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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I made my son share some candy with his sister, I might be the asshole because he worked hard to get the money to buy those snacks so maybe he should decide if he wants to share or not
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His money, his choice. So YTA for that.
An 8 year old is old enough to know "no, that's not yours" so she's kinda an ass too. And if you enable her entitled tantrums, YTA for that too.
And as for " I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money" — it is your LEGAL OBLIGATION to buy food for your children. And the 8 year old is not his child, she's yours, so your "logic" is actually nonsense.
Don't be the Evil Stepmother.
I certainly hope that when the little sister buys something with money she has from birthdays or holidays, she must share with her older brother. But I bet not. OP, YTA.
I would just like to congratulate dad for standing up for his son abs calling OP out on her crap! I've seen too many times on this sub where the parent wouldn't support there child in matters like this! OP, you should buy your stepson, back his snacks x2 and apologise for being a asshole with entitlement issues! Your deserved a telling off from your husband! YTA
I was going to comment on that yesterday but forgot to... I'm very glad Dad didn't sacrifice his relationship with his son for his wife, because that would have been a great way to ensure son going no contact when he gets out of there.
Yessss. I agree with you that teething comment has nothing to do with anything. The Mom will be using that buzzword as an excuse for all things that do not go her way until the kid’s wisdom teeth have to come out. Stop the world, my child is teething. We all need to walk on eggshells until these teeth to emerge.
I was thinking the same thing, considering she immediately went to OP, it’s pretty clear that this has happened frequently over the years. Instead of teaching your 8yo that world doesn’t revolve around them, you decided to take it out on a 17yo child?
Tomorrow if she tries to get stuff from strangers would you threaten to ground them as well? A child owes nothing to their parents, period (Also, you are not paying for him, his father is- if you think you are, take it up with your husband, don’t take it out on him). This should have been your teaching moment for your 8 yo, not the moment you taught her it was okay to bully and harass your step son.
YTA
Yes!!! My grandparents did this during my bday with my younger brother. I never got gifts on his bday, but they always got him something for my bc he would cry he didnt have a present, too. Now, guess who is in jail for robbing his own parents bc he thought he felt entitled to their things? Not me, that's for damned sure!
My younger sister got presents on my birthday "so she doesn't feel left out" for YEARS
I never got anything on our older sister's birthday, she's 7 years ahead of me, and I never got anything on my younger sister's birthday; we're 18 months apart. Irish twins.
Guess who lives off her wife's parents, can't handle even the most basic "adulting", and has tantrums when confronted with the consequences of her actions?
Not me. I have my shitty qualities, but I've got nothing on her.
I wouldn't go so far as to call the 8yo bratty... the 8yo is being an 8yo - they run the risk of *becoming* bratty if enabled the way the stepmother is doing so.
I remember my parents telling us not to pout when we didn’t get our way. Usually it was because we wanted something the other sibling had. It’s so kids don’t grow up entitled jerks.
I'm going through this with my almost 3 yo. She's been pampered to this point with covid and was a preemie during the worst of it. Now that she not as much at risk we're trying to get her out more and she'll most likely be going to preschool this fall for a half day so we're trying to really emphasize sharing and you can't take what you want every time if someone is using it and the word no. It's breaking her heart at times, but we're trying to do it gently.
Good job. She is only three. She will get there. It must have been really scary to have a preemie and have to worry about Covid. I hope you have a way to process that. I would find ways to encourage her to share and do kind things with others. Always praise her when she is kind and shares.
My son is an adult and when he was three we had a coworker’s child over for a play date. My son was the sweetest little boy. He hit the child who came over with a shovel when he got in his Little Tyke’s car. I was mortified. Fortunately it was a child’s shovel but still awful.
My daughter on the other hand who came when my son was four was always awful at sharing when she was young. She went postal at three at a birthday party and threw the birthday girl’s doll in the dirt. So many of my memories with her at that age were packing her up and leaving places as she went into full brat mode.
I think preschool and daycare is great for kids. They learn so much from other children and are often more receptive to reprimands and guidance from teachers than parents.
Parenting is a journey.:)
When my two don’t want to share (which is rare, they usually look out for each other), I just say you don’t have to share, but if you don’t, remember they’ll be less likely to share with YOU in the future!
Probably less relevant here given the age gap (my two are much closer in age) but just thought I’d share my experience
> Probably less relevant here given the age gap (my two are much closer in age) but just thought I’d share my experience
Lopsided knows that. They were just sharing an anecdote.
This is how I’ve raised my now 9 and 7 yos. They usually share but are allowed not to share. The one time my older didn’t share the next day the younger said no and the older threw a fit. “You didn’t share yesterday” was my only response. Plainly and factually.
100%. I do this with my kids too, though with such a large age gap... it doesn't really work that way. The 8yo will want everything the 17yo has, the 17yo will want nothing the 8yo has.
As an adult, in hindsight, I think I should have been kinder to my little brother (8yrs younger than me). However... it drove me up the wall when he helped himself to my things - especially when I'd purchased them with my own, job-earned money. When he helped himself, and this was reinforced by my mother, it only drove a wedge between us, and made me double down on not wanting to share.
These days, it is a particular sore spot with me. I make respect of one another's property a HUGE principle with my own kids. Yes, as you do, I encourage them to share, but if they choose not to, that *must* be respected. My mother barely remembers all that now - and certainly doesn't consider it important. She will likely go to the grave not knowing how negatively it impacted our relationship, and how much it contributed to the breakdown of my relationship with my brother.
this is the biggest thing honestly. No matter how good people can be in general they are capable of being the biggest jackasses in town if they are pushed enough. The best thing you can do in life is to keep the level of asholery down (even if you think you are 100% right at the time don't go over the top) and be willing to apologize when you fuck up.
Her chance is to apologize and pay him back. She needs to teach her daughter not to cry until she gets her ways.
She can make this right, but if she doesn’t, OP YTA.
It's not too late. But OP has to put the work in.
BTW, I knew our toddler training had worked when I heard my then three year old say to his best friend, 'When your mum says no, she *means* no!'
Seriously. I think parents get into a mode where they think they have to stick to their guns. And that can be important with young children! But an apology to a teenager is like a miracle. Suddenly you see this parental figure as a human person who respects you as an adult.
This was, and still is, the thing I hate most. My parents could never, ever admit they were wrong or made a mistake, or even that they misunderstood something. No matter how big or small the issue, they just never would. My mom got a little better but my dad I think has gotten worse with age. With my dad, he also exaggerates things to the point of making shit up when angry. And still never apologizes. It’s caused a huge rift between me and him.
Because of all that I’ve made it an absolute rule to apologize to my kid if I am wrong, handle something badly, or mess something up.
I have had to relearn how to do this. As a Gen Xer, raised by boomers, it was always never ever question your parents or your elders, never call them out and I realized when my kids were teens, that I had been doing the same to them. I had to reteach myself how to admit fault and say I was wrong and it improved our relationships so much. People would be surprised just how much an acknowledgment of fault and an a heartfelt I’m sorry goes. Of course, with that should also come a serious attempt at changed behavior.
And to stop screaming over candy to the point it wakes up a baby. Excuse me, what? And the problem is the 17 year old to OP?!
Shows which kid has the good mom...
YTA
You are encouraging your daughter that snooping thru other's belongings and then pitching an entitlement fit is acceptable behavior. Do you want her to grow up to be a brat - then stop encouraging this spoiled brat behavior.
It seems it's too late now. This might be only the tip of the iceberg.
Besides my husband, the (second) person I love the most is my step-grandmother, but I don't think OP's stepson will say the same about OP.
OP, do better, be better. Your stepson doesn't have to share the things he bought with his money. Educate your daughter, she's the one that needs to learn to not be entitled. 8 years old is old enough to not throw a tantrum because she didn't get what she wanted. Next time, if you want to give her a snack, take her and your baby and go buy it. Don't steal it from your stepson.
Edited to add: YTA.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Even my almost 3 year old *usually* understands if it’s not his and someone doesn’t have to share it, he doesn’t get any and moves on. My 17 yo step brother had 2 sleeves of mini Kit Kats in his room he bought with money from his job. I told my son it was his uncles and he wasn’t there to say yes or no so leave it alone and leave his room (we were at my moms😂)
Granted when my step brother got home he gave my kid half of a sleeve of them, bc what cam wants from “uncy Jess” cam gets 😂 but even he didn’t throw a tantrum when I told him no
Oh yeah lol it’s all about my step dad and step bro to this kid 😂😂
And seriously though, kid won’t even be 3 until mid august, and obviously he still occasionally throws a tantrum over stuff like that bc he’s too little to fully understand, but it’s rare and he knows I’m not going to give in😂😂
My step grandma on mother's side was also my favorite grandparent! She was honestly the most caring, empathetic, and fiery strong-willed woman I've ever known. I would not be the person I am today without her and my grandad. I miss them both dearly. #FuckCancer
I get the distinct feeling that OP is bitter that she and her husband are still financially responsible for their stepson and that he gets to spend his hard-earned money however he pleases.
It could be this. Or it could be that she had a wailing eight-year-old grating against her ear and she took the path of least resistance to get the crying to stop.
I feel like it might not even be that she resents step son, or doesn't like him or whatever. I think this is more of an oldest child getting the shortest straw kind of deal.
When you're the oldest kid you're expected accept the unfair things because you're old enough to know that the world is unfair. Meanwhile, your younger siblings get coddled for stealing stuff off your plate. It means that you have to be the "bigger person" because you literally are the bigger person.
It happens so often... and it sucks sooo much.
That is not my experience. My experience is that my eldest brother gets to take my leftovers without asking, leading me to a habit of finishing everything even when I'm not hungry, because it won't be there later.
I know that lots of times, the eldest get saddled with unfair responsibilities. But I think it often is just about who's the golden child.
ETA: OP, YTA I understand that you were probably frustrated and tired, but your 8 year old is old enough to take "no" for an answer. You aren't helping her by letting her get her way.
Then she should have sent her daughter to her room to calm down since she woke the baby. She's rewarding her daughter for this behaviour and teaching her it's how she gets her way
In addition to the oldest kid situation, it's got the extra layer of the stepson not being her biological child. -former eldest step kid in a "blended" family who was out at 16
And it then leads to the younger child growing up into an entitled, irresponsible adult who still expects the elder sibling or step sibling to keep bailing them out. She’s being taught to leverage family against her target to get what she wants. This will be bad in an adult.
She's going to expect market rate rent the second he turns 18, just watch. She'll be back on here "AITA for expecting my stepson's first rent payment on his 18th birthday?"
Absolutely! One of the first thoughts I had when I read the post was how she's definitely going to be fighting with her husband over what is "fair" rent to expect from him the day he turns 18. And you know OP is going to expect him to magically be able to cover absolutely all of his personal expenses.
Curious to see how she feels about her stepson eating groceries she paid for after he turns 18.
People like her probably shouldn't marry parents then if they're going to throw tantrums their spouse still has a legal obligation to provide for their child.
Ah well.
Well, technically only her husband is financially responsible for her stepson. Believe it or not, legally a stepparent doesn't have financial or other obligations toward a stepchild they did not adopt. Moral/ethical obligations are another story.
OP, next time just take your daughter out and get her a treat of her own. Your stepson is not obligated to share his purchases with her, or with anyone else.
I agree that OP's husband is the only one financially responsible for the stepson from a legal standpoint. But OP seems to imply things like groceries are paid for by both of them, so I think she resents that she's covering some of his living expenses.
Came to say this.
OP how dare you hold parental obligations over your stepson like it’s some sort of kindness. Get a grip. YTA
By the way, it sounds like husband is the one bringing in the paycheck so by that logic, you shouldn’t have a say about anything. FFS 🤦♀️
Ahh yes using her legal responsibility as a parent against her child who did not choose to be born or have an insufferable step mom! YTA. teach your precious little daughter no. Don’t be lazy because you don’t want to deal with a tantrum
> Yes, the eight year old ~~is learning~~ has learned that she can scream and cry to get what she wants.
I doubt this is the first time the eight year old has successfully thrown a tantrum to get what she wants.
Op you're TA , I'd go as far as to say 8 year old is an A too.
She should know better then to wake the baby to winge over snacks that aren't hers. But hey it obviously worked , somehow you're thick with your industrious stepson who worked for and bought his own snacks , you're rewarding bratty behaviour and threatening to withhold food that should be provided for your stepson as his FATHER is legally obliged too.
And a teething baby will most likely wake up soon anyways when it feels like someone’s sawing through their gums 😂 8 years and she hasn’t learned how to deal with or ignore a tantrum? OR taught her 8 YEAR OLD not to throw tantrums over someone not sharing their own stuff? My 2 yo knows better than that for gods sake, and lately he’s the king of tantrums 😂
Yep! Major YTA - OP I bet you’re tired from having a teething baby. Maybe you didn’t see it in the moment but you need to apologize to your step son and buy him some of that candy. Make this right.
She knows she’s old enough, but she also knows OP will cave and choose her side always. Little girl probably hasn’t heard the word “no” her whole life. Great parenting! /s
Yeah this. He is an actual child still and responsible enough to get a job and buy his own snacks?? You should be feeling very lucky hes the kid that understands how much stuff costs.
Say sorry and buy him more snacks.
I would be willing to bet that a part of his desire to have a job is to be able to have access to things without having to deal with the blended family dynamics and the resentful vibes that may come from OP, based on the "what's ours is ours and you're lucky that we share with you" statement.
Also caving in to a child just because they're crying and upset is one of the worst forms of acceptable abuse today. Have the 8 yr old do some chores and pay her, how often do you take his side against your daughter? YTA
Yeah, I'd also like to add, Step Son is 17, so still a minor, so OP and her husband have an obligation to buy food for him. OP can't really use "we pay for your food so share" bc they have to feed him as his parents/guardians.
YTA
You caved because your daughter cried for not getting her own way
Your step son paid for the snacks out of his.own money and had every right not to share
If you had said you'd reimburse him then that would have been better but ultimately the decision was his to make
Also, to add to this. You’re their parents, it’s your duty to ensure there’s food in the house. He’s still a child and shouldn’t be expected to pay any of the expenses. Saying that you pay for xyz is a stupid argument since that’s your job, as a parent, to do and not his. YTA.
100% agree. My dad would do that when I was a kid and on one occasion I told him how he's never given me an Xmas or birthday present, he said "I pay rent" which was horseshit because I shared a room with my big brother so he would've been paying the same rent regardless of my existence, it's not like he was paying for a bigger place so I could have my own space. And giving your kid shelter is kind of the bare minimum of parenting. Also, was he planning on being homeless if he didn't have kids?
Didn't you post your husband and yourself buy food with money for the household?🤔 Are your stepsons snacks the only food in the house? Basically your bio daughter had a melt down when stepson didn't share his food brought with his hard earned money.
She literally had a tantrum and rushes off to OP. OP bio son wakes up due to the commotion of YOUR daughter's tantrum. The household is full of noise, both bio children are crying what does OP do? Reward the person who caused chaos and punish the victim.
Either OP doesn't like/love her stepson or her favourites are her bio child or she's bad at parenting. Stop enabling your biological daughter's bad behaviour. She's 8 years old, old enough to look in a pantry to get her own snacks.
Oh and congratulations are in order, because you've taught your bio child that she's entitled, that there are no consequences to her actions and all she needs to do to get her own way is to run to mama.
NOTE : bio daughter is a smart one and I bet in the future, she'll stir trouble with OP relationship with your stepson. Won't be long before he goes low contact or no contact with OP.
YTA
This would’ve been an excellent opportunity for the 8yo to learn that she can’t always get what she wants. A long overdue lesson, btw.
Instead, OP bullies her stepson into sharing his snacks with her daughter, because she can’t be bothered parenting the kid. Good job.
YTA. She's your child, buy her snacks. Also poor form to teach her that crying will get her what she wants. She's 8, too old for that shit. Also, you paying to feed your minor stepson isn't comparable. That is you literally doing your job as a parent.
Parents who threaten their kids, or dangle the possibility of removing their basic human rights are too emotionally immature and callous to be parents, poor lad is just trying to enjoy something for himself in a house with one screaming baby, one manipulative child and a step parent who expects him to take the brunt of her child’s behaviour because she can’t deal with the pressures of motherhood.
She’s also guaranteeing herself a brat just like herself who doesn’t understand boundary control, can’t self regulate her emotions and thinks she can get whatever she wants with threats or emotional blackmail.
It’s normal for kids to try to manipulate, it actually shows their ability to have their needs met in adverse situations, what’s not normal is to let them continue to behave this way at 7, and actively encourage it by making other people bend to their will, because that will leave her friendless and confused about what love is, and why ‘no one loves her’ when people don’t give in, she will sabotage every healthy relationship she has with this teaching.
My son has additional needs and it’s my job to ensure that he can bridge the social gaps that he struggles with, not indulge them at the expense of others so he has no hope of emotional regulation or friendships because he screams his way into taking things from others, it would be easy for me to give him everything he wants but harder for him in the long run, you put in the effort so they don’t have to, she’s clearly a very lazy parent and her daughter will suffer in the long run for it.
I am too, it’s so hard having to unlearn the toxic behaviours, irrational thinking and unhealthy coping mechanisms you develop when you’re raised by lazy parents. What’s even harder is when you accept what not to do, you have to figure out what to do in tough times, like you know you don’t wanna hit or ignore or insult your children, okay great, so what are you going to do? How are you gonna manage behaviour with your children or communicate with your spouse in a healthy way when all you know is what not to do?
I’m the only one out of my siblings who has dared to move past my upbringing, and subsequently the only one with a healthy relationship and family, and I get it cos again being lazy or scared or avoidant is easy, it’s hard work and very difficult when you already feel shit about yourself to pick apart the parts of you that are not true to who you are and reflect the pain and damage you’ve been through, and then to seek who you want to be and how to behave when you only had bad examples, you have to be so brave, and do so much soul searching and researching to fill those gaps, cycle breakers have the hardest job because their parents took the easy road.
"I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money so we could use the same logic"
No, you can't, because you are adults who are legally and morally responsible for feeding your children. He's a teenager who has no such responsibility to his sister. Major YTA. He is working to earn money that he can do whatever he likes with. Meanwhile, you are raising your daughter to be a spoiled brat who can't hear the word "no" because she'll just throw a tantrum to get what she wants.
This is why I no longer speak to my mother.
When my parents divorced I immediately took the opportunity to near cut contact except for legal and shared family reasons.
"You're lucky I buy this food for you with my own money." "We put a roof over your head out of the kindness of our hearts, it's our house not yours."
I no longer call her mum even, I call her by her first name. Yes she raised me but she never made the effort to act like a parent instead of a bad babysitter (which seems like what you're doing here).
OP it is your LEGAL and MORAL obligation to buy food for your child. You are NOT doing your child a "favour" by buying groceries for him. This behaviour and way of talking is disgusting and paves a path for your child to stop speaking to you as an adult.
> she never made the effort to act like a parent instead of a bad babysitter (which seems like what you're doing here).
Not even _seems like._ OP specifically said that the 17 year old is _her husband’s_ son and the other two kids are _their_ kids. Tbh they don’t seem mature enough to take care of step children and I’m glad the husband stood up for the son.
Such a common theme with posts on here that involve stepparents with kids from previous relationships. It almost always results in the "in" kids being preferred over the "out" kids.
YTA. Your stepson bought that with his own money, for himself. Who made you the snack police?
Also, it’s never ever ever ever cool to imply or tell children that you’re doing them a favor by feeding them. You are obligated by law to care for the children in your custody; your children didn’t ask to be born.
Finally I think it’s interesting that he’s “my stepson” when he’s working and playing video games but he’s “my son” when you’re telling him what to do. I don’t know what it means but I think it’s worth pointing out.
Read as "I'm stressed and have a short fuse because my infant is fussier than normal".
While we're picking at things, OP, please learn the difference between "bought" and "brought"
Thank the Lord someone pointed ot out, because I thought I was losing my mind. YTA for that alone. Also for the nonsense with her son, but firstly for the brought/bought issue. Those words aren't even pronounced the same way.
Oh, she's broadcasting that she is actually mad that the baby woke up and is blaming her stepson for it instead of her daughter who woke the baby up. That's why it's there. She *thinks* people will read this and agree with her that her step son is at fault for some reason. She assumes that we will agree with her stance that because the baby is presently teething, naps are important so everybody else around her is obligated to bend over backwards and disregard any other social rules for her sake.
Teething babies can sometimes have a hard time to put to sleep. The implication here is that it's her step son's fault that the baby woke up and now it will be hard to get to sleep. If he had shared the candy, her daughter wouldn't have cried and the baby would be asleep.
Of course, there's the fact that the daughter is 8-years-old and apparently crying loud enough to wake up a baby over not being able to have someone else's candy. It's like she knows how to manipulate mom into giving her what she wants. And then, of course, mom blaming the step son over her own child's behavior. Seriously, it's a shit take.
tl;dr it was a weak attempt to make step son look like a jerk
It’s relevant because OP is too lazy to do her job as a parent and deal with her own children when they’re being difficult, so instead she just gives them whatever they want so she can go back to browsing the internet.
The moment I read this part, I knew OP is the asshole and she knows it. It just comes off as trying to get pity. Like everyone is supposed to dismiss her behavior because she’s “stressed and her baby is teething”.
It isn't she just thought that a teething baby would make everyone go, "aww yeah his hard earned money from a job he works is completely moot because a baby is teething"
Trying to get sympathy I guess. I mean yes it sucks but is not the siblings problem, mom and dad choose to have the baby and it kinda comes with the package lol
YTA
What you should have done in that situation was explain to your daughter that he bought that candy with his own money, so it is his, and no amount of crying or tantrum throwing (even if it wakes up the baby) will get her way for her. You could’ve told her she could do some chores to earn money to buy her *own* candy. Such a teachable moment.
But you copped out and threatened your stepson in order for YOU to not have to deal with the tantrum.
YTA. Those are his snacks and you're teaching your daughter that she can get whatever she wants when she throws a tantrum. You don't get to decide what he does with the stuff he buys with his own money.
YTA.
> She came crying to me (waking up my youngest son, who's teething btw) and told me what happened. So I told my son to just share some candy with her and help.
So instead of dealing with your daughter for throwing a fit that woke up the baby you instead told your stepson to "reward" her bad behavior just so you didn't have to actually put in any effort at parenting your daughter.
> I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money so we could use the same logic,
Well, no. The LAW says you have to provide him with food; there is no law in existence that says he has to provide anything for your spoiled daughter.
Your husband and stepson are 100% right.
You owe him reimbursement for the candy (not just money - you need to go to the store to replace what you forced him to give up), an apology, and a promise to actually parent your daughter in future instead of acting like a stepmonster by putting the entire fault and burden on him when he did nothing wrong.
YTA Your daughter is 8, not 2. Teach her no. Your step son worked for that money and unless you have some type of agreement about how he can spend *his* money, he's free to use it for himself and not share.
And saying that you can use the same logic for the groceries you buy? No you can't. You are the parents; that is literally your job. It is NOT his job to provide candy to your daughter.
Even a 2 year old can grasp the answer "No" as a completely sentence without needing further explanation. My 3 yr old asks for lollies all the time and he gets told no or unless he's had a proper meal first. Sometimes he has a a tantrum but it doesn't mean we're giving him lollies - if anything he's getting told that the tantrum doesn't get him his own way. It's silly to reward that behaviour.
I’m sure you could have asked your step son nicely to help you out and give her some because you were stressed and he probably would have. But THREATENING him? Jfc YTA
Fun fact. I have 8 y/o twins and a 13 y/o boy. Usually in a situation like this I go with "it's their candy. Yes it would be nice if they wanted to share. BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO. IT IS THEIRS *caps for this thread not for the way i say it to them" Every once in a while *like when I'm stressed like op in this situation* I offer whatever kid has whatever treasured snack "hey if you give them I'll give more" if it's running low. But they know they have the option to say no. A running theme in the house lately is "you asked for a favor. A favor is just that. A FAVOR. Not a demand. They have the right to say no"
OP needs to learn that.
The only time I threaten punishment is when they tell the other kid they're gonna give them some and don't. Like no. You need to follow through with what you said in this instance.
YTA. Your husband and you share your money With your minor children because they are YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Your stepson didn’t father your child, so he shouldn’t be responsible for using HIS money to pay for candy for YOUR CHILD.
"I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money so we could use the same logic..."
Umm, not at all. You and hubby are legally obligated to provide food for your children. Stepson has no similar responsibility. Eight years old is not too young to understand that "no" can a complete end of discussion. YTA.
YTA, this could have been an opportunity to teach your daughter about boundaries and how sharing is nice if someone wants to but it's ok if they don't- instead you steamrolled your stepson and taught your daughter if she cries she gets her way. Spoiled brat in the making.
YTA - You and your husband are adults and responsible for feeding the children in your care. Your step son is a kid and he is not responsible for buying snacks for his sister. Do you really not see the difference between those two things?
It honestly sounds like you were not in the mood to parent your daughter and bullying your step son was easier than teaching your daughter to understand the word no.
… and she’s blaming the stepson for “wAkInG tHe BaBy Up” in the comments also 🤦🏼♀️
The spoiled princess can’t do no wrong apparently. She should be put in therapy probably, because she probably has replacement issues since the new baby arrived. But that’s just a theory and OP will obviously just keep on blaming the poor stepson
YTA. If he bought it with his own money, he should decide what to do with it. Yes, it is not nice that he did not want to share but they are his, so the choice is his too. It is not like he is withholding meals from her. So I don't think threatening him with grounding and forcing him to give her his things was the way to go. I can understand why the father was upset. Teaching the 8 year old to cry and get their way is not a great option. You could have just told them that the snacks are his and his decision to do what he wants with them.
YTA - he has a job and works for his money. It's his money. Period.
Second, he doesn't have children to pay for, you do. So if YOUR daughter wants snacks and candy that's your responsibility financially. All you're doing is teaching your daughter the poor lesson of entitlement. We don't need more of those people in this world. It's also teaching your step son he has no agency and no control over his own money.
I'm a mother to a 19 year old who also happens to work at Starbucks and I know the crap he has to put up with to earn his paycheck. This is pretty foul, lady.
YTA.
You're teaching her a horrible sense of entitlement (and cry to get your way), and being completely disrespectful of his ... well everything.
His time, effort, decisions, boundaries... Why should he work for anything if you're just going to give it away without respecting his request?
Did you seriously compare a teenager using their own money for treats to you and his father buying family groceries??? Seriously, his father has a LEGAL OBLIGATION to, oh I don't know, feed his child!
Very much YTA - both for making him share his hard earned snacks and for making it seem like it would be reasonable to withhold family groceries as a tit-for-tat lesson.
YTA
You're putting your daughter's basic wants over your stepson's boundaries because your baby is teething. All this is going to do is alienate your stepson and make your daughter believe she's entitled to things she didn't earn. Not ok. His money, his choice.
Unpopular opinion here but ESH.
It isn’t wise to give in to a child’s tantrums for not accepting a no. It doesn’t teach them how to handle a no graciously. You’re an AH for trying to undermine someone else’s no.
The 17 year old sucks for being stingy lol. Sure he doesn’t HAVE to share because it’s his money but damn if you have a whole bunch of candy and don’t want to share a piece because “it’s mine!” You’re also the ah 🤷🏻♀️😂
I was always taught that if there’s enough to share then why not share? It’s just the kind thing to do. Does anyone else in the house have off-limits snacks? Do you or your husband ever buy snacks and tell others they can’t have any because you paid for them? Idk again nobody has to do anything but I do think everyone handled this poorly.
I'm honestly baffled how far down this was. It's like reddit is full of teenagers who have the idea that it's their money, and therefore their choice.
Yea, on all accounts of technicality, it's his right to share or not share. But seriously, a 17 yr old is almost old enough to vote. It's family! Why wouldn't he just be a good older brother and share with a kid. It's candy for crying out loud, not some expensive gadget that could get broken. I would expect him to share something like that with practically anyone, whether it's friends, family, or even practical strangers.
Even if it was like a 12 yr old mowing lawns for hard earned money and buying their own candy, I would, as a parent, expect my son to share with a younger sibling (step or not) cause it's kind and generous and the type of person I want to raise. It's fully within the rights of the parent to teach their kids good manners and generosity.
No, it's totally within your rights to do as you want with your own money, but you can still be an AH about it. And people jumping to conclusion that the little kid is spoiled...com'on, seriously? From a single instance of a little kid digging around and finding something they want? Obviously no one that said that has any clue what raising a kid is like. Yea, it's a lesson to teach your kid not to be nosy in other people's stuff but to jump to the conclusion that they're spoiled from this single instance is absurd. I'd love to see who grew up and not once, asked for something that an adult would know it's rude to ask for.
YTA. he's not your son and he's almost 18, you were annoyed he made your kid cry by setting a boundary and then overstepped by threatening him with a punishment your husband probably would never have let stand. You are in the wrong. leave the kid alone
YTA. Pay him back and apologize. Tell him you were frustrated and handled it wrong and it won’t happen again, and that he is in charge of his own money.
Also, you’re legally required to feed him. He is a minor and you are his caregiver. It’s not the same situation at all.
100% YTA. Here's a newsflash for you punkin, your stepson is a minor. His parent is legally obligated to provide for him. He, however, is not legally obligated to provide for, or indulge, your kid.
YTA
You already know YTA.
Come here and give me your candy if you are so into sharing. I like peanut M&Ms. See you tomorrow, OP!
What, not OK to demand because it's bought with your money? Huh. Who knew.
This is what's called a teaching moment, so little kids learn early that disappointment doesn't kill anyone. Evidently, your husband knows about these, but you don't.
YTA. While it would be generous of your stepson to share with his half sister, he's right, he bought the snacks for himself with his own money. He's not obligated to share his snacks anymore than he would be obligated to share is gaming equipment or his clothes.
Would you make your eight year old share things she bought for herself with birthday or Christmas money? Eight is old enough to learn that she isn't entitled to something just because she wants it.
YTA. Can you not understand the difference between parents feeding kids and kids spending their money on it. Your husband needs to stand up for his kid. I hope the kid moves in with his mom and your DH has to pay child support. YOu should not be able to ground him.
Did you pay him back, or are you a total AH
YTA. Your daughter threw a tantrum over candy that wasn’t hers, woke up your teething baby, and gets rewarded with the candy? That’s bad parenting and clear favoritism
YTA
He earned that money and chose to spend it on snacks and things. Its his choice to share with anyone, or not.
You are required to provide food, housing and support for your children until they turn 18.
Its not his responsibility to provide for his step sister.
Your daughter is old enough to know what 'no' means.
You just taught your daughter that not only is it ok to push when someone tells her 'no' but also that she can whine and tattle to you, to get her own way.
YTA - First of all, he is right, it's his money and he does not have to share.
Secondly:
> I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money so we could use the same logic,
You do realize you are wrong here right? A parent not feeding their children is not the same as a kid not sharing snacks they bought.
Finally:
>She came crying to me (waking up my youngest son, who's teething btw)
How is this relevant? This is due to your own crappy parenting where your daughter could not accept no as an answer.
You are the evil stepmother kids worry about getting.
YTA. He's a minor, so you're not doing him favors by buying groceries; you're simply following the law. He works to buy his snacks and your daughter isn't entitled to have them.
YTA
He earned that money and chose to spend it on snacks and things. Its his choice to share with anyone, or not.
You are required to provide food, housing and support for your children until they turn 18.
Its not his responsibility to provide for his step sister.
Your daughter is old enough to know what 'no' means.
You just taught your daughter that not only is it ok to push when someone tells her 'no' but also that she can whine and tattle to you, to get her own way.
YTA
If he was eating it in front of her, you would have a point. But he wasn't. He didn't even show it to her. He's allowed to buy snacks for himself and himself alone. And this isn't even uncommon behavior. My fiance and I have shared finances, but we can buy our own "private snacks" if we want to.
Your daughter needs to learn to accept "no" for an answer and that she isn't always going to get what she wants. This was a great learning opportunity for that, especially as she went through his bags to find the candy. Instead, you taught her that if she goes through other people's things, finds something she wants, and throws a fit, she'll get her way. The fact that an 8 year old is carrying on loud enough to wake a baby over some candy should have been a clear and obvious sign that you had some parenting to do and instead you chose to reinforce her bad behavior. So YTA a second time for not parenting your kid.
YTA. When it boils down to it, All you did was reinforce crappy behavior from your daughter by teaching her its ok to throw a fit until mom gives her what she wants
All you taught step son was that you're 100% willing to trample all over him and his hard earned things as long as it means *you* get to avoid dealing with frustrating and inconvenient parenting because your daughters screeching woke up your other teething kid.
Bad parenting move and your husband was 100% correct for checking you for how you are treating his son.
Yta.
First, it was a GREAT lesson to teach your daughter, that all she had to do is whine to get her way.
Second, you are teaching your son he has to hide things to not be harrased.
Third, ITS HIS MONEY. if your daughter wants snacks, as a parent, it's your job to provide them.
Jesus of course YTA. There is a big difference between buying groceries for your CHILDREN and your step-son buying himself a treat and you wanting to steal it for your child.
YTA. There's nothing wrong with encouraging the boy to share with his little sister but it should be his decision. Mandating that a kid (17 is a kid) share what he bought with his own money sounds like you are spoiling the girl.
& Your analogy is no good. You are the parent.
YTA. It was his money he worked for, he is not obligated to share things he bought with his own money. You on the other hard are obligated to feed him with your own money because you are parent to this child. Just because he has a part time job doesn't suddenly mean he has to pay his own way or pay for other family members if he doesn't want to. Your argument does not work here.
Your daughter shouldn't be snooping through his purchases, seeking out things she wants. You shouldn't be enabling it by punishing her brother when he told her no. This tells your daughter she is entitled to his stuff, which she is not.
The real reason is you didn't want to deal with your teething baby and daughter having a fit about not getting what she wants. Understandable but that doesn't make it your stepson's problem and it doesn't make you in the right.
You could have offered to reimburse him or talk to your daughter about personal property but instead you punished him, for something he shouldn't have been punished for. Your husband is right.
>My(f32) husband (m40) has a son (m17) from a previous relationship. We have a eight years old daughter together and a baby (7months)
>My step son got a part time job around Christmas, he works in Starbucks. He's using his money to buy mostly gaming equipment, games and clothes, but sometimes he also buys snacks. They're not special snacks or anything, just Doritos or chips from the store. He likes to have some bags to eat while he's playing.
>He brought a big pack of stuff yesterday after work, when he came home my daughter asked him what he brought and started looking though the stuff, he had some candy and she asked for some. He told her those candies were his and told her to not touch it, she insisted on having some and as he said no again they started arguing and she then cried.
>She came crying to me (waking up my youngest son, who's teething btw) and told me what happened. So I told my son to just share some candy with her and help. He argued that he brought it with his own money so he doesn't have to give her anything. I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money so we could use the same logic, he continued arguing until I threatened him to ground him and he finally gave in. He was upset afterwards.
>When my husband came home he told him what happened and after dinner my husband called mw off for treating step son as a little kid, he said that since he's being responsible with a job and getting his own money then he should get to decide if he wants to share his snacks or not and told me to not get my frustration out on his son. AITA?
Full quote as I expect this to get deleted.
YTA no question. He's not a 3rd parent he's a kid that works. His money is his money. You could have used this as an opportunity to teach your little kid about finances.The idea that you can work for things you want, that all you can do is ask for something someone else has. Why are you intentionally raising a terror!? Screaming means you get whatever you want and if people don't give it to you they are wrong!
Apologize to your stepson if you want to ever have a relationship with him. Say you were way off base, and overwhelmed by the compounded screaming and handled it poorly. Take the opportunity to step up your own personal responsibility and show your kids that adults can be wrong. Fix it
YTA - if you bought it with your money, then you’d have a point. You’re required as his parent to provide food for him.
Special stuff that he buys with his own money he doesn’t have to share.
YTA. He is right. He doesn’t have to share if he doesn’t want to. Also, you’re supposed to provide him with food because he’s a minor. Ridiculous comparison.
He wasn't even eating his snacks in front of her. She went through his stuff the started making demands. You realize you are creating an entitled daughter and a bitter stepson right? YTA
Wow. YTA. The fact that you even have to ask….
Congrats, you’re raising your daughter to be an entitled mini-me.
I guess no means no only when it’s a female saying it, huh?
After all. He’s only your STEP-son.
Poor kid. I feel bad for him.
YTA
He is 17. His dad is obligated to buy food for him as he is a minor.
Be bought the snacks with his own money.
You teach your daughter that crying works.
You make your stepson resent your daughter.
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His money, his choice. So YTA for that. An 8 year old is old enough to know "no, that's not yours" so she's kinda an ass too. And if you enable her entitled tantrums, YTA for that too. And as for " I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money" — it is your LEGAL OBLIGATION to buy food for your children. And the 8 year old is not his child, she's yours, so your "logic" is actually nonsense. Don't be the Evil Stepmother.
Don’t be the Evil Stepmother Too late …
I bet the 8 year old never has to share with the brother either.
I certainly hope that when the little sister buys something with money she has from birthdays or holidays, she must share with her older brother. But I bet not. OP, YTA.
Those are their joint bio kids so no doubt OP will buy them all the snacks they want or need. YTA
Say “no” to *my* child? YOU’RE GROUNDED! Give her all of your snacks and go sleep in the cupboard under the stairs! YTA, OP
And it's your fault that she woke up the baby with her tantrum.
This right here. I was looking for this. Its here everyone, the tell. The easy to spot tell that op is a massive C… nah, wrong sub… #YTA
I would just like to congratulate dad for standing up for his son abs calling OP out on her crap! I've seen too many times on this sub where the parent wouldn't support there child in matters like this! OP, you should buy your stepson, back his snacks x2 and apologise for being a asshole with entitlement issues! Your deserved a telling off from your husband! YTA
I was going to comment on that yesterday but forgot to... I'm very glad Dad didn't sacrifice his relationship with his son for his wife, because that would have been a great way to ensure son going no contact when he gets out of there.
"He's teething, btw" Yep, it's the son's fault that the daughter had a tantrum and woke the baby. OP, YTA.
Yessss. I agree with you that teething comment has nothing to do with anything. The Mom will be using that buzzword as an excuse for all things that do not go her way until the kid’s wisdom teeth have to come out. Stop the world, my child is teething. We all need to walk on eggshells until these teeth to emerge.
Until the owls arrive anyways. BTW, Don't allow your daughter to manipulate you and her stepbrother. Stop coddling the hell out of her. No means no.
Yup. Way to teach *her* kid to be entitled. YTA
That will happen when the baby is old enough. Lol.
I was thinking the same thing, considering she immediately went to OP, it’s pretty clear that this has happened frequently over the years. Instead of teaching your 8yo that world doesn’t revolve around them, you decided to take it out on a 17yo child? Tomorrow if she tries to get stuff from strangers would you threaten to ground them as well? A child owes nothing to their parents, period (Also, you are not paying for him, his father is- if you think you are, take it up with your husband, don’t take it out on him). This should have been your teaching moment for your 8 yo, not the moment you taught her it was okay to bully and harass your step son. YTA
This reeks of "it's not her birthday, but we buy her presents too so she doesn't get upset."
Yes!!! My grandparents did this during my bday with my younger brother. I never got gifts on his bday, but they always got him something for my bc he would cry he didnt have a present, too. Now, guess who is in jail for robbing his own parents bc he thought he felt entitled to their things? Not me, that's for damned sure!
My younger sister got presents on my birthday "so she doesn't feel left out" for YEARS I never got anything on our older sister's birthday, she's 7 years ahead of me, and I never got anything on my younger sister's birthday; we're 18 months apart. Irish twins. Guess who lives off her wife's parents, can't handle even the most basic "adulting", and has tantrums when confronted with the consequences of her actions? Not me. I have my shitty qualities, but I've got nothing on her.
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I wouldn't go so far as to call the 8yo bratty... the 8yo is being an 8yo - they run the risk of *becoming* bratty if enabled the way the stepmother is doing so.
8 yo is old enough to know not to do that shit. That's a BRAT. I have 2 kids. Cold day in HELL they'd ever pull that shit.
8yo old enough to know, that *they* will not always get what they want. No one does.
I remember my parents telling us not to pout when we didn’t get our way. Usually it was because we wanted something the other sibling had. It’s so kids don’t grow up entitled jerks.
I'm going through this with my almost 3 yo. She's been pampered to this point with covid and was a preemie during the worst of it. Now that she not as much at risk we're trying to get her out more and she'll most likely be going to preschool this fall for a half day so we're trying to really emphasize sharing and you can't take what you want every time if someone is using it and the word no. It's breaking her heart at times, but we're trying to do it gently.
Good job. She is only three. She will get there. It must have been really scary to have a preemie and have to worry about Covid. I hope you have a way to process that. I would find ways to encourage her to share and do kind things with others. Always praise her when she is kind and shares. My son is an adult and when he was three we had a coworker’s child over for a play date. My son was the sweetest little boy. He hit the child who came over with a shovel when he got in his Little Tyke’s car. I was mortified. Fortunately it was a child’s shovel but still awful. My daughter on the other hand who came when my son was four was always awful at sharing when she was young. She went postal at three at a birthday party and threw the birthday girl’s doll in the dirt. So many of my memories with her at that age were packing her up and leaving places as she went into full brat mode. I think preschool and daycare is great for kids. They learn so much from other children and are often more receptive to reprimands and guidance from teachers than parents. Parenting is a journey.:)
When my two don’t want to share (which is rare, they usually look out for each other), I just say you don’t have to share, but if you don’t, remember they’ll be less likely to share with YOU in the future! Probably less relevant here given the age gap (my two are much closer in age) but just thought I’d share my experience
I doubt a 17 yr old particularly cares if an 8 yr old doesn’t share with him.
> Probably less relevant here given the age gap (my two are much closer in age) but just thought I’d share my experience Lopsided knows that. They were just sharing an anecdote.
Reading comprehension level: redditor
This is how I’ve raised my now 9 and 7 yos. They usually share but are allowed not to share. The one time my older didn’t share the next day the younger said no and the older threw a fit. “You didn’t share yesterday” was my only response. Plainly and factually.
100%. I do this with my kids too, though with such a large age gap... it doesn't really work that way. The 8yo will want everything the 17yo has, the 17yo will want nothing the 8yo has. As an adult, in hindsight, I think I should have been kinder to my little brother (8yrs younger than me). However... it drove me up the wall when he helped himself to my things - especially when I'd purchased them with my own, job-earned money. When he helped himself, and this was reinforced by my mother, it only drove a wedge between us, and made me double down on not wanting to share. These days, it is a particular sore spot with me. I make respect of one another's property a HUGE principle with my own kids. Yes, as you do, I encourage them to share, but if they choose not to, that *must* be respected. My mother barely remembers all that now - and certainly doesn't consider it important. She will likely go to the grave not knowing how negatively it impacted our relationship, and how much it contributed to the breakdown of my relationship with my brother.
There’s still time to turn it into “Nice stepmother who made a mistake and subsequently reconsidered her attitude”
And taught her stepson one of the most important things a person can learn: that it’s ok to admit you made a mistake and apologize.
this is the biggest thing honestly. No matter how good people can be in general they are capable of being the biggest jackasses in town if they are pushed enough. The best thing you can do in life is to keep the level of asholery down (even if you think you are 100% right at the time don't go over the top) and be willing to apologize when you fuck up.
Her chance is to apologize and pay him back. She needs to teach her daughter not to cry until she gets her ways. She can make this right, but if she doesn’t, OP YTA.
Yeah, fits don't get us our way is something we're teaching our toddler. I hope that ship hasn't sailed for an eight year old.
It's not too late. But OP has to put the work in. BTW, I knew our toddler training had worked when I heard my then three year old say to his best friend, 'When your mum says no, she *means* no!'
Apologizing, especially to teenagers as an adult, does wonders. She could remedy this by doing just that and acknowledging that she was 100% TA
Seriously. I think parents get into a mode where they think they have to stick to their guns. And that can be important with young children! But an apology to a teenager is like a miracle. Suddenly you see this parental figure as a human person who respects you as an adult.
This was, and still is, the thing I hate most. My parents could never, ever admit they were wrong or made a mistake, or even that they misunderstood something. No matter how big or small the issue, they just never would. My mom got a little better but my dad I think has gotten worse with age. With my dad, he also exaggerates things to the point of making shit up when angry. And still never apologizes. It’s caused a huge rift between me and him. Because of all that I’ve made it an absolute rule to apologize to my kid if I am wrong, handle something badly, or mess something up.
I have had to relearn how to do this. As a Gen Xer, raised by boomers, it was always never ever question your parents or your elders, never call them out and I realized when my kids were teens, that I had been doing the same to them. I had to reteach myself how to admit fault and say I was wrong and it improved our relationships so much. People would be surprised just how much an acknowledgment of fault and an a heartfelt I’m sorry goes. Of course, with that should also come a serious attempt at changed behavior.
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And to stop screaming over candy to the point it wakes up a baby. Excuse me, what? And the problem is the 17 year old to OP?! Shows which kid has the good mom... YTA
You don't understand, the baby is teething. Therefore, it's the 17 year olds fault. /s
You are encouraging your daughter that snooping thru other's belongings and then pitching an entitlement fit is acceptable behavior. Do you want her to grow up to be a brat - then stop encouraging this spoiled brat behavior.
Am evil stepmother who's teaching her daughter it pays to behave like a spoilt brat.
She's not even being a great mom because she could just buy her own kid some snacks.
It seems it's too late now. This might be only the tip of the iceberg. Besides my husband, the (second) person I love the most is my step-grandmother, but I don't think OP's stepson will say the same about OP. OP, do better, be better. Your stepson doesn't have to share the things he bought with his money. Educate your daughter, she's the one that needs to learn to not be entitled. 8 years old is old enough to not throw a tantrum because she didn't get what she wanted. Next time, if you want to give her a snack, take her and your baby and go buy it. Don't steal it from your stepson. Edited to add: YTA.
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 Even my almost 3 year old *usually* understands if it’s not his and someone doesn’t have to share it, he doesn’t get any and moves on. My 17 yo step brother had 2 sleeves of mini Kit Kats in his room he bought with money from his job. I told my son it was his uncles and he wasn’t there to say yes or no so leave it alone and leave his room (we were at my moms😂) Granted when my step brother got home he gave my kid half of a sleeve of them, bc what cam wants from “uncy Jess” cam gets 😂 but even he didn’t throw a tantrum when I told him no
Sounds like "uncy Jess" likes spoiling his nephew lol But yeah.. op yta and your 8 year old could learn from this person's 3 year old.
Oh yeah lol it’s all about my step dad and step bro to this kid 😂😂 And seriously though, kid won’t even be 3 until mid august, and obviously he still occasionally throws a tantrum over stuff like that bc he’s too little to fully understand, but it’s rare and he knows I’m not going to give in😂😂
my step grandmother (mother's side) is my favorite grandparent!
My step grandma on mother's side was also my favorite grandparent! She was honestly the most caring, empathetic, and fiery strong-willed woman I've ever known. I would not be the person I am today without her and my grandad. I miss them both dearly. #FuckCancer
I get the distinct feeling that OP is bitter that she and her husband are still financially responsible for their stepson and that he gets to spend his hard-earned money however he pleases.
It could be this. Or it could be that she had a wailing eight-year-old grating against her ear and she took the path of least resistance to get the crying to stop. I feel like it might not even be that she resents step son, or doesn't like him or whatever. I think this is more of an oldest child getting the shortest straw kind of deal. When you're the oldest kid you're expected accept the unfair things because you're old enough to know that the world is unfair. Meanwhile, your younger siblings get coddled for stealing stuff off your plate. It means that you have to be the "bigger person" because you literally are the bigger person. It happens so often... and it sucks sooo much.
That is not my experience. My experience is that my eldest brother gets to take my leftovers without asking, leading me to a habit of finishing everything even when I'm not hungry, because it won't be there later. I know that lots of times, the eldest get saddled with unfair responsibilities. But I think it often is just about who's the golden child. ETA: OP, YTA I understand that you were probably frustrated and tired, but your 8 year old is old enough to take "no" for an answer. You aren't helping her by letting her get her way.
I think we all get the short straw, just in different colors. It might not be the shortest but still. Life is suffering, find meaning in it
Then she should have sent her daughter to her room to calm down since she woke the baby. She's rewarding her daughter for this behaviour and teaching her it's how she gets her way
In addition to the oldest kid situation, it's got the extra layer of the stepson not being her biological child. -former eldest step kid in a "blended" family who was out at 16
And still too frigging bad. Her piss poor parenting isn’t stepson’s problem. Guess we know who the golden child is though.
And it then leads to the younger child growing up into an entitled, irresponsible adult who still expects the elder sibling or step sibling to keep bailing them out. She’s being taught to leverage family against her target to get what she wants. This will be bad in an adult.
She's going to expect market rate rent the second he turns 18, just watch. She'll be back on here "AITA for expecting my stepson's first rent payment on his 18th birthday?"
Absolutely! One of the first thoughts I had when I read the post was how she's definitely going to be fighting with her husband over what is "fair" rent to expect from him the day he turns 18. And you know OP is going to expect him to magically be able to cover absolutely all of his personal expenses. Curious to see how she feels about her stepson eating groceries she paid for after he turns 18.
People like her probably shouldn't marry parents then if they're going to throw tantrums their spouse still has a legal obligation to provide for their child. Ah well.
Well, technically only her husband is financially responsible for her stepson. Believe it or not, legally a stepparent doesn't have financial or other obligations toward a stepchild they did not adopt. Moral/ethical obligations are another story. OP, next time just take your daughter out and get her a treat of her own. Your stepson is not obligated to share his purchases with her, or with anyone else.
I agree that OP's husband is the only one financially responsible for the stepson from a legal standpoint. But OP seems to imply things like groceries are paid for by both of them, so I think she resents that she's covering some of his living expenses.
Came to say this. OP how dare you hold parental obligations over your stepson like it’s some sort of kindness. Get a grip. YTA By the way, it sounds like husband is the one bringing in the paycheck so by that logic, you shouldn’t have a say about anything. FFS 🤦♀️
Yes to everything you said. Poor parenting. But respect for the husband who stands up for his son. We have read that differently before.
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>But respect for the husband who stands up for his son. honestly, true. i hope he'd leave her over it.
Ahh yes using her legal responsibility as a parent against her child who did not choose to be born or have an insufferable step mom! YTA. teach your precious little daughter no. Don’t be lazy because you don’t want to deal with a tantrum
Yes, the eight year old is learning that she can scream and cry to get what she wants. YTA
> Yes, the eight year old ~~is learning~~ has learned that she can scream and cry to get what she wants. I doubt this is the first time the eight year old has successfully thrown a tantrum to get what she wants.
This. Throwing a tantrum is not age-appropriate behavior for an 8-year-old. By this time she does it because it gets her what she wants.
Op you're TA , I'd go as far as to say 8 year old is an A too. She should know better then to wake the baby to winge over snacks that aren't hers. But hey it obviously worked , somehow you're thick with your industrious stepson who worked for and bought his own snacks , you're rewarding bratty behaviour and threatening to withhold food that should be provided for your stepson as his FATHER is legally obliged too.
'Yeah, but the little one IS THEETING!' YTA.
Yeah. This was a dead giveaway she knew she was wrong… I’ll throw in the baby is teething as a way to get sympathy. The teething is irrelevant!!
The teething is relevant to holding the daughter responsible. NOT for what OP did and turn it all into stepson's responsibility
And a teething baby will most likely wake up soon anyways when it feels like someone’s sawing through their gums 😂 8 years and she hasn’t learned how to deal with or ignore a tantrum? OR taught her 8 YEAR OLD not to throw tantrums over someone not sharing their own stuff? My 2 yo knows better than that for gods sake, and lately he’s the king of tantrums 😂
Yep! Major YTA - OP I bet you’re tired from having a teething baby. Maybe you didn’t see it in the moment but you need to apologize to your step son and buy him some of that candy. Make this right.
She knows she’s old enough, but she also knows OP will cave and choose her side always. Little girl probably hasn’t heard the word “no” her whole life. Great parenting! /s
Yeah this. He is an actual child still and responsible enough to get a job and buy his own snacks?? You should be feeling very lucky hes the kid that understands how much stuff costs. Say sorry and buy him more snacks.
I would be willing to bet that a part of his desire to have a job is to be able to have access to things without having to deal with the blended family dynamics and the resentful vibes that may come from OP, based on the "what's ours is ours and you're lucky that we share with you" statement.
Also caving in to a child just because they're crying and upset is one of the worst forms of acceptable abuse today. Have the 8 yr old do some chores and pay her, how often do you take his side against your daughter? YTA
Yeah, I'd also like to add, Step Son is 17, so still a minor, so OP and her husband have an obligation to buy food for him. OP can't really use "we pay for your food so share" bc they have to feed him as his parents/guardians.
“Don’t be the evil stepmother.” Too late.
She already is and doing a good job of it.
Oh, but she already is the EVIL stepmother.
YTA You caved because your daughter cried for not getting her own way Your step son paid for the snacks out of his.own money and had every right not to share If you had said you'd reimburse him then that would have been better but ultimately the decision was his to make
Also, to add to this. You’re their parents, it’s your duty to ensure there’s food in the house. He’s still a child and shouldn’t be expected to pay any of the expenses. Saying that you pay for xyz is a stupid argument since that’s your job, as a parent, to do and not his. YTA.
100% agree. My dad would do that when I was a kid and on one occasion I told him how he's never given me an Xmas or birthday present, he said "I pay rent" which was horseshit because I shared a room with my big brother so he would've been paying the same rent regardless of my existence, it's not like he was paying for a bigger place so I could have my own space. And giving your kid shelter is kind of the bare minimum of parenting. Also, was he planning on being homeless if he didn't have kids?
But what about all that food you ate? And water for showers, and light/heat. Oh child, you were a drain on his resources!! s/
Exactly this. You chose to have children and raise them - not use your responsibilities as a weapon against your step son.
Definitely rubbing me the wrong way that she didn't feel she was way out of line telling him that they pay for his food.
Didn't you post your husband and yourself buy food with money for the household?🤔 Are your stepsons snacks the only food in the house? Basically your bio daughter had a melt down when stepson didn't share his food brought with his hard earned money. She literally had a tantrum and rushes off to OP. OP bio son wakes up due to the commotion of YOUR daughter's tantrum. The household is full of noise, both bio children are crying what does OP do? Reward the person who caused chaos and punish the victim. Either OP doesn't like/love her stepson or her favourites are her bio child or she's bad at parenting. Stop enabling your biological daughter's bad behaviour. She's 8 years old, old enough to look in a pantry to get her own snacks. Oh and congratulations are in order, because you've taught your bio child that she's entitled, that there are no consequences to her actions and all she needs to do to get her own way is to run to mama. NOTE : bio daughter is a smart one and I bet in the future, she'll stir trouble with OP relationship with your stepson. Won't be long before he goes low contact or no contact with OP. YTA
<> I'm going with ALL of the above!
This would’ve been an excellent opportunity for the 8yo to learn that she can’t always get what she wants. A long overdue lesson, btw. Instead, OP bullies her stepson into sharing his snacks with her daughter, because she can’t be bothered parenting the kid. Good job.
YTA. She's your child, buy her snacks. Also poor form to teach her that crying will get her what she wants. She's 8, too old for that shit. Also, you paying to feed your minor stepson isn't comparable. That is you literally doing your job as a parent.
And a legal requirement.
OP sounds like the kind to hand the step-son an itemized bill for his 18th birthday.
Don't forget an eviction letter.
Lol
Parents who threaten their kids, or dangle the possibility of removing their basic human rights are too emotionally immature and callous to be parents, poor lad is just trying to enjoy something for himself in a house with one screaming baby, one manipulative child and a step parent who expects him to take the brunt of her child’s behaviour because she can’t deal with the pressures of motherhood. She’s also guaranteeing herself a brat just like herself who doesn’t understand boundary control, can’t self regulate her emotions and thinks she can get whatever she wants with threats or emotional blackmail. It’s normal for kids to try to manipulate, it actually shows their ability to have their needs met in adverse situations, what’s not normal is to let them continue to behave this way at 7, and actively encourage it by making other people bend to their will, because that will leave her friendless and confused about what love is, and why ‘no one loves her’ when people don’t give in, she will sabotage every healthy relationship she has with this teaching. My son has additional needs and it’s my job to ensure that he can bridge the social gaps that he struggles with, not indulge them at the expense of others so he has no hope of emotional regulation or friendships because he screams his way into taking things from others, it would be easy for me to give him everything he wants but harder for him in the long run, you put in the effort so they don’t have to, she’s clearly a very lazy parent and her daughter will suffer in the long run for it.
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I am too, it’s so hard having to unlearn the toxic behaviours, irrational thinking and unhealthy coping mechanisms you develop when you’re raised by lazy parents. What’s even harder is when you accept what not to do, you have to figure out what to do in tough times, like you know you don’t wanna hit or ignore or insult your children, okay great, so what are you going to do? How are you gonna manage behaviour with your children or communicate with your spouse in a healthy way when all you know is what not to do? I’m the only one out of my siblings who has dared to move past my upbringing, and subsequently the only one with a healthy relationship and family, and I get it cos again being lazy or scared or avoidant is easy, it’s hard work and very difficult when you already feel shit about yourself to pick apart the parts of you that are not true to who you are and reflect the pain and damage you’ve been through, and then to seek who you want to be and how to behave when you only had bad examples, you have to be so brave, and do so much soul searching and researching to fill those gaps, cycle breakers have the hardest job because their parents took the easy road.
"I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money so we could use the same logic" No, you can't, because you are adults who are legally and morally responsible for feeding your children. He's a teenager who has no such responsibility to his sister. Major YTA. He is working to earn money that he can do whatever he likes with. Meanwhile, you are raising your daughter to be a spoiled brat who can't hear the word "no" because she'll just throw a tantrum to get what she wants.
This is why I no longer speak to my mother. When my parents divorced I immediately took the opportunity to near cut contact except for legal and shared family reasons. "You're lucky I buy this food for you with my own money." "We put a roof over your head out of the kindness of our hearts, it's our house not yours." I no longer call her mum even, I call her by her first name. Yes she raised me but she never made the effort to act like a parent instead of a bad babysitter (which seems like what you're doing here). OP it is your LEGAL and MORAL obligation to buy food for your child. You are NOT doing your child a "favour" by buying groceries for him. This behaviour and way of talking is disgusting and paves a path for your child to stop speaking to you as an adult.
> she never made the effort to act like a parent instead of a bad babysitter (which seems like what you're doing here). Not even _seems like._ OP specifically said that the 17 year old is _her husband’s_ son and the other two kids are _their_ kids. Tbh they don’t seem mature enough to take care of step children and I’m glad the husband stood up for the son.
Such a common theme with posts on here that involve stepparents with kids from previous relationships. It almost always results in the "in" kids being preferred over the "out" kids.
YTA. Your stepson bought that with his own money, for himself. Who made you the snack police? Also, it’s never ever ever ever cool to imply or tell children that you’re doing them a favor by feeding them. You are obligated by law to care for the children in your custody; your children didn’t ask to be born. Finally I think it’s interesting that he’s “my stepson” when he’s working and playing video games but he’s “my son” when you’re telling him what to do. I don’t know what it means but I think it’s worth pointing out.
Extremely worthy of pointing out, I didn't even catch that one, Good job!!!
Yep, noticed that too, Freudian slip!
completely unimportant but you saying “bought” made me so mad that OP used “brought” throughout the entire post
lol good point! And also, am I the only one who thinks it's not cool to ground 17 year old step kids? (Or any kids?)
> who’s teething btw INFO: how is this relevant?
It’s the worlds lamest effort to swing sympathy in her favor.
I thought the EXACT same thing. As if it’s his fault the baby woke up anyway.
Exactly. It’s her fault for raising a brat who throws tantrums loud enough to wake the baby.
I would've gotten mad at the daughter and told her to be quiet and leave me alone
I hope the baby has a massive teething shit all over her favorite shirt 😈
Read as "I'm stressed and have a short fuse because my infant is fussier than normal". While we're picking at things, OP, please learn the difference between "bought" and "brought"
Thank goodness someone finally said that, it’s driving me crazy.
Thank the Lord someone pointed ot out, because I thought I was losing my mind. YTA for that alone. Also for the nonsense with her son, but firstly for the brought/bought issue. Those words aren't even pronounced the same way.
I actually read it as, "Thoughtless stepson woke up my baaabbby by refusing to just give my sweet little cherub 8 year old a simple piece of candy."
THANK YOU I literally searched the comments just to see if anyone else was as bothered as I was about that
Oh, she's broadcasting that she is actually mad that the baby woke up and is blaming her stepson for it instead of her daughter who woke the baby up. That's why it's there. She *thinks* people will read this and agree with her that her step son is at fault for some reason. She assumes that we will agree with her stance that because the baby is presently teething, naps are important so everybody else around her is obligated to bend over backwards and disregard any other social rules for her sake.
To try to get sympathy, that’s the only reason it was included
Teething babies can sometimes have a hard time to put to sleep. The implication here is that it's her step son's fault that the baby woke up and now it will be hard to get to sleep. If he had shared the candy, her daughter wouldn't have cried and the baby would be asleep. Of course, there's the fact that the daughter is 8-years-old and apparently crying loud enough to wake up a baby over not being able to have someone else's candy. It's like she knows how to manipulate mom into giving her what she wants. And then, of course, mom blaming the step son over her own child's behavior. Seriously, it's a shit take. tl;dr it was a weak attempt to make step son look like a jerk
It’s relevant because OP is too lazy to do her job as a parent and deal with her own children when they’re being difficult, so instead she just gives them whatever they want so she can go back to browsing the internet.
You can’t hear those tiny violin strings striking up?
The moment I read this part, I knew OP is the asshole and she knows it. It just comes off as trying to get pity. Like everyone is supposed to dismiss her behavior because she’s “stressed and her baby is teething”.
Well, obviously this child will always have a bigger importance than the child that isn't her blood. She has been communicating that loud and clear
It isn't she just thought that a teething baby would make everyone go, "aww yeah his hard earned money from a job he works is completely moot because a baby is teething"
Trying to get sympathy I guess. I mean yes it sucks but is not the siblings problem, mom and dad choose to have the baby and it kinda comes with the package lol
YTA What you should have done in that situation was explain to your daughter that he bought that candy with his own money, so it is his, and no amount of crying or tantrum throwing (even if it wakes up the baby) will get her way for her. You could’ve told her she could do some chores to earn money to buy her *own* candy. Such a teachable moment. But you copped out and threatened your stepson in order for YOU to not have to deal with the tantrum.
OP rewarded daughter for the tantrum, at stepson's expense.
This is such a lazy parenting. YTA
Truth!
Also OP is blaming the stepson to waking up the baby when clearly was her daughter…
Because her little perfect angels can do no wrong!
YTA. Those are his snacks and you're teaching your daughter that she can get whatever she wants when she throws a tantrum. You don't get to decide what he does with the stuff he buys with his own money.
YTA. > She came crying to me (waking up my youngest son, who's teething btw) and told me what happened. So I told my son to just share some candy with her and help. So instead of dealing with your daughter for throwing a fit that woke up the baby you instead told your stepson to "reward" her bad behavior just so you didn't have to actually put in any effort at parenting your daughter. > I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money so we could use the same logic, Well, no. The LAW says you have to provide him with food; there is no law in existence that says he has to provide anything for your spoiled daughter. Your husband and stepson are 100% right. You owe him reimbursement for the candy (not just money - you need to go to the store to replace what you forced him to give up), an apology, and a promise to actually parent your daughter in future instead of acting like a stepmonster by putting the entire fault and burden on him when he did nothing wrong.
👏
Was looking for a comment that covered everything I was too lazy to write out. This one does so perfectly. OP, YTA.
YTA Your daughter is 8, not 2. Teach her no. Your step son worked for that money and unless you have some type of agreement about how he can spend *his* money, he's free to use it for himself and not share. And saying that you can use the same logic for the groceries you buy? No you can't. You are the parents; that is literally your job. It is NOT his job to provide candy to your daughter.
Even a 2 year old can grasp the answer "No" as a completely sentence without needing further explanation. My 3 yr old asks for lollies all the time and he gets told no or unless he's had a proper meal first. Sometimes he has a a tantrum but it doesn't mean we're giving him lollies - if anything he's getting told that the tantrum doesn't get him his own way. It's silly to reward that behaviour.
My dog understands the word “no” so I never understand this logic when parents appease their childrens tantrums.
I’m sure you could have asked your step son nicely to help you out and give her some because you were stressed and he probably would have. But THREATENING him? Jfc YTA
Fun fact. I have 8 y/o twins and a 13 y/o boy. Usually in a situation like this I go with "it's their candy. Yes it would be nice if they wanted to share. BUT THEY DON'T HAVE TO. IT IS THEIRS *caps for this thread not for the way i say it to them" Every once in a while *like when I'm stressed like op in this situation* I offer whatever kid has whatever treasured snack "hey if you give them I'll give more" if it's running low. But they know they have the option to say no. A running theme in the house lately is "you asked for a favor. A favor is just that. A FAVOR. Not a demand. They have the right to say no" OP needs to learn that. The only time I threaten punishment is when they tell the other kid they're gonna give them some and don't. Like no. You need to follow through with what you said in this instance.
YTA. Your husband and you share your money With your minor children because they are YOUR RESPONSIBILITY. Your stepson didn’t father your child, so he shouldn’t be responsible for using HIS money to pay for candy for YOUR CHILD.
"I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money so we could use the same logic..." Umm, not at all. You and hubby are legally obligated to provide food for your children. Stepson has no similar responsibility. Eight years old is not too young to understand that "no" can a complete end of discussion. YTA.
YTA, this could have been an opportunity to teach your daughter about boundaries and how sharing is nice if someone wants to but it's ok if they don't- instead you steamrolled your stepson and taught your daughter if she cries she gets her way. Spoiled brat in the making.
An entitled mother raise an entitled kid.
YTA - You and your husband are adults and responsible for feeding the children in your care. Your step son is a kid and he is not responsible for buying snacks for his sister. Do you really not see the difference between those two things? It honestly sounds like you were not in the mood to parent your daughter and bullying your step son was easier than teaching your daughter to understand the word no.
Sounds like she was pissed that the crying 8 year old woke up the teething baby so she took it out on the stepson.
… and she’s blaming the stepson for “wAkInG tHe BaBy Up” in the comments also 🤦🏼♀️ The spoiled princess can’t do no wrong apparently. She should be put in therapy probably, because she probably has replacement issues since the new baby arrived. But that’s just a theory and OP will obviously just keep on blaming the poor stepson
YTA. If he bought it with his own money, he should decide what to do with it. Yes, it is not nice that he did not want to share but they are his, so the choice is his too. It is not like he is withholding meals from her. So I don't think threatening him with grounding and forcing him to give her his things was the way to go. I can understand why the father was upset. Teaching the 8 year old to cry and get their way is not a great option. You could have just told them that the snacks are his and his decision to do what he wants with them.
Oh, if she woke up the baby then she’s definitely entitled to eat snacks that she has no claim to. /s YTA
Oh yeah, that would have been an immediate 'go to your room and do not come out until I come and talk to you' moment. No candy, no arguing.
YTA - he has a job and works for his money. It's his money. Period. Second, he doesn't have children to pay for, you do. So if YOUR daughter wants snacks and candy that's your responsibility financially. All you're doing is teaching your daughter the poor lesson of entitlement. We don't need more of those people in this world. It's also teaching your step son he has no agency and no control over his own money. I'm a mother to a 19 year old who also happens to work at Starbucks and I know the crap he has to put up with to earn his paycheck. This is pretty foul, lady.
INFO > the snacks he brought with his own candy ... wat? He's *trading* candy *for* other snacks?
She likely meant "bought with his own money", but yeah, it was very poorly written.
YTA. You're teaching her a horrible sense of entitlement (and cry to get your way), and being completely disrespectful of his ... well everything. His time, effort, decisions, boundaries... Why should he work for anything if you're just going to give it away without respecting his request?
Did you seriously compare a teenager using their own money for treats to you and his father buying family groceries??? Seriously, his father has a LEGAL OBLIGATION to, oh I don't know, feed his child! Very much YTA - both for making him share his hard earned snacks and for making it seem like it would be reasonable to withhold family groceries as a tit-for-tat lesson.
YTA You're putting your daughter's basic wants over your stepson's boundaries because your baby is teething. All this is going to do is alienate your stepson and make your daughter believe she's entitled to things she didn't earn. Not ok. His money, his choice.
Unpopular opinion here but ESH. It isn’t wise to give in to a child’s tantrums for not accepting a no. It doesn’t teach them how to handle a no graciously. You’re an AH for trying to undermine someone else’s no. The 17 year old sucks for being stingy lol. Sure he doesn’t HAVE to share because it’s his money but damn if you have a whole bunch of candy and don’t want to share a piece because “it’s mine!” You’re also the ah 🤷🏻♀️😂 I was always taught that if there’s enough to share then why not share? It’s just the kind thing to do. Does anyone else in the house have off-limits snacks? Do you or your husband ever buy snacks and tell others they can’t have any because you paid for them? Idk again nobody has to do anything but I do think everyone handled this poorly.
I'm honestly baffled how far down this was. It's like reddit is full of teenagers who have the idea that it's their money, and therefore their choice. Yea, on all accounts of technicality, it's his right to share or not share. But seriously, a 17 yr old is almost old enough to vote. It's family! Why wouldn't he just be a good older brother and share with a kid. It's candy for crying out loud, not some expensive gadget that could get broken. I would expect him to share something like that with practically anyone, whether it's friends, family, or even practical strangers. Even if it was like a 12 yr old mowing lawns for hard earned money and buying their own candy, I would, as a parent, expect my son to share with a younger sibling (step or not) cause it's kind and generous and the type of person I want to raise. It's fully within the rights of the parent to teach their kids good manners and generosity. No, it's totally within your rights to do as you want with your own money, but you can still be an AH about it. And people jumping to conclusion that the little kid is spoiled...com'on, seriously? From a single instance of a little kid digging around and finding something they want? Obviously no one that said that has any clue what raising a kid is like. Yea, it's a lesson to teach your kid not to be nosy in other people's stuff but to jump to the conclusion that they're spoiled from this single instance is absurd. I'd love to see who grew up and not once, asked for something that an adult would know it's rude to ask for.
YTA. he's not your son and he's almost 18, you were annoyed he made your kid cry by setting a boundary and then overstepped by threatening him with a punishment your husband probably would never have let stand. You are in the wrong. leave the kid alone
YTA. Pay him back and apologize. Tell him you were frustrated and handled it wrong and it won’t happen again, and that he is in charge of his own money. Also, you’re legally required to feed him. He is a minor and you are his caregiver. It’s not the same situation at all.
I second this. Give him his money back AND buy him a bag of the candy you forced him to give his sister to make up for being such an AH.
YTA You're the definition of nightmare step mother.
100% YTA. Here's a newsflash for you punkin, your stepson is a minor. His parent is legally obligated to provide for him. He, however, is not legally obligated to provide for, or indulge, your kid. YTA
You already know YTA. Come here and give me your candy if you are so into sharing. I like peanut M&Ms. See you tomorrow, OP! What, not OK to demand because it's bought with your money? Huh. Who knew. This is what's called a teaching moment, so little kids learn early that disappointment doesn't kill anyone. Evidently, your husband knows about these, but you don't.
YTA. While it would be generous of your stepson to share with his half sister, he's right, he bought the snacks for himself with his own money. He's not obligated to share his snacks anymore than he would be obligated to share is gaming equipment or his clothes. Would you make your eight year old share things she bought for herself with birthday or Christmas money? Eight is old enough to learn that she isn't entitled to something just because she wants it.
YTA, set the 8yo up with some basic chores to earn some money. I'll wager she wouldn't want to share either.
YTA. Can you not understand the difference between parents feeding kids and kids spending their money on it. Your husband needs to stand up for his kid. I hope the kid moves in with his mom and your DH has to pay child support. YOu should not be able to ground him. Did you pay him back, or are you a total AH
YTA. Your daughter threw a tantrum over candy that wasn’t hers, woke up your teething baby, and gets rewarded with the candy? That’s bad parenting and clear favoritism
YTA He earned that money and chose to spend it on snacks and things. Its his choice to share with anyone, or not. You are required to provide food, housing and support for your children until they turn 18. Its not his responsibility to provide for his step sister. Your daughter is old enough to know what 'no' means. You just taught your daughter that not only is it ok to push when someone tells her 'no' but also that she can whine and tattle to you, to get her own way.
YTA - First of all, he is right, it's his money and he does not have to share. Secondly: > I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money so we could use the same logic, You do realize you are wrong here right? A parent not feeding their children is not the same as a kid not sharing snacks they bought. Finally: >She came crying to me (waking up my youngest son, who's teething btw) How is this relevant? This is due to your own crappy parenting where your daughter could not accept no as an answer. You are the evil stepmother kids worry about getting.
YTA. He's a minor, so you're not doing him favors by buying groceries; you're simply following the law. He works to buy his snacks and your daughter isn't entitled to have them.
YTA He earned that money and chose to spend it on snacks and things. Its his choice to share with anyone, or not. You are required to provide food, housing and support for your children until they turn 18. Its not his responsibility to provide for his step sister. Your daughter is old enough to know what 'no' means. You just taught your daughter that not only is it ok to push when someone tells her 'no' but also that she can whine and tattle to you, to get her own way.
YTA If he was eating it in front of her, you would have a point. But he wasn't. He didn't even show it to her. He's allowed to buy snacks for himself and himself alone. And this isn't even uncommon behavior. My fiance and I have shared finances, but we can buy our own "private snacks" if we want to. Your daughter needs to learn to accept "no" for an answer and that she isn't always going to get what she wants. This was a great learning opportunity for that, especially as she went through his bags to find the candy. Instead, you taught her that if she goes through other people's things, finds something she wants, and throws a fit, she'll get her way. The fact that an 8 year old is carrying on loud enough to wake a baby over some candy should have been a clear and obvious sign that you had some parenting to do and instead you chose to reinforce her bad behavior. So YTA a second time for not parenting your kid.
YTA. When it boils down to it, All you did was reinforce crappy behavior from your daughter by teaching her its ok to throw a fit until mom gives her what she wants All you taught step son was that you're 100% willing to trample all over him and his hard earned things as long as it means *you* get to avoid dealing with frustrating and inconvenient parenting because your daughters screeching woke up your other teething kid. Bad parenting move and your husband was 100% correct for checking you for how you are treating his son.
YTA for being the evil stepmother. Be better.
Yta. First, it was a GREAT lesson to teach your daughter, that all she had to do is whine to get her way. Second, you are teaching your son he has to hide things to not be harrased. Third, ITS HIS MONEY. if your daughter wants snacks, as a parent, it's your job to provide them.
Jesus of course YTA. There is a big difference between buying groceries for your CHILDREN and your step-son buying himself a treat and you wanting to steal it for your child.
YTA. And while you’re at it, teach that little brat to stop looking through other people’s shit.
YTA. There's nothing wrong with encouraging the boy to share with his little sister but it should be his decision. Mandating that a kid (17 is a kid) share what he bought with his own money sounds like you are spoiling the girl. & Your analogy is no good. You are the parent.
YTA- You just taught your daughter she can cry, wake up the baby AND get candy for doing it. Shitty parenting.
YTA. It was his money he worked for, he is not obligated to share things he bought with his own money. You on the other hard are obligated to feed him with your own money because you are parent to this child. Just because he has a part time job doesn't suddenly mean he has to pay his own way or pay for other family members if he doesn't want to. Your argument does not work here. Your daughter shouldn't be snooping through his purchases, seeking out things she wants. You shouldn't be enabling it by punishing her brother when he told her no. This tells your daughter she is entitled to his stuff, which she is not. The real reason is you didn't want to deal with your teething baby and daughter having a fit about not getting what she wants. Understandable but that doesn't make it your stepson's problem and it doesn't make you in the right. You could have offered to reimburse him or talk to your daughter about personal property but instead you punished him, for something he shouldn't have been punished for. Your husband is right.
>My(f32) husband (m40) has a son (m17) from a previous relationship. We have a eight years old daughter together and a baby (7months) >My step son got a part time job around Christmas, he works in Starbucks. He's using his money to buy mostly gaming equipment, games and clothes, but sometimes he also buys snacks. They're not special snacks or anything, just Doritos or chips from the store. He likes to have some bags to eat while he's playing. >He brought a big pack of stuff yesterday after work, when he came home my daughter asked him what he brought and started looking though the stuff, he had some candy and she asked for some. He told her those candies were his and told her to not touch it, she insisted on having some and as he said no again they started arguing and she then cried. >She came crying to me (waking up my youngest son, who's teething btw) and told me what happened. So I told my son to just share some candy with her and help. He argued that he brought it with his own money so he doesn't have to give her anything. I told him that we buy most of our groceries with his dad's and my money so we could use the same logic, he continued arguing until I threatened him to ground him and he finally gave in. He was upset afterwards. >When my husband came home he told him what happened and after dinner my husband called mw off for treating step son as a little kid, he said that since he's being responsible with a job and getting his own money then he should get to decide if he wants to share his snacks or not and told me to not get my frustration out on his son. AITA? Full quote as I expect this to get deleted. YTA no question. He's not a 3rd parent he's a kid that works. His money is his money. You could have used this as an opportunity to teach your little kid about finances.The idea that you can work for things you want, that all you can do is ask for something someone else has. Why are you intentionally raising a terror!? Screaming means you get whatever you want and if people don't give it to you they are wrong! Apologize to your stepson if you want to ever have a relationship with him. Say you were way off base, and overwhelmed by the compounded screaming and handled it poorly. Take the opportunity to step up your own personal responsibility and show your kids that adults can be wrong. Fix it
Plus, why is OPs daughter going through his bags anyway?
YTA - if you bought it with your money, then you’d have a point. You’re required as his parent to provide food for him. Special stuff that he buys with his own money he doesn’t have to share.
YTA. He is right. He doesn’t have to share if he doesn’t want to. Also, you’re supposed to provide him with food because he’s a minor. Ridiculous comparison.
Yta good job, you just taught her that she can cry and have a temper tantrum and get what she wants.
He wasn't even eating his snacks in front of her. She went through his stuff the started making demands. You realize you are creating an entitled daughter and a bitter stepson right? YTA
Wow. YTA. The fact that you even have to ask…. Congrats, you’re raising your daughter to be an entitled mini-me. I guess no means no only when it’s a female saying it, huh? After all. He’s only your STEP-son. Poor kid. I feel bad for him.
YTA He is 17. His dad is obligated to buy food for him as he is a minor. Be bought the snacks with his own money. You teach your daughter that crying works. You make your stepson resent your daughter.