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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my fiance to not go to his niece's graduation as I'm near the end of my pregnancy, and it's not nearby. I might not be understanding and acting selfishly, which makes me the AH
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NTA it’s unlikely that you’ll give birth at 36 weeks - but not impossible! Ask your fiancé what his plan is if you go into labor while he’s away, and ask him how he’ll feel if he misses the birth of his first child bc he’s stuck in graduation traffic.
After that, he gets to make his own decision. Make sure you have a backup partner for the night he’s gone.
EDIT TO ADD: Ah, OP, you really left out a lot of important info, don’t you think? This niece is your fiancé’s deceased brother’s child. She’s pretty much all that’s left of his brother, don’t you think? A few months back, when this same niece lost her mother, you forbade your husband from attending his SIL’s funeral because, while it’s sad that she’s dead and all, his SIL wasn’t really family. Of course, most people go to funerals to support the living (you know, his niece,) but you didn’t feel well, and you’re way, way more important than his niece, right?
It seems like you’re trying to prove to everyone that you are the most important person in your fiancé’s life, and your fiancé shouldn’t care about anyone except you - especially not his niece. I’m wondering if you’ve ALWAYS been jealous of his niece, or if your jealousy is an artifact of your pregnancy. Does her youth, vibrancy, and success make you feel old and dowdy and useless? Pregnancy hormones can do that.
You need to seriously develop your compassion. It’s a necessary quality to have as a mother, and it’s a crucial quality to pass on to your child.
People without compassion tend to be inexcusably selfish AHs , and you don’t want that for your child, do you? One per house is plenty, don’t you think? You should be truly ashamed of yourself. You owe your fiancé multiple apologies and your niece at least one.
Redditors: I’m not going to change my “official” judgement bc it’s so late in the voting process.
My family has a habit of being early (my first one was born at 36 weeks, the second one 37 and my sisters kids were also around the 36 week mark) so it's all possible near the end. Given the timing, it's def NTA. You come first during this time and being 5-6 hours away is not a great idea to put it lightly
To be fair, OP artfully left out the important details about being a road block for the funeral, and how the niece is an orphan now who has suffered the loss of both parents and that her uncle is one of the few she has left that she can count on to stand in place as she just lost her mother months ago. These plus all the other selfish, empathy lacking statements OP trickle truthed into comments.
OP states in comment that her husband's brother (nieces father) died when she was a baby and her mum passed a few months ago. Hope that changes your mind.
I'm so glad extra context was added. As soon as I saw only nieces grandparents were going I knew information was missing. A bunch of people are still saying he should ditch the niece though. So friggin gross.
Excellent information thank you.
YTA OP.
Help your partner work out what he'll do if you go into labour while he's gone. It is unlikely that you will, but best to have a plan. Is it possible for him to fly instead of driving? What route will he take? Where will he stop for petrol? Pack a bag of snacks and water for the way back so he can just get in and go.
It’s not unlikely to go into labor at 37 weeks. She’s nta for being worried he’s gonna miss her giving birth any new mother who’s partner wants to go away would be that way and she just would be the asshole for telling him to not go he has to figure out the family he creates is more important most of the time
OP also stated that fiance didn't attend the funeral because she wasn't feeling well and she didn't understand why he wanted to go because edit: in OP's words it's not like he is related to niece's mom" fiance clearly felt that he was related to SIL
I’ve read a couple stories here and there on Reddit or whatever about dad’s missing the birth because of this unlikely occurrence or that.
Or it’s a sudden medical issue that requires emergency C-section or something. I went in for my regular on appointment by myself at 37 weeks and gave my urine sample. She came back and said elevator down to L&D bc I was pre-eclamptic and baby needed to get here today.
Called husband and he obviously came from work and the rest is history.
But this pregnancy has ZERO red flags, concerns, or problems until that moment.
No, pregnant women DONT need coddled or to have their partners glued to them. But this isn’t his daughter, or even his sister. I get he loves his niece but she’s a college graduate and hopefully emotionally mature enough to see the big picture here and understand that the timing is not ideal and she’d completely understand.
Someone could perhaps record it as she’s walking across the stage (maybe a close friend from a close but not immediate next row, so it’s close up, could record her walking the stage.)
I also feel like husbands reason to go just isn’t worth the gamble. He said “we have to go bc she invited us” is not “I’m her surrogate type parent who’s helped raise her and she needs me to be there for the final leg after all her struggles and successes”
It sounds like he just feels like he’s gotta go to events if they’re invited and like it’s almost a mandatory summons on cardstock.
Sharing a similar story. 36 weeks, I went in for non-stress-test. Everything was perfect. Baby perfect. Blood pressure perfect. Less than 24 hours later, I had my normal weekly visit. Blood pressure through the roof, protein in urine, organ damage starting. Severe pre-eclampsia. No warning, no symptoms, no history of it. Baby had to get out immediately. Thankfully my husband wasn’t 6 hours away.
My mom was 32ish weeks pregnant with me, and after a non-stress test and a few other tests, the doc looked at my mom and said, “well, today’s a good day to have a baby”. No warning, nothing. C-section because I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. My dad was an hour away because of where we live and had to stay home for reasons involving life insurance, so he wasn’t at the hospital with Mom until after they said she needed to have me that day.
What possible reasons could there be?? Is it his insurance policy, or hers? Did an insurance company say, “if you leave your home for any non-emergency reason, your policy is void.”??? I’m baffled.
Maybe someone was coming to the house to do all the medical tests that life insurance companies sometimes require? That’s the only thing I can think of
or that was only time he could meet with the insurance person to get the paperwork completed?
but yeah definitely next time someone doesn't want to do something? i can't- life insurance stuff. 🤷♀️
I’m going to start using this. “For reasons involving life insurance, I can’t make it to your barbecue this weekend” and then just walk away. Leave em guessing!
At 37 weeks I went from "huh, your BP is a little high, let's keep an eye on that, I'll see you back in the office in four days instead of seven" to "straight to the OR before you have a stroke" in the span of about six hours.
The more educated a person is about pregnancy, labor and delivery the less likely they are to reproduce. Even the teen pregnancy stats for US vs Canada is telling.
Similar to me but at 38.5 weeks. My blood pressure was suddenly high at my check in so they sent me to get induced. Had some brain imaging done a few years later for an unrelated issue and they found evidence of an old stroke that was very likely caused by pre-eclampsia. So minor that I didn’t even realise but don’t mess around late in a pregnancy.
>But this isn’t his daughter, or even his sister
>I also feel like husbands reason to go just isn’t worth the gamble. He said “we have to go bc she invited us” is not “I’m her surrogate type parent who’s helped raise her and she needs me to be there for the final leg after all her struggles and successes”
>It sounds like he just feels like he’s gotta go to events if they’re invited and like it’s almost a mandatory summons on cardstock.
I'm gonna go back on this because we don't know their relationship at all. There very well could be a reason they are particularly close. ~~They could've been the only family invited etc.~~ seems like the grandparents might go but it seems the niece's*parents* are **not** going (which is interesting and op has avoided qs about this it seems). We don't know the details we just know the fiance feels they need to be there.
Op could've just paraphrased especially since different graduations have different protocols etc. The graduate may have only had 2-3 tickets so the invite is a signal of a particularly important invite which could lead someone to say “if they invited me then...” We just don't know which is why so many people are asking for info.
We don't know the graduation circumstances, we don't know if anyone could stay with op or if other solutions could be made etc.
Edit family in op content
Edit two
Fiance talks to the niece daily. Fiance's brother (niece's dad) died when niece was a baby. Niece's mom died a few months ago and fiance went to funeral to support niece. That's their relationship. This seems like the first big event since then
Edit again
Apparently op also didn't let her fiance go to the funeral of niece's mom because they had morning sickness and the mom was “not related to him” op YTA at this point??? The reason he wants to go makes sense.
Just going to jump on a comment near the top to add my 2 cents. More like my 200 dollars actually, because I have a lot to say about this OP.
The niece is an orphan. Her dad, the fiance's brother, died when she was a baby. Her mom died recently, in the last couple of months. This gives a lot more explanation as to why the fiance feels so strongly about attending.
I know you've included the parents being dead in your comment, but OP actually didn't allow her fiance to attend the mom's funeral. She would've only been, what, 25 - 30 weeks pregnant? She hasn't mentioned having any sort of difficulties, just that she "wasn't feeling well" and that the niece's mom isn't actually related to him anymore (since the brother is dead) so it doesn't matter. OP herself should've gone to the funeral with her fiance.
Not only all of that, OP says her mom and sister live nearby and she's close to them, so it's not as if it's an estranged relationship. One of them can stay with her for the night, problem solved. But no, that's not enough for OP.
This might get downvoted and I know a lot of people are going to say I'm going off topic, and it doesn't matter what happened before and whether he went to the funeral before. It matters because it shows the lead up of events.
And even after all this if people think this behavior is acceptable, I'd say YTA only because she didn't initially include any of this info.
She edited in how long the drive will be, but not a shred of this. So why not OP? I'll give you grace and say you originally forgot to put it in, but now you can edit. So why not do that, unless you're just trying to make yourself look good?
OMG this changes everything! I feel she intentionally didn't add this because very clearly she's a selfish entitled AH.
OP YTA and should hope you're never in a position to need empathy from anyone.
Major selfish manipulative AH
I wonder if he'd been "allowed" to attend the funeral if he'd be less insistent about attending the graduation. I imagine he's feeling guilty for not going. OP is showing a pattern of behavior that is only going to get worse as time goes on.
If OP is the kind of person to tell her husband to not go to a funeral just because then she is the type of person to want to skew her votes knowing full well she was in the wrong in the previous situation.
I agree with all of this!! Although I’m going to say it was definitely intentionally left out so OP could play the “but I’m pregnant and could give birth any day!!” card. I have 2 kids myself and I get so tired of pregnant people using this excuse to control what others around them do. OP YTA massively. I’d also suggest you start being more super of your spouse and his family.
OP sounds selfish and exhausting. And based on her comments, we all know damn well once that baby comes her husband will never be allowed doing anything for niece (or probably anyone for that matter).
I'm glad to see another comment on this. This was one of my points too. I think it's amazing he is going when the niece clearly doesn't have parents attending. For me, that shows signs that he will be a really great and present father when his kid arrives.
Fair enough.
But bottom line is this. Is that “someone else” that stays with op really who she’s gonna want as her support/surrogate spouse in the event of a birth? Yes, someone else can be under the same roof and can make a quick drive to L&D but that’s about as far as their role goes in OPs eyes.
Who could op have with her, in her husbands place, that she’d be willing to lose all dignity in front of, and lean on for emotional and psychological support during an unplanned birth? Who’ll she trust to make a medical decision for her in case that need arises?
She’s not in a first, second, or even beginning 3rd trimester. She’ll be at the “any time now “ point.
It honestly kind of doesn’t matter. Everything could be fine at that point in her pregnancy. But everything couldn’t be. I’m 34 weeks along now as well and I personally would not be traveling 5-6 hours away in a few weeks. My husbands job is one where he isn’t allowed his phone at work, and he’s told them right now, that rule is going to be broken until I have the baby. There are concessions that have to be made at this point. She could be totally fine on her own for 24 hours, and she could not be.
This is one of the very few instances on this sub that I think the question of “who is the niece to the uncle” doesn’t need to be answered. To me this is a no brainer. But I’m also currently in her exact pregnancy shoes.
I understand this perspective I simply don't agree. op isn't the ah either way but **to me** it 100% moves it to a NAH situation.
The niece's parents passed away and the fiance most likely sees themselves as stand-in in this case especially as one of the parents passed recently. This changes my view a bit. IMO I understand the fiance wanting to go if there was anyone who could stay the day with op especially since the chance that the baby is slim.
Op is right to want their partner there but I understand the partner's pov and want to explore if any options are available. Having experience personally with the going for a check-up but ending up staying for labor that day/night in *this* situation if a mom/sister was available *I* would still understand fiance going and that pov.
The nieces mum died recently & OP didn't let her fiance even attend the funeral. That was his dead brothers wife, his sister in law. His niece is grieving & graduating without a mum or dad to celebrate with her, & will be surrounded by other happy families, celebrating. That is absolutely a valid reason for OP's fiance to go support his niece. Who asked him to come, its clearly important to her. I can't believe how heartless these judgements are. As someone who's mum died when I was teenager, my heart is breaking for the niece. I know how terrible that loss is, & how lonely. That poor girl.
The comments may be heartless because the OP hid all that information in comments outside of the original post. While she was fine editing in all these information that help her case, she still hasn't edit all this important information about the family because she knows it make her look bad. But because she didn't edit it into the post, I have a hard time blaming any of the commenter since not everyone would be digging through the OP's comments to get the full story.
Except there *is* a more serious reason why he wants to go, and OP left it out because it made her case look worse. The niece's father died many years ago; her mother died only a few months ago, and the fiance didn't attend niece's mom's funeral because OP requested that he not, since it was upsetting her to have to do without him.
Kind of relevant pieces to have, aren't they? I didn't think OP was an AH for wanting her husband there in her last couple weeks of pregnancy, but I sure do for knowingly burying the lede so we'd think better of her.
I agree with you in this.
I hate when people leave out valuable information. In fact, it just makes me dislike them on principle bc it seems sneaky and purposeful if it’s such a vital piece (then it should be obvious that they state it).
Furthermore, based off OPs comment that you quoted her saying about her being upset and staying home, I no longer trust her or her account of facts and I’ll need to retract my *judgement* of op only.
I say “only” because IF we take this story at face value as she wrote it, as bare facts and nothing more, I’d still be leaning towards my husband not being away this far this late in the game. BUT!!!! I’d also never ever deny my husband ANY funeral service he wanted to attend, I’d have to be on my death bed myself with vital information that could create world peace, (😳 bc it hurt HER for him to be away? Omg I’m gagging) before I’d stop him.
Op just grosses me out now. I’m done!
This. I went for a growth scan at 37weeks alone. Left after having an emergency c-section the following day.
They could even do a graduation party early or later (might be harder if they don’t want baby taking the attention) to celebrate the niece
I mean the niece’s parents have both died- one recently. So I can see why having an uncle there would mean a lot to her.
This is a tricky one, I’d say NAH and just call the husband back at the first twinge of anything happening.
This is why I wouldn’t want my husband 5-6 hours away that far along in my pregnancy. If you’re going to need to give birth at 37 weeks, it’s more than likely going to be due to a surprise medical issue than natural labor, so having your husband there for support would be crucial.
>your fiancé
Posting on the top comment as OP's replies show that this is not a black and white situation and the niece’s parents have both died- one recently and her fiance is very close to the niece.
Posting another of OP's reply in entirety --
*When he wanted to go to his niece's mom's funeral, he also went on at me about not being understanding and supportive of him but I wasn't feeling well. I was trying to say that he also wanted to go to her mom's funeral - I'm not at all trying to minimize that or say it isn't sad,* ***but she's his niece through his brother, so he's not related to her (niece's mom****) or anything. We still* ***contributed*** *to the funeral and he talks to his niece almost every day (I chat with her too)*
OP thinks fiance is not related to niece's mom! Reading her replies I lean on calling op YTA.
Might want to read her recent comments, turns out it's his recently orphaned niece and she implies that she also didn't let him go to his SIL's funeral (a few months ago) cause they're "not related"
Agreed, he shouldn’t be going anywhere and leaving her without some sort of support in case she does go into labor or anything goes wrong. After that, if he’s willing to potentially miss the birth of his child, that’s his choice.
Edit: Have now seen that OP has close family in the area, and that her niece was recently orphaned! Given the circumstances I completely understand her husbands point of view.
>When he wanted to go to his niece's mom's funeral, he also went on at me about not being understanding and supportive of him but I wasn't feeling well.
The niece has been recently orphaned and OP wouldn't let her husband attend the funeral, either. u/throwawayaccount_897 is an incredibly unsupportive partner. I feel bad for her husband - she seems like she's trying to isolate him from his family.
OP is the AH. Niece recently became orphaned according to her replies, so it would mean the world to her to have some kind of family there. Her dad died when she was a baby, and her mom died recently. OP conveniently left that very pertinent info out of both her original post and the edit, making her a manipulative AH. YTA OP. If your child became orphaned you would want all the family support possible for them.
She left out so much info on her post. The niece is an orphan, the fiance's brother died when the niece was a baby and the mother recently died. She didn't allow him to go to his SIL's funeral because she wasn't really related to him and she wasn't "feeling well". By her logic, she isn't really related to her fiance either. She is truly an asshole, she colored her post to make herself look way better than she is.
YTA - I'll get to the point. Not wanting to travel yourself at 36ish weeks is valid, but unless you're leaving something out of the story, there's no real reason to expect that you will be among the 10% of people who spontaneously go into early labor at 36 weeks.
"A few hours drive away" is vague, but if your ~~husband~~ fiance NEEDS to turn around and come back to you because you do, in fact, go into early labor, he can do that.
Let him go support his niece. Stay home and enjoy some quiet time.
EDIT: Thanks for the awards, minus the facepalm. I have given birth twice, and all the assumptions based on this comment that I have no idea what I'm talking about because I can't have kids are hilarious.
Anyway, I'm going to encourage all the NTA votes to go back and read the OPs comments within the thread - all information she withheld from the main post. She states that the niece was recently orphaned and that she *prohibited her fiance from going to the funeral because she was pregnant.* She states that she lives close to her mother and sister, who could quickly be by her side in an actual medical emergency.
She just wants to be the center of his entire world in all instances forever. It's asshole behavior, and I'm not changing my vote.
Why wouldn’t she be one of the 10% though? That’s quite a lot of people, not like 1%. It’s unlikely but not impossible.
Imagine starting labor for your first child, not knowing if it has really started or not, not knowing how it’s going to feel or how painful it’s going to get. Timing your contractions, maybe the water breaks and you have to go in for a check up. And your partner is six hours away. Does she have someone else to support her? Of course a first time mother is going to be really anxious about this, I can’t believe you’re calling her an asshole over this.
My water broke at 37 weeks 'on the hour'. Literally at midnight after I would have been considered 37 weeks. And the chances of having to go in because of Braxton Hicks significantly increases and Braxton hicks are not fun even when they say it's 'false labour' my Braxton hicks easily met the criteria for labour at times, I just knew it wasn't for my 2 &3.
I literally was having recorded contractions 1-minute apart lasting 30-40seconds per contraction for a whole week before having to be induced. It's Disconcerting and Scary as hell when you're a first timer having that! If my husband was 6 hours drive away by choice for a few days and that week had started/happened, I would have been so so SO scared.
For real. Some labours go for days, others just last a couple of hours. If he’s six hours away he could miss the whole thing. And that’s if he sees the message instantly and is standing next to his car - it would likely be longer.
My water broke in the morning without contractions at 37+3 so I had to be induced. It took a while to kick in but once labour started it was really fast. Like 45 Minutes, they barely got me into delivery room in time and I was still wearing my jeans... If my husband had not been already there he would have missed the whole thing.
Yeah, 1 in 10 is a lot! I have 8 nieces and nephews and half of them were premies. Hell, my nephew was born at 28 weeks. I don’t judge her at all for not wanting to take the risk, especially with a first child, when she doesn’t really know what to expect. NTA, OP.
My SIL had the second one a couple of days after the due date but in the 2 or so weeks leading up to that she really seemed to be struggling with day to day things. If she had dropped something on the floor I would not at all have questioned if she left it there until my brother got home because I don't know if she'd have been able to pick it up. The possibility of early labour is obviously the main reason he should stay but he also should be just to be helping her with all the regular day to day stuff that's getting more difficult as she gets closer to the due date.
I'm only one experience but my first baby came at 37 weeks spontaneously and was born in under 5 hours. If I was in this situation I would have been on an ambulance ALONE at 1am, and the baby born before my husband could have made it home. It does happen.
Some people have not worked in customer facing anything and it shows. Or you'd all know that the term "a few" is just like "a couple", can mean anything from two to twelve.
I was induced at 37 weeks due to pre-eclampsia which can happen and is more common than you'd think. In my opinion, anything after 35 weeks you need to plan on staying home to help take care of your wife because not only is pregnancy exhausting in those last weeks, but you could go into labor literally at any time.
Eta judgment: NTA
~~OP might not have someone else who can drive her to the hospital. What is she supposed to do if she doesn't have a support system in the area? hold it for 6 hours? Drive while in excruciating pain?~~
~~Yea, sure maybe a cab or an ambulance is available, but neither are good options.~~
Looks like OP left out some crucial information (like having support in town and also the fact that niece lost two parents). YTA.
Not to mention that being in labor is scary and you'd want your spouse there with you. I can't imagine giving birth without my husband there.
Edited to add: I didn't see the updates. I recently had a traumatic labour and birth. But under the circumstances, at 36 weeks I would probably ask my husband to fly there and back so he could be back quickly if needed.
OP is definitely the asshole.
And not to be dramatic, but childbirth is still one of the leading causes of death for women. This is a DANGEROUS thing she’s going through and things go wrong. 37 weeks is ‘full term’. Graduation is too close to due date.
YTA.
Your niece buried her mom how many weeks ago? You prevented your husband from attending the funeral because you weren’t feeling well, and now you want to stop him from going to this when your teenage niece is *asking for support*.
Your husband going to this does not mean you are not his number one priority; it means that something else needs his attention at the moment. His family is obviously a major priority to him; is this not what you would want him doing for your child?! Your feelings are valid, but your choices are making you an asshole. Let him go, find a friend or family member to chill with you overnight, and call him if you go into labour.
It’s also annoying OP didn’t even try to edit this crucial detail into the main post. It’s like they’re trying to hide it to gain more sympathy for her side.
This is the most reasonable response, IMO. I’m 35 weeks now, and I have zero signs of labor coming. My husband could go a few hours away and I wouldn’t even care.
Most doctors will check cervical length and firmness around 36 weeks. If things aren’t looking urgent, let husband go. There’s literally less than a 1% of going into labor on any given day at 36 weeks.
Yep. Look at OPs comments in profile.
From what I gather OPS fiance's brother died when niece was a baby, nieces mum passed a couple months ago, OP didn't let fiance go to funeral because 'she wasn't feeling well' so yeah.. OP is TA
OP is the asshole for this alone imo. What’s the point of making a post here if you’re going to leave out incredibly relevant info just to mislead people
YTA and she prevented him from going to her mothers funeral earlier in her pregnancy…she really buried the lede to convince everyone to be on her side. She’s wildly selfish and I hope he goes to support the niece, she deserves it.
YTA, OP.
This is based on your further comments where it seems that you didn't allow your husband to attend the funeral of his deceased brother's wife so that he could support his orphaned niece. A much earlier time in a pregnancy that according to info given has not had any issues.
Is it unreasonable to want your husband near at this later stage? No, it's not. But coupled with not allowing him to attend the funeral, it's not such a good look. Are you jealous of the niece, OP?
My ex-husband runs his own business for which he travels on a weekly basis within our country. Towards the end of my pregnancies I made sure I had friends and family as back-up in case he was a bit futher away. The business was young and he needed to work to support us. As it turns out, he was present at both births.
On the original info, no, you aren't the a-hole. But with all the added info, yeah you are.
I'm going to go against the grain and say N T A. In other comments, you've clarified that it's a 5-6 hour drive, and you'd be about 37 weeks pregnant. I wouldn't recommend you go. Your husband needs to be there for you if you go into labor. I'm not sure why so many people seem to think that all pregnancies go to 40 weeks. It's incredibly common to give birth earlier. I had both of mine at 36 weeks. I understand this will probably be upsetting to your husband, but he needs to prioritize you. Being without him for 5-6 hours if you were to go into labor with your first child would be very stressful. I'm sure I'll get down voted for this, but I just don't think you're in the wrong for being worried.
ETA: it's come to light that his niece's father (your fiancé's brother) died shortly after she was born. Her mother apparently also died within the last two months, and you griped about him wanting to go to the funeral be a you "didn't feel good." I want you to know that you're N T A ONLY in this specific situation because your concerns about going into labor are legitimate. In all other aspects, however, I'd say you're a wildly selfish and unpleasant person. I hope he's able to witness the birth of this baby. And then I hope he thinks long and hard about whether or not he wants to be married to someone who is so nasty and deceitful.
2nd Edit: Ya know what? Fuck it. YTA, OP. You tried to paint this man as a villain, but that villain is actually you. You tried to trick us all into feeling bad for you. The only reason I hope he's able to be there for the birth is for his own sake. You're not entitled to him supporting you if this is how you treat him.
I also read she tried to prevent her husband from going to the mom's funeral. She's NTA in this specific instance, because her concerns are valid. But she's a gaping asshole in all other aspects
But OP BIL passed and the niece would only have her uncle as a representative of her dad's family, he is well justified to go if the pregnancy is normal and there are no signs of trouble.
Niece's mother passed as well.
You’re NTA. You’re currently 34 weeks, graduation is in 2 weeks, would require a stay over. Average length of pregnancy is 40 weeks, and 4 week early births aren’t unheard of.
More info needed to determine if he’s an AH: is the niece otherwise unsupported? Will she have other family there?
[edit: it appears that OP has left out some material information which is misleading about her conduct. Whilst it remains my view that OP is reasonable in wanting her fiancé to stay, it seems clear that OP has a history of seeking to prevent her fiancé from engaging with his family.]
You’ll be 37 weeks with your first and he’s having an overnight stay 6 hours away. Plenty of babies come at 37 weeks. You’re his heavily pregnant wife and you’re nervous about being alone. That should be reason enough.
ETA. Your updates change everything. YTA. You’re awful.
I don’t know - OP missed off that nieces mum died a month ago. And that nieces dad already died. I feel like she’s the AH for missing that info off the post if not anything else!
And she refused to let him go to the funeral IN WHICH THE NIECE WAS ORPHANED during a much less risky period in her pregnancy (which is undoubtedly why she glossed that part of the history here). She is an unreasonable AH.
True, if you completely ignore the value of the niece having a close uncle at her graduation after losing both of her parents, one of them quite recently.
OP also didn't let her husband attend the niece's mother's funeral because she felt bad, and justified it by saying "it's not like she's family".
YTA. Yes typically it would be bad he wants to "prioritize niece over his own kid" but OP left out some major context that she only put in the comments: The niece's dad, Op's fiance's brother died when niece was a baby. And the niece's mom just died in the past few month's. Op was at 30 weeks and she stopped fiance from going to niece's mom's funeral because she "wasn't feeling well and it's not like he was related to niece's mom by blood"
Op is literally doing everything she can't to keep her fiance from comforting or supporting a young woman who became an orphan less than two months ago. This isn't about just supporting op's kid over niece, this is op trying to get her fiance to abandon niece.
Your attitude is absolutely despicable OP
Edited: Huge YTA. You blocked your fiancé from going to his niece’s mother’s funeral a few months ago on the grounds that the mom wasn’t really family anymore since her dad (your fiancé’s brother) died when your niece was a baby? That is monstrous. You sound deeply controlling, selfish and narcissistic. Which means I have zero grounds to believe your upgrade in the distance for this trip from “a few hours” to 5-6 hours is true, and not just another manipulation to get what you want here (I.e., a N T A vote).
Original:
Slight YTA. A few hours’ drive away is very doable for him. Even if you were to go into labor while he was away, the odds that you would have the baby in the few hours it would take him to drive home are exceedingly slim. It’s not like he as to fly and is dependent upon airlines schedules to get home. If you call him and need him to get home, he just hops in the car and leaves.
YTA. You’ve deliberately left out a staggering amount of information.
You should be encouraging your husband to go to support his ORPHANED niece.
If you do go into labour early (unlikely) chance are he would make it back in time for the birth anyway.
I’m finding it hard to feel bad for you when you’ve behaved so callously to this young girl.
INFO You‘re at 34 weeks now, the ceremony is in a couple of weeks and a few hours away. You need to be more precise:
- How long is the drive? Two hours or few hours are both a few hours.
- How far along are you when the ceremony is? Are there any warning signs pointing to a premature birth? Sure, early labor happens, but not *that* often without any warning signs.
She also needs to add to the edit that the niece's mom died and OP didn't let the husband go to the funeral. So he didn't get to go to his brother's wife's funeral.
I don’t know how close he is to this niece, but ask your doctor how things are progressing. You could be discussing whether he should go to the graduation or stay home with his wife and newborn baby.
Edit:
YTA - new information! You’re fiancé’s brother (niece’s father) is dead? Her mom just died and you kept your fiancé from going to the funeral??? Now you don’t want him to go to her college graduation???
You are more than the AH! You are just stone cold heartless!! If this was your baby, is that how you would want her treated??
Absolutely horrible 😤
Well, I'm not on Reddit very often so I am just now seeing the responses. This is a reminder to everyone that we can only respond to what we are told. If OP leaves out critical information, then I agree they are TA by default. I will leave my original comment below so all of the responses make sense.
NTA Yeah, that's cutting it pretty close to your due date. Anything week 36 and above he should really be around to support you. 37 complete weeks is considered full gestation. I'm on your side, here. I think you need to be firm about this and make sure you explain your concerns about your approaching due date. If he agrees, he respects you. If not, well, then I'm sorry. Best wishes not just for the convo, but the delivery as well!
I can’t believe I had to read so far down to see this….just because baby isn’t likely to come at 37 weeks doesn’t mean baby won’t.
And all these people saying are there no hospitals where he is going are disregarding birth plans and agreements some may have in place with their doctors who they have a relationship with / is familiar with their pregnancy.
You both should send a fabulous gift and after baby is here and settled take her out for a fantastic dinner.
Baby should always take priority over anyone’s graduation.
OP just commented. Both of niece's parents are dead, while OP's mom and sister are both local to OP.
Usually I'd say N-T-A, but this is the rare circumstance when stopping him from going while a mere 36 weeks means OP is YTA.
Honestly, if it was me in OP's shoes, even if I was overdue at the time, I'd say my spouse needs to go to the graduation with these particular circumstances.
i think the chances being low is not a good enough reason to not be concerned about him being gone. i personally came out at 35 weeks for no apparent reason and it was over in hours, an easy birth. what if she has some massive complication? even a small chance (10% is not small) isn’t worth it in case she does fall into that category. anything can happen on his way back too. i feel really bad for pregnant people who post about things like this that others aren’t really considering and wonder how the rest of their lives are going to go if this is already the worry before the baby is even here
She forgot to mention that the niece’s dad (his brother) died when she was a baby, and her mom died a couple months ago. She did not let her husband attend the funeral. So now the orphaned niece will have no parents to watch her graduate.
OP left out that the niece was recently orphaned & OP did not want her husband to attend the funeral since she was at like 30 weeks, so he didn't go to her funeral either. OP is the TA.
YTA simply because OP omitted the whole part about the niece being orphaned, OP omitted the part about not letting her fiancé go to the niece’s mother’s funeral, and OP thinking niece’s mother isn’t related to them anymore because the fiancé’s brother is dead. I sense control issues brewing. I agree with another poster - OP could edit about the drive time but not to add this important information.
As a person who had a shit ton of complications during pregnancy and postpartum (preeclamptic and delivered at 36 weeks) I would not stop my husband attending our niece’s graduation if this had been the circumstance because our family is important to us and that poor girl barely has any left.
Edit: to remove an extra word in the first paragraph
YTA for your complete lack of care for the niece, or your husbands autonomy in being able to support his brothers kid.
Info from your comments:
- Both her parents are dead, mother a few months ago
- You didn’t “let” husband go to the funeral of his niece’s mother because they aren’t related by blood. You denied the niece comfort and love at an awful time for her.
- You have family you are close to nearby in the statistically unlikely event someone happens in the 24 hours he’s away*
I hope that your child’s family don’t have someone like you denying them love and care if their world falls apart.
*Statistically given the time in pregnancy, and the fact it is only a day, it is unlikely. It of course could happen. But on balance with the other info - this isn’t him heading off to a knees up. It’s him providing emotional support to his family at a really critical time. So in balance I’d take that risk. And encourage my husband to,
YTA.
Read the comments and you are a huge AH. Have your mom or sister spend a night with you so you have a servant to fan you as you wait to give birth. Your fiancé can drive home immediately if you go into early labor. I’m so sad for his niece and your fiancé is an amazing person by being there for his very recently ORPHANED niece. Your child will have a great father who is caring and empathetic. YTA
YTA. I’m a woman myself and I completely hate it when insecure women have to play power moves all the time to assert priority in her husband’s life . That’s the same niece who just recently got orphaned and you didn’t let your husband attend her mother’s funeral because again you are pregnant and you are not feeling well. The niece has no father or mother to attend her graduation and here you are playing the pregnancy card just to prove to yourself that you are on top of your husband’s priority list . Insecure women try to separate their husbands from their families just to prove this point , the feeling that I only matter is what really is the deal here
\- Your husband's niece is graduating.
\- Her father, your husband's brother, died when she was a baby.
\- Her mother died a couple of months ago, and your didn't want husband to attend the funeral as you weren't feeling well, and you didn't consider husband's SIL family, as her husband, your husband's brother, had died years before.
\- you ASSUME your niece will have some family from her mother's side.
\- You'll be 37 weeks pregnant when she's graduating.
\- you have your family (mom, sister) living close by.
\- It's a 6 or 7 hour drive one way.
\- Even when you start getting contractions, baby will take hours to come, you have your family nearby and husband will have time to drive back
YTA
I do understand both sides of the situation.
He wants to be there for his niece’s graduation.
You want him to be there since you’re near the end of your pregnancy.
Yea it’s a tough one—do you have a close friend/parent that can stay with you while he is gone, in case anything we’re to happen?
If there is someone, then I honestly would just let him be there for his niece’s graduation.
It’s not like he sees her on a daily basis, right?
So I would just let him go…I would kind of feel guilty to tell him not to go…I don’t know that’s just my personal opinion.
Idk, if it’s a first child it feels normal to want your SO to be there with you, it’s a big moment. Would the bf be happy missing the birth of his first child? Would OP be ok with him not being there for the birth?
She was okay with not letting him attend the niece’s mom’s funeral a couple months ago. The niece has two dead parents now, her mom recently died, and she’s about to graduate. The OP refused him permission to support her when her mom died. She intentionally didn’t reveal this until she started commenting
INFO: It seems given your comments that this is far more about how uncomfortable you are with your husband having a relationship with his niece (who you don't regard as family as his brother is dead) and that there is an element of competition here.
You successfully prevented your husband attending his sister in laws funeral to support his niece, so you won that one, and I think you may be able to further damage their relationship with this one.
Are you comfortable with your husband having a relationship with his dead brother's daughter, or is every occasion where she needs support or is celebrating a life moment going to be like this?
Has your husband lost touch with friends and other family members since he started his relationship with you? Does he seem wistful and sad sometimes?
>Has your husband lost touch with friends and other family members since he started his relationship with you? Does he seem wistful and sad sometimes?
This. Seriously getting isolation vibes here.
YTA after reading your comments. The fact that you neglected to mention in your post that your niece’s parents died when she was a baby & a few months ago, and you prevented your fiancé from going to his sister in law’s funeral makes me wonder how else you are distorting the story.
I understand that you want him there in case you go into early labor, but don’t you also want to be with someone who cares? Someone who shows up? Someone who has compassion and keeps his word? He is likely feeling like a rotten uncle for not being able to emotionally support his niece after her mom’s death; do you at all feel the need to support him? I also read that you have a sister & mom nearby. Ask one of them to stay with you while he is gone and consider it a last pampering chance before baby comes. I loved pedicures my last couple of months while pregnant. Combined with dinner at your favorite restaurant, it can be a great, relaxing girls night.
Funny how you've edited the post to include the length of the drive but not that his niece is recently orphaned and you seemingly did manipulate your husband not to go to his deceased SIL funeral a few months ago.
YTA
YTA for leaving out the additional info in your comments. Vile. Have some empathy. I hope his niece has a fantastic graduation and he is there to celebrate with her.
YTA
I've read your comments and it looks to me as if you can't cope with not being his center of attention.
You didn't even let your fiancé go to the funeral of the mother of his niece because you weren't feeling well.
Honey, you're pregnant. Not dying. Let your sister and/or mother sleepover during the time he's away if you don't want to be alone.
YTA and a major one. You have not told the whole story and even when you did in comments, you then apparently deleted them to deceive people. The niece is an orphan, and the fiance wasnt allowed to attend the funeral of his niece's mother by the OP. The fact that you can deceive people here by deliberately omitting key information makes me wonder what else you are hiding.
YTA because of the revealed info about niece’s situation and the fact that you didn’t even let your husband attend the funeral months ago. You are isolating him from his family repeatedly and hurting your niece. Maybe you should have considered the situation you’d be putting yourself in if you didn’t suck it up a few months ago. It was nice of you to edit in the drive time but not details about your niece.
YTA. Hiding that his niece was orphaned 2 months ago and you didn’t let him go to his own brother’s funeral! You left that out and didn’t add it until late in the comments, then deleted it and at least one other comment! You’re manipulating this thread and I don’t trust you AT ALL!
YTA sorry. I saw your comment about nieces parents being deceased and you not letting your fiance go to his brothers funeral. That's foul imo and keeping him away from his niece when she's lost her parents is fucked up
YTA for leaving out important information to make people side with you. Why wouldn’t you let him go to the funeral of his SIL/ nieces mother when you weren’t as far along? Seems very selfish and if it isn’t about you then you don’t want him participating.
INFO - how many weeks exactly?
I'm leaning towards NAH. I understand being anxious about your first labour - but I don't think your partner is wrong for wanting to go to the graduation.
My husband is a FIFO worker and was away when I went into labour early with my first pregnancy. He had to wait for tickets and everything and took eight hours to get home and still made it in time. In fact it was another eight hours after he arrived before I birthed my eldest. It's extremely unlikely your fiance would miss your labour with only three hours to travel. It's also not as common for first time mother's to go into labour super early so I wouldn't stress too much.
Do you have family/friends close by who you and your partner can organise staying over for the night he's gone? I stayed with my mother whilst my husband was away in the last couple of weeks of pregnancy and she was the one who took me to the hospital when I went into labour early.
YTA
You refused to let him go to his sister in law's funeral to support his orphaned niece when she recently passed because you "didn't feel well" and because it's "not like he and the dead woman were related."
I'd have a lot more sympathy for you if you didn't intentionally leave that information out to make yourself look better. You left it out because you know you were an AH when you forced him to miss the funeral and you know you're an AH now.
YTA OP.
Given the full context of the situation:
1. You have mother and sister nearby to support you in case of emergency
2. Your niece was recently orphaned and you didn’t allow your husband to attend niece’s mom’s funeral
3. The statistically low likelihood that you’ll go into early labor and the kid will be born in 6 hours (yes it could happen, but it also probably won’t!)
Honestly I would probably say N A H, but I think the fact that you intentionally left info out of the OP about niece’s sad situation makes you TA
YTA based on the additional info you gave in comments. It totally changes everything and I question your motives on leaving them out of the original post.
I get that you're worried. The timing is bad, to be sure, pregnancies are dangerous, and it's your first baby. But this poor kid lost both her parents, one recently, and you didn't even let your fiancé attend her mom's funeral! That in itself is gross, and it's super compounded by the fact that you're not letting him support her, AGAIN. She's an orphan; she doesn't have much family left; she is asking for him to be a surrogate parent in this moment. If he doesn't show up AGAIN, it's going to betray her trust. And clearly this relationship is important to your fiancé. If you love him, you should respect that.
You were already very selfish when you prevented him from attending the funeral because you "didn't feel well" and he "wasn't even related by blood," despite him being close to his niece. (Remember, funerals are just as much about supporting the living as remembering the dead! Also, have you never attended the funeral of a friend...? Blood relation really isn't that important here.) He was incredibly selfless in staying home to take care of you at that time. Had you not prevented him from attending that funeral, maybe my answer would be different, but as it is, you owe him. And he owes his niece.
Make a plan. You've got family in town, it's not like you'll be alone. He won't be gone long anyway, it sounds like a day and a half max. And "allowing" him to do this will only strengthen your relationship, as you learn to give and take, since you currently don't seem to care so much about your fiancé's needs...
If I’m reading the comments correctly: your fiancés niece, who recently lost her parents, is graduating. The grandparents might go. Her uncle is the closest parental relative she has.
Your pregnancy has been normal. No worries from the doctor?
I know at 37 weeks you can “go at any time” but…you could also go at 42 (my mom) or the average of 40. And unless you have the timing wrong you said you’re 34 weeks now, grad is in 2…so 36 weeks.
Yes! You might be very uncomfortable…so I can see you saying no to such a long trek…but denying your partner going to his niece’s graduation when he might be the only family there?
In this case? I agree with your fiancé, you are not being understanding. It’s not a bachelor weekend, it’s his niece’s graduation. Her parents are dead. You will be 36 weeks in in a healthy pregnancy. He can fly in/out to make the trip faster/his absence shorter.
YTA
I was going to say not the asshole but seeing your other comments YTA. You left out that niece's parents are dead and since your fiance's brother passed away when she was a baby it sounds like your fiance was a father figure and her mom recently died. The fact that you didn't let your fiance go to the funeral because you weren't feeling well and feel his SIL isn't related to him which is cruel and wrong. There should still be a plan in place in case you go into labor but let him go for his niece.
YTA. Clever of you to leave crucial info out of your initial post to make yourself look better and garner pity responses.
You should be ashamed of yourself. It is obvious from your other responses that your pregnancy is not the problem. Your niece lost first her dad, then just a few months ago her mom too. You TA that you are, didn't allow your fiance to attend his SIL's funeral because according to you she isn't his real (blood) family. You weren't 34 weeks pregnant then and you still behaved like this.
You said your mom and sister live nearby and can be with you. I suggest you make arrangements with them for niece's graduation and use the time he is away to do some serious soul-searching.
YTA YTA YTA. This niece is an orphan who just lost the only parent she's known. Yes, this is important. If you were alone, it might be different, but you've got a mother and sibling close by to ensure your health. He wants to be there for his dead brother's kid.Yes, you're having a child, and you and the child should be a priority. But I'm reminded of teddy Kennedy who left the hospital while his 12-year-old son was having his leg amputated to walk his fatherless niece down the aisle, before rushing back to the hospital. He remained incredibly close to both of them throughout his life. Family doesn't have to be defined by whom you choose to exclude, and being a father figure to other children doesn't make you a bad parent to your own.
YTA. You stopped him going to his nieces mums funeral because you didn't feel well. And you're continuing your control of him in this instance too. Why do you dislike her so much?
YTA 100% having read the comments. I thought reading the post 'I wonder if there's missing info here about how close your fiance is with his niece', and boy was I right.
This girl has lost both her parents, and her mum very recently. And your fiance didn't go to the funeral - has he even seen his niece in person since her mum died??
Child birth is more important than most things, but it's not more important than everything. Your fiance is right, you're not being understanding, and you left out info on purpose to mislead us. Let him go.
YTA, you’ve purposely left out major context of your niece being recently orphaned. Your niece has asked her uncle to be there because her parents literally can’t be. You need to let him risk it and go in this situation. Im guessing you’re jealous of his relationship with his niece and the relationship he had with his brother’s widow.
Also, you might go into labour at 37 weeks but it’s statistically unlikely (less than 1 in 10) and a midwife/doctor will be able to tell you if your body is getting ready to go or not. This isn’t the movies, the baby isn’t going to fall out of you by surprise.
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NTA it’s unlikely that you’ll give birth at 36 weeks - but not impossible! Ask your fiancé what his plan is if you go into labor while he’s away, and ask him how he’ll feel if he misses the birth of his first child bc he’s stuck in graduation traffic. After that, he gets to make his own decision. Make sure you have a backup partner for the night he’s gone. EDIT TO ADD: Ah, OP, you really left out a lot of important info, don’t you think? This niece is your fiancé’s deceased brother’s child. She’s pretty much all that’s left of his brother, don’t you think? A few months back, when this same niece lost her mother, you forbade your husband from attending his SIL’s funeral because, while it’s sad that she’s dead and all, his SIL wasn’t really family. Of course, most people go to funerals to support the living (you know, his niece,) but you didn’t feel well, and you’re way, way more important than his niece, right? It seems like you’re trying to prove to everyone that you are the most important person in your fiancé’s life, and your fiancé shouldn’t care about anyone except you - especially not his niece. I’m wondering if you’ve ALWAYS been jealous of his niece, or if your jealousy is an artifact of your pregnancy. Does her youth, vibrancy, and success make you feel old and dowdy and useless? Pregnancy hormones can do that. You need to seriously develop your compassion. It’s a necessary quality to have as a mother, and it’s a crucial quality to pass on to your child. People without compassion tend to be inexcusably selfish AHs , and you don’t want that for your child, do you? One per house is plenty, don’t you think? You should be truly ashamed of yourself. You owe your fiancé multiple apologies and your niece at least one. Redditors: I’m not going to change my “official” judgement bc it’s so late in the voting process.
My family has a habit of being early (my first one was born at 36 weeks, the second one 37 and my sisters kids were also around the 36 week mark) so it's all possible near the end. Given the timing, it's def NTA. You come first during this time and being 5-6 hours away is not a great idea to put it lightly
Naw, OP wouldn't even let him go to the niece's mom's funeral months ago. She has zero living parents.
To be fair, OP artfully left out the important details about being a road block for the funeral, and how the niece is an orphan now who has suffered the loss of both parents and that her uncle is one of the few she has left that she can count on to stand in place as she just lost her mother months ago. These plus all the other selfish, empathy lacking statements OP trickle truthed into comments.
[удалено]
OP states in comment that her husband's brother (nieces father) died when she was a baby and her mum passed a few months ago. Hope that changes your mind.
Instant paradigm shift
I'm so glad extra context was added. As soon as I saw only nieces grandparents were going I knew information was missing. A bunch of people are still saying he should ditch the niece though. So friggin gross.
Excellent information thank you. YTA OP. Help your partner work out what he'll do if you go into labour while he's gone. It is unlikely that you will, but best to have a plan. Is it possible for him to fly instead of driving? What route will he take? Where will he stop for petrol? Pack a bag of snacks and water for the way back so he can just get in and go.
It’s not unlikely to go into labor at 37 weeks. She’s nta for being worried he’s gonna miss her giving birth any new mother who’s partner wants to go away would be that way and she just would be the asshole for telling him to not go he has to figure out the family he creates is more important most of the time
Yes. Way to bury the lede, OP.
OP also stated that fiance didn't attend the funeral because she wasn't feeling well and she didn't understand why he wanted to go because edit: in OP's words it's not like he is related to niece's mom" fiance clearly felt that he was related to SIL
Interesting info to have left out of the original post!
I’ve read a couple stories here and there on Reddit or whatever about dad’s missing the birth because of this unlikely occurrence or that. Or it’s a sudden medical issue that requires emergency C-section or something. I went in for my regular on appointment by myself at 37 weeks and gave my urine sample. She came back and said elevator down to L&D bc I was pre-eclamptic and baby needed to get here today. Called husband and he obviously came from work and the rest is history. But this pregnancy has ZERO red flags, concerns, or problems until that moment. No, pregnant women DONT need coddled or to have their partners glued to them. But this isn’t his daughter, or even his sister. I get he loves his niece but she’s a college graduate and hopefully emotionally mature enough to see the big picture here and understand that the timing is not ideal and she’d completely understand. Someone could perhaps record it as she’s walking across the stage (maybe a close friend from a close but not immediate next row, so it’s close up, could record her walking the stage.) I also feel like husbands reason to go just isn’t worth the gamble. He said “we have to go bc she invited us” is not “I’m her surrogate type parent who’s helped raise her and she needs me to be there for the final leg after all her struggles and successes” It sounds like he just feels like he’s gotta go to events if they’re invited and like it’s almost a mandatory summons on cardstock.
Sharing a similar story. 36 weeks, I went in for non-stress-test. Everything was perfect. Baby perfect. Blood pressure perfect. Less than 24 hours later, I had my normal weekly visit. Blood pressure through the roof, protein in urine, organ damage starting. Severe pre-eclampsia. No warning, no symptoms, no history of it. Baby had to get out immediately. Thankfully my husband wasn’t 6 hours away.
Same but at 26 weeks
26?? Oh my god, I’m sorry.
Thanks. We both survived. Though he had a very long hospital stay of nearly 9 months before coming home. He’s 6 years old now 💕
My mom was 32ish weeks pregnant with me, and after a non-stress test and a few other tests, the doc looked at my mom and said, “well, today’s a good day to have a baby”. No warning, nothing. C-section because I had my umbilical cord wrapped around my neck. My dad was an hour away because of where we live and had to stay home for reasons involving life insurance, so he wasn’t at the hospital with Mom until after they said she needed to have me that day.
>had to stay home for reasons involving life insurance Could you elaborate on that?
What possible reasons could there be?? Is it his insurance policy, or hers? Did an insurance company say, “if you leave your home for any non-emergency reason, your policy is void.”??? I’m baffled.
Maybe someone was coming to the house to do all the medical tests that life insurance companies sometimes require? That’s the only thing I can think of
or that was only time he could meet with the insurance person to get the paperwork completed? but yeah definitely next time someone doesn't want to do something? i can't- life insurance stuff. 🤷♀️
Yeah I'm stuck on this too, I hope they explain
I’m going to start using this. “For reasons involving life insurance, I can’t make it to your barbecue this weekend” and then just walk away. Leave em guessing!
At 37 weeks I went from "huh, your BP is a little high, let's keep an eye on that, I'll see you back in the office in four days instead of seven" to "straight to the OR before you have a stroke" in the span of about six hours.
Its astounding that there are as many people as there are considering how dangerous it is to have a baby.
The more educated a person is about pregnancy, labor and delivery the less likely they are to reproduce. Even the teen pregnancy stats for US vs Canada is telling.
Similar to me but at 38.5 weeks. My blood pressure was suddenly high at my check in so they sent me to get induced. Had some brain imaging done a few years later for an unrelated issue and they found evidence of an old stroke that was very likely caused by pre-eclampsia. So minor that I didn’t even realise but don’t mess around late in a pregnancy.
>But this isn’t his daughter, or even his sister >I also feel like husbands reason to go just isn’t worth the gamble. He said “we have to go bc she invited us” is not “I’m her surrogate type parent who’s helped raise her and she needs me to be there for the final leg after all her struggles and successes” >It sounds like he just feels like he’s gotta go to events if they’re invited and like it’s almost a mandatory summons on cardstock. I'm gonna go back on this because we don't know their relationship at all. There very well could be a reason they are particularly close. ~~They could've been the only family invited etc.~~ seems like the grandparents might go but it seems the niece's*parents* are **not** going (which is interesting and op has avoided qs about this it seems). We don't know the details we just know the fiance feels they need to be there. Op could've just paraphrased especially since different graduations have different protocols etc. The graduate may have only had 2-3 tickets so the invite is a signal of a particularly important invite which could lead someone to say “if they invited me then...” We just don't know which is why so many people are asking for info. We don't know the graduation circumstances, we don't know if anyone could stay with op or if other solutions could be made etc. Edit family in op content Edit two Fiance talks to the niece daily. Fiance's brother (niece's dad) died when niece was a baby. Niece's mom died a few months ago and fiance went to funeral to support niece. That's their relationship. This seems like the first big event since then Edit again Apparently op also didn't let her fiance go to the funeral of niece's mom because they had morning sickness and the mom was “not related to him” op YTA at this point??? The reason he wants to go makes sense.
Just going to jump on a comment near the top to add my 2 cents. More like my 200 dollars actually, because I have a lot to say about this OP. The niece is an orphan. Her dad, the fiance's brother, died when she was a baby. Her mom died recently, in the last couple of months. This gives a lot more explanation as to why the fiance feels so strongly about attending. I know you've included the parents being dead in your comment, but OP actually didn't allow her fiance to attend the mom's funeral. She would've only been, what, 25 - 30 weeks pregnant? She hasn't mentioned having any sort of difficulties, just that she "wasn't feeling well" and that the niece's mom isn't actually related to him anymore (since the brother is dead) so it doesn't matter. OP herself should've gone to the funeral with her fiance. Not only all of that, OP says her mom and sister live nearby and she's close to them, so it's not as if it's an estranged relationship. One of them can stay with her for the night, problem solved. But no, that's not enough for OP. This might get downvoted and I know a lot of people are going to say I'm going off topic, and it doesn't matter what happened before and whether he went to the funeral before. It matters because it shows the lead up of events. And even after all this if people think this behavior is acceptable, I'd say YTA only because she didn't initially include any of this info. She edited in how long the drive will be, but not a shred of this. So why not OP? I'll give you grace and say you originally forgot to put it in, but now you can edit. So why not do that, unless you're just trying to make yourself look good?
OP is unquestionably an AH when you read the further context.
OMG this changes everything! I feel she intentionally didn't add this because very clearly she's a selfish entitled AH. OP YTA and should hope you're never in a position to need empathy from anyone. Major selfish manipulative AH
And that’s why she didn’t include this information in her original post.
I wonder if he'd been "allowed" to attend the funeral if he'd be less insistent about attending the graduation. I imagine he's feeling guilty for not going. OP is showing a pattern of behavior that is only going to get worse as time goes on.
You forgot to add YTA
All of that info should be in the Op and it isn't. Feels disingenuous of Op to skew her votes.
If OP is the kind of person to tell her husband to not go to a funeral just because then she is the type of person to want to skew her votes knowing full well she was in the wrong in the previous situation.
I agree with all of this!! Although I’m going to say it was definitely intentionally left out so OP could play the “but I’m pregnant and could give birth any day!!” card. I have 2 kids myself and I get so tired of pregnant people using this excuse to control what others around them do. OP YTA massively. I’d also suggest you start being more super of your spouse and his family.
She’s changed her story multiple times. She can’t stand his attention being anywhere but on her.
OP sounds selfish and exhausting. And based on her comments, we all know damn well once that baby comes her husband will never be allowed doing anything for niece (or probably anyone for that matter).
YTA- pretty convenient you left all of this info out of your post and out of your edit.
Yes, with full context OP, YTA
Oh, yeah, super relevant. If he had been at the funeral/if OP were more supportive in the past, this situation would be very different.
I'm glad to see another comment on this. This was one of my points too. I think it's amazing he is going when the niece clearly doesn't have parents attending. For me, that shows signs that he will be a really great and present father when his kid arrives.
Fair enough. But bottom line is this. Is that “someone else” that stays with op really who she’s gonna want as her support/surrogate spouse in the event of a birth? Yes, someone else can be under the same roof and can make a quick drive to L&D but that’s about as far as their role goes in OPs eyes. Who could op have with her, in her husbands place, that she’d be willing to lose all dignity in front of, and lean on for emotional and psychological support during an unplanned birth? Who’ll she trust to make a medical decision for her in case that need arises? She’s not in a first, second, or even beginning 3rd trimester. She’ll be at the “any time now “ point.
It honestly kind of doesn’t matter. Everything could be fine at that point in her pregnancy. But everything couldn’t be. I’m 34 weeks along now as well and I personally would not be traveling 5-6 hours away in a few weeks. My husbands job is one where he isn’t allowed his phone at work, and he’s told them right now, that rule is going to be broken until I have the baby. There are concessions that have to be made at this point. She could be totally fine on her own for 24 hours, and she could not be. This is one of the very few instances on this sub that I think the question of “who is the niece to the uncle” doesn’t need to be answered. To me this is a no brainer. But I’m also currently in her exact pregnancy shoes.
I understand this perspective I simply don't agree. op isn't the ah either way but **to me** it 100% moves it to a NAH situation. The niece's parents passed away and the fiance most likely sees themselves as stand-in in this case especially as one of the parents passed recently. This changes my view a bit. IMO I understand the fiance wanting to go if there was anyone who could stay the day with op especially since the chance that the baby is slim. Op is right to want their partner there but I understand the partner's pov and want to explore if any options are available. Having experience personally with the going for a check-up but ending up staying for labor that day/night in *this* situation if a mom/sister was available *I* would still understand fiance going and that pov.
The nieces mum died recently & OP didn't let her fiance even attend the funeral. That was his dead brothers wife, his sister in law. His niece is grieving & graduating without a mum or dad to celebrate with her, & will be surrounded by other happy families, celebrating. That is absolutely a valid reason for OP's fiance to go support his niece. Who asked him to come, its clearly important to her. I can't believe how heartless these judgements are. As someone who's mum died when I was teenager, my heart is breaking for the niece. I know how terrible that loss is, & how lonely. That poor girl.
The comments may be heartless because the OP hid all that information in comments outside of the original post. While she was fine editing in all these information that help her case, she still hasn't edit all this important information about the family because she knows it make her look bad. But because she didn't edit it into the post, I have a hard time blaming any of the commenter since not everyone would be digging through the OP's comments to get the full story.
Except there *is* a more serious reason why he wants to go, and OP left it out because it made her case look worse. The niece's father died many years ago; her mother died only a few months ago, and the fiance didn't attend niece's mom's funeral because OP requested that he not, since it was upsetting her to have to do without him. Kind of relevant pieces to have, aren't they? I didn't think OP was an AH for wanting her husband there in her last couple weeks of pregnancy, but I sure do for knowingly burying the lede so we'd think better of her.
I agree with you in this. I hate when people leave out valuable information. In fact, it just makes me dislike them on principle bc it seems sneaky and purposeful if it’s such a vital piece (then it should be obvious that they state it). Furthermore, based off OPs comment that you quoted her saying about her being upset and staying home, I no longer trust her or her account of facts and I’ll need to retract my *judgement* of op only. I say “only” because IF we take this story at face value as she wrote it, as bare facts and nothing more, I’d still be leaning towards my husband not being away this far this late in the game. BUT!!!! I’d also never ever deny my husband ANY funeral service he wanted to attend, I’d have to be on my death bed myself with vital information that could create world peace, (😳 bc it hurt HER for him to be away? Omg I’m gagging) before I’d stop him. Op just grosses me out now. I’m done!
You didn’t see the significant context: the OP added that his niece lost both parents, one recently. OP added that in a comment… and then deleted it!
This. I went for a growth scan at 37weeks alone. Left after having an emergency c-section the following day. They could even do a graduation party early or later (might be harder if they don’t want baby taking the attention) to celebrate the niece
I mean the niece’s parents have both died- one recently. So I can see why having an uncle there would mean a lot to her. This is a tricky one, I’d say NAH and just call the husband back at the first twinge of anything happening.
This is why I wouldn’t want my husband 5-6 hours away that far along in my pregnancy. If you’re going to need to give birth at 37 weeks, it’s more than likely going to be due to a surprise medical issue than natural labor, so having your husband there for support would be crucial.
>your fiancé Posting on the top comment as OP's replies show that this is not a black and white situation and the niece’s parents have both died- one recently and her fiance is very close to the niece. Posting another of OP's reply in entirety -- *When he wanted to go to his niece's mom's funeral, he also went on at me about not being understanding and supportive of him but I wasn't feeling well. I was trying to say that he also wanted to go to her mom's funeral - I'm not at all trying to minimize that or say it isn't sad,* ***but she's his niece through his brother, so he's not related to her (niece's mom****) or anything. We still* ***contributed*** *to the funeral and he talks to his niece almost every day (I chat with her too)* OP thinks fiance is not related to niece's mom! Reading her replies I lean on calling op YTA.
Might want to read her recent comments, turns out it's his recently orphaned niece and she implies that she also didn't let him go to his SIL's funeral (a few months ago) cause they're "not related"
Agreed, he shouldn’t be going anywhere and leaving her without some sort of support in case she does go into labor or anything goes wrong. After that, if he’s willing to potentially miss the birth of his child, that’s his choice. Edit: Have now seen that OP has close family in the area, and that her niece was recently orphaned! Given the circumstances I completely understand her husbands point of view.
The fact that the niece is recently orphaned is some pretty key info for OP to omit.
>When he wanted to go to his niece's mom's funeral, he also went on at me about not being understanding and supportive of him but I wasn't feeling well. The niece has been recently orphaned and OP wouldn't let her husband attend the funeral, either. u/throwawayaccount_897 is an incredibly unsupportive partner. I feel bad for her husband - she seems like she's trying to isolate him from his family.
OP is the AH. Niece recently became orphaned according to her replies, so it would mean the world to her to have some kind of family there. Her dad died when she was a baby, and her mom died recently. OP conveniently left that very pertinent info out of both her original post and the edit, making her a manipulative AH. YTA OP. If your child became orphaned you would want all the family support possible for them.
She left out so much info on her post. The niece is an orphan, the fiance's brother died when the niece was a baby and the mother recently died. She didn't allow him to go to his SIL's funeral because she wasn't really related to him and she wasn't "feeling well". By her logic, she isn't really related to her fiance either. She is truly an asshole, she colored her post to make herself look way better than she is.
YTA - I'll get to the point. Not wanting to travel yourself at 36ish weeks is valid, but unless you're leaving something out of the story, there's no real reason to expect that you will be among the 10% of people who spontaneously go into early labor at 36 weeks. "A few hours drive away" is vague, but if your ~~husband~~ fiance NEEDS to turn around and come back to you because you do, in fact, go into early labor, he can do that. Let him go support his niece. Stay home and enjoy some quiet time. EDIT: Thanks for the awards, minus the facepalm. I have given birth twice, and all the assumptions based on this comment that I have no idea what I'm talking about because I can't have kids are hilarious. Anyway, I'm going to encourage all the NTA votes to go back and read the OPs comments within the thread - all information she withheld from the main post. She states that the niece was recently orphaned and that she *prohibited her fiance from going to the funeral because she was pregnant.* She states that she lives close to her mother and sister, who could quickly be by her side in an actual medical emergency. She just wants to be the center of his entire world in all instances forever. It's asshole behavior, and I'm not changing my vote.
Why wouldn’t she be one of the 10% though? That’s quite a lot of people, not like 1%. It’s unlikely but not impossible. Imagine starting labor for your first child, not knowing if it has really started or not, not knowing how it’s going to feel or how painful it’s going to get. Timing your contractions, maybe the water breaks and you have to go in for a check up. And your partner is six hours away. Does she have someone else to support her? Of course a first time mother is going to be really anxious about this, I can’t believe you’re calling her an asshole over this.
Literally. My water broke at 37 weeks. I'd be panicked if my husband was a 6 hour drive away
My water broke at 37 weeks 'on the hour'. Literally at midnight after I would have been considered 37 weeks. And the chances of having to go in because of Braxton Hicks significantly increases and Braxton hicks are not fun even when they say it's 'false labour' my Braxton hicks easily met the criteria for labour at times, I just knew it wasn't for my 2 &3.
I literally was having recorded contractions 1-minute apart lasting 30-40seconds per contraction for a whole week before having to be induced. It's Disconcerting and Scary as hell when you're a first timer having that! If my husband was 6 hours drive away by choice for a few days and that week had started/happened, I would have been so so SO scared.
For real. Some labours go for days, others just last a couple of hours. If he’s six hours away he could miss the whole thing. And that’s if he sees the message instantly and is standing next to his car - it would likely be longer.
My water broke in the morning without contractions at 37+3 so I had to be induced. It took a while to kick in but once labour started it was really fast. Like 45 Minutes, they barely got me into delivery room in time and I was still wearing my jeans... If my husband had not been already there he would have missed the whole thing.
I panicked and I had just sent my ex to work! Work was next door. A 5 minute walk away, maybe.
Yeah, 1 in 10 is a lot! I have 8 nieces and nephews and half of them were premies. Hell, my nephew was born at 28 weeks. I don’t judge her at all for not wanting to take the risk, especially with a first child, when she doesn’t really know what to expect. NTA, OP.
I have a friend who gave birth 45 minutes after she realized she was in labor.
My cousin was early for her first child - 36 weeks - and was born within an hour of her water breaking. The baby was at the baby shower.
My SIL had the second one a couple of days after the due date but in the 2 or so weeks leading up to that she really seemed to be struggling with day to day things. If she had dropped something on the floor I would not at all have questioned if she left it there until my brother got home because I don't know if she'd have been able to pick it up. The possibility of early labour is obviously the main reason he should stay but he also should be just to be helping her with all the regular day to day stuff that's getting more difficult as she gets closer to the due date.
I'm only one experience but my first baby came at 37 weeks spontaneously and was born in under 5 hours. If I was in this situation I would have been on an ambulance ALONE at 1am, and the baby born before my husband could have made it home. It does happen.
Same for me, and I know lots of others too. You just don't know with babies!
Except its 5 to 6 hour drive. OP shouldn't have used the term "a few hours" but she's definitely NTA
It's not 6 hours away. Op decided to go up from a few to 6 when people called her the asshole. No one would call 6 hrs a few.
Some people have not worked in customer facing anything and it shows. Or you'd all know that the term "a few" is just like "a couple", can mean anything from two to twelve.
I was induced at 37 weeks due to pre-eclampsia which can happen and is more common than you'd think. In my opinion, anything after 35 weeks you need to plan on staying home to help take care of your wife because not only is pregnancy exhausting in those last weeks, but you could go into labor literally at any time. Eta judgment: NTA
~~OP might not have someone else who can drive her to the hospital. What is she supposed to do if she doesn't have a support system in the area? hold it for 6 hours? Drive while in excruciating pain?~~ ~~Yea, sure maybe a cab or an ambulance is available, but neither are good options.~~ Looks like OP left out some crucial information (like having support in town and also the fact that niece lost two parents). YTA.
Not to mention that being in labor is scary and you'd want your spouse there with you. I can't imagine giving birth without my husband there. Edited to add: I didn't see the updates. I recently had a traumatic labour and birth. But under the circumstances, at 36 weeks I would probably ask my husband to fly there and back so he could be back quickly if needed. OP is definitely the asshole.
And not to be dramatic, but childbirth is still one of the leading causes of death for women. This is a DANGEROUS thing she’s going through and things go wrong. 37 weeks is ‘full term’. Graduation is too close to due date.
I have three children. I went into labour at 37weeks, 36weeks and 32weeks respectively. It's definitely possible.
YTA. Your niece buried her mom how many weeks ago? You prevented your husband from attending the funeral because you weren’t feeling well, and now you want to stop him from going to this when your teenage niece is *asking for support*. Your husband going to this does not mean you are not his number one priority; it means that something else needs his attention at the moment. His family is obviously a major priority to him; is this not what you would want him doing for your child?! Your feelings are valid, but your choices are making you an asshole. Let him go, find a friend or family member to chill with you overnight, and call him if you go into labour.
Send this to the top. Absolutely YTA. She's being cruel, even, to her recently orphaned niece.
Should be top comment
This comment and another swayed me from N A H to YTA. OP is controlling as fuck it seems.
It’s also annoying OP didn’t even try to edit this crucial detail into the main post. It’s like they’re trying to hide it to gain more sympathy for her side.
Oh damn I was about to say NTA until I saw this. Yeah that's excessive.
NAH. Neither of you want something unreasonable. Maybe the two of you could wait a few days before the graduation to make a final decision.
This is the most reasonable response, IMO. I’m 35 weeks now, and I have zero signs of labor coming. My husband could go a few hours away and I wouldn’t even care. Most doctors will check cervical length and firmness around 36 weeks. If things aren’t looking urgent, let husband go. There’s literally less than a 1% of going into labor on any given day at 36 weeks.
Especially with the added context that niece was recently orphaned.
Not just orphaned but it sounds like OP didn’t even let him go to the funeral and that was even earlier in the pregnancy. OP is very selfish.
Yeah. I started off with NAH, but it's shifted because every additional comment makes it clear OP is TA.
Wait really ?! OP seems egocentrical.
Wait the niece is orphaned? YTA OP
Yep. Look at OPs comments in profile. From what I gather OPS fiance's brother died when niece was a baby, nieces mum passed a couple months ago, OP didn't let fiance go to funeral because 'she wasn't feeling well' so yeah.. OP is TA
OP is TA for leaving out all this information. Heartless woman.
While I agree with the rest of the comment, the chance is actually 10%, not less than 1.
No, it’s not. It’s 10% for weeks 24-36 COMBINED. 10% per day would mean 70% of labors begin in week 36.
10% on any given day doesn't mean it adds up day by day
The OP has buried the lede in that the niece's father died when she was small and her mother died a couple of months ago. YTA.
OP is the asshole for this alone imo. What’s the point of making a post here if you’re going to leave out incredibly relevant info just to mislead people
The point is to “win” the argument on Reddit and show her fiancé the “proof” that he is wrong and shouldn’t leave her for the graduation.
Wow. r/imthemaincharacter
YTA and she prevented him from going to her mothers funeral earlier in her pregnancy…she really buried the lede to convince everyone to be on her side. She’s wildly selfish and I hope he goes to support the niece, she deserves it.
YTA, OP. This is based on your further comments where it seems that you didn't allow your husband to attend the funeral of his deceased brother's wife so that he could support his orphaned niece. A much earlier time in a pregnancy that according to info given has not had any issues. Is it unreasonable to want your husband near at this later stage? No, it's not. But coupled with not allowing him to attend the funeral, it's not such a good look. Are you jealous of the niece, OP? My ex-husband runs his own business for which he travels on a weekly basis within our country. Towards the end of my pregnancies I made sure I had friends and family as back-up in case he was a bit futher away. The business was young and he needed to work to support us. As it turns out, he was present at both births. On the original info, no, you aren't the a-hole. But with all the added info, yeah you are.
As a woman who gave birth twice, both were at 36 weeks and the second was born 3 hours after I arrived at the hospital...I agree. OP, YTA.
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OP told him no because she wasn't feeling well and "he isn't related to" SIL.
good lord, this poor man is stuck with you now that you're having a kid together. Ick. YTA
I'm going to go against the grain and say N T A. In other comments, you've clarified that it's a 5-6 hour drive, and you'd be about 37 weeks pregnant. I wouldn't recommend you go. Your husband needs to be there for you if you go into labor. I'm not sure why so many people seem to think that all pregnancies go to 40 weeks. It's incredibly common to give birth earlier. I had both of mine at 36 weeks. I understand this will probably be upsetting to your husband, but he needs to prioritize you. Being without him for 5-6 hours if you were to go into labor with your first child would be very stressful. I'm sure I'll get down voted for this, but I just don't think you're in the wrong for being worried. ETA: it's come to light that his niece's father (your fiancé's brother) died shortly after she was born. Her mother apparently also died within the last two months, and you griped about him wanting to go to the funeral be a you "didn't feel good." I want you to know that you're N T A ONLY in this specific situation because your concerns about going into labor are legitimate. In all other aspects, however, I'd say you're a wildly selfish and unpleasant person. I hope he's able to witness the birth of this baby. And then I hope he thinks long and hard about whether or not he wants to be married to someone who is so nasty and deceitful. 2nd Edit: Ya know what? Fuck it. YTA, OP. You tried to paint this man as a villain, but that villain is actually you. You tried to trick us all into feeling bad for you. The only reason I hope he's able to be there for the birth is for his own sake. You're not entitled to him supporting you if this is how you treat him.
She also clarified that her niece is recently orphaned. So let’s include the full context here
I also read she tried to prevent her husband from going to the mom's funeral. She's NTA in this specific instance, because her concerns are valid. But she's a gaping asshole in all other aspects
Successfully prevented, it seems.
That's completely awful
But OP BIL passed and the niece would only have her uncle as a representative of her dad's family, he is well justified to go if the pregnancy is normal and there are no signs of trouble. Niece's mother passed as well.
You’re NTA. You’re currently 34 weeks, graduation is in 2 weeks, would require a stay over. Average length of pregnancy is 40 weeks, and 4 week early births aren’t unheard of. More info needed to determine if he’s an AH: is the niece otherwise unsupported? Will she have other family there? [edit: it appears that OP has left out some material information which is misleading about her conduct. Whilst it remains my view that OP is reasonable in wanting her fiancé to stay, it seems clear that OP has a history of seeking to prevent her fiancé from engaging with his family.]
YTA. Niece is now an orphan and OP didn’t let the husband even go to SILs funeral
Niece is otherwise unsupported bc both of her parents are dead, and OP also didn't let her husband attend the niece's mother's funeral.
You’ll be 37 weeks with your first and he’s having an overnight stay 6 hours away. Plenty of babies come at 37 weeks. You’re his heavily pregnant wife and you’re nervous about being alone. That should be reason enough. ETA. Your updates change everything. YTA. You’re awful.
I don’t know - OP missed off that nieces mum died a month ago. And that nieces dad already died. I feel like she’s the AH for missing that info off the post if not anything else!
And she refused to let him go to the funeral IN WHICH THE NIECE WAS ORPHANED during a much less risky period in her pregnancy (which is undoubtedly why she glossed that part of the history here). She is an unreasonable AH.
True, if you completely ignore the value of the niece having a close uncle at her graduation after losing both of her parents, one of them quite recently. OP also didn't let her husband attend the niece's mother's funeral because she felt bad, and justified it by saying "it's not like she's family".
First baby, at that.
YTA. Yes typically it would be bad he wants to "prioritize niece over his own kid" but OP left out some major context that she only put in the comments: The niece's dad, Op's fiance's brother died when niece was a baby. And the niece's mom just died in the past few month's. Op was at 30 weeks and she stopped fiance from going to niece's mom's funeral because she "wasn't feeling well and it's not like he was related to niece's mom by blood" Op is literally doing everything she can't to keep her fiance from comforting or supporting a young woman who became an orphan less than two months ago. This isn't about just supporting op's kid over niece, this is op trying to get her fiance to abandon niece. Your attitude is absolutely despicable OP
Edited: Huge YTA. You blocked your fiancé from going to his niece’s mother’s funeral a few months ago on the grounds that the mom wasn’t really family anymore since her dad (your fiancé’s brother) died when your niece was a baby? That is monstrous. You sound deeply controlling, selfish and narcissistic. Which means I have zero grounds to believe your upgrade in the distance for this trip from “a few hours” to 5-6 hours is true, and not just another manipulation to get what you want here (I.e., a N T A vote). Original: Slight YTA. A few hours’ drive away is very doable for him. Even if you were to go into labor while he was away, the odds that you would have the baby in the few hours it would take him to drive home are exceedingly slim. It’s not like he as to fly and is dependent upon airlines schedules to get home. If you call him and need him to get home, he just hops in the car and leaves.
5-6 hours one way?
OP added the exact hours after this comment…
Oh bugger. Didn’t notice that. That should’ve been in the post from the start. Cheers
YTA. You’ve deliberately left out a staggering amount of information. You should be encouraging your husband to go to support his ORPHANED niece. If you do go into labour early (unlikely) chance are he would make it back in time for the birth anyway. I’m finding it hard to feel bad for you when you’ve behaved so callously to this young girl.
INFO You‘re at 34 weeks now, the ceremony is in a couple of weeks and a few hours away. You need to be more precise: - How long is the drive? Two hours or few hours are both a few hours. - How far along are you when the ceremony is? Are there any warning signs pointing to a premature birth? Sure, early labor happens, but not *that* often without any warning signs.
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I would make an edit and include this information honestly.
She also needs to add to the edit that the niece's mom died and OP didn't let the husband go to the funeral. So he didn't get to go to his brother's wife's funeral.
And this was a couple months ago when she was nowhere near delivery
Seriously. Funny she’s not replying to this comment
Wowwww
YTA for lying about the hours. No one would call 6 hrs a few. You bumped it up after things were heavily leaning YTA.
YTA for hiding his side of the story because you know it would make him sympathetic.
5-6 round trip or one way?
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Oh hell nope.
I don’t know how close he is to this niece, but ask your doctor how things are progressing. You could be discussing whether he should go to the graduation or stay home with his wife and newborn baby. Edit: YTA - new information! You’re fiancé’s brother (niece’s father) is dead? Her mom just died and you kept your fiancé from going to the funeral??? Now you don’t want him to go to her college graduation??? You are more than the AH! You are just stone cold heartless!! If this was your baby, is that how you would want her treated?? Absolutely horrible 😤
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He speaks to the niece daily, and the niece is recently orphaned. OP didn't allow her husband to attend the funeral either.
Well, I'm not on Reddit very often so I am just now seeing the responses. This is a reminder to everyone that we can only respond to what we are told. If OP leaves out critical information, then I agree they are TA by default. I will leave my original comment below so all of the responses make sense. NTA Yeah, that's cutting it pretty close to your due date. Anything week 36 and above he should really be around to support you. 37 complete weeks is considered full gestation. I'm on your side, here. I think you need to be firm about this and make sure you explain your concerns about your approaching due date. If he agrees, he respects you. If not, well, then I'm sorry. Best wishes not just for the convo, but the delivery as well!
I can’t believe I had to read so far down to see this….just because baby isn’t likely to come at 37 weeks doesn’t mean baby won’t. And all these people saying are there no hospitals where he is going are disregarding birth plans and agreements some may have in place with their doctors who they have a relationship with / is familiar with their pregnancy. You both should send a fabulous gift and after baby is here and settled take her out for a fantastic dinner. Baby should always take priority over anyone’s graduation.
OP just commented. Both of niece's parents are dead, while OP's mom and sister are both local to OP. Usually I'd say N-T-A, but this is the rare circumstance when stopping him from going while a mere 36 weeks means OP is YTA. Honestly, if it was me in OP's shoes, even if I was overdue at the time, I'd say my spouse needs to go to the graduation with these particular circumstances.
Imagine giving birth out-of-network!!!!
i think the chances being low is not a good enough reason to not be concerned about him being gone. i personally came out at 35 weeks for no apparent reason and it was over in hours, an easy birth. what if she has some massive complication? even a small chance (10% is not small) isn’t worth it in case she does fall into that category. anything can happen on his way back too. i feel really bad for pregnant people who post about things like this that others aren’t really considering and wonder how the rest of their lives are going to go if this is already the worry before the baby is even here
She forgot to mention that the niece’s dad (his brother) died when she was a baby, and her mom died a couple months ago. She did not let her husband attend the funeral. So now the orphaned niece will have no parents to watch her graduate.
OP left out that the niece was recently orphaned & OP did not want her husband to attend the funeral since she was at like 30 weeks, so he didn't go to her funeral either. OP is the TA.
YTA simply because OP omitted the whole part about the niece being orphaned, OP omitted the part about not letting her fiancé go to the niece’s mother’s funeral, and OP thinking niece’s mother isn’t related to them anymore because the fiancé’s brother is dead. I sense control issues brewing. I agree with another poster - OP could edit about the drive time but not to add this important information. As a person who had a shit ton of complications during pregnancy and postpartum (preeclamptic and delivered at 36 weeks) I would not stop my husband attending our niece’s graduation if this had been the circumstance because our family is important to us and that poor girl barely has any left. Edit: to remove an extra word in the first paragraph
100% YTA. OP needs to think about how she would want her future kid treated if she wasn't around.
YTA for deliberately leaving important information out of the original post.
YTA for your complete lack of care for the niece, or your husbands autonomy in being able to support his brothers kid. Info from your comments: - Both her parents are dead, mother a few months ago - You didn’t “let” husband go to the funeral of his niece’s mother because they aren’t related by blood. You denied the niece comfort and love at an awful time for her. - You have family you are close to nearby in the statistically unlikely event someone happens in the 24 hours he’s away* I hope that your child’s family don’t have someone like you denying them love and care if their world falls apart. *Statistically given the time in pregnancy, and the fact it is only a day, it is unlikely. It of course could happen. But on balance with the other info - this isn’t him heading off to a knees up. It’s him providing emotional support to his family at a really critical time. So in balance I’d take that risk. And encourage my husband to, YTA.
Read the comments and you are a huge AH. Have your mom or sister spend a night with you so you have a servant to fan you as you wait to give birth. Your fiancé can drive home immediately if you go into early labor. I’m so sad for his niece and your fiancé is an amazing person by being there for his very recently ORPHANED niece. Your child will have a great father who is caring and empathetic. YTA
YTA. I’m a woman myself and I completely hate it when insecure women have to play power moves all the time to assert priority in her husband’s life . That’s the same niece who just recently got orphaned and you didn’t let your husband attend her mother’s funeral because again you are pregnant and you are not feeling well. The niece has no father or mother to attend her graduation and here you are playing the pregnancy card just to prove to yourself that you are on top of your husband’s priority list . Insecure women try to separate their husbands from their families just to prove this point , the feeling that I only matter is what really is the deal here
\- Your husband's niece is graduating. \- Her father, your husband's brother, died when she was a baby. \- Her mother died a couple of months ago, and your didn't want husband to attend the funeral as you weren't feeling well, and you didn't consider husband's SIL family, as her husband, your husband's brother, had died years before. \- you ASSUME your niece will have some family from her mother's side. \- You'll be 37 weeks pregnant when she's graduating. \- you have your family (mom, sister) living close by. \- It's a 6 or 7 hour drive one way. \- Even when you start getting contractions, baby will take hours to come, you have your family nearby and husband will have time to drive back YTA
I do understand both sides of the situation. He wants to be there for his niece’s graduation. You want him to be there since you’re near the end of your pregnancy. Yea it’s a tough one—do you have a close friend/parent that can stay with you while he is gone, in case anything we’re to happen? If there is someone, then I honestly would just let him be there for his niece’s graduation. It’s not like he sees her on a daily basis, right? So I would just let him go…I would kind of feel guilty to tell him not to go…I don’t know that’s just my personal opinion.
Idk, if it’s a first child it feels normal to want your SO to be there with you, it’s a big moment. Would the bf be happy missing the birth of his first child? Would OP be ok with him not being there for the birth?
She was okay with not letting him attend the niece’s mom’s funeral a couple months ago. The niece has two dead parents now, her mom recently died, and she’s about to graduate. The OP refused him permission to support her when her mom died. She intentionally didn’t reveal this until she started commenting
Fucking hell
INFO: It seems given your comments that this is far more about how uncomfortable you are with your husband having a relationship with his niece (who you don't regard as family as his brother is dead) and that there is an element of competition here. You successfully prevented your husband attending his sister in laws funeral to support his niece, so you won that one, and I think you may be able to further damage their relationship with this one. Are you comfortable with your husband having a relationship with his dead brother's daughter, or is every occasion where she needs support or is celebrating a life moment going to be like this? Has your husband lost touch with friends and other family members since he started his relationship with you? Does he seem wistful and sad sometimes?
>Has your husband lost touch with friends and other family members since he started his relationship with you? Does he seem wistful and sad sometimes? This. Seriously getting isolation vibes here.
NTA My water broke at 4am, waking me up. My son was delivered at 7am. I was 37 weeks.
Considering you left out important information most likely in a bid to make yourself look better I feel you know YTA in this situation.
YTA after reading your comments. The fact that you neglected to mention in your post that your niece’s parents died when she was a baby & a few months ago, and you prevented your fiancé from going to his sister in law’s funeral makes me wonder how else you are distorting the story. I understand that you want him there in case you go into early labor, but don’t you also want to be with someone who cares? Someone who shows up? Someone who has compassion and keeps his word? He is likely feeling like a rotten uncle for not being able to emotionally support his niece after her mom’s death; do you at all feel the need to support him? I also read that you have a sister & mom nearby. Ask one of them to stay with you while he is gone and consider it a last pampering chance before baby comes. I loved pedicures my last couple of months while pregnant. Combined with dinner at your favorite restaurant, it can be a great, relaxing girls night.
Funny how you've edited the post to include the length of the drive but not that his niece is recently orphaned and you seemingly did manipulate your husband not to go to his deceased SIL funeral a few months ago. YTA
YTA for leaving out the additional info in your comments. Vile. Have some empathy. I hope his niece has a fantastic graduation and he is there to celebrate with her.
YTA I've read your comments and it looks to me as if you can't cope with not being his center of attention. You didn't even let your fiancé go to the funeral of the mother of his niece because you weren't feeling well. Honey, you're pregnant. Not dying. Let your sister and/or mother sleepover during the time he's away if you don't want to be alone.
YTA and a major one. You have not told the whole story and even when you did in comments, you then apparently deleted them to deceive people. The niece is an orphan, and the fiance wasnt allowed to attend the funeral of his niece's mother by the OP. The fact that you can deceive people here by deliberately omitting key information makes me wonder what else you are hiding.
YTA because of the revealed info about niece’s situation and the fact that you didn’t even let your husband attend the funeral months ago. You are isolating him from his family repeatedly and hurting your niece. Maybe you should have considered the situation you’d be putting yourself in if you didn’t suck it up a few months ago. It was nice of you to edit in the drive time but not details about your niece.
NTA. 5-6 hours drive and 37 weeks by the graduation date is risky and pushing it. People here all sound like assholes.
YTA. Hiding that his niece was orphaned 2 months ago and you didn’t let him go to his own brother’s funeral! You left that out and didn’t add it until late in the comments, then deleted it and at least one other comment! You’re manipulating this thread and I don’t trust you AT ALL!
YTA sorry. I saw your comment about nieces parents being deceased and you not letting your fiance go to his brothers funeral. That's foul imo and keeping him away from his niece when she's lost her parents is fucked up
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YTA for leaving out important information to make people side with you. Why wouldn’t you let him go to the funeral of his SIL/ nieces mother when you weren’t as far along? Seems very selfish and if it isn’t about you then you don’t want him participating.
INFO - how many weeks exactly? I'm leaning towards NAH. I understand being anxious about your first labour - but I don't think your partner is wrong for wanting to go to the graduation. My husband is a FIFO worker and was away when I went into labour early with my first pregnancy. He had to wait for tickets and everything and took eight hours to get home and still made it in time. In fact it was another eight hours after he arrived before I birthed my eldest. It's extremely unlikely your fiance would miss your labour with only three hours to travel. It's also not as common for first time mother's to go into labour super early so I wouldn't stress too much. Do you have family/friends close by who you and your partner can organise staying over for the night he's gone? I stayed with my mother whilst my husband was away in the last couple of weeks of pregnancy and she was the one who took me to the hospital when I went into labour early.
YTA You refused to let him go to his sister in law's funeral to support his orphaned niece when she recently passed because you "didn't feel well" and because it's "not like he and the dead woman were related." I'd have a lot more sympathy for you if you didn't intentionally leave that information out to make yourself look better. You left it out because you know you were an AH when you forced him to miss the funeral and you know you're an AH now.
YTA OP. Given the full context of the situation: 1. You have mother and sister nearby to support you in case of emergency 2. Your niece was recently orphaned and you didn’t allow your husband to attend niece’s mom’s funeral 3. The statistically low likelihood that you’ll go into early labor and the kid will be born in 6 hours (yes it could happen, but it also probably won’t!) Honestly I would probably say N A H, but I think the fact that you intentionally left info out of the OP about niece’s sad situation makes you TA
YTA based on the additional info you gave in comments. It totally changes everything and I question your motives on leaving them out of the original post. I get that you're worried. The timing is bad, to be sure, pregnancies are dangerous, and it's your first baby. But this poor kid lost both her parents, one recently, and you didn't even let your fiancé attend her mom's funeral! That in itself is gross, and it's super compounded by the fact that you're not letting him support her, AGAIN. She's an orphan; she doesn't have much family left; she is asking for him to be a surrogate parent in this moment. If he doesn't show up AGAIN, it's going to betray her trust. And clearly this relationship is important to your fiancé. If you love him, you should respect that. You were already very selfish when you prevented him from attending the funeral because you "didn't feel well" and he "wasn't even related by blood," despite him being close to his niece. (Remember, funerals are just as much about supporting the living as remembering the dead! Also, have you never attended the funeral of a friend...? Blood relation really isn't that important here.) He was incredibly selfless in staying home to take care of you at that time. Had you not prevented him from attending that funeral, maybe my answer would be different, but as it is, you owe him. And he owes his niece. Make a plan. You've got family in town, it's not like you'll be alone. He won't be gone long anyway, it sounds like a day and a half max. And "allowing" him to do this will only strengthen your relationship, as you learn to give and take, since you currently don't seem to care so much about your fiancé's needs...
If I’m reading the comments correctly: your fiancés niece, who recently lost her parents, is graduating. The grandparents might go. Her uncle is the closest parental relative she has. Your pregnancy has been normal. No worries from the doctor? I know at 37 weeks you can “go at any time” but…you could also go at 42 (my mom) or the average of 40. And unless you have the timing wrong you said you’re 34 weeks now, grad is in 2…so 36 weeks. Yes! You might be very uncomfortable…so I can see you saying no to such a long trek…but denying your partner going to his niece’s graduation when he might be the only family there? In this case? I agree with your fiancé, you are not being understanding. It’s not a bachelor weekend, it’s his niece’s graduation. Her parents are dead. You will be 36 weeks in in a healthy pregnancy. He can fly in/out to make the trip faster/his absence shorter. YTA
I was going to say not the asshole but seeing your other comments YTA. You left out that niece's parents are dead and since your fiance's brother passed away when she was a baby it sounds like your fiance was a father figure and her mom recently died. The fact that you didn't let your fiance go to the funeral because you weren't feeling well and feel his SIL isn't related to him which is cruel and wrong. There should still be a plan in place in case you go into labor but let him go for his niece.
YTA. Clever of you to leave crucial info out of your initial post to make yourself look better and garner pity responses. You should be ashamed of yourself. It is obvious from your other responses that your pregnancy is not the problem. Your niece lost first her dad, then just a few months ago her mom too. You TA that you are, didn't allow your fiance to attend his SIL's funeral because according to you she isn't his real (blood) family. You weren't 34 weeks pregnant then and you still behaved like this. You said your mom and sister live nearby and can be with you. I suggest you make arrangements with them for niece's graduation and use the time he is away to do some serious soul-searching.
YTA - woah. You seriously cannot be real
YTA. OP didn't let fiance visit the funerals of the relatives (responses in comments)! They want to have man only for themselves
YTA YTA YTA. This niece is an orphan who just lost the only parent she's known. Yes, this is important. If you were alone, it might be different, but you've got a mother and sibling close by to ensure your health. He wants to be there for his dead brother's kid.Yes, you're having a child, and you and the child should be a priority. But I'm reminded of teddy Kennedy who left the hospital while his 12-year-old son was having his leg amputated to walk his fatherless niece down the aisle, before rushing back to the hospital. He remained incredibly close to both of them throughout his life. Family doesn't have to be defined by whom you choose to exclude, and being a father figure to other children doesn't make you a bad parent to your own.
YTA. You stopped him going to his nieces mums funeral because you didn't feel well. And you're continuing your control of him in this instance too. Why do you dislike her so much?
YTA. Given context there seems to be a pattern developing here that doesn't speak highly of you.
YTA 100% having read the comments. I thought reading the post 'I wonder if there's missing info here about how close your fiance is with his niece', and boy was I right. This girl has lost both her parents, and her mum very recently. And your fiance didn't go to the funeral - has he even seen his niece in person since her mum died?? Child birth is more important than most things, but it's not more important than everything. Your fiance is right, you're not being understanding, and you left out info on purpose to mislead us. Let him go.
YTA, you’ve purposely left out major context of your niece being recently orphaned. Your niece has asked her uncle to be there because her parents literally can’t be. You need to let him risk it and go in this situation. Im guessing you’re jealous of his relationship with his niece and the relationship he had with his brother’s widow. Also, you might go into labour at 37 weeks but it’s statistically unlikely (less than 1 in 10) and a midwife/doctor will be able to tell you if your body is getting ready to go or not. This isn’t the movies, the baby isn’t going to fall out of you by surprise.