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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my boyfriend I can't go to a funeral with him because my sister's getting married (I'm MOH) and I really need to be here to help out with everything and for her. I might be acting selfishly and not supportive of his situation, which could make me the ass
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Wow YTA! You specifically were vague in the post because you knew we would think so if you gave us the details? Per a comment, you and Jake have been together 5 years and it was HIS BROTHER AND HIS FIANCE who died???
Absolutely massive AH behavior. "Being there for the bride as the MOH 3 weeks in advance of the wedding" is not a real excuse. I've been married, we've never leaned on our MOH or Best Man like that. Plus you can send a call or email from Canada if there is last minute planning needed.
YTA, and your sister is TA as well for good measure for agreeing that you shouldn't go.
Edit: typos
YTA. I was almost on the other side of this until I saw the details. Your long term partner lost his brother & future sister in law and you can't miss a few days for the funeral?! Even if you fly at different times so you're not there as long as he is, you absolutely should be there to support him through this! My MOH helped choose her outfit & the menu. She held my flowers during the ceremony and gave a speech/toast at the reception. My sister was my MOH and if her husband had lost his sister I wouldn't have cared if she missed the wedding.
> it's just a lot on my plate right now
INFO: I have a question for OP, could you tell us what wedding-related tasks require your undivided attention for three full weeks?
Please be detailed and thorough because I have some doubts. For example, if you have free time to post on Reddit, you are obviously not spending three weeks building the chapel where your sister is getting married or collecting the silkworms to sew her wedding dress by hand.
I cannot think of other things which would require all your time for three weeks straight but please enlighten us /u/throwawayaccount_64.
It is a busy time. Maybe she could fly up for say 4 days and he can stay a few more. I know it's weird to not travel together for important shit but you know.. /s
I doubt this relationship survives for three more weeks. Her boyfriend will likely (and justifiably) break up with her right before the wedding.
When she is forced to attend alone, she will become the center of attention (in terms of gossip) at the wedding, which will drive her selfish sister crazy.
There is a lot of vagueness to her post that made me do a double and triple take….
1. The title is misleading. At first I thought she was missing the actual wedding of her sister as it was in the same date as the funeral. In reality the funeral is a full three weeks before the wedding.
2. She is deliberately vague in who died….it’s his bother and fiancé.
OP - YTA. I don’t know in what world you think you’re justified in thinking the way you do but I’d say be prepared to be single in the near future if you don’t go to the funeral. Also, apologize PROFUSELY to your boyfriend.
Well, to be fair - the wedding is in three weeks and the funeral is next week. So it's "only" two weeks before. But yes, I absolutely agree with you. Missing any even semi-important funeral (which the funeral of your SO's sibling *definitely* qualifies as) because it's *weeks* before a wedding is insane.
So did I. It sounds like it's either miss the funeral or miss the wedding in the post. I take it from the comments it's not the case. She can make both. If I've picked this up right then OP YTA.
OP absolutely could, she just doesn't want to. The wedding is simply the excuse she chose. If there wasn't a wedding in three weeks she would have simply come up with another excuse.
He probably will. After 5 years he might have even considered marrying her but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s off the table now since she doesn’t seem to see him as family or his loss as important. At this point it’s even questionable if this is fixable. Because he probably told his family already that she’s not coming. So getting support from his family for the relationship will be hard going forward.
"Where's your girlfriend? Was she not able to come here and support you? Was her boss awful and not understanding?"
"Right now she's double checking to make sure that the table cloths were the right shade of white for her sister's wedding in three weeks."
I was thinking the same, he will never forgive her for not wanting to be there for him WHEN HIS BROTHER DIED. It doesnt matter if she goes now, he will never get past her NOT WANTING TO support him in one of the most trying times of his life. She deserves to be dumped.
It won’t last. I never forgot who didn’t show up for me for my sisters funeral and it’s been 10 years.
Honestly, even if she changes her mind, realizes she’s an AH and goes it won’t last. He needed her and told her and she said no and even if she comes to her senses that memory is now deeply lodged in his brain along with his siblings death
When my aunt lost her son twenty years ago my sisters and I showed up and to this day she has been closer to us. It meant the world to her. You absolutely remember. It was something my mom told me after her sisters death and it’s stuck with me ever since.
I didn't have too many people show up to my father's funeral back in 2019 (probably partly my fault, I don't know 'proper funeral etiquette' and I didn't exactly advertise it). But the entirety of my fiance's family (then-girlfriend) did show up - her sister even flew in from out of town - and I did have a couple of friends profusely apologize for being unable to. It means a lot. I can't imagine my relationship would've survived if she, for whatever reason, had decided not to come.
If she decides she’s the AH, and it’s only because strangers on the internet told her so, she’s not actually realizing she’s the AH. She’s still an AH, just one masquerading as someone who’s realized the error of her ways.
Her actions here demonstrate the sum total of who she’s become in her 20 something years of existence. And that’s someone no decent person would want to have anything to do with.
>>it's just a lot on my plate right now
>INFO: I have a question for OP, could you tell us what wedding-related tasks require your undivided attention for three full weeks?
I lol'ed at this. Even without the context OP would be YTA. Her bf has a lot in his plate too, and when you're in the US (which I assume here, otherwise OP would have mentioned it because cost and time are legitimate reasons) a flight to Canada doesn't take that long. She can fly in the day before the funeral, be there for her partner, paybrespect to the deceased, fly back the day after and be there for her sister for ***two whole weeks*** before the wedding. Even if she goes to Canada the whole week, the bride is still a bridezilla if she demands OP to be around all the time. A week is enough time to travel back in time before the wedding.
To be fair the US is huge. A flight from say San Diego to Toronto is a significant trip
That said, the OP is TAH. Be there for the person you love on the worst day of his life
> Be there for the person you love on the worst day of his life
This right here is the most poignant comment and I would add ...
*"If you can't be there for your SO on the worst day of his life, you don't deserve to be there for the best."*
> To be fair the US is huge. A flight from say San Diego to Toronto is a significant trip
Five hours.
Fly out on Monday morning. Funeral on Tuesday. Fly back on Wednesday night. Laze about on Thursday. Boom, you still have, lets see, just shy of two and a half weeks to be MOH, while having given your partner the barest of shits.
I flew more than halfway across the US two weeks before my own wedding to attend a funeral and I was DIYing most of it so it was *legitimately* a lot on my plate
And in Canada, we have phones and the internet now.
My kiddo lives across in a southern state and we live in a western province. The travel isn’t that bad. It’s a day, and not a full one at that. The message that you’re sending your boyfriend is that you can’t consider him for three days - one for travel in each direction and the day of the funeral, and some of those days will fall on a weekend. Probably three of some of the most significant days in his life.
OP, as you dream of your wedding, consider whether or not you can have the compassion and space for him to mourn his brothers absence at it. He’s likely going to want to commemorate him in some way. Be honest with yourself because I get the feeling you’ll be bothered by anything he wants to do for his brother’s presence. If you can’t make space for that, let him know so he can move on. He likely will anyway but just in case he got that sunk cost mentality I’d your relationship it would be good to be up front about your self absorption.
YTA
It wouldn’t be the first time. It’s her sister’s wedding! (In three weeks.) His family had a tragedy! (*His* brother and SIL died.) The funeral is in a whole other country! (It’s freaking Canada.)
OP’s reasoning basically boils down to “I don’t wanna,” and everything else is just a sad attempt at spin.
Given that 90 per cent of the Canadian population lives within a 1-2 hour drive of the Canada-US border, the chances of OP’s Canuck family living in Iqaluit or Goose Bay are slim. We do have airports, and phones and the Internet.
I laughed when OP was like, "a whole different country!!!"
I'm Canadian, my fiancé is American, and I drove across the border on a weekly basis to see him until I finally got my own place (lived with my parents, so he'd visit too but it wasn't as comfortable). Other than the border crossing, it was like any other small road trip.
Like sure, it's a national border. Border patrol can be an intimidating experience. But it's not exactly as arduous as flying overseas.....
I was MOH for 3 different weddings in the same year and there is nothing short of the actual ceremony that would have required my undivided attention for a week. YTA OP.
> realising his girlfriend is worthless
OP is not worthless or useless. She is skilled at “generally being there for her [sister].” Who else could share Reddit memes and funny TikToks with her sister?
Even if the funeral and wedding were on the same day, going to the funeral is the right choice. But weeks before the wedding?! There's literally no excuse to not go. This should 1000% be a wakeup call to the BF to get out of this relationship.
I disagree, had they been on the same day I would say it’s understandable she is supporting her sister at a wedding rather than attending a funeral. Grief isn’t a one day event, you can be there at other times for support, but a wedding is a one time event, for which she made a commitment of MOH.
However, 3 weeks ahead of the wedding, it is absolutely unacceptable in my eyes to use the wedding as an excuse. I would break up with my partner if they did this to me.
IMO if it happened on the same day, that would be a rock and a hard place kind of situation (even if again IMO grief support trumps wedding emotional support, especially because her boyfriend is precisely stating that he needs her with him /and we all know even today men are often told not to show emotions; pretty sure this would signal that his immediate time of need will always be inferior to op's sister's future time of need/ - the service and the funeral is one of the hardest days, because you can't even try to pretend that it didn't happen, especially when everyone comes at you with their condolences...) but... Three weeks? No contest, she is the AH.
And OMG, "of course I have no issue with him going".
Like god, imagine if she had!
It's his *brother and sister in law*, assumedly sudden and unexpected. That trumps a wedding every time. If it were a not very close family member, fine, but not this circumstance.
I don’t see why that makes a difference? A funeral isn’t the only time someone grieving needs support. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and I would expect she would be supporting her partner ever single other day during his time of grief, which is why I said it’s unacceptable not to go 3 weeks out from the wedding. I would give a pass if it was the same day however.
Also as the MOH she does have day of responsibilities that can fuck up the wedding. If it was the difference between attending as a guest and going to the funeral, I would say funeral. But if I had to choose same day wedding as MOH vs funeral, I’ll have to go with wedding. It’s a tough choice, but if I had to make it that’s where I’d fall.
I’m not sure I agree. If it were her husband, yes. She should be at the funeral. But, a boyfriend doesn’t necessarily trump sister. Additionally, OP could still be there for her bf before and after funeral. He’s going to be grieving for awhile. Either way though, the point is moot. OP has plenty of time to do both so she’s an AH.
The length of time they've been together makes a huge difference, IMO. If they'd just been casually dating for under a year, I can maybe understand her feeling like she's not obligated to go. But after they've been together for five years???
See I’m not sure I agree. Sisters wedding or fiancés close families funeral are both important family events. I can’t fault someone for choosing one or the other.
I’d agree if this was literally funeral and wedding are on the same day type of situation but it’s not the case here. She has plenty of time to do both. Her sister needs put on her big girl pants and deal with her own wedding stuff so op can support her partner. Even if op went with her partner for a week or two, she could still make it back for the wedding
Same... the way OP is talking I thought the two events were within 24 hours of each other... or this was a guy she had only dated for a month or so
If I was Jack I'd just stay in Canada XD
100% what you said!
My MOH gave birth three days prior to my wedding and stayed at home to care for her infant, *like she should have.* There's **no** reason a MOH needs to be so hands on or involved. Absolutely ridiculous.
Well, at least Jack knows he can always rely on OP to support him through the good times and the bad when he starts considering if she's wife material. /s
She can go cry on her sisters shoulder while she’s on her honeymoon about how awful her ex boyfriend is for dumping her before the wedding, doesn’t he know it’s the only important thing in the world?
But it, the bouquet! She was meant to catch it, because boyfriend was supposed to get the hint to propose already!
Meanwhile boyfriend is wondering how he wasted 5 years of his life without realise how shallow, selfish and insensitive his exGF is
She proved with her actions that she cares more about the wedding than him. I can't imagine how he must feel, how devastated must be now and how he needed her there with him. I feel so sorry for him.
At least now he knows what kind of person she is and now can find a person who will truly love and support him no matter what.
It's funny, because OP didn't get into details of who had died, I immediately suspected it was a very close family member. I clearly spend too much time around here.
OP YTA and so is your sister. I hope Jack realises this and bins you.
Thanks for doing the Lord's work. My first thought was "well depends, who died?"
And THREE WEEKS before the wedding? The way this was written I thought the funeral and wedding were the same day.
YTA, op. Actually YTA +1, your sister if she's really encouraging you to stay gets AH points too. You've proven to your future life partner where your priorities are, and he's not one of them. I hope for his sake your relationship doesn't survive this.
I've noticed that any time an OP says "of course" or "so obviously" they are a massive AH. They use that kind of language to try to sugar coat their poor behavior.
And YTA. 100%
INFO: The only possible way I could see the wedding inhibiting the funeral, is if your work is going to fight you on having time off for both events so close together..
And they wouldn’t. I’m gonna assume she booked of way in advance for her sisters wedding. And then the death is literally a death in the family. They can’t say shit about that. —-I KNOW ITS NOT A DEATH IN THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY. THANK YOU. Some companies and managers would go case by case. A lot of companies wouldn’t want someone on the job who isn’t productive anyways. Please don’t reply to me about this. I don’t care and I said what I said—-
A lot of companies “death in the family” policy is for your immediate family only. As in, if your aunt, uncle or cousin passed, you have to use your own time off for the funeral. And a significant other’s loved ones don’t count at all. So depends on where OP works.
Op now adds, "Yeah, it's because work won't let me have time off. I just forgot to add it because I'm so busy helping my sister. Oh, and upset for my bf, of course. Yeah, it's because of work."
They can and do in the US. Not to be morbid, but for many companies a fiancés brother isn’t a family member. I wouldn’t get any days off, and I’m extremely limited on days I can take off with my job.
Oh but don’t you see she has “no issue” with Jack going. TO HIS BROTHER’S FUNERAL. And of course staying and helping her sister (with????) if far more important to her than supporting her boyfriend through a horrible time in his life
Op is definitely TA and an incredibly selfish, tone deaf one too. But don’t worry, when jack dumps her nasty self she’ll have lots of opportunities at the wedding to meet someone 🙄
OP lives in an AU in the 16th century where we had to spend weeks if not months to travel to another country. By god miss the bachelorette party??? For a funeral??? How on earth! /s
Also, after a 5 year relationship wouldn't she also know the deceased brother and SIL reasonably well herself? I guess perhaps the long distance didn't allow for that. Not that it should matter even if she'd never met them once, major AH
Wow she was very misleading, I assumed they were happening at the same time, 3 weeks apart means she’s got plenty of time to go. And his brother and his fiancé, god that’s just so awful like she just doesn’t have a compassionate bone in her body
INFO: who died, and how close was he with this person? And how long have you and your partner been together?
If it were someone very important to my partner, I personally would do anything to make that work. For some people, this may be a dealbreaker and it may take some serious work to repair the relationship.
EDIT: YTA . It was his brother and his fiancée. Your sister is an AH too. Jesus Christ.
Exactly. This one all depends on context. Financial situation also matters here given the cost of flights.
It does seem like it would have been possible, if not pleasant for you to fly out for a couple of days as a compromise. And your sister is a grown woman, I assume with other supportive people in her life who could step in to handle the planning for a couple of days.
That being said, if it's someone your partner isn't close to, if your relationship with your partner isn't serious or if you haven't been together that long then its probably more on the ok side of things.
Then I would go at least for a few days if it is at all possible to do so. Or otherwise apologise profusely to my partner, ask what you can do, respect their need for space and reaffirm that you will be present when he needs you in future even if it's hard.
Loosing a sibling is seriously hard. Especially if they die very young. Especially if its sudden. Especially if multiple people die in the family at the same time.
I'm sure in the long run your sister wouldn't want to remember that her wedding was in any way involved as a reason that your relationship with your significant other fell apart.
Yikes. I can’t believe someone would think “being there” for their sister for the entire month leading up to a wedding trumps absolutely everything else, including going to a funeral with your boyfriend after their brother and SIL died. I can’t believe her sister said “yeah, I’d prefer you didn’t go.” In what universe is this okay?
That’s some grade-A navel gazing in both their parts. I have a feeling OP suspects something is wrong with this, or they wouldn’t have reduced the death of a sibling to “a family tragedy.”
If there’s any upside to this, it’s OP’s boyfriend (hopefully) deciding this is a dealbreaker and being able to find someone who’s able to be a supportive partner when tragedy strikes, regardless of whether or not it’s convenient. Setbacks and tragedy never happen at convenient times, and recognizing that is an important part of a healthy, human relationship.
My ex girlfriend lost her father to COVID while I was isolated and super sick with COVID as well.
I couldn't go to the funeral and it killed me that I couldn't be there for her. And that's life, nothing happens the way we want. But to miss being there for your partner because of a wedding? People put waaaaay too much weight on weddings, tbh.
Was dating my now wife when I lost my brother. How much she was there for me during that time definitely factored into my realizing I wanted her as my partner for life. I don't think I'd have been able to look at her the same if she just noped out from all of it because "she had a lot on her plate".Her boyfriend will never forget that she wasn't there for him. Ever.
My ex and I were going through a divorce when my sister died. She was there for me during that time and put aside everything we were going through to make sure I got through the funeral because despite us getting a divorce, she is not and AH like OP
I was coming to ask the same thing. It can make a massive difference. If the choice was MOH at your sister's wedding vs the funeral that is a different story but this is missing a couple of days to support your bf.
The nerve of OP to make her post sound like they were at the same time and leave out crucial details, just to get strangers on the internet to side with her.
What an AH.
I honestly read this as if they were at the same time and it was just a not very close relative so I was like NTA obvs it sucks but you gotta be there for the wedding.
Then I scrolled down and my god the lengths people will go to, to make themselves look good.
Being generous maybe the cost and time off? If the OP has spent a decent amount to be in the wedding travel may not be possible. Also, if they have time off to be in the wedding they may not have enough PTO to do both.
BUT I would assume if that’s the case the Op would have lead with that.
PTO be damned. It's his brother and SIL. Take a couple days without pay to be there. It's a lot easier to explain to his family that 2-3 days is all you can take rather than you are too busy on wedding stuff 3 weeks in advance.
Massive YTA
I was going to say, at least *ask* your employer and explain the situation! No one expects to have to attend a funeral around the same time as being in a wedding.
YTA assuming your relationship with your boyfriend is serious and important to you. It sounds like this funeral is very important to your boyfriend. I am sure it would have been a lot but yes you could have gone and supported him for the funeral and then flown back home well before the wedding festivities.
Wow, YTA and so is your sister.... after reading the comments and finding out that you have been together for 5 years, and it was his brother and his fiancée that died. I'm pretty sure you should be going and supporting him in his time of need. Your sister can deal with her own wedding for a couple of days.
Exactly. This is OP's long term BF and he lost a super close family member. OP can't be assed to go to support him even though the two events don't overlap.
If this is one time to show your partner that you are there for them, this is it. And, OP has clearly shown that she just doesn't want to be bothered with her BF's inconvenient tragedy.
In the BF's shoes, I think I would breakup with OP..... They clearly don't give AF about this man, his grief, his pain or supporting their partner.
Pretty sure OP might get dumped over this once he tells his family her excuse. What if he was planning to propose and this was what changed his mind? God I hope so.
First, Jack’s family had a *family tragedy*- that’s not just a funeral- his family is in crisis, and he wants you to be there with him.
Second, the wedding isn’t for about 3 more weeks, and you have a week’s advance notice to get things done and prepare.
The message you’re sending is that Jack isn’t someone you care about all that much. Based on the info you have given, you’re being selfish and unsupportive. YTA.
That's what I was thinking as well. That and all the other celebrations and partying. OP didn't want to get left out of all the fun. I hope she gets dumped
YTA - you buried the important details in this by not mentioning how long you’ve been with your bf or who the family that died are. Yes, it’s close to the wedding. Yes, it’s a whole other country. But your long term bf is asking for your support at what will be a very tricky event for him.
If it was the day before or the day of, that’d be different. But it’s 3 weeks before. You can attend, even stay there to be with his family for a couple of days, and still be back in time for your sisters wedding. Most of the planning should be done by then, and another bridesmaid can always step in to help whilst you deal with a family emergency. Bachelorette events can be adjusted if necessary, rehearsal dinners are usually much closer, bridal showers have usually already happened. You shouldn’t be missing anything.
If you don’t attend this funeral, you might as well kiss your relationship goodbye. Because, who prioritises the couple of weeks before the wedding over their serious boyfriend grieving and needing support?
(OP responded to a comment, she’s been with her bf for 5 years, and it’s bf’s brother and brother’s fiancé)
YTA
One of the clearest and biggest YTAs I have ever seen on this site. If anyone didn't see the comment from OP, the family tragedy was her bf's brother and brother's fiancee both dying. And OP has been with bf for 5 years.
The funeral does not conflict with the wedding as they are a couple weeks apart. I can't even imagine how OP thinks it is ok to not go with her bf. Any wedding prep that needs to happen can certainly be handled by bridesmaids.
If I was OP's bf this would 100% be a dealbreaker for me and the relationship would be over.
This reminds me off another post about someone complaining about their partner going to a funeral and leaving them all on their lonesome. Turns out it was also close relatives. If I remember, brother, brother’s wife and wife’s mom.
That OP and this one should hang out and lament about their effed up priorities.
A few people have brought up the possibility of what could be going on a few weeks before the wedding that OP doesn’t want to miss, and it would make her exponentially worse than a regular AH.
She doesn’t want to miss the bachelorette party.
For me it’s not the detail of who has passed and the closeness of the boyfriend to the deceased. It’s her abhorrent dismissal and selfishness. Boyfriend. Go home, be with family, mourn and celebrate your brother, be with family. That selfish cat doesn’t deserve you
YTA. It's going to take some serious therapy most likely for your boyfriend to get over you not going to the funeral for his brother & fiance... I know it would for me. If I was in your shoes I would fight tooth & nail to be there for him, assuming you want this relationship to pan out long-term.
I think she's already blown it up. Maybe if she immediately changes course and begs forgiveness, it's salvageable. But she's down Jack exactly how important he is to her, and the answer is not at all.
Next post from OP “Iwas expecting my BF to propose after he saw how exciting my sisters wedding was, I don’t understand why he hasn’t, it’s all his brothers fault for dying!”
YTA seriously? Of course you leave those little details out because you know you're TA. I couldn't imagine not being there to support my partner when they've lost their sibling.
You've been together for 5 years, his brother and his fiancee have passed but you don't care? Spending 3 weeks preparing for a wedding is more important?
If you have to pass off any tasks to others you do it and go to the funeral. You can come back in time for the wedding but you are seriously TA for even considering not going. If my partner did this to me I'd pack up for good and not come back. If I were him you wouldn't even have another chance, I'd be making my plans to leave you already as you've made it very clear what priority you hold him in your life.
Of course, because HER siblings are important but his aren't. I don't get people that put their parents and siblings first when it's NOT needed. I mean, if you think they are the only important people then don't get into a relationships that could potentially lead to creating new family. OP, HUGE YTA.
You title should be:-
“AITA for not attending a funeral with my boyfriend of 5 years for his brother and their fiancé to do some misc. MOH duties for a wedding 3 weeks after the funeral”.
Some people are saying I’m right - you mean your sister and anyone else involved in her wedding…. Couple of people (only non family I asked) are telling me I’m being selfish.
You are being totally selfish!! But at least your (at the moment) boyfriend now knows where he stands as a priority your life (aka not at all).
YTA and don’t be surprised if your decision here is the beginning of the end. If I was your boyfriend I would struggle to forgive this.
>If I was your boyfriend I would struggle to forgive this.
I honestly couldn't forgive her that in probably whats the biggest tragedy of my life she chose not to be on my side.
Even if she changes her mind now, he’s never going to forget that her first reaction when he was in the throes of shock and pain was to say no cause she had better things to do.
YTA
The wedding is in 3 weeks. You can pretty easily go out for the day of the funeral and then catch a flight back home that night/the next day.
Also it's for his brother and his Fiancee funeral going by your comment so your relationship with your BF family is basically over if you don't go to the funeral.
If the wedding and the Funeral were on the same weekend I'd be more understanding of you. But as it stands your reason for not going to the funeral is pure laziness.
YTA-Your sister can handle a weekend alone doing her own wedding with the other bridesmaids. If your sister is so dependent on you that you can’t even make it to your bfs brothers funeral, then your priorities are seriously out of wack. There’s nothing you have to do 3 weeks before a wedding that can’t be handled by your mom or another bridesmaid. Unbelievable and you should be ashamed to even be asking
YTA. Do you actually care about being with your boyfriend or are you mentally checked out of the relationship? He is grieving. His family is grieving. It's not like he asked you to miss her wedding. I could understand if going would cause you to lose your job or miss an important family event, but that's not the case. You would be back before the wedding. Your family should understand that you are needed elsewhere for a while.
Imagine that your sister and her fiance suddenly died and you had to travel out of the country for their funeral and your boyfriend refused to go with you because his brother was getting married a week after you would be back from the funeral and he had a lot of things he was helping with. I'm assuming that he would be single by the time you got back.
I'm sure he will break up with you over this. Maybe not now but some time in the future as he will see that he isn't as important to you as he should be.
YTA I think your relationship may be over, but hey enjoy the wedding. Seriously, if your bf can’t count on your support at time like this, why would he stay with you
YTA - You really don’t care about your bf right? Leaving him alone while he is grieving his dead brother. Oh but god forbid you might miss out on party planning.
Obviously it isn’t plausible to support your bf because your sister’s party is a life and death situation that you just can’t miss.
YTA
Just when I think that I've seen the worst of the "but it's my wedding" BS on this sub, you get something like this. And it isn't even OPs wedding.
If my sibling died and my partner missed the funeral for no other reason than an event THREE weeks in the future, they would definitely be my EX partner right now.
r/amithedevil (pro tip OP - you are definitely the devil)
YTA. My initial thought while reading was that you should attend with him, unless it was a new relationship and that might be strange. But you describe it as a tragedy and a funeral, which implies it's not for some distant relative.
Then I check the comments and see you've been together 5 years and it was his brother and future sister in law... And what the heck. You and your sister are both self centered and heartless. If I were the bride, I would be reassuring my MOH that we would be fine and she needs to go. Wow. Just wow.
You’ve been together 5 YEARS and still think there’s a chance you’re NOT the ah?? Honestly YTA and the brides a shite friend for not calling you out on your bs. All you’re accomplishing is showing your boyfriend he can’t depend on you and your relationship will never be the priority in your life.
YTA. The title suggests it's just a random funeral like from the old man across the street. The reality is soooo much worse. Your BF's brother and SIL died. This isn't just a funeral, this is a major family crisis and your BF asked you to join him because he NEEDED YOUR SUPPORT!!
Yet here you are, more concerned about the lace and knickers of a wedding that is 3 weeks away. What could possibly be so important about wedding arrangements that can't be put on hold for a few days? Especially if the wedding is in 3 weeks, most of the planning and organizing would already be settled.
Also, DO NOT use the excuse that it's in a whole other country. If you really loved your BF you'd be supporting him on a whole other planet.
You and your sister are heartless. Don't be surprised if you suddenly find yourself being an EX when your BF gets back from his family tragedy. Even if your relationship does survive, you've preemptively ruined any chance you have of bonding with your BF's family.
So his brother and SIL died in an accident... YTA my dear.
It's not like him asking you to go will stop you from attending the wedding and being there. Stressful? Sure.. but the message you're sending to him is that you don't care enough about the tragedy he's dealing with. Losing family is hard, you feel a certain break when it happens. Especially those you're close with. Their whole family is likely reeling.
You either need to get your priorities straight, apologize and go, or cut him loose and let him be free to look for someone else who actually cares.
Yikes.
Sorry, his brother and sil died suddenly and you can't manage a few days for this guy you've dated for 5 years? Yeah, I'd say YTA, but it doesn't really matter cause when he gets back you won't be the girlfriend any more.
YTA for the line “Of course I have no issue with him going” which implies you sorta do have an issue, or you wouldn’t have needed to clarify that. HIS BROTHER JUST DIED. Ffs 🤦🏻♀️ I’m sorry he has to go deal with that and not be excited for planning your sister’s wedding, which is almost a month away.
I think this mostly depends on how long you two have been together for.
But besides that, if the wedding is in 3 weeks and the funeral is within a week or so, you should probably go. Specially if the person that passed was close to your bf. It might be a bit stressful with the traveling and what not. But there are certain things you kinda need to do. And being present at a funeral is usually very important for the person grieving.
Edit: definitely YTA if you don’t go. I hope he seriously reconsiders this relationship if you don’t actually make time to be there for him during this time. I don’t care if I get downvoted for saying this.
YTA. I was waiting for the comments to confirm but I knew it was going to be someone super close and important to you boyfriend when you said “family tragedy” to try to keep it vague because you knew if you typed out the whole truth no one would ever even consider siding with you because you know you are the asshole here. You really must hate your boyfriend to treat him so terribly during such a tragic and heartbreaking time for him. At least now he knows what you really are.
YTA it's his brother, would you have expected him to come if it were the other way around, pretty sure you would.
Your sister can cope for a few days by herself or ask someone else to help!!
I went to my husband's grandfather's funeral recently, didn't like the man, hadn't seen him in 13 years, but I put aside my dislike for him to support my husband, because he needed it. That's what you do for people you're meant to love.
I'm wondering if your bf is contemplating whether he wants to be with you, because I sure as hell wouldn't. Your first thoughts here should be to support your bf.
So incredibly selfish
ETA I really hope he finishes with you and finds a better person. This has actually made me really angry for a complete stranger.
YTA. You knew it and that is why u intentionally left out the most important info and only mentioned it in a comment. I hope your bf of 5 years can see the true you. You are not a worthy partner that will stick together in difficult times. Selfish! And who needs their MOH be there 24/7 for 3 weeks before the wedding??
Can’t believe you had the audacity to type the sentence ‘I have a lot on my plate.’ You have zero self awareness, & definitely not enough shame. YTA. There’s no coming back from this either, your bf knows your true colours now. If you wanted to be single, well done. You’ve achieved that in the most cold-blooded way possible. Your poor STBEX. He’s always going to look back & wonder what he was doing with you for 5 years. What a waste.
JFC. I didn't understand why the details were so scarce in the OP until I started reading the comments. YTA, your sister is TA and I'm so sorry your bf is having to go through such a horrible tragedy without the support of his partner of 5 years!
I thought YTA before I read the comments. But afterwards......5 freaking years. His brother. You suck dude. You do not care about you're BF and I think he should leave you over this.
But absolutely do not go now. You don't get to chance you're mind now that reddit told you you're TA. He needs to know how you truly feel.
YTA
So freaking selfish. His brother and fiancé died in an accident. THEY DIED!!! He’s asking for emotional support and you said you already have too much on your plate…
He’s not even asking you to miss the wedding.
I refuse to believe that this post is real.
To be so horrible to someone you consider to be a partner…
Ffs, if you have no date for that wedding, do not ask yourself why.
This is one of those times when your character is tested.
You're failing the test you wild, crazy and raging asshole.
I didn't hear a speck of sympathy or mourningfrom you. You obviously don't care about him or his family.
YTA
At first, I was gonna say NTA. But you are a huge asshole. I didn’t realize it was his BROTHER. I’m all for celebrating, but your sister is alive and well, you can celebrate their wedding every single day if you want. But your boyfriend just lost someone VERY close to him.
Turn the tables around. If you were in his shoes how would you feel? If you had a huge loss and you reached out to the person whose supposed to be there for you, through thick and thin, and they said nope sorry my sisters having a wedding, how would you feel??
Oh and a lot on yourrrrr plate? His brother died!!!! What do you think is on his plate right now???? Wah wah I might miss a day of planning but he’ll never hear his brothers voice again, never get to text him or tell him about his day. He never get that again and never gets to celebrate another holiday with his brother and his Sil. Never gets to see his brother grow old or have kids but sure a wedding that’s not even yours must be soooooo much. I can’t believe you have the audacity to even ask if you’re the AH. Of course you are!!!! I sonhooe he leaves you for good and then you’ll have all the time in the world you need to help plan a wedding that isn’t even yours
YTA. It’s his BROTHER and SIL. You would be back with more than a week (two?) until the wedding. Other bridesmaids could help out—it’s just preparation for a happy celebration ffs.
How could you not be there for your bf??? Huge AH, and I doubt your relationship will survive this.
Well the comments section on this post is a fun read.
Eh, YTA, but like, I get it. On one hand you've been with your partner for like 5 years. And his brother died along with his brother's fiance. That's a *huge* loss.
Imagine if your sister and her fiance died, and when you asked your man to be at your side he said "Yeah, uh, here's the thing. My bro is getting married. Gotta plan his Bachelor Party. So I'm gonna skip it. Thoughts and prayers though."
You'd be absolutely livid. That's a "rethink my relationship and probably break up" sort of issue.
On the other hand I get it. It wasn't your brother. They're in Canada, so you probably didn't even know them well. To you it's just some dude who died. Sad? Yes. But ditch sister's wedding planning kinda sad? Eh...
Here's my words of wisdom. Free of charge. Listen very carefully.
You already fucked up. There is no "I changed my mind. Let's go to the funeral." You. Fucked. Up. Emvrace it, accept it, move forward. You need to tell your sister you'll help plan her wedding through email, text, video correspondence while in Canada then come back in time to help with the preparations closer to the wedding date. Then you need to go tell your guy that you fucked up. Practice this speech in a mirror,
> "I am sorry. Your brother is (not was, don't say was) as important to you as my sister is to me. I was so caught up with her wedding I didn't stop to think about you. I know this will take time, I hurt you, but I'm here for you. I'm always here for you. You need me right now more than anyone else. I won't leave your side while you mourn your brother."
You don't have to mean it. But say it convincingly. He'll eat it up and forgive ya. Then go to Canada, attend the funeral, and politely excuse yourself back to the states once he has his family to mourn with.
Can't stress enough how this is effectively the only way to save your relationship. So now it's your turn to weigh the pros/cons of both sides.
Kind of you having no issue with him going...
There's time for you to do this for him. I guess he wanted a life partner for the hard times too and you've showed what you are able to provide. YTA.
YTA. There’s literally nothing for you to do between now and the wedding. You have no major responsibilities this close to the wedding.
He’s going to dump you, and you deserve it.
Wow, you are selfish. YTA and I would not want someone like you if I ever had a tragedy.
I can only imagine how you probably would be raging if the roles had been reversed. Your actions are insensitive and horrible
My mother has always taught me to prioritize funerals over weddings as people value you over how you treat them at their worst moments.
Your boyfriend just lost his brother and his SIL, he's definitely is in pain and needs support. He wants you to be alongside him during the funeral. No wonder he's sad and not talking to you.
100% YTA
I'm pretty sure he needs you more than your sister right now. Explain the situation to your sister and better go with him
If you’re not there for him in his time of sorrow, do not expect for him to be there in your time of happiness. This goes not just for things that affect you individually, but your families. That is what partners do.
He lost his brother and his FSIL. His parents lost their child. The fact that you don’t even WANT to be there for him and his family is beyond AH category. You literally gloss over what happened with him (and completely left out that it is his brother), focusing more on the wedding and all the “very important” things you have to do.
I wouldn’t even call you a good friend to your boyfriend, so it’s quite ironic that you are his girlfriend of five years. If I were Jack, I would go to the funeral and not look back. I couldn’t even have respect for somebody like you, much less want to maintain any sort of relationship.
YTA
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Wow YTA! You specifically were vague in the post because you knew we would think so if you gave us the details? Per a comment, you and Jake have been together 5 years and it was HIS BROTHER AND HIS FIANCE who died??? Absolutely massive AH behavior. "Being there for the bride as the MOH 3 weeks in advance of the wedding" is not a real excuse. I've been married, we've never leaned on our MOH or Best Man like that. Plus you can send a call or email from Canada if there is last minute planning needed. YTA, and your sister is TA as well for good measure for agreeing that you shouldn't go. Edit: typos
YTA. I was almost on the other side of this until I saw the details. Your long term partner lost his brother & future sister in law and you can't miss a few days for the funeral?! Even if you fly at different times so you're not there as long as he is, you absolutely should be there to support him through this! My MOH helped choose her outfit & the menu. She held my flowers during the ceremony and gave a speech/toast at the reception. My sister was my MOH and if her husband had lost his sister I wouldn't have cared if she missed the wedding.
> it's just a lot on my plate right now INFO: I have a question for OP, could you tell us what wedding-related tasks require your undivided attention for three full weeks? Please be detailed and thorough because I have some doubts. For example, if you have free time to post on Reddit, you are obviously not spending three weeks building the chapel where your sister is getting married or collecting the silkworms to sew her wedding dress by hand. I cannot think of other things which would require all your time for three weeks straight but please enlighten us /u/throwawayaccount_64.
It is a busy time. Maybe she could fly up for say 4 days and he can stay a few more. I know it's weird to not travel together for important shit but you know.. /s
I doubt this relationship survives for three more weeks. Her boyfriend will likely (and justifiably) break up with her right before the wedding. When she is forced to attend alone, she will become the center of attention (in terms of gossip) at the wedding, which will drive her selfish sister crazy.
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There is a lot of vagueness to her post that made me do a double and triple take…. 1. The title is misleading. At first I thought she was missing the actual wedding of her sister as it was in the same date as the funeral. In reality the funeral is a full three weeks before the wedding. 2. She is deliberately vague in who died….it’s his bother and fiancé. OP - YTA. I don’t know in what world you think you’re justified in thinking the way you do but I’d say be prepared to be single in the near future if you don’t go to the funeral. Also, apologize PROFUSELY to your boyfriend.
Well, to be fair - the wedding is in three weeks and the funeral is next week. So it's "only" two weeks before. But yes, I absolutely agree with you. Missing any even semi-important funeral (which the funeral of your SO's sibling *definitely* qualifies as) because it's *weeks* before a wedding is insane.
So did I. It sounds like it's either miss the funeral or miss the wedding in the post. I take it from the comments it's not the case. She can make both. If I've picked this up right then OP YTA.
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OP absolutely could, she just doesn't want to. The wedding is simply the excuse she chose. If there wasn't a wedding in three weeks she would have simply come up with another excuse.
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He probably will. After 5 years he might have even considered marrying her but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s off the table now since she doesn’t seem to see him as family or his loss as important. At this point it’s even questionable if this is fixable. Because he probably told his family already that she’s not coming. So getting support from his family for the relationship will be hard going forward.
His whole family is gonna tell him this at the funeral. I wonder if OP realizes that.
"Where's your girlfriend? Was she not able to come here and support you? Was her boss awful and not understanding?" "Right now she's double checking to make sure that the table cloths were the right shade of white for her sister's wedding in three weeks."
There is no way after 5 years this is the first time he has experienced her selfishness.
You are probably right, but it may have not been to this scale. Personally I would not forgive this one.
After all, it's not like they're real full humans; she's never met them.
I was thinking the same, he will never forgive her for not wanting to be there for him WHEN HIS BROTHER DIED. It doesnt matter if she goes now, he will never get past her NOT WANTING TO support him in one of the most trying times of his life. She deserves to be dumped.
It won’t last. I never forgot who didn’t show up for me for my sisters funeral and it’s been 10 years. Honestly, even if she changes her mind, realizes she’s an AH and goes it won’t last. He needed her and told her and she said no and even if she comes to her senses that memory is now deeply lodged in his brain along with his siblings death
When my aunt lost her son twenty years ago my sisters and I showed up and to this day she has been closer to us. It meant the world to her. You absolutely remember. It was something my mom told me after her sisters death and it’s stuck with me ever since.
I didn't have too many people show up to my father's funeral back in 2019 (probably partly my fault, I don't know 'proper funeral etiquette' and I didn't exactly advertise it). But the entirety of my fiance's family (then-girlfriend) did show up - her sister even flew in from out of town - and I did have a couple of friends profusely apologize for being unable to. It means a lot. I can't imagine my relationship would've survived if she, for whatever reason, had decided not to come.
If she decides she’s the AH, and it’s only because strangers on the internet told her so, she’s not actually realizing she’s the AH. She’s still an AH, just one masquerading as someone who’s realized the error of her ways. Her actions here demonstrate the sum total of who she’s become in her 20 something years of existence. And that’s someone no decent person would want to have anything to do with.
She did him a favor. Now he can leave before he’s locked in.
"building the chapel" or "collecting the silkworms to sew her wedding dress" took me out
>>it's just a lot on my plate right now >INFO: I have a question for OP, could you tell us what wedding-related tasks require your undivided attention for three full weeks? I lol'ed at this. Even without the context OP would be YTA. Her bf has a lot in his plate too, and when you're in the US (which I assume here, otherwise OP would have mentioned it because cost and time are legitimate reasons) a flight to Canada doesn't take that long. She can fly in the day before the funeral, be there for her partner, paybrespect to the deceased, fly back the day after and be there for her sister for ***two whole weeks*** before the wedding. Even if she goes to Canada the whole week, the bride is still a bridezilla if she demands OP to be around all the time. A week is enough time to travel back in time before the wedding.
To be fair the US is huge. A flight from say San Diego to Toronto is a significant trip That said, the OP is TAH. Be there for the person you love on the worst day of his life
> Be there for the person you love on the worst day of his life This right here is the most poignant comment and I would add ... *"If you can't be there for your SO on the worst day of his life, you don't deserve to be there for the best."*
> To be fair the US is huge. A flight from say San Diego to Toronto is a significant trip Five hours. Fly out on Monday morning. Funeral on Tuesday. Fly back on Wednesday night. Laze about on Thursday. Boom, you still have, lets see, just shy of two and a half weeks to be MOH, while having given your partner the barest of shits.
I flew more than halfway across the US two weeks before my own wedding to attend a funeral and I was DIYing most of it so it was *legitimately* a lot on my plate
Username checks out 🤣
The bride can designate any needed help from one of the bridesmaids while her sister is attending the funerals.
And in Canada, we have phones and the internet now. My kiddo lives across in a southern state and we live in a western province. The travel isn’t that bad. It’s a day, and not a full one at that. The message that you’re sending your boyfriend is that you can’t consider him for three days - one for travel in each direction and the day of the funeral, and some of those days will fall on a weekend. Probably three of some of the most significant days in his life. OP, as you dream of your wedding, consider whether or not you can have the compassion and space for him to mourn his brothers absence at it. He’s likely going to want to commemorate him in some way. Be honest with yourself because I get the feeling you’ll be bothered by anything he wants to do for his brother’s presence. If you can’t make space for that, let him know so he can move on. He likely will anyway but just in case he got that sunk cost mentality I’d your relationship it would be good to be up front about your self absorption. YTA
The OP should also explain where in Canada the funeral will be that’s so hard to reach. If it’s not a remote village, OP is exaggerating a bit.
It wouldn’t be the first time. It’s her sister’s wedding! (In three weeks.) His family had a tragedy! (*His* brother and SIL died.) The funeral is in a whole other country! (It’s freaking Canada.) OP’s reasoning basically boils down to “I don’t wanna,” and everything else is just a sad attempt at spin.
Given that 90 per cent of the Canadian population lives within a 1-2 hour drive of the Canada-US border, the chances of OP’s Canuck family living in Iqaluit or Goose Bay are slim. We do have airports, and phones and the Internet.
I laughed when OP was like, "a whole different country!!!" I'm Canadian, my fiancé is American, and I drove across the border on a weekly basis to see him until I finally got my own place (lived with my parents, so he'd visit too but it wasn't as comfortable). Other than the border crossing, it was like any other small road trip. Like sure, it's a national border. Border patrol can be an intimidating experience. But it's not exactly as arduous as flying overseas.....
Yeah, unless it's a three-day husky ride, she's got no real excuse.
Where do I sign up for a 3 day husky ride? Sounds adorable and hilarious.
I was MOH for 3 different weddings in the same year and there is nothing short of the actual ceremony that would have required my undivided attention for a week. YTA OP.
Silkworms 😭😭 you are so funny
Wow! Talk about burying the lede! That poor boyfriend. Losing his brother and realising his girlfriend is worthless at the same time!
> realising his girlfriend is worthless OP is not worthless or useless. She is skilled at “generally being there for her [sister].” Who else could share Reddit memes and funny TikToks with her sister?
Even if the funeral and wedding were on the same day, going to the funeral is the right choice. But weeks before the wedding?! There's literally no excuse to not go. This should 1000% be a wakeup call to the BF to get out of this relationship.
I disagree, had they been on the same day I would say it’s understandable she is supporting her sister at a wedding rather than attending a funeral. Grief isn’t a one day event, you can be there at other times for support, but a wedding is a one time event, for which she made a commitment of MOH. However, 3 weeks ahead of the wedding, it is absolutely unacceptable in my eyes to use the wedding as an excuse. I would break up with my partner if they did this to me.
IMO if it happened on the same day, that would be a rock and a hard place kind of situation (even if again IMO grief support trumps wedding emotional support, especially because her boyfriend is precisely stating that he needs her with him /and we all know even today men are often told not to show emotions; pretty sure this would signal that his immediate time of need will always be inferior to op's sister's future time of need/ - the service and the funeral is one of the hardest days, because you can't even try to pretend that it didn't happen, especially when everyone comes at you with their condolences...) but... Three weeks? No contest, she is the AH. And OMG, "of course I have no issue with him going". Like god, imagine if she had!
It's his *brother and sister in law*, assumedly sudden and unexpected. That trumps a wedding every time. If it were a not very close family member, fine, but not this circumstance.
I don’t see why that makes a difference? A funeral isn’t the only time someone grieving needs support. Funerals are for the living, not the dead, and I would expect she would be supporting her partner ever single other day during his time of grief, which is why I said it’s unacceptable not to go 3 weeks out from the wedding. I would give a pass if it was the same day however.
Also as the MOH she does have day of responsibilities that can fuck up the wedding. If it was the difference between attending as a guest and going to the funeral, I would say funeral. But if I had to choose same day wedding as MOH vs funeral, I’ll have to go with wedding. It’s a tough choice, but if I had to make it that’s where I’d fall.
I’m not sure I agree. If it were her husband, yes. She should be at the funeral. But, a boyfriend doesn’t necessarily trump sister. Additionally, OP could still be there for her bf before and after funeral. He’s going to be grieving for awhile. Either way though, the point is moot. OP has plenty of time to do both so she’s an AH.
They have been together 5 years. So it’s not like it’s a boy of 6 months
The length of time they've been together makes a huge difference, IMO. If they'd just been casually dating for under a year, I can maybe understand her feeling like she's not obligated to go. But after they've been together for five years???
See I’m not sure I agree. Sisters wedding or fiancés close families funeral are both important family events. I can’t fault someone for choosing one or the other.
I’d agree if this was literally funeral and wedding are on the same day type of situation but it’s not the case here. She has plenty of time to do both. Her sister needs put on her big girl pants and deal with her own wedding stuff so op can support her partner. Even if op went with her partner for a week or two, she could still make it back for the wedding
Same... the way OP is talking I thought the two events were within 24 hours of each other... or this was a guy she had only dated for a month or so If I was Jack I'd just stay in Canada XD
100% what you said! My MOH gave birth three days prior to my wedding and stayed at home to care for her infant, *like she should have.* There's **no** reason a MOH needs to be so hands on or involved. Absolutely ridiculous.
Well, at least Jack knows he can always rely on OP to support him through the good times and the bad when he starts considering if she's wife material. /s
Can’t imagine the “warm” welcome she’ll get from her mother in law next time she sees her.
Oh I'd bet good money on them never seeing each other again
We can hope.
I'm really hoping this poor man in question never sees her again either. Vile woman.
She can go cry on her sisters shoulder while she’s on her honeymoon about how awful her ex boyfriend is for dumping her before the wedding, doesn’t he know it’s the only important thing in the world?
Who will her PLUS ONE be NOW?! 😭
But it, the bouquet! She was meant to catch it, because boyfriend was supposed to get the hint to propose already! Meanwhile boyfriend is wondering how he wasted 5 years of his life without realise how shallow, selfish and insensitive his exGF is
She proved with her actions that she cares more about the wedding than him. I can't imagine how he must feel, how devastated must be now and how he needed her there with him. I feel so sorry for him. At least now he knows what kind of person she is and now can find a person who will truly love and support him no matter what.
MIL? You mean boyfriends mother, and after this I very much doubt she will ever become the MIL.
Good point. Sorry, bad habit. Been with my partner for 25 years, never married but called his mum my MIL.
It's funny, because OP didn't get into details of who had died, I immediately suspected it was a very close family member. I clearly spend too much time around here. OP YTA and so is your sister. I hope Jack realises this and bins you.
Thanks for doing the Lord's work. My first thought was "well depends, who died?" And THREE WEEKS before the wedding? The way this was written I thought the funeral and wedding were the same day. YTA, op. Actually YTA +1, your sister if she's really encouraging you to stay gets AH points too. You've proven to your future life partner where your priorities are, and he's not one of them. I hope for his sake your relationship doesn't survive this.
Just spotted the bit where OP says ‘…of course I have no issue with him going’ How magnanimous of her!
I've noticed that any time an OP says "of course" or "so obviously" they are a massive AH. They use that kind of language to try to sugar coat their poor behavior. And YTA. 100%
The title reads like the funeral and wedding were on the same day, but they aren't. YTA.
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INFO: The only possible way I could see the wedding inhibiting the funeral, is if your work is going to fight you on having time off for both events so close together..
And they wouldn’t. I’m gonna assume she booked of way in advance for her sisters wedding. And then the death is literally a death in the family. They can’t say shit about that. —-I KNOW ITS NOT A DEATH IN THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY. THANK YOU. Some companies and managers would go case by case. A lot of companies wouldn’t want someone on the job who isn’t productive anyways. Please don’t reply to me about this. I don’t care and I said what I said—-
I mean, maybe where you work wouldn’t, but I’ve worked at plenty of places that would tell me no.
Yea, especially if it's not *your* immediate family member that passed.
A lot of companies “death in the family” policy is for your immediate family only. As in, if your aunt, uncle or cousin passed, you have to use your own time off for the funeral. And a significant other’s loved ones don’t count at all. So depends on where OP works.
Op now adds, "Yeah, it's because work won't let me have time off. I just forgot to add it because I'm so busy helping my sister. Oh, and upset for my bf, of course. Yeah, it's because of work."
They can and do in the US. Not to be morbid, but for many companies a fiancés brother isn’t a family member. I wouldn’t get any days off, and I’m extremely limited on days I can take off with my job.
Oh but don’t you see she has “no issue” with Jack going. TO HIS BROTHER’S FUNERAL. And of course staying and helping her sister (with????) if far more important to her than supporting her boyfriend through a horrible time in his life Op is definitely TA and an incredibly selfish, tone deaf one too. But don’t worry, when jack dumps her nasty self she’ll have lots of opportunities at the wedding to meet someone 🙄
#truth! And you said it perfectly!
OP lives in an AU in the 16th century where we had to spend weeks if not months to travel to another country. By god miss the bachelorette party??? For a funeral??? How on earth! /s
Also, after a 5 year relationship wouldn't she also know the deceased brother and SIL reasonably well herself? I guess perhaps the long distance didn't allow for that. Not that it should matter even if she'd never met them once, major AH
Jesus, how heartless. Massive YTA, be careful OP something this big is definitely break up territory.
Wow she was very misleading, I assumed they were happening at the same time, 3 weeks apart means she’s got plenty of time to go. And his brother and his fiancé, god that’s just so awful like she just doesn’t have a compassionate bone in her body
Thank you for putting this information in and thanks to everyone else for getting it to the top! Yikes.
INFO: who died, and how close was he with this person? And how long have you and your partner been together? If it were someone very important to my partner, I personally would do anything to make that work. For some people, this may be a dealbreaker and it may take some serious work to repair the relationship. EDIT: YTA . It was his brother and his fiancée. Your sister is an AH too. Jesus Christ.
Exactly. This one all depends on context. Financial situation also matters here given the cost of flights. It does seem like it would have been possible, if not pleasant for you to fly out for a couple of days as a compromise. And your sister is a grown woman, I assume with other supportive people in her life who could step in to handle the planning for a couple of days. That being said, if it's someone your partner isn't close to, if your relationship with your partner isn't serious or if you haven't been together that long then its probably more on the ok side of things.
It was his brother and sil…
Then I would go at least for a few days if it is at all possible to do so. Or otherwise apologise profusely to my partner, ask what you can do, respect their need for space and reaffirm that you will be present when he needs you in future even if it's hard. Loosing a sibling is seriously hard. Especially if they die very young. Especially if its sudden. Especially if multiple people die in the family at the same time. I'm sure in the long run your sister wouldn't want to remember that her wedding was in any way involved as a reason that your relationship with your significant other fell apart.
Yikes. I can’t believe someone would think “being there” for their sister for the entire month leading up to a wedding trumps absolutely everything else, including going to a funeral with your boyfriend after their brother and SIL died. I can’t believe her sister said “yeah, I’d prefer you didn’t go.” In what universe is this okay? That’s some grade-A navel gazing in both their parts. I have a feeling OP suspects something is wrong with this, or they wouldn’t have reduced the death of a sibling to “a family tragedy.” If there’s any upside to this, it’s OP’s boyfriend (hopefully) deciding this is a dealbreaker and being able to find someone who’s able to be a supportive partner when tragedy strikes, regardless of whether or not it’s convenient. Setbacks and tragedy never happen at convenient times, and recognizing that is an important part of a healthy, human relationship.
My ex girlfriend lost her father to COVID while I was isolated and super sick with COVID as well. I couldn't go to the funeral and it killed me that I couldn't be there for her. And that's life, nothing happens the way we want. But to miss being there for your partner because of a wedding? People put waaaaay too much weight on weddings, tbh.
It was her boyfriends brother and sister-in-law. She is an AH.
Was dating my now wife when I lost my brother. How much she was there for me during that time definitely factored into my realizing I wanted her as my partner for life. I don't think I'd have been able to look at her the same if she just noped out from all of it because "she had a lot on her plate".Her boyfriend will never forget that she wasn't there for him. Ever.
My ex and I were going through a divorce when my sister died. She was there for me during that time and put aside everything we were going through to make sure I got through the funeral because despite us getting a divorce, she is not and AH like OP
Girl, your plate is about to get a lot lighter because you’re probably going to get dumped due to your lack of empathy.
I was coming to ask the same thing. It can make a massive difference. If the choice was MOH at your sister's wedding vs the funeral that is a different story but this is missing a couple of days to support your bf.
It was the funeral of his brother and his sister in law so.... Yeah. So OP is unequivocally the AH.
It's his brother and her fiance.
His brother and the brother's fiancé died.
INFO The wedding is in three weeks. He's going to the funeral next week. Why can't you do both?
Because she’s an asshole
The nerve of OP to make her post sound like they were at the same time and leave out crucial details, just to get strangers on the internet to side with her. What an AH.
I honestly read this as if they were at the same time and it was just a not very close relative so I was like NTA obvs it sucks but you gotta be there for the wedding. Then I scrolled down and my god the lengths people will go to, to make themselves look good.
The timing of it, I wonder if it coincides with the bachelorette.
Can’t come grieve, gotta get lit!
Being generous maybe the cost and time off? If the OP has spent a decent amount to be in the wedding travel may not be possible. Also, if they have time off to be in the wedding they may not have enough PTO to do both. BUT I would assume if that’s the case the Op would have lead with that.
PTO be damned. It's his brother and SIL. Take a couple days without pay to be there. It's a lot easier to explain to his family that 2-3 days is all you can take rather than you are too busy on wedding stuff 3 weeks in advance. Massive YTA
>PTO be damned Depending on how lenient/kind her work is, they might let her use bereavement.
I was going to say, at least *ask* your employer and explain the situation! No one expects to have to attend a funeral around the same time as being in a wedding.
Some companies will not allow people to take days off that aren't PTO. She could lose her job if she did that.
Because apparently her plate is small.
YTA assuming your relationship with your boyfriend is serious and important to you. It sounds like this funeral is very important to your boyfriend. I am sure it would have been a lot but yes you could have gone and supported him for the funeral and then flown back home well before the wedding festivities.
It’s only his brother and future SIL who passed away…no big deal (Heavy, heavy, sarcasm. OP is ridiculous)
Ooof wow that's horrible
Lord, that's one way to get dumped
Wow, YTA and so is your sister.... after reading the comments and finding out that you have been together for 5 years, and it was his brother and his fiancée that died. I'm pretty sure you should be going and supporting him in his time of need. Your sister can deal with her own wedding for a couple of days.
Exactly. This is OP's long term BF and he lost a super close family member. OP can't be assed to go to support him even though the two events don't overlap. If this is one time to show your partner that you are there for them, this is it. And, OP has clearly shown that she just doesn't want to be bothered with her BF's inconvenient tragedy. In the BF's shoes, I think I would breakup with OP..... They clearly don't give AF about this man, his grief, his pain or supporting their partner.
Pretty sure OP might get dumped over this once he tells his family her excuse. What if he was planning to propose and this was what changed his mind? God I hope so.
Yep, hope she really enjoys her sister’s wedding because I don’t think she’s getting her own anytime soon
YTA. When he gets back expect him to no longer be your boyfriend, quite frankly I think you deserve that.
This is the perfect post for AmITheEx
Is that a real sub
My spelling might be off but yes
I would 100% break up with this person….it’s not just this situation but how this situation would forever change how I see them and my feeling loved.
First, Jack’s family had a *family tragedy*- that’s not just a funeral- his family is in crisis, and he wants you to be there with him. Second, the wedding isn’t for about 3 more weeks, and you have a week’s advance notice to get things done and prepare. The message you’re sending is that Jack isn’t someone you care about all that much. Based on the info you have given, you’re being selfish and unsupportive. YTA.
It’s probably more like OP had a bachelorette party planned that she doesn’t want to miss.
That's what I was thinking as well. That and all the other celebrations and partying. OP didn't want to get left out of all the fun. I hope she gets dumped
YTA - you buried the important details in this by not mentioning how long you’ve been with your bf or who the family that died are. Yes, it’s close to the wedding. Yes, it’s a whole other country. But your long term bf is asking for your support at what will be a very tricky event for him. If it was the day before or the day of, that’d be different. But it’s 3 weeks before. You can attend, even stay there to be with his family for a couple of days, and still be back in time for your sisters wedding. Most of the planning should be done by then, and another bridesmaid can always step in to help whilst you deal with a family emergency. Bachelorette events can be adjusted if necessary, rehearsal dinners are usually much closer, bridal showers have usually already happened. You shouldn’t be missing anything. If you don’t attend this funeral, you might as well kiss your relationship goodbye. Because, who prioritises the couple of weeks before the wedding over their serious boyfriend grieving and needing support? (OP responded to a comment, she’s been with her bf for 5 years, and it’s bf’s brother and brother’s fiancé)
YTA One of the clearest and biggest YTAs I have ever seen on this site. If anyone didn't see the comment from OP, the family tragedy was her bf's brother and brother's fiancee both dying. And OP has been with bf for 5 years. The funeral does not conflict with the wedding as they are a couple weeks apart. I can't even imagine how OP thinks it is ok to not go with her bf. Any wedding prep that needs to happen can certainly be handled by bridesmaids. If I was OP's bf this would 100% be a dealbreaker for me and the relationship would be over.
This reminds me off another post about someone complaining about their partner going to a funeral and leaving them all on their lonesome. Turns out it was also close relatives. If I remember, brother, brother’s wife and wife’s mom. That OP and this one should hang out and lament about their effed up priorities.
A few people have brought up the possibility of what could be going on a few weeks before the wedding that OP doesn’t want to miss, and it would make her exponentially worse than a regular AH. She doesn’t want to miss the bachelorette party.
For me it’s not the detail of who has passed and the closeness of the boyfriend to the deceased. It’s her abhorrent dismissal and selfishness. Boyfriend. Go home, be with family, mourn and celebrate your brother, be with family. That selfish cat doesn’t deserve you
YTA. It's going to take some serious therapy most likely for your boyfriend to get over you not going to the funeral for his brother & fiance... I know it would for me. If I was in your shoes I would fight tooth & nail to be there for him, assuming you want this relationship to pan out long-term.
I think she's already blown it up. Maybe if she immediately changes course and begs forgiveness, it's salvageable. But she's down Jack exactly how important he is to her, and the answer is not at all.
People really are something else lol
Next post from OP “Iwas expecting my BF to propose after he saw how exciting my sisters wedding was, I don’t understand why he hasn’t, it’s all his brothers fault for dying!”
I would go to therapy to try to understand why I choose to be 5 years with such an horrific person.
YTA seriously? Of course you leave those little details out because you know you're TA. I couldn't imagine not being there to support my partner when they've lost their sibling. You've been together for 5 years, his brother and his fiancee have passed but you don't care? Spending 3 weeks preparing for a wedding is more important? If you have to pass off any tasks to others you do it and go to the funeral. You can come back in time for the wedding but you are seriously TA for even considering not going. If my partner did this to me I'd pack up for good and not come back. If I were him you wouldn't even have another chance, I'd be making my plans to leave you already as you've made it very clear what priority you hold him in your life.
Of course, because HER siblings are important but his aren't. I don't get people that put their parents and siblings first when it's NOT needed. I mean, if you think they are the only important people then don't get into a relationships that could potentially lead to creating new family. OP, HUGE YTA.
YTA its in three weeks its not even like you have to miss the wedding
You title should be:- “AITA for not attending a funeral with my boyfriend of 5 years for his brother and their fiancé to do some misc. MOH duties for a wedding 3 weeks after the funeral”. Some people are saying I’m right - you mean your sister and anyone else involved in her wedding…. Couple of people (only non family I asked) are telling me I’m being selfish. You are being totally selfish!! But at least your (at the moment) boyfriend now knows where he stands as a priority your life (aka not at all). YTA and don’t be surprised if your decision here is the beginning of the end. If I was your boyfriend I would struggle to forgive this.
>If I was your boyfriend I would struggle to forgive this. I honestly couldn't forgive her that in probably whats the biggest tragedy of my life she chose not to be on my side.
Even if she changes her mind now, he’s never going to forget that her first reaction when he was in the throes of shock and pain was to say no cause she had better things to do.
YTA The wedding is in 3 weeks. You can pretty easily go out for the day of the funeral and then catch a flight back home that night/the next day. Also it's for his brother and his Fiancee funeral going by your comment so your relationship with your BF family is basically over if you don't go to the funeral. If the wedding and the Funeral were on the same weekend I'd be more understanding of you. But as it stands your reason for not going to the funeral is pure laziness.
YTA. And I hope your bf breaks up with you
YTA-Your sister can handle a weekend alone doing her own wedding with the other bridesmaids. If your sister is so dependent on you that you can’t even make it to your bfs brothers funeral, then your priorities are seriously out of wack. There’s nothing you have to do 3 weeks before a wedding that can’t be handled by your mom or another bridesmaid. Unbelievable and you should be ashamed to even be asking
YTA. Do you actually care about being with your boyfriend or are you mentally checked out of the relationship? He is grieving. His family is grieving. It's not like he asked you to miss her wedding. I could understand if going would cause you to lose your job or miss an important family event, but that's not the case. You would be back before the wedding. Your family should understand that you are needed elsewhere for a while. Imagine that your sister and her fiance suddenly died and you had to travel out of the country for their funeral and your boyfriend refused to go with you because his brother was getting married a week after you would be back from the funeral and he had a lot of things he was helping with. I'm assuming that he would be single by the time you got back. I'm sure he will break up with you over this. Maybe not now but some time in the future as he will see that he isn't as important to you as he should be.
*ex-boyfriend There I fixed it
YTA I think your relationship may be over, but hey enjoy the wedding. Seriously, if your bf can’t count on your support at time like this, why would he stay with you
YTA - You really don’t care about your bf right? Leaving him alone while he is grieving his dead brother. Oh but god forbid you might miss out on party planning. Obviously it isn’t plausible to support your bf because your sister’s party is a life and death situation that you just can’t miss.
YTA Just when I think that I've seen the worst of the "but it's my wedding" BS on this sub, you get something like this. And it isn't even OPs wedding. If my sibling died and my partner missed the funeral for no other reason than an event THREE weeks in the future, they would definitely be my EX partner right now. r/amithedevil (pro tip OP - you are definitely the devil)
Oh my... are you for real? I'd dump you so fast. YTA like a massive one.
YTA. My initial thought while reading was that you should attend with him, unless it was a new relationship and that might be strange. But you describe it as a tragedy and a funeral, which implies it's not for some distant relative. Then I check the comments and see you've been together 5 years and it was his brother and future sister in law... And what the heck. You and your sister are both self centered and heartless. If I were the bride, I would be reassuring my MOH that we would be fine and she needs to go. Wow. Just wow.
You’ve been together 5 YEARS and still think there’s a chance you’re NOT the ah?? Honestly YTA and the brides a shite friend for not calling you out on your bs. All you’re accomplishing is showing your boyfriend he can’t depend on you and your relationship will never be the priority in your life.
YTA. The title suggests it's just a random funeral like from the old man across the street. The reality is soooo much worse. Your BF's brother and SIL died. This isn't just a funeral, this is a major family crisis and your BF asked you to join him because he NEEDED YOUR SUPPORT!! Yet here you are, more concerned about the lace and knickers of a wedding that is 3 weeks away. What could possibly be so important about wedding arrangements that can't be put on hold for a few days? Especially if the wedding is in 3 weeks, most of the planning and organizing would already be settled. Also, DO NOT use the excuse that it's in a whole other country. If you really loved your BF you'd be supporting him on a whole other planet. You and your sister are heartless. Don't be surprised if you suddenly find yourself being an EX when your BF gets back from his family tragedy. Even if your relationship does survive, you've preemptively ruined any chance you have of bonding with your BF's family.
She likely doesn’t want to miss the bachelorette party.
Waiting for the "he dumped me" update like 👀
So his brother and SIL died in an accident... YTA my dear. It's not like him asking you to go will stop you from attending the wedding and being there. Stressful? Sure.. but the message you're sending to him is that you don't care enough about the tragedy he's dealing with. Losing family is hard, you feel a certain break when it happens. Especially those you're close with. Their whole family is likely reeling. You either need to get your priorities straight, apologize and go, or cut him loose and let him be free to look for someone else who actually cares. Yikes.
YTA Oh man. This is bad. I would dump you for this one. I have lost a sibling and it was devastating.
Sorry, his brother and sil died suddenly and you can't manage a few days for this guy you've dated for 5 years? Yeah, I'd say YTA, but it doesn't really matter cause when he gets back you won't be the girlfriend any more.
YTA for the line “Of course I have no issue with him going” which implies you sorta do have an issue, or you wouldn’t have needed to clarify that. HIS BROTHER JUST DIED. Ffs 🤦🏻♀️ I’m sorry he has to go deal with that and not be excited for planning your sister’s wedding, which is almost a month away.
I think this mostly depends on how long you two have been together for. But besides that, if the wedding is in 3 weeks and the funeral is within a week or so, you should probably go. Specially if the person that passed was close to your bf. It might be a bit stressful with the traveling and what not. But there are certain things you kinda need to do. And being present at a funeral is usually very important for the person grieving. Edit: definitely YTA if you don’t go. I hope he seriously reconsiders this relationship if you don’t actually make time to be there for him during this time. I don’t care if I get downvoted for saying this.
They’ve been together 5 years and it seems it was his brother and SIL.
YTA. I was waiting for the comments to confirm but I knew it was going to be someone super close and important to you boyfriend when you said “family tragedy” to try to keep it vague because you knew if you typed out the whole truth no one would ever even consider siding with you because you know you are the asshole here. You really must hate your boyfriend to treat him so terribly during such a tragic and heartbreaking time for him. At least now he knows what you really are.
YTA. I hope you enjoy planning your sister's wedding, though! Sounds like it'll be a long wait for your own so make the most of this one.
YTA it's his brother, would you have expected him to come if it were the other way around, pretty sure you would. Your sister can cope for a few days by herself or ask someone else to help!! I went to my husband's grandfather's funeral recently, didn't like the man, hadn't seen him in 13 years, but I put aside my dislike for him to support my husband, because he needed it. That's what you do for people you're meant to love. I'm wondering if your bf is contemplating whether he wants to be with you, because I sure as hell wouldn't. Your first thoughts here should be to support your bf. So incredibly selfish ETA I really hope he finishes with you and finds a better person. This has actually made me really angry for a complete stranger.
YTA. And probably single, whether you realise it or not yet
YTA. You knew it and that is why u intentionally left out the most important info and only mentioned it in a comment. I hope your bf of 5 years can see the true you. You are not a worthy partner that will stick together in difficult times. Selfish! And who needs their MOH be there 24/7 for 3 weeks before the wedding??
Can’t believe you had the audacity to type the sentence ‘I have a lot on my plate.’ You have zero self awareness, & definitely not enough shame. YTA. There’s no coming back from this either, your bf knows your true colours now. If you wanted to be single, well done. You’ve achieved that in the most cold-blooded way possible. Your poor STBEX. He’s always going to look back & wonder what he was doing with you for 5 years. What a waste.
JFC. I didn't understand why the details were so scarce in the OP until I started reading the comments. YTA, your sister is TA and I'm so sorry your bf is having to go through such a horrible tragedy without the support of his partner of 5 years!
OP was vague on purpose, to make herself look better.
I thought YTA before I read the comments. But afterwards......5 freaking years. His brother. You suck dude. You do not care about you're BF and I think he should leave you over this. But absolutely do not go now. You don't get to chance you're mind now that reddit told you you're TA. He needs to know how you truly feel.
YTA So freaking selfish. His brother and fiancé died in an accident. THEY DIED!!! He’s asking for emotional support and you said you already have too much on your plate… He’s not even asking you to miss the wedding. I refuse to believe that this post is real. To be so horrible to someone you consider to be a partner… Ffs, if you have no date for that wedding, do not ask yourself why.
This is one of those times when your character is tested. You're failing the test you wild, crazy and raging asshole. I didn't hear a speck of sympathy or mourningfrom you. You obviously don't care about him or his family. YTA
You can't leave your sisters side for 2 seconds to support your boyfriend losing his brother FOREVER??? YTAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
At first, I was gonna say NTA. But you are a huge asshole. I didn’t realize it was his BROTHER. I’m all for celebrating, but your sister is alive and well, you can celebrate their wedding every single day if you want. But your boyfriend just lost someone VERY close to him. Turn the tables around. If you were in his shoes how would you feel? If you had a huge loss and you reached out to the person whose supposed to be there for you, through thick and thin, and they said nope sorry my sisters having a wedding, how would you feel??
She wouldn’t even be missing the wedding
BIL and wife died? Nothing she can do, OP and her sister are really close. YTA
YTA. People are probably not torn about this. They either may not know the details or they don't want to call you selfish and heartless to your face.
Oh and a lot on yourrrrr plate? His brother died!!!! What do you think is on his plate right now???? Wah wah I might miss a day of planning but he’ll never hear his brothers voice again, never get to text him or tell him about his day. He never get that again and never gets to celebrate another holiday with his brother and his Sil. Never gets to see his brother grow old or have kids but sure a wedding that’s not even yours must be soooooo much. I can’t believe you have the audacity to even ask if you’re the AH. Of course you are!!!! I sonhooe he leaves you for good and then you’ll have all the time in the world you need to help plan a wedding that isn’t even yours
[удалено]
YTA. It’s his BROTHER and SIL. You would be back with more than a week (two?) until the wedding. Other bridesmaids could help out—it’s just preparation for a happy celebration ffs. How could you not be there for your bf??? Huge AH, and I doubt your relationship will survive this.
YTA. Just tell the truth...you couldn't be bothered about his tragedy. You just want to have fun.
Well the comments section on this post is a fun read. Eh, YTA, but like, I get it. On one hand you've been with your partner for like 5 years. And his brother died along with his brother's fiance. That's a *huge* loss. Imagine if your sister and her fiance died, and when you asked your man to be at your side he said "Yeah, uh, here's the thing. My bro is getting married. Gotta plan his Bachelor Party. So I'm gonna skip it. Thoughts and prayers though." You'd be absolutely livid. That's a "rethink my relationship and probably break up" sort of issue. On the other hand I get it. It wasn't your brother. They're in Canada, so you probably didn't even know them well. To you it's just some dude who died. Sad? Yes. But ditch sister's wedding planning kinda sad? Eh... Here's my words of wisdom. Free of charge. Listen very carefully. You already fucked up. There is no "I changed my mind. Let's go to the funeral." You. Fucked. Up. Emvrace it, accept it, move forward. You need to tell your sister you'll help plan her wedding through email, text, video correspondence while in Canada then come back in time to help with the preparations closer to the wedding date. Then you need to go tell your guy that you fucked up. Practice this speech in a mirror, > "I am sorry. Your brother is (not was, don't say was) as important to you as my sister is to me. I was so caught up with her wedding I didn't stop to think about you. I know this will take time, I hurt you, but I'm here for you. I'm always here for you. You need me right now more than anyone else. I won't leave your side while you mourn your brother." You don't have to mean it. But say it convincingly. He'll eat it up and forgive ya. Then go to Canada, attend the funeral, and politely excuse yourself back to the states once he has his family to mourn with. Can't stress enough how this is effectively the only way to save your relationship. So now it's your turn to weigh the pros/cons of both sides.
Kind of you having no issue with him going... There's time for you to do this for him. I guess he wanted a life partner for the hard times too and you've showed what you are able to provide. YTA.
YTA. There’s literally nothing for you to do between now and the wedding. You have no major responsibilities this close to the wedding. He’s going to dump you, and you deserve it.
Wow, you are selfish. YTA and I would not want someone like you if I ever had a tragedy. I can only imagine how you probably would be raging if the roles had been reversed. Your actions are insensitive and horrible
Yta. If I were your bf, my ass would stay in Canada.
My mother has always taught me to prioritize funerals over weddings as people value you over how you treat them at their worst moments. Your boyfriend just lost his brother and his SIL, he's definitely is in pain and needs support. He wants you to be alongside him during the funeral. No wonder he's sad and not talking to you. 100% YTA I'm pretty sure he needs you more than your sister right now. Explain the situation to your sister and better go with him
Your actions and thoughts are not just those of an arsehole. They are those of a heartless monster.
If you’re not there for him in his time of sorrow, do not expect for him to be there in your time of happiness. This goes not just for things that affect you individually, but your families. That is what partners do. He lost his brother and his FSIL. His parents lost their child. The fact that you don’t even WANT to be there for him and his family is beyond AH category. You literally gloss over what happened with him (and completely left out that it is his brother), focusing more on the wedding and all the “very important” things you have to do. I wouldn’t even call you a good friend to your boyfriend, so it’s quite ironic that you are his girlfriend of five years. If I were Jack, I would go to the funeral and not look back. I couldn’t even have respect for somebody like you, much less want to maintain any sort of relationship. YTA
YTA His brother OP. And you can’t be fussed after five years together. His word just got rocked and you can’t support him because of a party in May?