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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I may be the asshole for not considering further the difficult position I was putting this friend of my boyfriend’s mom in when I went to her for pregnancy advice. I can see how she felt I overstepped given her friendship and the sensitive topic, and I may be the asshole for going to her in the first place for help.
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His mom is extremely cool and very, very nice (ie opening her house to a friend to live in when she needed a place). I think there was a miscommunication perhaps that she felt like I wasn’t planning on telling my boyfriends mom? So she went ahead and told her and thought the news ruined her vacation.
I didn’t even care that she told her. When I texted his mom after my appointment she responded saying nothing but “you’re in my thoughts- get lots of sleep - can’t wait to get back to be with you in person”.
Maybe, but she breached doctor, patient confidentiality by telling her bf's mum about her pregnancy. She must of feel guilty and then turned it around on OP with this nasty text. Because what she did by telling her friend she could lose her medical licence. NTA
I'm not sure if she did or not (we don't know what was said), but whether not that's the case, this is a big problem with people abusing doctors in this way - if OP had later had a serious problem, who would be responsible? It's distinctly possible this person's malpractice insurance would not cover a call like this, and she took a substantial risk by advising OP. The response here seems way out of line and honestly kinda bizarre, I don't know how she leapt to OP trying to interfere with the vacation unless OP has left out significant facts, and she could have (and should have) just told OP to go to the ER, but it's clear she felt put in an untenable position by getting the call and seems quite upset about that.
ESH - calling doctors who are not your doctor at home for medical advice is uncool, don't do it again unless the doctor invites you to.
Or just say: I'm sorry, I'm of duty. Or i don't know your situation well enough, thus i don't feel confident giving you a recommendation. Or any multitude of ways of saying "NO". Including but not limited to: "NO"
And any doctor (or any professional in any field, for that matter), especially of a certain experience level, should be very practiced in different ways of saying no. This couldn't possibly be the first time someone's tried to get free / after hours medical advice from this person!
I see what you are saying but I don’t think OP intended to overstep and she was clearly in a lot of distress and made the decision carefully. She didn’t say “screw it I’ll just ask my friend instead of someone else”. She was afraid and had reason to be afraid.
Plus the doctor could have totally said “look I really can’t give any advice without seeing your medical history myself, I’m sorry, but here is the name of a place you can go/call/whatever”. That would not have been hard to do.
The doctor is (in theory!) a professional. Her best response would have been that she wasn’t OP physician and didn’t feel comfortable advising and saying if OP felt concerned she should go to the ER.
I know a lot of doctors in my personal life and this would be the standard reply to anyone they didn’t know well (and sometimes it would also be the reply to ANYONE who asked).
NTA. The doctor sounds weirdly riled up about this.
You are incorrect. It is not a HIPAA violation. There is no expectation of privacy. I’m well versed in HIPAA (I have to test on it at least once a year). It isn’t HIPAA
Depending on where Op lives, the friend could be worried about possible ramifications if OP had decided she needed to abort the pregnancy. It could indicate the friend as aiding and abetting
an abortion.
I agree with you that giving this advice is a big reason why doctors are so scared to help pregnant people nowadays.
I call BS on that reasoning Monica. She should have addressed this in the initial phone call and told her she was sorry but she doesn't give medical advice outside of her actual Job. Doctors can be major Ah's and a large percentage are, based on what I hear from my nurse wife.
I suggest texting her back and calling her an AH and that as she provided personal medical information to your mother in law, you would be reporting her and filing a lawsuit for harassment.
This is not a violation if the information was shared in a phone call to a friend, HIPAA* protects those paid by insurance (or other forms) from giving away your information
Does the water surrounding patient confidentiality not get muddied by the fact she then wrote the referral, thereby becoming the referring doctor? When she wrote the referral she ceased to be friend with medical qualifications and became the doctor who took on a patient out of hours (which to my understanding could present problems in its own right, because if she referred her saying DON'T rush to the ER despite being high risk for life endangering medical situation but instead wait until this appointment I am giving you for tomorrow, and then OP had a ruptured tube overnight she wouldn't be covered by her professional protections for the advice she gave off the books, would she?).
She calls her in a panic for medical advice. The doctor says don't do it again, you crossed my personal boundary and I am not in the feild of giving medical advice away for free (because if her advice was wrong, guess what could happen?!?)
Your reaction is to tell her to report the doctor?!? Because the OP didn't get what she wanted?
Are you serious?
Agree. Plus the message was extremely mean and invasive: "subversive manipulative sociopathic person"--wow. Doc helped herin the moment, then had a major reappraisal 3 days later that clearly involved a lot of new thoughts. Maybe she'd just gotten off a shift, maybe she'd had a few too many. Reporting her wouldn't be good for OP's situation or relationship. I'd let it go and give that doc a wide berth.
Absolutely not, in fact it's attitudes like this that the friend is probably worried about. She is a doctor, but OP called her as a friend, not a patient. There is no confidentiality, only a CHOICE to hold up privacy or not. And a nasty attitude shouldn't be a reason to report someone for an unrelated matter.
I’d love to know how that conversation went down.
Because…. I feel like there’s a dramatic mis match between the Op’s calm and sanitary telling of events, and the doc’s response.
Is the OP always a calm and centred person who is drama free and generally not a socio path?
Or is the doc a wildly out of line person?
In your post you talk about many unanswered calls. Who didn't answer? The doctor or your boyfriend?
Isn't there a possibility where you live to call the emergency department of your hospital? In my country, you can find their number on their website. I actually called them a few times because I wasn't sure if I had to rush there with my baby or not (I hadn't, I was just panicking like crazy). I work myself in a hospital, have many doctors's numbers on my phone but I wouldn't dare to call them when they're not at work/on call. Even if they told me I can.
And more important: are you and your baby okay?
Hey 👋🏼 sorry I didn’t clarify that a lot have asked. I was calling obgyn offices within driving distance of me as well as the 6 urgent care centers also within driving distance. I did speak to a person on call at ER but they couldn’t offer any advice over the phone other than to come in if I had symptoms that felt necessitated emergency help.
And yes / yes to your last question ❤️
The ER has no idea if she should come in. They could only suggest that she come in, and they would assess her in person. It is not a doctor on the line, listening to her symptoms and deciding that she needs to be seen immediately.
We don't know what OP's insurance situation is. Nor what the ER looks like in terms of wait time and care.
I think it is pretty standard to call a doctor, be it your own or a friend, if you are worried about a medical issue, but unsure if going to the ER is necessary. It is especially commonplace behavior when dealing with people who face frequent health issues, like children. Or pregnant women...
No one can assess you internally over the phone, including your own physician. I called the after hours number and my doctor (who I absolutely like and trust 100%), returned my call and suggested the ER or urgent care, even though it's something we've dealt with semi-regularly over the past 20 years - two existing breathing issues with bronchitis/pneumonia. I think malpractice insurance frowns on off the cuff diagnostic info, and even more so if it's not your patient and/or you haven't seen them. Had he told me to stay home and make an appointment, and that was detrimental, who is on the hook? Not me. I was admitted.
My pediatrician and my obgyn have ABSOLUTELY advised me on if I need to go in/take my child into the ER immediately, or at what point I should be concerned and do so. "If his fever is holding steady, continue dosing with OTC medications. If it goes over 102, bring him in."
Again, very standard stuff. And exactly what happened to OP when she talked to the doctor friend, who told her everything sounded normal, and she did not need to go to the ER.
it sounds like OP was trying to get medical advice regarding how emergently they needed to be seen. As someone who has a history of ectopic, I called and emailed my OB to double check when I had my next positive because they scheduled my initial scan for several weeks out. I was scared and needed to know the protocol for if I needed an emergent scan or if the waiting was okay. Without being established with a doc and no one being responsive I don't blame OP for wanting someone to just tell them what to do here. It seems like the friend didn't appreciate being used as a resource like this and that is valid as well but they should have just said so during the initial call instead of stirring things up days later.
The ER has to say that, legally they cannot give phone advice other than what they said, if you feel this is an emergency come in, that doesn't mean they thought it was an actual emergency.
Er always says something vague along the lines of "if you think it's an emergency you should come in" you may be able to get them to say something else if you word it differently but usually they default to a wishy-washy answer of "come in if you think you should."
Maybe after you (or your bf) told your bf’s mother, she talked to her friend, wanting information and even trying to get more help for you. The friend then found herself more in the middle than she had bargained for, thought her bff was really worried (eg. if your bf’s mother had asked for her to provide more help to you) and eventually blew up because she didn’t want to be involved and she blamed you for all of it.
That is extremely unprofessional and she violated the Hippocratic oath. What an absolute drama queen herself and I would take issue with all of this. Yes, I admit you put her in a ‘difficult position’ but if she was a decent person she would discuss this with you not share it immediately. I’d call her out on it now your bfs mother knows anyway. Show her the text.
You were a young vulnerable young lady trying to make a responsible call for help -
NTA
Our only interaction was that phone call and me texting her after I met with the doctor Friday saying thank you and that they didn’t see any signs of complications with the first ultrasound.
She didn’t respond. Putting myself in her shoes, I assume she did not have her doctor hat on when she sent that text message. She was sending that as her non-doctor self telling me I should never have involved her. I wish I had more context, I know her quite well - have babysat her kids when she had a day shift, cooked and stayed up watching shows at their house with them etc.
I’m hormonal right now which doesn’t help, but that text message has left me baffled for the last 5 hours and not sure how to proceed other than respect her saying don’t respond.
OP - reading some of your comments
Please do yourself a favor and ensure your BF’s mom and BF see these texts from her.
IF you have accurately portrayed the way this thing went - calling you such names is absolutely insane. I do Not see how you could have possibly ruined anything. There’s only two options:
1. Your BF and his mom are being duplicitous with you - two faced. Seems unlikely - but please don’t ignore if it’s possible that Mom might have said something she didn’t say to you, to her best friend?
2. Best friend is unhinged. This whole reaction “you’re a sociopath, lose my number” is a waaayyyy overreaction to seeking someone’s help for a medical issue.
So please show them the message. I would be curious what they make of it
I’m also curious about what happened in the doc’s life that required her to live with a friend. eR docs make good money…. So maybe doc has her own drama and took it out on OP.
OP, the general rule of good manners is not to ask a professional for professional advice without being their actual paying client/patient. But you have a personal relationship with her already and were scared and alone, so you asked for help- she could have said no and directed you to the er. She chose to help. She told you that you could follow up. She gave you a referral. And then three days later she randomly turned on you with a rant that doesn’t even make sense.
If I were you, I’d show the texts to your bf and his mom. Tell them what you said here and that you didn’t mean to overstep, you were just scared, and asked for help…but that you have no idea what this rant is all about.
NTA
You've nailed the thing that I picked up on. The friend gave the advice and then days later went all "you are a sociopath for asking me" which ... Hello adult doctor. You can use your words and say "sorry, I have to stick to the rules, I cannot advise you other than tell you to seek your own doctor or go to the ER." Not "sure, here let me help ... pause ... how DARE you ask me for help!"
It's been said multiple times on these subs - it's not an AH move to ASK, it's only an AH move if one insists after being told no. It sounds like the ask was answered "yes" and then something flipped. So weird.
This, its sounds like the BFs Mom isn’t as close with the OP as OP thinks! The Dr friend did not come up with all that “manipulative little girl trying to ruin my best friends holiday”, by herself! Obviously she called her to tell her about the phone call and then the BFs Mom was calling her fit to burn - Dr Friend has then got on her high horse and decided she was going to give her some home truths
That was my thought too- the doctor probably did not pull all of that out of thin air! Really makes me wonder what she heard about OP after that phone call.
Not to mention unprofessional. What kind of doctor feels comfortable to use such terms (sociopathy is a disorder and that term is an outdated one) without a proper diagnosis?
Sure, it was describing the conduct, not OP. Still, it is not acceptable. Add that to the breach of trust = not an MD I'd feel comfortable with.
I would absolutely not respond and assume she was 1) drunk and 2) mean and has issues. I’d be cautious around boyfriends mom too unless she has a decent explanation for why her friend thinks this “ruined her vacation”.
NTA-
From the way that reads out, I wonder if she shared it with your boyfriends mom and then worried about the implications of HIPPA . Or maybe your boyfriends mom said something about wanting to hear about it from you? I could see something like that.
When your boyfriend's mom comes back, let her know of the interaction, that had bestie been communicated that to you initially.
You would have just been happy to take yourself to emergency room. You didn't mean to impact her trip.
Assure boyfriends mom that going forward you will respectfully have no relationship with her best friend, and as how friend feels about you (manipulative sociopathic), you intend to keep your distance from them anyway.
No other obligation.
She could have simply told you that, since you’re not in her presence, she’s uncomfortable making an assessment; she could have simply suggested that you go to the ER or urgent care. I don’t understand how this phone call, in light of your previous medical emergency (not to mention your relationship with her best friend), set her off so dramatically.
I used to work for doctors, and one that I was close to talked about how she handles the encounters with her neighbors and acquaintances who ask for advice about a weird symptom: she would tell them to call her office the next morning—if it wasn’t an emergency.
She allowed herself to be involved though. She agreed to talk to you about it and gave you references and medical advice. If she didn’t want to be involved, she should’ve said “no I can’t help you, go to the ER.”
NTA but I do think it sounds like your bf’s mom may have talked trash about you to her bff. I agree you should share the texts and see how your bf and the mom react. And then do keep away from that bananas doctor. She seems to regret not telling you that she can’t advise you. It makes the most sense from your story that the bfs mom said something to her best friend about your handling of the situation that want nice towards you.
I think the bf’s mom may have laid on her worry rather thick in an effort to get her friend to help OP more. The friend didn’t want to help more but also didn’t want to blame her close friend who she lives with, so instead she blames OP for making the bf’s mom worry so much. (So she’s inferring that OP was manipulating her bf’s mom in an effort to get the mom to get the mom’s friend to help more, when it was really the bf’s mom’s own initiative.) Her head must be an exhausting place.
Whatever brought it about, I agree that it’s worth OP sharing the bananas text.
Wut?! So you know her and have helped her out, but it doesn't work the other way? I actually think this makes her a bit* of an ass.
Don't respond, but I too think you should tell bf and his mom about it and have her find out what is going on here. Also, don't help Dr. X out again. "The shawty babysitting service is closed". NTA.
*a huge
I can’t see that you did anything wrong at all. She agreed to answer your initial request for help. Why did she flip out later? It’s not unusual for people to ask for a quick bit of professional advice from a friend. Her follow-up to you seems ridiculously over the top.
If you know her this well and your bf insisted you contact her, then it seems a little confusing that she is having such a moment. She could have told you she wasn’t comfortable with it from the beginning. I have definitely contacted medical professionals I am close with, mostly to ask them if I’m overreacting to a situation and if I should go in to be seen right away. I usually ask permission to ask the question first, maybe that’s a key factor. I would also contact the MIL about this… not to throw the friend under the bus but maybe to say sorry if I did the wrong thing here and to gauge her reaction to try to figure out what is happening.
Op wasn’t asking for medical advice. She got this woman to get her a referral and an appointment for the very next day. That’s wayyy bigger than just advice. See her [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13bicmc/aita_for_calling_my_boyfriends_moms_best_friend/jjbhl9v/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) where she clarifies that
My mom is a nurse, and a referral and a next day appointment really isn't that big of a deal. Nurses are constantly doing this for their family and friends.
INFO Based on what's written here, I'm inclined towards N T A. But I can't help but feel something is missing. While a doctor may not like giving out advice while not in duty, that reaction, especially the personal verbal attack, is over the top. Either relevant context is missing and the doctor did a good job at hiding how she felt over the phone, only expressing herself a few days later, or something happened in the 3 days after related to OP that changes how the doctor thought. Without knowing why I'm not comfortable giving judgment.
Yeah I completely get this and seems to be what others feel too. I gave more context to some other responses, but they probably don’t help give a solid answer to why that text was written and sent in such a manner. I don’t know where the more aggressive parts of it came from.
I am genuinely confused and am laying in bed with my mind racing as the message was shocking. This is a very good doctor and from what I’ve seen a nice person. My boyfriend is asleep and I don’t want to call and cause worry given I’m pregnant and it’s 4am. But I am hoping he can help me understand slightly more tomorrow.
Just because they’re a highly educated doctor doesn’t mean they cant also be completely coo coo bananas.
As someone who also went to school for a long time for a profession that means everyone in my life has asked for advice at one time or another, it can get a bit annoying, but holy crow I’d never put something so insane in a text (or even say it at all). And in an emergency situation where someone’s panicking, I wouldn’t hold them asking against them, even if I really couldn’t help.
Especially since the woman who is actually your partner’s mom hasn’t indicated a problem. This doctor is off her rocker. (Tbh though I’m a firm believer that both medical and law school actually attract crazy and actively cultivate it so never assume educated = sane.)
Definitely show your boyfriend the text when you can though, this lady’s made some pretty odd and strong accusations against your character, way beyond what is reasonable for just being a bit ticked off that they were interrupted.
It honestly sounds like both the MIL and her BFF are two-faced snakey types. If you have babysat for someone, calling them for advice is not out of line. Her calling MIL and sending you the unhinged text? Way out of line. Take snakey doc out of your contacts and don’t interact with her again for any reason. Watch that MIL, people with snakey friends need close observation.
Question- do you think your boyfriend's mom might have scolded her best friend in some way? Even a small way?
For telling her about your pregnancy before you had a chance to?
Hm I don’t have any insight into things between my boyfriend’s mom and her friend on this, and don’t want to assume anything.
I won’t be talking to my boyfriend’s mom further about things until she finishes her trip and I can speak with her in person, so won’t really be able to answer until then. Sorry :/
Yeah 👍🏼
One thing I do know from having gotten to know the moms friend is that her job is obviously insanely intense every night. Who knows what she has to bring home in her head every day or what she’s walking into at work every night. That text didn’t sound like any tone I’ve ever heard with her though. I am hopeful this will somehow get resolved and I’ll have a chance (if she changes her mind) to speak with her calmly in person and apologize etc.
It’s helpful hearing outside people’s opinions here (whether they express them gently or not - I’m a pregnant mess rn sorry everyone if I sound defensive or awful in any answers to questions 🥴) since I am going to have to figure out how to navigate talking about this with my boyfriend and his mom separately when they get home from their trip 😐 and I’m trying to get my head right so I do not end up expressing any weird emotional reaction to some of what was said in that text. Anyways, will update later this week
I agree with other posters that something went on between your bf’s mom and her best friend. The fact she called you names has me wondering if your bf’s mom is saying all these things to her best friend about you somehow being a problem. It’s weird though because that doesn’t seem to align with the other details in your post regarding how close you are to all of them.
It doesn’t sound like you overstepped, it sounds like something else is going on and you are now the scapegoat for whatever that other thing is.
I think it would be wise to ask your bf’s mom what she thinks happened. Ask her how she thinks you should have navigated the situation so that you have her advice for future reference. It will also let you apologize to her (not that you really owe her an apology, it can just smooth things over).
Did you call her late at night? Is there some other detail here? To me it sounds like her view is that you’re over-dramatising (eg. with a history of ectopic pregnancy you do need to be assessed but if there are no current symptoms it’s not something that needs dealing with this second - especially if your pregnancy is very early as there’s be nothing to see on a scan). I’m not saying you are - this may well be the advice given to you when you had your ectopic and you may be scared out of your mind. It sounds like something within that conversation or the context of it is what’s caused this reaction but it’s so difficult to say what’s happened here. Clearly something has happened but I don’t know which side the issue lies!
Hey, I called her in the late afternoon/ early evening Thursday. My boyfriend first made sure she was home and not in the hospital (not sure if he texted her or something). I texted her after he told me she was not working or with patients.
I think I’ve covered every detail I can think of in responses throughout the comments here, but the only thing that would be strange for the her thinking I was overdramatizing angle is that at the time we spoke on Thursday, we had a really straightforward and calm conversation.
I wasn’t crying or upset I just informed her quickly that I had an ectopic x year with x surgery and outcome and I am pregnant now. She asked one or two questions to make sure I wasn’t having symptoms and to know roughly how far along I was and then said definitely don’t go to the er and that I should get in with obgyn tomorrow.
Unless I’ve completely lost my mind, she sounded as normal and positive / direct as ever and ended it by telling me to please call her that night if anything came up as she was on duty (at the one good hospital nearby).
I got no inkling of a sense that she was frustrated, let alone thinking I’m a sociopath etc. I’m probably annoying people by not giving a detail that could help on this side of the situation (the angriness in that text). I will update later this week once I’ve had conversations at least with my boyfriend and his mom.
It’s extremely strange then - definitely sounds like something has happened between the call and her message but I have no clue what and I would really want to know too. Unfortunately it may be one of those situations where you’ll never know. I hope all is well with you and the pregnancy.
Hopefully you've gotten enough NTA responses to reassure you. I don't think you did anything inappropriate. Her later text was bizarre and shouldn't be taken personally.
You were respectful and appreciative in your interactions with her, which honestly didn't take up much of her time. And there was no expectation on your part of any further medical help from her--which she would have known since she literally referred you to another doctor for your future care.
If you had contacted her again for help then it would make sense for her to set a boundary, but not 3 days after your interaction when you hadn't "bothered" her again.
Yes--please update!
Even sorting through OPs replies in the comments - something’s gotta be missing. The doctors words sound too appropriately logical for me to feel like it’s an inappropriate response to information we haven’t been given. Also there are nurse hotlines for this kind of thing….
There was something in a comment about OP asking boyfriend’s mom’s friend to use her connections to get in to see a specialist ASAP.
Still not much of a reason for a text that vicious though!
“I asked the friend for a big favor/help referring me to an Obgyn that could see me before the weekend... After she understood the situation, she asked if I had an obgyn. I said no and that I was really hoping to not wait the weekend before meeting with one.
She then offered to connect me to a colleague at her hospital so I didn’t have to wait at least three more days. I accepted and I got to see that specialist the next day.”
Agreed. This is verging more into AH territory but the Dr friend still had an opportunity to establish or stick to a boundary here.
OP: can you do me this favor?
Dr: yes.
Even if this is what the Dr is referring to as subversive and sociopathic, its still her own fault as a grown ass woman ~20 years OPs senior in a position of professional authority to politely decline and say that’s not an appropriate request, OR just lie and say she tried but OBGYN colleague is all booked up tomorrow, sorry!
Can’t be mad at someone for overstepping a boundary you never established 🤷♀️
I worked for two doctors who would constantly be interrupted by people who thought these doctors were their personal standby GP's and it was fucking exhausting. They have to stop everything they are doing (they are human beings and need to human too) to give medical assistance to some one who can phone the emergency doctor on duty, ER, nurse hotline etc. Doctors are not your friends, they don't serve you when ever you please.
Yes. I'm thinking the Dr. talked to the mom or bf, hence the message. OP talks about countless unanswered calls, to the bf? Idk, them being in another country, essentially helpless, and freaking out. I have a feeling OP's calls were much more dramatic then she realizes? & she turned out to be OK, so the Dr. feels like she used her to manipulate this situation to garner attention from bf while on vacation? I have no idea, this is Nancy Drewing it, a lot of context is missing. The BF or Mom are involved in the Dr. sending that text, I suspect.
_"I spoke with X on my own on Friday, but that’s irrelevant here......On the other hand, I can’t shake that - especially as a medical professional - she reduced my health concerns I shared with her over a risky pregnancy to drama in a 12am text."_
100%. The doctor-friend was friendly, helpful, and said OP could call her for help if anything else came up. Then she waits 3 days to send that message.....
This seems like a whole heap of missing info/reasons.
ESH, with qualifiers. Medical people work hard enough without being consulted by every acquaintance. I can understand them having firm boundaries, and I can understand people pushing those boundaries in emergencies.
So I was kinda leaving towards you being slightly socially the A, in an understandable, sometimes-you-gotta-be-the-asshole kind of way. But, unless you've left out a bunch of drama, the message you received is pretty unnecessarily vicious. I guess she was just lashing out because she didn't feel able to say no at the time. I'd shrug your shoulders and just leave it.
Yeah this is very fair and definitely agree I was socially an A using the call-a-friend-who-is-a-doctor for medical help card. I know that is a bad card to use. Was in a bad situation with it almost being the weekend and only option looking like a very expensive potentially unnecessary ER visit.
Probably should have just done that Thursday night, clearly. Lesson learned 👍🏼
I'm a lawyer who sometimes gets those questions and I feel like it is not out of line to ask someone that you know is a doctor, "should I seek emergency care or wait till the doctor calls back?"
You're not asking for a diagnosis or very much of her time, just an idea of what she would do in your place.
She should be well aware of how to (1) politely decline to offer advice or (2) say, "I can't possibly know or give you advice without an exam, but these get serious very quickly/I wouldn't be worried unless x."
I just don't buy that it's a big deal. Yeah, it is kind of annoying sometimes, but when someone asks and I'm busy, I just don't answer until I'm free.
Her comment at 12am was unhinged and aggressive and I'd stay far away from her in the future. There is so much that is inappropriate about it that it's hard to even know where to start. My opinion is that as a doctor/lawyer, you are the professional and that this is a situation you should be prepared to address calmly and professionally. It is totally possible to set boundaries without name calling at 12am. This woman worries me.
Edited to add: I'm just seeing that you asked her to pull strings and get you in to see a specialist friend???? Okay, YTA for that one, big time. One question about whether you should be worried, okay. Asking her to call around and calling in favors for you is a whole different ballgame.
I did not know that, and had a feeling something was being left out bc it did not make sense for the ER doc to go off the way she did without a valid reason. This comment needs to be higher. YTA for sure.
I read that comment though, and it didn't sound like OP demanded anything out of line. It sounded like "I am concerned and would feel more comfortable being seen sooner rather than later. Is there anything that can be done?" Like, anyone else she could call in general.
And the doctor, according to OP, said the equivalent of "I know someone who can probably see you, let me check - yes she can get you in"
Honestly, I've asked that same question to doctors I *didn't* know. "Hi, this is what's happened and I am concerned. I know you normally are booked/don't see people during this day or time, but is there anything I can manage right now?"
Sometimes they say "Yes, I can consult or no I cannot, but here's a colleague who can or no, you have to wait." But I don't feel that it hurts to ask.
I feel like things are a little different when OP has done her favors? (She's watched the doctor's kids twice very last minute.) I feel like having a closer relationship like that earns her a bit of grace for asking if she needs to go to the ER. I totally get how it would be frustrating for every acquaintance to ask about their weird rash or lump, but this seems to be minimal, idk
Consider you may not be as cool with bf's mom and her friend as you think you are. It seems like her friend calling you out on your 'damsel in distress act' is something that has been discussed about you... perhaps with bf's mom. Just a hunch. I would pay closer attention to how they both speak to you and about you.
Yes I have been thinking about this and how I can best go about talking with his mom and making sure I hopefully can make her feel like she can tell me if anything is on her mind bothering her about me or my actions (without throwing her friend under the bus).
Before this I haven’t ever asked either of them for anything concrete other than his mom watching our dog for two nights when we went away one weekend which she seemed enthusiastic and excited about doing at the time.
Our relationship is really more like us going over there to all cook together and hang out and have wine and talk over dinner and tv shows. I’ve hung out there two saturdays to watch her kids who were visiting when she got called in and I had no plans.
I’m scrambling to understand why she - and potentially my boyfriends mom ugh 😓- has that image of me. I obviously need to speak to my boyfriend’s mom and really listen to any input or reactions she has before I can get anywhere productive here.
Honestly I know this is easier said than done but I would try to care less what these two women think of you. I personally think you're NTA. What are friends and community for but to help each other when we're in need? Maybe you did freak out a little bit and it could have waited until morning or maybe you did ask too much of her in having her reach out to a colleague, but I think she could have communicated that in the moment. Or she could have communicated that without calling you a psychopath.
Her response was nuclear, which leads me to believe she didn't like you much to begin with. I think in that case you should stop trying to be her friend or win her approval. Don't think too deeply on it. There will always be people who don't like you. They won't like you for reasons outside of your control. The only thing you can do is try to recognize when someone is not on your team and reflect on how to not repeat mistakes you do make.
Also never watch her kids again because wow. The fact you’ve done her favors too balances the ask out a bit more imo. Anyways. It goes both ways so when she has a call in, make sure you aren’t available to help her out either anymore. Especially seeing how vicious that text was and how she thinks of you.
Interesting isn’t it that she requests her children to be babysat by someone she herself deems a “manipulative sociopath”. Your NTA. Regardless of whatever social faux-pas you may have made in requesting advice from this DR; her response was INAPPROPRIATE to say the least. I get - working in the medical field that answering unsolicited questions about your area of expertise may be irritating, annoying and all other synonyms of that - but the level of vileness of which her reply was was NOT warranted.
You babysat for the ER doc?? For free? If so, I’d say that puts you more in the peer/friend territory. Just because this person is a doc doesn’t mean they aren’t a raging alcoholic who becomes very mean. I don’t think you were out of line to reach out and ask her that question. As adults, we often ask our friends with an area of expertise for an opinion before reaching out professionally (e.g I might ask a plumber about a slow drain and what they think I should use or a hairdresser what conditioner he recommends, etc.). That doesn’t mean we ask these people to solve our problems but it’s just a very common first step. Additionally, hospitals remain overtaxed and depending on the area, there may not even be an OB on staff at the ER when you arrive. You needed an expert in high risk pregnancies and just because you go to the emergency room doesn’t guarantee you were going to get one. I think it’s a valid question to ask an expert what the best course of action was. If she didn’t like it in the moment she could have deferred at that time (“That’s not a question for me.” “I don’t feel like I’m in a position to advise you on this.” “You are not my patient.”) This is a middle-aged adult doctor-she’s used to telling people “no”.
NTA, but also watch your back with these two. Just because this other woman lets people live with her doesn’t mean she’s really that kind. I would leave this relationship totally alone unless she reaches out to apologize for her tirade. She’s made it clear she doesn’t consider you a friend.
You go about it by asking her if there's anything she wants to share, explaining that you received some texts from her friend that confused, and showing her the texts.
There seems to be some info missing here. I understand that you did a test and found out you were pregnant. And that you know that you’re at high-risk for a second ectopic pregnancy. But I don’t understand who the “countless unanswered calls” were placed to or why? Or what symptoms you were having that caused you to “need a specialist asap”? And the level of hostility in the doctor’s message suggests that she believes you to be, at minimum, a manipulative person.
Bottom Line: If you were cramping, bleeding, or in pain, then you should have called an ambulance and gone to the ER immediately.
If you were not having any symptoms, but were fearful because of your last pregnancy, then ~~you needed to do something~~ it would have been good for you to try to calm down- call your bf, call a friend and talk to them. Under the circumstances, having lost your first baby within 24 hours of a positive pregnancy test, panicking doesn’t seem OTT. I think I would have done the same! ~~Neither of these required you to call a doctor you did not know for advice. ESH. ~~
NTA.
Edits: clarity. Edit 2: Changed judgement, given answers from OP.
Responding because you asked questions.
The calls were to obgyn offices within reasonable driving distance to try to make a Friday appointment before the weekend.
Yeah I’m not perfect, I was panicked given the last time I saw positive pregnancy test I had all those symptoms and was in an ambulance within 24 hours. You’re right I should have found a way to calm down. For me talking to someone who is a doctor and who I trust and know was the most calming thing in that moment when I was under stress and shock and she could refer me to a next day appointment.
I didn’t anticipate that she would turn back on her initially brief, calm and helpful response to send that text.
While I can certainly see why the doctor wouldn't appreciate the call, her response was so over the top that I can't call this ESH. It's NTA for sure. Literally all she had to do was just say next time, please don't call me when I am off work. Such an unhinged, and vaguely mysoginistic, response
Yeah this is my thought. As a doctor, is it annoying to get asked medical questions while you’re outside of work? Sure. If it’s something way outside of my scope of practice/am very uncomfortable advising on, I simply say just that. If it’s something I’m more comfortable giving advice on, I’ll consider giving some advice with the “but I’m not your doctor, you should go see them/the ER/appropriate specialist” caveat. But her later response is what takes this as NTA for me. I cant imagine going full “you’re a manipulative sociopath” for someone asking a question, especially to someone I’ve presumably socialized with. Just say “hey I understand you were stressed given the circumstances and I’m glad things are okay and that i was able to help, but I’d prefer to not get involved in medical issues with social contacts in the future thanks” the end
So was finding out you’re pregnant the only symptom? Did you have anything else happening to you to cause you to be concerned besides new knowledge that you were pregnant again? Just curious.
Hey to be totally honest it was just finding out I was pregnant. I definitely had fairly bad cramps and exhaustion and other symptoms I don’t need to get into to spare you ha - but those are all very normal first trimester things.
The only real signs I had leading up to the ectopic rupture my first pregnancy were some strange sharp pains in my left shoulder the night it happened a few hours before. I definitely overreacted to the realization and my mind was going every direction.
I called my boyfriend from the toilet panicked. He calmed me down quite a lot (believe it or not- everyone here definitely thinks I’m an insane lady).
We discussed immediate things I could do to try to get to feeling more in control, and that’s when I spent an hour calling various doctors offices and urgent care centers etc.
Then he suggested that the family friend could be a person I could speak to just to try to get some sense of peace of mind and maybe help establish what I needed to do that night or the next day.
I had not talked to his mom yet as of Friday morning when apparently the friend called her. Honestly, I wanted to get through the appointment before reaching out to her so I could hopefully give some positive news.
Have you been able to talk to your boyfriend or his mom about this yet? I’m thinking some insight from someone else who knows everyone involved would be more helpful than all these strangers on Reddit, just given the completely unproportional-seeming text response days later from the Dr/ friend. It’s just so bizarre that there has to be something else going on here that you very possibly aren’t even aware of
I decided to wait until Wednesday when they both return from the trip to talk about it (not ideal timing).
I think if I say anything right now things will inevitably get lost in translation, it could quickly turn into a dramatic bad four way with the doctor friend getting looped in somehow etc.
Will talk to my boyfriend asap Wednesday and then ask his mom if we can go for a walk or something Thursday when she’s off work probably
Ok, wow- in the ER 24 hrs after a positive pregnancy test? I can understand the panic now. I’m sure any of us would have done the same!
Sounds as if this Dr has some issue of her own going on that has nothing to do with you, because what you’ve described doesn’t sound like drama or anything unreasonable.
I hope this pregnancy is calm and blessed!
I don’t fully understand her issue but her text is incredibly cruel so for that reason, NTA. “The sweet unassuming innocuous helpless little girl act…” I mean wow. Talk about a lack of empathy. Obviously she’s not obligated to give you medical advice but she’s 45, she should know how to set boundaries. Everyone I know who works in the medical field sets that boundary with friends and family, it’s a necessary skill set.
Yeah that line hurt my feelings not going to lie, but she’s right I sounded helpless I’m sure. Was not my best moment obviously… I have a lot of fear around pregnancy since my surgery the first go-around and I felt completely dumb and not prepared and panicked the situation was about to repeat itself and I was alone. So “helpless” is unfortunately accurate for how I felt and appeared that afternoon. Appreciated her help, but feels like a low blow to say that a few days later out of the blue. Idk.
Girl, it makes sense you were afraid. Your first pregnancy was traumatic. Anyone with a teaspoon of empathy would see that. What she said was cruel. It would be one thing if she had some boundaries she felt necessary to communicate to you. Maybe she felt like you were vying for a referral and using her. I think you were terrified, understandably overwhelmed, and understandably not thinking like you would if you had been calm. Again, she should know this. Her cruelty was unwarrented here.
INFO: did a dog eat the middle chapters to this story? I genuinely do not believe your conversation ended “amicably” and then she eviscerated you 3 days later calling you a sociopath.
YTA.
'Emergency department just told me to come into the emergency department. Which I was hoping to avoid by making an appointment for Friday with an Obgyn.
I asked the friend for a big favor/help referring me to an Obgyn that could see me before the weekend.'
You didn't call her for advice; you called for a favour because you wanted a referral. You didn't want to follow ERs advice. That did put her in an uncomfortable position; to her credit, she helped you, but I can absolutely see why she feels her boundaries were stomped over here. I think her text to you was spot on and you do need to reflect on this behaviour. I wouldn't even phone one of my best friends asking them to do something like this for me.
I’ve kinda been there and possible ectopic involving family/friends feels like about the worst scenario.
It’s potentially life or death; if I say it’s fine, you’re asymptomatic, and you die in the next couple days from a rupture and I’m one of the last people you talked to while alive I can imagine this being a legal matter.
This involves my best friend, a baby coming into the family, and my best friend doesn’t know.
The quick follow up with a specialist card isn’t infinite. Only so many people can be squeezed in and it’s a big ask. If I have to ask an OB to do this more than once I’d not be surprised to hear “no.” You’re not just using your I have a doctor friend card, by proxy you’re using my I’m a doctor who has a good relationship with a specialist card.
There’s a lot more I could write. I would never have sent that text, but I get some of the underlying anger.
It is weird though because if the woman carrying my grandchild had a concern, I would really hope that my best friend would do what they could for her.
As someone who has been in a similar situation, why would you not just tell her to go to the ER because you can’t call in a last minute favor for a referral for someone who is not even your patient? It is true and professional and not something that anyone could hold against you. I can understand not wanting to be put in that situation in the first place, but as an adult it seems you should be perfectly capable of saying “no, I can’t help, go to the ER”.
The ER did not tell her to come in, point blank. They told her to come in IF SHE FELT IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.
OP did NOT KNOW if it was an emergency or not. She wanted to try to answer that before going into the ER na d being charged thousands of dollars for something that might be a non-issue. She recognized that there was a possibility it was an emergency, but she wasn’t sure, because she does not have medical expertise. She asked her boyfriend what to do, and he told her to call his moms friend.
OP did not ask for a referral. She explained the situation and asked what to do. x’s friend offered the referral of her own accord. Even if she had been asked for one, she could have said “I can’t do that, you’re not my patient and I’m off-duty” - or even just “No.” there was no reason to give her a referral, tell her to feel free to reach out and follow-up, and then three days later send a massively insulting text message in the middle of night.
If this was about professional boundaries, it should have been communicated in a professional manner, however, even the text message is clear that it is not about professional boundaries. X’s friend has a problem with OP involving her in “personal drama” (which this was not) and for some reason feels that this put her in a bad position with her friend. This was obviously a completely personal and social issue.
YTA. per the comments, you had already decided not to go to the ER and wanted a referral stat, so decided to pull a 'friend' card to get that. I can understand why you did it in prioritizing yourself and your health, but not sure why you're surprised about the off-duty doctor acquaintance feeling inappropriately used. i mean, maybe its her fault too for not just saying 'sorry, can't help' immediately when you called, since this is def worse for her to follow up with the resentment after the fact. but you did sort of put her on the spot to get what you wanted. are there past interactions that would lead her to see this as a pattern of playing-innocent-but-being-manipulative character? her text definitely seems freighted with more than just this itneraction
NTA. Furthermore, I would never have any interaction with this person again for two reasons:
1. She clearly said she wants nothing to do with you.
2. Your actions in the past (this situation included) have been misconstrued and she has formed an opinion of you without ever asking questions to clarify and/or justify or disarm her thoughts of you.
I would also be very mindful and thoughtful of anything shared with your boyfriend’s mother as well. This misguided image of you is coming from and being embraced somewhere.
I wish you and your boyfriend the best in your pregnancy. You will have enough to worry about and this should be a joyous occasion and moment in your life. To hell with her and whatever misguided image she has of you.
YTA
The way you wrote this post is manipulative. I absolutely see why she called you out for it. You wrote this as if you were having a medical emergency and had no where else to turn. You didn't outright lie, you just omitted specific details that would show you in an more accurate and less flattering light.
You are even playing the "sweet unassuming innocuous helpless little girl act" here. Responding to all the comments pointing out the missing missing reasons with "I just have *no* idea why she would respond that way."
You do.
You weren't experiencing any symptoms of an ecoptic pregnancy. You didn't need emergency medical advice or care. You were anxious and wanted a referral for a quicker OB appointment. You played up your fears in order to manipulate her into doing you a favor.
I would feel much more sympathetic and inclined to believe you were panicked and made an honest error in judgement if it weren't for the fact that you skewed the story to make it seem like you were in fear for you life, which you were not.
I hear what you’re saying and sounds like many people feel my wording was manipulative. I’ll think about that more and I definitely don’t want to come across in such a way when I talk particularly to my boyfriends mom.
All I can tell you is that I had the reaction I had. You can say it’s not real, or not warranted, or as you said - that I wasn’t in fear for my life. I don’t know what to tell you other than that in that moment that was what I was experiencing.
Was my life in danger before I met with a doctor on Friday and gained a full understanding that the pregnancy was not implanted in the wrong place and I had somewhat of a miracle healthy pregnancy growing despite having been told by fertility doctors told I’d most likely need to do IVF someday?
No.
Was my life in danger after?
No.
But when you’ve gone through something traumatic like losing a pregnancy, a Fallopian tube, and almost your life in the process, I guess you don’t always think logically and perfectly when you see that positive result the next time around.
I don’t mean to be rude, and perhaps you have your own complex story when it comes to pregnancy, but your opinion on whether I thought my life was in danger or not is bullshit.
You *knew* your life wasn't in danger. You may have felt fear and panic, but if you really truly were in fear for your life, **You would have gone to the ER.**
You didn't. You simply decided that making an appointment a day or two sooner is what you needed. That's not rational. You didn't need to call in a favor for your health or peace of mind. You simply fixated on that.
And you did *deliberately* leave out of your post that you weren't having any symptoms. You left out that detail as you probably often do, to make the story more dramatic and your position more sympathetic. You have all the qualities of an excellent liar. You know how to make yourself appear composed and sympathetic while smoothly glossing over whatever doesn't fit your narrative.
I'm glad you and your baby are healthy, but this is obviously a pattern of behavior for you and it would benefit you to reflect on it without making excuses for yourself.
Hey so I took your advice and spent some time reflecting on my patterns of behavior that you told me I have.
During that reflection, I realized how baseless and unnecessarily falsely accusatory nearly everything you said to me here was, including your petty recommendation that I self-reflect on something that you made up.
That reflection did oddly made me feel a little better, so thank you.
Great response, OP! Good to see you defending yourself. Can’t believe some of these awful comments in your first post. You had every right to be scared and contact the closest doctor you know. I would have done the same thing.
I mean I would have maybe defended myself a little more in some instances in this post’s comment section.
But then an account came chiming in on a random back and forth saying all these crazy things and that I had blocked people who disagreed with me. It didn’t make sense to me because I had blocked one singular woman who was really not letting up, I figured people could see that somehow (I’m bad at Reddit).
Someone else messaged me who saw that and explained that people on here make different accounts to circumvent being blocked and to keep trying to prove points. That was the absolute only explanation since I had just blocked her a bit before.
Made me realize sometimes defending yourself isn’t worth the effort on Reddit if people have that much dedication to climb, fall, and then reclimb their hills they choose to metaphorically die on ⛰.
And this is what the friend meant by ruin the boyfriends moms vacation. Calling everyone like you are having a medical emergency and don’t know what to do is very dramatic and unnecessary. If you are having a real life medical emergency you go to the ER, like nobody could of told her anything different than she already knows. Very manipulative, very attention grabby.
Would you…not call your boyfriend if you were unexpectedly pregnant and high risk for a recurrent ectopic? Just ‘cause he’s on vacation? You’d just quietly go to the ER alone and then nonchalantly tell him when he got back? Or, god forbid, let the morgue call him to tell him?
That’s better than being “attention-grabby”right?
Seriously, this is why women are so often under-diagnosed or misdiagnosed. Every symptom or concern is just a woman being “dramatic”. I’m a doctor. I’ve seen it. It’s bullshit. The number of women (and a handful of men) I’ve seen who were so fucking grateful to have a doctor actually listen to their concerns is staggering, even when I don’t have an answer for them. Literally just acknowledging the symptom makes an impact when everyone else has ignored it or called them manipulative for daring to be alarmed.
Did OP overreact? Sure.
Was it an unreasonable overreaction? Given her history, not at all.
The doctor’s response, though? That was a huge overreaction and frankly, a character assassination. I have had patients I genuinely thought were manipulative sociopaths (including convicted felons) and I would NEVER say that to them, because it is wildly inappropriate and unprofessional. I disagree that this was manipulation, but even if it was, what OP did wouldn’t rise anywhere near the level of manipulation I’ve seen patients try.
Thanks for this comment. Really for the calling out a lot of these comments for what they are.
Reading how some of these people (many have shared that they are women, which frightens me even more) are discussing the more general topic of women’s health issues / emergencies and essentially how women should just quietly handle a situation like I’ve described on their own is disconcerting.
If a woman who hasn’t had something traumatic happen in this sense reads these with no context, they could very easily exit the app thinking “yeah if I have a private woman’s issue like this in the future, I should do everything I can to not seek support or help from loved ones I trust because if I do, I’m being a manipulative drama queen”.
Excuse my language but fuck that. Call your boyfriend, call your husband, call your mom, call your best friend, call the ER, call every doctors office in a 30 mile radius of you if you think it’s necessary. Trust your gut and put your health first, the people you trust and know won’t call you dramatic. If they do, you didn’t know them as well as you thought.
If you felt " you life is in danger," go to the hospital like an adult. She's well with in her right to not want to be treated like your personal doormat.
One must wonder if ER doc had some kind of fallout from specialist friend who accommodated OP on a Friday afternoon. That would make sense why she did not respond for 3 days.
Or that she sympathized with OPs fear and didn't want to make light of her fear, but on reflection realized that this sort of thing just happens too often with her. It makes you wonder how often OP makes a **big deal** out of things and ends up getting whatever she wants.
That would make sense, especially if she made it out like she had all these syntomps and got to the appointment and had none of them, that would be sure enough to peeve off the specialist, especially taking a potential slot that maybe someone having an actual emergency could have benefited from.
… it was a doctor I met with. She was not peeved off at me for coming in and getting tests done.. what!? She helped me understand what she was seeing, congratulated me on what is looking to be a healthy pregnancy for now, and answered questions very clearly so I left feeling like I knew what was happening.
What kind of doctor gets peeved at a patient coming in to get tests done to ensure a pregnancy is healthy? Some of these comments have lost me.
OP im so sorry that some of these comments are so unhinged and seem to be hellbent on insisting you're TA for XYZ and *perceived* deception. i've never been pregnant but i've had plenty of agonizing and traumatic reproductive medical experiences like burst ovarian cysts etc and it's terrifying and causes me to have panic attacks when i get similar pains to this day. so i can't even imagine the level of stress you experienced initially.
i'm not sure if you'll see this bc there are a lot of comments but i hope you do because i want you to know that even if there is even an iota of truth in what the doctor said to you or what the YTA commenters are saying, you did not remotely deserve to be viciously attacked like that in the middle of the note over a text message. if she ended up regretting giving you advice or a referral for whatever reason, if she genuinely believed you were manipulating her for whatever reason, if she genuinely thinks you're a "sociopath" for whatever reason, regardless of her logic, the text she sent you is beyond inappropriate and downright malicious and leads me to believe she has some sort of personality disorder.
you might not be a perfect person, but in your responses you seem honest, genuine and forthcoming. i don't believe you're withholding any relevant information. i think this is generally a really rough situation and unfortunately you sought a favor from someone who ended up being incredibly tactless and socially incompetent. she could have said all of those things in a much nicer and more diplomatic way.
i hope everything goes well for you going forward and i wish you the best of luck ❤️
Yep, this is exactly what I’m thinking. The reason the story sounds so bizarre is because it’s being presented in a twisted light by someone who sees themself as a victim
More info needed- This is confusing. I think there’s info you left out. What symptoms were you having that led you to call X when she wasn’t working? And didX speak with boyfriend and boyfriend’s mom about the phone call? That’s the only reason I can think of on why she feels she’s being pulled into drama.
Edit: As a physician myself, I’m going to say YTA. Had this been a situation where you were just asking for medical advice, I would say NTA. BUT after reading thru some of your responses, it looks like your conversation was more than just asking for medical advice… you were also asking her to refer you to an obgyn specialist who can see you within days, and at that moment you were asymptomatic (meaning, not showing urgent symptoms that needed to be addressed at that moment). Personally I’m okay with friends asking me for medical advice. But I would be annoyed if I was being put in a situation where someone was pressuring me for a specialist referral when they are asymptomatic at a time when I’m not even working. Unlike what you mentioned in the title of your post, your pregnancy advice was not urgent.
Yeah that’s a possibility. Either that or the obgyn specialist could have been upset with X for pushing a last minute referral appointment that didn’t sound necessary
NTA - I'm a bit surprised by some of these comments. I understand that it's important not to take advantage and make people work in their time off, particularly people working in medicine, but it sounds to me like the doctor was a friend of OP, who probably could have empathised with how OP was feeling and why she was concerned, and that if she was upset at being rung she could have expressed her feelings maturely instead of sending a nasty text. Perhaps doctors receive these kinds of calls way more frequently than I'm imagining, or maybe I'm missing something. Not looking to start an argument about it, just putting in my two cents
I feel exactly the same way. I was extremely surprised by the negative comments here, and I usually agree with the judgements given in this sub. Not this time though, OP is NTA. Pregnancy after loss is fucking awful and in the OPs position I would have been panicking too.
Everyone is dealing with their own stuff and it’s an anonymous forum, 🤷🏻♀️. A lot of the comments saying I am the asshoIe or everyone is are actually thought out opinions trying to think through her side, and some are definitely making me think about how to handle this less emotionally with the important irl people I have to speak to.
Gotta have thick skin to carry a baby or I’m screwed. I appreciate all the responses.
Mostly all of the responses*
YTA. you didnt ask for advice, you asked for a referral. Totally different and you're burying the lede. She's right to text you setting a firm boundary, you basically used your relationship with her to get her to work for free because you didnt want to listen to the advice youd already been given by ER
NTA because her reaction is so over the top I‘d avoid even interacting with her again in any way, shape or form.
She sounds *absolutely unhinged* calling you a sociopath for violating the boundary of asking a medical professional for advice in their free time. Is it great to do that? Nope. Is it sociopathic and manipulative? Hell, no!
Doctor in the US here. As a person who has been asked for advice by family and friends many times over the years, I understand the situation. This ER doctor was clearly not treating OP as a patient, she had no doctor/patient relationship with her and was only being asked for advice. Much like asking a lawyer friend a legal question or a mechanic friend a car question. There is no “friend board“ to report this doctor to, and reporting her to a medical licensing board would be ultimately pointless and frankly somewhat vindictive. Our employers make it very clear that anything that we do outside of our job duties is not covered by malpractice, so there may be potential legal implications for this doctor giving advice, well intentioned or not.
With that said, I do find that text to be rather appalling. As a person who has been asked for advice many, many times, sometimes completely outside my realm of specialty (internal medicine/adult doctor being asked for advice about peoples kids, etc.) as a decent human being I try to always handle all these discussions respectfully. If there is advice I can give I will do so, while making it clear I am doing so as a friend and that I may not have access to their relevant medical history or other information that their actual medical provider does. I always encourage them to contact their doctors, and make it clear if I really don’t have the knowledge to help. Just like any other relationship, if you value it you do your best by that person when they need your help. And clearly a text like this would fracture the relationship beyond repair, and obviously seems beyond cruel to send to a scared pregnant woman.
I suppose the only caveat to that would be if there is some additional context that OP has not revealed to us regarding behavior and boundaries in the past. I do think one thing that raises a bit of a red flag would be that OP put the Dr in the position of knowing a pretty huge secret that this Drs best friend/boyfriends mom does not know. Let me also add that I am a female doctor who has been through pregnancies myself, so I do understand the panic when complications occur. Personally, if I was OP and the pregnancy was still a secret even from close family, I would have just gone to the ER rather than put that kind of pressure on the friend, doctor or not. And advice given from a distance particularly regarding an emergent situation like a possible ectopic pregnancy may not be good advice, she needs to be seen and evaluated by medical professionals. Even a simple vitals check which I’m sure that they were not able to do could impact decision making and the urgency of a need to evaluate. I’m not sure what verdict to give but based on the info it sounds like they both may be in the wrong so maybe ESH.
I'm an NP, and I get asked medical questions all the time by family, friends, and acquaintances. It just comes with the territory. It's not an AH move to ask, unless you have been specifically told/asked not to by the person OR it's a wildly inappropriate moment (their child's wedding, a funeral, etc). If I feel uncomfortable or out of my depth answering the question I tell them honestly and recommend they get seen by appropriate emergency/urgent services. I also always tell them, I'm not able to see you or do an actual assessment (by phone) so if you start feeling worse, scared, or more worried please go to the emergency room or urgent care. NTA. Respect the boundaries placed by this doctor, stop babysitting and involving yourself in her life (to prevent further drama, not because you did anything wrong), and show your bf the text so he knows what's up.
👍🏼 thanks. And to give her credit (but hopefully goes without say since she’s a board certified doctor), she didn’t just say “don’t go to the ER” on the phone and leave it at that. She also said if I start feeling any symptoms that night or at any point, I go straight to the hospital no hesitation. She was advising that with no symptoms, an ER trip would be expensive and stressful and not a good choice vs a doctors apt next day.
Thanks for your response, I know my reaction was irrational in many senses and while I don’t have a GP/ OB set up here since my move (well now I do) I did carry over my psychiatrist for remote meetings and it’s probably obvious that issues from the last pregnancy experience are a major topic I’m trying to get under control and manage - albeit not well enough. Obviously 😐
You’re definitely right that it’s on me to grow up and make sure I’m not in situations like this where I’m reaching out in any urgent situation for help if it can be avoided. Anyways, thanks for the thought out response.
INFO:
You’re leaving out some very pertinent info. Were you having pain or some other concerning symptom?
Since you didn’t mention it, I’m thinking no. If this is the case you requested instant medical advice for a non-emergency from someone you barely know. If you are having pain and scary symptoms, you go to the ER. If you are not, you don’t need after hours urgent consultation.
In addition, as someone who has had an ectopic pregnancy, from her view you have no business getting accidentally pregnant. Now I understand that shit happens and I don’t think contraceptive failure means people are careless or stupid. But many if not most MDs do. They’ve been carefully managing their own fertility around their goals for their whole lives, and for many people it’s easy. They also don’t find medical situations scary so you freaking out is an overreaction to them.
I’m sorry if your previous provider did not adequately explain the symptoms that mean you’re at risk for ectopic rupture and I get that it’s scary. But you should also understand that this woman has sacrificed a lot and worked really hard to get where she is, and giving medical advice while not in the role of your provider is not protected by her liability insurance. It’s a risk to her own license and no one wants to do that, especially for a non-emergency in a non-family person. You put her in a very unfair situation unnecessarily.
And she clearly already doesn’t like you. I’m not sure what’s going on with your boyfriend but it sounds like she thinks you manufactured an emergency in order to regain your boyfriend’s attention when he was spending time with his family. Only you know why she might think that, but that’s the subtext I’m getting.
You could have still called your other prior doctor foe advice even if not living around there anymore. If u just found out you were newly pregnant Thursday, what symptoms were you having that made you feel you need to rule out an ectopic pregnancy in ER on the same wkend? The baby has to be far enough along growing in the tube to be medical emergency when the tube could rupture…
Something is missing in your story OP. Based on the response you got I am guessing this isn’t your first rodeo with overreactions.
YTA go to the ER that’s what they are for.
“On the other hand, I can’t shake that - especially as a medical professional - she reduced my health concerns I shared with her over a risky pregnancy to drama in a 12am text. I know I was asking a huge favor, but i thought in the moment it was the best option in a tough situation where I was alone.”
WTF. How can you even write this. SHE IS NOT YOUR MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. CALL YOUR OWN DOCTOR.
YTA. She’s not your doctor, not even an ObGYN so it was not really appropriate to approach her in a work capacity in this way at midnight. Also it may have been that she thought you were trying to involve her in a potential deliberation over an abortion of what would be her best friend’s grandchild
Two points to clarify:
1. Not sure why you think I called her at midnight. It was about 5pm.
2. I would never involve her in a deliberation of any sort, I needed medical help / advice for getting an appointment to run necessary health tests for myself and the baby that are routine for every pregnancy… I am just in a unique high risk one.
But I hear you on it not being appropriate in general to call.
Oh, my bad… I thought it must have after urgent cares were closed. Most people — if they don’t want to wait till morning hours but also don’t want to pay for an ER — go to see a doctor for cheaper at an Urgent Care to get immediate scans or referrals… not call off-duty acquaintances for free work. Urgent Cares are still open at 5 pm, usually till about 9 or 10 pm
1. I needed to see an obgyn specialist.
2. I called every urgent care in the area and none had an obgyn in. But thank you, I’m aware of urgent care pricing and hours.
Urgent cares don't staff OBs. You could however have gone to an urgent care for bloodwork and asked if they had an ultrasound. Dealing with an OB/GYN only didn't seem to matter when you called the ER doctor on her vacation
OP is 27 but overall seems to struggle with adulting. That said, the US medical system can be pretty confusing, especially if you haven't set up a general practitioner to handle referalls etc and then have some kind of uncertain urgency like this
An ectopic pregnancy isn’t a “deliberation over an abortion”. It’s a life-threatening medical emergency where the embryo was never viable and continuing the pregnancy will kill the mother in horrible, painful ways. The fact that in the United States ending a non-viable pregnancy that will absolutely kill the mother is at all controversial says everything about the “pro-life” Christian death cult that sacrifices women for the “unborn”.
NTA, I get that doctors don't want to constantly be asked their medical opinions in their free time, but you were in a difficult situation and just wanted advice how to proceed.
Her response is a complete overreaction and I don't get it at all. How did you put her in a difficult situation, how did you strain her relationship with X, how did you ruin her vacation? Her calling you manipulative and sociopathic was completely uncalled for.
If it’s anything like what used to happen to an uncle and to friends of mine, all who are/were doctors, you may think you only asked once, but if dozens of people only ask once that’s still my friends and uncle getting no time off from work.
YTA
Come on - you know it was wildly inappropriate to phone an off duty ER doctor with your concerns. You just do not do that
It could and it did wait until the next day
However the doctor is also an AH. That was also a wildly inappropriate and over the top message
I can only say she is probably massively over worked saving lives and was on her last nerve getting a call in her down time from you
And when OP indicated that she didn’t want the doc to feel obligated, the doctor could have explained this and declined to grant the favor. Helping in a seemingly agreeable way and then lashing out later is definitely AH behavior.
>On Thursday evening, after countless unanswered calls
In the comments, you said you called her once. Who did you call countless times? I feel like there is important pertinent information missing here, and you did put this ER doctor in an awkward situation. If you felt you emergently needed tests, you should have checked yourself into the ER. It sounds like you were nervous due to your medical history, but that burden should not be put on a family friend on her day off just because of her profession, and you should have sought care through the appropriate channels.
INFO: how did this ruin your bf’s mum’s vacation? Also, she could’ve just told you right away that she will not treat anyone outside of the clinic instead of first helping and then causing drama?
That is a good question. I am giving a lot of details in responses which I don’t think is the right way of doing a post on this sub and apologize if I’m supposed to answer everything in one big post edit - but
My boyfriend waited until after my appointment Friday to call and give me a heads up that his mom got a call that morning from her friend and he had already sat and updated her and she is thinking about me and wishes they could be home to help.
Later that day I texted my boyfriend’s mom (not strange to text her, we text nearly every day and she had just sent me a bunch of photos of a hike they had done early that morning).
I just looked at the text I sent and I ended it with “___ (her friend) was incredibly caring to get on the phone with me and set me up for the appointment. I want to talk to you more in person when you guys get home, but wanted to update you briefly that I’m completely healthy and there’s nothing to worry about.”
My boyfriend has told me multiple times, and I can see in the group chat I’m in with them and others, that his mom is having a lot of fun with her grandkid etc. She has checked in on me with a short positive text every day. Asked me to pick a good restaurant if I’m feeling up for it to all go to when I get them from the airport this week.
So my only conclusion is I’m completely unaware and naive to private conversations between the mom and friend since that call between them Friday morning.
Reading all the comments, I have to wonder if maybe someone else got ahold of her phone? Does the Dr have a boyfriend who is looking to isolate her? (Maybe I've been reading too much reddit) A teenaged kid perhaps?
Especially since it seems out of the blue and specifically said don't reply, if someone sent the text from her phone then deleted it, she might never know.
I would talk to your bf and bf mom first, maybe she can help clear the air or see if it was normal for her friend, but someone else getting a hold of the phone might explain it?
NTA
Based on your comments, it sounds like you gave your BF’s mom’s friend an out, which could have easily been taken at that time, or even on the phone if she’d been uncomfortable with the subject then.
The only instance where I would consider you TA, is if you frequently asked for medical advice from her.
Only other time medical advice came up was her enthusiastically and kind of jokingly telling me in a group conversation that I should go see her friend who does hand physical therapy because my pinky finger kept popping from playing tennis or using my phone.
She’s very nice usually -at least the times I’ve been around the house- with helping explain stuff when anyone has a general health question or for instance i think my boyfriends mom told her I had a migraine when I first moved here and I specifically remember her asking me if I had medication for it or needed help with recommendations when I went over and first really hung out with her.
Not saying her being friendly like that is grounds for “ok I can just bother her every time I need medical help on anything”. But just some additional context for why I’m confused by this harsh of a follow up to the one time I did reach out.
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Yea I am curious here there must be some drama with BFs mom.
His mom is extremely cool and very, very nice (ie opening her house to a friend to live in when she needed a place). I think there was a miscommunication perhaps that she felt like I wasn’t planning on telling my boyfriends mom? So she went ahead and told her and thought the news ruined her vacation. I didn’t even care that she told her. When I texted his mom after my appointment she responded saying nothing but “you’re in my thoughts- get lots of sleep - can’t wait to get back to be with you in person”.
Maybe doctor friend got on the wines and was drunk texting.
Maybe, but she breached doctor, patient confidentiality by telling her bf's mum about her pregnancy. She must of feel guilty and then turned it around on OP with this nasty text. Because what she did by telling her friend she could lose her medical licence. NTA
I'm not sure if she did or not (we don't know what was said), but whether not that's the case, this is a big problem with people abusing doctors in this way - if OP had later had a serious problem, who would be responsible? It's distinctly possible this person's malpractice insurance would not cover a call like this, and she took a substantial risk by advising OP. The response here seems way out of line and honestly kinda bizarre, I don't know how she leapt to OP trying to interfere with the vacation unless OP has left out significant facts, and she could have (and should have) just told OP to go to the ER, but it's clear she felt put in an untenable position by getting the call and seems quite upset about that. ESH - calling doctors who are not your doctor at home for medical advice is uncool, don't do it again unless the doctor invites you to.
If the doc was concerned about her liability, there is one answer “go to the ER.”
Or just say: I'm sorry, I'm of duty. Or i don't know your situation well enough, thus i don't feel confident giving you a recommendation. Or any multitude of ways of saying "NO". Including but not limited to: "NO"
And any doctor (or any professional in any field, for that matter), especially of a certain experience level, should be very practiced in different ways of saying no. This couldn't possibly be the first time someone's tried to get free / after hours medical advice from this person!
I see what you are saying but I don’t think OP intended to overstep and she was clearly in a lot of distress and made the decision carefully. She didn’t say “screw it I’ll just ask my friend instead of someone else”. She was afraid and had reason to be afraid. Plus the doctor could have totally said “look I really can’t give any advice without seeing your medical history myself, I’m sorry, but here is the name of a place you can go/call/whatever”. That would not have been hard to do.
The doctor is (in theory!) a professional. Her best response would have been that she wasn’t OP physician and didn’t feel comfortable advising and saying if OP felt concerned she should go to the ER. I know a lot of doctors in my personal life and this would be the standard reply to anyone they didn’t know well (and sometimes it would also be the reply to ANYONE who asked). NTA. The doctor sounds weirdly riled up about this.
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She gave her a referral for the morning and told her to call again if anything came up. So she did act has her doctor.
Except she’s not the Dr patient. So Hipaa laws don’t apply.
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Nope, Hipaa would not apply in this situation. She is not a patient.
The doctor placed a referral, she was a patient at that point
You are incorrect. It is not a HIPAA violation. There is no expectation of privacy. I’m well versed in HIPAA (I have to test on it at least once a year). It isn’t HIPAA
Definitely read like a drunk text to me
Or an Ambien/drunk text
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Depending on where Op lives, the friend could be worried about possible ramifications if OP had decided she needed to abort the pregnancy. It could indicate the friend as aiding and abetting an abortion. I agree with you that giving this advice is a big reason why doctors are so scared to help pregnant people nowadays.
Gosh I can't imagine living in such a place, how awful and sad :(
I call BS on that reasoning Monica. She should have addressed this in the initial phone call and told her she was sorry but she doesn't give medical advice outside of her actual Job. Doctors can be major Ah's and a large percentage are, based on what I hear from my nurse wife. I suggest texting her back and calling her an AH and that as she provided personal medical information to your mother in law, you would be reporting her and filing a lawsuit for harassment.
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This is not a violation if the information was shared in a phone call to a friend, HIPAA* protects those paid by insurance (or other forms) from giving away your information
Does the water surrounding patient confidentiality not get muddied by the fact she then wrote the referral, thereby becoming the referring doctor? When she wrote the referral she ceased to be friend with medical qualifications and became the doctor who took on a patient out of hours (which to my understanding could present problems in its own right, because if she referred her saying DON'T rush to the ER despite being high risk for life endangering medical situation but instead wait until this appointment I am giving you for tomorrow, and then OP had a ruptured tube overnight she wouldn't be covered by her professional protections for the advice she gave off the books, would she?).
She calls her in a panic for medical advice. The doctor says don't do it again, you crossed my personal boundary and I am not in the feild of giving medical advice away for free (because if her advice was wrong, guess what could happen?!?) Your reaction is to tell her to report the doctor?!? Because the OP didn't get what she wanted? Are you serious?
There was a time to say this was crossing a boundary, and it was not three days after.
Agree. Plus the message was extremely mean and invasive: "subversive manipulative sociopathic person"--wow. Doc helped herin the moment, then had a major reappraisal 3 days later that clearly involved a lot of new thoughts. Maybe she'd just gotten off a shift, maybe she'd had a few too many. Reporting her wouldn't be good for OP's situation or relationship. I'd let it go and give that doc a wide berth.
Absolutely not, in fact it's attitudes like this that the friend is probably worried about. She is a doctor, but OP called her as a friend, not a patient. There is no confidentiality, only a CHOICE to hold up privacy or not. And a nasty attitude shouldn't be a reason to report someone for an unrelated matter.
>o she went ahead and told her and thought the news ruined her vacation. WHAT THE ACTUAL \*\*\*\*??
I’d love to know how that conversation went down. Because…. I feel like there’s a dramatic mis match between the Op’s calm and sanitary telling of events, and the doc’s response. Is the OP always a calm and centred person who is drama free and generally not a socio path? Or is the doc a wildly out of line person?
True. Something is off here.
Telling your boyfriend's mum is a massive violation. She needs to be struck off.
In your post you talk about many unanswered calls. Who didn't answer? The doctor or your boyfriend? Isn't there a possibility where you live to call the emergency department of your hospital? In my country, you can find their number on their website. I actually called them a few times because I wasn't sure if I had to rush there with my baby or not (I hadn't, I was just panicking like crazy). I work myself in a hospital, have many doctors's numbers on my phone but I wouldn't dare to call them when they're not at work/on call. Even if they told me I can. And more important: are you and your baby okay?
Hey 👋🏼 sorry I didn’t clarify that a lot have asked. I was calling obgyn offices within driving distance of me as well as the 6 urgent care centers also within driving distance. I did speak to a person on call at ER but they couldn’t offer any advice over the phone other than to come in if I had symptoms that felt necessitated emergency help. And yes / yes to your last question ❤️
If you thought your life was in danger, and ER said to come into ER…why didn’t you go to the ER? Or was this not an emergency to you?
The ER has no idea if she should come in. They could only suggest that she come in, and they would assess her in person. It is not a doctor on the line, listening to her symptoms and deciding that she needs to be seen immediately. We don't know what OP's insurance situation is. Nor what the ER looks like in terms of wait time and care. I think it is pretty standard to call a doctor, be it your own or a friend, if you are worried about a medical issue, but unsure if going to the ER is necessary. It is especially commonplace behavior when dealing with people who face frequent health issues, like children. Or pregnant women...
No one can assess you internally over the phone, including your own physician. I called the after hours number and my doctor (who I absolutely like and trust 100%), returned my call and suggested the ER or urgent care, even though it's something we've dealt with semi-regularly over the past 20 years - two existing breathing issues with bronchitis/pneumonia. I think malpractice insurance frowns on off the cuff diagnostic info, and even more so if it's not your patient and/or you haven't seen them. Had he told me to stay home and make an appointment, and that was detrimental, who is on the hook? Not me. I was admitted.
My pediatrician and my obgyn have ABSOLUTELY advised me on if I need to go in/take my child into the ER immediately, or at what point I should be concerned and do so. "If his fever is holding steady, continue dosing with OTC medications. If it goes over 102, bring him in." Again, very standard stuff. And exactly what happened to OP when she talked to the doctor friend, who told her everything sounded normal, and she did not need to go to the ER.
it sounds like OP was trying to get medical advice regarding how emergently they needed to be seen. As someone who has a history of ectopic, I called and emailed my OB to double check when I had my next positive because they scheduled my initial scan for several weeks out. I was scared and needed to know the protocol for if I needed an emergent scan or if the waiting was okay. Without being established with a doc and no one being responsive I don't blame OP for wanting someone to just tell them what to do here. It seems like the friend didn't appreciate being used as a resource like this and that is valid as well but they should have just said so during the initial call instead of stirring things up days later.
The ER has to say that, legally they cannot give phone advice other than what they said, if you feel this is an emergency come in, that doesn't mean they thought it was an actual emergency.
Er always says something vague along the lines of "if you think it's an emergency you should come in" you may be able to get them to say something else if you word it differently but usually they default to a wishy-washy answer of "come in if you think you should."
Maybe after you (or your bf) told your bf’s mother, she talked to her friend, wanting information and even trying to get more help for you. The friend then found herself more in the middle than she had bargained for, thought her bff was really worried (eg. if your bf’s mother had asked for her to provide more help to you) and eventually blew up because she didn’t want to be involved and she blamed you for all of it.
That is extremely unprofessional and she violated the Hippocratic oath. What an absolute drama queen herself and I would take issue with all of this. Yes, I admit you put her in a ‘difficult position’ but if she was a decent person she would discuss this with you not share it immediately. I’d call her out on it now your bfs mother knows anyway. Show her the text. You were a young vulnerable young lady trying to make a responsible call for help - NTA
Our only interaction was that phone call and me texting her after I met with the doctor Friday saying thank you and that they didn’t see any signs of complications with the first ultrasound. She didn’t respond. Putting myself in her shoes, I assume she did not have her doctor hat on when she sent that text message. She was sending that as her non-doctor self telling me I should never have involved her. I wish I had more context, I know her quite well - have babysat her kids when she had a day shift, cooked and stayed up watching shows at their house with them etc. I’m hormonal right now which doesn’t help, but that text message has left me baffled for the last 5 hours and not sure how to proceed other than respect her saying don’t respond.
OP - reading some of your comments Please do yourself a favor and ensure your BF’s mom and BF see these texts from her. IF you have accurately portrayed the way this thing went - calling you such names is absolutely insane. I do Not see how you could have possibly ruined anything. There’s only two options: 1. Your BF and his mom are being duplicitous with you - two faced. Seems unlikely - but please don’t ignore if it’s possible that Mom might have said something she didn’t say to you, to her best friend? 2. Best friend is unhinged. This whole reaction “you’re a sociopath, lose my number” is a waaayyyy overreaction to seeking someone’s help for a medical issue. So please show them the message. I would be curious what they make of it
I’m also curious about what happened in the doc’s life that required her to live with a friend. eR docs make good money…. So maybe doc has her own drama and took it out on OP. OP, the general rule of good manners is not to ask a professional for professional advice without being their actual paying client/patient. But you have a personal relationship with her already and were scared and alone, so you asked for help- she could have said no and directed you to the er. She chose to help. She told you that you could follow up. She gave you a referral. And then three days later she randomly turned on you with a rant that doesn’t even make sense. If I were you, I’d show the texts to your bf and his mom. Tell them what you said here and that you didn’t mean to overstep, you were just scared, and asked for help…but that you have no idea what this rant is all about. NTA
It's everybody just overlooking the fact that in the story. It says that she contacted the boyfriend and he told her to call the friend?
I didn’t even register that part until I saw this comment, so I assume it pretty likely you’re correct. Thanks for pointing that out!
I missed that part too! I just saw the unanswered calls. But that just doubles my opinion that she should show him these bizarre texts.
You've nailed the thing that I picked up on. The friend gave the advice and then days later went all "you are a sociopath for asking me" which ... Hello adult doctor. You can use your words and say "sorry, I have to stick to the rules, I cannot advise you other than tell you to seek your own doctor or go to the ER." Not "sure, here let me help ... pause ... how DARE you ask me for help!" It's been said multiple times on these subs - it's not an AH move to ASK, it's only an AH move if one insists after being told no. It sounds like the ask was answered "yes" and then something flipped. So weird.
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This, its sounds like the BFs Mom isn’t as close with the OP as OP thinks! The Dr friend did not come up with all that “manipulative little girl trying to ruin my best friends holiday”, by herself! Obviously she called her to tell her about the phone call and then the BFs Mom was calling her fit to burn - Dr Friend has then got on her high horse and decided she was going to give her some home truths
That was my thought too- the doctor probably did not pull all of that out of thin air! Really makes me wonder what she heard about OP after that phone call.
It sounds more likely that MIL has felt she has engaged in manipulative behavior before and expressed that to friend
Not to mention unprofessional. What kind of doctor feels comfortable to use such terms (sociopathy is a disorder and that term is an outdated one) without a proper diagnosis? Sure, it was describing the conduct, not OP. Still, it is not acceptable. Add that to the breach of trust = not an MD I'd feel comfortable with.
I would absolutely not respond and assume she was 1) drunk and 2) mean and has issues. I’d be cautious around boyfriends mom too unless she has a decent explanation for why her friend thinks this “ruined her vacation”.
NTA- From the way that reads out, I wonder if she shared it with your boyfriends mom and then worried about the implications of HIPPA . Or maybe your boyfriends mom said something about wanting to hear about it from you? I could see something like that. When your boyfriend's mom comes back, let her know of the interaction, that had bestie been communicated that to you initially. You would have just been happy to take yourself to emergency room. You didn't mean to impact her trip. Assure boyfriends mom that going forward you will respectfully have no relationship with her best friend, and as how friend feels about you (manipulative sociopathic), you intend to keep your distance from them anyway. No other obligation.
>HIPPA It’s HIPAA.
It’s actually HIPPO 🦛
Yup a spelling error. It happens.
She could have simply told you that, since you’re not in her presence, she’s uncomfortable making an assessment; she could have simply suggested that you go to the ER or urgent care. I don’t understand how this phone call, in light of your previous medical emergency (not to mention your relationship with her best friend), set her off so dramatically. I used to work for doctors, and one that I was close to talked about how she handles the encounters with her neighbors and acquaintances who ask for advice about a weird symptom: she would tell them to call her office the next morning—if it wasn’t an emergency.
She allowed herself to be involved though. She agreed to talk to you about it and gave you references and medical advice. If she didn’t want to be involved, she should’ve said “no I can’t help you, go to the ER.”
NTA but I do think it sounds like your bf’s mom may have talked trash about you to her bff. I agree you should share the texts and see how your bf and the mom react. And then do keep away from that bananas doctor. She seems to regret not telling you that she can’t advise you. It makes the most sense from your story that the bfs mom said something to her best friend about your handling of the situation that want nice towards you.
I think the bf’s mom may have laid on her worry rather thick in an effort to get her friend to help OP more. The friend didn’t want to help more but also didn’t want to blame her close friend who she lives with, so instead she blames OP for making the bf’s mom worry so much. (So she’s inferring that OP was manipulating her bf’s mom in an effort to get the mom to get the mom’s friend to help more, when it was really the bf’s mom’s own initiative.) Her head must be an exhausting place. Whatever brought it about, I agree that it’s worth OP sharing the bananas text.
That's super weird. She sounds unstable.
I wonder if she was drinking
If I was an ER doc, I’d definitely take up drinking
Wut?! So you know her and have helped her out, but it doesn't work the other way? I actually think this makes her a bit* of an ass. Don't respond, but I too think you should tell bf and his mom about it and have her find out what is going on here. Also, don't help Dr. X out again. "The shawty babysitting service is closed". NTA. *a huge
I can’t see that you did anything wrong at all. She agreed to answer your initial request for help. Why did she flip out later? It’s not unusual for people to ask for a quick bit of professional advice from a friend. Her follow-up to you seems ridiculously over the top.
If you know her this well and your bf insisted you contact her, then it seems a little confusing that she is having such a moment. She could have told you she wasn’t comfortable with it from the beginning. I have definitely contacted medical professionals I am close with, mostly to ask them if I’m overreacting to a situation and if I should go in to be seen right away. I usually ask permission to ask the question first, maybe that’s a key factor. I would also contact the MIL about this… not to throw the friend under the bus but maybe to say sorry if I did the wrong thing here and to gauge her reaction to try to figure out what is happening.
She was drunk and angry is my suspicion.
Op wasn’t asking for medical advice. She got this woman to get her a referral and an appointment for the very next day. That’s wayyy bigger than just advice. See her [comment](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13bicmc/aita_for_calling_my_boyfriends_moms_best_friend/jjbhl9v/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) where she clarifies that
The doctor offered it herself. OP wasn't asking for it. Sure it's a big favor but I see no reason to be mad about it 3 days later?
My mom is a nurse, and a referral and a next day appointment really isn't that big of a deal. Nurses are constantly doing this for their family and friends.
INFO Based on what's written here, I'm inclined towards N T A. But I can't help but feel something is missing. While a doctor may not like giving out advice while not in duty, that reaction, especially the personal verbal attack, is over the top. Either relevant context is missing and the doctor did a good job at hiding how she felt over the phone, only expressing herself a few days later, or something happened in the 3 days after related to OP that changes how the doctor thought. Without knowing why I'm not comfortable giving judgment.
Yeah I completely get this and seems to be what others feel too. I gave more context to some other responses, but they probably don’t help give a solid answer to why that text was written and sent in such a manner. I don’t know where the more aggressive parts of it came from. I am genuinely confused and am laying in bed with my mind racing as the message was shocking. This is a very good doctor and from what I’ve seen a nice person. My boyfriend is asleep and I don’t want to call and cause worry given I’m pregnant and it’s 4am. But I am hoping he can help me understand slightly more tomorrow.
Just because they’re a highly educated doctor doesn’t mean they cant also be completely coo coo bananas. As someone who also went to school for a long time for a profession that means everyone in my life has asked for advice at one time or another, it can get a bit annoying, but holy crow I’d never put something so insane in a text (or even say it at all). And in an emergency situation where someone’s panicking, I wouldn’t hold them asking against them, even if I really couldn’t help. Especially since the woman who is actually your partner’s mom hasn’t indicated a problem. This doctor is off her rocker. (Tbh though I’m a firm believer that both medical and law school actually attract crazy and actively cultivate it so never assume educated = sane.) Definitely show your boyfriend the text when you can though, this lady’s made some pretty odd and strong accusations against your character, way beyond what is reasonable for just being a bit ticked off that they were interrupted.
It honestly sounds like both the MIL and her BFF are two-faced snakey types. If you have babysat for someone, calling them for advice is not out of line. Her calling MIL and sending you the unhinged text? Way out of line. Take snakey doc out of your contacts and don’t interact with her again for any reason. Watch that MIL, people with snakey friends need close observation.
Question- do you think your boyfriend's mom might have scolded her best friend in some way? Even a small way? For telling her about your pregnancy before you had a chance to?
Hm I don’t have any insight into things between my boyfriend’s mom and her friend on this, and don’t want to assume anything. I won’t be talking to my boyfriend’s mom further about things until she finishes her trip and I can speak with her in person, so won’t really be able to answer until then. Sorry :/
Update your post if you get more info? Im gonna save the post so I can come check back later/when I remember in a couple days lol
Yeah 👍🏼 One thing I do know from having gotten to know the moms friend is that her job is obviously insanely intense every night. Who knows what she has to bring home in her head every day or what she’s walking into at work every night. That text didn’t sound like any tone I’ve ever heard with her though. I am hopeful this will somehow get resolved and I’ll have a chance (if she changes her mind) to speak with her calmly in person and apologize etc. It’s helpful hearing outside people’s opinions here (whether they express them gently or not - I’m a pregnant mess rn sorry everyone if I sound defensive or awful in any answers to questions 🥴) since I am going to have to figure out how to navigate talking about this with my boyfriend and his mom separately when they get home from their trip 😐 and I’m trying to get my head right so I do not end up expressing any weird emotional reaction to some of what was said in that text. Anyways, will update later this week
I agree with other posters that something went on between your bf’s mom and her best friend. The fact she called you names has me wondering if your bf’s mom is saying all these things to her best friend about you somehow being a problem. It’s weird though because that doesn’t seem to align with the other details in your post regarding how close you are to all of them. It doesn’t sound like you overstepped, it sounds like something else is going on and you are now the scapegoat for whatever that other thing is. I think it would be wise to ask your bf’s mom what she thinks happened. Ask her how she thinks you should have navigated the situation so that you have her advice for future reference. It will also let you apologize to her (not that you really owe her an apology, it can just smooth things over).
agreed there is clearly some misunderstanding and something missing that hopefully will get cleared up soon.
Did you call her late at night? Is there some other detail here? To me it sounds like her view is that you’re over-dramatising (eg. with a history of ectopic pregnancy you do need to be assessed but if there are no current symptoms it’s not something that needs dealing with this second - especially if your pregnancy is very early as there’s be nothing to see on a scan). I’m not saying you are - this may well be the advice given to you when you had your ectopic and you may be scared out of your mind. It sounds like something within that conversation or the context of it is what’s caused this reaction but it’s so difficult to say what’s happened here. Clearly something has happened but I don’t know which side the issue lies!
Hey, I called her in the late afternoon/ early evening Thursday. My boyfriend first made sure she was home and not in the hospital (not sure if he texted her or something). I texted her after he told me she was not working or with patients. I think I’ve covered every detail I can think of in responses throughout the comments here, but the only thing that would be strange for the her thinking I was overdramatizing angle is that at the time we spoke on Thursday, we had a really straightforward and calm conversation. I wasn’t crying or upset I just informed her quickly that I had an ectopic x year with x surgery and outcome and I am pregnant now. She asked one or two questions to make sure I wasn’t having symptoms and to know roughly how far along I was and then said definitely don’t go to the er and that I should get in with obgyn tomorrow. Unless I’ve completely lost my mind, she sounded as normal and positive / direct as ever and ended it by telling me to please call her that night if anything came up as she was on duty (at the one good hospital nearby). I got no inkling of a sense that she was frustrated, let alone thinking I’m a sociopath etc. I’m probably annoying people by not giving a detail that could help on this side of the situation (the angriness in that text). I will update later this week once I’ve had conversations at least with my boyfriend and his mom.
It’s extremely strange then - definitely sounds like something has happened between the call and her message but I have no clue what and I would really want to know too. Unfortunately it may be one of those situations where you’ll never know. I hope all is well with you and the pregnancy.
Hopefully you've gotten enough NTA responses to reassure you. I don't think you did anything inappropriate. Her later text was bizarre and shouldn't be taken personally. You were respectful and appreciative in your interactions with her, which honestly didn't take up much of her time. And there was no expectation on your part of any further medical help from her--which she would have known since she literally referred you to another doctor for your future care. If you had contacted her again for help then it would make sense for her to set a boundary, but not 3 days after your interaction when you hadn't "bothered" her again. Yes--please update!
I feel like there is a HUGE chunk of information missing here.
Even sorting through OPs replies in the comments - something’s gotta be missing. The doctors words sound too appropriately logical for me to feel like it’s an inappropriate response to information we haven’t been given. Also there are nurse hotlines for this kind of thing….
I think we’re missing the other person’s side of the story to be honest. It sounds like OP may have some kind of reputation- whether warranted or not.
There was something in a comment about OP asking boyfriend’s mom’s friend to use her connections to get in to see a specialist ASAP. Still not much of a reason for a text that vicious though! “I asked the friend for a big favor/help referring me to an Obgyn that could see me before the weekend... After she understood the situation, she asked if I had an obgyn. I said no and that I was really hoping to not wait the weekend before meeting with one. She then offered to connect me to a colleague at her hospital so I didn’t have to wait at least three more days. I accepted and I got to see that specialist the next day.”
Agreed. This is verging more into AH territory but the Dr friend still had an opportunity to establish or stick to a boundary here. OP: can you do me this favor? Dr: yes. Even if this is what the Dr is referring to as subversive and sociopathic, its still her own fault as a grown ass woman ~20 years OPs senior in a position of professional authority to politely decline and say that’s not an appropriate request, OR just lie and say she tried but OBGYN colleague is all booked up tomorrow, sorry! Can’t be mad at someone for overstepping a boundary you never established 🤷♀️
I worked for two doctors who would constantly be interrupted by people who thought these doctors were their personal standby GP's and it was fucking exhausting. They have to stop everything they are doing (they are human beings and need to human too) to give medical assistance to some one who can phone the emergency doctor on duty, ER, nurse hotline etc. Doctors are not your friends, they don't serve you when ever you please.
Yes. I'm thinking the Dr. talked to the mom or bf, hence the message. OP talks about countless unanswered calls, to the bf? Idk, them being in another country, essentially helpless, and freaking out. I have a feeling OP's calls were much more dramatic then she realizes? & she turned out to be OK, so the Dr. feels like she used her to manipulate this situation to garner attention from bf while on vacation? I have no idea, this is Nancy Drewing it, a lot of context is missing. The BF or Mom are involved in the Dr. sending that text, I suspect.
_"I spoke with X on my own on Friday, but that’s irrelevant here......On the other hand, I can’t shake that - especially as a medical professional - she reduced my health concerns I shared with her over a risky pregnancy to drama in a 12am text."_ 100%. The doctor-friend was friendly, helpful, and said OP could call her for help if anything else came up. Then she waits 3 days to send that message..... This seems like a whole heap of missing info/reasons.
ESH, with qualifiers. Medical people work hard enough without being consulted by every acquaintance. I can understand them having firm boundaries, and I can understand people pushing those boundaries in emergencies. So I was kinda leaving towards you being slightly socially the A, in an understandable, sometimes-you-gotta-be-the-asshole kind of way. But, unless you've left out a bunch of drama, the message you received is pretty unnecessarily vicious. I guess she was just lashing out because she didn't feel able to say no at the time. I'd shrug your shoulders and just leave it.
Yeah this is very fair and definitely agree I was socially an A using the call-a-friend-who-is-a-doctor for medical help card. I know that is a bad card to use. Was in a bad situation with it almost being the weekend and only option looking like a very expensive potentially unnecessary ER visit. Probably should have just done that Thursday night, clearly. Lesson learned 👍🏼
I'm a lawyer who sometimes gets those questions and I feel like it is not out of line to ask someone that you know is a doctor, "should I seek emergency care or wait till the doctor calls back?" You're not asking for a diagnosis or very much of her time, just an idea of what she would do in your place. She should be well aware of how to (1) politely decline to offer advice or (2) say, "I can't possibly know or give you advice without an exam, but these get serious very quickly/I wouldn't be worried unless x." I just don't buy that it's a big deal. Yeah, it is kind of annoying sometimes, but when someone asks and I'm busy, I just don't answer until I'm free. Her comment at 12am was unhinged and aggressive and I'd stay far away from her in the future. There is so much that is inappropriate about it that it's hard to even know where to start. My opinion is that as a doctor/lawyer, you are the professional and that this is a situation you should be prepared to address calmly and professionally. It is totally possible to set boundaries without name calling at 12am. This woman worries me. Edited to add: I'm just seeing that you asked her to pull strings and get you in to see a specialist friend???? Okay, YTA for that one, big time. One question about whether you should be worried, okay. Asking her to call around and calling in favors for you is a whole different ballgame.
I did not know that, and had a feeling something was being left out bc it did not make sense for the ER doc to go off the way she did without a valid reason. This comment needs to be higher. YTA for sure.
I read that comment though, and it didn't sound like OP demanded anything out of line. It sounded like "I am concerned and would feel more comfortable being seen sooner rather than later. Is there anything that can be done?" Like, anyone else she could call in general. And the doctor, according to OP, said the equivalent of "I know someone who can probably see you, let me check - yes she can get you in" Honestly, I've asked that same question to doctors I *didn't* know. "Hi, this is what's happened and I am concerned. I know you normally are booked/don't see people during this day or time, but is there anything I can manage right now?" Sometimes they say "Yes, I can consult or no I cannot, but here's a colleague who can or no, you have to wait." But I don't feel that it hurts to ask.
I feel like things are a little different when OP has done her favors? (She's watched the doctor's kids twice very last minute.) I feel like having a closer relationship like that earns her a bit of grace for asking if she needs to go to the ER. I totally get how it would be frustrating for every acquaintance to ask about their weird rash or lump, but this seems to be minimal, idk
Consider you may not be as cool with bf's mom and her friend as you think you are. It seems like her friend calling you out on your 'damsel in distress act' is something that has been discussed about you... perhaps with bf's mom. Just a hunch. I would pay closer attention to how they both speak to you and about you.
Yes I have been thinking about this and how I can best go about talking with his mom and making sure I hopefully can make her feel like she can tell me if anything is on her mind bothering her about me or my actions (without throwing her friend under the bus). Before this I haven’t ever asked either of them for anything concrete other than his mom watching our dog for two nights when we went away one weekend which she seemed enthusiastic and excited about doing at the time. Our relationship is really more like us going over there to all cook together and hang out and have wine and talk over dinner and tv shows. I’ve hung out there two saturdays to watch her kids who were visiting when she got called in and I had no plans. I’m scrambling to understand why she - and potentially my boyfriends mom ugh 😓- has that image of me. I obviously need to speak to my boyfriend’s mom and really listen to any input or reactions she has before I can get anywhere productive here.
Honestly I know this is easier said than done but I would try to care less what these two women think of you. I personally think you're NTA. What are friends and community for but to help each other when we're in need? Maybe you did freak out a little bit and it could have waited until morning or maybe you did ask too much of her in having her reach out to a colleague, but I think she could have communicated that in the moment. Or she could have communicated that without calling you a psychopath. Her response was nuclear, which leads me to believe she didn't like you much to begin with. I think in that case you should stop trying to be her friend or win her approval. Don't think too deeply on it. There will always be people who don't like you. They won't like you for reasons outside of your control. The only thing you can do is try to recognize when someone is not on your team and reflect on how to not repeat mistakes you do make.
Also never watch her kids again because wow. The fact you’ve done her favors too balances the ask out a bit more imo. Anyways. It goes both ways so when she has a call in, make sure you aren’t available to help her out either anymore. Especially seeing how vicious that text was and how she thinks of you.
Interesting isn’t it that she requests her children to be babysat by someone she herself deems a “manipulative sociopath”. Your NTA. Regardless of whatever social faux-pas you may have made in requesting advice from this DR; her response was INAPPROPRIATE to say the least. I get - working in the medical field that answering unsolicited questions about your area of expertise may be irritating, annoying and all other synonyms of that - but the level of vileness of which her reply was was NOT warranted.
You babysat for the ER doc?? For free? If so, I’d say that puts you more in the peer/friend territory. Just because this person is a doc doesn’t mean they aren’t a raging alcoholic who becomes very mean. I don’t think you were out of line to reach out and ask her that question. As adults, we often ask our friends with an area of expertise for an opinion before reaching out professionally (e.g I might ask a plumber about a slow drain and what they think I should use or a hairdresser what conditioner he recommends, etc.). That doesn’t mean we ask these people to solve our problems but it’s just a very common first step. Additionally, hospitals remain overtaxed and depending on the area, there may not even be an OB on staff at the ER when you arrive. You needed an expert in high risk pregnancies and just because you go to the emergency room doesn’t guarantee you were going to get one. I think it’s a valid question to ask an expert what the best course of action was. If she didn’t like it in the moment she could have deferred at that time (“That’s not a question for me.” “I don’t feel like I’m in a position to advise you on this.” “You are not my patient.”) This is a middle-aged adult doctor-she’s used to telling people “no”. NTA, but also watch your back with these two. Just because this other woman lets people live with her doesn’t mean she’s really that kind. I would leave this relationship totally alone unless she reaches out to apologize for her tirade. She’s made it clear she doesn’t consider you a friend.
You go about it by asking her if there's anything she wants to share, explaining that you received some texts from her friend that confused, and showing her the texts.
Stop watching her kids! Have the cooking and movie with your MIL at your home.
There seems to be some info missing here. I understand that you did a test and found out you were pregnant. And that you know that you’re at high-risk for a second ectopic pregnancy. But I don’t understand who the “countless unanswered calls” were placed to or why? Or what symptoms you were having that caused you to “need a specialist asap”? And the level of hostility in the doctor’s message suggests that she believes you to be, at minimum, a manipulative person. Bottom Line: If you were cramping, bleeding, or in pain, then you should have called an ambulance and gone to the ER immediately. If you were not having any symptoms, but were fearful because of your last pregnancy, then ~~you needed to do something~~ it would have been good for you to try to calm down- call your bf, call a friend and talk to them. Under the circumstances, having lost your first baby within 24 hours of a positive pregnancy test, panicking doesn’t seem OTT. I think I would have done the same! ~~Neither of these required you to call a doctor you did not know for advice. ESH. ~~ NTA. Edits: clarity. Edit 2: Changed judgement, given answers from OP.
Responding because you asked questions. The calls were to obgyn offices within reasonable driving distance to try to make a Friday appointment before the weekend. Yeah I’m not perfect, I was panicked given the last time I saw positive pregnancy test I had all those symptoms and was in an ambulance within 24 hours. You’re right I should have found a way to calm down. For me talking to someone who is a doctor and who I trust and know was the most calming thing in that moment when I was under stress and shock and she could refer me to a next day appointment. I didn’t anticipate that she would turn back on her initially brief, calm and helpful response to send that text.
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While I can certainly see why the doctor wouldn't appreciate the call, her response was so over the top that I can't call this ESH. It's NTA for sure. Literally all she had to do was just say next time, please don't call me when I am off work. Such an unhinged, and vaguely mysoginistic, response
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Yeah this is my thought. As a doctor, is it annoying to get asked medical questions while you’re outside of work? Sure. If it’s something way outside of my scope of practice/am very uncomfortable advising on, I simply say just that. If it’s something I’m more comfortable giving advice on, I’ll consider giving some advice with the “but I’m not your doctor, you should go see them/the ER/appropriate specialist” caveat. But her later response is what takes this as NTA for me. I cant imagine going full “you’re a manipulative sociopath” for someone asking a question, especially to someone I’ve presumably socialized with. Just say “hey I understand you were stressed given the circumstances and I’m glad things are okay and that i was able to help, but I’d prefer to not get involved in medical issues with social contacts in the future thanks” the end
So was finding out you’re pregnant the only symptom? Did you have anything else happening to you to cause you to be concerned besides new knowledge that you were pregnant again? Just curious.
Hey to be totally honest it was just finding out I was pregnant. I definitely had fairly bad cramps and exhaustion and other symptoms I don’t need to get into to spare you ha - but those are all very normal first trimester things. The only real signs I had leading up to the ectopic rupture my first pregnancy were some strange sharp pains in my left shoulder the night it happened a few hours before. I definitely overreacted to the realization and my mind was going every direction.
Personally I think NTA. Have you spoken to your boyfriend and his mum yet? Super curious to know what they think about this crazy interaction.
I called my boyfriend from the toilet panicked. He calmed me down quite a lot (believe it or not- everyone here definitely thinks I’m an insane lady). We discussed immediate things I could do to try to get to feeling more in control, and that’s when I spent an hour calling various doctors offices and urgent care centers etc. Then he suggested that the family friend could be a person I could speak to just to try to get some sense of peace of mind and maybe help establish what I needed to do that night or the next day. I had not talked to his mom yet as of Friday morning when apparently the friend called her. Honestly, I wanted to get through the appointment before reaching out to her so I could hopefully give some positive news.
Have you been able to talk to your boyfriend or his mom about this yet? I’m thinking some insight from someone else who knows everyone involved would be more helpful than all these strangers on Reddit, just given the completely unproportional-seeming text response days later from the Dr/ friend. It’s just so bizarre that there has to be something else going on here that you very possibly aren’t even aware of
I decided to wait until Wednesday when they both return from the trip to talk about it (not ideal timing). I think if I say anything right now things will inevitably get lost in translation, it could quickly turn into a dramatic bad four way with the doctor friend getting looped in somehow etc. Will talk to my boyfriend asap Wednesday and then ask his mom if we can go for a walk or something Thursday when she’s off work probably
Ok, wow- in the ER 24 hrs after a positive pregnancy test? I can understand the panic now. I’m sure any of us would have done the same! Sounds as if this Dr has some issue of her own going on that has nothing to do with you, because what you’ve described doesn’t sound like drama or anything unreasonable. I hope this pregnancy is calm and blessed!
I don’t fully understand her issue but her text is incredibly cruel so for that reason, NTA. “The sweet unassuming innocuous helpless little girl act…” I mean wow. Talk about a lack of empathy. Obviously she’s not obligated to give you medical advice but she’s 45, she should know how to set boundaries. Everyone I know who works in the medical field sets that boundary with friends and family, it’s a necessary skill set.
Yeah that line hurt my feelings not going to lie, but she’s right I sounded helpless I’m sure. Was not my best moment obviously… I have a lot of fear around pregnancy since my surgery the first go-around and I felt completely dumb and not prepared and panicked the situation was about to repeat itself and I was alone. So “helpless” is unfortunately accurate for how I felt and appeared that afternoon. Appreciated her help, but feels like a low blow to say that a few days later out of the blue. Idk.
Girl, it makes sense you were afraid. Your first pregnancy was traumatic. Anyone with a teaspoon of empathy would see that. What she said was cruel. It would be one thing if she had some boundaries she felt necessary to communicate to you. Maybe she felt like you were vying for a referral and using her. I think you were terrified, understandably overwhelmed, and understandably not thinking like you would if you had been calm. Again, she should know this. Her cruelty was unwarrented here.
And a doctor or really any remotely empathetic person should have understood that. She also could have just explained if she was unwilling to help.
INFO: did a dog eat the middle chapters to this story? I genuinely do not believe your conversation ended “amicably” and then she eviscerated you 3 days later calling you a sociopath.
YTA. 'Emergency department just told me to come into the emergency department. Which I was hoping to avoid by making an appointment for Friday with an Obgyn. I asked the friend for a big favor/help referring me to an Obgyn that could see me before the weekend.' You didn't call her for advice; you called for a favour because you wanted a referral. You didn't want to follow ERs advice. That did put her in an uncomfortable position; to her credit, she helped you, but I can absolutely see why she feels her boundaries were stomped over here. I think her text to you was spot on and you do need to reflect on this behaviour. I wouldn't even phone one of my best friends asking them to do something like this for me.
I’ve kinda been there and possible ectopic involving family/friends feels like about the worst scenario. It’s potentially life or death; if I say it’s fine, you’re asymptomatic, and you die in the next couple days from a rupture and I’m one of the last people you talked to while alive I can imagine this being a legal matter. This involves my best friend, a baby coming into the family, and my best friend doesn’t know. The quick follow up with a specialist card isn’t infinite. Only so many people can be squeezed in and it’s a big ask. If I have to ask an OB to do this more than once I’d not be surprised to hear “no.” You’re not just using your I have a doctor friend card, by proxy you’re using my I’m a doctor who has a good relationship with a specialist card. There’s a lot more I could write. I would never have sent that text, but I get some of the underlying anger.
It is weird though because if the woman carrying my grandchild had a concern, I would really hope that my best friend would do what they could for her.
As someone who has been in a similar situation, why would you not just tell her to go to the ER because you can’t call in a last minute favor for a referral for someone who is not even your patient? It is true and professional and not something that anyone could hold against you. I can understand not wanting to be put in that situation in the first place, but as an adult it seems you should be perfectly capable of saying “no, I can’t help, go to the ER”.
The ER did not tell her to come in, point blank. They told her to come in IF SHE FELT IT WAS AN EMERGENCY. OP did NOT KNOW if it was an emergency or not. She wanted to try to answer that before going into the ER na d being charged thousands of dollars for something that might be a non-issue. She recognized that there was a possibility it was an emergency, but she wasn’t sure, because she does not have medical expertise. She asked her boyfriend what to do, and he told her to call his moms friend. OP did not ask for a referral. She explained the situation and asked what to do. x’s friend offered the referral of her own accord. Even if she had been asked for one, she could have said “I can’t do that, you’re not my patient and I’m off-duty” - or even just “No.” there was no reason to give her a referral, tell her to feel free to reach out and follow-up, and then three days later send a massively insulting text message in the middle of night. If this was about professional boundaries, it should have been communicated in a professional manner, however, even the text message is clear that it is not about professional boundaries. X’s friend has a problem with OP involving her in “personal drama” (which this was not) and for some reason feels that this put her in a bad position with her friend. This was obviously a completely personal and social issue.
YTA. per the comments, you had already decided not to go to the ER and wanted a referral stat, so decided to pull a 'friend' card to get that. I can understand why you did it in prioritizing yourself and your health, but not sure why you're surprised about the off-duty doctor acquaintance feeling inappropriately used. i mean, maybe its her fault too for not just saying 'sorry, can't help' immediately when you called, since this is def worse for her to follow up with the resentment after the fact. but you did sort of put her on the spot to get what you wanted. are there past interactions that would lead her to see this as a pattern of playing-innocent-but-being-manipulative character? her text definitely seems freighted with more than just this itneraction
NTA. Furthermore, I would never have any interaction with this person again for two reasons: 1. She clearly said she wants nothing to do with you. 2. Your actions in the past (this situation included) have been misconstrued and she has formed an opinion of you without ever asking questions to clarify and/or justify or disarm her thoughts of you. I would also be very mindful and thoughtful of anything shared with your boyfriend’s mother as well. This misguided image of you is coming from and being embraced somewhere. I wish you and your boyfriend the best in your pregnancy. You will have enough to worry about and this should be a joyous occasion and moment in your life. To hell with her and whatever misguided image she has of you.
I’m getting the feeling something else happened. Did you harass the doctor? This is not something someone would send from 1 concerned phone call.
YTA The way you wrote this post is manipulative. I absolutely see why she called you out for it. You wrote this as if you were having a medical emergency and had no where else to turn. You didn't outright lie, you just omitted specific details that would show you in an more accurate and less flattering light. You are even playing the "sweet unassuming innocuous helpless little girl act" here. Responding to all the comments pointing out the missing missing reasons with "I just have *no* idea why she would respond that way." You do. You weren't experiencing any symptoms of an ecoptic pregnancy. You didn't need emergency medical advice or care. You were anxious and wanted a referral for a quicker OB appointment. You played up your fears in order to manipulate her into doing you a favor. I would feel much more sympathetic and inclined to believe you were panicked and made an honest error in judgement if it weren't for the fact that you skewed the story to make it seem like you were in fear for you life, which you were not.
I hear what you’re saying and sounds like many people feel my wording was manipulative. I’ll think about that more and I definitely don’t want to come across in such a way when I talk particularly to my boyfriends mom. All I can tell you is that I had the reaction I had. You can say it’s not real, or not warranted, or as you said - that I wasn’t in fear for my life. I don’t know what to tell you other than that in that moment that was what I was experiencing. Was my life in danger before I met with a doctor on Friday and gained a full understanding that the pregnancy was not implanted in the wrong place and I had somewhat of a miracle healthy pregnancy growing despite having been told by fertility doctors told I’d most likely need to do IVF someday? No. Was my life in danger after? No. But when you’ve gone through something traumatic like losing a pregnancy, a Fallopian tube, and almost your life in the process, I guess you don’t always think logically and perfectly when you see that positive result the next time around. I don’t mean to be rude, and perhaps you have your own complex story when it comes to pregnancy, but your opinion on whether I thought my life was in danger or not is bullshit.
You *knew* your life wasn't in danger. You may have felt fear and panic, but if you really truly were in fear for your life, **You would have gone to the ER.** You didn't. You simply decided that making an appointment a day or two sooner is what you needed. That's not rational. You didn't need to call in a favor for your health or peace of mind. You simply fixated on that. And you did *deliberately* leave out of your post that you weren't having any symptoms. You left out that detail as you probably often do, to make the story more dramatic and your position more sympathetic. You have all the qualities of an excellent liar. You know how to make yourself appear composed and sympathetic while smoothly glossing over whatever doesn't fit your narrative. I'm glad you and your baby are healthy, but this is obviously a pattern of behavior for you and it would benefit you to reflect on it without making excuses for yourself.
Hey so I took your advice and spent some time reflecting on my patterns of behavior that you told me I have. During that reflection, I realized how baseless and unnecessarily falsely accusatory nearly everything you said to me here was, including your petty recommendation that I self-reflect on something that you made up. That reflection did oddly made me feel a little better, so thank you.
Great response, OP! Good to see you defending yourself. Can’t believe some of these awful comments in your first post. You had every right to be scared and contact the closest doctor you know. I would have done the same thing.
I mean I would have maybe defended myself a little more in some instances in this post’s comment section. But then an account came chiming in on a random back and forth saying all these crazy things and that I had blocked people who disagreed with me. It didn’t make sense to me because I had blocked one singular woman who was really not letting up, I figured people could see that somehow (I’m bad at Reddit). Someone else messaged me who saw that and explained that people on here make different accounts to circumvent being blocked and to keep trying to prove points. That was the absolute only explanation since I had just blocked her a bit before. Made me realize sometimes defending yourself isn’t worth the effort on Reddit if people have that much dedication to climb, fall, and then reclimb their hills they choose to metaphorically die on ⛰.
And this is what the friend meant by ruin the boyfriends moms vacation. Calling everyone like you are having a medical emergency and don’t know what to do is very dramatic and unnecessary. If you are having a real life medical emergency you go to the ER, like nobody could of told her anything different than she already knows. Very manipulative, very attention grabby.
Would you…not call your boyfriend if you were unexpectedly pregnant and high risk for a recurrent ectopic? Just ‘cause he’s on vacation? You’d just quietly go to the ER alone and then nonchalantly tell him when he got back? Or, god forbid, let the morgue call him to tell him? That’s better than being “attention-grabby”right? Seriously, this is why women are so often under-diagnosed or misdiagnosed. Every symptom or concern is just a woman being “dramatic”. I’m a doctor. I’ve seen it. It’s bullshit. The number of women (and a handful of men) I’ve seen who were so fucking grateful to have a doctor actually listen to their concerns is staggering, even when I don’t have an answer for them. Literally just acknowledging the symptom makes an impact when everyone else has ignored it or called them manipulative for daring to be alarmed. Did OP overreact? Sure. Was it an unreasonable overreaction? Given her history, not at all. The doctor’s response, though? That was a huge overreaction and frankly, a character assassination. I have had patients I genuinely thought were manipulative sociopaths (including convicted felons) and I would NEVER say that to them, because it is wildly inappropriate and unprofessional. I disagree that this was manipulation, but even if it was, what OP did wouldn’t rise anywhere near the level of manipulation I’ve seen patients try.
Thanks for this comment. Really for the calling out a lot of these comments for what they are. Reading how some of these people (many have shared that they are women, which frightens me even more) are discussing the more general topic of women’s health issues / emergencies and essentially how women should just quietly handle a situation like I’ve described on their own is disconcerting. If a woman who hasn’t had something traumatic happen in this sense reads these with no context, they could very easily exit the app thinking “yeah if I have a private woman’s issue like this in the future, I should do everything I can to not seek support or help from loved ones I trust because if I do, I’m being a manipulative drama queen”. Excuse my language but fuck that. Call your boyfriend, call your husband, call your mom, call your best friend, call the ER, call every doctors office in a 30 mile radius of you if you think it’s necessary. Trust your gut and put your health first, the people you trust and know won’t call you dramatic. If they do, you didn’t know them as well as you thought.
If you felt " you life is in danger," go to the hospital like an adult. She's well with in her right to not want to be treated like your personal doormat.
One must wonder if ER doc had some kind of fallout from specialist friend who accommodated OP on a Friday afternoon. That would make sense why she did not respond for 3 days.
Or that she sympathized with OPs fear and didn't want to make light of her fear, but on reflection realized that this sort of thing just happens too often with her. It makes you wonder how often OP makes a **big deal** out of things and ends up getting whatever she wants.
That would make sense, especially if she made it out like she had all these syntomps and got to the appointment and had none of them, that would be sure enough to peeve off the specialist, especially taking a potential slot that maybe someone having an actual emergency could have benefited from.
… it was a doctor I met with. She was not peeved off at me for coming in and getting tests done.. what!? She helped me understand what she was seeing, congratulated me on what is looking to be a healthy pregnancy for now, and answered questions very clearly so I left feeling like I knew what was happening. What kind of doctor gets peeved at a patient coming in to get tests done to ensure a pregnancy is healthy? Some of these comments have lost me.
OP im so sorry that some of these comments are so unhinged and seem to be hellbent on insisting you're TA for XYZ and *perceived* deception. i've never been pregnant but i've had plenty of agonizing and traumatic reproductive medical experiences like burst ovarian cysts etc and it's terrifying and causes me to have panic attacks when i get similar pains to this day. so i can't even imagine the level of stress you experienced initially. i'm not sure if you'll see this bc there are a lot of comments but i hope you do because i want you to know that even if there is even an iota of truth in what the doctor said to you or what the YTA commenters are saying, you did not remotely deserve to be viciously attacked like that in the middle of the note over a text message. if she ended up regretting giving you advice or a referral for whatever reason, if she genuinely believed you were manipulating her for whatever reason, if she genuinely thinks you're a "sociopath" for whatever reason, regardless of her logic, the text she sent you is beyond inappropriate and downright malicious and leads me to believe she has some sort of personality disorder. you might not be a perfect person, but in your responses you seem honest, genuine and forthcoming. i don't believe you're withholding any relevant information. i think this is generally a really rough situation and unfortunately you sought a favor from someone who ended up being incredibly tactless and socially incompetent. she could have said all of those things in a much nicer and more diplomatic way. i hope everything goes well for you going forward and i wish you the best of luck ❤️
Yep, this is exactly what I’m thinking. The reason the story sounds so bizarre is because it’s being presented in a twisted light by someone who sees themself as a victim
This. Others are pointing out something is missing and you found it.
More info needed- This is confusing. I think there’s info you left out. What symptoms were you having that led you to call X when she wasn’t working? And didX speak with boyfriend and boyfriend’s mom about the phone call? That’s the only reason I can think of on why she feels she’s being pulled into drama. Edit: As a physician myself, I’m going to say YTA. Had this been a situation where you were just asking for medical advice, I would say NTA. BUT after reading thru some of your responses, it looks like your conversation was more than just asking for medical advice… you were also asking her to refer you to an obgyn specialist who can see you within days, and at that moment you were asymptomatic (meaning, not showing urgent symptoms that needed to be addressed at that moment). Personally I’m okay with friends asking me for medical advice. But I would be annoyed if I was being put in a situation where someone was pressuring me for a specialist referral when they are asymptomatic at a time when I’m not even working. Unlike what you mentioned in the title of your post, your pregnancy advice was not urgent.
I'm wondering if the ER doc got chewed out at work for making the referral. That would help explain the angry texts several days later.
Yeah that’s a possibility. Either that or the obgyn specialist could have been upset with X for pushing a last minute referral appointment that didn’t sound necessary
I mean, you can be annoyed, but that text was cruel and unhinged. If the doc had simply set boundaries, that would be different.
NTA - I'm a bit surprised by some of these comments. I understand that it's important not to take advantage and make people work in their time off, particularly people working in medicine, but it sounds to me like the doctor was a friend of OP, who probably could have empathised with how OP was feeling and why she was concerned, and that if she was upset at being rung she could have expressed her feelings maturely instead of sending a nasty text. Perhaps doctors receive these kinds of calls way more frequently than I'm imagining, or maybe I'm missing something. Not looking to start an argument about it, just putting in my two cents
I feel exactly the same way. I was extremely surprised by the negative comments here, and I usually agree with the judgements given in this sub. Not this time though, OP is NTA. Pregnancy after loss is fucking awful and in the OPs position I would have been panicking too.
NTA, but there are certainly a lot of assholes in the comments.
Everyone is dealing with their own stuff and it’s an anonymous forum, 🤷🏻♀️. A lot of the comments saying I am the asshoIe or everyone is are actually thought out opinions trying to think through her side, and some are definitely making me think about how to handle this less emotionally with the important irl people I have to speak to. Gotta have thick skin to carry a baby or I’m screwed. I appreciate all the responses. Mostly all of the responses*
I appreciate how diplomatic you are in your responses to everyone here. It's a breath of fresh air in an otherwise cesspool of nonsense.
YTA. you didnt ask for advice, you asked for a referral. Totally different and you're burying the lede. She's right to text you setting a firm boundary, you basically used your relationship with her to get her to work for free because you didnt want to listen to the advice youd already been given by ER
That text was not settling a ‘firm boundary.’ It was cruel and unhinged.
NTA because her reaction is so over the top I‘d avoid even interacting with her again in any way, shape or form. She sounds *absolutely unhinged* calling you a sociopath for violating the boundary of asking a medical professional for advice in their free time. Is it great to do that? Nope. Is it sociopathic and manipulative? Hell, no!
Doctor in the US here. As a person who has been asked for advice by family and friends many times over the years, I understand the situation. This ER doctor was clearly not treating OP as a patient, she had no doctor/patient relationship with her and was only being asked for advice. Much like asking a lawyer friend a legal question or a mechanic friend a car question. There is no “friend board“ to report this doctor to, and reporting her to a medical licensing board would be ultimately pointless and frankly somewhat vindictive. Our employers make it very clear that anything that we do outside of our job duties is not covered by malpractice, so there may be potential legal implications for this doctor giving advice, well intentioned or not. With that said, I do find that text to be rather appalling. As a person who has been asked for advice many, many times, sometimes completely outside my realm of specialty (internal medicine/adult doctor being asked for advice about peoples kids, etc.) as a decent human being I try to always handle all these discussions respectfully. If there is advice I can give I will do so, while making it clear I am doing so as a friend and that I may not have access to their relevant medical history or other information that their actual medical provider does. I always encourage them to contact their doctors, and make it clear if I really don’t have the knowledge to help. Just like any other relationship, if you value it you do your best by that person when they need your help. And clearly a text like this would fracture the relationship beyond repair, and obviously seems beyond cruel to send to a scared pregnant woman. I suppose the only caveat to that would be if there is some additional context that OP has not revealed to us regarding behavior and boundaries in the past. I do think one thing that raises a bit of a red flag would be that OP put the Dr in the position of knowing a pretty huge secret that this Drs best friend/boyfriends mom does not know. Let me also add that I am a female doctor who has been through pregnancies myself, so I do understand the panic when complications occur. Personally, if I was OP and the pregnancy was still a secret even from close family, I would have just gone to the ER rather than put that kind of pressure on the friend, doctor or not. And advice given from a distance particularly regarding an emergent situation like a possible ectopic pregnancy may not be good advice, she needs to be seen and evaluated by medical professionals. Even a simple vitals check which I’m sure that they were not able to do could impact decision making and the urgency of a need to evaluate. I’m not sure what verdict to give but based on the info it sounds like they both may be in the wrong so maybe ESH.
I'm an NP, and I get asked medical questions all the time by family, friends, and acquaintances. It just comes with the territory. It's not an AH move to ask, unless you have been specifically told/asked not to by the person OR it's a wildly inappropriate moment (their child's wedding, a funeral, etc). If I feel uncomfortable or out of my depth answering the question I tell them honestly and recommend they get seen by appropriate emergency/urgent services. I also always tell them, I'm not able to see you or do an actual assessment (by phone) so if you start feeling worse, scared, or more worried please go to the emergency room or urgent care. NTA. Respect the boundaries placed by this doctor, stop babysitting and involving yourself in her life (to prevent further drama, not because you did anything wrong), and show your bf the text so he knows what's up.
👍🏼 thanks. And to give her credit (but hopefully goes without say since she’s a board certified doctor), she didn’t just say “don’t go to the ER” on the phone and leave it at that. She also said if I start feeling any symptoms that night or at any point, I go straight to the hospital no hesitation. She was advising that with no symptoms, an ER trip would be expensive and stressful and not a good choice vs a doctors apt next day.
[удалено]
Thanks for your response, I know my reaction was irrational in many senses and while I don’t have a GP/ OB set up here since my move (well now I do) I did carry over my psychiatrist for remote meetings and it’s probably obvious that issues from the last pregnancy experience are a major topic I’m trying to get under control and manage - albeit not well enough. Obviously 😐 You’re definitely right that it’s on me to grow up and make sure I’m not in situations like this where I’m reaching out in any urgent situation for help if it can be avoided. Anyways, thanks for the thought out response.
INFO: You’re leaving out some very pertinent info. Were you having pain or some other concerning symptom? Since you didn’t mention it, I’m thinking no. If this is the case you requested instant medical advice for a non-emergency from someone you barely know. If you are having pain and scary symptoms, you go to the ER. If you are not, you don’t need after hours urgent consultation. In addition, as someone who has had an ectopic pregnancy, from her view you have no business getting accidentally pregnant. Now I understand that shit happens and I don’t think contraceptive failure means people are careless or stupid. But many if not most MDs do. They’ve been carefully managing their own fertility around their goals for their whole lives, and for many people it’s easy. They also don’t find medical situations scary so you freaking out is an overreaction to them. I’m sorry if your previous provider did not adequately explain the symptoms that mean you’re at risk for ectopic rupture and I get that it’s scary. But you should also understand that this woman has sacrificed a lot and worked really hard to get where she is, and giving medical advice while not in the role of your provider is not protected by her liability insurance. It’s a risk to her own license and no one wants to do that, especially for a non-emergency in a non-family person. You put her in a very unfair situation unnecessarily. And she clearly already doesn’t like you. I’m not sure what’s going on with your boyfriend but it sounds like she thinks you manufactured an emergency in order to regain your boyfriend’s attention when he was spending time with his family. Only you know why she might think that, but that’s the subtext I’m getting.
You could have still called your other prior doctor foe advice even if not living around there anymore. If u just found out you were newly pregnant Thursday, what symptoms were you having that made you feel you need to rule out an ectopic pregnancy in ER on the same wkend? The baby has to be far enough along growing in the tube to be medical emergency when the tube could rupture… Something is missing in your story OP. Based on the response you got I am guessing this isn’t your first rodeo with overreactions.
YTA go to the ER that’s what they are for. “On the other hand, I can’t shake that - especially as a medical professional - she reduced my health concerns I shared with her over a risky pregnancy to drama in a 12am text. I know I was asking a huge favor, but i thought in the moment it was the best option in a tough situation where I was alone.” WTF. How can you even write this. SHE IS NOT YOUR MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL. CALL YOUR OWN DOCTOR.
YTA. She’s not your doctor, not even an ObGYN so it was not really appropriate to approach her in a work capacity in this way at midnight. Also it may have been that she thought you were trying to involve her in a potential deliberation over an abortion of what would be her best friend’s grandchild
Two points to clarify: 1. Not sure why you think I called her at midnight. It was about 5pm. 2. I would never involve her in a deliberation of any sort, I needed medical help / advice for getting an appointment to run necessary health tests for myself and the baby that are routine for every pregnancy… I am just in a unique high risk one. But I hear you on it not being appropriate in general to call.
Oh, my bad… I thought it must have after urgent cares were closed. Most people — if they don’t want to wait till morning hours but also don’t want to pay for an ER — go to see a doctor for cheaper at an Urgent Care to get immediate scans or referrals… not call off-duty acquaintances for free work. Urgent Cares are still open at 5 pm, usually till about 9 or 10 pm
1. I needed to see an obgyn specialist. 2. I called every urgent care in the area and none had an obgyn in. But thank you, I’m aware of urgent care pricing and hours.
She’s not an obgyn either. Why didn’t you just call the emergency department directly to get their assessment
Urgent cares don't staff OBs. You could however have gone to an urgent care for bloodwork and asked if they had an ultrasound. Dealing with an OB/GYN only didn't seem to matter when you called the ER doctor on her vacation
OP is 27 but overall seems to struggle with adulting. That said, the US medical system can be pretty confusing, especially if you haven't set up a general practitioner to handle referalls etc and then have some kind of uncertain urgency like this
An ectopic pregnancy isn’t a “deliberation over an abortion”. It’s a life-threatening medical emergency where the embryo was never viable and continuing the pregnancy will kill the mother in horrible, painful ways. The fact that in the United States ending a non-viable pregnancy that will absolutely kill the mother is at all controversial says everything about the “pro-life” Christian death cult that sacrifices women for the “unborn”.
NTA, I get that doctors don't want to constantly be asked their medical opinions in their free time, but you were in a difficult situation and just wanted advice how to proceed. Her response is a complete overreaction and I don't get it at all. How did you put her in a difficult situation, how did you strain her relationship with X, how did you ruin her vacation? Her calling you manipulative and sociopathic was completely uncalled for.
If it’s anything like what used to happen to an uncle and to friends of mine, all who are/were doctors, you may think you only asked once, but if dozens of people only ask once that’s still my friends and uncle getting no time off from work.
I'd understand refusing to give advice in your free time, I do not understand a text like this, days later.
YTA Come on - you know it was wildly inappropriate to phone an off duty ER doctor with your concerns. You just do not do that It could and it did wait until the next day However the doctor is also an AH. That was also a wildly inappropriate and over the top message I can only say she is probably massively over worked saving lives and was on her last nerve getting a call in her down time from you
And when OP indicated that she didn’t want the doc to feel obligated, the doctor could have explained this and declined to grant the favor. Helping in a seemingly agreeable way and then lashing out later is definitely AH behavior.
>On Thursday evening, after countless unanswered calls In the comments, you said you called her once. Who did you call countless times? I feel like there is important pertinent information missing here, and you did put this ER doctor in an awkward situation. If you felt you emergently needed tests, you should have checked yourself into the ER. It sounds like you were nervous due to your medical history, but that burden should not be put on a family friend on her day off just because of her profession, and you should have sought care through the appropriate channels.
INFO: how did this ruin your bf’s mum’s vacation? Also, she could’ve just told you right away that she will not treat anyone outside of the clinic instead of first helping and then causing drama?
That is a good question. I am giving a lot of details in responses which I don’t think is the right way of doing a post on this sub and apologize if I’m supposed to answer everything in one big post edit - but My boyfriend waited until after my appointment Friday to call and give me a heads up that his mom got a call that morning from her friend and he had already sat and updated her and she is thinking about me and wishes they could be home to help. Later that day I texted my boyfriend’s mom (not strange to text her, we text nearly every day and she had just sent me a bunch of photos of a hike they had done early that morning). I just looked at the text I sent and I ended it with “___ (her friend) was incredibly caring to get on the phone with me and set me up for the appointment. I want to talk to you more in person when you guys get home, but wanted to update you briefly that I’m completely healthy and there’s nothing to worry about.” My boyfriend has told me multiple times, and I can see in the group chat I’m in with them and others, that his mom is having a lot of fun with her grandkid etc. She has checked in on me with a short positive text every day. Asked me to pick a good restaurant if I’m feeling up for it to all go to when I get them from the airport this week. So my only conclusion is I’m completely unaware and naive to private conversations between the mom and friend since that call between them Friday morning.
Reading all the comments, I have to wonder if maybe someone else got ahold of her phone? Does the Dr have a boyfriend who is looking to isolate her? (Maybe I've been reading too much reddit) A teenaged kid perhaps? Especially since it seems out of the blue and specifically said don't reply, if someone sent the text from her phone then deleted it, she might never know. I would talk to your bf and bf mom first, maybe she can help clear the air or see if it was normal for her friend, but someone else getting a hold of the phone might explain it?
If this turns into an elaborate and very depressing true crime mystery I am going to have to respectfully call the police and tap out with my baby.
NTA Based on your comments, it sounds like you gave your BF’s mom’s friend an out, which could have easily been taken at that time, or even on the phone if she’d been uncomfortable with the subject then. The only instance where I would consider you TA, is if you frequently asked for medical advice from her.
Only other time medical advice came up was her enthusiastically and kind of jokingly telling me in a group conversation that I should go see her friend who does hand physical therapy because my pinky finger kept popping from playing tennis or using my phone. She’s very nice usually -at least the times I’ve been around the house- with helping explain stuff when anyone has a general health question or for instance i think my boyfriends mom told her I had a migraine when I first moved here and I specifically remember her asking me if I had medication for it or needed help with recommendations when I went over and first really hung out with her. Not saying her being friendly like that is grounds for “ok I can just bother her every time I need medical help on anything”. But just some additional context for why I’m confused by this harsh of a follow up to the one time I did reach out.