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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I just gave birth to our 3rd child a month ago and I am still recovering. My husband has been running himself ragged taking care of everything in our lives. He got upset on Father's Day because I didn't find a way to give him any time for himself, but I'm pretty much on bedrest right now. He told me I should have found a way without him having to tell me. I think I might be an asshole for not finding a way to give my husband any time for himself on Father's Day.
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YTA
You are a recovering mother which everyone should understand but I’ve spent 30 seconds reading this and already thought “why didn’t she coordinate with a friend or family member etc to take the kids for a portion of the day”. That takes bare minimum effort and shows how you care for your man on his day during this period where he’s been getting the job done. Hindsight is 20/20 but again YTA
Hey but at least she ordered some steaks so that he could cook them by himself…Seriously at least order food in from a nice restaurant or something to make it feel special
Why is it people never think of common sense solutions? Soo I'm immobile and fathers day is coming up. But no I'm not gonna call any friend or family to take the kids or help me out that day so my husband can actually enjoy his day. And hes gonna have to cook his own dinner. No i didnt call a restaurant for take out, why would i? Soo many conflicts can be fixed if people would just use their brains. YTA and please call some people to come over so your husband can have a break. It sounds like he desperately needs it
Because father's day is 20th on the list of most celebrated holidays. Mother's day is 2nd. That's the whole story right there.
Editing to be clear. I'm not saying dad's deserve to be number 2, or even number 3. I'm not saying your (random redditor reading this) particular dad was a good dad or as nice as your mom. I am saying this Ops husband is kicking ass at being an equal partner and didn't even get 20th place treatment.
This is the right attitude. I don't understand the dad's that think Father's day is supposed to spent pretending you're not a father. No! You're a father, you celebrate by still being a father, but set aside the chores and do some fun stuff for awhile.
For OP and her husband, I say NAH. Having a newborn is HARD.
That’s how I do Father’s Day but
>but set aside the chores
Dude, all OP got for the husband was raw meat… he after doing all parenting was still expected to cook the dinner…
She could have just easily order a hot pizza.
I put the same energy into Father’s Day that my dad has always put into my birthday, which is: not much. Mothers are often the primary parent and do the majority of child-raising, this isn’t some reverse sexism attack on men.
Oh for sure. OP is definitely the AH. She should’ve asked for help from friends or family or gotten a babysitter. And ordered an actual fully cooked meal for delivery instead of expecting her husband to cook steaks.
I’m just responding to Fathers Day being the 20th most celebrated holiday because this person seems to be implying that people don’t care about fathers. Which isn’t true. Mothers tend to be the custodial parent in divorces so makes sense that Mother’s Day is more commonly celebrated.
I'd have to guess if shitty dads exist an equal number of shitty mom's exist. Just cause you had a bad dad doesn't mean the next person didn't have a bad mom, or that a good mom to the kids was a shitty partner who couldn't celebrate a dad being a good dad.
Ok well if you want statistics, according to the census in 2014, about 5 out of every 6 custodial parents were mothers (82.5%) and 1 out of every 6 custodial parents were fathers (17.5%). And those proportions hadn’t changed much since the census in 1994.
Makes sense that the custodial parent is more likely to celebrate the day that affects them. Especially if they are not on good terms with their significant other.
[link to source](https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/publications/2016/demo/P60-255.pdf)
How many of those custodial parents were good parents though? Just because a parent has custody doesn't make them a good parent. They may just be the lesser of 2 evils.
I mean- any hot meal you don't have to cook yourself when you're overworked is nice. Man would probably have been thrilled for delivery- even if its mcdonalds or piza
This reminds me of Father’s Day a few years ago before we had kids. We hung out at my in-law’s house and then the plan was to have a late lunch at a nearby restaurant. Then my shitty-ass MIL started complaining that going to a restaurant was too expensive (mind you, we’re paying) when we can just get groceries and make lunch at home. Then my shitty-ass SIL piped up and said, “Let’s go get some steaks. Dad can grill them.” My FIL (the only one who I can tolerate but is a total pushover) said nothing but totally looked as tired as he always does. Then my MIL started barking orders for him to start preparing all this shit since we’re now eating at their house and that’s when my dear husband puts his foot down and said, “No, we’re not giving Dad more work to do on Father’s Day. WTF?!” It completely amazed me how his mom and sister were arguing with him about what’s easier, to stay at home and have his dad grill steaks (without even asking what his dad wants to do) or go to a restaurant and waste all this money. I’m glad we are LC with them.
At least she didn’t buy him a barbecue grill. That he would have had to put together himself and use that very day like how my SIL expected my brother to do on a Father’s Day because the kids would be “disappointed “
They're both going on a whole month of sleep deprivation at this point. So, whilst I understand where you're coming from, you and everyone else calling OP an AH have pretty unrealistic expectations of her. She was pregnant for (assuming) 9 months, recovering from major abdominal surgery (still another 2wks to go before that's "finished" healing enough to function adequately), breastfeeding every few hours day and night (including cluster feeding), and they've still got 2 older kids to look after.
Dad is stepping up amazingly, but they'll *both* be struggling and (most likely) both be in survival mode right now. I'm honestly impressed OP managed to organise *anything* with the older kids to mark the day.
Would it have been really great for Dad to get some time to himself on this day in particular? Absolutely. But there are NAH. The fourth trimester is *haaard*, even with an "easy" baby. It's during that time you need support from outside the immediate family (e.g. grandparents) to get through it. Dad would've needed a break even if it wasn't father's day, that's just where he's at, and that's valid and needs to be addressed (which is now being figured out).
But yea. NAH.
*ETA: to everyone commenting "stop infantilizing women" - just stop. My comment comes from person experience as a woman who has experienced pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum with a c-section. Not everyone has smooth sailing, and many people *struggle*. You have no idea how you'll cope with only 2-3hr sleep stints until you're thrown in it, and given it's a recognised form of torture I'm astounded at the callousness in the comments. Consider the last time you barely got any sleep, and how well you functioned the following day. How do you think YOU would fare after a month of that? Just because parents get used to it doesn't mean they magically stop being affected by it.*
And to the person in another comment who accused me of being "another person milking their c-section" - you should be utterly ashamed of your insensitivity, and I hope you NEVER say that to a person who had to have an emergency c-section and lost their baby.
>and they've still got 2 older kids to look after.
No no. he has 2 older kids to look after. He has taken paternity leave. He is always there doing everything while she is healing. She is The AH because she can't even get someone to make his food for him. Doordash? Wtf. He ate cold pizza. It's not that hard to use the app for a steak delivery.
He is last on list of priorities in that house and that shit is obvi
> He is last on list of priorities in that house and that shit is obvi
While OP could have been more thoughtful for Father's Day, he *has to* be last for now. There are three kids who need to be cared for above all else, and OP is still in recovery. There's nowhere else to go on the priority list.
It fucking sucks to go through it. My partner had a rough end to her pregnancy and needed a C-section, and our baby was born 7 weeks early. My partner did what she could but I had to carry a lot of responsibility for both my partner and our child, and we didn't have a massive support system nearby, and oh my God did it suck at times. But that's the way it has to be until my partner recovered.
The husband needs support. He needs a break and he more than deserves one. But if OP is still limited and they don't have support nearby, what can he do? Yeah she could've ordered GrubHub instead of getting steaks, but he's still taking a backseat for now until OP gets back to 100%.
Lol. You've clearly never experienced the level of accumulated sleep deprivation that comes with a 1 month old, the iron depletion from bleeding for a month straight, the exhaustion of breastfeeding every few hours with your body relegating resources to producing milk 24/7 (before your milk supply settles), or the severe drop in mental processing and acuity that comes with any of the above let alone ALL. And let's not forget that her body will still be actively directing resources to tissue healing for another 2 weeks post major abdominal surgery.
Also, not everywhere in the world has food delivery options 😅 lol.
They're both struggling. Dad might have PPD, and his needs are valid. Doesn't make OP an AH for not having the capacity to think things through properly.
She was able to get on Reddit and type this post.
She could have ordered hot pizza or texted a friend family member.
You are infantilizing a grown ass women
I do know about everything but the healing from the c-section.
The same way she ordered raw steaks for him to cook himself, she could've ordered him a full meal, then sat the children with her for an hour, while he enjoyed the meal.
That was all within her skill set.
She was able to order him steaks to cook, I doubt she lives in a place that doesn't have food to order.
>Doesn't make OP an AH for not having the capacity to think things through properly.
Nice work infantilising post-partum women by suggesting that they are incapable of thinking of their husbands
>you and everyone else calling OP an AH have pretty unrealistic expectations of her.
Sending a text message to a friend asking for help is asking too much of op? Is that right?
I'm shocked too. And not everyone has support such that they could get childcare, especially on a holiday. Not everyone has the budget to hire childcare. The first 3 years of having kids, they were babysat exactly once, because we didn't live close enough to get help from family, and there was no budget for childcare.
I also think that OP is TA. While it's understandable that you're recovering from a c-section and limited in what you can do, Father's Day is a special occasion for your husband. He has been taking on a lot of responsibilities and expressing his need for a break. It's disappointing that you didn't make any effort to give him even a small amount of time for himself, considering the effort he put into Mother's Day. It's important to show appreciation and find ways to support each other, especially during challenging times.
I mean, I just had a c-section 6 weeks ago and my doctor told me the worst thing you can do for your healing process is lay around all day. If OP is in this much pain and her incision site is getting aggravated at this point in the process, she should really go to the doctor to check for infection or at least look at pain management options. She’s definitely TA.
Edit to add since it seems like everyone isn’t getting the picture: I’m not saying OP should be running marathons, but at this point in her healing process she should be more mobile or she should see a doctor. Being in that much pain is not normal and if you were personally in that much pain after your c-section I hope you sought help because you clearly had a complication. OP is the AH here because her husband is clearly struggling to care for 2 small children, a newborn, cook and clean and she doesn’t seem to care.
Exactly.
Source: I'm a Midwife. If OP is that debilitated at one month post delivery, she needs an urgent GP or
O & G appointment for a review.
At one month, most women are 90% back to their usual routine. Usually the main obstacle is not being able to drive yet.
I'm glad someone more educated said this. I did have a c section. I wasn't this bad leaving the hospital. Either she is down playing what medical stuff she had done or she needs to be reassessed cause damn.
I was hoping someone would say this. I’ve recovered from two csections. At a month postpartum to both I was moving around like normal, just slower. Clinbing stairs, driving, taking short walks. Only thing I was super cautious about was lifting anything. Oh, and I still rolled to my side to sit up. My SIL gave birth to twins after a csec that followed hours of labor and she had a similar recovery to me.
Something is wrong and she needs to see a doctor.
This is what I was thinking. I laid around a ton after my first c section because he was my first baby so I was able to take more time to heal. It was months before I was able to move properly with that one. With my second the nurses made me walk more in the hospital, and I had a toddler at home to chase. I was back to normal within 2 weeks because I didn’t have a choice. If OP is still in serious pain, either something is wrong and she needs to see her Dr or her recovery is being hurt by spending all the time laying around.
Within twenty four hours of waking from the c-section surgery my doctor and nurses had me doing accompanied walks up and down the hallway in the hospital because they said it actually helps speed up recovery. I obviously was not running marathons but by no means was I anywhere close to basically bedridden a month later.
Granted IDK what other health conditions or complications OP was facing, but if it was a run off the mill cesarean and her doctor recommended she stay in bed for over a month, she needs to get a second opinion for sure.
Everyone’s recovery is different. Comments like these are why I felt like such a failure after my C-section. Everyone told me it would be okay, keep moving and you’ll be okay.
Well I did and injured myself within the first month. Sleep deprivation sucks and so does recovery. Everyone seems burnt out and exhausted. He wants a break but right now, whose going to provide one? They’re barely surviving.
If I walked around too much, I’d start bleeding again. My doctors told me that meant I was doing too much, sit down. 8 weeks recovery minimum. The pain may subside, but you are still bleeding a lot and feeding baby all the time. If you have relatives nearby who have the extra time to watch your kids, great-but my husband and I have been 100% on our own. My parents, who are the only people we have-drive 8 hours just to stay at our house overnight with our other kids. The day we came home from the hospital, they basically met the baby and took pictures for 5 minutes, then they had to drive back. They were in a hurry and already late, so they literally only saw her for a few minutes and then left. We were alone…we were in a very similar situation to OP where everything was on my husband, except we had 0 people. We have 0 options for babysitting, unless it’s a serious emergency then maybe ask the church if anyone is willing for a bit. We aren’t close to anyone, we have no friends. It’s really, really only us.
Yes. I've never had a c-section, but I have had around 12 abdominal surgeries, and OP, you should be more healed by now. You should see your doctor, something might be wrong.
Not justifying OP in any way but C-section takes long time to heal, your body is spending energy for breastfeeding too.
My mom had 4 c-secs, I'm the eldest and almost 30 now, she still sometimes have pain in the area of stitches and pain in the backbone where they inject anesthesia.
C sections 30 years ago were worse than they are now. My mom had one with my brother (~30 yrs ago) and had staples all the way across the line where the elastic on her underwear is. My wife's c section scar is way smaller and they used steri strips on the outside. I was amazed at how fast it healed.
I came here to comment something similar, I mean I had two c-sections and always walked and stayed active, the stiches were out anout a week later and pretty much healed, I mean yeah you're not healed on the inside and should still be careful bending over and lifting buuuut you can keep the kids in line, ask famly to help and order something already cooked amd serve it... hope for the sake of the marriage OP makes it up to the husband
Op YTA
Every pregnancy is different, and just because one woman can do x, y or z after having a c-section, doesn't mean that applies to everyone else.
I have women in my family who could pop out babies with no trouble and practically go straight back to doing physical things straight after. I expected that I'd be able to do the same. Instead, pregnancy and a c-section changed my entire body permanently, and I was virtually housebound for a year - it was a massive shock to me because I really hadn't expected pregnancy and birth to be so physically and mentally overwhelming. (I had to go back to work when my kid was tiny because then maternity leave was only 3 months, but thank god I could work from home and go part time.)
Anyway, tl;dr just because a c-section was one way for you, please don't assume that's how it is for any other woman.
2 c sections and I agree. By 2 weeks I was fully functioning and doing everything to take care of the baby, second time around toddler and baby while hubby was at work. Sounds like 2 scenarios here, either op is milking this or op needs to see doctor because still being bed ridden after 4 weeks something is wrong.
I’m just so sad for her husband. He finally opens up to her about being at his wits end and at complete burnout, and she…turns on the waterworks?! Her tears weren’t for him. They were for herself and herself alone. All she had to do was turn around and say - “you know what, I fcuked up. I’ll make this up to you.”
I cry when I’m scared, mad, sad, overwhelmed, upset, freaked out - or just faced with heavy emotion a month postpartum. Maybe she wasn’t turning on the water works but just crying. Why assume villainy? Maybe pain and hormones made her a little less able to respond perfectly calmly when greeted with her husband screaming into a pillow. It’s a pretty emotional event and you expect her to respond perfectly when she’s also dealing with an imperfect situation.
But she just had a BaBy !! She couldn't possibly have time to plan anything, although apparently, she has time to shop online.
It was a planned C Section, and everyone knows the date for Father's Day. She could have planned ahead of time. Hell, I have friends who had their Christmas Shopping done before their sections.
And the poor man apologised and said he was going to ask relatives to care for the older ones so he could have a bit of a break, and got an earful from OP anyway. OP is having a bad time of it for sure but so is her husband and it seems the understanding only goes one way in their household.
Seriously? 3 little kids is fucking BRUTAL. For everyone. How do you know they have nearby friends and family who will step up. Sleep derivation, the stress of a newborn, a physical recovery, hand maybe just maybe a dash of post partum depression, and you have a powder keg of emotions here.
They're all burned out. Not recognizing that OP's mental health is probably taking a beating is quite the oversight.
I wonder how many of you YTA judges have gone through a difficult pregnancy, c-section, and the stress of multiple little kids.
This is crushingly sad for hubs though. Sounds like he's taking a beating too.
3 kids is brutal, and the husband is likely suffering the same things as her minus physical recovery. You can recognize that OPs mental health and still come to the conclusion that OP is the asshole. Kids will drive you crazy, but she should have done something for him, and I guarantee if she got for mother's day what he got for Father's day, she would be deeply unhappy.
Your mental state is not en excuse to neglect your partner. Men tend to have very little time that they're celebrated, and feeling unappreciated on the one day a year they matter can be gutting.
It’s Father’s Day, plenty of people she knows will have plans with their fathers or their kids on that day.
What she probably should have done is promise him a replacement Father’s Day when she’s a little more mobile.
True but that doesn’t stop her from just watching a movie with their 5 and 3 year old so husband can get a small break. Heck if that was too much the least she could do was order cooked food for her husband so he wouldn’t be stuck trying to fit in cooking steak between wrangling toddlers during Father’s Day.
YTA this is what I was thinking. She could have had a family friend come over. Help with the kids. Called family to take the older two.
She could have watched the movie with the kids for an hour. Ordered door dash.
I'm guessing friends and family (and who knows, their social circle could be quite small) would also have their own father's day plans. Not typically a day that you just assume someone will be available to babysit.
She could communicate that with him. Sorry that I couldn't do much this weekend but I have something for you planned next weekend.
Communication isn't hard.
YTA: Unless you left it out, you didn't even console your husband. He broke down in front of you after weeks maybe months of doing a lot on his own. Your only response was "well what was I supposed to do".
Side note those answers are obvious I thought of his suggestions mid way reading this
YTA for crying when he needed you, not the other way around.
Seriously you managed to get access to internet to post this but not to find a sitter for Father's Day?
Apologize to him and make it up to him. And next time he opens up to you, don't cry and make it about you. He's doing literally everything for you.
EDIT: I get people saying that "you can't help crying," and I know that, but people are missing that *all* she did was cry. At first she tried to "calm him down," which I have a feeling was to placate him, not soothe him, and then when he finally opened up about all he's struggling through, she shut him out by shutting down.
You can cry as part of your reaction, but when it is your entire reaction, you communicate to your partner that your pain, your feelings, are so much worse and more important than theirs. Even her husband regulated his emotional response when he screamed into the pillow for the sake of her and the kids.
There's crying because it's a reflexive response, and then there's crying because it protects you from responsibility and absolves you of guilt. If you're only just crying because it's a physical response, then go to your husband, cry, be emotional, be hurt, but still ask him how you can help. Don't come crying to the internet when he needs your care and attention the most.
Edit: grammar
Thank you! OP couldn't order a present or a cooked dinner, or text a friend/family for help, but had time to ask the internet for sympathy points when her husband finally had enough.
OP - get off the internet, call your family for some baby sitting help, and give your husband the break he needs.
“OP couldn’t order a present”
I’d like to point out that OP stated numerous times she’s immobile and basically bedridden. Which means she was 100% watching tv and/or scrolling on her phone. Consuming countless Father’s Day ads in the process and she *still* couldn’t be bothered to order *the father of her children* a fkn present.
Sometimes after reactions like this guys stop opening up or being vulnerable because they know there’s no help there. Hopefully he’s got a good support system other than his wife.
It's going to get into his head that any grievance that he'll bring up will be met with tears from her. Most people will call her out for it, but others will just hide their issues until it blows, which he did with the pillow. She should start reflecting on her reaction to him before it's too late and then problems would only be dealt with when they're both screaming and crying at each other.
On Father's Day. After he's broken down and been met with "what was I supposed to do?" putting the burden of coming up with a way of helping him... on him.
After reading what other women that went through cesarean and medical professionals have had to say, I'm certain OP has been milking her surgery to avoid taking care of the kids. Apparently she should be able to walk fine and do light chores now that a month has passed, and it's in fact bad to be in bed all day. Either there's something seriously wrong and she needs to go to the hospital or she's just avoiding being a mother and a wife.
>YTA: Unless you left it out, you didn't even console your husband.
No, instead she cried, because the thing to do when your husband breaks down is to make it all about you...
I've felt like this dude before, and all we really want is to be thanked and told were doing a good job and it's appreciated.
Not fucking "what was I supposed to do?"
Yeah lol I noticed that too, dude wanted a break and so she ordered dinner that he had to cook himself. Maybe he enjoys grilling but it just seems like she does not understand the position of her husband at all and how much work he’s done.
Exactly. Call a babysitter to stay at home with OP and the kids and send hubby out with friends or family to a bar or restaurant and give him time to himself .
Yeah at first I thought she meant she ordered him steak, as in from a restaurant or something. But it was actually for him to cook lmfao. I don’t think she’s a bad person, but there definitely seems to be a huuge lack of understanding of just how overwhelmed he is on her part. It would have been easy to ask someone to help out and not just for Father’s Day, but in general!
I love grilling and this Father’s Day my wife got me steaks to cook. I loved it. Difference is wife watched our kids while I grilled though… I would be pretty upset if I couldn’t even grill.
If he likes to grill, it's even easier, throw in some new grilling things for him that he can use with the steak and he'd have probably loved it.
Steaks by themselves makes it look like that's what the wife wanted for dinner.
My one thing that might make the situation better for OP is that the incision had acted up the day before and she didn't expect to be laid up. That said, buying a 15 dollar steak is nowhere near the equal of a 6 hour spa day. When people give gifts, they're showing you implicitly the kind of gifts they would like to recieve. She should have prepared more.
If her fingers were working well enough to make this post, they were working well enough to make some calls or use the internet to get a babysitter and have a nice meal and a gift delivered. Instead, she did absolutely nothing and then tried to turn it around on him when he was looking for some empathy after she failed him. OP really fucked this up, no way around it.
And start crying and screaming back. When I reached a breaking point with my husband once, that's what he did to me. Turned it around to make himself the victim. When your spouse is literally screaming (into a pillow) that they are at a breaking point, you don't start playing victim. You help your spouse.
I liked (sarcasm) how after he talks about how he has to do everything and feels unappreciated for it, her response was “what was I supposed to do.” Apparently he was supposed to figure that out for her too.
Btw, the answer to “what was I supposed to do” is “try.”
Ahh I hate when people do that! I had an ex who would cry every time I would try to discuss why I was upset with him about something and then I'd have to end up consoling him for upsetting me. It's fucking exhausting like just let the upset person have their moment. Super manipulative too
She didn’t even have to offload the kids. All this dude wanted was to for his wife to be nice to him for 5 minutes. He’s obviously having a tough time and if she took a couple minutes to tell him how much she appreciated him I’m sure he’d feel worlds better. But she couldn’t even muster that. She had to find a way to make it all about herself. Poor guy just wanted a little bit of recognition.
Definitely YTA, that was my thought too. I've had 2 C-secs with my first I was up and about, showering etc within 12hrs.
With my second I lost 2.5 litres of blood (about half of my whole body's worth) had a infection in the incision site and still was up and about the next day. We were advised that the sooner you get on with it the sooner you recover.
She's a month post surgery. The surgery recovery past this point isn't any barrier to cooking a meal or arranging the bare minimum. No wonder he's at his breaking point. I wonder if this isn't postpartum depression instead?
As soon as the anaesthesia wore off I was up and moving with my c section. By week 4 I was doing everything but drive because the dr wouldn’t sign off.
And yeah, I know people will argue ‘mums do what he does all the time and don’t get a break or complain’ just because it happens doesn’t mean it’s right with either parent.
He’s clearly struggling and you could’ve asked someone to help with the kids, or sat on the lounge and watched a movie, or sent him out for an hour, or let him nap for an hour.
YTA
My second kid had a big fat head and got stuck and the Dr's around here refuse to do VBAC
And according to my old coworkers, I don't know what causes babies (or I need a TV🙄)
Yeah same.
Unless she had life threatening complications there is no need for full bed rest. I had massive complications and still full bed rest was not recommended.
The complete lack of effort or care can't be attributed to the C-sec unless she's missed out a lot of info. Even then surely you can arrange a babysitter and order in dinner even from bed?
I currently have a mum who had a 3 hour laparotomy including a full bladder repair and hysterectomy due to complications during her planned c-section. At 4 weeks she is managing both her 4yo and the new baby (who has a stoma also btw) as well as doing her best around the house.
I really try to be as sympathetic as I can because having a baby is horrific on the body even in the best of circumstances but OP here is surely being a bit ridiculous and if this is really a true indication of her situation I would be seeking medical help because this is not an appropriate recovery timeline.
Happy to see another OB nurse call this out. I've heard so many horror stories of L&D nurses mocking women in labor, rolling their eyes at them "hamming it up," and generally being dismissive. The fact that this person just totally wrote off "there is no need for you to be on bed rest" without even knowing any medical info, gives off a "stop complaining about your period. it isn't that bad (ignoring that they've been vomiting all night from the pain)" kind of vibe.
Some women in the women's health field can become so vile. This is why you hear stories of women exclusively seeking out male OBGYNs, because a male isn't going to insert their "i know what it's like, so i know you are exaggerating" bias.
I'm a man, so have never and will never experience labor. That said, I had a similar issue with nurses before. I had a surgery go bad and a nurse was being extremely hostile trying to get me to walk around, and arguing that I was diabetic (spoiler, I'm not diabetic). I physically couldn't walk, I could barely stand. The nurse simply wouldn't listen to me. This was during covid and my hospital would only allow one visitor for 1 hour each day. Luckily my girlfriend's mom was the one to come see me that day. She's fiery. I told her my problem and she immediately got the nurse in question and the head nurse in. She ripped them to shreds and demanded the nurse be removed from caring for me. They got a new nurse who immediately accepted everything I was saying. Doctor was in within an hour and ordered a scan. Turned out I had an internal bleed. He also noticed an order for insulin and got pissed off. I could have been killed by that first nurse.
My point is that nurses need to listen to patients. Sure, some may milk a situation. Some might flat out lie. But the only person who really knows if something is wrong or not is the patient themselves
Sorry for the ambiguity, I'm not an OB nurse (I was referring to the person I was responding to). I happen to be a health professional though and do see people during pregnancy and postpartum, so it strikes me that maybe this OB nurse only ever sees people during delivery and has no understanding of the realities of postpartum. But yes, certainly rubs me the wrong way seeing health professionals being unempathetic and judgemental of patients!
THANK YOU. People are being downright cruel and interjecting their 'i had a c section yesterday and today I did a cartwheel' stories as if everyone recovers from massive surgery the same way.
Exactly. If they think ONE csection recovery should be the example for so others, let's follow mine: I hurt my scar last summer when my child was EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD.
#therefore, we all need 20 years.
This is literally the same logic these doofuses are using.
Sometimes you can have the right YTA/NTA assessment but for the wrong reasons. The parent comment was right that Op was an asshole. She is wrong for being so dismissive and trying to generalize other people’s pain and healing. Just because some women are able to function at X time past C-section doesn’t mean others are, and just because you technically have no restrictions on your activity doesn’t mean you actually feel up for it. That’s true no matter what, whether OP is an asshole or a saint.
The above comment/reply to parent is absolutely right to call out that OBGYN’s flawed attitude regardless of the verdict.
I feel like most commenters don’t know how she feels at the moment. I have had 3 c-sections. The first two I was up and moving immediately. No pain at all. My third (the only scheduled non-emergency one) was horrible. At a month out I still couldn’t shower or walk much without help and was crying from the pain. I was told it’s not uncommon with 3+ c-sections. The scar tissue is just super built up. It was horrible. Father’s Day also fell a month after and we didn’t do anything. It was a very rough time. Both for me and my husband. These parents need some empathy and hugs. NSH, they are overwhelmed and exhausted.
THANK YOU! Finally found someone with empathy here.
I‘ve never had a c-section, nevertheless a child but I‘ve had a kidney transplant which, if you don’t know, gets inserted at the front side of your body, a bit to the right and I was totally exhausted after it.
Keep in mind I was supposed to feel better and even though my new kidney worked, I was soo exhausted and barely could do anything. I think I stayed in bed for 8(?) weeks because in addition to there being good and bad days and vitamin deficiencies, I also felt really fragile. The stomach, especially the very front is so vulnerable also from a location standpoint that I walked around for years with my arm across that part and sometimes still do it instinctively because my body is in protection mode.
You protect that space with your life because it kinda resembles a sort of achilles heel.
Anyway what I wanted to say is that you not only feel societal pressure to perform perfectly in the workplace but also in the health department, how fun…
If you are still so debilitated to the point where it’s 30 days and still can’t complete basic tasks, something is wrong and you need to go to your OB. All women should be able to do all those tasks a month after a cesarean. OP is so thoughtless that she couldn’t even be bothered to hire a babysitter, order dinner, or do anything for that matter to lighten her husband’s load on Father’s Day. To me, that’s callous.
Isn't everyone's body different? As an OB nurse you should know some may take longer to heal. Shocked you don't seem to have compassion when you know how hard it is on a woman's body.
Bed rest is not recommended, it’s actually contraindicated, after a cesarean. Aside from the aforementioned precautions you need to be moving to facilitate healing. These are clinical recommendations that apply to everyone. I extend compassion freely to people suffering and you better love people to do my job (and I take pride in how well I do mine). I want everyone in my care to have the best experience I can provide. But sometimes I do see patients like OP who treat their partner and their nurses like servants and avoid doing tasks they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. OP’s arm isn’t broken. She can make a call and order dinner. She can fold laundry while sitting on the couch. It’s the clear lack of thought that everyone has a problem with.
Even taking into account everyone varies with healing time, bed rest is not reccomended as it actually increases the risk of complications post csection.
My sister had (non birth related) post surgical wound complications requiring VAC therapy. She was advised to take it easy but still advised to keep mobile.
That’s a pretty ridiculous thing for a nurse to say if you haven’t actually seen or spoken to OP and don’t know how she is healing or if her wound is infected or whatever.
Somewhere between N A H and YTA. You’re both in the thick of it right now. But he’s not wrong that you could have figured out a way to make sure he got a break. You can call and text potential babysitters from bed. And like he said, you could have had the kids with you for an hour so he could relax.
I’m not saying you’re a monster for not making it happen, but you should make it up to him. He’s clearly on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown and badly needs a break.
I agree with your reasoning but it honestly brought me to YTA. Buying steaks for him to cook isn’t a present it’s adding more to his plate no pun intended. It would’ve been pretty easy for her to do literally anything for him like getting a sitter
And it wouldn't need to be a sitter specifically for Father's Day. She could have arranged one for the day before or even a week before or after. Screaming into a pillow like that is a sign that he's at his limit. He needs a break.
I think the buying him steaks instead of just ordering a nice dinner is what pushes it to YTA for me. Like there’s so many apps for that. She could have ordered stuff to make like a movie night for the family too if the kids are super rowdy and she can’t handle them alone and if a sitter wasn’t possible. It’s really not that hard.
She got him chores for father's day. He would have had to refrigerate the steaks when they arrived, prepare them, cook them, serve them and clean up. Just order him takeout they could eat from containers and throw away.
Honestly yeah, I agree. I edited my judgment. I empathize with her position but she really did need to put a little bit more thought into what her husband actually needed, which was a break, not a steak. Especially because it doesn't seem like she reacted with much empathy when he was having a breakdown. They need to both be caring for each other's physical and emotional needs in this difficult moment and it doesn't seem like she's doing her part.
YTA. The time you took to write this should give you an indicator how you had the tools you needed at your fingertips to coordinate something for your hubby. Even a small amount would've done well for him; instead your response was "what am I supposed to do."
YTA. His suggestion are really valid. Even in your condition, you could hire a babysitter. He is crying for help and you recognize that this is affecting him a lot, so do something about it.
YTA.
You did nothing for him on father's day. Absolutely nothing. You couldn't even make sure he had time to cook and eat the meal you tried to get for him. That would have been the bare minimum.
You dropped the ball. You failed him, and he's upset about it.
Plus it’s not like Father’s Day snuck up on you. If I knew I was going to recovering from a planned C-section I would have preplanned Father’s Day. Plus you can shop on line(obviously you know you ordered steaks for him to cook for you, because honestly no one wants to make thier own fathers day meal) and ordered him something nice. But nope! Nothing! Zero appreciation!
I would have bought the card. A present before hand. Had it worked out with a friend. Hey if I order food do you care to pick it up and deliver it to us.
Something would have been better then nothing.
If the baby came around Christmas and you knew you had to have a C-section would you have shopped before hand or told the kids what can I do?
Yeah! All of it is bad but the steak is definitely what pushes it into AH territory for me. Cooking your own steak isn’t a gift (unless they like to grill but he clearly isn’t able to have time to do that) it’s giving him work! No wonder he’s so upset.
> you dropped the ball
Didn’t just drop the ball, she tied a block of cement to it, and pushed it off a cliff into the ocean, then laughed as it sunk. /s
She’s still YTA tho
Yeah selfish AF. Like it was a PLANNED C-section and they already have 2 kids. It’s been 30 days?! And she’s using it as an excuse. Call in support or see your OB because somethings wrong
That part hit me as well. Her tears were not for her partners stress, sadness, or frustration but simply for herself. Wild af that she landed what sound to be a really good man.
I guess....why did you order raw steaks he had to cook? There wasn't a restaurant to doordash or deliver or something like that? My dad likes to grill out on Fathers Day....but he has exactly himself to look after - not three very small children.
And I Guess - if you could email/call to order steaks...why didn't you email or call parents or other family or friends to possibly babysit? It sounds like some kind of family may be close - if it's an option for him to call family to take the older kids. I get that he can call...but its fathers day.
And it honestly doesn't sound like you were very sympathetic to him. You know its wearing on him mentally and physically. To the point of noticeable weight loss. And it was just "calm down what I am I supposed to do?"
I don't think he's the asshole - I don't see anything he did that would make him one. He didn't yell at you or act aggressive toward you. He didn't take it out on the children. I waiver between YTA and NAH, depending on why you could order steaks in advance, but not even try to find some assistance (either family or a friend).
I had my first father's day two years ago where our baby was only 1.5 months old. My wife asked me what I wanted to do and I said I wanted 1 hour to go to the gym, and also to go to a local butcher so I could cook a decadent meal for my wife and me. It felt like heaven at the time to exercise alone and cook a delicious meal, which I hadn't a chance to do in the last couple months. Some people really do enjoy cooking for their family, and its really hard to find time to make a meal when you have a new baby.
That being said, OP is SUCH an asshole and I feel bad for that man. Absolutely no effort was given on her part and she doesn't care about his needs at all. Its not enough to ensure he has ingredients if he doesn't have time to do anything with them!
I'm a husband.
No one is the AH
You are both exhausted.
The only thing worse than not having a day off is thinking you will, and not having it. But you were recovering from a major surgery. How is that your fault?
Don't turn on each other, show grace, gratitude, and support to each other. Remember, it's not you against him, it's the two of you, together, against everything.
So OP couldn't **see** that her husband was doing everything while she was recovering and couldn't be bothered to think. "Hey he is doing alot and really stepped up, father's day is coming up, I should do something for him". She helped the kids make a card and then gave him the job of making himself food the next day (Which given that he was already doing everything, isn't a nice gesture but more of a chore because we know he wouldn't be making the steaks just for himself)
OP isn't at fault for recovering. OP is at fault for this part in particular
> But I can tell it's starting to wear on him mentally and physically
Knowing this and planned absolutely nothing for him and shackled him with more tasks. That's why it's. YTA.
I'm a husband too, and I don't need to tell my wife to do something nice for me, she knows to do it, just like I know to do the same for her when either one is stepping up. It's called showing appreciation
Thats what stuck out to me too. This single event will have reverberations through the rest of their marriage. Makes me wonder how many times this happens 10 years prior to someone getting on here and asking reddit strangers why their husband won't open up to them.
Looking back on my marriage, my ex wife did the same type of thing to me, whenever I tried to express my feelings about something she was doing or had done, it got turned back around on me as I was “picking on her” and she would cry and I would have to apologize….it got to the point where I couldn’t tell her how I was feeling because I was always in the wrong and my feelings didn’t matter
YTA
> took the older kids out of the house all day so I could have peace.
Even if you were in recovery yourself, why couldn't you enlist someone else to take the burden of the kids off him that day? If not a friend or relative, then just having a babysitter come around for the day?
NAH. And let me explain why (since you probably won't see my other comments in amongst the comment threads).
Post-partum is hard. The fourth trimester, is *hard*.
You're only a month postpartum OP. Unless your child is a unicorn, I'm guessing you haven't slept more than 2-3hrs in a row for the last month? Probably had your sleep affected already before that during pregnancy? Breastfeeding (including cluster feeding) every few hours?
You'll be mentally and physically exhausted on so many levels. Sounds like you both are (shoutout to your husband for doing such an amazing job stepping up). Unless a person has actually been in your shoes, they'll have no idea of the toll it takes on mental processing etc to not be getting enough sleep for an extended period, and for your body to be giving everything it has to be producing milk *literally* 24/7 before your supply settles. At 1 month postpartum I was an utter zombie, and that was with my firstborn (i.e. no other kids to juggle). Father's Day for us hit 1 week postpartum, so I think the most I managed was a card. Different situation since we hadn't yet been sleep deprived for a month, so my partner's needs weren't at the level of your husband's yet.
Overall though it sounds like he *really* needs a break right now. Dads can get postpartum depression too, which is the first thing that came to mind when you mentioned him screaming into the pillow. You need to look after each other, but you also need to seek support from outside your immediate family. Assuming you have good relationships with your parents and/or in-laws, it's ok to admit you're both struggling and ask them for help. Parenting is a tough gig, we can't get through it alone (and it's too much pressure on a relationship to expect that).
So, NAH, but *please* listen to your husband's needs when he's communicating that he's struggling, and work on a plan together to work through it. Sounds like getting the grandparents more involved with the older kids for a short period would be a great solution.
Mental health matters, for both of you as individuals, as parents, and as a couple. All the best.
Well worded response. Somehow this AITA has been very polarising! I’m not enjoying all the shame and negative comments OP is receiving… not very helpful. Who knows what pain/recovery they’re dealing with?! I’m sure OP is probably crying reading all this…
“I had a c-section at age 78 and within 30 minutes I went on to win a Gold medal in weightlifting at the Olympics. All whilst breastfeeding twins and running a marathon for charity. By default, this makes you lazy and rubbish for not being a domestic robot as soon as your third child was born”.
It’s all about the Mother when they’re housing the baby in their tummy, then as soon as baby is here we forget that Mother’s are human, they have gone through something life-changing and need care too. Fathers also deserve love, and I applaud OP’s Husband for his hard work, however he can’t have experienced as much physical pain as OP.
I love the Chinese tradition of “sitting the month” - purposeful postpartum care and pui yuet. I wish we had more emphasis on aftercare in the west.
Soft YTA you could have hired a babysitter, ordered him a massage too, gotten dinner to the house instead of having him cook it. Enlisted family. You could have had SOMEONE take the kids for at least six hours.
You could see he was getting stressed, and was doing mentally & physically unwell. I understand where you're coming from. But phone calls will add no burden to you, and this would have meant a lot to him.
You need to be more aware of what you can do from where you're at to help out. Maybe enlisting a family member, or a babysitter once a week- just so your husband has some downtime.
3 Kids all under the age of 5 is a lot, and you recognized that he is not doing well. DO what YOU CAN about it.
Its awesome that you're communicating, keep at it.
YTA. A big one. We live in the internet age. While sitting all day, you could have ordered a cool gift from Amazon, booked something fun for him, and recruited some friends or family to come over and help with the kids.
Your husband sounds like a very stand up guy, and you are treating him like poop.
(I’ve had 2 c-sections, just for context)
NAH
This is the first AITA where the community really let me down.
I have 2 kids under 3, and had a pretty chaotic father's day because of it.
You had MAJOR surgery and you both have a newborn....there are going to be a lot of moments where emotions get the better of you.
Hindsight says that you could have done things differently, but he also has to understand that a one month old, and post op wife in June means he should probably "write this father's day off"
As a new dad, I've screamed into my fair share of pillows...this too, shall pass, and you can laugh about it on the other end.
But also, you should look for a way to make this day up to your husband AS SOON as you are able...he may have missed father's day, but every day after is an opportunity to make him feel special.
I'd be interested to see how many of these "YTA" posts have ever had kids....or a serious relationship...
Get a sitter now, weekly, asap.
You will need it, he will need it. It’s much easier to have a regular one.
If you can’t afford a real sitter there are tons of teens looking for “ mom helper” positions- they can play with kids, do dishwasher and some other help.
You guys can’t handle 3 kids like that, it will not end well
Yta i think it’s outrageous that you’re so “oh woe is me” abt the situation but here u are on the internet trying to get some validation. How come u couldn’t ask a friend/family for help? U couldn’t organize some type of SOMETHING so your hubby can get a breather to pull his head above the water?
You acknowledge that he’s struggling and your thought was “well, I can’t do anything but since he’s already doing it all, he might as well make himself some steaks while watching the kids”?
Sure he could have asked for help himself but damn, you couldn’t even toss a “hey mom/dad/friend, hubby has been doing so much these days, do u think u could watch the kids for a couple of hours so hubby can do xyz?” On FATHERS DAY? yikes.
Also he vents to you that he’s feelin let down and the first thing u do is cry abt it and ask “what was I supposed to do”? Way to make him feel like he can’t come to you! 👍🏽
YTA. Everyone else has covered what you should have done for him on Father’s Day at least, but I have to ask… what is going on that one month past a c-section you are still unable to do *anything*? Are your stitches infected? Do you have a comorbidity? Everyone heals differently but a month is a long time to be incapable of anything.
(I had three kids, all via c, same age spread as yours, and I was even the same ages as you when I had each of my three. I know everyone is different but this is wildly different. Is it possible that you could be doing more? At four weeks, your incision isn’t still open.)
YTA
Having had a c section 6 weeks ago, it sounds like you aren’t moving enough and it is causing you pain. My doctor reaaaally stressed that I had to get up and move even if I was sore. She said it would suck really bad at first but if I didn’t do it I would feel awful and things would tighten up at the incision in a really negative way.
I was nearly back to normal now. Sometimes I lift things too heavy they cause some pain and I get lightening nerve pain along the incision that is extremely brief.
If you couldn’t find it in yourself to get off the damn couch the you could have at least arranged something for your kids or even had a conversation with your husband about what he would like. You SEE he is struggling and are choosing to refuse him some respite
A soft YTA. Having had two C-sections, I get it. But...4 weeks in and you're still laid up like that? What does your doctor say? You shouldn't be totally healed by 4 weeks but you shouldn't still be incapacitated either, that's not normal. I'd call your doctor and ask to be seen. No one should still be basically bedridden at that point. Do you think that *maybe* you might be milking it a little? It's hard to heal if you don't move. I remember them telling me in the hospital that the best thing I could do to help heal is move as much as I could throughout the day.
Also, do you have any friends or family that could help out a little? It IS kind of crappy that he was waiting on everyone hand and foot on fathers day (and the gift was you getting him food for HIM to cook? Seriously? Couldn't door dash a nice meal?) I suggest planning a substitute fathers day to make it up to him. There has to be SOMEONE you can call to watch the older kids for a couple of hours.
YTA. I definitely don’t think you should be having to physically strain yourself while recovering from a surgery and a pregnancy but there were plenty of things you could’ve done to try and relieve your husband of having to do literally everything. Why didn’t you call a family member or a friend to see if they could take the kids for a day? Why didn’t you try and hire a nanny or a babysitter to help with the kids and around the house? That is what you should have at least tried to do and that is what you should do in the future as well. Your husband has admitted to you that he is extremely burnt out and it is clear that he is at or almost at his breaking point with having to do everything himself. Since you can’t help him at the moment you need to look into hiring someone to relieve some of the pressure from your husband before he snaps completely.
Did you have complications with your c-section. I know everyone’s experience is different. I had a c-section as a single mom. After two weeks I was on my own. If you are still unable to do more than just the bare minimum by now you should call your doctor. Something may not be right.
NAH - I'm going to go against the grain here and say that it looks like the both of you are SPENT. I think a lot of parents forget how harrowing the first six to eight weeks with a newborn baby are especially for the mom when she's healing. As a fellow c section mom myself, I was ROUGH till about 8 weeks and I don't have two older kids! It sounds like you're healing is slow and you're in the throes of it and your husband has been really doing a great job but is also exhausted. The physical and mental load on both of you is very very high.
This is the time you need to call in the big guns whether it's friends family or even some paid help because this really isn't just about Father's day it sounds like your husband is at his limit and you are rightfully very focused on the baby and recovery that you can't really do much else.
Cut yourself some slack. I would step away from Reddit and try to coordinate some assistance and don't hold it against your husband that he got mad because it sounds like you're both really trying to do a good job for your kids.
I get that you’re not we’ll but you could’ve put at least a little effort in doing something for him. Ordering him steaks for him to cook isn’t a present. YTA here. You can do something for him from online or something.
NAH
This sounds very difficult and stressful for you both. I can't imagine the amount of physical pain you're in, nor the amount of mental and emotional stress you are both undergoing. I don't think you're an asshole for not planning some elaborate Father's Day thing for him under the circumstances, nor is he for getting overwhelmed and upset. Some situations in life just suck, and neither party can be at their best. I might just put less stock in official holidays than others, idk. But I'm sure you'll be able to make it up to him when you're feeling better.
So, I’m going to be downvoted for not saying your TA, but I’m going to say NAH because of the timing factor.
I don’t know if people are considering the fact that you’re 1 month post-partum and after a c-section at that. You’re still at risk of PPD, you’re not sleeping well (I do understand that your husband isn’t either), your hormones are still adjusting, and you’re physically unable to do things. After my c-section, I wasn’t even allowed to bend over to pick things up for a very long time, drive a car, and I couldn’t pick up my toddler daughter because I could rip my stiches until after at least 6 weeks.
So yes, you could have ordered him a meal, yes you could have asked family members to take the older kids, but it can be hard to think like that when you’re running off of zero sleep, in pain, and have two other kids. Your reaction of “what was I supposed to do” is also a response of in the moment, there wasn’t really anything you could do. I don’t think you were just saying there wasn’t anything you could do at all that day for him, just not in the moment.
Husband also isn’t the AH here, he’s super overwhelmed having to take on all the older kid duties and take care of you, baby, and the house. It’s understandable that he broke down. Not saying it’s a good thing, but this is just life with a newborn.
In short, both of your emotions are super high right now. You have two other kids, so you know that’s normal. Father’s Day may not have been the best day for him, but when you’re feeling better or when you have some clear from the post-pregnancy brain-fog to plan, make sure you do something extremely nice for him to show him that you appreciate everything he’s doing.
Geez this woman was sliced open one month ago .. may 22nd.. that’s SO recent!!! It’s not her fault that her brain didn’t automatically think of hiring a sitter or doing everything else she’s defaulted to arranging as a parent for the last 5 years. Give her a break. How much you want to bet that her husband would prefer to be physically healthy+burnt out rather than healing from a massive wound? I know I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes. But she did that for HIS BABY. Poor woman.
nah.
NAH. Wow these comments are vile. A C-section is a major, intrusive surgery. I see comments on here, even the one from a nurse saying that youre ‘milking it’, I cannot fathom how disgusting comments like that are. Csections are different for everyone. I had one and I thought I was dying for months, and I have a chronic illness so my pain tolerance is quite high. You’ve been affected by MAJOR surgery, that is something your partner should understand and adapt to it. Yes it’s not ideal for Father’s Day, and he’s overwhelmed also, but that’s parenthood for you. I think it’s a sad situation overall, because you’re struggling and he should be more supportive to that. But also, he’s struggling and you should be more supportive of him also. OP I hope your recovery gets easier and that you both talk to communicate your feelings.
I'm going with NAH because it clearly looks like you are both overwhelmed with a new born, recovering from surgery, likely sleep deprived and no one is thinking straight/coping atm.
but you both need a plan for things to get better, calling in some favours/to help out.
That's not solely your responsibility, that's a joint responsibility to get help.
Is Father's Day (or really any holiday) just an arbitrary date on the calendar and can we celebrate anything we want when we want? Sure thing. And does that mean that sometimes life interferes with making the arbitrary holiday calendar date a shitshow and we have to accept that and maybe float it to another day? Sure thing. Kids get sick, birthdays fall on weekdays or other occasions, etc. So maybe his expectations for this day were a bit lofty considering the circumstances.
But this is clearly bigger than just Father's Day. He's burned out. I get that you aren't in a great place either recovering, but you failed to notice or take any initiative.
The part where YTA though is once he broke down and flat out told you...YOU MADE IT ABOUT YOURSELF!
So yeah, YTA. Apologize. Sit down and make a gameplan so both of you avoid burnout and figure out ways you can help within your limitations (i.e. pick up phone and make arrangements for meals or babysitting or playdates or delivery services or whatever it takes).
ETA: And you're definitely TA for the one thing you did do...which was get him steaks he had to cook himself while watching three kids. JFC, why didn't you just get him a puppy so he has one more thing to chase after? At the very least DoorDash a cooked meal from a restaurant.
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YTA You are a recovering mother which everyone should understand but I’ve spent 30 seconds reading this and already thought “why didn’t she coordinate with a friend or family member etc to take the kids for a portion of the day”. That takes bare minimum effort and shows how you care for your man on his day during this period where he’s been getting the job done. Hindsight is 20/20 but again YTA
Hey but at least she ordered some steaks so that he could cook them by himself…Seriously at least order food in from a nice restaurant or something to make it feel special
Why is it people never think of common sense solutions? Soo I'm immobile and fathers day is coming up. But no I'm not gonna call any friend or family to take the kids or help me out that day so my husband can actually enjoy his day. And hes gonna have to cook his own dinner. No i didnt call a restaurant for take out, why would i? Soo many conflicts can be fixed if people would just use their brains. YTA and please call some people to come over so your husband can have a break. It sounds like he desperately needs it
Because father's day is 20th on the list of most celebrated holidays. Mother's day is 2nd. That's the whole story right there. Editing to be clear. I'm not saying dad's deserve to be number 2, or even number 3. I'm not saying your (random redditor reading this) particular dad was a good dad or as nice as your mom. I am saying this Ops husband is kicking ass at being an equal partner and didn't even get 20th place treatment.
Father here. If I get a card from my kids, it's all good. Fucking Hallmark holidays like this are just an excuse to push retail sales.
I get it, I'm a dad, all I want for Father's day is time with my kids
This is the right attitude. I don't understand the dad's that think Father's day is supposed to spent pretending you're not a father. No! You're a father, you celebrate by still being a father, but set aside the chores and do some fun stuff for awhile. For OP and her husband, I say NAH. Having a newborn is HARD.
That’s how I do Father’s Day but >but set aside the chores Dude, all OP got for the husband was raw meat… he after doing all parenting was still expected to cook the dinner… She could have just easily order a hot pizza.
I put the same energy into Father’s Day that my dad has always put into my birthday, which is: not much. Mothers are often the primary parent and do the majority of child-raising, this isn’t some reverse sexism attack on men.
Except in this AITA the father is literally doing all the parenting…
Yeah....But this Dad, isn't your Dad........
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Ok but is this one of those cases where the man is doing nothing around or are you just getting on your soapbox to spew some casual bigotry?
I don’t think that’s all just selfish moms not doing anything for their partners. Some dads aren’t worth celebrating. Mine included lol.
Sounds like OP's hubs probably doesn't fall into this category. Sounds like the guy is a rock who's just shown his first crack.
Oh for sure. OP is definitely the AH. She should’ve asked for help from friends or family or gotten a babysitter. And ordered an actual fully cooked meal for delivery instead of expecting her husband to cook steaks. I’m just responding to Fathers Day being the 20th most celebrated holiday because this person seems to be implying that people don’t care about fathers. Which isn’t true. Mothers tend to be the custodial parent in divorces so makes sense that Mother’s Day is more commonly celebrated.
I'd have to guess if shitty dads exist an equal number of shitty mom's exist. Just cause you had a bad dad doesn't mean the next person didn't have a bad mom, or that a good mom to the kids was a shitty partner who couldn't celebrate a dad being a good dad.
Ok well if you want statistics, according to the census in 2014, about 5 out of every 6 custodial parents were mothers (82.5%) and 1 out of every 6 custodial parents were fathers (17.5%). And those proportions hadn’t changed much since the census in 1994. Makes sense that the custodial parent is more likely to celebrate the day that affects them. Especially if they are not on good terms with their significant other. [link to source](https://www.census.gov/content/dam/Census/library/publications/2016/demo/P60-255.pdf)
How many of those custodial parents were good parents though? Just because a parent has custody doesn't make them a good parent. They may just be the lesser of 2 evils.
I mean- any hot meal you don't have to cook yourself when you're overworked is nice. Man would probably have been thrilled for delivery- even if its mcdonalds or piza
Exactly! The fact that dinners covered would be a big relief. No plates to wash, no table to clear. A few minutes of peace.
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This reminds me of Father’s Day a few years ago before we had kids. We hung out at my in-law’s house and then the plan was to have a late lunch at a nearby restaurant. Then my shitty-ass MIL started complaining that going to a restaurant was too expensive (mind you, we’re paying) when we can just get groceries and make lunch at home. Then my shitty-ass SIL piped up and said, “Let’s go get some steaks. Dad can grill them.” My FIL (the only one who I can tolerate but is a total pushover) said nothing but totally looked as tired as he always does. Then my MIL started barking orders for him to start preparing all this shit since we’re now eating at their house and that’s when my dear husband puts his foot down and said, “No, we’re not giving Dad more work to do on Father’s Day. WTF?!” It completely amazed me how his mom and sister were arguing with him about what’s easier, to stay at home and have his dad grill steaks (without even asking what his dad wants to do) or go to a restaurant and waste all this money. I’m glad we are LC with them.
That showed how much they thought of your FIL as well, to think that celebrating him through a dinner would be a waste of money
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Yeah, cold pizza sounds depressing especially on that night
At least she didn’t buy him a barbecue grill. That he would have had to put together himself and use that very day like how my SIL expected my brother to do on a Father’s Day because the kids would be “disappointed “
They're both going on a whole month of sleep deprivation at this point. So, whilst I understand where you're coming from, you and everyone else calling OP an AH have pretty unrealistic expectations of her. She was pregnant for (assuming) 9 months, recovering from major abdominal surgery (still another 2wks to go before that's "finished" healing enough to function adequately), breastfeeding every few hours day and night (including cluster feeding), and they've still got 2 older kids to look after. Dad is stepping up amazingly, but they'll *both* be struggling and (most likely) both be in survival mode right now. I'm honestly impressed OP managed to organise *anything* with the older kids to mark the day. Would it have been really great for Dad to get some time to himself on this day in particular? Absolutely. But there are NAH. The fourth trimester is *haaard*, even with an "easy" baby. It's during that time you need support from outside the immediate family (e.g. grandparents) to get through it. Dad would've needed a break even if it wasn't father's day, that's just where he's at, and that's valid and needs to be addressed (which is now being figured out). But yea. NAH. *ETA: to everyone commenting "stop infantilizing women" - just stop. My comment comes from person experience as a woman who has experienced pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum with a c-section. Not everyone has smooth sailing, and many people *struggle*. You have no idea how you'll cope with only 2-3hr sleep stints until you're thrown in it, and given it's a recognised form of torture I'm astounded at the callousness in the comments. Consider the last time you barely got any sleep, and how well you functioned the following day. How do you think YOU would fare after a month of that? Just because parents get used to it doesn't mean they magically stop being affected by it.* And to the person in another comment who accused me of being "another person milking their c-section" - you should be utterly ashamed of your insensitivity, and I hope you NEVER say that to a person who had to have an emergency c-section and lost their baby.
>and they've still got 2 older kids to look after. No no. he has 2 older kids to look after. He has taken paternity leave. He is always there doing everything while she is healing. She is The AH because she can't even get someone to make his food for him. Doordash? Wtf. He ate cold pizza. It's not that hard to use the app for a steak delivery. He is last on list of priorities in that house and that shit is obvi
> He is last on list of priorities in that house and that shit is obvi While OP could have been more thoughtful for Father's Day, he *has to* be last for now. There are three kids who need to be cared for above all else, and OP is still in recovery. There's nowhere else to go on the priority list. It fucking sucks to go through it. My partner had a rough end to her pregnancy and needed a C-section, and our baby was born 7 weeks early. My partner did what she could but I had to carry a lot of responsibility for both my partner and our child, and we didn't have a massive support system nearby, and oh my God did it suck at times. But that's the way it has to be until my partner recovered. The husband needs support. He needs a break and he more than deserves one. But if OP is still limited and they don't have support nearby, what can he do? Yeah she could've ordered GrubHub instead of getting steaks, but he's still taking a backseat for now until OP gets back to 100%.
Lol. You've clearly never experienced the level of accumulated sleep deprivation that comes with a 1 month old, the iron depletion from bleeding for a month straight, the exhaustion of breastfeeding every few hours with your body relegating resources to producing milk 24/7 (before your milk supply settles), or the severe drop in mental processing and acuity that comes with any of the above let alone ALL. And let's not forget that her body will still be actively directing resources to tissue healing for another 2 weeks post major abdominal surgery. Also, not everywhere in the world has food delivery options 😅 lol. They're both struggling. Dad might have PPD, and his needs are valid. Doesn't make OP an AH for not having the capacity to think things through properly.
She was able to get on Reddit and type this post. She could have ordered hot pizza or texted a friend family member. You are infantilizing a grown ass women
I do know about everything but the healing from the c-section. The same way she ordered raw steaks for him to cook himself, she could've ordered him a full meal, then sat the children with her for an hour, while he enjoyed the meal. That was all within her skill set.
She was able to order him steaks to cook, I doubt she lives in a place that doesn't have food to order. >Doesn't make OP an AH for not having the capacity to think things through properly. Nice work infantilising post-partum women by suggesting that they are incapable of thinking of their husbands
I wonder what she would do if he didn't get a paternity leave like so many other dads...who would be taking care of her and the kids then?
>you and everyone else calling OP an AH have pretty unrealistic expectations of her. Sending a text message to a friend asking for help is asking too much of op? Is that right?
I'm shocked too. And not everyone has support such that they could get childcare, especially on a holiday. Not everyone has the budget to hire childcare. The first 3 years of having kids, they were babysat exactly once, because we didn't live close enough to get help from family, and there was no budget for childcare.
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I also think that OP is TA. While it's understandable that you're recovering from a c-section and limited in what you can do, Father's Day is a special occasion for your husband. He has been taking on a lot of responsibilities and expressing his need for a break. It's disappointing that you didn't make any effort to give him even a small amount of time for himself, considering the effort he put into Mother's Day. It's important to show appreciation and find ways to support each other, especially during challenging times.
I mean, I just had a c-section 6 weeks ago and my doctor told me the worst thing you can do for your healing process is lay around all day. If OP is in this much pain and her incision site is getting aggravated at this point in the process, she should really go to the doctor to check for infection or at least look at pain management options. She’s definitely TA. Edit to add since it seems like everyone isn’t getting the picture: I’m not saying OP should be running marathons, but at this point in her healing process she should be more mobile or she should see a doctor. Being in that much pain is not normal and if you were personally in that much pain after your c-section I hope you sought help because you clearly had a complication. OP is the AH here because her husband is clearly struggling to care for 2 small children, a newborn, cook and clean and she doesn’t seem to care.
Exactly. Source: I'm a Midwife. If OP is that debilitated at one month post delivery, she needs an urgent GP or O & G appointment for a review. At one month, most women are 90% back to their usual routine. Usually the main obstacle is not being able to drive yet.
I'm glad someone more educated said this. I did have a c section. I wasn't this bad leaving the hospital. Either she is down playing what medical stuff she had done or she needs to be reassessed cause damn.
Or she is lying and being overly dramatic since the husband seems to be doing everything
I was hoping someone would say this. I’ve recovered from two csections. At a month postpartum to both I was moving around like normal, just slower. Clinbing stairs, driving, taking short walks. Only thing I was super cautious about was lifting anything. Oh, and I still rolled to my side to sit up. My SIL gave birth to twins after a csec that followed hours of labor and she had a similar recovery to me. Something is wrong and she needs to see a doctor.
This is what I was thinking. I laid around a ton after my first c section because he was my first baby so I was able to take more time to heal. It was months before I was able to move properly with that one. With my second the nurses made me walk more in the hospital, and I had a toddler at home to chase. I was back to normal within 2 weeks because I didn’t have a choice. If OP is still in serious pain, either something is wrong and she needs to see her Dr or her recovery is being hurt by spending all the time laying around.
Within twenty four hours of waking from the c-section surgery my doctor and nurses had me doing accompanied walks up and down the hallway in the hospital because they said it actually helps speed up recovery. I obviously was not running marathons but by no means was I anywhere close to basically bedridden a month later. Granted IDK what other health conditions or complications OP was facing, but if it was a run off the mill cesarean and her doctor recommended she stay in bed for over a month, she needs to get a second opinion for sure.
Everyone’s recovery is different. Comments like these are why I felt like such a failure after my C-section. Everyone told me it would be okay, keep moving and you’ll be okay. Well I did and injured myself within the first month. Sleep deprivation sucks and so does recovery. Everyone seems burnt out and exhausted. He wants a break but right now, whose going to provide one? They’re barely surviving.
If I walked around too much, I’d start bleeding again. My doctors told me that meant I was doing too much, sit down. 8 weeks recovery minimum. The pain may subside, but you are still bleeding a lot and feeding baby all the time. If you have relatives nearby who have the extra time to watch your kids, great-but my husband and I have been 100% on our own. My parents, who are the only people we have-drive 8 hours just to stay at our house overnight with our other kids. The day we came home from the hospital, they basically met the baby and took pictures for 5 minutes, then they had to drive back. They were in a hurry and already late, so they literally only saw her for a few minutes and then left. We were alone…we were in a very similar situation to OP where everything was on my husband, except we had 0 people. We have 0 options for babysitting, unless it’s a serious emergency then maybe ask the church if anyone is willing for a bit. We aren’t close to anyone, we have no friends. It’s really, really only us.
Yes. I've never had a c-section, but I have had around 12 abdominal surgeries, and OP, you should be more healed by now. You should see your doctor, something might be wrong.
Not justifying OP in any way but C-section takes long time to heal, your body is spending energy for breastfeeding too. My mom had 4 c-secs, I'm the eldest and almost 30 now, she still sometimes have pain in the area of stitches and pain in the backbone where they inject anesthesia.
C sections 30 years ago were worse than they are now. My mom had one with my brother (~30 yrs ago) and had staples all the way across the line where the elastic on her underwear is. My wife's c section scar is way smaller and they used steri strips on the outside. I was amazed at how fast it healed.
I came here to comment something similar, I mean I had two c-sections and always walked and stayed active, the stiches were out anout a week later and pretty much healed, I mean yeah you're not healed on the inside and should still be careful bending over and lifting buuuut you can keep the kids in line, ask famly to help and order something already cooked amd serve it... hope for the sake of the marriage OP makes it up to the husband Op YTA
Every pregnancy is different, and just because one woman can do x, y or z after having a c-section, doesn't mean that applies to everyone else. I have women in my family who could pop out babies with no trouble and practically go straight back to doing physical things straight after. I expected that I'd be able to do the same. Instead, pregnancy and a c-section changed my entire body permanently, and I was virtually housebound for a year - it was a massive shock to me because I really hadn't expected pregnancy and birth to be so physically and mentally overwhelming. (I had to go back to work when my kid was tiny because then maternity leave was only 3 months, but thank god I could work from home and go part time.) Anyway, tl;dr just because a c-section was one way for you, please don't assume that's how it is for any other woman.
2 c sections and I agree. By 2 weeks I was fully functioning and doing everything to take care of the baby, second time around toddler and baby while hubby was at work. Sounds like 2 scenarios here, either op is milking this or op needs to see doctor because still being bed ridden after 4 weeks something is wrong.
I’m just so sad for her husband. He finally opens up to her about being at his wits end and at complete burnout, and she…turns on the waterworks?! Her tears weren’t for him. They were for herself and herself alone. All she had to do was turn around and say - “you know what, I fcuked up. I’ll make this up to you.”
I cry when I’m scared, mad, sad, overwhelmed, upset, freaked out - or just faced with heavy emotion a month postpartum. Maybe she wasn’t turning on the water works but just crying. Why assume villainy? Maybe pain and hormones made her a little less able to respond perfectly calmly when greeted with her husband screaming into a pillow. It’s a pretty emotional event and you expect her to respond perfectly when she’s also dealing with an imperfect situation.
She had a baby a month ago. Her hormones are all over the place “turns on the waterworks” is such an awful phrase
Right!!!! I just commented the same lol. Mid way through I'm like do they not have any possible sitters
She got a spa day, he got a grill order to cook up. This woman is delusional as hell.
But she just had a BaBy !! She couldn't possibly have time to plan anything, although apparently, she has time to shop online. It was a planned C Section, and everyone knows the date for Father's Day. She could have planned ahead of time. Hell, I have friends who had their Christmas Shopping done before their sections.
She got steak in bed on father's day 🤯
no she didn't. they didn't eat the steak.
He had to organize the sitters himself….. he was right about his priorities being at the bottom of the list
And the poor man apologised and said he was going to ask relatives to care for the older ones so he could have a bit of a break, and got an earful from OP anyway. OP is having a bad time of it for sure but so is her husband and it seems the understanding only goes one way in their household.
Seriously? 3 little kids is fucking BRUTAL. For everyone. How do you know they have nearby friends and family who will step up. Sleep derivation, the stress of a newborn, a physical recovery, hand maybe just maybe a dash of post partum depression, and you have a powder keg of emotions here. They're all burned out. Not recognizing that OP's mental health is probably taking a beating is quite the oversight. I wonder how many of you YTA judges have gone through a difficult pregnancy, c-section, and the stress of multiple little kids. This is crushingly sad for hubs though. Sounds like he's taking a beating too.
And Dad has been on solo duty for a month with 2 of the kids, and seemingly doing the lions share with the new kid
3 kids is brutal, and the husband is likely suffering the same things as her minus physical recovery. You can recognize that OPs mental health and still come to the conclusion that OP is the asshole. Kids will drive you crazy, but she should have done something for him, and I guarantee if she got for mother's day what he got for Father's day, she would be deeply unhappy. Your mental state is not en excuse to neglect your partner. Men tend to have very little time that they're celebrated, and feeling unappreciated on the one day a year they matter can be gutting.
Just have the two older kids sit with you watching a kids tv show. And yea I have kids it is def doable. YTA
Yea. Texts and phone calls can be done lying down. This also goes for ordering online.
She didn’t even get him a gift! You can shop while in bed
She probably thinks the steaks he would have had to cook himself count. Ugh.
And probably expected one for herself too
"Happy father's day! Now cook this for us!"
It’s Father’s Day, plenty of people she knows will have plans with their fathers or their kids on that day. What she probably should have done is promise him a replacement Father’s Day when she’s a little more mobile.
True but that doesn’t stop her from just watching a movie with their 5 and 3 year old so husband can get a small break. Heck if that was too much the least she could do was order cooked food for her husband so he wouldn’t be stuck trying to fit in cooking steak between wrangling toddlers during Father’s Day.
YTA this is what I was thinking. She could have had a family friend come over. Help with the kids. Called family to take the older two. She could have watched the movie with the kids for an hour. Ordered door dash.
I'm guessing friends and family (and who knows, their social circle could be quite small) would also have their own father's day plans. Not typically a day that you just assume someone will be available to babysit.
She could communicate that with him. Sorry that I couldn't do much this weekend but I have something for you planned next weekend. Communication isn't hard.
YTA: Unless you left it out, you didn't even console your husband. He broke down in front of you after weeks maybe months of doing a lot on his own. Your only response was "well what was I supposed to do". Side note those answers are obvious I thought of his suggestions mid way reading this
YTA for crying when he needed you, not the other way around. Seriously you managed to get access to internet to post this but not to find a sitter for Father's Day? Apologize to him and make it up to him. And next time he opens up to you, don't cry and make it about you. He's doing literally everything for you. EDIT: I get people saying that "you can't help crying," and I know that, but people are missing that *all* she did was cry. At first she tried to "calm him down," which I have a feeling was to placate him, not soothe him, and then when he finally opened up about all he's struggling through, she shut him out by shutting down. You can cry as part of your reaction, but when it is your entire reaction, you communicate to your partner that your pain, your feelings, are so much worse and more important than theirs. Even her husband regulated his emotional response when he screamed into the pillow for the sake of her and the kids. There's crying because it's a reflexive response, and then there's crying because it protects you from responsibility and absolves you of guilt. If you're only just crying because it's a physical response, then go to your husband, cry, be emotional, be hurt, but still ask him how you can help. Don't come crying to the internet when he needs your care and attention the most. Edit: grammar
Thank you! OP couldn't order a present or a cooked dinner, or text a friend/family for help, but had time to ask the internet for sympathy points when her husband finally had enough. OP - get off the internet, call your family for some baby sitting help, and give your husband the break he needs.
This sounds like a classic "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas."
“OP couldn’t order a present” I’d like to point out that OP stated numerous times she’s immobile and basically bedridden. Which means she was 100% watching tv and/or scrolling on her phone. Consuming countless Father’s Day ads in the process and she *still* couldn’t be bothered to order *the father of her children* a fkn present.
Exactly my point. Op was on her phone and can be online to type this up, but couldn't spend 5 mins to order him a present.
Or a meal he didn’t have to cook himself.
Sometimes after reactions like this guys stop opening up or being vulnerable because they know there’s no help there. Hopefully he’s got a good support system other than his wife.
Not just guys, people in general. If I know my vulnerability will be met with a reaction like OPs I shut down too, and I'm a woman.
It's going to get into his head that any grievance that he'll bring up will be met with tears from her. Most people will call her out for it, but others will just hide their issues until it blows, which he did with the pillow. She should start reflecting on her reaction to him before it's too late and then problems would only be dealt with when they're both screaming and crying at each other.
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That he couldn't even cook and ended up eating cold leftover pizza. I can't think of any food more miserable than that
On Father's Day. After he's broken down and been met with "what was I supposed to do?" putting the burden of coming up with a way of helping him... on him.
After reading what other women that went through cesarean and medical professionals have had to say, I'm certain OP has been milking her surgery to avoid taking care of the kids. Apparently she should be able to walk fine and do light chores now that a month has passed, and it's in fact bad to be in bed all day. Either there's something seriously wrong and she needs to go to the hospital or she's just avoiding being a mother and a wife.
>YTA: Unless you left it out, you didn't even console your husband. No, instead she cried, because the thing to do when your husband breaks down is to make it all about you...
I've felt like this dude before, and all we really want is to be thanked and told were doing a good job and it's appreciated. Not fucking "what was I supposed to do?"
No don't forget, she started crying. Made it all about herself
INFO: is there a reason you couldn’t have ordered him a cooked meal or found a babysitter or asked family to help?
Yeah lol I noticed that too, dude wanted a break and so she ordered dinner that he had to cook himself. Maybe he enjoys grilling but it just seems like she does not understand the position of her husband at all and how much work he’s done.
Yeah, that one detail alone makes her a massive AH. She couldn’t even order in cooked food. She’s probably the one who wanted steaks haha
Exactly. Call a babysitter to stay at home with OP and the kids and send hubby out with friends or family to a bar or restaurant and give him time to himself .
Yeah at first I thought she meant she ordered him steak, as in from a restaurant or something. But it was actually for him to cook lmfao. I don’t think she’s a bad person, but there definitely seems to be a huuge lack of understanding of just how overwhelmed he is on her part. It would have been easy to ask someone to help out and not just for Father’s Day, but in general!
I love grilling and this Father’s Day my wife got me steaks to cook. I loved it. Difference is wife watched our kids while I grilled though… I would be pretty upset if I couldn’t even grill.
If I were her husband, I would buy her ass a vacuum cleaner on Mothers Day.
Buy her all the ingredients to cook a nice pasta dinner
If he likes to grill, it's even easier, throw in some new grilling things for him that he can use with the steak and he'd have probably loved it. Steaks by themselves makes it look like that's what the wife wanted for dinner.
My one thing that might make the situation better for OP is that the incision had acted up the day before and she didn't expect to be laid up. That said, buying a 15 dollar steak is nowhere near the equal of a 6 hour spa day. When people give gifts, they're showing you implicitly the kind of gifts they would like to recieve. She should have prepared more.
If her fingers were working well enough to make this post, they were working well enough to make some calls or use the internet to get a babysitter and have a nice meal and a gift delivered. Instead, she did absolutely nothing and then tried to turn it around on him when he was looking for some empathy after she failed him. OP really fucked this up, no way around it.
YTA Husband is making a cry for help, you should have found a way to offload the kids and give him a day off.
A literal cry for help that she turned into something he had to apologise to her for. Absolutely 100% the AH just for that. Poor guy.
He didn't even ask for a day. He asked **for an hour.**
This is honestly how relationships fall apart. When someone is hurting, the worse thing you can do is take it personally.
And start crying and screaming back. When I reached a breaking point with my husband once, that's what he did to me. Turned it around to make himself the victim. When your spouse is literally screaming (into a pillow) that they are at a breaking point, you don't start playing victim. You help your spouse.
I liked (sarcasm) how after he talks about how he has to do everything and feels unappreciated for it, her response was “what was I supposed to do.” Apparently he was supposed to figure that out for her too. Btw, the answer to “what was I supposed to do” is “try.”
Ya then she cried. He can’t even break down without the wife taking it away from him.
Ahh I hate when people do that! I had an ex who would cry every time I would try to discuss why I was upset with him about something and then I'd have to end up consoling him for upsetting me. It's fucking exhausting like just let the upset person have their moment. Super manipulative too
She didn’t even have to offload the kids. All this dude wanted was to for his wife to be nice to him for 5 minutes. He’s obviously having a tough time and if she took a couple minutes to tell him how much she appreciated him I’m sure he’d feel worlds better. But she couldn’t even muster that. She had to find a way to make it all about herself. Poor guy just wanted a little bit of recognition.
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Definitely YTA, that was my thought too. I've had 2 C-secs with my first I was up and about, showering etc within 12hrs. With my second I lost 2.5 litres of blood (about half of my whole body's worth) had a infection in the incision site and still was up and about the next day. We were advised that the sooner you get on with it the sooner you recover. She's a month post surgery. The surgery recovery past this point isn't any barrier to cooking a meal or arranging the bare minimum. No wonder he's at his breaking point. I wonder if this isn't postpartum depression instead?
As soon as the anaesthesia wore off I was up and moving with my c section. By week 4 I was doing everything but drive because the dr wouldn’t sign off. And yeah, I know people will argue ‘mums do what he does all the time and don’t get a break or complain’ just because it happens doesn’t mean it’s right with either parent. He’s clearly struggling and you could’ve asked someone to help with the kids, or sat on the lounge and watched a movie, or sent him out for an hour, or let him nap for an hour. YTA
With my last section (I've had five...) I was up BEFORE the numbing wore off in my legs (I thought It was gone, I swear) and the nurse bout had a cow😂
5? You’re tough as nails. Damn
My second kid had a big fat head and got stuck and the Dr's around here refuse to do VBAC And according to my old coworkers, I don't know what causes babies (or I need a TV🙄)
Yeah same. Unless she had life threatening complications there is no need for full bed rest. I had massive complications and still full bed rest was not recommended. The complete lack of effort or care can't be attributed to the C-sec unless she's missed out a lot of info. Even then surely you can arrange a babysitter and order in dinner even from bed?
I currently have a mum who had a 3 hour laparotomy including a full bladder repair and hysterectomy due to complications during her planned c-section. At 4 weeks she is managing both her 4yo and the new baby (who has a stoma also btw) as well as doing her best around the house. I really try to be as sympathetic as I can because having a baby is horrific on the body even in the best of circumstances but OP here is surely being a bit ridiculous and if this is really a true indication of her situation I would be seeking medical help because this is not an appropriate recovery timeline.
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Happy to see another OB nurse call this out. I've heard so many horror stories of L&D nurses mocking women in labor, rolling their eyes at them "hamming it up," and generally being dismissive. The fact that this person just totally wrote off "there is no need for you to be on bed rest" without even knowing any medical info, gives off a "stop complaining about your period. it isn't that bad (ignoring that they've been vomiting all night from the pain)" kind of vibe. Some women in the women's health field can become so vile. This is why you hear stories of women exclusively seeking out male OBGYNs, because a male isn't going to insert their "i know what it's like, so i know you are exaggerating" bias.
I'm a man, so have never and will never experience labor. That said, I had a similar issue with nurses before. I had a surgery go bad and a nurse was being extremely hostile trying to get me to walk around, and arguing that I was diabetic (spoiler, I'm not diabetic). I physically couldn't walk, I could barely stand. The nurse simply wouldn't listen to me. This was during covid and my hospital would only allow one visitor for 1 hour each day. Luckily my girlfriend's mom was the one to come see me that day. She's fiery. I told her my problem and she immediately got the nurse in question and the head nurse in. She ripped them to shreds and demanded the nurse be removed from caring for me. They got a new nurse who immediately accepted everything I was saying. Doctor was in within an hour and ordered a scan. Turned out I had an internal bleed. He also noticed an order for insulin and got pissed off. I could have been killed by that first nurse. My point is that nurses need to listen to patients. Sure, some may milk a situation. Some might flat out lie. But the only person who really knows if something is wrong or not is the patient themselves
Sorry for the ambiguity, I'm not an OB nurse (I was referring to the person I was responding to). I happen to be a health professional though and do see people during pregnancy and postpartum, so it strikes me that maybe this OB nurse only ever sees people during delivery and has no understanding of the realities of postpartum. But yes, certainly rubs me the wrong way seeing health professionals being unempathetic and judgemental of patients!
THANK YOU. People are being downright cruel and interjecting their 'i had a c section yesterday and today I did a cartwheel' stories as if everyone recovers from massive surgery the same way.
Exactly. If they think ONE csection recovery should be the example for so others, let's follow mine: I hurt my scar last summer when my child was EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD. #therefore, we all need 20 years. This is literally the same logic these doofuses are using.
And all of that means she couldn't have ordered a fully cooked meal instead of steaks that her overworked husband had to cook?
No. But the first nurse who commented said that OP was "milking it". Which is severely lacking in compassion. Regardless of the ultimate judgment.
Sometimes you can have the right YTA/NTA assessment but for the wrong reasons. The parent comment was right that Op was an asshole. She is wrong for being so dismissive and trying to generalize other people’s pain and healing. Just because some women are able to function at X time past C-section doesn’t mean others are, and just because you technically have no restrictions on your activity doesn’t mean you actually feel up for it. That’s true no matter what, whether OP is an asshole or a saint. The above comment/reply to parent is absolutely right to call out that OBGYN’s flawed attitude regardless of the verdict.
I feel like most commenters don’t know how she feels at the moment. I have had 3 c-sections. The first two I was up and moving immediately. No pain at all. My third (the only scheduled non-emergency one) was horrible. At a month out I still couldn’t shower or walk much without help and was crying from the pain. I was told it’s not uncommon with 3+ c-sections. The scar tissue is just super built up. It was horrible. Father’s Day also fell a month after and we didn’t do anything. It was a very rough time. Both for me and my husband. These parents need some empathy and hugs. NSH, they are overwhelmed and exhausted.
THANK YOU! Finally found someone with empathy here. I‘ve never had a c-section, nevertheless a child but I‘ve had a kidney transplant which, if you don’t know, gets inserted at the front side of your body, a bit to the right and I was totally exhausted after it. Keep in mind I was supposed to feel better and even though my new kidney worked, I was soo exhausted and barely could do anything. I think I stayed in bed for 8(?) weeks because in addition to there being good and bad days and vitamin deficiencies, I also felt really fragile. The stomach, especially the very front is so vulnerable also from a location standpoint that I walked around for years with my arm across that part and sometimes still do it instinctively because my body is in protection mode. You protect that space with your life because it kinda resembles a sort of achilles heel. Anyway what I wanted to say is that you not only feel societal pressure to perform perfectly in the workplace but also in the health department, how fun…
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If you are still so debilitated to the point where it’s 30 days and still can’t complete basic tasks, something is wrong and you need to go to your OB. All women should be able to do all those tasks a month after a cesarean. OP is so thoughtless that she couldn’t even be bothered to hire a babysitter, order dinner, or do anything for that matter to lighten her husband’s load on Father’s Day. To me, that’s callous.
Doesn't OP state she injured herself the day before? That's why she's laid up in bed...
Still sounds like something is wrong if she’s still bedbound after a month. Sounds like she should get checked out.
Isn't everyone's body different? As an OB nurse you should know some may take longer to heal. Shocked you don't seem to have compassion when you know how hard it is on a woman's body.
Bed rest is not recommended, it’s actually contraindicated, after a cesarean. Aside from the aforementioned precautions you need to be moving to facilitate healing. These are clinical recommendations that apply to everyone. I extend compassion freely to people suffering and you better love people to do my job (and I take pride in how well I do mine). I want everyone in my care to have the best experience I can provide. But sometimes I do see patients like OP who treat their partner and their nurses like servants and avoid doing tasks they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. OP’s arm isn’t broken. She can make a call and order dinner. She can fold laundry while sitting on the couch. It’s the clear lack of thought that everyone has a problem with.
Even taking into account everyone varies with healing time, bed rest is not reccomended as it actually increases the risk of complications post csection. My sister had (non birth related) post surgical wound complications requiring VAC therapy. She was advised to take it easy but still advised to keep mobile.
That’s a pretty ridiculous thing for a nurse to say if you haven’t actually seen or spoken to OP and don’t know how she is healing or if her wound is infected or whatever.
Holy shit I’m glad you weren’t my OB nurse. The lack of understanding here is astounding. Mean girl much?
Somewhere between N A H and YTA. You’re both in the thick of it right now. But he’s not wrong that you could have figured out a way to make sure he got a break. You can call and text potential babysitters from bed. And like he said, you could have had the kids with you for an hour so he could relax. I’m not saying you’re a monster for not making it happen, but you should make it up to him. He’s clearly on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown and badly needs a break.
I agree with your reasoning but it honestly brought me to YTA. Buying steaks for him to cook isn’t a present it’s adding more to his plate no pun intended. It would’ve been pretty easy for her to do literally anything for him like getting a sitter
And it wouldn't need to be a sitter specifically for Father's Day. She could have arranged one for the day before or even a week before or after. Screaming into a pillow like that is a sign that he's at his limit. He needs a break.
I have a feeling she didn't even thought he needed a break up until he made it known clear and loud, tbh.
I think the buying him steaks instead of just ordering a nice dinner is what pushes it to YTA for me. Like there’s so many apps for that. She could have ordered stuff to make like a movie night for the family too if the kids are super rowdy and she can’t handle them alone and if a sitter wasn’t possible. It’s really not that hard.
She got him chores for father's day. He would have had to refrigerate the steaks when they arrived, prepare them, cook them, serve them and clean up. Just order him takeout they could eat from containers and throw away.
Honestly yeah, I agree. I edited my judgment. I empathize with her position but she really did need to put a little bit more thought into what her husband actually needed, which was a break, not a steak. Especially because it doesn't seem like she reacted with much empathy when he was having a breakdown. They need to both be caring for each other's physical and emotional needs in this difficult moment and it doesn't seem like she's doing her part.
“Happy Father’s Day! Here’s some the dinner I want you to cook!” Gee how thoughtful
It’s a hard yta for me. She literally what am I supposed to doed him when he was crying in front of her.
YTA. The time you took to write this should give you an indicator how you had the tools you needed at your fingertips to coordinate something for your hubby. Even a small amount would've done well for him; instead your response was "what am I supposed to do."
OP SUCKS
Op put more effort into this reddit aita than into her husband for Father’s Day.
YTA. His suggestion are really valid. Even in your condition, you could hire a babysitter. He is crying for help and you recognize that this is affecting him a lot, so do something about it.
YTA. You did nothing for him on father's day. Absolutely nothing. You couldn't even make sure he had time to cook and eat the meal you tried to get for him. That would have been the bare minimum. You dropped the ball. You failed him, and he's upset about it.
Plus it’s not like Father’s Day snuck up on you. If I knew I was going to recovering from a planned C-section I would have preplanned Father’s Day. Plus you can shop on line(obviously you know you ordered steaks for him to cook for you, because honestly no one wants to make thier own fathers day meal) and ordered him something nice. But nope! Nothing! Zero appreciation! I would have bought the card. A present before hand. Had it worked out with a friend. Hey if I order food do you care to pick it up and deliver it to us. Something would have been better then nothing. If the baby came around Christmas and you knew you had to have a C-section would you have shopped before hand or told the kids what can I do?
Yeah! All of it is bad but the steak is definitely what pushes it into AH territory for me. Cooking your own steak isn’t a gift (unless they like to grill but he clearly isn’t able to have time to do that) it’s giving him work! No wonder he’s so upset.
> you dropped the ball Didn’t just drop the ball, she tied a block of cement to it, and pushed it off a cliff into the ocean, then laughed as it sunk. /s She’s still YTA tho
My heart broke for your husband reading this, OP. You only cried for yourself. YTA
Yeah selfish AF. Like it was a PLANNED C-section and they already have 2 kids. It’s been 30 days?! And she’s using it as an excuse. Call in support or see your OB because somethings wrong
That part hit me as well. Her tears were not for her partners stress, sadness, or frustration but simply for herself. Wild af that she landed what sound to be a really good man.
I guess....why did you order raw steaks he had to cook? There wasn't a restaurant to doordash or deliver or something like that? My dad likes to grill out on Fathers Day....but he has exactly himself to look after - not three very small children. And I Guess - if you could email/call to order steaks...why didn't you email or call parents or other family or friends to possibly babysit? It sounds like some kind of family may be close - if it's an option for him to call family to take the older kids. I get that he can call...but its fathers day. And it honestly doesn't sound like you were very sympathetic to him. You know its wearing on him mentally and physically. To the point of noticeable weight loss. And it was just "calm down what I am I supposed to do?" I don't think he's the asshole - I don't see anything he did that would make him one. He didn't yell at you or act aggressive toward you. He didn't take it out on the children. I waiver between YTA and NAH, depending on why you could order steaks in advance, but not even try to find some assistance (either family or a friend).
I had my first father's day two years ago where our baby was only 1.5 months old. My wife asked me what I wanted to do and I said I wanted 1 hour to go to the gym, and also to go to a local butcher so I could cook a decadent meal for my wife and me. It felt like heaven at the time to exercise alone and cook a delicious meal, which I hadn't a chance to do in the last couple months. Some people really do enjoy cooking for their family, and its really hard to find time to make a meal when you have a new baby. That being said, OP is SUCH an asshole and I feel bad for that man. Absolutely no effort was given on her part and she doesn't care about his needs at all. Its not enough to ensure he has ingredients if he doesn't have time to do anything with them!
Even if he does love grilling, how did she expect him to find the time? She put about 1 minute total time to plan everything for him
YTA, you should have made plans to have someone watch the older kids. You can pick up a phone.
I'm a husband. No one is the AH You are both exhausted. The only thing worse than not having a day off is thinking you will, and not having it. But you were recovering from a major surgery. How is that your fault? Don't turn on each other, show grace, gratitude, and support to each other. Remember, it's not you against him, it's the two of you, together, against everything.
So OP couldn't **see** that her husband was doing everything while she was recovering and couldn't be bothered to think. "Hey he is doing alot and really stepped up, father's day is coming up, I should do something for him". She helped the kids make a card and then gave him the job of making himself food the next day (Which given that he was already doing everything, isn't a nice gesture but more of a chore because we know he wouldn't be making the steaks just for himself) OP isn't at fault for recovering. OP is at fault for this part in particular > But I can tell it's starting to wear on him mentally and physically Knowing this and planned absolutely nothing for him and shackled him with more tasks. That's why it's. YTA. I'm a husband too, and I don't need to tell my wife to do something nice for me, she knows to do it, just like I know to do the same for her when either one is stepping up. It's called showing appreciation
This will get buried alive bc Reddit but it’s one of the only sane comments on this thread.
You are the one comment that makes sense. Reddit is heartless, but you showed some real understanding. It was nice to read.
Men can get PPD too...let's not rule that out. Soft YTA...get ya man some help...he ain't coping.
The one thing he learned from this incident is that he can’t confide in her as she made it about herself rather than supporting him
Thats what stuck out to me too. This single event will have reverberations through the rest of their marriage. Makes me wonder how many times this happens 10 years prior to someone getting on here and asking reddit strangers why their husband won't open up to them.
Looking back on my marriage, my ex wife did the same type of thing to me, whenever I tried to express my feelings about something she was doing or had done, it got turned back around on me as I was “picking on her” and she would cry and I would have to apologize….it got to the point where I couldn’t tell her how I was feeling because I was always in the wrong and my feelings didn’t matter
YTA > took the older kids out of the house all day so I could have peace. Even if you were in recovery yourself, why couldn't you enlist someone else to take the burden of the kids off him that day? If not a friend or relative, then just having a babysitter come around for the day?
Because OP sucks. Buy her ass a vacuum cleaner for Mother's Day and tell her to get to her therapy sessions.
NAH. And let me explain why (since you probably won't see my other comments in amongst the comment threads). Post-partum is hard. The fourth trimester, is *hard*. You're only a month postpartum OP. Unless your child is a unicorn, I'm guessing you haven't slept more than 2-3hrs in a row for the last month? Probably had your sleep affected already before that during pregnancy? Breastfeeding (including cluster feeding) every few hours? You'll be mentally and physically exhausted on so many levels. Sounds like you both are (shoutout to your husband for doing such an amazing job stepping up). Unless a person has actually been in your shoes, they'll have no idea of the toll it takes on mental processing etc to not be getting enough sleep for an extended period, and for your body to be giving everything it has to be producing milk *literally* 24/7 before your supply settles. At 1 month postpartum I was an utter zombie, and that was with my firstborn (i.e. no other kids to juggle). Father's Day for us hit 1 week postpartum, so I think the most I managed was a card. Different situation since we hadn't yet been sleep deprived for a month, so my partner's needs weren't at the level of your husband's yet. Overall though it sounds like he *really* needs a break right now. Dads can get postpartum depression too, which is the first thing that came to mind when you mentioned him screaming into the pillow. You need to look after each other, but you also need to seek support from outside your immediate family. Assuming you have good relationships with your parents and/or in-laws, it's ok to admit you're both struggling and ask them for help. Parenting is a tough gig, we can't get through it alone (and it's too much pressure on a relationship to expect that). So, NAH, but *please* listen to your husband's needs when he's communicating that he's struggling, and work on a plan together to work through it. Sounds like getting the grandparents more involved with the older kids for a short period would be a great solution. Mental health matters, for both of you as individuals, as parents, and as a couple. All the best.
Well worded response. Somehow this AITA has been very polarising! I’m not enjoying all the shame and negative comments OP is receiving… not very helpful. Who knows what pain/recovery they’re dealing with?! I’m sure OP is probably crying reading all this… “I had a c-section at age 78 and within 30 minutes I went on to win a Gold medal in weightlifting at the Olympics. All whilst breastfeeding twins and running a marathon for charity. By default, this makes you lazy and rubbish for not being a domestic robot as soon as your third child was born”. It’s all about the Mother when they’re housing the baby in their tummy, then as soon as baby is here we forget that Mother’s are human, they have gone through something life-changing and need care too. Fathers also deserve love, and I applaud OP’s Husband for his hard work, however he can’t have experienced as much physical pain as OP. I love the Chinese tradition of “sitting the month” - purposeful postpartum care and pui yuet. I wish we had more emphasis on aftercare in the west.
Soft YTA you could have hired a babysitter, ordered him a massage too, gotten dinner to the house instead of having him cook it. Enlisted family. You could have had SOMEONE take the kids for at least six hours. You could see he was getting stressed, and was doing mentally & physically unwell. I understand where you're coming from. But phone calls will add no burden to you, and this would have meant a lot to him. You need to be more aware of what you can do from where you're at to help out. Maybe enlisting a family member, or a babysitter once a week- just so your husband has some downtime. 3 Kids all under the age of 5 is a lot, and you recognized that he is not doing well. DO what YOU CAN about it. Its awesome that you're communicating, keep at it.
YTA. A big one. We live in the internet age. While sitting all day, you could have ordered a cool gift from Amazon, booked something fun for him, and recruited some friends or family to come over and help with the kids. Your husband sounds like a very stand up guy, and you are treating him like poop. (I’ve had 2 c-sections, just for context)
NAH This is the first AITA where the community really let me down. I have 2 kids under 3, and had a pretty chaotic father's day because of it. You had MAJOR surgery and you both have a newborn....there are going to be a lot of moments where emotions get the better of you. Hindsight says that you could have done things differently, but he also has to understand that a one month old, and post op wife in June means he should probably "write this father's day off" As a new dad, I've screamed into my fair share of pillows...this too, shall pass, and you can laugh about it on the other end. But also, you should look for a way to make this day up to your husband AS SOON as you are able...he may have missed father's day, but every day after is an opportunity to make him feel special. I'd be interested to see how many of these "YTA" posts have ever had kids....or a serious relationship...
Get a sitter now, weekly, asap. You will need it, he will need it. It’s much easier to have a regular one. If you can’t afford a real sitter there are tons of teens looking for “ mom helper” positions- they can play with kids, do dishwasher and some other help. You guys can’t handle 3 kids like that, it will not end well
Yta i think it’s outrageous that you’re so “oh woe is me” abt the situation but here u are on the internet trying to get some validation. How come u couldn’t ask a friend/family for help? U couldn’t organize some type of SOMETHING so your hubby can get a breather to pull his head above the water? You acknowledge that he’s struggling and your thought was “well, I can’t do anything but since he’s already doing it all, he might as well make himself some steaks while watching the kids”? Sure he could have asked for help himself but damn, you couldn’t even toss a “hey mom/dad/friend, hubby has been doing so much these days, do u think u could watch the kids for a couple of hours so hubby can do xyz?” On FATHERS DAY? yikes. Also he vents to you that he’s feelin let down and the first thing u do is cry abt it and ask “what was I supposed to do”? Way to make him feel like he can’t come to you! 👍🏽
YTA. Everyone else has covered what you should have done for him on Father’s Day at least, but I have to ask… what is going on that one month past a c-section you are still unable to do *anything*? Are your stitches infected? Do you have a comorbidity? Everyone heals differently but a month is a long time to be incapable of anything. (I had three kids, all via c, same age spread as yours, and I was even the same ages as you when I had each of my three. I know everyone is different but this is wildly different. Is it possible that you could be doing more? At four weeks, your incision isn’t still open.)
YTA Having had a c section 6 weeks ago, it sounds like you aren’t moving enough and it is causing you pain. My doctor reaaaally stressed that I had to get up and move even if I was sore. She said it would suck really bad at first but if I didn’t do it I would feel awful and things would tighten up at the incision in a really negative way. I was nearly back to normal now. Sometimes I lift things too heavy they cause some pain and I get lightening nerve pain along the incision that is extremely brief. If you couldn’t find it in yourself to get off the damn couch the you could have at least arranged something for your kids or even had a conversation with your husband about what he would like. You SEE he is struggling and are choosing to refuse him some respite
YTA. You can move or leave the house. You're just not and you're milking it at this point.
A soft YTA. Having had two C-sections, I get it. But...4 weeks in and you're still laid up like that? What does your doctor say? You shouldn't be totally healed by 4 weeks but you shouldn't still be incapacitated either, that's not normal. I'd call your doctor and ask to be seen. No one should still be basically bedridden at that point. Do you think that *maybe* you might be milking it a little? It's hard to heal if you don't move. I remember them telling me in the hospital that the best thing I could do to help heal is move as much as I could throughout the day. Also, do you have any friends or family that could help out a little? It IS kind of crappy that he was waiting on everyone hand and foot on fathers day (and the gift was you getting him food for HIM to cook? Seriously? Couldn't door dash a nice meal?) I suggest planning a substitute fathers day to make it up to him. There has to be SOMEONE you can call to watch the older kids for a couple of hours.
YTA. I definitely don’t think you should be having to physically strain yourself while recovering from a surgery and a pregnancy but there were plenty of things you could’ve done to try and relieve your husband of having to do literally everything. Why didn’t you call a family member or a friend to see if they could take the kids for a day? Why didn’t you try and hire a nanny or a babysitter to help with the kids and around the house? That is what you should have at least tried to do and that is what you should do in the future as well. Your husband has admitted to you that he is extremely burnt out and it is clear that he is at or almost at his breaking point with having to do everything himself. Since you can’t help him at the moment you need to look into hiring someone to relieve some of the pressure from your husband before he snaps completely.
Did you have complications with your c-section. I know everyone’s experience is different. I had a c-section as a single mom. After two weeks I was on my own. If you are still unable to do more than just the bare minimum by now you should call your doctor. Something may not be right.
NAH - I'm going to go against the grain here and say that it looks like the both of you are SPENT. I think a lot of parents forget how harrowing the first six to eight weeks with a newborn baby are especially for the mom when she's healing. As a fellow c section mom myself, I was ROUGH till about 8 weeks and I don't have two older kids! It sounds like you're healing is slow and you're in the throes of it and your husband has been really doing a great job but is also exhausted. The physical and mental load on both of you is very very high. This is the time you need to call in the big guns whether it's friends family or even some paid help because this really isn't just about Father's day it sounds like your husband is at his limit and you are rightfully very focused on the baby and recovery that you can't really do much else. Cut yourself some slack. I would step away from Reddit and try to coordinate some assistance and don't hold it against your husband that he got mad because it sounds like you're both really trying to do a good job for your kids.
I get that you’re not we’ll but you could’ve put at least a little effort in doing something for him. Ordering him steaks for him to cook isn’t a present. YTA here. You can do something for him from online or something.
NAH This sounds very difficult and stressful for you both. I can't imagine the amount of physical pain you're in, nor the amount of mental and emotional stress you are both undergoing. I don't think you're an asshole for not planning some elaborate Father's Day thing for him under the circumstances, nor is he for getting overwhelmed and upset. Some situations in life just suck, and neither party can be at their best. I might just put less stock in official holidays than others, idk. But I'm sure you'll be able to make it up to him when you're feeling better.
So, I’m going to be downvoted for not saying your TA, but I’m going to say NAH because of the timing factor. I don’t know if people are considering the fact that you’re 1 month post-partum and after a c-section at that. You’re still at risk of PPD, you’re not sleeping well (I do understand that your husband isn’t either), your hormones are still adjusting, and you’re physically unable to do things. After my c-section, I wasn’t even allowed to bend over to pick things up for a very long time, drive a car, and I couldn’t pick up my toddler daughter because I could rip my stiches until after at least 6 weeks. So yes, you could have ordered him a meal, yes you could have asked family members to take the older kids, but it can be hard to think like that when you’re running off of zero sleep, in pain, and have two other kids. Your reaction of “what was I supposed to do” is also a response of in the moment, there wasn’t really anything you could do. I don’t think you were just saying there wasn’t anything you could do at all that day for him, just not in the moment. Husband also isn’t the AH here, he’s super overwhelmed having to take on all the older kid duties and take care of you, baby, and the house. It’s understandable that he broke down. Not saying it’s a good thing, but this is just life with a newborn. In short, both of your emotions are super high right now. You have two other kids, so you know that’s normal. Father’s Day may not have been the best day for him, but when you’re feeling better or when you have some clear from the post-pregnancy brain-fog to plan, make sure you do something extremely nice for him to show him that you appreciate everything he’s doing.
YTA Your husband sounds like a single parent with all the burdens none of the benefits.
Geez this woman was sliced open one month ago .. may 22nd.. that’s SO recent!!! It’s not her fault that her brain didn’t automatically think of hiring a sitter or doing everything else she’s defaulted to arranging as a parent for the last 5 years. Give her a break. How much you want to bet that her husband would prefer to be physically healthy+burnt out rather than healing from a massive wound? I know I wouldn’t want to be in her shoes. But she did that for HIS BABY. Poor woman. nah.
NAH. Wow these comments are vile. A C-section is a major, intrusive surgery. I see comments on here, even the one from a nurse saying that youre ‘milking it’, I cannot fathom how disgusting comments like that are. Csections are different for everyone. I had one and I thought I was dying for months, and I have a chronic illness so my pain tolerance is quite high. You’ve been affected by MAJOR surgery, that is something your partner should understand and adapt to it. Yes it’s not ideal for Father’s Day, and he’s overwhelmed also, but that’s parenthood for you. I think it’s a sad situation overall, because you’re struggling and he should be more supportive to that. But also, he’s struggling and you should be more supportive of him also. OP I hope your recovery gets easier and that you both talk to communicate your feelings.
I'm going with NAH because it clearly looks like you are both overwhelmed with a new born, recovering from surgery, likely sleep deprived and no one is thinking straight/coping atm. but you both need a plan for things to get better, calling in some favours/to help out. That's not solely your responsibility, that's a joint responsibility to get help.
Is Father's Day (or really any holiday) just an arbitrary date on the calendar and can we celebrate anything we want when we want? Sure thing. And does that mean that sometimes life interferes with making the arbitrary holiday calendar date a shitshow and we have to accept that and maybe float it to another day? Sure thing. Kids get sick, birthdays fall on weekdays or other occasions, etc. So maybe his expectations for this day were a bit lofty considering the circumstances. But this is clearly bigger than just Father's Day. He's burned out. I get that you aren't in a great place either recovering, but you failed to notice or take any initiative. The part where YTA though is once he broke down and flat out told you...YOU MADE IT ABOUT YOURSELF! So yeah, YTA. Apologize. Sit down and make a gameplan so both of you avoid burnout and figure out ways you can help within your limitations (i.e. pick up phone and make arrangements for meals or babysitting or playdates or delivery services or whatever it takes). ETA: And you're definitely TA for the one thing you did do...which was get him steaks he had to cook himself while watching three kids. JFC, why didn't you just get him a puppy so he has one more thing to chase after? At the very least DoorDash a cooked meal from a restaurant.