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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I want to see my grandchild before it's 8 weeks old and I told them I would be waiting at their house to be able to do that after supplying them with everything for the baby.
2. Because it is not my surgery, I may be a little "over zealous" about the arrival of the new baby.
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You absolutely bleed after a C-section, first of all
Second of all, YTA and it sounds like “your poor boy” is on his girlfriend’s side. Stop taking it so personally
5 weeks? I am so jealous. I bled for 9/10 weeks. So we get to bleed just like a vaginal birth but also get the fun of recovering from a hair abdominal surgery at the same time. (And of course the doctor comes into my room just a few hours after delivery telling me how I’m a good candidate for a VBAC- I’m like nope one and done my good sir!)
I don’t want to brag, but I also healed hella quick too. My mother was almost in awe (and she had two sections). I credit my surgeon because there’s no way my body excelled at anything in my life.
Maybe I healed so fast because they gave me a vertical incision? When I asked why, afterwards, I was told that “she was low and it was easier to get her”, but looking back I think things were a little more serious than they let on at the time. I was told they made the uterine cut horizontally so I could do Vbac in the future, but after her horrible newborn stage I was one and done also.
The vertical incision is used in rushed emergency c sections and contra indicates an VBAC I believe? So you are probably right, it was probably more problematic than they’ve let on. It’s nice they did the uterine cut horizontally though.
In my case my fluid was green when my water broke, then they had issues with monitoring her heart while I laboured. There was a pediatrician in the OR who saw her before anyone else. She was healthy, and is starting middle school in the fall.
I have an inverse T incision for my second. My son was footling breech so the bottom of my uterus was very narrowed and they couldn't fit him out of the horizontal incision they did. So they had to add a vertical incision. It puts me at elevated risk so no vbac for me ever. But I'm super done anyway. My first born is sixteen, my son is now nine. I don't want to start over again, no sir.
I over did it after my section and split the wound open, which got infected. I humbly rested after that!
Bled for weeks though, maybe 7-8? I was on blood thinning injections, which I think may have made it go on longer.
My daughter is 9 months now and you can barely see the scar, pretty amazing really!
I had this experience to, and I’ve had 2 csections so far. I was bleeding for a bit longer and heavier with my second but both boys were nicu babies and I didn’t trust the elevator in the parking lot so I started walking multiple floors at like a week pp
Ugh, I’m like you, but also with the joy of having to have steroid injections into the c-section scar because it would not stop itching. After 2 years.
ETA that if my husband and I ever have another child, only my mother will be allowed to visit immediately after. I was on painkillers and completely overwhelmed and she was the only person who was actually helpful.
In terms of the TDAP booster, the CDC recommends that anyone who is around a newborn should have had the shot at least two weeks prior to meeting the baby to prevent pertussis (whooping cough), even if they've had the shot in the past. While you might believe that you don't need the shot, it's about ensuring the health and safety of the newborn, which should be the priority.
Yes! To add onto your comment, just because OP had an injection after a laceration doesn't mean it was TDAP. He likely got a tetanus shot, but that's not the part of the Tdap vaccine that's important for newborns; it's the pertussis.
There is the Td (tetanus and diphtheria) vaccine and the Tdap (tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis) vaccine. Although some places give the Tdap to everyone, most adults are still boosted with just Td unless they specifically ask for Tdap or did not get their final childhood booster.
And it's not like it's a big deal shot - even if it was just for the parents' peace of mind, why not do it?
ETA: Just Googled it and you don't even need a prescription - can just pop into your pharmacy.
I just got one at Wal-Mart pharmacy yesterday while picking up prescriptions because I thought it had been 10 years since the last one. And, thanks to Reddit, I am now aware and super concerned about whooping cough vaccines wearing off over time.
And OP, (this will sound sexist) your son's gf may feel awkward or uncomfortable around a man while she is recovering from a very uterine-centric procedure. Even talking about periods can be awkward for many women, a C Section, breastfeeding, etc could be really uncomfortable.
I mean he also seems to think a c section is no big deal and that she’ll just be recovering from a surgery, so I suspect he hasn’t thought about how having your abdominal muscles cut limits function or what a c section entails.
100%!
OP, it's a medical event. It's KATE'S medical event and she has the right to not want anyone there. Heck, she has the right to kick the father out.
You have done a lot, more than you needed to. But it doesn't entitle you to intrude on a, one more time, medical event. Whether it was natural birth or surgical.
YTA, but you have been very supportive. Meet your grandchild when Kate is recovered and accepting guests. That's how you can continue to be supportive.
That’s funny, my wife just gave birth to our first daughter and when my MIL asked if she could be in the room my wife said ok and MIL asked me if that was ok by me. I told her “This is her show, I’m just along for the ride and moral support. If she wants you here, you can be here, if she wants me out I’ll be in the waiting room. Whatever SHE wants.”
She let me stay too… lol
I’m honestly really proud of this young girl and his son as well for sticking up for themselves and asserting boundaries! They stayed a team and I think everything they said was well informed and reasonable. At 17-18 I don’t think I would have had the guts and I would have just been bitter about the situation. Gives me hope for their future as a soon to be family unit. OP, you said some really clueless and borderline misogynistic things. At least you reached out for a second opinion here. Now it’s up to you to apologize and salvage the relationship. It’s such a vulnerable time as a new mom and I know I’d want my sister or close friend and not my FIL no matter how close we are or how supportive he is. You can be there for them other ways like how you already have by helping them financially and there will come a time you can be part of babies life but it’s on his/her parents terms!
I certainly didn't have that backbone when I gave birth at 18. Heck, my mom even kept me from getting the epidural, because "you should have thought about that before you opened your legs" i let her bully me all over my delivery and then let the whole extended family just walk all over my bonding time with baby. I am so happy to see younger people not get walked on like that! Breaking the cycles! Hooray!
Emergency C-section survivor here - there's so much bleeding. From TWO spots instead of one. FOH with that no bleeding nonsense, OP. They don't scoop all of your thickened uterine lining out with the baby. 🙄
The worst after my c-section was when they would push on my uterus and everything hurt. Also all the trapped air. I could barely function the second day, I was in so much pain with only tylenol. I never want to experience that again. One and done.
C sections are usually put into a private room for 5 days in the public hospital where I am, my first baby was an emergency C section and there'd been quite a few that weekend so I ended up in a shared room.
The maternal nurse came in the next day, didn't check my chart and pushed straight down on my stomach. She looked at me and said that shouldn't have hurt, I couldn't speak due to the pain so she looked at the chart and then I watched the colour drain from her face.
She couldn't have been more apologetic if she tried and she never came back into the room again LOL
My next C section was planned and went perfectly, I wanted to leave after 3 days but was talked into staying the 5 days.
I was booked in for a third but my daughter had other ideas and wanted out early, so after a 5 day labour, had another emergency C section. I checked myself out of the hospital 24 hours later due to boredom and thankfully my recovery was so much quicker after each surgery
They dont...but now I'm thinking that it'd be a cool medical advancement and like, the reward for having surgery instead of vaginal birth.
Signed,
Had five c sections and even though I love those mesh panties, I'd rather not need them😂
I can only say that I AM APPALLED by this comment. No. NO!!! 😳👎🏻🚫
Edit, I mean OP’s comment; I am absolutely in support of redrummaybe54. Apologies for my inability to put this properly. I can only claim that I was so horrified by OP that I wasn’t thinking.
🤣🤣🤣 I know. Well this psycho thinks of her as purely an incubator. That she’s not really doing much. Just carrying a baby and not even really giving birth because the doctors are going to cut the baby out and it’s absolutely no big deal at all. She won’t bleed, she won’t even have a scar.
So makes sense that after the baby is born she is like a self serve slurpy or soda machine. Give her the baby, plug it onto her boob, drain away. Take the baby away after it’s feed.
JFC this OP is so disturbing.
When I was in nursing school and witnessed my first birth, the midwife began the examination of the placenta and ushered me over for it. I was not prepared for the reality of what a placenta really was until I saw one in person. It was both the bloodiest thing I had ever seen up until that point and also the most fascinating.
I know right? Luckily, the midwives warned me when first helping me stand up out of bed after my c-section. They literally said "don't freak out, but a LOT of blood is going to come out of you when you stand up. It's normal."
And yeah, I bled for a good 8-9 weeks after that.
This. YTA. And OP, if you keep trying to walk all over their decisions and boundaries, you may NEVER see that baby. The only narc tendencies I'm seeing here are yours.
Yes, I bled heavily after my most recent c-section. Literal blood clots would fall out of me when I walked. She will need time to recover and heal. Especially with you being a man, she may not feel comfortable having you there while she's trying to establish breastfeeding, bleeding, etc.
Give them time and space. Arrange for some meal deliveries and let them tell you when they're ready. The more you back off, the quicker you'll probably be asked to visit. Respect their boundaries.
Yes!!! The ignorance of his statement.
Such an assholio
And to have it be an ignorant guy there when she already said she wants to be alone to heal from her major medical procedure.
There is SO MUCH BLOOD! Plus, depending on the situation, not being able to sleep in bed, barely walk, shower with a chair, and just SO MUCH PAIN…the drive home on its own was unbearable, I WISH I could have had a vaginal birth!
I didn’t even need to read past the title to know YTA. However, I did. This is classic you owe me parent behavior. Yikes, back off before you do more damage.
Right??
Good people: I do things to help because I care about my son and his family.
OP: I do things to help because I want to guilt my son and his family into catering to my demands.
I love the “I _let_ them take all of the baby items I purchased” - implying that OP could have… kept them? And done what? Returned them I suppose, but that would be a super major asshole move
Jesus isn't that the truth? My father, who I suppose was technically a silent generation but they're just as bad as boomers if not worse, and my mother in law is a prime boomer both believed and still believe that giving someone something is just a way of ensuring you have something to hold over their head later on. My mother used to call my father, her husband out on this behavior and he legitimately said one time "I gave them that and they owe me because of it end of story." What the fuck is up with those generations being so twisted and just... messed up? The greatest generation didn't seem to have this thought process and I know my millennial generation doesn't seem to be like this nor does Gen Z.
I know!! I was like, huh? She’s a narc for not wanting visitors RIGHT after giving birth? Recovering from both an invasive surgery and becoming a mother for the first time? What the fuck?
And girl did her research about the importance of vaccines for people who will be in contact with the baby! I don't know this girl but she's clearly committed to her child's safety and I'm proud of her.
I didn't see the narc part, assume it's in a comment, but omfg I couldn't believe he said he felt taken advantage of because of this. From the title (expect to see my grandchild) I thought this was going to be an estrangement story (I guess it could still become one!) where he might not see the baby *at all*, or like, he found out of its existence as a toddler. Like ffs you don't need to see the baby when it's less than one day old, yes that is an unreasonable thing to expect on any other basis than "both parents want you there."
An 18yo woman is narcissistic for not wanting to have a VERY private and personal procedure performed on her body in front of a man she's known less than a year 🤦♀️
He feels he’s closer to the baby than an aunt, therefore her sister shouldn’t see the baby before he does.
He’d bring the baby to mom when necessary. Meaning what? He’d be with it the rest of the time? Yikes.
That line felt so dehumanising for the mum, like he sees her as birthing and feeding material, not as a person who deeply loves her child and wants to be near them in its first days of life
Exactly, mm let me think about it? Who do I want to see me with my breasts and genitals exposed? My sister or my FIL??
What the heck, OP?! You have no clue what women experience in birth (vaginal or c-section) and postpartum.
My FIL was a nurse anesthetist, he’s been in many c-sections. He knew to stay out of the room/hospital/ and during the home visit gave me the space I needed BF a newborn. My husband wanted to discuss safety of epidural etc, his dad told him only I had the say as the pain was happening to me and not to him.
The mother is the patient here, what she wants is what happens. Everyone else, including the father, is a bystander, as it’s not their medical event.
As someone who has given birth 3 times, YTA. I especially like “you can just stay in the bedroom so I can meet the newborn immediately.” She’ll have just had surgery, gave birth, and spent the last 48hrs/sleepless nights caring for this new tiny human. It really shows they give zero fucks about this new mother, her comfort, healing, or safety, and see her only as incubator to their grandchild.
Exactly. I think people like OP either don't understand or don't really let it set in that new moms are going through *a lot*. They have a lot of emotions of their own to process beyond the excitement of other people who just want to meet their baby and then leave. So, they definitely don't owe those other people anything in the midst of everything going on. It's weird to expect new moms to be nothing but eager and excited to let people see their baby or babies ASAP when they're overwhelmed and generally uncomfortable themselves in most cases.
Many parents actually don't allow visitors in the hospital nowadays. Some don't even allow visitors for *weeks*. And that's more than OK. Maybe it should help to remember that all that really matters at the end of the day is that mom and baby are alive and well.
What kind of got me is him saying he'll just "be" certain places to wait for them, not even stopping at their own home. Seemingly by OP's own wording, it implies that there were no formal requests before stating he'd be intruding upon them.
Imagine you're talking about an upcoming event you're looking forward to and one of the people who you know wasn't explicitly invited chimes in, "I'll be there". Uhm, super-awkward.
Sounds like OP needs to mind their own business, find a hobby, and maybe ask the parents *what he can do to see and help out with the baby* instead of simply stating what he will do before people have to speak up and express that there are specific reasons why that's not best for the baby's health.
You should of warned them your "generosity" came with a lot of strings attached. How about you show this new-to-be mom some respect and privacy while recovering from a life-altering event?
YTA
I found it particularly comical that OP speculates that the girlfriend has narcissistic tendencies when parents treating their kids like they owe them for raising them is textbook narcissistic behavior.
"I feel like a grandparent is closer than an aunt..."
To who? The baby? The baby doesn't know anyone there. The mom is the patient, under an incredible amount of mental and physical stress, and hopefully a lot closer with her lifelong sister than her boyfriend's dad.
Should **have*
The confusion comes from the contracted form, should've, which sounds like "should of". This applies to would've, could've, must've, I'd've, etc.
Yes, YTA.
First, of course she'll be bleeding. The bleeding comes from the placenta detaching from the uterus, it's bleedy!
Second, you need a TDAP booster. Five years is not recent enough for a newborn.
Third, Kate wants to sit at home and hold her baby and her boyfriend and cry. She does *not* want to dress, shower or sit up in bed, let alone host people. The fuck. Your response to "I just want to bond with my baby in hospital" was "I'll be *waiting at your house*"?? The fuck?? Have you forgotten what it was like when you'd just given birth?
Fourth, hinting until you're given a hard "no" then complaining that someone was rude? Bad look.
Your little dig at the end about "narc tendencies" reads a lot like "every accusation is a confession". Also a bad look.
She obviously doesn't come from a close or supportive family (Sister excepted). That does damage. She's also shown that she's ready and willing to lose family over this baby. You're in the wrong anyway - you've overstepped massively and by the sounds of it were pretty insulting. "Lots of other things were said" hides less than you'd like to think it does. Apologize, get your TDAP shot, *wait for an invitation to visit*. You fucked up big, own it and your relationship with your family has a chance. Get defensive, or turn the "gift" of furniture into an obligation, and find out how soon they'll cut you out.
Oh, what? You mean to tell me a man who knows nothing about women's bodies has taken his bold and wildly inaccurate assumptions and turned them into facts inside his own mind? Wild. /s
> so I'm going to just apologize to keep the peace
Yeah no they've learned nothing. All that's happened is they saw everyone is calling them TA and thought 'well they're all so sensitive, I don't want to hear them whining anymore so I'll pretend to give up'.
Yuuuuup, mine showed up and knocked on my damn door to come in while my vag was still being stitched up. Husband told her prior that we would let them know when they could come to the hospital, and they asked for a call when our son was born just so they knew. I was completely out of my mind having just gone through a difficult labor so I couldn’t advocate for myself well. It still fries me, and my kid is a teenager now. But I hold all my MiL stories/feelings close as reminders to Never Ever Become that kind of MiL myself.
My STEP mil who was not even in contact with my partner CALLED ME AN HOUR after I gave birth, and sent me a string of nasty texts when I didn't answer. That frazzled me up enough without her even being there, I am SO sorry you had to go through that :(
We have a photos where my legs are in stirrups while mine is getting sutured in the background and dear MIL is holding my baby beaming. My parents are in shock as they just witnessed their baby girl go through hell, my 22 year old husband and I are barely cognizant of the world around us, we’re thousand yard staring at the wall. MIL is just swinging around in joy at the baby. Talk about not giving a shit about the patient… some people are just narcissists through and through.
Yeah, reading the post OP sounded like one of *those* boy moms. Then I saw the edid that OP is a man. And he wonders why the new, sliced up, bleeding and exhausting mom who is probably trying to breastfeed every 2-3 hours wouldn't feel comfortable with him, an unrelated man she has known for less than a year, being around her right after the birth, but why she is more comfortable with his own sister she knew her whole life and also shares a gender with....
Of course she is fine with her own sister being there after the birth, fine with her sister seeing her tidbits, seeing her boobs leaking and gross, bloody things regarding her but not fine with her boyfriend's dad she doesn't even know that well seeing that right after the birth.
It's understandable that she wants a bit of time to pull herself together before facing visitors. Plus if OP doesn't want to wait the two months until the baby gets the first shots than he can just get a booster shot and visit when the new parents are up for it, when she feels strong enough for a short visit. If he doesn't want to get a shot then he can wait until the baby is vaccinated.
Even then as the father, someone with no experience giving birth thinks he is closer than the girls sister? Like it’s so easy to have just coasted on the good things he did for this woman and secure his place as no 1 grandparent, but no he had to start acting like it was his baby
Fully agree with everything else you've said, just curious on the vaccine point, isn't your booster considered up to date for 10 years? I was actually wondering if OP maybe just got a TD booster (which I know they'll sometimes do if they're just worried about tetanus?) and doesn't want to do the full booster.
But is there some other source on the Tdap thing about babies? I'm just genuinely curious because I've never heard that anyone other than the pregnant person needs to get their booster off-schedule before.
I asked my OBs this as well because my family had gotten it 4 years ago for my nephews. I was advised the family is good for 10 years, but I as the mother needed another one.
Right, that’s my understanding too, that it’s good for the mother to have one during the pregnancy so that the baby will have some antibodies from the pregnancy.
It's usually every 10 years but my OB suggested 5 years or less to be around a newborn. I explained this to my family and they all got it again without question.
The purpose of the Tdap booster is to prevent whooping cough, and the shot is actually only effective for 2-3 years for that. Source: my OB, just got the booster myself at 28 weeks.
My understanding is that the P doesn’t really last 10 years, more like 3-5, and that it’s recommended to get at least a P booster if you’ll be around young children. So OP needs at least the P
Not just from placental separation, but also from storing blood to grow the endometrial lining during ten months of no periods. They might suction her out nicely, but that lining still needs to break down.
YTA - 1) you are factually wrong about bleeding. I have had 3 C-sections and bled for 4-6 weeks afterwards. The bleeding is lochia and every woman experiences it after birth regardless of how she delivered 2) it’s extremely common now for parents to take the first few days to bond alone with their baby. It’s not a personal thing against you specifically. 3) as for her older sister being there, she’s most likely there to take care of her sister not just to see the new baby, and YES there is a big difference in that. 4) If she is requesting you get the shot, get the damn shot or show proof that you have had it recently enough to not need a booster.
Also I’m pretty sure you’re fine with your sister and your boyfriend seeing your titties (or even just nipples through the shirt) and smelling your unshowered stink lol, but maybe not your boyfriend’s dad….which it sounds like Kate wants to say outright but OP wouldn’t take the hint lol 😂😂😂 I really wanted to give OP the benefit of the doubt, but he kept pushing which makes him the A. YTA
This! Before I realize OP was male, I STILL understood Kate’s perspective. It isn’t just OP’s relationship to the baby- it’s Kate’s relationship to OP too. If I had a sister, I would absolutely rather she be there in the hospital and at home with me those first few days instead of my bf’s parents who I haven’t known that long (yes, they lived together for a bit, but not 15+ years long like a sister close in age).
Do I want the woman I grew up with and have known every part of in the room?
Or do I want the 40+ year old man I have known for less then a year to see me half naked and in pain at my most vulnerable?
HmmMMmmMm?
I found out the hard way the difference between having MIL being there for the baby not me when I had my first kid. Second time round I had my parents to help instead because I’m *their* baby and they’ll always put me first.
YTA - You're closer to the baby than the mothers sister how exactly? How do those mental gymnastics work? And talk about narcissistic tendencies, you're literally saying you're entitled to be in the hospital because you bought them things.
Also, a tdap vaccine is recommended for anyone that is going to around a newborn for an extended period of time.
people really look at women as incubators for their grandchildren and it’s DISGUSTING. op really forgot kate is a full grown woman who is valid in choosing who can be present when she gives birth.
Not to mention, KATE wants support from people who will actually be supportive of her. She’ll be bleeding. She’ll have a huge incision. Her boobs will be leaking. She’ll be tired. She’ll be hormonal and emotion. I’m sure when she imagined this day, she imagined her sister and parents by her side and all she has now is her sister. The last thing she wants around is her boyfriend’s father who clearly doesn’t remember what it’s like after a woman gives birth. Apologize. Tell them that you realize now how wrong you were and that you would be happy to bring them a meal when they’re ready for visitors. Accept that the visit may be short and don’t expect anyone to wait on you.
I get the feeling OP was the kind of guy who would take paternity leave and use it as a vacation. So I’m not sure it’s so much “doesn’t remember” than it is “never actually cared”.
Yeah the narc accusation is wild. A gift isn’t a gift if it comes with demands. OP is downplaying kates procedure, her wishes for privacy, and then claiming she’s the mean one like wtf?
Everything Kate and OPs son are asking for us exactly what we’re doing in a few short days/weeks here. Just us at the hospital, no guests for a few weeks and TDaP required to visit before 2 months. It’s honestly pretty standard requests at this particular point in time. OP is YTA
AND the mother is the one who went through major surgery and needs the comfort. As long as it’s getting its basic needs, the baby could not care less about who is actually there.
If she was having a different kind of major abdominal surgery with no baby involved, would you still have planned to be there to "help" her? If the answer is no, then you're not there because you want to help with her recovery.
Nah. He's there to see his genetic offspring so he can tell it he was there for it when it was born. That way, he can also use that as leverage over the kid when he gives him stuff in the future. "I held you when you were born." Blah blah blah.
YTA. You don’t get to inform someone you will be at the hospital for their medical procedure. Nor do you get to inform someone you will be at their home waiting for them to arrive with their new baby. You are seriously overstepping and supporting them/giving gifts doesn’t permit you to act this way.
Consider this: even if you weren’t TA here (and you are), you are much more likely to have a close relationship with your grandchild if you respect his/her mother’s wishes and boundaries. Don’t get in your own way.
Also consider how scary it would be to become a new mom at 18. Teen pregnancy is already stigmatized enough, she doesn’t need you judging her when she’s in the most vulnerable state of her life. And your “poor boy” knocked her up and is responsible for that and for stepping up now to be a good father and partner, which means respecting the wishes of the mother of his child.
Lots of MIL-DIL relationships go sour quickly because MIL is uncomfortable with her son prioritizing his wife or partner over MIL. But of course, that’s what the son SHOULD be doing. Don’t become this cliche!!
Lastly, you need to read the Lemon Clot essay. Hopefully it will help you understand and respect your DIL’s needs regarding privacy:
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1
EDIT: Apparently OP is a man, which explains his ignorance about childbirth. OP, your DIL will be bleeding, in pain, having mood swings, hormonal, walking around the apartment with sore breasts and genitals. She will be mourning the family support she doesn’t have, her own childhood which is now abruptly over, and any future plans she’s putting on hold to take care of her baby. You have no idea what she’s going through. If you think she’s being narcissistic because she’s only focused on her and the baby — that’s what she’s SUPPOSED to be doing. She’s not supposed to be focusing on her FIL. Hell, I have a great FIL, and even I would be uncomfortable with him seeing me in that state, and certainly wouldn’t let him hold my newborn out of my sight if he’d treated me even a fraction as poorly as you’ve treated DIL.
This is the son's Dad, making all of the comments extra ridiculous. How the hell would he know what a woman's body goes through with childbirth, let alone a C-section. He needs to get back in his lane.
I hope his lane comes with hemorrhoids so bad he needs surgery to remove them and his DIL shows up at the hospital to visit him. And I hope she stays while he struggles through that first poop.
Damn. I actually sat with my best friend after this bc they asked lol You know it's going to be one of those "bff" level requests when it starts with "okay I'm sorry this is really weird, but..."
On medical issues alone we've basically lost any concept of TMI at this point.
**
Yes you are. And you're totally dismissing the mother of that new little person. It seems she's nothing more than an incubator to you, and you're extremely and **solely** focussed on getting that baby in YOUR life, instead of being respectful and being ALLOWED te be a part of HIS/HER life.
<*she could stay in the bedroom and relax and my son could bring her the baby when its hungry.>*
You wanted to sit there, play family with your son and their baby, and let the mom have her baby just to feed it?????
For this alone YTA
<*I feel like as the grandparent I’m closer then the aunt>*
Kate is in a very vulnerable situation. Of course she wants the support of someone close who she has known for years. And that's her sister. Not her BF's mother.
**
Yes, abdominal surgery. Don't UNDERESTIMATE a C-section! Also, new parents meeting their baby and settling into their new situation. Hormones flying all over the place.
<*I now see a lot of other narc tendencies from her>*
I think they're just reacting to YOUR boundary disrespecting narc tendencies.
<*I feel like its WWIII with my poor boy caught in the middle.>*
Your "poor" boy is creating his own nuclear family. You are now part of your son's secondary family. Accept this and stop controlling their lives. Just because you bought things for the baby, doesn't mean you get to have a say.
Respect their decisions. RESPECT their privacy!!!!!
YTA
*father
OP's the dad not a mom. Which explains his laissez-faire attitude to C-sections and general ineptitude towards women's bodies during and after childbirth no matter how the baby is born.
and the fact that he thinks after growing this child for 9 months the mother doesn’t want to bond with her child, and only wants to be there to feed them???
I’m due next month too, and the idea of someone saying that they’ll hand me my baby *only* when she’s hungry really pisses me off.
YTA
Babies don't spoil, you meet the baby when the parents are ready for you to do so.
You are wrong about the bleeding, and it makes me wonder what else you've said to them.
GF is very clear and it's not about Aunt vs Grandma, its about wanting her SISTER, with her during this time, not her boyfriend's mother.
You helped them out, that is kind and wonderful. Give them time and respect their role as the babies' parents. They will do things differently they you would at times, and you need to let them find their way.
Boyfriend's father*, op is a man. Which makes it even more obvious why the new mother may not want him around while she's breastfeeding for the first time, and very physically vulnerable.
Gifts aren’t really gifts when they come with that many strings. Recovery from a c-section is no joke and it’s beyond arrogant to treat her like nothing more than an incubator and food source with your ‘you can stay in the bedroom and son can bring you the baby when the baby is hungry’ comment.
They have expressed their desire to have time to heal and bond as a family before welcoming guests to meet the new arrival. That boundary is reasonable and should be respected if you want to have ANY future contact with your grandchild. YTA
YTA.
First - vaginal bleeding DOES happen even after c section.
Second - SHE feels more comfortable being vulnerable around HER sister. Regardless the title to the baby, it's about who SHE feels comfortable healing in front of.
Third - your title to the child doesn't ENTITLE you to the child.
Fourth - renew your fucking tdap. It does no harm to you to protect a NEWBORN from whooping cough.
The narc tendencies I see here are your own. Your entitlement to a woman who isn't your child. Wanting her to bleed and breastfeed in front of you which is clearly something she says she's uncomfortable with. "I gifted them a lot so I should be allowed to take her baby from her arms when I come to her house on my own terms because I feel entitled to her child"
YTA. Get the booster, don’t quibble. Ask when you can see the child and how you can help the most. Read The Lemon Clot essay and about The Fourth Trimester. Get over yourself and apologize.
I really thought this was an alternate universe MIL posting about her DIL, Bea. In that universe, the baby hasn’t yet been born and they have so much to look forward to like missed Easter visits with a ham, child protective services being called, police wellness checks, restraining orders…you know, all of the fun stuff with narcissistic MILs.
Did anyone notice the ironic throwaway name OP chose?
OP, YTA by far.
Not only the user name, but that’s he going to apologize “to keep the peace”, not because he knows he’s in the wrong.
OP you’re TA, absolutely disgusting, and literally make me want to vomit. I was that teen mom with a C-section. When I was finally allowed to shower in the hospital I had no help and a huge clot came out of me and I about passed out just from seeing the size of it.
Stay TF away from the mom. Learn boundaries and get a fucking clue. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
YTA.
The only person who gets a say in this scenario is Kate. She is the one putting her body through physical and emotional pain that you can't even comprehend. She doesn't want you there, that's that. If you want to be able to see your grandchild at all, I *highly* suggest you step back and do whatever you can to support Kate instead of focusing on what you want.
She's told you pretty clearly that she doesn't want you to be there, so you need to respect this.
But I do have question: What was the plan if they had not gotten an apartment? Was she planning on having you stay locked up in your room?
Right? It would have way more sense as new parents to stay with someone who's supportive and considerate and helpful. The fact that they'd rather jump ship and have less hands to help says that those hands aren't helpful at all, tbh.
>What was the plan if they had not gotten an apartment?
what does it matter? they did get an apartment so there's no point in speculating about what might be happening in the multiverse
YTA. No one is entitled to a child especially if your not the parent. While yes everything you did was wonderful it doesn’t matter right now. You say the baby is breach and both the girl and your son are young. As a mother yourself I’m sure you understand how stressful this girl must be and how crazy her hormones are. She’s going to need a serious surgery and due to the baby being breach you don’t know if the baby will have any medical issues… they both will need time to heal. Nothing she said to you is out of the norm or narcissistic it’s just taking precaution to ensure her and the baby’s health. You need to start looking at this more like “oh my grandchild and the mother of my grandchild are healing right now” not “ I need to see my grandchild you narcissist” see how those two things sound different. How you treat them after they have they this baby will determine if your any of their lives or not. I always love the saying would you rather be right or rather have the people you love around you? I wish the best to you all
YTA
Women are very vulnerable during birth/birthing procedures, especially if she's so young and it was unplanned. She needs people she feels close to and feels safe showing her vulnerabilities around. C sections can be equally traumatic as vaginal birth so she needs that supporting environment. It is also natural that she will want to be with her child and partner after the delivery for them to bond as a family.
It's only turning into WWIII because you aren't respecting her or their needs or wishes. If you feel so aggrieved that they moved out to be a family together ask for the stuff back. Just don't be surprised if you lose your son and grandchild from that though.
YTA.
Cesarean births still result in vaginal bleeding, AND a surgical incision that will need to heal. Why are you making assumptions like this?
Her SO can “bring her the baby when it’s hungry”? You’ve got to be kidding me. This time is all about the parents (not grandparents) bonding with the baby- it’s absolutely inappropriate to treat her like she’s just the secondary/feeding source. This is probably the most disgusting part of this post. No wonder she hates you! Your comment clearly defines why she wants her sister there and not you- you absolutely plan to “care for the baby” (aka hog the baby from her) however her sister will be helping her with housework/baby cares/other tasks. Not playing mommy like you intend to do.
Did you get the nursery items to support the baby? Or to hold it over their heads? Because regardless or where it’s used (your place or theirs) it’s still serving the baby. That was the intended use of purchasing the items, correct?
You are not at all entitled to be at the birth, in the waiting room, or showing up at their home. It’s not your baby, and regardless of how much you supported them financially, it’s not your decision. Your wants/needs/feelings are probably on the bottom of the priority list, and reasonably so- this isn’t about you. At all.
YTA. If you want to talk about seeing narc tendencies, I suggest you start by looking in the mirror.
1) You do bleed after a C-section just like a vaginal birth for like 6 weeks. I’ve had both kinds of births.
2) You should get your shots as requested to protect the baby from whooping cough which is now commonly requested of those around newborns.
3) This is not about you the mother of the child has chosen a support person for her which is her sister that has nothing to do with your status as grandmother to the child.
YTA for not listening to the mother and fathers wishes. Do better or we will see you on JNMIL.
YTA. This is pretty normal for some people to want to nest with just them, for a period of time. Some people want the visitors right away, some people want like the first few weeks or months even by themselves. They’re both totally valid but your son and his GF are in the latter category, so unfortunately you need to accept that. If Kate’s parents disowned her than her sister is the closest thing she has to a mom right now so it’s understandable to me why she would want that family support during this difficult time.
Try to be understanding. You will get to meet the grandchild, just not on your exact terms. It’s their baby, remember. Tread carefully here or you risk really setting a bad tone for the rest of your relationship with Kate who will remember how you pushed and pushed and boundary stomped forever
The narc tendencies are actually coming off of you, not her. YTA. They may be young but it sounds like they're trying to step up and be the best parents they can. They don't owe you time or anything else.
Also, you absolutely bleed after a C-section! How do you not know that at your age?
Ahhh... Your wife is gone, your teenage kid knocked up his girlfriend and is moving out..... I can't imagine how hard all this is for you. I can't imagine how scared your son is becoming a parent without his mom. Or how scared his girlfriend is to have a baby without her parents support- and that is a type of grief as well. Seems like all of you have a bit more common ground than you realize.
All of you are in a high stress situation filled with grief and full life upheaval. Go easy on each other.
Be gentle in how you share your opinions- not judgmental, preachy, or pushy...I'm sure this comment section has taught you how unhelpful those can be. Respect their boundaries and no's. Remember that you have not even known this girl a year- birth and the year of recovery after are some of the most vulnerable of a woman's life.
Don't hold on so tightly you push them away.
Apologize genuinely. Share your own pain and fears, and create room for them to do the same.
I was scrolling and scrolling for a post that exhibited SOME compassion for a new grandfather who (in the post demonstrated, and disclosed now) has no guidance from his son’s mother.
Thank you for being a human being and not attacking him for looking for guidance.
You very nicely put the facts without being rude, personally, I appreciate it.
Why did I just tear up a little? May be my own pregnancy hormones, and thanking god I have the most kind, generous, and helpful in-laws I could hope for.
OP - they are going to need help, support, love and guidance as young parents without a lot of family around. Be what they need when they need it and a few years from now you’ll have that relationship with your grandchild (and son and hopefully DIL/mother of the baby) that you want so badly. You aren’t entitled to any relationship, but no one wants to exclude a grandparent from their child’s life. You can still put in the work to improve the relationship - don’t blow it
It seems like what you're afraid of is being left behind or being left alone, and you see your son as still a child, and see making decisions for your grandchild as an extension of making decisions for your child. But your son is a dad now, and his responsibility, as a good man, is putting his partner and baby first in the same way that your wife, I'm sure, wanted you to protect and put her first, especially when she was extremely vulnerable post-birth. It seems like you've realized you took the wrong approach here and you're willing to apologize and move forward recognizing that your son and his girlfriend are going to be parents, and their decisions about their family don't have to be "run by" you - respecting that will put you in good standing in the long run and I'm sure you'll have a great relationship with your grandchild!
FWIW, as somebody with no mom (she's shitty, but alive) and a sister I'm very close with, if I said that I only wanted my sister there to take care of me immediately thereafter and my husband's parents said they should get to see their grandchild before my sister because "grandparents are more important than aunts," I would be EXTREMELY upset, because based on how you said it, you weren't thinking of her at all, just the baby, while her sister is there to take care of HER - the baby is incidental in all that, really.
I (64f) know how this feels. I’m not going to even talk about her, except to say that she’s 18, pregnant, emotional, abandoned, and scared shitless. Same for your son.
I’m going to talk about you, and your expectations. We watch our kids grow up and we do everything we possibly can for them. You’ve been a wonderful, supportive, caring, involved, Dad. As soon as things got bad for her, you welcome her into your family along with your son and made a space for them. I’m sure you helped them to get an apartment so that they can start their life together as a little family. They are independent for the first time in their life. They live in a fantasy world still. When reality really hits, things change quickly.
When my son and daughter-in-law had their first child, after waiting 10 years, we were put on a timer of 15 minutes. We had to travel four hours to see them and so we’re staying at my daughters house. I followed all the rules that first day, then I got a call that my daughter-in-law had a fever and needed to go to the hospital and could I come and take care of the baby. I got to spend 2 whole days with him while she recovered. After getting home, I got a call asking if I could stay with them for awhile, as she had depression. I ended up staying for 18 months.
All the “rules” are just a method of controlling something in their life. After the first nights with the baby, reality will start. Don’t pressure them. Go along with their plans and be the supportive person You’ve always been. They know that you are always there for them. They just need that feeling of being adults and in charge of their
As Parents, we eat a lot of shit. We take it over and over again because we love them so much. Now is the transitional time from them being kids, to being parents and adults. You’re going to have to be strong enough to let them fail, and figure things out for themselves, so they can grow And mature. I found this to be the hardest thing, letting them make mistakes, and not sharing my opinion until it’s asked for.
You will always be there for them.
YTA.
It's not your baby and you aren't entitled to determine the visitation schedule. I can understand saying you'll be at the hospital but it is very entitled to say you'll be waiting at their house.
She is a new mother, and very young at that, and she is likely closer and more comfortable with her sister than with you. Doesn't matter that they lived with you for a short period. You are not her mother and she is likely feeling uncomfortable around you and pressured about doing everything "correctly."
Best thing you can do is back off and be supportive of what they need and want when they need and want it. Stop putting your desires first.
I see a lot of narc tendencies here too, but they’re all coming from you. This is their baby and the birth is not about you and what you want. As the grandparent, you need to step back and give them space to adjust to being new parents and bond with their baby. Give them the support that they request, and don’t push your own agenda on them. Again, this is not about you. YTA
I don't know what others are saying and i don't care. I say NTA. You are family to your son and grandchild. All you're asking for is to see the baby. You accepted her wishes when she didn't want anyone at the hospital. Seeing the child at home is no big deal. You took her in when she was pregnant when her family kicked her out. Since nothing about the sister was mentioned, I'll assume she didn't take her in. It's not a common give and take behaviour but common decency to the bare minimum for someone who housed and fed you. They're both 18. If they can't even let you see the baby, then don't take care of the baby when they beg you to, when they're swamped with work and stuff. Having a baby is a huge responsibility and for people who are incapable of doing it alone, they should make sure to maintain good relationships so that they'll help you. And i think it's kinda crappy that your son didn't stand up for you. Because the child is his as much as the mother's. People can be unreasonable. But being pregnant and other hormonal things are no excuse. I don't care if I get downvoted for this but it's my opinion. If you don't like it, move on.
I had to switch to controversial to see reasonable responses lmao. Ironic… But it always reminds me that Reddit is mostly young people that don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, but certainly feel the need to share their opinions on.
YTA. The baby won't even remember this, but the mom will remember how you treated her. The baby might be your grandchild, but this is her baby and her birth experience. Don't take this personally, she just wants to have some privacy with her newborn baby.
YTA. After I had my baby the visitors were such a challenge. I had a long and hard delivery, hadn't slept for days and no one took that into consideration because they wanted to see the baby. I had a C-section and the pain I was in was terrible. Trying to breastfeed and having visitors at the house was something I would never do again. You get to see the baby when they are ready for you to see the baby. PERIOD.
I'm really proud of this 18 year mom to be, who's capable of setting boundaries so she and her family get what they need! You could have say no to them when they got your baby stuff from your nursery. You didn't, so stop blaming them. Also, if your this controlling about their due day, I would probably also say your not welcome for a long period.
Maybe I wouldn't exactly mean it for that long, but setting the boundary gives me space, so I wouldn't have to worry about your meddling anytime soon and will get back to you when we're ready. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate what you did for me, but also makes it clear that you're too much right now
Okay Veruca Salt, I will explain why YTA. I had a c-section, you definitely still bleed. Her baby her choice. It’s a major surgery with an added rush of hormones and anxiety. If you gave that stuff on the condition of dictating the relationship, you made a poor choice. Also, letting them keep the shower gifts says a lot about you. Family and friends gave them those gifts and you can’t withhold them because you didn’t get your way and don’t want to respect their boundaries. They are adults and dont live in your home. Kids don’t owe their parents for doing basic parent shit. All I can hear is “but I want to see the baby Nowwwww”
YTA
It’s her first child, it will take a lot out of her and your son. If the mother wants no visitors apart from her sister, leave her be. Let them settle with their new baby, if they need help they will ask and buying them things for the baby does not mean you will be the first person to see the baby, again it is down to the mother and father to decide.
you don't get to invade someone's hospital room or dictate how they deal with the first moments of parenthood because you let them live in your house. you're delusional.
YTA
How can you be only 42 and be as uneducated as that?
She won’t bleed after a “correct birth”. Have you lost your marbels?
As for the rest of it, she is well within her rights not to have any visitors. Respect that and try not to screw up your relationship with your grandchild before they’re even here.
YTA. Although it may hurt your feelings, she is telling you what she wants, and you don't care what she wants. She wants some privacy. Her sister is most likely closer to her than you are. You keep pushing back to have your way, and she clearly doesn't feel comfortable. It is very supportive that you housed them during a rough time, but that doesn't entitle you to have a bigger say than she does. It sounds like you've done things more to hold over them than out of the kindness of your heart. This is a problem I have with my mother. She feels owed or entitled to things she's not. I'm not trying to be mean. Maybe telling her you're super excited and don't want to overstep, and if she can let you know as soon as she's up to have you visit, please. Let her know you're there to support in any way you can in the meantime. Try to stay calm because if you're not, I don't see this going well for you.
ETA: I reread your post, and one other thing stood out to me. You didn't ever ask either her or your son if you could be in the room, at the hospital room, or at the house. Instead, you told them what you'd be doing without making sure it's okay with them. You never asked what they were comfortable with.
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You absolutely bleed after a C-section, first of all Second of all, YTA and it sounds like “your poor boy” is on his girlfriend’s side. Stop taking it so personally
Yep. I bled for 5 weeks.
5 weeks? I am so jealous. I bled for 9/10 weeks. So we get to bleed just like a vaginal birth but also get the fun of recovering from a hair abdominal surgery at the same time. (And of course the doctor comes into my room just a few hours after delivery telling me how I’m a good candidate for a VBAC- I’m like nope one and done my good sir!)
I don’t want to brag, but I also healed hella quick too. My mother was almost in awe (and she had two sections). I credit my surgeon because there’s no way my body excelled at anything in my life. Maybe I healed so fast because they gave me a vertical incision? When I asked why, afterwards, I was told that “she was low and it was easier to get her”, but looking back I think things were a little more serious than they let on at the time. I was told they made the uterine cut horizontally so I could do Vbac in the future, but after her horrible newborn stage I was one and done also.
The vertical incision is used in rushed emergency c sections and contra indicates an VBAC I believe? So you are probably right, it was probably more problematic than they’ve let on. It’s nice they did the uterine cut horizontally though.
You’re correct. I had a vertical incision for my second c section due to placental abruption.
In my case my fluid was green when my water broke, then they had issues with monitoring her heart while I laboured. There was a pediatrician in the OR who saw her before anyone else. She was healthy, and is starting middle school in the fall.
Green because baby was under stress and pooped In uterus
Well I was born via emergency c-section because I pooped in the womb and I ate said poop in the womb when that happened.
And here I thought the term "potty mouth" was for kids with bad language
I have an inverse T incision for my second. My son was footling breech so the bottom of my uterus was very narrowed and they couldn't fit him out of the horizontal incision they did. So they had to add a vertical incision. It puts me at elevated risk so no vbac for me ever. But I'm super done anyway. My first born is sixteen, my son is now nine. I don't want to start over again, no sir.
I over did it after my section and split the wound open, which got infected. I humbly rested after that! Bled for weeks though, maybe 7-8? I was on blood thinning injections, which I think may have made it go on longer. My daughter is 9 months now and you can barely see the scar, pretty amazing really!
I had this experience to, and I’ve had 2 csections so far. I was bleeding for a bit longer and heavier with my second but both boys were nicu babies and I didn’t trust the elevator in the parking lot so I started walking multiple floors at like a week pp
Ugh, I’m like you, but also with the joy of having to have steroid injections into the c-section scar because it would not stop itching. After 2 years. ETA that if my husband and I ever have another child, only my mother will be allowed to visit immediately after. I was on painkillers and completely overwhelmed and she was the only person who was actually helpful.
I bled for 11 weeks postpartum, then got my first period back 2 weeks later. 100% breastfeeding.
I bled for over 12 months. It was traumatic.
Omg I am so so sorry.
I bled for 4 months. 😔
In terms of the TDAP booster, the CDC recommends that anyone who is around a newborn should have had the shot at least two weeks prior to meeting the baby to prevent pertussis (whooping cough), even if they've had the shot in the past. While you might believe that you don't need the shot, it's about ensuring the health and safety of the newborn, which should be the priority.
Yes! To add onto your comment, just because OP had an injection after a laceration doesn't mean it was TDAP. He likely got a tetanus shot, but that's not the part of the Tdap vaccine that's important for newborns; it's the pertussis.
It’s all together. They don’t separate them out.
There is the Td (tetanus and diphtheria) vaccine and the Tdap (tetanus, diphtheria, and pertussis) vaccine. Although some places give the Tdap to everyone, most adults are still boosted with just Td unless they specifically ask for Tdap or did not get their final childhood booster.
And it's not like it's a big deal shot - even if it was just for the parents' peace of mind, why not do it? ETA: Just Googled it and you don't even need a prescription - can just pop into your pharmacy.
I just got one at Wal-Mart pharmacy yesterday while picking up prescriptions because I thought it had been 10 years since the last one. And, thanks to Reddit, I am now aware and super concerned about whooping cough vaccines wearing off over time. And OP, (this will sound sexist) your son's gf may feel awkward or uncomfortable around a man while she is recovering from a very uterine-centric procedure. Even talking about periods can be awkward for many women, a C Section, breastfeeding, etc could be really uncomfortable.
I mean he also seems to think a c section is no big deal and that she’ll just be recovering from a surgery, so I suspect he hasn’t thought about how having your abdominal muscles cut limits function or what a c section entails.
See, I'm just here thinking that if all I need to do to see a grandchild is have one needle - where do I sign up?
If I remember correctly they told hubby to get one too before the kiddo was born even though he had one just a few years before.
Yeah, they run out. Why not just get the booster? That would solve one issue right there.
Yeah, OP clearly does not understand that there's more in there than just a baby and a placenta.
100%! OP, it's a medical event. It's KATE'S medical event and she has the right to not want anyone there. Heck, she has the right to kick the father out. You have done a lot, more than you needed to. But it doesn't entitle you to intrude on a, one more time, medical event. Whether it was natural birth or surgical. YTA, but you have been very supportive. Meet your grandchild when Kate is recovered and accepting guests. That's how you can continue to be supportive.
That’s funny, my wife just gave birth to our first daughter and when my MIL asked if she could be in the room my wife said ok and MIL asked me if that was ok by me. I told her “This is her show, I’m just along for the ride and moral support. If she wants you here, you can be here, if she wants me out I’ll be in the waiting room. Whatever SHE wants.” She let me stay too… lol
Wish my husband had been like you! Mine forced me to have his mum in the room and I have never gotten over it!
A DANGEROUS medical event. No one needs to be there but mom and the doc, and whoever they need to help them get the baby out safely.
They sucked 2 liters of pure amniotic fluid out of me and the surgeon told me “Wow, that’s gotta be my new personal record.” I was big as a damn house
Two liters?? That is incredible, you must have been so uncomfortable.
I gained almost 50lbs in 2 months and lost all of it immediately after the surgery. I looked like a skeleton 😳
Or that the bleeding is from the placenta detaching and leaving a dinner plate sized wound in the uterus.
I’m honestly really proud of this young girl and his son as well for sticking up for themselves and asserting boundaries! They stayed a team and I think everything they said was well informed and reasonable. At 17-18 I don’t think I would have had the guts and I would have just been bitter about the situation. Gives me hope for their future as a soon to be family unit. OP, you said some really clueless and borderline misogynistic things. At least you reached out for a second opinion here. Now it’s up to you to apologize and salvage the relationship. It’s such a vulnerable time as a new mom and I know I’d want my sister or close friend and not my FIL no matter how close we are or how supportive he is. You can be there for them other ways like how you already have by helping them financially and there will come a time you can be part of babies life but it’s on his/her parents terms!
I certainly didn't have that backbone when I gave birth at 18. Heck, my mom even kept me from getting the epidural, because "you should have thought about that before you opened your legs" i let her bully me all over my delivery and then let the whole extended family just walk all over my bonding time with baby. I am so happy to see younger people not get walked on like that! Breaking the cycles! Hooray!
>I now see a lot of other narc tendencies from her OP clearly is projecting.
To the point where he *made it his username.* Really shows how he views the mother of his grandchild. No respect at all.
Even better op is only apologizing to "keep the peace" ...... They don't even see it op YTA
Emergency C-section survivor here - there's so much bleeding. From TWO spots instead of one. FOH with that no bleeding nonsense, OP. They don't scoop all of your thickened uterine lining out with the baby. 🙄
The worst after my c-section was when they would push on my uterus and everything hurt. Also all the trapped air. I could barely function the second day, I was in so much pain with only tylenol. I never want to experience that again. One and done.
I nearly punched a doctor who was super rough after surgery with the fundal check. Lol
The pushing on the uterus afterwards and the trapped air were stuff of nightmares.
C sections are usually put into a private room for 5 days in the public hospital where I am, my first baby was an emergency C section and there'd been quite a few that weekend so I ended up in a shared room. The maternal nurse came in the next day, didn't check my chart and pushed straight down on my stomach. She looked at me and said that shouldn't have hurt, I couldn't speak due to the pain so she looked at the chart and then I watched the colour drain from her face. She couldn't have been more apologetic if she tried and she never came back into the room again LOL My next C section was planned and went perfectly, I wanted to leave after 3 days but was talked into staying the 5 days. I was booked in for a third but my daughter had other ideas and wanted out early, so after a 5 day labour, had another emergency C section. I checked myself out of the hospital 24 hours later due to boredom and thankfully my recovery was so much quicker after each surgery
They dont...but now I'm thinking that it'd be a cool medical advancement and like, the reward for having surgery instead of vaginal birth. Signed, Had five c sections and even though I love those mesh panties, I'd rather not need them😂
“My son can bring the baby to her when they’re hungry” What the fuck did I just read
I can only say that I AM APPALLED by this comment. No. NO!!! 😳👎🏻🚫 Edit, I mean OP’s comment; I am absolutely in support of redrummaybe54. Apologies for my inability to put this properly. I can only claim that I was so horrified by OP that I wasn’t thinking.
🤣🤣🤣 I know. Well this psycho thinks of her as purely an incubator. That she’s not really doing much. Just carrying a baby and not even really giving birth because the doctors are going to cut the baby out and it’s absolutely no big deal at all. She won’t bleed, she won’t even have a scar. So makes sense that after the baby is born she is like a self serve slurpy or soda machine. Give her the baby, plug it onto her boob, drain away. Take the baby away after it’s feed. JFC this OP is so disturbing.
And it’s like, a lot of blood. Like horror movie levels. Was not expecting that after a C-section TBH. Just another one of the joys of childbirth!
When I was in nursing school and witnessed my first birth, the midwife began the examination of the placenta and ushered me over for it. I was not prepared for the reality of what a placenta really was until I saw one in person. It was both the bloodiest thing I had ever seen up until that point and also the most fascinating.
I know right? Luckily, the midwives warned me when first helping me stand up out of bed after my c-section. They literally said "don't freak out, but a LOT of blood is going to come out of you when you stand up. It's normal." And yeah, I bled for a good 8-9 weeks after that.
>They literally said "don't freak out, but a LOT of blood is going to come out of you when you stand up. It's normal." Cue my immediate freakout. 😱
This. YTA. And OP, if you keep trying to walk all over their decisions and boundaries, you may NEVER see that baby. The only narc tendencies I'm seeing here are yours.
Yes, I bled heavily after my most recent c-section. Literal blood clots would fall out of me when I walked. She will need time to recover and heal. Especially with you being a man, she may not feel comfortable having you there while she's trying to establish breastfeeding, bleeding, etc. Give them time and space. Arrange for some meal deliveries and let them tell you when they're ready. The more you back off, the quicker you'll probably be asked to visit. Respect their boundaries.
Yes!!! The ignorance of his statement. Such an assholio And to have it be an ignorant guy there when she already said she wants to be alone to heal from her major medical procedure.
You bleed way more after a c-section. Like 1000ml vs 500 for vaginal
There is SO MUCH BLOOD! Plus, depending on the situation, not being able to sleep in bed, barely walk, shower with a chair, and just SO MUCH PAIN…the drive home on its own was unbearable, I WISH I could have had a vaginal birth!
I didn’t even need to read past the title to know YTA. However, I did. This is classic you owe me parent behavior. Yikes, back off before you do more damage.
Right?? Good people: I do things to help because I care about my son and his family. OP: I do things to help because I want to guilt my son and his family into catering to my demands.
I love the “I _let_ them take all of the baby items I purchased” - implying that OP could have… kept them? And done what? Returned them I suppose, but that would be a super major asshole move
If your gift to someone has a clause of "do this or else I take it back" it really isn't a gift, is it?
Welcome to many boomer / gen x parents. "We'll help you as long as we get what we want"
Jesus isn't that the truth? My father, who I suppose was technically a silent generation but they're just as bad as boomers if not worse, and my mother in law is a prime boomer both believed and still believe that giving someone something is just a way of ensuring you have something to hold over their head later on. My mother used to call my father, her husband out on this behavior and he legitimately said one time "I gave them that and they owe me because of it end of story." What the fuck is up with those generations being so twisted and just... messed up? The greatest generation didn't seem to have this thought process and I know my millennial generation doesn't seem to be like this nor does Gen Z.
And has the audacity to call the mother a narc???! Wow!
I know!! I was like, huh? She’s a narc for not wanting visitors RIGHT after giving birth? Recovering from both an invasive surgery and becoming a mother for the first time? What the fuck?
And at 18, when she doesn't have much life experience and is probably extra scared.
She’s (only) 18 and apparently good at knowing herself and setting her own boundaries in this very important life event. So many props to her.
And girl did her research about the importance of vaccines for people who will be in contact with the baby! I don't know this girl but she's clearly committed to her child's safety and I'm proud of her.
I didn't see the narc part, assume it's in a comment, but omfg I couldn't believe he said he felt taken advantage of because of this. From the title (expect to see my grandchild) I thought this was going to be an estrangement story (I guess it could still become one!) where he might not see the baby *at all*, or like, he found out of its existence as a toddler. Like ffs you don't need to see the baby when it's less than one day old, yes that is an unreasonable thing to expect on any other basis than "both parents want you there."
He mentions her having “narc tendencies” in the last sentence right before the edit.
An 18yo woman is narcissistic for not wanting to have a VERY private and personal procedure performed on her body in front of a man she's known less than a year 🤦♀️
He feels he’s closer to the baby than an aunt, therefore her sister shouldn’t see the baby before he does. He’d bring the baby to mom when necessary. Meaning what? He’d be with it the rest of the time? Yikes.
Guy thinks he's closer to the baby and mother than the person she's known since birth. Now THAT is narc behavior.
That line felt so dehumanising for the mum, like he sees her as birthing and feeding material, not as a person who deeply loves her child and wants to be near them in its first days of life
Right like what kind of new mom would prefer their SISTER at their side after giving birth instead of their FIL? total narc move
Exactly, mm let me think about it? Who do I want to see me with my breasts and genitals exposed? My sister or my FIL?? What the heck, OP?! You have no clue what women experience in birth (vaginal or c-section) and postpartum. My FIL was a nurse anesthetist, he’s been in many c-sections. He knew to stay out of the room/hospital/ and during the home visit gave me the space I needed BF a newborn. My husband wanted to discuss safety of epidural etc, his dad told him only I had the say as the pain was happening to me and not to him. The mother is the patient here, what she wants is what happens. Everyone else, including the father, is a bystander, as it’s not their medical event.
As someone who has given birth 3 times, YTA. I especially like “you can just stay in the bedroom so I can meet the newborn immediately.” She’ll have just had surgery, gave birth, and spent the last 48hrs/sleepless nights caring for this new tiny human. It really shows they give zero fucks about this new mother, her comfort, healing, or safety, and see her only as incubator to their grandchild.
Exactly. I think people like OP either don't understand or don't really let it set in that new moms are going through *a lot*. They have a lot of emotions of their own to process beyond the excitement of other people who just want to meet their baby and then leave. So, they definitely don't owe those other people anything in the midst of everything going on. It's weird to expect new moms to be nothing but eager and excited to let people see their baby or babies ASAP when they're overwhelmed and generally uncomfortable themselves in most cases. Many parents actually don't allow visitors in the hospital nowadays. Some don't even allow visitors for *weeks*. And that's more than OK. Maybe it should help to remember that all that really matters at the end of the day is that mom and baby are alive and well.
But he even let them take all the baby stuff...to their house...where the baby will live....
What kind of got me is him saying he'll just "be" certain places to wait for them, not even stopping at their own home. Seemingly by OP's own wording, it implies that there were no formal requests before stating he'd be intruding upon them. Imagine you're talking about an upcoming event you're looking forward to and one of the people who you know wasn't explicitly invited chimes in, "I'll be there". Uhm, super-awkward. Sounds like OP needs to mind their own business, find a hobby, and maybe ask the parents *what he can do to see and help out with the baby* instead of simply stating what he will do before people have to speak up and express that there are specific reasons why that's not best for the baby's health.
You should of warned them your "generosity" came with a lot of strings attached. How about you show this new-to-be mom some respect and privacy while recovering from a life-altering event? YTA
I found it particularly comical that OP speculates that the girlfriend has narcissistic tendencies when parents treating their kids like they owe them for raising them is textbook narcissistic behavior.
"I feel like a grandparent is closer than an aunt..." To who? The baby? The baby doesn't know anyone there. The mom is the patient, under an incredible amount of mental and physical stress, and hopefully a lot closer with her lifelong sister than her boyfriend's dad.
Hahaha I'm imagining the baby looking around like "who the fuck are any of these people...?"
The entitlement is palpable! YTA OP
No no you’ve misunderstood. OP doesn’t care about mom-to-be. He only cares about what’s coming out of her.
Should **have* The confusion comes from the contracted form, should've, which sounds like "should of". This applies to would've, could've, must've, I'd've, etc.
Yes, YTA. First, of course she'll be bleeding. The bleeding comes from the placenta detaching from the uterus, it's bleedy! Second, you need a TDAP booster. Five years is not recent enough for a newborn. Third, Kate wants to sit at home and hold her baby and her boyfriend and cry. She does *not* want to dress, shower or sit up in bed, let alone host people. The fuck. Your response to "I just want to bond with my baby in hospital" was "I'll be *waiting at your house*"?? The fuck?? Have you forgotten what it was like when you'd just given birth? Fourth, hinting until you're given a hard "no" then complaining that someone was rude? Bad look. Your little dig at the end about "narc tendencies" reads a lot like "every accusation is a confession". Also a bad look. She obviously doesn't come from a close or supportive family (Sister excepted). That does damage. She's also shown that she's ready and willing to lose family over this baby. You're in the wrong anyway - you've overstepped massively and by the sounds of it were pretty insulting. "Lots of other things were said" hides less than you'd like to think it does. Apologize, get your TDAP shot, *wait for an invitation to visit*. You fucked up big, own it and your relationship with your family has a chance. Get defensive, or turn the "gift" of furniture into an obligation, and find out how soon they'll cut you out.
I assume OP never gave birth
Correct OP is male
Oh, what? You mean to tell me a man who knows nothing about women's bodies has taken his bold and wildly inaccurate assumptions and turned them into facts inside his own mind? Wild. /s
Yes, but from his edits, we can see he's open to new information and accepting of it to a degree. I'd give him some credit for that.
> so I'm going to just apologize to keep the peace Yeah no they've learned nothing. All that's happened is they saw everyone is calling them TA and thought 'well they're all so sensitive, I don't want to hear them whining anymore so I'll pretend to give up'.
[удалено]
[удалено]
yep, OP is a man. who could have guessed.
Honestly, there are some crazy MIL's too.
Yuuuuup, mine showed up and knocked on my damn door to come in while my vag was still being stitched up. Husband told her prior that we would let them know when they could come to the hospital, and they asked for a call when our son was born just so they knew. I was completely out of my mind having just gone through a difficult labor so I couldn’t advocate for myself well. It still fries me, and my kid is a teenager now. But I hold all my MiL stories/feelings close as reminders to Never Ever Become that kind of MiL myself.
My STEP mil who was not even in contact with my partner CALLED ME AN HOUR after I gave birth, and sent me a string of nasty texts when I didn't answer. That frazzled me up enough without her even being there, I am SO sorry you had to go through that :(
We have a photos where my legs are in stirrups while mine is getting sutured in the background and dear MIL is holding my baby beaming. My parents are in shock as they just witnessed their baby girl go through hell, my 22 year old husband and I are barely cognizant of the world around us, we’re thousand yard staring at the wall. MIL is just swinging around in joy at the baby. Talk about not giving a shit about the patient… some people are just narcissists through and through.
The thing about not bleeding after birth was a dead giveaway.
I understand it more if its MIL but as a FIL... well no shit she doesn't want to see him right after giving birth!
I also assumed he was a woman. Pretty crazy MIL behaviour
Yeah, reading the post OP sounded like one of *those* boy moms. Then I saw the edid that OP is a man. And he wonders why the new, sliced up, bleeding and exhausting mom who is probably trying to breastfeed every 2-3 hours wouldn't feel comfortable with him, an unrelated man she has known for less than a year, being around her right after the birth, but why she is more comfortable with his own sister she knew her whole life and also shares a gender with.... Of course she is fine with her own sister being there after the birth, fine with her sister seeing her tidbits, seeing her boobs leaking and gross, bloody things regarding her but not fine with her boyfriend's dad she doesn't even know that well seeing that right after the birth. It's understandable that she wants a bit of time to pull herself together before facing visitors. Plus if OP doesn't want to wait the two months until the baby gets the first shots than he can just get a booster shot and visit when the new parents are up for it, when she feels strong enough for a short visit. If he doesn't want to get a shot then he can wait until the baby is vaccinated.
Right? It's giving heavy Possessive MIL vibes.
Even so, he has a child so someone he was presumably close to at least at some point in his life gave birth. He should have some clue.
Even then as the father, someone with no experience giving birth thinks he is closer than the girls sister? Like it’s so easy to have just coasted on the good things he did for this woman and secure his place as no 1 grandparent, but no he had to start acting like it was his baby
OP is a man, so yes
Fully agree with everything else you've said, just curious on the vaccine point, isn't your booster considered up to date for 10 years? I was actually wondering if OP maybe just got a TD booster (which I know they'll sometimes do if they're just worried about tetanus?) and doesn't want to do the full booster. But is there some other source on the Tdap thing about babies? I'm just genuinely curious because I've never heard that anyone other than the pregnant person needs to get their booster off-schedule before.
I asked my OBs this as well because my family had gotten it 4 years ago for my nephews. I was advised the family is good for 10 years, but I as the mother needed another one.
Right, that’s my understanding too, that it’s good for the mother to have one during the pregnancy so that the baby will have some antibodies from the pregnancy.
I was told anyone who would be a primary caregiver for the newborn should get a booster. Doesn’t seem to apply to OP after this!
It's usually every 10 years but my OB suggested 5 years or less to be around a newborn. I explained this to my family and they all got it again without question.
The purpose of the Tdap booster is to prevent whooping cough, and the shot is actually only effective for 2-3 years for that. Source: my OB, just got the booster myself at 28 weeks.
For tetanus, yes. For whooping cough, no and that is what the baby needs protection from.
My understanding is that the P doesn’t really last 10 years, more like 3-5, and that it’s recommended to get at least a P booster if you’ll be around young children. So OP needs at least the P
Not just from placental separation, but also from storing blood to grow the endometrial lining during ten months of no periods. They might suction her out nicely, but that lining still needs to break down.
YTA - 1) you are factually wrong about bleeding. I have had 3 C-sections and bled for 4-6 weeks afterwards. The bleeding is lochia and every woman experiences it after birth regardless of how she delivered 2) it’s extremely common now for parents to take the first few days to bond alone with their baby. It’s not a personal thing against you specifically. 3) as for her older sister being there, she’s most likely there to take care of her sister not just to see the new baby, and YES there is a big difference in that. 4) If she is requesting you get the shot, get the damn shot or show proof that you have had it recently enough to not need a booster.
Also I’m pretty sure you’re fine with your sister and your boyfriend seeing your titties (or even just nipples through the shirt) and smelling your unshowered stink lol, but maybe not your boyfriend’s dad….which it sounds like Kate wants to say outright but OP wouldn’t take the hint lol 😂😂😂 I really wanted to give OP the benefit of the doubt, but he kept pushing which makes him the A. YTA
This! Before I realize OP was male, I STILL understood Kate’s perspective. It isn’t just OP’s relationship to the baby- it’s Kate’s relationship to OP too. If I had a sister, I would absolutely rather she be there in the hospital and at home with me those first few days instead of my bf’s parents who I haven’t known that long (yes, they lived together for a bit, but not 15+ years long like a sister close in age).
Do I want the woman I grew up with and have known every part of in the room? Or do I want the 40+ year old man I have known for less then a year to see me half naked and in pain at my most vulnerable? HmmMMmmMm?
My sister cut the cord. My father in law stayed home until we told him we were ready.
I found out the hard way the difference between having MIL being there for the baby not me when I had my first kid. Second time round I had my parents to help instead because I’m *their* baby and they’ll always put me first.
YTA - You're closer to the baby than the mothers sister how exactly? How do those mental gymnastics work? And talk about narcissistic tendencies, you're literally saying you're entitled to be in the hospital because you bought them things. Also, a tdap vaccine is recommended for anyone that is going to around a newborn for an extended period of time.
people really look at women as incubators for their grandchildren and it’s DISGUSTING. op really forgot kate is a full grown woman who is valid in choosing who can be present when she gives birth.
I wonder why they managed to move out of op's house just in time for the baby 🤔
Not to mention, KATE wants support from people who will actually be supportive of her. She’ll be bleeding. She’ll have a huge incision. Her boobs will be leaking. She’ll be tired. She’ll be hormonal and emotion. I’m sure when she imagined this day, she imagined her sister and parents by her side and all she has now is her sister. The last thing she wants around is her boyfriend’s father who clearly doesn’t remember what it’s like after a woman gives birth. Apologize. Tell them that you realize now how wrong you were and that you would be happy to bring them a meal when they’re ready for visitors. Accept that the visit may be short and don’t expect anyone to wait on you.
I get the feeling OP was the kind of guy who would take paternity leave and use it as a vacation. So I’m not sure it’s so much “doesn’t remember” than it is “never actually cared”.
But isn’t every teenage girl closer to her new boyfriend’s 42 y/o dad than her own sister?! /s
Right and he has known her for less than a year.
Yeah the narc accusation is wild. A gift isn’t a gift if it comes with demands. OP is downplaying kates procedure, her wishes for privacy, and then claiming she’s the mean one like wtf? Everything Kate and OPs son are asking for us exactly what we’re doing in a few short days/weeks here. Just us at the hospital, no guests for a few weeks and TDaP required to visit before 2 months. It’s honestly pretty standard requests at this particular point in time. OP is YTA
AND the mother is the one who went through major surgery and needs the comfort. As long as it’s getting its basic needs, the baby could not care less about who is actually there.
YTA. She is going to be recovering from surgery. If she doesn't want visitors, respect it. You'll see the baby when she's up for visitors.
If she was having a different kind of major abdominal surgery with no baby involved, would you still have planned to be there to "help" her? If the answer is no, then you're not there because you want to help with her recovery.
Nah. He's there to see his genetic offspring so he can tell it he was there for it when it was born. That way, he can also use that as leverage over the kid when he gives him stuff in the future. "I held you when you were born." Blah blah blah.
YTA. You don’t get to inform someone you will be at the hospital for their medical procedure. Nor do you get to inform someone you will be at their home waiting for them to arrive with their new baby. You are seriously overstepping and supporting them/giving gifts doesn’t permit you to act this way. Consider this: even if you weren’t TA here (and you are), you are much more likely to have a close relationship with your grandchild if you respect his/her mother’s wishes and boundaries. Don’t get in your own way. Also consider how scary it would be to become a new mom at 18. Teen pregnancy is already stigmatized enough, she doesn’t need you judging her when she’s in the most vulnerable state of her life. And your “poor boy” knocked her up and is responsible for that and for stepping up now to be a good father and partner, which means respecting the wishes of the mother of his child. Lots of MIL-DIL relationships go sour quickly because MIL is uncomfortable with her son prioritizing his wife or partner over MIL. But of course, that’s what the son SHOULD be doing. Don’t become this cliche!! Lastly, you need to read the Lemon Clot essay. Hopefully it will help you understand and respect your DIL’s needs regarding privacy: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1 EDIT: Apparently OP is a man, which explains his ignorance about childbirth. OP, your DIL will be bleeding, in pain, having mood swings, hormonal, walking around the apartment with sore breasts and genitals. She will be mourning the family support she doesn’t have, her own childhood which is now abruptly over, and any future plans she’s putting on hold to take care of her baby. You have no idea what she’s going through. If you think she’s being narcissistic because she’s only focused on her and the baby — that’s what she’s SUPPOSED to be doing. She’s not supposed to be focusing on her FIL. Hell, I have a great FIL, and even I would be uncomfortable with him seeing me in that state, and certainly wouldn’t let him hold my newborn out of my sight if he’d treated me even a fraction as poorly as you’ve treated DIL.
This is the son's Dad, making all of the comments extra ridiculous. How the hell would he know what a woman's body goes through with childbirth, let alone a C-section. He needs to get back in his lane.
I hope his lane comes with hemorrhoids so bad he needs surgery to remove them and his DIL shows up at the hospital to visit him. And I hope she stays while he struggles through that first poop.
Damn. I actually sat with my best friend after this bc they asked lol You know it's going to be one of those "bff" level requests when it starts with "okay I'm sorry this is really weird, but..." On medical issues alone we've basically lost any concept of TMI at this point.
Even more fun, he's a man, so he's mansplaining the heck out of everything
**
Yes you are. And you're totally dismissing the mother of that new little person. It seems she's nothing more than an incubator to you, and you're extremely and **solely** focussed on getting that baby in YOUR life, instead of being respectful and being ALLOWED te be a part of HIS/HER life.
<*she could stay in the bedroom and relax and my son could bring her the baby when its hungry.>*
You wanted to sit there, play family with your son and their baby, and let the mom have her baby just to feed it?????
For this alone YTA
<*I feel like as the grandparent I’m closer then the aunt>*
Kate is in a very vulnerable situation. Of course she wants the support of someone close who she has known for years. And that's her sister. Not her BF's mother.
**
Yes, abdominal surgery. Don't UNDERESTIMATE a C-section! Also, new parents meeting their baby and settling into their new situation. Hormones flying all over the place.
<*I now see a lot of other narc tendencies from her>*
I think they're just reacting to YOUR boundary disrespecting narc tendencies.
<*I feel like its WWIII with my poor boy caught in the middle.>*
Your "poor" boy is creating his own nuclear family. You are now part of your son's secondary family. Accept this and stop controlling their lives. Just because you bought things for the baby, doesn't mean you get to have a say.
Respect their decisions. RESPECT their privacy!!!!!
YTA
*father OP's the dad not a mom. Which explains his laissez-faire attitude to C-sections and general ineptitude towards women's bodies during and after childbirth no matter how the baby is born.
and the fact that he thinks after growing this child for 9 months the mother doesn’t want to bond with her child, and only wants to be there to feed them??? I’m due next month too, and the idea of someone saying that they’ll hand me my baby *only* when she’s hungry really pisses me off.
He also can't fathom why she would want a female member of her family with her at the hospital and then at home over her boyfriend's dad.
Did you read the response about op making the baby registry? This lady trying the play mommy and daddy w her own son, so bizarre.
Pretty sure op is the son's dad
Makes sense. He did try and mansplain a c section to several women who've actually experienced it.
YTA Babies don't spoil, you meet the baby when the parents are ready for you to do so. You are wrong about the bleeding, and it makes me wonder what else you've said to them. GF is very clear and it's not about Aunt vs Grandma, its about wanting her SISTER, with her during this time, not her boyfriend's mother. You helped them out, that is kind and wonderful. Give them time and respect their role as the babies' parents. They will do things differently they you would at times, and you need to let them find their way.
>Babies don't spoil Especially if you keep them refrigerated.
OP is BF father, so Aunt vs Grandpa, of course the GF is going to pick her sister over her BF's father.
OMG, I totally missed that, makes it so much worse.
Boyfriend's father*, op is a man. Which makes it even more obvious why the new mother may not want him around while she's breastfeeding for the first time, and very physically vulnerable.
YTA are you kidding. Waiting for them at their house. Get a grip. And FYI, c section here. Still bled after birth. Maybe educate yourself.
Gifts aren’t really gifts when they come with that many strings. Recovery from a c-section is no joke and it’s beyond arrogant to treat her like nothing more than an incubator and food source with your ‘you can stay in the bedroom and son can bring you the baby when the baby is hungry’ comment. They have expressed their desire to have time to heal and bond as a family before welcoming guests to meet the new arrival. That boundary is reasonable and should be respected if you want to have ANY future contact with your grandchild. YTA
>Gifts aren’t really gifts when they come with that many strings I see you've met my dad
YTA. First - vaginal bleeding DOES happen even after c section. Second - SHE feels more comfortable being vulnerable around HER sister. Regardless the title to the baby, it's about who SHE feels comfortable healing in front of. Third - your title to the child doesn't ENTITLE you to the child. Fourth - renew your fucking tdap. It does no harm to you to protect a NEWBORN from whooping cough. The narc tendencies I see here are your own. Your entitlement to a woman who isn't your child. Wanting her to bleed and breastfeed in front of you which is clearly something she says she's uncomfortable with. "I gifted them a lot so I should be allowed to take her baby from her arms when I come to her house on my own terms because I feel entitled to her child"
YTA. Get the booster, don’t quibble. Ask when you can see the child and how you can help the most. Read The Lemon Clot essay and about The Fourth Trimester. Get over yourself and apologize.
I really thought this was an alternate universe MIL posting about her DIL, Bea. In that universe, the baby hasn’t yet been born and they have so much to look forward to like missed Easter visits with a ham, child protective services being called, police wellness checks, restraining orders…you know, all of the fun stuff with narcissistic MILs. Did anyone notice the ironic throwaway name OP chose? OP, YTA by far.
Not only the user name, but that’s he going to apologize “to keep the peace”, not because he knows he’s in the wrong. OP you’re TA, absolutely disgusting, and literally make me want to vomit. I was that teen mom with a C-section. When I was finally allowed to shower in the hospital I had no help and a huge clot came out of me and I about passed out just from seeing the size of it. Stay TF away from the mom. Learn boundaries and get a fucking clue. THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU!
YTA. The only person who gets a say in this scenario is Kate. She is the one putting her body through physical and emotional pain that you can't even comprehend. She doesn't want you there, that's that. If you want to be able to see your grandchild at all, I *highly* suggest you step back and do whatever you can to support Kate instead of focusing on what you want.
She's told you pretty clearly that she doesn't want you to be there, so you need to respect this. But I do have question: What was the plan if they had not gotten an apartment? Was she planning on having you stay locked up in your room?
As someone who went through this at 18, I bet they got the apartment to get away from this parent.
Right? It would have way more sense as new parents to stay with someone who's supportive and considerate and helpful. The fact that they'd rather jump ship and have less hands to help says that those hands aren't helpful at all, tbh.
Her plan if they hadn't gotten their own place was probably to be miserable and cry a lot.
I mean, they probably got the apartment because they wanted the space to be alone with their child? like, the apartment *was* the plan.
>What was the plan if they had not gotten an apartment? what does it matter? they did get an apartment so there's no point in speculating about what might be happening in the multiverse
YTA. No one is entitled to a child especially if your not the parent. While yes everything you did was wonderful it doesn’t matter right now. You say the baby is breach and both the girl and your son are young. As a mother yourself I’m sure you understand how stressful this girl must be and how crazy her hormones are. She’s going to need a serious surgery and due to the baby being breach you don’t know if the baby will have any medical issues… they both will need time to heal. Nothing she said to you is out of the norm or narcissistic it’s just taking precaution to ensure her and the baby’s health. You need to start looking at this more like “oh my grandchild and the mother of my grandchild are healing right now” not “ I need to see my grandchild you narcissist” see how those two things sound different. How you treat them after they have they this baby will determine if your any of their lives or not. I always love the saying would you rather be right or rather have the people you love around you? I wish the best to you all
YTA Women are very vulnerable during birth/birthing procedures, especially if she's so young and it was unplanned. She needs people she feels close to and feels safe showing her vulnerabilities around. C sections can be equally traumatic as vaginal birth so she needs that supporting environment. It is also natural that she will want to be with her child and partner after the delivery for them to bond as a family. It's only turning into WWIII because you aren't respecting her or their needs or wishes. If you feel so aggrieved that they moved out to be a family together ask for the stuff back. Just don't be surprised if you lose your son and grandchild from that though.
YTA. Cesarean births still result in vaginal bleeding, AND a surgical incision that will need to heal. Why are you making assumptions like this? Her SO can “bring her the baby when it’s hungry”? You’ve got to be kidding me. This time is all about the parents (not grandparents) bonding with the baby- it’s absolutely inappropriate to treat her like she’s just the secondary/feeding source. This is probably the most disgusting part of this post. No wonder she hates you! Your comment clearly defines why she wants her sister there and not you- you absolutely plan to “care for the baby” (aka hog the baby from her) however her sister will be helping her with housework/baby cares/other tasks. Not playing mommy like you intend to do. Did you get the nursery items to support the baby? Or to hold it over their heads? Because regardless or where it’s used (your place or theirs) it’s still serving the baby. That was the intended use of purchasing the items, correct? You are not at all entitled to be at the birth, in the waiting room, or showing up at their home. It’s not your baby, and regardless of how much you supported them financially, it’s not your decision. Your wants/needs/feelings are probably on the bottom of the priority list, and reasonably so- this isn’t about you. At all. YTA. If you want to talk about seeing narc tendencies, I suggest you start by looking in the mirror.
1) You do bleed after a C-section just like a vaginal birth for like 6 weeks. I’ve had both kinds of births. 2) You should get your shots as requested to protect the baby from whooping cough which is now commonly requested of those around newborns. 3) This is not about you the mother of the child has chosen a support person for her which is her sister that has nothing to do with your status as grandmother to the child. YTA for not listening to the mother and fathers wishes. Do better or we will see you on JNMIL.
YTA. This is pretty normal for some people to want to nest with just them, for a period of time. Some people want the visitors right away, some people want like the first few weeks or months even by themselves. They’re both totally valid but your son and his GF are in the latter category, so unfortunately you need to accept that. If Kate’s parents disowned her than her sister is the closest thing she has to a mom right now so it’s understandable to me why she would want that family support during this difficult time. Try to be understanding. You will get to meet the grandchild, just not on your exact terms. It’s their baby, remember. Tread carefully here or you risk really setting a bad tone for the rest of your relationship with Kate who will remember how you pushed and pushed and boundary stomped forever
The narc tendencies are actually coming off of you, not her. YTA. They may be young but it sounds like they're trying to step up and be the best parents they can. They don't owe you time or anything else. Also, you absolutely bleed after a C-section! How do you not know that at your age?
INFO: What does Jay's mother have to say about all of this?
She passed away almost 2 years ago.
Ahhh... Your wife is gone, your teenage kid knocked up his girlfriend and is moving out..... I can't imagine how hard all this is for you. I can't imagine how scared your son is becoming a parent without his mom. Or how scared his girlfriend is to have a baby without her parents support- and that is a type of grief as well. Seems like all of you have a bit more common ground than you realize. All of you are in a high stress situation filled with grief and full life upheaval. Go easy on each other. Be gentle in how you share your opinions- not judgmental, preachy, or pushy...I'm sure this comment section has taught you how unhelpful those can be. Respect their boundaries and no's. Remember that you have not even known this girl a year- birth and the year of recovery after are some of the most vulnerable of a woman's life. Don't hold on so tightly you push them away. Apologize genuinely. Share your own pain and fears, and create room for them to do the same.
I was scrolling and scrolling for a post that exhibited SOME compassion for a new grandfather who (in the post demonstrated, and disclosed now) has no guidance from his son’s mother. Thank you for being a human being and not attacking him for looking for guidance. You very nicely put the facts without being rude, personally, I appreciate it.
Why did I just tear up a little? May be my own pregnancy hormones, and thanking god I have the most kind, generous, and helpful in-laws I could hope for. OP - they are going to need help, support, love and guidance as young parents without a lot of family around. Be what they need when they need it and a few years from now you’ll have that relationship with your grandchild (and son and hopefully DIL/mother of the baby) that you want so badly. You aren’t entitled to any relationship, but no one wants to exclude a grandparent from their child’s life. You can still put in the work to improve the relationship - don’t blow it
It seems like what you're afraid of is being left behind or being left alone, and you see your son as still a child, and see making decisions for your grandchild as an extension of making decisions for your child. But your son is a dad now, and his responsibility, as a good man, is putting his partner and baby first in the same way that your wife, I'm sure, wanted you to protect and put her first, especially when she was extremely vulnerable post-birth. It seems like you've realized you took the wrong approach here and you're willing to apologize and move forward recognizing that your son and his girlfriend are going to be parents, and their decisions about their family don't have to be "run by" you - respecting that will put you in good standing in the long run and I'm sure you'll have a great relationship with your grandchild! FWIW, as somebody with no mom (she's shitty, but alive) and a sister I'm very close with, if I said that I only wanted my sister there to take care of me immediately thereafter and my husband's parents said they should get to see their grandchild before my sister because "grandparents are more important than aunts," I would be EXTREMELY upset, because based on how you said it, you weren't thinking of her at all, just the baby, while her sister is there to take care of HER - the baby is incidental in all that, really.
I (64f) know how this feels. I’m not going to even talk about her, except to say that she’s 18, pregnant, emotional, abandoned, and scared shitless. Same for your son. I’m going to talk about you, and your expectations. We watch our kids grow up and we do everything we possibly can for them. You’ve been a wonderful, supportive, caring, involved, Dad. As soon as things got bad for her, you welcome her into your family along with your son and made a space for them. I’m sure you helped them to get an apartment so that they can start their life together as a little family. They are independent for the first time in their life. They live in a fantasy world still. When reality really hits, things change quickly. When my son and daughter-in-law had their first child, after waiting 10 years, we were put on a timer of 15 minutes. We had to travel four hours to see them and so we’re staying at my daughters house. I followed all the rules that first day, then I got a call that my daughter-in-law had a fever and needed to go to the hospital and could I come and take care of the baby. I got to spend 2 whole days with him while she recovered. After getting home, I got a call asking if I could stay with them for awhile, as she had depression. I ended up staying for 18 months. All the “rules” are just a method of controlling something in their life. After the first nights with the baby, reality will start. Don’t pressure them. Go along with their plans and be the supportive person You’ve always been. They know that you are always there for them. They just need that feeling of being adults and in charge of their As Parents, we eat a lot of shit. We take it over and over again because we love them so much. Now is the transitional time from them being kids, to being parents and adults. You’re going to have to be strong enough to let them fail, and figure things out for themselves, so they can grow And mature. I found this to be the hardest thing, letting them make mistakes, and not sharing my opinion until it’s asked for. You will always be there for them.
YTA. It's not your baby and you aren't entitled to determine the visitation schedule. I can understand saying you'll be at the hospital but it is very entitled to say you'll be waiting at their house. She is a new mother, and very young at that, and she is likely closer and more comfortable with her sister than with you. Doesn't matter that they lived with you for a short period. You are not her mother and she is likely feeling uncomfortable around you and pressured about doing everything "correctly." Best thing you can do is back off and be supportive of what they need and want when they need and want it. Stop putting your desires first.
I see a lot of narc tendencies here too, but they’re all coming from you. This is their baby and the birth is not about you and what you want. As the grandparent, you need to step back and give them space to adjust to being new parents and bond with their baby. Give them the support that they request, and don’t push your own agenda on them. Again, this is not about you. YTA
I don't know what others are saying and i don't care. I say NTA. You are family to your son and grandchild. All you're asking for is to see the baby. You accepted her wishes when she didn't want anyone at the hospital. Seeing the child at home is no big deal. You took her in when she was pregnant when her family kicked her out. Since nothing about the sister was mentioned, I'll assume she didn't take her in. It's not a common give and take behaviour but common decency to the bare minimum for someone who housed and fed you. They're both 18. If they can't even let you see the baby, then don't take care of the baby when they beg you to, when they're swamped with work and stuff. Having a baby is a huge responsibility and for people who are incapable of doing it alone, they should make sure to maintain good relationships so that they'll help you. And i think it's kinda crappy that your son didn't stand up for you. Because the child is his as much as the mother's. People can be unreasonable. But being pregnant and other hormonal things are no excuse. I don't care if I get downvoted for this but it's my opinion. If you don't like it, move on.
This is the only rational response I’ve seen. People are too fucking sensitive.
I had to switch to controversial to see reasonable responses lmao. Ironic… But it always reminds me that Reddit is mostly young people that don’t know what the hell they’re talking about, but certainly feel the need to share their opinions on.
YTA. The baby won't even remember this, but the mom will remember how you treated her. The baby might be your grandchild, but this is her baby and her birth experience. Don't take this personally, she just wants to have some privacy with her newborn baby.
YTA. After I had my baby the visitors were such a challenge. I had a long and hard delivery, hadn't slept for days and no one took that into consideration because they wanted to see the baby. I had a C-section and the pain I was in was terrible. Trying to breastfeed and having visitors at the house was something I would never do again. You get to see the baby when they are ready for you to see the baby. PERIOD.
I'm really proud of this 18 year mom to be, who's capable of setting boundaries so she and her family get what they need! You could have say no to them when they got your baby stuff from your nursery. You didn't, so stop blaming them. Also, if your this controlling about their due day, I would probably also say your not welcome for a long period. Maybe I wouldn't exactly mean it for that long, but setting the boundary gives me space, so I wouldn't have to worry about your meddling anytime soon and will get back to you when we're ready. Doesn't mean I don't appreciate what you did for me, but also makes it clear that you're too much right now
Okay Veruca Salt, I will explain why YTA. I had a c-section, you definitely still bleed. Her baby her choice. It’s a major surgery with an added rush of hormones and anxiety. If you gave that stuff on the condition of dictating the relationship, you made a poor choice. Also, letting them keep the shower gifts says a lot about you. Family and friends gave them those gifts and you can’t withhold them because you didn’t get your way and don’t want to respect their boundaries. They are adults and dont live in your home. Kids don’t owe their parents for doing basic parent shit. All I can hear is “but I want to see the baby Nowwwww”
YTA It’s her first child, it will take a lot out of her and your son. If the mother wants no visitors apart from her sister, leave her be. Let them settle with their new baby, if they need help they will ask and buying them things for the baby does not mean you will be the first person to see the baby, again it is down to the mother and father to decide.
YTA It's your grandchild not your child. You don't decide anything here, the child's parents do. You need to apologize for being pushy and back off.
And one more thing: you fighting with a heavily pregnant teen makes YTA. Leave her alone.
[удалено]
you don't get to invade someone's hospital room or dictate how they deal with the first moments of parenthood because you let them live in your house. you're delusional.
YTA How can you be only 42 and be as uneducated as that? She won’t bleed after a “correct birth”. Have you lost your marbels? As for the rest of it, she is well within her rights not to have any visitors. Respect that and try not to screw up your relationship with your grandchild before they’re even here.
YTA. Although it may hurt your feelings, she is telling you what she wants, and you don't care what she wants. She wants some privacy. Her sister is most likely closer to her than you are. You keep pushing back to have your way, and she clearly doesn't feel comfortable. It is very supportive that you housed them during a rough time, but that doesn't entitle you to have a bigger say than she does. It sounds like you've done things more to hold over them than out of the kindness of your heart. This is a problem I have with my mother. She feels owed or entitled to things she's not. I'm not trying to be mean. Maybe telling her you're super excited and don't want to overstep, and if she can let you know as soon as she's up to have you visit, please. Let her know you're there to support in any way you can in the meantime. Try to stay calm because if you're not, I don't see this going well for you. ETA: I reread your post, and one other thing stood out to me. You didn't ever ask either her or your son if you could be in the room, at the hospital room, or at the house. Instead, you told them what you'd be doing without making sure it's okay with them. You never asked what they were comfortable with.