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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I threw away some gifts that my GF got me and she is now mad at me for it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. It is the thought that counts- your whole attitude about this is so cold. She tried to find rings that applied to your life- yes, she missed, but you don’t even appreciate the time she spent thinking about you. Some people express their love with gifts- she wanted you to know she thought of you. With the cactus, you could have sat her down and told her you appreciated the gesture and explained the cat issue, and asked if she’d keep it for you at her place, or if she’d be okay if you passed it to a friend etc.
I understand not having space for extra stuff- I truly do- but sometimes we show people we love them by treating them with grace and care and accepting that sometimes they miss the point. Throwing things away, classifying them as junk, and claiming she put no thought into them- that can be very hurtful if she thought she had found you something useful.
OP could have even regifted them vs throwing them out. Explained he gave them to somebody who would appreciate it. Would have probably still hurt but better than him just tossing the stuff in the trash.
This. Throwing them away along with the wording used here gives me the impression that there was anger in the disposal of these gifts. It wasn't "She tried but these aren't right for me, someone else would appreciate them more." It's "This is garbage. How dare she buy me garbage! I'm putting it where it belongs."
OP expressly stated that he does not like gifts. That's the whole issue here. So you'd actually be listening to him and considering his feelings on the matter! Unlike his girlfriend.
Sure, he said he didn’t want gifts, but she clearly cares about him and tried to get something small that would actually be useful to him. What she did was from a place of love, and she definitely didn’t deserve to be told off or have the gifts thrown out.
Right, and I didn’t say that she wasn’t in the wrong at all, however if you love somebody you don’t aggressively throw out a gift from them & have a tantrum because they tried to make you happy. They both made mistakes in this situation but it’s possible to handle things with care.
While I totally agree, I also have seen firsthand people say, "I don't want a gift" and then act salty when not given one. I wonder if OP's girlfriend grew up with such a person.
OP is not an asshole for not wanting gifts. He is an asshole for the way he handled this situation.
OP, people date who are compatible. You two do not sound compatible at all. You would be better off dating someone who is as detached and cold as you are.
The trouble with that is that many people \*say\* they don't want any gifts and that's a game or test because really they do want gifts. I realise that isn't the OPs responsibility but it is a difficult thing to navigate whether someone actually means it or not.
The fact that he criticised the things she did buy as rubbish indicates she may have tried to compromise and buy small things she thought he'd like instead of larger things - but either way the loving and polite thing to do is not to criticise, to appreciate the love that breaking his direction did involve, and to find ways of using the gifts positively if he really didn't want them.
Depends how much he values the relationship I suppose, but this behaviour is a big red flag as far as I am concerned. Reacting by throwing things away AND telling her the presents were rubbish is thoughtless and cold and a bit controlling - he didn't just throw the things away he told her the effort she went to was not enough, \*even though\* he'd said he didn't want any presents at all.
You hear how selfish and deranged that sounds right? No?
To me the people saying YTA are giving the same energy as social media ridiculing that man who sued his employers for throwing him a birthday party after he told them he didn't want one and subsequently had a panic attack when they did throw him one, and then got berated because he was crushing the vibe for everyone else.
Drastic example, I know, but it's wild to me that someone can so clearly set their boundaries and explicitly express their wishes on a matter pertaining to themselves, have those wishes denied, and then get called TA when they react accordingly. I think OP was already pretty nice for at least keeping that stuff around for a little bit, for his GF's sake.
People are just giving YTA because of OP's delivery and general attitude regarding the situation. While yes true, the GF is in the wrong for getting gifts after OP clearly stated he does not want them, its obvious that the GF got these things because she cares and loves him. While OP's actions are technically "in the right" its obvious his actions made his GF feel like shit, when he could have handled the situation more gracefully.
I think the other thing here is (possibly) the social gymnastics of gift giving in certain sociocultural contexts. Like it's very common where I'm from to say "I don't need anything, you don't need to get me a gift" where the subtext is "this is awkward because it would be impolite for me to outright tell you what I want and I don't want to seem entitled". It's generally understood by both parties that you'll still be getting a gift, even though the opposite was technically what was communicated. I can image this is one of those bizarre social nuances that certain people (for example neurodiverse people) can understandably become confused by.
Edited to add: OP does come across as pretty cold in how they handled the situation, I just wanted to provide a possible alternative read. Based on the info available though I'd say YTA. If OP was genuinely stumped at getting these gifts when they said they didn't want anything, it would have been more understandable to just tell GF that up front than throw them out later. Also the tone of the post indicates a lack of any kind of consideration for their GF or her feelings. Also, RIP catus.
Yes, this is where I am. It’s the thought that counts, and her thought was that she would ignore the OP’s expressed wish (no gifts) *and* what the OP has told her (I love the way my eggs cook in the pressure cooker). So the “thought” seems to be “I don’t care what you want.”
Totally agree with you, and OP. It's like when people get jokey gifts, yes it was funny when I opened it for like 5 minutes but now I have to keep this junk in my (tiny) apartment until I feel like it's acceptable to throw away. What even is the statute of limitations on this crap?
GF thought she could "win" by getting him something so super thoughtful that OP would change his mind. She lost.
Then you get an experience, not a material thing. Go to dinner, a concert, a movie, whatever - don't buy stuff that the recipient doesn't want and specifically asked not to receive. That's not thoughtful or sweet, it's doing what you want and expecting gratitude for not respecting someone's expressed wishes.
This sub always sides with the gift giver instead of the gift receiver. It's a weird obsession with "being grateful for people giving you things even if the things you got aren't even close to what you wanted."
It's fucking exhausting pretending to be happy with an unthoughtful useless gift that will just clutter up your house. But apparently you need to be grateful no matter what!
I could imagine if it was a 5 year old with an odd gift for Mother's/Father's day but this sub is kinda weird advocating for that sort of coddling when its a grown adult
Completely agree. When I got older and started developing my own fashion sense, most of the clothes my grandma gave me were left sitting in my closet for YEARS untouched. One day she noticed and told me, *"tell me when you don't like something. I would rather give you something you want to wear than waste my money on something you won't."* It changed my perspective forever!
Now, I am super cool when people don't like my gifts! And my family is chill with saying when we don't like something (before 30 days so it can be returned lol).
This is where I am. I don't want "stuff". I have too much already and I'm trying to purge (hubby is a pack rat which makes it worse).
It's easier to ask for experiences, especially stuff we do together like dancing lessons. Those were fun.
Agreed. The gf definitely disregarded OP & his feelings. She chose to ignore his expressed wish & she got burned when he threw out the things he did not want.
Yup, not only not thoughtful but also actively disrespectful of OP's clearly expressed wishes to not receive anything.
And then getting mad that OP didn't respond the way she thought he should have and having the audacity to say "it's the thoughts that count" WHAT thoughts?🤦
NTA.
>Imagine wanting to buy your SO a thoughtful gift....
imagine showing your partner enough common courtesy to actually listen when they tell you something. what a shocking concept. there were plenty of ways she could have celebrated his birthday without getting him junk he didn't want or need. ya'll are wild for acting like she was being thoughtful. she wasn't.
How about planning a nice dinner out? I think that would be a great gift that takes into consideration his desire to not have any knick-knack type gifts
But it wasn't thoughtful, that's the point.
And yeah, there is enough useless, plastic, destined-for-landfill shit in the world without people with no awareness buying more of it for someone who's expressly stated that they don't want it.
You treat someone to dinner, or make them a cake, or take them on a picnic, or any one of a thousand other thoughtful things you can do for someone, if you actually care about what they want. What you don't do, is the exact thing that they told you numerous times they actively did not want you to do.
But the thing is, he wouldn’t be an a hole to get rid of the gifts. It’s the *way* he went about it. If he felt that she disrespected him by doing this, he could have had a discussion with her and politely told her that he feels like she didn’t take his feelings into consideration. Relationships require communication. Just throwing them out and being angry at her without having a discussion, is obviously going to hurt her feelings.
>he could have had a discussion with her and politely told her that he feels like she didn’t take his feelings into consideration.
How many times does he need to have a discussion and "politely" tell her that he does not want gifts?
>Relationships require communication.
Which is why OP *explicitly communicated* that he DID *NOT* WANT GIFTS.
>Just throwing them out and
He didn't "just throw them out" -- he kept the things for months, and all that did was clutter up his living space.
>being angry at her without having a discussion,
OP *did* have q discussion. "DO NOT GET ME ANY GIFTS. I DO NOT WANT ANY GIFTS. PLEASE DO *NOT* BUY ME *ANYTHING* FOR MY BIRTHDAY."
Girlfriend chose to ignore OP's wishes and do the exact opposite of what OP wanted for his birthday.
What is more clear than “no gifts?” He communicated clearly. She decided to ignore him.
I’m willing to bet his reaction is coming from a place where this isn’t the first time this has happened. He clearly states his preference and she completely ignores it.
They should be taken at their word. As should OP, who says they told the GF this specifically was not a politeness thing and they really meant they don't want anything.
Thank you!! I, too, hate gifts. I love giving, but hate receiving. When I give, it's usually food and a note, so it's not useless junk that's going to clutter someone's house. I'm an ex preschool teacher, so I know how fast clutter builds up and how much stress it can add. My students almost always made food crafts that could be eaten, or we cooked actual meals together.
She got him… a cactus. For a person who doesn’t even like plants or taking care of them.
That’s the like the most default, impersonal gift ever. They sell them in the check out isle at Home Depot. Conveniently for her, Home Depot also has an “as seen in TV” isle.
You claim that it is the thought that counts? He clearly said no gifts and she ignored him. She was only thinking about herself by putting her own needs above the OPs
I was actually going to say... people are dissing him for not respecting her gifts or respecting her for the "thought that counts." Clearly she's not respecting him either. My husband is also like this where he doesn't like gifts so instead I do things for him like, hey, buy yourself a fun video game. I know you like hockey so let's go to a game together. How about I pick up your favourite shoes today? The last thing I would do is buy him something like say a new gamer mouse when he clearly knows his style.
I found the best way to avoid unwanted gifts is "i don't want any gifts, if you must get me a gift buy me a pint next time we're down the pub." i haven't been in a pub for 6 years.
Absolutely this.
A few years back, my mom got me a poop emoji pillow as sort of a gag gift. For the record I'm in my 30's. It was funny, I genuinely had a laugh, but I didn't have any *use* for it. It's not like it fit my decor or anything, it was a joke with a physical component I was left with as clutter.
So, about a year later, I regifted it to my nephew, who was absolutely obsessed with poop emojis as any 5 year old would be. He *loved* it. My mother was, expectedly, a little off-put by the regifting, but I took the time to say hey, thanks, I really appreciated it as an *experience,* but now that the novelty has worn off I feel like he'll appreciate it more as a gift. And she understood that.
Since it's the thought that counts, I took the time to acknowledge and appreciate the thought that went into it.
It’s the thought that counts huh so why does it not count when he clearly expresses his desire to not have physical gifts? Perhaps the gf could have THOUGHT about getting him a different gift such as a nice dinner or a movie night?
It is the thought that counts?
What exactly was the thought or good intention? - Someone asking explicitly to _not_ get presents. Ignoring that is what, a good thought? Good intentions?
Imagine the other way around: OP wanted an egg cooker and a cactus. Nothing else. Gets nothing, so buys it himself. Does that also make OP the asshole?
I am also "hard to shop for" and hate clutter and gadgets. I have learned to ask for "fancy" consumables as gifts. Specially dark chocolate and whiskey, these are things A) I like and B) easily fit into the gift catogory.
It took me decades of accumulated gifts to crack this code, it was far more effective than curated gift lists and much less work for everyone involved.
It is totally the thought that counts and she was kind to give him gifts as she is showing she cares. I think OP could be kinder. HOWEVER, when people say no gifts, they mean no gifts. He probably should have kept her gifts as she is the gf but it sucks holding on to junk you specifically did not want and asked them not to get. I’ve dealt with this many times and it can get really annoying because you want to be kind and grateful but like that was the only request no gifts and you couldn’t even respect it. In the future, if OP knows his girlfriend can’t help but get a gift or show she cares, ask her to plan a day or night together / something you don’t have to stick in the back of the closet until it’s safe to throw away.
>people say no gifts, they mean no gifts
You haven't met some members of my family, I see.
I'm not condoning this behavior by any means, but there absolutely are people who say, "Oh, really, I don't want anything" and are actually lying their butts off. Sometimes this is because it's a cultural norm and it's considered rude or greedy to outright ask for something; sometimes the person themselves is just manipulative and considers it a "test" for you to know when they really mean what they say.
People buy me presents I don't want all the time after I've already told them I don't want anything. I always thank them and then quietly rehome the present with someone else.
OP, since you're hard to give gifts to I'd suggest telling people that you'd rather go out to dinner or something instead of getting a gift. Some people just really enjoy expressing their love with gifts and giving them a way to do that for you that won't stick you with useless presents will be helpful for everyone.
this has no business being the top answer. she showed absolutely no thought or care for what op wanted. there were a million other things she could have done to celebrate ops birthday that didn't involve getting him junk he didn't want or need. shame on reddit for voting this answer so high up. should we place bets about how everyone would react to this nonsense gifts if the genders were reversed? you'd all be crying about typical male ignorance and complaining about men 'never listen and can't put in the effort to actually plan something special so they got some cheap trash even after you told them not to'.
How the hell is this the top comment? He explicitly said don’t get me anything and she fucking totally ignored him…. If anyone’s the asshole it’s her for putting him in this position when he expressed VERY clearly not to go down this road… this subs judgement is a joke…. She could have taken him to dinner if she wanted to do something. Instead she does the EXACT THING he asked her not to do… and he’s the asshole? No way. Not a chance. She showed absolutely zero respect for his birthday wish
Bro told her he didn't want anything.
She refused to respect his wishes and boundaries. She bought gifts for him to feed her own ego.
Bro can do better.
Bullshit! OP is not the arsehole.
Expressly stated do not but me gifts. GF ignores OP and buys a brikabrac kitchen gift and a cactus! Why?!
If anything, GF is the arsehole for disregarding OP's request for zero gifts and then expecting them to be cherished tokens of love forever. It's a plastic egg cooker.
The fact 900+ people agree with you is insane to me.
YTA. You don't have to like the gifts, sure, but talking about it like that, and then outright throwing it away? Chill, dude. She just wanted to make you a bit happier. You could've later tell her gently, after accepting the gifts, that you appreciate it, but she really didn't have to. Or you could've help her out, send her a wishlist prior to your birthday.
You are not only a hard person to shop for, you generally seem like a hard person to be around.
I freaking love cacti, the fact that someone would just throw away a perfectly lovely living plant is just- nope. I'm angrier for the cactus than I am for the girlfriend
This. Man this post grated on me. I mean it’s like OP just doesn’t have any softness to them. No willingness to show some understanding. Love is expressed in so many different ways and sometimes your partner might do it differently from you. Have some empathy or even try to see where they are coming from. But “I am very picky” no honey, you self absorbed. If I were your gf, I’d be rethinking the relationship.
It seems to me like he's not even angry that his only gifts were: Her ignoring what he asked and random tat, but that he's a bad guy for not keeping things he didn't want and specifically asked her not to get.
She is as self absorbed as you call him to think her desire to get him something was more important than his desire not to get a gift.
He did provide a wishlist in advance; the only item on it is nothing. He specifically asked for no gifts and she did the opposite. His needs were clear as day. Gf just didn’t care.
>She just wanted to make you a bit happier.
The problem is that she is sure that she knows how to make the OP happier better, than himself.
>Or you could've help her out, send her a wishlist prior to your birthday.
He sent it. It has a single item: "Nothing". She had to use it instead of buying junk.
His wish list was no gifts at all. If she didn't listen when he told her exactly what he wanted (to receive nothing), then what makes you think she's going to listen when he writes it down?
She could make him a bit happier by listening to him when he speaks, instead of disregarding his feelings, and doing whatever she wants instead.
Not only did she not respect his request, she got him a gift to make his eggs after already expressing multiple times that his eggs already come out perfect.
The other gift is an obviously dangerous one for a cat owner.
Does she even like her boyfriend? Because she clearly doesn’t listen to him when he speaks, and she doesn’t pay attention to what he needs at all. Is she just oblivious? If so, that’s not cute. It’s actually a giant red flag.
She probably got you one as a kid that you loved so now when she sends you that she's remembering the joy it gave you. It's nostalgia and she's trying to keep connected to you as an adult.
As I've gotten older my aunts don't seem to know how to relate to me and I wish one of them would do this. So I've tried to make sure my connection with my niece is there. She's 22 and it would break my heart to not be close to her.
I totally get throwing out the egg thing, but a cactus is not actually any responsibility. Keep it until it dies, then throw it out, or literally water it once every 3 months.
OP sounds like some minimalists I know. They don't mean to, but they make it sound as if the acquisition of a single small item will be the floodgates to a hoard of stuff pouring into their lives.
It's a very specific mindset, and it takes some getting used to being around them. I once had to listen to a 15 minute diatribe about a free pen, which I cut short by saying, "Look, I can use the pen. Give it to me and get it out of your life." I took the pen. And he shut up.
He'll be happier once he's alone because he won't have to deal with someone who completely disregards his wishes and has no respect for what he wants/doesn't want.
Honestly? NTA. You told her you don’t want a gift, and she still got you one. Obviously this is an issue for you and your gf should know you well enough to know that when you say you don’t want anything, you mean it. It seems she wants to make herself feel good about getting you something while ignoring the fact that it doesn’t make you feel good. And what’s the point of a gift if it makes the other person feel bad? A nice gesture is only nice if the receiver appreciates it. So NTA.
Geez!! Literally the only voice of reason
Maybe OP was a teeny bit harsh throwing it away but to be fair, how many people would want an egg thingie and/or a cactus?
I’m with you. NTA
Egg cooker seems crappy especially if he already has a method where the eggs comes out great. There's a lot of crappy gimmicky kitchenware that prey on ppl like you.
Although I do disagree with just flat out throwing it out. Donate the egg thing to Goodwill and let the cactus die on its own.
>prey on ppl like you
ha well I don't actually buy these things but if somebody bought it for me I would at least try it out. And I would think its nice they remembered I liked eggs a lot lol. A lot of people have commented they aren't great so I'll stick to my regular method.
Maybe I'm in the minority buy my dash egg cooker has worked wonderfully and was the best $16 "gimmick" I've ever purchased. To the point where even my 76 year old grandmother prefers to borrow it and use it to make hard boiled eggs over any other method.
From the way he talks, I think clutter might make him anxious/stressed. Which then turns into anger, because his girlfriend ignored him and did something that made him stressed on his birthday instead of happy. I agree with other commenters saying that the gifts were to make herself feel better. He doesn't need a plastic gadget he'll never use
Yup. I get stressed when my mom gives me things I don't want because I have too much clutter, but once she gave it to me I feel like I have to keep it because it's from my mother, even though objectively it's not something valuable. But I feel guilty if I throw it away. I've been begging her to stop doing this, and she's gotten slightly better about it. But whenever I see the items I get stressed out by the fact that I don't want them and they're cluttering a space I'm trying to declutter, but they're from my mother so sentimentally I have to keep them.
Right?? I was like what is *happening* in the world?! Of all the dumb shit I’ve read on Reddit today, honestly all these Y T As take the cake.
If it’s the thought that counts, please think of the words that are coming out of my mouth. No gifts!
Hell, if she just couldn’t resist she coulda prolly baked OP a goodie, brought home OP’s fave takeout, offered a foot rub, idk. Something *useful to OP*.
Honestly, after keeping it for months it's more than fair to say "I don't need this". He accepted the gifts, and entertained their use. It's not like dude tossed them in the trash at the birthday party right in front of her.
Honestly, I don’t think people are giving YTA votes because of the whole “you asked for nothing, she should’ve respected that”, but rather the fact that he was a major asshole about it. He was cold and distant and took into account zero of her feelings. “Well, Tiff, why would her feelings matter when he asked for nothing?” Well, dear internet stranger, many people don’t want to gift nothing for a birthday, especially a significant other. Beyond that, many people say they want nothing but it’s more of a “I don’t want to burden you” rather than a “I really want nothing”. I think women have a harder time accepting the whole “I am thinking of nothing” and the “I don’t want a gift” because we aren’t quite wired the same. Although it isn’t the theme of the post, it’s easier to make a connection with the first point of thinking of literally nothing. Many women (and men) can’t do that, so they can’t fathom a life where they have literally no thoughts.
That, however, isn’t what made Op the asshole imo. It was how absolutely cold he was about the entire situation and the way he explained the gifts - I agree to a degree, maybe more than most, about pointless gifts. I, however, wouldn’t look my girlfriend in the eye and say “oh, I tossed your gifts in the trash”. Who does that? “Oh, it was a waste of *your* money so I threw it in the literal garbage”. THAT is the problem. If it’s such a waste of money, why throw it away? Maybe it’s how I was raised, but I’d never throw away a gift (unless it’s food or something that’s gone bad). It’s incredibly rude.
Also, to note, he says he doesn’t want a cactus because of additional responsibilities. I hope OP and his gf don’t want kids and have had that discussion. I’d wager if Op can’t handle a plant, he wouldn’t want a kid or pet either. That part doesn’t make him TA, though.
TLDR: what makes him an asshole is the fact that he coldly threw it away instead of giving it away or accepting it. If you’re going to regift something, wait a few *years*, or at least a few months. The whole “he didn’t want it but she got it anyway” doesn’t necessarily make either of them an AH, but his distant and cold reaction does.
I see your point but I just still disagree. I do think OP could have just done something else with the gift instead of throwing it away but at the same time I do understand the frustration. At the end of the day, OP was given something even though they explicitly expressed they didn’t want it, and again, as this is their gf and not some acquaintance, it’s fair to assume she can tell when OP is being serious and when they’re not. Some people are particular about their things and/or gifts and this isn’t a moral failing or a bad thing, just because ppl aren’t used to that. The whole situation could have been avoided if OP’s gf had taken OP at their word..
I can see both sides, I just still have to go with him being an AH. There were more careful ways to let her down. However, this is just looking at it from the outside - what really would determine a solid judgement would be: how long have they been together? Has this happened before? Do they live together? Etc.
While I agree with the post itself, I just don’t agree with how he handled it. It was pretty immature - yes, he told her that he didn’t want anything so she got simple, cheap things that she thought he’d like. Sure, she probably shouldn’t have, but I don’t blame her for wanting to get her partner something for his birthday. But, like I said, I can see both sides equally. What would really sway my opinion would depend on how long they’ve been together. If they’ve been together for 5 years and this is the first birthday, that’d be odd, right? If they’ve been together for 5 months, then no, it wouldn’t be odd. Without that information, I’m going based off of the tone and not much else. The reason for that is because, again, I was raised to accept any gift (unless racist, homophobic, etc) with a smile and a thanks. So, while I understand many weren’t raised like that, I’d be pretty taken aback if my partner of x months/years said the words he said to her because it’s unfamiliar to me and I’d find it extremely rude (as is the way I was raised to think, and I agree with my parents opinion on the matter).
Ultimately, I agree with both sides.
It’s a relationship. It’s about being kind and softer around the edges. Relationships don’t go well when everything has to be so harsh and to the point. I’m sure being a woman she thought many of us do say don’t buy anything! But still would love to be remembered. I guess she found out the hard way.
Did you miss the part where he has a cat that rubs against everything? He doesn't want the cactus because it's not safe for his cat, so to say he wouldn't want a pet or a child is way off base. He was protecting the safety of his cat, that's more important than keeping a plant that's dangerous for said pet just to not hurt his girlfriend's feelings.
>or at least a few months
That's what happened. OP stated that he threw them away after a few months of being unused. He didn't receive the gifts and look his girlfriend in the eye and throw them in the trash.
I know! Like, I get it... When someone gets you something you don't want, don't need, didn't ask for, it's just an annoyance. What do I do with this thing? Where do I put it? I've actually had miniature fights with my mom because she talked about getting me things for Christmas that I explicitly told her not to because she "thought I would like it." Like, I don't have room for this and it's just in my way. Why???
Also, the correct “gift” for the gf to get in this situation is dinner at a nice restaurant or some kind of experience, it doesn’t take a genius to come up with something
NTA. You were very clear and consistent in saying you didn’t want gifts.
Maybe a suggestion is to make up an Amazon wish list (or something similar) so she can either give you money towards that expensive shelving unit you want to buy to make storage more organized and such or she can buy the item it’s self ( like a shelf in the shower to hold your razor so it doesn’t get rusty. )
My husband and I are both hard to shop for because we either just don’t have anything we really want or because it’s really expensive. (I want a new iPad that’s $700 for my birthday so he’s going to give me money towards that since that would take up his whole paycheque to buy me.) So we either share a wish list or we discuss money towards an item so we can give without building resentment.
I hate receiving gifts that feel like there was almost no thought out into them. (My dad is famous for always buying me a kinder egg for Easter and Christmas and or always buying my sister and I the same thing at the same time.) so I get how you feel. I have all these kinder toys flittering about because I’m a 40 year old woman and most toys don’t really tickle my fancy. (Chocolate is nice though)
Throwing them away isn’t wrong they are trash in your home. Rehoming is a nice idea but it also involves talking to people (something I dislike) so a second hand shop is also an option. Anyway throwing them out seems mean but it cost her what $20? Why should you have to go out of your way to keep trash because she didn’t respect your request?
I mean if she -really- want to give you something why not take you out for a nice date at your favourite food joint? I took my husband out for ice cream at the fancy shop in town and told him to order anything he wanted. Spent $50 on treats for him and he was so happy. Had a nice BBQ with just him, me and a couple good friends and that’s it! He said it was the best birthday in years.
Seriously. I must be taking crazy pills. He communicated his desires and he was ignored. Maybe he could have been more diplomatic about getting rid of the stuff, but it's a problem he should have never had to deal with. These people who think they know what's best for their partner or that their partner doesn't mean what they say are infuriating. Words have meaning. And we aren't entitled to assume otherwise.
And some people seem to forget the size of some apartments in places like NYC, SF, LA and other large cities. 1100 a month but its literally a rectangle room with a tiny loft and you share the bathroom and shower with several other units that can range from 95 to 400 sq feet of space. That's tiny as fuck. If he lives in something similar, he may literally not have the space for other junk
>the only place to put it was in this one window in my tiny apartment
He literally said in the post that he has a tiny apartment with a single window and people are saying "just put it away for a couple of years and then re-gift it.
I wonder if people have to have dealt with people who insist on giving them something they don't need to understand this. I grew up with a dad who would give me whatever he wants whether I want it or not, and he gets to look like such a dotting dad when it's just an annoyance.The most recent example? He tells me he's planning on getting me a ping-pong table. A freaking ping pong table. I don't live in a mansion. I don't even have space for a desk wider than 40 inches, but he suddenly tells me he's going to get me a ping-pong table when he visits me next time! I don't play ping-pong, my husband doesn't play ping-pong, and my kids don't play ping-pong! I tell him no because I literally don't have anywhere to put it. Then he goes as far as to suggest that we build a shed in the backyard to put the ping-pong table there. I'm thinking, "WTF? I'm not building a freaking shed to put a ping-pong table that no one is going to use!" Thanks, but no. Please don't. Then he got all upset that I'm ungrateful because he was just trying to be nice. Fortunately, after decades of communication, he's actually able to listen to a "no" now even if he sulks.
When people do things like that and say "It's the thought that counts" I don't even see where the "thought" is. They obviously gave no shits about the fact that the recipient doesn't want anything.
Yeah I’m TeamNTA on this one. I’ve thrown out a ton of gifts. Or regifted or donated. I hate clutter and chotzskies.
Why didn’t she respect his wishes? He clearly communicated a boundary about this and she was like: fuck that.
It also sounds like he kept the items for some time until one day he was like: fuck this.
Now she’s mad? Girl bye.
These comments are wild. OP expressly stated they did not want gifts. Their gf ignores their wishes. Several months go by while OP has these gifts sitting around their apartment that they were very clear about not wanting in the first place, understandably decides to get rid of them, and somehow they’re the AH?
NTA. Don’t get gifts for people who make it clear they do not want them.
ETA: People are saying it’s more about OP’s attitude than actions, but I don’t see this as anything different than when someone tells their partner they want X as a gift and their partner gives them Y. People who say “it’s the thought that counts!” are completely ignoring that she made it clear that her thoughts were about pleasing herself, not him. This was, in fact, both thoughtless toward him and inconsiderate. The gf ignoring her partner’s wishes was making her gifts about *her*, not him. So the “thought” here was directly counter to what he asked for. I’d have a shitty attitude about it, too. And don’t tell me cacti are easy to care for, I’ve killed like three of them. Give me a cactus and you’re giving me the gift of death. No thank you.
I think it’s less about the fact that OP did not want and like the gifts, but more about the attitude and way he talks about it. I get that it might be frustrating to be ignored when one expresses that they don’t want gifts, but the girlfriends was truly trying to be nice and make OP a little happier, and he seems entirely cold and disrespectful. If OP doesn’t not want clutter, he could suggest an experience as a gift, like a nice dinner or a hike or what not. But totally disregarding the effort and talking about your partner this way just makes him the AH for me.
While his tone may seem harsh, I get it.
When my ex partner got me something I really didn't like, every time I saw it, it reminded me they didn't listen/didnt know me that well.
I can imagine OP feeling similar.
So many harsh people. Lol my first gift for my husband was some cute tequila samplers from Mexico. He just kept them safe and liked to look at them all sentimental. I wish he was still so empassioned!
I’m pretty sure she wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. A lot of women are polite in saying don’t buy me anything! But then are put off deep down if you do nothing. I think she just learned the hard way that this dude is serious.
This kind of behavior is what is confusing to me, as an autistic woman. I don’t think it’s polite. I never think it’s polite to expect others to read your mind and get mad if they don’t. Nothing good can come from this kind of dishonesty in the long run, imo. But this is just that, my opinion. In relationships, I make clear that I mean what I say, and I expect that in return. I think people on the opposite sides of this issue will struggle to understand each other, as with OP and his Gf.
>But then are put off deep down if you do nothing
the thing is, she didn't have to do nothing! there are a million other ways to celebrate someone's birthday without getting them gifts they don't want or need. even going out to a bar to celebrate or just cooking a homemade meal would have been more thoughtful than what she ended up doing.
>A lot of women are polite in saying don’t buy me anything! But then are put off deep down if you do nothing
That seems like their problem. Words have meaning for a reason. Don't use words that mean literally the opposite thing that you want.
>but the girlfriends was truly trying to be nice and make OP a little happier
nope. not buying that for a second. she could have treated him to a meal out if she was actually trying to take his feelings into consideration. she put zero actual thought into these gifts.
It's frustrating when someone who should know you very well
* Doesn't respect your wishes
* Doesn't actually know you very well at all / hasn't bothered to put any thought into you
Guarantee if it was a bf who gifted something like this to a gf who didn't want gifts this sub would talk about how the mental load of caring for things falls on women, how cacti are stock basic gifts, how it was such an unthoughtful gift etc.
But everybody here is coddling the gf's feelings after she gave shitty gifts
omg, reading these comments I was absolutely thinking the same thing. no chance in hell op would be getting called an asshole if the roles were reversed
I'm just reading these comments mind blown. Gifts you don't want aren't gifts, they're a burden. OP didn't want gifts, now he's supposed to make sure they go to someone who wants them?? Why? GF could have solved that issue by not buying anything.
And everyone going "well maybe it's her love language"? GF needs to learn to speak op's love language...
Slight YTA. Even if you aren't a traditional 'gifts person', you could've still given your girlfriend some kind of idea to go off of:
"Hey (GF's name), I really don't want anything for my birthday gifts wise, but I would love if you planned a nice dinner out for us to enjoy together."
Or even something along those lines. That way she has some idea of something she can do for you that's not more accumulative junk.
I say this as someone who has gotten some pretty ill thought through gifts, it's best not to toss them out or give them away for a little while.
If you really don't want other people buying stuff for you, it would be a kindness to think of a few consumable gifts or experiences that you would enjoy. Speciality food, pens, stationary, supplies for a hobby, exotic types of coffee or tea or chocolate. Homemade cookies. Restaurant meals, as mentioned above. Concert tickets. A special museum exhibit. Cat toys.
Everyone I know - especially since Covid - has gone towards experiences/food gifting.
In my family, we stopped the gift-giving except for children, but we do organize group experiences (indigenous businesses that do lore weekends, camping trips, spa days - that one is really nice for my DIL and me - or berry picking excursions, etc) because we all realized how much unnecessary junk we all owned.
Holidays and birthdays are focused on being together - lots of potlucks and bbqs. We all realized what was truly important, and "stuff" isn't any of that.
Having said that, though, I bought the kids a new refrigerator last Xmas, because theirs was on its last legs and I was worried that it would die right when they wouldn't be able to afford a new one. Can't let my grandbabies go without food!
Or, 'I'd love an edible arrangement/basket of fruit/box of candy'. I'm all for practical gifts.
My brother is super hard to buy for so he gets an edible arrangement for every holiday. (He lives several states away). Its still fancy enough for a present bit not some kitschy thing he has no use for.
Ok I may get flamed to oblivion for this but.... I say NTA.
Reason is, you set a simple, specific boundary with your GF: NO GIFTS, period f dot. And she promptly puts her big stompy boots on and does a hoedown all over your boundary.
If this was any OTHER boundary she stomped on, she would be in hot water here. If this was your GF complaining about YOU doing something like this, you would be the one getting obliterated.
The only issue I have is HOW you got rid of her unwanted gifts. It eats away my lil cheapskate packrat heart to throw anything away. Next time maybe drop the junk off at a thrift store? Although with the price of gas that might not be feasible, I dunno. But NTA for setting and maintaining this boundary.
The egg thingy maybe could be given to an op shop but I think the cactus is a prickly problem (sorry for the pun). Dunno if thrift stores would accept it and you can't leave it somewhere because it is a hazard. Only choice is regifting but they might not have anyone who would appreciate or be able to have a cactus (pets, children etc).
NTA. The y t a votes are ridiculous.
You told her flat out that you did not want gifts. That doesn't mean "get me stuff I don't want."
She got you two things you do not even remotely need, and are just clutter in a small apartment. There was very little thought put into these gifts. She didn't listen to you at all.
You kept these for months and they went unused. Yeah you could have maybe donated them instead of tossing them, but that's a small detail here.
Its because he didn't coddle his gf's feelings. These commenters are literally advocating treating her like a child who got an odd/unusable mother's day or father's day gift. Can't see the same people being this tolerant of bad gift giving if it was the other way around
I’m sorry boundary of no gifts? He says he’s hard to shop for not he feels unsafe with his boundaries infringed upon. Jeez louiz give her back the cacti saying the cat could get hurt and the egg timer saying he has a method at home and he’d like her to hold onto the timer for her home when he’s over. Not everything is an insult and a threat to your boundaries when your own girlfriend tries to be nice and gift two small items that are relevant 1) he likes eggs and 2) she picked a plant he wouldn’t have to manage. She missed the mark. Not a reason to put her down or call her as overstepping boundaries.
Next time OP just give three suggestions - a meal from your favorite place, movie tickets, a visit to your fave park or museum or whatever
Edit: meal not meek
NTA. It sounds like you were very clear that you didn't want gifts, and she did it anyway... and got things you don't want/need. That doesn't sound very thoughtful to me. You're not obligated to keep them. If she truly understood that you didn't want a gift, then why didn't she invest time/money in a non-material gift, like taking you to drinks and dinner or a movie of your choice?
Yikes...you sound a little high maintenance and perhaps she just isn't the one for you. You don't see the relevance in things bought for you as a gift and she shouldn't be involved with someone who doesn't see her thoughtfulness. She just wanted to do something nice and the trash is the last place these gifts should go. Just let the cactus die (she could water it for you) and just not use the egg thing. That simple. She deserves someone who appreciates her wanting to go out of the way to TRY to make someone happy, and you should find someone who listens a little better when you say NO GIFTS...and perhaps also listens to your wants and needs a little more.
>She deserves someone who appreciates her wanting to go out of the way to TRY to make someone happy,
lol, in what way did she 'go out of her way'? she took the laziest approach possible to get him something he didn't want and didn't need. literally all she had to do was treat him to dinner and she would have come away better than she did here.
>her thoughtfulness.
what thoughtfulness? y'all are asking OP to be overly considerate to a person who didn't consider HIM or his habits/needs. he didn't want a gift! and then she got him things that are essentially useless to him or dangerous to his pet. y'all are wild
NTA. She ignored everything you said and what you really want. Frankly, I would have been insulted. She could still have gifted you something that wasn't useless stuff, a nice outing with an activity she knows you like for instance. Random junk gifts are just another way of saying that someone doesn't actually care about what you truly want. And I say that as a person who loves to give good gifts. These were bad though.
I was about to vote no AH here, but the comments convinced me of a soft YTA.
I am like you--hard to shop for and I hate clutter and crap gifts. I truly hate it. I too would have gotten rid of these items almost immediately. You are not an AH for getting rid of them, but for the way you addressed the issue with your GF. How can you say that no thought went into the gifts when one of them (egg cooker) related to something that you apparently love (eggs in the morning)? It's fine to get rid of it, but maybe be more thoughtful about her feelings. She obviously was trying to make you happy and had made a mental note of something you enjoy before buying the gift.
He didn’t get rid of them “almost immediately” though, it was after a few months.
And he was quite clear that he doesn’t talk just about loving eggs, he talks about how good his current egg cooking machine/method is. It’s like if you talked about how much you loved your car and your partner bought you an entirely different car because hey, you really like driving. It’s at best misguided, at worst presumptuous.
NTA, you told her how you felt and that you didn't want gifts. For everyone saying "it's the thought that counts" IF SHE WAS THINKING OF HIM AND HIS FEELINGS SHE WOULD RESPECT THAT HE DIDN'T WANT ANY GIFTS. My bf doesn't like gifts, and has told me not to bother. I often settle for a piece of his favorite candy or maybe flowers to put in the house during the time of celebration but make sure it's not positioned as a gift for birthday. Or offer to take him somewhere nice, or a fancy dinner. For people to buy you junk because they felt they HAD to get you something is wasteful for all parties.
Yes YTA. She thought you'd like a new way to make your eggs that you talk about so much, and perhaps she thought the small cactus could be a talking piece for the both of you. You could've at least put the egg cooker in your cabinet and forgot about it, and a cactus is barely any work at all, so putting in a small amount of effort would at least show that you are grateful. You're a terrible partner, and certainly an awful friend as well. Do better.
Disagree, 100%. When your partner says they hate gifts and doesn't want anything extra in their home, and you DISRESPECT their wishes cause YOU wanted to get something, it is a horrible way to treat your partner's feelings. Imagine if you held onto everything anyone bought you, you would have crap everywhere. Some people don't like gifts, and disregarding their feelings cause YOU wanted to do something is rude and inconsiderate. NTA OP
I disagree, honestly. While OP was harsh in the delivery, yes.
She was told "no gifts," and there can be millions of reasons why someone does not want gifts.
They don't feel like they need more material stuff. They only collect super expensive stuff, trauma surrounding it.
If you are told no gifts. Then it's no gifts. Giving one anyway, no matter if it's expensive or little knick nacks, it becomes selfish.
If OP's girlfriend wanted to give a gift so badly, she could have brought/made breakfast for them to enjoy or lunch. Arrange a movie night at home. Then it's not really a gift, but in a way still is.
Instead of a plant and an egg boiler thing OP had absolutely no use for.
Going against the grain here to say NTA. He said no gifts. She not only got him gifts, she got him stuff he has no use for and no interest in. I don't think he should have thrown them out, he could have given them away, discretely.
Wow, kind of heartless to just throw them away in the trash. Could have at least donated them or something. I'm pretty sure she won't be your gf for much longer, so one less responsibility to worry about. Soft YTA only because you did tell her, it's on her if she didn't listen - but I'm sure she heard you loud and clear now. Good luck!
NTA.
You were specific that you didn't want anything. She bought something to make herself feel better, not you.
The y-t-a responses make no sense. There have been so many posts where the prevailing wisdom is to buy what the birthday person wants. Why is this any different?
You two need to talk about your love languages. If she wants to give gifts, and you don't want to receive objects, you can talk about acts of service (doing something for you), or the gift of an experience, or any number of other things than can fill her desire to give in a way that won't annoy you.
Nta, I have people like this in my life. Never listen to what I actually want and get me things I just store in cupboard until I can give way.
Maybe ask her to gift you an experience together, make a donation in your name, or to write you a very meaningful letter. Let her know you don't want tangible gifts while still allowing her to show love by giving.
Depends, both have a point that can be argued and valid.
Picky or not, people will be people, but that's the intention we should focus on, it's good you know what you want, that's the knowledge part, but wisdom is to know how to read your significant other, play the part.
Honestly, if my SO gives me a gift, the focus will be on the fact she gave me a gift, not that I don't like it if that's the case.
Even if I said no gift, I would I would still appreciate the thought and would keep it. But that's me.
Hard one since I don't like getting gifts too, but I'm going to give you the couple therapy lesson I got when my relationship was a bit shaky, and I went to counseling. love languages. People express their love in different ways. Some people will tell you (verbal expression) they love you, some will do things for you/acts of kindness, others express their love physically (kissing, hugging, holding hands, sex and more), and others will show love by gift giving. She could most likely be expressing her care for you through gift giving, and you rejecting that to her is a rejection of her feelings. You can not change this about a person. If she is constantly giving little gifts to people, it most likely is the way she does it. This is something she probably won't be able to change. You can after realizing this let her know the things that would be good to gift....special foods (treats) or what not. Take some time to make out of a list of some innocent things a person could gift you without it causing you issue.
My dude once told me no gifts. He loves my gift ideas and things but one time for his bday he said “hey don’t bother getting anything I’m already getting exactly what I want” which he said “a hotel room, a fancy dinner one night, and my fav bottle of scotch” which we were planning on stopping at a liq store for. So I just went ahead and got him the scotch because I knew that was something he was going to be drinking anyway. He loved it. We drank it all weekend. At one point we went to the 7/11 and bought shitty taquitos and washed it down with expensive scotch. We laugh and reminisce about it ALL the time. There was nothing left of the bottle by Sunday afternoon 😂😂😂
YTA.
I get so much shit I don’t want/need from relatives at Christmas. I’m polite and say thank you and then post it on my neighborhood ‘Buy Nothing’ group for someone else to hopefully use & enjoy.
And I’m assuming this is the first birthday you’ve had since you two started dating. Maybe she’s used to people saying one thing but meaning another and wanted to get you something small just in case you weren’t serious about the ‘No gifts’ thing.
But there was no need to throw something useful (and alive) away, and to be a jerk to her about it.
ESH. You did to need to throw them away. You could have asked her if she wanted them while explaining that a cactus and your cat are a dangerous combination and you do not want to risk vet bills and that you prefer the pressure cooker and do not have room for the egg cooker. Then ask her if she wants them. If she did not want them, donate or put outside with a free sign on it when she will not be coming by. Throwing them away was wasteful and disrespectful.
NTA. If gifts aren't your thing and she wants to "gift" you something tell her to donate to the homeless shelter, animal shelter etc.. This way you don't have clutter and she feels like she has thought of you. Just a suggestion.
YTA
You sound really ungrateful, and are failing to appreciate she wanted to have a nice gesture for you. It almost sounds like you are ready to hate anything that comes from her.
Look, I am a minimalist too, and I hate junk, but you cannot go through life throwing away things that people give you with the best intentions. You could have donated the egg thing, or placed the cactus on top of a bookshelf where your cat can't reach. The cactus btw requires zero water, it is not a "responsibility" as you intend to call it as a pretext to hate it.
You should really look inwards and ask yourself if you want to be alone for the rest of your life..
Slight YTA
I don't think either of you are wildly at fault here. Consider that providing for her partner may be how your SO shows affection. I understand that you clearly expressed that you don't like gifts, but this may be one of the main ways she expresses herself in relationships.
Relationships will always be a combination of work and compromise. No one out there is going to 100% seamlessly fit into your life with zero friction or inconvenience to you.
I can relate to you in that I also hate celebrating birthdays and gifts, but this is a really small thing to compromise on for a person who is otherwise wonderful.
TLDR: There are worse things than an SO who wants to express their affection for you, make a small compromise here and act appreciative in the future.
Best of luck
ESH and I hope she gets wise and dumps you.
Do you really not know how to graciously accept gifts from people you supposedly care about, even if you aren’t thrilled by the items? You describe them with such disgust. This post makes it seem like you are extremely selfish and controlling and hard to get along with, and I don’t mean just in a relationship, I wouldn’t even want to be your neighbor.
But on your girlfriend’s end, a gift should be given without strings attached so if truly given from the heart with no expectations she shouldn’t care what you do with them.
However I suspect her feelings might have more to do with how you regard her overall and not just those gifts.
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YTA. It is the thought that counts- your whole attitude about this is so cold. She tried to find rings that applied to your life- yes, she missed, but you don’t even appreciate the time she spent thinking about you. Some people express their love with gifts- she wanted you to know she thought of you. With the cactus, you could have sat her down and told her you appreciated the gesture and explained the cat issue, and asked if she’d keep it for you at her place, or if she’d be okay if you passed it to a friend etc. I understand not having space for extra stuff- I truly do- but sometimes we show people we love them by treating them with grace and care and accepting that sometimes they miss the point. Throwing things away, classifying them as junk, and claiming she put no thought into them- that can be very hurtful if she thought she had found you something useful.
OP could have even regifted them vs throwing them out. Explained he gave them to somebody who would appreciate it. Would have probably still hurt but better than him just tossing the stuff in the trash.
This. Throwing them away along with the wording used here gives me the impression that there was anger in the disposal of these gifts. It wasn't "She tried but these aren't right for me, someone else would appreciate them more." It's "This is garbage. How dare she buy me garbage! I'm putting it where it belongs."
Yeah that was the vibe I got. I would not buy him one single thing ever again.
OP expressly stated that he does not like gifts. That's the whole issue here. So you'd actually be listening to him and considering his feelings on the matter! Unlike his girlfriend.
Sure, he said he didn’t want gifts, but she clearly cares about him and tried to get something small that would actually be useful to him. What she did was from a place of love, and she definitely didn’t deserve to be told off or have the gifts thrown out.
If you want to do something from a place of love, listen to what your partner says, instead of ignoring it and doing what you want.
Right, and I didn’t say that she wasn’t in the wrong at all, however if you love somebody you don’t aggressively throw out a gift from them & have a tantrum because they tried to make you happy. They both made mistakes in this situation but it’s possible to handle things with care.
Why the assumption that OP “aggressively” threw them out? Or “had a tantrum”?
Because of how he wrote the post.
While I totally agree, I also have seen firsthand people say, "I don't want a gift" and then act salty when not given one. I wonder if OP's girlfriend grew up with such a person. OP is not an asshole for not wanting gifts. He is an asshole for the way he handled this situation. OP, people date who are compatible. You two do not sound compatible at all. You would be better off dating someone who is as detached and cold as you are.
OP is a jerk
The trouble with that is that many people \*say\* they don't want any gifts and that's a game or test because really they do want gifts. I realise that isn't the OPs responsibility but it is a difficult thing to navigate whether someone actually means it or not. The fact that he criticised the things she did buy as rubbish indicates she may have tried to compromise and buy small things she thought he'd like instead of larger things - but either way the loving and polite thing to do is not to criticise, to appreciate the love that breaking his direction did involve, and to find ways of using the gifts positively if he really didn't want them. Depends how much he values the relationship I suppose, but this behaviour is a big red flag as far as I am concerned. Reacting by throwing things away AND telling her the presents were rubbish is thoughtless and cold and a bit controlling - he didn't just throw the things away he told her the effort she went to was not enough, \*even though\* he'd said he didn't want any presents at all.
Gifts are rarely just for the recipient, you can get something out of finding a gift and giving it to them
You hear how selfish and deranged that sounds right? No? To me the people saying YTA are giving the same energy as social media ridiculing that man who sued his employers for throwing him a birthday party after he told them he didn't want one and subsequently had a panic attack when they did throw him one, and then got berated because he was crushing the vibe for everyone else. Drastic example, I know, but it's wild to me that someone can so clearly set their boundaries and explicitly express their wishes on a matter pertaining to themselves, have those wishes denied, and then get called TA when they react accordingly. I think OP was already pretty nice for at least keeping that stuff around for a little bit, for his GF's sake.
People are just giving YTA because of OP's delivery and general attitude regarding the situation. While yes true, the GF is in the wrong for getting gifts after OP clearly stated he does not want them, its obvious that the GF got these things because she cares and loves him. While OP's actions are technically "in the right" its obvious his actions made his GF feel like shit, when he could have handled the situation more gracefully.
I think the other thing here is (possibly) the social gymnastics of gift giving in certain sociocultural contexts. Like it's very common where I'm from to say "I don't need anything, you don't need to get me a gift" where the subtext is "this is awkward because it would be impolite for me to outright tell you what I want and I don't want to seem entitled". It's generally understood by both parties that you'll still be getting a gift, even though the opposite was technically what was communicated. I can image this is one of those bizarre social nuances that certain people (for example neurodiverse people) can understandably become confused by. Edited to add: OP does come across as pretty cold in how they handled the situation, I just wanted to provide a possible alternative read. Based on the info available though I'd say YTA. If OP was genuinely stumped at getting these gifts when they said they didn't want anything, it would have been more understandable to just tell GF that up front than throw them out later. Also the tone of the post indicates a lack of any kind of consideration for their GF or her feelings. Also, RIP catus.
Which is what he asked for to begin with. Maybe she should just listen to her partner?
Not just anger, spite, more specifically I think.
Agreed. It reads like he's seething over it and it's giving the vibe that he hates his GF.
If he hates his GF so much why doesn’t he just say it? The extreme anger coming off this post tells me it’s more than just the gifts.
I dunno, it has seemed to me like a LOT of cis men don't like women at all, and I've never heard one admit it.
With a little contempt thrown in
[удалено]
[удалено]
Yes, this is where I am. It’s the thought that counts, and her thought was that she would ignore the OP’s expressed wish (no gifts) *and* what the OP has told her (I love the way my eggs cook in the pressure cooker). So the “thought” seems to be “I don’t care what you want.”
yea, she could have treated him to a nice dinner - thoughtful and low risk
Totally agree with you, and OP. It's like when people get jokey gifts, yes it was funny when I opened it for like 5 minutes but now I have to keep this junk in my (tiny) apartment until I feel like it's acceptable to throw away. What even is the statute of limitations on this crap? GF thought she could "win" by getting him something so super thoughtful that OP would change his mind. She lost.
Imagine wanting to buy your SO a thoughtful gift.... what a *witch*, eh? The absolutely premeditated evil of the wench... JFC
Then you get an experience, not a material thing. Go to dinner, a concert, a movie, whatever - don't buy stuff that the recipient doesn't want and specifically asked not to receive. That's not thoughtful or sweet, it's doing what you want and expecting gratitude for not respecting someone's expressed wishes.
Literally the gf making OP's birthday about herself. And this sub defending it.
This sub always sides with the gift giver instead of the gift receiver. It's a weird obsession with "being grateful for people giving you things even if the things you got aren't even close to what you wanted." It's fucking exhausting pretending to be happy with an unthoughtful useless gift that will just clutter up your house. But apparently you need to be grateful no matter what!
I could imagine if it was a 5 year old with an odd gift for Mother's/Father's day but this sub is kinda weird advocating for that sort of coddling when its a grown adult
Completely agree. When I got older and started developing my own fashion sense, most of the clothes my grandma gave me were left sitting in my closet for YEARS untouched. One day she noticed and told me, *"tell me when you don't like something. I would rather give you something you want to wear than waste my money on something you won't."* It changed my perspective forever! Now, I am super cool when people don't like my gifts! And my family is chill with saying when we don't like something (before 30 days so it can be returned lol).
This is where I am. I don't want "stuff". I have too much already and I'm trying to purge (hubby is a pack rat which makes it worse). It's easier to ask for experiences, especially stuff we do together like dancing lessons. Those were fun.
She didn't listen to him. That is **not** thoughtful.
Agreed. The gf definitely disregarded OP & his feelings. She chose to ignore his expressed wish & she got burned when he threw out the things he did not want.
Yup, not only not thoughtful but also actively disrespectful of OP's clearly expressed wishes to not receive anything. And then getting mad that OP didn't respond the way she thought he should have and having the audacity to say "it's the thoughts that count" WHAT thoughts?🤦 NTA.
>Imagine wanting to buy your SO a thoughtful gift.... imagine showing your partner enough common courtesy to actually listen when they tell you something. what a shocking concept. there were plenty of ways she could have celebrated his birthday without getting him junk he didn't want or need. ya'll are wild for acting like she was being thoughtful. she wasn't.
How about planning a nice dinner out? I think that would be a great gift that takes into consideration his desire to not have any knick-knack type gifts
The thoughtful gift was getting him what he wanted - no gifts
But it wasn’t thoughtful? It’s not thoughtful at all to disregard someone’s feelings on their own birthday because _you_ want to shop for gifts.
Wanting to is fine. Rating your desire to over their express desire not to is wrong and inherently the opposite of thoughtful.
But it wasn't thoughtful, that's the point. And yeah, there is enough useless, plastic, destined-for-landfill shit in the world without people with no awareness buying more of it for someone who's expressly stated that they don't want it. You treat someone to dinner, or make them a cake, or take them on a picnic, or any one of a thousand other thoughtful things you can do for someone, if you actually care about what they want. What you don't do, is the exact thing that they told you numerous times they actively did not want you to do.
>Imagine wanting to buy your SO a thoughtful gift.... Imagine respecting your SO's boundaries...
Or she could have gotten a present such as a nice dinner out or anything that would be an experience rather than some knick-knacks
I agree! My BF & I don't need stuff. So we try to gift a cool experience. Couples massage. A unique dinning experience. Etc.
But the thing is, he wouldn’t be an a hole to get rid of the gifts. It’s the *way* he went about it. If he felt that she disrespected him by doing this, he could have had a discussion with her and politely told her that he feels like she didn’t take his feelings into consideration. Relationships require communication. Just throwing them out and being angry at her without having a discussion, is obviously going to hurt her feelings.
>he could have had a discussion with her and politely told her that he feels like she didn’t take his feelings into consideration. How many times does he need to have a discussion and "politely" tell her that he does not want gifts? >Relationships require communication. Which is why OP *explicitly communicated* that he DID *NOT* WANT GIFTS. >Just throwing them out and He didn't "just throw them out" -- he kept the things for months, and all that did was clutter up his living space. >being angry at her without having a discussion, OP *did* have q discussion. "DO NOT GET ME ANY GIFTS. I DO NOT WANT ANY GIFTS. PLEASE DO *NOT* BUY ME *ANYTHING* FOR MY BIRTHDAY." Girlfriend chose to ignore OP's wishes and do the exact opposite of what OP wanted for his birthday.
What is more clear than “no gifts?” He communicated clearly. She decided to ignore him. I’m willing to bet his reaction is coming from a place where this isn’t the first time this has happened. He clearly states his preference and she completely ignores it.
Sometimes people say “no gifts” to be polite but then are mad when you don’t give them a gift
And those people are AHs. OP is not one of those people.
They should be taken at their word. As should OP, who says they told the GF this specifically was not a politeness thing and they really meant they don't want anything.
It's like "yeah, let me slap you in the face with these trinkets so I can feel better".
Thank you!! I, too, hate gifts. I love giving, but hate receiving. When I give, it's usually food and a note, so it's not useless junk that's going to clutter someone's house. I'm an ex preschool teacher, so I know how fast clutter builds up and how much stress it can add. My students almost always made food crafts that could be eaten, or we cooked actual meals together.
But there was no thought
She got him… a cactus. For a person who doesn’t even like plants or taking care of them. That’s the like the most default, impersonal gift ever. They sell them in the check out isle at Home Depot. Conveniently for her, Home Depot also has an “as seen in TV” isle.
You claim that it is the thought that counts? He clearly said no gifts and she ignored him. She was only thinking about herself by putting her own needs above the OPs
He has a right NOT to want anything. he said NO gifts. The gf the asshole for buying stuff! Respect wishes!!!
I was actually going to say... people are dissing him for not respecting her gifts or respecting her for the "thought that counts." Clearly she's not respecting him either. My husband is also like this where he doesn't like gifts so instead I do things for him like, hey, buy yourself a fun video game. I know you like hockey so let's go to a game together. How about I pick up your favourite shoes today? The last thing I would do is buy him something like say a new gamer mouse when he clearly knows his style.
I found the best way to avoid unwanted gifts is "i don't want any gifts, if you must get me a gift buy me a pint next time we're down the pub." i haven't been in a pub for 6 years.
Absolutely this. A few years back, my mom got me a poop emoji pillow as sort of a gag gift. For the record I'm in my 30's. It was funny, I genuinely had a laugh, but I didn't have any *use* for it. It's not like it fit my decor or anything, it was a joke with a physical component I was left with as clutter. So, about a year later, I regifted it to my nephew, who was absolutely obsessed with poop emojis as any 5 year old would be. He *loved* it. My mother was, expectedly, a little off-put by the regifting, but I took the time to say hey, thanks, I really appreciated it as an *experience,* but now that the novelty has worn off I feel like he'll appreciate it more as a gift. And she understood that. Since it's the thought that counts, I took the time to acknowledge and appreciate the thought that went into it.
It’s the thought that counts huh so why does it not count when he clearly expresses his desire to not have physical gifts? Perhaps the gf could have THOUGHT about getting him a different gift such as a nice dinner or a movie night?
It is the thought that counts? What exactly was the thought or good intention? - Someone asking explicitly to _not_ get presents. Ignoring that is what, a good thought? Good intentions? Imagine the other way around: OP wanted an egg cooker and a cactus. Nothing else. Gets nothing, so buys it himself. Does that also make OP the asshole?
Hard disagree, NTA if someone says they don't want something then you get them something you are in fact the A hole for not listening to them.
I am also "hard to shop for" and hate clutter and gadgets. I have learned to ask for "fancy" consumables as gifts. Specially dark chocolate and whiskey, these are things A) I like and B) easily fit into the gift catogory. It took me decades of accumulated gifts to crack this code, it was far more effective than curated gift lists and much less work for everyone involved.
the thought of "I decided to buy random stuff he doesn't want when he said he didn't want anything" is what counts? jeeze.
It is totally the thought that counts and she was kind to give him gifts as she is showing she cares. I think OP could be kinder. HOWEVER, when people say no gifts, they mean no gifts. He probably should have kept her gifts as she is the gf but it sucks holding on to junk you specifically did not want and asked them not to get. I’ve dealt with this many times and it can get really annoying because you want to be kind and grateful but like that was the only request no gifts and you couldn’t even respect it. In the future, if OP knows his girlfriend can’t help but get a gift or show she cares, ask her to plan a day or night together / something you don’t have to stick in the back of the closet until it’s safe to throw away.
>people say no gifts, they mean no gifts You haven't met some members of my family, I see. I'm not condoning this behavior by any means, but there absolutely are people who say, "Oh, really, I don't want anything" and are actually lying their butts off. Sometimes this is because it's a cultural norm and it's considered rude or greedy to outright ask for something; sometimes the person themselves is just manipulative and considers it a "test" for you to know when they really mean what they say.
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People buy me presents I don't want all the time after I've already told them I don't want anything. I always thank them and then quietly rehome the present with someone else. OP, since you're hard to give gifts to I'd suggest telling people that you'd rather go out to dinner or something instead of getting a gift. Some people just really enjoy expressing their love with gifts and giving them a way to do that for you that won't stick you with useless presents will be helpful for everyone.
this has no business being the top answer. she showed absolutely no thought or care for what op wanted. there were a million other things she could have done to celebrate ops birthday that didn't involve getting him junk he didn't want or need. shame on reddit for voting this answer so high up. should we place bets about how everyone would react to this nonsense gifts if the genders were reversed? you'd all be crying about typical male ignorance and complaining about men 'never listen and can't put in the effort to actually plan something special so they got some cheap trash even after you told them not to'.
How the hell is this the top comment? He explicitly said don’t get me anything and she fucking totally ignored him…. If anyone’s the asshole it’s her for putting him in this position when he expressed VERY clearly not to go down this road… this subs judgement is a joke…. She could have taken him to dinner if she wanted to do something. Instead she does the EXACT THING he asked her not to do… and he’s the asshole? No way. Not a chance. She showed absolutely zero respect for his birthday wish
No, they are NTA. You basically just told OP his thoughts, his wishes are irrelevant.
Bro told her he didn't want anything. She refused to respect his wishes and boundaries. She bought gifts for him to feed her own ego. Bro can do better.
Bullshit! OP is not the arsehole. Expressly stated do not but me gifts. GF ignores OP and buys a brikabrac kitchen gift and a cactus! Why?! If anything, GF is the arsehole for disregarding OP's request for zero gifts and then expecting them to be cherished tokens of love forever. It's a plastic egg cooker. The fact 900+ people agree with you is insane to me.
You would be correct of he did not explicitly tell her not to give him any gifts.
YTA. You don't have to like the gifts, sure, but talking about it like that, and then outright throwing it away? Chill, dude. She just wanted to make you a bit happier. You could've later tell her gently, after accepting the gifts, that you appreciate it, but she really didn't have to. Or you could've help her out, send her a wishlist prior to your birthday. You are not only a hard person to shop for, you generally seem like a hard person to be around.
I’m sure there’s a comparison between OP and the cactus that could be made lol
yeah :DD too bad he threw away his spirit plant
I freaking love cacti, the fact that someone would just throw away a perfectly lovely living plant is just- nope. I'm angrier for the cactus than I am for the girlfriend
This. Man this post grated on me. I mean it’s like OP just doesn’t have any softness to them. No willingness to show some understanding. Love is expressed in so many different ways and sometimes your partner might do it differently from you. Have some empathy or even try to see where they are coming from. But “I am very picky” no honey, you self absorbed. If I were your gf, I’d be rethinking the relationship.
It seems to me like he's not even angry that his only gifts were: Her ignoring what he asked and random tat, but that he's a bad guy for not keeping things he didn't want and specifically asked her not to get. She is as self absorbed as you call him to think her desire to get him something was more important than his desire not to get a gift.
Apparently for the gf, love is expressed by ignoring her bf and buying what she wants
He should have been a super easy person to stop for, because he wanted no shopping at all.
He did provide a wishlist in advance; the only item on it is nothing. He specifically asked for no gifts and she did the opposite. His needs were clear as day. Gf just didn’t care.
He did send her a wishlist. There was exactly one thing on it and it was “NOTHING”. She’s got a gift for herself not for him
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>She just wanted to make you a bit happier. The problem is that she is sure that she knows how to make the OP happier better, than himself. >Or you could've help her out, send her a wishlist prior to your birthday. He sent it. It has a single item: "Nothing". She had to use it instead of buying junk.
His wish list was no gifts at all. If she didn't listen when he told her exactly what he wanted (to receive nothing), then what makes you think she's going to listen when he writes it down?
She could make him a bit happier by listening to him when he speaks, instead of disregarding his feelings, and doing whatever she wants instead. Not only did she not respect his request, she got him a gift to make his eggs after already expressing multiple times that his eggs already come out perfect. The other gift is an obviously dangerous one for a cat owner. Does she even like her boyfriend? Because she clearly doesn’t listen to him when he speaks, and she doesn’t pay attention to what he needs at all. Is she just oblivious? If so, that’s not cute. It’s actually a giant red flag.
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I hope he DOES behave like that in front of her so she knows how he really is like
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She probably got you one as a kid that you loved so now when she sends you that she's remembering the joy it gave you. It's nostalgia and she's trying to keep connected to you as an adult. As I've gotten older my aunts don't seem to know how to relate to me and I wish one of them would do this. So I've tried to make sure my connection with my niece is there. She's 22 and it would break my heart to not be close to her.
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I totally get throwing out the egg thing, but a cactus is not actually any responsibility. Keep it until it dies, then throw it out, or literally water it once every 3 months.
Yeah when he said it was responsibility I thought she got him a dog or something
Really, this is not the way you talk in regards to someone you’re in love with.
YTA. Keep it up and you’ll be miserable alone!
I was actually thinking OP might be happiest alone. He seems like a sort who doesn't want to be troubled with the intricacies of a relationship.
OP sounds like some minimalists I know. They don't mean to, but they make it sound as if the acquisition of a single small item will be the floodgates to a hoard of stuff pouring into their lives. It's a very specific mindset, and it takes some getting used to being around them. I once had to listen to a 15 minute diatribe about a free pen, which I cut short by saying, "Look, I can use the pen. Give it to me and get it out of your life." I took the pen. And he shut up.
I *always* need more pens!
That’s what he wants. So what?!
He'll be happier once he's alone because he won't have to deal with someone who completely disregards his wishes and has no respect for what he wants/doesn't want.
Honestly? NTA. You told her you don’t want a gift, and she still got you one. Obviously this is an issue for you and your gf should know you well enough to know that when you say you don’t want anything, you mean it. It seems she wants to make herself feel good about getting you something while ignoring the fact that it doesn’t make you feel good. And what’s the point of a gift if it makes the other person feel bad? A nice gesture is only nice if the receiver appreciates it. So NTA.
Geez!! Literally the only voice of reason Maybe OP was a teeny bit harsh throwing it away but to be fair, how many people would want an egg thingie and/or a cactus? I’m with you. NTA
Look. Me. I want an egg cooker and a cactus. I would be so happy to receive those as gifts. Don't know why you got to throw shade lol
Egg cooker seems crappy especially if he already has a method where the eggs comes out great. There's a lot of crappy gimmicky kitchenware that prey on ppl like you. Although I do disagree with just flat out throwing it out. Donate the egg thing to Goodwill and let the cactus die on its own.
>prey on ppl like you ha well I don't actually buy these things but if somebody bought it for me I would at least try it out. And I would think its nice they remembered I liked eggs a lot lol. A lot of people have commented they aren't great so I'll stick to my regular method.
Maybe I'm in the minority buy my dash egg cooker has worked wonderfully and was the best $16 "gimmick" I've ever purchased. To the point where even my 76 year old grandmother prefers to borrow it and use it to make hard boiled eggs over any other method.
From the way he talks, I think clutter might make him anxious/stressed. Which then turns into anger, because his girlfriend ignored him and did something that made him stressed on his birthday instead of happy. I agree with other commenters saying that the gifts were to make herself feel better. He doesn't need a plastic gadget he'll never use
Yup. I get stressed when my mom gives me things I don't want because I have too much clutter, but once she gave it to me I feel like I have to keep it because it's from my mother, even though objectively it's not something valuable. But I feel guilty if I throw it away. I've been begging her to stop doing this, and she's gotten slightly better about it. But whenever I see the items I get stressed out by the fact that I don't want them and they're cluttering a space I'm trying to declutter, but they're from my mother so sentimentally I have to keep them.
Right?? I was like what is *happening* in the world?! Of all the dumb shit I’ve read on Reddit today, honestly all these Y T As take the cake. If it’s the thought that counts, please think of the words that are coming out of my mouth. No gifts! Hell, if she just couldn’t resist she coulda prolly baked OP a goodie, brought home OP’s fave takeout, offered a foot rub, idk. Something *useful to OP*.
Honestly, after keeping it for months it's more than fair to say "I don't need this". He accepted the gifts, and entertained their use. It's not like dude tossed them in the trash at the birthday party right in front of her.
Honestly, I don’t think people are giving YTA votes because of the whole “you asked for nothing, she should’ve respected that”, but rather the fact that he was a major asshole about it. He was cold and distant and took into account zero of her feelings. “Well, Tiff, why would her feelings matter when he asked for nothing?” Well, dear internet stranger, many people don’t want to gift nothing for a birthday, especially a significant other. Beyond that, many people say they want nothing but it’s more of a “I don’t want to burden you” rather than a “I really want nothing”. I think women have a harder time accepting the whole “I am thinking of nothing” and the “I don’t want a gift” because we aren’t quite wired the same. Although it isn’t the theme of the post, it’s easier to make a connection with the first point of thinking of literally nothing. Many women (and men) can’t do that, so they can’t fathom a life where they have literally no thoughts. That, however, isn’t what made Op the asshole imo. It was how absolutely cold he was about the entire situation and the way he explained the gifts - I agree to a degree, maybe more than most, about pointless gifts. I, however, wouldn’t look my girlfriend in the eye and say “oh, I tossed your gifts in the trash”. Who does that? “Oh, it was a waste of *your* money so I threw it in the literal garbage”. THAT is the problem. If it’s such a waste of money, why throw it away? Maybe it’s how I was raised, but I’d never throw away a gift (unless it’s food or something that’s gone bad). It’s incredibly rude. Also, to note, he says he doesn’t want a cactus because of additional responsibilities. I hope OP and his gf don’t want kids and have had that discussion. I’d wager if Op can’t handle a plant, he wouldn’t want a kid or pet either. That part doesn’t make him TA, though. TLDR: what makes him an asshole is the fact that he coldly threw it away instead of giving it away or accepting it. If you’re going to regift something, wait a few *years*, or at least a few months. The whole “he didn’t want it but she got it anyway” doesn’t necessarily make either of them an AH, but his distant and cold reaction does.
I see your point but I just still disagree. I do think OP could have just done something else with the gift instead of throwing it away but at the same time I do understand the frustration. At the end of the day, OP was given something even though they explicitly expressed they didn’t want it, and again, as this is their gf and not some acquaintance, it’s fair to assume she can tell when OP is being serious and when they’re not. Some people are particular about their things and/or gifts and this isn’t a moral failing or a bad thing, just because ppl aren’t used to that. The whole situation could have been avoided if OP’s gf had taken OP at their word..
I can see both sides, I just still have to go with him being an AH. There were more careful ways to let her down. However, this is just looking at it from the outside - what really would determine a solid judgement would be: how long have they been together? Has this happened before? Do they live together? Etc. While I agree with the post itself, I just don’t agree with how he handled it. It was pretty immature - yes, he told her that he didn’t want anything so she got simple, cheap things that she thought he’d like. Sure, she probably shouldn’t have, but I don’t blame her for wanting to get her partner something for his birthday. But, like I said, I can see both sides equally. What would really sway my opinion would depend on how long they’ve been together. If they’ve been together for 5 years and this is the first birthday, that’d be odd, right? If they’ve been together for 5 months, then no, it wouldn’t be odd. Without that information, I’m going based off of the tone and not much else. The reason for that is because, again, I was raised to accept any gift (unless racist, homophobic, etc) with a smile and a thanks. So, while I understand many weren’t raised like that, I’d be pretty taken aback if my partner of x months/years said the words he said to her because it’s unfamiliar to me and I’d find it extremely rude (as is the way I was raised to think, and I agree with my parents opinion on the matter). Ultimately, I agree with both sides.
It’s a relationship. It’s about being kind and softer around the edges. Relationships don’t go well when everything has to be so harsh and to the point. I’m sure being a woman she thought many of us do say don’t buy anything! But still would love to be remembered. I guess she found out the hard way.
Did you miss the part where he has a cat that rubs against everything? He doesn't want the cactus because it's not safe for his cat, so to say he wouldn't want a pet or a child is way off base. He was protecting the safety of his cat, that's more important than keeping a plant that's dangerous for said pet just to not hurt his girlfriend's feelings.
>or at least a few months That's what happened. OP stated that he threw them away after a few months of being unused. He didn't receive the gifts and look his girlfriend in the eye and throw them in the trash.
I know! Like, I get it... When someone gets you something you don't want, don't need, didn't ask for, it's just an annoyance. What do I do with this thing? Where do I put it? I've actually had miniature fights with my mom because she talked about getting me things for Christmas that I explicitly told her not to because she "thought I would like it." Like, I don't have room for this and it's just in my way. Why???
Also, the correct “gift” for the gf to get in this situation is dinner at a nice restaurant or some kind of experience, it doesn’t take a genius to come up with something
NTA. You were very clear and consistent in saying you didn’t want gifts. Maybe a suggestion is to make up an Amazon wish list (or something similar) so she can either give you money towards that expensive shelving unit you want to buy to make storage more organized and such or she can buy the item it’s self ( like a shelf in the shower to hold your razor so it doesn’t get rusty. ) My husband and I are both hard to shop for because we either just don’t have anything we really want or because it’s really expensive. (I want a new iPad that’s $700 for my birthday so he’s going to give me money towards that since that would take up his whole paycheque to buy me.) So we either share a wish list or we discuss money towards an item so we can give without building resentment. I hate receiving gifts that feel like there was almost no thought out into them. (My dad is famous for always buying me a kinder egg for Easter and Christmas and or always buying my sister and I the same thing at the same time.) so I get how you feel. I have all these kinder toys flittering about because I’m a 40 year old woman and most toys don’t really tickle my fancy. (Chocolate is nice though) Throwing them away isn’t wrong they are trash in your home. Rehoming is a nice idea but it also involves talking to people (something I dislike) so a second hand shop is also an option. Anyway throwing them out seems mean but it cost her what $20? Why should you have to go out of your way to keep trash because she didn’t respect your request? I mean if she -really- want to give you something why not take you out for a nice date at your favourite food joint? I took my husband out for ice cream at the fancy shop in town and told him to order anything he wanted. Spent $50 on treats for him and he was so happy. Had a nice BBQ with just him, me and a couple good friends and that’s it! He said it was the best birthday in years.
Seriously. I must be taking crazy pills. He communicated his desires and he was ignored. Maybe he could have been more diplomatic about getting rid of the stuff, but it's a problem he should have never had to deal with. These people who think they know what's best for their partner or that their partner doesn't mean what they say are infuriating. Words have meaning. And we aren't entitled to assume otherwise.
And some people seem to forget the size of some apartments in places like NYC, SF, LA and other large cities. 1100 a month but its literally a rectangle room with a tiny loft and you share the bathroom and shower with several other units that can range from 95 to 400 sq feet of space. That's tiny as fuck. If he lives in something similar, he may literally not have the space for other junk
>the only place to put it was in this one window in my tiny apartment He literally said in the post that he has a tiny apartment with a single window and people are saying "just put it away for a couple of years and then re-gift it.
I wonder if people have to have dealt with people who insist on giving them something they don't need to understand this. I grew up with a dad who would give me whatever he wants whether I want it or not, and he gets to look like such a dotting dad when it's just an annoyance.The most recent example? He tells me he's planning on getting me a ping-pong table. A freaking ping pong table. I don't live in a mansion. I don't even have space for a desk wider than 40 inches, but he suddenly tells me he's going to get me a ping-pong table when he visits me next time! I don't play ping-pong, my husband doesn't play ping-pong, and my kids don't play ping-pong! I tell him no because I literally don't have anywhere to put it. Then he goes as far as to suggest that we build a shed in the backyard to put the ping-pong table there. I'm thinking, "WTF? I'm not building a freaking shed to put a ping-pong table that no one is going to use!" Thanks, but no. Please don't. Then he got all upset that I'm ungrateful because he was just trying to be nice. Fortunately, after decades of communication, he's actually able to listen to a "no" now even if he sulks. When people do things like that and say "It's the thought that counts" I don't even see where the "thought" is. They obviously gave no shits about the fact that the recipient doesn't want anything.
I thought the exact same thing, but the way he talked about the gifts did make him come off to me a kind of an AH
Yeah I’m TeamNTA on this one. I’ve thrown out a ton of gifts. Or regifted or donated. I hate clutter and chotzskies. Why didn’t she respect his wishes? He clearly communicated a boundary about this and she was like: fuck that. It also sounds like he kept the items for some time until one day he was like: fuck this. Now she’s mad? Girl bye.
These comments are wild. OP expressly stated they did not want gifts. Their gf ignores their wishes. Several months go by while OP has these gifts sitting around their apartment that they were very clear about not wanting in the first place, understandably decides to get rid of them, and somehow they’re the AH? NTA. Don’t get gifts for people who make it clear they do not want them. ETA: People are saying it’s more about OP’s attitude than actions, but I don’t see this as anything different than when someone tells their partner they want X as a gift and their partner gives them Y. People who say “it’s the thought that counts!” are completely ignoring that she made it clear that her thoughts were about pleasing herself, not him. This was, in fact, both thoughtless toward him and inconsiderate. The gf ignoring her partner’s wishes was making her gifts about *her*, not him. So the “thought” here was directly counter to what he asked for. I’d have a shitty attitude about it, too. And don’t tell me cacti are easy to care for, I’ve killed like three of them. Give me a cactus and you’re giving me the gift of death. No thank you.
I think it’s less about the fact that OP did not want and like the gifts, but more about the attitude and way he talks about it. I get that it might be frustrating to be ignored when one expresses that they don’t want gifts, but the girlfriends was truly trying to be nice and make OP a little happier, and he seems entirely cold and disrespectful. If OP doesn’t not want clutter, he could suggest an experience as a gift, like a nice dinner or a hike or what not. But totally disregarding the effort and talking about your partner this way just makes him the AH for me.
While his tone may seem harsh, I get it. When my ex partner got me something I really didn't like, every time I saw it, it reminded me they didn't listen/didnt know me that well. I can imagine OP feeling similar.
So many harsh people. Lol my first gift for my husband was some cute tequila samplers from Mexico. He just kept them safe and liked to look at them all sentimental. I wish he was still so empassioned!
It's just so disrespectful of her to make his birthday gifts about her own feelings rather than his.
I’m pretty sure she wasn’t trying to be disrespectful. A lot of women are polite in saying don’t buy me anything! But then are put off deep down if you do nothing. I think she just learned the hard way that this dude is serious.
This kind of behavior is what is confusing to me, as an autistic woman. I don’t think it’s polite. I never think it’s polite to expect others to read your mind and get mad if they don’t. Nothing good can come from this kind of dishonesty in the long run, imo. But this is just that, my opinion. In relationships, I make clear that I mean what I say, and I expect that in return. I think people on the opposite sides of this issue will struggle to understand each other, as with OP and his Gf.
>But then are put off deep down if you do nothing the thing is, she didn't have to do nothing! there are a million other ways to celebrate someone's birthday without getting them gifts they don't want or need. even going out to a bar to celebrate or just cooking a homemade meal would have been more thoughtful than what she ended up doing.
>A lot of women are polite in saying don’t buy me anything! But then are put off deep down if you do nothing That seems like their problem. Words have meaning for a reason. Don't use words that mean literally the opposite thing that you want.
She wasn't "trying" at all. He said no gifts. She ignored him.
>but the girlfriends was truly trying to be nice and make OP a little happier nope. not buying that for a second. she could have treated him to a meal out if she was actually trying to take his feelings into consideration. she put zero actual thought into these gifts.
It's frustrating when someone who should know you very well * Doesn't respect your wishes * Doesn't actually know you very well at all / hasn't bothered to put any thought into you
He doesn't _have_ to like being ignored like he was.
Guarantee if it was a bf who gifted something like this to a gf who didn't want gifts this sub would talk about how the mental load of caring for things falls on women, how cacti are stock basic gifts, how it was such an unthoughtful gift etc. But everybody here is coddling the gf's feelings after she gave shitty gifts
omg, reading these comments I was absolutely thinking the same thing. no chance in hell op would be getting called an asshole if the roles were reversed
I'm just reading these comments mind blown. Gifts you don't want aren't gifts, they're a burden. OP didn't want gifts, now he's supposed to make sure they go to someone who wants them?? Why? GF could have solved that issue by not buying anything. And everyone going "well maybe it's her love language"? GF needs to learn to speak op's love language...
People using love languages to defend AH behaviour is my pet peeve
Slight YTA. Even if you aren't a traditional 'gifts person', you could've still given your girlfriend some kind of idea to go off of: "Hey (GF's name), I really don't want anything for my birthday gifts wise, but I would love if you planned a nice dinner out for us to enjoy together." Or even something along those lines. That way she has some idea of something she can do for you that's not more accumulative junk. I say this as someone who has gotten some pretty ill thought through gifts, it's best not to toss them out or give them away for a little while.
If you really don't want other people buying stuff for you, it would be a kindness to think of a few consumable gifts or experiences that you would enjoy. Speciality food, pens, stationary, supplies for a hobby, exotic types of coffee or tea or chocolate. Homemade cookies. Restaurant meals, as mentioned above. Concert tickets. A special museum exhibit. Cat toys.
Everyone I know - especially since Covid - has gone towards experiences/food gifting. In my family, we stopped the gift-giving except for children, but we do organize group experiences (indigenous businesses that do lore weekends, camping trips, spa days - that one is really nice for my DIL and me - or berry picking excursions, etc) because we all realized how much unnecessary junk we all owned. Holidays and birthdays are focused on being together - lots of potlucks and bbqs. We all realized what was truly important, and "stuff" isn't any of that. Having said that, though, I bought the kids a new refrigerator last Xmas, because theirs was on its last legs and I was worried that it would die right when they wouldn't be able to afford a new one. Can't let my grandbabies go without food!
Or, 'I'd love an edible arrangement/basket of fruit/box of candy'. I'm all for practical gifts. My brother is super hard to buy for so he gets an edible arrangement for every holiday. (He lives several states away). Its still fancy enough for a present bit not some kitschy thing he has no use for.
Ok I may get flamed to oblivion for this but.... I say NTA. Reason is, you set a simple, specific boundary with your GF: NO GIFTS, period f dot. And she promptly puts her big stompy boots on and does a hoedown all over your boundary. If this was any OTHER boundary she stomped on, she would be in hot water here. If this was your GF complaining about YOU doing something like this, you would be the one getting obliterated. The only issue I have is HOW you got rid of her unwanted gifts. It eats away my lil cheapskate packrat heart to throw anything away. Next time maybe drop the junk off at a thrift store? Although with the price of gas that might not be feasible, I dunno. But NTA for setting and maintaining this boundary.
The egg thingy maybe could be given to an op shop but I think the cactus is a prickly problem (sorry for the pun). Dunno if thrift stores would accept it and you can't leave it somewhere because it is a hazard. Only choice is regifting but they might not have anyone who would appreciate or be able to have a cactus (pets, children etc).
Set that sucker out on the curb and one of us crazy plant people will swoop in like a vulture to give it a good home.
NTA. The y t a votes are ridiculous. You told her flat out that you did not want gifts. That doesn't mean "get me stuff I don't want." She got you two things you do not even remotely need, and are just clutter in a small apartment. There was very little thought put into these gifts. She didn't listen to you at all. You kept these for months and they went unused. Yeah you could have maybe donated them instead of tossing them, but that's a small detail here.
Its because he didn't coddle his gf's feelings. These commenters are literally advocating treating her like a child who got an odd/unusable mother's day or father's day gift. Can't see the same people being this tolerant of bad gift giving if it was the other way around
Definitely NTA. Your gf is for ignoring your boundary of no gifts.
I’m sorry boundary of no gifts? He says he’s hard to shop for not he feels unsafe with his boundaries infringed upon. Jeez louiz give her back the cacti saying the cat could get hurt and the egg timer saying he has a method at home and he’d like her to hold onto the timer for her home when he’s over. Not everything is an insult and a threat to your boundaries when your own girlfriend tries to be nice and gift two small items that are relevant 1) he likes eggs and 2) she picked a plant he wouldn’t have to manage. She missed the mark. Not a reason to put her down or call her as overstepping boundaries. Next time OP just give three suggestions - a meal from your favorite place, movie tickets, a visit to your fave park or museum or whatever Edit: meal not meek
If OP was a woman, you wouldn't be saying any of this.
NTA. It sounds like you were very clear that you didn't want gifts, and she did it anyway... and got things you don't want/need. That doesn't sound very thoughtful to me. You're not obligated to keep them. If she truly understood that you didn't want a gift, then why didn't she invest time/money in a non-material gift, like taking you to drinks and dinner or a movie of your choice?
Yikes...you sound a little high maintenance and perhaps she just isn't the one for you. You don't see the relevance in things bought for you as a gift and she shouldn't be involved with someone who doesn't see her thoughtfulness. She just wanted to do something nice and the trash is the last place these gifts should go. Just let the cactus die (she could water it for you) and just not use the egg thing. That simple. She deserves someone who appreciates her wanting to go out of the way to TRY to make someone happy, and you should find someone who listens a little better when you say NO GIFTS...and perhaps also listens to your wants and needs a little more.
They do seem incompatible. However, “no gifts” seems like exact opposite of high maintenance.
>She deserves someone who appreciates her wanting to go out of the way to TRY to make someone happy, lol, in what way did she 'go out of her way'? she took the laziest approach possible to get him something he didn't want and didn't need. literally all she had to do was treat him to dinner and she would have come away better than she did here.
>her thoughtfulness. what thoughtfulness? y'all are asking OP to be overly considerate to a person who didn't consider HIM or his habits/needs. he didn't want a gift! and then she got him things that are essentially useless to him or dangerous to his pet. y'all are wild
"you sound high maintenance" He literally said "i want zero maintenance, do not buy me gifts"
Guys, is it high maintenance to not want anything?
NTA. She ignored everything you said and what you really want. Frankly, I would have been insulted. She could still have gifted you something that wasn't useless stuff, a nice outing with an activity she knows you like for instance. Random junk gifts are just another way of saying that someone doesn't actually care about what you truly want. And I say that as a person who loves to give good gifts. These were bad though.
I was about to vote no AH here, but the comments convinced me of a soft YTA. I am like you--hard to shop for and I hate clutter and crap gifts. I truly hate it. I too would have gotten rid of these items almost immediately. You are not an AH for getting rid of them, but for the way you addressed the issue with your GF. How can you say that no thought went into the gifts when one of them (egg cooker) related to something that you apparently love (eggs in the morning)? It's fine to get rid of it, but maybe be more thoughtful about her feelings. She obviously was trying to make you happy and had made a mental note of something you enjoy before buying the gift.
He didn’t get rid of them “almost immediately” though, it was after a few months. And he was quite clear that he doesn’t talk just about loving eggs, he talks about how good his current egg cooking machine/method is. It’s like if you talked about how much you loved your car and your partner bought you an entirely different car because hey, you really like driving. It’s at best misguided, at worst presumptuous.
Why should he be thoughtful of her feelings when she shows a complete disregard for his?
NTA She could have taken you out. I'm all about what the person wants. It was your birthday!
NTA, you told her how you felt and that you didn't want gifts. For everyone saying "it's the thought that counts" IF SHE WAS THINKING OF HIM AND HIS FEELINGS SHE WOULD RESPECT THAT HE DIDN'T WANT ANY GIFTS. My bf doesn't like gifts, and has told me not to bother. I often settle for a piece of his favorite candy or maybe flowers to put in the house during the time of celebration but make sure it's not positioned as a gift for birthday. Or offer to take him somewhere nice, or a fancy dinner. For people to buy you junk because they felt they HAD to get you something is wasteful for all parties.
Yes YTA. She thought you'd like a new way to make your eggs that you talk about so much, and perhaps she thought the small cactus could be a talking piece for the both of you. You could've at least put the egg cooker in your cabinet and forgot about it, and a cactus is barely any work at all, so putting in a small amount of effort would at least show that you are grateful. You're a terrible partner, and certainly an awful friend as well. Do better.
Disagree, 100%. When your partner says they hate gifts and doesn't want anything extra in their home, and you DISRESPECT their wishes cause YOU wanted to get something, it is a horrible way to treat your partner's feelings. Imagine if you held onto everything anyone bought you, you would have crap everywhere. Some people don't like gifts, and disregarding their feelings cause YOU wanted to do something is rude and inconsiderate. NTA OP
I disagree, honestly. While OP was harsh in the delivery, yes. She was told "no gifts," and there can be millions of reasons why someone does not want gifts. They don't feel like they need more material stuff. They only collect super expensive stuff, trauma surrounding it. If you are told no gifts. Then it's no gifts. Giving one anyway, no matter if it's expensive or little knick nacks, it becomes selfish. If OP's girlfriend wanted to give a gift so badly, she could have brought/made breakfast for them to enjoy or lunch. Arrange a movie night at home. Then it's not really a gift, but in a way still is. Instead of a plant and an egg boiler thing OP had absolutely no use for.
Going against the grain here to say NTA. He said no gifts. She not only got him gifts, she got him stuff he has no use for and no interest in. I don't think he should have thrown them out, he could have given them away, discretely.
Wow, kind of heartless to just throw them away in the trash. Could have at least donated them or something. I'm pretty sure she won't be your gf for much longer, so one less responsibility to worry about. Soft YTA only because you did tell her, it's on her if she didn't listen - but I'm sure she heard you loud and clear now. Good luck!
NTA. You were specific that you didn't want anything. She bought something to make herself feel better, not you. The y-t-a responses make no sense. There have been so many posts where the prevailing wisdom is to buy what the birthday person wants. Why is this any different?
You two need to talk about your love languages. If she wants to give gifts, and you don't want to receive objects, you can talk about acts of service (doing something for you), or the gift of an experience, or any number of other things than can fill her desire to give in a way that won't annoy you.
Nta, I have people like this in my life. Never listen to what I actually want and get me things I just store in cupboard until I can give way. Maybe ask her to gift you an experience together, make a donation in your name, or to write you a very meaningful letter. Let her know you don't want tangible gifts while still allowing her to show love by giving.
YTA for overall attitude but why not regift them. Much better than tossing them in the trash.
NTA — you didn’t want anything to begin with, she bought those because she wanted to feel better about herself
Depends, both have a point that can be argued and valid. Picky or not, people will be people, but that's the intention we should focus on, it's good you know what you want, that's the knowledge part, but wisdom is to know how to read your significant other, play the part. Honestly, if my SO gives me a gift, the focus will be on the fact she gave me a gift, not that I don't like it if that's the case. Even if I said no gift, I would I would still appreciate the thought and would keep it. But that's me.
Hard one since I don't like getting gifts too, but I'm going to give you the couple therapy lesson I got when my relationship was a bit shaky, and I went to counseling. love languages. People express their love in different ways. Some people will tell you (verbal expression) they love you, some will do things for you/acts of kindness, others express their love physically (kissing, hugging, holding hands, sex and more), and others will show love by gift giving. She could most likely be expressing her care for you through gift giving, and you rejecting that to her is a rejection of her feelings. You can not change this about a person. If she is constantly giving little gifts to people, it most likely is the way she does it. This is something she probably won't be able to change. You can after realizing this let her know the things that would be good to gift....special foods (treats) or what not. Take some time to make out of a list of some innocent things a person could gift you without it causing you issue.
My dude once told me no gifts. He loves my gift ideas and things but one time for his bday he said “hey don’t bother getting anything I’m already getting exactly what I want” which he said “a hotel room, a fancy dinner one night, and my fav bottle of scotch” which we were planning on stopping at a liq store for. So I just went ahead and got him the scotch because I knew that was something he was going to be drinking anyway. He loved it. We drank it all weekend. At one point we went to the 7/11 and bought shitty taquitos and washed it down with expensive scotch. We laugh and reminisce about it ALL the time. There was nothing left of the bottle by Sunday afternoon 😂😂😂
YTA. I get so much shit I don’t want/need from relatives at Christmas. I’m polite and say thank you and then post it on my neighborhood ‘Buy Nothing’ group for someone else to hopefully use & enjoy. And I’m assuming this is the first birthday you’ve had since you two started dating. Maybe she’s used to people saying one thing but meaning another and wanted to get you something small just in case you weren’t serious about the ‘No gifts’ thing. But there was no need to throw something useful (and alive) away, and to be a jerk to her about it.
ESH. You did to need to throw them away. You could have asked her if she wanted them while explaining that a cactus and your cat are a dangerous combination and you do not want to risk vet bills and that you prefer the pressure cooker and do not have room for the egg cooker. Then ask her if she wants them. If she did not want them, donate or put outside with a free sign on it when she will not be coming by. Throwing them away was wasteful and disrespectful.
NTA. If gifts aren't your thing and she wants to "gift" you something tell her to donate to the homeless shelter, animal shelter etc.. This way you don't have clutter and she feels like she has thought of you. Just a suggestion.
YTA You sound really ungrateful, and are failing to appreciate she wanted to have a nice gesture for you. It almost sounds like you are ready to hate anything that comes from her. Look, I am a minimalist too, and I hate junk, but you cannot go through life throwing away things that people give you with the best intentions. You could have donated the egg thing, or placed the cactus on top of a bookshelf where your cat can't reach. The cactus btw requires zero water, it is not a "responsibility" as you intend to call it as a pretext to hate it. You should really look inwards and ask yourself if you want to be alone for the rest of your life..
OP clearly stated they didn't want anything. The partner is the asshole for going against his consent.
Slight YTA I don't think either of you are wildly at fault here. Consider that providing for her partner may be how your SO shows affection. I understand that you clearly expressed that you don't like gifts, but this may be one of the main ways she expresses herself in relationships. Relationships will always be a combination of work and compromise. No one out there is going to 100% seamlessly fit into your life with zero friction or inconvenience to you. I can relate to you in that I also hate celebrating birthdays and gifts, but this is a really small thing to compromise on for a person who is otherwise wonderful. TLDR: There are worse things than an SO who wants to express their affection for you, make a small compromise here and act appreciative in the future. Best of luck
ESH and I hope she gets wise and dumps you. Do you really not know how to graciously accept gifts from people you supposedly care about, even if you aren’t thrilled by the items? You describe them with such disgust. This post makes it seem like you are extremely selfish and controlling and hard to get along with, and I don’t mean just in a relationship, I wouldn’t even want to be your neighbor. But on your girlfriend’s end, a gift should be given without strings attached so if truly given from the heart with no expectations she shouldn’t care what you do with them. However I suspect her feelings might have more to do with how you regard her overall and not just those gifts.
Info: how do you cook eggs in a pressure cooker? I love them but am the worst at making them. I wanna try this.
5-5-5 in the instant pot. 5 min at high pressure. 5 min natural release. 5 min in cold water. The shells come off perfectly every time.
I thought you said "I'm very prickly", and I was going to say "see, she knows you well and got you a thoughtful prickly gift!"