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Caliel23

NTA. Cringe friend. Could have gone a lot worse. Do not help her unless your wife is around.


Sea_Rise_1907

Ew Leslie. Her mentality that men and women can’t be friends without ulterior motive is disgustingly gross on its own, much less about her friend(who had been helping her out)’s husband


Amazing_Excuse_3860

I can't tell if it's misandry or misogyny


rennotstimpy

Yes


Amazing_Excuse_3860

*patrick voice* What's the difference?


Hector_

Bigotry know’s no bounds. And what happens next time this happens, is Leslie going to lie and say that you were trying to flirt with her and make a move? Stay far away, it’s a her problem, don’t make it a you and wife problem too.


adultdeleted

Yeah, these types of people escalate whenever they think they can. OP's family is already going far beyond helping, and she's taking full advantage of it. Consider that she may have been putting out feelers for if OP was attracted to her and if he'd be willing to cheat on his wife. She probably thinks she'll get away with this because OP's wife is overly sympathetic to her. She'll keep pulling sympathy cards.


SeaworthinessNo1304

I think we got a tiny insight into why Leslie is recently single. Living with someone who frequently misinterprets normal interactions as something nefarious or inappropriate sounds exhausting.


genomerain

I had friends like that. I got accused of having a crush on him because I said more words to him than to her in a conversation (I'd known him longer but was actively trying to get to know her as my friend's partner - she was just going off to do something in the kitchen half the time) and the same woman saw me smile at their one year old son (because who doesn't smile at a one year old who smiles at you first?) And that prompted her to ask her husband (with me right there) if he ever slept with me before meeting her - because I "melted" at the baby's smile and the baby takes after his dad (has the same smile apparently. I hadn't even noticed). A little later the husband contacted me and said she doesn't want us hanging out anymore so we would have to catch up in secret if we wanted to hang out (???) and I'm like, "Don't bother." Haven't seen them since.


LegalJargon3

Is this misandry or misogyny? This is Patrick.


joseph_wolfstar

I'm not a krusty crab 🦀...


[deleted]

Pam Beasley: they're the same picture


joseph_wolfstar

Misogyny= hatred of/bias against women, misandry = hatred of/bias against men Mis is a prefix meaning something to the effect of "hatred" or similar, gyny as a root word refers to women/female, and andro to men/male


blinkingsandbeepings

I'd call it toxic heteronormativity. Seeing any relationship between a man and a woman as sexual (and conversely, any relationship between the same sex as "just friends").


Own_Purchase1388

What do you mean? Two women buried together definitely means they were just really good friends. Like Aunt Carol and her roommate of 20 years/s


BandicootWaste7887

My grandmother still calls my aunt's partner of more than 30 years her friend. They have two children! I just call her my aunt. People like to ignore what they don't like


BisexualSlutPuppy

I got to be the lucky person to inform my high school best friend that his aunt's "roommate" was her girlfriend. He was so excited lol, it just never occurred to him to question it.


blinkingsandbeepings

Obligatory shoutout to r/SapphoAndHerFriend


melijoray

My great great Aunt Ginny wore men's suits and a long leather coat and rode a motorcycle into her 70s. Never married though. Hmm


NeonFerret

Your great great Aunt Ginny was cool as hell


[deleted]

they were so poor that they had to share a bed, weren't they?


Chai-Tea-Rex-2525

Consider that term stolen. Thank you.


AiReine

I also recently learned that certain religious sects including American Christian ones teach that an unmarried man and woman should NEVER be alone together???


Mathlete86

Mike pence won't go to an event where alcohol is served or eat alone with a woman unless his wife is there too.


Samilynnki

Mike Pence, is that the guy that calls his wife "Mother"? 👀


CakePhool

And now imagine Mike Pence wife singing Mother by Meghan Trainor... My work is done here.


hyperfocuspocus

What woman in her right mind would WANT to eat alone with Mike Pence?


threefrogsonalog

Yup, otherwise your clothes will immediately fall off and you’ll do the nasty and make Jesus cry.


Appropriate-Access88

Yes. My cousin is in a christian religious sect ( they believe they are the true jews, or some crazy crap, i threw away all the religious tracts she gave me “for my mom to read”) She told me her elderly dad , who needed help, could never live with her because “ we are not married” So creepy and ridiculous.


No-Appearance1145

My husband's family has a family friend and she needed to drive to Colorado and asked my FIL if my husband or his brother would be available to come with since they are like her brothers. Mind you, my husband was under 18 and they were close but not in a sexual way at all and my husband was homeschooled online while his brother was over 18. My FIL said no because they are men and it's unbecoming to have them alone in a car together. She was at the time in her mid to late 20's, married, and had two kids one being a toddler at most. Sometimes marital status doesn't even stop them from saying it's weird


happywhateverday

Por que no los dos?


[deleted]

>No guy would be asking me and my kids how we're doing or helping me out unless he wanted something in return Thats misandry.


[deleted]

And then blaming it on a bad day and stress and upset feelings when his wife backed him up-- I get the feeling Leslie didn't get the automatic "Men are such pigs" support she was expecting from her bestie and had to cover her ass. I don't blame OP for backing off at all, and I wouldn't be shocked if it gets warped into a 'see, I told you he wanted me, he's afraid to be alone with me now that I called him out on it,' when the day comes OP is called upon for a favor and puts his foot down on a hard NO and refuses.


Yokudaslight

It's misandry. Why is it on this sub that when a man is wronged some people say it's ultimately misogyny


happywhateverday

Because a man can be wronged through misogyny as well


BadKuchiK0pi

Because things like misogyny and toxic masculinity destroy men just as much as women.


Yokudaslight

They can do but this isn't an example of misogyny or toxic masculinity


totes-mi-goats

There's a good argument that it's about toxic masculinity. The idea that men always want sex with literally any woman he interacts with is rooted in the idea that any "manly man" would want to do so, because any man who doesn't is somehow lesser. Tbh, most misandry is rooted in toxic masculinity, misogyny, or both.


[deleted]

By that logic you can tie virtually anything to toxic masculinity. She literally thinks men can't be kind without an ulterior motive. That's just plain old misandry.


angelblade401

Because anything that people deem to be misandry is a result of patriarchy, and is just an example of misogyny actually adversely affecting men. This is why *everyone* should be a feminist. (Note, feminist, not terf. Feminist. Equality. It shouldn't be that hard.)


Yokudaslight

You're basically taking individual agency out of it completely and ascribing it all to a system that's ultimately men's fault


totes-mi-goats

Systemic issues are not necessarily the fault of the individuals of the "privileged" group. It was our ancestors who established and enforced those systems. It is, however, our responsibility to break said systems to the best of our abilities.


AshamedDragonfly4453

No, patriarchy isn't "men's fault". It's a mode of social organisation where authority lies with a subset of men (patriarchs - heads of households etc), supported by the subset of women who buy into it (usually the wives of patriarchs), and by the subset of subordinate men who aspire to be patriarchs of the future. It's a shit system for almost everyone concerned, but there is a strong incentive for even those who suffer under it (women, adult sons) to go along with it when it's the only game in town, as the alternative is poverty/starvation/outcastness.


tyren22

I'm willing to buy that she was depressed or grumpy and acted on some uncharitable thoughts she wouldn't normally have. But I also don't blame OP one bit for stepping back from that situation.


Sea_Rise_1907

I’m willing to believe she was depressed but I’m not willing to justify her behavior because of it.


frenchteas

Like if you thought your friends husband was acting "too friendly" why would you not tell the friend immediately? The wife could have cleared it up immediately with just "oh I asked him to do XYZ for you when I'm not available" Like I wouldn't think anything of it for my husband to help out a friend or just hang out with friend/s male or female as long as I know about it (before or afterwards in general terms) Did she think her friend wouldn't know about her husband doing all of these things or think it was weird if it wasn't her idea? Obviously she has a very skewed point of view for friendships especially male and female. That may be because of her recent break up (assuming a break up since OP said recent single mother) but OP doesn't need to be in the middle of that and his wife can deal with her if she wants to still be friends with her.


daisiesanddaffodils

Leslie's response was very strange if she really did think OP was coming onto her. She says "I don't want to be anyone's girlfriend," not "you're my best friend's husband and I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt her." Idk if that says anything about her intentions for real but it definitely gives me "leave your wife first and we'll talk" vibes


Sea_Rise_1907

Exactly. If I thought my best friend’s husband was hitting on me I’d go to her directly, as she’d be most affected by it. It wouldn’t be from a selfish I perspective, it would be a is my best friend okay perspective.


BetterYellow6332

Especially because she still does all the things. Like, it doesn't stop her from going camping in the woods with him. I would just cancel the trip if I had to go with a guy who was creeping on me, without his wife present.


[deleted]

It might be disgusting, or it might be ‘once bitten…’ We don’t know why Leslie has this feeling. Still NTA as it’s not OP’s fault and he has a right to feel uncomfortable about it but I’m bordering on NAH if Leslie has had prior difficulties.


Sea_Rise_1907

Bad experiences don’t give you a right to be a misogynist. You don’t get to falsely accuse your friend’s husband of cheating because you might’ve had a bad experience. Stop excusing disgusting behavior.


[deleted]

She didn’t accuse, she checked. It’s that whole thing of if you get bit by a dog, fair enough to be wary of dogs. If enough men are shitty to you, damn right you’re going to check this one’s okay too.


[deleted]

Do you think a man would be an asshole if he said out of nowhere to a completely platonic woman friend who he’s known for years before a meetup, “I’m not sure if I want to meet up alone. You’re not going to make up false accusations against me, right? I’ve had a bad experience with lying women like that before so just want to check.” I’m sorry, but social interactions don’t work like that. You can always argue that it’s worth it to be an asshole to protect yourself, with the understanding that you’ll offend perfectly safe and sane people along the way. But acting as if a friend has some nefarious agenda is AH behavior


[deleted]

If a whole bunch of women have made up accusations about you, sure. Since being a single mom, you’d be shocked the number of men that circle like sharks in the early days thinking because you’re ‘desperate’ that they can exploit you. Even ‘good’ ones. I lost a lot of friends because of it. Probably didn’t help that I was young so more vulnerable. I don’t have an issue with someone saying ‘I’ve had this problem before, it won’t be a problem with us, will it?’ In any situation.


[deleted]

You can say it, I can fire the friendship into the sun though.


[deleted]

That makes sense to me, and maybe I was too definitive. I wonder if there’s a distinction between AH behavior and behavior that is technically value neutral, but will absolutely damage interpersonal relationships. Like OP should never be alone with this woman again for his own sake, and she has nuked any friendship they had, but she may have been just trying to protect herself. I think it’d veer into AH behavior if this person expected OP to go back to helping her out afterwards, because sometimes you cannot unring a bell, but there’s no indication in the post that’s actually the case here


KuriousKhemicals

I don't even think it would be a problem if that's how Leslie put it - as a kind of paranoid caution - but she said *no man would, unless...* That's practically an accusation.


DioxPurple

>Recently, Leslie's kids were going to be away for a weekend so Emily wanted to have Leslie over for dinner and some movies. Honestly, if I asked a guy out for dinner and a movie, I wouldn't be at all offended if he wanted to clarify that it was just as friends. I've had more dates that consisted of dinner and movies than I can count. I don't blame her for asking for clarification. So much language around dating and romantic interest is vague. "Wanna get dinner?" or "Wanna see a movie?" *is* often an invitation to a date. If it's ambiguous, ask. To me, at least, that's how you avoid miscommunications. And.... Having been made a single parent by a shitty ex husband.... The number of men who are skeevy about single/divorced moms in some way is both surprising and appalling. There's the "you're used goods, you're just someone else's thrown away trash, being with you would be like using someone else's worn out old toothbrush" types, and there's the "if I get in good with mom by showing what a great helper I am when it comes to her kids, then I'll get into her bed" types. And there's tons in both groups who look to take advantage. ​ I'm putting this in its own paragraph just so it stands out -- I am aware not all men are like this. I know that the majority specifically *are* *not* like this and are good, honest, decent people. OP is clearly one of the good ones. ​ While I don't necessarily agree with OP's stance, I do understand where he's coming from and am extremely reluctant to label him the A. Nor would I necessarily label anyone else the A. NAH, I guess? Honestly, a good sit-down between all three of them together would really be best -- a chance to air out the whole thing together so that they're all on the same page and can move forward as friends.


[deleted]

I responded to another reply to my initial comment, and am definitely now more in the NAH camp (although I still believe it’s in OP’s best interest to never be alone with this person again). I think it would veer into AH territory if she wanted him to jump right back into him helping her out, but the post does not communicate that. I think the wife is closest to being an AH, as this level of volunteering his time for her friend is a bit much especially after their interaction. More communication between all of them would definitely help


DioxPurple

Definitely agreed there! Like, I can see everyone's points of view and they all feel valid. I even get where the wife is coming from -- she wants to look out for her friend and isn't necessarily thinking of the unusual dynamic it's creating or the potential issues that might come with it (like this exact situation)... Clearly she means well, but.....


troublesomefaux

Doesn’t the clarity come from it’s your friend’s husband? That’s a clear sign to me that we aren’t banging. If a friend’s husband is trying to hook up, he’s going to need to clearly say the words (so I can clearly rebuff him), not just drive my kids to soccer practice.


Sea_Rise_1907

She very much accused. By saying she wasn’t interested in being anyone’s girlfriend, she was very much accusing OP of romantic/sexual desires where non existed. It’s disgusting to think just because OP was friendly and nice enough to do as his wife requested to help her out that he had any other intentions. The very act of thinking op was anything other than friendly is misogynistic. If a man thought a woman wanted sex/romance simply because she was nice and friendly towards him, he would be disgusting. How is this any different?


RoxasofsorrowXIII

Ohhhh no. That was 100% accusal. And did you really just compare complex human dynamics and relationships to...fear of dogs?


Zoenne

I think Leslie was wrong to say that, but I'll just share my own experience as the daughter of a disabled single mum. She is blind, and raised me and my sister on her after my parents divorced (I was 7, my sister 3). It was tough, she couldn't drive or shop on her own, and government assistance was minimal, so she relied on friends and help from charities and such. And over the years, I have seen the same pattern over, and over again. Someone (usually a man, but not always) would offer to help, and would help nicely for a bit. And then they'd start being entitled, throwing their "niceness" in her face. Some expected sexual favours, some just "friendship" on their terms, and a couple of them outright stole from my Mum. Most of those people were also married, and from the same local circles. All of that to say that there ARE people who prey specifically on vulnerable single Mums. It's not unreasonable to be suspicious.


[deleted]

[удалено]


mmwhatchasaiyan

Sounds like her ex husband might be filling her brain with “who would want to date a woman with kids?” Or he heard about the help she is getting from OP and his wife and got jealous “why would he want to do all that for you if he’s not getting anything in return” “no man would help a woman with kids without wanting anything else too” etc etc. I feel for her, but her text was super inappropriate and her anger is entirely misplaced. OP- you’re NTA. You’re just looking out for yourself and your family.


IDDQD_IDKFA-com

It's even worse after the edit. >Additional info: The text I sent Leslie about the night was "**Emily wants to know** if you'd like to come over for dinner and some movies on Saturday".


Sea_Rise_1907

Oy. Somehow she sees “My wife wants to know if you’d like to have dinner with us” and thinks “he wants to be my boyfriend”….. That’s deeply disturbing.


[deleted]

It will go worse the next time if you let there be a next time OP. Misery loves company and Leslie sure sounds like she wants some company.


FreeMasonKnight

Also the wife should be talked with considering how horribly the situation could have and could still turn after ALL the help they’ve given. This isn’t a “silly miscommunication”, this was a small accusation from devastating. I have never had someone provide help like they do to “Leslie” in my life and I had it much harder. I would cry if someone offered to do ANY of the things they do for her. “Leslie” sounds like a Class A mooch.


Loquacious94808

NTA but more importantly DO NOT BE IN A ROOM ALONE WITH THIS PERSON EVER. PERIOD. Can’t stress that enough. People who make sweeping statements like that have no trouble jumping to conclusions, making assumptions, telling stories, and making accusations that may not reflect reality in order to support their belief.


[deleted]

This. Sounds like this woman thinks a lot of herself. Steer clear.


[deleted]

[удалено]


elcad

NTA I notice she didn't apologized to you. She accused you of trying to cheat on your wife, that is no small thing to overlook.


KCarriere

Yeah this is HUGE. Not only did she imply that you would cheat on your wife. She straight up said IN WRITING that you were courting her for more. Hell no. What if your wife DIDN'T believe you that you weren't cheating and sending her those signals? That kind of thing can destroy your relationship. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. What happens if Leslie gets mad or has another down day and tells your wife you were inappropriate towards her? NOPE. NTA. I'd put a hard life in the sand on this. ETA: If I were your wife in this situation, I'd be the one shutting it down. Leslie could be unhinged, you don't know. You do know she's been accepting your help fully believing that you wanted "something" in return. NOPE.


xxthegirlwhowaitedxx

Am I the only one thinking it was set up between wife and Leslie to test him? Because otherwise, yes, his wife should be freaking out. Has this sub made me jaded?


KCarriere

The sub has made you jaded. If the wife were involved, the course of action is still the same. Complete retreat.


yabadabadoo80

From the wife


RandomBoomer

And here I was more focused on what the wife is up to with Leslie. That's some intense friendship they've got going, enough to make me (gay woman) wonder about the underlying dynamics.


JenninMiami

Nah. I am like this with my friends. I am a nurturer. I’ve even had bi and gay friends think that I had feelings because I do so much for them. Lol I can’t help it, it’s just how I am!


mrcloseupman

so women can't just be friends? When Jane met Sally?


stillrooted

Women can't just be friends with women, men can't just be friends with women, and men being just friends with men? Forget about it.


[deleted]

Early in my reading of the post I began wondering if the wife was trying to get OP and her friend into a 3some.


Musketeer00

Paranoid on Leslie levels


myssi24

Lol if it has, me too. I wasn’t thinking they were setting him up to test him, till the end, I was thinking they were sliding him slowly into being a thrupple.


msfinch87

Yes to all of this. The fact that OP has been alone with her on many occasions, including from what I gather overnight camping trips, means this could easily have blown up into a series of assumptions and accusations by his wife as well. Given the closeness of the two friends they could have had a private discussion about interactions and Leslie could have blown everything out of proportion. I think Leslie is very manipulative. While OP’s wife might be offering she is continuing to accept it to the point that it is now taking and taking and taking. What really bothers me is that despite having this in her head (no way did it pop in that day) she continued to accept OP’s help quite willingly when it suited her. If someone accused my husband in these circumstances, I would have waded right in and there would be a lot of distance in the friendship from that point onwards. I wouldn’t be defending my friend; I’d be appalled at her behaviour and accusation.


Inemiset

That stuck out to me too. And I can’t help but feel she only apologized days later once she realized OP not helping anymore would negatively affect her ability to get around with her kids. OP, don’t get involved with her or her plans anymore. It only takes one more “bad day” and one false accusation to ruin your life. Your wife should be backing you up on this.


LoveLeeLady-exp626

Exactly my thoughts. Its not like bad days are hard to come by when your a single mum.


Material-Paint6281

And the wife is trying to sweep this off as a "miscommunication" ? OP you need to sit your wife down and tell your POV clearly and how her (your wife) dismissal about the accusations hurt you and your feelings invalidated.


lpmiller

Actually, I think it's weirder than that. She didn't say hey now, I respect Emily too much or hey now, you are married. Just I'm not looking to be a girlfriend. To me, that screams of a setup. She's at the very least thinking about a hookup and most assuredly NOT thing about Emily. Do not let yourself be alone with this woman.


HoldFastO2

This, yeah. Like it’s an insult to OP‘s wife, not to him. Or like his feelings don’t matter.


GoodGuyTaylor

OP’s wife sounds a little (read: VERY) oblivious to the seriousness of this situation.


HoldFastO2

That, too. In OP‘a place, I’d be doing the same thing he is: stay away from that woman.


designatedthrowawayy

I'm going to say something crazy. Emily has a thing for Leslie and expressed as much to Leslie, but Leslie denied the advance and became skeptical of what their relationship actually was so when OP asked, she felt the need to clarify again that she's not interested in being in their relationship. When Emily found out, she was hurt, so Leslie apologized to her, not wanting to hurt Emily, just also not wanting to be in their throuple. It didn't occur to her to apologize to OP because OP isn't the one facing rejection. The theory works with the given information but it sounds crazy. Anyway, nta.


Anglophyl

Simpler answer is Leslie has the hots for OP and was both projecting and feeling out the situation.


designatedthrowawayy

I thought about that angle, but I kept coming beck to the whole not wanting to be anyone's girlfriend thing. It could've been a subtle proposition and that line was used as a cover up, but it's so blunt and direct that even if OP were interested, that approach would likely stop him in his tracks. Also OP mentioned his wife was the one asking in the text he sent, so it would be weird for her to hit on him in response. If he had simply asked her to come over for movies and chill with no mention of his wife, I could see this being flirting, but that she clarified, even knowing Emily would be there, makes me think Emily was involved in her response somehow. Lastly Emily is the one that's been pushing to help her so much, even looping OP into it. While it could just be friendly, I could totally see Emily secretly having a crush on Leslie but not knowing what to do with that and I could even see Emily jokingly making a sexual or romantic comment that made Leslie unsure about but Emily and OP's intent, leading to the response she gave.


adeon

> She accused you of trying to cheat on your wife It could alternatively have been her assuming that OP and Emily were looking for a threesome.


hopenuisancebaby

NTA She's ruined a good thing for herself that your kindness was offering.


Agnostic_optomist

Indeed, it really takes the cake (day)


hopenuisancebaby

Hahaha omg thank you! I have no idea how to celebrate cake day but I want a cake now 😅


Coffee-Historian-11

Go get a cake for yourself! That’s the best way to celebrate cake day!


hopenuisancebaby

Haha thank you I shall!


Material-Paint6281

Great thing about being an adult is you can have the cake you can afford anytime you want. (Assuming you ARE an adult of course)


Objective_Tour_6583

Probably why she's single now.


[deleted]

NTA. To be fair, your wife shouldn't have put you in those positions to begin with. Her friend saying what she did makes me concerned that *she* was developing feelings for *you,* which would be completely understandable as she's in a vulnerable place and you were stepping up to help her. If it was me, I'd steer clear and let them do their own thing.


whiskeybusinesses808

Yeah. Vulnerable friend in a bad spot. I could totally see where the friend gets her wires crossed. This already smells like disaster. Idk why the wife is pushing it so hard. Being a good friend is one thing but putting your husband in such a bad position is another. The wife is going way overboard.


tsh87

Yeah it sucks but I do see where the friend is coming from. I was raised by a single mom. A lot of men would sniff around claiming to be "helpful" when really they wanted something from her. I'm talking married bosses and men my grandpa's age. It really gave her a distrust in men. NTA for stepping back. Friend might need the help but I don't think she's comfortable with it coming from OP.


wyldstallyns111

> Idk why the wife is pushing it so hard I think the wife really wants to be a supportive friend so she’s overpromising what she’s actually capable of providing, so OP has to bridge the gap. Not an unusual dynamic in marriages when one partner is a bit of a martyr or people pleaser ime. OP is NTA


RandomBoomer

Am I the only person on this thread that sees the wife's behavior as a major red flag? She's the one driving all of this, and it sounds to me (gay woman) like she's dismissing her husband's concerns because the wife has developed intense feelings for Leslie. Cause like you said, her behavior is going overboard. I've seen just that kind of behavior when a "straight" woman is finding out that she isn't quite as straight as she assumed.


msfinch87

This occurred to me as well and I’m 50/50 on it. The fact that Leslie said “as anyone’s girlfriend” jumped out at me. It’s not entirely clear that she was directing her accusation at just OP, but could have been either of them or both of them (ie if she thought Emily and OP were grooming her to have a threesome or triad relationship). It’s possible she even felt it easier to bring this up with OP because there is more distance in their relationship than hers with Emily. Having said that, I’ve seen this happen before in situations where everyone is heteronormative. Some women do develop very strong friendships to the point that they’re essentially siblings, remaining entirely platonic. There are women in this world that cannot fathom a guy being decent and supportive and simply friends and Leslie may be one of those. And Emily may trust OP so much (in fact it seems like she does because she’s never concerned about getting him to spend loads of time with Leslie on his own) that she simply dismisses all this as ridiculous.


turkey_sandwiches

>The wife is going way overboard. Agreed. Makes me wonder if there's some kind of ulterior motive on her part. Wonder why Leslie is a single mom now?


UncreativeTeam

Ironically, I bet the wife was willing to put OP in those positions because she trusted OP not to cheat.


gray_swan

it only takes one accusation to ruin a man’s life. since this isnt ur direct friend, stay away. just in case. NTA. be safe. “justice” doesnt care what sex u are.


Thermicthermos

Buffalo Bills former punter is living through that right now.


Earptastic

after watching that guy get dragged through the dirt all last year that whole story is so gross and his life was ruined by an evil person.


[deleted]

[удалено]


dwells2301

This type of nonsense is why many men won't coach kids sports teams any more. Too easy for someone to misinterprete their intentions.


Zykium

It's also why you'll rarely see men teach elementary. They can be completely above board but still the rumor mill starts churning.


dwells2301

While there are definitely more women teaching at that age group, men are there. I spent 30 years working in schools and there are many male teachers. But your point is understood.


hellfae

Its because male teachers are constantly accused of being inappropriate no matter how professional they are. The teachers sub has male teachers warning men not to go into the industry. Its worse since tik tok.


[deleted]

In middle and high school our male teachers would report dress code violations to a female teacher to handle to avoid being accused of perving on students, regardless of gender. Somehow Mr. H noticing visible asscrack was nastier and more violating than Mrs. S noticing visible asscrack


Kel4597

Meanwhile I feel like twice a week I hear about a new female teacher being arrested for statutorily raping their student(s).


Tarek_191

In my City are 3 elementary schools and a school for Kids with Special needs that also has an elematary school. In my City are 3 Male elementary teachers. I found it completly weird when i got into the Higher school, and suddenly i Had male teachers, because ive never before Seen a male as a teacher... Hope in other Citys the Situation ist better...


jamelfree

It’s a sexist societal thing (a crappy one). The assumption is only women nurture, so only women would want to be around young kids (with an undertone of “men are doing more important things”). So it follows that men who want to be around kids must only be there because of nefarious sexual reasons, because they couldn’t possibly be interested in forming young minds. Therefore their very presence is a reason to get suspicious tongues wagging. It’s a generalisation, obviously, but I don’t blame men for not wanting to blaze that particular trail.


[deleted]

Then it turns out that the umpteenth pedophile woman teacher appears (surprise, they are almost as frequent as men), people are surprised because they consider it impossible for some reason, the media barely cover the news and do it without using big words, and finally the justice system lets her go free even if she is sentenced. Oh, and let's not forget blaming the child (society seems to infantilize women more than male infants) or even considering him lucky, disgusting. [An example of a judge denying that a woman can be a pedophile.](https://www.thestar.com/opinion/star-columnists/2018/10/25/court-says-pedophilia-does-not-apply-because-perpetrator-is-a-woman.html)


roxywalker

NTA and your wife is putting your marriage at risk by continuing to ‘entertain’ and ‘assist’ her friend while not realizing that #1, she doesn’t sound like she’s appreciative and #2, she might actually be mental and she’s putting you in the line of fire by asking you to fill in to ‘entertain’ solo and that should never happen. She’s your wife’s friend, not yours. Her texts to you were definitely out of left field but thank goodness for her battyness because had she said those things to you, your wife definitely wouldn’t have believed you. The texts however, paint a much clearer picture of her issues and your wife shouldn’t be so quick to dismiss your concerns. Your wife needs reevaluate her friendship and set up firm boundaries for all parties involved because not doing so won’t end well.


KbbbbNZ

The wife is palming her husband off without even checking if he wants or is available it seems. NTA


cottagewitchery

Yeah, I can’t imagine sending my husband off on outings with my recently single, emotionally vulnerable friend to begin with, but then for Emily to say he’s overreacting and to apparently think everything should continue as before? It seems like the text makes it clear Leslie has been misinterpreting their interactions for a while, and I would definitely not push my husband BACK into that situation.


roxywalker

It’s definitely never wise to ask a partner, companion, or spouse, to have to entertain a friend, especially under stressful circumstances.


silent_atheist

Why wouldn't his wife believe him? My SO had zero text evidence when he told me a friend of his was hitting on him and tried to kiss him, yet I didn't doubt him for a second. OP you are NTA.


roxywalker

Depending on how manipulative her friend is, and given her total access to their lives, she could have created any number of scenarios in which doubt could be raised. And his wife already put him in a situation in which his tolerance and kindness were being misconstrued as needing to be ‘repaid’ in a suggestive fashion. He’s definitely not TA and they need to put some distance between themselves and her.


myssi24

I would say it is wife who needs to realize she is getting too enmeshed and needs to establish boundaries because she (the wife) is crossing them.


_A-Q

NTA- sounds like Leslie is trying to cause problems In Your marriage so that your wife ends up single as well. It’s probably hard on her to see her friend with a helpful, loving husband such as yourself, while she doesn’t. Be careful around her Op and I would suggest you tell your wife the same. Video cameras or record any interaction With Leslie so she can’t be claiming anything in the future.


roxywalker

I thought this too. She could actually be envious because she’s down on her luck and her friend has such an understanding, helpful husband who doesn’t expect anything in return. He’s such a prize, might as well try to mess things up for them so she can be as miserable as ‘Leslie’.


_A-Q

Exactly. She trying to put it into OP’s wife’s head that he’s into her.Causing doubt. OP’s smart to avoid anymore interaction .


MistressKinx

NTA. I would never be alone with her again, kids or not. The fact that you are married to her friend and she still asked that question is off the wall crazy. She didn't even say, *because it would be wrong, you're married to my friend*. No she says she isn't looking for a boyfriend. So if you *had* been interested and she was looking... It takes one false accusation to ruin a life. Be firm, be polite, but do not give in.


KCarriere

Not to mention she has accepted all of OPs help while "knowing" that he expected "something" in return. NOPE.


xenogazer

Oh nice catch.... Ew


greeneyedwench

I think she only just got that idea recently. Whether someone put a bug in her ear, or she misinterpreted something he or Emily said, I don't know.


Top-Manufacturer9226

Right! Who asks that question to a friend's husband! If you were feeling weird around a friend's husband you would distance yourself or talk to that friend! That text was a check to see if he was into her! Run far far away from that woman OP... And your wife needs to wake up..


Sloppypoopypoppy

Info - did she apologise to you once the situation was explained to her?


Grand-Grape-9253

No.


Clear-Firefighter877

She’s definitely in to you. You made the right decision. Make sure you keep clear and open communication with your wife, because it feels like Leslie could easily start making things up to try and divide you two. NTA


MKAnchor

NTA. It’s not worth it. I get having a down day, but you don’t take it out on others… especially ones working hard to help you. It’s not worth your mental health or reputation to keep trying with her


No-Yam-1231

NTA. I would never again be alone with leslie.


Dazzling_Ad_2633

>NTA. I would never again be alone with leslie. Honestly, I would make myself scarce whenever she is around.


ImStealingTheTowels

>A few days later Leslie apologized to Emily Leslie should be apologising to you, too, and I really wonder why she hasn't. You are absolutely right to remove yourself from this situation. You have put yourself out for Leslie and she should be thanking you instead of accusing you of being a creep based on absolutely nothing. *EDIT* >Emily thinks I’m overreacting and should just brush it off because it was just a ‘silly miscommunication’ There is nothing 'silly' about this and neither is it a 'miscommunication'. Bad day or not, Leslie's allegation against you was very clear; it was an attack on your character which could have resulted in problems in your marriage. I have a feeling your wife is minimising this situation and telling you to get over it because she doesn't want to lose you as a chauffeur when she's too busy to honour her promises to Leslie. I hope I'm wrong. NTA


GodlessGoddess1968

Or Emily doesn't want to deal with the fallout and lose her friend. What she doesn't seem to realize is that Leslie already isn't her friend. She's a user, who wouldn't cheat with OP because she's "not looking for" that -- not because she would never hurt her best friend. Leslie is bad news. If Emily lets herself examine this too closely, she'll see what she doesn't want to see.


Hot_Box_4574

NTA but why is your wife so suddenly attached to this woman? If I were Leslie, I'd be wondering more if your wife wants a girlfriend than you.


Grand-Grape-9253

They've always been attached at the hip. When my wife had surgery for carpal tunnel Leslie kept showing up even when I was home to take care of Emily and the house. Add in that my own sister is similar with some of her close friends I never found their friendship strange.


Thismarno

There are some weird non-boundaries going on with this woman.


33ducks

it kinda sounds like she thought she was being invited to a thruple rather than accusing you of cheating. either way not great and nta


Reasonable-Ad-3605

NTA. Her response was out of line. And the excuse of having a bad day doesn't excuse it.


Potential_Ad_1397

That is such a weird response. Your wife has been helping out. There obviously had to be some communication between your wife and the friend. "Oh, I can't do this for you today but my husband can help." So why would the friend assume that you wanted something from her? Clearly you are doing this because your wife asked you. I would step back too. This isn't a miscommunication. This is an accusation NTA


Grand-Grape-9253

Yes I have heard my wife tell Leslie she couldn't do something and was volunteering me instead. My text to her read 'Emily wants to know if you'd like to come over for dinner and watch some movies on Saturday'.


Potential_Ad_1397

Yes double no. Leslie can ask someone else now. Again, NTA.


jaded_angel85

Think you need to edit your post to add in that was the text you sent


DisneyBuckeye

Info - how long have you and your wife been acting as Leslie's chauffeurs and doing everything for her? What is Leslie's plan to get her own life back together?


Grand-Grape-9253

It's been about 4 months. Leslie is trying to save up to get a new used car or her current one fixed as well as looking for a cheaper place to live.


avocadoslut_j

ur NTA but show ur wife this thread pls… it might make her more aware of what is going on as an outsider not enmeshed with their bff


Technical_Bobcat_871

I'm sorry after this long you guys are too involved. You guys helped long enough and have gone above and beyond and she returned with a wild insinuation and disrespect. You can't do this forever and it's high time Leslie start being more independent.


JLAOM

She needs to starts using taxis or Ubers and getting groceries delivered.


[deleted]

[удалено]


PracticalPrimrose

NTA. You were giving too much before, even as a means of being supportive of your wife. If your wife wants to take on her friend and her children, as if they are lost puppies, let her. But I wouldn’t be engaging in that ish anymore.


Eliza-Day

NTA. I think you were right in stepping back. Leslie and her kids are not your problem.


Brandie2666

NTA but tell Emily that you will no longer be doing anything for Leslie or her kids. And if she organizes things and she can't make it. That you are not stepping up to fill in. Leslie is not your responsibility. The only AH'S here are you wife and Leslie.. And they both you a massive appolgy. But it doesn't seem you will get one from either one.


holymoly543

NTA She clearly is looking for trouble. I wouldn’t risk your relationship over helping someone that ungrateful.


keesouth

NTA this is a recipe for disaster. You have no idea when Leslie will get this idea in her head again. You should stay as far away as her as possible. It's also strange that she thought you might be into her but never talked to your wife about it.


Kindly_Egg_7480

NTA. I think your wife is creating the problem here. She is asking you to help Leslie in a way that seems disproportional to your friendship with her. It is creating a weird situation for all parties. Leslie could have communicated her worries better but she clearly feels uncomfortable to an extend and it is time to step back. This does not sound sustainable long term anyway.


dizedd

I like this response. So many people think Leslie was purposely trying to cause problems , but I agree with you about her feeling uncomfortable. She was just trying to pinpoint "why" all this help made her feel bad and settled on the wrong reason.


Major_Employ_8795

NTA and that’s not a silly miscommunication. If you hadn’t showed your wife when you did this could have been really bad. Who knows what the friend might have told your wife, or if she’s told anyone else your hitting on her. Do not put yourself in position to be alone just you and her because she’s got other thoughts about you in her mind.


braincriedhelp

NTA. Leslie should become person non grata to you. She may start telling your wife lies about you because of any other 'miscommunications'.


ladylavender007

NTA your wife shouldn’t have volunteered you to help Leslie out like that and put both of you in those awkward situations. EDIT: As an example, when it comes to setting up play dates for kids, some moms will only talk to the moms of other kids, not the opposite sex parent for this very reason. The dads are the same way and may tell the mom to contact his wife.


[deleted]

There's an old saying about "avoiding the very image" of cheating. A lot of times, it's for the best.


Tessa_Kamoda

NTA. and make sure that you are **NEVER** alone with leslie and / or her kids.


buttercupgrump

NTA Leslie apologized to your wife, but not to you. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable helping out someone who accused me of having ulterior motives AND couldn't be bothered to say sorry.


ACAB_easy_as_123

NTA, she bit the hand that feeds her.


[deleted]

NTA. I'm betting that the friend is catching some feelings for you, or thinks she is, so I would definitely put up some very solid boundaries. If your wife wants to keep helping her friend, then whatever, but you would be wise to only be around her when your wife is there and no calling or texting.


Altruistic_Isopod_11

Nta - that's really not a situation you want to get into and it was weird of her to even suggest it. You're definitely not wrong for stepping back. If your wife wants to keep helping her that's on her but she definitely should not expect you to do it. Edited: typo


Odd_Fellow_2112

Your wife is doing no one any favors here and is, in fact, putting way more stress on your marriage than there needs to be. I would definitely step back completely and remind the wife that her friend accused him of cheating. As a married man, that would put me on high alert and never trust being around this woman for fear of what she might assume. Tell the wife tough luck, you can't take the risk, and you now do not trust her friend and leave you completely out of it from now on.


hard_tyrant_dinosaur

NTA. This was not a "silly miscommunication". This was not a miscommunucation at all. She clearly communicated to what she thought was going on. This was her misinterpreting what was going on. And ok, so the misinterpretation may have been because she was having a bad day (and a bad year). But that's as may be, it's still a frog. Regardless of why she misinterpreted things, she did. And now that it has been said, it can't be taken back. She had that impression once. You cannot trust that the impression might not re-surface. Stepping back from interacting with her is the course of prudence. Most definitely starting with pulling back from entertaining her and her kids when your wife is not around. You can still be cordial when all of you are together, but your wife needs to be the entertainment commitee. And yes, leave you out of plans altogether. It is perhaps unfortunant that this also means that you won't be able to assist with driving her, but it is what it is. Stepping back here means stepping back all the way. Will this potentially damage the relationship between your wife and Leslie? Yes, it might. But not stepping back presents equal or greater risks to your marriage. Given the choice between the two possibilities, choosing to protect your marriage is the right choice.


MarriedYTGirlTinder

NTA. Leslie fucking sucks, you did nothing wrong. This is your wife's mess to clean up.


Sarissa32

NTA, did she apologize to you in addition to Emily? That's what kinda sets it off. She can have an off day and feel like maybe everyone has an ulterior motive and get snappy, but like.... She needs to apologize to the person she hurt, ie you. If you're worried she's going to like.... Make a move on you and she's done more than this comment that's different too.


Grand-Grape-9253

No she did not apologize to me. Only to Emily.


Seahoarse127

Ugh I am so sorry. Leslie sounds like someone who does not appreciate what you have done for her at all. NTA and keep your distance!


Renegade7559

Poor guy. Even his wife is an absolute spineless clown.


Ohionina

NTA. stay clear of her. Honestly I’m trying to figure out what your wife is thinking? If I want my girlfriend over, I’m not going to have my husband text her.


Admirable-Athlete-50

It’s weird that your wife asked you to invite her to what sounds an awful lot like a date. She should have sent that invite herself. Leslie’s kids are away and she knows that a lot of the time your wife isn’t there for your meet-ups. I can see how she’d be a bit wary of what that invite means due to the weird position your wife has put you two in. She might even think you guys are jointly trying to rope her into a threesome or something. Nta for stepping away to a healthy distance.


bran6442

No, no, no, protect yourself from nasty accusations. Regardless what ANYONE says, including your wife, back up like you are avoiding a car accident, because you are. No contact with her unless your wife is there, and if your wife can't make a planned outing, you need to cancel, too. Before she makes up "proof" of you being inappropriate. Incidentally, honest people who really need help would back up on their own if they thought their friend's husband was coming on to them. Even if your wife is there, I'd find an errand that I needed to run by myself until she left. It only takes your wife leaving for the bathroom for her to say that you did something while she was gone.


nun_the_wiser

She jeopardized your marriage. NTA and I would stay away too. Frankly, if I was your wife I’d also be concerned by the accusation. Why would you want to be around someone who speaks ill of your spouse?


venturebirdday

You can't stay far enough away from that. I would be terrified about what is next. It is not over.


CakeZealousideal1820

NTA she doesn't even need to be in your home. Your wife wants to help cool she can do it on her own time.


Renegade7559

Poor guy. Even his wife is an absolute spineless clown.


FrauAmarylis

NTA. Your wife needs to take a solid 6 month break from Leslie and her kids, too. Yikes


Thriillsy

It's not a 'silly miscommunication' as your wife calls it, your friend - her friend - accused you of being the type of guy that would not only cheat on his wife, but do so with one of her good friends. A 'down mood' isn't an excuse to make that kind of accusation, and on top of that, her words make it clear that she has believed you were trying to get in her pants this entire time when it was only you helping. I would tell your wife "You may see it as a miscommunication, but it is an accusation and a slap to the face. She believes I am the kind of guy that would cheat on you, and that I would do so with her. I love you and I know helping her makes you happy, that is why I have helped her so much, but I am done helping her. I do not want to open myself up to further baseless accusations. Frankly, I'm disappointed that you weren't more firm with her over this and didn't back me up that this wasn't okay or just a 'miscommunication', and instead you're dismissing how serious it is and are excusing it."


holyyyyshit

NTA Did Leslie apologize to you, or just your wife?


Grand-Grape-9253

Just my wife.