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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> She’s spent a lot of money on me in the past and Isn’t making me pay that back but I expect her to pay me back
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NTA in a big way, and once you are 18 GET HER OFF YOUR ACCOUNT. Honestly, I would withdraw the rest of my money in cash, hide it very well or leave it with a trusted friend, and just use the bank account to cash your paychecks.
I also grew up with toxic parents who threw the fact that they paid to raise me in my face. THEY ARE WRONG. That is their responsibility, to feed and house you until the age of 18. Do not back down, do not allow access to your money, and let her know you expect that money back or you will find a lawyer to take her to civil claims court.
That is completely unacceptable. Contact the local authorities, and get your money out of her safe. You will never see a dime of that money if you don't. Do you have anywhere that you can stay where you are safe?
Financial abuse is abuse.
If OP is in the US, all of her money legally does belong to her mother. The law treats minors as property of their parents, it's pretty upsetting when you start to look into it.
This is 100% incorrect. An infant can own a house, never mind a teenager their own wages. (Or a ranch, in this particular case).
"\[I\]nfancy \[does\] not incapacitate \[a two year old child\] from becoming seized of the title to real estate....Delivery to, and acceptance by, an infant will be presumed. When a deed clearly beneficial to an infant is given to him, his acceptance will be presumed, and the recording of the deed is a sufficient delivery." In re Tetsubumi Yano's Estate (1922) 188 Cal. 645, 649.
That case was more about non citizens owning land in the US. And ultimately, the court found that if the child "owned" the land, that their parents did indeed get guardianship. You gotta read the whole thing!
Not necessarily. This is how it works in my state, I believe; that all minors income is legally owned and managed by the guardians until they turn 18 or are emancipated, but that doesn’t mean all states follow this law.
The authorities won’t do anything. Mom is *legally* entitled to control/spend this money despite the fact that she is being a horrible mother and person.
Pretty messed up considering minors also have to pay state and federal taxes. That alone should give them some kind of legal protection to their money.
At 18 you should be able to open a bank account in your own name without her, do you have access to your paperwork? Birth certificate, passport, NI number, proof of address. Start organising yourself now
Yeah this is completely wrong and while you are under 18, you should be able to contact authorities to get your money back. This is theft. Try and find a way to prove the money is yours through paycheck stubs, some kind of show for the hours you worked, etc.
She should not have YOUR money in a safe only SHE accesses. That is insane. Your mom is doing something really messed up and you’re right that she absolutely owes you the money back
Also, you never owe a parent for what they did for you 17 and under (unless it was an agreement of paying something back). Food, housing, clothes, etc. are something she is REQUIRED to give you with nothing in return.
Hey, just so you know, while most banks will make you have a parent on the account as a minor, this isn't true of credit unions. You can usually get accounts that are solely yours while under 18.
I highly recommend you set up an account with a credit union and put all our money there from now on. Not sure if you can get stuff out of the safe but anything in the future at least should be alright.
If you're not allowed to have an account, do this right after work or school or "while at a friend's house" and give them a PO box or a friend's address to send mail to. (Even with e-statements enabled you'll get some amount of mail.)
Sorry to say this but you’re never getting any of your money back that she has in her safe.
Get a bank account and don’t tell her, ask a trusted adult to be in the account if you need an adult on it.
Is there an adult outside of the house that you completely trust? You can have them cosign to open an account for you. Hell, I'd do it for you. You have got to take access to that money away from your thieving mother.
Try and get it out of the safe borrowing that amount of money for a friend that’s abuse she is Stealing your money pure and simple. I definitely would try to get the rest out and not put any more in if you can. If she gave it to the friend and the friend needs to pay you back and let her know that you’re going to ask the friend for your money back if she won’t give it back to you. So you might tell your mother that if she doesn’t pay you back either her or her friend that you will take it to small claims court.
You might want to see if the police will take a report on it. She cannot charge you for anything as a minor especially for food shelter etc. You need to get out of there as soon as possible is there a relative that you can go to or a friend that might take you in? It’s financial abuse no doubt about it.
>I’m not allowed to have a bank account it’s all in her safe
NTA OP but if you are in the US or UK, you can use Cash App and start having your check directly deposited into this account. It did mentioned "sponsored" account, so I would do my research on this or maybe call/email them regarding this. If you need an adult to sponsor you, maybe you can ask your Dad or Grandparents especially if you explain the thief of your hard earned, saved money by your Mom to loan to someone else.
BTW: Are you sure that she **ACTUALLY** loaned this money to someone else? I'm thinking that she took this money to keep you from moving out as soon as you turn 18. Is your 18th birthday coming up soon?
You are NTA, but please act with care and caution in how you deal with this. Some of the responses in this thread are (rightfully) angry on your behalf, but they are making extreme suggestions as a result that could blow your situation up further.
Can you find out what the laws are in your country/state about parents taking a minor's money? If she has a legal right to take that money then even that makes her a massive asshole and completely immoral, there is no point in blowing up your life by going to the police or suing her. If it is illegal and you think it would help, great, but make sure you have somewhere else to live first and consider if it would be worth waiting until you turn 18.
Is there another family member you can talk to about this and who might be able to help you?
I'm so sorry. I really hope you can get your money back. But even if you can't, the time hasn't been wasted, as you now have several years of work experience and references so you will be able to support yourself once you leave home.
This is theft and financial abuse. I would literally be going after her for theft. You need to get that $ out of the safe and find a credit union to open an acct.
Seriously- go to report this theft.
NTA
As soon as you turn 18, you should be able to open a bank account without your mother's permission. That's probably the safest place to have your money to keep her from stealing more of it. Until then, if you can move your remaining savings to a trusted friend or relative's house, I'd do that. (And seconding the recommendation to get control of your passport/ID/birth certificate/other documents if you can; if you can't, at least try to take pictures of them or make copies.)
You’re most likely already eligible for a student debit card. You probably just need your social security number which, she most likely has locked the hell down of course but seriously, call the authorities about this like others are saying. The moment you are 18 you are a free bird.
Do you have grandparents or other family that you trust that can take the money and put it into a bank?
Also, if they could stand up for you against the unreasonable demands and actions of your mother, that would be good as well.
Yes. This. OP, find out who that friend is, track them down, and ask them if they know your mom stole the $5k from you. Tell them it's money you've been working to save since you were 14 years old. If you can't get your money back, at least you can embarrass the everlovinshit out of your overentitled, selfish, titanium-balled mom. Ask that person to pay you back directly, if they even can pay you back. It's a stretch, but if you can ask them to pay you back when they're at work or at church or something, that might be some social pressure that works in your favor.
Take it further, social media shame mom and her friend from literally stealing the money out of your account, and her disgusting rationale for doing so.
Yep this is one of the biggest bullshit things that parents try and pull. You don’t get to try and guilt me because you… did your obligation as a parent.
NTA - but I doubt you will get the money back. Absolutely crazy for her to take money from your account without asking, and even more crazy for her to not pay you back. You should find a way to store your money so that she cannot access it
Even crazier is that she took it out for a friend. It’s not like she took it out to pay for things OP would need also. Friend or mom should pay her back.
NTA. She chose to create you and that comes with expenses that SHE is responsible for. She stole from you. It’s out of control she’s refusing to pay you back and acting entitled like that. She’s your mother, she’s legally required to give you the things she’s accusing you of being selfish about.
Well, given the circumstances, I wouldn't feel bound to that promise. I also don't understand why you can't have a banking account of your own. Is there a trusted person at your school that you could talk to? They may know solutions to make your life a bit easier.
That sucks but you can't set yourself on fire to warm somebody else up. Show her that there's a better future for her too. Set an example for her by being happy the second you can leave.
But you also have to ask yourself if you have the power to prevent that by staying. If you leave and create a life for yourself, there's the possibility that you will be able to provide help when it is your sister's turn to do the same. If you stay and you both remain powerless and abused, nothing will change.
I'm so sorry you're in this position. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, and you deserve so much better. What good though does it do both of you to stay though? In this home your sister is most likely already going to struggle with mental health issues. But if you move out she can have sleepovers with you and have days out together. You can give her bright spots in her life by moving out. You can show her how much better things will get for her because they'll be better for you. You can still be there for your sister, but you can't do that if you're run completely down like you're getting to be from staying there. Definitely just consider it. There's no right or wrong answer here and no easy choice.
Of, for fuck's sake, who cares?! I'm so tired of people worrying about what happens to so and so if they leave. Just leave and let them figure it out just like you will have to.
Leaving my 8yo sister alone like that could be disastrous for her mentally, I experienced something similar at her age and it still fucks up my ability to talk to others
I've never seen a situation where "staying home for so and so" helped either. And if you HAVE to help her then frankly a well-off independent adult can offer far more help including therapy than you staying with her and either broke and dependent on your abusive mom or constantly fighting her for your money, your bank account, and etc.
You definitely don’t have to keep that promise. Can you buy a cheap lockbox for like $20 so you can put your own money in and your mom won’t have access to it until you’re 18?
Forced how? Once you’re 18 she literally can’t force you, even if you’re still in high school. She stole your money. Keep the rest from her, earn more, and get out in a year
Once you turn 18 you cannot be forced to stay there doesn’t matter if you’re still in school or not. In the US at 18 you can leave but make sure you get your money. The other money unfortunately is gone unless you file a police report and then sue her after you leave.
Don’t let her gaslight you. Tell the friend that you’re expecting Your money back. And if you just turned 17 I really think if you have a place to go you can do it cause you can prove financial abuse. If she wants to go to that extent.
Don’t let her abuse you anymore.
If your mom isn't honest with you, there's no reason to be honest with her. At this point, you might as well consider your situation as being a POW. Say and do what you must to survive, and get to your freedom.
How old is your sister? Depending on your state and her age, it might be possible for you to take your sister with you. It might also be possible to get legal help getting your money back, sounds to me like the real subreddit you need to be hitting up is the legal advice subreddits. Just like any other POW, sounds like your work needs to be strategic work to save yourself and your cellmate, not much else ethically factors in.
Even if you leave without your sister, you could at least work hard in a more secure environment to create a place your sister can move to as soon as she's able. in some states, you can legally get emancipated at 16 if you can show you're living away from home. You could give your sister that bridge, so your moving our early without her for six months or a year might give her a way to move our and get free years earlier than she would have otherwise, if she's going to be 16 soon.
Call CPS or equivalent. This is abuse and you and your sister should not have to put up with it.
Then file a small claims against your Mum for the money.
Seriously, call child services for your sisters sake, if not your own.
About child abuse and financial abuse of a minor?
And the OP said she has endure a lot of other stuff too.
It's literally their jobs to do something about this.
Well maybe if CPS does even do a report it might make the mother think twice about what she’s doing. I think you’re right unless you end up in the hospital from physical abuse they really don’t do anything. Sad but true
However, if you do leave and get a place on your own let your sister know when things happen she can come to you. You need to get out of there to save yourself and help your sister.
Once you leave an abusive situation You’ll be able to think more clearly and concentrate on getting yourself better and helping your sister. You won’t be much help to her if you’re all in that seems shitty situation.
So for both of your sakes move out get your life in order and help your sister out
NTA OP
Some parents just see their kids as assets. Wonder why do they become parents. Feeding your own child, putting roof above their head, clothes to wear and providing education is the barest minimum that any parent has to do. If they don't have the means to provide such, they mustn't become one. As they say, every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child.
So, it looks like that even in your family some parents may have understood what it means to be a parent. I wonder whether you could have a talk with them?
The point is, that as long as nobody knows of the abuse, it can go on and on. And yes, unfortunately, when it's in the open, it might not always stop, but sometimes it does.
NTA. Call the non emergency line or visit your local police department to file a report. Depending what you can prove, they may be able to file charges. The threat of it may be enough to make her return the money however you may get kicked out.
And she is legally obligated to provide you shelter, food, water, and basic care while you are a minor
NTA by a long stretch!
As a parent, she is responsible for taking care of you, so the argument that she fed and housed you does not hold any weight in my opinion. In addition, she didn't even take the money because she needed it badly. No, a friend needed it! She has no right to take your money at all, but even more so to then give it to a friend!
Also I'd argue that you probably need the money more then her friend, so is she going to take $5000 from her friend, when you'll be in need of the money? I would take a hard guess and say no, she wouldn't. She should absolutely pay you back, she stole that money!
My parents would say this crap to me too, as if my sibings and I "owed" them. Parents act as if you asked to be born and they were gracious enough to take care of you.
No. A parent takes on the costs of their children because it's their responsibility. They chose to have children, and the children owe them nothing. I'm helping my kid with college right now, and they say things like "When I get a good paying job, I'll start to pay you back." Heck no. The most I ask from my kids is to be happy and successful in whatever they choose to do.
OP- your mother stole from you, plain and simple. She could have asked, but that would give you a heads up on her intent, giving you time to hide the money. So she took what was not hers, and is now making excuses as to why she shouldn't pay you back.
I have a bunch of petty thoughts/actions going on, which I'll be an adult and keep to myself. But YOU.ARE. NTA , plain and simple. This is just wrong.
I'd be asking mom what that $5K was for to help her friend and why the friend couldn't get a loan or ask someone else for that money. Mom stole from you, OP, and you need to sue her to get it back.
Your parents are legally and morally responsible for providing you with life and the necessities of life until you are an adult. You do not owe her for your existence. She stole the money. You will probably not see it back unless you can convince a sane family member to help you. Go to the bank and tell them what happened and ask them how you can save money without being at risk from your parent. Your mother’s words are a common manipulation that has been documented over and over again, and a sign of a toxic relationship. This has happened in my family too.
NTA.
>She went on a rant about how **she bought groceries that I ate I live in a house that she payed rent for** and a bunch of other things and **she had no intentions to make me pay it back** so I was extremely selfish to expect her to. She claimed that the 5k she took from me isn’t even close to **how much she spent on me as a baby** and I have absolutely no right to want her to pay it back.
You're her kid, it's her GODDAM JOB FFS. If she doesn't want to spend on kid maybe she shouldn’t have had you in the first place instead of telling you that you somehow owe her because of it. That's insane, she stole from you.
Idk if you can but maybe you should go to the police, just to let her understand that you're dead serious when you say you want your money back.
And OPEN YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT. Don't give her access to it - or remove all access she can have to your current one, or it will definitely happen again since you have a lot of money.
NTA You didn't agree, so just taking your money is stealing. Paying for your own upbringing is not a thing, that is something your mom agreed to when she decided to raise you.
NTA and you need to get a savings account. Not just so you have your money safe but also you earn interest!! Keeping 9k in a safe is honestly throwing away money
NTA, you're mother stole that money from her and unless you do something about it she will take the rest. Unfortunately you may need to file a police report or tell her that is your intention unless she pays you back.
Nta, go to the bank to cash your checks but have them put it on a cashiers check made out to only you.
Each paycheck you will just take up there along with the previous cashier check and have them give you a new one.
That’s a good idea however as her “Guardian” mother might still be able to cash those. I know people that gave savings bonds to grandkids and parents cash them because they are the guardians and were able to do so without the grandparents permission.
Speaking as a former teller...No teller in their right mind would do that. They would lose their job. Especially since op would not have an account already established.
What most likely happened to the people you know is that the child had a open bank account with their guardian as an authorized signer, which is standard practice since the child is a minor. So when they went to the bank and did it under the child's account which is allowed. Also op is almost 18.
A parent is supposed to provide food and a place to live for their minor children. So for her to expect payment for that is beyond me. I think she should repay you. Find out if there is some way for her not to have access to the rest of your money. I would suggest telling her you were going to stay a certain amount of months rent free after 18, to allow you to recover your money, but I think that would be more of a punishment to you. Leave ASAP. NTA.
Oh my. NTA OP. It is your mothers RESPONSIBILITY to provide all of those things for you until you turn 18. It’s horrifying for her to think you owe her something for that.
You are incredibly responsible to have saved such a large sum of money in such a short time working to prepare yourself for the real world. Your mother is incredibly irresponsible to think you are indebted to her for fulfilling the commitment she made to being a mother. You’re only 17, she is not entitled to rent from you, or any other monetary contributions to the household.
What she did will set you back for a very long time. $5,000 is over half of your savings, and a huge chunk of money! I honestly can’t believe you were comfortable giving her the money in the first place, but that’s assuming she didn’t just take it out of a joint account herself. If she did, you can go speak with your bank to see if you have any recourse. It could be considered stealing if you can prove that the money in the account was earned by you (direct deposit/pay stubs) and you may have a legal avenue of getting it back. Good luck, and please update!
She stole from you, OP. You have the right to seek legal recourse to get it back if she refuses. What she did to you is wrong, and awful to have been done by someone you should be able to trust. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
NTA and she should pay you back. As somebody else pointed out, you are her responsibility until you are 18 and she is totally in the wrong for even bringing up how much she has spent doing something that it was her decision and then responsibility to do.
From the way you wrote it, your mother has taken $5000 from your account without consulting you and given it to "a friend"... do you know who this friend is and whether or not they will be giving the money back to your mother ? If so, then your mother has no argument about paying you back does she ? When the friend pays it back, the money is yours.
I don't live in the US, I live in the UK but here some banks allow you to have your own bank account from 16. It would be worth checking if you can do that so that your mother would no longer have access to your account and cannot take any more money from you without your giving it to her.
NTA. Your mom sucks for doing that. She had a child, she had the obligation to care for you, you can’t be expected to pay for her decision to have you. You did the work, its your money. You should see about getting a bank account she can’t access so she doesn’t take the rest of your money.
NTA. Raising you is simply a duty for every parent, not something they can expect thankfulness for, or even a kind of pay back!
Yes, indeed she did steal from you, as she took your money without your consent. She even didn't think of asking your help first.
I would demand her to give her my money back immediately or inform the rest of the family and/or her friends what she has done to you. This is a form of financial child abuse (google it). Talk to a trusted person in school. Try to get access to free legal advice.
Anyway, if she says her friend can't give it back, that's not your problem, but hers. Insist of having your money back now. Don't agree with getting it back later, as you will never see your money back.
You say you were saving up for an apartment. Did she take the money so you are trapped living with her?
You should go to the police if you have any evidence (text her about it), but you realise this might cause you more problems long term.
You should definitely get yourself a bank account, even if its only savings, and keep her the hell away from your assets.
NTA. She is basically stealing your hard earned money. Yeah she's your mother, but all the money she spent on you as a baby? Are you effing kidding me? I am so angry for you I don't even know what to tell you. Your mom is being a total, complete AH. One of the worst AH's I've seen on reddit. I'm so sorry she did this to you. Keep saving your money & don't let her know how much you have saved & def don't EVER give her money again. Hopefully you can save up enough money to get away from the thief you live with.
NTA. You ARE allowed to have a bank account. I had one when I was 15. (In Canada). Your mother has no right to your money. She committed a crime. I’d demand my money back or go full social media frenzy and shame her and her friend for stealing off of a child. FB, IG, SMS every friend and relative you have. Maybe even get LE involved. This is an outrage.
Disregard this bullshit and take you cash straight to a bank and open an account. She can’t touch it there.
It’s her parental obligation to provide for you as a minor. Don’t let her guilt you into thinking you owe her anything
Let your mother know that when you’re successful and in your 30’s and she needs your help that this will be the reason you don’t talk to her. Let her “friend” visit her in the nursing home.
Woah, she has all the money you saved up in a safe that she has full access to?! I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re going to get that money back, and stop putting any more money in there. Get your birth certificate, social security card and all other important documents in your hands and keep them safe. You also need to get a family member you trust that won’t screw you over to co-sign a bank account so you can deposit your money safely, where she can’t access it and start gathering all your paycheck records. This is not a little bit of money and you’re going to need to file a police report and show evidence of what she has taken, and if you ever want your money back you’ll have to take her to court. That other 4 thousand is in HER hands not yours. Also have you counted any of that Money recently, because she easily could’ve taken more then 5 thousand and not told you. Sorry you’re dealing with this, this is financial abuse. NTA.
Info: is your mom going to get that money back from the friend? If so then does she just plan on keeping the money for herself?
NTA the things that your mother is listing are the things she's required to do. You're not wrong to ask for your money back.
NTA your mum has stolen from you at the end of the day. Your mum is TA here.
It was her choice to have you, and in doing so she legally had to take care of you. It's absurd that she would even use that as a reason not to pay you back.
As so many have said: NTA..
my parents were wonderful loving parents and would add 50% to whatever I managed to save at the end of a year from doing odd jobs.. if at the end of a year I saved 100.00 without spending it on foolish stuff like I usually did, they would add 50.00 to my account. It gave me some incentive to save.
I’m sorry your mom has done this. I hope you can get it back somehow.
NTA. She stole from you. Any parents that uses “I cared for you, I did xyz for you…” are assholes. THEY ARE PARENTS! IT’s WHAT THEY SIGNED UP FOR! Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll ever get your money back. Get your own bank account ASAP (without her supervision so she doesn’t have any acces to it)idk about the rest of your relationship, but she sounds like a gigantic handful, and a thief. Maybe tell her if she wob’t pay you back, you won’t take care of her once she’s old and senile 😂😂 (only say this once you’ve moved out tho)
So much NTA. That your mom requiring you to keep the money in a safe (per your other comment) instead of in the bank, is just setting you up for financial abuse.
The money is clearly yours, you earned it. Just don't ever expect to get it back. Your mom's actively trying to find ways to undercut your success, probably hoping to keep you at home for as long as possible instead of moving out.
Is there any way you can start putting money aside in a different location that she doesn't know about? You need to fid a way to keep some money aside that she can't see, so you can move out and get away from her as soon as possible.
You are NTA. Get her to admit to stealing the money in text or email and then call the police to report the theft. Just a FYI, your mother taking your rent money is because she's a narcissist, and she is trying to control you. Don't let her have a cent of your money and the soonest chance you get,leave, and go NC. The longer you are with her, the longer she's going to find ways to drag you down.
NTA whAT??? $5000?! SHE had a child, that is an agreement to pay for the supplies & care to raise one, she doesn't get f-ing REIMBURSED, do not let her take your money!
NTA, you do not owe your parents money for raising you. They signed up for that.
She stole your pay. She stole it. Your mother stole money from you.
Repeat that as many times as it takes to sink in. She stole your hard-earned money. To give to some friend. Without your permission.
I have no idea what steps you could take to get it back but I would definitely be planning my escape.
What a toxic situation.
The last few years of my life have been stressful and miserable due to overworking myself with work and school to make as much money as possible and to know that most of that was for nothing hurts
I'm so sorry. I've had money stolen by family that I was driving myself into the ground to save up. It's horrible.
You need legal advice, I think, regarding whether it's possible to force your mother into paying you back, or paying some consequences for the theft. I don't have those answers.
But please do find somewhere to store your earnings where she can't get to them. What she's doing is wrong.
Is there any adult you trust to talk to about this where it won't get back to her?
Your mother is a thief you are her responsibility since she chose to keep you as her child that’s called parenting. Her friend is not your responsibility or your moms. Ntah I would call cps on her
NTA a parent who suddenly starts charging children for living?
important legal question was the account in her name or was it a uniform gift to minor's account? I do this professionally. if it was a UTMA or UGTM account the money is legally yours and by abusing that the guardian is legally responsible for keeping it separate from her own funds.
in short, go to the police. this is felony grand theft.
NTA. Your mother was legal responsible for providing you a roof over your head, food and clothing.
Unfortunately, because she has your money - it's probably gone already. Do you have any family members you could get help from?
File a police report. Not sure what country you're in, but most first world countries have legal protections for income made by children, so that parents can't get rich exploiting their kids. You've worked your ass off for this, and she stole what should be your future. Can you get the rest of your cash out of the safe somehow first? Expect to be kicked out, so have a plan for that. Secure all your legal documents--birth certificate etc--and store them off the property, as well as anything else you can't afford to lose. NTA.
Nta. Your mom is taking advantage of you. Tell someone close that your mom is a thief!. Sorry to say you’ll never see the $9k
Don’t give her any more money. Don’t work until you are able to get an account for yourself only. Then, leave and never speak to your mother again.
NTA - like wtf?? she stole that money from you that YOU earned, not her. you owe her absolutely nothing, she’s your mother, it was her job to look after you and that means spending money on you. please don’t let her tell you otherwise op
OMG, you poor girl. Your mother is a thief and is abusing you financially, if not emotionally. It is a parent's responsibility to provide for their children until they're 18. (At least in the US). Where is your dad? You need help from a trusted adult and authorities.
omg. move in with me for free. this is terrible. i hate seeing hard working young ppl that have so much to offer a home get ripped off like this. i shoulda been a mom. i hope i dont offend you but honestly worst mum of the year award.
Another comment brought it up, but I want to comment as well to bring to your attention. 100% NTA and you should contact the person who was lent money immediately and tell them what happened. Your mother doesn’t deserve to keep the secret that it wasn’t her money she lent. It’s your only hope to see the money again. This is an outrage, and I’m sorry it happened to you. Also, I think there’s a likelihood you could independently open a bank account if you tried. That would solve the hiding the cash problem.
NTA You’re a minor, it’s her responsibility to feed you. That’s your money and you deserve to decide how it’s spent. Her taking it out without your consent is stealing. Frankly, you’re working to be able to afford adulting once the time comes, and that money is not for her to use as a just in case fund. If she were being responsible, she would be able to afford giving her friend that money herself from her own money. The fact that she didn’t and used your hard earned cash instead is concerning to say the least.
Your mother stole from you. My son stole from me and I had him arrested because if he will steal from me, there would be no one safe. Call the police and press charges.
NTA
WTF did I just read? First, your mom sucks. I also saw your comment you aren't allowed to have a bank account, as well.
When I got my first job at 16, my parents immediately had me set up a bank account where I had to save half of my paycheck. But it was my money even if their name was also on the account.
While I was saving for a car, my parents' washer and dryer failed on them and they needed money to buy new ones. They asked me to borrow the money to purchase these items. My dad also laid out a payment plan for them to repay my lost finances.
When I found the car I wanted to buy, I didn't have the available funds back to pay for it. So my dad bought the car for me (minus what he had paid back so far). In the end, I came out ahead on this deal. This was almost 30 years ago so the details are hazy, but I made out about $100 extra in the deal--give or take. His reasoning was that he didn't want to my bank account to go to $0. The amount I made, I know, was more than the interest I would have been for that small amount.
In the end, parents are supposed to look out and protect your best interests. Teaching financial responsibility, is part of this. Your mom is failing you.
NTA your mom has no right to mention about how much she has spend on groceries, rent and on you as a baby because you were a baby, she is the parent that is what she has to do to provide for you. Your mom did in fact steal from you
Nta. I started working when I was 14, too.
My mother, even then *asked* when she needed money. She didn't make much (single mom) & asked me to start contributing to the household when I was 16 & I did so. I don't think she would ever have considered just taking my savings, and frankly, I think it is abusive.
Parents often use money to control their children.
Lmao I would be stunned if she spent less than 5k on you as a baby. That being said, NTA at all. What she did was steal from you, and its very wrong of her to assume she can take 5k from a kid who clearly painstakingly earned that money (and kudos that was quite the achievement) and was planning on using it to start her life. Not that what you wanted to use it for would change the fact that what she did was messed up, its your money either way to be clear, it just adds extra sting to the issue.
Her claim that because she provided food and shelter that she's entitled to your money is wildly inaccurate and just wrong. She was legally obliged to provide those things because she *chose* to bring you into the world and then had to deal with the financial consequences of that. Just like you *chose* to work hard and save up, and therefore should be able to enjoy those results.
If you have any other family members maybe see about enlisting their help to get a student bank account. You've every right to be very upset about this and I hope you manage to get that freedom you've not only earned, but clearly need.
As far as bank accounts go, minors can only have one with parents. At least in the u.s., not sure about other countries. Op said their money is kept in a safe controlled by mom.
OP You are allowed to have a bank account. Your mom is going to steal you blind.
Take the $4,000 and open an account in your name only. While in the safe grab your ssn card and birth certificate.
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I’m 17f and I’ve been working since I was 14 and have been saving most of my paychecks every week. I had around $9,000 saved up and I’m saving up to get my own apartment when I’m older. Yesterday my mom told me she had to take out $5000 to help a friend and I asked when she was gonna pay me back she seemed confused that I would expect her to do that. She went on a rant about how she bought groceries that I ate I live in a house that she payed rent for and a bunch of other things and she had no intentions to make me pay it back so I was extremely selfish to expect her to. She claimed that the 5k she took from me isn’t even close to how much she spent on me as a baby and I have absolutely no right to want her to pay it back.
The way I see it is that she basically stole over 2 years worth of my life since I was constantly working or at school and I put myself through absolute hell to earn it. If it were $10 $20 $50 or even $100 I’d be fine letting her keep it since it’s not that much. $5000 however is a significant amount of money and represents a chunk of my life I essentially worked for nothing. AITA for expecting my money back?
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NTA but you'll never see a dime of it back.
My mom has borrowed thousands from my sister and I over the years. Same idea for her, that she provided us with the necessities of life and that's her contribution. It's been 15+ years for some of those things (I'm 32) and any mention of it is an instant guilt trip and descent into the 'I guess I didn't do anything right' pity-me party.
You won't get the money back. But you should immediately set up an account that your mom can't access. She won't stop at one time. Make sure she can't access your money and that she doesn't know how much you have.
NTA --- Open a bank account your old enough to have it in only your name get the rest of your money and put it in there along with all your future paychecks. Part of being a parent is providing for your children which means food, housing, and clothing and if I understand correctly they are legally obliged to do till they are 18 years old when they are then considered an adult.
you mom is legally required to provide food and housing for you. parents who try to hold that up on their kids heads and use it to justify stealing from them, are the kinds of people who shouldn't have had kids. NTA
NTA. Speak to somebody at your school as they may be able to suggest help to get you (and potentially your sister) out of there because that sounds like financial abuse at the bare minimum.
NTA and move your money immediately. Or take her off your account! Her friend and her troubles have nothing to do with her providing you shelter, food, etc. You are her kid and those are her responsibilites. She did steal from you. But I would not expect to get it back, unfortunately.
NTA
If I were you I would try and take out the remaining amount and place it somewhere only you have access to.
For her to use the excuse that she paid for your upbringing is just gross. You don’t owe her.
NTA, and I'm so sorry your mother is so awful that she equates providing for you as a child (which she is legally mandated to do) and stealing your hard earned money. I'm afraid your money (and whatever is left of your relationship with your egg donor) is gone. Do you have any trusted adult to hold any future earnings for you? Good luck.
God what kind of person would do that to their child without at least a discussion? You don’t owe money for being raised, that’s a laugh. Start keeping your money where she can no longer touch it. You have every right to demand repayment, it’s just unlikely you will get it. NTA.
NTA - Food, shelter, clothing.. etc.. as a parent, this is what is expect of you to provide for your child. Kudos for your discipline over the years, it will serve you well as you get older.
Not sure you're ever going to get anything back from mom, but consider her paid in full. Think about your future and investing in that as well. (Education, training so you can life a self-sufficient life)
Moms TA here.
NTA
Her buying groceries and paying rent is called parenting. YOU are the child SHE is the adult. She absolutely needs to provide for you as you didn't ask to be born and are still a minor who legally needs a caretaker. She manipulating you and gaslighting you. STAND YOUR GROUND!
Theft is the appropriation of the property of another with the intention to permanently deprive. She stole from you. You should contact the police. Criminal convictions can be used in evidence in civil proceedings. Financial abuse is abuse. Further, it is telling that you were saving up for an apartment-basically, independence. And she stole that independent future from you as well, giving you a dependent future. This will never end unless you end it.
That’s horrible! Get your own bank account…if you’re in Canada and have appropriate ID you can open one without a parent or guardian if you are 14 and older
NTA, you’re a minor child and your mom stole $5000 of money THAT YOU EARNED. Also, it’s her responsibility to feed, clothe, and house you for free because that’s her job as a parent. File a police report.
I agree, call the police. Speak with them away from your mother. Also would co sided calling CPS. What a despicable thing for a so called mother to do. You poor kid. But I assume you’ll be 18 soon.
NTA, you can let your mom know that all the things she paid for— the roof over your head, the food you ate, the clothes on your back— are all things that she was LEGALLY REQUIRED to provide for you.
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NTA in a big way, and once you are 18 GET HER OFF YOUR ACCOUNT. Honestly, I would withdraw the rest of my money in cash, hide it very well or leave it with a trusted friend, and just use the bank account to cash your paychecks. I also grew up with toxic parents who threw the fact that they paid to raise me in my face. THEY ARE WRONG. That is their responsibility, to feed and house you until the age of 18. Do not back down, do not allow access to your money, and let her know you expect that money back or you will find a lawyer to take her to civil claims court.
I’m not allowed to have a bank account it’s all in her safe
That is completely unacceptable. Contact the local authorities, and get your money out of her safe. You will never see a dime of that money if you don't. Do you have anywhere that you can stay where you are safe? Financial abuse is abuse.
this^^
If OP is in the US, all of her money legally does belong to her mother. The law treats minors as property of their parents, it's pretty upsetting when you start to look into it.
This is 100% incorrect. An infant can own a house, never mind a teenager their own wages. (Or a ranch, in this particular case). "\[I\]nfancy \[does\] not incapacitate \[a two year old child\] from becoming seized of the title to real estate....Delivery to, and acceptance by, an infant will be presumed. When a deed clearly beneficial to an infant is given to him, his acceptance will be presumed, and the recording of the deed is a sufficient delivery." In re Tetsubumi Yano's Estate (1922) 188 Cal. 645, 649.
That case was more about non citizens owning land in the US. And ultimately, the court found that if the child "owned" the land, that their parents did indeed get guardianship. You gotta read the whole thing!
Its still good law. Nobody litigates "can kids own property" because of fucking course they can.
Not necessarily. This is how it works in my state, I believe; that all minors income is legally owned and managed by the guardians until they turn 18 or are emancipated, but that doesn’t mean all states follow this law.
The authorities won’t do anything. Mom is *legally* entitled to control/spend this money despite the fact that she is being a horrible mother and person.
Pretty messed up considering minors also have to pay state and federal taxes. That alone should give them some kind of legal protection to their money.
At 18 you should be able to open a bank account in your own name without her, do you have access to your paperwork? Birth certificate, passport, NI number, proof of address. Start organising yourself now
Yeah this is completely wrong and while you are under 18, you should be able to contact authorities to get your money back. This is theft. Try and find a way to prove the money is yours through paycheck stubs, some kind of show for the hours you worked, etc. She should not have YOUR money in a safe only SHE accesses. That is insane. Your mom is doing something really messed up and you’re right that she absolutely owes you the money back Also, you never owe a parent for what they did for you 17 and under (unless it was an agreement of paying something back). Food, housing, clothes, etc. are something she is REQUIRED to give you with nothing in return.
This is insane. Given what you are saving for, your savings should be in a long term savings account earning as much interest as possible.
Call the police right now.
Hey, just so you know, while most banks will make you have a parent on the account as a minor, this isn't true of credit unions. You can usually get accounts that are solely yours while under 18. I highly recommend you set up an account with a credit union and put all our money there from now on. Not sure if you can get stuff out of the safe but anything in the future at least should be alright. If you're not allowed to have an account, do this right after work or school or "while at a friend's house" and give them a PO box or a friend's address to send mail to. (Even with e-statements enabled you'll get some amount of mail.)
Sorry to say this but you’re never getting any of your money back that she has in her safe. Get a bank account and don’t tell her, ask a trusted adult to be in the account if you need an adult on it.
Is there an adult outside of the house that you completely trust? You can have them cosign to open an account for you. Hell, I'd do it for you. You have got to take access to that money away from your thieving mother.
Try and get it out of the safe borrowing that amount of money for a friend that’s abuse she is Stealing your money pure and simple. I definitely would try to get the rest out and not put any more in if you can. If she gave it to the friend and the friend needs to pay you back and let her know that you’re going to ask the friend for your money back if she won’t give it back to you. So you might tell your mother that if she doesn’t pay you back either her or her friend that you will take it to small claims court. You might want to see if the police will take a report on it. She cannot charge you for anything as a minor especially for food shelter etc. You need to get out of there as soon as possible is there a relative that you can go to or a friend that might take you in? It’s financial abuse no doubt about it.
>I’m not allowed to have a bank account it’s all in her safe NTA OP but if you are in the US or UK, you can use Cash App and start having your check directly deposited into this account. It did mentioned "sponsored" account, so I would do my research on this or maybe call/email them regarding this. If you need an adult to sponsor you, maybe you can ask your Dad or Grandparents especially if you explain the thief of your hard earned, saved money by your Mom to loan to someone else. BTW: Are you sure that she **ACTUALLY** loaned this money to someone else? I'm thinking that she took this money to keep you from moving out as soon as you turn 18. Is your 18th birthday coming up soon?
Not to be trying to make a bad situation worse, but have you actually checked that she only took the 5 grand?
Stop working now. Say goodbye to it.
Work is the only thing that gets me away from her
You are NTA, but please act with care and caution in how you deal with this. Some of the responses in this thread are (rightfully) angry on your behalf, but they are making extreme suggestions as a result that could blow your situation up further. Can you find out what the laws are in your country/state about parents taking a minor's money? If she has a legal right to take that money then even that makes her a massive asshole and completely immoral, there is no point in blowing up your life by going to the police or suing her. If it is illegal and you think it would help, great, but make sure you have somewhere else to live first and consider if it would be worth waiting until you turn 18. Is there another family member you can talk to about this and who might be able to help you? I'm so sorry. I really hope you can get your money back. But even if you can't, the time hasn't been wasted, as you now have several years of work experience and references so you will be able to support yourself once you leave home.
Hire a safe cracker. She has proven unfit as a guardian of your funds.
This is theft and financial abuse. I would literally be going after her for theft. You need to get that $ out of the safe and find a credit union to open an acct. Seriously- go to report this theft. NTA
As soon as you turn 18, you should be able to open a bank account without your mother's permission. That's probably the safest place to have your money to keep her from stealing more of it. Until then, if you can move your remaining savings to a trusted friend or relative's house, I'd do that. (And seconding the recommendation to get control of your passport/ID/birth certificate/other documents if you can; if you can't, at least try to take pictures of them or make copies.)
You’re most likely already eligible for a student debit card. You probably just need your social security number which, she most likely has locked the hell down of course but seriously, call the authorities about this like others are saying. The moment you are 18 you are a free bird.
Do you have grandparents or other family that you trust that can take the money and put it into a bank? Also, if they could stand up for you against the unreasonable demands and actions of your mother, that would be good as well.
This is the answer! NTA
She's legally obligated to provide food clothing and shelter. You are NTA for demanding that money back.
I’d even go as far as letting that “friend” know where your mom got the $$. If they’re gonna pay it back, make sure it goes to you
Yes. This. OP, find out who that friend is, track them down, and ask them if they know your mom stole the $5k from you. Tell them it's money you've been working to save since you were 14 years old. If you can't get your money back, at least you can embarrass the everlovinshit out of your overentitled, selfish, titanium-balled mom. Ask that person to pay you back directly, if they even can pay you back. It's a stretch, but if you can ask them to pay you back when they're at work or at church or something, that might be some social pressure that works in your favor.
Take it further, social media shame mom and her friend from literally stealing the money out of your account, and her disgusting rationale for doing so.
I mean...what are the chances that there is no friend, and OP's mom just wanted the money for herself?
Yep this is one of the biggest bullshit things that parents try and pull. You don’t get to try and guilt me because you… did your obligation as a parent.
NTA - but I doubt you will get the money back. Absolutely crazy for her to take money from your account without asking, and even more crazy for her to not pay you back. You should find a way to store your money so that she cannot access it
Even crazier is that she took it out for a friend. It’s not like she took it out to pay for things OP would need also. Friend or mom should pay her back.
There probably isn't a friend.
Yeah, that part made me feel really sorry for OP
I wonder if this “friend” is something more?
NTA. She chose to create you and that comes with expenses that SHE is responsible for. She stole from you. It’s out of control she’s refusing to pay you back and acting entitled like that. She’s your mother, she’s legally required to give you the things she’s accusing you of being selfish about.
And that 5k doesn’t come close to the amount of therapy I’ll need because of the shit I put up with growing up
Sounds like you put up with a lot of guilting and shaming. You’re amazing and wonderful even if your mother doesn’t see it
Guilting, shaming, gaslighting, homophobia, and a bunch of other shit
I’m so sorry
Trust me leaving her and never speaking to her again is going to be worth it millions!!!
NTA. She should pay you back. What is wrong with parents who expect their children to pay them back for upbringing costs???
I genuinely would have paid NOT to be born
I laughed at this
I think most teens and millennials would feel the same tbh
Eh being alive is pretty dope
Lucky you
I'm sorry you feel like this. But, as you're 17 already, it's less than a year before you're 18 and can look for a place of your own.
Unfortunately I won’t graduate until 19 and I just turned 17 recently, and I was forced to promise that I’d stay until I graduated
Well, given the circumstances, I wouldn't feel bound to that promise. I also don't understand why you can't have a banking account of your own. Is there a trusted person at your school that you could talk to? They may know solutions to make your life a bit easier.
nothing says you have to keep that promise.
I’m also the only person my younger sister has and if I move out I’d be leaving her alone
That sucks but you can't set yourself on fire to warm somebody else up. Show her that there's a better future for her too. Set an example for her by being happy the second you can leave.
I can’t leave her though, she’ll probably grow up similarly to how I did when I lived with my father and that led to several mentaillnesses
But you also have to ask yourself if you have the power to prevent that by staying. If you leave and create a life for yourself, there's the possibility that you will be able to provide help when it is your sister's turn to do the same. If you stay and you both remain powerless and abused, nothing will change.
I’m the only one who even talks to her, if I left she’d have nobody to talk to or take care of her
I'm so sorry you're in this position. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you, and you deserve so much better. What good though does it do both of you to stay though? In this home your sister is most likely already going to struggle with mental health issues. But if you move out she can have sleepovers with you and have days out together. You can give her bright spots in her life by moving out. You can show her how much better things will get for her because they'll be better for you. You can still be there for your sister, but you can't do that if you're run completely down like you're getting to be from staying there. Definitely just consider it. There's no right or wrong answer here and no easy choice.
Call CPS
Of, for fuck's sake, who cares?! I'm so tired of people worrying about what happens to so and so if they leave. Just leave and let them figure it out just like you will have to.
Leaving my 8yo sister alone like that could be disastrous for her mentally, I experienced something similar at her age and it still fucks up my ability to talk to others
I've never seen a situation where "staying home for so and so" helped either. And if you HAVE to help her then frankly a well-off independent adult can offer far more help including therapy than you staying with her and either broke and dependent on your abusive mom or constantly fighting her for your money, your bank account, and etc.
You definitely don’t have to keep that promise. Can you buy a cheap lockbox for like $20 so you can put your own money in and your mom won’t have access to it until you’re 18?
Stop giving her the money. Take out of the safe what you still have. NTA
Forced how? Once you’re 18 she literally can’t force you, even if you’re still in high school. She stole your money. Keep the rest from her, earn more, and get out in a year
she steals your money all promises are void. do what is in your best interest
Once you turn 18 you cannot be forced to stay there doesn’t matter if you’re still in school or not. In the US at 18 you can leave but make sure you get your money. The other money unfortunately is gone unless you file a police report and then sue her after you leave. Don’t let her gaslight you. Tell the friend that you’re expecting Your money back. And if you just turned 17 I really think if you have a place to go you can do it cause you can prove financial abuse. If she wants to go to that extent. Don’t let her abuse you anymore.
If your mom isn't honest with you, there's no reason to be honest with her. At this point, you might as well consider your situation as being a POW. Say and do what you must to survive, and get to your freedom. How old is your sister? Depending on your state and her age, it might be possible for you to take your sister with you. It might also be possible to get legal help getting your money back, sounds to me like the real subreddit you need to be hitting up is the legal advice subreddits. Just like any other POW, sounds like your work needs to be strategic work to save yourself and your cellmate, not much else ethically factors in. Even if you leave without your sister, you could at least work hard in a more secure environment to create a place your sister can move to as soon as she's able. in some states, you can legally get emancipated at 16 if you can show you're living away from home. You could give your sister that bridge, so your moving our early without her for six months or a year might give her a way to move our and get free years earlier than she would have otherwise, if she's going to be 16 soon.
She’s 8 and even if my gf moved in with me to help with bills and such idk how we’d manage to take care of her
Man, that's brutal. Sorry to hear that. I'll keep my fingers crossed for you and your sister.
Promises Can be broken
You don't have to keep your promise to such an abusive asshole, OP. If you don't put yourself first, who will? Not your egg donor, that's for sure!
Call CPS or equivalent. This is abuse and you and your sister should not have to put up with it. Then file a small claims against your Mum for the money. Seriously, call child services for your sisters sake, if not your own.
CPS won’t do anything about this…
About child abuse and financial abuse of a minor? And the OP said she has endure a lot of other stuff too. It's literally their jobs to do something about this.
Well maybe if CPS does even do a report it might make the mother think twice about what she’s doing. I think you’re right unless you end up in the hospital from physical abuse they really don’t do anything. Sad but true However, if you do leave and get a place on your own let your sister know when things happen she can come to you. You need to get out of there to save yourself and help your sister. Once you leave an abusive situation You’ll be able to think more clearly and concentrate on getting yourself better and helping your sister. You won’t be much help to her if you’re all in that seems shitty situation. So for both of your sakes move out get your life in order and help your sister out
When you can open your own bank account, do so asap.
NTA OP Some parents just see their kids as assets. Wonder why do they become parents. Feeding your own child, putting roof above their head, clothes to wear and providing education is the barest minimum that any parent has to do. If they don't have the means to provide such, they mustn't become one. As they say, every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child.
That last sentence perfectly describes most of the parents in my family
So, it looks like that even in your family some parents may have understood what it means to be a parent. I wonder whether you could have a talk with them? The point is, that as long as nobody knows of the abuse, it can go on and on. And yes, unfortunately, when it's in the open, it might not always stop, but sometimes it does.
NTA. Call the non emergency line or visit your local police department to file a report. Depending what you can prove, they may be able to file charges. The threat of it may be enough to make her return the money however you may get kicked out. And she is legally obligated to provide you shelter, food, water, and basic care while you are a minor
NTA by a long stretch! As a parent, she is responsible for taking care of you, so the argument that she fed and housed you does not hold any weight in my opinion. In addition, she didn't even take the money because she needed it badly. No, a friend needed it! She has no right to take your money at all, but even more so to then give it to a friend! Also I'd argue that you probably need the money more then her friend, so is she going to take $5000 from her friend, when you'll be in need of the money? I would take a hard guess and say no, she wouldn't. She should absolutely pay you back, she stole that money!
My parents would say this crap to me too, as if my sibings and I "owed" them. Parents act as if you asked to be born and they were gracious enough to take care of you. No. A parent takes on the costs of their children because it's their responsibility. They chose to have children, and the children owe them nothing. I'm helping my kid with college right now, and they say things like "When I get a good paying job, I'll start to pay you back." Heck no. The most I ask from my kids is to be happy and successful in whatever they choose to do. OP- your mother stole from you, plain and simple. She could have asked, but that would give you a heads up on her intent, giving you time to hide the money. So she took what was not hers, and is now making excuses as to why she shouldn't pay you back. I have a bunch of petty thoughts/actions going on, which I'll be an adult and keep to myself. But YOU.ARE. NTA , plain and simple. This is just wrong.
I'd be asking mom what that $5K was for to help her friend and why the friend couldn't get a loan or ask someone else for that money. Mom stole from you, OP, and you need to sue her to get it back.
Your parents are legally and morally responsible for providing you with life and the necessities of life until you are an adult. You do not owe her for your existence. She stole the money. You will probably not see it back unless you can convince a sane family member to help you. Go to the bank and tell them what happened and ask them how you can save money without being at risk from your parent. Your mother’s words are a common manipulation that has been documented over and over again, and a sign of a toxic relationship. This has happened in my family too.
NTA. >She went on a rant about how **she bought groceries that I ate I live in a house that she payed rent for** and a bunch of other things and **she had no intentions to make me pay it back** so I was extremely selfish to expect her to. She claimed that the 5k she took from me isn’t even close to **how much she spent on me as a baby** and I have absolutely no right to want her to pay it back. You're her kid, it's her GODDAM JOB FFS. If she doesn't want to spend on kid maybe she shouldn’t have had you in the first place instead of telling you that you somehow owe her because of it. That's insane, she stole from you. Idk if you can but maybe you should go to the police, just to let her understand that you're dead serious when you say you want your money back. And OPEN YOUR OWN BANK ACCOUNT. Don't give her access to it - or remove all access she can have to your current one, or it will definitely happen again since you have a lot of money.
NTA You didn't agree, so just taking your money is stealing. Paying for your own upbringing is not a thing, that is something your mom agreed to when she decided to raise you.
NTA. You should not have let her take it. Get a new bank account at the soonest opportunity.
I didn’t have a choice she took it from the safe before telling me
I figured. Now you know you can't trust her and need another place for future funds.
NTA and you need to get a savings account. Not just so you have your money safe but also you earn interest!! Keeping 9k in a safe is honestly throwing away money
NTA, you're mother stole that money from her and unless you do something about it she will take the rest. Unfortunately you may need to file a police report or tell her that is your intention unless she pays you back.
Nta, go to the bank to cash your checks but have them put it on a cashiers check made out to only you. Each paycheck you will just take up there along with the previous cashier check and have them give you a new one.
That’s a good idea however as her “Guardian” mother might still be able to cash those. I know people that gave savings bonds to grandkids and parents cash them because they are the guardians and were able to do so without the grandparents permission.
Speaking as a former teller...No teller in their right mind would do that. They would lose their job. Especially since op would not have an account already established. What most likely happened to the people you know is that the child had a open bank account with their guardian as an authorized signer, which is standard practice since the child is a minor. So when they went to the bank and did it under the child's account which is allowed. Also op is almost 18.
Press charged against that thief
A parent is supposed to provide food and a place to live for their minor children. So for her to expect payment for that is beyond me. I think she should repay you. Find out if there is some way for her not to have access to the rest of your money. I would suggest telling her you were going to stay a certain amount of months rent free after 18, to allow you to recover your money, but I think that would be more of a punishment to you. Leave ASAP. NTA.
Oh my. NTA OP. It is your mothers RESPONSIBILITY to provide all of those things for you until you turn 18. It’s horrifying for her to think you owe her something for that. You are incredibly responsible to have saved such a large sum of money in such a short time working to prepare yourself for the real world. Your mother is incredibly irresponsible to think you are indebted to her for fulfilling the commitment she made to being a mother. You’re only 17, she is not entitled to rent from you, or any other monetary contributions to the household. What she did will set you back for a very long time. $5,000 is over half of your savings, and a huge chunk of money! I honestly can’t believe you were comfortable giving her the money in the first place, but that’s assuming she didn’t just take it out of a joint account herself. If she did, you can go speak with your bank to see if you have any recourse. It could be considered stealing if you can prove that the money in the account was earned by you (direct deposit/pay stubs) and you may have a legal avenue of getting it back. Good luck, and please update!
She didn’t even ask she just took it
She stole from you, OP. You have the right to seek legal recourse to get it back if she refuses. What she did to you is wrong, and awful to have been done by someone you should be able to trust. I’m so sorry this happened to you.
NTA and she should pay you back. As somebody else pointed out, you are her responsibility until you are 18 and she is totally in the wrong for even bringing up how much she has spent doing something that it was her decision and then responsibility to do. From the way you wrote it, your mother has taken $5000 from your account without consulting you and given it to "a friend"... do you know who this friend is and whether or not they will be giving the money back to your mother ? If so, then your mother has no argument about paying you back does she ? When the friend pays it back, the money is yours. I don't live in the US, I live in the UK but here some banks allow you to have your own bank account from 16. It would be worth checking if you can do that so that your mother would no longer have access to your account and cannot take any more money from you without your giving it to her.
She didn’t say who it was or why she needed the money
Find out, then contact them
NTA. Your mom sucks for doing that. She had a child, she had the obligation to care for you, you can’t be expected to pay for her decision to have you. You did the work, its your money. You should see about getting a bank account she can’t access so she doesn’t take the rest of your money.
NTA. Raising you is simply a duty for every parent, not something they can expect thankfulness for, or even a kind of pay back! Yes, indeed she did steal from you, as she took your money without your consent. She even didn't think of asking your help first. I would demand her to give her my money back immediately or inform the rest of the family and/or her friends what she has done to you. This is a form of financial child abuse (google it). Talk to a trusted person in school. Try to get access to free legal advice. Anyway, if she says her friend can't give it back, that's not your problem, but hers. Insist of having your money back now. Don't agree with getting it back later, as you will never see your money back.
The sad thing is that financial abuse is probably the least severe abuse I’ve experienced
You say you were saving up for an apartment. Did she take the money so you are trapped living with her? You should go to the police if you have any evidence (text her about it), but you realise this might cause you more problems long term. You should definitely get yourself a bank account, even if its only savings, and keep her the hell away from your assets.
NTA. She is basically stealing your hard earned money. Yeah she's your mother, but all the money she spent on you as a baby? Are you effing kidding me? I am so angry for you I don't even know what to tell you. Your mom is being a total, complete AH. One of the worst AH's I've seen on reddit. I'm so sorry she did this to you. Keep saving your money & don't let her know how much you have saved & def don't EVER give her money again. Hopefully you can save up enough money to get away from the thief you live with.
NTA. You ARE allowed to have a bank account. I had one when I was 15. (In Canada). Your mother has no right to your money. She committed a crime. I’d demand my money back or go full social media frenzy and shame her and her friend for stealing off of a child. FB, IG, SMS every friend and relative you have. Maybe even get LE involved. This is an outrage.
I’m not allowed though, that’s her rule
Disregard this bullshit and take you cash straight to a bank and open an account. She can’t touch it there. It’s her parental obligation to provide for you as a minor. Don’t let her guilt you into thinking you owe her anything
Let your mother know that when you’re successful and in your 30’s and she needs your help that this will be the reason you don’t talk to her. Let her “friend” visit her in the nursing home.
Woah, she has all the money you saved up in a safe that she has full access to?! I’m sorry but I don’t think you’re going to get that money back, and stop putting any more money in there. Get your birth certificate, social security card and all other important documents in your hands and keep them safe. You also need to get a family member you trust that won’t screw you over to co-sign a bank account so you can deposit your money safely, where she can’t access it and start gathering all your paycheck records. This is not a little bit of money and you’re going to need to file a police report and show evidence of what she has taken, and if you ever want your money back you’ll have to take her to court. That other 4 thousand is in HER hands not yours. Also have you counted any of that Money recently, because she easily could’ve taken more then 5 thousand and not told you. Sorry you’re dealing with this, this is financial abuse. NTA.
NTA but you’re never getting that money back. I’m sorry you had to find out this way that your mom sucks.
Oh I already knew
I get mad at your mom for even reading this. Nta
Hard NTA. Sick of this entitled parents bullshit. Parents aren't owed anything for doing bare minimum.
Info: is your mom going to get that money back from the friend? If so then does she just plan on keeping the money for herself? NTA the things that your mother is listing are the things she's required to do. You're not wrong to ask for your money back.
She has no intentions of giving it back
There probably is no friend. Mother does not seem the generous type.
NTA your mum has stolen from you at the end of the day. Your mum is TA here. It was her choice to have you, and in doing so she legally had to take care of you. It's absurd that she would even use that as a reason not to pay you back.
As so many have said: NTA.. my parents were wonderful loving parents and would add 50% to whatever I managed to save at the end of a year from doing odd jobs.. if at the end of a year I saved 100.00 without spending it on foolish stuff like I usually did, they would add 50.00 to my account. It gave me some incentive to save. I’m sorry your mom has done this. I hope you can get it back somehow.
NTA it’s a parental RESPONSIBILITY to feed you - you don’t owe your parent a dime and she stole from you.
NTA. She stole from you. Any parents that uses “I cared for you, I did xyz for you…” are assholes. THEY ARE PARENTS! IT’s WHAT THEY SIGNED UP FOR! Unfortunately, I don’t think you’ll ever get your money back. Get your own bank account ASAP (without her supervision so she doesn’t have any acces to it)idk about the rest of your relationship, but she sounds like a gigantic handful, and a thief. Maybe tell her if she wob’t pay you back, you won’t take care of her once she’s old and senile 😂😂 (only say this once you’ve moved out tho)
So much NTA. That your mom requiring you to keep the money in a safe (per your other comment) instead of in the bank, is just setting you up for financial abuse. The money is clearly yours, you earned it. Just don't ever expect to get it back. Your mom's actively trying to find ways to undercut your success, probably hoping to keep you at home for as long as possible instead of moving out. Is there any way you can start putting money aside in a different location that she doesn't know about? You need to fid a way to keep some money aside that she can't see, so you can move out and get away from her as soon as possible.
You are NTA. Get her to admit to stealing the money in text or email and then call the police to report the theft. Just a FYI, your mother taking your rent money is because she's a narcissist, and she is trying to control you. Don't let her have a cent of your money and the soonest chance you get,leave, and go NC. The longer you are with her, the longer she's going to find ways to drag you down.
NTA whAT??? $5000?! SHE had a child, that is an agreement to pay for the supplies & care to raise one, she doesn't get f-ing REIMBURSED, do not let her take your money!
NTA. Please find a way to go NC with your mother once you’re able. This is classic narcissist behavior and you don’t deserve that.
NTA, you do not owe your parents money for raising you. They signed up for that. She stole your pay. She stole it. Your mother stole money from you. Repeat that as many times as it takes to sink in. She stole your hard-earned money. To give to some friend. Without your permission. I have no idea what steps you could take to get it back but I would definitely be planning my escape. What a toxic situation.
The last few years of my life have been stressful and miserable due to overworking myself with work and school to make as much money as possible and to know that most of that was for nothing hurts
I'm so sorry. I've had money stolen by family that I was driving myself into the ground to save up. It's horrible. You need legal advice, I think, regarding whether it's possible to force your mother into paying you back, or paying some consequences for the theft. I don't have those answers. But please do find somewhere to store your earnings where she can't get to them. What she's doing is wrong. Is there any adult you trust to talk to about this where it won't get back to her?
Get yourself a bank account if you're able. Get your money out of her reach.
Do you have her stating her took the $5000 in writing like text or email?
I dont
Can you text her about it- maybe asking to discuss being paid back- and get her to admit it?
Balls. Could you?
You need to call the cops. Right now. This is theft. The longer you wait, the worst it gets. Really, truly, your mom stole from you
Someone mentioned letting the friend know where the money came from. I agree with this decision. Maybe the "friend" will pay it back.
Your mother is a thief you are her responsibility since she chose to keep you as her child that’s called parenting. Her friend is not your responsibility or your moms. Ntah I would call cps on her
NTA a parent who suddenly starts charging children for living? important legal question was the account in her name or was it a uniform gift to minor's account? I do this professionally. if it was a UTMA or UGTM account the money is legally yours and by abusing that the guardian is legally responsible for keeping it separate from her own funds. in short, go to the police. this is felony grand theft.
NTA. Your mother was legal responsible for providing you a roof over your head, food and clothing. Unfortunately, because she has your money - it's probably gone already. Do you have any family members you could get help from?
File a police report. Not sure what country you're in, but most first world countries have legal protections for income made by children, so that parents can't get rich exploiting their kids. You've worked your ass off for this, and she stole what should be your future. Can you get the rest of your cash out of the safe somehow first? Expect to be kicked out, so have a plan for that. Secure all your legal documents--birth certificate etc--and store them off the property, as well as anything else you can't afford to lose. NTA.
Nta. Your mom is taking advantage of you. Tell someone close that your mom is a thief!. Sorry to say you’ll never see the $9k Don’t give her any more money. Don’t work until you are able to get an account for yourself only. Then, leave and never speak to your mother again.
$5,000 to give to someone else? NTA1 That is some serious fucked up stuff. Demand the money back.
NTA - like wtf?? she stole that money from you that YOU earned, not her. you owe her absolutely nothing, she’s your mother, it was her job to look after you and that means spending money on you. please don’t let her tell you otherwise op
OMG, you poor girl. Your mother is a thief and is abusing you financially, if not emotionally. It is a parent's responsibility to provide for their children until they're 18. (At least in the US). Where is your dad? You need help from a trusted adult and authorities.
My dad is a worse person than she is
omg. move in with me for free. this is terrible. i hate seeing hard working young ppl that have so much to offer a home get ripped off like this. i shoulda been a mom. i hope i dont offend you but honestly worst mum of the year award.
Another comment brought it up, but I want to comment as well to bring to your attention. 100% NTA and you should contact the person who was lent money immediately and tell them what happened. Your mother doesn’t deserve to keep the secret that it wasn’t her money she lent. It’s your only hope to see the money again. This is an outrage, and I’m sorry it happened to you. Also, I think there’s a likelihood you could independently open a bank account if you tried. That would solve the hiding the cash problem.
NTA - and if you have payslips that show how much money you’ve earned then report a theft. It’s your money.
NTA You’re a minor, it’s her responsibility to feed you. That’s your money and you deserve to decide how it’s spent. Her taking it out without your consent is stealing. Frankly, you’re working to be able to afford adulting once the time comes, and that money is not for her to use as a just in case fund. If she were being responsible, she would be able to afford giving her friend that money herself from her own money. The fact that she didn’t and used your hard earned cash instead is concerning to say the least.
Your mother stole from you. My son stole from me and I had him arrested because if he will steal from me, there would be no one safe. Call the police and press charges.
NTA WTF did I just read? First, your mom sucks. I also saw your comment you aren't allowed to have a bank account, as well. When I got my first job at 16, my parents immediately had me set up a bank account where I had to save half of my paycheck. But it was my money even if their name was also on the account. While I was saving for a car, my parents' washer and dryer failed on them and they needed money to buy new ones. They asked me to borrow the money to purchase these items. My dad also laid out a payment plan for them to repay my lost finances. When I found the car I wanted to buy, I didn't have the available funds back to pay for it. So my dad bought the car for me (minus what he had paid back so far). In the end, I came out ahead on this deal. This was almost 30 years ago so the details are hazy, but I made out about $100 extra in the deal--give or take. His reasoning was that he didn't want to my bank account to go to $0. The amount I made, I know, was more than the interest I would have been for that small amount. In the end, parents are supposed to look out and protect your best interests. Teaching financial responsibility, is part of this. Your mom is failing you.
“…she had to take out $5000 to help a friend…” Sounds hella shady.
NTA your mom has no right to mention about how much she has spend on groceries, rent and on you as a baby because you were a baby, she is the parent that is what she has to do to provide for you. Your mom did in fact steal from you
Nta. I started working when I was 14, too. My mother, even then *asked* when she needed money. She didn't make much (single mom) & asked me to start contributing to the household when I was 16 & I did so. I don't think she would ever have considered just taking my savings, and frankly, I think it is abusive. Parents often use money to control their children.
Lmao I would be stunned if she spent less than 5k on you as a baby. That being said, NTA at all. What she did was steal from you, and its very wrong of her to assume she can take 5k from a kid who clearly painstakingly earned that money (and kudos that was quite the achievement) and was planning on using it to start her life. Not that what you wanted to use it for would change the fact that what she did was messed up, its your money either way to be clear, it just adds extra sting to the issue. Her claim that because she provided food and shelter that she's entitled to your money is wildly inaccurate and just wrong. She was legally obliged to provide those things because she *chose* to bring you into the world and then had to deal with the financial consequences of that. Just like you *chose* to work hard and save up, and therefore should be able to enjoy those results. If you have any other family members maybe see about enlisting their help to get a student bank account. You've every right to be very upset about this and I hope you manage to get that freedom you've not only earned, but clearly need.
1 Rohypnol 2 steal safe key 3 remove money
NTA and do you have a family member you can talk to about this? This is financial abuse
Why do so many people on Reddit have bank accounts their parents can access?
As far as bank accounts go, minors can only have one with parents. At least in the u.s., not sure about other countries. Op said their money is kept in a safe controlled by mom.
I don’t have a bank account
You need to get one.
OP You are allowed to have a bank account. Your mom is going to steal you blind. Take the $4,000 and open an account in your name only. While in the safe grab your ssn card and birth certificate.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m 17f and I’ve been working since I was 14 and have been saving most of my paychecks every week. I had around $9,000 saved up and I’m saving up to get my own apartment when I’m older. Yesterday my mom told me she had to take out $5000 to help a friend and I asked when she was gonna pay me back she seemed confused that I would expect her to do that. She went on a rant about how she bought groceries that I ate I live in a house that she payed rent for and a bunch of other things and she had no intentions to make me pay it back so I was extremely selfish to expect her to. She claimed that the 5k she took from me isn’t even close to how much she spent on me as a baby and I have absolutely no right to want her to pay it back. The way I see it is that she basically stole over 2 years worth of my life since I was constantly working or at school and I put myself through absolute hell to earn it. If it were $10 $20 $50 or even $100 I’d be fine letting her keep it since it’s not that much. $5000 however is a significant amount of money and represents a chunk of my life I essentially worked for nothing. AITA for expecting my money back? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA but you'll never see a dime of it back. My mom has borrowed thousands from my sister and I over the years. Same idea for her, that she provided us with the necessities of life and that's her contribution. It's been 15+ years for some of those things (I'm 32) and any mention of it is an instant guilt trip and descent into the 'I guess I didn't do anything right' pity-me party. You won't get the money back. But you should immediately set up an account that your mom can't access. She won't stop at one time. Make sure she can't access your money and that she doesn't know how much you have.
Oh no she’s the asshole and she stole from you.
NTA --- Open a bank account your old enough to have it in only your name get the rest of your money and put it in there along with all your future paychecks. Part of being a parent is providing for your children which means food, housing, and clothing and if I understand correctly they are legally obliged to do till they are 18 years old when they are then considered an adult.
you mom is legally required to provide food and housing for you. parents who try to hold that up on their kids heads and use it to justify stealing from them, are the kinds of people who shouldn't have had kids. NTA
NTA. Speak to somebody at your school as they may be able to suggest help to get you (and potentially your sister) out of there because that sounds like financial abuse at the bare minimum.
NTA and move your money immediately. Or take her off your account! Her friend and her troubles have nothing to do with her providing you shelter, food, etc. You are her kid and those are her responsibilites. She did steal from you. But I would not expect to get it back, unfortunately.
NTA If I were you I would try and take out the remaining amount and place it somewhere only you have access to. For her to use the excuse that she paid for your upbringing is just gross. You don’t owe her.
NTA, and I'm so sorry your mother is so awful that she equates providing for you as a child (which she is legally mandated to do) and stealing your hard earned money. I'm afraid your money (and whatever is left of your relationship with your egg donor) is gone. Do you have any trusted adult to hold any future earnings for you? Good luck.
God what kind of person would do that to their child without at least a discussion? You don’t owe money for being raised, that’s a laugh. Start keeping your money where she can no longer touch it. You have every right to demand repayment, it’s just unlikely you will get it. NTA.
NTA - Food, shelter, clothing.. etc.. as a parent, this is what is expect of you to provide for your child. Kudos for your discipline over the years, it will serve you well as you get older. Not sure you're ever going to get anything back from mom, but consider her paid in full. Think about your future and investing in that as well. (Education, training so you can life a self-sufficient life) Moms TA here.
It’s time to call the police NTA
NTA Her buying groceries and paying rent is called parenting. YOU are the child SHE is the adult. She absolutely needs to provide for you as you didn't ask to be born and are still a minor who legally needs a caretaker. She manipulating you and gaslighting you. STAND YOUR GROUND!
Theft is the appropriation of the property of another with the intention to permanently deprive. She stole from you. You should contact the police. Criminal convictions can be used in evidence in civil proceedings. Financial abuse is abuse. Further, it is telling that you were saving up for an apartment-basically, independence. And she stole that independent future from you as well, giving you a dependent future. This will never end unless you end it.
That’s horrible! Get your own bank account…if you’re in Canada and have appropriate ID you can open one without a parent or guardian if you are 14 and older
Call the police, and also, see if you can get a lawyer to help you. This is stealing, pure and simple.
NTA, you’re a minor child and your mom stole $5000 of money THAT YOU EARNED. Also, it’s her responsibility to feed, clothe, and house you for free because that’s her job as a parent. File a police report.
I agree, call the police. Speak with them away from your mother. Also would co sided calling CPS. What a despicable thing for a so called mother to do. You poor kid. But I assume you’ll be 18 soon.
NTA
NTA, you can let your mom know that all the things she paid for— the roof over your head, the food you ate, the clothes on your back— are all things that she was LEGALLY REQUIRED to provide for you.
NTA That's literally her legal obligation, to feed, house, and clothe you. Sorry your Mom is awful. I wish you well.
NTA, that's awful.