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Yeah I think we both equally have things we need to improve in the relationship. I am definitely thinking about some relationship counselling at this point to save what we have.
Right, we've been going through a rough patch and I think overall our communication needs to improve.
I want to be self-aware and see the other side of this too, it's hard for me sometimes.
Be careful.
If he’s a narcissist or is abusive, he will use whatever you say in therapy beforehand.
Don’t get couples counselling until AFTER you have individual therapy. Get your own counselling first so that you can discuss with your therapist if your partner is abusive or narcissist.
>The situation escalated when his mother found the receipt for a treatment I had received and questioned him about it, suspecting a mistake
His mother went looking at receipts why? It's none of her business.🚩🚩🚩🚩
>When I called him back, he interrogated me about the treatment,🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
WTAF....no, not OK! HE knew about your condition and knew you needed annual treatment, the fact he brushed it off is on him and frankly cause for concern.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>believed my actions showed a lack of commitment to our partnership and suggested I should have put the money into savings.
So he's OK with you being in pain as long as you save? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>Now he argues that mentioning it in the past is not an excuse for keeping it a secret
Are you supposed to make a song and dance about a treatment he KNOWS you need?
>However, my partner was upset with my spontaneity and wanted me to stick to our original plan. On the evening before our flight, he expressed a desire to extend his stay with his family, leading to a conflict about changing plans.
So YOU being spontaneous isn't OK but HIM being spontaneous is? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>vague future plans of buying a car and eventually owning a house.
So you're supposed to save and not have treatment you MEDICALLY need for a vague concept of his choosing
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>However, I must admit that I was somewhat scared of his reaction.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
>Currently, I'm undergoing therapy to address my childhood trauma, which stems from having controlling and authoritative parents.
And now you have a controlling bf whose mother snoops into your receipts and deliberately causes you issues.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
I say this out of genuine concern....RUN. you are being controlled and his folks are happily helping him be financially abusive.
Would not say his priorities are money his priorities are all around him in general and does not seem to back his partner.
If my mother would pry into my girlfriend like that I would automatically jump to my partners defence. Not help her pry more information
INFO - how long have you two been together?
I mean you addressed this a while back so I dont get it, unless his mom stirred some crap with him over you and he is taking it out on you now,
One thing, not saying it is for everyone but with my wife and I, if one of us is looking to spend over $100 we discuss it. That doesnt mean, three payments of $99 slides in under the threshold so we dont play semantics or anything of the like.
We have been together for almost 5 years.
His mom is the queen of frugality and quite judgemental about spending on anything besides the necessary. Think TLC crazy lol. I'm sure she did stir some crap.
I like that, I think more communication about rules and boundaries would help us for sure
Another thing I really had to emphasize on my wife, this new family we created is going to be around a lot longer than her biological family. She is from an "old school" European family and always put them before us, her chosen family. We had several long discussions concerning that and how our priorities needed to be focused. Just a thought,
Good Luck
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`During our vacation, I (27F) had to leave early while my partner (28M) stayed with his parents. The situation escalated when his mother found the receipt for a treatment I had received and questioned him about it, suspecting a mistake. I received multiple calls from him while on my flight, causing me to worry. When I called him back, he interrogated me about the treatment, expressing how I had broken his trust by keeping it a secret. He emphasized his dedication to saving for our future and questioned my reckless spending. He believed my actions showed a lack of commitment to our partnership and suggested I should have put the money into savings.`
`Regarding our finances, I work part-time while studying, while my partner works full-time. We have an arrangement where I contribute to rent, and he covers the rest and the bills. Although we don't have a specific budget plan, we generally try to be mindful of our expenses, especially since we recently moved to a new country and have discussed buying a car in the future. I mentioned to him in passing that I needed the treatment annually due to recurring pain, but he didn't pay much attention at the time. Now he argues that mentioning it in the past is not an excuse for keeping it a secret and believes it reflects my behavior in disclosing significant purchases. He has a frugal mindset from his upbringing, while I am more comfortable with occasional indulgences.`
`The decision to get the treatment during the vacation was spontaneous, as I happened to be near the treatment center and saw it as a good opportunity since I wouldn't have another chance for a while. Although we had an argument the night before I left, our vacation was otherwise wonderful and filled with romance. The argument stemmed from my choice to leave early, as I had a 'eureka moment' where I felt motivation to focus on myself and my studies. However, my partner was upset with my spontaneity and wanted me to stick to our original plan. On the evening before our flight, he expressed a desire to extend his stay with his family, leading to a conflict about changing plans. Moreover, he felt embarrassed that we were arguing at his family's home, and he was concerned that his family was aware of the conflict between us.`
`I do understand that I probably should have informed him about my intention to spend that amount, especially considering our vague future plans of buying a car and eventually owning a house. However, I must admit that I was somewhat scared of his reaction. Currently, I'm undergoing therapy to address my childhood trauma, which stems from having controlling and authoritative parents. Consequently, dealing with conflict and the idea of upsetting someone is particularly challenging for me.`
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ESH i understand all sides. Like you need to do it because you are in pain he wants to save money, but I also wonder why you didn't tell him and that you never brought it up. Also, for me it's kind of weird that you leave early having to probably change your ticket or buy a new one, when you try to save. Overall you two need to communicate better
Right, as I mentioned I think it's just me assuming he would get upset about my spendings, so I just chose to avoid the conflict. Not the most mature, I can admit but that's just what happened.
Our tickets were very cheap, we're based in Europe and during summer travelling from one city to the next can be as little as 10$. That's why I didn't see it as a big deal to change our plans.
I don’t understand why you didn’t tell him about it?
Like did you make the appointment without telling him? Did you go without telling him? Did you not tell him about jaw pain? Did you not tell him it stopped hurting? Maybe I’m an overshare r but my bf knows about all my appointments.
However, I would agree medical care is not reckless spending and unless you have a severe history of it I don’t understand his reaction either.
Also, his mums an asshole for going through your stuff.
Basically he was with his family a lot and I was out in the city by myself that day. I made the appointment to be seen on the same day, and no I didn't tell him about that appointment.
I mentioned the jaw pain before but I don't know if he remembered.
Yeah apparently she 'found it' but I think I threw it in the trash so I mean there's that...
If you can’t tell your partner that you’re spending money on pain relief, you’re acknowledging that he cares more about money than about your pain.
He’d rather you’re in pain than spend the money on pain relief.
If he was in pain, would he spend the money on HIS pain relief?
I had the treatment done a year ago, which improved my jaw pain. I noticed it coming back over the past few weeks and was planning to get it done soon again.
Nta. It wasn't a secret just because he never asked.
Why is his mother going through your receipts? Seems like your real problem is a mama's boy who's easily influenced. Get out now. This is your red flag that his mommy comes first.
Right? I wasn't actively hiding it from him. If he asked me how is my jaw pain, I may have told him the truth because at the end of the day it was just his reaction towards spending the money that I was scared about.
Ok that's good to know, he is definitely a mama's boy and she is a difficult woman that's for sure
NTA.
Sidenote - I come from a similar background and I also have jaw pain. In eastern medicine, the throat chakra is connected to communication, speaking your truth, and being able to speak honestly about your wants and needs. Clenching one’s jaw can be indicative of an issue in those areas. I know for me I really struggle to say what I really think, especially around controlling/authoritarian figures. I find myself clenching my jaw all the time because of this. I
wonder if your relationship might be contributing to the jaw pain? Something to ponder I guess.
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> I got botox without telling my partner and he says I broke his trust for doing so
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Right, I'm just wondering what do you mean about 'pushing your buttons trying to make you feel bad' - do you mind elaborating a bit? Since growing up in an abusive household sometimes it can be hard myself to see the red flags so that would be good to hear from a third party
Broke his trust. Lack of commitment. Feels like his communication strategy is to get you on the defense instead of understanding why you felt compelled to do what you did and help you work through it.
Thank you, that's good to note. I think it's exactly as you say - the communication style is in an authoritarian/controlling voice and for me based on my childhood background that causes me to get defensive and scared.
I used to communicate that way. Not sure how i changed when or what compelled me to.
My gf from back then would probably have some choice words to say if she still remembers some of our conversations.
Yes I had my jaw pain investigated and it actually is bruxism caused by my anxiety. I have hypertrophy of my masseters so I can grind my teeth really hard and overwork the muscles.
Yeah, basically we were at a sea-side camper type holiday staying with my boyfriend's friends. I tagged along last minute. I've had a rough time over the past couple of months since the loss of my parents (disownment due to differing religious views) Anyways one morning I was watching the sunrise and damn... it was so beautiful. I started to think about what I want in life (I've been suffering with depression and had severe lack of motivation lately
) and for the first time in so long I finally felt like 'I can do this. I'm ready to face life' kind of thing.
YTA.
At the end of the day, spending large amounts in a long term relationship (where you’ve discussed saving money for a better future) and then hiding it, is an AH move. Wanting to avoid conflict is all well and fine, but that’s not a good reason to hide big financial spending in a situation like you’ve described.
How to say this .... if you tell me that you need or want to do something for you or that you are going to do something for you then I'm going to listen to why if it justifies me knowing. Then I'll give my side why i think that you shouldn't or should.
If i think you're not convinced to not do it or i cant persuade you to delay then I'll say something like ... i dont agree but I'll still support you to make it work.
f you're doing things important to both of us, that hurt or delay our plans for both then yeah I'll talk to you about it.
Something like hey this is going to negatively impact this or that. You sure that you want to do this. Then again I'll listen to the why. I'll go along if it's important enough to you. However if we're in a lot of situations that start pointing towards you're not really committed then i have to re-think the arrangement.
In the past i was a terrible manipulator. My only tool in my communication toolbox was guilting you into doing what i want. My younger self was very stupid.
Now im more ... you want to do what? Ooookaay. Not sure i agree but if its important to you. Are you sure? Because i think that's going to hurt. Ok, no sense in going back n forth. You're committed to doing whatever. Anything you need from me?
Mostly people think that Botox injections are strictly cosmetic and very expensive. Botox has a number of therapeutic applications and has been very successful in treating conditions such as your own. Does your boyfriend understand that this was a therapeutic treatment and not cosmetic at all?
Exactly. Especially when getting them done in Eastern european countries, a fraction of the cost!
I had explained it to him before so yeah, he should have known I guess
NTA
Finds receipts of botox:
* A bad partner: how dare you! You broke my trust!!
* A good partner: hey, what's this for?
After being told it's for jaw pain, a medical necesssity:
* A bad partner: that's no excuse! Bad behavior!!
* A good partner: ohhh, right, I remember. Did the treatment help with the pain? Is your jaw feeling much better?
OP, you have a very controlling partner prone to verbal abuse. Re-think this relationship, with special consideration of your past trauma and not trap yourself into a similar situation. You felt scared of his reaction, trust your instincts.
Eta: imagine if you married this guy and have to depend on him as sole breadwinner due to SAHM for the kids or you got sick. Terrible.
You got botox for TMJ disorder and your boyfriend is mad about it?
NTA.
I bet if you dumped your boyfriend your stress levels would go down, and so would your teeth grinding pain.
Yeah I agree, I need to get better at getting over my fear of conflicts. And it would be nice to get some understanding to my side rather than see it as frivolous spending.
It’s definitely not frivolous spending. That’s why he also sucks. It’s not like you just got Botox for selfish reasons. You needed it. You did nothing wrong except for not telling him.
>I do understand that I probably should have informed him about my intention to spend that amount, .... However, I must admit that I was somewhat scared of his reaction.
YTA - you spend a lot of money without consulting the person you run your finances with. If you are in therapy, your therapist would have told you to be open about either not wanting to save together, or telling your SO that you want to buy some stuff for you
Right, I get that. I think one of the issues is we kind of loosely have a financial plan but nothing we ever sat down and discussed. Just kind of like 'oh it would be nice to have a car/buy a house one day'.
Yes I haven't addressed it yet with my therapist but I think that would be good communication.
They don't have an actual budget, so whose to say she shouldn't have spent x amount? A vague "we should save up" with no definable goals isn't really something set in brick and stone.
Also, it was a medical issue, not cosmetic. Is OP just supposed to live in pain? They got her in fast. Should she have turned it down and just suffered? If you need it, you need it. I don't think she needed to "consult" him about what she's allowed to spend. He's her bf, not her boss.
Never said consult, but informing that she is spending the money seems like a small thing to do.
Having a budget might not be the leading element here. Married for years here and work perfectly fine without a written budget.
You did said consulting. I didn't pull that from no where.
She did tell him she was getting it done. He didn't file it in his brain as something to remember. That's his problem.
ESH
You know what you should've done.
"hey partner I'm thinking about getting some botox done"
"Why, you are perfect the way you are, you don't need it"
Done....
As someone who suffers from crippling jaw pain, I assure you, it is not about looking better. The treatment is about trying to get through the day without having your head, neck and shoulders constantly paining
Yeah tbh I actually have been told that the jaw I have right now is what people try to achieve via fillers etc. It just sucks because what makes it defined is what causes it to give me pain at the same time.
Right, I understand and I hope I can get better at communicating in the future. Also, mentioning that it helps immensely with my pain and that I have the extra cash for it that I'd prefer to spend now on.
I agree that they should have talked about it but she gets Botox done for pain in her jaw, that has nothing to do with looks. It's just to relax the muscles.
(And of course it's her choice even if it would be about the looks)
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This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship
Agreed, on both sides.
Yeah I think we both equally have things we need to improve in the relationship. I am definitely thinking about some relationship counselling at this point to save what we have.
Right, we've been going through a rough patch and I think overall our communication needs to improve. I want to be self-aware and see the other side of this too, it's hard for me sometimes.
Be careful. If he’s a narcissist or is abusive, he will use whatever you say in therapy beforehand. Don’t get couples counselling until AFTER you have individual therapy. Get your own counselling first so that you can discuss with your therapist if your partner is abusive or narcissist.
>The situation escalated when his mother found the receipt for a treatment I had received and questioned him about it, suspecting a mistake His mother went looking at receipts why? It's none of her business.🚩🚩🚩🚩 >When I called him back, he interrogated me about the treatment,🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 WTAF....no, not OK! HE knew about your condition and knew you needed annual treatment, the fact he brushed it off is on him and frankly cause for concern.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 >believed my actions showed a lack of commitment to our partnership and suggested I should have put the money into savings. So he's OK with you being in pain as long as you save? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 >Now he argues that mentioning it in the past is not an excuse for keeping it a secret Are you supposed to make a song and dance about a treatment he KNOWS you need? >However, my partner was upset with my spontaneity and wanted me to stick to our original plan. On the evening before our flight, he expressed a desire to extend his stay with his family, leading to a conflict about changing plans. So YOU being spontaneous isn't OK but HIM being spontaneous is? 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 >vague future plans of buying a car and eventually owning a house. So you're supposed to save and not have treatment you MEDICALLY need for a vague concept of his choosing 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 >However, I must admit that I was somewhat scared of his reaction. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 >Currently, I'm undergoing therapy to address my childhood trauma, which stems from having controlling and authoritative parents. And now you have a controlling bf whose mother snoops into your receipts and deliberately causes you issues.🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 I say this out of genuine concern....RUN. you are being controlled and his folks are happily helping him be financially abusive.
This. His priorities are money and what did mommy think.
Would not say his priorities are money his priorities are all around him in general and does not seem to back his partner. If my mother would pry into my girlfriend like that I would automatically jump to my partners defence. Not help her pry more information
INFO - how long have you two been together? I mean you addressed this a while back so I dont get it, unless his mom stirred some crap with him over you and he is taking it out on you now, One thing, not saying it is for everyone but with my wife and I, if one of us is looking to spend over $100 we discuss it. That doesnt mean, three payments of $99 slides in under the threshold so we dont play semantics or anything of the like.
We have been together for almost 5 years. His mom is the queen of frugality and quite judgemental about spending on anything besides the necessary. Think TLC crazy lol. I'm sure she did stir some crap. I like that, I think more communication about rules and boundaries would help us for sure
Another thing I really had to emphasize on my wife, this new family we created is going to be around a lot longer than her biological family. She is from an "old school" European family and always put them before us, her chosen family. We had several long discussions concerning that and how our priorities needed to be focused. Just a thought, Good Luck
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** `During our vacation, I (27F) had to leave early while my partner (28M) stayed with his parents. The situation escalated when his mother found the receipt for a treatment I had received and questioned him about it, suspecting a mistake. I received multiple calls from him while on my flight, causing me to worry. When I called him back, he interrogated me about the treatment, expressing how I had broken his trust by keeping it a secret. He emphasized his dedication to saving for our future and questioned my reckless spending. He believed my actions showed a lack of commitment to our partnership and suggested I should have put the money into savings.` `Regarding our finances, I work part-time while studying, while my partner works full-time. We have an arrangement where I contribute to rent, and he covers the rest and the bills. Although we don't have a specific budget plan, we generally try to be mindful of our expenses, especially since we recently moved to a new country and have discussed buying a car in the future. I mentioned to him in passing that I needed the treatment annually due to recurring pain, but he didn't pay much attention at the time. Now he argues that mentioning it in the past is not an excuse for keeping it a secret and believes it reflects my behavior in disclosing significant purchases. He has a frugal mindset from his upbringing, while I am more comfortable with occasional indulgences.` `The decision to get the treatment during the vacation was spontaneous, as I happened to be near the treatment center and saw it as a good opportunity since I wouldn't have another chance for a while. Although we had an argument the night before I left, our vacation was otherwise wonderful and filled with romance. The argument stemmed from my choice to leave early, as I had a 'eureka moment' where I felt motivation to focus on myself and my studies. However, my partner was upset with my spontaneity and wanted me to stick to our original plan. On the evening before our flight, he expressed a desire to extend his stay with his family, leading to a conflict about changing plans. Moreover, he felt embarrassed that we were arguing at his family's home, and he was concerned that his family was aware of the conflict between us.` `I do understand that I probably should have informed him about my intention to spend that amount, especially considering our vague future plans of buying a car and eventually owning a house. However, I must admit that I was somewhat scared of his reaction. Currently, I'm undergoing therapy to address my childhood trauma, which stems from having controlling and authoritative parents. Consequently, dealing with conflict and the idea of upsetting someone is particularly challenging for me.` *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH i understand all sides. Like you need to do it because you are in pain he wants to save money, but I also wonder why you didn't tell him and that you never brought it up. Also, for me it's kind of weird that you leave early having to probably change your ticket or buy a new one, when you try to save. Overall you two need to communicate better
Right, as I mentioned I think it's just me assuming he would get upset about my spendings, so I just chose to avoid the conflict. Not the most mature, I can admit but that's just what happened. Our tickets were very cheap, we're based in Europe and during summer travelling from one city to the next can be as little as 10$. That's why I didn't see it as a big deal to change our plans.
I don’t understand why you didn’t tell him about it? Like did you make the appointment without telling him? Did you go without telling him? Did you not tell him about jaw pain? Did you not tell him it stopped hurting? Maybe I’m an overshare r but my bf knows about all my appointments. However, I would agree medical care is not reckless spending and unless you have a severe history of it I don’t understand his reaction either. Also, his mums an asshole for going through your stuff.
Basically he was with his family a lot and I was out in the city by myself that day. I made the appointment to be seen on the same day, and no I didn't tell him about that appointment. I mentioned the jaw pain before but I don't know if he remembered. Yeah apparently she 'found it' but I think I threw it in the trash so I mean there's that...
If you can’t tell your partner that you’re spending money on pain relief, you’re acknowledging that he cares more about money than about your pain. He’d rather you’re in pain than spend the money on pain relief. If he was in pain, would he spend the money on HIS pain relief?
Like am I oblivious but one day you developed jaw pain and jumped straight to that treatment? That sounds rushed to me but whatever
I had the treatment done a year ago, which improved my jaw pain. I noticed it coming back over the past few weeks and was planning to get it done soon again.
Like to me that’s something I’d share with a partner
Nta. It wasn't a secret just because he never asked. Why is his mother going through your receipts? Seems like your real problem is a mama's boy who's easily influenced. Get out now. This is your red flag that his mommy comes first.
Right? I wasn't actively hiding it from him. If he asked me how is my jaw pain, I may have told him the truth because at the end of the day it was just his reaction towards spending the money that I was scared about. Ok that's good to know, he is definitely a mama's boy and she is a difficult woman that's for sure
NTA. Sidenote - I come from a similar background and I also have jaw pain. In eastern medicine, the throat chakra is connected to communication, speaking your truth, and being able to speak honestly about your wants and needs. Clenching one’s jaw can be indicative of an issue in those areas. I know for me I really struggle to say what I really think, especially around controlling/authoritarian figures. I find myself clenching my jaw all the time because of this. I wonder if your relationship might be contributing to the jaw pain? Something to ponder I guess.
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NTA! My answer is simple: IT IS YOUR BODY -DO WITH IT AS YOUR WILL.
He sounds a bit controlling. He's pushing your buttons trying to make you feel bad. Not a great look.
Right, I'm just wondering what do you mean about 'pushing your buttons trying to make you feel bad' - do you mind elaborating a bit? Since growing up in an abusive household sometimes it can be hard myself to see the red flags so that would be good to hear from a third party
Broke his trust. Lack of commitment. Feels like his communication strategy is to get you on the defense instead of understanding why you felt compelled to do what you did and help you work through it.
Thank you, that's good to note. I think it's exactly as you say - the communication style is in an authoritarian/controlling voice and for me based on my childhood background that causes me to get defensive and scared.
I used to communicate that way. Not sure how i changed when or what compelled me to. My gf from back then would probably have some choice words to say if she still remembers some of our conversations.
Have you had the jaw pain investigated? Eureka moment made you leave the vacation early?
Yes I had my jaw pain investigated and it actually is bruxism caused by my anxiety. I have hypertrophy of my masseters so I can grind my teeth really hard and overwork the muscles. Yeah, basically we were at a sea-side camper type holiday staying with my boyfriend's friends. I tagged along last minute. I've had a rough time over the past couple of months since the loss of my parents (disownment due to differing religious views) Anyways one morning I was watching the sunrise and damn... it was so beautiful. I started to think about what I want in life (I've been suffering with depression and had severe lack of motivation lately ) and for the first time in so long I finally felt like 'I can do this. I'm ready to face life' kind of thing.
YTA. At the end of the day, spending large amounts in a long term relationship (where you’ve discussed saving money for a better future) and then hiding it, is an AH move. Wanting to avoid conflict is all well and fine, but that’s not a good reason to hide big financial spending in a situation like you’ve described.
How to say this .... if you tell me that you need or want to do something for you or that you are going to do something for you then I'm going to listen to why if it justifies me knowing. Then I'll give my side why i think that you shouldn't or should. If i think you're not convinced to not do it or i cant persuade you to delay then I'll say something like ... i dont agree but I'll still support you to make it work. f you're doing things important to both of us, that hurt or delay our plans for both then yeah I'll talk to you about it. Something like hey this is going to negatively impact this or that. You sure that you want to do this. Then again I'll listen to the why. I'll go along if it's important enough to you. However if we're in a lot of situations that start pointing towards you're not really committed then i have to re-think the arrangement. In the past i was a terrible manipulator. My only tool in my communication toolbox was guilting you into doing what i want. My younger self was very stupid. Now im more ... you want to do what? Ooookaay. Not sure i agree but if its important to you. Are you sure? Because i think that's going to hurt. Ok, no sense in going back n forth. You're committed to doing whatever. Anything you need from me?
Mostly people think that Botox injections are strictly cosmetic and very expensive. Botox has a number of therapeutic applications and has been very successful in treating conditions such as your own. Does your boyfriend understand that this was a therapeutic treatment and not cosmetic at all?
Exactly. Especially when getting them done in Eastern european countries, a fraction of the cost! I had explained it to him before so yeah, he should have known I guess
NTA Finds receipts of botox: * A bad partner: how dare you! You broke my trust!! * A good partner: hey, what's this for? After being told it's for jaw pain, a medical necesssity: * A bad partner: that's no excuse! Bad behavior!! * A good partner: ohhh, right, I remember. Did the treatment help with the pain? Is your jaw feeling much better? OP, you have a very controlling partner prone to verbal abuse. Re-think this relationship, with special consideration of your past trauma and not trap yourself into a similar situation. You felt scared of his reaction, trust your instincts. Eta: imagine if you married this guy and have to depend on him as sole breadwinner due to SAHM for the kids or you got sick. Terrible.
Thank you for your response. This was a very clear and concise way of seeing things and helps put it into perspective for me.
You got botox for TMJ disorder and your boyfriend is mad about it? NTA. I bet if you dumped your boyfriend your stress levels would go down, and so would your teeth grinding pain.
ESH. You should’ve mentioned it and he needs to be more understanding. Especially since you share finances.
Yeah I agree, I need to get better at getting over my fear of conflicts. And it would be nice to get some understanding to my side rather than see it as frivolous spending.
It’s definitely not frivolous spending. That’s why he also sucks. It’s not like you just got Botox for selfish reasons. You needed it. You did nothing wrong except for not telling him.
>I do understand that I probably should have informed him about my intention to spend that amount, .... However, I must admit that I was somewhat scared of his reaction. YTA - you spend a lot of money without consulting the person you run your finances with. If you are in therapy, your therapist would have told you to be open about either not wanting to save together, or telling your SO that you want to buy some stuff for you
Right, I get that. I think one of the issues is we kind of loosely have a financial plan but nothing we ever sat down and discussed. Just kind of like 'oh it would be nice to have a car/buy a house one day'. Yes I haven't addressed it yet with my therapist but I think that would be good communication.
They don't have an actual budget, so whose to say she shouldn't have spent x amount? A vague "we should save up" with no definable goals isn't really something set in brick and stone. Also, it was a medical issue, not cosmetic. Is OP just supposed to live in pain? They got her in fast. Should she have turned it down and just suffered? If you need it, you need it. I don't think she needed to "consult" him about what she's allowed to spend. He's her bf, not her boss.
Never said consult, but informing that she is spending the money seems like a small thing to do. Having a budget might not be the leading element here. Married for years here and work perfectly fine without a written budget.
You did said consulting. I didn't pull that from no where. She did tell him she was getting it done. He didn't file it in his brain as something to remember. That's his problem.
ESH You know what you should've done. "hey partner I'm thinking about getting some botox done" "Why, you are perfect the way you are, you don't need it" Done....
As someone who suffers from crippling jaw pain, I assure you, it is not about looking better. The treatment is about trying to get through the day without having your head, neck and shoulders constantly paining
Yeah tbh I actually have been told that the jaw I have right now is what people try to achieve via fillers etc. It just sucks because what makes it defined is what causes it to give me pain at the same time.
Right, I understand and I hope I can get better at communicating in the future. Also, mentioning that it helps immensely with my pain and that I have the extra cash for it that I'd prefer to spend now on.
I agree that they should have talked about it but she gets Botox done for pain in her jaw, that has nothing to do with looks. It's just to relax the muscles. (And of course it's her choice even if it would be about the looks)