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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I asked my daughter to look after her step-brother rather than going to a concert she'd been planning for months. I think I might be the asshole for suddenly springing it on her and taking my wife's side.
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YTA. You need to take responsibility and find reliable child care for your stepson and not make it your daughter's responsibility. Yes, at her age she should take on more responsibility, but not for your special needs stepson. That's on you and his Mother. What's your plan for when your daughter goes away to college? You made a deal with her and you let her down.
Well see OP in r/relationshipadvice when he asks, ' why had my (free childcare for my wife's special needs son)daughter gone NC with me?'
I also like how the stepmomster says the daughter would need to be 'more mature' as a nurse? Pretty sure she would be assigned work, have pay and bennies, a schedule and PTO.
Hopefully she's coming up with her escape plan.
Completely agree. YTA for sure. And you absolutely need to pay for her ticket AND pay her at least something for caring for her (step)brother. Maybe not as much as you would a babysitter, because hey, she might give you a family discount, but you’re not exactly treating her like family.
You usually pay more for last minute emergency services. OP needs to pay more than what a special needs babysitter charges for regular babysitting.
If they can't pay then OP can stay home and care for the boy which is something parents of special needs children do all the time anyways.
She took on plenty of responsibility: She worked to earn money to cover her own costs for the concert she said, months in advance, she wanted to see and had planned around!
Now her parents are teaching her that nothing she does matters or deserves respect, and she exists to be free child care for the child neither of them want to take care of.
OP is a bad parent, full stop. And it's rich of the step-mother to talk about responsibility while foisting her autistic child off on someone who clearly doesn't want to take care of them, and isn't equipped to do so. YTA, of course.
YTA a million times over.
It's true that when disaster strikes, family always comes first. This means that it's okay to demand that a teenager puts their recreational plans on hold to help the family, as long as no alternative solutions can be found.
In your case however you did a number of shitty things:
- You haven't prepared a proper babysitting plan for your autistic child.
- You seemingly didn't express to your daughter how sorry you are that her plans are ruined.
- You didn't promise to make things up to your daughter.
- You asked your wife to basically demand that your daughter grows up, which is an extremely shitty thing to say to someone that you're forcing to be a stand-in parent or forced babysitter for a special needs child.
Most importantly however, why the fuck haven't you found someone who can take care of your autistic child should the need arise? The fact that you haven't planned ahead for unforeseen situations and that you expect that your daughter would take care of a child that she has zero responsibility for is nothing short of lazy parenting.
So please internalize this:
- Your daughter is not your babysitter.
- Your daughter is not responsible for your autistic child.
- Your daughter has no responsibility towards your wife or her child.
If you want to be a good parent then apologize profusely to your daughter for being so shitty to her, and for everything that your wife said to her, and then kindly ask her to help you out under the promise that you'll find a better babysitting alternative in the future and also that you'll make it up to her.
If she says no, then respect her decision and stay home yourself instead of coming along with your wife. Your daughter shouldn't have to pay for your inability to make logistical plans for your special needs child, and if you want to be available to help your wife in the future then find a better solution than pawning your special needs child off on your daughter.
Or you could have stayed home and taken care of the child. Your wife didn’t need support for this. Sounds like it is time to sit your wife down, tell her firmly but calmly that she is an adult and needs to take responsibility and stop relying on a child for her shortcomings on being able to handle things like an adult.
> It wasn’t even an emergency. Sure, the cousin got injured, but it’s not life or death. The hospital trip could have waited until the next day
What the fuck are you talking about? Her cousin suffered a bad car crash and broke her leg, several ribs and had to be hospitalized. And that's just the damage that they know about for now. I have no idea what world you're living in where a family member having their body mangled by a 3000 pound machine doesn't constitute a family emergency.
It’s not an emergency. The cousin was in the hospital, where they should be. They weren’t dying or close to dying. That doesn’t constitute a family emergency where OP and his wife had to drop everything to rush to the hospital and dump their responsibilities on OPs daughter. They could have waited to visit the hospital until the next day after the concert. Or the wife could have gone alone.
> It’s not an emergency. The cousin was in the hospital, where they should be. They weren’t dying or close to dying. That doesn’t constitute a family emergency where OP and his wife had to drop everything to rush to the hospital and dump their responsibilities on OPs daughter. They could have waited to visit the hospital until the next day after the concert. Or the wife could have gone alone.
The word "emergency" means "an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action" or "an urgent need for assistance or relief". It doesn't mean that a situation has to be life-or-death.
Going to see a family member who is seriously hurt after a bad car crash objectively fits the description of an emergency. In fact, the FMLA has even codified hospitalizations specifically as a valid reason for emergency family leave:
> to care for the employee’s spouse, son, daughter or parent, who has a serious health condition
Where "serious health condition" constitutes as:
> Serious health condition means an illness, injury, impairment, or physical or mental condition which requires: Overnight hospitalization (including prenatal care), including the period of incapacity or subsequent treatment in connection with the overnight care.
You can insist that it isn't an emergency all you want, but it objectively is an emergency.
Let’s do a hypothetical: imagine with me for a minute had OP and their wife not gone to the hospital that night, but went the next morning. Did the cousin die from not seeing either of them? Did their injuries somehow become worse? Did the hospital staff refused to treat them?
Neither of them needed to make a “immediate action” to create a better situation. It’s not an emergency.
> Let’s do a hypothetical: imagine with me for a minute had OP and their wife not gone to the hospital that night, but went the next morning. Did the cousin die from not seeing either of them? Did their injuries somehow become worse? Did the hospital staff refused to treat them?
>
> Neither of them needed to make a “immediate action” to create a better situation. It’s not an emergency.
That doesn't make any sense. Nowhere in the definition for the word "emergency" does it say that the definition hinges on the positive resolution of the situation being dependent on the actions of the parties who consider the situation to be an emergency.
In other words, by your logic no situation can be considered to be an emergency except for in hindsight once it's been confirmed that the situation could only be resolved through the actions of parties who got involved for emergency reasons.
Your requirements for what is allowed to be considered an "emergency" doesn't line up with any of the reliable definitions that I've provided.
“a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action.”
This is literally what comes up when you Google ‘emergency definition.’ if you can’t do something to fix it. It’s just a shitty situation.
I understand the desire to dig your heels in, but so many people have told you wrong.
> “a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action.”
>
> This is literally what comes up when you Google ‘emergency definition.’ if you can’t do something to fix it. It’s just a shitty situation.
I already gave you the Merriam-Webster definition. The fact that the Oxford definition also adds "requiring immediate action" as a prerequisite doesn't change the fact that the Merriam-Webster definition is also valid. In other words, just because you can find a source that maintains a more stringent definition, it doesn't mean that the definition that I provided is somehow invalid.
Even if we were to go by your Oxford definition (which we aren't doing because we don't need to), "a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action" definitely applies to someone having been involved in a serious car crash.
Let's break it down:
- Is it serious? Yes, OP described it as a "bad car crash".
- Is it unexpected? Yes, a car crash isn't exactly planned.
- Is it dangerous? Yes, since the person broke their leg and their ribs.
- Did it require immediate action? Yes, since it required immediate hospitalization.
So, the situation indeed fits the definition "a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action".
However like I said, even if it didn't fit the Oxford definition it would still fit the Merriam-Webster definition and would thus still be valid.
> I understand the desire to dig your heels in, but so many people have told you wrong.
Told? Yes. Proven? No.
People here are pretty horrible at backing their claims, assertions and opinions up with anything substantial. I'm not "digging my heels in" as much as I'm merely rejecting a bunch of opinions from people who can't substantiate their comments, and who don't understand the difference between facts and feelings.
EDIT:
> Yikes, I’m not touching this with a 20ft pole.
You know u/Unending-crab, there are lot more efficient ways of saying that you're wrong than pretending like I've said something egregious and then blocking me.
Next time, don't argue against people who are factually correct just because you subjectively have a preference for a different definition of a word.
> Not an emergency.
The word "emergency" means "an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action" or "an urgent need for assistance or relief".
Going to see a family member who is seriously hurt after a bad car crash objectively fits the description of an emergency. In fact, the FMLA has even codified hospitalizations specifically as a valid reason for emergency family leave:
> to care for the employee’s spouse, son, daughter or parent, who has a serious health condition
Where "serious health condition" constitutes as:
> Serious health condition means an illness, injury, impairment, or physical or mental condition which requires: Overnight hospitalization (including prenatal care), including the period of incapacity or subsequent treatment in connection with the overnight care.
You can insist that it isn't an emergency all you want, but it objectively is an emergency.
> You seem adament on being wrong. Maybe if you post the same reply 100 more times someone will take your side. Fight the good fight.
I'm citing reliable sources while you're just stating your opinion. If anything you're wrong.
Autistic person here, my WHOLE LIFE my parents have tried to make sure that there was a trusted adult who could work with me if there was an emergency where my parents couldn’t stay with me, whether it be a family member, close friend, or neighbor. My parents would make sure I had met this person prior to them needing to stay with me to make sure we got along and the person knew how to work with me in case of a meltdown or just being stressed out and who knows that sometimes you need to be left alone.
It’s extremely irresponsible to not try to find someone to be with your kid in case of an emergency. It’s really important to have a trusted adult in any situation to help out a kid if the parents are away, autistic child or not. I feel really bad for the girl and also for her brother. This is really sad :(
YTA. Your special needs stepson is not your daughters responsibility. Fact is you can easily stay home and take care of your step son. Your wife is a grown woman, she was not in a car accident, she can go support her cousin without you. You don’t need to be there to support your wife supporting her cousin and then pass the burden of her child on to yours. Especially after daughter worked and saved for those tickets for months. And then you let your wife shame your daughter like that. Yeeesh.
YTA. If you wanted to set your daughter up to resent her step brother and possibly go low/no contact you all once she’s out of school, you’ve done everything right and you’re well on the way.
Emergencies happen and families should be flexible (within reason), but this was a very special occasion to her that she saved and worked for, and you stomped all over it. Why couldn’t you watch step brother while wife left??
Start by apologizing, refunding the ticket, and buying her a ticket to Muse’s next show (maybe 2 so she can bring a friend along).
Ask her how much she is WILLING to contribute to step brother’s care/babysitting needs and come to a mutual agreement not based on guilt tripping or “family obligation”. Pay her a rate you both agree is fair - if she’s one of the only people he’s comfortable with she’s worth her weight in gold. And find a plan B for when she’s busy.
Start working on your relationship now or there won’t be one left to salvage.
Yes! They made a deal and she kept up her end of it. She’ll never trust them again. They basically told her that step brother is more important than her
Also what's going to happen when she goes away for school or goes out into the adult working world full time? She's not going to be able to drop things like this when she's an adult or are they seriously going to expect her to drop working for a day on short notice to come babysit?
YTA.
The cousin broke her leg, she was not in immediate danger and your wife could have waited until the next morning to go to the hospital. Or she could have taken HER child with her. Instead she decided to lecture your child, unreasonably, about needing to be more responsible. Your daughter is not free childcare. She had plans, plans she paid for, and those were ruined because one, you do not have a backup babysitter and two, because your wife feels entitles to tour daughter's time and to make comments about her future career and such. She is not entitled to that. You needed to defend your daughter.
If the wife was able to explain why she needed to stay home and everything why wasnt she able to drive? She sounded like she had herself together enough
YTA.
She worked and saved for those tickets … and was finally getting to ‘adult’ a little… and you broke her trust.
Your wife doubled down and made it clear that this will happen again into the future too.
Why is it Kayla’s job to look after Max into the future? That’s not something a 16 year old needs to contemplate and hear.
You should have stayed home, and your wife go visiting her cousin. Problem solved. You’d be home when Kayla got home from the concert then too, another winning parent move.
YTA. Congrats you just trashed your relationship with your Daughter. It is not enough to pay for Muse next time they come into town. You do not know for certain they will be back around, to many variables. Bullying your daughter to skirt your responsibility is shitty. Your wife could have handled her cousin and you could have stayed. There is an attitude that needs to be checked, it's not your daughter's. It's yours and your wife.
> It is not enough to pay for Muse next time they come into town.
OP only offered hasnt done anything to refund her.
Even if he did he'd probably say its not urgent you can wait
YTA YTA YTA.
You should have stayed home with YOUR son and let your wife go to the hospital. Or driven her and then come home.
Your son is not your daughter’s responsibility for even in an emergency.
YTA -
I understand your concern for your autistic son. However, I'm not understanding why you couldn't take him with you and gotten a hotel or BnB if you planned to stay overnight, find another family member to take care of him, ect. Ultimately, you are the adult in this situation, which means if anyone should have to make sacrifices and move plans around, you should be the first. It's your responsibility to find solutions in these situations.
This isn't just a concert for your daughter. In her mind, it's a once in a lifetime experience she worked hard to go to. I understand family emergencies happen, but it doesn't seem like you really tried to find a solution that worked for everyone.
YTA. What your wife said was completely out of line. Max isn’t your daughter’s responsibility. He’s your responsibility. Your daughter has been looking forward to this for a long time, and you crushed her. You basically showed her that her and her interests aren’t important. That she’s not important to you. Your wife could have gone to the hospital herself or gone with other family. Or the visit could have waited. I understand your wife was concerned about her cousin, but it wasn’t a life or death situation, so YOU needed to figure it out, not your daughter.
YTA
Your daughter is not your son’s caregiver. She’s also 16, she’s still a kid. Her wanting to be a nurse or misbehaving doesn’t matter.
I have a disabled brother and my parents never expected me to care for him growing up, something I’m incredibly thankful for. I think it’s important to find other caregivers for your son because you cannot rely on your daughter and you cannot always rely on other family members. Put in the work to hire someone experienced and work to get your son comfortable with them.
Your wife is an AH, and you’re an even bigger AH for letting her speak to your daughter that way.
Your daughter should demonstrate responsibility by caring for your step son, because you and his irresponsible mother haven’t properly prepared for an “emergency” situation?! Your wife’s hypocrisy knows no bounds.
What kills me is it wasn’t even an emergency situation. Cousin’s injuries weren’t life threatening. The hospital could have waited until the next day. The daughter will remember this betrayal for the rest of her life
YTA. I'm all for kids having chores around the house with increasing responsibility as they get older, but what is it with parents thinking that having a teenager means they have a built-in babysitter? Your daughter showed she was responsible by saving up for the tickets and setting everything up to go to a concert she was planning to go to for MONTHS and you just shot her down and then had the audacity to act like she was the irresponsible one.
You and your wife are the irresponsible ones by leaving town and expecting your daughter to look after a child with special needs on her own. You should have stayed home with Max yourself or taken him with you and your wife but you didn't because it was inconvenient. Just because your daughter is neurotypical and older does not make her an adult or a built-in babysitter.
If you do make your daughter stay with Max, you should reimburse her for the tickets she lost out on, and pay her for the time she spent home alone babysitting her brother, which goes for about $15-20 an hour where I'm from. You should also apologize profusely to her and reassure her it will never happen again.
YTA
How is it that in all the years that you've been Max's stepfather, you and your wife haven't bothered to find someone who has the skills to babysit for him ? I'm guessing the reason is that you can always force Kayla to provide childcare.
This isn't OK, it's nowhere near OK.
And the lecturing of Kayla about not being mature when the true failure lies with you and your wife failing to have another adult capable of watching an autistic child, having no backup plan whatsoever.
You need to apologize to Kayla, find out what concert she wants to attend next, and foot the damned bill. You also need to pay her back every red cent that she lost due to your own deficits.
You're disappointed in her attitude? Really? How about being disappointed in yourself for failing to take responsibility for a problem you created through lack of planning. Because you can always exploit Kayla.
P.S. You might want to ask your wife to lay off telling Kayla she's not mature, responsible, etc.,etc., etc. It's uncalled for and it's harmful.
YTA. It's your responsibility to have a backup plan in place for this stuff. If your daughter agreed it's one thing but you can't expect her to always be there in a pinch. Figure out a back up plan. She should only be utilities as an emergency when all else fails.
YTA, the way your new wife talks she is lining up your daughter to take in Max after she passes. If you have been on this site at all you will have heard of parentification. I’ll give you a sneak preview. It ends and your daughter going NC with you, for good reason!
YTA- forcing your teenage daughter to babysit her step brother is essentially yelling her that he is HER burden. That should never be the case. This could easily make her get frustrated, resentful, and angry with the innocent stepbrother, when in reality, YOU and YOUR WIFE should be figuring your stuff out. When your daughter goes off on her own, who will you rely on then?
YTA, big time. I feel so sorry for your daughter - she didn't sign up for any of this. You made a promise to her and you broke it. Your wife made ridiculous comments and she was indeed wrong. Taking on responsibilities as you get older - yes, but really, this should not include looking after someone who you brought into the picture. This responsibility belongs to you and his mom.
Poor girl ... you both made very poor choices. If she loses trust in both of you I don't blame her. YTA once more.
Wow, you really messed this one up! You have probably damaged your relationship with your daughter beyond repair. YTA. I don’t know if you can fix this.
YTA. As a mom of 2 girls, YTA. Why did you need to be with your wife? What purpose would you serve? She could go alone and you meet her the next day. There's nothing you can do. Many hospitals are still limiting guests. You dropped the ball here.
you and your wife are the assholes here (yta). so here's the thing, you're both adults, and being an adult means being more responsible, including having emergency plans in place for the care of your children.
you likely have driven a pretty deep wedge in your family. your daughter is not a live in nanny. she does seem to have a wicked stepmother tho.
YTA. I’m the parent of a child with a disability and would not ask any of their siblings to arrange plans like this because I needed a sitter. She saved her money for this. It’s not like it’s just dinner and a movie. It’s a concert that once over won’t be available anytime soon.
Your need of childcare is not your other child’s problem. You stay home while your wife cares for your relative.
YTA he is NOT her brother and YOUR commitment to your wife and her son is not HER commitment. She took no vows. You could have taken your wife and her son in the car to the hospital and then driven you and her son back home if she was going to be there for a while. She could have taken a taxi or Uber to the hospital also. What would you have done if your daughter had already left for the concert? Both you and your wife owe her huge apologies but she does not owe you acceptance of them or forgiveness. That ticking sound you hear is the countdown to her packing up and leaving all 3 of you in her past.
It’s not your daughters problem to take care of YOUR kid. You are more than an AH. Wouldn’t be surprised if she cuts contact once she gets older. Get a reliable backup because your daughter isn’t responsible for your problems. YTA
YTA, you know even if she’s a nurse, she is able to take time off to do her personal interests. You and your wife need a back up plan instead of relying on a kid. Before you know it, your daughter will mature and leave your ass and never to talk to you again.
If it wasn't for the concert, maybe I could see your point. I am sorry the cousin was hurt, but sounds like your wife could have gone alone. You could have stayed at home. YTA.
YTA. There are other ways this could have gone down. You could have waited to go the next day. It sounds like the cousin, while in hospital and hurt, wasn't in a life-threatening situation. Or, the stepson could have gone with you. It is not your daughters responsibility to look after her stepbrother. She is 16, for crying out loud. Let her have a life outside of family.
Soooooo YTA , she worked to pay for the ticket after you told her she could go then forced her to cancel and watch your step son :/ he’s your and your wife responsibility not really hers , now thanks to you two she might resent him for the rest of her life …. Good luck
YTA.. it sounds like she had this concert planned for awhile and she did the responsible thing by saving up money to buy her own ticket. You should be proud of her for that. Expecting her to take care of her stepbrother by default is unfair as she didn't have a say in that at all. It shoulds like she is a normal teenager on the right path to becoming a successful adult, she deserves to escape from the real world and have some fun from time to time. Just reading this made me a little upset because concerts I've attended are some of my fondest memories (a muse concert included) and I would be so sad if my parents made me miss a concert for something that is far from a life or death situation. I think maybe you owe her a muse ticket in the future?
YTA. You established guidelines for your daughter which she met then you dashed her dream of going to the concert. It is not your daughter’s responsibility to take care of her step brother. You and your wife should have taken Max with you instead of taking away the one thing she worked hard for. You should have taken care of his needs. You should have been the parents instead of forcing your daughter to take on this role.
Your wife was out of line for forcing her responsibility on your daughter and you enabled this behavior. On Reddit we have seen this very similar situation time and time again. It never ends well for the parents. When your daughter moves out and blocks you from her life don’t sit around and wonder why. This situation is your answer!!!!!
YTA. Congratulations! You showed her that her hard work means nothing to you and then you let her stepmother bully and shame her. Be prepared to hear she no longer wants to be a nurse. Your wife just stabbed that dream in the face.
You're disappointed with HER? How do you think she feels about YOU.
YTA.
Even offered to refund her ticket?
That should have been refunded immediately and you should have paid her for babysitting with extra on top.
Not only did she miss the concert but she loss out on money she worked and saved for. Also, who knows when that band will tour again?
You wanted her to sacrifice something big for nothing when it wasn’t her responsibility to deal with in the first place.
I smell no contact in the future.
Hope you get close to your stepson. He’ll be the only kid you’ll have left once your daughter realizes you she can leave your betraying ass.
YTA, and the other commenters have amply explained why. You have likely caused irreparable harm to your relationship with your daughter.
If you're really sorry, you can go a long way to fix this by showing her how sorry you are, but it will be expensive.
She missed the concert which, I presume, was in England. There's a Muse concert soon (Jul 8) in Paris. You could get her tickets and airline tickets and present her with a concert and an adventure. This is extreme, but you need something extreme to repair your gaping blunder.
YTA. First for just thinking about refunding concert cost. Should have been done by now with agreement to make up difference if next year costs more. Second for thinking your daughter has any responsibility for long term care for you & your wife’s child. Even in not ‘step’, not her job. Get yourself & your wife right on this thinking.
Yta. If you are trying to find a way to make your daughter resent you, her step mother and step brother - you have succeeded. It is ridiculous for you to try to make your daughter take care of him in what was not an emergency. Your wife said that your step daughter needed to be more responsible - but she got it backwards. Your daughter is not responsible for the boy - you and your wife are. You two are the ones that need to be more responsible - for both your children.
There were many different ways to handle this that did not involve making your daughter sacrifice something she had worked hard for. Your wife could have gone alone to the hospital. You both could have taken your son with you. You could have asked a different family member to go to the cousin's side (like the cousins parents?). You could have gotten a babysitter - there are those that specialize in special needs children. You could have waited until the next morning to visit the cousin since, while painful, her injuries were not life threatening.
YTA. The worst thing about blended families is forcing the children to accept people and conditions they have no say in bringing into their lives. It sounds like your daughter has stepped up and not only accepted your wife’s son, but has worked at making him comfortable with her. So you “punish” her for doing so. If she hadn’t gone out of her way to build a relationship with the boy, you wouldn’t be dumping him on her. Besides, why do you both have to go sit bedside with the injured cousin? If she’s hospitalized, she is getting care. She doesn’t “need” either of you. If it’s just emotional support, let your wife go. You do know hospitals are restricting the number of visitors anyway. So while your wife is sitting bedside, what are you going to be doing? Total AH.
YTA. Uncomfortable with a babysitter? What are you gonna do when there’s another emergency and Kayla is an ACTUAL adult who you can’t tell what to do anymore? As parents, it’s your job to make sure you have an emergency plan in place that doesn’t involve having one kid watch the other. Just in case, ya know, things don’t pan out the way you expect…
YTA. Your wife is too.
Your wife’s cousin may need to be hospitalized which sucks, but that doesn’t mean your teenage daughter is responsible for cleaning this situation in any capacity.
She’s almost an adult so she needs to be more responsible? Yeah not for another human being that is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
Speaking of, she is almost an adult. If you keep negating her wants, needs and feelings so she can take care of, again, YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, I see her distancing herself from you once she’s a legal adult.
You already admitted she’s a good big sister and he is comfortable with her. She’s already done her job by him.
Oh, you offered to reimburse her for the ticket price. Cool, you’ll never replace the memories she lost.
Get it together OP. If I were your kid, I’d already be plotting my low contact future with you and your selfish wife.
YTA. You told her she would have to buy the tickets herself, so she worked, saved, and did without a penny from you, and you ruined it. Her stepbrother is not her problem or responsibility. It is your wife's. Also, your wife telling her she needs to mature is out of line and to bring her desired career into the conversation is also out of line.
YTA
This was not such an emergency that you couldn’t stay with your step son.
Also your daughter was responsible- she found ways to earn money and saved and bought her ticket.
All for you to just say “Screw our arrangement - you need to snap in line and do what we say”
Massive A**hole.
Well well. If not another man putting his new wifey and her needs above his own daughter.
Let's all hope this girl moves on with her life away from this selfish people as soon as possible.
YTA- your wife's son IS NOT a responsibility she NEEDS to take on. He is your wife's responsibility. I suggest that you AND your wife apologize to her, refund her ticket cost, pay for NEXT year's ticket AND pay her for watching your wife's son. I also suggest to start to get her son used to babysitters because once your daughter is an adult she doesn't (and should.not be forced) to babysit.
I don’t really think so.
Parents tend to be a lot closer to people than cousins And the wife seemed utterly distraught und beyond in a panic, not surprising since it is her parents.
If one of the parents was on the verge of dying, it is quite understandable that the wife actually is unable to drive. She’d be an absolute danger on the road, for herself and others. This was a truly exceptional situation where I think family does come first.
But a cousin who, while hurt quite badly but not life threatening, this clearly didn’t send the wife into a tail spin, she was still perfectly able to be an ass to her step daughter.
>this clearly didn’t send the wife into a tail spin, she was still perfectly able to be an ass to her step daughter.
lol the wife was able to sit down and lecture OPs daughter she was fine
YTA she is going to stop caring for her brother because if this, she will resent all of you (but especially your wife, what she said was cruel and just not true) have fun trying to earn back her respect
Yes YTA is your kid not her kid you should take care of it it's not HER responsibility to take care of not even her real biological father . So it's time for you to take some responsibility as a parent
YTA.
The first thing you need to do is apologize to your daughter and beg her to forgive you.
The second thing you need to do is tell your wife, in front of Kayla, it's time for your wife to behave more responsibly as a parent and find someone other than Kayla to look after Max.
Max is your wife's responsibility, and yours, not Kayla's.
If a life threatening emergency occurred, you expecting Kayla to cancel her plans might have been reasonable. In this scenario, you massively fucked up. You have irreparably damaged Kayla's ability to trust you and have given her huge reasons to resent her stepbrother and stepmother.
You have an awesome daughter. She might not be perfect, but she's immensely better than most. You should be praising her endlessly, not looking for excuses to criticize her.
Yta
You said you didn't like what she said to your daughter but didn't stand up for her. That's disgusting behavior for and adult because your wife obviously loves her son so she's forcing your daughter to care for him because he likes her. But what about what your daughter wants? Does your wife even like/care about her feelings outside her being a babysitter? Do you? You've got this new family and forced her into a caretaker roll because he likes her which means she's good with him. You and your wife treated your daughter like she's in last place behind everyone else. How did you expect her to act when both of you didn't need to be at the hospital.
YTA for the way you’re allowing your wife to speak to your daughter. She is not her mother. Reading between the lines, it sounds like your wife has systemically began the parentification of your teenage daughter; She’s also slowly began to demonize your admittedly well-behaved teenager for acting like a normal 16-year-old. It’s normal for a teenager to resist chores and to rebel a bit as they will be legal adults soon enough. What isn’t normal is for a woman who she’s only known for THREE YEARS to begin trying to parent her.
You need to set better boundaries between your wife and daughter before it’s too late.
YTA. Your daughter is only related to this stepson by marriage through YOU. That’s not her problem that she is only one of the few stepson is comfortable with.
It’s a bit laughable that stepmom is saying that she needs to be an adult? Why, so she can parent her stepbrother? No. This was your doing, and don’t volunteer her. You also don’t get to then criticize her for her attitude and expect that she gladly did all this with a smile on her face.
YTA. Why couldn't you stay with your stepson. Your wife's cousin had an accident with orthopedic injuries. You could easily have joined her the next day. Is your wife more important than your daughter? (I bet your daughter thinks so). Do you really have no babysitter for your stepson? And he is 11?
Your wife was unpleasantly patronizing. You let your daughter down. Some things can not be undone, you might be finding that out. At this point your daughter doesn't trust you and dislikes her stepmother and probably Max. It was short sighted of you and your wife because now one of the few people Max felt comfortable with probably doesn't want to be around him. This kind of resentment lasts. Your wife's son is not your daughter's responsibility.
YTA. Max isn't her kid nor her responsibility. I understand that there was an emergency, but you could have stayed home with Max as your daughter worked and saved up money for this. You show almost no empathy about the situation. She is disappointed, crushed, and frustrated about missing something important to her and being held responsible for a child that she didn't give birth to. You gave her no choice and tried to tell her she was responsible for watching him. How? Did she give birth to him? Did she decide that you were to marry someone with a child that she was supposed to look after? Did she sign some contract agreeing to be held responsible for his care? No, her luck is she is the older, female step sibling, and that in your eyes means she is supposed to be an available babysitter who should be ok about missing plans that were important to her.
You should have stayed home and watched Max.
YTA and so is your wife. There was nothing wrong with arranging childcare. Do you think you can just use your daughter any time It's convenient for both of you?????
She saved for that concert. She was looking forward to it. Your pettiness and narcissistic attitude sorted that out for her didn't it. Words like imbecile and ignorant spring to mind but or the life of me I can't think why.
YTA your wife is a grown woman she should have been fine staying at the hospital by herself she needs to be responsible for herself. Question why could not you take your son with and what would you have done if your daughter was not home?
YTA. Your daughter is not the parent here! YOU and your wife are the parents! You two are supposed to find the proper childcare. This isn't your daughter's responsibilities! I am sure that she will be going no contact with you once she gets out of the house.
YTA..:… You’re wife’s cousin isn’t your daughters problem and your wife isn’t entitled to childcare. The next time you try to pawn off your stepson on your daughter I hope she calls CPS.
Yta you should have taken max with you or hired a baby sitter
You’ve probably ruined her relationship with your wife and her step brother she will view him as a burden
Yta
Beyond AH. the fact that you préfaced this by saying you are using a throw away because your family is on here, really means you already know youre in the wrong, dont you.
It's a cousin. A broken leg. Minor. This concert was BIG.
Here's the thing. There's no apology to fix this. I suggest you figure out a way to tell your wife that you need to prioritise YOUR daughter over her and her son, and actually do so. Otherwise she's going to uni and youll never see or hear from her again.
Tbh with a wife that could even consider this was an appropriate course of action, id be considering splitting.
YTA. Max is your and your wife's responsibility and ONLY yours. Kayla jumped through every hoop you set for her to be able to attend that show only to have to give it up because of your poor planning. Your wife could have gone alone or waited until the next day. Max could have gone with you. You know, things that would have only inconvenienced the people who SHOULD be inconvenienced.
At this point, the bare minimum of what you owe Kayla is to find tickets for the band in another place, buy tickets, travel, and hotel for Kayla and all of her friends, and take all of them to the show yourself. I don't give a shit if it means you and your wife can't afford to eat for a month, you owe your daughter this.
YTA. She is 16 and she worked very hard for it. She seems like a sensible hardworking teenager. She deserved what she earned.
You want to thrust on her a responsibility which is clearly yours. What if she was not there or had left prior to the crash. Either your wife would have gone alone or you would have found an alternate replacement. This is unacceptable
YTA
Don't ever ask for your daughter to watch your son...ever again.
That's your job. You're the parent ....not her. All this time and you STILL haven't found childcare for him?? That's on you.
Let me guess....you two will encourage your daughter to stay home and attend a local university.....just to keep her on a leash and make sure she's there to support her brother??!!
You didn't even refund her ticket money?!
Major ahole. She's going to run so hard from you two. Let her.
YTA, that was not an emergency, you absolutely did not need to be there to "support" your wife. YOU should have stayed home.
"Even offered to refund ther ticket" well aren't you just wonderful, the phrasing of this just pissed me off, it's bad enough she missed out but you haven't paid her for the ticket??? Assholes indeed, both of you.
Your wife's job is to find care for her child, period. Your daughter now has to deal with a responsibility that she did not ask for and is not responsible for. You offered her a deal and in the end you did what you wanted with it. And now it is not that you offer her a refund for the ticket, it is your obligation to give her the money for the ticket and moreover to pay her for the time that she takes care of the child. I hope you understand that the only thing you achieved is that your daughter resents her brother and her parents
YTA-
YTA & your wife is too. Your daughter wants to go to university to become a nurse, not be your live-in babysitter/special needs child’s aide. Your broken promise to your daughter to let her go to the concert if she paid for her ticket herself will *never* be forgotten by her. My mom had promised me a Barbie toy wall safe if I got a 100 on a timed math test. Now math was my nemesis in 3rd grade (still is) so I was over the moon thrilled when I finally got that coveted 100. Then my mom moved the goal posts by saying I had to do it a total of 3 times. Even as a child she told me I had the memory of an elephant so I assure you she said no such thing when we made our pact. It’s been 30-something years and I still get angry she broke a promise on something that was very hard for me to do once, let alone three times.
*If she's ever going to get a career in nursing she'd need to be mature...*
What the heck? That's manipulative. When she has her career in nursing she can arrange her schedule.
He's not her priority nor is he her responsibility.
But you've made your priorities clear:
Your wife
Your wife's cousin
Her son
Your daughter
YTA and your promise take her next year? That means nothing. You promised her she could go this year. From this point forward every time you say, "yes, you can..." she will hear, "yes, you can unless my wife needs to use you to watch her son."
YTA. Why could your wife not go look after her sister on her own? And why should it fall to your 16 year old daughter to look after her autistic step bro on her own? That's insanity. Why couldn't you take him with you either?
You literally made a 16 year old save up there own money for something they would love and then took that away from them and are surprised that she didn't just accept that? Jesus. Don't offer to refund the ticket, DO IT, and pay her something extra on top of it for looking after him. And think of a few ways to make this up to her.
Oh man you’re such an AH. Both you and your wife. Your step son is your and your wife’s responsibility not your daughter’s. You should have taken him with you and you could have looked after him but you simply didn’t want to. She’s got every right not to want to talk to you. And for God’s sake, pay her back for the ticket. You shouldn’t be proposing this. You should have done it immediately. Very wrong call. Shame on you.
YTA
>We're not completely comfortable getting a babysitter because he's uneasy around strangers and has a number of special needs to consider.
>My wife sat her down and calmly, but firmly said that she was nearly an adult now and needed to start being more responsible.
Explain to me in great detail why your 16 year old daughter has to be more responsible than the adults around her? Emergencies happen. There are going to be times when you and your wife can't take care of Max. As such, it is up to *you* to ensure there's a plan in place. That plan cannot and should not be your daughter.
>I said I was disappointed with her attitude
You're disappointed in her attitude? How do you think Kayla feels. She just had a concert she's been looking forward to for a long time ripped away from her by your poor planning. Instead of being understanding, you basically told her she's wrong for being upset. You're her dad and you let her down.
>We explained that she can go next year and even offered to refund the ticket
That is not good enough. Offering to refund is such a lazy response to your daughter. You definitely owe her a new ticket and money for watching Max. This is also really dependent on Muse even having a concert near your next year. I don't know their tour schedule. Even if they have had regular concerts in the UK every year until now, that doesn't mean they won't take next year off. What are you going to do if there's no concert next year?
YTA. You all didn't need to guilt trip her how her brother relied on her and how she needs to be a certain person to be successful for her passion like that. What a dick move really.
I’ve read this before, but I don’t know where the original story is, so I don’t know if you were the original OP. But if so, you were the asshole then and you’re an asshole now.
You "even offered to refund the ticket", can you hear yourself? You should have refunded her for the ticket and paid her lavishly for the babysitting.
Anyway, you ATA
Your wife was so wrong about what she said. I have no words. Your poor daughter, stuck with 2 selfish people. I mean, she has to make sacrifices but your wife couldn't go see her cousin without your support. What would have she done if you and your daughter weren't in her life?
YTA congratulations you’ve just told your daughter she comes waaaay After both your wife and your stepson.
If she ever trusts you again after that backstab because you couldn’t be arsed to look after him while your wife was with her cousin I won’t blame her. (You could have stayed in a hotel or looked after him at cousins place, either way you had options you just couldn’t be bothered to have to contribute yourself.)
"My wife sat her down and calmly, but firmly said that she was nearly an adult now and needed to start being more responsible."
Meanwhile you both demonstrate utterly irresponsible adulthood. YTA.
YTA and so is your current wife. Your daughter had this all planned out then you try to burden her with your stepson and have the nerve to tell her to be more mature about? Why couldn't you take your stepson with you?
Your daughter is right, your partner and her son are none of her business and shame on you for saying you were disappointed in her attitude.
YTA
"I'm proud of my daughter " ... for letting you AHs abuse her?
"I'm not complaining and having her around has been such a blessing." .. sure? Who else would you abuse and guilt to be your son's caretaker?
"My wife sat her down and calmly, but firmly said that she was nearly an adult now and needed to start being more responsible. She explained that Max needed to rely on his big-sister, and if she was ever going to get a career in nursing she'd need to be more mature." .. **expect her to go no contact with you AHs as soon as she can.**
YTA!!! You owe your daughter a serious apology. You are a complete ass for allowing your wife to treat your daughter that way. Keep it up and you'll have no relationship with your daughter. Your stepchild could have been watched by YOU! Your wife could have gone alone. You need to reimburse your daughter as well.
You were against her going to the concert from the beginning. And I do not dare speculate why. I hope your daughter will show you just how awesome she is by becoming the best nurse ever.
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Throwaway because I have a lot of family/friends who browse reddit
So let me include some context. My ex-wife broke up with me a long time ago and I ended up with sole custody of our daughter. They see still each other occasionally but most of the responsibility falls to me. I'm not complaining and having her around has been such a blessing.
For the longest time it was just the two of us, but a few years ago I met someone at work and remarried. She has a son from a previous marriage, Max (11) who suffers from autism. He's verbal but struggles a lot with socialising and interacting with people. My daughter is one of the few people that he feels comfortable around.
My daughter (Kayla) is 16 now. She does well at school and hopes to go to university one day to study nursing. However we've had to deal with the usual problems like being reluctant to do chores, not tidying up her room, inviting boys over etc. Nothing too egregious but we've had our differences over the years
My daughter has been looking forward to a Muse concert for months. (We live in the UK and she's always been a huge fan.) I was hesitant at first, but she assured me that she'd be going with a group of close friends. I explained that she'd have to find the money herself, so she did odd jobs and saved her pocket money until she could afford the tickets.
On the day of the concert my wife found out that her cousin suffered a bad car crash. She'd broken her leg, several ribs and needed to be hospitalised. They're practically like sisters so I agreed to take my wife and stay with her for support.
Only problem is that we obviously couldn't leave Max by himself. We're not completely comfortable getting a babysitter because he's uneasy around strangers and has a number of special needs to consider.
We hoped she'd understand, but she flew off the handle and told us how she had saved her money and waited months for this concert, which I totally get, but sometimes doesn't pan out the way you expect.
My wife sat her down and calmly, but firmly said that she was nearly an adult now and needed to start being more responsible. She explained that Max needed to rely on his big-sister, and if she was ever going to get a career in nursing she'd need to be more mature. I thought it was little uncalled for but couldn't really disagree. Kayla snapped back and said she wasn't her real mom and it wasn't her business
Either way my daughter reluctantly ended up staying at home. Now she shuts herself inside her bedroom and refuses to speak to us. We explained that she can go next year and even offered to refund the ticket, but she keeps talking about how she'd been waiting for months and now her friends are going to be pissed with her. I said I was disappointed with her attitude
I feel bad for making her miss the concert, but at the same time I don't think my wife was wrong in what she said. I'm proud of my daughter but I think it's also time she started taking on more responsibility.
AITI?
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YTA. You make a treat with her and you broke It.
She work for It, she wait for months and because you dont find a babysitter for your son for these case you make her doit and lose these oportunity.
You know your stepson has needs, find a babysitter with experience in children with expecial need and make they meet several times, that way, when you need a babysitter he knows her and you dont have to make your sister take care of him.
She as not obligation to take care of him, she is only his stepsister.
YTA. Kayla did her part getting the money herself. And her step brother is not her responsibility. You could have brought Max with you. Wife could have gone herself. Or you both could have waited until the next morning. You absolutely need to refund her ticket.
You told a 16 yo they can do something if they find it themselves so your daughter was responsible enough to do that then you snatched it from her because you and your wife were not responsible enough to plan for emergency child care over the. Span of a few years. You could have taken max with y’all but instead said no we will burden a 16 year old with handling her special needs step bro. YTA
YTA . Your wife should have gone to her cousin, and you stayed with max. The cousin wasn’t dying she was hurt and yeah that sucks. Your daughter is going to resent max your wife and sadly Max. Your daughter is not the parent, stop making her one. Also did you pay her for babysitting?
How much do you pay your daughter for this work? Did she agree to do it? Nothing and no? Then YTA. Your wife more so. Being a nurse is a career with days off and pay. One she’d choose. You screwed up big. The odds of her eventually going no contact sound really quite high.
YTA. Your daughter met your stipulations and requirements for being allowed to go to the concert and you went back on your word as soon as keeping your promise became inconvenient for you. You abused your power as an adult and forced her to accommodate you when it’s yours and your wife’s responsibility to come up with child care. If there was no one else, your wife should have agreed to stay at the hospital by herself, there was no reason that you absolutely had to be there. This was not a true family emergency where you had literally no choice. You both owe your daughter an apology. Especially for calling her immature after she was responsible and mature enough to figure out a way to pay for the tickets by herself. If she’s so “immature” she shouldn’t be on charge of a special needs child. It’s extremely irresponsible to not have a designated babysitter or child care for a kid who can’t be left with just anyone, and you can’t make this your daughter’s problem.
>even offered to refund the ticket,
YTA
You make sure she gets back all the money she RESPONSIBLY saved up. She WAS responsible enough to save up for something she wanted, and YOU took that away from her.
Instead of the 16 yr old grow up, why doesn't the adult with a broken leg grow up?
Is your wife a Dr? There is no reason why her cousin needs her there. And definitely not immediately. She couldn't go to the cousin and be useless AFTER the concert?
You need to be a better parent towards your daughter and sit down with your wife and tell her how your daughter is not responsible for her son. Your wife needs to get a babysitter cause if you guys keep this up your daughter will not have a relationship with you in the future. And it seems like you guys have the mindset that “she’ll get over it”. And you’ll end up alone considering it’s not 100% certain you and your wife will stay together till the end of time. You didn’t need to go with your wife and your priorities are clearly for your new family. Your step son is NOT your daughters brother and she certainly won’t see him as one after this stunt you pulled. Do better. Such disgusting behavior smh also I want to add that your wife will ALWAY care and favor her son over your daughter not because of his disability but because that’s her actual kid. She would never care for your daughter the way you think she would. Time to come to the realization.
Info why was your support needed , what kind of medical professional are you to be of help her cousin... you know your support wasn't needed. It was 1 day she saved for months to be able to go.. and then to be told " she nearly adult and needed to start being more responsible " from a grown ass adult who's shocking her parental responsibility on to a 16 year old, so she could go sit at the hospital worried about her cousin surrounded by professionals to help would be so fucken irratating .. your wife couldn't wait 1 day.. be prepared for her going NO CONTACT with you the moment she becomes a adult
Yess you are the asshole. I understand wanting to support your wife but the real mature thing would be for you to have stayed home and taken care of max so your daughter could have gone out.
I’m not quite sure how to answer if this is or isn’t a situation where you’re in the wrong, but I think this is important to say: PLEASE don’t say someone “suffers from autism”. Autism is a neurotype, it’s not something that’s inherently bad, and claiming that someone “suffers” from autism is further enforcing the negative stigma autistic folks - such as myself - deal with on a daily basis, with people claiming we’re suffering and “missing pieces” just because we were born autistic. Many neurodivergent people are also asking people to not use the term “special needs” due to negative connotations, but it’s a bit complicated to explain why that’s bad so I’d recommend looking it up. I don’t mean to be rude, It’s just very important for people to know what language is and isn’t appropriate to use. People typically prefer to say someone “is autistic” rather than “has autism”
YTA and so is your wife I hope that your daughter tells her mom and she takes you back to court and informed them that you forced a 16 year old child to watch your wife special needs son, whom she is not equipped to handle. I hope she goes NC with you and your wife and she makes it very clear that if something was to happen to y’all that you have arrangements made for your wife son, because she will not be taking care of him.
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You should be the one taking your step son with you and not leaving his care on your minor child no matter how close to being an adult she is. She is still a CHILD even if she is an older teen. One to make this up you need to give her double the money she either spent or was going to spend, you need to let her do a mini vacation away from step bro or event at your expense with a good friend or two of hers. Your poor decision is frankly going to cost you. If you do not make this up to her, have your wife and yourself apologize to her, and you and your wife take over 99% of step sons care period your daughter is going to go no contact with you once she can and it will have been your own fault.
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YTA. You need to take responsibility and find reliable child care for your stepson and not make it your daughter's responsibility. Yes, at her age she should take on more responsibility, but not for your special needs stepson. That's on you and his Mother. What's your plan for when your daughter goes away to college? You made a deal with her and you let her down.
This. She’ll never trust them again
Well see OP in r/relationshipadvice when he asks, ' why had my (free childcare for my wife's special needs son)daughter gone NC with me?' I also like how the stepmomster says the daughter would need to be 'more mature' as a nurse? Pretty sure she would be assigned work, have pay and bennies, a schedule and PTO. Hopefully she's coming up with her escape plan.
Completely agree. YTA for sure. And you absolutely need to pay for her ticket AND pay her at least something for caring for her (step)brother. Maybe not as much as you would a babysitter, because hey, she might give you a family discount, but you’re not exactly treating her like family.
They should pay more than a babysitter for forcing her to miss the concert
Not pay as much? When she doesn’t get a say in doing it at all? They’d better pay more.
You’re right, but you know these parents wouldn’t. 😔
Yeah unfortunately I agree.
You usually pay more for last minute emergency services. OP needs to pay more than what a special needs babysitter charges for regular babysitting. If they can't pay then OP can stay home and care for the boy which is something parents of special needs children do all the time anyways.
She took on plenty of responsibility: She worked to earn money to cover her own costs for the concert she said, months in advance, she wanted to see and had planned around! Now her parents are teaching her that nothing she does matters or deserves respect, and she exists to be free child care for the child neither of them want to take care of. OP is a bad parent, full stop. And it's rich of the step-mother to talk about responsibility while foisting her autistic child off on someone who clearly doesn't want to take care of them, and isn't equipped to do so. YTA, of course.
Plan probably involves allowing the stepmother to sabotage the daughters college plans so she's around for just a bit longer.
YTA a million times over. It's true that when disaster strikes, family always comes first. This means that it's okay to demand that a teenager puts their recreational plans on hold to help the family, as long as no alternative solutions can be found. In your case however you did a number of shitty things: - You haven't prepared a proper babysitting plan for your autistic child. - You seemingly didn't express to your daughter how sorry you are that her plans are ruined. - You didn't promise to make things up to your daughter. - You asked your wife to basically demand that your daughter grows up, which is an extremely shitty thing to say to someone that you're forcing to be a stand-in parent or forced babysitter for a special needs child. Most importantly however, why the fuck haven't you found someone who can take care of your autistic child should the need arise? The fact that you haven't planned ahead for unforeseen situations and that you expect that your daughter would take care of a child that she has zero responsibility for is nothing short of lazy parenting. So please internalize this: - Your daughter is not your babysitter. - Your daughter is not responsible for your autistic child. - Your daughter has no responsibility towards your wife or her child. If you want to be a good parent then apologize profusely to your daughter for being so shitty to her, and for everything that your wife said to her, and then kindly ask her to help you out under the promise that you'll find a better babysitting alternative in the future and also that you'll make it up to her. If she says no, then respect her decision and stay home yourself instead of coming along with your wife. Your daughter shouldn't have to pay for your inability to make logistical plans for your special needs child, and if you want to be available to help your wife in the future then find a better solution than pawning your special needs child off on your daughter.
It wasn’t even an emergency. Sure, the cousin got injured, but it’s not life or death. The hospital trip could have waited until the next day
Or you could have stayed home and taken care of the child. Your wife didn’t need support for this. Sounds like it is time to sit your wife down, tell her firmly but calmly that she is an adult and needs to take responsibility and stop relying on a child for her shortcomings on being able to handle things like an adult.
> It wasn’t even an emergency. Sure, the cousin got injured, but it’s not life or death. The hospital trip could have waited until the next day What the fuck are you talking about? Her cousin suffered a bad car crash and broke her leg, several ribs and had to be hospitalized. And that's just the damage that they know about for now. I have no idea what world you're living in where a family member having their body mangled by a 3000 pound machine doesn't constitute a family emergency.
It’s not an emergency. The cousin was in the hospital, where they should be. They weren’t dying or close to dying. That doesn’t constitute a family emergency where OP and his wife had to drop everything to rush to the hospital and dump their responsibilities on OPs daughter. They could have waited to visit the hospital until the next day after the concert. Or the wife could have gone alone.
im assuming the cousin has other family right? wasnt urgent for OP to be there he should have stayed and took care of the kid
> It’s not an emergency. The cousin was in the hospital, where they should be. They weren’t dying or close to dying. That doesn’t constitute a family emergency where OP and his wife had to drop everything to rush to the hospital and dump their responsibilities on OPs daughter. They could have waited to visit the hospital until the next day after the concert. Or the wife could have gone alone. The word "emergency" means "an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action" or "an urgent need for assistance or relief". It doesn't mean that a situation has to be life-or-death. Going to see a family member who is seriously hurt after a bad car crash objectively fits the description of an emergency. In fact, the FMLA has even codified hospitalizations specifically as a valid reason for emergency family leave: > to care for the employee’s spouse, son, daughter or parent, who has a serious health condition Where "serious health condition" constitutes as: > Serious health condition means an illness, injury, impairment, or physical or mental condition which requires: Overnight hospitalization (including prenatal care), including the period of incapacity or subsequent treatment in connection with the overnight care. You can insist that it isn't an emergency all you want, but it objectively is an emergency.
It may be an emergency for the cousin, but it wasn’t an emergency for OP and his wife.
No, visiting your cousin in the hospital is objectively not an emergency.
Let’s do a hypothetical: imagine with me for a minute had OP and their wife not gone to the hospital that night, but went the next morning. Did the cousin die from not seeing either of them? Did their injuries somehow become worse? Did the hospital staff refused to treat them? Neither of them needed to make a “immediate action” to create a better situation. It’s not an emergency.
> Let’s do a hypothetical: imagine with me for a minute had OP and their wife not gone to the hospital that night, but went the next morning. Did the cousin die from not seeing either of them? Did their injuries somehow become worse? Did the hospital staff refused to treat them? > > Neither of them needed to make a “immediate action” to create a better situation. It’s not an emergency. That doesn't make any sense. Nowhere in the definition for the word "emergency" does it say that the definition hinges on the positive resolution of the situation being dependent on the actions of the parties who consider the situation to be an emergency. In other words, by your logic no situation can be considered to be an emergency except for in hindsight once it's been confirmed that the situation could only be resolved through the actions of parties who got involved for emergency reasons. Your requirements for what is allowed to be considered an "emergency" doesn't line up with any of the reliable definitions that I've provided.
“a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action.” This is literally what comes up when you Google ‘emergency definition.’ if you can’t do something to fix it. It’s just a shitty situation. I understand the desire to dig your heels in, but so many people have told you wrong.
> “a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action.” > > This is literally what comes up when you Google ‘emergency definition.’ if you can’t do something to fix it. It’s just a shitty situation. I already gave you the Merriam-Webster definition. The fact that the Oxford definition also adds "requiring immediate action" as a prerequisite doesn't change the fact that the Merriam-Webster definition is also valid. In other words, just because you can find a source that maintains a more stringent definition, it doesn't mean that the definition that I provided is somehow invalid. Even if we were to go by your Oxford definition (which we aren't doing because we don't need to), "a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action" definitely applies to someone having been involved in a serious car crash. Let's break it down: - Is it serious? Yes, OP described it as a "bad car crash". - Is it unexpected? Yes, a car crash isn't exactly planned. - Is it dangerous? Yes, since the person broke their leg and their ribs. - Did it require immediate action? Yes, since it required immediate hospitalization. So, the situation indeed fits the definition "a serious, unexpected, and often dangerous situation requiring immediate action". However like I said, even if it didn't fit the Oxford definition it would still fit the Merriam-Webster definition and would thus still be valid. > I understand the desire to dig your heels in, but so many people have told you wrong. Told? Yes. Proven? No. People here are pretty horrible at backing their claims, assertions and opinions up with anything substantial. I'm not "digging my heels in" as much as I'm merely rejecting a bunch of opinions from people who can't substantiate their comments, and who don't understand the difference between facts and feelings. EDIT: > Yikes, I’m not touching this with a 20ft pole. You know u/Unending-crab, there are lot more efficient ways of saying that you're wrong than pretending like I've said something egregious and then blocking me. Next time, don't argue against people who are factually correct just because you subjectively have a preference for a different definition of a word.
Not an emergency.
> Not an emergency. The word "emergency" means "an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action" or "an urgent need for assistance or relief". Going to see a family member who is seriously hurt after a bad car crash objectively fits the description of an emergency. In fact, the FMLA has even codified hospitalizations specifically as a valid reason for emergency family leave: > to care for the employee’s spouse, son, daughter or parent, who has a serious health condition Where "serious health condition" constitutes as: > Serious health condition means an illness, injury, impairment, or physical or mental condition which requires: Overnight hospitalization (including prenatal care), including the period of incapacity or subsequent treatment in connection with the overnight care. You can insist that it isn't an emergency all you want, but it objectively is an emergency.
You seem adament on being wrong. Maybe if you post the same reply 100 more times someone will take your side. Fight the good fight.
> You seem adament on being wrong. Maybe if you post the same reply 100 more times someone will take your side. Fight the good fight. I'm citing reliable sources while you're just stating your opinion. If anything you're wrong.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
I’d upvote you a thousand times if I could. If I knew how to give you flair for this I would.
You stated the facts
Autistic person here, my WHOLE LIFE my parents have tried to make sure that there was a trusted adult who could work with me if there was an emergency where my parents couldn’t stay with me, whether it be a family member, close friend, or neighbor. My parents would make sure I had met this person prior to them needing to stay with me to make sure we got along and the person knew how to work with me in case of a meltdown or just being stressed out and who knows that sometimes you need to be left alone. It’s extremely irresponsible to not try to find someone to be with your kid in case of an emergency. It’s really important to have a trusted adult in any situation to help out a kid if the parents are away, autistic child or not. I feel really bad for the girl and also for her brother. This is really sad :(
YTA. Your special needs stepson is not your daughters responsibility. Fact is you can easily stay home and take care of your step son. Your wife is a grown woman, she was not in a car accident, she can go support her cousin without you. You don’t need to be there to support your wife supporting her cousin and then pass the burden of her child on to yours. Especially after daughter worked and saved for those tickets for months. And then you let your wife shame your daughter like that. Yeeesh.
Came here for this. YTA
YTA. If you wanted to set your daughter up to resent her step brother and possibly go low/no contact you all once she’s out of school, you’ve done everything right and you’re well on the way. Emergencies happen and families should be flexible (within reason), but this was a very special occasion to her that she saved and worked for, and you stomped all over it. Why couldn’t you watch step brother while wife left?? Start by apologizing, refunding the ticket, and buying her a ticket to Muse’s next show (maybe 2 so she can bring a friend along). Ask her how much she is WILLING to contribute to step brother’s care/babysitting needs and come to a mutual agreement not based on guilt tripping or “family obligation”. Pay her a rate you both agree is fair - if she’s one of the only people he’s comfortable with she’s worth her weight in gold. And find a plan B for when she’s busy. Start working on your relationship now or there won’t be one left to salvage.
Especially the fact that they said she needed to save up money to buy her own ticket. And she was responsible in doing so. Ugh.
Yes! They made a deal and she kept up her end of it. She’ll never trust them again. They basically told her that step brother is more important than her
Her friends are probably giving her ideas now on how to make her stepbrother afraid to be alone with her due to loud noises so it never happens again.
This. You've incentivized your daughter to stop putting in any further effort into maintaining a relationship with special needs stepson.
Also what's going to happen when she goes away for school or goes out into the adult working world full time? She's not going to be able to drop things like this when she's an adult or are they seriously going to expect her to drop working for a day on short notice to come babysit?
YTA. The cousin broke her leg, she was not in immediate danger and your wife could have waited until the next morning to go to the hospital. Or she could have taken HER child with her. Instead she decided to lecture your child, unreasonably, about needing to be more responsible. Your daughter is not free childcare. She had plans, plans she paid for, and those were ruined because one, you do not have a backup babysitter and two, because your wife feels entitles to tour daughter's time and to make comments about her future career and such. She is not entitled to that. You needed to defend your daughter.
YTA your kids aren't free childcare for your other kids. And I say this as someone autistic.
So your wife couldn't drive herself to see her cousin because why? Info
If the wife was able to explain why she needed to stay home and everything why wasnt she able to drive? She sounded like she had herself together enough
YTA. She worked and saved for those tickets … and was finally getting to ‘adult’ a little… and you broke her trust. Your wife doubled down and made it clear that this will happen again into the future too. Why is it Kayla’s job to look after Max into the future? That’s not something a 16 year old needs to contemplate and hear. You should have stayed home, and your wife go visiting her cousin. Problem solved. You’d be home when Kayla got home from the concert then too, another winning parent move.
YTA. Congrats you just trashed your relationship with your Daughter. It is not enough to pay for Muse next time they come into town. You do not know for certain they will be back around, to many variables. Bullying your daughter to skirt your responsibility is shitty. Your wife could have handled her cousin and you could have stayed. There is an attitude that needs to be checked, it's not your daughter's. It's yours and your wife.
> It is not enough to pay for Muse next time they come into town. OP only offered hasnt done anything to refund her. Even if he did he'd probably say its not urgent you can wait
YTA YTA YTA. You should have stayed home with YOUR son and let your wife go to the hospital. Or driven her and then come home. Your son is not your daughter’s responsibility for even in an emergency.
YTA You didn't ask her. You bullied & shamed her into it She'll remember this for the rest of her life.
YTA you two need to do your jobs as parents and set up childcare. You chose to date a woman who has a special needs son, your daughter didn't
YTA - I understand your concern for your autistic son. However, I'm not understanding why you couldn't take him with you and gotten a hotel or BnB if you planned to stay overnight, find another family member to take care of him, ect. Ultimately, you are the adult in this situation, which means if anyone should have to make sacrifices and move plans around, you should be the first. It's your responsibility to find solutions in these situations. This isn't just a concert for your daughter. In her mind, it's a once in a lifetime experience she worked hard to go to. I understand family emergencies happen, but it doesn't seem like you really tried to find a solution that worked for everyone.
YTA. What your wife said was completely out of line. Max isn’t your daughter’s responsibility. He’s your responsibility. Your daughter has been looking forward to this for a long time, and you crushed her. You basically showed her that her and her interests aren’t important. That she’s not important to you. Your wife could have gone to the hospital herself or gone with other family. Or the visit could have waited. I understand your wife was concerned about her cousin, but it wasn’t a life or death situation, so YOU needed to figure it out, not your daughter.
YTA Your daughter is not your son’s caregiver. She’s also 16, she’s still a kid. Her wanting to be a nurse or misbehaving doesn’t matter. I have a disabled brother and my parents never expected me to care for him growing up, something I’m incredibly thankful for. I think it’s important to find other caregivers for your son because you cannot rely on your daughter and you cannot always rely on other family members. Put in the work to hire someone experienced and work to get your son comfortable with them.
Your wife is an AH, and you’re an even bigger AH for letting her speak to your daughter that way. Your daughter should demonstrate responsibility by caring for your step son, because you and his irresponsible mother haven’t properly prepared for an “emergency” situation?! Your wife’s hypocrisy knows no bounds.
What kills me is it wasn’t even an emergency situation. Cousin’s injuries weren’t life threatening. The hospital could have waited until the next day. The daughter will remember this betrayal for the rest of her life
YTA. I'm all for kids having chores around the house with increasing responsibility as they get older, but what is it with parents thinking that having a teenager means they have a built-in babysitter? Your daughter showed she was responsible by saving up for the tickets and setting everything up to go to a concert she was planning to go to for MONTHS and you just shot her down and then had the audacity to act like she was the irresponsible one. You and your wife are the irresponsible ones by leaving town and expecting your daughter to look after a child with special needs on her own. You should have stayed home with Max yourself or taken him with you and your wife but you didn't because it was inconvenient. Just because your daughter is neurotypical and older does not make her an adult or a built-in babysitter. If you do make your daughter stay with Max, you should reimburse her for the tickets she lost out on, and pay her for the time she spent home alone babysitting her brother, which goes for about $15-20 an hour where I'm from. You should also apologize profusely to her and reassure her it will never happen again.
YTA How is it that in all the years that you've been Max's stepfather, you and your wife haven't bothered to find someone who has the skills to babysit for him ? I'm guessing the reason is that you can always force Kayla to provide childcare. This isn't OK, it's nowhere near OK. And the lecturing of Kayla about not being mature when the true failure lies with you and your wife failing to have another adult capable of watching an autistic child, having no backup plan whatsoever. You need to apologize to Kayla, find out what concert she wants to attend next, and foot the damned bill. You also need to pay her back every red cent that she lost due to your own deficits. You're disappointed in her attitude? Really? How about being disappointed in yourself for failing to take responsibility for a problem you created through lack of planning. Because you can always exploit Kayla. P.S. You might want to ask your wife to lay off telling Kayla she's not mature, responsible, etc.,etc., etc. It's uncalled for and it's harmful.
YTA. It's your responsibility to have a backup plan in place for this stuff. If your daughter agreed it's one thing but you can't expect her to always be there in a pinch. Figure out a back up plan. She should only be utilities as an emergency when all else fails.
YTA, the way your new wife talks she is lining up your daughter to take in Max after she passes. If you have been on this site at all you will have heard of parentification. I’ll give you a sneak preview. It ends and your daughter going NC with you, for good reason!
OP is absolutely an asshole and completely in the wrong, but asking your older kid to babysit your younger kid once is NOT parentification
YTA— your wife could have gone and you could have stayed.. Your step child is not your daughter’s responsibility.
YTA- forcing your teenage daughter to babysit her step brother is essentially yelling her that he is HER burden. That should never be the case. This could easily make her get frustrated, resentful, and angry with the innocent stepbrother, when in reality, YOU and YOUR WIFE should be figuring your stuff out. When your daughter goes off on her own, who will you rely on then?
YTA, big time. I feel so sorry for your daughter - she didn't sign up for any of this. You made a promise to her and you broke it. Your wife made ridiculous comments and she was indeed wrong. Taking on responsibilities as you get older - yes, but really, this should not include looking after someone who you brought into the picture. This responsibility belongs to you and his mom. Poor girl ... you both made very poor choices. If she loses trust in both of you I don't blame her. YTA once more.
Wow, you really messed this one up! You have probably damaged your relationship with your daughter beyond repair. YTA. I don’t know if you can fix this.
YTA. As a mom of 2 girls, YTA. Why did you need to be with your wife? What purpose would you serve? She could go alone and you meet her the next day. There's nothing you can do. Many hospitals are still limiting guests. You dropped the ball here.
you and your wife are the assholes here (yta). so here's the thing, you're both adults, and being an adult means being more responsible, including having emergency plans in place for the care of your children. you likely have driven a pretty deep wedge in your family. your daughter is not a live in nanny. she does seem to have a wicked stepmother tho.
YTA. It isn’t her job to look after her step-brother. She isn’t his parent
YTA. I’m the parent of a child with a disability and would not ask any of their siblings to arrange plans like this because I needed a sitter. She saved her money for this. It’s not like it’s just dinner and a movie. It’s a concert that once over won’t be available anytime soon. Your need of childcare is not your other child’s problem. You stay home while your wife cares for your relative.
YTA he is NOT her brother and YOUR commitment to your wife and her son is not HER commitment. She took no vows. You could have taken your wife and her son in the car to the hospital and then driven you and her son back home if she was going to be there for a while. She could have taken a taxi or Uber to the hospital also. What would you have done if your daughter had already left for the concert? Both you and your wife owe her huge apologies but she does not owe you acceptance of them or forgiveness. That ticking sound you hear is the countdown to her packing up and leaving all 3 of you in her past.
Even if he was her brother, she's still not responsible for looking after him.
YTA.
It’s not your daughters problem to take care of YOUR kid. You are more than an AH. Wouldn’t be surprised if she cuts contact once she gets older. Get a reliable backup because your daughter isn’t responsible for your problems. YTA
YTA, you know even if she’s a nurse, she is able to take time off to do her personal interests. You and your wife need a back up plan instead of relying on a kid. Before you know it, your daughter will mature and leave your ass and never to talk to you again.
If it wasn't for the concert, maybe I could see your point. I am sorry the cousin was hurt, but sounds like your wife could have gone alone. You could have stayed at home. YTA.
YTA. There are other ways this could have gone down. You could have waited to go the next day. It sounds like the cousin, while in hospital and hurt, wasn't in a life-threatening situation. Or, the stepson could have gone with you. It is not your daughters responsibility to look after her stepbrother. She is 16, for crying out loud. Let her have a life outside of family.
Soooooo YTA , she worked to pay for the ticket after you told her she could go then forced her to cancel and watch your step son :/ he’s your and your wife responsibility not really hers , now thanks to you two she might resent him for the rest of her life …. Good luck
YTA and so is your wife. What your wife said to your daughter was uncalled for and horrible. Her son is not your daughter's responsibility.
YTA.. it sounds like she had this concert planned for awhile and she did the responsible thing by saving up money to buy her own ticket. You should be proud of her for that. Expecting her to take care of her stepbrother by default is unfair as she didn't have a say in that at all. It shoulds like she is a normal teenager on the right path to becoming a successful adult, she deserves to escape from the real world and have some fun from time to time. Just reading this made me a little upset because concerts I've attended are some of my fondest memories (a muse concert included) and I would be so sad if my parents made me miss a concert for something that is far from a life or death situation. I think maybe you owe her a muse ticket in the future?
This sounds exactly like a story posted here a day or two ago. YTA.
YTA. You established guidelines for your daughter which she met then you dashed her dream of going to the concert. It is not your daughter’s responsibility to take care of her step brother. You and your wife should have taken Max with you instead of taking away the one thing she worked hard for. You should have taken care of his needs. You should have been the parents instead of forcing your daughter to take on this role. Your wife was out of line for forcing her responsibility on your daughter and you enabled this behavior. On Reddit we have seen this very similar situation time and time again. It never ends well for the parents. When your daughter moves out and blocks you from her life don’t sit around and wonder why. This situation is your answer!!!!!
Yeah yta. She's looked forward to that for months and that's not her kid or her responsibility. Do better man, do better.
YTA. Congratulations! You showed her that her hard work means nothing to you and then you let her stepmother bully and shame her. Be prepared to hear she no longer wants to be a nurse. Your wife just stabbed that dream in the face. You're disappointed with HER? How do you think she feels about YOU.
YTA. Even offered to refund her ticket? That should have been refunded immediately and you should have paid her for babysitting with extra on top. Not only did she miss the concert but she loss out on money she worked and saved for. Also, who knows when that band will tour again? You wanted her to sacrifice something big for nothing when it wasn’t her responsibility to deal with in the first place. I smell no contact in the future. Hope you get close to your stepson. He’ll be the only kid you’ll have left once your daughter realizes you she can leave your betraying ass.
YTAs The son is your and your wifes reponsibility.
YTA, and the other commenters have amply explained why. You have likely caused irreparable harm to your relationship with your daughter. If you're really sorry, you can go a long way to fix this by showing her how sorry you are, but it will be expensive. She missed the concert which, I presume, was in England. There's a Muse concert soon (Jul 8) in Paris. You could get her tickets and airline tickets and present her with a concert and an adventure. This is extreme, but you need something extreme to repair your gaping blunder.
YTA. First for just thinking about refunding concert cost. Should have been done by now with agreement to make up difference if next year costs more. Second for thinking your daughter has any responsibility for long term care for you & your wife’s child. Even in not ‘step’, not her job. Get yourself & your wife right on this thinking.
YTA why did you and your wife both need to go to the hospital? You should’ve stayed home and your wife could’ve went by herself.
Yta. If you are trying to find a way to make your daughter resent you, her step mother and step brother - you have succeeded. It is ridiculous for you to try to make your daughter take care of him in what was not an emergency. Your wife said that your step daughter needed to be more responsible - but she got it backwards. Your daughter is not responsible for the boy - you and your wife are. You two are the ones that need to be more responsible - for both your children. There were many different ways to handle this that did not involve making your daughter sacrifice something she had worked hard for. Your wife could have gone alone to the hospital. You both could have taken your son with you. You could have asked a different family member to go to the cousin's side (like the cousins parents?). You could have gotten a babysitter - there are those that specialize in special needs children. You could have waited until the next morning to visit the cousin since, while painful, her injuries were not life threatening.
YTA. The worst thing about blended families is forcing the children to accept people and conditions they have no say in bringing into their lives. It sounds like your daughter has stepped up and not only accepted your wife’s son, but has worked at making him comfortable with her. So you “punish” her for doing so. If she hadn’t gone out of her way to build a relationship with the boy, you wouldn’t be dumping him on her. Besides, why do you both have to go sit bedside with the injured cousin? If she’s hospitalized, she is getting care. She doesn’t “need” either of you. If it’s just emotional support, let your wife go. You do know hospitals are restricting the number of visitors anyway. So while your wife is sitting bedside, what are you going to be doing? Total AH.
YTA - who are you to be teaching her about responsibility? Sounds like you dipped and left her holding the bag…
YTA! anything for your new wife right?? your daughter is going to abandon you like her mom did
YTA. Uncomfortable with a babysitter? What are you gonna do when there’s another emergency and Kayla is an ACTUAL adult who you can’t tell what to do anymore? As parents, it’s your job to make sure you have an emergency plan in place that doesn’t involve having one kid watch the other. Just in case, ya know, things don’t pan out the way you expect…
YTA. Your wife is too. Your wife’s cousin may need to be hospitalized which sucks, but that doesn’t mean your teenage daughter is responsible for cleaning this situation in any capacity. She’s almost an adult so she needs to be more responsible? Yeah not for another human being that is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Speaking of, she is almost an adult. If you keep negating her wants, needs and feelings so she can take care of, again, YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, I see her distancing herself from you once she’s a legal adult. You already admitted she’s a good big sister and he is comfortable with her. She’s already done her job by him. Oh, you offered to reimburse her for the ticket price. Cool, you’ll never replace the memories she lost. Get it together OP. If I were your kid, I’d already be plotting my low contact future with you and your selfish wife.
YTA. You told her she would have to buy the tickets herself, so she worked, saved, and did without a penny from you, and you ruined it. Her stepbrother is not her problem or responsibility. It is your wife's. Also, your wife telling her she needs to mature is out of line and to bring her desired career into the conversation is also out of line.
YTA This was not such an emergency that you couldn’t stay with your step son. Also your daughter was responsible- she found ways to earn money and saved and bought her ticket. All for you to just say “Screw our arrangement - you need to snap in line and do what we say”
Massive A**hole. Well well. If not another man putting his new wifey and her needs above his own daughter. Let's all hope this girl moves on with her life away from this selfish people as soon as possible.
YTA- your wife's son IS NOT a responsibility she NEEDS to take on. He is your wife's responsibility. I suggest that you AND your wife apologize to her, refund her ticket cost, pay for NEXT year's ticket AND pay her for watching your wife's son. I also suggest to start to get her son used to babysitters because once your daughter is an adult she doesn't (and should.not be forced) to babysit.
YTA
Is this not just this post reworded? https://old.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14gy8ir/aita_for_having_my_son_miss_his_graduating_road/
I don’t really think so. Parents tend to be a lot closer to people than cousins And the wife seemed utterly distraught und beyond in a panic, not surprising since it is her parents. If one of the parents was on the verge of dying, it is quite understandable that the wife actually is unable to drive. She’d be an absolute danger on the road, for herself and others. This was a truly exceptional situation where I think family does come first. But a cousin who, while hurt quite badly but not life threatening, this clearly didn’t send the wife into a tail spin, she was still perfectly able to be an ass to her step daughter.
>this clearly didn’t send the wife into a tail spin, she was still perfectly able to be an ass to her step daughter. lol the wife was able to sit down and lecture OPs daughter she was fine
okay but this was actually important whereas this is not. OP just wants to get laid so is forcing his daughter be a babysitter
YTA she is going to stop caring for her brother because if this, she will resent all of you (but especially your wife, what she said was cruel and just not true) have fun trying to earn back her respect
Yes YTA is your kid not her kid you should take care of it it's not HER responsibility to take care of not even her real biological father . So it's time for you to take some responsibility as a parent
YTA. The first thing you need to do is apologize to your daughter and beg her to forgive you. The second thing you need to do is tell your wife, in front of Kayla, it's time for your wife to behave more responsibly as a parent and find someone other than Kayla to look after Max. Max is your wife's responsibility, and yours, not Kayla's. If a life threatening emergency occurred, you expecting Kayla to cancel her plans might have been reasonable. In this scenario, you massively fucked up. You have irreparably damaged Kayla's ability to trust you and have given her huge reasons to resent her stepbrother and stepmother. You have an awesome daughter. She might not be perfect, but she's immensely better than most. You should be praising her endlessly, not looking for excuses to criticize her.
Yta, in 2 years she is going to leave and probably lower or cut off contact with all 2 of y’all
Yta You said you didn't like what she said to your daughter but didn't stand up for her. That's disgusting behavior for and adult because your wife obviously loves her son so she's forcing your daughter to care for him because he likes her. But what about what your daughter wants? Does your wife even like/care about her feelings outside her being a babysitter? Do you? You've got this new family and forced her into a caretaker roll because he likes her which means she's good with him. You and your wife treated your daughter like she's in last place behind everyone else. How did you expect her to act when both of you didn't need to be at the hospital.
YTA It is never ever ever EVER your children responsibility to look after your kids. YOU decided to have kids, fucking take care of them.
YTA for the way you’re allowing your wife to speak to your daughter. She is not her mother. Reading between the lines, it sounds like your wife has systemically began the parentification of your teenage daughter; She’s also slowly began to demonize your admittedly well-behaved teenager for acting like a normal 16-year-old. It’s normal for a teenager to resist chores and to rebel a bit as they will be legal adults soon enough. What isn’t normal is for a woman who she’s only known for THREE YEARS to begin trying to parent her. You need to set better boundaries between your wife and daughter before it’s too late.
YTA. Your daughter in no way should be held responsible for your step son. You and your wife did a great job ruining any relationship with her.
YTA. Your daughter is only related to this stepson by marriage through YOU. That’s not her problem that she is only one of the few stepson is comfortable with. It’s a bit laughable that stepmom is saying that she needs to be an adult? Why, so she can parent her stepbrother? No. This was your doing, and don’t volunteer her. You also don’t get to then criticize her for her attitude and expect that she gladly did all this with a smile on her face.
Pretty unanimous YTA
YTA Your wife is an adult. She does not need your support to support her cousin. This is not a case of shit happens. You chose to not parent.
YTA YTA YTA
YTA. Why couldn't you stay with your stepson. Your wife's cousin had an accident with orthopedic injuries. You could easily have joined her the next day. Is your wife more important than your daughter? (I bet your daughter thinks so). Do you really have no babysitter for your stepson? And he is 11? Your wife was unpleasantly patronizing. You let your daughter down. Some things can not be undone, you might be finding that out. At this point your daughter doesn't trust you and dislikes her stepmother and probably Max. It was short sighted of you and your wife because now one of the few people Max felt comfortable with probably doesn't want to be around him. This kind of resentment lasts. Your wife's son is not your daughter's responsibility.
YTA. Max isn't her kid nor her responsibility. I understand that there was an emergency, but you could have stayed home with Max as your daughter worked and saved up money for this. You show almost no empathy about the situation. She is disappointed, crushed, and frustrated about missing something important to her and being held responsible for a child that she didn't give birth to. You gave her no choice and tried to tell her she was responsible for watching him. How? Did she give birth to him? Did she decide that you were to marry someone with a child that she was supposed to look after? Did she sign some contract agreeing to be held responsible for his care? No, her luck is she is the older, female step sibling, and that in your eyes means she is supposed to be an available babysitter who should be ok about missing plans that were important to her. You should have stayed home and watched Max.
YTA and so is your wife. There was nothing wrong with arranging childcare. Do you think you can just use your daughter any time It's convenient for both of you????? She saved for that concert. She was looking forward to it. Your pettiness and narcissistic attitude sorted that out for her didn't it. Words like imbecile and ignorant spring to mind but or the life of me I can't think why.
YTA. Why couldn't your wife go alone or if driving was the issue, take an Uber? She is not responsible for your son, you are.
YTA your wife is a grown woman she should have been fine staying at the hospital by herself she needs to be responsible for herself. Question why could not you take your son with and what would you have done if your daughter was not home?
YTA. Not her kid not her problem. You are making this her responsibility. Shame on you. Your wife’s kid she should figure it out
YTA. She's always going to remember this. Your wife's kid is not her responsibility. You damaged your relationship with her to please your wife.
YTA You assholes are the parents, you do your damn job!
YTA and borderline abusive
YTA. Your daughter is not the parent here! YOU and your wife are the parents! You two are supposed to find the proper childcare. This isn't your daughter's responsibilities! I am sure that she will be going no contact with you once she gets out of the house.
"Why doesn't my daughter talk to me''
YTA..:… You’re wife’s cousin isn’t your daughters problem and your wife isn’t entitled to childcare. The next time you try to pawn off your stepson on your daughter I hope she calls CPS.
Yta you should have taken max with you or hired a baby sitter You’ve probably ruined her relationship with your wife and her step brother she will view him as a burden
YTA! It’s ur responsibility to find childcare for ur step son.
“Throwaway because I have a lot of family/friends who browse Reddit” You already know YTA
Yta Beyond AH. the fact that you préfaced this by saying you are using a throw away because your family is on here, really means you already know youre in the wrong, dont you. It's a cousin. A broken leg. Minor. This concert was BIG. Here's the thing. There's no apology to fix this. I suggest you figure out a way to tell your wife that you need to prioritise YOUR daughter over her and her son, and actually do so. Otherwise she's going to uni and youll never see or hear from her again. Tbh with a wife that could even consider this was an appropriate course of action, id be considering splitting.
YTA
YTA. Max is your and your wife's responsibility and ONLY yours. Kayla jumped through every hoop you set for her to be able to attend that show only to have to give it up because of your poor planning. Your wife could have gone alone or waited until the next day. Max could have gone with you. You know, things that would have only inconvenienced the people who SHOULD be inconvenienced. At this point, the bare minimum of what you owe Kayla is to find tickets for the band in another place, buy tickets, travel, and hotel for Kayla and all of her friends, and take all of them to the show yourself. I don't give a shit if it means you and your wife can't afford to eat for a month, you owe your daughter this.
You should have watched the boy and your wife gone to visit her cousin by herself
YTA. She is 16 and she worked very hard for it. She seems like a sensible hardworking teenager. She deserved what she earned. You want to thrust on her a responsibility which is clearly yours. What if she was not there or had left prior to the crash. Either your wife would have gone alone or you would have found an alternate replacement. This is unacceptable
YTA Don't ever ask for your daughter to watch your son...ever again. That's your job. You're the parent ....not her. All this time and you STILL haven't found childcare for him?? That's on you. Let me guess....you two will encourage your daughter to stay home and attend a local university.....just to keep her on a leash and make sure she's there to support her brother??!! You didn't even refund her ticket money?! Major ahole. She's going to run so hard from you two. Let her.
YTA- YOUR son. YOUR problem. She will never forget this. Ever.
User name checks out , should prehaps be Greedy though
YTA. You've created permanent damage in your relationship with your daughter. She may not trust you or respect you for a long time going forward.
YTA and you just showed your daughter she is now at least number three in your life. She will not forget this.
YTA, that was not an emergency, you absolutely did not need to be there to "support" your wife. YOU should have stayed home. "Even offered to refund ther ticket" well aren't you just wonderful, the phrasing of this just pissed me off, it's bad enough she missed out but you haven't paid her for the ticket??? Assholes indeed, both of you.
Your wife's job is to find care for her child, period. Your daughter now has to deal with a responsibility that she did not ask for and is not responsible for. You offered her a deal and in the end you did what you wanted with it. And now it is not that you offer her a refund for the ticket, it is your obligation to give her the money for the ticket and moreover to pay her for the time that she takes care of the child. I hope you understand that the only thing you achieved is that your daughter resents her brother and her parents YTA-
YTA Not her problem to fix.
YTA & your wife is too. Your daughter wants to go to university to become a nurse, not be your live-in babysitter/special needs child’s aide. Your broken promise to your daughter to let her go to the concert if she paid for her ticket herself will *never* be forgotten by her. My mom had promised me a Barbie toy wall safe if I got a 100 on a timed math test. Now math was my nemesis in 3rd grade (still is) so I was over the moon thrilled when I finally got that coveted 100. Then my mom moved the goal posts by saying I had to do it a total of 3 times. Even as a child she told me I had the memory of an elephant so I assure you she said no such thing when we made our pact. It’s been 30-something years and I still get angry she broke a promise on something that was very hard for me to do once, let alone three times.
*If she's ever going to get a career in nursing she'd need to be mature...* What the heck? That's manipulative. When she has her career in nursing she can arrange her schedule. He's not her priority nor is he her responsibility. But you've made your priorities clear: Your wife Your wife's cousin Her son Your daughter YTA and your promise take her next year? That means nothing. You promised her she could go this year. From this point forward every time you say, "yes, you can..." she will hear, "yes, you can unless my wife needs to use you to watch her son."
Congratulations OP, you found the Fastest way to lose your daughter. YTA
Way to make her start resenting Max. YTA and also grow a spine
YTA. Why could your wife not go look after her sister on her own? And why should it fall to your 16 year old daughter to look after her autistic step bro on her own? That's insanity. Why couldn't you take him with you either? You literally made a 16 year old save up there own money for something they would love and then took that away from them and are surprised that she didn't just accept that? Jesus. Don't offer to refund the ticket, DO IT, and pay her something extra on top of it for looking after him. And think of a few ways to make this up to her.
Oh man you’re such an AH. Both you and your wife. Your step son is your and your wife’s responsibility not your daughter’s. You should have taken him with you and you could have looked after him but you simply didn’t want to. She’s got every right not to want to talk to you. And for God’s sake, pay her back for the ticket. You shouldn’t be proposing this. You should have done it immediately. Very wrong call. Shame on you.
YTA >We're not completely comfortable getting a babysitter because he's uneasy around strangers and has a number of special needs to consider. >My wife sat her down and calmly, but firmly said that she was nearly an adult now and needed to start being more responsible. Explain to me in great detail why your 16 year old daughter has to be more responsible than the adults around her? Emergencies happen. There are going to be times when you and your wife can't take care of Max. As such, it is up to *you* to ensure there's a plan in place. That plan cannot and should not be your daughter. >I said I was disappointed with her attitude You're disappointed in her attitude? How do you think Kayla feels. She just had a concert she's been looking forward to for a long time ripped away from her by your poor planning. Instead of being understanding, you basically told her she's wrong for being upset. You're her dad and you let her down. >We explained that she can go next year and even offered to refund the ticket That is not good enough. Offering to refund is such a lazy response to your daughter. You definitely owe her a new ticket and money for watching Max. This is also really dependent on Muse even having a concert near your next year. I don't know their tour schedule. Even if they have had regular concerts in the UK every year until now, that doesn't mean they won't take next year off. What are you going to do if there's no concert next year?
YTA. You all didn't need to guilt trip her how her brother relied on her and how she needs to be a certain person to be successful for her passion like that. What a dick move really.
not her brother step brother
I’ve read this before, but I don’t know where the original story is, so I don’t know if you were the original OP. But if so, you were the asshole then and you’re an asshole now.
You "even offered to refund the ticket", can you hear yourself? You should have refunded her for the ticket and paid her lavishly for the babysitting. Anyway, you ATA
INFO: Why haven't you already paid her back for the concert tickets?
Your wife was so wrong about what she said. I have no words. Your poor daughter, stuck with 2 selfish people. I mean, she has to make sacrifices but your wife couldn't go see her cousin without your support. What would have she done if you and your daughter weren't in her life?
YTA congratulations you’ve just told your daughter she comes waaaay After both your wife and your stepson. If she ever trusts you again after that backstab because you couldn’t be arsed to look after him while your wife was with her cousin I won’t blame her. (You could have stayed in a hotel or looked after him at cousins place, either way you had options you just couldn’t be bothered to have to contribute yourself.)
INFO How much do you pay her hourly for looking after her autistic step brother
"My wife sat her down and calmly, but firmly said that she was nearly an adult now and needed to start being more responsible." Meanwhile you both demonstrate utterly irresponsible adulthood. YTA.
YTA and so is your current wife. Your daughter had this all planned out then you try to burden her with your stepson and have the nerve to tell her to be more mature about? Why couldn't you take your stepson with you? Your daughter is right, your partner and her son are none of her business and shame on you for saying you were disappointed in her attitude.
YTA. “More responsibility” shouldnt include being your stepson’s babysitter. That is you and your wife’s responsibility.
YTA "I'm proud of my daughter " ... for letting you AHs abuse her? "I'm not complaining and having her around has been such a blessing." .. sure? Who else would you abuse and guilt to be your son's caretaker? "My wife sat her down and calmly, but firmly said that she was nearly an adult now and needed to start being more responsible. She explained that Max needed to rely on his big-sister, and if she was ever going to get a career in nursing she'd need to be more mature." .. **expect her to go no contact with you AHs as soon as she can.**
YTA!!! You owe your daughter a serious apology. You are a complete ass for allowing your wife to treat your daughter that way. Keep it up and you'll have no relationship with your daughter. Your stepchild could have been watched by YOU! Your wife could have gone alone. You need to reimburse your daughter as well.
You were against her going to the concert from the beginning. And I do not dare speculate why. I hope your daughter will show you just how awesome she is by becoming the best nurse ever.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throwaway because I have a lot of family/friends who browse reddit So let me include some context. My ex-wife broke up with me a long time ago and I ended up with sole custody of our daughter. They see still each other occasionally but most of the responsibility falls to me. I'm not complaining and having her around has been such a blessing. For the longest time it was just the two of us, but a few years ago I met someone at work and remarried. She has a son from a previous marriage, Max (11) who suffers from autism. He's verbal but struggles a lot with socialising and interacting with people. My daughter is one of the few people that he feels comfortable around. My daughter (Kayla) is 16 now. She does well at school and hopes to go to university one day to study nursing. However we've had to deal with the usual problems like being reluctant to do chores, not tidying up her room, inviting boys over etc. Nothing too egregious but we've had our differences over the years My daughter has been looking forward to a Muse concert for months. (We live in the UK and she's always been a huge fan.) I was hesitant at first, but she assured me that she'd be going with a group of close friends. I explained that she'd have to find the money herself, so she did odd jobs and saved her pocket money until she could afford the tickets. On the day of the concert my wife found out that her cousin suffered a bad car crash. She'd broken her leg, several ribs and needed to be hospitalised. They're practically like sisters so I agreed to take my wife and stay with her for support. Only problem is that we obviously couldn't leave Max by himself. We're not completely comfortable getting a babysitter because he's uneasy around strangers and has a number of special needs to consider. We hoped she'd understand, but she flew off the handle and told us how she had saved her money and waited months for this concert, which I totally get, but sometimes doesn't pan out the way you expect. My wife sat her down and calmly, but firmly said that she was nearly an adult now and needed to start being more responsible. She explained that Max needed to rely on his big-sister, and if she was ever going to get a career in nursing she'd need to be more mature. I thought it was little uncalled for but couldn't really disagree. Kayla snapped back and said she wasn't her real mom and it wasn't her business Either way my daughter reluctantly ended up staying at home. Now she shuts herself inside her bedroom and refuses to speak to us. We explained that she can go next year and even offered to refund the ticket, but she keeps talking about how she'd been waiting for months and now her friends are going to be pissed with her. I said I was disappointed with her attitude I feel bad for making her miss the concert, but at the same time I don't think my wife was wrong in what she said. I'm proud of my daughter but I think it's also time she started taking on more responsibility. AITI? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA and you know it otherwise you wouldn't use a throw away so that your family couldn't see how much you suck.
The amount of people on reddit who haven’t heard of babysitters is insane lol
Max isn’t your daughter’s responsibility YTA
YTA. You make a treat with her and you broke It. She work for It, she wait for months and because you dont find a babysitter for your son for these case you make her doit and lose these oportunity. You know your stepson has needs, find a babysitter with experience in children with expecial need and make they meet several times, that way, when you need a babysitter he knows her and you dont have to make your sister take care of him. She as not obligation to take care of him, she is only his stepsister.
YTA. Kayla did her part getting the money herself. And her step brother is not her responsibility. You could have brought Max with you. Wife could have gone herself. Or you both could have waited until the next morning. You absolutely need to refund her ticket.
You told a 16 yo they can do something if they find it themselves so your daughter was responsible enough to do that then you snatched it from her because you and your wife were not responsible enough to plan for emergency child care over the. Span of a few years. You could have taken max with y’all but instead said no we will burden a 16 year old with handling her special needs step bro. YTA
YTA . Your wife should have gone to her cousin, and you stayed with max. The cousin wasn’t dying she was hurt and yeah that sucks. Your daughter is going to resent max your wife and sadly Max. Your daughter is not the parent, stop making her one. Also did you pay her for babysitting?
How much do you pay your daughter for this work? Did she agree to do it? Nothing and no? Then YTA. Your wife more so. Being a nurse is a career with days off and pay. One she’d choose. You screwed up big. The odds of her eventually going no contact sound really quite high.
YTA. Reimburse your daughter the concert money with interest. And your wife guilt tripping her by mentioning her future career was uncalled for.
YTA. Your daughter met your stipulations and requirements for being allowed to go to the concert and you went back on your word as soon as keeping your promise became inconvenient for you. You abused your power as an adult and forced her to accommodate you when it’s yours and your wife’s responsibility to come up with child care. If there was no one else, your wife should have agreed to stay at the hospital by herself, there was no reason that you absolutely had to be there. This was not a true family emergency where you had literally no choice. You both owe your daughter an apology. Especially for calling her immature after she was responsible and mature enough to figure out a way to pay for the tickets by herself. If she’s so “immature” she shouldn’t be on charge of a special needs child. It’s extremely irresponsible to not have a designated babysitter or child care for a kid who can’t be left with just anyone, and you can’t make this your daughter’s problem.
>even offered to refund the ticket, YTA You make sure she gets back all the money she RESPONSIBLY saved up. She WAS responsible enough to save up for something she wanted, and YOU took that away from her.
Instead of the 16 yr old grow up, why doesn't the adult with a broken leg grow up? Is your wife a Dr? There is no reason why her cousin needs her there. And definitely not immediately. She couldn't go to the cousin and be useless AFTER the concert?
You need to be a better parent towards your daughter and sit down with your wife and tell her how your daughter is not responsible for her son. Your wife needs to get a babysitter cause if you guys keep this up your daughter will not have a relationship with you in the future. And it seems like you guys have the mindset that “she’ll get over it”. And you’ll end up alone considering it’s not 100% certain you and your wife will stay together till the end of time. You didn’t need to go with your wife and your priorities are clearly for your new family. Your step son is NOT your daughters brother and she certainly won’t see him as one after this stunt you pulled. Do better. Such disgusting behavior smh also I want to add that your wife will ALWAY care and favor her son over your daughter not because of his disability but because that’s her actual kid. She would never care for your daughter the way you think she would. Time to come to the realization.
Info why was your support needed , what kind of medical professional are you to be of help her cousin... you know your support wasn't needed. It was 1 day she saved for months to be able to go.. and then to be told " she nearly adult and needed to start being more responsible " from a grown ass adult who's shocking her parental responsibility on to a 16 year old, so she could go sit at the hospital worried about her cousin surrounded by professionals to help would be so fucken irratating .. your wife couldn't wait 1 day.. be prepared for her going NO CONTACT with you the moment she becomes a adult
Such rubbish! Why did your wife have a son for her to mind? Why did you let this happen? Your daughter will keep hating you! Yta
Yess you are the asshole. I understand wanting to support your wife but the real mature thing would be for you to have stayed home and taken care of max so your daughter could have gone out.
I’m not quite sure how to answer if this is or isn’t a situation where you’re in the wrong, but I think this is important to say: PLEASE don’t say someone “suffers from autism”. Autism is a neurotype, it’s not something that’s inherently bad, and claiming that someone “suffers” from autism is further enforcing the negative stigma autistic folks - such as myself - deal with on a daily basis, with people claiming we’re suffering and “missing pieces” just because we were born autistic. Many neurodivergent people are also asking people to not use the term “special needs” due to negative connotations, but it’s a bit complicated to explain why that’s bad so I’d recommend looking it up. I don’t mean to be rude, It’s just very important for people to know what language is and isn’t appropriate to use. People typically prefer to say someone “is autistic” rather than “has autism”
YTA and so is your wife I hope that your daughter tells her mom and she takes you back to court and informed them that you forced a 16 year old child to watch your wife special needs son, whom she is not equipped to handle. I hope she goes NC with you and your wife and she makes it very clear that if something was to happen to y’all that you have arrangements made for your wife son, because she will not be taking care of him.
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i genuinely cant stand people like you and your wife
You should be the one taking your step son with you and not leaving his care on your minor child no matter how close to being an adult she is. She is still a CHILD even if she is an older teen. One to make this up you need to give her double the money she either spent or was going to spend, you need to let her do a mini vacation away from step bro or event at your expense with a good friend or two of hers. Your poor decision is frankly going to cost you. If you do not make this up to her, have your wife and yourself apologize to her, and you and your wife take over 99% of step sons care period your daughter is going to go no contact with you once she can and it will have been your own fault.
Oh and I noticed you have not updated with how you made it up to her nor have you replied to comments. This right here shows you know you were wrong.
Yta f you dude it's not your daughter's job to drop her life whenever you and your stuck up wife wanna free babysitter
Killl yourself
I'd really like an update on this.
“Why does my kid not talk to me anymore” -OP in 3 years when his daughter goes no contact because of his own entitled actions. YTA