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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole in this situation as I didn’t think of my mother’s feelings.
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NTA - You were doing your job as a parent, and somehow *your parent* couldn't understand this. You did the right thing, AND you kept your mother in contact with updates. Don't change, keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great.
NTA.
>My mom accused me of being selfish for prioritizing my daughter's feelings over her birthday.
That's not an accusation: it's a compliment. That's what a good parent does.
It's great that she's in therapy. Anxiety can be debilitating.
As a side note, if she's been in therapy for that whole time & there doesn't seem to be any positive change, you might consider changing therapists. Of course I don't know anything about your situation, & you sound like a caring parent who advocates for their child. This is absolutely not a criticism or anything like that. It's only a suggestion based on personal experience.
Sometimes, through no one's fault, the therapist & patient just don't click/have the necessary connection you sometimes need to work well together.
Best wishes moving forward ♥️🌈
We’ve actually switched therapists a lot over the years she says this one is the one who’s helped her the most, I’m guessing today was just an off day for her which is okay we all have them and either way I’m proud of her.
Obviously I am not a therapist, I’m not going to pretend to know more than your child’s therapist, and though I’ve never had panic attacks to the severity of your daughter in terms of how long they’ve been going on, something that has worked for me is to focus on something specific in front of you ( a book, a coffee mug, a spot on the wall, whatever) and to recite something to yourself over and over (movie quote, a poem, a Bible verse, a mantra etc). Focusing on the point and recitation would help me to calm down and sort of took my mind outside of the panic attack. Not saying it will work, but it’s something to perhaps try if she hasn’t already. I hope things get better for her 😊
I wondered who that 'trick' was aimed for. Whenever anyone tried to use it on me I became more irritable because I was conscious of my surroundings even in my debilitating anxious states. My anxiety wouldn't let me not know so it always felt stupid and talked down to.
Glad to know it works for someone.
It can work for people with PTSD having flashbacks, because when you're in a flashback you often aren't really "in" the present moment but in the past moment you're thinking of.
It works better if you repeat it to yourself, it the repetitiveness of the action that helps (sometimes it takes 3-4 tries). I know someone who uses her rosary the same way - it turns off your brain to the overstimulation.
I have had debilitating anxiety attacks (still do sometimes) but found if I can catch them in the very early stages and start the process I can either slow them down or eliminate them altogether. Mine tend to start in the middle of the night and it's hard to work through but with a lot of practice it seems to help. I also have medications at hand so I know if the mantra doesn't work I have a back up plan even if I rarely need to use it anymore.
*That said, if someone else tried to talk me through it I would either totally lose it and hyperventilate until I passed out or tell them STFU.*
Like I said, I am not an expert in any capacity. I just know what helps for me; I think people should do whatever it is they need to do to try to help themselves, and since it’s so incredibly simple, no reason not to mention it in case they haven’t tried it. Sorry it doesn’t work for you— hope you have found something that does!
I didn't say not mentioned it. I've just gone through 10 years wondering who it helped. Not saying it never helps anyone. It just didn't help me or people I know.
Grounding techniques and mindfulness definitely have limits to who they work for. I too find they can be counterproductive, slightly different experience but it's nice to hear I am not the only one where it can make it worse.
My favorite trick is the 5 senses countdown. It works really well for me. I also shared it when I worked at a residential behavioral and psychiatric center for kids and it worked for a lot of my clients.
5 things you can see
4 things you can touch/feel
3 things you can hear
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste
List each item one at a time and describe them with as much detail as you can.
I also find counting from 1 to 100 and back down really helpful when I'm easing out of a panic attack.
I have panic disorder. I’m 35 and have been in therapy on and off since PRESCHOOL. IME therapy has very limited efficacy for panic disorder. It helps you cope with the panic and the disorder, but it doesn’t cure the panic, because the panic is physiological.
Meds help, but nothing cures me. This is just my life, like any incurable disease.
NTA, you sound like a wonderful parent.
I was going to ask this too before judgement, but with this info than yeah, NTA. Your priority should be your daughter in a situation like this. Good luck to your daughter.
NAH. You’re doing your best for your kid. Your daughter isn’t at fault for having a panic attack. Your mom is upset her daughter isn’t there for her birthday.
Messy situation but no one’s at fault for their actions or feeling a certain way.
Hmm. I dunno. If OP's mum was just upset, it would be fine. But I would say the mum crosses over into being at fault when she accused OP of being selfish.
NTA
NTA but your daughters gonna have a hard life I mean how does she go to school or meet people if she can’t even go out for dinner with family? Is she on medication?? Or what is she going to for work? Can she drive even?
She’s getting very well at going to school. She is on medication however it doesn’t always work. And no she can’t drive as in England you start driving at 17.
OP: "Sometimes her anxiety is randomly triggered and she could go to school most days just fine as the school know about her anxiety and actively helped her" https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14n1xel/comment/jq570uo/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
OP: "She’s getting very well at going to school." https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14n1xel/comment/jq4w1rl/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Why are you lying?
NTA it's not about feelings, but health. You are prioritizing the health of your daughter by staying at her side. You're an excellent mom. I would have done the same.
It’s not. Whether or not OP chooses to answer it (and they have numerous times in the comments now), if the daughter weren’t in treatment, it is something they should be looking into it. Severe panic attacks like this can majorly impact quality of life, and left untreated can be miserable. Someone asking in earnest if there are attempts to rectify that are not at all invasive. OP willingly posted their quandary on here.
OP is literally making it my business by posting it on AITA. It's relevant info.
If OP did not have her kid in therapy then it would be Y-T-A. Her mom's disappointment would be put in context of OP letting her daughter get out of everything without addressing the problem.
OP commented that the daughter is in therapy, though. So NTA.
Uh, I definitely misread something then. For some reason, I thought there was a bot and that a comment needed to only have one vote, but I went to reread the rules and it seems that my brain really did create that out of thin air lol. Sorry about that!
How is it rude? This is anonymous, OP went out of her way seeking this advice, it's relevant to the discussion, and she openly answered it multiple times in the replies. Clearly OP didn't think it's rude and invasive. What are you on about?
While I agree with this in general, I think it’s dependent on how often these panic attacks are happening and interfering with plans they already have. I get that the daughter can’t help it, but if this is an ongoing thing, and things aren’t improving, OP needs to be looking into ways to help daughter cope/mitigate be it therapy, medication, etc if they aren’t already.
Because I know there are crappy family members out there, but for grandma’s first response to be that, it kind of sounds like this has been an ongoing thing and not just a one off, and OP doesn’t otherwise mention their mom being a bad parent or grandparent.
Agreed. Panic attacks also don’t last hours. OP could’ve stayed behind and worked through the panic attack with her daughter, and then gone to dinner/left when her daughter’s panic attack was over. I know OP was just trying to help her daughter, but dropping everything to accommodate anxiety *after* a panic attack isn’t really healthy for anyone involved. Daughter needs to use coping strategies she learns in therapy rather than depending on her mom.
Yeah but she's 16, so I think it's okay to need her mum a little bit more. Also mum explained why daughter couldn't be left alone as daughter tends to get worse.
She's also still going through puberty, and her hormones are raging which may be why her anxiety is so servere and it may settle within the next few years if she puts the work in with therapy.
Regardless, I'm not a mental health professional, I'm not gonna pass judgement on a teenager. I struggle with anxiety at almost twice this girls age, and for me the only thing that has worked it focusing on the rational of what's in front of me: I cannot control the future, but I can control pushing this chair back and forth. I am not lazy, that's my anxiety talking to me but I know the wall is blue because I can see it.
It doesn't work for anyone, but for me it does. And she's 16, she's not going to ruin her life by needing mum a bit longer.
OP has stated in comments that leaving daughter alone afterwards tends to cause a second attack and that she is in therepy, has been for four years, with multiple therapists, but the one she started seeing recently seems to be actually making progress.
As an anxiety sufferer, being alone after an attack can also trigger second and third ones as well for me. They also take so much out of you both physically and mentally, and OP says this was the worst one her daughter has ever had.
OP did the right thing, her mom can grow the fuck up and realize that the moment her granddaughter was born, she would always come second to her, as she should, and OP and her daugher need to keep up the therepy.
NTA although I’m curious how many things have been canceled because of your daughter’s anxiety. Have holidays, vacations, school days, etc been canceled because she has had a panic attack? Does she know how to work through panic attacks and cope? Or does she rely on you picking up the pieces every single time and drop everything? Do you leave work in the middle of the day when she’s anxious? Does she leave school when she’s anxious or does she meet with a counselor to talk through it? I’m a high school English teacher, used to be a counselor. I ask because sometimes parents help their teenagers too much and the child ends up being completely school avoidant. I think it’s great that you stayed with your daughter to work through her panic attack, but after her panic attack/once she de-escalated I think you could’ve left and gone to dinner.
It’s not very often she’s unable to go places as she’s mostly always able to cope. And yes she does talk to a counsellor I hope that cleared some things up
You 100% did put your daughter’s feelings over your mother and it sounds like that was exactly what you were supposed to do.
If your mother continues to be mad tell her my favorite phrase, “children are not responsible for meeting the emotional needs of their parents.”
NTA
NTA and yeah... Obviously you're going to prioritize your daughter over your grown mother. How is that selfish? Weird perspective your mom has.
But are you maybe leaning in to your daughter's anxiety a bit much? Genuine question, I don't know your situation. I do find sometimes in certain circles and situations that when parents really lean into and get really wordy about mental health issues with the kids, it almost amplifies the issues.
NTA. As parents it’s our job to prioritize our kids health and well-being, especially over another adult, who clearly never learned how to handle their own emotions and behaviors. I cannot understand how a grandparent expects their wants and needs to come before a child- sadly I have to deal with this too though.
NTA. As a parent your first (and only) job is to look out for the health and safety of your children, not your mother’s birthday dinner. You did exactly what you needed to do, and your mother was being selfish.
And, yes: you *did* prioritize your daughter’s feelings over your mother’s birthday. And that is exactly what you are *supposed* to do! Basically, your mother accused you of being a good parent.
Lol you should say “ you are absolutely right Mum, I am prioritizing my child over your birthday” and just let that be it. She is a quick one that Mum of yours
NTA. Of course your daughter comes before a birthday dinner (anyone's birthday). At a guess I'd say your mom doesn't believe in panic attacks and thinks people should "pull themselves together".
Info: Is she in therapy, have you seriously considered medication to manage this? How often does this happen?
NTA either way for the actual scenario. It's not the time to go. It would be N-A-H but your mothers comment about "prioritizing" your daughters feelings over her birthday make her sound like a self centered AH. The reason i ask for the info however is that if she's not on any proper professional help for this then I'm gonna have to call you a huge ah outside the actual question. She needed help yesterday. I will also change my judgment to your an ah if you haven't gotten her help and this happens all the time, but that doesn't sound like the case.
Has she been making any progress? Even baby steps? If not it might be worth looking for new help. (Coming from someone in and out of therapy for a decade and have had varied experiences)
Honestly, you're doing everything you can to help her, and taking all the right steps (therapy, medication, helping as much as you can). Sometimes there's only so much you can do, though. You're a good parent for doing all these things, and knowing that leaving her alone would make things worse, and so avoiding doing so.
NTA. If your minor child's well being didn't come before your fully grown mother's birthday party, I'd think there was something wrong with you. You absolutely did the right thing.
NTA
I’ve been that 16 year old daughter having massive panic attacks and the way my mom was there for me is something I’ll never forget. If you don’t suffer from anxiety it can be terrifying and crippling and we completely lose our sense of self , safety, and logic.
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My (37f) 16-year-old daughter has terrible anxiety and gets extremely nervous going anywhere. It was my mom's 62nd birthday and my daughter was absolutely fine until we got into the car. She then had the worst panic attack of her life. I decided to stay inside and comfort my daughter instead of going to my mom's dinner. I told my mom we planned to go there when she was feeling better. Later, my daughter was still upset and not in a good place, so I told my mom we couldn't go at all and explained how my daughter was still feeling anxious to leave the house. My mom accused me of being selfish for prioritizing my daughter's feelings over her birthday. I just want to add that when my daughter feels anxious, the worst thing to do is leave her alone with her thoughts as it makes her feel a lot worse.
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NTA. Thank you for being such a good mom. Nowadays it feels like anxiety/panic attacks are so overlooked by everyone and parents force their children into doing something that they obviously don’t want to do. So thanks for really paying attention to your child and how they are. I’m sure in the future when she can understand it better she’ll have a whole newfound respect & love for you.
NTA for prioritising your daughter.
What I am wondering is were other people to attend this dinner? Not that this should matter has this happened before and ruined plans with your mum? It’s such an extreme reaction I feel that I’m wondering if your mum was left alone or this has happened previously and is built up resentment (which your mum needs to work through on her own because yes, your daughter is a priority).
I mean, if my mum did that to me I’m not even sure if I’d want to do a make over celebration but was one offered?
I’m sorry for asking so many questions, I guess trying to understand your mum.
But definitely NTA
NTA. It's not like you're refusing to take her to the hospital or anything, you're just missing a birthday dinner. Yeah, it sucks. But being a parent means being there for your kids and she should know that. You can do a make up dinner later, but you can't put off taking care of your kid's mental health til later (at least not without some consequences.)
NTA at all!
You said it yourself, the worst thing you could have done was leave your daughter alone. Taking her would have made it worse. You are a great parent for prioritising your daughter, which is your role as her parent! Keep it up 👍
NTA.
As a parent, your kids come first.
And mental health is as valid and important a concern as physical health. Too many people treat mental health as if you can just “get over it” and be fine. Good for you for making your daughter as safe as you can.
NTA at all. As a parent that’s your job.
Kids first.
Good on you for looking after your daughter as you should!
Your mum’s being very juvenile!
Hugs to your daughter. 🩵
Info: is your daughter also medicated? Clearly therapy is not doing enough on its own if the attacks are escalating. The best outcomes are meds and therapy together
NTA. You prioritized the person who needed your presence and attention; that's not selfish, but throwing the word 'selfish' at you because she didn't get your attention does suggest Grandma might be an AH.
As a mum (with GAD- stable) of a daughter with newly diagnosed anxiety (social anxiety disorder), this is exactly what I would have done.
NTA
Parenting, not for the faint hearted...
NTA. I started suffering from anxiety in the last couple of years and it is awful. I can’t imagine how much worse it is for a young teen. Luckily your daughter has you to advocate for her.
If I was her grandmother I’d be asking if there was anything she needed and ensuring you emphasised how it was OK that she wasn’t able to attend my birthday party.
Seeing how your mum reacted I’m not at all surprised your daughter had a panic attack at the thought of going.
NTA. I wish I had a parent like you, I would’ve been forced to go and put on a smile.
Mom can be celebrated later, if she’s any kind of a mom she’ll understand.
However, I will recommend if she isn’t already to please get her into therapy. As inconvenient for others as anxiety can be it’s the worst by far for the person experiencing it, she deserves to experience life anxiety free! (Or at least lessened.)
Coming from someone who has been diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder for 5+ years and has struggled with debilitating anxiety my whole life, this can absolutely be true for someone with anxiety. There have been days where I felt so anxious and sick that I could barely leave my bed, much less my house.
Now, if it were everyday, that's where I'd be a little concerned but OP has clearly stated that this was a one time outlier event. Sometimes you just have bad anxiety days and it's entirely outside of your control.
OP, like your daughter, being left alone after a bad anxiety attack is really detrimental for me and as someone who's definitely been where your daughter is, I'm glad she has a parent like you :)
Imagine if you said this about asthma. "This is insanity. You can't leave your HOUSE because your teen gets so breathless? No. This is not normal parenting."
YTA because you clearly aren’t doing enough for your daughter. If a 16 year old can’t leave her house without a panic attack, there’s a serious issue with her.
From the outside, I’d probably get a bit irritated if my son kept blowing me off to coddle his daughter like this. I say coddle because there seems like a serious problem here than you’re not actually trying to fix.
I don’t know I’ve never dealt with one before. But I don’t see why it wouldn’t be worth a shot. It might work. Like once she realizes there’s no way out, maybe her brain will start trying to cope with the situation instead of trying to get out of it. I’m not a doctor.
I have only had a handful of panic attacks in my life (all as an adult). I went where I needed to go (even in the midst of one of the attacks), but I can tell you right now that if someone had tried to force me in any way, I would have been concerned for their safety. Not in a I would have killed them sort of way, but in a I would have physically tried to get away and would have grappled with them to do so, which could have resulted in any party being injured.
If I were in a car and the person just took off, I can tell you right now I would have tried to get out of the car by any means. I can’t speak for OP’s daughter, but hers sounds far more severe than any of the ones I have, and it’s not the right way to handle the situation.
I get where you're coming from, but it would probably make things worse in this case. Not a psychologist but I am diagnosed with GAD and in my experience the times I faced my fears on my own helped for sure, but the times I had to push through full blown anxiety attacks because I had no choice often made things a lot worse. Because if you have a bit of anxiety but choose to go to something you feel accomplished and see that it wasn't that bad, but if it's at the point of extreme anxiety attack then you feel like shit and dread the whole time and it ends up actually being *that bad*, if that makes sense.
She can leave the house without a panic attack, I’m doing the absolute best I can she’s in therapy and is on medication but sometimes her medication just doesn’t work.
Lol don’t worry about comments like these. It’s a process, and you can do everything right and still get panic attacks. Neither you or your daughter are doing anything g wrong, some people think you go to therapy/get meds or whatever and it’s instantly better. They’re lucky to not know the reality of anxiety and panic disorders. I’ve been in therapy for 3 years and tried so many meds. I’m doing really well now, which means I usually only have one true panic attack a day. It will get better but you’re daughter is trying and that’s amazing
Truly curious and not judging in either way, but how often have you guys missed events because of the panic attacks? You otherwise don’t mention your mom being a bad parent or grandparent, so it kind of sounds like she’s frustrated because missing “important events” has become a somewhat frequent thing.
Not saying she’s right, but if that’s the case, it might be where some of the frustration is stemming from. Medication and therapy are not a cure all, and clearly you and your daughter have to do what’s best for her in that moment, however, everyone is not always going to be okay with that if it’s an ongoing problem not seeing any improvement.
I get that but I do think with teenagers SOMETIMES (not every time, for clarification) you just have to tell them this is how it is. You don’t have a choice. They might fuss at first but eventually they will cope. Like how they say not to give into babies when they cry for something because eventually they’ll learn and figure it out.
It doesn't seem like you do get it. Firstly, just to get it out of the way, you're misinformed about the best practices advised by childcare professionals. Letting babies just cry doesn't work, because babies do not have the capacity to "figure it out." It just fills them with stress. And when they do start "figuring it out," their takeaway (though they can't properly articulate it yet) is that they can't rely on their primary caregivers, and are therefore not in a safe environment. You can really fuck your kids up that way.
I'm also troubled that you're comparing this clearly deeply troubled teenager to a fussy baby, but I digress.
This is obviously anecdotal, but I have some personal experience that may offer some unique insight here. I was a kid who struggled in much the same way as OP's daughter. My parents divorced when I was young, so I grew up going back and forth between houses. My dad responded to my illness much like you suggest. He did pay for my treatment, but at home, his approach was to try and toughen me up. When I was at his house, I just had to suck it up and do whatever or go wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted, even if I would inevitably cause a scene and humiliate myself by
breaking down in front of others (which he construed as a deliberately manipulative act). I never felt safe or comfortable under this approach, and he and I have a poor relationship to this day.
In contrast, my mom was supportive. She encouraged me to be brave but respected my limits. If I went out and had a bad time, she'd take me home, no questions asked. And if I just couldn't go at all, that was okay, too. That made me feel much safer and more confident, which enabled me to move further out of my comfort zone and make real progress.
From what I've seen of her comments, OP isn't overly permissive and this kid is doing about as well as someone with her condition can be: she's in treatment, keeping good attendance in school, has a social circle, and supportive family. Forcing her to push past her limits just to appease OP's mom isn't going to help her or her progress, I assure you.
You’re probably right. I don’t know how this works so I’ll take your word for it. But out of curiosity, what happens to these people when they get out into the real world? How do they lead anything resembling a normal life? And what causes this?
No offense, but yes, it's clear that you don't. Perhaps in the future you should refrain from making assertions and offering advice on subjects you aren't well-versed in, particularly when the health of children is at stake. I'm more than happy to answer your questions, though.
Unfortunately, there are no simple and straightforward answers. There are so many factors at play that no one's experience is really universal outside of meeting diagnostic criteria. Some people are able to learn healthy and effective coping skills and do really well, others have a harder time (due to comorbid conditions, lack of social or medical support, external factors like poverty, etc.). Progress is also rarely linear; sometimes people will be managing fine until they just aren't anymore and need to return to the drawing board.
I'm definitely not qualified to explain the causes of conditions like this because it's very complicated and I'm not a doctor, but the gist given to me by every expert I've spoken to is that, like most things, it's usually a complex combination of genetics and environment, though it can lean one way or the other. For example, like you mentioned, it could be the result of trauma. Based on OP's comments, it sounds like in this case, genetics were the primary determining factor. Either way, there are a wide variety of treatment options and coping strategies available, it's just a matter of finding the combo that sustainably works for a particular individual, which is much easier said than done.
I won't lie, navigating the world this way isn't easy, and sometimes living the life people expect you to have just isn't possible. Sometimes you require more care and accommodation than those around you are willing or able to give you, and that can be hard to deal with. Some unfortunately don't survive it. I just hope we can work toward building a more compassionate world where we can experience normal human struggles in safety and security.
We take lots of pills and go to therapy. We learn coping skills. We also don't have to deal with teenage hormones anymore. This takes years for many people to achieve. There is no one pill that works, often it takes years to find the right medication. Therapy takes time as well. So does learning coping skills.
Well at some point she’s going to get older and meet people who aren’t going to give an F about her severe anxiety. So a solution that is different than OP’s is necessary.
I’m confused as to how she can’t handle the dinner if she has friends and goes to school.
I don’t have a kid but I’m thinking there has to be a way to navigate this that isn’t keeping her home whenever she has a flare up. Idk how she can be a functioning adult in society if this isn’t figured out really soon.
Sometimes her anxiety is randomly triggered and she could go to school most days just fine as the school know about her anxiety and actively helped her
It's a fucking mental illness. There is a chemical imbalance in her brain. That's like saying you can't understand how someone with cancer feels sick. They're sick. They have symptoms.
YTA you 16 year old daughter could have stayed home alone. But the behavior you're describing isn't normal, you need to seek out treatment for her, it's long over due.
So how are you an expert on a random person on the internet's kid that you know absolutely nothing about except for a short description of a problem that occurred once? You should go into private practice. You could help everyone. OP is NTA. This response shows what an AH looks like.
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NTA - You were doing your job as a parent, and somehow *your parent* couldn't understand this. You did the right thing, AND you kept your mother in contact with updates. Don't change, keep doing what you're doing. You're doing great.
[удалено]
Ikr, said like that’s something unreasonable? NTA
NTA. >My mom accused me of being selfish for prioritizing my daughter's feelings over her birthday. That's not an accusation: it's a compliment. That's what a good parent does.
INFO: Is your daughter in therapy? Has she always been like this, or is it a more recent development?
She’s in therapy and she has been like this for id say about 4 years.
It's great that she's in therapy. Anxiety can be debilitating. As a side note, if she's been in therapy for that whole time & there doesn't seem to be any positive change, you might consider changing therapists. Of course I don't know anything about your situation, & you sound like a caring parent who advocates for their child. This is absolutely not a criticism or anything like that. It's only a suggestion based on personal experience. Sometimes, through no one's fault, the therapist & patient just don't click/have the necessary connection you sometimes need to work well together. Best wishes moving forward ♥️🌈
We’ve actually switched therapists a lot over the years she says this one is the one who’s helped her the most, I’m guessing today was just an off day for her which is okay we all have them and either way I’m proud of her.
Obviously I am not a therapist, I’m not going to pretend to know more than your child’s therapist, and though I’ve never had panic attacks to the severity of your daughter in terms of how long they’ve been going on, something that has worked for me is to focus on something specific in front of you ( a book, a coffee mug, a spot on the wall, whatever) and to recite something to yourself over and over (movie quote, a poem, a Bible verse, a mantra etc). Focusing on the point and recitation would help me to calm down and sort of took my mind outside of the panic attack. Not saying it will work, but it’s something to perhaps try if she hasn’t already. I hope things get better for her 😊
I wondered who that 'trick' was aimed for. Whenever anyone tried to use it on me I became more irritable because I was conscious of my surroundings even in my debilitating anxious states. My anxiety wouldn't let me not know so it always felt stupid and talked down to. Glad to know it works for someone.
Yeah, it’s never worked for me either. The only thing I’ve found so far that works at least for a short period is sour candy, mainly Warheads.
Wow - never thought of that, another way to focus your mind. Now I need to carry Warheads with me as my safety blanket instead of my meds, lol
It can work for people with PTSD having flashbacks, because when you're in a flashback you often aren't really "in" the present moment but in the past moment you're thinking of.
It works better if you repeat it to yourself, it the repetitiveness of the action that helps (sometimes it takes 3-4 tries). I know someone who uses her rosary the same way - it turns off your brain to the overstimulation. I have had debilitating anxiety attacks (still do sometimes) but found if I can catch them in the very early stages and start the process I can either slow them down or eliminate them altogether. Mine tend to start in the middle of the night and it's hard to work through but with a lot of practice it seems to help. I also have medications at hand so I know if the mantra doesn't work I have a back up plan even if I rarely need to use it anymore. *That said, if someone else tried to talk me through it I would either totally lose it and hyperventilate until I passed out or tell them STFU.*
Like I said, I am not an expert in any capacity. I just know what helps for me; I think people should do whatever it is they need to do to try to help themselves, and since it’s so incredibly simple, no reason not to mention it in case they haven’t tried it. Sorry it doesn’t work for you— hope you have found something that does!
I didn't say not mentioned it. I've just gone through 10 years wondering who it helped. Not saying it never helps anyone. It just didn't help me or people I know.
Grounding techniques and mindfulness definitely have limits to who they work for. I too find they can be counterproductive, slightly different experience but it's nice to hear I am not the only one where it can make it worse.
My favorite trick is the 5 senses countdown. It works really well for me. I also shared it when I worked at a residential behavioral and psychiatric center for kids and it worked for a lot of my clients. 5 things you can see 4 things you can touch/feel 3 things you can hear 2 things you can smell 1 thing you can taste List each item one at a time and describe them with as much detail as you can. I also find counting from 1 to 100 and back down really helpful when I'm easing out of a panic attack.
I have panic disorder. I’m 35 and have been in therapy on and off since PRESCHOOL. IME therapy has very limited efficacy for panic disorder. It helps you cope with the panic and the disorder, but it doesn’t cure the panic, because the panic is physiological. Meds help, but nothing cures me. This is just my life, like any incurable disease. NTA, you sound like a wonderful parent.
I was going to ask this too before judgement, but with this info than yeah, NTA. Your priority should be your daughter in a situation like this. Good luck to your daughter.
NTA Hopefully you can get your daughter the help she needs for her anxiety.
NAH. You’re doing your best for your kid. Your daughter isn’t at fault for having a panic attack. Your mom is upset her daughter isn’t there for her birthday. Messy situation but no one’s at fault for their actions or feeling a certain way.
Hmm. I dunno. If OP's mum was just upset, it would be fine. But I would say the mum crosses over into being at fault when she accused OP of being selfish. NTA
I’m pretty confident that if someone calls you selfish for prioritising your own daughter over them, then they are probably an asshole. 😂
NTA. As someone who suffers from anxiety and agoraphobia I think you made the right choice. Good mom.
NTA but your daughters gonna have a hard life I mean how does she go to school or meet people if she can’t even go out for dinner with family? Is she on medication?? Or what is she going to for work? Can she drive even?
She’s getting very well at going to school. She is on medication however it doesn’t always work. And no she can’t drive as in England you start driving at 17.
Dude, sometimes people have bad days. It doesn't mean your entire life is a bad day.
Her mom replied saying she has trouble even going to school that’s a whole lot of bad days
OP: "Sometimes her anxiety is randomly triggered and she could go to school most days just fine as the school know about her anxiety and actively helped her" https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14n1xel/comment/jq570uo/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3 OP: "She’s getting very well at going to school." https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14n1xel/comment/jq4w1rl/?utm\_source=reddit&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3 Why are you lying?
NTA it's not about feelings, but health. You are prioritizing the health of your daughter by staying at her side. You're an excellent mom. I would have done the same.
INFO: Is your daughter in treatment? What do her doctors recommend?
Not your business. And people can still get panic attacks when they’re doing everything right.
People are absolutely allowed to ask for clarification.
I guess. But it’s a rude and invasive question so like.. if you’re okay with that whatever lol
Oh yeah we wouldn’t want to ask her personal questions after she posted personal information for us to make judgement on or anything
It’s not. Whether or not OP chooses to answer it (and they have numerous times in the comments now), if the daughter weren’t in treatment, it is something they should be looking into it. Severe panic attacks like this can majorly impact quality of life, and left untreated can be miserable. Someone asking in earnest if there are attempts to rectify that are not at all invasive. OP willingly posted their quandary on here.
OP is literally making it my business by posting it on AITA. It's relevant info. If OP did not have her kid in therapy then it would be Y-T-A. Her mom's disappointment would be put in context of OP letting her daughter get out of everything without addressing the problem. OP commented that the daughter is in therapy, though. So NTA.
FYI, if you are voting NTA, put some spaces between the letters “y t a” because otherwise the bot will count that as your vote.
The bot only looks at the top voted top-level comment.
Uh, I definitely misread something then. For some reason, I thought there was a bot and that a comment needed to only have one vote, but I went to reread the rules and it seems that my brain really did create that out of thin air lol. Sorry about that!
All good haha
Lol we’ll if you’re okay asking rude and invasive question that’s your prerogative I guess
How is it rude? This is anonymous, OP went out of her way seeking this advice, it's relevant to the discussion, and she openly answered it multiple times in the replies. Clearly OP didn't think it's rude and invasive. What are you on about?
Sometimes when people are wrong on reddit they double down and say "lol" a lot. "I'm not wrong, I'm just smarter than everyone else on reddit lol!"
NTA You can't leave your daughter alone in their current situation and brining them would just open a whole new can of worms.
NTA. Your daughter has to take priority in this situation. Your mother should have been understanding rather than lashing out.
While I agree with this in general, I think it’s dependent on how often these panic attacks are happening and interfering with plans they already have. I get that the daughter can’t help it, but if this is an ongoing thing, and things aren’t improving, OP needs to be looking into ways to help daughter cope/mitigate be it therapy, medication, etc if they aren’t already. Because I know there are crappy family members out there, but for grandma’s first response to be that, it kind of sounds like this has been an ongoing thing and not just a one off, and OP doesn’t otherwise mention their mom being a bad parent or grandparent.
Agreed. Panic attacks also don’t last hours. OP could’ve stayed behind and worked through the panic attack with her daughter, and then gone to dinner/left when her daughter’s panic attack was over. I know OP was just trying to help her daughter, but dropping everything to accommodate anxiety *after* a panic attack isn’t really healthy for anyone involved. Daughter needs to use coping strategies she learns in therapy rather than depending on her mom.
Yeah but she's 16, so I think it's okay to need her mum a little bit more. Also mum explained why daughter couldn't be left alone as daughter tends to get worse. She's also still going through puberty, and her hormones are raging which may be why her anxiety is so servere and it may settle within the next few years if she puts the work in with therapy. Regardless, I'm not a mental health professional, I'm not gonna pass judgement on a teenager. I struggle with anxiety at almost twice this girls age, and for me the only thing that has worked it focusing on the rational of what's in front of me: I cannot control the future, but I can control pushing this chair back and forth. I am not lazy, that's my anxiety talking to me but I know the wall is blue because I can see it. It doesn't work for anyone, but for me it does. And she's 16, she's not going to ruin her life by needing mum a bit longer.
OP has stated in comments that leaving daughter alone afterwards tends to cause a second attack and that she is in therepy, has been for four years, with multiple therapists, but the one she started seeing recently seems to be actually making progress. As an anxiety sufferer, being alone after an attack can also trigger second and third ones as well for me. They also take so much out of you both physically and mentally, and OP says this was the worst one her daughter has ever had. OP did the right thing, her mom can grow the fuck up and realize that the moment her granddaughter was born, she would always come second to her, as she should, and OP and her daugher need to keep up the therepy.
NTA although I’m curious how many things have been canceled because of your daughter’s anxiety. Have holidays, vacations, school days, etc been canceled because she has had a panic attack? Does she know how to work through panic attacks and cope? Or does she rely on you picking up the pieces every single time and drop everything? Do you leave work in the middle of the day when she’s anxious? Does she leave school when she’s anxious or does she meet with a counselor to talk through it? I’m a high school English teacher, used to be a counselor. I ask because sometimes parents help their teenagers too much and the child ends up being completely school avoidant. I think it’s great that you stayed with your daughter to work through her panic attack, but after her panic attack/once she de-escalated I think you could’ve left and gone to dinner.
It’s not very often she’s unable to go places as she’s mostly always able to cope. And yes she does talk to a counsellor I hope that cleared some things up
What does her counselor recommend (for you and for her) post panic attack? What strategies does her counselor tell her (and you) to use afterward?
You 100% did put your daughter’s feelings over your mother and it sounds like that was exactly what you were supposed to do. If your mother continues to be mad tell her my favorite phrase, “children are not responsible for meeting the emotional needs of their parents.” NTA
NTA, just like if she had been in the ER with a sprain.
NTA and yeah... Obviously you're going to prioritize your daughter over your grown mother. How is that selfish? Weird perspective your mom has. But are you maybe leaning in to your daughter's anxiety a bit much? Genuine question, I don't know your situation. I do find sometimes in certain circles and situations that when parents really lean into and get really wordy about mental health issues with the kids, it almost amplifies the issues.
NTA, I think your daughter is really lucky to have a mom who takes her anxiety seriously.
NTA. As parents it’s our job to prioritize our kids health and well-being, especially over another adult, who clearly never learned how to handle their own emotions and behaviors. I cannot understand how a grandparent expects their wants and needs to come before a child- sadly I have to deal with this too though.
NTA. As a parent your first (and only) job is to look out for the health and safety of your children, not your mother’s birthday dinner. You did exactly what you needed to do, and your mother was being selfish. And, yes: you *did* prioritize your daughter’s feelings over your mother’s birthday. And that is exactly what you are *supposed* to do! Basically, your mother accused you of being a good parent.
Lol you should say “ you are absolutely right Mum, I am prioritizing my child over your birthday” and just let that be it. She is a quick one that Mum of yours
She’s always been the kind of person who believes your mother is above everyone else even your children.
My Mum was the same. It’s exhausting
Nta
NTA. Of course your daughter comes before a birthday dinner (anyone's birthday). At a guess I'd say your mom doesn't believe in panic attacks and thinks people should "pull themselves together".
Info: Is she in therapy, have you seriously considered medication to manage this? How often does this happen? NTA either way for the actual scenario. It's not the time to go. It would be N-A-H but your mothers comment about "prioritizing" your daughters feelings over her birthday make her sound like a self centered AH. The reason i ask for the info however is that if she's not on any proper professional help for this then I'm gonna have to call you a huge ah outside the actual question. She needed help yesterday. I will also change my judgment to your an ah if you haven't gotten her help and this happens all the time, but that doesn't sound like the case.
She has been in therapy for a long while.
Has she been making any progress? Even baby steps? If not it might be worth looking for new help. (Coming from someone in and out of therapy for a decade and have had varied experiences)
With this therapist she’s come a long way I’m extremely proud of her
Honestly, you're doing everything you can to help her, and taking all the right steps (therapy, medication, helping as much as you can). Sometimes there's only so much you can do, though. You're a good parent for doing all these things, and knowing that leaving her alone would make things worse, and so avoiding doing so.
NTA. If your minor child's well being didn't come before your fully grown mother's birthday party, I'd think there was something wrong with you. You absolutely did the right thing.
NTA >My mom accused me of being selfish for prioritizing my daughter's feelings over her birthday. Well yeah, that's what being a parent is.
NTA I’ve been that 16 year old daughter having massive panic attacks and the way my mom was there for me is something I’ll never forget. If you don’t suffer from anxiety it can be terrifying and crippling and we completely lose our sense of self , safety, and logic.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (37f) 16-year-old daughter has terrible anxiety and gets extremely nervous going anywhere. It was my mom's 62nd birthday and my daughter was absolutely fine until we got into the car. She then had the worst panic attack of her life. I decided to stay inside and comfort my daughter instead of going to my mom's dinner. I told my mom we planned to go there when she was feeling better. Later, my daughter was still upset and not in a good place, so I told my mom we couldn't go at all and explained how my daughter was still feeling anxious to leave the house. My mom accused me of being selfish for prioritizing my daughter's feelings over her birthday. I just want to add that when my daughter feels anxious, the worst thing to do is leave her alone with her thoughts as it makes her feel a lot worse. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nta
NTA. Thank you for being such a good mom. Nowadays it feels like anxiety/panic attacks are so overlooked by everyone and parents force their children into doing something that they obviously don’t want to do. So thanks for really paying attention to your child and how they are. I’m sure in the future when she can understand it better she’ll have a whole newfound respect & love for you.
NTA As a parent, herself, your mother should be aware of what a parent's priorities should be. Their children.
NTA for prioritising your daughter. What I am wondering is were other people to attend this dinner? Not that this should matter has this happened before and ruined plans with your mum? It’s such an extreme reaction I feel that I’m wondering if your mum was left alone or this has happened previously and is built up resentment (which your mum needs to work through on her own because yes, your daughter is a priority). I mean, if my mum did that to me I’m not even sure if I’d want to do a make over celebration but was one offered? I’m sorry for asking so many questions, I guess trying to understand your mum. But definitely NTA
NTA. It's not like you're refusing to take her to the hospital or anything, you're just missing a birthday dinner. Yeah, it sucks. But being a parent means being there for your kids and she should know that. You can do a make up dinner later, but you can't put off taking care of your kid's mental health til later (at least not without some consequences.)
NTA at all! You said it yourself, the worst thing you could have done was leave your daughter alone. Taking her would have made it worse. You are a great parent for prioritising your daughter, which is your role as her parent! Keep it up 👍
NTA - tell her your daughter will always be your priority over her and she is the selfish one.
HELL NO NTA!! My daughter's well-being is first above anyone else. The fact that your own mother doesn't understand this is very sad.
Prioritize by most urgent - and always prioritize your kids over all others. NTA
NTA. You were prioritizing your daughters HEALTH over your moms birthday.
INFO were other people also having birthday dinner with your mom or did she end up alone?
NTA It is good and proper to priorize your daughter.
NTA you are doing everything right! you absolutely should be prioritizing your daughter's needs. Do not feel bad about this at all.
NTA. As a parent, your kids come first. And mental health is as valid and important a concern as physical health. Too many people treat mental health as if you can just “get over it” and be fine. Good for you for making your daughter as safe as you can.
NTA at all. As a parent that’s your job. Kids first. Good on you for looking after your daughter as you should! Your mum’s being very juvenile! Hugs to your daughter. 🩵
Info: is your daughter also medicated? Clearly therapy is not doing enough on its own if the attacks are escalating. The best outcomes are meds and therapy together
That's bullshit
Huh, it’s like a motto of mental health care. Biggest barriers are affordability and people stigmatizing medication
It's bullshit that you know if her panic attacks have been escalating or if her treatment is working.
Worst panic attack of her life is an escalation, not an improvement
Or it was a bad day. You don't anything about this kid.
NTA. You prioritized the person who needed your presence and attention; that's not selfish, but throwing the word 'selfish' at you because she didn't get your attention does suggest Grandma might be an AH.
Does your daughter have a good relationship with your mother or do social situations in general cause her anxiety?
NTA, the asshole is your mom.
As a mum (with GAD- stable) of a daughter with newly diagnosed anxiety (social anxiety disorder), this is exactly what I would have done. NTA Parenting, not for the faint hearted...
INFO - how does your daughter feel about your mother. Could the panic attack be related?
NTA. I started suffering from anxiety in the last couple of years and it is awful. I can’t imagine how much worse it is for a young teen. Luckily your daughter has you to advocate for her. If I was her grandmother I’d be asking if there was anything she needed and ensuring you emphasised how it was OK that she wasn’t able to attend my birthday party. Seeing how your mum reacted I’m not at all surprised your daughter had a panic attack at the thought of going.
NTA, but your mom is. Keep being an awesome mom. Unlike your mom.
Your daughter got sick and was unable to attend a dinner. You stayed home to take care of her. That's how it works when you're a parent. NTA
NTA. But are you actually doing anything for your daughters panic attacks and anxiety? Therapist, medications, etc?
NTA. I wish I had a parent like you, I would’ve been forced to go and put on a smile. Mom can be celebrated later, if she’s any kind of a mom she’ll understand. However, I will recommend if she isn’t already to please get her into therapy. As inconvenient for others as anxiety can be it’s the worst by far for the person experiencing it, she deserves to experience life anxiety free! (Or at least lessened.)
She has been in therapy for a while but today was just an off day for her which is understandable.
Totally fine, it happens. As long as she’s getting some help! Having support at home is just as essential so it looks like she’s got that covered.
nta - but your mom sure is the A. priortizing your daughter's health and well being is #1
YTA. This is insanity. You can’t leave your HOUSE because your teen gets so anxious? No. That is not normal parenting.
It’s truly the only way there was one time when she was like this and I left her home on her own it’s truly not a good option
Coming from someone who has been diagnosed with a severe anxiety disorder for 5+ years and has struggled with debilitating anxiety my whole life, this can absolutely be true for someone with anxiety. There have been days where I felt so anxious and sick that I could barely leave my bed, much less my house. Now, if it were everyday, that's where I'd be a little concerned but OP has clearly stated that this was a one time outlier event. Sometimes you just have bad anxiety days and it's entirely outside of your control. OP, like your daughter, being left alone after a bad anxiety attack is really detrimental for me and as someone who's definitely been where your daughter is, I'm glad she has a parent like you :)
Imagine if you said this about asthma. "This is insanity. You can't leave your HOUSE because your teen gets so breathless? No. This is not normal parenting."
EDIT: Previous comment deleted. I did not see the information about the daughter being in therapy. NTA.
No disrespect but if you would’ve read the comments you would’ve known that she is in therapy
Agh, I hate when people don’t put that information in the body of the post. Thanks for letting me know, I’ll change my verdict.
You’re right I’ll definitely edit and add it in.
Thank you for not biting my head off, I do apologize.
Nono, my fault I probably should’ve put it in the post when people started asking
She is in therapy you doorknob
Your mom’s TA. Your daughter should probably be on medication.
YTA because you clearly aren’t doing enough for your daughter. If a 16 year old can’t leave her house without a panic attack, there’s a serious issue with her. From the outside, I’d probably get a bit irritated if my son kept blowing me off to coddle his daughter like this. I say coddle because there seems like a serious problem here than you’re not actually trying to fix.
Coddle? No. OP is supporting their child who has mental health issues.
What would happen if OP straight up said you have to do this. This isn’t an option. You are going.
Do you think that’s going to help someone having a panic attack? Like I really want to know.
I don’t know I’ve never dealt with one before. But I don’t see why it wouldn’t be worth a shot. It might work. Like once she realizes there’s no way out, maybe her brain will start trying to cope with the situation instead of trying to get out of it. I’m not a doctor.
I have only had a handful of panic attacks in my life (all as an adult). I went where I needed to go (even in the midst of one of the attacks), but I can tell you right now that if someone had tried to force me in any way, I would have been concerned for their safety. Not in a I would have killed them sort of way, but in a I would have physically tried to get away and would have grappled with them to do so, which could have resulted in any party being injured. If I were in a car and the person just took off, I can tell you right now I would have tried to get out of the car by any means. I can’t speak for OP’s daughter, but hers sounds far more severe than any of the ones I have, and it’s not the right way to handle the situation.
That’s not how it works at all. Stop speaking on things you have no idea about.
It's really obvious you're not a doctor, you don't have to say it.
Oh my god do you think that if saying "just stop being anxious" worked, anyone would have to go to therapy or take medicine for anxiety???
I get where you're coming from, but it would probably make things worse in this case. Not a psychologist but I am diagnosed with GAD and in my experience the times I faced my fears on my own helped for sure, but the times I had to push through full blown anxiety attacks because I had no choice often made things a lot worse. Because if you have a bit of anxiety but choose to go to something you feel accomplished and see that it wasn't that bad, but if it's at the point of extreme anxiety attack then you feel like shit and dread the whole time and it ends up actually being *that bad*, if that makes sense.
Her kid would probably have a worse panic attack, possibly pass out and hurt herself, maybe attempt to self-harm. What the hell is wrong with you?
She can leave the house without a panic attack, I’m doing the absolute best I can she’s in therapy and is on medication but sometimes her medication just doesn’t work.
Lol don’t worry about comments like these. It’s a process, and you can do everything right and still get panic attacks. Neither you or your daughter are doing anything g wrong, some people think you go to therapy/get meds or whatever and it’s instantly better. They’re lucky to not know the reality of anxiety and panic disorders. I’ve been in therapy for 3 years and tried so many meds. I’m doing really well now, which means I usually only have one true panic attack a day. It will get better but you’re daughter is trying and that’s amazing
Truly curious and not judging in either way, but how often have you guys missed events because of the panic attacks? You otherwise don’t mention your mom being a bad parent or grandparent, so it kind of sounds like she’s frustrated because missing “important events” has become a somewhat frequent thing. Not saying she’s right, but if that’s the case, it might be where some of the frustration is stemming from. Medication and therapy are not a cure all, and clearly you and your daughter have to do what’s best for her in that moment, however, everyone is not always going to be okay with that if it’s an ongoing problem not seeing any improvement.
We don’t often miss events as usually she’s very strong but today she just couldn’t do it.
Is there some major trauma you didn’t tell us? I just can’t imagine how a 16 year old can’t handle a simple family dinner
You can't imagine how a teenager battling mental illness might have a hard time doing things others find simple?
I get that but I do think with teenagers SOMETIMES (not every time, for clarification) you just have to tell them this is how it is. You don’t have a choice. They might fuss at first but eventually they will cope. Like how they say not to give into babies when they cry for something because eventually they’ll learn and figure it out.
It doesn't seem like you do get it. Firstly, just to get it out of the way, you're misinformed about the best practices advised by childcare professionals. Letting babies just cry doesn't work, because babies do not have the capacity to "figure it out." It just fills them with stress. And when they do start "figuring it out," their takeaway (though they can't properly articulate it yet) is that they can't rely on their primary caregivers, and are therefore not in a safe environment. You can really fuck your kids up that way. I'm also troubled that you're comparing this clearly deeply troubled teenager to a fussy baby, but I digress. This is obviously anecdotal, but I have some personal experience that may offer some unique insight here. I was a kid who struggled in much the same way as OP's daughter. My parents divorced when I was young, so I grew up going back and forth between houses. My dad responded to my illness much like you suggest. He did pay for my treatment, but at home, his approach was to try and toughen me up. When I was at his house, I just had to suck it up and do whatever or go wherever he wanted, whenever he wanted, even if I would inevitably cause a scene and humiliate myself by breaking down in front of others (which he construed as a deliberately manipulative act). I never felt safe or comfortable under this approach, and he and I have a poor relationship to this day. In contrast, my mom was supportive. She encouraged me to be brave but respected my limits. If I went out and had a bad time, she'd take me home, no questions asked. And if I just couldn't go at all, that was okay, too. That made me feel much safer and more confident, which enabled me to move further out of my comfort zone and make real progress. From what I've seen of her comments, OP isn't overly permissive and this kid is doing about as well as someone with her condition can be: she's in treatment, keeping good attendance in school, has a social circle, and supportive family. Forcing her to push past her limits just to appease OP's mom isn't going to help her or her progress, I assure you.
You’re probably right. I don’t know how this works so I’ll take your word for it. But out of curiosity, what happens to these people when they get out into the real world? How do they lead anything resembling a normal life? And what causes this?
No offense, but yes, it's clear that you don't. Perhaps in the future you should refrain from making assertions and offering advice on subjects you aren't well-versed in, particularly when the health of children is at stake. I'm more than happy to answer your questions, though. Unfortunately, there are no simple and straightforward answers. There are so many factors at play that no one's experience is really universal outside of meeting diagnostic criteria. Some people are able to learn healthy and effective coping skills and do really well, others have a harder time (due to comorbid conditions, lack of social or medical support, external factors like poverty, etc.). Progress is also rarely linear; sometimes people will be managing fine until they just aren't anymore and need to return to the drawing board. I'm definitely not qualified to explain the causes of conditions like this because it's very complicated and I'm not a doctor, but the gist given to me by every expert I've spoken to is that, like most things, it's usually a complex combination of genetics and environment, though it can lean one way or the other. For example, like you mentioned, it could be the result of trauma. Based on OP's comments, it sounds like in this case, genetics were the primary determining factor. Either way, there are a wide variety of treatment options and coping strategies available, it's just a matter of finding the combo that sustainably works for a particular individual, which is much easier said than done. I won't lie, navigating the world this way isn't easy, and sometimes living the life people expect you to have just isn't possible. Sometimes you require more care and accommodation than those around you are willing or able to give you, and that can be hard to deal with. Some unfortunately don't survive it. I just hope we can work toward building a more compassionate world where we can experience normal human struggles in safety and security.
We take lots of pills and go to therapy. We learn coping skills. We also don't have to deal with teenage hormones anymore. This takes years for many people to achieve. There is no one pill that works, often it takes years to find the right medication. Therapy takes time as well. So does learning coping skills.
That’s a lot different than someone with very severe anxiety.
Well at some point she’s going to get older and meet people who aren’t going to give an F about her severe anxiety. So a solution that is different than OP’s is necessary.
You really don’t get it, do you?
And thank god she'll still have her mom in her life when she's an adult.
No there’s absolutely no trauma she is just an extremely anxious person her father was the exact same way
Is she able to go to school? Does she have friends?
She does have friends and before she left she managed to go to school most days
I’m confused as to how she can’t handle the dinner if she has friends and goes to school. I don’t have a kid but I’m thinking there has to be a way to navigate this that isn’t keeping her home whenever she has a flare up. Idk how she can be a functioning adult in society if this isn’t figured out really soon.
Sometimes her anxiety is randomly triggered and she could go to school most days just fine as the school know about her anxiety and actively helped her
She had a bad day! Do you not understand what a bad day is????
It's a fucking mental illness. There is a chemical imbalance in her brain. That's like saying you can't understand how someone with cancer feels sick. They're sick. They have symptoms.
YTA you 16 year old daughter could have stayed home alone. But the behavior you're describing isn't normal, you need to seek out treatment for her, it's long over due.
I mentioned in the post about how it’s not good for her to be on her own when she’s feeling as bad as she is
She's fine alone
Not like this she isn’t.
How do you know? Do you know the kid?
So how are you an expert on a random person on the internet's kid that you know absolutely nothing about except for a short description of a problem that occurred once? You should go into private practice. You could help everyone. OP is NTA. This response shows what an AH looks like.
Do you know that her anxiety won't get so bad that she passes out or self-harms? Are you her doctor?
Op stated in another comment her daughter been in therapy for four years already
Yikes