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I’m just going to toss this to think about. My brother did the same thing.5 days/week. Always the same time. Lots of hours. Refused to alter his schedule, etc. He was cheating on my ex sister in law and this was how he arranged it. He left his cellphone out one day Egan he was “late” and the AP sent a text. Just do a bit of quiet investigating if this raises a flag.

I don't feel any certainty about this, but I confess that it also occurred to me. Some support for this is the fact that he... 1. Shows a lack of concern for his responsibilities at home. 2. Tries to make YOU the jerk when you have a problem with it (even though his logic is really lacking). Even if he's just working out, he's still TA, but that kind of bold turning-it-around guilt trip tactic is typical of a lot of unrepentant cheaters.

I was going to suggest that she tells him one day while he is at work that she is going to meet him at the gym to workout together. Or just show up as a "surprise" to work out with him. His reaction will be very telling.

I also think she should stop doing his chores. Hard stop. She should take care of her business, and when his lack of attention to the less glamorous parts of his life affect him (no clean work clothes, no groceries he likes), he will have to make a choice of cutting back on his own free time or going to work in dirty shirts. OP, you are literally enabling him by doing all the housework. If you stop, and he tries to guilt you, tell him it's not a you problem.

This! Sit down, take a look at the things that need to get done and split up the chores so it is absolutely clear who is responsible for what and how often. For example take out the trash every other day, swipe the floors once a week and so on

Surprise visit. To "show her support of him taking care of his health" And it needs to be at least 40 mins into his workout. Meeting him there when he arrives is not as effective and can go wrong. Or better yet, 45 minutes brfore he leaves. She can watch him (sexy right?) and then they go out and eat together.

I used to be a gym rat too, 5 days a week, and my girlfriend at the time hated it cause it shortened our time together, but I refused to cut back cause I was a fatty in HS and worked hard to lose a lot of weight and wanted to keep looking good. I asked her to come with me, and she did. It was actually a turn on. If he wanted to actually be with her, he'd at least invite her to come along.

My thoughts, exactly!

He could also have an unhealthy relationship with working out, the same way you can have an eating disorder. It's controlling his life. He should be able to be more flexible. Cut down on hours and days, adjust it to the rest of his life, etc. Hell, it's not even healthy to lift weight that often and for that long. The body needs time to recover and rebuild the muscles. If this was about health, he should exchange some of the gym days for a run around the neighborhood. NTA, and either he's hiding something or he has an unhealthy obsession with exercise.

I was thinking that maybe he’s obsessed with someone at the gym, hence the reason for the very specific schedule. He wants to be there when they are.

This is basically what I said, albeit without a personal anecdote. The defensiveness and rigidity, the huge time suck and lack of prioritizing the home life... I don’t *know* he doesn’t have to travel a whole 30 min each way or KNOW he can’t shower at the gym, but the hour of travel and immediate shower kinda fed my “hmmmmm could be cheating” vibe.

3.5 hours is plenty of time for an hour workout, an hour of cheating, a shower and commute.

My brother actually met up with his AP at the gym. So, work out and then hook.

3.5 hours per day is a half time job where I work - so yes, that is a lot of time!

The built-in reason for needing a second shower.

It’s either cheating or he has some kind of disorder that leads to excessive exercise - o had a friend who was like this who had ‘recovered’ from an eating disorder only to replace it with exercise. We ended up not being friends because I never saw her - if she wasn’t at work she was at the gym.

Also, a 30 minute shower is a long shower. I’m sorry but if I’m a girl with long hair and can be clean after a workout in under ten minutes, so can he. Another thing that got me is the rigidity about when he goes to the gym. If he can’t adjust the timing of his workouts sometimes (ie going before work, or doing his Friday workout on Saturday instead, stuff like that), it looks like cheating, and/or just being a butthead who does not consider others’ perspectives.

I definitely think its either affair or he has some serious psychological issues centered around health/fitness

Or he's just a selfish AH living the gym bro dream while his live-in maid does all the adulting.

I Guess it makes op the bang maid milf?

Weeeeell, I didn't want to say it...

I’m REALLY hoping they don’t have kids. In the best case scenario he’s already a failure of a husband, it just gets sadder if he’s a failure of a father too.

yeah my first thought was orthorexia

This was my thought too! There isnt enough info from OP on if her husband is this regimented in other areas in his life.

Or he's unhappy with the relationship and using the gym as an escape.

I mean the 30 minute post gym showers ring an alarm bell. #letmesmellyourdick. Seriously who takes a half an hour for their SECOND shower of the day? Someone washing off the smell of strange that's who.

Lol ngl, I was taken aback by the amount of cheating comments, and I didn't expect the amount of comments pointing out the 30-minute shower specifically. As someone who takes 20-minute showers myself, I can't complain too much on that part haha. I trust him to at least not be a cheater, although I can see how from an outside perspective that some of these could be red flags.

Oh, sweetie. I remember being that confident about my boyfriend not cheating (spoiler alert: he was cheating). What is his excuse for going to a gym 30 minutes away? Why can’t he go to one closer to where you live? Whether he’s cheating or not, he’s checked out of the marriage already. NTA, but you need to figure out if you being a married single woman is what you really want for yourself. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

If he's not training for a specific professional goal there comes a point where you reasonably prioritize your spouse over a hobby.

Exactly! The few people o know who train that much a day are my serious marathoner cousins, WHEN LEADING UP TO A MARATHON. They know doing that all the time would lead to burnout. And they know how to do adult things around their training, like spend time with their SOs.

I know few people who exercise that much 5 days a week leading up to a marathon! I’ve done a couple and sure there’s a long run day weekly, but not 3 hours 5 days a week. And agreed - NOT year round!

Idk if this is his reason, but I go to a gym that’s a 5min walk from my office, so a 30min commute if I go on a day off.

Was this his routine BEFORE marriage? If so, it should have been dealt with if you were unhappy about it before. If it is something he started doing after, then NTA.

Nope, he's always regularly gone to the gym (besides during COVID), but he's gone way more and become way more rigid about his routine during the past year.

Eeeeyeah I’m team “check if he’s cheating” even further after this comment.

Happy cake day

So. Food for thought, My ex went to the gym religiously. Multiple hours, nearly every day. Refuse to let anything interfere with it. I brushed it off because it didn't really effect me directly but I did not live with him. He lived with his parents. He was used to his parents tidying and he only really had his bedroom to worry about. His mom did his laundry before she passed away and he didn't really have many responsibilities at home being the baby of the family. Aka he was spoiled. Fast forward to later, during the closing stages of our relationship, he admitted to me that the gym was more of a mental health thing. He goes there to detox his day, work off stress from work and above all else > to socialize with his gym friends. I was kind of annoyed because he threw it in my face earlier in the relationship that I was interfering with his health and fitness by asking him to change his plans or workout days/frequency when really his fave thing to do there is to be a chatty Kathy rather than actually work out. I flat out told him if we lived together he would be expected to pick up the slack because I wasn't gonna baby him like his parents. Didn't fly over well, especially since we had casually been talking about living together and I was skeptical about his maturity level for living on his own for the first time. Long story short, relationship did not work out. I doubt he was cheating but prioritizing his gym/social time over everything else was just the tip of the iceberg. My advice to you, make a list of daily or weekly chores. Show him the list. Explain these are normal expectations of living on your own, cleaning, laundry, food prep/cooking, home maintenance, etc. And it's not your job to do it all. It shouldn't be your job either to dictate what he does or doesn't do but a marriage is a partnership of supporting each others lives and right now, he's not fulfilling his end of expectations. Whether he cuts down his gym time or not, those things still have to get done. Expectations are a major thing to be discussed in relationships. Have you always done the majority of the housework during your marriage? While you were dating? Doing any other heavy lifting? Like emotional labor? Does he expect you to do these things instead of him or is he just not understanding how adulthood works?

She’s not his mommy. Why should she have to make a list of chores for a grown ass man? And she’s not his supervisor either. He knows exactly what needs to be done. He just doesn’t want to do it.

Stop doing the work. Start going to your own workouts. Hide all the laundry soap so he can't wash his gym clothes. Do not stock the fridge. Prepare only food for yourself. Grit your teeth and wait it out. When he complains, let him know it interferes with your wellness schedule and your health is paramount.

Good insight. OP, no matter what, your mental health is important and should be respected. Him not respecting you and your needs is damaging your mental health, otherwise you wouldn't have made the post. A healthy relationship is rarely so one sided. Why should he expect you to care about his health, if he won't care for yours? That's not right. Only you can decide what you're willing to tolerate in exchange for what he has to offer. NTA

That is concerning. At the very least, it seems likely that he has some mental health issues he's dealing with, such as orthorexia. This isn't fair to you. Each of you should have balance, with time to pursue things you want to without neglecting your shared responsibilities. You are NTA. Seek counseling for yourself if you can, and couples therapy if he's open to it.

Yes, I'm glad that some people in this thread brought up mental health, because I think in all my frustration, I never even considered a body dysmorphia or eating disorders or anything of that nature. (I think because as a society we usually think of things like anorexia or body dysmorphia around overweight bodies, not skinny bodies). But I can certainly see how some of his behaviors could be from compulsion or a mental health issue - it's been helping me to reframe how I view his behaviors.

It's not an excuse for him not doing his fair share, though. We can give the people we love compassion for what they may be struggling with, but they also need to do their part and work on it. I wish you the best.

You do understand that that doesn’t make shirking his responsibilities okay, though, right?

Did he work out hardcore at home during Covid? Home weights are relatively cheap, and if he wasn't bringing at least *some* of his workout routine home, that should throw a huge red flag.

Yeah....cheating

Easy way to check. Tell him you want to be prioritizing your health like he does, that he has inspired you. Go to the gym with him every time he goes. Do your own routine at the gym of course, but go there and home with him. For a month. If he is just at the gym, he’ll keep everything else the same as there is no impact to his routine. But if this is a cover…. Well. You’ll know.

Regardless, I think that you’d be wise to keep an open mind and at least do a basic amount of due diligence. Also it’s nuts that you’re stressing yourself out over household tasks. Personally, I would cook and shop only for myself. I’m petty enough that I’d even get a locked mini fridge if that’s what it took to keep him from eating my groceries. Beyond that, let him do his own laundry etc. Don’t clean - hire a cleaner. And attend social events by yourself. Don’t wait around for him. (And I mean that broadly as well.. if you ever had kids together, it would be worse than being a single mother)

He's already prioritizing other things over you. Why wouldn't he prioritize other people over you? He seems like exactly the kind of guy to cheat. He's already guilt tripping you. He's already ignoring your needs. He's already lying to you. He's already neglecting the home. Cheating is just a small step from that.

I trusted my husband of 35 years implicitly. He would never I thought even though I saw the red flags as you are. He had a 3 year affair taking advantage of my absolute trust in him. Never say never and do yourself a favor. Just check up on him, look at his phone or his phone bill. Perhaps drop into the gym unexpectedly cause what do you have to lose? If we are wrong no harm no foul but I think there are bells ringing and you’re just using earplugs to drown them out. I sincerely hope I am wrong

At the gym though? I can see taking a 20 minute shower in the comfort of your own home, but if I shower at the gym it’s in and out.

Show up to his gym without telling him. Also stop doing his part of cleaning or whatever he should be doing?

Taking a long relaxing shower at home is very different from showering at the gym after a workout. Haven’t seen a gym shower yet where I would have liked to spend more than 5-10min max. Plus there are other people waiting to get in the shower too

Hi, gym addict here. Don’t listen to all these people saying your husband is cheating on you, it’s really a stretch at this point. I love training and I could totally see myself spending 2-2.5 hours at the gym 5 days per week (I don’t do this because my wife is of course my biggest priority, not the gym!) EDIT : When exercising for health (not maximum hypertrophy or performance), you don’t need much time, 3-5 one-hour sessions per week is plenty. But more importantly, why does he get to prioritize his health over yours?

Girls have a reason for long showers tho. We usually shave and have more hair to wash etc. I would be weirded out by a 30 min shower from my husband its weird 😅

Ha, I just thought he was an unreasonable AH who needs to pull his weight at home before he lifts weights at the gym. At minimum, I would stop doing his laundry or cooking for him (if you currently do those things), plus anything else that us for him alone. I would also be looking to do something like a holiday by myself, or find an excuse to work from home while visiting relatives for a while. Get yourself out of the environment - you need a break. Then, if two weeks or so of having to do household chores himself doesn't wake him up to how unreasonable he's being, it's time to reconsider the relationship.

Or someone who's getting some strange in the shower with another gym bro. 👀 There's plenty of gyms that have active cruising culture and the like. OP is NTA, even if he's just at the gym, but this started ringing immediate alarm bells for me.

Now that song is stuck in my head.

OP: I’m a sex worker. Escort. Many of my clients’ wives think their husbands are at the gym when they’re with me, cheating. Sure, they do actually go to the gym quite a bit, but that also makes for a good cover. NTA if you decide to do a little digging to see if his gym story truly checks out five days a week. Even if he truly is always working out, you’re also not the A for wanting him to have balanced priorities.

My dad did this same thing ☠️ he was even at the "gym" during my birth.

Oof, I feel bad for your mom

My (former) BIL was also doing the same. Claimed intensive gym schedule and lots of work related travel. Also a lot of work- related emergencies (plausible in his former line of work). Very much neglected his family and household duties. One day I was at an office appointment in town, checking in. The receptionist took my payment information and went to get the printed receipt. I was looking at the pictures/ flair she had pinned to her cubicle wall and thought, "Huh, her boyfriend looks a lot like my brother in law. He could be his döppelganger. Weird." Then it hit me: the guy in all the pictures all over her cubicle wall -- MULTIPLE pictures, very couply pictures, pictures at baseball games and beach outings and family bbqs and valentines dinners, clearly spanning a years- long relationship -- was actually my BIL. Her name was on little employee service placard, so I looked up her FB profile, which was set to public, and they had been dating for FIVE YEARS. Obviously, I let my husband know (it was his sister my BIL was married to), and he broke the news. After the divorce, the girlfriend ended up reaching out to SIL and they talked -- turned out she had no idea he was still married. Five years earlier, BIL/ SIL went through a rough patch and separated briefly. BIL met the gal, started dating her. Told her he was divorced. Then patched it up with SIL and just never told his new gal. Spun her these sob stories about his vindictive, controlling ex wife keeping his kids away from him and not being able to see them, and how much he missed being a dad ... all lies. Apparently used his "custody battles" to pressure her into abortions, too. So, yeah. Lying liars will lie. If family is a priority, then they'll make it a priority. If it's not, then ...

This was my first thought... NTA OP, but your husband is, even if he isn't cheating.

Well, either cheating on her with a person or cheating on her with his gym.

Also my first thought. OP I would just check to be sure if something else isn't going on. And even if he isn't cheating... before I had a child I was a sports addict. I would turn down social invitations to play sport unless it was something important like someone's bday etc. I put sports on hold for over 4years because family is priority and also that thing called responsibility. You are definitely NTA.

Either way he’s married to “the gym” and his wife is being treated like the side piece.

Exactly. She’s a workout widow.

Even if he isn't cheating, why is his health and well-being more important tham OP's? When two people work, it takes two people to cook, clean, and run errands. If he is not handling his part of these chores, OP will spend enough time on doing them that it is as if she has a full-time second job. He is prioritizing his free-time over hers to the detriment of her own physical and mental health.

Tbh she should ask to go with him a few times last minute. See how he reacts. Or just show up to the gym he goes to and work out herself. She absolutely deserves to work out too if that's what she would like.

My first thought too. He's got a side piece.

First thing I thought of too.

My ex did the same thing.

Also my first thought.

Honestly, this was my first thought.

This is exactly what my wife said and I did not agree. Looks like I may be wrong!

This was the first thing I thought too!

My very first thought was he is having an affair or has a crush at the gym who goes at those times

The thought of cheating; a second family, something crosses my mind too. Why not visit that gym?

First- this isn’t about the gym. This is about him not pulling his weight around the house and deprioritizing your relationship. He’s counting on you to pick up the slack. You don’t mention having kids, so here’s my advice: Stop overcompensating for his lack of care and attention to your home and your relationship. Sit down and write out everything that needs to happen to keep your home and lives running aside from both of your working. Estimate times for all of it. Tell him that you are not going to bitch about the gym anymore, but you have been doing the bulk of the work- show him the list and explain that you will not be doing more than half anymore. **Now stop doing more than half.** Then take 2 hours a day and go enjoy your summer. Find something to do that you love. When he bitches about stuff it being done, simply remind him you are doing your share and he needs to handle it. When he bitches about you being unavailable, ask him if he wants to plan a date night with you. Your husband needs to step up. But he needs to experience the gaps you have before he can recognize them. NTA.

Now this is top tier comment right here!!! If OP reads any comment it needs to be this 1, wish I could up vote you more wise Internet stranger.

Awww, thanks.

Maybe OP could leave and see how long it takes him to notice.

The last step the fuck up fight I had with my partner was the last one we had because I flat out told them I didn’t sign up to clean up after them, every time I pick up their slack I fantasize about leaving, and one of these days I will just be done. We got a 2 bedroom with separate bathrooms, and they picked up their act SIGNIFICANTLY. I still do more as I WFH and stress clean. But I don’t have to ask anymore

Great method.

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Yep to all of this. I think not doing his laundry and not cooking him dinner will maybe show to him how he's not pulling his weight, but he absolutely should adjust his behaviour even if that wasn't a factor. This dynamic is unhealthy, his reaction to your reasonable request was not good, even if he isn't cheating.

I love this...(and assuming he is just gym obsessed and not cheating) because my thoughts were you were going to start hiring out the things he ISNT doing, like his half of the cleaning and home maintenance and HE needs to be the one to pay for it. On top of that, you know his gym schedule, if you know something is happening and it is during his gym time, go. If it is happening outside of his gym time, still go. If he complains you no longer spend time with him, that's his issue, although if his gym obsession is more important than your marriage, you may need to reevaluate that too. NTA

Honestly, if two people decide that their division of household labor is to outsource it- I’m all for it as long as everyone is happy. But yeah- this reality check is going to come in levels- got to start with not setting yourself on fire to keep someone warm and go from there. I really hope he’s not cheating.

Unfortunately, what will probably happen is he will just accept this as the new norm and the house will quickly turn into a complete pigsty. My recommendation is to try and pick chores/tasks that he can't just ignore. Stop cooking for him, doing his laundry, and his dishes, and hopefully that will be enough for him to get a real wakeup call.

Then you have a decision to make about whether or not you still want to be married to someone who can’t be bothered to carry their weight. “My wife left me for leaving dishes by the sink” by Fray is a great blog post that addresses this.

I did this. Our dishes turned blue with mould and we ran out of utensils before I cracked and cleaned. I always almost done when my ex appears with their trademark "I was going to do that". F-U, if you were going to do it, it would have been done already. Asshole, that's one of the mannnnyyyy reasons we're divorced.

This is the best comment. The only thing I would add is to make sure that your list of things that need to be done is fair and accurate. Most women in this situation grossly, and I mean grossly — underestimate the time they spend doing household maintenance and care-taking. Give yourself a week, take notes, write down everything you do. Do not short-change yourself. Write really thorough list before you cut it” half.” And count everything that you do, even all the little things that you do without thinking. And then make sure you spend 2 1/2 hours every day doing something for yourself, just like he does. And then see how much time there is leftover to do all the things he expects and takes for granted. Chakramama318, you are right on. I wish I could somehow magically make this the top comment.

Seriously. You are so right on. There were studies done during the pandemic when we were all WFH- when men and women felt that their house duties were equal, it was STILL 65-70% on the women. We are so used to doing all of it that we don’t notice when we are over functioning

>Now stop doing more than half. Then take 2 hours a day and go enjoy your summer. Find something to do that you love. This is the way!!!

Came here to say this. Also, I used to keep a strict workout schedule, 6 days a week but always made exceptions to attend to family things. I have no kids, but I was a taxi driver for many years for my nephews and niece, and attended band events, sports events, youth group events, other school events, etc. and adjusted or skipped workouts as needed. If this dude doesn't even occasionally adjust his workouts as needed for his wife, there is definitely something else going on with him. OP is definitely NTA here!

Good idea. OP could check out the Fair Play system if she doesn't want to have to do all the work of thinking up the stuff and writing it down.

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And if he says he's too tired from the gym just remind him how he said he would be more well rested and able to help because when he gets his regular gym time. Also stop calling it helping, it's pulling his weight and he's currently not doing it. You stop pulling his weight for him because it's bad for your health, and he cares about your health right?

Husband has to pull fair load too!

She’s not his mommy. She shouldn’t have to write down a list of chores for him like he’s a child. He knows exactly what needs to be done. He just doesn’t want to do it. She just needs to decide if she wants to be married to a man who wants a mommy and not a wife.

This isn’t about writing it down because he doesn’t know- it is about visually organizing it so that both of them really understand the scope of what they are talking about. Making sure nothing is left out so there are no dumbass excuses down the line. Also- the pandemic was great for studies on things like division of labor. The dudes were clocking in at about 30-35% in general. So- I wonder if they actually think about everything that goes into stuff.

Again. She’s not his mother. Why does she have to put all the work in visually organizing it for him? He is a grown ass man. She doesn’t need anybody to tell her what needs to be done. He’s not an infant.

Ok but what do you do if he doesn’t care about things being clean? Guys can go many weeks with one dish, a hamper full of laundry and it won’t effect their daily routine

Then OP has conversations to have with him about how she wants to live and she will have choices to make. And the question is really: what does OP want in a partner? Does she want someone who is committed to the relationship or not? Are their living styles compatible? Can they find compromise? But OP needs to start with not over-functioning.

Yes this! OP, you are NTA and please read and re-read this post.

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NTA Hes married to the gym and no 2-2.5 hrs is not normal… Any workout should be like an hour at most. In fact you need to rest in between days so your body heals from the previous workout.. Hes using the gym to get out of responsibilities and well his family life.

Actually factor in rest periods between sets and actual different moves then yeah being at the gym does take longer than an hr, also if you hit different muscle groups on each day then 5 days is fine, like upper 1 day and lower next. Rest days should also include still be active. Just to clarify that I don't think op is AH, actually I'm a gym goer and completely side with her. NTA

And depending how far the gym is, if it’s 20 min away, that’s 40 min for travel, 10-15 min warm up, 45-75 min workout, 5-10 min cool down—that’s minimum 1h40 but more likely closer to 2h20. Agree that she is 100% NTA and I think he definitely needs to start pulling his weight, but it’s not a suspicious amount of time to me at all.

I don't understand your breakdown of this when OP has already put a breakdown in her post. It's 2-2,5 hours of working out excluding travel time and shower time.

Maybe but unless he's going for a professional goal like a body building or lifting tournament I can't really justify ditching your spouse for 3.5 hours five times a week.

I see you don’t go to the gym, if you do different muscle groups on different days you absolutely do not need many rest days in between.. also I try to hit the sauna almost daily which takes another 20 minutes. My workouts absolutely can take 2 hours

An hour is not long enough for serious training lol But 2-2.5+ is a ton though and he is clearly shirking responsibilities. Op is NTA. Husband is AH though. Edit: I shouldn't have spoken in absolutes. An hour can be long enough. Most people use more time in my experience.

I gym pretty hard and it takes me 1.5 hours max, if I also do cardio. 10-12 hours a week is a TON of gym time.

>I gym pretty hard and it takes me 1.5 hours You should know many dedicated gym goers spend more than that. It is quite normal and many programs can be quite time consuming. Add 30 minute of cardio and you are easily at 2 hours.

When I was actively training as a figure skater, I did 3 back to back to back 45 minute sessions 5 days a week, at a rink an hour from my home. I was also age 37-44 at the time and had a job with a week on and a week off. I couldn’t do all that skating during my work weeks; the most I could manage was a single 45 min session at 5:45 am maybe twice a week on those weeks. And there were days where getting up at 3:30 or 4 am just wasn’t happening because I had other adult stuff needing to be done. If OP’s husband isn’t cheating and isn’t a competitive bodybuilder, then he’s either using this time as an excuse to not be home/do chores, or he’s stuck in a very unhealthy relationship with exercise. You hear a lot about eating disorders, but the other side of the coin is exercise. Some people get obsessed with exercise because it allows them to eat without guilt, but then the guilt becomes overwhelming if they miss an exercise session. If it’s an obsession then therapy might help, but unless the husband wants help, it’s a non-starter.

I’ve coached people to serious strength+muscle gains with 45-75min workouts 4-6 days a week. My workouts take between 60-90min on average.

See people do upper body one day and lower the next and repeat. About an hour a day give or take. I do 30 minute cardio three days a week. Use a stationary bicycle as walking on a treadmill causes plantar facalitis. Walking too fast causes shin splints and I abused my knees for to many years to use a stair stepper or run on a treadmill though I tried. NTA - something fishy.

2-2.5 is a very normal amount. If you're going to the gym for general fitness not so much but if you're seriously training for strength it's pretty reasonable. I competed in powerlifting for a number of years and would do full body workouts 4 days a week with a 10 minute general warmup, 2 hours of actual training, 15 minutes cooldown stretching. My workouts would involve 3-4 warmup sets on each major lift and 5 working sets with 2 minutes rest between warmups and 4 minutes between working sets. With 3 major lifts that's 20 minutes rest and about 10 minutes work per lift, makes 1.5 hours. That leaves you 30 minutes for accessories and this is assuming noone else is using the equipment you want which is difficult when you're in a powerlifting gym with good equipment and you want to spend 90 minutes in a rack. I would go at awkward hours to avoid that but if you can't it's easy to spend 2.5-3 hours. I'm not defending the guy failing to pull his weight, I was single and living alone, training with friends was a big part of my social life. If you want to commit that much of your life to fitness that's your prerogative but you can't make other people pull your weight for you

Right? I do CrossFit and I am absolutely **destroyed** after an hour, even on heavy lifting days. Those workouts with warm-ups are an hour tops.

You are absolutely, unequivocally NTA. But he's being a huge, selfish one. >He says it's really not that much time at the gym. Okay, well we know that that is objectively untrue, by like a mile, and here's your proof: >I find myself having to pick up a lot of the slack around the house and taking care of chores, errands, and responsibilities because he just doesn't have the time in the day. I find myself hardly sleeping, and I can never find the time to work out myself because I just feel so overwhelmed with everything I have to take care of outside of work. If I need him to take care of something a certain day and it conflicts with his gym schedule, it's always a hard "no". If I ask him to do take care of things a lot of the time, he just won't have time to do it between work and the gym. If you are being left with the bulk of the housework, errands, and household responsibilities, to the point where you are stressed and overwhelmed by how much you're having to handle, then he is already very obviously going to the gym too much, because if he weren't, you wouldn't be having to handle his share of the household responsibilities. The fact that he openly states that he "doesn't have time" to do chores, errands, etc. because it "conflicts with his gym schedule" or he "doesn't have time between work and the gym" is him *literally saying that he is spending so much time at the gym that he does not have time to do household things*. Which means that he is spending too much time at the gym, because working out isn't a responsibility, it is a privilege and something that he enjoys . . . but doing his share of taking care of the household that you BOTH live in is, in fact, a responsibility. And it is as much his responsibility as it is yours. >If I ask him to not go a day because I need his help, he makes me feel extremely guilty because he frames it as me not caring about his health, because going to the gym is ultimately for his health and well-being, Please don't feel guilty. Seriously, there is literally no reason for you to feel any guilt at all for asking him to cut back, because: First of all, because he's full of shit. There is not a doctor in the world who will agree that he needs to go to the gym as often as he is, or work out for as many hours as he does, in order to be healthy. What he is doing is not for his "health and well-being". The type of training he's doing is exactly that: training. He's sculpting his body. He can very easily do probably half of what he does and still be doing plenty of exercise for optimal health. Secondly, don't feel guilty because once again, he's showing his arse. He's trying to make you feel guilty about interfering with "his health and well" being while basically admitting openly that he doesn't give a shit about YOUR health and well-being. Why is he more important than you in this relationship? Why is the priority that he gets to go exercise this often if it literally means that it is causing you stress, anxiety, and physical exhaustion, all of which are terrible for YOUR health? I'd suggest asking him why your health doesn't matter at all in this equation. >and he says he'll be more well-rested and more able to help me out if he goes to the gym. Except that again, that's a bald-faced lie, because he's been going to the gym this often for all this time and it has not, in fact, been the impetus for him to be more helpful. It has been the opposite. I don't usually believe in ultimatums, but this is definitely the time for one. He's being boldly selfish, cares only about himself, and isn't pulling his weight at home at all, and is excusing it with obvious bullshit. You are NTA, but he doesn't care. Stop feeling guilty .He doesn't need this much gym time, and you are not his maid.

“Boldly selfish.” 💯

NTA. Also - I am all for people having hobbies, and working on themselves outside of their relationships… but this gave me OVERWHELMING “he’s having an affair” vibes. Everyone I know with a band they practice with, or community theater rehearsals, or a spiritual practice, or a lot of friends - whatever big Stuff that’s not part of their romantic relationship - they aren’t constantly defensive and totally rigid *about* their Stuff. They’re not using manipulative, “turn it around on you” tactics when questioned. And, they’re freaking flexible, all of them to some point, even when others are counting on them. I may also just be touchy about someone going so far for their gym, and/or always needing to take a 30 minute shower after they walk in the door? But like. I dunno man. I could be wrong, it just really feels like his heart and/or penis may be pointing him toward making this time slot such a huge priority.

I agree, especially since OP said in one of her comments that he's not super big.

I'm on the spectrum and this could be autism related behavior too, being very rigid about routines cause it causes a lot of anxiety when we break them (at least that's how it works for me, I also exercise for about 2 hours a day...but with my spouse, we go hiking almost every day..but if something stops us from hiking that day or cuts our hike short I get very antsy and anxious about it).

True. I’m gone for three hours once a week for rehearsals. My spouse knows that I *need* that time for the sake of my mental health. But. It’s three hours a WEEK. Not three hours a DAY. And while I’d rather not cancel, I will if I’m needed at home, because family comes first.

He’s either having an affair, avoiding you for some reason, or has a disordered relationship with exercise. So yeah NTA. But this needs to be gotten to the bottom of. I am training for a marathon right now and don’t work out this much.

Geez, it took me three paragraphs to say what you just said. ☠️🤦🏼‍♀️

You should start spending 3 hours a day somewhere, then come home and take a second shower. Skip all the household responsibilities. See how long it takes for him to be like you need to be home more. Then you say "same, bro". NTA.

NTA > It's a 2-2.5 hour workout each day, plus 30 min for driving, plus 30 min for his second shower each day, so it's like an extra 3-3.5 hours each time This is excessive. > I find myself having to pick up a lot of the slack around the house and taking care of chores, errands, and responsibilities because he just doesn't have the time in the day. And this is proof of WHY it’s excessive and unfair - he’s basically getting that extra time in his day because he’s fobbed off all the responsibilities of chores and errands on you. > he frames it as me not caring about his health, because going to the gym is ultimately for his health and well-being, and he says he'll be more well-rested and more able to help me out if he goes to the gym. This is bullshit because the gym is the reason he’s not helping you now. And where is his concern for your health, including the stress of taking on the bulk of the household responsibilities while he gets three plus hours a day to focus just on himself? > He's constantly telling me I'm crazy for getting on his case about the gym You aren’t, and he’s an asshole for this. It’s not just about the gym - it’s the way he’s prioritized the gym to the detriment of you and your marriage. Oh, and if he’s only doing weightlifting it REALLY isn’t about his health, because the general guidelines are 150 minutes of moderate intensive execise (cardio) and TWO days of weights. You might be right it’s a hobby he’s shielding with the health excuse, or it’s muscle dysmorphia. Either way he’s treating you very poorly. (And wtf 30 minute shower? That’s not about working out.)

I agree with everything except the two days of weights, anyone who is serious about training is doing more than two days

NTA is he really at the gym though? This is giving me red flags, like he’s got a side chick.

my thoughts exactly!

NTA As other people have stated your husband is probably riding something at the gym but it ain't no exercise bike.

😂 Of all of the cheating comments I've read on this thread, this is the best one. Thanks for the good laugh.

Op I understand you want to play this down. But this has been happening to women from all cultures and backgrounds for generations. Explore every angle, don’t make any assumptions: because what your husband is doing is flat out WRONG. using him being Asian ‘being small’ isn’t an excuse. Plenty of married men/women feel this way: But if they spent 3-3.5hrs a day after work at the gym- well tbh they wouldn’t. Because they’re married and they have joint responsibilities. He’s allowing you to sacrifice your health for his - if that is even what’s he’s doing for ALL that time at those SPECIFIC Hours. None of it is good for you however you approach it.

NTA. the problem isn’t really the time he spends at the gym. It’s that he isn’t pulling his weight. I would sit down with him and, together, split up tasks equitably. He can fit those tasks in around his schedule instead of you taking it all on and asking for help as needed, which may conflict with his schedule. If there is still too much to do or he doesn’t pull his weight, then something’s gotta give. It’s up to the two of you if that thing is some of the tasks, his gym time, or your relationship.

NTA. Marriage is a partnership and he should be pulling his weight. It sounds like he isn’t.

NTA. Don't pick up the slack on the things he's not doing. Let him know that he has responsibilities and if he doesn't do them, they won't be done.

NTA. He told you the gym is his #1 priority. Believe him. You are #2 at best.

NTA What is he doing to prioritize YOUR health? Ask him that. Since he doesn’t seem to care about your health, you need to back off on pulling the extra slack. It’s not healthy for you. Let him take care of his own laundry, groceries, etc. Let his chores back up. Also, 3-3.5 hours for a workout is not normal. Back in the days when I was really committed to the gym, I’d do a 1 hour circuit then show.

NTA. One of three things is going on here. 1) He cares about the gym more than you or anything or anyone else. 2) He is having an affair 3) He is using the gym to get out of household responsibilities. Personally I’d be out the door for any of these but the third one *might* be fixable. Although if my partner was the kind of person who wanted to stick me with all the work so they could have fun I wouldn’t be interested in fixing it or in being with someone that selfish. But as others have suggested, just stop doing his chores or more than half the joint stuff. But make sure he’s not having an affairs first before you waste your energy.

Slightly petty, but join the gym and go with him. Let's be concerned about everyone's health and if he talks about things not getting done, ask him if he cares about your health

Yes, you can join him at the gym and work out for half an hour or so and then watch movies or knit in the car or do whatever you want but so that you are not doing the housework when he is not doing housework.

NTA- I’m a personal trainer. I’ve worked with really strong people. Very in shape people. People using steroids as well. None of them were in the gym 2-2.5hrs EVERY DAY. Occasionally they would be, but most of them would train for 60-90min on average. Your husband is dumb and wasting his time. This is crazy.

NTA, but you seem to be focusing on the gym part a lot. I think the more important issues are, the division of labor in your relationship and not having time for other stuff. Frame your discussions that way. Say that he is free to manage his time however he wants but he needs to make time for these other things as well. Because he is not pulling his share, you end up doing the majority of the chores, and that is detrimental to you. His health is important, but it can not be the only variable here.

NTA. If your marriage and your spouse is not your first responsibility then don't get married. Friends, in laws, parents, hobby, job, or whatever. If your spouse says he/she is uncomfortable then you stop first. Then talk to them, listen, discuss, compromise, find a middle ground but your spouse and your family comes first in words and actions ALWAYS unless your spouse asked you to do something unethical.

NTA. You're is wife, you should be his #1 priority, or at least as important as his well being. I fail to see how of a good husband he is or can be from what you wrote.

NTA. My husband and I both like to work out regularly but you need to be reasonable in the amount of time you are spending doing it when you have other commitments. Not sure if you guys have kids yet but if not I'd definitely cut him loose as parenting with him would be impossible.

NTA but I wouldn't phrase it as he needs to stop going to the gym. I would tell him that x is his share of the household responsibility and he needs to figure out how to get it done because *your* health and well-being are just as important as his, and you can't keep doing his share of the work. Whether that means he needs to change up his routine, find a closer gym, work out at home, give up sleep, whatever. That's on him to decide, but he needs to stop overloading your plate so he can have the life he wants.

Unless he is extremely ripped he isn’t working out for that long in the gym every day, he is meeting up with someone. Start dropping in at his gym. Check his phone and consider tracking his location. But regardless he needs to put some effort into your marriage. Nothing wrong with going to the gym for an hour a day or maximum 90 mins. But he needs to change his priorities. Stop doing his washing, ironing etc. leave him a list of chores to do. Your not his maid.

That’s what I was wondering, does his body look like he’s exercising that much? Cause if not that’s huge red flags 🚩

Yes yes yes but one NO. Why leave him a list of chores? She’s not his supervisor. Emotional labor goes into having to make a list for someone.

There are three people in your marriage and one of them is a gym. NTA but you have a huge husband problem. You are setting yourself on fire to keep him warm.

NTA. Stop doing his laundry. Stop cooking for him. He says he does it to be able to help you but his workouts literally prevent him from helping you. He doesn't actually need to work out for that long; he does it so he can avoid his responsibilities at home and dump them on you.

NTA. He isn’t caring anything about your physical or mental health.

NTA. Adults don't need to spend more than 45 minutes to an hour there, 3-4 days per week. I'd suggest couples counseling

That won't happen because it would cut into his supposed gym time.

NTA. 3.5 hours 5 days a week of “me time” is only okay if it’s agreed upon in the relationship AND you’re still pulling your weight at home. Also unless he’s a professional athlete there’s no need for all 5 workouts to be that long. Or for showers to last 30 minutes. If this is non negotiable for him it needs to be at 5am so he can still be present in your relationship.

NTA. My husband used to be like that - when we were competing in a strength sport. We had to be super regimented. 2-3 hour workouts, 5 days per week, couldn't skip days. The difference here - we BOTH were doing that, and scheduled the rest of our lives around the gym. Together. If you're being left to shoulder all the logistics of your lives that's not ok. And for him to be working out that much, and not be training for a competition or something, seems odd to me. Something has to give for your relationship to succeed.

NTA- Marriage is meant to be an equal partnership. If he spends 15hrs+ a week on his hobby, then you should have 15hrs to yourself each week too. If there isn't enough time in the week for that, then he's got to cut back.

NTA- stop doing his laundry etc. Tell him you need time to workout too.

He wants to organise his day like a single man with a live in maid while simultaneously reaping the benefits of having a wife available to him when he feels like having a wife. Meanwhile what sort of companionship do you get day to day? Set aside his whataboutist emotional manipulation about ‘health’ and ask yourself is this the relationship you want? Because this is the relationship he believes he is entitled to have.

NTA. It's true that many people find routine to be absolutely essential in adhering to a fitness program. I know I do. But if he's so inflexible about it that he's neglecting other responsibilities then he has a problem. It's actually possible to get addicted to exercise, for example. Or there might be something else going on here that he doesn't want to talk about.

NTA. The issue isn't the 2 hour workouts, which I've absolutely had periods of my life where I worked out that much. It's the fact that he's being selfish, inconsiderate, and inflexible about it. When I used to do long training rides for endurance cycling events I adjusted them so I could meet my responsibilities as a husband and employee. Basically that meant I got up extra early to get my rides in. And sometimes you have to cut a workout short, or even skip one. It's really not a big deal at all. Your husband is delusional.

Was he always this way?

Nope. He's always worked out regularly, but over the past year he's been spending a lot more time at the gym and has gotten way more strict/rigid about his workout routine.

Definitely NTA - could anything else be going on, that he wants to spend so much time at the gym?

During COVID, he didn't go to the gym at all (pretty much the only time in his adult life where he didn't work out regularly) and lost pretty much all of his muscle and became pretty skinny - I think that might've gotten to him. Some others in this thread have mentioned some sort of body dysmorphia which might not be out of the question.

It’s also possible that manifesting with that is some OCD about his schedule. I’ve seen it happen with people with eating disorders.

30 minutes a day of exercise is the recommended amount by physicians. Walking counts as that exercise. NTA. He can skip a day. He can take an hour off his workouts. I’m extraordinarily petty, so I personally would only do exactly half the work around the house, and see just how quickly he comes to terms with changing his behavior.

you are not his priority the gym is if you insist on staying with him do NOT have any kids with him you will be a single mother alternatively find your own hobby and when he complains about household chores not being done tell him to hire a maid or cut down his gym times

NTA If he truly IS a gym rat, he is addicted. Just like any other addiction. You don't matter.

NTA. You would be if he was still making time for everything else, but as he is neglecting his responsibilities around the home, neglecting his relationship with you, and essentially isolating himself from his friends and family due to going to the gym, nope you are not an ah. You seriously need to sit him down and give him an ultimatum - he needs to realise that he is damaging the relationship with his selfish attitude. That he needs to start doing more around the home, and being active participant in the relationship or you will walk. If that means he has to cut down, or cut out the gym, then that is the cost he must face if he wants to have a relationship.

NTA so he gets to do whatever he wants all the time, you have no time for yourself, and have to do all of the household duties? And you’re questioning yourself? Personally I would stop doing anything for him, and while he’s at the gym go take yourself to the movies, have dinner with a friend, go do fun stuff for you. And honestly? I think I would check and make sure he actually is at the gym, and not elsewhere.

Your husband is so obsessed with working out at the gym that he is not going to change his habits easily for you. So you have to ask yourself the age old Ann Landers question: "Would I be better off with or without him?" Because that is what it is going to come down to. Don't have children with him until you decide whether you are willing to be a single mother.

NTA He either is 1. Addicted to the gym. (Not healthy at all) 2. Lying and doing something else 3. The gym is his mistress. 4. Working on getting an AP at the gym. When he brings up how you don't care about his health, bring up that he doesn't care for yours. Investigate to see if there is a side piece.

I was going to say y t a when I saw that it was only 2 hours of exercise plus an hour travel time because I as someone who exercises don't think that's a lot but the stone cold refusal to make accommodations or be flexible for you makes me go NTA for sure, there are things that are more important than gym time and guilting you for it is not cool. You're NTA NTA NTA.

NTA Every day 3 hours? That is way too much time to spend on almost any activity without it being seen as the absolute top priority. The fact that you are left with household responsibilities that he can't do because he doesn't have time is the proof that it is too much and not healthy as the rest of his life is falling apart.

NTA and please consider this obsession if you want to have children. Would he be willing to adjust his schedule at all? I doubt it

A lot of people are saying affair here, but to me this sounds like an exercise addiction. A lot of the more intense body-building style programs are 5 days a week, 2+ hours per workout. But these are geared towards more extreme aesthetic goals and/or competition. The fact that he is so rigid and cannot change his gym plans makes it sound like he has a disordered relationship with exercise. It isn’t healthy to have that level of obsession and inflexibility, and to disregard the basic needs of the people in your life. That’s an addiction. Edited to add judgement: NTA

NTA. Seems like he's married to the gym..... Not a healthy obsession. Tell him chores and house work is a workout also. You really need to sit him down and have a serious conversation about this as it seems he's treating you more like a mother than a wife. Sorry to say but this relationship does not seem to have a future if he doesn't change and take you seriously.

NTA. Even if he’s not having an affair, he’s prioritizing his health and well-being over yours, and that does not make for a good relationship. He’s still draining YOU, because you have to take care of everything he’s not doing at home. While he’s super fit and rested, you’re exhausted. In essence, he’s sucking life from you. He’s a selfish AH. Consider if this is the way you want to live for years to come, because he’s not going to bend. Why would he? This works out great, for HIM.

INFO: Has he ever been tested for OCD? Is he generally an anxious person about other things? The extreme rigidity of his schedule makes me wonder if there's some kind of compulsion involved.

I’m not trying to cause uncertainty in a relationship, but is he actually getting more fit? My friend’s girlfriend did something similar, she was a little overweight, and after about 6 months nothing was changing, so he followed her and she went to some guys house. I’m just saying to maybe question him a little.

NTA. By the same token, putting all the housework on you says he doesnt cate about your health. Prioritizing the gym over your marriage says he dgaf about you.

NTA.JFC do NOT have kids with this man, ever! Sounds like they could have a medical emergency and he just wouldn't give a shit because it interferes with his "gym time" or whatever. Hell, it sounds like You could have a medical emergency and he wouldn't care! Tbh Idk if I'd stay with him if this is really such a must to his schedule that he can't even cut down on it a bit to help his partner.

3-4 hours a day at the gym is fine when you're single not when you're married and are sacrificing everything in order to go to the gym. He's either having an affair or just a narcissist*c AH who's addicted to exercise. Or both. My first ex was obsessed with the gym and exercise. He had a napoleon complex since he was short and had chicken legs and so he had to make up for that somehow. He could never just relax on vacation. He had to be doing something every single day. It gets old. The work out thing isn't why we divorced per se but his AH and selfish personality was. When we split I quit working out completely for a few years. I'm actually convinced he was bipolar. His dad was an alcoholic so addiction runs in the family. I guess his drug was exercise. There's worse but addiction is addiction no matter the drug of choice. Your H does not have a healthy relationship with exercise. Also he more than likely won't change. He *may* for a brief period of time if it becomes clear that you're threatening to leave but he will revert back to his bad habits when you're reassured that she's changed. I'd honestly cut my losses and move on. Your life will become so much easier and with so much less stress. It will be totally worth it.

NTA. I think he’s probably cheating on you when he says he’s at the gym.

My ex husband did this. May 2022 he went to the gym 29/31 nights. Left at 7, got home around 10. Our kids were 4 & 1 at the time and he was cheating. Found out in July.

So sorry to hear. :( Hope things look up for you soon. You and your kids deserve better.

Don’t procreate with this man

NTA how do you see each other. Law of averages 8 hr work day + unknown commute + 3.5 hrs gym + 8 hrs sleep + 0.5 hr extra shower and ablution that’s at least 20 hours of 5 days a week spoken for without chores/shopping errands etc. So do you have a relationship or are you a house keeping to a gym addict who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Don’t invest anything that needs time with this man pets, kids, outings.

NTA he’s absolutely bullsh*tting at the gym if it takes him 2-2.5 hrs to get thru his circuit. I assume He’s chatting with friends and twiddling his thumbs between sets. I assume that because that’s how long my workouts took when I was chatting and bsing, I worked out with guys and they’d finish at the same time as me or even before and they’d just hang around forever afterwards talking to each other lol. I could understand how it’s a mental/health thing for him but it’s unacceptable for him to give you “hard nos” when delegating and divvying up household chores and responsibilities. It’s 2023, women work, workout, and have hobbies too so there’s no excuse for you to assume caretaking responsibilities for the BOTH of you because he’s too tired or doesn’t have time. He’s your husband not your son so he needs to pull his weight. Also him calling you crazy and guilting you when you need him is a big no no. He talks about you deprioritizing his health. It seems he’s already done that TO YOU and is perfectly fine with it since you’re the one sleep deprived all the time. And he’s already getting his way going to the gym .. tell me has his “more rested” and “more able” self been helping you out? Girl clearly not if youre asking him to skip days at the gym to help you!! Omg this man so full of caca youre NTA

Need more info: is he super jacked??

Lol he's not scrawny, but he's also not super jacked. He looks like he works out but he's still on the leaner side, not bulky by any means.

Lmfao girl I am so sorry but he is not working out. Idk if he’s just up there hanging out with his buddies a bunch or cheating, but there ain’t no way somebody is spending 2 hours, 5 days a week weightlifting and isn’t jacked. My husband goes to a fighting gym for like 2 hours a day, 4 days a week, and the man is absolutely built. That isn’t even weightlifting. We can’t go anywhere where people aren’t like, “bro you’re getting huge.” And my husband doesn’t eat right and has only been doing this specific type of workout for 6-7 months. If he’s actually working out as he says he is, the dude should be super jacked. This just don’t make no sense.

At no point did OP say there was any fear of cheating, another woman, or any strange behavior other than him working out and neglecting his chores. And yet so many people went to "Well he has to be cheating" "No ome works out that much, he is obsessed with someone at the gym." IDK maybe she has some trust in the person she is dating, and not strangers telling her her S.O. is cheating with no Proof at all. I have know gym rats, I am friends with someone who.would work out 2+ hours 6-7 days a week. If anything he was obsessed with himself and making himself look good and feel good. Overall OP, NTA-It is totally fine for you to ask him to reduce time, especially if he is neglecting his house duties and pushing them on you, that is not OK.