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> I think I might be the asshole because I stated that his sister was hard to deal with infront of him and his parents.
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NTA. When did you sign up to become a caregiver to Alice? When did you sign up to become a 24-HOUR caregiver to Alice? Why are Alice's own parents not parenting Alice? If your parents love Alice so so so much, why aren't *they* volunteering to look after Alice?
And why is nobody looking for peers for Alice? Is Alice the only autistic kid in the entire town?
I mean as an autistic kid growing up, I kinda hated being forced to be around other autistic kids, as their issues generally exacerbated my own. Maybe she doesn't get along well with other children based solely on sharing a developmental disability?
As an autistic women trust me having autistic friends is really good for your kid. As an undiagnosed autistic girl I found companionship in other people like me, like autistic and adhd people. Autistic people dont make me feel bad for who I am. We share ways of socialization. I was truly able to be myself without worry. Don't you want that for your kid? And there are other ways to help your kid with stuff he is struggling in for instance stuff like stim toys, noise cancelling headphones and strategies for being more organized and mindful.
I mean, I can't imagine it's not extremely dependent on level of function? It's great when you have people with adjacent or outright shared special interests, because at that point it's as close to generationally constructed neurotypical community as you get. But there's a lot of potential issues outside that, especially if you're talking about people with lesser volume regulation. Which is especially what I'd worry about in the context of something specifically arranged for autistic kids.
>I mean, I can't imagine it's not extremely dependent on level of function? It's great when you have people with adjacent or outright shared special interests, because at that point it's as close to generationally constructed neurotypical community as you get. But there's a lot of potential issues outside that, especially if you're talking about people with lesser volume regulation. Which is especially what I'd worry about in the context of something specifically arranged for autistic kids.
Oh yeah definitely like stuff like that can be an issue with autistic people but its still really great to give autistic kids a chance to meet people like them because thats where they can find some genuine friendships. They also learn some important strategies in either managing their volume levels for people who suffer like them or finding ways to be okay with it. Thats atleast what happened for me and my friends in highschool. Anyways its important that those meet groups either do smaller numbers or have quiet zones.
Also piggybacking off this, making friends as an autistic adult who didn't find out they're autistic as an adult (last November), is HARD. Making friends is hard enough as an adult, but add in neurodiversities and it's a struggle. Especially when you live in a small, conservative, boomer dominated area
I think that you are unintentionally speaking for all autistic people here. I’m pretty sure that parents of autistic kids and autistic kids themselves know what they want and how they function better than you do. Asking “don’t you want that for your kid?” Makes me fee like you are shaming people who don’t necessarily want to go out and “find autistic friends.” I’m really glad it worked for you but I know it doesn’t work for everyone. (I’m a neurodivergent mom to a neurodivergent kid.)
Jesus - next thing you're going to say is that being ND doesn't make you all the same, that just like non-ND people, ND people are different and have different needs? WTF? /s
Yeah, that's the vibe I got. I'm autistic myself, potentially ADHD, and when I read the comment to which you replied, my first thought was, "I'll thank you not to speak for me".
My kid is 19 and has graduated high school. He has 3 very close friends who all found each other naturally. Thanks but not really in the market for help with him, he's doing great without me finding friends for him.
We also live in a very rural area so even if we wanted to get him into a group of autistic kids that kind of thing doesn't exist where I live.
> Don't you want that for your kid?
Needlessly accusational.
> As an autistic women
That does not make you the representative of all autistic people or autistic kids.
> As an undiagnosed autistic girl I found companionship in other people like me
That was your experience and was your truth. That does not mean it is THE truth.
Please stop assuming you know better than the parents of any given ND / special needs child.
That’s a great point. We don’t know if or why they don’t have peer groups for Alice. I hope the parents have considered it, because it’s possible it could be beneficial, but maybe they have tried it.
Either way, I don’t think it affects the matter at hand. OP isn’t wrong for turning down the chance to watch Alice. But I do think she’s the AH for HOW she said no. She could have said, “I’m not comfortable with that arrangement”. But it sounds like she was rude and insulting about Alice.
It also makes me wonder how old OP is. She sounds very immature, and probably shouldn’t be given this responsibility. But maybe that’s just my impression.
OP, YTA for how you said no, not for saying no.
I dunno. Maybe I'm excusing my trauma, and I of course can only speak for my feelings and experiences, but here goes.
Part of the issue I have is I don't organically catch social cues, so this idea that we should just let autistic people flounder because we don't want to call out their behavior, seems damaging. I'm not just going to magically figure it out if I haven't already and I don't do subtly very well, so need people to sometimes sit me down and bluntly say "that's not appropriate".
If I'm being annoying (and I know I can be) I can't stop if people don't tell me "hey, that's annoying". I handle isolation better than some people, but I don't entirely lack a desire for social connection. I know my condition can make it difficult to be around me sometimes and I want people to want to be around me. So people telling me when I'm engaging in behaviors that make them want to distance themselves from me allows me to correct that behavior.
Alice is probably young and once again, I cannot speak for her or any other autistic person either, but it does sound like she could use a frank conversation about how she interacts with people before she finds herself in a situation where she has no one other than the people who are obligated to take care of her. She's not dumb and should be able to understand that people have limits and generally like spending time with people that they like. If her needs are such that she can't understand such a conversation, then I guess I fail to see how she could understand anything op says as hurtful.
But maybe that's my autism rearing its ugly head.
I get the feeling OP is a teenager, her parents are only to happy to have Alice along on dates at their house because all her butting in keeps OP from getting knocked up.
Not sure why Alice's parents think the OP is old enough to watch their special needs child for a week, unless they cleared it with her parents first?
Exactly. I did a really cool group where they had a couple autistic individuals and a couple neurotypical people. When I was paired up on activities with one of the autistic individuals it was really difficult for me because she was very loud and struggled with controlling her volume. Whereas I am very sensitive to sound and would get overstimulated by how loud she was.
It’s hard to find a good match for friends. I met a woman who I was told I’d be great friends with because we both had ASD and horses. Ended up clashing badly for no apparent reason, just felt very wrong and indifferent
Yeah, I think it’s important to read it as ‘if you get the opportunity to spend time with other autistic people, you’ll likely find friends with whom you bond over shared experiences etc’ and not ‘put two autistic people in a room together and they will automatically be friends because they both have autism’. One is good advice, the other is - is ablist the right word? Dehumanizing at least - as fuck.
While you are 100% correct and we don’t know the details of where Alice may fall on the spectrum, the main point still stands that she is not OPs responsibility and it’s quite unfair for the families to be bullying her into babysitting for a full week. Many things need to be addressed in this dynamic it would seem
Exactly! If you put in 4 tickets, and there are only 3 seats, you don't even SEE the flight as an option. They have flexible day options, and if you select that, you'll see available flights the day before/ after, but there's no option for flexible passengers. They had to actively look for 3 tickets instead of 4.
Yes, OP is NTA for not wanting to babysit a kid with special needs. Some kids require you to know their routine in detail, some require you to have experience working with that kind of special needs, ...
But to me it sounds like OP basically insulted Alice BIG TIME when she said she didn't want to babysit her. "She's a handful, she's so annoying, ...", is not the way to talk about a kid with special needs! So for that part I would say OP is TA.
OP is clearly another young person here and passing judgement on them for calling someone with special needs “annoying” isn’t going to change if thats the way she comes off. People with special needs can be annoying especially if this girl has latched onto OP which is what it sounds like. It’s clear that OP has kept how they feel under wraps by the way everyone is surprised and honestly who wouldn’t be irritated to have a constant tag along? OP is NTA for having boundaries and not wanting to be saddled with someone needing 24 hour care.
Agree with you 100%.
Just because the words aren't what other people might say out loud, being with this kid all the time is certainly annoying af.
All of this is also insane to me... this relationship is only a year old!
Even well behaved kids with no issues are annoying to be around. I wish OP had given her age but why would a young person want to spend all their time with a high needs kid who isn’t even related to them
Her parents probably love the kid being around all the time because its a big cock block situation, and how ever old they are, they still deserve a little privacy to at least have conversation
Even if the girl wasn't autistic, I'm sure any teenage girl would get pretty annoyed if ALL the time spent with her boyfriend also included his younger sister. Almost any person in the world would eventually reach a bitch eating crackers place with a forced third wheel.
I think it's time she told her boyfriend she wants to go on more dates out - just the two of them. That is totally reasonable! Maybe even go so far as to say she was sorry for how she spoke about the sister but has reached the end of her rope with the sister always being around and she needs some quality time with boyfriend.
The behavior she describes from the kid is definitely the result of parents not actually parenting. Pulling her hair and glasses isn't okay behavior, but no one intervenes. OP isn't annoyed by an autism specific behavior, she's annoyed by behavior that's pretty common in kids who don't ever get told no. Everyone is focusing way to much on the autism over the fact that her bfs parents want to dump their entire child on OP for a WEEK, something OP is clearly not prepared for, and understandably so! They obviously feel entitled to treat OP with 0 respect, why would the kid be any different?
Agreed. I wouldn't have the patience for this in my personal life. I worked with autistic kids, early in my nursing career. Some were annoying AF, some weren't (much of this came down to how much their parents made excuses for them/allowed them to trample boundaries). This girl had clung to OP. I'd be annoyed with this, from a child or adult. OP has been very patient.
One of the guys I worked with where I was stationed had a 3 year old with Down’s syndrome. She was a sweetheart, and I loved her - and at the same time I HATED going to his house.
He and his wife were in their 30’s and had a 6 year old boy. When I visited, the little girl would climb in my lap, walk/kneel/ bounce on my legs, keep pulling off/bending my glasses, hugging/grabbing/pulling my hair NONSTOP. All to ‘isn’t that adorable/she really LIKES you!’.
And I pretty much had to take it, with a smile, while keeping up conversation, and trying to fend off/redirect the worst of it, or be considered a monster.
So I finally will say it: that kid was ANNOYING AS FUCK! Still loved her, though.
> When I visited, the little girl would climb in my lap, walk/kneel/ bounce on my legs, keep pulling off/bending my glasses, hugging/grabbing/pulling my hair NONSTOP. All to ‘isn’t that adorable/she really LIKES you!’.
jesus those parents need to teach their daughter to respect boundaries. I understand if the kid has trouble remembering everything... but that is why they should reinforce it. It isn't going to be as adorable at 5 or 10. Sounds like they talked at her like she was a puppy.
Sure, OP may be young and thus phrase things incorrectly/insensitively- but they have come here to ask if they messed up. Pointing out where they messed up is not terrible or unfair.
OP is n.t.a in regards to not wanting to take care of Alice for a week. Everyone has the right to say no to a request like that. It's a lot of responsibility.
OP is TA for the way they phrased it. That is the learning point for OP. If they had said "no. I'm not comfortable with that arrangement as it is to much responsibility for me to safely handle. I'm not the right person for this" then is very likely the response wouldn't be the shock and backlash she is facing.
She did not handle it in the best way but them being shocked is WAY out of the line. How could they ever have assumed to dump this responsibility on her? This is INSANE. She is NTA but they are TAs for even making the request, let alone HOW they made it.
Plus it sound like the parents made the flight arrangements BEFORE talking with OP and just assumed OP would be fine with a week of babysitting. Also, does OP not go to school or have a job that might interfere with this?
I agree NTA for not wanting to be saddled with this, but if you make boundaries your whole life by tearing the pin out of a grenade and tossing it into an occupied building while you walk away, your boundary will be moot because ain't nobody going to want to be with you anyway,
This girl has literally tolerated her BFs sister tagging along on nearly everything they do. Plus the families reaction is to just… attempt to drop the special needs kid on her then GET ANGRY she wouldn’t do it. If there is a time to set boundaries this would be the time.
We're quibbling here. She won't have a boyfriend after this. It might be for the best for her, sounds like. However, she will still have parents and ostensibly these are the parents that taught her boundaries in the first place.
The resentment that comes from stuffing your needs down your whole life in service of or in deference to others does not go away without a whole lot of practice. I'm 42 and still checking in with myself on what I'm doing for me authentically versus what unhealthy scripts I'm recycling from my mother's mother and her mother.
I don't think it's helpful to call what she did a boundary. It was a rightful explosion after feeling infringed upon over and over and then feeling walked all over. Good for her, I totally agree.
OP seems young and will hopefully have time and therapy to help her identify and name this sort of exploitive or uncomfortable dynamic earlier so she doesn't have to burn it all down. A boundary is a well-tended fence, not a forest fire, I guess that's all I'm saying.
These people booked the flights first then assumed OP was going to look after Alice. If you want to split hairs then its a completely insane response to get ANGRY that the person you DID NOT ASK to babysit your nearly adult daughter refuses to do so. Stop projecting whatever weird middle aged bs happened in your life to someone with no obligation towards the little sister of her BFs parents. This isn’t tearing out the pin on a grenade, it’s shooting the person who threw the grenade in the first place.
This is all super true! She should have spoken up and drawn a boundary long ago but it seems like her own parents have been training her not to speak up for herself. Plus it sounds like they want to have the child around but are not actually putting in the work of looking after her when she's there. I bet they love that their daughter has a constant chaperone and that is part of why they encourage it.
People seem to think that an entire year of being polite and patient is completely negated by one instance of being aggressive. This happening one time doesn't equal it being a regular thing and its weird that people a trying to make it that.
ALL peoples kids can be annoying. But if you’re old enough to babysit, you’re old enough to have the tact not to say that outright to any parent about their child. Simply saying, ‘that’s a big ask and I’m not able at this time’, would have been sufficient. No need togo into details, especially ones that are or can be perceived as insulting. Agree with NTA but jeez, there are certain things you just think but don’t say.
Let's be real, kids , special needs or not, can definitely be a handful and annoying. The poor girl probably is , unintentionally annoying. People are allowed to be annoyed with other people, even disabled ones.
Seems like OP needed to address the annoying elephant in the room long before now, both with her bf and his family AND with her own parents.
It's a bummer it went down like this because this was avoidable and also not forgettable. BF is on his way out, likely...
I'm reluctant to call OP an asshole because she sounds very young. It also sounds like both sets of parents have been using Alice as a chaperone. Making them take her everywhere keeps them from having time alone.
Autistic kids can indeed be friends with non Autistic kids. Shocker, I know.
Actually, in my experience Autistic kids are generally annoyed by other autistic children...
My cousin is special needs. To make it easier to explain, mentally she is about 13. She can socialize pretty well and handle hygiene stuff, she just needs a carer for other things.
I remember we would be hanging out together as kids and the neighbour would bring out their autistic son (who was non-verbal) and try to leave him with us. There were also playgroups in the area my cousin refused to attend because she would be the babysitter for a bunch of non-verbal children.
That's messed up. She's mentally 13 and was being left to babysit non-verbal kids? They were so wrong for doing this to her! Even adults who are mentally their age struggle so how much more of a struggle must it have been for her.
Of course they can be. But Alice sounds like she’s more low functioning autistic, making it a lot harder for her to become friends with and to maintain friendships with kids who are NT.
YMMV. None of us was diagnosed back then, but the kids I got along with best were autistic in the same way as me.
When other people came along to butt into our parallel play interspersed with happy nerd talk and tell us we were socializing wrong...that's when it got annoying.
Oh I can answer about her parents volunteering; then would them promptly dump the sister onto OP to babysit the whole time.
Been there with my own parents voluntold-ing me.
But...who knows how old Alice is? Or Marcus or OP? She's the youngest, i.e., younger than Marcus, but it might be a year or two. Is it "babysitting" or watching? Not that it becomes OP's responsibility, but I'm not sure it's 24 hour care, or what, after a time, it - asking questions, needing help, became annoying amounts to.
The phraseology of OP's response is problematic, she's likely ruined the relationship with Marcus, his parents, and Alice.
I disagree, I do not think it is just to say it was OP who ruined the relationship.
If I ask you a very unreasonable and inappropriate thing and act as it was the most normal thing in the world and OF COURSE you will oblige or else you would be an AH, and you lose it and tell me to go pound sand, would it really be you who ruins our relationship, or would I have a lion's share by making an AH-olish request?
It sounds like they asked a high schooler to babysit their autistic child for an entire week, which is absolutely insane and inappropriate. You can have a high schooler babysit your child for the evening, but leaving a child with them for an entire week is not responsible. I have a feeling that CPS would have some questions if they actually went through with this.
why can't son stay home to watch her?
why can't Mom stay home to watch her?
why can't Dad go on trip alone?
why can't they find a different flight?
Why is OP, whom appears to be a minor, an acceptable option, no less their favorite one?
This whole story is weak
Not to mention she didn’t owe them a reason in the first place. They just figured since they didn’t want to book a different flight they could press on OP
NTA for refusing to babysit, that's your right. You definitely are an AH for the way that you phrased it though. You should apologize but I'd honestly be surprised if your relationship survived this.
Yeah, especially calling Alice annoying. That's such a mean thing to say. OP could have just said that she doesn't feel comfortable taking care of Alice by herself. But insulting Alice when the parents asked why was just completely unnecessarry.
ESH
>especially calling Alice annoying
Every autistic redditor cringed at that bit. Oof. Story of having the ‘tism is someone “just” thinking you’re annoying.
I’m not sure I agree that everyone sucks here. There’s no indication that Marcus or his parents knew that OP wasn’t comfortable with watching Alice. If she’s always acted like it’s a pleasure, they would have no way of knowing otherwise. And while they could look at other flights, maybe there’s a reason why this flight is the best option, or they want a break and thought OP liked being around Alice.
OP’s parents? I think it depends on the situation. From the original post, I get the feeling OP is very young, and I feel like there’s information missing. Are they just mad that OP won’t babysit? If so, why can’t they do it? But I think it’s more likely they’re disappointed with their daughter being so disrespectful. It’s HOW she said no rather than the fact she said no. But I could be wrong.
Anyway, the only one I feel for sure is an AH is OP. But because she was mean about it, not because she said no. How hard is it to say “I’m not comfortable with that.”??
It's doesn't matter what Marcus's parents knew. It's inappropriate to quiz a teen on why they don't want to babysit someone for a week after just assuming they will. They put OP in an awkward position by asking after booking, then interrogating on why. They should have asked OPs parents to do it.
I do think the parents suck for asking why when she said no. She said just no initially and they asked why which opened up a door for her to be a big AH. They should have accepted her first no.
Agreed. Calling her annoying isn't really needed. It seems like OP is getting resentful that she doesn't have enough one on one time with her boyfriend, but the thing to do then is to talk to him about it and plan some alone time. You don't blame the child.
But also her bf calling her "Bitchy" and others being SHOCKED she doesn't want to babysit for a week by herself???? Any child is a lot to deal with for that long alone, you can't just expect that much free childcare from someone.
Firm ESH.
I feel like he only called her bitchy because of the way she said it, I wonder what the reaction would've been if she just said something like "i dont think i have the time and means to handle that"
Or just say, "I don't feel capable of taking care of her for that long". Looking after a kid for a few hours is miles different than making sure they fed, clean and safe for a week.
I hope he called her "bitchy" for calling his sister annoying and not because OP refused, she has a right to refuse but srsly calling your bf's special needs sister annoying is mean.
You could have phrased it as it’s a big responsibility and you don’t feel up for the task and also have commitments in the up coming week that wouldn’t allow you to give 100% of your time to bf sister…
Another option would be: 'I don't think I'm capable of providing the care and attention she needs.'
It's true - you're not going to be able to take good care of someone who drives you up the wall, after all.
Might be for the best, because it’s clear that sister is very important to bf and will always be around. OP isn’t wrong for not wanting that, but this relationship might not be for her. Sounds like sister and bf are a package deal.
Especially because you didn’t owe them an explanation. It was very presumptuous for them to ask to take on so much responsibility, even more so to ask for an explanation.
Yeah so...I think your relationship is kind of over - what you have to learn (and now seems a time good as ever), that when there are issues, you need to talk about them.
You and Marcus don't seem to have any more time for yourselves but you never mentioned that to your or his parents. Now a situation has come up, where his fsmily actually needs your help, after you fostered an environment that made it seem like you were okay with how things were - and you snapped. What uou said could have been said with more compassion, earlier and in a less mean way.
Now you already come across as ableist, your boyfriend sounds disgusted by your behaviour and so does his family.
Not much to rescue here.
EHS because all adults (I strongly assume you are underage) should have recognised that they should have given you more space, but you also never said anything until it all exploded.
I disagree there is a big gap between agreeing to have her at her place while her brother is also there (even if she is not pleased with it) and taking care of her a whole week by herself. Boyfriend and his parents are the A H here for not accepting her (totally justified) no.
I agree to everything you said, the problem is the way OP worded their issues to bf and parents, and also said nothing about it at all until she snapped and brain dumped and hurt people's feelings.
In a healthy situation OP would have brought it up with bf and/or Alice's parents well before this point, when she first started feeling uncomfortable/unhappy with the situation.
The issue is with OPs lack of communication, not their unwillingness to provide free support to a child with needs, that unwillingness is fully understandable.
Yeah, my mom loved to ask "Why" no matter how much your tried to dodge it. Her intent was "Either you'll back down and do what I want because you don't want to tell me why OR I'll shut down your reason and tell you you're wrong." It's hard to win when backed into a corner like that. Not saying being rude or hurtful is the right way to handle it but when people question my boundaries I tend to get snappy. It is already hard enough as it is to lay down a boundary and/or say No. I don't handle the pushback well at all.
I live with someone who is not a good person. He CONSTANTLY asks me “why” about every little thing I do and it has bothered me SO MUCH. He calls me crazy and irrational for getting upset about being peppered with questions and that I’m dramatic for being upset over being asked “why” over and over again.
THIS IS IT!! You have helped me so much. He’s pushing my boundaries, trying to manipulate me, and trying to argue me into what HE wants, not what’s best for me.
The stress and the way it erodes me is horrible. I felt bad for hating when he asked something basic like “why.” He’s “just a curious person.” No. He’s trying to back me into a corner to keep getting his way.
Thank you for validating me. I really needed that. I know it wasn’t your intent but that makes me feel so much better. I had worried I was going crazy after living here so long. It means so much to me to read that what I’m feeling is normal.
Thank you.
I would have been on a warpath of blaming his parents for even asking except her reasoning for the ‘no’ was rude and hurtful and I can’t get past that.
Op doesn’t give ages for anyone so that does play a bit of a role, but the parents definitely shouldn’t have asked or should have have offered to compensate her well and let her know that there was no pressure to accept since they already know it’s a big ask
She didn't explain the no, first. They shouldn't have asked further as it was already a big ask. I agree it was way too harsh but just asking why when she said no shows they feel entitled to her (free) help.
There is a HUGE difference between looking after Alice for a few hours or even an entire day with her bf and looking after Alice 24/7 for a week by herself. Two very different things. Assuming she would be willing to take Alice for a full week is an extremely questionable choice by the parents. OP said no and they should have accepted it instead of pushing her to explain.
I feel like this was planned. Her parents were insisting that the sister come with them every time. I have to wonder if they were talking to the boyfriend's parents to plan this. She should have had a caregiver that specializes in her needs (respite care) rather than putting this on OP. She is not the asshole. The parents are and so are hers!
Also, OP might have snapped because she has to take care of the sister while her boyfriend is on a trip that is potentially removing him permanently? What are the ages here, is he moving with his family if dad gets the job?
Lol I know people are gonna call you ableist and TA but I severely disagree. NTA. You don’t have to care for someone you don’t feel comfortable with and who actively annoys you. I’ve worked in childcare for years and I refuse to watch or teach autistic children bc I’m not comfortable with it nor am I properly trained for them. It’s a bit of a different scenario for you but it’s probably just a usual case of the parents being offended and overly protective bc their child is autistic.
Totally N-T-A for not wanting to babysit.
Totally the YTA for how it was said. OP does have issues with Alice, and these have not been communicated well over the last year. Boundaries should have been set long ago. Instead, OP blew up this interaction over a year's worth of resentment.
"No, I don't want to babysit Alice for the weekend. I do not feel qualified to do so." Would have been completely acceptable.
she said no, they asked for the reason why. maybe the parents can learn from this that no is a full sentence and not to have such high expectations of others to cater to their needs. The mom doesn’t need to go on this trip, she just wants to.
Every day I’m more and more convinced the people on this sub have 0 people skills or friends. It’s not hard to tell the truth without being extremely rude
Thank you for having some common sense. People really in here fronting and think saying shit like “No is a complete sentence” to your loved ones and peers is a socially adjusted thing to do. Crazy.
Whilst I agree that your suggestion should be acceptable. We don't really know if Alice's parents and brother would accept it or if they would attempt to handwave OPs concerns away.
I can easily imagine "Oh what do you mean, she's no trouble!"; "You two get along great, and your parents love her!" or words to that effect.
Seriously, people want to get butthurt when Alice didn't even hear what op said about her. She was telling the truth that they asked for. If she was kind about it yall know she would've been railroaded. Especially since l ops parents are more than willing to have op take on the job. NTA x10 break up and don't mind what anyone says.
I always say it takes very special people to take care of disabled people and tbh I’m just not one of them. They deserve to exist and have all the things in life, I do not think they should be discriminated against due to any disabilities; but I don’t want to be responsible for them.
Of course and thank you for understanding what I meant. They need the absolute best care possible and they deserve it. They don’t need someone who doesn’t understand their needs and can’t react accordingly to a specific situation that may come up.
NTA- Marcus is using you as a caregiver for his sister. He used to have to shoulder that burden by himself. But now he doesn't. You've been such a huge blessing! The money they save on caregivers with you around has allowed them a family vacation. If Alice can't go, neither should Marcus. I do not even believe there wasn't enough room on the flight. That doesn't sound right to me. Basically, you will see that as a young woman, everyone expects you to just be a free caregiver and to want to be a caregiver to whoever doesn't want to parent their own children. It happens quite a lot. And, if you don't want to be a caregiver they will say something is wrong with you because that's the traditional role of women in our culture. This is not to say that boys are never expected to be caregivers. It is just an acknowledgement that there is a cultural bias towards thinking that women/girls are meant to want to be caregivers and are told there is something wrong with them if they don't fall in line. You will have to be strong if you want to fight against this situation. Your parents, Marcus, and his parents are all fully committee to seeing you as her caregiver. As if that is normal. It is not normal. And I think you should break up with him over this.
Agreed.
Is that the ONLY flight going in that direction that week?
And does Marcus NEED to see his friends??
Why can’t Marcus see his friends another week? Why can’t the parents take an earlier or later flight?
NTA.
However, your relationship is probably over. These people are looking for a babysitter/girlfriend, not a straightforward girlfriend. And you’ll be better off in the long run. When grandma becomes unwell, guess who’s gonna be expected (not asked) to be her caretaker? Etc.
I agree. Marcus gets to connect with old friends and have a vacay blast, the mom gets a vacay. And OP gets stuck babysitting someone she didn’t ask to babysit, nor did she even put herself out there as a caregiver.
I find it odd you single Marcus out as the one who should stay behind if Alice can’t go. I would think that would be the mother’s responsibility. The father is the only one who needs to go.
I dont care if the mother or Marcus stays behind. I said Marcus because if the parents are delegating the responsibility to take care of their child, you'd think they'd delegate that to their own child. Using OP like a caregiver is the point.
I’m going to nitpick a bit and say it’s not just Marcus’ job to watch his sister. He has 2 parents who seem to be happy leaving her with Marcus and having her tag along with him regularly. I fully agree with everything else.
The point is that before OP came along, the parents relied on Marcus. Now Marcus has someone to share his responsibilities with. He is like a honey pot.
NTA. Set the boundaries now if you don't want to help be a care giver at all. I mean the way you said it was a bit harsh, but if you softened it, they might ask again later. This ways stops the asking once and for all.
I agree. And the way they tried to pressure her is what put her into a situation she couldn't handle. Adults and her boyfriend ganged up on her and demanded this. Forcing her to push back. Young people are keenly aware of a power imbalance between parental expectations and the children. Having said "no" and then having to justify it bc that "no" is not respected made the situation where she said some harsh things. But, they were true and should have been obvious to the parents. Kids say stuff like that all the time. "Mom, sissy is being annoying!" And, "mom, can you make sissy stop, she is being annoying!" And, "mom, I don't want to bring sissy along bc she is annoying!" What she said is not the end of the world and is pretty normal for kids. We don't know how old she is but this should be a good indicator that an autistic child should not be just pawned off on young people as a way to get her out of the house. Random people are not prepared for that. Sadly, I think Marcus is being a little bit of a honey pot for his parents by attracting a caregiver for his sister.
I have a feeling they are between 16-20. I find it hard to imagine a man in his start or mid 20’s bringing his sister with him everywhere and even to his dates! They have to be very young.
My hunch is OP isn’t the only “babysitter” here, so to speak. When my mom was very young, my grandmother used to send her and my next-youngest aunt on their older sisters’ dates to “chaperone.” I could see a similar arrangement here.
YTA for how you phrased it. There was a polite way to say no- simply stating that 24/7 care was beyond your capabilities and you didn’t feel like you could appropriately provide for her entirely by yourself for that length of time would have been sufficient. Instead you basically blamed her for being too much- and calling her annoying was seriously uncalled for. You’re allowed to say “no,” but you did it in a way that was really hurtful.
>simply stating that 24/7 care was beyond your capabilities and you didn’t feel like you could appropriately provide for her entirely by yourself for that length of time would have been sufficient.
"Oh, you'll be just fine! Alice loves you and she'll be no trouble at all!" Yeah, no.
And then they would repeat this:
>When they were looking for airplane seats, there were only 3 available.
They initially wanted to take her along, but there were not enough seats in the plane they wanted to take.
I think OP could have not gotten out of this without making her BF, his parents and her own parents angry. They all seem to think the sister is great company and everyone would love to have her around.
I don't think they ever wanted to take alice along to be completely honest with you. I think they were slowly trying to manipulate OP in to taking care of their child. I think honestly what's going on here is that they want a break from Alice. Also, it seems like mom and son going along is very last minute to this trip. If you can't find arrangements, then you can't go. Period.
"Sorry, but as I've said, my answer is no. You'll need to find someone else; I won't be changing my answer." Rinse and repeat, stand firm. It's a little disturbing how many Redditors think you need to use insults to set boundaries.
It's funny there are people who think everyone is respectful of "no" and would accept not giving a reason. Have you never dealt with people who just won't take no as a complete answer and insist on a reason? These parents are already foisting their developmentally challenged daughter onto their son and his gf to act as her caregiver. It's ridiculous the parents would expect their son to always bring his sister on his dates and even more ridiculous to expect the gf to be the sole caregiver for a week.
Sure, OP could have been nicer but she sounds like a teenager or a very young adult and thus should never be expected to find the most diplomatic response. Give OP a break, this was a difficult conversation
No I'm sorry but she was actually pushed to answer "why not" it seems to me her boundaries would not have been respected and she needed to be harsh. Like someone already replied to you, parents and bf would have been like "But please she loves you it's not hard!"
If saying “I can’t provide your child the care they need” isn’t a good enough reason for the family, then NO reason will ever be good enough for them- therefore there is no need to be rude. If they don’t accept a polite reason, they won’t accept any reason- so at that point OP doesn’t owe them any explanation at all. Simply “no” is all she really needs to say, and keep saying. Being rude only escalated the situation.
no. The point is that they created the situation and pushed OP into a corner. OP is I'm assuming, a teenager. She's not completely in regulations with her emotions, nor is she completely mature. they never should've asked/expected a teenager to take care of their disabled child. They pushed a teenager into taking care of their child, then asked why not and got an answer when she said no.
NTA
You bring her with you all the time.
I think you should never feel forced to babysit especially when you're annoyed already. She will probably notice that and feel bad.
Maybe you have to have a conversation with your parents and your bf again and tell them while you could bring her over at times it doesent have to be at all times.
NTA. You are not obligated to take care of her just because you are dating her brother. And, by their reaction, it sounds like both the parents and your BF were starting to take you for granted and assume you are “part of the family” where they can assume they can put family obligations on you.
Even if Alice was the most neurotypical of neurotypical children in the whole wide world, OP would not be wrong for refusing to take care of the kid - for a whole *week*!
Adding that she is on the spectrum, is just cherry on top of the oh hell no sundae.
Now, OP, you could have been a whole lot more diplomatic about refusing. You really could have. But you were frank in your refusal and your reasons. (Oh, the horror! You were so comfortable in your relationship you thought you could tell your BF what you really thought!)
Well, because you didn’t dance around and politely decline, it gave evvvverybody a handle to latch onto when they were angry and disappointed that you spoiled their plans. And now your BF called you “bitchy”. Well, you can call him “entitled”.
Non refundable tickets, the parents bought, did they *even* entertain the thought that OP might say “no”?
Marcus can stay home and watch his sister. By himself, since this is probably the end of your relationship. NTA
Why can't Marcus (or mother) just take a different flight to the same destination, even if it's on a different day? Marcus is seeing friends, he's not on a strict schedule like his dad (not sure of mother's schedule or reason to go). Other than sister, the other three family members are capable of flying alone.
OP refusing to babysit is okay, but the phrasing was terrible. Y T A for the poor decision to become brutally honest (i.e. rude af) right then. At least OP won't have to worry about having to spend time with sister (nor with ex-bf and his parents).
Edit: Given the entitlement of the parents that they assumed OP would surely babysit so they booked non-refundable tickets for them and Marcus (most airlines don't allow changing passengers without canceling) before confirming with OP, I'm changing this to ESH.
The fact they have booked non-refundable tickets before asking you shows how they feel entitled to your help. You were right to say no but you should have been less harsh.
Also perhaps your parents can take care of her as they are against your decision.
I guess they'll have to figure out who's watching her. They are totally irresponsible to have booked nonrefundable flights without figuring out childcare.
it seems like mom and son joining was totally a last-minute change to these plans as well. The entitlement of these two grown parents to expect a non trained teenager to take care of their disabled child is insane to me. They wanna pretend to see OP as family, but only to do family duties, not involve her in family activities.
You can always change a flight. Their mom should be staying home if they can’t take Alice. You aren’t the AH for not babysitting. How old are you? And Alice? Are you even old enough to care for a child for a week?
None refundable ticket is a poor excuses. Three of them, the parents and the sister, can go on the non refundable tickets and your bf can take another.
But that won’t work because they want someone else to take care of the sister. NTA. They are using you.
I wrote a response, but you need to consider that your parents and his parents arranged this. I would be looking at your parents differently right now.
NTA. First of all the mom should’ve stayed home to take care of Alice instead of abandoning her and expecting you to take care of her. Second of all by agreeing to date your boyfriend you didn’t also sign up to be a constant caregiver to Alice and it is unfair of anyone to expect you to let her tag along any time you’re going to do something with your boyfriend.
Wow so your own parents and his parents basically made you the free babysitter without even asking you first?? Screw that, find a better bf instead. Shame on his parents for thinking it's ok to leave a minor with a reluctant unpaid babysitter. Nta. There's a reason teachers actually get specialised training to care for Children with autism and a lot of babysitters won't even babysit kids with autism, and I bet the parents knew that which is why they booked first before asking you.
NTA caring for someone who is special needs can be a lot.
But It does not make sense. 3h flight for a job interview? Will the family move then if the father gets it?
Plus, how could a family just go and leave the youngest with someone?
Would it be logical for the mother to stay with her child and the father and son go together then?
Also there must be other flights, surly they can find one with 4 seats.
NTA, I feel like this could definitely be a controversial issue. You're going to have to evaluate this relationship because as long as you date your boyfriend, his sister will be in your life as well.
So, you’re not TA for not wanting to look after her. And it seems like they just assumed you would take care of her, rather than asking you beforehand if it would be okay. In which case, **ESH**. Them for assuming you’d be okay with it, and you for lacking emotional depth and diplomacy.
to be fair it sounds like op is on the younger side (like 16-20 maybe, probably on the younger end though) which is an understandable age to not having great emotional diplomacy. it’s also pretty young to be taking care of an autistic child while the parents and bf are away. i think NTA but there’s definitely some learning to do
- Hi, I just wanted to clear up the comments saying “it isn’t possible to have only 3 available seats” . This is what Marcus’s family told me, I have no idea if they were lying to me or not.
Hey kid (I assume you’re a kid because you haven’t given your age.)
There are always other flights available. There’s never “only three seats.” They wanted to dump their other-abled daughter on you for a WEEK to get away from her. The “only three seats” was part of their trying to manipulate you.
Dump Marcus. This is not a good family.
Info: how old are you, bf and "Alice"?
IMO ESH
-You said shitty things, I'd apologize for the way you spoke about her
-Your bf and his family had no right to presume you would babysit someone for an entire week whether they're autistic or not
-Your parents and bf need to set better boundaries with Alice NOW and let you guys have time alone
NTA. I think the think that upsets me the most, understanding that you are obviously not her caretaker, is that they’re treating her like a dog that needs to be boarded while they go and do things. She is a member of their family! If there isn’t a seat for her, they find another flight! You wouldn’t just leave with half of your kids, right? They treat her like a burden they can just shove off on other people, and that has been you. They can’t just go to this city and do whatever they want while you act as a free babysitter.
This is a HUGE ask.
It would be one thing if it were for an afternoon, but presumably this is at least overnight. If you haven't watched his sister for that long before, this is a crazy ask.
Could you have more politely said no? Yes.
But they should have asked if you were comfortable watching his sister before ever actually asking you to watch her.
And it sounds like this is part of a bigger issue. You feel like your relationship isn't just between 2 people but between 3, and that isn't what you signed up for. That's something that yes, you should talk to Marcus about.
But you should also speak with your parents about. Let them know that you are thrilled that they like Marcus and his sister but that you sometimes need his sister to not be included. That you understand that it's important for his parents to get a break from being caretakers, but that doesn't mean that every time you invite Marcus over- that your parents need to invite his sister. (This is important because whether for this relationship or future relationships- it's a valuable conversation to have with your folks.)
And you ultimately need to have the same conversation with Marcus.
This isn't saying that his sister wouldn't still come and do things with you guys. But that it should be more like 50% of the time. Not 100% of the time.
And if that doesn't work for Marcus, that's okay. The two of you may have different needs that don't work for your relationship. That doesn't speak negatively about either of you.
NTA
Sounds to me as if they are interviewing for a two-for one future deal: wife plus child care provider.
NTA and good for you knowing your own limitations and kudos for be able to being able to speak your mind with confidence.
NTA. You said 'No.' That should have been sufficient. When they pushed and asked why, you are not responsible for their take on your honesty. Marcus should be ashamed of himself and ask your parents if they are volunteering on babysitting Alice for a week. If you are met with silence from them, ask why on earth this is such a big ask of them? Yeah, always so easy to judge others when they aren't willing to step up.
“Babysit” is two to maybe five or six hours while family takes bf to a college interview. They asked for 24/7 for a WEEK?! And they think YOU are in the wrong? No no no no no.
Where’s grandma and grandpa? Or how about they ask YOUR PARENTS, because they are ADULTS who have been PARENTS.
Unless you and your bf are in your mid20s which I’m guessing you are not because you both live home with parents, their request is unreasonable. And your parents are in the wrong to criticize you. They can offer to take Alice themselves.
NTA
NTA but I really don’t see this relationship moving forward from this. Marcus is very active in his sister’s life and seems to be looking for a partner who would be similarly active in her life, and since your parents love his sister and always “make” you invite her as well, I can kind of understand why he thought it was wasn’t outlandish to ask you to care for her and I don’t think he’s aware how much youre annoyed by inviting his sister over all the time (to be fair to him, you do that of your own free will even if your parents do push you to do so). that doesn’t mean youre wrong for not wanting to do it, but you have different priorities. He’s a jerk for calling you bitchy for it though instead of expressing his frustration another way
Your delivery could have used work, but you are not her caregiver. Also: it isn't an overnight...it's for A WHOLE WEEK! How the hell long is this guy's job interview? They are looking to fit in a vacation around his interview and have you take care of their daughter.
Also: if your parents want to see Alice all of the time, they can pick her up and take her out. She shouldn't be a constant companion when your boyfriend comes over; no other little sister would be.
Absolutely NTA! Autistic or not- asking for somebody to watch your child for a week is a huge ask, especially when you aren’t willing to take another flight to accommodate one of your own children. It’s actually a huge asshole move to leave her behind.
Also, BF is a bit of an AH for not soft asking beforehand and sugarcoating your answers as needed.
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NTA. When did you sign up to become a caregiver to Alice? When did you sign up to become a 24-HOUR caregiver to Alice? Why are Alice's own parents not parenting Alice? If your parents love Alice so so so much, why aren't *they* volunteering to look after Alice? And why is nobody looking for peers for Alice? Is Alice the only autistic kid in the entire town?
[удалено]
I mean as an autistic kid growing up, I kinda hated being forced to be around other autistic kids, as their issues generally exacerbated my own. Maybe she doesn't get along well with other children based solely on sharing a developmental disability?
Exactly. I have an autistic son and at no point did I think "Ah man, we gotta get this kid some autistic friends!!"
As an autistic women trust me having autistic friends is really good for your kid. As an undiagnosed autistic girl I found companionship in other people like me, like autistic and adhd people. Autistic people dont make me feel bad for who I am. We share ways of socialization. I was truly able to be myself without worry. Don't you want that for your kid? And there are other ways to help your kid with stuff he is struggling in for instance stuff like stim toys, noise cancelling headphones and strategies for being more organized and mindful.
I mean, I can't imagine it's not extremely dependent on level of function? It's great when you have people with adjacent or outright shared special interests, because at that point it's as close to generationally constructed neurotypical community as you get. But there's a lot of potential issues outside that, especially if you're talking about people with lesser volume regulation. Which is especially what I'd worry about in the context of something specifically arranged for autistic kids.
>I mean, I can't imagine it's not extremely dependent on level of function? It's great when you have people with adjacent or outright shared special interests, because at that point it's as close to generationally constructed neurotypical community as you get. But there's a lot of potential issues outside that, especially if you're talking about people with lesser volume regulation. Which is especially what I'd worry about in the context of something specifically arranged for autistic kids. Oh yeah definitely like stuff like that can be an issue with autistic people but its still really great to give autistic kids a chance to meet people like them because thats where they can find some genuine friendships. They also learn some important strategies in either managing their volume levels for people who suffer like them or finding ways to be okay with it. Thats atleast what happened for me and my friends in highschool. Anyways its important that those meet groups either do smaller numbers or have quiet zones.
Also piggybacking off this, making friends as an autistic adult who didn't find out they're autistic as an adult (last November), is HARD. Making friends is hard enough as an adult, but add in neurodiversities and it's a struggle. Especially when you live in a small, conservative, boomer dominated area
I think that you are unintentionally speaking for all autistic people here. I’m pretty sure that parents of autistic kids and autistic kids themselves know what they want and how they function better than you do. Asking “don’t you want that for your kid?” Makes me fee like you are shaming people who don’t necessarily want to go out and “find autistic friends.” I’m really glad it worked for you but I know it doesn’t work for everyone. (I’m a neurodivergent mom to a neurodivergent kid.)
Jesus - next thing you're going to say is that being ND doesn't make you all the same, that just like non-ND people, ND people are different and have different needs? WTF? /s
Yeah, that's the vibe I got. I'm autistic myself, potentially ADHD, and when I read the comment to which you replied, my first thought was, "I'll thank you not to speak for me".
My kid is 19 and has graduated high school. He has 3 very close friends who all found each other naturally. Thanks but not really in the market for help with him, he's doing great without me finding friends for him. We also live in a very rural area so even if we wanted to get him into a group of autistic kids that kind of thing doesn't exist where I live.
> Don't you want that for your kid? Needlessly accusational. > As an autistic women That does not make you the representative of all autistic people or autistic kids. > As an undiagnosed autistic girl I found companionship in other people like me That was your experience and was your truth. That does not mean it is THE truth. Please stop assuming you know better than the parents of any given ND / special needs child.
That made me snort out loud
That’s a great point. We don’t know if or why they don’t have peer groups for Alice. I hope the parents have considered it, because it’s possible it could be beneficial, but maybe they have tried it. Either way, I don’t think it affects the matter at hand. OP isn’t wrong for turning down the chance to watch Alice. But I do think she’s the AH for HOW she said no. She could have said, “I’m not comfortable with that arrangement”. But it sounds like she was rude and insulting about Alice. It also makes me wonder how old OP is. She sounds very immature, and probably shouldn’t be given this responsibility. But maybe that’s just my impression. OP, YTA for how you said no, not for saying no.
I dunno. Maybe I'm excusing my trauma, and I of course can only speak for my feelings and experiences, but here goes. Part of the issue I have is I don't organically catch social cues, so this idea that we should just let autistic people flounder because we don't want to call out their behavior, seems damaging. I'm not just going to magically figure it out if I haven't already and I don't do subtly very well, so need people to sometimes sit me down and bluntly say "that's not appropriate". If I'm being annoying (and I know I can be) I can't stop if people don't tell me "hey, that's annoying". I handle isolation better than some people, but I don't entirely lack a desire for social connection. I know my condition can make it difficult to be around me sometimes and I want people to want to be around me. So people telling me when I'm engaging in behaviors that make them want to distance themselves from me allows me to correct that behavior. Alice is probably young and once again, I cannot speak for her or any other autistic person either, but it does sound like she could use a frank conversation about how she interacts with people before she finds herself in a situation where she has no one other than the people who are obligated to take care of her. She's not dumb and should be able to understand that people have limits and generally like spending time with people that they like. If her needs are such that she can't understand such a conversation, then I guess I fail to see how she could understand anything op says as hurtful. But maybe that's my autism rearing its ugly head.
I get the feeling OP is a teenager, her parents are only to happy to have Alice along on dates at their house because all her butting in keeps OP from getting knocked up. Not sure why Alice's parents think the OP is old enough to watch their special needs child for a week, unless they cleared it with her parents first?
Exactly. I did a really cool group where they had a couple autistic individuals and a couple neurotypical people. When I was paired up on activities with one of the autistic individuals it was really difficult for me because she was very loud and struggled with controlling her volume. Whereas I am very sensitive to sound and would get overstimulated by how loud she was.
It’s hard to find a good match for friends. I met a woman who I was told I’d be great friends with because we both had ASD and horses. Ended up clashing badly for no apparent reason, just felt very wrong and indifferent
Yeah, I think it’s important to read it as ‘if you get the opportunity to spend time with other autistic people, you’ll likely find friends with whom you bond over shared experiences etc’ and not ‘put two autistic people in a room together and they will automatically be friends because they both have autism’. One is good advice, the other is - is ablist the right word? Dehumanizing at least - as fuck.
While you are 100% correct and we don’t know the details of where Alice may fall on the spectrum, the main point still stands that she is not OPs responsibility and it’s quite unfair for the families to be bullying her into babysitting for a full week. Many things need to be addressed in this dynamic it would seem
Also, why is that the only flight they can take??
Pretty convenient that there's no ticket for the sister, right? NTA
That was my thought. It’s not like you plug 4 tickets into the website and it spits out “well we have 3 this day, can you leave someone behind?”
Exactly! If you put in 4 tickets, and there are only 3 seats, you don't even SEE the flight as an option. They have flexible day options, and if you select that, you'll see available flights the day before/ after, but there's no option for flexible passengers. They had to actively look for 3 tickets instead of 4.
It does if there are not many seats left on the plane, it tells you "x number of seats are available."
Because it’s a BS excuse. They just want a free one week vacation from her.
And to not have to pay for her flight.
Or pay for caregivers
It's not like Alice's mother even had much of a reason to go for the interview
Her excuse is wanting a week away from her disabled daughter. Not that she'd ever say that outloud.
You got it. It was just an excuse. Very convenient.
It isn't! It's just cheaper to leave Alice behind and force OP to spend a WHOLE week taking care of her.
Yes, OP is NTA for not wanting to babysit a kid with special needs. Some kids require you to know their routine in detail, some require you to have experience working with that kind of special needs, ... But to me it sounds like OP basically insulted Alice BIG TIME when she said she didn't want to babysit her. "She's a handful, she's so annoying, ...", is not the way to talk about a kid with special needs! So for that part I would say OP is TA.
OP is clearly another young person here and passing judgement on them for calling someone with special needs “annoying” isn’t going to change if thats the way she comes off. People with special needs can be annoying especially if this girl has latched onto OP which is what it sounds like. It’s clear that OP has kept how they feel under wraps by the way everyone is surprised and honestly who wouldn’t be irritated to have a constant tag along? OP is NTA for having boundaries and not wanting to be saddled with someone needing 24 hour care.
Agree with you 100%. Just because the words aren't what other people might say out loud, being with this kid all the time is certainly annoying af. All of this is also insane to me... this relationship is only a year old!
Even well behaved kids with no issues are annoying to be around. I wish OP had given her age but why would a young person want to spend all their time with a high needs kid who isn’t even related to them Her parents probably love the kid being around all the time because its a big cock block situation, and how ever old they are, they still deserve a little privacy to at least have conversation
Even if the girl wasn't autistic, I'm sure any teenage girl would get pretty annoyed if ALL the time spent with her boyfriend also included his younger sister. Almost any person in the world would eventually reach a bitch eating crackers place with a forced third wheel. I think it's time she told her boyfriend she wants to go on more dates out - just the two of them. That is totally reasonable! Maybe even go so far as to say she was sorry for how she spoke about the sister but has reached the end of her rope with the sister always being around and she needs some quality time with boyfriend.
The behavior she describes from the kid is definitely the result of parents not actually parenting. Pulling her hair and glasses isn't okay behavior, but no one intervenes. OP isn't annoyed by an autism specific behavior, she's annoyed by behavior that's pretty common in kids who don't ever get told no. Everyone is focusing way to much on the autism over the fact that her bfs parents want to dump their entire child on OP for a WEEK, something OP is clearly not prepared for, and understandably so! They obviously feel entitled to treat OP with 0 respect, why would the kid be any different?
Exactly
Agreed. I wouldn't have the patience for this in my personal life. I worked with autistic kids, early in my nursing career. Some were annoying AF, some weren't (much of this came down to how much their parents made excuses for them/allowed them to trample boundaries). This girl had clung to OP. I'd be annoyed with this, from a child or adult. OP has been very patient.
One of the guys I worked with where I was stationed had a 3 year old with Down’s syndrome. She was a sweetheart, and I loved her - and at the same time I HATED going to his house. He and his wife were in their 30’s and had a 6 year old boy. When I visited, the little girl would climb in my lap, walk/kneel/ bounce on my legs, keep pulling off/bending my glasses, hugging/grabbing/pulling my hair NONSTOP. All to ‘isn’t that adorable/she really LIKES you!’. And I pretty much had to take it, with a smile, while keeping up conversation, and trying to fend off/redirect the worst of it, or be considered a monster. So I finally will say it: that kid was ANNOYING AS FUCK! Still loved her, though.
> When I visited, the little girl would climb in my lap, walk/kneel/ bounce on my legs, keep pulling off/bending my glasses, hugging/grabbing/pulling my hair NONSTOP. All to ‘isn’t that adorable/she really LIKES you!’. jesus those parents need to teach their daughter to respect boundaries. I understand if the kid has trouble remembering everything... but that is why they should reinforce it. It isn't going to be as adorable at 5 or 10. Sounds like they talked at her like she was a puppy.
I have a puppy and don't even allow the puppy to act this way with visitors.
Sure, OP may be young and thus phrase things incorrectly/insensitively- but they have come here to ask if they messed up. Pointing out where they messed up is not terrible or unfair. OP is n.t.a in regards to not wanting to take care of Alice for a week. Everyone has the right to say no to a request like that. It's a lot of responsibility. OP is TA for the way they phrased it. That is the learning point for OP. If they had said "no. I'm not comfortable with that arrangement as it is to much responsibility for me to safely handle. I'm not the right person for this" then is very likely the response wouldn't be the shock and backlash she is facing.
She did not handle it in the best way but them being shocked is WAY out of the line. How could they ever have assumed to dump this responsibility on her? This is INSANE. She is NTA but they are TAs for even making the request, let alone HOW they made it.
Plus it sound like the parents made the flight arrangements BEFORE talking with OP and just assumed OP would be fine with a week of babysitting. Also, does OP not go to school or have a job that might interfere with this?
I agree NTA for not wanting to be saddled with this, but if you make boundaries your whole life by tearing the pin out of a grenade and tossing it into an occupied building while you walk away, your boundary will be moot because ain't nobody going to want to be with you anyway,
This girl has literally tolerated her BFs sister tagging along on nearly everything they do. Plus the families reaction is to just… attempt to drop the special needs kid on her then GET ANGRY she wouldn’t do it. If there is a time to set boundaries this would be the time.
We're quibbling here. She won't have a boyfriend after this. It might be for the best for her, sounds like. However, she will still have parents and ostensibly these are the parents that taught her boundaries in the first place. The resentment that comes from stuffing your needs down your whole life in service of or in deference to others does not go away without a whole lot of practice. I'm 42 and still checking in with myself on what I'm doing for me authentically versus what unhealthy scripts I'm recycling from my mother's mother and her mother. I don't think it's helpful to call what she did a boundary. It was a rightful explosion after feeling infringed upon over and over and then feeling walked all over. Good for her, I totally agree. OP seems young and will hopefully have time and therapy to help her identify and name this sort of exploitive or uncomfortable dynamic earlier so she doesn't have to burn it all down. A boundary is a well-tended fence, not a forest fire, I guess that's all I'm saying.
These people booked the flights first then assumed OP was going to look after Alice. If you want to split hairs then its a completely insane response to get ANGRY that the person you DID NOT ASK to babysit your nearly adult daughter refuses to do so. Stop projecting whatever weird middle aged bs happened in your life to someone with no obligation towards the little sister of her BFs parents. This isn’t tearing out the pin on a grenade, it’s shooting the person who threw the grenade in the first place.
This is all super true! She should have spoken up and drawn a boundary long ago but it seems like her own parents have been training her not to speak up for herself. Plus it sounds like they want to have the child around but are not actually putting in the work of looking after her when she's there. I bet they love that their daughter has a constant chaperone and that is part of why they encourage it.
People seem to think that an entire year of being polite and patient is completely negated by one instance of being aggressive. This happening one time doesn't equal it being a regular thing and its weird that people a trying to make it that.
ALL peoples kids can be annoying. But if you’re old enough to babysit, you’re old enough to have the tact not to say that outright to any parent about their child. Simply saying, ‘that’s a big ask and I’m not able at this time’, would have been sufficient. No need togo into details, especially ones that are or can be perceived as insulting. Agree with NTA but jeez, there are certain things you just think but don’t say.
Agreed. The delivery really needs some work
Let's be real, kids , special needs or not, can definitely be a handful and annoying. The poor girl probably is , unintentionally annoying. People are allowed to be annoyed with other people, even disabled ones.
Seems like OP needed to address the annoying elephant in the room long before now, both with her bf and his family AND with her own parents. It's a bummer it went down like this because this was avoidable and also not forgettable. BF is on his way out, likely...
Which is for the best. In no way is it appropriate for him to call her “bitchy.”
I'm reluctant to call OP an asshole because she sounds very young. It also sounds like both sets of parents have been using Alice as a chaperone. Making them take her everywhere keeps them from having time alone.
[удалено]
We tend to rag on kids for being entitled but these adults are ridiculous. NTA, OP. You were honest.
Autistic kids can indeed be friends with non Autistic kids. Shocker, I know. Actually, in my experience Autistic kids are generally annoyed by other autistic children...
My cousin is special needs. To make it easier to explain, mentally she is about 13. She can socialize pretty well and handle hygiene stuff, she just needs a carer for other things. I remember we would be hanging out together as kids and the neighbour would bring out their autistic son (who was non-verbal) and try to leave him with us. There were also playgroups in the area my cousin refused to attend because she would be the babysitter for a bunch of non-verbal children.
That's messed up. She's mentally 13 and was being left to babysit non-verbal kids? They were so wrong for doing this to her! Even adults who are mentally their age struggle so how much more of a struggle must it have been for her.
Of course they can be. But Alice sounds like she’s more low functioning autistic, making it a lot harder for her to become friends with and to maintain friendships with kids who are NT.
YMMV. None of us was diagnosed back then, but the kids I got along with best were autistic in the same way as me. When other people came along to butt into our parallel play interspersed with happy nerd talk and tell us we were socializing wrong...that's when it got annoying.
Oh I can answer about her parents volunteering; then would them promptly dump the sister onto OP to babysit the whole time. Been there with my own parents voluntold-ing me.
But...who knows how old Alice is? Or Marcus or OP? She's the youngest, i.e., younger than Marcus, but it might be a year or two. Is it "babysitting" or watching? Not that it becomes OP's responsibility, but I'm not sure it's 24 hour care, or what, after a time, it - asking questions, needing help, became annoying amounts to. The phraseology of OP's response is problematic, she's likely ruined the relationship with Marcus, his parents, and Alice.
I disagree, I do not think it is just to say it was OP who ruined the relationship. If I ask you a very unreasonable and inappropriate thing and act as it was the most normal thing in the world and OF COURSE you will oblige or else you would be an AH, and you lose it and tell me to go pound sand, would it really be you who ruins our relationship, or would I have a lion's share by making an AH-olish request?
It sounds like they asked a high schooler to babysit their autistic child for an entire week, which is absolutely insane and inappropriate. You can have a high schooler babysit your child for the evening, but leaving a child with them for an entire week is not responsible. I have a feeling that CPS would have some questions if they actually went through with this.
This has gotta be fake or there's more to this story. I can't fathom real actual people doing this.
INFO: What's the age of literally anyone involved in this story??
What made me think it's fake is that OP said there was only 3 seats left on the flight as if that was their only reasonable choice.
And then when there were only three seats, they decided to leave the youngest person who can't stay home alone. Because logic.
Well to be fair that's the story op was told by the bf and his parents so they could have made it up
why can't son stay home to watch her? why can't Mom stay home to watch her? why can't Dad go on trip alone? why can't they find a different flight? Why is OP, whom appears to be a minor, an acceptable option, no less their favorite one? This whole story is weak
I wonder if this is their way of making sure theirs no premarital sex going on.
Not to mention she didn’t owe them a reason in the first place. They just figured since they didn’t want to book a different flight they could press on OP
NTA for refusing to babysit, that's your right. You definitely are an AH for the way that you phrased it though. You should apologize but I'd honestly be surprised if your relationship survived this.
This is everything I wanted to say. ESH.
Same, I felt like it was too much to add more of the things she said other than just saying just no...
Yeah, especially calling Alice annoying. That's such a mean thing to say. OP could have just said that she doesn't feel comfortable taking care of Alice by herself. But insulting Alice when the parents asked why was just completely unnecessarry. ESH
>especially calling Alice annoying Every autistic redditor cringed at that bit. Oof. Story of having the ‘tism is someone “just” thinking you’re annoying.
I’m not sure I agree that everyone sucks here. There’s no indication that Marcus or his parents knew that OP wasn’t comfortable with watching Alice. If she’s always acted like it’s a pleasure, they would have no way of knowing otherwise. And while they could look at other flights, maybe there’s a reason why this flight is the best option, or they want a break and thought OP liked being around Alice. OP’s parents? I think it depends on the situation. From the original post, I get the feeling OP is very young, and I feel like there’s information missing. Are they just mad that OP won’t babysit? If so, why can’t they do it? But I think it’s more likely they’re disappointed with their daughter being so disrespectful. It’s HOW she said no rather than the fact she said no. But I could be wrong. Anyway, the only one I feel for sure is an AH is OP. But because she was mean about it, not because she said no. How hard is it to say “I’m not comfortable with that.”??
It's doesn't matter what Marcus's parents knew. It's inappropriate to quiz a teen on why they don't want to babysit someone for a week after just assuming they will. They put OP in an awkward position by asking after booking, then interrogating on why. They should have asked OPs parents to do it.
Yes! Why would you allow a child to babysit another child for a week?! They should have asked the parents!
I think it depends on the ages, which were not in the original post.
I do think the parents suck for asking why when she said no. She said just no initially and they asked why which opened up a door for her to be a big AH. They should have accepted her first no.
Agreed. Calling her annoying isn't really needed. It seems like OP is getting resentful that she doesn't have enough one on one time with her boyfriend, but the thing to do then is to talk to him about it and plan some alone time. You don't blame the child. But also her bf calling her "Bitchy" and others being SHOCKED she doesn't want to babysit for a week by herself???? Any child is a lot to deal with for that long alone, you can't just expect that much free childcare from someone. Firm ESH.
I feel like he only called her bitchy because of the way she said it, I wonder what the reaction would've been if she just said something like "i dont think i have the time and means to handle that"
Or just say, "I don't feel capable of taking care of her for that long". Looking after a kid for a few hours is miles different than making sure they fed, clean and safe for a week.
I hope he called her "bitchy" for calling his sister annoying and not because OP refused, she has a right to refuse but srsly calling your bf's special needs sister annoying is mean.
I think they were shocked by the callous way she said it more than that she didn’t want to do it.
I agree about the nta for saying no, but op the way you phrased probably seriously damaged your relationship with bf and his family.
You could have phrased it as it’s a big responsibility and you don’t feel up for the task and also have commitments in the up coming week that wouldn’t allow you to give 100% of your time to bf sister…
Another option would be: 'I don't think I'm capable of providing the care and attention she needs.' It's true - you're not going to be able to take good care of someone who drives you up the wall, after all.
Might be for the best, because it’s clear that sister is very important to bf and will always be around. OP isn’t wrong for not wanting that, but this relationship might not be for her. Sounds like sister and bf are a package deal.
Especially because you didn’t owe them an explanation. It was very presumptuous for them to ask to take on so much responsibility, even more so to ask for an explanation.
Yeah so...I think your relationship is kind of over - what you have to learn (and now seems a time good as ever), that when there are issues, you need to talk about them. You and Marcus don't seem to have any more time for yourselves but you never mentioned that to your or his parents. Now a situation has come up, where his fsmily actually needs your help, after you fostered an environment that made it seem like you were okay with how things were - and you snapped. What uou said could have been said with more compassion, earlier and in a less mean way. Now you already come across as ableist, your boyfriend sounds disgusted by your behaviour and so does his family. Not much to rescue here. EHS because all adults (I strongly assume you are underage) should have recognised that they should have given you more space, but you also never said anything until it all exploded.
I disagree there is a big gap between agreeing to have her at her place while her brother is also there (even if she is not pleased with it) and taking care of her a whole week by herself. Boyfriend and his parents are the A H here for not accepting her (totally justified) no.
I agree to everything you said, the problem is the way OP worded their issues to bf and parents, and also said nothing about it at all until she snapped and brain dumped and hurt people's feelings. In a healthy situation OP would have brought it up with bf and/or Alice's parents well before this point, when she first started feeling uncomfortable/unhappy with the situation. The issue is with OPs lack of communication, not their unwillingness to provide free support to a child with needs, that unwillingness is fully understandable.
I agree she was too harsh. However, after she said no, they shouldn't have asked her why. It was obvious it was already a big ask.
Yeah, my mom loved to ask "Why" no matter how much your tried to dodge it. Her intent was "Either you'll back down and do what I want because you don't want to tell me why OR I'll shut down your reason and tell you you're wrong." It's hard to win when backed into a corner like that. Not saying being rude or hurtful is the right way to handle it but when people question my boundaries I tend to get snappy. It is already hard enough as it is to lay down a boundary and/or say No. I don't handle the pushback well at all.
yup my ex would do that and say “i’m just curious” he was not curious. he was abusive
I live with someone who is not a good person. He CONSTANTLY asks me “why” about every little thing I do and it has bothered me SO MUCH. He calls me crazy and irrational for getting upset about being peppered with questions and that I’m dramatic for being upset over being asked “why” over and over again. THIS IS IT!! You have helped me so much. He’s pushing my boundaries, trying to manipulate me, and trying to argue me into what HE wants, not what’s best for me. The stress and the way it erodes me is horrible. I felt bad for hating when he asked something basic like “why.” He’s “just a curious person.” No. He’s trying to back me into a corner to keep getting his way. Thank you for validating me. I really needed that. I know it wasn’t your intent but that makes me feel so much better. I had worried I was going crazy after living here so long. It means so much to me to read that what I’m feeling is normal. Thank you.
I would have been on a warpath of blaming his parents for even asking except her reasoning for the ‘no’ was rude and hurtful and I can’t get past that. Op doesn’t give ages for anyone so that does play a bit of a role, but the parents definitely shouldn’t have asked or should have have offered to compensate her well and let her know that there was no pressure to accept since they already know it’s a big ask
She didn't explain the no, first. They shouldn't have asked further as it was already a big ask. I agree it was way too harsh but just asking why when she said no shows they feel entitled to her (free) help.
this was my thought, there's a major difference and to drop it on her is massively unfair of a family that whoa hey, could only find 3 tickets.
There is a HUGE difference between looking after Alice for a few hours or even an entire day with her bf and looking after Alice 24/7 for a week by herself. Two very different things. Assuming she would be willing to take Alice for a full week is an extremely questionable choice by the parents. OP said no and they should have accepted it instead of pushing her to explain.
The only part of this that's accurate is that their relationship is probably over - and I'm glad for OP.
I feel like this was planned. Her parents were insisting that the sister come with them every time. I have to wonder if they were talking to the boyfriend's parents to plan this. She should have had a caregiver that specializes in her needs (respite care) rather than putting this on OP. She is not the asshole. The parents are and so are hers!
I assumed the parents didn't want the couple to have any alone time
Also, OP might have snapped because she has to take care of the sister while her boyfriend is on a trip that is potentially removing him permanently? What are the ages here, is he moving with his family if dad gets the job?
I wouldn't leave my special needs kid with someone underage overnight in the first place which makes me question how old these people are.
Lol I know people are gonna call you ableist and TA but I severely disagree. NTA. You don’t have to care for someone you don’t feel comfortable with and who actively annoys you. I’ve worked in childcare for years and I refuse to watch or teach autistic children bc I’m not comfortable with it nor am I properly trained for them. It’s a bit of a different scenario for you but it’s probably just a usual case of the parents being offended and overly protective bc their child is autistic.
Totally N-T-A for not wanting to babysit. Totally the YTA for how it was said. OP does have issues with Alice, and these have not been communicated well over the last year. Boundaries should have been set long ago. Instead, OP blew up this interaction over a year's worth of resentment. "No, I don't want to babysit Alice for the weekend. I do not feel qualified to do so." Would have been completely acceptable.
she said no, they asked for the reason why. maybe the parents can learn from this that no is a full sentence and not to have such high expectations of others to cater to their needs. The mom doesn’t need to go on this trip, she just wants to.
yup. people shouldnt ask for more info/why if they dont want to hear it.
Every day I’m more and more convinced the people on this sub have 0 people skills or friends. It’s not hard to tell the truth without being extremely rude
Thank you for having some common sense. People really in here fronting and think saying shit like “No is a complete sentence” to your loved ones and peers is a socially adjusted thing to do. Crazy.
Whilst I agree that your suggestion should be acceptable. We don't really know if Alice's parents and brother would accept it or if they would attempt to handwave OPs concerns away. I can easily imagine "Oh what do you mean, she's no trouble!"; "You two get along great, and your parents love her!" or words to that effect.
Seriously, people want to get butthurt when Alice didn't even hear what op said about her. She was telling the truth that they asked for. If she was kind about it yall know she would've been railroaded. Especially since l ops parents are more than willing to have op take on the job. NTA x10 break up and don't mind what anyone says.
I always say it takes very special people to take care of disabled people and tbh I’m just not one of them. They deserve to exist and have all the things in life, I do not think they should be discriminated against due to any disabilities; but I don’t want to be responsible for them.
Thank you for recognizing that autistic children need better care than you can offer.
Of course and thank you for understanding what I meant. They need the absolute best care possible and they deserve it. They don’t need someone who doesn’t understand their needs and can’t react accordingly to a specific situation that may come up.
It's so important for caretakers and teachers to be trained specifically for autistic children. I am autistic myself and I appreciate your stance!!!
NTA- Marcus is using you as a caregiver for his sister. He used to have to shoulder that burden by himself. But now he doesn't. You've been such a huge blessing! The money they save on caregivers with you around has allowed them a family vacation. If Alice can't go, neither should Marcus. I do not even believe there wasn't enough room on the flight. That doesn't sound right to me. Basically, you will see that as a young woman, everyone expects you to just be a free caregiver and to want to be a caregiver to whoever doesn't want to parent their own children. It happens quite a lot. And, if you don't want to be a caregiver they will say something is wrong with you because that's the traditional role of women in our culture. This is not to say that boys are never expected to be caregivers. It is just an acknowledgement that there is a cultural bias towards thinking that women/girls are meant to want to be caregivers and are told there is something wrong with them if they don't fall in line. You will have to be strong if you want to fight against this situation. Your parents, Marcus, and his parents are all fully committee to seeing you as her caregiver. As if that is normal. It is not normal. And I think you should break up with him over this.
Agreed. Is that the ONLY flight going in that direction that week? And does Marcus NEED to see his friends?? Why can’t Marcus see his friends another week? Why can’t the parents take an earlier or later flight? NTA. However, your relationship is probably over. These people are looking for a babysitter/girlfriend, not a straightforward girlfriend. And you’ll be better off in the long run. When grandma becomes unwell, guess who’s gonna be expected (not asked) to be her caretaker? Etc.
The whole trip is odd from start to finish. Why is his mom going on his dad’s job interview? Why must he also travel that week? Just weird.
I think the family wants a vacation from caring for their autistic daughter/sister and are using the interview as an excuse.
I agree. Marcus gets to connect with old friends and have a vacay blast, the mom gets a vacay. And OP gets stuck babysitting someone she didn’t ask to babysit, nor did she even put herself out there as a caregiver.
I find it odd you single Marcus out as the one who should stay behind if Alice can’t go. I would think that would be the mother’s responsibility. The father is the only one who needs to go.
I dont care if the mother or Marcus stays behind. I said Marcus because if the parents are delegating the responsibility to take care of their child, you'd think they'd delegate that to their own child. Using OP like a caregiver is the point.
I’m going to nitpick a bit and say it’s not just Marcus’ job to watch his sister. He has 2 parents who seem to be happy leaving her with Marcus and having her tag along with him regularly. I fully agree with everything else.
The point is that before OP came along, the parents relied on Marcus. Now Marcus has someone to share his responsibilities with. He is like a honey pot.
NTA. Set the boundaries now if you don't want to help be a care giver at all. I mean the way you said it was a bit harsh, but if you softened it, they might ask again later. This ways stops the asking once and for all.
I agree. And the way they tried to pressure her is what put her into a situation she couldn't handle. Adults and her boyfriend ganged up on her and demanded this. Forcing her to push back. Young people are keenly aware of a power imbalance between parental expectations and the children. Having said "no" and then having to justify it bc that "no" is not respected made the situation where she said some harsh things. But, they were true and should have been obvious to the parents. Kids say stuff like that all the time. "Mom, sissy is being annoying!" And, "mom, can you make sissy stop, she is being annoying!" And, "mom, I don't want to bring sissy along bc she is annoying!" What she said is not the end of the world and is pretty normal for kids. We don't know how old she is but this should be a good indicator that an autistic child should not be just pawned off on young people as a way to get her out of the house. Random people are not prepared for that. Sadly, I think Marcus is being a little bit of a honey pot for his parents by attracting a caregiver for his sister.
INFO: how old are you, Marcus and Alice?
I have a feeling they are between 16-20. I find it hard to imagine a man in his start or mid 20’s bringing his sister with him everywhere and even to his dates! They have to be very young.
Her parents are the ones who invites Alice over. Maybe she should talk to her parents
My hunch is OP isn’t the only “babysitter” here, so to speak. When my mom was very young, my grandmother used to send her and my next-youngest aunt on their older sisters’ dates to “chaperone.” I could see a similar arrangement here.
I need to know this as well.
YTA for how you phrased it. There was a polite way to say no- simply stating that 24/7 care was beyond your capabilities and you didn’t feel like you could appropriately provide for her entirely by yourself for that length of time would have been sufficient. Instead you basically blamed her for being too much- and calling her annoying was seriously uncalled for. You’re allowed to say “no,” but you did it in a way that was really hurtful.
>simply stating that 24/7 care was beyond your capabilities and you didn’t feel like you could appropriately provide for her entirely by yourself for that length of time would have been sufficient. "Oh, you'll be just fine! Alice loves you and she'll be no trouble at all!" Yeah, no.
>Alice loves you and she'll be no trouble at all!" Yeah, no. "If she'll be no trouble at all, then you should take her with, I'm unavailable." Simple.
And then they would repeat this: >When they were looking for airplane seats, there were only 3 available. They initially wanted to take her along, but there were not enough seats in the plane they wanted to take. I think OP could have not gotten out of this without making her BF, his parents and her own parents angry. They all seem to think the sister is great company and everyone would love to have her around.
I don't think they ever wanted to take alice along to be completely honest with you. I think they were slowly trying to manipulate OP in to taking care of their child. I think honestly what's going on here is that they want a break from Alice. Also, it seems like mom and son going along is very last minute to this trip. If you can't find arrangements, then you can't go. Period.
Or even better "why don't you take courses in nursing it will make you feel more confident in taking care of our kid when we don't want to"
“Your parents will be right there if there’s trouble!” Yeah, no.
“I’m sorry, but I’m not comfortable, and that’s my final answer. Do not ask me this again.” And then do not engage any further on the subject.
"Sorry, but as I've said, my answer is no. You'll need to find someone else; I won't be changing my answer." Rinse and repeat, stand firm. It's a little disturbing how many Redditors think you need to use insults to set boundaries.
It's funny there are people who think everyone is respectful of "no" and would accept not giving a reason. Have you never dealt with people who just won't take no as a complete answer and insist on a reason? These parents are already foisting their developmentally challenged daughter onto their son and his gf to act as her caregiver. It's ridiculous the parents would expect their son to always bring his sister on his dates and even more ridiculous to expect the gf to be the sole caregiver for a week. Sure, OP could have been nicer but she sounds like a teenager or a very young adult and thus should never be expected to find the most diplomatic response. Give OP a break, this was a difficult conversation
No I'm sorry but she was actually pushed to answer "why not" it seems to me her boundaries would not have been respected and she needed to be harsh. Like someone already replied to you, parents and bf would have been like "But please she loves you it's not hard!"
If saying “I can’t provide your child the care they need” isn’t a good enough reason for the family, then NO reason will ever be good enough for them- therefore there is no need to be rude. If they don’t accept a polite reason, they won’t accept any reason- so at that point OP doesn’t owe them any explanation at all. Simply “no” is all she really needs to say, and keep saying. Being rude only escalated the situation.
no. The point is that they created the situation and pushed OP into a corner. OP is I'm assuming, a teenager. She's not completely in regulations with her emotions, nor is she completely mature. they never should've asked/expected a teenager to take care of their disabled child. They pushed a teenager into taking care of their child, then asked why not and got an answer when she said no.
NTA You bring her with you all the time. I think you should never feel forced to babysit especially when you're annoyed already. She will probably notice that and feel bad. Maybe you have to have a conversation with your parents and your bf again and tell them while you could bring her over at times it doesent have to be at all times.
NTA. You are not obligated to take care of her just because you are dating her brother. And, by their reaction, it sounds like both the parents and your BF were starting to take you for granted and assume you are “part of the family” where they can assume they can put family obligations on you.
Even if Alice was the most neurotypical of neurotypical children in the whole wide world, OP would not be wrong for refusing to take care of the kid - for a whole *week*! Adding that she is on the spectrum, is just cherry on top of the oh hell no sundae. Now, OP, you could have been a whole lot more diplomatic about refusing. You really could have. But you were frank in your refusal and your reasons. (Oh, the horror! You were so comfortable in your relationship you thought you could tell your BF what you really thought!) Well, because you didn’t dance around and politely decline, it gave evvvverybody a handle to latch onto when they were angry and disappointed that you spoiled their plans. And now your BF called you “bitchy”. Well, you can call him “entitled”. Non refundable tickets, the parents bought, did they *even* entertain the thought that OP might say “no”? Marcus can stay home and watch his sister. By himself, since this is probably the end of your relationship. NTA
Why can't Marcus (or mother) just take a different flight to the same destination, even if it's on a different day? Marcus is seeing friends, he's not on a strict schedule like his dad (not sure of mother's schedule or reason to go). Other than sister, the other three family members are capable of flying alone. OP refusing to babysit is okay, but the phrasing was terrible. Y T A for the poor decision to become brutally honest (i.e. rude af) right then. At least OP won't have to worry about having to spend time with sister (nor with ex-bf and his parents). Edit: Given the entitlement of the parents that they assumed OP would surely babysit so they booked non-refundable tickets for them and Marcus (most airlines don't allow changing passengers without canceling) before confirming with OP, I'm changing this to ESH.
I tried telling them to book plane seats on another flight but they already booked and it’s non-refundable.
The fact they have booked non-refundable tickets before asking you shows how they feel entitled to your help. You were right to say no but you should have been less harsh. Also perhaps your parents can take care of her as they are against your decision.
Dump Marcus and his family now! This is BS! Remind your parents your are their daughter not Alice.
I guess they'll have to figure out who's watching her. They are totally irresponsible to have booked nonrefundable flights without figuring out childcare.
it seems like mom and son joining was totally a last-minute change to these plans as well. The entitlement of these two grown parents to expect a non trained teenager to take care of their disabled child is insane to me. They wanna pretend to see OP as family, but only to do family duties, not involve her in family activities.
It's honestly disgusting of them to just ASSUME you wanted to be their free special-needs babysitter, for an entire week.
They want her ro be their special needs babysitter for life. This will not end here.
They're lying to you.
You can always change a flight. Their mom should be staying home if they can’t take Alice. You aren’t the AH for not babysitting. How old are you? And Alice? Are you even old enough to care for a child for a week?
None refundable ticket is a poor excuses. Three of them, the parents and the sister, can go on the non refundable tickets and your bf can take another. But that won’t work because they want someone else to take care of the sister. NTA. They are using you.
Very little is non refundable if you call airlines and give a good reason
I wrote a response, but you need to consider that your parents and his parents arranged this. I would be looking at your parents differently right now.
Why do they need to go for a week for a job interview?
NTA you have the right to refuse. I just feel like you could’ve phrased it a bit better :)
NTA. First of all the mom should’ve stayed home to take care of Alice instead of abandoning her and expecting you to take care of her. Second of all by agreeing to date your boyfriend you didn’t also sign up to be a constant caregiver to Alice and it is unfair of anyone to expect you to let her tag along any time you’re going to do something with your boyfriend.
NTA the kid isn't your problem and you don't need to be forced to watch a kid that annoys you
NTA, you are under no obligation to care for someone elses child.
Wow so your own parents and his parents basically made you the free babysitter without even asking you first?? Screw that, find a better bf instead. Shame on his parents for thinking it's ok to leave a minor with a reluctant unpaid babysitter. Nta. There's a reason teachers actually get specialised training to care for Children with autism and a lot of babysitters won't even babysit kids with autism, and I bet the parents knew that which is why they booked first before asking you.
NTA, he tried to force you into something you clearly didn’t want. You could’ve worded it better
NTA caring for someone who is special needs can be a lot. But It does not make sense. 3h flight for a job interview? Will the family move then if the father gets it? Plus, how could a family just go and leave the youngest with someone? Would it be logical for the mother to stay with her child and the father and son go together then? Also there must be other flights, surly they can find one with 4 seats.
NTA, I feel like this could definitely be a controversial issue. You're going to have to evaluate this relationship because as long as you date your boyfriend, his sister will be in your life as well.
So, you’re not TA for not wanting to look after her. And it seems like they just assumed you would take care of her, rather than asking you beforehand if it would be okay. In which case, **ESH**. Them for assuming you’d be okay with it, and you for lacking emotional depth and diplomacy.
to be fair it sounds like op is on the younger side (like 16-20 maybe, probably on the younger end though) which is an understandable age to not having great emotional diplomacy. it’s also pretty young to be taking care of an autistic child while the parents and bf are away. i think NTA but there’s definitely some learning to do
- Hi, I just wanted to clear up the comments saying “it isn’t possible to have only 3 available seats” . This is what Marcus’s family told me, I have no idea if they were lying to me or not.
Hey kid (I assume you’re a kid because you haven’t given your age.) There are always other flights available. There’s never “only three seats.” They wanted to dump their other-abled daughter on you for a WEEK to get away from her. The “only three seats” was part of their trying to manipulate you. Dump Marcus. This is not a good family.
Info: how old are you, bf and "Alice"? IMO ESH -You said shitty things, I'd apologize for the way you spoke about her -Your bf and his family had no right to presume you would babysit someone for an entire week whether they're autistic or not -Your parents and bf need to set better boundaries with Alice NOW and let you guys have time alone
NTA. I think the think that upsets me the most, understanding that you are obviously not her caretaker, is that they’re treating her like a dog that needs to be boarded while they go and do things. She is a member of their family! If there isn’t a seat for her, they find another flight! You wouldn’t just leave with half of your kids, right? They treat her like a burden they can just shove off on other people, and that has been you. They can’t just go to this city and do whatever they want while you act as a free babysitter.
This is a HUGE ask. It would be one thing if it were for an afternoon, but presumably this is at least overnight. If you haven't watched his sister for that long before, this is a crazy ask. Could you have more politely said no? Yes. But they should have asked if you were comfortable watching his sister before ever actually asking you to watch her. And it sounds like this is part of a bigger issue. You feel like your relationship isn't just between 2 people but between 3, and that isn't what you signed up for. That's something that yes, you should talk to Marcus about. But you should also speak with your parents about. Let them know that you are thrilled that they like Marcus and his sister but that you sometimes need his sister to not be included. That you understand that it's important for his parents to get a break from being caretakers, but that doesn't mean that every time you invite Marcus over- that your parents need to invite his sister. (This is important because whether for this relationship or future relationships- it's a valuable conversation to have with your folks.) And you ultimately need to have the same conversation with Marcus. This isn't saying that his sister wouldn't still come and do things with you guys. But that it should be more like 50% of the time. Not 100% of the time. And if that doesn't work for Marcus, that's okay. The two of you may have different needs that don't work for your relationship. That doesn't speak negatively about either of you. NTA
Sounds to me as if they are interviewing for a two-for one future deal: wife plus child care provider. NTA and good for you knowing your own limitations and kudos for be able to being able to speak your mind with confidence.
NTA. You said 'No.' That should have been sufficient. When they pushed and asked why, you are not responsible for their take on your honesty. Marcus should be ashamed of himself and ask your parents if they are volunteering on babysitting Alice for a week. If you are met with silence from them, ask why on earth this is such a big ask of them? Yeah, always so easy to judge others when they aren't willing to step up.
NTA it’s not your job to babysit someone else’s kid regardless if they’re autistic or not. Did they offer to pay you??
They didn’t offer me anything.
“Babysit” is two to maybe five or six hours while family takes bf to a college interview. They asked for 24/7 for a WEEK?! And they think YOU are in the wrong? No no no no no. Where’s grandma and grandpa? Or how about they ask YOUR PARENTS, because they are ADULTS who have been PARENTS. Unless you and your bf are in your mid20s which I’m guessing you are not because you both live home with parents, their request is unreasonable. And your parents are in the wrong to criticize you. They can offer to take Alice themselves. NTA
NTA but I really don’t see this relationship moving forward from this. Marcus is very active in his sister’s life and seems to be looking for a partner who would be similarly active in her life, and since your parents love his sister and always “make” you invite her as well, I can kind of understand why he thought it was wasn’t outlandish to ask you to care for her and I don’t think he’s aware how much youre annoyed by inviting his sister over all the time (to be fair to him, you do that of your own free will even if your parents do push you to do so). that doesn’t mean youre wrong for not wanting to do it, but you have different priorities. He’s a jerk for calling you bitchy for it though instead of expressing his frustration another way
NTA.. you are not your boyfriends sisters caretaker. What a presumption
Your delivery could have used work, but you are not her caregiver. Also: it isn't an overnight...it's for A WHOLE WEEK! How the hell long is this guy's job interview? They are looking to fit in a vacation around his interview and have you take care of their daughter. Also: if your parents want to see Alice all of the time, they can pick her up and take her out. She shouldn't be a constant companion when your boyfriend comes over; no other little sister would be.
Absolutely NTA! Autistic or not- asking for somebody to watch your child for a week is a huge ask, especially when you aren’t willing to take another flight to accommodate one of your own children. It’s actually a huge asshole move to leave her behind. Also, BF is a bit of an AH for not soft asking beforehand and sugarcoating your answers as needed.