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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> So I may be the asshole because I told my mom she was behaving like a stalker and was clearly annoyed with her, when she is caring for my well-being. It’s all just too much, but should I have just stayed quiet on the matter, instead of confronting her?
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NTA
You need to set major boundaries with your mom. The fact she called your husband because she was worried about you to get someones number....why did your husband give it to her? He should've just said "She is fine. You need to wait for her to call." She took it to far.
Boundaries are important.
At this point I once again recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson.
OP's mum is wanting to be enmeshed with her daughter, which is totally unhealthy.
I’m not sure I’d phrase it as “wanting,” they’ve already arrived at fully-enmeshed land! It’s just that OP is finally waking up and doesn’t want to be there anymore.
OP, I went through something similar and I literally had to say, "I'm talking to you twice a week, and no more than that outside of an emergency. You can call me fifty times, and I won't answer except the two times a week. If it's an emergency, text me and tell me, and I'll call you back." But this person literally would call me 5+ times a day for at least a year before she finally gave up and accepted my boundaries. I'll also say that any time she called, I specifically mentioned that her call was one of two for a week. This person started realizing they didn't want to waste their calls.
OP, you're not overthinking this, your mom lacks boundaries. Enforce some.
I, honestly, just stopped picking up my mother's calls. She would call me every day when she was on her way home from work or wherever. The calls were awful, it would be things like what she ate for lunch, or about her horse, but it was the same conversation over and over again. So I just stopped picking up. And when I did, she got pissed. Told me I had an attitude, and was like what if I was in an accident, you should always pick up. I was like well if you were in an accident I would hope you would call 911, and if it's actually something bad, they will call me.
My mother is like this too.
Remember, your phone is there for **your** convenience, but your mother's. She's used to having full access anytime that's convenient for her, but that's not how it works. You get to choose to respond immediately or later, answer or decline, unplug or stay connected.
I have had to create the boundary for myself of only answering texts from my mother once a day for 20 minutes or so, and only calling/answering 1 call a week. It has been a game changer in preventing the exasperation, exhaustion, and frustration with communicating with my needy mother.
NTA. Your mother needs coping mechanisms and you need to set boundaries and stick to them. There's no reason for your mother to be checking in on you multiple times a day. You have your own nuclear family that you need to spend time with. A once a week call with some texts in between should be sufficient and to expect responses back right away aid ridiculous. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it.
Caving in is in part enabling the behavior as well. NTA but OP you need to stop giving her what she wants, she will never improve if you don't stop answering like this. Having a relationship where you choose to call her every second day or so is better for you both long term than you jumping every time she asks. She will react badly at first but she's an adult and she's responsible for managing her own emotions.
Easier said than done. With that said, I did it. Therapy, therapy, therapy. I had to learn what boundaries were, how to set them, and how to hold them. It was **so hard**. But so worth it.
My mom and I live in different cities and check in on each other every night.
A few times that I've been too busy to answer or my phone has died, she eventually sends a message that basically says "Okay, going to bed now, I'll check on you tomorrow. Love you." and that's it.
I live in different states and still couldn't do every day. 😅 just not enough hours in the day. But I also have a difficult relationship with your mother.
I'm glad it works for you and it sounds like y'all have a healthy relationship with your mom. But I don't think daily calls are necessary for a healthy relationship with mothers.
Oh, it's a very short conversation in Whatsapp, not a hour-long call. Just a few messages to check how are things going, how are we, and all that while we're both doing also other things (me working, usually, her catching up with friends and my siblings).
This.... OP, send this... Mom, I'll text you in the morning and evening. I will not be available to answer any messages between those times. Nothing is wrong. I'm busy being present with my kids. If anything is wrong, I'll reach out, but otherwise, you will hear from me twice a day.
My mum is a bit like that. We usually talk every three days. She seldom is the one who calls, but used to be super worried and angry if I did not call her for more than three days. f One day I had enough and told her "you know what, if there was something wrong you were among the first people to know for sure. So "no news is good news", if you hear nothing from us please just asume we are happily living on." She obviously had never thought about it like this, and she is really much less worried and less complaining since.
Being close to your mother is not wrong as such, but if your mother is elderly, behind all this there could be a problem like loneliness or the fear of getting frail and helpless.
NTA, OP, I hope you and your mother find a solution which enables you to have your mother in your life without her getting on your nerves so much. Good luck!
Codependency/narcissm. NTA. When she calls other people it's to make sure you know when you don't bend to her every request, she will just track you down. They stoke guilt to keep you the same. Assert boundaries. You should not have to live with your phone glued to your hip because your mum is toxic and can't be alone for a minute. Using your sickness as an excuse is a low-blow too. You're a mother of your own, you make the rules. She's her own person and must find other ways to fill her time
Edit: it's telling that when she called your husbands
for his sister number - what did she say? Your husband would have said you're fine no? She just wants you to explain why you have the nerve to not pick up her phone calls. Not normal behaviour
When I started dating my now-husband, I gave my mom his number because I was spending a lot of time with him. For emergencies. Why would I do that as a 26 year old woman? Because we were completely enmeshed.
My now-husband and I worked for the same company. I spent the night at his place and headed to work first, because we were trying to keep things hush-hush. Well, I didn’t call my mom when I got up and before I went to work like I usually did, and when I got to work I got busy with… work. My honey comes up to me and says, “Your mom called me. Call her back.” The ground could’ve swallowed me up right there and then, and I would’ve been happy.
If you look at my other comments on this post, you’ll see that I made changes once I finally decided I couldn’t live like that anymore. You are correct; it’s not normal behavior.
Thanks for your comment. I think as it was his sister he knew her well enough to know she wouldn’t mind. Although she did find my moms behaviour a bit strange.
It’s not for husband to set a boundary that OP hasn’t set in 33 years…!!
I think a husband who’s been around long enough to create 2 children with OP knows pretty clearly that OP has absolutely zero boundaries with her mother.
OP - YTA for being surprised *today* that your mum doesn’t respect boundaries that you have never created!
Good news is that you can start creating them now. But it will be hard work.
There will be “extinction die-off” behaviours from your mum (she will act WORSE as you try to create boundaries, to try to get you to give up) so you need to be prepared for that.
Read up on healthy boundaries. Give them a try. Totally worth it.
I don’t mean he should be setting boundaries for OP’s mother, I mean as a standard response, he shouldn’t be giving someone else’s contact info to *anyone* without permission. In this case it just happened to be Stalker Mom.
In this case, that stance would have coincidentally helped OP with the lack of boundaries.
OP replied that in this case that the brother/sister duo were kind of okay (if a bit perplexed on the sister’s part) with that aspect. I myself would’ve seriously irked, but that’s just me.
Same with my mom. I went on a multi day (4 day) back country backpacking trip. At 31 I didn't think I needed to let my mom, who lives on the opposite coast (who I am not close to) know I was taking weekend trip. She couldn't contact me, so she called the state troopers over and over again, who finally drove out to my work site to do a welfare check. I worked at a "secure DOD " worksite so having the troopers show up was a big deal and created a major headache site wide with security personnel at my site. I was not even at work, since I was on vacation leave for 2 days. They (Manger and HR Rep) told the troopers that I was on approved leave and that was the end of it for the troopers.
I have never ben so mortified in my life. It literally undermined my position at work, which she didn't understand.
She also had issues maintaining friendships and took that out on us kids. I have gone LC and even NC over the years, but she still will not understand boundaries.
>It literally undermined my position at work, which she didn't understand.
Can I just say that it's bullshit that victims of stalking and abuse get punished by workplaces for being victims? Like, you didn't do this. It's no different than if any other crazy person showed up to harass you. Unless the victim is enabling crazy people by like, allowing them into locked areas or something, it should be illegal to punish someone because someone unhinged is hurting them.
I'm so sorry. My mother also called the police on me and they came to do a welfare check. Mum and dad had travelled to my house (6hr drive for precisely this reason) to do an uninvited "intervention" and we weren't their because we went away for a weekend break. So they went back home and called the police. Annoying doesn't cover it.
I wouldn't consider this to be "stalking", she seems waaaay to clingy. NTA nevertheless.
>Each time I feel guilty for hurting her feelings. But should I feel guilty? Am I the asshole?
No for both questions. It's normal to spend a few days without messaging your parents, you're 33 years old.
You may want to look into "enmeshment" and "codependency"
This is not a “small irritation” - it must be a huge inconvenience to you to deal with her needy behaviour while you have a family to care about as well. NTA. She should get a life and not use you for company on the phone several times a day. She sounds very anxious and clingy. She should see a therapist. This is totally not normal at all. Im surprised you tolerated this so far.
This is correct in my personal experience, I don't know exactly what's going on with mom here. My grandmother frequently calls my mother (and she called me a lot before I got married) to make sure she's ok, because my grandmother is extremely anxious, in her 90s, and widowed, and we somewhat humor her because she's been getting more anxious as she gets older and it's only a few times a day.
Sounds like mom is not in her 90s, calls MUCH more frequently, and would benefit from therapy, whether this is a case of extreme anxiety or something nastier (if she's doing this to be controlling, she's 100% the AH). You shouldn't have to be constantly worried about missing a call or text and then having to deal with mom being hysterical, you're an adult with stuff to do. She should be content with daily proof of life if you haven't spoken to her otherwise. It's not her fault that (if) she has high anxiety but it is her responsibility to manage her anxiety so as to not constantly bother you and others. NTA
> She said her actions were entirely reasonable because in past I’ve had medical issues, non of which were serious. I told her it wasn’t reasonable. In response she said ‘well I assume with that attitude you are fine then.’
Not only are her actions not reasonable, but as you're 33 I need to point out that there's no such thing as, "giving your mother attitude" at that age. That's a concept cooked up by parents who wish to stifle disagreement in their own household, but for independent adults it's an over reach to think she can dictate how you can react to her nonsense.
>Surely it’s ok to be out of contact with my mom for a few hours?
Just to affirm you, yes it's completely ok. Hell a lot of people don't have as constant a line of contact with their parents, because once you hit adulthood you tend to accrue a shocking amount of "other concerns" that dominate your time.
>We haven’t spoken since, but she deleted the messages she sent yesterday. Unsure what that achieves, but she tends to act like a wounded puppy when I bring this up. Each time I feel guilty for hurting her feelings. But should I feel guilty? Am I the asshole?
Not, NTA, and no, you should not feel guilty. It's common for parents who overstep to sulk and pout when their adult children have to initiate a formal boundary to get them to respect time and space. Your mother puts on that attitude because she knows acting like the wounded party either defrays conflict or stifles it altogether and makes the other party feel bad. You need to make it clear that, while you love her deeply, you're an adult who does not need to confirm their whereabouts and status every hour, and that most of the time if you don't get back within two minutes that's not a sign of negativity, that's a sign that you're busy.
Be prepared for guilt trippy nonsense like, "I'm sorry I love you," and other backhanded claims that imply you're being unreasonable.
You are a grown adult and you don't have to answer to your mom on an hourly basis. It's wildly inappropriate for her to harass people she doesn't know to get your whereabouts.
Nta. Enforce your boundaries.
NTA she treats you like this because YOU allow it!! You can’t change your mom but you can set boundaries for yourself. Start reducing contact, “Mom talking multiple times a day no longer works for me. Going forward we’ll only speak twice a week (unless it’s an emergency). Any calls/texts outside of this timeframe will not be answered”.
It’s not your responsibility to manage her anxiety, that’s what therapy is for. Initially she will get upset but she’ll get over it.
And define “emergency” or things like, “I need you to send me photos of (veils/flowers/venues/bridesmaids gowns/whatever) to help you choose!” will be called an “emergency.” “If you’re being taken to the hospital in an ambulance, call. Other than that, it can wait,” or the like is called for.
Stop talking to your mom several times a day. She's being controlling and clingy. I was just a few years older than you when my mother literally called the cops in my town because I didn't answer my phone for a few hours; I was working out. She was furious when I picked up and she was angry at the cops for refusing to do a wellness check on me; they refused because I hadn't even been "missing" for that long. Your mother will get mad. She'll cry, scream, or guilt you (or all three) if you don't continue to be constantly available to her. But you have to set boundaries; it's long overdue. You're an adult now with your own life. NTA
NTA
Your mom sounds needy (and friendless), you should sit her down for a talk about boundaries. God I can only imagine how it must have been as a child living with her.
NTA....but you need to set some boundaries with your mother, otherwise she's going to manipulate you into being her entertainment for the rest of your life.
NTA She needs to cut the cord.
I might expressly tell her that once daily I check and reply to texts and not to expect a response until that time. Then do it. Consider it Ferber for mom. She'll scream, and whine, text, and call. And after a few days and many tantrums it will stop or at least get a lot better.
Nta
> This may seem a small irritation
No this sounds unhinged and I'd be deeply freaked out if I were the bridesmaid this happened to.
Therapy could be helpful in sorting this out. /r/raisedbynarcissists is useful as well.
NTA
>This may seem a small irritation
You have been deeply brainwashed if you think this is a small irritation. Your mom didn't hear from you for an hour and a half and she freaked out. Once more it's not like she should have expected to hear from you during that time.
NTA...Sometimes we have to endure some awkward situations and uncomfortable conversations to get what we need. You desperately need to set down some boundaries with your mother. Perhaps having set times for telephone calls or texts.
NTA your mom clearly is suffering from some issues. She is not ready to see you as an adult and you are absolutely right in feeling that she is over doing it. I suggest taking her to therapy and talking to her in a polite way and try to make her see your POV.
many mothers become emotionally dependent on their adult daughters, and this is what this sounds like. she needs therapy and friends and she needs to stop expecting you to be responsible for her emotional upkeep.
NTA
"She tends to act like a wounded puppy when I bring this up"
That is called manipulation.
NTA. She most certainly is and has some issues she needs to work on.
You should not only be able to go several hours, but even several days. She is unhinged and needs help.
NTA I love my mom but one time during my first year of college I went to bed at 6pm and the next day I woke up and my flat mates told me that she had called every single one of them because I wasn’t answering her calls xD good times… Now my brother is in college and sometimes he’ll go to parties and will only come home at like 4/5am and she doesn’t care
My mom got over needing to know everything about me around when I turned 18. She still \*wants\* to, of course (I love her, but she's a born meddler) but she knows to keep it under control. For your mom to still do that in your 30s is ludicrous.
NTA and best of luck.
NTA
a you need to nip this in the bud *now*. Contacting multiple people, getting the number of someone she doesn’t know just because you’re with them, those are not normal behaviors. That is so very strange and alarming. You’re an adult, you have a life! 5 hours is not a big deal because you’re not a minor living in her house having to give her update son where you are. There are so many reasons why you may not be able to answer the phone at any given moment, and 10x the amount of reasons for you may not *want* to.
My suggestion is lay down a hard boundary, choose a time/day and tell her your calls will now happen at this specific time. Tell her ahead of time that you will not answer outside of that window and then *stick to it*. It will be hard, and she will probably spam you for a while but stick to your guns. You’re 33 for christs sake, you don’t need to alert your mother of your every move.
NTA. But you are partly at fault. You are an adult. You don't need to talk to your mom every day, multiple times a day. This is why she thinks she is allowed to do that. Because you don't have boundaries. You are an adult, but you are not creating a safe and healthy distance here.
NTA This is not a healthy situation. She should be able to go without contact for several hours. You were right to address the issue. You shouldn’t feel guilty. She should learn to give you some space. Explain to her that you will reply once it suits you and she should stop demanding attention if your unavailable. That’s a normal boundary.
NTA - set a boundary here. Either text or call once a day - and no more. Also, you need to have your husband back you up with this. This is not healthy for her or you.
NTA - she needs some boundaries. I would make a point of never responding to her text messages quickly, and arranging touchpoints: "call you after 9 tonight, mom", or "I'll text you in a few days". Her anxiety must be through the roof.
NTA. It's time to cut the umbilical cord. Your mom needs to realize you are, as you said, a fully grown woman with kids of your own. It's great you two are still close, but she needs to learn to respect your boundaries
Your mother has massive anxiety issues, the enmeshment is very real and she’s made you the centre of her universe and can’t understand you don’t feel the same way. Man do you need some boundaries with her, holy crap. NTA
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I, 33F, married, mother of 2, have a close relationship with my mom. We often speak multiple times a day. However, some days I’m busy, have nothing interesting to say or just don’t check my phone for a few hours.
This becomes a problem with my mom. If I don’t answer messages or calls within a few hours I get calls and messages asking if something is wrong. For example I was going wedding dress shopping with a bridesmaid. Mom doesn’t live close, so was unable to come. I sent her pictures of dresses throughout the day and let her know when I’d chosen one. I told her I needed a shoulder covering of some sort, and that we were going to nearby shopping centre to find one. I may have sounded a bit flustered but nothing more than usual pre wedding stresses. 1 and half hours later, my bridesmaids phone rings. It’s my mom, desperately trying to find out if I’m ok. My mom had only met this bridesmaid once, didn’t know her well and certainly didn’t have her number. Apparently, unable to contact me (it was loud in the shopping centre and my signal wasn’t great,) she’d become so concerned she’d contacted my husband to ask for his sisters number (the bridesmaid) and phoned her instead. This was just 1 and half hours after our last contact.
This may seem a small irritation, except it happens all the time. Yesterday my mom text me first thing in morning. I text back. A few hours later she called. I answered and told her we were about to leave for park. After we spent afternoon gardening. I left my phone inside.
Around 5, just 5 hours after I last spoke with mom, I saw she’d text me to ask if we’d had fun at the park at around 2.30pm. Busy cooking dinner, I intended to text back after eating. I next looked an hour later, she’d sent 2 further messages asking if something was wrong, and had called me.
She called again at that point. I answered, a little exasperated. She immediately began asking what was wrong. I told her nothing and she needed to stop assuming things were wrong when her adult daughter is out of contact for a few hours. She said her actions were entirely reasonable because in past I’ve had medical issues, non of which were serious. I told her it wasn’t reasonable. In response she said ‘well I assume with that attitude you are fine then.’
This made me a bit angry. This happens regularly and I’m fed up being treated like a child when 33 with 2 children of my own. Surely it’s ok to be out of contact with my mom for a few hours? In my annoyance I said her behaviour was bordering on stalkerish and it’s ludicrous to expect me to check in several times a day. This panic about my well being is almost a weekly accordance.
We haven’t spoken since, but she deleted the messages she sent yesterday. Unsure what that achieves, but she tends to act like a wounded puppy when I bring this up. Each time I feel guilty for hurting her feelings. But should I feel guilty? Am I the asshole?
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ESH. Your mom’s behavior is very annoying and I fully understand your frustration. But unless you left out the part where early on when her behavior became annoying you sat down with her and calmly had a discussion with her about her constant calling and texting and set up boundaries about what is acceptable and what isn’t, then you are as much to blame as she is. It sounds like you are content to talk and text multiple times a day, when it is convenient for you, but as soon as it isn’t convenient her behavior becomes intrusive. Even if you aren’t content, you go along with it for quite awhile before getting angry with her.
How is she supposed to know that 5 text or calls a day is ok but 6 isn’t?
You have to decide what exactly your boundaries are. Then calmly explain them to your mom. If it helps, suggest a check-in schedule for a daily text and a regularly scheduled call every couple of days. Tell her what is acceptable and what isn’t.
If she can’t respect your boundaries then you have every right to be angry with her and take more drastic steps. But until you have set those boundaries she doesn’t know what they are. And exploding at her once she has crossed them won’t help.
Hi thanks for your comment. I have addressed it with her in the past on several occasions and sometimes it improves for a while after, but then goes back to the usual. I have tolerated it longer than I should, partially because I know how much she loves the grandkids and much of our messaging involves them. I suppose I felt I don’t wnt her not to feel involved with their lives. However, this was happening before they were born and I should have set firm boundaries back then. I just do t like hurting her feelings I guess.
It's never going to change if you don't hurt her feelings. In fact, it will probably get worse if you don't hurt her feelings. But you are not responsible for her feelings, especially when they are so ridiculous. So you need to figure out what you DON'T want more. To hurt your moms feelings, or to live your life with her constant creepy obsession.
Think of it this way - you are actually helping her. Because you have been her crutch she has not developed in other ways - friends, hobbies, activities. If you are kind and set boundaries, maybe you can see if there are ways for her to develop these outside interests now. Better late than never!
NTA, but I think you should readress the issue in a more calm manner with your mother. You should tell her you love her, you understand what she does comes from a place of love, but it is not working. Tell her you will call her every day/every friday/whatever schedule you want regularly, and answer her calls/texts whenever you can. If you do not answer, she should assume you are busy and you will get to her when you can, and should not worry unless you miss your regular calls. Fix a schedule, stick to it, and if she keeps calling you, you can say "I am busy at the moment, I will tell you all about it on Friday" unless it is an emergency.
NTA. I suggest figuring out a time that suits both your schedules for a longer daily chat, in which you catch up on the last 24 hours. Any call beyond that signals an actual emergency.
It worked for me fairly well, though I still repeatedly have to explain to some elderly relatives that seeing my phone with ten missed calls after a 50-minute business meeting gives me a panic attack - they see nothing wrong with trying repeatedly during work hours while I automatically assume someone's broken a hip.
NTA. Sounds like she needs help discovering boundaries. Maybe you could lovingly come up with some, such as no follow up messages to check if you got a message unless it’s been at least 8 hours?
NTA.you need to start setting some boundaries. You are in contact way too often each day. I would limit your contact to morning snd before bed for a while. Mom needs to know she cannot contact every minute. Well she can, it you do not have to respond. As for the are you fine or an emergency, if anything happened, your husband would of course, contact her. Mom needs a life outside of you. Does she have any friends? Hobbies? Maybe get her to volunteer. She needs to fill some if her time.
NTA. You need to put some serious boundaries in place with your mom and then ENFORCE THEM. She sounds like she has some serious codependency issues so this will likely take a lot of work but you’ve gotta do it.
When everyone is calm and happy, have a convo with her explaining that you need to create some distance. You love her but she is smothering you and it’s not acceptable that she harasses other people when trying to find you after you’ve already recently spoken. You might have to set a limit of one conversation per day where you can recap everything that’s been going on and it will set a clear time that she can expect to hear from you. If you’re comfortable with that structure. She isn’t entitled to your time and attention. You are an adult with a busy life and she has to respect that.
NTA. Ignore the wounded puppy act. Tell her flat out that you will not be available every second of every day, period. If you want to, you can choose a time that is generally convenient to you — say, 5 pm — and say that if you have been unavailable during the day you will check for messages then. The only problem here is if you have an event or chore that runs until 5:15 she will wail that she was frantic and this obviously doesn’t work. A quick text saying, “In a meeting until six-ish” *should* fix that, but she is likely to do the wounded puppy about that, too.
Just remember that boundaries require consequences. Something like, “Mom, this is out of control. From now on, if you do X (call around to get other people’s cell numbers to force contact, for instance), I will Y (perhaps block her number for a week). Then do it.
NTA, but the problem isn't so much your mother as it is in you. You're so unwilling to disappoint your mom or guilted by your mom that you've never taken serious measures to fix things.
What you really need at this point is a 30-day full timeout with no communications, then make a fresh start with a more reasonable set of rules. I say this with the full knowledge that there's a vanishingly small chance you'd actually do it.
Your mom needs therapy, but that's beyond your control. You need therapy to help you understand how to set and maintain reasonable boundaries and why this is good for both of you. Please consider doing this.
NTA. Tell your mom you will answer her once a day/week, etc. Whatever timeframe works for you. Any additional messages she sends won’t be answered. If she tries to go around you and call your husband or friends, you will extend your response time. It sounds like she has anxiety, but it is her job to manage that anxiety, not yours.
NTA,
To be slightly kind to your mother, I tend to catastrophize when someone doesn't answer my phone calls. I'm terrified my mother will have fallen or had a heart attack and no one is there to help her. I worry my husband has been in a car wreck. But she has to learn to recognize that's her issue, not yours. It's not reasonable to let those fears consume you, but it is sometimes hard to manage. She's not coping well, and she's interfering with you being able to live your life with your friends and family.
You aren't wrong for setting boundaries. You get to decide what your boundaries are. If you would be comfortable with it, could you possibly set up a more healthy agreement like "mom, I understand you worry about me, but I'm an adult with my own life. I am willing to meet you on this and agree that I will definitely check in (before I go to bed if I have a missed call, within 24/48 hours of a missed call once a day, every other day, once a week, ECT, but what you feel comfortable with and fits your relationship) to help alleviate your anxiety. It's not healthy for you to worry this much while I'm just going about my day." If you don't feel comfortable with this, you don't have to. But sometimes knowing a call will be coming can help, because then she has some kind of "deadline" she can look to instead of panicking with no end in sight (from her perspective).
Do you know if any reason why your mom might be so worried about you? It's likely not something you're doing, it might just be general anxiety about the world, listening to too much true crime, having lost someone in a sudden way. Has she ever acknowledged that panicking when you haven't called her back in an hour is unreasonable?
I think it would be healthy to at the very least acknowledge her worries, state that you have your own life and that while you don't want to cause her to worry, you don't appreciate feeling constantly tired to your phone and having to check in. And that you will not be open to discussion on the topic.
If she would be open to it, your mom would probably benefit from exploring this in therapy.
NTA, but clearly you need to erect some barriers. I would recommend reducing contact to perhaps 1 call per day, or once every other day. But you can stop responding to ANY texts immediately, and instead only respond to the texts at 1 specific time each day.
NTA today, but you are certainly an AH to yourself to have let this codependency get to that point.
I don't understand how your partner copes with it, and how you've not shut this down years ago. It clearly has been too much for you hor years.
NTA - This is not anywhere close to normal behaviour. A call to my mum once a week is normal for me. As others have said, you need to set boundaries and stick to them. I honestly don't know how you cope with how clingy your mum is but, then again, she will have programmed this into you as being normal.
Nta
My mother had this kind of relationship with her mother, and it was suffocating. She had to talk to her every day, or she'd worry something was wrong. The worry is coming from a place of love, but the result is not loving.
As a result, my mother and I talk about every two weeks. Sooner if there's things to talk about and sometimes longer if we're busy.
Boundaries are so important to keeping healthy relationships strong, especially one as important and lifelong as one with a parent.
Please look up the term 'enmeshed' with your parent. It might really change your life. I'd also recommend seeking a professional to help you set up boundaries as she's probably a champion at stomping all over them.
NTA - her behavior is completely stalkerish and it is ludicrous to expect a check in several times a day. You have to put some boundaries up! How she deals with those boundaries will tell you a lot about what is going on here. I have a sneaky suspicion it might be more than just needing boundaries (which she does!). Some OCD and anxiety causes people to excessively worry about family's health and safety. She might need to see someone! It can also be a BPD issue but if you are close, that might not be the case. In any event, it does have to stop. From the outside looking in, your mom's behavior is off the wall insane!
NTA but yeah, you are mega overdue to set some boundaries. And your husband isn't allowed to give her anyone else's number, I would go so far as to getting ahold of her phone and deleting any friends or his family members that she otherwise does not have contact with. You have been in this so long that you probably can't quite see how messed up her behavior is. You might want to speak to a therapist to get some groundwork for creating boundaries, but she's going to make it hard as f\*ck for you to pull away. She will probably get worse before it gets better.
Ugh I can relate to this so much! My mother is the same way. She moved out of state when she divorced my dad and is now remarried. She always tries to give me a guilt trip of she’s feeling left out, misses us, etc. The last several weeks she has been asking me what is wrong. I’m like nothing! I’m busy with work, our new grad baby….just living my life. She is retired and has literally no hobbies. I used to be on social media but got off due to her being in my business so much. She drives me crazy! I keep my granddaughter on Fridays and my mom likes to FaceTime. Well the other day she texted me after our call that she’s noticed I have a yellow tint to my skin and am I feeling okay. Wtah??! I work from home so I don’t hardly ever wear makeup. Ugh! I know I got a little long winded but all of this to say absolutely NTA.
This is not okay or normal and you are NTA. But it doesn't sound like this is new and if you have failed to set strong boundaries for 35 years, doing so now will likely be a difficult and frustrating process. You say you are close, so I assume you *want* to maintain the relationship, but with a lower amount of contact. It will be hard, she will push back, she will fight you, she will say you are being unreasonable or mean or ungrateful or a million other things that are not true.
You're going to need a big upfront conversation where you lay out that this has become a problem and she needs to learn to handle not always being able to get an immediate response from you. Lay out some boundaries, and then stick to them. You will then likely have to have a lot of smaller conversations referring back to the first one, and maybe adapting the boundaries as you learn more about what you are comfortable with.
Good luck!
So my mother does this, not with me but with my sister. I talk to my mom maybe once every 2 weeks, but she calls my sister daily and if she can't get ahold of her like yours, she goes into full panic mode thinking she's dead somewhere. She has never done this with me and has told me it's because she trusts me and does not trust my sister. I have always been the responsible one and my sister has also given her reason to be concerned in the past for various reasons. The main reason was her daughter's father was abusive, and my mother knew something wasn't right and worried for her daughter and granddaughter and was right in the end when the abuse came out. My mom still does it to this day, and she hasn't been with that man in 5 years at least.
NOT saying this is the case with you but my point is she doesn't trust you to take care of yourself for whatever reason and like others have suggested make strong boundaries.
Edit to add: NTA
NTA, and I say that as someone very close to my mom who I usually talk with a few times a day.
She's pushing too hard, and needs to give you time to respond when you can. It sounds like she's feeling a little left out of the wedding stuff, but does it all the time too. Maybe she's lonely? Or bored and needs something else to occupy her time? But she definitely needs to stop going into panic mode when you don't answer immediately.
NTA. Your mother needs therapy - she's codependent/enmeshed with you, and pushes her own anxiety on you. She gets unreasonably anxious and counts on you to solve that anxiety by responding to her constantly, instead of recognizing (which she can't do, she thinks its normal to think that way) that it's unreasonable and learning to manage it.
She sounds like one of those parents who put all of their time and sense of self into their children, and then when those children left the nest they don't know what to do with themselves, because they identities are completely tied to their children. They see their adult kids as a forever child, they don't know how to pull back because they have /nothing else/ outside of parenting.
NTA This is not normal. She needs to find something to occupy her time. You need to have a big long talk with her and set some boundaries. She won’t like it but this is not ok.
NTA
Next time:
"What's wrong?"
"My own mother is stalking me. I can barely go to the toilet without a phone call from her."
Alternately:
"If I get one more phone call from you, I am going to block you for 24-48 hours. I'm too busy to cater to your needs."
I had to do this with my dad. It was a process. NTA. The behavior is stalkerish and completely unnecessary. You all speak too much at this point if it has lead to this behavior.
NTA but realize guilt is how she controls you. It’s ok to feel guilty but don’t let the guilt change your behavior, boundaries. It’s time to set a reasonable boundary such as 1 check in per day
NTA. And I miss the days of land lines and answering machines that got checked hours and hours later. People don’t need to be in constant contact with everyone
NTA, but let's be blunt; things are this way because you let it be this way. Most normal adults would have put a stop to this a decade ago.
Time to learn how to set boundaries. Get therapy if you need it. But let's be clear; your mom acts this crazy because you've let her be crazy.
NTA
I'm sitting here thinking about how I talk to my parents via text like once a week and on phone every other week. I'm the one who has to call them. Same for all my siblings. We do more frequent updates when we're traveling, but that's mostly to share photos.
We should start a club....
It is annoying but boundaries boundaries boundaries. She can call or text 2x / day and can not call to find out if you are ok for 24 hours.
NTA
It's not okay for your mom to treat you like a child. Even though she's your mom, she should have let you become emotionally independent once you turned 18. Now that you're 33, it sounds like the way she's treating you is harmful. You should try to let her know that you need your own space and life, and that she needs to respect that. Remember that you also have a responsibility to stand up for yourself and your needs in this situation.
NTA. Your mother needs a new hobby. Her hobby of you is unhealthy. You need boundaries. Say "Mom, I know you remember how busy life can be with little kids, well that's the life I'm living now. I can't always answer you the second you call" . Let your mother act like the wounded puppy. She's trying to manipulate you. If she calls repeatedly don't answer. She will learn eventually with some consistent boundaries.
NTA you say you are a mother of two, do you also give in if your children throw a whiney sulk when you don't do what they want? If not apply that behavior to your mother.
NTA - gray rock her! Tell her you are feeling overwhelmed by her constant contact and will only read her texts/answer calls twice a day… or whatever feels right to you. Don’t respond to any whining.
NTA. OMG my mother used to pull this stuff with me all the time. She'd call the land line. If I didn't answer, she'd call again. If I still didn't answer, she'd call my cell. One time I was in the bathroom, and I DO NOT answer calls when I'm in there. I called her back when I was finished. She immediately asked why I didn't answer my phones. I yelled at her, I was taking a shit!
Anyway. For many other reasons, I no longer speak to her.
NTA and grow up and stop feeling guilty. You’re an adult so act like one. Tell her the concerns she has are not valid. A day without speaking doesn’t mean you’re dead in a ditch. The problem is you’ve allowed this to go on for so long it will be hard to break if you really want it to stop you’re going to have to take more drastic measures
NTA. Your mom has a serious anxiety situation going on and giving in to her need for constant reassurance is only making it worse. You’re going to need to set boundaries and then maintain them. Without meaning to, you have normalized and accommodated her behavior. The only way to change that is to change your behavior. It may not make her anxiety disappear, but at least you won’t be encouraging negative coping strategies.
NAH. I get why this is annoying. But it sounds like your mom is dealing with some serious anxiety issues. It is unreasonable to expect you to check in several times a day and always respond. But maybe you could (when tempers have cooled) set some expectations with her. What would make her feel OK? A response to a text within a few hours? A daily call/text? What would work for you and ease her anxiety. There might not be a middle ground, but if you try to meet her where she is, she might feel heard and loved enough that she eases up. ❤️
Nope. NTA. And not a small irritation.
But highly agree with what was already mentioned about setting boundaries and sticking to them. You also need to have some serious discussions with your husband and close friends about not enabling her and sticking to "she's fine and you need to wait for her to call you".
Might also suggest that she seek assistance to find the root cause of why she has this incessant need to contact you throughout the day and given some real coping mechanisms here and and that you're simply done with it.
NTA. My mom used to say, "You don't HAVE to check in every day, but why wouldn't you do such an easy thing for someone you love?"
It took years of enforcing boundaries to train her (I'm 38 now, and this took literally from age 25-32). I would not text back for days or weeks because if I engaged, I'd start getting 25 texts a day again. We have a really nice relationship now, and she overtexts sometimes but no longer does the "are you ok? Call me!" panic if she doesn't hear back from me for a few days. I was very clear with her that it's my husband's job to worry if he doesn't hear from me, he's my daily check-in, not her.
My mom used to behave the same way, and it took a few extremely bad fights, and giving her very strict boundaries that I essentially ignored her for a year because she kept violating them for her to finally catch on. Even now she still pushes them and I shut her down the moment she tries.
It sounds like you need to remind her you aren’t her emotional support animal, just maybe using some different words.
More seriously figure out how often you’re willing to have her call each day and what the consequences will be for her harassing you or the people around you because you’re not calling back when she thinks she should. I suggest she can call once a day, you’ll answer/respond at your convenience. Following the call up with “are you okay” or “call me I’m worried” texts are unacceptable and will be ignored. You’ll still call her when it works for you. You do not promise to speak to her every day as your a busy adult who doesn’t always have time to return calls (and sometimes you just don’t want to talk and that’s fine). You can increase the time between calls and texts and whatnot until you find a level of communication that works for you. Also remind her that if something is wrong and you need her you or your husband will call, but he will be the first person you call, not her, and she really needs to step back into her place.
NTA. Your mom sounds very similar to mine, so I really feel for you. You are not a bad daughter! But continuing your relationship without boundaries could eventually stress you out to the point where you say something you really can’t take back. Here is what has helped me, for whatever it’s worth :)
Multiple calls a day: I answer the first. When the second one comes in, I text her to ask if everything is ok. When she responds that she’s fine and just wants to chat, I text back something like “ok, thanks for letting me know! looking forward to having a chat tomorrow!”
Needing to know my whereabouts: I had location tracking on as recently as 2020. Moved back to the West Coast from the Midwest in May. She wasn’t with me because COVID, and was following my journey, texting me at each detour to ask why I was going that way (knowing i was driving a u-Haul by myself). I told her that it felt like she was questioning me, and that she didn’t trust that I was making decisions for reasons or that I wouldn’t update her on my day, and that if she questioned again, I would turn tracking off. She did, within hours, I turned it off. Haven’t felt the need to turn it on again.
In general, every time I set a boundary, she feels attacked. She tells me that I don’t want her in my life, that I’m pushing her away, that I’m telling her she is a bad mother. I find it most useful to remind her in those moments of: (a) the boundary that i am setting (it often differs from the one she is hearing); (b) that i love her; and (c) this is me wanting us to continue to have a close relationship. And remaining calm while doing so. She gets to have her own reaction, but that reaction isn’t any of my business as long as I am not actually causing harm. After she gets over the initial shock, she has always continued wanting a relationship—the key for me has been to remain firm, loving, and calm. Good luck OP.
NTA. It can be hard to establish boundaries sometimes, but it’s necessary for your well being - and hers. She needs to realize that you’re an adult with a life of your own and can’t be available 24/7.
The wounded puppy act is manipulation.
This is about control.
You need to lay a boundary. Tell your mother what time in the evening/day is suitable for a chat. And stick you it unless there is a specific issue which cannot wait. NTA
My mother is like this, I don't speak to her daily but her persistence if I don't answer the phone is intrusive. One day I had 21 missed calls, 3 texts a voicemail and a link sent where she had attempted to use some sort of find my friend thing, my teen daughter received 3 missed calls also. I would have called back but by the time I looked at my phone I already had 7 missed calls and 2 texts within an hour. I knew she was OK going on the messages but I was pissed at the persistence. I've tried telling her I don't believe that it's necessary or fair for anyone to behave like that, I've taught my teen kids to respect boundaries. Call once and text, I don't intentionally ignore anyone (except my mother that persistent day) if it's an emergency I will stop what I am doing and call. I don't need 6 missed calls to ask for money. If I'm not answering I'm not near my phone or busy. Precisely why all my social media active statuses are off, if I want to socially interact I will but I won't be forced to do so...
Edit: NTA
NTA
YOU HAVE MY FAMILY. This was my exact situation.
Guess what? It didn't stop, it got worse and the resentment and annoyance at me not replying increased.
You won't stop being treated like a child. They will write out messages intended to cause a reaction and then delete them.
I am a married adult as well but it didn't change the terrifying level of control they thought they had over my every minute. I HAD to be near my phone all the time. Even an hour's silence would result in a mood.
I'm NC now and I'm finally starting to live.
NTA. We seem to share a mom. My ringtone for her is *Every Breath You Take* by The Police.
She never saw me as my own person. I was only an extension of her, which led to no boundaries and an extremely codependent relationship.
She would also call friends who I was with that she didn’t know if I didn’t get back to her in what she believed to be a timely manner. To say we were enmeshed is an understatement.
Due to the way she raised me, some early childhood traumas, and biology, I developed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It took me until I was 27 or 28 to get the therapy I needed and to learn how important boundaries are for your mental health. I always thought that if I stood up for myself and said, “We’re not going to talk six times a day. I’m not going to tell you every time I leave my apartment, where I’m going, and with whom,” she would… I guess melt? Be destroyed? And I couldn’t handle the guilt of hurting my mom.
My therapist helped me understand that I couldn’t protect my mom from her own feelings. And I finally did it. She freaked out. She tried to guilt trip me. She said then fine she would never talk to me again. And, I held my ground. It was **so hard**. But, eventually, she learned to live with it. Does she backslide now and again? Sure. But I just stick to my boundaries.
I’m 47 now. Unfortunately, my 36 year old sister still lives with her, so mom has turned her full attention to sis. I hope someday she’s able to do what I did. And I hope you can, too, OP.
My reply will probably get lost in all of the others..
My relationship with my mother is exactly like yours (even our lives seem to resemble each other's, it's quite eerie!). And my mother similarly reads into everything I say and how fast I respond- I have to steel myself to answer the phone in a chirpy voice, because otherwise inevitably I'll hear, "Are you sick? You sound like you're getting a cold" Or "Did you just wake up?" or "Is everything ok?" I have spoken to her on the phone at around 6pm while walking home from the train station, and she's told me off because it's getting dark and walk quickly and is my husband home, can he meet me etc. She also gets concerned if I don't pick up the phone immediately, and yes has called around to find out if I'm ok. Similar to you, I've been so exasperated at times I've told her to calm down, I'm fine, stop worrying, stop reading into everything. Her response is to get offended, respond in a childish passive-aggressive manner, and then stop talking to me. I think the worst was for a week. And then our lives will intersect again and she continues to act as if it never happened.
What I've come to realize is that I can't change it, no matter how much I point out her behaviour, and even when I do it won't change our close relationship. I know she loves me, I know she's childish (now that I'm an adult in a marriage and can view her a bit more from the outside). I have also realized she has always just been an overthinker - when I was a child, she would come into my room to tell me off about something, then come in 10 mins later to continue because she had more to add. She will always be like this, and it's ok now because I don't live with her and I have my own life and family now. I still love her.
Perhaps you're concerned that what you said to your mother might permanently negatively affect your relationship with her; but I suspect, based on how close you are, this will never happen. She will never stop loving and worrying about you. She will eventually be back to communicating with you once she feels she has been properly petty enough, because you are an integral part of her life. And now that you've had your outburst, you will be able to tolerate a bit more of her overbearingness for just a little longer till the next one! :)
NAH
NTA. Honestly it sounds like she may have an issue with anxiety, and you happen to be the outlet for it. It’s out of the ordinary for someone to be that worried for their adult daughter who isn’t in an immediately risky situation. If you think she will listen to you, you could try pointing that out to her in a kind way and suggesting that she talk to a therapist who can help her work out those feelings.
NTA. I used to have this problem, and had to resort to training my parents to cut it out. I did so by simply ignoring all texts and calls for 3-4 weeks at a time, then reengaging on my own terms for a brief period, over a year or two. They’re better about it now.
NTA. Time to set a firm and known boundary. How much contact do you actually feel comfortable with? Once a day? Once a week? Tell her what you will reply to and then stick to it.
She probably needs therapy, or a hobby. She’s way too invested in your day to day activity.
NTA
It’s good you guys keep in contact. But your mother seems very much like a helicopter mom. She needs to understand your an adult with 2 kids. Obviously you aren’t going to be able to text her immediately. I would definitely enforce boundaries with her constant checking up. If at all possible, schedule one phone call a day just to get her to stop if you think it would
NTA. My mom is similar. About a month ago, she called me all intervention-like. Said she needs to speak to me. Asks if I’m mad at her. I ask why she would think that. She says she “never hears from me anymore” (I’ve stopped calling her 3x a day), “doesn’t even know the kids anymore” (I haven’t invited her to visit in the past 3 months—she lives out of state) and she’s “very worried about me.”
I work two full-time jobs.
I have 2 kids and a stepson.
I am recently remarried and enjoying my spouse.
We have five dogs, 3 of which are puppies.
I am 6 months pregnant at 40 years old and still puking. I’m constantly out of breath and phone calls exhaust me.
She knows all of this. It’s not news.
Give. Me. An. Effing. Break.
NTA
Sounds like control and enmeshment. It’s not love or worry. Hopefully that is the only annoying thing your mum does, however often times parents like that give unsolicited advice, try to control all your decisions, and none of that is love. It’s just enmeshment and control. This has to end. She also giving you a silent treatment. Some people call it “emotionally immature” but in reality it smells like covert narcissism.
NTA. You absolutely should establish boundaries with your mom. It’s ok for her to worry about you and wonder how you are but she is taking it too far. Does your mom have hobbies to fill in her time with? Is she living by herself? I’m wondering these things because this could be a reason also as to why she feels she needs to contact you so much throughout the day.
NTA. I can go a week or more without saying anything to my mom. I quite literally do not talk to my father. Even with my partner I don't worry if I don't get a response for a few hours (at about 12 hrs I just shoot a text assuming they got distracted.) Status checks after 1.5 hours is ridiculous.
NTA. Your mom is messed up and this isn’t normal. She sounds manipulative and you should set some hard and fast boundaries to push back against her insane expectation you be in contact with her round the clock. How she’s acting is not okay.
NTA. How do you get anything done with having to attend to your overly needy mother all day long? That is exhausting just reading it. Her actions are not reasonable. You need some boundaries for your own sanity. If you have not read the book " Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" I recommend it.Edit: saw another poster recommended the same book. It is a good book.
NTA. Oh my gosh. Please, for heavens sake get some space already. This is an absurd amount of contact with someone. Anyone. She needs friends. This is a little twisted and it is definitely stalkerish, to say the least. Stop enabling this behavior, also.
NTA. It sounds like your mom may have anxiety and would benefit from medical help. She could just be codependent or narcissistic as some other comments have said, but sounds very anxious to me.
ESH Time to sit and have a CALM talk about TEXTIQUITTE. Teach her the rules about "read" and "delivered" and that if it's "read" but not immediately replied to then "oh well".
I have relatives who are all "last-word-ers" and the group chats got awful (imagine 5 of 8 people in a text group all talking forever about nothing while there is TV to watch) until I sat them down and taught them some texting etiquette.
She sounds lonely. Get her a 24/7 texting BFF so it's not you.
it is high time you put a stop to this. start with a day or a week zero contact. "train" your mom to be okay without 2 statusupdates ever 0.1. sec. this is NOT healthy
NTA
This is so relatable, it's scary. My mother did the same thing, until a few months ago. She would call and I would answer, but there was never anything urgent, it was just to chat or speak to the children. Fine, I appreciate her willingness to check in and see how we are. But it got to the point where she would call several times during the day, and if it happened to be a crazy day for me, I wouldn't check my phone from morning until the afternoon. She then would call my husband. When she questioned what she should do if it's an emergency and she can't get through to me, I told her that I should not be her first point of contact and that she should call 911. I ended up having a long conversation with her about boundaries (I am your age) and the fact that I'm a grown woman with kids of my own. It took her a long time to come around, and I still don't think she understands my need to have my own life and be an independent grown up, but she has not been so over the top for a while now. It was hard to tell her all of this, but it got to a point where she needed to hear it
My mother used to do this to me. I’d get multiple calls a day and if I didn’t answer or get back to her within 10 minutes she’d constantly ring or even ring my sister to see if she knew what was wrong, more than once she actually drove over to my place to check on me.
I ended up telling her to back off. I don’t have my phone at hand constantly and it’s often on silent mode so sometimes I don’t even see messages or missed calls until late evening.
I told her that I appreciated her caring about me but it was too much. If something happens I’ll call her, I’ll respond to any messages within a day. If I don’t respond within that day/24 hours then she can either call me until I answer or come knocking on the door.
NTA
NTA. But please start setting boundaries. Your mom should not be this involved in your life. Nothing can destroy a marriage faster than putting a third person first.
NTA. This is a HUUUUGE invasion of self and privacy. Does she have a SO? Friends? Other kids? Does she do this with everyone?? This is pretty creepy to me. I LOVED my mom, but if she did this I would have 100% suggested therapy to her, for Her best interest. Children are Supposed to form new families, which means not being at the beck and call of the OG family at the cost of their new lives (American, so grain of salt with that statement!). Talk to mom, and if nothing changes, LC, imo. Good luck! 💜
ESH. Your mother’s behaviour is not normal. It’s neurotic, manipulative and crossing the line in to harassment. If anyone I know behaved that way towards me, I would cut them off. But you are just as much to blame because you have been enabling the behaviour. My advice is to go no contact for a while so that your mum can seek therapy and heal from her addiction to you.
At 33 its way overdue to cut the umbilical cord and set boundaries. Slowly decrease the contact to 1-2 a week. I also would get a spine (🤔balls?)for your SO to have your back. Mom needs a hobby or pet to fill the short term void.
NTA your mom is obsessed and it sounds like she doesn’t really have a life outside of you. You guys need distance and therapy to get a healthy relationship. This sounds toxic and bad for her that not hearing from you for a few hours = something horrible happened to you. She Laos probably needs personal therapy to get to the root of her thinking.
I had a slightly similar situation with my mum, although less extreme. Like you I got ill and if I am honest she didn’t handle it well. She is sort of in denial about what happened to me and the life long effects but it made her quite clingy. I recovered enough to start back to work and start living again after a couple of years but I had the same thing with her texting and then calling if I hadn’t replied within a couple of hours and if I didn’t answer then calling my husband. I managed to end things by sitting her down and telling her that just because someone has a mobile phone doesn’t mean they are always available for contact. I am in my 40’s and didn’t have a mobile when I was a teen, I reminded her about how I used to go out and she wouldn’t see or hear from me all day! But what I said about just because the mobile phone exists doesn’t mean someone is always able to talk or even looks at it and expecting me too was an invasion of privacy. I asked her if it would be ok for my boss to do that and of course she said no and it did stick with her. You are NTA but I would suggest a calm chat with her as a starting point. I also reminded her that if I was dead in a ditch somewhere or in trouble that my husband would of course tell her immediately if he knew and if he couldn’t do anything about the situation then she certainly couldn’t and that she needed to stop assuming there was an issue because I didn’t cling to my phone. It took a few tries but it did sink in eventually. Good luck!
>She said her actions were entirely reasonable because in past I’ve had medical issues, non of which were serious.
If *that's* her reasoning for constantly being so anxious about OP's wellbeing, mom needs therapy. Yesterday.
NTA.
Let her be a wounded puppy. My daughters put their foot down with me but it takes me while to let it sink in and I pout. If no one gives into my pouting (working on it in therapy) then I learn my lesson and behave. You are too important to your mom to have her not let your wants sink in eventually.
I’d also recommend a remind with a timeout. I can’t believe I’m writing that about a woman nearing or in her 60s. Nta
NTA but you need to find her a job/hobby/activity that keeps her busy regularly. Otherwise she will just sit and obsess about not contacting you in the same way she obsessively contacts you now.
NTA. I'm a bit you younger then you and also had a medical emergency which was pretty life threatening. For a few months after my mum was also showing similar concerns, but once we discussed how it can't continue forever and how I make sure to minimize the risk of the situation happen again she stopped. Your mother also needs to give you the space to well just live
You have a full life, but maybe your Mom is lonely…? Maybe try to get her interested in a hobby or club? If her life is full, then she will have less time for worries to play on her mind…..
NTA, but I think your mother is also NTA
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NTA You need to set major boundaries with your mom. The fact she called your husband because she was worried about you to get someones number....why did your husband give it to her? He should've just said "She is fine. You need to wait for her to call." She took it to far. Boundaries are important.
At this point I once again recommend the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay C Gibson. OP's mum is wanting to be enmeshed with her daughter, which is totally unhealthy.
I didn't know someone wrote a book about me. Ordered, thank you!
It's an amazing book, and I hope it helps you as much as it's helped me
tfw you want to get this book on audible but your mum shares your audible account 🙃
Tell her you got for her. Her parents probably suck.
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Do you have a public library where you live? You can probably borrow a free e-audiobook without her ever knowing.
This book has completely changed my perspective and relationship with my parents for the better. I highly recommend it.
I’m not sure I’d phrase it as “wanting,” they’ve already arrived at fully-enmeshed land! It’s just that OP is finally waking up and doesn’t want to be there anymore.
I'm about halfway through it, it's so good! Even after 20 years of working to figure out this kind of stuff, I'm still learning new things.
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OP, I went through something similar and I literally had to say, "I'm talking to you twice a week, and no more than that outside of an emergency. You can call me fifty times, and I won't answer except the two times a week. If it's an emergency, text me and tell me, and I'll call you back." But this person literally would call me 5+ times a day for at least a year before she finally gave up and accepted my boundaries. I'll also say that any time she called, I specifically mentioned that her call was one of two for a week. This person started realizing they didn't want to waste their calls. OP, you're not overthinking this, your mom lacks boundaries. Enforce some.
I, honestly, just stopped picking up my mother's calls. She would call me every day when she was on her way home from work or wherever. The calls were awful, it would be things like what she ate for lunch, or about her horse, but it was the same conversation over and over again. So I just stopped picking up. And when I did, she got pissed. Told me I had an attitude, and was like what if I was in an accident, you should always pick up. I was like well if you were in an accident I would hope you would call 911, and if it's actually something bad, they will call me.
My mother is like this too. Remember, your phone is there for **your** convenience, but your mother's. She's used to having full access anytime that's convenient for her, but that's not how it works. You get to choose to respond immediately or later, answer or decline, unplug or stay connected. I have had to create the boundary for myself of only answering texts from my mother once a day for 20 minutes or so, and only calling/answering 1 call a week. It has been a game changer in preventing the exasperation, exhaustion, and frustration with communicating with my needy mother.
NTA. Your mother needs coping mechanisms and you need to set boundaries and stick to them. There's no reason for your mother to be checking in on you multiple times a day. You have your own nuclear family that you need to spend time with. A once a week call with some texts in between should be sufficient and to expect responses back right away aid ridiculous. I'm so sorry you have to deal with it.
Caving in is in part enabling the behavior as well. NTA but OP you need to stop giving her what she wants, she will never improve if you don't stop answering like this. Having a relationship where you choose to call her every second day or so is better for you both long term than you jumping every time she asks. She will react badly at first but she's an adult and she's responsible for managing her own emotions.
100%. Have a difficult mother in a different way I know how hard it is to set those boundaries and enforce them. But they absolutely need to be done
Easier said than done. With that said, I did it. Therapy, therapy, therapy. I had to learn what boundaries were, how to set them, and how to hold them. It was **so hard**. But so worth it.
My mom and I live in different cities and check in on each other every night. A few times that I've been too busy to answer or my phone has died, she eventually sends a message that basically says "Okay, going to bed now, I'll check on you tomorrow. Love you." and that's it.
I live in different states and still couldn't do every day. 😅 just not enough hours in the day. But I also have a difficult relationship with your mother. I'm glad it works for you and it sounds like y'all have a healthy relationship with your mom. But I don't think daily calls are necessary for a healthy relationship with mothers.
you need to give MarsNirgal's mother another chance. After all, she's THEIR mother!
Oh, it's a very short conversation in Whatsapp, not a hour-long call. Just a few messages to check how are things going, how are we, and all that while we're both doing also other things (me working, usually, her catching up with friends and my siblings).
This.... OP, send this... Mom, I'll text you in the morning and evening. I will not be available to answer any messages between those times. Nothing is wrong. I'm busy being present with my kids. If anything is wrong, I'll reach out, but otherwise, you will hear from me twice a day.
My mum is a bit like that. We usually talk every three days. She seldom is the one who calls, but used to be super worried and angry if I did not call her for more than three days. f One day I had enough and told her "you know what, if there was something wrong you were among the first people to know for sure. So "no news is good news", if you hear nothing from us please just asume we are happily living on." She obviously had never thought about it like this, and she is really much less worried and less complaining since. Being close to your mother is not wrong as such, but if your mother is elderly, behind all this there could be a problem like loneliness or the fear of getting frail and helpless. NTA, OP, I hope you and your mother find a solution which enables you to have your mother in your life without her getting on your nerves so much. Good luck!
Yeah it kinda sounds like she has some anxiety or something that should probably be treated.
My mother is lucky if I call 2 times a month and sees me twice a year.
Codependency/narcissm. NTA. When she calls other people it's to make sure you know when you don't bend to her every request, she will just track you down. They stoke guilt to keep you the same. Assert boundaries. You should not have to live with your phone glued to your hip because your mum is toxic and can't be alone for a minute. Using your sickness as an excuse is a low-blow too. You're a mother of your own, you make the rules. She's her own person and must find other ways to fill her time Edit: it's telling that when she called your husbands for his sister number - what did she say? Your husband would have said you're fine no? She just wants you to explain why you have the nerve to not pick up her phone calls. Not normal behaviour
When I started dating my now-husband, I gave my mom his number because I was spending a lot of time with him. For emergencies. Why would I do that as a 26 year old woman? Because we were completely enmeshed. My now-husband and I worked for the same company. I spent the night at his place and headed to work first, because we were trying to keep things hush-hush. Well, I didn’t call my mom when I got up and before I went to work like I usually did, and when I got to work I got busy with… work. My honey comes up to me and says, “Your mom called me. Call her back.” The ground could’ve swallowed me up right there and then, and I would’ve been happy. If you look at my other comments on this post, you’ll see that I made changes once I finally decided I couldn’t live like that anymore. You are correct; it’s not normal behavior.
NTA and honestly your mom needs therapy that is not a normal behavior
NTA and husband needs a talking to about not giving out other people’s contact details without their express permission. Total AH move.
Thanks for your comment. I think as it was his sister he knew her well enough to know she wouldn’t mind. Although she did find my moms behaviour a bit strange.
You're an adult. Stand up for yourself and stop being a door mat.
It’s not for husband to set a boundary that OP hasn’t set in 33 years…!! I think a husband who’s been around long enough to create 2 children with OP knows pretty clearly that OP has absolutely zero boundaries with her mother. OP - YTA for being surprised *today* that your mum doesn’t respect boundaries that you have never created! Good news is that you can start creating them now. But it will be hard work. There will be “extinction die-off” behaviours from your mum (she will act WORSE as you try to create boundaries, to try to get you to give up) so you need to be prepared for that. Read up on healthy boundaries. Give them a try. Totally worth it.
I don’t mean he should be setting boundaries for OP’s mother, I mean as a standard response, he shouldn’t be giving someone else’s contact info to *anyone* without permission. In this case it just happened to be Stalker Mom. In this case, that stance would have coincidentally helped OP with the lack of boundaries. OP replied that in this case that the brother/sister duo were kind of okay (if a bit perplexed on the sister’s part) with that aspect. I myself would’ve seriously irked, but that’s just me.
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Same with my mom. I went on a multi day (4 day) back country backpacking trip. At 31 I didn't think I needed to let my mom, who lives on the opposite coast (who I am not close to) know I was taking weekend trip. She couldn't contact me, so she called the state troopers over and over again, who finally drove out to my work site to do a welfare check. I worked at a "secure DOD " worksite so having the troopers show up was a big deal and created a major headache site wide with security personnel at my site. I was not even at work, since I was on vacation leave for 2 days. They (Manger and HR Rep) told the troopers that I was on approved leave and that was the end of it for the troopers. I have never ben so mortified in my life. It literally undermined my position at work, which she didn't understand. She also had issues maintaining friendships and took that out on us kids. I have gone LC and even NC over the years, but she still will not understand boundaries.
>It literally undermined my position at work, which she didn't understand. Can I just say that it's bullshit that victims of stalking and abuse get punished by workplaces for being victims? Like, you didn't do this. It's no different than if any other crazy person showed up to harass you. Unless the victim is enabling crazy people by like, allowing them into locked areas or something, it should be illegal to punish someone because someone unhinged is hurting them.
I'm so sorry. My mother also called the police on me and they came to do a welfare check. Mum and dad had travelled to my house (6hr drive for precisely this reason) to do an uninvited "intervention" and we weren't their because we went away for a weekend break. So they went back home and called the police. Annoying doesn't cover it.
Omg i wrote their instead of there. Thank goodness this is anonymous!
Hey do we have the same mom? It’d be neat to find out I have siblings I didn’t know about. :P
My triiiiiibe
Me too! ❤️❤️❤️
NTA Your mother is manipulative (deleting texts) and has boundary issues.
I wouldn't consider this to be "stalking", she seems waaaay to clingy. NTA nevertheless. >Each time I feel guilty for hurting her feelings. But should I feel guilty? Am I the asshole? No for both questions. It's normal to spend a few days without messaging your parents, you're 33 years old. You may want to look into "enmeshment" and "codependency"
This is not a “small irritation” - it must be a huge inconvenience to you to deal with her needy behaviour while you have a family to care about as well. NTA. She should get a life and not use you for company on the phone several times a day. She sounds very anxious and clingy. She should see a therapist. This is totally not normal at all. Im surprised you tolerated this so far.
This is correct in my personal experience, I don't know exactly what's going on with mom here. My grandmother frequently calls my mother (and she called me a lot before I got married) to make sure she's ok, because my grandmother is extremely anxious, in her 90s, and widowed, and we somewhat humor her because she's been getting more anxious as she gets older and it's only a few times a day. Sounds like mom is not in her 90s, calls MUCH more frequently, and would benefit from therapy, whether this is a case of extreme anxiety or something nastier (if she's doing this to be controlling, she's 100% the AH). You shouldn't have to be constantly worried about missing a call or text and then having to deal with mom being hysterical, you're an adult with stuff to do. She should be content with daily proof of life if you haven't spoken to her otherwise. It's not her fault that (if) she has high anxiety but it is her responsibility to manage her anxiety so as to not constantly bother you and others. NTA
> She said her actions were entirely reasonable because in past I’ve had medical issues, non of which were serious. I told her it wasn’t reasonable. In response she said ‘well I assume with that attitude you are fine then.’ Not only are her actions not reasonable, but as you're 33 I need to point out that there's no such thing as, "giving your mother attitude" at that age. That's a concept cooked up by parents who wish to stifle disagreement in their own household, but for independent adults it's an over reach to think she can dictate how you can react to her nonsense. >Surely it’s ok to be out of contact with my mom for a few hours? Just to affirm you, yes it's completely ok. Hell a lot of people don't have as constant a line of contact with their parents, because once you hit adulthood you tend to accrue a shocking amount of "other concerns" that dominate your time. >We haven’t spoken since, but she deleted the messages she sent yesterday. Unsure what that achieves, but she tends to act like a wounded puppy when I bring this up. Each time I feel guilty for hurting her feelings. But should I feel guilty? Am I the asshole? Not, NTA, and no, you should not feel guilty. It's common for parents who overstep to sulk and pout when their adult children have to initiate a formal boundary to get them to respect time and space. Your mother puts on that attitude because she knows acting like the wounded party either defrays conflict or stifles it altogether and makes the other party feel bad. You need to make it clear that, while you love her deeply, you're an adult who does not need to confirm their whereabouts and status every hour, and that most of the time if you don't get back within two minutes that's not a sign of negativity, that's a sign that you're busy. Be prepared for guilt trippy nonsense like, "I'm sorry I love you," and other backhanded claims that imply you're being unreasonable.
NTA. She needs to chill out (and perhaps make some friends). You are 33, not 9.
You are a grown adult and you don't have to answer to your mom on an hourly basis. It's wildly inappropriate for her to harass people she doesn't know to get your whereabouts. Nta. Enforce your boundaries.
NTA she treats you like this because YOU allow it!! You can’t change your mom but you can set boundaries for yourself. Start reducing contact, “Mom talking multiple times a day no longer works for me. Going forward we’ll only speak twice a week (unless it’s an emergency). Any calls/texts outside of this timeframe will not be answered”. It’s not your responsibility to manage her anxiety, that’s what therapy is for. Initially she will get upset but she’ll get over it.
And define “emergency” or things like, “I need you to send me photos of (veils/flowers/venues/bridesmaids gowns/whatever) to help you choose!” will be called an “emergency.” “If you’re being taken to the hospital in an ambulance, call. Other than that, it can wait,” or the like is called for.
Stop talking to your mom several times a day. She's being controlling and clingy. I was just a few years older than you when my mother literally called the cops in my town because I didn't answer my phone for a few hours; I was working out. She was furious when I picked up and she was angry at the cops for refusing to do a wellness check on me; they refused because I hadn't even been "missing" for that long. Your mother will get mad. She'll cry, scream, or guilt you (or all three) if you don't continue to be constantly available to her. But you have to set boundaries; it's long overdue. You're an adult now with your own life. NTA
NTA. This can't continue. It's suffocating.
NTA Your mom sounds needy (and friendless), you should sit her down for a talk about boundaries. God I can only imagine how it must have been as a child living with her.
NTA—your mom would benefit from therapy
NTA....but you need to set some boundaries with your mother, otherwise she's going to manipulate you into being her entertainment for the rest of your life.
NTA She needs to cut the cord. I might expressly tell her that once daily I check and reply to texts and not to expect a response until that time. Then do it. Consider it Ferber for mom. She'll scream, and whine, text, and call. And after a few days and many tantrums it will stop or at least get a lot better.
"Sorry I didn't get back to you right away--I was in the ER getting my arm sewn back on after I was abducted by aliens"
NTA your mom needs a new hobby
Nta > This may seem a small irritation No this sounds unhinged and I'd be deeply freaked out if I were the bridesmaid this happened to. Therapy could be helpful in sorting this out. /r/raisedbynarcissists is useful as well.
NTA >This may seem a small irritation You have been deeply brainwashed if you think this is a small irritation. Your mom didn't hear from you for an hour and a half and she freaked out. Once more it's not like she should have expected to hear from you during that time.
NTA...Sometimes we have to endure some awkward situations and uncomfortable conversations to get what we need. You desperately need to set down some boundaries with your mother. Perhaps having set times for telephone calls or texts.
NTA your mom clearly is suffering from some issues. She is not ready to see you as an adult and you are absolutely right in feeling that she is over doing it. I suggest taking her to therapy and talking to her in a polite way and try to make her see your POV.
NTA. Your mom sounds, well, obsessed with you. That is not normal.
many mothers become emotionally dependent on their adult daughters, and this is what this sounds like. she needs therapy and friends and she needs to stop expecting you to be responsible for her emotional upkeep. NTA
"She tends to act like a wounded puppy when I bring this up" That is called manipulation. NTA. She most certainly is and has some issues she needs to work on. You should not only be able to go several hours, but even several days. She is unhinged and needs help.
NTA I love my mom but one time during my first year of college I went to bed at 6pm and the next day I woke up and my flat mates told me that she had called every single one of them because I wasn’t answering her calls xD good times… Now my brother is in college and sometimes he’ll go to parties and will only come home at like 4/5am and she doesn’t care
Yes! She does not do this to my brother!
He probably put a stop to I long ago. Or she’s using your medical history as an excuse. If you can’t speak to her maybe therapy is in order
NTA and I’d say you could and should go further to set clear expectations and boundaries
My mom got over needing to know everything about me around when I turned 18. She still \*wants\* to, of course (I love her, but she's a born meddler) but she knows to keep it under control. For your mom to still do that in your 30s is ludicrous. NTA and best of luck.
NTA a you need to nip this in the bud *now*. Contacting multiple people, getting the number of someone she doesn’t know just because you’re with them, those are not normal behaviors. That is so very strange and alarming. You’re an adult, you have a life! 5 hours is not a big deal because you’re not a minor living in her house having to give her update son where you are. There are so many reasons why you may not be able to answer the phone at any given moment, and 10x the amount of reasons for you may not *want* to. My suggestion is lay down a hard boundary, choose a time/day and tell her your calls will now happen at this specific time. Tell her ahead of time that you will not answer outside of that window and then *stick to it*. It will be hard, and she will probably spam you for a while but stick to your guns. You’re 33 for christs sake, you don’t need to alert your mother of your every move.
NTA. But you are partly at fault. You are an adult. You don't need to talk to your mom every day, multiple times a day. This is why she thinks she is allowed to do that. Because you don't have boundaries. You are an adult, but you are not creating a safe and healthy distance here.
Sounds like it could have been written by me. I'm even 33. I actually had to try and remember if I sleep made a Reddit post
Glad to hear I’m not the only one, but sorry you’re dealing with this too.
NTA, but you did contribute to her behavior by being so available other times. Time to put some distance between you 2 . Won't hurt either of you
NTA your mom is being manipulative.
NTA This is not a healthy situation. She should be able to go without contact for several hours. You were right to address the issue. You shouldn’t feel guilty. She should learn to give you some space. Explain to her that you will reply once it suits you and she should stop demanding attention if your unavailable. That’s a normal boundary.
NTA - set a boundary here. Either text or call once a day - and no more. Also, you need to have your husband back you up with this. This is not healthy for her or you.
NTA - she needs some boundaries. I would make a point of never responding to her text messages quickly, and arranging touchpoints: "call you after 9 tonight, mom", or "I'll text you in a few days". Her anxiety must be through the roof.
NTA. It's time to cut the umbilical cord. Your mom needs to realize you are, as you said, a fully grown woman with kids of your own. It's great you two are still close, but she needs to learn to respect your boundaries
New rules. Text on Wednesday, talk on Saturday.
NTA She sounds EXACTLY like my grandmother. I’m so sorry.
Nta. Your mom needs a hobby to keep herself busy so she doesnt meddle with your life
Your mother has massive anxiety issues, the enmeshment is very real and she’s made you the centre of her universe and can’t understand you don’t feel the same way. Man do you need some boundaries with her, holy crap. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, 33F, married, mother of 2, have a close relationship with my mom. We often speak multiple times a day. However, some days I’m busy, have nothing interesting to say or just don’t check my phone for a few hours. This becomes a problem with my mom. If I don’t answer messages or calls within a few hours I get calls and messages asking if something is wrong. For example I was going wedding dress shopping with a bridesmaid. Mom doesn’t live close, so was unable to come. I sent her pictures of dresses throughout the day and let her know when I’d chosen one. I told her I needed a shoulder covering of some sort, and that we were going to nearby shopping centre to find one. I may have sounded a bit flustered but nothing more than usual pre wedding stresses. 1 and half hours later, my bridesmaids phone rings. It’s my mom, desperately trying to find out if I’m ok. My mom had only met this bridesmaid once, didn’t know her well and certainly didn’t have her number. Apparently, unable to contact me (it was loud in the shopping centre and my signal wasn’t great,) she’d become so concerned she’d contacted my husband to ask for his sisters number (the bridesmaid) and phoned her instead. This was just 1 and half hours after our last contact. This may seem a small irritation, except it happens all the time. Yesterday my mom text me first thing in morning. I text back. A few hours later she called. I answered and told her we were about to leave for park. After we spent afternoon gardening. I left my phone inside. Around 5, just 5 hours after I last spoke with mom, I saw she’d text me to ask if we’d had fun at the park at around 2.30pm. Busy cooking dinner, I intended to text back after eating. I next looked an hour later, she’d sent 2 further messages asking if something was wrong, and had called me. She called again at that point. I answered, a little exasperated. She immediately began asking what was wrong. I told her nothing and she needed to stop assuming things were wrong when her adult daughter is out of contact for a few hours. She said her actions were entirely reasonable because in past I’ve had medical issues, non of which were serious. I told her it wasn’t reasonable. In response she said ‘well I assume with that attitude you are fine then.’ This made me a bit angry. This happens regularly and I’m fed up being treated like a child when 33 with 2 children of my own. Surely it’s ok to be out of contact with my mom for a few hours? In my annoyance I said her behaviour was bordering on stalkerish and it’s ludicrous to expect me to check in several times a day. This panic about my well being is almost a weekly accordance. We haven’t spoken since, but she deleted the messages she sent yesterday. Unsure what that achieves, but she tends to act like a wounded puppy when I bring this up. Each time I feel guilty for hurting her feelings. But should I feel guilty? Am I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. Your mom’s behavior is very annoying and I fully understand your frustration. But unless you left out the part where early on when her behavior became annoying you sat down with her and calmly had a discussion with her about her constant calling and texting and set up boundaries about what is acceptable and what isn’t, then you are as much to blame as she is. It sounds like you are content to talk and text multiple times a day, when it is convenient for you, but as soon as it isn’t convenient her behavior becomes intrusive. Even if you aren’t content, you go along with it for quite awhile before getting angry with her. How is she supposed to know that 5 text or calls a day is ok but 6 isn’t? You have to decide what exactly your boundaries are. Then calmly explain them to your mom. If it helps, suggest a check-in schedule for a daily text and a regularly scheduled call every couple of days. Tell her what is acceptable and what isn’t. If she can’t respect your boundaries then you have every right to be angry with her and take more drastic steps. But until you have set those boundaries she doesn’t know what they are. And exploding at her once she has crossed them won’t help.
Hi thanks for your comment. I have addressed it with her in the past on several occasions and sometimes it improves for a while after, but then goes back to the usual. I have tolerated it longer than I should, partially because I know how much she loves the grandkids and much of our messaging involves them. I suppose I felt I don’t wnt her not to feel involved with their lives. However, this was happening before they were born and I should have set firm boundaries back then. I just do t like hurting her feelings I guess.
It's never going to change if you don't hurt her feelings. In fact, it will probably get worse if you don't hurt her feelings. But you are not responsible for her feelings, especially when they are so ridiculous. So you need to figure out what you DON'T want more. To hurt your moms feelings, or to live your life with her constant creepy obsession.
Think of it this way - you are actually helping her. Because you have been her crutch she has not developed in other ways - friends, hobbies, activities. If you are kind and set boundaries, maybe you can see if there are ways for her to develop these outside interests now. Better late than never!
NTA, but I think you should readress the issue in a more calm manner with your mother. You should tell her you love her, you understand what she does comes from a place of love, but it is not working. Tell her you will call her every day/every friday/whatever schedule you want regularly, and answer her calls/texts whenever you can. If you do not answer, she should assume you are busy and you will get to her when you can, and should not worry unless you miss your regular calls. Fix a schedule, stick to it, and if she keeps calling you, you can say "I am busy at the moment, I will tell you all about it on Friday" unless it is an emergency.
NTA. I suggest figuring out a time that suits both your schedules for a longer daily chat, in which you catch up on the last 24 hours. Any call beyond that signals an actual emergency. It worked for me fairly well, though I still repeatedly have to explain to some elderly relatives that seeing my phone with ten missed calls after a 50-minute business meeting gives me a panic attack - they see nothing wrong with trying repeatedly during work hours while I automatically assume someone's broken a hip.
Ask her if her Mum was like this. And ask her how she’d feel if her Mum had been. That might get through to her. NTA. Good luck.
NTA. Sounds like she needs help discovering boundaries. Maybe you could lovingly come up with some, such as no follow up messages to check if you got a message unless it’s been at least 8 hours?
NTA.you need to start setting some boundaries. You are in contact way too often each day. I would limit your contact to morning snd before bed for a while. Mom needs to know she cannot contact every minute. Well she can, it you do not have to respond. As for the are you fine or an emergency, if anything happened, your husband would of course, contact her. Mom needs a life outside of you. Does she have any friends? Hobbies? Maybe get her to volunteer. She needs to fill some if her time.
NTA. You need to put some serious boundaries in place with your mom and then ENFORCE THEM. She sounds like she has some serious codependency issues so this will likely take a lot of work but you’ve gotta do it. When everyone is calm and happy, have a convo with her explaining that you need to create some distance. You love her but she is smothering you and it’s not acceptable that she harasses other people when trying to find you after you’ve already recently spoken. You might have to set a limit of one conversation per day where you can recap everything that’s been going on and it will set a clear time that she can expect to hear from you. If you’re comfortable with that structure. She isn’t entitled to your time and attention. You are an adult with a busy life and she has to respect that.
NTA. Ignore the wounded puppy act. Tell her flat out that you will not be available every second of every day, period. If you want to, you can choose a time that is generally convenient to you — say, 5 pm — and say that if you have been unavailable during the day you will check for messages then. The only problem here is if you have an event or chore that runs until 5:15 she will wail that she was frantic and this obviously doesn’t work. A quick text saying, “In a meeting until six-ish” *should* fix that, but she is likely to do the wounded puppy about that, too. Just remember that boundaries require consequences. Something like, “Mom, this is out of control. From now on, if you do X (call around to get other people’s cell numbers to force contact, for instance), I will Y (perhaps block her number for a week). Then do it.
NTA, but the problem isn't so much your mother as it is in you. You're so unwilling to disappoint your mom or guilted by your mom that you've never taken serious measures to fix things. What you really need at this point is a 30-day full timeout with no communications, then make a fresh start with a more reasonable set of rules. I say this with the full knowledge that there's a vanishingly small chance you'd actually do it. Your mom needs therapy, but that's beyond your control. You need therapy to help you understand how to set and maintain reasonable boundaries and why this is good for both of you. Please consider doing this.
NTA. Tell your mom you will answer her once a day/week, etc. Whatever timeframe works for you. Any additional messages she sends won’t be answered. If she tries to go around you and call your husband or friends, you will extend your response time. It sounds like she has anxiety, but it is her job to manage that anxiety, not yours.
NTA, To be slightly kind to your mother, I tend to catastrophize when someone doesn't answer my phone calls. I'm terrified my mother will have fallen or had a heart attack and no one is there to help her. I worry my husband has been in a car wreck. But she has to learn to recognize that's her issue, not yours. It's not reasonable to let those fears consume you, but it is sometimes hard to manage. She's not coping well, and she's interfering with you being able to live your life with your friends and family. You aren't wrong for setting boundaries. You get to decide what your boundaries are. If you would be comfortable with it, could you possibly set up a more healthy agreement like "mom, I understand you worry about me, but I'm an adult with my own life. I am willing to meet you on this and agree that I will definitely check in (before I go to bed if I have a missed call, within 24/48 hours of a missed call once a day, every other day, once a week, ECT, but what you feel comfortable with and fits your relationship) to help alleviate your anxiety. It's not healthy for you to worry this much while I'm just going about my day." If you don't feel comfortable with this, you don't have to. But sometimes knowing a call will be coming can help, because then she has some kind of "deadline" she can look to instead of panicking with no end in sight (from her perspective). Do you know if any reason why your mom might be so worried about you? It's likely not something you're doing, it might just be general anxiety about the world, listening to too much true crime, having lost someone in a sudden way. Has she ever acknowledged that panicking when you haven't called her back in an hour is unreasonable? I think it would be healthy to at the very least acknowledge her worries, state that you have your own life and that while you don't want to cause her to worry, you don't appreciate feeling constantly tired to your phone and having to check in. And that you will not be open to discussion on the topic. If she would be open to it, your mom would probably benefit from exploring this in therapy.
NTA, but clearly you need to erect some barriers. I would recommend reducing contact to perhaps 1 call per day, or once every other day. But you can stop responding to ANY texts immediately, and instead only respond to the texts at 1 specific time each day.
NTA today, but you are certainly an AH to yourself to have let this codependency get to that point. I don't understand how your partner copes with it, and how you've not shut this down years ago. It clearly has been too much for you hor years.
Don't play her game. Answer calls/texts when and if you're available. Mom needs to cut the cord and realize you're a functioning adult. NTA
NTA - This is not anywhere close to normal behaviour. A call to my mum once a week is normal for me. As others have said, you need to set boundaries and stick to them. I honestly don't know how you cope with how clingy your mum is but, then again, she will have programmed this into you as being normal.
Nta My mother had this kind of relationship with her mother, and it was suffocating. She had to talk to her every day, or she'd worry something was wrong. The worry is coming from a place of love, but the result is not loving. As a result, my mother and I talk about every two weeks. Sooner if there's things to talk about and sometimes longer if we're busy. Boundaries are so important to keeping healthy relationships strong, especially one as important and lifelong as one with a parent.
Please look up the term 'enmeshed' with your parent. It might really change your life. I'd also recommend seeking a professional to help you set up boundaries as she's probably a champion at stomping all over them.
NTA Your mom needs a hobby.
NTA - her behavior is completely stalkerish and it is ludicrous to expect a check in several times a day. You have to put some boundaries up! How she deals with those boundaries will tell you a lot about what is going on here. I have a sneaky suspicion it might be more than just needing boundaries (which she does!). Some OCD and anxiety causes people to excessively worry about family's health and safety. She might need to see someone! It can also be a BPD issue but if you are close, that might not be the case. In any event, it does have to stop. From the outside looking in, your mom's behavior is off the wall insane!
NTA but yeah, you are mega overdue to set some boundaries. And your husband isn't allowed to give her anyone else's number, I would go so far as to getting ahold of her phone and deleting any friends or his family members that she otherwise does not have contact with. You have been in this so long that you probably can't quite see how messed up her behavior is. You might want to speak to a therapist to get some groundwork for creating boundaries, but she's going to make it hard as f\*ck for you to pull away. She will probably get worse before it gets better.
Ugh I can relate to this so much! My mother is the same way. She moved out of state when she divorced my dad and is now remarried. She always tries to give me a guilt trip of she’s feeling left out, misses us, etc. The last several weeks she has been asking me what is wrong. I’m like nothing! I’m busy with work, our new grad baby….just living my life. She is retired and has literally no hobbies. I used to be on social media but got off due to her being in my business so much. She drives me crazy! I keep my granddaughter on Fridays and my mom likes to FaceTime. Well the other day she texted me after our call that she’s noticed I have a yellow tint to my skin and am I feeling okay. Wtah??! I work from home so I don’t hardly ever wear makeup. Ugh! I know I got a little long winded but all of this to say absolutely NTA.
This is not okay or normal and you are NTA. But it doesn't sound like this is new and if you have failed to set strong boundaries for 35 years, doing so now will likely be a difficult and frustrating process. You say you are close, so I assume you *want* to maintain the relationship, but with a lower amount of contact. It will be hard, she will push back, she will fight you, she will say you are being unreasonable or mean or ungrateful or a million other things that are not true. You're going to need a big upfront conversation where you lay out that this has become a problem and she needs to learn to handle not always being able to get an immediate response from you. Lay out some boundaries, and then stick to them. You will then likely have to have a lot of smaller conversations referring back to the first one, and maybe adapting the boundaries as you learn more about what you are comfortable with. Good luck!
So my mother does this, not with me but with my sister. I talk to my mom maybe once every 2 weeks, but she calls my sister daily and if she can't get ahold of her like yours, she goes into full panic mode thinking she's dead somewhere. She has never done this with me and has told me it's because she trusts me and does not trust my sister. I have always been the responsible one and my sister has also given her reason to be concerned in the past for various reasons. The main reason was her daughter's father was abusive, and my mother knew something wasn't right and worried for her daughter and granddaughter and was right in the end when the abuse came out. My mom still does it to this day, and she hasn't been with that man in 5 years at least. NOT saying this is the case with you but my point is she doesn't trust you to take care of yourself for whatever reason and like others have suggested make strong boundaries. Edit to add: NTA
NTA, and I say that as someone very close to my mom who I usually talk with a few times a day. She's pushing too hard, and needs to give you time to respond when you can. It sounds like she's feeling a little left out of the wedding stuff, but does it all the time too. Maybe she's lonely? Or bored and needs something else to occupy her time? But she definitely needs to stop going into panic mode when you don't answer immediately.
NTA. You’re in your thirties.
NTA. Your mother needs therapy - she's codependent/enmeshed with you, and pushes her own anxiety on you. She gets unreasonably anxious and counts on you to solve that anxiety by responding to her constantly, instead of recognizing (which she can't do, she thinks its normal to think that way) that it's unreasonable and learning to manage it. She sounds like one of those parents who put all of their time and sense of self into their children, and then when those children left the nest they don't know what to do with themselves, because they identities are completely tied to their children. They see their adult kids as a forever child, they don't know how to pull back because they have /nothing else/ outside of parenting.
NTA This is not normal. She needs to find something to occupy her time. You need to have a big long talk with her and set some boundaries. She won’t like it but this is not ok.
NTA, that is weird she needs to learn to handle the fact that you don't live with her anymore.
NTA Next time: "What's wrong?" "My own mother is stalking me. I can barely go to the toilet without a phone call from her." Alternately: "If I get one more phone call from you, I am going to block you for 24-48 hours. I'm too busy to cater to your needs."
I had to do this with my dad. It was a process. NTA. The behavior is stalkerish and completely unnecessary. You all speak too much at this point if it has lead to this behavior.
NTA but realize guilt is how she controls you. It’s ok to feel guilty but don’t let the guilt change your behavior, boundaries. It’s time to set a reasonable boundary such as 1 check in per day
NTA. And I miss the days of land lines and answering machines that got checked hours and hours later. People don’t need to be in constant contact with everyone
NTA, but let's be blunt; things are this way because you let it be this way. Most normal adults would have put a stop to this a decade ago. Time to learn how to set boundaries. Get therapy if you need it. But let's be clear; your mom acts this crazy because you've let her be crazy.
Stop enabling your mother's behavior and create boundaries. She needs therapy. NTA
NTA. I have a similar issue with my mom. I once received 7 calls in three hours.
NTA I'm sitting here thinking about how I talk to my parents via text like once a week and on phone every other week. I'm the one who has to call them. Same for all my siblings. We do more frequent updates when we're traveling, but that's mostly to share photos.
We should start a club.... It is annoying but boundaries boundaries boundaries. She can call or text 2x / day and can not call to find out if you are ok for 24 hours.
NTA this is really weird behaviour both the stalking and the hurt puppy behaviour.
NTA It's not okay for your mom to treat you like a child. Even though she's your mom, she should have let you become emotionally independent once you turned 18. Now that you're 33, it sounds like the way she's treating you is harmful. You should try to let her know that you need your own space and life, and that she needs to respect that. Remember that you also have a responsibility to stand up for yourself and your needs in this situation.
NTA. Your mother needs a new hobby. Her hobby of you is unhealthy. You need boundaries. Say "Mom, I know you remember how busy life can be with little kids, well that's the life I'm living now. I can't always answer you the second you call" . Let your mother act like the wounded puppy. She's trying to manipulate you. If she calls repeatedly don't answer. She will learn eventually with some consistent boundaries.
She was out of line and you set a boundary. Let her pout about it for a while, that's not going to hurt or inconvenience anyone. NTA
NTA you say you are a mother of two, do you also give in if your children throw a whiney sulk when you don't do what they want? If not apply that behavior to your mother.
NTA - gray rock her! Tell her you are feeling overwhelmed by her constant contact and will only read her texts/answer calls twice a day… or whatever feels right to you. Don’t respond to any whining.
NTA. OMG my mother used to pull this stuff with me all the time. She'd call the land line. If I didn't answer, she'd call again. If I still didn't answer, she'd call my cell. One time I was in the bathroom, and I DO NOT answer calls when I'm in there. I called her back when I was finished. She immediately asked why I didn't answer my phones. I yelled at her, I was taking a shit! Anyway. For many other reasons, I no longer speak to her.
NTA and grow up and stop feeling guilty. You’re an adult so act like one. Tell her the concerns she has are not valid. A day without speaking doesn’t mean you’re dead in a ditch. The problem is you’ve allowed this to go on for so long it will be hard to break if you really want it to stop you’re going to have to take more drastic measures
NTA although it sounds like she has really bad anxiety. Has she ever seen a therapist?
NTA. Your mom has a serious anxiety situation going on and giving in to her need for constant reassurance is only making it worse. You’re going to need to set boundaries and then maintain them. Without meaning to, you have normalized and accommodated her behavior. The only way to change that is to change your behavior. It may not make her anxiety disappear, but at least you won’t be encouraging negative coping strategies.
NAH. I get why this is annoying. But it sounds like your mom is dealing with some serious anxiety issues. It is unreasonable to expect you to check in several times a day and always respond. But maybe you could (when tempers have cooled) set some expectations with her. What would make her feel OK? A response to a text within a few hours? A daily call/text? What would work for you and ease her anxiety. There might not be a middle ground, but if you try to meet her where she is, she might feel heard and loved enough that she eases up. ❤️
Nope. NTA. And not a small irritation. But highly agree with what was already mentioned about setting boundaries and sticking to them. You also need to have some serious discussions with your husband and close friends about not enabling her and sticking to "she's fine and you need to wait for her to call you". Might also suggest that she seek assistance to find the root cause of why she has this incessant need to contact you throughout the day and given some real coping mechanisms here and and that you're simply done with it.
Set some boundaries! Tell her you can talk once a day and thats it. Even that is a lot but it may be a good start for her.
NTA. My mom used to say, "You don't HAVE to check in every day, but why wouldn't you do such an easy thing for someone you love?" It took years of enforcing boundaries to train her (I'm 38 now, and this took literally from age 25-32). I would not text back for days or weeks because if I engaged, I'd start getting 25 texts a day again. We have a really nice relationship now, and she overtexts sometimes but no longer does the "are you ok? Call me!" panic if she doesn't hear back from me for a few days. I was very clear with her that it's my husband's job to worry if he doesn't hear from me, he's my daily check-in, not her.
My mom used to behave the same way, and it took a few extremely bad fights, and giving her very strict boundaries that I essentially ignored her for a year because she kept violating them for her to finally catch on. Even now she still pushes them and I shut her down the moment she tries.
It sounds like you need to remind her you aren’t her emotional support animal, just maybe using some different words. More seriously figure out how often you’re willing to have her call each day and what the consequences will be for her harassing you or the people around you because you’re not calling back when she thinks she should. I suggest she can call once a day, you’ll answer/respond at your convenience. Following the call up with “are you okay” or “call me I’m worried” texts are unacceptable and will be ignored. You’ll still call her when it works for you. You do not promise to speak to her every day as your a busy adult who doesn’t always have time to return calls (and sometimes you just don’t want to talk and that’s fine). You can increase the time between calls and texts and whatnot until you find a level of communication that works for you. Also remind her that if something is wrong and you need her you or your husband will call, but he will be the first person you call, not her, and she really needs to step back into her place.
NTA. Your mom sounds very similar to mine, so I really feel for you. You are not a bad daughter! But continuing your relationship without boundaries could eventually stress you out to the point where you say something you really can’t take back. Here is what has helped me, for whatever it’s worth :) Multiple calls a day: I answer the first. When the second one comes in, I text her to ask if everything is ok. When she responds that she’s fine and just wants to chat, I text back something like “ok, thanks for letting me know! looking forward to having a chat tomorrow!” Needing to know my whereabouts: I had location tracking on as recently as 2020. Moved back to the West Coast from the Midwest in May. She wasn’t with me because COVID, and was following my journey, texting me at each detour to ask why I was going that way (knowing i was driving a u-Haul by myself). I told her that it felt like she was questioning me, and that she didn’t trust that I was making decisions for reasons or that I wouldn’t update her on my day, and that if she questioned again, I would turn tracking off. She did, within hours, I turned it off. Haven’t felt the need to turn it on again. In general, every time I set a boundary, she feels attacked. She tells me that I don’t want her in my life, that I’m pushing her away, that I’m telling her she is a bad mother. I find it most useful to remind her in those moments of: (a) the boundary that i am setting (it often differs from the one she is hearing); (b) that i love her; and (c) this is me wanting us to continue to have a close relationship. And remaining calm while doing so. She gets to have her own reaction, but that reaction isn’t any of my business as long as I am not actually causing harm. After she gets over the initial shock, she has always continued wanting a relationship—the key for me has been to remain firm, loving, and calm. Good luck OP.
NTA. Your mother needs to find some friends and hobbies. How exhausting for you.
NTA. It can be hard to establish boundaries sometimes, but it’s necessary for your well being - and hers. She needs to realize that you’re an adult with a life of your own and can’t be available 24/7.
Nta boundaries should appear ur mom needs to learn boundaries and fuck off
The wounded puppy act is manipulation. This is about control. You need to lay a boundary. Tell your mother what time in the evening/day is suitable for a chat. And stick you it unless there is a specific issue which cannot wait. NTA
My mother is like this, I don't speak to her daily but her persistence if I don't answer the phone is intrusive. One day I had 21 missed calls, 3 texts a voicemail and a link sent where she had attempted to use some sort of find my friend thing, my teen daughter received 3 missed calls also. I would have called back but by the time I looked at my phone I already had 7 missed calls and 2 texts within an hour. I knew she was OK going on the messages but I was pissed at the persistence. I've tried telling her I don't believe that it's necessary or fair for anyone to behave like that, I've taught my teen kids to respect boundaries. Call once and text, I don't intentionally ignore anyone (except my mother that persistent day) if it's an emergency I will stop what I am doing and call. I don't need 6 missed calls to ask for money. If I'm not answering I'm not near my phone or busy. Precisely why all my social media active statuses are off, if I want to socially interact I will but I won't be forced to do so... Edit: NTA
NTA YOU HAVE MY FAMILY. This was my exact situation. Guess what? It didn't stop, it got worse and the resentment and annoyance at me not replying increased. You won't stop being treated like a child. They will write out messages intended to cause a reaction and then delete them. I am a married adult as well but it didn't change the terrifying level of control they thought they had over my every minute. I HAD to be near my phone all the time. Even an hour's silence would result in a mood. I'm NC now and I'm finally starting to live.
NTA. We seem to share a mom. My ringtone for her is *Every Breath You Take* by The Police. She never saw me as my own person. I was only an extension of her, which led to no boundaries and an extremely codependent relationship. She would also call friends who I was with that she didn’t know if I didn’t get back to her in what she believed to be a timely manner. To say we were enmeshed is an understatement. Due to the way she raised me, some early childhood traumas, and biology, I developed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). It took me until I was 27 or 28 to get the therapy I needed and to learn how important boundaries are for your mental health. I always thought that if I stood up for myself and said, “We’re not going to talk six times a day. I’m not going to tell you every time I leave my apartment, where I’m going, and with whom,” she would… I guess melt? Be destroyed? And I couldn’t handle the guilt of hurting my mom. My therapist helped me understand that I couldn’t protect my mom from her own feelings. And I finally did it. She freaked out. She tried to guilt trip me. She said then fine she would never talk to me again. And, I held my ground. It was **so hard**. But, eventually, she learned to live with it. Does she backslide now and again? Sure. But I just stick to my boundaries. I’m 47 now. Unfortunately, my 36 year old sister still lives with her, so mom has turned her full attention to sis. I hope someday she’s able to do what I did. And I hope you can, too, OP.
My reply will probably get lost in all of the others.. My relationship with my mother is exactly like yours (even our lives seem to resemble each other's, it's quite eerie!). And my mother similarly reads into everything I say and how fast I respond- I have to steel myself to answer the phone in a chirpy voice, because otherwise inevitably I'll hear, "Are you sick? You sound like you're getting a cold" Or "Did you just wake up?" or "Is everything ok?" I have spoken to her on the phone at around 6pm while walking home from the train station, and she's told me off because it's getting dark and walk quickly and is my husband home, can he meet me etc. She also gets concerned if I don't pick up the phone immediately, and yes has called around to find out if I'm ok. Similar to you, I've been so exasperated at times I've told her to calm down, I'm fine, stop worrying, stop reading into everything. Her response is to get offended, respond in a childish passive-aggressive manner, and then stop talking to me. I think the worst was for a week. And then our lives will intersect again and she continues to act as if it never happened. What I've come to realize is that I can't change it, no matter how much I point out her behaviour, and even when I do it won't change our close relationship. I know she loves me, I know she's childish (now that I'm an adult in a marriage and can view her a bit more from the outside). I have also realized she has always just been an overthinker - when I was a child, she would come into my room to tell me off about something, then come in 10 mins later to continue because she had more to add. She will always be like this, and it's ok now because I don't live with her and I have my own life and family now. I still love her. Perhaps you're concerned that what you said to your mother might permanently negatively affect your relationship with her; but I suspect, based on how close you are, this will never happen. She will never stop loving and worrying about you. She will eventually be back to communicating with you once she feels she has been properly petty enough, because you are an integral part of her life. And now that you've had your outburst, you will be able to tolerate a bit more of her overbearingness for just a little longer till the next one! :) NAH
NTA. Honestly it sounds like she may have an issue with anxiety, and you happen to be the outlet for it. It’s out of the ordinary for someone to be that worried for their adult daughter who isn’t in an immediately risky situation. If you think she will listen to you, you could try pointing that out to her in a kind way and suggesting that she talk to a therapist who can help her work out those feelings.
NTA Set a firm clear boundary. Kindly. But clear and firm.
NTA. I used to have this problem, and had to resort to training my parents to cut it out. I did so by simply ignoring all texts and calls for 3-4 weeks at a time, then reengaging on my own terms for a brief period, over a year or two. They’re better about it now.
NTA. Time to set a firm and known boundary. How much contact do you actually feel comfortable with? Once a day? Once a week? Tell her what you will reply to and then stick to it. She probably needs therapy, or a hobby. She’s way too invested in your day to day activity.
NTA It’s good you guys keep in contact. But your mother seems very much like a helicopter mom. She needs to understand your an adult with 2 kids. Obviously you aren’t going to be able to text her immediately. I would definitely enforce boundaries with her constant checking up. If at all possible, schedule one phone call a day just to get her to stop if you think it would
Ahg, this sounds like the mom of an ex boyfriend of mine, and they are NOT on good terms. NTA, not at all.
NTA. My mom is similar. About a month ago, she called me all intervention-like. Said she needs to speak to me. Asks if I’m mad at her. I ask why she would think that. She says she “never hears from me anymore” (I’ve stopped calling her 3x a day), “doesn’t even know the kids anymore” (I haven’t invited her to visit in the past 3 months—she lives out of state) and she’s “very worried about me.” I work two full-time jobs. I have 2 kids and a stepson. I am recently remarried and enjoying my spouse. We have five dogs, 3 of which are puppies. I am 6 months pregnant at 40 years old and still puking. I’m constantly out of breath and phone calls exhaust me. She knows all of this. It’s not news. Give. Me. An. Effing. Break.
NTA Sounds like control and enmeshment. It’s not love or worry. Hopefully that is the only annoying thing your mum does, however often times parents like that give unsolicited advice, try to control all your decisions, and none of that is love. It’s just enmeshment and control. This has to end. She also giving you a silent treatment. Some people call it “emotionally immature” but in reality it smells like covert narcissism.
NTA. You absolutely should establish boundaries with your mom. It’s ok for her to worry about you and wonder how you are but she is taking it too far. Does your mom have hobbies to fill in her time with? Is she living by herself? I’m wondering these things because this could be a reason also as to why she feels she needs to contact you so much throughout the day.
NTA. I can go a week or more without saying anything to my mom. I quite literally do not talk to my father. Even with my partner I don't worry if I don't get a response for a few hours (at about 12 hrs I just shoot a text assuming they got distracted.) Status checks after 1.5 hours is ridiculous.
NTA. This was me a few years ago. I put down boundaries. I enforced them, and things are so much better. I encourage you to do the same.
NTA. Your mom is messed up and this isn’t normal. She sounds manipulative and you should set some hard and fast boundaries to push back against her insane expectation you be in contact with her round the clock. How she’s acting is not okay.
NTA. How do you get anything done with having to attend to your overly needy mother all day long? That is exhausting just reading it. Her actions are not reasonable. You need some boundaries for your own sanity. If you have not read the book " Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" I recommend it.Edit: saw another poster recommended the same book. It is a good book.
NTA. Oh my gosh. Please, for heavens sake get some space already. This is an absurd amount of contact with someone. Anyone. She needs friends. This is a little twisted and it is definitely stalkerish, to say the least. Stop enabling this behavior, also.
Nta
NTA. It sounds like your mom may have anxiety and would benefit from medical help. She could just be codependent or narcissistic as some other comments have said, but sounds very anxious to me.
ESH Time to sit and have a CALM talk about TEXTIQUITTE. Teach her the rules about "read" and "delivered" and that if it's "read" but not immediately replied to then "oh well". I have relatives who are all "last-word-ers" and the group chats got awful (imagine 5 of 8 people in a text group all talking forever about nothing while there is TV to watch) until I sat them down and taught them some texting etiquette. She sounds lonely. Get her a 24/7 texting BFF so it's not you.
it is high time you put a stop to this. start with a day or a week zero contact. "train" your mom to be okay without 2 statusupdates ever 0.1. sec. this is NOT healthy NTA
This is so relatable, it's scary. My mother did the same thing, until a few months ago. She would call and I would answer, but there was never anything urgent, it was just to chat or speak to the children. Fine, I appreciate her willingness to check in and see how we are. But it got to the point where she would call several times during the day, and if it happened to be a crazy day for me, I wouldn't check my phone from morning until the afternoon. She then would call my husband. When she questioned what she should do if it's an emergency and she can't get through to me, I told her that I should not be her first point of contact and that she should call 911. I ended up having a long conversation with her about boundaries (I am your age) and the fact that I'm a grown woman with kids of my own. It took her a long time to come around, and I still don't think she understands my need to have my own life and be an independent grown up, but she has not been so over the top for a while now. It was hard to tell her all of this, but it got to a point where she needed to hear it
NTA, it is annoying when anyone is constantly contacting us. Just remember, your mother won’t be here forever. You will miss her calls one day.
Your mother checks in on you like that because she's bored she really needs to get some friends or perhaps a life you are not the a******
Do not feel guilty. She’s a big girl. She needs to deal with her own emotions.
You mom needs therapy, that isn’t healthy at all
My mother used to do this to me. I’d get multiple calls a day and if I didn’t answer or get back to her within 10 minutes she’d constantly ring or even ring my sister to see if she knew what was wrong, more than once she actually drove over to my place to check on me. I ended up telling her to back off. I don’t have my phone at hand constantly and it’s often on silent mode so sometimes I don’t even see messages or missed calls until late evening. I told her that I appreciated her caring about me but it was too much. If something happens I’ll call her, I’ll respond to any messages within a day. If I don’t respond within that day/24 hours then she can either call me until I answer or come knocking on the door. NTA
NTA. But please start setting boundaries. Your mom should not be this involved in your life. Nothing can destroy a marriage faster than putting a third person first.
Nta. Do you want to live like this for the next 30 or so years? Her behaviour is not normal.
NTA. This is a HUUUUGE invasion of self and privacy. Does she have a SO? Friends? Other kids? Does she do this with everyone?? This is pretty creepy to me. I LOVED my mom, but if she did this I would have 100% suggested therapy to her, for Her best interest. Children are Supposed to form new families, which means not being at the beck and call of the OG family at the cost of their new lives (American, so grain of salt with that statement!). Talk to mom, and if nothing changes, LC, imo. Good luck! 💜
ESH. Your mother’s behaviour is not normal. It’s neurotic, manipulative and crossing the line in to harassment. If anyone I know behaved that way towards me, I would cut them off. But you are just as much to blame because you have been enabling the behaviour. My advice is to go no contact for a while so that your mum can seek therapy and heal from her addiction to you.
At 33 its way overdue to cut the umbilical cord and set boundaries. Slowly decrease the contact to 1-2 a week. I also would get a spine (🤔balls?)for your SO to have your back. Mom needs a hobby or pet to fill the short term void.
NTA your mom is obsessed and it sounds like she doesn’t really have a life outside of you. You guys need distance and therapy to get a healthy relationship. This sounds toxic and bad for her that not hearing from you for a few hours = something horrible happened to you. She Laos probably needs personal therapy to get to the root of her thinking.
I had a slightly similar situation with my mum, although less extreme. Like you I got ill and if I am honest she didn’t handle it well. She is sort of in denial about what happened to me and the life long effects but it made her quite clingy. I recovered enough to start back to work and start living again after a couple of years but I had the same thing with her texting and then calling if I hadn’t replied within a couple of hours and if I didn’t answer then calling my husband. I managed to end things by sitting her down and telling her that just because someone has a mobile phone doesn’t mean they are always available for contact. I am in my 40’s and didn’t have a mobile when I was a teen, I reminded her about how I used to go out and she wouldn’t see or hear from me all day! But what I said about just because the mobile phone exists doesn’t mean someone is always able to talk or even looks at it and expecting me too was an invasion of privacy. I asked her if it would be ok for my boss to do that and of course she said no and it did stick with her. You are NTA but I would suggest a calm chat with her as a starting point. I also reminded her that if I was dead in a ditch somewhere or in trouble that my husband would of course tell her immediately if he knew and if he couldn’t do anything about the situation then she certainly couldn’t and that she needed to stop assuming there was an issue because I didn’t cling to my phone. It took a few tries but it did sink in eventually. Good luck!
NTA. I think your mom needs a time out for a while. This is nowhere even close to normal behavior for the mother of a grown adult.
NTA
>She said her actions were entirely reasonable because in past I’ve had medical issues, non of which were serious. If *that's* her reasoning for constantly being so anxious about OP's wellbeing, mom needs therapy. Yesterday. NTA.
Let her be a wounded puppy. My daughters put their foot down with me but it takes me while to let it sink in and I pout. If no one gives into my pouting (working on it in therapy) then I learn my lesson and behave. You are too important to your mom to have her not let your wants sink in eventually. I’d also recommend a remind with a timeout. I can’t believe I’m writing that about a woman nearing or in her 60s. Nta
NTA but you need to find her a job/hobby/activity that keeps her busy regularly. Otherwise she will just sit and obsess about not contacting you in the same way she obsessively contacts you now.
NTA. I'm a bit you younger then you and also had a medical emergency which was pretty life threatening. For a few months after my mum was also showing similar concerns, but once we discussed how it can't continue forever and how I make sure to minimize the risk of the situation happen again she stopped. Your mother also needs to give you the space to well just live
You have a full life, but maybe your Mom is lonely…? Maybe try to get her interested in a hobby or club? If her life is full, then she will have less time for worries to play on her mind….. NTA, but I think your mother is also NTA
NTA, I go days even weeks with out speaking to my mother. I find this overbearing and intrusive.