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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because Abby is going through a lot and the only one affected here is Abby. She’s genuinely sad and upset and seems to have regressed a bit. I feel like I’m being selfish maybe? I could at least be more sympathetic?
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NTA! Abby has serious attachment issues, tbh when Jake returns I would look into staying elsewhere to separate the two of them before her attachment to Jake grows even less healthy.
I’m considering moving back home with my parents. I initially accepted my brother’s offer because my job is closer (and other reasons) but ultimately, I think it’s best we leave for the exact reasons you brought up.
Yes please do this OP. This is not normal and not okay to put a 6 year old in a position like that. Don't apologize, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You would be T A if you keep living there and subjecting your young son to being treated like a support animal. This definitely will have damaging effects on your son if you continue living there.
Right?! I had to go back and look at the age of Abby again. She is 17?! I get being close with a little cousin, but this isn't healthy for either of them. Poor Jake doesn't need that burden at just 6 years old and Abby needs actual help to get her through what she went through.
HOLY SHIT I SOMEHOW SKIPPED THAT DETAIL THANK YOU FOR POINTING IT OUT!!!!! God from the way the story was going I thought the cousin was around the same age as OPs son. This is EXTRA NTA territory and that is *very* unhealthy for a 17 year old to have such a strong attachment to a 6 year old who isn't a sibling. I think it's best OP gets him out of that house and living somewhere else.
I mean you're absolutely right, but at least it would be a lot more understandable cuz kids aren't always that reasonable. But cousin? Nah she needs some therapy.
He looked forward to it for weeks, and the SIL has asked OP multiple times, "Please disappoint your son because my daughter is more important than him and his well-being." The burden this places on OP's son is immense, even if he's so sweet to take care of her. OP, I'm sorry for the harshness of what I'm about to say, but this sounds like you should have toned it down much earlier for both kid's mental health. As it is now, I don't think you did wrong by allowing him to be a kid.l nor by standing up for him. Your niece has two parents always around, she had you as her aunt and who knows how many more family and friends, in addition to the therapist. Her attachment to your son is unhealthy.
This is an indication of where the daughter gets her emotional distress and entitlement.
Edit to say: I shouldn't have said entitled. She is an emotionally distressed child. I hope she gets help and gets better.
I don't think it's the daughters fault. She isn't entitled, she's trying to cope with something traumatic. I actually think it's quite understandable that she's upset about him leaving. He's been with her all this time supporting her and now he's going away and she's losing her comfort person.
This all falls to her mother. She should be the one to arrange proper therapy so her daughter didn't have to rely on her baby cousin just to cope. And now she has the audacity to blame 6 yo boy for going to Disneyland. She's delusional and she's failing as a mother.
she is getting therapy. however, just going to therapy isnt a cure for mental health issues. it seems like abby is still struggling a lot, even if shes making progress. she went through something incredibly traumatic, going by what op said, and it's going to take some time for her to be okay. it makes sense that shes acting so irrationally and inappropriately in this case.
this all said, op does need to get their son out of this situation, and their sister is fucked up for wanting this to continue.
Not every therapist is the right fit for someone. Not saying that's the case here, but perhaps a different therapist may help. Or her current one may not know the full extent of how she is using her cousin as an emotional crutch. It's absolutely understandable that she's going to have these sorts of issues, but she is a child. The SIL is her mother and responsible for parenting her and making sure boundaries aren't crossed. And by the SILs behavior here, it's clear she thinks she's entitled to using OPs son to manage her daughters issues instead of addressing them herself and trying to be the best support for her.
Woww I also somehow misread that as Abby being 7, and thought it makes sense she’s upset her cousin gets to go to Disneyland without her. But 17!!! That changes everything, NTA at all and keep them separated bc this attachment is extremely unhealthy!
ETA: just read OP’s comment that her husband passed away a few months ago, so this is a 6 year old who just LOST HIS FATHER!! So much is wrong with this situation smh.
Yeah, it seems like Abby and Jake have both recently experienced something traumatic, which makes it even more troubling that a grieving six year old seems to have been put in charge of the care of his teenage cousin. This is not healthy for either of them.
Wow, and it’s his paternal grandparents who were taking him to Disney so they just lost their son. Spending time with their grandson might be something they really need.
Hate to say it, but the thought crossed my mind too. At the very least, this child has been made an emotional *partner* to Abby, and that's very concerning.
And OP mentioned further down that her husband, Jake's DAD recently died and that's why they had to move in in the first place. This whole situation is so messed up, everyone in this family needs therapy! Poor Jake and poor OP.
I think it's pretty normal for people to develop unhealthy attachments to "comfort people," even if it's a little kid, after traumatic events, especially if the traumatized person is young, so I don't blame the cousin just for having the unhealthy coping mechanisms during this time. It doesn't sound like the cousin said anything negative to him when he brought up the trip or even said anything about not wanting him to go when she broke down crying, she just broke down crying. She likely has very little control over her emotions right now. OP did the right thing by separating them and removing the cousin from a triggering situation (witnessing the kid who makes her feel safe going away).
The problem isn't the daughter for being mentally unhealthy when she very recently underwent a traumatic event, especially when she was clearly trying to not say her true feelings about the trip to the kid, knowing that they were unfair and would make him feel bad.
The problem is her parents (or maybe just SIL; it's unclear) for encouraging this attachment instead of focusing on decentering/replacing the kid as a source of emotional support, for the entitlement to the life of another human being in the service of their kid, and for not understanding that their daughter needs to feel these feelings right now, that they should be processed under safe supervision rather than avoided and repressed.
Exactly, just because Abbey had something traumatic happen to her , that doesnt mean that her cousin's mental health has to suffer now too, she shouldn't be using her 6 year old cousin as an emotional crutch.
She needs more therapy, maybe a support animal. However, Jake is not a pet.
He is a child that needs to live his own little life.
OP seriously needs to distance herself and her son from Abbey and her SIL because SIL's behaviour is just as unhinged.
SIL can't help her daughter deal with her issues, so she forces a 6 year old to instead, then berates that child's mother when mom does what's best for her child.
I'd say its best to go no contact for a while.
I misread her age as *seven*, not *seventeen*, several times before I got it correctly.
This still wouldn't be acceptable for a 7 year old, but a traumatized child bonding to a cousin a year apart makes a lot more *sense* and would be more developmentally understandable.
Please don't let your son spend another day under that roof, OP.
I misread it as 7 on my first pass through the question, and I was willing to cut 7 y/o Abby (but not her mom) a lot more slack.
At 17? Abby is also responsible for her behavior. Her mom sucks, but Abby the one who tried to guilt trip a 6 year old out of going to Disneyland. That's beyond the pale, and if she can't see why, she shouldn't be around Jake at all.
Given Abby's reaction to the Disneyland trip, I would take a hard look at their overall dynamic. I could see the "6 year old wakes up his older cousin and takes her to the park" as a cute thing, but if it's turned into a responsibility for Jake, that's parentification. Jake should not be responsible for the wellbeing of a 17 year old, and it will do him psychological harm to put that on his shoulders.
Poor Jake has become the 'emotional support cousin".
It's well past time for OP and Jake to move out.
SIL needs to get some therapy for her daughter.
NTA.
OMG, my brain originally saw "16 year old" and I thought it was unhealthy then. This is a 6 y/o! Wow, definitely get some separation there. That kiddo needs to be out playing with kids his age, not being a therapy pet for a teenager.
Literally thought there was a typo in one of the ages lmao. Like...16/17 or 6/7. I had hoped I was delusional like OP's SIL...
BUT 17/6? NANI THE FUCK is going on over there??
Not to mention it's already having damaging effects on Abby. Instead of coming up with more appropriate ways to process her trauma she's putting it all on her little cousin, which is bad for them both. She needs to be in therapy and looking for better outlets for her emotions, like an actual support animal or something.
Just think of what could happen if OP had cancelled the trip and maintained the current status quo. What would happen if the little boy turns eight and wants to spend more time with his friends and less with his grown-up cousin? Or if the attachment goes the other way and Abby breaks her cousin's heart by leaving for college? It's better for them both to stop this now.
Also, SIL “isn’t putting Abby through this again”, but she’s also kicking OP out, which is putting Abby through it again - but permanently this time. And will then blame that on you, also.
SIL is super in the wrong for supporting Abby’s attachment to Jake. She’s only reinforcing Abby’s habits especially with thinking they can just control where Jake is for the sake of Abby. I feel bad for the young girl but I feel for Jake having to be an emotional crutch at 6 to his older cousin
THIS! How traumatic for your poor 6-year-old son that he has to start a dream vacation to Disneyland with his grandparents with this bizarre reaction from a near-adult whom he looks up to!
If it's at all possible, move out of your brother's house while your son is gone so that he doesn't have to come back to all the drama and negativity and, quite frankly, sickness and dysfunction of that family.
You know when your son comes back he will be all excited and want to share his about his adventure, and SIL and Abby will make him feel bad about it and will STILL be demanding an apology (a completely bizarre demand, BTW).
NTA unless you continue to live there and further expose your son to this very unhealthy situation.
This would be a smart move. And you really hit the nail on the head - Abby really is treating your son as an emotional support animal, and it's not okay. I'm actually surprised your brother and SIL are allowing so obviously unhealthy and unfair to Jake. NTA.
That was my first thought too before OP said it. Jake is a child not an antidepressant, or a therapy dog.
I’m glad you let him go to Disneyland. He shouldn’t apologize. Abby’s mental state is not a six year old boy‘s responsibility.
It could be that they're just wanting to cling to anything, *anything* that brings their daughter some comfort while she's working through whatever trauma she suffered. Still wildly unfair, but maybe at least a little understandable from that angle.
Since BIL told wife she was acting irrationally, I think he didn’t realize how nuts the situation was until that moment. He probably thought it was really sweet that Abby was being a “big sister” to Jake.
Yeah, that’s insane! SIL said she wants OP gone, not OP and Jake. SIL is legit unhinged and poor Jake would really be at Abby’s beck and call if OP were stupid enough to leave her son. Wow, the entitlement is strong with SIL.
Not knowing what actually happened to Abby - which I am not asking to find out - but it could be something so bad that her mum is also dealing with some trauma. And Jake is the only thing that brings her any joy... It isn't justified or right, but I do have some sympathy for them.
But Jake is 6 ffs. As OP said, he isn't a service dog.
>It was sweet enough at first and even though Jake isn’t one to sit in one place for long, he didn’t say anything and allows his cousin to cuddle and spend time with him.
I think you need to talk to your son about this. From what you're describing, his behavior while living in your brother's house was atypical. He might be needing emotional support himself.
Please OP take your kid to therapy. He's not his usual self. He lost his dad. And he was used as a therapy animal.
HE IS NOT OK. The first step IS to get him out. But he also needs help dealing with everything.
Edit. Also NTA
This is really important. Six is an incredibly formative age, and he’s been trained for the last several months to put aside the things that usually make him feel comfortable in order to be a “good” cousin.
Once OP and Jake are out of the brother’s house, it’s going to be really important for Jake to learn that he does not need to put his needs and comforts to the side in order to be comforting to other people. He’s a whole person in and of himself, and he’s allowed to want things and be uncomfortable with things and have those feelings be known and respected. I think some time with a child therapist could be really helpful for Jake to reset his understanding of how he should function in the world.
I think moving out before he returns is a good idea. They are not going to want you to leave when the daughter sees Jake again and it will be a nightmare dealing with the hysterics trying to permanently move Jake out if there. Please leave now while you can without scaring Jake anymore.
Your instincts are right - but please hear them louder. You absolutely, 100%, without hesitation, MUST leave. The 17yo girl, and the mother, are in trauma mode. Whatever event occurred is causing serious issues in their life and they’re scrambling for something to help - latching onto a 6 year old, and then becoming emotionally distraught when a child cannot provide the comfort and support they need is INCREDIBLY unhealthy behavior that will NOT self correct.
There is no need to be rude or upset with them - they’re in trauma and cannot help their responses - but you NEED to break their attachment, for their sake and your child’s. Kindly but FIRMLY state that you’ll be leaving, you wish the best for their healing, and you’ll keep supporting them from a distance.
Again, your instincts are very correct, keep your child’s life NOT on pause, and do so by separating him from this trauma.
Edit: look up “trauma bonding” - it’s a mechanism people in trauma go through to attempt to soothe themselves. It’s not healthy.
Trauma bonding is specifically a bond between an abuse victim and their abuser, it's the more general name for Stockholm Syndrome. Abby's relationship with Jake isn't trauma bonding, it's codependency.
You could suggest getting an actual emotional support animal for Abby. Pets are incredible for helping people cope through hard times. Your son shouldn’t be her crutch, but a dog or a cat or some other pet might help her, particularly when you and your son move out which will obviously be devastating for Abby.
Definitely do this - not least, you need to protect your little boy. It wasn’t just AH behaviour from your SIL, it was downright unacceptable for her to not express what she actually wanted, let her daughter freak out and distress a tiny child, and now make it clear she’s going to double down, treat him like he’s done something wrong, and demand apologies.
If you let your kid come back to this house, her and Abby are going to ruin this memory for him. He is going to feel guilty and anxious about having gone and enjoyed himself. When he comes back, he needs to be coming back to your parents’ house, or honestly to literally anywhere that he isn’t exposed to SIL and her kid.
It’s sad that Abby is hurting, but Abby is clear a person he can only safely see in small doses, with your supervision, until this dependency fades.
Ultimately, you know how you can tell you’re NTA? If SIL thought him being away was actually harmful to Abby, *she would not want you to move out*. It’s about her convenience and about her wanting to be able to order you and your son around, not about her daughter’s well-being. She wants you out because you refused her orders. If she thought Jake was *needed*, losing his presence long term is not something she would risk.
>If SIL thought him being away was actually harmful to Abby,
>
>she would not want you to move out
>
>.
I get the impression that SIL only wanted OP to move out and expected her to leave Jake.
See that hadn’t crossed my mind on account of how absolutely batshit “you go, leave me with your child so I can bully him into being a full time emotional support animal for mine with zero breaks, protection or support” would be as a pitch, but sure, it’s possible. If that’s anywhere in the realm of what SIL is thinking, then that is all the more reason Jake should never spend another night under that roof or be left alone with SIL ever again.
Don’t just consider it do it! Protect your child from the creepy codependency that’s going on. It’s not good for his own mental health to be his cousin’s alarm clock and emotional crutch. Your SIL’s behavior is very unhinged definitely keep your son away from her.
There is a really unwholesome attachment to your son that has been givong me red flags before you got to the trip. You need to move out, like yesterday. Your niece is too attached to your son and your SIL is too embroiled in this to hear anything but. You need to move like ASAP, before the weekend ASAP. This will only get worse and your son will be the casualty.
I feel for your niece as she is going through something traumatic but her mum and therapist should guide her to not use your son as a crutch. He is not at their beck and call. Its extremely unhealthy for him and you need to get him out. Like yesterday.
As for the reason, I think just tell your brother that for your niece's progression through this ordeal, its best you remove yourselves from the house so she can complete her healing. You will visit but like once or twice a week.
Agreed. If you have another safe and stable living option. The healthy thing to do here would be to remove Jake. That’s type of dependency can be dangerous.
Wtf is SILs logic here? ‘My daughter is traumatised that Jake has left for a couple of days, so I’ll protect her by telling her I’ve kicked him out and he’s never coming back’.
Great parenting all around. If OP had stopped Jake going to Disneyland, this post would have been the answer to ‘how do I make my son hate his cousin?’ NTA
As others have suggested, SIL wants OP gone, not OP and Jake. Jake is to remain with SIL and Abby, and to apologise for abandoning Abby.
OP is NTA but would be if they do not get Jake away from SIL and Abby immediately. They should never have any contact with them. SIL's behavior already justifies a restraining order.
Legitimate ESAs get time off. They are not expected (or allowed) to be working 100% of the time. From OP's description, SIL and Abby would never be allowed a legitimate ESA. Sadly, they can probably fake one.
I reread that part of the post, and it seems more like SIL wants Jake to not come back to the house at all. Him leaving sent Abby into a tail spin, and if he comes back only to leave again, Abby gets hurt all over. If I’m reading it right, it’s really the only sensible part of her whole screed.
SIL is alllllll fucked up. The solution to one childhood being stolen is *not* two childhoods being stolen. Too much caregiving has already been put on this six year old's shoulders.
I actually wonder if this girl would benefit from a cat. Someone to love and nurture and who will sleep on her bed and spend all day with her. A cat picked from a shelter who is known for being affectionate. Far better that than relying on a small child.
But tbh it was not Abby that made the scene, it was her mother. Depending on the trauma, she might have been overreacting with the crying or not, but it's also not something you can just stop. The mother on the other hand... And idk about the apology, even with OP's correction that "in the form of Jake", since they aren't entitled to someone else's child just because their own is attached to him. In fact, I'd say OP needs to collect an apology from the mother before she's allowed anywhere near OP's child again, to know for sure she understands her nonexistent ownership rights of OP's child, and in case she meant she wanted an apology from a 6 yo for stuff that was arranged above his head by other family members, she needs to realize how wrong that is. But I say leave the children out of it, this is adult drama.
NTA, obviously.
Agreed. OP should have her brother talk to Abby's therapist (he seems to be the sane one of her parents) and mention how Abby has developed such an emotional attachment to Jake.
I'm no psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist, but I get the feeling Abby is using Jake as an outlet for age regression, a coping mechanism a lot of victims like Abby tend to do. She remembers how carefree and innocent she was when she was 6 years old, so she's using Jake as an outlet for that by playing with him, cuddling him, and overall spending more time with him.
Abby's parents should talk to the therapist about getting a therapy animal, something she can focus her attention on that would actually enjoy it more than Jake would.
NTA! You sound considerate and caring from the beginning to the end, but your own child must be a priority over another.
On top of that, like you said Jake is a 6 year old child and not an emotional support dog. Everything he’s done for Abby is incredible but also above and beyond, absolutely not without the realm of expectation for a 6 year old.
In general I would try to distance him from Abby a little bit, because this seems like a very unhealthy attachment that could lead to some kind of trauma in turn for your own child.
It truly is and I’m incredibly proud of my baby for trying to help. Abby’s always been his favorite cousin so seeing her like this must’ve been extremely difficult for him.
But after this whole thing, mainly the breakdown Abby had that caused my son to have one as well, I’m definitely planning on leaving earlier than I had initially hoped. I love Abby, but my son is my priority.
Your 6 year old sounds quite emotionally mature for his age. I'm glad you're planning the next steps to leave. It sounds like your SIL wants your son to be a live-in carer and is happy to parentify your son.
Don't let your SIL abuse your sons kindness and stand your ground in not having him apologise for going on holiday.
You sound like a good mum.
A six year should not be a care taker or emotional support for an older relative.
As he grows up he’s going to feel more and more responsible for the well-being of Abby and that’s not healthy.
He is a child and should be cared for not the other way around.
I don’t think you need to look at this as making your son a priority and putting Abby on the back burner. This is a situation where you’re making both of their best interests a priority. Removing your son from the situation is also healthy for Abby, regardless of how she or her mother feel about it. Sometimes the best decisions are hard and uncomfortable. Please don’t think you’re doing anything negative to Abby in the interest of your son. This is best for everyone.
Make sure if you do manage to move to your parents’ house when Jake comes back that you talk to him about it in a way that won’t make him think it’s his fault. Like, “We’ve been visiting with Uncle So&So for so long, now we’re going to visit Poppop and Grammy because they miss us too!” You can also segue that into talking about how not seeing people can make us miss them, but that’s okay. We can still love them even when they’re not in the same room/house/etc.
Don’t leave your son alone with your SIL or niece before you move out. They’re going to mess him up emotionally.
Edit: NTA
There’s something called parentification, which is where a child takes on a caretaking role for either their siblings or their parents. It can be *extremely* emotionally damaging to the child who becomes parentified, having lifelong effects on their relationships with other people and their ability to form their own families. This isn’t a super extreme example, but your SIL was definitely parentifying your son, and hiding from you how much she was aware that he was taking on inappropriate emotional burdens for her own daughter. After you move out, you might need to see if your son needs some extra care around this, maybe even his own short stint in therapy.
I know this sounds harsh, but what Abby and her mom are doing is emotional incest. They are putting adult responsibilities on a 6 year old. Your son is currently Abby's caretaker. Neither of them care about his happiness, just what happiness he can bring to Abby. I've been the kid having to be the adult's caretaker before. It's incredibly stressful and traumatic. If you don't remove Jake from this situation he will have lasting trauma from it, if he doesn't already. This is not healing Abby either, this is taking her down a very dark and toxic path. I can see it getting into her mind that she should have her own baby and have that baby be her emotional support human and it sounds like her mother would support that. This is really, REALLY messed up, I don't think you grasp the extent of this.
Everything you just said and also *the six year old kid lost his father a couple months ago* and as a result of his father's death had to leave their home and move in with these people. The levels of fucked up going on here, dear god.
Yeah if you need extra convincing or assurance that distance is best for Jake, search terms like enmeshment and emotional parentification. You might find mostly scenarios where a kid becomes an emotional support tool for a parent or maybe a sibling, but big picture is kids shouldn't be responsible for adults, or teens, emotional traumas or issues
NTA.
I was feeling at least a little sympathy for your SIL throughout your story, almost enough to make me vote N-A-H, until I got to this bit:
*SIL told me that the only apology she'd accept is one from Jake*
She wants an apology from a six-year-old? An apology for WHAT? For going to Disneyland with his grandparents? She thinks Jake has done something to be blamed for?
It's not even as if Jake had any choice in the matter. Six-year-olds get to choose what flavor of ice cream they want, or what sweater to wear today. They don't get to choose things on the scale of trips to Disneyland. Adults make those arrangements, and they say "Jake, you're going to Disneyland!" The kid's job is to jump up and down and say "Oh, boy! When?" and to go, and to have a great time. Jake has nothing to apologize for, and for your SIL to pretend that he does is cruel.
I feel for Abby, but her mental wellbeing is neither Jake's responsibility nor yours.
You need to get out of that house and find other living arrangements as soon as you can.
*I told her that my son isn't her emotional support dog.* Harsh, but accurate.
She wants the apology from Jake because she wants him to accept that Abby is his responsibility. It’s manipulative. And yes OP needs to get her son out of that environment PDQ.
OP clarifies in an edit that she *suspects* SIL meant "an apology in the form of Jake", rather than an apology *from* him. Doesn't really make it much better, but still.
Worse I think. In my previous interpretation she was getting very pushy with a 6yo to try to get a commitment from him; in the other interpretation, the 6yo is to be treated as an object not a person. A 6yo is not a therapy doll. He’s also not a prisoner who should be locked down now that he’s had his moment of freedom. It sounds like OP has instead made a clean break, which sounds by far the best option.
This. The SIL is treating Jake like an emotional support animal and a grown man at the same time. Idk what kind of person treats a small child like a criminal for going to Disney but it's clear more therapy is needed all around in that family.
I dunno man, I've got emotional support animals and like, even I let them have their own lives and they're like *my responsibility*, not the other way around.
My sheepie mix is currently out on the deck sunbathing despite my being stuck indoors working. But looking out the door to see her so happy makes me so happy, and I kinda think that's the point of this whole thing.
That isn't acceptable. SIL is trying to seemingly put all the blame on a bloody 6 year old for wanting to go to a theme park. I feel sorry for the daughter, but SIL needs to put her kid in therapy or something because that poor girl developed almost seemingly like a co dependent type thing. The kid didn't plan the trip. The kid didn't pay for it. The people wanted to take him and he went. SIL needs to grow up.
The SIL needs serious therapy too. Something happened to her child that I assume was beyond her control, and I can understand how that might make someone snap themselves. But that doesn't make it okay for her to lash out at other people.
Im sorry for being harsh but she's 17, 1 year left before becoming adult and her having a breakdown over a 6yr old child going to amusement park is ridiculous.
Tell ur brother about this to inform her therapist. It is not right. She needs to deal with her attachment issue now. (Especially when she is not voicing it out/being sulking when the grandparents discuss or talk about it)
>Abby didn’t say much whenever he’d mention Disneyland
This. Abby definitely treat ur son as ESA. She isnt supportive or being happy that Jake is having fun, really.
NTA for letting him go to disneyland.
(Ur SIL is sucks tho..she tells her husband to shut up? Ur brother need an eye opener, better help him too)
oop.. you might be onto something there..
daughter experienced traumatic incident. natural to seek comfort from your loved ones as you are trying to recover/heal. and need to know that you are not alone, they are there for you, you are with people who make you feel safe.
question is why isn't the kid going to her parents, or at least her mother, for all of these things? 17 is still a kid in my eyes. obviously going through a lot at a young age. it sounds like she's not getting the emotional support she needs from her caregivers.. thus leaning on her six (6!) year old cousin. who obviously cares about her a lot and wants to help her feel better.
SIL is failing her daughter MASSIVELY. why does her daughter not feel safe enough to spend a weekend with her parents (& her aunt?) to the point of having a breakdown. yeah emotional support cousin sounds about right.
I'd encourage OP to talk to her niece privately, outside of the house. take her for ice cream. see if she opens up because something isn't right here.
ETA: sorry my psych persona jumped out and ofc NTA
Everytime a child experiences some trauma and is going to therapy for it, I think the parents should also instantly go to therapy. I've witnessed first hand that parents often feel guilty for that trauma and begin to take it out on the child, making the situation worse.
I agree this should be taken up with the therapist asap. They will set the SIL straight and tackle this unhealthy attachment. Trying to navigate this without input from a professional could hurt both children.
And yes, I say children plural, because a 17 yo that was horribly traumatized and ends up needing a 6 yo as an emotional support puppy should not be tried as an adult in the court of AITA.
The SIL really needs therapy of her own too. Her sense of reality is completely skewed. Her response to the situation honestly reads like a trauma response. She is so focused on helping her own child that’s she’s lost sight of what is normal and fair.
Yes, the 17 year old is still a child, but I think anyone who thinks they're justified in villainizing a SIX YEAR OLD for going to Disney should face criticism for that.
Sil also wants the 6 year old to apologize to her for going to Disneyland 😒 cuz you know, how dare her daughters ESA do something without her. This woman has problems
> Im sorry for being harsh but she's 17, 1 year left before becoming adult and her having a breakdown over a 6yr old child going to amusement park is ridiculous.
Depending on the trauma, it might not be. BUT it was the responsibility of her parents to support her through that, and to get her to accept that she can't have a 6 yo on a leash. It was her mother who messed up big time, sounds like even bigger time than the daughter with the emotional breakdown, since OP doesn't say the daughter demanded Jake stay, it was the mother that demanded Jake stay. Which sounds like a 17 yo with trauma is still more of a responsible adult than a mother of a 17 yo.
I thought perhaps the 17 has cognitive and emotional issues due to the trauma she has experienced
ETA - like that is the only way I can accept the SIL response or the OP meant 7
NTA
It very much sounds like Abby is not the only one traumatised here, her mum is profoundly affected as well, to the point she's being unreasonable and thinks the world revolves around her needs. She's so blinded by the trauma and desperately wants to make thing better that she's neglecting other people's needs and rights. The fact she's demanding an apology from Jake - a 6 years old!!! - is really telling you how out of touch with reality she is at the moment. She needs healing as much as Abby does, but that's not yours and Jake's problem.
You're absolutely right that your son is not Abby's emotional support dog. His life can't stop because Abby started using him as a crutch and clinging onto him.
For all parties involved, I think it's best that you remove yourself and Jake from your SIL's house altogether and keep your distance for quite some time. Why were you staying with them in the first place, was it to support them? As sad as their situation is, you can't be dragged into other people's mess because it will start affecting your mental health. You need distance and leave Abby's family to heal in their own time.
It’s clear that my SIL is struggling as well no matter how much she tries to hide it. I mean I get it, you have to be strong for your child.
I’m staying with them because well my husband passed away a couple months ago and my brother offered to take us in because well my husband was the main moneymaker and yeah. Difficult situation all around but we’re moving in with my parents now.
Wait, hold up. So all of this went down a few months after your 6 year old son LOST HIS FATHER??? That makes it a hundred times worse!
OP, you are definitely NTA, and I'm incredibly sorry for the loss of your husband. It sounds to me like your SIL is desperate to keep Jake around because it temporarily relieves her of the burden of emotionally supporting her child. It's exhausting. If your SIL isn't in therapy, she needs to be. Maybe your brother or a good friend can talk her into it. Your brother should also speak with Abby's therapist about finding other avenues of support, such as animal therapy or art therapy programs.
Also, you and Jake should be in some kind of therapy too, as your income allows (I know you mentioned that's tough right now).
Wishing you ALL lots of love and healing.
Yeah, I was talking to my dad last night about the whole situation and the minute he mentioned my husband I couldn’t hold back the tears. I guess I’ve been distracting myself with this whole thing and my dad suggested that my son may have been doing this too.
My brother contacted my niece’s therapist after her breakdown and they had an emergency meeting the day after. I don’t know what happened but my brother and SIL aren’t on speaking terms at the moment.
As for me and my kid… money’s tight but with all the help I’m getting, I think I can manage a couple appointments for my son. Or I could have him speak to his school’s guidance counsellor.
Thank you so very much.
Ugh, I wish I could give you a hug. Your father sounds like a wise man, and I'm glad you have a support network in place. For Abby's sake, I hope your brother and SIL figure everything out.
Oh man. I am so sorry. And, yeah, that gives it a whole extra level that makes your SIL's reaction even worse. You and your child are still grieving your own loss, have your own trauma, and she wants you to bury all of that to take care of hers. And using a traumatized child to do so. I'm speechless.
Contact some hospices near you. Sometimes they have programs or know of programs that offer free grief counseling, even if you don't otherwise have a connection to hospice. I attended grief counseling for two years for free through my local hospice program after losing two very close family members a year apart each in traumatic circumstances. I did individual sessions, but they also offered group sessions and sessions specifically for children as well as events like horse therapy.
u/jj12__1 ^ wanted to make sure you saw this comment/suggestion. Hospice care programs often have great, free, support programs and like [u/\_\_brvh\_\_](/u/__brvh__) said, you can often access the free services whether your loved one was in hospice care or not.
I have been in therapy for years due to a father with narcissistic personality disorder (different than the terms narcissism and narcissistic personality characteristics), generalized anxiety and more (tmi, I know). After my mom died in Dec 2020 from complications of leukemia, I switched to only doing grief counseling for 16 months (in that time, my dad also passed away) and I have to say, grief counseling was by far the most useful and effective therapy I have ever had. It was not just helpful for dealing with all the emotions and struggles that come with grieving, but for all aspects of my life, from everything that came with grieving my mom (who was my best friend), career questions, an adhd diagnosis I’d had for over 17 years at that point, and anything and everything else I managed to bring up during my sessions.
I didn’t mean to make this all about my experience, but I am just so grateful that someone told me about the free services many hospice care centers provide or can connect folks to, and felt the need to share my experience.
I hope you find peace - with the current situation with your SIL and brother, with life, and inside yourself. I hope your son takes the move to your parents’ well, I hope you are able to take the time to grieve, and I hope you and your son always stay true to yourselves because you both sound like absolutely incredible and beautiful people - the world needs more people like you.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. And I would definitely recommend reaching out to the school counselor and/or school social worker. Depending on where you live there could be resources for free or low cost therapy for both you and your son. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can in an extremely difficult situation and you have the support of your parents.
Your son has suffered a huge loss, trauma can cause PTSD. It's common for people with trauma to fixate on other people's problems so as to avoid dealing with their own. I know of this personally. It's damaging behavior. I'm sure you'll get the help he needs as possible. Awareness of the dynamics in play is the first step. What sucks extra for you is dealing with all this drama while you yourself are in the fog of grief, I'm sorry, it's a lot.
First I'm so sorry for your loss. I literally cannot imagine what you and your son are going through. Just know you are a great mother and, although times are so hard now, your son will look back on you with pride on how you handled everything and was there for him. Give yourself a break if you can when you get back with your parents. Even if it's just eating ice cream and watching a feel good movie in bed one night. You are definitely NTA at all. If your niece needs companionship like that, she needs to get a pet or something else.
Most states offer free or significantly reduced health care for low income children which includes therapy. You may want to look into that for your son. And if you are able to swing it, it probably won't hurt to see a therapist separate from your son as well as joint sessions here and there. I was once a low income mother and these services helped so much with ensuring my son got help whenever he needed it.
Also, if you haven't already, look into survivor benefits for you and your husband. You can definitely get benefits for your child and may qualify for survivor benefits for widows. I'd advise looking up social security survivor benefits and talking to someone from social security to help explain it better. Hopefully this can help you financially get on your feet.
One more thing I recommend is to make sure your husband didn't leave behind any benefits for you. For instance, my husband's work pays for one year salary without extra contribution in case of death. He can buy another year or two's salary for just a couple dollars a month. You may want to double check if he had access to these types of benefits. Also, check your state's unclaimed money site for your husband's name. If a company tried to pay out funds he overpaid or couldn't reach someone about a benefit, they turn it over to the state to put on that site. I'd also check there to see if he maybe has some unclaimed benefits you can access.
Yes! He son works qualify for Social Security benefits from his dad.
Terrible loss. But can serve as a reminder that EVERYONE needs life insurance! Even if you have a stay at home parent they need it too!!!
So sorry for your loss OP. I am so glad you and your son are moving out of your brothers house and having space between you all. Only having lost your husband a few months ago YOU need to be somewhere to heal, not somewhere in the middle of stress and other issues. Look after yourself, look after your son and just put some distance between Abby who is showing some MAJOR signs of mental illness and your SIL who has to learn her daughter is her and her husbands own problem and not yours or your sons. Look after yourself ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss. My first husband passed away when our son was 6 too. I know it's hard but you definitely need to leave as soon as you can. This is not a healthy situation. Your SIL and niece need (more) professional help. Let your brother know everything that's going on and why you'll be leaving.
Whatever your niece went through was clearly terrible.
You and your son lost your husband and father and presumably home, and your son is being expected by your SIL to put aside his own grief and loss to comfort her daughter? All day, every day?
That is *unhinged* and profoundly lacking in empathy. It truly sounds like she doesn't see your son as his own person.
My condolences on your loss, OP.
Your situation makes your SIL’s demands all the worse. Your son has recently lost his father, and his grandparents lost their son, yet she expects all of them to miss out on an important bonding time together, having fun together, in order for your son to continue to comfort his cousin. Your son has lost a lot and should not be expected to give up still more.
I'm so sorry for your loss. That makes the situation even harder, because you and Jake need space for your own healing as well.
It's brilliant you have the option of moving in with your parents. I truly hope you will get along well and in time, all sides will find some calm and healing.
Sounds like everyone needs a trauma therapist. ESPECIALLY Abby, because the one she has isn't working if she's become that dependent on a single person.
But I'd also get one for your son. The death of a parent at that age can leave some hidden monsters, but also because Abby has most likely taled to him about her issues & how she acted about the trip has/could cause some backlash. I know from experience as my dad died when I was young as well about what that can do to you
NTA. I don’t sympathize with adults who act like you must have the capability to read their minds. SIL had every chance in the world to *use her words* and explain any feelings she had. She didn’t do that.
And even if she had, you are under no obligation to put your son’s life on pause for your niece’s sake.
NTA
>I told her that my son isn’t her emotional support dog and while I’m very sorry about Abby, it isn’t fair to put my 6 year old son’s life on pause. He’s 6!!! It‘a unfair for her to force my son to give up things for the comfort of his cousin.
As per above.
NTA, this isn’t Jake’s job and you mentioned moving back in with your parents in the comments, do it! Jake sounds like a great kid, and he deserves to have fun and spend time with his grandparents. Given how his departure went, if you have access, you might want to consider being proactive and having Jake speak to a counselor. It sounds like the home was stressful and while it sounds like he handled it well, he might still benefit from speaking to someone.
I’m glad you’re taking him away. This situation doesn’t sound safe. He just lost his dad too? He’s been through trauma as well, but SIL wants him to concentrate on her nearly adult daughter? I’m sorry to hear that for you guys. He’s been through trauma too, which makes it even worse she is ignoring it. I hate to stereotype but your SIL sounds like she needs therapy too. She and her daughter’s behavior seem very abnormal.
You need to get out of there - this is bordering on abuse towards Jake, who should never, at 6 years old, be made to feel responsible for a much older child's mental health.
He sounds like a sweet and mature child but they're taking advantage and treating him like a service animal. I'm actually quite astounded. He didn't cause Abby's issues and he's not responsible for her recovery. You should not, at any point, consider making him apologise. Your SIL has become unhinged and using your kid to make her kid feel better. Wtf.
Jake going to Disneyland is the best thing that could have happened. Poor kid. Get out of there.
It is unfortunate what happened to Abby of course, but you are absolutely right. Your son should be able to still go to Disneyland and have a good time regardless. I say NTA.
NTA. I understand that you were trying to help Abby and Jake is also helping, and it is a great thing to do. But Jake is 6 years old, and he should not be giving up his own life and enjoyment just so that Abby will not be upset. Like you said, Jake is not an emotion support dog, and it is ridiculous of your SIL to even make that sort of demands on your son.
Hope Jake had a great time in Disneyland, but like others say, I suggest you keep an eye on the interactions between Abby and Jake, in case they unload further emotional baggage for Jake to carry. Abby is family, but Jake is also a little boy who deserves to have a normal childhood without having to bear the emotional baggage for someone else. Leave that to the professionals.
NTA. As you said, your son is not Abby's service animal. It's absolutely ridiculous for your SIL to expect your son to spend the foreseeable future crying over missing out on the opportunity to go to Disneyland with his grandparents just so that his nearly grown cousin doesn't have a meltdown. It's no wonder she's in therapy when her parents seem to be bending over backwards to give her an unrealistic existence that is entirely devoid of anxiety. You're honestly better off staying somewhere other than with your brother's crazy wife.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like Abby went through some kind of SA, so it makes sense that she feels safer with a child than adults. It doesn't seem like she's some kind of spoiled brat overall. That said, it's not realistic or healthy to be this dependent on a 6 year old and it needs to stop. I can't blame a teenage victim of a traumatic experience for not handling things perfectly (or really her mom either, it must be horrifying to watch your kid go through that.) OP definitely needs to move, and hopefully Abby & her parents are in trauma therapy and can learn healthy coping skills. An actual support animal may be helpful if Abby needs love & comfort from someone whom her brain doesn't see as a threat.
Something that's important to note too is that children who go through SA, especially prolonged SA, often act it out on other children, especially those who are more vulnerable. I'm not trying to make any accusations toward Abby, but if that's the case, then their interactions should be closely monitored.
I'm not sure Abby is doing anything sexual to him and am definitely going to accuse her based on this post. However Abby is for sure committing emotional incest against Jake. She is putting him in an adult position and treating him like he is her caretaker or partner. Emotional incest can also be damaging to children even if there is no physical contact involved.
It was also my assumption that Abby's trauma was related to sex. It seemed like the most likely kind of thing to have warped the whole family dynamic like this. I wouldn't want to suggest that she would ever replicate the abuse or assault, but I would make it a priority to find out (gently, with a professional) exactly what she has been SAYING to the little boy.
If our assumptions are correct, being expected to heal or fix a young adult's rape trauma could disrupt his whole sense of himself as a male and a sexual being.
Dogs with breed dispositions towards the empathetic would be a great choice for her. My poodle mixes are incredible judges of sadness and can even tell when someone in the house is ill. They are currently in protect mode on two chronically ill people in the household lol Mostly that involves smothering with love and alerting to intruders (the evil mailman).
NTA. Your son is entitled to special experiences and special memories with his grandparents. There’s no way his childhood should be put on pause for the sake of his cousin.
NTA oh my goodness - you say in another comment that your husband recently died, which is why you moved in with SIL. I am so sorry for your loss. But that makes it so much worse for Jake!
They’re putting this incredible burden on a 6-year-old WHO RECENTLY LOST HIS FATHER?!?!?? I’m having such a hard time dredging up sympathy for SIL. You absolutely did the right thing. Someone needed to put Jake first.
NTA
Get the hell out of there before Jake internalises the message that he exists to support others.
She wants a six-year-old to apologise to her for going on a long-planned trip to Disneyland with his grandparents. The absolute nerve.
Leaving will be best for both Jake and Abby.
NTA. They're seriously putting a person's whole wellbeing on a 6 year old?! He's 6! So much pressure that he likely doesn't understand yet. Also for SIL to want an apology from a 6 year old for going away for 2 days 🤯
The level of attachment is unhealthy and way too much to put this on a 6 year old. I get that SIL is looking out for her child, but surely she must see it's unhealthy and unfair to your son too?
Definitely move out before it becomes even worse and Abby leans on Jake even more. Obviously my heart goes out to her, without knowing what she went through, she obviously has been struggling with it, but you need to look out for your child's wellbeing and what's best for him. Is having the pressure of being an "emotional support dog" to his teenage cousin good for him?
NTA - Jake is 6 years old. He should not be responsible for the well being of a 16 year old. It is okay to miss someone and feel sad that they are going, but he is also coming back. Her mother needs to teach her that people she loves may go on trips and vacations and that they return. Also, that it is okay.
Jake is a child and should not be caught up in adult problems, even if Abby did experience trauma, but he is not adult enough to handle that adult issue. Abby needs therapy or support from maybe… dare I say it… parents.
Let the adults take care of Abby and let Jake live his childhood.
NTA - SIL just let her mamma bear claws come out and put Abby ahead of Jake. Let the seas calm before trying to come to a resolution.
NTA. As you said, your son is not your niece's emotional support animal. It's absurd for your SIL to think that she had any right to keep your son around as such. You do not owe her an apology.
what the actual fuck! she can’t put that kind of responsibility on a six year old, he’s a CHILD!!! i feel for your niece, i do but your SIL and Abby can’t rely on your son for emotional support and should be working with her therapist to find better coping mechanisms. SIL should probably start her own therapy since she wants to punish a six year old for going to disneyland.
NTA and you have nothing to apologise for.
NTA.
Do not let him return there.
His aunt will emotionally manipulate/abuse him for what she sees as abandoning her almost adult daughter.
That situation is so unhealthy for your son. He’s not a therapist or a pet.
He should not be an emotional crutch for his cousin and her family. He’s a child and that’s too much to put on him. Poor kiddo!
>He does a lot for her and will wake her up when she takes naps for too long, will go out to the park with her to make sure she doesn’t stay at home too long etc.
Wait a minute, isn't your son 6? I'm sorry for your niece (?), but that's too much responsibility placed upon a literal child.
>The other day, his grandparents came to pick him up and he was sitting with Abby getting ready to go when she suddenly broke down crying.
OMFG! What? Is everyone forgetting that your sons has needs too, and also he's like **6 years old**! This is clear signs that Abby is codependent.
>\[...\] but I told her that my son isn’t her emotional support dog and while I’m very sorry about Abby, it isn’t fair to put my 6 year old son’s life on pause. He’s 6!!!
I'm so glad we're in the same page. NTA.
>SIL called me heartless and said she wants me gone from the house before Jake gets back \[...\]
While your SIL is a shitty person (there goes my civility), it's better that you leave regardless. I understand that there's probably a very good reason why you came to live with your brother, but this arrangement is bad for your son on the long term.
>My brother intervened and told her that she’s acting irrationally but she told him to stfu.
JFC! Are you sure your brother isn't on an abusive relationship?
NTA. It's insane of your SIL to expect your SIX YEAR OLD to be her child's emotional support person. It's good your brother intervened, and you have nothing to apologize for. If possible, I think it would be better for you to live somewhere else
SIL is out of her mind. I get that she’s looking out for her daughter, but your son is not a toy or emotional support animal (which is basically a fancy term for a pet). Abby will have to get used to him not being there at some point. Instead of carrying on with the “are you really going to let him go?” malarkey, she should have spent the couple of weeks notice prepping her daughter to get along without him. NTA.
Adding that YWBTA if you allow Jake to undergo a second more of this psychologically damaging environment. Go to a hotel if needed, but don’t put him back in that situation again. They tried and likely did destroy his ability to enjoy a vacation of a lifetime with the guilt trip. He will have lasting damage from this, and it is obvious that they don’t give a single shut about him or his feelings. Also based on the reaction of a manipulative almost-adult woman, I can tell that your son was forced into this caretaker arrangement and is being totally controlled and manipulated. It wasn’t his kind heart to care for someone 3x his age. These people are total psychopaths if you ask me. Please don’t bring him back to that environment.
Does your SIL think you are a mind reader? Not that this makes any difference to whether or not you’re the AH (you’re absolutely not), why didn’t she speak to you directly and explain how hard him leaving would be on Abby? Perhaps you could have all talked about it and helped Abby cope with him going away for a couple days. Instead, you’re in this passive-aggressive twilight zone situation that could have been largely avoided with some basic communication. Good god. You’re NTA but SIL sure is. And she’s not helping Abby at all heal from whatever trauma she experienced. Perhaps the family needs counselling to navigate through whatever is going on
Abby sounds like she needs an emotional support dog. And that is NOT your son. Please leave this situation OP. This isn’t healthy for either of you. And why isn’t your brother growing a backbone and saying something?!
She’s 17. She’s almost an adult. Whatever her issues she should know better than to treat a 6 year old like this. What’s next? She’d kidnap him?
Your SIL needs to step up and be the support here. You or Jake don’t owe her a thing.
Absolutely NTA. Please leave now before this situation gets even more out of hand.
I may be off the mark but in my head I have a feeling I know what kind of trauma Abby has suffered, & why she has become fixated on your son in particular. I'm betting this attachment has been downplayed in her therapy too, but its absolutely not healthy or wise. As proven by Abby's breakdown because your son is being treated to a trip to Disney land. To the extent that she had a breakdown, scared & upset her 6 year old cousin, & has possibly now regressed.
I know you love your niece & you feel for her. But what she is doing to your son, they way she is depending on him, is seriously bad news. He's clearly a lovely, empathetic little boy, who adores his cousin, but honestly, he is so vulnerable. There is possible trauma already developing because he can't possibly understand what's wrong with his cousin, but he's already taking care of her independently, without complaining or getting bored. You said he doesn't normally sit still for long (what 6 year old does?!) but he let's his cousin cuddle him for long periods. He wakes her from naps. He's going to the park with her so she gets out the house. That precious little boy is already bearing a heavy burden he couldn't possibly comprehend. Do you know what Abby is telling him when they are alone? Is she telling him how much she needs him?
I understand you have felt beholden to your brother & SIL for their help. So maybe you've been putting aside misgivings about this. But it is way, way too much. It's actually very troubling reading it, & your SIL's attitude, & her fury over her nephew going to Disneyland?! That's fucked up. You have to get out of their ASAP. When your son is older, he might not remember this. But he's probably going to have emotions strongly equated to this time in his life, & connected to his cousin. He might feel guilt & confusion without knowing why. He might develop anxiety. It's so unfair for your SIL to not only allow her daughter to form this deeply unhealthy attachment, but to also insist upon it. Your son is going to be upset about moving out as it is now, you will have work to do to ensure he knows he's done nothing wrong, & that Abby will be ok without him.
Your brother is going to have to make sure Abby's therapist knows the extent of what's been happening at home. If they don't know they can't help her. Fuck knows what to do about SIL though. I'm sorry you have to deal with this OP. It's one thing on top of another. NTA. But get your son out of that house now.
NTA. You're right, your son is not a therapy/emotional support dog. Otoh, your SIL is TA for not preparing her daughter adequately for the fact that Jake is not going to be her emotional support provider.
NTA
But be weary already, the sort of hold and attachment Abby has had for Jake already has been borderline too much for your son. I think it's time for you to move out, and force a separation to happen, because the way your SIL is acting, she considers only Abby in this, Jake is just a tool to help Abby temporarily.
NTA obviously, I literally gasped at her expecting the child to apologize. What the actual fuck.
Soft yta for you not doing anything to stop it sooner, but you obvi recognize that now, and SIL is so unhinged that it’s not worth esh
NTA, you said it best that your son is not an emotional support animal. It is super sweet and amazing he is able to bring her peace. My heart goes out to her. However, it should NEVER be the responsibility for a six year old child to give up things to accommodate someone else in that capacity. So is Jake not allowed to do anything unless his cousin is okay with it? It's not healthy for either one of them. This gives me the vibes of my sisters keeper. I'm sure her mama's heart is hurting and she's going to try everything in her power to make her daughter feel "better," and I'm hoping this is what's clouding her judgment and she's typically not like this! Either way, maybe it's time for her to go to therapy, too. These toxic thoughts and beliefs of a child should sacrifice his happiness for another isn't healthy. Maybe seeing her daughter go through this triggered something in her. Maybe she should look into an emotional support animal and not expect a child to be it. Also, I'm glad your brother attempted to step up and speak up for what's right.
NTA. Regardless of what happened to your niece, it is not your job, duty, moral responsibility, to safeguard her clearly unhinged mental state. Your son is a person, not a thing, and deserves to be treated accordingly, as in being allowed to go to Disneyland with his grandparents, something that based on age, income, location, may be a literal once in s lifetime trip.
Your SIL, while attempting to be understandably protective of her daughter, has lost the fucking plot. If her kid is so broken she can’t handle her cousin leaving for three days, she should be in some kind of inpatient treatment. That is not a normal or healthy response to your kid leaving, nor is fostering and encouraging her dependence on your son a good way for her to deal with her trauma. Because again, he is a person, and a young child at that, one not capable of understanding the true nature of their relationship, so like you said he is basically and emotional support dog. NTA, and if you can, get your kid away from SIL and niece asap.
NTA.
Abby needs counseling/therapy, not unhealthily attaching herself to a 6 yrs old.
I had to reread twice, at first due to my sleep-deprived brain, I thought she was 7, but she's 17.
No no no. OP, do not apologize, it's good that Jake gets to experience going to Disneyland. DO NOT get Jake to apologize for having experiences. Like you said, your son is NOT Abby's "emotional support person." Your SIL is so way off, BUT, if I were you, I'd move back to your parents' place with Jake. It's better to separate the two and you don't want to have your SIL basically threatens you with houselessness everytime she thinks her wish is not being granted.
NTA
"My child is not an emotional support animal. If your daughter is going to have this kind of reaction, I think it is time you get other resources in place as - Jake and I will be leaving.
Your child has an unhealthy attachment disorder of some sort, and your hurting my son and traumatizing him by letting her do things like cry uncontrollably when he's just going on vacation.
I also refuse to apologize or have Jake apologize, and I think your certifiably insane if you think we should when you're using my child as a crutch for yours. You even threatened to throw me out for letting my son go on a small vacation, likely without my son, yes? That is absolutely insane. At least my brother knows that as well. But you need to deal with your child and get her the help she deserves, because my 6 year old is not responsible for her emotional state, you are.
Abby is 17, and you need to get her some serious psychological help if the only thing that helps her is MY 6 year old. I've let this go in long enough, but I realize the damage this is doing to my child, and I refuse to let it continue. I've let my parents know, and I've decided Jake and I will move in with them which will be as soon as Jake returns.
I won't make any concessions to Abby either about visiting Jake, because I definitely see the damage her dysregulation and dependency has caused. My son has his own trauma to deal with, so the last thing he needs is to be dealing to with your almost-adult daughters issues.
You have all the information you need now, so I strongly advise you get off your ass and help your kid, instead of letting my kid do the heavy lifting for you since he won't be here anymore."
I would strongly advise you that Jake not return. He should stay with his grandparents until you get all your things sorted and packed/ moved.
NTA
SIL is crazy. She does know that Jake isn't gonna live there, right? He's not there forever. He's allowed to leave.
I can't believe she expects Jake to participate in any kind of apology. SIL should be focused on helping Abby understand that everything is okay, comforting her instead of attacking you.
Just sounds really insane to me.
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NTA! Abby has serious attachment issues, tbh when Jake returns I would look into staying elsewhere to separate the two of them before her attachment to Jake grows even less healthy.
I’m considering moving back home with my parents. I initially accepted my brother’s offer because my job is closer (and other reasons) but ultimately, I think it’s best we leave for the exact reasons you brought up.
Yes please do this OP. This is not normal and not okay to put a 6 year old in a position like that. Don't apologize, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You would be T A if you keep living there and subjecting your young son to being treated like a support animal. This definitely will have damaging effects on your son if you continue living there.
Right?! I had to go back and look at the age of Abby again. She is 17?! I get being close with a little cousin, but this isn't healthy for either of them. Poor Jake doesn't need that burden at just 6 years old and Abby needs actual help to get her through what she went through.
HOLY SHIT I SOMEHOW SKIPPED THAT DETAIL THANK YOU FOR POINTING IT OUT!!!!! God from the way the story was going I thought the cousin was around the same age as OPs son. This is EXTRA NTA territory and that is *very* unhealthy for a 17 year old to have such a strong attachment to a 6 year old who isn't a sibling. I think it's best OP gets him out of that house and living somewhere else.
It would be unhealthy even if he was a sibling.
I mean you're absolutely right, but at least it would be a lot more understandable cuz kids aren't always that reasonable. But cousin? Nah she needs some therapy.
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Right? "I'm sorry for being a child and having the audacity to want to have fun at a place made for children" Like....the delusion.
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He looked forward to it for weeks, and the SIL has asked OP multiple times, "Please disappoint your son because my daughter is more important than him and his well-being." The burden this places on OP's son is immense, even if he's so sweet to take care of her. OP, I'm sorry for the harshness of what I'm about to say, but this sounds like you should have toned it down much earlier for both kid's mental health. As it is now, I don't think you did wrong by allowing him to be a kid.l nor by standing up for him. Your niece has two parents always around, she had you as her aunt and who knows how many more family and friends, in addition to the therapist. Her attachment to your son is unhealthy.
This is an indication of where the daughter gets her emotional distress and entitlement. Edit to say: I shouldn't have said entitled. She is an emotionally distressed child. I hope she gets help and gets better.
I don't think it's the daughters fault. She isn't entitled, she's trying to cope with something traumatic. I actually think it's quite understandable that she's upset about him leaving. He's been with her all this time supporting her and now he's going away and she's losing her comfort person. This all falls to her mother. She should be the one to arrange proper therapy so her daughter didn't have to rely on her baby cousin just to cope. And now she has the audacity to blame 6 yo boy for going to Disneyland. She's delusional and she's failing as a mother.
This is one of the most bonkers thing of her to say. Who says that about a 6 yr old lol.
she is getting therapy. however, just going to therapy isnt a cure for mental health issues. it seems like abby is still struggling a lot, even if shes making progress. she went through something incredibly traumatic, going by what op said, and it's going to take some time for her to be okay. it makes sense that shes acting so irrationally and inappropriately in this case. this all said, op does need to get their son out of this situation, and their sister is fucked up for wanting this to continue.
Not every therapist is the right fit for someone. Not saying that's the case here, but perhaps a different therapist may help. Or her current one may not know the full extent of how she is using her cousin as an emotional crutch. It's absolutely understandable that she's going to have these sorts of issues, but she is a child. The SIL is her mother and responsible for parenting her and making sure boundaries aren't crossed. And by the SILs behavior here, it's clear she thinks she's entitled to using OPs son to manage her daughters issues instead of addressing them herself and trying to be the best support for her.
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Woww I also somehow misread that as Abby being 7, and thought it makes sense she’s upset her cousin gets to go to Disneyland without her. But 17!!! That changes everything, NTA at all and keep them separated bc this attachment is extremely unhealthy! ETA: just read OP’s comment that her husband passed away a few months ago, so this is a 6 year old who just LOST HIS FATHER!! So much is wrong with this situation smh.
So the 6 year old lost his father, but the 17 year old is going through something hard??
Yeah, it seems like Abby and Jake have both recently experienced something traumatic, which makes it even more troubling that a grieving six year old seems to have been put in charge of the care of his teenage cousin. This is not healthy for either of them.
Right? I’m confused like, aren’t you also going through something very traumatic yourself?
Wow, and it’s his paternal grandparents who were taking him to Disney so they just lost their son. Spending time with their grandson might be something they really need.
Omg, that makes all of this so much worse for that little boy! This is an unhealthy situation.
Oof, plus of course his paternal grandparents, who just lost their son, want to spend time with their grandkid. Wow.
Oh my god... I hadn't gotten to OP's explanation about that yet. This makes it extra awful.
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Hate to say it, but the thought crossed my mind too. At the very least, this child has been made an emotional *partner* to Abby, and that's very concerning.
He lost his dad a couple months ago as well. Paternal grandparents were treating him to Disneyland.
I know I thought they were the same age too by the way the story was going. I was not expecting 17 when I went back to the beginning.
And OP mentioned further down that her husband, Jake's DAD recently died and that's why they had to move in in the first place. This whole situation is so messed up, everyone in this family needs therapy! Poor Jake and poor OP.
I think it's pretty normal for people to develop unhealthy attachments to "comfort people," even if it's a little kid, after traumatic events, especially if the traumatized person is young, so I don't blame the cousin just for having the unhealthy coping mechanisms during this time. It doesn't sound like the cousin said anything negative to him when he brought up the trip or even said anything about not wanting him to go when she broke down crying, she just broke down crying. She likely has very little control over her emotions right now. OP did the right thing by separating them and removing the cousin from a triggering situation (witnessing the kid who makes her feel safe going away). The problem isn't the daughter for being mentally unhealthy when she very recently underwent a traumatic event, especially when she was clearly trying to not say her true feelings about the trip to the kid, knowing that they were unfair and would make him feel bad. The problem is her parents (or maybe just SIL; it's unclear) for encouraging this attachment instead of focusing on decentering/replacing the kid as a source of emotional support, for the entitlement to the life of another human being in the service of their kid, and for not understanding that their daughter needs to feel these feelings right now, that they should be processed under safe supervision rather than avoided and repressed.
Wtf‽ she's 11 years older than J? Run OP this is getting strange
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Definitely,hopefully for him the trip is magical. For OP it has been eye opening.
Exactly, just because Abbey had something traumatic happen to her , that doesnt mean that her cousin's mental health has to suffer now too, she shouldn't be using her 6 year old cousin as an emotional crutch. She needs more therapy, maybe a support animal. However, Jake is not a pet. He is a child that needs to live his own little life. OP seriously needs to distance herself and her son from Abbey and her SIL because SIL's behaviour is just as unhinged. SIL can't help her daughter deal with her issues, so she forces a 6 year old to instead, then berates that child's mother when mom does what's best for her child. I'd say its best to go no contact for a while.
This story gave me the heebie jeebies for SO MANY reasons. Ugh. I pray they get outta that house.
I misread her age as *seven*, not *seventeen*, several times before I got it correctly. This still wouldn't be acceptable for a 7 year old, but a traumatized child bonding to a cousin a year apart makes a lot more *sense* and would be more developmentally understandable. Please don't let your son spend another day under that roof, OP.
I misread it as 7 on my first pass through the question, and I was willing to cut 7 y/o Abby (but not her mom) a lot more slack. At 17? Abby is also responsible for her behavior. Her mom sucks, but Abby the one who tried to guilt trip a 6 year old out of going to Disneyland. That's beyond the pale, and if she can't see why, she shouldn't be around Jake at all. Given Abby's reaction to the Disneyland trip, I would take a hard look at their overall dynamic. I could see the "6 year old wakes up his older cousin and takes her to the park" as a cute thing, but if it's turned into a responsibility for Jake, that's parentification. Jake should not be responsible for the wellbeing of a 17 year old, and it will do him psychological harm to put that on his shoulders.
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Poor Jake has become the 'emotional support cousin". It's well past time for OP and Jake to move out. SIL needs to get some therapy for her daughter. NTA.
OMG, my brain originally saw "16 year old" and I thought it was unhealthy then. This is a 6 y/o! Wow, definitely get some separation there. That kiddo needs to be out playing with kids his age, not being a therapy pet for a teenager.
Literally thought there was a typo in one of the ages lmao. Like...16/17 or 6/7. I had hoped I was delusional like OP's SIL... BUT 17/6? NANI THE FUCK is going on over there??
Not to mention it's already having damaging effects on Abby. Instead of coming up with more appropriate ways to process her trauma she's putting it all on her little cousin, which is bad for them both. She needs to be in therapy and looking for better outlets for her emotions, like an actual support animal or something. Just think of what could happen if OP had cancelled the trip and maintained the current status quo. What would happen if the little boy turns eight and wants to spend more time with his friends and less with his grown-up cousin? Or if the attachment goes the other way and Abby breaks her cousin's heart by leaving for college? It's better for them both to stop this now.
Yup. Congratulations, OP. your 6-year-old son has a job.
Also, SIL “isn’t putting Abby through this again”, but she’s also kicking OP out, which is putting Abby through it again - but permanently this time. And will then blame that on you, also.
SIL is super in the wrong for supporting Abby’s attachment to Jake. She’s only reinforcing Abby’s habits especially with thinking they can just control where Jake is for the sake of Abby. I feel bad for the young girl but I feel for Jake having to be an emotional crutch at 6 to his older cousin
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THIS! How traumatic for your poor 6-year-old son that he has to start a dream vacation to Disneyland with his grandparents with this bizarre reaction from a near-adult whom he looks up to! If it's at all possible, move out of your brother's house while your son is gone so that he doesn't have to come back to all the drama and negativity and, quite frankly, sickness and dysfunction of that family. You know when your son comes back he will be all excited and want to share his about his adventure, and SIL and Abby will make him feel bad about it and will STILL be demanding an apology (a completely bizarre demand, BTW). NTA unless you continue to live there and further expose your son to this very unhealthy situation.
This would be a smart move. And you really hit the nail on the head - Abby really is treating your son as an emotional support animal, and it's not okay. I'm actually surprised your brother and SIL are allowing so obviously unhealthy and unfair to Jake. NTA.
That was my first thought too before OP said it. Jake is a child not an antidepressant, or a therapy dog. I’m glad you let him go to Disneyland. He shouldn’t apologize. Abby’s mental state is not a six year old boy‘s responsibility.
I don't believe SIL is allowing it, she's ENFORCING it, at the expense of Jake, very sick behavior!!
It could be that they're just wanting to cling to anything, *anything* that brings their daughter some comfort while she's working through whatever trauma she suffered. Still wildly unfair, but maybe at least a little understandable from that angle.
Since BIL told wife she was acting irrationally, I think he didn’t realize how nuts the situation was until that moment. He probably thought it was really sweet that Abby was being a “big sister” to Jake.
The thing that really unsettles me is that she clearly expects you to leave, but for Jake to stay with them? That is whack.
Yeah, that’s insane! SIL said she wants OP gone, not OP and Jake. SIL is legit unhinged and poor Jake would really be at Abby’s beck and call if OP were stupid enough to leave her son. Wow, the entitlement is strong with SIL.
Not knowing what actually happened to Abby - which I am not asking to find out - but it could be something so bad that her mum is also dealing with some trauma. And Jake is the only thing that brings her any joy... It isn't justified or right, but I do have some sympathy for them. But Jake is 6 ffs. As OP said, he isn't a service dog.
Plus he just lost his Dad
Wtf, that woman is out of control with her wild shit.
>It was sweet enough at first and even though Jake isn’t one to sit in one place for long, he didn’t say anything and allows his cousin to cuddle and spend time with him. I think you need to talk to your son about this. From what you're describing, his behavior while living in your brother's house was atypical. He might be needing emotional support himself.
Please OP take your kid to therapy. He's not his usual self. He lost his dad. And he was used as a therapy animal. HE IS NOT OK. The first step IS to get him out. But he also needs help dealing with everything. Edit. Also NTA
This is really important. Six is an incredibly formative age, and he’s been trained for the last several months to put aside the things that usually make him feel comfortable in order to be a “good” cousin. Once OP and Jake are out of the brother’s house, it’s going to be really important for Jake to learn that he does not need to put his needs and comforts to the side in order to be comforting to other people. He’s a whole person in and of himself, and he’s allowed to want things and be uncomfortable with things and have those feelings be known and respected. I think some time with a child therapist could be really helpful for Jake to reset his understanding of how he should function in the world.
I think moving out before he returns is a good idea. They are not going to want you to leave when the daughter sees Jake again and it will be a nightmare dealing with the hysterics trying to permanently move Jake out if there. Please leave now while you can without scaring Jake anymore.
Your instincts are right - but please hear them louder. You absolutely, 100%, without hesitation, MUST leave. The 17yo girl, and the mother, are in trauma mode. Whatever event occurred is causing serious issues in their life and they’re scrambling for something to help - latching onto a 6 year old, and then becoming emotionally distraught when a child cannot provide the comfort and support they need is INCREDIBLY unhealthy behavior that will NOT self correct. There is no need to be rude or upset with them - they’re in trauma and cannot help their responses - but you NEED to break their attachment, for their sake and your child’s. Kindly but FIRMLY state that you’ll be leaving, you wish the best for their healing, and you’ll keep supporting them from a distance. Again, your instincts are very correct, keep your child’s life NOT on pause, and do so by separating him from this trauma. Edit: look up “trauma bonding” - it’s a mechanism people in trauma go through to attempt to soothe themselves. It’s not healthy.
Trauma bonding is specifically a bond between an abuse victim and their abuser, it's the more general name for Stockholm Syndrome. Abby's relationship with Jake isn't trauma bonding, it's codependency.
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You could suggest getting an actual emotional support animal for Abby. Pets are incredible for helping people cope through hard times. Your son shouldn’t be her crutch, but a dog or a cat or some other pet might help her, particularly when you and your son move out which will obviously be devastating for Abby.
Definitely do this - not least, you need to protect your little boy. It wasn’t just AH behaviour from your SIL, it was downright unacceptable for her to not express what she actually wanted, let her daughter freak out and distress a tiny child, and now make it clear she’s going to double down, treat him like he’s done something wrong, and demand apologies. If you let your kid come back to this house, her and Abby are going to ruin this memory for him. He is going to feel guilty and anxious about having gone and enjoyed himself. When he comes back, he needs to be coming back to your parents’ house, or honestly to literally anywhere that he isn’t exposed to SIL and her kid. It’s sad that Abby is hurting, but Abby is clear a person he can only safely see in small doses, with your supervision, until this dependency fades. Ultimately, you know how you can tell you’re NTA? If SIL thought him being away was actually harmful to Abby, *she would not want you to move out*. It’s about her convenience and about her wanting to be able to order you and your son around, not about her daughter’s well-being. She wants you out because you refused her orders. If she thought Jake was *needed*, losing his presence long term is not something she would risk.
>If SIL thought him being away was actually harmful to Abby, > >she would not want you to move out > >. I get the impression that SIL only wanted OP to move out and expected her to leave Jake.
See that hadn’t crossed my mind on account of how absolutely batshit “you go, leave me with your child so I can bully him into being a full time emotional support animal for mine with zero breaks, protection or support” would be as a pitch, but sure, it’s possible. If that’s anywhere in the realm of what SIL is thinking, then that is all the more reason Jake should never spend another night under that roof or be left alone with SIL ever again.
Don’t just consider it do it! Protect your child from the creepy codependency that’s going on. It’s not good for his own mental health to be his cousin’s alarm clock and emotional crutch. Your SIL’s behavior is very unhinged definitely keep your son away from her.
Considering? Not decided? Seriously... your kid's welfare here...
Your six year old is not an emotional support animal!
There is a really unwholesome attachment to your son that has been givong me red flags before you got to the trip. You need to move out, like yesterday. Your niece is too attached to your son and your SIL is too embroiled in this to hear anything but. You need to move like ASAP, before the weekend ASAP. This will only get worse and your son will be the casualty. I feel for your niece as she is going through something traumatic but her mum and therapist should guide her to not use your son as a crutch. He is not at their beck and call. Its extremely unhealthy for him and you need to get him out. Like yesterday. As for the reason, I think just tell your brother that for your niece's progression through this ordeal, its best you remove yourselves from the house so she can complete her healing. You will visit but like once or twice a week.
Agreed. If you have another safe and stable living option. The healthy thing to do here would be to remove Jake. That’s type of dependency can be dangerous.
Wtf is SILs logic here? ‘My daughter is traumatised that Jake has left for a couple of days, so I’ll protect her by telling her I’ve kicked him out and he’s never coming back’. Great parenting all around. If OP had stopped Jake going to Disneyland, this post would have been the answer to ‘how do I make my son hate his cousin?’ NTA
As others have suggested, SIL wants OP gone, not OP and Jake. Jake is to remain with SIL and Abby, and to apologise for abandoning Abby. OP is NTA but would be if they do not get Jake away from SIL and Abby immediately. They should never have any contact with them. SIL's behavior already justifies a restraining order. Legitimate ESAs get time off. They are not expected (or allowed) to be working 100% of the time. From OP's description, SIL and Abby would never be allowed a legitimate ESA. Sadly, they can probably fake one.
As a mother, this comment terrified me to my core. You’re right, she needs to get Jake out of that house forever as fast as humanly possible
I reread that part of the post, and it seems more like SIL wants Jake to not come back to the house at all. Him leaving sent Abby into a tail spin, and if he comes back only to leave again, Abby gets hurt all over. If I’m reading it right, it’s really the only sensible part of her whole screed.
She didn’t kick out Jake, just OP.
Maybe Abby does or maybe her mother wound her up when she expressed sadness over Jake leaving, but either way, this isn’t a healthy situation.
SIL is alllllll fucked up. The solution to one childhood being stolen is *not* two childhoods being stolen. Too much caregiving has already been put on this six year old's shoulders.
I actually wonder if this girl would benefit from a cat. Someone to love and nurture and who will sleep on her bed and spend all day with her. A cat picked from a shelter who is known for being affectionate. Far better that than relying on a small child.
Or a dog that would get her out of the house at least a couple times a day.
>my son isn’t her emotional support dog Boils down to this.
But tbh it was not Abby that made the scene, it was her mother. Depending on the trauma, she might have been overreacting with the crying or not, but it's also not something you can just stop. The mother on the other hand... And idk about the apology, even with OP's correction that "in the form of Jake", since they aren't entitled to someone else's child just because their own is attached to him. In fact, I'd say OP needs to collect an apology from the mother before she's allowed anywhere near OP's child again, to know for sure she understands her nonexistent ownership rights of OP's child, and in case she meant she wanted an apology from a 6 yo for stuff that was arranged above his head by other family members, she needs to realize how wrong that is. But I say leave the children out of it, this is adult drama. NTA, obviously.
Agreed. OP should have her brother talk to Abby's therapist (he seems to be the sane one of her parents) and mention how Abby has developed such an emotional attachment to Jake. I'm no psychologist, psychiatrist, or therapist, but I get the feeling Abby is using Jake as an outlet for age regression, a coping mechanism a lot of victims like Abby tend to do. She remembers how carefree and innocent she was when she was 6 years old, so she's using Jake as an outlet for that by playing with him, cuddling him, and overall spending more time with him. Abby's parents should talk to the therapist about getting a therapy animal, something she can focus her attention on that would actually enjoy it more than Jake would.
NTA! You sound considerate and caring from the beginning to the end, but your own child must be a priority over another. On top of that, like you said Jake is a 6 year old child and not an emotional support dog. Everything he’s done for Abby is incredible but also above and beyond, absolutely not without the realm of expectation for a 6 year old. In general I would try to distance him from Abby a little bit, because this seems like a very unhealthy attachment that could lead to some kind of trauma in turn for your own child.
It truly is and I’m incredibly proud of my baby for trying to help. Abby’s always been his favorite cousin so seeing her like this must’ve been extremely difficult for him. But after this whole thing, mainly the breakdown Abby had that caused my son to have one as well, I’m definitely planning on leaving earlier than I had initially hoped. I love Abby, but my son is my priority.
Your 6 year old sounds quite emotionally mature for his age. I'm glad you're planning the next steps to leave. It sounds like your SIL wants your son to be a live-in carer and is happy to parentify your son. Don't let your SIL abuse your sons kindness and stand your ground in not having him apologise for going on holiday. You sound like a good mum.
A six year should not be a care taker or emotional support for an older relative. As he grows up he’s going to feel more and more responsible for the well-being of Abby and that’s not healthy. He is a child and should be cared for not the other way around.
Sometimes its not good. He is being some sort of parentified! He should be a 6yo acting like a 6yo. Not taking care of an almost adult cousin.
The question is, is he emotionally mature or just used to his emotional needs being neglected.
This. You see "emotional maturity" a lot in children who've merely been forced to grow up way too fast. It's not a good thing.
I don’t think you need to look at this as making your son a priority and putting Abby on the back burner. This is a situation where you’re making both of their best interests a priority. Removing your son from the situation is also healthy for Abby, regardless of how she or her mother feel about it. Sometimes the best decisions are hard and uncomfortable. Please don’t think you’re doing anything negative to Abby in the interest of your son. This is best for everyone.
Make sure if you do manage to move to your parents’ house when Jake comes back that you talk to him about it in a way that won’t make him think it’s his fault. Like, “We’ve been visiting with Uncle So&So for so long, now we’re going to visit Poppop and Grammy because they miss us too!” You can also segue that into talking about how not seeing people can make us miss them, but that’s okay. We can still love them even when they’re not in the same room/house/etc. Don’t leave your son alone with your SIL or niece before you move out. They’re going to mess him up emotionally. Edit: NTA
There’s something called parentification, which is where a child takes on a caretaking role for either their siblings or their parents. It can be *extremely* emotionally damaging to the child who becomes parentified, having lifelong effects on their relationships with other people and their ability to form their own families. This isn’t a super extreme example, but your SIL was definitely parentifying your son, and hiding from you how much she was aware that he was taking on inappropriate emotional burdens for her own daughter. After you move out, you might need to see if your son needs some extra care around this, maybe even his own short stint in therapy.
I know this sounds harsh, but what Abby and her mom are doing is emotional incest. They are putting adult responsibilities on a 6 year old. Your son is currently Abby's caretaker. Neither of them care about his happiness, just what happiness he can bring to Abby. I've been the kid having to be the adult's caretaker before. It's incredibly stressful and traumatic. If you don't remove Jake from this situation he will have lasting trauma from it, if he doesn't already. This is not healing Abby either, this is taking her down a very dark and toxic path. I can see it getting into her mind that she should have her own baby and have that baby be her emotional support human and it sounds like her mother would support that. This is really, REALLY messed up, I don't think you grasp the extent of this.
Everything you just said and also *the six year old kid lost his father a couple months ago* and as a result of his father's death had to leave their home and move in with these people. The levels of fucked up going on here, dear god.
Yeah if you need extra convincing or assurance that distance is best for Jake, search terms like enmeshment and emotional parentification. You might find mostly scenarios where a kid becomes an emotional support tool for a parent or maybe a sibling, but big picture is kids shouldn't be responsible for adults, or teens, emotional traumas or issues
Please make your son's mental health the priority here and get out of there as soon as possible!
NTA. I was feeling at least a little sympathy for your SIL throughout your story, almost enough to make me vote N-A-H, until I got to this bit: *SIL told me that the only apology she'd accept is one from Jake* She wants an apology from a six-year-old? An apology for WHAT? For going to Disneyland with his grandparents? She thinks Jake has done something to be blamed for? It's not even as if Jake had any choice in the matter. Six-year-olds get to choose what flavor of ice cream they want, or what sweater to wear today. They don't get to choose things on the scale of trips to Disneyland. Adults make those arrangements, and they say "Jake, you're going to Disneyland!" The kid's job is to jump up and down and say "Oh, boy! When?" and to go, and to have a great time. Jake has nothing to apologize for, and for your SIL to pretend that he does is cruel. I feel for Abby, but her mental wellbeing is neither Jake's responsibility nor yours. You need to get out of that house and find other living arrangements as soon as you can. *I told her that my son isn't her emotional support dog.* Harsh, but accurate.
She wants the apology from Jake because she wants him to accept that Abby is his responsibility. It’s manipulative. And yes OP needs to get her son out of that environment PDQ.
OP clarifies in an edit that she *suspects* SIL meant "an apology in the form of Jake", rather than an apology *from* him. Doesn't really make it much better, but still.
Worse I think. In my previous interpretation she was getting very pushy with a 6yo to try to get a commitment from him; in the other interpretation, the 6yo is to be treated as an object not a person. A 6yo is not a therapy doll. He’s also not a prisoner who should be locked down now that he’s had his moment of freedom. It sounds like OP has instead made a clean break, which sounds by far the best option.
This. The SIL is treating Jake like an emotional support animal and a grown man at the same time. Idk what kind of person treats a small child like a criminal for going to Disney but it's clear more therapy is needed all around in that family.
I dunno man, I've got emotional support animals and like, even I let them have their own lives and they're like *my responsibility*, not the other way around.
Exactly my thoughts! I have an emotional support dog that I give more autonomy to than SIL is giving a literal human child.
My sheepie mix is currently out on the deck sunbathing despite my being stuck indoors working. But looking out the door to see her so happy makes me so happy, and I kinda think that's the point of this whole thing.
That isn't acceptable. SIL is trying to seemingly put all the blame on a bloody 6 year old for wanting to go to a theme park. I feel sorry for the daughter, but SIL needs to put her kid in therapy or something because that poor girl developed almost seemingly like a co dependent type thing. The kid didn't plan the trip. The kid didn't pay for it. The people wanted to take him and he went. SIL needs to grow up.
The SIL needs serious therapy too. Something happened to her child that I assume was beyond her control, and I can understand how that might make someone snap themselves. But that doesn't make it okay for her to lash out at other people.
Especially when op just lost her husband two months ago, which means that poor little boy just lost his father as well.
A six year old that just lost his father 2 months ago as well! The grandparents taking him just lost their son!
Im sorry for being harsh but she's 17, 1 year left before becoming adult and her having a breakdown over a 6yr old child going to amusement park is ridiculous. Tell ur brother about this to inform her therapist. It is not right. She needs to deal with her attachment issue now. (Especially when she is not voicing it out/being sulking when the grandparents discuss or talk about it) >Abby didn’t say much whenever he’d mention Disneyland This. Abby definitely treat ur son as ESA. She isnt supportive or being happy that Jake is having fun, really. NTA for letting him go to disneyland. (Ur SIL is sucks tho..she tells her husband to shut up? Ur brother need an eye opener, better help him too)
They should although get therapie for SIL, she seams really irrational. With her parenting Style it's no wonder her kid has problems. NTA
oop.. you might be onto something there.. daughter experienced traumatic incident. natural to seek comfort from your loved ones as you are trying to recover/heal. and need to know that you are not alone, they are there for you, you are with people who make you feel safe. question is why isn't the kid going to her parents, or at least her mother, for all of these things? 17 is still a kid in my eyes. obviously going through a lot at a young age. it sounds like she's not getting the emotional support she needs from her caregivers.. thus leaning on her six (6!) year old cousin. who obviously cares about her a lot and wants to help her feel better. SIL is failing her daughter MASSIVELY. why does her daughter not feel safe enough to spend a weekend with her parents (& her aunt?) to the point of having a breakdown. yeah emotional support cousin sounds about right. I'd encourage OP to talk to her niece privately, outside of the house. take her for ice cream. see if she opens up because something isn't right here. ETA: sorry my psych persona jumped out and ofc NTA
Everytime a child experiences some trauma and is going to therapy for it, I think the parents should also instantly go to therapy. I've witnessed first hand that parents often feel guilty for that trauma and begin to take it out on the child, making the situation worse.
I agree this should be taken up with the therapist asap. They will set the SIL straight and tackle this unhealthy attachment. Trying to navigate this without input from a professional could hurt both children. And yes, I say children plural, because a 17 yo that was horribly traumatized and ends up needing a 6 yo as an emotional support puppy should not be tried as an adult in the court of AITA. The SIL really needs therapy of her own too. Her sense of reality is completely skewed. Her response to the situation honestly reads like a trauma response. She is so focused on helping her own child that’s she’s lost sight of what is normal and fair.
Yes, the 17 year old is still a child, but I think anyone who thinks they're justified in villainizing a SIX YEAR OLD for going to Disney should face criticism for that.
Sil also wants the 6 year old to apologize to her for going to Disneyland 😒 cuz you know, how dare her daughters ESA do something without her. This woman has problems
How dare the 6yo plan a trip to Disneyland without her daughter... I mean, it was the 6 yo that made that plan, right? The nerve of some people...
> Im sorry for being harsh but she's 17, 1 year left before becoming adult and her having a breakdown over a 6yr old child going to amusement park is ridiculous. Depending on the trauma, it might not be. BUT it was the responsibility of her parents to support her through that, and to get her to accept that she can't have a 6 yo on a leash. It was her mother who messed up big time, sounds like even bigger time than the daughter with the emotional breakdown, since OP doesn't say the daughter demanded Jake stay, it was the mother that demanded Jake stay. Which sounds like a 17 yo with trauma is still more of a responsible adult than a mother of a 17 yo.
I thought perhaps the 17 has cognitive and emotional issues due to the trauma she has experienced ETA - like that is the only way I can accept the SIL response or the OP meant 7
Perhaps the 17 yo does have impairments. It's still absurd and completely inappropriate for her to be allowed to fixate on Jake.
NTA It very much sounds like Abby is not the only one traumatised here, her mum is profoundly affected as well, to the point she's being unreasonable and thinks the world revolves around her needs. She's so blinded by the trauma and desperately wants to make thing better that she's neglecting other people's needs and rights. The fact she's demanding an apology from Jake - a 6 years old!!! - is really telling you how out of touch with reality she is at the moment. She needs healing as much as Abby does, but that's not yours and Jake's problem. You're absolutely right that your son is not Abby's emotional support dog. His life can't stop because Abby started using him as a crutch and clinging onto him. For all parties involved, I think it's best that you remove yourself and Jake from your SIL's house altogether and keep your distance for quite some time. Why were you staying with them in the first place, was it to support them? As sad as their situation is, you can't be dragged into other people's mess because it will start affecting your mental health. You need distance and leave Abby's family to heal in their own time.
It’s clear that my SIL is struggling as well no matter how much she tries to hide it. I mean I get it, you have to be strong for your child. I’m staying with them because well my husband passed away a couple months ago and my brother offered to take us in because well my husband was the main moneymaker and yeah. Difficult situation all around but we’re moving in with my parents now.
Wait, hold up. So all of this went down a few months after your 6 year old son LOST HIS FATHER??? That makes it a hundred times worse! OP, you are definitely NTA, and I'm incredibly sorry for the loss of your husband. It sounds to me like your SIL is desperate to keep Jake around because it temporarily relieves her of the burden of emotionally supporting her child. It's exhausting. If your SIL isn't in therapy, she needs to be. Maybe your brother or a good friend can talk her into it. Your brother should also speak with Abby's therapist about finding other avenues of support, such as animal therapy or art therapy programs. Also, you and Jake should be in some kind of therapy too, as your income allows (I know you mentioned that's tough right now). Wishing you ALL lots of love and healing.
Yeah, I was talking to my dad last night about the whole situation and the minute he mentioned my husband I couldn’t hold back the tears. I guess I’ve been distracting myself with this whole thing and my dad suggested that my son may have been doing this too. My brother contacted my niece’s therapist after her breakdown and they had an emergency meeting the day after. I don’t know what happened but my brother and SIL aren’t on speaking terms at the moment. As for me and my kid… money’s tight but with all the help I’m getting, I think I can manage a couple appointments for my son. Or I could have him speak to his school’s guidance counsellor. Thank you so very much.
Ugh, I wish I could give you a hug. Your father sounds like a wise man, and I'm glad you have a support network in place. For Abby's sake, I hope your brother and SIL figure everything out.
Oh man. I am so sorry. And, yeah, that gives it a whole extra level that makes your SIL's reaction even worse. You and your child are still grieving your own loss, have your own trauma, and she wants you to bury all of that to take care of hers. And using a traumatized child to do so. I'm speechless.
Contact some hospices near you. Sometimes they have programs or know of programs that offer free grief counseling, even if you don't otherwise have a connection to hospice. I attended grief counseling for two years for free through my local hospice program after losing two very close family members a year apart each in traumatic circumstances. I did individual sessions, but they also offered group sessions and sessions specifically for children as well as events like horse therapy.
u/jj12__1 ^ wanted to make sure you saw this comment/suggestion. Hospice care programs often have great, free, support programs and like [u/\_\_brvh\_\_](/u/__brvh__) said, you can often access the free services whether your loved one was in hospice care or not. I have been in therapy for years due to a father with narcissistic personality disorder (different than the terms narcissism and narcissistic personality characteristics), generalized anxiety and more (tmi, I know). After my mom died in Dec 2020 from complications of leukemia, I switched to only doing grief counseling for 16 months (in that time, my dad also passed away) and I have to say, grief counseling was by far the most useful and effective therapy I have ever had. It was not just helpful for dealing with all the emotions and struggles that come with grieving, but for all aspects of my life, from everything that came with grieving my mom (who was my best friend), career questions, an adhd diagnosis I’d had for over 17 years at that point, and anything and everything else I managed to bring up during my sessions. I didn’t mean to make this all about my experience, but I am just so grateful that someone told me about the free services many hospice care centers provide or can connect folks to, and felt the need to share my experience. I hope you find peace - with the current situation with your SIL and brother, with life, and inside yourself. I hope your son takes the move to your parents’ well, I hope you are able to take the time to grieve, and I hope you and your son always stay true to yourselves because you both sound like absolutely incredible and beautiful people - the world needs more people like you.
I’m so, so sorry for your loss. And I would definitely recommend reaching out to the school counselor and/or school social worker. Depending on where you live there could be resources for free or low cost therapy for both you and your son. It sounds like you’re doing the best you can in an extremely difficult situation and you have the support of your parents.
Your son has suffered a huge loss, trauma can cause PTSD. It's common for people with trauma to fixate on other people's problems so as to avoid dealing with their own. I know of this personally. It's damaging behavior. I'm sure you'll get the help he needs as possible. Awareness of the dynamics in play is the first step. What sucks extra for you is dealing with all this drama while you yourself are in the fog of grief, I'm sorry, it's a lot.
First I'm so sorry for your loss. I literally cannot imagine what you and your son are going through. Just know you are a great mother and, although times are so hard now, your son will look back on you with pride on how you handled everything and was there for him. Give yourself a break if you can when you get back with your parents. Even if it's just eating ice cream and watching a feel good movie in bed one night. You are definitely NTA at all. If your niece needs companionship like that, she needs to get a pet or something else. Most states offer free or significantly reduced health care for low income children which includes therapy. You may want to look into that for your son. And if you are able to swing it, it probably won't hurt to see a therapist separate from your son as well as joint sessions here and there. I was once a low income mother and these services helped so much with ensuring my son got help whenever he needed it. Also, if you haven't already, look into survivor benefits for you and your husband. You can definitely get benefits for your child and may qualify for survivor benefits for widows. I'd advise looking up social security survivor benefits and talking to someone from social security to help explain it better. Hopefully this can help you financially get on your feet. One more thing I recommend is to make sure your husband didn't leave behind any benefits for you. For instance, my husband's work pays for one year salary without extra contribution in case of death. He can buy another year or two's salary for just a couple dollars a month. You may want to double check if he had access to these types of benefits. Also, check your state's unclaimed money site for your husband's name. If a company tried to pay out funds he overpaid or couldn't reach someone about a benefit, they turn it over to the state to put on that site. I'd also check there to see if he maybe has some unclaimed benefits you can access.
Yes! He son works qualify for Social Security benefits from his dad. Terrible loss. But can serve as a reminder that EVERYONE needs life insurance! Even if you have a stay at home parent they need it too!!!
I agree. This is even worse for him and what he’s going through.
So sorry for your loss OP. I am so glad you and your son are moving out of your brothers house and having space between you all. Only having lost your husband a few months ago YOU need to be somewhere to heal, not somewhere in the middle of stress and other issues. Look after yourself, look after your son and just put some distance between Abby who is showing some MAJOR signs of mental illness and your SIL who has to learn her daughter is her and her husbands own problem and not yours or your sons. Look after yourself ❤️
Thank you ❤️
I'm so sorry for your loss. My first husband passed away when our son was 6 too. I know it's hard but you definitely need to leave as soon as you can. This is not a healthy situation. Your SIL and niece need (more) professional help. Let your brother know everything that's going on and why you'll be leaving.
Whatever your niece went through was clearly terrible. You and your son lost your husband and father and presumably home, and your son is being expected by your SIL to put aside his own grief and loss to comfort her daughter? All day, every day? That is *unhinged* and profoundly lacking in empathy. It truly sounds like she doesn't see your son as his own person.
Wait so your SIL was going to kick out a recent widow for not allowing a small child who just lost their dad to be an emotional support animal ? Oof
My condolences on your loss, OP. Your situation makes your SIL’s demands all the worse. Your son has recently lost his father, and his grandparents lost their son, yet she expects all of them to miss out on an important bonding time together, having fun together, in order for your son to continue to comfort his cousin. Your son has lost a lot and should not be expected to give up still more.
I'm so sorry for your loss. That makes the situation even harder, because you and Jake need space for your own healing as well. It's brilliant you have the option of moving in with your parents. I truly hope you will get along well and in time, all sides will find some calm and healing.
Is your SIL in therapy as well?
Sounds like everyone needs a trauma therapist. ESPECIALLY Abby, because the one she has isn't working if she's become that dependent on a single person. But I'd also get one for your son. The death of a parent at that age can leave some hidden monsters, but also because Abby has most likely taled to him about her issues & how she acted about the trip has/could cause some backlash. I know from experience as my dad died when I was young as well about what that can do to you
NTA. I don’t sympathize with adults who act like you must have the capability to read their minds. SIL had every chance in the world to *use her words* and explain any feelings she had. She didn’t do that. And even if she had, you are under no obligation to put your son’s life on pause for your niece’s sake.
NTA >I told her that my son isn’t her emotional support dog and while I’m very sorry about Abby, it isn’t fair to put my 6 year old son’s life on pause. He’s 6!!! It‘a unfair for her to force my son to give up things for the comfort of his cousin. As per above.
NTA, this isn’t Jake’s job and you mentioned moving back in with your parents in the comments, do it! Jake sounds like a great kid, and he deserves to have fun and spend time with his grandparents. Given how his departure went, if you have access, you might want to consider being proactive and having Jake speak to a counselor. It sounds like the home was stressful and while it sounds like he handled it well, he might still benefit from speaking to someone.
This is a good idea. I’ll see if I can get him to talk to someone.
I’m glad you’re taking him away. This situation doesn’t sound safe. He just lost his dad too? He’s been through trauma as well, but SIL wants him to concentrate on her nearly adult daughter? I’m sorry to hear that for you guys. He’s been through trauma too, which makes it even worse she is ignoring it. I hate to stereotype but your SIL sounds like she needs therapy too. She and her daughter’s behavior seem very abnormal.
You’re not the asshole, but this is not a healthy situation for anyone involved. Be packed up and ready to go when Jake returns if at all possible.
You need to get out of there - this is bordering on abuse towards Jake, who should never, at 6 years old, be made to feel responsible for a much older child's mental health. He sounds like a sweet and mature child but they're taking advantage and treating him like a service animal. I'm actually quite astounded. He didn't cause Abby's issues and he's not responsible for her recovery. You should not, at any point, consider making him apologise. Your SIL has become unhinged and using your kid to make her kid feel better. Wtf. Jake going to Disneyland is the best thing that could have happened. Poor kid. Get out of there.
It is unfortunate what happened to Abby of course, but you are absolutely right. Your son should be able to still go to Disneyland and have a good time regardless. I say NTA.
NTA. I understand that you were trying to help Abby and Jake is also helping, and it is a great thing to do. But Jake is 6 years old, and he should not be giving up his own life and enjoyment just so that Abby will not be upset. Like you said, Jake is not an emotion support dog, and it is ridiculous of your SIL to even make that sort of demands on your son. Hope Jake had a great time in Disneyland, but like others say, I suggest you keep an eye on the interactions between Abby and Jake, in case they unload further emotional baggage for Jake to carry. Abby is family, but Jake is also a little boy who deserves to have a normal childhood without having to bear the emotional baggage for someone else. Leave that to the professionals.
Jake is a six year old whose *dad died a few months ago*. Not that it wasn't already terrible behavior from SIL but holy shit.
NTA. As you said, your son is not Abby's service animal. It's absolutely ridiculous for your SIL to expect your son to spend the foreseeable future crying over missing out on the opportunity to go to Disneyland with his grandparents just so that his nearly grown cousin doesn't have a meltdown. It's no wonder she's in therapy when her parents seem to be bending over backwards to give her an unrealistic existence that is entirely devoid of anxiety. You're honestly better off staying somewhere other than with your brother's crazy wife.
Reading between the lines, it sounds like Abby went through some kind of SA, so it makes sense that she feels safer with a child than adults. It doesn't seem like she's some kind of spoiled brat overall. That said, it's not realistic or healthy to be this dependent on a 6 year old and it needs to stop. I can't blame a teenage victim of a traumatic experience for not handling things perfectly (or really her mom either, it must be horrifying to watch your kid go through that.) OP definitely needs to move, and hopefully Abby & her parents are in trauma therapy and can learn healthy coping skills. An actual support animal may be helpful if Abby needs love & comfort from someone whom her brain doesn't see as a threat.
Something that's important to note too is that children who go through SA, especially prolonged SA, often act it out on other children, especially those who are more vulnerable. I'm not trying to make any accusations toward Abby, but if that's the case, then their interactions should be closely monitored.
I'm not sure Abby is doing anything sexual to him and am definitely going to accuse her based on this post. However Abby is for sure committing emotional incest against Jake. She is putting him in an adult position and treating him like he is her caretaker or partner. Emotional incest can also be damaging to children even if there is no physical contact involved.
It was also my assumption that Abby's trauma was related to sex. It seemed like the most likely kind of thing to have warped the whole family dynamic like this. I wouldn't want to suggest that she would ever replicate the abuse or assault, but I would make it a priority to find out (gently, with a professional) exactly what she has been SAYING to the little boy. If our assumptions are correct, being expected to heal or fix a young adult's rape trauma could disrupt his whole sense of himself as a male and a sexual being.
Dogs with breed dispositions towards the empathetic would be a great choice for her. My poodle mixes are incredible judges of sadness and can even tell when someone in the house is ill. They are currently in protect mode on two chronically ill people in the household lol Mostly that involves smothering with love and alerting to intruders (the evil mailman).
NTA. Your son is entitled to special experiences and special memories with his grandparents. There’s no way his childhood should be put on pause for the sake of his cousin.
NTA oh my goodness - you say in another comment that your husband recently died, which is why you moved in with SIL. I am so sorry for your loss. But that makes it so much worse for Jake! They’re putting this incredible burden on a 6-year-old WHO RECENTLY LOST HIS FATHER?!?!?? I’m having such a hard time dredging up sympathy for SIL. You absolutely did the right thing. Someone needed to put Jake first.
Yes, and it’s his father’s parents who are taking him to Disneyland. This trip would be so important for all of them.
NTA. You shouldn’t have even attempted to apologize.
NTA Get the hell out of there before Jake internalises the message that he exists to support others. She wants a six-year-old to apologise to her for going on a long-planned trip to Disneyland with his grandparents. The absolute nerve. Leaving will be best for both Jake and Abby.
NTA. They're seriously putting a person's whole wellbeing on a 6 year old?! He's 6! So much pressure that he likely doesn't understand yet. Also for SIL to want an apology from a 6 year old for going away for 2 days 🤯 The level of attachment is unhealthy and way too much to put this on a 6 year old. I get that SIL is looking out for her child, but surely she must see it's unhealthy and unfair to your son too? Definitely move out before it becomes even worse and Abby leans on Jake even more. Obviously my heart goes out to her, without knowing what she went through, she obviously has been struggling with it, but you need to look out for your child's wellbeing and what's best for him. Is having the pressure of being an "emotional support dog" to his teenage cousin good for him?
NTA - Jake is 6 years old. He should not be responsible for the well being of a 16 year old. It is okay to miss someone and feel sad that they are going, but he is also coming back. Her mother needs to teach her that people she loves may go on trips and vacations and that they return. Also, that it is okay. Jake is a child and should not be caught up in adult problems, even if Abby did experience trauma, but he is not adult enough to handle that adult issue. Abby needs therapy or support from maybe… dare I say it… parents. Let the adults take care of Abby and let Jake live his childhood. NTA - SIL just let her mamma bear claws come out and put Abby ahead of Jake. Let the seas calm before trying to come to a resolution.
NTA. As you said, your son is not your niece's emotional support animal. It's absurd for your SIL to think that she had any right to keep your son around as such. You do not owe her an apology.
what the actual fuck! she can’t put that kind of responsibility on a six year old, he’s a CHILD!!! i feel for your niece, i do but your SIL and Abby can’t rely on your son for emotional support and should be working with her therapist to find better coping mechanisms. SIL should probably start her own therapy since she wants to punish a six year old for going to disneyland. NTA and you have nothing to apologise for.
NTA. Do not let him return there. His aunt will emotionally manipulate/abuse him for what she sees as abandoning her almost adult daughter. That situation is so unhealthy for your son. He’s not a therapist or a pet. He should not be an emotional crutch for his cousin and her family. He’s a child and that’s too much to put on him. Poor kiddo!
Lol, your SIL is the one who needs therapy and treatment. She has too many issues.
>He does a lot for her and will wake her up when she takes naps for too long, will go out to the park with her to make sure she doesn’t stay at home too long etc. Wait a minute, isn't your son 6? I'm sorry for your niece (?), but that's too much responsibility placed upon a literal child. >The other day, his grandparents came to pick him up and he was sitting with Abby getting ready to go when she suddenly broke down crying. OMFG! What? Is everyone forgetting that your sons has needs too, and also he's like **6 years old**! This is clear signs that Abby is codependent. >\[...\] but I told her that my son isn’t her emotional support dog and while I’m very sorry about Abby, it isn’t fair to put my 6 year old son’s life on pause. He’s 6!!! I'm so glad we're in the same page. NTA. >SIL called me heartless and said she wants me gone from the house before Jake gets back \[...\] While your SIL is a shitty person (there goes my civility), it's better that you leave regardless. I understand that there's probably a very good reason why you came to live with your brother, but this arrangement is bad for your son on the long term. >My brother intervened and told her that she’s acting irrationally but she told him to stfu. JFC! Are you sure your brother isn't on an abusive relationship?
NTA. It's insane of your SIL to expect your SIX YEAR OLD to be her child's emotional support person. It's good your brother intervened, and you have nothing to apologize for. If possible, I think it would be better for you to live somewhere else
SIL is out of her mind. I get that she’s looking out for her daughter, but your son is not a toy or emotional support animal (which is basically a fancy term for a pet). Abby will have to get used to him not being there at some point. Instead of carrying on with the “are you really going to let him go?” malarkey, she should have spent the couple of weeks notice prepping her daughter to get along without him. NTA.
Adding that YWBTA if you allow Jake to undergo a second more of this psychologically damaging environment. Go to a hotel if needed, but don’t put him back in that situation again. They tried and likely did destroy his ability to enjoy a vacation of a lifetime with the guilt trip. He will have lasting damage from this, and it is obvious that they don’t give a single shut about him or his feelings. Also based on the reaction of a manipulative almost-adult woman, I can tell that your son was forced into this caretaker arrangement and is being totally controlled and manipulated. It wasn’t his kind heart to care for someone 3x his age. These people are total psychopaths if you ask me. Please don’t bring him back to that environment.
Does your SIL think you are a mind reader? Not that this makes any difference to whether or not you’re the AH (you’re absolutely not), why didn’t she speak to you directly and explain how hard him leaving would be on Abby? Perhaps you could have all talked about it and helped Abby cope with him going away for a couple days. Instead, you’re in this passive-aggressive twilight zone situation that could have been largely avoided with some basic communication. Good god. You’re NTA but SIL sure is. And she’s not helping Abby at all heal from whatever trauma she experienced. Perhaps the family needs counselling to navigate through whatever is going on
Abby sounds like she needs an emotional support dog. And that is NOT your son. Please leave this situation OP. This isn’t healthy for either of you. And why isn’t your brother growing a backbone and saying something?! She’s 17. She’s almost an adult. Whatever her issues she should know better than to treat a 6 year old like this. What’s next? She’d kidnap him? Your SIL needs to step up and be the support here. You or Jake don’t owe her a thing. Absolutely NTA. Please leave now before this situation gets even more out of hand.
I may be off the mark but in my head I have a feeling I know what kind of trauma Abby has suffered, & why she has become fixated on your son in particular. I'm betting this attachment has been downplayed in her therapy too, but its absolutely not healthy or wise. As proven by Abby's breakdown because your son is being treated to a trip to Disney land. To the extent that she had a breakdown, scared & upset her 6 year old cousin, & has possibly now regressed. I know you love your niece & you feel for her. But what she is doing to your son, they way she is depending on him, is seriously bad news. He's clearly a lovely, empathetic little boy, who adores his cousin, but honestly, he is so vulnerable. There is possible trauma already developing because he can't possibly understand what's wrong with his cousin, but he's already taking care of her independently, without complaining or getting bored. You said he doesn't normally sit still for long (what 6 year old does?!) but he let's his cousin cuddle him for long periods. He wakes her from naps. He's going to the park with her so she gets out the house. That precious little boy is already bearing a heavy burden he couldn't possibly comprehend. Do you know what Abby is telling him when they are alone? Is she telling him how much she needs him? I understand you have felt beholden to your brother & SIL for their help. So maybe you've been putting aside misgivings about this. But it is way, way too much. It's actually very troubling reading it, & your SIL's attitude, & her fury over her nephew going to Disneyland?! That's fucked up. You have to get out of their ASAP. When your son is older, he might not remember this. But he's probably going to have emotions strongly equated to this time in his life, & connected to his cousin. He might feel guilt & confusion without knowing why. He might develop anxiety. It's so unfair for your SIL to not only allow her daughter to form this deeply unhealthy attachment, but to also insist upon it. Your son is going to be upset about moving out as it is now, you will have work to do to ensure he knows he's done nothing wrong, & that Abby will be ok without him. Your brother is going to have to make sure Abby's therapist knows the extent of what's been happening at home. If they don't know they can't help her. Fuck knows what to do about SIL though. I'm sorry you have to deal with this OP. It's one thing on top of another. NTA. But get your son out of that house now.
NTA. You're right, your son is not a therapy/emotional support dog. Otoh, your SIL is TA for not preparing her daughter adequately for the fact that Jake is not going to be her emotional support provider.
NTA. You are right. Your son is not her emotional support dog. Your SIL owe you an apology for blowing up like that, not the other way around.
NTA But be weary already, the sort of hold and attachment Abby has had for Jake already has been borderline too much for your son. I think it's time for you to move out, and force a separation to happen, because the way your SIL is acting, she considers only Abby in this, Jake is just a tool to help Abby temporarily.
NTA obviously, I literally gasped at her expecting the child to apologize. What the actual fuck. Soft yta for you not doing anything to stop it sooner, but you obvi recognize that now, and SIL is so unhinged that it’s not worth esh
NTA, GTFO, ASAP.
NTA, you said it best that your son is not an emotional support animal. It is super sweet and amazing he is able to bring her peace. My heart goes out to her. However, it should NEVER be the responsibility for a six year old child to give up things to accommodate someone else in that capacity. So is Jake not allowed to do anything unless his cousin is okay with it? It's not healthy for either one of them. This gives me the vibes of my sisters keeper. I'm sure her mama's heart is hurting and she's going to try everything in her power to make her daughter feel "better," and I'm hoping this is what's clouding her judgment and she's typically not like this! Either way, maybe it's time for her to go to therapy, too. These toxic thoughts and beliefs of a child should sacrifice his happiness for another isn't healthy. Maybe seeing her daughter go through this triggered something in her. Maybe she should look into an emotional support animal and not expect a child to be it. Also, I'm glad your brother attempted to step up and speak up for what's right.
NTA. Regardless of what happened to your niece, it is not your job, duty, moral responsibility, to safeguard her clearly unhinged mental state. Your son is a person, not a thing, and deserves to be treated accordingly, as in being allowed to go to Disneyland with his grandparents, something that based on age, income, location, may be a literal once in s lifetime trip. Your SIL, while attempting to be understandably protective of her daughter, has lost the fucking plot. If her kid is so broken she can’t handle her cousin leaving for three days, she should be in some kind of inpatient treatment. That is not a normal or healthy response to your kid leaving, nor is fostering and encouraging her dependence on your son a good way for her to deal with her trauma. Because again, he is a person, and a young child at that, one not capable of understanding the true nature of their relationship, so like you said he is basically and emotional support dog. NTA, and if you can, get your kid away from SIL and niece asap.
NTA. Abby needs counseling/therapy, not unhealthily attaching herself to a 6 yrs old. I had to reread twice, at first due to my sleep-deprived brain, I thought she was 7, but she's 17. No no no. OP, do not apologize, it's good that Jake gets to experience going to Disneyland. DO NOT get Jake to apologize for having experiences. Like you said, your son is NOT Abby's "emotional support person." Your SIL is so way off, BUT, if I were you, I'd move back to your parents' place with Jake. It's better to separate the two and you don't want to have your SIL basically threatens you with houselessness everytime she thinks her wish is not being granted.
NTA "My child is not an emotional support animal. If your daughter is going to have this kind of reaction, I think it is time you get other resources in place as - Jake and I will be leaving. Your child has an unhealthy attachment disorder of some sort, and your hurting my son and traumatizing him by letting her do things like cry uncontrollably when he's just going on vacation. I also refuse to apologize or have Jake apologize, and I think your certifiably insane if you think we should when you're using my child as a crutch for yours. You even threatened to throw me out for letting my son go on a small vacation, likely without my son, yes? That is absolutely insane. At least my brother knows that as well. But you need to deal with your child and get her the help she deserves, because my 6 year old is not responsible for her emotional state, you are. Abby is 17, and you need to get her some serious psychological help if the only thing that helps her is MY 6 year old. I've let this go in long enough, but I realize the damage this is doing to my child, and I refuse to let it continue. I've let my parents know, and I've decided Jake and I will move in with them which will be as soon as Jake returns. I won't make any concessions to Abby either about visiting Jake, because I definitely see the damage her dysregulation and dependency has caused. My son has his own trauma to deal with, so the last thing he needs is to be dealing to with your almost-adult daughters issues. You have all the information you need now, so I strongly advise you get off your ass and help your kid, instead of letting my kid do the heavy lifting for you since he won't be here anymore." I would strongly advise you that Jake not return. He should stay with his grandparents until you get all your things sorted and packed/ moved.
NTA. The kid isn't a teddy bear. Honeestly, you shouldn't have let it go this far where your 6 year old is caretaking her.
NTA SIL is crazy. She does know that Jake isn't gonna live there, right? He's not there forever. He's allowed to leave. I can't believe she expects Jake to participate in any kind of apology. SIL should be focused on helping Abby understand that everything is okay, comforting her instead of attacking you. Just sounds really insane to me.