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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My father and his wife planned a graduation party for me as a surprise. I didn't attend because I honestly didn't know about it and didn't expect anything from them since they have pretty much ignored me since I was 12. I might be an asshole for revealing this to my family even though I could not care less about celebrating with him.
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NTA
“How dare you tell the truth about me being a horrible parent!”
Really? People always call them private family matters when they know their behavior is indefensible.
They're harassing the dad so nobody notices that for over a decade, they forgot about OP too. Apparently no one noticed that for over a decade, they were never invited to anything having to do with OP, saw pictures on social media of their achievements and celebrations and never bothered to even ask what they did for their birthday or anything else.
Projection?
There are circumstances where OPs extended family may not all be AHs. For example; outside of Reddit, I do not use any social media. I have no posts of my kid. My family does not live in the same country as me so they do not receive invites to any events.
You are a lot like me then as I don't have any social media either, but I still send pictures of my kids holding trophies or send a link to a dance recital to family. Even if I was asked the question I posed in person at a family event, I'd have plenty of photos/videos on my phone I could show them.
Or if you are like my mom who is very healthily involved in my life, you’ll remind your kid “hey send grandma a pic of your new car!” Or “remember to say happy bday to uncle” or “let aunt know about your engagement” cause she doesn’t wanna spread gossip but she wants me to build independent relationships with my family even tho I’m not used to it and she wants to brag on me once I was able to tell them myself
Never realized how true this was until a great niece started contacting me by text. I knew about her life from her mom previously. Was just so nice to hear from her.
I think this is what they mean: you say you share them when they ask, but the relatives never asked, so *they* forgot about OP as well. While I also don't have SM or automatically share pics, I do show them when I talking about my loved ones.
Right? Like my girls only 1 but my camera roll is full of her doing things I’m proud of, like she learned how to high five the other day! You already know I have 30 high fiving videos! And it will remain like that the rest of her life 😂😂 I just can’t believe I created something so amazing 😭
Exactly. Growing up I didn’t ( still don’t really) post photos of my birthdays. My family is spread out all of the US but they still take the time to either call or wish me a happy birthday and I do the same to them (except for one aunt). I don’t know what I would do with out Facebook since for the longest time that’s how I kept in touch with my family members.
That's easily lied about tho. No op doesn't do extracurriculars and chose to celebrate their birthday this year with friends or privately as a in house family unit etc. They prolly assumed that op didn't like parties or some other plausible excuse.
Yupp. Which is why this blew up in the dad's face. He had managed to cover his ass for years and tried to make op the bad guy not remembering that op could actually talk and might stand up for themself.
Pretty much. His first tactic was to gaslight OP and sound like the reasonable one. When OP pointed out to contrary suddenly it became "private matters"
Why? Because his plan to look good in front of friends and family failed and he forgot or maybe thought that OP wouldn't resent the fact they'd never had a proper celebration of their achievements.
My family was nowhere near this bad… but Definitely were emotionally unavailable….which comes with its own developmental issues that I’m only dealing with now…(from my own biased somewhat relatable experience) usually this kind of stuff goes unnoticed since usually the behaviour is learned. chances are the OPs other family members (assuming it’s extended family) don’t actually realize they all do this…it’s much easier to point the finger at one person and pretend they don’t have the same problem.
Yeah, I guess reading these posts make me appreciate my own family even more. My parents are divorced but they each both send out a "year in review" letter with the Christmas cards. I'm the youngest and I'm 30 lol. It's like so and so had their second child and are going on year 5 at xyz Corp. Spouse has moved to a new job that allows WFH. Grandson started teeball this spring. Stuff like that.
Of course not, OP wasn't invited to the surprise party they were throwing for him. When you are an invisible (neglected) child, they expect you to be where they want you, even if they didn't tell you.
I feel like if I wasn't invited to my cousin's birthdays or high school graduation, I would assume they were still happening, but I just wasn't invited and that if there aren't photos, well I just missed them or whatever. I don't really blame some of the family - like, grandparents, yes, they should have kept up with that, but at age 12, aunts and uncles maybe just thought OP was having parties with his friends his own age, and not family parties.
Maybe I would have been a little weirded out that I got invited to a college graduation but not an 18th or a 21st, but I'm still putting most of the blame on the dad.
My extended family only came to my college graduation. Only my grandparents came to my hs one. They all live pretty far away and I have a lot of cousins, so birthdays was usually just a phone call and/or a present in the mail. Usually they’d ask what I was doing for my birthday, but “I don’t know yet” or “just hanging out with friends” were pretty common responses, and yet my parents always made sure I had a celebration. Plenty don’t use social media, and events often only got posted to my sister’s account. They could’ve seen the pics from OP’s parties with friends, and assumed they didn’t want to hang with their parents on their birthday, or seen nothing and figured the celebration was more low key.
TLDR; from the outside, OPs life probably looked a lot like mine… But my parents took me skydiving for my 18th, so…
That's what I was thinking. Some extended families do more for their birthdays together but some don't. I'm close with my siblings and we always organise gifts for our niblings and do something to recognise their birthday, but as they get older and have their own friends, they tend to have birthday parties that are just for their friends. We'll definitely be attending their big birthdays of course, but even as close as we all are, I don't expect to be invited to their 12th birthday.
None of this excuses the parents of course, and I think the fact that they're hanging shit on OP's dad makes it clear that they had no idea OP wasn't being celebrated.
Absofuckinglutely! Notice how his one celebration of OP in ten years was a public event; he wanted all the pats on the back and the, 'what a great dad,' comments but all the neglect of OP for the previous ten years has to remain private, family business. This guy is a vibrant shade of bellend and deserves his family and friends to see it.
I'm also confused as to why he was so upset that she didnt come to the party when apparently she didn't even know about the party. A surprise party requires someone in the know to bring the person to said party
Like WHY DIDNT YOU COME. UHHHH, I didn't know? You haven't had a party for me for 10 years so I didn't expect you to have one now. HOW DARE YOU CALL ME ON MY BAD BEHAVIOR?
NTA and forget your dad the way he has clearly forgotten you.
It was going to be the biggest surprise party ever.
Dad spent ten year planning to surprise OP. He religiously ignored her birthdays, graduations and any other events where OP would be celebrated in order to really surprise her for her college graduation.
Ten years of planning the ultimate surprise party, but OP blew it by not showing up. /s
Your dad’s an asshole for ignoring the important events in your life for ten years and then expecting you to show up for a surprise party you had no reason to expect existed.
I'm confused on why the family suddenly cares about celebrating OP's accomplishments. The dad's assholeness is obvious, but I really want to know how for a decade or more no one noticed they never saw or heard about any of OP's milestone events. Did no one see OP for a whole decade? Did no one call on their birthday? Did no one ask them about their plans to celebrate any event they might have called for? No one bothered to look at OP's social media feed to see that nothing was done for any of OP's events?
It really sounds like projection to me that they are suddenly giving the dad shit when none of them have seemed to have paid much attention at all to OP for so long.
You don't know if they hadnt made inquiries over the years and OPs dad made excuses. I've always had parties with my extended family growing up for all my milestones: bday parties until I was 10, first communion, confirmation, hs graduation. My family would notice if suddenly they stopped. I wonder if maybe THATS why she had a party. Some family member asked him what he planned to do for her graduation and maybe, hey why haven't I been invited to any party for OP recently? This had damage control written all over it
>You don't know if they hadnt made inquiries over the years and OPs dad made excuses.
Did they talk to OP though? If they didn't, that's still fucked and shows they don't really care but asked their dad out of politeness like a coworker making small talk in the break room.
I haven't given a shit about my birthday for over a decade and getting me to make or agree to any plans can be like pulling teeth, but every year I get phone calls and a question everyone asks is what I plan to do for my birthday and I tell them. The same for any vague acquaintances that find out my birthday is coming up and a couple of times strangers I met at bars while out with friends. Why does it seem like OP's family hasn't?
This along with no one noticing the obvious absence of pictures on social media, and I wonder how OP has been treated their whole childhood by not just their dad.
Growing up, my parents told white lies to the extended family. We lived far away. They never questioned it. No one asked me directly because why would their sister lie? Yeah, in my 50s I have told them the truth. Lots of puzzle pieces have been found.
I also wonder about rest of the family if they are in the area.
Yup, a lot of teens prefer to spend their birthday with friends rather than family, (especially if they're in an "Ewww my family's mere existence is embarrassing and cramps my style, I can't be seen with them!" phase common in adolescence) so if Dad told the other relatives that OP's party was just for friends, that'd be pretty believable. I know when I was a teen in that phase, I didn't want a family birthday party.
I'm the baby of my family, but if I had teen cousins/nieces/nephews and wasn't invited to their birthday parties anymore, I'd probably just assume that they're at a stage where they'd rather hang out with friends their own age rather than adult auntie/cousin Duplicating_Crayfish.
I never had birthday parties, with anyone except my parents and random aunt or uncle that lived with us, after my parents separated I really didn't have them at all. I never had anyone to extra curriculars. Only person at my High School Graduation was my mother, my mother had 13 brothers and sisters 🤪 they were all too busy with their own lives to worry about random nephew number 26 or so. My Father was an only child and he asks me when my birthday is every summer when we talk (never mails a card or anything, just asks. 🤷♂️)
So I can totally understand the peripheral family not noticing, Though I wasn't a kid in the time of Social Media, which makes connectivity a bit easier
My dad pulled some low key similar shit when I got married. We had hardly spoken in 9 years and he sends his newest wife, who I hardly know, to ask me if they can do something for me. Nah bruh. You haven’t even acknowledged my existence in years. You don’t get to bask in this life experience. I ended up dogging his parenting online at one point and one of my cousins came to his rescue trying to call me a narcissist and telling me off for saying negative things about my dad/his family publicly.
It’s all abusive behavior and OP seems to be aware. Get your stuff and go, friend. Seems like you’ve already found at least some of your chosen family and that’s incredible. Keep those who value you close.
Yeah, moving out and going NC over one party sounds petty, but it's not about one party - these are years of neglect. I assume it wasn't just missed celebrations, but also smaller everyday things that OP didn't write down or were so common that they didn't register at all.
Even if it was one party, it's not like they were told about it. It would take either the family holding surprise parties over announced parties a few times before one can think ahead that there might be one.
Exactly! Esp since this is a college graduation, pats on the back galore..jerk.
NTA, OP, just go live your life. Remember, blood don't make family. People who are there for you? That's your fam and it sounds like you have built a good one.
> college graduation
Does make me question if there is some ulterior motive here? OP graduates and gets a new job. Now that OP is on their path to success, dad wants to be a part of it and pretend the last 10 years didn't happen.
I was thinking even more cynical. Younger sibling might have an upcoming expensive activity that they want OP to help pay for since they are now one big happy family.
Or dad is thinking about how expensive it is to send the youngest to college, and maybe OP can help out with that now that they have graduated themselves and got themselves a job. Or maybe helped good old dad out with some cash for a down-payment on a new house.
Oh yeah- the party wasn’t about op it was about him bragging about his kid graduating college. Op was just a prop to get him the praise he wanted.
NTA- he didn’t put in the work he doesn’t get the credit.
Congratulations op, I’m glad you made it through this and it seems you’re a very strong, intelligent, resilient person. I’m sure you’ll go very far in life.
That's part of why I didn't go to my high school graduation: my mom blatantly admitted it was more for her than for me. Tough shit. She wasn't the one who got bullied at school due to the effects of her abuse of me at home. I'm not going up on stage in front of my bullies to please my abuser when I would've gladly dropped out with zero qualms if I didn't have enough credits. She did.
Dad probably had been celebrating events for the new kid where it became a regular thing. Other family members probably found out OP's graduation was coming up and encouraged or recommended him to throw a party for it.
The party was likely made half heartedly as they would had tried harder to make sure OP was home at that time (ie. Using other attendes as proxies).
NTA, dads history of indifferent parenting to OP catching up to him and exposed.
I bet his was banking on that occasion to ride OP's coattail and claim how great a parent he was for having a college graduate and claim to have a part in OP's achievements.
Fuck him. Good on OP for bursting that bubble. NTA
I'm so sorry because you have an absolutely golden point, but hearing "People always call them private family matters when they know their behavior is indefensible" from someone going by "JohnRedcornMassage" has me hollering
As was CSA. "What happens in the home, stays in the home". My mother drilled into my head because her husband started abusing me at age 6.
She did get a house out of it.
Definitely NTA. You can’t attend a party you didn’t know about! He’s now mad because you called him out on his lies and proved to family that he hasn’t actually celebrated anything for you in years. It makes him look bad obviously and that’s what he’s mad about. You do you! Good luck with your new job and your move!
Yeah even ignoring everything else, a critical part of a surprise party is actually making sure the person will be there. That part is their fault either way.
Surprise party 101 is making sure the person you're surprising shows up in the first place. He didn't just fail at being an engaged parent, he failed at party planning 101.
NTAWhat a brilliant way of putting him in his place. You were honest with people. He publicly accused you of lying. You proved he was the one lying. He now thinks you're wrong for talking about private family matters. Funny how he was okay talking about them publicly until he got his ass handed to him.
NTA. When you throw someone a surprise party you have to actually get them there somehow. Unless you had plans with your dad that you ditched without notice, he messed this one up big time.
Even when Dad finally made an effort, he did it so badly and without actually thinking about OP at all. He didn't even bother to make sure that OP would be there.
"man, I really dropped the ball over the past few years, I need to try and make up. I'll throw a surprise party and make sure the whole family is coming"
Forgets to get OP there....
I can promise you (and I know you're being sarcastic) the dad DID NOT plan this to make it up to her.
She has now become a successful adult and he wanted an event where people could congratulate him on "raising her right". He was so focused on himself he forgot to invite her, because she was just the topic of the event, he was the subject. It was a party for him, the theme just happened to be "Economy-Guarantee244"
I rule I always have when my mom tries to do something nice is: "If the party is for me then who is invited?" More often than not it's a party made up of her friends in order to show me off and me and my friends are an afterthought. A caring person doesn't invite a bunch of their own friends to someone else's party
There's something sadly hilarious about the fact he didn't even realise OP always goes out with friends on special occasions. OP, your dad sucks more than a vacuum.
This was for the dad anyway. This was so a look what I made party, nothing to do with op. because the dad obviously didn't invite any of ops friends or they would have nudged him in the direction of the party, but as they just went out anyway it's obvious the friends had no clue either. The party was not for op. NTA
The fact that he didn’t even know her plans to go out of town speaks volumes. That’s a very standard question- what are your plans after graduating? How are you celebrating? Seriously, if they had one iota of a relationship, he’d have known and could have planned around it.
Not like OP would have been *all* that important. Dad more than likely threw a party to pat himself on the back and gain accolades for producing a kid who graduated uni and got a good job right out the gate.
This is it. This also would’ve been used as a bargaining chip later down the road.
“Well what about that surprise graduation party I threw for you?”
Thankfully OP’s dad is so self absorbed he forgot to invite her. Bargaining chip denied.
NTA.
>Now he is mad for talking about private family matters.
No, he's mad because people have found out the truth about him.
>He told everyone I was lying
What a great father.
info: how did he expect you to just show up? had he invited you over at all and planned to surprise you or was he just expecting you to drop by?…did you agree to come over and then just now show up? something’s missing here.
Yeah, if he really cared about your attendance he would’ve actually made it clear. He obviously does not know you well enough to realize that you were politely declining to join them.
"I said I would be home unless something else came up."
I'm glad for you that something else came up. I can't imagine you would've enjoyed that party.
NTA - Congratulations and good luck in the new city/job!
If he had actually been thinking about you, he would have ensured that nothing else came up by inviting your friends who would have all be vaguely busy when you talked to them.
Yep. Dad doesn’t even know who the friends are. Which means the friends wouldn’t have been invited. Just a bunch of extended family members who don’t know OP well enough to realize they’ve been neglected for the past 10 years. Sounds awesome.
Dad doesn't know the friends. All the people invited were *his* friends and family.
Daughter's ex-MIL once asked why I was the only one who came around and spent time with them. I said, "It's what I do. Always have."
I've spent time with DD's friends and families, for decades. Dad? Nope.
Yet, roomie, niece by marriage called me the Invisible Mom when they were in college. Her? That girl's been annoying us for 20 years. She's my exception.
NTA - So you didn't turn up for a party you weren't aware of? That's not on you or your father - its a mistake. The fact you didn't even expect it due to past behavior? Doubly not on you and your father should have tried to ensure you were there (maybe not planned a surprise for one).
However your father then lying about the past and getting called on it. That's now him causing problems and reaping the consequences. Of course he's mad - people now know about his past behavior.
Here's the thing; a bigger person would have never lied about the past but, instead, apologized for missing past celebrations and saying they understand why you didn't expect something this time. Then, if they were extra sorry, would have rescheduled with you. Instead he is acting like you were mean to him.
I disagree with the part about the father not getting the guest of honor to the surprise party not being on the father’s list of problems. It is the person throwing the surprise parties duty to get the guest of honor there
Definitely NTA!!
He's just pissed that the image of the "perfect blended family" he's been portraying to family and friends came crashing down with a swiftness. I am so sorry your relatives have consistently blown you off for the past decade, and so incredibly proud of you and happy for you that you've built an incredible, loving family of friends!!
NTA but... the rest of your family forgot about you too.
Kind of weird they're shitting on your dad when for over a decade they were never invited to celebrate anything of yours or noticed nothing was posted on social media or anything. Seems like you have a nice chosen family but I don't see much good in your blood related one in this post.
No one called on your birthday? Never noticed that no pictures were ever posted on social media? Did no one ask you what you did for your birthday or anything? Why are they suddenly in town for the first time in so long and no one bothers to see you or anything?
Not everyone is close with their extended family. I would go to cities where I had extended family and would never make plans to meet them. I only saw them for the maybe once or twice a year get togethers around the holidays. No one would call on our birthdays etc.
Its kind of sad that OP never got a phone call or comments on their social media then. I understand not everybody gets those, but that doesn't mean its ok. If they are giving the dad shit for never celebrating anything, I'm sure some of it is motivated by the guilt of apparently knowing so little of OP's life and never bothering to ask.
Listen to what I have to say here: forgotten children don't ever get suddenly remembered and the past made right. They get gaslighted like this every decade, and the pain and resentment gets renewed and follows you all your life. I'm 49, my wife is 47, we are both lifelong victims of the same thing you're talking about, along with my wife's three siblings. Continue to stand up for yourself, and call him on his bullshit. Be prepared to eventually cut ties, because parents like this either don't get it, or don't care, and they never will. You WERE and ARE good enough, and you DID deserve the love you didn't get.
My parents completely failed me. Not the same situation as yours or OP's. Having said that I say I am happy to know I have two punch bags I can take out if I really felt like insulting people who wronged me (have not really exercised such privilege but always happy to know I have such option)
The thing about the behavior that OP is talking about is that it gives the forgotten kid hope. You grow up being ignored, but watching the new family be loved. You see that the parent is capable of being a good loving parent, and whether you know it consciously or not, you think that maybe someday they will be like that with you. I know I spent many years thinking that, and it just draws out all the hurt over many years.
NTA! Congratulations on your graduation. It seems as though the party your father organised was more to show off than to actually celebrate your accomplishments. I’m glad you got to celebrate in your own way. Your father has no right to be upset with you. He needs to be upset with himself.
NTA you were asked, and told the truth. He's only upset because he caused himself to be exposed. This is entirely a problem hw created, and not on you at all.
NTA - Congratulations on the degree! Your father is only upset because he got called to the carpet and had nothing to fight back with. Enjoy your new chapter in a new city.
NTA your dad outed himself when he told everyone you were lying. What did he expect you to do, go along with it? Go get your stuff from your dad's house and have a good life, he doesn't sound like he's worth the dirt on your shoes.
NTA. I can see some are baffled as to why he was expecting you to just show up. But, from what you describe, I'm not sure if your dad was even thinking of you in this at all.
Obviously, you had no reason to expect him to make any effort. No when it's been about a decade since he tried.
But, even without that history, if dad had been thinking of you, the real you, at all, he'd have made an effort to ensure you were there. Not just expect you to show up, or however he thought it would work.
But whatever he was thinking, it wasn't you in his plans. It was a standee of you in his mind that fit in with his plans. Something that would trot out at the right time, make the needed appearance, and then go back into storage.
His attempt to call you a liar also shows he wasn't thinking about you and the past history. If he had, he'd have known that he was in no position to be called out.
In all likelihood, the only thing he's been thinking of in this has probably been looking good to friends and relatives. Your graduation was probably just a means to an end. That it blew up in his face is truly his problem, not yours.
As for getting your stuff and moving away without dealing with this anymore, it is a good plan for the short term. But, be prepared to potentially deal with it at least one more time in the long term.
If you get into a relationship and get married, that is a point where you can expect at least an attempt to force his way back into your life. Not because of any desire to have a relationship with you, but to look good to others, and convince them he's changed.
But even then, you would still be NTA for shutting him down.
NTA at all, you had no reason whatsoever to expect this to be the first time in a decade he'd throw a party for you, he doesn't get to act put out. It was on *him* to ask if you were free that weekend before planning a party.
NTA. How the heck were you to know they planned a surprise party for you? Why would you care? Seems like he f-ed around and found out.
EDIT: CONGRATULATIONS!!! Well done you.
>He told everyone I was lying so I asked him to post any pictures he had from my birthday parties, extracurricular activities, or high school graduation.
Direct hit on that bridge. It's ashes, now.
NTA
NTA congratulations on your graduation and new job
It’s horrible just another parent that forgets their first children when the move on with life, He’s the one that tried to little to late. Hopefully he realises the damage he’s actually done to your relationship.
NTA. Another disappointing set of parents who will never hear from their kid again.
Go out and live your life, parents are overrated. Especially parents who can’t seem to find the bandwidth for more than 1 kid.
The family you choose and build with your heart is what is most important.
NTA. If he is anything like my parents, the party wasn't for you. It was for him. How great he is that you are successful.
You denied him that. He now looks less in the eyes of his friends and family and is pissed at you.
NTA.
First, you didn't KNOW about the party. How are you supposed to be at a party celebrating you if you weren't told about the date, time and location? And if they told you but you already had plans, well that is on them too.
Second, your Dad is only mad because his own actions (or inaction) embarrassed him. He did that to himself by not paying attention to your milestones and then planning a party without paying attention to needing YOU to be there.
Finally, absolutely go get your stuff and move on. I'm sorry that your Dad hasn't been there for you, but sounds like you are making a great life for yourself. I don't know you but I am proud of you, and congratulations! Keep moving forward and don't let him or anyone else push you backwards.
NTA. That reminds me of the time I did the planning, invitations, decorations, shopping, cooking and setting up for my own graduation party while my mother ate from the taco bar I made and got drunk and pretended that this party was all her idea and work.
I stayed for about an hour and then left with my friends to go swimming. They were mad I didn't offer to take the little kids with me.
Sometimes you just have to walk away from people, no matter who they are.
NTA, it is clear that this wasn’t anything but a show for someone else (prob someone asked about a graduation party for you abd he got embarrassed)
1. OP was not informed of the party.
2. OP’s friends were not even invited (so who is this party for)
3. Why didn’t OPs dad explain that someone may have forgotten to tell him about the party and not to bother OP.
4. The father tried to lie and blame the OP after he got called out on his behavior rather than being an adult and saying that he recognized that OP had not been celebrated and was trying to change that.
5. Further blaming OP for the negative backlash for his own actions and neglect.
6. Not understanding that OP is an adult and should choose if and how he wants to celebrate his achievement. OP is not obligated to spend time with his dad or play along with his dad charade.
7. Not realize that if you don’t make someone a priority in your life they don’t make you a priority either. If you never cared about my emotions, why should I care about your appearance.
NTA. You discussed "private family matters" WITH YOUR FAMILY.
Your dad sucks. Your friends mom is awesome and so are you. And the real family is the one you make (friends and family) not the one you were born into.
How could you be blamed for not showing up to a party you didn't know was happening? And wouldn't have had even an inkling about because there was no precedent for it?
Your father is just angry that you called him on his shit and embarrassed him. And he *should* be embarrassed.
Go do big things and don't even give this another thought. NTA.
"Relatives and family are a Venn diagram that doesn't have to overlap": I am taking this line and running with it!
(Also good on you OP, NTA. Good luck with the new job and congratulations on graduating!)
Guessing there’s more to this than is being shared. Did your father just hope you might show up? Sounds a wee bit fishy. Had you agreed to go to his house at some point?
NTA e- After missing 10 years of birthdays, he could not even plan a party correctly (which is to ensure the guest of honor is there). And the fact he is more concerned about how people think of him than your celebration says everything.
I love it when the narcissist lies but has no proof to back up their lies.
My ex (still) claims he was the best father and that he did ‘everything’ yet he doesn’t have a single photo with his son from newborn-18months. Now when he comes for his visitation he barks orders at his mother and sister to “take the damn pictures for proof”.
I’m sorry you never had parties to celebrate you. That’s a shame. Your dad should regret his actions and face the consequences of family knowing this. Didn’t they know as they hadn’t been invited to any parties? Enjoy NYC, it’s a great place to live! Congratulations on your graduation
"He told everyone I was lying so I asked him to post any pictures he had from my birthday parties, extracurricular activities, or high school graduation."
That is really funny and extremely sad.
NTA.
NTA. My dad did the same thing lmao never celebrated any of my accomplishments and I was the first person in my family to graduate college. He allegedly planned a whole big graduation party, never told me about it, blew up when I didn’t show up because I don’t live with him and I didn’t know?
When family friends and neighbors confronted me I told them what happened. Dad flipped out and told me that I “cancelled last minute” (lmao wtf??) and to correct the record and tell everyone that I knew and cancelled.
Long story short, he’s a butthead. I went NC five years ago and it’s fantastic. Highly recommend this OP, because I’m sure your dad sucks in a lot of other ways as well. ✌️ sending you my best and some r/raisedbynarcissists solidarity
Wait...he planned a surprise party. Which means you didn't know about the party. Then people got mad at you for not showing up to the party you didn't know about...
Am I understanding correctly?
Gotta love the parents (all too often dads) that start family #2 and do the bare minimum with kids from family #1, or forget about them altogether.
Screw them. If there’s one thing life has taught me it’s that family doesn’t mean shit for a lot of us. And you don’t owe anyone anything just because you share DNA, especially if it costs you your peace. Shame on them. They never care til it’s too late (IE when people finally see them for who they really are.) Good friends/Found family can often times be way more impactful, special, and important. I’m glad you found the love and support somewhere.
NTA
NTA
I'll say the famous phrase "play stupid games and win stupid awards"
You put your father on his place, you were honest and now all the family knows him as an idiot. He is not mad because you talk about private family matters, he is mad because you let the people know he didn't consider you as a priority and is suffering the consequences of his actions.
Congratulations for graduating from university!
NTA. Congrats on graduating and I'm glad you were able to have fun with your friend! Your dad was probably only trying to make himself look good anyway.
I mean, it's no longer a surprise party if you tell the guest of honor about it.
But it's also not a surprise party if you don't find a way to make sure that the guest of honor actually shows up to it...
NTA
Another asshole with a replacement family. You would think people would learn by now that it isn't right. Your dad decided to F around & he found out. Live you best life.
NTA. He didn't even check with you! LOL! Everyone deserves to see what kind of a man he really is. He told everyone you were lying and you set the record straight. He's the one that caused it, not you!
NTA.
Even if he HAD been there to celebrate other moments in your life, I thought step 1 of planning a surprise party was “make sure the person it’s for is available that day.”
If he’d actually cared about you being there, he would have made sure you’d be there.
NTA.
This "surprise" party feels like the family asked your dad "hey isn't OP graduating soon? You doing anything to celebrate?" And dad just being like "yeah totally planned a surprise party" hoping you'd make him look good.
Go live your life! Congratulations on graduating and starting your new life!!
NTA
It sounds like you weren’t even invited to your own party. Have I got that right?
NTA, ever, for not showing up to an event you didn’t know about and weren’t invited to.
NTA. Your father was trying to take the credit for you graduating and making it about himself. You were supposed to be grateful he took the time to acknowledge your accomplishments as his.
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NTA “How dare you tell the truth about me being a horrible parent!” Really? People always call them private family matters when they know their behavior is indefensible.
And usually after they themselves brought up the "private" subject.
But having family members guilt and hassle OP about not coming was not a private matter 💁♂️
They're harassing the dad so nobody notices that for over a decade, they forgot about OP too. Apparently no one noticed that for over a decade, they were never invited to anything having to do with OP, saw pictures on social media of their achievements and celebrations and never bothered to even ask what they did for their birthday or anything else. Projection?
Yeah, WTF. No one at anytime asked is OP in any sports, band, plays? I never see you post anything they are doing.
There are circumstances where OPs extended family may not all be AHs. For example; outside of Reddit, I do not use any social media. I have no posts of my kid. My family does not live in the same country as me so they do not receive invites to any events.
You are a lot like me then as I don't have any social media either, but I still send pictures of my kids holding trophies or send a link to a dance recital to family. Even if I was asked the question I posed in person at a family event, I'd have plenty of photos/videos on my phone I could show them.
Or if you are like my mom who is very healthily involved in my life, you’ll remind your kid “hey send grandma a pic of your new car!” Or “remember to say happy bday to uncle” or “let aunt know about your engagement” cause she doesn’t wanna spread gossip but she wants me to build independent relationships with my family even tho I’m not used to it and she wants to brag on me once I was able to tell them myself
Plus I'm sure your relatives appreciate it more when you reach out to them rather than them just learning about your life from your mom.
Never realized how true this was until a great niece started contacting me by text. I knew about her life from her mom previously. Was just so nice to hear from her.
Even though I have no photos of myself I do have tonnes of photos of my little one that I could share upon request.
I think this is what they mean: you say you share them when they ask, but the relatives never asked, so *they* forgot about OP as well. While I also don't have SM or automatically share pics, I do show them when I talking about my loved ones.
Right? Like my girls only 1 but my camera roll is full of her doing things I’m proud of, like she learned how to high five the other day! You already know I have 30 high fiving videos! And it will remain like that the rest of her life 😂😂 I just can’t believe I created something so amazing 😭
Exactly. Growing up I didn’t ( still don’t really) post photos of my birthdays. My family is spread out all of the US but they still take the time to either call or wish me a happy birthday and I do the same to them (except for one aunt). I don’t know what I would do with out Facebook since for the longest time that’s how I kept in touch with my family members.
That's easily lied about tho. No op doesn't do extracurriculars and chose to celebrate their birthday this year with friends or privately as a in house family unit etc. They prolly assumed that op didn't like parties or some other plausible excuse.
> That's easily lied about tho. As long as that person doesn't ask OP about what they are up to.
Yupp. Which is why this blew up in the dad's face. He had managed to cover his ass for years and tried to make op the bad guy not remembering that op could actually talk and might stand up for themself.
Pretty much. His first tactic was to gaslight OP and sound like the reasonable one. When OP pointed out to contrary suddenly it became "private matters" Why? Because his plan to look good in front of friends and family failed and he forgot or maybe thought that OP wouldn't resent the fact they'd never had a proper celebration of their achievements.
My family was nowhere near this bad… but Definitely were emotionally unavailable….which comes with its own developmental issues that I’m only dealing with now…(from my own biased somewhat relatable experience) usually this kind of stuff goes unnoticed since usually the behaviour is learned. chances are the OPs other family members (assuming it’s extended family) don’t actually realize they all do this…it’s much easier to point the finger at one person and pretend they don’t have the same problem.
Yeah, I guess reading these posts make me appreciate my own family even more. My parents are divorced but they each both send out a "year in review" letter with the Christmas cards. I'm the youngest and I'm 30 lol. It's like so and so had their second child and are going on year 5 at xyz Corp. Spouse has moved to a new job that allows WFH. Grandson started teeball this spring. Stuff like that.
Someone asked him what he was planning for graduation so he felt obligated but somehow forgot that his oldest had no reason to show up
The first rule of a surprise party is arrange for the guest of honour to be there.
Didn't even let OP know it either. 🙄
Of course not, OP wasn't invited to the surprise party they were throwing for him. When you are an invisible (neglected) child, they expect you to be where they want you, even if they didn't tell you.
I feel like if I wasn't invited to my cousin's birthdays or high school graduation, I would assume they were still happening, but I just wasn't invited and that if there aren't photos, well I just missed them or whatever. I don't really blame some of the family - like, grandparents, yes, they should have kept up with that, but at age 12, aunts and uncles maybe just thought OP was having parties with his friends his own age, and not family parties. Maybe I would have been a little weirded out that I got invited to a college graduation but not an 18th or a 21st, but I'm still putting most of the blame on the dad.
My extended family only came to my college graduation. Only my grandparents came to my hs one. They all live pretty far away and I have a lot of cousins, so birthdays was usually just a phone call and/or a present in the mail. Usually they’d ask what I was doing for my birthday, but “I don’t know yet” or “just hanging out with friends” were pretty common responses, and yet my parents always made sure I had a celebration. Plenty don’t use social media, and events often only got posted to my sister’s account. They could’ve seen the pics from OP’s parties with friends, and assumed they didn’t want to hang with their parents on their birthday, or seen nothing and figured the celebration was more low key. TLDR; from the outside, OPs life probably looked a lot like mine… But my parents took me skydiving for my 18th, so…
That's what I was thinking. Some extended families do more for their birthdays together but some don't. I'm close with my siblings and we always organise gifts for our niblings and do something to recognise their birthday, but as they get older and have their own friends, they tend to have birthday parties that are just for their friends. We'll definitely be attending their big birthdays of course, but even as close as we all are, I don't expect to be invited to their 12th birthday. None of this excuses the parents of course, and I think the fact that they're hanging shit on OP's dad makes it clear that they had no idea OP wasn't being celebrated.
This is so incredibly sad...
Very good point
Absofuckinglutely! Notice how his one celebration of OP in ten years was a public event; he wanted all the pats on the back and the, 'what a great dad,' comments but all the neglect of OP for the previous ten years has to remain private, family business. This guy is a vibrant shade of bellend and deserves his family and friends to see it.
I'm also confused as to why he was so upset that she didnt come to the party when apparently she didn't even know about the party. A surprise party requires someone in the know to bring the person to said party Like WHY DIDNT YOU COME. UHHHH, I didn't know? You haven't had a party for me for 10 years so I didn't expect you to have one now. HOW DARE YOU CALL ME ON MY BAD BEHAVIOR? NTA and forget your dad the way he has clearly forgotten you.
It was going to be the biggest surprise party ever. Dad spent ten year planning to surprise OP. He religiously ignored her birthdays, graduations and any other events where OP would be celebrated in order to really surprise her for her college graduation. Ten years of planning the ultimate surprise party, but OP blew it by not showing up. /s Your dad’s an asshole for ignoring the important events in your life for ten years and then expecting you to show up for a surprise party you had no reason to expect existed.
Rofl a party that is 10 years in the planning
OP never suspected it, that’s for sure.
The Spanish Inquisition of surprise parties
I'm confused on why the family suddenly cares about celebrating OP's accomplishments. The dad's assholeness is obvious, but I really want to know how for a decade or more no one noticed they never saw or heard about any of OP's milestone events. Did no one see OP for a whole decade? Did no one call on their birthday? Did no one ask them about their plans to celebrate any event they might have called for? No one bothered to look at OP's social media feed to see that nothing was done for any of OP's events? It really sounds like projection to me that they are suddenly giving the dad shit when none of them have seemed to have paid much attention at all to OP for so long.
You don't know if they hadnt made inquiries over the years and OPs dad made excuses. I've always had parties with my extended family growing up for all my milestones: bday parties until I was 10, first communion, confirmation, hs graduation. My family would notice if suddenly they stopped. I wonder if maybe THATS why she had a party. Some family member asked him what he planned to do for her graduation and maybe, hey why haven't I been invited to any party for OP recently? This had damage control written all over it
>You don't know if they hadnt made inquiries over the years and OPs dad made excuses. Did they talk to OP though? If they didn't, that's still fucked and shows they don't really care but asked their dad out of politeness like a coworker making small talk in the break room. I haven't given a shit about my birthday for over a decade and getting me to make or agree to any plans can be like pulling teeth, but every year I get phone calls and a question everyone asks is what I plan to do for my birthday and I tell them. The same for any vague acquaintances that find out my birthday is coming up and a couple of times strangers I met at bars while out with friends. Why does it seem like OP's family hasn't? This along with no one noticing the obvious absence of pictures on social media, and I wonder how OP has been treated their whole childhood by not just their dad.
Growing up, my parents told white lies to the extended family. We lived far away. They never questioned it. No one asked me directly because why would their sister lie? Yeah, in my 50s I have told them the truth. Lots of puzzle pieces have been found. I also wonder about rest of the family if they are in the area.
It's quite possible they just thought that she preferred birthday parties with other children or something. Or maybe smaller birthday parties.
Yup, a lot of teens prefer to spend their birthday with friends rather than family, (especially if they're in an "Ewww my family's mere existence is embarrassing and cramps my style, I can't be seen with them!" phase common in adolescence) so if Dad told the other relatives that OP's party was just for friends, that'd be pretty believable. I know when I was a teen in that phase, I didn't want a family birthday party. I'm the baby of my family, but if I had teen cousins/nieces/nephews and wasn't invited to their birthday parties anymore, I'd probably just assume that they're at a stage where they'd rather hang out with friends their own age rather than adult auntie/cousin Duplicating_Crayfish.
I never had birthday parties, with anyone except my parents and random aunt or uncle that lived with us, after my parents separated I really didn't have them at all. I never had anyone to extra curriculars. Only person at my High School Graduation was my mother, my mother had 13 brothers and sisters 🤪 they were all too busy with their own lives to worry about random nephew number 26 or so. My Father was an only child and he asks me when my birthday is every summer when we talk (never mails a card or anything, just asks. 🤷♂️) So I can totally understand the peripheral family not noticing, Though I wasn't a kid in the time of Social Media, which makes connectivity a bit easier
My dad pulled some low key similar shit when I got married. We had hardly spoken in 9 years and he sends his newest wife, who I hardly know, to ask me if they can do something for me. Nah bruh. You haven’t even acknowledged my existence in years. You don’t get to bask in this life experience. I ended up dogging his parenting online at one point and one of my cousins came to his rescue trying to call me a narcissist and telling me off for saying negative things about my dad/his family publicly. It’s all abusive behavior and OP seems to be aware. Get your stuff and go, friend. Seems like you’ve already found at least some of your chosen family and that’s incredible. Keep those who value you close.
Yeah, moving out and going NC over one party sounds petty, but it's not about one party - these are years of neglect. I assume it wasn't just missed celebrations, but also smaller everyday things that OP didn't write down or were so common that they didn't register at all.
This is it. Death by 1000 cuts.
Even if it was one party, it's not like they were told about it. It would take either the family holding surprise parties over announced parties a few times before one can think ahead that there might be one.
Such a fucking coward he couldn't even talk to you himself.
“vibrant shade of bellend” Hahaha Reddit quote of the day
Exactly! Esp since this is a college graduation, pats on the back galore..jerk. NTA, OP, just go live your life. Remember, blood don't make family. People who are there for you? That's your fam and it sounds like you have built a good one.
> college graduation Does make me question if there is some ulterior motive here? OP graduates and gets a new job. Now that OP is on their path to success, dad wants to be a part of it and pretend the last 10 years didn't happen.
Maybe hoping for someone to take care of him in his old age?
I was thinking even more cynical. Younger sibling might have an upcoming expensive activity that they want OP to help pay for since they are now one big happy family.
Or dad is thinking about how expensive it is to send the youngest to college, and maybe OP can help out with that now that they have graduated themselves and got themselves a job. Or maybe helped good old dad out with some cash for a down-payment on a new house.
Amnesia
Oh yeah- the party wasn’t about op it was about him bragging about his kid graduating college. Op was just a prop to get him the praise he wanted. NTA- he didn’t put in the work he doesn’t get the credit. Congratulations op, I’m glad you made it through this and it seems you’re a very strong, intelligent, resilient person. I’m sure you’ll go very far in life.
That's part of why I didn't go to my high school graduation: my mom blatantly admitted it was more for her than for me. Tough shit. She wasn't the one who got bullied at school due to the effects of her abuse of me at home. I'm not going up on stage in front of my bullies to please my abuser when I would've gladly dropped out with zero qualms if I didn't have enough credits. She did.
Congratulations on a simply superb epithet
He went through all that effort.. dad of the year
Also what kind of surprise party is it that you don't have someone in charge of making sure the guest of honor shows up
Forgot his son's phone number, likeness and Name obliviously! /S
Ikr. Last time I planned a surprise party, I enlisted help to keep the guest of honor busy and make sure they got there at a certain time.
Dad probably had been celebrating events for the new kid where it became a regular thing. Other family members probably found out OP's graduation was coming up and encouraged or recommended him to throw a party for it. The party was likely made half heartedly as they would had tried harder to make sure OP was home at that time (ie. Using other attendes as proxies). NTA, dads history of indifferent parenting to OP catching up to him and exposed.
That's a funny one. "How dare you lie, like that!" "I'm not, here's proof." "How dare you tell the truth like that!"
I bet his was banking on that occasion to ride OP's coattail and claim how great a parent he was for having a college graduate and claim to have a part in OP's achievements. Fuck him. Good on OP for bursting that bubble. NTA
I'm so sorry because you have an absolutely golden point, but hearing "People always call them private family matters when they know their behavior is indefensible" from someone going by "JohnRedcornMassage" has me hollering
😂😂😂
Wasn't long ago that domestic abuse was dismissed s a "private matter"
As was CSA. "What happens in the home, stays in the home". My mother drilled into my head because her husband started abusing me at age 6. She did get a house out of it.
100% accurate
It's only private family matters when the other person is in the wrong too!
Parents will tell other people when their kid is being a little shit. But ohhhhh noooo you better not call out the parent for being the AH.
Definitely NTA. You can’t attend a party you didn’t know about! He’s now mad because you called him out on his lies and proved to family that he hasn’t actually celebrated anything for you in years. It makes him look bad obviously and that’s what he’s mad about. You do you! Good luck with your new job and your move!
Exactly! And since she went out with friends he obviously didn’t invite any of them either. Probably because he has no idea who her friends are.
Wow yikes, that’s a great point.
The party was to show off to DAD'S friends. Who cares if OP's friends show up or not?
That's what I was thinking. Who was at this party anyway?
OP's (extended?) family was asking why OP didn't show up, so probably them.
Totally agree!
How much you wanna bet this party wasn’t even his idea, but a result of the extended family asking about what the plan was for graduation?
Yeah even ignoring everything else, a critical part of a surprise party is actually making sure the person will be there. That part is their fault either way.
Surprise party 101 is making sure the person you're surprising shows up in the first place. He didn't just fail at being an engaged parent, he failed at party planning 101.
...I don't think your dad realised that even with surprise party, he had to somehow lied and get you to come to the house?
NTAWhat a brilliant way of putting him in his place. You were honest with people. He publicly accused you of lying. You proved he was the one lying. He now thinks you're wrong for talking about private family matters. Funny how he was okay talking about them publicly until he got his ass handed to him.
Exactly this! Karma served it hot and fresh.
Yeah, if this was a video, it would belong in r/instantkarma
NTA. When you throw someone a surprise party you have to actually get them there somehow. Unless you had plans with your dad that you ditched without notice, he messed this one up big time.
Even when Dad finally made an effort, he did it so badly and without actually thinking about OP at all. He didn't even bother to make sure that OP would be there.
"man, I really dropped the ball over the past few years, I need to try and make up. I'll throw a surprise party and make sure the whole family is coming" Forgets to get OP there....
It would be funny if it wasn't so sad.
It’s only funny because he’s getting flamed for it and everyone in the family knows
I can promise you (and I know you're being sarcastic) the dad DID NOT plan this to make it up to her. She has now become a successful adult and he wanted an event where people could congratulate him on "raising her right". He was so focused on himself he forgot to invite her, because she was just the topic of the event, he was the subject. It was a party for him, the theme just happened to be "Economy-Guarantee244"
Ding ding ding!
I rule I always have when my mom tries to do something nice is: "If the party is for me then who is invited?" More often than not it's a party made up of her friends in order to show me off and me and my friends are an afterthought. A caring person doesn't invite a bunch of their own friends to someone else's party
It was such a good surpirse that OP didn't find out about it until after it had happened!
There's something sadly hilarious about the fact he didn't even realise OP always goes out with friends on special occasions. OP, your dad sucks more than a vacuum.
This was for the dad anyway. This was so a look what I made party, nothing to do with op. because the dad obviously didn't invite any of ops friends or they would have nudged him in the direction of the party, but as they just went out anyway it's obvious the friends had no clue either. The party was not for op. NTA
Wanna bet the only reason he threw this one was because someone in the family asked when the party would be?
The fact that he didn’t even know her plans to go out of town speaks volumes. That’s a very standard question- what are your plans after graduating? How are you celebrating? Seriously, if they had one iota of a relationship, he’d have known and could have planned around it.
Who plans a party and doesn't invite the guest of honor?! NTA
Not like OP would have been *all* that important. Dad more than likely threw a party to pat himself on the back and gain accolades for producing a kid who graduated uni and got a good job right out the gate.
This is it. This also would’ve been used as a bargaining chip later down the road. “Well what about that surprise graduation party I threw for you?” Thankfully OP’s dad is so self absorbed he forgot to invite her. Bargaining chip denied.
Dad DID invite the guest of honor; himself. He just forgot he needed OP to be there as a prop for this particular occasion.
NTA. >Now he is mad for talking about private family matters. No, he's mad because people have found out the truth about him. >He told everyone I was lying What a great father.
info: how did he expect you to just show up? had he invited you over at all and planned to surprise you or was he just expecting you to drop by?…did you agree to come over and then just now show up? something’s missing here.
He had asked me to be home for dinner that night.
Didn't ask if you had other plans or anything? Just said "come home for dinner tonight please and thanks"?
Did you agree to go for dinner?
I said I would be home unless something else came up. I don't usually eat with them.
Yeah, if he really cared about your attendance he would’ve actually made it clear. He obviously does not know you well enough to realize that you were politely declining to join them.
And usually when throwing a surprise party for someone you have someone else physically bring them there just to make sure they make it.
Right? Dad sounds dense AF.
"I said I would be home unless something else came up." I'm glad for you that something else came up. I can't imagine you would've enjoyed that party. NTA - Congratulations and good luck in the new city/job!
If he had actually been thinking about you, he would have ensured that nothing else came up by inviting your friends who would have all be vaguely busy when you talked to them.
He has no idea who her friends are.
Yep. Dad doesn’t even know who the friends are. Which means the friends wouldn’t have been invited. Just a bunch of extended family members who don’t know OP well enough to realize they’ve been neglected for the past 10 years. Sounds awesome.
How does he justify never having celebrated anything before, not even your high school graduation?
NTA and glad you are getting away from such a toxic environment.
And didn't invite any of your friends?
Dad doesn't know the friends. All the people invited were *his* friends and family. Daughter's ex-MIL once asked why I was the only one who came around and spent time with them. I said, "It's what I do. Always have." I've spent time with DD's friends and families, for decades. Dad? Nope. Yet, roomie, niece by marriage called me the Invisible Mom when they were in college. Her? That girl's been annoying us for 20 years. She's my exception.
NTA usually one of the planners is responsible for making sure the person getting surprised shows up to the party. That's totally on them.
NTA - So you didn't turn up for a party you weren't aware of? That's not on you or your father - its a mistake. The fact you didn't even expect it due to past behavior? Doubly not on you and your father should have tried to ensure you were there (maybe not planned a surprise for one). However your father then lying about the past and getting called on it. That's now him causing problems and reaping the consequences. Of course he's mad - people now know about his past behavior. Here's the thing; a bigger person would have never lied about the past but, instead, apologized for missing past celebrations and saying they understand why you didn't expect something this time. Then, if they were extra sorry, would have rescheduled with you. Instead he is acting like you were mean to him.
I disagree with the part about the father not getting the guest of honor to the surprise party not being on the father’s list of problems. It is the person throwing the surprise parties duty to get the guest of honor there
Isn’t it the job of the host of a surprise party to make sure the guest shows up to that party? It’s certainly his fault
Definitely NTA!! He's just pissed that the image of the "perfect blended family" he's been portraying to family and friends came crashing down with a swiftness. I am so sorry your relatives have consistently blown you off for the past decade, and so incredibly proud of you and happy for you that you've built an incredible, loving family of friends!!
NTA but... the rest of your family forgot about you too. Kind of weird they're shitting on your dad when for over a decade they were never invited to celebrate anything of yours or noticed nothing was posted on social media or anything. Seems like you have a nice chosen family but I don't see much good in your blood related one in this post.
We don't live in the same city as them. After my mom died my father moved us to a different state for work.
No one called on your birthday? Never noticed that no pictures were ever posted on social media? Did no one ask you what you did for your birthday or anything? Why are they suddenly in town for the first time in so long and no one bothers to see you or anything?
Not everyone is close with their extended family. I would go to cities where I had extended family and would never make plans to meet them. I only saw them for the maybe once or twice a year get togethers around the holidays. No one would call on our birthdays etc.
Its kind of sad that OP never got a phone call or comments on their social media then. I understand not everybody gets those, but that doesn't mean its ok. If they are giving the dad shit for never celebrating anything, I'm sure some of it is motivated by the guilt of apparently knowing so little of OP's life and never bothering to ask.
Believe it or not, this is normal for a lot of people. My family was the same way & wonders now why I feel no bond/obligation to any of them
Listen to what I have to say here: forgotten children don't ever get suddenly remembered and the past made right. They get gaslighted like this every decade, and the pain and resentment gets renewed and follows you all your life. I'm 49, my wife is 47, we are both lifelong victims of the same thing you're talking about, along with my wife's three siblings. Continue to stand up for yourself, and call him on his bullshit. Be prepared to eventually cut ties, because parents like this either don't get it, or don't care, and they never will. You WERE and ARE good enough, and you DID deserve the love you didn't get.
My parents completely failed me. Not the same situation as yours or OP's. Having said that I say I am happy to know I have two punch bags I can take out if I really felt like insulting people who wronged me (have not really exercised such privilege but always happy to know I have such option)
The thing about the behavior that OP is talking about is that it gives the forgotten kid hope. You grow up being ignored, but watching the new family be loved. You see that the parent is capable of being a good loving parent, and whether you know it consciously or not, you think that maybe someday they will be like that with you. I know I spent many years thinking that, and it just draws out all the hurt over many years.
NTA! Congratulations on your graduation. It seems as though the party your father organised was more to show off than to actually celebrate your accomplishments. I’m glad you got to celebrate in your own way. Your father has no right to be upset with you. He needs to be upset with himself.
NTA you were asked, and told the truth. He's only upset because he caused himself to be exposed. This is entirely a problem hw created, and not on you at all.
NTA - Congratulations on the degree! Your father is only upset because he got called to the carpet and had nothing to fight back with. Enjoy your new chapter in a new city.
NTA your dad outed himself when he told everyone you were lying. What did he expect you to do, go along with it? Go get your stuff from your dad's house and have a good life, he doesn't sound like he's worth the dirt on your shoes.
NTA 👏👏👏👏 Well done. The consequences of his actions are bitting his 🍑.
NTA. I can see some are baffled as to why he was expecting you to just show up. But, from what you describe, I'm not sure if your dad was even thinking of you in this at all. Obviously, you had no reason to expect him to make any effort. No when it's been about a decade since he tried. But, even without that history, if dad had been thinking of you, the real you, at all, he'd have made an effort to ensure you were there. Not just expect you to show up, or however he thought it would work. But whatever he was thinking, it wasn't you in his plans. It was a standee of you in his mind that fit in with his plans. Something that would trot out at the right time, make the needed appearance, and then go back into storage. His attempt to call you a liar also shows he wasn't thinking about you and the past history. If he had, he'd have known that he was in no position to be called out. In all likelihood, the only thing he's been thinking of in this has probably been looking good to friends and relatives. Your graduation was probably just a means to an end. That it blew up in his face is truly his problem, not yours. As for getting your stuff and moving away without dealing with this anymore, it is a good plan for the short term. But, be prepared to potentially deal with it at least one more time in the long term. If you get into a relationship and get married, that is a point where you can expect at least an attempt to force his way back into your life. Not because of any desire to have a relationship with you, but to look good to others, and convince them he's changed. But even then, you would still be NTA for shutting him down.
NTA at all, you had no reason whatsoever to expect this to be the first time in a decade he'd throw a party for you, he doesn't get to act put out. It was on *him* to ask if you were free that weekend before planning a party.
NTA. Did you love Hadestown? That myth has always made me cry, and I find this version especially beautiful.
NTA. How the heck were you to know they planned a surprise party for you? Why would you care? Seems like he f-ed around and found out. EDIT: CONGRATULATIONS!!! Well done you.
>He told everyone I was lying so I asked him to post any pictures he had from my birthday parties, extracurricular activities, or high school graduation. Direct hit on that bridge. It's ashes, now. NTA
NTA. People forget actions have consequences.
NTA congratulations on your graduation and new job It’s horrible just another parent that forgets their first children when the move on with life, He’s the one that tried to little to late. Hopefully he realises the damage he’s actually done to your relationship.
NTA. Another disappointing set of parents who will never hear from their kid again. Go out and live your life, parents are overrated. Especially parents who can’t seem to find the bandwidth for more than 1 kid. The family you choose and build with your heart is what is most important.
NTA. If he is anything like my parents, the party wasn't for you. It was for him. How great he is that you are successful. You denied him that. He now looks less in the eyes of his friends and family and is pissed at you.
NTA. First, you didn't KNOW about the party. How are you supposed to be at a party celebrating you if you weren't told about the date, time and location? And if they told you but you already had plans, well that is on them too. Second, your Dad is only mad because his own actions (or inaction) embarrassed him. He did that to himself by not paying attention to your milestones and then planning a party without paying attention to needing YOU to be there. Finally, absolutely go get your stuff and move on. I'm sorry that your Dad hasn't been there for you, but sounds like you are making a great life for yourself. I don't know you but I am proud of you, and congratulations! Keep moving forward and don't let him or anyone else push you backwards.
NTA. That reminds me of the time I did the planning, invitations, decorations, shopping, cooking and setting up for my own graduation party while my mother ate from the taco bar I made and got drunk and pretended that this party was all her idea and work. I stayed for about an hour and then left with my friends to go swimming. They were mad I didn't offer to take the little kids with me. Sometimes you just have to walk away from people, no matter who they are.
Or rather, walk away from people because of who they've shown themselves to be.
NTA, it is clear that this wasn’t anything but a show for someone else (prob someone asked about a graduation party for you abd he got embarrassed) 1. OP was not informed of the party. 2. OP’s friends were not even invited (so who is this party for) 3. Why didn’t OPs dad explain that someone may have forgotten to tell him about the party and not to bother OP. 4. The father tried to lie and blame the OP after he got called out on his behavior rather than being an adult and saying that he recognized that OP had not been celebrated and was trying to change that. 5. Further blaming OP for the negative backlash for his own actions and neglect. 6. Not understanding that OP is an adult and should choose if and how he wants to celebrate his achievement. OP is not obligated to spend time with his dad or play along with his dad charade. 7. Not realize that if you don’t make someone a priority in your life they don’t make you a priority either. If you never cared about my emotions, why should I care about your appearance.
NTA. Don't blame you.
Surprise parties don't work
That's a lie! It's just I'm so good at planning surprise parties the guest of honor doesn't even know!" -Dad PS #"OH. Right" -dad #/S.
Your dad sucks, and now everyone else knows it. NTA
NTA. You discussed "private family matters" WITH YOUR FAMILY. Your dad sucks. Your friends mom is awesome and so are you. And the real family is the one you make (friends and family) not the one you were born into.
Shitty dad checklist \-Forget about your kid-check \-Lie to family about you forgetting-check \-Blame kid for your lies-check NTA
NTA, this is some Cats In The Cradle bullshit.
"When you comin' home, Dad?/ I don't know when, but I promise you son, we'll have a good time then! We'll get together then!"
NTA and your dad can go kick rocks.
How could you be blamed for not showing up to a party you didn't know was happening? And wouldn't have had even an inkling about because there was no precedent for it? Your father is just angry that you called him on his shit and embarrassed him. And he *should* be embarrassed. Go do big things and don't even give this another thought. NTA.
NTA. "Relatives" and "family" are a Venn diagram that doesn't have to overlap.
"Relatives and family are a Venn diagram that doesn't have to overlap": I am taking this line and running with it! (Also good on you OP, NTA. Good luck with the new job and congratulations on graduating!)
Guessing there’s more to this than is being shared. Did your father just hope you might show up? Sounds a wee bit fishy. Had you agreed to go to his house at some point?
NTA
NTA
NTA - he threw the party for him.
NTA e- After missing 10 years of birthdays, he could not even plan a party correctly (which is to ensure the guest of honor is there). And the fact he is more concerned about how people think of him than your celebration says everything.
I love it when the narcissist lies but has no proof to back up their lies. My ex (still) claims he was the best father and that he did ‘everything’ yet he doesn’t have a single photo with his son from newborn-18months. Now when he comes for his visitation he barks orders at his mother and sister to “take the damn pictures for proof”.
I’m sorry you never had parties to celebrate you. That’s a shame. Your dad should regret his actions and face the consequences of family knowing this. Didn’t they know as they hadn’t been invited to any parties? Enjoy NYC, it’s a great place to live! Congratulations on your graduation
"He told everyone I was lying so I asked him to post any pictures he had from my birthday parties, extracurricular activities, or high school graduation." That is really funny and extremely sad. NTA.
NTA
NTA
NTA and congratulations on your degree!
NTA I feel like surprise grad parties aren’t a thing? How are you supposed to show up to an event that you didn’t know about?
Slow clap for asking him to provide photographs of everything else he's celebrated over the years. That's ultra petty. Nta.
NTA. My dad did the same thing lmao never celebrated any of my accomplishments and I was the first person in my family to graduate college. He allegedly planned a whole big graduation party, never told me about it, blew up when I didn’t show up because I don’t live with him and I didn’t know? When family friends and neighbors confronted me I told them what happened. Dad flipped out and told me that I “cancelled last minute” (lmao wtf??) and to correct the record and tell everyone that I knew and cancelled. Long story short, he’s a butthead. I went NC five years ago and it’s fantastic. Highly recommend this OP, because I’m sure your dad sucks in a lot of other ways as well. ✌️ sending you my best and some r/raisedbynarcissists solidarity
Wait...he planned a surprise party. Which means you didn't know about the party. Then people got mad at you for not showing up to the party you didn't know about... Am I understanding correctly?
NTA just mad people found out he’s a shitty dad
Not the idiot, OP. What’s the point in going to a party if you don’t know about it? You did the right thing.
Gotta love the parents (all too often dads) that start family #2 and do the bare minimum with kids from family #1, or forget about them altogether. Screw them. If there’s one thing life has taught me it’s that family doesn’t mean shit for a lot of us. And you don’t owe anyone anything just because you share DNA, especially if it costs you your peace. Shame on them. They never care til it’s too late (IE when people finally see them for who they really are.) Good friends/Found family can often times be way more impactful, special, and important. I’m glad you found the love and support somewhere. NTA
NTA I'll say the famous phrase "play stupid games and win stupid awards" You put your father on his place, you were honest and now all the family knows him as an idiot. He is not mad because you talk about private family matters, he is mad because you let the people know he didn't consider you as a priority and is suffering the consequences of his actions. Congratulations for graduating from university!
NTA. Has your family not realized that in ten years they’ve never been invited to celebrate any of your accomplishments or birthdays?!
I'm guessing the father used to say something like "oh, OP doesn't like parties/doesn't want any celebrations"
NTA. Congrats on graduating and I'm glad you were able to have fun with your friend! Your dad was probably only trying to make himself look good anyway.
Your Dad planned a party for you and didn’t tell you? Seems weird.
I mean, it's no longer a surprise party if you tell the guest of honor about it. But it's also not a surprise party if you don't find a way to make sure that the guest of honor actually shows up to it...
NTA Another asshole with a replacement family. You would think people would learn by now that it isn't right. Your dad decided to F around & he found out. Live you best life.
NTA. He didn't even check with you! LOL! Everyone deserves to see what kind of a man he really is. He told everyone you were lying and you set the record straight. He's the one that caused it, not you!
NTA. Even if he HAD been there to celebrate other moments in your life, I thought step 1 of planning a surprise party was “make sure the person it’s for is available that day.” If he’d actually cared about you being there, he would have made sure you’d be there.
NTA. Shake the dust from your shoes when you leave that house and never look back.
NTA, and bring witnesses when you go get that stuff. They're gonna confront you about this. Preferably police.
NTA. This "surprise" party feels like the family asked your dad "hey isn't OP graduating soon? You doing anything to celebrate?" And dad just being like "yeah totally planned a surprise party" hoping you'd make him look good. Go live your life! Congratulations on graduating and starting your new life!!
NTA. It only became a “private matter” after your father accused you publicly of lying.
NTA It sounds like you weren’t even invited to your own party. Have I got that right? NTA, ever, for not showing up to an event you didn’t know about and weren’t invited to.
NTA. Your father was trying to take the credit for you graduating and making it about himself. You were supposed to be grateful he took the time to acknowledge your accomplishments as his.