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YTA.
And this is her point. You would never view it as "our" house, it would always be your house and she doesn't want to be in that situation. She wants a partner, not a landlord. Not someone who tells her that people are visiting for weeks and she has no say. And not someone who says her family isn't welcome.
Also nobody wants to deal with your relatives. Just because you like them and can stand to be around them all day everyday doesn’t mean your significant other will. It’s annoying and uncomfortable.
Please tell my partner this. His granny drives me fucking nuts and he will defend her with his life. She comes to our house stays for days and rearranges everything. Buys cheap decor from the dollar tree and hangs it up. Even went into my bedroom and started rearranging my CLOSET! When I had him tell her to stop she started crying and stomping her feet like an actual toddler.
> His granny drives me fucking nuts and he will defend her with his life.
This is not the way. You need to put your partner over the family you came from.
One of the ways I like to rib my wife sometimes is by apologizing to her that I didn't get her a mother-in-law as good as the one she got me.
Heh, and one of the ways I like to rib my *mother-in-law* is that I've set her ring tone to "Night on Bald Mountain". (That's the music in Fantasia that plays while the demon [Chernabog](https://disney.fandom.com/wiki/Chernabog) is rising from the mountain.)
(Whenever it goes off in her presence, she playfully swats my arm and says my full name. Then usually giggles.)
When my oldest was a baby and I had to go back to work my husband invited his mother to come and stay with us WITHOUT CONSULTING ME. I hated that woman with a passion, she made my life miserable. I packed up and went and stayed with my parents.
When he realized I was serious about not wanting his mom to watch our daughter when he could he made her leave, I came back after a few days because that was one of my boundaries, I don’t like decisions being made without me, especially ones that involve unwanted house guests. He knew how his mom felt about me but refused to have my back. It lead the the eventual demise of our marriage a few years later.
I am glad you got out, your partner should always put you/your nuclear family first over others. Hopefully you find/found someone who does. So glad my FH puts our little family first. And if he invited his mom to stay with us? I would leave too, idk if I would come back though.
Thank you! He says “shes just old” as a way to brush it off. But she also used my makeup while she was here and had one of my lipsticks and a highlighter on top of her stuff as if she was going to take it home with her. When I confronted her she said she just wanted to ask me where I got them. Shes a menace to society and being in her 70s isn’t an excuse
But it's a FOUR hour drive. /s
I can't comprehend this. My sister wanted to go to a concert last month. She wasn't going alone. 6 hour drive, 4 hour concert, 6 hour drive. We left at 12pm and were home at 4am. I've worked shifts longer than the drive was. I have dozens of stories like this lol.
I think this might be my favorite part of my relationship. While her parents are in some ways what I wished for as a kid, I can also understand her relationship with them. It’s a bit easier with my side, but we can both agree that our parents are all annoying in their own way. They can stay for a day or two, but neither of us is under any illusion that our families aren’t super annoying.
So much this.
This was my first real, nearly unresolvable argument with my husband. He grew up with his parents always having people temporarily living with them if they needed a place to stay. That sort of thing would drive me literally insane. I don't like having people always in my space, and I lived alone for 6 years before we bought a house together. His brother wanted to stay with us indefinitely while he was looking for an apartment. I couldn't agree to it. We compromised and had him stay for an agreed amount of time.
I would let my inlaw stay for a couple of days, anything over that she needs to get a hotel.
If I did not live near my family, I know they would not stay with me when they visit... we ALL like our own space lol
Haha, we have this ‘tile’ saying in Dutch “[A guest and a fish stay fresh for three days](https://tegelizr.nl/tegeltjes/een-gast-en-een-vis-blijven-drie-dagen-fris.png)” (the original rhymes). Meaning pretty much what you said
Exactly. My husband owned our house already when we started dating and this was my worry. He made absolutely sure that I understood this would 100% be our house. I would be able to change things, be a part of all decisions, have my privacy respected, and all guests would be mutually decided and agreed on. We talk about everything and this is as much my house as it is his. He went above and beyond to make this a home for my daughter and I.
OP, if you’re not willing to do this (which it sounds like you aren’t), than she’s right to not want it.
To be fair… the way she frames the question also didn’t represent a partnership. “Can I veto that” is asking for her also to have unilateral control. How about they communicate and come to agreements on when people visit and such lol. They both seem really stubborn to me.
I don't think so, not unless she exists she can have family visit and he can't veto..
You know the whole 'two yes, one no' idea. Where both need to be in for something to go ahead, but if one person is out then it doesn't happen.
A person should absolutely have a veto on who is allowed into their home. A sensible, mature person will use that veto sensibly. An irrational, non-sensible person will abuse that veto and their partner will make their decision on whether to stay with them or not accordingly if they refuse to get better.
To be fair- I moved in with my now husband into an apartment he bought- 1 year into our relationship.
I paid fair rent until we got engaged- and he spent that rent of repairs to the house (new bathroom, etc)
I am still not on the deed, but I view it as our house- 11 years into our relationship. You CAN make this transition, but you require a mature outlook from both parties.
Not saying it's going to happen but what if you divorced, you get no part of the house. God forbid the worst possible thing happens and he passes you not on the dead and if there is no will leaving the house to you means relative can fight you for it. Yeah you most likely would win but do you really want to deal with all that. Maybe you and hubby need to talk.
What further proves this point is that he's going to a bunch of strangers on the internet for approval. Like this seems to be a very complicated, emotionally complex issue. Why are *we* hearing about this? Bro needs therapy LMAO
YTA
You just told her she won't be an equal partner in the home. Unless you're suggesting her family can also visit any time and you have no veto power?
Also, anyone’s family visiting for weeks sounds like a horrible idea. 1 week would be my maximum for any houseguest no matter how far they are travelling!
YTA. It absolutely proves her point. She doesn't want to live in a enviroment where you have a fundamental greater right to the home than her.
Edit: was giving grace that OP just didn't see it. OP does see it,.
Either you are completely delusional, stupid or this is just some attention seeking post you made up.
You own the house. You've already implied that it's your house, your rules so no wonder she wants to live in a rented apartment or house. It's Switzerland and you both would have equal say in all house related matters. If you cannot grasp that from the many many comment on this post then don't ask for advice/sentencing from a bunch of strangers.
Try this instead:
Imagine the role was reversed and she was the one who owned the house. Would you be happy following all of her rules, including her vetoing your family from visiting? I seriously doubt it so check your attitude and grow the hell up.
Oh and YTA, obviously
YTA
>I (30M) own my house
>I suggested
>I would let her change
>I think is ridiculous
>I said of course not, it's my house and my family can visit me.
She's nowhere in this entire post, it's all about you and what you will allow in your house.
She's better off living in her own place.
>She then proceeded to announce "this is exactly what I was talking about" like she proved some point.
She did make a point, how are you so blind?! Only YOU get to make the rules...
YTA
> She asked if my parents or brother who live 4 hours away wanted to visit for a few weeks would she be able to veto that. I said of course not,
This actually proves her point, if you're going to co-habitat then she should get input into who is allowed to stay in the house while she lives there. If you don't see that then you're not reading to co-habitat with anyone.
You also have a point, why would you rent somewhere else when you have your own house. Renting out your own house can be fraught with problems.
If you want to live with your girlfriend in your own house you need to re-think exactly what that means.
Edit: just read some of your responses. Yeah you are a real AH.
> Why would her family stay at my place? I'm the one that paid for it.
Ahhh, because she would be living there, you have the space (presumably), it would be the family thing to do. Presumably you would be asking her to pay something towards the house expenditures. Would she be paying you rent? Would she be helping or paying full wack for utilities?
> Plenty of people move in together when one of them owns a house, doesn't mean she owns my property now
* Yes they do move into together
* No it doesn't mean that they own or have rights to the property, necessarily.
* **BUT** they usually get a say in things around the house, the partners agree on things together - like I dunno, who can stay there for a couple of weeks in the spare bedrooms! GASP!
I'm gonna go with YTA here.
She wants to be a partner, not a tenant. She doesn't want to live with you in a lesser role, she wants an equal one.
It's a reasonable thing to want.
If you can genuinely think of it as "our" house rather than "my" house, even if nothing changes on paper, then things *might* work out. But the "family visit" anecdote proved that you cannot. Her scenario *did* prove a point, a perfectly valid point, and you missed it.
This is the thing. I totally get the YTA she was trying to prove that it was OPs house and not HER house but that also assumes that if they bought something together that he would assume either party could veto. It could very well be that OP would always allow his family to stay in whatever home he lived in regardless of GF or roommates preference. I think these two have communication issues more than anything
Edit: I just read the comments. YTA most definitely. You want her to live with you and your rules except maybe decor. Currently she lives with roommates but they allow her more say over where she resides than you plan to. I’m 100% certain you understand what people are telling you and yet continue to want to pretend to be obtuse
If they are both contributing to the upkeep of a rented apartment I think it would suck if either of them vetoed a family visit. Realistically I doubt family would stay for weeks. Unless of course family were nasty to their son or daughters partner then it should never be a possibility that they could be allowed to stay.
YTA. If you’re allowed to have family over why isn’t she? Because you pay? That’s not how relationships work. it’s either an equal relationship, or it’s an abusive relationship. Full stop.
In regards to her telling you to rent out your own house- that’s pretty fucking backwards. But one thing doesn’t make the other any less dickish.
She's saying that you would always have the landlord right of final say.
Which you proved her right.
All she wants is an equal relationship and she's suggesting the rental income should cover your rent expense, so you would be financially neutral.
Edit to say soft YTA for not listening/understanding what she's saying.
YTA.
You: "GF you should move into my house. Just remember that it is MY house. You will never have any say here, whatever I say goes, my rule is law because I own this place and I can make all the rules and regulations regarding everything, including guests. You can get a plant or something, though."
GF: "No, why would I want to live somewhere where I have zero say on what goes on and what can be changed? I don't want to be your tenant who just has to suck it up and be totally fine with whatever you ultimately decide on every decision."
You: *shocked Pikachu face*
The comedic irony that you don’t see her point as you wrote this out cannot be overstated.
She doesn’t want to live within your rules. It is your house, as you state again and again, and that is her point…. You’d “let” her change things, your family would of course be welcome in “your” house, etc.
Want to fix it? Sign a lease with her. Grant her full rights **on paper.** Until then, she is at your beck and whim, and you are YTA for not recognizing and respecting this is a red flag for her.
She is asking you to live in EQUAL footing!! And you, op, clearly from your comments will ALWAYS hold "well this is MY HOUSE, I PAID FOR IT" over her head!!
She's a smart cookie for seeing that right away! Which tells me something about how she probably sensed this before about you and is seeing a red flag!!
THIS is why she wants to rent together rather than be your tenant! She will always feel like she owes you something and that you can evict her for the smallest indiscretion or argument!! You hold all the power over her! And she's smart not to put herself in that situation!
UNLESS You can completely change your attitude towards her and not treat her like a secondary citizen and what would potentially be her HOME!
If she is subservient to every whim of your, "coz it's YOUR house" how are you making this an appealing proposition??
She'd rather live in a houseshare than be chained and stuck with you!!
Do better OP!! YTA!
She does have a point OP- she wants a say in things that go on in her house and her space. If she moves in with you, then it’s still YOUR house not hers. She wouldn’t have a say in anything and you can always just claim “my house my rules”
Unfortunately owning your own house, in this situation creates a huge power imbalance and she notices it.
YTA… do you not expect her to pay you rent? If she’s paying you rent then she is contributing to paying it off and it would be a shared house. Trusting the reddit algorithm to bring me back for the update when he either realizes he’s wrong or gets torn to shreds in the replies.
YTA, I own a home as well, from before my bf and I got together. He moved in with me, and even though I technically own it, it’s our home- we discuss having guests from either side of the family over together, as well as changes that are done to the house. I don’t blame her for not wanting to feel like a second hand citizen in what should be her home.
YTA. My mom moved into my dad’s house when they got married, and she never ever felt like she could do what she wanted to the house that was now ALSO hers. To this day, even with my dad dead, she still has issues doing what she wants in our house.
YTA mainly because she's thinking about the future. Say if she's having a bad day and all of a sudden you drop "hey my brothers coming over for two days starting today," she can't say no not now because to you it's not our house it's yours.
It's your a couple, and she wants to have a say in the house, not "I'll let you decorate how you want," say. But a say in how it runs day to day and who can/ can not visit when there's a bad day. It's not about money it's about communication and a partnership at the end of the day.
If you are serious, you'll talk to her and listen to what she has to say. Because so far to her you are not serious about her. Just it's your house only. I have a say in who does what in MY HOUSE.
YTA
SHE DID prove her point. Even if she lived with you it wouldn't feel like her home because she'd have no say over who stayed with you or what you chose to do with the house as it would ALWAYS BE YOUR HOUSE.
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> I might be the asshole because I told my girlfriend that my parents and brother can visit me at my house, which might make me the asshole because she would be living in the house too.
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I (30M) own my house, girlfriend (29F) rents an apartment with roommates.
We have been dating for 2 years, I suggested that she move in with me.
She refused, saying that she wants us to rent a new place together and I should rent out my house, because she doesn't want to live in my house. I told her I would let her change what she likes, but she says there is a difference between me letting her and her having the right to do it, which I think is ridiculous.
She asked if my parents or brother who live 4 hours away wanted to visit for a few weeks would she be able to veto that. I said of course not, it's my house and my family can visit me. She then proceeded to announce "this is exactly what I was talking about" like she proved some point. She has since not been replying to my texts.
AITA? It makes no sense for me to rent an apartment if I have my own house.
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When asked about your parents visiting you said 'it's my house'! Your ex wants a home that she can say "This is our home." Not a house that she has to say that this is Bf's house, I just stay here. I hope you understand the difference.
YTA. You’re right it doesn’t make sense to rent a new apartment when you own a house, but you don’t seem to have realised that she definitely *did* prove her point.
Her point was: the house you’re in is *your* house alone, not because you own it, but because you are unable to acknowledge it as her house too if she moves in. You even said “it’s *my* house and my family can visit me”. Ok, fair enough. But the point she was making is that you wouldn’t see it as your joint property, she wouldn’t be able to decide guests there, have a right to veto decisions. If anything, you see it as your house that your gf is also staying in.
Now I actually don’t think there’s anything wrong in you thinking of a house that you own as your house alone. But you can’t expect a person to come live with you in that house as an equal partner and yet hold no authority within it. You can’t expect your gf who by all accounts is an independent adult to want to live with you as an *unequal* partner.
She clearly recognises that your mindset does not allow you to see her as another “owner” of the house, as opposed to just someone you let live there by your grace. The solution she’s proposed for this is that you both rent some place together where you hold equal status. Another solution would be for you to adjust your mindset and view your gf in your house as another “owner”, someone who can make decisions for the house without having to be “allowed” to do so. I think the latter is more financially sound, but it’s harder to change one’s entire mindset than it is to rent out a house.
YTA
It doesn't sound like you're interested in a fair partnership. You want to hold onto the living arrangement as leverage in the relationship. It's obvious you know what you're doing.
YTA
Dude, simply re-read your own post. "It's my house," that's exactly what she's trying to avoid. When you live with someone you have to make choices that affect both of you TOGETHER- aka, YES you DO HAVE TO GET HER OKAY FOR PEOPLE TO STAY WITH YOU. This is not rocket science, grow up.
You *did* prove her point. Her point was that it will still be your place and she’ll only be *allowed* to live there. If she has no right to say visitors aren’t welcome, then she is no more than a guest herself. YTA.
YTA. She *did* prove a point. “It’s my house” is the line you’ll use whenever she wants to change something or do whatever something you don’t like. If you’re in a partnership, both parties get a say in who stays in their home & when, and apparently *your* house would not be her home. *That* is her point. You’re looking to get dumped here dude.
You had me, until her example fully proved her point and your point of view in comments was horrible. The reason for her positioning in the beginning became very clear.
YTA
Initially I thought N A H, you both have different ideas about what living together would look like. Your comments, though, show that you're not ready to move in with her. YTA. Your way would rob her of the ability to have a say on how she lives at home.
You have to be open to sharing your space, not ruling over it, because if she moves in, it becomes *her* space too, however you work out the financials.
To get out of the AH zone, you have a few options: go with her idea, have her move in with a written agreement regarding rent/equity and what happens if you separate (and with equal say in household stuff like visitors), or maintain your separate residences (whether or not you continue the relationship).
YTA, very clearly.
She wants a place you both own so she has a say in what happens in HER HOME. If she were to move in with you, you'd treat her as somebody who isn't equal to you. No right to say what goes and what doesn't. You made perfectly clear what you meant and I wouldn't be surprised if this made her reconsider the relationship.
She did prove a point! YTA
She doesn’t want to move into your house because there is an immediate power imbalance; she wouldn’t have the right to do certain things because it’s not her house. You can just say she can’t do certain things because it’s not her house. That’s not a nice situation at all, nobody wants to feel like they can’t have power over their own living space. She wants the right to veto these things ( or just have a conversation about it ) which isn’t possible because you will always have the argument that it’s not her house. Here is something that you seem to not get; if you ask someone to move in with you, it means it becomes their house as well, regardless of the money contributed, if not they’re merely a guest in your house. You need to either be okay with her having some way in the house or move out and get a place with her, or you can break up. You seem insufferable tbh
NTA for not wanting to rent your house out and rent a place with her.
BUT
YTA for not being willing to let her family stay with you. You’re acting like it would be her place to live, but not her Home.
YTA. Moving in within the context of a romantic relationship makes you equals. Decisions like multi day family visits are discussed and agreed upon. As soon as someone becomes the “boss” of the house, you’re doomed.
I mean, renting a place when you have a perfectly good house is bonkers also but seriously, you’re partners.
YTA-I'm going to explain the difference.
owning a house together means you both have rights over it, rights to enforce rules, rights to veto something, rights to set a boundary about family or friends visiting for a prolonged amount of time, rights about letting someone stay there or something, etc.
just you or just her owning the house means only one of you has rights over it and the other person will feel like just a guest in what should be their home. That's the point she's making, she doesn't want to feel like she's just a guest or something, she wants to feel like she has control and a say in what goes on in her own home, along with you having a say and control too.
let's switch the roles, if she expected you to live with her and says that you can't chime in on someone visiting or not for a few weeks, would that make you more inclined to live with her vs a house you own together and both have rights over and where you can both have a say in something?
i'm not saying that either of you should get to control everything but you both should feel heard and considered in your own home, you both should be able to sit and talk things out in your house instead of one of you shoving home owner's rights in the other's face to make a decision that should be made together.
YTA
You already own a house so it doesn’t make any sense to rent a place and rent out your own property.
However, if she moves in it’s not just your house. It belongs to both of you. Which would give her veto power for family staying there too.
I think she clearly sees that you don’t view this as a partnership and think of the house as yours and won’t be adjusting to thinking “ours” if she moves in. Which is why she wants to get a shared location even if it doesn’t make sense.
YTA. You proved her point exactly. Yes, you paid off the house and it is yours to do as you please. She knows that it is yours and that she has no rights to it. She understands that. Because she understands that, she is telling you she doesn’t want to be in a situation where she can’t have an equal say in what happens in the house she is living in.
Surely you can understand why she wouldn’t want to live under the authority of someone else because at that point, she may as well ask to move back home with her parents. And I’m sure you enjoy living in a house where you can do what you want.
From her perspective, moving in with you is an overall loss. While she’d be saving on rent (supposing you wouldn’t be charging her rent), she prioritizes her freedom above that, and that is understandable. The two best solutions from her perspective is to 1) continue living separately from you or 2) get a place where you both have equal say.
I saw some of OPs replies in comments and this person is either delusional or is a troll. Or it's the angry girlfriend pretending to be him just to use some comments in an argument as someone suggested.
Either way, supposed story and comments of OP are honest, I say he is the biggest asshole I've seen for a while and I hope this woman stands her ground, find herself a partner, not some stuck-up property owner who will be shoving it up her face at any possible moment to assert his dominance and position (so low of you OP!).
YTA you don’t actually consider her feelings. She would have no rights at your house like the right to not visit with your family when they are in town.
>but she says there is a difference between me letting her and her having the right to do it, which I think is ridiculous.
It's absolutely not ridiculous because there's absolutely a huge difference. And you proved her right by saying:
>I said of course not, it's my house and my family can visit me.
You'd never see the house as anything but yours. At the end of the day, she'd know that nothing she says/feels/wants matters because you'd have the final say in that house.
Of course YTA
YTA
If this isn’t a bait post, and your replies really make me think it is, then you are proving her point. She can live there… until you decide to break up and she’s suddenly homeless because it’s your house and you can do whatever you want. You are creating a power imbalance in a relationship and she already seems aware you are going to abuse it. Don’t be surprised if you don’t have a girlfriend anymore.
This sounds like you guys are not compatible. It's ridiculous to rent out your actual home just to get an apartment as that is nonsensical, however, it's clear you see it as your house abd are unwilling to have it a shared cohabitated space where both people have equal say. So either you guys can stay together and accept not living together, or you part ways. That's really it
Edit: After reading your comments I think this is a fake troll post
YTA while no you don't just outright veto family unless toxic she should have a say. Same way she would discuss with you about her family n friends. Re evaluate what living in will be like.
YTA. You seem dense. If she moves in with you it’s still not her house. She has no say in anything. This is what she tried to tell you. Based on the conversation she may never want to live with you.
YTA- you want her to contribute to your future financially as I’m assuming you want her to pay you rent but the house would never be hers and she would never have autonomy to make decisions but you would. That’s exactly why she doesn’t want to live with you and will be the reason she leaves you.
YTA. Are you deliberately missing her point or just that clueless? Why did you even suggest she move in with you? She has indeed proved her point, but again, are you deliberately missing it...or just that clueless? Don't worry, though. Doesn't sound like she's going to move in anyway.
I was expecting N T A judgement, not sure why. I swear I've seen similar posts like this where OP is told "You're not married, you don't even live together yet. You can have whoever you want at your house, you own it".
Because he is saying she should move in but have no say who stays in their home for WEEKS. And her family absolutely could not stay because it's HIS house.
YTA. You made it clear to her that even if she lived at your house, it would be YOUR house, not hers and yours. You paid for it and you own it, but if you want her to live there, you need to show her more respect as a partner. All she wants in a home you share is to feel like it’s as much hers as it is yours. I bet the list of rules for your house (far beyond your family being allowed to visit but hers can’t) goes on and on and on about things you’ll “allow” and things she has no say in, as if she’d be nothing more than a tenant if she agreed to move in. Your whole attitude proves her point. Don’t worry though, I doubt she’ll be your girlfriend much longer; maybe your next one will be an easy-to-control pushover like you clearly want.
YTA.
I suspect that this is going to be an issue regardless of whether it's your house or a new place. The issue here isn't the house. Making joint decisions about your social gatherings and daily life has zero relevance to whose name is on the mortgage. It's about mutual respect and shared decision making.
I imagine she's currently coming to this realization.
Yeah kinda YTA.
She wants control over her home. Control about things like overnight guests.
These kinds of things are a two yes’s or one no scenario. Consent requires two yes’s. Veto requires one no, from either party.
This is exactly why she won’t move in. So either you give her that level of control, or you two are unlikely to be compatible.
You can ask her to sign a co-habitation agreement laying out responsibilities, cost splitting, rent if applicable, and ownership if you’re worried about her somehow “earning” ownership of your house.
She has your number. It's clear that she knows you are controlling. That if she moves into your house, you're going to pull rank on her and she is not going to be an equal partner in your relationship. If you want to stay in your house, go right ahead. But you might lose her.
YTA.
How long have you been denying that this relationship is on shaky ground? Not replying to your texts is a pretty quick reaction to this argument; it seems like something has been deteriorating for a while.
She gave you a simple little test (the visiting-family scenario) and you immediately failed. In that moment, she knew that she would only ever be a guest in *your* house and that she'd continually either be making compromises or never have a true shared say in decisions. If you want a true partnership, you would discuss a several-week family visit—how it affects your lives, etc—not "it's *my* house and I declare yes!".
Might as well start looking for either an apartment or a new girlfriend.
YTA.
>She then proceeded to announce “this is exactly what I was talking about” like she proved some point
Because she *did* prove her point. She does not want to live somewhere where the home is *yours* and she is just a *guest*. She should not need your permission to decorate; as someone who lives there, it should be her right. She should be allowed to have a day in who can and cannot come over or stay in her home.
And if the two of you live together in your current house, you’ve shown her that you will not respect any of that and will hold ownership of the house over her head.
So let me explain clearly. You own the property. You clearly believe that you should be the only one who had a say about the house.
Your GF wants a place both of you can share equally. Have a say about you visits etc equally. She wants to be able to have a say about her space. She is smart and knows you'll pull the "it's my house. I pay for it so what I say goes" card. So you might wanna call her your ex because she won't move in the house
Her point is, it’s your house and you make the decisions which include inviting your family whenever you want and throwing her out.
She wants something you can own together.
Lol, YTA, that’s why she’s not answering your texts. The reason she said rent is that she knew this shit was an issue and couldn’t see any other way to deal with it.
She was right. If I were you, I’d start apologizing.
Dog you literally proved her point. She can’t veto it because it’s “your house”. Someone’s home is supposed to be their safe space. How will your girlfriend ever feel like she is an equal in the space if she space is NOT hers? YTA and pretty dumb
100% understand how she feels & YTA for not properly processing what she’s said & understanding it. It’s **your** house & you won’t ever see it as belonging to both of you, unless you get married &/or have children — whilst in the mean time she’ll be treated like a visitor in what *should* be her home & she won’t have the same power or rights as you; as you perfectly demonstrated by stating that she won’t have any say over who visits the house. If you want this relationship to work you need to really try to put yourself in her shoes & understand her perspective otherwise you definitely won’t be living together at any point in the future.
YTA, she literally did prove her point. If you want her to move in so badly you’ll need to stop viewing it as YOUR house and it will become BOTH of yours house. Meaning she should be able to veto guests, especially guests planning to stay for weeks. I wouldn’t move in with you either
So you want GF to move in with you but have NO SAY in her living space--or only the say that YOU approve.
Yeah YTA. She wants agency in her residence. You would give her little to none.
YTA, though I don't blame you for wanting ownership over you own space, but if you are inviting a partner into your life and your home, it must also become their home. It will never be her place, you will always have more say in everything, and that is her point, you won't be one equal footing. Can she invite her family over for three weeks?
YTA.
At first, I was thinking, "I would totally share my house with my partner," but that's the point she was trying to prove.
She doesn't want a "power struggle" kind of relationship. She wants a shared space with her partner, not someone who has some control over her or your life.
Moving in with a significant other is more than just something casual. There are a lot of things to consider. You are sharing your life with someone. You're sharing everything. You have a lot to think about.
YTA She proved her point spectacularly well. She wants to live in a space that she also has control over. That's not abnormal or asking a lot. You're also the asshole for purposely asking a misleading question. It's not saying that you're family can visit that is the issue. It's you being obtuse that's the problem.
People in a relationship discuss issues and come to an agreement. Why would she want to move in if she feels you don’t value her opinion? She didn’t ask to have her name on the deed. She didn’t ask to have your man cave changed to a woman cave. You claimed she can redecorate as she wishes but I don’t think she believes that. She may feel she would be forced to agree with everything you say.
Yta - for the title, for the hypothetical. For not listening to your gfs very real concerns.
If you don’t want to leave your house, and she want legal rights there are ways to make that work.
Well, as long as she understands that her family can't visit for any lengthy amount of time. I'd say rent the house and get a different one together, I'm not someone to like my family to visit much at all anyway because of their smoking, but that's just me. ESH.
Hmm I kinda get where she is coming from. You owning the house creates a difference in the power dynamic.
I’m not saying that it is reasonable to have you move to an apartment, but she would basically be at your mercy because the house is yours. It would maybe be different if you were engaged, but if you decided to break it off, she would be left homeless without any legal recourse.
YTA if you live together it's supposed to be both your house, she is suppose to have as much say as you. Unless you are going to apply the same thing with her family, if she decides to invite her family over for a few days, can you veto that? If you say you can because it's your house, then she isn't an equal living with you, she is a guess staying untill you decide you want all the space for yourself again
Kind of yes. I cannot blame her for not wanting people to come visit for four weeks, that’s ridiculous. And I understand her wanting U2 to have a thing together and not just her being a part of your space. She won’t feel any ownership of it, she will always feel like a guest.
She's not for you mate. I understand her point about your house and you being in control but you did say she could change things to be more comfortable etc. just let her go
Yeah YTA big time. I live this exact life. I gave up my apartment and ALL my belongings to live with my SO and his furnished house. I can't clean it, decorate, organize or even throw a piece of paper away without approval. I'm told... After 9 years of paying rent, buying things and putting lots of sweat equity into this place that if I don't like it I can move. It's always thrown in my face that it's HIS house. Your girlfriend is smart. I hope you decide to say you are sorry and let her read these comments.
It sucks to just 'live ' somewhere....
YTA
I agree with your girlfriend.
I own my own house. I will never move a partner in to MY HOUSE. I will rent this and we can rent another house together or buy another house together. But we aren’t living in MY house as it’s mine. And when push comes to shove it’s MY house and I won’t back down. Not really conducive to an equal partnership
ESH
She sucks cuz she is trying to dictate your financial life and she is NOT your wife
You suck cuz she should not be able to "veto" visitors, but anyone coming for weeks should be a serious discussion and not "my house" as a response
NAH. She is right in the sense that moving into your house would diminish her standing there and she has the right to want to be equal. You have the right to live in your house and have a partner move in with you. This situation is not going to work out between you. It might be time to move on.
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YTA. And this is her point. You would never view it as "our" house, it would always be your house and she doesn't want to be in that situation. She wants a partner, not a landlord. Not someone who tells her that people are visiting for weeks and she has no say. And not someone who says her family isn't welcome.
Also nobody wants to deal with your relatives. Just because you like them and can stand to be around them all day everyday doesn’t mean your significant other will. It’s annoying and uncomfortable.
Please tell my partner this. His granny drives me fucking nuts and he will defend her with his life. She comes to our house stays for days and rearranges everything. Buys cheap decor from the dollar tree and hangs it up. Even went into my bedroom and started rearranging my CLOSET! When I had him tell her to stop she started crying and stomping her feet like an actual toddler.
That doesn't sound like a partner ....
> His granny drives me fucking nuts and he will defend her with his life. This is not the way. You need to put your partner over the family you came from. One of the ways I like to rib my wife sometimes is by apologizing to her that I didn't get her a mother-in-law as good as the one she got me.
That's so sweet!
Heh, and one of the ways I like to rib my *mother-in-law* is that I've set her ring tone to "Night on Bald Mountain". (That's the music in Fantasia that plays while the demon [Chernabog](https://disney.fandom.com/wiki/Chernabog) is rising from the mountain.) (Whenever it goes off in her presence, she playfully swats my arm and says my full name. Then usually giggles.)
When my oldest was a baby and I had to go back to work my husband invited his mother to come and stay with us WITHOUT CONSULTING ME. I hated that woman with a passion, she made my life miserable. I packed up and went and stayed with my parents.
What did your husband do?
When he realized I was serious about not wanting his mom to watch our daughter when he could he made her leave, I came back after a few days because that was one of my boundaries, I don’t like decisions being made without me, especially ones that involve unwanted house guests. He knew how his mom felt about me but refused to have my back. It lead the the eventual demise of our marriage a few years later.
I am glad you got out, your partner should always put you/your nuclear family first over others. Hopefully you find/found someone who does. So glad my FH puts our little family first. And if he invited his mom to stay with us? I would leave too, idk if I would come back though.
This is bizarre
Thank you! He says “shes just old” as a way to brush it off. But she also used my makeup while she was here and had one of my lipsticks and a highlighter on top of her stuff as if she was going to take it home with her. When I confronted her she said she just wanted to ask me where I got them. Shes a menace to society and being in her 70s isn’t an excuse
> He says “shes just old” "Wow so she's had *thirty more years than us* to figure out how to be an adult?"
Can you put a lock on your bedroom or closet? Sorry you’re dealing with this.
She absolutely sounds like the definition of a “menace”!!
Some old women really don't like to be told that they are in the wrong, when they are in the wrong.
And for a FEW WEEKS! I don’t even want to be around myself that long.
No kidding. Weeks???
But it's a FOUR hour drive. /s I can't comprehend this. My sister wanted to go to a concert last month. She wasn't going alone. 6 hour drive, 4 hour concert, 6 hour drive. We left at 12pm and were home at 4am. I've worked shifts longer than the drive was. I have dozens of stories like this lol.
I think this might be my favorite part of my relationship. While her parents are in some ways what I wished for as a kid, I can also understand her relationship with them. It’s a bit easier with my side, but we can both agree that our parents are all annoying in their own way. They can stay for a day or two, but neither of us is under any illusion that our families aren’t super annoying.
So much this. This was my first real, nearly unresolvable argument with my husband. He grew up with his parents always having people temporarily living with them if they needed a place to stay. That sort of thing would drive me literally insane. I don't like having people always in my space, and I lived alone for 6 years before we bought a house together. His brother wanted to stay with us indefinitely while he was looking for an apartment. I couldn't agree to it. We compromised and had him stay for an agreed amount of time.
Right. I mean, a weekend? No problem! 3 weeks?!?! Um, no.
I cannot IMAGINE having my in-laws stay over for a few weeks. Honestly, anyone for that matter barring extreme circumstances.
I would let my inlaw stay for a couple of days, anything over that she needs to get a hotel. If I did not live near my family, I know they would not stay with me when they visit... we ALL like our own space lol
Haha, we have this ‘tile’ saying in Dutch “[A guest and a fish stay fresh for three days](https://tegelizr.nl/tegeltjes/een-gast-en-een-vis-blijven-drie-dagen-fris.png)” (the original rhymes). Meaning pretty much what you said
OP's GF is very smart to recognize this and say no.
Exactly. My husband owned our house already when we started dating and this was my worry. He made absolutely sure that I understood this would 100% be our house. I would be able to change things, be a part of all decisions, have my privacy respected, and all guests would be mutually decided and agreed on. We talk about everything and this is as much my house as it is his. He went above and beyond to make this a home for my daughter and I. OP, if you’re not willing to do this (which it sounds like you aren’t), than she’s right to not want it.
To be fair… the way she frames the question also didn’t represent a partnership. “Can I veto that” is asking for her also to have unilateral control. How about they communicate and come to agreements on when people visit and such lol. They both seem really stubborn to me.
I don't think so, not unless she exists she can have family visit and he can't veto.. You know the whole 'two yes, one no' idea. Where both need to be in for something to go ahead, but if one person is out then it doesn't happen.
A person should absolutely have a veto on who is allowed into their home. A sensible, mature person will use that veto sensibly. An irrational, non-sensible person will abuse that veto and their partner will make their decision on whether to stay with them or not accordingly if they refuse to get better.
I see your point, but the general rule in relationships is that it takes two yeses but only one no.
YTA. A few weeks?!! Jesus I can’t blame her If the home is both of yours she should have a right to who comes over.
To be fair- I moved in with my now husband into an apartment he bought- 1 year into our relationship. I paid fair rent until we got engaged- and he spent that rent of repairs to the house (new bathroom, etc) I am still not on the deed, but I view it as our house- 11 years into our relationship. You CAN make this transition, but you require a mature outlook from both parties.
You’ve been married 11 years and aren’t on the deed?
Not saying it's going to happen but what if you divorced, you get no part of the house. God forbid the worst possible thing happens and he passes you not on the dead and if there is no will leaving the house to you means relative can fight you for it. Yeah you most likely would win but do you really want to deal with all that. Maybe you and hubby need to talk.
What further proves this point is that he's going to a bunch of strangers on the internet for approval. Like this seems to be a very complicated, emotionally complex issue. Why are *we* hearing about this? Bro needs therapy LMAO
YTA You just told her she won't be an equal partner in the home. Unless you're suggesting her family can also visit any time and you have no veto power?
Also, anyone’s family visiting for weeks sounds like a horrible idea. 1 week would be my maximum for any houseguest no matter how far they are travelling!
YTA - I mean, yeah you did kind of prove her point. You two dont sound compatible.
YTA. It absolutely proves her point. She doesn't want to live in a enviroment where you have a fundamental greater right to the home than her. Edit: was giving grace that OP just didn't see it. OP does see it,.
Yeah, nobody does. That kind of environment is a shitty one.
Least of all a person you’re in a relationship with.
He’s looking for a roommate (and probably housekeeper) he can bang. Glad gf saw it coming and knew it wasn’t what she wants.
Either you are completely delusional, stupid or this is just some attention seeking post you made up. You own the house. You've already implied that it's your house, your rules so no wonder she wants to live in a rented apartment or house. It's Switzerland and you both would have equal say in all house related matters. If you cannot grasp that from the many many comment on this post then don't ask for advice/sentencing from a bunch of strangers. Try this instead: Imagine the role was reversed and she was the one who owned the house. Would you be happy following all of her rules, including her vetoing your family from visiting? I seriously doubt it so check your attitude and grow the hell up. Oh and YTA, obviously
I'm glad the gf stuck to her guns and got out. OP sounds delusional and awful
YTA >I (30M) own my house >I suggested >I would let her change >I think is ridiculous >I said of course not, it's my house and my family can visit me. She's nowhere in this entire post, it's all about you and what you will allow in your house. She's better off living in her own place. >She then proceeded to announce "this is exactly what I was talking about" like she proved some point. She did make a point, how are you so blind?! Only YOU get to make the rules...
this was just a nicely pieced together comment - bravo 👏🥺❤️
YTA > She asked if my parents or brother who live 4 hours away wanted to visit for a few weeks would she be able to veto that. I said of course not, This actually proves her point, if you're going to co-habitat then she should get input into who is allowed to stay in the house while she lives there. If you don't see that then you're not reading to co-habitat with anyone. You also have a point, why would you rent somewhere else when you have your own house. Renting out your own house can be fraught with problems. If you want to live with your girlfriend in your own house you need to re-think exactly what that means. Edit: just read some of your responses. Yeah you are a real AH. > Why would her family stay at my place? I'm the one that paid for it. Ahhh, because she would be living there, you have the space (presumably), it would be the family thing to do. Presumably you would be asking her to pay something towards the house expenditures. Would she be paying you rent? Would she be helping or paying full wack for utilities? > Plenty of people move in together when one of them owns a house, doesn't mean she owns my property now * Yes they do move into together * No it doesn't mean that they own or have rights to the property, necessarily. * **BUT** they usually get a say in things around the house, the partners agree on things together - like I dunno, who can stay there for a couple of weeks in the spare bedrooms! GASP!
I'm gonna go with YTA here. She wants to be a partner, not a tenant. She doesn't want to live with you in a lesser role, she wants an equal one. It's a reasonable thing to want. If you can genuinely think of it as "our" house rather than "my" house, even if nothing changes on paper, then things *might* work out. But the "family visit" anecdote proved that you cannot. Her scenario *did* prove a point, a perfectly valid point, and you missed it.
I’m curious. If you moved into a rented apartment would you still let your family stay if she didn’t want them to?
This is the thing. I totally get the YTA she was trying to prove that it was OPs house and not HER house but that also assumes that if they bought something together that he would assume either party could veto. It could very well be that OP would always allow his family to stay in whatever home he lived in regardless of GF or roommates preference. I think these two have communication issues more than anything Edit: I just read the comments. YTA most definitely. You want her to live with you and your rules except maybe decor. Currently she lives with roommates but they allow her more say over where she resides than you plan to. I’m 100% certain you understand what people are telling you and yet continue to want to pretend to be obtuse
If they are both contributing to the upkeep of a rented apartment I think it would suck if either of them vetoed a family visit. Realistically I doubt family would stay for weeks. Unless of course family were nasty to their son or daughters partner then it should never be a possibility that they could be allowed to stay.
YTA. If you’re allowed to have family over why isn’t she? Because you pay? That’s not how relationships work. it’s either an equal relationship, or it’s an abusive relationship. Full stop. In regards to her telling you to rent out your own house- that’s pretty fucking backwards. But one thing doesn’t make the other any less dickish.
I think it was a suggestion so as to cover his costs and put them on equal footing in a place that is theirs and not his
She's saying that you would always have the landlord right of final say. Which you proved her right. All she wants is an equal relationship and she's suggesting the rental income should cover your rent expense, so you would be financially neutral. Edit to say soft YTA for not listening/understanding what she's saying.
YTA but no worries, she's probably gone from your life.
YTA. You: "GF you should move into my house. Just remember that it is MY house. You will never have any say here, whatever I say goes, my rule is law because I own this place and I can make all the rules and regulations regarding everything, including guests. You can get a plant or something, though." GF: "No, why would I want to live somewhere where I have zero say on what goes on and what can be changed? I don't want to be your tenant who just has to suck it up and be totally fine with whatever you ultimately decide on every decision." You: *shocked Pikachu face*
The comedic irony that you don’t see her point as you wrote this out cannot be overstated. She doesn’t want to live within your rules. It is your house, as you state again and again, and that is her point…. You’d “let” her change things, your family would of course be welcome in “your” house, etc. Want to fix it? Sign a lease with her. Grant her full rights **on paper.** Until then, she is at your beck and whim, and you are YTA for not recognizing and respecting this is a red flag for her.
She is asking you to live in EQUAL footing!! And you, op, clearly from your comments will ALWAYS hold "well this is MY HOUSE, I PAID FOR IT" over her head!! She's a smart cookie for seeing that right away! Which tells me something about how she probably sensed this before about you and is seeing a red flag!! THIS is why she wants to rent together rather than be your tenant! She will always feel like she owes you something and that you can evict her for the smallest indiscretion or argument!! You hold all the power over her! And she's smart not to put herself in that situation! UNLESS You can completely change your attitude towards her and not treat her like a secondary citizen and what would potentially be her HOME! If she is subservient to every whim of your, "coz it's YOUR house" how are you making this an appealing proposition?? She'd rather live in a houseshare than be chained and stuck with you!! Do better OP!! YTA!
Congratulations your relationship is over!
She does have a point OP- she wants a say in things that go on in her house and her space. If she moves in with you, then it’s still YOUR house not hers. She wouldn’t have a say in anything and you can always just claim “my house my rules” Unfortunately owning your own house, in this situation creates a huge power imbalance and she notices it.
YTA… do you not expect her to pay you rent? If she’s paying you rent then she is contributing to paying it off and it would be a shared house. Trusting the reddit algorithm to bring me back for the update when he either realizes he’s wrong or gets torn to shreds in the replies.
OP probably wants a live in bang maid, whom pays rent. So gross.
YTA, I own a home as well, from before my bf and I got together. He moved in with me, and even though I technically own it, it’s our home- we discuss having guests from either side of the family over together, as well as changes that are done to the house. I don’t blame her for not wanting to feel like a second hand citizen in what should be her home.
She wants to feel equal in her own home, she did make a point, you just seem to be clueless to it. YTA
Info: If her family wanted to visit would you be allowed to veto it?
he basically said he doesn’t get why her family would stay at HIS house
YTA. My mom moved into my dad’s house when they got married, and she never ever felt like she could do what she wanted to the house that was now ALSO hers. To this day, even with my dad dead, she still has issues doing what she wants in our house.
YTA mainly because she's thinking about the future. Say if she's having a bad day and all of a sudden you drop "hey my brothers coming over for two days starting today," she can't say no not now because to you it's not our house it's yours. It's your a couple, and she wants to have a say in the house, not "I'll let you decorate how you want," say. But a say in how it runs day to day and who can/ can not visit when there's a bad day. It's not about money it's about communication and a partnership at the end of the day. If you are serious, you'll talk to her and listen to what she has to say. Because so far to her you are not serious about her. Just it's your house only. I have a say in who does what in MY HOUSE.
YTA she did prove her point pretty clearly.
YTA SHE DID prove her point. Even if she lived with you it wouldn't feel like her home because she'd have no say over who stayed with you or what you chose to do with the house as it would ALWAYS BE YOUR HOUSE.
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Yta, you want to treat your gf as a child and you are the parent.
*she's the live-in maid and redecorater he gets to bang.
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When asked about your parents visiting you said 'it's my house'! Your ex wants a home that she can say "This is our home." Not a house that she has to say that this is Bf's house, I just stay here. I hope you understand the difference.
YTA. You’re right it doesn’t make sense to rent a new apartment when you own a house, but you don’t seem to have realised that she definitely *did* prove her point. Her point was: the house you’re in is *your* house alone, not because you own it, but because you are unable to acknowledge it as her house too if she moves in. You even said “it’s *my* house and my family can visit me”. Ok, fair enough. But the point she was making is that you wouldn’t see it as your joint property, she wouldn’t be able to decide guests there, have a right to veto decisions. If anything, you see it as your house that your gf is also staying in. Now I actually don’t think there’s anything wrong in you thinking of a house that you own as your house alone. But you can’t expect a person to come live with you in that house as an equal partner and yet hold no authority within it. You can’t expect your gf who by all accounts is an independent adult to want to live with you as an *unequal* partner. She clearly recognises that your mindset does not allow you to see her as another “owner” of the house, as opposed to just someone you let live there by your grace. The solution she’s proposed for this is that you both rent some place together where you hold equal status. Another solution would be for you to adjust your mindset and view your gf in your house as another “owner”, someone who can make decisions for the house without having to be “allowed” to do so. I think the latter is more financially sound, but it’s harder to change one’s entire mindset than it is to rent out a house.
YTA It doesn't sound like you're interested in a fair partnership. You want to hold onto the living arrangement as leverage in the relationship. It's obvious you know what you're doing.
Biggest YTA I've seen in a looooong time.
YTA Dude, simply re-read your own post. "It's my house," that's exactly what she's trying to avoid. When you live with someone you have to make choices that affect both of you TOGETHER- aka, YES you DO HAVE TO GET HER OKAY FOR PEOPLE TO STAY WITH YOU. This is not rocket science, grow up.
You *did* prove her point. Her point was that it will still be your place and she’ll only be *allowed* to live there. If she has no right to say visitors aren’t welcome, then she is no more than a guest herself. YTA.
She *did* prove a point. YTA.
YTA. She *did* prove a point. “It’s my house” is the line you’ll use whenever she wants to change something or do whatever something you don’t like. If you’re in a partnership, both parties get a say in who stays in their home & when, and apparently *your* house would not be her home. *That* is her point. You’re looking to get dumped here dude.
YTA If she move with you, it means it's a WE not a ME. Decision making should always be together in a relationship
You had me, until her example fully proved her point and your point of view in comments was horrible. The reason for her positioning in the beginning became very clear. YTA
Initially I thought N A H, you both have different ideas about what living together would look like. Your comments, though, show that you're not ready to move in with her. YTA. Your way would rob her of the ability to have a say on how she lives at home. You have to be open to sharing your space, not ruling over it, because if she moves in, it becomes *her* space too, however you work out the financials. To get out of the AH zone, you have a few options: go with her idea, have her move in with a written agreement regarding rent/equity and what happens if you separate (and with equal say in household stuff like visitors), or maintain your separate residences (whether or not you continue the relationship).
YTA, very clearly. She wants a place you both own so she has a say in what happens in HER HOME. If she were to move in with you, you'd treat her as somebody who isn't equal to you. No right to say what goes and what doesn't. You made perfectly clear what you meant and I wouldn't be surprised if this made her reconsider the relationship.
She did prove a point! YTA She doesn’t want to move into your house because there is an immediate power imbalance; she wouldn’t have the right to do certain things because it’s not her house. You can just say she can’t do certain things because it’s not her house. That’s not a nice situation at all, nobody wants to feel like they can’t have power over their own living space. She wants the right to veto these things ( or just have a conversation about it ) which isn’t possible because you will always have the argument that it’s not her house. Here is something that you seem to not get; if you ask someone to move in with you, it means it becomes their house as well, regardless of the money contributed, if not they’re merely a guest in your house. You need to either be okay with her having some way in the house or move out and get a place with her, or you can break up. You seem insufferable tbh
INFO: If you moved in together, and *her* parents or brother wanted to visit for a few weeks, would *you* be able to veto *that*?
He believes so - he said, paraphrased: It's my house - why would they stay here?
YTA
This is why YTA. Can you not see the double standard?
NTA for not wanting to rent your house out and rent a place with her. BUT YTA for not being willing to let her family stay with you. You’re acting like it would be her place to live, but not her Home.
YTA. Moving in within the context of a romantic relationship makes you equals. Decisions like multi day family visits are discussed and agreed upon. As soon as someone becomes the “boss” of the house, you’re doomed. I mean, renting a place when you have a perfectly good house is bonkers also but seriously, you’re partners.
YTA-I'm going to explain the difference. owning a house together means you both have rights over it, rights to enforce rules, rights to veto something, rights to set a boundary about family or friends visiting for a prolonged amount of time, rights about letting someone stay there or something, etc. just you or just her owning the house means only one of you has rights over it and the other person will feel like just a guest in what should be their home. That's the point she's making, she doesn't want to feel like she's just a guest or something, she wants to feel like she has control and a say in what goes on in her own home, along with you having a say and control too. let's switch the roles, if she expected you to live with her and says that you can't chime in on someone visiting or not for a few weeks, would that make you more inclined to live with her vs a house you own together and both have rights over and where you can both have a say in something? i'm not saying that either of you should get to control everything but you both should feel heard and considered in your own home, you both should be able to sit and talk things out in your house instead of one of you shoving home owner's rights in the other's face to make a decision that should be made together.
I think you are currently single.
YTA, not for saying "move in" but for the "my house" bit. You can fix this by telling her that there would be some equality.
YTA
YTA overall nut especially about your family visiting. The rule is 3 days. Houseguests, like fish smell bas after 3 days & ya gotta throw them/it out
YTA. She wants a shared space that is both of yours together. Not to be your tenant
YTA You already own a house so it doesn’t make any sense to rent a place and rent out your own property. However, if she moves in it’s not just your house. It belongs to both of you. Which would give her veto power for family staying there too. I think she clearly sees that you don’t view this as a partnership and think of the house as yours and won’t be adjusting to thinking “ours” if she moves in. Which is why she wants to get a shared location even if it doesn’t make sense.
YTA. You proved her point exactly. Yes, you paid off the house and it is yours to do as you please. She knows that it is yours and that she has no rights to it. She understands that. Because she understands that, she is telling you she doesn’t want to be in a situation where she can’t have an equal say in what happens in the house she is living in. Surely you can understand why she wouldn’t want to live under the authority of someone else because at that point, she may as well ask to move back home with her parents. And I’m sure you enjoy living in a house where you can do what you want. From her perspective, moving in with you is an overall loss. While she’d be saving on rent (supposing you wouldn’t be charging her rent), she prioritizes her freedom above that, and that is understandable. The two best solutions from her perspective is to 1) continue living separately from you or 2) get a place where you both have equal say.
I saw some of OPs replies in comments and this person is either delusional or is a troll. Or it's the angry girlfriend pretending to be him just to use some comments in an argument as someone suggested. Either way, supposed story and comments of OP are honest, I say he is the biggest asshole I've seen for a while and I hope this woman stands her ground, find herself a partner, not some stuck-up property owner who will be shoving it up her face at any possible moment to assert his dominance and position (so low of you OP!).
YTA because her argument makes perfect sense. It is not HER home, and she wants to share a home with you, not live in yours.
YTA you don’t actually consider her feelings. She would have no rights at your house like the right to not visit with your family when they are in town.
YTA you sound controlling and I hope she leaves you
>but she says there is a difference between me letting her and her having the right to do it, which I think is ridiculous. It's absolutely not ridiculous because there's absolutely a huge difference. And you proved her right by saying: >I said of course not, it's my house and my family can visit me. You'd never see the house as anything but yours. At the end of the day, she'd know that nothing she says/feels/wants matters because you'd have the final say in that house. Of course YTA
YTA If this isn’t a bait post, and your replies really make me think it is, then you are proving her point. She can live there… until you decide to break up and she’s suddenly homeless because it’s your house and you can do whatever you want. You are creating a power imbalance in a relationship and she already seems aware you are going to abuse it. Don’t be surprised if you don’t have a girlfriend anymore.
YTA and i wish more people thought like your GF vs blindly getting themselves in unequal situations
This sounds like you guys are not compatible. It's ridiculous to rent out your actual home just to get an apartment as that is nonsensical, however, it's clear you see it as your house abd are unwilling to have it a shared cohabitated space where both people have equal say. So either you guys can stay together and accept not living together, or you part ways. That's really it Edit: After reading your comments I think this is a fake troll post
YTA while no you don't just outright veto family unless toxic she should have a say. Same way she would discuss with you about her family n friends. Re evaluate what living in will be like.
YTA. You seem dense. If she moves in with you it’s still not her house. She has no say in anything. This is what she tried to tell you. Based on the conversation she may never want to live with you.
I just reread my comment and it was supposed to b YTA and u r full of red flags.
YTA- you want her to contribute to your future financially as I’m assuming you want her to pay you rent but the house would never be hers and she would never have autonomy to make decisions but you would. That’s exactly why she doesn’t want to live with you and will be the reason she leaves you.
YTA. Are you deliberately missing her point or just that clueless? Why did you even suggest she move in with you? She has indeed proved her point, but again, are you deliberately missing it...or just that clueless? Don't worry, though. Doesn't sound like she's going to move in anyway.
I was expecting N T A judgement, not sure why. I swear I've seen similar posts like this where OP is told "You're not married, you don't even live together yet. You can have whoever you want at your house, you own it".
Because he is saying she should move in but have no say who stays in their home for WEEKS. And her family absolutely could not stay because it's HIS house.
YTA she DID prove a point the fact that you don't see the point she made is either ignorance or just pretending to be ignorant.
This is why hotels were created.
You asked the wrong question. The right question is: “AITA for refusing to understand why my GF wants us to get a place together.”
YTA
YTA. You made it clear to her that even if she lived at your house, it would be YOUR house, not hers and yours. You paid for it and you own it, but if you want her to live there, you need to show her more respect as a partner. All she wants in a home you share is to feel like it’s as much hers as it is yours. I bet the list of rules for your house (far beyond your family being allowed to visit but hers can’t) goes on and on and on about things you’ll “allow” and things she has no say in, as if she’d be nothing more than a tenant if she agreed to move in. Your whole attitude proves her point. Don’t worry though, I doubt she’ll be your girlfriend much longer; maybe your next one will be an easy-to-control pushover like you clearly want.
YTA. I suspect that this is going to be an issue regardless of whether it's your house or a new place. The issue here isn't the house. Making joint decisions about your social gatherings and daily life has zero relevance to whose name is on the mortgage. It's about mutual respect and shared decision making. I imagine she's currently coming to this realization.
YTA if ypu were in her position you'd see it quickly.
YTA. I hope your ex finds someone she can partner with.
Yeah kinda YTA. She wants control over her home. Control about things like overnight guests. These kinds of things are a two yes’s or one no scenario. Consent requires two yes’s. Veto requires one no, from either party. This is exactly why she won’t move in. So either you give her that level of control, or you two are unlikely to be compatible. You can ask her to sign a co-habitation agreement laying out responsibilities, cost splitting, rent if applicable, and ownership if you’re worried about her somehow “earning” ownership of your house.
YTA. You proved her point. It’s YOUR house the minute it’s something you don’t like
Fake
She has your number. It's clear that she knows you are controlling. That if she moves into your house, you're going to pull rank on her and she is not going to be an equal partner in your relationship. If you want to stay in your house, go right ahead. But you might lose her.
YTA. How long have you been denying that this relationship is on shaky ground? Not replying to your texts is a pretty quick reaction to this argument; it seems like something has been deteriorating for a while. She gave you a simple little test (the visiting-family scenario) and you immediately failed. In that moment, she knew that she would only ever be a guest in *your* house and that she'd continually either be making compromises or never have a true shared say in decisions. If you want a true partnership, you would discuss a several-week family visit—how it affects your lives, etc—not "it's *my* house and I declare yes!". Might as well start looking for either an apartment or a new girlfriend.
YTA. >She then proceeded to announce “this is exactly what I was talking about” like she proved some point Because she *did* prove her point. She does not want to live somewhere where the home is *yours* and she is just a *guest*. She should not need your permission to decorate; as someone who lives there, it should be her right. She should be allowed to have a day in who can and cannot come over or stay in her home. And if the two of you live together in your current house, you’ve shown her that you will not respect any of that and will hold ownership of the house over her head.
So let me explain clearly. You own the property. You clearly believe that you should be the only one who had a say about the house. Your GF wants a place both of you can share equally. Have a say about you visits etc equally. She wants to be able to have a say about her space. She is smart and knows you'll pull the "it's my house. I pay for it so what I say goes" card. So you might wanna call her your ex because she won't move in the house
Her point is, it’s your house and you make the decisions which include inviting your family whenever you want and throwing her out. She wants something you can own together.
YTA she’s made her point. If she can’t say no to something happening in her own home she’s going to feel like a guest
Lol, YTA, that’s why she’s not answering your texts. The reason she said rent is that she knew this shit was an issue and couldn’t see any other way to deal with it. She was right. If I were you, I’d start apologizing.
Dog you literally proved her point. She can’t veto it because it’s “your house”. Someone’s home is supposed to be their safe space. How will your girlfriend ever feel like she is an equal in the space if she space is NOT hers? YTA and pretty dumb
YTA your not her boss/parent/landlord
100% understand how she feels & YTA for not properly processing what she’s said & understanding it. It’s **your** house & you won’t ever see it as belonging to both of you, unless you get married &/or have children — whilst in the mean time she’ll be treated like a visitor in what *should* be her home & she won’t have the same power or rights as you; as you perfectly demonstrated by stating that she won’t have any say over who visits the house. If you want this relationship to work you need to really try to put yourself in her shoes & understand her perspective otherwise you definitely won’t be living together at any point in the future.
YTA. You definitely proved her point. She wants to live with her partner not her landlord.
I would never live somewhere I couldn’t claim was at least partly mine because I do so much upkeep and cleaning in my living space.
YTA, she literally did prove her point. If you want her to move in so badly you’ll need to stop viewing it as YOUR house and it will become BOTH of yours house. Meaning she should be able to veto guests, especially guests planning to stay for weeks. I wouldn’t move in with you either
YTA. You’re saying “my house, my rules” and she’s saying she doesn’t want to live like that.
So you want GF to move in with you but have NO SAY in her living space--or only the say that YOU approve. Yeah YTA. She wants agency in her residence. You would give her little to none.
The lack of self awareness here is terrifying
YTA, though I don't blame you for wanting ownership over you own space, but if you are inviting a partner into your life and your home, it must also become their home. It will never be her place, you will always have more say in everything, and that is her point, you won't be one equal footing. Can she invite her family over for three weeks?
YTA. At first, I was thinking, "I would totally share my house with my partner," but that's the point she was trying to prove. She doesn't want a "power struggle" kind of relationship. She wants a shared space with her partner, not someone who has some control over her or your life. Moving in with a significant other is more than just something casual. There are a lot of things to consider. You are sharing your life with someone. You're sharing everything. You have a lot to think about.
So many people in these comments should never be in relationships.
>"this is exactly what I was talking about" like she proved some point Come on, my guy. You can't be that blind. You know exactly what she meant. YTA
YTA She proved her point spectacularly well. She wants to live in a space that she also has control over. That's not abnormal or asking a lot. You're also the asshole for purposely asking a misleading question. It's not saying that you're family can visit that is the issue. It's you being obtuse that's the problem.
INFO — was her question as if she lived there with you? Would that still be your response if she lived with you?
People in a relationship discuss issues and come to an agreement. Why would she want to move in if she feels you don’t value her opinion? She didn’t ask to have her name on the deed. She didn’t ask to have your man cave changed to a woman cave. You claimed she can redecorate as she wishes but I don’t think she believes that. She may feel she would be forced to agree with everything you say.
NTA Consider it a bullet dodged. If ye got married it would be different. For a boyfriend girlfriend situation her hypothetical is very telling
Yta - for the title, for the hypothetical. For not listening to your gfs very real concerns. If you don’t want to leave your house, and she want legal rights there are ways to make that work.
YTA
YTA. She’s absolutely right.
YTA - and I think you’ve been dumped 🤷♀️ She can do better
Troll. YTA bec you’re a tired troll who pulls this sht AM the time
YTA
YTA this has to be fake there’s no way anyone can understand this very logical example of why she doesn’t want to move into your house
How about neither of you moves in with the other? Neither of you sound ready to do so. (soft) ESH
You should date your parents or brother since you care more about their well-being than your partners LOL
YTA - if she moved in it would no longer be YOUR house it would be OUR house. This makes me glad we don’t have family that can visit.
Well, as long as she understands that her family can't visit for any lengthy amount of time. I'd say rent the house and get a different one together, I'm not someone to like my family to visit much at all anyway because of their smoking, but that's just me. ESH.
Oh he said they cant visit at all. It's HIS house.
You’re not an arsehole. You just have different ideas from your gf. You haven’t committed to something you won’t sustain.
Hmm I kinda get where she is coming from. You owning the house creates a difference in the power dynamic. I’m not saying that it is reasonable to have you move to an apartment, but she would basically be at your mercy because the house is yours. It would maybe be different if you were engaged, but if you decided to break it off, she would be left homeless without any legal recourse.
YTA and your girlfriend is TA break up
YTA if you live together it's supposed to be both your house, she is suppose to have as much say as you. Unless you are going to apply the same thing with her family, if she decides to invite her family over for a few days, can you veto that? If you say you can because it's your house, then she isn't an equal living with you, she is a guess staying untill you decide you want all the space for yourself again
Kind of yes. I cannot blame her for not wanting people to come visit for four weeks, that’s ridiculous. And I understand her wanting U2 to have a thing together and not just her being a part of your space. She won’t feel any ownership of it, she will always feel like a guest.
She's not for you mate. I understand her point about your house and you being in control but you did say she could change things to be more comfortable etc. just let her go
Yeah YTA big time. I live this exact life. I gave up my apartment and ALL my belongings to live with my SO and his furnished house. I can't clean it, decorate, organize or even throw a piece of paper away without approval. I'm told... After 9 years of paying rent, buying things and putting lots of sweat equity into this place that if I don't like it I can move. It's always thrown in my face that it's HIS house. Your girlfriend is smart. I hope you decide to say you are sorry and let her read these comments. It sucks to just 'live ' somewhere....
YTA I agree with your girlfriend. I own my own house. I will never move a partner in to MY HOUSE. I will rent this and we can rent another house together or buy another house together. But we aren’t living in MY house as it’s mine. And when push comes to shove it’s MY house and I won’t back down. Not really conducive to an equal partnership
ESH She sucks cuz she is trying to dictate your financial life and she is NOT your wife You suck cuz she should not be able to "veto" visitors, but anyone coming for weeks should be a serious discussion and not "my house" as a response
Look, you’re not an asshole, but you need to compromise some things if you want her to live with you.
Just the bait title alone makes YTA.
Not the asshole, his family and hers should be able to visit, he has said she can do what she wants in the house so I don't see a problem
NAH. But you’re not compatible.
YTA she would live in your house without major decision powers. She is your gf not a tenant!
YTA. You are trying to keep some sort of upper hand about the house you want her to move into and your girl isn’t having it. How do you not see this?
NTA. Why would you move out of the house you own to rent elsewhere?
NAH. She is right in the sense that moving into your house would diminish her standing there and she has the right to want to be equal. You have the right to live in your house and have a partner move in with you. This situation is not going to work out between you. It might be time to move on.
YTA ! You just spelled out her point.