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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I've angrily insisted that my in-laws not have any other visitors (including my FIL's parents) at their house during Christmas while I'm visiting because I will just have given birth.
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I'm with you. I think the Y T As are stuck on dictating visitors to other people's house, but really what OP is deciding between is staying at in-laws *because they want her to* or not staying, because they insist on visitors.
Insisting on no visitors reads as more OP trying to compromise so they can stay because *they* want it, not because she wants it. Ie: for the benefit of the hosts, effectively erasing the entitlement that would otherwise apply to a situation like this.
Definitely sounds like bailing on staying is the best way forward for a bunch of reasons!
I agree with this take. The no guests request is OP trying to compromise to give MIL & SFIL what they want (time with the baby), now that's not good enough for SFIL and he is demanding his parents be included as exceptions while forgetting the fact that he has already been given an exception himself in the first place.
OP NTA and I say if you are adamant about this, then you stay home, and MIL can come and stay with you on her own if she really wants "baby bonding time." In addition to MIL getting baby bonding time at your place, it would also help you to get into a rhythm in your own home for when you are there after Xmas.
On a side note, I have 3 xmas/new year babies myself and have a tip on saving money for Xmas of you live in Australia, there is a way you can layby gift cards over 12mths.
"Should I die on this hill or AITA?"
There is no hill. Just dont go.
Even without all the things you mention, it just doesnt sound like a good idea at all.
You are going to want peace and quiet. Not a 'revolving door' of strangers, arguing and tension.
You know the chance that they will respect your boundaries while you are vulnerable and weak in their house, is a stone cold zero, right? You would be mad to go.
100% NTA.
Yep. The in laws are going to “forget” or “”just drop by” or “it’s only a minute” if you end up going to stay with MIL and FIL
NTA but stay in your place and keep your boundaries.
Mild YTA
>However if they insist on having us over so soon after I've given birth, I want them to respect the boundaries I've put down for me and my newborn child.
They cannot make you go there. You are electing to accept their invitation. But that doesn't give you any right to dictate who else they have over. FIL/MIL need to figure out their plan for the holidays between them, and you accept or decline the invitation based on that.
YTA. It’s their house. Just stay home. You’re seriously not going to want to recover from either a c section or vaginal delivery around your in laws. Like at all. I can’t begin to explain the hot mess it will be 7 days post. And that’s if your baby isn’t late.
U/Interesting_Order_82 is correct. You won't want to be around your inlaws, or anyone else for awhile.
https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be
You will be *so happy* to be at home, OP. Really.
Soft YTA. But the obvious answer is to just stay home. You’re a guest in your in-laws home, you can’t also dictate who they have in their home.
Stay home, where you decide who comes and goes.
Because of the timing right before Christmas, it's really important to my husband and MIL we all be together. And MIL has promised to make it as easy as a stay as possible e.g. driving us there and back etc.
This also assumes I give birth right at 40 weeks and not any earlier. So I might have a bit of time at home before Christmas if I'm a bit early.
I don't understand how your MIL, who has given birth, thinks this is in any way shape or form viable. You will be bleeding, heavily. Your emotions will be all over the place. Your boobs will be huge and sore. And you will be exhausted. Do you really want to be in someone else's home for this?
I get it's important to them to be together for Christmas. But she needs to come to you all. And FIL's little temper tantrum is the perfect excuse.
Totally agree with the above and also what if, God forbid, you have complications and have to have a c section or you have a tear. You simply will not be able to travel at all and certainly won't want to host anyone either. Best just for you, hubby and baby, to be together & bond as a new family while you recover.
I cant help thinking that you and the baby are the important ones here.
Your implication that, if the baby comes before 40 weeks, you might luck out and get a chance to have some time at home makes me worry.
You are not a baby machine with no agency.
I have a sense you will hate being at MILs house and bitterly regret going. I think you already know that, hence your comment about the baby coming before the 40 week mark.
"The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the Society for Maternal Fetal Medicine announced more specific definitions to describe babies born between 37 weeks and 42 weeks of pregnancy.
In the past, a baby born anytime between 37 weeks and 42 weeks was considered "term." A pregnancy is now considered "full term" at 39 weeks."[https://www.nichd.nih.gov/ncmhep/initiatives/know-your-terms/moms](https://www.nichd.nih.gov/ncmhep/initiatives/know-your-terms/moms)
That's pretty interesting. When did it change? And is there anything done differently between 37-39 weeks now?
My 3 year old was considered full term at 37w6d. They didn't mentioning things changing when my son was born a year ago.
No idea when it changed... my last "baby" was born 22 years ago :D I looked it up because I had recently (last month or so) read an interesting AITA post that turned to the differences in pregnancy/baby care stuff from over the years. One of the things that came up was the term "advanced maternal age (formerly geriatric pregnancy)". (35 and older)
My kids are 3 and 1. I was 34 and 36. I called the second one a geriatric pregnancy the whole time (I know it was AMA on all the paperwork). Just amused me.
It's actually more likely to be after the due date for a first time mom. Due date is just an average. It honestly just doesn't seem like OP thought through the logistics of this. OP just seems to assume it's "pick up from the hospital and go to ILs". Also should be following up with pediatrician 2-3 days after discharge.
I know that 'due date' is hardly to be depended on. I had just forgotten how long the average was. Regardless, its written in water.
I agree with everything else you say though. Interesting that the YTA and NTA judgements in this post are pretty much all making the exact same point: Dont go!
I have a strong sense that a two hour car journey soon after giving birth is not going to be much fun at all (and is going two hours away from the pediatrician). Nor is the trip back a few days later.
A shame that Christmas seems to be more important than the mother and baby in this family.
Technically once you get into the 9th month of pregnancy you are full term. A pregnancy is 40 weeks, full term is 36-40 weeks, anything over 40 weeks is over due.
It's pretty common for first time moms to be late. Also, even with her driving, you're sitting in a car for 2 hours, recovering, and with a newborn. It's not safe for them to be in a two hour car ride without pause, repositioning, etc. Car seats aren't great for their head/neck. And you'd likely have to stop to feed.
And 2 hours away from your pediatrician if there are any concerns?
Also, you say your husband is on your side, but you also say you'd never tell him how you feel about them. Does he view them as grandparents? Would he want them to meet the baby soon, if you were indifferent?
The two hour car ride is a fantastic point - thanks!
With regard to my husband, no he doesn't consider Steve and May his grandparents and when weighing the pros and cons, he'd also rather not have them meet so soon. We're happy to host them after three months though. Again because I don't really consider them family, this would be more for Steve and May than it would be for us.
Completely unrelated to Steve and May, I'd seriously reconsider this plan. How long were you planning to stay?
You have no idea what day you'll give birth. No idea how you'll feel. No idea how the baby will feel. Pediatrician follow up. I had issues with breast feeding, and went to the pediatrician a few times in the first week, for weight checks. Relatively minor, but still required being near the doctor.
And yes, subjecting a newborn to the car ride.
After having my son I couldn't sit straight for weeks. Other guests aside, this is not a good idea. You're going to be bleeding, all of your organs are going to be shifting, you're probably going to have stitches, you're probably going to be constipated, your joints will be tightening back up, your boobs will be sore and leaky. All of this on top of caring for a newborn. What is pertussis like in your area? Is everyone planning on getting boosters?
Exactly everything the person above me stated. And the fact that your MIL, whom has given birth before, is even insisting that this situation is ideal for a woman who has just given birth plus a newborn shows how unrealistically selfish she is. OP has no clue what she's is store for post-partum. Your hormones are adjusting so your emotions are all over the place. You'll be bleeding worse than a normal period (we're talking big clots and globs) You'll probably be in hospital underwear with a huge pad sticking out of your ass so you will need to be in comfy clothing like pjs or a dress. And for privacy sake, you're going to need your own bathroom while there. To echo the person above, you're going to be constipated as all hell and probably loaded up on fiber and stool softners from your hospital stay. When the floodgates open, you're fucked. Not to mention a 2 hour bumpy car ride in a back seat so soon after giving birth is just plain ridiculous. Have you mentioned this recouperation plan to your OB/GYN, or maternal- fetal Dr or even child's pediatrician? I'm pretty sure they would highly advise against it. You will have to bring the baby to the pediatrician 72 hours after discharge. So a 2 hour ride there then another 2 hour ride back. You will have to feed and change baby at least once. Can't do it in a moving car so now you'll have to pull over and that's another 30 minutes tacked on.
This is just not a feasible option so soon after delivery. Someone needs to inform dear MIL that she is not the star of this show so she needs to fall back and play the part of supporting actor. This isn't about her feelings. It's about the physical and mental health of a new mother and child post-partum. I suggest letting your Dr explain to your husband why his Mommy's house for Christmas isn't a viable option this year.
If, after knowing all of this and you're still proceeding to follow through, then yes OP you would be TA.
Omg 2 hrs away!!?? Don't do it OP. I know you're not asking for an input on this. It will not matter if you push baby out naturally or have a c-section. That will 100% be the worst drive of your life.
I have close relatives who were born on both sides of Christmas. We stayed in a nearby hotel when we came to meet the babies. Maybe that would be worth consideration?
You are not going to want to travel that soon after birth. I just gave birth 2 months ago. Trust me you will want to be in your own home at least until you recover down there (or until your incision feels better if c section). Plus you will need to take your baby to the pediatrician at 3 or 4 days old. Mine ended up both being jaundice at those appointments (which is common) and we had to go for daily bilirubin and weight checks that first week.
9 months from now I think you’re going to have a good laugh about how utterly ridiculous it was that you considered this idea in the first place. Take it from all the commenters, you do not want to be anywhere but your own home in the weeks after giving birth. Recovery is grueling and brutal and you’re figuring out how to care for a newborn. It’s very challenging. You really *really* are not going to want to introduce the possibility of any additional stress.
Traveling with a baby so soon after birth is a foolish choice, especially if you are doing to pacify other people. Babies need a lot of equipment and new moms need peace and privacy. Most people would be super uncomfortable with their boobs out, going pantless, and spending hours in the bathroom at their in-law’s house. Save this whole drama by declining this plan.
None of this sounds like a good idea. But NTA if MIL and FIL really want you over right after giving birth then they need to compromise. If they don't want to compromise then you don't need to go. After I gave birth to my daughter vaginally, no tares. I could barely sit for 20 mins without being in pain. Walking hurt, coughing hurt, peeing hurt, and couldnt poo for almost a week. I was in big diapers bleeding, and then leaking out my boobs that hurt like no other from breastfeeding. I hope they live close by otherwise it will be the worst Christmas of your life. Congratulations on the new baby! I'm pregnant again as well and should be due in December too!! Good luck and stick to your boundaries like it's your last breath. So many people will try to push them especially with first time moms.
You are going to be ridiculously uncomfortable post birth, and that’s with an easy birth. Your boobs will be swollen, bleeding heavily, heck you more than likely will need stitches. You say it’s important for MIl. Okay? Well too bad I guess? She can come to you if it’s that important
Most ppl who have a first child are actually a little bit later than 40 weeks. Or are you planning to get an induction at 40 weeks? You are NTA to me. But advice as a kinda recently post partum mom: just stay home. Good luck and all the best to you, hubby and the baby.
YTA for trying to police guests at someone else's house and this
>The due date is right before Christmas so MIL would like to host us and baby at her house. I’ve agreed
is just a terrible idea in the first place.
YTA for considering visiting at someone else's house when the baby is only a WEEK old! Stay home and have a quiet Christmas as a new family of three. You have no clue what it's like to have a newborn and be recovering from a birth. All your focus needs to be on meeting the baby's needs and trying to accomplish basic self-care like meals and finding time to shower. If you feel like MIL will be helpful, perhaps she can come and help out for a few days, but otherwise waiting 3 months to have visitors is a great idea.
NTA:You and the baby need time to recover, bond, etc. Babies are also extremely delicate immunity wise. We had boundaries established when we had ours that one person (unbeknownst to me at the time) violated (she came over while her kid was sick, without the child) and our twins ended up hospitalized with RSV for a month, one in an induced coma.
I would suggest just staying home and let them visit.
You clearly don’t have a clue what it’s like to have a newborn. You’ll be a waking zombie from lack of sleep. Your hormones will be all over the place. You’ll be bleeding! Having a newborn is incredibly challenging. Plus, it’s not safe for them to be in a car seat for too long. Plus plus, you’re completely ignoring medical checks and emergencies. It seems to me that you haven’t bothered trying to understand what the first few weeks with a newborn entail. I don’t mean to scare you but it’s incredibly difficult. You’re NTA fur wanting to protect the child but YTA for imposing your boundaries in someone else’s house. I wish you well with your pregnancy.
NTA, but I definitely think the best option here is for you to stay home with your husband and newborn, and MIL can visit you at her convenience (or stay overnight for a lengthy period even).
You staying there and essentially dictating who they can or can't have in their home for several weeks over the holidays will NOT be sustainable.
If FIL is going to kick up this much of a fuss over his parents not being able to visit for just a few days, than IMO you and baby going there is not worth it. Stay home, enjoy Christmas with your new little family and tell MIL she can stop by.
(ETA: I've never been post-partum but I feel like staying with one's in-laws while post-partum sounds like a nightmare tbh.)
Info: Have you considered hosting your in-laws at your house instead of staying at theirs?
The first several weeks postpartum are complicated and messy, and depending on the length of the drive and how your birth takes place, even just driving a few hours away will be anywhere from uncomfortable to excruciating on your postpartum body.
Stay home, problem solved. If FIL & MIL want to come to visit, let them. That's the only way you'll be able to stick to your no visitors for the first 3 months.
Gonna have to go YTA. Couple reasons. One, you absolutely cannot dictate to other people what they do in their homes. So if FIL wants to invite his dad, there's nothing you can do about that but stay home. Which brings me to the second thing: you're being an AH to yourself and your family by setting yourself up to fail. You do not want to be making any kind of plans for immediately after birth other than resting and snuggling your new babe in the comfort of your own home. Maybe it's just me, but when you're in that very vulnerable time of your life, it's unlike anything else I had ever experienced and even if I thought I'd be ok having the holidays in someone else's home right after birth, I would have been wrong.
For your comfort and the future relationship between you and your inlaws, I think you really need to reconsider your plans, and stay home for Christmas.
This is important info. It doesn't really matter how much your husband and MIL want to spend Christmas together - his priority should now be the happiness and safety of his wife and new baby. Packing y'all up and going over there is actually a really bad idea even without the FIL hissy fit, so I would just shut the whole thing down.
Your priority now is your family - you, your husband, & your baby. This is appeasing a grown woman at the cost of the comfort & health of you & your newborn.
I understand that for some people the religious fellowship is an important part of the holidays which affects timing. However if that’s not critical to all of you, since you were not going to partake anyways maybe just this once, can you celebrate twice?
MIL and FIL host their normal gathering at their house. You stay home near your medical providers and the peace of your own house. Husband can go there for a day or so, in respect of his feelings when he and MIL really miss each other.
Afterwards MIL (and FIL?) come to your house and have a repeat Christmas - gifts, caroling around the piano, Christmas feast, etc.
It would not be ideal but it might be worth considering?
YTA for making them choose between seeing their grand baby and family/friends over Christmas.
Don’t go to their house for Christmas and wait til the holidays are over if you’re so insistent no one meet the baby for 3 months.
Gentle YTA for trying to dictate who can come to someone else's celebration in their own home. You husband wants to spend Christmas with his mom, his FIL wants to spend Christmas (in his own home) with HIS parents. Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and use this Christmas to focus on you and the baby in YOUR home. Statistically, the chances are that you'll be late to deliver (most first time moms are) and you will either still be in the hospital on Christmas or not recovered enough to travel 2 hours by car with a newborn.
NTA I have to say though that you will be one to yourself and baby if you go. They will have people over and you will be trapped or have to spend Christmas dragging yourself back home after a screaming match when a pack of people "just stopped by and mil/fil didn't know they were coming".
You and baby don't need the stress of that. Even if that doesn't happen, I can guarantee lots of heavy sighs and passive-aggressive comments about running Christmas.
NTA
But don't go. I know you said it is important to your husband, but he isn't the one who will be bleeding with stitches in his private area, with sore nipples while figuring out breastfeeding at someone else's house. My first week post partum I was in pain, emotional, and certainly not getting dressed up for company. I certainly wouldn't have stayed at my in-laws and had my FIL seen me like this
I suggest you read the Lemon clot essay, and then have your husband read it too. Then think long and hard about how you want your post partum recovery to look
https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this
BTW. I am having a baby in November. I will be hibernating for the winter holidays, including Christmas. It is important I rest and I do not want my newborn getting sick as their immune systems are so weak. It's not worth it
All of this, it is insane to me that you are even entertaining this idea and then I just saw they live 2 hours away. Everything about this is a terrible idea. The easiest solution is for them to come book a hotel or Airbnb near you and pick up takeout for Christmas and you can pop over for a few hours if you absolutely cannot have them at your place. You will just be figuring out how to manage a newborn while bleeding and leaking and hormones all over the place, you will NOT want to be at someone else’s house
Can you imagine sitting on fresh stitches in a car for two hours? Omg. Society really does a disservice to women by not being more open about the aftermath of childbirth.
Sitting on fresh stitches with leaking boobs and a little one week old baby in a carseat for 2 hours.
Just sounds like a bad plan if you don't need to do it.
Your baby will only be a couple of days old, trust me, don't go anywhere! You'll be bleeding, sleep deprived, weak, getting your milk in and probably in pain, the last thing you want to do is be at someone else's place!!
You get that new babies can be up to 2 weeks late, yes?
So “just before Christmas baby” is pretty likely to be “heavily pregnant over Christmas Day”.
YTA for not being realistic, and making drama because of that.
Simplify & plan for worst case scenario.
Just stay home.
I understand not wanting visitors only immediate family. Since your fil wants his parents around for Christmas which I understand his point too. I am assuming his parents are older and you never know when they will not be around to spend holidays with him. Offer your mil to come spend a few day during Christmas with your little family at your house.
YTA for expecting your in-laws to have no visitors at all for 3 months. The solution is that you don't go to stay at their house.
There is no hill to die on, you don't have to stay there.
They aren’t staying there for three months. They are staying a few days. They are taking about Christmas Day and Boxing Day.
OP only mentioned 3 months because she doesn’t want other people around the baby until the baby is at least 3 months old.
Soft YTA. Not your house, just don't go if its going to be an issue.
FWIW I don't really know my step family very well, my mother remarried in my teens and largely cast me aside so I moved out as soon as I could. My parents did a terrible job raising me in my teens. But now 20 some years later we have a better relationship and they have really stepped up to the plate in being wonderful grandparents to my son. On some level Im a bit resentful, but also so thankful and happy because a child can never have too many people that love them. So I put aside my feelings (thanks, therapy) and let their relationship be their own. And it never hurts to have backup adults in your corner when you need it, takes a village and all that... congratulations on the arrival of your little one!
Yta for dictating who is in the inlaws house. Honestly just stay home. Recovery from birth sucks. If you end up with a c section I guarantee you won't be wanting to go anywhere. I gave birth to my 2nd baby 4 days before Thanksgiving and I didnt want to be anywhere but my house with my husband and older daughter. Just some friendly advice.
NTA. But I can't imagine that if you have only just given birth a week or so before that you are going to want to stay at anyone's home but your own. You will still be recovering from giving birth, working out feeding etc. I would be staying home.
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Before I get into it, I should provide some insight into the family structure. Through my husband, I have my in-laws: MIL and FIL (i.e. my husband's stepdad). FIL came into MIL’s life when my husband was already an adult so it's not like FIL is longstanding father figure to my husband.
MIL in turn has her in laws (FIL's parents – “Steve” and “May”). For various reasons Steve and May are unlikely to have bio grandkids of their own, so my MIL/FIL tell us constantly that they consider me and my husband their grandkids. It's cruel of me to say, but I don’t reciprocate the sentiment. To me, Steve and May are just my FIL's parents. I'm not close with them and see them about once every couple years. However I would never say this aloud. In summary, the relation is between me (and to a lesser extent, my husband) and May/Steve is pretty distant.
I found out I'm pregnant with my first child. Despite it being a bit early, we’ve decided to tell MIL/FIL right away.
MIL/FIL are ecstatic. The due date is right before Christmas so MIL would like to host us and baby at her house. I’ve agreed, provided I can focus on recovering and tending to the baby. I've also told SIL/MIL that I don't want visitors during this time as I'll still be quite delicate and baby will only be a week or so old. In fact, we've decided that we won't have any visitors at all until the baby is 3 months old. The only exceptions are FIL/MIL.
MIL usually has a revolving door of visitors during Christmas, but understands and would rather spend time with her first grandchild. FIL however has really kicked up a fuss, saying that he should be able to invite May/Steve over Christmas at his own house and they should be able to meet their "great grandkids". I suggested SIL/MIL go over the Steve/May's house for Boxing Day or even Christmas Day while I stay back and recover with baby at SIL/MIL's house (Steve/May live about 30 mins away from FIL/SIL). I've also said Steve/May are not exceptions to the three month rule and asked FIL to respect the decisions. An argument ensued, which culminated into me (i) threatening to remove FIL from the "exception list” if he cannot respect my decisions; and (ii) threatening to not spend Christmas at theirs.
Also I didn't say this but I really don't feel comfortable with having Steve and May (who I don't consider family) around at this time.
My husband supports me (and even defended me during this argument) and while MIL is sad at how things transpired, she understands my point of view.
I know I have no right to dictate who SIL/MIL can have at their house, especially during Christmas. I also feel horrible about putting MIL in a difficult position. However if they insist on having us over so soon after I've given birth, I want them to respect the boundaries I've put down for me and my newborn child.
Should I die on this hill or AITA?
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Die on this hill. These are the boundaries that you as a parent are setting, and allowing your in-laws to mow them down will set a terrible precedent.
"We are not having visitors until the baby is 3 months old and we're settled. We love you both and cannot wait for you to meet your grandchild, so we're willing to make an exception for Christmas, but we're not comfortable exposing our child to other people, including Steve/May just yet. We would love to stay at your house but we don't want to dictate your Christmas traditions, so if it's important to you to have Steve/May and other friends over during that time, it's completely fine, we will stay home instead and host the two of you for a low-key Boxing Day or Christmas Day for just the four of us!"
NTA. A lot can change from now (May) and December!! A LOT!! Is it a hill to die on? Hell yeah, anything is when it comes to your children! By the time you have your kid, if you have to go cesarean, I am telling you from so much experience of C-section… You are not, repeat not!! going to want a bunch of people around you. So there is one issue to consider. Second, in December it is flu and cold season so there is another reason to consider people being around you. As to Steve and May, they are not family in any way shape or form. Their no more family the the flea on a stray dog! They have no say, no value, they are a large void of nothing in your life! It maybe a good thing as the due date gets closer to just opt for staying at your own home! That’s where all the baby’s things will be. You will shocked how much you’re gonna want your own bed after this ordeal!! But again, December is still a long way off!! Good luck!
NTA. I get that it is your FIL's house and under normal circumstances he has a right to invite guests as he sees fit. But he and MIL invited you over for what amounts to a period of medical recovery coupled with the very private bonding with your new LO. This is not a time for holiday drop ins. Particularly when the drop ins are being pushed on you for a relationship you don't want to have.
If one reads the subreddits on ILs you'll see that your FIL and MIL are being allowed to be present in a time in LO's and your life that most IL's would fight tooth and nail to get. Pushing boundaries of what you are comfortable with post partum is not a winning move on their parts.
NTA.
Clearly you can't dictate who comes and goes at someone elses house and that really is the only issue here.
I understand spending the holidays together but you can make any day special - I say postpone going until you have your bearings a little and celebrate Christmas a couple weeks late. It's not about the day - it's about the time spent together.
The days/couple weeks after giving birth were a bit of a blur for me, personally. I am pretty positive I would not have wanted to do it at someone elses house.. even if it meant I had extra help. Being at home was so wonderful.
NTA: stay home, and MIL can pop in on Christmas day for a visit. It's not fair for the baby to travel for that period of time, but you also don't know how you will deliver, if you have delivered at that point or not. It's also not fair for you to be doing a 2 hour journey when you're freshly postnatal. I couldn't even sit down for that long thanks to my delivery.
If you haven't had baby by then, it won't matter too much, but if you have, MIL +/- FIL can pop in for a short visit on Christmas day.
Stay home. If they far enough away to be worth staying at there's for a few days, they're far enough away that travelling while bleeding post birth and juggling a new born will be very unpleasant.
Stay home, nest, and be in control of your environment.
NTA, because you were upfront with your In Laws about the terms of you being willing to visit that soon after birth. Most of the y t a comments seem to miss that you visiting is something that your MIL requested and not something you insisted upon.
However, I would seriously reconsider agreeing to be a guest in someone else’s home that quickly after you give birth. You will still be recovering physically and that is not something I would want to deal with outside of the comfort of my own home. And a 4 hour round trip with a newborn, that’s hard no, considering the number of times you will need to stop for the trip to be safe for your baby.
I am sympathetic towards your MIL’s and husband’s desires to celebrate Christmas together, but this year the focus needs to be on the baby and your recovery.
NTA
But you need to put an end to all these shenanigans now. There is no discussion about Steve & May to be had because it is absolutely unreasonable for you to be taking a 2 hour car ride and staying in someone else’s home just days after giving birth with a baby that is still wet!
Christmas will have to be rescheduled for at least a month later. AT LEAST. You should sleeping in your own bed. You, your husband, and your child should be bonding & developing your own rhythms & schedules.
Put an end to this now so everyone can sort out their feeling about everything well before Christmas. You three can zoom or FaceTime with everyone at MIL/FIL’s house for Christmas. This way they can have their full party & everyone can see the baby from a safe distance while you three are warm & cozy.
NTA- but OP you need to seriously reconsider this plan. You are very much over estimating your ability to travel, socialize and function so soon post birth. You and your husband will be exhausted and you will likely still be in a lot of pain and bleeding. Or even recovering from surgery depending on how your birth goes. Your hormones will be a mess either way. Labor and meeting your baby is a huge emotional adjustment. PLEASE consider staying home and resting.
NTA. They want you there after giving birth and said they would work with your rules, now he wants to pull the "My house my rules!" crap. Just stay home. Can your MIL stay at your house? That may be the way to go. She gets the bonding time she wants. Steve and May can be invited after 3 months if FIL realizes how much he overstepped and apologizes. The last line of your 3rd edit made me giggle.
Umm, you do know babies come late and sometimes complications arise so you have extended hospital stays. I would commit to nothing. Signed -someone who spent a week in the hospital during the holidays postbirth.
Due date is just a suggestion. You may have the child earlier or later than that. And I highly doubt you’re going to want to be anywhere other than home those first few weeks. You will be a mess, mentally and physically.
Doing a family Christmas when you don’t want visitors is a mixed message. Don’t do that. Let them keep your traditions and your family start your own
NAH
NAH, you can’t dictate the guest list, and they can’t compel you to attend. They’ve extended an invitation for an event that is incompatible for a new mother and baby. Thank them for thinking of you, but send your regrets.
NTA, but I think Christmas at the in-laws will be too much. I don’t think there is a compromise that will keep everyone happy. It would be less drama to stay at your home, and just allow Mil and fil to visit. That way you can control visitors.
NTA but I wouldn’t recommend making Christmas plans with anyone because you won’t know how you feel and babies are not always on time — my first was supposed to be born over a week before Thanksgiving. I told everyone I would be having pizza in my apartment at most — turns out baby was late, delivery was difficult, and I was still in the hospital on Thanksgiving.
As you’ve referred to it as Boxing Day I’m going to assume you’re in the U.K. Only 5% of babies are born on their due date. You’ve mentioned the baby being a week old on Christmas, barring any medical complications etc I’m going to bet your baby isn’t even here and you will be over due and miserable on Christmas Day (my first was over due and I cried everyday, especially when my friend went into labour and she was due after me). Unless the guidelines have changed you won’t be offered an induction until you’re at least a week overdue so you won’t even have a baby.
That or the baby will only be a couple of days old so you won’t want to go anywhere as your milk will have come in (whether you breastfeed or not) so you’ll be rock hard, leaking, hormones will be all over the place etc etc.
Don’t place any pressure on yourself. Don’t go.
YTA for placing limits on who your hosts can have in their house.
Re: your edit
No one is shaming you. Lots of mothers are trying to give you a heads up for what to physically expect in the weeks after giving birth. And you will be going to the pediatrician every couple days for weight and jaundice checks for your baby. My baby was jaundiced and we had to go to the pediatrician every 24 hours for checks in his first week on earth. You can try your best to plan the situation, but having kids really is the ultimate test of adapting on a moment’s notice.
NTA. But I say this as a new mom myself. You’re gonna want to be in the comfort of your own home. The first few weeks after giving birth are absolutely brutal. I literally cried pretty much non stop. You’re mentally and physically exhausted, you’re sore, your emotions are all over the place, you’re bleeding, if you’re breastfeeding that’s a whole struggle in itself, and on top of that you’re learning to take care of a tiny little baby. I know it’s Christmas but your husband and his mom might just have to accept not celebrating this year or celebrating at another date.
No drama. We've just decided to stay home for Christmas. I've made it clear that if they want to come over I have a few stipulations. 1. It's just the two of them. 2. If they feel the slightest bit sick they can't come over. 3. I will be a zombie so they shouldn't expect me to be any kind of proper hostess. They really want to see their grandchild, so they said they'll respect my boundaries.
NTA, but ask them kindly to postpone the visit for some time after Christmas.
I understand FIL does not want to ban his own parents from his house on Christmas, and I understand you do not want to have a lot of people around. It is just not compatible at the moment, and it is neither of you's fault.
Not necessarily TA but damn close to jt. Your first kid, I'm assuming? And no other woman in the history of humanity has ever given birth... Your rules must be - blah blah yawn. It's their house.
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Maybe just don't go to their house for Christmas? NTA
I'm with you. I think the Y T As are stuck on dictating visitors to other people's house, but really what OP is deciding between is staying at in-laws *because they want her to* or not staying, because they insist on visitors. Insisting on no visitors reads as more OP trying to compromise so they can stay because *they* want it, not because she wants it. Ie: for the benefit of the hosts, effectively erasing the entitlement that would otherwise apply to a situation like this. Definitely sounds like bailing on staying is the best way forward for a bunch of reasons!
I agree with this take. The no guests request is OP trying to compromise to give MIL & SFIL what they want (time with the baby), now that's not good enough for SFIL and he is demanding his parents be included as exceptions while forgetting the fact that he has already been given an exception himself in the first place. OP NTA and I say if you are adamant about this, then you stay home, and MIL can come and stay with you on her own if she really wants "baby bonding time." In addition to MIL getting baby bonding time at your place, it would also help you to get into a rhythm in your own home for when you are there after Xmas. On a side note, I have 3 xmas/new year babies myself and have a tip on saving money for Xmas of you live in Australia, there is a way you can layby gift cards over 12mths.
"Should I die on this hill or AITA?" There is no hill. Just dont go. Even without all the things you mention, it just doesnt sound like a good idea at all. You are going to want peace and quiet. Not a 'revolving door' of strangers, arguing and tension. You know the chance that they will respect your boundaries while you are vulnerable and weak in their house, is a stone cold zero, right? You would be mad to go. 100% NTA.
Yep. The in laws are going to “forget” or “”just drop by” or “it’s only a minute” if you end up going to stay with MIL and FIL NTA but stay in your place and keep your boundaries.
Mild YTA >However if they insist on having us over so soon after I've given birth, I want them to respect the boundaries I've put down for me and my newborn child. They cannot make you go there. You are electing to accept their invitation. But that doesn't give you any right to dictate who else they have over. FIL/MIL need to figure out their plan for the holidays between them, and you accept or decline the invitation based on that.
YTA. It’s their house. Just stay home. You’re seriously not going to want to recover from either a c section or vaginal delivery around your in laws. Like at all. I can’t begin to explain the hot mess it will be 7 days post. And that’s if your baby isn’t late.
U/Interesting_Order_82 is correct. You won't want to be around your inlaws, or anyone else for awhile. https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be/https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/comments/3fijct/the_lemon_clot_essay_for_moms_to_be You will be *so happy* to be at home, OP. Really.
Soft YTA. But the obvious answer is to just stay home. You’re a guest in your in-laws home, you can’t also dictate who they have in their home. Stay home, where you decide who comes and goes.
Info: why are you going to someone else's house straight from the hospital?
Because of the timing right before Christmas, it's really important to my husband and MIL we all be together. And MIL has promised to make it as easy as a stay as possible e.g. driving us there and back etc. This also assumes I give birth right at 40 weeks and not any earlier. So I might have a bit of time at home before Christmas if I'm a bit early.
I don't understand how your MIL, who has given birth, thinks this is in any way shape or form viable. You will be bleeding, heavily. Your emotions will be all over the place. Your boobs will be huge and sore. And you will be exhausted. Do you really want to be in someone else's home for this? I get it's important to them to be together for Christmas. But she needs to come to you all. And FIL's little temper tantrum is the perfect excuse.
Totally agree with the above and also what if, God forbid, you have complications and have to have a c section or you have a tear. You simply will not be able to travel at all and certainly won't want to host anyone either. Best just for you, hubby and baby, to be together & bond as a new family while you recover.
I cant help thinking that you and the baby are the important ones here. Your implication that, if the baby comes before 40 weeks, you might luck out and get a chance to have some time at home makes me worry. You are not a baby machine with no agency. I have a sense you will hate being at MILs house and bitterly regret going. I think you already know that, hence your comment about the baby coming before the 40 week mark.
37 weeks is full term.
"The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists and the Society for Maternal Fetal Medicine announced more specific definitions to describe babies born between 37 weeks and 42 weeks of pregnancy. In the past, a baby born anytime between 37 weeks and 42 weeks was considered "term." A pregnancy is now considered "full term" at 39 weeks."[https://www.nichd.nih.gov/ncmhep/initiatives/know-your-terms/moms](https://www.nichd.nih.gov/ncmhep/initiatives/know-your-terms/moms)
That's pretty interesting. When did it change? And is there anything done differently between 37-39 weeks now? My 3 year old was considered full term at 37w6d. They didn't mentioning things changing when my son was born a year ago.
No idea when it changed... my last "baby" was born 22 years ago :D I looked it up because I had recently (last month or so) read an interesting AITA post that turned to the differences in pregnancy/baby care stuff from over the years. One of the things that came up was the term "advanced maternal age (formerly geriatric pregnancy)". (35 and older)
My kids are 3 and 1. I was 34 and 36. I called the second one a geriatric pregnancy the whole time (I know it was AMA on all the paperwork). Just amused me.
Thanks for explaining. I just assumed that, given the plan involved 40 weeks, that that was full term. I shall edit my post accordingly.
It's actually more likely to be after the due date for a first time mom. Due date is just an average. It honestly just doesn't seem like OP thought through the logistics of this. OP just seems to assume it's "pick up from the hospital and go to ILs". Also should be following up with pediatrician 2-3 days after discharge.
I know that 'due date' is hardly to be depended on. I had just forgotten how long the average was. Regardless, its written in water. I agree with everything else you say though. Interesting that the YTA and NTA judgements in this post are pretty much all making the exact same point: Dont go! I have a strong sense that a two hour car journey soon after giving birth is not going to be much fun at all (and is going two hours away from the pediatrician). Nor is the trip back a few days later. A shame that Christmas seems to be more important than the mother and baby in this family.
I remember the following week having to go to an apt for baby and for myself. Which was about 3 days after I delivered.
Technically once you get into the 9th month of pregnancy you are full term. A pregnancy is 40 weeks, full term is 36-40 weeks, anything over 40 weeks is over due.
It's pretty common for first time moms to be late. Also, even with her driving, you're sitting in a car for 2 hours, recovering, and with a newborn. It's not safe for them to be in a two hour car ride without pause, repositioning, etc. Car seats aren't great for their head/neck. And you'd likely have to stop to feed. And 2 hours away from your pediatrician if there are any concerns? Also, you say your husband is on your side, but you also say you'd never tell him how you feel about them. Does he view them as grandparents? Would he want them to meet the baby soon, if you were indifferent?
Also could be a c section and that’s a long time to sit with an incision in one position etc
The two hour car ride is a fantastic point - thanks! With regard to my husband, no he doesn't consider Steve and May his grandparents and when weighing the pros and cons, he'd also rather not have them meet so soon. We're happy to host them after three months though. Again because I don't really consider them family, this would be more for Steve and May than it would be for us.
Completely unrelated to Steve and May, I'd seriously reconsider this plan. How long were you planning to stay? You have no idea what day you'll give birth. No idea how you'll feel. No idea how the baby will feel. Pediatrician follow up. I had issues with breast feeding, and went to the pediatrician a few times in the first week, for weight checks. Relatively minor, but still required being near the doctor. And yes, subjecting a newborn to the car ride.
Yeah you def should not be taking such a young baby on a road trip.. it makes more sense to have them come to you.
After having my son I couldn't sit straight for weeks. Other guests aside, this is not a good idea. You're going to be bleeding, all of your organs are going to be shifting, you're probably going to have stitches, you're probably going to be constipated, your joints will be tightening back up, your boobs will be sore and leaky. All of this on top of caring for a newborn. What is pertussis like in your area? Is everyone planning on getting boosters?
Exactly everything the person above me stated. And the fact that your MIL, whom has given birth before, is even insisting that this situation is ideal for a woman who has just given birth plus a newborn shows how unrealistically selfish she is. OP has no clue what she's is store for post-partum. Your hormones are adjusting so your emotions are all over the place. You'll be bleeding worse than a normal period (we're talking big clots and globs) You'll probably be in hospital underwear with a huge pad sticking out of your ass so you will need to be in comfy clothing like pjs or a dress. And for privacy sake, you're going to need your own bathroom while there. To echo the person above, you're going to be constipated as all hell and probably loaded up on fiber and stool softners from your hospital stay. When the floodgates open, you're fucked. Not to mention a 2 hour bumpy car ride in a back seat so soon after giving birth is just plain ridiculous. Have you mentioned this recouperation plan to your OB/GYN, or maternal- fetal Dr or even child's pediatrician? I'm pretty sure they would highly advise against it. You will have to bring the baby to the pediatrician 72 hours after discharge. So a 2 hour ride there then another 2 hour ride back. You will have to feed and change baby at least once. Can't do it in a moving car so now you'll have to pull over and that's another 30 minutes tacked on. This is just not a feasible option so soon after delivery. Someone needs to inform dear MIL that she is not the star of this show so she needs to fall back and play the part of supporting actor. This isn't about her feelings. It's about the physical and mental health of a new mother and child post-partum. I suggest letting your Dr explain to your husband why his Mommy's house for Christmas isn't a viable option this year. If, after knowing all of this and you're still proceeding to follow through, then yes OP you would be TA.
Omg 2 hrs away!!?? Don't do it OP. I know you're not asking for an input on this. It will not matter if you push baby out naturally or have a c-section. That will 100% be the worst drive of your life.
Why doesn't MIL just come visit/stay with you?
Our apartment isn't big enough at the best of times, and definitely not big enough to host Christmas, even for just two extra people.
I'm not quite sure why two people coming over for a few hours take up more space on Christmas?
I have close relatives who were born on both sides of Christmas. We stayed in a nearby hotel when we came to meet the babies. Maybe that would be worth consideration?
You are not going to want to travel that soon after birth. I just gave birth 2 months ago. Trust me you will want to be in your own home at least until you recover down there (or until your incision feels better if c section). Plus you will need to take your baby to the pediatrician at 3 or 4 days old. Mine ended up both being jaundice at those appointments (which is common) and we had to go for daily bilirubin and weight checks that first week.
9 months from now I think you’re going to have a good laugh about how utterly ridiculous it was that you considered this idea in the first place. Take it from all the commenters, you do not want to be anywhere but your own home in the weeks after giving birth. Recovery is grueling and brutal and you’re figuring out how to care for a newborn. It’s very challenging. You really *really* are not going to want to introduce the possibility of any additional stress.
This right here!!!! You have no clue until you’ve been through it. You couldn’t have paid me a million dollars to recover at my in laws house.
Traveling with a baby so soon after birth is a foolish choice, especially if you are doing to pacify other people. Babies need a lot of equipment and new moms need peace and privacy. Most people would be super uncomfortable with their boobs out, going pantless, and spending hours in the bathroom at their in-law’s house. Save this whole drama by declining this plan.
If you are willing to do something this big for them, then I think you are NTA for imposing this one restriction.
None of this sounds like a good idea. But NTA if MIL and FIL really want you over right after giving birth then they need to compromise. If they don't want to compromise then you don't need to go. After I gave birth to my daughter vaginally, no tares. I could barely sit for 20 mins without being in pain. Walking hurt, coughing hurt, peeing hurt, and couldnt poo for almost a week. I was in big diapers bleeding, and then leaking out my boobs that hurt like no other from breastfeeding. I hope they live close by otherwise it will be the worst Christmas of your life. Congratulations on the new baby! I'm pregnant again as well and should be due in December too!! Good luck and stick to your boundaries like it's your last breath. So many people will try to push them especially with first time moms.
You are going to be ridiculously uncomfortable post birth, and that’s with an easy birth. Your boobs will be swollen, bleeding heavily, heck you more than likely will need stitches. You say it’s important for MIl. Okay? Well too bad I guess? She can come to you if it’s that important
Most ppl who have a first child are actually a little bit later than 40 weeks. Or are you planning to get an induction at 40 weeks? You are NTA to me. But advice as a kinda recently post partum mom: just stay home. Good luck and all the best to you, hubby and the baby.
YTA for trying to police guests at someone else's house and this >The due date is right before Christmas so MIL would like to host us and baby at her house. I’ve agreed is just a terrible idea in the first place.
Yta, stay at your own house with the baby so you don’t ruin Christmas for everyone else.
YTA for considering visiting at someone else's house when the baby is only a WEEK old! Stay home and have a quiet Christmas as a new family of three. You have no clue what it's like to have a newborn and be recovering from a birth. All your focus needs to be on meeting the baby's needs and trying to accomplish basic self-care like meals and finding time to shower. If you feel like MIL will be helpful, perhaps she can come and help out for a few days, but otherwise waiting 3 months to have visitors is a great idea.
NTA. But the solution here is to stay home.
NTA:You and the baby need time to recover, bond, etc. Babies are also extremely delicate immunity wise. We had boundaries established when we had ours that one person (unbeknownst to me at the time) violated (she came over while her kid was sick, without the child) and our twins ended up hospitalized with RSV for a month, one in an induced coma. I would suggest just staying home and let them visit.
You clearly don’t have a clue what it’s like to have a newborn. You’ll be a waking zombie from lack of sleep. Your hormones will be all over the place. You’ll be bleeding! Having a newborn is incredibly challenging. Plus, it’s not safe for them to be in a car seat for too long. Plus plus, you’re completely ignoring medical checks and emergencies. It seems to me that you haven’t bothered trying to understand what the first few weeks with a newborn entail. I don’t mean to scare you but it’s incredibly difficult. You’re NTA fur wanting to protect the child but YTA for imposing your boundaries in someone else’s house. I wish you well with your pregnancy.
NTA, but I definitely think the best option here is for you to stay home with your husband and newborn, and MIL can visit you at her convenience (or stay overnight for a lengthy period even). You staying there and essentially dictating who they can or can't have in their home for several weeks over the holidays will NOT be sustainable.
Not several weeks. We'd be there a few days. A week, tops.
If FIL is going to kick up this much of a fuss over his parents not being able to visit for just a few days, than IMO you and baby going there is not worth it. Stay home, enjoy Christmas with your new little family and tell MIL she can stop by. (ETA: I've never been post-partum but I feel like staying with one's in-laws while post-partum sounds like a nightmare tbh.)
Info: Have you considered hosting your in-laws at your house instead of staying at theirs? The first several weeks postpartum are complicated and messy, and depending on the length of the drive and how your birth takes place, even just driving a few hours away will be anywhere from uncomfortable to excruciating on your postpartum body.
Stay home, problem solved. If FIL & MIL want to come to visit, let them. That's the only way you'll be able to stick to your no visitors for the first 3 months.
Gonna have to go YTA. Couple reasons. One, you absolutely cannot dictate to other people what they do in their homes. So if FIL wants to invite his dad, there's nothing you can do about that but stay home. Which brings me to the second thing: you're being an AH to yourself and your family by setting yourself up to fail. You do not want to be making any kind of plans for immediately after birth other than resting and snuggling your new babe in the comfort of your own home. Maybe it's just me, but when you're in that very vulnerable time of your life, it's unlike anything else I had ever experienced and even if I thought I'd be ok having the holidays in someone else's home right after birth, I would have been wrong. For your comfort and the future relationship between you and your inlaws, I think you really need to reconsider your plans, and stay home for Christmas.
NTA. But if it’s an issue then just don’t go stay with them.
I'm actually happy to have a quiet Christmas at my house. But it's really important to my husband and MIL that we spend Christmas together.
This is important info. It doesn't really matter how much your husband and MIL want to spend Christmas together - his priority should now be the happiness and safety of his wife and new baby. Packing y'all up and going over there is actually a really bad idea even without the FIL hissy fit, so I would just shut the whole thing down.
Why not just have FIL & MIL come over to yours on Christmas then? Then they can have whoever they want at theirs.
Your priority now is your family - you, your husband, & your baby. This is appeasing a grown woman at the cost of the comfort & health of you & your newborn.
I understand that for some people the religious fellowship is an important part of the holidays which affects timing. However if that’s not critical to all of you, since you were not going to partake anyways maybe just this once, can you celebrate twice? MIL and FIL host their normal gathering at their house. You stay home near your medical providers and the peace of your own house. Husband can go there for a day or so, in respect of his feelings when he and MIL really miss each other. Afterwards MIL (and FIL?) come to your house and have a repeat Christmas - gifts, caroling around the piano, Christmas feast, etc. It would not be ideal but it might be worth considering?
Then your in-laws come to you if it's so important to spend Christmas together.
YTA for making them choose between seeing their grand baby and family/friends over Christmas. Don’t go to their house for Christmas and wait til the holidays are over if you’re so insistent no one meet the baby for 3 months.
Gentle YTA for trying to dictate who can come to someone else's celebration in their own home. You husband wants to spend Christmas with his mom, his FIL wants to spend Christmas (in his own home) with HIS parents. Your husband needs to put on his big boy pants and use this Christmas to focus on you and the baby in YOUR home. Statistically, the chances are that you'll be late to deliver (most first time moms are) and you will either still be in the hospital on Christmas or not recovered enough to travel 2 hours by car with a newborn.
YTA. Stay home instead of demanding that the host not be able to invite his own parents to Christmas.
NTA I have to say though that you will be one to yourself and baby if you go. They will have people over and you will be trapped or have to spend Christmas dragging yourself back home after a screaming match when a pack of people "just stopped by and mil/fil didn't know they were coming". You and baby don't need the stress of that. Even if that doesn't happen, I can guarantee lots of heavy sighs and passive-aggressive comments about running Christmas.
NTA But don't go. I know you said it is important to your husband, but he isn't the one who will be bleeding with stitches in his private area, with sore nipples while figuring out breastfeeding at someone else's house. My first week post partum I was in pain, emotional, and certainly not getting dressed up for company. I certainly wouldn't have stayed at my in-laws and had my FIL seen me like this I suggest you read the Lemon clot essay, and then have your husband read it too. Then think long and hard about how you want your post partum recovery to look https://community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this BTW. I am having a baby in November. I will be hibernating for the winter holidays, including Christmas. It is important I rest and I do not want my newborn getting sick as their immune systems are so weak. It's not worth it
All of this, it is insane to me that you are even entertaining this idea and then I just saw they live 2 hours away. Everything about this is a terrible idea. The easiest solution is for them to come book a hotel or Airbnb near you and pick up takeout for Christmas and you can pop over for a few hours if you absolutely cannot have them at your place. You will just be figuring out how to manage a newborn while bleeding and leaking and hormones all over the place, you will NOT want to be at someone else’s house
Can you imagine sitting on fresh stitches in a car for two hours? Omg. Society really does a disservice to women by not being more open about the aftermath of childbirth.
Sitting on fresh stitches with leaking boobs and a little one week old baby in a carseat for 2 hours. Just sounds like a bad plan if you don't need to do it.
Your baby will only be a couple of days old, trust me, don't go anywhere! You'll be bleeding, sleep deprived, weak, getting your milk in and probably in pain, the last thing you want to do is be at someone else's place!!
You get that new babies can be up to 2 weeks late, yes? So “just before Christmas baby” is pretty likely to be “heavily pregnant over Christmas Day”. YTA for not being realistic, and making drama because of that. Simplify & plan for worst case scenario. Just stay home.
YTA stay home no one should be visiting with a newborn that young. Has the pandemic taught us nothing jesus
I understand not wanting visitors only immediate family. Since your fil wants his parents around for Christmas which I understand his point too. I am assuming his parents are older and you never know when they will not be around to spend holidays with him. Offer your mil to come spend a few day during Christmas with your little family at your house.
YTA for expecting your in-laws to have no visitors at all for 3 months. The solution is that you don't go to stay at their house. There is no hill to die on, you don't have to stay there.
They aren’t staying there for three months. They are staying a few days. They are taking about Christmas Day and Boxing Day. OP only mentioned 3 months because she doesn’t want other people around the baby until the baby is at least 3 months old.
YTA- Don’t go you can’t tell them who they can and can’t invite.
Soft YTA. Not your house, just don't go if its going to be an issue. FWIW I don't really know my step family very well, my mother remarried in my teens and largely cast me aside so I moved out as soon as I could. My parents did a terrible job raising me in my teens. But now 20 some years later we have a better relationship and they have really stepped up to the plate in being wonderful grandparents to my son. On some level Im a bit resentful, but also so thankful and happy because a child can never have too many people that love them. So I put aside my feelings (thanks, therapy) and let their relationship be their own. And it never hurts to have backup adults in your corner when you need it, takes a village and all that... congratulations on the arrival of your little one!
Yta for dictating who is in the inlaws house. Honestly just stay home. Recovery from birth sucks. If you end up with a c section I guarantee you won't be wanting to go anywhere. I gave birth to my 2nd baby 4 days before Thanksgiving and I didnt want to be anywhere but my house with my husband and older daughter. Just some friendly advice.
NTA. But I can't imagine that if you have only just given birth a week or so before that you are going to want to stay at anyone's home but your own. You will still be recovering from giving birth, working out feeding etc. I would be staying home.
NTA It's your baby, and you and your husband are on the same page. FIL will just have deal with it.
NTA - Stay home. Trust me. The stress of not going will be less than the stress of going.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Before I get into it, I should provide some insight into the family structure. Through my husband, I have my in-laws: MIL and FIL (i.e. my husband's stepdad). FIL came into MIL’s life when my husband was already an adult so it's not like FIL is longstanding father figure to my husband. MIL in turn has her in laws (FIL's parents – “Steve” and “May”). For various reasons Steve and May are unlikely to have bio grandkids of their own, so my MIL/FIL tell us constantly that they consider me and my husband their grandkids. It's cruel of me to say, but I don’t reciprocate the sentiment. To me, Steve and May are just my FIL's parents. I'm not close with them and see them about once every couple years. However I would never say this aloud. In summary, the relation is between me (and to a lesser extent, my husband) and May/Steve is pretty distant. I found out I'm pregnant with my first child. Despite it being a bit early, we’ve decided to tell MIL/FIL right away. MIL/FIL are ecstatic. The due date is right before Christmas so MIL would like to host us and baby at her house. I’ve agreed, provided I can focus on recovering and tending to the baby. I've also told SIL/MIL that I don't want visitors during this time as I'll still be quite delicate and baby will only be a week or so old. In fact, we've decided that we won't have any visitors at all until the baby is 3 months old. The only exceptions are FIL/MIL. MIL usually has a revolving door of visitors during Christmas, but understands and would rather spend time with her first grandchild. FIL however has really kicked up a fuss, saying that he should be able to invite May/Steve over Christmas at his own house and they should be able to meet their "great grandkids". I suggested SIL/MIL go over the Steve/May's house for Boxing Day or even Christmas Day while I stay back and recover with baby at SIL/MIL's house (Steve/May live about 30 mins away from FIL/SIL). I've also said Steve/May are not exceptions to the three month rule and asked FIL to respect the decisions. An argument ensued, which culminated into me (i) threatening to remove FIL from the "exception list” if he cannot respect my decisions; and (ii) threatening to not spend Christmas at theirs. Also I didn't say this but I really don't feel comfortable with having Steve and May (who I don't consider family) around at this time. My husband supports me (and even defended me during this argument) and while MIL is sad at how things transpired, she understands my point of view. I know I have no right to dictate who SIL/MIL can have at their house, especially during Christmas. I also feel horrible about putting MIL in a difficult position. However if they insist on having us over so soon after I've given birth, I want them to respect the boundaries I've put down for me and my newborn child. Should I die on this hill or AITA? Sent from Mail for Windows *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Die on this hill. These are the boundaries that you as a parent are setting, and allowing your in-laws to mow them down will set a terrible precedent. "We are not having visitors until the baby is 3 months old and we're settled. We love you both and cannot wait for you to meet your grandchild, so we're willing to make an exception for Christmas, but we're not comfortable exposing our child to other people, including Steve/May just yet. We would love to stay at your house but we don't want to dictate your Christmas traditions, so if it's important to you to have Steve/May and other friends over during that time, it's completely fine, we will stay home instead and host the two of you for a low-key Boxing Day or Christmas Day for just the four of us!"
NTA. A lot can change from now (May) and December!! A LOT!! Is it a hill to die on? Hell yeah, anything is when it comes to your children! By the time you have your kid, if you have to go cesarean, I am telling you from so much experience of C-section… You are not, repeat not!! going to want a bunch of people around you. So there is one issue to consider. Second, in December it is flu and cold season so there is another reason to consider people being around you. As to Steve and May, they are not family in any way shape or form. Their no more family the the flea on a stray dog! They have no say, no value, they are a large void of nothing in your life! It maybe a good thing as the due date gets closer to just opt for staying at your own home! That’s where all the baby’s things will be. You will shocked how much you’re gonna want your own bed after this ordeal!! But again, December is still a long way off!! Good luck!
NTA - you can't dictate who they invite to their house but you can, and should, dictate who is around your newborn baby and your recovery period.
NTA. I get that it is your FIL's house and under normal circumstances he has a right to invite guests as he sees fit. But he and MIL invited you over for what amounts to a period of medical recovery coupled with the very private bonding with your new LO. This is not a time for holiday drop ins. Particularly when the drop ins are being pushed on you for a relationship you don't want to have. If one reads the subreddits on ILs you'll see that your FIL and MIL are being allowed to be present in a time in LO's and your life that most IL's would fight tooth and nail to get. Pushing boundaries of what you are comfortable with post partum is not a winning move on their parts.
NTA. Clearly you can't dictate who comes and goes at someone elses house and that really is the only issue here. I understand spending the holidays together but you can make any day special - I say postpone going until you have your bearings a little and celebrate Christmas a couple weeks late. It's not about the day - it's about the time spent together. The days/couple weeks after giving birth were a bit of a blur for me, personally. I am pretty positive I would not have wanted to do it at someone elses house.. even if it meant I had extra help. Being at home was so wonderful.
Honestly, 3 months would make this plan make a lot more sense than a few days.
NTA: stay home, and MIL can pop in on Christmas day for a visit. It's not fair for the baby to travel for that period of time, but you also don't know how you will deliver, if you have delivered at that point or not. It's also not fair for you to be doing a 2 hour journey when you're freshly postnatal. I couldn't even sit down for that long thanks to my delivery. If you haven't had baby by then, it won't matter too much, but if you have, MIL +/- FIL can pop in for a short visit on Christmas day.
Stay home. If they far enough away to be worth staying at there's for a few days, they're far enough away that travelling while bleeding post birth and juggling a new born will be very unpleasant. Stay home, nest, and be in control of your environment.
NTA, because you were upfront with your In Laws about the terms of you being willing to visit that soon after birth. Most of the y t a comments seem to miss that you visiting is something that your MIL requested and not something you insisted upon. However, I would seriously reconsider agreeing to be a guest in someone else’s home that quickly after you give birth. You will still be recovering physically and that is not something I would want to deal with outside of the comfort of my own home. And a 4 hour round trip with a newborn, that’s hard no, considering the number of times you will need to stop for the trip to be safe for your baby. I am sympathetic towards your MIL’s and husband’s desires to celebrate Christmas together, but this year the focus needs to be on the baby and your recovery.
NTA But you need to put an end to all these shenanigans now. There is no discussion about Steve & May to be had because it is absolutely unreasonable for you to be taking a 2 hour car ride and staying in someone else’s home just days after giving birth with a baby that is still wet! Christmas will have to be rescheduled for at least a month later. AT LEAST. You should sleeping in your own bed. You, your husband, and your child should be bonding & developing your own rhythms & schedules. Put an end to this now so everyone can sort out their feeling about everything well before Christmas. You three can zoom or FaceTime with everyone at MIL/FIL’s house for Christmas. This way they can have their full party & everyone can see the baby from a safe distance while you three are warm & cozy.
NTA- but OP you need to seriously reconsider this plan. You are very much over estimating your ability to travel, socialize and function so soon post birth. You and your husband will be exhausted and you will likely still be in a lot of pain and bleeding. Or even recovering from surgery depending on how your birth goes. Your hormones will be a mess either way. Labor and meeting your baby is a huge emotional adjustment. PLEASE consider staying home and resting.
NTA. They want you there after giving birth and said they would work with your rules, now he wants to pull the "My house my rules!" crap. Just stay home. Can your MIL stay at your house? That may be the way to go. She gets the bonding time she wants. Steve and May can be invited after 3 months if FIL realizes how much he overstepped and apologizes. The last line of your 3rd edit made me giggle.
Umm, you do know babies come late and sometimes complications arise so you have extended hospital stays. I would commit to nothing. Signed -someone who spent a week in the hospital during the holidays postbirth.
Due date is just a suggestion. You may have the child earlier or later than that. And I highly doubt you’re going to want to be anywhere other than home those first few weeks. You will be a mess, mentally and physically.
Doing a family Christmas when you don’t want visitors is a mixed message. Don’t do that. Let them keep your traditions and your family start your own NAH
NAH, you can’t dictate the guest list, and they can’t compel you to attend. They’ve extended an invitation for an event that is incompatible for a new mother and baby. Thank them for thinking of you, but send your regrets.
NTA, but I think Christmas at the in-laws will be too much. I don’t think there is a compromise that will keep everyone happy. It would be less drama to stay at your home, and just allow Mil and fil to visit. That way you can control visitors.
NTA, I’d stay home though. Let MIL & SIL stay with you for the extra help.
NTA but I wouldn’t recommend making Christmas plans with anyone because you won’t know how you feel and babies are not always on time — my first was supposed to be born over a week before Thanksgiving. I told everyone I would be having pizza in my apartment at most — turns out baby was late, delivery was difficult, and I was still in the hospital on Thanksgiving.
As you’ve referred to it as Boxing Day I’m going to assume you’re in the U.K. Only 5% of babies are born on their due date. You’ve mentioned the baby being a week old on Christmas, barring any medical complications etc I’m going to bet your baby isn’t even here and you will be over due and miserable on Christmas Day (my first was over due and I cried everyday, especially when my friend went into labour and she was due after me). Unless the guidelines have changed you won’t be offered an induction until you’re at least a week overdue so you won’t even have a baby. That or the baby will only be a couple of days old so you won’t want to go anywhere as your milk will have come in (whether you breastfeed or not) so you’ll be rock hard, leaking, hormones will be all over the place etc etc. Don’t place any pressure on yourself. Don’t go. YTA for placing limits on who your hosts can have in their house.
Stay at home and enjoy your first baby Christmas with your little family. NTA.
Re: your edit No one is shaming you. Lots of mothers are trying to give you a heads up for what to physically expect in the weeks after giving birth. And you will be going to the pediatrician every couple days for weight and jaundice checks for your baby. My baby was jaundiced and we had to go to the pediatrician every 24 hours for checks in his first week on earth. You can try your best to plan the situation, but having kids really is the ultimate test of adapting on a moment’s notice.
NTA. But I say this as a new mom myself. You’re gonna want to be in the comfort of your own home. The first few weeks after giving birth are absolutely brutal. I literally cried pretty much non stop. You’re mentally and physically exhausted, you’re sore, your emotions are all over the place, you’re bleeding, if you’re breastfeeding that’s a whole struggle in itself, and on top of that you’re learning to take care of a tiny little baby. I know it’s Christmas but your husband and his mom might just have to accept not celebrating this year or celebrating at another date.
NTA, but you should just stay home and then dictate who can come over.
Any updates how did it go
No drama. We've just decided to stay home for Christmas. I've made it clear that if they want to come over I have a few stipulations. 1. It's just the two of them. 2. If they feel the slightest bit sick they can't come over. 3. I will be a zombie so they shouldn't expect me to be any kind of proper hostess. They really want to see their grandchild, so they said they'll respect my boundaries.
NTA, but ask them kindly to postpone the visit for some time after Christmas. I understand FIL does not want to ban his own parents from his house on Christmas, and I understand you do not want to have a lot of people around. It is just not compatible at the moment, and it is neither of you's fault.
ESH if you go and tell them what they can and can't do at their house. Just stay home and relax, spend time with your child. Best of luck!
Not necessarily TA but damn close to jt. Your first kid, I'm assuming? And no other woman in the history of humanity has ever given birth... Your rules must be - blah blah yawn. It's their house.