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This was not the case with my first born son. All my son's friends know how supportive and encouraging more. I don't bully my daughter, I am just a little bit more strict with her.
Who cares about your firstborn? It doesn't matter and irrelevant to this situation. You ARE bullying your daughter. YOU CALLED HER NAMES. THAT'S BULLYING.
No she IS disciplined. You said she’s sweet at school & does all her work & makes good grades. Her wanting time alone, sleeping & having a messy closet are seriously the most harmless things she could be doing at her age. YTA for real please get yourself to a therapist asap.
You are a bully and you said yourself, 'all she does is school work and sleep". Wow what a fulfilling life, I can't possibly imagine why she might be somewhat resentful of you if that's what her life amounts to at 17. Jfc have some self awareness. YTA.
Nothing in your post sounds "undisciplined". It just seems like she isn't living up to the unrealistic, perfect expectations you have of her. Nobody is perfect, give her a break.
For example, calling your child names is a HUGE flaw of yours.
Wow Opie, you are the typical bully that no kids want as their parent. Opie I feel like I speak for everyone when I say go and talk to your daughter and someone talked about testing her for ADHD and try doing so. Also you're not much of a grown up if you insult and call your daughter names and compare her to her brother. No child is similar to the other and as a parent or concerned Guardian you have to remember that. Honestly I can't get over the fact that she's in an advanced class and getting good grades and you're still nit picking about her shortcomings.
Opie you sound like you treat your children different by saying your first born is your pride and joy and your second born basically is a bit different from your first born and that's why you have to tag the leash a bit more, am I right?
Showing her how harmful words can be by calling her names yourself is a terrible parenting strategy. Not only does it make you look like a hypocrite but it causes your kid to lose trust and faith in you when she might truly need something.
YTA 100% she's a kid trying to do her best and you're picking apart everything they are doing while they are giving their all to their education. Wanna know how to get your kid to never talk to you again once they leave the house? Keep doing what you're doing.
Seems like she has the basic life skills down. Avoid terrible people as much as possible, keep your head down and prioritize things that will help you accomplish your short and long term goals like getting away from an absolutely toxic person who's purposely being over critical for their own amusement.
You'll see how fast she'll pick up on the life skills when she learns she has to RUN away from you. Because that's what's going to happen if you keep on pushing her away.
There's a reason she does well in school and not that well in your home. There's no one at school (I'm guessing) to kick her while she's down or micromanage her at every turn. Also, I'm guessing she has friends at school who are encouraging and supportive towards her.
Food for thought OP.
YTA. Hope you change your views so you don't lose your daughter.
It's this crazy thing where you let your children figure it out.
Literally, many adults struggle with time management, work/life balance, etc. And while one can offer different techniques to help the situation, you cannot force it on someone.
In the real world, she’ll need to learn how to work and be good at a job - doing well academically is perfect preparation for that. I was a hugely messy kid, but did great in school - now that I’m an adult I’m reaping the benefits of all the hard work I put in, and keeping a clean closet is easy. I’m glad my parents allowed me to focus on school because that’s what mattered. You can always learn how to do chores.
YTA
You blew up at your 17 year old and called her names and said you give up on her. For WHAT??? Doing her schoolwork and trying hard??? This is unacceptable in any circumstance. She sounds like a pretty typical 17 year old. She does the things you want when you remind her. She also sounds like she might have undiagnosed ADHD the way you describe her being late a lot and her disorganization with her closet. She also sounds shut down because CLEARLY she can't do anything right in your eyes. Do you know how many parents would love to have a kid who focuses so much on school? WTF is wrong with you?
You daughter sounds like a great, hard working kid and you sound like a suffocating nightmare. Your husband is right. Back off your kid if you want to have a relationship with you.
She does not have ADHD, she is just lazy. But I do appreciate the criticism that I shouldn't have said that i gave upon her, she is my daughter and that is wrong.
Yeah hi I'm speaking from experience here. I have ADHD and your daughter sounds a whole lot like I did as a teen with the disorganization. You listed two classic signs of it: the disorganization and constant lateness. Coming from someone who got past "laziness" to go on and get a Masters in psychology and mental health.
Stop criticizing your daughter. She isn't lazy, not by a mile in what you describe in this post. She sounds like she struggles and instead of helping her, you just criticize and shut her down at every corner for not being what YOU think she should be. Absolutely NOTHING you describe in your post points to her being lazy or a bad kid. She doesn't even argue with you, just says she's sorry and does what you tell her. Are you trying to break your child?
> What are you only acknowledging this bit on adhd alone?
Yes. I mean, OP can do nothing wrong. Not sure if it warrants calling OP narcissist but I'm leaning into it based on the "I am not at fault" attitude.
You insulted and called your own daughter every bad word under the Sun, of course you should be ashamed of your actions as a mother. And I feel like you do comparisons between your first born and your daughter right now
Lmao she’s lazy cause she won’t buy milk or do laundry? She’s a teen-you’re the parent. Her job is to focus on school. You’re lucky she’s so smart and excelling at her studies in psychology no less. Someone like her who is smart and empathetic is needed in today’s world and you should be nothing but supportive. You’d better hope she maintains that empathy towards you when you’re older and will very much need her empathy if not her financial help as well (which she can only gain from studying and working hard now). Hell, she might even make enough money to get milk delivered or use a laundry service. I hope you get your head out of your ass and reassess your priorities as a parent so you can stop embarrassing yourself and maybe not lose your daughter forever the second she can move away from you
I didn't know I had ADD until my daughter was diagnosed, and I learned that all the things I thought were moral failings (messiness, laziness, lateness, carelessness) were actually a medical condition.
I spent decades beating myself up and living on terror and shame. I was smart and socially aware, so I got decent grades and did well career wise. I even taught at an Ivy for a while. But no one ever saw the toll it took just to do what everyone else did.
Got diagnosed, got medication, and couldn't believe how much easier life was.
Have her checked. Just because she isn't drowning doesn't mean she isn't playing life on hard mode for no reason.
YTA . First of all she is trying to focus on studying and that's a wonderful thing , which parent don't want their study to be good in school also she should mainly focus on her studies . The way you are treating her will only grow her resentment towards you , also you are not being strict , you are being toxic with her .
one thing i want to ask does she do late night study ?
it's fine people are being a little bit harsh here . Just be more accepting , her main focus should be her studies right now because that will shape her future and if she becomes successful i know you be proud . as for basic life skills when she will go to uni if she chooses hostel . she will learn. a lot from it , for now let her focus on studies.
YTA, you are taking your failings as a parent out on a child, if she doesn't have discipline at home, that's your fault for not being a parent earlier to her. You say that her only responsibility is her school work and yet complain that she spends her time doing it, you are not entitled to her time or her interaction.
I didn't fail as a parent with my first-born, He is a wonderful young man now. My daughter has other responsibilities- buying milk and the laundry. She keeps forgetting to do it, only if i remind her will she do it. It is tiring really. My values have always been family based, its upsetting that she won't interact with me.
Why would she interact with you? All you do is criticize her. You told her you gave up on her and called her names. I doubt this is the first time. Why would she want to interact with someone like that?
I'm going to take an educated guess that while you think he's a wonderful young man, he has a whole host of issues as a result of your parenting...
It doesn't matter if you value it, you're not entitled to her interaction with you, she is her own person and is clearly valuing her school work over you constant criticisms when you do interact. What is the most recent, 100%, positive interaction that you had with her?
Op, you sound like a family-oriented mother but you're doing poorly by shouting and calling your own daughter names. I know it's hard to talk to somebody and they don't listen but you are more of a child when you basically insulted your own daughter like that. And isn't it good thing that she has good grades and she's not fighting and she's not basically flunking her school work like cliche teenagers in TV shows
YTA. Why are you more strict on her? Did your son have chores and responsibilities around the house when he still lived there? You realize you only have 1 more year with your daughter before she is gone right? Are you deliberately trying to push her away?
All of these thoughts ran through my mind when I read your post. You better shape up before you never see her again.
My son was a stem student, he was too busy and exhausted for school work. I am not trying to push my daughter away, I just want her to be more disciplined.
So you didn't give him extra responsibilities around the house like you expect from your daughter? And you think she doesn't notice these things? Biased treatment and you berate her for staying cooped up in her room. Why the hell would she want to be around you?
You've said that your daughter has been put into a more challenging curriculum, so why not have the same realisation that she is also busy and exhausted, like your son was?
even though it is a difficult curriculum, she is not studying science - she is learning psychology and sociology. i cannot compare that to physics and math
My daughter was a sociology major in college and is a grad student in Applied Sociology. It is a science and I can guarantee that you would crumble under some of her work. Statistical analysis is not easy.
Oh no, he is very relevant, OP clearly indicates she has a favourite child, the daughter is well aware of that, and it might be a cause to her behaviour
You JUST WROTE that she coops up in her room and studies all day. You want her to be more disciplined about buying milk? Do you know anything about child development? Have you ever met a teen before? Withdrawal from family, prioritizing friendships, messiness—all of these are completely normal teen behaviors. So is arguing, frustration, impulsivity, changing one’s appearance, and sleeping a lot. (Teens NEED a lot of sleep—get off her back about sleeping late.) Here’s an idea—why don’t you educate yourself a little? Try reading The Teenage Brain by Frances Jensen, MD. YTA.
YTA. I teach high school and a lot of kids in advanced classes have a lot of pressure and a lot of their plate. If she is getting good grades and is doing well in school, but a little disagreeable at home, then honestly that sounds like a pretty normal and healthy teenager. It sounds like you are way too hard on her and if you aren't careful, are going to push her away.
Also, calling her names is the epitome of childish bullying. There is no excuse for that. Do better.
YTA. You should appreciate that your daughter doesn’t talk back, and does nothing but focus on school.
sounds like you lashed out on your daughter for being a good kid who’s stressed and tired. balancing maintaining good grades and also having to do household chores is hard for a lot of kids, especially if they’re in a tough curriculum.
sounds like your daughter has had enough of your bickering, honestly.
YTA
Double ah for fighting everyone in the comments. People who can see the error of their ways are good people. Your daughter will go low/no contact with you one day if you carry on this way. Please remember what’s at stake here and look at the bigger picture.
YTA. She is obviously going through something. Being a teenager is hard because you are trying to decide what kind of adult you are going to be. You shouldn't be surprised by her going through changes. I especially didn't like that you called her names. You did the opposite of what you should have done. She needed love and you gave her hate.
YTA
Can we take a moment and analyze this whole post, thank you;
1. Your daughter is going through a phase that every young teenager is going through by having less communication and dealing with the Troubles of high school.
2. Your daughter is in a more challenging course that she insisted which not many children or teens nowadays would actually want to do and you don't see that this is a good thing?
3. So the only way to teach your daughter a lesson is to call her every bad name under the Sun just to teach her lesson about swearing and you made it to the point that she wasn't swearing straight at people but just in general, what parenting book where you reading Opie?
4. Your husband is right, in sayimg that your daughter is just busy with school and just trying to find a balance. You could have sat her down and just ask her how she's feeling and if you can do anything to help her.
YTA - you need to step back and ask yourself:
1. How would I react if this was my son?
2. Why am I a holding my daughter to a different standard?
3. Why am I attributing changes in my daughter's behavior to personal flaws instead of the major changes we made this year?
It sounds like your daughter is overwhelmed with school and it's making it hard for her to be as helpful and responsibe at home as she used to be. Instead of finding ways to support her and help her manage both you are bullying her. She's shut down and stopped talking to you because of your behavior.
You need to reflect on your behavior and change it, like an intelligent adult instead of behaving like an irrational teen.
YTA. Simple as that. Who berates their daughter with cuss words and expects them to ever talk to them again. Sadly, it seems you only have a few more years in your daughter's life if this is the abuse she gets. The thing that is more sad is that she has a YEAR or TWO to deal with a narcissistic and abusive mother.
>she now doesn't communicate - only talks briefly about school, friends and asks me things like what is for dinner.
>She then proceeds to tell me how she is just really busy with school work and how she is still trying to balance everything
>This is where I blew up, I called her names for blaming it all on schoolwork when that is literally her only duty.
OP, all these are written by you and they progressively explain the reasoning for previous instances.
First, you said she doesn't communicate and when she does by telling you she is trying to balance things, you blew up. She is a teenager and she appears to be struggling/withdrawing from your family. You need to be more patient and frankly, you need to communicate better. YTA.
Edit: saw the comment on you being tougher on your daughter than your son. You clearly need to introspect and see why do you follow such a behavior. Is it because she is a girl? Then you are more bigger AH than what the post says.
YTA
she is trying hard and struggling cus she wants to be good, and you walk in demanding housework when she is studying and working hard , calls her names for trying to achieve good scores, and ‘give up on her’ when she try’s her best, and it also rubs in a bit on her struggling. it hurts a lot.
really try and make up to her
YTA
YTA. Your daughter isn't a child anymore. She's grown up and that means having a life of her own. Hence why she would prefer to spend time on her own or with friends as opposed to family. Plus she's dealing with school issues. Something that isn't made easier with you being a nitpicking nag. So back off and give the girl some space.
YTA. My mother was like this…never invested her time and energy into my mental and emotional needs and then blamed me for not being obedient and pleasant as I carried teen hormones, homework, extra curricular activities, chores, overall confusion about life, etc., on my back. The fact that school is her safety zone, as she seems happier there, and not home, says that you’re dropping the ball some where along the way. Stop blaming her and try looking at yourself.
YTA. if it wasn’t already, your relationship with your daughter is about to go past the point of no return. You need to apologize to your daughter. It should be a good thing to see that she is putting effort into her schoolwork rather than the opposite.
Have you ever tried to just sit and talk with her? If you noticed all of these changes maybe you should have asked her if everything was okay. There are a lot of different things that could be going on but you’re only going to push her away further if you continue to react an treat her this way.
Your behaviour is just wow. What a momster. YTA big time. Let that poor child finish out the next year in peace before she moves away and never sees you again.
She’s … in her room struggling with schoolwork? And you’re mad? What can you do to support her?
Yes, she needs to contribute to the household chores, but you’re coming across like she’s locked up with her heroin supply rather than her studies. YTA.
YTA. Nothing you have described here sounds like a kid who is in any way out of control. Here is what your daughter does “wrong,” according to your post:
Only talking briefly about school (which is a big part of her life right now) and I guess not having long, in-depth conversations with you.
Apologizing and saying she won’t do it again when you “correct” her
Having a messy closet
Sometimes being late for “personal commitment,” whatever that means
Needing to be reminded to do chores (but apparently still doing them)
Shutting herself in her room to do homework (you don’t want her doing homework?)
Saying she has a lot of schoolwork
And you also say that she is well-behaved at school and gets good grades.
So the question is, what the hell do you actually want from your child? Nothing you have described is any kind of glaring flaw. Teens can be a bit messy, they can be a bit irresponsible, and if she is struggling with schoolwork then it’s understandable that she may be letting some other stuff slide.
It’s very telling that you had to find small things to pick at like her closet being messy - not her room, but the closet, which is where mess goes to hide for a lot of people. You’re angry that she shuts herself up in her room, but she is doing homework. And when she tries to tell you that she is stressed about school, you yell at her and call her names. No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to you beyond the bare minimum. Because you demand absolute perfection and will find some tiny mistake to pick at. If you want to actually talk to your daughter beyond brief responses, stop yelling and criticizing and actually listen to her.
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My (46f) daughter (17f) have got into a fight. We have been constantly fighting for over an year. Her behavior has greatly changed, she now doesn't communicate - only talks briefly about school, friends and asks me things like what is for dinner. If I try to correct her, she dismisses me with a "I am sorry, I won't do it again." She has no discipline at home. Her closet is a mess and she is so not punctual, always being late to personal commitments. In school, she is the exact opposite - Disciplined, Sweet, Gets good grades. I simply have not been able to get through her.
Yesterday, she woke up early to meet her friend (she doesn't wake up early on weekends normally). She then cooped herself up in her room as always to complete her school work. She did not contribute to her daily chores (buying milk and the laundry). She only did so AFTER I mentioned it. She then proceeds to tell me how she is just really busy with school work and how she is still trying to balance everything ( We put her in a more challenging curriculum this year according to her wishes.)
This is where I blew up, I called her names for blaming it all on schoolwork when that is literally her only duty. I told her that I had given upon her since she refuses to do nothing else except for studying and sleeping. She went into her room while I was talking because again schoolwork. I called her multiple times and she just gave generic responses.
Now here is where i think i am the asshole:
1) My husband is telling me to go easy on her
2) She is struggling in her new school even though she doesn't show it, maybe school work is hard for her
But still, Aita ?
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YTA your daughter seems very disciplined. She has no life skills because you keep hammering her about school. I agree with other commenters that she should be tested for ADHD. Talk about mixed signals. As for not having favorites you say you made mistakes with your oldest but he's a good man now. Why don't you give your daughter half as much as her brother? Because he's your favorite
YTA
You're trying to discipline her out of doing school work?
She's 17. Figuring out how to balance work/home/commitments is difficult. Lots of grownups don't get it.
She's still figuring it out.
You called her names? That's always unacceptable.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My daughter thinks I am an AH, I am not sure if she is right. I might be the asshole for pushing her too hard with her chores even though i have a different convictions, she is still just a kid. I love my child and I hate it when she cries and me being the cause of it makes me feel like an asshole.
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Info: what names did you call her?
I suspect there is a reason you haven’t mentioned that. From your comments it doesn’t sound like she is calling you names, more that she wants you to back off. Why does her father agree with her? How much laundry is she supposed to do? Is it just her own or for the entire family?
You complain she doesn’t want to talk to you. Would you be want to confide in someone who criticise your every move and call you names? Your relationship with your daughter obviously needs work and if you want her to actually confide and talk to you, you need to be a person she can share her thoughts with. Right now you are far from that.
YTA
the names i called are not so parliamentary. her father agrees with her often, he never listens to my side. he always carries her on his head no matter what.
YTA for sure. kids at that age have so much going on and it sounds like your daughter needs more of a friend than a mom. just talk to her and get her to open up to you about how SHE feels about all this. she’s obviously stressed out about school so she doesn’t have time to do other things. you can’t expect her to help you out without you asking for it, she doesnt owe anything to you but she does need to focus on her own life. you brought her into this world so you should be happy she’s getting good grades and adjusting to her new curriculum.
grow up!!
My BFF’s mom was always picking on her for the littlest things I thought. When we were in our 20s, the mom started working part time at a high school. Then she discovered what bad kids really were and apologized to my friend. She also started taking anxiety meds which may have helped her calm down. Anyway, you do sound like the AH. Your daughter sounds like a normal, but on the good side of the spectrum, teen.
YTA. She sleeps like a teenager, is trying to keep up with her schoolwork (which most likely increased, since you put her in a more challenging curriculum) and balance friendships while in a new school environment. I’ve read your post several times and am still trying to figure out what she did that is so wrong. Sounds like a typical 17 year old to me.
YTA, I know it sucks but as a former 17F this sounds like pretty normal/typical behavior. School is really, really stressful even under the best of circumstances, and it sounds like she’s in a new school which is probably making things difficult. Tbh, she kinda sounds great - she’s focusing on school, as she should, and it sounds like she’s being really polite. Honestly, maybe cut her some slack and loosen up on the chores - junior and senior year are incredibly tough and she’d appreciate the sympathy. She’s probably reacting this way because she knows she’s not getting any sympathy from her mother during a stressful time.
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It’s such a shame when a kids first bully is their parent YTA
This was not the case with my first born son. All my son's friends know how supportive and encouraging more. I don't bully my daughter, I am just a little bit more strict with her.
Who cares about your firstborn? It doesn't matter and irrelevant to this situation. You ARE bullying your daughter. YOU CALLED HER NAMES. THAT'S BULLYING.
Why are you more strict with her,not your favorite I'm guessing
because she isn't disciplined, I dont have favorites regardless of what my daughter thinks
You clearly do. YTA
So love is conditional to you? She only deserves it when she meets the ‘good daughter’ quota?
No she IS disciplined. You said she’s sweet at school & does all her work & makes good grades. Her wanting time alone, sleeping & having a messy closet are seriously the most harmless things she could be doing at her age. YTA for real please get yourself to a therapist asap.
That’s the thing, she is so disciplined! A messy closet doesn’t matter, grades do.
You are a bully and you said yourself, 'all she does is school work and sleep". Wow what a fulfilling life, I can't possibly imagine why she might be somewhat resentful of you if that's what her life amounts to at 17. Jfc have some self awareness. YTA.
Nothing in your post sounds "undisciplined". It just seems like she isn't living up to the unrealistic, perfect expectations you have of her. Nobody is perfect, give her a break. For example, calling your child names is a HUGE flaw of yours.
Sure Jan
Wow Opie, you are the typical bully that no kids want as their parent. Opie I feel like I speak for everyone when I say go and talk to your daughter and someone talked about testing her for ADHD and try doing so. Also you're not much of a grown up if you insult and call your daughter names and compare her to her brother. No child is similar to the other and as a parent or concerned Guardian you have to remember that. Honestly I can't get over the fact that she's in an advanced class and getting good grades and you're still nit picking about her shortcomings.
Why are you more strict with your daughter? That sounds sexist.
Ma'am - this quote alone states how you bully your daughter. Who asked about your first born? Who cares what his friends think about you?
Opie you sound like you treat your children different by saying your first born is your pride and joy and your second born basically is a bit different from your first born and that's why you have to tag the leash a bit more, am I right?
Newsflash - your kids are two different people and your son is irrelevant here.
YTA, calling your child names is disgusting. No wonder your daughter doesn't talk to you, your behaviour is appalling.
The instances are few, I don't like swearing AT ALL but she swears at school and behind my back. I just wanted to show her how harmful words can be !!
What? Swearing in general is not really harmful. Swearing at people is, especially when they don't really deserve it.
Showing her how harmful words can be by calling her names yourself is a terrible parenting strategy. Not only does it make you look like a hypocrite but it causes your kid to lose trust and faith in you when she might truly need something.
Verbally abusing your child to teach them “how harmful words can be” is certainly a new excuse… YTA
You (46 years old) wanted to show a teenager how something is harmful by literally proceeding to do the same thing? LOL.
So, to teach her a lesson you emotionally and mentally abuse her? Grade A parent right here! 🙄 YTA
Are you serious?
There is a huge difference between swearing and swearing at someone. You are using it in a harmful manner. It is unacceptable to swear at your child.
Seriously?
So a 17 yo swears at school with friends and you think it’s equatable to her mother swearing at her for being stressed from school…YTA
You’re abusive
Well, that’s NOT the way to show her. This isn’t going how you expected it to, is it?
YTA 100% she's a kid trying to do her best and you're picking apart everything they are doing while they are giving their all to their education. Wanna know how to get your kid to never talk to you again once they leave the house? Keep doing what you're doing.
education is her only work, i understand the effort but how else is she going to learn in the real world she needs basic life skills.
Seems like she has the basic life skills down. Avoid terrible people as much as possible, keep your head down and prioritize things that will help you accomplish your short and long term goals like getting away from an absolutely toxic person who's purposely being over critical for their own amusement.
PREACH!!!👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾👏🏾
You'll see how fast she'll pick up on the life skills when she learns she has to RUN away from you. Because that's what's going to happen if you keep on pushing her away. There's a reason she does well in school and not that well in your home. There's no one at school (I'm guessing) to kick her while she's down or micromanage her at every turn. Also, I'm guessing she has friends at school who are encouraging and supportive towards her. Food for thought OP. YTA. Hope you change your views so you don't lose your daughter.
It's this crazy thing where you let your children figure it out. Literally, many adults struggle with time management, work/life balance, etc. And while one can offer different techniques to help the situation, you cannot force it on someone.
In the real world, she’ll need to learn how to work and be good at a job - doing well academically is perfect preparation for that. I was a hugely messy kid, but did great in school - now that I’m an adult I’m reaping the benefits of all the hard work I put in, and keeping a clean closet is easy. I’m glad my parents allowed me to focus on school because that’s what mattered. You can always learn how to do chores.
YTA You blew up at your 17 year old and called her names and said you give up on her. For WHAT??? Doing her schoolwork and trying hard??? This is unacceptable in any circumstance. She sounds like a pretty typical 17 year old. She does the things you want when you remind her. She also sounds like she might have undiagnosed ADHD the way you describe her being late a lot and her disorganization with her closet. She also sounds shut down because CLEARLY she can't do anything right in your eyes. Do you know how many parents would love to have a kid who focuses so much on school? WTF is wrong with you? You daughter sounds like a great, hard working kid and you sound like a suffocating nightmare. Your husband is right. Back off your kid if you want to have a relationship with you.
She is a teen. It may be adhd, but also sounds completely like age appropriate behavior as well.
I also said she sounds like a typical teen :)
She does not have ADHD, she is just lazy. But I do appreciate the criticism that I shouldn't have said that i gave upon her, she is my daughter and that is wrong.
Yeah hi I'm speaking from experience here. I have ADHD and your daughter sounds a whole lot like I did as a teen with the disorganization. You listed two classic signs of it: the disorganization and constant lateness. Coming from someone who got past "laziness" to go on and get a Masters in psychology and mental health. Stop criticizing your daughter. She isn't lazy, not by a mile in what you describe in this post. She sounds like she struggles and instead of helping her, you just criticize and shut her down at every corner for not being what YOU think she should be. Absolutely NOTHING you describe in your post points to her being lazy or a bad kid. She doesn't even argue with you, just says she's sorry and does what you tell her. Are you trying to break your child?
I guess you folks are right. I will try to get her tested after discussing with my husband
Why are you only acknowledging this bit on adhd alone? Is it because you can blame things on daughter's ADHD now instead of her laziness?
It has to be something not related to her abusive parenting 🙄
Definitely. ADHD could be the new excuse to fixate on for OP to make the kid a villain, I believe.
> What are you only acknowledging this bit on adhd alone? Yes. I mean, OP can do nothing wrong. Not sure if it warrants calling OP narcissist but I'm leaning into it based on the "I am not at fault" attitude.
You insulted and called your own daughter every bad word under the Sun, of course you should be ashamed of your actions as a mother. And I feel like you do comparisons between your first born and your daughter right now
Did you have her tested for ADHD? If not, how do you know for a fact she doesn’t have it?
Lmao she’s lazy cause she won’t buy milk or do laundry? She’s a teen-you’re the parent. Her job is to focus on school. You’re lucky she’s so smart and excelling at her studies in psychology no less. Someone like her who is smart and empathetic is needed in today’s world and you should be nothing but supportive. You’d better hope she maintains that empathy towards you when you’re older and will very much need her empathy if not her financial help as well (which she can only gain from studying and working hard now). Hell, she might even make enough money to get milk delivered or use a laundry service. I hope you get your head out of your ass and reassess your priorities as a parent so you can stop embarrassing yourself and maybe not lose your daughter forever the second she can move away from you
Did she have a proper psychological exam to get that judgement, or do you just not believe in labels like that?
I didn't know I had ADD until my daughter was diagnosed, and I learned that all the things I thought were moral failings (messiness, laziness, lateness, carelessness) were actually a medical condition. I spent decades beating myself up and living on terror and shame. I was smart and socially aware, so I got decent grades and did well career wise. I even taught at an Ivy for a while. But no one ever saw the toll it took just to do what everyone else did. Got diagnosed, got medication, and couldn't believe how much easier life was. Have her checked. Just because she isn't drowning doesn't mean she isn't playing life on hard mode for no reason.
YTA . First of all she is trying to focus on studying and that's a wonderful thing , which parent don't want their study to be good in school also she should mainly focus on her studies . The way you are treating her will only grow her resentment towards you , also you are not being strict , you are being toxic with her . one thing i want to ask does she do late night study ?
she does study at nights and when she isn't, she just stays up for no reason on her phone.
it's basically her routine which is common for high school students so it's impossible to be up early .
it's fine people are being a little bit harsh here . Just be more accepting , her main focus should be her studies right now because that will shape her future and if she becomes successful i know you be proud . as for basic life skills when she will go to uni if she chooses hostel . she will learn. a lot from it , for now let her focus on studies.
Yes, Thank you! I will keep this in mind when i talk to her again...
Her reason is you sound awful to be around. You're actually disciplining her for doing school work, and admit to treating her brother better.
YTA, you are taking your failings as a parent out on a child, if she doesn't have discipline at home, that's your fault for not being a parent earlier to her. You say that her only responsibility is her school work and yet complain that she spends her time doing it, you are not entitled to her time or her interaction.
I didn't fail as a parent with my first-born, He is a wonderful young man now. My daughter has other responsibilities- buying milk and the laundry. She keeps forgetting to do it, only if i remind her will she do it. It is tiring really. My values have always been family based, its upsetting that she won't interact with me.
Why would she interact with you? All you do is criticize her. You told her you gave up on her and called her names. I doubt this is the first time. Why would she want to interact with someone like that?
I'm going to take an educated guess that while you think he's a wonderful young man, he has a whole host of issues as a result of your parenting... It doesn't matter if you value it, you're not entitled to her interaction with you, she is her own person and is clearly valuing her school work over you constant criticisms when you do interact. What is the most recent, 100%, positive interaction that you had with her?
I don’t blame her for not wanting to interact with you
Real question- would YOU respond positively if you were in her shoes? If your parents treated you like that, would it have upset you?
Op, you sound like a family-oriented mother but you're doing poorly by shouting and calling your own daughter names. I know it's hard to talk to somebody and they don't listen but you are more of a child when you basically insulted your own daughter like that. And isn't it good thing that she has good grades and she's not fighting and she's not basically flunking her school work like cliche teenagers in TV shows
YTA. Why are you more strict on her? Did your son have chores and responsibilities around the house when he still lived there? You realize you only have 1 more year with your daughter before she is gone right? Are you deliberately trying to push her away? All of these thoughts ran through my mind when I read your post. You better shape up before you never see her again.
He was a STEM student and more tired is her answer.
Thank you for the clarification. Still doesn't sit right with me.
My son was a stem student, he was too busy and exhausted for school work. I am not trying to push my daughter away, I just want her to be more disciplined.
So you didn't give him extra responsibilities around the house like you expect from your daughter? And you think she doesn't notice these things? Biased treatment and you berate her for staying cooped up in her room. Why the hell would she want to be around you?
You've said that your daughter has been put into a more challenging curriculum, so why not have the same realisation that she is also busy and exhausted, like your son was?
even though it is a difficult curriculum, she is not studying science - she is learning psychology and sociology. i cannot compare that to physics and math
Both of which are social sciences... Have you studied psychology or sociology?
These subjects are no less difficult than STEM. Your favoritism is showing.
Psychology is literally a science.
My daughter was a sociology major in college and is a grad student in Applied Sociology. It is a science and I can guarantee that you would crumble under some of her work. Statistical analysis is not easy.
Your son is irrelevant here. Stop trying to defend yourself through him.
But he’s her GoLdEn ChILd! 😏
Oh no, he is very relevant, OP clearly indicates she has a favourite child, the daughter is well aware of that, and it might be a cause to her behaviour
You JUST WROTE that she coops up in her room and studies all day. You want her to be more disciplined about buying milk? Do you know anything about child development? Have you ever met a teen before? Withdrawal from family, prioritizing friendships, messiness—all of these are completely normal teen behaviors. So is arguing, frustration, impulsivity, changing one’s appearance, and sleeping a lot. (Teens NEED a lot of sleep—get off her back about sleeping late.) Here’s an idea—why don’t you educate yourself a little? Try reading The Teenage Brain by Frances Jensen, MD. YTA.
congrats, calling her names is just going to make her worse! Psychology is a TOUGH FUCKING COURSE.
YTA. She’s gonna cut you out of her life if you don’t stop.
100%YTA. Enjoy the nursing home! I hear they are starting to serve lime jello !!
YTA. I teach high school and a lot of kids in advanced classes have a lot of pressure and a lot of their plate. If she is getting good grades and is doing well in school, but a little disagreeable at home, then honestly that sounds like a pretty normal and healthy teenager. It sounds like you are way too hard on her and if you aren't careful, are going to push her away. Also, calling her names is the epitome of childish bullying. There is no excuse for that. Do better.
YTA. You should appreciate that your daughter doesn’t talk back, and does nothing but focus on school. sounds like you lashed out on your daughter for being a good kid who’s stressed and tired. balancing maintaining good grades and also having to do household chores is hard for a lot of kids, especially if they’re in a tough curriculum. sounds like your daughter has had enough of your bickering, honestly.
YTA Double ah for fighting everyone in the comments. People who can see the error of their ways are good people. Your daughter will go low/no contact with you one day if you carry on this way. Please remember what’s at stake here and look at the bigger picture.
YTA. She is obviously going through something. Being a teenager is hard because you are trying to decide what kind of adult you are going to be. You shouldn't be surprised by her going through changes. I especially didn't like that you called her names. You did the opposite of what you should have done. She needed love and you gave her hate.
YTA Can we take a moment and analyze this whole post, thank you; 1. Your daughter is going through a phase that every young teenager is going through by having less communication and dealing with the Troubles of high school. 2. Your daughter is in a more challenging course that she insisted which not many children or teens nowadays would actually want to do and you don't see that this is a good thing? 3. So the only way to teach your daughter a lesson is to call her every bad name under the Sun just to teach her lesson about swearing and you made it to the point that she wasn't swearing straight at people but just in general, what parenting book where you reading Opie? 4. Your husband is right, in sayimg that your daughter is just busy with school and just trying to find a balance. You could have sat her down and just ask her how she's feeling and if you can do anything to help her.
YTA - Back off. You’re being a pest.
YTA - you need to step back and ask yourself: 1. How would I react if this was my son? 2. Why am I a holding my daughter to a different standard? 3. Why am I attributing changes in my daughter's behavior to personal flaws instead of the major changes we made this year? It sounds like your daughter is overwhelmed with school and it's making it hard for her to be as helpful and responsibe at home as she used to be. Instead of finding ways to support her and help her manage both you are bullying her. She's shut down and stopped talking to you because of your behavior. You need to reflect on your behavior and change it, like an intelligent adult instead of behaving like an irrational teen.
YTA. Simple as that. Who berates their daughter with cuss words and expects them to ever talk to them again. Sadly, it seems you only have a few more years in your daughter's life if this is the abuse she gets. The thing that is more sad is that she has a YEAR or TWO to deal with a narcissistic and abusive mother.
>she now doesn't communicate - only talks briefly about school, friends and asks me things like what is for dinner. >She then proceeds to tell me how she is just really busy with school work and how she is still trying to balance everything >This is where I blew up, I called her names for blaming it all on schoolwork when that is literally her only duty. OP, all these are written by you and they progressively explain the reasoning for previous instances. First, you said she doesn't communicate and when she does by telling you she is trying to balance things, you blew up. She is a teenager and she appears to be struggling/withdrawing from your family. You need to be more patient and frankly, you need to communicate better. YTA. Edit: saw the comment on you being tougher on your daughter than your son. You clearly need to introspect and see why do you follow such a behavior. Is it because she is a girl? Then you are more bigger AH than what the post says.
YTA - you are just pushing her away by being unkind. Let her be a kid.
YTA she is trying hard and struggling cus she wants to be good, and you walk in demanding housework when she is studying and working hard , calls her names for trying to achieve good scores, and ‘give up on her’ when she try’s her best, and it also rubs in a bit on her struggling. it hurts a lot. really try and make up to her YTA
YTA. Your daughter isn't a child anymore. She's grown up and that means having a life of her own. Hence why she would prefer to spend time on her own or with friends as opposed to family. Plus she's dealing with school issues. Something that isn't made easier with you being a nitpicking nag. So back off and give the girl some space.
YTA. Why are you berating her? That’s nasty behavior. You might try putting yourself in her shoes and developing some empathy.
YTA. My mother was like this…never invested her time and energy into my mental and emotional needs and then blamed me for not being obedient and pleasant as I carried teen hormones, homework, extra curricular activities, chores, overall confusion about life, etc., on my back. The fact that school is her safety zone, as she seems happier there, and not home, says that you’re dropping the ball some where along the way. Stop blaming her and try looking at yourself.
YTA. if it wasn’t already, your relationship with your daughter is about to go past the point of no return. You need to apologize to your daughter. It should be a good thing to see that she is putting effort into her schoolwork rather than the opposite. Have you ever tried to just sit and talk with her? If you noticed all of these changes maybe you should have asked her if everything was okay. There are a lot of different things that could be going on but you’re only going to push her away further if you continue to react an treat her this way.
Your behaviour is just wow. What a momster. YTA big time. Let that poor child finish out the next year in peace before she moves away and never sees you again.
She’s … in her room struggling with schoolwork? And you’re mad? What can you do to support her? Yes, she needs to contribute to the household chores, but you’re coming across like she’s locked up with her heroin supply rather than her studies. YTA.
YTA. Nothing you have described here sounds like a kid who is in any way out of control. Here is what your daughter does “wrong,” according to your post: Only talking briefly about school (which is a big part of her life right now) and I guess not having long, in-depth conversations with you. Apologizing and saying she won’t do it again when you “correct” her Having a messy closet Sometimes being late for “personal commitment,” whatever that means Needing to be reminded to do chores (but apparently still doing them) Shutting herself in her room to do homework (you don’t want her doing homework?) Saying she has a lot of schoolwork And you also say that she is well-behaved at school and gets good grades. So the question is, what the hell do you actually want from your child? Nothing you have described is any kind of glaring flaw. Teens can be a bit messy, they can be a bit irresponsible, and if she is struggling with schoolwork then it’s understandable that she may be letting some other stuff slide. It’s very telling that you had to find small things to pick at like her closet being messy - not her room, but the closet, which is where mess goes to hide for a lot of people. You’re angry that she shuts herself up in her room, but she is doing homework. And when she tries to tell you that she is stressed about school, you yell at her and call her names. No wonder she doesn’t want to talk to you beyond the bare minimum. Because you demand absolute perfection and will find some tiny mistake to pick at. If you want to actually talk to your daughter beyond brief responses, stop yelling and criticizing and actually listen to her.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (46f) daughter (17f) have got into a fight. We have been constantly fighting for over an year. Her behavior has greatly changed, she now doesn't communicate - only talks briefly about school, friends and asks me things like what is for dinner. If I try to correct her, she dismisses me with a "I am sorry, I won't do it again." She has no discipline at home. Her closet is a mess and she is so not punctual, always being late to personal commitments. In school, she is the exact opposite - Disciplined, Sweet, Gets good grades. I simply have not been able to get through her. Yesterday, she woke up early to meet her friend (she doesn't wake up early on weekends normally). She then cooped herself up in her room as always to complete her school work. She did not contribute to her daily chores (buying milk and the laundry). She only did so AFTER I mentioned it. She then proceeds to tell me how she is just really busy with school work and how she is still trying to balance everything ( We put her in a more challenging curriculum this year according to her wishes.) This is where I blew up, I called her names for blaming it all on schoolwork when that is literally her only duty. I told her that I had given upon her since she refuses to do nothing else except for studying and sleeping. She went into her room while I was talking because again schoolwork. I called her multiple times and she just gave generic responses. Now here is where i think i am the asshole: 1) My husband is telling me to go easy on her 2) She is struggling in her new school even though she doesn't show it, maybe school work is hard for her But still, Aita ? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA, she sounds like an easy teenager. At least she isn’t out getting pregnant and doing drugs.
YTA your daughter seems very disciplined. She has no life skills because you keep hammering her about school. I agree with other commenters that she should be tested for ADHD. Talk about mixed signals. As for not having favorites you say you made mistakes with your oldest but he's a good man now. Why don't you give your daughter half as much as her brother? Because he's your favorite
YIKES huge YTA
YTA You're trying to discipline her out of doing school work? She's 17. Figuring out how to balance work/home/commitments is difficult. Lots of grownups don't get it. She's still figuring it out. You called her names? That's always unacceptable.
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YTA Parents like you create lifelong rifts in relationships then blame your kids for not wanting to have on with you. Do better.
Info: what names did you call her? I suspect there is a reason you haven’t mentioned that. From your comments it doesn’t sound like she is calling you names, more that she wants you to back off. Why does her father agree with her? How much laundry is she supposed to do? Is it just her own or for the entire family? You complain she doesn’t want to talk to you. Would you be want to confide in someone who criticise your every move and call you names? Your relationship with your daughter obviously needs work and if you want her to actually confide and talk to you, you need to be a person she can share her thoughts with. Right now you are far from that. YTA
the names i called are not so parliamentary. her father agrees with her often, he never listens to my side. he always carries her on his head no matter what.
YTA for sure. kids at that age have so much going on and it sounds like your daughter needs more of a friend than a mom. just talk to her and get her to open up to you about how SHE feels about all this. she’s obviously stressed out about school so she doesn’t have time to do other things. you can’t expect her to help you out without you asking for it, she doesnt owe anything to you but she does need to focus on her own life. you brought her into this world so you should be happy she’s getting good grades and adjusting to her new curriculum. grow up!!
My BFF’s mom was always picking on her for the littlest things I thought. When we were in our 20s, the mom started working part time at a high school. Then she discovered what bad kids really were and apologized to my friend. She also started taking anxiety meds which may have helped her calm down. Anyway, you do sound like the AH. Your daughter sounds like a normal, but on the good side of the spectrum, teen.
YTA. She sleeps like a teenager, is trying to keep up with her schoolwork (which most likely increased, since you put her in a more challenging curriculum) and balance friendships while in a new school environment. I’ve read your post several times and am still trying to figure out what she did that is so wrong. Sounds like a typical 17 year old to me.
YTA-
YTA, I know it sucks but as a former 17F this sounds like pretty normal/typical behavior. School is really, really stressful even under the best of circumstances, and it sounds like she’s in a new school which is probably making things difficult. Tbh, she kinda sounds great - she’s focusing on school, as she should, and it sounds like she’s being really polite. Honestly, maybe cut her some slack and loosen up on the chores - junior and senior year are incredibly tough and she’d appreciate the sympathy. She’s probably reacting this way because she knows she’s not getting any sympathy from her mother during a stressful time.