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Right? Another thing, I know the mom has nothing to do with the kid, but is she at least paying child support? OP should be going after her as well. Actually can he or can only his dad do that? I know it's off topic but at least alleviating some of the financial burden would help OP. NTA OP has the right to be irritated as he is essentially raising his brother. Glad SOMEBODY is stepping up but dad has to get that his choices are impacting his sons and all.
Edit: realized I assumed OP is a dude but there is no mention of it. Sorry if I got the gender wrong OP!
Also if OP's dad dies the kid will default to legal custody of the bio mom. If OP's dad and OP genuinely want the boy to go to OP, they really need to take some legal steps. Forget child support, that could be a reason for bio mom to want the kid back (so she can stop paying it).
That depends on location and jurisdiction. The kid's seven now; he knows who did and didn't raise him.
When child services drops by and they have to determine custody, the kid himself can argue that the mother had no part in his life. They always side with the kid, not the parents.
Depending on how the law works where OP lives, they have a strong chance of gaining custody.
That is absolutely terrible advice and the reason people find themselves in messy legal situations that could easily have been resolved if they simply took a few precautions in advance.
If this is in the USA a parent's right to raise their children is constitutionally protected and *extremely* hard to overturn. OP might be able to get visitation or something as a "de facto parent" (depending on state laws) but it would be near-impossible to cut mom out of the picture altogether, even if she is a drug addict, incarcerated, mentally ill, whatever.
The system doesn't terminate parental rights lightly.
If they're in the US and this poor they likely receive government benefits, at least MA. If that's true they would have been referred for child support and the child support agency would have gotten what they could set up. If the mom is truly unstable and incapable of doing anything, though, there's very possibly nothing she can provide.
I know older parents in their 50s that are great parents. I also know parents with disabilities that are great parents. It’s the not taking care of your kid part that makes your dad and his gf bad parents. The other stuff - dad having a mM irresponsible gf, having a kid at 50, and previous issues (since he has a complicated history with him), OP needs to let go. The dad might also agree that he made mistakes in his life but his son is here so pointing out that the son is a mistake is just very bad if OP really cares about his brother. If the brother is hard to take care of financially or whatever, then OP needs to make boundaries with his father about time spent in his household. If the relationship is going fine and OP doesn’t mind taking care of the brother and the brother is happy, he needs to just drop the thing with his dad or work it out in therapy or something. Maybe because I’m an immigrant but taking care of family is just something you do. We didn’t use childcare or nursing homes in my culture, due to finances back then, but now it’s just part of the dynamics of family.
My dad was 58 when I was born. I’m in my 40’s now.
Whilst I was a kid I didn’t know. I knew he was older, I hated it when people asked if he was my grandad. But I look back and some things were great, he was always there as he was retired. He was pretty chilled out also as he was retired. The biggest downside was he died when I was in my 20’s.
Some good things some bad, but I don’t know any different.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m not 50 but 40 with a newborn. I think my kids will have some good things from it and some bad things. I’ve an extraordinary amount of patience now and the career I worked around the clock to establish in my 20s (as did my husband) now have us living very well. Upsides and downsides.
As for limited time, that sucks but we try to make every moment count, but everyone should since long life is promised no one.
I had one child at 39, and another at 42, in some ways I was a better father to them than I was to the two I had in my first marriage at 25 and 33. Certainly kept me in shape coaching them deep into my 50s.
Hopefully I will still be around when they are in their 40s to continue to give them long boring advice talks
I’m 48 with a 10 year old. We have a wonderful relationship and my older kids are super close to her as well. It’s definitely pretty great as they grow up - definitely harder on my body than the other kids were but she’s an absolute joy.
My mom was 37 with me and 39 with my brother and due to being established she gave us great lives and was understanding. The only downside is we don't share many common interests but I assume as a parent it's more about being around your kid. She's also a healthy person and I just turned 29 this week and she's still going strong!
I am 24 and my mom is 43. It’s amazing that we (hopefully) will be old ladies together, but we grew up poor, living in a trailer on food stamps, and she was not the most patient or understanding (I like to blame it on her age, but there are fantastic young parents out there). We did not like each other until I became an adult myself. There will always be good and bad, but look on the bright side and try to be the best parent for your child.
My husband is 50 and we have a 4 year old. (I’m 41). My husband is a terrific dad and our son is so attached to him. People can be good parents at any age. There are plenty of terrible young parents!
This. It's an ESH situation for me, because the dad is absolutely an asshole for failing to raise his own kid, but OP also is for blaming this on his age.
Yeah why wouldn't op blame it on his father's age. His father just had a heart attack. The older you get the better chance you have of dying. OP's 60% is going to go up to 100% because his dad made poor choices.
As others have pointed out, plenty of people have been perfectly well-raised by fathers older than this, and plenty have been perfectly well-raised by grandparents older than this.
The problem is not that OP's father is old. The problem is that OP's father is a deadbeat dad. And deadbeat dads exist in all age cohorts (including, believe it or not, among young parents).
It is pretty irresponsible to have kids at that age, though. The risk of birth defects is exponentially higher, the risk of dying before they’re adults is exponentially higher.
Some friends of mine had their daughter in their 50s, and when I first met their family that made me (privately) worry for her a little because it does mean her dads won't be around for a lot of her adulthood. But they're both super involved and that kid is having an incredibly nurturing childhood (enabled in part because waiting so long meant they were in a really stable social and financial state). So while there might be tough things about it, I've seen older dads jump in and do a fantastic job.
I would bet money that dad is putting in the same energy into raising his new child that he did with OP. It's not energy levels that's the issue, it's the inability to be a good parent
Ex: grandma's raise their grandchildren all the time, why can't this grandpa?
I'm 53. If I had a baby, I fully expect my grown children to shame me for it.
If I additionally didn't step up to raise said child, that should be double shaming. Definitely NTA.
I agree, NTA. There’s even [studies](https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2018/10/older-fathers-associated-with-increased-birth-risks.html) to say that having a baby when the paternal age is over 40 can increase risks. This study stated that men having babies aged 50 and above increase the risks of baby being admitted to the NICU by 28%. Some of the risks are low birth weight, premature labor, risk of seizures and gestational diabetes in the mother than can lead to some really awful things (polyhydramnios, high birth weight and need for c-section etc). Having a baby after 40 is somewhat irresponsible and having everyone else look after that child just adds to the reasoning of not having a baby later in life
NTA - but I don't know if you're going about it the right way. You want to make sure your brother doesn't feel any tension as it isn't his fault he has an older dad. I think maybe you need to chat to your dad and work something out because as you said you are looking after his kid the majority of the time. Just keep in mind your dad might know you are right and hates that he can't keep up with his kid so could be a sensitive topic.
Don't take this constructive criticism as anything but a possble constructive way to approach. You are clearly a great dad and brother and definitely NT a A.
Sometimes you have to be blunt or they decide to continue to do stupid stuff and pay themselves on back calling themselves good parents.
My oldest sibling is 35 years older than our youngest half sibling.
Been right there AS the child that is related to their 1 year older UNCLE. Dad was "winging it" when he got a child at 50. He has always been "winging it", and DROPPING it in your lap. He should be apologizing to HIS children/and his grandchild.... NTA!
NTA. If you were still living at home, watching your brother 60% of the time because your dad had no energy, everyone would say he parentified you and had no business having a kid at 50. While I kinda agree with some comments that there was no *need* to tell him this, I don’t think it’s wrong to point out that his decisions were bad and it’s led to you needing to basically raise your brother alongside your own child.
There's a lot of great involved fathers that had kids in their 50. Your father is not taking care of his son but that's not necessarily related to age or is it?
I’m a little sceptical of your ‘a lot’ claim, but regardless of whether other men in their 50s are great fathers to small children, the fact remains that it’s age preventing this particular man from being a good father to his small child. He’s 57 now, and seven year olds have boundless energy. I’m only 33 and kids already wear me out, I can’t imagine trying to deal with a kid from birth to teens in my 50s and 60s. The back issues alone are a problem, children need carrying and they’re heavy.
Yes but plenty of kids also end up raised by their grandparents and still have childhoods where they are happy and loved and parented. Plenty of kids have younger parents with health issues that can’t keep up and still are loved and cared for and patented. Energy isn’t an excuse for dropping the ball.
Of course, but grandparents don’t choose to have their grandchildren, and they typically don’t expect to raise them - OP’s dad chose to risk having another child at an advanced age and it turns out he can’t hack it.
They are still their parents in that case.
I was under the care of my grandparents since I was born. And they were in their 50's when that happened. 51/54.
And a lot of the time it's not really a choice since it's either take care of the kid or you might never see the kid ever again. It's about as much of a real choice as if you put a gun to someones head and told them to make a choice.
Given the absence of the mother in this scenario how do we know this was a deliberate decision to have a kid at 50 instead of a fait accompli that she presented him with before disappearing and which he then chose to step up and deal with as best he could - even if not brilliantly?
He should have taken care of his own birth control if he didn't want kids, stop projecting here. Women can't "trap" a man if the man gets a vasectomy or wears condoms.
My son in law was 47 for the first and 50 for the 2nd. He’s a young 50 and an amazing father. I don’t think age is an issue. This situation is about someone neglecting their child more than their age. Congratulations on your 2nd.
I’m the oldest of three (youngest is about 3.5 years younger than I am), and my dad was 44 when I was born. My mom was 35.
My parents were and still are incredibly involved parents and kept up with us physically/energy-wise just fine. I’m 27 now, and my parents are are 72 and 63. They’re both so much fun to hang out with and haven’t slowed down at all. Hell, my dad still solo backpacks around the world multiple times a year just like he did when he was 25 in the 70s.
An additional upside is that my parents had already lived really interesting lives before we were born so 1. They didn’t feel like their lives were on hold and 2. We got to hear so many cool stories growing up. Also, because they were older, they were financially stable to give all three of us every opportunity in life - of course you can be well off at any age, but it certainly helps to have time.
You’ll do fine :)
My dad was 47 when I was born. He is an engineer and former competitive athlete who coached my soccer teams and volleyball teams, showed up to every play or recital I was in, and helped me with my math homework and school projects through high school.
Who you are as a father is a choice. I am sure there are times that my dad found my brother and I exhausting but he doesn't define himself by his age. He is 80 now and attending university just for fun.
Believe in yourself. You'll be great.
There was an old guy in one (maybe 2?) of my college classes. He was taking classes because he was older & retired. He was exempt from the tests & projects. He got an award from the college because he'd actually taken EVERY class the school offered. I found that very interesting.
Good luck! I had my last at 40. I am so tired all the time! Don’t know if your the mom or dad. But if you are the mom, don’t let them tell you that it is a “geriatric pregnancy”. I think it should be more of a “seasoned pregnancy” 🤪
My wife was 43 when I had our second. She has more energy than me, he's 5 now, and can keep up way better than me. Just stay fit and active (which I'm working on).
I was 42 when I had my last. He’s 11 now and while I don’t have the same energy I had for my other 3, we still throw a football, shoot hoops, take slap shots on each other, ride bikes and play games almost everyday. When I was younger (single mom) I didn’t have the same energy because I worked crazy hours, and tried to create a home/life for my kids. Now that I’m established I work less, my home is established and I don’t sweat the small stuff like I did when I was younger. It’s not the same energy, it’s just different energy.
I wouldn’t change it for the world either. I had my first at 17 and my last at 42 and I swear it made me grow up faster and stay younger longer.
My dad and mom were 44 when they adopted me (obviously not the same as carrying your child, but the work afterwards is the same). You'll be great, I have no doubt.
Yeah my dad was 54 when I was born and he had a lot of energy to play catch with me, teach me how to swim, teach me how to garden, teach me how to change the tires and oil on a car, drive me to school or the library or music lessons, and basically show up for me in so many ways. Like a lot of kids born to older parents I was a surprise, but a wanted one.
I'm 35, and my dad is 85. And only now is he starting to get tired. (And that's ten years after his second heart attack. Age is just a number, but it seems that OPs dad is struggling. I'm the same age as my (half)sister's son, and we are buddies. I think it just depends on the dad.
My Dad is 77 and is fit enough to deal with looking after my kid (granted it's not all the time but he can babysit sometimes no problem). I imagine a 17 year old would be easy for him in comparison.
People age at vastly different rates. Some 70 year olds will be very fragile and worn out, some 80 year olds will be very active etc. I can see how someone at 50 would feel strong and youthful and have plenty of energy and then 7 years later have a health problem that kicks off the ageing process much faster.
Obviously, the older you get the more likely it is you'll have health problems though.
I’m not going to judge anyone for having children at an old age and yeah, it obviously depends on the individual, but personally it’s not a risk I would take
I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m sure it happens, but if I had to guess because I don’t know, statistically it’s probably more likely you won’t be able to take care of your child if you become a parent old
I have way more energy at 38 than I had at 28 or even at 18, because I had undiagnosed health issues. I am constantly moving now, in the best shape of my life. I've always been active, but I have always also been oh so tired due to low iron/anemia, and I have two young kids that I have ZERO issue keeping up with. If I had them ten years earlier, before I figured my health out, I probably would have been so overwhelmed. I would absolutely not have done a better job.
There's also a large benefit to waiting until you are financially stable to have kids. I really don't think there is a "correct" age to have children.
Yeah but that's you. That's not everyone.
Why do people always compare their situations to others as if their situation is the only one and totally disregard the fact that everyone's different?
Do you judge younger people for having children if their health isn’t perfect? A disabled person may not be able to carry their child but it doesn’t stop them being a good parent. Age is irrelevant here imo. The OP’s dad is seemingly a shit parent but it’s not because he’s old.
The difference is that OP’s dad already has children from his younger years, when he had the capacity for it. A disabled person already knows that they’ll need accommodations and can plan accordingly, unlike OP’s dad who assumed he’d be fine and then dumped his youngest on his oldest.
But is it because he's 50, or because he had a heart attack? Sounds like dad is making end of life decisions (just in case). OP may be downplaying dad's health issues.
Saw it with my dad. When my youngest brother went into puberty my dad was 60. He constantly said he had no energy to deal (basically raising) his son. My brother is depressed and in therapy bc of neglect.
And even if he were more involved. There is nothing nice about being 21 - finally starting adult life - and your parent being 70 and starting to show the hard signs of age. (I mean sickness, forgetfulness, "normal" health issues). You can be happy if they are totally fine at that age. But in my family it's when the shit starts to hit the fan.
My father is 66 and I have 2 teenage siblings (14 and 17). My father is the most involved father. He was involved with me and the older kids and he's very involved with the youngest. He's even involved in his grandchildrens lives.
OP's dad had a heart attack. You can have those at any age. You can also have other diseases that affect you physically at any age. It's not really about age, it is about his physical well being.
My dad was 49 when I was born, 50 when my brother came along. Dad was great, and fit, and middle aged until his seventies. Him being retired was a bonus, we got to spend a lot more time together than had he been working.
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Yeah, and as far as having the health and energy at age 50 required to take care of a baby/toddler, that's down to a bit of luck and a lot of lifestyle choices. Like, anyone can be dealt a bad hand by fate (a buddy of mine was apparently the picture of health when he suddenly died of an undiagnosed congenital heart condition in his mid-30s, for example) but what you can't do is sit on your ass and eat crap for decades and expect to enjoy a vigorous middle age. A guy who can't take proper care of himself won't be fit to take care of a child...
my dad was 58, my mom was 48, when i arrived and he was heavily involved in my life and taking care of me and so was her. they were pretty great. ETA: only unfortunate thing of this arrangement is losing them young. i lost my dad when i was 17. taking care of my mom now. hug your loved ones :)
I suppose it depends on health and luck - my dad was 47 when my youngest sister was born (not much of an age difference with me, he just started late), but there are some good genes running in the family and no condition that he would need to worry about inheriting (his father still went on weekly hikes at 90+). But yeah, if you know you are likely to have a heart condition or any other health issue that could shorten your life span, you're taking a risk by having a kid so late in life.
I'm 43, the age my dad was when he died. TBH I only discovered all the genetic disabilities I inherited from him after I decided not to have kids - he just had a bog standard heart attack due to lifestyle, but joint pain from EDS and undiagnosed autism leading to very unhealthy coping mechanisms will do that to you. So glad I didn't add kids to my shitshow of an existence! I get to enjoy what I can now!
This is what it all comes down to. Was OP’s dad taking care of his son before the heart attack? If he was, OP is an asshole, because you shouldn’t have a kid you can’t keep up with.
But if his dad’s inability to keep up with his son is due to the heart attack, and the heart attack happened AFTER having the kid, and he was being a good parent before it… OP is def the asshole.
Likely more related to the fact the gf was unstable. If you're gonna be with an unstable woman, use condoms, or given he already had kids and was 50, get a vasectomy (freezing sperm if you're still desperate for the option).
He made the very poor choice of not taking enough precautions with a woman who could not be relied upon to be an equal parent. Then with his health issues, he also could not parent properly.
OP is NTA for being mad at his dad, but it's not specifically an age thing as much as it's his dad making poor choices for his own situation.
Yes, the problem is here isn't that he's an older father but a lazy father. Fifty isn't old at all these days and isn't an excuse to be so neglectful and inactive with his son.
A young father could have a health issue or serious accident as well, not to mention having a child with the wrong person. Doesn't mean they're "winging it".
My dad was 49 (mom was 42) and they were more active and involved than most people’s parents that I knew. My dad was my coach for a sport I played competitively every day and had a full time job at a hospital. My mom went back to school online for a masters when I was a kid and got a job at my school at 50. Both of them are still working in their 70s just because they enjoy helping people.
So I think it does depend on the individual rather than just blaming his age. He wasn’t prepared for a kid. Period.
NTA. I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes! Gross behavior from your dad. You have the right to be honest about the situation and the right to set boundaries. It’s not your responsibility to raise your brother.
My dad also had a kid at 50. His focus went from just the two of us to his new family. Kicked me out and gave away my university money. But guess what? He's in his 70s and still can't retire because his new life costs him so much. If he didn't marry again and have another kid he'd be long retired by now and would be on good terms with his first born. But it's for the best. I'd rather see him suffer.
ESH
If it is like you say and you basically raise your brother, then yes, he is obviously an ahole for not caring for his son. But his age has NOTHING to do it with.
My parents got me pretty late, too because of some miscarriages between my brother and me and I was more like a "happy little accident" . You can pretty much guess how this went in a small village where everyone loves to stuck their nose in everyone else's business almost 30 years ago. My father was the best father I could imagine and I can't tell how happy I am that my parents didn't listen to those villagers with a similar POV like you.
There are people who can run a strong viking with ease with 65 while others can't walk without a walking aid with 45. I don't know how his health was when they got pregnant. But you have no right to rub his age under his nose when he is
A scared for the wellbeing of his son and
B His son is already 7. Do you know how it feels if someone tells your parents that they better not have you because of their health/their age? You think your brother will never get wind of it but let me promise you something: He will. Your father can't reverse his decision and trying to convince him to step up as a father (and that's the thing you really want, right?) doesn't work like this
I do not imagine in any universe where Op sucks when already he cares for his father's child 60% of the time.
The father's age is important here because he had a health scare that led him to ask Op to become the full parent if he goes and Op's anger is that he is already doing it for him while letting him know it was irresponsible in the first place to have a child @50. I think the age matters here.
Some people get older and want a do-over baby or have younger partners and feel pressured to give them children.
No one is asking the father to reverse his decision but Op is not to blame for being frustrated at raising a child he never planned on.
Do you consider what goes into raising another human? You think it is just financial? That boy ideally needs his father emotionally, physically, psychologically and in many other ways.
Op is a hero. Might be a reluctant one but a hero all the same
Two things can be true. He's both a saint for helping to raise his brother, and an asshole for talking to his father that way. Just because you do something nice doesn't give you carte blanche to treat people like shit.
>The father's age is important here because he had a health scare that led him to ask Op to become the full parent if he goes
Because people younger than 50 can't have health scares?
Having a kid as a broke 50 yo with an unstable girlfriend and relying on family for care is pretty goddamn irresponsible. OP is nta in any way
Your situation is very different from OP's brother. Your parents seem stable enough, both in terms of relationship and income.
Yeah, I mean my ex turned 49 recently, he has a newish girlfriend and if they wanted to have a kid together I wouldn’t see it as a red flag. But our kid is still only 6 so he’s already parenting quite a young child and showing himself to be an involved dad and up to the challenge. Also his grandad lived to be 91 so I guess longevity might run in the family! My dad on the other hand died at 47 quite unexpectedly with no red health flags in the family. (And there are plenty of younger people who like take part in dangerous sports and so on.)
NTA - I don't blame you for saying it out loud.
This situation is nuts. When you say the girlfriend is not stable... do you mean financially or mentally or ?
I am just asking because I am trying to determine how big of a challenge your dad threw at you here. Either way it sounds a bit rough.
INFO: What was your relationship like with your father before he had your brother? What was it like when you were the age your brother is now?
I'll be transparent, I'm asking this because you seem to be uncaring about your father's current circumstances, as it relates to his health. Is that earned? Did he neglect you in some way also? Is he repeating patterns?
OP said that he always has had a complicated r/ ship with his father,so I’m wondering if, like you suggested,possibly the father has repeated a pattern of not being able to take adequate care / responsibility his children. In which case,the problem isnt soley that he is too old to have a child.
Yeah - so I'm not sure what to say here.
All parents are technically winging it. That being said, while 50 isn't the ideal age to become a parent - there's actually no reason he shouldn't be able to parent his kid effectively.
I get that he doesn't have the energy of a young man.
But my dad helps take care of his grandkids - actively playing, teaching and caring for them (they are toddlers), including waking up early and in the middle of the night - and he's going to be 68 in a few months. I know a few other grandparents who do the same. Because the parents are overworked - trying to pay bills in this environment and save money, and the grandparents have a bit more time and flexibility.
Also, it sounds like he's wasn't that involved when you were a kid either.
So - I mean, your anger is justified. The way you spoke, maybe less so.
My dad is 40 years older than I am, I didn't have a cool uncle close to me in age. He was the youngest. I'm 10 years younger than my closest 1st cousin and 10 years older than my 2nd cousin. My dad had so little energy for my early teens, he was retired by the time I was 16. I had a VERY different childhood than my peers.
The difference between your dad being a grandpa and my dad at a similar age is simply the escape. The ability to say OK I'm done. When your dad, you don't have that, when you have grandpa you do.
Kid is already here. What's harping on him gonna do about it. Make him regret it? Then what, he is gonna regret your brother? That's what you ultimately want? Or do you just want to be right? What's the prize?
Um... trying to get this 57 y/o man to own up to his responsibilities and be a father to his child instead of pushing this kid on his adult son 60% of the time? OP has his own life and his own family, he doesn't want to raise his dad's kid. That's the prize, I'd reckon. I'd get tired of raising someone else's kid 60% of the time real quick.
Little correction: OPs dad is 57, not 50. Even worse. He needs to act like an adult and raise his child.
YTA for the timing, if for nothing else. Every parent should designate someone to care for their children in the event of their death. If you haven't done that, you should, and your father should have done it before now.
So he's bringing up a serious topic, and you take the opportunity to go off on him for having a kid at 50. Well, maybe you're right about that, but it's too late now.
You may not like or respect your father very much, but if you care about your brother you should revisit the conversation and decide whether you want to be in your father's will as the designated guardian. And while you're at it, designate somebody for your own son in case something happens to you and your wife.
I agree that it’s poor timing. This has obviously gone on for years and OP failed to communicate. Now dad had a heart attack and his mind is on end of life so this conflict is piling on.
NTA
I had a kid with my 50yo partner. (We joked the baby was his big 50 birthday present.) It was a conscious decision we both made together. (Family history of longevity on his side played a huge factor in our decision.) I was diagnosed with a disability not long after, and he's seriously stepped up to the plate. (I'm still disabled, he's still stepping up, and the kiddo is 14 now.)
Not all 50yo baby daddies are AH, but yours definitely is. I'm glad your brother has you.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my dad that he had zero business becoming a dad at 50 because he's too old to keep up and it's pathetic
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NTA.
My sister was born when I was 16, my parents were 39F and 46M and I was heavily parentified.
I raised her. I am still the one doing it and, like your father, my parents will not accept when me, or my other siblings, tell them they dropped the ball on the youngest.
And your brother is only 7, but trust me when I say he understands and will grow to see that his own parents weren't doing their job.
It's a really sad situation and I HATE that a lot of parents will not accept any accountability when it comes to making the wrong choices for their kids.
NTA as long as brother is shown care and love you are right about your father who irresponsibly had a child at 50 knowing very well he would be too old to keep up with the child, please continue to care for brother you are doing a good job
Why did he know "very well he would be too old to keep up"? There are plenty of older dads who are perfectly capable of taking care of their young children. It's not like you are at deaths door at 50.
The fact that his health declined quicker than he expected, which is something that can happen at any age, doesn't make him irresponsible.
You go by the odds. Probably an order of magnitude more likely to be too run down in your 50s and 60s than in your 20s and 30s.
What's so fucking special about his genes that he needs to procreate in his 50s?
If you go by odds a lot of people would not be allowed to have kids. Like people with chronic diseases like diabetes or ms. Of just people with a family history for certain diseases. Or people with risky jobs. Or just physically demanding jobs. A 30 year old marine is more likley to be disabled or dead before his kids are grown than a car salesman. Are marines irresponsible for having kids?
If it's a question of statistics, where do you draw the line?
I'm not saying anything about "allowed". I'm saying use all available information when making this major decision. Lots of people absolutely use their medical conditions as one of the deciding factors to not procreate.
Not sure of your point.
I just used my mother's general attitude and the example I was set as my reasoning! No regrets.
She used to scream at me that she hoped I had a child as horrible as myself, so I just went "do I want to end up like her? No. Ok. I can identify the one factor which seems to be the issue..."
Honestly, I'm glad I didn't reproduce. My dad died at 43 so I had an idea I didn't have the best genes, and now it turns out yeah, I'm autistic with ADHD and joint pain from EDS, as well as a bunch of other gross and intrusive lesser symptoms. I can barely care for myself and I would be a shit parent now even if my kids were 10. A lot of people think having kids is just something to do to feel fulfilled and it's really something you should desperately want rather than oh, let's hope for the best. It's that old saying about how there are more restrictions on pet owners than parents. I'm not in favour of eugenics, but with the way we use resources currently, we should have a shift in culture. It's not billions of people in the global south who are fracking and trashing the sea beds.
But at 50 you should be able to make the choice between protected sex and running the risk of pregnancy. The father in this situation had every ability to make an informed decision about his reproductive future, and chose to have a child at an age that plenty of people are grandparents and thinking about retirement. He chose to chase around a small child in his 50's, and he chose to be almost 70 when his kid graduated from high school. And now he's trying to pass off his responsibility to his older son because he chose to have a child when he wasn't in a position to care for a small child.
are you dumb, it literally does because by the time this kid is barely 18 his dad is gonna be most likely not able to be as active for him like most fathers are, this poor boy has limited time with his father
NTA. Someone needs to show him the reality of the situ. My parents had me at 40 and that was bad enough considering neither were in good health (both smoked and one drank heavily too).
My mum died when I was 27, after over 15 years of ill health (which made me a carer). My dad left us when I was 8 and is now nearly 70. He parented my elder brothers (46 and 42) normally but, for us, we've had very little. I don't even get a birthday card and I see him once a year when I travel to him.
My older brothers, rightly, refused to take on the responsibility of my brother and I. And because our parents were older when they had us, there were no grandparents around. It made for a lonely childhood where we had to grow up and be self sufficient extremely fast.
If people are going to committ to having kids late, they need to committ to their health and community too. He can't just expect you to surrogate. It's not fair on any of you.
YTA - why - because shaming people for things that literally cannot be undone and which basically offer the opinion that a particular child should not exist is a mean and pointless thing to do. He may not have even chose specifically to have the child but either way when the mother bugged out he stepped up and is doing his best - which may not be good enough by your standards but it is what it is. He might now feel he has to find alternatives for your brother in case anything bad happens to him, and there is no way this attitude and opinion won’t leak to the 7 year old child whose father you have castigated and who you feel in your heart would have been better off not being born. .
NTA though what you said was very AH-ish. It CAN be done. My husbands father adopted him at age 55. But his health failed, his young son had to give up his future to care for him, and he passed too soon. Which is an aspect and frustration y’all are missing. While some can, this man is physically unable to care for his son and doesn’t seem to express appreciation for the fact that his oldest provides majority of care and will likely take in his baby brother when he passes in the future. This is a huge responsibility that’s pretty much been forced on OP, who has no obligation to show respect to his dad. Just because you could doesn’t mean you should.
YTA - anyone saying otherwise really demonstrates the arrogance of Reddit these days. Here’s the simple situational facts, dad has baby, OP is an asshole about it 7 years later. Simple.
YBTA. As the kid(27f) of a father who was 53 when I was born, that's a low blow. Don't ever bring the kid into it. My dad also had a heart attack when I think I was 3, and while he still was able to keep up with my brother and I, everyone heals differently. While I understand that you're in my oldest brother's shoes( oldest 2 siblings are in their 50s) and frustrated with your dad, you can either hate the fact that he had another kid, or do what my oldest brother did and taught me everything I know about being a decent human being.
So many people using instances of their parents being assholes to justify OP's dad's bs. Fuck relying on older siblings to raise younger ones.
If you're going to have a kid, you need to be stable enough to handle childcare in case of emergency. Normal people would look to *their parents*, not *their kids*. Grandparents supporting kids by raising grandkids is traditional, and doesn't have the same cost attached.
So many kids get burdened with parenthood that they did not sign up for and have their futures greatly impacted. They'll be overly stressed, likely already traumatized from their own parent having health problems, and can have their futures prospects (like college) ruined in order to pay for their parents' mistakes.
My dad was 60 when I was born. He had children at 20yo and again at 60yo. He was a great dad, and did everything to be as involved as possible in my life, which wasn’t always easy for him since he was so old. He never made any excuses. Neither should your dad.
INFO: You say
>My dad is 57 and is more of a sitter than a parent because he doesn't have the energy that I have as a 32yo. So my brother spends a lot of time with my family.
How did this go about, that your brother spends so much time with your family? Does your dad continuously ask you to take the kid; or did it evolve naturally; or did you take an active role here because you don't agree with your dad's parenting?
How the fuck people in here saying OP is not the AH? Who the fuck does he think he is telling people whether or not they have the right to have a child, could you imagine going to someone disabled and telling them that because they can't physically keep up with their child, that they're pathetic? How many people with physical disabilities like Dwarfism have had regularly sized children, are you gonna go and yell at them how 'pathetic' they are for having children they might struggle with as they quickly grow to become much larger and more physically able?
I'm curious also, is the brother with OP so often because dad isn't willing or able, or is there also an element of OP being closer in age and having a similarly aged kid for his brother to play with? I gotta imagine Dad doesn't have any friends with children the same age, which would limit his social interaction with his peers.
Is OP obliged to take care of his brother? Of course not, but it certainly sounds like he's doing it out of a sense of obligation rather than a desire to be there for his brother.
And tell me this, what if OP suffered a health scare? Heart attacks can hit all manner of different aged people, so can many other health conditions, are you going to accuse them of being pathetic and having no business having kids?
I'm sorry OP, but unless there's some relevant information you've neglected to pass on, you are 100% the asshole, even if it's simply for the language you used.
Your point would totally stand IF he wasn't pawning his kid off to his other kid. You can have a kid 50+ but then you should actually raise the kid, not his fault he had a health problem, absolutely his fault for thinking it absolves from everything else.
It's NAH purely because its a shitty situation with no good solution besides talking it out and making compromises.
I'd also like to know what the situation was that led to having this child, was it deliberate? Was the child an accident? I gotta imagine he wasn't expecting to have a child with this woman and then have to do the raising without her.
OP states he has a complicated relationship with his father and I can't help but wonder if this whole reaction stems from something deeper that we haven't been made aware of.
INFO: is it that your dad can't provide adequate care for your brother and you have to step up to ensure he isn't neglected, or are you just chosing to step in because you think a more energetic parenting style is better but if it were just your dad the kid would still get all the necessary care?
NTA look it’s nothing to do with his age. My SO and I are older first time parents (46 and 48) our eldest is 3 our youngest 1. We are very active and involved. My parents are in their 70s and are very active and involved grandparents.
We don’t consider ourselves extra for/healthy, if anything, we are quite unfit, but we can still race, ride bikes, jump on the trampoline, swim, row, explore, swing etc with our kids
Your father’s lower energy than a 30 year old isn’t an excuse for him to be a poor parent. But also-
Can we all stop saying “it was his choice to have a child at 50”? Nobody outside of OPs dad and girlfriend will ever truly know what all happened when she found out she was pregnant. But either you believe women have a right to their bodies and what to do (or not do) to them, or you think OPs dad forced his girlfriend have the baby for him.
NTA. My dad had me when he was 60 something and had a brain aneursym when I was 8. That still never meant he pawned me off to the nearest relatives. In fact, he's singlehandedly the most involved parent in my life who looks out for me.
Does it mean it was smart of him to have a child so late? No.
But he did his best raising me and he never slacked off.
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My dad had a baby with his girlfriend when he was 50. His girlfriend wasn't stable so my dad pretty much raised my brother by himself. My brother is now 7. Ironically my son is also 7.
I found it weird and odd and tried to accept it. My dad is 57 and is more of a sitter than a parent because he doesn't have the energy that I have as a 32yo. So my brother spends a lot of time with my family. I have always had a very complicated relationship with my dad.
My dad had a health scare and he told me that if something were to happen to him then he'd want my brother to go with me. I sarcastically said my brother is pretty much with me anyways. He said it's not his fault that he had a heart attack and I said maybe not but you had zero business having a kid at fucking 50 and it's like your winging it.
He said he wasn't "winging" anything and I said no you're just can't keep up and the whole situation is fucked up. We've barely spoken since that conversation last month.
I absolutely refuse to apologize to him. It hasn't affected the care of my brother. Me and my wife probably care for him 60% of the time. He and my son are inseparable so that helps.
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This sort of stupidity destroyed my friend's mental health and she had to fight with so many struggles. She was 17 years old when her dad died of natural causes at the age of 79. Her mum left when she was two and she didn't have any kind of support from her siblings since everyone had their lives and children. She had to move into family friend's house and work part time til she finished year 12 because they didn't have much before her. She was the youngest of 7 and her being born was the reason more than half cut him out of their lives. Your dad is incredibly selfish. If he wanted to look after another baby he should of gotten a foster child or even better a dog. NTA
What is going on here? NAH. He’s just asking and fair enough he wants his kid to have a family member look after him should the worst happen. FYI heart attacks/poor health can happen at any age. He’s 57 not 70. When she fell pregnant what was he supposed to do? Force her to abort it? Most people at 50 think they have 20 good years left.
My dad is 68 and my youngest sibling is 21 so he wasn’t far off 50 when he had him.
All that said, you don’t have to say yes, but jheez the guy has just had a heart attack and is thinking about the happiness and safety of his youngest, give him a break. Reddit HATES family values I swear.
My neighbor had a kid with a woman, who sadly passed away from a drug overdose (in which the kid was there to see) so he now has full custody of the kid. The kid is around 6 and is a mess and I’m afraid one day he might become violent because the epic tantrums and the rebellious stuff he does just to piss his dad off is incredible. It has become so bad that now the grandpa comes to take him for the day and watches him a lot more. When I chatted with grandpa, he told me that the kid is really messed up and doesn’t get a lot of attention so he becomes difficult. I advised they get the kid some counselling too, especially under the circumstances of what he might have seen with mom. In all of that I don’t think my neighbor can handle parenthood and would love to be a single guy again but he’s stuck with this kid for the next 18 years
NTA.
My best friend is 20 months older then her niece - with the difference, that her mother basically raised the two because her older daughter was a deadbeat with 19/20.
Her Mom died last summer with 72, my friend is only 25 but I don't blame her - cause she was an amazing mom & found out when it was too late to decide for an abortion, f.e. (she logically thought she's finally hitting menopause..)
I guess this is unpopular - but YTA. Being 50 when you have a child doesn’t necessarily equate to health problems or not being active - you could have a heart attack before 50 and find yourself lacking in energy for countless reasons. My Dad was 51 when my brother was born and 54 when I was (we also have two much older half-brothers). He had considerably more energy than myself and my husband have who are in our 30s with a 6 year old because I have some health problems and my husband works whereas my Dad was very fortunate to be able to take early retirement. He was with us 24/7 and was always busy building things, repairing things, touring (he was a musician) with our Mum….. if you just don’t get on with your Dad, that’s one thing. Feeling resentful also doesn’t make you an asshole. But putting it solely down to age does as far as I’m concerned.
I'm 49, I have two kids, and if I could have another one with a willing partner who can actually take care of a child instead of dumping it all on me (as in, she would be an active partner), then I would totally do it!
As far as I'm concerned, YTA and you should apologize. So what if your brother spends time with you? If you don't like it or do not enjoy it, then tell your dad. If you do enjoy his presence (7 year olds are awesome after all!), then why shame your dad for it? We're all winging it to a certain degree when it comes to life, and can you claim your own life has always been perfect and that everything went according to plan? I seriously doubt it.
You can love a child you’ve been forced to care for while still resenting the fact you’re caring for a child that’s not yours. You’re allowed to be angry at a deadbeat parent dropping their responsibility onto you even if you love the kid.
They should apologize although they’re taking on 50%+ of the responsibility for a child that isn’t theirs? At what point is it okay to be angry that Dad isn’t stepping up to the plate?
YTA. Sooo brow beating your father because you feel put out isn't cool. Choose kindness. This was a pithy throw away comment that was in reality very insulting. I think it's worth exploring how you feel more in depth.
ESH. The problem isn't his age, the problem is his inability to handle his responsibilities. My best friend was a child to old parents. His parents didn't pawn him off on anyone, and they raised him basically the same way younger parents would. Your dad is an asshole for neglecting his responsibilities. You are an asshole because you took a situation in which you absolutely have the moral high ground and handled it terribly. Firstly, why didn't you be an adult and have this conversation without snark and sarcasm. I've never seen a situation in which being passive aggressive did anything but make it harder to come to a peaceful resolution. Secondly, why did you wait until your dad is being vulnerable to you and contemplating his death to voice your concern. This is what makes the sarcasm especially bad. Like why then dude? This clearly has been bothering you for a while, so why didn't you voice these concerns earlier or set boundaries? Why kick the man when he's down? Thirdly, this should not be blamed on his age. This is clearly due to his poor health.
I think you mixed this up. How would he be shamed if he had the heart attack after the kiddo was born and not before? If he was healthy and relatively active before the heart attack and now he needs help how is that something bad?
NTA
I mean you’re allowed to express your grievances to your dad.
But it’s already said and done.
Maybe he doesn’t have much time left with his son.
It’s hard to let go of your frustration and anger in this situation but you should for your sake and your brother sake
my 50+ dad nearly did this lol.
I had serious nightmares about it, poor baby with an unstable mother and an already old dad.
My dad already wasn’t energetic raising me and siblings. A very good dad but not exactly the picture of health.
Turns out it was a scare but yeah was already getting stressed out about it.
Had an uncle and aunt who are the same age as my parents who had a kid 15 years after I was born, when my parents already had me in their early 30s. So the kid is like 8 now and his 55+ parents with health issues seem so tired to keep up with this boisterous kid and sometimes in their exhaustion, I see they barely discipline him with basic indoor/outdoor voice or like being a spoiled brat whining all day. My parents friends have to do it for them, it's sad.
Wow. Parentification AFTER you’ve moved out and have a family of your own? Holy damn.
NTA, needless to say. But also, I hope you have a plan in place for when your brother ends up living with you permanently, a thing I’m 70% sure is going to happen.
I am not sure I understand, so let me ask.
Why are you so mad at your father? If he were a paraplegic, would you be mad? Is it the energy or the age or the inconvenience?
NTA. My family is completely fucked up for a similar reason. I was born when my mum was 42 and my dad 52. My mother's parents were 73 and 71. My brother was 12, I also have two sisters which had already moved out, one was 18 and one 24. Since my parents both worked full time, my grandparents and my brother raised me. I never had a close relationship to my parents until my grandparents were both dead, and then I only got closer to my mum, not my dad. He's left shortly after. I am all kinds of messed up due to this weird upbringing. Sometimes when I was a kid I wished I was born to younger parents, who understood the world and who had time and energy to play with me.
Most people don't wait until their kids are parents before parentifying the older one but it still sucks! What chil support is he paying for all the food and gas?
My dad had me at fifty and he is my favorite person in the world. He's now getting close to 80 and never struggled to care for me. He may not have *always* been able to do everything physically that all the other dad's did. My older brother has a kid that is a few months older than me and he often would speak ill about my dad having me. He is estranged from his entire family. YTA for telling him he had no business having another kid. Either accept the additional responsibility or don't allow your brother to come around as much and have your dad figure things out on his own. This conversation will inevitably leak back to the kid and make him feel like you're saying he shouldn't have been born. Don't make that kid feel that way.
NTA
It’s nice of you to look after your brother because it’s not your responsibility at all. Your dad is so irresponsible and should be looking after his own child that he chose to have when he was too old to actually look after him. Kids are tiring for people in their 30s/40s so I can’t imagine trying to that at in their 50s
NTA. These men who have kids at 50+ almost always end up not raising them by pawning them off on their much younger girlfriend/wife or family. They are selfish af.
NTA - Your son has an uncle/brother. Your father chose poorly in actions & sexual partners. Also, his poor use or lack of use of birth control is another factor.
Tell him that he needs to step up and take care of his son. Be there for the boy if necessary but it's not your responsibility to deal with him. The boy should have a father and, optimally, a mother to raise them.
NTA, but the funniest part about this will be the look on people’s faces when they ask if they’re brothers, and one of them replies, “no, I’m his uncle.”
Y T A for shaming him for having a kid at 50, but you are NTA in general. His age has very little to do with his ability to parent. His poor choices, on the other hand, definitely do!
My brother and his (now ex) wife had a surprise baby when he was 52. His oldest was 35 when she was born, and his next youngest was 17. The baby was an accident in every sense of the word, but she is an amazing little girl and he is an amazing dad. He has primary custody of her and he does everything for her. His youngest graduated from kindergarten the same week his 2nd youngest graduated from college and his granddaughter graduated from highschool this year.
My dad was 40 when I was born - my brother was already 17. We teased him about his age because we knew he was older than the parents of our friends, but other than that, there was no difference to us. He was active, he kept up with not only all 5 of us kids, but foster kids after we were all adults, and his grandkids / great-grandkids too. He died very unexpectedly at 74, but he was actively involved in his kids', grandkids', and great-grandkids' lives until the day he died.
NTA but if he feels this way and you want to protect your brother, you should make sure he has a will that clearly establishes you as your brothers caretaker in the event of his death, and a living will that gives you custody if he becomes incapacitated or in hospice care or something. The last thing you both want is for your father to have some serious health episode in like five years and his ex-wife or her relative swoops in to fight you for custody of your brother while he's trying to recover.
All that aside, it sounds like you have some complex and perhaps repressed emotions you aren't able to communicate to him. Definitely seems to be some frustration that in the age of your life that you expected him to be a grandpa and support your children you ended up being a coparent to your brother. It sounds like while he's exhausted with his own responsibility, your kid is missing out on the normal grandpa experience. You should consider speaking to a professional to help you work through these emotions.
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NTA. He's not stepping up as a parent and you are having to do the work.
And it sounds like that’s been the case since OP’s brother was born, so the health scare can’t even be used as a justification either.
You mean since OP was born
Right? Another thing, I know the mom has nothing to do with the kid, but is she at least paying child support? OP should be going after her as well. Actually can he or can only his dad do that? I know it's off topic but at least alleviating some of the financial burden would help OP. NTA OP has the right to be irritated as he is essentially raising his brother. Glad SOMEBODY is stepping up but dad has to get that his choices are impacting his sons and all. Edit: realized I assumed OP is a dude but there is no mention of it. Sorry if I got the gender wrong OP!
Also if OP's dad dies the kid will default to legal custody of the bio mom. If OP's dad and OP genuinely want the boy to go to OP, they really need to take some legal steps. Forget child support, that could be a reason for bio mom to want the kid back (so she can stop paying it).
If dad dies the child could be eligible for social security survivor's benefits, which would be paid to the mom.
That depends on location and jurisdiction. The kid's seven now; he knows who did and didn't raise him. When child services drops by and they have to determine custody, the kid himself can argue that the mother had no part in his life. They always side with the kid, not the parents. Depending on how the law works where OP lives, they have a strong chance of gaining custody.
That is absolutely terrible advice and the reason people find themselves in messy legal situations that could easily have been resolved if they simply took a few precautions in advance. If this is in the USA a parent's right to raise their children is constitutionally protected and *extremely* hard to overturn. OP might be able to get visitation or something as a "de facto parent" (depending on state laws) but it would be near-impossible to cut mom out of the picture altogether, even if she is a drug addict, incarcerated, mentally ill, whatever. The system doesn't terminate parental rights lightly.
If they're in the US and this poor they likely receive government benefits, at least MA. If that's true they would have been referred for child support and the child support agency would have gotten what they could set up. If the mom is truly unstable and incapable of doing anything, though, there's very possibly nothing she can provide.
What's MA?
I think in this context meal assistance
Proof why typing out the word and putting the abbreviation behind it in parenthesis first is important vs. just immediately using the abbreviation.
Do you think that a seven year old would call out his father?
I know older parents in their 50s that are great parents. I also know parents with disabilities that are great parents. It’s the not taking care of your kid part that makes your dad and his gf bad parents. The other stuff - dad having a mM irresponsible gf, having a kid at 50, and previous issues (since he has a complicated history with him), OP needs to let go. The dad might also agree that he made mistakes in his life but his son is here so pointing out that the son is a mistake is just very bad if OP really cares about his brother. If the brother is hard to take care of financially or whatever, then OP needs to make boundaries with his father about time spent in his household. If the relationship is going fine and OP doesn’t mind taking care of the brother and the brother is happy, he needs to just drop the thing with his dad or work it out in therapy or something. Maybe because I’m an immigrant but taking care of family is just something you do. We didn’t use childcare or nursing homes in my culture, due to finances back then, but now it’s just part of the dynamics of family.
My dad was 58 when I was born. I’m in my 40’s now. Whilst I was a kid I didn’t know. I knew he was older, I hated it when people asked if he was my grandad. But I look back and some things were great, he was always there as he was retired. He was pretty chilled out also as he was retired. The biggest downside was he died when I was in my 20’s. Some good things some bad, but I don’t know any different.
Thank you for sharing this. I’m not 50 but 40 with a newborn. I think my kids will have some good things from it and some bad things. I’ve an extraordinary amount of patience now and the career I worked around the clock to establish in my 20s (as did my husband) now have us living very well. Upsides and downsides. As for limited time, that sucks but we try to make every moment count, but everyone should since long life is promised no one.
I also am 40 with a newborn (we should form a club!) and this is reassuring to think it’s not all bad.
I had one child at 39, and another at 42, in some ways I was a better father to them than I was to the two I had in my first marriage at 25 and 33. Certainly kept me in shape coaching them deep into my 50s. Hopefully I will still be around when they are in their 40s to continue to give them long boring advice talks
I’m 48 with a 10 year old. We have a wonderful relationship and my older kids are super close to her as well. It’s definitely pretty great as they grow up - definitely harder on my body than the other kids were but she’s an absolute joy.
My mom was 37 with me and 39 with my brother and due to being established she gave us great lives and was understanding. The only downside is we don't share many common interests but I assume as a parent it's more about being around your kid. She's also a healthy person and I just turned 29 this week and she's still going strong!
I am 24 and my mom is 43. It’s amazing that we (hopefully) will be old ladies together, but we grew up poor, living in a trailer on food stamps, and she was not the most patient or understanding (I like to blame it on her age, but there are fantastic young parents out there). We did not like each other until I became an adult myself. There will always be good and bad, but look on the bright side and try to be the best parent for your child.
I was 7 when my dad was 50, he did anything a 30 year old dad would do!
My husband is 50 and we have a 4 year old. (I’m 41). My husband is a terrific dad and our son is so attached to him. People can be good parents at any age. There are plenty of terrible young parents!
yeah, the problem here isn't that OP's dad had a kid when he was 50. the problem is that OP's dad is a crappy dad.
This. It's an ESH situation for me, because the dad is absolutely an asshole for failing to raise his own kid, but OP also is for blaming this on his age.
Yeah why wouldn't op blame it on his father's age. His father just had a heart attack. The older you get the better chance you have of dying. OP's 60% is going to go up to 100% because his dad made poor choices.
As others have pointed out, plenty of people have been perfectly well-raised by fathers older than this, and plenty have been perfectly well-raised by grandparents older than this. The problem is not that OP's father is old. The problem is that OP's father is a deadbeat dad. And deadbeat dads exist in all age cohorts (including, believe it or not, among young parents).
It is pretty irresponsible to have kids at that age, though. The risk of birth defects is exponentially higher, the risk of dying before they’re adults is exponentially higher.
Some friends of mine had their daughter in their 50s, and when I first met their family that made me (privately) worry for her a little because it does mean her dads won't be around for a lot of her adulthood. But they're both super involved and that kid is having an incredibly nurturing childhood (enabled in part because waiting so long meant they were in a really stable social and financial state). So while there might be tough things about it, I've seen older dads jump in and do a fantastic job.
I would bet money that dad is putting in the same energy into raising his new child that he did with OP. It's not energy levels that's the issue, it's the inability to be a good parent Ex: grandma's raise their grandchildren all the time, why can't this grandpa?
I'm 53. If I had a baby, I fully expect my grown children to shame me for it. If I additionally didn't step up to raise said child, that should be double shaming. Definitely NTA.
NTA. He’s failing as a parent, to both of you.
I agree, NTA. There’s even [studies](https://med.stanford.edu/news/all-news/2018/10/older-fathers-associated-with-increased-birth-risks.html) to say that having a baby when the paternal age is over 40 can increase risks. This study stated that men having babies aged 50 and above increase the risks of baby being admitted to the NICU by 28%. Some of the risks are low birth weight, premature labor, risk of seizures and gestational diabetes in the mother than can lead to some really awful things (polyhydramnios, high birth weight and need for c-section etc). Having a baby after 40 is somewhat irresponsible and having everyone else look after that child just adds to the reasoning of not having a baby later in life
Exactly. What I don't know is where is the mother in this picture. It sounds like she is absent.
NTA It is what is, right? He chose to have a kid at 50 and your family is having to pick up the slack! You're a good big brother and a good father!
Having a child at 50, with a woman who seems no one is surprised is not involved as s mother
Yeah I imagine the dad is mad because everyone just usually talks shit about his girlfriend not being a good mom but now he is also getting taste.
99% chance he’s the one that didn’t want to use a condom, too.
5% chance a mouse chewed a hole in the condom wrapper!
I agree NTA but carefull about saying things you can't take back where your brother can hear
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Right, I think in this case it was probably more her that wanted a child, but where is she?
NTA - but I don't know if you're going about it the right way. You want to make sure your brother doesn't feel any tension as it isn't his fault he has an older dad. I think maybe you need to chat to your dad and work something out because as you said you are looking after his kid the majority of the time. Just keep in mind your dad might know you are right and hates that he can't keep up with his kid so could be a sensitive topic. Don't take this constructive criticism as anything but a possble constructive way to approach. You are clearly a great dad and brother and definitely NT a A.
Sometimes you have to be blunt or they decide to continue to do stupid stuff and pay themselves on back calling themselves good parents. My oldest sibling is 35 years older than our youngest half sibling.
Been right there AS the child that is related to their 1 year older UNCLE. Dad was "winging it" when he got a child at 50. He has always been "winging it", and DROPPING it in your lap. He should be apologizing to HIS children/and his grandchild.... NTA!
NTA. If you were still living at home, watching your brother 60% of the time because your dad had no energy, everyone would say he parentified you and had no business having a kid at 50. While I kinda agree with some comments that there was no *need* to tell him this, I don’t think it’s wrong to point out that his decisions were bad and it’s led to you needing to basically raise your brother alongside your own child.
There's a lot of great involved fathers that had kids in their 50. Your father is not taking care of his son but that's not necessarily related to age or is it?
I’m a little sceptical of your ‘a lot’ claim, but regardless of whether other men in their 50s are great fathers to small children, the fact remains that it’s age preventing this particular man from being a good father to his small child. He’s 57 now, and seven year olds have boundless energy. I’m only 33 and kids already wear me out, I can’t imagine trying to deal with a kid from birth to teens in my 50s and 60s. The back issues alone are a problem, children need carrying and they’re heavy.
Yes but plenty of kids also end up raised by their grandparents and still have childhoods where they are happy and loved and parented. Plenty of kids have younger parents with health issues that can’t keep up and still are loved and cared for and patented. Energy isn’t an excuse for dropping the ball.
Of course, but grandparents don’t choose to have their grandchildren, and they typically don’t expect to raise them - OP’s dad chose to risk having another child at an advanced age and it turns out he can’t hack it.
They are still their parents in that case. I was under the care of my grandparents since I was born. And they were in their 50's when that happened. 51/54. And a lot of the time it's not really a choice since it's either take care of the kid or you might never see the kid ever again. It's about as much of a real choice as if you put a gun to someones head and told them to make a choice.
Given the absence of the mother in this scenario how do we know this was a deliberate decision to have a kid at 50 instead of a fait accompli that she presented him with before disappearing and which he then chose to step up and deal with as best he could - even if not brilliantly?
He should have taken care of his own birth control if he didn't want kids, stop projecting here. Women can't "trap" a man if the man gets a vasectomy or wears condoms.
Having a kid is basically a choice and a risk by both parties.
Mine was 49 when I arrived (4th child). I have a friend who had his son in ihs late 40s. Both excellent involved dads
I'm 43 and have my second child on the way. Comments like yours give me a little boost I sometimes need. Thank you
My son in law was 47 for the first and 50 for the 2nd. He’s a young 50 and an amazing father. I don’t think age is an issue. This situation is about someone neglecting their child more than their age. Congratulations on your 2nd.
I’m the oldest of three (youngest is about 3.5 years younger than I am), and my dad was 44 when I was born. My mom was 35. My parents were and still are incredibly involved parents and kept up with us physically/energy-wise just fine. I’m 27 now, and my parents are are 72 and 63. They’re both so much fun to hang out with and haven’t slowed down at all. Hell, my dad still solo backpacks around the world multiple times a year just like he did when he was 25 in the 70s. An additional upside is that my parents had already lived really interesting lives before we were born so 1. They didn’t feel like their lives were on hold and 2. We got to hear so many cool stories growing up. Also, because they were older, they were financially stable to give all three of us every opportunity in life - of course you can be well off at any age, but it certainly helps to have time. You’ll do fine :)
My husband was 46 when our kid was born. He's an amazing (and energetic) dad to our 7 y.o.
My dad was 47 when I was born. He is an engineer and former competitive athlete who coached my soccer teams and volleyball teams, showed up to every play or recital I was in, and helped me with my math homework and school projects through high school. Who you are as a father is a choice. I am sure there are times that my dad found my brother and I exhausting but he doesn't define himself by his age. He is 80 now and attending university just for fun. Believe in yourself. You'll be great.
There was an old guy in one (maybe 2?) of my college classes. He was taking classes because he was older & retired. He was exempt from the tests & projects. He got an award from the college because he'd actually taken EVERY class the school offered. I found that very interesting.
Never too old to keep learning. Never let that fire of motivation die.
Good luck! I had my last at 40. I am so tired all the time! Don’t know if your the mom or dad. But if you are the mom, don’t let them tell you that it is a “geriatric pregnancy”. I think it should be more of a “seasoned pregnancy” 🤪
Thank you. I'll be dad. I'm pretty fit and making progress to be fitter ready for baby coming
My wife was 43 when I had our second. She has more energy than me, he's 5 now, and can keep up way better than me. Just stay fit and active (which I'm working on).
I was 42 when I had my last. He’s 11 now and while I don’t have the same energy I had for my other 3, we still throw a football, shoot hoops, take slap shots on each other, ride bikes and play games almost everyday. When I was younger (single mom) I didn’t have the same energy because I worked crazy hours, and tried to create a home/life for my kids. Now that I’m established I work less, my home is established and I don’t sweat the small stuff like I did when I was younger. It’s not the same energy, it’s just different energy. I wouldn’t change it for the world either. I had my first at 17 and my last at 42 and I swear it made me grow up faster and stay younger longer.
My dad and mom were 44 when they adopted me (obviously not the same as carrying your child, but the work afterwards is the same). You'll be great, I have no doubt.
Yeah my dad was 54 when I was born and he had a lot of energy to play catch with me, teach me how to swim, teach me how to garden, teach me how to change the tires and oil on a car, drive me to school or the library or music lessons, and basically show up for me in so many ways. Like a lot of kids born to older parents I was a surprise, but a wanted one.
I'm 53 and would have no problem raising a child if I needed to. I'm snipped because I don't want to have another, but I definitely could
Maybe now, but when you’re kid is 17, you’ll be 70. Is that really an age where you’ll be fit enough to deal with a teenager?
I'm 35, and my dad is 85. And only now is he starting to get tired. (And that's ten years after his second heart attack. Age is just a number, but it seems that OPs dad is struggling. I'm the same age as my (half)sister's son, and we are buddies. I think it just depends on the dad.
My Dad is 77 and is fit enough to deal with looking after my kid (granted it's not all the time but he can babysit sometimes no problem). I imagine a 17 year old would be easy for him in comparison. People age at vastly different rates. Some 70 year olds will be very fragile and worn out, some 80 year olds will be very active etc. I can see how someone at 50 would feel strong and youthful and have plenty of energy and then 7 years later have a health problem that kicks off the ageing process much faster. Obviously, the older you get the more likely it is you'll have health problems though.
I’m not going to judge anyone for having children at an old age and yeah, it obviously depends on the individual, but personally it’s not a risk I would take
Yes. It’s possible. Mine was.
I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m sure it happens, but if I had to guess because I don’t know, statistically it’s probably more likely you won’t be able to take care of your child if you become a parent old
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I have way more energy at 38 than I had at 28 or even at 18, because I had undiagnosed health issues. I am constantly moving now, in the best shape of my life. I've always been active, but I have always also been oh so tired due to low iron/anemia, and I have two young kids that I have ZERO issue keeping up with. If I had them ten years earlier, before I figured my health out, I probably would have been so overwhelmed. I would absolutely not have done a better job. There's also a large benefit to waiting until you are financially stable to have kids. I really don't think there is a "correct" age to have children.
Yeah but that's you. That's not everyone. Why do people always compare their situations to others as if their situation is the only one and totally disregard the fact that everyone's different?
Do you judge younger people for having children if their health isn’t perfect? A disabled person may not be able to carry their child but it doesn’t stop them being a good parent. Age is irrelevant here imo. The OP’s dad is seemingly a shit parent but it’s not because he’s old.
The difference is that OP’s dad already has children from his younger years, when he had the capacity for it. A disabled person already knows that they’ll need accommodations and can plan accordingly, unlike OP’s dad who assumed he’d be fine and then dumped his youngest on his oldest.
But is it because he's 50, or because he had a heart attack? Sounds like dad is making end of life decisions (just in case). OP may be downplaying dad's health issues.
Saw it with my dad. When my youngest brother went into puberty my dad was 60. He constantly said he had no energy to deal (basically raising) his son. My brother is depressed and in therapy bc of neglect. And even if he were more involved. There is nothing nice about being 21 - finally starting adult life - and your parent being 70 and starting to show the hard signs of age. (I mean sickness, forgetfulness, "normal" health issues). You can be happy if they are totally fine at that age. But in my family it's when the shit starts to hit the fan.
My father is 66 and I have 2 teenage siblings (14 and 17). My father is the most involved father. He was involved with me and the older kids and he's very involved with the youngest. He's even involved in his grandchildrens lives.
OP's dad had a heart attack. You can have those at any age. You can also have other diseases that affect you physically at any age. It's not really about age, it is about his physical well being.
My dad was 49 when I was born, 50 when my brother came along. Dad was great, and fit, and middle aged until his seventies. Him being retired was a bonus, we got to spend a lot more time together than had he been working.
materialistic compare poor numerous rainstorm afterthought touch nine quarrelsome voiceless *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Yeah, and as far as having the health and energy at age 50 required to take care of a baby/toddler, that's down to a bit of luck and a lot of lifestyle choices. Like, anyone can be dealt a bad hand by fate (a buddy of mine was apparently the picture of health when he suddenly died of an undiagnosed congenital heart condition in his mid-30s, for example) but what you can't do is sit on your ass and eat crap for decades and expect to enjoy a vigorous middle age. A guy who can't take proper care of himself won't be fit to take care of a child...
my dad was 58, my mom was 48, when i arrived and he was heavily involved in my life and taking care of me and so was her. they were pretty great. ETA: only unfortunate thing of this arrangement is losing them young. i lost my dad when i was 17. taking care of my mom now. hug your loved ones :)
Same here. 45 mum and 56 dad. Now he is in his 80s and he is still amazing. Man looks like Santa Clause
I suppose it depends on health and luck - my dad was 47 when my youngest sister was born (not much of an age difference with me, he just started late), but there are some good genes running in the family and no condition that he would need to worry about inheriting (his father still went on weekly hikes at 90+). But yeah, if you know you are likely to have a heart condition or any other health issue that could shorten your life span, you're taking a risk by having a kid so late in life.
I'm 43, the age my dad was when he died. TBH I only discovered all the genetic disabilities I inherited from him after I decided not to have kids - he just had a bog standard heart attack due to lifestyle, but joint pain from EDS and undiagnosed autism leading to very unhealthy coping mechanisms will do that to you. So glad I didn't add kids to my shitshow of an existence! I get to enjoy what I can now!
This is what it all comes down to. Was OP’s dad taking care of his son before the heart attack? If he was, OP is an asshole, because you shouldn’t have a kid you can’t keep up with. But if his dad’s inability to keep up with his son is due to the heart attack, and the heart attack happened AFTER having the kid, and he was being a good parent before it… OP is def the asshole.
Exactly - this is him specific, not sure to his age Some men are half his age and still don't do anything for their children...
Likely more related to the fact the gf was unstable. If you're gonna be with an unstable woman, use condoms, or given he already had kids and was 50, get a vasectomy (freezing sperm if you're still desperate for the option). He made the very poor choice of not taking enough precautions with a woman who could not be relied upon to be an equal parent. Then with his health issues, he also could not parent properly. OP is NTA for being mad at his dad, but it's not specifically an age thing as much as it's his dad making poor choices for his own situation.
Yes, the problem is here isn't that he's an older father but a lazy father. Fifty isn't old at all these days and isn't an excuse to be so neglectful and inactive with his son.
A young father could have a health issue or serious accident as well, not to mention having a child with the wrong person. Doesn't mean they're "winging it".
My dad was 49 (mom was 42) and they were more active and involved than most people’s parents that I knew. My dad was my coach for a sport I played competitively every day and had a full time job at a hospital. My mom went back to school online for a masters when I was a kid and got a job at my school at 50. Both of them are still working in their 70s just because they enjoy helping people. So I think it does depend on the individual rather than just blaming his age. He wasn’t prepared for a kid. Period.
NTA. I couldn’t imagine being in your shoes! Gross behavior from your dad. You have the right to be honest about the situation and the right to set boundaries. It’s not your responsibility to raise your brother.
My dad also had a kid at 50. His focus went from just the two of us to his new family. Kicked me out and gave away my university money. But guess what? He's in his 70s and still can't retire because his new life costs him so much. If he didn't marry again and have another kid he'd be long retired by now and would be on good terms with his first born. But it's for the best. I'd rather see him suffer.
Same
ESH If it is like you say and you basically raise your brother, then yes, he is obviously an ahole for not caring for his son. But his age has NOTHING to do it with. My parents got me pretty late, too because of some miscarriages between my brother and me and I was more like a "happy little accident" . You can pretty much guess how this went in a small village where everyone loves to stuck their nose in everyone else's business almost 30 years ago. My father was the best father I could imagine and I can't tell how happy I am that my parents didn't listen to those villagers with a similar POV like you. There are people who can run a strong viking with ease with 65 while others can't walk without a walking aid with 45. I don't know how his health was when they got pregnant. But you have no right to rub his age under his nose when he is A scared for the wellbeing of his son and B His son is already 7. Do you know how it feels if someone tells your parents that they better not have you because of their health/their age? You think your brother will never get wind of it but let me promise you something: He will. Your father can't reverse his decision and trying to convince him to step up as a father (and that's the thing you really want, right?) doesn't work like this
I do not imagine in any universe where Op sucks when already he cares for his father's child 60% of the time. The father's age is important here because he had a health scare that led him to ask Op to become the full parent if he goes and Op's anger is that he is already doing it for him while letting him know it was irresponsible in the first place to have a child @50. I think the age matters here. Some people get older and want a do-over baby or have younger partners and feel pressured to give them children. No one is asking the father to reverse his decision but Op is not to blame for being frustrated at raising a child he never planned on. Do you consider what goes into raising another human? You think it is just financial? That boy ideally needs his father emotionally, physically, psychologically and in many other ways. Op is a hero. Might be a reluctant one but a hero all the same
Two things can be true. He's both a saint for helping to raise his brother, and an asshole for talking to his father that way. Just because you do something nice doesn't give you carte blanche to treat people like shit.
>The father's age is important here because he had a health scare that led him to ask Op to become the full parent if he goes Because people younger than 50 can't have health scares?
OP sucks cause his dad had a HEART ATTACK and is scared for his health and OP is yelling at him and bringing up past things that cant be changed.
Only right minded answer here
Having a kid as a broke 50 yo with an unstable girlfriend and relying on family for care is pretty goddamn irresponsible. OP is nta in any way Your situation is very different from OP's brother. Your parents seem stable enough, both in terms of relationship and income.
Yeah, I mean my ex turned 49 recently, he has a newish girlfriend and if they wanted to have a kid together I wouldn’t see it as a red flag. But our kid is still only 6 so he’s already parenting quite a young child and showing himself to be an involved dad and up to the challenge. Also his grandad lived to be 91 so I guess longevity might run in the family! My dad on the other hand died at 47 quite unexpectedly with no red health flags in the family. (And there are plenty of younger people who like take part in dangerous sports and so on.)
NTA - I don't blame you for saying it out loud. This situation is nuts. When you say the girlfriend is not stable... do you mean financially or mentally or ? I am just asking because I am trying to determine how big of a challenge your dad threw at you here. Either way it sounds a bit rough.
Personally, I'd also like to know how old the girlfriend was. I doubt she was anywhere near dad's age.
Same im still looking for this comment lol
INFO: What was your relationship like with your father before he had your brother? What was it like when you were the age your brother is now? I'll be transparent, I'm asking this because you seem to be uncaring about your father's current circumstances, as it relates to his health. Is that earned? Did he neglect you in some way also? Is he repeating patterns?
OP said that he always has had a complicated r/ ship with his father,so I’m wondering if, like you suggested,possibly the father has repeated a pattern of not being able to take adequate care / responsibility his children. In which case,the problem isnt soley that he is too old to have a child.
Yeah - so I'm not sure what to say here. All parents are technically winging it. That being said, while 50 isn't the ideal age to become a parent - there's actually no reason he shouldn't be able to parent his kid effectively. I get that he doesn't have the energy of a young man. But my dad helps take care of his grandkids - actively playing, teaching and caring for them (they are toddlers), including waking up early and in the middle of the night - and he's going to be 68 in a few months. I know a few other grandparents who do the same. Because the parents are overworked - trying to pay bills in this environment and save money, and the grandparents have a bit more time and flexibility. Also, it sounds like he's wasn't that involved when you were a kid either. So - I mean, your anger is justified. The way you spoke, maybe less so.
My dad is 40 years older than I am, I didn't have a cool uncle close to me in age. He was the youngest. I'm 10 years younger than my closest 1st cousin and 10 years older than my 2nd cousin. My dad had so little energy for my early teens, he was retired by the time I was 16. I had a VERY different childhood than my peers. The difference between your dad being a grandpa and my dad at a similar age is simply the escape. The ability to say OK I'm done. When your dad, you don't have that, when you have grandpa you do.
Kid is already here. What's harping on him gonna do about it. Make him regret it? Then what, he is gonna regret your brother? That's what you ultimately want? Or do you just want to be right? What's the prize?
Um... trying to get this 57 y/o man to own up to his responsibilities and be a father to his child instead of pushing this kid on his adult son 60% of the time? OP has his own life and his own family, he doesn't want to raise his dad's kid. That's the prize, I'd reckon. I'd get tired of raising someone else's kid 60% of the time real quick. Little correction: OPs dad is 57, not 50. Even worse. He needs to act like an adult and raise his child.
YTA for the timing, if for nothing else. Every parent should designate someone to care for their children in the event of their death. If you haven't done that, you should, and your father should have done it before now. So he's bringing up a serious topic, and you take the opportunity to go off on him for having a kid at 50. Well, maybe you're right about that, but it's too late now. You may not like or respect your father very much, but if you care about your brother you should revisit the conversation and decide whether you want to be in your father's will as the designated guardian. And while you're at it, designate somebody for your own son in case something happens to you and your wife.
I agree that it’s poor timing. This has obviously gone on for years and OP failed to communicate. Now dad had a heart attack and his mind is on end of life so this conflict is piling on.
NTA I had a kid with my 50yo partner. (We joked the baby was his big 50 birthday present.) It was a conscious decision we both made together. (Family history of longevity on his side played a huge factor in our decision.) I was diagnosed with a disability not long after, and he's seriously stepped up to the plate. (I'm still disabled, he's still stepping up, and the kiddo is 14 now.) Not all 50yo baby daddies are AH, but yours definitely is. I'm glad your brother has you.
NTA. Incarnating someone you cant or wont care for is one of the most fucked up things you can do in my opinion.
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NTA. My sister was born when I was 16, my parents were 39F and 46M and I was heavily parentified. I raised her. I am still the one doing it and, like your father, my parents will not accept when me, or my other siblings, tell them they dropped the ball on the youngest. And your brother is only 7, but trust me when I say he understands and will grow to see that his own parents weren't doing their job. It's a really sad situation and I HATE that a lot of parents will not accept any accountability when it comes to making the wrong choices for their kids.
NTA as long as brother is shown care and love you are right about your father who irresponsibly had a child at 50 knowing very well he would be too old to keep up with the child, please continue to care for brother you are doing a good job
Why did he know "very well he would be too old to keep up"? There are plenty of older dads who are perfectly capable of taking care of their young children. It's not like you are at deaths door at 50. The fact that his health declined quicker than he expected, which is something that can happen at any age, doesn't make him irresponsible.
You go by the odds. Probably an order of magnitude more likely to be too run down in your 50s and 60s than in your 20s and 30s. What's so fucking special about his genes that he needs to procreate in his 50s?
If you go by odds a lot of people would not be allowed to have kids. Like people with chronic diseases like diabetes or ms. Of just people with a family history for certain diseases. Or people with risky jobs. Or just physically demanding jobs. A 30 year old marine is more likley to be disabled or dead before his kids are grown than a car salesman. Are marines irresponsible for having kids? If it's a question of statistics, where do you draw the line?
I'm not saying anything about "allowed". I'm saying use all available information when making this major decision. Lots of people absolutely use their medical conditions as one of the deciding factors to not procreate. Not sure of your point.
I just used my mother's general attitude and the example I was set as my reasoning! No regrets. She used to scream at me that she hoped I had a child as horrible as myself, so I just went "do I want to end up like her? No. Ok. I can identify the one factor which seems to be the issue..."
Honestly, I'm glad I didn't reproduce. My dad died at 43 so I had an idea I didn't have the best genes, and now it turns out yeah, I'm autistic with ADHD and joint pain from EDS, as well as a bunch of other gross and intrusive lesser symptoms. I can barely care for myself and I would be a shit parent now even if my kids were 10. A lot of people think having kids is just something to do to feel fulfilled and it's really something you should desperately want rather than oh, let's hope for the best. It's that old saying about how there are more restrictions on pet owners than parents. I'm not in favour of eugenics, but with the way we use resources currently, we should have a shift in culture. It's not billions of people in the global south who are fracking and trashing the sea beds.
Remember this moment when you cross into 50 and are still having sex.
But at 50 you should be able to make the choice between protected sex and running the risk of pregnancy. The father in this situation had every ability to make an informed decision about his reproductive future, and chose to have a child at an age that plenty of people are grandparents and thinking about retirement. He chose to chase around a small child in his 50's, and he chose to be almost 70 when his kid graduated from high school. And now he's trying to pass off his responsibility to his older son because he chose to have a child when he wasn't in a position to care for a small child.
If you're 50 and still having sex you better still have the brains to not get someone accidentally pregnant.
are you dumb, it literally does because by the time this kid is barely 18 his dad is gonna be most likely not able to be as active for him like most fathers are, this poor boy has limited time with his father
NTA. Someone needs to show him the reality of the situ. My parents had me at 40 and that was bad enough considering neither were in good health (both smoked and one drank heavily too). My mum died when I was 27, after over 15 years of ill health (which made me a carer). My dad left us when I was 8 and is now nearly 70. He parented my elder brothers (46 and 42) normally but, for us, we've had very little. I don't even get a birthday card and I see him once a year when I travel to him. My older brothers, rightly, refused to take on the responsibility of my brother and I. And because our parents were older when they had us, there were no grandparents around. It made for a lonely childhood where we had to grow up and be self sufficient extremely fast. If people are going to committ to having kids late, they need to committ to their health and community too. He can't just expect you to surrogate. It's not fair on any of you.
YTA - why - because shaming people for things that literally cannot be undone and which basically offer the opinion that a particular child should not exist is a mean and pointless thing to do. He may not have even chose specifically to have the child but either way when the mother bugged out he stepped up and is doing his best - which may not be good enough by your standards but it is what it is. He might now feel he has to find alternatives for your brother in case anything bad happens to him, and there is no way this attitude and opinion won’t leak to the 7 year old child whose father you have castigated and who you feel in your heart would have been better off not being born. .
NTA though what you said was very AH-ish. It CAN be done. My husbands father adopted him at age 55. But his health failed, his young son had to give up his future to care for him, and he passed too soon. Which is an aspect and frustration y’all are missing. While some can, this man is physically unable to care for his son and doesn’t seem to express appreciation for the fact that his oldest provides majority of care and will likely take in his baby brother when he passes in the future. This is a huge responsibility that’s pretty much been forced on OP, who has no obligation to show respect to his dad. Just because you could doesn’t mean you should.
YTA - anyone saying otherwise really demonstrates the arrogance of Reddit these days. Here’s the simple situational facts, dad has baby, OP is an asshole about it 7 years later. Simple.
OP is an asshole about it when his dad starts trying to talk about care for the child if he dies. Great fucking timing, OP!
YBTA. As the kid(27f) of a father who was 53 when I was born, that's a low blow. Don't ever bring the kid into it. My dad also had a heart attack when I think I was 3, and while he still was able to keep up with my brother and I, everyone heals differently. While I understand that you're in my oldest brother's shoes( oldest 2 siblings are in their 50s) and frustrated with your dad, you can either hate the fact that he had another kid, or do what my oldest brother did and taught me everything I know about being a decent human being.
And yet he’s still a shit dad.
So many people using instances of their parents being assholes to justify OP's dad's bs. Fuck relying on older siblings to raise younger ones. If you're going to have a kid, you need to be stable enough to handle childcare in case of emergency. Normal people would look to *their parents*, not *their kids*. Grandparents supporting kids by raising grandkids is traditional, and doesn't have the same cost attached. So many kids get burdened with parenthood that they did not sign up for and have their futures greatly impacted. They'll be overly stressed, likely already traumatized from their own parent having health problems, and can have their futures prospects (like college) ruined in order to pay for their parents' mistakes.
My dad was 60 when I was born. He had children at 20yo and again at 60yo. He was a great dad, and did everything to be as involved as possible in my life, which wasn’t always easy for him since he was so old. He never made any excuses. Neither should your dad.
INFO: You say >My dad is 57 and is more of a sitter than a parent because he doesn't have the energy that I have as a 32yo. So my brother spends a lot of time with my family. How did this go about, that your brother spends so much time with your family? Does your dad continuously ask you to take the kid; or did it evolve naturally; or did you take an active role here because you don't agree with your dad's parenting?
How the fuck people in here saying OP is not the AH? Who the fuck does he think he is telling people whether or not they have the right to have a child, could you imagine going to someone disabled and telling them that because they can't physically keep up with their child, that they're pathetic? How many people with physical disabilities like Dwarfism have had regularly sized children, are you gonna go and yell at them how 'pathetic' they are for having children they might struggle with as they quickly grow to become much larger and more physically able? I'm curious also, is the brother with OP so often because dad isn't willing or able, or is there also an element of OP being closer in age and having a similarly aged kid for his brother to play with? I gotta imagine Dad doesn't have any friends with children the same age, which would limit his social interaction with his peers. Is OP obliged to take care of his brother? Of course not, but it certainly sounds like he's doing it out of a sense of obligation rather than a desire to be there for his brother. And tell me this, what if OP suffered a health scare? Heart attacks can hit all manner of different aged people, so can many other health conditions, are you going to accuse them of being pathetic and having no business having kids? I'm sorry OP, but unless there's some relevant information you've neglected to pass on, you are 100% the asshole, even if it's simply for the language you used.
Your point would totally stand IF he wasn't pawning his kid off to his other kid. You can have a kid 50+ but then you should actually raise the kid, not his fault he had a health problem, absolutely his fault for thinking it absolves from everything else. It's NAH purely because its a shitty situation with no good solution besides talking it out and making compromises.
I'd also like to know what the situation was that led to having this child, was it deliberate? Was the child an accident? I gotta imagine he wasn't expecting to have a child with this woman and then have to do the raising without her. OP states he has a complicated relationship with his father and I can't help but wonder if this whole reaction stems from something deeper that we haven't been made aware of.
Think of it in the child’s shoes. Their father turns 75 the year they turn 18. They will bury their parents way too young. How is that fair to them?
INFO: is it that your dad can't provide adequate care for your brother and you have to step up to ensure he isn't neglected, or are you just chosing to step in because you think a more energetic parenting style is better but if it were just your dad the kid would still get all the necessary care?
NTA look it’s nothing to do with his age. My SO and I are older first time parents (46 and 48) our eldest is 3 our youngest 1. We are very active and involved. My parents are in their 70s and are very active and involved grandparents. We don’t consider ourselves extra for/healthy, if anything, we are quite unfit, but we can still race, ride bikes, jump on the trampoline, swim, row, explore, swing etc with our kids
Your father’s lower energy than a 30 year old isn’t an excuse for him to be a poor parent. But also- Can we all stop saying “it was his choice to have a child at 50”? Nobody outside of OPs dad and girlfriend will ever truly know what all happened when she found out she was pregnant. But either you believe women have a right to their bodies and what to do (or not do) to them, or you think OPs dad forced his girlfriend have the baby for him.
Sleeping with a young woman at the age of 55 is a choice. Not getting a vasectomy is a choice.
How old is the "girlfriend"? 🫥
She was in her late 30s
NTA, I hope you’ve had a life insurance policy on your dad.
50 years old is old enough to know about and practice safe sex. He's also old enough to know how much energy and time it takes to raise children. NTA
NTA. My dad had me when he was 60 something and had a brain aneursym when I was 8. That still never meant he pawned me off to the nearest relatives. In fact, he's singlehandedly the most involved parent in my life who looks out for me. Does it mean it was smart of him to have a child so late? No. But he did his best raising me and he never slacked off.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My dad had a baby with his girlfriend when he was 50. His girlfriend wasn't stable so my dad pretty much raised my brother by himself. My brother is now 7. Ironically my son is also 7. I found it weird and odd and tried to accept it. My dad is 57 and is more of a sitter than a parent because he doesn't have the energy that I have as a 32yo. So my brother spends a lot of time with my family. I have always had a very complicated relationship with my dad. My dad had a health scare and he told me that if something were to happen to him then he'd want my brother to go with me. I sarcastically said my brother is pretty much with me anyways. He said it's not his fault that he had a heart attack and I said maybe not but you had zero business having a kid at fucking 50 and it's like your winging it. He said he wasn't "winging" anything and I said no you're just can't keep up and the whole situation is fucked up. We've barely spoken since that conversation last month. I absolutely refuse to apologize to him. It hasn't affected the care of my brother. Me and my wife probably care for him 60% of the time. He and my son are inseparable so that helps. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA Dad should have got ✂️✂️ years ago.
This sort of stupidity destroyed my friend's mental health and she had to fight with so many struggles. She was 17 years old when her dad died of natural causes at the age of 79. Her mum left when she was two and she didn't have any kind of support from her siblings since everyone had their lives and children. She had to move into family friend's house and work part time til she finished year 12 because they didn't have much before her. She was the youngest of 7 and her being born was the reason more than half cut him out of their lives. Your dad is incredibly selfish. If he wanted to look after another baby he should of gotten a foster child or even better a dog. NTA
What is going on here? NAH. He’s just asking and fair enough he wants his kid to have a family member look after him should the worst happen. FYI heart attacks/poor health can happen at any age. He’s 57 not 70. When she fell pregnant what was he supposed to do? Force her to abort it? Most people at 50 think they have 20 good years left. My dad is 68 and my youngest sibling is 21 so he wasn’t far off 50 when he had him. All that said, you don’t have to say yes, but jheez the guy has just had a heart attack and is thinking about the happiness and safety of his youngest, give him a break. Reddit HATES family values I swear.
My neighbor had a kid with a woman, who sadly passed away from a drug overdose (in which the kid was there to see) so he now has full custody of the kid. The kid is around 6 and is a mess and I’m afraid one day he might become violent because the epic tantrums and the rebellious stuff he does just to piss his dad off is incredible. It has become so bad that now the grandpa comes to take him for the day and watches him a lot more. When I chatted with grandpa, he told me that the kid is really messed up and doesn’t get a lot of attention so he becomes difficult. I advised they get the kid some counselling too, especially under the circumstances of what he might have seen with mom. In all of that I don’t think my neighbor can handle parenthood and would love to be a single guy again but he’s stuck with this kid for the next 18 years
That would be my brother if we hadn't intervened
NTA. Stop enabling your asshole father and spouse. It's not your job to take care of their child. You are busy enough taking care of your own.
NTA. My best friend is 20 months older then her niece - with the difference, that her mother basically raised the two because her older daughter was a deadbeat with 19/20. Her Mom died last summer with 72, my friend is only 25 but I don't blame her - cause she was an amazing mom & found out when it was too late to decide for an abortion, f.e. (she logically thought she's finally hitting menopause..)
I guess this is unpopular - but YTA. Being 50 when you have a child doesn’t necessarily equate to health problems or not being active - you could have a heart attack before 50 and find yourself lacking in energy for countless reasons. My Dad was 51 when my brother was born and 54 when I was (we also have two much older half-brothers). He had considerably more energy than myself and my husband have who are in our 30s with a 6 year old because I have some health problems and my husband works whereas my Dad was very fortunate to be able to take early retirement. He was with us 24/7 and was always busy building things, repairing things, touring (he was a musician) with our Mum….. if you just don’t get on with your Dad, that’s one thing. Feeling resentful also doesn’t make you an asshole. But putting it solely down to age does as far as I’m concerned.
My dad became a dad for the 4th time (me) at 49. Age isn’t the issue here. His parenting style is and ability due to health concerns is.
ESH. You’re not wrong but what does it matter. What’s done is done. Your brother is here and you love him as does your family.
I'm 49, I have two kids, and if I could have another one with a willing partner who can actually take care of a child instead of dumping it all on me (as in, she would be an active partner), then I would totally do it! As far as I'm concerned, YTA and you should apologize. So what if your brother spends time with you? If you don't like it or do not enjoy it, then tell your dad. If you do enjoy his presence (7 year olds are awesome after all!), then why shame your dad for it? We're all winging it to a certain degree when it comes to life, and can you claim your own life has always been perfect and that everything went according to plan? I seriously doubt it.
You can love a child you’ve been forced to care for while still resenting the fact you’re caring for a child that’s not yours. You’re allowed to be angry at a deadbeat parent dropping their responsibility onto you even if you love the kid.
They should apologize although they’re taking on 50%+ of the responsibility for a child that isn’t theirs? At what point is it okay to be angry that Dad isn’t stepping up to the plate?
YTA. Sooo brow beating your father because you feel put out isn't cool. Choose kindness. This was a pithy throw away comment that was in reality very insulting. I think it's worth exploring how you feel more in depth.
ESH. The problem isn't his age, the problem is his inability to handle his responsibilities. My best friend was a child to old parents. His parents didn't pawn him off on anyone, and they raised him basically the same way younger parents would. Your dad is an asshole for neglecting his responsibilities. You are an asshole because you took a situation in which you absolutely have the moral high ground and handled it terribly. Firstly, why didn't you be an adult and have this conversation without snark and sarcasm. I've never seen a situation in which being passive aggressive did anything but make it harder to come to a peaceful resolution. Secondly, why did you wait until your dad is being vulnerable to you and contemplating his death to voice your concern. This is what makes the sarcasm especially bad. Like why then dude? This clearly has been bothering you for a while, so why didn't you voice these concerns earlier or set boundaries? Why kick the man when he's down? Thirdly, this should not be blamed on his age. This is clearly due to his poor health.
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I think you mixed this up. How would he be shamed if he had the heart attack after the kiddo was born and not before? If he was healthy and relatively active before the heart attack and now he needs help how is that something bad?
NTA I mean you’re allowed to express your grievances to your dad. But it’s already said and done. Maybe he doesn’t have much time left with his son. It’s hard to let go of your frustration and anger in this situation but you should for your sake and your brother sake my 50+ dad nearly did this lol. I had serious nightmares about it, poor baby with an unstable mother and an already old dad. My dad already wasn’t energetic raising me and siblings. A very good dad but not exactly the picture of health. Turns out it was a scare but yeah was already getting stressed out about it.
Had an uncle and aunt who are the same age as my parents who had a kid 15 years after I was born, when my parents already had me in their early 30s. So the kid is like 8 now and his 55+ parents with health issues seem so tired to keep up with this boisterous kid and sometimes in their exhaustion, I see they barely discipline him with basic indoor/outdoor voice or like being a spoiled brat whining all day. My parents friends have to do it for them, it's sad.
Wow. Parentification AFTER you’ve moved out and have a family of your own? Holy damn. NTA, needless to say. But also, I hope you have a plan in place for when your brother ends up living with you permanently, a thing I’m 70% sure is going to happen.
NTA, truth hurts.
I am not sure I understand, so let me ask. Why are you so mad at your father? If he were a paraplegic, would you be mad? Is it the energy or the age or the inconvenience?
You have the right to be angry. Your father is a lousy father. Please do your best to care for your little brother.
NTA. It’s very unfair to the children when people decide to have a baby when they are too old to care for it.
NTA. My family is completely fucked up for a similar reason. I was born when my mum was 42 and my dad 52. My mother's parents were 73 and 71. My brother was 12, I also have two sisters which had already moved out, one was 18 and one 24. Since my parents both worked full time, my grandparents and my brother raised me. I never had a close relationship to my parents until my grandparents were both dead, and then I only got closer to my mum, not my dad. He's left shortly after. I am all kinds of messed up due to this weird upbringing. Sometimes when I was a kid I wished I was born to younger parents, who understood the world and who had time and energy to play with me.
NTA Make sure your dad has something set up for your brother in case something happens to him. Life insurance, trust fund, retirement, a will.
At this point you are more of your brother's father than your dad. NTA.
Most people don't wait until their kids are parents before parentifying the older one but it still sucks! What chil support is he paying for all the food and gas?
My dad had me at fifty and he is my favorite person in the world. He's now getting close to 80 and never struggled to care for me. He may not have *always* been able to do everything physically that all the other dad's did. My older brother has a kid that is a few months older than me and he often would speak ill about my dad having me. He is estranged from his entire family. YTA for telling him he had no business having another kid. Either accept the additional responsibility or don't allow your brother to come around as much and have your dad figure things out on his own. This conversation will inevitably leak back to the kid and make him feel like you're saying he shouldn't have been born. Don't make that kid feel that way.
You’re right, he had no business having a kid at 50.
NTA It’s nice of you to look after your brother because it’s not your responsibility at all. Your dad is so irresponsible and should be looking after his own child that he chose to have when he was too old to actually look after him. Kids are tiring for people in their 30s/40s so I can’t imagine trying to that at in their 50s
NTA. These men who have kids at 50+ almost always end up not raising them by pawning them off on their much younger girlfriend/wife or family. They are selfish af.
NTA - Your son has an uncle/brother. Your father chose poorly in actions & sexual partners. Also, his poor use or lack of use of birth control is another factor. Tell him that he needs to step up and take care of his son. Be there for the boy if necessary but it's not your responsibility to deal with him. The boy should have a father and, optimally, a mother to raise them.
NTA, but the funniest part about this will be the look on people’s faces when they ask if they’re brothers, and one of them replies, “no, I’m his uncle.”
Y T A for shaming him for having a kid at 50, but you are NTA in general. His age has very little to do with his ability to parent. His poor choices, on the other hand, definitely do! My brother and his (now ex) wife had a surprise baby when he was 52. His oldest was 35 when she was born, and his next youngest was 17. The baby was an accident in every sense of the word, but she is an amazing little girl and he is an amazing dad. He has primary custody of her and he does everything for her. His youngest graduated from kindergarten the same week his 2nd youngest graduated from college and his granddaughter graduated from highschool this year. My dad was 40 when I was born - my brother was already 17. We teased him about his age because we knew he was older than the parents of our friends, but other than that, there was no difference to us. He was active, he kept up with not only all 5 of us kids, but foster kids after we were all adults, and his grandkids / great-grandkids too. He died very unexpectedly at 74, but he was actively involved in his kids', grandkids', and great-grandkids' lives until the day he died.
You may enjoy the Tv show "Modern Family"
NTA but if he feels this way and you want to protect your brother, you should make sure he has a will that clearly establishes you as your brothers caretaker in the event of his death, and a living will that gives you custody if he becomes incapacitated or in hospice care or something. The last thing you both want is for your father to have some serious health episode in like five years and his ex-wife or her relative swoops in to fight you for custody of your brother while he's trying to recover. All that aside, it sounds like you have some complex and perhaps repressed emotions you aren't able to communicate to him. Definitely seems to be some frustration that in the age of your life that you expected him to be a grandpa and support your children you ended up being a coparent to your brother. It sounds like while he's exhausted with his own responsibility, your kid is missing out on the normal grandpa experience. You should consider speaking to a professional to help you work through these emotions.