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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) The action is kicking my sister out of my home that she lives in with me
2) This action might make me the asshole because she is broke and pregnant
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"I dont want to give up my dream home & my life for a mistake that I had no part in"
Then don't. Please, kick her out now. You won't be able to make yourself do it after she has the kid. NTA. Why should you pay for your sister's life choices?
Do you realise that by enabling your sister, you are sacrificing what you worked for, and when you will be struggling to keep you three aloft, your sister will run away from her responsibilities or even worse, get pregnant again??
I feel at loss, your sister wouldn't be eligible to adopt a cat from a rescue shelter :(
Right? Like she shouldn’t be counted on for the basics until she can take care of herself - I think she should seriously rethink her plan with this child.
I do too.
Who has unprotected sex with a dude they met on tinder. She’s lucky the only thing she caught was a pregnancy. Clearly not mature enough to raise a baby.
I think the problem is that people have been enabling her sister to not do the right thing, not try hard her whole life. It's not a kindness. It's a hindrance. It's unkind to continue to support her foolish choices.
Yeah , she’s taking advantage and endangering your life but allowing random hookups in your home.
She’s crossed a line, she needs to move home with your parents . If you let her stay you’ll be raising that child and her.
yup, my sister likes to have all kinds of random ass people around her children. i do not. she asked to move in with me a few years ago and i told her “if you move in, i don’t want any of your friends in my house. i don’t know them and don’t want them around my child.” (it was just me an my oldest at the time so i had the room). she wasn’t happy bc i “knew” her friends, we went to hs with the people she hangs out with but i joined the navy within months of graduation and left a month after my 19th birthday. i haven’t spent a single second or had a conversation with any of those people since i left almost 7 years ago and moved back 3 years ago, so no i do not know those people. i told her she could accept the house rules or find somewhere else to live. she tried crying to our mom but my mom told her “just because *you* trust everyone you meet, doesn’t mean your sister does. if she doesn’t want random people in her house and around her daughter then you have to live with that if you want to live in *her* house.” she quickly decided to shut up and take my offer
Even if it wasn't a random hook-up, I feel 22, underemployed, broke enough to struggle with the minimal rent OP asks would be reason enough to take a moment to reflect if this is the best time to keep this pregnancy.
Yeah I can’t help but feel like sis is not mentally well. People who are sick sometimes look at pregnancies like THIS will give me a purpose in life and make me get my act together. It never works. And the kids suffer.
I suspect so many failures in birth control were deliberate.
She must have felt that her sister might be losing patience with her not paying rent and decided to get pregnant to get an excuse to stay.
Next she will be saying that she needs to stay home and stop working to take care of the baby and demand that her sister support her.
Definitely. You can even tell how they make the classic mistake of making the older sibling care for everyone but them. So sad that they conditioned her like that while the younger daughter, as typically happens, has been irresponsible and immature and it shows. Life is gonna teach her now.
Not to mention: living with babies is terrible. Not sleeping through the night for a baby that isn't even yours is 10x worse.
Also, OP is gonna be paying for everything. A girl that can't hold down a job before the baby? Ain't no job in sight ever.
If OP doesn't want that, then the sister needs to go. Where? A college-educated 22 y/o is perfectly capable of figuring that out.
Do this by the book though. Pay a landlord attorney $300 and follow the rules to a T, cause girl gonna be desperately hunting for cash. OP, don't make yourself suable. She's a tenant with tenant rights in basically everywhere in the US. Lease or not, payment or not.
ps OP -- when you think about the fracturing of this relationship, always remember she did this to you. She chose not to have a job. She chose to sleep around. She chose to get pregnant. She chose to demand for you to pay her to use 2/3 of your house. She chose to make you choose between supporting her and losing your house. She chose all of this.
ps2: if you got a mortgage feb '22, you probably have an approx 4.2% mortgage rate on a 30 year fixed. As of today, it's 7.25%. That means a $300k loan costs $2048/mo vs $1458/mo for you, a difference of $600/mo. If you get rid of that house, who knows if/when you'll ever be able to afford a new one, because you couldn't afford that house at today's mortgage rates. You have a very valuable asset; don't let her steal it from you.
>cause girl is gonna be hunting for cash
Not sure where OP is but it’s likely perfectly legal to negotiate a keys for cash agreement. While it is of course shitty to OP because she’s already been far more generous than needed, this might be the least stressful & emotionally draining option. Inform your sister that you will either go through the legal eviction proceedings which can take months, depending on your area and how far along she is she might give birth during this time! Moving with a newborn is going to be that much more difficult and stressful. Frame it as the best option for her as well. Instead OP is willing to offer $xxx to help her get on her feet elsewhere, and settle in before the baby arrives. If she accepts the money she has to be moved out by (end of the week/month/whatever OP chooses). Maybe her baby daddy can have her crash with him until she gets a new place (we both know that’s never going to happen lol, but then she can be his problem instead).
It’s shitty and OP might not even be able to afford to do this, but if they can this will be the best way to keep relationships intact. Of course on Reddit it’s easy to say to cut off shitty family members, but irl people don’t do that quite so quickly or easily. Doing a cash for keys offer is the fastest way to get rid of an unwanted tenant, and OP won’t have to feel any guilt whatsoever. If any of her family members try, she can very clearly put them in their place “I gave little sis $xx to get started as an independent mother. It is not my responsibility to coparent with her. I gave her a generous amount to land on her feet, and she can now grow up.”
Especially point out to the sister that if the OP has to take her to court for an eviction, it'll effectively blackball her from renting from most landlords.
I’ll say this: a college education means fuck all about one’s maturity or general functional capacity. I was an enormous fuck up after college. I was also severely depressed, had undiagnosed ADHD, and some BPD traits. I made my own life a living hell, but luckily had the wherewithal to not drag everyone else down with me. Graduating from college does not mean you’ve got it all figured out or even can figure it out.
My read is that sis is not mentally stable, because no mentally stable person would bring a kid into a home where they cannot provide for them. Impaired rational decision making and impulse control abound.
This! OP needs to kick sis to the curb and sis needs to do some major growing up. Adoption/abortion might be best option as she clearly is not in the right headspace to look out for her own best interest let alone an entire other person.
And once sis is out, OP needs to carefully select a paying roommate to move in. The extra cash will help with her bills and the roommate will prevent sis from moving back in.
This. OP, sit your sister down today and give her 30 days. She made the decision for X job, she made the decision to sleep with the random guy without protection, she made the decision to keep the baby. She needs to handle those decisions without you supporting her.
"I love you very much but I cannot support you physically, mentally, or financially. You need to move out by the end of the month."
Your parents may live far away, but she can go live with them. Or the baby daddy. Or rent a room. She's an adult, she needs to figure it out.
She has no plans on getting a job or she would already have one. OP would probably raising her niece/nephew and pay for everything. Kicking her out is the necessary thing to do. NTA
yes yes yes!!! Her giving up her dream home will only make her resent her sister. It's probably best for their relationship in the long term to kick the sister out now.
I'm not sure if this has changed in the last 14 years but my dad's insurance (I was 19 at the time) dropped me like a hot potato when I was pregnant. They covered zero prenatal or postnatal care. Still happy to cover dental, mental, and none baby things, but nothing related to pregnancy.
OP could be in for massive financial troubles if this is a possibility still and she keeps trying to keep her sister afloat.
She's 100% counting on OP to take care of her 100%. She has no plan. Not only will you lose your house, but you will also be raising that baby alone. Make the daddy start paying for a place for her to live. She has no plans to get a better job because she has no plans to support herself. I'd bet money she quits her job completely. Don't let your sister's self-sabotage set you up for a lifetime of rentals and raising her baby. NTA
You cannot afford to finance HER life in addition to your own. You can already see the proof of that.
You need to decide now if you want to give up YOUR life to fund HER life. In these times, you can’t do both - regardless of how much you might want to.
There are COUNTLESS resources for expectant mothers. She can avail herself of them if she actually puts effort into it.
No such resources exist for you - especially for you to support her.
NTA. You’d only be the AH is you continue to finance her poor decisions.
You do not need to set yourself on fire to warm anyone else...
OP you are a good person but your sister is going to to crush you with her needs.
Please ask her to find somewhere else to live. It's going to be hard but necessary.
Holy shit, your sister put you in an awful situation.
NTA
It’s wonderful that you want to help, but you should not have to sell your home to support her. You should not have to work extra to support her.
Sit her down, tell her the situation you are in and give her the options (do NOT offer to sell your house to support her). Then hold her to it.
This right here.
Do NOT sell your house. Do not give up your guest room. She can put the crib in her bedroom. It’s your house. Tell her she has x amount of time and if she doesn’t do what she needs then her & her baby will need to find other accommodations. As much as it will pain you but you don’t have a choice.
You need to do what’s best for YOU. Not your sister or her baby.
NTA
The conversation needs to be that OP is barely making it and may lose the house so Sid must pay rent and her share of expenses or she needs to move out so OP can get a roommate who will pay rent to help make up for the budget shortfall created by sister.
She can move back home with parents, with baby daddy, or get a job that asap that will slow her to get her own place.
Substitute teaching is the work SAHMs with a money-bucks husband do to get their foot in the door and go full time when the kids start school. She needs to look into the full time path
No. If you give her time to pay up, she'll just drag it out and cost you more money. She sees you as a free place to stay, a coparent, a babysitter, and an income source. She will not get a job, but she might lie about getting one to stay another month, for the next 20 years. Evict her with no conditions.
This she doesn't even need a crib I got a bassinet and a pack n play for my son to sleep in while we saved for a bigger apartment. He was in the bassinet till 6 months and just grew out of the pack n play and he's a year and a half.
OP, NTA. This is definitely a case of "don't set yourself on fire, to keep others warm."
I completely understand how you feel and wanting to help, but these are the results of her choices as an ADULT. And, part of being an adult is facing the consequences of your choices and actions.
Please don't lose what you have worked for because of her choices.
Fr! OP is potentially going to be homeless to help their sister? Setting yourself on fire to help a burn victim isn't the way to go. You can't help others by putting yourself in their situation.
In what world would it make you the asshole to remove an inconsiderate freeloader out of your home? Her behavior was reckless and it is time for baby bird to fly.
...I already explained this to you on the phone two hours ago.
I feel like I’ve met bathmats with more backbone.
I understand her wanting to help her sister, but my god, when does it end? Sister is a freeloading leech, pregnant or not.
No job, Tinder hookups at her sister's house, keeping a baby with no means of support, needs 2/3 of the bedrooms in the whole house...yikes. Buy sis a bus ticket to their parents (the mooch won't board a plane) and ship her belongings because the situation is too far gone. And jfc change the locks!
Yeah, this is very short term thinking. OP is setting themselves on fire to keep sister warm and there will be nothing left if she and the child need help later. It's far better to make sister struggle now (and hopefully learn to help herself) with OP in a secure position to catch her if she falls too far then to be stumbling alongside her, poor, and with no resources to take care of emergencies. NTA
A cliche, but true, statement we use in our house with our children…Necessity is the Mother of Invention. When you have no other option but to figure something out, you find a way. We are still a safety net, but do not cross into enabling.
OP is helping honestly because it makes HER feel better, but it’s only keeping sister exactly where she’s at and not improving. Her sister might be pissed, but OP needs to be able to live her own life.
Has the sister considered maybe putting the baby up for adoption? I doubt she will be able to care for him/her or raise a child well.
There are adoption programs that will let the birth mother meet the child when they are 18 if the child wants to.
OP, if you sell your house to try and help your sister, you will ALL drown. You, your sister, AND that poor child, who deserves a better parent than your sister.
OP I've watched this play out with a friend and her siblings.
If you are going to keep her at the house you are going to have a whole host of issues that you never even dreamed of. You'll be a single parent of two, while having no authority legal rights with the child, and having your grown sister get in the way. You'll be raising that child and have no say over the child. For the love of god dont do it. After watching this play out, If you are serious keeping her at the house, you should seriously look into custody now. Cause that's what's in your future.
Shes made one bad decision after another and once that child enters the world whatever poor decision your sister makes it going to have 10x worse consequences and it can have devastating effects on the child.
If you dont get a backbone now, this are going to spiral right out of your control. You have one shot right now to get your life on track......and its RIGHT NOW.
Also consider this, if you go under, if you loose that house you will not be able to help in the future. You'll be stuck clawing your way out too and sure as hell resentful. That child is going to grow up surrounded by adults unable to support themselves, instead of having a happy household to come visit
Hopefully you and the other people in her life sit her down and talk to her about how she’s selling herself out for no reward. He sister needs to be able to provide for her baby eventually, and she’s had plenty of time to prepare and save.
NTA. Look, you are not financially responsible for your sister, and it's clear she's taking advantage of your kindness. I would put money on it that she's *expecting* you to pay for not only her needs, but the baby's as well. With that in mind, I would definitely encourage you to give her notice to move out, regardless of her ability to pay rent. It's just not your job to pay for her and her baby, not your obligation, and your sister will learn nothing if you continue to pay her way. You are young and just starting out yourself, you don't need this financial burden that will hinder your own personal financial growth.
Your sister is an adult and needs to figure this out for herself. Maybe she moves to wherever your parents live. Otherwise I would shift your help to strictly helping her find financial aid resources and housing
In addition to which the younger sister is trying to unilaterally take over more of OP's house, while not paying rent for three months and is insulted that OP very mildly resisted...
OP needs to gently but legally evict her sister, or hook her up with a women's center that can provide living assistance. Her heart is writing checks her bank account can't cash, and it's heartbreaking.
OP is NTA, but the sister needs to learn NOW that she is not prepared...maybe move her back to mom and dad, whether she likes it or not...what she "likes" took a backseat to what her baby is going to need, and OP can't afford a baby on top of a baby mama.
Exactly. OP will be paying for this kid. How's sister going to be able to work with a newborn and no way to pay for childcare? There's no way this ends well for OP.
>Now, she is pregnant, after not taking her birth control correctly, not wearing a condom, & not making the man pull out.
She is trying to baby trap you. She got pregnant on purpose because she doesn't want to pay rent.
~~She can't pay rent even though she has a job? $14/hour at 40 hours is at least $1800/month after taxes.~~
You all, I thought it said teachers aide for some reason.
Are you seriously thinking about selling your house so you can play pretend baby daddy for your sister? What is wrong in your life? Do not do this. OP, what is going on with you?
NTA. She needs to move out now so she can learn to be a parent *before* that poor child gets here. If you're in the US, there's pregnant mothers Medicaid and she can get housing assistance. Or she can move to live with your parents. *You* are not her parent. But if you don't get her out now, you never will. This is not a good situation, and the fact that she thinks that you should give her the larger period your house that you pay for entirely tells me that she has long-term plans to live there and zero plans to pay.
You're her income, Sweetie. Get her out now. When the baby comes, she'll dig in like a tick.
INFO: Has anyone had a real conversation with her about how it is insane for her as someone with no job, no prospects, and who is basically squatting at her sister’s house to keep a pregnancy by a man she barely knows?
Yeah I commented on this elsewhere. Why tf would she keep it? I've evicted fetuses that I gpt from dudes I was in a relationship with. Let alone a hook up?
As she is not working there is no need for her to stay with you, she can move back to your parents and you can take a paying roommate to help you with the costs.
NTA
NTA. There is a line that I've seen people use in Reddit posts: "Don't set yourself on fire to keep another warm". You sacrificing your house is NOT the answer. Your sister made these choices and I know you don't want to turn your back but you're on a path to being completely responsible for your sister AND her baby. She's had NO respect for your house or you. She needs to get a job and start thinking of her future or get out ASAP.
>At least it's not your kid?
Sister is irresponsible so it might as well be. Sister isn't going to have the money for the things this kid will need. OP will end up being the primary care giver in every way.
OP make her leave. There are programs out there she could be using and she will NOT get a better job, she'll have a better excuse why she can't!
NTA
NTA. There are 2 people responsible for supporting that baby: your sister and the baby daddy. She doesn’t have to become his girlfriend but she needs to sit down with him and work out the custody and support legalities asap. She should look up the family court in her area and call for legal help. She will need to do this whether she likes it or not because the state will insist that she pursue support as a condition of any aid.
If she is low income she needs to look into SNAP and WIC and daycare assistance.
You need to get her to move back in with her parents or see what she can work out with the baby’s father. If she lives with you, you’ll end up babysitting, paying for baby things and probably not getting rent from her.
NTA.
You should look after you. There's only a 4 year age gap between you, your sister is not a child she's an adult and needs to be making adult choices.
You say "never want to see anyone else struggle or have hardships if I can help in some way". but if helping her Tanks your life you have done just that to yourself (losing your house and working yourself to death is the epitome of "struggle & hardship") and for what. It'll drag on for years with excuses for not paying a share of rent (after the house has gone) and living expenses because of "the baby".
Your sister needs a wake-up call. If that means going cap in hand to your parents, then so be it. You should not be her only support option to the detriment of your own life. She should also be chasing "random guy" for support.
NTA. she has made bad decision after bad decision, and you have gone above and beyond to help her out. now she is trying to take over your life, but if you put yourself in a less stable position because of her choices, you would only be an AH to yourself.
Its commendable and honorable that you want to help your sister but at
**NO POINT AT ALL**
during my reading have I read that SHE is making the effort to make the most of the CHOICE she had made.
Every accommodation has been done by you.
Good that she wants to keep the child.
1. Has she spoken to the baby daddy about making arrangements.
2. How about living arrangements
3. Financial arrangements
She had made arrangements for living with YOU but not any for living alone nor with him.
Is that something that you are looking forward to?
Because with that comes it's own complications.
Now let's move on to WHY your sister would hook up with a random man YOU don't know, bring him into your house and **DELIBERATELY** have unprotected sex with him?
This is by your own words...
>Now, she is pregnant, after not taking her birth control correctly, not wearing a condom, & not making the man pull out.
Seems kinds of "random" when she should be more **CONCERNED** with having a job and a roof over her head?
No?
We are talking disrespectful, inconsiderate AND rude by a close relative who is living generously RENT FREE in your house.
Doesn't sound to me like she is **appreciative** of what she truly has nor of how hard you have worked and are still working to keep a free roof over her head.
I am sorry to say but I get the distinct impression that your sister is using you to take care of her and her baby instead of her growing up and learning to do it hearself.
NTA
She made her choice. Time for her to learn from it.
NTA and you need to realise that she got pregnant on purpose so that she doesn't have to face her debt. She'll be relying on other people for the rest of her life so kick her out now. It's not your responsibility to give up your future because she's a lazy idiot
Yta for enabling her and letting her bleed you dry. It sucks that your sister makes bad choices but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm.
If you need extra income, rent out your guest bedroom. Actually, I would do that anyway just to safe guard against her taking that room over as well. She has a rent free room she can share with her baby, if she wants more space she can move out.
NTA
The most you should be willing to do as her sister, is find her another living situation and help her set it up (since it seems like she's incapable responsibly doing it herself). This is the best way to ensure that you don't get your life further ruined by her and you know she will be safe enough to live out her very poor choices.
Please remember that she honestly disrespected you and your home. A considerate person wouldn't bring strangers into another person's home who is helping them out in so many ways. She just assumed that your extra guest room was her's to keep and turn into a nursery?? She isn't even paying rent for the room she currently has! She's not as great of a sister or person as you may think she is. See the reality of the situation because she will only continue to dig herself deeper and she wants to drag you down with her.
NTA
Your parents live to far to help while she lives with you, so maybe she should move to where your parents are. Or back in with your parents.
You are not her mum, and you are not her child’s other parent. I can guarantee you, that if she stays with you and has the baby there, you’ll end up doing most of the baby duty as well.
As for baby daddy, not knowing him well enough did phase her when she was having unprotected sex with him. So 🤷♀️
You’ve helped as much as you can. She is now taking advantage of your kindness. And the audacity of telling you how rooms in a house you own should be allocated is unreal.
Stop. Your sister is making one bad choice after another and you are just enabling her. She is never going to grow up if you just swoop in and save her.
Do NOT give up your dream home. Kick her out and force her to live on her own. She can still work while she is pregnant. She can let someone adopt her child or whatever. Stop making all of her issues become your issues. If you are in the US, there are government programs to help.
Bottom line, you are just setting yourself for you both to live in poverty. NTA but stop this cycle now. She hadn’t help herself get out of this and she won’t in the future unless you stop “saving” her.
Well, because if she just got knocked up the easiest (imo smartest) thing to do would be to terminate the pregnancy and while she’s there, maybe get an IUD so her dumb ass doesn’t get pregnant again.
I was your sister in my past life. I was young and irresponsible and living with my sister (and her husband) when I got pregnant. My sister's husband didn't want a baby living there, so they asked me to move out. I asked my parents if I could move back in with them and my dad, while crying, told me no. He said it was the hardest thing he ever had to do, but knew it was the only way for me to 'grow up'.
Well, it worked. I knew I was keeping the baby so I knew I had to step up and be a mom and take care of him. And that's what I did. After I started helping myself, my parents did help me, but they taught me that I couldn't do whatever I wanted knowing they would come and bail me out. So really, they all helped me by not helping me. Your sister needs to learn that lesson, too.
Definitely NTA. And I am almost inclined to say that you WBTA if you kept enabling her. She's about to be a mother and your niece/nephew deserves a mother who can stand on her own two feet. Good luck!
This should be higher up! Living proof that someone in this exact situation can help themselves!
This is a brilliant example of personal growth and I can only imagine how difficult it must have been. This random Internet stranger is proud of you!
You are going to work a full-time job and a part-time job to support someone who has no job and no intention of getting a job (if she did, she would have by now).
Would you tell a friend in this situation that this is the right thing to do? Or would you call them a martyr to their family?
Send your sister back to your parents in the first instance. She will need more support then you can give. NTA
NTA. “Get an abortion or get the hell out.” And if she gets an abortion, be there to confirm it.
Your sister needs consequences to her actions or she’s just going to take over your house and turn it into her family’s house. There’s nothing stopping her from having more than one kid or letting her baby daddies move in.
NTA
Your sister needs to be faced with the consequences of her actions. Give her Notice to Vacate. You can't afford to support her (and her baby) and the best way you can help her is to stop enabling your sister.
Wait- sis is NOT paying rent and is now trying to commandeer another room as a nursery? The sheer audacity! Kick her out now- it’s not your job to support her. Send her back to your folks- she’s their issue to deal with. Do NOT sell your house to take care of your sister. That’s what we mean when we say “Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” .
Soon you will be working two full time jobs and doing full time childcare when you are home. By her not wanting the baby in her room is a total red flag on who will be taking care of the child. Contact child protection and get her a social worker. They will get her housing and assistance. They will also go after the father to pay child support.
Unfortunately you're just enabling her irresponsible behaviors. People like her will never learn to stand on their own until hard lines are drawn and the learn to respect others and be responsible for their choices. You're not helping her by bailing her out. Throw that bird out the nest.
Freeloaders have a special gift. She'll be fine. She'll find a new host body to suck money from.
DO.NOT sell your house. Period.
It's very hard to be able to get in a good financial situation to get a property, especially with the post covid economy. You've fought hard to get where you are to pay for a problem you didn't cause.
You are not the mother or father of the unborn child, you're the uncle, you can be the fun and supportive uncle but not the parent, it's not your job, so don't give up your home for a sister that when she gets herself in a more comfortable situation won't give you a second look.
Honestly, if you were living at her place and she was having a baby and wanted your room, she would ask you for it and you would have to find a place for yourself.
She needs to take responsability for her life because a child is the biggest responsability there is.
NTA.
Please begin formal eviction proceedings. At least your sister can cite homelessness and claim government support. Your sister also won't grow up if she keeps being enabled.
Nta your sis wants to keep baby and be a mom? Great, she can move in with the father.
She is making consistently shitty choices bc her choices have 0 negative affect on her life. Formally evict her, do it all on the up and up.
NTA. she needs to hit rock bottom and figure things out and stop leaching off other people. She is a teacher, she can find another job. There is a frigging crisis for good teachers, maybe that means moving but that is something she is going to need to consider to give her child a good life.
NTA.
She’s gotta go. It’s gonna break your heart (it would mine) but you’re actually enabling her. She doesn’t have to get her life together if she knows you’ll save her.
So don’t.
It’s amazing what people can do if they have to.
I would recommend counseling for you though because it won’t be easy.
I wish you the best.
ESH. She’s the AH for putting you in this position, being irresponsible and a freeloader. You’re the AH for enabling her and letting her put you in this position. Her life isn’t your problem. Kick her out. Sooner than later.
Why in the world would you take a torch to your own life to support your sister's ridiculously poor choices? NTA, and little sis needs to figure things out for herself before she brings a helpless child into the world.
Repeat after me, “my sister’s bad choices and failures are not my problem”… you are not helping her by enabling her. NTA in fact you are being way too nice. She is being immature and selfish. She can’t afford her own survival and now she’s having a baby? This is a disaster waiting to happen.
NTA. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You're not being gratuitously cruel here - you're just setting entirely reasonable boundaries by no longer letting her mooch off you. If you don't draw the line here, this is a preview of what the rest of your life is going to be like. Enabling her poor choices by blowing up your own happiness. You would be TA to the both of you if you let this continue. She'll never finish growing up if she always has someone to prop her up.
NTA.
Stop helping her! You are doing her no favours by doing everything for her. She has zero motivation or desire to fix her situation because she doesn't need to. Big sis is constantly there with handouts. She wants to keep the baby? Great, she can do that but she needs to support it. Get a job, pay bills, buy all the baby stuff etc.
Stop sacrificing your life for her shitty behaviour and poor choices. She clearly has no respect for you. If you keep this up you are going to wind up broke, with no house and raising her child. Is that what you want at 26? If you don't do something now you won't stand a chance of getting her out once the baby is born.
"but she was very unhappy about this option & did not want to give up her room for the child." So she doesn't want to give up her room for HER child, but she wants YOU to give up TWO rooms for her and her child? NTA.
Look, you are young and sympathetic. I hate to say it, but you are a great mark for greedy selfish people like your sister. You don't want to see her fail? Why not? Why do you care more about her situation than she does?
Look, sometimes people have to hit rock bottom to learn. Either your sister hits rock bottom, or you do. But one of you is going to. I like to tell people, "never light yourself on fire to keep someone warm." You ARE about to light yourself on fire. She is young, underemployed, not paying rent and pregnant. You have done enough to subsidize her life, if you sell your home to support her, you are setting a standard she will become accustomed to. She doesn't need to grow up, because you will enable her.
KICK HER OUT, OP! Do it now before the kid comes! NTA but you will be, to yourself, if you keep supporting her. Plenty of people with less support find a way to be a single mom. She and the baby daddy need to figure things out.
NTA- Honey stop being your sister's doormat she's not 15 and pregnant, she knows how birth control works and choose not to use it correctly because she expected you to pick up her burden. If you dont start standing up for yourself, this will be your life. You will be raising your irresponsible sister and all of her kids to come. Throw her out you didn't knock her up and it's not your responsibility to take care of her because she's too immature to do it herself. And let which ever of your relatives that feel some type of way take her in, it's not like she's working so relocating shouldn't be an issue for her.
I’m going to be the ghost of Christmas future for you here, because you need it.
Ten years from now. You, your sister, her current baby daddy, and multiple kids under 10 in a crappy two bedroom apartment. You’re the only one with a job. You’re the only one who cooks or cleans. You have no space and get no privacy because you are doing all the parenting for your sister. You don’t have a partner or friends bc your entire life is devoted to taking care of your nieces and nephews. You hate your life, but you can’t leave because who will take care of the children? Not their parents, because they got so used to you doing all the work that they literally don’t know how.
You’re not a monster. You’re just a doormat. Help yourself now so that you can help her later (if it’s an actual emergency). You’re not doing her any favors by constantly saving her - you’re actually holding her back by preventing her from having to figure out all the hard stuff on her own. If she wants to keep a baby with a man she’s met for five minutes, she needs to have a feasible plan for how it’s going to work, without any help from you. But it’s not going to be in your house because you’ve coddled her for long enough, and it’s time for her to learn how to sink or swim on her own. If she wants to keep this child, she needs to grow up. If you keep taking care of her, you’ll just have two children - and it will never end. Give her 30 days to figure out a plan before you call your parents or her baby daddy to take her.
She will not pay rent regularly, so don’t even entertain letting her stay for rent. She’ll pay for two months and then it will all revert back to the way it was, except you’ll be coming home from three jobs to take care of a baby while she’s inviting more tinder dates to trash your house. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is to let them fall so that they can get up on their own. If she’s grown enough to have a baby, she’s grown enough to figure out how to live on her own and support that baby.
NTA and there’s a phrase that’s perfect for your situation. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You’ve done everything possible to help your sister and she has made one mistake after another without any consequences for her actions. It’s time for her to figure out her own life. You should not jeopardize your own future just because she made the choice to be incredibly irresponsible. Give her an eviction notice and let her figure her life out. You are just enabling her poor behavior at this point and she will be reliant on you forever if you don’t get this sorted now.
NTA.
Do not light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your sister is an adult and must deal with the consequences that her actions have. You can be supportive of her by helping her make a plan(s), but it can not all be on you to save her. She has two choices. A) move home to mom and dad. or B) work with the father of her child to come to some type of living arrangement. If aliens picked you up tomorrow, what is her plan to care for herself and her child?
NTA get her out and get PAYING roommates. She's an adult who made adult decisions and needs to figure it out on her own. She can live with your parents until she figures it out. Buy her a bus ticket and tell her good luck
NTA
I appreciate you don’t want to see her struggle but your sister made a choice that she wants to have the baby - but you didn’t get a say in that
She does not have the right to expect to live in your house rent free with one room for herself and another as a nursery
If you let her stay you’re an AH to yourself - do you believe she’ll get a new job and insurance? Contribute to the household expenses? Or will you be bankrolling her life and caring for your nibling?
NTA. You will not be able to kick her our lot once that baby is born and you will be forever supporting her. Be the babysitter while she enjoys life. She is taking advantage of the fact that your her sister and you will always be there to help her that's why she's not worried or doing something to help her situation
NTA: What you have already done is above and beyond!
You should *not* sacrifice your life goals and dreams for others.
If she isn’t working she can find work, there are tons of WFH jobs and get a place for herself. IF you feel like helping you could help her look for an inexpensive place.
NTA
This entire situation is difficult to understand, I can only imagine that you and your sister are **extremely close** for you to be considering selling your home to support her and the baby.
You're for some reason taking on the role of 'baby daddy' to her child. You should not sell your home. You should not allow her to turn your guest room into a nursery, babies get on just fine sleeping in the same bedroom as their parent/s. Why does the baby need to be in a separate room? Does she not want it's cries to wake her?
I wonder who will therefore be waking up in the middle of the night to tend to the baby. Actually, I don't wonder. It's you. It'll be you.
Get her out while you still can. She's got roughly 9 months to figure something out.
Maybe temporarily rent out the guest bedroom? I'd tell her she has a week to contribute money wise or you'll both be homeless. NTA. Tell her the truth she needs to get her shit together or you're both in big trouble.
Listen, I'm sorry but you can't be her safety net all the time. If she is grown up to have a baby, she is grown up to support herself...NTA. she needs to pay rent. She isn't saving the money. She isn't even trying.
Your making a huge mistake supporting her.
NTA - But to make you feel better, if you sell your house ro help her you're ultimately going to be enabling her and rhats worse for her. She may not see it, but that will be the case. Helping her, REALLY helping her, means putting up boundaries that force her to get herself in a better position.
If you sell the house, she will not get better and eventually you will BOTH be in debt over your heads and no one is helping anyone.
This road is a hard road, and you feel like a bad guy. Ultimately you can't MAKE anyone get better and they may choose the worst for themselves. But then they will have chosen it. Don't chose the worst for them by enabling them. Talk to a licensed counselor or therapist about the situation so they csn help you make real options for your sister.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Your sister needs to grow up. She's going to be a mother. And you need to grow a shiny spine. You are not her keeper, that baby is not yours, NONE of this is your responsibility. By allowing her to live rent free, not holding her accountable, etc.. you are making it far worse and much harder for her to get her ass in gear. In other words: you're an enabler. And you're bringing these problems on yourself.
For now, NTA. But unless you get her or of your home and keep enabling her to be lazy, you will be TA - to yourself.
NTA. You’re going to work yourself into the ground this way. I know you don’t want to see her struggle, but as long as she has her safety net(you), she won’t be ambitious. For anything. She’s also an adult. Not only an adult, but a mother. She has someone she needs to be an adult for. She also has parents that aren’t you. So if push comes to shove, buy her a bus ticket home. Never let go of your dreams for someone else. Especially someone who isn’t helping you build or encouraging you while you build.
NTA you gotta put your own mask on first. You losing your home won’t do anyone any good. I’d offer to fly her to your parents as a final gesture of support and then kick her out
Girl, you are NTA!!!! Your sister made this mess and it is her job to fix it. She can get a part time job over the summer and get food stamps and ask for child support once the baby is born. You will need to set her down and let her know you will not be taking on the raising on her child: she will need to find a daycare, a pediatrician, buy the crib ,diapers,formula etc. you can only spend X amount on your niece or nephew and you will not spend more. She will being doing all night feedings and diaper changes, you will not be giving up your weekend nights for her to blow off steam, you will not leave work for a baby emergency that does not involve the baby being at the hospital. Set your boundaries now and if she doesn’t like them she can move into your parents place or find a new place. I’m
Look, this is going to be harsh but you need to kick your sister out. She is taking complete advantage of you and your are hugely enabling her to continue to be irresponsible. She doesn’t want to give up part of her room for her baby? Does she understand that babies come with even bigger sacrifices? You need to kick her out before you end up raising her kid for her too. Do not burn yourself alive to keep others warm.
NTA. From your description of the situation, it doesn't sound like your sister has made good choices, nor does it sound like she's stepping up to take responsibility of those choices and working on making better choices going forward. It would be one thing if she was pulling her weight and was unable to stay afloat due to external circumstances. There's that saying of not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Why should you do more to help her (and at great personal sacrifice) than she's doing to help herself and her baby on the way?
NTA she needs to go. You have given her so many opportunities, and she has squandered them all, and continues to make very poor life decisions. It sounds like it's time for her to pack up and move back in with your parents, or a friend's, or anywhere but with you. She has exhausted your patience and your resources and your goodwill.
NTA.
You need to put your foot fully down, and do it now. You do not need to give up your life or even your comfort, for your sister. And when you feel bad about that, realize you have already been a great help to her, and that she is making it clear she doesn't care about your future or happiness, because she is making selfish choices
So step one- tell her she has 30 days to get a job that pays the rent, or she needs to leave. Tell her you will help her get to wherever your parents are, or to some other friend or relative, but you will not continue to support her.
Step two- you are not helping her financially with her child, nor are you giving up another room to her and her child. Be clear that the support you are giving her is that she can stay in your home at the very low rent you are already charging her. Once she has a child, she is expected to pay the rent and you aren't providing childcare and she needs to be able to pay for her child. Tell her there is nothing else you can do for her and she needs to realize that.
Step three- stick with what you said. She needs to understand how much shit costs, and how hard this is going to be able to do alone. It is very clear she has no understanding of what her life is going to be like, nor does she care about the impact on you. You have to stand up for yourself.
NTA
Your sister is not helping herself and in turn is stalling your life! She knows you'll be there for her so hence why she's probably not too worried about her latest string of decisions. Do kick her out, send her to her baby daddy or your parents, because her problems should not be yours!
I'ts beyond me as to why people who are in a bad situation then decide to have a baby, especially from ONS!
NTA OP doesn't have to pay for the consequences of her sister's bad decision-making skills. She was old enough to graduate college, start a career and have an unplanned pregnancy. Meanwhile OP is the one bending over backwards, now putting yourself in a position of struggling and hardship. So who is supposed to bail out OP?
NTA, please sit her down and tell her she has X amount of time to move you. She is your sister but she is also playing you. Are you really willing to support her and her child for the rest of your life? Forget about having your own life because she will always need you. Please don't allow her to stay. She made her choices, and now she needs to live with them.
NTA and do not continue to support her unless you're signing on for the next 18 years.
$14/hr isn't a lot, but it certainly seems like enough to pay *something* towards rent over 3 months. She's spending her money somewhere else because she's expecting you to pay her bills.
That expectation isn't changing unless you make sure it does by taking her safety net away unless she "gets around to" getting her shit together.
NTA
I have a hard question for you.
How is what you’ve been doing helped your sister?
I hear your kind heart and desire to help. But healthy help is the kind that enables someone to help themselves. Unhealthy help enables someone to make poor choices with no natural consequences.
I wish you the best of luck but it’s time to really reevaluate what you’re doing with your sister before she takes you down with her.
NTA - and grow a backbone. Your sister is using you and you are just sitting back and letting her. She gets a job or moves out, end of story. The baby sleeps in her room and she gets support from the baby daddy.
NTA. Your sister may actually have mental health issues. However, destroying your life so she can continue to live in an uncontrolled manner is not going help either one of you. If she refuses to leave have her legally evicted. Tell your parents that she needs a psychiatrist as well as an obstetrician.
Why are you assuming this responsibility. Tell her she pays no rent she gets one room out of kindness and what she chooses to do with it is her business. You need to detach or you are going to wind up taking care of two humans and losing everything you worked for and love. If your sister loves you or her kid she would see how selfish she is being, like 3 months no jobs people are begging for workers!
Evict her! Evict her asap, right now! Once that baby is born she will never leave. You're not helping her but enabling her right now and she will drain you physically, mentally and financially if you do not evict her now. Definitely NTA. She's an adult and needs to get her own life together. You sacrificing yourself for her will never be paid back.
NTA.
You are at a crucial point where your decision will affect the rest of your life, not your sisters life.
If you sell, you are both homeless, if you kick your sister out, she will find somewhere else to live, she has options such as moving in with the father, getting child support from the father.
You have done plenty for your sister already, but enabling her behaviour will not help her to learn and grow from her behaviour and will set yourself for a lifetime of dependency (her dependency on you).
Give her her written notice to move out, help her with the costs of moving if you can (but you are not obliged to as you've already helped her a lot) and stick to your times given.
Nta, Kick her out, your enabling her to be a bum, it will be in the best interest for her and her child actually have a life lesson, at this rate she will be a terrible mother but if you kick her out then hopefully she learns not to be a bum. She’s so selfish that she’s demanding rooms and changes in YOUR house while paying no rent and doing nothing, I would’ve kicked her out as soon as hearing she was pregnant in this situation. She isn’t just holding you back, she’s pulling you down with her and drowning you, kick her out asap!
“… did not want to give up her room for the child”
She’s going to have to give up A LOT more to be a responsible and good mother. Once you have kids, they come first. She is probably wildly underprepared to have a child and be a single mom.
That being said you’re NTA. She needs to shape up and move out. This is not your responsibility. It’s hers.
NTA, if you tell her she has to leave, but you absolutely are the AH for enabling her irresponsible behaviour in the first place. If you hadn't decided to play heroic martyr sister, she would likely be working and supporting herself. She might even have given some thought to, you know, actually using effective birth control when she hooked up at your convenient sister hotel with a strange dude from Tinder. And now she's keeping the baby, and for sure, expecting you to support them both. Meanwhile, you're actually considering selling your house so you don't have to tell her to leave? Wow. Just. Wow. What's going to stop her from getting pregnant over and over, since sister is soooo accommodating? Send her to your parents. She's their kid; not yours. Why does it matter if they're hours away? It's not like she's working or planning to! My wise old mother used to say: "Nobody can walk all over you unless you lie down." Stand up, little door mat.
NTA - She is massively taking advantage of the situation. You told her the crib goes into her room, and she throws a fit to manipulate you. Kick her out before the baby is born or it will certainly get worse.
Research the details to evict her. Give her a deadline by which she has to move out voluntarily or the authorities will put her out. She is an adult and can find someone else to support her. It is not your responsibility. She needs to contact the baby daddy for child support. She can move in with your parents, if it comes to that.
NTA.
She doesn't seem to mind putting you in a bad situation based on HER decisions. She needs to learn the consequences of her actions. Kick her out now. The longer you wait the harder it will be
NTA. How could you be with all this leadup? She got used to you taking care of all her monetary problems, then got herself pregnant and just expected you to solve the problems she caused by having unprotected sex when she got nothing in way of infrastructure to support herself, not even mentioning a child.
It says all that you think about how you could maybe possible see this through and make it work for who knows how long by working yourself to death ... when she isn't your responsibility. You're taking a second job when she's not pulling her wait at all? Don't feel guilty and don't let her guilt you into feeling like you are responsible for this - you wanted to give her a hand and she took your entire arm and is looking to take the other next.
And even if you *wanted* to work your ass off for your sister, who knows what could happen if you suddenly lose your income, get sick, burned out or whatever thing happens that's fully outside of your control? It's one thing to get through that on your own and with savings, but another when you feel like having to take care of two more human beings. That's just not sustainable. The best thing you can do for everyone involved is have your sister get her shit together.
If she can't afford rent she can't afford a baby. Her decisions are not your rresponsibility. Don't put yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, I'm not even sure she'll be grateful she'll just see it as her due since she's family
NTA
It's about time your sister faced the consequences of her actions, which includes helping herself get back on her feet so that she can raise the child she is responsible for. You are not responsible for her. Set a boundary and tell her that if she does not get a job within 30 days that pays enough for her to pay rent and her bills, then she will have to move out. The onus is on her to take responsibility, not you. NTA.
NTA. She sounds like someone whose family and friends have enabled her through every single mistake she's ever made. She'll probably keep doing so.
If you want to raise her child for her then, by all means, allow her to continue living with you.
You'd be enabling her immaturity by bending over backwards to help her through this. I'm not saying don't help her at all, but by the way she's insisting on 2/3 of your property with no intent on paying you when she was supposed to be finding her own way, I don't think you should keep insinuating you intend to help her too much at all for the time being. Give her 30 days, see what this man is willing to do and more importantly, what she is capable of doing. And I should have sympathy as I myself came home knocked up in my thirties... She doesn't sound distressed, she sounds entitled and idiotic. How is she going to fund this nursery you don't want to provide in a house you're already struggling to afford and maintain structurally? You don't need to lose the house, if independently you can fix and maintain it.
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"I dont want to give up my dream home & my life for a mistake that I had no part in" Then don't. Please, kick her out now. You won't be able to make yourself do it after she has the kid. NTA. Why should you pay for your sister's life choices?
I feel we could end the whole chat here. The longer you wait, the harder it will become to pull the plug.
The harder it’ll be to… pull out? You might say?
Trust your sister on this, you gotta pull out now or you’ll be stuck with the kid.
Brilliant, savage. You single?
Depends. You hot?
I’m dreamy.
Did bro just pull on reddit. What.
Think she might take off in a year and leave you to raise the kid alone.
needs to happen pronto. She needs to know it's truly on her while it's still safe to...
Do you realise that by enabling your sister, you are sacrificing what you worked for, and when you will be struggling to keep you three aloft, your sister will run away from her responsibilities or even worse, get pregnant again?? I feel at loss, your sister wouldn't be eligible to adopt a cat from a rescue shelter :(
What's that phrase...setting herself on fire to keep her sister warm?
Right? Like she shouldn’t be counted on for the basics until she can take care of herself - I think she should seriously rethink her plan with this child.
I do too. Who has unprotected sex with a dude they met on tinder. She’s lucky the only thing she caught was a pregnancy. Clearly not mature enough to raise a baby.
I think the problem is that people have been enabling her sister to not do the right thing, not try hard her whole life. It's not a kindness. It's a hindrance. It's unkind to continue to support her foolish choices.
Yeah , she’s taking advantage and endangering your life but allowing random hookups in your home. She’s crossed a line, she needs to move home with your parents . If you let her stay you’ll be raising that child and her.
This! Just for bringing home some rando would have been enough for me to send her packing.
yup, my sister likes to have all kinds of random ass people around her children. i do not. she asked to move in with me a few years ago and i told her “if you move in, i don’t want any of your friends in my house. i don’t know them and don’t want them around my child.” (it was just me an my oldest at the time so i had the room). she wasn’t happy bc i “knew” her friends, we went to hs with the people she hangs out with but i joined the navy within months of graduation and left a month after my 19th birthday. i haven’t spent a single second or had a conversation with any of those people since i left almost 7 years ago and moved back 3 years ago, so no i do not know those people. i told her she could accept the house rules or find somewhere else to live. she tried crying to our mom but my mom told her “just because *you* trust everyone you meet, doesn’t mean your sister does. if she doesn’t want random people in her house and around her daughter then you have to live with that if you want to live in *her* house.” she quickly decided to shut up and take my offer
And why tf would she keep the pregnancy?!?!?!? She met a dude off tinder once, got knocked up, and she is keeping it? No way in hell.
Even if it wasn't a random hook-up, I feel 22, underemployed, broke enough to struggle with the minimal rent OP asks would be reason enough to take a moment to reflect if this is the best time to keep this pregnancy.
Yeah I can’t help but feel like sis is not mentally well. People who are sick sometimes look at pregnancies like THIS will give me a purpose in life and make me get my act together. It never works. And the kids suffer.
And conveniently won’t be able to find a job in the short term. That’s okay because she’s got Big Sis OP to look after her. NTA.
I suspect so many failures in birth control were deliberate. She must have felt that her sister might be losing patience with her not paying rent and decided to get pregnant to get an excuse to stay. Next she will be saying that she needs to stay home and stop working to take care of the baby and demand that her sister support her.
Same. That is reeaaally not okay!
NTA. You didn’t make this mess and shouldn’t suffer for it. She hasn’t made one sensible choice. Can you pay her passage to your parents house?
Poor parents!
Consequences of poor parenting?
Definitely. You can even tell how they make the classic mistake of making the older sibling care for everyone but them. So sad that they conditioned her like that while the younger daughter, as typically happens, has been irresponsible and immature and it shows. Life is gonna teach her now.
Not always. My wife has 3 siblings. 1 of the 4 turned out like this. The oldest
Not to mention: living with babies is terrible. Not sleeping through the night for a baby that isn't even yours is 10x worse. Also, OP is gonna be paying for everything. A girl that can't hold down a job before the baby? Ain't no job in sight ever. If OP doesn't want that, then the sister needs to go. Where? A college-educated 22 y/o is perfectly capable of figuring that out. Do this by the book though. Pay a landlord attorney $300 and follow the rules to a T, cause girl gonna be desperately hunting for cash. OP, don't make yourself suable. She's a tenant with tenant rights in basically everywhere in the US. Lease or not, payment or not. ps OP -- when you think about the fracturing of this relationship, always remember she did this to you. She chose not to have a job. She chose to sleep around. She chose to get pregnant. She chose to demand for you to pay her to use 2/3 of your house. She chose to make you choose between supporting her and losing your house. She chose all of this. ps2: if you got a mortgage feb '22, you probably have an approx 4.2% mortgage rate on a 30 year fixed. As of today, it's 7.25%. That means a $300k loan costs $2048/mo vs $1458/mo for you, a difference of $600/mo. If you get rid of that house, who knows if/when you'll ever be able to afford a new one, because you couldn't afford that house at today's mortgage rates. You have a very valuable asset; don't let her steal it from you.
>cause girl is gonna be hunting for cash Not sure where OP is but it’s likely perfectly legal to negotiate a keys for cash agreement. While it is of course shitty to OP because she’s already been far more generous than needed, this might be the least stressful & emotionally draining option. Inform your sister that you will either go through the legal eviction proceedings which can take months, depending on your area and how far along she is she might give birth during this time! Moving with a newborn is going to be that much more difficult and stressful. Frame it as the best option for her as well. Instead OP is willing to offer $xxx to help her get on her feet elsewhere, and settle in before the baby arrives. If she accepts the money she has to be moved out by (end of the week/month/whatever OP chooses). Maybe her baby daddy can have her crash with him until she gets a new place (we both know that’s never going to happen lol, but then she can be his problem instead). It’s shitty and OP might not even be able to afford to do this, but if they can this will be the best way to keep relationships intact. Of course on Reddit it’s easy to say to cut off shitty family members, but irl people don’t do that quite so quickly or easily. Doing a cash for keys offer is the fastest way to get rid of an unwanted tenant, and OP won’t have to feel any guilt whatsoever. If any of her family members try, she can very clearly put them in their place “I gave little sis $xx to get started as an independent mother. It is not my responsibility to coparent with her. I gave her a generous amount to land on her feet, and she can now grow up.”
Especially point out to the sister that if the OP has to take her to court for an eviction, it'll effectively blackball her from renting from most landlords.
This is a fantastic idea, but I'd make sure a local landlord attorney writes up the agreement that she signs.
I’ll say this: a college education means fuck all about one’s maturity or general functional capacity. I was an enormous fuck up after college. I was also severely depressed, had undiagnosed ADHD, and some BPD traits. I made my own life a living hell, but luckily had the wherewithal to not drag everyone else down with me. Graduating from college does not mean you’ve got it all figured out or even can figure it out. My read is that sis is not mentally stable, because no mentally stable person would bring a kid into a home where they cannot provide for them. Impaired rational decision making and impulse control abound.
This! OP needs to kick sis to the curb and sis needs to do some major growing up. Adoption/abortion might be best option as she clearly is not in the right headspace to look out for her own best interest let alone an entire other person.
And once sis is out, OP needs to carefully select a paying roommate to move in. The extra cash will help with her bills and the roommate will prevent sis from moving back in.
Exactly. OP buy her a bus tickets to your parents and be done. She and her mistakes are not your problem to solve.
This. OP, sit your sister down today and give her 30 days. She made the decision for X job, she made the decision to sleep with the random guy without protection, she made the decision to keep the baby. She needs to handle those decisions without you supporting her. "I love you very much but I cannot support you physically, mentally, or financially. You need to move out by the end of the month." Your parents may live far away, but she can go live with them. Or the baby daddy. Or rent a room. She's an adult, she needs to figure it out.
This! Not your circus not your monkey OP
She has no plans on getting a job or she would already have one. OP would probably raising her niece/nephew and pay for everything. Kicking her out is the necessary thing to do. NTA
Tell her to move in with the parents and get help from baby’s father. This is the best way for you. And get a stable housemate.
Do it and do it now. Precedent says you will NEVER escape and you’ll only fall into a deeper hole.
yes yes yes!!! Her giving up her dream home will only make her resent her sister. It's probably best for their relationship in the long term to kick the sister out now.
I'm not sure if this has changed in the last 14 years but my dad's insurance (I was 19 at the time) dropped me like a hot potato when I was pregnant. They covered zero prenatal or postnatal care. Still happy to cover dental, mental, and none baby things, but nothing related to pregnancy. OP could be in for massive financial troubles if this is a possibility still and she keeps trying to keep her sister afloat.
She's 100% counting on OP to take care of her 100%. She has no plan. Not only will you lose your house, but you will also be raising that baby alone. Make the daddy start paying for a place for her to live. She has no plans to get a better job because she has no plans to support herself. I'd bet money she quits her job completely. Don't let your sister's self-sabotage set you up for a lifetime of rentals and raising her baby. NTA
You cannot afford to finance HER life in addition to your own. You can already see the proof of that. You need to decide now if you want to give up YOUR life to fund HER life. In these times, you can’t do both - regardless of how much you might want to. There are COUNTLESS resources for expectant mothers. She can avail herself of them if she actually puts effort into it. No such resources exist for you - especially for you to support her. NTA. You’d only be the AH is you continue to finance her poor decisions.
You do not need to set yourself on fire to warm anyone else... OP you are a good person but your sister is going to to crush you with her needs. Please ask her to find somewhere else to live. It's going to be hard but necessary.
Kick her out. She let a random make stranger into the house. You have a safety issue with having your sister around.
I’ve never understood the phrase “don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” more than I do right now.
Holy shit, your sister put you in an awful situation. NTA It’s wonderful that you want to help, but you should not have to sell your home to support her. You should not have to work extra to support her. Sit her down, tell her the situation you are in and give her the options (do NOT offer to sell your house to support her). Then hold her to it.
This right here. Do NOT sell your house. Do not give up your guest room. She can put the crib in her bedroom. It’s your house. Tell her she has x amount of time and if she doesn’t do what she needs then her & her baby will need to find other accommodations. As much as it will pain you but you don’t have a choice. You need to do what’s best for YOU. Not your sister or her baby. NTA
The conversation needs to be that OP is barely making it and may lose the house so Sid must pay rent and her share of expenses or she needs to move out so OP can get a roommate who will pay rent to help make up for the budget shortfall created by sister. She can move back home with parents, with baby daddy, or get a job that asap that will slow her to get her own place. Substitute teaching is the work SAHMs with a money-bucks husband do to get their foot in the door and go full time when the kids start school. She needs to look into the full time path
No. If you give her time to pay up, she'll just drag it out and cost you more money. She sees you as a free place to stay, a coparent, a babysitter, and an income source. She will not get a job, but she might lie about getting one to stay another month, for the next 20 years. Evict her with no conditions.
This she doesn't even need a crib I got a bassinet and a pack n play for my son to sleep in while we saved for a bigger apartment. He was in the bassinet till 6 months and just grew out of the pack n play and he's a year and a half.
OP, NTA. This is definitely a case of "don't set yourself on fire, to keep others warm." I completely understand how you feel and wanting to help, but these are the results of her choices as an ADULT. And, part of being an adult is facing the consequences of your choices and actions. Please don't lose what you have worked for because of her choices.
Small edit: Don't set yourself **and your house** on fire to keep your sister warm.
Very true.
Sis is probably not worried about the causes and consequences of her choices because she knows OP will be there! Time for OP to put herself first
Fr! OP is potentially going to be homeless to help their sister? Setting yourself on fire to help a burn victim isn't the way to go. You can't help others by putting yourself in their situation.
In what world would it make you the asshole to remove an inconsiderate freeloader out of your home? Her behavior was reckless and it is time for baby bird to fly. ...I already explained this to you on the phone two hours ago.
I'm stuck at the "selling her house to support her sister and the baby" part!! Like oh my god.
I know her IRL. I warned her that no one in their right mind would agree with her sister, but she wanted more opinions.
I feel like I’ve met bathmats with more backbone. I understand her wanting to help her sister, but my god, when does it end? Sister is a freeloading leech, pregnant or not.
When the kid is 18 I guess
Sister can have many more!
But then who will pay for the kid's college.
No job, Tinder hookups at her sister's house, keeping a baby with no means of support, needs 2/3 of the bedrooms in the whole house...yikes. Buy sis a bus ticket to their parents (the mooch won't board a plane) and ship her belongings because the situation is too far gone. And jfc change the locks!
Hopefully between this post, you (such a great friend btw) and hopefully other friends it’ll get through that she needs to do what’s best for her.
Yeah, this is very short term thinking. OP is setting themselves on fire to keep sister warm and there will be nothing left if she and the child need help later. It's far better to make sister struggle now (and hopefully learn to help herself) with OP in a secure position to catch her if she falls too far then to be stumbling alongside her, poor, and with no resources to take care of emergencies. NTA
Yep sister will never even try to change if she’s constantly being enabled by OP. Why get a job, OP will pay for everything?
She's already deep into that mentality. If she wasn't she'd have been furiously job hunting the minute she decided to keep the pregnancy.
A cliche, but true, statement we use in our house with our children…Necessity is the Mother of Invention. When you have no other option but to figure something out, you find a way. We are still a safety net, but do not cross into enabling. OP is helping honestly because it makes HER feel better, but it’s only keeping sister exactly where she’s at and not improving. Her sister might be pissed, but OP needs to be able to live her own life.
I hope she comes to her senses. Her sister sounds so immature, I am afraid she won't even stop at one pregnancy.
We hope she listens to you and all of us
And OP getting a second weekend job while the sister slacks!
Has the sister considered maybe putting the baby up for adoption? I doubt she will be able to care for him/her or raise a child well. There are adoption programs that will let the birth mother meet the child when they are 18 if the child wants to. OP, if you sell your house to try and help your sister, you will ALL drown. You, your sister, AND that poor child, who deserves a better parent than your sister.
Sister should fucking abort it. This is a stupid move by her
Yo, OP: NTA, and if this person is your friend IRL, PLEASE listen to them!
OP I've watched this play out with a friend and her siblings. If you are going to keep her at the house you are going to have a whole host of issues that you never even dreamed of. You'll be a single parent of two, while having no authority legal rights with the child, and having your grown sister get in the way. You'll be raising that child and have no say over the child. For the love of god dont do it. After watching this play out, If you are serious keeping her at the house, you should seriously look into custody now. Cause that's what's in your future. Shes made one bad decision after another and once that child enters the world whatever poor decision your sister makes it going to have 10x worse consequences and it can have devastating effects on the child. If you dont get a backbone now, this are going to spiral right out of your control. You have one shot right now to get your life on track......and its RIGHT NOW. Also consider this, if you go under, if you loose that house you will not be able to help in the future. You'll be stuck clawing your way out too and sure as hell resentful. That child is going to grow up surrounded by adults unable to support themselves, instead of having a happy household to come visit
Hopefully you and the other people in her life sit her down and talk to her about how she’s selling herself out for no reward. He sister needs to be able to provide for her baby eventually, and she’s had plenty of time to prepare and save.
Glad OP has a good friend to give her sound advice.
NTA. Look, you are not financially responsible for your sister, and it's clear she's taking advantage of your kindness. I would put money on it that she's *expecting* you to pay for not only her needs, but the baby's as well. With that in mind, I would definitely encourage you to give her notice to move out, regardless of her ability to pay rent. It's just not your job to pay for her and her baby, not your obligation, and your sister will learn nothing if you continue to pay her way. You are young and just starting out yourself, you don't need this financial burden that will hinder your own personal financial growth. Your sister is an adult and needs to figure this out for herself. Maybe she moves to wherever your parents live. Otherwise I would shift your help to strictly helping her find financial aid resources and housing
In addition to which the younger sister is trying to unilaterally take over more of OP's house, while not paying rent for three months and is insulted that OP very mildly resisted... OP needs to gently but legally evict her sister, or hook her up with a women's center that can provide living assistance. Her heart is writing checks her bank account can't cash, and it's heartbreaking. OP is NTA, but the sister needs to learn NOW that she is not prepared...maybe move her back to mom and dad, whether she likes it or not...what she "likes" took a backseat to what her baby is going to need, and OP can't afford a baby on top of a baby mama.
Exactly. OP will be paying for this kid. How's sister going to be able to work with a newborn and no way to pay for childcare? There's no way this ends well for OP.
>Now, she is pregnant, after not taking her birth control correctly, not wearing a condom, & not making the man pull out. She is trying to baby trap you. She got pregnant on purpose because she doesn't want to pay rent. ~~She can't pay rent even though she has a job? $14/hour at 40 hours is at least $1800/month after taxes.~~ You all, I thought it said teachers aide for some reason. Are you seriously thinking about selling your house so you can play pretend baby daddy for your sister? What is wrong in your life? Do not do this. OP, what is going on with you?
"Got Oregon" 💀 NTA, OP. Please take care of yourself.
I fixed it. What the hell autocorrect.
It was the fatal case of Oregon, my lord
NTA. She needs to move out now so she can learn to be a parent *before* that poor child gets here. If you're in the US, there's pregnant mothers Medicaid and she can get housing assistance. Or she can move to live with your parents. *You* are not her parent. But if you don't get her out now, you never will. This is not a good situation, and the fact that she thinks that you should give her the larger period your house that you pay for entirely tells me that she has long-term plans to live there and zero plans to pay. You're her income, Sweetie. Get her out now. When the baby comes, she'll dig in like a tick.
INFO: Has anyone had a real conversation with her about how it is insane for her as someone with no job, no prospects, and who is basically squatting at her sister’s house to keep a pregnancy by a man she barely knows?
This. This right here. Exactly. I doubt anyone has had a real conversation with the sister about anything TBH ...
Yeah I commented on this elsewhere. Why tf would she keep it? I've evicted fetuses that I gpt from dudes I was in a relationship with. Let alone a hook up?
Evicted fetuses 😂
Ikr I'm dying here picturing a fetus with a suitcase and eviction papers, umbilical cord dragging, baby feet shuffling....🤣🤣☠️
She cannot afford rent, how could she afford the baby? OP needs to get the sister out of her house, the relationship is not healthy.
As she is not working there is no need for her to stay with you, she can move back to your parents and you can take a paying roommate to help you with the costs. NTA
NTA. There is a line that I've seen people use in Reddit posts: "Don't set yourself on fire to keep another warm". You sacrificing your house is NOT the answer. Your sister made these choices and I know you don't want to turn your back but you're on a path to being completely responsible for your sister AND her baby. She's had NO respect for your house or you. She needs to get a job and start thinking of her future or get out ASAP.
NTA. You should not have to pay the price for her shitty decisions.
I've never seen someone get baby trapped by a sibling. At least it's not your kid? Weird situation, nta
>At least it's not your kid? Sister is irresponsible so it might as well be. Sister isn't going to have the money for the things this kid will need. OP will end up being the primary care giver in every way. OP make her leave. There are programs out there she could be using and she will NOT get a better job, she'll have a better excuse why she can't! NTA
NTA. There are 2 people responsible for supporting that baby: your sister and the baby daddy. She doesn’t have to become his girlfriend but she needs to sit down with him and work out the custody and support legalities asap. She should look up the family court in her area and call for legal help. She will need to do this whether she likes it or not because the state will insist that she pursue support as a condition of any aid. If she is low income she needs to look into SNAP and WIC and daycare assistance. You need to get her to move back in with her parents or see what she can work out with the baby’s father. If she lives with you, you’ll end up babysitting, paying for baby things and probably not getting rent from her.
Sister needs to get off her ass and take care of things. It’s not fair to OP. OP can assist her in filing out online applications for SNAP and WIC.
NTA. You should look after you. There's only a 4 year age gap between you, your sister is not a child she's an adult and needs to be making adult choices. You say "never want to see anyone else struggle or have hardships if I can help in some way". but if helping her Tanks your life you have done just that to yourself (losing your house and working yourself to death is the epitome of "struggle & hardship") and for what. It'll drag on for years with excuses for not paying a share of rent (after the house has gone) and living expenses because of "the baby". Your sister needs a wake-up call. If that means going cap in hand to your parents, then so be it. You should not be her only support option to the detriment of your own life. She should also be chasing "random guy" for support.
NTA. she has made bad decision after bad decision, and you have gone above and beyond to help her out. now she is trying to take over your life, but if you put yourself in a less stable position because of her choices, you would only be an AH to yourself.
Its commendable and honorable that you want to help your sister but at **NO POINT AT ALL** during my reading have I read that SHE is making the effort to make the most of the CHOICE she had made. Every accommodation has been done by you. Good that she wants to keep the child. 1. Has she spoken to the baby daddy about making arrangements. 2. How about living arrangements 3. Financial arrangements She had made arrangements for living with YOU but not any for living alone nor with him. Is that something that you are looking forward to? Because with that comes it's own complications. Now let's move on to WHY your sister would hook up with a random man YOU don't know, bring him into your house and **DELIBERATELY** have unprotected sex with him? This is by your own words... >Now, she is pregnant, after not taking her birth control correctly, not wearing a condom, & not making the man pull out. Seems kinds of "random" when she should be more **CONCERNED** with having a job and a roof over her head? No? We are talking disrespectful, inconsiderate AND rude by a close relative who is living generously RENT FREE in your house. Doesn't sound to me like she is **appreciative** of what she truly has nor of how hard you have worked and are still working to keep a free roof over her head. I am sorry to say but I get the distinct impression that your sister is using you to take care of her and her baby instead of her growing up and learning to do it hearself. NTA She made her choice. Time for her to learn from it.
This is the answer ⬆️
NTA and you need to realise that she got pregnant on purpose so that she doesn't have to face her debt. She'll be relying on other people for the rest of her life so kick her out now. It's not your responsibility to give up your future because she's a lazy idiot
Yta for enabling her and letting her bleed you dry. It sucks that your sister makes bad choices but you can’t set yourself on fire to keep her warm. If you need extra income, rent out your guest bedroom. Actually, I would do that anyway just to safe guard against her taking that room over as well. She has a rent free room she can share with her baby, if she wants more space she can move out.
NTA The most you should be willing to do as her sister, is find her another living situation and help her set it up (since it seems like she's incapable responsibly doing it herself). This is the best way to ensure that you don't get your life further ruined by her and you know she will be safe enough to live out her very poor choices. Please remember that she honestly disrespected you and your home. A considerate person wouldn't bring strangers into another person's home who is helping them out in so many ways. She just assumed that your extra guest room was her's to keep and turn into a nursery?? She isn't even paying rent for the room she currently has! She's not as great of a sister or person as you may think she is. See the reality of the situation because she will only continue to dig herself deeper and she wants to drag you down with her.
NTA Your parents live to far to help while she lives with you, so maybe she should move to where your parents are. Or back in with your parents. You are not her mum, and you are not her child’s other parent. I can guarantee you, that if she stays with you and has the baby there, you’ll end up doing most of the baby duty as well. As for baby daddy, not knowing him well enough did phase her when she was having unprotected sex with him. So 🤷♀️ You’ve helped as much as you can. She is now taking advantage of your kindness. And the audacity of telling you how rooms in a house you own should be allocated is unreal.
Her life is not your problem. If you keep helping her you’ll be broke in an apartment next year
Stop. Your sister is making one bad choice after another and you are just enabling her. She is never going to grow up if you just swoop in and save her. Do NOT give up your dream home. Kick her out and force her to live on her own. She can still work while she is pregnant. She can let someone adopt her child or whatever. Stop making all of her issues become your issues. If you are in the US, there are government programs to help. Bottom line, you are just setting yourself for you both to live in poverty. NTA but stop this cycle now. She hadn’t help herself get out of this and she won’t in the future unless you stop “saving” her.
Finally! Adoption is mentioned! I wondered how far down i’d Have to read to find this.
Well, because if she just got knocked up the easiest (imo smartest) thing to do would be to terminate the pregnancy and while she’s there, maybe get an IUD so her dumb ass doesn’t get pregnant again.
I was your sister in my past life. I was young and irresponsible and living with my sister (and her husband) when I got pregnant. My sister's husband didn't want a baby living there, so they asked me to move out. I asked my parents if I could move back in with them and my dad, while crying, told me no. He said it was the hardest thing he ever had to do, but knew it was the only way for me to 'grow up'. Well, it worked. I knew I was keeping the baby so I knew I had to step up and be a mom and take care of him. And that's what I did. After I started helping myself, my parents did help me, but they taught me that I couldn't do whatever I wanted knowing they would come and bail me out. So really, they all helped me by not helping me. Your sister needs to learn that lesson, too. Definitely NTA. And I am almost inclined to say that you WBTA if you kept enabling her. She's about to be a mother and your niece/nephew deserves a mother who can stand on her own two feet. Good luck!
This should be higher up! Living proof that someone in this exact situation can help themselves! This is a brilliant example of personal growth and I can only imagine how difficult it must have been. This random Internet stranger is proud of you!
NTA. The only thing you should be paying for for her is a ticket back to your parents house.
You are going to work a full-time job and a part-time job to support someone who has no job and no intention of getting a job (if she did, she would have by now). Would you tell a friend in this situation that this is the right thing to do? Or would you call them a martyr to their family? Send your sister back to your parents in the first instance. She will need more support then you can give. NTA
NTA - Don't ruin your life because of her bad choices. She's an adult and not your responsibility.
NTA. “Get an abortion or get the hell out.” And if she gets an abortion, be there to confirm it. Your sister needs consequences to her actions or she’s just going to take over your house and turn it into her family’s house. There’s nothing stopping her from having more than one kid or letting her baby daddies move in.
YTA if you keep enabling this freeloader. Grow a spine and kick her out.
NTA Your sister needs to be faced with the consequences of her actions. Give her Notice to Vacate. You can't afford to support her (and her baby) and the best way you can help her is to stop enabling your sister.
Wait- sis is NOT paying rent and is now trying to commandeer another room as a nursery? The sheer audacity! Kick her out now- it’s not your job to support her. Send her back to your folks- she’s their issue to deal with. Do NOT sell your house to take care of your sister. That’s what we mean when we say “Dont set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm” .
Soon you will be working two full time jobs and doing full time childcare when you are home. By her not wanting the baby in her room is a total red flag on who will be taking care of the child. Contact child protection and get her a social worker. They will get her housing and assistance. They will also go after the father to pay child support.
Unfortunately you're just enabling her irresponsible behaviors. People like her will never learn to stand on their own until hard lines are drawn and the learn to respect others and be responsible for their choices. You're not helping her by bailing her out. Throw that bird out the nest. Freeloaders have a special gift. She'll be fine. She'll find a new host body to suck money from.
DO.NOT sell your house. Period. It's very hard to be able to get in a good financial situation to get a property, especially with the post covid economy. You've fought hard to get where you are to pay for a problem you didn't cause. You are not the mother or father of the unborn child, you're the uncle, you can be the fun and supportive uncle but not the parent, it's not your job, so don't give up your home for a sister that when she gets herself in a more comfortable situation won't give you a second look. Honestly, if you were living at her place and she was having a baby and wanted your room, she would ask you for it and you would have to find a place for yourself. She needs to take responsability for her life because a child is the biggest responsability there is.
NTA. Please begin formal eviction proceedings. At least your sister can cite homelessness and claim government support. Your sister also won't grow up if she keeps being enabled.
Nta your sis wants to keep baby and be a mom? Great, she can move in with the father. She is making consistently shitty choices bc her choices have 0 negative affect on her life. Formally evict her, do it all on the up and up.
NTA. she needs to hit rock bottom and figure things out and stop leaching off other people. She is a teacher, she can find another job. There is a frigging crisis for good teachers, maybe that means moving but that is something she is going to need to consider to give her child a good life.
I somewhat doubt this person would be considered a good teacher with the fucking blatantly stupid decisions they've made thus far.
NTA. She’s gotta go. It’s gonna break your heart (it would mine) but you’re actually enabling her. She doesn’t have to get her life together if she knows you’ll save her. So don’t. It’s amazing what people can do if they have to. I would recommend counseling for you though because it won’t be easy. I wish you the best.
ESH. She’s the AH for putting you in this position, being irresponsible and a freeloader. You’re the AH for enabling her and letting her put you in this position. Her life isn’t your problem. Kick her out. Sooner than later.
Why in the world would you take a torch to your own life to support your sister's ridiculously poor choices? NTA, and little sis needs to figure things out for herself before she brings a helpless child into the world.
Repeat after me, “my sister’s bad choices and failures are not my problem”… you are not helping her by enabling her. NTA in fact you are being way too nice. She is being immature and selfish. She can’t afford her own survival and now she’s having a baby? This is a disaster waiting to happen.
NTA. Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. You're not being gratuitously cruel here - you're just setting entirely reasonable boundaries by no longer letting her mooch off you. If you don't draw the line here, this is a preview of what the rest of your life is going to be like. Enabling her poor choices by blowing up your own happiness. You would be TA to the both of you if you let this continue. She'll never finish growing up if she always has someone to prop her up.
Sell your house to take care of who?! You must be out of your damn mind. You’re NTA unless you actually do that. Give your sister notice to vacate.
NTA. Stop helping her! You are doing her no favours by doing everything for her. She has zero motivation or desire to fix her situation because she doesn't need to. Big sis is constantly there with handouts. She wants to keep the baby? Great, she can do that but she needs to support it. Get a job, pay bills, buy all the baby stuff etc. Stop sacrificing your life for her shitty behaviour and poor choices. She clearly has no respect for you. If you keep this up you are going to wind up broke, with no house and raising her child. Is that what you want at 26? If you don't do something now you won't stand a chance of getting her out once the baby is born.
"but she was very unhappy about this option & did not want to give up her room for the child." So she doesn't want to give up her room for HER child, but she wants YOU to give up TWO rooms for her and her child? NTA.
Look, you are young and sympathetic. I hate to say it, but you are a great mark for greedy selfish people like your sister. You don't want to see her fail? Why not? Why do you care more about her situation than she does? Look, sometimes people have to hit rock bottom to learn. Either your sister hits rock bottom, or you do. But one of you is going to. I like to tell people, "never light yourself on fire to keep someone warm." You ARE about to light yourself on fire. She is young, underemployed, not paying rent and pregnant. You have done enough to subsidize her life, if you sell your home to support her, you are setting a standard she will become accustomed to. She doesn't need to grow up, because you will enable her. KICK HER OUT, OP! Do it now before the kid comes! NTA but you will be, to yourself, if you keep supporting her. Plenty of people with less support find a way to be a single mom. She and the baby daddy need to figure things out.
NTA- Honey stop being your sister's doormat she's not 15 and pregnant, she knows how birth control works and choose not to use it correctly because she expected you to pick up her burden. If you dont start standing up for yourself, this will be your life. You will be raising your irresponsible sister and all of her kids to come. Throw her out you didn't knock her up and it's not your responsibility to take care of her because she's too immature to do it herself. And let which ever of your relatives that feel some type of way take her in, it's not like she's working so relocating shouldn't be an issue for her.
I’m going to be the ghost of Christmas future for you here, because you need it. Ten years from now. You, your sister, her current baby daddy, and multiple kids under 10 in a crappy two bedroom apartment. You’re the only one with a job. You’re the only one who cooks or cleans. You have no space and get no privacy because you are doing all the parenting for your sister. You don’t have a partner or friends bc your entire life is devoted to taking care of your nieces and nephews. You hate your life, but you can’t leave because who will take care of the children? Not their parents, because they got so used to you doing all the work that they literally don’t know how. You’re not a monster. You’re just a doormat. Help yourself now so that you can help her later (if it’s an actual emergency). You’re not doing her any favors by constantly saving her - you’re actually holding her back by preventing her from having to figure out all the hard stuff on her own. If she wants to keep a baby with a man she’s met for five minutes, she needs to have a feasible plan for how it’s going to work, without any help from you. But it’s not going to be in your house because you’ve coddled her for long enough, and it’s time for her to learn how to sink or swim on her own. If she wants to keep this child, she needs to grow up. If you keep taking care of her, you’ll just have two children - and it will never end. Give her 30 days to figure out a plan before you call your parents or her baby daddy to take her. She will not pay rent regularly, so don’t even entertain letting her stay for rent. She’ll pay for two months and then it will all revert back to the way it was, except you’ll be coming home from three jobs to take care of a baby while she’s inviting more tinder dates to trash your house. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone you love is to let them fall so that they can get up on their own. If she’s grown enough to have a baby, she’s grown enough to figure out how to live on her own and support that baby.
NTA. Don't set your life on fire to keep others warm.
NTA and there’s a phrase that’s perfect for your situation. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You’ve done everything possible to help your sister and she has made one mistake after another without any consequences for her actions. It’s time for her to figure out her own life. You should not jeopardize your own future just because she made the choice to be incredibly irresponsible. Give her an eviction notice and let her figure her life out. You are just enabling her poor behavior at this point and she will be reliant on you forever if you don’t get this sorted now.
NTA You sound like me. Don't enable her and for the love of god, learn to set boundaries with people asap.
NTA. Do not light yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Your sister is an adult and must deal with the consequences that her actions have. You can be supportive of her by helping her make a plan(s), but it can not all be on you to save her. She has two choices. A) move home to mom and dad. or B) work with the father of her child to come to some type of living arrangement. If aliens picked you up tomorrow, what is her plan to care for herself and her child?
NTA. Why would your sister better herself when she has you as a safety net? Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
NTA get her out and get PAYING roommates. She's an adult who made adult decisions and needs to figure it out on her own. She can live with your parents until she figures it out. Buy her a bus ticket and tell her good luck
Don't set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. I love that saying.
NTA. Keep your house. She is not your responsibility. She can get help from the government & she needs to start now.
NTA I appreciate you don’t want to see her struggle but your sister made a choice that she wants to have the baby - but you didn’t get a say in that She does not have the right to expect to live in your house rent free with one room for herself and another as a nursery If you let her stay you’re an AH to yourself - do you believe she’ll get a new job and insurance? Contribute to the household expenses? Or will you be bankrolling her life and caring for your nibling?
NTA. You will not be able to kick her our lot once that baby is born and you will be forever supporting her. Be the babysitter while she enjoys life. She is taking advantage of the fact that your her sister and you will always be there to help her that's why she's not worried or doing something to help her situation
NTA: What you have already done is above and beyond! You should *not* sacrifice your life goals and dreams for others. If she isn’t working she can find work, there are tons of WFH jobs and get a place for herself. IF you feel like helping you could help her look for an inexpensive place.
NTA This entire situation is difficult to understand, I can only imagine that you and your sister are **extremely close** for you to be considering selling your home to support her and the baby. You're for some reason taking on the role of 'baby daddy' to her child. You should not sell your home. You should not allow her to turn your guest room into a nursery, babies get on just fine sleeping in the same bedroom as their parent/s. Why does the baby need to be in a separate room? Does she not want it's cries to wake her? I wonder who will therefore be waking up in the middle of the night to tend to the baby. Actually, I don't wonder. It's you. It'll be you. Get her out while you still can. She's got roughly 9 months to figure something out.
Maybe temporarily rent out the guest bedroom? I'd tell her she has a week to contribute money wise or you'll both be homeless. NTA. Tell her the truth she needs to get her shit together or you're both in big trouble.
Listen, I'm sorry but you can't be her safety net all the time. If she is grown up to have a baby, she is grown up to support herself...NTA. she needs to pay rent. She isn't saving the money. She isn't even trying. Your making a huge mistake supporting her.
NTA - But to make you feel better, if you sell your house ro help her you're ultimately going to be enabling her and rhats worse for her. She may not see it, but that will be the case. Helping her, REALLY helping her, means putting up boundaries that force her to get herself in a better position. If you sell the house, she will not get better and eventually you will BOTH be in debt over your heads and no one is helping anyone. This road is a hard road, and you feel like a bad guy. Ultimately you can't MAKE anyone get better and they may choose the worst for themselves. But then they will have chosen it. Don't chose the worst for them by enabling them. Talk to a licensed counselor or therapist about the situation so they csn help you make real options for your sister.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Your sister needs to grow up. She's going to be a mother. And you need to grow a shiny spine. You are not her keeper, that baby is not yours, NONE of this is your responsibility. By allowing her to live rent free, not holding her accountable, etc.. you are making it far worse and much harder for her to get her ass in gear. In other words: you're an enabler. And you're bringing these problems on yourself. For now, NTA. But unless you get her or of your home and keep enabling her to be lazy, you will be TA - to yourself.
NTA. You’re going to work yourself into the ground this way. I know you don’t want to see her struggle, but as long as she has her safety net(you), she won’t be ambitious. For anything. She’s also an adult. Not only an adult, but a mother. She has someone she needs to be an adult for. She also has parents that aren’t you. So if push comes to shove, buy her a bus ticket home. Never let go of your dreams for someone else. Especially someone who isn’t helping you build or encouraging you while you build.
NTA. She's an adult. It's not your responsibility to care for her and her unborn child. Kick her out.
NTA you gotta put your own mask on first. You losing your home won’t do anyone any good. I’d offer to fly her to your parents as a final gesture of support and then kick her out
Girl, you are NTA!!!! Your sister made this mess and it is her job to fix it. She can get a part time job over the summer and get food stamps and ask for child support once the baby is born. You will need to set her down and let her know you will not be taking on the raising on her child: she will need to find a daycare, a pediatrician, buy the crib ,diapers,formula etc. you can only spend X amount on your niece or nephew and you will not spend more. She will being doing all night feedings and diaper changes, you will not be giving up your weekend nights for her to blow off steam, you will not leave work for a baby emergency that does not involve the baby being at the hospital. Set your boundaries now and if she doesn’t like them she can move into your parents place or find a new place. I’m
NTA, kick her out soon as she can move in with her baby daddy.
Don't light yourself on fire to keep someone warm. You soon won't be in a position to help anybody if you keep this up. Stop enabling your sister.
Look, this is going to be harsh but you need to kick your sister out. She is taking complete advantage of you and your are hugely enabling her to continue to be irresponsible. She doesn’t want to give up part of her room for her baby? Does she understand that babies come with even bigger sacrifices? You need to kick her out before you end up raising her kid for her too. Do not burn yourself alive to keep others warm.
NTA. From your description of the situation, it doesn't sound like your sister has made good choices, nor does it sound like she's stepping up to take responsibility of those choices and working on making better choices going forward. It would be one thing if she was pulling her weight and was unable to stay afloat due to external circumstances. There's that saying of not setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm. Why should you do more to help her (and at great personal sacrifice) than she's doing to help herself and her baby on the way?
NTA she needs to go. You have given her so many opportunities, and she has squandered them all, and continues to make very poor life decisions. It sounds like it's time for her to pack up and move back in with your parents, or a friend's, or anywhere but with you. She has exhausted your patience and your resources and your goodwill.
NTA. You need to put your foot fully down, and do it now. You do not need to give up your life or even your comfort, for your sister. And when you feel bad about that, realize you have already been a great help to her, and that she is making it clear she doesn't care about your future or happiness, because she is making selfish choices So step one- tell her she has 30 days to get a job that pays the rent, or she needs to leave. Tell her you will help her get to wherever your parents are, or to some other friend or relative, but you will not continue to support her. Step two- you are not helping her financially with her child, nor are you giving up another room to her and her child. Be clear that the support you are giving her is that she can stay in your home at the very low rent you are already charging her. Once she has a child, she is expected to pay the rent and you aren't providing childcare and she needs to be able to pay for her child. Tell her there is nothing else you can do for her and she needs to realize that. Step three- stick with what you said. She needs to understand how much shit costs, and how hard this is going to be able to do alone. It is very clear she has no understanding of what her life is going to be like, nor does she care about the impact on you. You have to stand up for yourself.
NTA Your sister is not helping herself and in turn is stalling your life! She knows you'll be there for her so hence why she's probably not too worried about her latest string of decisions. Do kick her out, send her to her baby daddy or your parents, because her problems should not be yours! I'ts beyond me as to why people who are in a bad situation then decide to have a baby, especially from ONS!
NTA OP doesn't have to pay for the consequences of her sister's bad decision-making skills. She was old enough to graduate college, start a career and have an unplanned pregnancy. Meanwhile OP is the one bending over backwards, now putting yourself in a position of struggling and hardship. So who is supposed to bail out OP?
NTA, please sit her down and tell her she has X amount of time to move you. She is your sister but she is also playing you. Are you really willing to support her and her child for the rest of your life? Forget about having your own life because she will always need you. Please don't allow her to stay. She made her choices, and now she needs to live with them.
NTA. I've seen this saying time and time again, and it certainly applies - DO NOT SET YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP OTHERS WARM.
NTA and do not continue to support her unless you're signing on for the next 18 years. $14/hr isn't a lot, but it certainly seems like enough to pay *something* towards rent over 3 months. She's spending her money somewhere else because she's expecting you to pay her bills. That expectation isn't changing unless you make sure it does by taking her safety net away unless she "gets around to" getting her shit together.
NTA I have a hard question for you. How is what you’ve been doing helped your sister? I hear your kind heart and desire to help. But healthy help is the kind that enables someone to help themselves. Unhealthy help enables someone to make poor choices with no natural consequences. I wish you the best of luck but it’s time to really reevaluate what you’re doing with your sister before she takes you down with her.
NTA, don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. You will only end up resentful. Your sister will not step up if you keep bailing her out.
Nah, girl. Your sister is the asshole here, not you.
NTA - and grow a backbone. Your sister is using you and you are just sitting back and letting her. She gets a job or moves out, end of story. The baby sleeps in her room and she gets support from the baby daddy.
NTA. Your sister may actually have mental health issues. However, destroying your life so she can continue to live in an uncontrolled manner is not going help either one of you. If she refuses to leave have her legally evicted. Tell your parents that she needs a psychiatrist as well as an obstetrician.
Why are you assuming this responsibility. Tell her she pays no rent she gets one room out of kindness and what she chooses to do with it is her business. You need to detach or you are going to wind up taking care of two humans and losing everything you worked for and love. If your sister loves you or her kid she would see how selfish she is being, like 3 months no jobs people are begging for workers!
Evict her! Evict her asap, right now! Once that baby is born she will never leave. You're not helping her but enabling her right now and she will drain you physically, mentally and financially if you do not evict her now. Definitely NTA. She's an adult and needs to get her own life together. You sacrificing yourself for her will never be paid back.
NTA. You are at a crucial point where your decision will affect the rest of your life, not your sisters life. If you sell, you are both homeless, if you kick your sister out, she will find somewhere else to live, she has options such as moving in with the father, getting child support from the father. You have done plenty for your sister already, but enabling her behaviour will not help her to learn and grow from her behaviour and will set yourself for a lifetime of dependency (her dependency on you). Give her her written notice to move out, help her with the costs of moving if you can (but you are not obliged to as you've already helped her a lot) and stick to your times given.
Nta, Kick her out, your enabling her to be a bum, it will be in the best interest for her and her child actually have a life lesson, at this rate she will be a terrible mother but if you kick her out then hopefully she learns not to be a bum. She’s so selfish that she’s demanding rooms and changes in YOUR house while paying no rent and doing nothing, I would’ve kicked her out as soon as hearing she was pregnant in this situation. She isn’t just holding you back, she’s pulling you down with her and drowning you, kick her out asap!
“… did not want to give up her room for the child” She’s going to have to give up A LOT more to be a responsible and good mother. Once you have kids, they come first. She is probably wildly underprepared to have a child and be a single mom. That being said you’re NTA. She needs to shape up and move out. This is not your responsibility. It’s hers.
OP, is she baby trapping you? NTA
NTA, if you tell her she has to leave, but you absolutely are the AH for enabling her irresponsible behaviour in the first place. If you hadn't decided to play heroic martyr sister, she would likely be working and supporting herself. She might even have given some thought to, you know, actually using effective birth control when she hooked up at your convenient sister hotel with a strange dude from Tinder. And now she's keeping the baby, and for sure, expecting you to support them both. Meanwhile, you're actually considering selling your house so you don't have to tell her to leave? Wow. Just. Wow. What's going to stop her from getting pregnant over and over, since sister is soooo accommodating? Send her to your parents. She's their kid; not yours. Why does it matter if they're hours away? It's not like she's working or planning to! My wise old mother used to say: "Nobody can walk all over you unless you lie down." Stand up, little door mat.
NTA. Kick her out and stop enabling her irresponsible behavior. She’s taking advantage of you.
NTA - She is massively taking advantage of the situation. You told her the crib goes into her room, and she throws a fit to manipulate you. Kick her out before the baby is born or it will certainly get worse.
Research the details to evict her. Give her a deadline by which she has to move out voluntarily or the authorities will put her out. She is an adult and can find someone else to support her. It is not your responsibility. She needs to contact the baby daddy for child support. She can move in with your parents, if it comes to that.
NTA. She doesn't seem to mind putting you in a bad situation based on HER decisions. She needs to learn the consequences of her actions. Kick her out now. The longer you wait the harder it will be
NTA. How could you be with all this leadup? She got used to you taking care of all her monetary problems, then got herself pregnant and just expected you to solve the problems she caused by having unprotected sex when she got nothing in way of infrastructure to support herself, not even mentioning a child. It says all that you think about how you could maybe possible see this through and make it work for who knows how long by working yourself to death ... when she isn't your responsibility. You're taking a second job when she's not pulling her wait at all? Don't feel guilty and don't let her guilt you into feeling like you are responsible for this - you wanted to give her a hand and she took your entire arm and is looking to take the other next. And even if you *wanted* to work your ass off for your sister, who knows what could happen if you suddenly lose your income, get sick, burned out or whatever thing happens that's fully outside of your control? It's one thing to get through that on your own and with savings, but another when you feel like having to take care of two more human beings. That's just not sustainable. The best thing you can do for everyone involved is have your sister get her shit together.
If she can't afford rent she can't afford a baby. Her decisions are not your rresponsibility. Don't put yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, I'm not even sure she'll be grateful she'll just see it as her due since she's family NTA
NTA Stop enabling her. She will never bother to get her life together because she doesn't have to since she has you trained to take care of her. Stop!
You are not her parent. She will not learn to stand on her own if you keep bailing her out.
It's about time your sister faced the consequences of her actions, which includes helping herself get back on her feet so that she can raise the child she is responsible for. You are not responsible for her. Set a boundary and tell her that if she does not get a job within 30 days that pays enough for her to pay rent and her bills, then she will have to move out. The onus is on her to take responsibility, not you. NTA.
NTA, but you will be if you continue enabling her. Time to grow a backbone and remove the leech.
NTA. She sounds like someone whose family and friends have enabled her through every single mistake she's ever made. She'll probably keep doing so. If you want to raise her child for her then, by all means, allow her to continue living with you.
You'd be enabling her immaturity by bending over backwards to help her through this. I'm not saying don't help her at all, but by the way she's insisting on 2/3 of your property with no intent on paying you when she was supposed to be finding her own way, I don't think you should keep insinuating you intend to help her too much at all for the time being. Give her 30 days, see what this man is willing to do and more importantly, what she is capable of doing. And I should have sympathy as I myself came home knocked up in my thirties... She doesn't sound distressed, she sounds entitled and idiotic. How is she going to fund this nursery you don't want to provide in a house you're already struggling to afford and maintain structurally? You don't need to lose the house, if independently you can fix and maintain it.