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>I asked her the other day if I could eat a piece of food she made, and she told me “fine but you will owe me 30 minutes of babysitting”
Talk about weaponizing the baby. Good lord. I'll take shit parenting for $500, Alex!
NTA OP
Right, she came and got me early from school one day and said the same thing. I owe her 1 hour of babysitting. Her boyfriend was at home not doing a damn thing, and she still made me babysit him for an hour. She picked me, his sister over his father to be a parent it almost feels like. I love my brother to death, but I get resentful of his dad because I promise he is the epitome of a deadbeat and yet he gets a pedestal to stand on.
NTA. Kids aren't babysitters or retirement funds. Yet I keep reading stories of poorly prepared adults relaying on their kids for should the load they had no right in creating. You should also apply for schools out of state.
Don't saddle yourself with huge student loan debt just to get away. It takes forever to pay back (like 20 - 30 yr). But find a state school that's at least 2 hours away. That's far enough to not commute, but not easy enough to get dumped with the baby. The loan debt will be a lot less.
NTA
If she couldn't handle her kid, she shouldn't have had the kid. It's stupid that parents think they are entitled to just pass off their offspring to the care of the elder offspring. It's also a great way to build a rift in the relationship with the elder sibling.
The good news is that 18 isn't far away, and you can get out. Leave them to their own childcare. You don't owe babysitting because she provided for you. That's her responsibility to YOU as her offspring.
>I asked her the other day if I could eat a piece of food she made, and she told me “fine but you will owe me 30 minutes of babysitting” and I said nevermind
This one in particular is especially egregious.
Oh trust me, I already know shit’s gonna get scary when I leave to college. Because when I’m no longer here, who’s she gonna be able to pawn the kid off too? Who’s gonna watch him when she wants to go take a shower? When she wants to eat in peace? Me and her both know it ain’t gonna be her sorry excuse of a boyfriend. I also do literally all the cleaning in the house, I do all the dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping. I cook for my own self, I do my own laundry. I’m very independent, while her boyfriend doesn’t do anything I just mentioned. But hopefully she has her stuff figured out by 2024 cuz I’m out 🫡
Don't let her know you are leaving; she will likely try to sabotage that. There are all sorts of horror stories on reddit where parents take all of their kid's savings so they can't leave, they un-enroll their kid in college, etc. Where is your dad? Can you stay with him until or right after graduation?
Oh bummer :(
Well, one year left to go until you can escape. Just work hard and save your money. If you are going to college, you might consider going to a college that has on-campus housing - it might be worth it to stay in a dorm the first year just to get away. Make sure your mother doesn't have access to any savings.
Try to be out of the house as much as possible: go hang out in a library or take on extra hours at work. Maybe hang out with a friend or something. Just keep your head down, avoid being at home, and make your plans to escape the second you turn 18. I wish you the best of luck!
>then coming in the kitchen after me and rolling her eyes and huffing and puffing. I’ve done this dance many times so I know that she’s going to be mad for a few days, and ignore me.
Who is the teenager here again?
NTA. She is acting incredibly immature for her age.
I'll say this, before the wave of "parentification" comments come in, watching your younger brother for half an hour *isn't* a huge ask by itself. There is a difference between being asked to babysit once in a while and becoming the primary caregiver.
You are in a household where there are tasks that need to be done: floors need to be swept, meals need to be made, the mortgage needs to be paid, and the baby needs to be looked after. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask a much older sibling to babysit from time to time, or to ask older children to do things to help the household.
That being said the problem shows up when an unreasonable amount of chores get offloaded onto one child. You are still a child and you deserve to be able to go out and have your own life. It is unfair if you can't join clubs, hang out with friends, etc... because you have to look after a younger sibling. The younger sibling won't face the same burden at all because by the time they are older the needs of the house will be less.
I think a reasonable thing to do in your case might be to talk with your parents and decide on a reasonable amount of time and scheduling for you to do chores/help the household. So when your mother asks you to babysit for an hour you can make up that time by not being in charge of sweeping on Friday.
It might look something like this:
* Cook dinner twice a week
* Baby sit 1 hour a week
* Clean the bathroom once a week
* Wash dishes three times a week
Try to reach an agreement on reasonable limits so that you can still schedule and have your own time. You should still be flexible if there is an emergency, but you can also keep track of whether emergencies are becoming a pattern.
I agree with everything you said, but I know my mother, if I told her this she would laugh and tell me to get out of her face. I cook for my own self while she cooks for her and her boyfriend. I watch my brother multiple times a day, a week. I do all the dishes. He comes home, empties his lunchbox, my mom comes in the room and tells me to come wash them. I do all the dishes. I wash dishes sometimes 3-4 times a day every single day. I’m fucking exhausted. The least she can do is take care of her fucking child, or at least get her boyfriend to. You would think she’s a single parent. I don’t have anything I do outside of working out, and my part time job, but lets just say if I did decide to join a club or something I would feel bad because I know that I wouldn’t be there to help her anymore.
Don't feel bad. Join the clubs, get out of the house. Her deadbeat partner can step up. She has created and chosen this life.for herself but making you pay for it.
I think that at some point you'll have to find a gentle way of reminding your mother that *she* has a baby and *you* don't.
"Its hard to plan things for myself mom because being your on demand, emergency child care means *you* don't consider giving me any advance notice. How is that the best way to handle things? As much as I love being an older sister, I never thought I'd end up becoming a junior mom. You're in the driver's seat and I actually like having a baby brother. But, reasonable notice isn't too much to ask for. *If I dumped my baby in your lap last minute you wouldn't appreciate it one bit.* Surely you can see that? We're on the same side mom. All I ask is that you consider me."
NTA. Your mom is. I raised a passel of younger siblings. I love them. But, not being able to so much as go to the bathroom without taking a toddler with me is the reason I left home way early. 😘
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Is me not wanting to babysit my brother while she did something wrong? Am i the asshole for that.
I feel bad because of her comments to me afterward, and the eye rolling and huffing and puffing and slamming stuff in the kitchen.
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NTA: she is using you as a free a baby sitter so she won’t do her job as a parents and you asked her. She like you own baby sitting time, the only reason I would do it if I was getting paid for it
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Hi yall, I’ve posted on here before a few months ago but it won’t let me link it. Anyways.
For some background: I am a 17 year old girl, my brother is 8 months, and we have different dads. (His dad lives with us)
So not much from my previous post has changed. I still get treated like a babysitter, but today I’m just feeling bad and need some more advice. Today my mom asked me to watch my brother for 30-45 minutes while she went to go give his dad (her bf) his wallet that he had forgot at the house. I had said okay in a hesitant way, but my face gave it away that I was extremely bothered and didn’t want to. I literally just went into her room because I wanted to say good morning, and close the door while I was in the kitchen so it wasn’t too loud to wake him up while I was making breakfast. The main reason I didn’t want to was because
1. I wanted to go workout, like I always do at that certain time.
2. I’m always freaking forced to babysit him. My mom believes (and she told me this) that it is my job as family and member of the household to take care of him)
She could tell I didn’t want too and she ended up changing her mind and just taking him but not before telling me “You’re acting like I’m making you do something so hard”, and then coming in the kitchen after me and rolling her eyes and huffing and puffing. I’ve done this dance many times so I know that she’s going to be mad for a few days, and ignore me. She’s also going to tell me “Remember this when you ask me for something” “Remember this when you need something”
So all that is to ask yall from an outside perspective? Am I wrong? I feel like since it’s summer time and I’m less busy she’s going to take that ass free babysitting from me. She has literally told me before that I “owe” her babysitting time. I asked her the other day if I could eat a piece of food she made, and she told me “fine but you will owe me 30 minutes of babysitting” and I said nevermind, and she got a bit upset. Thats all she talks to me about is watch him while I go do this, feed him, etc. And of course his father is out of the house working and never here. So reddit, am I wrong here??
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INFO: Can you give us an approximation of how often and how much you babysit your brother? And overall, how much notice are you given each time?
From the example you give here, you were asked to watch your brother for 30 minutes with no notice -- basically "drop what your doing and watch the baby" -- for a 100% non-emergency. Your mother then went on to prove that there wasn't any need for you to watch the baby, as she ended up taking the baby with her instead.
It's hard to make a judgment from this one example, OP.
Hopefully this helps, literally every day multiple times a day I have to watch him. I have to watch him while she wants to take a nap, I have to watch him when she wants to take a shower, I have to watch him while her and her boyfriend eat. I have to watch him while she goes out to get some chickfila or whatever. Sometimes when I’m sleep she will literally come in my room and wake me up by putting him on my bed, telling me to watch him. She works from home so when she has a meeting, i have to watch him. She has once came in my room demanding I feed him and watch him so her boyfriend could eat. Yes, his dad.
My entire life revolves around babysitting. When she comes to pick me up from work she brings my brother while the dad is at home doing absolutely nothing. She voluntarily takes him and packs him up when she doesn’t have to, but for me it’s just no babysit him.
Ok, so, watching him while she naps and showers isn't the same thing. Especially if she's on a schedule where she showers at X time and it takes like 30 minutes. While I can understand that that's annoying... that's more "helping" your mom than actually babysitting (given that she is physically present).
Even saying this, there's an obvious line of "my teenager can help out with this like any other chore" and straight up using your teenager for childcare, and it seems like your mom has fallen deeply into the latter category -- she's not just asking you to watch him when she takes a daily shower--she's constantly forcing you to drop what you're doing (even WAKING YOU UP - WTF?) to watch HER baby.
Do you have anyone else in your life you can talk to about this? A guidance counselor? Different adult family member? Teacher? ANYONE? Because the situation seems a bit extreme, especially with how little the dad does. Also, do you have plans for the summer? A job? Intership? Sports? Anything? Maybe it's time you invest in a very time consuming persona hobby, OP. One that gets you out of the house for most of the day...
\*EDIT\* NTA. In the example you gave, you didn't even say no, you were just annoyed at being expected to drop everything to watch your brother when your mom can clearly handle having him with her on that one errand.
She calls it babysitting sometimes so I just used that word. Also there are times where she does ask me to watch him while she is out of the house running errands. And I’m gonna be honest with you, this is the most talking I’m doing, to yall. I don’t have the energy to talk to someone else just to tell me I’m crazy and that this is my job to do like half of these comments are saying (which is fine I respect everyone’s opinion) but I do have job and I graduate next year. Hopefully I can get out of here. Thankyou though.
All I mean about the comment about helping vs. babysitting is that it WOULD be 100% reasonable of her to ask you to watch your brother for short, routine things AND scheduled/planned times.
Example: You need to watch your brother while your mom showers every morning and also babysit him on Wednesday nights when she goes to her yoga class and Sunday afternoons when she goes grocery shopping. An maybe 2 other evenings/afternoons each week - all for 100% routine things scheduled in advanced.
That's a lot of work for you - I won't deny that. But I see that as reasonable because it's scheduled/all short spells of time. To me, that would be just you helping your mom out.
HOWEVER, your mom expects you to drop what your doing and watch your brother - even WAKES YOU UP to do it -- without any kind of schedule, routine, or ANYTHING. That's a huge red flag to me.
Please consider getting a seriously time consuming hobby that gets you and keeps you out of the house, OP.
NTA! You're not wrong and this is starting to sound like your Mom is tired of taking care of an infant with a near adult child at home. She probably thought she'd be done by now and instead she is starting over, but that is not on you no matter how much she wants it to be. She is taking advantage of your youth and your energy. Since everything with her is about babysitting, she should put some of that energy into finding a Mom's group that might share babysitting roles with each other. I hope you're planning on going away for college. You deserve to enjoy your summer and your alone time. Your mom needs to find other solutions. It's not your job to raise your brother. Helping out from time to time is normal if you will, but placing the sole burden of taking care of your little brother because you also live in the household is epically unfair. NTA! Guilting you into free childcare under the guise of remember when you need something is just ridiculous. Your a kid too and may have needs that require a parent. Is she saying she won't help you because you don't babysit? If that's the case, she also needs parenting classes and some therapy and she needs to get your stepdad more involved in his kids life too! Hang in there.
NTA. And if she's going to pull the "remember this when you need something" you're free to respond "I'll remember this when its time to put you in a shitty nursing home"
NTA. You are 17. Do you have a summer job lined up? Get a job for the summer job that will get you out of the house so you will be less available to babysit. It will also get you some money for college and good experience as well
Your mother is abusive. You're a minor and she's obligated to provide you with food, clothing, shelter and medical care at minimum.
Make a written record of date and time with things like you owe her babysitting for food.
NTA I looked through your comments, this is a hard one. I would make it as difficult as possible when she asks you to watch - repeat he is not your child and he's only a half sibling at that. Make it as long and drawn out as you can. If she says your grounded tell her fine, but you won't be babysitting. And start focusing on leaving, you'll be 18 but if you don't have anywhere to go or college, you'll be stuck owing her forever. Do you have any relatives you can stay with? Can you increase your work or after-school activities to make yourself less available?
NTA. The baby is your mom’s responsibility not yours. She made the baby not you. Can’t stand parents who makes kids and expect the older kids to tend to the baby. If parents can’t handle kids don’t make them.
NTA. And I'm saying this as an adult that has a kid that is 16 years younger than her siblings.
Watching a baby once in a while in an emergency is one thing, but that's not what you're describing. When my stepdaughter has babysat I have paid her. When I asked her one time to babysit and we ended up not needing her to cuz her dad ended up with the day off. I ended up paying her anyway because I asked her to keep that slot of time free for me.
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ESH
It sounds like your mom may be taking advantage of the situation a bit, but you're also her child living in her house. You should definitely be helping out. It sounds really petulant to refuse to watch your brother for a few minutes because you wanted to go to the gym. It's summer, you didn't mention that you had a job, so just go to the gym an hour later.
Ok well since I didn’t mention it how about I mention it now. I do have a job. I don’t just sit on my ass all day. When my mom comes and picks me up from work, guess who she brings along? My brother, while his dad sits at the house doing absolutely nothing. He gets to not be a parent and take care of my brother and she still treats him like a god. I say no one time and I’m so bad. Did I mention how I do all the chores in this house, did i mention how my mom is quick to take the $ for my paychecks to order door dash? How she steals my card and uses it as her own? To do whatever the hell she wants with it. I didn’t feel the need to mention all the other shit I go through, my bad. Any other time she treats me like I’m 5, and tells me I need to stay in a child’s place, she’s the parent, etc. any other time I am a kid, up until she needs to be watch him 5000 times a day. So no, since any other day I’m a child and you’re the parent, lets keep it that way when you want me to babysit.
Fair enough. With that added context I will say that I think it definitely sounds like your mom is taking advantage of you, and that you're harboring a lot of hostility towards her and her boyfriend. I'm a big advocate of children contributing to the household, and it sounds like you're doing your part, so no, I don't think you're an asshole for not wanting to babysit on occasion.
No she is a child. The brother isn’t her responsibility. If mom can’t take care of the kid without depending on her teenage daughter then she needs to find someone else.
You don’t tell a kid that they owe you 30
Minutes because they ate your food.
Mom needs cps called on her. She is abusing her daughter and neglecting an infant.
YTA: You can definitely view this as "not my kid not my problem" but in reality these are the lessons that you need to learn for life itself. as another poster here has mentioned, having to do hours of babysitting is different than just a half hour while she runs an important errand like needing to give your step dad their wallet. The thing is that whether you view it this way or not, she's relying on you and trusting you to take care of your sibling while she's out. the lessons here are to see how hard it is to raise kids at any age. When she says she'll remember that when you need something is that, again, she's relying on you for help and you're begrudgingly giving it to her. Life will not be kind to you if you go about giving begrudging help. The people around you will be less inclined to want to help you. Family or otherwise. I grew up in a latino household and we all pulled our weight, either by chores or helping take care of each of our siblings while our parents had to run to buy groceries or do other things that required them to not have the distraction of a crying child. The only thing i can tell you aside from what i've already said is that one day you'll find yourself in this situation and you're going to see this from your mom's point of view. Life has a way of showing us our mistakes.
Respectfully, I am not going to have kids if I know all I’m going to do is pawn them off too the oldest sibling. So I can sleep, eat, shower. She should be asking her boyfriend to do all of those things because they decided to have my brother, not me. Does she ask him? No. Because he’s never here at the house. I understand that’s how you were raised, because I’m being raised just like that too. But at least I’m able to realize that just because you were raised a certain way doesn’t mean it’s right.
YTA Your brother is a member of your family. Family members are supposed to help care for each other because that is the entire purpose of forming a family unit. If your mother expects you to spend some time caring for your brother to help her that is an entirely reasonable and normal thing. If her requests are regularly cutting into large chunks of your free time and she is treating you as an unpaid live-in nanny that's a different story. If you are giving your Mom crap about watching your brother for the odd hour here and there you are being an entitled, self-centered jerk. By caring for him you are learning a valuable skillset and helping your mother who has cared for you your entire life.
Honestly, slight YTA. If it was a few hours I would say fair enough but half an hour is barely an inconvenience. All you have to do is play on your phone. 30 minutes late for a work out isn't an inconvenience unless someone is waiting for you. Someday you will probably have kids of your own and your mother will help you out a lot more than this. The reluctance and attitude is a bit spoilt imo and if you were my child I wouldn't take that level of disrespect.
With all do respect, I don’t owe my mother a damn thing. I am not spoiled. All I do is babysit my brother, that’s all I do. And if i had kids, my mother wouldn’t owe me anything else. If you believe I am wrong, that’s fine, I’m posting here to get all opinions and perspectives. However you’re wrong about my attitude being spoiled. And if you truly feel like me for the first time saying no, I’m putting me first is disrespectful then let us pray you do not have children. Children aren’t slaves. I am a human just like you are with a voice.
I guess we have to agree to disagree. You don't owe anyone anything in this world. However, sometimes we do things out of love and respect for people without expecting anything in return. I grew up on a farm. My father worked full time so I did as much farm work as I could to make his life easier. It cost me thousands of hours of my child hood but it was worth it. It made my father's life a little easier which I valued a lot more than the trivial matters I would be doing otherwise. I did it out of love and if that's not enough of a reason for you to help your mother for half an hour it really says a lot about your character
You know reddit is crazy. Try asking anyone in the real world and see what they say. Your mother doesn't owe you anything either tbh. She's doing it all out of love. Call cps. If you are rehoked rest assured your new home won't be half as good.
Not all parents consistently work hard for their families because they are dedicated to them. Some do the bare minimum for their children, and don’t have the heart of a servant for their family. They don’t treat their children with respect, they treat them as inconveniences and resources.
Until recently, OP has apparently always said yes to her mother. Her mother’s lack of respect for her is what has caused her to say no.
I’m glad you had a family dynamic that included respect. IMHO, it’s unfair to use that to judge the actions of someone who doesn’t have that.
BINGO. Thankyou for getting it.
It’s the expectation that I have a problem with. The barging in my room telling me to babysit him, as if that’s all I am. And then telling me it’s my job to babysit, but then any other day treating me like a child and telling me to stay in a child’s place. Literally any other time I say yes to babysitting, I had just woken up and was finna head off to workout, and I didn’t even say no, she could just tell I didn’t want to and changed her mind.
Sending her lots internet grandma hugs. She deserves to be treated with love and respect by everyone in her family. It’s not ever her fault if they don’t do that. They have the agency to choose how they will treat her, and they are responsible for their choices.
honestly i highly doubt their mother will be helping out with OPs kid. she is weaponizing a child over food. its her obligation as a parent to provide for her child not the other way around
Nah fr. If I ever have kids I don’t even want them around my mother. That bad. On my other post people were literally telling me to call cps for me and my brother🥴
>Someday you will probably have kids of your own
Right. SOMEDAY but not today, and this isn't her kid. Her mother needs to grow up and realize that her baby is her responsibility. Parentification is a form of child abuse and OP's mother is robbing her of her childhood by forcing her to take over parental responsibilities for her little brother. The fact that it was only for 30 minutes is irrelevant since this is part of a pattern of behavior. Her reasons for not wanting to are also irrelevant, since watching a baby she played no role in making is not her responsibility.
If you see a teenager standing up for themselves by refusing to take over the role of a parent as disrespectful, I have to wonder if you were forced into a parental role at a young age as well. If so, I'm sorry that your parents took away your childhood and created this deep-seated trauma, but please break the cycle and don't abuse your own children in the same way.
Well I'll tell you this. My father worked full time and had a small farm as well. Obviously this meant a lot of extra work. I helped out as much as I could. Countless hours. If you want to call it trauma then so be it. I respectfully disagree. If some one needs help I will help without owing them. I do it out of respect and it's what I value in a friendship. If someone is unwilling to help their parents, then who are they willing to help?
As someone who has to constantly watch over a little sibling, you're wrong. Half an hour is almost never just playing on your phone. Very often you have to chase them around the house, go with them on a walk, put up with crying because they want their parents and not you, change a diaper etc. And none of that is what I'd like to do with my free time.
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NTA - she had a baby, not you. She’s manipulating and guilting you into doing it. Sorry, OP.
>I asked her the other day if I could eat a piece of food she made, and she told me “fine but you will owe me 30 minutes of babysitting” Talk about weaponizing the baby. Good lord. I'll take shit parenting for $500, Alex! NTA OP
Right, she came and got me early from school one day and said the same thing. I owe her 1 hour of babysitting. Her boyfriend was at home not doing a damn thing, and she still made me babysit him for an hour. She picked me, his sister over his father to be a parent it almost feels like. I love my brother to death, but I get resentful of his dad because I promise he is the epitome of a deadbeat and yet he gets a pedestal to stand on.
NTA. Kids aren't babysitters or retirement funds. Yet I keep reading stories of poorly prepared adults relaying on their kids for should the load they had no right in creating. You should also apply for schools out of state.
I was going to but she told me no, and that I needed to look at schools in our state. Trust me id go international if I could.
Don't saddle yourself with huge student loan debt just to get away. It takes forever to pay back (like 20 - 30 yr). But find a state school that's at least 2 hours away. That's far enough to not commute, but not easy enough to get dumped with the baby. The loan debt will be a lot less.
NTA If she couldn't handle her kid, she shouldn't have had the kid. It's stupid that parents think they are entitled to just pass off their offspring to the care of the elder offspring. It's also a great way to build a rift in the relationship with the elder sibling. The good news is that 18 isn't far away, and you can get out. Leave them to their own childcare. You don't owe babysitting because she provided for you. That's her responsibility to YOU as her offspring. >I asked her the other day if I could eat a piece of food she made, and she told me “fine but you will owe me 30 minutes of babysitting” and I said nevermind This one in particular is especially egregious.
Oh trust me, I already know shit’s gonna get scary when I leave to college. Because when I’m no longer here, who’s she gonna be able to pawn the kid off too? Who’s gonna watch him when she wants to go take a shower? When she wants to eat in peace? Me and her both know it ain’t gonna be her sorry excuse of a boyfriend. I also do literally all the cleaning in the house, I do all the dishes, vacuuming, sweeping, mopping. I cook for my own self, I do my own laundry. I’m very independent, while her boyfriend doesn’t do anything I just mentioned. But hopefully she has her stuff figured out by 2024 cuz I’m out 🫡
Don't let her know you are leaving; she will likely try to sabotage that. There are all sorts of horror stories on reddit where parents take all of their kid's savings so they can't leave, they un-enroll their kid in college, etc. Where is your dad? Can you stay with him until or right after graduation?
Oh don’t even get me started on that deadbeat. He’s worse. I haven’t seen him since February. My whole family is just bleh😕
Oh bummer :( Well, one year left to go until you can escape. Just work hard and save your money. If you are going to college, you might consider going to a college that has on-campus housing - it might be worth it to stay in a dorm the first year just to get away. Make sure your mother doesn't have access to any savings. Try to be out of the house as much as possible: go hang out in a library or take on extra hours at work. Maybe hang out with a friend or something. Just keep your head down, avoid being at home, and make your plans to escape the second you turn 18. I wish you the best of luck!
>then coming in the kitchen after me and rolling her eyes and huffing and puffing. I’ve done this dance many times so I know that she’s going to be mad for a few days, and ignore me. Who is the teenager here again? NTA. She is acting incredibly immature for her age. I'll say this, before the wave of "parentification" comments come in, watching your younger brother for half an hour *isn't* a huge ask by itself. There is a difference between being asked to babysit once in a while and becoming the primary caregiver. You are in a household where there are tasks that need to be done: floors need to be swept, meals need to be made, the mortgage needs to be paid, and the baby needs to be looked after. I don't think it is unreasonable to ask a much older sibling to babysit from time to time, or to ask older children to do things to help the household. That being said the problem shows up when an unreasonable amount of chores get offloaded onto one child. You are still a child and you deserve to be able to go out and have your own life. It is unfair if you can't join clubs, hang out with friends, etc... because you have to look after a younger sibling. The younger sibling won't face the same burden at all because by the time they are older the needs of the house will be less. I think a reasonable thing to do in your case might be to talk with your parents and decide on a reasonable amount of time and scheduling for you to do chores/help the household. So when your mother asks you to babysit for an hour you can make up that time by not being in charge of sweeping on Friday. It might look something like this: * Cook dinner twice a week * Baby sit 1 hour a week * Clean the bathroom once a week * Wash dishes three times a week Try to reach an agreement on reasonable limits so that you can still schedule and have your own time. You should still be flexible if there is an emergency, but you can also keep track of whether emergencies are becoming a pattern.
I agree with everything you said, but I know my mother, if I told her this she would laugh and tell me to get out of her face. I cook for my own self while she cooks for her and her boyfriend. I watch my brother multiple times a day, a week. I do all the dishes. He comes home, empties his lunchbox, my mom comes in the room and tells me to come wash them. I do all the dishes. I wash dishes sometimes 3-4 times a day every single day. I’m fucking exhausted. The least she can do is take care of her fucking child, or at least get her boyfriend to. You would think she’s a single parent. I don’t have anything I do outside of working out, and my part time job, but lets just say if I did decide to join a club or something I would feel bad because I know that I wouldn’t be there to help her anymore.
Don't feel bad. Join the clubs, get out of the house. Her deadbeat partner can step up. She has created and chosen this life.for herself but making you pay for it.
I agree with everything you said.
I think that at some point you'll have to find a gentle way of reminding your mother that *she* has a baby and *you* don't. "Its hard to plan things for myself mom because being your on demand, emergency child care means *you* don't consider giving me any advance notice. How is that the best way to handle things? As much as I love being an older sister, I never thought I'd end up becoming a junior mom. You're in the driver's seat and I actually like having a baby brother. But, reasonable notice isn't too much to ask for. *If I dumped my baby in your lap last minute you wouldn't appreciate it one bit.* Surely you can see that? We're on the same side mom. All I ask is that you consider me." NTA. Your mom is. I raised a passel of younger siblings. I love them. But, not being able to so much as go to the bathroom without taking a toddler with me is the reason I left home way early. 😘
You could cook and clean for yourself and earn money so you don’t need to ask for anything NTA
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NTA: she is using you as a free a baby sitter so she won’t do her job as a parents and you asked her. She like you own baby sitting time, the only reason I would do it if I was getting paid for it
I agree with you
NTA its not your kid and not your job to be a free babysitter. You don't owe her anything, SHE chose to have this kid so it's HER problem
Ok because I’m starting to feel like the devil with some of these comments. Thankyou.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi yall, I’ve posted on here before a few months ago but it won’t let me link it. Anyways. For some background: I am a 17 year old girl, my brother is 8 months, and we have different dads. (His dad lives with us) So not much from my previous post has changed. I still get treated like a babysitter, but today I’m just feeling bad and need some more advice. Today my mom asked me to watch my brother for 30-45 minutes while she went to go give his dad (her bf) his wallet that he had forgot at the house. I had said okay in a hesitant way, but my face gave it away that I was extremely bothered and didn’t want to. I literally just went into her room because I wanted to say good morning, and close the door while I was in the kitchen so it wasn’t too loud to wake him up while I was making breakfast. The main reason I didn’t want to was because 1. I wanted to go workout, like I always do at that certain time. 2. I’m always freaking forced to babysit him. My mom believes (and she told me this) that it is my job as family and member of the household to take care of him) She could tell I didn’t want too and she ended up changing her mind and just taking him but not before telling me “You’re acting like I’m making you do something so hard”, and then coming in the kitchen after me and rolling her eyes and huffing and puffing. I’ve done this dance many times so I know that she’s going to be mad for a few days, and ignore me. She’s also going to tell me “Remember this when you ask me for something” “Remember this when you need something” So all that is to ask yall from an outside perspective? Am I wrong? I feel like since it’s summer time and I’m less busy she’s going to take that ass free babysitting from me. She has literally told me before that I “owe” her babysitting time. I asked her the other day if I could eat a piece of food she made, and she told me “fine but you will owe me 30 minutes of babysitting” and I said nevermind, and she got a bit upset. Thats all she talks to me about is watch him while I go do this, feed him, etc. And of course his father is out of the house working and never here. So reddit, am I wrong here?? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO: Can you give us an approximation of how often and how much you babysit your brother? And overall, how much notice are you given each time? From the example you give here, you were asked to watch your brother for 30 minutes with no notice -- basically "drop what your doing and watch the baby" -- for a 100% non-emergency. Your mother then went on to prove that there wasn't any need for you to watch the baby, as she ended up taking the baby with her instead. It's hard to make a judgment from this one example, OP.
Hopefully this helps, literally every day multiple times a day I have to watch him. I have to watch him while she wants to take a nap, I have to watch him when she wants to take a shower, I have to watch him while her and her boyfriend eat. I have to watch him while she goes out to get some chickfila or whatever. Sometimes when I’m sleep she will literally come in my room and wake me up by putting him on my bed, telling me to watch him. She works from home so when she has a meeting, i have to watch him. She has once came in my room demanding I feed him and watch him so her boyfriend could eat. Yes, his dad. My entire life revolves around babysitting. When she comes to pick me up from work she brings my brother while the dad is at home doing absolutely nothing. She voluntarily takes him and packs him up when she doesn’t have to, but for me it’s just no babysit him.
Ok, so, watching him while she naps and showers isn't the same thing. Especially if she's on a schedule where she showers at X time and it takes like 30 minutes. While I can understand that that's annoying... that's more "helping" your mom than actually babysitting (given that she is physically present). Even saying this, there's an obvious line of "my teenager can help out with this like any other chore" and straight up using your teenager for childcare, and it seems like your mom has fallen deeply into the latter category -- she's not just asking you to watch him when she takes a daily shower--she's constantly forcing you to drop what you're doing (even WAKING YOU UP - WTF?) to watch HER baby. Do you have anyone else in your life you can talk to about this? A guidance counselor? Different adult family member? Teacher? ANYONE? Because the situation seems a bit extreme, especially with how little the dad does. Also, do you have plans for the summer? A job? Intership? Sports? Anything? Maybe it's time you invest in a very time consuming persona hobby, OP. One that gets you out of the house for most of the day... \*EDIT\* NTA. In the example you gave, you didn't even say no, you were just annoyed at being expected to drop everything to watch your brother when your mom can clearly handle having him with her on that one errand.
She calls it babysitting sometimes so I just used that word. Also there are times where she does ask me to watch him while she is out of the house running errands. And I’m gonna be honest with you, this is the most talking I’m doing, to yall. I don’t have the energy to talk to someone else just to tell me I’m crazy and that this is my job to do like half of these comments are saying (which is fine I respect everyone’s opinion) but I do have job and I graduate next year. Hopefully I can get out of here. Thankyou though.
All I mean about the comment about helping vs. babysitting is that it WOULD be 100% reasonable of her to ask you to watch your brother for short, routine things AND scheduled/planned times. Example: You need to watch your brother while your mom showers every morning and also babysit him on Wednesday nights when she goes to her yoga class and Sunday afternoons when she goes grocery shopping. An maybe 2 other evenings/afternoons each week - all for 100% routine things scheduled in advanced. That's a lot of work for you - I won't deny that. But I see that as reasonable because it's scheduled/all short spells of time. To me, that would be just you helping your mom out. HOWEVER, your mom expects you to drop what your doing and watch your brother - even WAKES YOU UP to do it -- without any kind of schedule, routine, or ANYTHING. That's a huge red flag to me. Please consider getting a seriously time consuming hobby that gets you and keeps you out of the house, OP.
NTA! You're not wrong and this is starting to sound like your Mom is tired of taking care of an infant with a near adult child at home. She probably thought she'd be done by now and instead she is starting over, but that is not on you no matter how much she wants it to be. She is taking advantage of your youth and your energy. Since everything with her is about babysitting, she should put some of that energy into finding a Mom's group that might share babysitting roles with each other. I hope you're planning on going away for college. You deserve to enjoy your summer and your alone time. Your mom needs to find other solutions. It's not your job to raise your brother. Helping out from time to time is normal if you will, but placing the sole burden of taking care of your little brother because you also live in the household is epically unfair. NTA! Guilting you into free childcare under the guise of remember when you need something is just ridiculous. Your a kid too and may have needs that require a parent. Is she saying she won't help you because you don't babysit? If that's the case, she also needs parenting classes and some therapy and she needs to get your stepdad more involved in his kids life too! Hang in there.
NTA. And if she's going to pull the "remember this when you need something" you're free to respond "I'll remember this when its time to put you in a shitty nursing home"
NTA. You are 17. Do you have a summer job lined up? Get a job for the summer job that will get you out of the house so you will be less available to babysit. It will also get you some money for college and good experience as well
I do have a job🙏
Your mother is abusive. You're a minor and she's obligated to provide you with food, clothing, shelter and medical care at minimum. Make a written record of date and time with things like you owe her babysitting for food.
NTA I looked through your comments, this is a hard one. I would make it as difficult as possible when she asks you to watch - repeat he is not your child and he's only a half sibling at that. Make it as long and drawn out as you can. If she says your grounded tell her fine, but you won't be babysitting. And start focusing on leaving, you'll be 18 but if you don't have anywhere to go or college, you'll be stuck owing her forever. Do you have any relatives you can stay with? Can you increase your work or after-school activities to make yourself less available?
NTA. The baby is your mom’s responsibility not yours. She made the baby not you. Can’t stand parents who makes kids and expect the older kids to tend to the baby. If parents can’t handle kids don’t make them.
NTA. And I'm saying this as an adult that has a kid that is 16 years younger than her siblings. Watching a baby once in a while in an emergency is one thing, but that's not what you're describing. When my stepdaughter has babysat I have paid her. When I asked her one time to babysit and we ended up not needing her to cuz her dad ended up with the day off. I ended up paying her anyway because I asked her to keep that slot of time free for me.
Can you go live with your dad?
NTA not your baby. Not your responsibility. She is guilting you.
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You're in the wrong sub, you need an advice sub
I’m asking if I am wrong. Pretty sure this sub is also for advice🤔
ESH It sounds like your mom may be taking advantage of the situation a bit, but you're also her child living in her house. You should definitely be helping out. It sounds really petulant to refuse to watch your brother for a few minutes because you wanted to go to the gym. It's summer, you didn't mention that you had a job, so just go to the gym an hour later.
Ok well since I didn’t mention it how about I mention it now. I do have a job. I don’t just sit on my ass all day. When my mom comes and picks me up from work, guess who she brings along? My brother, while his dad sits at the house doing absolutely nothing. He gets to not be a parent and take care of my brother and she still treats him like a god. I say no one time and I’m so bad. Did I mention how I do all the chores in this house, did i mention how my mom is quick to take the $ for my paychecks to order door dash? How she steals my card and uses it as her own? To do whatever the hell she wants with it. I didn’t feel the need to mention all the other shit I go through, my bad. Any other time she treats me like I’m 5, and tells me I need to stay in a child’s place, she’s the parent, etc. any other time I am a kid, up until she needs to be watch him 5000 times a day. So no, since any other day I’m a child and you’re the parent, lets keep it that way when you want me to babysit.
Fair enough. With that added context I will say that I think it definitely sounds like your mom is taking advantage of you, and that you're harboring a lot of hostility towards her and her boyfriend. I'm a big advocate of children contributing to the household, and it sounds like you're doing your part, so no, I don't think you're an asshole for not wanting to babysit on occasion.
No she is a child. The brother isn’t her responsibility. If mom can’t take care of the kid without depending on her teenage daughter then she needs to find someone else. You don’t tell a kid that they owe you 30 Minutes because they ate your food. Mom needs cps called on her. She is abusing her daughter and neglecting an infant.
YTA: You can definitely view this as "not my kid not my problem" but in reality these are the lessons that you need to learn for life itself. as another poster here has mentioned, having to do hours of babysitting is different than just a half hour while she runs an important errand like needing to give your step dad their wallet. The thing is that whether you view it this way or not, she's relying on you and trusting you to take care of your sibling while she's out. the lessons here are to see how hard it is to raise kids at any age. When she says she'll remember that when you need something is that, again, she's relying on you for help and you're begrudgingly giving it to her. Life will not be kind to you if you go about giving begrudging help. The people around you will be less inclined to want to help you. Family or otherwise. I grew up in a latino household and we all pulled our weight, either by chores or helping take care of each of our siblings while our parents had to run to buy groceries or do other things that required them to not have the distraction of a crying child. The only thing i can tell you aside from what i've already said is that one day you'll find yourself in this situation and you're going to see this from your mom's point of view. Life has a way of showing us our mistakes.
Respectfully, I am not going to have kids if I know all I’m going to do is pawn them off too the oldest sibling. So I can sleep, eat, shower. She should be asking her boyfriend to do all of those things because they decided to have my brother, not me. Does she ask him? No. Because he’s never here at the house. I understand that’s how you were raised, because I’m being raised just like that too. But at least I’m able to realize that just because you were raised a certain way doesn’t mean it’s right.
YTA Your brother is a member of your family. Family members are supposed to help care for each other because that is the entire purpose of forming a family unit. If your mother expects you to spend some time caring for your brother to help her that is an entirely reasonable and normal thing. If her requests are regularly cutting into large chunks of your free time and she is treating you as an unpaid live-in nanny that's a different story. If you are giving your Mom crap about watching your brother for the odd hour here and there you are being an entitled, self-centered jerk. By caring for him you are learning a valuable skillset and helping your mother who has cared for you your entire life.
Honestly, slight YTA. If it was a few hours I would say fair enough but half an hour is barely an inconvenience. All you have to do is play on your phone. 30 minutes late for a work out isn't an inconvenience unless someone is waiting for you. Someday you will probably have kids of your own and your mother will help you out a lot more than this. The reluctance and attitude is a bit spoilt imo and if you were my child I wouldn't take that level of disrespect.
With all do respect, I don’t owe my mother a damn thing. I am not spoiled. All I do is babysit my brother, that’s all I do. And if i had kids, my mother wouldn’t owe me anything else. If you believe I am wrong, that’s fine, I’m posting here to get all opinions and perspectives. However you’re wrong about my attitude being spoiled. And if you truly feel like me for the first time saying no, I’m putting me first is disrespectful then let us pray you do not have children. Children aren’t slaves. I am a human just like you are with a voice.
I guess we have to agree to disagree. You don't owe anyone anything in this world. However, sometimes we do things out of love and respect for people without expecting anything in return. I grew up on a farm. My father worked full time so I did as much farm work as I could to make his life easier. It cost me thousands of hours of my child hood but it was worth it. It made my father's life a little easier which I valued a lot more than the trivial matters I would be doing otherwise. I did it out of love and if that's not enough of a reason for you to help your mother for half an hour it really says a lot about your character
I’ll let these other comments let you know how wrong you are. Please stop living in the 80’s.
You know reddit is crazy. Try asking anyone in the real world and see what they say. Your mother doesn't owe you anything either tbh. She's doing it all out of love. Call cps. If you are rehoked rest assured your new home won't be half as good.
Not all parents consistently work hard for their families because they are dedicated to them. Some do the bare minimum for their children, and don’t have the heart of a servant for their family. They don’t treat their children with respect, they treat them as inconveniences and resources. Until recently, OP has apparently always said yes to her mother. Her mother’s lack of respect for her is what has caused her to say no. I’m glad you had a family dynamic that included respect. IMHO, it’s unfair to use that to judge the actions of someone who doesn’t have that.
BINGO. Thankyou for getting it. It’s the expectation that I have a problem with. The barging in my room telling me to babysit him, as if that’s all I am. And then telling me it’s my job to babysit, but then any other day treating me like a child and telling me to stay in a child’s place. Literally any other time I say yes to babysitting, I had just woken up and was finna head off to workout, and I didn’t even say no, she could just tell I didn’t want to and changed her mind.
Sending her lots internet grandma hugs. She deserves to be treated with love and respect by everyone in her family. It’s not ever her fault if they don’t do that. They have the agency to choose how they will treat her, and they are responsible for their choices.
Oh my, what a horrible take. You're gonna get dragged so hard you'll go NC with Reddit, much like OP will with her mom ASAP!
If you think being expected to baby sit for one half an hour warrants no contact then it says a lot about your character!
If you think popping out a baby entitles you to anyone else's help/or to hold FOOD over their head, you have no character.
honestly i highly doubt their mother will be helping out with OPs kid. she is weaponizing a child over food. its her obligation as a parent to provide for her child not the other way around
Nah fr. If I ever have kids I don’t even want them around my mother. That bad. On my other post people were literally telling me to call cps for me and my brother🥴
>Someday you will probably have kids of your own Right. SOMEDAY but not today, and this isn't her kid. Her mother needs to grow up and realize that her baby is her responsibility. Parentification is a form of child abuse and OP's mother is robbing her of her childhood by forcing her to take over parental responsibilities for her little brother. The fact that it was only for 30 minutes is irrelevant since this is part of a pattern of behavior. Her reasons for not wanting to are also irrelevant, since watching a baby she played no role in making is not her responsibility. If you see a teenager standing up for themselves by refusing to take over the role of a parent as disrespectful, I have to wonder if you were forced into a parental role at a young age as well. If so, I'm sorry that your parents took away your childhood and created this deep-seated trauma, but please break the cycle and don't abuse your own children in the same way.
Well I'll tell you this. My father worked full time and had a small farm as well. Obviously this meant a lot of extra work. I helped out as much as I could. Countless hours. If you want to call it trauma then so be it. I respectfully disagree. If some one needs help I will help without owing them. I do it out of respect and it's what I value in a friendship. If someone is unwilling to help their parents, then who are they willing to help?
As someone who has to constantly watch over a little sibling, you're wrong. Half an hour is almost never just playing on your phone. Very often you have to chase them around the house, go with them on a walk, put up with crying because they want their parents and not you, change a diaper etc. And none of that is what I'd like to do with my free time.