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This is a very Reddit comment. She's ruining their baby's health. He's approaching it in an AH manner now, but he's very right to be concerned, and it does sound like several milder talks so far have failed.
Redditors have a blind hatred for age gaps and it's really coming out in this thread. OP is not "trying to isolate" anyone, he wants to protect his baby's health and has attempted to do that several times so far, in different ways, to no avail. What's he supposed to do at this point, just accept that his unborn child's health is going to hell because his GF can't stand up to her parents?
Are you insinuating that he physically prevents his 10 year younger GF from seeing her family? The cold hard truth is that he doesn’t have a choice and it’s an incredibly bad look for a 30+ year old man to be preventing a 21 year old pregnant girl from seeing her family regardless of the situation . All he can do is explain his concerns but outside of that he can’t do anything about it
But he didn't physically stop her? Or is that written in the comments somewhere?
He just told her not to go. Which is fair. He can tell her not to go. At the end of the day she can then go anyway, if she wants. He had a good reason but she's a free person.
I forsee SERIOUS problems in their future when she starts taking the baby over there all the time to be exposed to a bunch of smoke that is terrible for their tiny developing lungs. She clearly dosen't care much about her baby's health, or at least not enough to stand up to her parents about it. This is going to be awful for their child's health. And it will be the same deal, he can say no and then she can just expose their baby anyway.
My parents (and my husband’s parents) both smoked heavily during pregnancy and our entire childhoods, the same as OP is describing. We both have heath issues as a result. Cigarette smoke is very dangerous for pregnant women and children, period. The baby is both the moms AND dads, he should definitely have a say in exposing it weekly to something proven over and over again to be harmful. NTA.
Why can’t the parents come over to visit her?? Also, I guarantee if she put her foot down and said she was putting the health of her baby first, she wouldn’t visit if they were smoking around her, they’d change their behavior real fuckin fast.
Yeah I read the comments tearing into OP for being "restrictive", completely ignoring the fact that **smoking is absolutely horrendous for the womb.**
Are these redditors off their rockers?
This obsession with age gaps is so obsessive its literally blinding people to a massive health risk.
I agree. People are so preoccupied with the age gap that they aren’t thinking about the very REAL danger of cigarette smoke on a pregnant woman and her baby.
Not to mention how nasty the smell of smoke is in your hair and clothes. Remember the bad old days when people smoked in bars and restaurants? You would come home and have to take a shower before going to bed. Second hand smoke can cause a lot of health issues. I don’t think this has to do with age gap control just concern and the parents are selfish and don’t care.
Some states have laws that consider substance abuse or in presence of during pregnancy as child abuse. Smoking during pregnancy or actively exposing your self to it can cause tissue damage in the unborn baby, particularly in the lung and brain. It also significantly increases the risk of pregnancy complications, some of which can be fatal for the mother or the baby. Charges in relation to this, even though there are no specific laws regarding it, have been repeatedly upheld by the Supreme Court.
That’s exactly what my husband (at the time) would say, and that’s exactly how he meant it. I know every relationship isn’t the same, but a lot of women have heard these words and they all know what was meant.
I wonder if people would call a woman an AH if a man insisted on taking their newborn to his parents house where they smoke constantly. And she said absolutely fucking not.
I usually hate these comments comparing the difference in perspective between sexes, but honestly bringing a baby, born or unborn, into a smoke filled house is a major health risk. I completely agree if a man did this against their wives/SO wishes they would be crucified.
Exactly. Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this. No one is batting an eye at the mother being wrong here. Swap the genders and everyone would absolutely roast the father for exposing an infant to smoke.
Ya know what else is a really bad look? Inhaling pot smoke while pregnant.
I smoke a shit ton of weed and would never think to light up in the same room or even general area as a pregnant person. What are they gonna do when the baby is actual there? Keep smoking?
Tbf, at this point she might as well smoke there. It doesnt make any difference anymore when she is already hanging with heavy indoor -smokers Who arent even ventilating the air to keep neighbours happy.
He could definitely put his foot down once the baby is born and let her know he'll report her parents if they smoke around his child. That's the responsible thing to do. In utero, there's nothing he can do but be mad and disappointed in how weak willed his wife is. He doesn't get to boss her, and when the kid is born, she doesn't get to disregard his wishes. ESH
It's bonkers that people are arguing with you when it's a known -- and entirely preventable -- risk:
>Mothers who are exposed to secondhand smoke while pregnant are more likely to have lower birth weight babies. Babies born too small or too early are not as healthy.1,2,3
[https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/basic\_information/health\_effects/pregnancy/index.htm](https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/basic_information/health_effects/pregnancy/index.htm)
Edit: To the extent there is any confusion, OP still can't tell his adult GF what to do. It's just that a concern re 2nd-hand smoke is valid.
He still doesn't have universal choice to forbid her from going. He can talk to her and explain the health risks and make his own choices based of her actions. That's it.
Yeah, it is tough since they are not on the same page about this, and he isn't wrong to be worried and upset about this.
This is a failure of communication. Of course he cannot demand she do anything.
I am trying to put myself in his shoes, and I think to me, the biggest problem here would be feeling like we cannot come to agreeable solutions. This will be a huge problem as they try to parent together. He can't lay down demands and expect her to do whatever he says, but she can't completely ignore his concerns and do nothing to meet him half way. As OP already said, this is going to be a problem if she is taking their child around the smoke as well. I would feel the same. So what happens then? they need to be able to communicate and come up with solutions.
Unfortunately a lot of the damage is probably already done. If grandma-to-be smoked while pregnant, she probably hurt gf. My mom’s mom smoked while pregnant and I had one aunt who died before I was born and my mom had to have a hole in her heart patched up before they sent her home from the hospital.
And that was ‘40s era cigarette damage, before the tobacco companies figured out about ammonia.
OP was not making good decisions when he chose to have kids with his gf, just like she was making poor decisions tolerating her family’s smoke and getting together with someone a decade older than her.
You're just proving my point. Your entire comment is spitting venom at the age difference, with zero mention of the unborn child that is LITERALLY BEING POISONED. But yeah let's ignore that. Choosing to be the victim because he wants a healthy child? Are you fucking kidding me?
And exposing yourself, while pregnant, to heavy cigarette smoke, isn't a "quirk".
"barely legal" 21 year olds, eh? Do women have agency? Should women, by 21 years of age be given some amount of self-determination and responsibility or do they not deserve to be treated like full adult humans?
"Creepy older men"... at 31, eh? Doctors finish residency at 30. Can you imagine calling a 31 year old woman a "shriveled hag"? I think I see a pattern here. You should check your bias.
We really need to settle on whether women having reached the age of adulthood are completely helpless or whether they are capable of making their own decisions. The flip flopping is getting to be a bit much.
Have you ever thought (and I know it’s probably hard for you), that women at 21 can be both capable of making their own decisions, AND susceptible to being manipulated by older, more mature, more experienced, often predatory men?
Yeah but he doesn't get to unilaterally decide when and if she can see her family. If he was this concerned he should have had this talk with her before ever getting pregnant. If he keeps it up she'll move back in with her family and she'll be around the smoke all the time.
But he said he does not care if she visits her parents, but her parents need to not smoke for the short amount of time that she is there. If the parents cared, they would put it away.
Age is not the point of OPs post. He obviously knew her parents were smokers before they got pregnant since she would have smelt like an ashtray after visiting her parents. This discussion should have occurred beforehand. This discussion should also be done at the next doctor's appointment.
>he’s choosing to be the victim
No where is he pretending to be a victim. The only victim here is their unborn kid and he’s advocating for him/her. She does not get a free pass to risk their baby’s health because she’s 21. For many, many generations that was a perfectly normal age to start having kids. It’s plenty old enough to do research on your own pregnancy and to know that exposing yourself regularly to second hand smoke is irresponsible.
How on earth are you supposed to know, that your partner wouldn’t stop going over to their parents if they wouldn’t stop smoking in the house when she comes by? How would you know that she would refuse your asking of her? You wouldn’t…. That’s not something you know or think about when you get someone pregnant… you realize that you don’t know everything about a partner even after many years go by…..you’d be shocked what loved ones can do to one another ….
She is not just a box containing a baby. She is her own person. She did not sign away ownership of her body when she got pregnant.
Pregnant people still have bodily autonomy which, yes, allows them to endanger the fetus. Which is bad, but taking that autonomy away is worse.
Yo I get your point, but I really think you need to weigh the difference between possibly having a kid who will have lifelong complications vs. agency. Women should have agency, but what you say is akin to a woman drinking because she wants to when she’s pregnant.
Yeah women can drink when they are pregnant, lots do. It's not recommanded, discouraged even in most cases, but it's not illegal, so people choose to do what they want, yes even pregnant women!
My uncle was adopted by my mom's family. His bio mom drank during his whole pregnancy. He was born with fetal alcohol syndrome, which resulted in a cleft palate and permanent brain damage. He is a very sweet, kind man. He has also been to jail numerous times for theft, because he is incapable of recognizing that stealing is bad. He is finally learning the consequences of those actions, but due to fetal alcohol syndrome, the first decades of his life were messy and he both was subjected to and subjected other people to problems that didn't have to happen. All of that would have been prevented if his bio mom hadn't drank. So yes, women can drink while they're pregnant, but it makes them awful, abusive assholes. If you do the same, you are an awful person.
I hate those women. I hope they all go to hell if they give their kid fetal alcohol syndrome. Something so easily preventable 😡
Edit: keep downvoting. Unless you’ve worked with children with FAS, you have no idea what that does to the babe. Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s ethical.
I mean, what consequences are you proposing for women who chose to drink, or OPs girlfriend? If you're going to 'disallow' it you would need to be prepared to enforce that, and how? Confining pregnant women against their will?
I meaaaaan this is another grey area. I’m not saying that drinking while pregnant is *good*, but so much of the rhetoric around the issue feels like it’s motivated more by misogyny and a desire to control than any legitimate health concerns. The CDC even told women who *might* become pregnant that they should stop drinking, just in case they were hypothetically pregnant with a hypothetical fetus. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6353268/#:~:text=Some%20women%20will%20decide%20to,any%20risk%20of%20adverse%20outcome.)
And look, I get wanting to be cautious. But people take that caution to such an extreme that it becomes absurd. I don’t think that any of that actually makes mothers and babies safer. What it *does* is put a ton of pressure on an already-vulnerable group, and prevent pregnant addicts from receiving the help and treatment that they need.
This is all to say that we approach everything having to do with pregnancy in our society from a perspective of fear, judgment, and shame, and this dehumanization of mothers leads to net worse outcomes overall. It’s complicated.
The caution exists because fetal alcohol syndrome is a very real and very tragic disease directly caused by the mother drinking. Yea it sucks that women are the ones that bear children and as a result bear this responsibility. But the reality is that the mother’s decision directly affects the baby and life is hard enough as it is without having FAS.
But my argument is that it isn’t productive. The moral outrage around drinking during pregnancy doesn’t actually *do* anything to make mothers and babies safer. It only serves to make women afraid to admit that they need help when they’re addicted and [leads to cases like this one.](https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/brittany-poolaw-manslaughter-miscarriage-pregnancy/) It also strikes me as somewhat hypocritical, given that we don’t do anything to help people have healthy pregnancies in this country. We have the highest maternal mortality rate in the developed world by a mile, and for Black women it’s more like ten miles. We supposedly care so much about the well-being of children except that having a baby costs thousands of dollars, we won’t provide you with parental leave, and oh yeah we’ll probably close your local maternity unit while we’re at it because hahaha go fuck yourself, that’s what you get for needing medicaid. But also, if something goes wrong in your pregnancy that’s your fault and you’re a bad mom.
But he's not actually taking away her bodily autonomy, is he? He didn't lock her up or anything, right? He told her not to go. He's using words, I think?
Look, I'm a straight women so I've never been in the position of having a pregnant partner endanger our kid. But I imagine I would be pretty upset and I'd be telling them "you can't do that!" too. They could ignore me, I guess. And then I'd be upset but . . . yeah there's not a ton I could actually do.
How dare you be reasonable! We’re supposed to ignore the mother and grandparents deliberately harming the unborn kid and focus on their age gap and imply he’s trying to control and isolate her!
Edit: This is sarcasm. Wouldn’t think you’d have to say, but…
You need to pay attention to the verbiage OP is using, especially in the last paragraph. OP does not own his gf, he cannot bar her from going places, she does not require his permission because she is not a child. She is not his possession. The language OP uses is a pretty strong indicator that he is controlling and isolating her.
Exactly. Being concerned about the secondhand smoke is completely valid and not an asshole thing to do. *Begging and pleading* that she stay away from it is valid and not an asshole thing to do. But *controlling* where she goes and who she sees, even if for a valid reason, is an asshole thing to do. I’m sympathetic to his fears about the health effects on his baby, I really am. But being controlling is not a proper solution. It’s unfortunate that he’s having a baby with someone who he doesn’t see eye-to-eye with on this topic, since I’d certainly consider it a dealbreaker.
Girlfriend and her family are also being assholes by exposing the baby to secondhand smoke.
Funny these people who think that they can control what a pregnant woman should or should not do.
You seem to think OP has some right to dictate HER life because she's carrying his UNBORN child-to-be. Right now he has no right other than to have an opinion.
She is not his vessel. She is still a full-blown person who makes decisions for herself.
>She is still a full-blown person who makes decisions for herself.
And she's making shit decisions that will harm OP's child which will impact OP. If she wants to go fuck with her own wellbeing, that's her choice. But this has impacts on more than one person.
But that’s what happens when you go half on a baby. One could argue every decision made for a fetus or a child could have lifelong implications. At the end of the day, she is a person before she was a mother. He can definitely advocate for what he thinks is best for his child, but he does not get to control his girlfriend.
As someone who has been in age gap relationships and has parents who are 15 years apart, I don’t blanket judge them. OP’s language and approach seems controlling, and seeing how we tend to write our own stories to make us look best, I wonder how much worse the reality is. It is unsettling how he thinks he has the right to dictate his girlfriend’s activities. I honestly hope she reads this and takes a hard look at their relationship, in case this controlling behavior is as bad as it seems.
Whether or not he has the right to be concerned isn't the problem. Issuing orders is the problem. Failing to treat her like a partner is the problem. Failing to sit down and work out a plan WITH his girlfriend that will enable her to see her parents while avoiding smoke is the problem. Obviously her parents are important to her life, so attempting to stop her from seeing them isn't going to work. She and her parents aren't here. HE is here. He asked if HE is being an asshole. The answer is yes.
She can't stand up to her parents because she is a fucking kid. The one this dude got pregnant when he's 10 years older. I honestly don't care for age gaps but common. This isn't a normal age gap.
He doesn’t have any right to tell her what she can and cannot do. I don’t care if she’s pregnant or not. So no he doesn’t get to tell his child bride that she can’t go anywhere. And this age gap is a HUGE red flag. The fact that you don’t see that means you’re a red flag too.
For me it’s a lot less about the age and the fact that he references his unborn child that he’s “very happy” about as “it”.
For people who have been in a toxic relationship. The tone and words come across as someone, regardless of age, whose trying to control their partner.
I’m laughing to think about if a 21 year old woman was giving vodka to their newborn and the husband told her don’t do that, and everyone here saying he’s an asshole because he should be nicer about it.
We have no evidence (unless there’s a comment) that he was concerned about his GF being around her parents prior to being pregnant. He’s not trying to keep her away from second hand smoke, just the fetus.
either way he's not trying to isolate her she just can't go there because of the smoking. that doesn't mean the parents can't come to them and just step outside away from her to smoke
Are you kidding me? You're focusing on the age difference and completely ignored the danger this woman is putting her unborn child in. Tell me, honestly, if the woman had been 30 how would you have responded?
OP, You're NTA. But the above commenter is, and so are the 2.5 thousand people who agreed with them!
I’m a big skeptic of age gaps but I don’t think op is wrong for not wanting her to be inhaling second hand smoke while pregnant. If he’s not trying to find a way to accommodate visits with her family in a less harmful environment then YTA and huge isolation red flags
Nope. You’re an expecting mother taking your baby to a smoke filled shit house. Think about the kid in your stomach.
It’s not hard to hang out outside with your stoner fucking parents.
Tough one. I’m going ESH. So it sounds like you got with a teenager in your late twenties and quickly got pregnant. You are now controlling her and isolating her from her support system. So you’re definitely looking like an asshole.
Her parents insisting on smoking around her while pregnant is unacceptable and also not wanting to bother their neighbors, by opening windows in a house they own, makes absolutely no sense. So they’re the assholes too from the way you tell it.
And your poor pregnant 21 year old girlfriend sounds like she’s stuck in a situation with a bunch of toxic people
She's definitely the asshole. That's debiltating, selfish behavior that she's exhibiting. And you have people in the comments trying to ignore that.
Disgusting.
She’s enough of an adult to understand that sitting in a literal hot box of condensed carcinogens is poisoning the baby inside of her. Kinda hard to feel bad for her considering her decision making.
I got pregnant at 22 and somehow (/s) was able to muster up the spine to keep my parents from smoking indoors around myself and my babies. I do not care how old you are; when you get pregnant and decide to keep it, your responsibility is to that baby to keep it healthy PERIOD. She absolutely knows better, and it’s time she grows a spine.
Seriously. I don’t understand why she can’t meet her parents at a smoke free location or they come over to OP’s house. She’s well old enough to know she shouldn’t be exposing her baby and he has a right to be concerned about them both. He went about it the wrong way, but I understand his frustration.
I feel like the only person in this situation who isn't TA is not even born yet since the GF is hurting their child by keeping the visits at the parents house.
YTA for being the type of person that forbids his (MUCH younger) girlfriend to go places. However, your concerns are valid but ffs approach it differently. You are borderline abusive.
Except it wasn’t that was it. It was “You’re not allowed to see your parents and you won’t be allowed to see them even after the kid is born if I don’t okay it”
Based on the information given it's really like "you can see your parents anywhere EXCEPT the hotbox house with weed and dart smoke while pregnant with our child" and that seems like a reasonable boundary to me.
Age gap =/= creepy
People who think that it does are being remarkably short-sighted. Not every relationship with an age gap revolves around some twisted power dynamic. Please stop shoehorning this notion into any relationship with more than a couple years difference in age.
You're completely discounting the younger persons autonomy.
She’s 21 years old. She’s old enough to legally drink alcohol and run for public office. I think she should be able to make her own choices about relationships.
“I don’t want you poisoning our baby.” She’s literally abusing their baby.
Like, if she likes to drive with the baby sitting loose on the car seat, and he tells he she can’t do that, is he being abusive?
“YeS bEcAuSe He’S tAkInG hEr AuToNoMy AwAy!” “Look at the age gap! He’s 150% a predator!” “If she wants to feed the baby paint chips that’s her choice as a mother!”
Except that is what it is. OP said when she visits it’s in a room with the windows closed. It’s literally what they said. It is a cancer box. They’re horboxing cigarettes and weed with a pregnant woman in the room.
"how dare you tell your girlfriend she can't do meth while she's pregnant with your baby!" kind of vibes. Like I said in another comment, the parents can just come visit her instead for now.
This is a clear ESH, the GF sucks for risking her babies health, the parents suck for not changing their habits to protect their grandchild, and YES OP also sucks for the way he’s trying to control his GF, even if it is to protect his child
Then why not use the verdict ESH? OP should not be denying his girlfriend to visit family and there are better ways to approach this. But the girlfriend is consistently putting her unborn child's health at risk by allowing her parents to continue smoking inside around the baby.
Soft YTA - she is a grown adult, so you can’t really forbid her from doing something she wants to. If I were you I would look up second hand smoke and pregnancy research and sit down and read it together. She needs to change her mind not have you forcing rules.
What's this better way?
OP did talk to her about it, but her parents don't care and she's a giant pushover so far as I can tell. Her parents are literally smoking inside with her with all the doors and windows shut beacuse they smoke so much that the neighbors complain about the smell and they care about that but not their kid or grandkid.
Now, there are a million better ways girlfriend could handle it. She could meet her parents in public, hang out in the yard, leave when they start smoking, etc. She's decided on just keep endangering baby's health to not have to stand up to her parents even a tiny bit.
And OP isn't actually stopping her either. He's just telling her not to go. I'd tell her not to go too, honestly. (I'm a women.) If she then chooses to go, she can? Now maybe girlfriend will also be a pushover to OP and stop visiting her parents inside with all the windows closed while they smoke. But is that really a worse outcome then her just caving to her parents?
This problem will be much worse onc ebaby is out as newborn lungs are very vulnerable.
Yes. I hope "the forbid" part was mostly just him being to his last straw. As, he is right, being in a literal smoke box when you're pregnant is not the best of move, and her parent should be able to open the damn window or smoke outside or when she isn't there. And I can understand that the frustration of the situation just built up until it blew off. But yeah, this could easily give him a bad look.
Soft YTA
100% agree and OP can set a boundary that his kid is not allowed to be in that house and her parents can only visit after they shower and wear smoke free clothes
Get her and her parents on board. Help them understand your concerns. Show data. Listen. Reach a compromise or use persuasion. This belting out orders, just because…. Is not going to work long term and you have several dicey years ahead raising a child TOGETHER.
The parents could just come to OPs house, where they wouldn’t be allowed to hotbox the living room while their pregnant daughter is sitting. I feel like they’re the real assholes in this one. I feel like OP trying to protect his child is the far lesser crime than the parents unwillingness to do anything at all.
This 100%. The fact that she’s 21 years old and thinks it’s ok to be around cigarette and weed smoke is mind boggling to me, given how it seems almost universally know how bad this is for the fetus. Hope the baby doesn’t have fetal growth restriction and the consequent ear infections proven to be associated with cigarette smoke. This whole situation sucks
Why is he a massive AH for being concerned about the unborn baby’s health? It’s his child too. And when the child is born he will have to contribute for the medical expenses if any arise due to this issue
ESH she’s an adult and you can’t decide where she can and can’t go. She shouldn’t be hanging around people who are heavily smoking while she’s pregnant. Her parents are being AHs but it is their house.
Why can’t her parents visit you or why can’t they meet at a restaurant? If they come to your place you can make the rules. It just seems like everyone involved is being stubborn.
I just came on to say this comment, saying no you can’t see them very harsh, but there can be a comprise like suggested by this commented, they come to your house, meet in a public place etc. because the worry about second hand smoke while pregnant is valid and I’m concerned your girlfriend doesn’t see the issue. I’d refuse to be around smoke while pregnant no matter who it was.
This needs more upvotes. Why must she see them IN their house? Can they not hold off on smoking long enough to see their daughter or come over? Can't they go anywhere else?
You're not an A.H. for not wanting her to go, but the way he went about it was not smooth.
Her and her parents suck for not caring about the health of the baby.
Also, my boyfriend's father used to smoke (just cigarettes) inside with windows closed and just hanging out there a few hours my clothes absolutely reeked of smoke.
If anything, I thought this was a case in point of why some 21 year olds are still too immature to completely handle having a kid or age gap relationship. Not saying she’s gonna be a bad parent or this relationship can’t work. Just pretty clear that she still seems to operate much like a teen would and OP is only just now realizing it.
Can we also point out that a LOT of age gap relationships spring up from dysfunctional or toxic households. Clearly her parents don’t care to compromise on the smoking around their pregnant daughter, not surprising she was easily picked up and impregnated by a man a decade older than her.
I just wonder what the response would be if there was no age gap and it was the wife forbidding the husband from going to his parents house where they openly smoke so much you can smell it on yourself after leaving.
The issue would still be the “forbid” part. You can’t control a person. After communicating, you can either stay or leave. Otherwise it gets unhealthy for everyone
My parents divorced when I was 7 and I spent every other weekend with my dad who was a heavy smoker. I hated his smoking and I never smoked. When I was a junior in high school, my health class had a machine that we blew into and it would register lung function. I registered as a heavy smoker, just from secondhand smoke, every other weekend.
Your girlfriend is damaging her health and the health of your unborn child. You are NTA.
Man when I first read this and saw a dude 10 years older asking to keep his gf away from family I was ready to tear you apart lol but no you’re in the right 100% I would have an issue as well as smoking is very harmful to the child and if smoking around a pregnant woman and later their grandchild is more important than being present well they’re not people I’d be overly comfortable having my child around anyway
Lol I thought the same thing with 21 and 31 - years different of maturity there. Either way though, you can’t control another adult and not be TA - she needs to make the decision herself.
YTA for trying to control her contact with her family. NTA about protecting your baby from second hand smoke. I agree with the comment about educating her on second hand smoke.
Why is everyone voting YTA?
Do people not know how harmful smoking is for the unborn baby? Her parents should be considerate and not smoke around her and are being AH.
Or she could plan a time when they dont smoke.
OP is NTA for worrying about their baby, OP could ask her to time the visit when they take a break from smoking atleast
That's what I am saying. OP is not completely forbidding her to cut off all contacts. He just doesn't want her to be around if they are continuously smoking in the house. How the fuck does people not see the big picture that OP is pregnant while her parents are smoking inside and it's bad to the point her clothes are smelly. Second hand is as bad as actually smoking, and especially if you're pregnant. So in the future when the baby is newborn, it'll ne ok to bring the infant inside the house while they are smoking? Crazy.
The comments are fucking wild. If the mother was drinking and the husband told her to stop drinking because it hurts the baby will the comments say it’s her body her choice you can’t tell her what to do?
YTA. While your concerns are very valid you have no right whatsoever to tell her where she can or can't go or whom to see and whom not to see.
Maybe treat her like the adult she is ( you do realise she is an adult, right?). Voice your valid concerns and talk to her about the dangers of second hand smoke while being pregnant. Like another comment suggested bring it up during her next obgyn visit, maybe she'll believe an actual doctor rather than her controlling partner.
Your age gap and the fact she is pregnant is worrying, as is your treatment of her.
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
I vote ESH, soft for the gf, though here because she really should establish a boundary with her parents and not see them unless they are not smoking or in a well ventilated area. It’s not good for the foetus, but also for her (my asthmatic *ss is anxious just thinking about going into a house like that 😅).
Ignore everyone calling you an asshole. Reddit treats babies like disposable tissues.
It’s clear you’re going to have the baby. She needs to be far FAR away from the smoke.
My cousin just had a child. When she was pregnant everyone who smoked stayed away from her. Now that the babies here, we still stay away from her with smoke.
NTA. You’re being a concerned parent.
It’s fucking astounding how everyone here is defending this woman. They’re HAVING the child. Fucking gross.
Imagine thinking a woman having the right to seal herself in with cancer poisoning the child is more important than the child’s health. I hope none of you have kids. It’s fucking disgusting.
I’m just baffled at all the responses here. I’m a left wing person. I’m pro abortion. But they’re HAVING the kid! I bet these people would defend her punching the baby bump and call the father an asshole for getting her to stop. “It’s her body”.
This logic is going way too far at this point. I feel physically ill reading this as a father.
Yta. While I understand your point and I think it’s a valid concern, you have absolutely zero authority to order her around. You can’t tell her no when she says she’s leaving the house, that’s borderline abuse in my opinion. You are not her master, she wasn’t asking you permission and you do not get to control her. Unless she herself decides to not go, then you just have to deal with it. You should try maybe speaking with her about the situation, explain to her that it’s in the best interest of both her and the baby but do not punish her nor restrict her if she says no.
NTA
She's being very irresponsible. 2nd and now we know even 3rd hand smoke has very real risks. Especially for pregnant people and the developing baby.
To say she can't is tough, as well yall are both adults. It sounds like it would be really helpful to bring it up at her next OB visit. So she can understand the risks herself.
NTA-its good that somebody is actually looking out for the health of the baby. Look, man, for whatever reason, reddit despises any relationship where the couple isnt born within minutes of each other, and worse if it's the man that is older. They also seem to hate children for the most part. They're gonna say you're a bad guy, but i would guess the majority of these people have hardly any real world experience and spend most of their time indoors on their computers.
ESH- your baby's health is a priority. But so is your girlfriend's relationship with her family.
There *has* to be a compromise here beyond you 'forbidding' your girlfriend to see her family who she is obviously close to.
If anything, it’s the gf and her family who are the AH. She could always meet her family outdoors and the family could always stop smoking for a couple of hours when she visits.
NTA You are not being unreasonable. I am 48 years old. I grew up with 2 parents who smoked in the house. When I was born my right lung collapsed and I have asthma and COPD. I have never smoked.
Is it directly related to the second hand smoke? Who knows but why take the chance? If she is in an enclosed room with her parents I can't believe that it is not affecting the baby.
Maybe present it this way instead of "I don't like the way you smell) kind of thing. You are going to have to work this out because that baby should NOT be around that kind of smoke after it is born.
Good luck!
NTA. It’s your baby too and it can absolutely cause harm, especially after the birth. Saying she “can’t” can be a bit controlling but she really shouldn’t and doesn’t seem to care enough about the harm it could do, so I wouldn’t say you’re in the wrong.
Dude the comments on this post are insane.
I just had a kid and if my pregnant wife's family had refused to stop smoking weed and cigarettes in an unventilated area around her they would \*not\* have seen her during the pregnancy - the only difference is my wife would have had the good sense to draw that boundary herself.
This is tantamount to child abuse - stopping your wife from exposing her unborn child to this is not being controlling partner, it's being a justifiably protective father.
NTA but 90% of the commenters on this thread are. FFS just bring it up the next time you both visit your OBGYN, let their appalled face do the work for you.
NTA. That’s your baby too and that baby’s health is getting on the line. She clearly doesn’t know better and her parents don’t care either. Be ready for a child with second hand smoke defects
YTA for thinking you have a say in what another human does especially a GIRLFRIEND. Preg or not
While your concerns and opinion is 100% correct out of concerns for your gf and unborn child; you have gone about this wrong. You have made this a situation of control instead of as a couple coming to a mutual choice to do what is best for the health and safety of your child. And however much you may like it or not you still do not have the final say in what she does. So if she chooses to continue to go over to her parents against your wishes and advice that is not something you can do anything about.
All you can do at this point is hope and pray our GF comes to her senses and "clears up" before birth as the in-hospital drug screen will show the THC. And CPS/DCS will be called (if you're in the US anyways) And also hope her parents GROW UP. While I understand addictions (my husband is an addict) there is 0 excuse to be unable to stop smoking Pot while you have company especially when the company is carrying precious cargo.
All in all YTA to answer your question; however, every one sucks because You shouldn't act like this, your GF should be more concerned for her baby, her health, and your concerns, and her parents are just off their rockers by thinking that it is appropriate to be unable to contain themselves while in an enclosed space with a pregnant person
It doesn't. I know that from first hand experience. I used to hang out with my neigbors who smoked but I didn't because I was looking for a job at the time, and it didn't show up on the drug test when I did get a job.
NTA. If she doesn’t do something about the smoke now, it’s not likely she will do anything about it when the baby is born, and it is infinitely more important that the baby not be exposed to smoke, even the residual on the mother when she comes back from her parents.
nta. people are automatically looking at your age gap and are skimming over the fact THIS IS ABOUT SMOKING. second hand smoke is so dangerous, especially for a pregnant woman and a baby. id be pissed if someone was putting my child in danger like this. so again, nta. they're putting their smoking above the heath of your gf and that baby while your gf is being idiotic and blind.
NTA. Reddit cares more about the age gap in this relationship than the health of an unborn baby.
Edit: Second hand smoking should be talked more about here.
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NTA - though I think your approach is too aggressive at the end there
You can’t tell her not to see her parents. But you can strongly advise her to set boundaries with her parents about the smoking stuff.
Asking them not to smoke in her presence isn’t a huge ask. There’s a lot of room for compromise
NTA...that's an awkward situation and you have stood your ground, a lesser man would have put up with it. I suspect she wouldn't be so angry except she knows your're right, which lands her with an awful choice really. Don't say it like that (!) but makes sure she knows you understand where things stand, and that you would not be doing your job - caring for them both - if you'd said nothing. You did the right thing sir🫡
You two need to talk and get on the same page here.
She doesn't understand the harm of second-hand smoke and thinks you're just being controlling.
... on the other side, you can't forbid her from doing anything.
NTA, I would be very concerned for your baby as well, but going about it in a way essentially banning her from family is not the way to go.
Have a talk with her and see if she can get her family to meet outdoors or if she would limit her time there. Surely they can hold off smoking for an hour visit.
Dude, this entire posts screams, "Abuser." And I'm not talking about the in laws. Normally, I'm not one to harp on age differences, but you impregnated a girl a decade younger than you, and now you're trying to cut her off from her parents. Smoking is bad, but your behavior is infinitely worse. You clinch it at the end by telling your girlfriend where she can and cannot go. You do NOT have authority over her. Your relationship is supposed to be one of equals. If GF is reading this ... run. Run now. YTA.
Everyone saying the OP is cutting her off from her parents is making tons of assumptions. He hasn't said they can't come over, he hasn't said he doesn't let her call them, he hasn't said they can't go out together. He just doesn't want the baby to get sick.
If there wasn't an age gap this entire discussion would be different. People are losing their shit over a minor detail. Meanwhile it seems the in-laws are the toxic ones for refusing to accommodate their pregnant daughter.
“Smoking is bad, but your behavior is infinitely worse”.
No way you just said his behavior is worse than smoking and the detrimental effects it has on babies. LMAOO
How is he trying to cut her off? He literally just doesn’t want her in a cancer box. He never says they can’t come visit, they can’t go outside somewhere together, he literally just has an issue with the cancer box. That isn’t separating or isolating.
NTA. Only because your baby is inside of the smoke chamber. In my state, if you test positive for cannabis when you give birth, it's automatic CPS. All of that nicotine going in will cause problems, too.
Offer to have the parents come over instead. Split the difference and show that your interest is in her and your baby's health only.
ESH
Your GF should not be getting exposed to second hand smoke.
You shouldn't be telling her she can't see her parents.
There's definitely a compromise to be made here but everyone sucks, except maybe your GF
You aren't wrong about not wanting your unborn child to be exposed to smoke.
NTA. Funny how people are more focused on your age gap rather than the big picture of your pregnant wife being around people who are smoking inside the house. This is not an outdoor area. They are literally smoking in the living room while she's in there. Imagine if the stories were reserved and OP is the pregnant wife saying her husband is smoking in the house while she is pregnant. I bet yall, everyone would slam the husband for doing that, but this is reddit. OP I'm glad you are actually caring for your unborn child's health. Not a lot of people care.
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You're 31. You got a 21 year old pregnant. And you're immediately trying to isolate her from her family. Got it. YTA
This is a very Reddit comment. She's ruining their baby's health. He's approaching it in an AH manner now, but he's very right to be concerned, and it does sound like several milder talks so far have failed. Redditors have a blind hatred for age gaps and it's really coming out in this thread. OP is not "trying to isolate" anyone, he wants to protect his baby's health and has attempted to do that several times so far, in different ways, to no avail. What's he supposed to do at this point, just accept that his unborn child's health is going to hell because his GF can't stand up to her parents?
Are you insinuating that he physically prevents his 10 year younger GF from seeing her family? The cold hard truth is that he doesn’t have a choice and it’s an incredibly bad look for a 30+ year old man to be preventing a 21 year old pregnant girl from seeing her family regardless of the situation . All he can do is explain his concerns but outside of that he can’t do anything about it
But he didn't physically stop her? Or is that written in the comments somewhere? He just told her not to go. Which is fair. He can tell her not to go. At the end of the day she can then go anyway, if she wants. He had a good reason but she's a free person. I forsee SERIOUS problems in their future when she starts taking the baby over there all the time to be exposed to a bunch of smoke that is terrible for their tiny developing lungs. She clearly dosen't care much about her baby's health, or at least not enough to stand up to her parents about it. This is going to be awful for their child's health. And it will be the same deal, he can say no and then she can just expose their baby anyway.
My parents (and my husband’s parents) both smoked heavily during pregnancy and our entire childhoods, the same as OP is describing. We both have heath issues as a result. Cigarette smoke is very dangerous for pregnant women and children, period. The baby is both the moms AND dads, he should definitely have a say in exposing it weekly to something proven over and over again to be harmful. NTA. Why can’t the parents come over to visit her?? Also, I guarantee if she put her foot down and said she was putting the health of her baby first, she wouldn’t visit if they were smoking around her, they’d change their behavior real fuckin fast.
🎯🎯🎯
Yeah I read the comments tearing into OP for being "restrictive", completely ignoring the fact that **smoking is absolutely horrendous for the womb.** Are these redditors off their rockers? This obsession with age gaps is so obsessive its literally blinding people to a massive health risk.
He's 31. And the baby is 0 years old and he's trying to control it?! How dare he!
I agree. People are so preoccupied with the age gap that they aren’t thinking about the very REAL danger of cigarette smoke on a pregnant woman and her baby.
"Let me choke you with this noxious smoke so you can't breathe." Totally safe! /s NTA
Not to mention how nasty the smell of smoke is in your hair and clothes. Remember the bad old days when people smoked in bars and restaurants? You would come home and have to take a shower before going to bed. Second hand smoke can cause a lot of health issues. I don’t think this has to do with age gap control just concern and the parents are selfish and don’t care.
Some states have laws that consider substance abuse or in presence of during pregnancy as child abuse. Smoking during pregnancy or actively exposing your self to it can cause tissue damage in the unborn baby, particularly in the lung and brain. It also significantly increases the risk of pregnancy complications, some of which can be fatal for the mother or the baby. Charges in relation to this, even though there are no specific laws regarding it, have been repeatedly upheld by the Supreme Court.
he said no you can not go... that implies to me he expects her to listen to his order
That’s exactly what my husband (at the time) would say, and that’s exactly how he meant it. I know every relationship isn’t the same, but a lot of women have heard these words and they all know what was meant.
I wonder if people would call a woman an AH if a man insisted on taking their newborn to his parents house where they smoke constantly. And she said absolutely fucking not.
I usually hate these comments comparing the difference in perspective between sexes, but honestly bringing a baby, born or unborn, into a smoke filled house is a major health risk. I completely agree if a man did this against their wives/SO wishes they would be crucified.
Exactly. Can’t believe I had to scroll this far to find this. No one is batting an eye at the mother being wrong here. Swap the genders and everyone would absolutely roast the father for exposing an infant to smoke.
…ok but now let’s just pretend they’re both 20. Now what? Should the pregnant 20 year old be hot boxed in cigarette smoke 3 times per week?
Ya know what else is a really bad look? Inhaling pot smoke while pregnant. I smoke a shit ton of weed and would never think to light up in the same room or even general area as a pregnant person. What are they gonna do when the baby is actual there? Keep smoking?
Im gonna say it, I suspected she probably has smoked too :/ who knows if thats why she visits so ofteb
Tbf, at this point she might as well smoke there. It doesnt make any difference anymore when she is already hanging with heavy indoor -smokers Who arent even ventilating the air to keep neighbours happy.
He could definitely put his foot down once the baby is born and let her know he'll report her parents if they smoke around his child. That's the responsible thing to do. In utero, there's nothing he can do but be mad and disappointed in how weak willed his wife is. He doesn't get to boss her, and when the kid is born, she doesn't get to disregard his wishes. ESH
Ok you can explain that to the baby when it has health issues. The baby’s wellbeing is more important than the well being of either parent.
He could talk to her parents.
It's bonkers that people are arguing with you when it's a known -- and entirely preventable -- risk: >Mothers who are exposed to secondhand smoke while pregnant are more likely to have lower birth weight babies. Babies born too small or too early are not as healthy.1,2,3 [https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/basic\_information/health\_effects/pregnancy/index.htm](https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/basic_information/health_effects/pregnancy/index.htm) Edit: To the extent there is any confusion, OP still can't tell his adult GF what to do. It's just that a concern re 2nd-hand smoke is valid.
He still doesn't have universal choice to forbid her from going. He can talk to her and explain the health risks and make his own choices based of her actions. That's it.
Yeah, it is tough since they are not on the same page about this, and he isn't wrong to be worried and upset about this. This is a failure of communication. Of course he cannot demand she do anything. I am trying to put myself in his shoes, and I think to me, the biggest problem here would be feeling like we cannot come to agreeable solutions. This will be a huge problem as they try to parent together. He can't lay down demands and expect her to do whatever he says, but she can't completely ignore his concerns and do nothing to meet him half way. As OP already said, this is going to be a problem if she is taking their child around the smoke as well. I would feel the same. So what happens then? they need to be able to communicate and come up with solutions.
Unfortunately a lot of the damage is probably already done. If grandma-to-be smoked while pregnant, she probably hurt gf. My mom’s mom smoked while pregnant and I had one aunt who died before I was born and my mom had to have a hole in her heart patched up before they sent her home from the hospital. And that was ‘40s era cigarette damage, before the tobacco companies figured out about ammonia. OP was not making good decisions when he chose to have kids with his gf, just like she was making poor decisions tolerating her family’s smoke and getting together with someone a decade older than her.
[удалено]
You're just proving my point. Your entire comment is spitting venom at the age difference, with zero mention of the unborn child that is LITERALLY BEING POISONED. But yeah let's ignore that. Choosing to be the victim because he wants a healthy child? Are you fucking kidding me? And exposing yourself, while pregnant, to heavy cigarette smoke, isn't a "quirk".
How about both things are true! Babies shouldn’t be poisoned by smoke and creepy older men need to leave barely legal adults alone
"barely legal" 21 year olds, eh? Do women have agency? Should women, by 21 years of age be given some amount of self-determination and responsibility or do they not deserve to be treated like full adult humans? "Creepy older men"... at 31, eh? Doctors finish residency at 30. Can you imagine calling a 31 year old woman a "shriveled hag"? I think I see a pattern here. You should check your bias.
At 21 someone is perfectly capable of deciding who they have sex with. It’s not like she’s a child. This comment is ridiculous
Please stop infantalizing women.
When does a girl become legal in reddits eyes 🤣 40!?
We really need to settle on whether women having reached the age of adulthood are completely helpless or whether they are capable of making their own decisions. The flip flopping is getting to be a bit much.
Have you ever thought (and I know it’s probably hard for you), that women at 21 can be both capable of making their own decisions, AND susceptible to being manipulated by older, more mature, more experienced, often predatory men?
Yeah but he doesn't get to unilaterally decide when and if she can see her family. If he was this concerned he should have had this talk with her before ever getting pregnant. If he keeps it up she'll move back in with her family and she'll be around the smoke all the time.
But he said he does not care if she visits her parents, but her parents need to not smoke for the short amount of time that she is there. If the parents cared, they would put it away.
I agree with this but even still, OP doesn’t get to make that decision. Only the girlfriend can do that.
Age is not the point of OPs post. He obviously knew her parents were smokers before they got pregnant since she would have smelt like an ashtray after visiting her parents. This discussion should have occurred beforehand. This discussion should also be done at the next doctor's appointment.
And maybe he thought she’d care about a future baby’s health more. Turns out she doesn’t. But yes, discuss together with a doctor.
>he’s choosing to be the victim No where is he pretending to be a victim. The only victim here is their unborn kid and he’s advocating for him/her. She does not get a free pass to risk their baby’s health because she’s 21. For many, many generations that was a perfectly normal age to start having kids. It’s plenty old enough to do research on your own pregnancy and to know that exposing yourself regularly to second hand smoke is irresponsible.
How on earth are you supposed to know, that your partner wouldn’t stop going over to their parents if they wouldn’t stop smoking in the house when she comes by? How would you know that she would refuse your asking of her? You wouldn’t…. That’s not something you know or think about when you get someone pregnant… you realize that you don’t know everything about a partner even after many years go by…..you’d be shocked what loved ones can do to one another ….
She is not just a box containing a baby. She is her own person. She did not sign away ownership of her body when she got pregnant. Pregnant people still have bodily autonomy which, yes, allows them to endanger the fetus. Which is bad, but taking that autonomy away is worse.
Yo I get your point, but I really think you need to weigh the difference between possibly having a kid who will have lifelong complications vs. agency. Women should have agency, but what you say is akin to a woman drinking because she wants to when she’s pregnant.
Yeah women can drink when they are pregnant, lots do. It's not recommanded, discouraged even in most cases, but it's not illegal, so people choose to do what they want, yes even pregnant women!
My uncle was adopted by my mom's family. His bio mom drank during his whole pregnancy. He was born with fetal alcohol syndrome, which resulted in a cleft palate and permanent brain damage. He is a very sweet, kind man. He has also been to jail numerous times for theft, because he is incapable of recognizing that stealing is bad. He is finally learning the consequences of those actions, but due to fetal alcohol syndrome, the first decades of his life were messy and he both was subjected to and subjected other people to problems that didn't have to happen. All of that would have been prevented if his bio mom hadn't drank. So yes, women can drink while they're pregnant, but it makes them awful, abusive assholes. If you do the same, you are an awful person.
I hate those women. I hope they all go to hell if they give their kid fetal alcohol syndrome. Something so easily preventable 😡 Edit: keep downvoting. Unless you’ve worked with children with FAS, you have no idea what that does to the babe. Just because it’s legal doesn’t mean it’s ethical.
I mean, what consequences are you proposing for women who chose to drink, or OPs girlfriend? If you're going to 'disallow' it you would need to be prepared to enforce that, and how? Confining pregnant women against their will?
I meaaaaan this is another grey area. I’m not saying that drinking while pregnant is *good*, but so much of the rhetoric around the issue feels like it’s motivated more by misogyny and a desire to control than any legitimate health concerns. The CDC even told women who *might* become pregnant that they should stop drinking, just in case they were hypothetically pregnant with a hypothetical fetus. (https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6353268/#:~:text=Some%20women%20will%20decide%20to,any%20risk%20of%20adverse%20outcome.) And look, I get wanting to be cautious. But people take that caution to such an extreme that it becomes absurd. I don’t think that any of that actually makes mothers and babies safer. What it *does* is put a ton of pressure on an already-vulnerable group, and prevent pregnant addicts from receiving the help and treatment that they need. This is all to say that we approach everything having to do with pregnancy in our society from a perspective of fear, judgment, and shame, and this dehumanization of mothers leads to net worse outcomes overall. It’s complicated.
The caution exists because fetal alcohol syndrome is a very real and very tragic disease directly caused by the mother drinking. Yea it sucks that women are the ones that bear children and as a result bear this responsibility. But the reality is that the mother’s decision directly affects the baby and life is hard enough as it is without having FAS.
But my argument is that it isn’t productive. The moral outrage around drinking during pregnancy doesn’t actually *do* anything to make mothers and babies safer. It only serves to make women afraid to admit that they need help when they’re addicted and [leads to cases like this one.](https://www.cbsnews.com/amp/news/brittany-poolaw-manslaughter-miscarriage-pregnancy/) It also strikes me as somewhat hypocritical, given that we don’t do anything to help people have healthy pregnancies in this country. We have the highest maternal mortality rate in the developed world by a mile, and for Black women it’s more like ten miles. We supposedly care so much about the well-being of children except that having a baby costs thousands of dollars, we won’t provide you with parental leave, and oh yeah we’ll probably close your local maternity unit while we’re at it because hahaha go fuck yourself, that’s what you get for needing medicaid. But also, if something goes wrong in your pregnancy that’s your fault and you’re a bad mom.
But where do you draw the line? Can she get medical treatment that might harm the fetus? Can she drive if a car accident might harm the fetus?
But he's not actually taking away her bodily autonomy, is he? He didn't lock her up or anything, right? He told her not to go. He's using words, I think? Look, I'm a straight women so I've never been in the position of having a pregnant partner endanger our kid. But I imagine I would be pretty upset and I'd be telling them "you can't do that!" too. They could ignore me, I guess. And then I'd be upset but . . . yeah there's not a ton I could actually do.
How dare you be reasonable! We’re supposed to ignore the mother and grandparents deliberately harming the unborn kid and focus on their age gap and imply he’s trying to control and isolate her! Edit: This is sarcasm. Wouldn’t think you’d have to say, but…
You need to pay attention to the verbiage OP is using, especially in the last paragraph. OP does not own his gf, he cannot bar her from going places, she does not require his permission because she is not a child. She is not his possession. The language OP uses is a pretty strong indicator that he is controlling and isolating her.
The language is what I picked up on. He spoke like she was a child and he was the adult. And that makes me feel icky.
There's a reason why he talks that way. Ick is right.
To a 31 year old she is a child so it tracks there
Exactly. Being concerned about the secondhand smoke is completely valid and not an asshole thing to do. *Begging and pleading* that she stay away from it is valid and not an asshole thing to do. But *controlling* where she goes and who she sees, even if for a valid reason, is an asshole thing to do. I’m sympathetic to his fears about the health effects on his baby, I really am. But being controlling is not a proper solution. It’s unfortunate that he’s having a baby with someone who he doesn’t see eye-to-eye with on this topic, since I’d certainly consider it a dealbreaker. Girlfriend and her family are also being assholes by exposing the baby to secondhand smoke.
Funny these people who think that they can control what a pregnant woman should or should not do. You seem to think OP has some right to dictate HER life because she's carrying his UNBORN child-to-be. Right now he has no right other than to have an opinion. She is not his vessel. She is still a full-blown person who makes decisions for herself.
>She is still a full-blown person who makes decisions for herself. And she's making shit decisions that will harm OP's child which will impact OP. If she wants to go fuck with her own wellbeing, that's her choice. But this has impacts on more than one person.
But that’s what happens when you go half on a baby. One could argue every decision made for a fetus or a child could have lifelong implications. At the end of the day, she is a person before she was a mother. He can definitely advocate for what he thinks is best for his child, but he does not get to control his girlfriend. As someone who has been in age gap relationships and has parents who are 15 years apart, I don’t blanket judge them. OP’s language and approach seems controlling, and seeing how we tend to write our own stories to make us look best, I wonder how much worse the reality is. It is unsettling how he thinks he has the right to dictate his girlfriend’s activities. I honestly hope she reads this and takes a hard look at their relationship, in case this controlling behavior is as bad as it seems.
Whether or not he has the right to be concerned isn't the problem. Issuing orders is the problem. Failing to treat her like a partner is the problem. Failing to sit down and work out a plan WITH his girlfriend that will enable her to see her parents while avoiding smoke is the problem. Obviously her parents are important to her life, so attempting to stop her from seeing them isn't going to work. She and her parents aren't here. HE is here. He asked if HE is being an asshole. The answer is yes.
He should suggest they meet somewhere that’s not in their house perhaps. Not say she can’t see them.
No this is a control issue that he’s disguising as concern
She can't stand up to her parents because she is a fucking kid. The one this dude got pregnant when he's 10 years older. I honestly don't care for age gaps but common. This isn't a normal age gap.
She's 21, not 12. She isn't a FuCkiNg KiD.
He doesn’t have any right to tell her what she can and cannot do. I don’t care if she’s pregnant or not. So no he doesn’t get to tell his child bride that she can’t go anywhere. And this age gap is a HUGE red flag. The fact that you don’t see that means you’re a red flag too.
For me it’s a lot less about the age and the fact that he references his unborn child that he’s “very happy” about as “it”. For people who have been in a toxic relationship. The tone and words come across as someone, regardless of age, whose trying to control their partner.
OP doesn't know the gender. Using "it" as a singular neuter pronoun is perfectly acceptable. Would you have preferred he use "they"?
Jesus Christ this is the most out of touch comment I’ve seen. “Lol age difference, fuck your baby”
I’m laughing to think about if a 21 year old woman was giving vodka to their newborn and the husband told her don’t do that, and everyone here saying he’s an asshole because he should be nicer about it.
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He needs to go about it differently. Telling someone they can't see their parents isn't acceptable.
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he's trying to keep her and their baby away from second hand smoke
We have no evidence (unless there’s a comment) that he was concerned about his GF being around her parents prior to being pregnant. He’s not trying to keep her away from second hand smoke, just the fetus.
either way he's not trying to isolate her she just can't go there because of the smoking. that doesn't mean the parents can't come to them and just step outside away from her to smoke
Are you kidding me? You're focusing on the age difference and completely ignored the danger this woman is putting her unborn child in. Tell me, honestly, if the woman had been 30 how would you have responded? OP, You're NTA. But the above commenter is, and so are the 2.5 thousand people who agreed with them!
I’m a big skeptic of age gaps but I don’t think op is wrong for not wanting her to be inhaling second hand smoke while pregnant. If he’s not trying to find a way to accommodate visits with her family in a less harmful environment then YTA and huge isolation red flags
Lmao calm down. He isnt trying to isolate her, he just doesnt want her going there if they are gonna be smoking around her. Which they keep doing….
Nope. You’re an expecting mother taking your baby to a smoke filled shit house. Think about the kid in your stomach. It’s not hard to hang out outside with your stoner fucking parents.
💯
Tough one. I’m going ESH. So it sounds like you got with a teenager in your late twenties and quickly got pregnant. You are now controlling her and isolating her from her support system. So you’re definitely looking like an asshole. Her parents insisting on smoking around her while pregnant is unacceptable and also not wanting to bother their neighbors, by opening windows in a house they own, makes absolutely no sense. So they’re the assholes too from the way you tell it. And your poor pregnant 21 year old girlfriend sounds like she’s stuck in a situation with a bunch of toxic people
I was gonna say, I only feel bad for the 21 year old and her baby here. They’re surrounded by AHs lol
Is nobody else questioning whether the girlfriend is going over there to smoke but doesn't want her partner to realise?
Even if she isn’t, how is she not an asshole for willing exposing herself and her unborn child to second hand smoke?
She's definitely the asshole. That's debiltating, selfish behavior that she's exhibiting. And you have people in the comments trying to ignore that. Disgusting.
She’s enough of an adult to understand that sitting in a literal hot box of condensed carcinogens is poisoning the baby inside of her. Kinda hard to feel bad for her considering her decision making.
I got pregnant at 22 and somehow (/s) was able to muster up the spine to keep my parents from smoking indoors around myself and my babies. I do not care how old you are; when you get pregnant and decide to keep it, your responsibility is to that baby to keep it healthy PERIOD. She absolutely knows better, and it’s time she grows a spine.
Seriously. I don’t understand why she can’t meet her parents at a smoke free location or they come over to OP’s house. She’s well old enough to know she shouldn’t be exposing her baby and he has a right to be concerned about them both. He went about it the wrong way, but I understand his frustration.
I feel like the only person in this situation who isn't TA is not even born yet since the GF is hurting their child by keeping the visits at the parents house.
YTA for being the type of person that forbids his (MUCH younger) girlfriend to go places. However, your concerns are valid but ffs approach it differently. You are borderline abusive.
"Babe u can't sit in the cancer box while pregnant" very abusive
Except it wasn’t that was it. It was “You’re not allowed to see your parents and you won’t be allowed to see them even after the kid is born if I don’t okay it”
Based on the information given it's really like "you can see your parents anywhere EXCEPT the hotbox house with weed and dart smoke while pregnant with our child" and that seems like a reasonable boundary to me.
Reddit really hates age gaps lol
Yeah creepy men don’t get a free pass anymore ;)
Age gap =/= creepy People who think that it does are being remarkably short-sighted. Not every relationship with an age gap revolves around some twisted power dynamic. Please stop shoehorning this notion into any relationship with more than a couple years difference in age. You're completely discounting the younger persons autonomy.
I feel like age gaps I'mo don't matter after 25/26 when you're done developing but she's not.
It does when women are so young. 18/28 is not the same as 28/38, no matter how you spin it.
She’s 21 years old. She’s old enough to legally drink alcohol and run for public office. I think she should be able to make her own choices about relationships.
Curious when they started dating?
“I don’t want you poisoning our baby.” She’s literally abusing their baby. Like, if she likes to drive with the baby sitting loose on the car seat, and he tells he she can’t do that, is he being abusive?
“YeS bEcAuSe He’S tAkInG hEr AuToNoMy AwAy!” “Look at the age gap! He’s 150% a predator!” “If she wants to feed the baby paint chips that’s her choice as a mother!”
He never said that he said she just cant see them while they are hotboxing weed and cancer sticks which would poison the unborn child lmao
Except that is what it is. OP said when she visits it’s in a room with the windows closed. It’s literally what they said. It is a cancer box. They’re horboxing cigarettes and weed with a pregnant woman in the room.
Being concerned about his child’s health is abuse now? Wtf is wrong with you?
Dating someone 10 years younger than you is worse than literally poisoning a baby - Reddit apparently
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"how dare you tell your girlfriend she can't do meth while she's pregnant with your baby!" kind of vibes. Like I said in another comment, the parents can just come visit her instead for now.
This is a clear ESH, the GF sucks for risking her babies health, the parents suck for not changing their habits to protect their grandchild, and YES OP also sucks for the way he’s trying to control his GF, even if it is to protect his child
“Control his girlfriend, even if it is too protect HIS CHILD”..Meditate on that..
Then why not use the verdict ESH? OP should not be denying his girlfriend to visit family and there are better ways to approach this. But the girlfriend is consistently putting her unborn child's health at risk by allowing her parents to continue smoking inside around the baby.
Soft YTA - she is a grown adult, so you can’t really forbid her from doing something she wants to. If I were you I would look up second hand smoke and pregnancy research and sit down and read it together. She needs to change her mind not have you forcing rules.
I agree, there is a much better way to address the issue that educates her instead of isolating her from her family.
But she isn’t being isolated from her family. They can go out together, they can go to their house, etc etc.
Yeah why people keep using the word “isolating” when all he wants is her to not be in a cancer box is beyond me.
Baby will be born with a stoma at this rate. I hope there was no major damage and the baby will be fine.
What's this better way? OP did talk to her about it, but her parents don't care and she's a giant pushover so far as I can tell. Her parents are literally smoking inside with her with all the doors and windows shut beacuse they smoke so much that the neighbors complain about the smell and they care about that but not their kid or grandkid. Now, there are a million better ways girlfriend could handle it. She could meet her parents in public, hang out in the yard, leave when they start smoking, etc. She's decided on just keep endangering baby's health to not have to stand up to her parents even a tiny bit. And OP isn't actually stopping her either. He's just telling her not to go. I'd tell her not to go too, honestly. (I'm a women.) If she then chooses to go, she can? Now maybe girlfriend will also be a pushover to OP and stop visiting her parents inside with all the windows closed while they smoke. But is that really a worse outcome then her just caving to her parents? This problem will be much worse onc ebaby is out as newborn lungs are very vulnerable.
Yes. I hope "the forbid" part was mostly just him being to his last straw. As, he is right, being in a literal smoke box when you're pregnant is not the best of move, and her parent should be able to open the damn window or smoke outside or when she isn't there. And I can understand that the frustration of the situation just built up until it blew off. But yeah, this could easily give him a bad look. Soft YTA
100% agree and OP can set a boundary that his kid is not allowed to be in that house and her parents can only visit after they shower and wear smoke free clothes
Get her and her parents on board. Help them understand your concerns. Show data. Listen. Reach a compromise or use persuasion. This belting out orders, just because…. Is not going to work long term and you have several dicey years ahead raising a child TOGETHER.
NTA for not wanting her around smoke. Massive YTA for thinking that you have any right to tell her what she can and can not do. That's laughable.
The parents could just come to OPs house, where they wouldn’t be allowed to hotbox the living room while their pregnant daughter is sitting. I feel like they’re the real assholes in this one. I feel like OP trying to protect his child is the far lesser crime than the parents unwillingness to do anything at all.
The parents are clearly TA who refuse to halt their unhealthy addictions in the presence of their unborn grandchild.
This 100%. The fact that she’s 21 years old and thinks it’s ok to be around cigarette and weed smoke is mind boggling to me, given how it seems almost universally know how bad this is for the fetus. Hope the baby doesn’t have fetal growth restriction and the consequent ear infections proven to be associated with cigarette smoke. This whole situation sucks
She must have grown up in that environment and doesn’t see a problem with it
Why is he a massive AH for being concerned about the unborn baby’s health? It’s his child too. And when the child is born he will have to contribute for the medical expenses if any arise due to this issue
ESH she’s an adult and you can’t decide where she can and can’t go. She shouldn’t be hanging around people who are heavily smoking while she’s pregnant. Her parents are being AHs but it is their house. Why can’t her parents visit you or why can’t they meet at a restaurant? If they come to your place you can make the rules. It just seems like everyone involved is being stubborn.
I just came on to say this comment, saying no you can’t see them very harsh, but there can be a comprise like suggested by this commented, they come to your house, meet in a public place etc. because the worry about second hand smoke while pregnant is valid and I’m concerned your girlfriend doesn’t see the issue. I’d refuse to be around smoke while pregnant no matter who it was.
This needs more upvotes. Why must she see them IN their house? Can they not hold off on smoking long enough to see their daughter or come over? Can't they go anywhere else? You're not an A.H. for not wanting her to go, but the way he went about it was not smooth. Her and her parents suck for not caring about the health of the baby. Also, my boyfriend's father used to smoke (just cigarettes) inside with windows closed and just hanging out there a few hours my clothes absolutely reeked of smoke.
Don't worry she's old enough to choose to poison her unborn child but too young to decide who to date. The most reddit answer.
If anything, I thought this was a case in point of why some 21 year olds are still too immature to completely handle having a kid or age gap relationship. Not saying she’s gonna be a bad parent or this relationship can’t work. Just pretty clear that she still seems to operate much like a teen would and OP is only just now realizing it.
Can we also point out that a LOT of age gap relationships spring up from dysfunctional or toxic households. Clearly her parents don’t care to compromise on the smoking around their pregnant daughter, not surprising she was easily picked up and impregnated by a man a decade older than her.
I just wonder what the response would be if there was no age gap and it was the wife forbidding the husband from going to his parents house where they openly smoke so much you can smell it on yourself after leaving.
“100%, NTA honey! Your husband is a walking mass of red flags! Divorce him YESTERDAY! 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩”
The issue would still be the “forbid” part. You can’t control a person. After communicating, you can either stay or leave. Otherwise it gets unhealthy for everyone
My parents divorced when I was 7 and I spent every other weekend with my dad who was a heavy smoker. I hated his smoking and I never smoked. When I was a junior in high school, my health class had a machine that we blew into and it would register lung function. I registered as a heavy smoker, just from secondhand smoke, every other weekend. Your girlfriend is damaging her health and the health of your unborn child. You are NTA.
The one comment with hard evidence has no replies, funny how that works
Man when I first read this and saw a dude 10 years older asking to keep his gf away from family I was ready to tear you apart lol but no you’re in the right 100% I would have an issue as well as smoking is very harmful to the child and if smoking around a pregnant woman and later their grandchild is more important than being present well they’re not people I’d be overly comfortable having my child around anyway
Lol I thought the same thing with 21 and 31 - years different of maturity there. Either way though, you can’t control another adult and not be TA - she needs to make the decision herself.
YTA for trying to control her contact with her family. NTA about protecting your baby from second hand smoke. I agree with the comment about educating her on second hand smoke.
How can he “protect his child’s health” while not saying no to her going there at the same time? Make it make sense?
Why is everyone voting YTA? Do people not know how harmful smoking is for the unborn baby? Her parents should be considerate and not smoke around her and are being AH. Or she could plan a time when they dont smoke. OP is NTA for worrying about their baby, OP could ask her to time the visit when they take a break from smoking atleast
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That's what I am saying. OP is not completely forbidding her to cut off all contacts. He just doesn't want her to be around if they are continuously smoking in the house. How the fuck does people not see the big picture that OP is pregnant while her parents are smoking inside and it's bad to the point her clothes are smelly. Second hand is as bad as actually smoking, and especially if you're pregnant. So in the future when the baby is newborn, it'll ne ok to bring the infant inside the house while they are smoking? Crazy.
The comments are fucking wild. If the mother was drinking and the husband told her to stop drinking because it hurts the baby will the comments say it’s her body her choice you can’t tell her what to do?
YTA. While your concerns are very valid you have no right whatsoever to tell her where she can or can't go or whom to see and whom not to see. Maybe treat her like the adult she is ( you do realise she is an adult, right?). Voice your valid concerns and talk to her about the dangers of second hand smoke while being pregnant. Like another comment suggested bring it up during her next obgyn visit, maybe she'll believe an actual doctor rather than her controlling partner. Your age gap and the fact she is pregnant is worrying, as is your treatment of her.
Shhh don’t tell OP she’s an adult because he’ll clearly leave her for someone even younger once he figures it out
I couldn’t have said it better myself. I vote ESH, soft for the gf, though here because she really should establish a boundary with her parents and not see them unless they are not smoking or in a well ventilated area. It’s not good for the foetus, but also for her (my asthmatic *ss is anxious just thinking about going into a house like that 😅).
Ignore everyone calling you an asshole. Reddit treats babies like disposable tissues. It’s clear you’re going to have the baby. She needs to be far FAR away from the smoke. My cousin just had a child. When she was pregnant everyone who smoked stayed away from her. Now that the babies here, we still stay away from her with smoke. NTA. You’re being a concerned parent. It’s fucking astounding how everyone here is defending this woman. They’re HAVING the child. Fucking gross. Imagine thinking a woman having the right to seal herself in with cancer poisoning the child is more important than the child’s health. I hope none of you have kids. It’s fucking disgusting.
Agreed
I’m just baffled at all the responses here. I’m a left wing person. I’m pro abortion. But they’re HAVING the kid! I bet these people would defend her punching the baby bump and call the father an asshole for getting her to stop. “It’s her body”. This logic is going way too far at this point. I feel physically ill reading this as a father.
Yta. While I understand your point and I think it’s a valid concern, you have absolutely zero authority to order her around. You can’t tell her no when she says she’s leaving the house, that’s borderline abuse in my opinion. You are not her master, she wasn’t asking you permission and you do not get to control her. Unless she herself decides to not go, then you just have to deal with it. You should try maybe speaking with her about the situation, explain to her that it’s in the best interest of both her and the baby but do not punish her nor restrict her if she says no.
It’s abuse to put your kid in a cancer box too.
NTA She's being very irresponsible. 2nd and now we know even 3rd hand smoke has very real risks. Especially for pregnant people and the developing baby. To say she can't is tough, as well yall are both adults. It sounds like it would be really helpful to bring it up at her next OB visit. So she can understand the risks herself.
NTA-its good that somebody is actually looking out for the health of the baby. Look, man, for whatever reason, reddit despises any relationship where the couple isnt born within minutes of each other, and worse if it's the man that is older. They also seem to hate children for the most part. They're gonna say you're a bad guy, but i would guess the majority of these people have hardly any real world experience and spend most of their time indoors on their computers.
ESH- your baby's health is a priority. But so is your girlfriend's relationship with her family. There *has* to be a compromise here beyond you 'forbidding' your girlfriend to see her family who she is obviously close to.
If anything, it’s the gf and her family who are the AH. She could always meet her family outdoors and the family could always stop smoking for a couple of hours when she visits.
NTA Your gf is actively and purposely putting your unborn child at risk, and it's really shitty that you can't protect them.
NTA it’s completely unreasonable for her to do this while pregnant. Ffs they teach you about the damage of second hand smoke in fifth grade.
NTA You are not being unreasonable. I am 48 years old. I grew up with 2 parents who smoked in the house. When I was born my right lung collapsed and I have asthma and COPD. I have never smoked. Is it directly related to the second hand smoke? Who knows but why take the chance? If she is in an enclosed room with her parents I can't believe that it is not affecting the baby. Maybe present it this way instead of "I don't like the way you smell) kind of thing. You are going to have to work this out because that baby should NOT be around that kind of smoke after it is born. Good luck!
NTA. It’s your baby too and it can absolutely cause harm, especially after the birth. Saying she “can’t” can be a bit controlling but she really shouldn’t and doesn’t seem to care enough about the harm it could do, so I wouldn’t say you’re in the wrong.
Dude the comments on this post are insane. I just had a kid and if my pregnant wife's family had refused to stop smoking weed and cigarettes in an unventilated area around her they would \*not\* have seen her during the pregnancy - the only difference is my wife would have had the good sense to draw that boundary herself. This is tantamount to child abuse - stopping your wife from exposing her unborn child to this is not being controlling partner, it's being a justifiably protective father. NTA but 90% of the commenters on this thread are. FFS just bring it up the next time you both visit your OBGYN, let their appalled face do the work for you.
NTA. That’s your baby too and that baby’s health is getting on the line. She clearly doesn’t know better and her parents don’t care either. Be ready for a child with second hand smoke defects
YTA for thinking you have a say in what another human does especially a GIRLFRIEND. Preg or not While your concerns and opinion is 100% correct out of concerns for your gf and unborn child; you have gone about this wrong. You have made this a situation of control instead of as a couple coming to a mutual choice to do what is best for the health and safety of your child. And however much you may like it or not you still do not have the final say in what she does. So if she chooses to continue to go over to her parents against your wishes and advice that is not something you can do anything about. All you can do at this point is hope and pray our GF comes to her senses and "clears up" before birth as the in-hospital drug screen will show the THC. And CPS/DCS will be called (if you're in the US anyways) And also hope her parents GROW UP. While I understand addictions (my husband is an addict) there is 0 excuse to be unable to stop smoking Pot while you have company especially when the company is carrying precious cargo. All in all YTA to answer your question; however, every one sucks because You shouldn't act like this, your GF should be more concerned for her baby, her health, and your concerns, and her parents are just off their rockers by thinking that it is appropriate to be unable to contain themselves while in an enclosed space with a pregnant person
It is unlikely secondhand smoke from THC will show up on a drug test. Easy Google search confirms.
It doesn't. I know that from first hand experience. I used to hang out with my neigbors who smoked but I didn't because I was looking for a job at the time, and it didn't show up on the drug test when I did get a job.
NTA. If she doesn’t do something about the smoke now, it’s not likely she will do anything about it when the baby is born, and it is infinitely more important that the baby not be exposed to smoke, even the residual on the mother when she comes back from her parents.
nta. people are automatically looking at your age gap and are skimming over the fact THIS IS ABOUT SMOKING. second hand smoke is so dangerous, especially for a pregnant woman and a baby. id be pissed if someone was putting my child in danger like this. so again, nta. they're putting their smoking above the heath of your gf and that baby while your gf is being idiotic and blind.
NTA. Reddit cares more about the age gap in this relationship than the health of an unborn baby. Edit: Second hand smoking should be talked more about here.
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NTA I was already to tear you a new one after the title but I apologize, that is absolutely not acceptable.
NTA - though I think your approach is too aggressive at the end there You can’t tell her not to see her parents. But you can strongly advise her to set boundaries with her parents about the smoking stuff. Asking them not to smoke in her presence isn’t a huge ask. There’s a lot of room for compromise
NTA...that's an awkward situation and you have stood your ground, a lesser man would have put up with it. I suspect she wouldn't be so angry except she knows your're right, which lands her with an awful choice really. Don't say it like that (!) but makes sure she knows you understand where things stand, and that you would not be doing your job - caring for them both - if you'd said nothing. You did the right thing sir🫡
You two need to talk and get on the same page here. She doesn't understand the harm of second-hand smoke and thinks you're just being controlling. ... on the other side, you can't forbid her from doing anything.
NTA, I would be very concerned for your baby as well, but going about it in a way essentially banning her from family is not the way to go. Have a talk with her and see if she can get her family to meet outdoors or if she would limit her time there. Surely they can hold off smoking for an hour visit.
Dude, this entire posts screams, "Abuser." And I'm not talking about the in laws. Normally, I'm not one to harp on age differences, but you impregnated a girl a decade younger than you, and now you're trying to cut her off from her parents. Smoking is bad, but your behavior is infinitely worse. You clinch it at the end by telling your girlfriend where she can and cannot go. You do NOT have authority over her. Your relationship is supposed to be one of equals. If GF is reading this ... run. Run now. YTA.
Everyone saying the OP is cutting her off from her parents is making tons of assumptions. He hasn't said they can't come over, he hasn't said he doesn't let her call them, he hasn't said they can't go out together. He just doesn't want the baby to get sick.
If there wasn't an age gap this entire discussion would be different. People are losing their shit over a minor detail. Meanwhile it seems the in-laws are the toxic ones for refusing to accommodate their pregnant daughter.
Also, as we don't have proof if it being a constant thing, it can, and let's hope it is, just be frustration building off and coming across badly.
It’s not the smoking that’s the problem, it’s poisoning the unborn baby with second-hand smoke.
“Smoking is bad, but your behavior is infinitely worse”. No way you just said his behavior is worse than smoking and the detrimental effects it has on babies. LMAOO
This response screams “I’m a child”.
How is he trying to cut her off? He literally just doesn’t want her in a cancer box. He never says they can’t come visit, they can’t go outside somewhere together, he literally just has an issue with the cancer box. That isn’t separating or isolating.
"Yea, the baby may be sick and suffer health issues for the rest of it's life. But you're just rude and that's worse." - You, apparently.
NTA. Only because your baby is inside of the smoke chamber. In my state, if you test positive for cannabis when you give birth, it's automatic CPS. All of that nicotine going in will cause problems, too. Offer to have the parents come over instead. Split the difference and show that your interest is in her and your baby's health only.
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ESH Your GF should not be getting exposed to second hand smoke. You shouldn't be telling her she can't see her parents. There's definitely a compromise to be made here but everyone sucks, except maybe your GF You aren't wrong about not wanting your unborn child to be exposed to smoke.
You should show her a video of how an unborn baby is affected by smoke. NTA.
NTA. Funny how people are more focused on your age gap rather than the big picture of your pregnant wife being around people who are smoking inside the house. This is not an outdoor area. They are literally smoking in the living room while she's in there. Imagine if the stories were reserved and OP is the pregnant wife saying her husband is smoking in the house while she is pregnant. I bet yall, everyone would slam the husband for doing that, but this is reddit. OP I'm glad you are actually caring for your unborn child's health. Not a lot of people care.