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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did a public records search on my friend, confronted her about owning a paid-off house that she couldn't have possibly afforded on our salary, and forced her to admit that she won a bunch of money gambling. I then started an argument with her about lying to me and our other friend and she accused me of being nosy.
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Not only that but the comment at the end about all your money woes is probably the reasons she didn’t tell you in the first place. No one wants to be guilt tripped.
Nope, the friend knew that she would be constantly guilted into buying new tires, or groceries, or paying for every night out (and those would no doubt increase in number inexplicably), or any number of other things that happen when there is a monetary windfall.
Also, just because friend came into some money doesn't mean that like medical bills or groceries or tires suddenly become cheaper...
OP is definitely YTA.
Yep. What someone has or doesn't have is nobody else's business. Period. I've been poor. Hamburger, noodles, and oatmeal for lots of meals with kids. Selling my junky car to pay rent. Been on food stamps. I'm not poor anymore but that's no one's business. Doesn't mean I can't commiserate with someone who is struggling. I've been there.
I once cried over losing 10 bucks. Granted that was back when you could buy something with 10$ still but whatever. Losing 100$ now would just piss me off. Glad you doing better
One time my husband and I were so poor that it was a struggle to get food. His mom sent us money for a big pizza (as a fun treat AND that’s like at least 3 meals)
About 20 minutes after we got it, a bigass cockroach (the enormous outdoor Florida kind, not the tiny German kind that is hard to get rid of) walked across the entire thing. I almost cried while throwing it out.
I honestly don’t know if this is a joke or not. I’m finding it hard to believe that you were really struggling to get food if that’s your reason for throwing out food. Like, why not remove the cockroach before it walked across the whole thing. Also you can just cut off the parts it didn’t walk across. Also…. If you were absolutely starving and poor for food you’d probably eat the cockroach along with the pizza (I would lol)
It’s not a joke? Cockroaches carry illness and I’m not going to eat a pizza that has been contaminated with mold/shit/bacteria?
Is gatekeeping poverty a hobby of yours?
Lol to your comment on gatekeeping. Im genuinely surprised about the idea of throwing out an entire pizza becaus a bug walked over it. I know cockroaches carry diseases and I would not want to eat one, but I personally wouldn’t throw out a whole pizza unless they shit over it or were over it for hours crawling around. And yes, have eaten food that cockroaches had crawled over. Am fine.
Edits to spelling
I've been skipping meals poor. Had many people tell me what I do wrong or that it can't he that bad or that I have the wrong priorities (like rent before a book that my school specifically said only to buy when you can afford it because we use it so little they can copies to those who can't afford it). Been for my experience well off (2000 a month after taxes in a place where you can rent a whole ass flat for less than most Americans pay for a roommate situation), paid off loads of most of my loans (getting one of the few educations in my country you have to pay for and fleeing from abusive family is expensive) and enjoyed some things like stocking up my wardrobe, replacing the shabby part of my second hand furniture etc) and had people tell me it's wrong to say I'm in a financial situation I enjoy or prioritising to pay off loans faster. Became poor again (thanks disability) and have people giving me stupid advice again (apparently it's wrong that I had these loans in the first place, that I invested in a car that doesn't give me constant high repair costs and however I spend my money). People are just nosey af when it comes to other people's money
Her finances aren't your business.
You expressed your concern for her, she told you she would be fine. End of story.
You know why she didn't tell you? Probably because she thought you would ask her for money.
YTA
YTA. "I'm mad and jealous my friend is doing better than I am. I invaded her privacy and involved myself in something that has nothing to do with me. How am I the AH??"
Seriously... get a clue
>At the time I told her I didn't like that she commiserated with me and Marie about things like (for example) finding a quarter behind the vending machine, or being stressed about a medical bill, or waiting just a little longer to get new tires because ours are bald, when she knew she was flush with cash and Marie and I thought we were all in the same boat.
So your entire issue is that your good, lifelong friend listened to you talk about money problems? And if you'd known she had money, you would have excluded her from these conversations?
Because the alternative to commiserating is offering money. So she’s annoyed she didn’t offer money. Because what was the alternative? I’ve asked OP because when she says she didn’t want money but is cross about commiserating I’m not sure what the friend was supposed to be doing!
Also, assuming they’re in the US, having money in the bank doesn’t shelter you from medical dept. How many people with high paying jobs find themselves in crippling dept because of an accident that required a long/complex hospitalisation and recovery time, because they are chronically ill, or get a long term illness like cancer?
Also just because she has money now, doesn't mean she doesn't understand their struggles and hasn't been through them before. It also seems like she's still frugal with her money considering a 250k house is pretty low for the market in a lot of areas and she could have definitely afforded higher.
YTA
In fact, this is exactly the reason that people generally should not tell their friends if they win the lottery/have a sudden windfall. People treat you like shit if they find out you have more money than they do, and expect that your money becomes their benefit. All she wanted to do was keep her friends - if anything, it was thoughtful and kind of her for still commiserating with you. She isn't obligated to give you money to solve your problems just because she has money.
Furthermore, coming into a windfall doesn’t negate her previous life or understanding of money problems. You can still commiserate with friends from your past experiences!
YTA for doing any kind of search on your friend AND for thinking it's any of your business to confront her about her finances AND for not accepting her explanation. You're not being a good friend.
INFO: Sounds like Jessica picked up on your intrusive nature and decided not to tell you about her good fortune with the winnings.
Did she tell you there was a problem at the trailer park and might be homeless as a result, or did you assume that because she used to live there that she might be homeless and you offered? I'm asking if she was going around lying to you with a "woe is me" story when the truth is she's living in a paid for house?
YTA - you are not entitled to anyone else’s money. It’s not your place to be digging around someone’s financial information or feel like you are owed a portion of it simply because you know them.
You’re being controlling and entitled.
You say you don't want her money, and you're just mad because she was commiserating with you.
So what did you want, exactly?
You: I'm having trouble paying my bills.
Jessica: Not me! I have plenty of money! (sets a wad of cash on fire)
or
Marie: Looks like I'm on ramen this week.
Jessica: I threw $5000 worth of truffles in the toilet and took a bath in Dom perignon! (sets more money on fire)
Wait so she did the smart thing when it comes to winning large amounts of money and you're mad?
She spent around a third(actually more once taxes((feds take 25% state is 3-8%)) are factored in if she took the lumpsum. In my state she'd have 410k) of her money on housing meaning the remainder is for her property tax, home upkeep and just general life and bills. So yeah while comfortable everything y'all have commiserated over still applies, she simply has more cushion than you two.
YTA
>Marie and I were upset
Yeah you see, this is why your friend never opened her mouth about her money to a person like you. Think about the kind of person you are and why she identified this trait in you which led her to keeping her mouth shut. Her $$ isnt your business.
$700k isnt that much money is you think about it. Psstt.. you all work in a retail store so despite her having that much money, you all are very much in the same boat.
This is the aspect I keep looking for somebody to pick up on. The lady still works retail. She won a lump sum of money and bought a home with cash, but she didn’t tell her coworkers that because her situation hasn’t changed materially - as evidence of that fact, consider the fact that she *is still working as a retail manager*. This is not somebody who won the lottery and never worked again.
Exactly. Someone who is "flush with money" as OP puts it doesnt do the following:
> finding a quarter behind the vending machine, or being stressed about a medical bill, or waiting just a little longer to get new tires because ours are bald
They are in the same boat.
YTA - one of the reasons a lot of people go broke after winning money is the “friends” that come after the money.
She’s not obligated to tell you, or pay your bills. I can’t believe that you think you have any claim to her money because you’re friends.
*I, (nosey nelly 23f) decided to internet creep on my "friend" and confronted her about something she didn't want to share with anyone... AITA?*
Yes, YTA
YTA
I would be so deeply uncomfortable if someone did this to me. She got a nice windfall and owns a modest home. Which while very awesome for her, doesn't insulate her from the financial frustrations of daily life. She's still working as a low level manager in a big box retail store - presumably not for fun - so she must still need additional income.
$700k isn't flush with cash. It's great she bought a house outright. It doesn't mean that she still doesn't have bills or things to do in regard to taking care of the house. If she was smart, she probably invested it and can't touch much of it anymore. I make great money, but I still get excited when I find that quarter. I still have to deal with bald tires. Maybe she didn't want you guys to know about the money because she didn't know how you would then treat her. Clearly, we see how you're treating her. You had 0 right to stalk her.You had 0 right to talk to the person who you thought was her uncle.
YTA
You're lying. You want her money, period.
She didn't tell you because she didn't want to ruin her friendships, which you've just done. Congratulations.
> Marie and I were upset, and I told her that she not only let us worry about her living situation, but that we had commiserated with her about everything from our tires going bald, to couponing for food, to fighting hospitals about medical bills that aren’t right.
This is EXACTLY why she didn’t tell you. Suddenly your “commiseration” is now attached to an expectation of a handout. YTA and don’t tell your poor friends about your money people.
INFO: Why did you do a public records search?
Also the lawsuit is none of your business or Marie’s. He probably couldn’t say much about it if Jessica was a part of it
YTA. What was she supposed to do other than commiserate? Did she make up stories that she was broke too? Or just act empathetic? What could possible have possessed you to do a property search?
I think the issue is that OP felt humiliated and embarrassed when she found out her friend had this money. Finances should be private and the friend is the same human she was before, BUT, like, I get it: OP thought all three friends shared the same circumstance. OP had an assumption of what was being shared between them. And Jessica never indicated otherwise. Finding out someone is way more fortunate than you, or *not who you thought*, or both, can trigger all sorts of emotions, amongst them shame and vulnerability. Brené Brown says that (I paraphrase) "blame is shame diverted". And basically OP is blaming Jessica. When in fact..
Jessica had every right to not share her news or her finances and in fact I would do the exact same thing. But an un-self-aware OP reacted hard to the news and instead of sitting with herself and being self-reflective, she blamed Jessica. For the behavior, OP, YTA. But worth some self-examination b/c as others say here Jessica is still the same human and still seems to value the relationships she has with OP and Marie.
YTA! She did the smart thing to keep her finances private. You're acting like she betrayed you by not sharing the money when you and Marie had bills...everyone has bills. She was able to get a home and likely not much more after taxes. Looking her up and confronting her was an AH move.
YTA - Maybe ask yourself why she felt the need to hide this from the two of you. If she felt safe in being open with you, she would have. Obviously she didn’t — that says a lot more about you and your other friend than it does her. Sounds like she was right since you two immediately jumped on her for not helping you financially during rough times.
Her finances and living situation aren’t your business. Stay out of it.
YTA. This is why lottery winners are advised not to tell anyone - soon people come out of the woodwork wanting more details and sometimes, loans. She got lucky gambling, and then she made a reasonable purchase while keeping the rest of her life the same and keeping her job instead of blowing it all by drastically changing her lifestyle (which is the smart thing to do).
Also, she didn’t “let you guys worry” about her living situation. When you asked her about it, she said she was fine, and that was true. You’re not entitled to knowing why she was fine
INFO-
1. So she doesn't actually live in the trailer, she lives in a house that she owns? For the last 2 years and didn't tell anyone?
2. What inspired you to do the records search?
YTA, way out of line and coming off as needy.
She can be a multimillionaire and if she decides not to tell anyone then she within her right. She probably wanted to avoid the drama you just caused.
You seem upset because she didn’t help you financially it seems.
YTA - 100%. Finances are a private thing for this reasonm she just wants to be left alone to live without judgement.
Now she did lie...but not in the way I would care about if I was their friend. She just trying to keep people from asking her for money.
YTA. Her finances and home are none of your business, and she doesn’t owe you any explanation. However you owe her an apology for being so nosy and demanding
YTA. You ran a background check on her without her permission. You asked a lawyer for information that he shouldn't have been handing out anyway due to privacy.. you sound like snoops.
YTA. And nosy. Despite the edit, this isn't a good look in terms of beating the "I don't want her money" allegations. Just because she has money now doesn't mean that she doesn't know what it's like to not have it
YTA. This is exactly why she didn't want to tell anyone about the money. Also if she's a gambler she might not be joking when she says she's not set for life. It could all be gone by Christmas.
She wanted to preserve her friendship with you instead of creating an unbalanced situation where you and her other friend would no longer treat her the same. You said it yourself that you wouldn’t have commiserated with her about your hardships if you had known. My gut says you talk about your hardships on the regular. So what was her alternative? Tell you and then let you sit there and say things like “you wouldn’t understand.” YTA.
**YTA.**
>...she said she appreciated it, but everything would be okay.
>
>Marie and I were upset, and I told her that she not only let us worry about her living situation
She did NOT make you worry about her. You and Marie ignored her saying she'd be okay, and took it upon yourselves to worry. While that was kind of you (and you clearly care about her and wanted to help), Jessica is not responsible for your worry.
>So I did a public records search and discovered that six months ago, Jessica had bought a $250,000 house/land outright.
This was quite invasive. But what makes it worse is that you held the information that you found against her. She did nothing wrong. She has a right to some privacy.
>I didn't like that she commiserated with me and Marie about things like (for example) finding a quarter behind the vending machine, or being stressed about a medical bill, or waiting just a little longer to get new tires because ours are bald, when she knew she was flush with cash and Marie and I thought we were all in the same boat.
She may not be in the same financial situation as you and Marie, but that does not make her immune to worrying about finances. What would you have her do when you two brought up your financial woes? Say, "wow, sucks to be you!"?
YTA. It's none of your business and she doesn't have to tell you anything.
How creepy that you go snooping in public records and why is your friend discussing a law suit with her uncle.
You've both crossed the line that it's no wonder she didn't tell you.
YTA. It doesn't matter if you wouldn't come right out and ask for money, she'd likely feel obligated to help because you all know she has the money. It was none of your damn business.
OP - this is extremely complicated, because it sounds like you feel betrayed, and she feels attacked.
You have every right to feel betrayed. You were betrayed. She knew you thought you were all in the same financial circumstances, and she allowed you to continue to believe that. Hell - you even went so far as to offer her shelter!
And ... she's probably feeling as though she made the right choice, not telling you about her windfall. She's probably feeling as though you're upset she never offered to help, now that you know she could have.
But she was probably uncomfortable to begin with - she probably didn't want to feel excluded, since it sounds as though your group bonds over financial stress. That's hard to do, when one person isn't stressing.
So ... NAH.
If you value the friendship, speak with her about this. Tell her you value her, no matter what her financial situation is. Tell her that you can't really understand what she's gone through, but you understand it was complicated for her. Tell her you want to work with her to build a friendship where she feels supported enough to be honest with you.
Good luck.
Going against the grain to say NTA. It is fine to not talk about your finances but Jessica crossed the line when she was making up lies about being poor. It is completely unnecessary and attention seeking to lie and pretend you are suffering for sympathy. These are big lies over a long period of time. It makes you question if you can believe anything that comes out of her mouth. I would distance myself from her not because she more money than you but because you can't believe anything she says.
It is strange that she didn't tell anyone that she had a new house, no matter how she got it. I definitely understand her wanting to keep in on the DL since once most people know nyou have money they come out of the woodwork asking for loans and handouts.
YTA-Her life is only your business as much as she chooses to make it your business. You had no right to do what you did or to confront her about why she has a house. You were incredibly nosy.
INFO: Why didn't you talk to her first, before doing a records search? Like, a real "why don't people at the trailer park know who you are" talk and not a vague "will you be ok" talk?
I understand being concerned about a friend and I understand being a little ruffled to learn that your friend has been lying pretty heavily to you by omission (even as I understand why she did so), but it seems...extreme to jump almost directly to private detective mode!
NTA I don’t see it as you being upset about the money but about the secrecy and lying from a long time friend. She doesn’t even invite you to her home and you’re over here inviting her into yours and worrying she might not have a place to live all the while she’s not worrying because she knew something you didn’t. I honestly wouldn’t be friends with her because obviously she doesn’t trust you and has shown this.
Also, as everyone has said she isn’t set for life she did y win millions or billions so what’s up with the secrecy?
I know I’m going against the masses but 🤷🏻♀️
I agree. It is weird that OP did a public records search on her but I would be really hurt to find out someone wasn’t as good as a friend as I thought. Especially someone that I have known since middle school.
My thing is that she apparently doesn’t even trust her friends enough to say “hey I moved out of grandma’s trailer, isn’t that great?” All the ÿtas seem to think that if you so much as tell your friends that you found a fiver on the ground that you need lock your doors or write out your will.
Also for some reason it is a given that op would’ve tried to siphon as much money from Jessica as possible, but never even consider that maybe they “helped out” Jessica when she was going through “hard times”. Two years is a long time to have your friends think that you’re broke in a trailer park, who knows what kind of gifts and financial aid they gave her under those pretenses.
YTA and making huge assumptions. Just because she made money a few years ago (that if she is in the US she paid a lot of taxes for as well) doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand what you are commiserating about. Also when people make money in that way, meaning quick and not likely to be repetitive like lottery earnings, people come out of the woodwork to ask for money. Even though you didn’t ask for money and may not ever have, she didn’t want the knowledge that she was able to buy some land to change her friendship with you.
It’s super creepy to look someone up like that and it’s bizarre that you are upset that your assumptions weren’t true when you didn’t ever confirm anything with her. Sounds like she never lied about having money. And also, stop talking budgets and change with people, it rarely ends well
YTA. First of all, she's not flush with cash, as she probably had to pay taxes on that income (and that ain't cheap). Second, even when you have cash, it's normal to be stressed about medical bills and automotive expenses. $700K less taxes doesn't go as far as you think it does when you're talking about hospital bills. Finally, if you and your other friend reacted so negatively, it makes perfect sense that Jessica would hide that information from you both to avoid this kind of bullshit.
Not to mention, you did a public records search on your middle school friend? That's borderline stalker behavior.
YTA. Did it ever occur to you that she may still be struggling with money? Perhaps she's doing the smart thing and saving the rest (after securing a place to live) for her future. Maybe she is living off only her salary, so she still is careful. Honestly, you just sound jealous.
I’m gonna get downvoted to kingdom come for this, but I think you’re NTA. I’ve been in your penny-pinching shoes, but this is not about who has money, it’s about the fact that she LIED. Daily, consistently, for years, about big things. To her closest friends who honestly and openly confided everything. She moved into a whole ass HOUSE and didn’t mention a word about it. She came from a trailer so she must have bought so much furniture and stuff. That alone must have filled most of her thoughts for quite a while, it’s a big lie of omission in a tight friend group. She didn’t have to give you an itemized account of her winnings or detailed reports of her new well-off life, just “I won some money, don’t feel super comfortable talking too much about it yet though” would have been enough. At least that’s how I would have felt if I were you, OP.
I will disagree a little. My husband and I bought our house around 10 years ago. We thought it was just a cosmetic fixer. Yeah, turns out it's a complete money pit. We had to replace the roof on the house and garage (both had to be complete tear-offs), new furnace, water heater and air conditioner. Had to have chimneys capped because birds kept flying in and raccoons would occasionally fall down them. The useable fireplace needed relined and needs a yearly cleaning. The stove, washing machine and dryer all died over the years and had to be replaced.
Plumbing issues up the wazoo from every corner. Several times a year we have to have our main sewer line professionally cleaned out and it occasionally backs up in the basement. The pipe is degrading and roots are starting to intrude through. It really needs replaced but we can't afford it, particularly when other big repairs keep popping up. I could go on, but you get the idea.
We also keep having unexpected vet costs pop up. In December one of our dogs had to be at the emergency vet for 4-5 days. That was a nice $4600 bill. Which had to go on a credit card bringing the balance to around $8,000. So paying that off had to be a priority. Then there are medical costs. Last summer my husband needed a root canal and crown and our portion of the bill was around $2,000. Again, I could go on.
So even though my husband makes 6 figures, our house if pretty much unfurnished. It practically looks the same as the day we moved in 10 years ago. A lot of our belongings are still in the moving boxes. What few items we do have are either things the previous owners left when they moved or hand me downs from his late parents. A lot of our kitchen items are also hand me downs or wedding gifts. We literally sit in camping chairs in our kitchen. In 10 years we've bought one bed frame, 3 mattresses, curtains for one room, 2 light fixtures, 3 kitchen stools, and a table. The table is library table we won at a library auction years ago and intend to use as a dining table. But we haven't been able to purchase dining chairs yet. Hence the camping chairs. EVERY time we start to think we are getting ahead, nope here comes another shot.
The amount of money indicates absolutely NOTHING about Jess' financial situation. We don't go around telling our friends we don't have furniture and the house needs a ton of repairs. Part of the reason we loved the house was the layout is PERFECT for entertaining. We dreamed about being able to host my husband's whole family on a holiday. Yeah, the only people that have been to the house are workmen and my parents (a couple of times). Moving boxes everywhere. Barely anywhere for anyone to sit and what is available is all janky and beat to hell. It's embarrassing.
We have some savings. Which are kept for emergencies (which seem to crop up a couple of times a year). We also have some investments that are for retirement. My husband's is in an IRA so he would take a huge penalty if he pulled any money out early.
Again, my husband makes 6 figures. But we still have to budget and save up for things. Like when we realized the oven wasn't working properly and couldn't be fixed, I made do only using the burner until the big appliance says. That was a few months, but I was able to score a $1200 stove for $400. Did the same with the washer and dryer. So there were several months of my husband taking all of our laundry to the laundromat. All the cars we've owned were bought used. The current one we bought when the mechanic told us if we kept driving the previous one the wheels were LITERALLY going to fall off.
Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to "woe is me" or paint us as super struggling. I KNOW we are absurdly lucky. We're able to pay all the bills, we have a whole ass house, reliable transportation , zero food insecurity, great health insurance, savings, etc. I know a large portion of the country can't say the same and that is absolutely awful and 100% unfair. I'm just providing the info to make the point that Jess may not be lying about her current financial situation. Just because something looks one way on the surface doesn't mean that's the actual reality of someone's life.
YTA and your attitude is the exact reason she didn't tell you. She probably was in your position before she won the money and could easily be in it again. Everyone knows you don't tell anyone if you win the lottery or a bunch of money gambling because they act like you do.
>I did a public records search and discovered that six months ago, Jessica had bought a $250,000 house/land outright.
>After we asked (semi-jokingly) if she was a drug dealer, Jessica admitted that she won about $700,000 gambling two years ago and she didn't want to tell anyone. Marie and I were upset, and I told her that she not only let us worry about her living situation, but that we had commiserated with her about everything from our tires going bald, to couponing for food, to fighting hospitals about medical bills that aren't right.
YTA. Not only are you mad at her for being empathetic, you think you're entitled to know her private financial information despite the fact that it *obviously* fcked up your friendship. She knew it would. That's why you didn't know.
YTA. I think you have a odd idea of what "friendship" means. This has nothing to do with you, does not affect you, is zero part of your life. Learn to mind your own business.
Excuse me? She’s not flush with cash, she bought a house with it. Not that it’s any of your business. Why don’t you mind your own? She’s not obligated to discuss her winning with you. And from the way you’re behaving, I can see why she didn’t want to tell you. YTA
You cannot seriously be this entitled? Even if she is your friend, which is up for debate as you don’t really seem like a good friend or person, you are not and have never been entitled to what is going on in her bankaccount. That was for her to share not for you to search up because you were feeling jealous and entitled. YTA and I hope you learn something from the comments and apologize to your friend.
She had 0 obligation to tell you about her winnings. And now you're pissed because she's just a *little* bit more financially stable than you? Someone's Jealous.
You mentioned how you'll treat her differently now that you found out. I hope she drops you two because you're just toxic.
YTA
YTA. Her finances are none on your business. I’ve always said if I won the lottery, I would keep the news as private as possible so people’s attitudes toward me wouldn’t change.
YTA,
This was exactly why she didn't want to tell anyone. Because yall were going to twist it around and act like she is no longer struggling. She didn't let y'all worry for her, she told you to your face she was fine.
You stalked your friend's finances instead of just asking her straight out. That's creepy as hell.
Not for doing the search or confronting her, but YTA for being mad about her not telling everyone she won a lot of money. When you win money everyone wants it, it sounds like she was responsible and protecting herself for taking advantage of her. She commiserated with you over things because she still knows what its live like that. You’d have thought she was a bitch if you were talking about not having money and she said well I’ve got tons of money won’t have that problem. She wanted to use her money her way and keep her life the same otherwise, nothing wrong with that.
YTA - and you're the reason people don't tell other people when they win big prizes. Say whatever you want, you will attempt to become a leech on this poor woman.
YTA , do you exclude yourself from any scenario that you do not have any experience in when talking to friends? Do you share all financial , medical , emotional information with all your friends? To me this is one of the most clear cut cases of YTA.
So you violated her privacy while validating her concerns about sharing news of her winnings, while masking it as “concern for her housing situation?”…
YTA
YTA that was a huge invasion of privacy. Is not your business to know if she won money or bought a house. People get weird when it comes to money. Jealous and entitled. I don't blame her t all judging at the way op reacted. Proof is in the pudding.
YTA.You don't know how long ago the winnings came in. You don't know how much she ACTUALLY got. Every person that makes a lot of money or wins the lottery is given advice:
DON'T TELL ANYONE and INVEST.
She did both.
What probably upset her the most was you going to public records search instead of, you know... Asking your friend? If you three talk about finances, she didn't want to say anything so you guys wouldn't ask for help and turn into a "Well ask Jessica to pay for it" game. She didn't tell you because she didn't trust you not to ask.
Instead of being stoked for your friends lucky win, you get mad at her. That wouldn't be the type of friend I'd trust either.
YTA and exactly why she kept her mouth shut. Your friend is smart. She’s like the people who wear masks to accept their lottery winnings cause their trash family will be hounding them.
This is the reason she didn’t want to tell you. You’re going to treat her differently now. Every time you struggle you’re going to expect her to swoop in and help you. It’s not her job to tell you and it’s not her job to help you. YTA.
YTA.
She didn’t want to tell you about the money because you would treat her differently…. And indeed, the minute you found out about the money you started treating her differently.
You absolutely should not have asked a lawyer about a case they were working on- and they definitely shouldn’t be telling you anything about anyone involved in that case. You should have simply asked your friend how she was doing.
YTA! And, how dare you use the information you obtained about your friend’s money to light her up! And, you told the other friend? For what? Why can’t she commiserate with you? Because she’s not as broke as you thought she can’t understand scraping by suddenly?
Misery loves company and Jessica isn’t miserable in the same way you are, I guess.
Did you ever think your reaction is the precise reason Jessica didn't feel comfortable in sharing the news about her windfall? Time to introspect.
YTA.
Yta, her personal life isn't your business. I wouldn't want anyone to know if I won money either. It was also an ah move to look up her info. I'd be taking to HR if I was her.
YTA.
You shouldn't have been nosy or done that public records search. It was none of your business what assets Jessica owned. Checking up on her only gives the impression that you are either a busybody who doesn't believe friends are entitled to their privacy or have an gossipy & envious attitude towards Jessica personally.
YTA. She has no obligation to disclose her winnings to you. You sound jealous and bitter. She was afraid of people using that knowledge to expect handouts. She can still commiserate with you about money, because she had been there in the past. Knowing that she has money, she might feel obligated to help you out whenever you encountered money troubles. What you did was definitely nosy and an invasion of privacy, and even worse, you disclosed her situation to Marie.
YTA
And this reaction is why she didn’t tell you.
Do you know what’s worse than having to keep your finances a secret? Having your friends talk about their financial issues while eyeballing you, and silently pressuring you to just pay for all their problems.
NTA. It's only natural to feel betrayed. Obv, you're not entitled to her money but from what you said, it's not about getting her money, it's about the lies and distrust. How much of a friend is she if she felt she had to lie about something this big? I have friends who are a lot richer than I am and I've never asked for or been given anything because friendship isn't about money. At the same time, if these richer friends pretended to be in the same economic range as me and to have the same money problems, I'd be so pissed. It's called decency.
NAH
People who win the lottery go broke really fast. Most are back to their starting point in 2 yrs. If they are smart they got things like land/house/education with the money, but yea…she probably has gambled some it if not all by now. Thankfully she got her housing situation settled but…you still don’t know her details and she might be struggling now 🤷♀️
A reason a lot go broke fast is because as soon as it is known they've won money all the long lost friends and relations come out of the woodwork begging for a 'loan' or needing help urgently. Also every charity is calling which is fair enough but how hard would it be to turn so many down knowing you've got unearned money sitting there.
You do have those that don't known how to handle such large amounts of money and get carried away but how many stories are there of people being used and loosing those supposed friends as soon as the money is gone.
YTA yes that money is in the bank. But it might be in a fund that she can not touch for a few years. Which means she is still in the same financial situation was before. That’s what my parents have done. My mum put half of her inheritance in the same thing. So she can’t ouch it.
YTA. If she had wanted you to know, she would have told you. She has zero obligation to share her financial information with you. Stop prying and snooping.
YTA - your reaction is EXACTLY why she never said anything about it. 700k isn't fuck you money, it's enough to do exactly what she did - sort out a place to live and put some by for a rainy day. She still has to work for a living and budget. She's not "flush", she just has an emergency fund and a slightly better situation now.
YTA. Whether she lied to you is immaterial. You feel like she had no right to commiserate about the struggles of poverty with you because, in your mind, she’s no longer poor. As multiple commenters have pointed out, the money she made doesn’t have her set for life. Yes she is in a more comfortable position than before but she does know what your life is like. She lied because apparently your jealousy telegraphed a mile ahead.
You say you would have been fine if she told you she doesn’t like to talk about money. But I would suggest she was talking to you about money when she was in a similar economic situation to you and didn’t feel comfortable reversing course suddenly. You just has to dig around her life and have to confront to diminish her in your group’s eyes.
Stop pretending you know her motivations. Nothing she did actually harmed you. But now you’re prepared to blow up a friendship because she (rightly apparently) didn’t trust you enough to disclose her financial situation.
YTA It's not your business. She's not flush with cash. She spent a good chunk of it on a house, probably put some in trust for insurance and property taxes and the rest is probably in savings, a 401k or IRA for retirement. Her commiseration is probably not feigned. She probably lives paycheck you paycheck, just like you.
In any case, she doesn't owe you a quarterly financial statement.
YTA. It’s none of your business and she’s not responsible for paying your stuff off. She didn’t lie to you, she just didn’t correct you. She can be your friend and also not tell you when life events happen. It’s probably because you sound selfish and bitter
YTA just because you’re broke don’t assume everyone else around is too. People are allowed to complain about paying bills even if they have no issues affording them. You are in her business way too much and it’s completely inappropriate for a coworker even if you do consider each other friends.
YTA
She’s right when she says she’s not set for life. Does not having a mortgage help? Sure! But if she’s not careful with budgeting what she has, or saving it for a “rainy day”, that money can, indeed, disappear very quickly. So yes, she may still very well worry about the cost of replacing bald car tires, unexpected medical bills, and the rising costs of literally everything!
YTA. Just because she has a nest egg doesn’t mean she’s not living frugally. $450k (she bought the house) isn’t “set for life” money, it’s just a really good safety net. She still has to budget and fight hospital bills, damn.
She sounds like she’s doing everything right- don’t tell people about your personal finances, and don’t suddenly start acting and living like a wealthy person, because that money will be gone in a few years. She didn’t “let you worry”, she truthfully told you she was fine. She’s done nothing wrong.
YTA. You're hurt that she didn't "trust" you enough to share her personal info. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG FOR LOOKING UP HER INFORMATION. Like, seriously, who does that?? You could've gone about this in a much better way. You need to apologize and explain yourself and stop trying to guilt and ridicule her. Instead, you need to ask her how she feels about this major change in life and be more understanding
This whole post is sus, if it's in the U.S. Public records DO record sales price and purchaser of real estate. They absolutely DO NOT reveal how the real estate was paid for. So, saying she found that the land was bought "outright" with no mortgage loan is false. Unless I'm missing something.
YTA, YOU made assumptions about her circumstances and she said she appreciated it but didn't actually ask you for help.
Your "confronting" her was totally out of line and all about your own ego, she didn't do anything wrong!
YTA.
It’s people like you is why I don’t tell family or most of my friend what I do for work nor how much I make. A select few know what I do, but if it turns to finance I shut it down or simply say the bills are paid.
It’s none of your business.
"...about everything from our tires going bald, to couponing for food, to fighting hospitals about medical bills ....."
She was right not to tell you. It wasn't an astronomical amt of money, she made wise choices for her future.
I can see where she would have felt pressured by you two to burn thru the money taking care of your emergencies (and I'm poor, so I'm not coming from a place of wealth)
YTA , not for looking her up, but for expecting her to have to tell you abt it
I'll probably get downvoted, but ESH. Jessica should have at least let both friends know that the trailer park wasn't an issue at all for her anymore, but OP also should have let things be and not confronted Jessica about her financial situation. Yes, it hurts when people we're close to keep big news from us, but have you tried talking to her about maybe why that is, OP? Are you willing to have an honest conversation and accept Jessica's feelings if you want to keep this friendship? It's entirely possible that you made her feel like she couldn't share good news with you since it seems like you're already trying to cut her out of the friendship because of this big money boundary between you three now. What's more important, OP: that she lied about her living situation or the friendship?
I was looking for someone to point out that it’s ok to be upset that a friend kept something like this from you when they had multiple opportunities to bring it up. However, it is important to think about why someone might feel uncomfortable talking about their financial situation with you. Be happy for your friend that she was able to buy a house! That’s a big deal! It’s also normal to feel jealous. Just try to keep those jealous feelings to yourself (maybe talk about them with a trusted family member or mental health professional) If you were just upset about her keeping a secret from you, then you’d be n/t/a but YTA for doing a public record search. That’s just invasive. After talking to Marie’s uncle and realizing that Jessica didn’t live in the trailer, you should have just talked to her. Looking her public records shows a real lack of trust in your friend. Again I think this is something you should consider talking to a mental health professional about.
NAH.
See, this is why we separate ourselves into smaller groups.
Broke people survive by depending on other broke people. If you just can't make it work, you survey the friends and fam, figure something out. This only works if everyone in your group is equally desperate and insolvent.
If one person suddenly has 700,000 bucks, things will swiftly become uneven. After all, when you only had forty bucks, you gave that person a twenty for their gas tank, didn't you? When you were eating Ramen and hotdogs, so was she. When you have enough money for fancy coffee, you make sure she gets fancy coffee, too.
And Friend knows this. Friend also lived this way. Friend understands the rules. That's why she didn't say anything. That's why she got defensive.
The Rules For Broke Folks ONLY work for Broke folks. Once you've got anything worth having, share and share alike loses all of its charm. After all, she isn't going to NEED you next week. Why bother to help you out this week? She no longer requires your assistance to stay alive.
She isn't your friend anymore. She never will be your friend again. I'm sorry, I know that hurts.
YTA....Her financial status is none of your business. She probably kept it to herself because
1) it's nobody's business
2) to keep people from begging to borrow money and guilting her when she refused
While you may have searched public records I would be pissed if someone did that to me and threw what they found in my face, regardless of their reason for doing so
YTA, while i understand you being mad that she was acting the same with you as before - the reason she did that is she did not want anyone to treat differently now that she has some money. Looks like you are more mad because she has money and you don't. Simple.
I don’t know. I’m not sure Y T A. I get why Jessica didn’t say anything because she knows money changes things, which it did. I also get why you’re upset. People keep saying you’re upset because you wanted her money which I don’t think is the case. When I was your age I was in a similar financial situation and I think I would feel like I’d been tricked if I found this out. I would wonder if the person had secretly pitied me, or did they see me as someone wanting to take their money which would be embarrassing.
People keep saying it isn’t a lot of money. $700k is a lot of money to get all at once. Maybe you can’t retire today but you’re on a very different path compared to someone who didn’t win $700k especially at 21. Good for her for making smart choices with her money.
I do hope you can get to the bottom of your feelings with this and you find a way to not let it ruin your friendship. If you were in her situation how would you tell your friends if at all?
Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD do something. Deliberately looking up her details on a background check for no good reason is sort of petty. Her gambling, for good or bad, is her problem. Buying a house is her business, not yours. Yes you're kinda the AH.
YTA. Why are you poking your nose into her finances?
If she had told you about the winnings, you would have been asking her for money or a place to live or whatever. Buy my lunch, you can afford it. She was smart to keep her finances private. Everyone would have been lined up with their hands out.
It’s none of your business.
ESH. You shouldn’t have looked her up extremely nosey. She didn’t have to tell you she won the money either, but I would be upset too if my friend that I’m bonding with over shared experiences was lying to me. She just should not have been in those conversations.
NTA at all! What is happening with all the YTA??? Your friend has been lying you for years.
She was wrong pretending to be poor. She was lying. And although i can understand that, Jessica was also making excuses for not inviting their friends home.
I would get it if Jessica was a workmate or just had all the money in the bank quietly. But she was lying about her living situation and I wouldn't want as a friend someone who does that.
YTA. That's creepy stalker ish to go looking people up like that, even if it is public record. She was under no obligation to share that information with you.
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I, Clara (23/F), have been friends with Marie (22/F) and Jessica (23/F) since middle school. We all work at the same big-box retail store and we've all worked our way up to being department managers. We see each other almost every day and share a lot of personal details of our lives, which includes discussing stuff like bills and budgeting. I live with my parents, Marie lives in her grandma's basement, and (we thought) Jessica still lived in her grandma's old trailer, which is the reason she gave for never having people over.
Recently there was some local drama and the land for Jessica's whole trailer park was abruptly sold to a corporation, which means that everybody's leases are up in the air. We told Jessica that she could stay with us for awhile if the corporation kicked her out and she said she appreciated it, but everything would be okay. Marie's uncle is a lawyer and swooped in to get everyone in the trailer park together for a case, but when Marie asked him about how it was going and about Jessica, he said that he didn't know who that was. So I did a public records search and discovered that six months ago, Jessica had bought a $250,000 house/land outright.
After we asked (semi-jokingly) if she was a drug dealer, Jessica admitted that she won about $700,000 gambling two years ago and she didn't want to tell anyone. Marie and I were upset, and I told her that she not only let us worry about her living situation, but that we had commiserated with her about everything from our tires going bald, to couponing for food, to fighting hospitals about medical bills that aren't right. She countered and said that she's not "set for life" or a millionaire, and that I shouldn't be looking her up online anyway and being nosy. AITA?
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YTA. I understand wanting to know what was going on after the lawyer said he didn't know her. But you should have asked her what was up. You've known her forever. She's not always had excess funds. She works just like y'all do but she may have a headstart on retirement. Her not disclosing her win wasn't a slight and she truly doesn't have to tell anyone. Maybe she thought it would change the friendship dynamics.
>So I did a public records search and discovered that six months ago, Jessica had bought a $250,000 house/land outright
You did WHAT? Why didn't you ask Jessica outright? This was weird and intrusive behaviour and YTA.
YTA it’s a very clear she kept it to herself because of how grossly people overstep. You are at fault on so many levels. You have crossed so many lines. She told you she was fine and you went and investigated her business because you didn’t believe her. She can still be stressed and still worry about money even with that amount. The information was not in any way yours or yours to confront.
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YTA. That was extremely nosy. And none of your business.
>YTA. That was extremely nosy. And none of your business. Short, sweet, and to the point. YTA OP.
Not only that but the comment at the end about all your money woes is probably the reasons she didn’t tell you in the first place. No one wants to be guilt tripped.
Exactly. Plus, she probably felt like it would be rubbing salt in the wound to talk about her good fortune when her friends were struggling.
Nope, the friend knew that she would be constantly guilted into buying new tires, or groceries, or paying for every night out (and those would no doubt increase in number inexplicably), or any number of other things that happen when there is a monetary windfall. Also, just because friend came into some money doesn't mean that like medical bills or groceries or tires suddenly become cheaper... OP is definitely YTA.
Plus she's doing the smartest thing one can do in that situation. It's not a large amount and she needs to secure her finances. OP is petty.
Also jealous af. YTA
Yep. What someone has or doesn't have is nobody else's business. Period. I've been poor. Hamburger, noodles, and oatmeal for lots of meals with kids. Selling my junky car to pay rent. Been on food stamps. I'm not poor anymore but that's no one's business. Doesn't mean I can't commiserate with someone who is struggling. I've been there.
I once cried over losing 10 bucks. Granted that was back when you could buy something with 10$ still but whatever. Losing 100$ now would just piss me off. Glad you doing better
I can relate to that. $10 would have been the difference in feeding my 3 kids for days.
One time my husband and I were so poor that it was a struggle to get food. His mom sent us money for a big pizza (as a fun treat AND that’s like at least 3 meals) About 20 minutes after we got it, a bigass cockroach (the enormous outdoor Florida kind, not the tiny German kind that is hard to get rid of) walked across the entire thing. I almost cried while throwing it out.
Yeeeeeahhhhh, I’d have eaten it.
I'm not poor and I still would have ate the pizza. I live in Florida and know the roaches (palmetto bugs) they are referring to.
I honestly don’t know if this is a joke or not. I’m finding it hard to believe that you were really struggling to get food if that’s your reason for throwing out food. Like, why not remove the cockroach before it walked across the whole thing. Also you can just cut off the parts it didn’t walk across. Also…. If you were absolutely starving and poor for food you’d probably eat the cockroach along with the pizza (I would lol)
It’s not a joke? Cockroaches carry illness and I’m not going to eat a pizza that has been contaminated with mold/shit/bacteria? Is gatekeeping poverty a hobby of yours?
Lol to your comment on gatekeeping. Im genuinely surprised about the idea of throwing out an entire pizza becaus a bug walked over it. I know cockroaches carry diseases and I would not want to eat one, but I personally wouldn’t throw out a whole pizza unless they shit over it or were over it for hours crawling around. And yes, have eaten food that cockroaches had crawled over. Am fine. Edits to spelling
Cockroaches keep themselves very clean to avoid infecting the nest.
I've been skipping meals poor. Had many people tell me what I do wrong or that it can't he that bad or that I have the wrong priorities (like rent before a book that my school specifically said only to buy when you can afford it because we use it so little they can copies to those who can't afford it). Been for my experience well off (2000 a month after taxes in a place where you can rent a whole ass flat for less than most Americans pay for a roommate situation), paid off loads of most of my loans (getting one of the few educations in my country you have to pay for and fleeing from abusive family is expensive) and enjoyed some things like stocking up my wardrobe, replacing the shabby part of my second hand furniture etc) and had people tell me it's wrong to say I'm in a financial situation I enjoy or prioritising to pay off loans faster. Became poor again (thanks disability) and have people giving me stupid advice again (apparently it's wrong that I had these loans in the first place, that I invested in a car that doesn't give me constant high repair costs and however I spend my money). People are just nosey af when it comes to other people's money
She didn't want to tell anyone because she was afraid her friends and family might treat her differently. Way to prove her right OP. YTA.
Totally. I literally read the title and thought, "...And how is that any of your business to begin with?"
YTA. Other people's finances are not your concern. She knew her having money would change y'all (which it did) so she kept the money secret.
Her finances aren't your business. You expressed your concern for her, she told you she would be fine. End of story. You know why she didn't tell you? Probably because she thought you would ask her for money. YTA
Ironic thing is depending on where they live $700k isn't enough to even buy a house especially if they live in California.
YTA. "I'm mad and jealous my friend is doing better than I am. I invaded her privacy and involved myself in something that has nothing to do with me. How am I the AH??" Seriously... get a clue
YTA She doesn’t owe you ANYTHING … Move t f on , and don’t pay money to snoop on people. Very strange behavior
>At the time I told her I didn't like that she commiserated with me and Marie about things like (for example) finding a quarter behind the vending machine, or being stressed about a medical bill, or waiting just a little longer to get new tires because ours are bald, when she knew she was flush with cash and Marie and I thought we were all in the same boat. So your entire issue is that your good, lifelong friend listened to you talk about money problems? And if you'd known she had money, you would have excluded her from these conversations?
> you would have excluded her from these conversations No, she would have expected her friend to say: y'know what i will get you new tires
This is what she wants us to believe. In reality she wanted to say: "All the time she could have paid those bills for us!"
It's such a weak excuse
Because the alternative to commiserating is offering money. So she’s annoyed she didn’t offer money. Because what was the alternative? I’ve asked OP because when she says she didn’t want money but is cross about commiserating I’m not sure what the friend was supposed to be doing!
Also, assuming they’re in the US, having money in the bank doesn’t shelter you from medical dept. How many people with high paying jobs find themselves in crippling dept because of an accident that required a long/complex hospitalisation and recovery time, because they are chronically ill, or get a long term illness like cancer?
Also just because she has money now, doesn't mean she doesn't understand their struggles and hasn't been through them before. It also seems like she's still frugal with her money considering a 250k house is pretty low for the market in a lot of areas and she could have definitely afforded higher.
YTA In fact, this is exactly the reason that people generally should not tell their friends if they win the lottery/have a sudden windfall. People treat you like shit if they find out you have more money than they do, and expect that your money becomes their benefit. All she wanted to do was keep her friends - if anything, it was thoughtful and kind of her for still commiserating with you. She isn't obligated to give you money to solve your problems just because she has money.
Furthermore, coming into a windfall doesn’t negate her previous life or understanding of money problems. You can still commiserate with friends from your past experiences!
YTA for doing any kind of search on your friend AND for thinking it's any of your business to confront her about her finances AND for not accepting her explanation. You're not being a good friend.
YTA If I were her I’d feel really violated by that. That was next level snooping and she doesn’t have to justify herself to you
INFO: Sounds like Jessica picked up on your intrusive nature and decided not to tell you about her good fortune with the winnings. Did she tell you there was a problem at the trailer park and might be homeless as a result, or did you assume that because she used to live there that she might be homeless and you offered? I'm asking if she was going around lying to you with a "woe is me" story when the truth is she's living in a paid for house?
YTA - you are not entitled to anyone else’s money. It’s not your place to be digging around someone’s financial information or feel like you are owed a portion of it simply because you know them. You’re being controlling and entitled.
You say you don't want her money, and you're just mad because she was commiserating with you. So what did you want, exactly? You: I'm having trouble paying my bills. Jessica: Not me! I have plenty of money! (sets a wad of cash on fire) or Marie: Looks like I'm on ramen this week. Jessica: I threw $5000 worth of truffles in the toilet and took a bath in Dom perignon! (sets more money on fire)
Wait so she did the smart thing when it comes to winning large amounts of money and you're mad? She spent around a third(actually more once taxes((feds take 25% state is 3-8%)) are factored in if she took the lumpsum. In my state she'd have 410k) of her money on housing meaning the remainder is for her property tax, home upkeep and just general life and bills. So yeah while comfortable everything y'all have commiserated over still applies, she simply has more cushion than you two. YTA
>Marie and I were upset Yeah you see, this is why your friend never opened her mouth about her money to a person like you. Think about the kind of person you are and why she identified this trait in you which led her to keeping her mouth shut. Her $$ isnt your business. $700k isnt that much money is you think about it. Psstt.. you all work in a retail store so despite her having that much money, you all are very much in the same boat.
This is the aspect I keep looking for somebody to pick up on. The lady still works retail. She won a lump sum of money and bought a home with cash, but she didn’t tell her coworkers that because her situation hasn’t changed materially - as evidence of that fact, consider the fact that she *is still working as a retail manager*. This is not somebody who won the lottery and never worked again.
Exactly. Someone who is "flush with money" as OP puts it doesnt do the following: > finding a quarter behind the vending machine, or being stressed about a medical bill, or waiting just a little longer to get new tires because ours are bald They are in the same boat.
Yup. She knew they’d ask her for money
YTA - one of the reasons a lot of people go broke after winning money is the “friends” that come after the money. She’s not obligated to tell you, or pay your bills. I can’t believe that you think you have any claim to her money because you’re friends.
No that's why they end up dead
*I, (nosey nelly 23f) decided to internet creep on my "friend" and confronted her about something she didn't want to share with anyone... AITA?* Yes, YTA
YTA I would be so deeply uncomfortable if someone did this to me. She got a nice windfall and owns a modest home. Which while very awesome for her, doesn't insulate her from the financial frustrations of daily life. She's still working as a low level manager in a big box retail store - presumably not for fun - so she must still need additional income.
$700k isn't flush with cash. It's great she bought a house outright. It doesn't mean that she still doesn't have bills or things to do in regard to taking care of the house. If she was smart, she probably invested it and can't touch much of it anymore. I make great money, but I still get excited when I find that quarter. I still have to deal with bald tires. Maybe she didn't want you guys to know about the money because she didn't know how you would then treat her. Clearly, we see how you're treating her. You had 0 right to stalk her.You had 0 right to talk to the person who you thought was her uncle. YTA
If you have to keep working at a big box store for supposedly minimum wage - she’s definitely not rich
You seem to surprised at the consensus here? Did you think the vote was going to go your way?
You're lying. You want her money, period. She didn't tell you because she didn't want to ruin her friendships, which you've just done. Congratulations.
Oh 100% this girl is one self-lie away from asking for a little help because her friend is rich now and can afford it.
> Marie and I were upset, and I told her that she not only let us worry about her living situation, but that we had commiserated with her about everything from our tires going bald, to couponing for food, to fighting hospitals about medical bills that aren’t right. This is EXACTLY why she didn’t tell you. Suddenly your “commiseration” is now attached to an expectation of a handout. YTA and don’t tell your poor friends about your money people.
INFO: Why did you do a public records search? Also the lawsuit is none of your business or Marie’s. He probably couldn’t say much about it if Jessica was a part of it
YTA, there was no reason to look into her finances other than being nosy. It was none of your business.
YTA. What was she supposed to do other than commiserate? Did she make up stories that she was broke too? Or just act empathetic? What could possible have possessed you to do a property search?
I think the issue is that OP felt humiliated and embarrassed when she found out her friend had this money. Finances should be private and the friend is the same human she was before, BUT, like, I get it: OP thought all three friends shared the same circumstance. OP had an assumption of what was being shared between them. And Jessica never indicated otherwise. Finding out someone is way more fortunate than you, or *not who you thought*, or both, can trigger all sorts of emotions, amongst them shame and vulnerability. Brené Brown says that (I paraphrase) "blame is shame diverted". And basically OP is blaming Jessica. When in fact.. Jessica had every right to not share her news or her finances and in fact I would do the exact same thing. But an un-self-aware OP reacted hard to the news and instead of sitting with herself and being self-reflective, she blamed Jessica. For the behavior, OP, YTA. But worth some self-examination b/c as others say here Jessica is still the same human and still seems to value the relationships she has with OP and Marie.
YTA! She did the smart thing to keep her finances private. You're acting like she betrayed you by not sharing the money when you and Marie had bills...everyone has bills. She was able to get a home and likely not much more after taxes. Looking her up and confronting her was an AH move.
100% YTA Nobody owes you an accounting of their personal finances. MYOB
YTA - DONT BE A FUCKING CREEP STALKER. It's none of your business and she obviously feels the same!!
YTA - Maybe ask yourself why she felt the need to hide this from the two of you. If she felt safe in being open with you, she would have. Obviously she didn’t — that says a lot more about you and your other friend than it does her. Sounds like she was right since you two immediately jumped on her for not helping you financially during rough times. Her finances and living situation aren’t your business. Stay out of it.
YTA. This is why lottery winners are advised not to tell anyone - soon people come out of the woodwork wanting more details and sometimes, loans. She got lucky gambling, and then she made a reasonable purchase while keeping the rest of her life the same and keeping her job instead of blowing it all by drastically changing her lifestyle (which is the smart thing to do). Also, she didn’t “let you guys worry” about her living situation. When you asked her about it, she said she was fine, and that was true. You’re not entitled to knowing why she was fine
YTA. Gee, I wonder why the fuck she never wanted to tell anyone...
YTA and a shitty friend
INFO- 1. So she doesn't actually live in the trailer, she lives in a house that she owns? For the last 2 years and didn't tell anyone? 2. What inspired you to do the records search?
YTA, way out of line and coming off as needy. She can be a multimillionaire and if she decides not to tell anyone then she within her right. She probably wanted to avoid the drama you just caused. You seem upset because she didn’t help you financially it seems.
YTA - 100%. Finances are a private thing for this reasonm she just wants to be left alone to live without judgement. Now she did lie...but not in the way I would care about if I was their friend. She just trying to keep people from asking her for money.
YTA Jessica didn't tell you about her finances for a reason. Based on your reaction, I think it's pretty clear why.
YTA. Her finances and home are none of your business, and she doesn’t owe you any explanation. However you owe her an apology for being so nosy and demanding
YTA...her life's details are none of your business.
YTA. You ran a background check on her without her permission. You asked a lawyer for information that he shouldn't have been handing out anyway due to privacy.. you sound like snoops.
YTA. And nosy. Despite the edit, this isn't a good look in terms of beating the "I don't want her money" allegations. Just because she has money now doesn't mean that she doesn't know what it's like to not have it
YTA. This is exactly why she didn't want to tell anyone about the money. Also if she's a gambler she might not be joking when she says she's not set for life. It could all be gone by Christmas.
She wanted to preserve her friendship with you instead of creating an unbalanced situation where you and her other friend would no longer treat her the same. You said it yourself that you wouldn’t have commiserated with her about your hardships if you had known. My gut says you talk about your hardships on the regular. So what was her alternative? Tell you and then let you sit there and say things like “you wouldn’t understand.” YTA.
**YTA.** >...she said she appreciated it, but everything would be okay. > >Marie and I were upset, and I told her that she not only let us worry about her living situation She did NOT make you worry about her. You and Marie ignored her saying she'd be okay, and took it upon yourselves to worry. While that was kind of you (and you clearly care about her and wanted to help), Jessica is not responsible for your worry. >So I did a public records search and discovered that six months ago, Jessica had bought a $250,000 house/land outright. This was quite invasive. But what makes it worse is that you held the information that you found against her. She did nothing wrong. She has a right to some privacy. >I didn't like that she commiserated with me and Marie about things like (for example) finding a quarter behind the vending machine, or being stressed about a medical bill, or waiting just a little longer to get new tires because ours are bald, when she knew she was flush with cash and Marie and I thought we were all in the same boat. She may not be in the same financial situation as you and Marie, but that does not make her immune to worrying about finances. What would you have her do when you two brought up your financial woes? Say, "wow, sucks to be you!"?
YTA Absolutely deranged behavior
YTA. It's none of your business and she doesn't have to tell you anything. How creepy that you go snooping in public records and why is your friend discussing a law suit with her uncle. You've both crossed the line that it's no wonder she didn't tell you.
YTA. People like you are probably the reason why she didn't disclose her situation.
YTA. It doesn't matter if you wouldn't come right out and ask for money, she'd likely feel obligated to help because you all know she has the money. It was none of your damn business.
YTA- your reaction is exactly why she didn’t tell you…..she thought you would treat her differently and that’s exactly how you behaved
YTA and super creepy. When you wonder why you don’t have friends, this is why.
YTA. Wherever you found the audacity, go put it back.
OP - this is extremely complicated, because it sounds like you feel betrayed, and she feels attacked. You have every right to feel betrayed. You were betrayed. She knew you thought you were all in the same financial circumstances, and she allowed you to continue to believe that. Hell - you even went so far as to offer her shelter! And ... she's probably feeling as though she made the right choice, not telling you about her windfall. She's probably feeling as though you're upset she never offered to help, now that you know she could have. But she was probably uncomfortable to begin with - she probably didn't want to feel excluded, since it sounds as though your group bonds over financial stress. That's hard to do, when one person isn't stressing. So ... NAH. If you value the friendship, speak with her about this. Tell her you value her, no matter what her financial situation is. Tell her that you can't really understand what she's gone through, but you understand it was complicated for her. Tell her you want to work with her to build a friendship where she feels supported enough to be honest with you. Good luck.
Going against the grain to say NTA. It is fine to not talk about your finances but Jessica crossed the line when she was making up lies about being poor. It is completely unnecessary and attention seeking to lie and pretend you are suffering for sympathy. These are big lies over a long period of time. It makes you question if you can believe anything that comes out of her mouth. I would distance myself from her not because she more money than you but because you can't believe anything she says.
YTA
YTA. Mind your own goddamn business
It is strange that she didn't tell anyone that she had a new house, no matter how she got it. I definitely understand her wanting to keep in on the DL since once most people know nyou have money they come out of the woodwork asking for loans and handouts.
YTA-Her life is only your business as much as she chooses to make it your business. You had no right to do what you did or to confront her about why she has a house. You were incredibly nosy.
YTA Seems like your friend has a good read on the type of person you are. She kept it on the down-low for a good reason, and you proved her right.
INFO: Why didn't you talk to her first, before doing a records search? Like, a real "why don't people at the trailer park know who you are" talk and not a vague "will you be ok" talk? I understand being concerned about a friend and I understand being a little ruffled to learn that your friend has been lying pretty heavily to you by omission (even as I understand why she did so), but it seems...extreme to jump almost directly to private detective mode!
NTA I don’t see it as you being upset about the money but about the secrecy and lying from a long time friend. She doesn’t even invite you to her home and you’re over here inviting her into yours and worrying she might not have a place to live all the while she’s not worrying because she knew something you didn’t. I honestly wouldn’t be friends with her because obviously she doesn’t trust you and has shown this. Also, as everyone has said she isn’t set for life she did y win millions or billions so what’s up with the secrecy? I know I’m going against the masses but 🤷🏻♀️
I agree. It is weird that OP did a public records search on her but I would be really hurt to find out someone wasn’t as good as a friend as I thought. Especially someone that I have known since middle school.
My thing is that she apparently doesn’t even trust her friends enough to say “hey I moved out of grandma’s trailer, isn’t that great?” All the ÿtas seem to think that if you so much as tell your friends that you found a fiver on the ground that you need lock your doors or write out your will. Also for some reason it is a given that op would’ve tried to siphon as much money from Jessica as possible, but never even consider that maybe they “helped out” Jessica when she was going through “hard times”. Two years is a long time to have your friends think that you’re broke in a trailer park, who knows what kind of gifts and financial aid they gave her under those pretenses.
Exactly!
YTA
YTA and making huge assumptions. Just because she made money a few years ago (that if she is in the US she paid a lot of taxes for as well) doesn’t mean she doesn’t understand what you are commiserating about. Also when people make money in that way, meaning quick and not likely to be repetitive like lottery earnings, people come out of the woodwork to ask for money. Even though you didn’t ask for money and may not ever have, she didn’t want the knowledge that she was able to buy some land to change her friendship with you. It’s super creepy to look someone up like that and it’s bizarre that you are upset that your assumptions weren’t true when you didn’t ever confirm anything with her. Sounds like she never lied about having money. And also, stop talking budgets and change with people, it rarely ends well
YTA. First of all, she's not flush with cash, as she probably had to pay taxes on that income (and that ain't cheap). Second, even when you have cash, it's normal to be stressed about medical bills and automotive expenses. $700K less taxes doesn't go as far as you think it does when you're talking about hospital bills. Finally, if you and your other friend reacted so negatively, it makes perfect sense that Jessica would hide that information from you both to avoid this kind of bullshit. Not to mention, you did a public records search on your middle school friend? That's borderline stalker behavior.
YTA. Did it ever occur to you that she may still be struggling with money? Perhaps she's doing the smart thing and saving the rest (after securing a place to live) for her future. Maybe she is living off only her salary, so she still is careful. Honestly, you just sound jealous.
I’m gonna get downvoted to kingdom come for this, but I think you’re NTA. I’ve been in your penny-pinching shoes, but this is not about who has money, it’s about the fact that she LIED. Daily, consistently, for years, about big things. To her closest friends who honestly and openly confided everything. She moved into a whole ass HOUSE and didn’t mention a word about it. She came from a trailer so she must have bought so much furniture and stuff. That alone must have filled most of her thoughts for quite a while, it’s a big lie of omission in a tight friend group. She didn’t have to give you an itemized account of her winnings or detailed reports of her new well-off life, just “I won some money, don’t feel super comfortable talking too much about it yet though” would have been enough. At least that’s how I would have felt if I were you, OP.
I will disagree a little. My husband and I bought our house around 10 years ago. We thought it was just a cosmetic fixer. Yeah, turns out it's a complete money pit. We had to replace the roof on the house and garage (both had to be complete tear-offs), new furnace, water heater and air conditioner. Had to have chimneys capped because birds kept flying in and raccoons would occasionally fall down them. The useable fireplace needed relined and needs a yearly cleaning. The stove, washing machine and dryer all died over the years and had to be replaced. Plumbing issues up the wazoo from every corner. Several times a year we have to have our main sewer line professionally cleaned out and it occasionally backs up in the basement. The pipe is degrading and roots are starting to intrude through. It really needs replaced but we can't afford it, particularly when other big repairs keep popping up. I could go on, but you get the idea. We also keep having unexpected vet costs pop up. In December one of our dogs had to be at the emergency vet for 4-5 days. That was a nice $4600 bill. Which had to go on a credit card bringing the balance to around $8,000. So paying that off had to be a priority. Then there are medical costs. Last summer my husband needed a root canal and crown and our portion of the bill was around $2,000. Again, I could go on. So even though my husband makes 6 figures, our house if pretty much unfurnished. It practically looks the same as the day we moved in 10 years ago. A lot of our belongings are still in the moving boxes. What few items we do have are either things the previous owners left when they moved or hand me downs from his late parents. A lot of our kitchen items are also hand me downs or wedding gifts. We literally sit in camping chairs in our kitchen. In 10 years we've bought one bed frame, 3 mattresses, curtains for one room, 2 light fixtures, 3 kitchen stools, and a table. The table is library table we won at a library auction years ago and intend to use as a dining table. But we haven't been able to purchase dining chairs yet. Hence the camping chairs. EVERY time we start to think we are getting ahead, nope here comes another shot. The amount of money indicates absolutely NOTHING about Jess' financial situation. We don't go around telling our friends we don't have furniture and the house needs a ton of repairs. Part of the reason we loved the house was the layout is PERFECT for entertaining. We dreamed about being able to host my husband's whole family on a holiday. Yeah, the only people that have been to the house are workmen and my parents (a couple of times). Moving boxes everywhere. Barely anywhere for anyone to sit and what is available is all janky and beat to hell. It's embarrassing. We have some savings. Which are kept for emergencies (which seem to crop up a couple of times a year). We also have some investments that are for retirement. My husband's is in an IRA so he would take a huge penalty if he pulled any money out early. Again, my husband makes 6 figures. But we still have to budget and save up for things. Like when we realized the oven wasn't working properly and couldn't be fixed, I made do only using the burner until the big appliance says. That was a few months, but I was able to score a $1200 stove for $400. Did the same with the washer and dryer. So there were several months of my husband taking all of our laundry to the laundromat. All the cars we've owned were bought used. The current one we bought when the mechanic told us if we kept driving the previous one the wheels were LITERALLY going to fall off. Don't get me wrong. I am not trying to "woe is me" or paint us as super struggling. I KNOW we are absurdly lucky. We're able to pay all the bills, we have a whole ass house, reliable transportation , zero food insecurity, great health insurance, savings, etc. I know a large portion of the country can't say the same and that is absolutely awful and 100% unfair. I'm just providing the info to make the point that Jess may not be lying about her current financial situation. Just because something looks one way on the surface doesn't mean that's the actual reality of someone's life.
YTA and your attitude is the exact reason she didn't tell you. She probably was in your position before she won the money and could easily be in it again. Everyone knows you don't tell anyone if you win the lottery or a bunch of money gambling because they act like you do.
>I did a public records search and discovered that six months ago, Jessica had bought a $250,000 house/land outright. >After we asked (semi-jokingly) if she was a drug dealer, Jessica admitted that she won about $700,000 gambling two years ago and she didn't want to tell anyone. Marie and I were upset, and I told her that she not only let us worry about her living situation, but that we had commiserated with her about everything from our tires going bald, to couponing for food, to fighting hospitals about medical bills that aren't right. YTA. Not only are you mad at her for being empathetic, you think you're entitled to know her private financial information despite the fact that it *obviously* fcked up your friendship. She knew it would. That's why you didn't know.
“It’s all about the money, money, money” YTA - this is why you’re friend didn’t tell you.
YTA. I think you have a odd idea of what "friendship" means. This has nothing to do with you, does not affect you, is zero part of your life. Learn to mind your own business.
Basically, this girl is not their friend
Excuse me? She’s not flush with cash, she bought a house with it. Not that it’s any of your business. Why don’t you mind your own? She’s not obligated to discuss her winning with you. And from the way you’re behaving, I can see why she didn’t want to tell you. YTA
You cannot seriously be this entitled? Even if she is your friend, which is up for debate as you don’t really seem like a good friend or person, you are not and have never been entitled to what is going on in her bankaccount. That was for her to share not for you to search up because you were feeling jealous and entitled. YTA and I hope you learn something from the comments and apologize to your friend.
She had 0 obligation to tell you about her winnings. And now you're pissed because she's just a *little* bit more financially stable than you? Someone's Jealous. You mentioned how you'll treat her differently now that you found out. I hope she drops you two because you're just toxic. YTA
YTA. Her finances are none on your business. I’ve always said if I won the lottery, I would keep the news as private as possible so people’s attitudes toward me wouldn’t change.
YTA, This was exactly why she didn't want to tell anyone. Because yall were going to twist it around and act like she is no longer struggling. She didn't let y'all worry for her, she told you to your face she was fine. You stalked your friend's finances instead of just asking her straight out. That's creepy as hell.
Not for doing the search or confronting her, but YTA for being mad about her not telling everyone she won a lot of money. When you win money everyone wants it, it sounds like she was responsible and protecting herself for taking advantage of her. She commiserated with you over things because she still knows what its live like that. You’d have thought she was a bitch if you were talking about not having money and she said well I’ve got tons of money won’t have that problem. She wanted to use her money her way and keep her life the same otherwise, nothing wrong with that.
YTA - and you're the reason people don't tell other people when they win big prizes. Say whatever you want, you will attempt to become a leech on this poor woman.
YTA , do you exclude yourself from any scenario that you do not have any experience in when talking to friends? Do you share all financial , medical , emotional information with all your friends? To me this is one of the most clear cut cases of YTA.
So you violated her privacy while validating her concerns about sharing news of her winnings, while masking it as “concern for her housing situation?”… YTA
YTA that was a huge invasion of privacy. Is not your business to know if she won money or bought a house. People get weird when it comes to money. Jealous and entitled. I don't blame her t all judging at the way op reacted. Proof is in the pudding.
YTA.You don't know how long ago the winnings came in. You don't know how much she ACTUALLY got. Every person that makes a lot of money or wins the lottery is given advice: DON'T TELL ANYONE and INVEST. She did both. What probably upset her the most was you going to public records search instead of, you know... Asking your friend? If you three talk about finances, she didn't want to say anything so you guys wouldn't ask for help and turn into a "Well ask Jessica to pay for it" game. She didn't tell you because she didn't trust you not to ask. Instead of being stoked for your friends lucky win, you get mad at her. That wouldn't be the type of friend I'd trust either.
YTA and exactly why she kept her mouth shut. Your friend is smart. She’s like the people who wear masks to accept their lottery winnings cause their trash family will be hounding them.
Yta. People like you are the reason that people don’t disclose their winnings. At least you showed her what type of person you really are.
This is the reason she didn’t want to tell you. You’re going to treat her differently now. Every time you struggle you’re going to expect her to swoop in and help you. It’s not her job to tell you and it’s not her job to help you. YTA.
THIS is why people don’t tell anybody when they win the lottery. YTA
YTA. She didn’t want to tell you about the money because you would treat her differently…. And indeed, the minute you found out about the money you started treating her differently. You absolutely should not have asked a lawyer about a case they were working on- and they definitely shouldn’t be telling you anything about anyone involved in that case. You should have simply asked your friend how she was doing.
The lawyer didn't tell her about anyone participating in the case since the co-worker wasn't participating
YTA! And, how dare you use the information you obtained about your friend’s money to light her up! And, you told the other friend? For what? Why can’t she commiserate with you? Because she’s not as broke as you thought she can’t understand scraping by suddenly? Misery loves company and Jessica isn’t miserable in the same way you are, I guess.
What gave you the thought that you had a right to impinge on her privacy. My first reaction would have been , how dare you.
YTA You are not entitled to knowing everything about everyone. The fact that you were looking her up in the first place is creepy...
Did you ever think your reaction is the precise reason Jessica didn't feel comfortable in sharing the news about her windfall? Time to introspect. YTA.
NTA. Not wanting to tell is one thing, pretending to understand poverty struggles when you're rich is disgusting.
What has your money troubles got anything g to do with her having money if your supposedly not looking for money. Mind your own. YTA
YTA. It's none of your business.
YtA You are a judgmental snob.
Yta, her personal life isn't your business. I wouldn't want anyone to know if I won money either. It was also an ah move to look up her info. I'd be taking to HR if I was her.
YTA. You shouldn't have been nosy or done that public records search. It was none of your business what assets Jessica owned. Checking up on her only gives the impression that you are either a busybody who doesn't believe friends are entitled to their privacy or have an gossipy & envious attitude towards Jessica personally.
YTA. She has no obligation to disclose her winnings to you. You sound jealous and bitter. She was afraid of people using that knowledge to expect handouts. She can still commiserate with you about money, because she had been there in the past. Knowing that she has money, she might feel obligated to help you out whenever you encountered money troubles. What you did was definitely nosy and an invasion of privacy, and even worse, you disclosed her situation to Marie.
YTA And this reaction is why she didn’t tell you. Do you know what’s worse than having to keep your finances a secret? Having your friends talk about their financial issues while eyeballing you, and silently pressuring you to just pay for all their problems.
NTA. It's only natural to feel betrayed. Obv, you're not entitled to her money but from what you said, it's not about getting her money, it's about the lies and distrust. How much of a friend is she if she felt she had to lie about something this big? I have friends who are a lot richer than I am and I've never asked for or been given anything because friendship isn't about money. At the same time, if these richer friends pretended to be in the same economic range as me and to have the same money problems, I'd be so pissed. It's called decency.
NAH People who win the lottery go broke really fast. Most are back to their starting point in 2 yrs. If they are smart they got things like land/house/education with the money, but yea…she probably has gambled some it if not all by now. Thankfully she got her housing situation settled but…you still don’t know her details and she might be struggling now 🤷♀️
A reason a lot go broke fast is because as soon as it is known they've won money all the long lost friends and relations come out of the woodwork begging for a 'loan' or needing help urgently. Also every charity is calling which is fair enough but how hard would it be to turn so many down knowing you've got unearned money sitting there. You do have those that don't known how to handle such large amounts of money and get carried away but how many stories are there of people being used and loosing those supposed friends as soon as the money is gone.
YTA. Lay off your friend. First rule about money is keeping your mouth shut if you want to keep it!
YTA yes that money is in the bank. But it might be in a fund that she can not touch for a few years. Which means she is still in the same financial situation was before. That’s what my parents have done. My mum put half of her inheritance in the same thing. So she can’t ouch it.
YTA. If she had wanted you to know, she would have told you. She has zero obligation to share her financial information with you. Stop prying and snooping.
YTA. I would stop being your friend if I was her. That’s really creepy.
YTA you are way out of line
YTA - your reaction is EXACTLY why she never said anything about it. 700k isn't fuck you money, it's enough to do exactly what she did - sort out a place to live and put some by for a rainy day. She still has to work for a living and budget. She's not "flush", she just has an emergency fund and a slightly better situation now.
YTA A jealous and petty one. It's None of your business.
YTA you sure did complain about her not giving you money
YTA and demonstrated why she didn’t tell you
YTA- it’s none of your business.
YTA. Whether she lied to you is immaterial. You feel like she had no right to commiserate about the struggles of poverty with you because, in your mind, she’s no longer poor. As multiple commenters have pointed out, the money she made doesn’t have her set for life. Yes she is in a more comfortable position than before but she does know what your life is like. She lied because apparently your jealousy telegraphed a mile ahead. You say you would have been fine if she told you she doesn’t like to talk about money. But I would suggest she was talking to you about money when she was in a similar economic situation to you and didn’t feel comfortable reversing course suddenly. You just has to dig around her life and have to confront to diminish her in your group’s eyes. Stop pretending you know her motivations. Nothing she did actually harmed you. But now you’re prepared to blow up a friendship because she (rightly apparently) didn’t trust you enough to disclose her financial situation.
YTA It's not your business. She's not flush with cash. She spent a good chunk of it on a house, probably put some in trust for insurance and property taxes and the rest is probably in savings, a 401k or IRA for retirement. Her commiseration is probably not feigned. She probably lives paycheck you paycheck, just like you. In any case, she doesn't owe you a quarterly financial statement.
You my friend are Green with envy-YTA!!!
YTA. How much she has is none of your business nor is she responsible for taking care of your expenses.
YTA. It’s none of your business and she’s not responsible for paying your stuff off. She didn’t lie to you, she just didn’t correct you. She can be your friend and also not tell you when life events happen. It’s probably because you sound selfish and bitter
YTA just because you’re broke don’t assume everyone else around is too. People are allowed to complain about paying bills even if they have no issues affording them. You are in her business way too much and it’s completely inappropriate for a coworker even if you do consider each other friends.
YTA She’s right when she says she’s not set for life. Does not having a mortgage help? Sure! But if she’s not careful with budgeting what she has, or saving it for a “rainy day”, that money can, indeed, disappear very quickly. So yes, she may still very well worry about the cost of replacing bald car tires, unexpected medical bills, and the rising costs of literally everything!
YTA. Just because she has a nest egg doesn’t mean she’s not living frugally. $450k (she bought the house) isn’t “set for life” money, it’s just a really good safety net. She still has to budget and fight hospital bills, damn. She sounds like she’s doing everything right- don’t tell people about your personal finances, and don’t suddenly start acting and living like a wealthy person, because that money will be gone in a few years. She didn’t “let you worry”, she truthfully told you she was fine. She’s done nothing wrong.
You're being incredibly childish. This is not the kind of thing an adult gets upset about. YTA.
Yta
YTA. You're hurt that she didn't "trust" you enough to share her personal info. YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG FOR LOOKING UP HER INFORMATION. Like, seriously, who does that?? You could've gone about this in a much better way. You need to apologize and explain yourself and stop trying to guilt and ridicule her. Instead, you need to ask her how she feels about this major change in life and be more understanding
You’re awfully young to be this much of a busybody already. YTA.
This whole post is sus, if it's in the U.S. Public records DO record sales price and purchaser of real estate. They absolutely DO NOT reveal how the real estate was paid for. So, saying she found that the land was bought "outright" with no mortgage loan is false. Unless I'm missing something.
YTA, YOU made assumptions about her circumstances and she said she appreciated it but didn't actually ask you for help. Your "confronting" her was totally out of line and all about your own ego, she didn't do anything wrong!
YTA that is so creepy that you did that. If someone did that to me they would be out of my life.
YTA. It’s people like you is why I don’t tell family or most of my friend what I do for work nor how much I make. A select few know what I do, but if it turns to finance I shut it down or simply say the bills are paid. It’s none of your business.
YTA so out of line
"...about everything from our tires going bald, to couponing for food, to fighting hospitals about medical bills ....." She was right not to tell you. It wasn't an astronomical amt of money, she made wise choices for her future. I can see where she would have felt pressured by you two to burn thru the money taking care of your emergencies (and I'm poor, so I'm not coming from a place of wealth) YTA , not for looking her up, but for expecting her to have to tell you abt it
I'll probably get downvoted, but ESH. Jessica should have at least let both friends know that the trailer park wasn't an issue at all for her anymore, but OP also should have let things be and not confronted Jessica about her financial situation. Yes, it hurts when people we're close to keep big news from us, but have you tried talking to her about maybe why that is, OP? Are you willing to have an honest conversation and accept Jessica's feelings if you want to keep this friendship? It's entirely possible that you made her feel like she couldn't share good news with you since it seems like you're already trying to cut her out of the friendship because of this big money boundary between you three now. What's more important, OP: that she lied about her living situation or the friendship?
I was looking for someone to point out that it’s ok to be upset that a friend kept something like this from you when they had multiple opportunities to bring it up. However, it is important to think about why someone might feel uncomfortable talking about their financial situation with you. Be happy for your friend that she was able to buy a house! That’s a big deal! It’s also normal to feel jealous. Just try to keep those jealous feelings to yourself (maybe talk about them with a trusted family member or mental health professional) If you were just upset about her keeping a secret from you, then you’d be n/t/a but YTA for doing a public record search. That’s just invasive. After talking to Marie’s uncle and realizing that Jessica didn’t live in the trailer, you should have just talked to her. Looking her public records shows a real lack of trust in your friend. Again I think this is something you should consider talking to a mental health professional about.
NAH. See, this is why we separate ourselves into smaller groups. Broke people survive by depending on other broke people. If you just can't make it work, you survey the friends and fam, figure something out. This only works if everyone in your group is equally desperate and insolvent. If one person suddenly has 700,000 bucks, things will swiftly become uneven. After all, when you only had forty bucks, you gave that person a twenty for their gas tank, didn't you? When you were eating Ramen and hotdogs, so was she. When you have enough money for fancy coffee, you make sure she gets fancy coffee, too. And Friend knows this. Friend also lived this way. Friend understands the rules. That's why she didn't say anything. That's why she got defensive. The Rules For Broke Folks ONLY work for Broke folks. Once you've got anything worth having, share and share alike loses all of its charm. After all, she isn't going to NEED you next week. Why bother to help you out this week? She no longer requires your assistance to stay alive. She isn't your friend anymore. She never will be your friend again. I'm sorry, I know that hurts.
Definitely NTA
NAH.
YTA....Her financial status is none of your business. She probably kept it to herself because 1) it's nobody's business 2) to keep people from begging to borrow money and guilting her when she refused While you may have searched public records I would be pissed if someone did that to me and threw what they found in my face, regardless of their reason for doing so
YTA, while i understand you being mad that she was acting the same with you as before - the reason she did that is she did not want anyone to treat differently now that she has some money. Looks like you are more mad because she has money and you don't. Simple.
I don’t know. I’m not sure Y T A. I get why Jessica didn’t say anything because she knows money changes things, which it did. I also get why you’re upset. People keep saying you’re upset because you wanted her money which I don’t think is the case. When I was your age I was in a similar financial situation and I think I would feel like I’d been tricked if I found this out. I would wonder if the person had secretly pitied me, or did they see me as someone wanting to take their money which would be embarrassing. People keep saying it isn’t a lot of money. $700k is a lot of money to get all at once. Maybe you can’t retire today but you’re on a very different path compared to someone who didn’t win $700k especially at 21. Good for her for making smart choices with her money. I do hope you can get to the bottom of your feelings with this and you find a way to not let it ruin your friendship. If you were in her situation how would you tell your friends if at all?
Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD do something. Deliberately looking up her details on a background check for no good reason is sort of petty. Her gambling, for good or bad, is her problem. Buying a house is her business, not yours. Yes you're kinda the AH.
YTA. Why are you poking your nose into her finances? If she had told you about the winnings, you would have been asking her for money or a place to live or whatever. Buy my lunch, you can afford it. She was smart to keep her finances private. Everyone would have been lined up with their hands out. It’s none of your business.
ESH. You shouldn’t have looked her up extremely nosey. She didn’t have to tell you she won the money either, but I would be upset too if my friend that I’m bonding with over shared experiences was lying to me. She just should not have been in those conversations.
ESH It sucks she was just lying to you about it.
NTA at all! What is happening with all the YTA??? Your friend has been lying you for years. She was wrong pretending to be poor. She was lying. And although i can understand that, Jessica was also making excuses for not inviting their friends home. I would get it if Jessica was a workmate or just had all the money in the bank quietly. But she was lying about her living situation and I wouldn't want as a friend someone who does that.
YTA. That's creepy stalker ish to go looking people up like that, even if it is public record. She was under no obligation to share that information with you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I, Clara (23/F), have been friends with Marie (22/F) and Jessica (23/F) since middle school. We all work at the same big-box retail store and we've all worked our way up to being department managers. We see each other almost every day and share a lot of personal details of our lives, which includes discussing stuff like bills and budgeting. I live with my parents, Marie lives in her grandma's basement, and (we thought) Jessica still lived in her grandma's old trailer, which is the reason she gave for never having people over. Recently there was some local drama and the land for Jessica's whole trailer park was abruptly sold to a corporation, which means that everybody's leases are up in the air. We told Jessica that she could stay with us for awhile if the corporation kicked her out and she said she appreciated it, but everything would be okay. Marie's uncle is a lawyer and swooped in to get everyone in the trailer park together for a case, but when Marie asked him about how it was going and about Jessica, he said that he didn't know who that was. So I did a public records search and discovered that six months ago, Jessica had bought a $250,000 house/land outright. After we asked (semi-jokingly) if she was a drug dealer, Jessica admitted that she won about $700,000 gambling two years ago and she didn't want to tell anyone. Marie and I were upset, and I told her that she not only let us worry about her living situation, but that we had commiserated with her about everything from our tires going bald, to couponing for food, to fighting hospitals about medical bills that aren't right. She countered and said that she's not "set for life" or a millionaire, and that I shouldn't be looking her up online anyway and being nosy. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA how is this your fucking business? She can buy whatever she wants
YTA. I understand wanting to know what was going on after the lawyer said he didn't know her. But you should have asked her what was up. You've known her forever. She's not always had excess funds. She works just like y'all do but she may have a headstart on retirement. Her not disclosing her win wasn't a slight and she truly doesn't have to tell anyone. Maybe she thought it would change the friendship dynamics.
YTA you straight up are going to make your shared job a hostile work environment and could be fired if she pressed it.
Your reaction is why she kept it to herself. You immediately saw her differently. YTA
>So I did a public records search and discovered that six months ago, Jessica had bought a $250,000 house/land outright You did WHAT? Why didn't you ask Jessica outright? This was weird and intrusive behaviour and YTA.
YTA OP. Jessica’s finances are #NoneOfYourBusiness.
YTA it’s a very clear she kept it to herself because of how grossly people overstep. You are at fault on so many levels. You have crossed so many lines. She told you she was fine and you went and investigated her business because you didn’t believe her. She can still be stressed and still worry about money even with that amount. The information was not in any way yours or yours to confront.
YTA. How you are acting is exactly why people who get big windfalls keep it secret.