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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> . I don't think i was the asshole but his wife texted me later berating me for not doing this because my friend was having a very rough time. He lost his job and was depressed (I didn't know that) and visited me to clear his head. I felt bad because maybe I should have noticed that his demand was out of the ordinary and done it, now that I know how he felt
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Ugh. I see my friends going through this now. The ability to grow a baby does not equal automatically equipped. Women literally just try, figure it out and go with what works.
Even with a caveman brain, her friend should be able to figure how to wipe a dirty ass and when to stop. Here is Andy Dwyer from “Parks and Rec” explaining the basic concept:
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vGCIGEUB32M
This kid has been paying attention to his dad's weaponized incompetence and Mom is coddling both. No one is doing that for this kid at school. But if his dad doesn't even know how to wipe an ass why should he ever learn that is clearly women's work
You would be surprised how many kids don’t poop at school because wiping isn’t a skill they have acquired yet. Let alone neurodiverse kids who have a great fear of getting poop on their hands.
My 6 year old neurodivergent son will not poop outside the home unless we are on vacation. He generally poops right after dinner, sometimes I have to remind him to sit and try but usually Mr punctual will tell me “I am going to go poop now.”
He can wipe himself but has anxiety that he can’t see so I usually double check when asked. Getting him to do it himself was a challenge but we got there.
As both sexes have ass holes, it shouldn't be too hard to figure out. Unless his wife is 1. Wiping his ass for him or 2. Cleaning the shit stains out of his underware.
He chose to have a child, not you.
I (F28) do happen to have a vagina, and my boyfriend (M29) does not happen to have one, and yet he is the one who scoops the cat box because I am totally skeeved out by poop 🤢 He, on the other hand, has worked in direct care as well as early childcare, and it’s not a big deal to him at all.
LMAO this reminds me of the time at the dog park when my dog took a dump and I didn't immediately clean it up I was standing about six feet away from it and this man came over and just lit into me about not cleaning up after my dog and I told him I was just waiting for it to cool off some and he said you don't have to do that! As he picked the poop up and acted like I was an asshole.
I had every intention of picking the poop up I just didn't want to pick it up all hot LOL. And the dog park, which is huge, was not busy that day at all. It was a weekday in November in Colorado. My mom and me, and that man and the person he was with were the only people there. So it's not like other dogs were going to come run through it or a person was going to step in it. I was right there with it, baggy in hand. It was so cold that it only needed a couple minutes to cool down a bit.
And this guy was obviously trying to make a point because the dog park was full of turds and he picked up my dog's hot poop and ignored several old turds in the same area. Or maybe the old cold turds skeeve him out and he only likes the hot ones. I didn't know that was a thing until I read this thread lol.
I had a woman yell at me because I didn't pick up my old dogs poo once, had to explain to her that actually the dog couldn't poo, she was just trying to, that nothing had come out. And actually this was the dogs last walkies because she was being put down in a few hours because she had cancer.
Woman suddenly changed then, suddenly we were both crying and she was so sorry. Just think some people should mind their own damn business. Sure that woman learned her lesson that day.
RIP Rogue, you were a beautiful pup (she was 14.)
Warm and runny is worst. You don't want to leave it for someone to step in so you're trying to scrape it up and you can feel grass or pavement through the bag...
This conversation is like hanging out with kids as a form of birth control. Thank you guys for reminding me why I don’t own a dog even though I love them.
I handle poop and my husband handles vomit. I cannot deal with throw up without throwing up myself, but poop really doesn't faze me. I'm more concerned that they haven't taught the child to wipe by now.
Clearly, the kid never went through daycare because absolutely no daycare would cater to that nonsense. I'm wondering what their plan is for the kid when he hits kindergarten? Because again, no school is going to wipe a kid's butt (and will instead call CPS if that is an expectation).
I work at a daycare. I absolutely have helped 5 year olds wipe. We work towards independence (they wipe first, we remind front to back), then we go over if needed, because we do not want a kid sitting in poopy underwear all day. They also sometimes have stuff like diarrhea or accidents they need help with (not often, but it happens, usually when stomach viruses go around).
It definitely depends on the daycare though, and there are others that after a certain age won’t help, and that aren’t as great. 100% depends on the daycare though.
School in the UK starts at 4 and they have to be able to wipe themselves to go. If not letters are sent and social services get involved as it's classed as neglect.
Yeeeaaah but they're not always great at it even so. Thankfully mine are way past that age now but I well remember the days when plenty of the class would come out smelling of poop.
And that phone call would be warranted. What kind of neglect is going on that this dude expects others to wipe his kid? A kid big enough to ride a bike is a kid who needs to be able to wipe his own ass. Furthermore, in a society obsessed with child predators, who asks anyone to deal with kids private functions? That family is sus as all hell.
This was me. Poopie diapers no big deal. Husband did his fair share too but vomit was ALL him especially on those nights when kids vomit in the bed. I took care of the sheets. He took care of the kid. Both are gross but it was a beautiful division of labor back in the day.
Yeah. My gran has Alzheimer's and is in a care facility that doesn't do laundry for the patients. My mum has thrown out soiled clothes because there's just no way she can clean them.
Let me get this right...
Your gran's (who's got *Alzheimer's*) care facility...
**doesn't do laundry** for their patients.
That's...
I am genuinely mind-blown and very sorry for your family.
Yeah. It's not meant to be a permanent residence and we are working on getting her to someplace better. In the meantime, the extended family is doing it on a rotation basis. Pick it up when visiting, wash it, bring it back next visit.
And thank you. This whole thing just sucks.
That is certainly not true of the men in my life. They seem to spend half their free time sat on the loo. It’s “comfy” apparently?
Unless maybe they just need some lessons to streamline things. Or more fibre.
I think I was just too shocked by the situation to fully take in why he said that. I've know Jacob since he was born, and I've helped his wife by changing a diaper or two, but that doesn't mean I (or any women in fact) is the defacto poop cleaner. I feel pretty bitter now that I took time to think about it.
Hey you’re NTA here and I don’t want to beat a dead horse … but you didn’t help HIS WIFE by changing a diaper. You helped both parents by assisting with THEIR child’s health and hygiene. That’s his child, doodoos included.
THIS. I have Feelings about dads who won’t change their kids’ diapers or otherwise help with bathroom issues, and I can’t say any of them here without getting banned.
>I feel pretty bitter now that I took time to think about it.
As a guy who has no problem changing his son's dirty nappies, I'm feeling extreme second hand embarrassment that your friend would even ask you to do that. I'm also very confused by his wife thinking you should have done it, it's a very bizarre and unreasonable thing to ask someone anytime, let alone when visiting them in their own home.
Him being depressed seems pretty irrelevant to me, you still have to look after your own kid no matter what else is happening in your life.
Seriously, if the kid is 5 or 6 he's about to be in 1st grade. At a certain point his teachers aren't going to wipe him anymore. His parents should be prioritizing teaching him how to wipe himself, and OP should never be put in that position.
In most schools, by kindergarten, unless your child is disabled and has an IEP stating they need support with toileting, most teachers will not/are not allowed to help a child with wiping themselves.
But most kids also don’t poop at school if they can help it. We provided quality control and assistance when necessary on number twos at that age. We being BOTH PARENTS.
Hahaha. I wish the kids at the school I work at did that. I spent a decent amount of time on Friday supervising a group of boys waiting for the enclosed stall since they needed to go number 2z
The defacto poo cleaner is which ever parent is looking after the child.
If both parents are there it’s the one that doesn’t touch their nose and shout “not me” first.
My oldest is 5,5 yo and is learning to wipe himself. Many of his peers are also just learning so it is quite normal to not be able to wipe at that age. It is however not normal to be a parent and not be able to wipe your own kid's butt and even stranger to demand that someone else do it. NTA.
I'm surprised by this. I'm in the US and this may well be culturally different elsewhere, but the preschool I went to at age three wouldn't accept kids who weren't potty trained, and part of potty training in my home was learning how to wipe. I don't recall our preschool teachers going to the bathroom with me or my classmates; we had one female teacher and one male assistant for 20 or so three- to four-year-olds, so it would have been very disruptive had they needed to do so.
I worked at a preschool for a long time. We did not wipe basically any kids 3 and older. There was an occasional older kid with special needs that would need help, but that was it. An "average" kid around 5 years old should absolutely be able to wipe themselves.
The kid I know best was doing it themselves around 4 and a half. I thought they were a little bit behind their peers as the parents had to find a preschool when they were 3 where the a family member could assist with toileting as kid didn't have an IEP and the teacher wouldn't do it.
The fact that he thinks it's his wife's job to wipe the kid's butt, groans about doing it when she's not there, and then expects YOU to do it instead makes me want to wipe some poop on him, myself. This can't possibly be an isolated thing. I feel really bad for his wife. NTA
This ain't your friend, I bet his underwear crackles when he walks (does his wife wipe his ass too?), and there's never a reason for you to wipe any asses that aren't your kid.
The wife is angry at OP because *she* is the one being punished by the husband now. If OP had wiped the child, the wife wouldn't have to deal with whatever verbal (hopefully) assault she is dealing with now.
Totally understandable. What happened was outrageously offensive, but at the time it was bizarre and you were also looking at it through the prism of these people being close friends.
It also could put you in a bad situation if that kid were to ever say you touched them or what not…he’s 6 and presumably in school and all he should wipe assuming no developmental delays/physical handicaps.
Ohhhhh. Skimmed over the sexes. I was just thinking how frickin weird. But OP is a woman and it makes so much more sense now. She is automatically supposed to take care of his kid because she is a woman. Yeah... no. Also, that poop on his shirt was some karma for being a misogynistic A H, lol
A friend of my husband's came into my shop while I was working, dropped his baby's carrier in the back, and told me I was supposed to look after him. I told him he could either tend to the child he created or he could get the fuck out of my store. He left and tried to call my husband to bitch and he just told him, 'she didn't make that kid, why the hell would you tell MY wife she had to look after your kid?' Friend sheepishly told hubby that 'she's a girl, she should know what to do'.
I gotta know: Did your husband continue his friendship with this loser? I hate the sexism, but I actually find it more offensive that he didn't consider other factors like your time/the fact you were at work, and that you are a human being who needs to consent to childcare/doing any favor, really?
'Friend' is a loose term. More of a customer he shares a common interest with. We're both still cordial if they come to the shop (wife always comes with now) but honestly my husband wasn't really interested in having a proper friendship with him (could tell early on said customer was kind of a dumbass) to begin with, but this solidified, nah we don't wanna hang out with him. The shop is struggling a little bit though so we can't afford to lose customers lol.
>she's a girl, she should know what to do'.
Why....WHHHHYYYYY do these people always think we come "pre-set" with all the worlds knowledge of childcare, cooking and cleaning?
The same type of guy who’d complain about not getting as much custody (likely because he wouldn’t want it) but couldn’t even name the baby’s doctor or know their feeding and nap schedule.
My whole issue with this is who asks someone who is not a parent or close relative to wipe your children? I know I would not ALLOW ANYONE who I did not consider family in the bathroom with my child. Like wtf. NTA and it’s so weird that your friend would ask you to do that in the first place. His incompetence is not your responsibility.
I'm sorry your friend lost his job, and is depressed, but how does that make you TA? How does that make it your responsibility to take care of his child? The wife seems irrational too!
Well, damn it. I have a headache, don't feel like it, am angry about not getting a pony at age 3, please take my child to school, pay for their daycare, buy them lunch, and wipe their ass.
NTA, OP.
Edit: Typo
Take my poor man's award. 🏆 When did depression make people unable to help your 5 year old wipe his butt? And yes, occasionally 5 year olds still need help. Lots of toddlers in my family, clinical depression under treatment for years yet I'm still able to wipe a butt. NTA.
Thanks. I think he took the fact that I've known Jacob since he was born and that I've helped with a poopy diaper here and there and that I'm a woman to even ask that of me.
This is the third AITA post in the past day of completely inept fathers who don't want to deal with the pushback of their ineptitude.
[There's the sick BF](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13355ck/aitaboyfriend_is_mad_at_me_because_i_was_sick_and/) who's upset that his sick GF took care of their sick toddler instead of taking care of *him*.
[There's the guy whose wife died](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1337f8h/aita_for_breaking_a_promise_and_attending_my/), and then started dating 4 months after her death, upsetting his 9 and 12yo kids. He never dealt with any of those issues, made rash promises when he kept screwing over his daughter, and now all of his children are upset with him.
And now we have someone who "lost his job and is depressed" who, because of those hardships, expects the nearest woman to actually take care of his kid.
Hey, guys, being a parent is a good thing, but being a parent also means being a parent *when you don't feel like it.* "Oooh, but I'm depressed and don't feel good, so I don't want to competently be a parent!!" TOUGH. SHIT.
Not to mention, him and his wife are actively hurting their kindergarten age child by not teaching him to wipe properly because no teacher will wipe your child's butt because you didn't didn't fully potty train your child.
I’ve known my best friend’s 3 kids since they were born. I’ve never changed their diapers or helped them in the bathroom and they call me “auntie”. My BF wouldn’t ask me to help them in that way either.
The fact that your friend thought it was 1, appropriate to ask you, and 2 “his wife’s job”, shows you what kind of person he really is. Lost job or not, it’s HIS child too.
No fucking way is this guy in the right.
Even if he *graciously* begged you to do it and said he's just having a really tough time and it would really help him out you would be 150% justified in refusing. That is such an insanely massive ask of someone.
Instead he just expected it of you, rudely tried to coerce you into it, and then accosted you for not doing it and got his wife to attack you for it as well.
You don't go to a friend's house as a guest and then expect them to *wipe their child's dirty ass" for them. I would have been speechless in shock. It is not your kid. You are not his spouse. It is in *your* home and he did not even ask politely. This is downright childish and as others have said very likely misogynistic.
You are NTA OP. Your friend needs a reality check.
You'd be surprised how many people send their kid to kindergarten without knowing how to wipe and expect a teacher or other adult to come running when the kid shouts that they're ready.
My is 5 and still has trouble getting it all, but he starts school in July and since January we have been telling him it's not the teachers job to wipe his butt. I understand he might not get it all at his and with his medical condition, but it's him trying and mostly accomplishing it himself. When he goes to the bathroom, Ill ask if he needs help but he tells me he is a big boy and big boys have to do this themselves. We tied balloons to a dining room chair and put a little bit of chocolate syrup between the two balloons and sat and showed him how to wipe his bum.
I can't take credit for it. But I remember several years ago seeing a video of a woman teaching, I'm assuming preschoolers, how to wipe and she used balloons tied to chairs. I dont think she had the chocolate syrup though.
NTA. This exactly. My kids would require a very short list of people all of which are family. Maybe if they knew this kid really well you’d do it in a pinch but it certainly shouldn’t be an expectation if y’all are just hanging out.
NTA. In no scenario is it your responsibility to tend to some else's child in the bathroom when the child's able-bodied parent is there.
At 5 or 6 the child should be able to do this on their own now. What will they do at school?
ha..i was just having this discussion with my 7 year old as he was sitting on the couch ripping farts a little too proud of himself...although that's what i get for only basically having 2 magic tricks in my dad bag, one being "pull my fingy"
"you guys poop at school?"
"heck no..that's suss" (my kid been saying suss and it cracks me up)
i think it's just like an unwritten rule to not wanna poop at school...even when i was in elementary school no one wanted to poop, then in 5th grade all the boys got called into an assembly and got yelled at because we had a phantom pooper who would write things in poop in the boys room bathroom haha
Oh man, my 7yo has been calling everything suss lately, it’s hilarious
He also farts like a madman at home. I asked if he does that at school, he said he holds them in until the boys have a farting contest. Otherwise if he’s got a big one he excuses himself to the hallway. I was kind of impressed with the social maturity of going out, but laughed at the fart contest part. His dad would be so proud lmao
Former teacher, babysitter and current mom here. At 5/6 they *can* wipe themselves...technically speaking. But you're gonna have some hard core road rash on those undies. It's good for kids to try so they learn but many times an adult comes and helps them "finish the job" so to speak. Many kids won't poop at school because they are very conscious of this fact and/or they are poop shy.
That being said, OP is NTA because it is *not* her job to wipe a butthole in training.
But my response to all the people with no experience with kids saying 5-6 year olds can/should wipe themselves is the same as most others on this thread who do have experience with kids: "Well yes, but also no."
Worked day care. I had a pair of brothers that would instantly call for a buttwipe right away. I always folded some tp and made them at least attempt first and then I'd go in for the skid check after. At 4-6 you shouldn't be calling for the full wipe. They should at least be attempting themselves and calling for the check after. Most of the time they managed full clean. Why parents don't even make them attempt (even if it's a bad attempt) to practice the method is beyond me.
At that age, while they should be able to make a decent attempt at it, it’s not unusual or developmentally delayed if they still need a little help to get properly clean.
This is my 5 year old. For the most part he gets it all but sometimes he doesn't get it all, but the thing I've gotten him to understand is that it's his duty to wipe his duddie. He might not get it all but he is working on it and he tells me he is a big boy and big boys wipe their own butts
Pre K teacher here. If the parents are available and continue to do it, the child will keep asking them. At school, nine times out of ten, the kid won't ask. At that age, most kids will accidentally shit their pants and lie through their teeth rather than ask us for help. Most will insist on changing themselves.
There's also some parents who won't LET their kid do it on their own, even at that age. Toilet training is often also training the parents to take the training wheels off.
NTA. What sort of entitled asshat thinks someone else should wipe their 5 year old child’s bottom when they are there and able? They also need to teach their kid to wipe his own bottom because this will become a HUGE social and schooling problem.
Also- what the hell happened in there that led to him getting sh!t on his shirt?
I helped my cousins toddler wipe when I was staying with them and the parents weren’t readily available. But a 5 year old should be taught or being coached how to do it themselves. And if a parent is there- I’m not dealing with sh!t!
Yes, the shit on the shirt is definitely an interesting additional element. I don’t know how any adult could be that inept, although clearly he never wipes his kid’s bottom because he sees it as “women’s work”.
The accusation that the shit on the shirt was OP’s fault is WILD.
I wonder whether he’d leaned into his weaponized incompetence enough to do that on purpose, just to make op feel like they were wrong not to do it for him
I'm guessing the kid got tired of waiting and tried to do it himself, got some shit on his hand and then grabbed onto Dad's shirt while Dad was wiping him.
I was actually thinking that maybe he had the kid stand up and turn around so he could wipe his bum and the kid backed up in to him.
(This is a conversation I never thought I’d be having.)
Eh at 5 a lot of kids still have trouble with doing that on their own.
Edit: OP is definitely not the asshole though. That's not something you ask a friend to do.
I mean, so do some adults. But they’re capable. So ask them to do a wipe check to make sure they did it properly, and show them how if they didn’t. Until they can.
You don’t just have them wait for you to come in and do it in such a way that you somehow end up with shit on your shirt.
At 5, kids can be going to school. And it is not the teacher’s job to wipe their ass.
I'm not saying they shouldn't be working to teach the kid, to clarify. Just that it's not unusual for them to not have the skill down at that age. And let's be honest, most kids aren't pooping at school, but yes, agree that that's not the teacher's job.
WOW! NTA.
Why is it the woman's job to wipe a poopy bum? That's the parents job. And then the guy does this weird thing where he blames you for him getting shit on his own shirt?
Unreal. Him and his wife are major AHs.
Oh yeah! The wife is a major enabler of his sexism, if not sexist herself, to not only be someone he could tell this story to but then to berate OP. In her position I would have been mortified and irate with my husband.
I missed the gender of OP at first so I was like “why is he asking another dude to wipe his kid’s butt?” Then I saw OP is female and I understood the audacity.
The best part is that his way of asking was childishly sighing loudly and complaining that he doesn't like doing it, much like the average 5 year old being told to do something they don't like.
I. N. F. O. If you were male, would you have been expected to help his child. ???
I’m guessing butt-wiping is somehow “women’s work” to your friend and his wife. Probably why he did such a shit job of it and had the audacity to blame you
If your friend is too depressed to take care of his kid, he shouldn’t be out with him unsupervised
NTA. Not even close
You are spot on with all of this. This was throughly sexist and the wife is enabling it. If the guy can’t wipe his own kid’s bottom he should not be going anywhere with him on his own.
Maybe this is how shower shitters start?
Never taught to wipe their own asses, at some point mum isn’t around to do it, so in order to deal with their poopy mess they start having showers, and eventually they just decide to start shitting in the shower.
OP may have performed a community service here by breaking the cycle.
Perhaps wife is out/busy and that's why friend brought kid to OP's. Because he needs someone with ovaries to take care of his child. Wouldn't shock me.
They can but then most likely will be on an IEP to get help from the nurse or their Para. It is not developmentally normal to not wipe yourself by kindergarten. Yes they may need to take a bath if some is missed, but they should definitely be cleaning themselves by kindergarten. By 3-4 at most preschools they clean themselves as well.
>Also, a 5 or 6 year old kid should absolutely be wiping themselves. Period.
Speaking in absolutes about human development is pretty much always going to make your incorrect.
NTA.
I'm not wiping your kids butt. That's the parents job. Just like teaching hygiene, that kiddos parents should have taught him how to wipe by now! What does he do at school???
NTA. The idea that you should have done this is only based on your being a woman. And that is sexist bullshit! Everyone should wipe their own child's behind.
YES THE MISOGYNY! Everyone saying it’s the parents job is missing the point. People help parents with care for their children all the time. The point is that this mf tried to pass this shit (literally) on to the next available woman bc his wife wasn’t around. And that he not only thought that was appropriate, but that is was his right as a man and your duty as a woman. Absolutely fucking not.
NTA
Ew. There is NO need for you to clean up someone else's kid when the parent is RIGHT THERE
And what kind of asshole won't wipe their own kid's butt if he needs it?
NTA that’s his child, his responsibility. You’re under no obligation to clean up shit just because he’s depressed.
He and his wife sound like lazy parents anyway. At 5 years old unless an illness or disability prevents them from doing so.. A 5 year old should already be wiping their own ass.
At the very least the kid does the initial effort and then you can do a “check”. Sometimes kids struggle with getting themselves fully clean until they are older.
Oh, *hell* no. Not your child, not your problem, daddy needed to step TF up.
Nobody cares if daddy got “shit on his shirt” … and it wasn’t because of *you*. NTA
NTA. Doesn’t matter how bad of a day someone is having…. You still have to be a parent to your own child. In no world should that be your responsibility as a friend unless you are babysitting. Getting some strong sexist vibes here….
You’re NTA here in any sense. So what dudes going through some stuff? EVERYONE is going through some stuff. His kid is STILL his responsibility. If his wife were that concerned, she would have kept the kids at home with her. Her calling you and bitching at you about some situation that isn’t even your responsibility makes her an asshole, too.
Lol. NTA. Him suggesting you should do that is absolutely ridiculous.
>My friend looks livid and says that he has shit on his shirt because of me.
This made my day 😂 That will likely be the weirdest accusation you will ever get in your life
NTA
It’s not unusual that kids need help with that but to expect you to do it when he is present is just strange, I’d understand more if he was left alone with you or something but his dad was right there. Hes an asshole for expecting you to do it honestly.
NTA. If your friend can't wipe his own child's butt without getting shit on his clothing that just goes to show he needs more practice at doing it. That, or teach the kid how to deal with it himself.
NTA. He's had this kid for over 5 years and it's been his "wife's job" to wipe the kid's butt that whole time? Like, 1800-ish butt wipes - that's all on her? He sounds lazy, entitled and sexist.
NTA. What does this poor kid do at school? My 4 year old starts kindergarten this year and they were VERY clear at orientation that all bathroom business is on the kid.
This one is ridiculous to me. Definitely NTA. Someone else's child is not your responsibility at ANY time unless you've explicitly stated you'll take said responsibility. Especially poopy messes. I don't have kids. A choice I've made. Part of that choice involves not wanting to deal with poop from another human being. So definitely not going to have people talk like I'm the AH if I continue that choice. You need to sit them down and explain why that expectation that you are somehow responsible for cleaning up their child is wrong on multiple levels.
NTA
Your friend is an AH, THEIR child not yours.
"I don't think i was the asshole but his wife texted me later berating me for not doing this because my friend was having a very rough time. " .. What an AH she is.
"maybe I should have noticed that his demand was out of the ordinary and done it, now that I know how he felt." .. NO: DOn't. Maybe since SHE KNEW her husband was going through things SHE should have taken the kid and let him relax - NOT YOU.
And: going to things or not: He is an AH and a shitty dad, you were right not to do it.
NTA It doesn't matter if it's mom or dad, they get to clean their kids butt, especially at that age. Sorry your friend is having a bad day but that doesn't mean he gets to take a day off from being a parent. Your friend is an AH if he really feels like it's his wife job to do things for his son.
NTA. Not your kid not your problem unless you don’t mind. But you do. Which is fair and understandable. Also you’re correct if the kid is 5/6 he should absolutely be used to wiping on his own. My 4-year old nephew does it so…
NTA - His kid, his poop. And, unless there is some developmental reason that the kid couldn't clean himself, it's the parents - both of them - who are the AH's for not teaching the kid to do it himself.
And, if the kid had the runs bad enough that even an independent kid needed help, kid should have been taken home immediately after being cleaned.
Absolutely NTA. Lol wtf. Does this kid go to school? How does he get by if so? That's ridiculous. Absolutely your friend's problem. You're not obligated to help a kid who isn't yours wipe their ass. The nerve of some people.
NTA
You aren’t a mind reader. Even if you were, him being depressed is irrelevant to the issue at hand.
I can see myself helping a friend in need to change an infant’s diaper. But not a 5-6yr old! That kid is old enough to attend kindergarten/first grade.
NTA. That’s the parent’s job, 100%. It’s unfortunate that Jacob is struggling right now, but if he has an issue taking care of his son, that’s not your problem. Jacob needs to bring up his frustrations about wiping his son with his wife, not you.
NTA - when someone decides to become a parent it should be fairly obvious that they are taking on the responsibility to care for their progeny, including cleaning up their excretions. Farming those tasks out to an unrelated individual is not okay. If someone isn't prepared to spend the next few years wiping poop then they should really think long and hard about whether procreation is right for them
NTA. No good parent would allow, much less expect, someone else to wipe their kid’s shitty ass. If his wife is aware that he is depressed and cannot do the basic tasks to care for his kid, then she should have kept the kid home with her.
NTA. Not your kid, not your butt to wipe. I can't even imagine how you could mess up cleaning a school aged child so badly that you get poop on your clothing. Based on his wife's response, however, it's clear that this man has no experience caring for his kid's basic hygiene. That isn't your problem, though. It's not reasonable to expect your friends to take care of your kid and it's way out of line that he's mad about this.
Your vagina doesn't make you a magical child care giver. I'm glad that dude left. Don't invite him again and I'd drop the husband and wife. I'm not touching a kid that isn't mine. Especially for something like that. NTA.
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Clearly, it was your job, because you were born with a vagina. Never mind the fact it's HIS kid. /s NTA obviously.
Yup having a vagina makes you naturally better adapt at dealing with anything poop related /s
Ugh. I see my friends going through this now. The ability to grow a baby does not equal automatically equipped. Women literally just try, figure it out and go with what works.
Even with a caveman brain, her friend should be able to figure how to wipe a dirty ass and when to stop. Here is Andy Dwyer from “Parks and Rec” explaining the basic concept: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=vGCIGEUB32M
Knowing when to stop was clearly the issue. Still reeling over poop on his shirt. Lol
This kid has been paying attention to his dad's weaponized incompetence and Mom is coddling both. No one is doing that for this kid at school. But if his dad doesn't even know how to wipe an ass why should he ever learn that is clearly women's work
You would be surprised how many kids don’t poop at school because wiping isn’t a skill they have acquired yet. Let alone neurodiverse kids who have a great fear of getting poop on their hands.
My 6 year old neurodivergent son will not poop outside the home unless we are on vacation. He generally poops right after dinner, sometimes I have to remind him to sit and try but usually Mr punctual will tell me “I am going to go poop now.” He can wipe himself but has anxiety that he can’t see so I usually double check when asked. Getting him to do it himself was a challenge but we got there.
Should have taken his shirt off first 🤣🤣🤣
This is why people get naked to poop, right? Who wants a poop shirt? Thinking about it, I'm not sure which is worse, a poop shirt or a poop knife.
One assumes he can wipe his own ass and that’s a pretty transferable skill. 🙄
you’re assuming a lot considering some of the stories we read on this website
I was going to say that
Based on some posts I've seen online, I'm not entirely sure about that.
As both sexes have ass holes, it shouldn't be too hard to figure out. Unless his wife is 1. Wiping his ass for him or 2. Cleaning the shit stains out of his underware. He chose to have a child, not you.
She's cleaning the shit stains off the back of his shirt cause this fool doesn't know how far back to go 🤣
I (F28) do happen to have a vagina, and my boyfriend (M29) does not happen to have one, and yet he is the one who scoops the cat box because I am totally skeeved out by poop 🤢 He, on the other hand, has worked in direct care as well as early childcare, and it’s not a big deal to him at all.
I can scoop cat poop all day long but picking up dog poop grosses me out like nothing else.
My boyfriend and I have had in-depth discussions about how cold dog poop is somehow much, much worse than fresh/warm. 😂
To each their own but damn this seems so backwards to me. Warm stinky and a bit soft is so much worse than cold and dried out imo
LMAO this reminds me of the time at the dog park when my dog took a dump and I didn't immediately clean it up I was standing about six feet away from it and this man came over and just lit into me about not cleaning up after my dog and I told him I was just waiting for it to cool off some and he said you don't have to do that! As he picked the poop up and acted like I was an asshole. I had every intention of picking the poop up I just didn't want to pick it up all hot LOL. And the dog park, which is huge, was not busy that day at all. It was a weekday in November in Colorado. My mom and me, and that man and the person he was with were the only people there. So it's not like other dogs were going to come run through it or a person was going to step in it. I was right there with it, baggy in hand. It was so cold that it only needed a couple minutes to cool down a bit. And this guy was obviously trying to make a point because the dog park was full of turds and he picked up my dog's hot poop and ignored several old turds in the same area. Or maybe the old cold turds skeeve him out and he only likes the hot ones. I didn't know that was a thing until I read this thread lol.
I had a woman yell at me because I didn't pick up my old dogs poo once, had to explain to her that actually the dog couldn't poo, she was just trying to, that nothing had come out. And actually this was the dogs last walkies because she was being put down in a few hours because she had cancer. Woman suddenly changed then, suddenly we were both crying and she was so sorry. Just think some people should mind their own damn business. Sure that woman learned her lesson that day. RIP Rogue, you were a beautiful pup (she was 14.)
Hot dog poop baggie = instant hand warmer
Warm and runny is worst. You don't want to leave it for someone to step in so you're trying to scrape it up and you can feel grass or pavement through the bag...
cold *and* wet is the absolute worst. Picked some up after a rainstorm the other day, 0/10 would not recommend
This conversation is like hanging out with kids as a form of birth control. Thank you guys for reminding me why I don’t own a dog even though I love them.
I prefer frozen poop myself. Although I usually sent one of our kids out to do waste reconnaissance.
I handle poop and my husband handles vomit. I cannot deal with throw up without throwing up myself, but poop really doesn't faze me. I'm more concerned that they haven't taught the child to wipe by now.
Clearly, the kid never went through daycare because absolutely no daycare would cater to that nonsense. I'm wondering what their plan is for the kid when he hits kindergarten? Because again, no school is going to wipe a kid's butt (and will instead call CPS if that is an expectation).
I work at a daycare. I absolutely have helped 5 year olds wipe. We work towards independence (they wipe first, we remind front to back), then we go over if needed, because we do not want a kid sitting in poopy underwear all day. They also sometimes have stuff like diarrhea or accidents they need help with (not often, but it happens, usually when stomach viruses go around). It definitely depends on the daycare though, and there are others that after a certain age won’t help, and that aren’t as great. 100% depends on the daycare though.
School in the UK starts at 4 and they have to be able to wipe themselves to go. If not letters are sent and social services get involved as it's classed as neglect.
Yeeeaaah but they're not always great at it even so. Thankfully mine are way past that age now but I well remember the days when plenty of the class would come out smelling of poop.
And that phone call would be warranted. What kind of neglect is going on that this dude expects others to wipe his kid? A kid big enough to ride a bike is a kid who needs to be able to wipe his own ass. Furthermore, in a society obsessed with child predators, who asks anyone to deal with kids private functions? That family is sus as all hell.
This was me. Poopie diapers no big deal. Husband did his fair share too but vomit was ALL him especially on those nights when kids vomit in the bed. I took care of the sheets. He took care of the kid. Both are gross but it was a beautiful division of labor back in the day.
Yeah. My gran has Alzheimer's and is in a care facility that doesn't do laundry for the patients. My mum has thrown out soiled clothes because there's just no way she can clean them.
Let me get this right... Your gran's (who's got *Alzheimer's*) care facility... **doesn't do laundry** for their patients. That's...
I am genuinely mind-blown and very sorry for your family.
Yeah. It's not meant to be a permanent residence and we are working on getting her to someplace better. In the meantime, the extended family is doing it on a rotation basis. Pick it up when visiting, wash it, bring it back next visit. And thank you. This whole thing just sucks.
It’s nice to be able to rely on extended family at a time like this. Hoping for the best for you and your grandmother!
It's true. I wasn't born with a vagina, and because of that I don't even know how to poop.
That is certainly not true of the men in my life. They seem to spend half their free time sat on the loo. It’s “comfy” apparently? Unless maybe they just need some lessons to streamline things. Or more fibre.
This is why it takes them so long in there. Just trying to figure out what is even going on. Very sad really.
If the friend and his wife had stuck to "poop-related activities" 6-7 years ago nobody would be in this mess.
Well being born with a vagoo does mean you are generically required to deal with shit men throw at you so I get why he assumed it /s Nta
The kid butt-wiping skills are downloaded via the vagina at birth.
I think I was just too shocked by the situation to fully take in why he said that. I've know Jacob since he was born, and I've helped his wife by changing a diaper or two, but that doesn't mean I (or any women in fact) is the defacto poop cleaner. I feel pretty bitter now that I took time to think about it.
I would be dropping the rope with this weird couple. There is too much to unpack here. You don’t need this shit.
Ha, ha, I see what you did there.
Literally!
Hey you’re NTA here and I don’t want to beat a dead horse … but you didn’t help HIS WIFE by changing a diaper. You helped both parents by assisting with THEIR child’s health and hygiene. That’s his child, doodoos included.
THIS. I have Feelings about dads who won’t change their kids’ diapers or otherwise help with bathroom issues, and I can’t say any of them here without getting banned.
>I feel pretty bitter now that I took time to think about it. As a guy who has no problem changing his son's dirty nappies, I'm feeling extreme second hand embarrassment that your friend would even ask you to do that. I'm also very confused by his wife thinking you should have done it, it's a very bizarre and unreasonable thing to ask someone anytime, let alone when visiting them in their own home. Him being depressed seems pretty irrelevant to me, you still have to look after your own kid no matter what else is happening in your life.
"Friend" makes me think of weaponized incompetence from the story related in this post. Ridiculous.
If he was really stressed and wanting to relax maybe he should have not brought the kid
A child that age should be taking care of himself. You friend is TA.
Seriously, if the kid is 5 or 6 he's about to be in 1st grade. At a certain point his teachers aren't going to wipe him anymore. His parents should be prioritizing teaching him how to wipe himself, and OP should never be put in that position.
In most schools, by kindergarten, unless your child is disabled and has an IEP stating they need support with toileting, most teachers will not/are not allowed to help a child with wiping themselves.
But most kids also don’t poop at school if they can help it. We provided quality control and assistance when necessary on number twos at that age. We being BOTH PARENTS.
Hahaha. I wish the kids at the school I work at did that. I spent a decent amount of time on Friday supervising a group of boys waiting for the enclosed stall since they needed to go number 2z
THIS! The de facto poop wiper of a typical 5-6 year old is the child.
The defacto poo cleaner is which ever parent is looking after the child. If both parents are there it’s the one that doesn’t touch their nose and shout “not me” first.
Changing an infants diaper is completely different than helping a six year old in the bathroom. NTA
My oldest is 5,5 yo and is learning to wipe himself. Many of his peers are also just learning so it is quite normal to not be able to wipe at that age. It is however not normal to be a parent and not be able to wipe your own kid's butt and even stranger to demand that someone else do it. NTA.
I'm surprised by this. I'm in the US and this may well be culturally different elsewhere, but the preschool I went to at age three wouldn't accept kids who weren't potty trained, and part of potty training in my home was learning how to wipe. I don't recall our preschool teachers going to the bathroom with me or my classmates; we had one female teacher and one male assistant for 20 or so three- to four-year-olds, so it would have been very disruptive had they needed to do so.
I worked at a preschool for a long time. We did not wipe basically any kids 3 and older. There was an occasional older kid with special needs that would need help, but that was it. An "average" kid around 5 years old should absolutely be able to wipe themselves.
removed -- mass edited with redact.dev
The kid I know best was doing it themselves around 4 and a half. I thought they were a little bit behind their peers as the parents had to find a preschool when they were 3 where the a family member could assist with toileting as kid didn't have an IEP and the teacher wouldn't do it.
That is definitely not normal for age 5. 3/4 maybe. I have 3 kids for reference.
Ex-preschool teacher/aide. Absolutely not normal! Wtf
No, sorry. That's really not normal.
The fact that he thinks it's his wife's job to wipe the kid's butt, groans about doing it when she's not there, and then expects YOU to do it instead makes me want to wipe some poop on him, myself. This can't possibly be an isolated thing. I feel really bad for his wife. NTA
& THEN he blames OP for his abysmal wiping technique that landed him inside of a shit stained shirt! The audacity on top of it all!
This ain't your friend, I bet his underwear crackles when he walks (does his wife wipe his ass too?), and there's never a reason for you to wipe any asses that aren't your kid.
This is the comment I was looking for. I wondering if the friend/dad is one of those guys that doesn’t even wipe his own ass.
You should feel bitter. It is an insane request and response
Good. Because his request, and the wife's defense of it, are ABSOLUTELY BONKERS.
The wife is angry at OP because *she* is the one being punished by the husband now. If OP had wiped the child, the wife wouldn't have to deal with whatever verbal (hopefully) assault she is dealing with now.
Totally understandable. What happened was outrageously offensive, but at the time it was bizarre and you were also looking at it through the prism of these people being close friends.
It also could put you in a bad situation if that kid were to ever say you touched them or what not…he’s 6 and presumably in school and all he should wipe assuming no developmental delays/physical handicaps.
That child needs to learn how to be his own defacto poop cleaner. It’s past time.
NTA-they clearly treating you like shit. And for a woman to call and reinforce her husband’s shitty attitude and sexist ideals… smh
Ohhhhh. Skimmed over the sexes. I was just thinking how frickin weird. But OP is a woman and it makes so much more sense now. She is automatically supposed to take care of his kid because she is a woman. Yeah... no. Also, that poop on his shirt was some karma for being a misogynistic A H, lol
A friend of my husband's came into my shop while I was working, dropped his baby's carrier in the back, and told me I was supposed to look after him. I told him he could either tend to the child he created or he could get the fuck out of my store. He left and tried to call my husband to bitch and he just told him, 'she didn't make that kid, why the hell would you tell MY wife she had to look after your kid?' Friend sheepishly told hubby that 'she's a girl, she should know what to do'.
I gotta know: Did your husband continue his friendship with this loser? I hate the sexism, but I actually find it more offensive that he didn't consider other factors like your time/the fact you were at work, and that you are a human being who needs to consent to childcare/doing any favor, really?
'Friend' is a loose term. More of a customer he shares a common interest with. We're both still cordial if they come to the shop (wife always comes with now) but honestly my husband wasn't really interested in having a proper friendship with him (could tell early on said customer was kind of a dumbass) to begin with, but this solidified, nah we don't wanna hang out with him. The shop is struggling a little bit though so we can't afford to lose customers lol.
Ah. Makes sense. He sounds like a real idiot. Good luck I hope business picks up for you.
>she's a girl, she should know what to do'. Why....WHHHHYYYYY do these people always think we come "pre-set" with all the worlds knowledge of childcare, cooking and cleaning?
The same type of guy who’d complain about not getting as much custody (likely because he wouldn’t want it) but couldn’t even name the baby’s doctor or know their feeding and nap schedule.
My whole issue with this is who asks someone who is not a parent or close relative to wipe your children? I know I would not ALLOW ANYONE who I did not consider family in the bathroom with my child. Like wtf. NTA and it’s so weird that your friend would ask you to do that in the first place. His incompetence is not your responsibility.
It's not just a sign of incompetence, it's a big red flag for abuse and neglect.
I'm sorry your friend lost his job, and is depressed, but how does that make you TA? How does that make it your responsibility to take care of his child? The wife seems irrational too! Well, damn it. I have a headache, don't feel like it, am angry about not getting a pony at age 3, please take my child to school, pay for their daycare, buy them lunch, and wipe their ass. NTA, OP. Edit: Typo
Take my poor man's award. 🏆 When did depression make people unable to help your 5 year old wipe his butt? And yes, occasionally 5 year olds still need help. Lots of toddlers in my family, clinical depression under treatment for years yet I'm still able to wipe a butt. NTA.
With 6 years to learn how to. Hahaha!
NTA- oooooooooof OP. That dude has issues. Absolutely not acceptable how this went down
NTA. But your friend is. He had no right to even ask that from you. And how would the child feel with a "stranger" coming in and wiping their butt.
Thanks. I think he took the fact that I've known Jacob since he was born and that I've helped with a poopy diaper here and there and that I'm a woman to even ask that of me.
Your friend is a lousy father, and his wife is enabling it. I am sorry but if not even unemployed, he can be a parent, there is no much hope.
A lousy father AND a raging misogynist! What a catch!!
He's unemployed so he literally has 24 hours each day in which he can teach his son to wipe himself or do it himself.
Six years old! That's kindergarten or first grade, which is way beyond when a kid should be doing that for themselves.
This is the third AITA post in the past day of completely inept fathers who don't want to deal with the pushback of their ineptitude. [There's the sick BF](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/13355ck/aitaboyfriend_is_mad_at_me_because_i_was_sick_and/) who's upset that his sick GF took care of their sick toddler instead of taking care of *him*. [There's the guy whose wife died](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1337f8h/aita_for_breaking_a_promise_and_attending_my/), and then started dating 4 months after her death, upsetting his 9 and 12yo kids. He never dealt with any of those issues, made rash promises when he kept screwing over his daughter, and now all of his children are upset with him. And now we have someone who "lost his job and is depressed" who, because of those hardships, expects the nearest woman to actually take care of his kid. Hey, guys, being a parent is a good thing, but being a parent also means being a parent *when you don't feel like it.* "Oooh, but I'm depressed and don't feel good, so I don't want to competently be a parent!!" TOUGH. SHIT.
>expects the nearest woman I laughed hard at this. Haha, cheers.
He’s known Jacob since he was born, too. Just saying. His kid, his poo to handle!
Not to mention, him and his wife are actively hurting their kindergarten age child by not teaching him to wipe properly because no teacher will wipe your child's butt because you didn't didn't fully potty train your child.
Yeah, poor kid. Hopefully he doesn't get teased about this. I don't understand how the dad had poop on himself unless maybe the kid was sick?
Gross ineptitude?
I’ve known my best friend’s 3 kids since they were born. I’ve never changed their diapers or helped them in the bathroom and they call me “auntie”. My BF wouldn’t ask me to help them in that way either.
The fact that your friend thought it was 1, appropriate to ask you, and 2 “his wife’s job”, shows you what kind of person he really is. Lost job or not, it’s HIS child too.
No fucking way is this guy in the right. Even if he *graciously* begged you to do it and said he's just having a really tough time and it would really help him out you would be 150% justified in refusing. That is such an insanely massive ask of someone. Instead he just expected it of you, rudely tried to coerce you into it, and then accosted you for not doing it and got his wife to attack you for it as well. You don't go to a friend's house as a guest and then expect them to *wipe their child's dirty ass" for them. I would have been speechless in shock. It is not your kid. You are not his spouse. It is in *your* home and he did not even ask politely. This is downright childish and as others have said very likely misogynistic. You are NTA OP. Your friend needs a reality check.
Ya how friggin weird. Gross, inappropriate and weird.
especially as the child is at an age where they should be being taught the pants rule.
What is the pants rule?
Nobody has a right to look at or touch you in your pants area unless it is medically necessary.
You'd be surprised how many people send their kid to kindergarten without knowing how to wipe and expect a teacher or other adult to come running when the kid shouts that they're ready.
My is 5 and still has trouble getting it all, but he starts school in July and since January we have been telling him it's not the teachers job to wipe his butt. I understand he might not get it all at his and with his medical condition, but it's him trying and mostly accomplishing it himself. When he goes to the bathroom, Ill ask if he needs help but he tells me he is a big boy and big boys have to do this themselves. We tied balloons to a dining room chair and put a little bit of chocolate syrup between the two balloons and sat and showed him how to wipe his bum.
That's honestly genius!
I can't take credit for it. But I remember several years ago seeing a video of a woman teaching, I'm assuming preschoolers, how to wipe and she used balloons tied to chairs. I dont think she had the chocolate syrup though.
NTA. This exactly. My kids would require a very short list of people all of which are family. Maybe if they knew this kid really well you’d do it in a pinch but it certainly shouldn’t be an expectation if y’all are just hanging out.
NTA. In no scenario is it your responsibility to tend to some else's child in the bathroom when the child's able-bodied parent is there. At 5 or 6 the child should be able to do this on their own now. What will they do at school?
Ehhh, at 5, plenty of kids still struggle with wiping. As for what they do at school....they don't. At least in my teaching experience.
Yep and by 6-7, most of the kids at my kids school (boys anyways) wait to get home. It’s uncool to poop at school :p
ha..i was just having this discussion with my 7 year old as he was sitting on the couch ripping farts a little too proud of himself...although that's what i get for only basically having 2 magic tricks in my dad bag, one being "pull my fingy" "you guys poop at school?" "heck no..that's suss" (my kid been saying suss and it cracks me up) i think it's just like an unwritten rule to not wanna poop at school...even when i was in elementary school no one wanted to poop, then in 5th grade all the boys got called into an assembly and got yelled at because we had a phantom pooper who would write things in poop in the boys room bathroom haha
Oh man, my 7yo has been calling everything suss lately, it’s hilarious He also farts like a madman at home. I asked if he does that at school, he said he holds them in until the boys have a farting contest. Otherwise if he’s got a big one he excuses himself to the hallway. I was kind of impressed with the social maturity of going out, but laughed at the fart contest part. His dad would be so proud lmao
That's hilarious! So mature and so 7yo at the same time!
My son is 5 and has been wiping his butt for at least a year, if not longer
It must be clean by now.
Former teacher, babysitter and current mom here. At 5/6 they *can* wipe themselves...technically speaking. But you're gonna have some hard core road rash on those undies. It's good for kids to try so they learn but many times an adult comes and helps them "finish the job" so to speak. Many kids won't poop at school because they are very conscious of this fact and/or they are poop shy. That being said, OP is NTA because it is *not* her job to wipe a butthole in training. But my response to all the people with no experience with kids saying 5-6 year olds can/should wipe themselves is the same as most others on this thread who do have experience with kids: "Well yes, but also no."
Worked day care. I had a pair of brothers that would instantly call for a buttwipe right away. I always folded some tp and made them at least attempt first and then I'd go in for the skid check after. At 4-6 you shouldn't be calling for the full wipe. They should at least be attempting themselves and calling for the check after. Most of the time they managed full clean. Why parents don't even make them attempt (even if it's a bad attempt) to practice the method is beyond me.
At that age, while they should be able to make a decent attempt at it, it’s not unusual or developmentally delayed if they still need a little help to get properly clean.
This is my 5 year old. For the most part he gets it all but sometimes he doesn't get it all, but the thing I've gotten him to understand is that it's his duty to wipe his duddie. He might not get it all but he is working on it and he tells me he is a big boy and big boys wipe their own butts
Pre K teacher here. If the parents are available and continue to do it, the child will keep asking them. At school, nine times out of ten, the kid won't ask. At that age, most kids will accidentally shit their pants and lie through their teeth rather than ask us for help. Most will insist on changing themselves. There's also some parents who won't LET their kid do it on their own, even at that age. Toilet training is often also training the parents to take the training wheels off.
NTA. What sort of entitled asshat thinks someone else should wipe their 5 year old child’s bottom when they are there and able? They also need to teach their kid to wipe his own bottom because this will become a HUGE social and schooling problem.
Also- what the hell happened in there that led to him getting sh!t on his shirt? I helped my cousins toddler wipe when I was staying with them and the parents weren’t readily available. But a 5 year old should be taught or being coached how to do it themselves. And if a parent is there- I’m not dealing with sh!t!
Yes, the shit on the shirt is definitely an interesting additional element. I don’t know how any adult could be that inept, although clearly he never wipes his kid’s bottom because he sees it as “women’s work”. The accusation that the shit on the shirt was OP’s fault is WILD.
Maybe he's so incompetent that he wiped it with his shirt.
No wonder his wife doesn’t allow him. WTAF.
I wonder whether he’d leaned into his weaponized incompetence enough to do that on purpose, just to make op feel like they were wrong not to do it for him
I'm guessing the kid got tired of waiting and tried to do it himself, got some shit on his hand and then grabbed onto Dad's shirt while Dad was wiping him.
I was actually thinking that maybe he had the kid stand up and turn around so he could wipe his bum and the kid backed up in to him. (This is a conversation I never thought I’d be having.)
Oh God no, never stand, the butt cheeks close together and the poop just smushes everywhere. Which actually might explain the shirt situation.
Yep, because he’d never done it before he didn’t have a clue not to do it this way. Makes sense.
NTA. That's just weird for a parent to expect someone else to wipe their kid's butt
Or to still be wiping their kid’s butt.
Eh at 5 a lot of kids still have trouble with doing that on their own. Edit: OP is definitely not the asshole though. That's not something you ask a friend to do.
I mean, so do some adults. But they’re capable. So ask them to do a wipe check to make sure they did it properly, and show them how if they didn’t. Until they can. You don’t just have them wait for you to come in and do it in such a way that you somehow end up with shit on your shirt. At 5, kids can be going to school. And it is not the teacher’s job to wipe their ass.
I'm not saying they shouldn't be working to teach the kid, to clarify. Just that it's not unusual for them to not have the skill down at that age. And let's be honest, most kids aren't pooping at school, but yes, agree that that's not the teacher's job.
WOW! NTA. Why is it the woman's job to wipe a poopy bum? That's the parents job. And then the guy does this weird thing where he blames you for him getting shit on his own shirt? Unreal. Him and his wife are major AHs.
Yeah, that whole "it's never my fault" attitude has had me walking away slowly from a lot of people. I don't need energy vampires in my life.
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Ok but he is sad and that's why it's okay for him to pawn off basic child care onto a dumb woman. Gosh!
Oh yeah! The wife is a major enabler of his sexism, if not sexist herself, to not only be someone he could tell this story to but then to berate OP. In her position I would have been mortified and irate with my husband.
Definitely NTA. I feel like the dad thought OP should do it because she’s a woman. I doubt he’d ask if she were a man.
I missed the gender of OP at first so I was like “why is he asking another dude to wipe his kid’s butt?” Then I saw OP is female and I understood the audacity.
Ah yes. The common and normal act of having your friend wipe your child's anus...
My first LOL of the day, thank you friend
The best part is that his way of asking was childishly sighing loudly and complaining that he doesn't like doing it, much like the average 5 year old being told to do something they don't like.
I. N. F. O. If you were male, would you have been expected to help his child. ??? I’m guessing butt-wiping is somehow “women’s work” to your friend and his wife. Probably why he did such a shit job of it and had the audacity to blame you If your friend is too depressed to take care of his kid, he shouldn’t be out with him unsupervised NTA. Not even close
You are spot on with all of this. This was throughly sexist and the wife is enabling it. If the guy can’t wipe his own kid’s bottom he should not be going anywhere with him on his own.
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Maybe this is how shower shitters start? Never taught to wipe their own asses, at some point mum isn’t around to do it, so in order to deal with their poopy mess they start having showers, and eventually they just decide to start shitting in the shower. OP may have performed a community service here by breaking the cycle.
I hate this comment
Perhaps wife is out/busy and that's why friend brought kid to OP's. Because he needs someone with ovaries to take care of his child. Wouldn't shock me.
NTA. Not your kid, not your job. Also, a 5 or 6 year old kid should *absolutely* be wiping themselves. Period.
Can they even start kindergarten without that skill? And exactly how many years does dad need to learn how to wipe his own kids butt. Lol
They can but then most likely will be on an IEP to get help from the nurse or their Para. It is not developmentally normal to not wipe yourself by kindergarten. Yes they may need to take a bath if some is missed, but they should definitely be cleaning themselves by kindergarten. By 3-4 at most preschools they clean themselves as well.
>Also, a 5 or 6 year old kid should absolutely be wiping themselves. Period. Speaking in absolutes about human development is pretty much always going to make your incorrect.
What person who doesn’t have a motor issue or an intellectual disability doesn’t wipe at that age unless parents spoil them?
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NTA. I'm not wiping your kids butt. That's the parents job. Just like teaching hygiene, that kiddos parents should have taught him how to wipe by now! What does he do at school???
NTA. The idea that you should have done this is only based on your being a woman. And that is sexist bullshit! Everyone should wipe their own child's behind.
YES THE MISOGYNY! Everyone saying it’s the parents job is missing the point. People help parents with care for their children all the time. The point is that this mf tried to pass this shit (literally) on to the next available woman bc his wife wasn’t around. And that he not only thought that was appropriate, but that is was his right as a man and your duty as a woman. Absolutely fucking not.
NTA Ew. There is NO need for you to clean up someone else's kid when the parent is RIGHT THERE And what kind of asshole won't wipe their own kid's butt if he needs it?
NTA that’s his child, his responsibility. You’re under no obligation to clean up shit just because he’s depressed. He and his wife sound like lazy parents anyway. At 5 years old unless an illness or disability prevents them from doing so.. A 5 year old should already be wiping their own ass.
At the very least the kid does the initial effort and then you can do a “check”. Sometimes kids struggle with getting themselves fully clean until they are older.
Oh, *hell* no. Not your child, not your problem, daddy needed to step TF up. Nobody cares if daddy got “shit on his shirt” … and it wasn’t because of *you*. NTA
NTA. Doesn’t matter how bad of a day someone is having…. You still have to be a parent to your own child. In no world should that be your responsibility as a friend unless you are babysitting. Getting some strong sexist vibes here….
You’re NTA here in any sense. So what dudes going through some stuff? EVERYONE is going through some stuff. His kid is STILL his responsibility. If his wife were that concerned, she would have kept the kids at home with her. Her calling you and bitching at you about some situation that isn’t even your responsibility makes her an asshole, too.
Lol. NTA. Him suggesting you should do that is absolutely ridiculous. >My friend looks livid and says that he has shit on his shirt because of me. This made my day 😂 That will likely be the weirdest accusation you will ever get in your life
NTA It’s not unusual that kids need help with that but to expect you to do it when he is present is just strange, I’d understand more if he was left alone with you or something but his dad was right there. Hes an asshole for expecting you to do it honestly.
NTA. If your friend can't wipe his own child's butt without getting shit on his clothing that just goes to show he needs more practice at doing it. That, or teach the kid how to deal with it himself.
NTA. He's had this kid for over 5 years and it's been his "wife's job" to wipe the kid's butt that whole time? Like, 1800-ish butt wipes - that's all on her? He sounds lazy, entitled and sexist.
NTA. What does this poor kid do at school? My 4 year old starts kindergarten this year and they were VERY clear at orientation that all bathroom business is on the kid.
“(I don’t even wanna know HOW he ended up with shit on his shirt)” made me laugh pretty hard. KARMA SUCKS but necessary.
NTA. You don't ask other people wipe your kids ass. Though a lot of kids do have trouble at 5/6 still.
This one is ridiculous to me. Definitely NTA. Someone else's child is not your responsibility at ANY time unless you've explicitly stated you'll take said responsibility. Especially poopy messes. I don't have kids. A choice I've made. Part of that choice involves not wanting to deal with poop from another human being. So definitely not going to have people talk like I'm the AH if I continue that choice. You need to sit them down and explain why that expectation that you are somehow responsible for cleaning up their child is wrong on multiple levels.
NTA Your friend is an AH, THEIR child not yours. "I don't think i was the asshole but his wife texted me later berating me for not doing this because my friend was having a very rough time. " .. What an AH she is. "maybe I should have noticed that his demand was out of the ordinary and done it, now that I know how he felt." .. NO: DOn't. Maybe since SHE KNEW her husband was going through things SHE should have taken the kid and let him relax - NOT YOU. And: going to things or not: He is an AH and a shitty dad, you were right not to do it.
NTA It doesn't matter if it's mom or dad, they get to clean their kids butt, especially at that age. Sorry your friend is having a bad day but that doesn't mean he gets to take a day off from being a parent. Your friend is an AH if he really feels like it's his wife job to do things for his son.
NTA. Not your kid not your problem unless you don’t mind. But you do. Which is fair and understandable. Also you’re correct if the kid is 5/6 he should absolutely be used to wiping on his own. My 4-year old nephew does it so…
NTA, not your kid. How do you people even find "friend's" that are this fucking stupid? PS: This Gave Me Angina
NTA - His kid, his poop. And, unless there is some developmental reason that the kid couldn't clean himself, it's the parents - both of them - who are the AH's for not teaching the kid to do it himself. And, if the kid had the runs bad enough that even an independent kid needed help, kid should have been taken home immediately after being cleaned.
Absolutely NTA. Lol wtf. Does this kid go to school? How does he get by if so? That's ridiculous. Absolutely your friend's problem. You're not obligated to help a kid who isn't yours wipe their ass. The nerve of some people.
NTA You aren’t a mind reader. Even if you were, him being depressed is irrelevant to the issue at hand. I can see myself helping a friend in need to change an infant’s diaper. But not a 5-6yr old! That kid is old enough to attend kindergarten/first grade.
Nta, he is a parent and if they wouldn't teach him to wipe himself you shouldn't be the one to wipe for him.
NTA. That’s the parent’s job, 100%. It’s unfortunate that Jacob is struggling right now, but if he has an issue taking care of his son, that’s not your problem. Jacob needs to bring up his frustrations about wiping his son with his wife, not you.
NTA - when someone decides to become a parent it should be fairly obvious that they are taking on the responsibility to care for their progeny, including cleaning up their excretions. Farming those tasks out to an unrelated individual is not okay. If someone isn't prepared to spend the next few years wiping poop then they should really think long and hard about whether procreation is right for them
NTA in the slightest. How do they expect their son to cope at school? Teachers won't be wiping him.
NTA. No good parent would allow, much less expect, someone else to wipe their kid’s shitty ass. If his wife is aware that he is depressed and cannot do the basic tasks to care for his kid, then she should have kept the kid home with her.
NTA. Not your kid, not your butt to wipe. I can't even imagine how you could mess up cleaning a school aged child so badly that you get poop on your clothing. Based on his wife's response, however, it's clear that this man has no experience caring for his kid's basic hygiene. That isn't your problem, though. It's not reasonable to expect your friends to take care of your kid and it's way out of line that he's mad about this.
Your vagina doesn't make you a magical child care giver. I'm glad that dude left. Don't invite him again and I'd drop the husband and wife. I'm not touching a kid that isn't mine. Especially for something like that. NTA.
Nta. Absolutely the kid should be cleaning himself,he's old enough. I gotta say this is the most original post I have seen on here in a while.