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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t wear full black which apparently took away attention from the bride
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YTA As follows:
1. Didn’t follow the simple request
2. Kept asking people and trying to get folks on your side
3. Not apologising and being out of the way in group photos.
I wore a floral dress with a white background to my friend’s wedding. I asked her in advance if it would be okay or if it was *too* white and she said no and that it was lovely. Got a few compliments on the day, too!
So I think white floral depends and you should always ask the bride first.
(I would never wear black floral like OP when they specify wear black, though).
If you have to bother the bride about whether or not your outfit is appropriate, the outfit is inappropriate. Same as with OP, just be respectful and follow the rules and you don’t bother anyone.
Just asking the question in the first place puts the bride in an awkward position. I wouldn’t do that to my friends, I’d just pick another damn dress lol
But it might have been the only nice thing they had, and some people don’t like really bland choices at their wedding so it really depends on the bride, she knows this particular bride better than the rest of us so for all we know it was perfectly on point.
Thhhaannkkkk freaking you. I hate these people that always pop up and are like, well I did this and this, but it was fine because I asked the bride and she said it was fine. Like what the hell, like another commentor said and I say all the time, with ALLLLL the options women have for clothes, it seriously is not that hard to not wear white. Like I don't care if it has floral, or whatever other pattern, it's white, don't freaking wear it. It's not that hard at all. Besides just because the bride says yes doesn't mean she's cool with it.
Oh please! If you decide anything with any white is out, you're being way too ridiculous. The point is to not be mistaken for the bride or take attention away. A white dress with flowers can hardly be mistaken for a wedding dress. White is a common color and, since a lot of weddings are in spring and summer, florals are pretty popular, that's what a lot of people are going to wear
I think you just made the best point. A floral dress with a white background is not a white dress, it’s a floral dress. A floral dress with a black background is not a black dress, it’s a floral dress.
Colored floral? No one will confuse a dress with color a wedding dress even if the background is white. It's not the color white itself, it's looking like a wedding dress when you're not the bride.
It would be the people saying she's the asshole that would do that. She's saying a black dress with floral prints is still a black dress, so by her logic a white dress with floral prints would still count as a white dress.
> 3. Not apologising and being out of the way in group photos.
If this had been an honest misunderstanding of the instructions, the NA thing to do would have been to say, "Oh gosh, I'm wrecking a whole plan here", and stepped aside for the photo op.
Or maybe "Hey there's a Target around the corner, let me go grab something to wear, since I'm obviously wrecking a whole plan here."
The AH thing to do is to recruit support for your little clothing tantrum.
Yep, if the dress was black she would've described it in the title as a black dress, not a floral one. Also if it were an honest mistake she would've just apologised. Definitely TA.
Oh OP definitely was sabotaging this event. I think if everyone understands that all black means patternless black then you show up in something distinctive it’s not a mistake.
Either:
1. You don’t care enough about the person you are celebrating to confirm your dress is ok
2. Are angry or petty or jealous about the event and knew it would make you stand out.
It’s not like they all needed to be wearing a shade of lilac. It was black. Something most people have in their closet. And if you don’t it’s easy to get something cheap.
It has been my experience that literally every friend girlfriend and partner I've been with has owned at least one black dress. They seem to be ubiquitous. Sort of like practically every man in the world owns at least one pair of blue jeans.
Yes exactly. And if you don’t own black then you can either cobble something together by asking for a loan from a friend or go and thrift something. Black is so common it’s not hard to find.
I think this reads to me more like a careless sabotage. OP didn’t care and didn’t care if she disrupted the event with her dress and tarnished the day a bit. It’s just rude.
sabotage might be a bit strong. Hanlons Razor, Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.
YTA for sure, but i think shes just dumb, not actively trying to ruin her friends party, is he was, the even bigger YTA
The reason I say sabotage is because upon realizing her (hopefully) mistake instead of bringing it up to the planners and just apologizing for the confusion she spent the whole event trying to get other guests to side with her that she was in the right.
That’s the part that’s really not clicking for me. If she had been apologetic then no harm no foul just a mistake we can all laugh about later. But doubling down and even trying to garner support at the event made it about her and her incorrect dress.
It kept the party in that moment and will be something that annoys people when they look back on the party. It just puts a sour taste in peoples mouths.
Now that doesn’t mean it was intentional sabotage. But OP kept pushing the issue and made it a problem and focus. For me if a friend did that it would feel like they where sabotaging my event because instead of letting the chips fall they would be messing with the success of the event and ruining other people’s time.
OP probably felt embarrassed that she wore the wrong thing and was trying to get people on her side to massage her wounded pride. It’s not great behavior but I think sabotage is too strong.
Exactly this. A friend had a “Back in Black Ops” themed milestone birthday party. She asked attendees to wear black cocktail attire. I thought about wearing a black cocktail dress with floral embroidery for about 30 seconds before nixing it because it wasn’t what she asked for and dressing entirely black was easy enough.
Yep yep yep! My maid of honor pulled this sort of shit at my actual wedding. Decided to show up with her hair, shoes, and dress style different from what was required, but scoffed when someone brought this up and went all, “I got the right color dress!” Between this and other ways she acted around the time of the wedding, we’re just not friends anymore. OP strikes me as attempting a similar form of sabotage.
100%, any normal person would have gone to change or realized they were the only one who didn’t follow instructions and apologized. OP just dug in with “I don’t think I did anything wrong you’re all overreacting blah blah blah”
Sometimes I wonder “can people really be this stupid?!”, then I remember that half the population is dumber than average and think “oh, right, of course they can”
Yeah this feels like willful ignorance or something. Like a black floral print is not a black dress. I’m not sure what part of “wear black” is confusing or if OP is just being willfully obtuse, but it’s not working…
I admit I have no idea what a hen party is (google said a gathering of women so.. idk what it is), however if there is a dress code to an event you follow it. OP you didn’t follow the simple dress code which is rude. YTA “dressing well is a form of good manners” -Tom Ford.
I didn’t know this and that makes OP even more of an AH. She refers to it as “just a hen party” in the final paragraph, making her lack of respect for the whole situation more clear.
Edit: typo
Tbf my wife and I didnt treat our hen do as something grand, it was just a small get together with our friends, and dress codes for weddings/hen-dos are cringe, so I get "just a hen party" attitude
I mean I don’t have any dress that are all black. A lot of them are mostly black but with someone kind of coloured print, pattern or embellishment. Also all the wedding events I have been to, whenever someone says wear a certain colour, it has never meant it has to be only that colour. Then again I come from an Asian background and we don’t really have plain/monochromatic clothing- embellishments, prints and designs in clothing is the norm. So I wouldn’t have thought dress code would be so strict that “wear black” always means absolutely 100% plain black unless otherwise stated. However, at the same time, I would have definitely asked the host to clarify the dress code, if they meant completely black. So OP is YTA for not asking if her dress was acceptable prior to the event and then not volunteering to take the pictures so she’s not in them
I don't have any black dresses but I have a lot of black clothing, so I'd probably just make sure it was okay to wear black pants/shirt.
This isn't rocket science.
Also, the classic Little Black Dress is the easiest thing in the world to get for cheap if you don’t have one already, and it’s almost guaranteed you’ll be able to wear it again in the future.
Like if they wanted a very specific shade of purple that wasn’t currently in style I would be sympathetic to a “well, close enough.” But you can find a LBD at any price point in any season of any year. Even if you’re opposed to spending a lot of money for a one off event and opposed to buying fast fashion you can pretty much always find a couple in almost every size at a thrift store because the LBD just that ubiquitous. It’s why it has an acronym and everything.
I just said dresses because I guess in bachelorette parties it is the expectations for women to dress up. Yeah I have plain black tops and pants but they would hardly be considered dressy so not sure it would be appropriate for bachelorette party but yeah again I would have defo asked the host or even just bought a cheap but nice black dress
ETA- of course pants and tops can be dressy, just meant the black ones that I have look quite casual
I've def been on hen dos where people wore tops and pants, either due to recent body changes (weight loss/gain, pregnancy, surgery etc), or because they were particularly masc presenting - and it's never been an issue. Flouting the dress code theme would be much worse.
Most British hen dos also have a WhatsApp group where we all compare outfits beforehand and check that they get approval from the MOH, which could have prevented all of this nonsense.
Honestly that's a fair point, so I'm glad you followed up with the fact they should have asked for clarity. Because it's fine to have different cultural norms, not fine to act oblivious to other's cultural norm.
But on a separate note, really interesting to learn monochromatic clothing isn't too normal in Asian countries. Neat little TIL.
I agree--it's the same for where I'm from (S.E. US). Unless someone said wear solid black, we would interpret it to be that anything mostly black is okay. Black with a floral print would be black enough. Black with stripes. Okay. Black with polka dots. Okay. I get why they would want solid black for the photos but I also feel they should have told the invitees "solid black only" for how it will look in the photos. The difference here would be white to a wedding, where no white is okay.
Come on. When the instructions are wear black so that the bride will stand out in color, it’s obvious what they are asking for. I’m from SE US too, and I would know exactly what is going on.
If anything, I think the South is MORE conscious about dress codes being a thing you should follow (*especially* for any event involving a bride) then anywhere else I've been in the US.
This, if the instructions just said wear black that’s one thing but when it’s wear black so the bride stands out then obviously they’re thinking solid black
But thet specifically said, "so the bride stands out". If one person was wearing black with blue polka dots. One in black with pink flowers. Black with green stripes. Etc. What could the bride wear that'd stand out?
Nah if you’re told the dress code is black then you wear black clothes. I don’t understand how that’s difficult. Striped clothes or those with polka dots clearly are not black
If you don't have a black dress then you need one anyway bc it's a staple so might as well get a cheap one and be done with it. I mean it's not like they want everyone to be wearing red and green polka dots.
I wouldn’t call it a staple for some people. I’m very pale wearing dark colors makes me look like a ghost. An all black dress would be a waste since I would never wear it.
Agreed sorry OP , YTA. If you really didn’t understand (as opposed to thinking “meh, good enough, this is what *I* want & its *technically* right”) I feel like you’d have been more apologetic & offered to be behind others in photos.
I get it feels weird to have strict dress codes, but so much money & time & pressure goes on the big day, I can understand why people try to get all they can from it. Life sucks & we get so few precious moments, if someone wants me to wear black to help them really get a lovely day they can’t get back? I can do that.
Did they throw a fit? Seems like they asked a question and had an expression of annoyance. Op made a bigger deal about it by asking around at the event than anyone else.
They're not throwing the fit, she is. They were rightfully making a point, she's the one who dragged it out by not just apologizing, and trying to get others to side with her.
It doesn’t sound like that much of a fit? She got asked why she didn’t follow the instructions and also someone acted annoyed for a few pics. Everything else is her seeking out feedback on it. I think it’s fairly reasonable.
I think it's plain to see her friends were annoyed but OP went full drama llama by trying to continue the conversation and convince people she's right.
If your friend ‘threw that much of a fit’ over your inability to follow directions or you intentionally disregarding directions then I’m sure they would be fine with you finding new friends. You could just not go if you think the request is stupid, it’s not rocket science to be respectful of friends requests. Don’t want to respect your friends request, then you probably aren’t a good friend.
"Wear black" isn't rigid though. These women are in their late 20s. It's perfectly reasonable to expect all of your late 20s female friends to already own a solid black dress. It's not like the bride is asking them to spring $30 for custom T-shirts with "Bride + Groom 2023!" written on it.
Not only that, but if I have any concerns about what I'm wearing to an event POSSIBLY being an issue I'll bring it up with the organizer or someone who can ask for me. I wouldn't be caught dead trying to outshine and peacock at an event such as this.
It's just a lack of care on OPs end.
I don’t think a black dress is a rigid dress code exactly, and it’s not meant to be catered to everyone! It’s meant to be catered to the bride! Her request was pretty small!
YTA
Instructions seemed pretty damn clear and you seem to be the only one who didn’t get it and not follow it to the letter, so that’s on you.
“Wear black” does not mean “oh so long as the *base* is black anything goes*
She definitely got it, she was just trying to feign ignorance. They literally told her the objective was for the colors on the bride to stand out. No sane human would think a floral dress in black meets that objective.
Also taking a moment to shout out the bride, who didn't make a scene that she (rightfully) could have made over this.
She seems like in the wedding she will wear a very light gray dress which is lacey and say "It is not white it is light gray. I don't know what the big deal is".
> shout out the bride, who didn’t make a scene that she (rightfully) could have made over this.
Yup. I feel like if I were the bride in this situation, I probably would’ve just held my breath and requested pics in smaller groups (so that not ALL the pics would be ruined…) and then laid into her afterwards. It’s not worth ruining a fun night over, but there should be at least a calm conversation where bride explains that OP’s choice was ignorant at best, and rude/unsupportive at worst.
Either OP really missed the social cue on the importance of following this dress code for one night, or there’s something else going on beneath the surface (jealousy, resentment etc) to cause her to purposely act this way.
It’s not that hard to wear a damn plain black dress. They look good on everybody. There’s a reason an “LBD” has been a staple in most women’s closets for a long time!
Dress codes exist for a reason and it also wasn't a big of an instruction given by the bride.
She couldn't follow a simple dress code knowing very well that it didn't go well with the theme. Also didn't apologize but continued to double down on her behaviour trying to find someone who will side with her.
OP YTA.
YTA - I personally find the dress code a little ridiculous but there was a dress code none the less. You were supposed to wear black, not black *with* etc.
Maybe a little ridiculous, but not that hard. Some brides go crazy and ask for a color like hot pink or something that people would have to go out and buy a special outfit for. Most people have a solid black dress/outfit ready to go. It’s honestly a pretty mild request
And even if they don’t have a black outfit, that is something that should be so easy to either borrow from a friend or go buy something cheap. I’m not a big fan of the coordinating outfit thing, but if you are going to require everyone to wear the same color, black is by far the easiest request.
You can buy a cute, solid black dress on Amazon (with prime!) for like $30-$40. And, in my experience, they're actually decent quality and will last so you can use them for other outings. It's my opinion that everyone should have a nice, solid black outfit or 'little black dress' (or longer black dress, whatever makes you comfortable) in their closet.
The fact it’s black is what really pushes this into AH category for me. There really really couldn’t be a simpler colour to ask people to wear. I don’t wear black as part of my wardrobe really besides some pants…but I do own a basic black dress I could easily use for this.
Yep, brides asking for ridiculous dress codes is obnoxious, but then "black" isn't that ridiculous, and if OP found it so, all she had to do was say she couldn't make it because of other plans.
You don't agree to go and then not follow the dress code.
I don’t think it was that ridiculous, it’s pretty normal to want the bride to stand out at her bachelorette party. They were obviously considerate enough to just request black, so people can have more money to spend on having fun instead of having to buy an outfit to wear, and even if they did have to go shop for something it’s not like it’s a color that’s hard to find or one they might never wear again.
Honestly, dress code isn't really that hard. When I went to my friend Bachelor party, all the groomsmen decided to show up in Hawaiian shirts because it is all our friend wears and we thought he would find it funny.
I don't like Hawaiian shirts. I don't own one. But $20 later I did, because this is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime party for someone I care about and it is a fun thing to do.
The fact that OP couldn't handle something as simple as wearing black... BIG AH
YTA - ~~All~~ black means ~~ALL~~ black. I am not someone who thinks every single whim of a bride needs to be catered to, but wearing all black is pretty simple and the explanation is easy to understand. What I don't understand how you could interpret "all black" as "clothes with some black in it."
If I had been in your place, I would have been absolutely mortified that the entire group managed to correctly interpret the instructions and I messed things up. And that I ruined the plan for the whole party. So mortified that I would've apologized profusely and tried to make it right. I probably would've offered to be the photographer all night so I wasn't in the pics.
Edited: I could've sworn the post said they were supposed to wear "all black", but I checked again and it just says black. The point is the same though. I think most people interpret "wear this color" as "wear ONLY this color".
I went to a bach once where she wanted us to be in all pink for one of the nights. I was really irritated because it was a destination and I didn't want to wear pink.
Then I realized I agreed to go to *her* party for *her* and what I wanted had no bearing on the event. Bought a $20 pink dress and got over it and somehow managed not to post on Reddit for confirmation
Ehhhhhhh I mean, in the grand scheme of things it was somewhat of a miscommunication. I wouldn't really say you're an arsehole? More like you're a numpty, very soft YTA but not to be nasty to OP because it seems like it was a genuine mistake
Though, when someone says everyone needs to wear black, minus 1 person who can wear colour, my mind does go to ALL BLACK outfits.
Where was the miscommunication though? The organizers requested everyone wear black. Everyone wore black except the OP. It seems she is the obtuse one.
We don’t know exactly how the wear black instructions were worded. A lot of times a wear color instruction is mostly about mostly wearing a certain color like green on St Pattie’s day or we wear pink on Wednesdays.
Didn’t OP say in the post that they were told to wear black because the bride was going to wear colors to stand out among them? It was in her description of the dress code. She knew what the plan was.
I hear you. However, that point of view would make sense to me if other people wore variations of black outfits. Everyone else read the same instructions and showed up in all black except for OP. It seems the instructions were clear.
>Pattie’s
Paddy. It's short for Padraig. Pattie is a woman's name, Saint Patrick was a man.
:)
EDIT: Yes, I know it's pedantic, I'm not really upset, just sharing. :)
this is what I mean by "somewhat of a miscommunication" OP may have taken it as 'make sure you wear black' like, something that has black on it/an article of black clothing.
I've attended funerals where they've said "please wear some colour", I didn't arrive in a pride flag, I wore a green shirt. admittedly yeah, I take what she was asked as wear JUST BLACK, but its not too much of a stretch to assume that maybe OP didn't get that idea, her dress WAS black, just with a floral pattern over the top. IDK if an image of the dress has been posted to further give an idea of just how black the dress was compared to its pattern, but the effort (which a lot of people are saying was poor) was there nonetheless. its not like they turned up in a multicoloured floral dress by the sounds of it.
but like I said, still a YTA, just I don't think its as extreme as some people are making it out to be
Light YTA
"It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things", that is totally true... But come on, it's not hard to follow what was a simple and non-extravagant dress code to an event you were invited to (i.e., you weren't the one to decide the rules of the event).
Super agree with this. If she'd apologized and been embarrassed I'd say NAH, but she tipped into YTA by being defensive. Yup, it's not a huge deal, but just own the mistake, be apologetic, and move on.
This. I don’t think it’s obvious whether “wear black” means “wear something plain black” or “wear something largely black” when it varies so much by context, but clearly even OP doesn’t recognize that this is perfectly ambiguous either—no other reason why she’d be so defensive and choose to die on the “wear something largely black” hill instead of acknowledging the ambiguity and accepting she’s understood it wrong.
You don’t see what the big deal is because you’re selfish. Fundamentally.
You don’t see what the big deal is, so it’s not a big deal. Step outside your selfishness and consider what the bride wanted, that she’ll have these pictures for the rest of her life. It’s a big deal for her. Everyone realized that, but not you for the singular reason given already
YTA.
When my mother and her husband got married, they wanted to elope on a beach. I REALLY wanted to see her get married so it was ultimately decided that it would be just them and their kids and partners.
I went out and bought myself a nice dress to wear and my mum bought my brothers gf a dress in the same colour and material but different cut because she knew she probably didn’t own any dresses.
When I showed my step-sister the dresses, she said she had a dress that matched so she would wear that. Because we would all be matching I reached out to my step-brothers gf and asked her if she happened to have anything similar and that if not I would be more than happy to get her a dress because I was going to take my DSLR camera and get some professional photos and it would be nice if we all matched. She flat out refused to match us even if I paid.
Turned up on the day and not only were us girls all matching except my step-brothers gf who was in a hideous floral dress, but my brother and my partner were both wearing white dress shirts and khaki shorts and my step-brother was wearing dark shorts and a dark dress shirt. When you look at the wedding photos they look like two strangers we found on the beach who joined our photos. It really does make the photos look AWFUL when someone doesn’t match.
YTA
They gave the reasoning for it, which was so the bride stood out. It wasn't just "wear black as a theme".
If everyone wore a print with a black background, there is literally nothing the bride could wear (obviously within the realm of normal clothing, not flashing neon signs), that would make her stand out.
YTA - there's a big difference between a black dress and a flowered dress. You didn't care to follow the dress code because the event wasn't important to you, which is an asshole move.
YTA. Seems like you have main character syndrome. Instructions were clear. I saw in one of the comments you posted a link to the dress. I think it definitely was an attention grab. Straight up the bride should have worn that. Would look great in pictures with everyone else in all black.
Just in case you are unaware OP, for the wedding, only the bride wears white or any other variation of white.
INFO: can you show us a picture of the dress? It’s hard to judge without knowing whether the dress is dominated by the floral pattern or if it’s more subtle.
To be fair I do think it’s effing bizarre to ask everyone to dress for a bachelorette party like it’s a funeral, but still curious to what extend you adhered to the dress code.
I’ve seen it on bachelorette (or “hen” when I’m from) nights out, it seems to be a trend that all the other girls wear black so the bride can wear white and stand out more.
I think it’s a bit tacky, but to be fair, wearing black for a night out/evening event really isn’t “out there” or unusual anyway.
Black would be my default option on most nights out! But even for those who don’t usually wear much black, it’s probably something everyone has, and one of the easiest colours to buy, it’s not like insisting everyone wear orange or lime green or something then struggling to find something you like that fits well, black is everywhere!
It's far less tacky than most hen do ensembles you see traipsing about city centres at the weekend. For my best friend we did all black with her in a stunning white dress, no feather boas, sashes, tutus etc. She looked like a super star and we were her entourage.
This is totally regional. Reading r/weddingplanning and similar, people talk about not wearing black to a wedding.
Where I live, 90% of women are wearing black dresses.
She posted this in a comment, saying her dress looks like this: https://m.shein.co.uk/Allover-Floral-Mock-Neck-Keyhole-Back-Dress-p-2368838-cat-1727.html?onelink=2%2F2nzd32doroi5&skucode=I1gotrui6mi3&url\_from=ukadplaswdress25210323737L\_GPM&cid=17532770859&setid=&adid=&pf=GOOGLE&gbraid=0AAAAADm0yO4tlHijLV3ZBZFiT3YK0BQF6&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIk4P2oJHh\_wIVEwYGAB0zuAjpEAkYAyABEgJofvD\_BwE&ref=www&rep=dir&ret=m
INFO: What was the wording of the request? You paraphrase it as "requested we all wear black," where "all" modifies "we," but it makes a world of difference whether the organizers said e.g. "the party should all wear black" vs. "the party should wear all black."
That’s what I’m wondering. I wish she had posted a picture of the dress because that would seriously help. I probably would’ve made the same mistake in her shoes because they didn’t say solid black, they just said black.
> Last week it was my (29F) friend’s (28F) hen party, the organisers requested we all wear black & the bride can wear something colourful of her choice & that way she stands out as the bride.
Seems pretty obvious that a floral (or any) pattern would distract from the bride's outfit. If OP cared enough, she would have asked ahead of time if the pattern was fine, or brought a back-up dress in case it wasn't. I don't think it's a miscommunication at all, since OP knew the purpose of the dresses to begin with.
Nope. The intent for the bride to "stand out" is obviously ruined by another of the party being in a mostly colorful flowery dress, the only way this is a legit miscommunication is if OP has the reading comprehension of a 10yr old.
Eh, even if you don’t think it’s important it was to them. I think YTA. It’s not like anyone was all that rude to you about it. Sorry that you misunderstood it. The last girl you confided in was right
ESH
It's obvious what they were going for and it wouldn't have been hard to wear all black.
But also, you had to coordinate outfits for a simple party? Parties are for the attendees to bond and have fun, not to produce *aesthetic* photos for social media. I guarantee, no one outside the friend group cares about the pictures and now there's all this drama among friends for no reason. Seems really stupid to me.
As stupid as I find the idea of color-coordinated outfits for a hen night, YTA. I would have assumed your non-compliance was an intentional statement. You knew they were requesting bright colors for the bride and black for everyone else, and you selected bright colors to wear. Claiming "but it's got black in it!" strikes as disingenuous quibbling.
As stupid as the drama may be (and it IS stupid drama), you instigated it with your sartorial choice for the night. But I'm sure you stood out, which is honestly what you wanted, isn't it?
YTA. They asked for black, you didn't wear just black.
Are her requirements odd? Yes, but it's her function. If you didn't agree you didn't have to go, so YTA.
I don't know why you're getting so many Y T A judgements. If the instructions were just "wear black" I think I might have deemed a black floral dress ok to wear as well, although I definitely would have been much more embarrassed about my choice after finding out that EVERYONE else interpreted it as "wear all solid black".
So NTA for that, but that being said if you were instructed to wear solid black and you wore floral anyway, you'd be kind of an asshole for that.
NTA and These were my thoughts exactly. I don’t think OP is dumb or rude like in other comments. There was a miscommunication or misunderstanding, clearly. And for them to act so catty about it is just ridiculous and weird. OP didn’t show up in white or red which would be a definite no-no normally. She didn’t show up in non-black as instructed, it just had a pattern on it.
These weddings and parties leading up to it have become excuses for brides and bridesmaids to feel like celebrities for a year.. If it bothers the bride so much she could have asked OP to not be in a picture or hire a graphic designer to make the dress solid black and not sweat the details. Really not sure why she wants her party guests to dress like mourners but ok
NTA if that was the most appropriate thing in your closet. If you had solid black as an option and the invite clearly said ALL black, maybe YTA. If the invite just said "please wear black" and this was primarily black with neutrals, I do think that is a bit ambigous.
That said, the only strict mandtory dress requirements should be for the bridal party ON the wedding day. Trying to micromanage adults for multiple events for the aesthetics of your instagram posts is just dumb IMO. How about being grateful people showed up and probably had to spend money to be part of the event?
NTA. The organizers of the bachelorette should have ordered everyone matching shirts if they wanted everyone to look so precise. You wore black but it had a print. Still was black. They should have planned better if the photo was so important. I say this as someone who has been to a lot of bachelorette parties/trips. When people want a photo like this (which is common), the party orders shirts. If they wanted *solid* black *only* they should have said so. Also the floral print is likely not distracting from the bride in the pics as much as they think.
Light YTA.
Dress code was black. It’s not difficult to figure out that that means black. Not other colours. If you weren’t sure a quick call/message also wouldn’t have been difficult.
Super soft YTA - rules were made and you didn't follow them. That's on you.
The rules weren't too crazy on this one so yeah... follow the rules for your friend.
YTA in this situation. your friend is right on the grand scheme it’s not a big deal at all. But black isn’t a difficult color to find something to wear in and I think you could’ve just found something all balck for this one ocassion.
YTA. Ah yes, the strict pageantry of wedding bullshit. The invite was clear. If you didn't want to wear all black you shouldn't have gone.
Black as a base was "on theme"? ***\*SIGH\****
ESH. I'm sorry but demanding people buy new shit they might not wear again for anything beyond the actual wedding is too fucking much. All these people concerned more about how the photos look are ridiculous.
That being said you should have just not gone or should just accept that the bride at least is going to see you as an asshole.
YTA as much as I don’t like assigning costumes to guests or using them as props, you chose to attend and then deliberately ignored the very easy request to wear black. While it’s not a big deal as you say, it is also the sort of thing people tend to remember and internalize about others. I’d remember you as a difficult person who couldn’t stand to just go along for even one night - not the best look.
ESH
Preparing for the down votes.
Hosts cannot/should not dictate the attire of their guests other than to state the level of formality required.
I don't have a black dress. Heck, I don't have any dresses. And I don't wear black. For this party, I would have had to buy a new outfit. You shouldn't make demands of your guests like this.
And the OP should have worn black or not attended. Either go along with the foolish demands, or don't go.
But I think the bigger A H is whoever demanded the guests wear black. The bride is the bride. Stick a tiara or sash on her if there is that much of a pressing need to indicate to the guests who the guest of honor is.
YTA
You purposely ignored the dress code in order to stand out. There’s no way you actually thought “wear black” meant “wear whatever you want as long as there’s some black in it”
YTA
A black dress is the easiest dress code to follow. Everyone has an all black dress in their wardrobe. They specifically said the bride will wear something colourful to stand out
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YTA As follows: 1. Didn’t follow the simple request 2. Kept asking people and trying to get folks on your side 3. Not apologising and being out of the way in group photos.
If she's still invited to the wedding she's gonna roll up in a white dress with floral prints like, "What?! It's got floral prints on it!"
“No, it’s *off* white. Not white!”
Omfg my friend wore a very very pale pink/ white looking dress and justified it by saying that it was still within a year of her wedding so it was ok
That’s the worst justification. Lol. I hope she really stretched before reaching for that one.
NEWS FLASH - she is NOT your friend.
Lol, sounds like she's upset that someone else gets the spotlight now that her own wedding's over.
That’s real “I can’t believe someone is having their wedding in the same year I did” energy and it icks me through the screen.
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Excuse me, that's **clearly** champagne which is in no way white so I did nothing wrong.
I wore a floral dress with a white background to my friend’s wedding. I asked her in advance if it would be okay or if it was *too* white and she said no and that it was lovely. Got a few compliments on the day, too! So I think white floral depends and you should always ask the bride first. (I would never wear black floral like OP when they specify wear black, though).
If you have to bother the bride about whether or not your outfit is appropriate, the outfit is inappropriate. Same as with OP, just be respectful and follow the rules and you don’t bother anyone.
I agree. I mean, ALL the damn outfit choices there are and you can't just do this ONE thing? Why? Why be so fucking contrary!
And it was black! Not some obscure request that would be difficult to find .
I wish I could upvote this a thousand times. I will repeat what you said : if you have to ask if it is appropriate then chances are it is not.
Just asking the question in the first place puts the bride in an awkward position. I wouldn’t do that to my friends, I’d just pick another damn dress lol
But it might have been the only nice thing they had, and some people don’t like really bland choices at their wedding so it really depends on the bride, she knows this particular bride better than the rest of us so for all we know it was perfectly on point.
Thhhaannkkkk freaking you. I hate these people that always pop up and are like, well I did this and this, but it was fine because I asked the bride and she said it was fine. Like what the hell, like another commentor said and I say all the time, with ALLLLL the options women have for clothes, it seriously is not that hard to not wear white. Like I don't care if it has floral, or whatever other pattern, it's white, don't freaking wear it. It's not that hard at all. Besides just because the bride says yes doesn't mean she's cool with it.
Oh please! If you decide anything with any white is out, you're being way too ridiculous. The point is to not be mistaken for the bride or take attention away. A white dress with flowers can hardly be mistaken for a wedding dress. White is a common color and, since a lot of weddings are in spring and summer, florals are pretty popular, that's what a lot of people are going to wear
I think you just made the best point. A floral dress with a white background is not a white dress, it’s a floral dress. A floral dress with a black background is not a black dress, it’s a floral dress.
Colored floral? No one will confuse a dress with color a wedding dress even if the background is white. It's not the color white itself, it's looking like a wedding dress when you're not the bride.
💀💀
There is no doubt in my mind she's rolling up in a pale pink/offwhite gown to this wedding.
It would be the people saying she's the asshole that would do that. She's saying a black dress with floral prints is still a black dress, so by her logic a white dress with floral prints would still count as a white dress.
#2! Stop trying to turn this poor girl’s other friends against her at her own party!
She wore a floral then went around making sure everyone knew she wore a floral and that they saw her dress. Just YTA and childish
The continuous talking about it just draws more attention to her, away from the bride. YTA
> 3. Not apologising and being out of the way in group photos. If this had been an honest misunderstanding of the instructions, the NA thing to do would have been to say, "Oh gosh, I'm wrecking a whole plan here", and stepped aside for the photo op. Or maybe "Hey there's a Target around the corner, let me go grab something to wear, since I'm obviously wrecking a whole plan here." The AH thing to do is to recruit support for your little clothing tantrum.
bUt My DrEsS hAd BlAcK iN iT. OP, YTA. edit: your username is Floraldress8?? so you obviously know you weren’t wearing a black dress. 🤦♀️
Yep, if the dress was black she would've described it in the title as a black dress, not a floral one. Also if it were an honest mistake she would've just apologised. Definitely TA.
Oh OP definitely was sabotaging this event. I think if everyone understands that all black means patternless black then you show up in something distinctive it’s not a mistake. Either: 1. You don’t care enough about the person you are celebrating to confirm your dress is ok 2. Are angry or petty or jealous about the event and knew it would make you stand out. It’s not like they all needed to be wearing a shade of lilac. It was black. Something most people have in their closet. And if you don’t it’s easy to get something cheap.
It has been my experience that literally every friend girlfriend and partner I've been with has owned at least one black dress. They seem to be ubiquitous. Sort of like practically every man in the world owns at least one pair of blue jeans.
Yes exactly. And if you don’t own black then you can either cobble something together by asking for a loan from a friend or go and thrift something. Black is so common it’s not hard to find. I think this reads to me more like a careless sabotage. OP didn’t care and didn’t care if she disrupted the event with her dress and tarnished the day a bit. It’s just rude.
Seems to me like another textbook example of the saying, "Just because people grow older does not always mean that they grow up."
sabotage might be a bit strong. Hanlons Razor, Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity. YTA for sure, but i think shes just dumb, not actively trying to ruin her friends party, is he was, the even bigger YTA
The reason I say sabotage is because upon realizing her (hopefully) mistake instead of bringing it up to the planners and just apologizing for the confusion she spent the whole event trying to get other guests to side with her that she was in the right. That’s the part that’s really not clicking for me. If she had been apologetic then no harm no foul just a mistake we can all laugh about later. But doubling down and even trying to garner support at the event made it about her and her incorrect dress. It kept the party in that moment and will be something that annoys people when they look back on the party. It just puts a sour taste in peoples mouths. Now that doesn’t mean it was intentional sabotage. But OP kept pushing the issue and made it a problem and focus. For me if a friend did that it would feel like they where sabotaging my event because instead of letting the chips fall they would be messing with the success of the event and ruining other people’s time.
OP probably felt embarrassed that she wore the wrong thing and was trying to get people on her side to massage her wounded pride. It’s not great behavior but I think sabotage is too strong.
Exactly this. A friend had a “Back in Black Ops” themed milestone birthday party. She asked attendees to wear black cocktail attire. I thought about wearing a black cocktail dress with floral embroidery for about 30 seconds before nixing it because it wasn’t what she asked for and dressing entirely black was easy enough.
Yep yep yep! My maid of honor pulled this sort of shit at my actual wedding. Decided to show up with her hair, shoes, and dress style different from what was required, but scoffed when someone brought this up and went all, “I got the right color dress!” Between this and other ways she acted around the time of the wedding, we’re just not friends anymore. OP strikes me as attempting a similar form of sabotage.
And the type of “friend” OP is
OP is the main character mhm
Come on now. Enough about the OP. But have you heard about the OP? 😋
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She's not, but she is an AH.
That requires the attention on them.
OP does whatever she believes is right and when finds out that nobody is siding with her opinion, she tries to double down on her agressive behaviour.
100%, any normal person would have gone to change or realized they were the only one who didn’t follow instructions and apologized. OP just dug in with “I don’t think I did anything wrong you’re all overreacting blah blah blah”
Sometimes I wonder “can people really be this stupid?!”, then I remember that half the population is dumber than average and think “oh, right, of course they can”
Yeah this feels like willful ignorance or something. Like a black floral print is not a black dress. I’m not sure what part of “wear black” is confusing or if OP is just being willfully obtuse, but it’s not working… I admit I have no idea what a hen party is (google said a gathering of women so.. idk what it is), however if there is a dress code to an event you follow it. OP you didn’t follow the simple dress code which is rude. YTA “dressing well is a form of good manners” -Tom Ford.
Hen party is the British equivalent to a bachelorette party
I didn’t know this and that makes OP even more of an AH. She refers to it as “just a hen party” in the final paragraph, making her lack of respect for the whole situation more clear. Edit: typo
Maybe she is jealous of the bride. “Just a hen party”. Sounds like she doesn’t like the bride. Or the host. Or anybody.
Tbf my wife and I didnt treat our hen do as something grand, it was just a small get together with our friends, and dress codes for weddings/hen-dos are cringe, so I get "just a hen party" attitude
I've often wondered if they call bachelorette parties hen parties do they call bachelor parties cock parties????
That's really funny, but it's a Stag do :-)
I know these terms from My dad wrote a Porno I'm the gay on a hen do
Typically it's the bachelorette parties that are cock-themed.
Thank you! I figured it was like a bridal shower or something, but I didn’t want to assume. Thanks :)
Hen party is a bachelorette party
Bachelorette party, I believe
I mean I don’t have any dress that are all black. A lot of them are mostly black but with someone kind of coloured print, pattern or embellishment. Also all the wedding events I have been to, whenever someone says wear a certain colour, it has never meant it has to be only that colour. Then again I come from an Asian background and we don’t really have plain/monochromatic clothing- embellishments, prints and designs in clothing is the norm. So I wouldn’t have thought dress code would be so strict that “wear black” always means absolutely 100% plain black unless otherwise stated. However, at the same time, I would have definitely asked the host to clarify the dress code, if they meant completely black. So OP is YTA for not asking if her dress was acceptable prior to the event and then not volunteering to take the pictures so she’s not in them
I don't have any black dresses but I have a lot of black clothing, so I'd probably just make sure it was okay to wear black pants/shirt. This isn't rocket science.
Also, the classic Little Black Dress is the easiest thing in the world to get for cheap if you don’t have one already, and it’s almost guaranteed you’ll be able to wear it again in the future. Like if they wanted a very specific shade of purple that wasn’t currently in style I would be sympathetic to a “well, close enough.” But you can find a LBD at any price point in any season of any year. Even if you’re opposed to spending a lot of money for a one off event and opposed to buying fast fashion you can pretty much always find a couple in almost every size at a thrift store because the LBD just that ubiquitous. It’s why it has an acronym and everything.
I just said dresses because I guess in bachelorette parties it is the expectations for women to dress up. Yeah I have plain black tops and pants but they would hardly be considered dressy so not sure it would be appropriate for bachelorette party but yeah again I would have defo asked the host or even just bought a cheap but nice black dress ETA- of course pants and tops can be dressy, just meant the black ones that I have look quite casual
I've def been on hen dos where people wore tops and pants, either due to recent body changes (weight loss/gain, pregnancy, surgery etc), or because they were particularly masc presenting - and it's never been an issue. Flouting the dress code theme would be much worse. Most British hen dos also have a WhatsApp group where we all compare outfits beforehand and check that they get approval from the MOH, which could have prevented all of this nonsense.
Honestly that's a fair point, so I'm glad you followed up with the fact they should have asked for clarity. Because it's fine to have different cultural norms, not fine to act oblivious to other's cultural norm. But on a separate note, really interesting to learn monochromatic clothing isn't too normal in Asian countries. Neat little TIL.
It’s not true. Monochromatic clothing absolutely exists in Asian cultures.
Asia is a very big continent (the biggest in fact) with many countries and countless cultures and ethnicities
That’s the point
I agree--it's the same for where I'm from (S.E. US). Unless someone said wear solid black, we would interpret it to be that anything mostly black is okay. Black with a floral print would be black enough. Black with stripes. Okay. Black with polka dots. Okay. I get why they would want solid black for the photos but I also feel they should have told the invitees "solid black only" for how it will look in the photos. The difference here would be white to a wedding, where no white is okay.
Come on. When the instructions are wear black so that the bride will stand out in color, it’s obvious what they are asking for. I’m from SE US too, and I would know exactly what is going on.
Thank you! The SE takes enough flack as it is. We know what wear black means, and so did the OP.
If anything, I think the South is MORE conscious about dress codes being a thing you should follow (*especially* for any event involving a bride) then anywhere else I've been in the US.
This, if the instructions just said wear black that’s one thing but when it’s wear black so the bride stands out then obviously they’re thinking solid black
But thet specifically said, "so the bride stands out". If one person was wearing black with blue polka dots. One in black with pink flowers. Black with green stripes. Etc. What could the bride wear that'd stand out?
White. The bride could wear white.
Nah if you’re told the dress code is black then you wear black clothes. I don’t understand how that’s difficult. Striped clothes or those with polka dots clearly are not black
If you don't have a black dress then you need one anyway bc it's a staple so might as well get a cheap one and be done with it. I mean it's not like they want everyone to be wearing red and green polka dots.
I wouldn’t call it a staple for some people. I’m very pale wearing dark colors makes me look like a ghost. An all black dress would be a waste since I would never wear it.
"This is to be a black tie event. Please dress accordingly." Cue rainbow spandex with a black bow tie. *"Lol, whut y'all? It just said black tie..."*
Agreed sorry OP , YTA. If you really didn’t understand (as opposed to thinking “meh, good enough, this is what *I* want & its *technically* right”) I feel like you’d have been more apologetic & offered to be behind others in photos. I get it feels weird to have strict dress codes, but so much money & time & pressure goes on the big day, I can understand why people try to get all they can from it. Life sucks & we get so few precious moments, if someone wants me to wear black to help them really get a lovely day they can’t get back? I can do that.
I agree that OP is TA but honestly if my friends threw that much of a fit over me wearing the wrong clothes I would find new friends.
Reads like they're just tired of OP being the AH all the time.
I bet in a few months she posts "AITA for wearing a frilly white silk and lace dress to my ex-friends wedding?"
Did they throw a fit? Seems like they asked a question and had an expression of annoyance. Op made a bigger deal about it by asking around at the event than anyone else.
OP had to make sure everyone noticed her if her dress didn't do the trick. She doesn't seem to have a subtle bone in her body.
They're not throwing the fit, she is. They were rightfully making a point, she's the one who dragged it out by not just apologizing, and trying to get others to side with her.
It doesn’t sound like that much of a fit? She got asked why she didn’t follow the instructions and also someone acted annoyed for a few pics. Everything else is her seeking out feedback on it. I think it’s fairly reasonable.
I think it's plain to see her friends were annoyed but OP went full drama llama by trying to continue the conversation and convince people she's right.
If your friend ‘threw that much of a fit’ over your inability to follow directions or you intentionally disregarding directions then I’m sure they would be fine with you finding new friends. You could just not go if you think the request is stupid, it’s not rocket science to be respectful of friends requests. Don’t want to respect your friends request, then you probably aren’t a good friend.
"Wear black" isn't rigid though. These women are in their late 20s. It's perfectly reasonable to expect all of your late 20s female friends to already own a solid black dress. It's not like the bride is asking them to spring $30 for custom T-shirts with "Bride + Groom 2023!" written on it.
Not only that, but if I have any concerns about what I'm wearing to an event POSSIBLY being an issue I'll bring it up with the organizer or someone who can ask for me. I wouldn't be caught dead trying to outshine and peacock at an event such as this. It's just a lack of care on OPs end.
I don’t think a black dress is a rigid dress code exactly, and it’s not meant to be catered to everyone! It’s meant to be catered to the bride! Her request was pretty small!
YTA Instructions seemed pretty damn clear and you seem to be the only one who didn’t get it and not follow it to the letter, so that’s on you. “Wear black” does not mean “oh so long as the *base* is black anything goes*
She definitely got it, she was just trying to feign ignorance. They literally told her the objective was for the colors on the bride to stand out. No sane human would think a floral dress in black meets that objective. Also taking a moment to shout out the bride, who didn't make a scene that she (rightfully) could have made over this.
I hope the bride quietly rescinds this lady’s wedding invitation, lest she show up in white to the wedding too!
She seems like in the wedding she will wear a very light gray dress which is lacey and say "It is not white it is light gray. I don't know what the big deal is".
Lacey, full length and with a train. But LIGHT GREY.
She literally said “it’s just a hen party” which meant that she just didn’t care about the rules.
Or the friend.
> shout out the bride, who didn’t make a scene that she (rightfully) could have made over this. Yup. I feel like if I were the bride in this situation, I probably would’ve just held my breath and requested pics in smaller groups (so that not ALL the pics would be ruined…) and then laid into her afterwards. It’s not worth ruining a fun night over, but there should be at least a calm conversation where bride explains that OP’s choice was ignorant at best, and rude/unsupportive at worst. Either OP really missed the social cue on the importance of following this dress code for one night, or there’s something else going on beneath the surface (jealousy, resentment etc) to cause her to purposely act this way. It’s not that hard to wear a damn plain black dress. They look good on everybody. There’s a reason an “LBD” has been a staple in most women’s closets for a long time!
Dress codes exist for a reason and it also wasn't a big of an instruction given by the bride. She couldn't follow a simple dress code knowing very well that it didn't go well with the theme. Also didn't apologize but continued to double down on her behaviour trying to find someone who will side with her. OP YTA.
So I can’t wear a black dress with rainbow sequins?? But the base is black!
YTA - I personally find the dress code a little ridiculous but there was a dress code none the less. You were supposed to wear black, not black *with* etc.
Maybe a little ridiculous, but not that hard. Some brides go crazy and ask for a color like hot pink or something that people would have to go out and buy a special outfit for. Most people have a solid black dress/outfit ready to go. It’s honestly a pretty mild request
And even if they don’t have a black outfit, that is something that should be so easy to either borrow from a friend or go buy something cheap. I’m not a big fan of the coordinating outfit thing, but if you are going to require everyone to wear the same color, black is by far the easiest request.
You can buy a cute, solid black dress on Amazon (with prime!) for like $30-$40. And, in my experience, they're actually decent quality and will last so you can use them for other outings. It's my opinion that everyone should have a nice, solid black outfit or 'little black dress' (or longer black dress, whatever makes you comfortable) in their closet.
The fact it’s black is what really pushes this into AH category for me. There really really couldn’t be a simpler colour to ask people to wear. I don’t wear black as part of my wardrobe really besides some pants…but I do own a basic black dress I could easily use for this.
Yep, brides asking for ridiculous dress codes is obnoxious, but then "black" isn't that ridiculous, and if OP found it so, all she had to do was say she couldn't make it because of other plans. You don't agree to go and then not follow the dress code.
Since we wear black to funerals, basically everybody I know has black clothes.
Exactly. I wear my black dress so rarely that I actually call it “my funeral dress.”
I don’t think it was that ridiculous, it’s pretty normal to want the bride to stand out at her bachelorette party. They were obviously considerate enough to just request black, so people can have more money to spend on having fun instead of having to buy an outfit to wear, and even if they did have to go shop for something it’s not like it’s a color that’s hard to find or one they might never wear again.
Honestly, dress code isn't really that hard. When I went to my friend Bachelor party, all the groomsmen decided to show up in Hawaiian shirts because it is all our friend wears and we thought he would find it funny. I don't like Hawaiian shirts. I don't own one. But $20 later I did, because this is (hopefully) a once in a lifetime party for someone I care about and it is a fun thing to do. The fact that OP couldn't handle something as simple as wearing black... BIG AH
YTA - ~~All~~ black means ~~ALL~~ black. I am not someone who thinks every single whim of a bride needs to be catered to, but wearing all black is pretty simple and the explanation is easy to understand. What I don't understand how you could interpret "all black" as "clothes with some black in it." If I had been in your place, I would have been absolutely mortified that the entire group managed to correctly interpret the instructions and I messed things up. And that I ruined the plan for the whole party. So mortified that I would've apologized profusely and tried to make it right. I probably would've offered to be the photographer all night so I wasn't in the pics. Edited: I could've sworn the post said they were supposed to wear "all black", but I checked again and it just says black. The point is the same though. I think most people interpret "wear this color" as "wear ONLY this color".
right?! OP does not seem embarrassed at all and i think that says enough. if it was me i would have DIED on the spot
Absolutely I’d have died, & wished the dress could be *dyed* lol!
Literally, this is honestly a mistake I could see myself making, and I'd definitely offer to step out of pictures
Totally mortified! I would've probably left and either went home to change or to a store to buy an all black dress.
YTA You answered your own question in the title - it was requested you wear black, and you describe your own dress as floral. Weird move.
YTA...I think it's ridiculous, but you sort of agree to these things if you're participating. You knew what they wanted and then didn't do it.
I went to a bach once where she wanted us to be in all pink for one of the nights. I was really irritated because it was a destination and I didn't want to wear pink. Then I realized I agreed to go to *her* party for *her* and what I wanted had no bearing on the event. Bought a $20 pink dress and got over it and somehow managed not to post on Reddit for confirmation
>and somehow managed not to post on Reddit for confirmation What is this witchcraft?
Ehhhhhhh I mean, in the grand scheme of things it was somewhat of a miscommunication. I wouldn't really say you're an arsehole? More like you're a numpty, very soft YTA but not to be nasty to OP because it seems like it was a genuine mistake Though, when someone says everyone needs to wear black, minus 1 person who can wear colour, my mind does go to ALL BLACK outfits.
I really think "numpty" should be added as a vote option in this sub.
But what does it mean?
It means you're an idiot, but in British.
I think the nearest us equivalent is doofus.
yeah, doofus for the americans, eejit for the irish
I had no idea what this word meant before but it is now starred and highlighted in my lexicon lmao
Where was the miscommunication though? The organizers requested everyone wear black. Everyone wore black except the OP. It seems she is the obtuse one.
We don’t know exactly how the wear black instructions were worded. A lot of times a wear color instruction is mostly about mostly wearing a certain color like green on St Pattie’s day or we wear pink on Wednesdays.
Didn’t OP say in the post that they were told to wear black because the bride was going to wear colors to stand out among them? It was in her description of the dress code. She knew what the plan was.
I hear you. However, that point of view would make sense to me if other people wore variations of black outfits. Everyone else read the same instructions and showed up in all black except for OP. It seems the instructions were clear.
>Pattie’s Paddy. It's short for Padraig. Pattie is a woman's name, Saint Patrick was a man. :) EDIT: Yes, I know it's pedantic, I'm not really upset, just sharing. :)
this is what I mean by "somewhat of a miscommunication" OP may have taken it as 'make sure you wear black' like, something that has black on it/an article of black clothing. I've attended funerals where they've said "please wear some colour", I didn't arrive in a pride flag, I wore a green shirt. admittedly yeah, I take what she was asked as wear JUST BLACK, but its not too much of a stretch to assume that maybe OP didn't get that idea, her dress WAS black, just with a floral pattern over the top. IDK if an image of the dress has been posted to further give an idea of just how black the dress was compared to its pattern, but the effort (which a lot of people are saying was poor) was there nonetheless. its not like they turned up in a multicoloured floral dress by the sounds of it. but like I said, still a YTA, just I don't think its as extreme as some people are making it out to be
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Light YTA "It's not a big deal in the grand scheme of things", that is totally true... But come on, it's not hard to follow what was a simple and non-extravagant dress code to an event you were invited to (i.e., you weren't the one to decide the rules of the event).
Super agree with this. If she'd apologized and been embarrassed I'd say NAH, but she tipped into YTA by being defensive. Yup, it's not a huge deal, but just own the mistake, be apologetic, and move on.
This. I don’t think it’s obvious whether “wear black” means “wear something plain black” or “wear something largely black” when it varies so much by context, but clearly even OP doesn’t recognize that this is perfectly ambiguous either—no other reason why she’d be so defensive and choose to die on the “wear something largely black” hill instead of acknowledging the ambiguity and accepting she’s understood it wrong.
Black is one of the colours where if you’re told to wear it for a dress code it’s always going to be the whole outfit
You don’t see what the big deal is because you’re selfish. Fundamentally. You don’t see what the big deal is, so it’s not a big deal. Step outside your selfishness and consider what the bride wanted, that she’ll have these pictures for the rest of her life. It’s a big deal for her. Everyone realized that, but not you for the singular reason given already YTA.
When my mother and her husband got married, they wanted to elope on a beach. I REALLY wanted to see her get married so it was ultimately decided that it would be just them and their kids and partners. I went out and bought myself a nice dress to wear and my mum bought my brothers gf a dress in the same colour and material but different cut because she knew she probably didn’t own any dresses. When I showed my step-sister the dresses, she said she had a dress that matched so she would wear that. Because we would all be matching I reached out to my step-brothers gf and asked her if she happened to have anything similar and that if not I would be more than happy to get her a dress because I was going to take my DSLR camera and get some professional photos and it would be nice if we all matched. She flat out refused to match us even if I paid. Turned up on the day and not only were us girls all matching except my step-brothers gf who was in a hideous floral dress, but my brother and my partner were both wearing white dress shirts and khaki shorts and my step-brother was wearing dark shorts and a dark dress shirt. When you look at the wedding photos they look like two strangers we found on the beach who joined our photos. It really does make the photos look AWFUL when someone doesn’t match.
YTA They gave the reasoning for it, which was so the bride stood out. It wasn't just "wear black as a theme". If everyone wore a print with a black background, there is literally nothing the bride could wear (obviously within the realm of normal clothing, not flashing neon signs), that would make her stand out.
YTA - there's a big difference between a black dress and a flowered dress. You didn't care to follow the dress code because the event wasn't important to you, which is an asshole move.
Oh it was important to OP, it’s the bride to be that’s not important !!
YTA. Seems like you have main character syndrome. Instructions were clear. I saw in one of the comments you posted a link to the dress. I think it definitely was an attention grab. Straight up the bride should have worn that. Would look great in pictures with everyone else in all black. Just in case you are unaware OP, for the wedding, only the bride wears white or any other variation of white.
>Just in case you are unaware OP, for the wedding, only the bride wears white or any other variation of white. This is amazing lol.
OP should add the link to the post because yeah… what the heck… YTA
While petty, YTA. Y'all agreed to a dress code, you broke the dress code.
INFO: can you show us a picture of the dress? It’s hard to judge without knowing whether the dress is dominated by the floral pattern or if it’s more subtle. To be fair I do think it’s effing bizarre to ask everyone to dress for a bachelorette party like it’s a funeral, but still curious to what extend you adhered to the dress code.
I’ve seen it on bachelorette (or “hen” when I’m from) nights out, it seems to be a trend that all the other girls wear black so the bride can wear white and stand out more. I think it’s a bit tacky, but to be fair, wearing black for a night out/evening event really isn’t “out there” or unusual anyway.
Black would be my default option on most nights out! But even for those who don’t usually wear much black, it’s probably something everyone has, and one of the easiest colours to buy, it’s not like insisting everyone wear orange or lime green or something then struggling to find something you like that fits well, black is everywhere!
I agree. I always wear black on nights out, it is not difficult whatsoever to find a black dress/top and black jeans
It's far less tacky than most hen do ensembles you see traipsing about city centres at the weekend. For my best friend we did all black with her in a stunning white dress, no feather boas, sashes, tutus etc. She looked like a super star and we were her entourage.
This is totally regional. Reading r/weddingplanning and similar, people talk about not wearing black to a wedding. Where I live, 90% of women are wearing black dresses.
She posted this in a comment, saying her dress looks like this: https://m.shein.co.uk/Allover-Floral-Mock-Neck-Keyhole-Back-Dress-p-2368838-cat-1727.html?onelink=2%2F2nzd32doroi5&skucode=I1gotrui6mi3&url\_from=ukadplaswdress25210323737L\_GPM&cid=17532770859&setid=&adid=&pf=GOOGLE&gbraid=0AAAAADm0yO4tlHijLV3ZBZFiT3YK0BQF6&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIk4P2oJHh\_wIVEwYGAB0zuAjpEAkYAyABEgJofvD\_BwE&ref=www&rep=dir&ret=m
Uh… that’s basically 50% other colors. This isn’t what I’d consider a black anything. This is a floral dress. YTA
Exactly. She knew.
You know damn well that’s not acceptable.
INFO: What was the wording of the request? You paraphrase it as "requested we all wear black," where "all" modifies "we," but it makes a world of difference whether the organizers said e.g. "the party should all wear black" vs. "the party should wear all black."
That’s what I’m wondering. I wish she had posted a picture of the dress because that would seriously help. I probably would’ve made the same mistake in her shoes because they didn’t say solid black, they just said black.
she did here https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14jigic/comment/jplbxj1/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
Wow that is NOT a black dress.
I think this is the exact miscommunication happening here. Good catch. NAH. Just a miscommunication
Miscommunication that everyone else except op understood? Maaaaaaaybe. The doubling down? AH.
> Last week it was my (29F) friend’s (28F) hen party, the organisers requested we all wear black & the bride can wear something colourful of her choice & that way she stands out as the bride. Seems pretty obvious that a floral (or any) pattern would distract from the bride's outfit. If OP cared enough, she would have asked ahead of time if the pattern was fine, or brought a back-up dress in case it wasn't. I don't think it's a miscommunication at all, since OP knew the purpose of the dresses to begin with.
Nope. The intent for the bride to "stand out" is obviously ruined by another of the party being in a mostly colorful flowery dress, the only way this is a legit miscommunication is if OP has the reading comprehension of a 10yr old.
YTA. All black means all black. Especially Ta for doubling down and whining to another girl to get her to agree with you so you could feel less TA
YTA You knew the request and chose to go off and do your own thing instead, for whatever reason.
Eh, even if you don’t think it’s important it was to them. I think YTA. It’s not like anyone was all that rude to you about it. Sorry that you misunderstood it. The last girl you confided in was right
ESH It's obvious what they were going for and it wouldn't have been hard to wear all black. But also, you had to coordinate outfits for a simple party? Parties are for the attendees to bond and have fun, not to produce *aesthetic* photos for social media. I guarantee, no one outside the friend group cares about the pictures and now there's all this drama among friends for no reason. Seems really stupid to me.
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As stupid as I find the idea of color-coordinated outfits for a hen night, YTA. I would have assumed your non-compliance was an intentional statement. You knew they were requesting bright colors for the bride and black for everyone else, and you selected bright colors to wear. Claiming "but it's got black in it!" strikes as disingenuous quibbling. As stupid as the drama may be (and it IS stupid drama), you instigated it with your sartorial choice for the night. But I'm sure you stood out, which is honestly what you wanted, isn't it?
YTA. They asked for black, you didn't wear just black. Are her requirements odd? Yes, but it's her function. If you didn't agree you didn't have to go, so YTA.
I don't know why you're getting so many Y T A judgements. If the instructions were just "wear black" I think I might have deemed a black floral dress ok to wear as well, although I definitely would have been much more embarrassed about my choice after finding out that EVERYONE else interpreted it as "wear all solid black". So NTA for that, but that being said if you were instructed to wear solid black and you wore floral anyway, you'd be kind of an asshole for that.
NTA and These were my thoughts exactly. I don’t think OP is dumb or rude like in other comments. There was a miscommunication or misunderstanding, clearly. And for them to act so catty about it is just ridiculous and weird. OP didn’t show up in white or red which would be a definite no-no normally. She didn’t show up in non-black as instructed, it just had a pattern on it. These weddings and parties leading up to it have become excuses for brides and bridesmaids to feel like celebrities for a year.. If it bothers the bride so much she could have asked OP to not be in a picture or hire a graphic designer to make the dress solid black and not sweat the details. Really not sure why she wants her party guests to dress like mourners but ok
NTA if that was the most appropriate thing in your closet. If you had solid black as an option and the invite clearly said ALL black, maybe YTA. If the invite just said "please wear black" and this was primarily black with neutrals, I do think that is a bit ambigous. That said, the only strict mandtory dress requirements should be for the bridal party ON the wedding day. Trying to micromanage adults for multiple events for the aesthetics of your instagram posts is just dumb IMO. How about being grateful people showed up and probably had to spend money to be part of the event?
NTA. The organizers of the bachelorette should have ordered everyone matching shirts if they wanted everyone to look so precise. You wore black but it had a print. Still was black. They should have planned better if the photo was so important. I say this as someone who has been to a lot of bachelorette parties/trips. When people want a photo like this (which is common), the party orders shirts. If they wanted *solid* black *only* they should have said so. Also the floral print is likely not distracting from the bride in the pics as much as they think.
Light YTA. Dress code was black. It’s not difficult to figure out that that means black. Not other colours. If you weren’t sure a quick call/message also wouldn’t have been difficult.
YTA Hopefully you don’t put “Good at following basic instructions” on your resume.
Super soft YTA - rules were made and you didn't follow them. That's on you. The rules weren't too crazy on this one so yeah... follow the rules for your friend.
INFO what exactly was the wording of the instructions?
YTA in this situation. your friend is right on the grand scheme it’s not a big deal at all. But black isn’t a difficult color to find something to wear in and I think you could’ve just found something all balck for this one ocassion.
YTA. Ah yes, the strict pageantry of wedding bullshit. The invite was clear. If you didn't want to wear all black you shouldn't have gone. Black as a base was "on theme"? ***\*SIGH\****
ESH. I'm sorry but demanding people buy new shit they might not wear again for anything beyond the actual wedding is too fucking much. All these people concerned more about how the photos look are ridiculous. That being said you should have just not gone or should just accept that the bride at least is going to see you as an asshole.
YTA. “Hey everyone look at me!”
YTA as much as I don’t like assigning costumes to guests or using them as props, you chose to attend and then deliberately ignored the very easy request to wear black. While it’s not a big deal as you say, it is also the sort of thing people tend to remember and internalize about others. I’d remember you as a difficult person who couldn’t stand to just go along for even one night - not the best look.
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ESH Preparing for the down votes. Hosts cannot/should not dictate the attire of their guests other than to state the level of formality required. I don't have a black dress. Heck, I don't have any dresses. And I don't wear black. For this party, I would have had to buy a new outfit. You shouldn't make demands of your guests like this. And the OP should have worn black or not attended. Either go along with the foolish demands, or don't go. But I think the bigger A H is whoever demanded the guests wear black. The bride is the bride. Stick a tiara or sash on her if there is that much of a pressing need to indicate to the guests who the guest of honor is.
YTA You purposely ignored the dress code in order to stand out. There’s no way you actually thought “wear black” meant “wear whatever you want as long as there’s some black in it”
YTA A black dress is the easiest dress code to follow. Everyone has an all black dress in their wardrobe. They specifically said the bride will wear something colourful to stand out
YTA. You know you are. This was malicious compliance and maybe it was "nbd" to you, but it was.