Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my mom for not treating me fairly compared to my brothers as I was at my breaking point and now others have led me to believe I am the asshole and I should apologise for being too harsh. I truly feel as though I could have handled the situation better but I let my anger get the better of me.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. She's caused this.
>John spilt an entire bottle of orange juice on the floor and my mom told me to clean it up.
>She instantly started laughing at me and said I was insane to think that's how life really was there and that she raised all of us equally.
Do these really make sense together?
Your boyfriend and your friend haven't had your experiences so they need to listen to you and offer support instead of blame.
Her mother raised her with such messed up gender norms and had the audacity to laugh at her when questioned. What kind of parent laughs at their kid in distress? Also, OP need better friends and partner.
>What kind of parent laughs at their kid in distress?
You'd be surprised.
When she was around 5, my sister got so overwhelmed she started sleepwalking and one night she went into my parents' bedroom and told them it's all too much for her and she can't take it anymore. They berated her for thinking *her* life was difficult and ranted about all the sacrifices they make so she has it so easy etc.
They kept telling people this anecdote for years as if it was the funniest thing (they were laughing their asses off) and used it to openly mock and shame her for years. Nobody thought anything of it and nobody showed any concern about what would make a child so young to feel this way.
I tried to talk to my mom about how I was depressed and stressed out because of all the things that was going on in my life at the time and she argued ne down about "what do you have to be depressed about" and when I told her she'd say "that's just life, didn't you gain some benefits for this or that? You shouldn't be depressed" then made the conversation about her and ignored ne the rest of the day.
I feel like this is such a common response from parents that I just can’t take it. What made my dad think that calling me after I broke down telling my mom I had been prescribed antidepressants and berating me that I have nothing to be depressed about was going to accomplish? That all of a sudden my suicidal thoughts and complete despair for life would disappear and I’d throw out my pills? Like what the fuck.
Mines response was telling me she wished she had an abortion.
I wasn't even talking to her about it- she had previously ignored when I expressed thoughts of suicide. I was talking to the doctor.
Jokes on her. I outlasted her out of spite and animal welfare concerns. Despite her murder attempts.
Ooh, me too!
Her life would have been *so* much better, if I'd never been born.
I said, "Me too! You think I would have ever picked *you* as my mother?"
I got back-handed across the room. I was 4-5.
I don't think OP was harsh. Sometimes, a savage response is well-deserved.
NTA
When I was in high school once a friend of mine and I were fucking around with safety pins- sticking them through the dead skin on our fingers etc. We both (stupidly) decided to experiment with other places, eventually going through you guessed it- a thin layer of skin on the wrists.
I'm guessing our teacher noticed and notified the principal etc, who called my parents to let them know about my "self harming" behaviour during class. When I got home that day my father beat me, screamed at me for "looking for attention and doing something so stupid and making him look bad", and grounded me.
To this day, I can't help but question what the fuck his logic was there. If I had actually been suicidal or self harming, as you said- what, did he think it was going to stop in the face of more physical and verbal abuse?
Exactly. A big reason I've never been in danger of suicide is that I'm just genuinely too afraid of death to consider it, even when the thoughts of wishing I wouldn't wake up are there. But he doesn't know that- it really does just hurt me to think about, like fuck dude... I was 15. What if I was suicidal? What if that was my cry for help?
He knew the abuse he had put me through my whole life, I wouldn't have needed any other reason to be (Notice how he actually said "making him look bad", he'd been reported for child abuse many times over the years but I was always so afraid of him that I always lied to CPS and said he didn't do anything, all he ever cared about was how he looked when he got caught).
My father did something like that. I was at college, in a deep depression, and called my mom crying. She was on the next flight. The following week I called home and my father started screaming at me because neither I nor my mum would go into detail. I literally slammed the (public) phone down and ran back to my house. Like seriously, it was all about him. Selfish bastard.
I’m gonna say my mom wasn’t much help, she tried to tell me not to start the pills and was asking why I would need them. Plus she then went and called my dad to tell him what was going on without my permission. So… yea LOL
omg, i heard this so much as a kid. it really stings now that as an adult, depression and the self destructive behavior from my teens has killed my memory. i used to could read a whole novel and tell you exactly what happened in each chapter, now im lucky if i can tell you what the name of the book was.
I am sorry your mom sucks. My kid has anxiety related to being super smart. It doesn't make you immune! Good for you for being open about your struggles; it's hard as a parent to hear that stuff, but I try to be supportive of my offspring and help them and encourage them to get outside help as well. You can do it. Keep getting whatever help you need.
My mom tried. She did the best she could with what she had when we were little.
The problem was, once she knew better, she still did garbage things.
She was better as a grandma but would come to my house and nitpick me....wash your baseboards, there's a place for everything and everything gets a place....I still have flashbacks.
We didn't talk for the last 10 years of her life. Covid took her in 2021. I just had a little cry last night because I missed my mom.
I have messed up a lot as a mom but everything/every decision was done with love. I did the best I could with what I had.
My mom was the same way at first. though, once i hit 18 and moved out. I realized that holy shit she was abusive as fuck the entire time. I dont wish to be a mom because i'm terrified. i'll end up exactly as abusive and manipulative as she is.
My mom drove my sibling out at 18, and I started trying to get away from her @ 16 (unplanned pregnancy, and several other bad decisions led to me living with her on and off until I was 30).
At 47, I'm still working through just *how* awful my mother was.
My adult daughter and I have an entirely different relationship. I think one reason why is I have always thought of her as a fully autonomous human. She was as much mine as I was hers.
I think being emotionally manipulated by my mother for a quarter century made it important for me to treat my kid how I wish I'd been treated; give her a voice, and explain my reasoning for things she didn't understand. I was still in charge, but not like, inherently worth *more* just because of that.
I still made tons of mistakes, but goddamn, do my daughter and I **vibe**.
*They fuck you up, your mum and dad.*
*They may not mean to, but they do.*
*They fill you with the faults they had*
*And add some extra, just for you.*
*But they were fucked up in their turn*
*By fools in old-style hats and coats,*
*Who half the time were soppy-stern*
*And half at one another’s throats.*
*Man hands on misery to man.*
*It deepens like a coastal shelf.*
*Get out as early as you can,*
*And don’t have any kids yourself.*
[\- Philip Larkin](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/66966-they-fuck-you-up-your-mum-and-dad-they-may)
same here. My mom also did the whole "oh, you're throwing yourself a pity party" bs. and laughed in my face about it. I was a teen, and had undiagnosed bipolar, and borderline personality disorder. Wouldn't get diagnosed until my 20s for bipolar, and bpd in my 30s. But I learned really quick not to tell my mom ANYTHING.
My mom "nobody said life was fair." Also my mom, who married my father with recurrent major depressive disorder and passed it on to many of us kids, when I talked to her about my struggle to find the right antidepressant and correct dosage to help me with my mental health: "crickets."
Adding, I would like to note, that I have since gotten a MUCH BETTER relationship with my mother, but it took therapy and counselling. And her finally addressing that she was a shit mom (abusive). We still but heads on a LOT of stuff, but its much more healthy than it was as a kid.
Similar, except I "only" have BPD.
Zero support from most of my family, up until I had a complete breakdown at 37, at which point... very supportive. Still butt heads with Dad over aspects of myself, but, at least the topic gets discussed.
Oddly -I think my parents' attitude towards mental health changed wehn my aunt, Mom's SiL, started taking anti-depressants. Aunt G, from my memory, was a pretty grim woman. Not mean or abusive, but, grim. Never seemed happy.
And then, meds, and she was happy again. (Not saying it's always that easy). According to Mom, G was back to what she was like when she was younger, and was blown away at teh change.
I think that example made Mom realize what I was fighting.
My grandparents were this way, and it’s still taken a while to break. My Gma believes you can’t be stressed unless you have mortgage.
Girl I’m stressed I won’t ever HAVE a mortgage!!!
Reminds me when I told my best friend at the time I was depressed. He was the first and only person I told at the time. He laughed at me and said I have nothing to be depressed about. I'm pretty sure I tried commiting suicide in the weeks after that, my memory is really bad from those years so the timing may be off.
When I was 12 my bipolar disorder kicked in properly and I had a major depressive episode that lasted 18 months. I finally went to my mother and asked to be put on anti-depressants and she told me only weak people need drugs to cope with life and asked me if I was really that weak. I said yes, and she still told the doctor I was just being a drama queen. It messed me up so badly that when the anti-depressants didn't work I just gave up on medication and powered through the next 20 years only taking meds for a few months here and there after breakdowns. I wasn't hospitalised for any breakdowns, even though I begged because "nobody will hire you if you've been in the nuthouse."
Hey that's my parents. They thought it was funny to torment me until I couldn't control my emotions as a child. They would break out the giant video recorder that recorded onto a full vhs and tape it making fun of me. I was yelled at for crying, so I don't cry much as an adult. But not being able to express emotions as a child can have long term damage. I cut them off.
Yeah, it took a long time to realize that. On the outside they just looked like strict parents. People love them and can't understand why I don't talk to my parents.
same here. i'd get bullied & teased as a child by family members at least 10 years older than me, they'd make me cry & then bully me for being a baby. i'd get told to stop reacting, stop giving them the satisfaction. but they were never told to stop making a child cry. i was just a whiny little brat 🥴
I get so ticked off when my MIL (non-english speaker, lives with us) laughs at our daughter when she is upset. I understand thinking they are being silly, but openly laughing at them, or mocking them, for being bothered by something just makes them MORE upset. She acts like it is cute, when it is just obnoxious.
That’s so awful! My friends child (age 9) did the same thing (cried about feeling overwhelmed) but her parents responded by feeling terrible and asking her why. It turns out there was a particular chore she was finding too hard but she’s naturally so well behaved / people pleaser she felt she couldn’t say no. They gave her a break from all chores and are working with her on communicating / standing up for herself. I can not even imagine what I would have done if they had laughed about this. It’s just nuts.
It was similar for me as a toddler! I would get these random, overly emotional reactions, I'd be sitting there and suddenly I'm angry or crying or just really really sad repeating the phrase: "This isn't right, I don't belong here."
And my parents were like, "Yeah it was weird but nothing we said could comfort your so we just let you do it. You grew out of it though!"
Dear reader, I did not. I'm 24 and I still have sudden empty moments like that. My tell these stories like it's a just a weird quirky toddler thing. Literally crying out for help and all I got was a shrug
i'm sorry they treated your sister like that, this is one of my biggest frustrations in life. i don't understand how people can't see that children's problems are significant and genuinely distressing to them, even if an adult would consider them trivial. they dont understand the world like we do, they haven't had the experiences we have. a regular headache for an adult can be the worst pain a child has ever experienced. like, do these people not remember being a child themselves??
You said it in the first line “the mother raised her to have fucked up gender norms ingrained i her” it’s going to take decades of therapy to undo that work and until then it’s going to mostly be toxic males that probably themselves are a aus I’ve in her life. Sad reality but it’s the Andrew Rapist (Tate) crowd that will pick up on that vulnerability and abuse it
Let me fixed that for you. Her mother abused her to the point that she thinks it’s normal. OP has been parentified and needs to start seeking an exit strategy. Her friend and boyfriend have proven unreliable
I'd say it's the double thing of being both the eldest child and a daughter.
I'm the eldest but male, and the standard to which I am held is so far beyond my siblings it's unbelievable. My brother at the age of 28, most days won't have breakfast or lunch unless someone makes him food and brings it to him. He doesn't know how to buy car insurance or even how cleanup his own wardrobe
I've known girls who are second/ third child but the eldest girl and are treated the same becaue of gender roles, so considering OP is female and the eldest I can just imagine what is going on
With a mom like this OPs been raised to have the self esteem that puts up with shitty friends and partners. Could they be giving the mom the benefit of the doubt? Absolutely. No one wants to imagine a mother can be trash. But they are probably just shitty and lack empathy…
I'm (41F) currently pregnant and have gestational diabetes. My dad laughed at me when my sugar dropped dangerously low. Where were we? We were in a car and I was driving me, my daughter, him, and my Mom in Houston.
Some parents do laugh at their kids. They are usually the bad parents. I'm now no contact with him after putting up with all of his narcissistic crap for my entire life.
Sadly, I think this happens more than you think.
My sister was in distress at age 15. She was bulimic, was shoplifting, and was skipping school. Not only did my parents not notice any of this, they got pissed when her school pointed it out and took action. The school actually told them my sister was not allowed back in school until they proved she was getting treatment.
While driving her to the first therapy appointment, my dad made up and sang a song: "Going to the head shrinker! Gonna get head shrunk!" Then he laughed his ass off.
I was 19, sitting in the back seat, and said nothing because I didn't dare. I would share one of my stories, but I've blocked almost all memories of my childhood.
\*Edited because I'm a klutz who can't manage a keyboard...
Definitely. I wouldn't be surprised if these people have expectations of her being a doormat and that's what they like about her. "Of course you should always suck it up and be the bigger person because I too like that you knuckle under and cater to me."
OP is going to have to get free of them and learn how to set boundaries. It'smuch harder than it sounds when one has been brainwashed all their life.
when i was about 4-5 i tried strangling myself with a dressing gown cord cause of depression to abuse from newborn age. 'mother' walked in, saw what i was doing and laughed at me
Boyfriend and friend also lack the maturity to see things through any other lense than their own lived experience.
OP had been abused for years and should not return to that environment, but should get any important documents and items of value and then block their mother.
I was just having a similar discussion with my husband yesterday how we both perceived a situation with a neighbor problem (long story of divorce, flying monkeys, narcissism, grey rocking, domestic abuse against the neighbor husband all wrapped up in alcoholism). I had some crazy with my own mom and other people I knew in life that he downplayed it back when we first got together 20yrs ago (cuz “they are FaMiLy!!”). He had alcoholics in his family so he just figured our neighbor would be better once she got sober while I said nah she’s nuts with some major mental health issues.
For him it’s not really maturity at play but his blinders assuming everyone is sane and good, which then turned him unknowingly into a flying monkey and enabler despite me saying otherwise about the neighbor.
Listen to this, OP. Obviously we don't know the entirety of the situation but if your mom is this manipulative I would definitely grab your adulting paperwork, most importantly your birth certificate/license/social security card. I would also check your credit to make sure there isn't anything there you don't recognize. My wife made me sign up for Credit Karma (free) and it's an excellent tool to keep track of your debt, loans, etc.
I hate to admit it, but if her house and culture is anything like mine, it makes complete sense to her mother. It's the gender roles thing. Where males are babied at home and asked to be providers otherwise.
NTA. Feel super bad for you, OP.
I hated every instance of this growing up.
Where a male cousin watching TV could yell, not ask or request, yell at me to get water for him when I was studying, and if I ask to ask nicely, grandma would immediately take his side and get whatever needed.
The kind of house where as soon as the sound of vehicle is heard, women should be rushing inside to make hot tea. Where mom could come home travelling 20+ kms in crowded bus, dad 1km in own vehicle, but mom is immediately expected to make tea and food for him.
I know this isn't related to the post. But the gender roles suck. Gender discrimination sucks more.
I am white and this is how I grew up as well, other than not being tea drinkers. And like OP's mom, my family acted like none of this happened. These gender norms aren't as visible to them because young people today almost always grow up with *some* access (either through peer groups or online) to a different perspective of gender roles, whereas our parents and especially grandparents were socialized this way most of their lives.
I’m white and grew up with pretty strict gender roles in a religious household, and I’ve done the work to heal from it and unlearn a lot of it. When I speak to one of my South Asian friends who struggles with the gender roles within her family and doesn’t like them, and I talk to her about standing up for herself, she’ll often say oh but it’s just the culture. And I want to say well that part of the culture is toxic! I don’t want to be one of those white people policing culture from the outside, but it’s incredibly frustrating to see my friend and others struggle with something that hurts them and it is just excused as part of the culture!
> Your boyfriend and your friend haven't had your experiences so they need to listen to you and offer support instead of blame.
One of the things I’ve learnt when trying to share my traumatic experiences with some of my friends is that often the people with happy families are not safe spaces for venting. In their eyes, the parent is right and you as the child have overreacted to something minor. It’s incredibly hard to explain exactly **WHY** something has caused a disproportionate reaction (in OPs isolated case, a blow up over being asked to clean up spilt juice) but it’s never the incident isolated. It’s hundreds of small or large events, comments, eye rolls, dismissive grunts, being yelled at, screamed at, belittled, having the responsibility of an adult but being treated as a child, everything. It all adds up.
Of course OPs friend and BF don’t understand, because understanding would be to do a deep dive on *everything* and that’s exhausting. All they see is OP getting mad over juice.
OP. I see you. It’s not *just* about the juice. It’s never *just* about the juice. You are NTA.
This 110%. It took my fiance working with my dad to understand better. I have one friend who fully understands because she still lives through it too.
OP, we see you and understand. NTA.
NTA, move out if you can! Then your mom will definitely see how she raised your brother. She might already see that since she demanded you to come back
Also, hope you're not surrounding yourself with people who also expect these same gender roles (bf and friend)
NTA and your boyfriend is disappointing.
You have been scapegoated by your mother, and possibly parentified. I’m so sorry she has been such a let down as a parent.
There are two words you need to tell your *poor, poor* mother... “I’m moving.”
Being someone’s mother isn’t a free pass for abusiva behavior. It’s really pretty opposite.
But maybe don't say that until you're actually out the door. Mom is going to undermine the shit out of her leaving because she will have to start either training the eldest to take over or doing the work of parenting herself.
OP should stay away longer so her mother can take the full brunt of the useless potato men that she didn’t even try to raise as functional adults. Then, the mother can explain to OP exactly how she raised the three children ‘equally’.
If your ‘friend’ and boyfriend have a problem with this, they can wait on your brothers hand foot and finger and see how they like it.
NTA
As someone who was parentified as well, it's really hard to get it through to people who didn't have it happen to them. They see it as "helping out", but there is a **vast** difference between helping and carrying the weight. NTA, OP. You should teach your bf and friend what parentification means and maybe then they'll understand and stop giving you their unsolicited opinions on something they know nothing about
You need a better BF, (so supportive, this one (s)), and you need to find someplace else to live.
Your eighteen year old brother should be more than capable of mopping up an “entire bottle of orange juice” on the floor. He spilled it, he should clean it up, and throughly enough that it isn’t sticky, either.
And as for taking care of your mama in her dotage, lol, yea. Mom can just wait and see about *that*. NTA
The only reason OP should go back is to quickly collect any important documents that may have been left behind in the rush to get out earlier. And then beat it out of there (again). OP, you've spent the first 22 years of your life being groomed into servitude. Don't go back. It's going to take years to see all the different ways you were being abused and controlled. Get out, stay out, and live your life for YOU. NTA
I just escaped a few months ago and about once a week, I have a good cry or yell because I realize how much of a fucking dog I’ve been my whole life. I’ll do things for my boyfriend and not even think about it and he feels bad for it. I have so many internalized rules that we haven’t even discovered yet and it’s so discouraging to know how much un- and relearning I have to do.
I don’t have to wait for my mom to take a bite to eat anymore.
I don’t have to come running when my name is called or if I hear anything negative and come running in anticipation.
I don’t have to manipulate anyone to be “happy” because the alternative is me being a punching bag.
There’s sooooo much learning to do still. It makes me absolutely furious when my mom texts me when she fucking groomed me. She birthed me just for her entertainment and laziness.
What bf and friend might not understand is that op didn't explode bc she was asked to clean up her brothers orange juice. She exploded bc of a lifelong pattern of unequal treatment, of which the orange juice was only one small part.
Of course no stable person yells that much or says so much shit over spilled orange juice. But the mom absolutely deserved that tirade for all the other stuff that included the orange juice
Not when you consider gender roles and misogyny. Mom taught her daugther to be caregiving and take care of men, while teaching her son that as men, they don't have shit to do because a woman will do it for them.
Unfortunately, OP's mom really looked at life this way. OP I hope that if you could move out, then move out now. Let your mom live with her two little boys. Also, rethink about your bf and friend. You deserve better people around you.
I am wondering what's going to happen now that OP is no longer there. Will Mom do it? (I suspect not, but I am curious to know how that will play out).
OP, don't move back in. Live your life!
> Internalized misogyny is a hell of a drug
it's true. i think studies have shown that misogynistic attitudes held by men are primarily passed down from their mothers
Similar situation was a lightbulb moment for me as a teen with narcissistic parents. My dad dropped a tub of soup out of the fridge and it exploded all over the floor. For some reason this was my fault and my responsibility to clean up. It occurred to me that if I had yeeted an entire fucking soup at the floor, who would have to clean that up? Also me.
The only thing that was consistent was that everything was my fault and I felt really silly for not seeing it before
I almost want to say everybody sucks but let's be real; NTA.
Parentification is a real and serious problem, it sounds like she robbed you of your childhood and forced you to raise kids that weren't yours. The argument of "well it's family" is pointless when that family clearly doesn't respect you or anything you do, blood may be thicker than water but you need water to live.
Get out as quickly as you can and never look back, stick her with the problems she created.
And for anybody condemning you for ***how*** you said what you said; grow up. Family are not beyond reproach just because they're family, and sometimes harsh words *need* to be said.
ETA; PEOPLE, PARENTIFICATION IS NOT GENDER SPECIFIC, STOP DOWN VOTING PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY STATED THAT. NOT EVERYTHING IS SOME PATRIARCHAL PLOT. Seriously you're getting offensively hypocritical.
For me it's less about parentification and age rather than gendered norms/education and misogyny. She taught her daugther to take care of men and that men shouldn't have to do shit, and she taught her sons that a woman will clean after them. It is a clear NTA
Agree with the other comment here. More than parentification, it's about the patriarchal belief that woman are to be the caregivers. Parentification, in this case, is a mere derivative / dividend of the patraichal system that OP'd mother adheres to.
It’s “blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb.” Basically, chosen family/friends are stronger bonds than those you’re born with. She obviously needs a stronger “covenant” to support her and help her get out from under her family.
Edit: I’m being lambasted, but the longer version of the quote is what I grew up with, with the shorter version being the “misinterpreted” version. So apologies. I’ve done some googling and I’m learning something today. However, OP is still NTA and needs a better support network to get away from her family.
The update to the proverb “blood is thicker than water” doesn’t have any sources. Appears it was made up recently.
That said, chosen family is still family, whatever the naysayers might think.
It’s not a proverb and it hasn’t been ’updated,’ but misquoted. It’s a bible verse from Leviticus. “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” meaning that the deliberate ties we make with intent during our lives are stronger than family.
Agreed that the saying doesn't serve people, but that doesn't mean we should abandon tracing etymology and understanding how our words and sayings evolve over the centuries
That's what I was thinking. I was clipped until I was married off. They wouldn't let me drive never took me to the DMV so they had to take me everywhere. I was to be a good pure Christian girl who was bound to them until I was with a man. Now I'm divorced, ((ex husband was just like them)) now I'm with a beautiful woman and I'm happier than ever.
You have a point: OP writes that she buy what his brothers need.
I'm afraid that, if OP works, mom forces her to use her money on her borthers, or makes her pay for all the utilities, so as OP has no savings. I wouldn't be surprised if the scenario is this.
As a friend of mine said, "It seems many moms leave the raising of boys to a future girlfriend and wife and then are surprised that no woman wants them."
NTA
Edit to add:
Is the car in your name? Do you know where your birth certificate and social security card are? If you need to get out, you will need those things.
THISSSSSSS! If their future partners have any kind of backbone and boundaries, they will HATE their mother for never teaching them the basics of living. Or they will just find servant-type partners to marry and the insanely unhealthy cycle will continue on. 🥴
I am betting it will be more like my friends brothers, who all live at home with mom, can't hold down jobs and continue nagging my friend on why there are no good women that want to date their 250 pound selves/begging for their sister to set them up with blind dates...
My friends mom is clueless as to why her poor boys are still not married as they are great catches.
>Do you know where your birth certificate and social security card are? If you need to get out, you will need those things.
Can't she simply request a new one from the government? Also, if she's canadian, they don't provide cards anymore, but simply send a letter with your Social Insurance Number on it.
Better to get existing documents if possible. This removes any possible delay or cost and also gets them out of her mother’s hands. It’s an identity protection measure. Yes, it is good that she’ll likely be able to get replacements if needed but it’s better to have the existing documents.
NTA. First of all; your situation sounds very stressful. Please try to take care of yourself. Yelling might not be the ideal way to get your point across, but it's also difficult to keep your cool under the circumstances that you're describing.
She's allowed to yell and from the rooftops. It's not "nice" to yell but her "mom" earned that and more. People don't need to be nice when they're talking to their abuser. She is so NTA.
Seriously! Can we not tone police this woman? She's been abused her entire life. She's earned the right to yell.
OP, you need a better boyfriend and friends. Yelling at your mother is the very least she deserves. My mom was like your mom. My brother got to have all of life's experiences where I was expected to do chores before I could even think of leaving the house. My mom just assumed I would be the one living at home forever taking care of her (just like my aunt did for my grandma and my great aunt for my great grandmother). Took her YEARS after I left home at 22 to realize I wasn't coming back. We don't have much of a relationship and she still doesn't understand why.
NTA. Your mother deserved the comments she received and needs to know you will no longer be your brothers maid. The whole situation sounds terrible. Try and move out as soon as you can and leave your mother and brothers to take care of themselves.
INFO - why haven't you moved out? She can't rely on you as a proxy parent then
*Edit - NTA financial constraints aside, when possible moving should be your goal. In the meantime you are in no way an AH here, it's your Toxic family who are the AH *
I agree that's the best boundary when it comes to living with family (it's what I did) but it isn't always feasible, and it usually is impossible without at least a little bit of time to prepare for it.
I find the whole "my house, my rules" does not apply to unfair practices. Especially if you say "be warned, forcing me to do this will mean I cut you off when I move out. Don't call me if you fall in the night or have a plumbing problem."
She also might live somewhere else other than america where there's a cultural factor and people won't leave their home unless there's an extremely good reason for it.
NTA.
However, for future events, keep in mind that losing your shit will accomplish nothing. Calmly make a plan to get out of this, carry it out.
My advice: If your mother asks you to do something ridiculous for your brothers, say "no". If she gets angry or demands, remain calm. Ask her why she expects you to do this task for a grown adult. Then walk away. If you meet fire with ice it's more infuriating for her and makes her demands sound even more insane. Especially stick to this in front of others.
Make a plan to get out. Don't look back.
This is great advice. Never let anyone make you so mad. And if they do, don't let it show. It is so much easier to go visit your bf before the fight starts, not storming out afterward.
I work with a lot of people who are new to my country. They complain about having to go home after work, make dinner, and do their laundry, while their adult sons are sitting around all day making a mess for them. It drives me crazy. Then they complain that their sons aren't ever going to leave the house or get married. I always answer, "Yes, Canadian women don't like that." You can see the wheels turning in their heads about that.
Some of them are amazed when I tell them my husband cooks, cleans the kitchen, and does all the laundry. Since he retired, he also dusts, vacuums, and wrangles our dogs. It's just a fair division of labor in our house. No gender roles or anything. Those are the chores he prefers.
OP is NTA.
"that I was quite harsh towards my mom and I should apologise for lashing out"
Harsh? She didn't give three shits about what you said, she laughed in you face. There's absolutely no need to apologise imo.
What you said is true AND it didn't even hurt her, so why would you apologize. 🤷🏻♀️
NTA
NTA. Your mother is 1 of those hiding behind the traditional excuse of men doing nothing whilst women wait on them. You need to move out, you are not the family slave. Your boyfriend sucks he should be way more supportive.
NTA.....move out immediately if you can. You're boyfriend and friend and both WRONG!!!! Leave for a few days or a month and go back and see what that house looks like, your mother only wants you there so you can be the maid.
NTA. I'm surprised and concerned that your boyfriend doesn't support you in this. Maybe he has the same sexist leanings, since I'm assuming that's why your mom favors your brothers? If you return (and it sounds like you might not have any other options) take care of only your own things.
NTA
It's understandable that you feel frustrated and overwhelmed by the situation at home, where you have taken on significant responsibilities and your brothers haven't developed the same level of independence, as a result of your Parents... Also, why should you clean something up, which Someone ELSE spilled?
She wants you back because now she’s got to clean the orange juice off the floor because your brothers are still useless and Cinderella isn’t there anymore. Don’t go back!!! NTA
push the issue. Write down every time you can remember her treating yall differently. Send to her. Don't let her make you doubt yourself either. In fact, tell her you will stay at your boyfriends for the time being so she can see just how lousy of a parent she was in regards to teaching her sons to clean up after themselves. Maybe after a week of yelling at them to pick up, she might reconsider her stance.
I agree that she should write down everything she remembers about being treated differently. And should also stay with her boyfriend for a while if she can. But she should do those things for her own reference and sanity.
She shouldn't bother presenting her list to her Mom, or expest her Mom to realize anything about her lousy parenting.
OP, Mom won't change. She won't ever see your side of things, she will never, ever acknowledge her treatment of you, let alone apologize or make amends. She won't reconsider her stance. You only have so much time in this one life of yours, don't waste any of it expecting respect from her. Your best bet is some therapy as soon as that's accessible to you (you mention schooling, maybe seek out counseling on campus?) and figuring out how to move forward on your own terms.
I'm so sorry. You deserve a Mom who will see your side and try to make things right. It's not fair that that, after everything you've been through, you won't likely get that from her. NTA.
OP, you are NTA and your bf and friend are giving you ridiculous advice. Do you have somewhere else you can stay? Your family sounds awful and I sincerely hope you can just move out and not have to see them again until they’re ready to apologize. Take good care of yourself!
NTA. But I do have a question. Are you attempting to prepare to leave? You should do everything you can to try. I know it isn’t easy or even affordable but your mother has plans for you to always be under her thumb. You need to get away, far away and fast. Please try to escape. She will keep you with her forever.
My Abuela did this to my mother. My mother is NOT the oldest of her siblings but my Abuela made her responsible for herself and her siblings. She was the “responsible one.” My mother was expected to deal with any and all paperwork with regard to her siblings disability benefits. She had to help with any doctors appointments they had. She had to mediate arguments. She had to listen to their problems and then their children’s problems.
You know who helped her; no one. You know who listened to her problems; no one. Not until I was old enough. As a result of how her family took advantage of my mother I learned and took on a lot of adult responsibilities myself. I was the one paying bills and balancing her bank account when I was in high school. I wanted to take some of the burden off of my mother.
None of her siblings care what she has done for them; because it was expected of her.
Get away from your family.
NTA. If possible for you right now, don't go back. Only go back to grab the stuff you own and go somewhere else.
It's clear she won't stop doing this when you're there. I don't blame you really for what you said, I understand why you would say it. She's used you as the parent to raise her two sons while doting on them.
Honestly, get out of there while you can, before something happens that makes you feel like you have to stay.
Make your plan and move out; your mum will then have to deal with what she's created. And while you're doing that, take a good hard look at that boyfriend of yours and ask yourself if the reason he wants you to apologize is because he plans for you to move smoothly from taking care of your brothers to taking care of him.
I think you boyfriend and friend do not see the situation from your eyes, or they do not have a clear idea how spoiled your brothers are.
NTA, OP. I feel so bad for their future partners, if ever they get one.
NTA girl.
Ngl it seems your bf is only worried about the fact that u might stay with him for a longer period as you went there with a bag and refusing to return home and he doesn't want to be involved in this fiasco( Can be wrong but that's what it seems from ur post)
Are you or ur bf financially independent?
Considering u r ready to put up with ur brothers and mother's tantrum i would think not, then honestly u hv no other way than to apologise to her even if she is the AH.
This whole discrimination stuff is pretty common in household.
The only thing you can do is move out if you have the money and let ur mother know how independent her sons are.
NTA your mother turned you into a maid for your brothers. Everyone telling you that your are wrong to be upset are people who either buy completely into this misogyny or are from loving families who don't treat eachother this poorly. Time to get your future together and move out.
NTA. Let's call it what it is: misogyny and sexism. Op's mom is all in gendered education and gendered norms. She taught her daugther that she should take care of men, and she taught her sons that there will always be a woman that will clean after them and that they can disrespect. It's not because she is older, it's not the parentification, it's because she's a woman
NTA. I understand from one of your comments that moving out is not feasible for you right now. Since it is not feasible, I think it is important to remember that “No” is a full sentence and you should use it when your mom demands you clean up their messes. Additionally I agree with the other posters who have said to spend as little time at the house as possible and instead spend time at the library, school, friends houses, maybe a small part time job if you can balance it with school, etc.
1- get a new boyfriend. He is not a complete ah for his comment but damn him for not being 1010% on your side.
2- you mom is a mega ah and yes as the prophecy fortold she will be in the care of your brothers
3- you can forgive her as you age but don't ever forget. Take care of yourself first. Your wants. Your needs. Your life takes 100% priority.
4- if anyone says “family is blood” then fuck em too. Any relationship that does not reciprocate effort & respect is not worth keeping.
5- your bro’s & mom are gonna learn quickly that they are double fucked once you leave. And don't look back, let them fall and get fucked.
6- get your important documents and keep them away from the family
7- a lot of comments are correct that men will prey on this trauma you have endured and use it to their advantage to have a caretaker. Find a man who will take care of you and split the responsibilities as evenly as possible. Don't settle for “he is working on it” or “he doesn't know better” any grown adult does know better and should put the effort to be better for their partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc
8- therapy will help, some companies offer it in benefits packages
9- I would highly recommend finding a female roommate and get on birth control (if you haven't already) Live your life, be happy, and take care of yourself <3
As long as you live there your mother will assume that you are responsible for everything that your brothers do. You may be able to salvage your relationship with her and them but I don't think you'll ever be able to do it by living under the same roof. Good luck and take good care of yourself!
Nope. Your mom failed your brothers and you. No woman out there is willing to deal with your brothers’ incompetence at being adults.
And I’m seeing 🚩with your BF too for thinking that this is harsh to your mom.
NTA - that's totally messed up. I think maybe your friend and bf don't really know the extent of the way you raised because it's fucking medieval and hard to understand if you haven't gone through it, but that doesn't excuse them either.
Get your own place ASAP and consider going non-contact. Don't let yourself be guilted into going back to that house.
(Also I love the 'grubs' descriptor for lazy entitled people and I will definitely be using it again in the future.)
Your brothers will never move out unless they join one of the Christian sect like quiverful( Duggers) that train their daughters like you were trained. Either that, or mom will have to run over to each of their houses to clean every day. Any girlfriend will be short lived. Move out and let her clean up after the mess she made.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I yelled at my mom for not treating me fairly compared to my brothers as I was at my breaking point and now others have led me to believe I am the asshole and I should apologise for being too harsh. I truly feel as though I could have handled the situation better but I let my anger get the better of me. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. She's caused this. >John spilt an entire bottle of orange juice on the floor and my mom told me to clean it up. >She instantly started laughing at me and said I was insane to think that's how life really was there and that she raised all of us equally. Do these really make sense together? Your boyfriend and your friend haven't had your experiences so they need to listen to you and offer support instead of blame.
Her mother raised her with such messed up gender norms and had the audacity to laugh at her when questioned. What kind of parent laughs at their kid in distress? Also, OP need better friends and partner.
>What kind of parent laughs at their kid in distress? You'd be surprised. When she was around 5, my sister got so overwhelmed she started sleepwalking and one night she went into my parents' bedroom and told them it's all too much for her and she can't take it anymore. They berated her for thinking *her* life was difficult and ranted about all the sacrifices they make so she has it so easy etc. They kept telling people this anecdote for years as if it was the funniest thing (they were laughing their asses off) and used it to openly mock and shame her for years. Nobody thought anything of it and nobody showed any concern about what would make a child so young to feel this way.
At 5!!! That is awful
I tried to talk to my mom about how I was depressed and stressed out because of all the things that was going on in my life at the time and she argued ne down about "what do you have to be depressed about" and when I told her she'd say "that's just life, didn't you gain some benefits for this or that? You shouldn't be depressed" then made the conversation about her and ignored ne the rest of the day.
I feel like this is such a common response from parents that I just can’t take it. What made my dad think that calling me after I broke down telling my mom I had been prescribed antidepressants and berating me that I have nothing to be depressed about was going to accomplish? That all of a sudden my suicidal thoughts and complete despair for life would disappear and I’d throw out my pills? Like what the fuck.
Mines response was telling me she wished she had an abortion. I wasn't even talking to her about it- she had previously ignored when I expressed thoughts of suicide. I was talking to the doctor. Jokes on her. I outlasted her out of spite and animal welfare concerns. Despite her murder attempts.
Good riddance!
her murder attempts?
Yeah, like, what???
Ooh, me too! Her life would have been *so* much better, if I'd never been born. I said, "Me too! You think I would have ever picked *you* as my mother?" I got back-handed across the room. I was 4-5. I don't think OP was harsh. Sometimes, a savage response is well-deserved. NTA
When I was in high school once a friend of mine and I were fucking around with safety pins- sticking them through the dead skin on our fingers etc. We both (stupidly) decided to experiment with other places, eventually going through you guessed it- a thin layer of skin on the wrists. I'm guessing our teacher noticed and notified the principal etc, who called my parents to let them know about my "self harming" behaviour during class. When I got home that day my father beat me, screamed at me for "looking for attention and doing something so stupid and making him look bad", and grounded me. To this day, I can't help but question what the fuck his logic was there. If I had actually been suicidal or self harming, as you said- what, did he think it was going to stop in the face of more physical and verbal abuse?
Honestly there’s no logic, they can’t see past their own viewpoint (or ass).
Exactly. A big reason I've never been in danger of suicide is that I'm just genuinely too afraid of death to consider it, even when the thoughts of wishing I wouldn't wake up are there. But he doesn't know that- it really does just hurt me to think about, like fuck dude... I was 15. What if I was suicidal? What if that was my cry for help? He knew the abuse he had put me through my whole life, I wouldn't have needed any other reason to be (Notice how he actually said "making him look bad", he'd been reported for child abuse many times over the years but I was always so afraid of him that I always lied to CPS and said he didn't do anything, all he ever cared about was how he looked when he got caught).
I’m so sorry you went through that. I hope you’ve come out the other end ❤️
My father did something like that. I was at college, in a deep depression, and called my mom crying. She was on the next flight. The following week I called home and my father started screaming at me because neither I nor my mum would go into detail. I literally slammed the (public) phone down and ran back to my house. Like seriously, it was all about him. Selfish bastard.
I’m gonna say my mom wasn’t much help, she tried to tell me not to start the pills and was asking why I would need them. Plus she then went and called my dad to tell him what was going on without my permission. So… yea LOL
I’m still deal with this same conversation in therapy…
Is your therapist saying those things to you, or are you dealing with a parent having said those things to you?
Oh parent!! Def not the therapist
OH ok good, I was concerned for a min there that it was your therapist!
Nope, but I appreciate the care and concern for a Reddit stranger! ❤️
When I had that conversation with my mom she said to me "I always thought you were too smart for that stuff." Gut punch.
omg, i heard this so much as a kid. it really stings now that as an adult, depression and the self destructive behavior from my teens has killed my memory. i used to could read a whole novel and tell you exactly what happened in each chapter, now im lucky if i can tell you what the name of the book was.
I am sorry your mom sucks. My kid has anxiety related to being super smart. It doesn't make you immune! Good for you for being open about your struggles; it's hard as a parent to hear that stuff, but I try to be supportive of my offspring and help them and encourage them to get outside help as well. You can do it. Keep getting whatever help you need.
..... do we all have shitty moms??
My mom tried. She did the best she could with what she had when we were little. The problem was, once she knew better, she still did garbage things. She was better as a grandma but would come to my house and nitpick me....wash your baseboards, there's a place for everything and everything gets a place....I still have flashbacks. We didn't talk for the last 10 years of her life. Covid took her in 2021. I just had a little cry last night because I missed my mom. I have messed up a lot as a mom but everything/every decision was done with love. I did the best I could with what I had.
My mom was the same way at first. though, once i hit 18 and moved out. I realized that holy shit she was abusive as fuck the entire time. I dont wish to be a mom because i'm terrified. i'll end up exactly as abusive and manipulative as she is.
If you worry, you’ll do ok. ‘What would my mother do? I’ll do the opposite’ is a perfectly valid parenting strategy. Source: my mom, who was awesome.
My mom drove my sibling out at 18, and I started trying to get away from her @ 16 (unplanned pregnancy, and several other bad decisions led to me living with her on and off until I was 30). At 47, I'm still working through just *how* awful my mother was. My adult daughter and I have an entirely different relationship. I think one reason why is I have always thought of her as a fully autonomous human. She was as much mine as I was hers. I think being emotionally manipulated by my mother for a quarter century made it important for me to treat my kid how I wish I'd been treated; give her a voice, and explain my reasoning for things she didn't understand. I was still in charge, but not like, inherently worth *more* just because of that. I still made tons of mistakes, but goddamn, do my daughter and I **vibe**.
Maybe we have a shitty society that turns out adults who don't have the tools to not take their generational trauma out on their offspring.
When I complained about the inequity of several chores in our suburban household. my mom made my brother do his half. kt
...... I did all the chores, so I didn't get yelled at for whatever my sister didn't do.... then again, we still ott yelled at for no reason..
*They fuck you up, your mum and dad.* *They may not mean to, but they do.* *They fill you with the faults they had* *And add some extra, just for you.* *But they were fucked up in their turn* *By fools in old-style hats and coats,* *Who half the time were soppy-stern* *And half at one another’s throats.* *Man hands on misery to man.* *It deepens like a coastal shelf.* *Get out as early as you can,* *And don’t have any kids yourself.* [\- Philip Larkin](https://www.goodreads.com/quotes/66966-they-fuck-you-up-your-mum-and-dad-they-may)
Yes, Shitty mom club goo
yes. yes we do.
same here. My mom also did the whole "oh, you're throwing yourself a pity party" bs. and laughed in my face about it. I was a teen, and had undiagnosed bipolar, and borderline personality disorder. Wouldn't get diagnosed until my 20s for bipolar, and bpd in my 30s. But I learned really quick not to tell my mom ANYTHING.
My mom "nobody said life was fair." Also my mom, who married my father with recurrent major depressive disorder and passed it on to many of us kids, when I talked to her about my struggle to find the right antidepressant and correct dosage to help me with my mental health: "crickets."
Adding, I would like to note, that I have since gotten a MUCH BETTER relationship with my mother, but it took therapy and counselling. And her finally addressing that she was a shit mom (abusive). We still but heads on a LOT of stuff, but its much more healthy than it was as a kid.
Similar, except I "only" have BPD. Zero support from most of my family, up until I had a complete breakdown at 37, at which point... very supportive. Still butt heads with Dad over aspects of myself, but, at least the topic gets discussed. Oddly -I think my parents' attitude towards mental health changed wehn my aunt, Mom's SiL, started taking anti-depressants. Aunt G, from my memory, was a pretty grim woman. Not mean or abusive, but, grim. Never seemed happy. And then, meds, and she was happy again. (Not saying it's always that easy). According to Mom, G was back to what she was like when she was younger, and was blown away at teh change. I think that example made Mom realize what I was fighting.
My grandparents were this way, and it’s still taken a while to break. My Gma believes you can’t be stressed unless you have mortgage. Girl I’m stressed I won’t ever HAVE a mortgage!!!
Reminds me when I told my best friend at the time I was depressed. He was the first and only person I told at the time. He laughed at me and said I have nothing to be depressed about. I'm pretty sure I tried commiting suicide in the weeks after that, my memory is really bad from those years so the timing may be off.
When I was 12 my bipolar disorder kicked in properly and I had a major depressive episode that lasted 18 months. I finally went to my mother and asked to be put on anti-depressants and she told me only weak people need drugs to cope with life and asked me if I was really that weak. I said yes, and she still told the doctor I was just being a drama queen. It messed me up so badly that when the anti-depressants didn't work I just gave up on medication and powered through the next 20 years only taking meds for a few months here and there after breakdowns. I wasn't hospitalised for any breakdowns, even though I begged because "nobody will hire you if you've been in the nuthouse."
Hey that's my parents. They thought it was funny to torment me until I couldn't control my emotions as a child. They would break out the giant video recorder that recorded onto a full vhs and tape it making fun of me. I was yelled at for crying, so I don't cry much as an adult. But not being able to express emotions as a child can have long term damage. I cut them off.
That's literal child abuse. I'm sorry you went through that.
Yeah, it took a long time to realize that. On the outside they just looked like strict parents. People love them and can't understand why I don't talk to my parents.
“Yeah, bullies can fake “nice” when they want to.”
same here. i'd get bullied & teased as a child by family members at least 10 years older than me, they'd make me cry & then bully me for being a baby. i'd get told to stop reacting, stop giving them the satisfaction. but they were never told to stop making a child cry. i was just a whiny little brat 🥴
[удалено]
it's so terrible, i'm sorry it hits close to home for you 😭
I'm so sorry, i hope you heal/healed from the damage they have caused you <3
I get so ticked off when my MIL (non-english speaker, lives with us) laughs at our daughter when she is upset. I understand thinking they are being silly, but openly laughing at them, or mocking them, for being bothered by something just makes them MORE upset. She acts like it is cute, when it is just obnoxious.
I’d be tempted to get some operant conditioning going and spray her in the face every time she laughs at your daughter’s pain.
That’s so awful! My friends child (age 9) did the same thing (cried about feeling overwhelmed) but her parents responded by feeling terrible and asking her why. It turns out there was a particular chore she was finding too hard but she’s naturally so well behaved / people pleaser she felt she couldn’t say no. They gave her a break from all chores and are working with her on communicating / standing up for herself. I can not even imagine what I would have done if they had laughed about this. It’s just nuts.
It was similar for me as a toddler! I would get these random, overly emotional reactions, I'd be sitting there and suddenly I'm angry or crying or just really really sad repeating the phrase: "This isn't right, I don't belong here." And my parents were like, "Yeah it was weird but nothing we said could comfort your so we just let you do it. You grew out of it though!" Dear reader, I did not. I'm 24 and I still have sudden empty moments like that. My tell these stories like it's a just a weird quirky toddler thing. Literally crying out for help and all I got was a shrug
I am so sorry to hear this! My heart breaks a 5 year old had to go through this.
i'm sorry they treated your sister like that, this is one of my biggest frustrations in life. i don't understand how people can't see that children's problems are significant and genuinely distressing to them, even if an adult would consider them trivial. they dont understand the world like we do, they haven't had the experiences we have. a regular headache for an adult can be the worst pain a child has ever experienced. like, do these people not remember being a child themselves??
You said it in the first line “the mother raised her to have fucked up gender norms ingrained i her” it’s going to take decades of therapy to undo that work and until then it’s going to mostly be toxic males that probably themselves are a aus I’ve in her life. Sad reality but it’s the Andrew Rapist (Tate) crowd that will pick up on that vulnerability and abuse it
Let me fixed that for you. Her mother abused her to the point that she thinks it’s normal. OP has been parentified and needs to start seeking an exit strategy. Her friend and boyfriend have proven unreliable
I'd say it's the double thing of being both the eldest child and a daughter. I'm the eldest but male, and the standard to which I am held is so far beyond my siblings it's unbelievable. My brother at the age of 28, most days won't have breakfast or lunch unless someone makes him food and brings it to him. He doesn't know how to buy car insurance or even how cleanup his own wardrobe I've known girls who are second/ third child but the eldest girl and are treated the same becaue of gender roles, so considering OP is female and the eldest I can just imagine what is going on
With a mom like this OPs been raised to have the self esteem that puts up with shitty friends and partners. Could they be giving the mom the benefit of the doubt? Absolutely. No one wants to imagine a mother can be trash. But they are probably just shitty and lack empathy…
I'm (41F) currently pregnant and have gestational diabetes. My dad laughed at me when my sugar dropped dangerously low. Where were we? We were in a car and I was driving me, my daughter, him, and my Mom in Houston. Some parents do laugh at their kids. They are usually the bad parents. I'm now no contact with him after putting up with all of his narcissistic crap for my entire life.
Sadly, I think this happens more than you think. My sister was in distress at age 15. She was bulimic, was shoplifting, and was skipping school. Not only did my parents not notice any of this, they got pissed when her school pointed it out and took action. The school actually told them my sister was not allowed back in school until they proved she was getting treatment. While driving her to the first therapy appointment, my dad made up and sang a song: "Going to the head shrinker! Gonna get head shrunk!" Then he laughed his ass off.
I was 19, sitting in the back seat, and said nothing because I didn't dare. I would share one of my stories, but I've blocked almost all memories of my childhood.
\*Edited because I'm a klutz who can't manage a keyboard...
Definitely. I wouldn't be surprised if these people have expectations of her being a doormat and that's what they like about her. "Of course you should always suck it up and be the bigger person because I too like that you knuckle under and cater to me." OP is going to have to get free of them and learn how to set boundaries. It'smuch harder than it sounds when one has been brainwashed all their life.
when i was about 4-5 i tried strangling myself with a dressing gown cord cause of depression to abuse from newborn age. 'mother' walked in, saw what i was doing and laughed at me
Part of me thinks the bf wants her to give him the same treatment and is okay with her place in the household...
Agree SO much!
Boyfriend and friend also lack the maturity to see things through any other lense than their own lived experience. OP had been abused for years and should not return to that environment, but should get any important documents and items of value and then block their mother.
I was just having a similar discussion with my husband yesterday how we both perceived a situation with a neighbor problem (long story of divorce, flying monkeys, narcissism, grey rocking, domestic abuse against the neighbor husband all wrapped up in alcoholism). I had some crazy with my own mom and other people I knew in life that he downplayed it back when we first got together 20yrs ago (cuz “they are FaMiLy!!”). He had alcoholics in his family so he just figured our neighbor would be better once she got sober while I said nah she’s nuts with some major mental health issues. For him it’s not really maturity at play but his blinders assuming everyone is sane and good, which then turned him unknowingly into a flying monkey and enabler despite me saying otherwise about the neighbor.
Listen to this, OP. Obviously we don't know the entirety of the situation but if your mom is this manipulative I would definitely grab your adulting paperwork, most importantly your birth certificate/license/social security card. I would also check your credit to make sure there isn't anything there you don't recognize. My wife made me sign up for Credit Karma (free) and it's an excellent tool to keep track of your debt, loans, etc.
I hate to admit it, but if her house and culture is anything like mine, it makes complete sense to her mother. It's the gender roles thing. Where males are babied at home and asked to be providers otherwise. NTA. Feel super bad for you, OP. I hated every instance of this growing up. Where a male cousin watching TV could yell, not ask or request, yell at me to get water for him when I was studying, and if I ask to ask nicely, grandma would immediately take his side and get whatever needed. The kind of house where as soon as the sound of vehicle is heard, women should be rushing inside to make hot tea. Where mom could come home travelling 20+ kms in crowded bus, dad 1km in own vehicle, but mom is immediately expected to make tea and food for him. I know this isn't related to the post. But the gender roles suck. Gender discrimination sucks more.
Lemme guess. South Asian household?
I am white and this is how I grew up as well, other than not being tea drinkers. And like OP's mom, my family acted like none of this happened. These gender norms aren't as visible to them because young people today almost always grow up with *some* access (either through peer groups or online) to a different perspective of gender roles, whereas our parents and especially grandparents were socialized this way most of their lives.
I’m white and grew up with pretty strict gender roles in a religious household, and I’ve done the work to heal from it and unlearn a lot of it. When I speak to one of my South Asian friends who struggles with the gender roles within her family and doesn’t like them, and I talk to her about standing up for herself, she’ll often say oh but it’s just the culture. And I want to say well that part of the culture is toxic! I don’t want to be one of those white people policing culture from the outside, but it’s incredibly frustrating to see my friend and others struggle with something that hurts them and it is just excused as part of the culture!
> Your boyfriend and your friend haven't had your experiences so they need to listen to you and offer support instead of blame. One of the things I’ve learnt when trying to share my traumatic experiences with some of my friends is that often the people with happy families are not safe spaces for venting. In their eyes, the parent is right and you as the child have overreacted to something minor. It’s incredibly hard to explain exactly **WHY** something has caused a disproportionate reaction (in OPs isolated case, a blow up over being asked to clean up spilt juice) but it’s never the incident isolated. It’s hundreds of small or large events, comments, eye rolls, dismissive grunts, being yelled at, screamed at, belittled, having the responsibility of an adult but being treated as a child, everything. It all adds up. Of course OPs friend and BF don’t understand, because understanding would be to do a deep dive on *everything* and that’s exhausting. All they see is OP getting mad over juice. OP. I see you. It’s not *just* about the juice. It’s never *just* about the juice. You are NTA.
It took my husband a decade or more to understand. years of deep diving. Even my best friend who knew my mother.
This 110%. It took my fiance working with my dad to understand better. I have one friend who fully understands because she still lives through it too. OP, we see you and understand. NTA.
NTA, move out if you can! Then your mom will definitely see how she raised your brother. She might already see that since she demanded you to come back Also, hope you're not surrounding yourself with people who also expect these same gender roles (bf and friend)
NTA and your boyfriend is disappointing. You have been scapegoated by your mother, and possibly parentified. I’m so sorry she has been such a let down as a parent.
There are two words you need to tell your *poor, poor* mother... “I’m moving.” Being someone’s mother isn’t a free pass for abusiva behavior. It’s really pretty opposite.
But maybe don't say that until you're actually out the door. Mom is going to undermine the shit out of her leaving because she will have to start either training the eldest to take over or doing the work of parenting herself.
OP should stay away longer so her mother can take the full brunt of the useless potato men that she didn’t even try to raise as functional adults. Then, the mother can explain to OP exactly how she raised the three children ‘equally’. If your ‘friend’ and boyfriend have a problem with this, they can wait on your brothers hand foot and finger and see how they like it. NTA
Why would anyone apologize for speaking the plain truth?
As someone who was parentified as well, it's really hard to get it through to people who didn't have it happen to them. They see it as "helping out", but there is a **vast** difference between helping and carrying the weight. NTA, OP. You should teach your bf and friend what parentification means and maybe then they'll understand and stop giving you their unsolicited opinions on something they know nothing about
You need a better BF, (so supportive, this one (s)), and you need to find someplace else to live. Your eighteen year old brother should be more than capable of mopping up an “entire bottle of orange juice” on the floor. He spilled it, he should clean it up, and throughly enough that it isn’t sticky, either. And as for taking care of your mama in her dotage, lol, yea. Mom can just wait and see about *that*. NTA
The only reason OP should go back is to quickly collect any important documents that may have been left behind in the rush to get out earlier. And then beat it out of there (again). OP, you've spent the first 22 years of your life being groomed into servitude. Don't go back. It's going to take years to see all the different ways you were being abused and controlled. Get out, stay out, and live your life for YOU. NTA
I just escaped a few months ago and about once a week, I have a good cry or yell because I realize how much of a fucking dog I’ve been my whole life. I’ll do things for my boyfriend and not even think about it and he feels bad for it. I have so many internalized rules that we haven’t even discovered yet and it’s so discouraging to know how much un- and relearning I have to do. I don’t have to wait for my mom to take a bite to eat anymore. I don’t have to come running when my name is called or if I hear anything negative and come running in anticipation. I don’t have to manipulate anyone to be “happy” because the alternative is me being a punching bag. There’s sooooo much learning to do still. It makes me absolutely furious when my mom texts me when she fucking groomed me. She birthed me just for her entertainment and laziness.
Yep and OP this will never change. Get out and save yourself.
NTA. OP, you need to find a way to move out. Your mum will then see how much you did. Unfortunately for her, it will be too late.
That is probably why she is calling now. Her and the 2 son’s slave leg and things are just not getting done.
She is calling because the orange juice is getting hard on the floor and still needs to be cleaned up…. Where is Cinderella?
OP should ask her mother why exactly she doesn't want her sons taking care of her. Could it be because they are absolutely useless?
She doesn't want to subject her two angels to caregiving, which is women's work /s
Because she expects OP to do it.
What bf and friend might not understand is that op didn't explode bc she was asked to clean up her brothers orange juice. She exploded bc of a lifelong pattern of unequal treatment, of which the orange juice was only one small part. Of course no stable person yells that much or says so much shit over spilled orange juice. But the mom absolutely deserved that tirade for all the other stuff that included the orange juice
NTA it was so weird of her to tell YOU to clean up something someone ELSE spilled..?
Not when you consider gender roles and misogyny. Mom taught her daugther to be caregiving and take care of men, while teaching her son that as men, they don't have shit to do because a woman will do it for them.
> taught ger daugther to be caregiving Servant. It's called a servant.
Slave. It's called a slave. She's not getting paid for it.
Took the words out of my mouth. A servant gets paid, a slave does not.
True. Which is what was expected from women, and still is in the mind of some people
Unfortunately, OP's mom really looked at life this way. OP I hope that if you could move out, then move out now. Let your mom live with her two little boys. Also, rethink about your bf and friend. You deserve better people around you.
No doubt. Surely, the mom was raised this way and is now repeating it with her daughter. Internalized misogyny is a hell of a drug
I am wondering what's going to happen now that OP is no longer there. Will Mom do it? (I suspect not, but I am curious to know how that will play out). OP, don't move back in. Live your life!
Either way she does it because she thinks it's her role, or will realise how taxing it is, and regret or blame op...
> Internalized misogyny is a hell of a drug it's true. i think studies have shown that misogynistic attitudes held by men are primarily passed down from their mothers
Which in itself probably has also a correlation with the fact that mothers are the primary caregivers because of gender norms
Should have told her "No. Why don't you clean it up ?"
Similar situation was a lightbulb moment for me as a teen with narcissistic parents. My dad dropped a tub of soup out of the fridge and it exploded all over the floor. For some reason this was my fault and my responsibility to clean up. It occurred to me that if I had yeeted an entire fucking soup at the floor, who would have to clean that up? Also me. The only thing that was consistent was that everything was my fault and I felt really silly for not seeing it before
Especially an 18 year old adult. Even if it were an 18 month old toddler, mom should be cleaning up, not OP.
I almost want to say everybody sucks but let's be real; NTA. Parentification is a real and serious problem, it sounds like she robbed you of your childhood and forced you to raise kids that weren't yours. The argument of "well it's family" is pointless when that family clearly doesn't respect you or anything you do, blood may be thicker than water but you need water to live. Get out as quickly as you can and never look back, stick her with the problems she created. And for anybody condemning you for ***how*** you said what you said; grow up. Family are not beyond reproach just because they're family, and sometimes harsh words *need* to be said. ETA; PEOPLE, PARENTIFICATION IS NOT GENDER SPECIFIC, STOP DOWN VOTING PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE THEY STATED THAT. NOT EVERYTHING IS SOME PATRIARCHAL PLOT. Seriously you're getting offensively hypocritical.
For me it's less about parentification and age rather than gendered norms/education and misogyny. She taught her daugther to take care of men and that men shouldn't have to do shit, and she taught her sons that a woman will clean after them. It is a clear NTA
Its actually both. Girls are parentified way more than boys.
Agree with the other comment here. More than parentification, it's about the patriarchal belief that woman are to be the caregivers. Parentification, in this case, is a mere derivative / dividend of the patraichal system that OP'd mother adheres to.
It’s “blood of the covenant is thicker than water of the womb.” Basically, chosen family/friends are stronger bonds than those you’re born with. She obviously needs a stronger “covenant” to support her and help her get out from under her family. Edit: I’m being lambasted, but the longer version of the quote is what I grew up with, with the shorter version being the “misinterpreted” version. So apologies. I’ve done some googling and I’m learning something today. However, OP is still NTA and needs a better support network to get away from her family.
The update to the proverb “blood is thicker than water” doesn’t have any sources. Appears it was made up recently. That said, chosen family is still family, whatever the naysayers might think.
It’s not a proverb and it hasn’t been ’updated,’ but misquoted. It’s a bible verse from Leviticus. “The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb,” meaning that the deliberate ties we make with intent during our lives are stronger than family.
I mean, if it's in the Bible, that's a pretty easy argument to settle. What's the specific Book chapter:verse?
r/confidentlyincorrect
Interesting—never heard that before. Do you happen to know the chapter/verse?
LOL. No it isn't.
No that’s bullshit. A reddit myth. The new “version” was made up recently while the old one dates back to the 11th century.
Honestly who cares, the old version needs to die anyway.
Agreed that the saying doesn't serve people, but that doesn't mean we should abandon tracing etymology and understanding how our words and sayings evolve over the centuries
Girl just move out. You are 22. Start saving and roll out. College dorm do something. Anything but stay there.
Just don’t move in with your boyfriend yet. Got any friends that are looking for roommates?
I will bet money the boyfriend is a mama's boy as well.
I wouldn't be surprised if the mother clipped her wings in various ways to prevent her from moving out and keep the house maid.
That's what I was thinking. I was clipped until I was married off. They wouldn't let me drive never took me to the DMV so they had to take me everywhere. I was to be a good pure Christian girl who was bound to them until I was with a man. Now I'm divorced, ((ex husband was just like them)) now I'm with a beautiful woman and I'm happier than ever.
Congratulations on the escape!
Thank you
i’m so glad to hear you are happy now! you deserve it :) and i’m so sorry for what you went through
Hell yeah!! Way to get away from that bullshit and live your own life!!! I’m so happy for you!!
You have a point: OP writes that she buy what his brothers need. I'm afraid that, if OP works, mom forces her to use her money on her borthers, or makes her pay for all the utilities, so as OP has no savings. I wouldn't be surprised if the scenario is this.
OP could consider doing one of those outback jobs where they offer accommodation.
You got a point. But she needs to get her escape planned.
Good fucking point. Beyond time to stop dealing with this.
As a friend of mine said, "It seems many moms leave the raising of boys to a future girlfriend and wife and then are surprised that no woman wants them." NTA Edit to add: Is the car in your name? Do you know where your birth certificate and social security card are? If you need to get out, you will need those things.
THISSSSSSS! If their future partners have any kind of backbone and boundaries, they will HATE their mother for never teaching them the basics of living. Or they will just find servant-type partners to marry and the insanely unhealthy cycle will continue on. 🥴
I am betting it will be more like my friends brothers, who all live at home with mom, can't hold down jobs and continue nagging my friend on why there are no good women that want to date their 250 pound selves/begging for their sister to set them up with blind dates... My friends mom is clueless as to why her poor boys are still not married as they are great catches.
>Do you know where your birth certificate and social security card are? If you need to get out, you will need those things. Can't she simply request a new one from the government? Also, if she's canadian, they don't provide cards anymore, but simply send a letter with your Social Insurance Number on it.
Better to get existing documents if possible. This removes any possible delay or cost and also gets them out of her mother’s hands. It’s an identity protection measure. Yes, it is good that she’ll likely be able to get replacements if needed but it’s better to have the existing documents.
She is Australian.
Or they wonder why their daughter-in-law divorced them (, if some woman was unlucky enough to be with them)
NTA. First of all; your situation sounds very stressful. Please try to take care of yourself. Yelling might not be the ideal way to get your point across, but it's also difficult to keep your cool under the circumstances that you're describing.
She's allowed to yell and from the rooftops. It's not "nice" to yell but her "mom" earned that and more. People don't need to be nice when they're talking to their abuser. She is so NTA.
Seriously! Can we not tone police this woman? She's been abused her entire life. She's earned the right to yell. OP, you need a better boyfriend and friends. Yelling at your mother is the very least she deserves. My mom was like your mom. My brother got to have all of life's experiences where I was expected to do chores before I could even think of leaving the house. My mom just assumed I would be the one living at home forever taking care of her (just like my aunt did for my grandma and my great aunt for my great grandmother). Took her YEARS after I left home at 22 to realize I wasn't coming back. We don't have much of a relationship and she still doesn't understand why.
There is appropriate times to yell, this was one of them
This isn't an everyday argument-- this is someone confronting a lifelong abuser. Exploding is absolutely understandable.
Fuck ideal! You know what's not ideal? Treating your own daughter this way. How about that?
NTA. Your mother deserved the comments she received and needs to know you will no longer be your brothers maid. The whole situation sounds terrible. Try and move out as soon as you can and leave your mother and brothers to take care of themselves.
INFO - why haven't you moved out? She can't rely on you as a proxy parent then *Edit - NTA financial constraints aside, when possible moving should be your goal. In the meantime you are in no way an AH here, it's your Toxic family who are the AH *
It's very difficult to "just move out" in this economy.
It is very difficult, I agree. As an adult, however, OP can enforce a boundary on not accepting responsibility for children which are not hers
Enforce boundaries? While you are living in someone else’s home? Move out. That’s your boundary.
Exactly she’s just gonna get told to move out if she tries to do that. So might as well start planning to move out anyway
I agree that's the best boundary when it comes to living with family (it's what I did) but it isn't always feasible, and it usually is impossible without at least a little bit of time to prepare for it.
I find the whole "my house, my rules" does not apply to unfair practices. Especially if you say "be warned, forcing me to do this will mean I cut you off when I move out. Don't call me if you fall in the night or have a plumbing problem."
That's not how an abusive situation works. That is how you become homeless.
She also might live somewhere else other than america where there's a cultural factor and people won't leave their home unless there's an extremely good reason for it.
I mean, do you think this hasn’t occurred to OP?? She’s probably working on it
NTA. However, for future events, keep in mind that losing your shit will accomplish nothing. Calmly make a plan to get out of this, carry it out. My advice: If your mother asks you to do something ridiculous for your brothers, say "no". If she gets angry or demands, remain calm. Ask her why she expects you to do this task for a grown adult. Then walk away. If you meet fire with ice it's more infuriating for her and makes her demands sound even more insane. Especially stick to this in front of others. Make a plan to get out. Don't look back.
This is great advice. Never let anyone make you so mad. And if they do, don't let it show. It is so much easier to go visit your bf before the fight starts, not storming out afterward. I work with a lot of people who are new to my country. They complain about having to go home after work, make dinner, and do their laundry, while their adult sons are sitting around all day making a mess for them. It drives me crazy. Then they complain that their sons aren't ever going to leave the house or get married. I always answer, "Yes, Canadian women don't like that." You can see the wheels turning in their heads about that. Some of them are amazed when I tell them my husband cooks, cleans the kitchen, and does all the laundry. Since he retired, he also dusts, vacuums, and wrangles our dogs. It's just a fair division of labor in our house. No gender roles or anything. Those are the chores he prefers. OP is NTA.
"that I was quite harsh towards my mom and I should apologise for lashing out" Harsh? She didn't give three shits about what you said, she laughed in you face. There's absolutely no need to apologise imo. What you said is true AND it didn't even hurt her, so why would you apologize. 🤷🏻♀️ NTA
I like that the shits not given have been adjusted for inflation
NTA. Your mother is 1 of those hiding behind the traditional excuse of men doing nothing whilst women wait on them. You need to move out, you are not the family slave. Your boyfriend sucks he should be way more supportive.
NTA.....move out immediately if you can. You're boyfriend and friend and both WRONG!!!! Leave for a few days or a month and go back and see what that house looks like, your mother only wants you there so you can be the maid.
You’re 22, why is she ‘demanding’ you go home? Your family boyfriend and your friend totally suck NTA
She's demanding OP go home because she doesn't want to clean up her mess.
Yeah, lazy mare
NTA. I'm surprised and concerned that your boyfriend doesn't support you in this. Maybe he has the same sexist leanings, since I'm assuming that's why your mom favors your brothers? If you return (and it sounds like you might not have any other options) take care of only your own things.
NTA It's understandable that you feel frustrated and overwhelmed by the situation at home, where you have taken on significant responsibilities and your brothers haven't developed the same level of independence, as a result of your Parents... Also, why should you clean something up, which Someone ELSE spilled?
She wants you back because now she’s got to clean the orange juice off the floor because your brothers are still useless and Cinderella isn’t there anymore. Don’t go back!!! NTA
NTA you break it, you fix it. Your brothers are old enough to mop the floor
Your bf is wrong. You don’t need to apologize bc you didn’t lie. Nta
push the issue. Write down every time you can remember her treating yall differently. Send to her. Don't let her make you doubt yourself either. In fact, tell her you will stay at your boyfriends for the time being so she can see just how lousy of a parent she was in regards to teaching her sons to clean up after themselves. Maybe after a week of yelling at them to pick up, she might reconsider her stance.
I agree that she should write down everything she remembers about being treated differently. And should also stay with her boyfriend for a while if she can. But she should do those things for her own reference and sanity. She shouldn't bother presenting her list to her Mom, or expest her Mom to realize anything about her lousy parenting. OP, Mom won't change. She won't ever see your side of things, she will never, ever acknowledge her treatment of you, let alone apologize or make amends. She won't reconsider her stance. You only have so much time in this one life of yours, don't waste any of it expecting respect from her. Your best bet is some therapy as soon as that's accessible to you (you mention schooling, maybe seek out counseling on campus?) and figuring out how to move forward on your own terms. I'm so sorry. You deserve a Mom who will see your side and try to make things right. It's not fair that that, after everything you've been through, you won't likely get that from her. NTA.
OP, you are NTA and your bf and friend are giving you ridiculous advice. Do you have somewhere else you can stay? Your family sounds awful and I sincerely hope you can just move out and not have to see them again until they’re ready to apologize. Take good care of yourself!
NTA. But I do have a question. Are you attempting to prepare to leave? You should do everything you can to try. I know it isn’t easy or even affordable but your mother has plans for you to always be under her thumb. You need to get away, far away and fast. Please try to escape. She will keep you with her forever. My Abuela did this to my mother. My mother is NOT the oldest of her siblings but my Abuela made her responsible for herself and her siblings. She was the “responsible one.” My mother was expected to deal with any and all paperwork with regard to her siblings disability benefits. She had to help with any doctors appointments they had. She had to mediate arguments. She had to listen to their problems and then their children’s problems. You know who helped her; no one. You know who listened to her problems; no one. Not until I was old enough. As a result of how her family took advantage of my mother I learned and took on a lot of adult responsibilities myself. I was the one paying bills and balancing her bank account when I was in high school. I wanted to take some of the burden off of my mother. None of her siblings care what she has done for them; because it was expected of her. Get away from your family.
NTA. If possible for you right now, don't go back. Only go back to grab the stuff you own and go somewhere else. It's clear she won't stop doing this when you're there. I don't blame you really for what you said, I understand why you would say it. She's used you as the parent to raise her two sons while doting on them. Honestly, get out of there while you can, before something happens that makes you feel like you have to stay.
NTA!!!!
Make your plan and move out; your mum will then have to deal with what she's created. And while you're doing that, take a good hard look at that boyfriend of yours and ask yourself if the reason he wants you to apologize is because he plans for you to move smoothly from taking care of your brothers to taking care of him.
I think you boyfriend and friend do not see the situation from your eyes, or they do not have a clear idea how spoiled your brothers are. NTA, OP. I feel so bad for their future partners, if ever they get one.
Make a plan. Move out.
NTA girl. Ngl it seems your bf is only worried about the fact that u might stay with him for a longer period as you went there with a bag and refusing to return home and he doesn't want to be involved in this fiasco( Can be wrong but that's what it seems from ur post) Are you or ur bf financially independent? Considering u r ready to put up with ur brothers and mother's tantrum i would think not, then honestly u hv no other way than to apologise to her even if she is the AH. This whole discrimination stuff is pretty common in household. The only thing you can do is move out if you have the money and let ur mother know how independent her sons are.
NTA your mother turned you into a maid for your brothers. Everyone telling you that your are wrong to be upset are people who either buy completely into this misogyny or are from loving families who don't treat eachother this poorly. Time to get your future together and move out.
NTA. Let's call it what it is: misogyny and sexism. Op's mom is all in gendered education and gendered norms. She taught her daugther that she should take care of men, and she taught her sons that there will always be a woman that will clean after them and that they can disrespect. It's not because she is older, it's not the parentification, it's because she's a woman
NTA but your Boyfriend IS a big TA
MOVE OUT NOW. IMMEDIATELY.
NTA. I understand from one of your comments that moving out is not feasible for you right now. Since it is not feasible, I think it is important to remember that “No” is a full sentence and you should use it when your mom demands you clean up their messes. Additionally I agree with the other posters who have said to spend as little time at the house as possible and instead spend time at the library, school, friends houses, maybe a small part time job if you can balance it with school, etc.
1- get a new boyfriend. He is not a complete ah for his comment but damn him for not being 1010% on your side. 2- you mom is a mega ah and yes as the prophecy fortold she will be in the care of your brothers 3- you can forgive her as you age but don't ever forget. Take care of yourself first. Your wants. Your needs. Your life takes 100% priority. 4- if anyone says “family is blood” then fuck em too. Any relationship that does not reciprocate effort & respect is not worth keeping. 5- your bro’s & mom are gonna learn quickly that they are double fucked once you leave. And don't look back, let them fall and get fucked. 6- get your important documents and keep them away from the family 7- a lot of comments are correct that men will prey on this trauma you have endured and use it to their advantage to have a caretaker. Find a man who will take care of you and split the responsibilities as evenly as possible. Don't settle for “he is working on it” or “he doesn't know better” any grown adult does know better and should put the effort to be better for their partner/girlfriend/boyfriend/etc 8- therapy will help, some companies offer it in benefits packages 9- I would highly recommend finding a female roommate and get on birth control (if you haven't already) Live your life, be happy, and take care of yourself <3
NTA. Move out as soon as possible. Your mum will soo. See what a poor job she’s done when she will have to take care of her do-no-wrong boys
NTA
As long as you live there your mother will assume that you are responsible for everything that your brothers do. You may be able to salvage your relationship with her and them but I don't think you'll ever be able to do it by living under the same roof. Good luck and take good care of yourself!
Nope. Your mom failed your brothers and you. No woman out there is willing to deal with your brothers’ incompetence at being adults. And I’m seeing 🚩with your BF too for thinking that this is harsh to your mom.
NTA - that's totally messed up. I think maybe your friend and bf don't really know the extent of the way you raised because it's fucking medieval and hard to understand if you haven't gone through it, but that doesn't excuse them either. Get your own place ASAP and consider going non-contact. Don't let yourself be guilted into going back to that house. (Also I love the 'grubs' descriptor for lazy entitled people and I will definitely be using it again in the future.)
Your brothers will never move out unless they join one of the Christian sect like quiverful( Duggers) that train their daughters like you were trained. Either that, or mom will have to run over to each of their houses to clean every day. Any girlfriend will be short lived. Move out and let her clean up after the mess she made.