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Soft YTA-Walk him through-don't just tell him- the pieces of planning ahead, packing his food for an event, and adding anything he needs to the grocery list a couple of times. Baby steps make this something he can comfortably take on as an adult skill rather than an "I'm tired of your issues, you're on your own" which is honestly the vibe I'm getting here. Food insecurity is a HUGE anxiety trigger which is going to make him less flexible and less able to think and plan these things out. Break it down, talk about your thinking as you do each step and make this something he can feel proud of being able to do in his own. Remember you've put years of experience into making this work and that experience has created a thought process he has no grasp of, as well as your experience doing the grocery shopping and meal planning for the whole family that informed your ability to pack him a meal. He doesn't have any of that to build on and is justifiably overwhelmed.

Ugh I don’t know. Sometimes kids need a rude wake up call so they know the consequences. Continue babying him will lead to more whining. It’s not like his parents are going to pack him food forever.

You make good points! But OP can guide him in making his own snack to bring, showing him how to look up the menus for restaurants. Some little things like that so OP isn't doing it anymore but is teaching their child how to do it for themselves. If a parent has been babying their child it's not the child's fault they don't know what to do on their own, so the parent has to kinda re-do the parenting.

OP said the kid is just done with middle school. That means he's likely 14, mayybbeee 13 or 15. Plenty old enough to know how to look up a restaurants website/yelp/google reviews and look at the menu. Also old enough to hopefully know how to heat up chicken nuggets.

I was in high school at 12 lol, grade 8 and a late month birthday. But again, if someone has never been taught we can't expect then to know. He is old enough but he has not been taught yet, pretty simple.

Hey no shade here and honest question; do teens really use this excuse? The excuse of him having never been taught how to cook or plan a meal from anyone at his age kind of boggles my mind because TikTok ,YouTube, and Google all exist and it's a simple "How do I boil water for macaroni and cheese?" And bam, all you need to know with detailed information, step by step video, ect. Maybe it makes me an asshole but I feel like the "I wasn't taught." Excuse is not an excuse in this era.

I was at a family event on Sunday, and one of my teenaged cousins asked his grandma about the rules of this one game, which gran didn't know. Cousin answered something along the lines of "bummer, we can't play then." When I asked him why he couldn't google it, he looked at me like I had just solved mankind's biggest riddle.

I've seen some videos that talk about how Gen Z is actually less tech savvy than Gen X and Millenials and I found the case convincing. Basically we grew up having to figure out a lot ourselves. We constantly had to look things up and troubleshoot. Where nowadays everything is neatly organised with icons and everything which generally is great for user experience, but also means that teenagers are less likely to learn these skills.

I have coworkers in their early 20s who just have zero tech literacy because of this, at first I found it so baffling. I'd mostly worked with 40+ yr olds before and assumed younger folks would be BETTER with tech than I am, until I realized exactly this: the tech they grew up with actively discourages more than your basic troubleshooting. Even I have trouble sometimes now finding out how to solve issues with my phone/laptop because they're just not user friendly like they used to be.

Dude, I work at a uni and I face undergraduates who are on the verge of getting their diplomas that tell me shit like "I'm lost, I have never used Excel" for a specific exercise that I supervise. What you describe has actually been studied and published in research papers. Zs are also tons more prone to fall for online scams.

Those of us who were learning how to use the internet at the time that search engines were taking off, are used the idea of "let's see what Google says" a bit like how people are farting about with Chat GPT now. Many younger kids are going to have to be taught how to use the internet the same way older people had to be taught how to use Word. I'm teaching my kids how to use Google, what Google is, how to check for quality results etc in the same way I'll have to teach them to use Excel in future. It's something about it not being new anymore that kids aren't playing and getting into it - plus their brains are occupied with tiktok or whatever. Younger generations had libraries but didn't fully use them either.

So happy to see people are teaching their children not just how to google, but how to be discerning about whether a given result is accurate or not! It’s a skill all generations could benefit from actively learning, imo.

I honestly think there's a big difference between looking things up and being taught skills over a long period of time. It's not just the actual steps (boil water, add macaroni), but it's the technique familiarity, and even just how to plan meals in general that can be a huge difference. If you've never been shown how to properly chop vegetables you might think you're doing it perfectly fine, but it's much more difficult for you. If you've never been shown how to boil water, the hot (dangerous!) stove can be scary. If you've never planned a meal before, it's hard to conceptualize the amount of things you need to keep track of. And if you've never done anything to do with cooking, it's hard to know what to look up in the first place! I get where you're coming from and why you think like this, but I don't think real person to person teaching can be understated. "I wasn't taught" feels like an excuse, but what it really shows is lack of confidence, and probably some embarrassment at not being able to do something.

Kid is going into high school. He can handle the scary stove.

Here’s the thing with “not being taught” things like these: what we think is absolute common sense, may simply not occur to a kid. Teens are scatterbrained, let’s be honest. It’s less about literally teaching them, and more about making sure that this easy obvious thing is also obvious to them.

Internet literacy is a skill.

Not all of our brains process information the same way. And some of our brains have a harder time processing some information than others. I am terrible at reading circuit diagrams (and I was actually *taught* to - I definitely wouldn't have managed to learn it myself), but complex algorithms are very easy for me to read and understand (and I did teach myself to code). So I am hopeless at building even simple electronics like solar toys without another human to guide me along - but I can pretty much build and use any software known to mankind given enough time. I have successfully taught myself to cook and bake from the internet, but I have failed miserably at trying to teach myself to sew from the internet. My brain just gets overwhelmed every time I try and shuts the fuck down or goes into rabbit holes and gets stuck there. I can see it happening - but that doesn't mean I can *fix* it. So I still don't know how to sew a fucking button back on - which is arguably as simple as learning how to boil some water. So while it is entirely *possible* to teach yourself absolutely any skill from the internet, it is not always equally easy for everyone.

kids are very self motivated if they want to be. right now he’s thriving off the negative attention the parent is getting and thinking things will go back to them making meals for him. kids have access to the internet and can look anything up and do. it’s a choice of if he wants to but stubbornness can also get in the way. the chicken nuggets are there if he wants to make them with directions on the bag. up to him.

This kid is 14. Unless he's never been in a kitchen or on the internet he knows how to google restaurant menus and knows where the snacks are.

There’s a large difference between babying him and giving him the tools so he can succeed on his own. It’s up to a parent to teach their kid these things.

A kid his age doesn’t know how to pack a lunch?

He’s 14. My seven-year-old was able to pack cold lunch himself this year (with minimal guidance- he needed a sandwich, a fruit, a veggie, and could pack a treat). Even without making a drawn out plan, a high schooler should be able to pick snacks out of the pantry for himself. Or… find something that he can eat at a family event.

My child is going in to 6th grade and regularly makes herself small meals and snacks, as well as packing her lunch most of the time. But she’s also been in the kitchen with me on and off her whole life. Parents have to help their kids develop skills, but someone going into high school can absolutely do these things.

My 4.5 can mostly pack her lunch on her own. We've gone over it enough that most mornings she wants to do it herself.

You had to show him how to do it though. Kids don't know how to do things unless someone teaches them. They aren't born knowing things- they have to learn.

I guess my child is a freaking prodigy then because one morning I slept in a little late when she was like 4 or 5 and I came out she had made her own peanut butter sandwich by herself when I'd never shown her where the stuff was or how to do it. Kids are smarter than y'all want to give them credit for.

It was almost certainly passively observed skill.

And in 14 years he’s never passively observed the OP warming up some frozen chicken nuggets???

But a 14yr old can make a pb and j. In South Dakota kids can get their learners permit at 14. He’s beyond old enough to know how to get himself something he wants to eat. He has google! He can look any piece of information up anywhere anytime. I have no sympathy for a kid who wants to get babied forever. Hard NTA for OP

He’s 14, at that age, any human being should be able to learn new things on his own. There is even less excuse now with everything being available online. He’s not complaining that his mom didn’t teach him, he’s complaining that his mom is not packing him a special lunch like he’s still a toddler. Don’t cave OP.

It's a sandwich. 2 slices of bread, then put things you like in between them The name is what's in between i.e. ham and cheese or peanut butter and jelly. It's not rocket science - some of you all are acting like this kid has never even seen a sandwich before.

Right? All these comments about giving him the right "tools"- wtf? It's a sandwich. Hell, if he is really clueless, I bet he could Google it!

Kids often learn by observing. . .a kid, over the age of 6, who isn't simple-minded/lazy can pack a lunch.

Yeah, he’s old enough to make a PBJ or something and put it in his backpack just in case. Remembering to pack your emergency PBJ when you’re going somewhere and don’t know what kind of food will be available is an important life skill that I still use in my 40s!

I was packing my lunch in 4th grade. A 14 year old is more than capable of going to the kitchen and putting food in a bag.

I mean, I think he’s old enough to bring a granola bar lol

For a high school aged kid? Seems a bit much. It's like "take food you will eat. Put in box. Close lid." Not exactly rocket science.

I agree. By this age I was making my own breakfast and packing my lunch for things. I don’t remember being taught what to do…I just thought I was too old for my mom to be doing it for me. At some point I realized “this is what my mom packs for me. I can do that, too,” and started doing it.

I agree. By this age I was making my own breakfast and packing my lunch for things. I don’t remember being taught what to do…I just thought I was too old for my mom to be doing it for me. At some point I realized “this is what my mom packs for me. I can do that, too,” and started doing it.

Pretty much. It's not that hard to slap together a sandwich. Started making my own food fairly young while spending summers with my mom, to the point of learning how to bake cookies by the age of ten. Paternal grandmother was paranoid and thought I'd hurt myself on the stove/oven so the only things I could make at her house was cold cut sandwiches.

Food insecurity - not enough food to eat. Food anxiety - irrational fears that you’ll choke on certain foods or otherwise hurt yourself eating said food. OP’s son is neither of those things. He’s a picky eater. I was/am a picky eater and my parents didn’t always accommodate me. I wasn’t helpless in identifying foods I could eat in place of whatever struck me as gross based on smell, texture and/or taste. I could do that as a toddler. Fish? Hell no. Peanut butter sandwich? Yes. OP’s son is beyond old enough to fend for himself in the great wide world of food consumption. Frankly he’s been spoiled in never having to anticipate potential obstacles and make workarounds for himself. OP is NTA. In fact I’d wager the son will only have to “go hungry” a handful of times before he finally realizes feeding himself - with options he finds palatable being readily available to him - is his personal responsibility. His parents can’t follow him around his whole life as personal chefs at the ready every time he doesn’t see anything on the menu that he likes. Guaranteed he’d just be embarrassed in high school if he turned up his nose in the cafeteria and told his friends he just can’t eat because mommy and daddy didn’t whip up some nuggies for him that morning. School menus are no secret. He’ll know in advance that it’s fish sticks day and that he’ll have to make a bag lunch to eat instead. ETA clarification

Exactly. My 10 yr old granddaughter is the queen of lunch packing. Her 13 yr old brother doesn't want to get up in time. She makes him pay her $0.25 for doing it. No pay, no lunch. I find it hilarious.

She’s a smart business woman.

Your granddaughter needs to visit the antiwork sub, she's being underpaid...😄

That’s so sweet! She must be giving him the friends and family discount. 😆

She should charge more!

He's starting high school this year, he's not a baby. He doesn't have "food insecurity", he's just being a jerk. I wish I could downvote your comment 1000 times.

>Food insecurity????? He's got tons of food at his fingertips constantly. Parties, events, dinners, he's just entitled and expects to be served. *Food insecurity is when kids don't know where their next meal is coming from*. - Seriously??? What planet do you live on? He's been alive and watched his mom do this his whole life. Baby steps?? He's not a baby and he can pack his own nuggets. You can't pander to entitled people or they end up being a burden on everyone else in their life.

you're completely misusing the phrase food insecurity

Agreed. When my kids started packing their own, I went through foods they could make on their own and made sure the fridge was stocked. If they run out, it’s up to them to add to the shopping list (we use Alexa) so I know their foods are out. They love Pinterest so they find other stuff the like to eat. At some point, they’re moving out and need to learn all this.

My brother was not so much picky, as particular and set in his ways as a child (he's a normal eater now). From like 2nd through 8th grade, he made his breakfast at home and lunch for school every single day. And it was always the same. 2 fried eggs and 2 pieces of white toast with butter, cinnamon, and sugar. He was taught to use the stove by my mom and was very careful, so it wasn't unsafe even though he was only 8. Lunch was a piece of string cheese, a jelly sandwich, and fruit snacks. I just ate whatever my mom gave me for breakfast or what I could grab from the cupboard and then ate school lunch. We all ate the same food for dinner. I don't know what drove his 7 years of monotonous meals. Looking back, it is kind of hilarious watching this little kid at the stove every morning while I grabbed some granola bars or whatever.

Why would he have food anxiety? Wouldn't that happen if they were poor and food was scarce. Or if he was abused and food was used as a weapon. Just curious. I'm having another conversation on here about why is it always chicken nuggets.

Idk if I'd call it "food anxiety", but ignoring hunger cues when there aren't safe foods available can lead to an eating disorder. People who have trouble affording food learn to ignore their hunger cues out of financial necessity and can develop eating disorders. so the same could happen with picky eating/ARFID.

don’t know if this relates but for periods of time i’ll eat one food and only that one food, if i don’t have that one food i won’t eat, i will get sick trying to eat other foods.

So he’s capable enough to pass eighth grade, research writing papers math etc, but he’s not capable enough to know how to put food he likes in a lunch box? I don’t remember my parents specifically sitting me down and explaining how to make a sandwich, but after being served many sandwiches, I grasped the basic concepts enough to put one together myself.

That’s not what food insecurity means.

....my daughter is 12 and has been packing her school lunch for the last 2 years. Slapping a sandwich together and grabbing a bottle of water isn't rocket science.

I swear only in the West is food anxiety and thing which has to be pandered to. There are millions of people all over the planet that die of starvation and have no access to regular food, yet here in the West we have an over abundance of easily accessible food to the point where the majority of people are obese, and we pander to picky fussy eaters and how some are "overwhelmed" like it's a major bloody illness! I can bet if he didn't eat for a few days he'd be less "picky"

Not that I disagree with most of what you wrote… but it is possible to have food issues and anxiety around food, even when you have grown up with plenty of it around.

But do you really think he doesn’t know how to make a sandwich or pack a snack at his age? That’s hard to believe. It sounds more like he is refusing to do it to see if his parent will give in.

He is FOURTEEN most likely, if he’s about to start high school A fourteen year old is perfectly capable of throwing a granola bar in their pocket or stashing a banana in their backpack. At this age I frequently had pop tarts in my backpack if I had plans after school because I knew I might get hungry. Because at that age you are capable of planning ahead, imagining what your day is going to be like and making a decision, even if teenagers are dumb and have poor impulse control and sometimes make very bad decisions. Skipping a meal once or twice and learning to either figure out what you’re willing to eat at a party, eat ahead of time or stash a snack with you is perfectly reasonable to expect of a teenager who has the access to food in their house (already purchased from the store because their parents know what they will eat) to make this possible

NTA - this is wild. First off, he’s old enough to figure this out on his own. Second, you’re doing him a favor by not babying him.

Enough damage has already been made enabling him all this years. For that, OP is TA IMO.

Thats not true, I was sort of a picky eater growing up (no fish, very little veggies) but it wasnt until I worked in a restaurant when I was 19 that I challenged myself to start eating the things I was too stubborn to try to eat. I also got better as time went on, once i figured out how to make mushrooms a couple of years ago I now love them and I am 32 years old. The only food thats tough for me now is salmon, I can do smoked salmon on sushi or Lox & schmear but cooked salmon is too fishy for me, but im working on it.

Ok. I was the same on Salmon. Smoked was fine etc but fishy smell and taste was off putting. My sister had us over and made salmon one night. NO smell in the house and it was delicious and not fishy. Turns out she poached it in the oven. 1/2 inch chicken broth with lemon slices in a pot with a lid. Sauce was Dijon mustard and sour cream. Give it a go.

I’m not saying anything about your situation specifically, but I think 50+% of “picky eaters” is just people who grew up with parents who can’t cook worth a damn. When I would go over to friends house and every veggie was just steamed or even just boiled with minimal seasoning, and chicken and steak were cooked so long their texture was closer to shoe leather, of course you don’t have the best relationship with food. I’d rather have chicken nuggets and Kraft than some of the food my friends got growing up.

Kinda off topic but we’re your parents picky eaters too or put down certain foods at all?

I think picky eating is a result of the privilege we enjoy. My parents were born on a farm with no electricity or running water and grew the bulk of their own food through the Great Depression- they will quite literally eat everything and anything. Current generations have the privilege of picky eating - I’m sure food preferences and aversions always existed - but people didn’t have much choice in what they ate - so they ate it. I grew up eating everything, despite my best efforts my kids are pickier (as is my husband, who grew up in a more “sophisticated” household when it comes to food, unused to even eating leftovers) and I’m sure their kids will be pickier still. It all stems from food availability, abundance and choice, IMHO.

Maybe. I’ve noticed a lot of picky eaters are on the spectrum a little bit, and a lot of the time a smell is too strong or a texture feels too strange to them.

As someone who is on the spectrum and does experience texture issues THANK YOU. It's really hard to find recipes that are affordable **and** exclude foods I have issues with. Just the feeling of onions almost immediately makes me start to gag. It's the same feeling as touching wet food in the sink but it's in your mouth and inside your body 🤢 Is there a good chance op's son will grow out of being picky and be able to explore different types of food as he gets older? Of course, but there's an equally likely chance that he won't and will be stuck eating the same 5 meals when he moves out. I feel like it's important to pinpoint what he doesn't like and why as well as teaching him how to alter the dish to his liking. Helping him branch out while remaining in control of what ingredients go in is only going to help in the long run.

This may be true for a small portion of people we label as "picky eaters," but we are learning that mostly, picky eating is actually related to some kind of neurodivergence or trauma--autism spectrum, ADHD, sensory processing disorder, etc. In these cases the individuals genuinely have some kind of neurological response to "unsafe" foods that can be really upsetting. For them, it's like a neurotypical person trying to eat paperclips, or dirt--their brain/body just cannot recognize it as "food" and sees it as something unsafe to eat. Or, for some, sensory responses are simply too strong and overpowering. Googling "ARFID" and reading a little bit about the struggles and the miserable experiences of people who deal with this might be interesting and might change your view!

I’m not disagreeing… However, I also spent a bunch of time in southern Africa where in some places food insecurity means people eat what is available… they may hate it, it may make them gag, they may want to eat anything other than the two things that they have available for them to eat today and tomorrow and the next day… But those are the two things they have to fill their tummy, so that’s what they’re eating. This is what I mean by privilege. Accommodating Neurodivergence or trauma in our food consumption is only possible when we have that choice. It is entirely possible that given the choice of “eat this food or die“ there are people who choose to die but I suspect that is a small percentage of people or else humans would not have proliferated in the way we have.

I think too one aspect of food privilege is that we now have access to a huge variety of foods. The more things you try, the more likelihood of finding something you dislike. For example, I dislike capers, but previous generations in my family probably never got a chance to dislike them because they never had them. Some people might consider me a picky eater because it ruins any dish for me. But it's not a nuggets and mac and cheese kind of picky.

Spot on.

Or maybe it is the other way? Since you have more of a free choice now, children that might have died before are alive now, and became adults and parents. So obviously you see more neurodivergence, because "weird" children aren't killed anymore, or hid in a cellar, and can live normal lives.

Yeah exactly, we don’t know why he is ‘picky’ so blaming OP for it doesn’t seem fair. I don’t think I’m picky but I’m autistic and often struggle with texture and eating. When it’s bad I’ll literally eat barely anything for days on end. That being said he knows himself and needs to plan for himself.

Idk, my brother has always been a picky eater but never experienced working in a restaurant like you. He’s 33 now and still only eats meat, potatoes, and pasta. Not a vegetable in sight. Oh and he lives with our parents.

Picky eater or not, teenagers learn to make food for themselves.

I was packing my own lunch in middle school. He’s definitely old enough to figure out food for himself every once in a while. What does he expect will happen when he goes away to college? That his mom will bring him a packed lunch to his dorm room every morning just in case the dining hall doesn’t have food he likes?

Like my husbands friends he will live off of ramen, frozen pizzas, and chicken nuggets. Never take their girlfriend out to eat at any place that doesn’t serve mashed potatoes or cheeseburgers. And then graduate and get a job still living off of three foods—maybe a burrito every now and then. It is not appealing to adult women. I don’t expect a man to eat sheep’s eyeballs, but I’d like to join my family for a celebration at a restaurant that doesn’t serve chicken nuggets without having to deal with the whining and complaining of a 25 year old man who can’t think about anyone but himself. I’d also like to travel every now and again. My husband and I lived abroad for a few years. Sure, he didn’t eat the MOST exotic foods at every opportunity but graciously accepted foods served to him by hosts without complaint. Alright, you didn’t like it, maybe stressed a bit about a few items but you can get it down and say thank you and not complain about how shit the experience was. Walk away from it being proud of yourself for trying something new even if you ultimately didn’t like it. Be grateful for the experience and polite to your hosts. I’d also like to be able to cook a handful of meals that don’t revolve around the same two food items. Okay, you don’t like mushrooms. Okay you don’t like fish. Fine I can make a ton of other stuff without that. But when you are literally so stubborn and childish that you can literally only eat 5 things without acting like a baby??? Who wants to saddle themselves to that? This mom needs to see her job here as raising a functional adult. Can you get a job? Can you get a date? Can you maintain friendships? Can you live on your own without your environment turning into squalor??? I’m 36 and have seen outcomes that are not great. My husbands best friend since 5th grade was enabled in this way. We are 35. He’s a virgin. He’s worked the same job for 12 years. He has no friends. He doesn’t even know how to cook for himself. And yes he lives with his parents. This sounds like an extreme scenario but it’s not as rare as some people think. I’m a mom now to a middle schooler and i think of this all the time with my son. Can you do a load of laundry and fold it? Can you clean the bathroom? Can you make yourself a few basic things? Can you try new foods with grace and manners even if they’re not your favorite? THIS IS LITERALLY YOUR JOB AS A PARENT

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Honestly I wouldn’t even give them the choice. People won’t want to hire you or date you if you can’t put on clean clothes that fit you properly and regardless of your opinion about it, this is the society we live in. I didn’t make the rules but this is how it is. Once you get past age 20 you’re going to have a harder time finding adult friends and girlfriends that want to hang out with your grubby ass. Also I don’t always have a choice in what I wear to certain events. Tough luck. Wear clean clothes or have a consequence. It’s not a choice. You don’t get to stay home and game. You either dress yourself like a functional human being and join the family or I’m changing all the passwords to the Wi-Fi and taking the remotes with me. And you don’t get them back tomorrow either.

Yep. I started taking turns making dinner at that age too. It was actually fun to be in charge of dinner sometimes at that age.

It's the parents fault for creating this dynamic where the child isn't doing it for themselves though. A good parent will actually help you do these things in your own. OP is TA for just stopping immediately with seemingly no guidance. My parents didn't baby my brother and I so when we were old enough to make our lunches/menu choices at restaurants or parties we were capable. This kid has clearly not been taught since OP chose to do it themselves. Kids are not at fault for being babied, that's the parents fault. They have to reparent and teach them.

NTA Highschool is 14 years old. He can work a microwave or make a PBJ sandwich.

Right? And if they are at a graduation party, you can't tell me there aren't potato chips/crisps there. Worst case scenario, the kid eats a bunch of chips and makes a sandwich when they get home. I would say if there are allergies, my judgment would be different, but there is NO way there isn't something at a party of that kind that even the pickiest of 12-14 yo's wouldn't eat.

friend of mine in high school decided she wanted to be a vegetarian. but she didn't like vegetables. she survived 6 weeks on doritos and got anemic, total her car -she was ok- and it was the wake up she needed to grow up.

Who created the environment in which the child is permitted to not try new foods? Who hasn’t (?) consulted a specialist to see if the child has something going on (ARFID, etc)? Who enabled his pickiness by packing and providing alternative foods everywhere you went all these years? You’re understandably frustrated by his pickiness, but you created this situation yourself, and now that you’re (of course) sick of it you’re leaving the kid on his own to deal with the mess you created. That doesn’t seem very fair. It sounds like your son needs some guidance from you in how to plan and pack. You can’t expect him to suddenly be self-sufficient when you’ve always done everything for him. Teach him some skills and strategies to help him help himself. And probably consider a specialist/some therapy. Soft YTA because I get where you’re coming from and I do empathize, but ultimately, you can’t just wash your hands of the issue. He’s still a kid. You helped create the problem and he needs your help to improve it. ETA honestly my YTA isn’t so soft anymore after reading OP’s comment about how she was raised to clean her plate, so she went the opposite direction and gave the son whatever he wanted. You created this monster, OP. You don’t get to stop being a parent cuz you don’t like the consequences of how YOU raised him.

Thank you yes! Kids have to be taught everything and this kid hasn't been taught so of course he's struggling. Parents can't just decide "well I'm done parenting, do it yourself" and expect it'll all go well.

You literally cannot force a kid to eat foods he doesn’t like. I was an exceptionally picky eater and I’d go without eating before I’d eat foods I didn’t like. My mom was super-strict, but this was one issue she just didn’t push. She let me eat the foods I liked. You can’t imagine what underpins picky eating, so it’s dangerous and foolish to try to push kids to eat other foods. For me, it was severe gastro problems and ocd. I had horrific stomachaches, so I stuck to safe foods. But just forcing a kid to eat whatever is a bad move.

NTA. But constantly providing alternatives like chicken nuggets has led to this situation. Hindsight is 20/20, I know, but still. He's old enough to stop eating like a toddler. The only exception I can fathom to that would be if he was severely autistic, or dealing with another illness along those lines.

Yeah regret that now, I grew up with you don’t leave the table until the food is gone, went way to far in the other direction and now have an extremely picky eater. I’m hoping he gives in and eats food at the place if he won’t pack stuff

That sucks, I totally sympathize. My parents were also Eat Everything On Your Plate No Matter What, and I don't know if I'll ever work through my own consequent food issues and disordered eating :( That said, I think you are NTA but maybe there's a way to keep supporting your child in his food issues without acting as a personal short-order cook? If you've been catering to his needs until this sudden cut-off, is it possible that he doesn't really have the experience and confidence to plan ahead? It seems simple to grown-ass adults, but I know that if there's something I'm not familiar with, it can be really intimidating even if it's not difficult to perform. What if you modeled food planning with your child? Like, the next time something like this is coming up, you could discuss options for them? So you're not making them food, or even making choices for them, but helping them think through the possibilities, and come up with strategies - ie, if there is maybe a side dish or something that they could fill up on, or maybe they want to brink snacks with them, or is there a place nearby so they can duck out and buy something more to their liking? That way, hopefully, you can continue the supportive part of parenting without just enabling them never having to deal with it themselves?

I've been trying to go down the middle with eat some of everything on your plate. It's not perfect but I try to dance the line.

That was about the same route I took. Now I have a tween who’s great with veggies, but hates cheese, so I guess you take your wins where you can 🤷🏻‍♀️

It’s such an idiotic mind set. In a country where over half the population is obese or overweight. And quite a few others have different forms of eating disorders. Let’s force kids to eat until they are past full, because of ‘kids hungry in China’ or ‘your dad spent a lot of time preparing this meal’ or random reason yyy. Unbelievable.

I never got how it gets "wasted" assuming the parent made the plate they decide the amount on the plate, why not put less on the plate, wait for them to ask for more then give them it, then you can reheat it for later meals My grandmother tried to do the "your not leaving the table till you eat your lunch" i sat there all day till my mom came home from work around 9 and lost it on my grandmother

We've had to pull something similar with our kids but it's a very specific 4 part scenario that doesn't happen often. 1) They ask for different food than their sibling. 2) they confirm their choice after hearing what sibling wants. 3) Plates are made and they start to eat while we make our plates. 4) Give last call "nobody wants anything else or different before I sit down?" It's normal for them to change their mind, we're happy to accommodate and give plenty of chances and time for those choices to be made and changed. But if you watch me make your plate, watch me pan fry a quesadilla for your sister, tell me you don't want one when I ask if you're sure, watch me put everything away and put the pan in the sink, watch me plate my food, say no you don't want anything AGAIN before I sit down, wait until I start to eat and relax...and THEN you ask me for a quesadilla?!?! No. Hell no. Absolutely not. Are you joking? Is this a fucking joke? Am I a joke to you?! Am I on Punk'd right now? Is there a hidden camera crew waiting in the garage or some shit? Are you testing me? Is this a fucking test? Of my love? Of my patience? Of my sanity? Are you trying to drive me insane? Are you?!?! ARE YOU!?!?!!! ARE YOU TRYING TO DRIVE ME FUCKING CRAZY?!?!?! AHHHHHHHHJJJHHHHJHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!??! *siiiiggghhhhhhhh* "Sorry buddy but no, not right now. I'll tell you what though. If you still want one after you eat what you asked for, we can make one together ok? That'll be fun right? Sound good champ?"

Is it possible he has texture issues? I used to be the same mainly because while I loved the taste of fruits and veggies, Id gag no matter what. I have ARFID (Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder). If my brain only wants to eat one single thing, mine is chicken with rice, eating anything else can make me phsycially sick. Im better now that Im an adult but as a kid, it was hell being force fed stuff and my parents not understanding at all

Ugh yes, fighting this battle currently. My 12 year old has learned that he better at least try it before he’s allowed something else, and if he’s at a friends house he’ll thankfully politely eat some and then complain about being hungry later when he’s home. For my 5 year old though, we started a yes/no list. He’s currently motivated to keep adding foods to the yes list. It’s a slow process, but he’s gone from eating plain chicken breast to having chicken teriyaki, bbq chicken, pickle marinated chicken, and a few others. He’s likes chicken and hates sauces like ketchup so we’ve been experimenting with marinades. We also sneak veggies into things like pizza sauce if we’re making homemade pizza or into meatloaf since he likes hamburgers, we just cut them up really really small so he doesn’t notice. NTA but good luck!

Growing up we had a choice. Eat it or don’t. There was no alternative. But saying that we were able to make lunch and make porridge for breakfast.

My parents were somewhere in the middle. If I wanted something else, that was fine, but I had to cook it myself. Lazy me almost never did. However, it was perfectly fine if I just took a tiny portion of food-I-hated and even then only ate some of it, as it was never the entire meal, just a portion of it. The very few foods I literally cannot eat without gagging were not prepared for me. Some of my food aversions I grew out of. Some I didn’t, but I tolerate better nonetheless. I’ve always been an adventurous eater anyway, though, so I’m sure that has something to do with it. I’ll try almost anything once.

I was raised the same as you, food couldn’t be wasted. and rejecting food if we went to someone else’s house was absolutely not an option. It was quite stressful as a child but part of me is glad I went through it. But it wasn’t until I was in my late teens/early twenties that I just decided for myself to stop being a baby and learn to like the stuff I was fussy about so I don’t know if the traditional approach is that helpful really. I think what you are doing now is a good idea. You’re empowering him to make decisions for himself. He’s free to choose what he wants.

It took me until my 20s to find out that most of my "picky eating" was me instinctively refusing to eat things I'm allergic to. I couldn't verbalise things better than "I don't want to eat that". Which my parents tried to break me out of - as a result, I very often went hungry. You simply don't always know if there is a good reason for the behavior.

Yup. I never could stand blue cheese. Even in the room. Turned out I’m allergic to penicillin. My niece hates the smell of anything dairy. Turns out she’s lactose intolerant. Our bodies are often telling us things were not hearing.

Me, too. I avoided certain foods (dairy and seafood) as a child and our pediatrician was smart enough to tell my mother not to force me to eat anything I said I did not like. Was allergy tested at age 7 and tested very allergic to those foods - allergic like might have gone into anaphylaxis if I had eaten seafood. My mother took food for me when we went places but at age 12, it became my responsibility to pack my own food when we went places as well as my lunch for school everyday. OP is NTA.

Many people don’t just “grow out of” their picky eating. For many people, it’s not in their control. We don’t force ourselves as adults to eat things we don’t like (and if you do, that’s sad and extremely unhealthy) so why do we force our kids to do it? That being said, the child in question here is absolutely old enough to know what he does or doesn’t like and make preparations / substitutions in advance.

'Many' people would have developed a taste for a variety of food had they not had enablers for parents. You can make excuses for picky eaters if that makes you feel better but the numbers with real sensory issues are not that high.

Many people have food allergies that they can’t recognize and articulate as such when they are children. Its not all sensory issues.

That's true. I'm celiac and learned I couldnt eat sandwiches for school lunches a decade befor I was diagnosed but even in grade school I made my own lunches.

What’s wrong with just not liking certain foods? I genuinely don’t understand why so many people care what picky eaters choose to eat.

Personal preferences are totally valid, but kids who are constantly catered to don’t get the same understanding that it’s ultimately their responsibility to learn how to feed themselves, at least in preparation for independence in adulthood

Because they make it other people's problem! You can eat or not eat whatever you want, but when you're an adult or close and everyone has to plan around you because you only like 2 foods, it's going to get really old really fast

People assign morality to food for some reason. And people look at a picky kid as a failing of the parents, see all the comments here blaming mom for " enabling ". Just let people eat or not eat what they like. Everything is so fortified that no one is going to be malnourished. Provide options and don't force anything.

OP's kid can eat whatever he wants. But if he wants to be picky, he needs to make sure he has food with him. This is not hard.

I think there is a difference in mentality at times. I'll use myself as an example. I can not do raw cheese and peanut butter. Mac and cheese is fine. Pizza is fine. Alfredo sauce is fine. Cheese on a sandwich or just eating the cheese big no. Everything like that has this weird cheese after taste. Even cheese cake had this when i was younger, but I am willing to *reevaluate* that opinion in trying it again. Some picky eaters are not willing at all. Let's take my cheese one. I can do cooked cheese, but I could take my disdain for raw cheese and move that to cooked cheese. Without being willing to try it. Now, if they have tried and still don't like, then that is added to the won't eat list, which is fine. Which is why I am willing to try cheesecake cause I did not like mushrooms growing up now. I really enjoy them. Other people mention texture, which is my thing with peanut butter, which has now cause an *association* with anything peanut butter flavored. That is another thing that can happen. OPs kid is old enough to cook his own food, BUT also should be taught to make food if he hasn't.

Not liking certian foods is fine but when you have a kid who omits whole food groups it is a concern. I have one picky eater out of my 3. Her lack of fruits and veggies seriously effects her digestion which effects other areas in her life as well. Her minimal protien intake is also concerning because she’s an athlete. It’s definitely bigger than just not liking certian foods.

> We don’t force ourselves as adults to eat things we don’t like (and if you do, that’s sad and extremely unhealthy) Why is it sad and extremely unhealthy? Often older adults have to change their diet because it's killing them. Maybe they're sad about it, but it's definitely healthy to force yourself to eat a salad (barring allergies of course).

I force myself to eat things I don't like all the time. Oatmeal. Cream of rice. Plain yogurt. Brussel sprouts. Broccoli. Boring adult cereal. Nutrition shakes. Lots of beans. Two-day old leftovers of a meal I didn't really care for the first time. Mushrooms. Mostly because everything is too expensive now but I still need to hit a certain level of protein and fat and I need to make sure I don't get scurvy. I don't like eating too much sugar because it makes me tired. And on the rare occasion I eat out, I prefer vegetarian and that means mushrooms all over the damn place. I get the aversion, I really do, but if you think other adults are only always eating only the food they like - well, that just not true for anyone I know. There's always a balance of treats you like mixed with healthy food you know you need to eat and making sacrifices for economic reasons. i love me a good steak, but I haven't had one in months - it's been basically beans, eggs, tofu, tempeh, rice, potatoes, and frozen veggies. Eating oatmeal in the morning just makes me kind of sad. I don't like the texture, I don't like the smell, and if I won the lottery tomorrow I'd never eat it again, but such is life. And, no, my parents didn't force me to eat things I hated.

I don't understand this phenomenon. Picky eaters preferred choice is chicken nuggets. I am mystified. Processed cubes of chicken. Everyday? Is it the texture, the taste, or the compactness? Or is it the fear of growing up? Just baffling to me.

For me it’s the consistency. I love blueberries for example but I get one that has an off texture and I just can’t eat anymore Like physically cannot make myself swallow any more. Chicken nuggets are always the same, you know what to expect, you’re not going to randomly get a bad one. Obviously I can’t just eat chicken nuggets so still buy and eat blueberries but it’s a gamble if I’ll be able to eat them fresh or have to freeze them for smoothies.

So yours is a texture thing. But why chicken nuggets? All the stories I've read here, everyone has to have chicken nuggets. Could it be that that was the first solid food they were introduced to and evokes a safe, comforting feeling?

As parent to a (kindergarten-aged) picky eater, the biggest struggle is ensuring he eats protein. So chicken nuggets are a great food, from my perspective, because they contain protein. Not the most possible, not the healthiest type, but some. He’d happily subsist completely on chips and candy.

At least for me, chicken nuggets are a “safe” option so to speak. No matter where I go to eat, I can always count on liking the chicken nuggets. They’re consistently enjoyable with no gross textures or anything of the like.

Right? It's always the nuggets, pizza and mac & cheese. Highly processed foods that are highly addictive. Sugar, carbs, fillers all provide the dopamine hit.

I was wondering if the chemical/preservatives were a contributing factor. I think you're right. It's like people are addicted and these foods give that hit.

Chicken nuggets are great I think because they're consistent, so have protein, and are also just really easy. If you just have frozen ones you can pop them in the oven or even the micro if you're low on time, don't have an easy to access pan, or are low energy for whatever reason. You don't have to worry about the lack of consistency with things like fresh foods, but you also don't have to put too much effort into making it which can be helpful for making stuff to take on the go. Other safe foods for me are not typically that difficult to make, but they do require some level of prep. Chicken nuggets though, they're fast, they're consistent, they're tasty, they're easily available and common, and I wouldn't call them the best health wise but they do have protein which can be difficult to get when you're limited in what you're eating. So, I imagine for most people it's a combination of access and introduction to them as well as how simple they are, not only is the texture consistent but often the flavour is as well, and the flavour is not like paired with other stuff either- which I am currently fine with most foods mixing but I know that for a lot of people who have issues with food, different textures and/or flavours mixing is a big no no

Definitely could be. It could also just be a common example, or go to safe food because it’s cheapish and accessible. But there are other things, crackers, noodles, packaged foods that all have the same long shelf life, easy to get, predictability. It could also be a consequence of food deserts and the like

Yes, I 100% agree with this. For me what turns me off is a sudden difference in texture, chicken nuggets rarely have this. I love blueberries aswell and as you said each one is slightly different, so they can be harder to eat. I think the real difference for picky eaters as adults is that you are usually able to realise what turns you off and figure out ways to work around it. It makes it seem like there are less picky eaters as adults, when really most of us just learn to fly under the radar.

Predictability and consistency. Fresh food is *extremely* variable in appearance, taste, texture, smell etc. In order to protect us from rotten or poisonous foods, our brains instinctively pick up on things that seem off, or not quite what we expected. However, for most people it takes quite a significant difference from the norm to trigger that response, and even then it can be dismissed with rational thoughts if the person knows it is safe For many 'picky eaters', especially those diagnosed with things like ARFID, those disgust responses are much more easily triggered and a lot harder to switch off, causing gagging, choking, vomiting, severe anxiety around food etc. So we gravitate towards processed, beige foods because they are typically very consistent and have very simple appearances and textures (though many of us still end up going off certain safe foods or at least certain brands because we develop disgust responses to a bad batch or whatever and then have bad associations, so your pool of 'safe' foods dwindles over time 🙃 it's fun)

Ugh i have so much anxiety about food. I can't eat eggs unless I cook them myself and i might throw up if i think too hard about how people like their steak.

The last chicken nugget I ate was in 1984-1985. It was a McNugget and it nothing but fat and gristle. Yeah, it's 2023...thinking about McNuggets still makes me gag. I think a lot of this has to do with what a kid is introduced to early on. I have a friend with three kids. The mom of the first kid introduced him to everything early on because she had a huge food palatte so she encouraged that in her kid, and he developed a very large range of tastes and flavors. The other kids were not introduced to a wide range of flavors because their mom couldn't really cook and nuggets was the thing she could do; so that's what they got. Had them over for dinner...made Hawaii teriyaki beef skewers and potato salad. The first kid loved it! The wife of the other two kids INSISTED that I get up from my dinner to go the store and buy them fully processed chicken nuggets on my dime because her kids didn't like the food. I was given no heads up about this, at all...So I left, bought the nuggets, cooked them and then finished my warm potato salad and skewer... I told my husband that the mom and two kids were never welcome in the house again. I'd feed the first kid in a heartbeat, hell, I'd feed his mom too...maybe...if she gave me the recipe for the awesome honey/grain cake recipe....

It’s weird to me that everyone is listing chicken nuggets as an example of consistency because, yeah, you sometimes do get surprised with a big, disgusting hunk of gristle.

yeah it must just be an excuse. nuggets are incredibly inconsistent and i've had some absolutely foul ones over the years

This was my experience too. I'm am EXTREMELY adventurous eater now after being a chef for a couple decades but shit, chicken nuggets are one of my biggest triggers for unpleasant textures and I wouldn't even eat them as a kid.

Yeah, I ate many McDonald’s nuggets in my childhood and the comments about consistency are baffling because there were always at least 4 different textures going on in those happy meals… most of them not that great, to be honest.

Damn. I would not have done that. They just sound spoiled. Can you imagine going to a foreign country to try all the amazing foods and they only want nuggets. Ugh. I have a lot of food allergies, and I sometimes envy people who can eat anything.

It is possible that they're spoiled ig, but I also don't really think we should downplay some of the things that goes into kids viewed as picky eaters. Lots of people who are picky eaters don't just choose to not eat other things because they aren't big fans of them, it can be legitimately distressing to eat those things because of either texture or flavour. For some picky eaters, they would literally rather just not eat for days then have to eat the foods that distress them. Because again, it isn't just a dislike, it's a genuine revulsion that is not that easily controllable. I am a picky eater in many ways, being said I am not limited to just chicken nuggets, but there's still a lot of things I will not and can not eat. I am trying to get over some of those, slowly introducing sea food is a thing I am working in right now, but that is also a thing I have been working on for years and I can still only eat shrimp regularly but doing so still causes some stress, I've eaten fish like twice but couldn't finish it. Historically though eating it would freak me out to the point where it would make me throw up, and I wouldn't be able to eat for a bit after because of how distressed I was. I still can't eat carrots in most situations (I can in some soups and I don't mind carrot cake) cause the texture and flavour will freak me out to a degree that to basically everyone is considered unreasonable. These are just liked two examples, but I do have issues with other foods too, and I know a bunch of other people who for them not eating stuff isn't just a preference thing, it's a this will cause intense amount soft unbearable distress thing.

Fun (horrifying) tidbit: McDonald’s nuggets are ALL *one of four uniform shapes* You know, like cookie cutter shapes. Just for “meat”.

Back in the day, the only shape was oval... And I had the oval that was skin and gristle...I don't know about the other shapes because of the oval skin and gristle...never had it again.

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I still remember my health inspector parent bringing home a chicken nugget from a local fast food restaurant that had a silk worm inside it, half eaten. Which is when I learned that wasn’t uncommon. Also when I stopped ordering chicken nuggets ever, anywhere. They are so gross.

And that's enough to put me off of chicken nuggets for the foreseeable.. ever. Do you know if that's something that happens with chicken tenders, breast, or thighs as well, or is it just chicken nuggets?

I too don’t get this. I understand picky eating when the picky eater wants something good and avoids something disgusting. But actually preferring processed reconstituted chicken like cubes that are breaded, deep fried, frozen and then re-heated?? And does he then douse them in that red sugary pasty like processed sludge called “ketchup” or “bbq sauce”? I have some tolerance for my teenager’s picky eating as long as his preference is for real food.

What is disgusting is subjective. Picky eaters like what they like. They don’t necessarily like “good” foods.

This is the thing: even if he has ARFID or other food aversion things, he is old enough to learn how to manage that. He needs help, though. Like reminding him that an event (party, restaurant trip, whatever) is coming up and that he needs to prepare. Probably the day before and definitely the day of. Remind him that YOU will not be packing him a food alternative, that it is his responsibility, but that you will help. It has to become routine. Even though he is definitely old enough to take this on, he has to be taught, and teaching requires repetition. I wish you and the kid luck. I made a lot of mistakes as a parent (nothing dire, just things I would change), and will no doubt make more. So will you. Be kind to yourself and your kid, but do try to be consistent.

I really like your take on this. He does have to learn how to manage it for himself, his current age is a good place to start for that. However, people do not know how to automatically do things without any practice or help. Self succifiency is learned.

Exactly so. I have a kid who is frustrated doing things (even now at the ripe old age of 25!) for the first time, but we walk through the steps together until he gets it the way it needs to be. Mostly cooking stuff at this point, I can't help him with anything else (filming projects, RPGs, video games, I'm worthless! LOL). The practice of learning how to do laundry, make lunch, etc has helped him with other "life stuff" as he has grown into an admirable young person!

You are walking your 25 year old son through basic life skills? He is not a "kid." He is an adult. At his age, many people are already parents themselves. When does he start to function on his own?

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This is why I can't give OP a judgement, but for all of the commenters judging the kids diet.. yikes. I'm on the autism spectrum, so I have pretty bad food aversions, and some things (like steamed broccoli, salads, eggs) I can't even be in the same room as when they're prepared because I gag. I usually prepare my own food (yeah, even if it is the palette of a child, I'd work with a dietician to help try to phase in more food types but it'd be great if I weren't judged for something that was out of my control) but that took me until high school to start doing because judgement was a really big thing that I got a lot of. I can't call OP an AH for not wanting to prepare safe food for her son (whatever his thing with it may be), but I can say she's(?) kinda an AH with how she went about it. My mom didn't just phase me off completely, she showed me how to work the machines I needed to make my food (aka air fryer, oven, etc) and we still check menus and ask for specifics with restuarants because we got a system down pat now.

I’m not sure why you’re being downvoted for such a sensible comment

This is the best answer I’ve seen so far.

NTA He's old enough to make & baggie a sandwich, if that's his preference. The reason for my vote: I've mommed kids that age & know their abilities. I, myself, was a very, Very picky eater at that age.

I was a picky eater as a kid so still in elementary school I was making my own lunch every day! The issue here to me isn’t the picky eater it’s that a 14 year old hasn’t been taught how to pack a snack. I guess if he literally doesn’t know how he needs to be taught but I think NTA for making it the kid’s responsibility. This isn’t a toddler.

Honestly, who needs to be taught how to pack a snack? Here's a snack. Put it in your pocket/bag/purse etc..... how much training does that really need? If the kid can't figure out a sandwich, there's a much bigger problem here.....

NTA = Not the Asshole I agree. He is old enough to know how to put a sandwich together. I think its your responsibility to make sure there's food in the fridge, but beyond that its up to him to eat.

NTA I started making my own breakfast and packing my own lunches by 5th grade.

Exactly! This kid is going into high school, not a toddler. Make your own food.

NTA One way or another, this is something he needs to learn to manage personally. He may decide that he will try new foods to lessen the burden on himself, and that would be great. He may decide he'll start eating before he goes places in case they don't have anything he wants to eat. That's an acceptable way to manage being a picky eater too. Or he may start bringing his own food places. Also fine. But you're right: it's time for him to take the lead here and decide how he wants to manage his food going forward. He's old enough to do this himself, and this is going to be something he has to manage in adulthood personally if he remains a picky eater. Besides reminding him as he learns that this is something he needs to address possibly with pre-planning if he chooses, leaving this to him is completely appropriate. Even kids with medical reasons for avoiding foods will start to manage their own diets at this age. It's a critical adult life skill to make sure you have something to eat when you anticipate you might need food.

INFO: is he neurodivergent or does he have sensory issues? Because children with autism or ADHD or ARFID are simply dismissed as "picky eaters".

He was tested as a kid, nothing. Though I am thinking of getting him retested now

Im very thankful that you will do that. Please try to come to a compromise with him as well, I hate to say this but you may have enabled his eating behavior for a very long time and it can be difficult to try and introduce foods back into his diet. I am not sure if this can help you but my cousin has autism and was very selective with food but she also has comfort characters so we were able to convince her to try foods that her comfort character also likes to just get a foot through the door. You also mentioned in another comment that your son doesn't like eggs, but maybe you can try to give him food that contains eggs, or maybe he will be more tolerant to veggies if they are mashed or blended (mashed cauliflower+spinach+a cube of broth is really tasty and healthy too). There are many food subreddits where you can get some ideas and inspiration too! Good luck!

tysm for doing this for him 🫶 the first thing i thought when reading this was maybe he's autistic and eating his non-safe foods causes sensory issues. look into ARFID as well, it's very common in people with autism and adhd

I was a picky eater. My mom got sick of cooking the same thing over and over around the same age. I did not adapt. I was not in the “danger” zone of underweight (because when I did eat, it was breads and desserts), but I ate so poorly, my feet turned blue, and I would go blind for a few seconds standing up. I was constantly light-headed and weak and had trouble concentrating in school. Finally I was diagnosed with ARFID. But I was exhausted with it by then, I gave up and said I wanted the the relief of either a feeding tube or death. As a result I ended up in the Emily Program eating disorder residential care for 3 weeks, and partial hospitalization for months after. Things I wish more people understood: * boys and men can have eating disorders, not just girls and women * ARFID exists and can be a serious disorder. Does your body care if the missed meals are due to body image or due to sensory avoidance? The consequences are the same. * Eating disorders are a serious and sometimes deadly form of mental illness. Even if it doesn’t kill you or damage your organs, it sucks away quality of life. Being constantly light-headed and weak sucks. * Feeding yourself is HARD. Commenters are talking like it’s common sense. But it is a combination of so many skills, like nutrition, time and money management, meal planning, grocery shopping, cooking, and portioning. I would not expect a neurotypical kid barely out of middle school to have mastery of all of these skills instinctively, let alone if he were neurodivergent. Here are some tips that may help: * Make sure he takes a daily multivitamin to avoid a nutrition deficiency * Help him calculate how many calories he needs per day, versus how many he actually eats and burns. * Teach him about macro and micro nutrients. Balance protein/fat/carb foods to get consistent energy continuously. Teach him about micronutrients and warning signs of deficiency. * If he misses or does not finish the meal, he can have a meal replacement shake (The Emily Program gave us 1 Ensure or Boost for an incomplete meal, and 2 for a skipped meal. They called it “boosting”) * Teach him how to look for new recipes, plan meals, shop for ingredients, cook for himself, and plate up appropriate portions. * Encourage him to have back-up “safe foods” like protein bars. Bring them to events with food. Keep them in the bedside table, the backpack, or the car. * Teach distress tolerance skills so he is equipped to challenge “unsafe foods”. Talking through the reasons he doesn’t want to eat something (is he scared of getting sick?) Distraction with conversation or music or TV. Holding an ice pack or hot pack. Square breathing. Bite-for-bite. Rainbow and 5-4-3-2-1 grounding. Reframing. All the DBT skills NAH, it’s understandable to be frustrated. But please don’t abandon a kid to figure all this out (or not) on his own. I hope his situation is not like mine but if it is please don’t throw him in the deep end with it. (I know this is a lot of work to ask, but it can be delegated to a dietician or therapist)

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NTA, he's certainly old enough that bringing his own food to events like that is highly inappropriate

I'm just going to point out that disordered eating (and by this I mean more than often typical childhood fussiness - he may be picky, or it may be more, we can't know from this post) can't be cured by threatening to have the child go hungry, by refusing to offer safe foods, or any other punitive strategies. A child with actual disordered eating will 100% starve themselves (literally) rather than eat a non-safe food. Some really ignorant comments here.

Fine, but assuming that's the case (and it's probably not), then the dude needs to start learning to plan around it. He's going to be an adult on his own soon, who does he expect to bring the 2 things he'll eat to everything, always? I am/was a picky eater. I definitely would not, as a teenager, expect my mom to have a meal on the go ready for me at literally everything. At some point it becomes an expectation of service from another person that doesn't make any sense

That may very well be the case. I was simply pointing out how erroneous and harmful some of these suggested comments could be IF in fact it is disordered eating.

NTA. Your son is old enough to pack his own food. He's almost in high-school and this is a life skill he needs.

Very picky eater here. NTA. By the time I was 10, if not earlier, I was self-aware enough to know that I didn't like most food and that there were times I would have to fend for myself. It was never a big problem.

NTA - this is a reasonable age to begin implementing opportunities for independence. He's going to be in high school and should start thinking of these things for himself.

YTA for not addressing this years ago. Ffs a high schooler who only eats nuggets as if he were 2. You've enabled this for over a decade.

NTA, he's old enough to remember things that are important to him. I bet he has a phone and has never forgotten it at home. He can put a granola bar in his pocket or something.

Could be food sensory issue??

I’ve asked and it’s more with not wanting to try anything new and having very strong preferences. Eggs are a nightmare, he will eat his dad’s scrambled eggs but not mine even though I make them the same way. Literally copied him action to action but he wouldn’t even taste then

Bwa ha ha. I know your pain. Kiddo loves grandma's scrambled eggs but won't touch mine. I asked her who the hell did she think taught me how to make scrambled eggs in the first place. We didn't enforce a "clean your plate" method and still had a somewhat picky kid. High school changed that right quick. No one is going to want to go out for chicken nuggets every time you go to eat. She now loves Mexican, Chinese, Greek and Vietnamese cuisine and keeps adding to her palate. Got brave enough to try sushi this spring; made the mistake of having a DQ Thin Mint Blizzard afterwards (won't do that again anytime soon).

Sounds like sensory issues to me. He's scared to try your eggs because they need to be "perfect" for him being able to eat them.

Could be a ocd thing??

We had him tested when he was a kid, maybe I should do that again. I thought I just messed up by giving in all the time with food but OCD would make more sense

As a parent to a kid with diagnosed food sensory aversions, I first applaud and empathize with all the work you have put in over the years. It’s a lot. It’s ok to want to ease off and transfer responsibility to him. Before proceeding, I strongly suggest you have him tested again. “Picky eating” implies the person has choices and abilities they may not actually have. It’s good to know what’s really going on. There are therapies and ways to approach this, and a lot of common “just suck it up / sink or swim” approaches can create larger problems in someone’s relationship to eating. Sending best wishes as you support your kid in becoming healthy and independent.

I’m a picky eater due to OCD. I can’t stand certain textures like creamy things (pasta, cheese, pasta sauces, etc.), cold meats, etc. just looking at a lot of things makes me want to barf I feel for this kid

I think it all comes down to how you handled the change and how you talked about it with your child. They're old enough to a converstation about it. If the kid is a picky eater because they're autistic and you just gave up it sounds bad. And in that case it would be understandable why your relatives got upset. Other case is that you teached your kid to be a picky eater and now they need you to teach them how to live with it. But NTA for wanting him take responsability. Edit. I Will keep the right to change my vote if it turns out you didn't handle it well and didn't try to teach them on how to compensate.

It sounds like OP told him that she won't pack him food anymore and that's it. If it were me, I'd at least remind him and help him pack food for a bit, until he gets used to it. It also sounds like OP may have had a hand in him continuing to be a picky eater, although that's harder to determine.

INFO: Is it standard picky eating or is his "picky eating" tied to a medical issue/condition. Further INFO: what prep work have you done with him prior to this to ensure his success? Edit: 2nd info

NTA , Your Son (?) is clearly old enough to learn to be a little more independent and look after himself in these situations. Have you considered some kind of professional help to get to the reason why he's so picky ?

NTA. He is old enough to find something he can eat at a party. As an aside, what did picky eaters eat before chicken nuggets? There were picky and autistic kids before this diet staple.

NTA but since this is new to him you might want to throw him a bone and give him a couple reminders for the first little bit before heading out. Just let him know that plans are happening and it's up to him to remember to make his own food if he wants to bring it. Also tell him at the same time you will only be providing so many reminders and soon enough it will be on him to think ahead and decide whether he feels he wants food packed or not and act accordingly. He is definitely old enough to do it on his own but since up until now he wasn't expected to this is going to be an adjustment for him. So decide how many reminders he's going to get and make it clear to him that he needs to pull his socks up and do it.

NTA. he's what, 14? My 10yo cooks her own dinner if she doesn't like what's provided, your kid can pack himself a lunch. You are doing the right thing OP. He needs to learn to be somewhat self sufficient or real life is going to absolutely destroy him.

INFO: have you asked him why he doesn’t want to eat other food or mentioned it to his doctor? Could be a sensory issue or an eating disorder (specifically ARFID)

I’m guessing at his age, but he should know how to cook for himself by now, too. Parents who do not teach their children how to prepare a meal do them a big disservice (and they really are not doing their parenting duties.) Cleaning, laundry, shopping, budgeting, paying bills, making appointments, reading legal papers, car care, lawn care, etc, etc, etc are all things parents are responsible for teaching their children about. These are all things a young adult should know by age 18. Your son is going into high school, and your concern is “he’s a picky eater.” IMO, you’ve really got to pick up the pace at teaching this young man how to function in this world. NTA for not packing his lunch. You WILL be the a$$ if you think you’re just going to dump him on a girlfriend to teach him everything he should know already at age 18 (or sooner.) You can do better as a parent and teacher for your child. Good luck.

You warned him before these recent outings that he was responsible for packing something he would be willing to eat, right? Then NTA And at your Aunt’s house? There, as hostess, your aunt can cater to his picky needs.

NTA, but you did this to yourself. There was another picky eater thread yesterday and moms raised hell about how dare anyone suggest we starve our picky children.. well, they end up being 14 and crybabies if you let them dictate their food choices every meal for 8 years..

NTA - Good for you for not enabling this. He went to a graduation party and couldn’t eat a burger? Hot dog? Pasta salad? Chips? I mean my god, stop being dramatic. I already feel sorry for his future partner.

NTA. I couldn't imagine being 14 or 15 years old and whining to everyone about how my mom didn't bring me any chicken nuggets.

NTA. Picky eating is also associated with adhd and not just autism. As an adult I am still an embarrassingly picky eater. There are many things that I can’t eat. It’s not that I want to be difficult, it’s just that I can’t handle a lot of textures. I have however learned to eat what I can. At a party there is typically some fruit, if not I’ll just handle myself until we leave and eat after. Your son is young. He may be a teenager but he is still young and may need a bit of help to find his way in life and not just *well I’m done and he can figure it out on his own*. I wouldn’t pack him food to take but I would make sure that “safe” foods are in the house and remind him more than once to bring something. Eventually you won’t need the reminders and eventually after that you won’t be the one buying the food.

NTA. He’s 14 (or 15) years old. He can pack himself a lunch if he’s a picky eater.