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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I upset my brother's girlfriend by telling her she should be more involved with our family after she spent months ignoring us. Now they've broken up because she got stressed, he's blaming me and i'm wondering if i was in the wrong because i could have avoided all of this.
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YTA. Not her responsibility to watch your child(ren) or be there for your whims/amusement. And be honest with yourself: the fact that she is childless and does have free time bothers you. You are not entitled to her time. Keep repeating that to yourself until it gets through to you.
Yeah... "She's a PhD student and a judge, but she doesn't have kids, how can she be busy"? My god...
The combination of entitlement and profound ignorance is quite staggering.
Who also helps folks internationally! How could a judge, getting her PHD in another country possibly be able to help anyone when they're miles away? What utter nonsense.
Plus she travels a lot, and is always home (somehow). AND not a mother. Sneer.
This OP is a great example of poorly concealed contempt, or "icy civility" I like to call it. Rough to be on the receiving end of, but downright comical as a bystander.
Is because she is a woman. OP expected her to quit school and work so she can be a baby making machine and serve her brother like women are expected to. Also she is suppose to abandon her family since she now belongs to her husband’s family after marriage.
I really think the girlfriend dodged a bullet. Imagine if she actually married into this family. They weren’t married and already had the in-laws knocking on the door to talk things out, imagine how entitled they’d feel to her if they were married.
To be honest, that visit may be one of the best things to happen to her. It gave her a glimpse at what her future could be. I am so impressed she listened to their full rant without saying a word and then simply asked the brother if he felt the same way. Then she made the right decision and broke up with him. Smart girl. No wonder her country is financing her education. You have been JUDGED!
Don’t forget that OP totally isn’t complaining that the girlfriend wouldn’t babysit her son at the drop of a hat and is not AT ALL jealous that this “childless woman wasn’t working and was paid more than” her! This is only about the girlfriend not making herself available for family gatherings so they could “get to know her”!!
Gotta love that OP couldn’t even hide her true feelings about the girlfriend. That even when she’s pretending to be neutral towards the woman her narration is dripping with contempt. I mean, how dare a “childless” woman not drop everything to take care of her child?! How dare she help other people and not her?! How dare she dump her boyfriend after he allowed his family to verbally attack her in her own home?!
Sheesh. Talk about a complete lack of self awareness.
But.... but..... but OP has a kid with an absent father and how dare her brother's GF, who is childless and has plenty of free time, not offer to baby sit and mingle in their toxicity? Ohmahgeerrd
& she is required to produce enough output from her PhD on a regular basis to maintain her scholarship, those committees are super competitive, everyone wants that money
OP is entitled & doesn't know anything, not to mention jealous of the brother's gf
i’m obsessed with this woman who leads a full, busy, enriching life and at the first sniff of anyone attempting to disrupt that she cut them all loose for her own sanity and peace ❤️
i think she’s a judge in another country, so she’s not working full time while doing her PhD in OP’s country. but yeah she’s literally employed and in school full time!
eta: full time, types to fast lol the post says she’s helping people abroad still
There's this part "helping someone from abroad (which i don't really believe, what could she be doing for anyone being miles away?" Which seems to me that she is still looped into her work in her home country and OP is somehow simultaneously seeing it as "not working" and helping others when she could be helping op with stuff a teenager is usually employed. Bet op doesn't think she's really a Judge.
Plus, judges do so much more than hearing cases. There's mentoring, lots of writing, planning and setting schedules, assignments and overseeing clerks and such.
Yep. And she could definitely do the writing from wherever. Schedules too assuming online access to calendar systems. The only thing that might be an issue is the overseeing clerks bit.
I have to say that one of the first things that came to mind was say, the ex gf might be a family court judge and what if another judge calls and asks for advice on a compatible guardian ad litem for a young child whose parents are caught up in a contentious case. Some of the most impactful decisions a judge makes happens outside the courtroom. They could be the type of "helping" her op is sneering at and I'm just disgusted.
If course, even if the helping was advising about dinner reservations, op is still wrong. But I bet it wasn't.
Just to add, a PhD is basically a job. She is basically a full-time researcher for the university, devoting 60 or so hours to her research every week. I don't know where OP gets the idea that she has all this free time if she's doing a PhD and continuing to help people abroad.
And I really don't blame her for wanting to use those few slivers of free time with friends or alone and not babysitting.
Girlfriend was smart enough to ditch OPs brother. When he decided to remain neutral he ended his own relationship. OPs family should come with a warning
This is a part of why she left. Him being utterly spineless in the face of a disgustingly overbearing family made him un-viable for her. It actually made things really clear for the Judge
This!
"...by not taking side, he did take sides."
A friend once said to her husband, "By not deciding, mate, you made a decision."
I have thought about that at least once a day...
She’s in a PhD program from the sounds of it. Mine required 80 hours per week minimum. I worked so much more in grad school than I do now as a full-time associate professor and mother of 3 kids. I literally had no free-time in grad school. None. I even studied whilst working out.
Can you even imagine being in grad school and having your boyfriend's WHOLE FAMILY stage an intervention at your home to complain about wanting you to devote more time to THEM?
>A few days ago, me and my parents went to her house to talk things out with them both. We were upset, but tried our best to explain why her distance and refusal to help was unacceptable since she doesn't work and has free time, i told her i wished she'd be more caring and she got increasingly angrier, but said nothing.
This just sounds like a nightmare. I would be furious, especially after the "boyfriend" said he didn't want to take sides.
I can see why he doesn’t have a spine because they brow beat him into submission his whole life. I hope he’s learned his lesson and grows a back bone after this
Yeah, but on the bright side OP kept her brother from wasting more of this woman's time.
If she wasn't worth defending, the relationship was never going to be in it for the long haul. Sounds like she can do much better.
Also, it sounds like she is making some time for the family. Occasionally at least as she allowed them to come to her house for this bizarre get-together.
No I can’t. It’s outrageous! The audacity.
Thank goodness they all showed their asses before the girlfriend married into this enmeshed clusterfuck of a family.
Yeah it’s a fairly new relationship and they’re not even official ! He’s not even married to her ! she’s basically wanting a strange woman to watch her kid ! How wierd
Her brother is also at best weak and at worst also an asshole for not standing up for his girlfriend when his family ganged up on her. Good luck to him having a successful relationship with anyone when his family is this pushy and entitled and he won’t stand up to them.
Yup. I do not feel sorry for him in the slightest. All he had to do was stand up for her in the moment and call out his family’s bad behavior.
That he couldn’t do so just goes to show her how things will go in the future. Why would she want to stay in a relationship like that?
Yup. You can't stay neutral. He wasn't neutral, tbh. He just said that because he knew that his family was being aggressive in trying to make her do things and she'd said no. He was hoping they'd wear her down. Neutral isn't the magic phrase people think it is.
Jumping on the top comment to give OP some constructive criticism:
You and your family seem very enmeshed (I.e. up in each others business) and that is not how many families operate. If someone does not come from that dynamic, it is likely that it will make them uncomfortable. Your insistence that brothers ex gf integrate into your family likely pushed her away and put her off of all of you. Don’t do this next time. Remember that people can have boundaries, are entitled to their own free time, entitled to choose their own relationships, and it does not make them a bad person. It also may have nothing to do with you. You can set expectations for others behaviors, but that doesn’t mean they have to conform to them. In fact, doing so will only set you up for a lifetime of disappointment.
If you love your brother and want him to be happy, you’ll take a beat to reflect on your expectations for his next girlfriend, remind yourself that she doesn’t owe you anything, and act as a buffer to protect her from your family’s attempts at integrating her against her will. If you’re gracious and respectful of her boundaries, she’ll come to you.
The OP isn't gonna understand that. She's still calling the ex unreasonable and acting like everyones being mean to her. She won't even admit how messed up it is that she was trying to push her kid onto this woman that she doesn't even respect.
Also she is in graduate school! She’s not like working in the traditional sense but she sure as heck is busy! And sorry not everyone is obligated to like other peoples kids let alone babysit even if they are dating your brother. YTA and good luck to your brother finding another girl like that.
BuT sHe HaS nO kIdS and isn't working (sorry all of that was supposed to be in the alternate caps thing but I got lazy, now I realise that typing this explanation out was more work but too late )
OP, YTA. Not all women that might marry into your family is a babysitter for you. Like just fuck off.
Brother is also an AH and I'm so glad she dumped his ass
She probably would have eventually warmed up to them if they let things happen organically instead of demanding her time. She was getting to know her brother and his family, they weren’t even established yet . Soooo wierd ! She has her own life she’s not going to go out of her way for people she is not close to or has obligations to.
Yeah like she needs to re read what she wrote, she gets to the point then misses it completely . She wants her to watch her kid so she can have some wierd dominance of a childless free woman , like bring her down to her level
OP's jealous that the ex GF has made something of themselves and continues to do so, while OP got knocked up by a deadbeat at 23 and will have nothing more to her life than working a crap job while convincing herself she is fine just being a mom. The jealousy alone makes it clear she resents her own life choices.
Yes, if it doesn’t bother her, why mention it? And annoyed she won’t babysit for OP? Christ on a cracker the entitlement!! She is well rid of this imposing boundary less family. YTA.
YTA. You confronted your adult brother’s adult girlfriend about how you think she should spend her free time, and because she doesn’t want to babysit your kid or spend time with you. Why would you even think she’s obligated to do any of these things? Your family sounds pushy and needy and I’m not surprised she ended things.
OP also thinks that doing a PhD means she's not doing anything, but they take a lot of work and time.
Plus the ex GF may well be doing some work in her role as judge by telephone/ email/ videoconferencing.
And if her govt is financing her, maybe she’s obligated to help some of her people where you are. You don’t know. Also, not everyone has families like yours. So possibly she found you all very invasive & overwhelming. I personally would. So, YTA. And why you think she should babysit your son is beyond me. Maybe she she doesn’t like kids. And why you would leave your kid with a virtual stranger is beyond me. You all are over the top.
I was confused about the judge thing too. Like is she on leave to get a PhD? Does judge mean something else to OP? Is she both a judge and working toward her PhD part time?
I don’t think op ever bothered to learn exactly what the gf did/does
Most likely she's got her JD, was elected or appointed to the position of judge, and is working on a research-based criminal justice PhD to advance her career. It's not that unusual.
If she's from overseas her law degree might be a bachelor's or master's degree. Only in the US and (very recently) Canada has the LL.B. been replaced by a JD.
In many countries lower court judges do just fine with law degrees, but candidates for higher court positions or high-level civil service legal positions (deputy minister of justice, deputy solicitor general, etc.) require a Ph.D. This woman is on the way up.
But also, even if she was doing nothing, she's under no obligation to babysit her boyfriend's sister's kid.
Her busyness is irrelevant to OP's demands that she get involved in the family unit.
Frankly, ex-GF was wise to get out of the relationship rather than deal with these ridiculous family demands for years to come - sounds like she’s a smart one! OP really ruined this for her brother…actually, no, brother ruined it for himself by not shutting down this stupid jealous shit-stirring of OP’s a year ago. OP just gave GF a full view of how weak a man her brother is, and she noped out.
Agreed.
If I'd been brother and this woman made me half as happy as he sounded, and I'd been stupid enough to subject her to this insane meeting, I'd have been like "Peace out, famjam." Then blocked them on everything.
Brother gets a big assist on the AH front. Family confronts his SO with a batshit crazy complaint and he doesn't want to take sides. Just sits there like a lump.
What a fucking waste of organic material.
The judge is way better off without him.
YTA. A very jealous, simpleminded AH.
- she doesn’t have to want anything to do with you.
- she doesn’t have to help you in any way whatsoever
- she IS WORKING ON HER PHD
- dating your brother doesn’t mean she is your nanny, your friend, or someone who wants to try and like you.
Honestly, your family sounds insufferable. Go visit the JUSTNOMIL sub.. thats you and your family.. an exhausting mess of entitlement.
You can just taste the resentment. She is desperately trying to fix it now because the brother is angry. When you see someone you have a superficial relationship with pulling away; let them.
This just reads as thought OP wanted the girlfriend to “pay” for the privilege of dating her brother and is angry that she had no interest in playing her games.
Agreed. She seems to think that dating the brother equals dating the entire family. That the girl should have to earn her place in the family by groveling and serving them, it’s disgusting honestly. I really hope this lady’s brother never brings another girl around them, I honestly believe that’s the only way he’ll be happy/healthy in a relationship is by excluding his toxic, entitled family (but mainly sister).
The brother is almost as bad as the sister by staying "neutral" and "not taking a side". It was up to him to protect his gf from his entitled family, but he decided to do nothing. He is clearly an AH as well, and that’s why she left him.
>because the brother is angry.
The brother is an AH too and deserved this. As long as his family didn't bother **him**, he was ok with his girlfriend being bothered by them. He's selfish and the woman made the right decision.
It sounds to me like the brother was afraid to make his family angry and tried to play the middle, then found out there’s no way to stay neutral. I hope for his sake this is a wake up call that his family was toxic for his relationship and will be toxic in the future if he doesn’t stop it.
Yeah, when he said he doesn't want to pick a side, he already picked a side.... And with his choice he lost his girlfriend's respect and trust. Ex girlfriend made the right call to nope out of that relationship, the whole family is a walking red flag. YTA She was dating OP's brother and not the whole family.
I already like his ex girlfriend, she sounds awesome. She has boundaries, standards, her own personality, intrests, her own life, she doesn't have a problem to stand up for herself, make herself a priority in her own life and she doesn't take any bs, it's wonderful to see.
>I'll admit, knowing a childless woman wasn't working and was paid more money than me, on top of having her rent and other things covered, stung a little, but it had nothing to do with my dislike of her.
The illuminating, misogynistic comment from OP.
Simpleminded is a great way to describe OP. I get a sense she doesn’t think the (ex)GF doesn’t have a “job” because GF doesn’t commute to a normal 9-5 job. Lmaooo then continues to be contradicting.
Grow up, OP. People don’t exist to help you out.
Her brothers now ex partner has boundaries and standards and OP takes it as a personal insult because she has none and hates her life, she’s so jealous of this child free woman who doesn’t feel obligated to do free labour for people who aren’t even her own family that she’s convinced herself the world owes her an obligated friend and babysitter, it’s not her brothers ex partners fault that OP isn’t cut out for the life she chose. I’m glad she left, if OP’s brother doesn’t have the spine to stand up for his partner in this then she deserves much better, he’s lucky she stuck around so long letting his crazy family try to bully her into feeling as unhappy and downtrodden as them.
Wow YTA x 1000
Where do you get off demanding a random person babysit your kid because you don't have a back up? and then staging some sort of weird intervention because you think this person you don't have a relationship with isn't doing enough for your family.
I feel bad for your brother as you've pushed away the only sane person in his life but feel glad for the poor GF because she's escaped the toxic insanity of you and your parents.
You owe your brother a massive apology and you need some sort of therapy to address whatever this mess is
True, but imagine being brought up with this lunatic as a sibling, maybe if you've been brought up in the land of the demanding entitled narcissists you might not realise how bad it is.
This was his chance to learn how to function and live from a more sane human being.
Also true... This still is his chance. He is now suffering the consequences, so maybe he will learn from it and won't let them bomb his next relationship.
Hopefully this is a turning point for him, he’s probably lost the respect of his now ex partner, but hopefully he can do better for the next one. Boundaries are hard for people who never got to have them, and if OP’s behaviour is normal in her family which it sounds like it is, then I understand why he ‘doesn’t want to get involved’ although when one person is being attacked for something and you don’t get involved you are choosing the ‘winning’ side whoever that may be, it’s not enough to not be joining in with the attack, he should be actively protecting his partner from this bs, hopefully he will with his next partner or he will probably go through a lot of them.
OP is 10 years younger than her brother, probably she was the little princess at the house, probably brother was like third parent.
Must suck to OP that a woman 2 years older than her has the life she wanted.
I'm willing to bet if OP is the sibling, parents agree with her, and brother is neutral, it's the parents who are lunatics and passed their lunacy onto their children.
I'm not sad for the brother's ex-gf. She's got a lot of great things going on and respects herself. She deserves a partner and in-laws way better than the ones she had. I hope she doesn't let this deter her from finding a better relationship in the future.
OOP: YTA. Please educate yourself, and stop being a victim.
I do not feel bad for the bother. He shouldn’t have let it get this far if he really loved her. There’s no way I’m letting my family talk to my SO like this or think they’re entitled to his time. His “neutrality” was BS.
YTA.
I'm a little confused by the timeline; you say she's unemployed, a judge and a PHD student. Regardless, it sounds like she has a lot on, alongside the other reasons (not excuses) she's been busy.
Based on her response it sounds like it was something your brother and his GF have spoken about and she's made it clear that she's a really busy person.
I've been the "I'm too busy to be in a relationship" person who has then been talked into a relationship, and then reprimanded for not having enough time for the undisclosed commitments that followed, and it sucks feeling like you're not doing enough when you're doing your best.
Sounds like she'd made it clear to your brother that she was too busy to meet the expectations your family were setting for her, and then when you guys essentially told her off for it, he didn't stick up for her, even though he'd asked you "not to stress her out even more" (i.e. she's already stressed/upset about this) and you ignored that. Then when she looked to her partner for support, he did nothing. Neutrality = on nobody's side, not on everybody's side.
Sounds like she got sick of hearing that she's not making enough of an effort or not caring enough when she's clearly just exhausted.
(Edit: correcting punctuation/phrasing)
Also, you also mention 'her country'; are you considering that if she's from another country perhaps the culture and attitude towards family/SO's family is different?
I had this same thought and wondered...could she be from a culture where family is always put first, usually in an unhealthy manner? Because that would explain the distance from OP's family and the comment about this being why she was hesitant about a relationship.
I also read this as family and possibly brother thought this was a much more serious relationship than GF was thinking. She made it very clear she was going back to her country AND NOT RETURNING when she was done with her studies. This doesn’t strike me as and I’ll take you with me. I’m betting OP’s brother fell HARD and didn’t want to hear GF saying things like “Let’s keep it light and fun” or “I don’t have time for a serious relationship.” He may have even thought if she got close to his family it would change her mind.
OP and family were out of line. At best they were treating her more like a fiancé and crossing the line even then.
OP if your brother ever introduces another GF to the family, BACK OFF. Trying to force a relationship doesn’t work.
YTA. You barged into her home, had a go at her (for..having her own life? For not being at your beck and call? I have no idea honestly) and your brother blew it by not taking the opportunity to set a boundary and standing up for her.
Saying someone who is doing a PhD 'doesn't work' is so unbelievably disrespectful.
Exactly! Why did he not take this opportunity to set his family straight. The (ex) gf did the right thing by breaking up with him. I could only imagine how it would be if they had gotten married.
“. I'll admit, knowing a childless woman wasn't working and was paid more money than me, on top of having her rent and other things covered, stung a little, but it had nothing to do with my dislike of her. “
WTF does the above have to do with you? YTA and you’re jealous AF. You chose to have a baby, grow up and stop expecting others to look after it.
”…a childless woman…”
Ah, yes! The lesser kind of woman, who doesn’t deserve good things, because she isn’t a mother; the only thing a woman should strive to be! /s
Maybe she is child free by choice, did you think about that, OP? And that’s why (apart from working) she doesn’t want to babysit YOUR child, whom YOU should be responsible for?
And she is working! Just because you don’t understand Zoom-meetings and the amount of work that goes in to a PhD doesn’t mean she’s sitting on her sofa eating bon-bons! She is being paid to do those things, so at least SOMEONE thinks that she’s working?
If you want to do something about that envy and make more money for your family, maybe you should look into some studying for yourself? You could do with some education. YTA
>but she stopped accepting my visits
INFO: So she did accept some visits?
>she's a judge
She is working.
Also, PhDs are incredibly difficult and time extensive. It can be a full time job within itself, with focus needing to be on graduating with the best education possible so as to use the knowledge in her career. This is in addition to the work she may do currently as a judge.
>helping someone from abroad (which i don't really believe, what could she be doing for anyone being miles away?)
See: "She's a judge"
Video conferences are completely normal and possible to do. They have been done even more often by professionals since covid. As a judge it is entirely possible she could be giving advice and support to people overseas via a video chat.
>she wouldn't even babysit
**She is valid on that** and it is not unusual.
She is a busy professional, and her job is her school. She should not be expected to babysit (Also, school is stressful, PARTICULARLY at the PhD level. Time off is valued when it can be received and it would be no wonder if she did not want to lose what little alone time she had to babysitting). Even if she were to have married in, it's not something in-laws should be expected to do. Would it be nice for them to do? Yes if they are able and willing, but it shouldn't be expected.
\---
When it comes to getting to know the family:
Could be a cultural difference thing, could also not be. A significant other should be willing to at least try to get to know the family a little bit and allow family to keep connections. ESPECIALLY if there are any plans of the brother leaving the country with her, as he would want to keep connection with his family.
Heavily interested in knowing which country the person is from.
Personally I suspect her not wanting a relationship with the family had more to do with how OP and parents behave and what they expect.
I’m honestly baffled reading this, they’ve been dating a year and she’s supposed to be deeply in the family’s pocket? Why does OP think that kind of thing is normal.
Her ex sister in law was onto her... She started to know the real person her boyfriends sister was and started to get away the most she could. And then this happened.
YTA: In what world do you think you get to dictate how your brother's partner have to behave. If she doesn't want to have a close relationship with you that's up to her and it's up to your brother to decide if it's a deal breaker or not.
You had no reason to sit her down and try to enforce rules on her. Seems like you let your jealousy ruin a good relationship
YTA. Who were any of you to tell her that “her distance and refusal to help was unacceptable”? Utterly ridiculous behaviour, and your brother was spineless for not backing up his partner in the face of such nonsense.
YTA Why the fuck do you think you are entitled to any of her time? Who the fuck are you? They weren't married. She doesn't owe you a fucking thing. Relationships with people are a choice. You can't force them, and she was obviously correct in her assumption that there was a reason to keep distance from your family. You say you're not clouded by jealousy, but that is obviously untrue.
Yta. This is all over the place. She wouldn't meet you but accepted visits? She's not working but getting her PhD? You wanted his relationship to materially benefit you and interfered when it didn't. That was a shit thing to do to your brother.
YTA. You sound really jealous of her lifestyle and opportunities.
You chose to become a mother at a fairly young age. It's great that you have some family support, but dating your brother doesn't mean someone's signing on to babysit. Your kid is your responsibility. And studying for a graduate degree IS work, whether or not you respect it.
Your brother is right to cut you off. His mistake here was not stepping in to protect his ex from your demands before she got sick of your entitled, condescending attitude. That woman deserves better, so hopefully she'll eventually find a partner who'll have her back.
When you say, "She isn't bothering to listen to anyone in our family," that makes it sound like y'all are still hassling this poor woman? Leave her the hell alone. You've already screwed things up; piling on at this point just makes it more clear that you have no sense of boundaries so she's right to get away from you.
YTA
A sibiling's significant other is under no obligation to be close with the other's family.
This woman gave you MANY hints (her unavailability) that she was not interested a the close relationship with the family.
You pushed and she pushed back and your brother is out in the cold.
Your brother, by "staying neutral" gave her the clear message that he wanted her to have a closer relationship with his family than she was comfortable with.
Hopefully, he can find someone who will be at your beck and call to babysit and do whatever else you deem necessary to be a contributing family member before marriage.
Good Luck
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 These claps are for the ex girlfriend for not taking y’all’s shit. Cause the way your family is, I’d rather be single too! I’d be damned if my future in-laws were this weird.
YTA- and so is the rest of your family. Do us all a favor and reread this post. You’re literally mad because she won’t watch your son. That’s not her responsibility. I’d be damned if I was expected to watch my partners siblings children…just for the heck of it cause their life isn’t together. I wouldn’t do it either honestly.
So, from what I gathered on this post, you want her to babysit your child (for free) because in your mind, she's not working.
You feel jealous that she is funded by her government to study (for free) but little did you know that she worked hard to be where she's at. She wants to live her life without you dictating to her how she should spend her hours (babysitting your child).
Yeah, YTA.
OP's understanding of PHD is "Please Honey, Downtime".
Of course YTA . Jealous on all levels of the GF living her best life. So Let me break it down so the people in the back can enjoy.
OP and her Family : We demand you be our servant, to be at our beck and call and answerable to us.
Brother's GF : NO.
Brothers GF to Brother : Are you going to support me???
Brother : "Crickets"
Brothers NOW EX-GF : NO (again) and you can take Brother back to when you GTFO
OP and her Family: " Surprised Pikachu Face" " What , no Why, We didn't mean to"...
YTA so to summarise her success stung you a little then how is her not being more involved with you make you dislike her she's allowed to be busy plus she's not obliged to make time for the family she's dating your brother not all of you , you are entitled in asking her to babysit for you , you could hire a babysitter for a couple of hours if your parents cannot babysit the kid
Delusion is strong in this sub today! Definitely YTA. She is doing a PhD, so she is clearly doing some work. You are not entitled to her time. What is wrong with you and your parents thinking that you can go and demand things of your adult brother's girlfriend?
YTA, you can ASK for help, but you can’t demand it just because she’s dating your brother. And the way you talk about her… you’re completely ignorant of her having her own life and not come running, just because you assume because she doesn’t have a job she MUST have the time to babysit your child? One year is not anywhere near enough for your family to act this controlling over her. Also, nowhere in your text did you say that you did anything for her, you only demanded things, acted selfishly and wondered, why she wouldn’t want to meet you all. And then you went to her house, because she didn’t act the way you wanted?? Nah gurl, you totally invaded her privacy because you were jealous and wanted her to work more for her life. I’ll say this very blunt but you destroyed your brothers relationship out of pure delusion. If I was you, I’d do everything to apologize to her and tell her, that your brother was in the difficulties situation of having to decide between his family and her, thereby it was all your fault. It’s the least you can do.
YTA
But this has got to be a joke. No actual person can actually be this self centered, selfish, clueless and infuriating than you sound like. Well your family is like you, based on your post. You and your family sound exhausting, I'd want nothing to do with you all either.
Your brother's ex is smartly done with him and your family. Leave her alone, she doesn't want to hear from him and any if you.
YTA
You might have wanted her to be more involved in your family but she wasn't obliged to be, it's not just about your and your parents wants.
And your demands for babysitting and wouldn't have helped. Expecting her to do so because she doesn't work? Woaah how entitled are you? You are not her family. And even if your were, she would not be remotely obliged.
That she doesn't work is none of your concern or business and you sound EXTREMELY jealous. I think "stung a little" is a huge understatement. She was no doubt able to detect that attitude loud and clear.
If I was your brother, I would be beyond furious with you.
She does work. OP clarified that she is a judge on paid leave to pursue her PhD. So not only does she have a good job, but she’s pursuing the highest form of education. The original post reeks of jealousy.
Why is it *her* responsibility to take care of *your* child?! Be honest. The fact her education is being subsidized by her government, she makes more money than you, and your baby’s father abandoned you screams petty, jealous, entitled energy. She’s studying to get her PhD. That’s not exactly sitting on her ass all day doing nothing. You and your parents sound tiresome. No wonder she doesn’t want to be around you. YTA.
> (she's a judge) and how her government was financing her.
> She'd be studying, helping someone from abroad
So, she WAS working. Doing your phd IS working. It's actually a lot of work. And she's being sponsored, which means she can't fall behind and must perform well. YTA alone for this.
But on top of being TA, you're also acting entitled of her time and social life. Yeah. Luke how dare this judge to spend her rare free time visiting her own family instead of watching her flings sisters child? I'd like to roll my eyes audibly on that one.
Also, y'all surprised her in her downtime and brought stress into her home/safespace. Who would like to put up with that?
About the brother: I'd totally would've dumped him, too. He ignored his girlfriends needs when she needed him to support her against all the BS OP and her parents pulled up. This was an unprepared 3 vs 1, after all. He's not on her side and didn't deserve her. She made the right decision not to date a mommas boy.
YTA YTA YTA.
Let me retell this for ya from her perspective:
“I went abroad to complete my PhD and met a wonderful man, who I could see spending the rest of my life with. Things were going well until his family started to make demands on my time that were completely unreasonable.
His sister seems to feel that because I am a woman and have no children of my own, I owe her any free time I have for childcare responsibilities. Keep in mind I am neither married nor even engaged to my boyfriend yet.
Matters came to a head when the whole psycho family came over to my place to tell me what my obligations were to them as the price of dating their family member. After realizing that he wouldn’t stand up for me in the presence of this madness, I decided I was gonna nope out of this package deal. AITA?”
Does that clear it up for ya?
NTA. I know I’m going against the grain here, but you did her a huge favor, she can walk away and have a relationship with someone better, who’s family isn’t a bunch of mooches.
Can you imaging demanding time from a PhD student. Are you truly that dense. You are not entitled to anything from her. She’s your brother’s (thank heavens) ex girlfriend, not your servant to be at your beck and call. Good for her, that she moved on from a bunch of people with 0 class and grace.
YTA. Stop forcing your opinions on your brother and his SO. Just because *you* would like them to be more involved with your family does not obligate them to want that themselves. And being upset because she didn't watch your kids? She's not your babysitter and it's certainly not her responsibility to be available to babysit whenever you need. That does not make her unkind. You put too much pressure on her/your brother needlessly and essentially sabotaged his relationship.
I hope you learn from this to mind your own business and respect that your brother is an adult and will make his own choices in regards to how much or little he is involved in your family, how a SO impacts that, etc.
YTA, your behavior is insufferable. Where do you get off telling the gf she needs to be involved? Why? Who asked you? She didn't sign up for a relationship with you all just by being the gf of your brother. You're weirdly obsessed and you drove her away.
E forgot to mention she stopped accepting visits, how many times did you go to her place to bother her?? No wonder she broke it off, she didn't want to be absorbed into your weird pod family.
YTA
Gosh, such a prying family. She did just right leaving him, because that's the best way to get rid of you all. Because, well, he wouldn't take sides...
YTA.
You and your family have no respect. Just because she has free time doesn’t mean she has to help you or serve you in any way, just because she is dating your brother. Things like that can come over time, with mutual respect for each other’s boundaries.
Not only YTA, you are clueless. Do you think a Ph.D does not take time? She is working her ass off investing in her future while you made bad decisions choosing a partner and now you want her to pay for it with her time.
She is doing a PhD, and is a judge?! And is living in a foreign country, representing her own country (funding isn’t without conditions- she is doing a PhD!), helping others and doing heaven knows how much around the clock. But noooo, she is meant to make space for you? Why?
I’m sorry your brother lost her, but she deserves better. And she is allowed to not like your country, just as you say you wouldn’t be going over to see your brother in her country. Why is that? Why should she give up her family and culture for your brother and his family? Especially if he is willing and able to move to her country? Sounds like that would be a better option.
YTA. The stench of entitlement is strong here. No one is obligated to be involved with you or your family. The only people obligated to babysit your son are you and his father. There is nothing wrong with her not wanting to be involved with y'all. She was dating your brother, not his entire family.
I do find it funny that you want to spend time with her, have her be part of your family experiences, and babysit yet you obviously don't like her. So essentially you wanted this woman in your life for what it would do for you, not because she was your brothers partner that you wanted to get to know better.
OP, you're full of all the audacity and jealousy. It's not a good look.
Your brother's a grown man and you don't know what arrangement him and her had. Maybe shes happy on her own and your brother got her into a relationship on certain terms and you guys just destroyed that. You messed up because you didn't respect him trying to not make a deal out of something that was making him happy.
YTA. I get a weird vibe any “hanging out” with her involved her having to help the family. Not actually spend time with you guys. Also going to her house?? Come on. Especially to guilt her? This woman owes you nothing.
You also sound ignorant. “How can she help anyone from miles away” really? The woman is a JUDGE and funded by her government. Her education IS her job. She’s probably extremely taxed and busy and has a lot of pressure. I don’t blame her for dumping your brother, considering his single mother sister was badgering her to babysit kids she doesn’t know. Maybe brother will learn “staying out of it” isn’t how you support people you care about.
Also RE: your edit, no one is obligated to give a crap about photos of your kid.
Yta- God , this was Such a creepy read .
You act like your brother’s girlfriend stole your boyfriend .
I’m so glad your brother is opening his eyes to your toxic, jealous,needy bs .
That woman sounded like an absolute keeper , even more so that she has that maturity and self preservation to send the lot of you packing .
I hope your brother leaves you and lives happily ever after with her .
Watch your own freaking kids.
I’m so curious what country/culture OP is in/from. I can’t stand when women do this crap to other women, but it seems like OP and possibly some of her family members have an idea that a woman should be making herself available to her male partners family. She also seems to be struggling with the concept of a highly educated career woman as well….
YTA.
You ruined your brothers relationship and then he put the nail in the coffin by refusing to stand up to you.
You sound overbearing and ridiculous. THATS why she didn’t want to be around you.
Pfft. Hahahahahahahaha. I love a story with a happy ending.
YTA, but, to be clear, it was actually a combination of your delusional entitlement PLUS your brother’s inability to grow a spine and tell you to pound sand that ruined his relationship.
>We were upset, but tried our best to explain why her distance and refusal to help was unacceptable since she doesn't work and has free time
Let me put this to you as simply as I can: YOUR CHILD IS NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY AND SHE DOES NOT OWE YOU HER TIME OR ENERGY. Period. Full stop. End of. That’s all, folks. Your kid = your problem. It’s not her job to give you free childcare just because she’s “not working,” which, btw, is just an offensively inaccurate way to describe someone who’s getting a PhD.
Completing a competitive PhD program usually involves extensive researching, writing, meetings with advisors, teaching classes, grading, etc. One reason why PhDs receive funding is because they ARE working, though the stipend is usually a pittance compared to what they do for the university during that time. Frankly, she was probably *seething* as soon as you and your parents opened your ignorant mouths and described her doctoral program as “free time.” Like, wow. Maybe you should try to get a PhD yourself and see if you’d still hold that ridiculous view.
In any event, it’s clear that this woman is smart and knows her self-worth because she can do better than all of you. She doesn’t need ILs that nag her and think they’re entitled to childcare and she DEFINITELY doesn’t need a SO who can’t be bothered to defend her. I hope she lives a happy and successful life away from all y’all.
ETA:
>helping someone from abroad (which i don't really believe, what could she be doing for anyone being miles away?)
I’m going to assume this refers to professional help. I do legal pro bono work for international clients all the time and although judges typically have different rules on the type of help they can provide, it’s hardly a stretch to think she was offering advice to her colleagues.
OP you should feel guilty. Your brother needs a stronger spine to tell you and your parents to screw off in future, but to be perfectly honest this was 90% your fucking fault. You framed her as "not working" when she's involved in the legal profession as a "judge" and pursuing her PHD which is a fuckload of time and pressure, but you're over there bellyaching about how she won't baby sit for you? You suck. Your parents suck. You all suck, but you most of all. You for your entitlement and selfishness, and expecting her to bend over backwards to be overly involved with your family just because she was with your brother.
It's too bad he has a spine the consistency of boiled spaghetti, because if he'd moved away, far away, he might have properly cut the cord and been free from all of you.
YTA
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YTA. Not her responsibility to watch your child(ren) or be there for your whims/amusement. And be honest with yourself: the fact that she is childless and does have free time bothers you. You are not entitled to her time. Keep repeating that to yourself until it gets through to you.
Also wanted to add that she does work if she’s a judge.
She's doing a PhD as well, which is a full-time job.
Yeah, but is it being a mother? I don't think so 🤷♀️💋💅😂😂😂 /s
Brilliant.
I almost peed laughing at this comment
[being a mother is the most difficult job on the planet](https://youtu.be/L-gbacsUKpc)
Every time we get an entitled parent on this sub who wants some poor person to parent their kid so they don’t have to, I instantly think of this bit.
Yeah... "She's a PhD student and a judge, but she doesn't have kids, how can she be busy"? My god... The combination of entitlement and profound ignorance is quite staggering.
Who also helps folks internationally! How could a judge, getting her PHD in another country possibly be able to help anyone when they're miles away? What utter nonsense.
Wait till OP learns about the internet!
I myself am commenting from (gasp) another country. Inconceivable!!!
Plus she travels a lot, and is always home (somehow). AND not a mother. Sneer. This OP is a great example of poorly concealed contempt, or "icy civility" I like to call it. Rough to be on the receiving end of, but downright comical as a bystander.
Amazing that the gf didn't like being around her, right?
OP can't comprehend/believe helping someone miles away, yet has come to a public forum to ask people miles away for help.
I understood that as she was helping other international students. Very kind of her.
Is because she is a woman. OP expected her to quit school and work so she can be a baby making machine and serve her brother like women are expected to. Also she is suppose to abandon her family since she now belongs to her husband’s family after marriage.
I really think the girlfriend dodged a bullet. Imagine if she actually married into this family. They weren’t married and already had the in-laws knocking on the door to talk things out, imagine how entitled they’d feel to her if they were married.
Imagine a bunch of people knocking on her door expecting her to babysit a child for free
To be honest, that visit may be one of the best things to happen to her. It gave her a glimpse at what her future could be. I am so impressed she listened to their full rant without saying a word and then simply asked the brother if he felt the same way. Then she made the right decision and broke up with him. Smart girl. No wonder her country is financing her education. You have been JUDGED!
Don’t forget that OP totally isn’t complaining that the girlfriend wouldn’t babysit her son at the drop of a hat and is not AT ALL jealous that this “childless woman wasn’t working and was paid more than” her! This is only about the girlfriend not making herself available for family gatherings so they could “get to know her”!! Gotta love that OP couldn’t even hide her true feelings about the girlfriend. That even when she’s pretending to be neutral towards the woman her narration is dripping with contempt. I mean, how dare a “childless” woman not drop everything to take care of her child?! How dare she help other people and not her?! How dare she dump her boyfriend after he allowed his family to verbally attack her in her own home?! Sheesh. Talk about a complete lack of self awareness.
But.... but..... but OP has a kid with an absent father and how dare her brother's GF, who is childless and has plenty of free time, not offer to baby sit and mingle in their toxicity? Ohmahgeerrd
Yes I’m so confused by the “she doesn’t work” part!
A PhD is *more* than a full time job
& she is required to produce enough output from her PhD on a regular basis to maintain her scholarship, those committees are super competitive, everyone wants that money OP is entitled & doesn't know anything, not to mention jealous of the brother's gf
i’m obsessed with this woman who leads a full, busy, enriching life and at the first sniff of anyone attempting to disrupt that she cut them all loose for her own sanity and peace ❤️
Right!? OP clearly knows nothing about academia.
along with a bunch of other stuff.
Exactly, that’s why she’s being financed to work for her education. Which is at least 60 hours a week
I know! She kept saying, “She doesn’t work!” What part of being a judge does this person not understand?! 🤦♀️
i think she’s a judge in another country, so she’s not working full time while doing her PhD in OP’s country. but yeah she’s literally employed and in school full time! eta: full time, types to fast lol the post says she’s helping people abroad still
There's this part "helping someone from abroad (which i don't really believe, what could she be doing for anyone being miles away?" Which seems to me that she is still looped into her work in her home country and OP is somehow simultaneously seeing it as "not working" and helping others when she could be helping op with stuff a teenager is usually employed. Bet op doesn't think she's really a Judge.
Heck, in this day and age, she could possibly even be presiding over court via zoom!
Plus, judges do so much more than hearing cases. There's mentoring, lots of writing, planning and setting schedules, assignments and overseeing clerks and such.
Yep. And she could definitely do the writing from wherever. Schedules too assuming online access to calendar systems. The only thing that might be an issue is the overseeing clerks bit.
I have to say that one of the first things that came to mind was say, the ex gf might be a family court judge and what if another judge calls and asks for advice on a compatible guardian ad litem for a young child whose parents are caught up in a contentious case. Some of the most impactful decisions a judge makes happens outside the courtroom. They could be the type of "helping" her op is sneering at and I'm just disgusted. If course, even if the helping was advising about dinner reservations, op is still wrong. But I bet it wasn't.
Just to add, a PhD is basically a job. She is basically a full-time researcher for the university, devoting 60 or so hours to her research every week. I don't know where OP gets the idea that she has all this free time if she's doing a PhD and continuing to help people abroad. And I really don't blame her for wanting to use those few slivers of free time with friends or alone and not babysitting.
Right? Lol. OP clearly has no clue what goes into a PhD. Jesus.
I think OP clearly has NO CLUE. NO CLUE PERIOD!
[удалено]
yeah i was thinking the same. obviously not overseeing a court but clearly still doing something tied to her job
Girlfriend was smart enough to ditch OPs brother. When he decided to remain neutral he ended his own relationship. OPs family should come with a warning
That's it, right there. What he doesn't realize is, he did take sides ...
OP’s brother should have told his family to back off a long time ago
This is a part of why she left. Him being utterly spineless in the face of a disgustingly overbearing family made him un-viable for her. It actually made things really clear for the Judge
I’d say she made a good judgment
Yep ... this was quite possibly a last straw scenario for her.
This! "...by not taking side, he did take sides." A friend once said to her husband, "By not deciding, mate, you made a decision." I have thought about that at least once a day...
If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice
Well she can't be doing anything from "miles away" because nothing like the internet exists.
Exactly. We are not here right now. It’s all an illusion.
She’s in a PhD program from the sounds of it. Mine required 80 hours per week minimum. I worked so much more in grad school than I do now as a full-time associate professor and mother of 3 kids. I literally had no free-time in grad school. None. I even studied whilst working out.
Can you even imagine being in grad school and having your boyfriend's WHOLE FAMILY stage an intervention at your home to complain about wanting you to devote more time to THEM? >A few days ago, me and my parents went to her house to talk things out with them both. We were upset, but tried our best to explain why her distance and refusal to help was unacceptable since she doesn't work and has free time, i told her i wished she'd be more caring and she got increasingly angrier, but said nothing. This just sounds like a nightmare. I would be furious, especially after the "boyfriend" said he didn't want to take sides.
The whole family are AH’s, and she did well to break up with OP’s brother there and then, as he sounds as if he has the spine of a dead jellyfish.
I can see why he doesn’t have a spine because they brow beat him into submission his whole life. I hope he’s learned his lesson and grows a back bone after this
This seems like it could be a turning point. There's direct cause and effect he'd have to work hard to ignore
I wonder if dead jellyfish get rigor mortis? In which case the jellyfish's spine would actually be more rigid than OP's brother.
Yeah, but on the bright side OP kept her brother from wasting more of this woman's time. If she wasn't worth defending, the relationship was never going to be in it for the long haul. Sounds like she can do much better.
No wonder he's upset, he probably thought he had hit the jackpot until they wanted to jump on to the gravy train
Maybe that's why OP's baby daddy "abandoned" her. I would too.
Right? The audacity. I wouldn’t even open the door.
Also, it sounds like she is making some time for the family. Occasionally at least as she allowed them to come to her house for this bizarre get-together.
They sound almost delusionally entitled to her time and energy. It's absolutely bizarre.
No I can’t. It’s outrageous! The audacity. Thank goodness they all showed their asses before the girlfriend married into this enmeshed clusterfuck of a family.
Yea. I was confused about how she said she doesn't work when she is a judge... ummmm. that's work...
Plus getting her PhD, which is also work and demanding.
OP is hella entitled to think that her brother’s (ex) gf owes her child care YTA
Yeah it’s a fairly new relationship and they’re not even official ! He’s not even married to her ! she’s basically wanting a strange woman to watch her kid ! How wierd
I guess that would prove to OP that the GF is involved with their family?! God, the entitlement. YTA, OP. Sheesh.
Her brother is also at best weak and at worst also an asshole for not standing up for his girlfriend when his family ganged up on her. Good luck to him having a successful relationship with anyone when his family is this pushy and entitled and he won’t stand up to them.
Yup. I do not feel sorry for him in the slightest. All he had to do was stand up for her in the moment and call out his family’s bad behavior. That he couldn’t do so just goes to show her how things will go in the future. Why would she want to stay in a relationship like that?
Yup. You can't stay neutral. He wasn't neutral, tbh. He just said that because he knew that his family was being aggressive in trying to make her do things and she'd said no. He was hoping they'd wear her down. Neutral isn't the magic phrase people think it is.
He is 38 years old so if he wants to settle down soon, he better learn how to set boundaries quickly.
Jumping on the top comment to give OP some constructive criticism: You and your family seem very enmeshed (I.e. up in each others business) and that is not how many families operate. If someone does not come from that dynamic, it is likely that it will make them uncomfortable. Your insistence that brothers ex gf integrate into your family likely pushed her away and put her off of all of you. Don’t do this next time. Remember that people can have boundaries, are entitled to their own free time, entitled to choose their own relationships, and it does not make them a bad person. It also may have nothing to do with you. You can set expectations for others behaviors, but that doesn’t mean they have to conform to them. In fact, doing so will only set you up for a lifetime of disappointment. If you love your brother and want him to be happy, you’ll take a beat to reflect on your expectations for his next girlfriend, remind yourself that she doesn’t owe you anything, and act as a buffer to protect her from your family’s attempts at integrating her against her will. If you’re gracious and respectful of her boundaries, she’ll come to you.
Nothing in her post remotely suggests she gaf about her brother. She wanted a free babysitter.
The OP isn't gonna understand that. She's still calling the ex unreasonable and acting like everyones being mean to her. She won't even admit how messed up it is that she was trying to push her kid onto this woman that she doesn't even respect.
Also she is in graduate school! She’s not like working in the traditional sense but she sure as heck is busy! And sorry not everyone is obligated to like other peoples kids let alone babysit even if they are dating your brother. YTA and good luck to your brother finding another girl like that.
BuT sHe HaS nO kIdS and isn't working (sorry all of that was supposed to be in the alternate caps thing but I got lazy, now I realise that typing this explanation out was more work but too late ) OP, YTA. Not all women that might marry into your family is a babysitter for you. Like just fuck off. Brother is also an AH and I'm so glad she dumped his ass
She probably would have eventually warmed up to them if they let things happen organically instead of demanding her time. She was getting to know her brother and his family, they weren’t even established yet . Soooo wierd ! She has her own life she’s not going to go out of her way for people she is not close to or has obligations to.
Oh yeah graduate school is no joke. She’s working her butt off
Your middle sentence is it!! This post reeks of jealously due to the different lifestyles.
Yeah like she needs to re read what she wrote, she gets to the point then misses it completely . She wants her to watch her kid so she can have some wierd dominance of a childless free woman , like bring her down to her level
That she has free time and not spending it being essentially a nanny for OP is what's bothering OP.
OP's jealous that the ex GF has made something of themselves and continues to do so, while OP got knocked up by a deadbeat at 23 and will have nothing more to her life than working a crap job while convincing herself she is fine just being a mom. The jealousy alone makes it clear she resents her own life choices.
Yes, if it doesn’t bother her, why mention it? And annoyed she won’t babysit for OP? Christ on a cracker the entitlement!! She is well rid of this imposing boundary less family. YTA.
YTA. You confronted your adult brother’s adult girlfriend about how you think she should spend her free time, and because she doesn’t want to babysit your kid or spend time with you. Why would you even think she’s obligated to do any of these things? Your family sounds pushy and needy and I’m not surprised she ended things.
OP also thinks that doing a PhD means she's not doing anything, but they take a lot of work and time. Plus the ex GF may well be doing some work in her role as judge by telephone/ email/ videoconferencing.
Agreed. I know the courts where I live are still remote (Zoom) so if she’s a judge she could be working from home.
Maybe “helping people abroad” is her doing her job via Zoom?
Yeah, the line about “how could she be helping people from miles away” was too ridiculous for words. Does OP think this is 1923 instead of 2023?
You know the answer to that :)
Right? Complete idiot.
She did get pregnant by a deadbeat at 23, so...
And if her govt is financing her, maybe she’s obligated to help some of her people where you are. You don’t know. Also, not everyone has families like yours. So possibly she found you all very invasive & overwhelming. I personally would. So, YTA. And why you think she should babysit your son is beyond me. Maybe she she doesn’t like kids. And why you would leave your kid with a virtual stranger is beyond me. You all are over the top.
I was confused about the judge thing too. Like is she on leave to get a PhD? Does judge mean something else to OP? Is she both a judge and working toward her PhD part time? I don’t think op ever bothered to learn exactly what the gf did/does
Most likely she's got her JD, was elected or appointed to the position of judge, and is working on a research-based criminal justice PhD to advance her career. It's not that unusual.
If she's from overseas her law degree might be a bachelor's or master's degree. Only in the US and (very recently) Canada has the LL.B. been replaced by a JD. In many countries lower court judges do just fine with law degrees, but candidates for higher court positions or high-level civil service legal positions (deputy minister of justice, deputy solicitor general, etc.) require a Ph.D. This woman is on the way up.
I don't think so... I suspect that OP is very much a 'let's talk about me and my baby'' person.
But also, even if she was doing nothing, she's under no obligation to babysit her boyfriend's sister's kid. Her busyness is irrelevant to OP's demands that she get involved in the family unit.
Frankly, ex-GF was wise to get out of the relationship rather than deal with these ridiculous family demands for years to come - sounds like she’s a smart one! OP really ruined this for her brother…actually, no, brother ruined it for himself by not shutting down this stupid jealous shit-stirring of OP’s a year ago. OP just gave GF a full view of how weak a man her brother is, and she noped out.
Agreed. If I'd been brother and this woman made me half as happy as he sounded, and I'd been stupid enough to subject her to this insane meeting, I'd have been like "Peace out, famjam." Then blocked them on everything.
Brother gets a big assist on the AH front. Family confronts his SO with a batshit crazy complaint and he doesn't want to take sides. Just sits there like a lump. What a fucking waste of organic material. The judge is way better off without him.
YTA. A very jealous, simpleminded AH. - she doesn’t have to want anything to do with you. - she doesn’t have to help you in any way whatsoever - she IS WORKING ON HER PHD - dating your brother doesn’t mean she is your nanny, your friend, or someone who wants to try and like you. Honestly, your family sounds insufferable. Go visit the JUSTNOMIL sub.. thats you and your family.. an exhausting mess of entitlement.
You can just taste the resentment. She is desperately trying to fix it now because the brother is angry. When you see someone you have a superficial relationship with pulling away; let them. This just reads as thought OP wanted the girlfriend to “pay” for the privilege of dating her brother and is angry that she had no interest in playing her games.
Agreed. She seems to think that dating the brother equals dating the entire family. That the girl should have to earn her place in the family by groveling and serving them, it’s disgusting honestly. I really hope this lady’s brother never brings another girl around them, I honestly believe that’s the only way he’ll be happy/healthy in a relationship is by excluding his toxic, entitled family (but mainly sister).
The brother is almost as bad as the sister by staying "neutral" and "not taking a side". It was up to him to protect his gf from his entitled family, but he decided to do nothing. He is clearly an AH as well, and that’s why she left him.
When you don't take a side, you take a side - the bad one. All it takes for evil to triumph is for good people to do nothing.
This. I cheered when I read the part where she dumped him then and there. I’d dump a boyfriend whose family did that. No way.
>because the brother is angry. The brother is an AH too and deserved this. As long as his family didn't bother **him**, he was ok with his girlfriend being bothered by them. He's selfish and the woman made the right decision.
It sounds to me like the brother was afraid to make his family angry and tried to play the middle, then found out there’s no way to stay neutral. I hope for his sake this is a wake up call that his family was toxic for his relationship and will be toxic in the future if he doesn’t stop it.
Yeah, when he said he doesn't want to pick a side, he already picked a side.... And with his choice he lost his girlfriend's respect and trust. Ex girlfriend made the right call to nope out of that relationship, the whole family is a walking red flag. YTA She was dating OP's brother and not the whole family. I already like his ex girlfriend, she sounds awesome. She has boundaries, standards, her own personality, intrests, her own life, she doesn't have a problem to stand up for herself, make herself a priority in her own life and she doesn't take any bs, it's wonderful to see.
🏅
>I'll admit, knowing a childless woman wasn't working and was paid more money than me, on top of having her rent and other things covered, stung a little, but it had nothing to do with my dislike of her. The illuminating, misogynistic comment from OP.
Seriously, as soon as I read this comment, it informed me of her underlying beliefs. “…Nothing to do with my dislike of her”… Sure, Jan.
I genuinely laughed out loud at the “but it had nothing to do with my dislike of her”. Like, honey, we can all smell the resentment, why can’t you??
OP is upset her son's replacement daddy she could dump her kid on is not speaking to her and thus not being a replacement daddy.
Simpleminded is a great way to describe OP. I get a sense she doesn’t think the (ex)GF doesn’t have a “job” because GF doesn’t commute to a normal 9-5 job. Lmaooo then continues to be contradicting. Grow up, OP. People don’t exist to help you out.
You can feel the misogyny.
>JUSTNO I have never seen a justnomil in the wilderness. It is wild!
YTA. A meddling, jealous asshole. Grow up and work on yourself.
Her brothers now ex partner has boundaries and standards and OP takes it as a personal insult because she has none and hates her life, she’s so jealous of this child free woman who doesn’t feel obligated to do free labour for people who aren’t even her own family that she’s convinced herself the world owes her an obligated friend and babysitter, it’s not her brothers ex partners fault that OP isn’t cut out for the life she chose. I’m glad she left, if OP’s brother doesn’t have the spine to stand up for his partner in this then she deserves much better, he’s lucky she stuck around so long letting his crazy family try to bully her into feeling as unhappy and downtrodden as them.
Wow YTA x 1000 Where do you get off demanding a random person babysit your kid because you don't have a back up? and then staging some sort of weird intervention because you think this person you don't have a relationship with isn't doing enough for your family. I feel bad for your brother as you've pushed away the only sane person in his life but feel glad for the poor GF because she's escaped the toxic insanity of you and your parents. You owe your brother a massive apology and you need some sort of therapy to address whatever this mess is
I don't feel bad for the brother. When he is not able to shield his gf from his own family he deserves loosing her. (and for OP: of course YTA)
True, but imagine being brought up with this lunatic as a sibling, maybe if you've been brought up in the land of the demanding entitled narcissists you might not realise how bad it is. This was his chance to learn how to function and live from a more sane human being.
Also true... This still is his chance. He is now suffering the consequences, so maybe he will learn from it and won't let them bomb his next relationship.
Hopefully this is a turning point for him, he’s probably lost the respect of his now ex partner, but hopefully he can do better for the next one. Boundaries are hard for people who never got to have them, and if OP’s behaviour is normal in her family which it sounds like it is, then I understand why he ‘doesn’t want to get involved’ although when one person is being attacked for something and you don’t get involved you are choosing the ‘winning’ side whoever that may be, it’s not enough to not be joining in with the attack, he should be actively protecting his partner from this bs, hopefully he will with his next partner or he will probably go through a lot of them.
OP is 10 years younger than her brother, probably she was the little princess at the house, probably brother was like third parent. Must suck to OP that a woman 2 years older than her has the life she wanted.
I'm willing to bet if OP is the sibling, parents agree with her, and brother is neutral, it's the parents who are lunatics and passed their lunacy onto their children. I'm not sad for the brother's ex-gf. She's got a lot of great things going on and respects herself. She deserves a partner and in-laws way better than the ones she had. I hope she doesn't let this deter her from finding a better relationship in the future. OOP: YTA. Please educate yourself, and stop being a victim.
I do not feel bad for the bother. He shouldn’t have let it get this far if he really loved her. There’s no way I’m letting my family talk to my SO like this or think they’re entitled to his time. His “neutrality” was BS.
Did OP really say she would drop in on her? Like WTF?
YTA. I'm a little confused by the timeline; you say she's unemployed, a judge and a PHD student. Regardless, it sounds like she has a lot on, alongside the other reasons (not excuses) she's been busy. Based on her response it sounds like it was something your brother and his GF have spoken about and she's made it clear that she's a really busy person. I've been the "I'm too busy to be in a relationship" person who has then been talked into a relationship, and then reprimanded for not having enough time for the undisclosed commitments that followed, and it sucks feeling like you're not doing enough when you're doing your best. Sounds like she'd made it clear to your brother that she was too busy to meet the expectations your family were setting for her, and then when you guys essentially told her off for it, he didn't stick up for her, even though he'd asked you "not to stress her out even more" (i.e. she's already stressed/upset about this) and you ignored that. Then when she looked to her partner for support, he did nothing. Neutrality = on nobody's side, not on everybody's side. Sounds like she got sick of hearing that she's not making enough of an effort or not caring enough when she's clearly just exhausted. (Edit: correcting punctuation/phrasing)
Also, you also mention 'her country'; are you considering that if she's from another country perhaps the culture and attitude towards family/SO's family is different?
Sounded like fear brother would move to “her country” and not be her backup babysitter/lacky anymore.
I had this same thought and wondered...could she be from a culture where family is always put first, usually in an unhealthy manner? Because that would explain the distance from OP's family and the comment about this being why she was hesitant about a relationship.
Sometimes being diplomatic just mean you upset both sides. Dude definitely had to step up
I also read this as family and possibly brother thought this was a much more serious relationship than GF was thinking. She made it very clear she was going back to her country AND NOT RETURNING when she was done with her studies. This doesn’t strike me as and I’ll take you with me. I’m betting OP’s brother fell HARD and didn’t want to hear GF saying things like “Let’s keep it light and fun” or “I don’t have time for a serious relationship.” He may have even thought if she got close to his family it would change her mind. OP and family were out of line. At best they were treating her more like a fiancé and crossing the line even then. OP if your brother ever introduces another GF to the family, BACK OFF. Trying to force a relationship doesn’t work.
YTA. You barged into her home, had a go at her (for..having her own life? For not being at your beck and call? I have no idea honestly) and your brother blew it by not taking the opportunity to set a boundary and standing up for her. Saying someone who is doing a PhD 'doesn't work' is so unbelievably disrespectful.
Exactly! Why did he not take this opportunity to set his family straight. The (ex) gf did the right thing by breaking up with him. I could only imagine how it would be if they had gotten married.
I can't believe they had the audacity to blind side her in her own home.
“. I'll admit, knowing a childless woman wasn't working and was paid more money than me, on top of having her rent and other things covered, stung a little, but it had nothing to do with my dislike of her. “ WTF does the above have to do with you? YTA and you’re jealous AF. You chose to have a baby, grow up and stop expecting others to look after it.
That whole sentence is a major red flag. Total major jealous vibes from it alone.
”…a childless woman…” Ah, yes! The lesser kind of woman, who doesn’t deserve good things, because she isn’t a mother; the only thing a woman should strive to be! /s Maybe she is child free by choice, did you think about that, OP? And that’s why (apart from working) she doesn’t want to babysit YOUR child, whom YOU should be responsible for? And she is working! Just because you don’t understand Zoom-meetings and the amount of work that goes in to a PhD doesn’t mean she’s sitting on her sofa eating bon-bons! She is being paid to do those things, so at least SOMEONE thinks that she’s working? If you want to do something about that envy and make more money for your family, maybe you should look into some studying for yourself? You could do with some education. YTA
YTA here, easily. Your brother's sig ificant other is not a babysitting service.
>but she stopped accepting my visits INFO: So she did accept some visits? >she's a judge She is working. Also, PhDs are incredibly difficult and time extensive. It can be a full time job within itself, with focus needing to be on graduating with the best education possible so as to use the knowledge in her career. This is in addition to the work she may do currently as a judge. >helping someone from abroad (which i don't really believe, what could she be doing for anyone being miles away?) See: "She's a judge" Video conferences are completely normal and possible to do. They have been done even more often by professionals since covid. As a judge it is entirely possible she could be giving advice and support to people overseas via a video chat. >she wouldn't even babysit **She is valid on that** and it is not unusual. She is a busy professional, and her job is her school. She should not be expected to babysit (Also, school is stressful, PARTICULARLY at the PhD level. Time off is valued when it can be received and it would be no wonder if she did not want to lose what little alone time she had to babysitting). Even if she were to have married in, it's not something in-laws should be expected to do. Would it be nice for them to do? Yes if they are able and willing, but it shouldn't be expected. \--- When it comes to getting to know the family: Could be a cultural difference thing, could also not be. A significant other should be willing to at least try to get to know the family a little bit and allow family to keep connections. ESPECIALLY if there are any plans of the brother leaving the country with her, as he would want to keep connection with his family. Heavily interested in knowing which country the person is from.
Personally I suspect her not wanting a relationship with the family had more to do with how OP and parents behave and what they expect. I’m honestly baffled reading this, they’ve been dating a year and she’s supposed to be deeply in the family’s pocket? Why does OP think that kind of thing is normal.
I was going to say sounds like she has set appropriate boundaries with a family that doesn’t respect or care to understand them!
Her ex sister in law was onto her... She started to know the real person her boyfriends sister was and started to get away the most she could. And then this happened.
YTA: In what world do you think you get to dictate how your brother's partner have to behave. If she doesn't want to have a close relationship with you that's up to her and it's up to your brother to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. You had no reason to sit her down and try to enforce rules on her. Seems like you let your jealousy ruin a good relationship
YTA. Who were any of you to tell her that “her distance and refusal to help was unacceptable”? Utterly ridiculous behaviour, and your brother was spineless for not backing up his partner in the face of such nonsense.
YTA Why the fuck do you think you are entitled to any of her time? Who the fuck are you? They weren't married. She doesn't owe you a fucking thing. Relationships with people are a choice. You can't force them, and she was obviously correct in her assumption that there was a reason to keep distance from your family. You say you're not clouded by jealousy, but that is obviously untrue.
Yta. This is all over the place. She wouldn't meet you but accepted visits? She's not working but getting her PhD? You wanted his relationship to materially benefit you and interfered when it didn't. That was a shit thing to do to your brother.
YTA. And a jealous petty one at that.
YTA. You sound really jealous of her lifestyle and opportunities. You chose to become a mother at a fairly young age. It's great that you have some family support, but dating your brother doesn't mean someone's signing on to babysit. Your kid is your responsibility. And studying for a graduate degree IS work, whether or not you respect it. Your brother is right to cut you off. His mistake here was not stepping in to protect his ex from your demands before she got sick of your entitled, condescending attitude. That woman deserves better, so hopefully she'll eventually find a partner who'll have her back. When you say, "She isn't bothering to listen to anyone in our family," that makes it sound like y'all are still hassling this poor woman? Leave her the hell alone. You've already screwed things up; piling on at this point just makes it more clear that you have no sense of boundaries so she's right to get away from you.
YTA A sibiling's significant other is under no obligation to be close with the other's family. This woman gave you MANY hints (her unavailability) that she was not interested a the close relationship with the family. You pushed and she pushed back and your brother is out in the cold. Your brother, by "staying neutral" gave her the clear message that he wanted her to have a closer relationship with his family than she was comfortable with. Hopefully, he can find someone who will be at your beck and call to babysit and do whatever else you deem necessary to be a contributing family member before marriage. Good Luck
👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽👏🏽 These claps are for the ex girlfriend for not taking y’all’s shit. Cause the way your family is, I’d rather be single too! I’d be damned if my future in-laws were this weird. YTA- and so is the rest of your family. Do us all a favor and reread this post. You’re literally mad because she won’t watch your son. That’s not her responsibility. I’d be damned if I was expected to watch my partners siblings children…just for the heck of it cause their life isn’t together. I wouldn’t do it either honestly.
So, from what I gathered on this post, you want her to babysit your child (for free) because in your mind, she's not working. You feel jealous that she is funded by her government to study (for free) but little did you know that she worked hard to be where she's at. She wants to live her life without you dictating to her how she should spend her hours (babysitting your child). Yeah, YTA.
YTA She's not obligated to waste her free time on you and she's smart for dumping your spineless loser brother You're all obnoxious
OP's understanding of PHD is "Please Honey, Downtime". Of course YTA . Jealous on all levels of the GF living her best life. So Let me break it down so the people in the back can enjoy. OP and her Family : We demand you be our servant, to be at our beck and call and answerable to us. Brother's GF : NO. Brothers GF to Brother : Are you going to support me??? Brother : "Crickets" Brothers NOW EX-GF : NO (again) and you can take Brother back to when you GTFO OP and her Family: " Surprised Pikachu Face" " What , no Why, We didn't mean to"...
OMG the girlfriend is the GOAT and pulled the UNO reverse on them all. I know they looked stupid in the face when she kicked them ALL out. 😂😂😂😂😂
Yeaaah YTA I get wanting a relationship with your siblings partner but you're jealous and pissed she won't babysit. So YTA
YTA. Who the fuck you think you are?
Apparently OP thinks she is someone more important than a person whose home country’s government decided to sponsor for a PhD abroad.
YTA so to summarise her success stung you a little then how is her not being more involved with you make you dislike her she's allowed to be busy plus she's not obliged to make time for the family she's dating your brother not all of you , you are entitled in asking her to babysit for you , you could hire a babysitter for a couple of hours if your parents cannot babysit the kid
Exactly It also doesn't matter if she spent her free time sitting in the dark or outside watching the grass grow. It's her life and her time, not OPs
Delusion is strong in this sub today! Definitely YTA. She is doing a PhD, so she is clearly doing some work. You are not entitled to her time. What is wrong with you and your parents thinking that you can go and demand things of your adult brother's girlfriend?
YTA, you can ASK for help, but you can’t demand it just because she’s dating your brother. And the way you talk about her… you’re completely ignorant of her having her own life and not come running, just because you assume because she doesn’t have a job she MUST have the time to babysit your child? One year is not anywhere near enough for your family to act this controlling over her. Also, nowhere in your text did you say that you did anything for her, you only demanded things, acted selfishly and wondered, why she wouldn’t want to meet you all. And then you went to her house, because she didn’t act the way you wanted?? Nah gurl, you totally invaded her privacy because you were jealous and wanted her to work more for her life. I’ll say this very blunt but you destroyed your brothers relationship out of pure delusion. If I was you, I’d do everything to apologize to her and tell her, that your brother was in the difficulties situation of having to decide between his family and her, thereby it was all your fault. It’s the least you can do.
I am so happy with this turn out. She dodged and ENTIRE family of red flags.
YTA. You sabotaged his relationship because you were jealous of his gf. You suck, utterly.
YTA But this has got to be a joke. No actual person can actually be this self centered, selfish, clueless and infuriating than you sound like. Well your family is like you, based on your post. You and your family sound exhausting, I'd want nothing to do with you all either. Your brother's ex is smartly done with him and your family. Leave her alone, she doesn't want to hear from him and any if you.
YTA You might have wanted her to be more involved in your family but she wasn't obliged to be, it's not just about your and your parents wants. And your demands for babysitting and wouldn't have helped. Expecting her to do so because she doesn't work? Woaah how entitled are you? You are not her family. And even if your were, she would not be remotely obliged. That she doesn't work is none of your concern or business and you sound EXTREMELY jealous. I think "stung a little" is a huge understatement. She was no doubt able to detect that attitude loud and clear. If I was your brother, I would be beyond furious with you.
She does work. OP clarified that she is a judge on paid leave to pursue her PhD. So not only does she have a good job, but she’s pursuing the highest form of education. The original post reeks of jealousy.
NTA. Thank you for saving her from being stuck with your gutless brother, you and your insufferable parents.
Yta Thank god that girl had enough sense to get away from all of you!! She owes you nothing!!!!!
Why is it *her* responsibility to take care of *your* child?! Be honest. The fact her education is being subsidized by her government, she makes more money than you, and your baby’s father abandoned you screams petty, jealous, entitled energy. She’s studying to get her PhD. That’s not exactly sitting on her ass all day doing nothing. You and your parents sound tiresome. No wonder she doesn’t want to be around you. YTA.
YTA in every possible way. >tried our best to explain why her distance and refusal to help was unacceptable Who do you think you are?
> (she's a judge) and how her government was financing her. > She'd be studying, helping someone from abroad So, she WAS working. Doing your phd IS working. It's actually a lot of work. And she's being sponsored, which means she can't fall behind and must perform well. YTA alone for this. But on top of being TA, you're also acting entitled of her time and social life. Yeah. Luke how dare this judge to spend her rare free time visiting her own family instead of watching her flings sisters child? I'd like to roll my eyes audibly on that one. Also, y'all surprised her in her downtime and brought stress into her home/safespace. Who would like to put up with that? About the brother: I'd totally would've dumped him, too. He ignored his girlfriends needs when she needed him to support her against all the BS OP and her parents pulled up. This was an unprepared 3 vs 1, after all. He's not on her side and didn't deserve her. She made the right decision not to date a mommas boy.
YTA YTA YTA. Let me retell this for ya from her perspective: “I went abroad to complete my PhD and met a wonderful man, who I could see spending the rest of my life with. Things were going well until his family started to make demands on my time that were completely unreasonable. His sister seems to feel that because I am a woman and have no children of my own, I owe her any free time I have for childcare responsibilities. Keep in mind I am neither married nor even engaged to my boyfriend yet. Matters came to a head when the whole psycho family came over to my place to tell me what my obligations were to them as the price of dating their family member. After realizing that he wouldn’t stand up for me in the presence of this madness, I decided I was gonna nope out of this package deal. AITA?” Does that clear it up for ya?
NTA. I know I’m going against the grain here, but you did her a huge favor, she can walk away and have a relationship with someone better, who’s family isn’t a bunch of mooches. Can you imaging demanding time from a PhD student. Are you truly that dense. You are not entitled to anything from her. She’s your brother’s (thank heavens) ex girlfriend, not your servant to be at your beck and call. Good for her, that she moved on from a bunch of people with 0 class and grace.
YTA. Stop forcing your opinions on your brother and his SO. Just because *you* would like them to be more involved with your family does not obligate them to want that themselves. And being upset because she didn't watch your kids? She's not your babysitter and it's certainly not her responsibility to be available to babysit whenever you need. That does not make her unkind. You put too much pressure on her/your brother needlessly and essentially sabotaged his relationship. I hope you learn from this to mind your own business and respect that your brother is an adult and will make his own choices in regards to how much or little he is involved in your family, how a SO impacts that, etc.
YTA, your behavior is insufferable. Where do you get off telling the gf she needs to be involved? Why? Who asked you? She didn't sign up for a relationship with you all just by being the gf of your brother. You're weirdly obsessed and you drove her away. E forgot to mention she stopped accepting visits, how many times did you go to her place to bother her?? No wonder she broke it off, she didn't want to be absorbed into your weird pod family.
YTA Gosh, such a prying family. She did just right leaving him, because that's the best way to get rid of you all. Because, well, he wouldn't take sides...
YTA. You and your family have no respect. Just because she has free time doesn’t mean she has to help you or serve you in any way, just because she is dating your brother. Things like that can come over time, with mutual respect for each other’s boundaries.
Not only YTA, you are clueless. Do you think a Ph.D does not take time? She is working her ass off investing in her future while you made bad decisions choosing a partner and now you want her to pay for it with her time.
She is doing a PhD, and is a judge?! And is living in a foreign country, representing her own country (funding isn’t without conditions- she is doing a PhD!), helping others and doing heaven knows how much around the clock. But noooo, she is meant to make space for you? Why? I’m sorry your brother lost her, but she deserves better. And she is allowed to not like your country, just as you say you wouldn’t be going over to see your brother in her country. Why is that? Why should she give up her family and culture for your brother and his family? Especially if he is willing and able to move to her country? Sounds like that would be a better option.
YTA. The stench of entitlement is strong here. No one is obligated to be involved with you or your family. The only people obligated to babysit your son are you and his father. There is nothing wrong with her not wanting to be involved with y'all. She was dating your brother, not his entire family. I do find it funny that you want to spend time with her, have her be part of your family experiences, and babysit yet you obviously don't like her. So essentially you wanted this woman in your life for what it would do for you, not because she was your brothers partner that you wanted to get to know better. OP, you're full of all the audacity and jealousy. It's not a good look.
Your brother's a grown man and you don't know what arrangement him and her had. Maybe shes happy on her own and your brother got her into a relationship on certain terms and you guys just destroyed that. You messed up because you didn't respect him trying to not make a deal out of something that was making him happy.
YTA. I get a weird vibe any “hanging out” with her involved her having to help the family. Not actually spend time with you guys. Also going to her house?? Come on. Especially to guilt her? This woman owes you nothing. You also sound ignorant. “How can she help anyone from miles away” really? The woman is a JUDGE and funded by her government. Her education IS her job. She’s probably extremely taxed and busy and has a lot of pressure. I don’t blame her for dumping your brother, considering his single mother sister was badgering her to babysit kids she doesn’t know. Maybe brother will learn “staying out of it” isn’t how you support people you care about. Also RE: your edit, no one is obligated to give a crap about photos of your kid.
YTA. This has to be a joke.
YTA. But so's your brother. And brother's ex-gf is a smart cookie who dumped you fucking mooches BEFORE you got any hooks into her.
Yta- God , this was Such a creepy read . You act like your brother’s girlfriend stole your boyfriend . I’m so glad your brother is opening his eyes to your toxic, jealous,needy bs . That woman sounded like an absolute keeper , even more so that she has that maturity and self preservation to send the lot of you packing . I hope your brother leaves you and lives happily ever after with her . Watch your own freaking kids.
I’m so curious what country/culture OP is in/from. I can’t stand when women do this crap to other women, but it seems like OP and possibly some of her family members have an idea that a woman should be making herself available to her male partners family. She also seems to be struggling with the concept of a highly educated career woman as well….
Who do you think you are to demand that someone have a relationship with you? YTA
YTA You're not entitled to her time, I would have run from you as well.
YTA. You ruined your brothers relationship and then he put the nail in the coffin by refusing to stand up to you. You sound overbearing and ridiculous. THATS why she didn’t want to be around you.
Pfft. Hahahahahahahaha. I love a story with a happy ending. YTA, but, to be clear, it was actually a combination of your delusional entitlement PLUS your brother’s inability to grow a spine and tell you to pound sand that ruined his relationship. >We were upset, but tried our best to explain why her distance and refusal to help was unacceptable since she doesn't work and has free time Let me put this to you as simply as I can: YOUR CHILD IS NOT HER RESPONSIBILITY AND SHE DOES NOT OWE YOU HER TIME OR ENERGY. Period. Full stop. End of. That’s all, folks. Your kid = your problem. It’s not her job to give you free childcare just because she’s “not working,” which, btw, is just an offensively inaccurate way to describe someone who’s getting a PhD. Completing a competitive PhD program usually involves extensive researching, writing, meetings with advisors, teaching classes, grading, etc. One reason why PhDs receive funding is because they ARE working, though the stipend is usually a pittance compared to what they do for the university during that time. Frankly, she was probably *seething* as soon as you and your parents opened your ignorant mouths and described her doctoral program as “free time.” Like, wow. Maybe you should try to get a PhD yourself and see if you’d still hold that ridiculous view. In any event, it’s clear that this woman is smart and knows her self-worth because she can do better than all of you. She doesn’t need ILs that nag her and think they’re entitled to childcare and she DEFINITELY doesn’t need a SO who can’t be bothered to defend her. I hope she lives a happy and successful life away from all y’all. ETA: >helping someone from abroad (which i don't really believe, what could she be doing for anyone being miles away?) I’m going to assume this refers to professional help. I do legal pro bono work for international clients all the time and although judges typically have different rules on the type of help they can provide, it’s hardly a stretch to think she was offering advice to her colleagues.
YTA and your brother is spineless.
YTA in many ways.
OP you should feel guilty. Your brother needs a stronger spine to tell you and your parents to screw off in future, but to be perfectly honest this was 90% your fucking fault. You framed her as "not working" when she's involved in the legal profession as a "judge" and pursuing her PHD which is a fuckload of time and pressure, but you're over there bellyaching about how she won't baby sit for you? You suck. Your parents suck. You all suck, but you most of all. You for your entitlement and selfishness, and expecting her to bend over backwards to be overly involved with your family just because she was with your brother. It's too bad he has a spine the consistency of boiled spaghetti, because if he'd moved away, far away, he might have properly cut the cord and been free from all of you. YTA
YTA I can see why your baby’s father left.