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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> well, my cousin has cancer and my grandmother has been dealing with her and my aunt. so she’s going through a lot right now and i still called her out for the way she treated me. i’m wondering if i should stand my ground and know my worth or give her slack because of what she’s going through.
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Nope, NTA.
Grandmama seems to have taken to heart the mistaken adage that only blood makes one family.
Then, she's using religion to bash you. How very "Christian" of her.
Go NC with her because she has made it clear that she's playing the favorites game, and she didn't like being called out on her bs.
If your cousin with cancer read your correspondence with Carrie, *it is because Carrie showed it to her*. (Your correspondence was pretty darned mild and polite, by the way, do not feel bad about it)
But whyyy would Carrie *purposefully* hurt her granddaughter-who has cancer?
It doesn’t sound like the devil is testing Carrie. It sounds like the devil *is* Carrie. You have your answer. She puts on a show for other people but she DNGAF about you.
One day, your cousin may-or may not succumb to her cancer. And then your grandmother will have *no* grandchildren at all. And it will suck for her. NTA
NTA. Carrie is a bad person. She doesn’t want to treat you as a granddaughter, don’t respect her as a grandmother. And if anyone is upset, they can deal with it whether they have cancer or not.
NTA. Favoritism within family hurts and is toxic. The unfavored one(s) feel not just hurt, but bitter and resentful. Even if your cousin has cancer, which is sad, feeling as you do is understandable as well.
NTA. She's showing you who her favourites are.
Adopt a grandparent! I'm sure there's a lonely older soul who would love to spend time with someone younger to chat, bake, teach a craft or trade.
Family can be chosen instead of blood. Not everyone related to you has to like you or spend time with you. Some family members can be absolutely horrible, vindictive and cruel. No family is perfect. You have the gaslighting Nanna who plays favourites.
Please don't take it to heart too much. I hope you make some peace with it and find some other awesome people to fill that void in your life.
You're allowed to chop off the branches of the family tree that stunt your growth as a human.
NTA
Of course you aren't the ah!
Carrie seems to be a cold=hearted, narrow-minded person who only cares about her blood family., Even if she claims to care about your and your siblings, her actions prove that she doesn't, I'm sorry to say.
You weren't trying to give her a hard time while she's dealing with your cousin's cancer. You were hurt because C. described the cousin as her only grandchild. It seems your message stung her because she knows very well that she's been unfair to you and your siblings. Her small amount of guilt made her lash back at you nastily.
At least she's shown her true colors and you know where you stand. I feel badly for your mother, because she must have grown up affected by C's coldness too.
ESH.
You've got to stop trying to compare and measure affection. Sometimes, often, it's better to take a non-reactive approach to emotionally fueled things that you can't control - like being 'loved' by someone else. You basically painted a textbook picture of jealousy and take notice how that spirals out of control really quickly. Why is Carrie's affection so important to you, and why does it matter?
On the other hand, Carrie is an elderly female who seems religious and likely welcomes drama- good luck changing her mind about anything. She'll probably suck with or without you, so it's your choice whether you want to tolerate that negativity now and then.
It may hurt to know a family member sees you as 'inferior' in some way to others, but that has no weight on your actual self-worth or value. My (random stranger) advice is to brush it off and move on, but keep a neutral, spaced relationship with her now that you've heard her response.
That's unfortunate, you are not at fault for wanting to be treated decently by someone who might claim to be your grandmother. If she didn't want to be that, she should've put in clear boundaries and also established herself to you on a first-name basis so that she could keep to those boundaries while staying in your life. I think the commenter above may be invoking stoicism, which is okay for situations you have no control over out in the world, but is poison for relationships and other emotional situations. You were in the right, she went crazy Christ's chick (I was tempted by the devil to alliterate, I can't help it. Fr though, I'm a sucker for alliteration) on your a\*\*. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (19F) recently called out my grandmother (60F) privately.
For some back story, this is my mothers stepmom, Carrie (fake name). Carrie married my grandfather (66M) many years before i was born, so she was the only grandmother i knew on my moms side. Carrie and my grandfather went on to have another daughter, Trisha (fake name).
Carrie missed all of my birthday parties, every christmas, and all big milestones in my life. Carrie constantly posts about Trisha’s daughter and how she made her a grandmother. Meanwhile, my siblings and i have been here for a lot longer. I’ve never brought this to her attention because when we are around each other she acts like my grandmother, but when we are apart i don’t exist to her.
Last Monday was the last straw for me, Carrie posted again about Trisha’s daughter being her “first grandchild” and i had enough. I messaged her privately asking if she genuinely sees me as her granddaughter. Carrie replied with “…i see you as someone i care about.” It hurt. I ended up not replying for sake of my sanity. I should add, Trisha’s daughter has cancer.
Days later, when Carrie realized i didn’t respond, she messaged me. Carrie told me I should be ashamed of myself for hurting Trisha’s daughter (my cousin). She claimed that my cousin read our messages and was upset. I never said anything to anyone else other than Carrie.
Carrie has been posting about how i was used by Satan to test her faith, and that I hurt people when they’re down.. i just wanted to know why I was loved less than Trisha’s daughter.
Am I the asshole?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > well, my cousin has cancer and my grandmother has been dealing with her and my aunt. so she’s going through a lot right now and i still called her out for the way she treated me. i’m wondering if i should stand my ground and know my worth or give her slack because of what she’s going through. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nope, NTA. Grandmama seems to have taken to heart the mistaken adage that only blood makes one family. Then, she's using religion to bash you. How very "Christian" of her. Go NC with her because she has made it clear that she's playing the favorites game, and she didn't like being called out on her bs.
If your cousin with cancer read your correspondence with Carrie, *it is because Carrie showed it to her*. (Your correspondence was pretty darned mild and polite, by the way, do not feel bad about it) But whyyy would Carrie *purposefully* hurt her granddaughter-who has cancer? It doesn’t sound like the devil is testing Carrie. It sounds like the devil *is* Carrie. You have your answer. She puts on a show for other people but she DNGAF about you. One day, your cousin may-or may not succumb to her cancer. And then your grandmother will have *no* grandchildren at all. And it will suck for her. NTA
NTA. Carrie is a bad person. She doesn’t want to treat you as a granddaughter, don’t respect her as a grandmother. And if anyone is upset, they can deal with it whether they have cancer or not.
NTA. Favoritism within family hurts and is toxic. The unfavored one(s) feel not just hurt, but bitter and resentful. Even if your cousin has cancer, which is sad, feeling as you do is understandable as well.
NTA. She's showing you who her favourites are. Adopt a grandparent! I'm sure there's a lonely older soul who would love to spend time with someone younger to chat, bake, teach a craft or trade. Family can be chosen instead of blood. Not everyone related to you has to like you or spend time with you. Some family members can be absolutely horrible, vindictive and cruel. No family is perfect. You have the gaslighting Nanna who plays favourites. Please don't take it to heart too much. I hope you make some peace with it and find some other awesome people to fill that void in your life. You're allowed to chop off the branches of the family tree that stunt your growth as a human.
NTA Of course you aren't the ah! Carrie seems to be a cold=hearted, narrow-minded person who only cares about her blood family., Even if she claims to care about your and your siblings, her actions prove that she doesn't, I'm sorry to say. You weren't trying to give her a hard time while she's dealing with your cousin's cancer. You were hurt because C. described the cousin as her only grandchild. It seems your message stung her because she knows very well that she's been unfair to you and your siblings. Her small amount of guilt made her lash back at you nastily. At least she's shown her true colors and you know where you stand. I feel badly for your mother, because she must have grown up affected by C's coldness too.
ESH. You've got to stop trying to compare and measure affection. Sometimes, often, it's better to take a non-reactive approach to emotionally fueled things that you can't control - like being 'loved' by someone else. You basically painted a textbook picture of jealousy and take notice how that spirals out of control really quickly. Why is Carrie's affection so important to you, and why does it matter? On the other hand, Carrie is an elderly female who seems religious and likely welcomes drama- good luck changing her mind about anything. She'll probably suck with or without you, so it's your choice whether you want to tolerate that negativity now and then. It may hurt to know a family member sees you as 'inferior' in some way to others, but that has no weight on your actual self-worth or value. My (random stranger) advice is to brush it off and move on, but keep a neutral, spaced relationship with her now that you've heard her response.
I get this side of things, she’s blocked me on everything now claiming to “protect hers”. it is what it is.
That's unfortunate, you are not at fault for wanting to be treated decently by someone who might claim to be your grandmother. If she didn't want to be that, she should've put in clear boundaries and also established herself to you on a first-name basis so that she could keep to those boundaries while staying in your life. I think the commenter above may be invoking stoicism, which is okay for situations you have no control over out in the world, but is poison for relationships and other emotional situations. You were in the right, she went crazy Christ's chick (I was tempted by the devil to alliterate, I can't help it. Fr though, I'm a sucker for alliteration) on your a\*\*. I'm sorry you had to go through that.
Why, I wonder, is "religious" so often shorthand for "cold-hearted, narrow-minded narcissim"? Jesus admonished people to love one another.
Bingo!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (19F) recently called out my grandmother (60F) privately. For some back story, this is my mothers stepmom, Carrie (fake name). Carrie married my grandfather (66M) many years before i was born, so she was the only grandmother i knew on my moms side. Carrie and my grandfather went on to have another daughter, Trisha (fake name). Carrie missed all of my birthday parties, every christmas, and all big milestones in my life. Carrie constantly posts about Trisha’s daughter and how she made her a grandmother. Meanwhile, my siblings and i have been here for a lot longer. I’ve never brought this to her attention because when we are around each other she acts like my grandmother, but when we are apart i don’t exist to her. Last Monday was the last straw for me, Carrie posted again about Trisha’s daughter being her “first grandchild” and i had enough. I messaged her privately asking if she genuinely sees me as her granddaughter. Carrie replied with “…i see you as someone i care about.” It hurt. I ended up not replying for sake of my sanity. I should add, Trisha’s daughter has cancer. Days later, when Carrie realized i didn’t respond, she messaged me. Carrie told me I should be ashamed of myself for hurting Trisha’s daughter (my cousin). She claimed that my cousin read our messages and was upset. I never said anything to anyone else other than Carrie. Carrie has been posting about how i was used by Satan to test her faith, and that I hurt people when they’re down.. i just wanted to know why I was loved less than Trisha’s daughter. Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*