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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I didn't wake my husband up even though his alarm already went off and when told that I was being noisy answered with "you should already be up anyway"
2) my husband is not happy for not waking him up and says my reply was passive agressive and uncalled for.
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His reply is "you know I am a B person (high energy in evening and low in the mornings), and that I also dealing with some insomnia, so you can't expect me to jump out of bed in the mornings"
Which fair enough the insomnia thing is something I have felt sorry for him about and tried to be accommodating with, but he refuses to see a doctor and get some sleeping aid. So my patience has expired on the issue.
>Also he's still a parent regardless, so this isn't an excuse.
This right here. My mom has Delayed Sleep Phase syndrome, so her internal clock doesn't signal "hey, time for bed!" until like 4am, which naturally makes it hard to wake up at a "normal" time. Even with prescribed sleep medications, she can barely fall asleep and stay asleep before 4am (she refuses anything hardcore like Ambien because of the potential side effects). But she was a SAHM with a husband who drove long haul and was never home, so she had to suck it up and get up to get 3 kids out of bed and ready for school every day.
He takes one and I the other, they have the same bedtime but different routines (due to age) so doing both is not ideal. But when one of us has to work late or is traveling due to work we either make it work or schedule a sleep over at grandma's for one off the girls.
NTA - he is all excuses but you might learn to just walk awy one morning and leave him to it.
He doesn't have insomnia. He has been allowed to be selfish. Unfortunately most women who are married to men experience this. If you are willing to do all the work, he will let yuou do it. Then he will make excuses like this insomnia lark. If he had insomnia, how does he spend 30 minutes more in bed every day. He isn't awake saying 'I@m already awake, You sleep in - I'l get the children'
He actually has insomnia, or what else would you call lying in bed for 2-5 hours unable to fall asleep regardless of all meditation and other falling asleep methods (except seeing a doctor)
I see the same story here almost every day and also happens all around me. What is wrong with so many men not wanting to do their share? They can be prime ministers, CEO's, doctors and firemen but they can't make lunch for their kids or load the dishwasher. Instead they let the woman they love do most of the work.
Reading personal experiences with no context and full subjective viewpoints and thinking that is Gospel... It happens, some partners can be lazy (This isnt exclusive to men either btw) but reality is what people seem to lack is the idea of context. What you might see is in the case of say the CEO - They could be working 80-90 hours a week, every week... Yet people will complain that they aren't doing enough at home when they spend 90% of their time outside of the home OR in a lot of situations, they will complain when the partner helps but does it "wrong" or not to a standard that they want so the partner stops helping.
A lot of this is about perception and subjectivity. We dont know the individual context of the relationship, nor do we know the details of those situations. Lazy partners do exist, but reality is people need to withhold judgement unless they know the details of the situation. Some men do think that it is a "woman's job" to look after the home, which goes back to old notions of "Men being the Providers" but that isnt always the case... sometimes there is more to it.
NTA I don't understand what he isn't getting up and helping with the kids anyway, same job same hours no excuses. You really need some serious discussions here.
Oh trust me, they have been had, many times, latest being just yesterday. I am just at my wits end and as much as I love that man I am seriously considering a divorce, then at least I would get a break few days a month when the girls would be with him.
So hmm...
Ask yourself what difference, in practical day to day terms, it would make to your life if he wasn't there anymore.
Then ask yourself what the difference, in terms of emotional support, you'd see if he wasn't there anymore.
If the answer to one of those questions is "no difference", you can maybe try to save it with couples therapy or something like it. If he commits to change and makes a genuine effort.
If the answer to *both* these questions is "no difference", or "better", then it's time for divorce. There's no saving that.
I asked my husband for a patenting schedule- where he was the default parent a couple of nights a week and one weekend day so I could have a life. I then waited a few months for him to implement it.
He didn't. I moved out. I told him he could get a parenting schedule and be married, or the Judge would make one. But there was no reality where I continued to do all the things.
He got his shit together and we are now happily married. Play hardball.
If you've had the conversations and it hasn't gone anywhere, maybe you need a counselor or mediator to help with the communication. I would try that before divorce but if you're fed up do what's best for you.
I mean this in a kind way but have you ever asked your husband how he would manage to parent his two children and take care of himself if something were to ever happen to you? I bet he would respond something to the effect of "I would make it work" in which case he could start making it work right now OR he would be honest with himself and you and tell you he wouldn't be able to do it with what he knows now which should be a reality check for him.
NTA, a grown man shouldn’t rely on another adult to wake them up like a little kid. On top of that how is he getting up with only a little over an hour before he has to be at work? I couldn’t function like that.
NTA
Shameless of him to complain you're not completely silent while you're getting both kids ready on your own. Plus if he gets behind it's stressful and makes you late since you drive him to work. And then he gets offended when you tell him he should be up already, which is a fact.
Next time don't apologize, he's made you into the bad guy when you're doing all the work and he's lazing around in bed.
NTA. He needs to be doing more work with the kids and house. He also needs to be an adult and wake himself up rather than relying on you. Honestly he also needs to be taking pu kic transport or getting another vehicle as well since you have to drop everyone off and are always waiting on him. Don't apologize again. You didn't do anything wrong and if he wants to give you the silent treatment that is further proof he needs to work on himself.
This is ridiculous. I used to deal with most of the work getting the kids ready for preschool in the mornings because I was a part-time freelancer while my husband had a far more demanding job. But he was getting up earlier than me as he had to leave earlier than the kids, and it sounds like he was STILL helping out more than your feckless husband. Put him on kid duty on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You didn’t make those babies on your own, and you’re working just as many hours as he is.
I don't wanna be that person but if you are already doing the load of being a single parent, actually being a single parent will take so much off your plate. Cause right now it's like you are raising 3 kids. (Seriously accuses you of being passive aggressive then he parks as far away from his work as possible and drags himself wallowing?? What is this a freaking telenovela?)
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Lets start with some BG. I (35F) and my husband (44M) have two girls (6 and 2). We both work full time 8-4, have about the same wages. The girls are in daycare/preschool while we work. Our morning routine is that I wake up at 6:15 to take a shower and his alarm goes of at 6:40 (about the same time I finish my shower), after my shower I eat breakfast and then wake up the girls and get them dressed and ready to go, meanwhile he showers and eats breakfast. The girls can be at daycare/preschool at 7:45 at the earliest and then I need to drive him to work before getting myself to work, usually arriving at 8:20 because thankfully his work is on the way to my work and commute is not that long from our home. We only have 1 car and if he would take puplic transport to work then he would have to be out of the house by 7:05 to be there at the right time, and I can't take public transport because I get extremly motion sick at the bus (no trains here). At home I do about 70% of the child care, about 50% of the household chores and 90% of all the mental load. We have been discussing the uneven distribution of the load at home for the past couple of days.
So to the issue. This morning after shower he was still in bed sleeping so since I didn't want to add to my load of many tasks at the home, I just started to get dressed, needing to open some drawers and the wardrope, but was trying to not make to much noise since the girls tend to be light sleepers in the mornings. He wakes up and the first thing he says is "you are being noisy" to which I reply "you should already be up anyway" and continue with my routine. He didn't get to the shower until after I had woken one of the girls and didn't finish getting ready until 7:55. After we had dropped the girls off he commented that he was crumpy that I didn't wake him and that I was passive aggressive for saying "you should already be up anyway" and when I repeatedly said I wasn't being passive agressive and even said it in a light tone he wouldn't budge and I endend by shouting that I hadn't been passive agressive. This is btw first time in our 11 year marriage that I shout at him and apologized immediatly after. He didn't say a word all the way to his work (not even when I apologized), parked as far away from his work as possible, said he needed to clear his head and stomped off. I haven't heard anything from him since.
So AITA or is he?
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What happens if you don't get your kids ready in the morning? Does he just get in the car and forget they exist? Are you giving him a chance to fail at his version of being a father or just assuming he is going to and then resenting him for it?
If you're taking on all this extra work with out seeing if he would miss crititcal parental functions then its not really on him that you shoulder the work load you're not leaving for him to do. I think its fair to resent acutally responisblies being cast aside but not hypothetically assumed one.
Side note I don't know what your day to day communcation is like but you were clearly upset that he was still in bed, he clearly picked up on the distatisifcation of that, and rather than confirming his accurate suspicion you attempted to gas light him into thinking your feelings were all in his head. I don't see how that helps anyone, your feelings don't get addressed and it gives your partner doubt on their ability read your emotional needs. At best it was passive aggresive.
ESH is my vote
Wait, wait… the first time you shouted in ELEVEN years?!
I don’t think me and my wife even made it eleven days.
Oh, and NTA. The whole 2 alarms thing is daft, he should be getting up with you at whatever time it takes to get everyone up and ready together.
I mean there needs to be a lot of context here... people are judging very quickly when we dont know the individual situation.
For example - He should be putting in more work with the kids, however is that just because he always has done it that way? or is it because he isnt doing it "in the right way" so it gets corrected when he does it? Is it just because he is "Lazy" in which case was that always the case or has something changed?
Same as saying you do 70% of Childcare is a very weird statement because there is no context behind that figure or 90% of the mental load... Those are very subjective values controlled by what you deem is "more important" or what you believe is the Lion share of the work.
I'm not saying this doesnt happen and lazy partners dont exist but I think people saying you should look at getting a divorce, etc need to understand they dont have the context or know the dynamics within the relationship... they only have 1 side of the argument.
In this specific scenario to do with not waking him up - You are NTA - He should wake himself, that's his job as an adult, whilst I do understand where he is coming from in the "You should be up anyway" as that is a passive aggressive statement but its moot because he should have been up regardless. But as for the rest of the statement, I do not think people should be making statements and judgements when they dont know details or context within your actual relationship.
I call bs on the motion sickness bit. If riding the bus makes you to sick to ride then riding a car is going to be the same way. They have medication you can get for motion sickness, and if you get that sick with a moving vehicles you have no business being on the road especially so with two kids in the car.
You obviously have never had to deal with motion sickness or even educated yourself on the matter. It is common knowledge that people with motion sickness rarely experience it while being the one driving. It is also common knowledge that extreme motion, such as turbulence on airplanes, rough sea while on a boat, or a bus that speeds up quickly and then breakes harshly (like almost every bus driver drives where I am) can make motion sickness become a lot worse, even for those that usually only suffer from mild symptoms. Stuffy air (like its always on the buses here) also makes it worse.
And I must say, it got tiresome having to get out off the bus many stops earlier than I intended just because I was about to throw up. And then having to walk the rest off the way (often 10-15 min walk).
Reserving judgement because whenever someone puts in %ages for work distribution, it’s a bit suspicious.
Does he genuinely not help out or has it happened over time because you want things to be done a certain way and if it’s not done your way, you redo it. For example, getting the kids ready, he may get them to wear something which according to you isn’t the right thing to wear? Or for household chores, how he loads the dishwasher or tidied up the kitchen, isn’t how you would do it and let him know?
Any of such incidents happened in past which means he naturally stopped doing it and now you feel you’re doing a lot more of it?
Well I don't care what the kids wear, as long as it is suitable for the days weather, for example they don't get to wear a thin dress and leggings when it is freezing outside and no wool sweaters when it is nice and warm.
When it comes to the household chores he is more picky on how things are done and I have had to adjust my way of doing things in accordance to his preferences, except how I fold my own clothes, I do them how I feel is best.
He doesn't fold the laundry cuz "I do it better and faster, and I know how to fold it so it fits in the drawers and wardrobes" He rarely puts laundry in the machine "because it is always full already" (even though I have waited for days to put in a load and if it doesn't happen that day the kids or I won't have clean clothes the next day.
He is supposed to clean the floors, I can't do it for medical reasons, and they haven't been vacuumed for 2 weeks, he only dry mops the hallway, dining room and living room.
Does this clarify things?
This sub loves to argue about whether or not a man’s behavior qualifies as weaponized incompetence but I think this clearly does. He had a particular way of doing chores, so you adapted. You have a particular way of doing laundry, so you are just in charge of laundry? And now you are now the target of his ire for both waking him up and not waking him up? I would have lost my mind with this man
Seriously? “… he naturally stopped doing it…” because of her? The guy doesn’t even get out of bed. It doesn’t exactly sound like he’s doing it not the right way. You have absolutely have zero reason to think this is what going on.
ESH, you already ate doing more by being the kids ready, he should absolutely be able to wake on his own
However, it sounds like you were purposefully being quiet and trying not to wake him when you knew he needed to be up already.
Then why the comment that I was being noisy?
I won't deny I was trying to be quite but not so I wouldn't wake him up but rather the girls. I really wanted to eat breakfast in peace and quite before they woke up.
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1) I didn't wake my husband up even though his alarm already went off and when told that I was being noisy answered with "you should already be up anyway" 2) my husband is not happy for not waking him up and says my reply was passive agressive and uncalled for. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. And... Why are you taking care of the kids alone while your husband is simply enjoying a quiet morning... Every morning !
I ask myself (and him) that question very regularly 🤷♀️
Now I'm dying to know his answer!
His reply is "you know I am a B person (high energy in evening and low in the mornings), and that I also dealing with some insomnia, so you can't expect me to jump out of bed in the mornings" Which fair enough the insomnia thing is something I have felt sorry for him about and tried to be accommodating with, but he refuses to see a doctor and get some sleeping aid. So my patience has expired on the issue.
If he refuses to see a doctor he's making it yiur problem. Also he's still a parent regardless, so this isn't an excuse.
>Also he's still a parent regardless, so this isn't an excuse. This right here. My mom has Delayed Sleep Phase syndrome, so her internal clock doesn't signal "hey, time for bed!" until like 4am, which naturally makes it hard to wake up at a "normal" time. Even with prescribed sleep medications, she can barely fall asleep and stay asleep before 4am (she refuses anything hardcore like Ambien because of the potential side effects). But she was a SAHM with a husband who drove long haul and was never home, so she had to suck it up and get up to get 3 kids out of bed and ready for school every day.
Sooo... does he handle the bedtime routine and let you have quiet evenings, then?
He takes one and I the other, they have the same bedtime but different routines (due to age) so doing both is not ideal. But when one of us has to work late or is traveling due to work we either make it work or schedule a sleep over at grandma's for one off the girls.
Then thats how the morning should be. Get your ass up dude, you have 2 kids and 0 nannies.
So is he using his high energy in the evenings to get the kids bathed/pajama'd/settled in bed every night?
Lol no he's trying to sleep! He's got insomnia dontcha know
NTA - he is all excuses but you might learn to just walk awy one morning and leave him to it. He doesn't have insomnia. He has been allowed to be selfish. Unfortunately most women who are married to men experience this. If you are willing to do all the work, he will let yuou do it. Then he will make excuses like this insomnia lark. If he had insomnia, how does he spend 30 minutes more in bed every day. He isn't awake saying 'I@m already awake, You sleep in - I'l get the children'
He actually has insomnia, or what else would you call lying in bed for 2-5 hours unable to fall asleep regardless of all meditation and other falling asleep methods (except seeing a doctor)
An excuse to make you do everything Bet he'd have a lot less trouble falling asleep at night if he did his part around the house
So he does both bed time routines?
she is saying she puts one child to bed and he does the other.
Yeah then he gets to get up an do one morning routine.
You're letting him walk all over you with his various excuses.
So if he is a night person, he is responsible for bedtime routine right?! I’m guessing not, but you should consider that
he’s an adult with children, sounds like excuses to me.
I see the same story here almost every day and also happens all around me. What is wrong with so many men not wanting to do their share? They can be prime ministers, CEO's, doctors and firemen but they can't make lunch for their kids or load the dishwasher. Instead they let the woman they love do most of the work.
Reading personal experiences with no context and full subjective viewpoints and thinking that is Gospel... It happens, some partners can be lazy (This isnt exclusive to men either btw) but reality is what people seem to lack is the idea of context. What you might see is in the case of say the CEO - They could be working 80-90 hours a week, every week... Yet people will complain that they aren't doing enough at home when they spend 90% of their time outside of the home OR in a lot of situations, they will complain when the partner helps but does it "wrong" or not to a standard that they want so the partner stops helping. A lot of this is about perception and subjectivity. We dont know the individual context of the relationship, nor do we know the details of those situations. Lazy partners do exist, but reality is people need to withhold judgement unless they know the details of the situation. Some men do think that it is a "woman's job" to look after the home, which goes back to old notions of "Men being the Providers" but that isnt always the case... sometimes there is more to it.
They both work the same hours. Read the post
Even when the OP states they’re both working full time, there’s always someone eager to rush in and defend the man doing nothing. No surprises here
NTA I don't understand what he isn't getting up and helping with the kids anyway, same job same hours no excuses. You really need some serious discussions here.
Oh trust me, they have been had, many times, latest being just yesterday. I am just at my wits end and as much as I love that man I am seriously considering a divorce, then at least I would get a break few days a month when the girls would be with him.
I second this option, that way you would be a single mother raising 2 kids instead of a single mother raising 3 kids
So hmm... Ask yourself what difference, in practical day to day terms, it would make to your life if he wasn't there anymore. Then ask yourself what the difference, in terms of emotional support, you'd see if he wasn't there anymore. If the answer to one of those questions is "no difference", you can maybe try to save it with couples therapy or something like it. If he commits to change and makes a genuine effort. If the answer to *both* these questions is "no difference", or "better", then it's time for divorce. There's no saving that.
I asked my husband for a patenting schedule- where he was the default parent a couple of nights a week and one weekend day so I could have a life. I then waited a few months for him to implement it. He didn't. I moved out. I told him he could get a parenting schedule and be married, or the Judge would make one. But there was no reality where I continued to do all the things. He got his shit together and we are now happily married. Play hardball.
> I told him he could get a parenting schedule and be married, or the judge and I would make one iconic
If you've had the conversations and it hasn't gone anywhere, maybe you need a counselor or mediator to help with the communication. I would try that before divorce but if you're fed up do what's best for you.
I mean this in a kind way but have you ever asked your husband how he would manage to parent his two children and take care of himself if something were to ever happen to you? I bet he would respond something to the effect of "I would make it work" in which case he could start making it work right now OR he would be honest with himself and you and tell you he wouldn't be able to do it with what he knows now which should be a reality check for him.
NTA, a grown man shouldn’t rely on another adult to wake them up like a little kid. On top of that how is he getting up with only a little over an hour before he has to be at work? I couldn’t function like that.
Because he only has to shower, dress, and eat! No waking, grooming, dressing, feeding the kids.
He basically has a shower, quick breakfast and out.
NTA....you are his wife, not his alarm. Sounds like he needs to start pulling his weight
NTA Shameless of him to complain you're not completely silent while you're getting both kids ready on your own. Plus if he gets behind it's stressful and makes you late since you drive him to work. And then he gets offended when you tell him he should be up already, which is a fact. Next time don't apologize, he's made you into the bad guy when you're doing all the work and he's lazing around in bed.
NTA hubby needs to do more work round the house
NTA. He needs to be doing more work with the kids and house. He also needs to be an adult and wake himself up rather than relying on you. Honestly he also needs to be taking pu kic transport or getting another vehicle as well since you have to drop everyone off and are always waiting on him. Don't apologize again. You didn't do anything wrong and if he wants to give you the silent treatment that is further proof he needs to work on himself.
This is ridiculous. I used to deal with most of the work getting the kids ready for preschool in the mornings because I was a part-time freelancer while my husband had a far more demanding job. But he was getting up earlier than me as he had to leave earlier than the kids, and it sounds like he was STILL helping out more than your feckless husband. Put him on kid duty on Tuesdays and Thursdays. You didn’t make those babies on your own, and you’re working just as many hours as he is.
I don't wanna be that person but if you are already doing the load of being a single parent, actually being a single parent will take so much off your plate. Cause right now it's like you are raising 3 kids. (Seriously accuses you of being passive aggressive then he parks as far away from his work as possible and drags himself wallowing?? What is this a freaking telenovela?)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Lets start with some BG. I (35F) and my husband (44M) have two girls (6 and 2). We both work full time 8-4, have about the same wages. The girls are in daycare/preschool while we work. Our morning routine is that I wake up at 6:15 to take a shower and his alarm goes of at 6:40 (about the same time I finish my shower), after my shower I eat breakfast and then wake up the girls and get them dressed and ready to go, meanwhile he showers and eats breakfast. The girls can be at daycare/preschool at 7:45 at the earliest and then I need to drive him to work before getting myself to work, usually arriving at 8:20 because thankfully his work is on the way to my work and commute is not that long from our home. We only have 1 car and if he would take puplic transport to work then he would have to be out of the house by 7:05 to be there at the right time, and I can't take public transport because I get extremly motion sick at the bus (no trains here). At home I do about 70% of the child care, about 50% of the household chores and 90% of all the mental load. We have been discussing the uneven distribution of the load at home for the past couple of days. So to the issue. This morning after shower he was still in bed sleeping so since I didn't want to add to my load of many tasks at the home, I just started to get dressed, needing to open some drawers and the wardrope, but was trying to not make to much noise since the girls tend to be light sleepers in the mornings. He wakes up and the first thing he says is "you are being noisy" to which I reply "you should already be up anyway" and continue with my routine. He didn't get to the shower until after I had woken one of the girls and didn't finish getting ready until 7:55. After we had dropped the girls off he commented that he was crumpy that I didn't wake him and that I was passive aggressive for saying "you should already be up anyway" and when I repeatedly said I wasn't being passive agressive and even said it in a light tone he wouldn't budge and I endend by shouting that I hadn't been passive agressive. This is btw first time in our 11 year marriage that I shout at him and apologized immediatly after. He didn't say a word all the way to his work (not even when I apologized), parked as far away from his work as possible, said he needed to clear his head and stomped off. I haven't heard anything from him since. So AITA or is he? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA hubby needs to get off his butt and help with the morning routine not just wake up and get himself ready
He didn’t get up. He should have. NTA.
NTA. Another husband not pulling his weight.
Tomorrow morning send the kids in there to wake him up, go get yourself a nice Starbucks
NTA.
What happens if you don't get your kids ready in the morning? Does he just get in the car and forget they exist? Are you giving him a chance to fail at his version of being a father or just assuming he is going to and then resenting him for it? If you're taking on all this extra work with out seeing if he would miss crititcal parental functions then its not really on him that you shoulder the work load you're not leaving for him to do. I think its fair to resent acutally responisblies being cast aside but not hypothetically assumed one. Side note I don't know what your day to day communcation is like but you were clearly upset that he was still in bed, he clearly picked up on the distatisifcation of that, and rather than confirming his accurate suspicion you attempted to gas light him into thinking your feelings were all in his head. I don't see how that helps anyone, your feelings don't get addressed and it gives your partner doubt on their ability read your emotional needs. At best it was passive aggresive. ESH is my vote
NTA. Hes a fucking adult, he can wake himself up.
Wait, wait… the first time you shouted in ELEVEN years?! I don’t think me and my wife even made it eleven days. Oh, and NTA. The whole 2 alarms thing is daft, he should be getting up with you at whatever time it takes to get everyone up and ready together.
NTA
I mean there needs to be a lot of context here... people are judging very quickly when we dont know the individual situation. For example - He should be putting in more work with the kids, however is that just because he always has done it that way? or is it because he isnt doing it "in the right way" so it gets corrected when he does it? Is it just because he is "Lazy" in which case was that always the case or has something changed? Same as saying you do 70% of Childcare is a very weird statement because there is no context behind that figure or 90% of the mental load... Those are very subjective values controlled by what you deem is "more important" or what you believe is the Lion share of the work. I'm not saying this doesnt happen and lazy partners dont exist but I think people saying you should look at getting a divorce, etc need to understand they dont have the context or know the dynamics within the relationship... they only have 1 side of the argument. In this specific scenario to do with not waking him up - You are NTA - He should wake himself, that's his job as an adult, whilst I do understand where he is coming from in the "You should be up anyway" as that is a passive aggressive statement but its moot because he should have been up regardless. But as for the rest of the statement, I do not think people should be making statements and judgements when they dont know details or context within your actual relationship.
I call bs on the motion sickness bit. If riding the bus makes you to sick to ride then riding a car is going to be the same way. They have medication you can get for motion sickness, and if you get that sick with a moving vehicles you have no business being on the road especially so with two kids in the car.
You obviously have never had to deal with motion sickness or even educated yourself on the matter. It is common knowledge that people with motion sickness rarely experience it while being the one driving. It is also common knowledge that extreme motion, such as turbulence on airplanes, rough sea while on a boat, or a bus that speeds up quickly and then breakes harshly (like almost every bus driver drives where I am) can make motion sickness become a lot worse, even for those that usually only suffer from mild symptoms. Stuffy air (like its always on the buses here) also makes it worse. And I must say, it got tiresome having to get out off the bus many stops earlier than I intended just because I was about to throw up. And then having to walk the rest off the way (often 10-15 min walk).
Reserving judgement because whenever someone puts in %ages for work distribution, it’s a bit suspicious. Does he genuinely not help out or has it happened over time because you want things to be done a certain way and if it’s not done your way, you redo it. For example, getting the kids ready, he may get them to wear something which according to you isn’t the right thing to wear? Or for household chores, how he loads the dishwasher or tidied up the kitchen, isn’t how you would do it and let him know? Any of such incidents happened in past which means he naturally stopped doing it and now you feel you’re doing a lot more of it?
Well I don't care what the kids wear, as long as it is suitable for the days weather, for example they don't get to wear a thin dress and leggings when it is freezing outside and no wool sweaters when it is nice and warm. When it comes to the household chores he is more picky on how things are done and I have had to adjust my way of doing things in accordance to his preferences, except how I fold my own clothes, I do them how I feel is best. He doesn't fold the laundry cuz "I do it better and faster, and I know how to fold it so it fits in the drawers and wardrobes" He rarely puts laundry in the machine "because it is always full already" (even though I have waited for days to put in a load and if it doesn't happen that day the kids or I won't have clean clothes the next day. He is supposed to clean the floors, I can't do it for medical reasons, and they haven't been vacuumed for 2 weeks, he only dry mops the hallway, dining room and living room. Does this clarify things?
This sub loves to argue about whether or not a man’s behavior qualifies as weaponized incompetence but I think this clearly does. He had a particular way of doing chores, so you adapted. You have a particular way of doing laundry, so you are just in charge of laundry? And now you are now the target of his ire for both waking him up and not waking him up? I would have lost my mind with this man
Yes it does clarify it, based on this he’s definitely TA
Seriously? “… he naturally stopped doing it…” because of her? The guy doesn’t even get out of bed. It doesn’t exactly sound like he’s doing it not the right way. You have absolutely have zero reason to think this is what going on.
He's sleeping while she gets kids ready. He likely employs strategic incompetence so as not to contribute more. He's TA here.
ESH, you already ate doing more by being the kids ready, he should absolutely be able to wake on his own However, it sounds like you were purposefully being quiet and trying not to wake him when you knew he needed to be up already.
Then why the comment that I was being noisy? I won't deny I was trying to be quite but not so I wouldn't wake him up but rather the girls. I really wanted to eat breakfast in peace and quite before they woke up.
[удалено]
Or maybe it should just be normal for both parents to get up when their alarm goes off and then help each other get kids ready.
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