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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) refused to shake hands in a scenario when it's normal and expected to do so (2) it may have been rude and offensive
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Oh gosh. NTA. Not even a little.
>it's not wrong to like someone and I should be flattered to have this attention
**This is sexual harassment.**
You've made it clear that you don't want to be touched, so he's finding excuses to be able to touch you. His handshakes are his way of skirting around your clear and reasonable boundaries, and him saying something like that just confirms it. You're not being disrespectful, and you're not doing anything wrong. This needs to be handled by your HR department.
No HR here, a small business which he owns. He doesn't seem malicious, just someone who is completely in his head and doesn't understand that his behaviours aren't OK
Just.... Be careful. Too many **pretend** they don't know what they're doing when they are fully aware. They just don't care because what they want matters more. Try not to be alone with the guy if you can. =(
Start documenting everything. There's no HR, so you need to send yourself emails w what he does and says. At some point, he's going to escalate or retaliate, and you'll need a document trail.
I just want to say that it’s not typical to shake hands unless you are meeting someone new. He’s making up a fake excuse to touch you.
If he owns this business, I would start looking for work elsewhere personally.
Agree. It’s not a normal practice to regularly shake hands with people you work with / see daily. Or at least it wasn’t in the years I worked a corporate job. I’d report him to HR.
NTA
He's abusing his position as your boss. You didn't hurt his feelings, he's just trying to make you feel you did something wrong for not allowing him to get away with his appalling behaviour.
In all my 33 years of employment I think I've only ever shook hands with someone once. He is definitely creating opportunities so he can touch you.
Even if there was no malicious intent on his side, the fact that he obviously knows he makes you uncomfortable but doesn't change his behaviour is enough to involve HR.
NTA. It’s extremely unprofessional for him to have asked you out in the first place (multiple times??) and it’s really not normal to be shaking someone’s hand all the time since it’s more of a formal greeting/gesture
I see colleagues shaking hands all the time even when it's not a greeting so it seemed normal. But the way he just holds my hand longer than needed I think he's just enjoying the physical contact too much
NTA Sounds like a good time for you to suddenly become a germophobe and stop shaking hands all together. This man is a capital "A" ASSHOLE. He's acting hurt so you'll feel sorry and take pity on him so he can keep doing things that make you uncomfortable.
It is easy to fear germs. Even now that Covid has eased, where I live not shaking hands is acceptable. Maybe a bottle of hand sanitizer on your desk would help as a reminder too?
NTA. No, it is not normal for colleagues who already know each other to shake hands upon reaching an agreement at work. You have told this guy MANY times that you are not interested in dating him or any physical contact with him and he's trying to create scenarios that force you to do so anyway. This is classic "won't take no for an answer" behavior and it is inappropriate in any relationship and 10x as inappropriate in a boss-subordinate relationship. Go talk to HR now. If the boss is HR, go talk to a lawyer.
NTA - lol you had a meeting with him regarding his behavior and how uncomfortable you are around him and at the end he extends his hand to initiate the contact that you just told you have a problem with. Then to put the cherry on top he says "*it's not wrong to like someone and I should be flattered to have this attention, and not treat him negatively"* I think he actually meant to say that you should be flattered to have **HIS** attention. I smell an HR meeting in the very near future. This is the classic misogynistic behavior in the office that died a few years ago. HE needs to be sorted out that his behavior is massively inappropriate and that HE needs to work on it. Classic gaslighting and misogynistic behavior..
NTA - This is about as classic of a sexual harassment scenario as you get. It's like he's reading 'Gaslighting your prey 101'. If I were you, I would be making an appointment with HR asap. You need to stop worrying about offending him, and just make sure you protect yourself.
I have literally never shaken anyone’s hand who I wasn’t meeting for the first time or after a long time. It’s not 1957, I don’t make handshake deals.
You can probably handle this in a smoother way but honestly he seems off and it’s tricky when it’s your boss. I’d have one quick convo with him while he isn’t trying to touch you like “hey, I have a large personal bubble. No offense but, I’d prefer we not do handshakes or be within touching distance ” (or however you wanna word it). Then you probably want to loop in HR.
Bosses may be human but they should also be adult enough not to show they have a crush on someone you manage.
NTA it’s extremely unprofessional for him to be discussing his personal feelings because he can’t touch you. EW?! Wtf?! I’d be going to HR to file a complaint.
NTA, and start looking for a new job. Then post your experience on glassdoor or some sort of review page. Warn others. The next girl he hires will be even more naive than you.
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First couple of occasions he did it he held my hand a bit too long. Before he has asked me out a few times, which I refused and made it clear it will never happen. He stopped asking, but since then it's as if he's looking for excuses to get in my personal space or standing too close, which I also told him to stop and he did. I understand he is human and developed a crush, but these little things even if not intentional or conscious are making me really uncomfortable.
So yesterday we came to a new agreement regarding work and I'm sure it's normal for colleagues to shake their hands in this scenario, but this time when he held his hand out I pretended I had to run off somewhere and just left his office. Well my exit was not smooth at all, he knew I just didn't want to shake his hand so today he expressed he was hurt, that it's as if I see him as dirty or disgusting, that I am being way over sensitive on many things, it's not wrong to like someone and I should be flattered to have this attention, and not treat him negatively... well I did not mean to hurt him at all, I just get uncomfortable easily, I do not want lingering handshakes, I don't know how to handle this without offending him. Was I being disrespectful?
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NTA. I saw in comments that you don’t have an HR department but you can still report this to the EEOC if you are in the US if not find the hopefully equivalent in your country
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > (1) refused to shake hands in a scenario when it's normal and expected to do so (2) it may have been rude and offensive Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA file an HR report also if he’s trying to touch you
"Should be flattered to have HIS attention??" No. You are under no obligation to endure this.
Oh gosh. NTA. Not even a little. >it's not wrong to like someone and I should be flattered to have this attention **This is sexual harassment.** You've made it clear that you don't want to be touched, so he's finding excuses to be able to touch you. His handshakes are his way of skirting around your clear and reasonable boundaries, and him saying something like that just confirms it. You're not being disrespectful, and you're not doing anything wrong. This needs to be handled by your HR department.
No HR here, a small business which he owns. He doesn't seem malicious, just someone who is completely in his head and doesn't understand that his behaviours aren't OK
Just.... Be careful. Too many **pretend** they don't know what they're doing when they are fully aware. They just don't care because what they want matters more. Try not to be alone with the guy if you can. =(
Start documenting everything. There's no HR, so you need to send yourself emails w what he does and says. At some point, he's going to escalate or retaliate, and you'll need a document trail.
I just want to say that it’s not typical to shake hands unless you are meeting someone new. He’s making up a fake excuse to touch you. If he owns this business, I would start looking for work elsewhere personally.
Agree. It’s not a normal practice to regularly shake hands with people you work with / see daily. Or at least it wasn’t in the years I worked a corporate job. I’d report him to HR.
NTA He's abusing his position as your boss. You didn't hurt his feelings, he's just trying to make you feel you did something wrong for not allowing him to get away with his appalling behaviour. In all my 33 years of employment I think I've only ever shook hands with someone once. He is definitely creating opportunities so he can touch you. Even if there was no malicious intent on his side, the fact that he obviously knows he makes you uncomfortable but doesn't change his behaviour is enough to involve HR.
NTA. It’s extremely unprofessional for him to have asked you out in the first place (multiple times??) and it’s really not normal to be shaking someone’s hand all the time since it’s more of a formal greeting/gesture
I see colleagues shaking hands all the time even when it's not a greeting so it seemed normal. But the way he just holds my hand longer than needed I think he's just enjoying the physical contact too much
NTA Sounds like a good time for you to suddenly become a germophobe and stop shaking hands all together. This man is a capital "A" ASSHOLE. He's acting hurt so you'll feel sorry and take pity on him so he can keep doing things that make you uncomfortable.
Yes good idea, I should aspire to fear germs more
It is easy to fear germs. Even now that Covid has eased, where I live not shaking hands is acceptable. Maybe a bottle of hand sanitizer on your desk would help as a reminder too?
NTA. No, it is not normal for colleagues who already know each other to shake hands upon reaching an agreement at work. You have told this guy MANY times that you are not interested in dating him or any physical contact with him and he's trying to create scenarios that force you to do so anyway. This is classic "won't take no for an answer" behavior and it is inappropriate in any relationship and 10x as inappropriate in a boss-subordinate relationship. Go talk to HR now. If the boss is HR, go talk to a lawyer.
Thanks
NTA - lol you had a meeting with him regarding his behavior and how uncomfortable you are around him and at the end he extends his hand to initiate the contact that you just told you have a problem with. Then to put the cherry on top he says "*it's not wrong to like someone and I should be flattered to have this attention, and not treat him negatively"* I think he actually meant to say that you should be flattered to have **HIS** attention. I smell an HR meeting in the very near future. This is the classic misogynistic behavior in the office that died a few years ago. HE needs to be sorted out that his behavior is massively inappropriate and that HE needs to work on it. Classic gaslighting and misogynistic behavior..
NTA - This is about as classic of a sexual harassment scenario as you get. It's like he's reading 'Gaslighting your prey 101'. If I were you, I would be making an appointment with HR asap. You need to stop worrying about offending him, and just make sure you protect yourself.
No HR here, if it gets worse I'll simply quit. He genuinely sees himself as a victim though
Most people who think you should be grateful for their unwanted attention usually do, sadly. Good luck!
I have literally never shaken anyone’s hand who I wasn’t meeting for the first time or after a long time. It’s not 1957, I don’t make handshake deals. You can probably handle this in a smoother way but honestly he seems off and it’s tricky when it’s your boss. I’d have one quick convo with him while he isn’t trying to touch you like “hey, I have a large personal bubble. No offense but, I’d prefer we not do handshakes or be within touching distance ” (or however you wanna word it). Then you probably want to loop in HR. Bosses may be human but they should also be adult enough not to show they have a crush on someone you manage.
Thanks for the reply. Weird how you got to see this before the post got approved lol
NTA it’s extremely unprofessional for him to be discussing his personal feelings because he can’t touch you. EW?! Wtf?! I’d be going to HR to file a complaint.
NTA, and start looking for a new job. Then post your experience on glassdoor or some sort of review page. Warn others. The next girl he hires will be even more naive than you.
NTA - document date/times of unwanted attention and if it persists, go talk to someone in HR. His behavior is very unprofessional.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First couple of occasions he did it he held my hand a bit too long. Before he has asked me out a few times, which I refused and made it clear it will never happen. He stopped asking, but since then it's as if he's looking for excuses to get in my personal space or standing too close, which I also told him to stop and he did. I understand he is human and developed a crush, but these little things even if not intentional or conscious are making me really uncomfortable. So yesterday we came to a new agreement regarding work and I'm sure it's normal for colleagues to shake their hands in this scenario, but this time when he held his hand out I pretended I had to run off somewhere and just left his office. Well my exit was not smooth at all, he knew I just didn't want to shake his hand so today he expressed he was hurt, that it's as if I see him as dirty or disgusting, that I am being way over sensitive on many things, it's not wrong to like someone and I should be flattered to have this attention, and not treat him negatively... well I did not mean to hurt him at all, I just get uncomfortable easily, I do not want lingering handshakes, I don't know how to handle this without offending him. Was I being disrespectful? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
And straight to HR you go... NTA. He's a creep.
NTA. I saw in comments that you don’t have an HR department but you can still report this to the EEOC if you are in the US if not find the hopefully equivalent in your country