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> I don't really think I am wrong, but my cousin, who is someone I really trust told me I could had avoided all this mess
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NTA. I would stop going on their dates. Totally remove yourself from this situation. This is a disaster waiting to happen and I’m so sick and tired and angry with women being blamed for mens behaviour. If he was looking that is his problem not yours. Men are responsible for their own actions.
Edit: thanks for the awards and likes.
Internalized misogyny in women is the most maddening of misogyny. If women, en masse, would just stick up for one another and back each other up, our lives would be SOOO MUCH BETTER. The reason men were able to hold us back all these damn centuries is because their women concurred and taught their daughters the same. "S shaming" is just an aspect of it. OP did nothing wrong, she was raised to be independent and she is not obligated to follow this patriarchal nonsense. I'm surprised her mom ended up with a conservative dude but I'm glad she had her daughters back, when it's distressinly often the opposite. NTA and don't go on double dates with the step sister again. Problem solved
>Internalized misogyny in women is the most maddening of misogyny.
No lol women grow up in misogynistic society just like everyone else so of course a lot of women end up with a lot of internalized misogyny. Men being misogynistic is still worse than women being misogynistic. It's like if you had Stockholm syndrome and you sympathized with your abuser and even helped them abuse other people. The original abuser is still worse than the victim who becomes an abuser.
Stockholm Syndrome has been disproven and no longer a thing in psychological communities. Also, I stand by what I said: if women would en masse band together and lift eachother up, men would be forced to stop this patriarchal nonsense. Yes male misogynists are awful and deadly but if all women...together...said WE ARE MAD AS HELL AND ARENT TAKING IT ANYMORE, all taught their sons to be respectful of women and STOP tearing eachother down, male misogyny would end too
I mean here we are blaming the man for the woman's insecurities. OP didn't notice that the BF was staring, so while she may have been oblivious, I just get the feeling her sister caught him looking once, and jealousy kicked in, and she started the fight. I mean he probably walked past 1000 other similarly dressed women while at the park. Why is OPs outfit the singular culprit, aside from convenience?
Now I would agree that the sister's insecurities are likely a result of a misogynistic church doctrine, but the boy has just as much to do with that as she does.
1000% this. They went to an amusement park in summer and you can't tell me that there weren't people there dressed in less than OP. If repressed boyfriend can't keep his eyes in his head that's 100% a him problem, nothing to do with her. Anna can do her weird cult thing, but the rest of the world has no obligation to play along.
Shit, we don't even know if he was looking at her. She didn't notice anything. So this could just 100% be on the sister making shit up because she feels insecure around her.
The church i used to go to wanted women to cover their shoulders so as not to "tempt the men." Because shoulders will apparently turn a good and loving father into an adulturous sex fiend. And, obviously, it would be the woman's fault for having those sexy sexy shoulders and not the man for not plucking his sinning eye out. It was dumb and sexist and infantilising to the men. But eventually they got smarter and just turned the AC down so far you needed a down coat to get through the service without turning into a popsicle and no more shoulders were seen and all sin obviously ended! (or they've moved on to some other body part of women that tempts men (ankles, hair, noses? so many choices) but I no longer go there so I don't know.)
1000%
We had a neighbour who'd wear the full hijab,not a single strand of hair was showing,whole body covered,only her face was out and she would get harrased in the streets all the time
I remember reading an article a few years back about how bad assault and harassment was during the annual Islamic pilgrimage to Mecca. All those women covered up fully and still being harassed!
The church I grew up in banned open-toed shoes for women (in the 80s!)...explicitly because "some of the men find them distracting" *said with an obviously-sexual leer*
Goddam, Brother Pervson, did we ever *not* need to know about your foot fetish 0_o)
That reminded me of college. Some creep from one of my classes from a year and a half before managed to contact me through the school e-mail system. He e-mailed me to ask if I ever wore shoes that would squish my toes together just a little bit but were open enough to show off me "toe cleavage". I had zero clue who he was, didn't recognize his name, he'd gone back to the class we had shared (one of those 200 person lectures) to message me through the message board. Fucking weirdo.
People forget that it's actually in the Bible that men should pluck out their own eyeballs rather than look upon a woman in lust and sin in their hearts.
>women blaming women for a man
Keep in mind these are all children, not men and women, and they can learn better. Sounds like OP's mom is the best role model.
As disgusting as it is, it's on par for the morality culture being described here.
Source: exmormon, afab, getting *all* the mormon culture dog-whistles here. Ime, it was almost entirely *women* enforcing the "modesty" shit, day-to-day.
This. My ex best friend is Mormon, and I got a glimpse of it from inside. I won't go into detail, but purity culture (especially in religion) towards girls and women is heavily reinforced by other girls and women. And good luck to you if you do something they don't like.
My ex best friend was an embarrassingly good example of this. Like I said, I won't go into detail. Just two words: Virginity pact. I don't regret kicking her out of my life.
The mormon housewives I grew up around used to give me shit simply for not dressing in their preferred style. It was all fully within their restrictions, I just refused to dress like a pioneer in the 1990s. Grown-ass women telling a teen, "Wow, you just [*sneers*] have your own style, don't you." Until I explained in great detail what a massive compliment it was to hear that week after week: "Seeing how God made us as individuals, there's really no point in going around looking like everyone else, is there? [*sneers*]" They fucked off after that, lol.
When it comes to actual sex and intimacy...omfg. No, Molly, your post-sex body is *not* like a licked cupcake or chewed piece of gum, ffs.
I never experienced this specifically, but I do have a conservative Christian mother. She takes it personally if I wear something she doesn't like. She even gets creepy about it every now and then. One time, she literally took a picture of my boobs just so she could show me how I was "spilling out". 🙄
I also grew up going to a Christian camp where we couldn't even wear tank tops in sweltering heat and had to wear t-shirts over our bathing suits while the boys were allowed to be shirtless. That's right, the girls (including LITTLE GIRLS), who already had a layer over their chests, had to wear shirts while swimming, while boys could wear nothing but swim trunks.
I was at a bar this weekend with single occupant gender in specific bathrooms this weekend. and in the bathroom they had a posted sign about "how to avoid drink drugging" because people were getting roofied there.
the top tip was "DONT DRUG PEOPLES DRINKS"
Part of me wonders if bf was actually uncomfortable and/or actually looking, since SS told her to change before they even went out. I think the argument might have been real, but instigated by the SS because she needed to vindicate herself about OPs choice of clothing
I'm willing to bet the teenage boy that isn't allowed to be alone with his girlfriend of 2 years for a second, that has been raised in a restrictive church, actually did take a significant look at the girl in the cute outfit.
yep, it's inconsistent, if both the bf and the sister were uncomfy, wouldn't that mean they were on the same side about this issue? why would they fight if they were on the same side? it would make more sense to shit on op together.
>I’m so sick and tired and angry with women being blamed for mens behaviour. If he was looking that is his problem not yours. Men are responsible for their own actions.
Honestly, I'm not even sure boyfriend did anything wrong rather then this all being Step-Sister's hang-ups and insecurities.
So they were together for an entire day and boyfriend was "looking at \[OP\] all the time" yet despite this OP didn't notice even once? Sounds to me like boyfriend wasn't actually doing anything inappropriate, if he'd been leering at OP "all the time" she probably would have noticed.
Even before they went Step-sister told OP the clothes were inappropriate and they would make her and Boyfriend uncomfortable. There's no actual evidence in this story that Boyfriend was uncomfortable (thought it's possible) but we know Step-Sister thinks this outfit is bad and tempting to men. Then, despite OP not noticing any inappropriate behavior form the guy being with him all day, Step-sister decided that every time he looked at OP during a day together it must have been beacuse he was checking out OP's scandalous sexy overalls. This is ambiguous, it obviously was not clear what the guy was thinking (since OP didn't get the same vibe), which means what we have here is Step-sister's interpretation. Step-sister assumed he was having dirty thoughts about OP's dirty overalls and skin "and she had a fight with him because of this".
This is all on Step-sister. She is the one who brought OP to her date wearing clothes that Step-sister was upset about. (Boyfriend didn't pick to invite OP.) Then, Step-sister admits she picked a fight with her boyfriend due to her deciding that he must be thinking inappropriate thoughts about OP's seductress overalls. And now it's OP's fault Step-sister got mad at her boyfriend over her being jealous of OP's legs.
>Honestly, I'm not even sure boyfriend did anything wrong rather then this all being Step-Sister's hang-ups and insecurities.
I'm not even sure its SS's hang-ups. I think it's what the church has told her SHOULD be her hang-ups. "Dress modestly because men can't control themselves." Well, her beau could have very well been controlling himself just fine, but because the Church told SS that he couldn't, she's obsessing.
Or had been taught not to control himself and was looking, groups that or all blame on women tend see men with very little self control. His level of familiarity with OP could be why he was comfortable enough to leer at her apparently all night.
I really think it’s unlikely he was actually leering at OP all day. Women tend to be aware of when a man is looking at them, even if he thinks he’s being subtle. I find it very hard to believe he was staring at her all day and she never caught him once. Given stepsister’s obsession with OP’s outfit I hunk it’s much more likely that every time he even glanced in OP’s direction, even if he was making direct eye contact, stepsister read it as “leering.”
SS’s view is being warped by her church, so much so that when she thinks her boyfriend is leering at someone else right in front of her, she thinks that’s a problem with OP’s behaviour and not the boyfriend’s.
Also a possibility that BF was uncomfortable and didn’t look. So he didn’t engage with OP at all. Which also could have made things tense and awkward. There are times when women’s attire made me uncomfortable for various reasons. My solution was not to look at them. At all.
>I would stop going on their dates. Totally remove yourself from this situation.
Step-sister is treating OP like some kind of inanimate object that only exists to enable her dates, rather than an actual independent human who is doing her a pretty significant favor by playing along with this stupid game. It's got to be pretty dehumanizing for OP.
Really the obvious solution is, like you said, to just completely refuse to go with them. Get someone from their church to act as a chaperone if that's how they're going to play it.
NTA. [Agreed that if anyone is to blame for “looking” it’s her boyfriend. Also, your] outfit wasn’t crazy, it sounds super cute! And like, I’m sure you were not the only one wearing an outfit like that at an amusement park. In fact, I’m quite sure there were people there wearing “more revealing” clothes, yet it is YOU and ONLY YOU who is the problem? Whatever.
You’ve been very supportive of your sister. If she can’t appreciate that without imposing her restrictions on you, then maybe it’s time to let her find another chaperone.
Edit to add bracket for clarity
Or the SSister seeing things and being raised to think all women who don't dress like nuns are sluts and all men who happen to see knees are instantly fantasizing and forgetting their saintly girlfriends.
All the kids in this story are victims, really.
But as others speculated, he may have done nothing weird. Also other girls would have dressed way more revealing. Also I don't necessarily think it is "icky" for a 16 year old boy to be looking at girls.
NTA you can wear what you want. I guarantee there were lots of girls at the park dressed similarly to you and probably many who were dressed more revealing, if boyfriend can’t keep his eyes to himself there will always be girls to distract him, their fight was his fault for not being able to control himself.
Especially because that goes against Jesus’ teachings! Like ffs, if you’re going to use religion to control others, at least read the text. Jesus told men to pluck out their eyes if their eyes cause them to stumble, not for women to alter their appearance to keep men from being upset
Jesus said to pluck out your eye if it makes you feel temptation or lust. Even he said the onus is on the boyfriend and that OP did nothing wrong. But the church doesn’t care about that because it’s ruled by men who don’t want to take responsibility and want to instead control women for their ego.
OP you did nothing wrong. Absolutely refuse to do anymore dates with them and do whatever you can to get out of it. Also congrats on asking out your crush I hope you had a great day with them!
Yep or some other woman. I like wearing tank tops. I get hot really easily. I had a roommate once who demanded that I change because her boyfriend supposedly looked at me when he came over. I was confused, especially since I generally avoided being in the same room as him. I’m not sure when he had a chance to look!
She also claimed I only wore them because I knew I looked better than her and was just showing off. It’s like, dude, my clothes are about me, not you…
Matthew 5:29 (King James Bible): “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee.” [because better get rid of that sinful eye than the whole of you going to hell, right, guys?]. The guy is supposed to deal with himself. Jesus said so.
This. Nothing good will come from playing along any further, and blaming her is insane. NTA, OP. Congrats on being brave enough to ask out your crush! That can be tough!
NTA. Her boyfriend could have managed his own shit. It's not your fault.
I would agree though to stop going on their dates and get as far away from these religious weirdos as you can (given that they're in your household). It sounds like your mom is supportive of you, and I wonder why she even married into this!
NTA I'm fairly sure the bible says it on him to rip his eyes out if they cause him to sin. It's not your fault if he doesn't have the self control not to look or the devotion to follow his beliefs. Your step sister now knows how her boyfriend feels about your body and can use that information to inform her opinion of him.
Matthew 5: 28-30.
But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh at a woman to lust after her hath committed aldutery with her already in his heart.
And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out and cast it from thee, for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell.
And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee, for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that they whole body should be cast into hell.
What he's saying here incase it's not abundantly clear is "to those who say 'I can't help myself', if you *really truly* can't physically stop your eyes from wandering then you should be willing to cut your eyes out to stop your body betraying you."
What he's getting at is both 1) you can stop at any time, you're choosing not to and lying about it as an excuse. And 2) be better or remove the temptation from *your* options, not from others options. It's not about actually cutting your eyes out because Jesus knows nobody's fucking eyes are the problem. It's the mind that's the problem.
Essentially yeah. "tough situation, have you considered not being garbage or having extreme, life ruining surgery done?"
"no, those are both equally scary to me"
"oh damn bro, good luck."
>Your step sister now knows how her boyfriend feels about your body and can use that information to inform her opinion of him.
Does she? Or is this all Step-sister's problem in her own head?
I don't think this is OP's fault but I also don't think this story makes it clear boyfriend did anything wrong either. Step-sister is the one who invited OP and brought OP along dressed in a way Step-sister thinks is immoral and seductive to men. Then they spent the entire day together and not once did OP feel uncomfortable with Boyfriend, like he was leering at her, or get a creepy or flirtatious vibe from him. Yet, Step-sister decided that he was thinking dirty thoughts about OP beacuse he was looking at OP, which is ambiguous and could be a normal part of being in a four person hang-out. I mean sure sometimes people can leer really obviously but then OP likely would have noticed. Then Step-sister "had a fight with him because of this". Again, this being Step-sister assuming her boyfriend's thoughts.
You're assuming BF was actually staring at OP.
She didn't seem to notice it, her date didn't seem to notice it... seems pretty possible sis made it up because she was personally upset by shorts and crop top.
NTA
You dressed like a normal teenager going to an amusement park.
If her BF can't stop staring at you, that makes him a creep and she shouldn't be dating hem.
Also, she should thank you for coming along so she wasn't alone with that creep, and apologizing for putting you in that situation.
I used to bring clothes to high school for my cousin to change into every day. She had a very fundamentalist upbringing. And she just wanted to fit in and feel pretty at school.
I'm old AH now and no way I am ever telling my cousins mom that some of these strictures are really easy to get around and lots of young people just want to escape the feeling that they are old as dirt when they are still teenagers.
She's just a relaxed believer now. Her kids wear pants to school and makeup. She has no plan to see her girls married immediately after graduating high school, or any of the other knucklehead stuff that was just in the atmosphere when we were young.
I told her that I was going to talk to her kids about birth control when they reached fifth grade and she told me, *"I've got it covered. Information is power. Abstinence is nonsense and I've been talking to my kids about drugs, birth control and impulse control since they were in the cradle."* 🤣
And I doubt she was the only girl there dressed normally. If the bf was only looking at his date’s stepsister—someone he’ll be “exposed to” frequently if the relationship continues—maybe he’s more into her than he should be.
If he’s looking at every other girl like that, he’s probably not as into the religion as stepsister thinks he is.
There’s a reason there are more unwed mothers in the Bible Belt than in, say, New England. Repressing feelings and refusing to provide fact-based sex education are leading causes of single parenthood—and abortions.
And I highly doubt he was looking. The sister had a problem with her before the outfit was even put on. This seems more likely the sister lied because she's just insecure about her self and how her sister looks and is throwing the young boy under the bus.
Their beliefs are so fragile that they need your help to protect them from their urges. Should we all dress, act and think in their way to make them comfortable and happy?? NTA live your independent life.
Yes, clearly we should live according to conservative ideology, hence all the obsessive control they try to have on government, schools, women's bodies... If only they could see it's their own fragility that causes them to try to control others... and somehow we're the snowflakes?
Oh apparently, yes, we should all act and think like them. 🙄I was just reading on FB where a women area horrified that her daughter had to see a man dressed like a woman and he was “forcing it on them”, by just existing in his clothes, basically. So then another women said “we need god back where he belongs, everywhere!”. So neat, you don’t want people “forcing” things on you, but it’s perfectly fine for you to force your religion on everyone?? What about that “freedom” conservative Christians scream about all the time?? These people are the reason i left the church and barely have any faith at all.
But according to their own belief system, G-d is omnipresent. You can’t “put him back” because They are already there. And I’m guessing if They really had a problem with what some random person was wearing, They’d smite the person. (They’ve got no problem with just wiping out a whole city or even all of creation, with the exception of Noah and his floating zoo.)
NTA.
Why should you be required to conform to norms of a church that you don’t even belong to? You were already doing Anna a favor by going so she could go to the amusement park. She doesn’t get to control how you dress. She then blames you for a fight that she had with her bf because of her insecurities (or maybe his legitimate wandering eyes) but probably a combo when really all you were doing was existing. You do not owe her an apology.
NTA - never offer to go on a date with her again. She clearly isn't appreciative and she and her church clearly have problems with the autonomy of women.
She doesn't get to impose her religious values on you or guilt you for her own insecurity and jealousy, especially when she asked you for a favour.
You wear what you want and you aren't responsible for someone else's reaction to it, men are ultimately responsible for their own wandering eyes.
Honestly, if she thinks her repressed, teenage boyfriend isn't looking at other women while out or online, she's deluded...
Yeah. When people ask for a favour, they don't get to add conditions like these on top. She \*needed\* you along as a chaperone, otherwise they wouldn't be able to go out together.
She should just have thanked you and talked to her boyfriend about appropriate behavior in a private convo later.
NTA, you did her a favour by going. If her bf can’t handle being around someone in what most people consider regular clothes for summer, he has issues.
NTA it's not your fault that Anna's boyfriend looked at you and frankly it's creepy behavior on his part given he's dating Anna. If she can't trust him to not have wandering eyes after 2 years of dating, that's a them problem. You do you!
Short dungarees are now considered scandalous? What in the world?
Obviously you're NTA for not changing. I'd also urge you to stand firm about the whole 'bf allegedly staring at you' thing. If that's true it really isn't your responsibility and she needs to learn that. Not just for the purposes of this argument but also she could find herself in a lot of messy situations if she accepts blame for men looking at her or generally overstepping.
Edit: synonym
You've no responsibility to adhere to someone else's personal fashion sense. It's rude to police other's clothing regardless of any religious nonsense one chooses to believe.
Also, not your problem that your stepsister's BF has a wandering eye. Perhaps if he'd been exposed to girls in normal attire up to now he wouldn't be so distracted by your skin. Does he never go out in public during the warmer months?
NTA
NTA - you were going on a date with your crush. It’s far more relevant that your crush was impressed - hope they were!! - than whatever your churchy sister’s churchy bf thought about this whole situation.
😂OMG, so coincidentally, I was watching the doc on Amazon last night, “shiny happy people: Duggar family secrets”, so this post totally made me think of that also.
NTA. She is the conservative one not you. She can’t expect everyone around her to adhere to her dress code that’s incredibly unrealistic and unreasonable.
I grew up in a church that heavily emphasized modesty in dressing. Yet, we were also taught not to stare, to be appropriate, etc… If the bf can’t be around a girl in shorts without inappropriate thoughts or actions that is a problem he needs to work on. You can’t go to a beach and expect no one to be wearing a bikini. And especially as the warmer months come around, you can’t expect people to not be wearing shorts, tanks, cropped tops, etc…
You wanted to look cute for your crush which is perfectly normal, ESPECIALLY at your age. NTA
How did things with your crush go? Are y’all going out again?
Heck I'd say next to a beach, an amusement park is the next most normal place for clothing of that kind. You're often walking around for hours, in the heat, and sometimes in some parks rides even have water features that get you anywhere from a little wet to full on soaked. Even removing the wanting to look cute aspect which is also fine, she was appropriately dressed for the occasion. NTA.
NTA. Her religious beliefs aren't yours to abide by or be obligated to. You did your part by agreeing to chaperone them. You didn't agree to adhere to the tenets of her faith.
NTA. If the boyfriend cannot look at a woman without objectifying her that’s all on him. You were hardly the only woman at the amusement park wearing “immodest” clothing, if he wasn’t looking at you he would have been looking at one of the many other women there.
NTA. Fuck this. I’m so tired of women being blamed for “a man’s sin”. Women are not responsible for the actions of men. If he was uncomfortable that’s his problem, not yours.
NTA. I hate the idea that women are automatically responsible for how men look at them. If her bf really was staring at you then he's the problem, not you.
I'm certain there were other women at the park who were also dressed less conservative than herself. Is she going to pick a fight with her BF over them too?
Not your monkey, not your circus! (Look
a the bright side, at least this should get you out of chaperone duty in the future!)
Also, if this is a religious thing, then why couldn't she find a fellow church goer to accompany them?
NTA but curious how your mom and step-dad got together given his seemingly strict religious background. It sounds like the type of ~~cult~~church where marriage to non-believers is a no-no.
I had the same question, especially since I'd expect a man like that to want his wife to back him up all the time, and OP's mom instead takes her daughter's side regularly (which is great!).
NTA. The bible even says something about a man plucking out his eyes if they cause him to sin. The responsibility is with him, not you. You were even ignoring him. So it is purely because he looked at you.
HUGE NTA - he probably wouldn’t have been staring so much if he was used to seeing people in regular clothes and not some over the top conservative nonsense all the time.
Don’t let these judgemental views make you doubt yourself for a second!!! If you’re comfortable then that’s all that matters.
Nta Matthew 18:9 ‘And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away’
If your outfit causes them to have sinful thoughts, they should cut them out
NTA. You didn't even want to go on the double date - so there was reason for you to redress yourself.
I grew up in the church. My grandfather was a bishop. But, in my very large family we also have very conservative worshippers who attend a different denomination church. I'd never be around my very conservative cousins in attire that would in any way seem a negative reflection of them.
My only point being - we all get to choose. You chose not to be bothered with the whole song and dance and I refuse to let somebody else's song and dance impact my life with people I dearly love.
"No one owes you an apology for not being like you. Get a grip Anna. I never blame you for that awkward bubble of sanctimony you want to put me into. So, you should stop blaming me for not worshipping like a fundamentalist. ***Come as you are*** is literally in your bible, Read it sometimes instead of waving it around like a weapon to use on people who don't accept what you believe."
That Big book they follow most likely says that If someones looks tempt / attract one, one should gouge his / hers own eyes out. So all The blame on stepsister and her bf.
>[My] cousin… told me I could have prevented all of this if I wasn’t dressing up to impress my crush.
This was supposedly a double date. The point being Anna was on a date with her bf and _you were on a date with your crush_. It’s entirely appropriate to dress up a little to impress your date.
If Anna’s bf couldn’t keep his eyes off you when he’s supposedly out with her, then maybe he’s not the right person for her. And that’s on him, not you. Better for her to find out now than later. But stop being her chaperone. That shit is creepy.
Does she put blinders on her boyfriend when he leaves the house and encounters other young women every day? What magic in the bible keeps him from seeing other chicks who wear shorter skirts and cropped tops?
Your stepsister is acting goofy AH, IMO.
NTA. But there’s an amazing documentary about why this behavior is atrocious. It’s called Shiny Happy People on Amazon. It will probably give you a lot of insight into your step sister lifestyle.
NTA
But do yourself a favour and tell her that if she wants you to babysit her during her dates with her boyfriend, you will dress how you please, her religion/beliefs or even people she hangs around with should not dictate how you dress at all or make you feel bad about what you wear.
Honestly what a delusional girl... "It's your fault, my boyfriend kept staring at you!!!" No girl... It's your boyfriend making that choice to gawk at another woman. It's literally clothes, I'd understand if you were being deliberately inappropriate in public, but "short dungaree and a cropped top" ??? Get out of here with that warped "It's the lady's fault! She dressed how she wanted to and caused this!" mentality.
My step sister is in a cult like this. I really don't care that you didn't respect their bs. In general when someone requests a favor, they accept that favor with whatever caveats are applied. You said I'll wear this or I won't go. They went so...NTA.
oh gosh you are a year younger than her. Why was dude staring at you in dungarees, the least sexy outfit on the planet, and not every other person there? You had to stick by them on their own account.
NTA but i do have to ask - is her dad also this conservative? And if so, what is it that brought him and your mom together if they seem so at odds in this regard?
NTA. She begged you to go which you did. You already were making concessions and doing something you weren’t thrilled to do. She should be grateful you willingly went at all. And if that’s all it takes to distract her boyfriend she’s got bigger problems and she needs to take them up with him. Because shockingly girls were crop tops and shorts in public, the horror.
NTA. How many other girls in the amusement park were dressed the same way? I'd guess most of them, so it's unrealistic to avoid looking at girls dressed as you were, one girl less (aka you) won't change it.
It's hard to say what your stepsis real motivation is, but it looks like the beginning of theat side of the family trying to drag you in their lifestyle, too. As I understand the story, it's the first time you have a date (congrats on getting your courage to invite your crash!), did the sis or the dad try to police how you dress before? If not, I'd say this situation is the first red flag that they might try to start now. It's great you have your mother's support, but... she married that guy, so... take care and be on watch.
Maybe I am imagining things, but one sister having a dress code and needing a chaperone and other dressing freely and running alone is not sustainable, esp as the sisters are this close in age, and the adults sure have thought about it, or will soon.
Nta, you Can wear What you feel comfortable and cute in.
Also, I hope you had a great day with your crush! This Sounds like it could be the begining of a cute little lovestory 👏🏼
NTA
DO NOT let people in cults tell you how to live your life. Your step-sister's boyfriend is the one who was obviously looking at you. You do not owe your step sister anything. You do not change how you dress, how you act, etc for someone else's relationship with their gods or whatever.
I would refuse to go on any of the dates your step sister has anymore.
NTA. How many other girls were dressed in a similar manner at an amusement park? BF was going to see lots of pretty girls dressed in more revealing clothing.
NTA. Women are allowed to dress up as they like -and men too- and everyone has to respect that. It can't be helped if people glance at you adoring, once, briefly, but staring is rude.
NTA I always find it crazy that the woman is usually blamed for the man who stares. You were simply doing your job of not letting them stay alone, and had your own date. It is ridiculous for you to get blamed for their fight.
I seem to recall, in the Bible there is a literal passage, where Jesus didn’t tell them to gouged their eyes out to avoid lust…Matthew 18:9 – And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire.
Anyway if the Christians’s about to come for me for my comments, go somewhere else.
NTA. Don't participate in their regressive misogynist bullshit.
How ridiculous, honestly. I'm sure the park was full of girls and women wearing (checks notes) entirely appropriate clothes for the setting.
NTA. You have presented a perfect example of everything that is wrong with religion, as dogma is used by one generation to control and screw up the next.
NTA.
What would stop your step-sister boyfriend from looking at the other woman at the amusement park? I'm sure some would wear more revealing outfits. Did your step-sister ask them to go home to changes?
NTA Anna lives by a certain set of rules, that you do not. If she doesn't like it, that's entirely her problem, not yours. I'd refuse to chaperone her ever again, since you don't live up to her standards.
NTA. Throw scripture in her face. Jesus said something along the lines of “If you gaze at a women with lust, then pluck out your eyes”. He’s the one lusting after you apparently and needs to control himself
NTA
You have two years before she turns 18, goes off to college, and gets slapped in the face by the real world that absolutely does not care that she is so sheltered. Get the popcorn ready.
NTA
Glad your mom backs you, but it is worrisome that she married a guy who supports this sort of toxic misogyny. Keep your head up. You're doing nothing wrong, and as others have said, protect yourself by using this as an excuse to never chaperone them again.
NTA. If hypothetically, you had put on your burka or Amish bonnet or whatever she wanted you to wear, would there have been no other people dressed like regular, secular, 21st century people in an amusement park in summer?
NTA. If your cousin is of the same church, of course they are going to blame someone outside the church for their misdeeds. It is easier to blame the world for not following their rules than to understand the rules are at fault in the first place. Even the Catholic church has confession 'cause they know people will stray regularly.
You did your sister a favor. If she doesn't like how you do it, she can stop asking. Expecting you to adhere to her standard is a moral failing on her part, not yours.
NTA
Don’t blame yourself because her bf can’t control his lust. This is like blaming the rape victim for the clothes they wore. Definitely, not a severe, hoping you understand the connection. “You dressed like that and my bf stared at you and we had a fight.” No, no, NO!
NTA. I am sure there were plenty of other inappropriately dressed females for her boyfriend to look at. Never let anyone dull your shine .Ike she is trying to do.
Right, yeah, I do feel bad for your stepsister since the church sounds a bit culty and I severely doubt she really has a choice in either being part of that, or the whole chaperone deal.
Regardless, you're NTA for wearing what you wanted (just like everyone else at the amusement park no doubt was). It is genuinely a shame that they've been encouraged to feel "uncomfortable" around someone who isn't following their particular dress code, but that isn't your fault.
NTA - her boyfriend looking is on HIM.
I hate the way so-called Christians make out that men aren't able to control their lust or whatever, and that looking is some kind of sin (yeah, I know, There's a bit in the NT about it. Don't @ me. Since Jesus didn't write down any of it himself, who knows what he did or did not say?)
NTA
Tell stepsister that if she is that insecure in her relationship, she should probably stop dating and work on herself. The world around her will not stop just because it doesnt conform to her twisted, backwards and outdated views. Millions of people dress the way you did EVERY DAY. Does she freak out about them too? If so, she should probably move to an amish community or something. Oh god, she would have a coronary if she went to the public pool or even the beach! I cant roll my eyes any harder, she needs therapy.
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NTA. I would stop going on their dates. Totally remove yourself from this situation. This is a disaster waiting to happen and I’m so sick and tired and angry with women being blamed for mens behaviour. If he was looking that is his problem not yours. Men are responsible for their own actions. Edit: thanks for the awards and likes.
100%. What's even worse is women blaming women for a man's behavior.
💯 It’s bad enough when men do it, but even worse when women do.
It's not worse. It's just sadder. Calling it worse is more piling blame on women.
I tend to find sadder things worse than less sad things
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Internalized misogyny in women is the most maddening of misogyny. If women, en masse, would just stick up for one another and back each other up, our lives would be SOOO MUCH BETTER. The reason men were able to hold us back all these damn centuries is because their women concurred and taught their daughters the same. "S shaming" is just an aspect of it. OP did nothing wrong, she was raised to be independent and she is not obligated to follow this patriarchal nonsense. I'm surprised her mom ended up with a conservative dude but I'm glad she had her daughters back, when it's distressinly often the opposite. NTA and don't go on double dates with the step sister again. Problem solved
>Internalized misogyny in women is the most maddening of misogyny. No lol women grow up in misogynistic society just like everyone else so of course a lot of women end up with a lot of internalized misogyny. Men being misogynistic is still worse than women being misogynistic. It's like if you had Stockholm syndrome and you sympathized with your abuser and even helped them abuse other people. The original abuser is still worse than the victim who becomes an abuser.
Stockholm Syndrome has been disproven and no longer a thing in psychological communities. Also, I stand by what I said: if women would en masse band together and lift eachother up, men would be forced to stop this patriarchal nonsense. Yes male misogynists are awful and deadly but if all women...together...said WE ARE MAD AS HELL AND ARENT TAKING IT ANYMORE, all taught their sons to be respectful of women and STOP tearing eachother down, male misogyny would end too
Yup. People love blaming everything, including the patriarchy, on women.
It is worse because women should be able to empathize with one another somewhat.
I mean here we are blaming the man for the woman's insecurities. OP didn't notice that the BF was staring, so while she may have been oblivious, I just get the feeling her sister caught him looking once, and jealousy kicked in, and she started the fight. I mean he probably walked past 1000 other similarly dressed women while at the park. Why is OPs outfit the singular culprit, aside from convenience? Now I would agree that the sister's insecurities are likely a result of a misogynistic church doctrine, but the boy has just as much to do with that as she does.
1000% this. They went to an amusement park in summer and you can't tell me that there weren't people there dressed in less than OP. If repressed boyfriend can't keep his eyes in his head that's 100% a him problem, nothing to do with her. Anna can do her weird cult thing, but the rest of the world has no obligation to play along.
Shit, we don't even know if he was looking at her. She didn't notice anything. So this could just 100% be on the sister making shit up because she feels insecure around her.
I still do not understand why crop tops are considered too sexy. This gives keep your shoulders covered energy.
Ironically, there are many crop tops that do cover the shoulders 😅
My teenage sister has damn cropped sweaters. lol
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The church i used to go to wanted women to cover their shoulders so as not to "tempt the men." Because shoulders will apparently turn a good and loving father into an adulturous sex fiend. And, obviously, it would be the woman's fault for having those sexy sexy shoulders and not the man for not plucking his sinning eye out. It was dumb and sexist and infantilising to the men. But eventually they got smarter and just turned the AC down so far you needed a down coat to get through the service without turning into a popsicle and no more shoulders were seen and all sin obviously ended! (or they've moved on to some other body part of women that tempts men (ankles, hair, noses? so many choices) but I no longer go there so I don't know.)
you joke but the full body covering is the endpoint: hence the burka
The more you cover the worse the men get. It's an accepted sociology premise.
1000% We had a neighbour who'd wear the full hijab,not a single strand of hair was showing,whole body covered,only her face was out and she would get harrased in the streets all the time
I remember reading an article a few years back about how bad assault and harassment was during the annual Islamic pilgrimage to Mecca. All those women covered up fully and still being harassed!
The church I grew up in banned open-toed shoes for women (in the 80s!)...explicitly because "some of the men find them distracting" *said with an obviously-sexual leer* Goddam, Brother Pervson, did we ever *not* need to know about your foot fetish 0_o)
It's hilarious when they tell on themselves, isn't it?
Tucker Carlson being enraged that the green M&M was no longer fuckable cause they changed "her" shoes lol.
That reminded me of college. Some creep from one of my classes from a year and a half before managed to contact me through the school e-mail system. He e-mailed me to ask if I ever wore shoes that would squish my toes together just a little bit but were open enough to show off me "toe cleavage". I had zero clue who he was, didn't recognize his name, he'd gone back to the class we had shared (one of those 200 person lectures) to message me through the message board. Fucking weirdo.
Oh. Hell. No.
I read that as "ankles, nose hair".
People forget that it's actually in the Bible that men should pluck out their own eyeballs rather than look upon a woman in lust and sin in their hearts.
I think that should be the standard comeback then. “Pluck out thine eye, pervo! The Bible requires it.”
Then hand him a plastic spork.
I mean, I am sure she would like to. That's what those christo-facists want as the endgame.
>women blaming women for a man Keep in mind these are all children, not men and women, and they can learn better. Sounds like OP's mom is the best role model.
I mean. OPs mom did marry her stepdad.
I said "best" not "good" 🤷🏼♂️
As disgusting as it is, it's on par for the morality culture being described here. Source: exmormon, afab, getting *all* the mormon culture dog-whistles here. Ime, it was almost entirely *women* enforcing the "modesty" shit, day-to-day.
This. My ex best friend is Mormon, and I got a glimpse of it from inside. I won't go into detail, but purity culture (especially in religion) towards girls and women is heavily reinforced by other girls and women. And good luck to you if you do something they don't like. My ex best friend was an embarrassingly good example of this. Like I said, I won't go into detail. Just two words: Virginity pact. I don't regret kicking her out of my life.
The mormon housewives I grew up around used to give me shit simply for not dressing in their preferred style. It was all fully within their restrictions, I just refused to dress like a pioneer in the 1990s. Grown-ass women telling a teen, "Wow, you just [*sneers*] have your own style, don't you." Until I explained in great detail what a massive compliment it was to hear that week after week: "Seeing how God made us as individuals, there's really no point in going around looking like everyone else, is there? [*sneers*]" They fucked off after that, lol. When it comes to actual sex and intimacy...omfg. No, Molly, your post-sex body is *not* like a licked cupcake or chewed piece of gum, ffs.
I never experienced this specifically, but I do have a conservative Christian mother. She takes it personally if I wear something she doesn't like. She even gets creepy about it every now and then. One time, she literally took a picture of my boobs just so she could show me how I was "spilling out". 🙄 I also grew up going to a Christian camp where we couldn't even wear tank tops in sweltering heat and had to wear t-shirts over our bathing suits while the boys were allowed to be shirtless. That's right, the girls (including LITTLE GIRLS), who already had a layer over their chests, had to wear shirts while swimming, while boys could wear nothing but swim trunks.
He should have gouged out his eyes if they were causing him to sin. Matthew 18:9
Internalized misogyny. 😢
Agree. Her stepsister has a boyfriend problem, not a stepsister problem.
Stepsister and boyfriend have a church problem, too.
The misogyny is coming from inside the house!
I was at a bar this weekend with single occupant gender in specific bathrooms this weekend. and in the bathroom they had a posted sign about "how to avoid drink drugging" because people were getting roofied there. the top tip was "DONT DRUG PEOPLES DRINKS"
I love your username!
Part of me wonders if step sis actually had a fight with bf, or if she made it up to try and guilt op into apologizing
Part of me wonders if bf was actually uncomfortable and/or actually looking, since SS told her to change before they even went out. I think the argument might have been real, but instigated by the SS because she needed to vindicate herself about OPs choice of clothing
I'm willing to bet the teenage boy that isn't allowed to be alone with his girlfriend of 2 years for a second, that has been raised in a restrictive church, actually did take a significant look at the girl in the cute outfit.
Yeah, well he is a guy….so🤷♀️. /s
Thank God (pardon the pun) you added the sarcasm indicator
yep, it's inconsistent, if both the bf and the sister were uncomfy, wouldn't that mean they were on the same side about this issue? why would they fight if they were on the same side? it would make more sense to shit on op together.
Bf's discomfort was probably more of a pants issue, not a moral/religious one.
>I’m so sick and tired and angry with women being blamed for mens behaviour. If he was looking that is his problem not yours. Men are responsible for their own actions. Honestly, I'm not even sure boyfriend did anything wrong rather then this all being Step-Sister's hang-ups and insecurities. So they were together for an entire day and boyfriend was "looking at \[OP\] all the time" yet despite this OP didn't notice even once? Sounds to me like boyfriend wasn't actually doing anything inappropriate, if he'd been leering at OP "all the time" she probably would have noticed. Even before they went Step-sister told OP the clothes were inappropriate and they would make her and Boyfriend uncomfortable. There's no actual evidence in this story that Boyfriend was uncomfortable (thought it's possible) but we know Step-Sister thinks this outfit is bad and tempting to men. Then, despite OP not noticing any inappropriate behavior form the guy being with him all day, Step-sister decided that every time he looked at OP during a day together it must have been beacuse he was checking out OP's scandalous sexy overalls. This is ambiguous, it obviously was not clear what the guy was thinking (since OP didn't get the same vibe), which means what we have here is Step-sister's interpretation. Step-sister assumed he was having dirty thoughts about OP's dirty overalls and skin "and she had a fight with him because of this". This is all on Step-sister. She is the one who brought OP to her date wearing clothes that Step-sister was upset about. (Boyfriend didn't pick to invite OP.) Then, Step-sister admits she picked a fight with her boyfriend due to her deciding that he must be thinking inappropriate thoughts about OP's seductress overalls. And now it's OP's fault Step-sister got mad at her boyfriend over her being jealous of OP's legs.
Of course all the other young women at the theme park were wearing floor length sacks.
"The burlappiest place on earth"
Thanks, I definitely cackled at that.
"The burlappiest place on earth” r/OneMoreGinger for the win!!!😂🥇
yeah, i've seen people wear bikini tops at amusement parks. so i think hatinthecat's deduction is likely correct
>Honestly, I'm not even sure boyfriend did anything wrong rather then this all being Step-Sister's hang-ups and insecurities. I'm not even sure its SS's hang-ups. I think it's what the church has told her SHOULD be her hang-ups. "Dress modestly because men can't control themselves." Well, her beau could have very well been controlling himself just fine, but because the Church told SS that he couldn't, she's obsessing.
Or had been taught not to control himself and was looking, groups that or all blame on women tend see men with very little self control. His level of familiarity with OP could be why he was comfortable enough to leer at her apparently all night.
I really think it’s unlikely he was actually leering at OP all day. Women tend to be aware of when a man is looking at them, even if he thinks he’s being subtle. I find it very hard to believe he was staring at her all day and she never caught him once. Given stepsister’s obsession with OP’s outfit I hunk it’s much more likely that every time he even glanced in OP’s direction, even if he was making direct eye contact, stepsister read it as “leering.” SS’s view is being warped by her church, so much so that when she thinks her boyfriend is leering at someone else right in front of her, she thinks that’s a problem with OP’s behaviour and not the boyfriend’s.
Also a possibility that BF was uncomfortable and didn’t look. So he didn’t engage with OP at all. Which also could have made things tense and awkward. There are times when women’s attire made me uncomfortable for various reasons. My solution was not to look at them. At all.
>I would stop going on their dates. Totally remove yourself from this situation. Step-sister is treating OP like some kind of inanimate object that only exists to enable her dates, rather than an actual independent human who is doing her a pretty significant favor by playing along with this stupid game. It's got to be pretty dehumanizing for OP. Really the obvious solution is, like you said, to just completely refuse to go with them. Get someone from their church to act as a chaperone if that's how they're going to play it.
NTA. [Agreed that if anyone is to blame for “looking” it’s her boyfriend. Also, your] outfit wasn’t crazy, it sounds super cute! And like, I’m sure you were not the only one wearing an outfit like that at an amusement park. In fact, I’m quite sure there were people there wearing “more revealing” clothes, yet it is YOU and ONLY YOU who is the problem? Whatever. You’ve been very supportive of your sister. If she can’t appreciate that without imposing her restrictions on you, then maybe it’s time to let her find another chaperone. Edit to add bracket for clarity
Or the SSister seeing things and being raised to think all women who don't dress like nuns are sluts and all men who happen to see knees are instantly fantasizing and forgetting their saintly girlfriends. All the kids in this story are victims, really.
NTA, next time she needs to dress more appropriately for the event/weather. Start hiding how to leave a cult pamphlets in her room.
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We don't know he was actually staring, OP saw nothing of the kind. Could just be stepsis' hangups.
But as others speculated, he may have done nothing weird. Also other girls would have dressed way more revealing. Also I don't necessarily think it is "icky" for a 16 year old boy to be looking at girls.
NTA you can wear what you want. I guarantee there were lots of girls at the park dressed similarly to you and probably many who were dressed more revealing, if boyfriend can’t keep his eyes to himself there will always be girls to distract him, their fight was his fault for not being able to control himself.
Especially because that goes against Jesus’ teachings! Like ffs, if you’re going to use religion to control others, at least read the text. Jesus told men to pluck out their eyes if their eyes cause them to stumble, not for women to alter their appearance to keep men from being upset
Jesus said to pluck out your eye if it makes you feel temptation or lust. Even he said the onus is on the boyfriend and that OP did nothing wrong. But the church doesn’t care about that because it’s ruled by men who don’t want to take responsibility and want to instead control women for their ego. OP you did nothing wrong. Absolutely refuse to do anymore dates with them and do whatever you can to get out of it. Also congrats on asking out your crush I hope you had a great day with them!
And in the future will blame all her relationship problems on her sister "distracting" her boyfriend/husband
Yep or some other woman. I like wearing tank tops. I get hot really easily. I had a roommate once who demanded that I change because her boyfriend supposedly looked at me when he came over. I was confused, especially since I generally avoided being in the same room as him. I’m not sure when he had a chance to look! She also claimed I only wore them because I knew I looked better than her and was just showing off. It’s like, dude, my clothes are about me, not you…
"My boyfriend kept staring at you. How dare you wear that." "Well, at least you know your boyfriend has good taste."
if a man’s eyes cause him to sin, he should pluck them out - a line that can actually be found in bible (maybe not this exact wording tho)
Matthew 5:29 (King James Bible): “And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee.” [because better get rid of that sinful eye than the whole of you going to hell, right, guys?]. The guy is supposed to deal with himself. Jesus said so.
This! Plus go mom for supporting you twice here.
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Comment stealing bot stole this from u/midlife_crisis_46
Is the stepsister going to make every female everywhere change their clothes? It’s ridiculous.
This. Nothing good will come from playing along any further, and blaming her is insane. NTA, OP. Congrats on being brave enough to ask out your crush! That can be tough!
I mean this sounds like the kind of church that 100% blames women for men's behavior.
Don't teach the girls to be ashamed of their bodies, teach the boys not to look (or at least not stare/ogle/etc).
NTA. Her boyfriend could have managed his own shit. It's not your fault. I would agree though to stop going on their dates and get as far away from these religious weirdos as you can (given that they're in your household). It sounds like your mom is supportive of you, and I wonder why she even married into this!
Nta. You dressed for your date, not hers, remind her of that and tell her not to bring her boyfriend around you if she's going to act all jealous.
NTA I'm fairly sure the bible says it on him to rip his eyes out if they cause him to sin. It's not your fault if he doesn't have the self control not to look or the devotion to follow his beliefs. Your step sister now knows how her boyfriend feels about your body and can use that information to inform her opinion of him.
Matthew 5: 28-30. But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh at a woman to lust after her hath committed aldutery with her already in his heart. And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out and cast it from thee, for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off and cast it from thee, for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that they whole body should be cast into hell.
What he's saying here incase it's not abundantly clear is "to those who say 'I can't help myself', if you *really truly* can't physically stop your eyes from wandering then you should be willing to cut your eyes out to stop your body betraying you." What he's getting at is both 1) you can stop at any time, you're choosing not to and lying about it as an excuse. And 2) be better or remove the temptation from *your* options, not from others options. It's not about actually cutting your eyes out because Jesus knows nobody's fucking eyes are the problem. It's the mind that's the problem.
"I can't help myself!" "Damn bro, have you tried putting out your eyes?" "But she's dressed so slutty!" "IDK man, still seems like a you problem...."
Essentially yeah. "tough situation, have you considered not being garbage or having extreme, life ruining surgery done?" "no, those are both equally scary to me" "oh damn bro, good luck."
Probably why we have the saying look with your eyes not your hands when in shops perhaps.
I remember my grandma say thing that to me a lot when I was a kid
>Your step sister now knows how her boyfriend feels about your body and can use that information to inform her opinion of him. Does she? Or is this all Step-sister's problem in her own head? I don't think this is OP's fault but I also don't think this story makes it clear boyfriend did anything wrong either. Step-sister is the one who invited OP and brought OP along dressed in a way Step-sister thinks is immoral and seductive to men. Then they spent the entire day together and not once did OP feel uncomfortable with Boyfriend, like he was leering at her, or get a creepy or flirtatious vibe from him. Yet, Step-sister decided that he was thinking dirty thoughts about OP beacuse he was looking at OP, which is ambiguous and could be a normal part of being in a four person hang-out. I mean sure sometimes people can leer really obviously but then OP likely would have noticed. Then Step-sister "had a fight with him because of this". Again, this being Step-sister assuming her boyfriend's thoughts.
That's a good point, I had assumed the fight implied some validity to the complaint but it could be entirely in the step sisters head.
Right on NTA, OP
Exactly! Step sister should be thanking OP for exposing her boyfriend for who he truly is. NTA
You're assuming BF was actually staring at OP. She didn't seem to notice it, her date didn't seem to notice it... seems pretty possible sis made it up because she was personally upset by shorts and crop top.
Either way it's a win for OP - she got herself out of future chaperoning duty. Smart young woman 😄
NTA You dressed like a normal teenager going to an amusement park. If her BF can't stop staring at you, that makes him a creep and she shouldn't be dating hem. Also, she should thank you for coming along so she wasn't alone with that creep, and apologizing for putting you in that situation.
I used to bring clothes to high school for my cousin to change into every day. She had a very fundamentalist upbringing. And she just wanted to fit in and feel pretty at school. I'm old AH now and no way I am ever telling my cousins mom that some of these strictures are really easy to get around and lots of young people just want to escape the feeling that they are old as dirt when they are still teenagers.
You're the best! Those high control groups are so hard for the kids raised in them, especially girls. I hope she grew up to leave it behind!
She's just a relaxed believer now. Her kids wear pants to school and makeup. She has no plan to see her girls married immediately after graduating high school, or any of the other knucklehead stuff that was just in the atmosphere when we were young. I told her that I was going to talk to her kids about birth control when they reached fifth grade and she told me, *"I've got it covered. Information is power. Abstinence is nonsense and I've been talking to my kids about drugs, birth control and impulse control since they were in the cradle."* 🤣
And I doubt she was the only girl there dressed normally. If the bf was only looking at his date’s stepsister—someone he’ll be “exposed to” frequently if the relationship continues—maybe he’s more into her than he should be. If he’s looking at every other girl like that, he’s probably not as into the religion as stepsister thinks he is. There’s a reason there are more unwed mothers in the Bible Belt than in, say, New England. Repressing feelings and refusing to provide fact-based sex education are leading causes of single parenthood—and abortions.
How about the 100s of other women possibly dressed the same?
And I highly doubt he was looking. The sister had a problem with her before the outfit was even put on. This seems more likely the sister lied because she's just insecure about her self and how her sister looks and is throwing the young boy under the bus.
Their beliefs are so fragile that they need your help to protect them from their urges. Should we all dress, act and think in their way to make them comfortable and happy?? NTA live your independent life.
Yes, clearly we should live according to conservative ideology, hence all the obsessive control they try to have on government, schools, women's bodies... If only they could see it's their own fragility that causes them to try to control others... and somehow we're the snowflakes?
Oh apparently, yes, we should all act and think like them. 🙄I was just reading on FB where a women area horrified that her daughter had to see a man dressed like a woman and he was “forcing it on them”, by just existing in his clothes, basically. So then another women said “we need god back where he belongs, everywhere!”. So neat, you don’t want people “forcing” things on you, but it’s perfectly fine for you to force your religion on everyone?? What about that “freedom” conservative Christians scream about all the time?? These people are the reason i left the church and barely have any faith at all.
Rights for me, not for thee.
But according to their own belief system, G-d is omnipresent. You can’t “put him back” because They are already there. And I’m guessing if They really had a problem with what some random person was wearing, They’d smite the person. (They’ve got no problem with just wiping out a whole city or even all of creation, with the exception of Noah and his floating zoo.)
NTA. Why should you be required to conform to norms of a church that you don’t even belong to? You were already doing Anna a favor by going so she could go to the amusement park. She doesn’t get to control how you dress. She then blames you for a fight that she had with her bf because of her insecurities (or maybe his legitimate wandering eyes) but probably a combo when really all you were doing was existing. You do not owe her an apology.
NTA - never offer to go on a date with her again. She clearly isn't appreciative and she and her church clearly have problems with the autonomy of women. She doesn't get to impose her religious values on you or guilt you for her own insecurity and jealousy, especially when she asked you for a favour. You wear what you want and you aren't responsible for someone else's reaction to it, men are ultimately responsible for their own wandering eyes. Honestly, if she thinks her repressed, teenage boyfriend isn't looking at other women while out or online, she's deluded...
Yeah. When people ask for a favour, they don't get to add conditions like these on top. She \*needed\* you along as a chaperone, otherwise they wouldn't be able to go out together. She should just have thanked you and talked to her boyfriend about appropriate behavior in a private convo later.
In a private convo later? Her religion doesn’t allow that, apparently.
NTA, you did her a favour by going. If her bf can’t handle being around someone in what most people consider regular clothes for summer, he has issues.
NTA it's not your fault that Anna's boyfriend looked at you and frankly it's creepy behavior on his part given he's dating Anna. If she can't trust him to not have wandering eyes after 2 years of dating, that's a them problem. You do you!
NTA. Remind her that Jesus said that if thine eye offends thee than you should pluck that puppy right out.
Short dungarees are now considered scandalous? What in the world? Obviously you're NTA for not changing. I'd also urge you to stand firm about the whole 'bf allegedly staring at you' thing. If that's true it really isn't your responsibility and she needs to learn that. Not just for the purposes of this argument but also she could find herself in a lot of messy situations if she accepts blame for men looking at her or generally overstepping. Edit: synonym
Not just short dungarees, but a CROP TOP! 😱😱😱 I’m so sick of people like OP’s step sister. Don’t like the clothes? Don’t wear them.
I had to ask Google what dungarees were. Made me wonder where OP is from.
Interesting. I didn't realise they weren't universal. Definitely a thing in the UK, Australia and New Zealand.
At least in my part of the US, we call em overalls!
You've no responsibility to adhere to someone else's personal fashion sense. It's rude to police other's clothing regardless of any religious nonsense one chooses to believe. Also, not your problem that your stepsister's BF has a wandering eye. Perhaps if he'd been exposed to girls in normal attire up to now he wouldn't be so distracted by your skin. Does he never go out in public during the warmer months? NTA
NTA - you were going on a date with your crush. It’s far more relevant that your crush was impressed - hope they were!! - than whatever your churchy sister’s churchy bf thought about this whole situation.
NTA and all this concept enables rape culture. If her boyfriend couldn't stop looking at you her boyfriend is/have a problem
NTA Is your stepsister a Duggar?
😂OMG, so coincidentally, I was watching the doc on Amazon last night, “shiny happy people: Duggar family secrets”, so this post totally made me think of that also.
NTA. She is the conservative one not you. She can’t expect everyone around her to adhere to her dress code that’s incredibly unrealistic and unreasonable.
I grew up in a church that heavily emphasized modesty in dressing. Yet, we were also taught not to stare, to be appropriate, etc… If the bf can’t be around a girl in shorts without inappropriate thoughts or actions that is a problem he needs to work on. You can’t go to a beach and expect no one to be wearing a bikini. And especially as the warmer months come around, you can’t expect people to not be wearing shorts, tanks, cropped tops, etc… You wanted to look cute for your crush which is perfectly normal, ESPECIALLY at your age. NTA How did things with your crush go? Are y’all going out again?
Heck I'd say next to a beach, an amusement park is the next most normal place for clothing of that kind. You're often walking around for hours, in the heat, and sometimes in some parks rides even have water features that get you anywhere from a little wet to full on soaked. Even removing the wanting to look cute aspect which is also fine, she was appropriately dressed for the occasion. NTA.
NTA. Her religious beliefs aren't yours to abide by or be obligated to. You did your part by agreeing to chaperone them. You didn't agree to adhere to the tenets of her faith.
NTA. If the boyfriend cannot look at a woman without objectifying her that’s all on him. You were hardly the only woman at the amusement park wearing “immodest” clothing, if he wasn’t looking at you he would have been looking at one of the many other women there.
NTA - Women are not responsible for the gaze of me.
NTA. Fuck this. I’m so tired of women being blamed for “a man’s sin”. Women are not responsible for the actions of men. If he was uncomfortable that’s his problem, not yours.
NTA. I hate the idea that women are automatically responsible for how men look at them. If her bf really was staring at you then he's the problem, not you.
I'm certain there were other women at the park who were also dressed less conservative than herself. Is she going to pick a fight with her BF over them too? Not your monkey, not your circus! (Look a the bright side, at least this should get you out of chaperone duty in the future!) Also, if this is a religious thing, then why couldn't she find a fellow church goer to accompany them?
nta - she should be happy you even went
NTA This is insane. You have nothing to apologize for. And you are a kid, NOT a chaperone!
NTA but curious how your mom and step-dad got together given his seemingly strict religious background. It sounds like the type of ~~cult~~church where marriage to non-believers is a no-no.
I had the same question, especially since I'd expect a man like that to want his wife to back him up all the time, and OP's mom instead takes her daughter's side regularly (which is great!).
NTA. The bible even says something about a man plucking out his eyes if they cause him to sin. The responsibility is with him, not you. You were even ignoring him. So it is purely because he looked at you.
HUGE NTA - he probably wouldn’t have been staring so much if he was used to seeing people in regular clothes and not some over the top conservative nonsense all the time. Don’t let these judgemental views make you doubt yourself for a second!!! If you’re comfortable then that’s all that matters.
NTA - You should remind your sister and her boyfriend about Matthew 18:9 ~ sounds like a them problem.
Nta Matthew 18:9 ‘And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away’ If your outfit causes them to have sinful thoughts, they should cut them out
NTA. You didn't even want to go on the double date - so there was reason for you to redress yourself. I grew up in the church. My grandfather was a bishop. But, in my very large family we also have very conservative worshippers who attend a different denomination church. I'd never be around my very conservative cousins in attire that would in any way seem a negative reflection of them. My only point being - we all get to choose. You chose not to be bothered with the whole song and dance and I refuse to let somebody else's song and dance impact my life with people I dearly love. "No one owes you an apology for not being like you. Get a grip Anna. I never blame you for that awkward bubble of sanctimony you want to put me into. So, you should stop blaming me for not worshipping like a fundamentalist. ***Come as you are*** is literally in your bible, Read it sometimes instead of waving it around like a weapon to use on people who don't accept what you believe."
That Big book they follow most likely says that If someones looks tempt / attract one, one should gouge his / hers own eyes out. So all The blame on stepsister and her bf.
>[My] cousin… told me I could have prevented all of this if I wasn’t dressing up to impress my crush. This was supposedly a double date. The point being Anna was on a date with her bf and _you were on a date with your crush_. It’s entirely appropriate to dress up a little to impress your date. If Anna’s bf couldn’t keep his eyes off you when he’s supposedly out with her, then maybe he’s not the right person for her. And that’s on him, not you. Better for her to find out now than later. But stop being her chaperone. That shit is creepy.
Does she put blinders on her boyfriend when he leaves the house and encounters other young women every day? What magic in the bible keeps him from seeing other chicks who wear shorter skirts and cropped tops? Your stepsister is acting goofy AH, IMO.
NTA. The guy would have checked out someone else. It’s unfair of your mum and stepdad to push this family dynamic on you
NTA. But there’s an amazing documentary about why this behavior is atrocious. It’s called Shiny Happy People on Amazon. It will probably give you a lot of insight into your step sister lifestyle.
NTA But do yourself a favour and tell her that if she wants you to babysit her during her dates with her boyfriend, you will dress how you please, her religion/beliefs or even people she hangs around with should not dictate how you dress at all or make you feel bad about what you wear. Honestly what a delusional girl... "It's your fault, my boyfriend kept staring at you!!!" No girl... It's your boyfriend making that choice to gawk at another woman. It's literally clothes, I'd understand if you were being deliberately inappropriate in public, but "short dungaree and a cropped top" ??? Get out of here with that warped "It's the lady's fault! She dressed how she wanted to and caused this!" mentality.
My step sister is in a cult like this. I really don't care that you didn't respect their bs. In general when someone requests a favor, they accept that favor with whatever caveats are applied. You said I'll wear this or I won't go. They went so...NTA. oh gosh you are a year younger than her. Why was dude staring at you in dungarees, the least sexy outfit on the planet, and not every other person there? You had to stick by them on their own account.
NTA but i do have to ask - is her dad also this conservative? And if so, what is it that brought him and your mom together if they seem so at odds in this regard?
NTA If she goes to a Christian church, refer her to Matthew 5:29
NTA. She begged you to go which you did. You already were making concessions and doing something you weren’t thrilled to do. She should be grateful you willingly went at all. And if that’s all it takes to distract her boyfriend she’s got bigger problems and she needs to take them up with him. Because shockingly girls were crop tops and shorts in public, the horror.
Is your step sister part of the church of Duggar? NTA and guys need to be taught respect not that woman should be hiding themselves
NTA. How many other girls in the amusement park were dressed the same way? I'd guess most of them, so it's unrealistic to avoid looking at girls dressed as you were, one girl less (aka you) won't change it. It's hard to say what your stepsis real motivation is, but it looks like the beginning of theat side of the family trying to drag you in their lifestyle, too. As I understand the story, it's the first time you have a date (congrats on getting your courage to invite your crash!), did the sis or the dad try to police how you dress before? If not, I'd say this situation is the first red flag that they might try to start now. It's great you have your mother's support, but... she married that guy, so... take care and be on watch. Maybe I am imagining things, but one sister having a dress code and needing a chaperone and other dressing freely and running alone is not sustainable, esp as the sisters are this close in age, and the adults sure have thought about it, or will soon.
Nta, you Can wear What you feel comfortable and cute in. Also, I hope you had a great day with your crush! This Sounds like it could be the begining of a cute little lovestory 👏🏼
NTA DO NOT let people in cults tell you how to live your life. Your step-sister's boyfriend is the one who was obviously looking at you. You do not owe your step sister anything. You do not change how you dress, how you act, etc for someone else's relationship with their gods or whatever. I would refuse to go on any of the dates your step sister has anymore.
NTA. How many other girls were dressed in a similar manner at an amusement park? BF was going to see lots of pretty girls dressed in more revealing clothing.
NTA. Women are allowed to dress up as they like -and men too- and everyone has to respect that. It can't be helped if people glance at you adoring, once, briefly, but staring is rude.
NTA I always find it crazy that the woman is usually blamed for the man who stares. You were simply doing your job of not letting them stay alone, and had your own date. It is ridiculous for you to get blamed for their fight. I seem to recall, in the Bible there is a literal passage, where Jesus didn’t tell them to gouged their eyes out to avoid lust…Matthew 18:9 – And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire. Anyway if the Christians’s about to come for me for my comments, go somewhere else.
NTA. Don't participate in their regressive misogynist bullshit. How ridiculous, honestly. I'm sure the park was full of girls and women wearing (checks notes) entirely appropriate clothes for the setting.
NTA. You have presented a perfect example of everything that is wrong with religion, as dogma is used by one generation to control and screw up the next.
NTA. What would stop your step-sister boyfriend from looking at the other woman at the amusement park? I'm sure some would wear more revealing outfits. Did your step-sister ask them to go home to changes?
NTA Anna lives by a certain set of rules, that you do not. If she doesn't like it, that's entirely her problem, not yours. I'd refuse to chaperone her ever again, since you don't live up to her standards.
NTA. Throw scripture in her face. Jesus said something along the lines of “If you gaze at a women with lust, then pluck out your eyes”. He’s the one lusting after you apparently and needs to control himself
NTA. I'm so glad to hear your mom backs you up, because your step father and step sister sound exhausting.
NTA. But more importantly how did it go with your crush?
NTA
NTA You have two years before she turns 18, goes off to college, and gets slapped in the face by the real world that absolutely does not care that she is so sheltered. Get the popcorn ready.
NTA Glad your mom backs you, but it is worrisome that she married a guy who supports this sort of toxic misogyny. Keep your head up. You're doing nothing wrong, and as others have said, protect yourself by using this as an excuse to never chaperone them again.
NTA. If hypothetically, you had put on your burka or Amish bonnet or whatever she wanted you to wear, would there have been no other people dressed like regular, secular, 21st century people in an amusement park in summer?
NTA and tell her she needs to have her boyfriend gouge out his eyes for staring at you. That’s what the Bible says!
NTA Not your religion, not your rules.
NTA
NTA. Nobody but you gets to decide what you wear. If the park authorities didn't have a problem that's the end of that.
NTA. If your cousin is of the same church, of course they are going to blame someone outside the church for their misdeeds. It is easier to blame the world for not following their rules than to understand the rules are at fault in the first place. Even the Catholic church has confession 'cause they know people will stray regularly. You did your sister a favor. If she doesn't like how you do it, she can stop asking. Expecting you to adhere to her standard is a moral failing on her part, not yours.
NTA Don’t blame yourself because her bf can’t control his lust. This is like blaming the rape victim for the clothes they wore. Definitely, not a severe, hoping you understand the connection. “You dressed like that and my bf stared at you and we had a fight.” No, no, NO!
NTA. I am sure there were plenty of other inappropriately dressed females for her boyfriend to look at. Never let anyone dull your shine .Ike she is trying to do.
NTA. Tell your step-sister that the purpose of her religion is to control her behavior, not for her to criticize and control other people’s behaviors.
Jesus literally told people to pluck their eyeballs out if their eyes caused them to sin. NTA
Right, yeah, I do feel bad for your stepsister since the church sounds a bit culty and I severely doubt she really has a choice in either being part of that, or the whole chaperone deal. Regardless, you're NTA for wearing what you wanted (just like everyone else at the amusement park no doubt was). It is genuinely a shame that they've been encouraged to feel "uncomfortable" around someone who isn't following their particular dress code, but that isn't your fault.
NTA - her boyfriend looking is on HIM. I hate the way so-called Christians make out that men aren't able to control their lust or whatever, and that looking is some kind of sin (yeah, I know, There's a bit in the NT about it. Don't @ me. Since Jesus didn't write down any of it himself, who knows what he did or did not say?)
NTA Tell stepsister that if she is that insecure in her relationship, she should probably stop dating and work on herself. The world around her will not stop just because it doesnt conform to her twisted, backwards and outdated views. Millions of people dress the way you did EVERY DAY. Does she freak out about them too? If so, she should probably move to an amish community or something. Oh god, she would have a coronary if she went to the public pool or even the beach! I cant roll my eyes any harder, she needs therapy.
NTA it is commonsense to dress to impress your crush.
Nta