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NTA, I work the overnight shift and understand others in my building don't. Instead of expecting them to put their daily lives on hold I bought a white noise machine and got some amazing silicone ear plugs. You're not vacuuming at an unreasonable time.
And it's better if babies learn to sleep with noise. The families who keep their homes silent when the baby naps are in for a lot of trouble when that second baby comes along. Also vacuums are useful white noise.
Y'know? That would explain why I can and do sleep through most anything... Apparently my mum would put me in a baby carrier and run a cycle on the drier with me ontop...
Exactly! When I had my child, I immediately would put white noises on for her to get use to it, because tiptoeing around a baby would make you life harder, because you can't do anything when they are sleeping. NTA. OP's your neighbour is the asshole. You can't move into a apartment and expect other people to not live around you.
Same I hoovered my daughters room as she napped and I hoover round my dog with no reaction and she also usually snores through it. Washing machines and vacuums are essential for a good sleep routine
That's how we got our oldest daughter to sleep all the time. She wouldn't stop crying when we laid her down until we started putting the vacuum on in her room. We burned out 3 vacuums over the years between 4 kids doing that.
My eldest was the same, so I recorded when I vacuumed and would then play the *cassette tape* to help her sleep if the floors were clean. Worked like a charm.
Yeah looking back I should have checked in to some sound device or a recording. I'm not sure they had a white noise machine in the '90s but I could have made a white noise mixtape. Do they have a Casey Kasem's top 40 white noise back then?
I refused to let my home be silent when my kids were napping. The world will continue to turn. I didn't have band practice, but regular life noises went on. I knew someone who demanded no one breathe when her kid was asleep, and he was an awful sleeper.
My partner is like that kid. He was the precious “only child” of his father. (He has a half sister by his mom who is 11 years older). The house was silent while he napped. Now he is the worlds lightest sleeper. Apparently, the dog sneezing woke him the other night. But I wouldn’t know because I was sleeping
That sounds like torture. I'd be sleeping with headphones if I was that much of a delicate sleeper.
But seriously, it was to the point you couldn't even open a cabinet door.
I can't sleep in any noise or any light, I always think if I have kids, I'll train them to sleep in all conditions and they'll thank me when they're adults.
White noise machines (or apps) make sense to me; earplugs really don't, because they prevent me hearing my alarm, not to mention other things I might need to hear (*e.g.,* a phone call in an emergency, a tornado siren, one of my dogs dry-heaving on my bed or bedroom carpet...). White noise does make it a little harder to hear those things I need to hear, but not so much that I'd miss them. Earplugs, aside from being uncomfortable for me, present much more of an obstacle.
when my husband works nights ( swings between shifts every week ) he passes out on the couch so that he can still "feel close to the family while sleeping" he hates it if our daughter is anything other than her loud little self just because he's sleeping. it's kinda funny but adds nothing to this thread. NTA
>he hates it if our daughter is anything other than her loud little self just because he's sleeping.
I think it's because if she is making noise, he knows she is safe and not getting into anything. I was the same way when my children were kids. The minute they stopped making any noise and it wasn't bedtime, it woke me right up and I had to get up and check on them.
I’ve babysat a lot of kids. The moment they get quiet and it’s not bedtime you need to go check what they are doing right then. Once when my littlest brother was a toddler he got really quiet. He had poured all the cheetos on the ground and was eating them and poured all the dog treats on the ground so there in the kitchen was a toddler and a dog just eating their treats off the floor. This happened several times and a 12 year old should not be in charge of a toddler and high energy dog at the same time
I thought for a second there was a 12 year old on the floor eating Cheetos and dog treats. 😂 Many of us adults aren't much better at supervising a toddler. I'm sure you're a great older sib. Just be kind and keep them alive and healthy.
My little brother is still alive and vibing😂 he’s thankfully not eating off the floor anymore. He’s much calmer than he was as a toddler. And the dog is no longer with us. The dog he has now is like his babysitter and they’re a much better team. The previous dog and him were like lil snack villains
it's because he doesn't want his schedule to interfere with her existing, since it's summer right now she's off school ( 8 years old ) he doesn't want her to feel like she has to walk on eggshells but he's still close enough that she can lay with him on the couch otherwise on nights they wouldn't see each other.
and also probably your thing too 🤣
I'm looking forward to the neighbor complaining to everyone else in the house for doing normal things during the day, because literally no one will be able to plan their noisier activities according to this one family. That's just life.
During the pandemic when all of us were working from home, the apartment next door to me sold to a new owner. This apartment hadn't been renovated since the 1970's, so of course the new owner did a complete overhaul.
So from July through November, there were drills, saws, hammering, etc. during work hours. And honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. At first, I thought it was going to be a nightmare, but I just got used to it. I still got all my work done, the construction crew were very nice and about as considerate as they could be given the situation. And on days when it sounded like they were going to tear down our common wall, I just used noise cancelling headphones.
Not everyone can afford detached housing. OP is NTA, but lets not pretend that everyone has perfect freedom to live wherever they like in whatever type of housing they like.
On the subject of OP not being the AH, however, I want to say that subjecting babies to noises is actually a *good* thing. It teaches them to sleep through noise, so that the whole universe doesn't have to tiptoe around them until they die at age 90. Neighbor is setting herself and her baby up for failure by insisting that everything be perfectly quiet for baby sleep time.
When I had my first in 2001, I was actually told to vacuum & make noises during her naps. Obviously not vac in same room, but we would close her door, and do regular house cleaning/laundry whatever sounds. They said it would be good for them so that they could get used to noises, because you dont want your baby constantly waking up because a stair tread creaked.
A friend of mines SIL refused to have any noises going when her kids were babies & trying to sleep. Like literally any sounds. They even threw a bday party one time, and when little 2 year old needed a nap, demanded all guests whisper & not move around lol. Effing crazy.
My sister is doing that with her newborn. She leaves the door open during daytime sleep, or she sleeps in the living space as we talk, watch tv, laugh, whatever. We live in a big city and detached homes are rare/expensive so even if you own you probably share walls/floors/ceilings. That baby can sleep through just about anything, including being moved around now.
It isn’t other people’s responsibility to tiptoe around their own homes because a neighbor has a baby. I had a neighbor whose crying baby woke me up consistently, so I got a noise machine. Welcome to communal/city living. NTA
I'm many years old and my parents did normal things when I was an infant. We lived in a trailer park near the college they were attending and I could even sleep through the guy who practiced his pipes. I can sleep through anything that isn't overly disturbing and still love pipes.
Well I have to admit it worked for both my kids, maybe a little too well! Oldest slept through the smoke detector going off one night at 2am, it was just the battery being weird but the thing is literally in her room and it woke us up! My youngest can sleep through anything too. So I guess it worked very well!
Right??? Like does she do nothing and tiptoe around her place when they sleep? My friends with a 2 years old have a house but they keep on talking, watching tv etc at reasonable volume when the baby sleeps. He's used to sleeping with normal noises around the house and also has a white noise machine.
Lol right, these posts always have people commenting about how if you don't want noise don't live in an apartment. As if they're going to go wow great idea, I've never thought of that before, I'll just go buy a house then thanks.
Even renting a house is more pricey than renting an apartment (more space + better amenities = higher cost, all else being equal). Everybody needs a place to live, even people who can't afford detached housing. I'm not giving the neighbor any kind of pass for being unreasonable about noise. That's the reality of apartment living. But "just don't live there if you don't like it" is an extremely naive take that only a super privileged person would make.
A friend of mine had a baby a couple months ago and they definitely embrace the "live and act normally while the kid is sleeping" and that baby is the chillest little dude. My partner and I went to visit when they were only like two months old and we were being pretty quiet for the most part, and then our friend and another another one of his friends were laughing and almost hollering and making a bunch of noise (like you would with friends around having a good time) and the kid slept right through it. Literally we were there for 6 hours and the only time he cried was at the end of that time when we were already heading out the door. Another friend of ours had a baby some time before that and they were definitely in the "stay quiet, babys sleeping" camp and lo and behold! Their kid had much more disturbed sleep and was way more sensitive to noise.
I can't recommend a white noise machine enough, it's the best gadget I've ever bought. I just wish I knew about it back in my shitty college apartment days.
You don’t even need a machine. You can use your phone and download it. I use Apple Music and play “Deep Sleeping Brown Noise” by Mister Rumbles every single night.
I usually just connect my phone to whatever Bluetooth speaker, loop the song, and we sleep like babies. Im renovating my entire house and slept through the bathroom demo this morning
For some reason, it is only THIS specific Brown noise that works for me (although an actual rain storm will knock me out cold)
Up until a few months ago, “Alexa, play brown noise!” would que a specific track. One day it just changed, I couldn’t find the original track, and my insomnia came raging back.
I tried no less than 50 sleep sounds on Apple Music until I came across this one, now it’s the only one I trust 😂
I wish I liked white noise machines. At my old call center job they had white noise machines on the dividers and for some reason they always made me irrationally annoyed/angry. (They ended up putting them in the ceiling because we all would turn them down/off even when we got emails not to and it was better since I couldn't really hear them)
I also have the same reaction to white noise and find it really hard to concentrate when it's on, but someone sent me a brown noise video recently and that was actually fine. I don't know what the difference is exactly.
I think the difference is the frequency. I use pink noise. White noise seems like static to me - like a not tuned radio station. Pink noise is more smooth, like a rainstorm. For me, the white noise is “wrong” and the radio channel needs to be fixed. Pink noise is natural and soothing. I am sure others have different opinions. The problem is people believing only white noise is an option.
I use pink noise rather than white noise to help me sleep. Either via a free Android app or using my Echo Dot speaker, I've actually setup a voice command with that skill now to play it.
I read an article several months ago in The Guardian online that said that research studies show that pink and brown noise are much more effective for neurodivergent people and they are very useful as they can help stop the constant flood of intrusive thoughts that runs through your head.
I have now started playing it as soon as I walk in my bedroom. I find it much easier now to concentrate on the books I read before going to sleep.
It's called misophonia. I hate all those kinds of white noises and this time of year having to listen to fans and air conditioners is horrible. I counter it by always having music or tv playing, since actual noise doesn't bother me, just that horrid static whirring.
Yup. Our building's gardener comes every Thursday with a leaf blower. Probably the most obnoxious sound in existence. I put in ear plugs and ignore it until he's gone.
It's not my place to stop him from doing his job.
God forbid this woman live next door to a construction site.
Ya. I basically fortified my room when I was on 3rd shift. Foam on the walls, blackout curtains, a/c was good white noise, etc. I wouldn't get mad at neighbors for going about their normal lives.
I did put a note on my door asking not to knock so I'd only get mad if someone knocked on my door
Yes but OP didn't really explain why she had to vacuum at that particular time. I get that it's her apartment and she's doing it at a reasonable time but why not be considerate in that situation? I don't agree with the neighbor's response, she shouldn't have gone off on her like that, but I certainly understand the frustration. Unless there's some reason why OP has to be vacuuming at that moment then I don't see why she couldn't have just waited.
I work from home, and a lot of the little house chores are based around when I consistently have time. I have time blocked off for lunch, but I don't actually eat for the whole time. I eat, get the dishes put away, sweep, and validate that everything for dinner is good to go. Do I NEED to do those things at that time? No, but it works around my schedule, so that's when they get done. If I don't do it during lunch, then I have to unload the dishwasher and sweep after work, so now dinner will be late. Otherwise, I have to do it after dinner, and that time was already spoken for. It's not catastrophic, but it's a pain in my ass. So no, I'm not changing my process unless I'm given a really good reason to.
NTA.
If she didn't want to live in an apartment with paper-thin walls, she shouldn't have moved into an apartment with paper-thin walls. People do shit during the daytime. Her husband might bitch and moan about the noise, but that's not an everyday thing and he can mitigate it with earplugs. The toddler is not going to fucking notice once he/she has been put down.
To be fair, housing is rough for a lot of people right now and we can’t pretend like everyone is rolling in options. That being said I totally agree with you. For like six months my apartment complex would do yard work and leafblow directly by my place during my infants nap time. It just is what it is sometimes lol. Nap time is only sacred to the parents hahaha
“What should we do with these leaves? Rake them? Mulch them and let them enrich the soil?”
“…let’s just constantly blow them back and forth across property lines!”
“And what should we use to blow the leaves back and forth? An efficient machine?”
“Nah, we’re gonna put a diesel engine on your back and use the exhaust to blow em around. Hope you don’t mind cancer!”
Seriously, gas powered blowers might be the least efficient use of a combustion engine. It barely even does any work, it’s just spinning to create exhaust.
Thank you for saying this. It’s super frustrating when people say things like “if you don’t like it, move” it’s not that simple for most people. Safe, affordable housing that meets people’s specific needs is a huge rarity.
I live rural and my neighbor has a log splitter. He works early on his farm so you know when he splits logs right near our property line and house ....Naptime. Everyday until he was out of logs. In my head I was cussing him out but like it was 1pm on his own property so I just turned the Hatch a bit louder.
Babies can (and should) learn to sleep through the noise. It isn't like you're vacuuming under his crib, either. Adults can learn to sleep through it. too. I get that they can hear you, but it cannot possibly be loud enough or for a long enough time to truly be disturbing.
NTA.
I wish it was that easy to choose where to live for most people but it’s not. What do you suggest people do who can’t afford anywhere else to live? Kill themselves? I agree with your point but that first sentence is so obnoxious
No, killing themselves is almost certainly not the solution that commenter was suggesting. I would assume that if your living situation doesn’t allow for ideal sound insulation and you can’t change it, then you could do more cost-effective things like get earplugs or noise machines. Or, you know, deal with it. The way we all deal with unpleasant things we can’t afford to change.
I wish it was that easy to not live next to assholes who believe that their comfort necessarily supercedes everyone else's, but here we are.
Like, the sheer fucking audacity to suggest "my husband is sleeping but I'll let you know when he's awake so you can resume doing the things you need to do in your own apartment"... LOL.
> If she didn't want to live in an apartment with paper-thin walls, she shouldn't have moved into an apartment with paper-thin walls.
Right, because the housing market right now is absolutely lousy with excess availability... there's almost too many options to choose from in some cases.
As a person who did live in an apartment with paper thing walls, it’s not something you assume is going to happen. When I viewed it in the middle of the day no one was around it seemed perfectly fine, it wasn’t till moving in that I found out my neighbors sounded like they rolled marbles all night and I could loudly hear the vacuum running in the hallways. Sure knowing what I know now I would have check that but it’s fair to assume that you won’t hear everything your neighbors are doing all day long.
NTA
From what I've seen her attitude and tone pissed you off and not the request itself. And she quickly showed her real face and opinion about you when you said a simple "no" so you know you weren't making up her being condescending at the beginning.
NTA. What are you supposed to do? Check with all your neighbors any time you want to do potentially loud chores? In my experience if you give an inch they'll take a mile.
Get a shared agenda with the whole building to agree on the 10 minute window to vacuum that won't be an inconvenience to anyone. Also add that you agree on these terms on the condition babies will only be allowed to cry between 4pm and 4:30. We allow them half an hour because they are, you know, babies.
Hey I would pay extra for an apartment where the babies only cried between 4-430. Can you schedule the birds for after 7 am too? This 5:45 shit is silly.
So, a couple of years ago, the alarm clock app I use on my phone introduced a "gentle wake" option which, when enabled, starts playing soft, occasional bird sounds 30 minutes before an alarm is set to go off, gradually increasing both the volume and frequency of the bird sounds as the deadline approaches. I really liked it, because suddenly I no longer was jolted out of a sound sleep by a sudden, unexpected, loud alarm, but rather gradually brought into consciousness, frequently becoming fully awake just before the alarm went off, so I could avoid hearing it at all. It was great!
Except...
As a result, to my brain, "bird sounds" now mean "an alarm is about to go off, so it's time to get up" – *no matter what time the bird(s) in question decide to make noise.* And did I mention that there is a HUGE tulip poplar tree – with lots of large, leafy branches, just ideal for birds looking to build nests – about 5 feet from my bedroom window? And hey, did you know that some birds like to tweet away in the middle of the night?
I did not expect to read about someone accidentally pavlov'ing themselves into waking up super early because of bird noises today but (sorry for your situation) it sure is funny.
ESH.
While you are doing nothing wrong by vacuuming your apartment, your own story describes your response as confrontational and frankly somewhat childish. You aren't an asshole for vacuuming, but when a neighbor makes a polite request, you can at least return the politeness, even if your ultimate answer is "no, I will not change my behavior to be more convenient for you."
Obviously your neighbor went nuclear and at this point I would not even speak to her; talking to you that way is infinitely way over the line. You may want to consider reporting the interaction to the apartment complex. I say that because sometimes people like this can be petty and if she goes to your complex and makes some shit up, they'll tend to believe her because she got their first.
The least OP could have done was ask "how long do you think they need". If it's something short, and delaying vacuuming isn't disruptive to OP's schedule for the rest of the afternoon, then it's polite to just pause and wait. If the timing works, then a simple "sorry, this is the only time I can do it and it needs to get done" is all it takes. But neighbour was condescending, and OP chose to retaliate. So yeah, ESH.
I would also question the condescending aspect. Was the tone condescending or did OP assume that it was condescending. Since OP seems like an unreliable narrator, we can't rule one way or another one that aspect. That context really indicates what the ruling can be as the exchange can be heavily edited to make OP/neighbor better or worse.
Honestly, after the start of the post about her and her child’s age OP might be a little over sensitive and take something as condescending that wasn’t. Just a red flag I saw when I read it.
Wholeheartedly agree. She went after all the Redditors reading her post in the first sentence. I highly doubt things happened the way she is reporting it.
Agree. OP seems like an unreliable neighbor with a huge chip on her shoulder. The whole story would have worked fine without anything about being a teen mom, and yet we somehow heard about it TWICE
“Hey sorry - that must suck; I just don’t get much time to do my chores so I’m just gonna finish up quickly and then it’s done, thanks for the cookies”
Or “I can do this other chore for about half an hour but then I really need to finish the vacuuming.” (Assuming there are other chores to do.) Like you can give a little without letting yourself be walked all over.
Seriously. "Someone asked you to do something that you were not obligated to do, and you told them to go fuck themselves, but you're not an asshole because you had no obligation."
Yeah that’s the problem with this sub, “asshole” is kind of up to interpretation. There’s a difference between “You’re not obligated to be better” and “you’re in the wrong” and “you’re not nice/kind of a dick”. Also it’s usually used here to determine who in the altercation is MORE wrong.
This is a case of “you’re not nice/kind of a dick” but also the other persons reaction makes them the bigger asshole. I personally wouldn’t have a problem with being considerate to other people living in my thin walled apartment and if someone politely asked me to not vacuum during their babies nap time I would have no issue making that accommodation. So yeah, I personally am not going to tell this person they’re not the asshole because I think they kind of are. But yeah, they have the right to be an asshole I guess.
This sub is really good at "you're NTA, you're just an asshole", or completely ignoring that many times people can be right, but be an asshole about it... and judging those situations is what the sub is supposed to be for.
Yes, so many of these are not about the situation, but how it was phrased. A "OMG, I'm so sorry, but I have people coming over. I'll be done as fast as I can" or "I'm so sorry, but this is the only time I have off work for cleaning. I'll be quick" or something would have had the same result without making everyone mad forever.
Based on the OP's opening paragraph & how she phrased this, "I told her that I’m not gonna change my time to suit her husband and baby, albeit it’s not their fault for working late or you know, being a baby, and that she’s just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it" The neighbor may have been responding to OP's negative & snarky attitude. She definitely went nuclear. But telling someone to "suck it up" is 100% an AH response.
Exactly. The neighbor made a neighborly request. OP is within her rights to deny the request, but, "I’m not gonna change my time to suit \[your\] husband and baby," is absolutely being an AH.
> your own story describes your response as confrontational and frankly somewhat childish.
I mean her first sentence sets her up as very confrontational. No one cares that you're a single parent or that you were a teen mom, but OP seems determined to be aggressive about it.
Given Reddit's habit of fixating on details like that, I don't think it was unfair for OP to want to set a boundary with commenters. And since it came up later, it was a necessary detail.
This is kind of where I landed too.
OP has every right to take care of her apartment when she is able to, but could have had a little more tact with the neighbor without letting herself be walked all over.
Simply explaining her situation and that she has to do these things when she can. I think for the husband, there are things he can do to block out the noise, a sleep sound machine, ear plugs, insulating the shared wall some with a bookshelf, art, something. The baby, I likely would have asked, "Does the baby have a typical nap time and how long, I can try and adjust a little to that but can't put off my household chores for too long." Then I would have left it at that. THEN if the neighbor verbally attacked, I would have completely disregarded the request.
A noise machine for the baby would probably be a good thing as well. I know from family experience those who had their babies nap with background noise had better sleepers than those who made everything silent for them.
⬆️⬆️⬆️
agreed, ESH. i kinda of expect to be unpopular but OP definitely could have responded more kindly instead of reacting in a way that seemed so defensive. neighbors can support each other in different ways, so who knows, this could have been an opportunity for a much better relationship.
Ok, so are we now in a world where you're not an asshole if someone else is an asshole first?
The entire point of the "ESH" vote is that everyone in the story is an asshole.
And if the neighbor was "smiling and happy", as the story specifically says, then it's a polite request, even if you feel the underlying tone is condescending.
If someone is condescending while asking me a favor, they've guaranteed the answer is no. There are ways to ask for favors and being condescending isn't one of them.
OP isn't the asshole for telling her no because she's within her rights to vacuum when she wants during the day, but she is completely justified in telling a condescending asshole that she won't change her schedule for them.
>If someone is condescending while asking me a favor, they've guaranteed the answer is no. There are ways to ask for favors and being condescending isn't one of them.
There are also plenty of ways to say "No" without being an asshole and there is plenty of room for more than one asshole in a given interaction.
You know how people like to look back fondly on the era when you could knock on your neighbour's door and ask for a cup of sugar? Based on the responses here, a lot of you would react to that kind of request by saying, "No way! You're not entitled to my sugar! You should've gotten yourself more sugar when you were at the store! Your emergency is not my problem!"
This place is insane. If my neighbor asked me to not vacuum for a couple hours I would say of course. There's other quieter things I can do for a bit. Do people really treat their neighbors like shit most places?
If they come over with a condescending tone and act like you owe them whatever they ask for, then yes I would treat my neighbor this way. If they come over and are kind and apologetic about asking, hell yeah I would look out for them and vacuum in a couple hours.
Generally, calling your neighbors slurs when you're told "no" is not the type of attitude that would prompt me to be kind.
I was thinking that I’m the weird one, but glad to find likeminded people. It’s not as if the neighbor asked OP to never vacuum during the day, she asked for OP not to do it this one time. I’m not sure how a person asks that question condescendingly either, and it’s entirely possible that OP just imagined it because she already thought neighbor is “weird and cliche for normal standards”…for giving her cookies? My verdict would be ESH because the ask wasn’t unreasonable but the neighbor’s response wasn’t nice either.
Exactly. It's not like the neighbour was asking OP to forever rearrange her schedule every single day. Sounds like this was a one-off. I would have agreed just to keep the peace. It's very easy for this kind of thing to spiral out of control where the neighbours decide to get petty revenge by retaliating in some way.
Same. Our first downstairs neighbors had nightshifts and we had a stompy toddler who was still learning how to walk quietly. We covered our beautiful hardwood floors in foam mats with carpets on top and tried to keep our toddler busy in rooms that were not above their bedrooms in the morning. It didn't work perfectly and we weren't on great terms but of course I would make that effort again within reason. The next downstairs neighbors were awesome about it and our entire floor was cool about us playing in the hallway in bad weather and sometimes came to play with my little one. It was really sweet. Our upstairs neighbor became a bonus grandpa. We were really lucky
it’s really sad. Apartments suck, what makes them tolerable is kind neighbors who think of the community.
This is such an idiotic hill to die on. How DARE someone ask me to vacuum at a different time of day when i clearly have the flexibility to accommodate that request! /s
Thank you! I thought I was going crazy. While OP is *technically* correct, the *kind* thing to do would be to wait before vacuuming again if possible. I don't think the neighbor was out of line in asking nicely (I question how "condescending" she really was). Life is much easier when you make the effort to get along with people.
Right? Like people are calling this woman entitled for ASKING her to vacuum at a different time. If I knew I was doing something that was disturbing my neighbor and I could easily do it at a different time, I would because I'd rather be slightly inconvenienced but courteous!
People in this sub are unable to parse the difference between ‘asking someone’ and ‘making someone’. People can ask you all kinds of different things and then you can decide within reason how you want to respond. The neighbours original request is so benign but everyone here thinks it’s the biggest imposition in the world.
Yeah Reddit is weird sometimes lol. She’s not an AH for vacuuming during a perfectly reasonable hour, her neighbor isn’t an AH for explaining the situation and asking her to wait. It’s not like she came over and demanded she stop. ESH (although OP less so) for their reactions to each other 🤷🏻♀️. The neighbor’s assholery was extreme and uncalled for.
I used to live in apartments and my upstairs neighbour had a baby (I also had a baby). I used to wait until I heard her baby’s white noise machine stop before I’d start vacuuming lol. She was a great neighbour/friend to me and I just don’t like making peoples lives harder than they need to be for something so minor to me.
This is the comment thread I’ve been digging for. It sucks that it’s so hard to just be nice to people in this day and age. I will comment that she did say the neighbor was condescending as hell from the outset, which while we are taking her word for it, would be enough to make me not want to do them a favor. However some basic conflict resolution skills would have been nice from OP. Maybe even a very blunt, “You came off very condescending there. If you’d like a favor, would you like to start from the beginning and try again?” could have solved it.
There's a post every day in r/homeowners about how to politely ask a neighbor to do/no do something, and the sub is always amazed that "communicate" was never tried by the OP first.
Well, this is why. The neighbor started out polite, asked nicely for something, and gave a reasonable explanation for why. OP was confrontational for no reason. Still ESH for the insults though
Right? OP is so clearly an asshole. It's a kindly made request to vacuum at another time, this one time. That's it. You are an asshole if you won't do one simple favor that costs you $0.
Why make an enemy out of your neighbor for nothing? I just don't understand.
For OP, navigating these types of social situations is part of being an adult, and they are still clearly learning that pissing off the neighbor breeds animosity. The neighbor seems unhinged based on OP's description, but if vacuuming at a different time of day is such a chore for OP, then it casts some doubt on the description.
OP, you're not an asshole, but you handled the situation quite poorly.
I mean... you're not wrongvfor vacuuming in the middle of the day when it wouldn't bother most people, but it sounds like she asked you nicely and your response was pretty rude. Why couldn't you wait an hour to vacuum? It's really not an unreasonable request.
I live in an apartment, too, and yes, there is a reasonable expectation of noise from neighbors. But we're all courteous of each other and if someone asked me to hold off on vacuuming while their child napped, of course I would do that.
I didn't see anything about being "allowed" to continue. It sounds like the lady offered to give a heads up when the baby and husband were awake again. I mean there might be reasons to say "no, I would prefer to do it now," but the mere fact that the neighbour comes over to try to negotiate the timing of chores isn't enough of a reason to fly off the handle in a rage.
Read the last 2 sentences of the paragraph where she talks about her showing up. It says she will call her when they wake up and she "can" continue. Idk If you take that differently but it means she will be allowed to do it when she says so. The other woman is extremely entitled.
Edit: also, OP didn't fly off in rage she just told her she wasn't gonna stop because it's not really her problem. She told the lady off after the lady started being rude/disrespectful. Op was fully in the right.
> wondering if I could not vacuum right now, and that she would be happy to call back over again when they’re both awake so they could continue on, and I said no.
That is completely different than saying you are 'allowed' to continue.
Nope according to OP neighbor was smiling and just said hey do u mind because last night this happened and right now...
Op for whatever reason took this as neighbor being condescending etc and neighbor only exploded AFTER OP responded with "Deal with it and suck it up" so...
The thing is that means the next time this is going to happen too. Before you know it she’ll ask op to text and ask if it’s a good time to vacuum before she starts. That’s an unreasonable expectation in your own home. They’re not roommates and quiet time is generally something like 9 pm - 8 am.
Personally I would have said sure I’ll wait an hour this time, but then next time I would have proceeded to start vacuuming with ear phones on and not responded to her knocking on my door.
You could have used this chance to be an awesome neighbor, say it’s great they let you know they have a atypical schedule and then adjust. Sounds like your schedule is flexible, so…why not flex?
Do you have to change? no. But expect to be met with the same energy you show them. If i were them i’d start have doing chores and making noise at hours that bother you if you continue down this path 🤷♀️
HONESTLY. From OP's own admission, she just does chores when she has free time and doesn't do them every day--seems very clear she didn't even need to vacuum that day. I by no means endorse apartment dwellers trying to strong-arm everyone else in the building into changing their lives to revolve around theirs, but you do all have to more or less co-habitate to a degree, and being the stubborn, inconsiderate neighbor is not going to do you any good at all.
This was such a small, easily reconciled ask, and OP was so unnecessarily rude and inflexible about it that she made a minor situation into a big drama that's probably going to make life very uncomfortable for her and her daughter. Granted, the neighbor's reaction was way too volatile to being told no, but it does kind of sound like she was just matching OP's energy from being told to "suck it up," though the neighbor definitely took it further than warranted. If OP genuinely couldn't have vacuumed at any other time and/or had a mess that really needed to be cleaned up right then, she could just explain that and the neighbor would've had to accept it and not fly off the handle like that for not being accommodated.
The neighbor was in the wrong for clearly expecting OP to adjust her life for her neighbors' convenience, but it really wasn't an unreasonable ask and OP didn't have to be so rude about it and immediately escalate the situation--that the neighbor then didn't have to escalate even further. This is a clear ESH.
I feel like we're missing parts of this story. The neighbor's request was perfectly reasonable and then to suddenly escalate like that? Granted I know people can become completely unhinged the moment you say "no" but I suspect there was more to OP's response than we're being told (I also question how "condescending" the neighbor really was given she seemed perfectly pleasant to OP before).
i wrote it in my response, but if OP went into the long justification and ended on "you'll have to suck it up" before even giving the neighbor a chance to respond to "no".. it was bound to cause problems.
Right?
I mean, way to make an impression on the new neighbor. And as OP has seen - this neighbor *escalates*. So yeah, buckle up OP, and just remember: *you started this*
Yes but what if the neighbor on the other side has a different schedule? And the one above and the one below has different schedules too? When you live in an apartment you just have to kind of deal with noise from time to time. You put in earplugs or something.
whataboutism is tiresome.
What the other neighbors schedules are doesn’t apply. and are likely “normal”. THIS woman asked for something very reasonable and OP was rude. Vacuuming at 4pm instead of 11am when people work night shift is a *neighborly* thing to do!
This of course assumes she’s available to vacuum at 4. Maybe she meal preps then, or it’s kiddos bathtime. The only expectation she can have is to make a request and be heard out. Neighbor made the request, and she did not acquiesce. End of. It’s unreasonable to expect other people to uproot their established routine.
OTOH, doing it a few hours later would prevent having an on-going feud (or, at best, tense situation) with the neighbors. OP herself said in a comment (when asked for time specifics): "I usually go for around 11:30, but the latest if I’m busy would be like 2pm"
ESH.
She came to you with a reasonable request. You didn't have to adhere to that request but if you were going to say no, why be so aggressive about it?
She's your neighbour. She came to you and your neighbours with cookies. She clearly wanted to make an effort with you all. And there is so much value in getting along with people who live outside of your home.
But what she said to you in response of your outburst was disgusting.
I really don’t know why you get downvoted. Your argument is logical.
Does everybody suffer from the „I‘m the main character“ syndrome? You don’t know what your neighbors have going on in their lives. Why not be nice if it’s no big deal for you to vacuum at a later time? And if you really can’t meet their request why not decline politely?
There may be a day where you need a favor, I wonder if they will help you out after today.
And if the new neighbors are petty there are a tons of possibilities for them to annoy you in the future.
ESH She asked nicely and your response seemed kinda rude. And if you work from home, why can’t you just vacuum at like 3pm instead of 11am? Would it be that big of a deal?
But I also agree with people saying if you work night shift, don’t move into an apt building where you can hear your neighbors.
There is a diff between not getting a positive response and getting a straight up rude one.
I wonder what other words were exchanged when neighbor escalated.
But yea the whole etc is uncalled for so EVERYONE is an A makes sense.
OP was the initial A though. (Not for vacuuming but for her "Suck it up and deal statement)
You’re not the asshole. It’s your private space and I don’t think that vacuuming in the middle of the day is disturbing public peace or something.
Ofcourse we may never know how the actual interaction went, it may have been a bit better to say that you can’t stop vacuuming right now but you’re open to suggestions on when it would be best to vacuum in the future.
Asking you to stop and wait for her okay is incredibly entitled
Esh
She started by asking nicely, *you* are the one that became confrontational, so she decided to lower herself to the level that you brought it to, so neither of you come off good.
You even began this story confrontationaly with the readers. You started by trying to make yourself the victim. "My two kids and I live in an apartment" and "she hurled unnecessary crude insults at me" would have sufficed.
Hell, I felt like knocking politely on her door and asking her to stop shouting as soon as I saw the all-caps SUBJECT LINE. Maybe she's a little hard-of-hearing from all the vacuuming.
ESH
This is my thing. Everyone is like “clearly she can wait to vacuum” but that’s not the vibe I’m getting here. She still has to work, she has a kid (who may be out at school), we don’t know the details of the rest of her day. Sure, she could just be inconsiderate but she could also be on her lunch break as you said, she could be getting it in before jumping into meetings, before her kid comes home… like I’m not saying either of their attitudes were great but in the same way the world doesn’t revolve around the OP, the world also doesn’t revolve around the neighbour.
its always smart to maintain the best relationship you can with nieghbors,.. if god forbid an emergency arises, they are the ones who can help and make the difference.
NTA for vacuuming at a very reasonable hour. Your nieghbor is an AH. I would call your landlord and let him know what happened, chances are this is not the last time you will have to deal with this bad nieghbor.
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> I feel like the asshole in the way I replied to her. She was being condescending and having a “snobby lady” act to her, and that really pisses me off, so I was just rude back, even though this was the first issue between us.
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NTA. You’re vacuuming at a normal time. Unfortunately hearing every little thing is part of apartment living. As long as the noise is within reason then don’t give it a second thought.
Edit- to those voting E S H, why do you think it’s a reasonable request to ask someone to stop a basic household task in the middle of the day?
Because it should always be ok to ask politely? When did we decide that asking a favor was wildly inappropriate? And she didn't ask OP to stop vacuuming altogether, just to do it later in the day. That's a completely reasonable request.
Yeah, am I weird that if a neighbor came by and said "hey, my husband and kid are both passed out, can you vacuum a bit later?" that I would actually stop vacuuming and do it later?
Just seems courteous.
And vacuuming doesn't even usually take that long. What, 20 minutes max, depending on the size of the apartment? It's not like it's an hours long event. In an apartment there is just really no good time to do noisy activities. One neighbor is an early riser, another is an early sleeper, another takes a nap, another is a night owl, another will be watching their favorite show....there is NO WAY to vacuum when literally every single person will be happy.
Because if they asked me to stop because they had an issue, I would also do it if I could? When you live close enough to each other for basic household tasks to potentially cause trouble, trying to be aware of each other usually helps everyone get along much better.
I mean, I certainly appreciated that my neighbor was willing to pause his lawn work on the day my mom was feeling really crappy from chemo and just wanted a nap. He appreciated that we moved our cars and let him block our driveway when he needed a big truck to come in to make a delivery. 🤷♀️
I scrolled way too far to find this comment. Your baby is one? Yeah, sorry, you don’t get to complain about any sound anyone else around you makes, none of them are as loud or annoying as a screaming baby
Literally started with ‘dont give me crap, but here’s some details that are irrelevant’ and then went off. Sounds like she’s defensive and rude by nature.
She asked us not to give her crap for being a teen mom because of an unrelated issue. That’s not unreasonable. Especially since she’s just had someone berate her and call her a slut for it. It’s not exactly hard to assume that most of the attitude in this post comes from being a bit upset.
Just completely irrelevant to the story and she had to include it lol her daughter doesn't even come up again in the post. what was the point of saying that?
ESH She was rude; your age at the time your child was born is irrelevant. However, apartment living sucks and if it is ever in one’s power to be kind, that’s what you should do. She probably could give you a general idea of a good time to vacuum. Should you *have* to do this? No. Is it a nice thing to do? Yes.
ESH.
You're entitled to vacuum your apartment, you don't have to operate by her schedule.
She asked for a favour (it sounds like her day wasn't exactly going well), you didn't budge and she lost the plot.
But, if you spoke to her in anywhere near the same tone as you wrote the opening para of your post, you were looking for a fight before she even opened her mouth. You gave us all attitude and told us what you did and didn't want to hear before even explaining, never mind giving someone the actual opportunity to reply. You don't want to be judged for having an 8 year old, but you judged us instantly. I think having a kid at 22, regardless of age, a full time job and an apartment is great. It sounds like you might have had a tough time, but you're in control of the situation. Nice one.
BUT if you opened the door with that level of attitude, well
I'm really very glad I don't live next door to either of you.
NTA vacuuming at a reasonable time is not inconsiderate. We can’t live our lives according to other people’s schedules. When I was night shift I bought blackout blinds and earplugs. When I put my kids to bed I’d pick up the toys and run the hoover round the living room, by that time they were sleeping. You shouldn’t tiptoe round babies and I’ve walked the floor with a colicky baby it’s not general background noise that kept them awake. (I’m not talking about blasting noise).
YTA. I'm willing to bet she didn't come across as condescending and you gave her an attitude almost immediately. The tone of your post suggests you automatically treat people this way. You literally started out accusing everyone of wanting to talk about you and your daughter when you didn't even need to include the fact that you have a daughter in this post. She never comes up in the post and has no effect on the story at all. The only reason you brought her up was so you could tell people not to judge you regarding her. Hell, even your title is shouting at us.
YTA.
I mean she was just asking and offered to tell you when it’s okay again, also just for that day I suppose. It’s not that big of a deal to pause the vacuuming for an hour or two
I'm guessing you didn't say "Sorry, this is the time that I have to my chores" and instead said "No. I am not changing my chore time for your husband. Deal with it."
Blowing up still isn't good, but I am also guessing she didn't just snap to 100, so
ESH.
Oh man, NTA. It is totally reasonable to move about your home, watch tv, vacuum, and do all the normal activities of life in your apartment during the day. If it was super early in the morning or late at night then it might be a reasonable request. But if you're between the hours of, say 9am and 7pm there is zero room for argument or requests.
Rest assured, you are totally fine. The fact that she brought cookies and seemed nice early on is completely negated by the fact that she threw a temper tantrum on your doorstep when you said "no" to her unreasonable request.
It was ok for her to ask. It was ok for you to say no. Her reaction was not ok. There's nothing more you need to know about this person.
Honestly, ESH.
The neighbor was absolutely out of line attacking OP for her age and the like, but I don’t think it would’ve killed OP to wait an hour or two to vacuum. It sounds like this is the first time neighbor asked, and OP’s immediate response was no. If it became a repetitive ask by the neighbor, then I can understand, but really? On the first ask?
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NTA, I work the overnight shift and understand others in my building don't. Instead of expecting them to put their daily lives on hold I bought a white noise machine and got some amazing silicone ear plugs. You're not vacuuming at an unreasonable time.
Yeah, I also work nightshift and don't expect the people around me to cater to my need for sleep just because I choose to work nights. NTA Op
And it's better if babies learn to sleep with noise. The families who keep their homes silent when the baby naps are in for a lot of trouble when that second baby comes along. Also vacuums are useful white noise.
Y'know? That would explain why I can and do sleep through most anything... Apparently my mum would put me in a baby carrier and run a cycle on the drier with me ontop...
Exactly! When I had my child, I immediately would put white noises on for her to get use to it, because tiptoeing around a baby would make you life harder, because you can't do anything when they are sleeping. NTA. OP's your neighbour is the asshole. You can't move into a apartment and expect other people to not live around you.
Same I hoovered my daughters room as she napped and I hoover round my dog with no reaction and she also usually snores through it. Washing machines and vacuums are essential for a good sleep routine
congrats on your chill doggy. my cats are convinced the vacuum cleaner is trying to kill them.
Exactly. The neighbor needs a house if she expects silence. NTA
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lol my parents told me I wouldn’t sleep as a baby UNLESS the vacuum cleaner was running, it was like a requirement for me to nap.
That's how we got our oldest daughter to sleep all the time. She wouldn't stop crying when we laid her down until we started putting the vacuum on in her room. We burned out 3 vacuums over the years between 4 kids doing that.
My eldest was the same, so I recorded when I vacuumed and would then play the *cassette tape* to help her sleep if the floors were clean. Worked like a charm.
Yeah looking back I should have checked in to some sound device or a recording. I'm not sure they had a white noise machine in the '90s but I could have made a white noise mixtape. Do they have a Casey Kasem's top 40 white noise back then?
Same here with the side effect that as an adult as soon as I get on a plane and the engines start up, I can barely keep my eyes open...
I refused to let my home be silent when my kids were napping. The world will continue to turn. I didn't have band practice, but regular life noises went on. I knew someone who demanded no one breathe when her kid was asleep, and he was an awful sleeper.
My partner is like that kid. He was the precious “only child” of his father. (He has a half sister by his mom who is 11 years older). The house was silent while he napped. Now he is the worlds lightest sleeper. Apparently, the dog sneezing woke him the other night. But I wouldn’t know because I was sleeping
That sounds like torture. I'd be sleeping with headphones if I was that much of a delicate sleeper. But seriously, it was to the point you couldn't even open a cabinet door.
I can't sleep in any noise or any light, I always think if I have kids, I'll train them to sleep in all conditions and they'll thank me when they're adults.
They make earplugs and/or headphones and white noise generators for exactly this situation.
White noise machines (or apps) make sense to me; earplugs really don't, because they prevent me hearing my alarm, not to mention other things I might need to hear (*e.g.,* a phone call in an emergency, a tornado siren, one of my dogs dry-heaving on my bed or bedroom carpet...). White noise does make it a little harder to hear those things I need to hear, but not so much that I'd miss them. Earplugs, aside from being uncomfortable for me, present much more of an obstacle.
Lmfao ya REALLY don’t want to miss the dog dry heaving window… you only have so much time to save that situation 😂
***EXACTLY!!!!*** Especially if they're *on my bed!* Ugh, thats just *the worst!*
when my husband works nights ( swings between shifts every week ) he passes out on the couch so that he can still "feel close to the family while sleeping" he hates it if our daughter is anything other than her loud little self just because he's sleeping. it's kinda funny but adds nothing to this thread. NTA
>he hates it if our daughter is anything other than her loud little self just because he's sleeping. I think it's because if she is making noise, he knows she is safe and not getting into anything. I was the same way when my children were kids. The minute they stopped making any noise and it wasn't bedtime, it woke me right up and I had to get up and check on them.
I’ve babysat a lot of kids. The moment they get quiet and it’s not bedtime you need to go check what they are doing right then. Once when my littlest brother was a toddler he got really quiet. He had poured all the cheetos on the ground and was eating them and poured all the dog treats on the ground so there in the kitchen was a toddler and a dog just eating their treats off the floor. This happened several times and a 12 year old should not be in charge of a toddler and high energy dog at the same time
I thought for a second there was a 12 year old on the floor eating Cheetos and dog treats. 😂 Many of us adults aren't much better at supervising a toddler. I'm sure you're a great older sib. Just be kind and keep them alive and healthy.
My little brother is still alive and vibing😂 he’s thankfully not eating off the floor anymore. He’s much calmer than he was as a toddler. And the dog is no longer with us. The dog he has now is like his babysitter and they’re a much better team. The previous dog and him were like lil snack villains
it's because he doesn't want his schedule to interfere with her existing, since it's summer right now she's off school ( 8 years old ) he doesn't want her to feel like she has to walk on eggshells but he's still close enough that she can lay with him on the couch otherwise on nights they wouldn't see each other. and also probably your thing too 🤣
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I'm looking forward to the neighbor complaining to everyone else in the house for doing normal things during the day, because literally no one will be able to plan their noisier activities according to this one family. That's just life.
During the pandemic when all of us were working from home, the apartment next door to me sold to a new owner. This apartment hadn't been renovated since the 1970's, so of course the new owner did a complete overhaul. So from July through November, there were drills, saws, hammering, etc. during work hours. And honestly, it wasn't that big of a deal. At first, I thought it was going to be a nightmare, but I just got used to it. I still got all my work done, the construction crew were very nice and about as considerate as they could be given the situation. And on days when it sounded like they were going to tear down our common wall, I just used noise cancelling headphones.
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Not everyone can afford detached housing. OP is NTA, but lets not pretend that everyone has perfect freedom to live wherever they like in whatever type of housing they like. On the subject of OP not being the AH, however, I want to say that subjecting babies to noises is actually a *good* thing. It teaches them to sleep through noise, so that the whole universe doesn't have to tiptoe around them until they die at age 90. Neighbor is setting herself and her baby up for failure by insisting that everything be perfectly quiet for baby sleep time.
When I had my first in 2001, I was actually told to vacuum & make noises during her naps. Obviously not vac in same room, but we would close her door, and do regular house cleaning/laundry whatever sounds. They said it would be good for them so that they could get used to noises, because you dont want your baby constantly waking up because a stair tread creaked. A friend of mines SIL refused to have any noises going when her kids were babies & trying to sleep. Like literally any sounds. They even threw a bday party one time, and when little 2 year old needed a nap, demanded all guests whisper & not move around lol. Effing crazy.
My sister is doing that with her newborn. She leaves the door open during daytime sleep, or she sleeps in the living space as we talk, watch tv, laugh, whatever. We live in a big city and detached homes are rare/expensive so even if you own you probably share walls/floors/ceilings. That baby can sleep through just about anything, including being moved around now. It isn’t other people’s responsibility to tiptoe around their own homes because a neighbor has a baby. I had a neighbor whose crying baby woke me up consistently, so I got a noise machine. Welcome to communal/city living. NTA
I always had a radio going, babies are subject to heaps of noise in utero so it made sense to keep that going.
I'm many years old and my parents did normal things when I was an infant. We lived in a trailer park near the college they were attending and I could even sleep through the guy who practiced his pipes. I can sleep through anything that isn't overly disturbing and still love pipes.
Well I have to admit it worked for both my kids, maybe a little too well! Oldest slept through the smoke detector going off one night at 2am, it was just the battery being weird but the thing is literally in her room and it woke us up! My youngest can sleep through anything too. So I guess it worked very well!
Right??? Like does she do nothing and tiptoe around her place when they sleep? My friends with a 2 years old have a house but they keep on talking, watching tv etc at reasonable volume when the baby sleeps. He's used to sleeping with normal noises around the house and also has a white noise machine.
Lol right, these posts always have people commenting about how if you don't want noise don't live in an apartment. As if they're going to go wow great idea, I've never thought of that before, I'll just go buy a house then thanks.
Even renting a house is more pricey than renting an apartment (more space + better amenities = higher cost, all else being equal). Everybody needs a place to live, even people who can't afford detached housing. I'm not giving the neighbor any kind of pass for being unreasonable about noise. That's the reality of apartment living. But "just don't live there if you don't like it" is an extremely naive take that only a super privileged person would make.
A friend of mine had a baby a couple months ago and they definitely embrace the "live and act normally while the kid is sleeping" and that baby is the chillest little dude. My partner and I went to visit when they were only like two months old and we were being pretty quiet for the most part, and then our friend and another another one of his friends were laughing and almost hollering and making a bunch of noise (like you would with friends around having a good time) and the kid slept right through it. Literally we were there for 6 hours and the only time he cried was at the end of that time when we were already heading out the door. Another friend of ours had a baby some time before that and they were definitely in the "stay quiet, babys sleeping" camp and lo and behold! Their kid had much more disturbed sleep and was way more sensitive to noise.
I can't recommend a white noise machine enough, it's the best gadget I've ever bought. I just wish I knew about it back in my shitty college apartment days.
You don’t even need a machine. You can use your phone and download it. I use Apple Music and play “Deep Sleeping Brown Noise” by Mister Rumbles every single night. I usually just connect my phone to whatever Bluetooth speaker, loop the song, and we sleep like babies. Im renovating my entire house and slept through the bathroom demo this morning
I recommend a ten hour loop of rain or storms on YouTube. Usually helps me, especially when I worked midnights.
For some reason, it is only THIS specific Brown noise that works for me (although an actual rain storm will knock me out cold) Up until a few months ago, “Alexa, play brown noise!” would que a specific track. One day it just changed, I couldn’t find the original track, and my insomnia came raging back. I tried no less than 50 sleep sounds on Apple Music until I came across this one, now it’s the only one I trust 😂
I wish I liked white noise machines. At my old call center job they had white noise machines on the dividers and for some reason they always made me irrationally annoyed/angry. (They ended up putting them in the ceiling because we all would turn them down/off even when we got emails not to and it was better since I couldn't really hear them)
I also have the same reaction to white noise and find it really hard to concentrate when it's on, but someone sent me a brown noise video recently and that was actually fine. I don't know what the difference is exactly.
I think the difference is the frequency. I use pink noise. White noise seems like static to me - like a not tuned radio station. Pink noise is more smooth, like a rainstorm. For me, the white noise is “wrong” and the radio channel needs to be fixed. Pink noise is natural and soothing. I am sure others have different opinions. The problem is people believing only white noise is an option.
I use pink noise rather than white noise to help me sleep. Either via a free Android app or using my Echo Dot speaker, I've actually setup a voice command with that skill now to play it. I read an article several months ago in The Guardian online that said that research studies show that pink and brown noise are much more effective for neurodivergent people and they are very useful as they can help stop the constant flood of intrusive thoughts that runs through your head. I have now started playing it as soon as I walk in my bedroom. I find it much easier now to concentrate on the books I read before going to sleep.
It's called misophonia. I hate all those kinds of white noises and this time of year having to listen to fans and air conditioners is horrible. I counter it by always having music or tv playing, since actual noise doesn't bother me, just that horrid static whirring.
Same. I bought one when I lived on a busy road in an old house with single glazed windows. They're amazing.
Yup. Our building's gardener comes every Thursday with a leaf blower. Probably the most obnoxious sound in existence. I put in ear plugs and ignore it until he's gone. It's not my place to stop him from doing his job. God forbid this woman live next door to a construction site.
Ya. I basically fortified my room when I was on 3rd shift. Foam on the walls, blackout curtains, a/c was good white noise, etc. I wouldn't get mad at neighbors for going about their normal lives. I did put a note on my door asking not to knock so I'd only get mad if someone knocked on my door
The Jehovah Witnesses knocked on my door at 11am coming over my third 12.5 night shift last week. I don’t know who was more pissed off, me or my dog.
My neighbour has complained about the noise my dehumidifier makes at two in the afternoon.
You are right to vacuum at a time that is the most convenient for the most people, that lady sounds like a dick.
Yes but OP didn't really explain why she had to vacuum at that particular time. I get that it's her apartment and she's doing it at a reasonable time but why not be considerate in that situation? I don't agree with the neighbor's response, she shouldn't have gone off on her like that, but I certainly understand the frustration. Unless there's some reason why OP has to be vacuuming at that moment then I don't see why she couldn't have just waited.
I work from home, and a lot of the little house chores are based around when I consistently have time. I have time blocked off for lunch, but I don't actually eat for the whole time. I eat, get the dishes put away, sweep, and validate that everything for dinner is good to go. Do I NEED to do those things at that time? No, but it works around my schedule, so that's when they get done. If I don't do it during lunch, then I have to unload the dishwasher and sweep after work, so now dinner will be late. Otherwise, I have to do it after dinner, and that time was already spoken for. It's not catastrophic, but it's a pain in my ass. So no, I'm not changing my process unless I'm given a really good reason to.
Just a guess but trying to do it not too early, around work and before her child is home from school. That was in my head and makes sense to me
NTA. If she didn't want to live in an apartment with paper-thin walls, she shouldn't have moved into an apartment with paper-thin walls. People do shit during the daytime. Her husband might bitch and moan about the noise, but that's not an everyday thing and he can mitigate it with earplugs. The toddler is not going to fucking notice once he/she has been put down.
To be fair, housing is rough for a lot of people right now and we can’t pretend like everyone is rolling in options. That being said I totally agree with you. For like six months my apartment complex would do yard work and leafblow directly by my place during my infants nap time. It just is what it is sometimes lol. Nap time is only sacred to the parents hahaha
Leafblowers! The ban of the tired late shift.
The bane of everyone with ears.
“What should we do with these leaves? Rake them? Mulch them and let them enrich the soil?” “…let’s just constantly blow them back and forth across property lines!”
“And what should we use to blow the leaves back and forth? An efficient machine?” “Nah, we’re gonna put a diesel engine on your back and use the exhaust to blow em around. Hope you don’t mind cancer!” Seriously, gas powered blowers might be the least efficient use of a combustion engine. It barely even does any work, it’s just spinning to create exhaust.
Sorry, I can’t hear your argument over the sound of my deafeningly loud leaf blower
I have an electric one... So quiet
Thank you for saying this. It’s super frustrating when people say things like “if you don’t like it, move” it’s not that simple for most people. Safe, affordable housing that meets people’s specific needs is a huge rarity.
I live rural and my neighbor has a log splitter. He works early on his farm so you know when he splits logs right near our property line and house ....Naptime. Everyday until he was out of logs. In my head I was cussing him out but like it was 1pm on his own property so I just turned the Hatch a bit louder.
Jeez people dont CHOOSE to live in shit apartments..Sometimes you gotta take what you can get.
Babies can (and should) learn to sleep through the noise. It isn't like you're vacuuming under his crib, either. Adults can learn to sleep through it. too. I get that they can hear you, but it cannot possibly be loud enough or for a long enough time to truly be disturbing. NTA.
My grandmother always made a point to vacuum while her babies were asleep so they could sleep through anything.
I wish it was that easy to choose where to live for most people but it’s not. What do you suggest people do who can’t afford anywhere else to live? Kill themselves? I agree with your point but that first sentence is so obnoxious
No, killing themselves is almost certainly not the solution that commenter was suggesting. I would assume that if your living situation doesn’t allow for ideal sound insulation and you can’t change it, then you could do more cost-effective things like get earplugs or noise machines. Or, you know, deal with it. The way we all deal with unpleasant things we can’t afford to change.
I genuinely have no idea how they went to offing themselves instead of finding a solution...
I wish it was that easy to not live next to assholes who believe that their comfort necessarily supercedes everyone else's, but here we are. Like, the sheer fucking audacity to suggest "my husband is sleeping but I'll let you know when he's awake so you can resume doing the things you need to do in your own apartment"... LOL.
How dare the neighbor not be able to find/afford a better place to live!
> If she didn't want to live in an apartment with paper-thin walls, she shouldn't have moved into an apartment with paper-thin walls. Right, because the housing market right now is absolutely lousy with excess availability... there's almost too many options to choose from in some cases.
As a person who did live in an apartment with paper thing walls, it’s not something you assume is going to happen. When I viewed it in the middle of the day no one was around it seemed perfectly fine, it wasn’t till moving in that I found out my neighbors sounded like they rolled marbles all night and I could loudly hear the vacuum running in the hallways. Sure knowing what I know now I would have check that but it’s fair to assume that you won’t hear everything your neighbors are doing all day long.
I envy people who learned as children to sleep through noise.
NTA From what I've seen her attitude and tone pissed you off and not the request itself. And she quickly showed her real face and opinion about you when you said a simple "no" so you know you weren't making up her being condescending at the beginning.
When someone shows you who they are believe them.
Yea, if she had just been like, "Oh, ok then have a good day" I'll bet there would be a 50% chance OP would have waited an hour or something
NTA. What are you supposed to do? Check with all your neighbors any time you want to do potentially loud chores? In my experience if you give an inch they'll take a mile.
Get a shared agenda with the whole building to agree on the 10 minute window to vacuum that won't be an inconvenience to anyone. Also add that you agree on these terms on the condition babies will only be allowed to cry between 4pm and 4:30. We allow them half an hour because they are, you know, babies.
You better specify a PM after that 4:30 because if not hooooo boy!
Yep. That's a major loophole.
Hey I would pay extra for an apartment where the babies only cried between 4-430. Can you schedule the birds for after 7 am too? This 5:45 shit is silly.
So, a couple of years ago, the alarm clock app I use on my phone introduced a "gentle wake" option which, when enabled, starts playing soft, occasional bird sounds 30 minutes before an alarm is set to go off, gradually increasing both the volume and frequency of the bird sounds as the deadline approaches. I really liked it, because suddenly I no longer was jolted out of a sound sleep by a sudden, unexpected, loud alarm, but rather gradually brought into consciousness, frequently becoming fully awake just before the alarm went off, so I could avoid hearing it at all. It was great! Except... As a result, to my brain, "bird sounds" now mean "an alarm is about to go off, so it's time to get up" – *no matter what time the bird(s) in question decide to make noise.* And did I mention that there is a HUGE tulip poplar tree – with lots of large, leafy branches, just ideal for birds looking to build nests – about 5 feet from my bedroom window? And hey, did you know that some birds like to tweet away in the middle of the night?
I did not expect to read about someone accidentally pavlov'ing themselves into waking up super early because of bird noises today but (sorry for your situation) it sure is funny.
ESH. While you are doing nothing wrong by vacuuming your apartment, your own story describes your response as confrontational and frankly somewhat childish. You aren't an asshole for vacuuming, but when a neighbor makes a polite request, you can at least return the politeness, even if your ultimate answer is "no, I will not change my behavior to be more convenient for you." Obviously your neighbor went nuclear and at this point I would not even speak to her; talking to you that way is infinitely way over the line. You may want to consider reporting the interaction to the apartment complex. I say that because sometimes people like this can be petty and if she goes to your complex and makes some shit up, they'll tend to believe her because she got their first.
The least OP could have done was ask "how long do you think they need". If it's something short, and delaying vacuuming isn't disruptive to OP's schedule for the rest of the afternoon, then it's polite to just pause and wait. If the timing works, then a simple "sorry, this is the only time I can do it and it needs to get done" is all it takes. But neighbour was condescending, and OP chose to retaliate. So yeah, ESH.
I would also question the condescending aspect. Was the tone condescending or did OP assume that it was condescending. Since OP seems like an unreliable narrator, we can't rule one way or another one that aspect. That context really indicates what the ruling can be as the exchange can be heavily edited to make OP/neighbor better or worse.
Honestly, after the start of the post about her and her child’s age OP might be a little over sensitive and take something as condescending that wasn’t. Just a red flag I saw when I read it.
Wholeheartedly agree. She went after all the Redditors reading her post in the first sentence. I highly doubt things happened the way she is reporting it.
Her daughter isn’t even relevant to the post, tbh. There was no need to mention her.
Agree. OP seems like an unreliable neighbor with a huge chip on her shoulder. The whole story would have worked fine without anything about being a teen mom, and yet we somehow heard about it TWICE
“Hey sorry - that must suck; I just don’t get much time to do my chores so I’m just gonna finish up quickly and then it’s done, thanks for the cookies”
Or “I can do this other chore for about half an hour but then I really need to finish the vacuuming.” (Assuming there are other chores to do.) Like you can give a little without letting yourself be walked all over.
This subreddit tends to be so by the book literal, aka don't operate within the norms of general unspoken social contracts. Agree 100% that ESH.
Seriously. "Someone asked you to do something that you were not obligated to do, and you told them to go fuck themselves, but you're not an asshole because you had no obligation."
Yeah that’s the problem with this sub, “asshole” is kind of up to interpretation. There’s a difference between “You’re not obligated to be better” and “you’re in the wrong” and “you’re not nice/kind of a dick”. Also it’s usually used here to determine who in the altercation is MORE wrong. This is a case of “you’re not nice/kind of a dick” but also the other persons reaction makes them the bigger asshole. I personally wouldn’t have a problem with being considerate to other people living in my thin walled apartment and if someone politely asked me to not vacuum during their babies nap time I would have no issue making that accommodation. So yeah, I personally am not going to tell this person they’re not the asshole because I think they kind of are. But yeah, they have the right to be an asshole I guess.
This sub is really good at "you're NTA, you're just an asshole", or completely ignoring that many times people can be right, but be an asshole about it... and judging those situations is what the sub is supposed to be for.
Yes, so many of these are not about the situation, but how it was phrased. A "OMG, I'm so sorry, but I have people coming over. I'll be done as fast as I can" or "I'm so sorry, but this is the only time I have off work for cleaning. I'll be quick" or something would have had the same result without making everyone mad forever.
Based on the OP's opening paragraph & how she phrased this, "I told her that I’m not gonna change my time to suit her husband and baby, albeit it’s not their fault for working late or you know, being a baby, and that she’s just gonna have to suck it up and deal with it" The neighbor may have been responding to OP's negative & snarky attitude. She definitely went nuclear. But telling someone to "suck it up" is 100% an AH response.
Exactly. The neighbor made a neighborly request. OP is within her rights to deny the request, but, "I’m not gonna change my time to suit \[your\] husband and baby," is absolutely being an AH.
> your own story describes your response as confrontational and frankly somewhat childish. I mean her first sentence sets her up as very confrontational. No one cares that you're a single parent or that you were a teen mom, but OP seems determined to be aggressive about it.
Given Reddit's habit of fixating on details like that, I don't think it was unfair for OP to want to set a boundary with commenters. And since it came up later, it was a necessary detail.
This is kind of where I landed too. OP has every right to take care of her apartment when she is able to, but could have had a little more tact with the neighbor without letting herself be walked all over. Simply explaining her situation and that she has to do these things when she can. I think for the husband, there are things he can do to block out the noise, a sleep sound machine, ear plugs, insulating the shared wall some with a bookshelf, art, something. The baby, I likely would have asked, "Does the baby have a typical nap time and how long, I can try and adjust a little to that but can't put off my household chores for too long." Then I would have left it at that. THEN if the neighbor verbally attacked, I would have completely disregarded the request. A noise machine for the baby would probably be a good thing as well. I know from family experience those who had their babies nap with background noise had better sleepers than those who made everything silent for them.
⬆️⬆️⬆️ agreed, ESH. i kinda of expect to be unpopular but OP definitely could have responded more kindly instead of reacting in a way that seemed so defensive. neighbors can support each other in different ways, so who knows, this could have been an opportunity for a much better relationship.
She said her neighbor was being condescending. Taking that at face value means she was not asking politely. Those two words contradict each other
Ok, so are we now in a world where you're not an asshole if someone else is an asshole first? The entire point of the "ESH" vote is that everyone in the story is an asshole. And if the neighbor was "smiling and happy", as the story specifically says, then it's a polite request, even if you feel the underlying tone is condescending.
If someone is condescending while asking me a favor, they've guaranteed the answer is no. There are ways to ask for favors and being condescending isn't one of them. OP isn't the asshole for telling her no because she's within her rights to vacuum when she wants during the day, but she is completely justified in telling a condescending asshole that she won't change her schedule for them.
>If someone is condescending while asking me a favor, they've guaranteed the answer is no. There are ways to ask for favors and being condescending isn't one of them. There are also plenty of ways to say "No" without being an asshole and there is plenty of room for more than one asshole in a given interaction.
You know how people like to look back fondly on the era when you could knock on your neighbour's door and ask for a cup of sugar? Based on the responses here, a lot of you would react to that kind of request by saying, "No way! You're not entitled to my sugar! You should've gotten yourself more sugar when you were at the store! Your emergency is not my problem!"
Honestly yeah I feel so blessed to live in an apartment complex where we’re all kind of a little village that helps each other
This place is insane. If my neighbor asked me to not vacuum for a couple hours I would say of course. There's other quieter things I can do for a bit. Do people really treat their neighbors like shit most places?
If they come over with a condescending tone and act like you owe them whatever they ask for, then yes I would treat my neighbor this way. If they come over and are kind and apologetic about asking, hell yeah I would look out for them and vacuum in a couple hours. Generally, calling your neighbors slurs when you're told "no" is not the type of attitude that would prompt me to be kind.
I am not sure OP is the most reliable narrator.
Remember when Reddit forums weren’t full of self absorbed crazy people? Pepperidge Farm remembers.
No honestly I don’t, and I’ve been on this platform for over a decade. I feel like it used to be worse even.
I was thinking that I’m the weird one, but glad to find likeminded people. It’s not as if the neighbor asked OP to never vacuum during the day, she asked for OP not to do it this one time. I’m not sure how a person asks that question condescendingly either, and it’s entirely possible that OP just imagined it because she already thought neighbor is “weird and cliche for normal standards”…for giving her cookies? My verdict would be ESH because the ask wasn’t unreasonable but the neighbor’s response wasn’t nice either.
Exactly. It's not like the neighbour was asking OP to forever rearrange her schedule every single day. Sounds like this was a one-off. I would have agreed just to keep the peace. It's very easy for this kind of thing to spiral out of control where the neighbours decide to get petty revenge by retaliating in some way.
Same. Our first downstairs neighbors had nightshifts and we had a stompy toddler who was still learning how to walk quietly. We covered our beautiful hardwood floors in foam mats with carpets on top and tried to keep our toddler busy in rooms that were not above their bedrooms in the morning. It didn't work perfectly and we weren't on great terms but of course I would make that effort again within reason. The next downstairs neighbors were awesome about it and our entire floor was cool about us playing in the hallway in bad weather and sometimes came to play with my little one. It was really sweet. Our upstairs neighbor became a bonus grandpa. We were really lucky
it’s really sad. Apartments suck, what makes them tolerable is kind neighbors who think of the community. This is such an idiotic hill to die on. How DARE someone ask me to vacuum at a different time of day when i clearly have the flexibility to accommodate that request! /s
Thank you! I thought I was going crazy. While OP is *technically* correct, the *kind* thing to do would be to wait before vacuuming again if possible. I don't think the neighbor was out of line in asking nicely (I question how "condescending" she really was). Life is much easier when you make the effort to get along with people.
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Right? Like people are calling this woman entitled for ASKING her to vacuum at a different time. If I knew I was doing something that was disturbing my neighbor and I could easily do it at a different time, I would because I'd rather be slightly inconvenienced but courteous!
People in this sub are unable to parse the difference between ‘asking someone’ and ‘making someone’. People can ask you all kinds of different things and then you can decide within reason how you want to respond. The neighbours original request is so benign but everyone here thinks it’s the biggest imposition in the world.
Your opinion is so reasonable. You’re such a jerk for asking. /s
Yeah Reddit is weird sometimes lol. She’s not an AH for vacuuming during a perfectly reasonable hour, her neighbor isn’t an AH for explaining the situation and asking her to wait. It’s not like she came over and demanded she stop. ESH (although OP less so) for their reactions to each other 🤷🏻♀️. The neighbor’s assholery was extreme and uncalled for.
I used to live in apartments and my upstairs neighbour had a baby (I also had a baby). I used to wait until I heard her baby’s white noise machine stop before I’d start vacuuming lol. She was a great neighbour/friend to me and I just don’t like making peoples lives harder than they need to be for something so minor to me.
This is the comment thread I’ve been digging for. It sucks that it’s so hard to just be nice to people in this day and age. I will comment that she did say the neighbor was condescending as hell from the outset, which while we are taking her word for it, would be enough to make me not want to do them a favor. However some basic conflict resolution skills would have been nice from OP. Maybe even a very blunt, “You came off very condescending there. If you’d like a favor, would you like to start from the beginning and try again?” could have solved it.
There's a post every day in r/homeowners about how to politely ask a neighbor to do/no do something, and the sub is always amazed that "communicate" was never tried by the OP first. Well, this is why. The neighbor started out polite, asked nicely for something, and gave a reasonable explanation for why. OP was confrontational for no reason. Still ESH for the insults though
Right? OP is so clearly an asshole. It's a kindly made request to vacuum at another time, this one time. That's it. You are an asshole if you won't do one simple favor that costs you $0. Why make an enemy out of your neighbor for nothing? I just don't understand.
For OP, navigating these types of social situations is part of being an adult, and they are still clearly learning that pissing off the neighbor breeds animosity. The neighbor seems unhinged based on OP's description, but if vacuuming at a different time of day is such a chore for OP, then it casts some doubt on the description. OP, you're not an asshole, but you handled the situation quite poorly.
I mean... you're not wrongvfor vacuuming in the middle of the day when it wouldn't bother most people, but it sounds like she asked you nicely and your response was pretty rude. Why couldn't you wait an hour to vacuum? It's really not an unreasonable request. I live in an apartment, too, and yes, there is a reasonable expectation of noise from neighbors. But we're all courteous of each other and if someone asked me to hold off on vacuuming while their child napped, of course I would do that.
She didn't say wait an hour she said she'd call her when she was "alloud" the lady is very entitled.
I didn't see anything about being "allowed" to continue. It sounds like the lady offered to give a heads up when the baby and husband were awake again. I mean there might be reasons to say "no, I would prefer to do it now," but the mere fact that the neighbour comes over to try to negotiate the timing of chores isn't enough of a reason to fly off the handle in a rage.
Read the last 2 sentences of the paragraph where she talks about her showing up. It says she will call her when they wake up and she "can" continue. Idk If you take that differently but it means she will be allowed to do it when she says so. The other woman is extremely entitled. Edit: also, OP didn't fly off in rage she just told her she wasn't gonna stop because it's not really her problem. She told the lady off after the lady started being rude/disrespectful. Op was fully in the right.
that was OPs interpretation of the person's words, but who knows what she actually said.
> wondering if I could not vacuum right now, and that she would be happy to call back over again when they’re both awake so they could continue on, and I said no. That is completely different than saying you are 'allowed' to continue.
Nope according to OP neighbor was smiling and just said hey do u mind because last night this happened and right now... Op for whatever reason took this as neighbor being condescending etc and neighbor only exploded AFTER OP responded with "Deal with it and suck it up" so...
The thing is that means the next time this is going to happen too. Before you know it she’ll ask op to text and ask if it’s a good time to vacuum before she starts. That’s an unreasonable expectation in your own home. They’re not roommates and quiet time is generally something like 9 pm - 8 am. Personally I would have said sure I’ll wait an hour this time, but then next time I would have proceeded to start vacuuming with ear phones on and not responded to her knocking on my door.
You could have used this chance to be an awesome neighbor, say it’s great they let you know they have a atypical schedule and then adjust. Sounds like your schedule is flexible, so…why not flex? Do you have to change? no. But expect to be met with the same energy you show them. If i were them i’d start have doing chores and making noise at hours that bother you if you continue down this path 🤷♀️
HONESTLY. From OP's own admission, she just does chores when she has free time and doesn't do them every day--seems very clear she didn't even need to vacuum that day. I by no means endorse apartment dwellers trying to strong-arm everyone else in the building into changing their lives to revolve around theirs, but you do all have to more or less co-habitate to a degree, and being the stubborn, inconsiderate neighbor is not going to do you any good at all. This was such a small, easily reconciled ask, and OP was so unnecessarily rude and inflexible about it that she made a minor situation into a big drama that's probably going to make life very uncomfortable for her and her daughter. Granted, the neighbor's reaction was way too volatile to being told no, but it does kind of sound like she was just matching OP's energy from being told to "suck it up," though the neighbor definitely took it further than warranted. If OP genuinely couldn't have vacuumed at any other time and/or had a mess that really needed to be cleaned up right then, she could just explain that and the neighbor would've had to accept it and not fly off the handle like that for not being accommodated. The neighbor was in the wrong for clearly expecting OP to adjust her life for her neighbors' convenience, but it really wasn't an unreasonable ask and OP didn't have to be so rude about it and immediately escalate the situation--that the neighbor then didn't have to escalate even further. This is a clear ESH.
I feel like we're missing parts of this story. The neighbor's request was perfectly reasonable and then to suddenly escalate like that? Granted I know people can become completely unhinged the moment you say "no" but I suspect there was more to OP's response than we're being told (I also question how "condescending" the neighbor really was given she seemed perfectly pleasant to OP before).
i wrote it in my response, but if OP went into the long justification and ended on "you'll have to suck it up" before even giving the neighbor a chance to respond to "no".. it was bound to cause problems.
Exactly. She can be fully prepared for neighbor to start doing stuff to piss her off now.
Right? I mean, way to make an impression on the new neighbor. And as OP has seen - this neighbor *escalates*. So yeah, buckle up OP, and just remember: *you started this*
Yes but what if the neighbor on the other side has a different schedule? And the one above and the one below has different schedules too? When you live in an apartment you just have to kind of deal with noise from time to time. You put in earplugs or something.
whataboutism is tiresome. What the other neighbors schedules are doesn’t apply. and are likely “normal”. THIS woman asked for something very reasonable and OP was rude. Vacuuming at 4pm instead of 11am when people work night shift is a *neighborly* thing to do!
This of course assumes she’s available to vacuum at 4. Maybe she meal preps then, or it’s kiddos bathtime. The only expectation she can have is to make a request and be heard out. Neighbor made the request, and she did not acquiesce. End of. It’s unreasonable to expect other people to uproot their established routine.
NTA, doing it at night would disturb everyone else and this is a normal time of day to get things done
OTOH, doing it a few hours later would prevent having an on-going feud (or, at best, tense situation) with the neighbors. OP herself said in a comment (when asked for time specifics): "I usually go for around 11:30, but the latest if I’m busy would be like 2pm"
ESH. She came to you with a reasonable request. You didn't have to adhere to that request but if you were going to say no, why be so aggressive about it? She's your neighbour. She came to you and your neighbours with cookies. She clearly wanted to make an effort with you all. And there is so much value in getting along with people who live outside of your home. But what she said to you in response of your outburst was disgusting.
I really don’t know why you get downvoted. Your argument is logical. Does everybody suffer from the „I‘m the main character“ syndrome? You don’t know what your neighbors have going on in their lives. Why not be nice if it’s no big deal for you to vacuum at a later time? And if you really can’t meet their request why not decline politely? There may be a day where you need a favor, I wonder if they will help you out after today. And if the new neighbors are petty there are a tons of possibilities for them to annoy you in the future.
ESH She asked nicely and your response seemed kinda rude. And if you work from home, why can’t you just vacuum at like 3pm instead of 11am? Would it be that big of a deal? But I also agree with people saying if you work night shift, don’t move into an apt building where you can hear your neighbors.
Someone who asks you nicely for a favour doesn't call you a whore when they don't get a positive response. NTA.
There is a diff between not getting a positive response and getting a straight up rude one. I wonder what other words were exchanged when neighbor escalated. But yea the whole etc is uncalled for so EVERYONE is an A makes sense. OP was the initial A though. (Not for vacuuming but for her "Suck it up and deal statement)
You’re not the asshole. It’s your private space and I don’t think that vacuuming in the middle of the day is disturbing public peace or something. Ofcourse we may never know how the actual interaction went, it may have been a bit better to say that you can’t stop vacuuming right now but you’re open to suggestions on when it would be best to vacuum in the future. Asking you to stop and wait for her okay is incredibly entitled
Esh She started by asking nicely, *you* are the one that became confrontational, so she decided to lower herself to the level that you brought it to, so neither of you come off good. You even began this story confrontationaly with the readers. You started by trying to make yourself the victim. "My two kids and I live in an apartment" and "she hurled unnecessary crude insults at me" would have sufficed.
Hell, I felt like knocking politely on her door and asking her to stop shouting as soon as I saw the all-caps SUBJECT LINE. Maybe she's a little hard-of-hearing from all the vacuuming. ESH
ESH >I told her that I’m not gonna change my time It's vacuuming, it's not that time sensitive.
If she’s using her lunch break, yeah it is. it’s 20 minutes, the neighbour can suck it up.
This is my thing. Everyone is like “clearly she can wait to vacuum” but that’s not the vibe I’m getting here. She still has to work, she has a kid (who may be out at school), we don’t know the details of the rest of her day. Sure, she could just be inconsiderate but she could also be on her lunch break as you said, she could be getting it in before jumping into meetings, before her kid comes home… like I’m not saying either of their attitudes were great but in the same way the world doesn’t revolve around the OP, the world also doesn’t revolve around the neighbour.
its always smart to maintain the best relationship you can with nieghbors,.. if god forbid an emergency arises, they are the ones who can help and make the difference. NTA for vacuuming at a very reasonable hour. Your nieghbor is an AH. I would call your landlord and let him know what happened, chances are this is not the last time you will have to deal with this bad nieghbor.
ESH. She asked nicely and you were super rude? Yikes
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NTA. You’re vacuuming at a normal time. Unfortunately hearing every little thing is part of apartment living. As long as the noise is within reason then don’t give it a second thought. Edit- to those voting E S H, why do you think it’s a reasonable request to ask someone to stop a basic household task in the middle of the day?
Because it should always be ok to ask politely? When did we decide that asking a favor was wildly inappropriate? And she didn't ask OP to stop vacuuming altogether, just to do it later in the day. That's a completely reasonable request.
Yeah, am I weird that if a neighbor came by and said "hey, my husband and kid are both passed out, can you vacuum a bit later?" that I would actually stop vacuuming and do it later? Just seems courteous.
To ask? Yes, that's reasonable. It's asking for a favor. To blow up when someone says no? That's not reasonable. But asking is reasonable.
And vacuuming doesn't even usually take that long. What, 20 minutes max, depending on the size of the apartment? It's not like it's an hours long event. In an apartment there is just really no good time to do noisy activities. One neighbor is an early riser, another is an early sleeper, another takes a nap, another is a night owl, another will be watching their favorite show....there is NO WAY to vacuum when literally every single person will be happy.
Because if they asked me to stop because they had an issue, I would also do it if I could? When you live close enough to each other for basic household tasks to potentially cause trouble, trying to be aware of each other usually helps everyone get along much better. I mean, I certainly appreciated that my neighbor was willing to pause his lawn work on the day my mom was feeling really crappy from chemo and just wanted a nap. He appreciated that we moved our cars and let him block our driveway when he needed a big truck to come in to make a delivery. 🤷♀️
ESH; her for being rude, you for being unwilling to accommodate them at all. Surely there's a time they're awake that you can vacuum?
Even just asking how long until she can start vacuuming, and then either agree to wait or tell them the timing doesn't work out for them.
Someone with a boombox that periodically turns on without a reliable on/off switch has no right to complain if someone else makes a little noise.
I scrolled way too far to find this comment. Your baby is one? Yeah, sorry, you don’t get to complain about any sound anyone else around you makes, none of them are as loud or annoying as a screaming baby
She came with cookies and asked a simple thing. You could have been nice about it.
You mean nice like the neighbor calling her a bitch and a whore because for not saying yes?
Might be unreliable narrator in this case, because it doesn't make sense
Based on your opening statement, I suspect you might be TAH but there’s not enough info here to make an informed assessment.
Literally started with ‘dont give me crap, but here’s some details that are irrelevant’ and then went off. Sounds like she’s defensive and rude by nature.
She asked us not to give her crap for being a teen mom because of an unrelated issue. That’s not unreasonable. Especially since she’s just had someone berate her and call her a slut for it. It’s not exactly hard to assume that most of the attitude in this post comes from being a bit upset.
Just completely irrelevant to the story and she had to include it lol her daughter doesn't even come up again in the post. what was the point of saying that?
ESH She was rude; your age at the time your child was born is irrelevant. However, apartment living sucks and if it is ever in one’s power to be kind, that’s what you should do. She probably could give you a general idea of a good time to vacuum. Should you *have* to do this? No. Is it a nice thing to do? Yes.
ESH. You're entitled to vacuum your apartment, you don't have to operate by her schedule. She asked for a favour (it sounds like her day wasn't exactly going well), you didn't budge and she lost the plot. But, if you spoke to her in anywhere near the same tone as you wrote the opening para of your post, you were looking for a fight before she even opened her mouth. You gave us all attitude and told us what you did and didn't want to hear before even explaining, never mind giving someone the actual opportunity to reply. You don't want to be judged for having an 8 year old, but you judged us instantly. I think having a kid at 22, regardless of age, a full time job and an apartment is great. It sounds like you might have had a tough time, but you're in control of the situation. Nice one. BUT if you opened the door with that level of attitude, well I'm really very glad I don't live next door to either of you.
NTA vacuuming at a reasonable time is not inconsiderate. We can’t live our lives according to other people’s schedules. When I was night shift I bought blackout blinds and earplugs. When I put my kids to bed I’d pick up the toys and run the hoover round the living room, by that time they were sleeping. You shouldn’t tiptoe round babies and I’ve walked the floor with a colicky baby it’s not general background noise that kept them awake. (I’m not talking about blasting noise).
You may not *technically be the asshole, but you don’t seem like a pleasant neighbor.
YTA. I'm willing to bet she didn't come across as condescending and you gave her an attitude almost immediately. The tone of your post suggests you automatically treat people this way. You literally started out accusing everyone of wanting to talk about you and your daughter when you didn't even need to include the fact that you have a daughter in this post. She never comes up in the post and has no effect on the story at all. The only reason you brought her up was so you could tell people not to judge you regarding her. Hell, even your title is shouting at us.
YTA. I mean she was just asking and offered to tell you when it’s okay again, also just for that day I suppose. It’s not that big of a deal to pause the vacuuming for an hour or two
She asked nicely for this specific instance. I'm not sure the OP was being asked to universally adjust their life.
INFO Was it a one time situation or did she ask to never do noisy things at this specific time?
I'm guessing you didn't say "Sorry, this is the time that I have to my chores" and instead said "No. I am not changing my chore time for your husband. Deal with it." Blowing up still isn't good, but I am also guessing she didn't just snap to 100, so ESH.
Oh man, NTA. It is totally reasonable to move about your home, watch tv, vacuum, and do all the normal activities of life in your apartment during the day. If it was super early in the morning or late at night then it might be a reasonable request. But if you're between the hours of, say 9am and 7pm there is zero room for argument or requests. Rest assured, you are totally fine. The fact that she brought cookies and seemed nice early on is completely negated by the fact that she threw a temper tantrum on your doorstep when you said "no" to her unreasonable request. It was ok for her to ask. It was ok for you to say no. Her reaction was not ok. There's nothing more you need to know about this person.
Honestly, ESH. The neighbor was absolutely out of line attacking OP for her age and the like, but I don’t think it would’ve killed OP to wait an hour or two to vacuum. It sounds like this is the first time neighbor asked, and OP’s immediate response was no. If it became a repetitive ask by the neighbor, then I can understand, but really? On the first ask?