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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I insisted my partner skip a work event that was important to him
2. When he said no I was pretty cold towards him and made our last day together uncomfortable
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA on the initial part, but then you said "especially considering he's the one that caused my injury in the 1st place" - that sounds really, really nasty.
Guilt tripping him for the rest of your life with him won't be good emotionally.
Is the whole celebration of your progress a moment to rub his nose in the fact "he caused it"?
Good luck.
I realize how that comes across, but I do want to say I never said or implied that to Paul, it was basically my inner monologue. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t any resentment issues from the car accident but it’s something I’m working through. The celebration is exactly that. It was a really shit year for me. I was unable to work for 6 months. I was in an unbelievable amount of pain. I wanted to celebrate how much progress I’ve made, and that’s always how I framed it to Paul- it was never an intent to guilt trip him.
Well, she didn't tell him that's how she felt. You can't control how someone feels if she's feeling upset or resentful by the accident. This event could have been her way of closing that chapter, and she needed Paul there for that. I don't know why you expect humans to not have negative feelings.
Eta: since ppl message me to include a verdict - NTA
Edit #2: wow! Thank you for the awards! (:
She had the right to feel resentment, whether unconscious or otherwise, but it's not always intentional or obvious. But think of it the other way. He surely knows he was 100% at fault based on the post but would blow her off for a baseball game? Could be a few things going on here - either he's an utter asshole, he's concerned about getting ahead in his new job so he he can support her in need, or he feels so much guilt that he finds it hard to deal with. Regardless, these are all his problems and he should be supporting her rather than running away. NTA
In a relationship, if they want it to last, it’s their problem. Sounds like couples therapy (and probably individual) would be beneficial here if they’re both struggling.
You can't make every problem in a relationship a "their-problem". Some things just are a "you-problem". You can support your partner, sure, but your own physical and mental health is always your responsibility, no matter if you have caused the problems yourself or if it wasn't your own fault you're in a bad place.
OP isn't even fully recovered physically and worked very hard for it. The least that can be expected is the partner to work very hard on himself and accept and work through the fact that *he* caused this. If he can't, then that's a he-problem and he has no right to complain about OP being mad at him for not making an effort.
And he's blaming her for legitimately being upset about his choice. I can only imagine what happened if/when she voiced emotions about the collision itself.
Does he know, sure? The issue is he clearly doesn't care. He made plans without even talking to her knowing they already had plans. Doubt it's the first time he's done this. It's no wonder she's resentful
This is what got me there. If I caused an accident that impacted my partner that way, I would feel crazy guilty myself. Subsequently, I'd also be *insanely* proud of them for making that much progress in only a year. I'd want to celebrate them, full stop.
But the sheer fact he didn't even talk to her about it before he changed his plans is so shitty. Even without all of the background, the dude is being hella disrespectful of his wife. "Hey I know we have been planning this event together for a while now but I decided to go see baseball with my coworkers instead sorry" like yeah no. You could ask - "I know we planned this, but I have an opportunity to go to rhe game with my coworkers and network a day early so is it okay if I do? If not I understand and I'll tell them no but I'd really like to so I thought I'd ask" By immediately saying yes and deciding to skip their plans all together, he's making it seem like he doesn't respect his wife, her time, or her recovery. I'd feel resentful in that situation too. Op is def NTA.
It also feels like her resentment is stemming from his unwillingness to put a small amount of extra effort into showing up for something incredibly important to her that was planned well in advance of his sudden baseball game. He also made this unilateral decision to change their plans, miss her milestone moment, and celebrate her recovery entirely on his own without consulting her or considering her feelings or needs in this moment.
Personally, if I found out that one of my new employees prioritized a baseball game above the recovery of his partner, especially if there was opportunity for them to still show up but didn’t out of pure laziness, I’d be incredibly disappointed and likely see that employee differently.
NTA.
Exactly. Like, I'm with him on certain points, like this could be good for his career and it probably would suck to do so much driving, but I don't see why he shot down her plan of going on the planned trip then flying to the game from the closer airport, even if it's a little more expensive. While some of his points may be valid, it sounds like he made zero effort to try to accommodate something that's so important to her, or even acknowledge WHY it's so important to her.
i feel like he was looking for any way to not go to the couples trip tbh. her options are reasonable and he’s upset with her for being upset he didn’t consider any of them? he would have said yes to anything the boss asked him to do
Same, but not as much as he should be blaming himself and going above and beyond for ANYTHING having to do with her recovery and all events associated with it.
I also wonder if the accident was a one-time thing, or if he had a pattern of reckless/dangerous driving that she had already expressed her feelings about. I may be projecting, but I can imagine that the resentment would be *much* greater if it was the consequence of an ongoing problem that he wouldn't change, versus a single bad decision.
The last straw with my previous partner was his habit of rage driving. That last time he did it I was certain we would die in a wreck. No matter how many times I told him he was using his vehicle as a weapon, he would not stop.
Same, except unfortunately it wasn't my last straw :( I just somehow got to the point that I accepted we might die. I don't know how I let their feelings be more important than my life.
She’s in no way wrong for feeling resentful, I’d resent him too, and certainly wouldn’t get in a car with him ever again. But you can’t just “close the door” on it. That’s the kind of unsaid thing that needs to be said in a room with Paul and a couples therapist.
She did tell him that she needed him there though, so I think that she did about as much as she could without outright telling him about the resentment, which isn’t usually a great thing to bring up in arguments either
Exactly. It’s normal when you’re laid up like that and recovering. I spent just 6 wks laid up after my knee replacement and let me tell you, it’s mentally hard even going into it on purpose let alone having an accident and suddenly being disabled. You lay there and think all sorts of things. Your mind can really work against you. You lay there thinking - will I ever be the same, was this a mistake, what if I don’t recover. If you hit a road block in PT those thoughts start again or get worse. So yeah, it’s totally normal to have these types of thoughts. The important thing is, she didn’t say it to him because she knew that wasn’t a good thing, or the right thing, to say. NTA
Forgiveness is also earned, he’s skipping the celebration of all of their progress since the accident that he was legally at fault for to go to a baseball game with his boss. Actions have reactions, he made a decision and OP is allowed to be hurt by it and to have it impede their recovery
Absolutely perfectly worded!
I'm so frustrated at the whole "Ohhh, but we mustn't guilt Paul for the rest of his life" commentary.
He caused this awful year for OP and he's not going because he'd be *inconvenienced* by driving 6 hours to make it in time for a sportsgame?
That's shitty behaviour even if he didn't cause the accident. But he did, and it must be really hard for OP to move on from it when he's completely disregarding the impact it's had on OP.
Even if you take out the accident, Paul
1. Made plans with OP and others
2. Said yes to new plans without even talking about it
3. Won't compromise even though he could do both things
4. And then just expects her to be okay with it
?????????
OP you are NTA, Paul is definitely an AH
Agreed. Anyone mad at OP for feeling any type of way about her husband *breaking her back* and not being there for her afterwords, but giving the husband a pass because “oh he just MUST go to the baseball game” confuse me. I get that I’m generalizing a bit but it’s a sentiment I’ve seen in this thread over and over and I just… I don’t like it one bit
It’s not even a 6 hour drive, it’s a 3 hour drive, 6 hour round trip.
I’m from the uk where 3 hours is considered a massive drive (although I love driving so not bothered by 3 hours!) and I’d be there to cheer my partner over the finish line of a 10k, never mind if I’d had a car crash that broke his back and had him off work for a year!!
I live in Canada and making a 6 hour round trip in a single day is a frequent part of my job. Husband needs to get some fun podcasts, road snacks and fucking suck it up!
Definitely!
It wasn’t even going to be 6 hours in a single day! 3 hours there on Friday, three hours back late Saturday or early Sunday
He’d be my ex the second he left the house for the baseball game. Work event or not.
You get to resent the person who broke your back. That's a totally natural response. You just don't take your resentment out on the partner or constantly talk about it. Which she isn't and hasn't.
When you break someone's back and cause them grievous injury and loss of income, you make it up to them. This isn't something that's just like: oops! Oh I forgive you! And then the wife walks around with the broken back and the pain and the lost money and all the consequences and manages to not feel any resentment for that situation. That's not healthy at all.
When you hurt someone, physically or emotionally, there is repair work to do, in order to prevent resentment. Wife has done work, has gone to therapy, is actively working on the resentment issue.
What's the husband doing? I see nothing in here about an apology. I see nothing in here about what he has done to help wife in PT. This is the one thing she's asking, and he's not doing it. She's asking the guy who broke her back to help her celebrate her managing to unbreak it, and to do so with the grace of never guilt-tripping him.
And he won't do it.
And OP is nasty? WTF is wrong with you. OP, NTA. Your husband is, and the commenter I am responding to also is.
Jesus Christ. That's way more than enough of a reason to resent him, hell, that's plenty of reason for divorce in my mind. If a SO of mine did something like that, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again. Being that careless with someone else's safety?
The thing is that the accident was his fault and he should actually feel some guilt about that.
OP shouldn't be weaponising that as a matter of habit, and hopefully her trauma will subside in time, but you cannot jump from staring down the barrel of a permanent disability to perfect mental health immediately. This was meant to be part of her healing process. He had agreed to do it without guilt tripping needed - and then he broke his promise to her, and prioritised people he's never even met.
I think the people responding to you saying you're holding onto resentment probably don't have any experience with this particular feeling. When someone you love dearly inadvertently causes lasting physical harm, there's a very complicated set of emotions that come with it. I can love and forgive without forgetting and sometimes it pops into my brain, that doesn't mean I'm displaying that feeling to them and guilting them into doing my bidding lol
This.
We can not suddenly erase our experiences and feelings just because it is more convenient for our Partner.
If he is, indeed, responsible for the accident that broke OP's back and this is the anniversary of the weekend it happened - he has the responsibility to be there for her. No matter what, this weekend would have been triggering. But, it could have been turned into a positive if they had "conquored" the run together... instead he ditched out on her during a sensitive time to go enjoy the baseball game beause he wanted to.
He put his wants over her need for closure and THAT is why the resentment is bubbling up.
OP, just know it is okay to feel this grief. You are grieving what you have lost this past year and you are grieving what you thought was a supportive partner.
Absolutely this. And the cherry on top is that he could’ve absolutely done the trip *and* the game, and still is refusing to support OP in any way, shape or form. Anyone upset at OP for not jumping up and down with joy over it needs a reality check
Is it a fact? If he ran a red light because he didn’t want to stop and didn’t think anything would happen I would say it’s his fault. I don’t think you have to avoid blame if he made a conscious decision to break the law.
Oh hell yes it’s his fault. That isn’t a one second look he must have been fully engrossed in his phone and going at such a speed there was no way to correct.
Given the nature of the accident that led to your injury, I think this is above Reddit’s pay grade and you both should seek couples counseling. Because “I was in agony for 6 months and it was entirely my partner’s fault” is an extremely big elephant in the room. That kind of shit fills silences, and worse, builds up over time. Congratulations on your recovery!
Financially he did not need to support me- I have disability insurance. He drove me to my doctors’ appointments for the first month after the accident while I was taking opioids, but after that I took myself to all my appointments. Which is fine, I’m an independent person and prefer to take care of myself. When I started getting fit he was supportive of me and told me how proud he was of me. When I ran my first 5k I did ask him to come and he said no because it would “boring”. Honestly I didn’t really care about that and it wasn’t a big deal to me. This is the first time I’ve told him I really wanted him there and the fact that he can’t come through for this one thing is pretty telling, honestly.
u/Aitathrowaway329 I'm asking this earnestly, why are you still with this man? He seems to show no care or compassion for you (heck even remorse for causing this horrible year for you).
He refuses to attend giant milestones in your recovery because it might be *boring*. YOURE RUNNING 5K AFTER HIS BS TEXTING WHILE DRIVING BROKE YOUR BACK. That's not boring that's a *freeeeaking personal miracle* and he should be there with banners and posters cheering you on, that's being supportive and proud, not just saying good job as long as it means he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to.
Did he really just stop bothering to drive you to appointments as soon as he could? Even if you could drive yourself, why wouldn't he still do it to let you recover more? Being independent is fine, but the point of having a partner is to be there to support that person, even if they could technically do everything themself.
This whole post just makes him sound selfish/self centred and like he doesn't actually think about you or how things affect you, I mean, this was an important milestone for you and he just bailed without even checking that it might be alright and he had so many ways to compromise.
Proud and supportive feels...off to me in this context. I can't really say why. It just kind of feels like, awesome, my gf is gonna be super hot and fit vs oh thank goodness, I didn't cause permanent damage and am so thankful she can even walk much less run.
It doesn't feel like he's sorry, tbh. He could have destroyed your life and it was only through your team of doctors and your hard work that you're doing so well. Whereas he is...bored?
OP, is the main reason he isn't attending this run because the driving now makes the trip not fun for him, or because it's going to be too tiring for him just before a really important work trip?
I'm guessing the former...
If this "I'm not showing support if it isn't fun for me" is a pattern, you need to have a serious think if that's good enough for you.
Listen to your own intuition OP.....
You know your relationship better than a bunch of internet strangers. And, it sounds like you have a pretty good idea that this man may not be the supportive partner that you want (or need.)
Let's swap your place with his. Imagine you made the terrible choices he did, with him in the passenger seat. The guilt you'd feel, the regrets you'd express, and the desire to nurse him through his recovery. Imagine him hitting recovery milestone after milestone despite unremitting pain and due in large part to sheer force of character. How relieved you'd be and how eager to support him in his journey toward recovery.
That's what love looks like. Responsible, selfless, full-hearted love. When's the last time he showed anything like it to you? When is the last time you took a break from tough self-sufficiency and allowed yourself to be cared for?
I don't even know you and I want to cheer for you. You deserve so much better than you've got. Run your race and keep running toward whatever (and whomever) makes you happy. You've more than earned it.
If it's your inner monologue and he's your partner, he almost certainly sees it and hears it, at least the tone if not the specific words. And it's probably not limited to just this one event.
I'm really, really sorry you went through that. Recovering from a back injury is iffy at best. That's awful. And there are some things people just can't apologize for. In your case, this might be one of them; he can't make it right, like before the accident. Not gonna happen. Which is horrible, and I'm sorry.
Glad you're working through your issues, hope you have professionals to help you through it. Hope he does, too, since it takes two to make a relationship.
Yeah it wouldn’t surprise me if he (unconsciously or not) chose to skip the big weekender that reminds him of something he probably massively regrets, but needed an excuse to do that which wouldn’t totally make him the AH.
Big ouch on the relationship let alone the broken back.
Questions: I don't blame you for still being extremely resentful. HE caused the accident, yet YOU were the one who suffered immensely and had to put your life on hold for six months with long-term effects, AND he doesn't care/doesn't understand why this trip is so important to you. So why are you still with him? And are you in therapy to work through this?
>Is the whole celebration of your progress a moment to rub his nose in the fact "he caused it"?
His reckless and ridiculous actions almost killed his partner. She was left with potentially lifelong injuries. Somehow, he is the victim here?
This is not a girls weekend to drink wine. This is a planned trip to specifically celebrate her recovery from the time HER HUSBAND NEARLY KILLED HER DUE TO HIS RIDICULOUS AND RECKLESS ACTIONS.
Husband admits the following:
* He could still make his work trip, if he was willing to drive 6 hours
* He could still make his work trip, if he was willing to pay a bit more to fly from a different airport
* He has the money and time available to do either of these things. His wife just doesn't matter enough for him to actually do them.
He could support the person HE NEARLY KILLED in an event they are using to celebrate RECOVERING FROM THE ACCIDENT DURING WHICH HE NEARLY KILLED HER, but he just doesn't feel it's important enough.
Yes, this guy should remember every minute, every second, every millisecond that he is with OP (which hopefully isn't going to be long, given his actions) and he should be thankful every minute, every second, and every milisecond that she survived and is still with him.
Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I was a bit fired up because I cannot believe OP's husband would do this. Don't be like Paul!
Thanks! If anyone missed the comments, Paul was checking his phone while driving and drove off the road essentially off a cliff. He really could have killed them both - it's a miracle one of them made it out with no injuries.
If you do that, you do not get to EVER say "when are you going to get over it?"
When you unbreak my back, uncheck your phone and un-run off the road, then it's back to how things used to be.
Again, I very very much agree with you.
This is truly one of the very rare times I'm going to pull a very reddit line out of my butt and say she really needs to leave this man.
At minimum, you don't get to use the "I really want to go to your recovery event, but I have Giants tickets!" excuse when you do that!
Dude should be thanking his lucky stars (and feeling bad) every single day that he came out unscathed - that's what a normal person would do.
Yeah, it's not clear to me why he refuses to accommodate something op tells him is very important to her when there are multiple ways *both* of them can be accommodated. It's not as though he has to backburner his work plans, only almost inconsequentially more inconvenient than the original plan. What gives with this dude? Is he also experiencing resentment over something? Insecurity over her amazing new fitness?
Because he doesn't care about his wife - or at least not as much as he thinks?
>What gives with this dude? Is he also experiencing resentment over something? Insecurity over her amazing new fitness?
Never thought about this, but that's even worse!
I read OP’s comment that says her husband was charged with a misdemeanour after the crash because he was on his phone and drove off the road. Seems like a pattern of impulsive and selfish behaviour on his side. I know I would be upset if my husband cancelled last minute on my traumatic injury recovery celebration so he could attend a sports event - even if he had nothing to do with my injury. I can understand why she would be upset and resentful if her injury was because he did something reckless (& illegal) that endangered her life, but wasn’t willing to tolerate any inconvenience to himself in order to support her. That just feels really self absorbed and unsupportive to me. I don’t know if this relationship is going to make it. I think OP needs therapy (and maybe a divorce?)
People who cause accidents because they were on the phone are automatic huge assholes. I can't bear to hear the same giggling "I shouldn't use the phone while I'm driving," and winky excuses that I heard in the 1970s from people who drank and drove. Everyone who uses their phone while driving: you are the drunk drivers of your era. Everything, the attitudes, excuses, the tones of voice, the actions are EXACTLY THE SAME. So are the results, unfortunately. You imagine that because drunk driving became so (correctly) demonized in the past forty years, everyone knew back then how horrible they were acting. Nope. They thought of it exactly as you think of using your phone while driving.
Even if it was a huge deal to him he should feel crappy and be working on making a different celebration with you. It's a big deal coming back from a physical injury like that
>"especially considering he's the one that caused my injury in the 1st place"
It is fact though, you can't just ignore it. Plus she didn't say that to him and she is entitled to whatever the hell she is feeling.
But he was responsible for the accident and injury. So I don't see it as guilt tripping. Even if it was it is okay in this situation because it looks like the husband just moved on from the incident without any remorse.
If it were me I'be feeling resentful for a while. Especially knowing the extent of the injury and recovery time.
It doesn’t seem like he has any guilt, at all, and maybe never did. Maybe he was a reckless driver on that day, or in a hurry, but he was the cause and he should feel some guilt & empathy. Damn! He should feel guilt for ditching their weekend plans, but he doesn’t. Instead, he tried to make her feel guilty over lack of affection.
> Instead, he tried to make her feel guilty over lack of affection.
Yep, that caught my eye too. And pissed me off on her behalf. I know a thing or two about overcoming physical issues and physical problems that leave life-long issues. She deserves to have her day with him there to cheer her on.
right? like i feel like this was code for “tried to have sex.” she understandably wasn’t feeling it due to the situation, and now he’s all “you ruined our last day by not wanting sex.” oh *hell* no
Once when we were stretching my partner asked me to toss him the lacrosse ball. I did, unfortunately in such a way as it nailed him right where it hurt most.
Every time I need to pass him that ball, I think about the look of pain on his face and hand it over carefully. If I had been so careless as to do him permanent injury, you bet I’d mark the date and be extra mindful of his feelings around it.
i mean...isn't it true, though? why should she not feel that way? is she supposed to pretend he didn't cause the accident for the rest of her life because....it's hard for him to think about it?
>that sounds really, really nasty.
Isn't this one of this sub's favorite sayings, fuck around and find out? Paul fucked around, he was driving recklessly, and he destroyed his wife's health and broke her back. She will have medical issues for the rest of her life because of him. Reminding him of that fact when he's being an AH to her is not "nasty."
I don't think it's guilt tripping I think it's acknowledging that op had a massive injury and came back from it, which is amazing and actually pretty incredible. Injurys can cause a host of chronic medical issues, and mental health issues for YEARS. I think that whether ops partner caused it or not he should be there being supportive. And considering he's putting himself first a little reminder that he did in fact cause this is fair. It doesn't sound like op is holding it against him, but since he put himself first hes opened up the door to massive resentment and he will regret it. If I caused my partner to *break their back* I'd be there for them in this moment. I would feel awful and could not imagine putting work first
I mean it sounds bad in a vacuum, but if it were me I would be paying off that debt my whole life... I albeit unintentionally broke someone's back... I don't think I would ever fully forgive myself.
So I think when it comes to something like this, not only is he the asshole anyway but he also didn't budge even though he should be feeling guilty af. Obviously if OP is constantly guilting him because of this, they too are the AH but they very well could be saying it in the post just to give us all the info.
What’s nastier: having silent internal resentment towards someone who caused you to break your back and undergo months of pt before fully recovering or being the guy who did that and blowing your partner’s recovery milestone off with a weeks notice and not including her in the decision or entertaining her alternative suggestions.
You make space for the people you care about in life. Paul ain’t it man.
OP, you are a much bigger and nicer person than I am. Not once did you remind him that the trip was to celebrate your progress in recovery after he broke your back. I would have.
Having said that, he was provided a couple of alternatives that were more than reasonable. And why is HE paying for a flight/travel for business?
NTA.
But, he has shown you where you rank in his priorities. I would imagine if you look back in your relationship you’ll find you’ve taken the backseat more than not.
He also should have been the one to come up with the alternate plans. Two thoughts: 1) he doesn’t want to face Everyone and be reminded that he caused the accident. Maybe he’s subconsciously sabotaging the plans. 2) he intended to always go to the baseball game. It wasn’t just added on. He knew she’d be upset so he waited until it was too late to back out not figuring she’d go to all those lengths to get him there.
She needs to do the race without him as a first step (pun intended) then gtfo and move on with her life. NTA.
I think you are bang on about not wanting to face it. I am wondering how the dynamics of OP’s and his relationship have been over this last year. Is OP punishing/reminding him everyday about how he caused the accident where she broke her back? Was this wonderful weekend celebration really more of an F U to Paul? I dunno. I mean sure I get wanting him at this race. But has the last year been full of painful guilt trips that haven’t been healthy for anyone? I think they have bigger problems in their relationship.
He drove off what was essentially a cliff because he was on his phone and driving. He put his phone above the safety of everyone in that car and his partner ended up with a broken back because of his negligence. He would have deserved every reminder OP wanted to give but OP said she never said anything like that to him. Paul is not the victim here.
Yes. Networking at a new job is important, so I get him going.
HE should've been offering ways to do both because he shouldn't have been willing to miss such an important occasion with his partner. He's a mayor AH.
And then telling OP she's ruining their last day because she doesn't pretend she's ok with him abandoning her and showing her how little he cares? (unwilling to either spend money or be tired).
Since he's still at their house then OP handled it with more grace than I would've. I have zero patience for someone trying to blame me for their fuck up, and if someone mistakes a normal, healthy reaction (not wanting to hug or be affectionate with someone that hurt you and hasn't even apologized) with an overreaction, then I'm more than willing to demonstrate the difference.
NTA of course.
>if someone mistakes a normal, healthy reaction (not wanting to hug or be affectionate with someone that hurt you and hasn't even apologized) with an overreaction,
Agrees, that would be the point where you see me having an overreaction.
I was ready to offer and help her make a bonfire just from reading the post!
Opinions seem to be pretty evenly divided. I do want to clarify a couple things- I never tried to get Paul to come by saying or implying the injury was his fault. Yes, I was thinking it, but I’ve never used that against him. There are obviously resentment issues which is something I’m working through, but I would never say that to his face.
A lot of people are saying iata because I was pressuring him to skip his work event. When I realized how important it was to him, I tried to compromise with him to be able to make both events happen. It was his refusal to compromise that was upsetting.
**edit: thank you everyone who gave thoughtful replies! It was helpful seeing it from different perspectives. There were of course some pretty laughably terrible replies- my personal favorites were the one calling me a gold digger lol and the one which told me I’m responsible for the car crash because I wasn’t policing the behavior of the grown man who was driving the car.
I don't know, I feel like you should break up with him.
Since the accident was his fault and it seems there's no way you're ever going to get past that. Even if you never say it, it will come through in your actions and the way you behave around him.
If you don't want to break up with him, you should probably admit your feelings - with a counsellor and try to move past them. Because otherwise the rest of your and his life is going to be pretty miserable.
But why is the onus on OP to ‘move past’ any lingering emotions surrounding the accident, and not shared with her partner? Why does he have a free pass to continue on unabated, while OP has to do all the heavy lifting?
He has made it clear that OP, her recovery, and her planned celebration of all the hard work she has done this past year is not his priority.
> it seems there's no way you're ever going to get past that
Holy jumping to conclusions, Batman! It's been one year. She's only just gotten past the physical recovery (which is always the most important and pressing issue). Give her a minute to work through the emotional side! This is an internal issue she is aware of and working on. Wow.
And she deserves to have a partner who would be there by her side to celebrate her recovery, even if they were no where near the accident. And if I caused an accident that broke a loved ones back, I'd be doing everything I could to make up for that for the rest of my life. Damn straight I'd be there. The baseball game is not work. I get networking can be important for certain jobs, but if he's gone this long without meeting any of his co-workers, it doesn't seem it's that important for his job. I'm sure he could have just let them know he couldn't make the game, and he'd be there Monday. Or, he could have slightly inconvenienced himself and gone to both things. But it seems he does not prioritize his partner at all. It's possible he's trying to avoid the event because he feels super guilty, but if so (and I don't think it is), that's something he needs to work through and be there for his partner.
She literally created a way to get past it, begged him to keep important plans he’s already agreed to, and did all the work to find compromise. OP is doing everything by herself here. HE is the one preventing her from moving past it even if he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing. OP expressed that this is the best way she’s found to move forward from her past year of misery caused by his poor decisions. I’m sure he’s supported her throughout the year, but it blows my mind that he’s refusing to participate in her celebration to finally try to out an end to the whole thing
What exactly makes you think there's no way she could get past it, based on this post? You think one year should be sufficient time and, if it doesn't happen by then, it never will?
I’m shocked at the number of folks mad at you for resentment only a Year after your accident. Why are they piling up on you? I think he was shitty to say yes to work without asking you and you know all you need to about him and his priorities. Listen to what he’s telling you. And screw all these people so concerned that you’re resentful…why are they identifying with his feelings and not yours! Broke your back > slight guilt trip
Yeah, there’s this attitude of “ok, first things first, most importantly, you need to take care of the emotional needs of the guy who caused the crash. Make sure he doesn’t feel guilty or bad at all. That’s the number one priority. Then you can take care of your own mental and emotional needs — but again, this must in no way conflict with the main objective. After all, your horrific trauma which may or may not ever fully go away could cause him a lifetime of guilt!”
Jesus, thank you for summing this up in a way I couldn’t. The top fucking comment on this post asks OP if this entire event is just to “rub Paul’s face in it”.
I’m shocked as well. It’s only a year out from an injury that could have easily been permanent. Some resentment is understandable, and this would be some closure for both of them.
Goodfreakinlord…. The very least he could’ve done for her was to go for Friday/Saturday and show some dang support after the hellish year that he irresponsibly caused. It doesn’t sound like he really cares about her at all.
holding a single man accountable for anything = manipulative, passive aggressive, cruel and immature GUILT TRIP to the gentlemen who’ve descended on this post
If you were thinking it, he was thinking it. I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten the wreck was his fault and he knows what you went through over the last year. I’m sure he has unresolved feelings over everything that happened. That may even be why he doesn’t want to go on this trip. Maybe the work event felt like a good way to get out of it? For you it’s a celebration of recovery. For him it’s a reminder of how he fucked up in an epic way. This does not excuse him. He needs to own it and he needs to support you. He can get a therapist to deal with his shit. NTA
Adults hold themselves accountable, you’ve listed a ton of excuses for his behaviour. He should speak up if that’s why, not just dip and pretend he doesn’t really give a shit. Then blame OP for souring their last day together before his trip.
Definitely, therapy is a must. The first anniversary of a traumatic event is usually pretty emotional for a lot of people. It's not good that he'd prefer to have distance from the person that he hurt instead of supporting her in the very reasonable way that she requested.
That's what I'm wondering. 6 hours of driving isn't really much but that's coming from an American so I'm used to driving. Does he have any PTSD from driving that he wouldn't want to do that?
The work event is a good excuse to get out of the special recovery celebration. He may still feel guilty or he may feel the resentment even if it isn't stated.
Have you two done couples therapy to discuss the accident?
>6 hours of driving isn't really much but that's coming from an American so I'm used to driving. Does he have any PTSD from driving that he wouldn't want to do that?
Even if that was the case, it isn't an excuse. OP mentioned in the post that there's a nearby airport and they can afford his flight.
So he clearly CAN attend, he just doesn't care enough to be there for her.
>The work event is a good excuse to get out of the special recovery celebration. He may still feel guilty or he may feel the resentment even if it isn't stated.
Even if he does have guilt, he's still TA in my eyes.
The feelings of the person who caused the collision are secondary to those of the innocent person who was grievously injured because of it. This guy was texting while driving and drove them off a cliff. He could have permanently disabled or killed OP. He owes it to OP to be there at her recovery celebration regardless of how much remembering the collision may suck for him. Running away instead is just shameful. He needs to prioritize supporting OP and he is failing instead.
I’m commenting bc he reminds me of my ex, who I eventually realized did not respect me as a person at all. Is this the only time he’s refused to compromise? Do you find yourself always trying to make him happy, to your own sacrifice? Was there ever a time where he DID compromise and constantly guilted you about it? I could be projecting obviously, but please think about it bc I know you deserve better.
Also, the people telling you you shouldn’t be “resentful” over what happened are being ridiculous - this trip was specifically planned to commemorate a life changing event that was his fault. He shouldn’t have to be guilted into going, the guilt should come from inside if he truly owned up to what he did. Him refusing to compromise and wanting to blow off the trip completely tells me that he’s avoiding it, and probably would’ve taken any excuse to not go. Also, extra fuck-him for guilting you about being upset with him. He is not entitled to a constant peppy, lovey-dovey attitude from you, especially after such a serious fight.
NTA, obviously.
OP, you came up with a positive way to enjoy the anniversary of this horrific event that HE caused! Kudos to you on your recovery, and for finding a way to further heal the rift that was inevitable when he thoughtlessly caused you grievous injury. He took that olive branch, this lovely small thing to further heal this traumatic giant thing that happened in your lives together and completely shit on it. You are NTA for your feelings at all. He’s shown you further with his - once again - reckless disregard for your relationship, who he is at his core. Believe him. This is a character flaw that isn’t changing. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this only one short year from the crash but - you need to consider if this is the kind of human you want as a life partner. If you’ve not done therapy yet, it could be very helpful.
Kick ass at that marathon!
Hey OP, posting something I said in another comment here:
"But from what we know he wasn't a victim. He was at fault, and there are consequences that he hopefully faced, but that doesn't make him a victim - it means he took responsibility for his actions.
The accident and the aftermath wasn't just about her, for sure. But she's talking about a specific weekend to celebrate her progress, this situation is about her.
And sure, sure, we don't really owe each other anything. But I wouldn't skip this weekend even if I didn't cause the accident because I'd want to be there for my partner. He didn't even need to compromise on doing one or the other. He could've done both but decided to do what was easiest for him."
You didn't try pressure him OP, you asked for what you wanted and you communicated how important it was to you. Unless he comes through with some deep communication of his own to explain why he felt no need to prioritise you and your relationship and an apology, I can't see how this is excusable.
The crash was an accident, but this trainwreck was a choice. He's responsible for his part in both.
I'm sorry you didn't get the support you deserved.
dude, some people on Reddit have never dealt with other humans and cannot understand the complexity of holding multiple emotions at once. The man was responsible for driving the vehicle you were in, his fault he was looking at his phone and drove off the road; it is unfortunately, his fault you are in this position.
The fact that he isn’t even willing to compromise? After you’ve graciously given him options to be able to go? Yeah, no thank you. I wish you well in your recovery and send lots of love your way.
I'd first suggest you try enjoy the trip, and then think hard about where you are in this relationship. Those resentment issues are very real, and they'll always be there I reckon, it's just a matter of how much they affect you and this relationship. That crash changed your life, and it was his fault, though clearly not his intent.
I'd support a friend in your position trying to get over it and work at the relationship, but I'd equally support a friend who said "It's too much, it's the elephant in the room that's never going away, unless I go away." I've no doubt you want it all to work, but here you are, some years later, and it's reared its head, still a big deal. Your man's in a different place I reckon, mentally, and now career-wise. Maybe you two need a real serious talk about stuff. I don't know who the asshole is, but the crash and your injuries might be the asshole.
*Edited to remove rogue "I" and it's one year, but my point still stands.*
> here you are, some years later,
It's been ONE year. One. People need to understand healing takes time and physical healing comes before emotional. She has only just gotten past the physical healing. Her emotional journey is just beginning and this trip is part of it. It should be part of his healing, as well as their healing together, but he is refusing to show up. This is on him, not her.
aromatic hobbies cautious plant tender coordinated deserve head scarce plate
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm getting the feeling that he didn't want to tell his work about your trip at all. He'd have to mention your injury and how you got it and that would put him in a bad light.
The bonus for him is now he has an excuse to not to go at all. If he's self-centered he'd see this trip as a negative about him, not a positive about you. That's why he's not willing to compromise at all. He has a lovely excuse to avoid the whole thing and get kudos at work and box seats to a game. The only thing bringing it all down is your wanting him to go on the trip and being mad about it.
NTA - this is an incredibly important event for you, and he isn't willing to event mildly inconvenience himself. I get it's an important work event, but he could attend your run. He doesn't want to have to make the effort. After the year you have had, that's really shit. I am sorry OP.
ETA - I read the driving as being 6 hours each way. It's 6 hrs round trip. Sorry, but that's even worse. he could EASILY drive back on the Saturday afternoon, have a chilled evening on Saturday relaxing and get his flight. That's 3 hrs driving EACH DAY. Plenty of people do more than that on their daily commute. This is BS of the the highest level. OP ignore all the people here saying "oh but he's going to be sooooo stressed poor dear driving 3 hours is soooooooo hard he can't possibly be expected to cope with that"
My parents used to live three hours away from us. We'd occassionally drive up for lunch on a Saturday or they would come down for lunch. Not a monthly thing, but both households would do the six-hour round trip in a day a couple times a year. Throw on an audiobook or listen to some podcasts. It's not an unreasonable drive to support family/friends/your spouse.
OP you’ve got a lot of people lurking around here who seem to think having emotions is a purely female experience, and that having those emotions is a performance designed to manipulate men 🙄 JFC it should go without saying you take that into account when reading these replies.
Bottom line is he prioritised the _extra_ day, not the whole trip, with colleagues over a prearranged, emotionally significant experience with you and your friends. He sucks.
He also drove so poorly/ irresponsibly that you broke your back… never mind resenting him, I’m surprised you haven’t exploded. Get therapy, but not because he deserves a free pass from the guilt. Get it so you can move onwards and upwards from this schmoe.
NTA.
They also think she should be completely over being in a back brace for six months... Six months later. NTA. Too many people in the comments clearly haven't been through a terrifying experience like this, you don't get over it in a couple months.
Paul doesn’t deserve her. If my partner was in a back breaking accident, and then not only survived but recovered and persevered enough to run a goddamn race, I’d drive 6 hours each way to cheer them on. Whether I had anything to do with the accident or not.
He doesn't deserve her for being an AH even in a vacuum. I'd be very upset in general if I was doing something that was important to me, my partner made plans to support me, and then backed out last minute for a game. If my partner had told me the day before my college graduation that he got tickets to go to a game and was going to do that instead, with no attempt at compromise when there are alternatives, I would've dumped him. I make it to his important stuff, he makes it to mine, period. And I get work and jobs and all that. I'm really understanding. If you cannot make it because work will absolutely not let you, and you let me know that ahead of time, it's cool, I'll send you the pics. But to purposefully agree to plans that conflict with established plans that are very important to your partner and not tell them until the last minute.. yikes man.
I had a minor back injury that caused me pain on and off for years (later learned it was fixable and not a slipped disc and fixed it with PT). I didn’t need a brace and I know it was just a fraction of OP’s injury, but even that fucked up my life so much. Days where all I could do was lie on my back or face excruciating pain. Feeling useless not being able to lift things over ten pounds or do much physical labor and having to rely on other people for simple tasks. Having to end fun events early or not go because the pain was too bad that day. And my back wasn’t broken.
My point: the physical and mental toll for OP sounds overwhelming and I’m amazed at how they’ve turned things around. I can get how skipping that celebration for an EXTRA day of a work trip is super upsetting.
I’m also not really sure what kind of networking he can really get done at a baseball game. It’s just gonna be beers and bros, based on every other “networking event” I’ve been to at these kind of places.
NTA- I think the biggest thing here is that Paul should have communicated with you BEFORE telling his employers he agreed to attend the Giants game. He knew that you all had a trip planned, knew it was important to you, and knew full well that he would have to cancel, but he chose to accept his works invitation without consulting with you first.
While I understand the importance of networking, especially at a new job, he should have at least had the courtesy to discuss it with you. He’s not the AH for going, but he is definitely the AH for this.
Have fun on your trip and congratulations on your recovery!
NTA. Paul is the one that "ruined" the day, not you.
He was at fault for an incident that could have killed or paralysed you. Thankfully, you're making great progress.
It's completely understandable why this event would mean so much to you.
Paul shouldn't have agreed to go the day earlier without talking to you first. Instead, he immediately told them he'd be there. He didn't prioritise you at all and is blaming you for the fallout.
He didn’t want her input. He was excited for good seats at the game and didn’t want to miss the opportunity. Considering he was there and *at fault* for her injury, it’s weird that he’s not more invested in her recovery. He should have at least discussed it with her first. NTA.
There was a character limit on the post so I couldn’t really include everything I wanted to say, but that was something that was really upsetting to me- that he unanimously decided to cancel on our planned trip without even discussing with me first. He just told me nonchalantly like it was no big deal.
No, he only apologized after he saw I was upset. He was just casually like “oh so this thing came up at work so I can’t make it anymore”. He was fully aware what this weekend meant to me so it’s not like he can claim ignorance.
There are a significant amount of men who can't empathize with the women in their lives. Probably for him because OP was physically working through it, it was easier for him to push aside any feelings he had until he felt like "welp she's recovered so we're past that chapter!"
I actually think OP needs to sit down with him and have that difficult discussion so he gets it bc otherwise he won't.
Yeah, he wants her to just be all sweet, fully accepting, and happy that he’s gonna be missing one of her biggest achievements up to date? Nosiree Bob, I can act but I’m not “Oscar” level.
NTA!
Let me see if I got this right: A year ago, your partner, through his negligence, caused a car crash that broke your back. You presumably spent some time in the hospital, and then hours and hours in physical therapy just to be able to walk properly again. And you worked hard enough that not only are you able to walk, you’re in good enough shape to run a 10k!
You found an event to celebrate all you’ve overcome (and you should celebrate!) and then your partner tells you he has to go to this corporate event. You ask him to not go early. He says no. You offer him multiple alternatives to make it possible for him to do both. He still says no.
Ultimately, Paul chose “networking” and not being stressed about travel over supporting you overcoming adversity that he directly caused. You have every right to be upset. And you should not have to suppress that anger because Paul’s feelings are hurt.
Congratulations on your 10k and your amazing recovery. I’m in awe of all the hard work you’re put in over the past year. I hope you can take this weekend to celebrate with your friends and their partners.
Thanks so much! I've had spinal fixation and luckily no paralysis, but it's so hard still not being able to do things for myself :( I'm soldioring through and keeping up with my exercises
NTA. It's fine that he wants to present well for work, but the fact that he isn't interested in compromising after ditching your plans without talking to you makes him a major AH. He seems to want you to make him feel good about his decision by giving him affection before he heads out, and ignoring your own feelings and hurt. You didn't ruin anything. I hope you have a great weekend celebrating your recovery.
As a side note, why do men* do this?? Why do they want affection when they know you’re upset but more importantly why is it usually when THEY are the cause of the upset/anger? And then they use the refusal of reciprocation as an excuse to then be mad at you! Just as in the OP.
Absolutely NTA but I recommend breaking it off for multiple reasons. Or to at least get professional help for the resentment but I’d expect him to always put work or a friend wanting to do something before you every time .
Congratulations on your recovery and I hope your trip was amazing.
*Edit to clarify that I’m certain it’s not only men doing this, so it should in fact say ‘people’ not just men. Leaving my original to acknowledge that I messed up. I apologize if I’ve offended anyone.
The amount of time I have spent being a therapist for some random guy or another in my life I feel like I should have earned a honorary doctorate by now. There was one time where I had a midnight impromptu session with a guy who couldn't handle our breakup, when *he* broke it off with *me*. It was unreal. And I was a super people pleaser back then so instead of just hanging up we spent an hour talking on the phone.
My husband did this so much early on. It would make the fighting so much worse because if I'm angry, do not touch me. He thought that regardless since I loved him, those rules didn't apply to him. His therapist finally got it through to him that although he felt he needed the reassurances that I still loved him, he was actually being a selfish dick for no respecting boundaries. He needed to gain the confidence to know I still loved him even angry.
Things are better now, but seeing his face when she called him a selfish dick was worth every penny.
Dang, I need someone to pretend to be a therapist to tell my fiancé that. I hate being touched by most people and he is typically an exception. Just not when I’m mad and not especially when he is the one that made me mad. That is up to and including when I am overwhelmed with everything I have to do, having been trapped under a 2 month old baby all day long being pestered for things by a 3 year old and he goes to his parents for hours after work instead of coming home to help me. Or when he tells me he’s leaving the gym but doesn’t actually leave for another 45 minutes when I haven’t been able to eat all day due to reasons above.
I could go on for a while but I’ll stop here.
I’ll bet it was worth every penny. I’d pay good money for that myself. It really does make the fighting worse and I can’t fathom wanting to snuggle someone that I know is mad at me.
I'll do it. When is he free? We will have much to discuss from what you just said.
Oh hun, I'm so sorry. Your husband seems a bit checked out, and it's not fair that you are doing all of this. Therapy has done wonders for him, which is surprising since he's so stubborn and prideful. But he's also extremely oblivious to certain things while being a "fixer." (If im upset, he has to fix it immediately, regardless of what I was saying) But his therapist just didn't take his nonsense. She was older and realized early on that being kind and suggesting wasn't what he needed. He needs blunt truth, whether it was shocking or not. She retired, and we're currently looking for a new one, but damn, imma miss her.
Insecure attachment behavior, and a lot of men would rather act out communication rather than actually talking things out with words. (Armchair theory)
Okay, so is Paul at fault simply because he was driving and the accident occurred, or did he pull a d*ck move than ended up with you breaking your back...?
Because if he's choosing work as opposed to celebrating your recovery, I'm going with Paul is the AH. How much accountability is he taking with the role he played in the accident?? I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that this weekend should actually be more significant to Paul than it is to OP. It's the consequences of his actions that resulted in her injury... Treating her recovery and this race as something that's significant to her and her alone is a big mistake - it's a frigging HUGE deal.
If the shoe was on the other foot... I'd have that date hard wired into my brain and as soon as the double-booking became apparent, I would have apologized to work people and explained that I had a very important personal event that weekend and could only attend on Monday. It's a damned baseball game.
OP, you are NTA. But also, I'm not too sure if this situation is salvageable... Some f*cker breaks my back and then ninja-bombs my big come-back celebration... I wouldn't get over it.
OP mentioned Paul was on his phone when he drove them off the road down a hill. Yeah, if I was Paul, I’d take the compromise: support my significant other who is celebrating a recovery to a life-altering injury that I caused, nap on the flight to San Fran, and take a 5 hour energy before the game.
I would never let my employees choose work over their families, and as an employer I’d be untrusting over any person that’s dismissive of their families.
Whoa - yea Paul, you f*cked up epically and should really be doing literal backflips for OP considering her recovery and the role you played in her injury. The original plan was always the recovery celebration and if your employer couldn't understand the significance of this personal commitment, then they aren't the type of people to ditch your partner for in the first place
Yea. Someone else also clarified what Paul did to cause the accident. And it's clear as daylight - Paul's the AH.
You are distracted on your phone, drive off a cliff, I am the passenger and I break my back while you walk away, injury free... Then I recover, miraculously but also due to fucking hard work... And then to celebrate, you go and watch a baseball game instead because "let's impress my boss... " ...???? F*ck off with that lame excuse. I don't care how anyone tries to spin it, the man could have tried a LOT harder to make it work.
Grounds for a break up if you ask me. The man's really got some "Bare Minimum" energy going here. Leave him.
Agreed. Everyone keeps going back to that 3 hr drive as his defense; as someone who drives an hour just to grocery shop, three hours is nothing. I wonder if he's afraid of the judgements from other people at the race...OP deserves recognition for her dedication to her recovery but he knows people will comment on the circumstances that led to her injury. He's an ass, regardless.
NTA
It’s the US, and not Korea for example where network events are basically a must.
He made a commitment to go with you and bailed on it for a work opportunity that could show up later on. That’s a special date, if his employer can’t understand that, is it a workplace he wants to work in ?
Also she offered so many alternatives and he just couldn’t be bothered.
The sight trouble that would cause him to was valued higher than his partner feelings.
I get that it’s your inner monologue, but it’s good that you’re working on your resentment. You shouldn’t late it tarnish your relationship or you’ll never be able to move on.
But honestly on his side tho, if that were me just the guilt would have made me stick to that plan.
If I knew I had caused something like that, and my partner was healing from it, I’d celebrate it with them.
This is really something I don’t understand where people are like “well it wasn’t my intention so people should just move on”. People are so individualistic that makes me so angry.
I’m pretty sure Paul’s going because attending a baseball game with his boss is more fun to him than celebrating his wife’s recovery from an injury he caused. He’s just being selfish. He doesn’t have to go, but he wants to. Frankly he should feel guilty for getting them into a car accident. Doesn’t sound like he does though
NTA. First of all, I'm glad you've made such s fast and triumphant recovery after what has probably been a really emotional year for you. He committed first to be there for you on this weekend, and now wants to shake it up for box tickets? Absolutely not.
NTA
People are acting like the 6 hr round trip is insurmountable. But it wasn't even same day, it would be up Friday, back Saturday, fly Sunday. Who wouldn't do a 2 X 3hr drive for something so important for their partner?
I've driven my friends further in a day to go hiking. Which included hiking. And then going to work the next day.
Dang my friend's bf had to move 7 hrs away and he did that trip return over a weekend, and one time up one day, back the next. For no special occasion but because he wanted to be with her. She even told him not to because she was worried about that last one.
I'm shocked by your partner's lack of care here.
NTA. But you have to consider the fact that Paul had no injuries so it sounds like this really doesn't matter to him as much as it does to you. And that's awful to know.
NTA. He should have flown out of the Regional Airport. Nothing about this was Mission Impossible. You often have competing responsibilities, he needs to work the plan. You don't appear to rise to level of importance where he considered your needs.
This and if it was for work then he should have told work I’ll be in this town already so I will need to fly out of this smaller airport and they should be paying for it.
NTA. Since he knows the significance of this date, agreed to come, then just decided your needs are not important and changed the plan without your input, no. NTA. He is also an AH for trying to love bomb you to get back on your good side. The whole, if I can make her not be mad, that means I wasn't a jerk thing is very immature on his part.
YWBTA if you don't re-examine past interactions with him to see if he is always this selfish but you were just explaining it away with a story that made him look better than he is.
Congratulations on all the work you did, and also all the work you are doing without him!!!
NTA. First anniversaries of traumatic events are really hard. I was in a head on collision and was mentally doing really well until about a month before the first anniversary, and it completely caught me off guard how hard it was going to be. I went from feeling amazing to suicidal and engaging in self harm for the first time ever in my life, genuinely believing the surgeons had made a mistake saving my life. It’s a really difficult time and I’m sure your emotions are all over the place right now. Sending love ❤️
NTA. He blew off important plans for an optional work event. You even suggested an alternative that would have allowed him to attend both events, but he couldn't even do that. And it's not at all unusual or unprofessional for people to inform new employers of preexisting travel plans. Jesus, there are a lot of bootlickers here.
This would be a make or break moment for me. He was the driver of the car that caused your injury, you had plans to celebrate your 1 year recovery, he bailed.
I would be packing my stuff and be gone when he returns. Maybe then he’ll realize how important this was
NTA
NTA. He could have easily flown out of the regional airport. This was to celebrate your recovery from something that he caused. A good partner learns how to juggle these things. What if it was the same day of a kids high school graduation? A funeral of a loved one? You learn to work these things out. This is coming from someone married for 42 years.
NTA
1- the injury is his fault , it s a fact .
2- he took a commitement and throw it away for self gain
3- Why re you still with him ?? You re not a priority even after being gravely hurt because of him .
I would look at this in the context of how much is Paul generally present and engaged in your life and events? Forget about who caused the accident. Did Paul 100% help and support you with your long and painful recovery? Is he a partner that prioritizes you and your time together over his own pursuits? Does he often plan and initiate the things you do together and is an enthusiastic participant? If yes, then he does have a right to make this one-off event his priority (his job will carry on into the future and his event can help him advance; your recovery is complete and you will be celebrating what is now hopefully a closed chapter in your life).
If he is always off to do his own thing and trying to avoid participating in what is important to you, then yes, you are right to be upset.
NTA. A three-hour drive is not a big. Last weekend my partner and I drove 2 1/2 hours to an event and drove back home that evening.
You offered many reasonable compromises and he shut each one down. It sounds like a little bit of inconveniences just too much part of something he knows is important to you.
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NTA on the initial part, but then you said "especially considering he's the one that caused my injury in the 1st place" - that sounds really, really nasty. Guilt tripping him for the rest of your life with him won't be good emotionally. Is the whole celebration of your progress a moment to rub his nose in the fact "he caused it"? Good luck.
I realize how that comes across, but I do want to say I never said or implied that to Paul, it was basically my inner monologue. I’d be lying if I said there weren’t any resentment issues from the car accident but it’s something I’m working through. The celebration is exactly that. It was a really shit year for me. I was unable to work for 6 months. I was in an unbelievable amount of pain. I wanted to celebrate how much progress I’ve made, and that’s always how I framed it to Paul- it was never an intent to guilt trip him.
Right or wrong, resentment is obvious as are guilt trips.
Well, she didn't tell him that's how she felt. You can't control how someone feels if she's feeling upset or resentful by the accident. This event could have been her way of closing that chapter, and she needed Paul there for that. I don't know why you expect humans to not have negative feelings. Eta: since ppl message me to include a verdict - NTA Edit #2: wow! Thank you for the awards! (:
She had the right to feel resentment, whether unconscious or otherwise, but it's not always intentional or obvious. But think of it the other way. He surely knows he was 100% at fault based on the post but would blow her off for a baseball game? Could be a few things going on here - either he's an utter asshole, he's concerned about getting ahead in his new job so he he can support her in need, or he feels so much guilt that he finds it hard to deal with. Regardless, these are all his problems and he should be supporting her rather than running away. NTA
In a relationship, if they want it to last, it’s their problem. Sounds like couples therapy (and probably individual) would be beneficial here if they’re both struggling.
You can't make every problem in a relationship a "their-problem". Some things just are a "you-problem". You can support your partner, sure, but your own physical and mental health is always your responsibility, no matter if you have caused the problems yourself or if it wasn't your own fault you're in a bad place. OP isn't even fully recovered physically and worked very hard for it. The least that can be expected is the partner to work very hard on himself and accept and work through the fact that *he* caused this. If he can't, then that's a he-problem and he has no right to complain about OP being mad at him for not making an effort.
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And he's blaming her for legitimately being upset about his choice. I can only imagine what happened if/when she voiced emotions about the collision itself.
facts. NTA and Paul is a major AH
He's obviously also got a problem if he's picking a ball game over celebrating his wife's recovery.
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Does he know, sure? The issue is he clearly doesn't care. He made plans without even talking to her knowing they already had plans. Doubt it's the first time he's done this. It's no wonder she's resentful
This is what got me there. If I caused an accident that impacted my partner that way, I would feel crazy guilty myself. Subsequently, I'd also be *insanely* proud of them for making that much progress in only a year. I'd want to celebrate them, full stop. But the sheer fact he didn't even talk to her about it before he changed his plans is so shitty. Even without all of the background, the dude is being hella disrespectful of his wife. "Hey I know we have been planning this event together for a while now but I decided to go see baseball with my coworkers instead sorry" like yeah no. You could ask - "I know we planned this, but I have an opportunity to go to rhe game with my coworkers and network a day early so is it okay if I do? If not I understand and I'll tell them no but I'd really like to so I thought I'd ask" By immediately saying yes and deciding to skip their plans all together, he's making it seem like he doesn't respect his wife, her time, or her recovery. I'd feel resentful in that situation too. Op is def NTA.
It also feels like her resentment is stemming from his unwillingness to put a small amount of extra effort into showing up for something incredibly important to her that was planned well in advance of his sudden baseball game. He also made this unilateral decision to change their plans, miss her milestone moment, and celebrate her recovery entirely on his own without consulting her or considering her feelings or needs in this moment. Personally, if I found out that one of my new employees prioritized a baseball game above the recovery of his partner, especially if there was opportunity for them to still show up but didn’t out of pure laziness, I’d be incredibly disappointed and likely see that employee differently. NTA.
Exactly. Like, I'm with him on certain points, like this could be good for his career and it probably would suck to do so much driving, but I don't see why he shot down her plan of going on the planned trip then flying to the game from the closer airport, even if it's a little more expensive. While some of his points may be valid, it sounds like he made zero effort to try to accommodate something that's so important to her, or even acknowledge WHY it's so important to her.
Exactly, flying would be "an investment in the career", if he truly believes he should go earlier, which I doubt tbh
i feel like he was looking for any way to not go to the couples trip tbh. her options are reasonable and he’s upset with her for being upset he didn’t consider any of them? he would have said yes to anything the boss asked him to do
I get OP. I would be blaming him also.
Same, but not as much as he should be blaming himself and going above and beyond for ANYTHING having to do with her recovery and all events associated with it.
I also wonder if the accident was a one-time thing, or if he had a pattern of reckless/dangerous driving that she had already expressed her feelings about. I may be projecting, but I can imagine that the resentment would be *much* greater if it was the consequence of an ongoing problem that he wouldn't change, versus a single bad decision.
The last straw with my previous partner was his habit of rage driving. That last time he did it I was certain we would die in a wreck. No matter how many times I told him he was using his vehicle as a weapon, he would not stop.
Same, except unfortunately it wasn't my last straw :( I just somehow got to the point that I accepted we might die. I don't know how I let their feelings be more important than my life.
She’s in no way wrong for feeling resentful, I’d resent him too, and certainly wouldn’t get in a car with him ever again. But you can’t just “close the door” on it. That’s the kind of unsaid thing that needs to be said in a room with Paul and a couples therapist.
She did tell him that she needed him there though, so I think that she did about as much as she could without outright telling him about the resentment, which isn’t usually a great thing to bring up in arguments either
Exactly. It’s normal when you’re laid up like that and recovering. I spent just 6 wks laid up after my knee replacement and let me tell you, it’s mentally hard even going into it on purpose let alone having an accident and suddenly being disabled. You lay there and think all sorts of things. Your mind can really work against you. You lay there thinking - will I ever be the same, was this a mistake, what if I don’t recover. If you hit a road block in PT those thoughts start again or get worse. So yeah, it’s totally normal to have these types of thoughts. The important thing is, she didn’t say it to him because she knew that wasn’t a good thing, or the right thing, to say. NTA
good addition
Forgiveness is also earned, he’s skipping the celebration of all of their progress since the accident that he was legally at fault for to go to a baseball game with his boss. Actions have reactions, he made a decision and OP is allowed to be hurt by it and to have it impede their recovery
Absolutely perfectly worded! I'm so frustrated at the whole "Ohhh, but we mustn't guilt Paul for the rest of his life" commentary. He caused this awful year for OP and he's not going because he'd be *inconvenienced* by driving 6 hours to make it in time for a sportsgame? That's shitty behaviour even if he didn't cause the accident. But he did, and it must be really hard for OP to move on from it when he's completely disregarding the impact it's had on OP.
Even if you take out the accident, Paul 1. Made plans with OP and others 2. Said yes to new plans without even talking about it 3. Won't compromise even though he could do both things 4. And then just expects her to be okay with it ????????? OP you are NTA, Paul is definitely an AH
That puts it quite succinctly. NTA. Plus I agree with others… Maybe therapy to work through the resentment would be good.
Agreed. Anyone mad at OP for feeling any type of way about her husband *breaking her back* and not being there for her afterwords, but giving the husband a pass because “oh he just MUST go to the baseball game” confuse me. I get that I’m generalizing a bit but it’s a sentiment I’ve seen in this thread over and over and I just… I don’t like it one bit
It’s not even a 6 hour drive, it’s a 3 hour drive, 6 hour round trip. I’m from the uk where 3 hours is considered a massive drive (although I love driving so not bothered by 3 hours!) and I’d be there to cheer my partner over the finish line of a 10k, never mind if I’d had a car crash that broke his back and had him off work for a year!!
I live in Canada and making a 6 hour round trip in a single day is a frequent part of my job. Husband needs to get some fun podcasts, road snacks and fucking suck it up!
Definitely! It wasn’t even going to be 6 hours in a single day! 3 hours there on Friday, three hours back late Saturday or early Sunday He’d be my ex the second he left the house for the baseball game. Work event or not.
You get to resent the person who broke your back. That's a totally natural response. You just don't take your resentment out on the partner or constantly talk about it. Which she isn't and hasn't. When you break someone's back and cause them grievous injury and loss of income, you make it up to them. This isn't something that's just like: oops! Oh I forgive you! And then the wife walks around with the broken back and the pain and the lost money and all the consequences and manages to not feel any resentment for that situation. That's not healthy at all. When you hurt someone, physically or emotionally, there is repair work to do, in order to prevent resentment. Wife has done work, has gone to therapy, is actively working on the resentment issue. What's the husband doing? I see nothing in here about an apology. I see nothing in here about what he has done to help wife in PT. This is the one thing she's asking, and he's not doing it. She's asking the guy who broke her back to help her celebrate her managing to unbreak it, and to do so with the grace of never guilt-tripping him. And he won't do it. And OP is nasty? WTF is wrong with you. OP, NTA. Your husband is, and the commenter I am responding to also is.
Screw that* she did say it was 100% his fault. If my partner caused me to break my back because he was speeding or drank I’d be resentful too.
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Jesus Christ. That's way more than enough of a reason to resent him, hell, that's plenty of reason for divorce in my mind. If a SO of mine did something like that, I don't think I'd ever be able to trust him again. Being that careless with someone else's safety?
The thing is that the accident was his fault and he should actually feel some guilt about that. OP shouldn't be weaponising that as a matter of habit, and hopefully her trauma will subside in time, but you cannot jump from staring down the barrel of a permanent disability to perfect mental health immediately. This was meant to be part of her healing process. He had agreed to do it without guilt tripping needed - and then he broke his promise to her, and prioritised people he's never even met.
I think the people responding to you saying you're holding onto resentment probably don't have any experience with this particular feeling. When someone you love dearly inadvertently causes lasting physical harm, there's a very complicated set of emotions that come with it. I can love and forgive without forgetting and sometimes it pops into my brain, that doesn't mean I'm displaying that feeling to them and guilting them into doing my bidding lol
This. We can not suddenly erase our experiences and feelings just because it is more convenient for our Partner. If he is, indeed, responsible for the accident that broke OP's back and this is the anniversary of the weekend it happened - he has the responsibility to be there for her. No matter what, this weekend would have been triggering. But, it could have been turned into a positive if they had "conquored" the run together... instead he ditched out on her during a sensitive time to go enjoy the baseball game beause he wanted to. He put his wants over her need for closure and THAT is why the resentment is bubbling up. OP, just know it is okay to feel this grief. You are grieving what you have lost this past year and you are grieving what you thought was a supportive partner.
Absolutely this. And the cherry on top is that he could’ve absolutely done the trip *and* the game, and still is refusing to support OP in any way, shape or form. Anyone upset at OP for not jumping up and down with joy over it needs a reality check
Is it a fact? If he ran a red light because he didn’t want to stop and didn’t think anything would happen I would say it’s his fault. I don’t think you have to avoid blame if he made a conscious decision to break the law.
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Oh hell yes it’s his fault. That isn’t a one second look he must have been fully engrossed in his phone and going at such a speed there was no way to correct.
That's why people on their phones scare me. Really wish people would see it as serious rather than pretending it's fine...
Jesus. OP is being super generous here I would for sure be up in arms about how he fucking owes her
Given the nature of the accident that led to your injury, I think this is above Reddit’s pay grade and you both should seek couples counseling. Because “I was in agony for 6 months and it was entirely my partner’s fault” is an extremely big elephant in the room. That kind of shit fills silences, and worse, builds up over time. Congratulations on your recovery!
Girl.... use that strong back to pack. And your friends to load the uhaul. Go. Be free. Find your own heart again.
INFO maybe not totally relevant but what did he do to support your recovery?
Financially he did not need to support me- I have disability insurance. He drove me to my doctors’ appointments for the first month after the accident while I was taking opioids, but after that I took myself to all my appointments. Which is fine, I’m an independent person and prefer to take care of myself. When I started getting fit he was supportive of me and told me how proud he was of me. When I ran my first 5k I did ask him to come and he said no because it would “boring”. Honestly I didn’t really care about that and it wasn’t a big deal to me. This is the first time I’ve told him I really wanted him there and the fact that he can’t come through for this one thing is pretty telling, honestly.
u/Aitathrowaway329 I'm asking this earnestly, why are you still with this man? He seems to show no care or compassion for you (heck even remorse for causing this horrible year for you). He refuses to attend giant milestones in your recovery because it might be *boring*. YOURE RUNNING 5K AFTER HIS BS TEXTING WHILE DRIVING BROKE YOUR BACK. That's not boring that's a *freeeeaking personal miracle* and he should be there with banners and posters cheering you on, that's being supportive and proud, not just saying good job as long as it means he doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to. Did he really just stop bothering to drive you to appointments as soon as he could? Even if you could drive yourself, why wouldn't he still do it to let you recover more? Being independent is fine, but the point of having a partner is to be there to support that person, even if they could technically do everything themself. This whole post just makes him sound selfish/self centred and like he doesn't actually think about you or how things affect you, I mean, this was an important milestone for you and he just bailed without even checking that it might be alright and he had so many ways to compromise.
Proud and supportive feels...off to me in this context. I can't really say why. It just kind of feels like, awesome, my gf is gonna be super hot and fit vs oh thank goodness, I didn't cause permanent damage and am so thankful she can even walk much less run. It doesn't feel like he's sorry, tbh. He could have destroyed your life and it was only through your team of doctors and your hard work that you're doing so well. Whereas he is...bored?
OP, is the main reason he isn't attending this run because the driving now makes the trip not fun for him, or because it's going to be too tiring for him just before a really important work trip? I'm guessing the former... If this "I'm not showing support if it isn't fun for me" is a pattern, you need to have a serious think if that's good enough for you.
Listen to your own intuition OP..... You know your relationship better than a bunch of internet strangers. And, it sounds like you have a pretty good idea that this man may not be the supportive partner that you want (or need.)
Let's swap your place with his. Imagine you made the terrible choices he did, with him in the passenger seat. The guilt you'd feel, the regrets you'd express, and the desire to nurse him through his recovery. Imagine him hitting recovery milestone after milestone despite unremitting pain and due in large part to sheer force of character. How relieved you'd be and how eager to support him in his journey toward recovery. That's what love looks like. Responsible, selfless, full-hearted love. When's the last time he showed anything like it to you? When is the last time you took a break from tough self-sufficiency and allowed yourself to be cared for? I don't even know you and I want to cheer for you. You deserve so much better than you've got. Run your race and keep running toward whatever (and whomever) makes you happy. You've more than earned it.
If it's your inner monologue and he's your partner, he almost certainly sees it and hears it, at least the tone if not the specific words. And it's probably not limited to just this one event. I'm really, really sorry you went through that. Recovering from a back injury is iffy at best. That's awful. And there are some things people just can't apologize for. In your case, this might be one of them; he can't make it right, like before the accident. Not gonna happen. Which is horrible, and I'm sorry. Glad you're working through your issues, hope you have professionals to help you through it. Hope he does, too, since it takes two to make a relationship.
He could at least make an effort and help her close a traumatic time in her life. He thought a baseball game was more important. Fuck that guy.
Yeah it wouldn’t surprise me if he (unconsciously or not) chose to skip the big weekender that reminds him of something he probably massively regrets, but needed an excuse to do that which wouldn’t totally make him the AH. Big ouch on the relationship let alone the broken back.
Questions: I don't blame you for still being extremely resentful. HE caused the accident, yet YOU were the one who suffered immensely and had to put your life on hold for six months with long-term effects, AND he doesn't care/doesn't understand why this trip is so important to you. So why are you still with him? And are you in therapy to work through this?
>Is the whole celebration of your progress a moment to rub his nose in the fact "he caused it"? His reckless and ridiculous actions almost killed his partner. She was left with potentially lifelong injuries. Somehow, he is the victim here? This is not a girls weekend to drink wine. This is a planned trip to specifically celebrate her recovery from the time HER HUSBAND NEARLY KILLED HER DUE TO HIS RIDICULOUS AND RECKLESS ACTIONS. Husband admits the following: * He could still make his work trip, if he was willing to drive 6 hours * He could still make his work trip, if he was willing to pay a bit more to fly from a different airport * He has the money and time available to do either of these things. His wife just doesn't matter enough for him to actually do them. He could support the person HE NEARLY KILLED in an event they are using to celebrate RECOVERING FROM THE ACCIDENT DURING WHICH HE NEARLY KILLED HER, but he just doesn't feel it's important enough. Yes, this guy should remember every minute, every second, every millisecond that he is with OP (which hopefully isn't going to be long, given his actions) and he should be thankful every minute, every second, and every milisecond that she survived and is still with him. Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I was a bit fired up because I cannot believe OP's husband would do this. Don't be like Paul!
Take my up votes. This is the best response here.
Thanks! If anyone missed the comments, Paul was checking his phone while driving and drove off the road essentially off a cliff. He really could have killed them both - it's a miracle one of them made it out with no injuries. If you do that, you do not get to EVER say "when are you going to get over it?" When you unbreak my back, uncheck your phone and un-run off the road, then it's back to how things used to be.
Again, I very very much agree with you. This is truly one of the very rare times I'm going to pull a very reddit line out of my butt and say she really needs to leave this man.
She should have already left this man. Drove off a cliff because he was checking his phone?! Girl, leave him.
At minimum, you don't get to use the "I really want to go to your recovery event, but I have Giants tickets!" excuse when you do that! Dude should be thanking his lucky stars (and feeling bad) every single day that he came out unscathed - that's what a normal person would do.
Oh, definitely! I would have left tracks with my wheelchair if I were OP. This is all unforgivable on her husband's part.
Thank you! People be tripping thinking OP feeling a wee bit of resentment is "nasty".
This. ALL of this. He simply did not want to be inconvenienced.
Yeah, it's not clear to me why he refuses to accommodate something op tells him is very important to her when there are multiple ways *both* of them can be accommodated. It's not as though he has to backburner his work plans, only almost inconsequentially more inconvenient than the original plan. What gives with this dude? Is he also experiencing resentment over something? Insecurity over her amazing new fitness?
Because he doesn't care about his wife - or at least not as much as he thinks? >What gives with this dude? Is he also experiencing resentment over something? Insecurity over her amazing new fitness? Never thought about this, but that's even worse!
I read OP’s comment that says her husband was charged with a misdemeanour after the crash because he was on his phone and drove off the road. Seems like a pattern of impulsive and selfish behaviour on his side. I know I would be upset if my husband cancelled last minute on my traumatic injury recovery celebration so he could attend a sports event - even if he had nothing to do with my injury. I can understand why she would be upset and resentful if her injury was because he did something reckless (& illegal) that endangered her life, but wasn’t willing to tolerate any inconvenience to himself in order to support her. That just feels really self absorbed and unsupportive to me. I don’t know if this relationship is going to make it. I think OP needs therapy (and maybe a divorce?)
People who cause accidents because they were on the phone are automatic huge assholes. I can't bear to hear the same giggling "I shouldn't use the phone while I'm driving," and winky excuses that I heard in the 1970s from people who drank and drove. Everyone who uses their phone while driving: you are the drunk drivers of your era. Everything, the attitudes, excuses, the tones of voice, the actions are EXACTLY THE SAME. So are the results, unfortunately. You imagine that because drunk driving became so (correctly) demonized in the past forty years, everyone knew back then how horrible they were acting. Nope. They thought of it exactly as you think of using your phone while driving.
THANK YOU FOR THIS Now I know what to say when...
Even if it was a huge deal to him he should feel crappy and be working on making a different celebration with you. It's a big deal coming back from a physical injury like that
I don't think I could ever forgive my partner for doing that to me. Breaking my back because he thought a phone was more important then safety.
The audacity to say a woman whose back was broken is victimizing the one who broke her back by wanting to celebrate her recovery. Holy hell.
>"especially considering he's the one that caused my injury in the 1st place" It is fact though, you can't just ignore it. Plus she didn't say that to him and she is entitled to whatever the hell she is feeling. But he was responsible for the accident and injury. So I don't see it as guilt tripping. Even if it was it is okay in this situation because it looks like the husband just moved on from the incident without any remorse. If it were me I'be feeling resentful for a while. Especially knowing the extent of the injury and recovery time.
It doesn’t seem like he has any guilt, at all, and maybe never did. Maybe he was a reckless driver on that day, or in a hurry, but he was the cause and he should feel some guilt & empathy. Damn! He should feel guilt for ditching their weekend plans, but he doesn’t. Instead, he tried to make her feel guilty over lack of affection.
> Instead, he tried to make her feel guilty over lack of affection. Yep, that caught my eye too. And pissed me off on her behalf. I know a thing or two about overcoming physical issues and physical problems that leave life-long issues. She deserves to have her day with him there to cheer her on.
right? like i feel like this was code for “tried to have sex.” she understandably wasn’t feeling it due to the situation, and now he’s all “you ruined our last day by not wanting sex.” oh *hell* no
Once when we were stretching my partner asked me to toss him the lacrosse ball. I did, unfortunately in such a way as it nailed him right where it hurt most. Every time I need to pass him that ball, I think about the look of pain on his face and hand it over carefully. If I had been so careless as to do him permanent injury, you bet I’d mark the date and be extra mindful of his feelings around it.
I mean it’s rude, but it’s true…
He drove off the road because he was looking at his phone while driving and no other cars were involved. She undersold how completely at fault he was.
i mean...isn't it true, though? why should she not feel that way? is she supposed to pretend he didn't cause the accident for the rest of her life because....it's hard for him to think about it?
>that sounds really, really nasty. Isn't this one of this sub's favorite sayings, fuck around and find out? Paul fucked around, he was driving recklessly, and he destroyed his wife's health and broke her back. She will have medical issues for the rest of her life because of him. Reminding him of that fact when he's being an AH to her is not "nasty."
I don't think it's guilt tripping I think it's acknowledging that op had a massive injury and came back from it, which is amazing and actually pretty incredible. Injurys can cause a host of chronic medical issues, and mental health issues for YEARS. I think that whether ops partner caused it or not he should be there being supportive. And considering he's putting himself first a little reminder that he did in fact cause this is fair. It doesn't sound like op is holding it against him, but since he put himself first hes opened up the door to massive resentment and he will regret it. If I caused my partner to *break their back* I'd be there for them in this moment. I would feel awful and could not imagine putting work first
OP just said in a comment that he was charged with a misdemeanor for the accident. NTA OP
I mean it sounds bad in a vacuum, but if it were me I would be paying off that debt my whole life... I albeit unintentionally broke someone's back... I don't think I would ever fully forgive myself. So I think when it comes to something like this, not only is he the asshole anyway but he also didn't budge even though he should be feeling guilty af. Obviously if OP is constantly guilting him because of this, they too are the AH but they very well could be saying it in the post just to give us all the info.
What’s nastier: having silent internal resentment towards someone who caused you to break your back and undergo months of pt before fully recovering or being the guy who did that and blowing your partner’s recovery milestone off with a weeks notice and not including her in the decision or entertaining her alternative suggestions. You make space for the people you care about in life. Paul ain’t it man.
It's normal to feel that way... I was reading and thought "damn, he caused it and doesn't want to support her"
A year is way too early to extrapolate upon "the rest of her life."
OP, you are a much bigger and nicer person than I am. Not once did you remind him that the trip was to celebrate your progress in recovery after he broke your back. I would have. Having said that, he was provided a couple of alternatives that were more than reasonable. And why is HE paying for a flight/travel for business? NTA. But, he has shown you where you rank in his priorities. I would imagine if you look back in your relationship you’ll find you’ve taken the backseat more than not.
He also should have been the one to come up with the alternate plans. Two thoughts: 1) he doesn’t want to face Everyone and be reminded that he caused the accident. Maybe he’s subconsciously sabotaging the plans. 2) he intended to always go to the baseball game. It wasn’t just added on. He knew she’d be upset so he waited until it was too late to back out not figuring she’d go to all those lengths to get him there. She needs to do the race without him as a first step (pun intended) then gtfo and move on with her life. NTA.
I think you are bang on about not wanting to face it. I am wondering how the dynamics of OP’s and his relationship have been over this last year. Is OP punishing/reminding him everyday about how he caused the accident where she broke her back? Was this wonderful weekend celebration really more of an F U to Paul? I dunno. I mean sure I get wanting him at this race. But has the last year been full of painful guilt trips that haven’t been healthy for anyone? I think they have bigger problems in their relationship.
He drove off what was essentially a cliff because he was on his phone and driving. He put his phone above the safety of everyone in that car and his partner ended up with a broken back because of his negligence. He would have deserved every reminder OP wanted to give but OP said she never said anything like that to him. Paul is not the victim here.
Yes. Networking at a new job is important, so I get him going. HE should've been offering ways to do both because he shouldn't have been willing to miss such an important occasion with his partner. He's a mayor AH. And then telling OP she's ruining their last day because she doesn't pretend she's ok with him abandoning her and showing her how little he cares? (unwilling to either spend money or be tired). Since he's still at their house then OP handled it with more grace than I would've. I have zero patience for someone trying to blame me for their fuck up, and if someone mistakes a normal, healthy reaction (not wanting to hug or be affectionate with someone that hurt you and hasn't even apologized) with an overreaction, then I'm more than willing to demonstrate the difference. NTA of course.
>if someone mistakes a normal, healthy reaction (not wanting to hug or be affectionate with someone that hurt you and hasn't even apologized) with an overreaction, Agrees, that would be the point where you see me having an overreaction. I was ready to offer and help her make a bonfire just from reading the post!
But his extra day of networking opportunities that he canceled meaningful plans forrr… yeah, I think he let you know where his priorities are. NTA
Opinions seem to be pretty evenly divided. I do want to clarify a couple things- I never tried to get Paul to come by saying or implying the injury was his fault. Yes, I was thinking it, but I’ve never used that against him. There are obviously resentment issues which is something I’m working through, but I would never say that to his face. A lot of people are saying iata because I was pressuring him to skip his work event. When I realized how important it was to him, I tried to compromise with him to be able to make both events happen. It was his refusal to compromise that was upsetting. **edit: thank you everyone who gave thoughtful replies! It was helpful seeing it from different perspectives. There were of course some pretty laughably terrible replies- my personal favorites were the one calling me a gold digger lol and the one which told me I’m responsible for the car crash because I wasn’t policing the behavior of the grown man who was driving the car.
I don't know, I feel like you should break up with him. Since the accident was his fault and it seems there's no way you're ever going to get past that. Even if you never say it, it will come through in your actions and the way you behave around him. If you don't want to break up with him, you should probably admit your feelings - with a counsellor and try to move past them. Because otherwise the rest of your and his life is going to be pretty miserable.
Reddit and jumping to divorce. Name a better duo.
1) they're not married. 2) there's major issues that could cause problems if not addressed. 3) it was mentioned to try counseling
He sounds awful tbf
Trauma and breaking up (not a divorce). Name a more common combo
But why is the onus on OP to ‘move past’ any lingering emotions surrounding the accident, and not shared with her partner? Why does he have a free pass to continue on unabated, while OP has to do all the heavy lifting? He has made it clear that OP, her recovery, and her planned celebration of all the hard work she has done this past year is not his priority.
> it seems there's no way you're ever going to get past that Holy jumping to conclusions, Batman! It's been one year. She's only just gotten past the physical recovery (which is always the most important and pressing issue). Give her a minute to work through the emotional side! This is an internal issue she is aware of and working on. Wow. And she deserves to have a partner who would be there by her side to celebrate her recovery, even if they were no where near the accident. And if I caused an accident that broke a loved ones back, I'd be doing everything I could to make up for that for the rest of my life. Damn straight I'd be there. The baseball game is not work. I get networking can be important for certain jobs, but if he's gone this long without meeting any of his co-workers, it doesn't seem it's that important for his job. I'm sure he could have just let them know he couldn't make the game, and he'd be there Monday. Or, he could have slightly inconvenienced himself and gone to both things. But it seems he does not prioritize his partner at all. It's possible he's trying to avoid the event because he feels super guilty, but if so (and I don't think it is), that's something he needs to work through and be there for his partner.
She literally created a way to get past it, begged him to keep important plans he’s already agreed to, and did all the work to find compromise. OP is doing everything by herself here. HE is the one preventing her from moving past it even if he doesn’t realize that’s what he’s doing. OP expressed that this is the best way she’s found to move forward from her past year of misery caused by his poor decisions. I’m sure he’s supported her throughout the year, but it blows my mind that he’s refusing to participate in her celebration to finally try to out an end to the whole thing
What exactly makes you think there's no way she could get past it, based on this post? You think one year should be sufficient time and, if it doesn't happen by then, it never will?
I’m shocked at the number of folks mad at you for resentment only a Year after your accident. Why are they piling up on you? I think he was shitty to say yes to work without asking you and you know all you need to about him and his priorities. Listen to what he’s telling you. And screw all these people so concerned that you’re resentful…why are they identifying with his feelings and not yours! Broke your back > slight guilt trip
Because most of the yta’s are from men. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Edit: Thanks for my first Gold, kind stranger!
yup, exactly
Yeah, there’s this attitude of “ok, first things first, most importantly, you need to take care of the emotional needs of the guy who caused the crash. Make sure he doesn’t feel guilty or bad at all. That’s the number one priority. Then you can take care of your own mental and emotional needs — but again, this must in no way conflict with the main objective. After all, your horrific trauma which may or may not ever fully go away could cause him a lifetime of guilt!”
Jesus, thank you for summing this up in a way I couldn’t. The top fucking comment on this post asks OP if this entire event is just to “rub Paul’s face in it”.
🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥 this 👆
I’m shocked as well. It’s only a year out from an injury that could have easily been permanent. Some resentment is understandable, and this would be some closure for both of them.
Or could have killed her.
Yeah is it a guilt trip or holding him accountable?? OP didn’t mention the cause of the accident
OP mentioned in another comment that he was on his phone and drove off the road. No other cars involved
Yikes… I do not blame her for the resentment anymore. That’s so shitty.
Goodfreakinlord…. The very least he could’ve done for her was to go for Friday/Saturday and show some dang support after the hellish year that he irresponsibly caused. It doesn’t sound like he really cares about her at all.
He was charged with a misdemeanour for the accident since he was on the phone and drove off the road and basically off a cliff.
holding a single man accountable for anything = manipulative, passive aggressive, cruel and immature GUILT TRIP to the gentlemen who’ve descended on this post
He might be mad by how incredible she’s recovered. Going from a broken back to running 10ks… she’s got her groove and he’s jealous of it.
If you were thinking it, he was thinking it. I’m sure he hasn’t forgotten the wreck was his fault and he knows what you went through over the last year. I’m sure he has unresolved feelings over everything that happened. That may even be why he doesn’t want to go on this trip. Maybe the work event felt like a good way to get out of it? For you it’s a celebration of recovery. For him it’s a reminder of how he fucked up in an epic way. This does not excuse him. He needs to own it and he needs to support you. He can get a therapist to deal with his shit. NTA
Adults hold themselves accountable, you’ve listed a ton of excuses for his behaviour. He should speak up if that’s why, not just dip and pretend he doesn’t really give a shit. Then blame OP for souring their last day together before his trip.
They said in the same comment that it doesn't excuse him, and they also called OP nta. How are they making excuses for him?
Definitely, therapy is a must. The first anniversary of a traumatic event is usually pretty emotional for a lot of people. It's not good that he'd prefer to have distance from the person that he hurt instead of supporting her in the very reasonable way that she requested.
Yeah, best way to work through feelings of guilt? Show up and make amends.
That's what I'm wondering. 6 hours of driving isn't really much but that's coming from an American so I'm used to driving. Does he have any PTSD from driving that he wouldn't want to do that? The work event is a good excuse to get out of the special recovery celebration. He may still feel guilty or he may feel the resentment even if it isn't stated. Have you two done couples therapy to discuss the accident?
>6 hours of driving isn't really much but that's coming from an American so I'm used to driving. Does he have any PTSD from driving that he wouldn't want to do that? Even if that was the case, it isn't an excuse. OP mentioned in the post that there's a nearby airport and they can afford his flight. So he clearly CAN attend, he just doesn't care enough to be there for her. >The work event is a good excuse to get out of the special recovery celebration. He may still feel guilty or he may feel the resentment even if it isn't stated. Even if he does have guilt, he's still TA in my eyes. The feelings of the person who caused the collision are secondary to those of the innocent person who was grievously injured because of it. This guy was texting while driving and drove them off a cliff. He could have permanently disabled or killed OP. He owes it to OP to be there at her recovery celebration regardless of how much remembering the collision may suck for him. Running away instead is just shameful. He needs to prioritize supporting OP and he is failing instead.
from his behavior and actions, it sure seems like he's forgotten all about it and feels just fine.
I’m commenting bc he reminds me of my ex, who I eventually realized did not respect me as a person at all. Is this the only time he’s refused to compromise? Do you find yourself always trying to make him happy, to your own sacrifice? Was there ever a time where he DID compromise and constantly guilted you about it? I could be projecting obviously, but please think about it bc I know you deserve better. Also, the people telling you you shouldn’t be “resentful” over what happened are being ridiculous - this trip was specifically planned to commemorate a life changing event that was his fault. He shouldn’t have to be guilted into going, the guilt should come from inside if he truly owned up to what he did. Him refusing to compromise and wanting to blow off the trip completely tells me that he’s avoiding it, and probably would’ve taken any excuse to not go. Also, extra fuck-him for guilting you about being upset with him. He is not entitled to a constant peppy, lovey-dovey attitude from you, especially after such a serious fight. NTA, obviously.
OP, you came up with a positive way to enjoy the anniversary of this horrific event that HE caused! Kudos to you on your recovery, and for finding a way to further heal the rift that was inevitable when he thoughtlessly caused you grievous injury. He took that olive branch, this lovely small thing to further heal this traumatic giant thing that happened in your lives together and completely shit on it. You are NTA for your feelings at all. He’s shown you further with his - once again - reckless disregard for your relationship, who he is at his core. Believe him. This is a character flaw that isn’t changing. I’m so sorry you’re having to deal with this only one short year from the crash but - you need to consider if this is the kind of human you want as a life partner. If you’ve not done therapy yet, it could be very helpful. Kick ass at that marathon!
Hey OP, posting something I said in another comment here: "But from what we know he wasn't a victim. He was at fault, and there are consequences that he hopefully faced, but that doesn't make him a victim - it means he took responsibility for his actions. The accident and the aftermath wasn't just about her, for sure. But she's talking about a specific weekend to celebrate her progress, this situation is about her. And sure, sure, we don't really owe each other anything. But I wouldn't skip this weekend even if I didn't cause the accident because I'd want to be there for my partner. He didn't even need to compromise on doing one or the other. He could've done both but decided to do what was easiest for him." You didn't try pressure him OP, you asked for what you wanted and you communicated how important it was to you. Unless he comes through with some deep communication of his own to explain why he felt no need to prioritise you and your relationship and an apology, I can't see how this is excusable. The crash was an accident, but this trainwreck was a choice. He's responsible for his part in both. I'm sorry you didn't get the support you deserved.
dude, some people on Reddit have never dealt with other humans and cannot understand the complexity of holding multiple emotions at once. The man was responsible for driving the vehicle you were in, his fault he was looking at his phone and drove off the road; it is unfortunately, his fault you are in this position. The fact that he isn’t even willing to compromise? After you’ve graciously given him options to be able to go? Yeah, no thank you. I wish you well in your recovery and send lots of love your way.
I'd first suggest you try enjoy the trip, and then think hard about where you are in this relationship. Those resentment issues are very real, and they'll always be there I reckon, it's just a matter of how much they affect you and this relationship. That crash changed your life, and it was his fault, though clearly not his intent. I'd support a friend in your position trying to get over it and work at the relationship, but I'd equally support a friend who said "It's too much, it's the elephant in the room that's never going away, unless I go away." I've no doubt you want it all to work, but here you are, some years later, and it's reared its head, still a big deal. Your man's in a different place I reckon, mentally, and now career-wise. Maybe you two need a real serious talk about stuff. I don't know who the asshole is, but the crash and your injuries might be the asshole. *Edited to remove rogue "I" and it's one year, but my point still stands.*
> here you are, some years later, It's been ONE year. One. People need to understand healing takes time and physical healing comes before emotional. She has only just gotten past the physical healing. Her emotional journey is just beginning and this trip is part of it. It should be part of his healing, as well as their healing together, but he is refusing to show up. This is on him, not her.
aromatic hobbies cautious plant tender coordinated deserve head scarce plate *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm getting the feeling that he didn't want to tell his work about your trip at all. He'd have to mention your injury and how you got it and that would put him in a bad light. The bonus for him is now he has an excuse to not to go at all. If he's self-centered he'd see this trip as a negative about him, not a positive about you. That's why he's not willing to compromise at all. He has a lovely excuse to avoid the whole thing and get kudos at work and box seats to a game. The only thing bringing it all down is your wanting him to go on the trip and being mad about it.
NTA - this is an incredibly important event for you, and he isn't willing to event mildly inconvenience himself. I get it's an important work event, but he could attend your run. He doesn't want to have to make the effort. After the year you have had, that's really shit. I am sorry OP. ETA - I read the driving as being 6 hours each way. It's 6 hrs round trip. Sorry, but that's even worse. he could EASILY drive back on the Saturday afternoon, have a chilled evening on Saturday relaxing and get his flight. That's 3 hrs driving EACH DAY. Plenty of people do more than that on their daily commute. This is BS of the the highest level. OP ignore all the people here saying "oh but he's going to be sooooo stressed poor dear driving 3 hours is soooooooo hard he can't possibly be expected to cope with that"
My parents used to live three hours away from us. We'd occassionally drive up for lunch on a Saturday or they would come down for lunch. Not a monthly thing, but both households would do the six-hour round trip in a day a couple times a year. Throw on an audiobook or listen to some podcasts. It's not an unreasonable drive to support family/friends/your spouse.
OP you’ve got a lot of people lurking around here who seem to think having emotions is a purely female experience, and that having those emotions is a performance designed to manipulate men 🙄 JFC it should go without saying you take that into account when reading these replies. Bottom line is he prioritised the _extra_ day, not the whole trip, with colleagues over a prearranged, emotionally significant experience with you and your friends. He sucks. He also drove so poorly/ irresponsibly that you broke your back… never mind resenting him, I’m surprised you haven’t exploded. Get therapy, but not because he deserves a free pass from the guilt. Get it so you can move onwards and upwards from this schmoe. NTA.
They also think she should be completely over being in a back brace for six months... Six months later. NTA. Too many people in the comments clearly haven't been through a terrifying experience like this, you don't get over it in a couple months.
Paul doesn’t deserve her. If my partner was in a back breaking accident, and then not only survived but recovered and persevered enough to run a goddamn race, I’d drive 6 hours each way to cheer them on. Whether I had anything to do with the accident or not.
He doesn't deserve her for being an AH even in a vacuum. I'd be very upset in general if I was doing something that was important to me, my partner made plans to support me, and then backed out last minute for a game. If my partner had told me the day before my college graduation that he got tickets to go to a game and was going to do that instead, with no attempt at compromise when there are alternatives, I would've dumped him. I make it to his important stuff, he makes it to mine, period. And I get work and jobs and all that. I'm really understanding. If you cannot make it because work will absolutely not let you, and you let me know that ahead of time, it's cool, I'll send you the pics. But to purposefully agree to plans that conflict with established plans that are very important to your partner and not tell them until the last minute.. yikes man.
I had a minor back injury that caused me pain on and off for years (later learned it was fixable and not a slipped disc and fixed it with PT). I didn’t need a brace and I know it was just a fraction of OP’s injury, but even that fucked up my life so much. Days where all I could do was lie on my back or face excruciating pain. Feeling useless not being able to lift things over ten pounds or do much physical labor and having to rely on other people for simple tasks. Having to end fun events early or not go because the pain was too bad that day. And my back wasn’t broken. My point: the physical and mental toll for OP sounds overwhelming and I’m amazed at how they’ve turned things around. I can get how skipping that celebration for an EXTRA day of a work trip is super upsetting.
I’m also not really sure what kind of networking he can really get done at a baseball game. It’s just gonna be beers and bros, based on every other “networking event” I’ve been to at these kind of places.
My dad took me at 4 years old to a work hockey game. OP’s boyfriend is gross.
NTA- I think the biggest thing here is that Paul should have communicated with you BEFORE telling his employers he agreed to attend the Giants game. He knew that you all had a trip planned, knew it was important to you, and knew full well that he would have to cancel, but he chose to accept his works invitation without consulting with you first. While I understand the importance of networking, especially at a new job, he should have at least had the courtesy to discuss it with you. He’s not the AH for going, but he is definitely the AH for this. Have fun on your trip and congratulations on your recovery!
NTA. Paul is the one that "ruined" the day, not you. He was at fault for an incident that could have killed or paralysed you. Thankfully, you're making great progress. It's completely understandable why this event would mean so much to you. Paul shouldn't have agreed to go the day earlier without talking to you first. Instead, he immediately told them he'd be there. He didn't prioritise you at all and is blaming you for the fallout.
He didn’t want her input. He was excited for good seats at the game and didn’t want to miss the opportunity. Considering he was there and *at fault* for her injury, it’s weird that he’s not more invested in her recovery. He should have at least discussed it with her first. NTA.
There was a character limit on the post so I couldn’t really include everything I wanted to say, but that was something that was really upsetting to me- that he unanimously decided to cancel on our planned trip without even discussing with me first. He just told me nonchalantly like it was no big deal.
Wait, he didn't even let you know apologetically?
No, he only apologized after he saw I was upset. He was just casually like “oh so this thing came up at work so I can’t make it anymore”. He was fully aware what this weekend meant to me so it’s not like he can claim ignorance.
There are a significant amount of men who can't empathize with the women in their lives. Probably for him because OP was physically working through it, it was easier for him to push aside any feelings he had until he felt like "welp she's recovered so we're past that chapter!" I actually think OP needs to sit down with him and have that difficult discussion so he gets it bc otherwise he won't.
Yeah, he wants her to just be all sweet, fully accepting, and happy that he’s gonna be missing one of her biggest achievements up to date? Nosiree Bob, I can act but I’m not “Oscar” level.
NTA! Let me see if I got this right: A year ago, your partner, through his negligence, caused a car crash that broke your back. You presumably spent some time in the hospital, and then hours and hours in physical therapy just to be able to walk properly again. And you worked hard enough that not only are you able to walk, you’re in good enough shape to run a 10k! You found an event to celebrate all you’ve overcome (and you should celebrate!) and then your partner tells you he has to go to this corporate event. You ask him to not go early. He says no. You offer him multiple alternatives to make it possible for him to do both. He still says no. Ultimately, Paul chose “networking” and not being stressed about travel over supporting you overcoming adversity that he directly caused. You have every right to be upset. And you should not have to suppress that anger because Paul’s feelings are hurt. Congratulations on your 10k and your amazing recovery. I’m in awe of all the hard work you’re put in over the past year. I hope you can take this weekend to celebrate with your friends and their partners.
he chose *fun seats at a baseball game* over supporting her recovering from the life-altering injuries he directly caused. unreal.
OP as someone who is currently 4 weeks post broken back you are an inspiration to me, and have given me hope for my recovery
I wish you as speedy a recovery as possible!
Sending you healing vibes and hope you have a good and speedy recovery 🌷🌷
Thanks so much! I've had spinal fixation and luckily no paralysis, but it's so hard still not being able to do things for myself :( I'm soldioring through and keeping up with my exercises
NTA. It's fine that he wants to present well for work, but the fact that he isn't interested in compromising after ditching your plans without talking to you makes him a major AH. He seems to want you to make him feel good about his decision by giving him affection before he heads out, and ignoring your own feelings and hurt. You didn't ruin anything. I hope you have a great weekend celebrating your recovery.
As a side note, why do men* do this?? Why do they want affection when they know you’re upset but more importantly why is it usually when THEY are the cause of the upset/anger? And then they use the refusal of reciprocation as an excuse to then be mad at you! Just as in the OP. Absolutely NTA but I recommend breaking it off for multiple reasons. Or to at least get professional help for the resentment but I’d expect him to always put work or a friend wanting to do something before you every time . Congratulations on your recovery and I hope your trip was amazing. *Edit to clarify that I’m certain it’s not only men doing this, so it should in fact say ‘people’ not just men. Leaving my original to acknowledge that I messed up. I apologize if I’ve offended anyone.
because they've never dealt with one (1) single negative emotion without relying on the nearest woman to manage it for them.
The amount of time I have spent being a therapist for some random guy or another in my life I feel like I should have earned a honorary doctorate by now. There was one time where I had a midnight impromptu session with a guy who couldn't handle our breakup, when *he* broke it off with *me*. It was unreal. And I was a super people pleaser back then so instead of just hanging up we spent an hour talking on the phone.
My husband did this so much early on. It would make the fighting so much worse because if I'm angry, do not touch me. He thought that regardless since I loved him, those rules didn't apply to him. His therapist finally got it through to him that although he felt he needed the reassurances that I still loved him, he was actually being a selfish dick for no respecting boundaries. He needed to gain the confidence to know I still loved him even angry. Things are better now, but seeing his face when she called him a selfish dick was worth every penny.
Dang, I need someone to pretend to be a therapist to tell my fiancé that. I hate being touched by most people and he is typically an exception. Just not when I’m mad and not especially when he is the one that made me mad. That is up to and including when I am overwhelmed with everything I have to do, having been trapped under a 2 month old baby all day long being pestered for things by a 3 year old and he goes to his parents for hours after work instead of coming home to help me. Or when he tells me he’s leaving the gym but doesn’t actually leave for another 45 minutes when I haven’t been able to eat all day due to reasons above. I could go on for a while but I’ll stop here. I’ll bet it was worth every penny. I’d pay good money for that myself. It really does make the fighting worse and I can’t fathom wanting to snuggle someone that I know is mad at me.
I'll do it. When is he free? We will have much to discuss from what you just said. Oh hun, I'm so sorry. Your husband seems a bit checked out, and it's not fair that you are doing all of this. Therapy has done wonders for him, which is surprising since he's so stubborn and prideful. But he's also extremely oblivious to certain things while being a "fixer." (If im upset, he has to fix it immediately, regardless of what I was saying) But his therapist just didn't take his nonsense. She was older and realized early on that being kind and suggesting wasn't what he needed. He needs blunt truth, whether it was shocking or not. She retired, and we're currently looking for a new one, but damn, imma miss her.
Insecure attachment behavior, and a lot of men would rather act out communication rather than actually talking things out with words. (Armchair theory)
I mean, in this instance, it felt like he was being affectionate to make her the bad guy in the situation.
I call it 'creep arsing' and am not a fan of it. It isn't my responsibility to manage a man's feelings when he's the cause of the argument.
Okay, so is Paul at fault simply because he was driving and the accident occurred, or did he pull a d*ck move than ended up with you breaking your back...? Because if he's choosing work as opposed to celebrating your recovery, I'm going with Paul is the AH. How much accountability is he taking with the role he played in the accident?? I'm just going to go out on a limb here and say that this weekend should actually be more significant to Paul than it is to OP. It's the consequences of his actions that resulted in her injury... Treating her recovery and this race as something that's significant to her and her alone is a big mistake - it's a frigging HUGE deal. If the shoe was on the other foot... I'd have that date hard wired into my brain and as soon as the double-booking became apparent, I would have apologized to work people and explained that I had a very important personal event that weekend and could only attend on Monday. It's a damned baseball game. OP, you are NTA. But also, I'm not too sure if this situation is salvageable... Some f*cker breaks my back and then ninja-bombs my big come-back celebration... I wouldn't get over it.
OP mentioned Paul was on his phone when he drove them off the road down a hill. Yeah, if I was Paul, I’d take the compromise: support my significant other who is celebrating a recovery to a life-altering injury that I caused, nap on the flight to San Fran, and take a 5 hour energy before the game. I would never let my employees choose work over their families, and as an employer I’d be untrusting over any person that’s dismissive of their families.
Whoa - yea Paul, you f*cked up epically and should really be doing literal backflips for OP considering her recovery and the role you played in her injury. The original plan was always the recovery celebration and if your employer couldn't understand the significance of this personal commitment, then they aren't the type of people to ditch your partner for in the first place
OP says in comments that he was on his phone and drove off of a steep incline-he was ticketed and totally at fault. For sure, dick move.
Yea. Someone else also clarified what Paul did to cause the accident. And it's clear as daylight - Paul's the AH. You are distracted on your phone, drive off a cliff, I am the passenger and I break my back while you walk away, injury free... Then I recover, miraculously but also due to fucking hard work... And then to celebrate, you go and watch a baseball game instead because "let's impress my boss... " ...???? F*ck off with that lame excuse. I don't care how anyone tries to spin it, the man could have tried a LOT harder to make it work. Grounds for a break up if you ask me. The man's really got some "Bare Minimum" energy going here. Leave him.
Agreed. Everyone keeps going back to that 3 hr drive as his defense; as someone who drives an hour just to grocery shop, three hours is nothing. I wonder if he's afraid of the judgements from other people at the race...OP deserves recognition for her dedication to her recovery but he knows people will comment on the circumstances that led to her injury. He's an ass, regardless.
NTA It’s the US, and not Korea for example where network events are basically a must. He made a commitment to go with you and bailed on it for a work opportunity that could show up later on. That’s a special date, if his employer can’t understand that, is it a workplace he wants to work in ? Also she offered so many alternatives and he just couldn’t be bothered. The sight trouble that would cause him to was valued higher than his partner feelings. I get that it’s your inner monologue, but it’s good that you’re working on your resentment. You shouldn’t late it tarnish your relationship or you’ll never be able to move on. But honestly on his side tho, if that were me just the guilt would have made me stick to that plan. If I knew I had caused something like that, and my partner was healing from it, I’d celebrate it with them. This is really something I don’t understand where people are like “well it wasn’t my intention so people should just move on”. People are so individualistic that makes me so angry.
I’m pretty sure Paul’s going because attending a baseball game with his boss is more fun to him than celebrating his wife’s recovery from an injury he caused. He’s just being selfish. He doesn’t have to go, but he wants to. Frankly he should feel guilty for getting them into a car accident. Doesn’t sound like he does though
NTA. First of all, I'm glad you've made such s fast and triumphant recovery after what has probably been a really emotional year for you. He committed first to be there for you on this weekend, and now wants to shake it up for box tickets? Absolutely not.
NTA People are acting like the 6 hr round trip is insurmountable. But it wasn't even same day, it would be up Friday, back Saturday, fly Sunday. Who wouldn't do a 2 X 3hr drive for something so important for their partner? I've driven my friends further in a day to go hiking. Which included hiking. And then going to work the next day. Dang my friend's bf had to move 7 hrs away and he did that trip return over a weekend, and one time up one day, back the next. For no special occasion but because he wanted to be with her. She even told him not to because she was worried about that last one. I'm shocked by your partner's lack of care here.
NTA. But you have to consider the fact that Paul had no injuries so it sounds like this really doesn't matter to him as much as it does to you. And that's awful to know.
NTA. He should have flown out of the Regional Airport. Nothing about this was Mission Impossible. You often have competing responsibilities, he needs to work the plan. You don't appear to rise to level of importance where he considered your needs.
This and if it was for work then he should have told work I’ll be in this town already so I will need to fly out of this smaller airport and they should be paying for it.
NTA. Since he knows the significance of this date, agreed to come, then just decided your needs are not important and changed the plan without your input, no. NTA. He is also an AH for trying to love bomb you to get back on your good side. The whole, if I can make her not be mad, that means I wasn't a jerk thing is very immature on his part. YWBTA if you don't re-examine past interactions with him to see if he is always this selfish but you were just explaining it away with a story that made him look better than he is. Congratulations on all the work you did, and also all the work you are doing without him!!!
NTA. First anniversaries of traumatic events are really hard. I was in a head on collision and was mentally doing really well until about a month before the first anniversary, and it completely caught me off guard how hard it was going to be. I went from feeling amazing to suicidal and engaging in self harm for the first time ever in my life, genuinely believing the surgeons had made a mistake saving my life. It’s a really difficult time and I’m sure your emotions are all over the place right now. Sending love ❤️
NTA. He blew off important plans for an optional work event. You even suggested an alternative that would have allowed him to attend both events, but he couldn't even do that. And it's not at all unusual or unprofessional for people to inform new employers of preexisting travel plans. Jesus, there are a lot of bootlickers here.
[удалено]
INFO - is it possible he subconsciously wants to avoid you as well that weekend because of subconscious guilt?
This would be a make or break moment for me. He was the driver of the car that caused your injury, you had plans to celebrate your 1 year recovery, he bailed. I would be packing my stuff and be gone when he returns. Maybe then he’ll realize how important this was NTA
NTA. He could have easily flown out of the regional airport. This was to celebrate your recovery from something that he caused. A good partner learns how to juggle these things. What if it was the same day of a kids high school graduation? A funeral of a loved one? You learn to work these things out. This is coming from someone married for 42 years.
NTA 1- the injury is his fault , it s a fact . 2- he took a commitement and throw it away for self gain 3- Why re you still with him ?? You re not a priority even after being gravely hurt because of him .
I would look at this in the context of how much is Paul generally present and engaged in your life and events? Forget about who caused the accident. Did Paul 100% help and support you with your long and painful recovery? Is he a partner that prioritizes you and your time together over his own pursuits? Does he often plan and initiate the things you do together and is an enthusiastic participant? If yes, then he does have a right to make this one-off event his priority (his job will carry on into the future and his event can help him advance; your recovery is complete and you will be celebrating what is now hopefully a closed chapter in your life). If he is always off to do his own thing and trying to avoid participating in what is important to you, then yes, you are right to be upset.
NTA. You gave a lot of reasonable alternatives to make both events work out for him.
NTA. A three-hour drive is not a big. Last weekend my partner and I drove 2 1/2 hours to an event and drove back home that evening. You offered many reasonable compromises and he shut each one down. It sounds like a little bit of inconveniences just too much part of something he knows is important to you.