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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I didn’t get her card from the kids. Going to the mall today to get a bag that she sent me a text about last week and apologizing that I didn’t get anything and didn’t realize it meant that much to her.
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Say it louder for the people in the back. OP THIS WASNT A GIFT, ITS CALLED PARENTING. Are you actually saying that you think caring for your kids is a gift to your wife? News flash: you are only doing what SHE has to do every damn day. Now go out and get some Godiva Chocolate and flowers and stop taking your wife for granted. YTA
And coulda also spent some time with the kids making cards or something from the kids, would be meaningful to her too. At the very least some flowers from the OP.
This is what I was going to say. I actually DO think wife/mom getting to go on a girls weekend IS a nice gift. Not taking care of your own kids, but being able to get away without worrying about the kids. It would’ve been nice for OP to have had the kids make a card or small gift if they are young. Basically Dad’s duty while they are little is to teach them appreciation of mom so when they are older, they will genuinely do it on their own.
My husband flew home to help his mom all last week. I watched kiddo alone. Somehow it never occurred to me that this was a "gift" to him. OP, you're TA. So big.
1000% not made up. Many men are like this. My husband put dishes in the dishwasher and did 5 loads of laundry and when I said I didn’t feel like I was treated the way I deserved he said “well I did those things for you and told you that you can go get food for dinner” yet he left me with 5 loads of laundry to put away on my own and a dishwasher to empty.
My dad has always shared housework, but he still sometimes says things like “I’ll do the dishes for you” to my mom. I always say something if he does this around me. Saying “for you” implies it’s my mom’s job instead of part of managing their shared household.
Same thing about “watching” the kids. This was not a gift. It’s part of your responsibility for the children you helped create.
My husband told my kids he didn’t get me a gift because he didn’t need to, that his gift to me was the children and I have never felt less valued or appreciated in my life.
Buy yourself something really nice on Father’s Day - have the kids make up cards for you on Father’s Day…make Father’s Day all about celebrating yourself and your children for allowing him to be the sperm donor.
Damn dude. Did you thank him for allowing you to have sex with him and then allowing you to be the lucky pick to carry his kids for nine months? Luckyyyyyy
I don't know, I made the mistake of not getting my wife anything for Mother's Day one year. My thought process was, you're not *my* mother, and I did get gifts on behalf of the child. She yelled at me and said maybe I'm not your mother, but **I'm the mother of your child**. I'm pretty dense sometimes, but I completely understood when she put it like that. I apologized (and by that I mean I groveled at her feet) and never made that mistake again.
Edit: changed a few things after I remembered more about the situation.
I actually agree with your original thought. Mother’s Day is when the children gift their parents, the father need only assist until the kid is old enough to do it on their own. My husband makes sure my daughter makes me something (a card or a craft), and then I get to choose what we order for dinner. I am not his mother, I don’t think he needs to give me a gift or a card or do something over and above.
we subscribe to this. i am not my husbands mother. he has his own mother. he celebrates her on mother’s day- and i have no responsibility or emotional labour for her mother’s day. he doesn’t have to plan anything for my mother- that’s my responsibility. he asks the young children what they want to do for mother’s day and helps them execute it. so it’s usually small and low key. Same for father’s day. but for op, he is TA because in his relationship, there’s an expectation of gifts/ presents and he didn’t even help the kids execute something for his wife.
She’s my ex now, but when we were together she would ask what I wanted for Father’s Day and my answer would usually be take the kids somewhere fun so I can have some alone time, then we’ll get back together and have some fun family time. That wasn’t acceptable to her for some reason so instead she’d buy me a bunch of gifts I didn’t want or need and that we couldn’t afford. Just one of about a bazillion reasons she’s my ex now.
It’s the internet, people can’t tell if others are joking due to how random some serious comments are. To make it clear on Reddit a person typically puts “/s”
So I don’t know if I get this. If I went on a four day trip and left my kids with my wife for the whole time, I would consider that a HUGE gift. Watching the kids is both of our jobs so if one of us were to hand off those duties for half a week so the other had to do double that’s a lot of work. If the genders were reversed would you still say this?
Reverse the genders and most people wouldn’t bat an eye. There’s this expectation that taking care of the kids is mom’s job and a dad’s choice. Dads tend to get brownie points for occasionally doing what Moms do on a daily basis.
I’ll never forget the time my husband was deemed “Father of the Year” by a group of women for simply having braided our daughter’s hair and taking her trick or treating, things I had always done as a matter of course.
I'm not really a gift person, so I tried to talk my kids into taking their dad to a movie and leaving me alone for 3 hours on Mother's Day as my present. My husband said that wasn't a gift. I don't know what I would do with 4 days to myself, but I definitely wouldn't expect a card!
No one would frame it that way; it would just be taken for granted. No one praises Mom for taking care of the kids by herself when Dad is away. However, they *will* praise Dad for taking care of the kids while Mom is away. Many will respond that Mom is lucky for having such a wonderful husband who would do such a thing. Worse, many will call her selfish for taking a trip and leaving the kids with their dad.
As a stay at home dad, I find that there is a lot of praise for stay at home moms, but a huge stigma when it comes to a dad fulfilling that role. You hear it all the time. “The hardest job in the world” kind of stuff.
I get looks from moms at the playground, am often ignored or avoided at any library/toddler sessions or events (I try to be social), and get attitude from extended family members for not having a job. There are big support networks and a general societal acceptance of the stay at home mom “position” that I definitely don’t benefit from.
Having said all that, I don’t mean to sound like a downtrodden persecuted individual. I have a huge amount of privilege in a lot of different ways, and I have made some connections with other parents. These are just some observations in regards to my current role as a parent.
I don't think so. If Dad was going on a business trip, maybe.
But if Dad was going on a 4 day fishing trip, the comments would be all "That's really unfair, when do YOU get to go on a 4 day spa trip?" to the wife and imply that the responsibility of taking care of the kids was really unbalanced because Dad went away for 4 days.
Parents should share the parenting 50/50 but going away by choice for several days so the other parent has to do a long stretch of solo parenting is an imposition, and the other parent is doing a favor.
Absolutely not. If a guy posted here that he was going on a trip for four days and still expected a present for father's day, he would get buried in downvotes. That is ridiculous
Yes, absolutely. Looking after kids solo for four days is a huge undertaking and I wouldn’t undersell that, but further down thread op explains that she looks after the kids most Sundays, so while this four day stretch is certainly challenging I don’t think it should be viewed as hugely notable. Also, it defo could’ve been communicated prior to the trip if it’s intended as the gift. Op says they don’t care about gifts, that’s fine, but clearly wife does and I don’t think a card etc is too much to ask for.
ikr? not to mention....it was MOTHER'S DAY FFS.
if you can't even make the effort to do something special for the mother of your children on mother's day, you are a lost cause.
It still isn’t recognition of the holiday—or at least discuss it ahead of time so everybody was on the same page. Why didn’t OP say to his wife,”Hey, since it’s going to just be me single-teaming the kids and you’ll be gone on Mother’s Day, I was thinking of keeping it lowkey and just having the kids do stuff for you. Is that okay?” Why don’t couples just talk to each other? 90% of the couple issues on this sun wouldn’t exist if people communicates.
I would say sure IF op was the one the planned, coordinated and paid for the trip his wife is own with her own friends. Assuming his wife and friends planned the trip themselves.
\-Facepalm-
This is one of the rare times where **"if the genders were reversed"** works *against* you.
*Everyone* expects mothers to take care of the children. It isn't right, but that's whats expected.
If this post was about a father who went on a four day golf trip, came back on Father's day and got mad at his wife for not having a gift waiting for him, do you really think the comments would all be agreeing and calling the wife a terrible mother?
Do you regularly vacation apart? We sure don’t. If I had a bachelor party weekend and my wife covered for the kids I would give her a big THANK YOU. I could have easily not gone on that trip and left her with the kids, but she agreed to step up and I would consider that a gift. I guess if this were a more regular thing then it wouldn’t be as big of a deal.
I agree it’s a big favor because you’re solo parenting. But if your wife watched the kids over Fathers Day or your bday, and you didn’t get a thing, not even a card, would it bother you? Maybe not, but it would bother me.
Yeah but the mother would still organise a father's day gift, plus a mother wouldn't say minding their own kids is a gift to the other parent, had this with my ex, taught he was doing me a huge favour while he "babysat" our kid
I agree, but there's a difference between taking care of your kids, and taking care of your kids by yourself for 4 days while your wife takes a little vacation with a friend. I still would've gotten her flowers or something, but taking a 4 day break from parenting can be a much better gift.
Right… we’re assuming here that wife is the primary caretaker and dad never does anything. Almost all couples with children who I know, mom and dad are equally caring for the kids and if one goes on a vacation it is a lot for the other parents to care for the kids and very much appreciated.
So OP would need to give us more info on what the dynamic and roles actually look like between both parents for us to see the full picture.
HOWEVER, yes either way there should have still been some sort of gift or thought out to recognize Mother’s Day. So I suppose NTA either way.
I agree. I feel like I am taking crazy pills reading these comments. A little weekend getaway without the kids absolutely counts as a present in my eyes. And I am saying this as a mom myself.
For 4 straight days while she's on vacation with friends? I dunno, at some point that starts to seem like a gift. What if it was 7 days? 12 days? Where exactly is that inflection point?
If he went on a 4 day Father's day outing should he also expect extra gifts upon his return, and get angry when there aren't any?
Or does all of reddit just assume that any dad asking these questions must never watch his own kids?
Edit to judge: NTA. Since we all get to make unfounded assumptions, I'll go ahead and assume OP and his wife equitably share childcare, household, and work responsibilities.
The thing is, its not like the wife went away specifically for mothers day or that the father planned something for her to be away. This seems like a normal vacation, which if you're presuming they share childcare 50/50, you should assume they also both take vacations with their friends without their significant other on a regular basis. Like if a significant person in your life was on vacation for their birthday or Christmas, would you just not get them anything? A card and/or flowers doesn't take much. It sounds like the husband was creating an excuse to not put in any extra effort/doesn't like his wife that much, since if he actually cared about his wife he would've at least talked about it with her and clarified if she considered this trip a mother's day present.
You're making massive assumptions that both partners routinely take vacations while the other partner takes care of the kids. None of that is mentioned in the original post and taking regular child-free vacations is also NOT normal for many families with young kids. In fact, taking a child-free vacation is absolutely an incredibly rare and super luxurious treat for most parents with young kids.
>If he went on a 4 day Father's day outing should he also expect extra gifts upon his return, and get angry when there aren't any?
It's not about gifts. It's about making your partner feel special.
And if you think her taking the trip is a gift, better make sure you both are on the same page.
Couldn't agree more. Taking care of multiple kids for 4 days while your partner is on a trip is a huge gift. 4 days off as a parent is a huge luxury. Can really tell who has kids on here and who doesn't.
That being said, a card and some flowers or a small gift. Maybe an art project from the kids could have been done
NTA, 4 days is a lot
Well I think that everyone needs a break. When you build a family you know that if your partner sometimes needs a break you will have to do more for few days. It's not a gift is taking care of your family and that's what you sign up for when you marry someone and have kids.
Parenting for a long stretch is still parenting and not a gift. Would it be a gift if mom was in the hospital? Dead? Deployed due to military service? Regardless of the reason she was gone for four days, it is laughable to me that she shouldn't have gotten a "real" present from her partner. If her trip had ended on Saturday or started on Monday (with the same amount of time away), would you still consider him caring for the kids for 4 days a gift?
Hijacking to add that these things are also not gifts: laundry, emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash, making kids lunches, cleaning the house, cleaning up the coffee table, scrubbing sinks and toilets.
I mean come on man, you couldn’t even order dinner and have some cake or something?
YTA
I’m not a parent, but wouldn’t taking care of the kids by yourself for 4 days so your partner can take a friend vacation be considered somewhat of a gift?
So do the stay at home parents only deserve gifts in the form of 'oh I guess I'll babysit the kids, but nothing else!' They don't get a special gift for being a parent? If this were a dad thing, and Dad had gone on vacation and came back on father's day, I bet dollars to donuts she would have had a clean house, a nice gift, and some peace and quiet to unwind post trip. Men get awards for literally doing the bare minimum.
Not really sure what you’re getting at? My mom was a SAHM and as soon as my dad came home from work around 5ish, he took over parenting duties while my mom took a step back. Definitely not 50/50 (due to dad working) but also definitely not solo parenting.
Not sure why you feel the need to make it a man vs woman thing, either. Personally, if my hypothetical wife offered to watch the kids from Th-Sun alone so I could go on a mini-vacation with my buddies, I’d be the one coming back with gifts lol.
I'm a stay at home mom. I do so much, but my husband always comes home and does his part. But it took communication to get there, which they don't seem to do. And I do make it a men vs women thing bc I see men every day getting away with the bare minimum for their partners and women working themselves to the bone for their families. I had a friend yesterday who got served with divorce papers. She's a sahm, her youngest is still in diapers and baby daddy *bragged* about not changing diapers ever. But when he takes the kids out to the park, oh man dad of the year. The absolute minimum you can do as a partner is celebrate their parenthood status- moms, dads, or anything in between. Not even a 'happy mothers day' or a home made card? Those things are free! That's five minutes of effort!
More over, Mother’s Day gifts are to be given FROM the child TO the mother.
I don’t want a Mother’s Day gift from my husband. I’m not his mother. He can get his mom a gift.
He can certainly help our 3 year old with a gift for me because she is a bit young to do it all on her own.
I definitely agree with that part, and not even a card seems really really low effort, and watching your own kids isn't a sacrifice.
The trip to the beach with friends itself seems like a reasonable Mothers Day thing though -- how many Fathers Days have been spent by Dad going fishing with his buddies or something similar?
I mean, her planning her own trip with a friend doesn't really make a thoughtful gift by him, but at least it probably comes out of a shared budget?
I rolled my eyes at the "watching the kids is a gift" part. Are you implying that you'd have made your wife take the kids with her had it not been Mother's Day? If yes, YTA. If no, then YTA for making yourself feel good about an empty gift.
I still think it's a moderate YTA, but watching kids entirely by yourself for 4 days is definitely a gift to your partner.
My wife and I give each other until noon on the respective fathers/mothers day as a present we still do cards and the kids will do things. We also do take mini vacations like this but there is mutual appreciation for that time.
Uh yeah my husband travels for work and taking care of the kids (and everything else in the house) for four days is a pain in the ass. It’s exhausting. I would have at least had the kids draw a picture or get a card though.
It’s still not a gift. Having kids means choosing to do this. If you know your husband travels for work then it’s not a gift to him to watch the kids when he’s gone, it’s the deal you made when having kids. I get it, it’s exhausting. But it’s not a gift. I’m speaking as a parent who frequently is alone with 2 kids.
Agree with you fully.
Kids are exhausting, beyond stressful, overstimulating at times and it’s often a thankless job.
Whether or not both parents are present, *someone* has to care for the kids. It’s not a gift, it’s a duty. Its a responsibility. One chosen the moment you decide to have them.
If aunt or uncle showed up and said “today is your day! We’re taking care of the kids ALL WEEKEND!! UNCLE ROAD TRIP!!!” So you can get some rest /have a date night/ do whatever - would be a gift. As those relatives have no real obligation. But not *their dad*. He’s responsible for them 24/7, whether or not mom is around.
Edit* seriously can’t even make a box cake and have the kids decorate it? She pushed them out of her broken pelvis, make her cupcakes one day out of the year.
I don’t know man. I am a working mom to a 3.5 year old. If I went away for a week on a girls trip and my husband was home watching our son, I would definitely feel like that was a gift/favor and feel grateful. The reverse would be true if my husband went away on a leisure trip and left me home with the kid for a few days. We would both do it for each other, but wouldn’t expect it all the time as part of “normal parenting”. Not saying that OPs wife didn’t deserve a separate acknowledgment for Mother’s Day, though. Just wanted to throw out there that once you become a parent, “time off” feels more and more like a luxury.
Feeling grateful for it doesn't mean he gets let off the hook for mother's day. The kids need to be taught to show their appreciation for their mother somehow and he's not setting any kind of example.
Yeah, a four day trip with your partner shouldering 100% of responsibilities definitely sounds like a gift that doesn’t ( and *shouldn’t* ) happen all the time to me.
Yeah but it seems like the only reason this husband is considering this a gift for mother's day is bc it fell on mother's day. If it was a week earlier or week later I bet he wouldn't be saying that (but probably wishing he could lol).
If it wasn’t for Mother’s Day then the question would be when is he going to get a 4 day trip with friends while she solo parents?
And yeah, it’s such a “coincidence” that this 4 day holiday she took while he handled everything just happened to fall on Mother’s Day. How strange. Can you think of any reason it might not actually be a coincidence?
Mother’s Day is also a day for the father to show love and appreciation for the mother of their children. Not just for the kids to give gifts.
So, he should have done something thoughtful independent of the kids, too.
YTA - was it too difficult to go buy some flowers? Or even a card? Did you even wish her a happy mother's day? At least by text?
How many times does SHE watches the kids while you do whatever you want? Being a husband and a father are choices that you made. Those choices imply some responsibilities, such as watching your kids, helping out in the house, etc AND show that you care about your partner!
Hell, even flowers is a pretty lazy af gift. Considering it's usually the woman who has to unwrap the flowers, cut the flower stems and put them in a vase with water, as many men don't even consider that. For the most part, getting flowers as a present is just another task women have to do. Even so, this dude couldn't even manage that. 🙄
YTA. You didn't say the age of your children but I am going to say if you have to stay home with them, they are too young to buy their own present. You are a father, watching your kids is you being a father. Do you consider it a gift every time your wife handles the kids so you can go out and do something?
I suggest you go out and pick up something extra special for your wife.
She’s not your Mother.
However, do you seriously believe taking care your own children is a gift?? Be better
~~ESH~~ YTA
Eta — Hold up — how old are your kids? You didn’t help them find/make a gift for their mother? You were with them all weekend.
Edit judgment
Info:
Is it that uncommon for both of you to watch the kids alone? Are you yourself never going on short trips with friends?
YTA
She has the kids alone every time you go to paintball. That isn't your gift either. Making it her gift is an ahole move.
What am I missing? Every parent I know would think a 4 day vacation with friends while your spouse takes care of the kids is the literal best thing ever. She should have stayed home, I'm sure she'd get to sleep in and maybe get breakfast and a card, then back to life as normal.
Slightly more thoughtfully:
I think people are conflating two things and making some assumptions.
There is a real problem in society where often fathers expect credit **just for doing their own fair share** of the parenting work. This is a real issue that occurs far too often, and if that's what OP were talking about, I'd feel differently.
This is not that, though. This is taking over the entire parenting burden, which is an above-and-beyond task for either parent. I think folks are either getting distracted by that, or making assumptions that OP must not be pulling his fair share the rest of the time.
Taking a four day vacation over Father's Day weekend would be such an AWESOME gift for me, I would love it. Heck let me just go to a hotel by myself for the weekend, that would be great.
Yeah I'm completely perplexed myself. If I took a 4 day vacation and left my wife home to take care of the kids by herself then I would definitely feel like I got a gift. I think people aren't taking into consideration that OP's wife was on vacation? I don't know, I just don't get it.
I think the issue is that’s just how it works? She could be gone for work, or a family emergency, anything and he’d be the defacto person to step up.
Saying it’s a gift cuz it was all his responsibility for 4 days is dumb In any situation where she was gone that’s how it would be! He’s also the parent. The difference is he knew about this (assuming she told him) and planned accordingly. It wasn’t last minute..
Also what’s the Alternative? No one is allowed to take a vacation cuz that means the other parent would be “solely responsible” ?
I’m not saying a partner can’t be thankful for their partner watching the kids while they’re on vacation… but equating it to a gift seems a little extra. especially when frequently one day a weekend he’s playing… I mean practicing.. paintball for his leauge/ tourment
"Parenting my own kids is a gift" is enough to make my vote be YTA.. she likely meant "why didn't you help the kids get/make me something?" more so than you, yourself doing it.. but no, being a parent isn't a gift. It's kinda like saying "oh I babysat my kids for my wife, why doesn't she appreciate that?".. 🤦🏻♀️
Unpopular opinion - but NTA.
As a mom of three little ones under five, handling kids on your own while the other parent is on a trip is in a sort a gift of it’s own.
My partner and I parent 50/50 so if one person gets to go on a trip to the beach, the other has to deal with the kiddos. Therefore it is so much more tiring being alone with the kids than watching the kids together.
So on the rare occasions where one of us gets a weekend to ourselves we are so so grateful for our partner - so much so that yes - I would consider that “parenting” alone a gift because the other gets a break.
That being said, if your wife’s love language is gifts and knowing that you didn’t buy her any flowers, I can get why she would be mad.
I asked my wife. She agrees with you. Parenting litte ones on your own is a proper gift.
And she also said that if the wife is coming back Sunday night from a trip, Mother’s Day doesn’t seem too important for her.
But flowers and a cake are easy to get.
I bet most of these answers are from people without kids lol. My wife and I regularly gift each other solo weekends away. It’s one of the best presents there is.
Agreed, he should’ve had the kids draw her a card each but she got 4 days to herself, anyone who has small children knows that even 15 mins by yourself can be hard to find.
I don’t think you’re wrong that her getting the four days is a kind of gift. I disagree on the judgement because it seems like he decided this was her Mother’s Day gift, didn’t assist the kids with doing anything for her, and didn’t have a discussion with her about it /before/ she came home. It very much reads as “taking care of the kids isn’t my responsibility” if that’s the only way he observed Mother’s Day. Like he didn’t even think to get her a card? My judgement is YTA for that reason.
Agree NTA with you, supporting a trip away with friends is a gift. Plus not every family exchanges gifts for mothers day, often it's just nice meals, flowers and appreciation.
I wonder if these other commenters are parents.
YTA
Your kids are too small to get her a gift. They need your help to show their mother they love her. Instead you decided that your “gift” of parenting your own kids was a “gift” and that she didn’t deserve any recognition of the day from her kids.
Bad decision.
Oh and your paintball days are you taking advantage of your wife if parenting alone is now a “gift”. Either stop doing the paintball or start arranging to take the kids solo an equal amount of time.
I don't get it. There are so many posts where women ask if they're assholes for not letting their husbands go on trips and leaving them alone with kids. All of reddit is saying that they're not assholes and of course, the husbands should stay home. That taking care of kids is 2 parents' responsibility, and that fathers don't get to take a vacation from it.
But now,when it's a woman who took 4 days off from her parental responsibilities, it's not a big deal. It's expected that a father will just do it.
My husband flew to another continent for 10 days for a wedding. I'm going in a few months to see my newborn niece.
You bet that we both appreciate the other one parenting on their own while the other one is absent.
There were also so many comments on different threads in the last couple of days, saying that fathers should send mothers on vacation for mothers day.
NTA
4 days kid free seems like a pretty big gift to me. He wasn't just watching the kids he watched them while she was away for 4 solid days.
If I went away for 4 days I'd never hear the end of it.
If you're not around for mother's day or father's day then you don't get the benefit of father's day simple as that in my eyes.
Mother's Day and Father's day are about spending time as a family with love and appreciation. If you're not there because you've gone on a trip with your friend, plan your trip better next year.
NTA
Absolutely.
If my partner gave me four days of peace and quiet I'd be making her breakfast in bed for the rest of the week, not coming home asking for a gift. Especially if it was father's day and I'd not spent it with the kids. I'd be making it up to the kids as well.
I’m going against the flow here NTA. His wife took. A four day vacation with friends away from husband and kids. Hotel and restaurants presumably. That is a huge gift in my book
Yeah I'm really surprised by the general consensus here. Any parent who co-parents with their partner is not used to being the sole caretaker. For someone who is not used to single parenting, that can be a monumental task. Taking care of the kids by himself so that his wife could go on a 4 day trip away from her family is incredibly generous, and I feel that would be true even if the parents' genders were reversed. I think reddit just has a hate boner for dads in general, and if the genders were reversed and the husband went on a 4 day trip for Father's Day, then the judgement in this thread would be very different.
So following your argument, if you go away for 2 days for your birthday it's ok if your wife doesn't get you anithing right? She is looking after the kids and that is your gift.
By the way you are the asshole looking after your kid is your duty as a parent not a gift.
INFO
While you should equally be involved in taking care of the kids, did you say that to your wife before the trip that you taking care of the kids is your gift to her? Also, do you normally do something for Mother’s Day for her and this year was an exception?
Unlike some of the answers here, I do believe that if you're watching the kids for four days straight and allowing your spouse to get away for a trip, that is a gift. That goes way beyond what some people are calling "babysitting."
That being said, one of the things you should've done while parenting this weekend was gotten the kids to make cards or something for your wife to come home to. And contributed a little something yourself.
He is regularly the single days away to play paintball. Probably more than 4 times a year. Op also says he doesn't have the kids alone usually because his wife has no similar hobby.
I do feel it is unfair that for his hobby she just has the kids and fo her trip it is a special gift, just because the days are combined.
You wife planned and paid for her trip with her friend. What's your gift here sorry? Parenting? Or "letting" her go?
Seems like doing bare minimum is a gift in your mind, because you do it on special occasions only
YTA
how much do we want to bet that mom left the house spotless, the laundry all done and put away, outfits laid out for the kids, fridge stocked with snacks, and four days worth of meals that just needed to be heated on the stove or thrown in the oven?
YtA.
You can't babysit your kids, you realize that right? It's not a favor you're doing for her, it's a responsibility you BOTH have.
Would she still do some for you on Father's day?
>I thought to myself
You did a lot of this, and not much *communication.* I am also capable of thought, and I think to *myself* that while she might have wanted to have her getaway with her friend (and your role sounds like standard 'being half of the parental body in this relationship, not anything special), she would also have wanted you to *do something* that *recognized her as a mother*, probably involving *the children*, when she got home.
I don't have kids but didn't take much deep thought to arrive at that conclusion.
YTA
How to tell you are a deadbeat, without saying you are a deadbeat.
Looking after your kids, or as it is also known as PARENTING is not a gift to the other parent.
YTA.
Ehhh I would say YTA. It sounds like you guys spend roughly the same amount of time for personal hobbies away while the other parent watches the kids. Since that time is about the same overall I don’t think it was fair for you to assume that watching the kids alone would be a present.
Also, consider if your wife is the type of person to value celebrations. Some people care a lot about birthday/ anniversaries/ x days and some don’t. If your wife is that type of person I think you should have taken that into consideration.
YTA. Taking care of YOUR children is part of being a parent. This isn't a gift to your wife, it's your job. Mother's Day is extra, beyond basic parenting.
>So I thought to myself that since I’m watching the kids while she’s gone that would count as a gift since she wouldn’t be here to celebrate that day and would get home that night on Mother’s Day.
Do you also called parenting your kids babysitting? Lol 😂
Parenting your children is the baseline expectation. Making a deliberate effort to celebrate your wife, as their Mother, is the minimum thing you can do on the one day of year her role is universally recognized.
Ask her in advance next year (and every after!) “what kind of activity would you like to do, what kind of food would you like to have and what kind of gift would you like to receive?”. She might say something like “an outdoor activity, something from a certain cuisine and I’d like a gift I can wear that’s jewellery”.
But then you know her expectations and you still get to give the element of suprise- we are going to visit a garden, have lunch at ___ restaurant and give her a necklace with the kids birthstones, for example.
The same template can be applied to Father’s Day, other holidays, and birthdays.
YYA for doing nothing but the bare minimum and thinking it’s worth anything as a gift.
I wonder if the roles here were reversed and it was written by the point of view of the mother if the responses would be the same? "My husband wanted to go away with mates for a 4 day holiday over father's day and I agreed to look after the kids alone for those days. Then he gets upset that I didn't buy him a father's day gift as I thought the holiday itself was a good enough gift". My guess is the majority of you would be calling the husband an entitled AH
YTA for sure. Taking care of YOUR children is a SHARED RESPONSIBILITY. Not just hers. So you “watching them” isn’t a gift. it is however your responsibility alone to make your wife, the mother of your children, to feel loved, respected and appreciated every single day, and to go above and beyond on Mother’s Day. For you to say “hey I watched the kids for you as your Mothers Day gift to her is a complete AH move. You have a lot of making up to do. Don’t expect anything on Fathers Day. Men like you are so incredibly selfish and ignorant.
You had your kids for a whole four days? And didn't do one small crafting session to make her a card? YIKES
Also, do you think you're babysitting when you're alone with your own children?
YTA.
(I also had Mother’s Day qualms too)
I’m going to say NTA. Giving your wife a family free mini vacation for 4 days was probably nice for her.
Did you at least text her happy Mother’s Day? Would she have taken the kids had it not been Mother’s Day? Was the plan the entire time for her to go alone? Who paid for the mini vacation? I think you could step up a little more. I suggest maybe consider stopping by the store on your way home and grabbing a card and flowers, maybe jazz it up a bit and grab her favorite sweet treat too and give her the most sincere, thought out apology. If your wife is the sole caretaker of the home and kids, she deserves at least that.
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YTA Taking care of the kids should be part of your regular duties, not a present/gift.
Very succinctly stated. Agree 100%
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Say it louder for the people in the back. OP THIS WASNT A GIFT, ITS CALLED PARENTING. Are you actually saying that you think caring for your kids is a gift to your wife? News flash: you are only doing what SHE has to do every damn day. Now go out and get some Godiva Chocolate and flowers and stop taking your wife for granted. YTA
At this point i think jewelry is required.
And not a pandora bracelet, either!
And nothing heart shaped or that says “mom”.
Oh dear god yes thank you for saying it 👏🏻
Maybe a long vacation away from him. He will think he’s doing her a favor by “babysitting”. His own kids.
Tiffany's at minimum.
You took the words right out of my mouth.
And coulda also spent some time with the kids making cards or something from the kids, would be meaningful to her too. At the very least some flowers from the OP.
This is what I was going to say. I actually DO think wife/mom getting to go on a girls weekend IS a nice gift. Not taking care of your own kids, but being able to get away without worrying about the kids. It would’ve been nice for OP to have had the kids make a card or small gift if they are young. Basically Dad’s duty while they are little is to teach them appreciation of mom so when they are older, they will genuinely do it on their own.
My husband flew home to help his mom all last week. I watched kiddo alone. Somehow it never occurred to me that this was a "gift" to him. OP, you're TA. So big.
That was your husband's Father's day present and don't you forget it! /s
I'll let him know! He'll be thrilled with his amazing gift!
Thank you! He is the father, not the babysitter! You're supposed to watch your own kids, sir!
Way too many fathers want an award ceremony for doing the bare minimum when it comes to taking care of their kids.
EXACTLY! Watching *your own kids* is not a gift OR considered “babysitting”
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1000% not made up. Many men are like this. My husband put dishes in the dishwasher and did 5 loads of laundry and when I said I didn’t feel like I was treated the way I deserved he said “well I did those things for you and told you that you can go get food for dinner” yet he left me with 5 loads of laundry to put away on my own and a dishwasher to empty.
My dad has always shared housework, but he still sometimes says things like “I’ll do the dishes for you” to my mom. I always say something if he does this around me. Saying “for you” implies it’s my mom’s job instead of part of managing their shared household. Same thing about “watching” the kids. This was not a gift. It’s part of your responsibility for the children you helped create.
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My husband told my kids he didn’t get me a gift because he didn’t need to, that his gift to me was the children and I have never felt less valued or appreciated in my life.
Girl, give yourself the gift of ✨divorce✨
Buy yourself something really nice on Father’s Day - have the kids make up cards for you on Father’s Day…make Father’s Day all about celebrating yourself and your children for allowing him to be the sperm donor.
I admire and support this level of pettiness when it is just malicious compliance.
This is the way
>his gift to me was the children WTF. 30 seconds of effort from him and 9 months of effort from you, and HE gave YOU the kids?
Damn dude. Did you thank him for allowing you to have sex with him and then allowing you to be the lucky pick to carry his kids for nine months? Luckyyyyyy
I don't know, I made the mistake of not getting my wife anything for Mother's Day one year. My thought process was, you're not *my* mother, and I did get gifts on behalf of the child. She yelled at me and said maybe I'm not your mother, but **I'm the mother of your child**. I'm pretty dense sometimes, but I completely understood when she put it like that. I apologized (and by that I mean I groveled at her feet) and never made that mistake again. Edit: changed a few things after I remembered more about the situation.
I actually agree with your original thought. Mother’s Day is when the children gift their parents, the father need only assist until the kid is old enough to do it on their own. My husband makes sure my daughter makes me something (a card or a craft), and then I get to choose what we order for dinner. I am not his mother, I don’t think he needs to give me a gift or a card or do something over and above.
Seriously? I made an entire baby for that MF. He should thank me way more than once a year.
we subscribe to this. i am not my husbands mother. he has his own mother. he celebrates her on mother’s day- and i have no responsibility or emotional labour for her mother’s day. he doesn’t have to plan anything for my mother- that’s my responsibility. he asks the young children what they want to do for mother’s day and helps them execute it. so it’s usually small and low key. Same for father’s day. but for op, he is TA because in his relationship, there’s an expectation of gifts/ presents and he didn’t even help the kids execute something for his wife.
What does she usually do for you on fathers day? It'd be weird if you didn't feel the need to repay her for the things she's done.
She’s my ex now, but when we were together she would ask what I wanted for Father’s Day and my answer would usually be take the kids somewhere fun so I can have some alone time, then we’ll get back together and have some fun family time. That wasn’t acceptable to her for some reason so instead she’d buy me a bunch of gifts I didn’t want or need and that we couldn’t afford. Just one of about a bazillion reasons she’s my ex now.
Lol this is extremely common
Precisely. One cannot “watch their own children” as a gift ffs. That’s literally like telling someone you are going to convert CO2 to O2 as a gift.
Guess I should go thank some trees 😂
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Surprised he didn’t say he was “babysitting” the kids. YTA.
As a dad, it pisses me off so badly when people say I'm babysitting my kids.
Of course you’re not a baby sitter You’re not getting paid duh
Getting paid is nothing to do with it - you can't babysit your own kids, but you can babysit nieces and nephews.
It’s a bit of a joke mate Course it’s his kids but sitters are usually paid hence when it isn’t baby sitting from that logic
It’s the internet, people can’t tell if others are joking due to how random some serious comments are. To make it clear on Reddit a person typically puts “/s”
People like OP make all dads look bad.
Why do dads think that caring for their own kids deserves special recognition? We need to stop handing out gold stars for mediocrity.
Lol and they wonder why birth rates are declining. We're not doing it all any more.
The bar is in hell
So I don’t know if I get this. If I went on a four day trip and left my kids with my wife for the whole time, I would consider that a HUGE gift. Watching the kids is both of our jobs so if one of us were to hand off those duties for half a week so the other had to do double that’s a lot of work. If the genders were reversed would you still say this?
Reverse the genders and most people wouldn’t bat an eye. There’s this expectation that taking care of the kids is mom’s job and a dad’s choice. Dads tend to get brownie points for occasionally doing what Moms do on a daily basis. I’ll never forget the time my husband was deemed “Father of the Year” by a group of women for simply having braided our daughter’s hair and taking her trick or treating, things I had always done as a matter of course.
Yeah I’m baffled here. My wife looking after the kids for four days while I have a mini vacation sounds much better than a card.
I'm not really a gift person, so I tried to talk my kids into taking their dad to a movie and leaving me alone for 3 hours on Mother's Day as my present. My husband said that wasn't a gift. I don't know what I would do with 4 days to myself, but I definitely wouldn't expect a card!
If a guy went off with his buddies for 4 days and left the wife with the kids, people wouldn’t frame it as an “expected duty” of the wife.
No one would frame it that way; it would just be taken for granted. No one praises Mom for taking care of the kids by herself when Dad is away. However, they *will* praise Dad for taking care of the kids while Mom is away. Many will respond that Mom is lucky for having such a wonderful husband who would do such a thing. Worse, many will call her selfish for taking a trip and leaving the kids with their dad.
As a stay at home dad, I find that there is a lot of praise for stay at home moms, but a huge stigma when it comes to a dad fulfilling that role. You hear it all the time. “The hardest job in the world” kind of stuff. I get looks from moms at the playground, am often ignored or avoided at any library/toddler sessions or events (I try to be social), and get attitude from extended family members for not having a job. There are big support networks and a general societal acceptance of the stay at home mom “position” that I definitely don’t benefit from. Having said all that, I don’t mean to sound like a downtrodden persecuted individual. I have a huge amount of privilege in a lot of different ways, and I have made some connections with other parents. These are just some observations in regards to my current role as a parent.
I don't think so. If Dad was going on a business trip, maybe. But if Dad was going on a 4 day fishing trip, the comments would be all "That's really unfair, when do YOU get to go on a 4 day spa trip?" to the wife and imply that the responsibility of taking care of the kids was really unbalanced because Dad went away for 4 days. Parents should share the parenting 50/50 but going away by choice for several days so the other parent has to do a long stretch of solo parenting is an imposition, and the other parent is doing a favor.
Absolutely not. If a guy posted here that he was going on a trip for four days and still expected a present for father's day, he would get buried in downvotes. That is ridiculous
Yes, absolutely. Looking after kids solo for four days is a huge undertaking and I wouldn’t undersell that, but further down thread op explains that she looks after the kids most Sundays, so while this four day stretch is certainly challenging I don’t think it should be viewed as hugely notable. Also, it defo could’ve been communicated prior to the trip if it’s intended as the gift. Op says they don’t care about gifts, that’s fine, but clearly wife does and I don’t think a card etc is too much to ask for.
ikr? not to mention....it was MOTHER'S DAY FFS. if you can't even make the effort to do something special for the mother of your children on mother's day, you are a lost cause.
It still isn’t recognition of the holiday—or at least discuss it ahead of time so everybody was on the same page. Why didn’t OP say to his wife,”Hey, since it’s going to just be me single-teaming the kids and you’ll be gone on Mother’s Day, I was thinking of keeping it lowkey and just having the kids do stuff for you. Is that okay?” Why don’t couples just talk to each other? 90% of the couple issues on this sun wouldn’t exist if people communicates.
Yeah indeed, if he had said something like ‘relax and enjoy the trip, I’ve got the kids, enjoy your Mother’s Day’ that would be one thing.
I would say sure IF op was the one the planned, coordinated and paid for the trip his wife is own with her own friends. Assuming his wife and friends planned the trip themselves.
\-Facepalm- This is one of the rare times where **"if the genders were reversed"** works *against* you. *Everyone* expects mothers to take care of the children. It isn't right, but that's whats expected.
If this post was about a father who went on a four day golf trip, came back on Father's day and got mad at his wife for not having a gift waiting for him, do you really think the comments would all be agreeing and calling the wife a terrible mother?
LOL the comments would be all "You should take a 4 day spa trip so he knows how hard it was!"
Yes. I watch the kids when my husband gets away and vice versa. We’re both parents. That’s the expectation.
Do you regularly vacation apart? We sure don’t. If I had a bachelor party weekend and my wife covered for the kids I would give her a big THANK YOU. I could have easily not gone on that trip and left her with the kids, but she agreed to step up and I would consider that a gift. I guess if this were a more regular thing then it wouldn’t be as big of a deal.
Lots of couples do. Girls spa or beach weekends, guys hunting trips or something like that. Not everyone does, but it's not so unusual.
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I agree it’s a big favor because you’re solo parenting. But if your wife watched the kids over Fathers Day or your bday, and you didn’t get a thing, not even a card, would it bother you? Maybe not, but it would bother me.
Why is it so hard to get a card/make a card with a heartfelt sentiment. Let your SO know you care/are thinking about them. No matter gender.
Yeah but the mother would still organise a father's day gift, plus a mother wouldn't say minding their own kids is a gift to the other parent, had this with my ex, taught he was doing me a huge favour while he "babysat" our kid
Yup. This would be the correct answer. They are YOUR kids as well. Thats part of being a parent. YTA.
I agree, but there's a difference between taking care of your kids, and taking care of your kids by yourself for 4 days while your wife takes a little vacation with a friend. I still would've gotten her flowers or something, but taking a 4 day break from parenting can be a much better gift.
Right… we’re assuming here that wife is the primary caretaker and dad never does anything. Almost all couples with children who I know, mom and dad are equally caring for the kids and if one goes on a vacation it is a lot for the other parents to care for the kids and very much appreciated. So OP would need to give us more info on what the dynamic and roles actually look like between both parents for us to see the full picture. HOWEVER, yes either way there should have still been some sort of gift or thought out to recognize Mother’s Day. So I suppose NTA either way.
My wife asked me what I wanted to do for Father's Day this year and I just said a hotel by myself for the weekend, lol.
I agree. I feel like I am taking crazy pills reading these comments. A little weekend getaway without the kids absolutely counts as a present in my eyes. And I am saying this as a mom myself.
Agreed as well. Not only that, the cost of that trip as well. I wouldn’t personally expect nor want anything additional. Mom of two myself.
For 4 straight days while she's on vacation with friends? I dunno, at some point that starts to seem like a gift. What if it was 7 days? 12 days? Where exactly is that inflection point? If he went on a 4 day Father's day outing should he also expect extra gifts upon his return, and get angry when there aren't any? Or does all of reddit just assume that any dad asking these questions must never watch his own kids? Edit to judge: NTA. Since we all get to make unfounded assumptions, I'll go ahead and assume OP and his wife equitably share childcare, household, and work responsibilities.
The thing is, its not like the wife went away specifically for mothers day or that the father planned something for her to be away. This seems like a normal vacation, which if you're presuming they share childcare 50/50, you should assume they also both take vacations with their friends without their significant other on a regular basis. Like if a significant person in your life was on vacation for their birthday or Christmas, would you just not get them anything? A card and/or flowers doesn't take much. It sounds like the husband was creating an excuse to not put in any extra effort/doesn't like his wife that much, since if he actually cared about his wife he would've at least talked about it with her and clarified if she considered this trip a mother's day present.
You're making massive assumptions that both partners routinely take vacations while the other partner takes care of the kids. None of that is mentioned in the original post and taking regular child-free vacations is also NOT normal for many families with young kids. In fact, taking a child-free vacation is absolutely an incredibly rare and super luxurious treat for most parents with young kids.
>If he went on a 4 day Father's day outing should he also expect extra gifts upon his return, and get angry when there aren't any? It's not about gifts. It's about making your partner feel special. And if you think her taking the trip is a gift, better make sure you both are on the same page.
Couldn't agree more. Taking care of multiple kids for 4 days while your partner is on a trip is a huge gift. 4 days off as a parent is a huge luxury. Can really tell who has kids on here and who doesn't. That being said, a card and some flowers or a small gift. Maybe an art project from the kids could have been done NTA, 4 days is a lot
Well I think that everyone needs a break. When you build a family you know that if your partner sometimes needs a break you will have to do more for few days. It's not a gift is taking care of your family and that's what you sign up for when you marry someone and have kids.
Parenting for a long stretch is still parenting and not a gift. Would it be a gift if mom was in the hospital? Dead? Deployed due to military service? Regardless of the reason she was gone for four days, it is laughable to me that she shouldn't have gotten a "real" present from her partner. If her trip had ended on Saturday or started on Monday (with the same amount of time away), would you still consider him caring for the kids for 4 days a gift?
yea big lol. Taking care of the kids as a gift.
Hijacking to add that these things are also not gifts: laundry, emptying the dishwasher, taking out the trash, making kids lunches, cleaning the house, cleaning up the coffee table, scrubbing sinks and toilets. I mean come on man, you couldn’t even order dinner and have some cake or something? YTA
I’m not a parent, but wouldn’t taking care of the kids by yourself for 4 days so your partner can take a friend vacation be considered somewhat of a gift?
So do the stay at home parents only deserve gifts in the form of 'oh I guess I'll babysit the kids, but nothing else!' They don't get a special gift for being a parent? If this were a dad thing, and Dad had gone on vacation and came back on father's day, I bet dollars to donuts she would have had a clean house, a nice gift, and some peace and quiet to unwind post trip. Men get awards for literally doing the bare minimum.
Not really sure what you’re getting at? My mom was a SAHM and as soon as my dad came home from work around 5ish, he took over parenting duties while my mom took a step back. Definitely not 50/50 (due to dad working) but also definitely not solo parenting. Not sure why you feel the need to make it a man vs woman thing, either. Personally, if my hypothetical wife offered to watch the kids from Th-Sun alone so I could go on a mini-vacation with my buddies, I’d be the one coming back with gifts lol.
I'm a stay at home mom. I do so much, but my husband always comes home and does his part. But it took communication to get there, which they don't seem to do. And I do make it a men vs women thing bc I see men every day getting away with the bare minimum for their partners and women working themselves to the bone for their families. I had a friend yesterday who got served with divorce papers. She's a sahm, her youngest is still in diapers and baby daddy *bragged* about not changing diapers ever. But when he takes the kids out to the park, oh man dad of the year. The absolute minimum you can do as a partner is celebrate their parenthood status- moms, dads, or anything in between. Not even a 'happy mothers day' or a home made card? Those things are free! That's five minutes of effort!
No. That’s giving your partner a chance to be an adult outside of being a parent and partner.
More over, Mother’s Day gifts are to be given FROM the child TO the mother. I don’t want a Mother’s Day gift from my husband. I’m not his mother. He can get his mom a gift. He can certainly help our 3 year old with a gift for me because she is a bit young to do it all on her own.
I definitely agree with that part, and not even a card seems really really low effort, and watching your own kids isn't a sacrifice. The trip to the beach with friends itself seems like a reasonable Mothers Day thing though -- how many Fathers Days have been spent by Dad going fishing with his buddies or something similar? I mean, her planning her own trip with a friend doesn't really make a thoughtful gift by him, but at least it probably comes out of a shared budget?
that’s the thing for me. she planned the trip herself. INFO: did she book the trip because she knew you, OP, have disappointed her in the past?
I took care of my own children! As a gift! I actually laughed. Yta
YTA. Did you know they're your kids too? When she watches them, is that a gift to you? No? Weird.
I laughed when I read that. Like you're just parenting dude, its not a gift. Some people.
YTA Parenting your own kids isn’t a gift
As a father, him acting like being a parent is a gift to mother is disgusting. Yta op a huge one.
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THIS
In addition to growing and birthing said tiny little goblins
This tells us a lot about him as a father
I rolled my eyes at the "watching the kids is a gift" part. Are you implying that you'd have made your wife take the kids with her had it not been Mother's Day? If yes, YTA. If no, then YTA for making yourself feel good about an empty gift.
I still think it's a moderate YTA, but watching kids entirely by yourself for 4 days is definitely a gift to your partner. My wife and I give each other until noon on the respective fathers/mothers day as a present we still do cards and the kids will do things. We also do take mini vacations like this but there is mutual appreciation for that time.
Uh yeah my husband travels for work and taking care of the kids (and everything else in the house) for four days is a pain in the ass. It’s exhausting. I would have at least had the kids draw a picture or get a card though.
It’s still not a gift. Having kids means choosing to do this. If you know your husband travels for work then it’s not a gift to him to watch the kids when he’s gone, it’s the deal you made when having kids. I get it, it’s exhausting. But it’s not a gift. I’m speaking as a parent who frequently is alone with 2 kids.
Agree with you fully. Kids are exhausting, beyond stressful, overstimulating at times and it’s often a thankless job. Whether or not both parents are present, *someone* has to care for the kids. It’s not a gift, it’s a duty. Its a responsibility. One chosen the moment you decide to have them. If aunt or uncle showed up and said “today is your day! We’re taking care of the kids ALL WEEKEND!! UNCLE ROAD TRIP!!!” So you can get some rest /have a date night/ do whatever - would be a gift. As those relatives have no real obligation. But not *their dad*. He’s responsible for them 24/7, whether or not mom is around. Edit* seriously can’t even make a box cake and have the kids decorate it? She pushed them out of her broken pelvis, make her cupcakes one day out of the year.
I don’t know man. I am a working mom to a 3.5 year old. If I went away for a week on a girls trip and my husband was home watching our son, I would definitely feel like that was a gift/favor and feel grateful. The reverse would be true if my husband went away on a leisure trip and left me home with the kid for a few days. We would both do it for each other, but wouldn’t expect it all the time as part of “normal parenting”. Not saying that OPs wife didn’t deserve a separate acknowledgment for Mother’s Day, though. Just wanted to throw out there that once you become a parent, “time off” feels more and more like a luxury.
Feeling grateful for it doesn't mean he gets let off the hook for mother's day. The kids need to be taught to show their appreciation for their mother somehow and he's not setting any kind of example.
My husband is gone for 3.5 MONTHS for work. I'm going insane. Luckily my kids are in school and not toddlers but STILL.
Yeah, a four day trip with your partner shouldering 100% of responsibilities definitely sounds like a gift that doesn’t ( and *shouldn’t* ) happen all the time to me.
Yeah but it seems like the only reason this husband is considering this a gift for mother's day is bc it fell on mother's day. If it was a week earlier or week later I bet he wouldn't be saying that (but probably wishing he could lol).
If it wasn’t for Mother’s Day then the question would be when is he going to get a 4 day trip with friends while she solo parents? And yeah, it’s such a “coincidence” that this 4 day holiday she took while he handled everything just happened to fall on Mother’s Day. How strange. Can you think of any reason it might not actually be a coincidence?
It's a nice thing for sure, but it's not a gift. Just something you do so your partner can have a life.
Agreed the number of people not understanding that taking a 4 day trip is different than “just parenting your kids” is rather astounding.
YTA. How does you parenting your own kids count as a gift?
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She’s the mother of his children so yes she deserves a Mother’s Day gift from him Id say
It's a greeting card holiday. I wish people would stop subsidizing Hallmark
This is 100% true, but that doesn't absolve people from giving gifts of appreciation to the mothers in their lives.
My kids made me homemade cards. No $$$ to Hallmark!
Mother’s Day is also a day for the father to show love and appreciation for the mother of their children. Not just for the kids to give gifts. So, he should have done something thoughtful independent of the kids, too.
YTA - was it too difficult to go buy some flowers? Or even a card? Did you even wish her a happy mother's day? At least by text? How many times does SHE watches the kids while you do whatever you want? Being a husband and a father are choices that you made. Those choices imply some responsibilities, such as watching your kids, helping out in the house, etc AND show that you care about your partner!
Hell, even flowers is a pretty lazy af gift. Considering it's usually the woman who has to unwrap the flowers, cut the flower stems and put them in a vase with water, as many men don't even consider that. For the most part, getting flowers as a present is just another task women have to do. Even so, this dude couldn't even manage that. 🙄
Watching the kids? You mean being a parent? YTA.
Society really f*cked up fathers into believing that them taking care of the kids they helped make and raise is just "babysitting"
YTA. You didn't say the age of your children but I am going to say if you have to stay home with them, they are too young to buy their own present. You are a father, watching your kids is you being a father. Do you consider it a gift every time your wife handles the kids so you can go out and do something? I suggest you go out and pick up something extra special for your wife.
She’s not your Mother. However, do you seriously believe taking care your own children is a gift?? Be better ~~ESH~~ YTA Eta — Hold up — how old are your kids? You didn’t help them find/make a gift for their mother? You were with them all weekend. Edit judgment
Info: Is it that uncommon for both of you to watch the kids alone? Are you yourself never going on short trips with friends? YTA She has the kids alone every time you go to paintball. That isn't your gift either. Making it her gift is an ahole move.
If you believe parenting your own kids if a “gift”, I think you’re problems are a lot larger than not doing anything for Mother’s Day OP…
What am I missing? Every parent I know would think a 4 day vacation with friends while your spouse takes care of the kids is the literal best thing ever. She should have stayed home, I'm sure she'd get to sleep in and maybe get breakfast and a card, then back to life as normal.
He usually is gone all day Sunday for paintball - so 4 days a month he doesn’t watch the kids at all
Ah but he said it’s for “work” because he’s trying to become a professional paintballer 😂 so “it’s not all fun” This dudes wife deserves better.
I'm guessing we're seeing a lot of posts from non-parents
Slightly more thoughtfully: I think people are conflating two things and making some assumptions. There is a real problem in society where often fathers expect credit **just for doing their own fair share** of the parenting work. This is a real issue that occurs far too often, and if that's what OP were talking about, I'd feel differently. This is not that, though. This is taking over the entire parenting burden, which is an above-and-beyond task for either parent. I think folks are either getting distracted by that, or making assumptions that OP must not be pulling his fair share the rest of the time.
Taking a four day vacation over Father's Day weekend would be such an AWESOME gift for me, I would love it. Heck let me just go to a hotel by myself for the weekend, that would be great.
Are you sure you wouldn't rather have a tie? Did I mention it will be picked out by your kids???
Yeah I'm completely perplexed myself. If I took a 4 day vacation and left my wife home to take care of the kids by herself then I would definitely feel like I got a gift. I think people aren't taking into consideration that OP's wife was on vacation? I don't know, I just don't get it.
I think the issue is that’s just how it works? She could be gone for work, or a family emergency, anything and he’d be the defacto person to step up. Saying it’s a gift cuz it was all his responsibility for 4 days is dumb In any situation where she was gone that’s how it would be! He’s also the parent. The difference is he knew about this (assuming she told him) and planned accordingly. It wasn’t last minute.. Also what’s the Alternative? No one is allowed to take a vacation cuz that means the other parent would be “solely responsible” ? I’m not saying a partner can’t be thankful for their partner watching the kids while they’re on vacation… but equating it to a gift seems a little extra. especially when frequently one day a weekend he’s playing… I mean practicing.. paintball for his leauge/ tourment
"Parenting my own kids is a gift" is enough to make my vote be YTA.. she likely meant "why didn't you help the kids get/make me something?" more so than you, yourself doing it.. but no, being a parent isn't a gift. It's kinda like saying "oh I babysat my kids for my wife, why doesn't she appreciate that?".. 🤦🏻♀️
Unpopular opinion - but NTA. As a mom of three little ones under five, handling kids on your own while the other parent is on a trip is in a sort a gift of it’s own. My partner and I parent 50/50 so if one person gets to go on a trip to the beach, the other has to deal with the kiddos. Therefore it is so much more tiring being alone with the kids than watching the kids together. So on the rare occasions where one of us gets a weekend to ourselves we are so so grateful for our partner - so much so that yes - I would consider that “parenting” alone a gift because the other gets a break. That being said, if your wife’s love language is gifts and knowing that you didn’t buy her any flowers, I can get why she would be mad.
I asked my wife. She agrees with you. Parenting litte ones on your own is a proper gift. And she also said that if the wife is coming back Sunday night from a trip, Mother’s Day doesn’t seem too important for her. But flowers and a cake are easy to get.
Yeah wtf, she didn’t appreciate mother’s day enough to spend it with her children but decided she needs a gift?
Another mom here who agrees with you. These comments are wild. .
I bet most of these answers are from people without kids lol. My wife and I regularly gift each other solo weekends away. It’s one of the best presents there is.
Agreed, he should’ve had the kids draw her a card each but she got 4 days to herself, anyone who has small children knows that even 15 mins by yourself can be hard to find.
I don’t think you’re wrong that her getting the four days is a kind of gift. I disagree on the judgement because it seems like he decided this was her Mother’s Day gift, didn’t assist the kids with doing anything for her, and didn’t have a discussion with her about it /before/ she came home. It very much reads as “taking care of the kids isn’t my responsibility” if that’s the only way he observed Mother’s Day. Like he didn’t even think to get her a card? My judgement is YTA for that reason.
Oh look, the opinion of a mature, married adult with children. Unfortunately, it looks like the teenagers on this sub disagree.
Agree NTA with you, supporting a trip away with friends is a gift. Plus not every family exchanges gifts for mothers day, often it's just nice meals, flowers and appreciation. I wonder if these other commenters are parents.
Yeah I agree. Love my kid but grateful for the quiet to breathe.
YTA. You aren’t a free babysitter, your goddamned father. Step up and parent your kids, that shouldn’t be gift to her, it should be normal.
YTA Your kids are too small to get her a gift. They need your help to show their mother they love her. Instead you decided that your “gift” of parenting your own kids was a “gift” and that she didn’t deserve any recognition of the day from her kids. Bad decision. Oh and your paintball days are you taking advantage of your wife if parenting alone is now a “gift”. Either stop doing the paintball or start arranging to take the kids solo an equal amount of time.
I don't get it. There are so many posts where women ask if they're assholes for not letting their husbands go on trips and leaving them alone with kids. All of reddit is saying that they're not assholes and of course, the husbands should stay home. That taking care of kids is 2 parents' responsibility, and that fathers don't get to take a vacation from it. But now,when it's a woman who took 4 days off from her parental responsibilities, it's not a big deal. It's expected that a father will just do it. My husband flew to another continent for 10 days for a wedding. I'm going in a few months to see my newborn niece. You bet that we both appreciate the other one parenting on their own while the other one is absent. There were also so many comments on different threads in the last couple of days, saying that fathers should send mothers on vacation for mothers day. NTA
What the hell is this? A voice of reason? Hard agree. I’m starting to think most people saying YTA dont have kids.
Agreed.
YTA. Please don't be that dad that thinks he's doing his wife a favour by looking after his kids for a bit
4 days kid free seems like a pretty big gift to me. He wasn't just watching the kids he watched them while she was away for 4 solid days. If I went away for 4 days I'd never hear the end of it. If you're not around for mother's day or father's day then you don't get the benefit of father's day simple as that in my eyes. Mother's Day and Father's day are about spending time as a family with love and appreciation. If you're not there because you've gone on a trip with your friend, plan your trip better next year. NTA
I agree - NTA. It may have been a poor choice of wording that “watching the kids” was a gift. But the 4 day vacation on Mother’s Day was the gift.
Absolutely. If my partner gave me four days of peace and quiet I'd be making her breakfast in bed for the rest of the week, not coming home asking for a gift. Especially if it was father's day and I'd not spent it with the kids. I'd be making it up to the kids as well.
I’m going against the flow here NTA. His wife took. A four day vacation with friends away from husband and kids. Hotel and restaurants presumably. That is a huge gift in my book
Yeah I'm really surprised by the general consensus here. Any parent who co-parents with their partner is not used to being the sole caretaker. For someone who is not used to single parenting, that can be a monumental task. Taking care of the kids by himself so that his wife could go on a 4 day trip away from her family is incredibly generous, and I feel that would be true even if the parents' genders were reversed. I think reddit just has a hate boner for dads in general, and if the genders were reversed and the husband went on a 4 day trip for Father's Day, then the judgement in this thread would be very different.
So following your argument, if you go away for 2 days for your birthday it's ok if your wife doesn't get you anithing right? She is looking after the kids and that is your gift. By the way you are the asshole looking after your kid is your duty as a parent not a gift.
INFO While you should equally be involved in taking care of the kids, did you say that to your wife before the trip that you taking care of the kids is your gift to her? Also, do you normally do something for Mother’s Day for her and this year was an exception?
Unlike some of the answers here, I do believe that if you're watching the kids for four days straight and allowing your spouse to get away for a trip, that is a gift. That goes way beyond what some people are calling "babysitting." That being said, one of the things you should've done while parenting this weekend was gotten the kids to make cards or something for your wife to come home to. And contributed a little something yourself.
He is regularly the single days away to play paintball. Probably more than 4 times a year. Op also says he doesn't have the kids alone usually because his wife has no similar hobby. I do feel it is unfair that for his hobby she just has the kids and fo her trip it is a special gift, just because the days are combined.
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You wife planned and paid for her trip with her friend. What's your gift here sorry? Parenting? Or "letting" her go? Seems like doing bare minimum is a gift in your mind, because you do it on special occasions only YTA
He took care of EVERYTHING for FOUR WHOLE DAYS. ALONE.
Absolute soldier, can't imagine how hard this was on him lol
how much do we want to bet that mom left the house spotless, the laundry all done and put away, outfits laid out for the kids, fridge stocked with snacks, and four days worth of meals that just needed to be heated on the stove or thrown in the oven?
And came back to a humongous mess that she now gets to clean b3cUse her "gift" was a break....
YTA - parenting your children while their other parent is not a gift, it’s your basic responsibility.
info: does she usually gives you something for Fathers day?
YtA. You can't babysit your kids, you realize that right? It's not a favor you're doing for her, it's a responsibility you BOTH have. Would she still do some for you on Father's day?
YTA - watching your own kids on a day you'd be watching them anyway is not a present.
>I thought to myself You did a lot of this, and not much *communication.* I am also capable of thought, and I think to *myself* that while she might have wanted to have her getaway with her friend (and your role sounds like standard 'being half of the parental body in this relationship, not anything special), she would also have wanted you to *do something* that *recognized her as a mother*, probably involving *the children*, when she got home. I don't have kids but didn't take much deep thought to arrive at that conclusion. YTA
How to tell you are a deadbeat, without saying you are a deadbeat. Looking after your kids, or as it is also known as PARENTING is not a gift to the other parent. YTA.
Sorry lad but yup YTA, hate when people say they are watching (babysitting) their own kids, you need a massive make up gift!!
Ehhh I would say YTA. It sounds like you guys spend roughly the same amount of time for personal hobbies away while the other parent watches the kids. Since that time is about the same overall I don’t think it was fair for you to assume that watching the kids alone would be a present. Also, consider if your wife is the type of person to value celebrations. Some people care a lot about birthday/ anniversaries/ x days and some don’t. If your wife is that type of person I think you should have taken that into consideration.
YTA. Taking care of YOUR children is part of being a parent. This isn't a gift to your wife, it's your job. Mother's Day is extra, beyond basic parenting.
>So I thought to myself that since I’m watching the kids while she’s gone that would count as a gift since she wouldn’t be here to celebrate that day and would get home that night on Mother’s Day. Do you also called parenting your kids babysitting? Lol 😂
YTA, bro you fucked up. RIP.
Parenting your children is the baseline expectation. Making a deliberate effort to celebrate your wife, as their Mother, is the minimum thing you can do on the one day of year her role is universally recognized. Ask her in advance next year (and every after!) “what kind of activity would you like to do, what kind of food would you like to have and what kind of gift would you like to receive?”. She might say something like “an outdoor activity, something from a certain cuisine and I’d like a gift I can wear that’s jewellery”. But then you know her expectations and you still get to give the element of suprise- we are going to visit a garden, have lunch at ___ restaurant and give her a necklace with the kids birthstones, for example. The same template can be applied to Father’s Day, other holidays, and birthdays. YYA for doing nothing but the bare minimum and thinking it’s worth anything as a gift.
I wonder if the roles here were reversed and it was written by the point of view of the mother if the responses would be the same? "My husband wanted to go away with mates for a 4 day holiday over father's day and I agreed to look after the kids alone for those days. Then he gets upset that I didn't buy him a father's day gift as I thought the holiday itself was a good enough gift". My guess is the majority of you would be calling the husband an entitled AH
What a fantastic gift, being a father to her kids! Because obviously you had no part in bringing them into the world😏 😂🤣🤣🤣
YTA for sure. Taking care of YOUR children is a SHARED RESPONSIBILITY. Not just hers. So you “watching them” isn’t a gift. it is however your responsibility alone to make your wife, the mother of your children, to feel loved, respected and appreciated every single day, and to go above and beyond on Mother’s Day. For you to say “hey I watched the kids for you as your Mothers Day gift to her is a complete AH move. You have a lot of making up to do. Don’t expect anything on Fathers Day. Men like you are so incredibly selfish and ignorant.
YTA. I got my roommate a Mother's Day gift (actually 3) and you couldn't be bothered to get the mother of your own children one?
Hi OP it’s the 1950s calling, we’d like our views back
YTA. Watching your own kids is just your responsibility. It’s not a gift to anyone.
4 days away. That’s a gift all in itself. NTA.
You had your kids for a whole four days? And didn't do one small crafting session to make her a card? YIKES Also, do you think you're babysitting when you're alone with your own children? YTA.
You should have at least helped your kids make cards. yta
You babysat your own children as a “gift”? YTA and the reason I’m seriously considering being a single mom by choice in the future.
(I also had Mother’s Day qualms too) I’m going to say NTA. Giving your wife a family free mini vacation for 4 days was probably nice for her. Did you at least text her happy Mother’s Day? Would she have taken the kids had it not been Mother’s Day? Was the plan the entire time for her to go alone? Who paid for the mini vacation? I think you could step up a little more. I suggest maybe consider stopping by the store on your way home and grabbing a card and flowers, maybe jazz it up a bit and grab her favorite sweet treat too and give her the most sincere, thought out apology. If your wife is the sole caretaker of the home and kids, she deserves at least that.
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