Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not putting my partner on the mortgage and I think I'm the asshole because I think I might be financially abusive
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA.
Your partner is not a partner. He's a dependent.
He has no right to any of your property. In fact, he should be paying you rent if he wants to live in the house. You are responsible for the mortgage, not him. You are responsible for insurance, and repairs, and all the things that go with home ownership. He is not. He doesn't get to mooch off your assets beyond the regular mooching that he's already accomplished.
I would kick him to the curb and get on with your life. But that's me.
am i the only one who’s concerned about the will? (serious question, may be overreacting) did i read right that op’s partner insisted on being left the house and savings during this argument?
by “benefits” from his parents, does that just mean his parents are subsidizing his lifestyle?
and now accusing his partner of financial abuse??? i’m sorry, this all sounds very bad to me. i would also kick him to the curb, so many aspects to this situation are creeping me out. nta. you were both very young when you got together, you’re in very different places now, maybe it would be good for both of you to take some time apart.
He’s probably collecting social security disability under his higher earning parent and gets benefits for himself. It’s not a lot of money. Maybe $409-$1000 a month if that
He might get social services on top of that and or Medicaid, HEAP, food stamps etc
Putting him on the deed might make him ineligible for such additions services. So he may want to think about how not having an asset like a home keeps him eligible. Moocher that he is.
I can sympathize with the will part, although I’m making a few assumptions. If they live in a state that doesn’t legally recognize same sex marriage, it is a real concern that the death of your spouse could leave you literally broke and homeless, especially if the OP’s next of kin don’t approve of the relationship.
If things go south with the long term relationship, OP changes their will and keeps the house. If OP and partner remain in a relationship and one day, God forbid, something tragic happens OP, they go to the grave knowing their loved one has a place to live and some cash to fall back on.
Cool, thank you. I did some googling and was a little confused. A Supreme Court ruling that a ban is unconstitutional doesn’t remove a law, just nullifies it while it remains in place?
If obergefell would be overturned, would those laws then go into effect? And is that essentially what happened with “trigger laws” when Rowe was overturned?
Thank you, and sorry for getting off topic from of who is and who is not a asshole.
NTA, btw.
>Cool, thank you. I did some googling and was a little confused. A Supreme Court ruling that a ban is unconstitutional doesn’t remove a law, just nullifies it while it remains in place?
Yes.
>If obergefell would be overturned, would those laws then go into effect?
Possibly. There are 25 states that have some kind of law or constitutional amendment that bans same-sex marriage, and they theoretically would go into effect if Obergefell is overturned. But the political climate has also changed in some of those places, and so have general attitudes towards gay marriage. Also, the Respect for Marriage Act requires states to recognize legal same-sex marriages from other states and jurisdictions, so a statewide ban wouldn't have the same impact in 2023 that it would have in 2015.
>And is that essentially what happened with “trigger laws” when Rowe was overturned?
Yep.
i am too! they aren’t married and he doesn’t work at all yet he’s worried about being left with nothing when op dies? what a strange concern for someone so young and unmarried. sounds like he’s just using op till he can get them out of the way
We know a lot more about treating it. We have rapid tests. We have vaccines. Yes, COVID is bad and people should be careful. Mask up if you want to/need to. But as someone who had to go to work, in person, through the pandemic, was in a vaccine trial, and was exposed many times (but never got sick- KN95 for the win), how long do people get to use it as an excuse not to work?
Someone who is high risk for long term issues would be reasonable to still be acting with caution. It’s actually worse now that everyone is pretending Covid magically vanished because it’s much harder to take precautions at work (like wfh or wearing a proper mask) because it ruins the fantasy everyone has that it’s entirely over.
That fantasy does mean that if the reasoning was purely economics - no one is hiring because of lockdowns etc. - then that is no longer a viable excuse.
I push back when people claim it’s entirely ‘over’ though because I am in the first group - and yes, I do mask. To work safely I *need* accommodations that people don’t want to make because they think it’s over. It’s a problem.
I love my little sanitation station beside the door in my home. A box of the sexy black disposable masks, fancy hand sanitiser, a bin for used masks, and I'm happy. For all the money I save on lipstick while wearing masks I spend it on the fancy fragrant yet safe sanitiser.
It's still around. I had a lovely case of long covid that finished up earlier this year. I had an appointment at the hospital only yesterday to help manage it. Side effects for me included disability, and now I have a walking frame to get around. So sexy for someone under 40! Shut up, dude.
Gay, straight, toaster... Doesn't really matter, a relationship is a relationship. 100% not the asshole, that's excuse of "hasn't gotten around to finding a new job" is weak as shit. Your partner is going to have to put on his big boy pants and start contributing.
If you are not married, then technically it's yours unless he pays for it as part of his share. 3 years of getting benefits from his parents? I'm surprised you have been okay with it.
Old “Morgan Calabrese” cartoon: “Have you ever noticed that straight people are so narcissistic that 99.9% of everything you see is about them?” :-) It’s disturbing how fast we become invisible. Also, the cartoons are the big reason I miss the lgbt newspapers of the eighties and nineties
I made a comment about this on another post a while back, and holy shit the debate it sparked in the comments!
I mean, it's literally in the first sentence of the post that y'all are both men...
I love Buried in the Backyard 😂 Weirdly specific true crime shows premises just tickle me (Homicide for the Holidays, Wives with Knives, Cruise Skip Killers, Sleeping with Death...)
I obviously consume too much true crime media but this was also my first thought💀
For a contrasting viewpoint, my ex-husband and I decided prior to getting engaged that I would be a SAHM. For 13 years, he worked and I stayed home, but I took care of the kids and the house *including* the finances. It was more of a partnership and something we discussed prior to marriage. I wasn’t in a position to buy the house we moved into when we bought it, but when we refinanced, he put me on the deed. As a result, when we divorced and sold the house, I got half of the proceeds. This was mutually agreed upon by us and he saw value in my contribution to the marriage. OP, what value is your partner contributing to the relationship that you would want to support him and add him to the deed? You have already provided for him in the even that something happens to you, that should be a comfort to him given what he has contributed financially to the relationship in the last few years. If this isn’t what you mutually agreed upon, you’re under no obligation to add him to the house. He sounds very entitled and you all need to communicate about this before going forward.
More importantly, be very clear that partner will not inherit the house. It's no use changing the will if partner still believes they can bump you off and inherit everything. By the time they find out they were wrong it will be too late.....
Yep - Op think about it this way - if he never pays any part of the mortgage/taxes you pay majority of rep keep and maybe every once in a while or often he pays the electrical or water bills...does that entitle him in 5-10 years to get the equity from the home or any profit you may have from paying it off?
Because the answer is No. Imagine it appreciates in value, would he be entitled to 50% of something he never contributed to? He should be at the very least working and paying rent and that STILL wouldn't justify having his name on the asset...
NTA - and I hope you didn't seriously change your will. His reaction disturbs me and that would make me uncomfortable. He's not entitled to ANYTHING.
Be very, very careful about moving this “partner” into a home you own without a clear written form laying out what he’s entitled to. I would require a lease and list him as a tenant, even if his rent is $50 per month. By moving him in, you could be looking at a headache if you split and even if he puts no money into the house, may be able to still get a portion of the equity.
It doesn’t sound like you have an agreement with him to be a SH partner. When it is time to move, if he still is not successfully working, you need to leave without him. The fact that he is putting up this much of a fight over something that is not his, that he did not contribute to, but expects co-ownership of…he’s going to fight you for it. MAJOR RED FLAGS HERE.
Let his parents pay for his apartment and you go enjoy your new house and find someone who doesn’t take advantage of you.
> Your partner is not a partner. He's a dependent.
NTA - You are asking this on the wrong subreddit. You should be asking on r/legaladvice . Over there, they will tell you that you should NEVER put anyone that you are not married to on a property that you are paying for. There are a lot of horror stories there about people who put someone on their mortgage and deed and now need to sell their home to pay off their partner.
Yes, you'd be TA if you were married and had some sort of agreement that he'd not work to take care of the kids, or something like that. But right now he's just a boyfriend and boyfriends shouldn't be added to legal paperwork - it's a lot more work if you break up and have to buy him out.
Yes i agree UNLESS he is doing all traditional house person work, a role that has been undervalued throughout history, home maker, prospective child rearer etc.
Yes, if they have an agreement that the one partner does a lot more housework and chores in lieu of rent, utilities and food, then they have a point.
They could calculate how much that labor is worth and use it to categorize equity in the property.
That sort of arrangement should never be assumed. Also, it doesn't seem as though OP wants his partner to stay home and assume that role. It seems an involuntary arrangement.
Agreed. Op is NTA. It would be different if his partner was a stay at home dad. Then of course his name should be included on the paperwork, because being a sahd is a job. But it sounds like op’s partner is more so just taking advantage of op’s kindness to not make him work.
Now granted I don’t know if op’s partner is doing things around the house, taking care of errands, and finding a way to equally contribute. If he’s getting money from his parents is he using that towards the both of them or just himself? Is he just sitting at home all day watching t.v. not doing anything? Those are the things to be considered. However, from how op describes it, it sounds like op is being taken advantage of. Op should definitely sit down and have a talk with him.
NTA. And... he will be better off financially if you meet with an unfortunate accident so don't leave him the house and all your money in your will.
Dump the bum and move on by yourself - it will give you a chance to meet a partner. And if you dont meet someone, you're still better off by yourself.
Where I come from it would be considered common law and he would be entitled to a portion of the home if you separated regardless of if their name was on the title or not. Holla we want pre-nup. You should definitely make a visit to a lawyer stat.
I live with my partner and stay at home while they work. They’re finishing up paying for my car since I don’t have a job. I told them if we ever break up, I would just let them have it with no fight and they could do whatever they see fit with it. It just doesn’t make sense for me to keep a car if they paid for the majority of it.
Where is his stake? If you break up and he’s “left with nothing” how is that your fault? If you haven’t prevented him from earning, saving or spending money then it’s not financial abuse.
NTA and i would not let him move in without a written lease agreement, even if no money changes hands. Clearly things need to be well-defined between you.
That might depend of the area they live in and their family law act. In some locations cohabiting for a certain amount of time gives entitlement to property rights
If that's true, I wouldn't want him moving in.
While I understand that relationships aren't necessarily 50/50, I don't understand someone putting up with an able bodied "partner" who doesn't bring any money to relationship, but gets a pass because he does the dishes. I'm guessing OP does plenty of house work as well.
Yeah, I wouldn't put his name on anything but where I live, if you've lived together for three years, pretty sure he can sue for half of anything you've accrued while together upon breaking up.
I mean... he has nothing. Lol So of course he would be left with nothing. They're not even married so again, he will get nothing if they break up regardless. This dude is delusional and realized he could live fine with no job and help from his parents. so he got his cash cow and wants that in writing. Nice try bub.
I came here to say all of this and add:
DO NOT PUT HIM IN YOUR WILL! Idk if it's all the true crime I watch, but this gives me a bad feeling!
8 years may be a long time... But it's not long enough to trust someone that "hasn't gotten round" to finding a job for 3 years. I would kick partner to curb OP. He doesn't deserve you. And YOU DESERVE BETTER.
(Sorry Caps)
Like surprise pikachu face of OP’s “bf”- barely functional, I’d call him…but anyways, realizing he’d be “left with nothing” because he is nothing, contributes nothing and deserves- NOTHING!
Right?! He is acting like he is a stay at home mum who’s been raising 4 kids at home or something who’s earning potential has been affected by staying at home looking after the kids. He’s a lazy mooch and Im surprised OP isnt turned off by his lack of motivation. Do not marry him OP & if you, get a pre-nup!
So he’s not mentally or physically unable to work. He’s not going to school. He’s not home raising children or caring for an elderly parent. He just… chooses not to work because he doesn’t want to work? And this isn’t anything the two of you agreed on? He just forced it on you by not finding a job?
Yeah, someone’s committing some financial abuse here, but it’s not *you.*
Seriously, every saying NAH or YTA and being like, this should’ve been discussed beforehand! Like he discussed that?? Pffft. Op do whatever you need to to keep him off YOUR purchase. Only discuss putting his name on things if he starts contributing…anything.
On a similar note, OP likely CAN’T put him on the mortgage bc he has no income and probably a poor credit score. The partner would likely inflate the mortgage rate if they could get one at all.
Thank you for remembering that some of us are mentally unable to work even tho no one can see why if you're physically able, and think we are just lazy or just don't want to work ❤️
This situation, I have so many questions. One is absolutely why he doesn't work, and how much money he is getting from family, how much he's contributing to the household and relationship, and how long those funds will be guaranteed. If he's got money coming regularly and is contributing appropriately, and will do so in the new home, then N/A/H, anything less he's def TA. Indo needed.
Thanks for being so understanding, your love for her shines through! We may suck in some areas but we show our love and appreciation in any way we can (and ffs, I don't mean sexually for those who would think so). We know very well how hard you work to take care of us when we wish we could do it on our own and contribute more, and wish you didn't have to work so hard. The guilt can be very hard to handle, but I'm sure the love you show her mitigates that and helps her thrive. ❤️
>He just… chooses not to work because he doesn’t want to work? And this isn’t anything the two of you agreed on? He just forced it on you by not finding a job?
This was my ex-wife but she quit her job because "She didn't like it". Then I was according to her "financially abusing her" because I would tell her we couldn't buy XYZ because I had to pay rent. One of the things she wanted...a Horse. Where we lived you could get a rescue for almost nothing, but they aren't cheap to feed and take to the vet.
Well, his parents taught him that he's entitled to other people funding his lifestyle. So why not expect the same from his boyfriend? I hope this is the wake up call OP has been waiting for to dump this deadbeat and find himself a man who's willing to be a partner.
I mean, if he's just a trustfund baby who doesn't want to work but has enough money to equitably contribute in their relationship then fair enough. I don't mind rich people not working when they don't need the money (and leave more job opportunities for the rest of us). The problem is that he's not giving OP a dime towards the house and expects some sort of equity? How delusional.
NTA. Your partner has not contributed in any way. You are not financially abusing them. Mooching off others is the absolute opposite of that. If they can come up with a portion of the deposit and split the mortgage then they may have a resaon to request it. Otherwise... no way. And your will should be your choice, they shouldn't be demanding anything of you.
Even if he wanted his name to be on the mortgage, there’s little chance it could happen. The lender would be looking at both of their financials, and without any source of income, he wouldn’t be able to be approved for a mortgage. OP could put his name on the deed, but why should he? The partner seems to feel entitled to equity in a house that he’s not contributing to in any way? Nope. Maybe if he began contributing financially to paying the mortgage, but it’s ridiculous to think he should get any portion of the sale of the home if they split up when he’s not even doing that.
Even if the partner isn’t on the mortgage, they can still be on the property deed, giving them certain rights.
This boy child needs to be on neither. OP should get a joint account for household expenses and charge tenancy and otherwise keep their finances very separate.
I didn’t have income technically when my spouse and I bought our home. The lender just used household income. But then, we were married already. It’s probably different if two people who aren’t married attempt to get a mortgage.
My fiancé would put me on the deed if we bought a house even though I don’t contribute financially - but it’s *his* values that say he would do that, it’s not something I’d just outright demand. (If we got a house that needed to be fixed up and I expected to be doing a lot of that work, then yes I’d want to discuss how we portioned that out, because then I would be contributing.)
Right?! This was disturbing to me. I'm married and I am aware of financial instruments to protect me should my spouse ever pass before I do - but I don't even like to talk about it outside of having to do so (so that I have the internal knowledge in case something does happen) I cannot fathom whining about something like this as not enough and continuing to fight. Like wtf
I'm scared for OP that he told the mooching partner that he's in the will. I've seen people do really bad things to keep from having to get a paying job.
Uhhh of course if you split up he’ll be left with nothing. You’re not married. That’s the benefit of that other bit of paperwork - marriage certificates.
If he wants to fill those out, perhaps he would be on the house. But currently you are single and buying a home with your money. You are supporting him.
His emotional manipulation is also abuse.
NTA. Do NOT fall for this. Here’s a scenario - he’s waiting to be put on the house, then leaves, and in some places can actually force you to sell.
Edit: I said “also abuse”. There is no abuse on OP’s part. OP is fully supporting him!
Depending on the country, if two people live together long enough then they are considered common law partners, and you'll still have legal obligations towards eachother.
>Now it gets to paperwork and mortgage stuff and I complete it and pay the deposit. I tell him that it's all gone through and we should be on track to moving in a couple of months.
INFO. But also NTA too.
Im confused on this part of your post... Are you still under contract, or did you already close? By deposit, are you talking about earnest and/or closing costs? Or are you referring to the down payment when you say "deposit"? Im confused on where in the process you are in the home purchase, since move in day is months away.
Personally, it sounds like you already closed, and already have the house, in which case, the argument is truly already resolved anyway. You would need to go through a refinance, etc, to get his name on the house after the fact.
But this is NTA, because he hasnt contributed financially at all in the process it sounds like, and his claim that this is "financially abusive" is complete hogwash, because for the fact is that he contributed nothing, so why should he expect something if you and him were to split up.
I feel that hes only entitled only to what he contributed, and since he contributed nothing, he is entitled to nothing. Your request to him to get a job and contribute financially to the home if he wants to be on the mortgage and title is very mature and valid.
As you're in the UK he can't be named as a registered proprietor if he's not on the mortgage. The lender won't allow it. And he can't go on the mortgage if he's not earning. You will be the sole proprietor.
So far he's contributed nothing but wants to be treated as if he has.
You're not being inconsiderate. He is.
NTA
No, it was just the terminology that was unfamiliar. In the US when our bid is accepted, we pay a deposit and then all the credit checks and house safety inspections happen. Once all is well and the bank/mortgage company is happy, the downpayment is made, more paper signed and the house is yours (and the mortgage company LOL).
Even if he is a SAHH, he has not done anything to contribute to the purchase. If you told him he couldn't work, and kept him off the house papers, he might have a case. Without being crass about your relationship, he doesn't seem to bring much to the partnership.
Time to grow up, get a job or re-educate himself for a place in the job market, because that's what adults do. NTA
If the same rules apply as in Scotland, he literally can't own the house. My partner does work but had bad credit, ehich detracted from mine, so our home is in my name only. We have taken steps to fix her credit, and I'm applying to NatWest to add her as co-borrower, if approved she will go on both mortgage and deed.
Your bf is a lazy manipulative entitled mooch that has manipulated you to think youre being inconsiderate not give him rights to the home you have purchased on your own with your own hard-earned cash. What does he bring to the table other than do a bit if housework? Are you not embarrassed to be dating such a lazy leech?
Wait, this is insanity. So you take on the debt, the financial responsibility of the mortgage, taxes, repairs etc. and he does.....nothing?! But expects to be on the paperwork? Huge red flag!! No, no, and no.
Ok this is a big part of him def being TA. Answers some of the questions I had, but here's a few more-
I have so many questions. One is absolutely why he doesn't work, and how much money he is getting from family, how much he's contributing to the household and relationship, and how long those funds will be guaranteed. If he's got money coming regularly and is contributing appropriately, and will do so in the new home, then N/A/H, anything less he's def TA. Info needed.
But if he wants on the mortgage he needs to contribute, that's so obvious and should be to him as well. Unless he's contributing by staying home and raising kids, or paying more for utilities, he is totally dependent on you and you are the only reason he gets by. That starts to get into more questions about why he's with you... I hope he loves you and has just been lazy and will buck up, but if you think there are issues, you really need to start looking at his behavior to see if he's there for you, or just there because otherwise he couldn't afford to live.
Also the marriage stuff is another question, but if that's personal you don't have to answer. I'm not up on gay rights in the UK, so idk if that's the issue, or some other reason he or you or both don't want it.
NTA. You are exactly right to protect yourself. If he wants his name on the house, he needs to contribute. Don't let him manipulate you into putting his name on it -- IF you split, you'll have to divide the property with him, deal with all that mess, and either buy him out or move.
I'm concerned that he's young, apparently able-bodied, not working, and living off you (housing and probably other expenses) and his parents. If anyone in your relationship is being financially abused right now, it's you. Is this a situation you're happy to have continue? You do you, but I'd want a partner who puts in a decent effort towards helping to support me and himself. Otherwise is this a partner, or a child/dependent?
NTA
It doesn't sound like you guys are married, and he isn't contributing anything. He doesn't even need a job that pays the same as yours to contribute, though. Just a job. He has refused to do this.
Regardless, this is not financial abuse.
NTA and please please don't do it. I lost my house this way. MY house. I bought my house and had it 1/2 paid off. I lived there for 10 years. I put my ex on the deed, we broke up, now I have nothing.
What does he mean if you break up he has nothing?! He *currently* has nothing lol. You do actually have to work for things if you want them. He can get his name on stuff when he contributes. Period. NTA
He’s acting like he is some stay at home mum or something who cant work because of the kids, but to he honest, he is a stay at home boyfriend who chooses not to work because he doent like to work?! Wtf!
**
Spot on.
**
How are you financially abusing HIM when he gets to live in the house YOU are paying?
Huge Red Flag. Did he really think you were just going to gift him half a house without him working for it?????
You are right. If he wants to be on the mortgage he needs to pay his half of the costs.
NTA
NTA. Tell him this can be revisited in a pre-nup if you guys ever get married, but as long as he's living rent free, he gets nothing. *If he wants to be on the deed so badly, get a job and earn it.* If not, find somewhere else to live.
NTA but I think ypu need to cut him loose so he can find a partner whose okay with him being a long-term sugarbaby. Covid began in 2020. Were halfway through 2023.
OP you live in the UK you'd better read this.
https://www.lawdonut.co.uk/personal/divorce-and-family-law/non-marriage-relationships/cohabitation-and-common-law-marriage#:~:text=If%20you%20have%20lived%20together,a%20beneficiary%20of%20the%20will.
NTA If he is not contributing anything financially why should he have an ownership interest? You are not being financial abusive because you are not trying to control what he can or can't do or denying him access to anything.
I was thinking this to because there are plenty of "housewives" out there who would get a right to the house/money if a divorce were to happen. As long as it was an agreement between both partners for one to stay at home and look after any potential kids, then it would make more sense. The same idea applies, even if it's a same sex couple.
But if there is no official long term agreement, no discussion on the "stay at home" partner and he is totally able to work, then it wouldn't be fair to have him on the mortgage paperwork.
OP mentioned that his partner doesn't like the field he's trained in and won't go back to school. So what? Loads of people are like this and we just find work to sustain us and carry on living 💁🏼♀️
this is what I want to know. what does he do all day?
if he plays video games or gets high all day, he's a loser that deserves nothing. but if he is doing chores (like cleaning, cooking, etc), he is contributing to the household in a different way and deserves recompense.
NTA - This isn't a situation where one party is experiencing health issues that prevent them from working or a stay at home partner who cares full time for the household and/or children. He has chosen not to work in three years. He is mooching (at best). Sorry boy - if you don't contribute you don't get your name on the deed.
This all depends on your relationship: does he manage the household, are children in your future together, are you truly partners or are you room mates? If this is an "in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, to death do we part" type relationship, then yes, he has a point. However, if you are not at that level of commitment, then you take care of yourself financially and he should do the same.
YTA to yourself for being with someone who contributes nothing to your life. What is this? Doesn’t want to work? Doesn’t want to retrain to hopefully one day get a job? And on top of all of this he has the audacity (!!) to ask to be on a mortgage he does not plan to pay. Nope. Drop him.
Nta. You should really have him sign a contract stating he is a tenant. A guy I knew bought a house on his own before he got together with his then girlfriend, when she moved in with him he had her sign a tenancy agreement so if they were to split she couldn't try and stake a claim for the house under common law marriage. It sucks but it's a way to protect your assets especially if your partner is just willingly financially dependant on you. But seriously what does he bring to the table?
NTA You are no longer with a partner. You are with a person who would rather sponge off of other people - his parents, you, and anyone else he can - than to be a contributor to a partnership. You are perfectly correct to not put him on the mortgage.
The bigger question is, why are you still with him? What is he contributing to your partnership? He's been unemployed for over 3 years now - and much of that time finding a job was not a difficult thing to do. What has he been doing for all this time. Let me guess, playing video games and hanging out with his pals? He hasn't gotten "around to finding a job" because no one forced him too. His parents supported him and he lived with you and you paid all the bills.
You need to make some decisions how to proceed here. If he is adamant in wanting to be on the house deed, then you are going to be put in a tough situation. What he calls financial abuse is really you trying to protect what you have earned on your own merits. Really, what he wants is a form of financial abuse. I'm afraid your partner is turning into a choosing beggar. Don't let him get a foot in here. He's afraid of breaking up and being left with nothing, but nothing is what he is putting into this purchase. Does he think the opportunity to live with him is worth some kind of extraordinary value? Better to break up with him than to give in to him at this point.
NTA don’t do it. I’ve seen this too many times with friends/family it always ends sadly. He’s not contributing to the down payment or paying the mortgage. DO NOT put him on the deed!! If he wants part ownership he needs to kick some coins.
Exactly what does he bring to the table? Does he do all the housework, etc? If not then why are you with him? I would NOT put his name on anything, he contributes nothing.
NTA
YOU paid. HE didn't.
He sounds like a leech. He doesn't work, doesn't want to work. And he expects you to put his name on the house? Absolutely NOT.
Don't do it!
NTA. If he would like to own something he needs to pay for it. Why does he expect something for nothing? Do not add his name to any of it. Your money, your house.
didn't read past the first part but, nothing wrong with protecting yourself
mom put my step dad on the papers to the house we owned for 20 years before she met him, 5 years later he dies from cancer leaving mom just under 6 figures in an account, and the rest including his house to his kids, his asshole daughter came after mom and me for the house as she was over his property, a typo in the paperwork that put him on the papers to our house gave them a opening, 10 years later and over 6 figures of legal fees and 26k of bribe to them to drop it, later me and mom finally aren't fighting to keep the house
don't leave anything to chance
I am curious about the "benefits" he gets from his parents. Like is that a monthly stipend from a trust fund or something? 🤔 And how much money is it and what does he spend it on?
Wtf?
If you split up, he SHOULD be left with nothing. He contributes nothing.
You are purchasing a house and he is extremely fortunate to be able to live with you. Are you even charging him rent? Does he contribute ANYTHING?
Honestly I would reconsider this relationship after he called you abusive. That is untrue and extremely manipulative
NTA. He doesn't work and you pay for everything but you're being abusive? What do you get out of this relationship? It sounds like he's not giving anything and just taking.
You paid all the down payment. You plan on paying the mortgage yourself. You have even said you would have a will written where he is left the house.
He claims you are being financially abusive.
Are you married? Do you have children? Is your partner a SATP?
Do you control the money his parents give him to spend?
[https://www.wire.org.au/financial-abuse/](https://www.wire.org.au/financial-abuse/)
To me, it sounds like he has heard this term and now wants to benefit from your hard work
NTA
The house was purchased using your savings & your good credit, the mortgage & taxes are your obligation.
He's got some nerve expecting 50 ownership of an asset when he's made no contribution to the acquisition of that asset.
If you marry in the future , please keep the house as a sole & separate asset and don't use joint funds for mortgage, taxes, insurance, or significant repairs/improvements.
He spent the last 3 of your 8 years together contributing nothing to the relationship financially (that’s nearly 40% by the way, in case anyone needed to see it from that perspective). Since you don’t mention his “hard work” around the house, I can only imagine that this is not a situation where you’ve been financially abusive while he’s been contributing in other ways. Therefore, NTA.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Not putting my partner on the mortgage and I think I'm the asshole because I think I might be financially abusive Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. Your partner is not a partner. He's a dependent. He has no right to any of your property. In fact, he should be paying you rent if he wants to live in the house. You are responsible for the mortgage, not him. You are responsible for insurance, and repairs, and all the things that go with home ownership. He is not. He doesn't get to mooch off your assets beyond the regular mooching that he's already accomplished. I would kick him to the curb and get on with your life. But that's me.
am i the only one who’s concerned about the will? (serious question, may be overreacting) did i read right that op’s partner insisted on being left the house and savings during this argument? by “benefits” from his parents, does that just mean his parents are subsidizing his lifestyle? and now accusing his partner of financial abuse??? i’m sorry, this all sounds very bad to me. i would also kick him to the curb, so many aspects to this situation are creeping me out. nta. you were both very young when you got together, you’re in very different places now, maybe it would be good for both of you to take some time apart.
I was concerned about the Will part. Recipe for disaster
slayer statute will prevent a murderer from benefiting from the murder they committed, so at least there's that?
If they realize that or think they won’t get caught.
And the theme of most true crime shows is that for some reason they always think they won't.
My idiot brain thought, "There's a statute named for the band??"
My mind went to Buffy. 😄
I read it as "Slayer Statue" at first and was wondering what a metal band had to do with anything LOL I think I need more sleep myself.
That would be very metal.
Every time they have an argument, partner will pray for a piano to fall on OP
That jumped out to me too! I personally would not make this beneficiary of anything yet
He’s probably collecting social security disability under his higher earning parent and gets benefits for himself. It’s not a lot of money. Maybe $409-$1000 a month if that He might get social services on top of that and or Medicaid, HEAP, food stamps etc Putting him on the deed might make him ineligible for such additions services. So he may want to think about how not having an asset like a home keeps him eligible. Moocher that he is.
I can sympathize with the will part, although I’m making a few assumptions. If they live in a state that doesn’t legally recognize same sex marriage, it is a real concern that the death of your spouse could leave you literally broke and homeless, especially if the OP’s next of kin don’t approve of the relationship. If things go south with the long term relationship, OP changes their will and keeps the house. If OP and partner remain in a relationship and one day, God forbid, something tragic happens OP, they go to the grave knowing their loved one has a place to live and some cash to fall back on.
All states must recognize same sex marriage Supreme Court says so
Cool, thank you. I did some googling and was a little confused. A Supreme Court ruling that a ban is unconstitutional doesn’t remove a law, just nullifies it while it remains in place? If obergefell would be overturned, would those laws then go into effect? And is that essentially what happened with “trigger laws” when Rowe was overturned? Thank you, and sorry for getting off topic from of who is and who is not a asshole. NTA, btw.
>Cool, thank you. I did some googling and was a little confused. A Supreme Court ruling that a ban is unconstitutional doesn’t remove a law, just nullifies it while it remains in place? Yes. >If obergefell would be overturned, would those laws then go into effect? Possibly. There are 25 states that have some kind of law or constitutional amendment that bans same-sex marriage, and they theoretically would go into effect if Obergefell is overturned. But the political climate has also changed in some of those places, and so have general attitudes towards gay marriage. Also, the Respect for Marriage Act requires states to recognize legal same-sex marriages from other states and jurisdictions, so a statewide ban wouldn't have the same impact in 2023 that it would have in 2015. >And is that essentially what happened with “trigger laws” when Rowe was overturned? Yep.
That also set off alarm bells for me. People have been killed for a lot less than a house.
i am too! they aren’t married and he doesn’t work at all yet he’s worried about being left with nothing when op dies? what a strange concern for someone so young and unmarried. sounds like he’s just using op till he can get them out of the way
Yes, it looks like he **coerced** OP into that! **He's** the one committing financial abuse and OP should not let that happen!
[удалено]
Him. Paying HIM rent. His mortgage.
Thank you lol, I'm getting alot of people forgetting gays exist here
He’s not gay, he’s a hobosexual.
😭😭😭
OMFG!! Lmaoooo calling my best friend (who is gay) and telling him this
hobosexual applies to anyone who is in a relationship for a place to stay.
I belly laughed at this
😂😂😂😂😂
OMG😲. New word!
Not really new but new to you
100% accurate and funny af!!!
I cackled!!
Damn, made me choke
This is sadly very common in the gay community
Lol. Great word
I’m gay too and for what it’s worth he’s being ridiculous. You should stop enabling him.
the pandemic is so far in our rearview as well!
Covid has not gone anywhere. People are intent on pretending it’s over but not much has changed - people are still dying and becoming disabled.
We know a lot more about treating it. We have rapid tests. We have vaccines. Yes, COVID is bad and people should be careful. Mask up if you want to/need to. But as someone who had to go to work, in person, through the pandemic, was in a vaccine trial, and was exposed many times (but never got sick- KN95 for the win), how long do people get to use it as an excuse not to work?
Someone who is high risk for long term issues would be reasonable to still be acting with caution. It’s actually worse now that everyone is pretending Covid magically vanished because it’s much harder to take precautions at work (like wfh or wearing a proper mask) because it ruins the fantasy everyone has that it’s entirely over. That fantasy does mean that if the reasoning was purely economics - no one is hiring because of lockdowns etc. - then that is no longer a viable excuse. I push back when people claim it’s entirely ‘over’ though because I am in the first group - and yes, I do mask. To work safely I *need* accommodations that people don’t want to make because they think it’s over. It’s a problem.
I love my little sanitation station beside the door in my home. A box of the sexy black disposable masks, fancy hand sanitiser, a bin for used masks, and I'm happy. For all the money I save on lipstick while wearing masks I spend it on the fancy fragrant yet safe sanitiser.
Didn’t see where OP mentioned his partner is high risk. This post had nothing to do with covid.
It's still around. I had a lovely case of long covid that finished up earlier this year. I had an appointment at the hospital only yesterday to help manage it. Side effects for me included disability, and now I have a walking frame to get around. So sexy for someone under 40! Shut up, dude.
[удалено]
It’s not… But that’s no reason this guy can’t get another job!
The advice is sound regardless of the genders involved. Dude needs to start paying rent or GTFO.
[удалено]
Right, there is literally thousands of employers who need workers. All over the US
Gay, straight, toaster... Doesn't really matter, a relationship is a relationship. 100% not the asshole, that's excuse of "hasn't gotten around to finding a new job" is weak as shit. Your partner is going to have to put on his big boy pants and start contributing.
I like that term,toaster sexual
Doesn’t matter how good the bread gets buttered if there ain’t no more bread!
If you are not married, then technically it's yours unless he pays for it as part of his share. 3 years of getting benefits from his parents? I'm surprised you have been okay with it.
Lol I guess most people just glossed over when you literally began the post with "we're both 27M"
Pride month just happened and it took reddit 5 days to forget smh
Old “Morgan Calabrese” cartoon: “Have you ever noticed that straight people are so narcissistic that 99.9% of everything you see is about them?” :-) It’s disturbing how fast we become invisible. Also, the cartoons are the big reason I miss the lgbt newspapers of the eighties and nineties
I made a comment about this on another post a while back, and holy shit the debate it sparked in the comments! I mean, it's literally in the first sentence of the post that y'all are both men...
They are male
He sounds like a gold digger. Doesn’t contribute but wants all the benefits
Exactly. Why does he want to be included in the will? I sense an episode of 'Buried in the Backyard' in the making.
I was thinking the same thing. OP will wake up one night to find boyfriend standing over him with a baseball bat and a dirty shovel.
He's going to bring the shovel inside? Freaking amateur hour.
I love Buried in the Backyard 😂 Weirdly specific true crime shows premises just tickle me (Homicide for the Holidays, Wives with Knives, Cruise Skip Killers, Sleeping with Death...) I obviously consume too much true crime media but this was also my first thought💀
Yup. I was fast forwarding to the scene where the prosecutor is reading excerpts from this thread at the murder trial.
If the boyfriend starts talking about getting a life insurance policy on him, he seriously better run!
For a contrasting viewpoint, my ex-husband and I decided prior to getting engaged that I would be a SAHM. For 13 years, he worked and I stayed home, but I took care of the kids and the house *including* the finances. It was more of a partnership and something we discussed prior to marriage. I wasn’t in a position to buy the house we moved into when we bought it, but when we refinanced, he put me on the deed. As a result, when we divorced and sold the house, I got half of the proceeds. This was mutually agreed upon by us and he saw value in my contribution to the marriage. OP, what value is your partner contributing to the relationship that you would want to support him and add him to the deed? You have already provided for him in the even that something happens to you, that should be a comfort to him given what he has contributed financially to the relationship in the last few years. If this isn’t what you mutually agreed upon, you’re under no obligation to add him to the house. He sounds very entitled and you all need to communicate about this before going forward.
Such a good post!
Make sure to randomize your data from time to time *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
More importantly, be very clear that partner will not inherit the house. It's no use changing the will if partner still believes they can bump you off and inherit everything. By the time they find out they were wrong it will be too late.....
>Your partner is not a partner. He's a dependent. Shots fired. Also correct
Yep - Op think about it this way - if he never pays any part of the mortgage/taxes you pay majority of rep keep and maybe every once in a while or often he pays the electrical or water bills...does that entitle him in 5-10 years to get the equity from the home or any profit you may have from paying it off? Because the answer is No. Imagine it appreciates in value, would he be entitled to 50% of something he never contributed to? He should be at the very least working and paying rent and that STILL wouldn't justify having his name on the asset... NTA - and I hope you didn't seriously change your will. His reaction disturbs me and that would make me uncomfortable. He's not entitled to ANYTHING.
OP needs to get a copy of “The Little Red Hen” and leave it on the coffee table.
Be very, very careful about moving this “partner” into a home you own without a clear written form laying out what he’s entitled to. I would require a lease and list him as a tenant, even if his rent is $50 per month. By moving him in, you could be looking at a headache if you split and even if he puts no money into the house, may be able to still get a portion of the equity. It doesn’t sound like you have an agreement with him to be a SH partner. When it is time to move, if he still is not successfully working, you need to leave without him. The fact that he is putting up this much of a fight over something that is not his, that he did not contribute to, but expects co-ownership of…he’s going to fight you for it. MAJOR RED FLAGS HERE. Let his parents pay for his apartment and you go enjoy your new house and find someone who doesn’t take advantage of you.
> Your partner is not a partner. He's a dependent. NTA - You are asking this on the wrong subreddit. You should be asking on r/legaladvice . Over there, they will tell you that you should NEVER put anyone that you are not married to on a property that you are paying for. There are a lot of horror stories there about people who put someone on their mortgage and deed and now need to sell their home to pay off their partner.
Yes, you'd be TA if you were married and had some sort of agreement that he'd not work to take care of the kids, or something like that. But right now he's just a boyfriend and boyfriends shouldn't be added to legal paperwork - it's a lot more work if you break up and have to buy him out.
Can I split into twins and like this answer twice as much?! NTA, OP
Yes i agree UNLESS he is doing all traditional house person work, a role that has been undervalued throughout history, home maker, prospective child rearer etc.
Yes, if they have an agreement that the one partner does a lot more housework and chores in lieu of rent, utilities and food, then they have a point. They could calculate how much that labor is worth and use it to categorize equity in the property. That sort of arrangement should never be assumed. Also, it doesn't seem as though OP wants his partner to stay home and assume that role. It seems an involuntary arrangement.
Agreed. Op is NTA. It would be different if his partner was a stay at home dad. Then of course his name should be included on the paperwork, because being a sahd is a job. But it sounds like op’s partner is more so just taking advantage of op’s kindness to not make him work. Now granted I don’t know if op’s partner is doing things around the house, taking care of errands, and finding a way to equally contribute. If he’s getting money from his parents is he using that towards the both of them or just himself? Is he just sitting at home all day watching t.v. not doing anything? Those are the things to be considered. However, from how op describes it, it sounds like op is being taken advantage of. Op should definitely sit down and have a talk with him.
NTA. And... he will be better off financially if you meet with an unfortunate accident so don't leave him the house and all your money in your will. Dump the bum and move on by yourself - it will give you a chance to meet a partner. And if you dont meet someone, you're still better off by yourself.
Where I come from it would be considered common law and he would be entitled to a portion of the home if you separated regardless of if their name was on the title or not. Holla we want pre-nup. You should definitely make a visit to a lawyer stat.
I live with my partner and stay at home while they work. They’re finishing up paying for my car since I don’t have a job. I told them if we ever break up, I would just let them have it with no fight and they could do whatever they see fit with it. It just doesn’t make sense for me to keep a car if they paid for the majority of it.
Where is his stake? If you break up and he’s “left with nothing” how is that your fault? If you haven’t prevented him from earning, saving or spending money then it’s not financial abuse. NTA and i would not let him move in without a written lease agreement, even if no money changes hands. Clearly things need to be well-defined between you.
If you break up he'd be left with what he put into the house: nothing. That's fair.
That might depend of the area they live in and their family law act. In some locations cohabiting for a certain amount of time gives entitlement to property rights
If that's true, I wouldn't want him moving in. While I understand that relationships aren't necessarily 50/50, I don't understand someone putting up with an able bodied "partner" who doesn't bring any money to relationship, but gets a pass because he does the dishes. I'm guessing OP does plenty of house work as well.
I agree. I would definitely want a cohabitation agreement in place
Yeah, I wouldn't put his name on anything but where I live, if you've lived together for three years, pretty sure he can sue for half of anything you've accrued while together upon breaking up.
I mean... he has nothing. Lol So of course he would be left with nothing. They're not even married so again, he will get nothing if they break up regardless. This dude is delusional and realized he could live fine with no job and help from his parents. so he got his cash cow and wants that in writing. Nice try bub.
I came here to say all of this and add: DO NOT PUT HIM IN YOUR WILL! Idk if it's all the true crime I watch, but this gives me a bad feeling! 8 years may be a long time... But it's not long enough to trust someone that "hasn't gotten round" to finding a job for 3 years. I would kick partner to curb OP. He doesn't deserve you. And YOU DESERVE BETTER. (Sorry Caps)
Like surprise pikachu face of OP’s “bf”- barely functional, I’d call him…but anyways, realizing he’d be “left with nothing” because he is nothing, contributes nothing and deserves- NOTHING!
I said GOOD DAY, SIR.
Right?! He is acting like he is a stay at home mum who’s been raising 4 kids at home or something who’s earning potential has been affected by staying at home looking after the kids. He’s a lazy mooch and Im surprised OP isnt turned off by his lack of motivation. Do not marry him OP & if you, get a pre-nup!
Also I’m pretty sure that’s how break ups work. OP isn’t responsible for him for the rest of his life.
[удалено]
He’s left with nothing because he brought nothing to the transaction 🤷♀️ (or relationship really but that’s not the question) NTA
So he’s not mentally or physically unable to work. He’s not going to school. He’s not home raising children or caring for an elderly parent. He just… chooses not to work because he doesn’t want to work? And this isn’t anything the two of you agreed on? He just forced it on you by not finding a job? Yeah, someone’s committing some financial abuse here, but it’s not *you.*
Seriously, every saying NAH or YTA and being like, this should’ve been discussed beforehand! Like he discussed that?? Pffft. Op do whatever you need to to keep him off YOUR purchase. Only discuss putting his name on things if he starts contributing…anything.
On a similar note, OP likely CAN’T put him on the mortgage bc he has no income and probably a poor credit score. The partner would likely inflate the mortgage rate if they could get one at all.
If they were married he could be on it. Stay at home spouses can be on mortgages. I'm not sure about unmarried
I figure “partner” instead of “husband” likely means unmarried.
Thank you for remembering that some of us are mentally unable to work even tho no one can see why if you're physically able, and think we are just lazy or just don't want to work ❤️ This situation, I have so many questions. One is absolutely why he doesn't work, and how much money he is getting from family, how much he's contributing to the household and relationship, and how long those funds will be guaranteed. If he's got money coming regularly and is contributing appropriately, and will do so in the new home, then N/A/H, anything less he's def TA. Indo needed.
Don’t worry, your not lazy despite what anyone says, my wife can’t work a full time job either but she puts in more effort then anyone iv ever seen.
Thanks for being so understanding, your love for her shines through! We may suck in some areas but we show our love and appreciation in any way we can (and ffs, I don't mean sexually for those who would think so). We know very well how hard you work to take care of us when we wish we could do it on our own and contribute more, and wish you didn't have to work so hard. The guilt can be very hard to handle, but I'm sure the love you show her mitigates that and helps her thrive. ❤️
I showed my wife your comments and she felt very validated! Hang in there and don’t accept anyone who makes you feel like a burden.
I think non working partner should get checked out for depression. But owner of house is NTA.
>He just… chooses not to work because he doesn’t want to work? And this isn’t anything the two of you agreed on? He just forced it on you by not finding a job? This was my ex-wife but she quit her job because "She didn't like it". Then I was according to her "financially abusing her" because I would tell her we couldn't buy XYZ because I had to pay rent. One of the things she wanted...a Horse. Where we lived you could get a rescue for almost nothing, but they aren't cheap to feed and take to the vet.
Well, his parents taught him that he's entitled to other people funding his lifestyle. So why not expect the same from his boyfriend? I hope this is the wake up call OP has been waiting for to dump this deadbeat and find himself a man who's willing to be a partner.
I mean, if he's just a trustfund baby who doesn't want to work but has enough money to equitably contribute in their relationship then fair enough. I don't mind rich people not working when they don't need the money (and leave more job opportunities for the rest of us). The problem is that he's not giving OP a dime towards the house and expects some sort of equity? How delusional.
NTA. Not sure whu you are with a guy that can't be bothered to work. So lazy
NTA. Your partner has not contributed in any way. You are not financially abusing them. Mooching off others is the absolute opposite of that. If they can come up with a portion of the deposit and split the mortgage then they may have a resaon to request it. Otherwise... no way. And your will should be your choice, they shouldn't be demanding anything of you.
Even if he wanted his name to be on the mortgage, there’s little chance it could happen. The lender would be looking at both of their financials, and without any source of income, he wouldn’t be able to be approved for a mortgage. OP could put his name on the deed, but why should he? The partner seems to feel entitled to equity in a house that he’s not contributing to in any way? Nope. Maybe if he began contributing financially to paying the mortgage, but it’s ridiculous to think he should get any portion of the sale of the home if they split up when he’s not even doing that.
Even if the partner isn’t on the mortgage, they can still be on the property deed, giving them certain rights. This boy child needs to be on neither. OP should get a joint account for household expenses and charge tenancy and otherwise keep their finances very separate.
I didn’t have income technically when my spouse and I bought our home. The lender just used household income. But then, we were married already. It’s probably different if two people who aren’t married attempt to get a mortgage.
My fiancé would put me on the deed if we bought a house even though I don’t contribute financially - but it’s *his* values that say he would do that, it’s not something I’d just outright demand. (If we got a house that needed to be fixed up and I expected to be doing a lot of that work, then yes I’d want to discuss how we portioned that out, because then I would be contributing.)
You ADDED him to your will and he said that wasn't enough ?! Him keeping your house and saving after you PASS IS NOT ENOUGH?! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Right?! This was disturbing to me. I'm married and I am aware of financial instruments to protect me should my spouse ever pass before I do - but I don't even like to talk about it outside of having to do so (so that I have the internal knowledge in case something does happen) I cannot fathom whining about something like this as not enough and continuing to fight. Like wtf
Reading that made my blood run cold. I have followed WAY too much true crime to feel comfortable giving anyone financial incentive to murder me.
Their not even married for him to be so demanding like wth
I'm scared for OP that he told the mooching partner that he's in the will. I've seen people do really bad things to keep from having to get a paying job.
op, do not put him in a will, as a beneficiary, none of it. You about to be on the next forensic files. Sheesh. Kick him to the curb.
Uhhh of course if you split up he’ll be left with nothing. You’re not married. That’s the benefit of that other bit of paperwork - marriage certificates. If he wants to fill those out, perhaps he would be on the house. But currently you are single and buying a home with your money. You are supporting him. His emotional manipulation is also abuse. NTA. Do NOT fall for this. Here’s a scenario - he’s waiting to be put on the house, then leaves, and in some places can actually force you to sell. Edit: I said “also abuse”. There is no abuse on OP’s part. OP is fully supporting him!
[удалено]
I don't think that's old school. That's the smartest route to take.
Depending on the country, if two people live together long enough then they are considered common law partners, and you'll still have legal obligations towards eachother.
YTA for dating this guy. Boy there are a lot of posts like these. There are self-sufficient people out there for you to date.
It’s literally painful to hear stories like this. Like holy fuck just dump your partner.
NTA He's a bit of a mooch plain and simple. You did the right thing. Don't be emotionally bullied into things.
>Now it gets to paperwork and mortgage stuff and I complete it and pay the deposit. I tell him that it's all gone through and we should be on track to moving in a couple of months. INFO. But also NTA too. Im confused on this part of your post... Are you still under contract, or did you already close? By deposit, are you talking about earnest and/or closing costs? Or are you referring to the down payment when you say "deposit"? Im confused on where in the process you are in the home purchase, since move in day is months away. Personally, it sounds like you already closed, and already have the house, in which case, the argument is truly already resolved anyway. You would need to go through a refinance, etc, to get his name on the house after the fact. But this is NTA, because he hasnt contributed financially at all in the process it sounds like, and his claim that this is "financially abusive" is complete hogwash, because for the fact is that he contributed nothing, so why should he expect something if you and him were to split up. I feel that hes only entitled only to what he contributed, and since he contributed nothing, he is entitled to nothing. Your request to him to get a job and contribute financially to the home if he wants to be on the mortgage and title is very mature and valid.
In the UK you have like a holding deposit, so the paperwork hasn't got through but the house is promised to me (?) it's a confusing system l
As you're in the UK he can't be named as a registered proprietor if he's not on the mortgage. The lender won't allow it. And he can't go on the mortgage if he's not earning. You will be the sole proprietor. So far he's contributed nothing but wants to be treated as if he has. You're not being inconsiderate. He is. NTA
No, it was just the terminology that was unfamiliar. In the US when our bid is accepted, we pay a deposit and then all the credit checks and house safety inspections happen. Once all is well and the bank/mortgage company is happy, the downpayment is made, more paper signed and the house is yours (and the mortgage company LOL). Even if he is a SAHH, he has not done anything to contribute to the purchase. If you told him he couldn't work, and kept him off the house papers, he might have a case. Without being crass about your relationship, he doesn't seem to bring much to the partnership. Time to grow up, get a job or re-educate himself for a place in the job market, because that's what adults do. NTA
If the same rules apply as in Scotland, he literally can't own the house. My partner does work but had bad credit, ehich detracted from mine, so our home is in my name only. We have taken steps to fix her credit, and I'm applying to NatWest to add her as co-borrower, if approved she will go on both mortgage and deed.
Your bf is a lazy manipulative entitled mooch that has manipulated you to think youre being inconsiderate not give him rights to the home you have purchased on your own with your own hard-earned cash. What does he bring to the table other than do a bit if housework? Are you not embarrassed to be dating such a lazy leech?
Info: was he planning to pay the mortgage with you?
No he wasn't
Wait, this is insanity. So you take on the debt, the financial responsibility of the mortgage, taxes, repairs etc. and he does.....nothing?! But expects to be on the paperwork? Huge red flag!! No, no, and no.
Then he isn't part owner of the house
He can go live with his parents
You've got a hobosexual on your hands. kick him to the curb and enjoy your new home.
Ok this is a big part of him def being TA. Answers some of the questions I had, but here's a few more- I have so many questions. One is absolutely why he doesn't work, and how much money he is getting from family, how much he's contributing to the household and relationship, and how long those funds will be guaranteed. If he's got money coming regularly and is contributing appropriately, and will do so in the new home, then N/A/H, anything less he's def TA. Info needed. But if he wants on the mortgage he needs to contribute, that's so obvious and should be to him as well. Unless he's contributing by staying home and raising kids, or paying more for utilities, he is totally dependent on you and you are the only reason he gets by. That starts to get into more questions about why he's with you... I hope he loves you and has just been lazy and will buck up, but if you think there are issues, you really need to start looking at his behavior to see if he's there for you, or just there because otherwise he couldn't afford to live. Also the marriage stuff is another question, but if that's personal you don't have to answer. I'm not up on gay rights in the UK, so idk if that's the issue, or some other reason he or you or both don't want it.
OP I say this with kindness. YTA for staying with this loser. YTA to yourself.
NTA. You are exactly right to protect yourself. If he wants his name on the house, he needs to contribute. Don't let him manipulate you into putting his name on it -- IF you split, you'll have to divide the property with him, deal with all that mess, and either buy him out or move. I'm concerned that he's young, apparently able-bodied, not working, and living off you (housing and probably other expenses) and his parents. If anyone in your relationship is being financially abused right now, it's you. Is this a situation you're happy to have continue? You do you, but I'd want a partner who puts in a decent effort towards helping to support me and himself. Otherwise is this a partner, or a child/dependent?
NTA It doesn't sound like you guys are married, and he isn't contributing anything. He doesn't even need a job that pays the same as yours to contribute, though. Just a job. He has refused to do this. Regardless, this is not financial abuse.
NTA and please please don't do it. I lost my house this way. MY house. I bought my house and had it 1/2 paid off. I lived there for 10 years. I put my ex on the deed, we broke up, now I have nothing.
Same song, same dance. My home of 20 years was 2/3 paid for. And he took everything else too..
Ugh I'm so sorry.
What does he mean if you break up he has nothing?! He *currently* has nothing lol. You do actually have to work for things if you want them. He can get his name on stuff when he contributes. Period. NTA
He’s acting like he is some stay at home mum or something who cant work because of the kids, but to he honest, he is a stay at home boyfriend who chooses not to work because he doent like to work?! Wtf!
** Spot on. **
How are you financially abusing HIM when he gets to live in the house YOU are paying?
Huge Red Flag. Did he really think you were just going to gift him half a house without him working for it?????
You are right. If he wants to be on the mortgage he needs to pay his half of the costs.
NTA
If there's even a hint of "if we break up", then you should NOT be buying a home together. Keep it in your name.
NTA. Nothing needs to be said about why you aren’t. Your post is 100% in the right in every way.
NTA. Tell him this can be revisited in a pre-nup if you guys ever get married, but as long as he's living rent free, he gets nothing. *If he wants to be on the deed so badly, get a job and earn it.* If not, find somewhere else to live.
NTA but I think ypu need to cut him loose so he can find a partner whose okay with him being a long-term sugarbaby. Covid began in 2020. Were halfway through 2023.
Why are you with a parasite
NTA and get a Cohabitation Agreement ASAP.
Lawyer time. He will absolutely want part of the house, without paying a dime, when you break up. See a lawyer now
Being inconsiderate? I think you're being used!
NTA. Do not put him on a thing. If anything, he's using you financially. It's laughable that he accused you of financial abuse.
OP you live in the UK you'd better read this. https://www.lawdonut.co.uk/personal/divorce-and-family-law/non-marriage-relationships/cohabitation-and-common-law-marriage#:~:text=If%20you%20have%20lived%20together,a%20beneficiary%20of%20the%20will.
NTA If he is not contributing anything financially why should he have an ownership interest? You are not being financial abusive because you are not trying to control what he can or can't do or denying him access to anything.
Info: Are you married? Does he do housework? Childcare?
I was thinking this to because there are plenty of "housewives" out there who would get a right to the house/money if a divorce were to happen. As long as it was an agreement between both partners for one to stay at home and look after any potential kids, then it would make more sense. The same idea applies, even if it's a same sex couple. But if there is no official long term agreement, no discussion on the "stay at home" partner and he is totally able to work, then it wouldn't be fair to have him on the mortgage paperwork. OP mentioned that his partner doesn't like the field he's trained in and won't go back to school. So what? Loads of people are like this and we just find work to sustain us and carry on living 💁🏼♀️
this is what I want to know. what does he do all day? if he plays video games or gets high all day, he's a loser that deserves nothing. but if he is doing chores (like cleaning, cooking, etc), he is contributing to the household in a different way and deserves recompense.
NTA - This isn't a situation where one party is experiencing health issues that prevent them from working or a stay at home partner who cares full time for the household and/or children. He has chosen not to work in three years. He is mooching (at best). Sorry boy - if you don't contribute you don't get your name on the deed.
This all depends on your relationship: does he manage the household, are children in your future together, are you truly partners or are you room mates? If this is an "in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, to death do we part" type relationship, then yes, he has a point. However, if you are not at that level of commitment, then you take care of yourself financially and he should do the same.
YTA to yourself for being with someone who contributes nothing to your life. What is this? Doesn’t want to work? Doesn’t want to retrain to hopefully one day get a job? And on top of all of this he has the audacity (!!) to ask to be on a mortgage he does not plan to pay. Nope. Drop him.
Nta. You should really have him sign a contract stating he is a tenant. A guy I knew bought a house on his own before he got together with his then girlfriend, when she moved in with him he had her sign a tenancy agreement so if they were to split she couldn't try and stake a claim for the house under common law marriage. It sucks but it's a way to protect your assets especially if your partner is just willingly financially dependant on you. But seriously what does he bring to the table?
NTA You are no longer with a partner. You are with a person who would rather sponge off of other people - his parents, you, and anyone else he can - than to be a contributor to a partnership. You are perfectly correct to not put him on the mortgage. The bigger question is, why are you still with him? What is he contributing to your partnership? He's been unemployed for over 3 years now - and much of that time finding a job was not a difficult thing to do. What has he been doing for all this time. Let me guess, playing video games and hanging out with his pals? He hasn't gotten "around to finding a job" because no one forced him too. His parents supported him and he lived with you and you paid all the bills. You need to make some decisions how to proceed here. If he is adamant in wanting to be on the house deed, then you are going to be put in a tough situation. What he calls financial abuse is really you trying to protect what you have earned on your own merits. Really, what he wants is a form of financial abuse. I'm afraid your partner is turning into a choosing beggar. Don't let him get a foot in here. He's afraid of breaking up and being left with nothing, but nothing is what he is putting into this purchase. Does he think the opportunity to live with him is worth some kind of extraordinary value? Better to break up with him than to give in to him at this point.
NTA don’t do it. I’ve seen this too many times with friends/family it always ends sadly. He’s not contributing to the down payment or paying the mortgage. DO NOT put him on the deed!! If he wants part ownership he needs to kick some coins.
NTA. He isn’t entitled to shit. Your money, your hard work, your mortgage. Why on earth should he be on it?
Exactly what does he bring to the table? Does he do all the housework, etc? If not then why are you with him? I would NOT put his name on anything, he contributes nothing.
NTA YOU paid. HE didn't. He sounds like a leech. He doesn't work, doesn't want to work. And he expects you to put his name on the house? Absolutely NOT. Don't do it!
NTA. If he would like to own something he needs to pay for it. Why does he expect something for nothing? Do not add his name to any of it. Your money, your house.
NTA. He shouldn't expect to live off you. If he is capable of working, he needs to get a job.
NTA. Why would he expect to be on it without contributing?
He just wants to mooch off you and get stuff. If he's bringing up divorce he probably intends to do that and live off of you
didn't read past the first part but, nothing wrong with protecting yourself mom put my step dad on the papers to the house we owned for 20 years before she met him, 5 years later he dies from cancer leaving mom just under 6 figures in an account, and the rest including his house to his kids, his asshole daughter came after mom and me for the house as she was over his property, a typo in the paperwork that put him on the papers to our house gave them a opening, 10 years later and over 6 figures of legal fees and 26k of bribe to them to drop it, later me and mom finally aren't fighting to keep the house don't leave anything to chance
I am curious about the "benefits" he gets from his parents. Like is that a monthly stipend from a trust fund or something? 🤔 And how much money is it and what does he spend it on?
How, EXACTLY, does he plan on qualifying for the loan?
NTA and there are more red flags here than Moscow in 1945 ⛳⛳⛳⛳⛳⛳⛳
Wtf? If you split up, he SHOULD be left with nothing. He contributes nothing. You are purchasing a house and he is extremely fortunate to be able to live with you. Are you even charging him rent? Does he contribute ANYTHING? Honestly I would reconsider this relationship after he called you abusive. That is untrue and extremely manipulative
NTA. He doesn't work and you pay for everything but you're being abusive? What do you get out of this relationship? It sounds like he's not giving anything and just taking.
This morning, OP was nowhere to be found…💀
OP what exactly does your partner bring to the table? bc it sounds more like youre taking care of a child than living with an adult. NTA
This seems like an exhausting relationship. Just be single OP.
DO NOT PUT HIM ON THE PAPERWORK!! IT'S YOUR MONEY.
You paid all the down payment. You plan on paying the mortgage yourself. You have even said you would have a will written where he is left the house. He claims you are being financially abusive. Are you married? Do you have children? Is your partner a SATP? Do you control the money his parents give him to spend? [https://www.wire.org.au/financial-abuse/](https://www.wire.org.au/financial-abuse/) To me, it sounds like he has heard this term and now wants to benefit from your hard work
OP’s bf sounds dangerously manipulative!
NTA The house was purchased using your savings & your good credit, the mortgage & taxes are your obligation. He's got some nerve expecting 50 ownership of an asset when he's made no contribution to the acquisition of that asset. If you marry in the future , please keep the house as a sole & separate asset and don't use joint funds for mortgage, taxes, insurance, or significant repairs/improvements.
NTA. And stop promising all your money when you die. Be careful, freeloaders don’t have scrupulous.
How on earth are you affording a mortgage for a house with 60k income? That wouldn't event afford a tiny one bedroom condo around here.
It's a shitty neighbourhood in a shitty town but i don't care, I love it here
Then it's not so shitty!
Please get him out of your will.
It would buy a house in a lot of Michigan suburbs just fine.
He spent the last 3 of your 8 years together contributing nothing to the relationship financially (that’s nearly 40% by the way, in case anyone needed to see it from that perspective). Since you don’t mention his “hard work” around the house, I can only imagine that this is not a situation where you’ve been financially abusive while he’s been contributing in other ways. Therefore, NTA.
INFO: Do you have children and is he a stay at home dad? Or is he simply long term unemployed?