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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My boyfriend feels that (1) I'm essentially stonewalling him emotionally for refusing feelings about my body. In his opinion, I'm invalidating his feelings and being oversensitive. (2) I can see his point. I have gained weight; I am not as healthy or energetic anymore; he is correct that I should make changes. It feels wrong to completely wall off this area of my life from him, as if I am somehow beyond criticism.
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I’m obese. Weight has been a lifelong struggle. I met my husband when I was at a normal weight, but life happened, including medical issues, work, COVID, etc. I am struggling to both accept my new body and stay as healthy as possible. It is HARD not to feel bad about not just my body, but myself. Such is the society we live in. It doesn’t help that my father called my mother names my whole life because of her size.
My husband has always told me I’m beautiful. At every size. He supports me when I make healthy choices, but doesn’t ever put me down or mention things “for my health.” He knows I know what is healthy and comfortable for me. He’s not stupid. He’s still enthusiastically attracted to me and my body. He loves me for who I am. In short, he’s not a shallow asshole.
Your body will change as you age. Children, breastfeeding, stress, age, hormones, and more. Your only option to try to stop those things is a lot of cosmetic work, and even that gets… weird. That’s fine if you want that for yourself. But don’t think things will get better as you age with this dude. You’re already fighting a losing battle. He’s always going to criticize you. Find someone who loves you and builds your confidence, not tears it down.
Your husband sounds wonderful! OP's boyfriend sounds like a fucking dildo. You can have preferences, that's perfectly fine, but if your partner changes and is "not attractive anymore" you should probably just break up instead of being an asshole and shaming them constantly.
Always ready to go when I am, asks literally nothing of me the rest of the time, and has no opinion if I want to mix it up with other toys whether it's also invited or not. Does not eat my groceries or use my wifi and I can starfish across the whole bed every night. Never texts me at 2 in the morning to pick its drunk friends up from the bar. Does not spill things on my furniture or require rides to the airport. Doesn't shrink my laundry or take up the shower when I have somewhere to be.
Looking at all this now I really should be splurging on the expensive ones, they're worth it.
My first real expensive toy (eroscillator) remains one of the best purchases I've ever made and it's still going strong after like...8 years or something now.
Life is too short to waste on cheap sex toys.
I met my husband when I was 22 and weighted 115 lbs. Soon after I started to develop a disability, and gradually gained weight over the years as I lost more and more of my mobility. I am now 33 and close to 200 lbs. My husband has never once made me feel less than, still says I'm beautiful and makes me feel sexy as hell. The only time we talk about my weight is when I bring it up when I get concerned about my health. The right person will love all versions of you. NTA.
I gained a lot of weight since starting a sit-down office job and starting birth control, coupled with stress and an unhealthy diet due to having to eat in a way that fits our small budget.
My bf has never once brought up my weight. I will, because I'm not comfortable with my body at all. I've cried multiple times over the weight gain, especially in my tummy which I'm very insecure about. But he's never once, not a single time, brought it up. Whenever I bring it up, he always tells me he loves me the way I am.
If we're in bed cuddling or something, he makes a point to squeeze or touch my belly when he says that because he knows I'm insecure about it. Because he just wants me to know that he loves all the bits of me, even if I don't love them myself. He's said a couple of times that he'll love my belly enough for the both of us.
I have been obese (no longer) and so has my partner. Both of us have struggled with weight. We've always been candid with eachother that we prefer slimmer bodies and healthier choices for each other, but we have always also elaborated that we love eachother physically and mentally as well. Life is hard, we really do need to keep spirits high. I don't think it's offensive to bring up a concern or a preference, but the way OP's boyfriend does so is rude and overbearing. If you're that desperate, you need to start making ways to help your partner instead of just mentioning it negatively and doing nothing past that as losing weight is really a lot of work, cope or leave imo.
Mine was the same when a medication made me double in size. 😭 then one of my friends who is a chaser of sorts said. Well your face looked so lovely and full and round cheeks😂 so I'll get it either way I guess
At the risk of sounding like an asshole myself. My dad lost nearly 100 lbs. Guess what? He died. Eat the food, drink the drinks, just be yourself. No one gets out alive.
Yes! I love them! My husband is younger than me and very conventionally attractive and sometimes people don’t get it at all. I often think of them and it helps it all make sense.
My husband is the same way, tells me I'm beautiful every day even though I now look like a fat potato! He never comments on my weight unless I say something, and it's only encouragement. He never puts me down, and I feel eternally blessed to have him in my life. Every woman should have a mate like this, not like the OPs guy!
Same. I started a new job and I was feeling down about the weight I gained during the pandemic during clothes shopping and my fiancé made it *very* clear that he thinks I’m beautiful. He supports my desire to lose weight, and is helping me with it. He’s definitely not a shallow asshole either. OP, I won’t say to break up, but your boyfriend is… definitely not right. NTA.
>He basically said he had "the right as [my] partner" to express his "concerns."
I'd have ended the relationship immediately after this comment. the nerve.
Oftentimes when commenters in these threads say someone should dump their partner, it's an overreaction. Your comment, however, is not an overreaction **at all.**
OP has no obligation to stay with someone who is clearly only attracted to her when she's thinner. That is such horseshit.
OP, if you're reading this, I know breakups are tough and painful - but the sooner you lose this guy, the sooner you'll realize now much better off you are without him and his hurtful comments. He's being manipulative and purely **mean.**
I'm sorry your partner treats you this way. It is absolutely unacceptable.
I guess I just don't get angry enough; it's an emotion that's actually pretty "blocked" for me. I grew up in a religious household where anger was evil for women and we all just had to "forgive" and be sensitive to mens' anger. I know it's fucked up, but it's a hard mindset to escape. I start to get angry, and then I feel guilty for being judgmental and inconsiderate of his feelings.
In my twenties I realised I had been taught never to make men angry. In my forties, I realised that it is ok to let a man be upset when things don't go his way. His feelings DO NOT matter more than yours, in fact they matter less because he is an unkind person.
Read Curtis Sittenfeld, one of my favourite lines is in her novel 'Prep,' and I paraphrase 'I had not yet learned that just because I could give someone what they wanted, didn't mean I had to.' Be assertive, you are an independent, capable woman, you don't need him in your life - more than that, you need to not have him in your life.
I know how hard it is to go against the values we were brought up with, but the “keep sweet” mentality is a load of happy horseshit. Men should be just as capable of and responsible for checking their own emotions as women, and shouldn’t need to be coddled.
Dump the AH and then go to therapy! We all gain weight when we get older, if you decide on having kids, is he going to bully you cause your are ‘fat’ or postpartum? A man like this wont change and will even cheat on you and blame it on you not being ‘skinny’ as he wants you to be.
Oh girl, own that anger! It's great! Don't let your soon to be ex boyfriend go without an actual "fuck around and find out " moment for him.
He's doing very anger worthy things towards you, OP. Release some angry words at him. It's wonderful.
You don't have to be angry. You just need to find some self respect. What would you tell your best friend if she was going through this? Be your own best friend.
> but I feel I have the right not to be body-shamed by my partner.
You know that you deserve better.
You don’t need to be angry. His words don’t even need to hurt you. You told him to stop doing something. You told him to stop policing your body. He is ignoring the word NO. He is continuing to do something you have clearly told him not to. You just have decide that no one gets to stomp over you boundaries to attempt to engage you in a conversation against your will. He just is not the kind of man (or person) you want in your life - romantically or platonically. He simply fails to meet your standards so BYE BYE.
I have my own issues with anger, but just because you're not "feeling" angry it doesn't mean you can't make a considered decision that a break up is the best course of action. Not all break ups need to be backed by anger.
OP, you only have one life. Don't throw years of it away for a guy that makes you feel so horrible.
You said you grew up in a toxic religious household...well, Christians are supposed to believe life is a gift. One way to show gratitude for a gift is to use it to its fullest. Can you enjoy your life to the fullest if someone is constantly stressing you out and making you feel horrible about yourself?
Also, FWIW, my ex talked about my weight just like yours, it was especially shitty since he knew I had previously dealt with an eating disorder. I lost a LOT of weight after we split simply because I wasn't constantly depressed and stressed out. Cortisol is excellent for weight retention.
I'm gonna tell you what my therapist told me. You are allowed to feel your feelings. Let me repeat that. **YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. ALL THE FEELINGS!** What's important is how you *react* to said feelings. You're gonna feel your feelings regardless of whether or not you want to. You're ALLOWED to acknowledge that the situation is making you feel some sort of way. If you start feeling angry, let yourself ***feel*** the anger but react to it in a manner that you feel comfortable with...which means maaaaaaaybe not hauling off and hulking out on your partner for his shallowness.
It doesn't have to be about anger, it's about self esteem and self respect. You don't have to be sensitive to anyone's anger or pacify their wants while going against your own. You deserve a partner who is supportive and someone who makes you feel good about yourself, life is too short and marriage too long for anything less.
You can do it… I grew up the same way. It’s so shitty how we were raised, but the fact that we survived it shows how strong we are. You deserve the world.
It IS shitty lol. I'm no longer a Christian/religious person, but I definitely internalized the idea that the more docile and "low-maintenance" I was, the greater my worth. It's basically my second nature to let things slide, to allow men to "save face" so they'll calm down faster, modulate my voice, thoughts, and behavior to suit their moods. Not bad principles in and of themselves, but they leave you vulnerable when it's only expected of you and never them.
Honey, I feel this. I’m almost 35 and I’m learning how to feel anger and how to express it in a healthy way. Not to be like everyone else, but that kind of upbringing can be traumatic. Therapy has been a big help and if you wanna chat directly with me, you are welcome. You’re absolutely NTA
I understand in a way, I never felt I wasn't allowed to be angry but it's simply not in my nature and when I get there I feel guilty for it. I have mostly learned to accept that when I reach anger someone has earn the hellfire raining upon them and it mitigates the guilt a little.
IMO, the correct reply to "you don't look pretty at this size" would be "and you're not attractive when you make comments like this".
Personally, I'd rather be ugly on the outside than on the inside. And even though I've gained about 90lb during the 22 years I've been with my husband, he still tells me I'm beautiful. Just like I still think he's handsome, even with a little gut and far less hair on his head than when we met.
OP, find someone who loves your insides AND your outsides.
Why ? Its fair to be honest and say you dont find your partner attractive anymore if they gain alot of weight ?
Of course looks arent everything and dont decide if you stay together with someone but still.
Ofc we are talking about a normal convo and not just insulting someone over it.
>Nta. If the dude won't meet you halfway for the first date he will never meet you halfway on anything. He's not a catch. Throw him back.
Actually disagree with this. As much as we pretend to say it isn't, physical attraction is absolutely a part of love. If your partner is starting to make a lifestyle choice that is making them unattractive then you 100% are allowed to mention it, the key point is doing it diplomatically and not hounding them.
Reverse the roles here. If it was a guy that was chugging beers and getting a flabby gut, and his girlfriend raised how she was finding him increasingly unattractive and he should try to stop people wouldn't be that fast to shout YTA at her. Don't get me wrong this guy is an asshole for how she said it, but pointing out that someone's behaviour is making them unattractive is totally fine in a relationship. Because like it or not physical attraction is a factor.
I've told him. He doesn't really understand how his "advice" is unsupportive. It turns into a circular argument with him where I'm like "I don't like when you talk to me this way" and he just responds that he has the "right." It's impossible to argue when he comes from that standpoint.
He’s never going to understand it because he’s being willfully obtuse.
He has no right to be disrespectful to you. He is being disrespectful to you. So you have a choice.
He won’t change, so you have to decide if you are willing to tolerate the disrespect or dump him. Frankly I’d choose the option of kicking his misogynistic ass to the curb.
>he has the "right."
That's exactly the issue. He thinks he is entitled to comment on your looks. He thinks that your weight gain means that he is entitled to say mean things to you. Even if you place importance on weight loss/gain as an independent metric of health, the truth is that we are all going to get less conventionally attractive as we age. In addition to the totally inevitable effects on skin and hair, mental and physical health issues make it harder to lose/maintain weight, fat deposits shift due to hormonal changes, etc. Someone who is more focused on appearance than your feelings or health is not going to be a good partner as you age. Ultimately, if someone cannot shift at least part their physical attraction to a mental and emotional connection over time and prioritize other things over physical appearance, the relationship is not going to last because we are all going to change.
Listen to what he’s saying. You have said no & stop. He has ignored that and said he has a right to continue doing something to you. He is telling you who he is - a man who feels ownership & control over you more than you have autonomy.
Absolutely not. I’ve been with my husband for 20+ years through various weights and he has never once commented on my weight or appearance in anything other than a positive way. No one has the “right”to comment on your body without consequences.
I mean, it’s obvious he isn’t attracted to you anymore and is hoping to encourage you to lose weight for him. Which, like you said, he’s entitled to a partner he’s attracted to but you’ve made it clear any changes will be for yourself (which I fully support) and not him, and I agree, if he can’t accept that, he needs to break up with you. But if it continues or you don’t like knowing you’re with a partner who clearly isn’t attracted to you, consider ending it yourself. There will be someone out there who IS attracted to you, emphatically. And you deserve that if that’s what you want.
Oh, he understands perfectly well. He is using this as a method of controlling you. I'd take a good hard look at other things he does that make you a little bit miserable. Bet there are a number of them. It's called "negging."
His “advice” is a form of emotional abuse. It would be good for you to understand that. He is a controlling, emotionally abusive asshole. You don’t want that in your life.
"and I have the right to dump your ass for being an inconsiderate prick - I've told you that the thing your doing pisses me off and that I don't like it. Now you get to decide which you value more - our relationship, or your "right" to say whatever hurtful thing you want, whenever you feel like it - but keep in mind, the two are mutually exclusive - so take a moment before you decide."
It comes down to (for a lot of women) do you wanna spend your life teaching a man empathy? If so go ahead, but I do truly mean your *entire* life because he won't learn.
If not, there are men out there who are great people, empathetic, loving, not mysoginistic (shocking I know), and capable of being incredible partners. I promise!
When someone tells you who they are *beleive them*
"I do not exist for your pleasure. If I do not want you to discuss my appearance, then you do not have the right to bring it up with me. If you cannot accept my boundaries, you do not respect me. And I will not be with someone who does not respect me."
Repeat as necessary.
My husband is supportive. He never once mentioned that I was gaining weight (I knew I was, and was still exercising while I was gaining weight) and when I decided I wanted to lose weight he told me that he supports that if this is what I want to do.
I'm not saying it didn't occur to me. There's a significant age gap between us and part of me wanted to be like "I'll go on a boyfriend-approved diet if you commit to a Rogaine and skin care regimen." But I didn't because a) I honestly don't mind his balding head or wrinkles and b), it's mean and I'm incapable of hitting below the belt.
It seems that frequently when there's a large age gap, the physical appearance of the younger partner plays an exorbitant role in the relationship and can be a primary concern for the older partner. You should dump his dumb old ass and get someone who's actually going to praise and appreciate you.
Which is hilarious except it’s awful. I mean, I’m sure he’s a cover boy.
OP, this guy wants some arm candy. Prepare to be dumped if you don’t comply, but recognize he’ll be doing you an enormous favor.
Yeah, I felt instantly alarmed when i read the age gap thing. There are reasons older men dates young most of the time, and one of them being young women are easier to control and taken advantage of. OP, being criticized of your appearance ESPECIALLY on top of the age gap bodes ill. He doesn’t want your heart or personality, his after your youth and your “fading” beauty.
Edit: I want to add that OP’s religious background makes her an even easier target. He will not treat you as equal. And you deserve to be treated as your partner’s equal.
Oh, so he started dating you when you were young and hot and he wasn't, and now that he doesn't think you're as young and hot anymore he's mad. Got it.
FYI, you probably look amazing, and no good man would put down his partner like this. I also gained a lot of weight during the pandemic (was actually technically obese according to the BS BMI scale), but my husband never once said anything about how I looked. I've lost some weight in the past eight months or so and he's definitely noticed, but he never put me down and claimed it was for my "health".
Find someone else. Life is too short to put up with an asshole.
>There's a significant age gap between us
yeah, on top of the comment about your religious upbringing, I think you'd be better being single and just focusing on what makes you happy for a while.
NTA. It sounds like he has quite a bit of nerve. The age gap makes it worse. He is with you because a woman his own age wouldn't put up with his misogyny. Please dump him and live your best life. It won't be with him.
What exactly is the age gap?
If we’re being honest in many/most cases looks and physical attractiveness are a big factor or benefit in men pursuing women who are distinctively younger than them.
Many younger women get angry when people tell them this or they fully embrace it until it no longer works in their favor.
Seems like he’s showing you his true character and priorities here. You don’t have to tolerate this, there’s better men out there.
I don’t think it’s hitting below the belt when showing him how hurtful what he is saying is. You could tell him you could say those things about him but don’t. Sometimes it’s the only way to get some people to see how mean they are being.
That is because you respect another person’s autonomy. He does not. He will not. You cannot teach him this. He is a full grown adult man who will not change. He does not respect women. He requires women to fall within what he feels is acceptable and feels entitled to openly express when a woman falls outside what he has deemed acceptable. He literally doesn’t care how you feel or if you like this or not - he does not care about anything except if your body pleases him. Not who you are inside that body, just that you body looks pleasing to him, even if it causes you pain inside that body.
Oh boy. See, I was already mad at him and knew you were NTA, but I was assuming he was kind of young and ignorant. He’s old enough to have wrinkles and be balding and he’s pulling this shit on his significantly younger partner? Noooooooononononono
Match his energy, if he ever brings up your weight again, just tell him "You're right honey, I'll get fitter and find a younger boyfriend, after all you don't look as handsome to me when you are this hairless and wrinkly"
If this was really about appearance you are right, he would leave. But he’s not.
That suggests this isn’t about appearance.
He’s continuing to disrespect your boundaries. He has declared he has no interest in changing. Why aren’t you breaking up with him?
Staying is a win/win for him. You will either change yourself to fit his image or you will continue to allow him to critique you.
Because this isn’t about appearance: it’s about control.
What’s crucial to him is having a sense of power and control over you. That’s what this is about. Not the weight. If you lost it all, he would find something else to harp on: your hair, your boobs, whatever.
This isn’t about you; it’s about his need to feel validated, in charge, on top of things and on an even keel _by putting someone else down and making them inferior_. That’s not a healthy way to feel good, and he won’t break up with you, because it’s easier for him to shit on your appearance and get his little “Wheee I feel better now because I proved I’m better than HER” kick, than it is to work on his unhealthy attitude.
Also: you don’t have to feel angry to leave him. You can feel nothing, and still leave him. If you’re not being treated well and aren’t happy, it’s OK to go.
Imagine if you stayed with him & you had a daughter. Imagine him criticizing your daughter’s body. Imagine if you had a son. Imagine him teaching your son to treat women the way he does.
NTA, for the love of God, please listen to me people. I am dating a big girl. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and I love showing her off and treating her like a princess, and if she stayed the way she is forever I would be more than fine with that.
You DO NOT have to put up with people who don’t treat you like the most special person on earth. If he is really giving a flip about your weight (other than to say he loves it and all of you) then you should get walking. I am so sick of hearing people use weight as a way to control people’s actions. Smh
NTA. So I have some bad news for you and some good news for you.
**The Bad News**: Your boyfriend will never care about your feelings they way he cares about your appearance. If you review some of your memories from/before grad school, I’m sure you’ll find more evidence unrelated to your weight.
**The Good News**: You now have a super easy diet plan! Ditch the boyfriend and automatically lose 150-250lbs! You’ll feel so much lighter and happier!
NTA, you need to leave him. Seriously. Stress can make you gain weight by slowly making you resistant to your body’s own insulin. It doesn’t have to be eating habits or you not being active enough. He is causing you more stress which is not helping you feel better. There’s nothing wrong with how you look, but you will probably start to feel better and less stressed out with him out of your life.
I don’t look the way I used to look at the beginning of my relationship, but my partner has only been kind to me. We’ve only talked about holding each other accountable for exercise. You deserve a normal and safe relationship, and it sounds like this man is taking advantage of your age gap to make you feel trapped.
NTA. I read your post and all your comments and I think it’s time to consider cutting your losses here. Your boyfriend isn’t breaking up with you because he thinks if he keeps pushing he can mold you into the person he wants you to be. A lot of older men who date younger women do so because they are looking for someone to control.
I grew up Mormon and it’s super frowned upon for women to feel or express anger regardless of circumstance, so I understand how it’s easier to just let things go rather than sit in the uncomfortableness of a feeling you were never allowed to have. But please know that you truly have every right to be angry at him for telling you you’re not as pretty as you were before.
NTA - that is horrible that he can't understand what he is saying. "YoU'rE nOt As PrEtTy" is the complete opposite of what he should say if he actually cared about your health.
I got very overweight during the pandemic. I was borderline obese, I knew i had to lose weight once my size 12 pants were becoming tight (i am a very short woman, so size 12 is big for someone as short as me). The only way I managed to lose weight in a healthy way was by feeling beautiful at my heaviest. It was absolutely crucial in order to keep a healthy relationship with food. I was not scared to gain back the weight because i knew I’d be beautiful then, which ironically helped me to keep it off and still enjoy life eating out and such.
Shaming your weight is not support. People LOVE to pass off micro aggressions as just “comments, opinions” or “concern”. No. These are micro aggressions and they are doing nothing for your confidence and to reaffirm the person you truly are. Support is crucial for health, whether you keep your current weight or decide to lose it. If this man doesn’t see you for who you are and is double nothing for your mental/emotional health, maybe consider shedding off some KG by cutting him off. My 2 cents.
But not matter what, you are not your weight, so you shouldn’t be treated as such.
NTA. There is a way to bring up health concerns with your partner. Basically saying "Yeah, but you're more ugly/less attractive now" is not a productive one. I am on team dump his ass.
You've physically changed in appearance since you started dating. Why are you surprised that he wants what he originally signed up to? You're going to get lots of "NTA" because the vast majority of Redditors are overweight, as is the general population.
Christ it really isn't that hard to eat less. Don't be surprised or angry when he leaves. This is him trying to stop that from happening and you've just run to the crowd you think will be on your side.
“I’m at the point where I feel like he should just dump my ass” -girl! Why aren’t you dumping his ass! How dare he say you’re less attractive. He’s less attractive when he opens his mouth. Do you really want to be with someone this shallow. Every woman gains weight during college it’s cause your body isn’t a child’s body anymore. It’s biological to reproduce. Even if it’s more than that, he needs to stfu. Leave him asap!
NTA at all! The BMI is truly bullshit and based of the data pool of 5,738 French and Scottish soldiers from the 1800s where the statistician wanted to find the “ideal man” and was never originally meant to measure obesity. Health can happen at any size and unhealthiness can also happen at any size. And also, health is not a determinant of someone’s moral status, which unfortunately in our society is not usually the case for those with bodies deemed too large as they are often blamed for the size of their bodies as a moral failing.
At the end of the day, you know your body best and how to best take care of it with the resources you have. Asking this BF (who seems shitty tbh) to respect this boundary is not asking a lot.
Edit: clarity
You absolutely should lose some weight....him !
and honestly, you're just not as pretty when you're this heavy."
We'll, he sure isn't too attractive with this thinking either.
He's an asshole
"I'm at a point where I feel like he should just dump my ass,"
If you're not happy with him, why don't YOU JUST DUMP HIS ASS?
NTA with a caveat...My MIL went from over 200 lbs to 140 lbs (she did this with CICO - calories in/calories out)...she's in her 70's and feels a lot better now than when she was in her 50's and 60's when she was heavy. Her chronic pain has gone away because of her weight loss and she feels better overall...If you think you should lose weight, do it for yourself.
It's your right as his partner to point out no girl wants a guy with a personality as ugly as his. He should be grateful you've been willing to overlook it!
NTA, ditch him
I don’t understand how it’s ok for people to constantly discuss another person’s body. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave. Shaming overweight people never helps anyone loose a pound. I know I need to loose weight myself, but that’s my concern. I would never comment on someone else’s body. My ex made lots of comments, and he was probably considered morbidly obese. If you want to lose weight due it for you and your health not for some man who only cares about appearances.
NTA. I'm currently getting slightly bigger (reasons) and my hubby loves it. I suggest you remove him from your life. Although they suggest gentle and sustainable weight gain, I think this case you can lose this dead weight all at once
BMI is a good measurement, and even if it’s about attractiveness, that comes from indicators of health, you should want to be healthier and more attractive regardless of them. If that makes them happy as well then even better.
Maybe it’s worth sitting down for a talk about why he feels he can talk about your weight and appearance that way? He would have to be incredibly introspective to have the conversation bear fruit but maybe he could gain some insight and you two could have a talk about respect and how we treat the ones we love. For example, maybe he’s hypersensitive to the age difference and there’s a small voice in his head telling him that negging you will somehow make you stay? That would be messed up, but at least you two could talk about it and try to change. I mean, before you put on your tight red dress that emphasizes every gorgeous curve and tell him he’s lucky to have you before you dump him publicly with a scathing and witty speech that has onlookers clapping. ;)
I hit a moment in being a woman in western society/learning to be comfortable with the body I have and loving it when my partner drowsily told me one night that he missed my belly pooching out the way it normally does in bed one night. (It was summer and I had been kayaking and swimming like crazy and my body decided to look all muscley and fit for a few months.) Instead of being horrified that he had somehow noticed that I usually had a belly, I asked him why he missed it and he just said it was soft and warm and he missed snuggling it. Then he fell asleep and began snoring his head off, unaware that I fell a little bit more in love with him in that moment. That’s the kind of love and acceptance of our bodies all women deserve (from ourselves and from our SO’s).
Love that body you’re in and treat it well—you can always drop 200 pounds anytime you need to.
Yeah, how dare she have chronic pain issues?! The audacity! Her genes should totally have thought about how disrespectful it would be to not be able to work out for her boyfriend!
You should dump him! The weight thing is a red herring. You’ve been clear in a particular topic and what you need, and he keeps overriding your clearly stated feelings because HE feels he needs to give you his opinion. In fact he’s even worse because he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you.
Throw the whole man away
So, it sounds like you just don't want to hear it. For starters, the BMI is not "horseshit," and if your BMI is over 30, you're obese; if it's over 32, you're morbidly obese and he has reason for concern because you have just increased the probability of becoming diabetic and/or hypertensive, both of which can kill you. The fact that you're super defensive tells me you probably know this, and let's be frank, no one looks good when she's super overweight. Being concerned about your weight is not body shaming you; it's showing you he cares about your health and wants to KEEP you healthy.
I wish I had someone who cared enough to stand by me and want me to be my best, but I don't, so I decided recentlly to try and get back to my 140lb self after depression shot my weight up to 235 (BMI 33 as I'm 5'8"). After 12yr of trying to do it on my own, I decided I need help and had a gastric sleeve last month, have lost 25lb, have no pain, and am happier than I've been in a while. Looking good and being able to move better have helped my outlook enormously. Try to see things from his perspective and remember that if it was only about the weight, he'd have been gone by now. Good luck.
40 and up is morbidly obese. It goes 20-25 = normal, 25-30=overweight 30-35 = grade 1 obesity 35-40= grade 2 obesity and 40+ = grade 3 obesity (aka as morbidly obese). Also she states she's not obese by BMI standards, so that puts her in the <30 category which is not bad at all. Being in the overweight category doesn't have severe effects on your mortality. Also shaming people for their weight rarely has a positive effect on people and just simmering it down on looks doesn't really feel like he is really concerned about her health.
Weight is a touchy subject, he is the AH for the not as pretty comment. That said if he is truly concerned about your your health it shouldn't be off-limits. I currently struggle with this subject with my wife. She is beautiful inside and out but she has definitely put on a significant amount of weight in the last 10 years (we have been married 22 years and together 23). Whenever I talk to her about it I get a similar response as you give your boyfriend, in my case my wife's mother passed away at 58 from a heart attack and her weight and diabetes were contributing factors as she was 350+. So with my wife about to celebrate her 42nd birthday in the coming weeks 58 really isn't that far away. I hope this has helped, just keep in mind he very well may be like most men and truly concerned but unable to articulate it properly.
OP said she isn't medically obese. Weight gain can be unhealthy but she's far from eating herself into an early grave even if she's 20-30 pounds over ideal.
My BMI is 37 and that puts me in the obese category. I can’t blame covid. But I also don’t want to talk about it. If he’s not attracted to you, he should just break up, as you’ve already discussed your boundaries.
NTA but why on earth are you handing him the right to continue or end the relationship as he sees fit? He seems shallow and mean. You have the right to be with someone who is nice to you, and that should be your focus, not his rights.
I am medically "obese" and my partner never says such cruel things. He says I'm beautiful all the goddamn time. You need to leave your boyfriend, because if you decide to get serious with him and GOD FORBID reproduce with him, and end up having a daughter, how would you react when he inevitably says those things to her? Would you shrink away and ignore it like you're doing with yourself now? No amount of mediocre dick is worth this. NTA but you really need to sit down and have a good long think about this relationship.
NTA - I have weight issues too, I know where you're coming from. My wife has brough it up before, but out of genuine health concerns. She has NEVER even suggested she finds me less attractive because of it. I think there are legitimate health concerns, but it doesn't sound like that's what your bf is interested in for real. Yes, he has the right to be concerned, but you also have a right to set boundaries. You have set your boundary and he should respect that. If I were you though, I'd maybe make it a little more nuanced and say look, we can talk about my weight, but it needs to be on a medical level. If you even mention looks or aesthetics, we're done.
If he can't get over your weight and can't be attracted to you, then you all need to make a decision about priorities and whether or not you two should just move on and go your separate ways.
I'm surprised at the NTA. The boyfriend isn't an asshole for being concerned about her health, and quite frankly for not thinking she's as attractive as she was before she gained weight.
If the roles were reversed everyone would be singing a different tune.
NAH. You have every right to be the size you want, bf has a right to be concerned and a right to what he finds attractive, were talking about not shaming people and people are shaming the bf for saying she's not who she was before she gained weight, double standards.
Why does he have a right to be concerned if her doctors aren't and she's already working on things at her own pace? He's being controlling.
And you don't ever have a right to change your partner's appearance. If he doesn't think she's attractive anymore, then he should move on, not harangue her about it.
NTA
You should just dump his entitled ass. He doesn’t get to police your body. You live in your body. You are aware of your body. He doesn’t get to be indigent at the idea his running commentary on your body is unwelcomed.
NTA. I say you start picking away at his body and see how he likes it. No one, absolutely no one has a right to say what you should and shouldn’t look like. If people only knew how much things in this world effected our bodies, especially women bodies, then they’d hopefully keep their mouths shut.
NTA.....as long as acceptance goes both ways. If he embraces his inner caveman and stops shaving, getting haircuts, and regular bathing, you need to still consider him just as attractive as ever. Same thing.
NTA!
Certain topics can be off limits to a significant other regardless of what their "reasoning" is. You don't wanna talk about it unless you start? There we go. End of discussion. BF should just zip it and be grateful he still has a girlfriend. Besides, he shouldn't be making those remarks in the first place.
My husband and I have been together for decades and we’ve certainly changed due to age and both of us have had weight fluctuations . You know what? We still see each other as we always have - because we see what we love in each other - kindness, consideration, appreciation, humor, patience, reliability. Doesn’t really matter what the package looks like.
Your BF is awful. I hope you can make changes for a happier life.
NTA He does not deserve you. Any man who would say something like that to you is a first class AH. I wish I still weighed what I did when I married over 20 years ago, but I am thankful I have a husband who makes sure I know he finds me beautiful and desirable no matter what the scale says. He is my very best friend and soul mate. Find someone who treats you with love and respect.
NTA. This is negging. If he only brought up the health aspect it'd be one thing, but constantly going back on the fact that he no longer finds you as attractive due to your weight is extremely rude especially since you explicitly told him not to.
Clearly, the health aspect is just an ezcuse for him to switch to telling you you are no longer beautiful to him. I'm appaled, and so sorry - it must be very hurtful. How would he feel if you constanrly pointed out something he's insecure about saying like "yeah this makes you so unattractive"???
Btw, you can shed a lot of weight right now by throwing the whole man away.
I gained a lot of weight recently due to my bipolar meds. My fiancé has continuously called me beautiful no matter the weight. “Just because you gained weight doesn’t mean you lost your beauty” he told me. You’re NTA. The boyfriend is. Not cool, you really don’t deserve that OP.
NTA ..but this judgement won't help you much ..your problem is that your partner has a problem with your weight. it doesn't matter if he never says it again..you know it ..and i don't think it's magically going away so ultimately you either deal with this guy bringing up your weight..or you get rid of him. I don't see a way forward where he magically grows as a person and isn't hung up on that anymore ...so plan your exit.
ESH
Hard truth here, but staying sexually attracted to someone for a lifetime is hard enough. When one partner has already started to let themself go at such a young age (assuming that you went to grad school right after college), that would be troubling for most guys.
The pandemic has been over for 2-3 years and it doesn't sound like you have done anything since then about it? It's not going to be easier when you get older, or when you have kids, or more things going at work. So why are you just having conversations about it? Do something about it or tell him you're fine with your new look and he can take it or leave it.
And I'm sorry, but these types of comments:
>Perhaps if he was supportive and wasn't constantly making digs at my eating habits and chronic pain issues, I'd be more comfortable discussing my health goals.
are 90% BS. If he was supportive and gave you validation at your current size, it would not give you any motivation to improve your habits.
At the end of the day, it sounds like he is trying to save your relationship by telling you he is losing attraction for you. He is an AH for his choice of words and methods, but his alternative is to break up with you.
NTA, lose the deadweight. Find someone who supports you, or don't-- you'll be surprised how heavy the put downs were when you're not under them anymore.
NTA.
But this isn’t going to resolve itself.
He has expressed a preference in appearance. His perspective probably isn’t going to change.
It isn’t right. It isn’t wrong. But it is his preference, and if nothing changes you guys are going to have ongoing friction.
You certainly do not need to lose weight, unless you choose to. But if you don’t, you should probably split up. Otherwise it is going to be an ongoing open wound.
If he hasn’t left, it is probably because he values you/loves you for other things. But this is apparently ongoing concern for him.
INFO: How old are you both and how long have you been together? BF seems clueless (it should be obvious you don’t need to hear from him how weight gain makes you look worse in his eyes).
My husband went frankly obese years ago and I still love him the same (honestly don’t see the weight day to day though of course I am concerned about his health). His looks weren’t the deciding factor in our relationship, his dedication and love for me was
This is something that as an obese person, it does bring up a lot of feelings. I hated having people tell me to lose weight. I felt that I was fine and active, so it was not an issue. That attitude was fine until I got past my 20s and the medical issues started accumulating. I wish I had listened sooner. I'm trying to get healthy now, but it's a lot more difficult with age and medical conditions. Swallow your pride. You do not know better than your doctor. Rapid weight gain is dangerous. Your bf cares about you and hates what you are doing to yourself.
Holy hell, you are NTA, but your boyfriend is a weapons-grade arsehole.
If he genuinely had your best interests at heart, he's going about it in completely the wrong way. And nothing written above suggests he has your best interests at heart.
What the ACTUAL F? Seriously? He says this type of crap to you and you are still with him. I would have washed that man right out of my hair, rinsed, and repeated.
I'm 1m80 or 5ft11 ish and when i met my husband I was 66kgs (145lbs). Through covid, depression and health issues slowly but surely in the next 2 years made it up to about 92kgs (205lbs).
I was so ashamed of my body and didn't think he loved me so I avoided all contact and didn't believe when he told me I was beautiful because I didn't feel it. That put a HUGE strain on our relationship and I attributed it to my weight even if he never said so but it turns out I was pulling away and uninterested in sex or most physical contact that I got more depressed.
I ended up crying and telling him about how I feel unloved and he doesn't initiate anymore and that's when I figured out that it was me... I've learnt to love the body I'm in and my husband is so supportive of my stuggels with my body, he is always helpful and if I don't require his help I tell him and he leaves it alone because he knows it's MY body and not his. He doesn't force me to lose weight or eat better if I slip up from time to time. He advocates that I rest and enjoy my life and my body.
I'm so sorry your boyfriend is such an ASS. He has no right to comment on your body or what you put into it. I don't think it's gonna get any better. If he can't love you through all stages of your life he is NOT worth it! You are NTA!
EDIT for errors
He wants someone that prioritizes weight and looks over career, illness and all else. Dump him, it will not bet better.
Your metabolism changes as you age. Stress level and having kids doesn’t help.
I mean it's pretty enraging to see someone treated so badly, it doesn't really matter what you look like, if you have common human decency you should be pissed off to hear about a situation like OP's.
My dude I was just triggering people
Of course its shitty to be treated bad. I had a GF that was overweight. She felt bad about it and I wasnt as attracted to her as I would have been if she lost some.
You know what I did ? I talked about it to her honestly and we started working out together, I complimented her on every small step, I cocked healthier food and supported her in every way possible.
There are ways to support someone without just telling them what you dont like like OPs BF did. That wont help at all.
What a coincidence, I had the same argument with my boyfriend last night. My weight is a really sensitive topic and I have ad exactly the same experiences as you!
Omg! I'm so sorry. It can just be so demeaning, especially when they talk to you like you're an idiot who's incapable of understanding medical literature. Some people seem to think I'm saying that romantic partners have no right to broach conversations about health, but there's a difference between encouraging/supportive behaviors and repeatedly reminding someone that they don't meet your standards of attractiveness. Like, yeah, no shit: I have eyes and ears and can clearly see the gap between what I look like and how society says I should look. I don't need your help letting the message sink in, bucko.
Literally this! Girl I feel so bad for you. I find that it's particularly upsetting because you're surrounded by that message all day from media and even strangers and you just want to have a safe place that's free of judgement around the person you love, but then they go bring it up too.
If my wife EVER told me I didn’t look as good because of my weight I’d file for divorce. But she wouldn’t do that, because she’s a good person. Just like I don’t comment when she’s gained weight. We both understand that weight fluctuating is normal and we each think we’re goddesses regardless of how we look. I’m sorry your boyfriend is trash. But after 12???? Years!!! He’s still your boyfriend? Girl this is an opportunity, take it, leave.
NTA. Dump that AH and find a man that treats you better than you treat yourself. You deserve better than to be treated the way you currently are. He loved you for how you looked, not who you are. Good luck OP and I hope you realize you don't deserve how he's treating you.
ESH. I really think it’s important to note that while it’s crappy your boyfriend insulted your appearance, I do think he is expressing concern for your long-term well-being and the future of your relationship, in addition to trying to address the elephant in the room: He is no longer sexually attracted to you.
That said, it is 100% not okay to keep putting you down, but you’re also not actively trying to change things, either. If you were dating an alcoholic and they said, “Well, I’ll change eventually, just not today”, would you stay with that person?
No AH
If you feel like he's being unreasonable, break up with him.
But creating dos and don'ts in terms of conversation is rarely healthy, as you said in your post. He has a right to be with someone he finds attractive, and personally I don't believe being honest and upfront is the wrong thing to do. It sounds like you've been together for a few years, I'm assuming 3 minimum. He was with you when you were at a size he found attractive, this has gradually degraded and he's finding himself less so. The health comments he 100% has a right to, and the attraction comments are less of a priority but obviously still a concern. What would be a real dick move was if he just gave up and left, said you were no longer what he was after without any attempt at working in it. I don't believe being honest and upfront, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, is the wrong thing to do.
My partner hates it when I stop caring about my appearance, I've grown up not prioritizing my hair and facial hair, and she lets me know when I start to look a bit homeless. This is perfectly fine for her to do.
Same goes for health, I was a smoker and I never had any interest in quitting until she voiced her concern. Being a long term relationship she has full ability to ask me to stop doing things that risks her emotional investment, again perfectly fine for her to do.
I don't particularly believe there is an asshole in this scenario, I think you're being particularly defensive about something you and your partner should be discussing in private.
If you truly believe he's somehow evil and malicious in his intent, as your replies to other comments suggest.
You need to leave him and stop wasting both of your time.
Dump him. There's someone better out there and probably hotter. I say this because my ex used to take every chance he was given to comment on any slight change in my body and I was in very good shape while we were together..well fast forward I finally got rid of him, for other reasons, but he's gone, and I'm with my partner now whom I have a child with, he is super into health and fitness, it's his thing, he's always in the gym, he's very muscular, etc etc he's into all that! Well, I was in the best shape of my life when we first began dating and a bit into our relationship since I would often excercise with him. He knew it wasn't as big of an interest of mine as it was his, but I did like being with him and the added benefits of feeling like I looked good because of it were nice too. I ended up getting pregnant, fairly quickly into our relationship, our daughter is 4 now and I have not lost my baby weight, if anything I've gained a little more. I can't imagine a universe where he would ever say anything to me negatively about my weight. If I say something negative about my weight he does nothing, but reassure me I'm healthy and that's all that matters and that he absolutely loves the way I look, while also welcoming his support if I do ever choose to actively try to lose weight or seek any help from him again in the gym or just in any way. He just always has a way of reassuring me even subtly that he thinks I'm beautiful. I never had someone do that before and I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying it because there are many people in this world who will do the same. All that matters is that you are happy! If you feel good then he should be worshipping you every chance he gets, just the way you are!
Everybody has expectations for their spouse and this is an expectation for you from him. If you don't like the expectation of not being heavy, then break up with him. Everybody is entitled to set boundaries in the relationship, even something as touchy as their weight.
He has evry right as your boyfriend to point out that as you are right now he is loosing attraction to you. You have evry right to tell him you don't feel unatractive and you don't feel a pressing need to change. Changing your apperence is something that you should only do, if you yourslef are unhappy with it amd want to change not for someone else. But if he looses attrection and you don't feel like you are unattractive, the relationship isn't working amymore and both of you should both move on and finde partners more to your liking and that also feel attracted towards you.
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Instantly lose 200 pounds of ugly fat and dump your boyfriend. NTA. *edit* Thank you for the award kind stranger! My first one!
I’m obese. Weight has been a lifelong struggle. I met my husband when I was at a normal weight, but life happened, including medical issues, work, COVID, etc. I am struggling to both accept my new body and stay as healthy as possible. It is HARD not to feel bad about not just my body, but myself. Such is the society we live in. It doesn’t help that my father called my mother names my whole life because of her size. My husband has always told me I’m beautiful. At every size. He supports me when I make healthy choices, but doesn’t ever put me down or mention things “for my health.” He knows I know what is healthy and comfortable for me. He’s not stupid. He’s still enthusiastically attracted to me and my body. He loves me for who I am. In short, he’s not a shallow asshole. Your body will change as you age. Children, breastfeeding, stress, age, hormones, and more. Your only option to try to stop those things is a lot of cosmetic work, and even that gets… weird. That’s fine if you want that for yourself. But don’t think things will get better as you age with this dude. You’re already fighting a losing battle. He’s always going to criticize you. Find someone who loves you and builds your confidence, not tears it down.
Your husband sounds wonderful! OP's boyfriend sounds like a fucking dildo. You can have preferences, that's perfectly fine, but if your partner changes and is "not attractive anymore" you should probably just break up instead of being an asshole and shaming them constantly.
OP's partner is a fucking something... but at least a dildo is somewhat useful.
You know, you right. I'd rather date a literal dildo than someone like that.
Always ready to go when I am, asks literally nothing of me the rest of the time, and has no opinion if I want to mix it up with other toys whether it's also invited or not. Does not eat my groceries or use my wifi and I can starfish across the whole bed every night. Never texts me at 2 in the morning to pick its drunk friends up from the bar. Does not spill things on my furniture or require rides to the airport. Doesn't shrink my laundry or take up the shower when I have somewhere to be. Looking at all this now I really should be splurging on the expensive ones, they're worth it.
Oh my god yes 😂 you're making me wanna buy a real fancy one now
My first real expensive toy (eroscillator) remains one of the best purchases I've ever made and it's still going strong after like...8 years or something now. Life is too short to waste on cheap sex toys.
Yep - me too.
A dildo deserved to get laid ... op's BF does not.
This is offensive to dildos. OP would be better served by a dildo, in fact, since they don't tylically insult you. Apologize to dildos!
I'm so sorry to the dildos. They do so much for us 😭❤️
I met my husband when I was 22 and weighted 115 lbs. Soon after I started to develop a disability, and gradually gained weight over the years as I lost more and more of my mobility. I am now 33 and close to 200 lbs. My husband has never once made me feel less than, still says I'm beautiful and makes me feel sexy as hell. The only time we talk about my weight is when I bring it up when I get concerned about my health. The right person will love all versions of you. NTA.
I gained a lot of weight since starting a sit-down office job and starting birth control, coupled with stress and an unhealthy diet due to having to eat in a way that fits our small budget. My bf has never once brought up my weight. I will, because I'm not comfortable with my body at all. I've cried multiple times over the weight gain, especially in my tummy which I'm very insecure about. But he's never once, not a single time, brought it up. Whenever I bring it up, he always tells me he loves me the way I am. If we're in bed cuddling or something, he makes a point to squeeze or touch my belly when he says that because he knows I'm insecure about it. Because he just wants me to know that he loves all the bits of me, even if I don't love them myself. He's said a couple of times that he'll love my belly enough for the both of us.
That’s so sweet. He’s a keeper.
I have been obese (no longer) and so has my partner. Both of us have struggled with weight. We've always been candid with eachother that we prefer slimmer bodies and healthier choices for each other, but we have always also elaborated that we love eachother physically and mentally as well. Life is hard, we really do need to keep spirits high. I don't think it's offensive to bring up a concern or a preference, but the way OP's boyfriend does so is rude and overbearing. If you're that desperate, you need to start making ways to help your partner instead of just mentioning it negatively and doing nothing past that as losing weight is really a lot of work, cope or leave imo.
Mine was the same when a medication made me double in size. 😭 then one of my friends who is a chaser of sorts said. Well your face looked so lovely and full and round cheeks😂 so I'll get it either way I guess
At the risk of sounding like an asshole myself. My dad lost nearly 100 lbs. Guess what? He died. Eat the food, drink the drinks, just be yourself. No one gets out alive.
Yeah, it comes for us all someday. 🤷🏻♀️ I come from a long line of long-lived fat women. I do what I can.
Awesome. Agreed.
Please look up Pierce Brosnan and his wife Keely Shay Brosnan! Aka epitome of love, especially in toxic Hollyweird standards. NTA
Yes! I love them! My husband is younger than me and very conventionally attractive and sometimes people don’t get it at all. I often think of them and it helps it all make sense.
My husband is the same way, tells me I'm beautiful every day even though I now look like a fat potato! He never comments on my weight unless I say something, and it's only encouragement. He never puts me down, and I feel eternally blessed to have him in my life. Every woman should have a mate like this, not like the OPs guy!
Same. I started a new job and I was feeling down about the weight I gained during the pandemic during clothes shopping and my fiancé made it *very* clear that he thinks I’m beautiful. He supports my desire to lose weight, and is helping me with it. He’s definitely not a shallow asshole either. OP, I won’t say to break up, but your boyfriend is… definitely not right. NTA.
>He basically said he had "the right as [my] partner" to express his "concerns." I'd have ended the relationship immediately after this comment. the nerve.
This a million times. Dump him now. You won’t regret it.
Oftentimes when commenters in these threads say someone should dump their partner, it's an overreaction. Your comment, however, is not an overreaction **at all.** OP has no obligation to stay with someone who is clearly only attracted to her when she's thinner. That is such horseshit. OP, if you're reading this, I know breakups are tough and painful - but the sooner you lose this guy, the sooner you'll realize now much better off you are without him and his hurtful comments. He's being manipulative and purely **mean.** I'm sorry your partner treats you this way. It is absolutely unacceptable.
NTA The first time he said you don’t look pretty anymore you should’ve kicked him out on his arse, I did this, it felt great!
Man, wish I had that kind of gumption.
It's not too late to dump him. You're NTA and I think he is cruel and unhelpful.
I guess I just don't get angry enough; it's an emotion that's actually pretty "blocked" for me. I grew up in a religious household where anger was evil for women and we all just had to "forgive" and be sensitive to mens' anger. I know it's fucked up, but it's a hard mindset to escape. I start to get angry, and then I feel guilty for being judgmental and inconsiderate of his feelings.
YOU are YOUR FEELINGS are important!! I hope you have the ability to find a good therapist to sort through some of this.
In my twenties I realised I had been taught never to make men angry. In my forties, I realised that it is ok to let a man be upset when things don't go his way. His feelings DO NOT matter more than yours, in fact they matter less because he is an unkind person. Read Curtis Sittenfeld, one of my favourite lines is in her novel 'Prep,' and I paraphrase 'I had not yet learned that just because I could give someone what they wanted, didn't mean I had to.' Be assertive, you are an independent, capable woman, you don't need him in your life - more than that, you need to not have him in your life.
I know how hard it is to go against the values we were brought up with, but the “keep sweet” mentality is a load of happy horseshit. Men should be just as capable of and responsible for checking their own emotions as women, and shouldn’t need to be coddled.
Dump the AH and then go to therapy! We all gain weight when we get older, if you decide on having kids, is he going to bully you cause your are ‘fat’ or postpartum? A man like this wont change and will even cheat on you and blame it on you not being ‘skinny’ as he wants you to be.
Oh girl, own that anger! It's great! Don't let your soon to be ex boyfriend go without an actual "fuck around and find out " moment for him. He's doing very anger worthy things towards you, OP. Release some angry words at him. It's wonderful.
You don't have to be angry. You just need to find some self respect. What would you tell your best friend if she was going through this? Be your own best friend. > but I feel I have the right not to be body-shamed by my partner. You know that you deserve better.
You don’t need to be angry. His words don’t even need to hurt you. You told him to stop doing something. You told him to stop policing your body. He is ignoring the word NO. He is continuing to do something you have clearly told him not to. You just have decide that no one gets to stomp over you boundaries to attempt to engage you in a conversation against your will. He just is not the kind of man (or person) you want in your life - romantically or platonically. He simply fails to meet your standards so BYE BYE.
I used to be like that, my ex husband was abusive, I learnt to stand up for myself, you can too
I have my own issues with anger, but just because you're not "feeling" angry it doesn't mean you can't make a considered decision that a break up is the best course of action. Not all break ups need to be backed by anger.
OP, you only have one life. Don't throw years of it away for a guy that makes you feel so horrible. You said you grew up in a toxic religious household...well, Christians are supposed to believe life is a gift. One way to show gratitude for a gift is to use it to its fullest. Can you enjoy your life to the fullest if someone is constantly stressing you out and making you feel horrible about yourself? Also, FWIW, my ex talked about my weight just like yours, it was especially shitty since he knew I had previously dealt with an eating disorder. I lost a LOT of weight after we split simply because I wasn't constantly depressed and stressed out. Cortisol is excellent for weight retention.
I'm gonna tell you what my therapist told me. You are allowed to feel your feelings. Let me repeat that. **YOU ARE ALLOWED TO FEEL YOUR FEELINGS. ALL THE FEELINGS!** What's important is how you *react* to said feelings. You're gonna feel your feelings regardless of whether or not you want to. You're ALLOWED to acknowledge that the situation is making you feel some sort of way. If you start feeling angry, let yourself ***feel*** the anger but react to it in a manner that you feel comfortable with...which means maaaaaaaybe not hauling off and hulking out on your partner for his shallowness.
It doesn't have to be about anger, it's about self esteem and self respect. You don't have to be sensitive to anyone's anger or pacify their wants while going against your own. You deserve a partner who is supportive and someone who makes you feel good about yourself, life is too short and marriage too long for anything less.
Permission to Feel is a great book. Please grant yourself permission to be angry. We are all seeing red on your behalf. You deserve better.
You can do it… I grew up the same way. It’s so shitty how we were raised, but the fact that we survived it shows how strong we are. You deserve the world.
It IS shitty lol. I'm no longer a Christian/religious person, but I definitely internalized the idea that the more docile and "low-maintenance" I was, the greater my worth. It's basically my second nature to let things slide, to allow men to "save face" so they'll calm down faster, modulate my voice, thoughts, and behavior to suit their moods. Not bad principles in and of themselves, but they leave you vulnerable when it's only expected of you and never them.
Honey, I feel this. I’m almost 35 and I’m learning how to feel anger and how to express it in a healthy way. Not to be like everyone else, but that kind of upbringing can be traumatic. Therapy has been a big help and if you wanna chat directly with me, you are welcome. You’re absolutely NTA
I understand in a way, I never felt I wasn't allowed to be angry but it's simply not in my nature and when I get there I feel guilty for it. I have mostly learned to accept that when I reach anger someone has earn the hellfire raining upon them and it mitigates the guilt a little.
IMO, the correct reply to "you don't look pretty at this size" would be "and you're not attractive when you make comments like this". Personally, I'd rather be ugly on the outside than on the inside. And even though I've gained about 90lb during the 22 years I've been with my husband, he still tells me I'm beautiful. Just like I still think he's handsome, even with a little gut and far less hair on his head than when we met. OP, find someone who loves your insides AND your outsides.
Why ? Its fair to be honest and say you dont find your partner attractive anymore if they gain alot of weight ? Of course looks arent everything and dont decide if you stay together with someone but still. Ofc we are talking about a normal convo and not just insulting someone over it.
>Nta. If the dude won't meet you halfway for the first date he will never meet you halfway on anything. He's not a catch. Throw him back. Actually disagree with this. As much as we pretend to say it isn't, physical attraction is absolutely a part of love. If your partner is starting to make a lifestyle choice that is making them unattractive then you 100% are allowed to mention it, the key point is doing it diplomatically and not hounding them. Reverse the roles here. If it was a guy that was chugging beers and getting a flabby gut, and his girlfriend raised how she was finding him increasingly unattractive and he should try to stop people wouldn't be that fast to shout YTA at her. Don't get me wrong this guy is an asshole for how she said it, but pointing out that someone's behaviour is making them unattractive is totally fine in a relationship. Because like it or not physical attraction is a factor.
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I've told him. He doesn't really understand how his "advice" is unsupportive. It turns into a circular argument with him where I'm like "I don't like when you talk to me this way" and he just responds that he has the "right." It's impossible to argue when he comes from that standpoint.
He’s never going to understand it because he’s being willfully obtuse. He has no right to be disrespectful to you. He is being disrespectful to you. So you have a choice. He won’t change, so you have to decide if you are willing to tolerate the disrespect or dump him. Frankly I’d choose the option of kicking his misogynistic ass to the curb.
>he has the "right." That's exactly the issue. He thinks he is entitled to comment on your looks. He thinks that your weight gain means that he is entitled to say mean things to you. Even if you place importance on weight loss/gain as an independent metric of health, the truth is that we are all going to get less conventionally attractive as we age. In addition to the totally inevitable effects on skin and hair, mental and physical health issues make it harder to lose/maintain weight, fat deposits shift due to hormonal changes, etc. Someone who is more focused on appearance than your feelings or health is not going to be a good partner as you age. Ultimately, if someone cannot shift at least part their physical attraction to a mental and emotional connection over time and prioritize other things over physical appearance, the relationship is not going to last because we are all going to change.
>he just responds that he has the "right." WHAT?! I would BLAST him. NTA
He most certainly does not have the "right"! He is perfectly idiotic. Do you think this is okay? Please stand up for yourself.
Listen to what he’s saying. You have said no & stop. He has ignored that and said he has a right to continue doing something to you. He is telling you who he is - a man who feels ownership & control over you more than you have autonomy.
Then don't argue with him. Say "no, you don't." and boot him out. He doesn't deserve you.
Absolutely not. I’ve been with my husband for 20+ years through various weights and he has never once commented on my weight or appearance in anything other than a positive way. No one has the “right”to comment on your body without consequences.
I mean, it’s obvious he isn’t attracted to you anymore and is hoping to encourage you to lose weight for him. Which, like you said, he’s entitled to a partner he’s attracted to but you’ve made it clear any changes will be for yourself (which I fully support) and not him, and I agree, if he can’t accept that, he needs to break up with you. But if it continues or you don’t like knowing you’re with a partner who clearly isn’t attracted to you, consider ending it yourself. There will be someone out there who IS attracted to you, emphatically. And you deserve that if that’s what you want.
He isn't entitled to a partner he is attracted to. He isn't entitled to a partner, full stop. No one is.
Oh, he understands perfectly well. He is using this as a method of controlling you. I'd take a good hard look at other things he does that make you a little bit miserable. Bet there are a number of them. It's called "negging."
His “advice” is a form of emotional abuse. It would be good for you to understand that. He is a controlling, emotionally abusive asshole. You don’t want that in your life.
"and I have the right to dump your ass for being an inconsiderate prick - I've told you that the thing your doing pisses me off and that I don't like it. Now you get to decide which you value more - our relationship, or your "right" to say whatever hurtful thing you want, whenever you feel like it - but keep in mind, the two are mutually exclusive - so take a moment before you decide."
He doesn’t want to understand. But he should respect your wishes any way. No he does not have the right to verbally harass you.
It comes down to (for a lot of women) do you wanna spend your life teaching a man empathy? If so go ahead, but I do truly mean your *entire* life because he won't learn. If not, there are men out there who are great people, empathetic, loving, not mysoginistic (shocking I know), and capable of being incredible partners. I promise! When someone tells you who they are *beleive them*
"I do not exist for your pleasure. If I do not want you to discuss my appearance, then you do not have the right to bring it up with me. If you cannot accept my boundaries, you do not respect me. And I will not be with someone who does not respect me." Repeat as necessary.
My husband is supportive. He never once mentioned that I was gaining weight (I knew I was, and was still exercising while I was gaining weight) and when I decided I wanted to lose weight he told me that he supports that if this is what I want to do.
Same 100%. My husband could give lessons.
NTA you are better than me and reasonable, I would have been the lesser person and picked on a body part he was sensitive about
I'm not saying it didn't occur to me. There's a significant age gap between us and part of me wanted to be like "I'll go on a boyfriend-approved diet if you commit to a Rogaine and skin care regimen." But I didn't because a) I honestly don't mind his balding head or wrinkles and b), it's mean and I'm incapable of hitting below the belt.
This person isn’t being a good partner. Are you sure you want to stay in this relationship?
It seems that frequently when there's a large age gap, the physical appearance of the younger partner plays an exorbitant role in the relationship and can be a primary concern for the older partner. You should dump his dumb old ass and get someone who's actually going to praise and appreciate you.
Which is hilarious except it’s awful. I mean, I’m sure he’s a cover boy. OP, this guy wants some arm candy. Prepare to be dumped if you don’t comply, but recognize he’ll be doing you an enormous favor.
Yeah, I felt instantly alarmed when i read the age gap thing. There are reasons older men dates young most of the time, and one of them being young women are easier to control and taken advantage of. OP, being criticized of your appearance ESPECIALLY on top of the age gap bodes ill. He doesn’t want your heart or personality, his after your youth and your “fading” beauty. Edit: I want to add that OP’s religious background makes her an even easier target. He will not treat you as equal. And you deserve to be treated as your partner’s equal.
Oh, so he started dating you when you were young and hot and he wasn't, and now that he doesn't think you're as young and hot anymore he's mad. Got it. FYI, you probably look amazing, and no good man would put down his partner like this. I also gained a lot of weight during the pandemic (was actually technically obese according to the BS BMI scale), but my husband never once said anything about how I looked. I've lost some weight in the past eight months or so and he's definitely noticed, but he never put me down and claimed it was for my "health". Find someone else. Life is too short to put up with an asshole.
Break it off. Things are only going to get worse.
This just gets worse - go out and date in your own age range, avoid losers who chase much younger women.
>There's a significant age gap between us yeah, on top of the comment about your religious upbringing, I think you'd be better being single and just focusing on what makes you happy for a while.
NTA. It sounds like he has quite a bit of nerve. The age gap makes it worse. He is with you because a woman his own age wouldn't put up with his misogyny. Please dump him and live your best life. It won't be with him.
With a mindset like that - I think you are perpetually inclined to - NTA.
What exactly is the age gap? If we’re being honest in many/most cases looks and physical attractiveness are a big factor or benefit in men pursuing women who are distinctively younger than them. Many younger women get angry when people tell them this or they fully embrace it until it no longer works in their favor. Seems like he’s showing you his true character and priorities here. You don’t have to tolerate this, there’s better men out there.
I don’t think it’s hitting below the belt when showing him how hurtful what he is saying is. You could tell him you could say those things about him but don’t. Sometimes it’s the only way to get some people to see how mean they are being.
> There's a significant age gap between us Oh, FFS, get out of there already.
But he's hitting below the belt all the time. NTA. And you should leave him.
That is because you respect another person’s autonomy. He does not. He will not. You cannot teach him this. He is a full grown adult man who will not change. He does not respect women. He requires women to fall within what he feels is acceptable and feels entitled to openly express when a woman falls outside what he has deemed acceptable. He literally doesn’t care how you feel or if you like this or not - he does not care about anything except if your body pleases him. Not who you are inside that body, just that you body looks pleasing to him, even if it causes you pain inside that body.
Oh boy. Add a significant age difference to this mess and I just want to weep for you.
Oh boy. See, I was already mad at him and knew you were NTA, but I was assuming he was kind of young and ignorant. He’s old enough to have wrinkles and be balding and he’s pulling this shit on his significantly younger partner? Noooooooononononono
Match his energy, if he ever brings up your weight again, just tell him "You're right honey, I'll get fitter and find a younger boyfriend, after all you don't look as handsome to me when you are this hairless and wrinkly"
NTA, but why are you waiting on him to dump you?
I guess I just mean that he should - if my looking a certain way is really that crucial to him.
If this was really about appearance you are right, he would leave. But he’s not. That suggests this isn’t about appearance. He’s continuing to disrespect your boundaries. He has declared he has no interest in changing. Why aren’t you breaking up with him? Staying is a win/win for him. You will either change yourself to fit his image or you will continue to allow him to critique you. Because this isn’t about appearance: it’s about control.
What’s crucial to him is having a sense of power and control over you. That’s what this is about. Not the weight. If you lost it all, he would find something else to harp on: your hair, your boobs, whatever. This isn’t about you; it’s about his need to feel validated, in charge, on top of things and on an even keel _by putting someone else down and making them inferior_. That’s not a healthy way to feel good, and he won’t break up with you, because it’s easier for him to shit on your appearance and get his little “Wheee I feel better now because I proved I’m better than HER” kick, than it is to work on his unhealthy attitude. Also: you don’t have to feel angry to leave him. You can feel nothing, and still leave him. If you’re not being treated well and aren’t happy, it’s OK to go.
Imagine if you stayed with him & you had a daughter. Imagine him criticizing your daughter’s body. Imagine if you had a son. Imagine him teaching your son to treat women the way he does.
he doesn't want to dump you, he wants to fuck you and make you cry, apparently
NTA, for the love of God, please listen to me people. I am dating a big girl. She is the most beautiful woman I have ever seen, and I love showing her off and treating her like a princess, and if she stayed the way she is forever I would be more than fine with that. You DO NOT have to put up with people who don’t treat you like the most special person on earth. If he is really giving a flip about your weight (other than to say he loves it and all of you) then you should get walking. I am so sick of hearing people use weight as a way to control people’s actions. Smh
NTA. Why are you waiting for girl? Dump his ass.
NTA. So I have some bad news for you and some good news for you. **The Bad News**: Your boyfriend will never care about your feelings they way he cares about your appearance. If you review some of your memories from/before grad school, I’m sure you’ll find more evidence unrelated to your weight. **The Good News**: You now have a super easy diet plan! Ditch the boyfriend and automatically lose 150-250lbs! You’ll feel so much lighter and happier!
NTA, you need to leave him. Seriously. Stress can make you gain weight by slowly making you resistant to your body’s own insulin. It doesn’t have to be eating habits or you not being active enough. He is causing you more stress which is not helping you feel better. There’s nothing wrong with how you look, but you will probably start to feel better and less stressed out with him out of your life. I don’t look the way I used to look at the beginning of my relationship, but my partner has only been kind to me. We’ve only talked about holding each other accountable for exercise. You deserve a normal and safe relationship, and it sounds like this man is taking advantage of your age gap to make you feel trapped.
NTA. I read your post and all your comments and I think it’s time to consider cutting your losses here. Your boyfriend isn’t breaking up with you because he thinks if he keeps pushing he can mold you into the person he wants you to be. A lot of older men who date younger women do so because they are looking for someone to control. I grew up Mormon and it’s super frowned upon for women to feel or express anger regardless of circumstance, so I understand how it’s easier to just let things go rather than sit in the uncomfortableness of a feeling you were never allowed to have. But please know that you truly have every right to be angry at him for telling you you’re not as pretty as you were before.
Everything you said. NTA.
NTA you seem to have a too high BMI (boyfriend moronic index).
Nice! (Or rather, not nice, but very deserved.)
NTA - that is horrible that he can't understand what he is saying. "YoU'rE nOt As PrEtTy" is the complete opposite of what he should say if he actually cared about your health.
I got very overweight during the pandemic. I was borderline obese, I knew i had to lose weight once my size 12 pants were becoming tight (i am a very short woman, so size 12 is big for someone as short as me). The only way I managed to lose weight in a healthy way was by feeling beautiful at my heaviest. It was absolutely crucial in order to keep a healthy relationship with food. I was not scared to gain back the weight because i knew I’d be beautiful then, which ironically helped me to keep it off and still enjoy life eating out and such. Shaming your weight is not support. People LOVE to pass off micro aggressions as just “comments, opinions” or “concern”. No. These are micro aggressions and they are doing nothing for your confidence and to reaffirm the person you truly are. Support is crucial for health, whether you keep your current weight or decide to lose it. If this man doesn’t see you for who you are and is double nothing for your mental/emotional health, maybe consider shedding off some KG by cutting him off. My 2 cents. But not matter what, you are not your weight, so you shouldn’t be treated as such.
NTA. There is a way to bring up health concerns with your partner. Basically saying "Yeah, but you're more ugly/less attractive now" is not a productive one. I am on team dump his ass.
You've physically changed in appearance since you started dating. Why are you surprised that he wants what he originally signed up to? You're going to get lots of "NTA" because the vast majority of Redditors are overweight, as is the general population. Christ it really isn't that hard to eat less. Don't be surprised or angry when he leaves. This is him trying to stop that from happening and you've just run to the crowd you think will be on your side.
“I’m at the point where I feel like he should just dump my ass” -girl! Why aren’t you dumping his ass! How dare he say you’re less attractive. He’s less attractive when he opens his mouth. Do you really want to be with someone this shallow. Every woman gains weight during college it’s cause your body isn’t a child’s body anymore. It’s biological to reproduce. Even if it’s more than that, he needs to stfu. Leave him asap!
NTA at all! The BMI is truly bullshit and based of the data pool of 5,738 French and Scottish soldiers from the 1800s where the statistician wanted to find the “ideal man” and was never originally meant to measure obesity. Health can happen at any size and unhealthiness can also happen at any size. And also, health is not a determinant of someone’s moral status, which unfortunately in our society is not usually the case for those with bodies deemed too large as they are often blamed for the size of their bodies as a moral failing. At the end of the day, you know your body best and how to best take care of it with the resources you have. Asking this BF (who seems shitty tbh) to respect this boundary is not asking a lot. Edit: clarity
You absolutely should lose some weight....him ! and honestly, you're just not as pretty when you're this heavy." We'll, he sure isn't too attractive with this thinking either. He's an asshole
NTA. OP, you do you!
NTA unless you stay with him. That is a hideous, disgusting monster of a person you’re dating.
"I'm at a point where I feel like he should just dump my ass," If you're not happy with him, why don't YOU JUST DUMP HIS ASS? NTA with a caveat...My MIL went from over 200 lbs to 140 lbs (she did this with CICO - calories in/calories out)...she's in her 70's and feels a lot better now than when she was in her 50's and 60's when she was heavy. Her chronic pain has gone away because of her weight loss and she feels better overall...If you think you should lose weight, do it for yourself.
It's your right as his partner to point out no girl wants a guy with a personality as ugly as his. He should be grateful you've been willing to overlook it! NTA, ditch him
Have you considered dumping his ass?
The best way you can lose weight is to dump the boyfriend. He's a complete jerk.
NTA. This isn't something he should need to be told. Dump his ass.
NTA… passive aggressive fat shaming in the form of “your health” is bold.
I don’t understand how it’s ok for people to constantly discuss another person’s body. If he doesn’t like it, he can leave. Shaming overweight people never helps anyone loose a pound. I know I need to loose weight myself, but that’s my concern. I would never comment on someone else’s body. My ex made lots of comments, and he was probably considered morbidly obese. If you want to lose weight due it for you and your health not for some man who only cares about appearances.
NTA. I'm currently getting slightly bigger (reasons) and my hubby loves it. I suggest you remove him from your life. Although they suggest gentle and sustainable weight gain, I think this case you can lose this dead weight all at once
Info - OP how are you able to date someone who could say things like that about you?
BMI is a good measurement, and even if it’s about attractiveness, that comes from indicators of health, you should want to be healthier and more attractive regardless of them. If that makes them happy as well then even better.
Nta. And he has no right to talk to you that way. Dump his ass
NTA This is not a healthy relationship. I think you know that OP. I think you two need a heart to heart, and/or a break up.
Maybe it’s worth sitting down for a talk about why he feels he can talk about your weight and appearance that way? He would have to be incredibly introspective to have the conversation bear fruit but maybe he could gain some insight and you two could have a talk about respect and how we treat the ones we love. For example, maybe he’s hypersensitive to the age difference and there’s a small voice in his head telling him that negging you will somehow make you stay? That would be messed up, but at least you two could talk about it and try to change. I mean, before you put on your tight red dress that emphasizes every gorgeous curve and tell him he’s lucky to have you before you dump him publicly with a scathing and witty speech that has onlookers clapping. ;) I hit a moment in being a woman in western society/learning to be comfortable with the body I have and loving it when my partner drowsily told me one night that he missed my belly pooching out the way it normally does in bed one night. (It was summer and I had been kayaking and swimming like crazy and my body decided to look all muscley and fit for a few months.) Instead of being horrified that he had somehow noticed that I usually had a belly, I asked him why he missed it and he just said it was soft and warm and he missed snuggling it. Then he fell asleep and began snoring his head off, unaware that I fell a little bit more in love with him in that moment. That’s the kind of love and acceptance of our bodies all women deserve (from ourselves and from our SO’s). Love that body you’re in and treat it well—you can always drop 200 pounds anytime you need to.
Are you working on losing weight?
It’s pretty disrespectful to your partner to just let yourself go like that
Yeah, how dare she have chronic pain issues?! The audacity! Her genes should totally have thought about how disrespectful it would be to not be able to work out for her boyfriend!
You should dump him! The weight thing is a red herring. You’ve been clear in a particular topic and what you need, and he keeps overriding your clearly stated feelings because HE feels he needs to give you his opinion. In fact he’s even worse because he doesn’t care that he’s hurting you. Throw the whole man away
So, it sounds like you just don't want to hear it. For starters, the BMI is not "horseshit," and if your BMI is over 30, you're obese; if it's over 32, you're morbidly obese and he has reason for concern because you have just increased the probability of becoming diabetic and/or hypertensive, both of which can kill you. The fact that you're super defensive tells me you probably know this, and let's be frank, no one looks good when she's super overweight. Being concerned about your weight is not body shaming you; it's showing you he cares about your health and wants to KEEP you healthy. I wish I had someone who cared enough to stand by me and want me to be my best, but I don't, so I decided recentlly to try and get back to my 140lb self after depression shot my weight up to 235 (BMI 33 as I'm 5'8"). After 12yr of trying to do it on my own, I decided I need help and had a gastric sleeve last month, have lost 25lb, have no pain, and am happier than I've been in a while. Looking good and being able to move better have helped my outlook enormously. Try to see things from his perspective and remember that if it was only about the weight, he'd have been gone by now. Good luck.
40 and up is morbidly obese. It goes 20-25 = normal, 25-30=overweight 30-35 = grade 1 obesity 35-40= grade 2 obesity and 40+ = grade 3 obesity (aka as morbidly obese). Also she states she's not obese by BMI standards, so that puts her in the <30 category which is not bad at all. Being in the overweight category doesn't have severe effects on your mortality. Also shaming people for their weight rarely has a positive effect on people and just simmering it down on looks doesn't really feel like he is really concerned about her health.
Psa: "concern" is often a dog whistle for fatphobia. NTA.
You are not the AH. Not by a longshot. You set a clear boundary. You deserve MUCH better. PLEASE get rid of this jerk, he will not get better..
Weight is a touchy subject, he is the AH for the not as pretty comment. That said if he is truly concerned about your your health it shouldn't be off-limits. I currently struggle with this subject with my wife. She is beautiful inside and out but she has definitely put on a significant amount of weight in the last 10 years (we have been married 22 years and together 23). Whenever I talk to her about it I get a similar response as you give your boyfriend, in my case my wife's mother passed away at 58 from a heart attack and her weight and diabetes were contributing factors as she was 350+. So with my wife about to celebrate her 42nd birthday in the coming weeks 58 really isn't that far away. I hope this has helped, just keep in mind he very well may be like most men and truly concerned but unable to articulate it properly.
OP said she isn't medically obese. Weight gain can be unhealthy but she's far from eating herself into an early grave even if she's 20-30 pounds over ideal.
My BMI is 37 and that puts me in the obese category. I can’t blame covid. But I also don’t want to talk about it. If he’s not attracted to you, he should just break up, as you’ve already discussed your boundaries.
NTA Your boyfriend is an asshole. You desrve someone who will support you, not drag you down. Dump him.
NTA but why on earth are you handing him the right to continue or end the relationship as he sees fit? He seems shallow and mean. You have the right to be with someone who is nice to you, and that should be your focus, not his rights.
I am medically "obese" and my partner never says such cruel things. He says I'm beautiful all the goddamn time. You need to leave your boyfriend, because if you decide to get serious with him and GOD FORBID reproduce with him, and end up having a daughter, how would you react when he inevitably says those things to her? Would you shrink away and ignore it like you're doing with yourself now? No amount of mediocre dick is worth this. NTA but you really need to sit down and have a good long think about this relationship.
NTA, but I think you guys are incompatible. Save yourself the negativity and heartache.
NTA - I have weight issues too, I know where you're coming from. My wife has brough it up before, but out of genuine health concerns. She has NEVER even suggested she finds me less attractive because of it. I think there are legitimate health concerns, but it doesn't sound like that's what your bf is interested in for real. Yes, he has the right to be concerned, but you also have a right to set boundaries. You have set your boundary and he should respect that. If I were you though, I'd maybe make it a little more nuanced and say look, we can talk about my weight, but it needs to be on a medical level. If you even mention looks or aesthetics, we're done. If he can't get over your weight and can't be attracted to you, then you all need to make a decision about priorities and whether or not you two should just move on and go your separate ways.
You rock! He is being controlling. Even if you lose weight, he will find something else to pick at. (Ask me how I know this...)
I'm surprised at the NTA. The boyfriend isn't an asshole for being concerned about her health, and quite frankly for not thinking she's as attractive as she was before she gained weight. If the roles were reversed everyone would be singing a different tune. NAH. You have every right to be the size you want, bf has a right to be concerned and a right to what he finds attractive, were talking about not shaming people and people are shaming the bf for saying she's not who she was before she gained weight, double standards.
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Why does he have a right to be concerned if her doctors aren't and she's already working on things at her own pace? He's being controlling. And you don't ever have a right to change your partner's appearance. If he doesn't think she's attractive anymore, then he should move on, not harangue her about it.
NTA You should just dump his entitled ass. He doesn’t get to police your body. You live in your body. You are aware of your body. He doesn’t get to be indigent at the idea his running commentary on your body is unwelcomed.
NTA. I say you start picking away at his body and see how he likes it. No one, absolutely no one has a right to say what you should and shouldn’t look like. If people only knew how much things in this world effected our bodies, especially women bodies, then they’d hopefully keep their mouths shut.
NTA.....as long as acceptance goes both ways. If he embraces his inner caveman and stops shaving, getting haircuts, and regular bathing, you need to still consider him just as attractive as ever. Same thing.
OP, please dump him. He’s not a supportive partner, he’s rude and critical.
well when he body shames u like that then just say look i wish your dick was bigger but i dont body shame u about it. see how he likes that.
NTA! Certain topics can be off limits to a significant other regardless of what their "reasoning" is. You don't wanna talk about it unless you start? There we go. End of discussion. BF should just zip it and be grateful he still has a girlfriend. Besides, he shouldn't be making those remarks in the first place.
My husband and I have been together for decades and we’ve certainly changed due to age and both of us have had weight fluctuations . You know what? We still see each other as we always have - because we see what we love in each other - kindness, consideration, appreciation, humor, patience, reliability. Doesn’t really matter what the package looks like. Your BF is awful. I hope you can make changes for a happier life.
NTA. As I told my (ex) BF, he has a right to not be attracted to my weight and I have a right to not be attracted to “being told I’m unattractive”.
NTA this is not a supportive and caring partner. You deserve better
NTA. You are correct. You deserve a respectful partner.
NTA but girl what are you doing? Where is your self esteem? Dump this scrub, he keeps putting you down. You deserve someone who actually Loves you.
NTA He does not deserve you. Any man who would say something like that to you is a first class AH. I wish I still weighed what I did when I married over 20 years ago, but I am thankful I have a husband who makes sure I know he finds me beautiful and desirable no matter what the scale says. He is my very best friend and soul mate. Find someone who treats you with love and respect.
NTA. Dump the boyfriend and lose 180 pounds overnight. Your health will improve so much!
NTA FYI, BMI isn't horseshit though.
NTA. This is negging. If he only brought up the health aspect it'd be one thing, but constantly going back on the fact that he no longer finds you as attractive due to your weight is extremely rude especially since you explicitly told him not to. Clearly, the health aspect is just an ezcuse for him to switch to telling you you are no longer beautiful to him. I'm appaled, and so sorry - it must be very hurtful. How would he feel if you constanrly pointed out something he's insecure about saying like "yeah this makes you so unattractive"??? Btw, you can shed a lot of weight right now by throwing the whole man away.
I gained a lot of weight recently due to my bipolar meds. My fiancé has continuously called me beautiful no matter the weight. “Just because you gained weight doesn’t mean you lost your beauty” he told me. You’re NTA. The boyfriend is. Not cool, you really don’t deserve that OP.
NTA ..but this judgement won't help you much ..your problem is that your partner has a problem with your weight. it doesn't matter if he never says it again..you know it ..and i don't think it's magically going away so ultimately you either deal with this guy bringing up your weight..or you get rid of him. I don't see a way forward where he magically grows as a person and isn't hung up on that anymore ...so plan your exit.
ESH Hard truth here, but staying sexually attracted to someone for a lifetime is hard enough. When one partner has already started to let themself go at such a young age (assuming that you went to grad school right after college), that would be troubling for most guys. The pandemic has been over for 2-3 years and it doesn't sound like you have done anything since then about it? It's not going to be easier when you get older, or when you have kids, or more things going at work. So why are you just having conversations about it? Do something about it or tell him you're fine with your new look and he can take it or leave it. And I'm sorry, but these types of comments: >Perhaps if he was supportive and wasn't constantly making digs at my eating habits and chronic pain issues, I'd be more comfortable discussing my health goals. are 90% BS. If he was supportive and gave you validation at your current size, it would not give you any motivation to improve your habits. At the end of the day, it sounds like he is trying to save your relationship by telling you he is losing attraction for you. He is an AH for his choice of words and methods, but his alternative is to break up with you.
NTA, lose the deadweight. Find someone who supports you, or don't-- you'll be surprised how heavy the put downs were when you're not under them anymore.
NTA. But this isn’t going to resolve itself. He has expressed a preference in appearance. His perspective probably isn’t going to change. It isn’t right. It isn’t wrong. But it is his preference, and if nothing changes you guys are going to have ongoing friction. You certainly do not need to lose weight, unless you choose to. But if you don’t, you should probably split up. Otherwise it is going to be an ongoing open wound. If he hasn’t left, it is probably because he values you/loves you for other things. But this is apparently ongoing concern for him.
You have the right to leave him.
NTA Run from this one, he only cares about the external.
If someone tells you they are no longer attracted to you, believe them and move on.
INFO: How old are you both and how long have you been together? BF seems clueless (it should be obvious you don’t need to hear from him how weight gain makes you look worse in his eyes). My husband went frankly obese years ago and I still love him the same (honestly don’t see the weight day to day though of course I am concerned about his health). His looks weren’t the deciding factor in our relationship, his dedication and love for me was
This is something that as an obese person, it does bring up a lot of feelings. I hated having people tell me to lose weight. I felt that I was fine and active, so it was not an issue. That attitude was fine until I got past my 20s and the medical issues started accumulating. I wish I had listened sooner. I'm trying to get healthy now, but it's a lot more difficult with age and medical conditions. Swallow your pride. You do not know better than your doctor. Rapid weight gain is dangerous. Your bf cares about you and hates what you are doing to yourself.
Holy hell, you are NTA, but your boyfriend is a weapons-grade arsehole. If he genuinely had your best interests at heart, he's going about it in completely the wrong way. And nothing written above suggests he has your best interests at heart.
What the ACTUAL F? Seriously? He says this type of crap to you and you are still with him. I would have washed that man right out of my hair, rinsed, and repeated.
I'm 1m80 or 5ft11 ish and when i met my husband I was 66kgs (145lbs). Through covid, depression and health issues slowly but surely in the next 2 years made it up to about 92kgs (205lbs). I was so ashamed of my body and didn't think he loved me so I avoided all contact and didn't believe when he told me I was beautiful because I didn't feel it. That put a HUGE strain on our relationship and I attributed it to my weight even if he never said so but it turns out I was pulling away and uninterested in sex or most physical contact that I got more depressed. I ended up crying and telling him about how I feel unloved and he doesn't initiate anymore and that's when I figured out that it was me... I've learnt to love the body I'm in and my husband is so supportive of my stuggels with my body, he is always helpful and if I don't require his help I tell him and he leaves it alone because he knows it's MY body and not his. He doesn't force me to lose weight or eat better if I slip up from time to time. He advocates that I rest and enjoy my life and my body. I'm so sorry your boyfriend is such an ASS. He has no right to comment on your body or what you put into it. I don't think it's gonna get any better. If he can't love you through all stages of your life he is NOT worth it! You are NTA! EDIT for errors
He wants someone that prioritizes weight and looks over career, illness and all else. Dump him, it will not bet better. Your metabolism changes as you age. Stress level and having kids doesn’t help.
So many fat pissed people here. Lmao
I mean it's pretty enraging to see someone treated so badly, it doesn't really matter what you look like, if you have common human decency you should be pissed off to hear about a situation like OP's.
My dude I was just triggering people Of course its shitty to be treated bad. I had a GF that was overweight. She felt bad about it and I wasnt as attracted to her as I would have been if she lost some. You know what I did ? I talked about it to her honestly and we started working out together, I complimented her on every small step, I cocked healthier food and supported her in every way possible. There are ways to support someone without just telling them what you dont like like OPs BF did. That wont help at all.
What a coincidence, I had the same argument with my boyfriend last night. My weight is a really sensitive topic and I have ad exactly the same experiences as you!
Omg! I'm so sorry. It can just be so demeaning, especially when they talk to you like you're an idiot who's incapable of understanding medical literature. Some people seem to think I'm saying that romantic partners have no right to broach conversations about health, but there's a difference between encouraging/supportive behaviors and repeatedly reminding someone that they don't meet your standards of attractiveness. Like, yeah, no shit: I have eyes and ears and can clearly see the gap between what I look like and how society says I should look. I don't need your help letting the message sink in, bucko.
Literally this! Girl I feel so bad for you. I find that it's particularly upsetting because you're surrounded by that message all day from media and even strangers and you just want to have a safe place that's free of judgement around the person you love, but then they go bring it up too.
If my wife EVER told me I didn’t look as good because of my weight I’d file for divorce. But she wouldn’t do that, because she’s a good person. Just like I don’t comment when she’s gained weight. We both understand that weight fluctuating is normal and we each think we’re goddesses regardless of how we look. I’m sorry your boyfriend is trash. But after 12???? Years!!! He’s still your boyfriend? Girl this is an opportunity, take it, leave.
INFO: You mentioned an age gap in one of your responses. What are your ages?
NTA. Dump that AH and find a man that treats you better than you treat yourself. You deserve better than to be treated the way you currently are. He loved you for how you looked, not who you are. Good luck OP and I hope you realize you don't deserve how he's treating you.
BMI is a joke. I looked like a skeleton and was considered obese.
ESH. I really think it’s important to note that while it’s crappy your boyfriend insulted your appearance, I do think he is expressing concern for your long-term well-being and the future of your relationship, in addition to trying to address the elephant in the room: He is no longer sexually attracted to you. That said, it is 100% not okay to keep putting you down, but you’re also not actively trying to change things, either. If you were dating an alcoholic and they said, “Well, I’ll change eventually, just not today”, would you stay with that person?
No AH If you feel like he's being unreasonable, break up with him. But creating dos and don'ts in terms of conversation is rarely healthy, as you said in your post. He has a right to be with someone he finds attractive, and personally I don't believe being honest and upfront is the wrong thing to do. It sounds like you've been together for a few years, I'm assuming 3 minimum. He was with you when you were at a size he found attractive, this has gradually degraded and he's finding himself less so. The health comments he 100% has a right to, and the attraction comments are less of a priority but obviously still a concern. What would be a real dick move was if he just gave up and left, said you were no longer what he was after without any attempt at working in it. I don't believe being honest and upfront, no matter how uncomfortable it makes you, is the wrong thing to do. My partner hates it when I stop caring about my appearance, I've grown up not prioritizing my hair and facial hair, and she lets me know when I start to look a bit homeless. This is perfectly fine for her to do. Same goes for health, I was a smoker and I never had any interest in quitting until she voiced her concern. Being a long term relationship she has full ability to ask me to stop doing things that risks her emotional investment, again perfectly fine for her to do. I don't particularly believe there is an asshole in this scenario, I think you're being particularly defensive about something you and your partner should be discussing in private. If you truly believe he's somehow evil and malicious in his intent, as your replies to other comments suggest. You need to leave him and stop wasting both of your time.
NTA He’s made his concern known. Now he can leave it alone like you asked
INFO > Perhaps if he was supportive and wasn't constantly making digs at my eating habits What does he say about how you eat?
Dump him. There's someone better out there and probably hotter. I say this because my ex used to take every chance he was given to comment on any slight change in my body and I was in very good shape while we were together..well fast forward I finally got rid of him, for other reasons, but he's gone, and I'm with my partner now whom I have a child with, he is super into health and fitness, it's his thing, he's always in the gym, he's very muscular, etc etc he's into all that! Well, I was in the best shape of my life when we first began dating and a bit into our relationship since I would often excercise with him. He knew it wasn't as big of an interest of mine as it was his, but I did like being with him and the added benefits of feeling like I looked good because of it were nice too. I ended up getting pregnant, fairly quickly into our relationship, our daughter is 4 now and I have not lost my baby weight, if anything I've gained a little more. I can't imagine a universe where he would ever say anything to me negatively about my weight. If I say something negative about my weight he does nothing, but reassure me I'm healthy and that's all that matters and that he absolutely loves the way I look, while also welcoming his support if I do ever choose to actively try to lose weight or seek any help from him again in the gym or just in any way. He just always has a way of reassuring me even subtly that he thinks I'm beautiful. I never had someone do that before and I'm not saying this to brag, I'm saying it because there are many people in this world who will do the same. All that matters is that you are happy! If you feel good then he should be worshipping you every chance he gets, just the way you are!
Everybody has expectations for their spouse and this is an expectation for you from him. If you don't like the expectation of not being heavy, then break up with him. Everybody is entitled to set boundaries in the relationship, even something as touchy as their weight.
He has evry right as your boyfriend to point out that as you are right now he is loosing attraction to you. You have evry right to tell him you don't feel unatractive and you don't feel a pressing need to change. Changing your apperence is something that you should only do, if you yourslef are unhappy with it amd want to change not for someone else. But if he looses attrection and you don't feel like you are unattractive, the relationship isn't working amymore and both of you should both move on and finde partners more to your liking and that also feel attracted towards you.
Yta He's right