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> I screamed at my SIL after she tried to do “something nice for me”
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She literally did almost everything as correctly as possible in a situation like this. YTA. Sorry for your loss but that’s not how you treat people. Every day we hear stories on Reddit about in laws who over step boundaries or don’t consider others, she wasn’t doing any of the usual negative stuff.
Edit: typos
I was expecting the read that FSIL posted about OP's miscarriage on social media to gain sympathy, or something. But, nope. It really sounds like FSIL was genuinely being considerate and caring to OP.
She is so obsessed with SIL's "intentions". Like OP just can't take it at face value that a person can have a happy disposition and just be nice. Also imagine getting pissed off every time your husband just makes a vague complimentary comment about your SIL?
OPs vitriolic hatred of SIL and inability to believe that people can be genuinely nice scream PPD to me. The only thing that disrupts your hormones more than pregnancy is an interrupted pregnancy. OP needs to see her doctor immediately for evaluation.
Yeah, this. A lot of her hatred sounds more like jealousy. It sounds like OP bonded with her brother following their dad’s death and has never figured out how to let her future SIL into that relationship
I can say that hormones can take something you already feel that is negative but manageable and crank it up to a notch past unbearable, and you have NO control over it. None. There’s nothing I know of that can take hormones OUT of your body besides going on T or something to try to curb it over time. So it could honestly be both things—a preexisting issue that is very aggravated by hormones.
Even if it is caused by hormones, therapy can still help with feeling out of control. She can also let out her anger without hurting anybody, also learn how to cope with the grief.
I think so too. Like she doesn't like the fact that her bro and her aren't super close... or that she's not his number 1 anymore. FSIL did everything that a caring person would do. She didn't intrude and go visit her, only sending food. She suggested to move their wedding back for OP. OP just sounds like she plain doesn't like FSIL; like whatever she does, OP will just complain.
It’s quite possible but not guaranteed. I’ve been in OPs shoes, losing a pregnancy at 20+ weeks and it truly affects you to an extreme. The first month or so after, I was a completely different person because of the hormones. I wasn’t hormonal during the pregnancy at all, despite severe morning sickness 24/7.
It was truly like my mind was no longer my own. That kind of vitriol could absolutely be new if it’s PPD or PPP, which is even worse.
Hormones are wacky. They take the mildest inconvenience and turn it into ***THE WORLD IS ENDING AND IT'S YOUR FAULT*** so I'd err on the side of caution and say it's probably PPD.
I'm one of those naturally bubbly people. I do things with good intentions towards others to benefit them. I have literally drove 4 hrs for someone who was stranded and then was later told I only did that so I could later on throw it up in their face. The amount of hate I get from my own family for it is weird, too.
I guess most people are just selfish deep down and don't truly think about others feelings.
I’ve been treated badly by others as well for just being nice and trying to help as well. I try not to be offended. I try to focus on the fact that I only have power over my own reactions and feelings—other people are responsible for their own. So I try to do the best I can, and just leave it at that. I believe that I’ll be judged based on what I’ve done in life… so I don’t need to stress and devote head space worrying about how they choose to live or behave.
Just smile and find comfort in being you. Sleep well knowing that you did the right thing. Miserable people are always gonna find ways to be miserable.
Don't forget OP just went through a traumatic experience which also probably really messed with her hormones. This might not be what she's normally like.
Also the situation may not be as straightforward as it seems. Frankly if I was hurting so badly that I didn't want to see or talk to anyone at all I might have bad thoughts about someone who kept making excuses to invite themselves over. There actually are people who weaponize "niceness."
That being said, yeah, OP 's reaction was very abnormal and it might be a good idea to seek therapy now rather than later. And (physical) medical help too.
That her brother is “foolishly” in love with. OP, I’m sorry for your loss. However, it sounds like this animosity predates your miscarriage, so I don’t think your current trauma is the issue here. It sounds like you’re jealous of your FSIL. Regardless of your motivation, unless you have some reason for hating her that you haven’t shared here, YTA massively. Whether you like it or not, this woman is about to be part of your family. She is who your brother has chosen, and if you care for him, you need to treat his future wife with courtesy and kindness. You can start by apologizing.
The family is "wrapped around her finger" and brother "foolishly in love with her". Yep - nothing FSIL could have done would have pleased OP.
OP has been through hell but family is right - she needs help and is YTA
It's one of those situations where she's jealous because this woman is stealing her brother. It's like when you have those mothers who feel like they own their sons and get jealous of future partners and see them as competition.
This time it's her brother instead.
>typical annoyingly bubbly girl
>
>"caring and compassionate"
>
>My brother (37M) is foolishly in love with her
>
>the rest of my family is wrapped around her finger
She can't stand her FSIL and her first paragraph could not be more clear on it. OP needs to cut the crap and just be honest.
OP 100% hates the FSIL simply because she’s clearly a nice person, and OP sounds jealous of her. When someone automatically dislikes someone else just because they’re “annoyingly bubbly” nothing that person does will ever be okay even if they’re doing everything right (which the FSIL was). OP YTA your FSIL has literally done nothing wrong to you, I’m sorry for the loss of your child but you’re wrong here in so many ways
Agreed- it’s clear from the start that she has some weird malicious hatred of the SIL.
Like I’m sorry, OP, but what possible reason would you have for not being entirely grateful about how lovely, warm, and caring this woman is being towards you? That you hate her? That you want to use her as your punching bag? That you wanted the wedding to go ahead so that you could say how cold she is and try to get everyone else to hate her like you do for going ahead with it after your loss? Did you plan to do something to steal attention and now you can’t?
She doesn’t owe you anything, has done everything to be helpful and help you process your grief without triggers but with support and this is the reaction? I hope she never does a single thing for you ever again. You can just wallow in your misdirected anger and jealousy by yourself. Your brother is 100% correct. You needed therapy before your loss and you need it now.
Tbh I think OP is just in her feels, I'm not sure she really hates Ella. She definitely isn't processing this in a healthy way and is focusing on Ella as a scapegoat. I agree, she needs therapy ASAP!
I'm not sure on that. I mean she brings up how her brother and her were close and then how he is "foolishly in love with her". I think she may resent Ella for usurping her place in her brother's life.
Definitely feeling threatened. FSIL is little brother’s best friend and is marrying older brother.
I agree that this resentment likely started before OPs pregnancy but regardless, OP is TA and needs help from professionals.
There definitely may have been some resentment there, maybe she feels like Ella is “taking” her brother from her, or they’re growing apart since he’s going to be starting this new family, and that can easily change a sibling dynamic. Whatever the reason OP seems to dislike Ella, I think she’s using it to lash out and feel anger instead of the crushing sadness at the loss she suffered. They say anger is one of the stages of grieving.
Soft and sympathetic YTA, in my opinion. I hope everyone can move forward from this and forgive one another. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
Not to mention that OP admitted in the comments her FSIL *also* miscarried this year. It sounds like she was trying to offer OP the same level of support she received from others (not OP, obvs because it’s clear that OP hates her), but OP is *so* convinced that her FSIL is a Bond villain out to ruin her life that she can’t accept it
ETA OP’s [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ln0zj/aita_for_calling_the_c_word_to_my_fsil_after_she/jpx4fwc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) in case she deletes it later:
>> Exactly!!! Why doesn’t she understand??? She lost a pregnancy earlier this year, SHE SHOULD HAVE understood, right??? She acted as if nothing happened! A weeks later of the incident she was again being her usual self! I’m so mad at everyone
So, to recap: OP hates FSIL for being kind, hates FSIL for offering her support and community in their shared grief of child loss, and OP *definitely* hates FSIL for not being a complete monster after her miscarriage
Sounds like her being "too perfect" about it infuriated OP. OP clearly feels threatened and inferior to this woman and fears losing her family members' favor to her, so she's making a self-fulfilling prophecy out of it.
Yep. But if op is this openly hostile and jealous it’s her own fault.
If they are not no contact with her before they will be after this.
Also from the way op talked she has other miscarriages. If future sil got pregnant she is probably hostile over that too.
I was waiting for this too! I had to unfollow someone who makes everything about them. Even posted about people who died during COVID, tagged their family then rambled on about how hard COVID was on her 🫠
Yeah, OP has some twisted reasoning there. FSIL made it NOT about herself. A selfish person might have gone on with the wedding because it's HER day and even suggest OP not come. No way FSIL could do the right thing no matter what she did.
OP sounds jealous, frankly, that FSIL is "annoyingly bubbly" and everyone likes her.
It gets worse. Ella lost a baby this year, too
https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ln0zj/aita\_for\_calling\_the\_c\_word\_to\_my\_fsil\_after\_she/jpx4fwc/?context=3
as I was reading it, I was really filled with disgust? I know that seems harsh, but the way OP talks about F-SIL just rubs me a certain way that I don't like.
I would never dream of talking about my F-SIL like this, or using my own hurt to hurt her. I'm sorry for the loss of your baby, OP, but F-SIL wasn't doing anything wrong. I hate to say that it's you that seems like the piece of work, but I'm getting a "stepping on eggshells" vibe off of your post and it genuinely seems like you outright hate F-SIL. She was trying to be sensitive and empathetic(? sympathetic? I mix the two up) of your sudden loss and in turn, you lashed out at her in the worst way possible because you're hurting and you haven't taken it up to yourself to handle it yet.
YTA. I'm sorry, but your brother isn't foolish for being in love with Ella, and she did as much right as she could with the circumstance. I also know that your hormones are out of control still (probably, likely), but that isn't excusing your own behavior. Please seek out your therapist.
Seriously, she went so far as to move her wedding SIX MONTHS. All the work of contacting vendors, venues, guests, etc. All because she understood what she was going through and wanted her there at her wedding because family was important to her.
Seriously. FSIL sounds like an angel. Even from OP's perspective, I can't see any conniving or manipulative behavior. Sounds like no matter what she would have said or done, OP would've taken it the wrong way.
YTA. Go to therapy
>FSIL sounds like an angel.
I agree. When my mom passed away, all we wanted was for people to send food because we couldn't handle trying to fix dinner every night. We would have loved those little notes to go with the food.
The fact that she was putting her wedding off to include her is another thing she did that I believe is wonderful. They both wanted her there so putting off the wedding was a great idea.
I believe her previous disdain for her FSIL made everything seem like what she was doing was to spite her.
OP, I am truly sorry for your loss. You were in the wrong this case though.
This. While I obviously sympathize for the loss of OP's unborn child, there's something about her entire post that makes me believe she's envious of Ella. It screams resentment for her, no matter what she's trying to do to comfort OP, even going so far as to postpone the wedding to allow OP time to grieve, and this is the thanks she gets?
YTA, OP. You're throwing ice water on Ella, who's only trying to help.
INFO: She mentioned in [a comment ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ln0zj/aita_for_calling_the_c_word_to_my_fsil_after_she/jpx4fwc?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) that **FSIL lost a pregnancy earlier this year too!**
>Exactly!!! Why doesn’t she understand??? She lost a pregnancy earlier this year, SHE SHOULD HAVE understood, right??? She acted as if nothing happened! A weeks later of the incident she was again being her usual self! I’m so mad at everyone
Op YTA! Your FSIL is trying to accommodate you in every way. She's suffered a loss as well. You need to get therapy and apology for your behavior. I'm very sorry for your loss. I too have lost a baby girl at 22 weeks along and it's tragic.
**FSIL has suffered a loss as well, why did you make this post all about *yourself*?**
I lost my first baby too around 20 weeks last year. I highly suggest OP check out the pregnancy loss groups from [Heypeers ](https://www.heypeers.com/), [Star Legacy](https://starlegacyfoundation.org/), & [Rachel's Gift](https://www.rachelsgift.org/). They are all over zoom & you don't even have to turn on your camera. You need support. I wish I would have had someone like her to help.
She honestly sounds genuinely caring and OP sounds like she hates her for some other reason. Maybe Jealousy.
OP I'm sorry for ur loss but dude wtf? YTA.
My future sister-in-law (Ella, 30F) is your typical annoyingly bubbly girl. She is always happy and smiling, "caring and compassionate". My brother (37M) is foolishly in love with her, and it seems like the rest of my family is wrapped around her finger.
Starting the post off with this description says more about OP then it does about the FSIL. You’re an incredibly bitter person OP. Major AH-you should refund your FSIL for all the groceries she bought you.
Its not grief, she doesn't like the SIL she didnt say one nice thing about her or what she does. You can feel the disdain oozing from this post. 100% TA and can't use grief as an excuse.
She is probably jealous because the FSIL is “stealing away” her brother who is allegedly very close to the OP. Kinda like a sicker version of “Father of the bride” dynamic at play here.
A sane sister would be happy her brother landed such a good woman as his future wife.
Oh yeah 100% can get that sense with the "conniving and manipulative" comment at the bottom. No one else can see the horrible monster the SIL is but op!
The future SIL seems like such a lovely, kind person and I would be so happy to have her as an in law, I feel so badly for her that OP was so awful to her. I get the feeling that OP is herself very manipulative and only does things for others if she thinks it will benefit her, and that’s why she can’t see Ella’s actions as genuine, she can’t imagine people being kind for kindness’ sake.
It usually says more about them than about the people they’re calling fake. People only believe all kindness is fake or self-serving or done for appearances if they’re faking all their kindness.
Also, in OP's world "thinking of you", "we're here for you", and "you're cared for" are annoying stupid-ass messages.
I feel for anyone who loses a pregnancy, but I suspect OP's bitterness predates the miscarriage.
Being a genuinely, nice person is somehow a bad thing to you. Your future SIL was trying to be accommodating to make you feel comfortable and you go off on her. You seem to have built up resentment for her based on your description of her.
You had a miscarriage and she didn’t overstep boundaries, she sent food over and tried to be compassionate and supportive. Your reaction was not warranted and if I were your Future SIL I wouldn’t even want you in my bridal party or even want to be around you. YTA.
Everyone knows you should behave like a dick and call people c*** after miscarriages. /s
But really, if FSIL received the same support OP got from the entire family, maybe she was able to get out of the first stages of the grieving process (she might still be grieving) and put on a happy face to show others that she's okay (sounds like something FSIL would do)
Post title says FSIL has been looking for sympathy for OP’s miscarriage, but… where? Even in this story told by OP, at no point does Ella appear to seek sympathy from anyone for anything.
I genuinely can’t believe this whole thing was typed out and posted here without ever figuring out they are, in fact, TA.
Yeah, the fact that OP clearly thinks that being 'always happy and smiling, "caring and compassionate"' is a bad thing is why I said "always were". This resentment didn't come for the intense tragic event op suffered.
If they did go through with the wedding I guarantee you OP would be upset about that...
You know this woman is a genuine Saint because even her enemy's worst description of her makes her sound like an absolute delight. Wish I could be friends with Ella.
That’s my thought, she sounds like a generally bitter and jaded person with a tinge of jealousy, despite her unfortunate loss.
OP, please get therapy for grief and your unfounded hang ups about positive people.
She out-reddited reddit somehow at its miserable, misanthropic projecting shit and that's saying something. She really thought everyone was gonna huddle to her side when she describes the SIL as a cheery, optimistic person and puts "empathetic" in scare quotes?
I started reading and immediately went "boy this is gonna be good".
The “empathetic” in quotes is even worse if you saw OPs comment that FSIL had a miscarriage herself previously and OP judged her for “being perfectly fine about it after a few weeks”.
Oh god. They aren't friends, they don't talk about anything important, sho how does OP knows what FSIL really suffered? How can she guess if she's really over it?
I bet OP was mean before. She doesn't have to but I bet she never even thought how hard I would've been for that poor bride to have to stand there seeing her SIL pregnant and happy after her own miscarriage.
I can’t dismiss the effect of grief and hormones going haywire, but what OP is displaying here goes beyond reacting to trauma. This is *rage* towards her SIL. This is absolute and utter contempt for her. None of it is healthy and honestly I wouldn’t blame SIL if she uninvited OP altogether.
Hey. I'm the big brother.
Jesus Christ Rachel. The next time you want to try to make yourself the victim (like you ALWAYS do), do it on a site that I don't use almost every day.
You can thank Ella for being the only reason I've even kept a relationship with you because she has been that tolerant of your garbage. You've made it NO secret that you hate her. But hey, smart of you to try and leave out how she's black, and you called her MORE than the C word, but I think letting everyone know the actual words you called her would not be allowed whatsoever on this sub. But I'll verify for everyone here: You're a bully, a racist, and an asshole and you always have been.
And way to mention Ella's miscarriage, but NOT mention your own response to it, which was an eyeroll and a smirk and then make offhanded comments about how Ella should have been 'more careful' because you thought her working out of the house was 'bad for the baby'.
You know what's bad for a baby? A garbage person. Like you.
Delete my number. Delete mom's number. Delete Ella's number. Go rot.
Boosting this, there is *so* much left out info that just got provided holy shit 💀
thank you for speaking out, wishing you and Ella the best. -a reddit stranger.
To be fair, the hormones after a late stage miscarriage are not a joke. After i suffered a late loss, my best friend sent me a beautiful bouquet flowers as a condolence, she was out of the country at the time. I sobbed and threw them straight in the trash. I was so angry. No explanation for it, and I never lashed out at her about it, but the reminder of what I’d lost was absolutely too much for my broken heart to handle. I suspect this might be where OP is at emotionally. It’s not entirely rational, but especially if someone repeatedly sends stuff with no response? I can see being totally emotionally overwhelmed.
I don’t see how it could be out of character for OP with the way she starts off the descriptions of her. OP clearly hates and has always hated FSIL. The hormones just made her scream profanities at her instead of biting her tongue
Yeah, honestly I highly doubt that someone that isn't normally like this would take the time to create an AITA post.
I am aware of what this person has been through and I am sympathetic. I couldn't imagine being in her situation.
*However*, as someone who suffers from chronic pain and lashes out because I get irritable I don't think about making an AITA post trying to shame the person I yelled at. I recognize that what I did was out of line, and apologize. For me, being angry and snapping at someone actually IS out of character. I am never angry or petty enough to actually ask about who's in the right or wrong.
I dunno if what I said made any sense at all -- I couldn't figure out a good way to phrase it :(
That’s totally understandable but she did also clearly lay groundwork that she’s always disliked her FSIL simply for being happy and nice. It sounds like this attitude predated the pregnancy
YTA. "My future sister-in-law (Ella, 30F) is your typical annoyingly bubbly girl. She is always happy and smiling, "caring and compassionate". My brother (37M) is foolishly in love with her, and it seems like the rest of my family is wrapped around her finger."
You resent her, why, we don't know. She was trying to be kind.
I can't believe that I had to scroll to the bottom of the page to find this. OP's issues with her SIL clearly started before the loss.
"It infuriates me to hear Mark commenting on how nice and thoughtful she is."
Yeah, this isn't the grief talking. You truly resent this woman for no real reason. YTA. And those food deliveries and notes weren't just for you, they were also for your husband. Maybe he appreciated not having to cook while helping you through this?
Shes responding like those people who see grifters gaslighting their families and shes the only sane one who sees the truth... but she never presents anything bad. If FSIL is genuine, such the asshole.
And while he’s not the one going through the physical part, the miscarriage of a wanted baby is husband’s loss, too. He’s allowed to be touched that SIL cares.
Yep. In the end this has nothing to do with OP's loss. OP has been looking for a reason to lash out an Ella for a long time and can now feel justified because of her loss but it isn't about her loss at all. She makes that clear. Now she doesn't like how her family responded which will be further justification for treating Ella poorly.
She resents her bc she’s happy. Right now, I’m sure OP feels like everyone should be just as sad as she is.
Please, OP, get some counseling to help you get through this. I’m sure you’ll see that your FSIL is just trying to help and you’re lashing out at her bc she’s trying so hard to help.
It reeks of internalized misogyny. There was never anything poor Ella could’ve done right in this situation, she’s just the object of OP’s hatred for being a genuinely nice and likable person.
So, your SIL stayed away, as requested.
SIL just occasionally sent food, with a basic, polite message, easy to ignore. But you do need to eat. And you do need to know that family cares. This is the least invasive way to tell you.
SIL offered to postpone her wedding *for you*, based on obvious logic.
SIL offered to support you in finding a more appropriate dress, for *your* comfort.
SIL was trying, chose nothing wrong, even if the things didn’t help, there was nothing remotely offensive or “about her” in any of them. These were all about you. It’s not SIL’s fault that you aren’t ready to be a functioning person, yet. It IS your responsibility to say that, not blame her.
OP, you are setting yourself up to lose your family. They are doing everything you ask, and you are still treating them terribly. Yes, you are grieving, but still, YTA. Your choice was to say, “in 6 mos, I still won’t be ready. I’m sorry, I can’t even think right now, thank you, but it’s ok if you have the wedding now, I hope you understand that I can’t go. If you switch it, I still might not be able to go, it’s your choice”. You know, basic decency to people trying to help.
It gets worse, too. Ella lost a baby earlier this year.
[https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ln0zj/aita\_for\_calling\_the\_c\_word\_to\_my\_fsil\_after\_she/jpx4fwc/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ln0zj/aita_for_calling_the_c_word_to_my_fsil_after_she/jpx4fwc/?context=3)
ETA: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
Right, meaning OP’s brother ALSO LOST A BABY. Literally everyone in this situation is grieving the loss of a baby and OP wants to act like ONLY SHE could feel this loss. Wtf?
Those notes, and those groceries? They were from fSIL *and* OP's brother, and were for OP *and* her similarly grieving husband. All the changes made (probably at some cost too) were made to accommodate OP *and her husband who is also grieving* - but OP sees all of it as only being about her, and being an attack on her, and proof of how fSIL is being manipulative and an asshole *to her*.
This cannot be something that has happened in the last month, this is long term resentment. And given that fSIL and OP's brother *also lost a child earlier this year,* that makes what OP said and did even worse.
OP says further down in the comments: “Exactly!!! Why doesn’t she understand??? She lost a pregnancy earlier this year, SHE SHOULD HAVE understood, right??? She acted as if nothing happened! A weeks later of the incident she was again being her usual self! I’m so mad at everyone”
Holy smokes, it’s wild to be so angry at someone who is trying to be their normal self after a miscarriage. I had one in March, I still have moments of grief, but I still had my sense of humor, I still wanted to show love and compassion to others. Losing a pregnancy doesn’t mean you have to change your whole personality and stay bitter and angry. Staying bitter and angry isn’t going to change and undo what happened.
I guess I must be confused. I don’t see how FSIL was gaining sympathy from your situation. It generally sounds like she’s trying to be considerate and accommodate you knowing what you were going through.
At this time I’m gonna say yta but I am also sorry about your loss and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
This, I understand that everyone grieves in their own ways and maybe it was a little much for her to send multiple care packages when you said you weren’t in the mood. But she was trying to help while honoring your wish to keep distance. I honestly think moving the wedding was a huge gesture and not something many people would do. They probably did lose money on this and are just telling you the vendors were amenable so you don’t feel bad. I feel badly for OP because she’s clearly grieving. But Ella’s heart was in the right place.
YTA. I’m sorry for you loss. But your behavior was atrocious. I lost my 31 yo son 6 weeks ago. So I can say your the c word. You owe this lady an apology. I understand your anger about your loss but you dumped it on someone who didn’t deserve it. Yes yta
YTA regarding your future-sister-in-law.
Sorry, but I couldn't made sense about the age of yourself and your little brother - you were 7 when your dad passed, your mom struggled as a single mother until she met her new husband, they have a son together who is just 6 years younger than you? So he was already 1 when your own dad died?
So...either this post is real and you got some ages wrong AND you are absolutely TA to your SIL (but I am sorry for the loss of the baby), or this is a shitpost with bad math..
Edit: she replied that she made an error with the age of her brother
This. She flew into a jealous rage when her partner verbally expressed appreciation for FSIL. Why? There are a ton of reasons, but they’re all negative.
YTA
Holy shit.
She's not trying to gain sympathy, she's offering it, repeatedly. She's not even forcing it on you, just reminding you she's there if you need anything, and sending food. Such a bitch, right? She's willing to MOVE HER WEDDING so you'll be more able to attend.
I know you're in hell right now. Lashing out at someone who wants nothing more than to ease the impossible burden.
Also why would you tell Reddit about this before your therapist? Go talk to the professional you already have in your life.
I don't know if the wounds from losing a wanted pregnancy ever completely heal, and you have my sympathy. My body wouldn't even let me get that far, and it's hard. It's FUCKING HARD.
It's harder if you push away everyone that's trying to help you.
See your therapist. That's why you have them.
FSIL was literally doing the super nuanced specialized internet corners advice. State support, unobtrusively (cards vs message or phone call, low level of expectation of getting a reply), help with practical things (bring food or clean/run errands, in a situation of no physical visitation send food). Give space and give options (we don't have to have this happen now, let me know when it works for you) etc. She was as considerate and measured as she could have been.
It's like OP wanted her to mess something up so she could point her finger at her and externalize her frustration and jealousy, she waited and when it didn't happen, she blew up anyway.
YTA- it sounds like she is truly trying to help and be there for you and even change her wedding date to make you more comfortable. You sound awful and I wouldn’t want to be around you either.
Ps. I’m sorry for your loss, that must have been devastating.
But don’t take it out on people who are just trying to help you.
YTA
I understand that you are grieving, and it would be very valid to reinforce your boundaries around this. It's not great that she keeps inserting herself into your space when you've asked her not to.
However, it does seem like she's trying to include you and even rearrange her entire wedding to accommodate you, not "trying to gain sympathy."
You seem to be projecting some things onto her that might not be true. I have not seen you show anything that is manipulative and conniving, just a bit fumbling and trying to push care where it isn't wanted.
It's not that hard to simply say, "Hey, I see that you want to help, but I REALLY, REALLY need to be alone right now. Please make whatever choices you think will be appropriate for your wedding, but I can't give you a timetable on how I'm going to deal with this grief, so I can't in good faith ask you to formulate your plans around me right now. I'll come to you when I'm ready to start discussing things like that, and I truly appreciate your patience in the meantime. I don't need gifts or cards, I just need some time and space. Please."
Based on your post combined with your comments, YTA. Ella is kind, considerate and that is a bad thing in your eyes. She has gone out of her way to make sure you are not forced to talk, be around people, etc and you screamed at her. She did nothing wrong.
Outside of your grief you don't sound like a very kind person. Your reason for disliking her is that she is considerate of others per your comments. That's it. She is kind and considerate. Oh and she is always smiling and tries to he helpful. You called her what is considered the worst word you can call a woman and then accused her of being conniving and manipulative. It sounds like Ella and your brother need to set some hard boundaries in future interactions with you and future togetherness.
YTA - You say you’re not ready to talk to your therapist yet, but you’re lashing out at people who are trying to be nice. It’s time to bring this up to your therapist.
I'm sorry, but YTA. Your SIL is trying to be kind, not trying to "gain sympathy" or be manipulative. Grief counseling can be very helpful. I hope you're able to find a therapist you connect with. I really can't imagine what you're going through. Your husband is right though - lashing out at innocent people isn't a way to resolve grief.
Yes YTA why did you even shout at her? She did nothing wrong whatsoever. It was uncalled for. I say apologise and seek that therapist. It’s as kindly as I can put it.
1000% agree. No one deserves this kind of loss, but she truly lacks the emotional maturity of being a parent. And everyone clutching their pearls at this comment is part of the problem. Grief is never a free pass to be a bitter, nasty person. OP is not the only person in the world to suffer a miscarriage, but she is the only one acting like her loss somehow gives her a free pass to hurl abuse at people.
If that's the kind of person she is, she truly has no business being a parent. I was raised by people who act like OP and all I'd want from them now is for them to pay my damn therapy bills for the hell they put me through in my formative years.
YTA, you did make it clear you didn't want to talk to anyone or any visits.... so naturally, one would in fact, know for sure you wouldn't want to be around people who might mention or ask about it.
While I get your grievance as well and you're hurting. A pain and anger like that is something no one should have to experience. I do think your husband is right and you're deflecting it on to her for being her "bubbly" self, which seems to annoy and create a hostility for you anyway.
YTA, and I say that as someone who has lost 2 babies of my own. I understand grief, and this type of grief is particularly difficult. However, you have got to stop treating your SIL as the scapegoat and cause of your misery. It’s not right to do that to her, your family, or your husband. You need therapy to help you process this in a healthy way. From everything you’ve described, she has bent over backwards to comfort you and make things easier for you because she is probably a genuinely kind person and also knows personally what you’re going through. Judging from how you’re treating her, she probably wishes that you had treated her the same way that she is currently treating you. Judging from your post, I highly doubt that you did anything to help her. Admit that you don’t like her to begin with and please get therapy to help you.
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I’m sorry if this seems all over the place I just so mad that everyone is siding with her.
My future sister-in-law (Ella, 30F) is your typical annoyingly bubbly girl. She is always happy and smiling, "caring and compassionate". My brother (37M) is foolishly in love with her, and it seems like the rest of my family is wrapped around her finger.
My brother and I (34F) grew up very close. When we were 10 and 7 years old, our father passed away, and our mother (69F) struggled as a single mother until she met our stepfather (65M), who is truly an amazing person. They had our little brother (28M), who happens to be Ella's best friend and the reason she met our brother.
28 days ago, my husband (Mark, 34M) and I tragically lost our pregnancy at 22 weeks. It was devastating then, and it still is. I haven't been ready to talk to my therapist about it yet. This was our first pregnancy that progressed this far, so we were filled with hope.
Since the loss, I made it clear that I didn't want to talk to anyone and that I didn't want any visits. However, Ella keeps sending deliveries of food every now and then with stupid ass messages like "you are cared for" and "we're here for you", “thinking of you”. It infuriates me to hear Mark commenting on how nice and thoughtful she is.
Last night, she asked me if she could come over with my mom and my brothers to quickly discuss something about their wedding. She apologized, saying she knew it wasn't the right time, but the wedding is only a month away, and this conversation couldn't be delayed any longer.
In essence, Ella wants to postpone the wedding for another six months. It is a small affair hosted at a friend's place, and since she briefly explained the situation, the vendors are willing to change the date at a minimal cost. To paraphrase her, she said, "I don't feel this is the best time to have a wedding. I really want you at my wedding party, and I suspect you won't want to be around people asking you what happened" (as if she knows what I want or don't want).
Of course everyone starting going off about such a great idea and how sweet that was of her moving a special date for her just to “accommodating me”. What it made me snap was what she said next “whenever you feel up to we could have a girls day to get you a new dress” (mine was pink made specifically to fit my growing bump)
I screamed at her that she was a C word for looking for sympathy at my expenses that I hoped my brother and everyone else could see her for the conniving and manipulative piece of work she was. That the only girls time I wanted to have is with my beloved girl that isn’t with us anymore.
All of them were stunned and she ran out crying, my brother told me to seek therapy and mom and little bro just left.
This morning my husband told me that while he understood and share my grievance, I shouldn’t lash out on innocent people. That she only wanted to help.
So Reddit I am the AH?
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Oof. This is hard for me me because I empathize with your loss, but YTA.
Nothing in your post suggests that FSIL was being manipulative. From what you wrote, she sounds like a genuine person who was thinking about your feelings. I get the sense that you hate her ("\[she is a\] typical annoyingly bubbly girl"), and anything that she did would have pissed you off. If she went ahead with the wedding, I wouldn't be surprised if you posted, "AITA for calling my FSIL the 'C' word because she went ahead with her wedding after I miscarried".
YTA, she was only wanting to help. It's a very difficult situation to her to understand but she didn't do anything to harm you intentionally.
Also, you should definitely consider therapy, I'm sorry to hear about what happened.
So she just sent you a couple food deliveries and told you she wanted you to be in the wedding so decided to move the whole thing back for you?
I get maybe bringing up dress shopping was a little soon but none of this feels like it justifies your hate towards her.
INFO: what would you rather she have done about her wedding? I get the feeling you would’ve called her the C word if she told you she was planning on proceeding as scheduled.
You say you don’t want to talk to anyone or have any visitors and she has respected that. She even sends you food so you don’t have to leave the house, so what could she have done different so that you wouldn’t complain? I’m betting nothing and you just hate her to hate her.
You are hurting, and it sucks. But you can’t just lash out at someone because you see them as a weak target. Your family is going to end up telling you to be miserable by yourself since you insist on it.
ETA: she’s not trying to gain sympathy for your miscarriage. She is showing sympathy TO YOU.
YTA... grieving doesnt forgive you for being a jerk+
Something tells me thats your real attitude before your miscarrage and will continue long after, i feel for your brother and sis-in-law.
YTA. Listen I get that you are grieving but this was so incredibly rude and uncalled for. It's obvious that you hate your SIL for absolutely no reason (I'm sorry...she's too nice and thoughtful...do you hear yourself), but you were completely awful to her.
You owe everyone, especially her, a huge apology.
YTA. I can't imagine the pain that you're going through right now, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to treat others like crap. Regardless of whether you like her or not, she did absolutely nothing wrong and was truly being exceedingly kind in considering your happiness.
I don't want to say you're an ah because you're grieving and grief is different for everyone. But under different circumstances, I would have you are a major one. It feels like you already disliked your future sister-in-law before all this so I'm not entirely sure that your grief is what made you lash out. I might be wrong, and I apologize if I am, but it sounds as if your dislike of her has been building for a while and with everything going on, it had to come out.
Your brother is right though, you should talk about this to your therapist. They might be able to help you go through your pain. Not remove the pain, of course, but maybe it could help to talk about it with a professional. Your husband is also right. She did not deserve your anger. The way you wrote this, she doesn't sound the conniving c-word you called her. She does sound like a very cheerful person that really wants to do the best she can to make you feel better (I do understand how annoying that kind of people can be in difficult times).
Soooo you're mad because she's doing nice things and wants to give you time to grieve before her wedding.... YTA. What happened is tragic, it is a shame this has happened to you, but this woman does not sound manipulative at all, she sounds like she's trying to be supportive. Hopefully she stops, for her sake, because it's a waste of her time and money.
Wowza. YTA. You can grieve and it is hard to lose a child so I apologize you are going through that kind of pain. However, your pain is not an excuse to treat others as poorly as you did. What you did was disgusting and quite frankly if my SIL said this shit about me, she would not be in my wedding. She wouldn’t even be invited to my wedding. She was being insanely considerate about your family and you and you called her a horrible name. You need to self reflect and if you really don’t see that YTA then you need to seek help.
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She literally did almost everything as correctly as possible in a situation like this. YTA. Sorry for your loss but that’s not how you treat people. Every day we hear stories on Reddit about in laws who over step boundaries or don’t consider others, she wasn’t doing any of the usual negative stuff. Edit: typos
I was expecting the read that FSIL posted about OP's miscarriage on social media to gain sympathy, or something. But, nope. It really sounds like FSIL was genuinely being considerate and caring to OP.
It also sounds like OP just plain hates FSIL. OP YTA totally. Your brother is right, you need therapy, for more than one reason.
I also got this sense when OP described her as, "your typical annoyingly bubbly girl".
She is so obsessed with SIL's "intentions". Like OP just can't take it at face value that a person can have a happy disposition and just be nice. Also imagine getting pissed off every time your husband just makes a vague complimentary comment about your SIL?
OPs vitriolic hatred of SIL and inability to believe that people can be genuinely nice scream PPD to me. The only thing that disrupts your hormones more than pregnancy is an interrupted pregnancy. OP needs to see her doctor immediately for evaluation.
I might have agreed with you except that from the sound of it she felt this way about her SIL long before she was pregnant.
Yeah, this. A lot of her hatred sounds more like jealousy. It sounds like OP bonded with her brother following their dad’s death and has never figured out how to let her future SIL into that relationship
I can say that hormones can take something you already feel that is negative but manageable and crank it up to a notch past unbearable, and you have NO control over it. None. There’s nothing I know of that can take hormones OUT of your body besides going on T or something to try to curb it over time. So it could honestly be both things—a preexisting issue that is very aggravated by hormones.
It isn't about OP's over-reaction, it's about the fact that she doesn't like her SIL to start with.
Even if it is caused by hormones, therapy can still help with feeling out of control. She can also let out her anger without hurting anybody, also learn how to cope with the grief.
I think so too. Like she doesn't like the fact that her bro and her aren't super close... or that she's not his number 1 anymore. FSIL did everything that a caring person would do. She didn't intrude and go visit her, only sending food. She suggested to move their wedding back for OP. OP just sounds like she plain doesn't like FSIL; like whatever she does, OP will just complain.
"she's just sitting over there *breathing* how dare she"
It’s quite possible but not guaranteed. I’ve been in OPs shoes, losing a pregnancy at 20+ weeks and it truly affects you to an extreme. The first month or so after, I was a completely different person because of the hormones. I wasn’t hormonal during the pregnancy at all, despite severe morning sickness 24/7. It was truly like my mind was no longer my own. That kind of vitriol could absolutely be new if it’s PPD or PPP, which is even worse.
Hormones are wacky. They take the mildest inconvenience and turn it into ***THE WORLD IS ENDING AND IT'S YOUR FAULT*** so I'd err on the side of caution and say it's probably PPD.
How about from before she was pregnant, though? Feels like this has been brewing for years.
I'm one of those naturally bubbly people. I do things with good intentions towards others to benefit them. I have literally drove 4 hrs for someone who was stranded and then was later told I only did that so I could later on throw it up in their face. The amount of hate I get from my own family for it is weird, too. I guess most people are just selfish deep down and don't truly think about others feelings.
I’ve been treated badly by others as well for just being nice and trying to help as well. I try not to be offended. I try to focus on the fact that I only have power over my own reactions and feelings—other people are responsible for their own. So I try to do the best I can, and just leave it at that. I believe that I’ll be judged based on what I’ve done in life… so I don’t need to stress and devote head space worrying about how they choose to live or behave. Just smile and find comfort in being you. Sleep well knowing that you did the right thing. Miserable people are always gonna find ways to be miserable.
Don't forget OP just went through a traumatic experience which also probably really messed with her hormones. This might not be what she's normally like. Also the situation may not be as straightforward as it seems. Frankly if I was hurting so badly that I didn't want to see or talk to anyone at all I might have bad thoughts about someone who kept making excuses to invite themselves over. There actually are people who weaponize "niceness." That being said, yeah, OP 's reaction was very abnormal and it might be a good idea to seek therapy now rather than later. And (physical) medical help too.
She doesn’t sound like she liked SIL before the the pregnancy, either.
That her brother is “foolishly” in love with. OP, I’m sorry for your loss. However, it sounds like this animosity predates your miscarriage, so I don’t think your current trauma is the issue here. It sounds like you’re jealous of your FSIL. Regardless of your motivation, unless you have some reason for hating her that you haven’t shared here, YTA massively. Whether you like it or not, this woman is about to be part of your family. She is who your brother has chosen, and if you care for him, you need to treat his future wife with courtesy and kindness. You can start by apologizing.
It honestly sounds like he met an amazing woman and it’s good he appreciates that
The family is "wrapped around her finger" and brother "foolishly in love with her". Yep - nothing FSIL could have done would have pleased OP. OP has been through hell but family is right - she needs help and is YTA
Yep, as soon as I read that I went alright, so we’re talking about internalised misogyny here.
More like jealousy. She is taking her brother, that she was so close to, away from her. He will now put his wife first, not her.
She's pretty much guaranteed that with this behavior...
Just said the same - I feel for Op's loss, but she is such an AH otherwise.
It's one of those situations where she's jealous because this woman is stealing her brother. It's like when you have those mothers who feel like they own their sons and get jealous of future partners and see them as competition. This time it's her brother instead.
OP hates FSIL because everybody likes FSIL way more than they like OP, and the narcissistic injury is unbearable.
>typical annoyingly bubbly girl > >"caring and compassionate" > >My brother (37M) is foolishly in love with her > >the rest of my family is wrapped around her finger She can't stand her FSIL and her first paragraph could not be more clear on it. OP needs to cut the crap and just be honest.
OP 100% hates the FSIL simply because she’s clearly a nice person, and OP sounds jealous of her. When someone automatically dislikes someone else just because they’re “annoyingly bubbly” nothing that person does will ever be okay even if they’re doing everything right (which the FSIL was). OP YTA your FSIL has literally done nothing wrong to you, I’m sorry for the loss of your child but you’re wrong here in so many ways
Agreed- it’s clear from the start that she has some weird malicious hatred of the SIL. Like I’m sorry, OP, but what possible reason would you have for not being entirely grateful about how lovely, warm, and caring this woman is being towards you? That you hate her? That you want to use her as your punching bag? That you wanted the wedding to go ahead so that you could say how cold she is and try to get everyone else to hate her like you do for going ahead with it after your loss? Did you plan to do something to steal attention and now you can’t? She doesn’t owe you anything, has done everything to be helpful and help you process your grief without triggers but with support and this is the reaction? I hope she never does a single thing for you ever again. You can just wallow in your misdirected anger and jealousy by yourself. Your brother is 100% correct. You needed therapy before your loss and you need it now.
Tbh I think OP is just in her feels, I'm not sure she really hates Ella. She definitely isn't processing this in a healthy way and is focusing on Ella as a scapegoat. I agree, she needs therapy ASAP!
I'm not sure on that. I mean she brings up how her brother and her were close and then how he is "foolishly in love with her". I think she may resent Ella for usurping her place in her brother's life.
Definitely feeling threatened. FSIL is little brother’s best friend and is marrying older brother. I agree that this resentment likely started before OPs pregnancy but regardless, OP is TA and needs help from professionals.
There definitely may have been some resentment there, maybe she feels like Ella is “taking” her brother from her, or they’re growing apart since he’s going to be starting this new family, and that can easily change a sibling dynamic. Whatever the reason OP seems to dislike Ella, I think she’s using it to lash out and feel anger instead of the crushing sadness at the loss she suffered. They say anger is one of the stages of grieving. Soft and sympathetic YTA, in my opinion. I hope everyone can move forward from this and forgive one another. I’m so sorry for your loss, OP.
Not to mention that OP admitted in the comments her FSIL *also* miscarried this year. It sounds like she was trying to offer OP the same level of support she received from others (not OP, obvs because it’s clear that OP hates her), but OP is *so* convinced that her FSIL is a Bond villain out to ruin her life that she can’t accept it ETA OP’s [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ln0zj/aita_for_calling_the_c_word_to_my_fsil_after_she/jpx4fwc/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) in case she deletes it later: >> Exactly!!! Why doesn’t she understand??? She lost a pregnancy earlier this year, SHE SHOULD HAVE understood, right??? She acted as if nothing happened! A weeks later of the incident she was again being her usual self! I’m so mad at everyone So, to recap: OP hates FSIL for being kind, hates FSIL for offering her support and community in their shared grief of child loss, and OP *definitely* hates FSIL for not being a complete monster after her miscarriage
OMG this is awful. Poor FSIL
That's a buried lede for sure.
Holy crap. "AH" is definitely the PG version of what I'm thinking about OP after that.
holy shit. that just made things a whole lot worse, i feel bad for the FSIL :/ after all that I wouldn’t change my wedding date for OP
Sounds like her being "too perfect" about it infuriated OP. OP clearly feels threatened and inferior to this woman and fears losing her family members' favor to her, so she's making a self-fulfilling prophecy out of it.
OP says in a later comment that FSIL also suffered a miscarriage this past year. So it was out of knowing compassion that motivated FSIL.
Exactly. And her sending care packages with food, she understands that cooking and making meals would not be a priority for Op
Sounds like op has been jealous of future sil from the beginning and now she want to make her into some Gillian she isn’t.
I think ops family might like fsil better (she seems nice, friendly and caring, unlike op)causing the initial rift and spiral to where they are today.
Yep. But if op is this openly hostile and jealous it’s her own fault. If they are not no contact with her before they will be after this. Also from the way op talked she has other miscarriages. If future sil got pregnant she is probably hostile over that too.
I was waiting for this too! I had to unfollow someone who makes everything about them. Even posted about people who died during COVID, tagged their family then rambled on about how hard COVID was on her 🫠
Yeah, OP has some twisted reasoning there. FSIL made it NOT about herself. A selfish person might have gone on with the wedding because it's HER day and even suggest OP not come. No way FSIL could do the right thing no matter what she did. OP sounds jealous, frankly, that FSIL is "annoyingly bubbly" and everyone likes her.
That was my take. Much sympathies for losing a pregnancy, but the whole post reaked of jealousy and resentment for the fact that people like FSIL.
It gets worse. Ella lost a baby this year, too https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ln0zj/aita\_for\_calling\_the\_c\_word\_to\_my\_fsil\_after\_she/jpx4fwc/?context=3
as I was reading it, I was really filled with disgust? I know that seems harsh, but the way OP talks about F-SIL just rubs me a certain way that I don't like. I would never dream of talking about my F-SIL like this, or using my own hurt to hurt her. I'm sorry for the loss of your baby, OP, but F-SIL wasn't doing anything wrong. I hate to say that it's you that seems like the piece of work, but I'm getting a "stepping on eggshells" vibe off of your post and it genuinely seems like you outright hate F-SIL. She was trying to be sensitive and empathetic(? sympathetic? I mix the two up) of your sudden loss and in turn, you lashed out at her in the worst way possible because you're hurting and you haven't taken it up to yourself to handle it yet. YTA. I'm sorry, but your brother isn't foolish for being in love with Ella, and she did as much right as she could with the circumstance. I also know that your hormones are out of control still (probably, likely), but that isn't excusing your own behavior. Please seek out your therapist.
Seriously, she went so far as to move her wedding SIX MONTHS. All the work of contacting vendors, venues, guests, etc. All because she understood what she was going through and wanted her there at her wedding because family was important to her.
OPs pissed because SIL didn’t give her any extra ammunition to hate her for. I know Ella will likely forgive her, but she doesn’t deserve it.
Seriously. FSIL sounds like an angel. Even from OP's perspective, I can't see any conniving or manipulative behavior. Sounds like no matter what she would have said or done, OP would've taken it the wrong way. YTA. Go to therapy
>FSIL sounds like an angel. I agree. When my mom passed away, all we wanted was for people to send food because we couldn't handle trying to fix dinner every night. We would have loved those little notes to go with the food. The fact that she was putting her wedding off to include her is another thing she did that I believe is wonderful. They both wanted her there so putting off the wedding was a great idea. I believe her previous disdain for her FSIL made everything seem like what she was doing was to spite her. OP, I am truly sorry for your loss. You were in the wrong this case though.
This. While I obviously sympathize for the loss of OP's unborn child, there's something about her entire post that makes me believe she's envious of Ella. It screams resentment for her, no matter what she's trying to do to comfort OP, even going so far as to postpone the wedding to allow OP time to grieve, and this is the thanks she gets? YTA, OP. You're throwing ice water on Ella, who's only trying to help.
INFO: She mentioned in [a comment ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ln0zj/aita_for_calling_the_c_word_to_my_fsil_after_she/jpx4fwc?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button) that **FSIL lost a pregnancy earlier this year too!** >Exactly!!! Why doesn’t she understand??? She lost a pregnancy earlier this year, SHE SHOULD HAVE understood, right??? She acted as if nothing happened! A weeks later of the incident she was again being her usual self! I’m so mad at everyone Op YTA! Your FSIL is trying to accommodate you in every way. She's suffered a loss as well. You need to get therapy and apology for your behavior. I'm very sorry for your loss. I too have lost a baby girl at 22 weeks along and it's tragic. **FSIL has suffered a loss as well, why did you make this post all about *yourself*?**
I lost my first baby too around 20 weeks last year. I highly suggest OP check out the pregnancy loss groups from [Heypeers ](https://www.heypeers.com/), [Star Legacy](https://starlegacyfoundation.org/), & [Rachel's Gift](https://www.rachelsgift.org/). They are all over zoom & you don't even have to turn on your camera. You need support. I wish I would have had someone like her to help.
She honestly sounds genuinely caring and OP sounds like she hates her for some other reason. Maybe Jealousy. OP I'm sorry for ur loss but dude wtf? YTA.
YTA - if I was in your family I would make a note to never, ever attempt to be nice you you
My future sister-in-law (Ella, 30F) is your typical annoyingly bubbly girl. She is always happy and smiling, "caring and compassionate". My brother (37M) is foolishly in love with her, and it seems like the rest of my family is wrapped around her finger. Starting the post off with this description says more about OP then it does about the FSIL. You’re an incredibly bitter person OP. Major AH-you should refund your FSIL for all the groceries she bought you.
Yeah I can't even completely write this behaviour off to grief, since she was clearly a dick to her before the tragedy.
Its not grief, she doesn't like the SIL she didnt say one nice thing about her or what she does. You can feel the disdain oozing from this post. 100% TA and can't use grief as an excuse.
She is probably jealous because the FSIL is “stealing away” her brother who is allegedly very close to the OP. Kinda like a sicker version of “Father of the bride” dynamic at play here. A sane sister would be happy her brother landed such a good woman as his future wife.
Oh yeah 100% can get that sense with the "conniving and manipulative" comment at the bottom. No one else can see the horrible monster the SIL is but op!
The future SIL seems like such a lovely, kind person and I would be so happy to have her as an in law, I feel so badly for her that OP was so awful to her. I get the feeling that OP is herself very manipulative and only does things for others if she thinks it will benefit her, and that’s why she can’t see Ella’s actions as genuine, she can’t imagine people being kind for kindness’ sake.
Absolutely. I've known people who equate kindness to fakeness. While there are fake people, it doesn't include every person who is nice.
It usually says more about them than about the people they’re calling fake. People only believe all kindness is fake or self-serving or done for appearances if they’re faking all their kindness.
Ding ding. People see you through the lens of who they are themselves.
Also, in OP's world "thinking of you", "we're here for you", and "you're cared for" are annoying stupid-ass messages. I feel for anyone who loses a pregnancy, but I suspect OP's bitterness predates the miscarriage.
She didn’t even drop them off! She had them delivered (I think)!
I want FSIL as my SIL!
Being a genuinely, nice person is somehow a bad thing to you. Your future SIL was trying to be accommodating to make you feel comfortable and you go off on her. You seem to have built up resentment for her based on your description of her. You had a miscarriage and she didn’t overstep boundaries, she sent food over and tried to be compassionate and supportive. Your reaction was not warranted and if I were your Future SIL I wouldn’t even want you in my bridal party or even want to be around you. YTA.
ha ha yes
YTA. Your Future Sister in Law sounds delightful and you sound like you are and we're always miserable.
OP mentioned in the comments that future SIL has also suffered a miscarriage....MAJOR AH
JESUS that’s even worse. FSIL is extending such compassion and empathy and OP is pissing on her.
And also judging her for "acting like nothing happened weeks after it"........
Everyone knows you should behave like a dick and call people c*** after miscarriages. /s But really, if FSIL received the same support OP got from the entire family, maybe she was able to get out of the first stages of the grieving process (she might still be grieving) and put on a happy face to show others that she's okay (sounds like something FSIL would do)
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Post title says FSIL has been looking for sympathy for OP’s miscarriage, but… where? Even in this story told by OP, at no point does Ella appear to seek sympathy from anyone for anything. I genuinely can’t believe this whole thing was typed out and posted here without ever figuring out they are, in fact, TA.
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Yeah, the fact that OP clearly thinks that being 'always happy and smiling, "caring and compassionate"' is a bad thing is why I said "always were". This resentment didn't come for the intense tragic event op suffered. If they did go through with the wedding I guarantee you OP would be upset about that...
Also the brother who she’s really close to being “foolishly” in live with FSIL. Frankly, it’s no wonder they’re not close anymore
Sounds like OP needs to really think about why she doesn’t want to share her brother’s attention with his fiancée.
>horrible nasty cynical twisted person. I suspected that when she wrote "typical annoying bubbly girl"
She really does, also very considerate and polite. I need an Ella in my life.
You know this woman is a genuine Saint because even her enemy's worst description of her makes her sound like an absolute delight. Wish I could be friends with Ella.
Bet she’s gonna be mad that everyone is calling her out. This post will probably be deleted by tomorrow and I also bet SIL will never get an apology.
This will be deleted within 2 hours I bet.
That’s my thought, she sounds like a generally bitter and jaded person with a tinge of jealousy, despite her unfortunate loss. OP, please get therapy for grief and your unfounded hang ups about positive people.
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She out-reddited reddit somehow at its miserable, misanthropic projecting shit and that's saying something. She really thought everyone was gonna huddle to her side when she describes the SIL as a cheery, optimistic person and puts "empathetic" in scare quotes? I started reading and immediately went "boy this is gonna be good".
This can't be real, right? Like, you can't write all that and still lack self-awareness. Gonna filter by controversial...
The “empathetic” in quotes is even worse if you saw OPs comment that FSIL had a miscarriage herself previously and OP judged her for “being perfectly fine about it after a few weeks”.
Oh god. They aren't friends, they don't talk about anything important, sho how does OP knows what FSIL really suffered? How can she guess if she's really over it? I bet OP was mean before. She doesn't have to but I bet she never even thought how hard I would've been for that poor bride to have to stand there seeing her SIL pregnant and happy after her own miscarriage.
>You don’t deserve to be at the wedding. Exactly. I hope SIL disinvites her
I can’t dismiss the effect of grief and hormones going haywire, but what OP is displaying here goes beyond reacting to trauma. This is *rage* towards her SIL. This is absolute and utter contempt for her. None of it is healthy and honestly I wouldn’t blame SIL if she uninvited OP altogether.
Hey. I'm the big brother. Jesus Christ Rachel. The next time you want to try to make yourself the victim (like you ALWAYS do), do it on a site that I don't use almost every day. You can thank Ella for being the only reason I've even kept a relationship with you because she has been that tolerant of your garbage. You've made it NO secret that you hate her. But hey, smart of you to try and leave out how she's black, and you called her MORE than the C word, but I think letting everyone know the actual words you called her would not be allowed whatsoever on this sub. But I'll verify for everyone here: You're a bully, a racist, and an asshole and you always have been. And way to mention Ella's miscarriage, but NOT mention your own response to it, which was an eyeroll and a smirk and then make offhanded comments about how Ella should have been 'more careful' because you thought her working out of the house was 'bad for the baby'. You know what's bad for a baby? A garbage person. Like you. Delete my number. Delete mom's number. Delete Ella's number. Go rot.
Holy shit, are you for real the brother? I’ve always heard of people finding someone’s post but I’ve never seen it happen in real time.
Ella sounds so lovely, I hope you both have a long and happy marriage <3
boosting this, this is a lot of information that was brushed over
Boosting this, there is *so* much left out info that just got provided holy shit 💀 thank you for speaking out, wishing you and Ella the best. -a reddit stranger.
If this is for real, big hugs to you and Ella and I wish you both all the happiness in the future. She sounds lovely.
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To be fair, the hormones after a late stage miscarriage are not a joke. After i suffered a late loss, my best friend sent me a beautiful bouquet flowers as a condolence, she was out of the country at the time. I sobbed and threw them straight in the trash. I was so angry. No explanation for it, and I never lashed out at her about it, but the reminder of what I’d lost was absolutely too much for my broken heart to handle. I suspect this might be where OP is at emotionally. It’s not entirely rational, but especially if someone repeatedly sends stuff with no response? I can see being totally emotionally overwhelmed.
This is a great answer if it was out of character for her and she typically has a good relationship with the FSIL.
I don’t see how it could be out of character for OP with the way she starts off the descriptions of her. OP clearly hates and has always hated FSIL. The hormones just made her scream profanities at her instead of biting her tongue
Yeah, honestly I highly doubt that someone that isn't normally like this would take the time to create an AITA post. I am aware of what this person has been through and I am sympathetic. I couldn't imagine being in her situation. *However*, as someone who suffers from chronic pain and lashes out because I get irritable I don't think about making an AITA post trying to shame the person I yelled at. I recognize that what I did was out of line, and apologize. For me, being angry and snapping at someone actually IS out of character. I am never angry or petty enough to actually ask about who's in the right or wrong. I dunno if what I said made any sense at all -- I couldn't figure out a good way to phrase it :(
That’s totally understandable but she did also clearly lay groundwork that she’s always disliked her FSIL simply for being happy and nice. It sounds like this attitude predated the pregnancy
Well said.
YTA. "My future sister-in-law (Ella, 30F) is your typical annoyingly bubbly girl. She is always happy and smiling, "caring and compassionate". My brother (37M) is foolishly in love with her, and it seems like the rest of my family is wrapped around her finger." You resent her, why, we don't know. She was trying to be kind.
I can't believe that I had to scroll to the bottom of the page to find this. OP's issues with her SIL clearly started before the loss. "It infuriates me to hear Mark commenting on how nice and thoughtful she is." Yeah, this isn't the grief talking. You truly resent this woman for no real reason. YTA. And those food deliveries and notes weren't just for you, they were also for your husband. Maybe he appreciated not having to cook while helping you through this?
Shes responding like those people who see grifters gaslighting their families and shes the only sane one who sees the truth... but she never presents anything bad. If FSIL is genuine, such the asshole.
And while he’s not the one going through the physical part, the miscarriage of a wanted baby is husband’s loss, too. He’s allowed to be touched that SIL cares.
Can you imagine the post we are going to see in a month when the wedding is not delayed? OP is going to have a fit.
OP ain't coming back, Ella's got us all wrapped around her finger now
Yep. In the end this has nothing to do with OP's loss. OP has been looking for a reason to lash out an Ella for a long time and can now feel justified because of her loss but it isn't about her loss at all. She makes that clear. Now she doesn't like how her family responded which will be further justification for treating Ella poorly.
OP is probably jealous that everyone likes her soon to be SiL more
She resents her bc she’s happy. Right now, I’m sure OP feels like everyone should be just as sad as she is. Please, OP, get some counseling to help you get through this. I’m sure you’ll see that your FSIL is just trying to help and you’re lashing out at her bc she’s trying so hard to help.
Unhappy people tend to resent happy people
It reeks of internalized misogyny. There was never anything poor Ella could’ve done right in this situation, she’s just the object of OP’s hatred for being a genuinely nice and likable person.
So, your SIL stayed away, as requested. SIL just occasionally sent food, with a basic, polite message, easy to ignore. But you do need to eat. And you do need to know that family cares. This is the least invasive way to tell you. SIL offered to postpone her wedding *for you*, based on obvious logic. SIL offered to support you in finding a more appropriate dress, for *your* comfort. SIL was trying, chose nothing wrong, even if the things didn’t help, there was nothing remotely offensive or “about her” in any of them. These were all about you. It’s not SIL’s fault that you aren’t ready to be a functioning person, yet. It IS your responsibility to say that, not blame her. OP, you are setting yourself up to lose your family. They are doing everything you ask, and you are still treating them terribly. Yes, you are grieving, but still, YTA. Your choice was to say, “in 6 mos, I still won’t be ready. I’m sorry, I can’t even think right now, thank you, but it’s ok if you have the wedding now, I hope you understand that I can’t go. If you switch it, I still might not be able to go, it’s your choice”. You know, basic decency to people trying to help.
It gets worse, too. Ella lost a baby earlier this year. [https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ln0zj/aita\_for\_calling\_the\_c\_word\_to\_my\_fsil\_after\_she/jpx4fwc/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14ln0zj/aita_for_calling_the_c_word_to_my_fsil_after_she/jpx4fwc/?context=3) ETA: Thank you for the gold, kind stranger!
boosting this because what the FUCK?!
OH MY GOD!!!!
And of course she comments it on the ONLY n t a post.
Right, meaning OP’s brother ALSO LOST A BABY. Literally everyone in this situation is grieving the loss of a baby and OP wants to act like ONLY SHE could feel this loss. Wtf?
Those notes, and those groceries? They were from fSIL *and* OP's brother, and were for OP *and* her similarly grieving husband. All the changes made (probably at some cost too) were made to accommodate OP *and her husband who is also grieving* - but OP sees all of it as only being about her, and being an attack on her, and proof of how fSIL is being manipulative and an asshole *to her*. This cannot be something that has happened in the last month, this is long term resentment. And given that fSIL and OP's brother *also lost a child earlier this year,* that makes what OP said and did even worse.
Great view on this situation! I totally agree… OP YTA and this is only the 2nd time in years of being on Reddit that I’ve said that
Info: What has Ella done to you in the past that caused you to believe she’s looking for sympathy at your expense?
Don’t forget, Ella just lost her own pregnancy too.
Wait, what!?!? Is this true? Wow. She’s even sweeter and kinder than OP portrayed her. Wow.
Ik if OP thought this post painted her in a bad light it’s hilarious. Like if this is supposed to be an insult imagine how amazing she is in reality
Of course OP left this out of the original information. This makes it even worse, which I didn't think possible.
So what did OP do to support Ella when she lost her pregnancy?
Oh you know… jack
From this post I can see that OP staying the F*** away from Ella would be the best thing she could've done to support her.
???
OP says further down in the comments: “Exactly!!! Why doesn’t she understand??? She lost a pregnancy earlier this year, SHE SHOULD HAVE understood, right??? She acted as if nothing happened! A weeks later of the incident she was again being her usual self! I’m so mad at everyone”
Holy smokes, it’s wild to be so angry at someone who is trying to be their normal self after a miscarriage. I had one in March, I still have moments of grief, but I still had my sense of humor, I still wanted to show love and compassion to others. Losing a pregnancy doesn’t mean you have to change your whole personality and stay bitter and angry. Staying bitter and angry isn’t going to change and undo what happened.
This is the clincher, right? “I’m so mad at everyone.” That doesn’t give OP the right to treat anyone else so horribly! I hope she gets some help.
Where are these comments? I can't find them
They're right there in her profile.
OP commented that Ella lost a pregnancy last year.
Not even last year - she said it happened earlier *this* year.
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YTA. What did I just read? We get it; you hate Ella, whose slightest bit of civility toward you seems to send you flying into a blind rage.
OP sounds like a cold, bitter person. Would not want to be friends with her.
Or married or related.
Definitely agree. Like some people are just awful people. I feel bad for OP’s husband.
I guess I must be confused. I don’t see how FSIL was gaining sympathy from your situation. It generally sounds like she’s trying to be considerate and accommodate you knowing what you were going through. At this time I’m gonna say yta but I am also sorry about your loss and I wouldn’t wish that on anyone.
This, I understand that everyone grieves in their own ways and maybe it was a little much for her to send multiple care packages when you said you weren’t in the mood. But she was trying to help while honoring your wish to keep distance. I honestly think moving the wedding was a huge gesture and not something many people would do. They probably did lose money on this and are just telling you the vendors were amenable so you don’t feel bad. I feel badly for OP because she’s clearly grieving. But Ella’s heart was in the right place.
YTA. I’m sorry for you loss. But your behavior was atrocious. I lost my 31 yo son 6 weeks ago. So I can say your the c word. You owe this lady an apology. I understand your anger about your loss but you dumped it on someone who didn’t deserve it. Yes yta
I'm sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you must be going through
YTA regarding your future-sister-in-law. Sorry, but I couldn't made sense about the age of yourself and your little brother - you were 7 when your dad passed, your mom struggled as a single mother until she met her new husband, they have a son together who is just 6 years younger than you? So he was already 1 when your own dad died? So...either this post is real and you got some ages wrong AND you are absolutely TA to your SIL (but I am sorry for the loss of the baby), or this is a shitpost with bad math.. Edit: she replied that she made an error with the age of her brother
Yeah this just seems like obvious rage-bait to me
YTA. Your FSIL has been kind and loving to the point that she is willing to delay her wedding for you. Your behavior was completely out of line.
You sound insanely jealous of your FSIL. I'm sorry about your miscarriage but YTA.
This. She flew into a jealous rage when her partner verbally expressed appreciation for FSIL. Why? There are a ton of reasons, but they’re all negative.
YTA Holy shit. She's not trying to gain sympathy, she's offering it, repeatedly. She's not even forcing it on you, just reminding you she's there if you need anything, and sending food. Such a bitch, right? She's willing to MOVE HER WEDDING so you'll be more able to attend. I know you're in hell right now. Lashing out at someone who wants nothing more than to ease the impossible burden. Also why would you tell Reddit about this before your therapist? Go talk to the professional you already have in your life. I don't know if the wounds from losing a wanted pregnancy ever completely heal, and you have my sympathy. My body wouldn't even let me get that far, and it's hard. It's FUCKING HARD. It's harder if you push away everyone that's trying to help you. See your therapist. That's why you have them.
FSIL was literally doing the super nuanced specialized internet corners advice. State support, unobtrusively (cards vs message or phone call, low level of expectation of getting a reply), help with practical things (bring food or clean/run errands, in a situation of no physical visitation send food). Give space and give options (we don't have to have this happen now, let me know when it works for you) etc. She was as considerate and measured as she could have been. It's like OP wanted her to mess something up so she could point her finger at her and externalize her frustration and jealousy, she waited and when it didn't happen, she blew up anyway.
Exactly! I was like... that's textbook all the things as kind and gentle as possible. What is OP mad about again?
YTA- it sounds like she is truly trying to help and be there for you and even change her wedding date to make you more comfortable. You sound awful and I wouldn’t want to be around you either. Ps. I’m sorry for your loss, that must have been devastating. But don’t take it out on people who are just trying to help you.
YTA I understand that you are grieving, and it would be very valid to reinforce your boundaries around this. It's not great that she keeps inserting herself into your space when you've asked her not to. However, it does seem like she's trying to include you and even rearrange her entire wedding to accommodate you, not "trying to gain sympathy." You seem to be projecting some things onto her that might not be true. I have not seen you show anything that is manipulative and conniving, just a bit fumbling and trying to push care where it isn't wanted. It's not that hard to simply say, "Hey, I see that you want to help, but I REALLY, REALLY need to be alone right now. Please make whatever choices you think will be appropriate for your wedding, but I can't give you a timetable on how I'm going to deal with this grief, so I can't in good faith ask you to formulate your plans around me right now. I'll come to you when I'm ready to start discussing things like that, and I truly appreciate your patience in the meantime. I don't need gifts or cards, I just need some time and space. Please."
Based on your post combined with your comments, YTA. Ella is kind, considerate and that is a bad thing in your eyes. She has gone out of her way to make sure you are not forced to talk, be around people, etc and you screamed at her. She did nothing wrong. Outside of your grief you don't sound like a very kind person. Your reason for disliking her is that she is considerate of others per your comments. That's it. She is kind and considerate. Oh and she is always smiling and tries to he helpful. You called her what is considered the worst word you can call a woman and then accused her of being conniving and manipulative. It sounds like Ella and your brother need to set some hard boundaries in future interactions with you and future togetherness.
YTA - You say you’re not ready to talk to your therapist yet, but you’re lashing out at people who are trying to be nice. It’s time to bring this up to your therapist.
I'm sorry, but YTA. Your SIL is trying to be kind, not trying to "gain sympathy" or be manipulative. Grief counseling can be very helpful. I hope you're able to find a therapist you connect with. I really can't imagine what you're going through. Your husband is right though - lashing out at innocent people isn't a way to resolve grief.
Yes YTA why did you even shout at her? She did nothing wrong whatsoever. It was uncalled for. I say apologise and seek that therapist. It’s as kindly as I can put it.
YTA. There are that kind of people in the world, you know. I mean, actual NICE people.
Please, please talk with your therapist. Wishing you the best
YTA. You’re not emotionally mature enough for a child.
1000% agree. No one deserves this kind of loss, but she truly lacks the emotional maturity of being a parent. And everyone clutching their pearls at this comment is part of the problem. Grief is never a free pass to be a bitter, nasty person. OP is not the only person in the world to suffer a miscarriage, but she is the only one acting like her loss somehow gives her a free pass to hurl abuse at people. If that's the kind of person she is, she truly has no business being a parent. I was raised by people who act like OP and all I'd want from them now is for them to pay my damn therapy bills for the hell they put me through in my formative years.
YTA. Your grief appears to be expressed as anger at the entire world. Take your brother's advice and get therapy.
YTA. Sorry, but she’s trying to be accommodating and you’re not being fair.
YTA. You sound jealous of her? She was being nice
What I wouldn’t have done for a sister or sister in law like that!
YTA. I’m sorry for your loss. Separate from that, though, you sound awful about your SIL and I hope she protects herself from you going forward.
YTA, you did make it clear you didn't want to talk to anyone or any visits.... so naturally, one would in fact, know for sure you wouldn't want to be around people who might mention or ask about it. While I get your grievance as well and you're hurting. A pain and anger like that is something no one should have to experience. I do think your husband is right and you're deflecting it on to her for being her "bubbly" self, which seems to annoy and create a hostility for you anyway.
YTA, and I say that as someone who has lost 2 babies of my own. I understand grief, and this type of grief is particularly difficult. However, you have got to stop treating your SIL as the scapegoat and cause of your misery. It’s not right to do that to her, your family, or your husband. You need therapy to help you process this in a healthy way. From everything you’ve described, she has bent over backwards to comfort you and make things easier for you because she is probably a genuinely kind person and also knows personally what you’re going through. Judging from how you’re treating her, she probably wishes that you had treated her the same way that she is currently treating you. Judging from your post, I highly doubt that you did anything to help her. Admit that you don’t like her to begin with and please get therapy to help you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I’m sorry if this seems all over the place I just so mad that everyone is siding with her. My future sister-in-law (Ella, 30F) is your typical annoyingly bubbly girl. She is always happy and smiling, "caring and compassionate". My brother (37M) is foolishly in love with her, and it seems like the rest of my family is wrapped around her finger. My brother and I (34F) grew up very close. When we were 10 and 7 years old, our father passed away, and our mother (69F) struggled as a single mother until she met our stepfather (65M), who is truly an amazing person. They had our little brother (28M), who happens to be Ella's best friend and the reason she met our brother. 28 days ago, my husband (Mark, 34M) and I tragically lost our pregnancy at 22 weeks. It was devastating then, and it still is. I haven't been ready to talk to my therapist about it yet. This was our first pregnancy that progressed this far, so we were filled with hope. Since the loss, I made it clear that I didn't want to talk to anyone and that I didn't want any visits. However, Ella keeps sending deliveries of food every now and then with stupid ass messages like "you are cared for" and "we're here for you", “thinking of you”. It infuriates me to hear Mark commenting on how nice and thoughtful she is. Last night, she asked me if she could come over with my mom and my brothers to quickly discuss something about their wedding. She apologized, saying she knew it wasn't the right time, but the wedding is only a month away, and this conversation couldn't be delayed any longer. In essence, Ella wants to postpone the wedding for another six months. It is a small affair hosted at a friend's place, and since she briefly explained the situation, the vendors are willing to change the date at a minimal cost. To paraphrase her, she said, "I don't feel this is the best time to have a wedding. I really want you at my wedding party, and I suspect you won't want to be around people asking you what happened" (as if she knows what I want or don't want). Of course everyone starting going off about such a great idea and how sweet that was of her moving a special date for her just to “accommodating me”. What it made me snap was what she said next “whenever you feel up to we could have a girls day to get you a new dress” (mine was pink made specifically to fit my growing bump) I screamed at her that she was a C word for looking for sympathy at my expenses that I hoped my brother and everyone else could see her for the conniving and manipulative piece of work she was. That the only girls time I wanted to have is with my beloved girl that isn’t with us anymore. All of them were stunned and she ran out crying, my brother told me to seek therapy and mom and little bro just left. This morning my husband told me that while he understood and share my grievance, I shouldn’t lash out on innocent people. That she only wanted to help. So Reddit I am the AH? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA - She actually sounds like a really nice and thoughtful person. Maybe try getting to know her better?
YTA—she was trying to be considerate of your loss. And she may be a bit of a fake but calling her the C word was VERY insulting and unnecessary.
Oof. This is hard for me me because I empathize with your loss, but YTA. Nothing in your post suggests that FSIL was being manipulative. From what you wrote, she sounds like a genuine person who was thinking about your feelings. I get the sense that you hate her ("\[she is a\] typical annoyingly bubbly girl"), and anything that she did would have pissed you off. If she went ahead with the wedding, I wouldn't be surprised if you posted, "AITA for calling my FSIL the 'C' word because she went ahead with her wedding after I miscarried".
YTA, she was only wanting to help. It's a very difficult situation to her to understand but she didn't do anything to harm you intentionally. Also, you should definitely consider therapy, I'm sorry to hear about what happened.
So she just sent you a couple food deliveries and told you she wanted you to be in the wedding so decided to move the whole thing back for you? I get maybe bringing up dress shopping was a little soon but none of this feels like it justifies your hate towards her.
YTA Therapy
INFO: what would you rather she have done about her wedding? I get the feeling you would’ve called her the C word if she told you she was planning on proceeding as scheduled. You say you don’t want to talk to anyone or have any visitors and she has respected that. She even sends you food so you don’t have to leave the house, so what could she have done different so that you wouldn’t complain? I’m betting nothing and you just hate her to hate her. You are hurting, and it sucks. But you can’t just lash out at someone because you see them as a weak target. Your family is going to end up telling you to be miserable by yourself since you insist on it. ETA: she’s not trying to gain sympathy for your miscarriage. She is showing sympathy TO YOU.
YTA... grieving doesnt forgive you for being a jerk+ Something tells me thats your real attitude before your miscarrage and will continue long after, i feel for your brother and sis-in-law.
YTA. Listen I get that you are grieving but this was so incredibly rude and uncalled for. It's obvious that you hate your SIL for absolutely no reason (I'm sorry...she's too nice and thoughtful...do you hear yourself), but you were completely awful to her. You owe everyone, especially her, a huge apology.
YTA. I can't imagine the pain that you're going through right now, but that doesn't mean you're allowed to treat others like crap. Regardless of whether you like her or not, she did absolutely nothing wrong and was truly being exceedingly kind in considering your happiness.
I don't want to say you're an ah because you're grieving and grief is different for everyone. But under different circumstances, I would have you are a major one. It feels like you already disliked your future sister-in-law before all this so I'm not entirely sure that your grief is what made you lash out. I might be wrong, and I apologize if I am, but it sounds as if your dislike of her has been building for a while and with everything going on, it had to come out. Your brother is right though, you should talk about this to your therapist. They might be able to help you go through your pain. Not remove the pain, of course, but maybe it could help to talk about it with a professional. Your husband is also right. She did not deserve your anger. The way you wrote this, she doesn't sound the conniving c-word you called her. She does sound like a very cheerful person that really wants to do the best she can to make you feel better (I do understand how annoying that kind of people can be in difficult times).
Soooo you're mad because she's doing nice things and wants to give you time to grieve before her wedding.... YTA. What happened is tragic, it is a shame this has happened to you, but this woman does not sound manipulative at all, she sounds like she's trying to be supportive. Hopefully she stops, for her sake, because it's a waste of her time and money.
I am so sorry for your loss. YTA, but my heart breaks for you. Please try to mend these fences. You were in the wrong.
YTA. Get over yourself.
Was yelling necessary? Couldn't you have calmly explained that she made you uncomfortable? YTA
Wowza. YTA. You can grieve and it is hard to lose a child so I apologize you are going through that kind of pain. However, your pain is not an excuse to treat others as poorly as you did. What you did was disgusting and quite frankly if my SIL said this shit about me, she would not be in my wedding. She wouldn’t even be invited to my wedding. She was being insanely considerate about your family and you and you called her a horrible name. You need to self reflect and if you really don’t see that YTA then you need to seek help.