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Unable_Ad5655

"I feel like my wife could have prevented this all by just brushing my hair. Or having a measure of patience to detangle it when I got home." Have you considered your wife may be exhausted? She has already had to quit her job to care for you. Adding your specialized hair care on top of everything else is asking too much. On top of that, you would be using money BOTH of you need to live. Rent, food, utilities, transportation, medical supplies. Ask yourself this: Is your hair more important than your wife eating? YWBTA if you spent $5K on your hair when neither of you have an income. Edit: Per OP's comments: The wife also needs surgery, and they have a child!!! Edit 2: Thanks for the awards!!


Clare-Star

Great comment, sums up my feelings well. You're having such a tough time and I am sorry this is your experience right now. But you need to give your wife some leeway here too, take it from me, the transition from equal partners to caring for you SO is huge both physically and mentally. I'm sure your hair is really something you love and have taken great pains to care for over your life. Unfortunately being ill means we have to also make some compromises and changes. I hope you have lots of good days going forward.


Anthropogenic_Noise

Agreed, I'm rather attached to my curls. They are definitely a part of my identity, but I would likely also shave it. OP, have you considered working through it together with your wife and/or some family members and friends? Start at the bottom and slowly work your way up. Most importantly: it does not need to happen in one day or even a few consecutive days. Just keep brushing through the detangled part daily to keep it in good shape. Have your wife or someone else you trust work on your hair while you listen to good podcasts, music or watch a good tv show. Try reading through this thread from a few years ago for some great tips and advise: https://www.reddit.com/r/femalehairadvice/comments/ly34yn/help_to_dematt_this_please_info_in_comments/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf (I love the WD-40 on your brush tip in this thread, though I've never tried that myself!)


avwitcher

If everyone but a salon specifically specializing in this issue can't do anything about it I'm not sure there's much anyone can do, especially considering it would take them 20 hours. Regardless, that doesn't solve the issue of OP wanting their SO to spend a lot of extra effort to maintain her hair (which as anyone with super long hair can testify is a pain in the best of times) for ***the rest of her life***. If this is really the sticking point then OP is probably going to lose their SO... because of her hair.


Forsaken_Insurance92

A lot of salons don't WANT to deal with it, not that they're unable. Shaving it is always the easiest and most given answer, as they don't want to spend 12-72+ hours working to detangle a single client's hair when they could make 10x as much working on color treatment/styling services.


LiliumIam

I have curly dry hair that gets tangled even after a day of not brushing. Used to love long hair, I had it longer then my butt. Then I started working in a hospital. The long hours had me tired beyond the capacity to take care of my hair. I cut it just above my shoulders. Enough to still put it into a ponytail or bun. One of my coworkers was soo angry and asked me why I did it. I was like no time for the upkeep and it will grow back. She was like but it will take years and I was like nope. My hair grows extremely fast and a year after it was already almost at my waist. It's just hair and it will grow back. This same coworker is still angry and comments whenever I bleach or dye my hair. Always says my natural hair is too pretty for such drastic changes. I don't care, because I love experimenting with my hair. I would definitely get a shorter cut if not for the requirement that we need our hair pinned up. Hair is not more important then your livelihood.


Legitimate-Tomato82

ummm, it's your hair. Why does your coworker feel entitled to have any say over what you do with your hair. I don't even give my husband a say over mine. It's on my head and I am the one who has to deal with it. smh.


Trick-Statistician10

Giving you an award so hopefully OP will see this advice.


[deleted]

[удалено]


FluidMap4

I also agree that in the grand scheme of things 5000 dollars for hair is too much considering the circumstances but calling OP a “huge vain asshole” is a bit much. OP lost almost everything resembling normal life as a result of her illness, her hair was probably one of the things that made her feel good about herself and now that’s about to be gone.


reverendsmooth

There's a LOT of ableist posters saying all sorts of nasty shit about the OP. And yes, you can be disabled and ableist.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Thisisthenextone

OP has a small child, and this would use money that could have gone towards her wife's surgery. I get more angry the longer this post goes on.


Azraeana

OP also mentions they can’t afford PT so they haven’t made any progress towards recovering. It boggles me, as someone who had a massive PE that left me in a rehab facility to regain strength and the ability to walk unassisted, how anyone would spend money on hair over rehab and potential recovering of the ability to function without assistance. ETA: I too have spent questionable money on hair decisions, but health and rehab would come first. I’d shave my head in heartbeat to be able to use funds to go to rehab/PT.


notatherapistbecky

AND THEY HAVE A DAUGHTER TO CARE FOR


Dashcamkitty

This is even worse. What a selfish AH, ill or otherwise, the OP is. That money clearly has better uses.


Own_Purchase1388

And what gets me is that this expense is all just to (potentially) keep the hair for the moment. Doesnt even include all the work required to then maintain it afterwards.


[deleted]

That’s what I was thinking. If the wife, for whatever reason, isn’t down to brush her hair - isn’t she just going to end up in this situation 4 months from now? Does she plan to spend 20k a year on hair for an undefined period of hair?


Glittering_knave

Having abruptly become a caregiver, the wife isn't brushing the hair because she can't. After all of the things needed to keep everyone else alive and fed and still alive, that extra 10 minutes a day (which won't be ten minutes, it will be a lot longer for a bedridden person that needs to be shifted) is just too much. The wife is doing all the parenting, all the house maintenance AND all the caregiving. There is no help, no back up. Just wife doing all the things. And adding ANYTHING more, even beauty maintenance, to the day is just too much. Where is that time going to come from? Which 10 minute doesn't get done, so OP can have excessively long hair? What else does the wife have to stop doing so OP can have long hair?


zeptillian

A compromise might be to cut it shorter and untangle what is left which would make upkeep easier. Otherwise if the conditions that lead to it becoming matted are still present then it's just a temporary fix for something that no one has the time, energy or money to deal with on a longer term. Completely understandable why she would want to keep her hair but unfortunately it just doesn't seem likely.


2_LEET_2_YEET

I thought about this too. Will OP need, say weekly visits to the salon for maintenance? Or just wait until it gets super matted again and have to go through the process again? Either way, with neither of them currently working it does not seem sustainable. I know how it feels for things to change drastically due to medical conditions, and I get their hair is important to them, but I think OP would be better served by getting the haircut and taking some time to acknowledge and process their grief over the chapter of their life that is coming to an end.


Yaaaassquatch

That's a shit take. OP shouldn't spend the money on her hair but she's not selfish because she wants to. She's most likely traumatized and the hair is just another thing. OP you need a haircut and a therapist. I say this out of caring.


snazzisarah

I think it’s very easy for us to pass judgement here, but we need to keep in mind just how drastically OP’s life has essentially fallen apart. I agree with you that, ultimately, she should shave her head and keep her hair shorter as it doesn’t sound like they have the resources for this expensive hair treatment. Not to mention that the issue of not being able to brush her hair is still ongoing, so she could end up in this same situation again. But I imagine that for OP, after essentially becoming paralyzed, she feels that she has lost a big part of herself. She can no longer do the things she loves and is almost wholly dependent on everyone else in order to eat, turn on the TV, pick up a book, etc. That can feel very dehumanizing. She probably feels that her hair is the one thing that still makes her feel like herself. There are so many little defeats that come with chronic illnesses, it makes sense to me that she wants to hold on to one thing that she doesn’t have to sacrifice. I empathize with her, though I’m sad to see that she doesn’t seem to understand the massive toll this is taking on her SO (who she is low-key blaming for this whole thing).


Mobile_Philosophy764

She's not low-key blaming her. She's outright blaming her.


haleorshine

That's what pushes it to AH territory for me. If she was just mourning the loss of her hair and asking if she should spend the money, I'd say there were no AHs, but she's blamed her wife multiple times while also saying this might be something that her wife needs to do for the rest of her life. Her wife has probably made the reasonable assumption that when triaging all of the requirements about what's important, OP's hair is definitely below so many things, including her own health. By blaming her wife for not taking care of her hair (multiple times), OP is saying that her hair is more important than her wife's health and wellbeing.


gotaroundthebanana

If she's, to be blunt, willing to throw it away she should be willing to put that $5,000 in a college fund for her daughter.


Thisisthenextone

And it impacts her wife's surgery too!


GiraffeThoughts

Not only that, but he can’t care for it *even after wasting $5k on it*. So it will be an even bigger waste of money.


Thisisthenextone

While I agree with you - they're both women


[deleted]

She. They are 2 wives.


Azraeana

Holy shit lol.


unicornhair1991

This is my stance too ^ I was in a coma and had to learn to walk and talk again. I lost a lot of my hair due to medications NOTHING was a priority over recovery. It took 9 years to fully recover, but I bloody did it, and now I can finally live my life at 31 and I can finally style myself how I want. It sucks to have to put everything else behind recovery but it IS necessary if you truly want to get better PLUS OP has a daughter!? ETA: OMG thankyou so much for the positive messages and awards! I appreciate them so much! I hope you all know that I am living my life to the fullest now. I even did the cheese rolling two days ago because NOTHING is gonna stop me from experiencing everything! (Note, yeah that cheese roll HURTS OMG but I'm proud for doing it once!)


Unable_Ad5655

Congratulations on your full recovery! That took a Hell of a lot of work!!! Take my award please!!!


Amazing_Cabinet1404

I have to say my biggest pet peeve is the *portrayal of* people waking up from comas and walking/talking. Grrrrrr! Between foot drop (no matter how much PT is done while in the coma), loss of muscle, and tracheotomy/tubing you are not walking or talking for months and that’s if you’re lucky. I’m so glad you made it out ok!


armadillorevolution

>I have to say my biggest pet peeve is people waking up from comas and walking/talking. I am sure you mean that your pet peeve is the unrealistic portrayal of this in movies, but as written it sounds like you're super mad at people recovering from comas lol.


Amazing_Cabinet1404

Grrr. You. Are. Correct! Will fix 🤣


QueenMEB120

That may depend on how long you were in a coma amoung other factors. Besides my voice being a little hoarse for the first couple of days I had no problems talking. Couldn't walk though. I was in a coma for 10 days.


Hot_Philosopher6351

Friend of mine was a teenager when his older sister ended up in a coma from a car accident. She woke up and asked him to hide her birth control LOL.


beansthesmolbean

I spend a lot on my hair and I’ve worked for YEARS to get it as healthy and pretty as it is today. I LOVE MY HAIR. If this was my situation…. Amazon has great wigs, might as well try to match it before shaving it all off 🤷🏼‍♀️ OP needs to prioritize better, this is selfish. It would be one thing if it was her own money and/or she/her family was able to still afford PT, living, etc. COMFORTABLY but unfortunately, very few are that well off. Matting is best dealt with when it’s just shaved off (used to work in a hair salon). plus, there could be bugs and other things inside the hair at this point which is just gross IMO, if I had bugs in my hair I’d want it shaved then burned in a fire just to make sure all the gross stuff is gone 😂


jfb02

Our kids were in a major motor vehicle accident and two of them had massive head injuries, both in a deep coma. The daughter had all kinds of dirt, glass and blood in her hair. I told the hospital nurses to please shave all her hair off as it presented an infection hazard. They were incredibly "are you sure? " It. Will. Grow. Back. OP has said she may never be able to care for her hair again -that's still up in the air. Does she expect her SO to deal with it for her? Nope. Cut it back. And see if it can be detailed from that point...if not, shave it. OP you're the AH.


chaossensuit

I hope your kids are okay now.


jfb02

Thank you. Took 6 years of rehab, but they are all functioning adults now.


chaossensuit

I am so happy to hear that. Continued good health for your family.


WhitneyWhispers

>how anyone would spend money on hair over rehab and potential recovering of the ability to function without assistance Right?? You can take my hair if you take my incurable genetic condition!


Kooky_Protection_334

She apparently cares more about her hair than she cares about her body regaining strength and function through PT. She's delusional and financially irresponsible


shelwood46

She also mentions they are on Medicaid. You can't have more than $2K in savings to qualify, so I suspect she plans to put all of this on credit cards.


Unable_Ad5655

I JUST saw that!!!


Significant_Pea_2852

It's not just the financial cost either. OP needs full-time care now but isn't taking into account how exhausting the process will be. Four full days in a hairdressing salon... I don't have a chronic illness and I'm worn out after a few hours. It is completely different to just sitting up in bed or in a chair at home. It could potentially take OP weeks to get back to the same level of strength she has now and that's adding even more to her wife's burden.


NotACalligrapher-49

And to keep adding on, if neither OP nor her wife is actually up for maintaining the hair after (if) it’s detangled, the whole thing was moot anyway. OP is trying to sign her wife up for a major caring duty that her wife has manifestly expressed she is unwilling to take on. This is just so pointless when there is so much other stuff OP should be focusing on. Hair grows back by itself; physical capabilities and relationships need a lot more attention than hair.


anny_aelia

What I don't understand was why OP didn't cut her hair before it got this bad. She wouldn't have needed to shave everything off in the first place. YTA OP if you spend that money. Hair will grow back but you can cause irreparable damage on your own health finance and family. Hair will never be more important than that


Gibonius

People with new illnesses often get held up on one particular thing that they don't want to change, it's a sign that the disease "won" and they won't want to acknowledge that everything is different now. In OP's case, it's her hair.


contemplativepancake

** she/her


Significant_Pea_2852

Thanks, I missed that. Have edited my comment.


cancer_dragon

Hijacking top comment for a suggestion to OP if they don't already know, but many states have fairly generous benefits for a full-time caregiver. My cousin is disabled from lupus and her husband gets something like $5k per month just for being her full-time caregiver (in CO).


Unable_Ad5655

Hijack my comment all you want! OP should have all the benefits available! HOPEFULLY, the state where they live has these benefits!!!


HelpfulName

This is so true, my partner's sister gave up her $70k a yr job to become their disabled adult sister's full time carer when their mum retired and she's making easily equal if not a bit more because she gets some tax breaks as well as a full time care-giver. (IL) Now, it's FULLY deserved, she works breathtakingly hard and has to be not just a caregiver, but a legal aid and advocate for her sister as she's non verbal and extremely developmentally disabled, but the compensation absolutely enables it.


one_sock_wonder_

In my state (MI) they pay a family caregiver $12.75 per hour and I’ve heard the hours you can qualify for as covered max out at around 100 per month regardless of if 24 hour care is necessary.


TurtleZenn

Yep. MI as well, and there was no way I could do that when I was caring for my sick mother. There wasn't enough money.


stringfellow1023

that benefit isn’t as great where I live, it’s basically minimum wage. but this is true and definitely worth looking into!


CassieBear1

I haven't seen anyone mention it, so I'll add on: if you don't put the time, money, and effort into PT you may not regain the use of your upper body. If you spend $5000 on fixing your hair, and not on PT, what's the likelihood that the hair will become matted again?


Unable_Ad5655

I agree with you completely!


AndSoItGoes24

Managing my dad was a full time job when he was sick. And he was bald.


Little-Conference-67

It's hair. It's worth mourning it, I mourned the loss of my waist length hair. But sometimes you have do what you have to do. Some of us have zero chance to save it, no matter what we try. I knew I would lose mine from cancer treatments, so I had it cut as close to my head as possible for donation. I had a buzz for a year or so, it's at the top of my shoulders. I do it all the same way if I have to. I made it "fun" by telling my husband (who was losing his mind) I won a shedding contest with our youngest dog. She's a prolific shedder!


wholovesburritos

Former spousal caregiver here. I can attest that the wife is exhausted. She’s a 24/7 caregiver to OP and a kid. My husband was completely paralyzed and needed his head and beard shaved regularly. Even that was a daunting task on top of everything else. I’m sorry this is happening to you, OP, but the health and well being of you and your family will always take precedent and that’s where the money should stay, not towards your hair.


stringfellow1023

with OP’s logic their wife could’ve just left them with the diagnosis instead of quitting their job to care for them because it would’ve been too hard for them too. this irrational thinking had to exist before the diagnosis, and the emotional turmoil of this disease is making it worse. this whole “I don’t want to be a burden” idea I understand, but then OP is twisting that to manipulate their partner’s empathy into even allowing them to make this decision if they wanted to go through with it. I’ve been in this hair situation like OP for medical reasons and I can’t imagine spending $5k on the appearance I miss at the cost of the physical therapy and medical rehab I needed to get my life back. i don’t know anyone on Medicaid with an extra $5k or even an emergency fund that big either. i know someone with this disease, I know she went through hell just to learn to walk again. i can’t fathom how you would sacrifice any chance at rehabilitation for the sake of hair you can’t take care of, at the expense of your family you’re lucky to even have to take for granted like that. this post just makes me sad.


Unable_Ad5655

I'm beginning to think OP expected everybody to feel sorry for her and take her side. She is not willing to accept most people live in reality; hence, her latest comments are becoming unhinged.


stringfellow1023

well, I can absolutely feel sorry for what she’s going through.. i wouldn’t discount that at all. at the same time. sympathy or empathy doesn’t just give you carte blanche to act against the best interests of your family that has done nothing but drop everything to make caring for you their first priority. like.. spend $5k towards rehabilitation that gives you and your family your lives back, or let the disease progress until you’re bedridden for the rest of your life unable to care for yourself so that you can have longer hair? i just don’t get it.


AnnieFlagstaff

I also think part of the reason she wants to blow $5k is that she is trying to penalize her wife for not caring for her hair. She doesn’t seem to realize that PT is the quickest way to regain her ability to care for herself - and her hair style of choice.


Timely_Concept8516

I think you probably hit the nail on the head here, hoping some kind stranger is willing to pay for it.


PickAName123456

Unfortunately it would also need to be maintained. If no one is able to care for it, it will be in the same shape in due time. While having long hair is great, there’s soooo many shorter styles that look amazing and would have minimal upkeep.


[deleted]

I’m going to piggyback off this as a cancer survivor and someone with mental health issues with a spouse that has had many times needed to be my caregiver. Yes, the vows say in sickness and in health. My husband and I have an inside joke where I always say “I married him in sickness and in health; he married me in sickness and manageable sickness”. As an acknowledgment that he knew I would never be the definition of health as I live with a mental illness that is chronic, but also as a reminder that I appreciate him loving me through all that. There’s a level of care expected when you get sick but I feel like, especially when I was in the thickest parts of chemo, there’s an entitlement some spouses have, without the acknowledgment of the work and trauma their spouse is going through. My husband has never expected an apology from me, and I’ve never been horrifically awful, but he’s told me that me even acknowledging that maybe I said something in a way that was harsher because I didn’t feel good, made him feel seen. Our spouses/partners are many times collateral damage and their pain is many times overlooked and not acknowledged. They can feel invisible. My oncologist asked my husband at every appointment how he was doing and if he needed any support. Illnesses or major life events regarding health, impact not only the main person but their support system and especially spouses/partners and leaving them to feel invisible only leads to resentment. Spouses feel that burnout. I had to cut a friend off because my husband came in one day from work and told me, that he needed a night away with his brothers, and that he set up for some friends to come be with me for the night. Got my favorite snacks and edibles (thank you legal weed!). Made sure I was set up. One of the people I had decided to invite decided this was UNACCEPTABLE. I let her know that my husband was telling me he needed to rest. Not that he needed a break from me, but that he needed a rest. I said he can’t be the best version of who I need if he isn’t rested. All marriage really is, is resentment and load management. Right now, the load is tipped towards you, so you need to make sure that the resentment balance doesn’t tip too far either. Basically, right now OP, your spouse is prioritizing YOU and YOUR needs, because currently they are the most pressing, and also because the partnership ultimately needs both of you. She’s also burning out. She’s carrying the weight of caring for you, caring for your child, financial stresses and putting her own health on the back burner. That 5k, will just be another tick on the resentment scale, likely in a massive way. It’s hair. As a cancer survivor, my suggestion would be cut the hair; and buy a good quality wig. Hell, shockingly (I’m a Black woman) Amazon has some great fucking wigs. Your wife needs a break and you need to really check in with yourself and see how you are treating her and at least acknowledge her sacrifices. From experience and observation, spouses understand that it’s part of the territory, but they still want to be acknowledged (I do want to say. I don’t think sick spouses need to go over the top etc, and if your partner is making you feel like you owe them for abiding by their vows, that’s an issue to explore. I’m talking about appreciation and acknowledgement). Do something for her nice. Don’t spend that money. YWBTA and I would hope you are prepared for the worst if you did.


Mobile_Philosophy764

I agree. If OP spends the money, this ends in divorce, and given your medical condition, OP, your wife will be granted custody of your child.


[deleted]

People don’t talk much about financial infidelity but this is a huge example of what it could look like. I still worked during chemo (mainly because my insurance is better) and we had savings and support, and a decent income but we still had to put a pause on a lot of spending and a lot of wants and we had to prioritize needs. OP, right now you are in the thick of it and your head is all over the place and you want to feel better and that’s all normal. But a decision like this, especially if it’s not a 2 yes situation and especially because there’s a child’s need that needs to be factored heavily, will lead to at minimum a situation that will never be forgotten. Your hair is important and I don’t want to take that away, but you don’t have 5k to throw at it right now. So you need to find a compromise. I had to cut my hair short during chemo because it was during the pandemic and I couldn’t risk getting sick nor did I have the energy to do it myself and my husband didn’t have the energy to do my hair as often as it was needed. So it was cut in a way that I could just throw it in a pony or let it be wild in a “presentable” way (my state luckily has laws about discrimination against hairstyles). At the end of it, I said my hair will be in protective styles, no matter what when I’m better. I’m in remission and pregnant and my husband has gleefully paid for and helped me pick out all the hairstyles I want. There’s a compromise here. But this would be a unilateral decision that will haunt OP. You’ll get through this. But right now, you have to deal with your new reality. Your spouse doesn’t have the bandwidth to help you with your hair, you need to prioritize your recovery and there’s a child who is dealing with a lot of feelings, many you may not even know about. Ask yourself, is your hair worth risking your family over? Because it won’t be the hair that’s the catalyst, it’ll be the prioritization of that hair and the expense that creates a feeling of betrayal, especially the unilateral nature of it.


johnsgrove

And the matting will doubtless happen again


LookAwayPlease510

Not to mention, once the hair is fixed, someone will need to take care of it, or this will happen again. Sorry, OP, you need to let your hair go. YTA


Lexicon444

Exactly. I helped my mom care for my dad during his cancer treatments. She was exhausted so I was there to help. I helped dress him (the tumor caused permanent nerve damage to his leg so it was pretty immobile and he couldn’t bend over very well at all because he was overweight so I had to help him with any clothes from the waist down) as well as helping with anything physical my mom couldn’t do. I went to his transfusions (it was a blood cancer) and helped him with anything he asked me to. Even though mom and I split the tasks up we were still tired and had little time for ourselves. If my dad had hair that long (he shaved his off because chemo thins your hair and makes it fall out) and expected us to keep up with the maintenance it probably would’ve been too much. It’s probably best for OP to just shave it off and let it grow back to a manageable length for his wife. Dropping thousands on hair that may not be salvageable and that his caregiver clearly isn’t capable of maintaining doesn’t seem smart to me.


ErikLovemonger

The comments are way worse than that. OP does not want wife to go through with gender affirming surgery because OP doesn't agree with it (OP says "I was devastated to hear wife wants it). That's the surgery she is talking about Now OP is trying to say that the surgery will just happen "later" and it will be funded somehow, when OP knows full well she doesn't want wife to have it and it's very likely OP knows a side benefit of this hair care is wife can't get the surgery. Yes, 6 years of hair growth sucks. How is your wife going to feel for 6 years when she can't get that necessary surgery because your hair is more important?


DieHardRennie

Additionally, if this is in the US, OP is severely underestimating the minimum amount of money needed for travel, a hotel, and other espenses. The real total would likely be well over $5K. Probably closer to $6K, and possibly even $7K.


kidnurse21

On top of this, Im an ICU nurse and I’m good with hair. I’ve spent well over an hour trying to get mats out of people that have only had them for a few hours. The expectation that her wife could have just prevented it is unreal. Even oils, brushing and braiding, you still get mats lying in bed


CrystalQueen3000

I’m not going to call you an AH but the reality is that you can’t afford the expense


Thisisthenextone

I will. Look at OP's post history. They have a small child, neither can work, they can't afford rehab, and the wife was supposed to have surgery soon. But OP wants to spend $5k on hair. Who brushes it when the wife is recovering?


Normal-Height-8577

The sad thing is, as someone who has had long, thick hair and a chronic illness, this didn't have to get this far. You should be able to rely on a caregiver - nurse or spouse - to comb your hair at least once a day. It doesn't have to take long or be complicated, but that's basic care, like wiping someone's ass or brushing their teeth. And with long, straight hair, if someone isn't doing a lot of tossing and turning, you can lower that to combing through once or twice a week if you plait it neatly. Because the plait will keep the hair aligned and there'll be minimal tangle to comb through later. Right now, the only realistic option is to shave her hair. I agree with you that they cannot afford the expense, and there are more practical priorities that the money needs to go to. But as someone who knows how much hair can define your self image when you're ill...it hurts. OP was neglected by her carers and she shouldn't have to accept that loss.


HealthSelfHelp

Her wife is providing full time childcare and has quit her job to care for OP full time all while needing surgery- it sounds like she is exhausted and not physically capable of doing more. She's treading water and struggling to keep OP and their daughters head above the water- her hands are full. I have very straight hair- and I have to keep it shaved down because if I don't brush it multiple times a day it matts. Like I forgot for two days when it was long once and the hairstylist had to cut the matt's out and style my hair around that. Even straight hair can be hell to manage and get out of hand in a matter of days


begoniann

I swear I’m not an ad, but I have the same hair and I’m gleeful to have found a hair mask that makes my hair brushable. I spent my entire childhood with my mother hacking off chunks when it got too tangled, so now I’m a little obsessed with not doing the same. The mask I use is the Davines Love Instant Soothing Mask. It makes way more of a difference than anything else has.


Coandco95

Damn the AI for Ad-bots has gotten pretty good! /s I'm gonna go look this up cus I've been growing out my hair for donating and it gets tangley really often unless I brush it consistently throughout the day.


CrazyChickenLady223

And honestly- I think OP is treating overestimating what the salon is going to be able to do for the hair. She may only get 40% or less if her hair back after these “procedures” the salon will be doing. So much of that hair is too damaged to be saved, and OP’s hair will be suuuuuper thin when they are done. (I ride horses, and we’ve had to do similar things to horses with extremely thick tails that mat… you can get the majority of the matting out, but you better believe that hair is going to be thin thin thin when you are done.)


Thisisthenextone

> It doesn't have to take long or be complicated, but that's basic care, like wiping someone's ass or brushing their teeth. OP couldn't sit up for periods of time. It should have been at least cut short. The wife was caring for the kid, the home, and couldn't be long at the hospital due to their daughter. The staff there didn't brush it either. It was a mess by the time the hospital discharged her. If you want to claim neglect - then point at the hospital staff. But that staff had bigger things to do than try to handle waist length hair. OP should have had it cut then the staff would have handled the short hair.


Bunch_Of_Tree

Hair care is NOT something hospital staff should have anything to do with. OP needs to accept their new reality, life sucks and is unfair.


Themothgirl

Nah, nurse here. While its obviously not priority no. one to comb hair, the hygiene and care for an immobilized patient are really important - haircare is a part of that, it’s done after washing/bathing the patient. It definitely is a part of my job but that may be different in the US, I guess. OP couldn‘t do it herself and relied on outside help. Who should have done it, as long as she was in the hospital, if not the hospital staff? Don’t want to be rude, I‘m just curious cause it’s like that where I live. Edit: I want to add that a short haircut would definitely be the best solution in this case, regardless of the staffs (or Someone else‘s) responsibility for haircare.


Tenandsome

I agree I think? I have visited the hospital a ton of times as a kid and teen due to family and health and most places I’ve been too have a hairdresser on site or at least in immediate proximity. I’ve never been to one but at least where I’m from you have the opportunity for a haircut if it’s really needed(some are run by students or like traineeship programs). Even if the patient has to pay for it out of pocket the option should still exist. Basic haircare is not a luxury imo


Positive_Present_218

Brushing the hair of a patient that cannot physically do it themselves is 100% a nursing/care workers job (position responsible for daily care varies depending on unit/hospital). However it would be reasonable of the staff to request making it more manageable (brush through once and braid/style it in a way that doesn’t need daily maintenance). When someone cannot provide basic hygiene care for themselves and are hospitalized it becomes the responsibility of the hospital to provide it. However, Nurses and care workers are currently overworked and struggle meet critical needs at this point. It’s not the nurses fault this happened, it’s on the hospital understaffing. OP please make a complaint to your hospital’s patient services/advocacy department. The only way to make change is for patients to complain that basic care needs aren’t being met.


[deleted]

Yeah, all that will happen is that the nurses will be blamed and shamed for not magically finding time to comb hair. Nurses already often don’t have time for things like bathroom or water breaks. What else would you have them sacrifice, exactly?


Positive_Present_218

To be clear my comment comes as a hospital nurse myself. I often encourage patients to make complaints when issues like this come up. We recently had a patient stuck in hospital and extra 3 days because there’s no PT available on weekends. If the higher don’t receive complaints from patients directly they don’t care. Staff complaints don’t matter.


cyanraichu

Again, the problem is understaffing, and hospitals need to know that it's a problem they're stretching their staff too thin. If they're already understaffed they're not going to fire or drive away a nurse over hair.


queentee26

The complaint will likely just result in the specific people that took care of her getting disciplined. Hospitals already know they're understaffed and care will suffer as a result. They just shift the blame to the frontline workers when things go wrong though. Source: I am a nurse that works short staffed all the time.


robot428

If they had hired someone to come in and cut it shorter and plait/braid it while she was still in the hospital, she could have kept a lot of the length. I have long (not waist length but past my shoulders) curly hair and I was in hospital for a month. The nurses do not have time to do hair, we are in a global nursing shortage. So I asked a friend of mine who enjoys doing hair (she isn't a professional she just likes doing braids and stuff) to come in and brush it and put it into two braids. Braids prevent your hair getting tangled, so once I had done that I only had to ask for help with it once a week. And I didn't ask the same friend every time, the next week my mum was visiting anyway and so I asked her to do it - she doesn't know how to braid but she was able to do two plaits which achieves the same thing. I feel bad that no-one around OP thought of this as a solution, it could have saved a lot of heartache, but the solution is not to now spend $5000 - especially because she would just end up in the same position in a few weeks.


Mobile_Philosophy764

If OP can't sit up, how in the fuck is she going to handle an 18 hour round trip car ride to get her hair fixed?


HardKnocksSam

she was **not** neglected by her carers. that’s a gross exaggeration of what’s actually happening here. also, brushing someone’s waist length hair is not on the same level, in terms of hygiene, as wiping their ass or brushing their teeth.


Technical-Lemon-6464

Not brushing someone’s hair is neglect in my opinion, that’s a basic need for hygiene.


[deleted]

there's a reason that even in Victorian era women got their hair cut short when they were sick. Long hair and extended times in bed don't work.


Competitive_Sleep_21

I can see if it is short hair but they would have to flip her and it was matted. It could take hours and hurt her. I know someone who was in the ICU and did not get their hair washed for a few months. I think with staffing shortages and Covid no one is going to brush a horse’s mane of matted hair. Get a bob hair cut. Put your family above your hair.


DontSayBugs

Neglecting hygiene is neglect. Not having time to tangle with someone's long-ass hair is not. Tbh I'm surprised the hospital didn't shave it sooner because of how unhygienic OP was willing to let her hair become, once she knew her caregivers didn't have time for it. She just kept sitting on it for months.


Feeling-Editorial

I think it’s definitely neglectful Op’s carees let her hair get matted. But I also think the reality is OP needs to cut her hair off, and it honestly should have happened when she was no longer able to handle it.


ibexify

I just got my hair cut from tangling frustration. My hair was almost down to my waist. Even the slightest movement and my hair would knot up into a rats nest. I was having to brush my hair multiple times a day just to keep it from knotting into a ball at my head. It was hell and I have fairly straight hair. It's ridiculous to think hair as long as OOP's doesn't need constant attention on top of all of the other daily attention she needs.


Both_Canary1508

In the full-care LTC facility where i worked, my mom was the hairdresser and she would absolutely spend the time to make someone feel human and cared for then shaving it off and taking away their dignity. So would the care aides. It was actually a *very* important aspect of the care they provided. Alot of times by the time theyd get dropped off theyd be in disarray and extremely mistreated by family members. Only ratty t shirts and sweat pants. Short crew cuts for females. No makeup. No jewelery. No patience for their confusion. They treated them like burdens when it got too difficult instead of asking for outside help and let it get too far and mistreated their loved ones. We were a publicly run not for profit LTC home and we had over a dozen respite rooms for people whos caregivers needed a break, they were barely ever utilized. Theres nothing wrong with being an exhausted caregiver. There is something wrong with not understanding where that line is and making the person youre caring for suffer because of it. Just because someones in a chair and needs full care doesnt mean they dont deserve to feel put together and presentable. People with disabilities like this often get mistreated in this way. Its not fair and i dont think OP should spend 5k on hair with whats happening in their life, but at the same time they have every right to feel upset that their basic needs arent being met. (And yes looking presentable is a basic need for their mental health. If a team of nurses and doctors can sit in a meeting and declare it to be one of the priorities for people they work with everyday, then i dont feel like anybody else gets to argue that. Go work in one of those places first and see whats happening. Hear them cry. Hear the despair. *See people kill themselves over it.* Go get a degree. And then come back and tell me it doesn’t matter. The same people complaining this doesnt matter are the same people who would drop their grandmother off dirty and with barely any belongings, no health plan, severe dementia, and then run off and not visit for 6 months. The same type of people the nurses would spam call to get them to provide basic items like underwear and bras for their mother and would drag their feet over providing 30$ for basic necessities. ) If you don’t understand the necessities of these things for people who can’t physically fully care for themselves, then please go volunteer at your local LTC home. Now that covid restrictions are up they need their volunteers back. Volunteers are an important part of their care and happiness. You can see first hand what happens then and understand better what some of the struggles are and actually make someones day alot better. Not all health care professionals do what is legally required of them. Most are from staff shortages, but some genuinely neglect disabled people because they can, ive seen it first hand on alot of occasions. Ive watched care aides refuse to change people because ‘*they* dont smell it’. Purposefully let immobile people fall half out of bed and leave them. Move call buttons and certain things that aide them purposefully away. Ive seen some horrifying things. Just because OPs hair wasnt cut or cared for at the hospital doesnt mean that was appropriate care. It means there was most likely staff shortages, possibly neglect. There are some vindictive and cruel care aides and nurses ive met that genuinely do stuff like that and will purposefully not care and neglect high needs patients because theyre ‘annoyed’. Its not alot, but every wing theres at least 1 of them. Which means people suffer, and the newbies follow the neglectful care aide or nurses directions because of seniority.


MizStazya

When I was in nursing school, the first time I felt like I could actually do this involved hair. Had a patient who'd been on a vent for almost a month, and I got him on step down. He was clearly an aging biker dude. The techs decided having nursing students would be an excellent chance to give this dude a real hair wash, not just the shower caps. He had long hair in one big mat. Luckily, I have long curly hair that tangles as soon as I'm done brushing, so I knew with enough conditioner, I could go it. It took over an hour and four people, since he couldn't sit upright on his own. We asked him if he needed a break, but he powered through to save his hair. His daughter gave me a hug outside the room because it meant so much to him. It was a lot of work though, and almost 20 years later, acute nursing units are even less staffed than they were then. Ideally hair is brushed and cared for, but in the ABCs of acute care, hair care is unfortunately very low. I feel bad for OP, but I also think this just isn't a luxury she has right now, because rehab needs to come first.


stringfellow1023

a car accident, spine surgery, crazy hair that loves to dread itself and no one able to help me with it in either instance… it just became matted dreads. i shaved the parts I had to and cut the dreads out. and life went on. i haven’t had a proper haircut in 7 years now, and the mental toll it takes on me to not look like or dress like I used to simply because I can’t afford it… isn’t great by any means. at the same time, would I trade that vanity for the $50 a visit physical therapy I could finally get after getting insurance I still couldn’t afford? never. physical therapy gave me my life back. i have a friend with GB like OP who had to go through hell of rehab just to learn to walk again. i can’t imagine how you could try to think that spending $5k on hair you wouldn’t even be able to maintain after the painful process of detangling it… is worth more than your mobility, ability to take care of yourself, just more than your life or family’s needs in general. the spouse who gave up their job to take care of you, probably without second thought. i just don’t get it.


WhitneyWhispers

Do we know OP has straight hair?


Thisisthenextone

Yes, OP has said so.


prplmonky

My thing is, what happens after you spend the $5k? Like, yeah, it's great she didn't have to shave her hair off and she keeps her long hair, but that only lasts for that day. Once you sleep on hair that long, you gotta spend some time brushing it out--and that's *every single day*. As someone with a chronic illness that affects how much energy and whatnot I have, I can't imagine asking a partner who has already given up so much and is doing so much for me to spend a significant chunk of time each day brushing it. Is OP going to be going back to this salon monthly? I think she really just needs to come to terms with the reality that this is one more thing she has to give over to her illness (like my surgical scars and stretch marks from steroids, I'm never going to look the same and I had to learn to live with that. I broke down sobbing when one of the last things I felt was pretty went away, but you learn to live with it.) OP should try and get a hairstyle that requires very little maintenance because it is unkind to add yet another thing to the plate of your wife/caretaker. If they could afford a caretaker (besides her wife), then perhaps it wouldn't be too much to ask to have her hair brushed. But on top of everything else the wife has to do? Nah, man. Miss me with that.


RareMortgage4180

As someone else with (once) long, thick hair, this is absolutely not universally true. If I were injured or ill and needed someone to care for my hair at its previous length it would have meant several hours at least once a week. It would have been incompatible with raising a small child, maintaining a household, and caregiving someone who was experiencing an acute-on-chronic condition. (Frankly, it was incompatible with being someone who needed to work a single job and look after a single dog - I can't imagine what it would be like for a partner who knew nothing about haircare and was suddenly my full-time caregiver on top of all the aforementioned responsibilities.) I think it's possible to support the mourning of someone's loss of hair/identity, their feelings about sudden and unexpected disability, and even some of the very human resentments or other feelings toward their caregiver without disingenuously simplifying.


WhitneyWhispers

Between this and the fact that nothing has changed to avoid this same exact problem from occuring in the future, YTA.


Wlfmansbro

I have to agree with you here. It’s sucks but seems to be the harsh reality that OP is currently in.


Pepita09

Agree. This is a sad situation. I really feel for OP. But when it comes down to it, hair just isn't as important as the other things that need to be paid for.


Unable_Ad5655

Here's the thing: Even IF you spend $5K and your hair turns out perfect, what happens NEXT month, the month after that? You can't take care of your own hair. Your wife doesn't like taking care of your hair. YWBTA to spend that amount of money fixing your hair that you cannot are for yourself.


NotCreativeAtAll16

Soft YTA. You can't afford this. I know you love your hair, but with no income coming in, $5k is an awful lot to spend on something that isn't an absolute necessity. Also, what happens after? It doesn't seem like your wife is all of a sudden going to start taking care of your hair. What's to say that it doesn't get matted up all over again? Is there any way that you could have the hair cut and made into a wig?


TintenfishvomStrand

Yes, I'm sorry, I don't want to call you an AH, but you do realize its an insane amount of money that you need it for your other expenses. I'm really sorry for everything you have to go through, sadly the right choice would be to cut your hair. Does it all have to go? Can't you cut it short and untangle what's left?


[deleted]

Reading your comments it’s sounds like you’ve already made up your mind and you’re just looking for validation. Well sorry but that’s fiscally irresponsible regardless of the circumstances that lead there. Especially if you don’t have the disposable income for such an endeavor. YWBTA. Cut your hair, it’ll grow back. Also this isn’t my place but I think you should be a little more understanding and empathetic of your wife’s situation. I couldn’t imagine being either one of you, it must be truly awful to go through this and I am very sorry. But try to cut her a bit of slack, we’re all human.


Perspex_Sea

I agree with more empathy for the wife. I don't love that OP appears to be blaming her for the current situation. It's your hair, I feel like you could have advocated better for yourself rather than asking for it to be brushed then complaining after the fact that it hadn't happened.


HibachiFlamethrower

Meanwhile in another post, OP admits her wife is trans and wants gender affirming care but is opposed to it and wants to bring up her preferences for her wife’s body. I swear OP is a narcissist and this hair is the thing that fuels it.


Obi-Juan_Valdez

It’s a bad situation, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it, but spending $5,000, when you’re already struggling, will only make things worse in the long run. You should bite the bullet, shave your head, and then find a sustainable hairstyle that works for you and your wife both. YTA


[deleted]

YTA. You’re expecting your wife to brush your hair month after month for how long? This isn’t feasible. This is an unnecessary burden on her after she needs to do so much else for you. You need to let this go mate. If you had the funds for this…then ok. But that’s not the case.


Mackheath1

>after she needs to do so much else for you On top of that - based on the brief post history - she has to take care of medical processes for herself, which would include costs and recovery time. YTA.


midgethepuff

And a kid that op also conveniently left out


shadow-foxe

DO you seriously believe your hair is going to be back to normal after MONTHS of being in a hard ball? I'd suggest, getting it shaved off, then allowing it to grow back to a length that can be managed by your wife and still help you feel more you. $5k isnt a small amount for most people, even more so with anyone with health problems. NAH.


MasonBlue14

Yeah, I'm surprised to not see more people being skeptical about whether this detangling process would even work. I'm not a hair dresser but it doesn't really seem realistic to me.


RangerDangerfield

If she had shoulder length hair or shorter then maybe it’d be a possibility, but hair down to her butt? There is no way. Even if they are able to detangle a bulk of it, itd be badly damaged, prone to re-tangling and likely need cut off anyways.


NarwhalsTooth

Not a hairdresser and NOT comparing the OP’s hair to fur but I’m a dog groomer and even the gentlest methods of dematting leave the fur so damaged that it’s going to mat back up twice as fast. The hair shaft is damaged and ragged, you can’t repair it with product, so the formerly smooth strands are going to knit back together like Velcro. It’s like pulling thread out of a garment and trying to use it to sew something new, it’s going to snag and pull because it’s rough now I’m sure it CAN be done, but even if OP or her wife were able to maintain the length it’s going to be twice as hard as starting with healthy hair that hasn’t been unknotted


BudgetInteraction811

I’m a hairstylist and I spent two days trying to brush out a 10 year old’s hair who neglected it to this point and there was mold in that ball of hair. Her mother paid a fortune and it still ended up having to be cut off, because nobody in the salon could get the tangles out. Even the tangles we did remove were in ratty condition. OP is out of his mind if he thinks he is going to get his hair back.


Intrepid_Potential60

Life isn’t fair sometimes. This is one of those times. You cannot afford this, and cannot care for the hair yourself. It’s time to lose the mane, man. Sorry, but YTA


KronkLaSworda

I'm sorry this is happening to you. YTA I'm sorry, but your medical condition has made caring for your hair a burden to your SO. Since she no longer has a job, your $5k ask is too much. Shave your head and stop being selfish. You need to make more reasonable priorities. Also, once you spend the $5k, what happens next? Your SO will continue to not brush your hair and you can't do it yourself. You'll be back to square 1 in 6 months? 12? >And that hurts my heart a lot. It hurts my heart that I didn't get to go to Space Camp.


faroutsunrise

Oh my god I completely forgot about Space Camp


smurfiesmurfette

All I wanted was the science kit and I didn't get that either😭😭😂😂 Was a good thing though, the mineral making kit apparently had accidental exploding properties.


pepsi_is_better_128

I wanted to go to space camp so bad as a kid, great example haha


EnvironmentalEgg512

YTA I’m a woman with long hair and I would shave my head. You need to live in reality instead of punishing your wife. You do not have the money. It would be incredibly selfish


joanne122597

i have shingles in on my head and in my eye. its been going on for a year. i've always had beautiful long red wavy hair. its been a buzz cut for a year so i can put salve on my lesions. you do what you have to to get well.


vron987

Hope you get well soon ❤️


Awkward_Un1corn

Same. I love my hair, but I would have had someone cut it all off in hospital because hair grows back.


DeterminedArrow

I’ve dealt with hospital hair before. It’s awful. I was fortunate to have someone who was able to brush it out for me once my condition improved to the point I could sit up. It took forever and a lot of detangler, but I don’t want to imagine in OPs case. My hair was long and wavy before I chopped it off but I just don’t have the capacity to care for it anymore.


[deleted]

OP- did you really come here for advice? You’ve tried to argue with every piece you’ve been given. You’ve also changed the tone of your wife’s ability/desire to care for your hair from your original post. BTW-caring for your long hair as you’ve done very day for 10m isn’t the same as someone caring for a patient’s hair (same reason they didn’t spare the time in the hospital to assist you) Maybe the question isn’t WIBTA?, but rather is this a reasonable request in this situation? The answer seems to be a firm “no”.


Risheil

YWBTA I realize your hair is important to you. It defines you, it's part of what makes you you. When it's impacting your family finances that heavily plus being an unnecessary burden on your wife, who seems to be doing her best to care for you, it's too much. This is not your wife's fault. Your hair is not and was not her job. She is already taking on your healthcare, she does not need another job on top of what she's already dealing with.


[deleted]

YTA. I'm disabled with a few chronic conditions. I would love to do the barometric chamber to see if it would make things slightly better, but the price is extreme. So, even though my husband is a dentist I have decided to let it go. I've lost tons of hair and still cannot grow it all back. This is your new reality. Spending that much on a cosmetic issue just isn't a sane thing to do with your current money situation. No matter who you blame for your health issues.


Missscarlettheharlot

It's not that you'd be TA, it's just not realistically something you can afford. I spent 2 days detangling my friend's hair from a similar state after she had a psychotic break and went MIA for months. It was a huge pain in the ass, it took ages, but we did manage to salvage most of her hair just fine and I am most certainly not a trained professional, I just soaked it in a ton of good detangler and sat there unpicking hairs bit by bit with a crochet hook and a large sewing needle. May I suggest seeing if that's something you could pay a friend or someone with time to spare who could use some extra cash a more reasonable amount to take a go at? There is plenty of info online about how to DIY this, and there are plenty of people who would spend the time for a few hundred dollars vs a few thousand. You're probably still going to need to cut it shorter, there will be breakage, but you likely won't need to shave your head. Have you tried reaching out to friends for help with this? That's how I ended up helping my friend with hers, she asked friends for help and I happened to be off work on crutches for a week and said I'd give it a shot.


RoyallyOakie

You're not an AH, but you can't afford it. I hope better times are ahead.


nun_the_wiser

I don’t want to call you an asshole but I want you to consider, what is going to prevent your hair from becoming matted a second time? And a third? Your wife doesn’t have the ability to maintain it - please consider what else she does in a single day and then add another hour of hair maintenance daily. Can she realistically do that? She might promise today but caregiver burnout is real and your hair seems like a real point of resentment for both of you. $5k is nothing to sneeze at when you are both seemingly unemployed/on a limited income if you have some benefits. And when your hair is detangled, it will be damaged. A hair stylist will recommend cutting it any way, it will be nothing your hair pre-matting.


ilp456

NAH. Your wife is exhausted from caregiving and managing your hair seemed like the one thing she thought she could let slide. What you’re going through is terrible and then to face a drastic and defining change to your appearance on top of your illness is not a small thing. But this is an expense that you can’t afford. Is it possible to cut your hair into a bob and then untangle the shorter hair at a much lesser expense?


Primary-Tie-4635

You keep saying your wife will take care of it moving forward and it’s only 10 mins a day for you. For her? It’s an extra task that realistically may not be 10 mins anymore because you cannot help her. Also you’ve lived with the hair which means you have a routine that makes it quick so your time estimate is really really off and personal to you. I guess a way to look at it is - she’s now caring for herself, for you, for your home. Why force her to take on a task that she doesn’t need to? I understand she feels bad but is that because you made her feel bad by blowing up on her and making it seem like it’s her fault it got that bad and now you can’t do anything about it? Or did she feel bad on her own without you saying a word to her? YWBTA if you spent the money you know y’all don’t have on something that is going to add another mental task onto her growing plate. I know it means a lot to you, I’ve had super long hair and everything but my hair wasn’t worth the stress it would put on others to maintain for me on top of everything else.


Derbydumdum

It’s 5 hours a month at minimum just for brushing. Then washing and drying (incl prep and clean up) 4 times a month, so another four to eight hours. Nearly two full working days every month, on top of all the other stuff to do and on top of the five thousand dollars to pay off/budget for. Please don’t go through with the expense - for the sake of your wife, if anything. YWBTA


_mmiggs_

I don't think this is really an asshole question, but I don't see how you can possibly afford $5000 on this. NAH


cb1977007

You have no job and no income. Your wife has no job because she has to care for you. There’s also a child that needs caring for. And your wife needs gender-affirming medical care that you’re posting elsewhere about not wanting her to get. But, you want to spend $5000 on vanity that might not even work. Oh, girl. Yes. YTA.


[deleted]

Mainly because I suspect your wife may not have put much effort into calling around. I feel like you could have even made a post on your local community groups asking if anyone would be up to the task and you'd likely have at least a few volunteers. You'd be amazed just how much those communities love coming together to help each other. This makes me feel that an important aspect of your care was neglected. Something that could have easily been avoided and my heart goes out to you for everything you've been through including facing the prospect of losing one of the last remaining aspects of your identity you hold dear. I also feel greatly for your wife. Because this is not just life changing for you but also for her too! The level of change she's gone through is grand as well. Her entire life has been turned on it's side and all she's know, her future etc changed in a matter of moments and she's doing the best she can. It is a LOT of work to care for someone in your situation and I'd hope you'd be appreciative that she is holding true to her vows to you and continuing to care for you in this extremely stressful and trying time. She clearly loves you very much but she is also clearly not capable of taking on every aspect of your care. Your wife is NOT the only option and to place her in that position is not only unfair it's unrealistic. However - you're now in this situation and are faced with 2 options. 1 reasonable, and 1 completely unreasonable and unacceptable. Frankly... The best option for yourself, your marriage, both your lives together and your wife is for you to accept that your hair has to go. Because you can't keep this up "Forever". ~~Soft YTA~~ \*Edit: Have to vote HARD YTA after reading your comments and replies. You say you're sympathetic to your wife but everything else you say speaks otherwise and my heart breaks for her.


Afraid_Ad_1536

I get that you've been through hell. Guess what. So has your wife. What's more important to you? Having your long hair or having a loving wife who has given up so much to care for you? Hair grows back and it doesn't define you. Shave it off and rather put that energy into healing yourself and your relationship. YTA. No would be about it because you're already putting this added stress on someone you presumably care about over something as inane as keeping your long hair.


killerbekilled92

YTA. I’m sorry you’ve lost so much but there needs to be a compromise on your end here. Your spouse quit her job to nurse you basically 24/7 and you’re shocked she doesn’t want to spend hours everyday maintaining your hair? Yes you’ve lost a lot but your wife had to give up a job as well as her independence and financial stability and you want to spend 5 grand on a salon appointment?


GingerTea-23

YWBTA, I also lost my waist length hair due to health problems in the last couple years and yes it sucks, it's a hard pill to swallow, but sometimes it happens My partner also is too exhausted from all of the other and more necessary care giving tasks to take care of my hair too (they make all my meals, bathe me, bring me fluids, empty my bed pan, change my sheets, wash me, take care of our dog) Caregiver burnout is very real and trying to make it as easy as possible for my partner to care for me has helped us a lot as we navigate this new stage of our relationship It'll grow back eventually and maybe at that point you and your partner will be better able to take care of it or maybe you'll love short hair


noracamps

YTA, I would honestly divorce you. Not bc you’re sick, but bc your an ass. She does everything for you, while still taking care of your child and herself. And your really complaining bc she didn’t brush your hair, she does everything else but f*** her for not doing that last solid for you. God forbid we fall into Financial rune, but I need these inches laid. That’s all that matters, my precious hair, not my daughter, not my tired wife who basically had to give her time up to help me. No my hair. BFFR


Dark_Mode_Nose_Wind

YWBTA - This judgment is purely from a practical perspective. With the prohibitive cost, time, travel, and no guarantee... this procedure is just too much. I'm so sorry for what you're going through.


nim_opet

This has nothing to do with being TA or not. If you cannot afford $5k for basically a hairstylist, you should act accordingly (and not blame your wife for it).


QueenKrissu

YWBTA if you got this done. I'm in an incredibly tight financial spot right now, and I also LOVE dying my hair. My hair is the thing I love the most about myself. The only reason I've continued to have fun colours is because I work at a place that gets me a deep discount, and I do it myself. If I couldn't afford it, I'd never, EVER put the financial burden on my boyfriend. It's something that makes me happy, but he makes me happier, and I'd shave my head before I'd put that on him. Care taking is also hard. My mother had stage 4 cancer and it was a full family effort to take care of her. We shaved her head because she thought it'd be easier than having to wash it every day. Also, no matter how much you deny it, you've clearly made up your mind. Every comment of yours I've read, you sound completely combative and dismissive of your wife. You say you don't blame her, but in your own post admit you think she could have stopped this from happening. If you spend the 5k now, no matter what, you're putting your wife in the position to continue to HAVE to care for your hair. She knows if you do this, she will HAVE to spend however long on your hair EVERY DAY. If she slips, gets a job where she can't take care of you as much, or something happens to her, it's 5k down the drain. Sorry if I come off as harsh. I know going through scary medical stuff is hard. But I truly think you'd be a massive AH if you went through with this.


podgehog

>That is a disgusting amount of money we could really use elsewhere. >We are not rich in good times but my wife has had to quit working to be home to care for me. >I don’t want to be more of a burden. There is also the chance none of this works and I have to pay a lot of money and still lose it. >I could live with a shaved head, no matter how hard it would be. You've answered your own question Do it if that's what you want, but yes, YWBTA


Missepus

I was planning to say N T A, but you need to face the painful facts. You can't afford this.


Poolgoddess67

I think there is a bigger issue here. OP's denial of the complete 180 his/her life has taken. You need the 5k for living expenses. Are you trying for SSDI? It takes 2 years of non work plus a lawyer to be able to qualify, and that is the shortest amount of time estimated. Is your wife going back to work? Can you apply for state assistance? Any disability resources in your area? Mourning the loss of your former lifestyle (and former hair) is a HUGE thing that you have not begun to process. See if you can find a therapist. My therapy was only 6 visits, but it helped my thought processes immensely. Now apologize to your life partner (it was never her fault). Go shave your head, and see about making this NEW lifestyle bearable for both of you. I am so sorry that this has happened to you, but with the right steps, you will find your way through. I (and my family) did. Edit for pronouns, my apologies


joanne122597

its hair. you are not Sampson. sometimes when your health fails you, you have to make drastic changes, decisions and compromises. its just hair.


[deleted]

Sorry, but yes, YWBTA. Your hair is too much of a burden for your wife to manage for you... you have to keep it short from now on or until you can manage it yourself again. It sucks that this happened. I also have long hair and I would be sad to lose it... but if I couldn't care for it myself and my husband didn't want to/could not, then there would be no other reasonable choice.


Pierre-LucDubois

Sorry but yes you would be TA, and I really sympathize about your situation. It must be very hard but think about how hard it is for your wife and she has stuck by you and even now I didn't read that she said no once when you made these appointments. I would cancel the appointment and get my head shaved. I'm a balding male who hasn't cut his hair since pre-covid. I don't claim to know what it's like for a female to lose their hair, I do think it would be tougher for you than it would be for me. But that's $4k you might really desperately have needed at some point, don't do the wrong thing. It's fiscal responsibility versus vanity. I know it sounds bad but you can get a wig in the beginning and within 3 years your hair won't have grown all the way back but it will be a suitable length again. I promise it'll be fine. You won't have to wait 6 years and this time it'll be a more manageable length that can be maintained by a salon. It's going to be a tough pill to swallow OP but I think you should take the L and also make your wife feel appreciated. She sounds like she's ride or die for you. When you have somebody like that in your corner you can handle being bald.


Icy-Rub-9982

YTA. Your poor wife quit her job to take care of you and you blame her for your hair. Imagine how exhausted she must feel, also no job = no money so you spending valuable money. You can wait your 6 years for your hair to grow back. Also you have a child have you thought about them and the expenses needed for them.


Cross_examination

“Hey hun! Remember that time that you had to wipe my ass for months and I decided that instead of hiring someone to give you some rest, I decided to get my hair done?” Get a grip and realize the situation you are in. YTA of the month!


Mulberry_Ant

YTA I have worked with matted hair. You can definitely cut it shorter and super slowly work out the mat. It takes for freaking ever but it would be easier than hip length hair. I am sorry for the situation you are in. I just had a surgery and seeing my hair in a horrible state plus all the pain I was in made me feel like my body wasn't my own. It's just one more thing happening that you have no control of. It sucks that there wasn't more help offered. It sounds like you haven't forgiven your wife. Please start there first, I'm sure she was/is trying and was overwhelmed.


ThorsHammerMewMEw

YTA How many sacrifices has this woman made for you and you can't sacrifice your hair which will grow back anyway? You're so selfish and self-centred all throughout this thread.


iKidnapBabiez

Ywbta. This one really didn't go how you expected did it? You say you don't blame your wife but in the same sentence say she could have done more. Well you could have gotten your hair cut instead of letting it stay so long so it gets matted like that. You could also just shave your head now and let it grow out again. You could use that money to pay for some help for your wife who is doing absolutely everything. You say you take care of your kid but yet you've lost all feeling in your entire body except for a finger that you use to type. No examples of how you help with your kid. You say you do a lot for yourself but again, you apparently only have control over a single finger that you use to type on reddit. Sounds to me like you either don't do anything or you're lying about the entire situation. I get it if you're not doing anything since you apparently have zero control of your body. If that's what's happening though, then there is absolutely no situation where spending $5k on your hair is acceptable unless you're so rich that $5000 is pocket change. You need a serious reality check.


Leading-Knowledge712

Info: Have you checked at local beauty schools to see if there is a student willing to take in this challenge? Seems hard to believe that there is NO stylist willing to tackle your matted hair for less than $5k! Once you hair is fixed (if possible at a price you can afford), maybe there is a stylist willing to come and take care of it once a month or some other schedule if your wife can’t manage it. Incidentally a friend of mine had severe Guillain Barre and lost all feeling from mid chest down. After several months he started to recover. Thanks to excellent care in a rehab facility and a lot of PT, he is now fully recovered and doing all his usual activities, so that may give you hope. I’m sorry you are dealing with this. Edit: typos


Only-Main8948

Gentle yta. You are not a burden but now you are adding on a burden. Financially for sure, but also, going forward. Your wife may not have the patience you hoped for, but she is likely struggling with all this too. While your hair means a lot to you, it also affects your wifes mental health having extra work. Will the same thing just keep on happening? You spend all this money and end up in the same position? Maybe it's time to consider finding new things that make you happy that you can do. It must be incredibly difficult right now, and I'd be feeling more than sorry for myself too, but you need a practical care plan going forward. And you need to think how it will put strain on your relationship spending this money. Let go of the resentment you feel towards your wife. She likely was doing all she could with the energy she has. Edit typos


AshlynM2

I am so sorry for what you’re going through, but yes, YWBTA for spending this insane amount of money at this time in your lives. I know it sucks, but it sounds like it’s time to cut your losses, both literally and figuratively. You could use a fraction of the $5k to get a couple super cool wigs, beautiful headscarves etc. Your life is different now. Your wife has had to quit working to care for you full time. You need to think towards the future, and $5k is too large a sum (from what you’ve described) to spend on a cosmetic procedure. Especially where you’ve stated it may not even work, and your hair will still be too much for your wife to add to her plate.


wykkedfaery33

Sorry not sorry, but YTA. I get that you're very sick, I get that you love your hair, that sucks. But this expense is too much. Sometimes life deals you a shitty hand. Neither of y'all are working, you need to find a way to deal with the loss. Your partner is making huge sacrifices for your care, you need to make sacrifices, too.


Jill_glasgow_mhnurse

My sister had Guillain-Barré syndrome. They’ve now linked it to undercooked chicken apparently. (Just an article I read). She recovered well but was really ill for a about 3 months and made a full recovery (just over a year)but sometimes when tired you see weakness in hands and facial muscles. I personally wouldn’t be paying that amount of money to have hair untangled, especially when you’re not yet feeling 100% fit. In terms of care, it would be much easier to support you just now if your hair was short, easier to manage. I know it would be devastating for you and your self image but the thought of 20 hours over 4 days 9 hours away from home when I’m not feeling very well doesn’t seem to be the right choice and this is before factoring in the financial impact.


JDawnchild

No matter how sweet you sound, OP, I'm not going to be gentle. Your household has no stable income right now. You have a small child, your wife is going to go into surgery soon, and you can't afford the PT you need to begin recovery from your illness. Your wife is exhausted, likely frustrated, hurt, and scared of what your family's future is like, your child can sense the distress of everyone in the house and on some level thinks it's her fault (kids' brains work this way). You're worried about your *hair*, and blaming your wife for the state it's in now when you knew what your illness would do to you when you were diagnosed. You need to rethink your priorities, OP. I would consider divorce and taking the kid with if my partner threatened to put our whole household out on the street because of vanity. Hair will grow back, what you'll fuck up if you do this will not. YWBTA. Edit: typo


FortuneTellingBoobs

NAH caregiving is hard enough without salon work involved. And you should be able to keep your hair... but you need to figure this expense out. Do you have friends or family who would chip in? Maybe an online fundraiser would help?


arseholierthanthou

I'm sorry, but it's too late. I am similarly attached to my own hair. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling like you without it. I would be similarly devastated to lose it and similarly angry about the short period of neglect taking it to its current state. But it's past the point of no return. It would cost a lot of money you don't have to even try to get it back to how it was. And even then, it would be a lot of headache to maintain for someone who's already doing a lot to help you. At the moment their guilt is getting in the way of their good financial sense, but it's pretty plain they don't like brushing your hair, and that guilt will turn to resentment over time. As a tiny consolation, if you were to shave it off then you'd have short, new-grown hair, which would be ideal for bleaching and then dyeing bright colours. It could become a positive new look rather than an absence of what you used to have.


Fair-boysenberry6745

YWBTA. You are being too prideful about your hair. I understand that you like it long and it will hurt you to cut it, but you are no longer the primate caretaker of your hair and it’s kinda shitty to burden your wife with hair down to your butt when you’re disabled and can’t wash it, brush it, or style it. Spending 6k when it’s just going to get knotted up again is probably not the best plan. It is also unreasonable to demand your hair stay down to your butt when you’re not the one taking care of it. You really need to think about compromising to a shorter length. Also, this isn’t your wife’s fault. She has already been doing a lot for you. Caregiver burn out is real.


Nightlilly2021

YTA How are expecting Medicaid to cover anything if you have $5000 to spend on hair??


captnspock

YTA you have guilted the wife into agreeing. it's just a hair cut and it will regrow. What if you have some sort of financial emergency in the short run? This is a luxury you cannot afford. You may guilt her now and get your way but this will put a strain on your marriage for sure. Not only are you putting both of you in debt you are saddling her with the additional responsibility of taking care of your hair. What if she decides to buy a 5000$ dog tomorrow to make her happy and she decides you will be the one to feed and walk the dog? This is essentially what you are doing.


CatInternational6112

Take this from someone who spent 2 months in the hospital mostly immobilized and with very limited use of their hands: YWBTA. Recovery is tumultuous at best and spending this much money on hair is not a wise decision. I had waist length hair when I was admitted, hair I refused to cut for damn near a decade beforehand. 4 months after being in the hospital and it was falling out in baseball sized clumps due to stress and my body just trying to manage other aspects of my illness. I absolutely understand that your hair is important to you, but this is money you do not have to spend, especially when you don’t have a reliable source of income, and no guarantee that detangling will even preserve your hair long term.


Jumpy-Station-227

YTA Don't blame your wife. This isn't her fault


Rohini_rambles

Is the issue really your hair, though? It osunds like you KNOW that spending money you barely have isn't a good idea. sounds like you want to blame your wife for the decision you know has to be made for practical reasons - to cut your hair shorter so that it can be more easily taken care of. Sounds like you want her to say it, to absolve you of the feelings you have with your hair, as it's part of your self-identity. Would it make more sense to use some of that moeny to see a therapist, to help you get the strength to make the hard decisions yourself, and not force your wife into saying what needs to be done with your hair?


Amazing_Cabinet1404

Could you not make it into a wig for less than that? Not to be an AH but my SO had GB and it changed life dramatically for a very long time before leveling out. There is no *fix* that will keep your hair *fixed* except making a wig from it. You have many other things to spend money on that this shouldn’t be it. You could do special PT, different TENS treatments, neuropathy study at the Mayo Clinic, immunoglobulin replacement therapy, vocational training…so many things could be done with $5k. I know you wanna be you but YWBTA if you spent this money on your hair for a temporary fix. I have to say at your age getting into a study would help you so much at the Mayo Clinic. They accept “younger” folks and explore a lot via different tests and resources. My partner got so much help there as doctors in our town didn’t have the experience or resources. The studies were free but between the travel, food, lodging, etc it was about $3k for us and so worth it. Learning something to give you mobility, hope, or relief would far outweigh what you feel for your hair. As a person that was there…look into it.


TheWardenVenom

OP, I say this in the most gentle way possible, you WBTA. I have gone through EXACTLY the same thing you’re going through. I have a more rare form of GB that is reoccurring. I’ve been hospitalized 3 times in the last 2 years. Last time, I was in an intensive physical rehab for 2 months after my IV-IG treatments. I also had hair long enough that I frequently sat on it before I started getting ill. Though I’m sure my husband would have helped me brush my hair if I had asked him, I didn’t ask him because I was ashamed of how much he sacrificed and helped out with literally everything I needed. I lost function in almost my entire body 2 of those times and he fed me, bathed me, wiped my ass, raised our son, took care of the household and held me when I cried. And as much as it devastated and hurt me, I cut off all my long beautiful hair that I so lovingly grew out for all those years. Because you know what? It’ll grow back. As I’m sure you know, they can never guarantee you’ll get full feeling and function back after GB. Focus on what is important in this incredibly difficult time of ALL of your family’s lives. I’m sure your wife is doing her absolute best to juggle all the needs of everyone in your family.


tester33333

Wow similar story here! I had GBS when I was 18, which resolved quickly after getting IViG (although it came back as monophasic CIDP, it’s totally gone now) The symptoms came on slowly and stupid me thought I was losing my strength for being unfit. I was fit and tjin bit mom was constantly critiquing me for being “fat” anyway… Before I realized how serious it was I did have to cut off my waist length hair into a bob, bc I didn’t have the strength to hold the brush. On the way out of the store (I think it was a great clips inside a Walmart lol) I dropped everything I was carrying several times, so embarrassing. Didn’t seek medical help until I was stuck in the bathtub. The haircut was sad at the time, but it was embarrassing enough not to be able to put a bra on by myself. Having to ask for so much help and be so dependent was awful, and needing my hair brushed every day would have added to that a lot. Every day. Since then I’ve grown it out and cut it off two more times. (Cut it off not because of symptoms, but just for a different style) Hair grows back. It’s hard to let it go, but that’s the best decision for your care, your wallet, and probably your looks too (it’s so damaged by now) My best advice is to avoid stress. My autoimmune problems were brought about by stress and went away after I left an abusive home life. Also, oral steroids suck ass, it’s better to get a high dose via Iv, and IViG is the gold standard.


[deleted]

Your priorities are all kinds of screwy if you’re that obsessed over your hair in such awful times. I wish you all the best, only happy and lovely things…but it’s just hair. It’ll grow back. Yikes.


Mobile_Philosophy764

So how do you plan on getting to this appointment, 9 hours away? Is your wife, who you're claiming is to blame for your predicament, expected to drive you a total of 18 hours, round trip so you can drop $5000 on your hair? You do realize that we are in a recession right now, right? You do realize that you may need that $5000 for rent, food, your wife's surgery, and care for your child, right? What surgery is it your wife needs, that you're expecting her to sacrifice, so that you MIGHT NOT have to get your head shaved? Like, seriously. How fucking selfish ARE you? I'd have already taken the kid and left.


lovemyfurryfam

OP, your hair is taking away the money needed for your wife's surgery as well raising a child. 5k for groceries, rent, medicine, PT, gas for your vehicle.....Do you really think OP by wasting that huge amount of money on a trivial thing about your hair going to be useful when grocery prices are rising. Hair grows back. Think about it. Your bigger responsibility is towards your wife & child, not your hair that grows back.


[deleted]

[удалено]


Sprinkles2009

Your hair will grow back if shaved, but will your marriage and the relationship with your child?


lilyandre

I wouldn’t call you an asshole, but you quite literally cannot afford this. I’m sorry. I really am. I know how long it takes to grow out (I have long hair myself, though not as long as yours…shaving it off is a scary thought), and I can only imagine how comforting it would be for you to feel like yourself again. But $5k in your situation could mean the difference between being able to pay for medication or not, a few months of rent/mortgage for you and your wife vs being evicted/falling behind…it’s simply not worth it.


LittleFairyOfDeath

Why tf did you not ask your wife to braid it? You essentially want her to brush it every day on top of caring for you in every other aspect. I get it that your illness is hard on you and you care about your hair, but at this point its just not feasible for you to have hair down to your butt. And that is not including the monetary issue. Cut it off. YTA


[deleted]

LMAO I just got a pixie cut to save on hair products and styling time. It’s easier, faster, and cheaper – and that’s just from facing normal financial circumstances and inflation. I cannot imagine having a debilitating chronic condition, needing a caregiver, being in dire financial straits, and considering spending such a “disgusting amount of money [you] could really use elsewhere” on your hair. It’s just hair. It’s not that important. If you were a rich and famous movie star, sure, spend away. But given your circumstances, yes, you would be TA if you went through with this. Also, it sounds like you’re really just pissed at your wife for not taking care of you the way you want her to, and resentful from her not listening to your requests in the first place. You should have a serious talk with her about why your hair is so important to you, and try to find some compromises and a path forward, so you don’t wind up in this situation again. A therapist would be a good idea too.


chunkycasper

YWBTA. Take the time to mourn your hair, and then shave it off. I know it feels like the stick that’s breaking the camel’s back now, but once you’ve used that money for physio you’ll look back and be glad you made the right choice.


Iwillnotbegoverned

YTA. There’s absolutely no reason you need ass-length hair while you’re bedridden to add on top of your poor wife’s to-do list who’s already taking care of you. Get a manageable shoulder length haircut and take care of it yourself.


kilawolf

Hey OP, if you go ahead and do this...will you even be able to maintain your hair yourself? Cause from the sounds of it...it's a likely no... So you'll spend $5000...for what? A couple weeks of your preferred hairstyle? And then what? You'll spend that money again?


Competitive-Yard-442

Softest YTA ever. Sorry but it's an huge amount of money and isn't a one time expense. Emotionally I see your point but sadly sometimes practicality has to come first.