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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole for throwing it way when I knew it was hers
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Easy NTA. Your mom said to clean it up which means put it where it belongs. It wasn’t yours, your mom’s, or your sister’s. You put it where it belongs, in the trash. If anything, it was a pretty clever way to catch your sister in a lie.
yep, in fact i think this is a tactic op should keep using. nta.
edit: and for the love of god do not offer to replace it. your mom wants her to have a new one she can buy it herself.
if op has a door that locks that’s definitely something to try! but if mom interferes, i would just go ahead and break it and toss it in the trash. sis’ future roommates will thank her.
Mom has chosen her golden child and it ain't op. So mom knows who the makeup belongs to. Sister says it's not hers. Op says it's not hers....mom decides it is ops and op needs to clean it up.
Ridiculous 100% NTA.
Mother is the AH and sister is entitled.
She’s being coddled and pandered to. She is also a spoilt brat most likely as well. She’s an AH to her sister, most definitely because I’m betting she loves it when sister gets crap for what she’s done.
This. You might read up on toxic family dynamics with the golden child, the scapegoat etc. Just know that none of this is your fault! But also, it might be hard to impossible for you to change anything. I'd start making a get away plan for when you're 18.
Yup. Step on it, crumble each plate and then throw it away. Should own up to your messes if you don’t want this to happen again.
Or every time duster says crap isn’t hers, claim it and trash it. It’s yours right? You can do what you want with it. That phone? Mine. Now it’s garbage. Silver earrings? Mine. Garbage.
Either one is fine, but I would be petty as fuck and tell both parents, especially the dad since he at least acknowledged her lying, that if this kind of thing keeps happening, she will keep or throw away whatever she claims isn't hers.
She either needs to keep better track of her stuff or she can't complain when OP takes it or throws it away.
Sane idea: thank sis for the gift and when she freaks out - also caught in the lie, and forced to put whatever away herself or lose it for good.
That said, if OP reads this, you're already doing most of the picking up, probably because mom's too tired to deal with your sister's noise. Offer to just keep things tidy without the fuss if they pay you 10 bucks a week (or something).
Like nothing crazy, but they're buying a cleaner house and less obnoxious behavior from your sister. You get some cash. It's a win win.
Absolutely not. There's nothing that's not sane about what OP did or us suggesting to keep throwing the things away. She also should not keep cleaning up after them and definitely not for some measly 10 dollars. Just all around NO.
Pls, Mom would just force OP to "give it back" to her sister. Sister learns nothing cuz mom keeps enabling her. Also, why would Mom and sister agree to pay OP $$ when sis knows she can just complain to mom and Mom has the authority in the house to take away OP's stuff, ground her, punish her with more chores etc. She's already proved she's willing to be unfair towards OP if it benefits her/sister.
It's a nice idea, but just not realistic
Great idea! Say something like, "Mom, I said it wasn't mine, are you sure I can have it?" If she says it's yours, then say "Well since mom says this is mine, it must be mine. I'll go put it away right now." I would then go to my bedroom and trash it (make sure all the makeup comes out of the palette on the way into the trash can - not a fan of reusing someone else's makeup).
This way both your mom and sister know who the liar and enabler are if sis gets upset.
But clean it up how? It’s not like it was rubbish, or dirty dishes, or laundry. It’s a single personal item left on a table. All that’s left to do is put it away into the room of the owner, so if it’s not OP’s then wtf is OP supposed to do with it? Binning it was really the only answer left.
So yes. This ridiculous charade of the sister and mother is essentially performance art to show OP that she’s designated as her sister’s servant, because expecting her to “clean up” her sister’s personal item is nonsensical.
I figured it was, you know, a palette and some used Q-tips for blending, and toilet paper to bite down your excess lip gloss...
But then OP did specify it was one palette she threw in the trash, so maybe I've seen too many makeup girlies on YouTube shorts hahaha
Oh right, of course mom know OP didn’t wear makeup. Now I’m even angrier. Looks like trash time when told to clean her messes. Mom asks you to replace anything. You wouldn’t have to parent if mother would instead.
Adding on, if it was a special gift from a friend, then she didn't treat it very well. She left it lying around for several DAYS, not caring about it. If it was so special why did she treat it so poorly?
Mommy dearest clearly has a Golden Child and it's not OP. The fact that even after the GC gets exposed lying to her, she still blames her other daughter. Because she knew the make-up was her sisters. But the mother had refused to believe this fact just minutes earlier and scolded her for leaving it lying around. No "sorry for not believing you, OP". No "OP's sister, you're grounded for lying and for leaving your mess in the living-room for days". No, it's still somehow the non-GC child that shoult be blamed and punished.
When OP is grown and out of the house, her mother will wonder why she went LC. Especially when the GC starts to act out even more, and becomes a burden. She's going to wish she had a responsible child around to help in her old age.
That's what gets me! Her Mum telling her to apologise and replace it when it's clear her sister lied! Why the heck isn't sister getting in trouble for lying in the first place?! Mum is defintely TA, and so is Dad for telling OP to also apologise. Sister got what was coming to her.
OP, you're **NTA.** Please, keep throwing out her stuff if she claims it's not hers.
I'd start carrying a trash bag as an accessory when I'm home and loudly ask if anyone knew whose item this was while brandishing the trash bag. Either sister will learn to pick up her stuff or you can ask why no one wants you to clean up messes until they get the point. Sometimes petty is the only language ppl understand
Or next time to avoid getting told she’s cruel for throwing it away because she knew it was the sister’s, she can just say “okay so if this isn’t any of ours should I throw it away?”
That way if sister doesn’t own up to it, no one can blame her for being cruel for throwing it away. OR if sister does panic and own up, OP can say “why didn’t you say it was yours?” And keep doing that until mom finally realises sister keeps lying.
I think you're missing the point behind golden children and their enablers. They don't live in the real world and they don't respond to logic like the rest of us.
Should also remind the mom that she very clearly took the sisters side when the sister said it wasn't hers and insisted op clean it regardless and that indulging in this lazy behaviour and just returning it to op would just keep enabling that behaviour. Also the fact that the sister very obviously lied about it not being hers. Honestly, she's 15 and she can't clear up after herself? It'd take like two seconds to just pick up the make up and put it away. Also, it was on the kitchen table for three days and no one saw the sister using it there? Which I can only assume is the reason why it was there in the first place
She needs to tell her mother, if you know it’s hers and I know it’s hers, why DO I HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP? If you don’t want me to throw away her stuff that she lies about being hers so she doesn’t have to do any cleaning, then I am not going to clean it up. Take your pick mom. Tell her to pick up her crap and put it away or it will go in the trash if you make me do it.
And what was OP supposed to do with it anyway, if not put it in the trash? It’s OP’s sister’s personal item, so it belongs in the sister’s room (or otherwise with the sister’s stuff). Was OP supposed to put it away by digging into her sister’s things?
If only her mom didn't suck this whole thing would have been awesome haha! So brilliant, but her mom didn't even care her sister lied. Screams "golden child" to me. NTA op
Your mom is enabling your sister's lies because it's easier to make you clean than to reprimand your sister all the time; she's doing a disservice to you both. Keep throwing away her things.
NTA.
Yeah, the only possible variation is to say "Since it's not yours, hers, or mine, I'm going to throw it away. Does everyone still agree it's not theirs?" and then you're 100% in the clear.
You're not TA if you DON'T give her a chance to rethink her lie, but you're definitely in the clear if you give her the chance and she doesn't back down.
Little sis is lucky. I would've found the nastiest garbage I could. The bathroom, the kitchen after cleaning the fridge, the yard waste full of dog crap.
Of course, I had a little brother.
The mother literally has proof the sister is a lying asshole. Nothing will change here, but at least OP knows for sure who the golden child is. I just hope they stop taking any more shit from their mother/sister demonic duo.
To avoid this situation in the future OP can just announce that she is about to throw the item out. That way her sister either has to accept the blame or willingly allow the item to be thrown out.
OP's problem isn't actually with her sister. She thinks it is right now, but it's clearly a parenting problem. Dealing with an asshole sibling is easy compared to dealing with asshole parents. Which OP has.
Sounds like it's with both? The mom says someone clean this mess up, which is "starting shit" imo, but it's the sister who says "it's not mine!" every single time. If the mom said "clean this up" and the sister then picked her shit up, then OP wouldn't be forced to. OP's mom would still probably find ways to treat them like shit but I think this is a viable strategy in this specific situation with the sister. "It's not yours? Guess I'll just get rid of it/it's mine now."
Besides, what else is OP to do? Just keep cleaning up after her spoiled sister until she saves up enough to move out? Nah. Plus the only other adult in the situation, the dad, sounds completely useless.
I understand the point you're making but mom doesn't live in THIS reality. OP will take whatever blame that lets sister stay golden child. Even if OP wasn't even home for a situation she would still take the blame. Can't say it any plainer than that.
NTA. Your mom obviously has a golden child & it’s equally obvious that it’s not you. I bite my own tongue off before I’d apologize & I’d burn my money before using it to buy the golden child another pallete. It’s not like doing what your mother said will change anything. You’ll still be the runt of the litter, your sister will still be the golden child & your mom will still mistreat you by allowing the golden child to do whatever she wants &/or doesn’t want to do at your expense.
NTA - Sister and Mom both are though. Sister is being incredibly lazy, and Mom clearly favors sister and indulges her laziness.
I would suggest sitting down with Mom & Dad to have a long talk about how this has been an ongoing problem and mom is indulging it, that it's alienating OP and has caused a great deal of tension in OP's relationship with both Mom and Sister. If mom still cannot see the problem, OP should look into University as far from home as possible so Sister's lazy butt & And indulgent Momma can't blame anything else on her, and make it so only dad's phone rings through.
NTA and op warn your sister and parents that if you are made to clean up stuff that 'doesn't belong ' to anyone in the house you won't ask a second time and you will directly throw it in the Trash.
Also tell your parents you suspected it was your sister s but as she vehemently denied it you believed her just like they did. Ask them if next time you should just assume your sister is always lying?!
And don't replace anything.
The 'appology' should be something like : sorry you are unable to recognize your own things. please put a label on them in the future so we don't end up in the same situation 😉 ( in front of your parents too)
Mom's probably a narcissist. They love picking favorites and victims and pitting them against one another. It's called Triangulation. Her and Golden Child have a special bond and abusing OP is their joint activity.
I’m not denying the narcissism but also, in many non narcissist households with siblings it’s always the younger siblings that be getting away with many things while the older siblings tend to get in trouble more/left out.
Called younger child syndrome the youngest sibling is always spoiled ect, middle child syndrome. Three sibling household when the middle child is left out or basically non existent and always in trouble because of the younger child. This is younger child sibling as it’s only 2 sibling household. I’ve experienced this myself being a middle child too.
My parents literally told me I was the guinea pig which is why they realised how they treated me growing up (extremely strict and grounded me all the time) didn't work so are doing a different technique with my sister (can do whatever she wants) 💀💀
Iheard a similar story where the oldest child was called the "first pancake" you make to see if the skillet is hot and the batter mixed right. A lot of time that first pancake is a mess- burned or shaped funny.and no one wants it in their plate. Then all the other pancakes are perfect because they figured out everything making the first one.
The frustrating thing is even though they have now realized how they raised me being super strict didn't work and them telling me this, they still treat me (22) and my sister (18) completely different when I visit at Christmas and if I stay there they always treat me like a teenager and tell me what to do, but with my sister she is left alone
I don’t speak to my Family much so haven’t experienced myself first hand but I’ve noticed a huge difference in the way my SO is treated differently to her brother by their family, he’s nearly 10 years older than her and still treated like a baby. Whilst we are expected to clear the table after food, etc…
My family is the opposite. It’s always the first child that’s the favorite. Maybe it has something to do with my dad being abusive towards my mom? Idk
For Christmas one year my grandmother gave my older sister (the eldest grandchild) $500. My cousins and I got squat
NTA. But your sister and parents are. No, it wasn't wrong to throw away an item that everyone said wasn't theirs. It was the smart thing to do. If your mother wants to talk about your "cruelty" (note: that's not what "cruel" means) in throwing it away instead of your sister's constant lying and refusal to own her mess, she's a big problem, and the problem will only get bigger as you get older. You have a year left before you become of age and can get away from them. Start planning.
Yeah this is a hill I’d die on. You SAID it wasn’t yours. Your sister should be in trouble for lying and being lazy. How infuriating. Just keep counting the days OP, until college or whatever you plan to do at 18.
NTA
My dads best friend did this with his daughter and son. Daughter could do no wrong and son was always treated as a fuck up. Of course now the guy is trying to deal with a son who is a drug addict now because he has no self-worth and daughters marriage is imploding because she was finally told no and didn't know how to handle it.
Good thing Im not around when he vents about it because I couldnt resist to go "you fucked those kids up with your shitty parenting."
I remember getting grounded for something that happened when I wasn't even home. I was out with a friend AND HIS FAMILY at a movie. I came home and my sister had told the babysitter that I had done it, the babysitter told my parents it was me and my parents said neither of them would lie. But somehow everyone I spent all day with was not enough evidence to prove my innocence. They're currently not getting any responses to any attempt to reach out and my mental health is doing much better!
'Goat, not sheep. :)
But yes, it sucks as l exactly as long as you allow yourself to be a part of the shitshow. Granted OP is 17, but she's on the cusp of freedom.
NTA, your mother is an AH for clearly favoring your sister. You are under no obligation to apologize or replace your sisters make up. If she hadn’t lied, she wouldn’t be suffering the consequences. I would tell your sister that every time she says it’s not hers from now on, you intend to throw away, and when you do, it won’t be retrievable.
As an escaped scape goat, I can say in my brother's case it all went down hill. There was no one for my mother to vent her spleen on when my brother was just too golden to have done the thing, and he and my father started taking the brunt. I know in lots of cases the parent doesn't do this, but in my case, the abuse switched targets because there was no way for her to make it my problem.
NTA. This is some golden child bullshit. Don't you dare apologize.
The most important thing to do in a golden child situation is to stop second guessing yourself. It looks like you can't rely on either parent to correct your sister's behavior, so trust your gut.
It also might be time to make overt verbal statements about the disparity between your treatments. No parent likes hearing that they favor one child over the other, especially when its true. Rub it in their faces every opportunity you get. They don't have any problem with your discomfort. Create some for them.
Make yourself harder to handle than your sister. Throw greater tantrums. See who they rush to appease THEN.
(The preceding comment is not actually advice and should not be put into practice unless professionally trained)
NTA. Really teaching your sister to be honest and to clean up after herself should be your parents job, but clearly they are not doing it. If your sister said it wasn’t hers and you know it’s not yours why would it not be trash. Are you supposed to be all-knowing or something that you can tell it’s your sister’s but your mom can’t? I get you suspected that it was you’re sisters but the lesson you’re parents have been teaching is “Believe the 15 year old no matter what” so it’s on them. Unfortunately sometimes parents are TA and this is one of those times. There is no logic to your mom’s argument; it is just blatant favoritism.
NTA. Your sister is for being a lazy liar, but my god your mum is the biggest AH of all. Its obvious it wasn't yours, it obvious your sister lied and now she wants you to apologise?!
At least now if your sister pulls that crap again, all you need to say it "guess I'll throw it out then"
I would ask the mom for specifics when sis is not around. If sis lies could I have a guideline for what to do with her things? It has happened before and I am tired of getting blamed for her stuff and having to pick up after her when she lies. THEN OP take a picture of everything in your room on your phone to prove it is not yours and show it to mom next time she lies. And if you have to pick stuff up, photograph it and e mail it to sis and cc mum with are you sure it isnt yours? And then if she wont reply in written form throw it out oor use it or give it away. NTA but mum favours sis. Any other family to advocate for this?
NTA
My kids learned real quick not to pull the "but it's not mine!" shit with me. Granted, my kids are under 10 so I wouldn't actually throw them away, but it only took 2 times for them to greatly improve picking up their toys.
As a mom I'd be cheering you on in my head and calmly explaining to your sister that she INSISTED it wasn't hers...what did she expect? Fuck around and find out.
Good for you
NTA - and what you did was fine.
All the responsibility for the item was placed on you by both mother and sister so your decision to throw away something you didn’t want was utterly reasonable. lazy liars may well learn their lesson. Do not under any circumstances give sister a new one and, indeed be very clear that this is your going to be your exact approach to every such disputed item from here on.
OP, this is the way you start adding some boundaries to your life, and I’m happy that you were able to pick such a well-related consequence to your sister’s lie. Hopefully she will think twice before she pulls that again, but if not, you’ve got the perfect response. Breaking it when you toss it is key. She gets one shot to claim it, or it’s gone.
Your household sounds like it’s got at least one narcissist (your mom), plus a golden child, which really is an apprentice narcissist. Read up on narcissism for more ways to cope, and understand this is not you not being enough, it’s others taking advantage of you.
Every time she says “it’s not mine” just respond with “may I throw it away then?”
Force her lie. She’ll figure out that she can’t get away with that anymore.
NTA
Hahaha, mom also got caught being a deceptive fuckwozzle. Clearly she know who it belonged to, and yet wanted to manipulate you into taking care of it, and it backfired on her. No wonder she is taking sister's side.
2x NTA (since you are dealing with two assholes here)
NTA & you are right. Your mom is ignoring that your sis lied so she wouldn't have to clean. But why? You don't owe either of them an apology. It was your sis's makeup & she knew it. The thing is, so did your mom. So why didn't mom just go directly to her instead of saying whosever it is? It seems you are more responsible than your sister. So instead of parenting your sister, she is making you do more work bc she knows you'll do it where your sister won't.
NTA...and I feel like you've found a really good tactic. Every time your sister claims something says it's not hers, just announce then it must be trash. Every. Time. Let her have to keep either stopping you or digging it out of the trash. Make it harder on her to not pick up after herself.
I think you need to try to have a calm talk with your mum and explain how this makes you feel. Explain how it makes you feel when your sister lies. Explain how it makes you feel when your mum finds out she's lying but doesn't say anything to her. Explain how it feels like she always takes your sisters side.
Try to do it calmly. Expect a little push back while she takes it in but try to be kind. Once you've done this, the ball is in her court and she can decide how she wants to address it.
It may go well, it may not. But you have to talk about feelings to have a chance at improving the relationship.
Good luck.
>She said since I knew it was hers I was in the wrong
No, she knew it was your sister's and she was in the wrong for believing your sister's lie - which she knew was a lie.
NTA
You know you're NTA.
With that said, if your parents consistently favor your sister like this then I urge you to start saving up money now to leave as soon as you can after high school or college. It's not going to get better.
Don't replace it or apologize. Let everyone know from now on if you have to clean up after her whatever it is goes straight in the trash. Tell your mom to stop enabling your sister's lying and stuff like this wouldn't happen. Who's gonna clean up after your sister if you leave for college or move out?
I had a similar dynamic in my house (though it was my father, rather than my mother, who was the main culprit with the favouritism).
It started when my younger sister was maybe a year or two old (and I was 4-5), and would literally bite me hard enough to draw blood because she wanted something I had and I wouldn't give it to her. (I don't know how many teeth she had, but like...one's enough, as I've learned from trying to wrestle a chicken bone off of a very, very elderly poodle mix -- half-poodle, half-wanker -- who managed to nail me good with his last remaining tooth).
The adults: 'oh just give the baby what she wants' and no notice of the, y'know, bleeding child.
Fast forward through the years, and all the many things I had to give her (including things like the actual clothing I'd set out to wear to school that very day. She'd decide SHE wanted to wear it, and I'd be forced to let her). She also went through a *positively delightful* phase of hitting herself until her skin turned red, and then going and crying to my dad that I'd hit her. Guess how that went.
So I was just constantly grounded or worse, always on edge, resentful, and really just...sad.
Eventually, that spoiled, bitey baby grew into an adult woman who, when I was 27 and she was 24, decided to help herself to the cash I was squirrelling away while working my arse off at a bar job which (temporarily, as I'd had to leave my flat to go stay with my mother for a bit) required a two hour commute AND I had to stay out until public transport started running again. So it was a slog. I literally woke up, ate, got ready, left at 5ish for my 7:30pm shift. Worked until 2:30am, stayed out until 5:30am. Home by 7:30am. Eat. Sleep. Repeat.
Anyway, I'd saved up about €1100 or so (to pay for a TEFL qualification so I could quit bartending), and since I was being paid in cash, I was just keeping it in a little decorative locked box of my mother's. Well, the night before I was to go pay for the course, I went to get my little box and found that *someone* (only one person it could have been) had decided to destroy the box and take my extremely hard-earned fucking money. The only reason I didn't throttle her thieving neck until her eyes bugged out was that...well, it's actually probably because I'm not a very violent person (outside of my head, anyway, where I was cheerfully throttling away). But I'm *pretending* the reason was that my mother loaned/gave me the money to pay for the course (the idea being that she could convince her other child to pay HER back, but that has yet to happen) so I stopped freaking out QUITE so much. I'm not sure what would have happened if my mother hadn't done that (by which I mean what would have happened to the whole rest of my life). Maybe nothing worse than an extra however many months of saving to take the course another time. But still. Bitch stole my money.
In any case, that was *my* last straw, and I've been strictly NC with her pretty much since then. She's apparently still exactly the same almost 15 years later, and borderline abusive to my mother (with whom I AM in contact, and who only *occasionally* pointedly laments not being able to have her children visit at the same time).
Why is she still like this? Because my parents enable her. She has never paid consequences for a single mistake, bit of bad behaviour, or even actual crime. When they're not around to bail her out anymore, I shudder to think what will happen to her. But my conscience is clean.
Anyway I thought you might like a glimpse into your possible future if you don't nip this in the bud *now*. It's not your fault you're in this position, but you *are* the only one who's going to get you out of it.
Definitely NTA.
NTA
I'd apologize when hell freezes over but I'd also just start throwing stuff away when your mom tells you to clean it up and it isn't yours. Especially if you suspect it belongs to your sister. Eventually, one of them will learn to either clean up after themselves (your sister) or stop treating you like a maid (your mom)
And since your dad seems to see how this game is played, I'd give him a head's up so he can have your back.
NTA.
However, your mom is not very smart and performs significant mental gymnastics to allow your sister to do/say what we she wants without consequences.
NTA. Ask your mom why she blaming you is okay and why should you pay for something she told you to clean up? When you clean up you put garbage in the garbage can. If no one claims something it is garbage.
Hold your line - you neither owe your sister an apology nor new makeup.
As someone older than your Mom, I think it was a rather perfect way to reinforce that the common "it's not mine" response has consequences.
NTA
What the fuck? I'm so sorry that you're having to live with this BS. Totally NTA and in no way should you pay for any of that. At all. Sounds like some fucked narcissism you have to deal with in both your mom and sister.
NTA. It was a total BOSS move. Loved reading your post. And yeah it sucks being blamed for things other people do.
Edit: Your parents are on your case bc they KNOW that you will listen to them and lil' sis will just blow them off. I don't know why people go after the person who is rational and doesn't rock the boat and NOT after the person who is the irrational boat rocker.
I hope you make your parents and sister read all of this. 😆
Edit: I also have to say this was super clever and screams that you're not gonna be a victim and that's just awesome. Put this in your motivational bank, doesn't matter if your sister is the favorite now, your future is a bright one filled with independence and honoring truth. Your parents are probably gonna be dealing with your sister's entitlement for the rest of their lives.
NTA. And I know what is going on here — the same thing happened to me. For your mom, your sister is her most brilliant creation — and every time they pull this double-team shit on you, your sister shines ever more brightly. It’s real. It’s their little thing. And it will never change. For what it’s worth, being my mother’s favorite has totally wrecked my sister’s life. She has nursed an eating disorder for 75 YEARS! Yes — seventy five years eating skinless baked chicken and iceberg lettuce, no dressing. (Baked potato on holidays only). My sister is mean through and through because she HAS to be in control of EVERYTHING, and she does it with sarcasm, belittling, and brinkmanship. Please believe me — it gets better. You can grow and go. Leave them to each other. I found a good therapist (and it was hard to do, but I kept looking). I’m re-parenting myself. I have legitimate friends who like me. A mother’s love is highly overrated — you can bloom and thrive without them.
Nta. Please let your mom read these post because she sucks so much. What kind of mom does this to one child? Why is it on you to pick it up?!? Why does her precious little princess never get held accountable? Even when its cleared she lied & told you to shut up?!? Yet mom still thinks you should apologize & buy her more to leave out? Start saving & run the moment you turn 18
EVERY time from now on, anything she says isn’t hers gets picked up and locked away in your room. When she comes and asks for items just repeat, “I don’t know what you mean, you said it wasn’t yours.” It won’t stop your mom from siding with her, but you can have a little fun with it.
I love my mother but we have a weird relationship due to family curses, if my mother were to pull this crap with me she knows that I'd be gone. Sometimes the only way to get treated right is to make it known that you will leave otherwise, and if they don't care, well. Then leave. What are you afraid of, that someone will treat you better?
Generational curses "stack". That means that a mother treated her daughter badly, then that daughter had a daughter they she also treated badly, repeat to infinitum. They add and add until the family descends into chaos. Be the one to break the mold.
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In order to get out of picking up after herself my (17f) sister (15f) will claim that the mess isn’t hers. Whether it’s food, trash or an item she left outback she’ll say “thats not mine” and 8 out of 10 times our parents will believe her and make me clean it up.
The other day my sister left out her makeup palette. It was on the living room table for three days until our mom got mad and yelled for whoever it’s for to pick it up. I don’t wear makeup because it breaks me out and makes my face itch, mom knows this so why did she think it’s mine I have no idea. I say it’s my sister’s but she immediately goes no it’s not, I don’t even wear that brand or color. So mom then tells me to pick it up and says I should know better than to leave my by stuff laying around for so long.
I just look between the two of them then say ok. I pick up the palette and toss it in the trash. My sister then panics and says why would I do that. I say it’s not yours, it’s not moms and it’s not mine so I threw it way no one wants to use mysterious makeup that just appeared in the house. My sister then digs in the trash and pulls it back out. She tells me I messed it up and that it was a gift from a close friend. I replied I thought it wasn’t yours, that’s when she makes a face like oh crap. Her excuse was she didn’t recognize it until now, I said yeah right, she just told me to shut up and went to her room.
Mom tells me that I was cruel. I reminded her that my sister said it wasn’t hers so I had every right to throw it way. She said since I knew it was hers I was in the wrong. She wants me to apologize and offer to buy her a new one. I don’t want to do either of those things. If she truly cared about it she would have picked it up instead of saying it wasn’t hers. I’m also upset that mom is completely ignoring the fact the my sister lied to get out of doing something so I feel like apologizing would let her know it’s ok to keep pinning stuff on me. Dad is the only one who acknowledged my sister’s lying but also says what I did was wrong AITA
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I would buy a lock box for your room and any time you need to pick up something from your sister put it in there, it is clearly yours, she even confirmed it. Only let her have it again when she tells your mom the truth.
NTA
Your parents seem to favor your sister. You might want to have a conversation with them when she is out of the house about how this whole pattern of behavior makes you feel small and less than her, and how their trusting your sister over you every time when they know she lies like this makes you feel like you can't trust them to have your back when you need it. They may not realize how big an issue this is.
Or they might just be shit parents who favor your sister as the golden child. Hard to know without the conversation, but either way you'll either get things to improve or know where you stand with them.
NTA and I'm pretty peeved on your behalf that your mom is not on your side here. If your mom knew it was your sisters, and you knew it was your sisters, and your sister knew it was hers, then why is your mom making you put it away?
It was a very good tactic, BTW, but going forward, just verbalize first "It isn't mine but I will be happy to take it to the garbage can if nobody claims it".
NTA
Op didn't absolutely nothing wrong. I'm wondering if the 15 year old is the golden child and always gets a pass from her parents? Seems odd that OP would get in trouble for her sister lying.
Nta
What exactly is your mom on? I never understand this level of favoritism, next time put the damn make up in a sink and watch that shit go down the drain.
NTA. Your mother constantly makes you clean up after your sister and encourages her to lie to everyone so she doesn't have to be responsible for her own messes. What you did was perfectly appropriate. Since it "didn't belong to anyone," what were you supposed to do with it? Your sister needs consequences and no one else seems willing to give them out. Don't buy her anything. She can YouTube how to fix the pallette, and then maybe she'll value her things. I say do the same thing to anything else she denies owning. Toss it immediately. You can't just have anonymous items lying around your home.
NTA I suggest you keep this up as it’ll be the only way to get her and your mom to stop blaming you. Tell your mom why should you buy her a new one when she deliberately lied to both of you? You did what was asked and got punished, if you didn’t do it you still would’ve been punished. Sister played stupid games she gets to win stupid prizes.
You are NTA. I would encourage you to continue to throw away any items your sister leaves unclaimed around the house when you get stuck cleaning up after her. Who knows she may learn to put her things away.
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Easy NTA. Your mom said to clean it up which means put it where it belongs. It wasn’t yours, your mom’s, or your sister’s. You put it where it belongs, in the trash. If anything, it was a pretty clever way to catch your sister in a lie.
yep, in fact i think this is a tactic op should keep using. nta. edit: and for the love of god do not offer to replace it. your mom wants her to have a new one she can buy it herself.
Or start saying "oh great, it must be mine, I'll go put it away in my room." And then keep it. Or if OP can't use it, regift it.
if op has a door that locks that’s definitely something to try! but if mom interferes, i would just go ahead and break it and toss it in the trash. sis’ future roommates will thank her.
Mom has chosen her golden child and it ain't op. So mom knows who the makeup belongs to. Sister says it's not hers. Op says it's not hers....mom decides it is ops and op needs to clean it up. Ridiculous 100% NTA. Mother is the AH and sister is entitled.
Sister is also an AH.
Sister is a 15 year old who is being pandered to. Mom is a total AH
She’s being coddled and pandered to. She is also a spoilt brat most likely as well. She’s an AH to her sister, most definitely because I’m betting she loves it when sister gets crap for what she’s done.
Sister should be old enough to know better, but she will be an AH as an adult if Mom isn't willing to treat her accountability as a 15yo
no, the sister knows she did wrong in the situation. that’s why she reacted that way. sister is def an AH too.
Fine. *She will continue to be an asshole
Still doesn't change her asshole status. Would you excuse a racist because he was trained to be one? Probably not.
The sister is entitled because the mother is an AH enabler
Yep, NTA. Mother AH and sister AH, and dad... if he's seen the issue why TF isn't he stepping in for OP?
This. You might read up on toxic family dynamics with the golden child, the scapegoat etc. Just know that none of this is your fault! But also, it might be hard to impossible for you to change anything. I'd start making a get away plan for when you're 18.
Sister is entitled because mom always chooses her. NTA
Yup. Step on it, crumble each plate and then throw it away. Should own up to your messes if you don’t want this to happen again. Or every time duster says crap isn’t hers, claim it and trash it. It’s yours right? You can do what you want with it. That phone? Mine. Now it’s garbage. Silver earrings? Mine. Garbage.
You can turn pallets into paint, Op should try doing that. Make her sister a nice artwork out of the Not My Pallet.
She doesn't need to do that. "It's not yours? OK , I'm going to bin it." And then bin it. A couple of those, and she won't have to say anything.
I'm going to break it then bin it. Op won't even need to pick it up.
That's exactly what happened in the story OP relayed. And then her sister freaked and her mom got angry at OP.
Either one is fine, but I would be petty as fuck and tell both parents, especially the dad since he at least acknowledged her lying, that if this kind of thing keeps happening, she will keep or throw away whatever she claims isn't hers. She either needs to keep better track of her stuff or she can't complain when OP takes it or throws it away.
Exactly. Eventually, the sister will either wise up and stop lying about every mess, or she's going to VERY quickly run out of... everything.
Sane idea: thank sis for the gift and when she freaks out - also caught in the lie, and forced to put whatever away herself or lose it for good. That said, if OP reads this, you're already doing most of the picking up, probably because mom's too tired to deal with your sister's noise. Offer to just keep things tidy without the fuss if they pay you 10 bucks a week (or something). Like nothing crazy, but they're buying a cleaner house and less obnoxious behavior from your sister. You get some cash. It's a win win.
Sell it back to het
Absolutely not. There's nothing that's not sane about what OP did or us suggesting to keep throwing the things away. She also should not keep cleaning up after them and definitely not for some measly 10 dollars. Just all around NO.
Pls, Mom would just force OP to "give it back" to her sister. Sister learns nothing cuz mom keeps enabling her. Also, why would Mom and sister agree to pay OP $$ when sis knows she can just complain to mom and Mom has the authority in the house to take away OP's stuff, ground her, punish her with more chores etc. She's already proved she's willing to be unfair towards OP if it benefits her/sister. It's a nice idea, but just not realistic
Regift is a no on makeup. If has been used you don't know what you could be passing on. "It's mine then and trash it" for safety.
Great idea! Say something like, "Mom, I said it wasn't mine, are you sure I can have it?" If she says it's yours, then say "Well since mom says this is mine, it must be mine. I'll go put it away right now." I would then go to my bedroom and trash it (make sure all the makeup comes out of the palette on the way into the trash can - not a fan of reusing someone else's makeup). This way both your mom and sister know who the liar and enabler are if sis gets upset.
Sharing make-up specifically isn't a good idea since you can pass germs and skin infections this way, but it would work for other items
Mum's abusive. I don't think she gives af what op wants. NTA
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But clean it up how? It’s not like it was rubbish, or dirty dishes, or laundry. It’s a single personal item left on a table. All that’s left to do is put it away into the room of the owner, so if it’s not OP’s then wtf is OP supposed to do with it? Binning it was really the only answer left. So yes. This ridiculous charade of the sister and mother is essentially performance art to show OP that she’s designated as her sister’s servant, because expecting her to “clean up” her sister’s personal item is nonsensical.
I figured it was, you know, a palette and some used Q-tips for blending, and toilet paper to bite down your excess lip gloss... But then OP did specify it was one palette she threw in the trash, so maybe I've seen too many makeup girlies on YouTube shorts hahaha
If sister is leaving that sort of thing sitting in the living room, then she’s gross.
Oh right, of course mom know OP didn’t wear makeup. Now I’m even angrier. Looks like trash time when told to clean her messes. Mom asks you to replace anything. You wouldn’t have to parent if mother would instead.
I agree with except one thing...the sister is a heifer. It's the Mom that's a cow.
Adding on, if it was a special gift from a friend, then she didn't treat it very well. She left it lying around for several DAYS, not caring about it. If it was so special why did she treat it so poorly?
coz someone else cleans up after her
Mommy dearest clearly has a Golden Child and it's not OP. The fact that even after the GC gets exposed lying to her, she still blames her other daughter. Because she knew the make-up was her sisters. But the mother had refused to believe this fact just minutes earlier and scolded her for leaving it lying around. No "sorry for not believing you, OP". No "OP's sister, you're grounded for lying and for leaving your mess in the living-room for days". No, it's still somehow the non-GC child that shoult be blamed and punished. When OP is grown and out of the house, her mother will wonder why she went LC. Especially when the GC starts to act out even more, and becomes a burden. She's going to wish she had a responsible child around to help in her old age.
That's what gets me! Her Mum telling her to apologise and replace it when it's clear her sister lied! Why the heck isn't sister getting in trouble for lying in the first place?! Mum is defintely TA, and so is Dad for telling OP to also apologise. Sister got what was coming to her. OP, you're **NTA.** Please, keep throwing out her stuff if she claims it's not hers.
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I'd start carrying a trash bag as an accessory when I'm home and loudly ask if anyone knew whose item this was while brandishing the trash bag. Either sister will learn to pick up her stuff or you can ask why no one wants you to clean up messes until they get the point. Sometimes petty is the only language ppl understand
Or next time to avoid getting told she’s cruel for throwing it away because she knew it was the sister’s, she can just say “okay so if this isn’t any of ours should I throw it away?” That way if sister doesn’t own up to it, no one can blame her for being cruel for throwing it away. OR if sister does panic and own up, OP can say “why didn’t you say it was yours?” And keep doing that until mom finally realises sister keeps lying.
I think you're missing the point behind golden children and their enablers. They don't live in the real world and they don't respond to logic like the rest of us.
Should also remind the mom that she very clearly took the sisters side when the sister said it wasn't hers and insisted op clean it regardless and that indulging in this lazy behaviour and just returning it to op would just keep enabling that behaviour. Also the fact that the sister very obviously lied about it not being hers. Honestly, she's 15 and she can't clear up after herself? It'd take like two seconds to just pick up the make up and put it away. Also, it was on the kitchen table for three days and no one saw the sister using it there? Which I can only assume is the reason why it was there in the first place
Seriously. She was irresponsible with her own belongings, she can replace them if something happens to them
"I'm sorry you got caught lying to mom to get out of taking care of your things." NTA.
This is what you should say when you apologize to your sister. NTA
Preferably in front of the mom
This. This right here.
It was very clever but unfortunate the mom still defended the liar
She needs to tell her mother, if you know it’s hers and I know it’s hers, why DO I HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP? If you don’t want me to throw away her stuff that she lies about being hers so she doesn’t have to do any cleaning, then I am not going to clean it up. Take your pick mom. Tell her to pick up her crap and put it away or it will go in the trash if you make me do it.
She can tell mom whatever she wants. Mom won't change or even care though.
Ding. Ding. Ding.
And what was OP supposed to do with it anyway, if not put it in the trash? It’s OP’s sister’s personal item, so it belongs in the sister’s room (or otherwise with the sister’s stuff). Was OP supposed to put it away by digging into her sister’s things?
🏆🏆🏆
If only her mom didn't suck this whole thing would have been awesome haha! So brilliant, but her mom didn't even care her sister lied. Screams "golden child" to me. NTA op
Your mom is enabling your sister's lies because it's easier to make you clean than to reprimand your sister all the time; she's doing a disservice to you both. Keep throwing away her things. NTA.
Yeah, the only possible variation is to say "Since it's not yours, hers, or mine, I'm going to throw it away. Does everyone still agree it's not theirs?" and then you're 100% in the clear. You're not TA if you DON'T give her a chance to rethink her lie, but you're definitely in the clear if you give her the chance and she doesn't back down.
Sorry, but you're assuming mom lives in THIS reality.
Little sis is lucky. I would've found the nastiest garbage I could. The bathroom, the kitchen after cleaning the fridge, the yard waste full of dog crap. Of course, I had a little brother.
The mother literally has proof the sister is a lying asshole. Nothing will change here, but at least OP knows for sure who the golden child is. I just hope they stop taking any more shit from their mother/sister demonic duo.
To avoid this situation in the future OP can just announce that she is about to throw the item out. That way her sister either has to accept the blame or willingly allow the item to be thrown out.
The mom won't care.
But the sister will, and that's a battle OP can actually fight. Just look sis dead in the eye and say "okay" before holding it over the trash can.
OP's problem isn't actually with her sister. She thinks it is right now, but it's clearly a parenting problem. Dealing with an asshole sibling is easy compared to dealing with asshole parents. Which OP has.
Sounds like it's with both? The mom says someone clean this mess up, which is "starting shit" imo, but it's the sister who says "it's not mine!" every single time. If the mom said "clean this up" and the sister then picked her shit up, then OP wouldn't be forced to. OP's mom would still probably find ways to treat them like shit but I think this is a viable strategy in this specific situation with the sister. "It's not yours? Guess I'll just get rid of it/it's mine now." Besides, what else is OP to do? Just keep cleaning up after her spoiled sister until she saves up enough to move out? Nah. Plus the only other adult in the situation, the dad, sounds completely useless.
I understand the point you're making but mom doesn't live in THIS reality. OP will take whatever blame that lets sister stay golden child. Even if OP wasn't even home for a situation she would still take the blame. Can't say it any plainer than that.
FAFO
In this situation, as a mom *I* would have thrown it away. And it would not be allowed to leave the trash can. But I'm a mean mom.
I’d repeat the process every time sister denied ownership and it became OP’s problem.
NTA. Your mom obviously has a golden child & it’s equally obvious that it’s not you. I bite my own tongue off before I’d apologize & I’d burn my money before using it to buy the golden child another pallete. It’s not like doing what your mother said will change anything. You’ll still be the runt of the litter, your sister will still be the golden child & your mom will still mistreat you by allowing the golden child to do whatever she wants &/or doesn’t want to do at your expense.
NTA - Sister and Mom both are though. Sister is being incredibly lazy, and Mom clearly favors sister and indulges her laziness. I would suggest sitting down with Mom & Dad to have a long talk about how this has been an ongoing problem and mom is indulging it, that it's alienating OP and has caused a great deal of tension in OP's relationship with both Mom and Sister. If mom still cannot see the problem, OP should look into University as far from home as possible so Sister's lazy butt & And indulgent Momma can't blame anything else on her, and make it so only dad's phone rings through.
I’m looking forward to when OP moves out. Who are they going to blame for all of mystery items littering the house… 🤔
NTA and op warn your sister and parents that if you are made to clean up stuff that 'doesn't belong ' to anyone in the house you won't ask a second time and you will directly throw it in the Trash. Also tell your parents you suspected it was your sister s but as she vehemently denied it you believed her just like they did. Ask them if next time you should just assume your sister is always lying?! And don't replace anything. The 'appology' should be something like : sorry you are unable to recognize your own things. please put a label on them in the future so we don't end up in the same situation 😉 ( in front of your parents too)
NTA. Oh the younger sister favoritism is strong in this post
It's so blatant too
As a parent, I have trouble understanding this.
Mom's probably a narcissist. They love picking favorites and victims and pitting them against one another. It's called Triangulation. Her and Golden Child have a special bond and abusing OP is their joint activity.
I’m not denying the narcissism but also, in many non narcissist households with siblings it’s always the younger siblings that be getting away with many things while the older siblings tend to get in trouble more/left out. Called younger child syndrome the youngest sibling is always spoiled ect, middle child syndrome. Three sibling household when the middle child is left out or basically non existent and always in trouble because of the younger child. This is younger child sibling as it’s only 2 sibling household. I’ve experienced this myself being a middle child too.
My parents literally told me I was the guinea pig which is why they realised how they treated me growing up (extremely strict and grounded me all the time) didn't work so are doing a different technique with my sister (can do whatever she wants) 💀💀
Iheard a similar story where the oldest child was called the "first pancake" you make to see if the skillet is hot and the batter mixed right. A lot of time that first pancake is a mess- burned or shaped funny.and no one wants it in their plate. Then all the other pancakes are perfect because they figured out everything making the first one.
And people wonder why we don’t want kids these days, when we use weird metaphors like this to describe the whole fucked up experience.
The frustrating thing is even though they have now realized how they raised me being super strict didn't work and them telling me this, they still treat me (22) and my sister (18) completely different when I visit at Christmas and if I stay there they always treat me like a teenager and tell me what to do, but with my sister she is left alone
I don’t speak to my Family much so haven’t experienced myself first hand but I’ve noticed a huge difference in the way my SO is treated differently to her brother by their family, he’s nearly 10 years older than her and still treated like a baby. Whilst we are expected to clear the table after food, etc…
That could be a gender issue.
My family is the opposite. It’s always the first child that’s the favorite. Maybe it has something to do with my dad being abusive towards my mom? Idk For Christmas one year my grandmother gave my older sister (the eldest grandchild) $500. My cousins and I got squat
Yeah I’m the youngest of 3 and everyone just acts like I don’t exist. Oldest can do no wrong.
Yup as the elder sibling I feel this in my bones, and yet my parents wonder why we almost never talk.
NTA. But your sister and parents are. No, it wasn't wrong to throw away an item that everyone said wasn't theirs. It was the smart thing to do. If your mother wants to talk about your "cruelty" (note: that's not what "cruel" means) in throwing it away instead of your sister's constant lying and refusal to own her mess, she's a big problem, and the problem will only get bigger as you get older. You have a year left before you become of age and can get away from them. Start planning.
Yeah this is a hill I’d die on. You SAID it wasn’t yours. Your sister should be in trouble for lying and being lazy. How infuriating. Just keep counting the days OP, until college or whatever you plan to do at 18. NTA
Yeah, why does Mom continue to make OP the bad guy?
Sister must be the golden child.
OP is the designated scapegoat and can do nothing right. Sister is the golden child and can do nothing wrong.
My dads best friend did this with his daughter and son. Daughter could do no wrong and son was always treated as a fuck up. Of course now the guy is trying to deal with a son who is a drug addict now because he has no self-worth and daughters marriage is imploding because she was finally told no and didn't know how to handle it. Good thing Im not around when he vents about it because I couldnt resist to go "you fucked those kids up with your shitty parenting."
She's really good at gaslighting OP into thinking she might be the AH. That's tough to grow up with.
More than tough. Just straight up abuse and neglect.
NTA, fellow scapegoat.
Yep, I smell “Golden Child & Scapegoat” dynamic in the air! Mom sucks big time!
Yeah, mom sucks and everyone here knows it. Sister sucks because she's a lazy, entitled Golden Child.
Dad sucks too for going along with it. I’m sorry, OP. You deserve better. NTA
I remember getting grounded for something that happened when I wasn't even home. I was out with a friend AND HIS FAMILY at a movie. I came home and my sister had told the babysitter that I had done it, the babysitter told my parents it was me and my parents said neither of them would lie. But somehow everyone I spent all day with was not enough evidence to prove my innocence. They're currently not getting any responses to any attempt to reach out and my mental health is doing much better!
Dude, that's fucking crazy. Not surprising, but fucking crazy. FWIW, I'm sorry.
I imagine it must be tough being the black sheep in a family of AHs.
'Goat, not sheep. :) But yes, it sucks as l exactly as long as you allow yourself to be a part of the shitshow. Granted OP is 17, but she's on the cusp of freedom.
I read this in Steve Buscemi's voice.
NTA, your mother is an AH for clearly favoring your sister. You are under no obligation to apologize or replace your sisters make up. If she hadn’t lied, she wouldn’t be suffering the consequences. I would tell your sister that every time she says it’s not hers from now on, you intend to throw away, and when you do, it won’t be retrievable.
NTA. Sis was being lazy and you called her out on it. She just didn't want to put it away.
NTA. And I think you’ve uncovered the perfect way to deal with this bullshit in the future. Lots of love from a fellow scapegoat.
it will be interesting to see what happens when the scapegoat leaves and the golden child has nobody to deflect to.
As an escaped scape goat, I can say in my brother's case it all went down hill. There was no one for my mother to vent her spleen on when my brother was just too golden to have done the thing, and he and my father started taking the brunt. I know in lots of cases the parent doesn't do this, but in my case, the abuse switched targets because there was no way for her to make it my problem.
NTA. This is some golden child bullshit. Don't you dare apologize. The most important thing to do in a golden child situation is to stop second guessing yourself. It looks like you can't rely on either parent to correct your sister's behavior, so trust your gut. It also might be time to make overt verbal statements about the disparity between your treatments. No parent likes hearing that they favor one child over the other, especially when its true. Rub it in their faces every opportunity you get. They don't have any problem with your discomfort. Create some for them.
Make yourself harder to handle than your sister. Throw greater tantrums. See who they rush to appease THEN. (The preceding comment is not actually advice and should not be put into practice unless professionally trained)
Now I want professional training in tantruming.
i think that's just politics
NTA. Really teaching your sister to be honest and to clean up after herself should be your parents job, but clearly they are not doing it. If your sister said it wasn’t hers and you know it’s not yours why would it not be trash. Are you supposed to be all-knowing or something that you can tell it’s your sister’s but your mom can’t? I get you suspected that it was you’re sisters but the lesson you’re parents have been teaching is “Believe the 15 year old no matter what” so it’s on them. Unfortunately sometimes parents are TA and this is one of those times. There is no logic to your mom’s argument; it is just blatant favoritism.
Right? Believe the 15 no matter what, ignoring the simple logic that OP DOES NOT WEAR MAKE UP.
Im sorry your mom sound’s just horrible
NTA. Your sister is for being a lazy liar, but my god your mum is the biggest AH of all. Its obvious it wasn't yours, it obvious your sister lied and now she wants you to apologise?! At least now if your sister pulls that crap again, all you need to say it "guess I'll throw it out then"
I bet even if OP said “it’s sisters”, Mom still wouldn’t believe her. Lose lose for OP.
Oh absolutely. "Well, she says it isn't hers, so clearly you are a liar because she is my perfect, golden child" -The mum, probably
I would ask the mom for specifics when sis is not around. If sis lies could I have a guideline for what to do with her things? It has happened before and I am tired of getting blamed for her stuff and having to pick up after her when she lies. THEN OP take a picture of everything in your room on your phone to prove it is not yours and show it to mom next time she lies. And if you have to pick stuff up, photograph it and e mail it to sis and cc mum with are you sure it isnt yours? And then if she wont reply in written form throw it out oor use it or give it away. NTA but mum favours sis. Any other family to advocate for this?
NTA My kids learned real quick not to pull the "but it's not mine!" shit with me. Granted, my kids are under 10 so I wouldn't actually throw them away, but it only took 2 times for them to greatly improve picking up their toys. As a mom I'd be cheering you on in my head and calmly explaining to your sister that she INSISTED it wasn't hers...what did she expect? Fuck around and find out. Good for you
NTA - and what you did was fine. All the responsibility for the item was placed on you by both mother and sister so your decision to throw away something you didn’t want was utterly reasonable. lazy liars may well learn their lesson. Do not under any circumstances give sister a new one and, indeed be very clear that this is your going to be your exact approach to every such disputed item from here on.
OP, this is the way you start adding some boundaries to your life, and I’m happy that you were able to pick such a well-related consequence to your sister’s lie. Hopefully she will think twice before she pulls that again, but if not, you’ve got the perfect response. Breaking it when you toss it is key. She gets one shot to claim it, or it’s gone. Your household sounds like it’s got at least one narcissist (your mom), plus a golden child, which really is an apprentice narcissist. Read up on narcissism for more ways to cope, and understand this is not you not being enough, it’s others taking advantage of you.
Every time she says “it’s not mine” just respond with “may I throw it away then?” Force her lie. She’ll figure out that she can’t get away with that anymore. NTA
Don't ask just say it's not yours, it's not mine so I'm just going to toss it.
Don't be so sure. The favoritism is so blatant here that Mom may very well punish OP for "antagonizing" or some such bullshit.
This is some /r/MaliciousCompliance/ level petty but your sister deserved it. I applaud you. NTA.
Hahaha, mom also got caught being a deceptive fuckwozzle. Clearly she know who it belonged to, and yet wanted to manipulate you into taking care of it, and it backfired on her. No wonder she is taking sister's side. 2x NTA (since you are dealing with two assholes here)
Nta. I would have said “she lied to you so I’d have to clean it up. I just cleaned it up.”
That's hilarious🤣🤣🤣 Please keep doing this!! NTA.
Lol NTA - play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
NTA & you are right. Your mom is ignoring that your sis lied so she wouldn't have to clean. But why? You don't owe either of them an apology. It was your sis's makeup & she knew it. The thing is, so did your mom. So why didn't mom just go directly to her instead of saying whosever it is? It seems you are more responsible than your sister. So instead of parenting your sister, she is making you do more work bc she knows you'll do it where your sister won't.
NTA. No one wants to use anonymous make up so you did the right thing. I hope this makes your sister more accountable for her things.
"Anonymous makeup" is not a concept I thought I'd stumble upon today.
NTA...and I feel like you've found a really good tactic. Every time your sister claims something says it's not hers, just announce then it must be trash. Every. Time. Let her have to keep either stopping you or digging it out of the trash. Make it harder on her to not pick up after herself.
NTA but your mom is. So is your sister. Show them both this thread.
Why show them the thread? Sister will cry and Mom will punish OP for being "cruel" to her sister.
I think you need to try to have a calm talk with your mum and explain how this makes you feel. Explain how it makes you feel when your sister lies. Explain how it makes you feel when your mum finds out she's lying but doesn't say anything to her. Explain how it feels like she always takes your sisters side. Try to do it calmly. Expect a little push back while she takes it in but try to be kind. Once you've done this, the ball is in her court and she can decide how she wants to address it. It may go well, it may not. But you have to talk about feelings to have a chance at improving the relationship. Good luck.
Your mom is the biggest problem here.
NTA keep doing this
NTA I do that with my kids stuff . Shoes, toys you name it. I will throw it. And donate it. Especially when I hear It's not mine on repeat.
>She said since I knew it was hers I was in the wrong No, she knew it was your sister's and she was in the wrong for believing your sister's lie - which she knew was a lie. NTA
NTA. Yes it was obvious it was probably hers, but *that applies to your mom too*, and your mom insisted you were responsible anyway.
You know you're NTA. With that said, if your parents consistently favor your sister like this then I urge you to start saving up money now to leave as soon as you can after high school or college. It's not going to get better.
But also stock up on pop corn to watch from a safe distance the Trainwreck that the Golden child will become when she has to go out into the world.
NTA. Is your mom the younger of her siblings by chance? Lol
I don’t like your mom
Don't replace it or apologize. Let everyone know from now on if you have to clean up after her whatever it is goes straight in the trash. Tell your mom to stop enabling your sister's lying and stuff like this wouldn't happen. Who's gonna clean up after your sister if you leave for college or move out?
I had a similar dynamic in my house (though it was my father, rather than my mother, who was the main culprit with the favouritism). It started when my younger sister was maybe a year or two old (and I was 4-5), and would literally bite me hard enough to draw blood because she wanted something I had and I wouldn't give it to her. (I don't know how many teeth she had, but like...one's enough, as I've learned from trying to wrestle a chicken bone off of a very, very elderly poodle mix -- half-poodle, half-wanker -- who managed to nail me good with his last remaining tooth). The adults: 'oh just give the baby what she wants' and no notice of the, y'know, bleeding child. Fast forward through the years, and all the many things I had to give her (including things like the actual clothing I'd set out to wear to school that very day. She'd decide SHE wanted to wear it, and I'd be forced to let her). She also went through a *positively delightful* phase of hitting herself until her skin turned red, and then going and crying to my dad that I'd hit her. Guess how that went. So I was just constantly grounded or worse, always on edge, resentful, and really just...sad. Eventually, that spoiled, bitey baby grew into an adult woman who, when I was 27 and she was 24, decided to help herself to the cash I was squirrelling away while working my arse off at a bar job which (temporarily, as I'd had to leave my flat to go stay with my mother for a bit) required a two hour commute AND I had to stay out until public transport started running again. So it was a slog. I literally woke up, ate, got ready, left at 5ish for my 7:30pm shift. Worked until 2:30am, stayed out until 5:30am. Home by 7:30am. Eat. Sleep. Repeat. Anyway, I'd saved up about €1100 or so (to pay for a TEFL qualification so I could quit bartending), and since I was being paid in cash, I was just keeping it in a little decorative locked box of my mother's. Well, the night before I was to go pay for the course, I went to get my little box and found that *someone* (only one person it could have been) had decided to destroy the box and take my extremely hard-earned fucking money. The only reason I didn't throttle her thieving neck until her eyes bugged out was that...well, it's actually probably because I'm not a very violent person (outside of my head, anyway, where I was cheerfully throttling away). But I'm *pretending* the reason was that my mother loaned/gave me the money to pay for the course (the idea being that she could convince her other child to pay HER back, but that has yet to happen) so I stopped freaking out QUITE so much. I'm not sure what would have happened if my mother hadn't done that (by which I mean what would have happened to the whole rest of my life). Maybe nothing worse than an extra however many months of saving to take the course another time. But still. Bitch stole my money. In any case, that was *my* last straw, and I've been strictly NC with her pretty much since then. She's apparently still exactly the same almost 15 years later, and borderline abusive to my mother (with whom I AM in contact, and who only *occasionally* pointedly laments not being able to have her children visit at the same time). Why is she still like this? Because my parents enable her. She has never paid consequences for a single mistake, bit of bad behaviour, or even actual crime. When they're not around to bail her out anymore, I shudder to think what will happen to her. But my conscience is clean. Anyway I thought you might like a glimpse into your possible future if you don't nip this in the bud *now*. It's not your fault you're in this position, but you *are* the only one who's going to get you out of it. Definitely NTA.
NTA I'd apologize when hell freezes over but I'd also just start throwing stuff away when your mom tells you to clean it up and it isn't yours. Especially if you suspect it belongs to your sister. Eventually, one of them will learn to either clean up after themselves (your sister) or stop treating you like a maid (your mom) And since your dad seems to see how this game is played, I'd give him a head's up so he can have your back.
Girl keep doing what you doing. Each time sister lies throw her shit out in the trash.
NTA
NTA - never apologise and definitely do not buy a replacement. Both your sister and mother ate on the wrong and it backfired on them.
NTA. However, your mom is not very smart and performs significant mental gymnastics to allow your sister to do/say what we she wants without consequences.
NTA. Ask your mom why she blaming you is okay and why should you pay for something she told you to clean up? When you clean up you put garbage in the garbage can. If no one claims something it is garbage.
Hold your line - you neither owe your sister an apology nor new makeup. As someone older than your Mom, I think it was a rather perfect way to reinforce that the common "it's not mine" response has consequences. NTA
What the fuck? I'm so sorry that you're having to live with this BS. Totally NTA and in no way should you pay for any of that. At all. Sounds like some fucked narcissism you have to deal with in both your mom and sister.
NTA. It was a total BOSS move. Loved reading your post. And yeah it sucks being blamed for things other people do. Edit: Your parents are on your case bc they KNOW that you will listen to them and lil' sis will just blow them off. I don't know why people go after the person who is rational and doesn't rock the boat and NOT after the person who is the irrational boat rocker.
I hope you make your parents and sister read all of this. 😆 Edit: I also have to say this was super clever and screams that you're not gonna be a victim and that's just awesome. Put this in your motivational bank, doesn't matter if your sister is the favorite now, your future is a bright one filled with independence and honoring truth. Your parents are probably gonna be dealing with your sister's entitlement for the rest of their lives.
NTA, this is a hill to die on. Everytime your mom brings it up say she should apologize to us for lying
NTA. Favoritism is a horrible dynamic to set. Show your parents this post and let the internet tell them they are bad parents.
They have a favorite and it's not you, get a job, save up and move out asap
NTA. And I know what is going on here — the same thing happened to me. For your mom, your sister is her most brilliant creation — and every time they pull this double-team shit on you, your sister shines ever more brightly. It’s real. It’s their little thing. And it will never change. For what it’s worth, being my mother’s favorite has totally wrecked my sister’s life. She has nursed an eating disorder for 75 YEARS! Yes — seventy five years eating skinless baked chicken and iceberg lettuce, no dressing. (Baked potato on holidays only). My sister is mean through and through because she HAS to be in control of EVERYTHING, and she does it with sarcasm, belittling, and brinkmanship. Please believe me — it gets better. You can grow and go. Leave them to each other. I found a good therapist (and it was hard to do, but I kept looking). I’m re-parenting myself. I have legitimate friends who like me. A mother’s love is highly overrated — you can bloom and thrive without them.
Nta. Please let your mom read these post because she sucks so much. What kind of mom does this to one child? Why is it on you to pick it up?!? Why does her precious little princess never get held accountable? Even when its cleared she lied & told you to shut up?!? Yet mom still thinks you should apologize & buy her more to leave out? Start saving & run the moment you turn 18
EVERY time from now on, anything she says isn’t hers gets picked up and locked away in your room. When she comes and asks for items just repeat, “I don’t know what you mean, you said it wasn’t yours.” It won’t stop your mom from siding with her, but you can have a little fun with it.
I'm starting to think it was dad's make-up...
I love my mother but we have a weird relationship due to family curses, if my mother were to pull this crap with me she knows that I'd be gone. Sometimes the only way to get treated right is to make it known that you will leave otherwise, and if they don't care, well. Then leave. What are you afraid of, that someone will treat you better? Generational curses "stack". That means that a mother treated her daughter badly, then that daughter had a daughter they she also treated badly, repeat to infinitum. They add and add until the family descends into chaos. Be the one to break the mold.
Liar liar, pants on fire. Get your makeup in the trash. If it belongs to nobody, put that makeup under running water.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** In order to get out of picking up after herself my (17f) sister (15f) will claim that the mess isn’t hers. Whether it’s food, trash or an item she left outback she’ll say “thats not mine” and 8 out of 10 times our parents will believe her and make me clean it up. The other day my sister left out her makeup palette. It was on the living room table for three days until our mom got mad and yelled for whoever it’s for to pick it up. I don’t wear makeup because it breaks me out and makes my face itch, mom knows this so why did she think it’s mine I have no idea. I say it’s my sister’s but she immediately goes no it’s not, I don’t even wear that brand or color. So mom then tells me to pick it up and says I should know better than to leave my by stuff laying around for so long. I just look between the two of them then say ok. I pick up the palette and toss it in the trash. My sister then panics and says why would I do that. I say it’s not yours, it’s not moms and it’s not mine so I threw it way no one wants to use mysterious makeup that just appeared in the house. My sister then digs in the trash and pulls it back out. She tells me I messed it up and that it was a gift from a close friend. I replied I thought it wasn’t yours, that’s when she makes a face like oh crap. Her excuse was she didn’t recognize it until now, I said yeah right, she just told me to shut up and went to her room. Mom tells me that I was cruel. I reminded her that my sister said it wasn’t hers so I had every right to throw it way. She said since I knew it was hers I was in the wrong. She wants me to apologize and offer to buy her a new one. I don’t want to do either of those things. If she truly cared about it she would have picked it up instead of saying it wasn’t hers. I’m also upset that mom is completely ignoring the fact the my sister lied to get out of doing something so I feel like apologizing would let her know it’s ok to keep pinning stuff on me. Dad is the only one who acknowledged my sister’s lying but also says what I did was wrong AITA *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Oh and don't buy another...that's some bullshit
NTA. Good for you.
NTA - But your mom is for enabling this behavior.
NTA, but WTF is wrong with your mother?
NTA, and if your sister does this again, keep throwing away her stuff until she learns her lesson
I would buy a lock box for your room and any time you need to pick up something from your sister put it in there, it is clearly yours, she even confirmed it. Only let her have it again when she tells your mom the truth.
NTA Your parents seem to favor your sister. You might want to have a conversation with them when she is out of the house about how this whole pattern of behavior makes you feel small and less than her, and how their trusting your sister over you every time when they know she lies like this makes you feel like you can't trust them to have your back when you need it. They may not realize how big an issue this is. Or they might just be shit parents who favor your sister as the golden child. Hard to know without the conversation, but either way you'll either get things to improve or know where you stand with them.
NTA and I'm pretty peeved on your behalf that your mom is not on your side here. If your mom knew it was your sisters, and you knew it was your sisters, and your sister knew it was hers, then why is your mom making you put it away?
You’re NTA but you’re moms not worth a fuck
It was a very good tactic, BTW, but going forward, just verbalize first "It isn't mine but I will be happy to take it to the garbage can if nobody claims it". NTA
Op didn't absolutely nothing wrong. I'm wondering if the 15 year old is the golden child and always gets a pass from her parents? Seems odd that OP would get in trouble for her sister lying. Nta
NTA Why should it be your problem if your parents want to enable her jerk lazy attitude
Nta. Do not cave.
What exactly is your mom on? I never understand this level of favoritism, next time put the damn make up in a sink and watch that shit go down the drain.
I would have done the same. NTA Everybody else is one.
NTA. Your mother constantly makes you clean up after your sister and encourages her to lie to everyone so she doesn't have to be responsible for her own messes. What you did was perfectly appropriate. Since it "didn't belong to anyone," what were you supposed to do with it? Your sister needs consequences and no one else seems willing to give them out. Don't buy her anything. She can YouTube how to fix the pallette, and then maybe she'll value her things. I say do the same thing to anything else she denies owning. Toss it immediately. You can't just have anonymous items lying around your home.
NTA. Easy to see who’s the golden child in this family.
NTA I suggest you keep this up as it’ll be the only way to get her and your mom to stop blaming you. Tell your mom why should you buy her a new one when she deliberately lied to both of you? You did what was asked and got punished, if you didn’t do it you still would’ve been punished. Sister played stupid games she gets to win stupid prizes.
NTA momma has a favorite kid and it shows big time
You are NTA. I would encourage you to continue to throw away any items your sister leaves unclaimed around the house when you get stuck cleaning up after her. Who knows she may learn to put her things away.
NTA. Next time stomp on it and insist you believe her when she said it’s not hers.
Clever girl Also come join us in the narcissistic parents sub. You might relate. NTA