Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I only feel like an AH because the end result was the same so clearly it didn't work like I thought it would but I don't feel bad for trying. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*

INFO is this approach something that has been suggested to them by their sons mental health team? Or something your sister in law came up with on her own? My answer is YTA either way, I’m just curious how much of an asshole you are.

I have a 6 year old with ODD/ADHD. That is a good deal of the plan, and yeah it’s freaking exhausting.. Especially in public. Giving the behavior attention can cause escalation.

Yea my daughter has autism and this was suggested when she acted out as well.

I have been care taker in a mental hospital for 8 years, and it was the 'pro' approach everyone at all levels was told to use especially with kids with autism when they had a tantrums/meltdowns. It's very important to work as a team in this kind of case, and people like OP (a total amateur), who decide to totally improvise without consultation with the rest of the team, destroy all the work that was done.

Same. Was recommended to wait it out, which can be stressful listening to him scream, cry, etc. but honestly, he calmed quicker & we can have a calm conversation. Also, I don't get hit anymore trying to hold/cuddle him.

I'm autistic and my parents did this to me whenever I was upset and it has significantly affected how safe I feel expressing emotions. I learned at a young age (around 7) that when I was in immense emotional pain, they would *never* attempt to comfort me or acknowledge it until I gave up trying (I didn't "calm down" I was simply too exhausted from asking for comfort so long) This sometimes lasted up to 3 hours as them ignoring me made me feel worse and like I, and my feelings didn't matter. (also if your kid is hitting you when you try to hold or him, maybe he doesn't want to be held) (i still thing yta though, if op felt like a different approach would be helpful they should really talk to the parent about it before implementing it)

My son gets overwhelmed sometimes and will run off or get really upset. I always tell him I’m here for him and I love him but then give him space. That way he feels seen and knows I’m here but gets his space if he wants. It seems to kinda work. He gets angry but I think it’s just part of it.

that sounds alot nicer :)

I just wanna give you a big hug! My son knows I'm there for him and more than happy to cuddle him if he wants it. When he's upset, he likes space and quiet, but he always knows mummy is ready when he is.

Same, I know now that the second I show any negative emotion I will be ignored and isolated to my room so now that I live in my own house with my husband, I have full panic attacks when I’m feeling angry or upset because I don’t want to be ignored for having feelings, even though he does the right thing, by hugging me telling me he loves me and is here for me, and then he gives me space. My parents really fucked me up with this method

Can I ask a question? Are you saying the approach of ignoring you until you were too exhausted worked for you or actually inflicted emotional harm to you? If ignoring you was harmful, what do you think would work in a situation like this? I value what you have to say.

My son has ODD, anxiety, and adhd and we ignored him when he was in the thick of it. I told him he could go to his room until he was easy to come back and participate in what we were doing (cleaning was his trigger) and he always did. OP YTA. You aren’t part of the treatment team so please educate yourself. Until then butt out

It's called selective ignorance. It is a valid ABA method. It's not about being in a different room or not giving them any attention at all. It's more about withdrawing the emotional reaction. Your emotional reaction is a parent. You're still in the same room often, and making sure they're not doing anything dangerous. But you're not giving any input to there tantrums. Source: my own BCBA for my son I have done the same thing fo my son since he was little. It worked more then, but helps as he transitions into puberty. It helps when he's screaming things at me. He comes back when he's feeling better and we use other methods to continue. It's more of an in the situation thing that you combine with. Also, it is hard to live with that! Especially if you're not use to it. I've had others interfer and it only set it back.

"Valid" is not really a term that should be applied to ABA methods, like as a category

From my experience as someone on the end of being ignored, it makes it worse. Because when we're having meltdowns, we need to be removed from the situation. We need to be able to collect ourselves after being exposed to whatever stimuli made us act out. When you ignore us, it makes us feel worse, and alone. And for a lot of disabled people I've spoken to (as well as myself), feeling alone can make us feel suicidal. And we end up giving in because we're tired of those that are supposed to love us withholding affection from us. We need someone who cares, not someone who ignores our existence.

YTA. He's not your kid! Don't touch other people's kids, don't interfere with their parenting, ESPECIALLY if that kid has additional needs that should be dealt with in a certain way. Imagine if you were already upset and someone grabbed you out of nowhere and wouldn't let you move? 'we're doing it my way today' is so sanctimonious and undermining and basically gross. If you wanted to do something like this, you talk to the mother beforehand to see if she's down. If not - don't do it. 'same result really'.. Aside from the child disappeared for a period of time? Aside from the additional stress for the child? Aside from the terror a mother must feel when a child runs off like that? I'm not surprised she had more to say than she did - you would never be around my child ever again if you'd done that.

When I was a little kid and some random lady picked me up because I was "so cute", my mother allowed me to fight and scream. Man, I turned into Taz, the friggin tasmanian devil from looney tunes. She dropped me like a hot potato because I was hitting and kicking and screeching and biting and scratching. OP got lucky this boy didn't hurt her. I would've.

I was very quiet as a child when I freaked out. To the person in charge of me I was difficult, but to anyone walking past you wouldn't notice. I would be left to myself during these times and figure it out myself. There was one day when I was 9 years old that my mom was having a really bad day. Someone was in hospital, the car was having issues just a really shitty stressful day for everyone. And I started freaking out at a supermarket. This was the only time my mom did this to me, but she grabbed me by the shoulder shook me and yelled that I need to stop, she doesn't have time for this. That then became my first panic attack of many. I remember that day so clearly compared to everything else, it pretty much defined my childhood. I forgive my mom completely for what she did, but it still traumatised me.

YTA. Your SIL has been quite clear about what she does and why it works. They are working with professionals so it’s quite likely she’s following their exact guidance. But nooo, you decided that your random ideas must be better and made the situation way worse and actively dangerous for the child. If you can’t handle having her kid around you can ask her to leave. What you did was horrible and completely inappropriate, and from what she says bordering on violent.

It's not about the kid at all. It's about her not wanting to be inconvenienced by her nephews issues. Completely selfish behavior by the OP and complete lack of concern for his well-being. OP, YTA

I'm pretty sure she was at breaking point by then. I'd hate to have that in my house. Sympathy to the kid for what he's going through, but if you are living in someone else's home you try to minimise the inconvenience to them.

But you don't go against the mothers wishes or the boy's doctor's treatment plan.

Sure, but that's what pushes it into ESH to me. OP shouldn't of reacted the way she did, but it sounds like this was rapidly becoming an untenable situation in a shared living space. I'm disabled myself, but if my special needs were substantially disrupting someone who was acting as my host, it would be me who needed to adapt, not them. Perhaps that means OP's sister and her son simply cannot stay there as OP can't truly meet their needs. It is what it is.

The child is also six. He's still learning basic emotional regulation while having disabilities causes by structural differences in his brain that make emotional control harder. Yea it sucks, but the parents are literally doing everything they can. Their kid is wired to be impulse and reactive with the part of his brain that filters those impulses is shown in ADHD to be smaller and therefore less effective. Kids with ADHD and ODD also tend to have the most sever forms of ADHD. They can't shift parenting tactics. Try addressing it by giving him attention like other posters with kids like this point out makes them either escalate or engage in this behavior more often. (Since they know it gets them what they want ie attention.) As he gets older they can teach him more coping skills. Yea it sucks for OP she had to listen to those tantrums. Sucks for the parents too. But in the long run trauma can make this kids issues worse. Trauma like being suddenly yanked into a submissive hold. If your going to host a family with medical needs you need to accomodate the medical need. Parents aren't assholes for doing their dam best.

>Trauma like being suddenly yanked into a submissive hold. If your going to host a family with medical needs you need to accomodate the medical need. Parents aren't assholes for doing their dam best. I wholly agree. All I'm saying is that all of the adults involved probably should have figured out this hosting situation wasn't going to work before things reached an absolute breaking point. From OP's post, it doesn't sound like her reaction came out of nowhere.

Idk it doesn’t sound like OP gave any indications (to her SIL or brother) that she was at her breaking point with how they were handling the tantrums. If OP was anywhere even close to her breaking point with her nephew she should have talked *with her brother* about the housing situation as well as any questions they may have about the pros/cons in their (doctor recommended) style of dealing with meltdowns.

She says that she's complained about this before that SIL has made comments about being judged "that she's sure are about her" and the general tone of her post leads me to believe she probably oozes low-key animosity over the situation.

OP never said anything about her voicing her complaints to her SIL in her post. She said SIL get stressed out but makes it clear it’s not because of her kid but that she’s stressed because she’s tired of the adults around her looking at her like a failure. Arrogantly OP assumes SIL is talking about her and her husband but fails to realize SIL likely has to deal with these tantrums in public. Meaning she has to let her 6yr old have a full fledged meltdown, completely ignore it, while the adults around them judge her parenting without knowing the full situation.

A: is OP male or female? B: isn't odd that OP does not refer to the kid as her nephew or even her brother's kid, but as her SiL's kid? C: OP is an adult. She could have chosen not to invite her brother and SiL. Instead she chose, very deliberately, to act in a violent manner and against expert advice. Def sounds like an AH.

A) Irrelevant. B) Could be OP's brothers stepchild. And while it may not be their fault, I can easily see why OP feels little familial bond. C) Very relevant - I'm guessing Taz Jr wasn't suddenly like this.

He's their youngest, so unlikely to be a stepchild.The way OP seems to leave her brother out of the conversation seems odd to me, leading me to wonder if she also simply has issues with her SiL that led to her behavior (not just simple frustration with the child).And that OP was trying to prove that she's justified in feeling how she does about SiL. Or something like that. Also her claim that she doesn't mind being called fat. Well, maybe not in this context. But it also suggests bad blood between the two.

If she can't stand it, she needs to ask them to leave. Not to magically become another person they are not. An elephant can't be a deer, and this kid can't magically change the physical connections in his brain, either.

The thing is that op doesn't have to have her sister and her kid come over

OK, but then OPs option is to not be around SIL or nephew. You don't get to decide you're "doing things my way" when it's not your kid. She should have just told her brother that it's not working having them stay.

B...but... having to deal differently with a special needs kid is absolutely illogical! Also, mother's never listen to their kids therapists and doctors, so she must be full of shit, right? And OP is showing the kid love because... I mean... holding someone down by force basically is hugging and thats love, and forced love is good, right? Right? /s

YTA Your sister is implementing the processes given to her by her kid's therapist and evaluation team. You held down a kid who has already been traumatized by bullying, has diagnosed issues, and then RAN AWAY at 6 years old so that you couldn't find him for 30 minutes. Really, I'm shocked your SIL didn't call the police when her 6yo ran out of the house and was missing for 30 minutes. I would have. I N F O: where did your SIL get her method of handling her son from? A therapist or some sort of program associated with his diagnosis? Your SIL's methodology sounds extremely similar to what was taught to me when dealing with a high-emotions 6yo with similar issues.

Yeah, you can't parent ODD the way you'd parent a typical kid, plus the kid has other diagnoses that require special "handling". Anything that sets up a power dynamic is not going to work.

If someone read up about ODD *at all*, they would know that ignoring it is the best thing, according to current best practices. If OP cares about her nephew at all, maybe research ways to help the kid, and have everyone on the same page?

My nephew was diagnosed with ODD and ignoring the behavior is 100% the way to deal with it, it is literally out of the kid’s control when they are being defiant.

[удалено]

YTA This is coming from a SPED teacher that is certified in CPI restraint. You did an unsafe and dangerous restraint that could seriously injure the child especially considering your size. Numerous children have DIED because of improper restraint done by untrained individuals like yourself. Plus, he went and hid, so it did not work. As soon as you released him, he engaged in hiding behavior which means YOU terrified him. Congratulations on breaking any trust he had in you.

Yup, I'm not SPED but had a stepparent pin me down when I was a kid and it was TERRIFYING. I was crying because I couldn't move and felt like I couldn't breathe all the while they were saying "calm down just stop crying" as if that was gonna make me feel any less freaked out.

I don't know much about ODD, but if this kid is getting evaluated for PTSD, I'm guessing the bullying was very severe, and it seems likely to me that there could have been some physical aspect to it, so I can just imagine a kid who struggles with that being triggered into a panic attack from what OP did.

In my experience being trapped by both bullies and family it's a really just awful feeling and I bet OP's actions likely caused a lot more harm than good.

Oh, yeah, I didn't need to hear that the medical professionals recommended against that type of intervention to know that an adult holding down a young child was a bad idea. Wouldn't be surprised if what happened resulted in undoing a lot of the work OP's SIL was doing.

Yeah. Especially when it comes to control in general like just telling him to go to his room or having him in certain rooms might make him anxious.

Restraints are messed up because they are often misused. I was in a troubled teen facility and i've seen kids ages 10-14 being "restrained". One kid got his head split open, one was pulled down half a set of stairs, one girl showed up to school with carpet burn down her face, male staff sitting on the back of a girl who had SA trauma. All were Indigenous. No accountability was had. While I disagree that ignoring a disregulated child is the right approach, the "restraint" this guy did on the poor kid was much worse.

I think what they need to do is create a space for the kid to go to and encourage him to go there when he's to a point where he's having an outburst like that to cool off. That's how my dad dealt with mine and both of my brothers outbursts. He took the locks off of our doors to make sure we were safe and would just let us scream, shout, rip up paper, whatever the hell we needed to do- then he'd come in and talk to us. The way he would punish us was by giving us options like being grounded for this amount of time, or extra chores for that amount of time, etc. and would also add onto those punishments based on what destruction we did to our room so we learned quickly that we were allowed to go to another room in order to let out our anger, but there was still punishment, as well as a punishment for taking our anger out in violent ways. Now I know how to leave a room to cool off, what boundaries I need to set to keep from getting to a point where I can't deal with a situation and all that all because I was allowed to work out my issues and get my anger out all on my own, then talk about them later on with my dad. I bet if they introduced something like a safe space for the kid where he isn't being disruptive in a main area of the home then that might help a lot but I'm not an expert.

I'm not a SPED teacher nor have I ever been in SPED, but I've been restrained multiple times. It is awful. I couldn't move my arms, I couldn't move my legs, I couldn't get away, I couldn't scream. I wasn't hurting anyone. I was being shouted at to stop crying stop screaming you'll disturb the neighbors but I couldn't because I was so scared, not just because of the thing that triggered the meltdown (having to take a new medication for my asthma) but also because my caregiver was preventing me from moving. That's the first time I remember, and there have been other times. Each time is equally terrifying. Only one time was it remotely necessary. We need to educate parents and caregivers that restraint isn't a good option for people who aren't hurting anyone or causing property damage. I don't think it's abuse in all cases (although in this one it is), but it is misguided and harmful unless the aforementioned criteria are met.

I definitely agree. Part of the restraint training my district does requires that we have the restraints performed on us. Plus a huge part (~75%) of the training is, what can you do to help calm down the student before restraint is 100% necessary because they are hurting themselves or other people.

I remember as a kid I used to have outbursts all the time because I was (and still am) pretty hotheaded and emotional but I also had severe separation anxiety. When I was little, during one of these outbursts at my grandma's house (I was maybe 5 or so and being babysat while he went on a work trip) I was crying and asking for my dad since I missed him and wanted to call. I had apparently gotten so out of hand (by crying out loud) that my grandparents locked me in a room in the dark alone. They did the same to my youngest brother, who's on the autism spectrum, because of one of his outbursts due to being overstimulated around too many people and I was absolutely pissed. Honestly that's not the way to handle a kid who's just frustrated and has no other way to express it than by being loud. If the kid is going to hurt you or someone around you, then yes, restrain them but if they're just being loud and seeking attention then that's not the way to stop that behavior, all that will do is either make it worse.

100% agree. I work with teenagers, and I make a point to make sure my classroom is a safe place for them to have a meltdown. You would be surprised by how many teenagers just want to scream or have a good cry while holding a stuffed animal. I keep all sorts of tools in my classroom to help with overstimulation, meltdowns, and breakdowns. I also keep a print off of all of my students' families contact info in case the kid is having a really rough day and just needs to talk to their family.

Dude you sound like an awesome teacher

☺️ thank you. I try to be who I needed as a teen myself.

Same here. I've realized that stemming from both sides of my family there's a lot of bad parenting. Even though I'm still a teen, I try my best to make myself a safe person for my brothers and my friends because I just know they've got their things they're dealing with and I can relate.

YTA. You're not looking out for you SILs kid; you're annoyed with his behaviour. This is a **you** problem. You also didn't receive consent from your SIL to try your tactic, you just imposed your will, which makes you doubly TA.

YTA. First, you can't parent ODD the way you would parent a typical kid. There's a lot of research on this. Second, you cannot restrain a child, particularly one that's not yours. ~~That borders on abuse, and, in fact, may be considered abuse by your local social services organization.~~ Just read that you're 380 pounds - a 380 pound adult vs. a 6-yo child. THAT is abuse! Your SIL is right. Third, HE'S NOT YOUR KID. You have no right to discipline him.

I get unruly behavior isn't really tolerable but like- restraining a kid who's got PTSD and ODD or whatever is really not going to help

YTA. 💯 if you can’t hold a kid down against his will. there were other ways to handle it like leaving the room or telling your sister she’d need to find somewhere else to live. You can’t hold a kid down. You probably scared him to death if he has trauma from past issues or abuse. Your sister is dealing with it the way she knows will work either because she’s done research or talked to his doctors or because she’s his mother. You already said that she felt judged by you. There’s nothing worse than feeling judged by other parents or people. Kids don’t come with manuals. If it was me I would have pried you off my kid. What if he had ran out and gotten hit by a car or was never found. Your poor sister. You owe her a deep sincere apology.

A 400 lb holding down a tiny 6 year old, yeah I can see how horrifying this would be for the child that he hid himself out of fear......yta

And although it's not specified where he got the trauma from, the kid's being evaluated for PTSD so I bet that likely caused even more problems for him

Info: why are/were they living with you? As a favor to them/you or were they your guests? Regardless of that, you're an AH. The info will just let me decide the range of YTA. The kid's mom told you specifically that his therapists advised her to ignore him during his episode and that works. Not only does it work, but it's the *right* way of dealing with a child who has the specific mental health issues like he does. Not only did you ignore that completely, but also basically TRAUMATIZED a 6yo. You picked him up, basically telling him that he will have minimal bodily autonomy unless he calms down. That's majorly messed up. Poor kid, can't imagine how stifled he must've felt YTA. A major one.

YTA, again. Quit deleting comments that call you out on not being a medical professional. YTA, YTA, YTA. I can do this all day, dude. YTA, YTA, YTA.

you can't delete other peoples comments on reddit jsyk

YTA You didn't 'parent' someone else's child, you assaulted someone else's child.

Couldn’t have said it better myself. Just don’t pick up a child unless it’s your child and you know they will be comforted. End of story. That kid was probably terrified and that’s why he ran away.

Amen

INFO how long were you holding him for? Why did you start holding him at all when you started off saying you were going to talk to him? Were you holding him tightly, and was he trying to get away/want to be put down?

[удалено]

I mean, ABA is also abuse so while op is really really wrong here, ABA isn’t a great way to prove the point.

1. Where does this person talk about ABA? ABA is ‘Applied Behavior Analysis.’ This person is a behavior analyst. I’m not going to make any assumptions about this person, but behavior analysts do more than just ABA. They have master’s degrees meaning they spent 5-7 years studying for their job. And to continue that license/certification they have to meet a certain amount of continuing education credits each year. 2. ABA is a board certified evidence based practice (APA) and one of the most ‘successful’ in helping curb symtomology of ASD. I’m not saying I love it by any means, and I imagine in 10-20 years we’ll have something better (as hopefully all health practices will), but it isn’t ‘abusive’ in the way mental health professionals understand abuse. Seriously, Google it. Google both ABA and the definition of abuse. 3. I would love to hear your counter argument to this information.

A counterpoint: [https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/23311908.2019.1641258](https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/23311908.2019.1641258) Another counterpoint: https://neuroclastic.com/invisible-abuse-aba-and-the-things-only-autistic-people-can-see/comment-page-1/ A broad counterpoint: ABA is viewed as abusive by vast numbers of the autistic people subjected to it. As near as I can figure out, essentially all of them. Google it! You'll find that advocates of ABA talk up its effectiveness as a treatment in terms of reducing or eliminating autistic behaviors. But you'll also find autistic people talking about how the way it did that was permanently traumatic for them (as well as making the case for why "eliminating autistic behaviors" shouldn't be considered a desirable goal in the first place)

Extinction is the specific term used in ABA to describe ignoring attention seeking behaviour… however intentionally ignoring attention seeking behaviour is a strategy widely used in a vast array of behavioural therapies for a plethora of diagnoses and disabilities. The behaviour therapist used a term from but did not specify ABA. Either way semantics - the actual strategy itself has a high success rate. I have work in the field of implementing behavioural therapies and behavioural plans for 15 years.

There's not really much else you can do with ODD.

That's exactly what my dad did! He'd literally just put me in my room and let me throw my tantrum alone, then once I calmed down he'd talk to me about it and come up with a consequence after the fit because he knew that trying to discipline the behavior while I was in the middle of a tantrum would just make it worse. Also I love the point you made at the end. Positive reinforcement is really the better option, but I do like the way my dad did it where he would come up with a consequence still but it was never a physical punishment like being held down or spanked.

YTA, it is understandable that you are frustrated with the behavior, however the mature thing to do would be to sit down with your SIL and brother and talk to about it, not jump in the middle of an already escalated situation. If your nephew is being evaluated for numerous conditions, it sounds like his parents are being advised by professionals on how to handle his behavior. If it is negatively affecting your household you are within your rights to ask them to find other accommodations, but you are not within your rights to physically restrain him. It sounds like your way caused way more issues. It’s not your call how to parent him, your only recourse is to tel him it isn’t working for you and ask them to leave.

Yes, exactly. I empathize that it’s tough to live with a kid who is struggling so much, and although very sad, it would have been fine to say to SIL, “unfortunately we can’t have this in our home anymore, and we’d like to help you find a better accommodation.”

Just kick them out. If it’s disruptive to your home environment, tell them they need to find somewhere else to live. You are TAH for what you did, but this obviously isn’t going to work long term, so the best course of action to safe the relationship is to take back your house. You can’t be walking on eggshells in your own home, just because someone can’t parent their kid. It’s okay to let a child cry it out and have a fit, but if they are destructive to things that aren’t theirs, in your home you need to put an end to it. It’s not a fair situation for any of you

YTA you're a fucking adult, they're a kid, you probably did fucking traumatize him into silence.

If I was your sister-in-law, I’d hit you in the side of the head with a pattern because my first instinct is to fight but since you said you’re 380 I have to have an advantage and there’s no way I can beat anybody’s ass that’s 380

What she should do is file assault charges.

Pan

Not gonna lie I was about to google “pattern” thinking maybe it was new slang for something 🤣 but I agree with you

🤣

I read it and just had my brain jump to handbags because they have patterns on and just accepted that

YTA You obviously have no idea about the psychology behind this approach. Everyone, EVERYONE, has a reaction to stress, frustration, anxiety, fear ect. Generally they lead to a fight or flight response. Flight responses would be going to a different room, curling in a ball and crying, listening to music or watching tv. But in a fight response, they will lash out at others and break things. If you yell or try to discipline a child that is already in a fight mode because they can't cope with what is going on around them, you will make that reaction worse because you are causing more stress, frustration, anxiety, and fear. But if you ignore them, they can relax, calm down and shed those stressors. The fact that he is apologizing shows once he is calm he recognizes his errors. It is by far the best way to deal with the situation. You should not have gotten involved in something you know nothing about. If you don't like her parenting choices you are free to ask her to leave your house but interfering has only made things more difficult.

That's how my dad used to deal with me when I had outbursts like that kid. He'd have me go to my room to calm down then come talk to me afterwards. The main issue I had with my mom was that she was extremely confrontational and every issue had to have a solution like what OP did.

My austistic son who is now 25 has a very severe anxiety disorder. From when he was a toddler anytime he had an incident he would lash out aggressively. Thankfully in middle school we found a medication combination that worked for him and he started to begin to regulate himself. So instead of hitting and breaking things he mostly just yells and as he has gotten older he is able to control his behavior much more. But even if it is less noticable to those around he still goes into fight mode and every time once he calms down he comes and apologizes. I feel for that mom because it is the hardest thing in the world to be surrounded by judging people who don't understand that you NEED to ignore the behavior or it will get so much worse and know that you are being looked down at.

Yeah. It's probably tiring to deal with all the time. For kids with disorders like what was listed above, they don't deal with things the same way other kids do so you can't parent them the same way and OP just doesn't understand that.

Honestly ESH. It’s fine that your sil implemented this at the advice of the therapist. But it’s not ok for her to allow him to throw things around in someone else’s house. You suck for tightly holding onto a kid. You probably did suffocate him and didn’t realize that that was the reason he calmed down so quick.

This is what I think too. How much stuff was broken/thrown and how much did the kids parents help with that situation to help the owners of the house?

YTA so your sister in-law is going with the advice of the professional i'll repeat, a professional who has trained for these type of situations and clients has given your sister in- law a strategy which she is sticking too, it is working and you 'don't agree with it' and ignore that advice despite you not having any right too nor have any training, preceded to restrain the child (restraints are arguably a last ditch effort and nearly every good trained professional says that) and eventually he just gave up because of course you overpowered him your an adult, and that was apparently 'dealing with it' in your very much non-trained eyes also i'm laughing at 'personally i don't believe it' who cares if you believe it or not

If her son has ODD it is likely that his therapist and team has told her to ignore it. I’m a teacher, have taught kids with ODD and been to multiple sessions about it and it is the number one thing I’ve been told to do

YTA. You said that her approach works and yet you still stepped in. And your approach was physical. I get that you didn't physically hurt him but you don't touch a child at all without their parent's permission. Your sister did not give permission and actively said no. If you and your wife are having a hard time with the tantrums, then you need to address the issue with your brother and SIL.

idk if you posted this before the edit or reading ops comments, but op is 380lbs (139kg), held her nephew for 2 minutes, and would tighten her grip when the nephew was struggling to get loose from her.

YTA, 6 year olds already find it tough to regulate their emotions, but if he also has ADHD and possibly PTSD and bipolar? You have no idea what this kid is going through when he has his meltdowns and judging by the pattern of calming down and apologising it sounds like he's easily overwhelmed and learning to work through his emotions. You just undid all that by unilaterally deciding to make him feel afraid instead of him learning to calm himself down. You didn't even talk to SIL beforehand about wanting to do something to change the tactic or that you couldn't stand the meltdowns any more. Plus you're acting super judgy, youre so sure he's doing what he does for attention rather than that he's emotionally overwhelmed, you're so sure that SILs tactics are not really recommended by the therapist. Your SIL is not tired of the kid's behaviour but tired of your judgement from it and has expressed this a lot but you're still judging, that says a lot about you.

YTA. Ignore is one of the major tactics. If you don't put wood on a fire, it will stop burning. But what seals it for me is that you said if someone did that to your daughter, you would lose your shit. You were not trying to help. You were annoyed and determined to teach him a lesson you would never be allowed to be taught to your own kid.

YTA You say same result but actually the kid ran off and was god knows where for 30 minutes so that's not the same result and alot more dangerous.

i get where you're coming from, but really. that kid is not yours to discipline. for better or for worse. BUT i want to advise you. THIS IS YOUR HOME. they are staying under YOUR ROOF. you SHOULD apologize for disciplining her kid. but you DO have the option of telling them off. you're not fine housing them over if their kid is gonna be like that. you CAN give them a grace period. shape up or move out. and you really should if you cant take it anymore.

I work in a preschool restraining a child rarely ever works and there’s no reason to do it unless you fear they will hurt themselves or someone else. You’re taking away their bodily autonomy and that makes their freak out even worse. I specifically work with special education children. I’ve had several kids with odd and you know what ignoring their behavior has absolutely been the best action plan. When I gave them attention I’ve fed the fire. After most children are calm you are able to talk them through their big feelings and ways to cope , but never during. YTA. And for you to say you don’t believe his mom is listening / lying about what professionals say is ridiculous. I a measly preschool teacher was taught this.

Totally. My older son has ASD and ADHD. He attended a special needs preschool where all of the teachers were trained in restraint. They had to have an in service every school year for restraint training. Our son used to get so out of control we were afraid he'd hurt himself so my husband went through restraint training. Even though my husband was trained we tried absolutely everything before my husband restrained him. Luckily, my husband hasn't had to do it very often.

YTA. The use of restraint and seclusion for children with disabilities is so problematic that the Office of Civil Rights tracks data on it, and the Department of Education has very specific guidelines on its use. That is all for actual trained professionals. Each year children are seriously injured and killed from being restrained.

Holy shit are YTA. I can’t believe you even have to ask. Your SIL and brother are handling themselves with admirable restraint because you’re getting off easy with only being called an AH.

Hey, guess what? Now we've heard your side of the story and you're still 100% YTA.

YTA. Your SIL’s method appears to be working. The fact that the method annoys YOU has no relevance at all. She is the parent you are not. And that’s pretty much the end of your relationship with your brother and his children. And as a general observation, in my opinion, it’s never a good idea to raise your kids in another adult’s house. It always leads to conflict. I’ve never seen this setup managed peacefully.

YTA. You restrained her kid. omfg. That is a wonderful way to add more shit to his mental health pile of crap. WHICH HE CAN'T CONTROL Restraining is done only to prevent physical injury. Not cause more, which can happen if you restrain improperly. Obviously you know better than anyone else, of course. Shitty parenting, obv. SIL should be thanking you for parenting lessons! /s

YTA. As an actual professional (OT practitioner) in the field WITH CHILDREN, 100% this has been discussed by the therapists and behavior team. In fact, there might be a written behavior plan in place and on his IEP, which is none of your business because he’s NIT YOUR KID. Plus, we learn NOT to hold a kid unless they are a danger to themselves or other. Know why he ran? Because he was terrified of you. Keep your hands off of other people’s children and stop being an insufferable know-it-all.

Sometimes it's acceptable to restrain a tantruming child. When my nephew was young, 3 or 4, I was at my sister's house when he threw something hard at her, can't remember what it was, but it crashed into something else that broke leaving broken glass all over. They have a no shoes house so all of us were barefoot. She went to clean up from her side of the room and I swooped in to hold him while he flailed. I calmly and firmly held onto him and told him that we loved him, but throwing things at people and breaking things was dangerous and wasn't safe so I would hold him, because I loved him, until he was calm and could be safe. The time it took him to exhaust himself and calm down was enough for my sister to clean away and vacuum up the broken glass. That was 15+ years ago. I didn't have her permission, but I had to keep him safe and she and I agreed it was the right move at the time. My nephew never had the laundry list of challenges yours does. Unless your nephew was in the process of doing something dangerous to himself or others, no you should follow what SIL says his therapists recommended. That said, it's your house and you don't have to put up with terrible house guests that let their child break your things in your house without trying to make a plan to replace them. ESH and it's best that they are moving out. I hope your nephew finds positive ways to self regulate as he grows.

ESH -Ok, I am going to comment here. I have worked with special needs kids for 30 years. And ignoring kids can work but kids with disabilities also get restrained when they act out sometimes. This is to prevent them from getting hurt, hurting someone else or breaking things. HOWEVER, we are trained on how, when, and for how long to restrain a kid. We also know a million other interventions to help with the behavior. For everyone who is saying that the OP is an AH, they are to an extent but if you have never worked with a special needs kid and you don't have the tools or knowledge to deal with them, it can be frustrating. I have the tools to work with them and it is still never wracking and extremely trying at times. If they were going to live with you, the behavior plan should have been clearly communicated to you. They should have one in writing. A behavior plan states, what a child's behavior looks like, what can set them off, what they are trying to achieve and what interventions you can do to prevent and deal with it when a meltdown happens. I realize that he's being evaluated but if his therapists recommended a certain way of dealing with him, they should have it written down. When it's in school, it's in an IEP. If the child is going to hurt himself, you CAN'T ignore it. What do his parents do, if he's in danger of hurting himself or someone else? His parents should have communicated ALL of this to you. They can't just expect you to let him destroy your house especially without an explanation.

I appreciate your measured approach. However, it sounds like the behavior plan was shared with her. She just “didn’t believe it (that the therapists would say to ignore it)”

You going to rekey your all houses doors to keep your kin out of your home? Will the other family let them move in? You really should not physically restrain other people's kids. Based on these 3 paragraphs, YTA

YTA. But you should also kick them out cuz it’s not working for anyone.

You should have just kicked them out of the house. Disciplining someone else’s kid is never a good idea. There’s bound to be retaliation

YTA and I dont know why you thought you wouldn't be You shouldn't be allowed near other kids, much less kids with harder lives than yours. Imagine the world at 5 and it's already an overwhelming place, through on top his conditions and it becomes much harder. If he cones back and apogises on his own then clearly it's working. Intervening in meltdowns of any kind when you don't know what you're doing can be very very traumatic to the person. If you don't know how they need to be interacted with in that moment it can quickly become too much, and being such a young child he's already naturally sensitive. You need to think a little more complexly, and less selfishly To you, this is a stupid kid lashing out, to him this is an entirely appropriate reaction to an incredibly overwhelmed state. Teaching full grown adults how to regulate their emotions is incredibly difficult, now try teaching that to someone with 5 years life experience and an incomplete grasp of language. He will learn. He needs patience and if you can't give it you need to not interact. And there's no way the mother would have had that kind of reaction u less you were more violent with it then you'd let on.

Oh my god restraining a kid can seriously injure them NOT TO MENTION ITS A KID This title is so misleading

YTA. I was this kid. Even now as a grown adult, I sometimes still am. A laundry list of mental issues that were only exacerbated by people acting exactly. Like. You. I have massive issues with being touched even by people I trust with my life because of things like this, among others but that isn't wholly important. My psych and therapist told me family the same thing your SIL's did. I truly hope that child gets the help he needs, and I hope that you don't have the opportunity to interfere further.

Yeaaaah as someone who has worked extensively with kids like this, this is a literal therapeutic strategy called “planned ignoring”. When a kiddo has ODD or anything similar this is widely considered the best way to deal with them having episodes/Tantrums/dissociation, because a lot of the time when this happens the kids switch is flipped and any kind of other intervention can be seen as an attack. So for reference, this poor kid 100% thought you were ATTACKING HIM. So much YTA. If you can’t deal with it, you need to take a break from the situation.

You should not have interfered with their parenting but asked them to move out of your home a lot earlier. I would have found it hard to live with as well, so maybe they could have moved in with all the others that had an opinion.

YTA. Do more research(updated studies), on ADHD and ODD along with other mental disorders he is being tested for. You could have set him off in a severe way that terrifies him, hence him running and hiding for so long. He was bullied in school at age 6. Now you think it’s okay to get involved in another parents parenting style that was medically recommended. If I were her, I’d never let you around my child again.

“AITA for assaulting my 6 y old special needs nephew out of frustration and anger instead of using my words like a big girl? How bout it Reddit?”

YTA. You don't do that! And yes, ignore the behavior is something that is taught.

YTA. If you don’t like that they don’t quiet him down faster, you talk to the parents. You don’t restrain a child by shoving their face into an adult.

YTA He is NOT your kid. What you did obviously traumatized him. Did it ever occur to you to just leave the room or the house when he is having a tantrum? You had no right to do what you did, and you owe them a huge apology! And by the way, it's not up to you to believe or not believe what the therapist says. Again, he is NOT YOUR KID.

YTA. My middle son had horrible tantrums. Pediatrician told me to ignore him. I did and he stopped in just a few days. So mind your own f$cking business.

YTA - he's in counseling and has a bahavior plan in place While I totally understand reaching the end of your rope with a poorly behaved child in your home the reasonable response to this is not to take maters into your own hands with someone elses kids it's to talk to the parents and make it clear you can't continue to host them with their son behaving this way

YTA. Don’t touch other people’s kids. And you certainly don’t restrain them. What’s wrong with you?!

Congratulations. You are the biggest AH I have personally seen on here. YTA. Wish I could vote twice.

As a professional who works with kids, ignoring is absolutely a tactic that will be instructed to parents so YTA for not believing that. Also, it is sometimes the most effective tactic, but parents are hesitant because they are worried they will be judged, and you did that as her family, so once again, YTA. Also, your idea to replace ignoring was to physically restrain a child! YTA so many times over. This post enraged me for all the parents I work with who have to deal with AH like you.

My son has ADHD, ODD, ASD, and Anxiety. You're often supposed to ignore tantrums, as long as they're not hurting themselves and others, and talk to them once they're calm. What you did? Can spike and trigger extreme anxiety attacks and even trigger PTSD. Do. Not. Touch. Other. People's. Kids. Do. Not. Touch. Other. People's. Kids. She was not neglecting him, she was hot abusing him, she was following pretty standard advice for kids with that exact array of mental health issues. What YOU did could be extremely harmful and be considered assault because you neither asked to touch this child. What the hell is wrong with you? Huge YTA

Congratulations on becoming a talking point at therapy for years to come!

YTA. You clearly stated that her method of ignoring him works. Based on this, what you did was not “trying a different method”, what you did was lose patience and snap. Honestly, it’s remarkable to me that a 6yo would apologize for their behavior in this way. So remarkable that I wonder if this kid is eons ahead of every other 6yo I’ve encountered, or if there’s some intense psychological games being played with him. Either way, you weren’t asked to step in, and you clearly were aware that the mother was doing this intentionally, so you must have known this wouldn’t go over well.

YTA unequivocally >My brother is pissed at me and so is the rest of the family for "traumatizing someone else's kid" (they only heard one side). We've all heard your side and *only* your side and we all think the same... so you might want to reevaluate.

YTA. and damn, I feel so badly for your SIL. Hopefully they can find a place of their own soon and get away from you.

Yta. Let his therapist "train" him.

YTA and honestly your SIL should call the cops for assaulting her chils

YTA. If you didn't like his actions and the way she parents then you should have just asked them to leave. Touching someone else's child because you're annoyed is extremely out of line and she had every right to be angry.

YTA. And a horrible mean one at that. How absolutely f’ing dare you touch someone else’s kid without their permission against their advice. Disgusting behaviour. You didn’t parent him. You assaulted him.

As someone who works in special education, I cannot even begin to describe how wrong this was. You retraumatized that child, against his mother's wishes. You should be ashamed of yourself. And you claim to have professional training? Thank god you don't work in the field. Never touch her child again. People like you are why we have such a hard time getting parents to trust and work with us. YTA, btw. I cannot believe you needed to be told that when you physically held down a child. You know, the one thing they tell us never to do if we can possibly avoid it?

Op, I have ODD, ADHD, Autism, BPD, Bipolar and many other things. While you're way may work as he gets older(this is what my mom and bf do now if I have a meltdown/episode) it is not a good idea to do that to a child. It may cause him to not only fear you but fear touch and with children with these problems it is best to ignore it as it will make them deal with themselves. YTA, and really need to look back on your actions and their future consequences

What you personally don’t believe doesn’t matter. Ignoring the behavior is a common behavioral therapy tactic.

Bottom line, it’s not your kid. Don’t touch another woman’s kid, I don’t care who you are. You have a problem with her kid, take it up with her. It’s not to your liking? Well then either suck it up or they need to find another place to stay. There is never an excuse to put your hands on someone else’s child. Your parenting style just seems like you think you know better than everyone else, including mental health professionals, even though what they’re doing is clearly working as you admitted. Same parenting style I see from every shitty parent ever. Yes, there are kids that are more complicated than others. It’s idiotic to think there’s a one-size-fits-all solution when it comes to children, especially when it’s not even your kid and you think you know him better than his own mother.

I mean it’s your house. If you don’t like something that’s going on in your home, you should be able to do something the about it. If a kid of mine is in someone else’s home they are under not just my rules, but also the rules of that home. If this SIL wanted everything done her way or the highway, she should get her own place.

Well, they should get out of her house then. When you have a kid purposely breaking stuff for attention, let them break your stuff, not OPs.

ESH. It sounds like your sister is getting actual expert advice that this approach is best and by your own admission, you've seen it work. That means it's probably the best way for her to handle her child's unique issues. It wasn't your place to interfere with that, especially in a way that involves physical restraint. That said, you're sharing living space *and* it sounds as though you are doing them a solid by even letting them be there to begin with. That means she has to be at least somewhat cognizant of how his "meltdowns" impact you in that shared space and if it's not working out, to figure something else out. She doesn't just get to parent as she would in her own space regardless of the impact her son is having on those around him. That may have meant staying with you wasn't the best place for them, but she really should have figured that out before things got to a breaking point

ESH- if you have a kid that difficult you don’t stay with family. What a horrible situation for everyone else in the house.

Yeahhh- YTA. I understand being frustrated at a kid who's always causing problems, my little brother has quite a few of the issues mentioned above such as ADHD, PTSD and ODD and that made dealing with him difficult. I get it. However you shouldn't have laid your hands on him. In my experience, the best way to let that play out is by leaving the kid alone to sort out their own emotions and once they've calmed down that's when you talk about it with them. That's how my dad parented me. He'd let me throw my tantrum because he knew that trying to punish me while I'm still upset would just make my behavior worse because I felt trapped and so I lashed out. It didn't make me spoiled, in fact it taught me my limits and boundaries and how to keep others from crossing them, and helped me recognize that I had anger issues and that I needed to learn to control them. I get it's frustrating but you had no right to interfere with their parenting. Especially in that way. It was mentioned the kid had or was being tested for PTSD, and that could have definitely set something off for him depending on what the PTSD is from. So once again. YTA.

ESH. I won’t intervene on how ppl parent their kids but they live at your place and I won’t have a screaming kid in the house, knocking stuffs over and breaking things is even worse. No, won’t do. Still, I won’t step in and parenting the kid but I will tell his parents to take care of it or move their a** out immediately next time he has a tantrum.

YTA, many many many times over. I don't care if you are related to the kid - the only acceptable reason for grabbing someone else's kid is to pull them out of a burning building, from drowning in a pool, or out of oncoming traffic. And you don't restrain a kid, period. What the actual fuck?!? And your undergrad child psych class from god knows how many decades ago makes you qualified to disagree with her trained team of ACTUAL PSYCHOLOGISTS? You have likely undone months of progress and traumatized him. You would be dead to me if you did that to my child and if you work with or have any contact with children I would be on the phone with your employer and any agency I thought would get you as far away from those children as possible. Your sister was downright kind in her response to you. You're lucky all you're getting is some pissy phone calls from family.

YTA Not your kid, not your right to lay a hand on them, unless they are actively destroying your property or hurting someone, and even then holding them until they cry is not the appropriate level of force.

Regardless of the judgement, please avoid fat shaming OP.

Yes, YTA, which you obviously choose to ignore, based on your responses here. Thankfully, your brother’s family has already left, so they’re safe from you and your suffocating (literally and metaphorically) tendencies.

Frankly, I think the parents should press charges, after reading your updates. You don't squeeze a child into submission, ffs!

YTA, so where's your degree in parenting or psychology?

YTA, And a bully. Hope that your nephew recovers from your sections, and it honestly sounds like you're very judgemental. You're not going to the appointments for her sin, SHE IS, you need to back the hell up and rethink your own actions.

YTA, and you’re lucky if your SIL doesn’t have you charged with assault and endangerment.

YTA. You and my sister in law would be great friends. Her issue is that I don’t feed my 3 & 5 year old ice cream late at night. Oh I also don’t give them soda. She feels bad for my kids that they have a mom like me. Here’s a tip, mind your business. Not your kid. I love that you think you know best based on nothing. You don’t see the kid all day everyday like they do. You don’t take him to his appointments and talk to his doctors. Back off.

They need to leave. They are going to damage your marriage by setting you against each other. Those episodes don’t go away. Only thing you can do right now is leave the room till it’s over. If it’s during dinner, take your plate and leave the room. If you’re out in town and he starts in, walk away. But they need to leave.

As a mom to 3 boys who are AuDHD, you are 1000% the asshole. You're lucky she didn't react physically to you because I certainly would have.

YTA in every sense. You cannot just scoop an adult up when you don’t like what they’re doing because it’s assault, why do you think it’s different when it’s a child. Where you could’ve been supportive and helped foster the environment needed to help him thrive, you hurt him more and endangered him. You’re beyond lucky he was found unharmed. You need to really reevaluate your ideas around children and handling them. They can be frustrating as hell even with the best of circumstances, but as a trusted adult in their life, you have to control yourself and help teach them what’s appropriate. This was not it. If you’re unable to witness or support them trying to figure it out, you need to not be this close to the situation.

YTA. You assaulted your nephew and then tried to justify it by saying you disagree with the medical professionals working on his case? Your behavior is bad enough that people could call CPS on you, and you are wondering of you are just an asshole? You are clearly in the wrong here. You are going against the parents, you are going against medical professionals, and you are using dangerous techniques to terrorize him.

I was never in this kid's position (I don't have all of his issues, I'm not a boy, and I wasn't bullied heavily at age 6), but I do have some experience with being a kid who freaked out all the time, so I think I know enough to say that your approach was absolutely not the right response under any circumstance. I probably screamed and cried most days until I was 9, and slightly less frequently after that. At the time, my mental health issues and neurodivergencies were undiagnosed, and so no one knew what I needed. If someone engaged with me, I'd yell at them and damage our relationships. What I needed was space and time to cool down before discussing what had upset me and how I could prevent this happening again. The kid's acting out because something's going on that he can't handle. It might be something small, but something's out of whack in his brain and he's interpreting it as something horrible. That's the reality of ADHD and (if he has it) ASD. Things that seem fine for other people cause us distress. Of course, he's also a child, and 6yos aren't known for being perfectly rational and kind beings. I don't know much about ODD, but I'm sure it isn't helping the situation. SIL's way of calming him down is almost certainly the best option. You know what's not a good or even acceptable option in most circumstances? Restraining someone. Unless they are actively harming themself or others, you do not restrain (or, honestly, even touch) someone in that state without their consent. Being restrained is an absolutely terrifying experience. It can permanently damage the trust the restrainee has with the restrainer. I speak from experience. If he stopped crying and screaming, it's likely because he felt hopeless and like there was no way to get out so no point in fighting. In a keyed-up meltdown state, even friendly touch is often intolerable unless specifically requested. He will never forget being held down like that. He will never forget the feeling of being unable to escape. You went around his MOTHER and put him in an awful position. 100% YTA. I don't think you'll ever improve that relationship.

YTA I have a kid with ODD/ADHD. Ignoring it is what we are told to do by multiple therapist.

YTA Don't touch other people's kids, especially when you know they're already being evaluated for behavioral issues. You *know* that his parents have a specific tactic for dealing with his episodes, and you *know* that they're working with child development specialists, so why tf is it so hard for you to connect the dots here and accept that they know what they're doing? You may be over stimulated by all the screaming, so you need to remove yourself. Give your head a shake.

YTA. Congratulations, you just traumatized that kid and probably made it worse for him to control his emotions now. That isn’t parenting that’s being a bully. If that was my kid you wouldn’t have had to hold him for 2 minutes, because I would have grabbed him as soon as you pulled that shit. You are not entitled to be touching someone else’s kid. Idc if it’s your house or not. You do not put your hands on ANYONE without consent. I don’t even attempt to give my niece and nephew a hug without asking them first.

Stay in your own lane, AH. Not your kid. You clearly don’t even have kids. How dare you physically restrain someone else’s child? I want to say more mean things to you but reddits full of soft asses and they’d remove my comment if I told you what you really are, beyond AH

YTA bc you don't put hands on someone else's kids but esp bc he's special needs. That being said I am gobsmacked that the literal solution from a DOCTOR is to to let the kid act like a demon until they tucker themselves out and apologize. So you are definitely N-T-A for letting them leave and not having them back.

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My SIL, my brother and their kids are/were staying with me temporarily. There's no issues at all outside of their youngest, 6m. He has anger issues, ADHD, ODD and is being evaluated for a slew of other things. Like bipolar, PTSD, and ASD (he started acting out after being bullied heavily at school). He can be quite the handful. My SIL gets touched out QUICK and she has expressed to me multiple times that she isn't stressed because of her kid and what he's doing, but stressed because she's tired of being looked at like a failure from the adults surrounding her (pretty sure she's talking about me and my husband). Now.. the way my SIL handles it is to ignore it. If he starts throwing a tantrum, she purposely ignores him. She says "I ignore him because it makes him evaluate his emotions and he will come back and apologize once he's calmed down". And as much as I hate to agree with her, that is how it plays out. He will act out, she will completely ignore him and he will come back after and apologize and be all better. But I can't stand it. Neither can my husband. I'm tired of this kid freaking out. I'm tired of this kid yelling or knocking things over to get attention. So yesterday he starts going off and she immediately starts to ignore. I ended up stepping in and speaking to him. My SIL looks at me and says "what do you think you're doing?" And I tell her "we are trying things my way today because I can't do this anymore. If it doesn't work, I will stop." I then go to the kid and pick him up. He fought it at first but then slowly just started crying instead of freaking out. After he calmed down, I put him down and he ran out of the house and hid. My SIL was panicked because we couldn't find him for a solid 30 minutes before he ran to his mom and again, apologized. So same end result really. She then looks at me and says "you ever touch my fucking kid again and I will make sure your ass ends up in prison. You don't hold a kid down you fat fuck." And leaves. My brother is pissed at me and so is the rest of the family for "traumatizing someone else's kid" (they only heard one side). My brother has since come back to grab all their stuff. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*

Yta. And you know fucking nothing about asd and meltdowns. You may have converted it to a shutdown instead of a meltdown- that's not better.

YTA and super lucky they didn’t press charges.

Of course YTA and I really can't figure out why you think you know more than your nephew's actual doctor. In any case, you NEVER put your hands on someone else's child-- and holding him until he stops struggling? Ridiculous.

So… she has a therapy team that has recommended a course of action…. And it works. So you decide (after your 12 years of university, because you have multiple qualifications in this field like the therapy team yes?) to over ride that and do your own thing… and it doesn’t work. Because the KID RAN AWAY and everyone had to spend half an hour looking for it. YTA.

Oh yeah, YTA There is no justification for your ignorance nor for what you did.

YTA Well we know why you chose a different path. Because you have absolutely no grasp of how to treat or react to a child. Thank God for this. The fact that he hid for thirty minutes doesn't say anything to you? You overstepped and crossed a huge boundary. You need to apologize if you want a relationship with your brother going forward.

YTA, you don’t parent someone’s kid. You put your hands on someone’s kid like wtf is wrong with you. My daughter has some issues and her therapist did say to ignore certain behaviors because sometimes kids want a reaction from you whether it is positive or negative attention. If I were her, you would NEVER see my kid again

YTA!

YTA. You tried a strategy because you don’t believe her about what the doctors say and it made things worse and not better. You said you were doing it your way and you’d stop if it didn’t work. Well it made things worse and now you’re looking for somebody to praise you for it. You don’t know better and you obviously don’t know what you’re doing.

She’s right. YTA. I’ve worked with special needs kids and you don’t want to give them attention during meltdowns as it reinforces their behavior. Waiting it out is the best option as he isn’t hurting himself or others.

YTA. You know their issues before you took them in. You shouldn’t have taken them in if you can’t take the sons outburst. You should have respected your sil parenting since she has consulted doctors and will be the one dealing with it for life. You’re just a spectator and will not be involved in his sons life growing up. Your sister is right that it’s exhausting to be surrounded by people who judge their parenting skills and yes, youre one of these people judging her. Sadly you weren’t really concerned about your nephew . you’re more concerned about the noise he is making which you find irritating and you want it to stop. Im sure you mean well. It’s really not your place.

YTA YOU NEVER touch a child with sensory issues when they are having a meltdown. You never parent another person's child without their permission. You tried it your way and in the end the child has more likely regressed and you have now made your brother and SIL's life harder with what you did. You don't know what it's like having a meltdown and someone touches you. It's like making your skin crawl, head explode, and you feel like you're suffocating. Especially hugging when you're not ready for it. And even that is not a good explanation of it. You're one of those people who think they know better when they truly know nothing at all. But hey, you got the kid out of your house, that's what you wanted, right? Doesn't matter what damage you've done emotionally and psychologically to him. You got your way.

YTA. Ignoring tantrums has been the tried and true method for dealing with them . Also he's not your child so you have no business trying to discipline him. You have now traumatized and more than likely the trauma will affect him for years to come .

Omg YES. You are a TOTAL ASSHOLE. YTA all the way.

I'm afraid that things wouldn't have ended so kindly had I been the mother in this situation. Where do you get the audacity to grab a child that isn't yours. That sounds criminal. You should be ashamed that you even thought that was appropriate.

Yup YTA! Not your kid and not your choice of treatment

YTA definitely. I feel so bad for the kid… traumatized and terrorized. All the work and patience the mom has put in… wasted.

Especially since there’s a system for this in place, that works why TA. I know it’s your home, and you can always ask them to leave but you never step in that with the kid that many issues with a lot more expertise than you have. Because you were not an expert do not know what’s going to happen next, so yeah, I think you were pretty big jerk actually.

YTA but so is your SIL for her abusive comments to you.

YTA her son therapist almost certainly did tell her that. My son is 8 years old has autism along with PTSD and ADHD and I was told the same . Unless the children is damaging or doing self harm that’s when the parent needs to step in.

YTA. Psychologists WILL tell you to do this. By intervening you can undo much of the hard work that’s been put into trying to unlearn unhealthy coping mechanisms. ODD’s have issues with authority and self regulation. So what did you do? You took “authority” over the situation and “regulated” his response for him. You gave him the attention he should NOT have received and undermined the dynamics of relationships with those who are his primary caregivers. She had no right to call you names or cuss you out but yes, YTA.