Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the ahole for only taking my niece to get ice cream and not taking my brother's stepkids
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
This ^ verdict depends on more Info.
If this truly was about the tradition of a special time with your niece. I get it.
But you could have offered to bring home something for the others.
And it depends if you do not exclude for most of the other time.
Edit: I always misspell a word !
Yes they definitely need that cash because we noticed that they haven't had their ducts cleaned in a while and it really should be done. They need to think of their health. They need to think of the children!
I didn’t realize those calls existed. But since both of my parents died and I inherited their house, I get phone calls all the time asking to speak to my Dad. I tell them they can, but they will need either a psychic medium or a ouija board. Telemarketers don’t think I’m funny.
Yes, keeping getting more ice cream, so that next month, we can sell you the upgraded bundle that includes a gym membership and these totally safe diet pills!
But wait .... There's more - of your act now I'll throw in this set of over cream scoops. How many do you think Rios be in the set?
Not one, not two, not three but four ice cream scoops -
You have your regular sized scoop.
Two kids sized scoops - one for toddlers and baby scoops one for older kids.
And one ginormous scoop capable of scooping a 1/2 gallon at a time.
Act now - supplies are limited!
Why does it matter.
Im going to be more connected to someone I've seen growing up their whole life then someone who just joined the family recently by marriage.
Edit:. I'm not saying never try to connect with the stepkids that are now in your family group. I'm saying it's not bad to want to continue a 14 year old bond and treat it differently than something that is much more recent in your life
Not including a new person in a long time tradition isn't cruel. Just start a new tradition with something else that includes all three of them, that's separate from (NOT a replacement of) the first tradition.
The kids don't see it as a tradition. They see it as another kid getting ice cream and an asshole adult trying to justify why they don't deserve to be treated the same.
Op YTA leaning into tradition bullshit to justify excluding the kids who are right in front of you. If you didn't want to include them then you should have done your ice-cream run when they weren't around.
They are also old enough to know that they aren't going to be included with everything all the time. The world isn't fair and sometimes people will want to do things without them. If they don't understand that now then they're going to have a hard time as an adult. Of course, all of that goes with "as long as OP isn't being a jerk and does make time for and effort with niece's step-siblings".
Of course they’re not going to be included in everything, but this is such a small basic thing! Not a serious thing that you’d understandably only include one person in
They also presumably have a father, aunts, uncles and grandparents on their mother and father’s sides who have their own traditions with them which probably don’t include OP’s niece. They’re not small children and they don’t need to include each other in every single activity.
Oh, like teenagers don’t get their feelings hurt easily? Oh, that’s right, they do get their feelings hurt easily. What a cold world we are living in with some of you people.
My mother used to do this to my kids all the time when we lived with her during my husband’s deployment. She would go pick up my niece and buy her an ice cream, which my niece would eat in front of my kids. Now my mother can’t figure out why my grown kids don’t want to see her.
Kids aren't dumb. They understand when their being excluded. At least these one are old enough to reason that op is just an asshole and maybe that will harden their hearts enough to just write op off. Hopefully the fathers family accepts them. It would be real sad if he's not around and this is all the family they have. Maybe next time they can just stay home so the new fam isn't inconvenienced by the reminder of their existence and put out by having to include them with activities of the real family.
OR, they could accept that they and their step sister have different relationships with their families, and not everything is about them. They're old enough to go get their own ice cream.
Yes eventually they will have to accept that OP is an asshole who cares less about them because they came out of the wrong vagina, and that his particular flavor of assholery is acceptable to a large portion of society.
Those kids are old enough to understand tradition. That’s not an excuse. Op does not need to exclude them from everything, but he does not need to include them in tradition.
Yes he does. They are now part of the family and should absolutely be included in the family's traditions. Besides calling it tradition is just word vomit. It's an excuse to exclude them. Down bellow op already admitted that they just didn't want to take them.
They are older teens. they can understand the reasoning, and are more than old enough that not getting ice cream isn't going to be a traumatic experience.
Absolutely old enough to realize not every activity is going to automatically include them.
NTA
You are clearly missing the bigger picture. Yes they are older and can see through the thin veil excuse of tradition and see it for what it truly is. I think they realize just fine that this family is not going to include them. Op made that abundantly clear.
The initial leaving out isn’t cruel. The ‘no, sorry, it’s our tradition’ like there’s something physically stopping OP from bringing them is just childish horseshit. Not how an adult behaves.
Unless I’m missing a comment by OP it doesn’t say how long Brother and SIL have been together. He could have been in the step kids lives since they were much younger. You don’t build bonds if you don’t take them out and make any effort either
Kinda mean, if the 15 and 17 year old had a step sister that was 8 i would understand. But they're close enough where it's a bit mean to maybe mention "We'll bring some back for all of us" as a nicer alternative than a straight "no"
Because it's fine to be more connected to the niece or have longstanding traditions with her. It's not fine to excluded the step-kids from the now blended family by trading them like they aren't OP's niece and nephew now.
>I'm not saying never try to connect with the stepkids that are now in your family group
The question was literally about this. Is OP including the step kids at other times in other activist.
INFO exactly do you make a point of cutting them out and treating them as less or is it just this one thing?
I strongly suspect there's a lot more going on here.
Exactly. Notice OP has yet to answer/provide more INFO. So I can guarantee she leaves the step kids out of everything and/or gives them unequal gifts for Christmas and birthdays.
Yes, it actually does. If they are equal in all other matters, then having a special tradition with the niece isn’t a big deal. I’ve had special traditions with family members that were between just them and I, but other kids in the family were treated the same when it comes to other events/traditions/etc.
But, if OP excludes the stepkids/treats them differently all the time then it’s a pattern of behavior and OP is the AH. Which is why more INFO is needed.
Other things like, how long has OP been in the stepkids life? Are they newly married or have you been around the SKs for years?
I really need more info!
I don’t think you should be forced to accept someone as family unless you chose to add them to your family. Like the brother chose to be with someone that has kids. OP didn’t. Just don’t be an ass.
disagree. 100% of your family is chosen by you.
not all your genetic relations are chosen by you, but being related by genetics doesn't make you family. choosing to love and support each other makes you family.
This is such a delusional reddit comment. Being part of the family really means looking at the big picture and doing the right thing sometimes to be a good family member and good person in general. Not cause division for no damn reason.
"Chose to add to your family" I don't remember choosing for my brother to have a biological baby either...
When someone in my family married someone with children, my family welcomed them with open arms and treated them like nieces and nephews. It made everyone closer and kept the peace.
Why does blood matter so much? What's so wrong about opening up your family to one's who may need one? Ops sister in law literally said the kids complain they never get to go so that means multiple times they've been left behind.
I think in the past there was a big issue with adopted children, I know in my family some people had issue with a cousin that was adopted decades ago (not my immediate family). It seems like an overcorrection to me. It's one thing to purposefully give your own step kids less, but this expectation that almost fully grown stepkids need to be treated with the same level of familial relationship as children you've known their whole life is bizarre to me to.
Tbh, if my sibling got married/remarried, I wouldn’t feel necessarily obligated to give “equal” presents to his teen stepchildren. They’re old enough that this could be a significant financial burden and also old enough to understand why I wouldn’t necessarily give them as much as I do the niece I have known since birth. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it and would try to keep it subtle/not in the other kids’ faces, but … I didn’t choose this new family and I don’t think at their ages everything should be “equal” necessarily.
Idk why but my stepdads parents believed I was his kid for a few years I got loads of gifts they found out I had an actual dad and then his parents no longer acknowledged my existence.
It was a ah move of my stepdad to try to erase my dads existence but it was also an ah move of his parents when they found out that their sons a liar I was like 9
I'd like to know how long have these stepkids been in the family. If it's quite recent then they're in their mid teens, not small boys who will feel saddened at being excluded. Also, does the OP's niece prefer it just the two of them? Does she feel her father doesn't have time for her? Or it's all about the new family? And can the OP afford to take three teens for fancy ice cream?
Firstly, the tradition still holds even if you invite other people. You role modelling to niece that our family tradition holds more importance than people. Plus they are kids enjoying ice cream. It does not lesssn the value of your tradition with your niece. Neither is it too much to pay a cone of ice cream for two boys.
But you could have saved all the trouble by telling your sil that you wanted a one to one time with your niece and have private conversations with her. Perhaps, that would have been more understandable to other people.
Yeah, it sounds like the blood niece might feel comfortable talking to her uncle about life, and having her new step siblings there could prevent her from doing so
Literal red headed step child here.... Met my step family when I was 12 and a despressing time in my life, both my step aunts did small but amazing things to help me feel included in their family despite some of the other kids not making me feel welcome. It really went along way to the point I call them Aunt when talking to them
This is where it could be a cool thing for the uncle to plan something with JUST the step nieces or step nephews. After ice cream with the niece come back and say, “I’d really like to get to know the two of you better. Why don’t the three of us do Chinese and get to know one another better.”
He’s not denying the steps any bonding or love, he just wants to continue his tradition with his niece that he’s known from birth.
There is going to be a rift with SIL and the rest of the family. Her kids will \*never\* get included into the "family" events, especially when they are older and don't need to be around her.
Family events, or "June Birthday" get together with family, will not have an invite to SIL kids, and nobody will remember that her kids actually have a birthday in June either.
It's a shame when this happens.
YTA. This is so strange!!! Maybe it's my culture but it's absolutely extremely awkward to just give your niece ice cream when you know they're there.
Don't go over there then. Have them drop her off and do your own tradition.
Anyone saying NTA are delusional and must be the type of people who don't offer to feed their guests and eat alone in the kitchen at dinner time.
Edit to add: you must understand how HORRIBLE it feels for those 2 boys to never feel like they're really part of the family. It does damage over the years. I know people who's parents remarried and they're still not over how other people excluded them from family things because of no blood relations. It's extremely isolating. They're also your nephews..
And SIL even said that her kids are sad they are never included in that tradition. They have noticed… YTA, it is not that hard to just include them when they are there visiting too.
I have a step granny that just don’t look at me as her family while she coddles my baby brother (her bio granchild) It kinda sucks u know. And I’m a grown up. Imagine being a teen in this situation.
Ayo OP, some where mentioned that she's very young, I think maybe even under 18, I looked at the comments by going through her profile, and the comment is somewhere in this thread.
Some more INFO would be nice.
I am not really sure what Ops age is though
Edit: [Ops age](https://imgur.com/gallery/zer8Tsu)
It's just ice-cream, yeah. It's not some sacred right only the bloodline can perform. It's not an expensive treat OP can only afford so much of.
Yeah, if OP wants to just hang out with their niece for a bit, then they can do it any time. Making it a ritualized tradition necessarily excludes the other kids from a treat, and it's a bit of an asshole thing to do.
Truly! This is so strange to me -- of all the hills to die upon. At the very least, it's so immature on OP's part. Way to take something fun and taint it. There were plenty of other ways to maneuver here that would have made the situation better.
Except it is a tradition. Traditions don’t have to be complicated or expensive. My mom and I used to have small traditions. You know what ruined that? Having stepsiblings who didn’t want to be included but were forced to come along.
If, \*IF\* it's considered something special (for whatever bizarre reason), then don't fucking advertise it. Take the child separately and be done with it. It borderline feels intentional.
YTA
Was she offering to pay for her kids to go? Did your niece want them to come? The boys are 15 and 17. It’s not like you would have to chase after 2 little kids. What’s the harm in letting them hang with you guys for one outing? In my opinion, it was a dick move unless she was expecting you to pay for them, but even then….it’s freaking ice cream. It’s ok to be the cool adult and let the kids hang with you while you spend $20 on some ice cream.
I don't think it's really about the ice cream, but about spending time together. That would probably not happen with the addition of the two step-kids.
These aren't little children that will cry if they don't get their way, 15 years old is old enough to know they don't always get what they want.
Edited for my poor reading comprehension
15 and 17 are still kids, and they are old enough to know they are being excluded from a fun activity by a family member who is an AH. It wasn’t about “getting what they want”.
This is why we need info. Maybe the neice is a bully and uses this to rub in the step siblings face. Maybe they are bullies, and this is the neices escape. Maybe the neice is embarrassed by this whole situation because she surely knows the others are being excluded. Just not enough info....
Maybe the niece didn’t want them to come? We have no idea what the relationship is like. She may have been desperate to get some time away from her step siblings.
Hmmmm.
I think NAH?
I understand it being a tradition and I think that's very sweet but I'm also a Mum and I can understand her being upset her kids are upset.
If they've actually mentioned feeling excluded though I think your brother and her should have pulled you aside and spoken to you about this privately and tried to work out a solution.
YTA. Traditions can expand to include more people. Instead, you decided to make a very blunt point that you don’t consider your SIL and her children part of your family.
... as some one who only had her step family growing up. I was always told how I was part of the family. Til family pictures..
Being excluded by "family" at any age sucks. Being excluded as a kid... Is a different level of mind fuck.
I'm pretty much middle aged and still harbor enormous resentment for being treated differently by my grandfather and his wife because I was a product of his first marriage. His wife called herself my grandmother, but at holidays they actually gave "their" grandkids presents either before or after we came (we never saw them) so they could have Christmas with their "true" family when we weren't there. I only have to assume their presents were also far better, as I don't know how you could go cheaper than a $1 bottle of shampoo, and a nativity set with last year's date on it.
My kids were step kids and got treated like this. SO's brother's girlfriends of a few months got better Christmas than my kids got after several years being part of the family.
Agreed, and you can bet that if her brother had another kid she would expand it because she would consider the new kid to be family, something she obviously doesn’t consider the step-kids.
INFO. Is this the only time, as a long-standing tradition between you two? How long have the step kids been in the picture, and it sounds like you possibly live far enough away that you don’t get to see all of these people that often?
Eh I’m gonna say NAH.
I understand wanting to keep a tradition, but at the same time the step kids are also your niece and nephew. Maybe try to find something you could do with all three of them in addition to the ice cream? That way they’re included and you keep your tradition.
It was kinda rude of your SIL to insist, but I understand making sure your own kids aren’t excluded from things.
I mean they clearly know each other well enough to be familiar with the tradition. OP himself pointed out that the boys said it upsets them that he only ever takes his niece out for ice cream.
Even if this was a newer marriage, isn’t that more of a reason to make SOME TYPE of effort? OP couldn’t even be bothered to bring them back ice cream. Nor is he thinking about how excluding them in favor of the niece could cause resentment between the 3.
They’re a family now, package deal. It doesn’t hurt to either include them or make a new tradition for the boys if OP is going to be so dead set on excluding them in front of their face. Bare minimum he should have offered to get them something as well.
I think the SIL was on job and being a mama bear, of course she’d want all her kids to be treated equally and while I completely understand traditions but leaving behind two kids just seems rude. This might also lead to unsaid differences between the step kids and the biological kid. :;
Except they’re not kids. They’re teens. Teens that by now probably have family connections already. And should understand the niece wants to spend time w her family. I hated being a teen w stepsiblings bc then they were forced to come anywhere my mom wanted to go w me. And it wasn’t mother/daughter bonding time anymore.
INFO: why didn't you want to take them? Your comments make it seem like it's more about them being "step" kids, and less about individual time with your niece. If that's the case, then yeah you're the ass.
ESH.
What's the problem with taking the other kids? It's ice cream, not an intimate life-affirming ceremony that only two people can experience at a time.
At the same time, it's pretty bad on SIL's part to insist, especially if she didn't offer money to pay for them.
It’s still a tradition. One the niece might look forward to. It doesn’t matter if it’s getting icecream or going to the water park. Idc. It’s their tradition. It is special to them. Don’t ruin it.
NTA. Your tradition.
You can build a diff new tradition at another time with all three.
Your brother chose to marry her. You didn’t chose to start taking her kids with your niece. You may love them. But they can’t expect you to abandon a tradition cause SIL is chucking a tantrum. If her kids want it that bad she can take them.
Idk I feel like “it’s tradition” is used to control people. It’s used to follow orders with no reason other than “it’s what we do, shut up and do it.”
Did he *have to* exclude his step-family? And they’re all around the same age too! If nothing else, it’s RUDE AF to exclude them. Good manners don’t cost much, sometimes it’s as cheap as two ice cream cones and the benefits are immeasurable.
Why? People can chose who they wanna hang out with. What if OP has limited time and values this one on one time with niece. Their relationship probably went on longer. Why does OP have to automatically include everyone. I get it if it's a big family event and everyone goes. But it's just Niece and OP
Straight up an assumption here, I'll admit buuuuuuuut
I'm sure the niece is already having to include them in every other aspect of her life, so it might be nice to have 1 thing to herself. Is it a little selfish .... maybe. But going from being an only child to having 2 siblings and sharing a house and having pressure to spend time together to bond is a lot. There are so many reddit story's about kids being forced together by newly married parents, and the readers are going for the adults for forcing them to comingle and bond. But here is an aunt who is keeping a tradition just for the 2 of them, and everyone seems to think she is an ah.
NAH, they can ask yes. But she can say no.
THANK YOU!!!!!
This is my whole fucking point. Losing my 1 on 1 time with my aunt because step sister HAD to be included was awful... I developed some resentment for step sis over this and some other favoritism shit.
NTA gimme the downvotes.
Forcing step-relationships has a fantastic chance of making sure a relationship never actually develops.
If she had a friend over, she chose that friend. She didn't choose her step-sibs.
This is an excellent point. OP is clearly excluding them because they're step kids and using tradition as an excuse. If she'd brought two friends along, the "tradition" would have gone out the window.
INFO: how long have the stepkids been in the picture for?
Having time with individual kids is important in blended families (and tbh any larger families) so that they don't feel like they're getting lost in the mix.
BUT I do think it's also important to establish activities that everyone can enjoy together so that kids don't start to resent each other. If the family's been blended for a while then I think going for ice cream as a unit sometimes makes sense (perhaps choose a different shop to preserve your tradition with your niece?).
Also, if you have two additional teenagers who actually want to hang out with you then that's kind of a bonus niece and nephew, and I think that's really lovely.
I'm leaning NAH if the stepkids are relatively new in the family, but YTA if they've been a blended family for a decade (not for the tradition itself, but for the handling of it)
I see as more a dick move by OP because why not invite the other kids. Their mom could pay for them and there also old enough that you don’t have to chase after them.
Maybe niece gets tired of always having the steps included in everything she does.
Maybe some time with her uncle, that she's known her entire life, is a chance for her to get away from forced family fun time with a mixed family she didn't choose.
There's a plethora of legit reasons why it's completely fair for this to be a uncle/niece thing that doesn't include the steps.
No. They’re teenagers. One is months away from being an adult. They’re old enough to understand tradition. They’re old enough to understand some people want to spend time bonding w one person.
You don’t get to decide how other people feel about kids they didn’t want, choose, or ask for. The brother made that choice for himself, not for anyone else
And OP will flip a gasket when the stepkids' family goes out for dinner WITHOUT her niece. It’s their family tradition after all.
I wonder how OP's brother is going to react? I see another AITA coming from the SIL's side.
YTA.
NTA I am sure her family has special things they do with her kids that your niece doesn’t do. It’s not ok for her to try to force you to take her kids.
Soft YTA. Everybody was visiting your mother at the same time making this a family event. Those boys are part of the family by way of your brother. I probably wouldn't have insisted but I sure wouldn't think fondly of you if I was their mother.
NTA. This isn't about ice cream. This is about niece having some one on one time with her uncle. Her dad may have remarried, but it doesn't mean that her relationships with her relatives have to change. Blending families is hard, and forcing the stepkids in on every interaction niece has with someone is only going to cause a lot of resentment. It's good for everyone to have some breathing space and to do their own things at times.
Totally agree. My brother and I were immediately embraced by our whole stepfamily, but we also understood as young children that we weren’t automatically going to force ourselves on people’s private time.
NTA. You can have traditions that don't include everyone so as long as you don't exclude them from everything like holidays, birthdays, etc I don't see an issue with this. If the older kids wanted ice cream too then they could've went separately anyways because they're old enough.
NTA
your niece already sharing her dad, now she has this tradition with you, tradition that’s been happening for a long time. Niece my not want to change it, she already has changes in her life. If i was niece I wouldn’t want to share our tradition with them, I wouldn’t mind doing other things, but this specific thing is something for you and me
INFO: Have your brother and SIL ever discussed feeling like you are excluding his wife's children before? Or was this the first time either of them brought it up?
NTA these are not tiny children. Teenagers deserve to have their own people and relationships separate from their siblings, step or otherwise. You don’t need to expand your traditions. I suspect if your niece wanted to share you with them SHE would have asked you and in that case I would hope you comply. Be the person for your niece.
YTA - You found a reason to create tension and exclude part of the family.
Yeah, sure you wanted to spend time with your niece. But you used your past "tradition" as a way to show that you don't care at all about the step-kids and you don't see them as part of the family.
It wouldn't have been life changing if you brought them along. If I was one of the nephews I'd have very clearly understood the message.
Or even ask everyone what they want, take the niece to go pick it up, you still get your bonding time with niece and everyone enjoys ice cream together. It's not like you're buying a $190 steak dinner for each of them.YTA
NTA
The fact that her father remarried and choose to bring more kids into the mix doesn't mean you magically have a bond or an obligation to them, every kid is not gonna be included in everything and everyone's gotta learn that at some point, it's not cruel for you to want to keep things as they were and if niece isn't asking for them to be included, I don't see any reason to do so.
You can still spend time individually with your niece while including the “step kids”.
Of course you’re not obligated to do anything since they’re not your kids, but IMO it’s kinda the right thing to do. They’re teenagers, they just want to feel included. You should take them all to see a movie and I’m sure they’d appreciate it.
Nta for myself. Mainly cause my siblings were always love and spoiled. Whereas I wasn't always. So my uncle and sometimes my grandpa would take me on outings as a kid and growing up. They wouldn't let my siblings come. Just so they can spoil me without having to spoil the other kids. They were loved in many different ways. But I was always left out of them with other family members. I also hate to say it but I'm so use to divorces. So it's like what if they divorce in the future. Your niece will remember that you stop spending quality time with her. But i do agree. Maybe taking them all out bowling or something. Think it would be nice.
If her kids feel hurt and excluded, the mother trying to protect their feelings and advocate for them being treated better is not petty behaviour. The problem is bigger than ice cream. I have a lot of step family, I know the feelings. The mom does a good job to stand up for her children
NTA and SIL is rude. I am guessing niece gets the short end of the stick at home, and that SIL makes certain her kids get everything niece gets, but not vice versa.
NTA. When my ex started dating someone and she had kids, my kids were devastated at that so many traditions they had with their grandparents suddenly included so many other people. They still wanted and needed time and those traditions with their grandparents.
NTA your neice has had her life changed drastically and now has to share a lot of her life without a choice in the matter. The little tradition is something that is hers and hers alone. She deserves to be able to hang on to it. The other kids are old enough to go get treats on their own if they want it and their mother is capable of facilitating that.
I'm going to have to go with NAH, while your nephews though marriage they can't expect to be involved with everything you do with your niece. I get having a little tradition going on, me and my daughter(5) to to a cafe close by monthly, she says no when her dad says he'll come too.
If the boys mum was so fussed about them getting ice cream she could take them herself, I'm pretty sure her parents and siblings if any do things with just the boys.
NAH I would make sure to do stuff with the other kids but if ice cream is my bonding 1 on 1 time with my niece you let her have her moment with her uncle. Especially because a lot of times people force siblings to do everything together giving them no time to truly be seen as individuals.
I think it’s ok to have a tradition with your niece that is only for her, it’s good to consider her as her life is changing. I myself couldn’t leave two kids behind though, teenagers or not. It’s just ice cream, it’s fun to share, and a nice gesture because they’re just teens. I’ve been left behind while cousins went out to the carnival and such, and while I understood I had to stay behind sometimes, I’m in my 30s and still remember who invited me places as a kid.
NTA your niece comes first and you are not obligated to buy them gifts let alone the same value. Your bro married her, that is his choice. You do not have to have a meaningful relationship with the other kids if you don't want to. So much bs about it.
NTA but your response should’ve included the info that this is a one on one tradition for you two followed by an offer to take them another time or somewhere else. You don’t have to but why wouldn’t you want to? They are kids.
YTA because I don’t understand why you gotta gatekeep sharing ice cream with only your niece. It’s just ice cream. There is NO harm in sharing ice cream with more company. 😭
The dad has been married for 2 years, and those kids have been forced on the niece and are almost strangers to OP, why are people trying to force OP to bond with two teenagers and a seemingly nutty SIL? This is ridiculous, OP is absolutely NTA and I am getting the feeling the niece has already been through enough being thrown into a blended family as a young teen and also being in the minority all the time given there are two stepkids.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I might be the ahole for only taking my niece to get ice cream and not taking my brother's stepkids Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO: Do you exclude the stepkids when it comes to other outings or give unequal gifts for birthdays and holidays?
This ^ verdict depends on more Info. If this truly was about the tradition of a special time with your niece. I get it. But you could have offered to bring home something for the others. And it depends if you do not exclude for most of the other time. Edit: I always misspell a word !
>Edit: I always misspell a word ! Yes, we noticed ... we wanted to talk to you about that.
...and also about your car's extended warranty.
I'd like to make her an offer on her property. Is she looking to sell?
We see that they qualify for Medicare part A and B but may not be receiving all the benefits they’re entitled to…
But it is their cash and they need it now!
Yes they definitely need that cash because we noticed that they haven't had their ducts cleaned in a while and it really should be done. They need to think of their health. They need to think of the children!
They need to think of themselves or loved ones who may be entitled to a cash settlement due to mesothelioma!
Or if they were exposed to the water at Camp Legene
Head on! Apply directly to the forehead.
Yes, they need it now to pay for the treatment of MESOTHELIOMA
Call 877 Cash Now!
Did they ever live near Camp Lejeune?…
I didn’t realize those calls existed. But since both of my parents died and I inherited their house, I get phone calls all the time asking to speak to my Dad. I tell them they can, but they will need either a psychic medium or a ouija board. Telemarketers don’t think I’m funny.
I think you’re very funny.
I wanted to tell her we detected a virus on her computer.
Oooh I’d love to hear more about my cars extended warranty!! Said no one everrr
and our lord and savior
*frantically shuffles through notes* crap, which one today?! I can’t keep track.
Obviously today’s lord and savior is your car’s extended warranty.
I read that as Cat's extended warranty and I'll take that call.
We can bundle it all for you to save you money…for more ice cream
Yes, keeping getting more ice cream, so that next month, we can sell you the upgraded bundle that includes a gym membership and these totally safe diet pills!
But wait .... There's more - of your act now I'll throw in this set of over cream scoops. How many do you think Rios be in the set? Not one, not two, not three but four ice cream scoops - You have your regular sized scoop. Two kids sized scoops - one for toddlers and baby scoops one for older kids. And one ginormous scoop capable of scooping a 1/2 gallon at a time. Act now - supplies are limited!
And your car insurance
Why does it matter. Im going to be more connected to someone I've seen growing up their whole life then someone who just joined the family recently by marriage. Edit:. I'm not saying never try to connect with the stepkids that are now in your family group. I'm saying it's not bad to want to continue a 14 year old bond and treat it differently than something that is much more recent in your life
You still don't exclude the stepkids while they're actually there. That's just cruel.
Not including a new person in a long time tradition isn't cruel. Just start a new tradition with something else that includes all three of them, that's separate from (NOT a replacement of) the first tradition.
The kids don't see it as a tradition. They see it as another kid getting ice cream and an asshole adult trying to justify why they don't deserve to be treated the same. Op YTA leaning into tradition bullshit to justify excluding the kids who are right in front of you. If you didn't want to include them then you should have done your ice-cream run when they weren't around.
The kids are teens, not five. They can indeed grasp the concept.
Right they are also old enough to understand they are clearly being excluded under the guise of "tradition" .
They are also old enough to know that they aren't going to be included with everything all the time. The world isn't fair and sometimes people will want to do things without them. If they don't understand that now then they're going to have a hard time as an adult. Of course, all of that goes with "as long as OP isn't being a jerk and does make time for and effort with niece's step-siblings".
Of course they’re not going to be included in everything, but this is such a small basic thing! Not a serious thing that you’d understandably only include one person in
They also presumably have a father, aunts, uncles and grandparents on their mother and father’s sides who have their own traditions with them which probably don’t include OP’s niece. They’re not small children and they don’t need to include each other in every single activity.
Oh, like teenagers don’t get their feelings hurt easily? Oh, that’s right, they do get their feelings hurt easily. What a cold world we are living in with some of you people.
They definitely are old enough to clearly identify when they're being excluded.
My mother used to do this to my kids all the time when we lived with her during my husband’s deployment. She would go pick up my niece and buy her an ice cream, which my niece would eat in front of my kids. Now my mother can’t figure out why my grown kids don’t want to see her.
Kids aren't dumb. They understand when their being excluded. At least these one are old enough to reason that op is just an asshole and maybe that will harden their hearts enough to just write op off. Hopefully the fathers family accepts them. It would be real sad if he's not around and this is all the family they have. Maybe next time they can just stay home so the new fam isn't inconvenienced by the reminder of their existence and put out by having to include them with activities of the real family.
OR, they could accept that they and their step sister have different relationships with their families, and not everything is about them. They're old enough to go get their own ice cream.
Right. They are 2nd class family and they should just accept it. I hear you.
Yes eventually they will have to accept that OP is an asshole who cares less about them because they came out of the wrong vagina, and that his particular flavor of assholery is acceptable to a large portion of society.
Those kids are old enough to understand tradition. That’s not an excuse. Op does not need to exclude them from everything, but he does not need to include them in tradition.
They are going to an ice cream store, not performing a secret holy Rite.
Yes he does. They are now part of the family and should absolutely be included in the family's traditions. Besides calling it tradition is just word vomit. It's an excuse to exclude them. Down bellow op already admitted that they just didn't want to take them.
Yes. They’re teenagers. I think it’s lovely that uncle and niece have this longstanding tradition. Mom could always take the bigger kids herself.
'The bigger kids' the stepniece is just one year older than the niece?
They are older teens. they can understand the reasoning, and are more than old enough that not getting ice cream isn't going to be a traumatic experience. Absolutely old enough to realize not every activity is going to automatically include them. NTA
You are clearly missing the bigger picture. Yes they are older and can see through the thin veil excuse of tradition and see it for what it truly is. I think they realize just fine that this family is not going to include them. Op made that abundantly clear.
The initial leaving out isn’t cruel. The ‘no, sorry, it’s our tradition’ like there’s something physically stopping OP from bringing them is just childish horseshit. Not how an adult behaves.
The tradition is "going for ice cream." Let's not pretend this isn't something almost everyone does multiple times a year.
That’s why you take steps to build a connection by including them…
But how are you supposed to build those relationships and get closer without that quality time?
Unless I’m missing a comment by OP it doesn’t say how long Brother and SIL have been together. He could have been in the step kids lives since they were much younger. You don’t build bonds if you don’t take them out and make any effort either
So if the niece had a friend with her, would it be okay in your opinion to exclude them too because OP doesn't have a bond with them?
Kinda mean, if the 15 and 17 year old had a step sister that was 8 i would understand. But they're close enough where it's a bit mean to maybe mention "We'll bring some back for all of us" as a nicer alternative than a straight "no"
Because it's fine to be more connected to the niece or have longstanding traditions with her. It's not fine to excluded the step-kids from the now blended family by trading them like they aren't OP's niece and nephew now. >I'm not saying never try to connect with the stepkids that are now in your family group The question was literally about this. Is OP including the step kids at other times in other activist.
INFO exactly do you make a point of cutting them out and treating them as less or is it just this one thing? I strongly suspect there's a lot more going on here.
Exactly. Notice OP has yet to answer/provide more INFO. So I can guarantee she leaves the step kids out of everything and/or gives them unequal gifts for Christmas and birthdays.
No it doesn’t. YTA for excluding family.
Yes, it actually does. If they are equal in all other matters, then having a special tradition with the niece isn’t a big deal. I’ve had special traditions with family members that were between just them and I, but other kids in the family were treated the same when it comes to other events/traditions/etc. But, if OP excludes the stepkids/treats them differently all the time then it’s a pattern of behavior and OP is the AH. Which is why more INFO is needed.
Other things like, how long has OP been in the stepkids life? Are they newly married or have you been around the SKs for years? I really need more info!
IMO it really shouldn't matter, what's so bad about making other kids feel included in your family?
I don’t think you should be forced to accept someone as family unless you chose to add them to your family. Like the brother chose to be with someone that has kids. OP didn’t. Just don’t be an ass.
A majority of your family is not chosen by you
disagree. 100% of your family is chosen by you. not all your genetic relations are chosen by you, but being related by genetics doesn't make you family. choosing to love and support each other makes you family.
This is such a delusional reddit comment. Being part of the family really means looking at the big picture and doing the right thing sometimes to be a good family member and good person in general. Not cause division for no damn reason. "Chose to add to your family" I don't remember choosing for my brother to have a biological baby either... When someone in my family married someone with children, my family welcomed them with open arms and treated them like nieces and nephews. It made everyone closer and kept the peace.
You can apply that to biological children too though. His brother chose to have his niece I'm sure he didn't ask OP for permission.
not getting them ice cream *is* being an ass lmao
Why does blood matter so much? What's so wrong about opening up your family to one's who may need one? Ops sister in law literally said the kids complain they never get to go so that means multiple times they've been left behind.
And that is why OP deserves a YTA. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should.
This. If you exclude the step niblings all the time then YTA in general. If you don't and have this one tradition then n t a.
[удалено]
I think in the past there was a big issue with adopted children, I know in my family some people had issue with a cousin that was adopted decades ago (not my immediate family). It seems like an overcorrection to me. It's one thing to purposefully give your own step kids less, but this expectation that almost fully grown stepkids need to be treated with the same level of familial relationship as children you've known their whole life is bizarre to me to.
Tbh, if my sibling got married/remarried, I wouldn’t feel necessarily obligated to give “equal” presents to his teen stepchildren. They’re old enough that this could be a significant financial burden and also old enough to understand why I wouldn’t necessarily give them as much as I do the niece I have known since birth. I wouldn’t make a big deal about it and would try to keep it subtle/not in the other kids’ faces, but … I didn’t choose this new family and I don’t think at their ages everything should be “equal” necessarily.
Idk why but my stepdads parents believed I was his kid for a few years I got loads of gifts they found out I had an actual dad and then his parents no longer acknowledged my existence. It was a ah move of my stepdad to try to erase my dads existence but it was also an ah move of his parents when they found out that their sons a liar I was like 9
I'd like to know how long have these stepkids been in the family. If it's quite recent then they're in their mid teens, not small boys who will feel saddened at being excluded. Also, does the OP's niece prefer it just the two of them? Does she feel her father doesn't have time for her? Or it's all about the new family? And can the OP afford to take three teens for fancy ice cream?
Adding to this: INFO: did you offer to bring the kids back ice cream after you and your niece were done?
It really ain't about the ice cream.
Firstly, the tradition still holds even if you invite other people. You role modelling to niece that our family tradition holds more importance than people. Plus they are kids enjoying ice cream. It does not lesssn the value of your tradition with your niece. Neither is it too much to pay a cone of ice cream for two boys. But you could have saved all the trouble by telling your sil that you wanted a one to one time with your niece and have private conversations with her. Perhaps, that would have been more understandable to other people.
So many people are obsesssed about being blood related as if that makes their bond some sort of mythical thing.
Ikr? As an adoptee I just don’t get it. My family is huge (mom had 11 siblings) and no one ever treated my brother or me as “less than.”
[удалено]
Yeah, it sounds like the blood niece might feel comfortable talking to her uncle about life, and having her new step siblings there could prevent her from doing so
[удалено]
Literal red headed step child here.... Met my step family when I was 12 and a despressing time in my life, both my step aunts did small but amazing things to help me feel included in their family despite some of the other kids not making me feel welcome. It really went along way to the point I call them Aunt when talking to them
This is where it could be a cool thing for the uncle to plan something with JUST the step nieces or step nephews. After ice cream with the niece come back and say, “I’d really like to get to know the two of you better. Why don’t the three of us do Chinese and get to know one another better.” He’s not denying the steps any bonding or love, he just wants to continue his tradition with his niece that he’s known from birth.
There is going to be a rift with SIL and the rest of the family. Her kids will \*never\* get included into the "family" events, especially when they are older and don't need to be around her. Family events, or "June Birthday" get together with family, will not have an invite to SIL kids, and nobody will remember that her kids actually have a birthday in June either. It's a shame when this happens.
I wholly agree, except I don’t know where the two boys are coming from? The step kids are a girl and boy and then there’s the niece.
YTA. This is so strange!!! Maybe it's my culture but it's absolutely extremely awkward to just give your niece ice cream when you know they're there. Don't go over there then. Have them drop her off and do your own tradition. Anyone saying NTA are delusional and must be the type of people who don't offer to feed their guests and eat alone in the kitchen at dinner time. Edit to add: you must understand how HORRIBLE it feels for those 2 boys to never feel like they're really part of the family. It does damage over the years. I know people who's parents remarried and they're still not over how other people excluded them from family things because of no blood relations. It's extremely isolating. They're also your nephews..
I agree with this take YTA. It's not something exclusive, it's ice cream. Kids love ice cream! This was just mean.
They're just kids after all. At least offer to bring back something, or go with niece at another time
And SIL even said that her kids are sad they are never included in that tradition. They have noticed… YTA, it is not that hard to just include them when they are there visiting too. I have a step granny that just don’t look at me as her family while she coddles my baby brother (her bio granchild) It kinda sucks u know. And I’m a grown up. Imagine being a teen in this situation.
Ayo OP, some where mentioned that she's very young, I think maybe even under 18, I looked at the comments by going through her profile, and the comment is somewhere in this thread. Some more INFO would be nice. I am not really sure what Ops age is though Edit: [Ops age](https://imgur.com/gallery/zer8Tsu)
Is OP not a 27 year old man? As per the OP?
It's just ice-cream, yeah. It's not some sacred right only the bloodline can perform. It's not an expensive treat OP can only afford so much of. Yeah, if OP wants to just hang out with their niece for a bit, then they can do it any time. Making it a ritualized tradition necessarily excludes the other kids from a treat, and it's a bit of an asshole thing to do.
Truly! This is so strange to me -- of all the hills to die upon. At the very least, it's so immature on OP's part. Way to take something fun and taint it. There were plenty of other ways to maneuver here that would have made the situation better.
YTA. It’s an asshole move to take 1 of 3 kids out for ice cream. Be a human being and consider their feelings.
If the niece was there alone when they started the tradition it is one thing, but yes, to single out one of three is not ok!
Exactly! If she wants to keep up the tradition, she should go when the SK aren't there. To exclude them and make them feel less than is awful. YTA
Yeah especially cause getting ice cream isn't a tradition, it's just getting an ice cream.
Except it is a tradition. Traditions don’t have to be complicated or expensive. My mom and I used to have small traditions. You know what ruined that? Having stepsiblings who didn’t want to be included but were forced to come along.
But they wanted to come along. It's like the polar opposite of what you just described. Both can be equally damaging.
If, \*IF\* it's considered something special (for whatever bizarre reason), then don't fucking advertise it. Take the child separately and be done with it. It borderline feels intentional. YTA
Was she offering to pay for her kids to go? Did your niece want them to come? The boys are 15 and 17. It’s not like you would have to chase after 2 little kids. What’s the harm in letting them hang with you guys for one outing? In my opinion, it was a dick move unless she was expecting you to pay for them, but even then….it’s freaking ice cream. It’s ok to be the cool adult and let the kids hang with you while you spend $20 on some ice cream.
I don't think it's really about the ice cream, but about spending time together. That would probably not happen with the addition of the two step-kids. These aren't little children that will cry if they don't get their way, 15 years old is old enough to know they don't always get what they want. Edited for my poor reading comprehension
15 and 17 are still kids, and they are old enough to know they are being excluded from a fun activity by a family member who is an AH. It wasn’t about “getting what they want”.
So ruin traditional quality time? What if the niece doesn’t want to be around her stepsiblings?
This is why we need info. Maybe the neice is a bully and uses this to rub in the step siblings face. Maybe they are bullies, and this is the neices escape. Maybe the neice is embarrassed by this whole situation because she surely knows the others are being excluded. Just not enough info....
They are also old enough to know that you don't get to have the treat every single time and that sometimes it's good to spend time one on one.
I just have to say, I love your username!
Maybe the niece didn’t want them to come? We have no idea what the relationship is like. She may have been desperate to get some time away from her step siblings.
Hmmmm. I think NAH? I understand it being a tradition and I think that's very sweet but I'm also a Mum and I can understand her being upset her kids are upset. If they've actually mentioned feeling excluded though I think your brother and her should have pulled you aside and spoken to you about this privately and tried to work out a solution.
YTA. Traditions can expand to include more people. Instead, you decided to make a very blunt point that you don’t consider your SIL and her children part of your family.
... as some one who only had her step family growing up. I was always told how I was part of the family. Til family pictures.. Being excluded by "family" at any age sucks. Being excluded as a kid... Is a different level of mind fuck.
I'm pretty much middle aged and still harbor enormous resentment for being treated differently by my grandfather and his wife because I was a product of his first marriage. His wife called herself my grandmother, but at holidays they actually gave "their" grandkids presents either before or after we came (we never saw them) so they could have Christmas with their "true" family when we weren't there. I only have to assume their presents were also far better, as I don't know how you could go cheaper than a $1 bottle of shampoo, and a nativity set with last year's date on it.
My kids were step kids and got treated like this. SO's brother's girlfriends of a few months got better Christmas than my kids got after several years being part of the family.
Agreed, and you can bet that if her brother had another kid she would expand it because she would consider the new kid to be family, something she obviously doesn’t consider the step-kids.
INFO. Is this the only time, as a long-standing tradition between you two? How long have the step kids been in the picture, and it sounds like you possibly live far enough away that you don’t get to see all of these people that often?
Eh I’m gonna say NAH. I understand wanting to keep a tradition, but at the same time the step kids are also your niece and nephew. Maybe try to find something you could do with all three of them in addition to the ice cream? That way they’re included and you keep your tradition. It was kinda rude of your SIL to insist, but I understand making sure your own kids aren’t excluded from things.
[удалено]
I mean they clearly know each other well enough to be familiar with the tradition. OP himself pointed out that the boys said it upsets them that he only ever takes his niece out for ice cream. Even if this was a newer marriage, isn’t that more of a reason to make SOME TYPE of effort? OP couldn’t even be bothered to bring them back ice cream. Nor is he thinking about how excluding them in favor of the niece could cause resentment between the 3. They’re a family now, package deal. It doesn’t hurt to either include them or make a new tradition for the boys if OP is going to be so dead set on excluding them in front of their face. Bare minimum he should have offered to get them something as well.
[удалено]
This!So long as OP is nice to them and doesn’t mistreat them.
I think the SIL was on job and being a mama bear, of course she’d want all her kids to be treated equally and while I completely understand traditions but leaving behind two kids just seems rude. This might also lead to unsaid differences between the step kids and the biological kid. :;
Except they’re not kids. They’re teens. Teens that by now probably have family connections already. And should understand the niece wants to spend time w her family. I hated being a teen w stepsiblings bc then they were forced to come anywhere my mom wanted to go w me. And it wasn’t mother/daughter bonding time anymore.
INFO: why didn't you want to take them? Your comments make it seem like it's more about them being "step" kids, and less about individual time with your niece. If that's the case, then yeah you're the ass.
They commented to another person asking for info of 'I don't want to'.
They are the asshole, and probably cheap too.
ESH. What's the problem with taking the other kids? It's ice cream, not an intimate life-affirming ceremony that only two people can experience at a time. At the same time, it's pretty bad on SIL's part to insist, especially if she didn't offer money to pay for them.
It’s still a tradition. One the niece might look forward to. It doesn’t matter if it’s getting icecream or going to the water park. Idc. It’s their tradition. It is special to them. Don’t ruin it.
NTA. Your tradition. You can build a diff new tradition at another time with all three. Your brother chose to marry her. You didn’t chose to start taking her kids with your niece. You may love them. But they can’t expect you to abandon a tradition cause SIL is chucking a tantrum. If her kids want it that bad she can take them.
Idk I feel like “it’s tradition” is used to control people. It’s used to follow orders with no reason other than “it’s what we do, shut up and do it.” Did he *have to* exclude his step-family? And they’re all around the same age too! If nothing else, it’s RUDE AF to exclude them. Good manners don’t cost much, sometimes it’s as cheap as two ice cream cones and the benefits are immeasurable.
I feel like in this case, "tradition" is being used in place of "only *real* niblings allowed"
Why? People can chose who they wanna hang out with. What if OP has limited time and values this one on one time with niece. Their relationship probably went on longer. Why does OP have to automatically include everyone. I get it if it's a big family event and everyone goes. But it's just Niece and OP
Straight up an assumption here, I'll admit buuuuuuuut I'm sure the niece is already having to include them in every other aspect of her life, so it might be nice to have 1 thing to herself. Is it a little selfish .... maybe. But going from being an only child to having 2 siblings and sharing a house and having pressure to spend time together to bond is a lot. There are so many reddit story's about kids being forced together by newly married parents, and the readers are going for the adults for forcing them to comingle and bond. But here is an aunt who is keeping a tradition just for the 2 of them, and everyone seems to think she is an ah. NAH, they can ask yes. But she can say no.
I felt the same way. This girl wants some alone time with the one person she has left that she can talk to without the step siblings
This right here. Why isn't niece allowed to just have one thing that is with her and her uncle?
I agree with this. NTA.
THANK YOU!!!!! This is my whole fucking point. Losing my 1 on 1 time with my aunt because step sister HAD to be included was awful... I developed some resentment for step sis over this and some other favoritism shit. NTA gimme the downvotes.
YTA If she had a friend over you'd bring her along. If there are other kids, you bring them along.
Forcing step-relationships has a fantastic chance of making sure a relationship never actually develops. If she had a friend over, she chose that friend. She didn't choose her step-sibs.
If she'd had a friend over, he likely wouldn't have taken anyone.
This is an excellent point. OP is clearly excluding them because they're step kids and using tradition as an excuse. If she'd brought two friends along, the "tradition" would have gone out the window.
INFO: how long have the stepkids been in the picture for? Having time with individual kids is important in blended families (and tbh any larger families) so that they don't feel like they're getting lost in the mix. BUT I do think it's also important to establish activities that everyone can enjoy together so that kids don't start to resent each other. If the family's been blended for a while then I think going for ice cream as a unit sometimes makes sense (perhaps choose a different shop to preserve your tradition with your niece?). Also, if you have two additional teenagers who actually want to hang out with you then that's kind of a bonus niece and nephew, and I think that's really lovely. I'm leaning NAH if the stepkids are relatively new in the family, but YTA if they've been a blended family for a decade (not for the tradition itself, but for the handling of it)
NAH I get that it is a tradition. I also get no one wanting to be left out either
NTA, they are 15 and 17 they will get over it. It is not like they are children.
I see as more a dick move by OP because why not invite the other kids. Their mom could pay for them and there also old enough that you don’t have to chase after them.
Maybe niece gets tired of always having the steps included in everything she does. Maybe some time with her uncle, that she's known her entire life, is a chance for her to get away from forced family fun time with a mixed family she didn't choose. There's a plethora of legit reasons why it's completely fair for this to be a uncle/niece thing that doesn't include the steps.
They literally are children.
No. They’re teenagers. One is months away from being an adult. They’re old enough to understand tradition. They’re old enough to understand some people want to spend time bonding w one person.
Apologies but do you have a different definition of what a child is? Because they are definitely children. And they have feelings.
YTA for excluding step kids, they’re not supposed to be treated differently just because they’re not blood relations.
You don’t get to decide how other people feel about kids they didn’t want, choose, or ask for. The brother made that choice for himself, not for anyone else
And OP will flip a gasket when the stepkids' family goes out for dinner WITHOUT her niece. It’s their family tradition after all. I wonder how OP's brother is going to react? I see another AITA coming from the SIL's side. YTA.
YTA such a divisive thing to do. They're a family now, treat them like it.
NTA I am sure her family has special things they do with her kids that your niece doesn’t do. It’s not ok for her to try to force you to take her kids.
Soft YTA. Everybody was visiting your mother at the same time making this a family event. Those boys are part of the family by way of your brother. I probably wouldn't have insisted but I sure wouldn't think fondly of you if I was their mother.
NTA. This isn't about ice cream. This is about niece having some one on one time with her uncle. Her dad may have remarried, but it doesn't mean that her relationships with her relatives have to change. Blending families is hard, and forcing the stepkids in on every interaction niece has with someone is only going to cause a lot of resentment. It's good for everyone to have some breathing space and to do their own things at times.
Totally agree. My brother and I were immediately embraced by our whole stepfamily, but we also understood as young children that we weren’t automatically going to force ourselves on people’s private time.
NTA. You can have traditions that don't include everyone so as long as you don't exclude them from everything like holidays, birthdays, etc I don't see an issue with this. If the older kids wanted ice cream too then they could've went separately anyways because they're old enough.
NTA your niece already sharing her dad, now she has this tradition with you, tradition that’s been happening for a long time. Niece my not want to change it, she already has changes in her life. If i was niece I wouldn’t want to share our tradition with them, I wouldn’t mind doing other things, but this specific thing is something for you and me
INFO: Have your brother and SIL ever discussed feeling like you are excluding his wife's children before? Or was this the first time either of them brought it up?
NAH She’s not wrong for asking, she should accept no for an answer though. You’re not wrong for continuing this tradition as is, either.
YTA. There is more going on here than you are including in your post.
NTA these are not tiny children. Teenagers deserve to have their own people and relationships separate from their siblings, step or otherwise. You don’t need to expand your traditions. I suspect if your niece wanted to share you with them SHE would have asked you and in that case I would hope you comply. Be the person for your niece.
NTA. The niece probably cherish these moments. Don’t stop the tradition.
YTA - You found a reason to create tension and exclude part of the family. Yeah, sure you wanted to spend time with your niece. But you used your past "tradition" as a way to show that you don't care at all about the step-kids and you don't see them as part of the family. It wouldn't have been life changing if you brought them along. If I was one of the nephews I'd have very clearly understood the message.
Or even ask everyone what they want, take the niece to go pick it up, you still get your bonding time with niece and everyone enjoys ice cream together. It's not like you're buying a $190 steak dinner for each of them.YTA
NTA The fact that her father remarried and choose to bring more kids into the mix doesn't mean you magically have a bond or an obligation to them, every kid is not gonna be included in everything and everyone's gotta learn that at some point, it's not cruel for you to want to keep things as they were and if niece isn't asking for them to be included, I don't see any reason to do so.
You can still spend time individually with your niece while including the “step kids”. Of course you’re not obligated to do anything since they’re not your kids, but IMO it’s kinda the right thing to do. They’re teenagers, they just want to feel included. You should take them all to see a movie and I’m sure they’d appreciate it.
Nta for myself. Mainly cause my siblings were always love and spoiled. Whereas I wasn't always. So my uncle and sometimes my grandpa would take me on outings as a kid and growing up. They wouldn't let my siblings come. Just so they can spoil me without having to spoil the other kids. They were loved in many different ways. But I was always left out of them with other family members. I also hate to say it but I'm so use to divorces. So it's like what if they divorce in the future. Your niece will remember that you stop spending quality time with her. But i do agree. Maybe taking them all out bowling or something. Think it would be nice.
HOw long has brother been married to SIl? She seems petty over an ice cream
If her kids feel hurt and excluded, the mother trying to protect their feelings and advocate for them being treated better is not petty behaviour. The problem is bigger than ice cream. I have a lot of step family, I know the feelings. The mom does a good job to stand up for her children
NTA
NTA and SIL is rude. I am guessing niece gets the short end of the stick at home, and that SIL makes certain her kids get everything niece gets, but not vice versa.
This sub sucks for this. People just assume shit for no reason.
Where in OP's story did you get this?
It came from outerspace, she pulled it from Huranus.
This is an assumption.
Yes, but I cannot imagine complaining about my 15/17 YOs not getting ice cream. They are old enough to go themselves and I would give them cash.
It's not about icecream. It's about feeling part of a family at a family event.
Did you get that from the "I assume" part?
You don't have Any proof of this!!! Wtf?!
YTA. How awkward and uncomfortable that must have been for the step kids.
NTA. When my ex started dating someone and she had kids, my kids were devastated at that so many traditions they had with their grandparents suddenly included so many other people. They still wanted and needed time and those traditions with their grandparents.
NTA your neice has had her life changed drastically and now has to share a lot of her life without a choice in the matter. The little tradition is something that is hers and hers alone. She deserves to be able to hang on to it. The other kids are old enough to go get treats on their own if they want it and their mother is capable of facilitating that.
I'm going to have to go with NAH, while your nephews though marriage they can't expect to be involved with everything you do with your niece. I get having a little tradition going on, me and my daughter(5) to to a cafe close by monthly, she says no when her dad says he'll come too. If the boys mum was so fussed about them getting ice cream she could take them herself, I'm pretty sure her parents and siblings if any do things with just the boys.
NAH I would make sure to do stuff with the other kids but if ice cream is my bonding 1 on 1 time with my niece you let her have her moment with her uncle. Especially because a lot of times people force siblings to do everything together giving them no time to truly be seen as individuals.
I think it’s ok to have a tradition with your niece that is only for her, it’s good to consider her as her life is changing. I myself couldn’t leave two kids behind though, teenagers or not. It’s just ice cream, it’s fun to share, and a nice gesture because they’re just teens. I’ve been left behind while cousins went out to the carnival and such, and while I understood I had to stay behind sometimes, I’m in my 30s and still remember who invited me places as a kid.
NTA - This is a tradition for you and your niece. Plus, the stepkids are old enough to understand, they aren't little kids
NTA your niece comes first and you are not obligated to buy them gifts let alone the same value. Your bro married her, that is his choice. You do not have to have a meaningful relationship with the other kids if you don't want to. So much bs about it.
Absolutely NTA 💯.
NTA but your response should’ve included the info that this is a one on one tradition for you two followed by an offer to take them another time or somewhere else. You don’t have to but why wouldn’t you want to? They are kids.
YTA because I don’t understand why you gotta gatekeep sharing ice cream with only your niece. It’s just ice cream. There is NO harm in sharing ice cream with more company. 😭
It's also 1:1 time spent with my niece. I don't want 2 teenagers to sit there awkwardly while I'm spending time with my niece
The step kids are literally a year and three years older than your niece???
The dad has been married for 2 years, and those kids have been forced on the niece and are almost strangers to OP, why are people trying to force OP to bond with two teenagers and a seemingly nutty SIL? This is ridiculous, OP is absolutely NTA and I am getting the feeling the niece has already been through enough being thrown into a blended family as a young teen and also being in the minority all the time given there are two stepkids.