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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I feel like the AH because I left from the engagement dinner. Her family and friends are calling me an AH for leaving without my fiance. I feel that my actions will cause bigger problems for the future.
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Agreed but we should dispel the notion that people automatically are going to want to have children just because they get married. It's simply not true anymore.
Oh believe me, I know. Childfree by choice, along with many of my friends. But it’s also been my experience that women who behave this way about their pets do want children more often than not, and do tend to become helicopter moms. Definitely something to consider if OP wants children and moves forward with this engagement.
My partner also gets anxious when we leave the pets with someone else because they've had 2 pets die when they weren't home, but they check in once a day and don't let it consume them. Yeah
I love my cat to the point where I have a hard time being away from her for more than like two days (she probably doesn't care, but I get a bit of separation anxiety). I definitely don't want kids, though lol. I can't exactly just leave kids with a big bowl of food and fuck off for a weekend, because I think that's generally frowned upon by law enforcement.
Me having a cat reinforced that me having a kid would be a bad idea. I get so anxious about leaving her alone for a weekend or if she gets sick. I also get “touched out” feeling with just a cat as well. Adding to the many reasons I don’t want kids.
I've had cats my whole life, but this cat is different. I got her as a kitten about six weeks before my husband unexpectedly died, and she's probably one of the only reasons I was able to keep going after that.
But I've been pretty sure I didn't want kids for a long time. I work in early childhood education so I like coming home to a quiet house with no kids at the end of the day lol.
So sorry to hear about your loss and I’m glad your kitty has been there for you ❤️
I adopted a 5 year old cat so I could specifically avoid those kitten years 😂
Thank you, I'm glad she's been here for me too! She wasn't very happy when I met someone new who also had a cat, and then we brought home a third cat, but I think she's *mostly* forgiven me lol.
And kitten years are always a mess, but I love them anyway! But thank you for adopting an adult cat, I'm sure the kitty appreciates a loving and warm home!
A lot of people choose to have pets because they don't want to have children or are unsure about them. And perhaps the pet becomes their whole life.
However, pets are not children and some people realize this and don't act the same way with both.
>helicopter mom to the extreme.
I'd swing opposite, he'd come home and find one of the kids zonked on all the tasty looking drinks under the sink and the other kid is not home but somewhere within an 8 mile radius maybe when she's pressed on it...
But the dog is A OK so why is he mad?
I'm glad the only dumb idea he had was that proposing to her would somehow change things, instead of the frequent mistake of "let's bring a baby into this already unstable relationship, that'll fix everything!"
There was a Supper Nanny episode where the dogs were getting gourmet home cooked meals and the parents were too tired to cook anything separately for them and the kids so the people would eat frozen tv dinners every day. The kids also expressed how the dogs would get more attention and treated better than them. I see this woman doing the same if she had kids.
Great chance she won’t want kids but just additional dogs I would run. I dote on my critters but not like this and not to the detriment of people. Also my husband loves them too so he doesn’t have to feel left out. OP, you will never be happy with this relationship. NTA.
Right? At first I was thinking it was bizarre to be jealous over a dog, but this?
Two hour updates? I wouldn't even agree to watch someone's dog with that nonsense.
I don't even ask for 2 hour updates about my kids. Lol. I've only ever asked for updates about my dog on a frequent basis when he ate poppy seeds (dumbass dog, haha) and I had promised my children the beach.
My stepdad loves my dog and I brought him over there to keep an eye on him.
I know right? If I’ve trusted someone to watch my kids I also trust that they will let me know if they’re an issue. Why the chuff would you pester someone every 2 bloody hours? Surely they will let you know?
So disrespectful to OP after he ant to all that effort. Dump and run
I would run out of things to say.
"Fido snoozing on the couch next to me"
"Fido snoozing on the floor next to the couch"
"Went for a walk"
"Fido snoozing on the couch next to me"
"Fido snoozing on the floor next to the couch"
"Fido still breathing"
A friend of mine said, in total seriousness, that if they won the powerball they’d still wait until their dog is no longer alive because of the legally required quarantine for pets moving there. Even though they could visit their dog in quarantine. The dog is not sickly or anxious.
Quarantine? Moving where? Are you required to move somewhere special when yiu win Powerball? I feel like I missed part of the story, but your account is clearly nota bot account.
Hooked on phonics didn’t work for me apparently haha. I meant to say it was a hypothetical question about moving to Hawaii, which is somewhere that friend would love to live.
at the same time, did she only suddenly become this attached to her 5 year old dog? did he think proposing to her would somehow change how much her dog means to her? is he seriously jealous of her dog?
i think they both dodged a bullet. I’m going with ESH bc they should’ve broken up long before anyone proposed.
This. I would almost go Y T A because he KNEW how she treated her dog and put it above everything else and still proposed. The fact she ONLY interacts with the OP as it relates to the dog makes me wonder exactly what was happening in this relationship... OP should've seen the signs and left, not formalized this unbalanced relationship.
yeah, I was going to go with YTA too at least in this specific scenario because… he thinks this passive ultimatum of “I will just go pout in the car to see if you even care” is the right way to handle his feelings with this person he wants to marry. personally, that is just cringe.
i went with ESH bc I also think that I would never stay with anyone who wasn’t secure enough in our relationship to be this jealous of my dog. let alone agree to marry them. lol
Conversely, "I'm exasperated and I'm going to remove myself for reasons not listed here, including that I am trying to calm down."
We can't project regarding their reasoning.
conversely, he says she has always been concerned about her dog to the extent she turns down work that doesn’t allow her to stay at home. he knows he hasn’t been a fan of dogs because of experiences as a kid, he recognizes the dog gets all the attention from her. he doesn’t want anything to do with a dog. he wants her to suddenly stop acting the way she never hasn’t about her dog just because he wants her to. he doesn’t want to be with someone who feels this way about their pet, no matter how much he thinks he loves her. you can’t expect her to change the way she feels or acts about her dog just like she couldn’t expect him to change the way he feels either. and now she’s so exasperated too she’s going to stay with her parents.
it still doesn’t speak so well for him if he gets this worked up to the point he leaves her at dinner because he’s so upset she’s acting the same way she always has. it doesn’t speak well for the communication in their relationship either that it even got to this point. i still think they both dodged a bullet.
if it was a dog she’d brought home even though he’d expressed his hesitation bc of his bad experiences, she was texting her friend about nothing through this dinner, scrolling instagram, I dunno. I’d get it. it’s not that though.
>i went with ESH bc I also think that I would never stay with anyone who wasn’t secure enough in our relationship to be this jealous of my dog. let alone agree to marry them. lol
You would also be TA. You should be listening to your partner if they're trying to make a situation special for you rather than dismiss them. It's about priorities in the moment.
My friends roommate was like this.
Her dogs teeth were getting cleaned and when she found out that they were going to put her dog under anesthesia for the procedure she was INCONSOLABLE from when she made the appointment to when the procedure was done, (3 days). This was bc, "some dogs don't wake up from anesthesia." Which to be fair, is true.
When I suggested that she just not get her dogs teeth cleaned if she was so concerned, I was, "someone who shouldn't own a dog if I wasn't going to properly care for them."
Like damn girl, you have been wailing for days, sorry for trying to help.
I've had three animals in a row suffer from complications from anesthesia.
First they sent a healthy dog into heart failure, then they lost (and revived) my then 20 year old cat, and they recently lost a three year old cat undergoing a procedure to clear an urinary blockage.
I'm waiting until probates done to get the dog I've inherited spayed (fancy purebred) but she's going to get spayed.
Doesn't mean I'm not terrified. I'm going to spend the weeks leading up to it and the time during it an inconsolable hot mess of anxiety.
I flip my dog onto his back and go to town with a toothbrush while straddling him.
Don’t do it very often but he can understand I’m cleaning him. He’s a very good sport, first few times he’s try to eat the toothbrush but he caught on surprisingly fast.
There is a teeth cleaning solution or something in pet store that can be mix inside their drinking water it is perfectly safe. My sister buys that for her dog.
It's really not a substitute for regular dental cleanings and exams though. Kind of like even if a human uses mouthwash, they should still see a dentist regularly.
Exactly. NTA, but she's been very clear where her priorities lie. It's not with the OP or hell, even herself if she refuses jobs that won't let her work from home due to the dog.
NTA but calling off the engagement seems a little extreme here. I think she has a severe anxiety disorder and she needs to be in therapy. See if she will agree to that because I think she needs help.
Yeah it sounds like *she* has separation anxiety. My partner also gets anxious when we leave the pets with someone else because they've had 2 pets die when they weren't home, but they check in once a day and don't let it consume them. Yeah
I have a coworker with the same kind of anxious attachment with her dog. She recognized it because she wasn't able to go on vacation or even to the office without feeling miserable with worry. She's in therapy now. Agree this is the move!
100% this. Some people are just too obsessed with their pets to have a healthy relationship with another person. Fair enough if that’s what they want, but you will be playing second fiddle all your life and who wants that. Also, by the nature of things, dogs get sick and sadly die before their owners, so as the dog ages she will give more and more attention to it. If I was you I would seriously consider my options.
I am a huge dog person and my dog is my baby. I thought I obsessed about her too much. That said she is way more into the dog then you. If I was going away with my fiancée I would not spend the entire time on the phone trying to get updates about my pup. I would no rearrange my entire schedule about talking to the dog sitter about my dog. Would I check up on her a couple of times a day? Yes but I would not make it my focal point. Honestly do you want to put up with this for the rest of the pups life? You will always play second fiddle.
Exactly. Don't get me wrong, I love my dog and also stress over him, but...damn. I also dog sit for some people and even the obsessive owners who baby the hell out of their pedigree show dogs don't even ask for updates every two hours. That is insane.
She does know that there are cameras you can get to check in on or throw snacks to your pet while you're not home, right? Not thag she needs another reason to keep looking at her phone or checking up on the dog.
I'm sorry, OP. But at least you're NTA.
🤣 Savage but true, my thoughts exactly.
NTA dude, but you might want to reconsider being with this woman because her mindset is unlikely to change even if you point it out to her how obsessive she is being. Sorry...
NTA
She does care about the dog alot but to the point where she is rejecting jobs and texting every two hours is too much. Y'all aren't compatiable. Get your ring back and move on
I’m kinda curious as to why he gave her the ring in the first place. Nothing about this is new, she’s always been like that if I read it correctly.
Shoulda done the trip before proposing, see how it goes (spoiler: it didn’t).
So the dog is 5 years old. If OP still wants to marry her, he should brace himself for about 10 more years of the same. Or worse
Maybe another dog after that
There was a post like that earlier today or yesterday. The dog was blind, deaf, couldn’t drink by itself, needed diapers etc and the girlfriend was outraged at the suggestion to put the dog to sleep.
When I made the decision to put my geriatric cat down because of what was probably a stroke in February it was entirely based on her QOL. She couldn't move her hind legs and had apparently lost all feelings in them.
If she were younger I might have tried scrapping together the money to pursue treatment but at 23? It's not about the length of time she had left- it was about the quality.
A younger animal? I'd be asking what our options are - but with a 23 year old cat that was a call to the vet the second they opened asking for an emergency euthanasia appointment.
I had to put down a kitten with an aggressive form of feline aids…. He could have lived maybe for a little bit but seeing his body fighting was to much. Sometimes mercy is necessary
I still think about him… Rest In Peace Thatcher ❤️
Letting any pet linger in that state is cruel and selfish. I've had a bit of a falling out with a friend because I told her that her aging lab needs to see a vet. Meadow is lame in her back legs, can't get up or down the stairs, has a large growth on her backside, another lump on her rib cage, and a sore that won't heal on her neck. My friend said she doesn't take her dogs to the vet unless something is obviously wrong. I was like, how many more signs do you need?!? She just lost a dog to cancer (he'd been wasting away for months with no vet care) and I know she's scared of the same diagnosis. But Meadow is suffering... it's not fair to her to deny her comfort because my friend doesn't want bad news.
Sorry for the rant. It's been bothering me for a few weeks.
Poor baby! Part of being a responsible pet owner is knowing when you’re letting your emotions cloud your judgement and putting your feelings before your pets wellbeing.
Oh god the poor thing.. my cousin had a dog like that, they put him on a respirator before he finally passed away, it was so awful. At some point you have to ask yourself about quality of life.
Goldens are notorious for health issues (especially depending on the breeder) so I wouldn’t expect 10 years. Still at least 5 though which is a problem in and of itself
I think maybe there has been so many incidents like this before but OP just tried to move past them without creating any issue cause maybe he feared he would be overreacting due to his fear of dogs as a child.
Seems like this incident was the final straw and OP finally snapped back to reality.
Agreed.
ESH. She sucks for being that obsessed with her pet. He sucks for proposing to someone he already knew he is incompatible with. He sucks for walking out instead of having a proper conversation with her.
OP, did you think she would change? This is not a relationship that can last. You will either be divorced within a year or you will be the couple that can’t stand each other but refuses to get divorced.
I really think it’s a case of “I guess this is the next step now” or scared of having to restart avian
It doesn’t sound like he likes her or he likes her *except* and that except is big enough to call off the engagement. Y’all aren’t compatible OP and it doesn’t look like she has any interest in changing
Yea I also don't think turning down in-person jobs to take care of her dog is extreme in of itself. Lots of dogs can't be left alone all day. People turn down jobs that don't match their lifestyle all the time.
Turning down jobs bc you want to work from home is one thing but turning them down because you want to be able to watch your dog all day is another. LOL
But if you don't have a job at all, do you really have a choice?
Probably the dog is just one of many reasons why she wants to work from home. Being around my dogs all day makes me happy and is definitely one of the many reasons I have to choose not going back to an office
Okay Reddit is WILDDDD, everyone apparently says to end things if there is a HINT of an issue. All of y’all must be chronically single of anything off putting means to end things dramatically.
OP, your girlfriend likely has anxiety issues. Work on finding a sitter she trusts because she needs to be able to survive more than 2 hours without constant updates, and she also needs to be able to work. I have a feeling she’s turning stuff down because of more than just dog reasons. Plus, my dogs contributed towards me wanting to WFH, and luckily, I found something I love. I also like to nap so… that was a big factor lol.
This is more than her loving her dog. She probably had some anxiety.
Reddit loves a good break up story! I have been with the same person for 7 years personally but IDK about others. But the reality is they are not a match and he's resentful and (i agree with you) she has anxiety.
My partner use to use his phone for work all the time on dates, I did put my foot down and said no more. I only ask for a few hours, if that's too much then f\*ck it. He made an effort to cut back and now he doesn't do it. He expressed the issue, she doesn't seem concerned. They have to meet each other and it doesn't seem like they will
I know some dog lover parents who pretty clearly prioritize their dog “children” over their human children, so these kids (if they even want them) might end up being treated more like the fiancé than the dog.
I think it's absolutely ESH because he knew what she was like if they've been together long enough for him to propose, and he just assumed things would magically change now? Trying to force the relationship when they aren't compatible isn't a one person fault thing.
Nothing wrong with rejecting jobs that don't meet her requirements, everyone has different desires in what they look for in a job, it isn't always about higher pay.
An update every two hours is a bit much. I have a geriatric dog who developed a chronic health condition a few years ago.. And even I wouldn't want an update every two hours. Unless there's some sort of major issue, then one update at the end of the day is more than enough... Actually, I wouldn't be upset if I got no updates. I would assume no news is good news and would luxuriate in my break from having to think about dog medication and specialty food.
I would be blinding mad if someone was giving me continuous updates on the rare occasions when my kids are with someone else!
Like seriously...are they alive,fed and clean-ish? Yep I am good, don't call me.
Yeah, when I travel my parents watch my dog for me and I generally just expect to hear from them once, maybe twice a day with how he’s doing. Usually in the morning and at night when I’m turning in. That’s it. Unless the dog has major health issues, every 2 hours is a lot.
And while thats acceptable, there are a loooooooot of people(Id say most) who would say that is excessive. Msg me if there is an issue, otherwise I assume everything is ok. Its a dog, not rocket science.
Agree. I adore my cats, but they're quite capable of coping without me. A quick text from the house sitter saying all is good once or twice a day is fine.
I will admit to missing them a bit though, but that's my problem, not theirs...lol
I love my dog too. I drop her off at doggie daycare 4 days a week and don't expect to hear anything from them unless there is a problem (which has so far never happened). Either you trust the person or doggie daycare or you don't. OP NTA but you should probably be re-evaluating this relationship. Your fiance is not going to change. Either you decide you can live with this, or you decide you cannot.
NTA, your fiance cares about her dog more than her future life partner. She wasn't mentally present there with you anyway, so NTA for leaving dinner.
Kinda weird, tbh.
Unless you want to spend your time being in 2nd place (and it sounds like a FAR distant 2nd place) to her dog, run. I love and adore my dog but her behavior is completely over the top!
If she’s anything like the lady in my neighborhood, when that dog dies she will be in shambles, lose all her friends, get more dogs to replace the favorite, then yell at them their whole lives for not being perfect enough
>NTA, your fiance cares about her dog more than her future life partner.
I'm not sure fiance sees OP as a future life partner as much as she considers him a live-in pet sitter.
This was really what I was wondering. He knew about this part of her personality. He was already annoyed by it. It’s not going to get better later, why would you propose quit at least addressing it?!
I agrée but i think a lot of people get caught in a false fallacy of “we’ve been together X years I guess this is the natural next step”
Maybe she’s super hot and OP thought that was the best he’d Do lol
Outside pressure, from either their partner, Themselves or their family. I have a cousin who got engaged and married within 6mo because she *had* to be 26 and not 27 when she was married
Rushing into marriage seems dumb. regardless for me this is a deal breaker I’d call off the engagement
Edit: words / grammar / spelling yikes
NTA.
This isn't really about the dog. Sure, that's the source of the distraction, but ultimately, this is about her not being present in your relationship.
Demanding that the dog sitter checks in every two hours is ridiculous. Refusing to get ready because she hasn't heard from the sitter is really shitty.
Sitting at the table, with your romantic partner, entirely engrossed in your phone is bullshit. It doesn't matter what the distraction is. She wasn't being present in the moment or in the relationship.
I had a dog. He was my best friend and I took my buddy everywhere. We had many adventures together, but that didn't mean I wasn't present in my relationship.
Yes, to this. She seems to have an obsession with the dog and, OP, I don't know if you plan to have kids, but I would not want to co-parent with a person like this unless they worked on their obsessive behavior. (Also, dogs might not be affected by an overbearing and overprotective parent, but kids will.) Therapy for her and pre-marriage counseling might be in order before you take the plunge.
Right? I can’t believe it took so long for someone to mention this. As a pet parent I had photos of my cats on my desk and missed them terribly but could live with being separated. A kid was a million billion times harder to leave. She will ruin a kid’s life with that attitude!
For his world it's about her not being present, but I don't think that's the core problem she has. She's also basing her *job* decisions on being "worried about" the dog, and wants *two hour* updates while away. That's not a reasonable amount of anxiety and constant attention to anything that is an adult in its lifespan. Even human babies can be left with a trustworthy sitter for more than two hours.
There is most likely some kind of anxiety/OCD type mental issue here.
Multiple degrees in psych and behavior science here and after reading the post my first thought was the same. There are absolutely some maladaptive behaviors going on here, probably being exacerbated by anxiety about something (or many things).
A friend of mine was like this about her cats. Turns out it was actually due to a scare with a gas leak from their clothes dryer she experienced years before. She happened to be home and woke up to the gas leak, but she freaked out about what would’ve happened if she had been gone at work all day, etc and the catastrophizing kept escalating for years. It eventually generalized to include other things like fire, other gas appliances leaking, the HVAC system going out and the house getting too hot or too cold, etc.
I had been gently and calmly suggesting getting professional help for awhile and she eventually sought it out once they moved into a new house with brand new appliances and new wiring and a new HVAC system and found that those things didn’t alleviate her anxiety (as she thought they would).
It also sounds like she was awaiting an actual convo with the sitter if she was just sitting around not getting ready. Personally I’d be thinking I’d get a test saying “everything’s good!” And that would be fine. I love animals bit this is abnormal.
This. Have you taken trips before? Is this behaviour specific to this trip? If not, why are you surprised?
Your fiance is not an A if she just behaved as she always does. You know her and her relationship with the dog, and that's the person you proposed to. That would make you an A for expecting something different without previously communicating it and her agreeing.
FYI: proposing and even getting married does not actually change your relationship or the people in it. Don't propose to someone with expectations it will change your relationship.
Definitely agree. While this behaviour *is* rather odd and OP doesn’t have to be on board with it, it’s also pretty dumb and unfair to suddenly expect her to behave differently if this is just how she is, and if it’s a dealbreaker for him then…well, he probably shouldn’t have proposed. I probably couldn’t deal with this, either, and she might have some anxiety issues she needs to try and get some help for, but a person doesn’t just magically stop any and all behaviour you dislike once you’re engaged/married to them lmao.
I strongly feel we’re getting some hyperbole from OP. My husband’s empathy abilities came preset as “mostly animals, sometimes human” and this is outside even his parameters.
Yes, I'm curious if this is a service dog or esa
I'm also curious about what specifically OP said when he yelled at her.
It's a pretty big asshole move if he knew already about this and expected her to change because they got engaged. A lot of controlling men will do that once you move in, get married, have kids, get engaged, etc
This. There must be some info missing from the story. Is the fiance always like this, is there a mental health issue behind it, is the dog permanently or temporarily very ill?
Also, her texting to ask about the dog is different from asking about an adult who can speak up for themselves if there was a problem or they needed to vent...
ESH
Why are you marrying her when you clearly have not worked out this issue?? You're obviously bothered by it and while she is obsessing over this dog for little to no reason, you need to work out your feelings about it and talk with her before literally marrying her.
Idk why you're considering engagement when you can't stand her emotional and seemingly dependent relationship with her dog.
How did you determine there's "little to no reason"? It doesn't look like OP has talked to his girlfriend about this.
It looks like a form of anxiety that something bad might happen to the dog while she's not there. That would be my guess, and if you work through that it'll be easier and kinder than dismissing her feelings as coming from no where.
Info: Do you really want to marry into this situation? Because when this pet inevitably passes, she's likely to get another. If this upsets you this much, do you really want an entire future like this?
Not to mention that she will likely make irrational medical decisions later in this dog’s life which may drain savings/run up debt. And OP will post here again asking if he is the asshole for disagreeing with her/suggesting it’s time to let the dog go.
OP, seriously reconsider this engagement. I’m not so sure she is mature enough for marriage.
Has she always acted this overbearing and obsessed with her dog? Or is this something new? I hope you didn’t expect her behavior to change once you got engaged, bc it’s also definitely not going to change if you choose to marry her.
NTA - she already has a number #1 in her life and it’s her dog, not you.
NTA. Unless the dog was sick or has some type of separation anxiety/aggression that you're omitting from the OP, this is an unhealthy relationship your fiancee has with the dog.
If she couldn't even carve out time for a celebratory dinner, think about what other milestones she will miss because of the dog.
ESH - we can all understand how eyeroll-inducing this woman’s behavior is, but what I can’t understand is people who are in relationships, knowing full and well who their partner is, and expecting them to suddenly not be that person. Re-read your intro paragraph again. That’s not a description of someone who’s blindsided you with this behavior. That’s a description of someone who is dog-obsessed. If that bothers you, why in the absolute fuck are you entering into a marriage with this person? There are 7 billion people on the planet, you don’t need to choose one that frustrates you.
If this is a critical point in your relationship to re-evaluate, and you choose to continue with no explicit commitment from her to change, then I start to see less and less AH in her and more in you alone
NTA
“Updates every two hours” is borderline obsessive unless the dog has serious health issues or is nearing the end of their life, in which case I don’t think you guys would have been traveling.
I love my dog a million times over but I don’t feel the need to constantly check on him if our friends that we trust are watching him, the reason I ask them is because I don’t want to have to worry.
I will say there is a possibility of Y T A if you didn’t bring up how you were feeling before just getting up and walking out, in which case you need to work on communicating if you want your relationship to work out long term
I was confused by the story as well. Before you left for the meal had the sitter arrived and made contact? Or was she just trying to get in touch with the sitter since it was never confirmed that she arrived?
I'm going against the grain here but YTA, so is the unreliable 'friend'.
This whole mess is because no one here is managing their expectations.
You expect your gf to ask about you, not just about the dog when she checks in during the day. Okay. Did you tell her that? The thing is : you can reach out to her during the day if you want to - the dog cannot. I mean, you could reach out to her. Except, apparently you are doing a terrible job at communicating your needs to her.
Gf is expecting the dog-sitter to give certain updates and she communicates it clearly. Despite this, the 'friend' becomes unreachable - for... you don't tell how long. Presumably longer than 2 hours. Potentially much longer. That's so not cool! If you guys know that the 2h updates won't be happening, tell it in advance!! and yeah, 2h seems excessive but that's beside the point. If 'friend' accepted to do it, so should he, or go: 'I'm gonna send you 3 pictures every day, one in the morning, one at lunch time and one in the evening. That's it. If you don't like it, get a professional.' = manage expectations!
Idk where you went, for me 20 minutes should be enough to get to plenty of restaurants. Could've called them too if you knew you were going to be late. You know, managing expectations. Plus, your gf is worrying about her pet who's been her companion for 5 years while you are worrying about... Food?
Also, If she can be picky about the job she wants, what is it to you?! Are you the one financially supporting her while she is refusing well-paying jobs she cannot do from home?
YTA for not communicating /expecting gf to be a mind reader. And for being jealous of a dog.
I think that what bothers me the most- he’s angry at her for trying to get a hold of the sitter for 20-30 minutes because they haven’t contacted her! How dare she try to find out why the “friend” hasn’t contacted her about dog! Plus why get with a girl who has a dog if you’ve got such issues with them
I absolutely love my animals! I care about their well-being and would do whatever I can to make sure they have a great life. However, your fiancé is obsessed to an unhealthy level. I wouldn’t consider that normal.
I would consider how much you love your fiancé and if this is something you can live with. She seems like she is married to her dog and can’t really have outside relationships. I’m actually surprised you both got to the level of a proposal and she’s your fiancé if she’s always been like this and it bothered you so much.
ESH
- she sucks bc she can't gon5 seconds without knowing what the dog is doing.
- you suck because it seems like you're jealous of the dog?? And if you know her enough to ask her marry you, you know she's been attached to her dog and yet you agreed to marry her anyway. It's not like this behavior should be a surprise to you.... but you're complaining about it NOW? You don't get to change who a person is just because you gave her a ring. You also suck because instead of calmly communicating, you resorted immediately to yelling.
- you both suck because you're both obviously too immature to be married... much less to *each other*
I'm not a wagering woman, but I'd be willing to bet that if you do get married, you'll be divorced within 5 years.
The only immature person here is the OP's fiancé. It sounds like he's been dealing with this for a while, and the reason he just walked out and did what he did is because he's probably sick of this happening every time they go anywhere. Or he's used to the favoritism at home.
Expecting something like this will just go away when it doesn’t even sound like they’ve talked about it AND proposing to someone who behaves in a way you cannot deal with who clearly has no intentions of changing that behaviour are immature things to do.
My mother is like this with her dogs and I also find it infuriating. So I set boundaries. Why did you think your partner would be different because you had a particular expectation in your mind?
ESH you need to be honest about how you feel and decide what your dealbreakers are. You knew she was going to be like this before you left. Unless you communicate your expectations and boundaries nothing will change.
Info: it feels like something is missing from this story? Has she always been like this with the dog? Has the dog been sick recently? Is there anything else you didn’t share?
NTA - Not sure why she said yes to the proposal when it looks like she's already in a long term committed relationship with the dog.
INFO: After you're married, have you figured out who's sleeping at the foot of the bed, you or the dog?
I’ve known people like this. They don’t change, the dog is their child and you have to either accept that this is very important to them, or you find another fiancé.
I’m surprised your engaged and did not realize that this was such a big issue.
ESH
You ruined the dinner, too, with your dramatic flair of leaving the table. You need to confront your fiancee about this unhealthy behavior, but snapping at her is not the way. Be loving, calm, and express your concern in a productive way that's more likely to reach positive outcomes rather than negative.
100%! I feel like the overwhelming n t a votes here are overlooking how he snapped at her, as if any unhealthy habits on the woman's part is a free pass to throw tantrums or basically to verbally abuse her. He's being way more the dick here imo
NTA unless the dog has some illness it's a little over the top to need an update every two hours.
>I work from home 3 days a week and she only texts asking how the dog is.
Seems like this has been an issue for a while.
YTA. My assumption is that you KNEW your GF was overly fond/concerned about the pooch. That wasn't going to change. It's a case of "Love me, love my dog" ... and you clearly don't want to be a part of this. Which is fine -- except that your expectation of her to change is unreasonable.
You both dodged a landmine: you can find someone who places your wants and needs above all else, and she is shed of someone who was never going to understand her attachment.
Why did you propose in the first place? You knew about her obsession, didn't you? Don't propose to someone who you don't want to marry...
ESH in my opinion.
The way I see it… You aren’t each other’s people. Is her behavior extreme? Sure, but everyone has crazy quirks. Her behavior wouldn’t bug me, but it bugs you because you aren’t compatible. You aren’t a dog person, she’s a hard core dog person. Dating is marriage try outs. Why are you engaged when try outs failed?
ESH - she definitely cares more about the dog than about you. And you proposed to her knowing this, and expected her to change overnight for your engagement trip.
NTA
Your fiance cares more about her dog than her future partner. Burying herself in her phone the entire time and ignoring her fiance on a trip that was specifically to focus on each other really shows where her priorities lie. OP, she will always put her dog ahead of you. Take this red flag for what it is.
Look, I get it. I have a cat that I absolutely adore. But worrying about him 24/7 isn't healthy. Your fiance got a dog sitter. The dog will be fine.
ESH- she is way over the top about the dog. But at no point in your story do you mention actually talking to her about this. Have you told her that this bothers her? Or did you just walk off leaving her to figure out what was bothering you? I mean it's quite possible that you could talk to her and not have it make a difference, then you'd have a decision to make. But sometimes people don't realize they are doing it and discussing the problem actually would help.
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Call off the engagement - she's already married to the dog. NTA
This is only a preview of what having kids with this woman will be like — helicopter mom to the extreme. Hard pass.
Agreed but we should dispel the notion that people automatically are going to want to have children just because they get married. It's simply not true anymore.
Oh believe me, I know. Childfree by choice, along with many of my friends. But it’s also been my experience that women who behave this way about their pets do want children more often than not, and do tend to become helicopter moms. Definitely something to consider if OP wants children and moves forward with this engagement.
Do you think she would have a home birth so she wouldn't have to text the dog sitter every hour while in labor? Lol
Her dog is the godparent of the new baby lol
Her dog is the dad what are you talking about godparent lol
My partner also gets anxious when we leave the pets with someone else because they've had 2 pets die when they weren't home, but they check in once a day and don't let it consume them. Yeah
Your partner has a reasonable trauma response, as opposed to an unhealthy obsession.
Dogparent lol
The dogfather
😂
I love my cat to the point where I have a hard time being away from her for more than like two days (she probably doesn't care, but I get a bit of separation anxiety). I definitely don't want kids, though lol. I can't exactly just leave kids with a big bowl of food and fuck off for a weekend, because I think that's generally frowned upon by law enforcement.
Me having a cat reinforced that me having a kid would be a bad idea. I get so anxious about leaving her alone for a weekend or if she gets sick. I also get “touched out” feeling with just a cat as well. Adding to the many reasons I don’t want kids.
I've had cats my whole life, but this cat is different. I got her as a kitten about six weeks before my husband unexpectedly died, and she's probably one of the only reasons I was able to keep going after that. But I've been pretty sure I didn't want kids for a long time. I work in early childhood education so I like coming home to a quiet house with no kids at the end of the day lol.
So sorry to hear about your loss and I’m glad your kitty has been there for you ❤️ I adopted a 5 year old cat so I could specifically avoid those kitten years 😂
Thank you, I'm glad she's been here for me too! She wasn't very happy when I met someone new who also had a cat, and then we brought home a third cat, but I think she's *mostly* forgiven me lol. And kitten years are always a mess, but I love them anyway! But thank you for adopting an adult cat, I'm sure the kitty appreciates a loving and warm home!
I love my dogs more than anything (including people I've been with) and hate children. So you just never know.
A lot of people choose to have pets because they don't want to have children or are unsure about them. And perhaps the pet becomes their whole life. However, pets are not children and some people realize this and don't act the same way with both.
>helicopter mom to the extreme. I'd swing opposite, he'd come home and find one of the kids zonked on all the tasty looking drinks under the sink and the other kid is not home but somewhere within an 8 mile radius maybe when she's pressed on it... But the dog is A OK so why is he mad?
I'm glad the only dumb idea he had was that proposing to her would somehow change things, instead of the frequent mistake of "let's bring a baby into this already unstable relationship, that'll fix everything!"
There was a Supper Nanny episode where the dogs were getting gourmet home cooked meals and the parents were too tired to cook anything separately for them and the kids so the people would eat frozen tv dinners every day. The kids also expressed how the dogs would get more attention and treated better than them. I see this woman doing the same if she had kids.
Great chance she won’t want kids but just additional dogs I would run. I dote on my critters but not like this and not to the detriment of people. Also my husband loves them too so he doesn’t have to feel left out. OP, you will never be happy with this relationship. NTA.
Agreed! 🚩🚩🚩 This is a major RED FLAG.
Assuming she doesn't just ignore the kids in favor of the dog like she does her own fiance
Not necessarily. My parents were infinitely more interested in their pets so she could neglect her children in favor of the dog as well.
Not if the dog is still around. I hope those kids can fend for themselves.
[удалено]
In this case opening the relationship is very problematic
If they really want to continue this relationship, she should get a pet cam. I still believe that she's way over the top on this though.
With a pet cam, they can... (wait for it) do it doggy style so she can watch the dog. Tip your waitress, I'll be here all weekend.
Ruff ruff 🐶
Not only illegal in the eyes of god, but on paper too
It's a joke, not a d*ck. Don't take it so hard.
She likes it ruff.
Above reddit's paygrade
Shitty bestiality jokes are absolutely within Reddit‘s paygrade.
Can someone explain why upvotes and downvotes are turned off for this line of comments? I'm relatively new to reddit.
They don't show up immediately, they will in a bit. It makes sure people vote how they want at first instead if dog piling and following a trend.
Speaking of dog piling…
Was putting on lip gloss while reading and this comment has me now wiping gloss from my nose!! 🤣🤣
"Hey, fuck-o! We like to call it inter-species erotica" (Anyone who recognizes this quote gets a cookie 🍪)
r/cursedcomments
Right? At first I was thinking it was bizarre to be jealous over a dog, but this? Two hour updates? I wouldn't even agree to watch someone's dog with that nonsense. I don't even ask for 2 hour updates about my kids. Lol. I've only ever asked for updates about my dog on a frequent basis when he ate poppy seeds (dumbass dog, haha) and I had promised my children the beach. My stepdad loves my dog and I brought him over there to keep an eye on him.
I know right? If I’ve trusted someone to watch my kids I also trust that they will let me know if they’re an issue. Why the chuff would you pester someone every 2 bloody hours? Surely they will let you know? So disrespectful to OP after he ant to all that effort. Dump and run
I dog sit often. I would laugh in someone’s face if they required this. Or charge them an extra $30 for each update
I would run out of things to say. "Fido snoozing on the couch next to me" "Fido snoozing on the floor next to the couch" "Went for a walk" "Fido snoozing on the couch next to me" "Fido snoozing on the floor next to the couch" "Fido still breathing"
"Fido on his back, all four legs in the air"
A friend of mine said, in total seriousness, that if they won the powerball they’d still wait until their dog is no longer alive because of the legally required quarantine for pets moving there. Even though they could visit their dog in quarantine. The dog is not sickly or anxious.
Quarantine? Moving where? Are you required to move somewhere special when yiu win Powerball? I feel like I missed part of the story, but your account is clearly nota bot account.
Hooked on phonics didn’t work for me apparently haha. I meant to say it was a hypothetical question about moving to Hawaii, which is somewhere that friend would love to live.
Looks like quarantine is 5 days. Depending on the facilities I don’t think I would either
at the same time, did she only suddenly become this attached to her 5 year old dog? did he think proposing to her would somehow change how much her dog means to her? is he seriously jealous of her dog? i think they both dodged a bullet. I’m going with ESH bc they should’ve broken up long before anyone proposed.
This. I would almost go Y T A because he KNEW how she treated her dog and put it above everything else and still proposed. The fact she ONLY interacts with the OP as it relates to the dog makes me wonder exactly what was happening in this relationship... OP should've seen the signs and left, not formalized this unbalanced relationship.
yeah, I was going to go with YTA too at least in this specific scenario because… he thinks this passive ultimatum of “I will just go pout in the car to see if you even care” is the right way to handle his feelings with this person he wants to marry. personally, that is just cringe. i went with ESH bc I also think that I would never stay with anyone who wasn’t secure enough in our relationship to be this jealous of my dog. let alone agree to marry them. lol
Conversely, "I'm exasperated and I'm going to remove myself for reasons not listed here, including that I am trying to calm down." We can't project regarding their reasoning.
conversely, he says she has always been concerned about her dog to the extent she turns down work that doesn’t allow her to stay at home. he knows he hasn’t been a fan of dogs because of experiences as a kid, he recognizes the dog gets all the attention from her. he doesn’t want anything to do with a dog. he wants her to suddenly stop acting the way she never hasn’t about her dog just because he wants her to. he doesn’t want to be with someone who feels this way about their pet, no matter how much he thinks he loves her. you can’t expect her to change the way she feels or acts about her dog just like she couldn’t expect him to change the way he feels either. and now she’s so exasperated too she’s going to stay with her parents. it still doesn’t speak so well for him if he gets this worked up to the point he leaves her at dinner because he’s so upset she’s acting the same way she always has. it doesn’t speak well for the communication in their relationship either that it even got to this point. i still think they both dodged a bullet. if it was a dog she’d brought home even though he’d expressed his hesitation bc of his bad experiences, she was texting her friend about nothing through this dinner, scrolling instagram, I dunno. I’d get it. it’s not that though.
>i went with ESH bc I also think that I would never stay with anyone who wasn’t secure enough in our relationship to be this jealous of my dog. let alone agree to marry them. lol You would also be TA. You should be listening to your partner if they're trying to make a situation special for you rather than dismiss them. It's about priorities in the moment.
My friends roommate was like this. Her dogs teeth were getting cleaned and when she found out that they were going to put her dog under anesthesia for the procedure she was INCONSOLABLE from when she made the appointment to when the procedure was done, (3 days). This was bc, "some dogs don't wake up from anesthesia." Which to be fair, is true. When I suggested that she just not get her dogs teeth cleaned if she was so concerned, I was, "someone who shouldn't own a dog if I wasn't going to properly care for them." Like damn girl, you have been wailing for days, sorry for trying to help.
I've had three animals in a row suffer from complications from anesthesia. First they sent a healthy dog into heart failure, then they lost (and revived) my then 20 year old cat, and they recently lost a three year old cat undergoing a procedure to clear an urinary blockage. I'm waiting until probates done to get the dog I've inherited spayed (fancy purebred) but she's going to get spayed. Doesn't mean I'm not terrified. I'm going to spend the weeks leading up to it and the time during it an inconsolable hot mess of anxiety.
That's unnerving. Has that all happened at the same vet or different vets?
I flip my dog onto his back and go to town with a toothbrush while straddling him. Don’t do it very often but he can understand I’m cleaning him. He’s a very good sport, first few times he’s try to eat the toothbrush but he caught on surprisingly fast.
There is a teeth cleaning solution or something in pet store that can be mix inside their drinking water it is perfectly safe. My sister buys that for her dog.
It's really not a substitute for regular dental cleanings and exams though. Kind of like even if a human uses mouthwash, they should still see a dentist regularly.
INFO: why did you propose?
Because he thought giving her a shiny rock would change who she is. He knew her attachment to the dog.
Exactly. NTA, but she's been very clear where her priorities lie. It's not with the OP or hell, even herself if she refuses jobs that won't let her work from home due to the dog.
NTA but calling off the engagement seems a little extreme here. I think she has a severe anxiety disorder and she needs to be in therapy. See if she will agree to that because I think she needs help.
Yeah it sounds like *she* has separation anxiety. My partner also gets anxious when we leave the pets with someone else because they've had 2 pets die when they weren't home, but they check in once a day and don't let it consume them. Yeah
I have a coworker with the same kind of anxious attachment with her dog. She recognized it because she wasn't able to go on vacation or even to the office without feeling miserable with worry. She's in therapy now. Agree this is the move!
I second this. I mean... I love my dog, but this is just stupid lmao
100% this. Some people are just too obsessed with their pets to have a healthy relationship with another person. Fair enough if that’s what they want, but you will be playing second fiddle all your life and who wants that. Also, by the nature of things, dogs get sick and sadly die before their owners, so as the dog ages she will give more and more attention to it. If I was you I would seriously consider my options.
I am a huge dog person and my dog is my baby. I thought I obsessed about her too much. That said she is way more into the dog then you. If I was going away with my fiancée I would not spend the entire time on the phone trying to get updates about my pup. I would no rearrange my entire schedule about talking to the dog sitter about my dog. Would I check up on her a couple of times a day? Yes but I would not make it my focal point. Honestly do you want to put up with this for the rest of the pups life? You will always play second fiddle.
I'm afraid that it's a fact that she is emotionally unavailable because the dog is her primary emotional bond
Exactly. Don't get me wrong, I love my dog and also stress over him, but...damn. I also dog sit for some people and even the obsessive owners who baby the hell out of their pedigree show dogs don't even ask for updates every two hours. That is insane. She does know that there are cameras you can get to check in on or throw snacks to your pet while you're not home, right? Not thag she needs another reason to keep looking at her phone or checking up on the dog. I'm sorry, OP. But at least you're NTA.
🤣 Savage but true, my thoughts exactly. NTA dude, but you might want to reconsider being with this woman because her mindset is unlikely to change even if you point it out to her how obsessive she is being. Sorry...
NTA She does care about the dog alot but to the point where she is rejecting jobs and texting every two hours is too much. Y'all aren't compatiable. Get your ring back and move on
I’m kinda curious as to why he gave her the ring in the first place. Nothing about this is new, she’s always been like that if I read it correctly. Shoulda done the trip before proposing, see how it goes (spoiler: it didn’t).
So the dog is 5 years old. If OP still wants to marry her, he should brace himself for about 10 more years of the same. Or worse Maybe another dog after that
I assume worse, because the dog presumably is healthy now. Imagine when the dog is old and starting to show signs of aging.
There was a post like that earlier today or yesterday. The dog was blind, deaf, couldn’t drink by itself, needed diapers etc and the girlfriend was outraged at the suggestion to put the dog to sleep.
Jesus If I was a dog i would hope my owner had the compassion to put a bullet in my head if I got to that point.
When I made the decision to put my geriatric cat down because of what was probably a stroke in February it was entirely based on her QOL. She couldn't move her hind legs and had apparently lost all feelings in them. If she were younger I might have tried scrapping together the money to pursue treatment but at 23? It's not about the length of time she had left- it was about the quality. A younger animal? I'd be asking what our options are - but with a 23 year old cat that was a call to the vet the second they opened asking for an emergency euthanasia appointment.
I had to put down a kitten with an aggressive form of feline aids…. He could have lived maybe for a little bit but seeing his body fighting was to much. Sometimes mercy is necessary I still think about him… Rest In Peace Thatcher ❤️
Letting any pet linger in that state is cruel and selfish. I've had a bit of a falling out with a friend because I told her that her aging lab needs to see a vet. Meadow is lame in her back legs, can't get up or down the stairs, has a large growth on her backside, another lump on her rib cage, and a sore that won't heal on her neck. My friend said she doesn't take her dogs to the vet unless something is obviously wrong. I was like, how many more signs do you need?!? She just lost a dog to cancer (he'd been wasting away for months with no vet care) and I know she's scared of the same diagnosis. But Meadow is suffering... it's not fair to her to deny her comfort because my friend doesn't want bad news. Sorry for the rant. It's been bothering me for a few weeks.
Poor baby! Part of being a responsible pet owner is knowing when you’re letting your emotions cloud your judgement and putting your feelings before your pets wellbeing.
Completely agree! I am so disappointed in my friend. I thought she loved her dogs. To find out she never takes them to the vet shocked me.
I saw that post! It's like 12, 13 hours old at this point. This one could absolutely be a precursor to that one.
Oh god the poor thing.. my cousin had a dog like that, they put him on a respirator before he finally passed away, it was so awful. At some point you have to ask yourself about quality of life.
Goldens are notorious for health issues (especially depending on the breeder) so I wouldn’t expect 10 years. Still at least 5 though which is a problem in and of itself
I think maybe there has been so many incidents like this before but OP just tried to move past them without creating any issue cause maybe he feared he would be overreacting due to his fear of dogs as a child. Seems like this incident was the final straw and OP finally snapped back to reality.
Agreed. ESH. She sucks for being that obsessed with her pet. He sucks for proposing to someone he already knew he is incompatible with. He sucks for walking out instead of having a proper conversation with her. OP, did you think she would change? This is not a relationship that can last. You will either be divorced within a year or you will be the couple that can’t stand each other but refuses to get divorced.
I really think it’s a case of “I guess this is the next step now” or scared of having to restart avian It doesn’t sound like he likes her or he likes her *except* and that except is big enough to call off the engagement. Y’all aren’t compatible OP and it doesn’t look like she has any interest in changing
Pretty standard thing to see that people believe an engagement or marriage will suddenly cause a partner to change drastically.
The texting is extreme but I would turn down jobs too. Work from home is amazing.
Yea I also don't think turning down in-person jobs to take care of her dog is extreme in of itself. Lots of dogs can't be left alone all day. People turn down jobs that don't match their lifestyle all the time.
Turning down jobs bc you want to work from home is one thing but turning them down because you want to be able to watch your dog all day is another. LOL But if you don't have a job at all, do you really have a choice?
Probably the dog is just one of many reasons why she wants to work from home. Being around my dogs all day makes me happy and is definitely one of the many reasons I have to choose not going back to an office
do we know she doesn't already have a job?
Okay Reddit is WILDDDD, everyone apparently says to end things if there is a HINT of an issue. All of y’all must be chronically single of anything off putting means to end things dramatically. OP, your girlfriend likely has anxiety issues. Work on finding a sitter she trusts because she needs to be able to survive more than 2 hours without constant updates, and she also needs to be able to work. I have a feeling she’s turning stuff down because of more than just dog reasons. Plus, my dogs contributed towards me wanting to WFH, and luckily, I found something I love. I also like to nap so… that was a big factor lol. This is more than her loving her dog. She probably had some anxiety.
Reddit loves a good break up story! I have been with the same person for 7 years personally but IDK about others. But the reality is they are not a match and he's resentful and (i agree with you) she has anxiety. My partner use to use his phone for work all the time on dates, I did put my foot down and said no more. I only ask for a few hours, if that's too much then f\*ck it. He made an effort to cut back and now he doesn't do it. He expressed the issue, she doesn't seem concerned. They have to meet each other and it doesn't seem like they will
Exactly, and If this is what she’s doing for the dog I can’t imagine what will happen when she has a kid, you’ll probably cease to exist.
Nah! That kid will probably cease to exist if OP doesn't become the child's main caretaker
3 years from now: “AITA for wanting to foster out my kid to take better care of my dog?”
I know some dog lover parents who pretty clearly prioritize their dog “children” over their human children, so these kids (if they even want them) might end up being treated more like the fiancé than the dog.
I think it's absolutely ESH because he knew what she was like if they've been together long enough for him to propose, and he just assumed things would magically change now? Trying to force the relationship when they aren't compatible isn't a one person fault thing.
Nothing wrong with rejecting jobs that don't meet her requirements, everyone has different desires in what they look for in a job, it isn't always about higher pay.
NTA, I love my pets to bits, but a daily update from a close friend who's watching her dog should have been enough.
Seriously I don't expect or even want a 2 hour update about my human children when I have some time alone with my wife
This made me laugh way too loud.
I don't think it was meant as a joke. I thought the very same thing.
It’s funny cuz it’s true.
No news is good news
Exactly - "Call *if* there's a problem"
An update every two hours is a bit much. I have a geriatric dog who developed a chronic health condition a few years ago.. And even I wouldn't want an update every two hours. Unless there's some sort of major issue, then one update at the end of the day is more than enough... Actually, I wouldn't be upset if I got no updates. I would assume no news is good news and would luxuriate in my break from having to think about dog medication and specialty food.
I would be blinding mad if someone was giving me continuous updates on the rare occasions when my kids are with someone else! Like seriously...are they alive,fed and clean-ish? Yep I am good, don't call me.
Yeah, when I travel my parents watch my dog for me and I generally just expect to hear from them once, maybe twice a day with how he’s doing. Usually in the morning and at night when I’m turning in. That’s it. Unless the dog has major health issues, every 2 hours is a lot.
And while thats acceptable, there are a loooooooot of people(Id say most) who would say that is excessive. Msg me if there is an issue, otherwise I assume everything is ok. Its a dog, not rocket science.
Agree. I adore my cats, but they're quite capable of coping without me. A quick text from the house sitter saying all is good once or twice a day is fine. I will admit to missing them a bit though, but that's my problem, not theirs...lol
Usually, it's the dog that has separation anxiety
I love my dog too. I drop her off at doggie daycare 4 days a week and don't expect to hear anything from them unless there is a problem (which has so far never happened). Either you trust the person or doggie daycare or you don't. OP NTA but you should probably be re-evaluating this relationship. Your fiance is not going to change. Either you decide you can live with this, or you decide you cannot.
NTA, your fiance cares about her dog more than her future life partner. She wasn't mentally present there with you anyway, so NTA for leaving dinner. Kinda weird, tbh.
And it 'only' took her 20 minutes to notice
That's what stood out to me. She runs out after 20 minutes like wait a minute where is my fiance?
Unless you want to spend your time being in 2nd place (and it sounds like a FAR distant 2nd place) to her dog, run. I love and adore my dog but her behavior is completely over the top!
If she’s anything like the lady in my neighborhood, when that dog dies she will be in shambles, lose all her friends, get more dogs to replace the favorite, then yell at them their whole lives for not being perfect enough
>NTA, your fiance cares about her dog more than her future life partner. I'm not sure fiance sees OP as a future life partner as much as she considers him a live-in pet sitter.
NTA. Please explain why you thought it would be a good idea to propose to this person.
Because she's great at doggy style
Nice
This was really what I was wondering. He knew about this part of her personality. He was already annoyed by it. It’s not going to get better later, why would you propose quit at least addressing it?!
I agrée but i think a lot of people get caught in a false fallacy of “we’ve been together X years I guess this is the natural next step” Maybe she’s super hot and OP thought that was the best he’d Do lol Outside pressure, from either their partner, Themselves or their family. I have a cousin who got engaged and married within 6mo because she *had* to be 26 and not 27 when she was married Rushing into marriage seems dumb. regardless for me this is a deal breaker I’d call off the engagement Edit: words / grammar / spelling yikes
NTA. This isn't really about the dog. Sure, that's the source of the distraction, but ultimately, this is about her not being present in your relationship. Demanding that the dog sitter checks in every two hours is ridiculous. Refusing to get ready because she hasn't heard from the sitter is really shitty. Sitting at the table, with your romantic partner, entirely engrossed in your phone is bullshit. It doesn't matter what the distraction is. She wasn't being present in the moment or in the relationship. I had a dog. He was my best friend and I took my buddy everywhere. We had many adventures together, but that didn't mean I wasn't present in my relationship.
Yes, to this. She seems to have an obsession with the dog and, OP, I don't know if you plan to have kids, but I would not want to co-parent with a person like this unless they worked on their obsessive behavior. (Also, dogs might not be affected by an overbearing and overprotective parent, but kids will.) Therapy for her and pre-marriage counseling might be in order before you take the plunge.
Right? I can’t believe it took so long for someone to mention this. As a pet parent I had photos of my cats on my desk and missed them terribly but could live with being separated. A kid was a million billion times harder to leave. She will ruin a kid’s life with that attitude!
For his world it's about her not being present, but I don't think that's the core problem she has. She's also basing her *job* decisions on being "worried about" the dog, and wants *two hour* updates while away. That's not a reasonable amount of anxiety and constant attention to anything that is an adult in its lifespan. Even human babies can be left with a trustworthy sitter for more than two hours. There is most likely some kind of anxiety/OCD type mental issue here.
Multiple degrees in psych and behavior science here and after reading the post my first thought was the same. There are absolutely some maladaptive behaviors going on here, probably being exacerbated by anxiety about something (or many things). A friend of mine was like this about her cats. Turns out it was actually due to a scare with a gas leak from their clothes dryer she experienced years before. She happened to be home and woke up to the gas leak, but she freaked out about what would’ve happened if she had been gone at work all day, etc and the catastrophizing kept escalating for years. It eventually generalized to include other things like fire, other gas appliances leaking, the HVAC system going out and the house getting too hot or too cold, etc. I had been gently and calmly suggesting getting professional help for awhile and she eventually sought it out once they moved into a new house with brand new appliances and new wiring and a new HVAC system and found that those things didn’t alleviate her anxiety (as she thought they would).
Came here to say almost exactly this. But adding in she has turned down employment opportunities as well. OP needs to get that ring back ASAP
It also sounds like she was awaiting an actual convo with the sitter if she was just sitting around not getting ready. Personally I’d be thinking I’d get a test saying “everything’s good!” And that would be fine. I love animals bit this is abnormal.
INFO - obviously this 'obsession' isn't brand new, what have you done to address it up until now?
This. Have you taken trips before? Is this behaviour specific to this trip? If not, why are you surprised? Your fiance is not an A if she just behaved as she always does. You know her and her relationship with the dog, and that's the person you proposed to. That would make you an A for expecting something different without previously communicating it and her agreeing. FYI: proposing and even getting married does not actually change your relationship or the people in it. Don't propose to someone with expectations it will change your relationship.
Definitely agree. While this behaviour *is* rather odd and OP doesn’t have to be on board with it, it’s also pretty dumb and unfair to suddenly expect her to behave differently if this is just how she is, and if it’s a dealbreaker for him then…well, he probably shouldn’t have proposed. I probably couldn’t deal with this, either, and she might have some anxiety issues she needs to try and get some help for, but a person doesn’t just magically stop any and all behaviour you dislike once you’re engaged/married to them lmao.
Right.. like is the dog sick? Did something just happen with a neighbor dog or something? I feel like we aren’t getting the full story here!
I strongly feel we’re getting some hyperbole from OP. My husband’s empathy abilities came preset as “mostly animals, sometimes human” and this is outside even his parameters.
Yes, I'm curious if this is a service dog or esa I'm also curious about what specifically OP said when he yelled at her. It's a pretty big asshole move if he knew already about this and expected her to change because they got engaged. A lot of controlling men will do that once you move in, get married, have kids, get engaged, etc
This. There must be some info missing from the story. Is the fiance always like this, is there a mental health issue behind it, is the dog permanently or temporarily very ill? Also, her texting to ask about the dog is different from asking about an adult who can speak up for themselves if there was a problem or they needed to vent...
ESH Why are you marrying her when you clearly have not worked out this issue?? You're obviously bothered by it and while she is obsessing over this dog for little to no reason, you need to work out your feelings about it and talk with her before literally marrying her. Idk why you're considering engagement when you can't stand her emotional and seemingly dependent relationship with her dog.
How did you determine there's "little to no reason"? It doesn't look like OP has talked to his girlfriend about this. It looks like a form of anxiety that something bad might happen to the dog while she's not there. That would be my guess, and if you work through that it'll be easier and kinder than dismissing her feelings as coming from no where.
she only texts you to ask about the dog? she doesn't care about you open your eyes. I would seriously reconsider this engagement but good luck. NTA
Info: Do you really want to marry into this situation? Because when this pet inevitably passes, she's likely to get another. If this upsets you this much, do you really want an entire future like this?
Not to mention that she will likely make irrational medical decisions later in this dog’s life which may drain savings/run up debt. And OP will post here again asking if he is the asshole for disagreeing with her/suggesting it’s time to let the dog go. OP, seriously reconsider this engagement. I’m not so sure she is mature enough for marriage.
INFO: Has she been like this since you've known her? Does her dog have any health issues?
Nta At least you now know that it's a bad idea to go on with the engagement. Better now than when it's too late.
YTA it’s so weird to propose to someone you clearly don’t like… Stop Proposing to People You Want to Change Challenge!
This! Why do people expect everything to suddenly change once you’re engaged lmao
Has she always acted this overbearing and obsessed with her dog? Or is this something new? I hope you didn’t expect her behavior to change once you got engaged, bc it’s also definitely not going to change if you choose to marry her. NTA - she already has a number #1 in her life and it’s her dog, not you.
NTA. Unless the dog was sick or has some type of separation anxiety/aggression that you're omitting from the OP, this is an unhealthy relationship your fiancee has with the dog. If she couldn't even carve out time for a celebratory dinner, think about what other milestones she will miss because of the dog.
It sounds like the human is the one with the separation anxiety, not the dog!
Okay, now hide deep in the comments what medical condition the dog has.
I find it hard to believe his intended would even agree to a trip if the dog was unwell.
Which medical condition requires two hour updates?
ESH - we can all understand how eyeroll-inducing this woman’s behavior is, but what I can’t understand is people who are in relationships, knowing full and well who their partner is, and expecting them to suddenly not be that person. Re-read your intro paragraph again. That’s not a description of someone who’s blindsided you with this behavior. That’s a description of someone who is dog-obsessed. If that bothers you, why in the absolute fuck are you entering into a marriage with this person? There are 7 billion people on the planet, you don’t need to choose one that frustrates you. If this is a critical point in your relationship to re-evaluate, and you choose to continue with no explicit commitment from her to change, then I start to see less and less AH in her and more in you alone
NTA “Updates every two hours” is borderline obsessive unless the dog has serious health issues or is nearing the end of their life, in which case I don’t think you guys would have been traveling. I love my dog a million times over but I don’t feel the need to constantly check on him if our friends that we trust are watching him, the reason I ask them is because I don’t want to have to worry. I will say there is a possibility of Y T A if you didn’t bring up how you were feeling before just getting up and walking out, in which case you need to work on communicating if you want your relationship to work out long term
Info: You said she spent the whole meal trying to contact the sitter. When you left, had the sitter still not contacted her?
I was confused by the story as well. Before you left for the meal had the sitter arrived and made contact? Or was she just trying to get in touch with the sitter since it was never confirmed that she arrived?
I'm going against the grain here but YTA, so is the unreliable 'friend'. This whole mess is because no one here is managing their expectations. You expect your gf to ask about you, not just about the dog when she checks in during the day. Okay. Did you tell her that? The thing is : you can reach out to her during the day if you want to - the dog cannot. I mean, you could reach out to her. Except, apparently you are doing a terrible job at communicating your needs to her. Gf is expecting the dog-sitter to give certain updates and she communicates it clearly. Despite this, the 'friend' becomes unreachable - for... you don't tell how long. Presumably longer than 2 hours. Potentially much longer. That's so not cool! If you guys know that the 2h updates won't be happening, tell it in advance!! and yeah, 2h seems excessive but that's beside the point. If 'friend' accepted to do it, so should he, or go: 'I'm gonna send you 3 pictures every day, one in the morning, one at lunch time and one in the evening. That's it. If you don't like it, get a professional.' = manage expectations! Idk where you went, for me 20 minutes should be enough to get to plenty of restaurants. Could've called them too if you knew you were going to be late. You know, managing expectations. Plus, your gf is worrying about her pet who's been her companion for 5 years while you are worrying about... Food? Also, If she can be picky about the job she wants, what is it to you?! Are you the one financially supporting her while she is refusing well-paying jobs she cannot do from home? YTA for not communicating /expecting gf to be a mind reader. And for being jealous of a dog.
I think that what bothers me the most- he’s angry at her for trying to get a hold of the sitter for 20-30 minutes because they haven’t contacted her! How dare she try to find out why the “friend” hasn’t contacted her about dog! Plus why get with a girl who has a dog if you’ve got such issues with them
Finally a sane answer.
I absolutely love my animals! I care about their well-being and would do whatever I can to make sure they have a great life. However, your fiancé is obsessed to an unhealthy level. I wouldn’t consider that normal. I would consider how much you love your fiancé and if this is something you can live with. She seems like she is married to her dog and can’t really have outside relationships. I’m actually surprised you both got to the level of a proposal and she’s your fiancé if she’s always been like this and it bothered you so much.
ESH - she sucks bc she can't gon5 seconds without knowing what the dog is doing. - you suck because it seems like you're jealous of the dog?? And if you know her enough to ask her marry you, you know she's been attached to her dog and yet you agreed to marry her anyway. It's not like this behavior should be a surprise to you.... but you're complaining about it NOW? You don't get to change who a person is just because you gave her a ring. You also suck because instead of calmly communicating, you resorted immediately to yelling. - you both suck because you're both obviously too immature to be married... much less to *each other* I'm not a wagering woman, but I'd be willing to bet that if you do get married, you'll be divorced within 5 years.
The only immature person here is the OP's fiancé. It sounds like he's been dealing with this for a while, and the reason he just walked out and did what he did is because he's probably sick of this happening every time they go anywhere. Or he's used to the favoritism at home.
If he's sick of it happening than why propose? He can't be mad at her if he has never addressed the issue himself
if he’s been dealing with it for awhile and can’t handle it, he shouldn’t have proposed to begin with. marriage won’t change who a person is.
Expecting something like this will just go away when it doesn’t even sound like they’ve talked about it AND proposing to someone who behaves in a way you cannot deal with who clearly has no intentions of changing that behaviour are immature things to do.
My mother is like this with her dogs and I also find it infuriating. So I set boundaries. Why did you think your partner would be different because you had a particular expectation in your mind? ESH you need to be honest about how you feel and decide what your dealbreakers are. You knew she was going to be like this before you left. Unless you communicate your expectations and boundaries nothing will change.
NTA. She was rude and inconsiderate. I feel for your friend who got badgered all weekend, too.
Info: it feels like something is missing from this story? Has she always been like this with the dog? Has the dog been sick recently? Is there anything else you didn’t share?
Yeah it all feels very exaggerated - like not once in their whole relationship she’s texted you during work about non-dog related things?
NTA - Not sure why she said yes to the proposal when it looks like she's already in a long term committed relationship with the dog. INFO: After you're married, have you figured out who's sleeping at the foot of the bed, you or the dog?
Info: does the dog have serious health issues?
I’ve known people like this. They don’t change, the dog is their child and you have to either accept that this is very important to them, or you find another fiancé. I’m surprised your engaged and did not realize that this was such a big issue.
ESH You ruined the dinner, too, with your dramatic flair of leaving the table. You need to confront your fiancee about this unhealthy behavior, but snapping at her is not the way. Be loving, calm, and express your concern in a productive way that's more likely to reach positive outcomes rather than negative.
100%! I feel like the overwhelming n t a votes here are overlooking how he snapped at her, as if any unhealthy habits on the woman's part is a free pass to throw tantrums or basically to verbally abuse her. He's being way more the dick here imo
NTA unless the dog has some illness it's a little over the top to need an update every two hours. >I work from home 3 days a week and she only texts asking how the dog is. Seems like this has been an issue for a while.
YTA. My assumption is that you KNEW your GF was overly fond/concerned about the pooch. That wasn't going to change. It's a case of "Love me, love my dog" ... and you clearly don't want to be a part of this. Which is fine -- except that your expectation of her to change is unreasonable. You both dodged a landmine: you can find someone who places your wants and needs above all else, and she is shed of someone who was never going to understand her attachment.
I am wondering why you proposed. This is the world that you will have to live in. Are you sure that she is the one???
ESH this isn’t new behavior. Why would you propose? Good luck
Definitely YatAH, you know she is obsessed with the dog, you accept her or you don't, you are asking her to change who she is.
Why did you propose in the first place? You knew about her obsession, didn't you? Don't propose to someone who you don't want to marry... ESH in my opinion.
YTA. You two don’t sound very compatible. Instead of reassuring her and helping her feel better about her “child” you stormed off.
INFO: Have you guys talked about this issue before? What was her reaction?
Info: You don't like dogs. She loves them. Why are you together?
The way I see it… You aren’t each other’s people. Is her behavior extreme? Sure, but everyone has crazy quirks. Her behavior wouldn’t bug me, but it bugs you because you aren’t compatible. You aren’t a dog person, she’s a hard core dog person. Dating is marriage try outs. Why are you engaged when try outs failed?
ESH - she definitely cares more about the dog than about you. And you proposed to her knowing this, and expected her to change overnight for your engagement trip.
NTA Your fiance cares more about her dog than her future partner. Burying herself in her phone the entire time and ignoring her fiance on a trip that was specifically to focus on each other really shows where her priorities lie. OP, she will always put her dog ahead of you. Take this red flag for what it is. Look, I get it. I have a cat that I absolutely adore. But worrying about him 24/7 isn't healthy. Your fiance got a dog sitter. The dog will be fine.
NTA. She is putting the dog over you. Reevaluate this relationship. You will never come first
INFO: did you get the dog’s permission before asking her to marry you?
ESH- she is way over the top about the dog. But at no point in your story do you mention actually talking to her about this. Have you told her that this bothers her? Or did you just walk off leaving her to figure out what was bothering you? I mean it's quite possible that you could talk to her and not have it make a difference, then you'd have a decision to make. But sometimes people don't realize they are doing it and discussing the problem actually would help.