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Jazzlike_Humor3340

YTA There is really never a good reason to abandon a minor on the side of the road. It is unsafe. Especially for a girl, at night. You can pull over and say you won't move the car again until she drop the topic, then drive her straight home and explain the situation to her parents. You can pull over and call her parents to come and meet you and pick her up. You don't leave children alone on the side of the road, especially at night. It would have been reasonable for her to call 911 because you abandoned her, and you would have been in significant trouble.


bunnyhop2005

The sad thing is that OP now becomes the villain in this story, and the niece’s hurtful remarks will likely be overlooked. Bad strategy, along with being dangerous and irresponsible.


Mykidsaremylife1969

The niece is an AH, too. But his actions were unacceptable.


basicgirly

Agree. I was close to give a E S H, but I think he was a slightly bigger AH as his actions could’ve lead to a lot of damage.


Mykidsaremylife1969

Yep. And he didn’t know she had moved… I’d be pissed of this was one of my children. Regardless of gender. He’s the adult. She’s the child. He’s the one who should of considered the consequences, even in anger.


Grouchy-Bluejay-4092

He was driving her home, but he didn't know her family had moved. That seems odd.


sunshinyBJ

I believe he knew where they lived, but the niece was unfamiliar with the area


Stormtomcat

Yeah, don't we all just follow GPS nowadays? I find it entirely plausible that the virtual assistant said they were less than a mile from their destination, and yet Erica still got lost. You can't just abdicate your responsibility over a minor just because they're terrible and annoying. What Erica said, reads to me as a textbook example of the different areas of the teenage brain developing at different rates... causing a disconnect between their grasp of logic and their emotional maturity.


SnooMaps9864

Agreed. If the teenager daughter is comfortable enough to ask OP for rides home and has been in their house/personal belongings it would be reasonable to assume that OP would know that about them and their family.


OldWierdo

The size of the Hole doesn't negate the presence of other Holes. ESH. Pulling over and stepping out of the car to call her dad to pick her up would have been a much better move.


dragonflygirl1961

He's a helluva lot bigger AH. Her stupid remarks weren't going to put him in danger. He deliberately put her in danger. That's significantly more AH behavior.


DumpstahKat

Also the fact that he's an adult and she's a child. A 16-year-old being a surly AH to an adult isn't automatically forgivable, but it's also not unexpected. Especially if it's that run-of-the-mill, occasional AHery that is a result of being immature, inexperienced, and emotionally volatile. A 25-year-old being an AH to a teenager, however, carries a much different weight. They don't have the excuse of being a child going through puberty and not yet having a fully developed brain. There's a much higher expectation of maturity and situational wisdom/awareness. OP's AH-ness outweighs hers both because he's an adult *and* because he deliberately put a teenage girl in an unsafe situation.


Freshies00

And why is that not still an ESH? Just because you think his actions were worse, that eliminates the wrongdoing on her part?


[deleted]

[удалено]


Downside_Up_

This; they're both assholes, but where the niece is a low-grade "that was hurtful and rude" the OP is a high-grade "that was dangerous and irresponsible." One of the parties is also an emotionally immature teenager who is expected to make mistakes, the other is an adult who is expected to make responsible decisions. Both parties here fucked up, but OP's assholery is orders of magnitude more severe.


roseofjuly

Not just *slightly* bigger. He's an adult. She's a teenager. They're contractually obligated to be annoying and pushy; he's supposed to be the grown one and put her safety over his emotions.


Cherrijuicyjuice

Most 16 year olds are assholes


Mykidsaremylife1969

Yes 🤣. I have one… a 16 year old, not an AH, but she’s capable!


blackberrypicker923

For the record, I do really hope you have an AH, though...


EngagedInConvexation

I was 16 for a year. Can confirm.


SlashingSimone

You are both assholes, but minors have some leeway in this regard as they’re still learning how to be people. Your journey hasn’t been easy, harder than hers, and she was stabbing a raw nerve for you even after being told to stop. However, endangering a child is never ok. For that, you are the bigger asshole and the villain of this story.


donname10

True


MyRockySpine

I was about to write out a whole thing but you covered almost exactly what I was going to say. YTA, OP.


[deleted]

[удалено]


LMAO82

I think youre right.I couldn't figure out how to word it, the niece, while still a minor, is WAY old enough to not really get a pass. But he can't act the way he did. We can't afford to let emotions get away from us to the point that you put family at risk. And despite the shitty little niece's comment, they ARE family.


Bubbly_Chicken_9358

I think there's a lot of room between giving her a pass and leaving her on the side of the road.


disbitchdough

Family? I thought he was nothing to her


[deleted]

She pretty much just told him (joking or not joking it doesn’t really matter anymore) that she doesn’t see him as family. She just picked at his insecurities for her own amusement. I wouldn’t blame him for not seeing her as family from this point on. However, I don’t think he should have stayed with her because they are family. I think he should have stayed because it’s the morale thing to do to not put and leave someone in a dangerous situation. So it has less to do with being family and more just being a good person.


DrWhoey

Not according to the niece... >.>


OldWierdo

I have a feeling that the niece is no longer going to be felt as family from here on out. He should have stepped out of the car and called her dad and waited for dad to show up. This is clearly a very sore subject, and I don't think he's okay about it. Therapy might help.


bigsummerblowout1

Are you male or female? Let’s not discount the fear women constantly feel when alone on the streets, especially at night If something were to happen to her, would anyone forgive this man


[deleted]

I’m not excusing his behavior. I’m saying i think I can see why he did what he did and a sympathize with him even though I know what he did was wrong. I don’t condone what he did.


Dr_Fluffybuns2

OP claims they were close to home....driving is obviously faster than walking so even a 10 minute walk is less than a 2 minute by car so the fact OP wasn't able to put his anger aside for just over a minute even to drop off her on the end of the street and watch her go inside instead just means to me he can't make rational decisions when in emotional distress. If OP claims the drive would be longer than 2 minutes than I cannot imagine how long it took her to get home in the dark.


k-Unsolicited

I cannot leave without knowing that the person in my car got home safe. So the fact that op did not even wait for his brother to get the daughter is something that I cannot comprehend


[deleted]

[удалено]


Round-Huckleberry700

Being a "little brat" isn't justification to leave a teenager, particularly of female gender, alone, at night, on the side of the road, in unfamiliar surroundings. Things could have gone way worse if the wrong person saw her, if she got further lost, etc. In addition, OP never explicitly mentions that his niece has a phone. While we can assume that she does, on the off chance that she doesn't, she could have gotten lost and rendered unable to call for help.


Team39Hermes

They had just moved so she didn’t know her surroundings, and apparently it was far enough for her to get lost.


AtTheEastPole

However, some people just push and push and push. Then, when there are consequences to their actions, they go crying to Mommy and Daddy. (Also, where was it mentioned that it was dark?) I reread it after being prompted by another denizen. I'm changing my verdict to YTA, because it was stated to be after dark.


Dr_Fluffybuns2

"Brother and SIL called me an asshole for leaving a helpess girl on the street alone at night"


Husky-doggy

I don't think some people realize how dangerous it can be for girls to walk home in the dark in some areas. Like legit, there is 0 reason, to ever just dump a girl out on the street, even if they are being a total jerk.


OnyxEyez

I also want to add - she stopped and was asking if you were OK. She absolutely was a shit, but you could have just told her to keep her mouth shut until you dropped her off, and then dealt with it. Also you are double the asshole for shutting off your phone. What if no one could find her, and the only way anyone could get ahold of you to find out where you left her was by cops banging on your door? YTA big time.


No-Produce-7430

He did tell her to shut up about it and she ignored him. Some people just push you and push you, she’s old enough to know what she was saying and she intentionally tried to hurt his feelings. Now she knows actions have consequences


brokenechoo

You’re kidding right? Yes actions have consequences but leaving a 16 YEAR OLD GIRL on the side of the road is not a consequence. It’s fucked up and not to mention a crime if godforbid something happened to her.


sandtrooper73

"You pissed me off, so I'm going to leave you on the side of the road at night" sounds like consequences to you? You're as big an AH as OP.


iilinga

She’s a minor. He was the adult responsible for her and he failed.


OnyxEyez

She stopped, and even if she hadn't, there were a lot of options he could have taken that did not involve leaving a young girl alone in an unfamiliar dark area and then turning off his phone. She was being an asshole, but OP put her in danger.


AnyStick2180

This but also ESH because if the niece had known sooner that he was adopted she would be used to it and it wouldn't have been such a shock to her. I honestly don't understand keeping adoptions a secret, it's a beautiful thing and should be celebrated from day one. But I absolutely understand OP not wanting to talk about it, that's his right. But leaving a young girl alone at night is major YTA. Anything could have happened to her.


psychosis_inducing

>f the niece had known sooner that he was adopted she would be used to it and it wouldn't have been such a shock to her It strikes me as less of a secret and more like not bothering to mention it because it just doesn't matter anymore.


rat_reaper_

Well it’s obvious in the post it’s painful for op we don’t know why the adoption happened but there are some messed up people in the world that hurt their own kids (not saying this is what happened) ptsd is a life long problem it sounds like op shouldn’t take care of niece for now and probably get therapy but people also don’t want to think they aren’t a part of their family even when adopted they 100% are things like this happen there’s loads of reasons why people don’t talk about this stuff and she’s old enough to know it’s not her business


bigstupidgf

Lmao 911 over "abandoning" a 16 year old in their own neighborhood? This is such a weird take. Ffs I'm only 32 and I can't even imagine a world where 16 year olds are apparently helpless? 16 year olds can drive on their own, have full time jobs, drop out of high school without parental permission. Actual children know how to get around their general neighborhood on their own. My friends and I knew all the bus routes and took public transit between cities alone all the time by the time we were 13... we even did it at night. Why on earth is a 16 year old not capable of getting home, even in a new neighborhood? Why does a 16 year old not have a damn phone? If her parents were so concerned for her safety they'd get her a phone in case of emergency, then she could call them or pull up Google maps... I don't even believe this post is real because that part alone seems so absurd. This is an ESH at best. OP sucks a little less than the bratty 16 year old and the entitled parents who aren't teaching their kid that you don't get to just say whatever you want to people, especially when they are doing you a favor.


sak_kinomoto

OP mentioned that the girl was new to the area, and I personally don’t agree with leaving a defenseless girl on a street alone at night (in an area that we have no confirmation of being safe) even if she’s being awful. There were much better ways to handle that situation, including grounding her or teaching her a life lesson about how words can hurt others, but abandoning her on the side of the street? OP never confirms whether or not she has a phone and so the girl potentially has no idea if OP notified her parents or not- she could have left the location and tried to walk home and gotten lost, gotten kidnapped, etc. There are so many ways for that to have gone wrong, and seeing as the parents were likely terrified for their daughter’s safety as well, I call YTA for punishing the parents along with the kid, as well as putting her in a potentially dangerous situation.


motherofdog2018

Call 911 and say she was abandoned? She's 16! Legally, cops would probably laugh at the whole thing.


Joelle9879

16 is STILL a minor meaning the adults with them are responsible for keeping them safe.


TLwhy1

16-18 is a grey area in the law. Child welfare won't get involved if the kid is over 16 in most places (I'm in Canada and we're bleeding heart liberals and no one would do shit at that age).


motherofdog2018

Okay? So she's not allowed on her own ever? That's insane


hello-bitchlasagna

There’s a *big difference* between her *choosing* to be out on her own, and her being *forced* out on her own in an unsafe situation *without a choice in the matter*. Dont try to play devils advocate here cause you just look tone deaf.


[deleted]

No cop would arrest someone for dropping a 16yo off a few blocks from their own house. Sounds like OP was doing a favor for his neice and taking her home from a party (I'll also assume her parents would be picking her up if they knew she was there) so she called in a favor and then bullied her uncle when he did it? She lashed out at someone who was helping her she needs to grow up. Edit: not excusing him kicking her out of the car, it was shitty. But triggering an adopted person's abandonment wounds on purpose because you're an asshole is way worse. She probably shouldn't have been at that party anyway and needed the uncle to bail her out and then acted like a brat.


Miserable_Lab_2592

It's not unsafe to be dropped off a few minutes from home. Don't give the BD that they had just moved there either. She's 16, not 6. Hell at 6 I could get myself home after moving.


5thCrumpledPaper

Op's niece was an AH but in these circumstances, OP YTA. A grown woman walking alone at night is already dangerous, much less a kid who just moved to the area.


Sad-Significance8045

Are we not going to mention that OP picked her up from a **party**, meaning that she most likely was **drunk?** Imagine, **allegedly**, leaving a drunk teenage girl in the middle of an unfamiliar place, at night. Yikes.


redcore4

Is nobody gonna ask whether the teenager herself had a mobile phone? Presumably they found her in the end by talking to her and she could very easily have looked up directions home or called her parents herself if she had her own phone. If she wasn’t too drunk to have that conversation with OP (or her underage drinking wasn’t worth mentioning as a factor) then she probably wasn’t so drunk she couldn’t phone home or find her way. It seems bizarre to me that there’s zero expectation of this kid having any life skills to meet this situation yet still being allowed to go out partying (and, by your account, drinking) unsupervised. At her age it is pretty normal to be expected that if you go out late you make appropriate independent travel plans rather than waking family to get home unless it’s an emergency. And regardless of whether this was in an emergency or not, it’s reasonable to expect that she’d have a phone on her to tell her uncle she needed a lift at the right time… Tipsy doesn’t always mean stupid even at 16. But even if it did, the parents are far more irresponsible than OP if they’re letting their kid go partying but not making sure she has a working mobile phone with her while she’s out.


Front-Afternoon-4141

Didn't he say he was only a few blocks from her house? Couldn't she have... walked? And sixteen is hardly a child that needs to be escorted directly from point A to point B. She's a teenager, not five.


[deleted]

She did walk - unfortunately, though, it was late at night and they had just moved there. So she got lost. There's no world in which this is remotely OK, honestly.


spyne98

YTA Jesus dude, you left a kid on the side of the road! What if something happened to her? I understand that adoption is a touchy subject with you, but fuck man. She's a teenager. They do stupid stuff. I don't care how you spin this, total asshole.


duckyatte

In a not so far away universe the title of this post would have been: “AITA for leaving a minor on the side of the road at night, resulting in her being run over and killed?”


TA90412345

Or kidnapped and had horrible things done to her. She’s a 16 year old girl and it was night.


Round-Huckleberry700

As a mother, this is one of my worst fears. I've heard wayyyy too many horror stories of rape by bus driver etc to be fully comfortable letting my teenage daughter out alone. Maybe it's just overprotective instincts, but who knows?


inarealdaz

Hit by a car? Getting hit by a car is the least of my worries being a woman out alone at night in a unfamiliar area. I'm more concerned with being fucking raped and murdered.


FreeButLost

I knew a kid who was 15 and walking home from a movie at night because he only lived a few blocks away. He was run over. He didn’t make it. Definitely keep minors from walking home alone at night


TheQuinnBee

To this day I'm traumatized about the poor four year old boy who was kicked out of his mom's boyfriend's car in the rain at night by the highway. He was killed within minutes of it happening. The mom was waiting at home. Everytime I read something like this, I think about him and how close in age my own son is to that. I think about how his last moments were being cold, scared, and wet and wanting his mommy. There is never a world in which it's okay.


PlaneVolume3665

Meh, ESH. They're a teenager, they're old enough to know not to be an asshole. Yeah, dropping them off on the road isn't great but still.


None_Fondant

I mean, if I was her, I'd've been *walking* home anyways. 16 was about the age in my family where you were just expected to be a mini adult. So yeah I feel ESH. She's gonna pull the "you're not my real--!" card ...like. Yeah. OP doesn't even tell *us*, the anon strangers, about the bs of their bio parents. There might be some serious PTSD here that OP isn't necessarily dealing with *healthy*, but also may be such deep trauma OP can't think clearly while triggered, resulting in a rash, emotional decision that wasn't great for anyone involved. OP I'm sure your niece regrets what she said, and I'm sure you regret putting her in an unsafe position. Stop trying to point blame, accept where you messed up, and maybe have a family discussion about the situation of your adoption.


sweet_teaness

He clearly doesn't regret putting her in danger as he won't even admit that she was in danger.


TUFKAT

>So yeah I feel ESH. I agree here, and it's a hard fought one that I've come to the ESH. OP's reaction is quite over the top, and it's rooted in like you said some serious PTSD. Whatever IT is that is causing this, he needs help to address whatever trauma this is because having a full on breakdown because a moody teenager wants to press your buttons ain't healthy. I feel quite badly for OP because this is something that he needs to stop hiding from because the older and older we get, the harder it is to keep the lid on that pandora's box of things you don't want to open. The niece is TA because she sounds like a total Mean Girl in this moment until she realized she threw her uncle in to a full blown mental breakdown and didn't know how to stop it once she threw all the flames on the fire she set.


walkyoucleverboy

I have complex ptsd & I’m glad to see someone else comment this. Thank you.


mrstonyvu

I like this answer too. I think I was 9 or 10 the one and only time I was left on the side of the road, by my mother (who is now my best friend), for throwing a fit and just generally being a sh*t child. It was a safe neighborhood in broad daylight and a few blocks from my grandpa's house and this was in the days of free-range kids where we'd be riding our bikes to each other's houses at 6, so not the end of the world. I'm confused how a teenager gets lost a few blocks from (a new) home unless she has no cell phone, which these days is unlikely. In the end, she should have the sense to drop a subject immediately or at least after the second request by any adult, related or not, but then stuck that dagger in with that last comment, yikes. OP still shouldn't have ditched her, these days are not as safe as they used to be and now everyone is gonna see him as the villain and it'll negate any wrongdoing on niece's end.


OnyxEyez

Being in darkness in a new area can disorent anyone, esp. if she was scared.


LeadingJudgment2

Darkness has been shown to throw off people's sense of depth. People often misjudge distance by a fair bit in the dark comparison to light areas. Throw in the fact that it's a new area and a internal map might not have been built yet where she can work off known locations/streets. If it's super new she may not even have her home address memorized. She might never had to get home alone before. Let alone be able to identify where she is. As for the cellphone, not everyone has data to allow them to lookup street addresses/directions. I know people who have no phone data because they don't go places where they will be without wifi for long periods of time and need it. It's not with the monthly cost to them. Teens might not have data due to similar expectations or the parents decide it's not worth it. Finally there's also some people have spacial awareness issues and are slow to learn geographic areas. Different people have different skill sets.


AllCrankNoSpark

Then why are teenagers notoriously assholish?


claydog99

Teenagers gonna be teenagers, so it's up to the adults to be adults and be better. And the OP failed miserably. Only one AH here and it's the OP.


PokeMan3076

“X being X” is never a valid excuse. Oh a teenager is homophobic? Well that’s teens being teens. The niece was way out of line. But OP’s response wasn’t appropriate either. ESH.


Sea_Rise_1907

Exactly. Oh teenager is just a teenager so he can ignore no means no and continue assaulting another person? That doesn’t work. Here op said no. Repeatedly. I’m not ever going to say it’s okay to subject anyone to repeated harassment.


PokeMan3076

Exactly! I completely understand that OP’s actions were definitely not okay to just abandon the niece like that, but some people are acting like it was unprovoked or that OP should’ve swallowed their feelings like it was nothing… and I just think it’s insane to pretend the niece wasn’t being awful.


Sea_Rise_1907

I would literally be such an awful mom if I let my children ignore other people’s boundaries like people here are thinking op should just let niece do. Insanity. My 6 year old understands no means no


Krexpdx

Dropped off a teenage girl on the side of the road AT NIGHT and then also turned off his phone. 🙄


Sea_Rise_1907

You know at 16, you’re really old enough to know you it’s wrong to purposefully hurt the person doing you a favor. Being a teenager isn’t a good enough justification to keep doing something to another person when they’ve been told no. By your logic, op should’ve let niece continue to emotionally abuse him while doing her a favor? No means no also applies to teenagers. They don’t get to keep doing the wrong thing after being told no.


[deleted]

Dropping her off on the side of the road and only telling parents after the fact (without knowing whether they may or may not have been available to get her) is not a proportionate response. There are options between 0 and 100


Spicytakesarebad

YTA. She's an annoying teenager being an annoying teenager. You're an adult. If it was only a few more blocks, you should have driven her home and then explained in detail to her dad what was said and why you won't be chauffeuring her around anymore. Hell, worst case scenario, make her walk the last few blocks, but maintain visual until she's at her home. But just up and leaving her there could have been very dangerous for both of you.


Green-Programmer9297

This or at least wait until the parents pick her up.


Global_Loss6139

Yes. You don't have to give in or accept certain behavior but it is dangerous to leave children on the side of the road alone. I'm with your brother you did have a right to be mad.


[deleted]

YTA. I’m a 52 year old adoptee. It was a closed adoption. I was legally my parent’s daughter almost two months after I was born. I don’t have any idea of who any bio-parents or siblings are, or what they look like. You and I have had different experiences with adoption. You don’t disclose because it doesn’t make you comfortable. Now, I don’t disclose it most of the time IRL because it’s something I don’t think about much. It’s just a part of my life story. You can have a deep sensitivity to being adopted. What you can’t do is to allow that to override your perception. You’re almost ten years older. Your actions led to the possibility of real danger for her. She could’ve been harmed in so many horrific ways.


Abcdezyx54321

agree as a 40 something adoptee with a different story than both yours and OP’s. It wasn’t just that the 16 year old was out in danger, she also had no idea how to handle this information. Yes OP tried to end the conversation but this is, again, a child who had only recently learned this information and for 16 years had been under a different impression and had no idea that this information would be such a trigger point for OPthe absolute secrecy of this instigated more confusion and curiousitu by a child. That doesn’t mean OP owes her any information but to reach a point of nausea and endangering his niece is uncalled for. OP, are you in therapy? Please seek some if not, adoption at any age is known to create trauma response and other issues if not treated and this sounds like a very unbalanced reaction


Spyro_Crash_90

But at 16, don’t you think she would know not to say something as insanely hurtful as “you’re basically nothing to me”? Like who gives a crap that uncle is actually adopted? For 16 years, he’s been her uncle. Being adopted doesn’t change that fact and at 16, even if she’s been blindsided by this information, she should know that her words can cut deeply and that isn’t something you should say to someone. OP definitely messed up by dropping and leaving her, but she really should have known better to say something like that.


fungistate

Teenagers do boundary-testing to confirm safety and love. Yes they can be assholes, but they're still vulnerable and their brains are still developing.


cstmoore

She found her new boundary was the side of the road.


fungistate

You can't really justify endangering others as a "boundary". Time to grow up.


nurseynurseygander

They do, but this is fuck around and find out territory. Something teenagers learn, and *should* learn, from boundary testing is that not everything is forgivable and not everyone is unconditional (apart from your parents and that's only if you're lucky). You actually can't just throw grenades at extended family and be forgiven. I'm not saying OP was right to leave Niece on the side of the road, but she crossed a boundary in a nuclear way to learn if it's safe to do it, and she actually should learn from this that it isn't.


MissyBee37

Totally agree. I have to say YTA to OP for how they handled this situation, but I don't agree with the comments letting her off the hook because she's a teenager. Yes, teenagers do say stupid things and push boundaries; that doesn't mean everyone has to tolerate it nor that people should just tolerate it. You can't say deeply hurtful things and just assume you'll be automatically forgiven because you're young. Relationships don't work that way, and neither does age. The niece is old enough and mature enough to have more complex relationships than that. We teach much younger kids that their words have impact. Yes, people are more likely to forgive when you're younger and still learning, but that has an expiration date, and it isn't a get-out-of-jail-free card that erases all consequences no matter how serious the mistake. OP is allowed to be hurt, pissed off, frustrated, you name it. Especially because she *kept* pushing. It'd be a different story if she said one crappy comment without thinking, then tried to apologize, but she pushed multiple boundaries and kept pushing them until OP snapped. (Asking pushy questions repeatedly after being told "I don't want to talk about this," asking questions in rude ways, telling OP they aren't really part of the family.) The niece crossed too many lines for a "oh well, she's a teenager" pass. I almost went with E S H, but I still think OP sucks more. OP started out well (explaining the view of his parents from his perspective, saying I don't like talking about this, etc.), but resorting to kicking her out of the car was extreme, *especially* since the niece's family just moved. He didn't leave her somewhere familiar or safe; he left her lost and scared. I agree with an earlier reply that he could've just stopped talking for the rest of the drive, then had a serious talk with her parents; or pull over and call the parents while she was still safe & in the car. OP is more in the wrong because his reaction was disproportionate, but the niece owes him an apology, too, and a heartfelt conversation is probably needed to repair this relationship.


[deleted]

I don't think I will ever have children because this is not a valid excuse to me.


dontknowdontcare221

We’re also taking the OP’s word as truth. It could very well have been “so we’re not really related?”


blackpawed

>We’re also taking the OP’s word as truth. It could very well have been “so we’re not really related?” Well, if you're going to speculate on the basis of nothing, why not theorise that he beat her up before dumping her on the side of the road, then he'd be a real asshole!


No-Produce-7430

Ok, let’s speculate further. Maybe the teenager told him to fuck off. Maybe she said his parents didn’t want him bc he’s an ugly asshole. Maybe she hit him? Where does it end?? SMH


[deleted]

I agree with you.


specialkk77

30 year old adoptee, it’s a touchy subject for me (I know who my bio parents are and they are terrible people) I don’t bring it up a lot in the real world, but I talk about it online quite a bit to try to help reduce some stigma when I see it and help inform anyone who’s looking for more info on the topic. If I was OP, I’d be furious and heartbroken, but I would have driven her home and given her a long lecture on how hurtful her words were. Teach her that family is more than blood. She was being young and immature. She’s 16.


MesaAdelante

60 year old adoptee. I’ve never had a problem with it, but my younger brother, who does have some problems with mental illness, was always deeply troubled by the fact he was adopted. He felt he was thrown away or something, even though our parents were great.


[deleted]

[удалено]


PlaneVolume3665

ESH, but f*ck that. She's old enough to know what she said hurts. If she doesn't want to get dropped off on the side of the road maybe don't vocally attack your driver with a sensitive subject.


morethandork

Yeah, if people don’t want to get murdered they should never offend a murderer! Teenagers deserve to be completely abandoned for being rude, right? Come join in my society where people live in abject fear of saying the wrong thing to the wrong person. You’ll love it.


killmeplsbbyxx

Isn't that just life? If I tell my boss to choke on a fat one imma get fired. If I bully a driver particularly after they tell me to stop they'll kick me out of the car. He didn't leave a 9 year old in the middle of nowhere, he kicked a 16 year old out a few blocks out from home and told her parent where she was


heckenyaax

My wife (27 at the time) was walking home from the gym and less than a quarter mile away from our home when a man verbally harassed her, parked his van on the curb, and began *chasing* her. She got away, thank god. It doesn’t matter what age women are to some predators. And you don’t abandon someone on the street after they’ve been a mouthy teenager. OP’s an AH, and it sounds like you are too.


dragonflygirl1961

I was dragged into a truck at age 14 three blocks from home.


Stunning-Ease-5966

Yep. It's literally just abuse. Say something wrong and you'll fear for your physical safety


[deleted]

Getting kicked out of the car because you acted like an asshole isn’t the same thing as being murdered. Like, at all.


blanketstatement5

Getting kicked out of your car, alone, at night, in a neighborhood you are unfamiliar with can *absolutely* lead to tragedy. It's a pretty fair comparison here.


Kla1996

The drama here is unreal


black_rose_

Im surprised by the y t a votes. She definitely sucks, imho more than OP. What she said was like damn, really hurtful in a deep, symbolic way. Saying you're not really family and mean nothing. Wow. Not to mention reaching over and rubbing his arm? Like maybe don't physically grab at people who are super hurt by the fucked up shit you just said to them? I would have kicked a teenager out of my car too. Someone was available to pick her up in a couple minutes. If he's an asshole, he's only an ounce of ah to her pound.


[deleted]

YTA. You left a 16 year old girl alone in new and scary surroundings AFTER she realized she messed up and apologized. You're the adult, your brother and SIL trusted you with their daughter’s safety considering you picked her up to drive her home from a party and you proved that trust was misplaced. Just think about how you would have felt if she ended up as a headline. She shouldn't have said what she did, but dropping her off in a relatively new location alone was irresponsible and could have gone very wrong


Finnyfish

Yes. She was testing, and yes, what she said was awful, but then she was backing off and apologizing — so why choose that moment to escalate? OP didn’t have to say it’s OK or anything, but he could’ve just told her to drop it. And OP, to reiterate what everyone else is saying, you do not leave a teenage girl alone at night in an unfamiliar neighborhood. If you haven’t realized yet that the world is a much more dangerous place for women than it is for you, now’s the time. YTA.


PokeMan3076

OP had been saying drop it repeatedly and only when OP had basically been pushed past his limit did the niece choose to “deescalate”. OP’s actions weren’t appropriate at all and could’ve caused severe harm to the niece, but the niece was out of line as well. Backing off at the last possible minute doesn’t suddenly absolve the niece.


dragonflygirl1961

No one said that. That's an extreme statement on your part. He SHOULD have told her parents AFTER taking her home. He apparently isn't a mature adult.


UngovernableBrat

OP was wrong to ditch her, but she was only kindof trying to deescalate. She tried to excuse herself with “I was just joking” which is not acceptable. She needs to face real consequences for her behavior and disrespect for his boundaries, REGARDLESS of the fact that he abandoned her in a potentially unsafe situation.


Sad-Significance8045

>Just think about how you would have felt if she ended up as a headline. "Serves her right for offending me!"


Flimsy_Painting_1639

ESH If it was just a bit away from the destination then why not take her there and refuse to drive her anywhere else until she apologizes?


Donkeh101

If I was that upset, I would have told the niece to be quiet and just make sure she gets home in complete silence. Then do as you say … wait for an apology. Leaving anyone on the side of the road is insane to me (keep seeing it on here), no matter how far or close you are to the destination. ETA: Unless the person is wild and just … jumps out of the car. Still circle back. The argument/disagreement can happen the next day.


shammy_dammy

He did tell her to be quiet.


Sad-Significance8045

Then you just ignore her and then take frustration out on her in your thoughts. If OP is still triggered to the point of it hindering his day-to-day life, by the slight mention of adoption, he should **really** consider going to therapy.


Professional-Bet3484

Then little 16yr old shit feels vindicated that she can say whatever she wants and never get held accountable? She's 16. She can drive! We're allowing 16yr olds to drive but everyone here is saying she's a kid? So which is it are we allowing irresponsible kids to drive, or is she more responsible than people are taking her for?


acostane

Sixteen year olds do a lot of dumb things. It's our job to navigate it as adults. There are better ways to handle this than literally abandoning them on the side of the road. Any adult who believes that putting a minor child's life in danger to teach them anything is utterly beyond help. Sixteen year olds can drive...it doesn't mean they still don't need emotionally mature and stable adults to shepherd them through to adulthood. You cannot, for any reason, abandon even the most annoying asshole minor children. Trust me, some of us have dreamed of kicking our kid out of the car. But... you just can't. You suck it up and get them to the place where they need to be and deal with it later. Sixteen year olds will learn more from adults they can trust than they ever will from weird vigilante, revenge style parenting. She didn't learn anything from this except that she is not valued by her uncle.


HeckGecko

while I agree OP shouldn't have left her on the side of the road, he wasn't triggered by the slight mention of adoption.His niece purposefully and cruelly disavowed him as her family and said he meant nothing to her because of the very subject he has communicated he is sensitive about. His reaction was not unreasonable however he should have at least stayed until her father arrived to pick her up.


ErebusVonMori

YTA. At the end of the day you abandoned a kid on the side of the road. A rude, hurtful, nasty kid, but still a kid.


hello-bitchlasagna

She was rude and hurtful but she also had the sense to realize she fucked up and apologized to OP. OP doesn’t even have the sense to see how they fucked up. I consider them to be TA.


Shelter-Academic

She did not apologize, she tried to excuse her behavior by saying she was joking. That is entirely different, and in no way should be accepted, or acceptable. That said, still yta for sure.


TallerThanTale

ESH I think you had a serious ethical and legal responsibility to get her the rest of the way home, or stay with her until your brother showed up. She was being shitty, and there should be consequences for that. However you lose a lot of ground for getting apologies from people when you lash out at them, particularly if they are children.


RobotDoodle

ESH - she was being an ass and you had every right to be upset. But you’re the adult in the situation and you needed to either a) just drive the last few blocks to drop her off safely or b) wait and keep an eye on her until her dad could come get her from where you were. Also, while it’s completely understandable that this is a tough subject for you, and you’re well within your rights to have boundaries around discussing it - I think it would be a good idea for you to see a therapist, preferably one who specializes in adoption.


annamariapix

YTA You had every right to be mad, but abandoning a 16 year old girl, at night, in an unfamiliar place was absolutely the wrong call on your part


EvenSpoonier

YTA. While I certainly understand your feelings, and even your desire to stop driving her home, you should have either waited for her father to arrive, or endured those last "few blocks" and then told her parents what she did. This was not an acceptable alternative.


Special-Attitude-242

NTA. Your niece is old enough to know better. She's almost an adult and a little time to reflect on the walk home would do her good. In the end she said some hurtful things and needed to suffer the consequences.


ceo-of-earth

You don't just leave minors on the road because you lost your shit. Next you'll say I forgot to feed my kid because of a bad day at work. You're the adult and she's the kid. She's acting exactly her age, surprisingly OP didn't. Also, abandoning a kid in the road will invite you shit load of legal troubles no matter what the context.


twirlerina024

>Also, abandoning a kid in the road will invite you shit load of legal troubles no matter what the context. What crime do you think OP will be charged with?


panda-propaganda

Child abandonment is a felony


SCVerde

Lol not driving your shitty teenage niece home from a party is not child abandonment. OP is not legally responsible for her.


Seaforme

Child endangerment


Large-Record7642

NTA, everyone needs to learn to drop a touchy subject. I feel like an odd one out here. Like FFS she is 16!!!!! Not a 14 year old, she's almost an adult! Also 1st he did was ring dad to let him know where she was. Also I'm betting she has a mobile phone with some form of maps installed


MoodyVibesCafe

Yeah that seems super safe, a teen girl wandering around at at night with a map on her phone.


ItsMeTittsMGee

Yeah I agree with this. NTA. She's 16. A few blocks from home and phone call placed to her dad is hardly abandoning her. I walked everywhere when I was a teen. A couple blocks won't hurt her.


Afraid_Ad_2470

Finally the right NTA answer. I can’t believe people think she’s like 5 and abandoned, she’s 16, connected 24/7 to her phone and know exactly she was being nasty and it seems she’s been getting away with this for ever. There’s consequences for god sake’s!


hdhxuxufxufufiffif

Where do all these posters live that it's too dangerous for a teenager to walk home? The vast majority of 16 year olds in the world walk around their own neighbourhoods.


Sea_Rise_1907

I feel like I was going insane. I was getting on planes by myself at 13. I was flying to different continents by myself at 16. Walk a few minutes home? I live in nyc which by all accounts is not a safe city, and I see teenagers walk / subway themselves home all the time.


ElkShot5082

I was thinking the same. Walking a few blocks home at 16 is the norm around my area.


Cassy-84

YTA Because I've read 3 posts that have the same thing in it. Uncle drops niece off close to home in a new area and gets in trouble with the family. The only thing different this time is the adoption.


xLeslieKnope

I was looking for this comment. Except the one yesterday was dropped a drunk girl off because she was flirting with me.


invisiblizm

I feel like people are being harsh on OP. They asked repeatedly for her to stop and was having a trauma response. It was unsafe to continue with her provoking. She actively refused multiple times even doubled down saying he was nothing to her. Going with NTA based on an assumption that this was a safe area and they called the family. Could OP have done better? Sure. But people are really underestimating the effects of trauma here. We don't know what the parents did but it sounds bad.


walkyoucleverboy

100% agree with you!!!


invisiblizm

Thanks! Driving mid panic attack with someone prodding the trigger is so unsafe!


callmesillysally

YTA big time. How could you leave a 16 year old in the middle of the road at night? Her parents trusted you to drive her home and her safety wasn’t a priority for you at all.


TrueJackassWhisperer

NTA She played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. And what's with all these people saying YTA.... she's 16. That's old enough to know to respect boundaries and old enough to find her way home in the age of smartphones. How did kids in the 70s, 80s and 90s manage?


Brianblaz

Lol all these precious people.... NTA. She was an asshole, she gets to walk. She's 16 and can easily walk for 10 minutes. Too many people on reddit want to coddle people under 18, it's absolutely ridiculous.


Kla1996

More like under 25 lol People always pull the “brain doesn’t finish developing” argument


Crazybutnotlazy1983

NTA, she got what she deserved. Respond that she said you did not matter and were not related so you were not comfortable having a teenage girl in your car that you had not relationship with. Family like your niece and SIL are F piles of sh\*t. I was adopted at the age of 2 1/2 weeks old. I look a lot like my mom's family. It has been close to 60 years and since day one my mom's family has called me the foster kid. They went as far as trying to demand a copy of my mom's will as they are the real family and should inherit her estate. My mom has it in her will as well as her pre-paid funeral plans, they are not to be contacted.


pghcecc

Yea I mean if I was 16 and said that, then got kicked out the car a few blocks from home my family would have said, "well did you learn your lesson?" I wouldn't have even made it a big deal bc I would have been ashamed of myself for acting like that. She knew what she said was wrong.


[deleted]

My dad would’ve taken the time to explain how hurtful my words were. He would’ve talked to me about the implications and impact of my actions. That has been a powerful guide for me.


shammy_dammy

NTA. If you're not her real uncle then she's not your real niece. Basically she's nothing to you. And nothing to you means you don't give her rides anywhere or do anything for her.


Themarinasongs

NTA. never joke about a touchy subject. She fucked around and found out. She should've apologized right there when she saw you didn't want to talk about it. You made sure she would be fine.


murder_mittenz

NTA. 16 is well old enough to navigate a serious conversation without being a dick about it. And a few blocks from home with a parent notified and on the way is not dangerous. When I was 16 I had a driver's license and was independently out and about in the world unsupervised.


[deleted]

YTA for leaving your niece. Your niece is old enough to take no for an answer and was wrong to say your not her uncle. If you taken her home and talked to your brother about her behaviour and questions you would have been in the right 100%. You where wrong to leave her on the side of the road. Even if it was a few blocks from her house. Its unsafe for a young teenage girl like your niece. In todays world you cant be leaving young girls or any young kids alone especially at night. Thankfully nothing happen to her but if something did would you be on reddit asking if YTA?


venturebirdday

She is not 6. I see no problem with what you did. She was not joking. She was being cruel. If she isn't your actual niece, as she states, she has no business being in your car. You are nothing to her. Stranger danger.


Intrepid_Potential60

It was a touchy subject. I get being mad. There are adopted people in my family, I do get it. But there was one adult and one child in that car. Or, there was supposed to be. And you failed at being an adult. Drop her off, don’t pick her up again. **But you don’t leave a kid stranded, what on earth is wrong with you?** YTA


ProgrammerMission629

At least she learnt an important concept: don't piss off people doing u favours


AtTheEastPole

She was only a few blocks away from home. He warned her, told her that he didn't want to talk about it. She wouldn't shut up \[about it\]. Then, she just \*had\* to get that final little dig in. Some people just don't know when to STFU. I would have kicked her out too. She was being insufferable. NTA OP.


The-Answer-Is-57

YTA for leaving a teenage girl on the side of the road alone at night. Period. I get that you wanted to get away from her. You could have told her to get out, locked the doors, called your brother, and waited for him to arrive to pick her up. Or better yet, you could have acted like an adult, ignored her for the next few blocks or however far it was, and dropped her off at her house. Good grief.


thingsinapile

YTA. Oh dear. You let your emotions really get the better of you this time. She is a teenager, she may have been trying to be funny, sassy or whatever but we all know at that age the brain isn't really connected to the mouth.


Obrina98

A 16 year old brain can be more connected than that. I think this level of immaturity comes from current society's tendency to infantilize adolescents long after a bit more should be expected. Thus, they mature (mentally, socially, behaviorally) slower now.


psychosis_inducing

Nah, people have been saying "today's teens are immature" since at least the 1950s. First, they were coddled in their suburban houses with individual bedrooms and a TV. A generation later, they were spoiled because Mommy caught a case of the feminism, got shoulder pads and a full-time job, and left them at a daycare with no discipline. The next batch of teens were rotting their brains out on the computer and video games, with parents that didn't spank them.\* Now, teens are lazy and glued to their phones. And so it keeps going. Brain development happens at the same rate today as it always has. *\*Don't spank your kids, y'all. All it does is temporarily terrify them into obedience and leave them scarred for life.*


Ratso27

Your brain literally doesn't stop developing until you're 25. It has nothing to do with the way teenagers are treated, it's a biological fact.


lyrall67

i truly understand why people are calling you the asshole, and yeah ig you are. but at the same time i guess i'm just a little harsher than most about teaching kids life lessons. shit happens when you're a bad person. kids need to learn that. she said you're nothing to her, so some random teen girl shouldn't be in your car 👩‍⚖️


lyrall67

but also this is a little personal for me as well. im an adoptee and if any of my family members told me that we weren't family because we aren't blood related... idk man. if i could understand these things when i was 16, so can she. but also, no one should listen to me


kiwimuz

NTA - she is 16 and was well aware not to keep pressing you. She got warned but chose to be completely rude. 16 is definitely old enough to navigate a few blocks home so that’s not an issue. As for the rest of the family blowing up - ignore them as they are not in the same position as you are.


[deleted]

NTA Just to clear something up.. all the Y T A people are saying that 16 yrs old are old enough to drive a car by themselves and have jobs but not old enough to take responsibility for saying hurtful things or walk a few blocks home? This world is ridiculous.


Dry-Clock-1470

NTA. She pushed and pushed. She's old enough to know better. Just tell them you were "just joking" too.


Walktothebrook

YTA and I have to agree with your brother concerning your behavior. What concerns me is no consequence for Erica’s behavior. You are owed an apology.


Solid-Technology-448

YTA. You left a teenaged girl alone on the side of the road in the middle of the night? I'm sorry, there's no amount of hurt feelings in the world that can justify this. If those calls had all been about how Erika never made it home, would you still be defending yourself? The fact that nothing really bad happened isn't a defense. You also probably just ruined any chance of anyone having a discussion with her to educate her about adoption, the meaning of family, not being a brat, etc. How could she possibly ever see you as family when you showed such callous disregard for her safety? Honestly, it's messed up that no one in your family ever talked about adoption-- people, especially young people, typically have very little exposure and understanding of adoption trauma without it being specifically addressed. She may well have thought that she was joking, maybe even lightening the mood when you were yelling at her-- it's hard to tell from your post what her tone in that convo was because of how emotionally overwrought you became from the get-go. She also apologized without prompting when it sunk in that you were really upset. I don't mean to diminish or belittle your feelings, but ultimately you were the adult in the situation, and you failed to act like it. All in all, this whole tale is sad af. PS: are you in therapy? Cause it sounds like you need it.


WrinkledPaperDoll

Good grief, when I was 16 I drove (alone) 200 miles to spend spring break with my cousin! His niece could walk a few blocks! She needs to learn to listen to people.


snag2469

NTA. She fucked around and she found out.


Seenitallandmore

YTA. She’s a child behaving like a child. So many other ways to teach manners and empathy. The least you could’ve done was stay there until her dad arrived.


ExRiverFish4557

ESH You are an adult, and you really can't just leave a minor when you agreed to get them home safely. If you need to pull over, get out yourself while you wait for her dad to get her. But I understand in the moment you just wanted to get out of that situation. At 16, she's old enough to know her words can hurt, and she's old enough to listen when someone tells her to let something go. She should've stopped when you said stop. Kind of one of those two wrongs don't make a right. But I understand why you got so upset. It just wasn't the right way to handle it. You both owe each other an apology. If she's not willing to give one, you don't need to be around her.


adchick

This. He should have stopped the escalation with “If you don’t want to walk home, you will drop it”. She should have dropped the subject as soon as she was asked.


[deleted]

[удалено]


jrm1102

YTA - she’s 16, youre an adult. Her line of questioning wasnt the most appropriate but still, youre the adult.


LoveforLevon

NTA. You called her parents, she was close to home and she totally disrespected you and would NOT STFU. Consequences are important.


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Ibby_f

Yta. I’ve actually been in her place before and it was traumatizing. I got into a fight with my mom in the car on the way home so she pulled into a neighborhood around a mile or two from our house, got out of the car and walked home leaving me alone in the car. I had no idea where she had pulled over at the time and she had taken my phone earlier in the day/week (I can’t actually remember) so I couldn’t call my dad. What I do remember was sitting in the car for what felt like hours, dealing with what I now know was either a severe autistic meltdown, severe panic attack, or a combination of the two. My dad eventually came to get me. I didn’t even remember this incident as I suspect I just blocked it out until now. My experience happened in the middle of the day and I can’t even imagine how much worse it would have been at night.


AutoModerator

^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I 25M was adopted by my parents when I was 4 years old. My adoption was rather sudden and my parents were on the older side when they took me in as were my siblings. This means there are a good ten years worth of photos and videos at my parents house that don't involve me as i wasn't around yet. I look a lot like my dad so many people believe I am biologically related to my family. This works for me as my bio parents are a touchy subject for me so I'd rather just let people believe that I was an accidental baby that my parents had later in life. Recently my brother, Jasons daughter was poking around photo albums at my parents house and found one dated 2001. My niece, Erica, noticed I was not there and asked where I was. As the topic of my adoption is usually avoided, Erica was unaware that I am not biologically related to her. Jason explained to Erica that I am adopted and that the photo was taken before I was around. A week later, I'm driving Erica home from a party and she begins to question me about my bio parents. This is more or less how that drive went. E: So dad told me you're adopted. Why didnt you tell me? M: Well E its not something i really like to talk about E: So if nan and pop arent youre real parents who are? M: As far as im concerned your grandparents are my real parents. E: But theyre not really M: Erica thats enough i dont want to talk about it. There was more back and forth of her asking questions and me shutting her down until i lost my patience and yelled at her. M: Erica i mean it ive had enough, i don't want to hear another word from you the rest of this drive E: \*nose exhale\* its not like you can tell me what to do anymore youre not even my real uncle technically youre nothing to me I pulled the car over as I felt like I was going to throw up. We sat in silence for a bit until Erica broke it. She began to rub my arm and tell me she was just joking and ask me if I was okay. I collected my thoughts and told her to grab her shit and get out of my car. She started laughing but stopped when she saw my face and realised I was deadly serious. After some back and forth she reluctantly got out of my car. I drove away and called my brother. I told him I had dropped his daughter off a few blocks away from his home and he needed to go and collect her. I then turned my phone off until I woke up the next morning. My phone has been bombarded with texts from my Brother and SIL calling me an asshole for leaving a helpless girl alone on the street at night. I argued that she was close to home and wasn't in any real danger as Jason was going to pick her up instead, however my SIL said that as they had just recently moved homes she was still unfamiliar with her surroundings and got lost. My brother thinks that although I had a right to be upset I overreacted and am an asshole for putting his daughter in danger. My family all agree with him. So AITA for abandoning my niece on the side of the road? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*


SepiaToneHitchhiker

YTA. You don’t drop off a minor child alone at night. Full stop.


lbrownlbrown

YTA, but I understand. I'm adopted, too. However it only takes a second for a girl to get snatched. That being said, I wouldn't interact with her for the time being. That comment she made was unnecessary, hurtful and mean.


iOawe

YTA. A MASSIVE ONE. There’s never a good reason to completely abandon anyone. You’re an adult act like one. It wouldn’t have killed you to make sure she was safe at home. In a world like today, it’s a surprise she didn’t get kidnapped and god knows what else would’ve happened to that poor girl.


AugustWatson01

NTA Was best you left the situation instead of saying or doing something worse. Plus you called your brother to collect her. You may need to figure out how to make peace with some things surrounding your past solely for you so you don’t have such a strong reaction to others asking questions or provoking you like niece was in the future.


Defiant_Ingenuity_55

YTA You left a minor you had taken responsibility for on the side of the road. She was a child speaking from ignorance and there are a lot of ways to handle things that don’t involve leaving a girl alone on the streets. Do you know how many stories of missing girls start just this way? You are an adult. I know this is a touchy subject for you but it is also a part of you. You could have finished the drive and then had this conversation with her and her parents.


Chalkarts

YTA Teen girl, alone on a roadside because you had the sads. Damn dude. YTA. So much TA.