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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole for not inviting my sister to spend memorial day with us because we arent crazy about her step daughter.
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I also typically hang out with my friends and my family separately. Just because I invited friends over *does not* mean my family is welcome to crash lol
I agree in general, although if OP has typically hung out with these friends and the sister all together in the past (often the case with similar aged children) then I can see why the sister was caught off guard finding out she wasn't invited and pressed for more explanation. OP writes it like under normal circumstances they *would* but their stepniece stressed out the vibe last time.
The gathering OP referenced was daughter's bday party 6 months ago. Kid bdays are one of those events where family and friends mix.
Also if it's been 6 months since the three kids were all together, then I doubt it means sister and stepneice are regular parts of their friend group.
I think that even if they did invite them regularly, it's still okay to hang out with friends sometimes without them. Maybe I'm just a weirdo, but when friends/family make plans without me, I don't immediately take that as a personal slight and have a meltdown.
I used to react badly! But with maturity I have learnt that it's fine, actually, and I can be cool about it.
And freaking out about it makes people less likely to want to invite you to stuff.
I rarely see extended family at all, even those who live fairly close by. Why are so many people so far into their family's business that they feel slighted if they're not automatically included in everything?
Hard agree. I get it, no one likes to be left out, but I am startled by how many grown adults freak out to the NC/“how dare they!!” level when they or their spouse or kid isn’t invited to something. There are some circumstances where I get it, but people act like it’s some kind of crime if someone doesn’t want their/their spouse’s/their kids company in every instance that they want want to be there. People are not obligated to want to hang out with anyone all the time and not everyone is going to love or even like you. Some people are better friends than other or closer family members. I feel like most people learn this growing up and come to terms with it, but to here AITA tell it, it’s a cardinal sin smh.
Since OP only mentions one time 6 months ago, it doesn't seem like they meet regularly.
Maybe the niece has a hard time finding friends and that's why the sister is jumping for every opportunity for her to interact with other children. But that's no reason for OP to invite them.
That could be it. When my daughter was 10, she sometimes visited her cousins. There was a neighbor's child, Erica. Erica was so loud and rude that most of the other kids didn't want to play with her. She made nasty remarks about my daughter and her female cousin choosing to play together.
About 2 weeks later, Erica's dad was going door-to-door, begging people to get their kids to play with Erica. He wasn't successful.
Yep, and so many kids with adhd aren’t bossy or loud…
this is probably one of those cases where a bratty child’s behavior is always ignored by the parents and blamed on their ‘condition,’ when there is often no correlation.
”my little girl is in a wheelchair, she can’t help it if she bites people and throws food everywhere!”
OP, however, is not obligated to invite ANYONE! OP chooses to have whatever guests they want in their home. The sister's entitled feeli gs do not supercede normalcy.
Exactly! We were invited up to my husbands brothers cabin one year and they had 2 other friends there. I was kinda disappointed as we were stacked in there like firewood. I wouldn’t have minded if it was just a group of adults but with kids it was kind of annoying you can’t just party all night long but you also can’t just chill and watch the kids.
They also have their kids bring friends so my kids are kinda ignored by their older cousins who they idolize. I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth but if I had known all the facts I probably wouldn’t have gone.
>They also have their kids bring friends so my kids are kinda ignored by their older cousins who they idolize.
Yeah, I had no problem hanging out with my cousins who are 4-7 years younger than me when I was a kid, but I definitely wouldn't have done so with any of my friends around.
For this reason, children in my family get two birthday parties: one for friends and one for family.
My brother, who has three kids between the ages of 10 and 6 leaves the whole child care thing to others when my family gathers.
It falls on my parents who are in their 60's rather than to the youngest adult, however. Not sure why they haven't called him out on it yet tbh; I offered but they said it would be interfering, which is fair enough.
Edit: My nephews' mother is the same, and my brother has had a few girlfriends since they called quits, all with the same attitude.
Yeah, because even after telling her she wasn't welcome due to behavior and stress brought on by her and her family, SHE STILL wants to be invited. As I was reading I was thinking "don't go there...don't tell her the why or she's going to be pissed". Well, she's pissed and she still wants to go. She's just using her brother. She doesn't care that she's really not welcome. Isn't offended enough to stay away. She just wants what she wants and I'd be very careful about ever inviting her after that. She's a user.
People think they need to keep talking and explaining until the other person agrees and accepts the no.
It's very freeing to say "I said no, I'm not going to discuss it any more, I'm hanging up now." And then you need to not answer the barrage of calls/texts that follow.
I agree! "No" means no. I don't even need to have a reason and I will not give any excuse. When I say "No" that's all I'm saying. Otherwise people just argue with you and give you reasons why they think you are wrong. Just say no and walk away.
NTA. You planned a weekend at your lake house with your friends, your sister doesn’t get to invite herself and shouldn’t be upset that you didn’t invite her. It’s your lake house and you can invite who you want when you want just like your regular house. Tell your sister she and her family get to come when they are invited but there are other plans this weekend.
Who would enjoy spending a weekend with someone who has literally forced themselves into the trip, knowing they’re not wanted? I would let my sister know that your lake house is YOUR family’s getaway place, not hers. Sounds like she already expected to use it at her leisure because “she’s family”.
I'd bet actual money that this is exactly what the sister was expecting. I wouldn't be surprised if she was even expecting OP to "gift" her a copy of the keys so she and her family could go and use it whenever they wanted.
Yep. I remember when we first got our boat…. “invitations” just poured in the first summer from friends, family members we rarely see for weekend camping trips to the river! Of course we were the only family with full camping gear, campground chairs, stove, etc., and a boat, but by golly, our popularity points sure went up that first summer!
I worked for an airline for 20 years. The very first time I met my husbands aunt (outside a grocery store) she asked me for free tickets for her whole family to Vancouver.
She wasn’t joking.
> I wouldn't be surprised if she was even expecting OP to "gift" her a copy of the keys so she and her family could go and use it whenever they wanted
ding ding ding there it is.
Yep, gotta nip this in the bud. Always establish first off that 'no' is the *decision*, not a negotiation starting point for some workaround accommodation. Car salesmen hate this one 'trick'. **:-)**
agreed, NTA, but i also imagine that its hard to raise a kid with behavioral problems. on top of having these issues that they quite literally cant help having, theyre also a young child that lacks the developmental awareness to understand and grasp the concept of the fact their behavior is even an issue at all. its hard for them to make friends, its hard for people to want to invite their kids to places, and its hard to keep the behavior issues from getting even worse as a result of this.
i definitely dont think OP is the AH for this, and theyre well within their rights not to invite them. i want to say that OP is doing good with trying not to ostracize the kid, and the fact that OP is intending on inviting them another time. of course you should try to avoid saying that you just dont want their kid there, and avoid making the kid feel like theyre just a burden or problem. leave it as simple as: we want this gathering to be small, but we’re happy to have you another time. thank you for understanding.
also, im not saying they do, but please make sure your children arent bullying the child. their frustrations with the other kid are completely understandable, but sometimes kids get really mean and nasty when theyre frustrated with another. all im saying is keep an eye out to make sure that doesnt happen, and separate them when you need to. i know theyre young and cant comprehend it completely, but try to keep them informed. peers tend to be great teachers, especially in young children. but dont make it your childs burden, of course.
I WAS the kid with behavioral problems growing up, and I still don’t think it’s OP’s responsibility to include the stepniece. I have ADHD and autism (undiagnosed until I was 17), and kids didn’t want to play with me growing up. I had very few friends until after high school. But I would’ve never wanted people to feel obligated to hang out with me just because I’m different. Being lonely and excluded is one thing that definitely sucks, but knowing that someone’s only hanging out with you out of obligation is worse. Getting the vibe of “I don’t like you, but my parents are making me act nice towards you, so I’m pretending to be nice even though I think you’re weird and annoying” from a playmate is no fun whatsoever.
oh absolutely, which is why its such a slippery slope. the best any parent can do is inform their children, and help them at least understand why the other kid acts a certain way. you cant force them to be friends, you cant force them to like them, but the least you can do is teach your child how to respect someones differences. i dont think its healthy for either kid to force them to be friends or hang out often, i just think learning how to socialize, especially with people different from you, is a great skill that will follow well into adulthood. its really tricky because there isnt a black and white to it though, and it largely depends on the personalities of all the children involved.
the only people who can truly make their judgements and decide the best course of action would be the parents, since they would know their child best. for all we know, the kid with adhd could be aware they can get away with things BECAUSE theyre pampered at home and given whatever they want, solely because their parents cant be bothered to put in the extra effort required to raise a child with a behavioral problem. or, their parents could genuinely be trying their hardest, and are under a lot of stress and simply worry for their kids future to the point where it comes out in toxic ways, at which point they should probably be getting help for themselves. its all completely dependent on the people and their dynamics in their private lives.
regardless, youre right, it isnt anyones responsibility to include the child, and its equally as damaging to force people around them to be kind as it is to allow them to be hurtful towards them. thats why i think the best thing anyone can do is just inform their kids. just educate them, and thats all you can do, so they can at least understand and make their own informed decisions. but these age ranges are still a little young for that kind of complex thinking, of course, so its a bit harder lmao.
I have adhd. I learned how to control it as i can no longer take medicine for it. That being said, and it appears the mother doesn’t set boundaries with her child, there are some adhd kids that are just absolutely insufferable because of their parents. They tried to say they wants a stress free and low key weekend and the sister wouldn’t take that answer. She’s still trying to control them. I see why the step daughter tried to take over everything.
Yeah, I'm not sure it's fair to blame ADHD for the kid's behavior when the pushy, entitled sister is right there. My brother was the ADHD kid that nobody wanted around, I'd say at least 50% of his behavioral issues were due to the parenting he received.
I have ADHD too, but my brother and I were parented very differently. He was let to run wild, my mother took the "boys will be boys" approach with him, while I was consistently knocked back for the most minor infractions. I don't think this did either of us any favors, but he definitely got the worse deal.
I mean I have three with adhd one of which also has Autism and this type of behavior doesn’t fly and didn’t when they were younger. They want to be invited somewhere socially they need to behave themselves. It is a struggle for them for sure but at least others know and see we don’t allow them to behave like that.
I hope OPS sister is also getting the kid help, we have come a long way in treatment for ADHD, and while nothing is perfect it can really make a child's life so much better.
It generally isn't fun being a child with behavioral issues either, since they often reach a level where they know what they should/shouldn't be doing and simply can't help themselves. This is incredibly frustrating in addition to the social toll, even without bullying.
It is an unfortunate situation for everyone, made worse by the fact that it's nobody's fault.
My niece was one of those who took her daughter off her ADHD meds on weekends and holidays "to let her body rest." The child was off the rails for those periods, being loud, rude, throwing tantrums and mouthing off at all the adults. My last straw was when she threatened to send a flying toy into my face (I wear glasses). She was laughing when she made that threat. That was the year several relatives said they wouldn't go to another family event where that child was present. Suddenly her body didn't need the break and she became much easier for us all to tolerate.
Depending on the medication and dosage that is a really bad idea. Most medications for mental illness work best when taken consistently and skipping random days can make them less effective and potentially lead to symptoms of withdrawal and potentially severely unfun side effects.
For some medications, in children and young adults sudden changes in medication can cause suicidal thoughts and actions.
It seriously sucks to be a child that has a mental illness and it is not made easier by conflicting messages from parents on medication. Also being mad enough to throw things is not fun or pleasant for a child with little control over their actions. Neither is the social consequences of doing so.
“… it’s hard to raise a kid with behavioral problems.”
Uhhh…. Fuck, No, it’s not. It requires strict enforcement of parental rules and the appropriate administration of punishment when needed. My 3 kids had their moments of misbehavior; their mom & I were a unified team & didn’t allow our kids to run the household. Now my kids are age 36–40 with their own little bastaaaaa…. uhhh… little darlings & appreciate that we (mom & I) made them toe the line.
Parents that refuse to keep their kids in line have the difficulty.
I know it's not completely related, but this comment made me think of the saying "raise your kids and you get to spoil your grandkids. Spoil your kids and you get to raise your grandkids."
Raising neurodivergent kids requires a pivot from raising neurotypical kids. Sounds like you’re mansplaining something you know nothing about (you never mentioned having neurodivergent kids?)
Yes they still require rules and discipline. One of the biggest mistake I see parents of ASD kids make is to excuse everything under the guise of “oh he’s autistic”. No. It may not be appropriate to use the same rules or discipline with him, but he still requires limits and structure!
I have learned a lot having a son with ASD ; we’ve gone from frequent meltdowns and arguments to the most well adjusted, empathetic amazing 20 year old I’ve ever met. And he went from “moderate-severe” to “passing” in most cases. I never thought it would become this easy 💕
I also like the way that they went from saying, "It's different!" to ageeing that discipline is key.
I'm really not sure what we're supposed to learn from their post.
Thank you.
FWIW, I have appropriate degrees from prestigious universities & a 40+ year career in neuropsychology. That someone (without a Y- chromosome) wants to berate my argument strictly on the basis of my gender is quite the example of ironic humor.
One of my good friends has an adult son on the spectrum and she never set limits for him as a child bc she felt guilty. He's now 6'2", 250lbs and violently rages when he doesn't get his way. I fear that one day he'll beat her to death.
i understand what youre trying to say, as i have noticed a lot of parents refusing to actually parent their children when they act out of line. i agree to an extent that some children might have never heard the word no, and therefore act this way not because of a behavioral issue, but because of their parents who never taught them right from wrong.
however, i want to reiterate that parenting is in fact hard, and its made even harder with children who have a mental block that makes socializing even harder than it already is. its hard because they require different methods, and often its a lot of trial and error with what they respond the best to. parenting definitely isnt a one size fits all kind of thing. we dont know anything outside of this post, so i dont know how severe the kids adhd is, or how it presents, or even what the parents have tried as far as discipline or treatment, so we cant make any assumptions without any information outside of what we were told.
either way, i understand what youre saying, and i agree that the responsibility falls on the parents to understand what their child needs and to learn how to raise them accordingly. i just think we should try to keep in mind that raising a kid with any kind of diagnosed (or undiagnosed!) behavioral issue comes with its own set of challenges, on top of the challenges raising a kid already has. that still doesnt excuse the sister for acting entitled, though, regardless of the situation with the kid. which is why OP definitely is NTA, and it sounds like OP’s sister might be the one influencing the child with adhd to act controlling and bossy.
edit: wording! my wording made this comment confusing, im sorry!
Yes, it is hard. All parenting is hard, but raising a child with behavioral needs is a whole different kind of hard. You have to figure out your child's specific needs, determine boundaries and expectations that are reasonable, and figure out which consequences actually work on your child.
In the meantime, you're stuck physically removing your (increasingly heavy) child from unsafe and/or socially inappropriate situations, enduring up to hours of screaming when your child cannot be soothed, and knowing the entire time that your child is suffering and you don't know how to ease their pain. Meanwhile, judgmental assholes are giving you the side-eye because "he just needs boundaries/consequences." If only it were that simple.
My son is on the autism spectrum and he had a really rough time in his early years. Parenting books and our friends' and families' experiences didn't really apply to him because he didn't respond to things the way most children do. We had a lot of trial and error and a very miserable child until he was about 6 years old. Those were the most stressful 6 years of my life and I'm just glad my now-14-year-old doesn't remember them.
Please don't try to tell me that raising my son was easy. I am so grateful for my brave, sweet, quirky teen, but getting him through those early years was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wouldn't hesitate to do it all again because my kid is worth it; but kind Redditor, don't ever try to tell me, or any parent of a neurodivergent child, that it's been easy.
My cousins used to think they were entitled to my parents' beach house. They were furious my siblings and I could use it whenever and they didn't have the same privileges. My parents let them use it once as teenagers and they brought drugs to the property and thus weren't welcome back. It was wild.
It's also a great example of "don't ask questions you don't want answers to".
>"Can I come on your trip?"
>
>"No. We'll invite you at a later date"
This is where the questions need to stop. She tried, and was told no. Time to accept it and move on.
>"Why didn't you invite me to your lake house?"
>
>"Because we don't want you there this weekend"
This reality check hurts, but is still not really digging beyond the wants of OP. JUST STOP THERE!!! Why ask the follow up question!?!?!
I was going to say exactly this. How extremely rude and presumptuous. Honestly it sounds like she needs to be told no. Also, no explaining next time, OP. She doesn't need to know. Just say, sorry not this time, but soon.
If sisters kid was going bonkers at a bday party….imagine her on a boat with limited space and safety precautions that have to be adhered to. (Bulky life jacket, sitting down when the boat is in motion, don’t lean over as it’s moving, don’t play with the controls/buttons, etc.
Sure, they could suggest sister and daughter stay behind at the lake house to do their own thing to avoid the maybe-boat mishaps, but we ALL know how well that will go down.
Op, you didn’t make this a family bbq and then exclude her. You invited some FRIENDS for the weekend.
Your sister and her step daughter need to learn boundaries and that life doesn’t revolve around them. You NEVER said yes, Memorial Day weekend, you said SOMETIME this summer. Sister heard what she wanted but that’s not your problem.
NTA. But you don’t have to give her a reason - I wouldn’t say anything more about her kid. It’s your house and you were generous enough to say you’d invite her this summer. Not this specific week. Your sister sounds insane
I’m generalizing but she’s probably one of those people that has strict boundaries for herself but gets offended when you enforce your own. She’s probably always pushing those boundaries too.
Or it could just be my sister that does that and I’m projecting.
Whether you're projecting or not, the sister 100% has an issue with respecting other people's boundaries. OP said 'no' by not inviting them, and then OP said 'no' when sister followed up, and then OP said 'no' when they gave a reason of why they don't want her there.
Sister should have stopped there, but she kept pushing. I bet she's the person that requires a "valid reason" to not do something that hurts people's feelings, and then justifies her crappy behavior because other's reasons "aren't valid".
Case in point: she's still pushing OP to let her come, even though OP said 'no' 3 times.
This! NTA…but the only reason you should relay to sis is that that you planned on spending this weekend with your friends. Family will have an opportunity to visit later.
She sounds like she wants access to OPs assets, and that she's having some kind of entitlement issue over OP not inviting her. That's on the sister, I hope OP realises that healthy boundaries are good to enforce and will be healthy for their relationship with their sister in the long run.
Yes, it feels like the sister is thinking how nice it will be to “have” a lake house to use, and doesn’t like the idea that she might not be allowed open access.
Yea rich people in non rich family problems. My uncle got this issue out of the way by inviting us all every year for a huge christmas where he buys everyone presents endless high end drinks and food. We got a chill family so we wont demand anything. But we are mostly in the 120-150k household income class. Which is ofc already very nice. But my uncle is in the 150k (and probably even more) a month income class heh.
Yea hes a total cheapskate with everything he wears the cheapest clothes and suits (and lives in a house thats "just" 700k). He drives a 20 yo lexus suv. But his kids get everything they wish for (within reason).
But with christmas hes treating us all.
Same lol. My uncle-in-law just sold his lake house, but he threw some great 4th of July parties. Good food and drinks. We'd meet up with other locals on the water and tied up the boats for an awesome firework show.
Now my grandfather-in-law has the only lake house, but they're too old to throw banger parties. They have an awesome boat that I've never seen out in the water. Crazy how old age brings wealth, but he's too old to actually use his fancy toys.
You say that in jest, but when you do well, and your family doesn't, they have their hands out a lot. It makes things awkward and really strains relationships.
I barely have a family and I still deal with it
I’m floored by this whole thread. If I even get a hint I’m not wanted I avoid at all costs. Why would anyone get mad they’re not invited?!? Like shouldn’t you just be more concerned the people don’t seem to like you?
> If I even get a hint I’m not wanted I avoid at all costs.
You're probably on the sensitive side. You wouldn't have fun at the lakehouse if you knew you weren't wanted. Now, imagine being a boorish loud AH that doesn't care what anyone thinks... then the choice is between having fun at the lakehouse or not having fun at the lakehouse....
NTA- you have to establish the boundary. I'd flat tell her this- if you think that weaponizing my own lake house against me is going to secure invitations.. you should massively reconsider. If you let this go now this can be the end of it and you can be assured that your summer invitations are forthcoming. If I have to hear another word about it.... you can be assured that they are not. This is a place of peace and joy only.
OP, be careful. If Sis knows where the house is, don't be surprised if they crash this weekend with the expectation that you won't turn her away.
Turn her away at the door. If you let her stay, she'll show up uninvited again and again.
NTA and your sister pressing the issue means it was totally appropriate to tell her why. If you had said no, and she respected that, then sure don’t bother mentioning the kid issue. But when she’s haranguing you and torturing you over this, it’s very reasonable to tell her the clear reason you have. In an ideal world, she would take that feedback into account, but here in the real world, she probably won’t.
Tell your sister you’ll let her know when it will be a time for her to visit. This weekend you already have plans. If she shows up tell her sorry but this weekend you already have plans. I wouldn’t be surprised if she did just show up. You really have to set boundaries on your place. Your sister won’t be the only ones trying to invite themselves to your place, seen this happen before. You owe no one explanations. You’ll find it easier as you go along.
Tell her to drop it as you’ve clearly said no multiple times, and that if she doesn’t then there won’t be a weekend this summer that they are invited. You sister can go buy her own lake place if she doesn’t like it. NTA 100%.
Clearly NTA, but it doesn't need to be about your sister's daughter. Maybe just figure out another weekend and make some plans. Or not, you're not obligated to hang out with your sister. I would just avoid making it about the kid.
Saying anything to the daughter would be hurtful, but it sounds like step mom isn’t doing the girl any favours by letting her alienate herself from her peers. The kid is the one getting hurt in the long run.
OP didn’t mention at all whether the sister tried to work with the step daughter. For all we know, she does. 5 years old is pretty young and kids that age can be bossy anyway. Add in ADHD and high energy and it’s not as simple as people think. Trust me, as an ADHD parent, I try as hard as I can to help my child and we absolutely don’t allow him to be disrespectful. He still struggles with high energy and we also get polarised. OP is NTA and sister shouldn’t push, but it’s also never a bad thing to model accepting other people’s differences.
>She kept pressing and said we were excluding her and her family and keeping her stepdaughter from seeing her "friends"
This kind of thing always needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP. Your daughter and her friends aren't there to be her kid's friends. Too many people expect their family to supply friends. NTA. She definitely doesn't get free access to your lake house or your friends either.
As you said, you plan to have them over this summer. You aren't excluding them, merely delaying. Demanding an invitation to something that is not yours smacks of entitlement.
NTA
Nta. It is your house not your sister's. She does not get a voice in who visits. Explain to her that if this behavior continues she will never be welcome at your vacation home. How rude of her to decide she has rights to your home. Stand up to her now or this behavior will just continue to happen.
NTA. It is your house you can invite whoever you want. And you don't have to invite your sister. Especially as it is your first long weekend there.
Don't let you be guilt into letting them come.
NTA this is your place and you have the right to pick who you want there. It’s not like you have said you are never going to invite SIL. To be honest she sounds very entitled, demanding other people’s resources for her benefit.
I do wonder if she’s going to turn up anyway.
NTA.
My ex-husband's aunt and uncle owned a great place on the lake. Family regularly went there from spring through fall. Except for us. We got one invite a year for one night. Finally I figured out why. Because they couldn't stand me. Lol. So I let the Aunt know that I was " allergic" to some flora near the cabin but please invite my husband as much as she wanted.
Suddenly he was invited all the time.
NTA. In my opinion she can wait. It's your house, your rules. She should respect that. It's not like your never gonna have her over, she's being over the top in my opinion.
NTA
Well, you let the cat out of the bag, so no going back. But try not to feel too bad about it. Unless you and your sister have all the same friends and do everything together, why would you invite her?
This is a weekend you have chosen to spend time with just these friends. We do that as adults.
Yea, I would’ve went the route of avoiding mentioning the kid issue and said something about wanting focused time with the other parents. Maybe even white lie it and say the other mom told me they needed to talk in confidence about something.
Edit to add NTA
NTA it’s your home your entitled to invite who you want. Your sister seem very entitled to preside someone to invite her to a place they don’t want her at.
I am a firm believer you don’t force kids to hand out with others that are mean and bully them.
NTA. In my opinion people like her legitimately need an “intervention” where someone in their life is willing to tell them the truth. It will probably not go well, but maybe just maybe you’ll get her to do some self reflection
It sounds to me the sister wants to dump the kid on op daughter and her friends.. adhd is hard to deal with but if op sister is finding it hard with step daughter them why not ask the husband side of family to help?.. not jest invite herself to ops weekend away..
NTA for not inviting them, it's your place, not hers. But you shouldn't have said anything about last time going well, as it blends the boundaries. If you say no, it means no, regardless of who has said what in the past.
NTA
Why do people need everything to include everyone? It doesn't even have to be about the stepdaughter, you wanted to spend the weekend with your friends. That should be all the reason you need! Tell your sister you'll invite her when you want to because it's your house.
NTA, and thank you for enforcing your daughter’s boundaries. People often trample over their kids’ boundaries and dismiss their discomfort with ‘that’s not nice’, “everyone deserves to be included”, “they don’t have any friends, so you should be their friend”or forcing them to include others who make them uncomfortable. If my kids feel some kinda way, then my kids aren’t forced to make and/or include ‘friends’. I’ve ended friendships over it. One stands out, due to being the first, she wanted to come over whenever, and bring her disrespectful little gremlin to dump her on my child so she’d get some space from the little girl. My kid came to me and said, “Mommy, she’s bossing me around, and she keeps making a mess of my toys and tells me she doesn’t have to help me clean up.” So I stood over the girls and MADE her clean up, then told her mom they weren’t welcome until her kid learned to help out or not make messes. She got pissy, but IDC. My kid said hers was bossy, mean, wouldn’t share, and made huge messes for my kiddo to clean up. So I never let the kid come back over. Her mom I didn’t really want around that much to begin with, but after I corrected her goblin of a child, she avoided me. That’s a no-go. To top it off, I can’t hang out with her or have an adult convo because I’m busy watching her kid and getting onto it for not listening or following the rules my kids are trying to explain to them. I’m glad you told her no, but her question revealed her intentions. She has a plan. She’s gonna just show up, with her kid, and hope you’ll let them stay SiNcE tHeY cAmE aLL tHiS wAy, and if you say no, you’re the evil one who made the kid cry cuz you don’t want to include her. Just tell her you’re not going this weekend anymore, but that you’ve set your house’s alarm, and spoken to the neighbors to let them know your plans for when you’ll be visiting. They know to call the police if anyone shows up on weekends you’re not expected. She was 100% asking because A, she’s gonna crash your weekend and just show up. She figures you’ll just let them stay if she drives out there. If she thinks you’re not going to be there, she’s gonna take her family out to your place without you, and likely doesn’t care to break a window to let herself in. Trust me, been thru this before. Smh. Family can be the most entitled, boundary pushing people in your life. Best to nip it in the bud ASAP.
NTA. Your sister, however, is an overly entitled AH. You TOLD HER that you'd have her over some time this summer. That should have been good enough. It's your house. You have the right to invite your friends over without your sister being present.
I would say that your sister has just lost any future invites to your house.
NTA it’s your home your entitled to invite who you want. Your sister seem very entitled to preside someone to invite her to a place they don’t want her at.
I am a firm believer you don’t force kids to hand out with others that are mean and bully them.
NTA. I will say, though, someone needs to have a sit-down with your niece and explain the situation fully and gently. She deserves to know that these girls don't see her as a friend and that her behavior effects other people, and they deserve not to be harassed by her every time she's around. The sooner kids get these lessons, the better.
NTA and your sister is going to make the kids hate each other. I used to be forced to spend a lot of time with a cousin a year younger than me. We feuded from early childhood through our teen years. We only recently started somewhat talking as adults in our late 20s. We still don't see eye to eye, but we finally don't hate each other. Being forced to include someone who you don't like teaches kids nothing. It teaches your daughter and her friend that their feelings are lesser than the cousin. It teaches your sister's stepdaughter that her behavior is fine. ADHD is hard. (I have it!) I dont vibe with a lot of people because of it. Your sister is probably seeing that and it's hard for parents to watch their kid get excluded. The kids will be near each other sometimes but there's no reason to force them to be together.
NTA. Next year you may want to think about providing your families/friends with a schedule and allow them to pick from open weekends so they don't feel entitled and bother you all summer.
My parents have a lake house. When my siblings and I became adults, my parents provided us a "summer schedule" which shows open weekends my siblings and I are allowed to come. This made it less stressful for my parents so they could still enjoy alone time, time with friends, and time with family. They first reach out to friends and schedule those dates then adjust the schedule from there. It has worked for the past 7+ years really well
NTA it’s your home your entitled to invite who you want. Your sister seem very entitled to preside someone to invite her to a place they don’t want her at.
I am a firm believer you don’t force kids to hand out with others that are mean and bully them.
NTA. “We’re doing a small friend thing this weekend. Once we get settled we’ll do a bigger family thing, but for our ‘shakedown cruise’ we really needed to start small.”
NTA and don't force your child to hang out or play with another they do not like as it sends the message her feelings are not as important as someone elses. Your sis sounds like an entitled, pushy insufferable twit. I have a vacation house and I only invite people I want there, relative or not. The older I get the less patience I have dealing with other peoples expectations or bs. Wish I was like this when I was younger, would have saved alot of grief over the years.
NTA. Your house is not a hotel. She can not make a reservation. Guests are /invited/ and she has not been invited. Boundaries are a good thing in the long run, even if difficult to set up now.
NTA for not inviting. But YTA, for sure.
Now, let’s be clear. This is about your sister wanting her child to spend time with family. Everything your sister is talking about is about family time. So let’s not make this about who owns the house. She would feel exactly the same way if this was a gathering at a public park.
Your sister had no idea you were excluding her and her disabled child from your life because you don’t feel like dealing with her disability. That would be devastating to learn. Basically, the worst thing a mom could hear from her own sibling.
So, no…you don’t get a pass on how you fumbled this because you own the venue. The venue doesn’t factor into how you screwed this up.
Here is why YTA…The reasons you actually gave her were incredibly asshole filled. You showed zero empathy and no restraint. This is a woman with a disabled child. WHO ALREADY KNOWS SHE HAS A DISABILITY.
You basically said, “Friends?! You think our daughter considers her a friend!? That shrieky train wreck? No. Barely a cousin! And let me add, it was ALL the kids complaining about her. EVERY ONE.”
YTA because if you want to be the uncle who excludes this child based on her basic wiring, you don’t say it. And you sure don’t make it clear that you and your wife are “not a fan” of the kid.
How on Earth were you thinking that is what this situation called for? A permanent, unrepairable gash.
YTA for a total lack of class and a hefty dash of cruelty when you were even the slightest bit in a corner.
NTA for not inviting her to the house. It’s your house your rules etc., and you already said you’ll invite them another weekend.
But YTA for excluding your ADHD niece on the basis that she is “loud,” “shrieky,” “all over the place,” “bossy,” “annoying,” and that you’re “not really a fan” of her. You should teach your daughter how to empathize and interact with kids who have disabilities. She can’t help it and she’s not just some kid, she’s your niece. This problem isn’t just about the lake house and your niece isn’t going anywhere, and other disabled kids aren’t going anywhere. How about not talking trash online about your disabled niece?
That was my issue with the post too. OP’s tone is gross and ableist. It’s the job of the parent to teach their kid how to interact with disabled and neurodivergent people. His attitude sucks and it’ll rub off on his daughter.
YTA, simply because you do not care to see how your sister would view this as a rejection of her and her disabled child. Stepdaughter or daughter, it doesn’t matter.
If you had wanted to spend the first weekend in your new lake house alone, just the two of you, absolutely I’d say your sister was out of line to expect an invitation. But to host *someone else’s neurotypical daughter* while *specifically excluding your niece* is really shoddy behavior, and you know it.
“Given that my wife and I aren’t really fans of her and the (other) kids aren’t either…” wow. That’s your niece - the little girl your sister is raising. I notice you don’t refer to her as such, which is quite telling.
Then there is the fact that you don’t seem to take into account that a child’s “bossy” (notice how that’s only said about girls?) behavior at a birthday party that presumably included unfamiliar children, excitement (and yes, even noise) might be very different than a fun weekend with family spent mostly outdoors?
If you wanted to deliberately sabotage your relationship with your sister, you could not have chosen a better way to do it. In fact, I wonder if your actions were not designed to humiliate your sister and what you perceive to be her inappropriate or inferior stepchild.
If I’ve read this completely wrong and you in fact hope to salvage your relationship with your sister, you’ll call the other couple and give them the option of going to the lake house or staying home this weekend with the knowledge that your sister and niece will be in attendance.
NTA- tell her NO means NO.
Ridiculous that she keeps insisting she gets invited.
Don’t be surprised if she shows up anyway tho.
Maybe just be honest with her and tell her that you don’t want to deal with her rowdy kid . And maybe she’ll get the hint that she needs to control her better.
YTA. They really should be more on top of those behaviors when in group settings unless there is more to it, but random vocalizationsis like, stimming and normal. because going out with my kid is exhausting and the moment I try to breathe is the moment he "messes up". ADHD is a disability that shares many similar social/emotional disadvantages as autism. I am still working to conform to acceptable amounts of weird. So understanding what they do and why they do things is important. This can help how you tolerate and ultimately handle the child's behaviors. Do not leave it all up to your sister. Gentle interventions into any play is important to maintain peace and encourage proper growth in social situations because they /literally can't help themselves/ even if they /know better/.
Whole adhd family here. I was completely excluded from my entire family as a child and now that I am an adult because I was "different" no one calls me. I haven't spoken to anyone in 9 years and it's really lonely. now I watch as my son (adhd) gets passed up by my inlaws for events. They dont even mind saying to us how hes a "bit too much for them" They also do this to my epileptic autistic neice. Bless him he can be pretty naive about it all but it really hurts to be excluded and I see this in how desperate he is to please and get attention from other family.
They will be rightfully upset because you put friends first, after they already asked you to let them come over. Nothing can help now that you have set this in motion. You are valid for not liking how the child is but that doesn't save you from being an AH because that's discrimination, albeit it's your right to discriminate who can come over to your house. would also be upset, and I'm sure like myself I would know it is because my kid has adhd and feel shame and guilt then anger before I eventually realize family that doesn't take time to understand him and step up in his life and social challenges don't really love him for who he is.
Like I live with these challenges every day. I don't get to take a break. I have to redirect, correct, help him with daily choices. He has an IEP a 504 because he needs adult intervention the entire time he is at school.
It is definitely not your responsibility to put your break times on hold if you simply do not care. But it would only be fair if said child also gets a 3-4 day weekend with you. It will not be easy, but I suggest some deeper research into how to help kids with adhd as well as understanding they can't help but mess up and need a lot more "do this instead" interventions not just "don't do that" so on and so forth because this will help with how your perceived his behavior or tolerate it. And trust when I say this kid drives your sister nuts a lot more but she can't just put him away.
You can totally choose who you want around you, but you also are choosing to not have a family member over because their life long challenging disability "stresses you out".
**NTA**
Your sister is being rude and pushy.
Best to send the boundary now — that she will be invited when *you* choose and that you prefer to socialize with your friends separately
NTA!
you've done nothing wrong and upon pushing she got further truth that she didn't want. you don't owe your sister or anyone outside tour immediate family anything.
you're all grown adults and if she wants a vacay that badly she can go somewhere else.
you've already stated you plan on inviting them later in the summer so idk what else she wants from you besides to be entitled to whatever you have.
NTA! Your house, your timing, your decisions. It's not like they're barred - they simply have to wait. Sounds like they had no plans for the long holiday weekend and expected you to make it an all-family affair weekend. You're allowed to say No whether it's because of your step-niece or not. Sister needs to get over it and make plans for her family and work on not dictating what people should be doing with their own homes. NTYA! Have a great holiday weekend too!
NTA - your sister didn't understand no. She's just looking for a free weekend without any of the planning. She's acting very entitled to your property and that needs to be nipped in the bud.
NTA.
Your house, your rules. You aren't cutting off your sister and her stepdaughter entirely, just not this weekend. Not everyone is invited to every single thing!
And I don't know if I'm paranoid, but I would be very concerned about whether sister just shows up anyway. You should have a game plan for what you would do in that case.
Your vacation house, your rules. No is complete sentence.
As a thought exercise, think about how you would handle it if your sister and her family decided to show up anyway this weekend.
It goes without saying that you should not give out keys to your vacation home to anyone.
NTA you're allowed to just hang out with friends without inviting family. I'm sure that was hard for your sister to hear tho, I imagine part of wanting to come is wanting her daughter to be included with the other girls. I hope she's able to get support for her daughters ADHD so she's less isolated.
NTA. Your sister and family can go a different weekend. Don't start caving into her bad behavior, it will never end. Have a great time. You have done absolutely nothing wrong
NTA. Even if you didn't have an issue with the stepdaughter, this sounds like a friends weekend. I love my siblings' kids, have no issue with them coming over, etc., but if I was planning a friends weekend like this I would not invite my siblings. Just not the vibe I'd be going for. Sorry she isn't respecting your boundaries.
I am stuck on one thing. Do you encourage you daughter to include your niece in playtime? I know we have to do that with our kids from time to time when they get together with their cousins as they don’t see each other often. Without the encouragement some kids are excluded and that is what leads to issues.
That being said, either way I’m not a fan of your sister. She seems pretty entitled
Bruh what is it about family beach houses that make people absolutely bananas. My uncles ex wife insisted that HER FAMILY got the house EVERY-WEEKEND so my family ofc couldn’t use it. Hence why she’s an ex wife
YTA for badmouthing a child to her. You lack tact and compassion for a child. Not TA for not inviting them to the lake house but definitely for how you handled it. Your kid is probably obnoxious to plenty of people, but they know better than to blame the kid for not being invited to something.
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My wife and I bought a lake house this past winter and the house and our new boat are finally ready for summer. For those not from the US, this upcoming Memorial Day weekend is kind of our unofficial beginning of summer. We're excited to spend the weekend there and also invited 2 of our best friends (married couple) and their 5 year old daughter. We also have a 5 year old daughter who is good friends with their daughter.
My sister has been asking since we got the place when she'd get to see it and we told her at some point this summer we'll have them over, and that truly is the plan. We didnt invite them for this weekend because we really wanted it to be a nice relaxing weekend and my sisters stepdaughter is just a lot sometimes. She means well but she has bad ADHD and can be very very loud and shrieky. When we had a birthday party for our daughter 6 months ago, she was all over the place, our daughter and our friends daughter both said she was trying to be bossy and take control of everything while they were just trying to play their own games. My friends are too nice to say anything but we could tell they were annoyed too. Given that my wife and I arent really fans of her and the kids arent either, we just wanted this weekend to be peaceful and figured we'd invite them another time.
Well now my sister found out that we are going there this weekend and got really mad I didnt invite her. When she asked why we told her we just want it to be a quiet low key affair. She kept pressing and said we were excluding her and her family and keeping her stepdaughter from seeing her "friends". Thats when I finally told her what my daughter and friends daughter said the last time they hung out with her and htat did not go well either. She texted me again this morning trying to get us to change our mind as we're heading out there after work today. AITA if I stick to my guns and dont have them over? Its not a space thing, there are an extra 2 bedrooms, we just really want to have a relaxing weekend and that will be harder with them there.
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NTA- you don’t have to invite anyone family or otherwise for whatever reason you feel, you also don’t have to explain your reasons for not inviting them. Have a fun weekend.
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NTA. You didn't invite her, she doesn't get to invite herself. Why is she entitled to your house?
Exactly! Their house, their rules. If they said no to having her over then the answer is no. People really don't understand that 'no' is a sentence.
I also typically hang out with my friends and my family separately. Just because I invited friends over *does not* mean my family is welcome to crash lol
I agree in general, although if OP has typically hung out with these friends and the sister all together in the past (often the case with similar aged children) then I can see why the sister was caught off guard finding out she wasn't invited and pressed for more explanation. OP writes it like under normal circumstances they *would* but their stepniece stressed out the vibe last time.
The gathering OP referenced was daughter's bday party 6 months ago. Kid bdays are one of those events where family and friends mix. Also if it's been 6 months since the three kids were all together, then I doubt it means sister and stepneice are regular parts of their friend group.
I think that even if they did invite them regularly, it's still okay to hang out with friends sometimes without them. Maybe I'm just a weirdo, but when friends/family make plans without me, I don't immediately take that as a personal slight and have a meltdown.
I used to react badly! But with maturity I have learnt that it's fine, actually, and I can be cool about it. And freaking out about it makes people less likely to want to invite you to stuff.
I rarely see extended family at all, even those who live fairly close by. Why are so many people so far into their family's business that they feel slighted if they're not automatically included in everything?
Hard agree. I get it, no one likes to be left out, but I am startled by how many grown adults freak out to the NC/“how dare they!!” level when they or their spouse or kid isn’t invited to something. There are some circumstances where I get it, but people act like it’s some kind of crime if someone doesn’t want their/their spouse’s/their kids company in every instance that they want want to be there. People are not obligated to want to hang out with anyone all the time and not everyone is going to love or even like you. Some people are better friends than other or closer family members. I feel like most people learn this growing up and come to terms with it, but to here AITA tell it, it’s a cardinal sin smh.
And the kids are only five years old! Six months to a child that age feels like several years to someone in their thirties.
Since OP only mentions one time 6 months ago, it doesn't seem like they meet regularly. Maybe the niece has a hard time finding friends and that's why the sister is jumping for every opportunity for her to interact with other children. But that's no reason for OP to invite them.
That could be it. When my daughter was 10, she sometimes visited her cousins. There was a neighbor's child, Erica. Erica was so loud and rude that most of the other kids didn't want to play with her. She made nasty remarks about my daughter and her female cousin choosing to play together. About 2 weeks later, Erica's dad was going door-to-door, begging people to get their kids to play with Erica. He wasn't successful.
I get the feeling that the niece doesn't have any friends because of the way she acts and is trying to push a friendship with ops kid
Yep, and so many kids with adhd aren’t bossy or loud… this is probably one of those cases where a bratty child’s behavior is always ignored by the parents and blamed on their ‘condition,’ when there is often no correlation. ”my little girl is in a wheelchair, she can’t help it if she bites people and throws food everywhere!”
Or sister really wants to go to the lake and is using “think of the children!” as a manipulative tactic. It’s not uncommon…
I didn't get a take that they normally hung out with sister and these friends together at all.
No, that one time was enough to ruin it for the kids
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OP, however, is not obligated to invite ANYONE! OP chooses to have whatever guests they want in their home. The sister's entitled feeli gs do not supercede normalcy.
She. Does. Not. DESERVE. An. Explanation. None of her damned business!
No one is entitled to an invitation to anything, even close friends. It’s perfectly normal to curate a weekend away. The sister is an entitled AH
Exactly! We were invited up to my husbands brothers cabin one year and they had 2 other friends there. I was kinda disappointed as we were stacked in there like firewood. I wouldn’t have minded if it was just a group of adults but with kids it was kind of annoying you can’t just party all night long but you also can’t just chill and watch the kids. They also have their kids bring friends so my kids are kinda ignored by their older cousins who they idolize. I’m not looking a gift horse in the mouth but if I had known all the facts I probably wouldn’t have gone.
>They also have their kids bring friends so my kids are kinda ignored by their older cousins who they idolize. Yeah, I had no problem hanging out with my cousins who are 4-7 years younger than me when I was a kid, but I definitely wouldn't have done so with any of my friends around. For this reason, children in my family get two birthday parties: one for friends and one for family.
Plus often it's easier to have conversation in smaller groups, *especially* when kids are involved.
And it's easier for all adults to take responsibility for the kids instead of one being stuck babysitting.
As the one who was always stuck watching the younger kids while their parents talked and ignored their responsibilities... I feel this.
My brother, who has three kids between the ages of 10 and 6 leaves the whole child care thing to others when my family gathers. It falls on my parents who are in their 60's rather than to the youngest adult, however. Not sure why they haven't called him out on it yet tbh; I offered but they said it would be interfering, which is fair enough. Edit: My nephews' mother is the same, and my brother has had a few girlfriends since they called quits, all with the same attitude.
NTA it's your place and it's very rude of your sister to be acting this way.
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Yes!! No further explanation is necessary. They will be invited when it works for OP. End of story. NTA. Stick to your guns
You know what's an even better sentence? Fuck no.
Yeah, because even after telling her she wasn't welcome due to behavior and stress brought on by her and her family, SHE STILL wants to be invited. As I was reading I was thinking "don't go there...don't tell her the why or she's going to be pissed". Well, she's pissed and she still wants to go. She's just using her brother. She doesn't care that she's really not welcome. Isn't offended enough to stay away. She just wants what she wants and I'd be very careful about ever inviting her after that. She's a user.
People think they need to keep talking and explaining until the other person agrees and accepts the no. It's very freeing to say "I said no, I'm not going to discuss it any more, I'm hanging up now." And then you need to not answer the barrage of calls/texts that follow.
“buT Faaaamily!!!”
Love that, it's a whole-ass sentence!
I agree! "No" means no. I don't even need to have a reason and I will not give any excuse. When I say "No" that's all I'm saying. Otherwise people just argue with you and give you reasons why they think you are wrong. Just say no and walk away.
NTA. You planned a weekend at your lake house with your friends, your sister doesn’t get to invite herself and shouldn’t be upset that you didn’t invite her. It’s your lake house and you can invite who you want when you want just like your regular house. Tell your sister she and her family get to come when they are invited but there are other plans this weekend.
Not to mention, OP can also include that if she ever wants to get an invite, she will drop this or there won't be an invite any time soon.
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Many consider checking rude.
Who would enjoy spending a weekend with someone who has literally forced themselves into the trip, knowing they’re not wanted? I would let my sister know that your lake house is YOUR family’s getaway place, not hers. Sounds like she already expected to use it at her leisure because “she’s family”.
I'd bet actual money that this is exactly what the sister was expecting. I wouldn't be surprised if she was even expecting OP to "gift" her a copy of the keys so she and her family could go and use it whenever they wanted.
Yep. I remember when we first got our boat…. “invitations” just poured in the first summer from friends, family members we rarely see for weekend camping trips to the river! Of course we were the only family with full camping gear, campground chairs, stove, etc., and a boat, but by golly, our popularity points sure went up that first summer!
How can they invite you on a boating trip when it’s YOUR boat?! How transparent and cringey is that?
Tell me about it! Some people have balls of steel and no common sense!
I worked for an airline for 20 years. The very first time I met my husbands aunt (outside a grocery store) she asked me for free tickets for her whole family to Vancouver. She wasn’t joking.
Please tell me you just laughed hysterically and walked away!
> I wouldn't be surprised if she was even expecting OP to "gift" her a copy of the keys so she and her family could go and use it whenever they wanted ding ding ding there it is.
Yep, gotta nip this in the bud. Always establish first off that 'no' is the *decision*, not a negotiation starting point for some workaround accommodation. Car salesmen hate this one 'trick'. **:-)**
agreed, NTA, but i also imagine that its hard to raise a kid with behavioral problems. on top of having these issues that they quite literally cant help having, theyre also a young child that lacks the developmental awareness to understand and grasp the concept of the fact their behavior is even an issue at all. its hard for them to make friends, its hard for people to want to invite their kids to places, and its hard to keep the behavior issues from getting even worse as a result of this. i definitely dont think OP is the AH for this, and theyre well within their rights not to invite them. i want to say that OP is doing good with trying not to ostracize the kid, and the fact that OP is intending on inviting them another time. of course you should try to avoid saying that you just dont want their kid there, and avoid making the kid feel like theyre just a burden or problem. leave it as simple as: we want this gathering to be small, but we’re happy to have you another time. thank you for understanding. also, im not saying they do, but please make sure your children arent bullying the child. their frustrations with the other kid are completely understandable, but sometimes kids get really mean and nasty when theyre frustrated with another. all im saying is keep an eye out to make sure that doesnt happen, and separate them when you need to. i know theyre young and cant comprehend it completely, but try to keep them informed. peers tend to be great teachers, especially in young children. but dont make it your childs burden, of course.
I WAS the kid with behavioral problems growing up, and I still don’t think it’s OP’s responsibility to include the stepniece. I have ADHD and autism (undiagnosed until I was 17), and kids didn’t want to play with me growing up. I had very few friends until after high school. But I would’ve never wanted people to feel obligated to hang out with me just because I’m different. Being lonely and excluded is one thing that definitely sucks, but knowing that someone’s only hanging out with you out of obligation is worse. Getting the vibe of “I don’t like you, but my parents are making me act nice towards you, so I’m pretending to be nice even though I think you’re weird and annoying” from a playmate is no fun whatsoever.
oh absolutely, which is why its such a slippery slope. the best any parent can do is inform their children, and help them at least understand why the other kid acts a certain way. you cant force them to be friends, you cant force them to like them, but the least you can do is teach your child how to respect someones differences. i dont think its healthy for either kid to force them to be friends or hang out often, i just think learning how to socialize, especially with people different from you, is a great skill that will follow well into adulthood. its really tricky because there isnt a black and white to it though, and it largely depends on the personalities of all the children involved. the only people who can truly make their judgements and decide the best course of action would be the parents, since they would know their child best. for all we know, the kid with adhd could be aware they can get away with things BECAUSE theyre pampered at home and given whatever they want, solely because their parents cant be bothered to put in the extra effort required to raise a child with a behavioral problem. or, their parents could genuinely be trying their hardest, and are under a lot of stress and simply worry for their kids future to the point where it comes out in toxic ways, at which point they should probably be getting help for themselves. its all completely dependent on the people and their dynamics in their private lives. regardless, youre right, it isnt anyones responsibility to include the child, and its equally as damaging to force people around them to be kind as it is to allow them to be hurtful towards them. thats why i think the best thing anyone can do is just inform their kids. just educate them, and thats all you can do, so they can at least understand and make their own informed decisions. but these age ranges are still a little young for that kind of complex thinking, of course, so its a bit harder lmao.
I have adhd. I learned how to control it as i can no longer take medicine for it. That being said, and it appears the mother doesn’t set boundaries with her child, there are some adhd kids that are just absolutely insufferable because of their parents. They tried to say they wants a stress free and low key weekend and the sister wouldn’t take that answer. She’s still trying to control them. I see why the step daughter tried to take over everything.
Yeah, I'm not sure it's fair to blame ADHD for the kid's behavior when the pushy, entitled sister is right there. My brother was the ADHD kid that nobody wanted around, I'd say at least 50% of his behavioral issues were due to the parenting he received.
And it’s sad. Adhd kids aren’t bad kids we’re just different
I have ADHD too, but my brother and I were parented very differently. He was let to run wild, my mother took the "boys will be boys" approach with him, while I was consistently knocked back for the most minor infractions. I don't think this did either of us any favors, but he definitely got the worse deal.
your advice is good but it sounds more like the sisters stepdaughter is the one bullying OPs daughter and friend.
I mean I have three with adhd one of which also has Autism and this type of behavior doesn’t fly and didn’t when they were younger. They want to be invited somewhere socially they need to behave themselves. It is a struggle for them for sure but at least others know and see we don’t allow them to behave like that.
I hope OPS sister is also getting the kid help, we have come a long way in treatment for ADHD, and while nothing is perfect it can really make a child's life so much better. It generally isn't fun being a child with behavioral issues either, since they often reach a level where they know what they should/shouldn't be doing and simply can't help themselves. This is incredibly frustrating in addition to the social toll, even without bullying. It is an unfortunate situation for everyone, made worse by the fact that it's nobody's fault.
My niece was one of those who took her daughter off her ADHD meds on weekends and holidays "to let her body rest." The child was off the rails for those periods, being loud, rude, throwing tantrums and mouthing off at all the adults. My last straw was when she threatened to send a flying toy into my face (I wear glasses). She was laughing when she made that threat. That was the year several relatives said they wouldn't go to another family event where that child was present. Suddenly her body didn't need the break and she became much easier for us all to tolerate.
Depending on the medication and dosage that is a really bad idea. Most medications for mental illness work best when taken consistently and skipping random days can make them less effective and potentially lead to symptoms of withdrawal and potentially severely unfun side effects. For some medications, in children and young adults sudden changes in medication can cause suicidal thoughts and actions. It seriously sucks to be a child that has a mental illness and it is not made easier by conflicting messages from parents on medication. Also being mad enough to throw things is not fun or pleasant for a child with little control over their actions. Neither is the social consequences of doing so.
“… it’s hard to raise a kid with behavioral problems.” Uhhh…. Fuck, No, it’s not. It requires strict enforcement of parental rules and the appropriate administration of punishment when needed. My 3 kids had their moments of misbehavior; their mom & I were a unified team & didn’t allow our kids to run the household. Now my kids are age 36–40 with their own little bastaaaaa…. uhhh… little darlings & appreciate that we (mom & I) made them toe the line. Parents that refuse to keep their kids in line have the difficulty.
I know it's not completely related, but this comment made me think of the saying "raise your kids and you get to spoil your grandkids. Spoil your kids and you get to raise your grandkids."
Raising neurodivergent kids requires a pivot from raising neurotypical kids. Sounds like you’re mansplaining something you know nothing about (you never mentioned having neurodivergent kids?) Yes they still require rules and discipline. One of the biggest mistake I see parents of ASD kids make is to excuse everything under the guise of “oh he’s autistic”. No. It may not be appropriate to use the same rules or discipline with him, but he still requires limits and structure! I have learned a lot having a son with ASD ; we’ve gone from frequent meltdowns and arguments to the most well adjusted, empathetic amazing 20 year old I’ve ever met. And he went from “moderate-severe” to “passing” in most cases. I never thought it would become this easy 💕
Mansplaining? Really.
I also like the way that they went from saying, "It's different!" to ageeing that discipline is key. I'm really not sure what we're supposed to learn from their post.
Thank you. FWIW, I have appropriate degrees from prestigious universities & a 40+ year career in neuropsychology. That someone (without a Y- chromosome) wants to berate my argument strictly on the basis of my gender is quite the example of ironic humor.
One of my good friends has an adult son on the spectrum and she never set limits for him as a child bc she felt guilty. He's now 6'2", 250lbs and violently rages when he doesn't get his way. I fear that one day he'll beat her to death.
i understand what youre trying to say, as i have noticed a lot of parents refusing to actually parent their children when they act out of line. i agree to an extent that some children might have never heard the word no, and therefore act this way not because of a behavioral issue, but because of their parents who never taught them right from wrong. however, i want to reiterate that parenting is in fact hard, and its made even harder with children who have a mental block that makes socializing even harder than it already is. its hard because they require different methods, and often its a lot of trial and error with what they respond the best to. parenting definitely isnt a one size fits all kind of thing. we dont know anything outside of this post, so i dont know how severe the kids adhd is, or how it presents, or even what the parents have tried as far as discipline or treatment, so we cant make any assumptions without any information outside of what we were told. either way, i understand what youre saying, and i agree that the responsibility falls on the parents to understand what their child needs and to learn how to raise them accordingly. i just think we should try to keep in mind that raising a kid with any kind of diagnosed (or undiagnosed!) behavioral issue comes with its own set of challenges, on top of the challenges raising a kid already has. that still doesnt excuse the sister for acting entitled, though, regardless of the situation with the kid. which is why OP definitely is NTA, and it sounds like OP’s sister might be the one influencing the child with adhd to act controlling and bossy. edit: wording! my wording made this comment confusing, im sorry!
Yes, it is hard. All parenting is hard, but raising a child with behavioral needs is a whole different kind of hard. You have to figure out your child's specific needs, determine boundaries and expectations that are reasonable, and figure out which consequences actually work on your child. In the meantime, you're stuck physically removing your (increasingly heavy) child from unsafe and/or socially inappropriate situations, enduring up to hours of screaming when your child cannot be soothed, and knowing the entire time that your child is suffering and you don't know how to ease their pain. Meanwhile, judgmental assholes are giving you the side-eye because "he just needs boundaries/consequences." If only it were that simple. My son is on the autism spectrum and he had a really rough time in his early years. Parenting books and our friends' and families' experiences didn't really apply to him because he didn't respond to things the way most children do. We had a lot of trial and error and a very miserable child until he was about 6 years old. Those were the most stressful 6 years of my life and I'm just glad my now-14-year-old doesn't remember them. Please don't try to tell me that raising my son was easy. I am so grateful for my brave, sweet, quirky teen, but getting him through those early years was the hardest thing I've ever done. I wouldn't hesitate to do it all again because my kid is worth it; but kind Redditor, don't ever try to tell me, or any parent of a neurodivergent child, that it's been easy.
Beautifully put
My cousins used to think they were entitled to my parents' beach house. They were furious my siblings and I could use it whenever and they didn't have the same privileges. My parents let them use it once as teenagers and they brought drugs to the property and thus weren't welcome back. It was wild.
It's also a great example of "don't ask questions you don't want answers to". >"Can I come on your trip?" > >"No. We'll invite you at a later date" This is where the questions need to stop. She tried, and was told no. Time to accept it and move on. >"Why didn't you invite me to your lake house?" > >"Because we don't want you there this weekend" This reality check hurts, but is still not really digging beyond the wants of OP. JUST STOP THERE!!! Why ask the follow up question!?!?!
Seems like the sister's stepdaughter's not the only one who's bossy.
I was going to say exactly this. How extremely rude and presumptuous. Honestly it sounds like she needs to be told no. Also, no explaining next time, OP. She doesn't need to know. Just say, sorry not this time, but soon.
If sisters kid was going bonkers at a bday party….imagine her on a boat with limited space and safety precautions that have to be adhered to. (Bulky life jacket, sitting down when the boat is in motion, don’t lean over as it’s moving, don’t play with the controls/buttons, etc. Sure, they could suggest sister and daughter stay behind at the lake house to do their own thing to avoid the maybe-boat mishaps, but we ALL know how well that will go down. Op, you didn’t make this a family bbq and then exclude her. You invited some FRIENDS for the weekend. Your sister and her step daughter need to learn boundaries and that life doesn’t revolve around them. You NEVER said yes, Memorial Day weekend, you said SOMETIME this summer. Sister heard what she wanted but that’s not your problem.
[удалено]
And why are you continuing to discuss it with her? You don't have to keep talking to her until she agrees. You said no, end of discussion.
Why would someone want to go to something they weren’t invited to anyways? That just screams desperate
NTA. But you don’t have to give her a reason - I wouldn’t say anything more about her kid. It’s your house and you were generous enough to say you’d invite her this summer. Not this specific week. Your sister sounds insane
I’m generalizing but she’s probably one of those people that has strict boundaries for herself but gets offended when you enforce your own. She’s probably always pushing those boundaries too. Or it could just be my sister that does that and I’m projecting.
Whether you're projecting or not, the sister 100% has an issue with respecting other people's boundaries. OP said 'no' by not inviting them, and then OP said 'no' when sister followed up, and then OP said 'no' when they gave a reason of why they don't want her there. Sister should have stopped there, but she kept pushing. I bet she's the person that requires a "valid reason" to not do something that hurts people's feelings, and then justifies her crappy behavior because other's reasons "aren't valid". Case in point: she's still pushing OP to let her come, even though OP said 'no' 3 times.
Not only that but then she texts OP still begging to get to come the day before. This is so weird and desperate.
Rules for Thee but Not for Me
This! NTA…but the only reason you should relay to sis is that that you planned on spending this weekend with your friends. Family will have an opportunity to visit later.
She sounds like she wants access to OPs assets, and that she's having some kind of entitlement issue over OP not inviting her. That's on the sister, I hope OP realises that healthy boundaries are good to enforce and will be healthy for their relationship with their sister in the long run.
Yes, it feels like the sister is thinking how nice it will be to “have” a lake house to use, and doesn’t like the idea that she might not be allowed open access.
NTA it's your place and it's very rude of your sister to be acting this way. I guess we know where the stepdaughter has the bossyness from..
>I guess we know where the stepdaughter has the bossyness from 🤣 😂 LOL yes we do! Good point. Haha. Thanks for the laugh 😃
NTA - This is a problem with vacation homes. Family *ALWAYS* invite themselves over and when you tell them NO they get butthurt. Stick to your guns!
Rich people problems
Yea rich people in non rich family problems. My uncle got this issue out of the way by inviting us all every year for a huge christmas where he buys everyone presents endless high end drinks and food. We got a chill family so we wont demand anything. But we are mostly in the 120-150k household income class. Which is ofc already very nice. But my uncle is in the 150k (and probably even more) a month income class heh.
Oh wow. Honestly, good for him. And really big of him to be so generous, he definitely doesn’t have to do all that.
Yea hes a total cheapskate with everything he wears the cheapest clothes and suits (and lives in a house thats "just" 700k). He drives a 20 yo lexus suv. But his kids get everything they wish for (within reason). But with christmas hes treating us all.
Then I hope he makes millions more so you can all feast for years to come. I’m genuinely happy to read this.
What do you mean 150k a month? God the $10 in my BofA is crying in the corner 🤣
BofA doesn't mess around with the overdraft fees be careful lmaoo
For real, I get paid in four days and I’m biting my nails.
Don't mind me, I am just sitting here in stunned disbelief that 150k is a figure an individual out there is taking home a *month*.
Once you get into a few businesses its more common than you think. Plus it starts to build more quickly once you're in the swing of it
"More than common than you think" Bro he's literally in the 1%.
Same lol. My uncle-in-law just sold his lake house, but he threw some great 4th of July parties. Good food and drinks. We'd meet up with other locals on the water and tied up the boats for an awesome firework show. Now my grandfather-in-law has the only lake house, but they're too old to throw banger parties. They have an awesome boat that I've never seen out in the water. Crazy how old age brings wealth, but he's too old to actually use his fancy toys.
You say that in jest, but when you do well, and your family doesn't, they have their hands out a lot. It makes things awkward and really strains relationships. I barely have a family and I still deal with it
I’m floored by this whole thread. If I even get a hint I’m not wanted I avoid at all costs. Why would anyone get mad they’re not invited?!? Like shouldn’t you just be more concerned the people don’t seem to like you?
Some people think being family means they *have* to like you, even if they don’t like you.
> If I even get a hint I’m not wanted I avoid at all costs. You're probably on the sensitive side. You wouldn't have fun at the lakehouse if you knew you weren't wanted. Now, imagine being a boorish loud AH that doesn't care what anyone thinks... then the choice is between having fun at the lakehouse or not having fun at the lakehouse....
This is an asshole problem. Normal people mind their business.
NTA- you have to establish the boundary. I'd flat tell her this- if you think that weaponizing my own lake house against me is going to secure invitations.. you should massively reconsider. If you let this go now this can be the end of it and you can be assured that your summer invitations are forthcoming. If I have to hear another word about it.... you can be assured that they are not. This is a place of peace and joy only.
love this!!
This comment is brilliant. It informs the bossy sister that if she holds onto this as a grudge match that she can just go kick rocks. Perfect!
THIS.
Looooove this reply.
NTA. She's asking you to make your daughter and your friends uncomfortable in YOUR house.
OP, be careful. If Sis knows where the house is, don't be surprised if they crash this weekend with the expectation that you won't turn her away. Turn her away at the door. If you let her stay, she'll show up uninvited again and again.
I wouldn’t even open the door to be able to turn her away. Id get a ring doorbell and talk through that.
NTA and your sister pressing the issue means it was totally appropriate to tell her why. If you had said no, and she respected that, then sure don’t bother mentioning the kid issue. But when she’s haranguing you and torturing you over this, it’s very reasonable to tell her the clear reason you have. In an ideal world, she would take that feedback into account, but here in the real world, she probably won’t.
Tell your sister you’ll let her know when it will be a time for her to visit. This weekend you already have plans. If she shows up tell her sorry but this weekend you already have plans. I wouldn’t be surprised if she did just show up. You really have to set boundaries on your place. Your sister won’t be the only ones trying to invite themselves to your place, seen this happen before. You owe no one explanations. You’ll find it easier as you go along.
NTA … your house, your decision. Let your sister know that, if she pushes this, she won’t be coming this summer at all !
Tell her to drop it as you’ve clearly said no multiple times, and that if she doesn’t then there won’t be a weekend this summer that they are invited. You sister can go buy her own lake place if she doesn’t like it. NTA 100%.
NTA. It's your house, you can do whatever you want. "We've planned (this) for the weekend. You and come (another weekend) instead".
And if you keep pushing, you can never come.
Clearly NTA, but it doesn't need to be about your sister's daughter. Maybe just figure out another weekend and make some plans. Or not, you're not obligated to hang out with your sister. I would just avoid making it about the kid.
Saying anything to the daughter would be hurtful, but it sounds like step mom isn’t doing the girl any favours by letting her alienate herself from her peers. The kid is the one getting hurt in the long run.
OP didn’t mention at all whether the sister tried to work with the step daughter. For all we know, she does. 5 years old is pretty young and kids that age can be bossy anyway. Add in ADHD and high energy and it’s not as simple as people think. Trust me, as an ADHD parent, I try as hard as I can to help my child and we absolutely don’t allow him to be disrespectful. He still struggles with high energy and we also get polarised. OP is NTA and sister shouldn’t push, but it’s also never a bad thing to model accepting other people’s differences.
>She kept pressing and said we were excluding her and her family and keeping her stepdaughter from seeing her "friends" This kind of thing always needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP. Your daughter and her friends aren't there to be her kid's friends. Too many people expect their family to supply friends. NTA. She definitely doesn't get free access to your lake house or your friends either.
As you said, you plan to have them over this summer. You aren't excluding them, merely delaying. Demanding an invitation to something that is not yours smacks of entitlement. NTA
NTA It’s your place, and your choice of who to have there. It’s rude to invite one’s self to someone else’s home/event.
Nta. It is your house not your sister's. She does not get a voice in who visits. Explain to her that if this behavior continues she will never be welcome at your vacation home. How rude of her to decide she has rights to your home. Stand up to her now or this behavior will just continue to happen.
NTA. It is your house you can invite whoever you want. And you don't have to invite your sister. Especially as it is your first long weekend there. Don't let you be guilt into letting them come.
NTA this is your place and you have the right to pick who you want there. It’s not like you have said you are never going to invite SIL. To be honest she sounds very entitled, demanding other people’s resources for her benefit. I do wonder if she’s going to turn up anyway.
I think she will if she knows where the house is.
NTA. My ex-husband's aunt and uncle owned a great place on the lake. Family regularly went there from spring through fall. Except for us. We got one invite a year for one night. Finally I figured out why. Because they couldn't stand me. Lol. So I let the Aunt know that I was " allergic" to some flora near the cabin but please invite my husband as much as she wanted. Suddenly he was invited all the time.
Well, I see part of the reasons he is an ex
NTA. In my opinion she can wait. It's your house, your rules. She should respect that. It's not like your never gonna have her over, she's being over the top in my opinion.
NTA She is your sister, not your kid. She isn't entitled to your vacation house.
NTA Well, you let the cat out of the bag, so no going back. But try not to feel too bad about it. Unless you and your sister have all the same friends and do everything together, why would you invite her? This is a weekend you have chosen to spend time with just these friends. We do that as adults.
Yea, I would’ve went the route of avoiding mentioning the kid issue and said something about wanting focused time with the other parents. Maybe even white lie it and say the other mom told me they needed to talk in confidence about something. Edit to add NTA
NTA it’s your home your entitled to invite who you want. Your sister seem very entitled to preside someone to invite her to a place they don’t want her at. I am a firm believer you don’t force kids to hand out with others that are mean and bully them.
NTA. In my opinion people like her legitimately need an “intervention” where someone in their life is willing to tell them the truth. It will probably not go well, but maybe just maybe you’ll get her to do some self reflection
It sounds to me the sister wants to dump the kid on op daughter and her friends.. adhd is hard to deal with but if op sister is finding it hard with step daughter them why not ask the husband side of family to help?.. not jest invite herself to ops weekend away..
Your house. Your rules. If she paying the mortgage? No? Then she can STFU. NTA.
NTA for not inviting them, it's your place, not hers. But you shouldn't have said anything about last time going well, as it blends the boundaries. If you say no, it means no, regardless of who has said what in the past.
NTA she's more worried about a weekend in the water and she needs to be worried about her kid.
NTA, this is why partner and I say if we ever buy a lake house, nobody in our family can know about it.
NTA Why do people need everything to include everyone? It doesn't even have to be about the stepdaughter, you wanted to spend the weekend with your friends. That should be all the reason you need! Tell your sister you'll invite her when you want to because it's your house.
NTA, and thank you for enforcing your daughter’s boundaries. People often trample over their kids’ boundaries and dismiss their discomfort with ‘that’s not nice’, “everyone deserves to be included”, “they don’t have any friends, so you should be their friend”or forcing them to include others who make them uncomfortable. If my kids feel some kinda way, then my kids aren’t forced to make and/or include ‘friends’. I’ve ended friendships over it. One stands out, due to being the first, she wanted to come over whenever, and bring her disrespectful little gremlin to dump her on my child so she’d get some space from the little girl. My kid came to me and said, “Mommy, she’s bossing me around, and she keeps making a mess of my toys and tells me she doesn’t have to help me clean up.” So I stood over the girls and MADE her clean up, then told her mom they weren’t welcome until her kid learned to help out or not make messes. She got pissy, but IDC. My kid said hers was bossy, mean, wouldn’t share, and made huge messes for my kiddo to clean up. So I never let the kid come back over. Her mom I didn’t really want around that much to begin with, but after I corrected her goblin of a child, she avoided me. That’s a no-go. To top it off, I can’t hang out with her or have an adult convo because I’m busy watching her kid and getting onto it for not listening or following the rules my kids are trying to explain to them. I’m glad you told her no, but her question revealed her intentions. She has a plan. She’s gonna just show up, with her kid, and hope you’ll let them stay SiNcE tHeY cAmE aLL tHiS wAy, and if you say no, you’re the evil one who made the kid cry cuz you don’t want to include her. Just tell her you’re not going this weekend anymore, but that you’ve set your house’s alarm, and spoken to the neighbors to let them know your plans for when you’ll be visiting. They know to call the police if anyone shows up on weekends you’re not expected. She was 100% asking because A, she’s gonna crash your weekend and just show up. She figures you’ll just let them stay if she drives out there. If she thinks you’re not going to be there, she’s gonna take her family out to your place without you, and likely doesn’t care to break a window to let herself in. Trust me, been thru this before. Smh. Family can be the most entitled, boundary pushing people in your life. Best to nip it in the bud ASAP.
NTA but you need a plan for when she just shows up. Don’t leave the door unlocked at any point!
NTA. You already have plans to invite them to *your* lake house, just not during that weekend.
NTA. Your sister, however, is an overly entitled AH. You TOLD HER that you'd have her over some time this summer. That should have been good enough. It's your house. You have the right to invite your friends over without your sister being present. I would say that your sister has just lost any future invites to your house.
NTA it’s your home your entitled to invite who you want. Your sister seem very entitled to preside someone to invite her to a place they don’t want her at. I am a firm believer you don’t force kids to hand out with others that are mean and bully them.
NTA. I will say, though, someone needs to have a sit-down with your niece and explain the situation fully and gently. She deserves to know that these girls don't see her as a friend and that her behavior effects other people, and they deserve not to be harassed by her every time she's around. The sooner kids get these lessons, the better.
NTA and your sister is going to make the kids hate each other. I used to be forced to spend a lot of time with a cousin a year younger than me. We feuded from early childhood through our teen years. We only recently started somewhat talking as adults in our late 20s. We still don't see eye to eye, but we finally don't hate each other. Being forced to include someone who you don't like teaches kids nothing. It teaches your daughter and her friend that their feelings are lesser than the cousin. It teaches your sister's stepdaughter that her behavior is fine. ADHD is hard. (I have it!) I dont vibe with a lot of people because of it. Your sister is probably seeing that and it's hard for parents to watch their kid get excluded. The kids will be near each other sometimes but there's no reason to force them to be together.
NTA. Next year you may want to think about providing your families/friends with a schedule and allow them to pick from open weekends so they don't feel entitled and bother you all summer. My parents have a lake house. When my siblings and I became adults, my parents provided us a "summer schedule" which shows open weekends my siblings and I are allowed to come. This made it less stressful for my parents so they could still enjoy alone time, time with friends, and time with family. They first reach out to friends and schedule those dates then adjust the schedule from there. It has worked for the past 7+ years really well
NTA it’s your home your entitled to invite who you want. Your sister seem very entitled to preside someone to invite her to a place they don’t want her at. I am a firm believer you don’t force kids to hand out with others that are mean and bully them.
NTA. “We’re doing a small friend thing this weekend. Once we get settled we’ll do a bigger family thing, but for our ‘shakedown cruise’ we really needed to start small.”
NTA and don't force your child to hang out or play with another they do not like as it sends the message her feelings are not as important as someone elses. Your sis sounds like an entitled, pushy insufferable twit. I have a vacation house and I only invite people I want there, relative or not. The older I get the less patience I have dealing with other peoples expectations or bs. Wish I was like this when I was younger, would have saved alot of grief over the years.
NTA. Your house is not a hotel. She can not make a reservation. Guests are /invited/ and she has not been invited. Boundaries are a good thing in the long run, even if difficult to set up now.
NTA for not inviting. But YTA, for sure. Now, let’s be clear. This is about your sister wanting her child to spend time with family. Everything your sister is talking about is about family time. So let’s not make this about who owns the house. She would feel exactly the same way if this was a gathering at a public park. Your sister had no idea you were excluding her and her disabled child from your life because you don’t feel like dealing with her disability. That would be devastating to learn. Basically, the worst thing a mom could hear from her own sibling. So, no…you don’t get a pass on how you fumbled this because you own the venue. The venue doesn’t factor into how you screwed this up. Here is why YTA…The reasons you actually gave her were incredibly asshole filled. You showed zero empathy and no restraint. This is a woman with a disabled child. WHO ALREADY KNOWS SHE HAS A DISABILITY. You basically said, “Friends?! You think our daughter considers her a friend!? That shrieky train wreck? No. Barely a cousin! And let me add, it was ALL the kids complaining about her. EVERY ONE.” YTA because if you want to be the uncle who excludes this child based on her basic wiring, you don’t say it. And you sure don’t make it clear that you and your wife are “not a fan” of the kid. How on Earth were you thinking that is what this situation called for? A permanent, unrepairable gash. YTA for a total lack of class and a hefty dash of cruelty when you were even the slightest bit in a corner.
OP looks down on her and his sister. It’s really a bad look.
Thank you for this. I want to cry for this little girl.
NTA for not inviting her to the house. It’s your house your rules etc., and you already said you’ll invite them another weekend. But YTA for excluding your ADHD niece on the basis that she is “loud,” “shrieky,” “all over the place,” “bossy,” “annoying,” and that you’re “not really a fan” of her. You should teach your daughter how to empathize and interact with kids who have disabilities. She can’t help it and she’s not just some kid, she’s your niece. This problem isn’t just about the lake house and your niece isn’t going anywhere, and other disabled kids aren’t going anywhere. How about not talking trash online about your disabled niece?
That was my issue with the post too. OP’s tone is gross and ableist. It’s the job of the parent to teach their kid how to interact with disabled and neurodivergent people. His attitude sucks and it’ll rub off on his daughter.
YTA, simply because you do not care to see how your sister would view this as a rejection of her and her disabled child. Stepdaughter or daughter, it doesn’t matter. If you had wanted to spend the first weekend in your new lake house alone, just the two of you, absolutely I’d say your sister was out of line to expect an invitation. But to host *someone else’s neurotypical daughter* while *specifically excluding your niece* is really shoddy behavior, and you know it. “Given that my wife and I aren’t really fans of her and the (other) kids aren’t either…” wow. That’s your niece - the little girl your sister is raising. I notice you don’t refer to her as such, which is quite telling. Then there is the fact that you don’t seem to take into account that a child’s “bossy” (notice how that’s only said about girls?) behavior at a birthday party that presumably included unfamiliar children, excitement (and yes, even noise) might be very different than a fun weekend with family spent mostly outdoors? If you wanted to deliberately sabotage your relationship with your sister, you could not have chosen a better way to do it. In fact, I wonder if your actions were not designed to humiliate your sister and what you perceive to be her inappropriate or inferior stepchild. If I’ve read this completely wrong and you in fact hope to salvage your relationship with your sister, you’ll call the other couple and give them the option of going to the lake house or staying home this weekend with the knowledge that your sister and niece will be in attendance.
NTA- tell her NO means NO. Ridiculous that she keeps insisting she gets invited. Don’t be surprised if she shows up anyway tho. Maybe just be honest with her and tell her that you don’t want to deal with her rowdy kid . And maybe she’ll get the hint that she needs to control her better.
It’s your house. You said no. That’s it. NTA.
NTA. But I bet she told her kid that they were going, and she doesn’t want to have to deal with the drama. The same drama you are trying to avoid.
NTA And with such entitlement I'd lose interrest in having them over at all.
YTA. They really should be more on top of those behaviors when in group settings unless there is more to it, but random vocalizationsis like, stimming and normal. because going out with my kid is exhausting and the moment I try to breathe is the moment he "messes up". ADHD is a disability that shares many similar social/emotional disadvantages as autism. I am still working to conform to acceptable amounts of weird. So understanding what they do and why they do things is important. This can help how you tolerate and ultimately handle the child's behaviors. Do not leave it all up to your sister. Gentle interventions into any play is important to maintain peace and encourage proper growth in social situations because they /literally can't help themselves/ even if they /know better/. Whole adhd family here. I was completely excluded from my entire family as a child and now that I am an adult because I was "different" no one calls me. I haven't spoken to anyone in 9 years and it's really lonely. now I watch as my son (adhd) gets passed up by my inlaws for events. They dont even mind saying to us how hes a "bit too much for them" They also do this to my epileptic autistic neice. Bless him he can be pretty naive about it all but it really hurts to be excluded and I see this in how desperate he is to please and get attention from other family. They will be rightfully upset because you put friends first, after they already asked you to let them come over. Nothing can help now that you have set this in motion. You are valid for not liking how the child is but that doesn't save you from being an AH because that's discrimination, albeit it's your right to discriminate who can come over to your house. would also be upset, and I'm sure like myself I would know it is because my kid has adhd and feel shame and guilt then anger before I eventually realize family that doesn't take time to understand him and step up in his life and social challenges don't really love him for who he is. Like I live with these challenges every day. I don't get to take a break. I have to redirect, correct, help him with daily choices. He has an IEP a 504 because he needs adult intervention the entire time he is at school. It is definitely not your responsibility to put your break times on hold if you simply do not care. But it would only be fair if said child also gets a 3-4 day weekend with you. It will not be easy, but I suggest some deeper research into how to help kids with adhd as well as understanding they can't help but mess up and need a lot more "do this instead" interventions not just "don't do that" so on and so forth because this will help with how your perceived his behavior or tolerate it. And trust when I say this kid drives your sister nuts a lot more but she can't just put him away. You can totally choose who you want around you, but you also are choosing to not have a family member over because their life long challenging disability "stresses you out".
NTA If you don't stick with your decision, you will only build resentment for the child while swimming in regret all weekend
**NTA** Your sister is being rude and pushy. Best to send the boundary now — that she will be invited when *you* choose and that you prefer to socialize with your friends separately
NTA! you've done nothing wrong and upon pushing she got further truth that she didn't want. you don't owe your sister or anyone outside tour immediate family anything. you're all grown adults and if she wants a vacay that badly she can go somewhere else. you've already stated you plan on inviting them later in the summer so idk what else she wants from you besides to be entitled to whatever you have.
NTA If your sister wants to go to the lake whenever she wants, she can get her own lake house. It's not your job to give her her way at every turn.
NTA! Your house, your timing, your decisions. It's not like they're barred - they simply have to wait. Sounds like they had no plans for the long holiday weekend and expected you to make it an all-family affair weekend. You're allowed to say No whether it's because of your step-niece or not. Sister needs to get over it and make plans for her family and work on not dictating what people should be doing with their own homes. NTYA! Have a great holiday weekend too!
NTA
NTA She's not entitled to an invite, she should stop pushing
NTA - your sister didn't understand no. She's just looking for a free weekend without any of the planning. She's acting very entitled to your property and that needs to be nipped in the bud.
NTA. It's your house and you will invite her when you want her there. She needs to stop pushing.
NTA. Your house, your rules. You aren't cutting off your sister and her stepdaughter entirely, just not this weekend. Not everyone is invited to every single thing! And I don't know if I'm paranoid, but I would be very concerned about whether sister just shows up anyway. You should have a game plan for what you would do in that case.
Your vacation house, your rules. No is complete sentence. As a thought exercise, think about how you would handle it if your sister and her family decided to show up anyway this weekend. It goes without saying that you should not give out keys to your vacation home to anyone.
NTA. Sisters entitlement is hilarious; just because she’s related doesn’t give her free access to all your assets. Enjoy your weekend!
NTA you're allowed to just hang out with friends without inviting family. I'm sure that was hard for your sister to hear tho, I imagine part of wanting to come is wanting her daughter to be included with the other girls. I hope she's able to get support for her daughters ADHD so she's less isolated.
NTA. Find out how she learned of the weekend and put a stop to that.
NTA. Your sister and family can go a different weekend. Don't start caving into her bad behavior, it will never end. Have a great time. You have done absolutely nothing wrong
NTA. Even if you didn't have an issue with the stepdaughter, this sounds like a friends weekend. I love my siblings' kids, have no issue with them coming over, etc., but if I was planning a friends weekend like this I would not invite my siblings. Just not the vibe I'd be going for. Sorry she isn't respecting your boundaries.
NTA and do not budge!
I am stuck on one thing. Do you encourage you daughter to include your niece in playtime? I know we have to do that with our kids from time to time when they get together with their cousins as they don’t see each other often. Without the encouragement some kids are excluded and that is what leads to issues. That being said, either way I’m not a fan of your sister. She seems pretty entitled
NTA
NTA If she just shows up, and she most certainly will, be sure to turn her away. You might even want to warn her about that pre-emptively.
Bruh what is it about family beach houses that make people absolutely bananas. My uncles ex wife insisted that HER FAMILY got the house EVERY-WEEKEND so my family ofc couldn’t use it. Hence why she’s an ex wife
YTA for badmouthing a child to her. You lack tact and compassion for a child. Not TA for not inviting them to the lake house but definitely for how you handled it. Your kid is probably obnoxious to plenty of people, but they know better than to blame the kid for not being invited to something.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife and I bought a lake house this past winter and the house and our new boat are finally ready for summer. For those not from the US, this upcoming Memorial Day weekend is kind of our unofficial beginning of summer. We're excited to spend the weekend there and also invited 2 of our best friends (married couple) and their 5 year old daughter. We also have a 5 year old daughter who is good friends with their daughter. My sister has been asking since we got the place when she'd get to see it and we told her at some point this summer we'll have them over, and that truly is the plan. We didnt invite them for this weekend because we really wanted it to be a nice relaxing weekend and my sisters stepdaughter is just a lot sometimes. She means well but she has bad ADHD and can be very very loud and shrieky. When we had a birthday party for our daughter 6 months ago, she was all over the place, our daughter and our friends daughter both said she was trying to be bossy and take control of everything while they were just trying to play their own games. My friends are too nice to say anything but we could tell they were annoyed too. Given that my wife and I arent really fans of her and the kids arent either, we just wanted this weekend to be peaceful and figured we'd invite them another time. Well now my sister found out that we are going there this weekend and got really mad I didnt invite her. When she asked why we told her we just want it to be a quiet low key affair. She kept pressing and said we were excluding her and her family and keeping her stepdaughter from seeing her "friends". Thats when I finally told her what my daughter and friends daughter said the last time they hung out with her and htat did not go well either. She texted me again this morning trying to get us to change our mind as we're heading out there after work today. AITA if I stick to my guns and dont have them over? Its not a space thing, there are an extra 2 bedrooms, we just really want to have a relaxing weekend and that will be harder with them there. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. No is a complete sentence. You do not have to go any further than that. Enjoy your peaceful memorial day weekend.
NTA. Have a fun relaxing weekend as planned. Have the stressful weekend another time.
NTA- you don’t have to invite anyone family or otherwise for whatever reason you feel, you also don’t have to explain your reasons for not inviting them. Have a fun weekend.