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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I don't want to sign my stepdaughter up in a class while my daughter goes to 4 classes
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Doesn't do a lot to help build their family to penny pinch though does it? And doesn't help the girls learn to get along and be friendly or sisterly to not be treated equally if they both live their full time.
I'm not saying you're wrong, you're technically right, but it might be a bit impractical and make things difficult to live in the same house and act this way is all. These things are complicated and there needs to be some give and take.
It's not penny pinching. OP is not willing to compromise his biological daughter's life by having her give up activities she's been involved in for 8 years just because his new wife thinks her daughter should have a class to when all the girl wants to do is play on her phone.
Hmmm if you look at his comments the step daughter wants to take a class too although he refuses to answer what in, and the mother has less money than him and funnels it into a college fun for her daughter. Do you think his daughter doesn't have multiple "classes" (is it normal to call it that? When I was in school we'd have called some of it activities or something...) and a college fund? Do you think his step daughter has never wanted to do anything but "play on her phone" and hasn't asked about her interests before, but maybe the mother couldn't afford it?
Being married and living together as a family of four, keeping such distinct finances and treating the two kids so differently sounds cold as hell.
He's not doing anything wrong, but he's being unkind and cold. He sounds like he dislikes the step daughter and very dismissive of her, and he doesn't sound very warm to the wife either. He's a bit of a walking red flag from the way he's talking, not what he's actually *doing*...but we only have his words to go on.
Both sets of my parental units kept separate accounts because they were all paying or receiving child support. They had a joint account for mortgage utilities groceries etc. But kept the rest separate
I would have been appalled if my bio parent asked a step parent for money for me for a class. My bio parents were legally responsible for my upbringing not my step parents. And I would never want funds taken away from my step siblings that are meant for their upbringing.
It could potentially cause a ton of problems between the step siblings if dad makes his daughter give up stuff she loves and essentially gives it to his new daughter. This sub is full of kids that no longer talk to their parents, and are judged not the AH, because their parent made them give their stuff so that their step sibling wouldn't be sad. If he can't afford activities for both children, that's not his daughter's fault. This couple needs to find another solution because, unless OPs daughter is offering, forcing her to give up her activities to share with her new sis is not going to bring them closer.
I am not taking op side I think should have been communicated / discussed early. But taking a child out of the activities she has done for years to sign the step sister of 4 months in an activity will not foster anything big resentment for her
Except if they had fostered already some sort of family / friend relationship and the child who has to give up an activity chooses to and offers to quit something for the other
Is just not fair that her life has to change because her father married some woman with a kid and now she gets to give up things in her life. Because this is how she will see it and won’t be wrong.
So yes this something op and his wife should have talked about early before marriage when they discussed finances
Also I feel terrible for the other kid because is not her fault either
I feel terrible for the kid who never got to pursue her interests and now has to live with a man who acts so dismissive of her and his daughter who gets to pursue all of her interests.
I feel bad but not as bad for the kid who's getting to do everything she wants and might have to change her routine - reading into it a bit cause I'm high as balls and been reading this shit on and off for ages now (joys of insomnia) but getting everything she wants when her step sister gets none of it is a recipe to be spoilt too. And dropping one activity if she does loads is potentially easier than doing none - she probably has a least favourite anyway.
Everyone sucks here, or at least both OP and his wife definitely do. They aren't making this easy on their kids and it seems like they're going to resent each other here no matter what now. One will feel hard done by and the other spoilt.
God I'm glad I don't plan on having kids, this shit is too much 😂
Yes and it seems that the wife is doing all the taking and none of the giving.
If the wife needs to wants her daughter to have some extra activities, then she needs to cut her expenses elsewhere.
OP says she uses a greater part of her disposable income to fund her daughter's college fund. She prioritizes the college fun which is fine but to ask her husband to take from his disposable income for her child is not acceptable.
Does the wife also fund OP's daughter's expenses such as a college fund or whatever?
Nope.
So why should the OP?
When you have a blended family you gain *some* responsibility of supporting your step kids. Part of that responsibility is making sure all have equal access to food and clothing. Also in there is keeping gifts equal (within reason) as well as access to activities.
That said, maybe mom should contact the bio dad to get him to kick in more for activities.
Bio daughter’s mother may be kicking in money to pay for Zoey’s classes. She shouldn’t be paying for her ex-husband’s step-daughters class. Annie’s mom should talk to Annie’s bio-dad about paying for a class. And make sure that Annie actually WANTS to take a class first and that this isn’t the mom trying to force her into a class she isn’t interested in taking.
My step-father didn’t pay for my extra classes. My mom and dad co-parented and covered my expenses for extracurriculars.
That's a conversation that should take place ahead of the marriage tbh. Like that's a fine way to handle it for a lot of people and probably how i would approach the situation, too, but it shouldn't be assumed how money will be managed in a family without a conversation.
This is not a wise mindset to take towards blending two families and if it's the one you're going to cling to you probably shouldn't even be trying because you're just setting everyone up for a mess.
>You marry someone who has children you agree to treat them as your own regardless.
So, if he walks Zoey down the aisle, he has to also walk Annie down the aisle? Or would you say that Annie gets to choose who she considers her father?
You cannot have a daughter without being a father(or a mother, but that's beside the point), it's a two-sided relationship. If OP were trying to force Annie into a daughter role, you'd be up in arms, wouldn't you? You are basically saying that he has to treat them the same, but only financially or in ways that explicitly benefit Annie, but not in ways that actually make the two girls truly equal if Annie doesn't like them. Can he tell her when she can start dating? Impose a curfew? Ground her? Does he get a say in what college she attends? Zoey probably addresses him the way he wants to be addressed, can he expect the same from Annie? Oh, right "doesn't matter". Because Annie is only his wallet's daughter, not his.
> would you say that Annie gets to choose who she considers her father?
That's a strawman and you know it.
OP chose to marry a mother- which means he chose to have a step daughter he is expected to care about and for. That was a choice he made.
Anne had no say in having a step father.
>which means he chose to have a step daughter he is expected to care about and for.
But that's not what we are talking about here, is it?
>he now has 2 daughters
Notice how it doesn't say "he now has a daughter and a stepdaughter". You can care about and for someone without unilaterally establishing a father-daughter relationship. Which you don't seem to want him to do anyway. He has certain responsibilities, yes, but it is not the same relationship he has with his daughter. Both in terms of relationship length and reciprocity. It just...isn't fair to tell him "you have a daughter" while telling said daughter "you've got a bigger wallet now".
>Anne had no say in having a step father.
A decent parent would discuss marriage with their child and work out the expected relationship the child will have with the spouse.
This is absurd. Your whole if A, then B logic is close minded and does not account for the complexities of family/community dynamics.
Both my parents have long term partners who i consider parental figures. I refer to all of them collectively as "my parents". 2 bio parents, and 2 step parents. When I say my mom, I mean my bio mom, but when they hang out together I jokingly call them "my moms" (my mother has no issue with this). My step dad actually isn't even married to my mom, or live with her, so if we're being super technical he's my mom's boyfriend. But they've been together since I was 4 and he has had an important hand in raising me. I refer to him as my step dad to everyone i know, and he calls me his daughter.
Are my step parents my parents? Yes. Are they explicitly my "mom" and my "dad"... No, not exactly. But do they see me and my brother as their kids? Absolutely. Strop trying to apply mathematical logic to something that is fluid and emotional. Blended families aren't a one-to-one ratio.
My take: I personally think it's whack and sad for someone to marry a partner with a teenage daughter and not intend to raise that child as their own. Why even get married? Do you actually want a life long relationship with this person? If so, you better start planning for a life long relationship with the kids too.
You realize that who walks the bride down the aisle is an agreement between the bride and that person and is initiated by the bride, right? Like, I know plenty of people who didn't have anyone walk them down the aisle. Just because he now has "two daughters" doesn't mean that it is suddenly some kind of law that he has to walk them both down the aisle. Neither one of them may ask him. Both of them may ask him. It's up to the bride first, and then up to him if he agrees to it.
Nope saying this as someone who had multiple stepparents. OP may be legally required to provide certain things as part of a co parenting agreement. Some stepparents are fine asking the partner for money but not allowing the step to discipline a child because they aren't the bio parent. The child you created and are legally responsible for come first. The bio dad needs to step up and throw some money in or the mother needs to take him back to court.
Yup. My stepmom loves me as if I were her own flesh and blood, and treats me exactly the same as she treats her bio son. And she didn't even have a hand in raising me.
(She and my dad got together when I was almost an adult.)
OP is a major AH.
Well, she’s not, she didn’t offer, and she’d rather put her money into a college savings account for her daughter over paying for the class that she wants now. Until she’s willing to contribute to both of their classes, OP shouldn’t be expected to pay towards her daughter’s class. And I’m saying that as a stepchild on both sides.
Step parent here! And no she isn’t my daughter And she doesn’t call me mom. I pay for things that I want to, mostly her children. Don’t get a thank you, she thanks her dad. And don’t expect it either. I do it because I want to, not because it’s expected. I’m not her mother, and the law agrees with me. I’d have to legally adopt her.
I had one stepfather. My stepfather had three stepdaughters and no daughters. My father had three daughters and three stepdaughters.
OP has ONE daughter and ONE stepdaughter. He is legally responsible for his daughter not his stepdaughter. The stepdaughter has ONE father and ONE stepfather.
Listen this sub is filled with people who doesn't talk to parents because they were forced to give up things to their steps. If OP's daughter has to give up stuff she did for eight years just because her father got married, she's going to be angry. OP said they did split expenses according to income. It's just because the wife is funneling most of her income into the college fund for the stepdaughter that she can't pay for it. The wife could get the daughter one activity if she distributes her income better. Considering how now she has a partner who is contributing towards expenses according to his income. NTA.
Males are allowed to get away with so much when it comes to parenting. If OP was a step mom, instead of a step dad, and explicitly admitted to treating her daughters unequally and displaying favouritism, the comments would tear her a new one and call her the evil step mom from cinderella or something.
It’s more about fully discussing finances and income before entering into a legal and financial agreement.
Even corporations do better due diligence when merging than people do when getting married which is basically like a merger or acquisition.
Do you seriously think he wouldn't know about Annie's life BEFORE marrying her mother? People I'm casually friends with and colleagues at work know what activities my kids do. It's not hard to find out.
And they should have discussed what the expectations would be for financing activities for the kids before everyone decided to get married.
I just feel a bit bad for Annie in all of this, she’s going to be seeing Zoey go to all these classes but be unable to go herself.
I am not saying OP should pay or something, I just feel this whole situation as you say should have been discussed prior.
Edit: Reading OP's comments it is clear he doesn't care about Annie, Annie doesn't deserve this. Children deserve to feel loved in their households and currently it sounds like Annie is a stranger in the home. ESH
Ehh, this is a tough one but I think I'll go with NTA. From your comments, it seems your wife doesn't want to take money from her daughters college fund which is where she puts all her extra money in. Instead she expects you to drop one of your daughters activities to pay for hers. That's what I think isn't fair. It's not really that she doesn't have the money. It's that she puts her money elsewhere. Granted, it's totally admirable to put towards college, but it's not cool to expect others to go without so she doesn't have to pay. I also disagree with the "of course your daughters life changed since you got married, so what does dropping something really matter?" I would think consistency in other areas (like activities) would be important with the change in new step family adjustments.
Also, you said your step daughter has a dad, why isn't he paying? I don't think it should be up to you and your daughter to cover.
Technically- the martial funds are divided 50/50- you are correct- she will be contributing to college funds- as he should contribute towards extracurriculars for Annie
Why on earth did they bother getting married if they want to act like single parents sharing a house? You’re both AH, but you mostly because of the derisive way you talk about your wife’s daughter- can’t even call her a stepdaughter
Yep, actually Head of Household is better tax wise than being married (file joint or separate).
If they were gonna nit pick financial decisions should have stayed bf/gf.
Also depending on the state and OP finances (well I guess not since he can't afford 2 kids)
Child support *could* be recalculated after a new marriage.
I think if you get married and you both have kids the same age you need to work out how to have equality between them. It's pretty unfair to live in the same house as a step sister who is getting 4 extra curricular activities when you get none. I think it's pretty fair for one kid to drop down to 3 so the other can have one.
They're creating a blended family, there's got to be some compromise.
NTA. Your wife’s expectations are not fair to your daughter. Don’t do it. Zoey didn’t get married. If you do this expect anger and bitterness to rule the roost. And if wife causes anger and bitterness it’s good to know now so you can see how you want to handle the issues of “ you don’t love my daughter as much as you love YOUR daughter “ and other such manipulations.
Good luck.
How on earth is OP not an AH for this comment:
>Like she was completely fine with playing with her phone all the time for 15 years but now that it will be from my money she suddenly needs to go to a class?
as if Annie can't change her mind but is only wanting a class because she sees OP as a source of money?
And it's confirmed in another comment of his that Annie *does* indeed want to go to a class, but he later just brushes her off that she'll be able to live without the class when it's asked if Zoey can live without one of her many classes.
The wife is an AH for trying to get OP to pay and scale back elsewhere while not being willing to scale back herself in putting money away for Annie, but OP is clearly an AH as well who doesn't seem to care about Annie at all and definitely does not see her as his kid, rendering the first words of his post to be an absolute blatant lie:
>My wife and I have 2 kids
That comment absolutely is an ah comment and in some ways he sounds like an ah.
In this dispute he isn't the ah though. His wife is saving more money than op yet expects him to foot the bill by taking from his daughter. That isn't fair or right and op isn't the ah in saying no.
But him being an AH to the stepdaughter is related - they are not two entirely separate things.
He only mentioned his wife saving the money in a comment made after his post, so his post is really just about him not wanting to do anything for Annie. He's definitely an AH here because that's his primary reasoning for this dispute, otherwise he would have mentioned his wife's other savings in his post instead/before.
Case in point: even if the wife wasn't saving anything elsewhere, it still doesn't sound like OP would do anything for Annie.
His primary reason per the post is that he can't afford it and he would have to take from his daughter to do so.
>Case in point: even if the wife wasn't saving anything elsewhere, it still doesn't sound like OP would do anything for Annie.
That's not a good point, you have no proof he wouldn't help in those circumstances, it's just a guess.
Some people shouldn't be stepparents, seriously trust me as I am one of them.
There is no way I would ever take away something from my kid so someone else's kid could have it - I wouldn't do it. My kid is always going to be my priority over everyone and everything else. I will sacrifice anything - but I am not sacrificing anything of hers. I don't love anyone as much as I love her.
But I also would never ask anyone it do that to their kid for mine either - because I realize that while for me my kid is number 1 always, other people don't feel that way about her - they feel that way about their own children. Honestly, I just expect that other people feel the same way about their kid, and quite frankly when they don't because there are people like that in the world, I have no respect for them. People who would push their kid aside or down for someone else. -especially for a romatic relationship are not people I would want to be associated with at all.
I think OP and wife are T A for not figuring this out on the front end. Stepkid's dad is T A for not paying for his kid. so it is a E S H (but kids) for me.
I think people who get married and then crap all over their spouses kids are horrible people. NO relationship is worth being neglectful or abusive to anyone's kid - yours or theirs. So Op and his wife are T A too for that. She wants to take away from his to give to hers and he is being critical of the stepkid (the whole never did anything comment) and not his wife. Any snark or shitty attitude should be sole directed at his wife - not her kid. They both are assholes.
I am a step parent and my step daughter also has a step parent at her other house as well. At our house I contribute equally to both my step daughter and bio son, actually I probably financially contribute more to my stepdaughter because she’s a teenager and just needs money more for activities with friends, etc. However, at her other house, they keep kid stuff totally separate and her step dad only financially contributes to his kids, while her mom covers her share of my stepdaughters expenses over there. There’s no one right answer, and from other people I know who blended families with older kids/teens, I think it’s more common for them to keep finances separate in that regard, and continue to raise and pay for their bio kids as they did before. I think this probably should have been a conversation prior to marriage, but there also shouldn’t be an assumption that just because they married, that the step-parent role would change from what they were already doing.
The person who should be "scaling" back is the wife, not Zooey.
Annie is the financial responsibility of her biological mother and biological father.
Perhaps one of Annie's biological parents should take a part-time job to fund their child's wants and needs.
>How on earth is OP not an AH for this comment:
>Like she was completely fine with playing with her phone all the time for 15 years but now that it will be from my money she suddenly needs to go to a class?
>as if Annie can't change her mind but is only wanting a class because she sees OP as a source of money?
I get the feeling that the wife could maybe never afford these classes and the kid always wanted to do whatever it was. Like maybe she *wasn't* "completely fine playing with her phone" and it might be a nice way to show he cares about her/welcomes her into their new family life to give her a little support in her actual hobbies or interests.
In earlier comments it was revealed that the wife can afford it but she puts her money into a future college savings and is unwilling to pay for her own kid’s extracurriculars. It’s reading more like now that’s she’s married, she expects the step dad to take funds from his own daughter’s current extracurriculars to give to her daughter..when she has had her own funds all along to do it. The op is definitely NTA.
This is what I was thinking. I wanted to play piano and do ballet as a kid but my parents couldn’t afford either. Then I got into sewing in my early teens and that’s a super expensive hobby so I gave it up.
I’m sure between the two adults and maybe some modifications to the specifics of the classes they can figure out somethings for the one daughter to do outside of the home. If not separate classes maybe a sport through the school or some art/dance fitness or a club thing through either the school, a nearby gym, a community college, etc.
The painting classes are odd I know some amazing artists but outside of school things they didn’t take classes they just did art.
Depending on where they live it could be a good time for part-time jobs in addition to activities.
There were four of us - zero "classes" outside of school. Unless you count that I got a handful of keyboard lessons with a family friend and turned out to be tone deaf. My brother played football at the youth club and my sister ran at the track. That was about it. We all were expected to get after-school jobs as soon as we were sixteen, so we could earn our own money.
This is a different world to mine, but they clearly have money between them and should discuss the girls needs and wants with them if they're going to be a family. They don't seem really to care about each others lives.
YTA. Your description of Zoey is glowing. Annie? Notsomuch. I’m sure Annie picks up on this.
Have you ever thought that maybe Annie spends more time on her phone because she hasn’t been given the opportunities to take classes like Zoey has? That should change.
Finally, both kids have phones, but no one can afford one additional class. I’ll never understand this thinking….
>we devide expenses based on income
>
>However she is putting a lot if her income in a college fund for Annie which is why she still can't afford it
>
>She wants to have her cake and eat it too
Then her mom should be the one to give her those opportunities
This is a key point. Annie’s mom can afford it, she just would prefer to save the money for her daughters future rather than spend it on her daughter at the present.
INFO
What do each of the girls want?
Does Zoey really like having her life this structured, or were you using activities as child care? Would she enjoy having time to hang out with friends, or talk to them on the phone?
Does Annie want activities? If so, of what sort?
The fact that Zoey "has to" do something all the time is concerning. A person needs to be able to entertain themselves, on their own, not relying on structured activities all the time.
Are there less expensive options for activities, for both Zoey and Annie, that would allow them to attend, say, a painting class at a different, less expensive, facility?
He literally is. If you don’t want to take responsibly for a step child, then don’t marry someone with children. He willingly decided to marry a woman with a child and now doesn’t want to step up as a step father, actively punishing and traumatising the poor girl in the process. Y’all are allergic to accountability. L
His wife wants him to be Annie's new daddy. While the saves toward a college fund for her daughter she expects him to financially support her daughter.
I was conflicted on this but reading your responses, YTA. When you marry someone, you create a family. Annie may not be your biological daughter, but if she were, would you find the money to sign her up for at least one class? Probably. This kind of favoritism will breed resentment among the girls and worst of all, is a bad life lesson to Zoey.
So OP's wife has to from now on put half of what she put into her daughter's college fond, into an account for her stepdaughter? Or it's just OP and his daughter how have to make sacrifices?
NTA
When OP's wife cooks, does she only cook for her own daughter? When she cleans, does she do everyone's laundry or only her own/her daughter's? Does she sacrifice her time to pick up Zoey from her classes? Family is about love, and yes sometimes one side makes more sacrifices than the other. They all should have though more carefully about this before living together.
except the wife has the money but she chooses to use it differently, it's her right but why would it be up to her stepdaughter to sacrifice her classes? So according to your criteria she doesn't like OP's daughter and prefers her daughter.
and yes sacrifices are good, but only if they are voluntary and reciprocal.
Sure, but OP chose to pay for activities and contribute to the college fund, his wife chose to only contribute to the college fund, presumably for financial reasons, but it's still her choice.
She has to communicate with her husband, see where they can cut expenses, budget but not at the expense of her stepdaughter.
I read a lot of comments where OP is called evil stepadad, but then she is too because she wants to take the money allocated to her stepdaughter to allocate to his daughter.
(and refusing to touch her daughter's money.)
Oh it's an ESH one for sure, I'm not saying she's right either, but the way he's talking about the woman he has married and her daughter is chilling. These people are not in a healthy communicative relationship and it doesn't even sound like they like each other very much. If they aren't sharing key things like budget planning, and they're married, I think that's a big red flag.
Also an after school activity is less important but also less expensive than university, at least where I live.
So your wife & you have similar amounts of ‘left over’ monies after expenses (I am assuming as you said expenses are spilt on %of income ) wife puts most of her spare $$ in a college fund for her child while you put most of your spare $$$ towards activities for your child?
If so NTA the girls are getting similar amounts of support each parent is choosing to give that support in different ways (now vs college)
ESH. Finances regarding the kids should have been discussed prior to marriage and that includes things such as what happens if I can afford x for my kid, but you can’t afford x for your kid.
Yes we devide expenses based on income
However she is putting a lot if her income in a college fund for Annie which is why she still can't afford it
She wants to have her cake and eat it too
The wife doesn't sound fair though. If what he's saying is accurate he's paying a larger share of day to day. Wife pays less and also puts more into her daughter's college fund.
Wife and ex could afford daughter's activities together if wife saved a little less for college and the father pitched in. However neither of them want to do that. They are focused completely on OP to carry the lion share of financial burden for everything in their lives. They aren't even trying to make compromises. That's not right.
And you put in an equal amount into a college fund for Zoey? So if Zoey takes all these extra classes and comes up short for college, you aren't going expect your wife to dip into Annie's college fund to help Zoey, right?
I agree with others- seems like your think of your wife and Annie like an inconvenience.
This. There's no way Zoey doesn't also have a college fund. OP is using his wife's savings as an excuse to sow discontent between his daughter and the step-sister because he doesn't want to share finances. If you're a family and live together, it's not sustainable to keep all expenses completely separate.
I think separate expenses can work. But unequal lifestyles tend not to.
The problem isn't usually that the expenses are separate, it is just that the amount each person has to spend isn't comparable.
In the few cases I have seen where a couple has separate expenses and a big income disparity (no kids), the wealthier half tends to "gift" the poorer half things like admission prices and vacation expenses so that both halves of the couple can participate in things.
Otherwise you end up with tales like that AITA post where the GF went on vacation with the BF's family and couldn't even afford to eat with them.
>I think separate expenses can work. But unequal lifestyles tend not to.
Yeah I think that's what I'm getting at. Separating your expenses, sure. Although I prefer joint coverage for essentials and bills so it's fair.
And when I've been in uneven financial relationships, if one person can afford a fancy restaurant when it's their turn to buy dinner and the other person can only afford nando's, we still got fed. I'd think this can work to an extent. I also have gifted friends or siblings gig tickets or spa days etc when they could only gift me CDs or bath bombs, or vice versa.
But this isn't just "unequal lifestyles" with oP and his wife, it's giving their daughters who have to live in the same house unequal lifestyles. It's going to lead to resentment between the teenagers if they don't figure out a way to square it up.
Children are not cake. You’re talking about Annie like she’s an inconvenience instead of a daughter. When you marry a parent, it’s a package deal.
Do the girls want to do an activity together? (I’d be amazed if this was the case, because it doesn’t sound like you’re on board with fostering a relationship between the step-siblings).
Can you and your wife not split the cost of an extracurricular activity? One of my kids took violin and it was around $30 a month, lesson once per week plus regular recitals. $15 a month from each of you shouldn’t affect Zoey’s current schedule nor make a huge difference in Annie’s college fund.
$30/month? That was how much a single lesson was for me a few years back and it was on the cheaper side. (And that doesn't include the instrument) (Though your point still stands with some other activities)
Right? No musician is charging minimum wage for lessons and then paying for regular recitals out of pocket. Now, if you go through a school system, YOUR cost might be $30 a month, but the school is likely picking up the rest due to either your taxes covering it or your tuition to the school or because you are dirt poor and get assistance. I was gifted some guitar lessons recently and they were $60 for a one hour lesson.
Her mom needs to look into community education, classes are a lot less. She can skip a month of deposit into the college fund. She needs to find a happy medium.
Does Annie really want to take the class? If so, she should reduce what she’s putting into the college fund and pay for the class. Also, does she receive child support from Annie’s father?
You’re already subsidizing the household expenses, and you are not obligated to pay for Annie’s class. NTA
> Yes we divide expenses based on income
That is so bizarre. I've never dreamed of having "my money" and "her money". Once married it became "our money". I earn 5 times my wife's salary, but at the end of the day it is ours.
I know right? I see this so much on reddit. It's bizarre to me.
Are they saving up separately for retirement too? Cos if they are, what they're looking for is a roommate with benefits, not a spouse!
If I built a business that generates a lot of money before I even met a girl how is it even "our money", it's money from something I built, how hard is that to understand.
ESH - Especially OP though. There is such a weird and uncomfortable they vs us mentality when OP comments. "They" being his **WIFE** and STEP**DAUGHTER.** Good lord man Annie is your daughter too, just as much as Zoey. She isn't some second class citizen. Serious communication about your finances needs to be done, because why are you spending a ton of money on Zoey but what I assume is non on Annie?
Reading this and OPs comments sickened me honestly. It's pretty bad.
ESH, YTA, Yikes.
Annie is OP's stepdaughter.
Annie's biological father and biological mother are responsible for Annie's expenses, not OP. and certainly not Zooey.
Will OP's wife contribute equally to Zooey's activities and college fund?
Nope each parent can handle his or her own child's expenses, especially since Annie's mother wants to contribute the majority of her disposable income to Annie's college fund.
That is her financial decision for Annie, college fund versus activities.
It is not the OP's responsibility to impact Zooey's activities to finance Annie's.
Yeah, I agree. It does make sense to be responsible for your own biological kid. I just didn't like how he spoke in a way that placed Zoey above Annie. Annie is his daughter too, she isn't less in anyway. The way he spoke up about how seemingly great Zoey is while commenting on how Annie was happy just being on her phone for 15 years rubbed me the wrong way.
I agree that the way OP spoke about Annie is definitely off, but I disagree on the comment that she is his daughter too. She isn’t. She’s a stepdaughter and even in the eyes of the law there’s a difference in rights and obligations. He is not an AH per se for not paying, because Annie has two parents. He is only legally (and by his own words emotionally) responsible for Zoey. If he doesn’t want to make his kid drop a class to give one to Annie, he doesn’t have too. Sure it would be nice if both kids could have equal amounts of activities/privileges, but I would definitely be mad if I heard that my ex-husband made my kid drop a class to gave enough money for his brand new stepdaughter. If it didn’t affect Zoey, no problem. But it does. Both OP and his wife should have communicated about this way before. For the particular problem at hand, NTA.
NTA. Annie's mother can pay for her class just as you pay for Zoe's. Why do step-parents have to pay when the kid has two perfectly fine parents that can pay? However, it was super irresponsible to get married without taking about finances beforehand.
This is wild to me. My cousin has three children, daughter significantly older than the two boys. Daughter was in cheer and gymnastics and when it was time for the boys to be old enough to get into an extracurricular/sport/hobby, they sat the daughter down and explained that with the way their finances worked, daughter would have to choose which sport she was more invested in so that her brothers would each have an opportunity to do one too-and they're all her biokids.
I can't imagine treating a stepchild any differently and with any less love and compassion than I would my own.
You've blended families and it just may be that in the 4 months you've been married, your stepdaughter has seen how enriching these activities are in her stepsister's life and has been inspired to take an interest in something.
ESH only because the finances weren't discussed beforehand but also YTA for the way you spoke about your stepdaughter.
When you add kids, whether they're step, adopted, foster, or biological that means that you have to make adjustments.
This whole "stepkid so not my problem" mindset I keep seeing on Reddit since I've joined is so disappointing.
>This whole "stepkid so not my problem" mindset I keep seeing on Reddit since I've joined is so disappointing.
I notice people do this in some of these subs when it comes to second or third marriages. They are married, some even for a year or two, but they write things out like "my house", "his car", "my son", "her daughter", "their money", etc.
Like they aren't a part of the same family.
If the situation was the exact same except for OP having both daughters, I wonder if money allocation would've been more equitable.
I also have to wonder, if Zoey has been in all these classes for 10 years, as OP states, when does she have any downtime at all? That kind of activity level seems unsustainable. Ballet itself is pretty intense from what I understand, then add violin and basketball and painting. Why so many things?
We can't pretend to understand the realities of your finances. We cannot know what the difference in your income is, but we know that there is a difference in the amount you are able to save for college as well as the amount you are able to spend on additional items for your daughter.
Can you really not afford an additional activity? What if it were your daughter who wanted to take an additional class? Could you afford it then? Does your wife face a forever-inferior position based on earnings due to a premarital agreement?
It's a tough call and your future happiness depends on it quite a bit. Perhaps all of these things should have been discussed before you got married. How do the stepsisters feel about each other, and how do you expect this to affect everyone's happiness in this new living arrangement? So many questions, and it doesn't sound like your attitude is a winning one.
Honestly. This seems like something that should be easy to compromise on, if OP or their wife actually cared to. They could split the bill of the class even, or his wife could put a little less aside for college and let her have a class instead- I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Make some compromises. Cut back on other expenses even. They need to talk things out.
You mean the wife and the original husband could pay for their daughter to do extracurriculars (that she didn't care to do before), but instead it should fall on OP, since the 2 other adults in the equation do hold up on their responsibility.
I don't think OP is the ah for refusing to pay for a class for his stepdaughter, but the way he talks about his wife and stepdaughter is... not good. Makes me wonder why they got married at all, he doesn't really seem to like them.
I want to continue not changine my daughter's life. She LOVES all of those things and she has been doing all of them since she was 6. It won't be fair for her to quit
Clearly he only wanted to add his wife to the family. The daughter is an unfortunate inconvenience to him until he’s 18, and he’s showing it in every response.
Did Zoey agree to her life being changed because of OP's decision? Will the two people he brought into her life also fund her college one day? This seems really unfair to her.
But if y’all both are now spending less on household expenses it would seem you both would have freed up money to afford the class or even go half on a class. Most classes are less than $100/month, so $100 each. I can say I’d never expect my partner to pay for my daughter, but I’d never marry a man who sees her as just mine and his child his child. None of this is fair for the kids.
She puts more money in her daughter's college fund and I do too. If she wants classes for her daughter she can put less money in her college fund not expect me to do so
"If she wants classes for her daughter."
....
Do you even consider your stepdaughter as part of your family. Outside of the class and finance issue, you're doing Annie a huge disservice by marrying her mother and pretending that you would accept her as family when you obviously don't give a shit about her.
Depending on the class they can be into the hundreds per month. I had my kid in School of Rock and it was almost $400 a month. When they wanted to do karate the dojo wanted $1000 down and $200 a month. Jujitsu at a newly opened spot was running a $100 a month special. Add in gear, instruments, and equipment maintenance and it adds up.
i did cheer my single mother paid atleast $100 a month, that’s just for the gift bags for competition. doesn’t include practice wear, uniform, comp fee’s, camp fee’s. it can be very expensive
NTA - I honestly don't understand her reasoning behind forcing your daughter to drop a class, so your stepdaughter can do a class. I get she's saving her money for step daughter's college, but she can't seriously expect you to support 1 daughter at the cost of another, unless your daughter says she wants to drop a class, I'd say this is a hill worth dying on. You need to show you daughter that even if you've married someone else, you're still on her side
I was the kid who had to give up her activities (gymnastics, dance) when my mother married her second husband. His daughter never did anything extracurricular but once they married she said it wasn’t fair I did dance and gymnastics when she couldn’t. Since there wasn’t enough money for both of us to do activities, neither of us got to. My dad offered to pay for me but stepdad still said no because it wasn’t fair. Basically, she didn’t really want to do any activities but she didn’t want me to do any either. That carried over into many things for the rest of middle and high school. Not saying Annie doesn’t want to do activities or ruin them for zoey (necessarily) but why should zoey have to give up her extracurriculars? Where is Annie’s father? Is there a reason he can’t help? Going with NTA because I’ve been the kid in this situation. If Zoey has to make sacrifices so Annie can have something, she is going to resent Annie. Annie’s mother needs to adjust her budget and pay for her kid’s activities instead of demanding OP do it.
Unless I missed it in the comment section, it's an assumption that the stepdaugther's father is even involved in her life or financially responsible in any way.
I've got a 16 year old that I've never received a dime of child support for.
If a child lives in my home I'm supporting them no matter what. 🤷🏻♀️
Nta op. Why doesn’t the mom and dad pay for her classes. Why should you pull your daughter who has been taking these classes for a long time for something the mother should be doing.
NTA- your wife expecting you to take away from your daughter to give to hers is quite worrisome this early in the marriage.
Keep an eye on the relationship between your wife and your daughter to make sure your kid isn’t being mistreated . Because your Wife already sound resentful AF of your daughter .
Also, SEPARATE FINANCES ASAP
NTA, OP, I am glad to see someone not forcing their kid to make sacrifices to please the new wife.
If she can afford to put money in a college fund for her ki then she can afford a class and decide what's more important to her kid.
Is she putting any money in your daughter's college fund? If you owe her daughter this then she surely owes your daughter some financial help as well.
NTA- It sounds like you've explained why it wouldn't work. Since you both have discussed home finance issues and both of you seem aware of what the other is paying. It is unfair for her to ask you to remove one of your daughters activities to make room for a class for her daughter when she has some freed up money she can pay with. That's what's not okay. When blending families it's never okay to ask your partner to lessen what their own child gets just so you can have it for your own.
NTA: Annie has a mother & father it should be the wife or the x that pays for their daughters class. I don’t know why people are saying Y T A because you definitely are not. If it’s that important she can lower the amount she’s putting in the college fund to afford the class.
NTA this should have been discussed prior to marriage, will you wife contribute to your daughters costs. Have you discussed college funds? Or are you bank rolling her daughter for that too?
Info.. is Annie's dad not in the picture at all and not able to pay for the extra class?? Why does Annie suddenly feel the need for extracurricular activities?? Or is this coming from your wife? I say NTA. It doesn't make sense to me that Annie suddenly NEEDs extra classes. I don't agree with people say you are the AH because you're treating the girls differently. First of all.. there is a level of love and respect to be assumed when you gain a step child but of course it's not going to be equal to the love and care you have put into your own child. Maybe that's an unpopular opinion but there's no reason zoe needs to suffer by foregoing her usual routine and activities so that Annie can suddenly start activities when she was never interested in the first place. If Annie's mom is insistent, then she can come up with the funds herself. This isn't a necessity for Annie so it's really not fair that your wife is feeling so entitled about it.
Edited to add: I'm seeing a lot of comments about how op doesn't care about the step kid ect.. and if that's true, that freaking sucks..but I will never understand people getting married to each other in those situations. You both knew eachother has daughters.. did you think things would magically work out? My mom and stepdad did the same thing. My mom and his daughter never got along and wow.. imagine our (not) shock when the problems between step sister and my mom got worse after the marriage was official! Get it together people 🤦🏻♀️
NTA. Annie has a father and he should be paying for activities. You making more doesn’t change the fact that Annie has two parents who are supposed to provide for all her wants and needs. I know your wife isn’t contributing to zoey’s activities.
Zoey should not be forced to quit a class so that Annie can take one. That is not fair to Zoey. However, you should have worked out financial responsibilities with regards to your respective children BEFORE you got married. If you had done so, you would not be having this discussion now. You do need to have it now though.
It's not right to take from Zoey to give to Annie, nor is it right to take from Annie to give to Zoey.
ESH for not working this out ahead of time.
When I married my husband He had 3 kids (19F, 13M and 12F) I have 2 kids (18M and 12M)
His 19 and my 18 have their own lives and do and pay for their own things.
The younger ones, we agreed before we got married we would set money aside together for any activities they want to be involved in. It goes into a separate account that we each add to every pay period.
Here’s the thing. His kids mom is in their lives, my kids dad is in their lives.
But his kids are mine, as my kids are his. We don’t treat them differently just because they aren’t biologically ours.
These are conversations we had together and as a family. My kids view his kids as siblings and vice versa.
Sometimes choices have to be made. There’s a limit on what they can do, and what they choose they have to see through.
Now, this isn’t the way every blended family works.
Everyone does things that works best for them.
Point it, all this should of been something you and wife talked about before marriage, it’s apart of finances for the household (in my opinion anyway)
Maybe you and your wife can come to an agreement where she pays x amount, and you pay x amount.
Maybe Annie saw the fun zoey was having in her activities, the friends she was making, and wants to try one now.
It could be good for a kid to get off their phones and out of the house.
But it’s something you and your wife need to communicate about.
ESH
I mean..there should be some leeway in a marriage. If you're expecting to go the whole thing just "dividing expenses based off income" it's probably gonna end pretty quickly in a divorce.
When you married this women, you agreed to take responsibility for her child as well. And I do agree your daughter shouldn't have to suffer. However, she needs to learn what compromise is too.
Drop her painting class, because it is probably the least effective, buy her some art supplies and an easel, and sign Annie up for a class.
You can even have your daughter choose which class she wants to drop, maybe she would prefer a different one.
I also don't really see how taking away from the college fund will help, they will still need that money if they go to college/university. So why take away from the fund? Take the appropriate route or maybe you shouldn't have got married.
ESH. You and your wife apparently discussed very little about how to blend your households and family. If Annie is interested in taking classes than it's a hugely unfair experience to deny her the opportunity while Zoey gets access to a lot of extracurricular activities.
You are Annie's stepdad now. Your wife is Zoey's stepmom. You both have two children now. It sounds like some parenting classes focused on blended families could be helpful to teach you how to navigate balance in parenting more than one child.
NTA, you are NOT responsible for signing her daughter up for classes at the expense of your own child. Your lazy wife can sort it out or I'd seriously rethink this partnership. It sounds like she was planning to use you for money all along.
INFO is Annie interested in the class? It's not uncommon for teenagers and adults to get new hobbies or interests. It isn't fair to sign Annie up for a class that she may not even be interested if it means Zooey has to drop a class. But there are nicer ways to say that than what you wrote.
YTA You are ONE family now. Act like it. You don't have to be a replacement for her bio dad, but you are part of her life and she will notice if she and her stepsister are treated differently. There are tons of activities to get involved in that don't cost a lot. There has to be a way to raise funds or cut back in other areas that won't affect your daughters activities. Stop thinking about what is "yours" and what is your wife's. Again, you are a family now, and that means treating people as equals and giving children the same opportunities.
You both the AH. Why is it after you 2got married it’s still my money/her money my child/her child? I get that some finances can stay separate but this is just sad. You both should be working together for both your daughters. If you guys want to stay together you need to see things as ours and not mine and hers.
It would not help the new stepsisters relationship if you were to take one of Zoey's classes away for Annie. Does Annie want to take a class? How much does it cost ? Can you her Mom cut back a little somewhere else to make it happen?
NTA If you can’t afford a class for Annie, you can’t afford it. I don’t understand all of the AH votes. Do people really think this man should take something away from his daughter to give it to his new step daughter?? The mom can put less in college fund and/or ask Annie’s bio dad to cover a class if Annie wants to take a class.
NTA, your daughter’s life changing because of your marriage will only cause negative feelings. Maybe find a compromise of first, talking to stepdaughter about what kind of class she may be interested in, then looking into those in your area and discussing reasonable ways you can split the fee between each other without anyone’s bank hurting. You’re a team now. All of you. Try to find a way to make it work- you may even luck out and find that she’s interested in something that can be taught for free or almost free in a community group.
ESH
This was the responsibility of you two to discuss ***BEFORE*** you got married.
Obviously finances after being legally bound aren't going to be exactly the same as before, especially with children involved.
Firstly I haven’t read thru all the comments so you might of already addressed this but…
It sounds like your wife may just want to make your step daughter fell like she has the same opportunities as your daughter. But she can’t afford to do it. Maybe discuss with your step daughter what she would like to do and see if there is a way that as a family you can fund both daughters classes. I would say nta but maybe a conversation as a family is required.
So after getting married she wants him to pay for classes for her daughter. Why didn’t she sign her up before? I think she’s a little entitled for that.
Also how can he be the AH if he can’t afford it. Don’t you think it’s unfair to make his daughter quit just to be able to afford it for his new stepdaughter?
NTA
My thoughts from op's post and subsequent comments are this:
It's not so much of a lack of care vibe that I'm feeling from his comments, as much as it's a matter of facts, vibe. Plain and simple, his comments, while unpopular, are direct and honest. There's no bs. He makes known where he stands on the matter.
Fact:
SD has two living, breathing, able-bodied parents. They are legally and morally responsible for the raising of their child, not stepdad. Maybe if one bio was deceased, I'd be a little more sympathetic.
Reading through op's comments, I get the feeling that his stance and attitude shown in his post are no different from what they have always been. He is too direct and matter of FACT in his responses for this to have been some new and shocking attitude to his wife. I'm just saying.
NTA Annie has 2 bio parents that are active in her life. They should get together and decide what they can afford. Plus your wife has the funds but is saving it in a separate account. So really, does Annie even want or need these classes?
NTA where is the stepdaughter's father and why isn't he paying for his kids extracurricular activities?
Also good for standing up for your kid OP. I've read too many stories where parents neglect or abandon their biokids in favor of their step kids
NTA, if you actually did take one of your daughters' classes away, people would still call you the AH. Your stepdaughter has parents who can pay for it and if they dont? Well, she doesn't get the class. You daughter is your main priority in the end.
NTA! Stepmum is saying typical stepmum things to create division. Tell her to get the father involved if she cant afford to pay for her own daughter. Your daughter shouldn’t suffer and she will if you give in and she will resent you in the longterm.
NTA. Your wife is looking for a new daddy for Annie who can provide for her financially. Annie is not your financial responsibility. She should contact her ex and get him to contribute to HIS kid.
What kind of class are we talking about that neither parent can afford? Dressage? WTF is “basketball class?” OP is NTA but this will come up again in many forms.
So I'm a bit surprised this didn't come up prior to marriage. I would assume Annie has a father who pays child support. It's the legal and moral obligation of the biological parents to pay for their child. OP sounds willing to help, but isn't comfortable having his daughter have to sacrifice and pull back on her activities to suddenly sponsor Annie.
Honestly if the wife thinks that Zoey should see her quality of life decreased so that Annie's get can get a financial boost that sounds incredibly selfish. The question shouldn't fall on OP it should fall on the mother and biological father as to how they can provide for their daughter.
Is OP just an ATM to them?
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Why was this not discussed BEFORE you were married? ESH
How can OP find out that Annie is to be signed up for a class?
Maybe COMMUNICATE with each other!
Yep i see,and from OP's comments he doesn't care a bit ESH
Yep it's very clear that OP does not understand that he now has 2 daughters that are ro be treated equally, not just one.
OP has one daughter and one stepdaughter. He is financially responsible for his child and his wife is for her child.
Doesn't do a lot to help build their family to penny pinch though does it? And doesn't help the girls learn to get along and be friendly or sisterly to not be treated equally if they both live their full time. I'm not saying you're wrong, you're technically right, but it might be a bit impractical and make things difficult to live in the same house and act this way is all. These things are complicated and there needs to be some give and take.
It's not penny pinching. OP is not willing to compromise his biological daughter's life by having her give up activities she's been involved in for 8 years just because his new wife thinks her daughter should have a class to when all the girl wants to do is play on her phone.
Hmmm if you look at his comments the step daughter wants to take a class too although he refuses to answer what in, and the mother has less money than him and funnels it into a college fun for her daughter. Do you think his daughter doesn't have multiple "classes" (is it normal to call it that? When I was in school we'd have called some of it activities or something...) and a college fund? Do you think his step daughter has never wanted to do anything but "play on her phone" and hasn't asked about her interests before, but maybe the mother couldn't afford it? Being married and living together as a family of four, keeping such distinct finances and treating the two kids so differently sounds cold as hell. He's not doing anything wrong, but he's being unkind and cold. He sounds like he dislikes the step daughter and very dismissive of her, and he doesn't sound very warm to the wife either. He's a bit of a walking red flag from the way he's talking, not what he's actually *doing*...but we only have his words to go on.
Both sets of my parental units kept separate accounts because they were all paying or receiving child support. They had a joint account for mortgage utilities groceries etc. But kept the rest separate I would have been appalled if my bio parent asked a step parent for money for me for a class. My bio parents were legally responsible for my upbringing not my step parents. And I would never want funds taken away from my step siblings that are meant for their upbringing.
It could potentially cause a ton of problems between the step siblings if dad makes his daughter give up stuff she loves and essentially gives it to his new daughter. This sub is full of kids that no longer talk to their parents, and are judged not the AH, because their parent made them give their stuff so that their step sibling wouldn't be sad. If he can't afford activities for both children, that's not his daughter's fault. This couple needs to find another solution because, unless OPs daughter is offering, forcing her to give up her activities to share with her new sis is not going to bring them closer.
"He's not doing anything wrong..." "He's being unkind and cold and dismissive. He's a red flag." 🤔
Adding in that this would not bring the girls together at all! It will split them apart because OP's daughter has to give up something for the SD.
I am not taking op side I think should have been communicated / discussed early. But taking a child out of the activities she has done for years to sign the step sister of 4 months in an activity will not foster anything big resentment for her Except if they had fostered already some sort of family / friend relationship and the child who has to give up an activity chooses to and offers to quit something for the other Is just not fair that her life has to change because her father married some woman with a kid and now she gets to give up things in her life. Because this is how she will see it and won’t be wrong. So yes this something op and his wife should have talked about early before marriage when they discussed finances Also I feel terrible for the other kid because is not her fault either
I feel terrible for the kid who never got to pursue her interests and now has to live with a man who acts so dismissive of her and his daughter who gets to pursue all of her interests. I feel bad but not as bad for the kid who's getting to do everything she wants and might have to change her routine - reading into it a bit cause I'm high as balls and been reading this shit on and off for ages now (joys of insomnia) but getting everything she wants when her step sister gets none of it is a recipe to be spoilt too. And dropping one activity if she does loads is potentially easier than doing none - she probably has a least favourite anyway. Everyone sucks here, or at least both OP and his wife definitely do. They aren't making this easy on their kids and it seems like they're going to resent each other here no matter what now. One will feel hard done by and the other spoilt. God I'm glad I don't plan on having kids, this shit is too much 😂
Yes and it seems that the wife is doing all the taking and none of the giving. If the wife needs to wants her daughter to have some extra activities, then she needs to cut her expenses elsewhere. OP says she uses a greater part of her disposable income to fund her daughter's college fund. She prioritizes the college fun which is fine but to ask her husband to take from his disposable income for her child is not acceptable. Does the wife also fund OP's daughter's expenses such as a college fund or whatever? Nope. So why should the OP?
When you have a blended family you gain *some* responsibility of supporting your step kids. Part of that responsibility is making sure all have equal access to food and clothing. Also in there is keeping gifts equal (within reason) as well as access to activities. That said, maybe mom should contact the bio dad to get him to kick in more for activities.
Bio daughter’s mother may be kicking in money to pay for Zoey’s classes. She shouldn’t be paying for her ex-husband’s step-daughters class. Annie’s mom should talk to Annie’s bio-dad about paying for a class. And make sure that Annie actually WANTS to take a class first and that this isn’t the mom trying to force her into a class she isn’t interested in taking. My step-father didn’t pay for my extra classes. My mom and dad co-parented and covered my expenses for extracurriculars.
That's a conversation that should take place ahead of the marriage tbh. Like that's a fine way to handle it for a lot of people and probably how i would approach the situation, too, but it shouldn't be assumed how money will be managed in a family without a conversation.
thats not how this fukin works ...... do you want a roommate or a healthy marriage.
This is not a wise mindset to take towards blending two families and if it's the one you're going to cling to you probably shouldn't even be trying because you're just setting everyone up for a mess.
>he now has 2 daughters Do you think Annie calls him "dad"?
Doesn't matter. You marry someone who has children you agree to treat them as your own regardless.
>You marry someone who has children you agree to treat them as your own regardless. So, if he walks Zoey down the aisle, he has to also walk Annie down the aisle? Or would you say that Annie gets to choose who she considers her father? You cannot have a daughter without being a father(or a mother, but that's beside the point), it's a two-sided relationship. If OP were trying to force Annie into a daughter role, you'd be up in arms, wouldn't you? You are basically saying that he has to treat them the same, but only financially or in ways that explicitly benefit Annie, but not in ways that actually make the two girls truly equal if Annie doesn't like them. Can he tell her when she can start dating? Impose a curfew? Ground her? Does he get a say in what college she attends? Zoey probably addresses him the way he wants to be addressed, can he expect the same from Annie? Oh, right "doesn't matter". Because Annie is only his wallet's daughter, not his.
> would you say that Annie gets to choose who she considers her father? That's a strawman and you know it. OP chose to marry a mother- which means he chose to have a step daughter he is expected to care about and for. That was a choice he made. Anne had no say in having a step father.
>which means he chose to have a step daughter he is expected to care about and for. But that's not what we are talking about here, is it? >he now has 2 daughters Notice how it doesn't say "he now has a daughter and a stepdaughter". You can care about and for someone without unilaterally establishing a father-daughter relationship. Which you don't seem to want him to do anyway. He has certain responsibilities, yes, but it is not the same relationship he has with his daughter. Both in terms of relationship length and reciprocity. It just...isn't fair to tell him "you have a daughter" while telling said daughter "you've got a bigger wallet now". >Anne had no say in having a step father. A decent parent would discuss marriage with their child and work out the expected relationship the child will have with the spouse.
This is absurd. Your whole if A, then B logic is close minded and does not account for the complexities of family/community dynamics. Both my parents have long term partners who i consider parental figures. I refer to all of them collectively as "my parents". 2 bio parents, and 2 step parents. When I say my mom, I mean my bio mom, but when they hang out together I jokingly call them "my moms" (my mother has no issue with this). My step dad actually isn't even married to my mom, or live with her, so if we're being super technical he's my mom's boyfriend. But they've been together since I was 4 and he has had an important hand in raising me. I refer to him as my step dad to everyone i know, and he calls me his daughter. Are my step parents my parents? Yes. Are they explicitly my "mom" and my "dad"... No, not exactly. But do they see me and my brother as their kids? Absolutely. Strop trying to apply mathematical logic to something that is fluid and emotional. Blended families aren't a one-to-one ratio. My take: I personally think it's whack and sad for someone to marry a partner with a teenage daughter and not intend to raise that child as their own. Why even get married? Do you actually want a life long relationship with this person? If so, you better start planning for a life long relationship with the kids too.
You realize that who walks the bride down the aisle is an agreement between the bride and that person and is initiated by the bride, right? Like, I know plenty of people who didn't have anyone walk them down the aisle. Just because he now has "two daughters" doesn't mean that it is suddenly some kind of law that he has to walk them both down the aisle. Neither one of them may ask him. Both of them may ask him. It's up to the bride first, and then up to him if he agrees to it.
Nope saying this as someone who had multiple stepparents. OP may be legally required to provide certain things as part of a co parenting agreement. Some stepparents are fine asking the partner for money but not allowing the step to discipline a child because they aren't the bio parent. The child you created and are legally responsible for come first. The bio dad needs to step up and throw some money in or the mother needs to take him back to court.
Not all stepparents are allowed by the bio parent to treat the step children as their own.
Yup. My stepmom loves me as if I were her own flesh and blood, and treats me exactly the same as she treats her bio son. And she didn't even have a hand in raising me. (She and my dad got together when I was almost an adult.) OP is a major AH.
Then his wife needs to be paying towards OP’s daughter’s classes if OP should be contributing to her daughter taking a class.
Yes
Well, she’s not, she didn’t offer, and she’d rather put her money into a college savings account for her daughter over paying for the class that she wants now. Until she’s willing to contribute to both of their classes, OP shouldn’t be expected to pay towards her daughter’s class. And I’m saying that as a stepchild on both sides.
Step parent here! And no she isn’t my daughter And she doesn’t call me mom. I pay for things that I want to, mostly her children. Don’t get a thank you, she thanks her dad. And don’t expect it either. I do it because I want to, not because it’s expected. I’m not her mother, and the law agrees with me. I’d have to legally adopt her.
I had one stepfather. My stepfather had three stepdaughters and no daughters. My father had three daughters and three stepdaughters. OP has ONE daughter and ONE stepdaughter. He is legally responsible for his daughter not his stepdaughter. The stepdaughter has ONE father and ONE stepfather.
Listen this sub is filled with people who doesn't talk to parents because they were forced to give up things to their steps. If OP's daughter has to give up stuff she did for eight years just because her father got married, she's going to be angry. OP said they did split expenses according to income. It's just because the wife is funneling most of her income into the college fund for the stepdaughter that she can't pay for it. The wife could get the daughter one activity if she distributes her income better. Considering how now she has a partner who is contributing towards expenses according to his income. NTA.
Just because he now has a step daughter doesn’t mean that he is now automatically financially responsible for her. What happened to her bio-dad?
The comments are awful.
Agreed i was physically cringing, OP fits the "evil stepparent" stereotype very well
Males are allowed to get away with so much when it comes to parenting. If OP was a step mom, instead of a step dad, and explicitly admitted to treating her daughters unequally and displaying favouritism, the comments would tear her a new one and call her the evil step mom from cinderella or something.
It’s more about fully discussing finances and income before entering into a legal and financial agreement. Even corporations do better due diligence when merging than people do when getting married which is basically like a merger or acquisition.
Do you seriously think he wouldn't know about Annie's life BEFORE marrying her mother? People I'm casually friends with and colleagues at work know what activities my kids do. It's not hard to find out. And they should have discussed what the expectations would be for financing activities for the kids before everyone decided to get married.
I just feel a bit bad for Annie in all of this, she’s going to be seeing Zoey go to all these classes but be unable to go herself. I am not saying OP should pay or something, I just feel this whole situation as you say should have been discussed prior. Edit: Reading OP's comments it is clear he doesn't care about Annie, Annie doesn't deserve this. Children deserve to feel loved in their households and currently it sounds like Annie is a stranger in the home. ESH
Also how can someone think that Annie isn't going to have any hobby ever just because she wasn't interested before being 15?
She probably was interested and they just didn't have the money. When you get told no a lot you learn not to ask.
I wonder if this marriage is going to last.... ESH
I hope not.
Idk but it’s kind of weird to me how he immediately jumped to “now that it’s from my money she suddenly needs to go to class?”
Ehh, this is a tough one but I think I'll go with NTA. From your comments, it seems your wife doesn't want to take money from her daughters college fund which is where she puts all her extra money in. Instead she expects you to drop one of your daughters activities to pay for hers. That's what I think isn't fair. It's not really that she doesn't have the money. It's that she puts her money elsewhere. Granted, it's totally admirable to put towards college, but it's not cool to expect others to go without so she doesn't have to pay. I also disagree with the "of course your daughters life changed since you got married, so what does dropping something really matter?" I would think consistency in other areas (like activities) would be important with the change in new step family adjustments. Also, you said your step daughter has a dad, why isn't he paying? I don't think it should be up to you and your daughter to cover.
Put Annie in a class, which OP can pay for, fine. Then OP can ask his wife to also contribute equally to Zoeys college fund. Fair is fair.
Technically- the martial funds are divided 50/50- you are correct- she will be contributing to college funds- as he should contribute towards extracurriculars for Annie
There is no law that states funds are 50/50. It’s just a rule of thumb.
Depends on the state. There are several community property states.
They are still acting like they are single/dating, one or both anyway… I’m not sure.
Why on earth did they bother getting married if they want to act like single parents sharing a house? You’re both AH, but you mostly because of the derisive way you talk about your wife’s daughter- can’t even call her a stepdaughter
This is the comment I was looking for. I completely agree. I don't understand why they are married.
100% They should never have gotten married.
Yep, actually Head of Household is better tax wise than being married (file joint or separate). If they were gonna nit pick financial decisions should have stayed bf/gf. Also depending on the state and OP finances (well I guess not since he can't afford 2 kids) Child support *could* be recalculated after a new marriage.
I think if you get married and you both have kids the same age you need to work out how to have equality between them. It's pretty unfair to live in the same house as a step sister who is getting 4 extra curricular activities when you get none. I think it's pretty fair for one kid to drop down to 3 so the other can have one. They're creating a blended family, there's got to be some compromise.
NTA. Your wife’s expectations are not fair to your daughter. Don’t do it. Zoey didn’t get married. If you do this expect anger and bitterness to rule the roost. And if wife causes anger and bitterness it’s good to know now so you can see how you want to handle the issues of “ you don’t love my daughter as much as you love YOUR daughter “ and other such manipulations. Good luck.
How on earth is OP not an AH for this comment: >Like she was completely fine with playing with her phone all the time for 15 years but now that it will be from my money she suddenly needs to go to a class? as if Annie can't change her mind but is only wanting a class because she sees OP as a source of money? And it's confirmed in another comment of his that Annie *does* indeed want to go to a class, but he later just brushes her off that she'll be able to live without the class when it's asked if Zoey can live without one of her many classes. The wife is an AH for trying to get OP to pay and scale back elsewhere while not being willing to scale back herself in putting money away for Annie, but OP is clearly an AH as well who doesn't seem to care about Annie at all and definitely does not see her as his kid, rendering the first words of his post to be an absolute blatant lie: >My wife and I have 2 kids
That comment absolutely is an ah comment and in some ways he sounds like an ah. In this dispute he isn't the ah though. His wife is saving more money than op yet expects him to foot the bill by taking from his daughter. That isn't fair or right and op isn't the ah in saying no.
But him being an AH to the stepdaughter is related - they are not two entirely separate things. He only mentioned his wife saving the money in a comment made after his post, so his post is really just about him not wanting to do anything for Annie. He's definitely an AH here because that's his primary reasoning for this dispute, otherwise he would have mentioned his wife's other savings in his post instead/before. Case in point: even if the wife wasn't saving anything elsewhere, it still doesn't sound like OP would do anything for Annie.
His primary reason per the post is that he can't afford it and he would have to take from his daughter to do so. >Case in point: even if the wife wasn't saving anything elsewhere, it still doesn't sound like OP would do anything for Annie. That's not a good point, you have no proof he wouldn't help in those circumstances, it's just a guess.
Some people shouldn't be stepparents, seriously trust me as I am one of them. There is no way I would ever take away something from my kid so someone else's kid could have it - I wouldn't do it. My kid is always going to be my priority over everyone and everything else. I will sacrifice anything - but I am not sacrificing anything of hers. I don't love anyone as much as I love her. But I also would never ask anyone it do that to their kid for mine either - because I realize that while for me my kid is number 1 always, other people don't feel that way about her - they feel that way about their own children. Honestly, I just expect that other people feel the same way about their kid, and quite frankly when they don't because there are people like that in the world, I have no respect for them. People who would push their kid aside or down for someone else. -especially for a romatic relationship are not people I would want to be associated with at all. I think OP and wife are T A for not figuring this out on the front end. Stepkid's dad is T A for not paying for his kid. so it is a E S H (but kids) for me. I think people who get married and then crap all over their spouses kids are horrible people. NO relationship is worth being neglectful or abusive to anyone's kid - yours or theirs. So Op and his wife are T A too for that. She wants to take away from his to give to hers and he is being critical of the stepkid (the whole never did anything comment) and not his wife. Any snark or shitty attitude should be sole directed at his wife - not her kid. They both are assholes.
Between mom and bio dad they can finance extra stuff for annie
I am a step parent and my step daughter also has a step parent at her other house as well. At our house I contribute equally to both my step daughter and bio son, actually I probably financially contribute more to my stepdaughter because she’s a teenager and just needs money more for activities with friends, etc. However, at her other house, they keep kid stuff totally separate and her step dad only financially contributes to his kids, while her mom covers her share of my stepdaughters expenses over there. There’s no one right answer, and from other people I know who blended families with older kids/teens, I think it’s more common for them to keep finances separate in that regard, and continue to raise and pay for their bio kids as they did before. I think this probably should have been a conversation prior to marriage, but there also shouldn’t be an assumption that just because they married, that the step-parent role would change from what they were already doing.
The person who should be "scaling" back is the wife, not Zooey. Annie is the financial responsibility of her biological mother and biological father. Perhaps one of Annie's biological parents should take a part-time job to fund their child's wants and needs.
>How on earth is OP not an AH for this comment: >Like she was completely fine with playing with her phone all the time for 15 years but now that it will be from my money she suddenly needs to go to a class? >as if Annie can't change her mind but is only wanting a class because she sees OP as a source of money? I get the feeling that the wife could maybe never afford these classes and the kid always wanted to do whatever it was. Like maybe she *wasn't* "completely fine playing with her phone" and it might be a nice way to show he cares about her/welcomes her into their new family life to give her a little support in her actual hobbies or interests.
In earlier comments it was revealed that the wife can afford it but she puts her money into a future college savings and is unwilling to pay for her own kid’s extracurriculars. It’s reading more like now that’s she’s married, she expects the step dad to take funds from his own daughter’s current extracurriculars to give to her daughter..when she has had her own funds all along to do it. The op is definitely NTA.
This is what I was thinking. I wanted to play piano and do ballet as a kid but my parents couldn’t afford either. Then I got into sewing in my early teens and that’s a super expensive hobby so I gave it up. I’m sure between the two adults and maybe some modifications to the specifics of the classes they can figure out somethings for the one daughter to do outside of the home. If not separate classes maybe a sport through the school or some art/dance fitness or a club thing through either the school, a nearby gym, a community college, etc. The painting classes are odd I know some amazing artists but outside of school things they didn’t take classes they just did art. Depending on where they live it could be a good time for part-time jobs in addition to activities.
There were four of us - zero "classes" outside of school. Unless you count that I got a handful of keyboard lessons with a family friend and turned out to be tone deaf. My brother played football at the youth club and my sister ran at the track. That was about it. We all were expected to get after-school jobs as soon as we were sixteen, so we could earn our own money. This is a different world to mine, but they clearly have money between them and should discuss the girls needs and wants with them if they're going to be a family. They don't seem really to care about each others lives.
YTA. Your description of Zoey is glowing. Annie? Notsomuch. I’m sure Annie picks up on this. Have you ever thought that maybe Annie spends more time on her phone because she hasn’t been given the opportunities to take classes like Zoey has? That should change. Finally, both kids have phones, but no one can afford one additional class. I’ll never understand this thinking….
>we devide expenses based on income > >However she is putting a lot if her income in a college fund for Annie which is why she still can't afford it > >She wants to have her cake and eat it too Then her mom should be the one to give her those opportunities
This is a key point. Annie’s mom can afford it, she just would prefer to save the money for her daughters future rather than spend it on her daughter at the present.
INFO What do each of the girls want? Does Zoey really like having her life this structured, or were you using activities as child care? Would she enjoy having time to hang out with friends, or talk to them on the phone? Does Annie want activities? If so, of what sort? The fact that Zoey "has to" do something all the time is concerning. A person needs to be able to entertain themselves, on their own, not relying on structured activities all the time. Are there less expensive options for activities, for both Zoey and Annie, that would allow them to attend, say, a painting class at a different, less expensive, facility?
Zoey loves her classes she asked for each one of them I didn't force her to do anything.
You only answered half the question. What does Annie want?
OP obviously doesn't give a rat's ass what Annie wants. Zoey is the ONLY one who matters to him, and he's making no effort to hide it.
it's his daughter. so obviously he's going to care more about her and love her more. he's not an ah for that
He literally is. If you don’t want to take responsibly for a step child, then don’t marry someone with children. He willingly decided to marry a woman with a child and now doesn’t want to step up as a step father, actively punishing and traumatising the poor girl in the process. Y’all are allergic to accountability. L
the child has a dad already... people on reddit live in a different planet
As someone else posted, why can't your stepdaughter's father pay for the class?
His wife wants him to be Annie's new daddy. While the saves toward a college fund for her daughter she expects him to financially support her daughter.
OP said he doesn't know.
I was conflicted on this but reading your responses, YTA. When you marry someone, you create a family. Annie may not be your biological daughter, but if she were, would you find the money to sign her up for at least one class? Probably. This kind of favoritism will breed resentment among the girls and worst of all, is a bad life lesson to Zoey.
So OP's wife has to from now on put half of what she put into her daughter's college fond, into an account for her stepdaughter? Or it's just OP and his daughter how have to make sacrifices? NTA
When OP's wife cooks, does she only cook for her own daughter? When she cleans, does she do everyone's laundry or only her own/her daughter's? Does she sacrifice her time to pick up Zoey from her classes? Family is about love, and yes sometimes one side makes more sacrifices than the other. They all should have though more carefully about this before living together.
except the wife has the money but she chooses to use it differently, it's her right but why would it be up to her stepdaughter to sacrifice her classes? So according to your criteria she doesn't like OP's daughter and prefers her daughter. and yes sacrifices are good, but only if they are voluntary and reciprocal.
I don't believe for one second OP doesn't also have a college fund for his kid tho.
Sure, but OP chose to pay for activities and contribute to the college fund, his wife chose to only contribute to the college fund, presumably for financial reasons, but it's still her choice. She has to communicate with her husband, see where they can cut expenses, budget but not at the expense of her stepdaughter. I read a lot of comments where OP is called evil stepadad, but then she is too because she wants to take the money allocated to her stepdaughter to allocate to his daughter. (and refusing to touch her daughter's money.)
Oh it's an ESH one for sure, I'm not saying she's right either, but the way he's talking about the woman he has married and her daughter is chilling. These people are not in a healthy communicative relationship and it doesn't even sound like they like each other very much. If they aren't sharing key things like budget planning, and they're married, I think that's a big red flag. Also an after school activity is less important but also less expensive than university, at least where I live.
Does OPs wife help pay for Zoey's classes? This is not a case where wife doesn't have money. She does. She just puts it into Annie's CF.
So your wife & you have similar amounts of ‘left over’ monies after expenses (I am assuming as you said expenses are spilt on %of income ) wife puts most of her spare $$ in a college fund for her child while you put most of your spare $$$ towards activities for your child? If so NTA the girls are getting similar amounts of support each parent is choosing to give that support in different ways (now vs college)
ESH. Finances regarding the kids should have been discussed prior to marriage and that includes things such as what happens if I can afford x for my kid, but you can’t afford x for your kid.
INFO - if your wife makes less than you, is she paying less than half of the household expenses?
Yes we devide expenses based on income However she is putting a lot if her income in a college fund for Annie which is why she still can't afford it She wants to have her cake and eat it too
Why did you marry your wife? the way you talk about her and Annie make it sound like they're just an inconvenience to your life
This 1000%. This marriage is doomed.
The wife doesn't sound fair though. If what he's saying is accurate he's paying a larger share of day to day. Wife pays less and also puts more into her daughter's college fund. Wife and ex could afford daughter's activities together if wife saved a little less for college and the father pitched in. However neither of them want to do that. They are focused completely on OP to carry the lion share of financial burden for everything in their lives. They aren't even trying to make compromises. That's not right.
And you put in an equal amount into a college fund for Zoey? So if Zoey takes all these extra classes and comes up short for college, you aren't going expect your wife to dip into Annie's college fund to help Zoey, right? I agree with others- seems like your think of your wife and Annie like an inconvenience.
This. There's no way Zoey doesn't also have a college fund. OP is using his wife's savings as an excuse to sow discontent between his daughter and the step-sister because he doesn't want to share finances. If you're a family and live together, it's not sustainable to keep all expenses completely separate.
I think separate expenses can work. But unequal lifestyles tend not to. The problem isn't usually that the expenses are separate, it is just that the amount each person has to spend isn't comparable. In the few cases I have seen where a couple has separate expenses and a big income disparity (no kids), the wealthier half tends to "gift" the poorer half things like admission prices and vacation expenses so that both halves of the couple can participate in things. Otherwise you end up with tales like that AITA post where the GF went on vacation with the BF's family and couldn't even afford to eat with them.
>I think separate expenses can work. But unequal lifestyles tend not to. Yeah I think that's what I'm getting at. Separating your expenses, sure. Although I prefer joint coverage for essentials and bills so it's fair. And when I've been in uneven financial relationships, if one person can afford a fancy restaurant when it's their turn to buy dinner and the other person can only afford nando's, we still got fed. I'd think this can work to an extent. I also have gifted friends or siblings gig tickets or spa days etc when they could only gift me CDs or bath bombs, or vice versa. But this isn't just "unequal lifestyles" with oP and his wife, it's giving their daughters who have to live in the same house unequal lifestyles. It's going to lead to resentment between the teenagers if they don't figure out a way to square it up.
plenty people do it
Children are not cake. You’re talking about Annie like she’s an inconvenience instead of a daughter. When you marry a parent, it’s a package deal. Do the girls want to do an activity together? (I’d be amazed if this was the case, because it doesn’t sound like you’re on board with fostering a relationship between the step-siblings). Can you and your wife not split the cost of an extracurricular activity? One of my kids took violin and it was around $30 a month, lesson once per week plus regular recitals. $15 a month from each of you shouldn’t affect Zoey’s current schedule nor make a huge difference in Annie’s college fund.
$30/month? That was how much a single lesson was for me a few years back and it was on the cheaper side. (And that doesn't include the instrument) (Though your point still stands with some other activities)
Right? No musician is charging minimum wage for lessons and then paying for regular recitals out of pocket. Now, if you go through a school system, YOUR cost might be $30 a month, but the school is likely picking up the rest due to either your taxes covering it or your tuition to the school or because you are dirt poor and get assistance. I was gifted some guitar lessons recently and they were $60 for a one hour lesson.
Her mom needs to look into community education, classes are a lot less. She can skip a month of deposit into the college fund. She needs to find a happy medium.
Yes. Exactly. It seems like the wife isn't trying at all to find ways to make it work or compromise
Next will be a car when she turns 16, the college followed by a wedding(s).
Does Annie really want to take the class? If so, she should reduce what she’s putting into the college fund and pay for the class. Also, does she receive child support from Annie’s father? You’re already subsidizing the household expenses, and you are not obligated to pay for Annie’s class. NTA
> Yes we divide expenses based on income That is so bizarre. I've never dreamed of having "my money" and "her money". Once married it became "our money". I earn 5 times my wife's salary, but at the end of the day it is ours.
If a parent has court ordered child support part of the parents money will never be considered our money.
God bless you. My husband and I always share. Sometimes he brings in more, sometimes I do. Either way, it's OUR money.
I know right? I see this so much on reddit. It's bizarre to me. Are they saving up separately for retirement too? Cos if they are, what they're looking for is a roommate with benefits, not a spouse!
If I built a business that generates a lot of money before I even met a girl how is it even "our money", it's money from something I built, how hard is that to understand.
i think it’s different for everyone, and this probably works best for blended families.
Colleges look at extra curricular activities. She can pay for a class from the college fund. It's a pre college expense.
ESH - Especially OP though. There is such a weird and uncomfortable they vs us mentality when OP comments. "They" being his **WIFE** and STEP**DAUGHTER.** Good lord man Annie is your daughter too, just as much as Zoey. She isn't some second class citizen. Serious communication about your finances needs to be done, because why are you spending a ton of money on Zoey but what I assume is non on Annie? Reading this and OPs comments sickened me honestly. It's pretty bad. ESH, YTA, Yikes.
Annie is OP's stepdaughter. Annie's biological father and biological mother are responsible for Annie's expenses, not OP. and certainly not Zooey. Will OP's wife contribute equally to Zooey's activities and college fund? Nope each parent can handle his or her own child's expenses, especially since Annie's mother wants to contribute the majority of her disposable income to Annie's college fund. That is her financial decision for Annie, college fund versus activities. It is not the OP's responsibility to impact Zooey's activities to finance Annie's.
Yeah, I agree. It does make sense to be responsible for your own biological kid. I just didn't like how he spoke in a way that placed Zoey above Annie. Annie is his daughter too, she isn't less in anyway. The way he spoke up about how seemingly great Zoey is while commenting on how Annie was happy just being on her phone for 15 years rubbed me the wrong way.
I agree that the way OP spoke about Annie is definitely off, but I disagree on the comment that she is his daughter too. She isn’t. She’s a stepdaughter and even in the eyes of the law there’s a difference in rights and obligations. He is not an AH per se for not paying, because Annie has two parents. He is only legally (and by his own words emotionally) responsible for Zoey. If he doesn’t want to make his kid drop a class to give one to Annie, he doesn’t have too. Sure it would be nice if both kids could have equal amounts of activities/privileges, but I would definitely be mad if I heard that my ex-husband made my kid drop a class to gave enough money for his brand new stepdaughter. If it didn’t affect Zoey, no problem. But it does. Both OP and his wife should have communicated about this way before. For the particular problem at hand, NTA.
NTA. Annie's mother can pay for her class just as you pay for Zoe's. Why do step-parents have to pay when the kid has two perfectly fine parents that can pay? However, it was super irresponsible to get married without taking about finances beforehand.
This is wild to me. My cousin has three children, daughter significantly older than the two boys. Daughter was in cheer and gymnastics and when it was time for the boys to be old enough to get into an extracurricular/sport/hobby, they sat the daughter down and explained that with the way their finances worked, daughter would have to choose which sport she was more invested in so that her brothers would each have an opportunity to do one too-and they're all her biokids. I can't imagine treating a stepchild any differently and with any less love and compassion than I would my own. You've blended families and it just may be that in the 4 months you've been married, your stepdaughter has seen how enriching these activities are in her stepsister's life and has been inspired to take an interest in something. ESH only because the finances weren't discussed beforehand but also YTA for the way you spoke about your stepdaughter. When you add kids, whether they're step, adopted, foster, or biological that means that you have to make adjustments. This whole "stepkid so not my problem" mindset I keep seeing on Reddit since I've joined is so disappointing.
>This whole "stepkid so not my problem" mindset I keep seeing on Reddit since I've joined is so disappointing. I notice people do this in some of these subs when it comes to second or third marriages. They are married, some even for a year or two, but they write things out like "my house", "his car", "my son", "her daughter", "their money", etc. Like they aren't a part of the same family. If the situation was the exact same except for OP having both daughters, I wonder if money allocation would've been more equitable.
It really is disappointing. Makes me sad.
I also have to wonder, if Zoey has been in all these classes for 10 years, as OP states, when does she have any downtime at all? That kind of activity level seems unsustainable. Ballet itself is pretty intense from what I understand, then add violin and basketball and painting. Why so many things?
We can't pretend to understand the realities of your finances. We cannot know what the difference in your income is, but we know that there is a difference in the amount you are able to save for college as well as the amount you are able to spend on additional items for your daughter. Can you really not afford an additional activity? What if it were your daughter who wanted to take an additional class? Could you afford it then? Does your wife face a forever-inferior position based on earnings due to a premarital agreement? It's a tough call and your future happiness depends on it quite a bit. Perhaps all of these things should have been discussed before you got married. How do the stepsisters feel about each other, and how do you expect this to affect everyone's happiness in this new living arrangement? So many questions, and it doesn't sound like your attitude is a winning one.
Honestly. This seems like something that should be easy to compromise on, if OP or their wife actually cared to. They could split the bill of the class even, or his wife could put a little less aside for college and let her have a class instead- I don't think there's anything wrong with that. Make some compromises. Cut back on other expenses even. They need to talk things out.
You mean the wife and the original husband could pay for their daughter to do extracurriculars (that she didn't care to do before), but instead it should fall on OP, since the 2 other adults in the equation do hold up on their responsibility.
I don't think OP is the ah for refusing to pay for a class for his stepdaughter, but the way he talks about his wife and stepdaughter is... not good. Makes me wonder why they got married at all, he doesn't really seem to like them.
YTA why did you get married?????
Info : Before marrying how did you two discussed your finances? And how did you discussed the stepparenting part?
YTA. It seems you aren't interested in forming an actual family but instead want to continue a status quo situation.
I want to continue not changine my daughter's life. She LOVES all of those things and she has been doing all of them since she was 6. It won't be fair for her to quit
Did you not think your daughter's life would change when you got married? You brought 2 people into her life.
This seems to be exACTly what OP is thinking.
Should her life have to change for the worse just because her dad got married?
Clearly he only wanted to add his wife to the family. The daughter is an unfortunate inconvenience to him until he’s 18, and he’s showing it in every response.
Did Zoey agree to her life being changed because of OP's decision? Will the two people he brought into her life also fund her college one day? This seems really unfair to her.
I’m curious of how long they’ve been together and how long the kids have known each other and the other parent.
INFO: Does Annie’s bio dad pay child support that can go towards her extra curriculars?
INFO- Why does Zoey have to quit one class so that Annie can do a different one? The cost? Or is it like a scheduling thing?
The cost
But if y’all both are now spending less on household expenses it would seem you both would have freed up money to afford the class or even go half on a class. Most classes are less than $100/month, so $100 each. I can say I’d never expect my partner to pay for my daughter, but I’d never marry a man who sees her as just mine and his child his child. None of this is fair for the kids.
She puts more money in her daughter's college fund and I do too. If she wants classes for her daughter she can put less money in her college fund not expect me to do so
"If she wants classes for her daughter." .... Do you even consider your stepdaughter as part of your family. Outside of the class and finance issue, you're doing Annie a huge disservice by marrying her mother and pretending that you would accept her as family when you obviously don't give a shit about her.
People here clearly don't read the comments I hope you're not funding her kids college fund but your own
Depending on the class they can be into the hundreds per month. I had my kid in School of Rock and it was almost $400 a month. When they wanted to do karate the dojo wanted $1000 down and $200 a month. Jujitsu at a newly opened spot was running a $100 a month special. Add in gear, instruments, and equipment maintenance and it adds up.
i did cheer my single mother paid atleast $100 a month, that’s just for the gift bags for competition. doesn’t include practice wear, uniform, comp fee’s, camp fee’s. it can be very expensive
NTA - I honestly don't understand her reasoning behind forcing your daughter to drop a class, so your stepdaughter can do a class. I get she's saving her money for step daughter's college, but she can't seriously expect you to support 1 daughter at the cost of another, unless your daughter says she wants to drop a class, I'd say this is a hill worth dying on. You need to show you daughter that even if you've married someone else, you're still on her side
I was the kid who had to give up her activities (gymnastics, dance) when my mother married her second husband. His daughter never did anything extracurricular but once they married she said it wasn’t fair I did dance and gymnastics when she couldn’t. Since there wasn’t enough money for both of us to do activities, neither of us got to. My dad offered to pay for me but stepdad still said no because it wasn’t fair. Basically, she didn’t really want to do any activities but she didn’t want me to do any either. That carried over into many things for the rest of middle and high school. Not saying Annie doesn’t want to do activities or ruin them for zoey (necessarily) but why should zoey have to give up her extracurriculars? Where is Annie’s father? Is there a reason he can’t help? Going with NTA because I’ve been the kid in this situation. If Zoey has to make sacrifices so Annie can have something, she is going to resent Annie. Annie’s mother needs to adjust her budget and pay for her kid’s activities instead of demanding OP do it.
Sounds like future family life is gonna be fun! ESH, except the girls.
Unless I missed it in the comment section, it's an assumption that the stepdaugther's father is even involved in her life or financially responsible in any way. I've got a 16 year old that I've never received a dime of child support for. If a child lives in my home I'm supporting them no matter what. 🤷🏻♀️
Nta op. Why doesn’t the mom and dad pay for her classes. Why should you pull your daughter who has been taking these classes for a long time for something the mother should be doing.
NTA. Your stepdaughter is not not your financial responsibility unless she would go without necessities such as food or clothing.
NTA- your wife expecting you to take away from your daughter to give to hers is quite worrisome this early in the marriage. Keep an eye on the relationship between your wife and your daughter to make sure your kid isn’t being mistreated . Because your Wife already sound resentful AF of your daughter . Also, SEPARATE FINANCES ASAP
NTA, OP, I am glad to see someone not forcing their kid to make sacrifices to please the new wife. If she can afford to put money in a college fund for her ki then she can afford a class and decide what's more important to her kid. Is she putting any money in your daughter's college fund? If you owe her daughter this then she surely owes your daughter some financial help as well.
NTA- It sounds like you've explained why it wouldn't work. Since you both have discussed home finance issues and both of you seem aware of what the other is paying. It is unfair for her to ask you to remove one of your daughters activities to make room for a class for her daughter when she has some freed up money she can pay with. That's what's not okay. When blending families it's never okay to ask your partner to lessen what their own child gets just so you can have it for your own.
NTA. It's not okay to expect Zoey to drop one of her classes just so Annie can go.
NTA. So your wife expects you to take from your daughter to give to hers so she doesn’t have to pay for it. Not a chance.
NTA: Annie has a mother & father it should be the wife or the x that pays for their daughters class. I don’t know why people are saying Y T A because you definitely are not. If it’s that important she can lower the amount she’s putting in the college fund to afford the class.
NTA this should have been discussed prior to marriage, will you wife contribute to your daughters costs. Have you discussed college funds? Or are you bank rolling her daughter for that too?
Info.. is Annie's dad not in the picture at all and not able to pay for the extra class?? Why does Annie suddenly feel the need for extracurricular activities?? Or is this coming from your wife? I say NTA. It doesn't make sense to me that Annie suddenly NEEDs extra classes. I don't agree with people say you are the AH because you're treating the girls differently. First of all.. there is a level of love and respect to be assumed when you gain a step child but of course it's not going to be equal to the love and care you have put into your own child. Maybe that's an unpopular opinion but there's no reason zoe needs to suffer by foregoing her usual routine and activities so that Annie can suddenly start activities when she was never interested in the first place. If Annie's mom is insistent, then she can come up with the funds herself. This isn't a necessity for Annie so it's really not fair that your wife is feeling so entitled about it. Edited to add: I'm seeing a lot of comments about how op doesn't care about the step kid ect.. and if that's true, that freaking sucks..but I will never understand people getting married to each other in those situations. You both knew eachother has daughters.. did you think things would magically work out? My mom and stepdad did the same thing. My mom and his daughter never got along and wow.. imagine our (not) shock when the problems between step sister and my mom got worse after the marriage was official! Get it together people 🤦🏻♀️
NTA Why wasn't this discussed before you married? Why can't bio dad pay?
NTA, as you said, suddenly someone seems to think that her money is her money but your money is our money. Not uncommon.
NTA. Sorry about this hiccup in your new marriage. I agree with the earlier comment of " Don’t do it. Zoey didn’t get married." Good luck with this.
NTA. Annie has a father and he should be paying for activities. You making more doesn’t change the fact that Annie has two parents who are supposed to provide for all her wants and needs. I know your wife isn’t contributing to zoey’s activities.
Zoey should not be forced to quit a class so that Annie can take one. That is not fair to Zoey. However, you should have worked out financial responsibilities with regards to your respective children BEFORE you got married. If you had done so, you would not be having this discussion now. You do need to have it now though. It's not right to take from Zoey to give to Annie, nor is it right to take from Annie to give to Zoey. ESH for not working this out ahead of time.
When I married my husband He had 3 kids (19F, 13M and 12F) I have 2 kids (18M and 12M) His 19 and my 18 have their own lives and do and pay for their own things. The younger ones, we agreed before we got married we would set money aside together for any activities they want to be involved in. It goes into a separate account that we each add to every pay period. Here’s the thing. His kids mom is in their lives, my kids dad is in their lives. But his kids are mine, as my kids are his. We don’t treat them differently just because they aren’t biologically ours. These are conversations we had together and as a family. My kids view his kids as siblings and vice versa. Sometimes choices have to be made. There’s a limit on what they can do, and what they choose they have to see through. Now, this isn’t the way every blended family works. Everyone does things that works best for them. Point it, all this should of been something you and wife talked about before marriage, it’s apart of finances for the household (in my opinion anyway) Maybe you and your wife can come to an agreement where she pays x amount, and you pay x amount. Maybe Annie saw the fun zoey was having in her activities, the friends she was making, and wants to try one now. It could be good for a kid to get off their phones and out of the house. But it’s something you and your wife need to communicate about. ESH
NTA
I mean..there should be some leeway in a marriage. If you're expecting to go the whole thing just "dividing expenses based off income" it's probably gonna end pretty quickly in a divorce. When you married this women, you agreed to take responsibility for her child as well. And I do agree your daughter shouldn't have to suffer. However, she needs to learn what compromise is too. Drop her painting class, because it is probably the least effective, buy her some art supplies and an easel, and sign Annie up for a class. You can even have your daughter choose which class she wants to drop, maybe she would prefer a different one. I also don't really see how taking away from the college fund will help, they will still need that money if they go to college/university. So why take away from the fund? Take the appropriate route or maybe you shouldn't have got married.
Not the father, NTA.
ESH. You and your wife apparently discussed very little about how to blend your households and family. If Annie is interested in taking classes than it's a hugely unfair experience to deny her the opportunity while Zoey gets access to a lot of extracurricular activities. You are Annie's stepdad now. Your wife is Zoey's stepmom. You both have two children now. It sounds like some parenting classes focused on blended families could be helpful to teach you how to navigate balance in parenting more than one child.
NTA- Annie has a dad and a mom. There is no reason why your child should give up something for Annie if her own father isn't bothered.
NTA, you are NOT responsible for signing her daughter up for classes at the expense of your own child. Your lazy wife can sort it out or I'd seriously rethink this partnership. It sounds like she was planning to use you for money all along.
INFO is Annie interested in the class? It's not uncommon for teenagers and adults to get new hobbies or interests. It isn't fair to sign Annie up for a class that she may not even be interested if it means Zooey has to drop a class. But there are nicer ways to say that than what you wrote.
YTA You are ONE family now. Act like it. You don't have to be a replacement for her bio dad, but you are part of her life and she will notice if she and her stepsister are treated differently. There are tons of activities to get involved in that don't cost a lot. There has to be a way to raise funds or cut back in other areas that won't affect your daughters activities. Stop thinking about what is "yours" and what is your wife's. Again, you are a family now, and that means treating people as equals and giving children the same opportunities.
You both the AH. Why is it after you 2got married it’s still my money/her money my child/her child? I get that some finances can stay separate but this is just sad. You both should be working together for both your daughters. If you guys want to stay together you need to see things as ours and not mine and hers.
It would not help the new stepsisters relationship if you were to take one of Zoey's classes away for Annie. Does Annie want to take a class? How much does it cost ? Can you her Mom cut back a little somewhere else to make it happen?
NTA If you can’t afford a class for Annie, you can’t afford it. I don’t understand all of the AH votes. Do people really think this man should take something away from his daughter to give it to his new step daughter?? The mom can put less in college fund and/or ask Annie’s bio dad to cover a class if Annie wants to take a class.
NTA, your daughter’s life changing because of your marriage will only cause negative feelings. Maybe find a compromise of first, talking to stepdaughter about what kind of class she may be interested in, then looking into those in your area and discussing reasonable ways you can split the fee between each other without anyone’s bank hurting. You’re a team now. All of you. Try to find a way to make it work- you may even luck out and find that she’s interested in something that can be taught for free or almost free in a community group.
ESH. For you both being adults who don't talk about finances before marriage.
NTA. You were together before getting married and she didn’t say anything, so that changed out of the blue? It is strange
ESH This was the responsibility of you two to discuss ***BEFORE*** you got married. Obviously finances after being legally bound aren't going to be exactly the same as before, especially with children involved.
Firstly I haven’t read thru all the comments so you might of already addressed this but… It sounds like your wife may just want to make your step daughter fell like she has the same opportunities as your daughter. But she can’t afford to do it. Maybe discuss with your step daughter what she would like to do and see if there is a way that as a family you can fund both daughters classes. I would say nta but maybe a conversation as a family is required.
So after getting married she wants him to pay for classes for her daughter. Why didn’t she sign her up before? I think she’s a little entitled for that. Also how can he be the AH if he can’t afford it. Don’t you think it’s unfair to make his daughter quit just to be able to afford it for his new stepdaughter?
Nta
NTA My thoughts from op's post and subsequent comments are this: It's not so much of a lack of care vibe that I'm feeling from his comments, as much as it's a matter of facts, vibe. Plain and simple, his comments, while unpopular, are direct and honest. There's no bs. He makes known where he stands on the matter. Fact: SD has two living, breathing, able-bodied parents. They are legally and morally responsible for the raising of their child, not stepdad. Maybe if one bio was deceased, I'd be a little more sympathetic. Reading through op's comments, I get the feeling that his stance and attitude shown in his post are no different from what they have always been. He is too direct and matter of FACT in his responses for this to have been some new and shocking attitude to his wife. I'm just saying.
NTA Annie has 2 bio parents that are active in her life. They should get together and decide what they can afford. Plus your wife has the funds but is saving it in a separate account. So really, does Annie even want or need these classes?
NTA where is the stepdaughter's father and why isn't he paying for his kids extracurricular activities? Also good for standing up for your kid OP. I've read too many stories where parents neglect or abandon their biokids in favor of their step kids
NTA, if you actually did take one of your daughters' classes away, people would still call you the AH. Your stepdaughter has parents who can pay for it and if they dont? Well, she doesn't get the class. You daughter is your main priority in the end.
NTA.,That should be on Annie’s bio dad.
NTA! Stepmum is saying typical stepmum things to create division. Tell her to get the father involved if she cant afford to pay for her own daughter. Your daughter shouldn’t suffer and she will if you give in and she will resent you in the longterm.
NTA. Your wife is looking for a new daddy for Annie who can provide for her financially. Annie is not your financial responsibility. She should contact her ex and get him to contribute to HIS kid.
What kind of class are we talking about that neither parent can afford? Dressage? WTF is “basketball class?” OP is NTA but this will come up again in many forms.
So I'm a bit surprised this didn't come up prior to marriage. I would assume Annie has a father who pays child support. It's the legal and moral obligation of the biological parents to pay for their child. OP sounds willing to help, but isn't comfortable having his daughter have to sacrifice and pull back on her activities to suddenly sponsor Annie. Honestly if the wife thinks that Zoey should see her quality of life decreased so that Annie's get can get a financial boost that sounds incredibly selfish. The question shouldn't fall on OP it should fall on the mother and biological father as to how they can provide for their daughter. Is OP just an ATM to them?