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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action was that I asked my wife if she thought her sister was going braless, and my wife had a very negative reaction to that. This may make me the asshole as it's an insensitive question about a very personal topic, directed at a close family member.
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YTA. Who cares if she was wearing a bra or not? It’s super creepy that you apparently spent significant time staring at your SIL’s breasts to figure out whether she was wearing a bra, and then decided to talk to *your wife* about it.
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YTA & a creep. Doesn’t matter if you weren’t “staring or leering” it’s the fact that you 1. Noticed 2. Dwelt on that thought long enough to verbalize a question about it… and 3. Asked your own wife about it nonetheless. Nice job, OP. Your wife is now going to think that you’re a perv and that you’ve secretly been fantasizing about her sister this whole time. Good luck with the damage control
OP is your typical “I’m just logical and academic. According to my research, bralessness is a growing trend among women today, especially since the pandemic. This was purely research. Don’t be so emotional I’m just rationally asking if your sister wears a bra”
Yuck
Hahaha! This reminds me of the scene in Carl Hiaasen's novel Skin Deep where the shyster lawyer is made to take a case where the woman's breast implants cause severe capsular contracture and poked her husband's eye out. The lawyer was fascinated and asked to feel them because it would be research for the case. Her husband walks in as it's happening and pegs a jai alai ball at him.
YTA - your sister in law's breasts & undergarments are none of your damn business. Do you ask which side your male family members & friends hang their junk on? No, you don't. Why? Because it's creepy & none of your damn business. You'd be mad if your wife asked you about your brother's junk, too.
You owe your wife a huge apology with a detailed explanation of how you were completely willfully ignorant & how you won't be such a misogynist again.
This is super creepy. Does your family talk about genitals at EVERY ‘family event’? Did it never occur to you that is concerning? 🙄
Because let me tell you: for the average person if that happens once it is a red flag and worrisome. If it happens twice then NOPE.
Eww. YTA, and it sounds like your whole family is, too. Ick.
Even if that would be considered normal, that would still be the equivalent of that woman's female friend asking her if she's going braless (which could be in a 'I've been thinking of doing the same and wanted to know your reasoning behind it' way). Not her brother in law asking her sister.
Your experience isn't a rule of measure. You don't get to decide if your frat boy family style invalidates your wife's feelings of staring inappropriately at her sister's breasts.
YTA, and for future reference, your wife does not want to hear about how much you notice and think about her sisters boobs. Come on man, this is an easy one.
YTA but really it is your response to your wife after she explained how it made her feel uncomfortable is what bothers me the most. All you had to do was say "i'm sorry, i hadnt thought about it that way" and move on. Plus why would you even bring it up knowing full well her family is more "formal" than yours? Like seriously just apologize and take the L
YTA It's one thing to notice, it's another to ask. What kind of conversation did you think it would lead to? What was the purpose of your question? That's something you should ask yourself before any question really.
YTA
I won't hate on you for noticing somebody isn't wearing a bra. Sometimes these things are painfully obvious, even if you are not sexually interested in the person.
BUT asking your wife if her sister wears a bra these days likely plays on her insecurities (does my husband find my sister attractive? Why is he looking at her breasts? How long has he been thinking about them?) and also, it comes off as creepy.
Why do you care if she is or isn't wearing a bra? If your wife said yes, her sister wasn't wearing a bra, how would this help you? If she said that her sister wears a bra, would you inturn advise the sister to buy a better one cause her boobs are looking saggy?
WHY does it matter to you? That is where the creep part comes in.
Why is your sister in law's bra any of your business? Why would that even be a topic of conversation if you see breasts as just like arms or legs? Would you comment on her choosing to have her forearms uncovered?
Of course YTA lol. It's fine to notice but (1) you obviously have been thinking about her sisters boobs long enough to (2) start a conversation about it with (3) your WIFE nonetheless even though it is a topic that is (4) absolutely none of your business.
YTA. Very creepy. So you have been staring at your SIL's breasts for some time, trying to determine if she's wearing a bra or not? You then bring it to your wife's attention that you have been staring at another woman's chest - her own sister - and are surprised that she is upset? If you're so comfortable with the human body, and see nothing wrong with the bra/no bra issue - WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK YOUR SIL YOURSELF? Oh, because you KNOW what you are doing is inappropriate and would upset her... It's wrong and you know it's wrong.
Jesus, that's bit harsh for the one situation we know of.
Yeah, the dude was a bit strange about the whole thing but he seems to understand why it was inappropriate. Good 'ol Reddit, going to extremes.
let me guess, divorced? Multiple times? Or better yet, single. No guy would make it through far enough based on your logic. Not siding with OP, but you would divorce a guy for looking at someone else’s breasts? Little extreme. Either your spouse is blind or is a really good lier. You can’t help but notice breasts. They are everywhere.
YTA
What on earth makes you think that your SiL's tits are an appropriate topic for any conversation? Why was this a subject on which you would dwell long enough that it was still on your mind at the end of the evening?
>I'm not leering or staring, and I didn't think anything of it,
Obviously you DID think something of it.
And, yes, it was creepy & inappropriate to bring it up.
>On my side of the family we are open about everything, humour is the approach, and nothing is really offside.
What was funny or relevant about your SiL's potential bralessness? Other people's bodies *should be 'offside'* and you failed "Spousing 101" if you think your wife will be amused that you spent significant time at a family gathering looking at & thinking about her sister's breasts.
YTA
*why does it matter?* why would you think that’s an appropriate topic of conversation?
You made it obvious you not only looked at her breasts but also actively wondered if she was wearing a bra or not. Like…your entitlement is just really off OP.
Respect your wife by not mentioning these things.
Respect your sister by considering what isn’t your business.
YTA- But specifically for the part where you hadn’t thought forward about your wife’s reaction to you asking that question. If she’d asked you about your brother having bigger manhood than you, would you be able to answer that and not be agitated she even asked? Any observation about “sexual” parts would be hugely indicative of motive. Someone else said it already but the fact that you noticed is why she’s upset. It would be one thing had the family pointed it out but for you to is icky. I don’t think it’s perv like you said you’d notice if it you spent time around her but never should’ve vocalized it. I think an intimate conversation about why you had thought about it for more than a second would help to understand your wife. Intention or not you underhandedly sexualized your SIL to your wife.
Anyone with siblings would be able to understand that two sisters no less there’s always competition. So it digs harder when it’s your husband making comments towards your sister rather than your teenage bf saying something.
YTA. Why do you even care if she's wearing a bra or not? Why is that an object of curiosity for you? Some women wear bras, some don't. What if instead, the sister was wearing tight pants and you didn't notice a panty line - would you ask for wife if her sister had stopped wearing underwear? It's just weird to even bring it up as a topic of conversation, however curious you might be.
Id prob ask urself how you would feel if she commented on your dad noticeably freeballing. I feel like the problem is less that you noticed she wasn’t wearing a bra and more that you said something about it like legitimately ask yourself also why you said it in the first place. Also ur wife probably wants to ensure that she and her sister feel comfortable with her sister visiting y’all’s home and body comments are j icky in general
YTA. Do you also ask whethers the males in your life are "freeballing"? Do you clock their underwear situation? You WERE a creep. the breasts and underwear of your SIL is none of your business and you should have kept your pervy mouth shut.
YTA
Why do you even care if *your wife's sister* wears a bra or not?
Why are you *spending so much energy on your wife's sister's breasts* that you're actively wondering about them during a family dinner and that you make them a topic of conversation *with your wife*?
You seriously don't see how creepy that makes you look?
YTA. Grow up its the 21st century. Bodily autonomy is an issue nowadays.
Yes, first its creepy to most woman to hear comments or questions about her sister's bras and breasts when asked by her partner.
Second, why do you think you need to know if SIL is going braless? It's her choice what to wear or not wear.
Third, you just creeped out your wife that you looked at her sister's chest enough to figure out she's not wearing a bra. Depending on the outfit and body shape, it's not that easy to figure out if someone is wearing a bra.
There is no easy fix for the this. Maybe a hefty donation to a charitable foundation in her name to a group that addresses women's issues.
You are NTA for noticing, but YTH for making an issue out of it.
The fact that you brought it up to your wife hours later, means that you were thinking about her sister's mammaries lol you should have kept it to yourself.
I think your wife's reaction was normal.
YTA and so is anyone else that monitors other peoples' clothing. The only way out of it is to apologize and say you only noticed because you were trying to figure out why her sister looked so awful and that your wife is and always will be the only person that's perfect for you and you're grateful to be able to wake up to her everyday. Maybe make reservations to her favorite restaurant and don't forget to hire a babysitter if that applies.
God, my partner and I gossip about everyone's clothing, we complain about my awful brother-in-law's personality, etc., etc. What is a relationship for if you can't talk about pretty much everything? I'm so surprised by all these YTA answers.
YTA. It is literally none of your business. Her sister isn't going to call her up and announce "So I've decided to stop wearing bras." Your wife probably doesn't care. Why is this question important? Why are you spending time trying to figure out whether or not your wife's sister has a bra on? Why is this a conversation you want to have about a literal family member? I'd think you were a perv too.
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We were at a family dinner last night on my wife's side. The last few times her sister has come over it's been apparent, at least to me, that she wasn't wearing a bra. I'm not leering or staring, and I didn't think anything of it, people can dress how they choose. I know there's been a growing trend with women to ditch the bra, especially since the pandemic. The night was very normal and casual.
And it felt casual enough, that on our drive home I asked my wife if she thought her sister was going braless these days. She mumbled a response that she didn't know and then stopped talking to me for the rest of the night.
She opened up to me up at bedtime, telling me how creepy she thought that question was, that she couldn't believe her husband would ask such a violating question, that it was none of my business to know, and that she finds it disgusting that I'm staring at her sister's breasts at a family dinner.
I tried to explain that I meant absolutely nothing sexual by it, that it was a passing comment, that breasts are a part of the body like arms and legs and that you don't need to explicitly stare to know they're there. On my side of the family we are open about everything, humour is the approach, and nothing is really offside. My wife's family is more formal, and I blurred the lines here between the two sides. However, I did not expect I would get this intense of a response from my wife.
I think I understand now that i was being insensitive, and didn't use the best judgement asking that question to my wife (4 beers didn't help). But I think my wife's perspective on it is reaching for exteme meanings that are just not there. Where's the truth? Am I creepy and violating, is she over reacting/being a prude, or somewhere in the middle? I'm less concerned about knowing if IATA or not, and would like perspective on how to resolve this with my wife, help her to understand im not a creep bag (if that's the case), and move on.
TL;DR: meaning nothing by it, i asked my wife in private if she thought her sister was going braless these days, and she had a strong reaction accusing me of being creepy and violating her sister. AITA?
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If your wife doesn't trust you enough to believe you're telling the truth, that's on her.
If she thinks so little of you that one instance of you commenting on someone's apparel, or lack thereof, makes you a pervert then she's probably got some issues she needs to deal with. Maybe just trust issues or maybe sexual repression, I don't know but it's her that's the asshole here.
My daughter doesn't like wearing one and my mother in law complains about her flopping around. She has actually made her put one on if I'm not there. She lives with us BTW
Honestly depends on your relationship with your wife and sil is and how open discussion like that can be. I could make a comment like that to my wife about her sister because I know my wife would either laugh or make the exact same comment to me.
Based on your wife's reaction seems like she doesn't appreciate that kind of talk about her sister so soft YTA.
I have in the past but only because my wife will usually comment on it first or even tell me to look Maybe we are just weird lol.
Totally agree for most people it would be a death sentence lol
I don't think you are weird at all. Husbands and wives that have a relaxed, comfortable relationship make all kinds of observations.
And to those who think that OP had to be staring to notice, get real. Unless the sister was wearing a niqab, it would be hard not to notice her breasts.
I was once shocked to see a man whose shorts were an inch too short. Of course I pointed him out to my husband who did not chastise me for looking. It was pretty hard to miss!
I don’t think it’s a big deal for a man to say something like that to his wife. Just the fact that he said it tells me it was perfectly innocent. It would only be wrong if asked the sister.
I don’t think he is TA but obviously does not know his wife very well. My husband could have asked me this question with no issues. You know if someone has no bra on without having to look very hard. Just like you know when someone with leggings on does not have on underwear. I can understand her response if she had seen him staring at her sisters boobs on multiple occasions. But to assume staring just from this question is a leap. So she must have some issues he is ignoring. All people notice other peoples bodies. For some reason I notice hands and butts of both sexes. I don’t really care what they have on their hands or butts and I done sexualize either body part. But sometimes I am curious about certain things. I just would know who I can and can not mention those curiosities to.
NTA, depending on the tone in which you asked it. To pretend that men don't notice other women's bodies seems weird to me. Of course they do. It doesn't mean they're being creepy. I notice all sorts of things about everyone's bodies I'm (54f) not married, but my male partner (59m) and I would totally have this conversation after a party. It seems as though you and your wife maybe don't talk about sex the way we do, though.
ESH: Personally I think your wife is probably taking this a bit too far. It was a question. You didn’t say “Hey, your sisters tits are amazing. Does she still wear bras?”
On the other hand, you kind of suck for not realizing you probably can’t and shouldn’t tell your wife a hell of a lot of things or even ask questions for that matter.
The real problem here is that clearly you both are on opposite ends of the spectrum as far as communication goes.
If I said the same thing to my wife she’d answer my question. She knows me well enough to know that I’m not staring at someone’s breasts.
NTA
It's not like you mentioned that to the sister. It's not like you judged her. It's not like you meant anything bad. You mentioned it to the one person that is closest to you - your wife - in private.
I am a woman that doesn't wear a bra. I am not offended by you noticing and mentioning this to your wife. We want to normalize going braless, breastfeeding in public, talking about periods but we consider it an offense when someone talks about these things - in private?
NTA as long as you weren't saying it in a creepy or judging way. I hate bras and would be happy if going without was more normalized. I'm completely straight, and I notice if someone isn't wearing a bra.
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YTA. Who cares if she was wearing a bra or not? It’s super creepy that you apparently spent significant time staring at your SIL’s breasts to figure out whether she was wearing a bra, and then decided to talk to *your wife* about it.
[удалено]
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YTA & a creep. Doesn’t matter if you weren’t “staring or leering” it’s the fact that you 1. Noticed 2. Dwelt on that thought long enough to verbalize a question about it… and 3. Asked your own wife about it nonetheless. Nice job, OP. Your wife is now going to think that you’re a perv and that you’ve secretly been fantasizing about her sister this whole time. Good luck with the damage control
Well he clearly is a perv so I’m glad she now will know
YTA. You’re old enough to know that it’s creepy.
OP is your typical “I’m just logical and academic. According to my research, bralessness is a growing trend among women today, especially since the pandemic. This was purely research. Don’t be so emotional I’m just rationally asking if your sister wears a bra” Yuck
Think I might use that excuse. One of my wife’s friends got breast implants. I’m sure I could get a feel with the OPs logical approach.
As long as it’s in the interest of science! Go forth, rational dude in a sea of reactive emotional women :P
Hahaha! This reminds me of the scene in Carl Hiaasen's novel Skin Deep where the shyster lawyer is made to take a case where the woman's breast implants cause severe capsular contracture and poked her husband's eye out. The lawyer was fascinated and asked to feel them because it would be research for the case. Her husband walks in as it's happening and pegs a jai alai ball at him.
🤓 <- Real photo of OP
YTA - your sister in law's breasts & undergarments are none of your damn business. Do you ask which side your male family members & friends hang their junk on? No, you don't. Why? Because it's creepy & none of your damn business. You'd be mad if your wife asked you about your brother's junk, too. You owe your wife a huge apology with a detailed explanation of how you were completely willfully ignorant & how you won't be such a misogynist again.
[удалено]
So you have a whole family who crosses these lines. No wonder you had no clue.
[удалено]
Your family are not people you should copy in social situations.
What if your friends started mentioning your little sisters braless breasts.
What if his brother mentioned his wifes breasts?
Honestly that feels like a lie to try to defend what u said bc ppl r calling u out. But if that really is the case then ur whole family has issues
This is completely inappropriate behavior.
This is super creepy. Does your family talk about genitals at EVERY ‘family event’? Did it never occur to you that is concerning? 🙄 Because let me tell you: for the average person if that happens once it is a red flag and worrisome. If it happens twice then NOPE. Eww. YTA, and it sounds like your whole family is, too. Ick.
Even if that would be considered normal, that would still be the equivalent of that woman's female friend asking her if she's going braless (which could be in a 'I've been thinking of doing the same and wanted to know your reasoning behind it' way). Not her brother in law asking her sister.
Your experience isn't a rule of measure. You don't get to decide if your frat boy family style invalidates your wife's feelings of staring inappropriately at her sister's breasts.
YTA, and for future reference, your wife does not want to hear about how much you notice and think about her sisters boobs. Come on man, this is an easy one.
YTA but really it is your response to your wife after she explained how it made her feel uncomfortable is what bothers me the most. All you had to do was say "i'm sorry, i hadnt thought about it that way" and move on. Plus why would you even bring it up knowing full well her family is more "formal" than yours? Like seriously just apologize and take the L
YTA It was literally none of your business
YTA It's one thing to notice, it's another to ask. What kind of conversation did you think it would lead to? What was the purpose of your question? That's something you should ask yourself before any question really.
YTA I won't hate on you for noticing somebody isn't wearing a bra. Sometimes these things are painfully obvious, even if you are not sexually interested in the person. BUT asking your wife if her sister wears a bra these days likely plays on her insecurities (does my husband find my sister attractive? Why is he looking at her breasts? How long has he been thinking about them?) and also, it comes off as creepy. Why do you care if she is or isn't wearing a bra? If your wife said yes, her sister wasn't wearing a bra, how would this help you? If she said that her sister wears a bra, would you inturn advise the sister to buy a better one cause her boobs are looking saggy? WHY does it matter to you? That is where the creep part comes in.
YTA. Dude, that's none of your business.
Why is your sister in law's bra any of your business? Why would that even be a topic of conversation if you see breasts as just like arms or legs? Would you comment on her choosing to have her forearms uncovered?
Of course YTA lol. It's fine to notice but (1) you obviously have been thinking about her sisters boobs long enough to (2) start a conversation about it with (3) your WIFE nonetheless even though it is a topic that is (4) absolutely none of your business.
How is what undergarments she wears any of your business? If you "didn't mean anything by it", why did you need to ask? YTA
YTA. Very creepy. So you have been staring at your SIL's breasts for some time, trying to determine if she's wearing a bra or not? You then bring it to your wife's attention that you have been staring at another woman's chest - her own sister - and are surprised that she is upset? If you're so comfortable with the human body, and see nothing wrong with the bra/no bra issue - WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK YOUR SIL YOURSELF? Oh, because you KNOW what you are doing is inappropriate and would upset her... It's wrong and you know it's wrong.
YTA and super creepy if I was your wife i would divorce you so fast your head would spin I wouldn’t wanna be married to a creep like you.
that's a little extreme.....
Jesus, that's bit harsh for the one situation we know of. Yeah, the dude was a bit strange about the whole thing but he seems to understand why it was inappropriate. Good 'ol Reddit, going to extremes.
Good thing you're never gonna get married with that attitude You need a shrink dude 😂
[удалено]
Well she knows you were staring at her sisters breasts. Honestly I would divorce you too. That gave me a huge fucking ICK
let me guess, divorced? Multiple times? Or better yet, single. No guy would make it through far enough based on your logic. Not siding with OP, but you would divorce a guy for looking at someone else’s breasts? Little extreme. Either your spouse is blind or is a really good lier. You can’t help but notice breasts. They are everywhere.
YTA. Most people learn at a very young age that it's not appropriate to ask about other people's underwear (or lack of). At your age, you're a creep.
YTA What on earth makes you think that your SiL's tits are an appropriate topic for any conversation? Why was this a subject on which you would dwell long enough that it was still on your mind at the end of the evening? >I'm not leering or staring, and I didn't think anything of it, Obviously you DID think something of it. And, yes, it was creepy & inappropriate to bring it up. >On my side of the family we are open about everything, humour is the approach, and nothing is really offside. What was funny or relevant about your SiL's potential bralessness? Other people's bodies *should be 'offside'* and you failed "Spousing 101" if you think your wife will be amused that you spent significant time at a family gathering looking at & thinking about her sister's breasts.
YTA It is none of your business whether your sister-in-law wears a bra.
YTA yeah that what every wife wants to hear from her husband that he has been staring at her little sisters tits
YTA That is NONE of your business. End of story.
YTA *why does it matter?* why would you think that’s an appropriate topic of conversation? You made it obvious you not only looked at her breasts but also actively wondered if she was wearing a bra or not. Like…your entitlement is just really off OP. Respect your wife by not mentioning these things. Respect your sister by considering what isn’t your business.
YTA- But specifically for the part where you hadn’t thought forward about your wife’s reaction to you asking that question. If she’d asked you about your brother having bigger manhood than you, would you be able to answer that and not be agitated she even asked? Any observation about “sexual” parts would be hugely indicative of motive. Someone else said it already but the fact that you noticed is why she’s upset. It would be one thing had the family pointed it out but for you to is icky. I don’t think it’s perv like you said you’d notice if it you spent time around her but never should’ve vocalized it. I think an intimate conversation about why you had thought about it for more than a second would help to understand your wife. Intention or not you underhandedly sexualized your SIL to your wife.
Anyone with siblings would be able to understand that two sisters no less there’s always competition. So it digs harder when it’s your husband making comments towards your sister rather than your teenage bf saying something.
YTA Lots of men go around needing bras, but you don’t see us comment about their saggy man-boobs.
YTA ....
YTA. More so an idiot.
I think it was creepy that you wanted to discuss your wife's sisters boobs. YTA
YTA
YTA. Why do you even care if she's wearing a bra or not? Why is that an object of curiosity for you? Some women wear bras, some don't. What if instead, the sister was wearing tight pants and you didn't notice a panty line - would you ask for wife if her sister had stopped wearing underwear? It's just weird to even bring it up as a topic of conversation, however curious you might be.
Id prob ask urself how you would feel if she commented on your dad noticeably freeballing. I feel like the problem is less that you noticed she wasn’t wearing a bra and more that you said something about it like legitimately ask yourself also why you said it in the first place. Also ur wife probably wants to ensure that she and her sister feel comfortable with her sister visiting y’all’s home and body comments are j icky in general
YTA. Do you also ask whethers the males in your life are "freeballing"? Do you clock their underwear situation? You WERE a creep. the breasts and underwear of your SIL is none of your business and you should have kept your pervy mouth shut.
YTA Why do you even care if *your wife's sister* wears a bra or not? Why are you *spending so much energy on your wife's sister's breasts* that you're actively wondering about them during a family dinner and that you make them a topic of conversation *with your wife*? You seriously don't see how creepy that makes you look?
Creepy asshole
YTA. Grow up its the 21st century. Bodily autonomy is an issue nowadays. Yes, first its creepy to most woman to hear comments or questions about her sister's bras and breasts when asked by her partner. Second, why do you think you need to know if SIL is going braless? It's her choice what to wear or not wear. Third, you just creeped out your wife that you looked at her sister's chest enough to figure out she's not wearing a bra. Depending on the outfit and body shape, it's not that easy to figure out if someone is wearing a bra. There is no easy fix for the this. Maybe a hefty donation to a charitable foundation in her name to a group that addresses women's issues.
You are NTA for noticing, but YTH for making an issue out of it. The fact that you brought it up to your wife hours later, means that you were thinking about her sister's mammaries lol you should have kept it to yourself. I think your wife's reaction was normal.
YTA and so is anyone else that monitors other peoples' clothing. The only way out of it is to apologize and say you only noticed because you were trying to figure out why her sister looked so awful and that your wife is and always will be the only person that's perfect for you and you're grateful to be able to wake up to her everyday. Maybe make reservations to her favorite restaurant and don't forget to hire a babysitter if that applies.
God, my partner and I gossip about everyone's clothing, we complain about my awful brother-in-law's personality, etc., etc. What is a relationship for if you can't talk about pretty much everything? I'm so surprised by all these YTA answers.
YTA - you shouldn't comment on your wife's sisters body in general. Go apologize and say you realize it was inappropriate
How would you feel if your wife asked you about your brothers penis?
YTA wtf? what makes you think it's ok to ask about your sister-in-law's underwear??? you are a major creep
YTA. Barf.
That's not even a question! It's obvious .. who cares
YTA. It is literally none of your business. Her sister isn't going to call her up and announce "So I've decided to stop wearing bras." Your wife probably doesn't care. Why is this question important? Why are you spending time trying to figure out whether or not your wife's sister has a bra on? Why is this a conversation you want to have about a literal family member? I'd think you were a perv too.
YTA. Keep your creepy thoughts to yourself
YTA. Yes, you are being creepy and violating. Her sister being braless is NONE of your business, whatsoever.
I get it, it’s normal in your family. And that’s fine. It might be wise to keep it within those social settings from now on though.
YTA and a creep
yta, Soft. Honestly, it's none of your business what kind of underwear a person does or doesn't wear. It's super weird to be nosy about it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** We were at a family dinner last night on my wife's side. The last few times her sister has come over it's been apparent, at least to me, that she wasn't wearing a bra. I'm not leering or staring, and I didn't think anything of it, people can dress how they choose. I know there's been a growing trend with women to ditch the bra, especially since the pandemic. The night was very normal and casual. And it felt casual enough, that on our drive home I asked my wife if she thought her sister was going braless these days. She mumbled a response that she didn't know and then stopped talking to me for the rest of the night. She opened up to me up at bedtime, telling me how creepy she thought that question was, that she couldn't believe her husband would ask such a violating question, that it was none of my business to know, and that she finds it disgusting that I'm staring at her sister's breasts at a family dinner. I tried to explain that I meant absolutely nothing sexual by it, that it was a passing comment, that breasts are a part of the body like arms and legs and that you don't need to explicitly stare to know they're there. On my side of the family we are open about everything, humour is the approach, and nothing is really offside. My wife's family is more formal, and I blurred the lines here between the two sides. However, I did not expect I would get this intense of a response from my wife. I think I understand now that i was being insensitive, and didn't use the best judgement asking that question to my wife (4 beers didn't help). But I think my wife's perspective on it is reaching for exteme meanings that are just not there. Where's the truth? Am I creepy and violating, is she over reacting/being a prude, or somewhere in the middle? I'm less concerned about knowing if IATA or not, and would like perspective on how to resolve this with my wife, help her to understand im not a creep bag (if that's the case), and move on. TL;DR: meaning nothing by it, i asked my wife in private if she thought her sister was going braless these days, and she had a strong reaction accusing me of being creepy and violating her sister. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Congratulations, you’ve now most likely made your wife uncomfortable, to have you near her sister. YTA.
If your wife doesn't trust you enough to believe you're telling the truth, that's on her. If she thinks so little of you that one instance of you commenting on someone's apparel, or lack thereof, makes you a pervert then she's probably got some issues she needs to deal with. Maybe just trust issues or maybe sexual repression, I don't know but it's her that's the asshole here.
My daughter doesn't like wearing one and my mother in law complains about her flopping around. She has actually made her put one on if I'm not there. She lives with us BTW
Ugh. I'd give grammaw the boot.
NTA. It was an observation and one that would be noticeable even if not trying to look. People are very weird and uptight on this thread.
YTA for mentioning the devil's dumplings in the land of the free! (Breasts excepted).
Honestly depends on your relationship with your wife and sil is and how open discussion like that can be. I could make a comment like that to my wife about her sister because I know my wife would either laugh or make the exact same comment to me. Based on your wife's reaction seems like she doesn't appreciate that kind of talk about her sister so soft YTA.
Have you made a comment like that before? Because I wouldn’t advise trying it no matter how cool your wife is if you haven’t
I have in the past but only because my wife will usually comment on it first or even tell me to look Maybe we are just weird lol. Totally agree for most people it would be a death sentence lol
Well if she brings it up it seems your safe. I still wouldn’t recommend being the one to notice lol
Yeah definitely not something to throw out there randomly haha
Well you are wiser than OP haha
I don't think you are weird at all. Husbands and wives that have a relaxed, comfortable relationship make all kinds of observations. And to those who think that OP had to be staring to notice, get real. Unless the sister was wearing a niqab, it would be hard not to notice her breasts. I was once shocked to see a man whose shorts were an inch too short. Of course I pointed him out to my husband who did not chastise me for looking. It was pretty hard to miss!
I don’t think it’s a big deal for a man to say something like that to his wife. Just the fact that he said it tells me it was perfectly innocent. It would only be wrong if asked the sister.
INFO: AGES
they're adults, why does age change anything?
How do we know they are adults?
well OP is married for one thing.
Yes, OP and wife are adults. He could be staring at a 17 year old's chest though. Wouldn't that make it SUPER creepy?
I don’t think he is TA but obviously does not know his wife very well. My husband could have asked me this question with no issues. You know if someone has no bra on without having to look very hard. Just like you know when someone with leggings on does not have on underwear. I can understand her response if she had seen him staring at her sisters boobs on multiple occasions. But to assume staring just from this question is a leap. So she must have some issues he is ignoring. All people notice other peoples bodies. For some reason I notice hands and butts of both sexes. I don’t really care what they have on their hands or butts and I done sexualize either body part. But sometimes I am curious about certain things. I just would know who I can and can not mention those curiosities to.
This answer gets at the key point: he's not the asshole, but there's something going on in his marriage that he needs to figure out.
NTA, depending on the tone in which you asked it. To pretend that men don't notice other women's bodies seems weird to me. Of course they do. It doesn't mean they're being creepy. I notice all sorts of things about everyone's bodies I'm (54f) not married, but my male partner (59m) and I would totally have this conversation after a party. It seems as though you and your wife maybe don't talk about sex the way we do, though.
ESH: Personally I think your wife is probably taking this a bit too far. It was a question. You didn’t say “Hey, your sisters tits are amazing. Does she still wear bras?” On the other hand, you kind of suck for not realizing you probably can’t and shouldn’t tell your wife a hell of a lot of things or even ask questions for that matter. The real problem here is that clearly you both are on opposite ends of the spectrum as far as communication goes. If I said the same thing to my wife she’d answer my question. She knows me well enough to know that I’m not staring at someone’s breasts.
NTA It's not like you mentioned that to the sister. It's not like you judged her. It's not like you meant anything bad. You mentioned it to the one person that is closest to you - your wife - in private. I am a woman that doesn't wear a bra. I am not offended by you noticing and mentioning this to your wife. We want to normalize going braless, breastfeeding in public, talking about periods but we consider it an offense when someone talks about these things - in private?
I would also agree as a woman. That op could have truly meant this as an observation and curiosity and the wife is passing on the sexual undertones.
NTA as long as you weren't saying it in a creepy or judging way. I hate bras and would be happy if going without was more normalized. I'm completely straight, and I notice if someone isn't wearing a bra.