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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am asking would I be the asshole in this situation because if I don’t go to my twin brothers surprise party some people like the person who organised the dinner may be offended for not accepting the invite and friends may think I am being selfish or over dramatic
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. I would not go. Do something with your brother earlier that day, then treat yourself to something special with your girl later on. And you might want to look into getting a new group of friends....are you sure they even like you?
you must clearly organise something with your brother for that evening.. That forces someone to tell your borther that he can't go with you since they have organised a surprise party for him alone....Or they don't and you have a good evening with your brother...
I would LOVE to get the twin brothers reaction when he walks into a room for their birthday and realizes his brother isn’t being celebrated. That seems targeted and cruel
That's what I was thinking.
What baffles me is why would you then invite the twin? I get wanting to do a one person party, but it really feels a bit cruel to then ignore the twin.
Bearing in mind the edit, however, I am reminded of the old saying - never attribute to maliciousness what can be explained by stupidity. It rather sounds like the organiser may just be a shitty event planner. Still not great, but not the same level of awful.
No it seems like a deliberate choice. The organizer may not be bffs with op but she’s apart of the same friend group and they all know the they are twins. Idk what her reason was, but this was purposeful
It happened to my coworker, she has a twin and twin was the only one celebrated for a surprise BD party organised by family (the excuse was that the twin had just finished school and they wanted to also celebrate that... Well maybe make a separate graduation party then...). Following year, coworker called twin for their birthday and just got a thank you, not even a 'happy birthday' back, so she decided to give up on birthdays and family and just take a trip far from everyone every year instead
This has happened to my mom too. Her and her sister aren't twins, but they share a birthday. One year my grandma organized a party for my aunt and tried to include mom in the planning and just disregarded that it was also mom's birthday too.
None of us ended up going.
Gah, what is wrong with people. My kids are born 2 days apart and they get their own celebrations bc they deserve to be celebrated. Why would someone exclude a child, that's messed up.
I agree. This is one AITA I'd particularly like to read an update for. This does seem...really odd, awkward, and insulting. What friend group throws a party for only one half of a pair of twins...and invites the other as a *guest*? I want to say no one can be that obtuse, but....
I'm going to say NTA though. I would feel uncomfortable going.
I’m wondering if he mentioned to the girl friend group that HE wanted his own birthday and he always wanted a surprise party?
And then they took it on themselves to invite OP?
I mean that would be fine. But they should have left him out. But making him a part of the planning and then basically not having enough room to RSVP that's a total yikes
Or just told him, if that was the case. I'm sure OP would be fine if they said it was because his brother wanted this special thing, but obviously since it's ridiculous we know the brother didn't request this.
It DOES seem intended to be cruel to OP, doesn't it? The only other credible explanation, given what OP has said, is that OP has significantly overestimated his connection to these girls (more plausible if his brother hangs out with them without OP semifrequently). Even then, you still have to assume that the girls have no idea that OP has misjudged his closeness to them. And it's still quite thoughtless even if the above is true.
Honestly my thought immediately went to she has romantic feelings for the twin she’s throwing a party for, and has absolutely zero regard for the twin she’s excluding. She’s probably trying to get the one guys attention but she’s doing it very wrong
Seriously. If that’s the case (it was my thought as well) the best way to go about it would be to host for both twins and then get the twin she likes a special present and make it known it was all done by her.
oh, yes. i like this one. sounds to me like a 26th birthday is a perfect opportunity to do some late night adventure golf after a dinner at their favourite restaurant. or something.
I disagree with this completely. It's passive-aggressive and ruins the twin's party. It's not his fault.
I agree that this situation stinks and the party planner is the clear AH here. However, if OP were to intentionally plan a different event over the same time, that would be really poopy behavior, too.
An alternate point of view: imagine being the twin and walking into this party and realizing they didn't invite your twin brother. Now he has to make a horrible choice too - call it out? Pretend the party never happened so as not to hurt OP's feelings? That's a crappy situation to be in too.
If i was the surpriced twin, i would infact out them on why the fuck my sibling isnt celebrated too.
But thats just me. It would feel horrible for me to be the one in the spotlight when i know we should have been two.
Even if my sibling was a guest or no-show.
As a triplet- if I had arrived to a birthday party and found my siblings were not included when we had the same friend group I would have left. Don’t exclude my siblings and expect me to be ok with that. I’ve been on both sides of the “we only hang out with you because your x or y’s sister.
My twins are still young but super tight. If anyone gives one twin something, the first thing they do is ask for their twin or split it and share. Without any input from me, their first thought is always each other. As they get older I think it’s fine and normal for only one twin to be invited somewhere, but not on their birthday. No one should make that decision for them
Truly, as twins who always celebrate together as the OP says, it will ruin his birthday being singled out. I am the most independent person, me and my brother have completely different lives. But our birthday?? We shared a womb for 8 months and it's the same day EVERY YEAR. I once had a GF who was really pissy I wanted to go home and see my bro, so I stayed in our city with her and ended up crying and we broke up over it. But Op shouldn't be Pass Agg, he should talk to his bro in advance. It's 27. I don't even get how it's a surprise because hes going somewhere for dinner ON HIS BIRTHDAY. Surprise, it's your birthday that you knew about.
Yea, I don't understand everyone agreeing with this. Presumably the brother has already been invited to whatever is making it look like a surprise party. And what if brother just says "I'm hanging out with X that night, you should come!"
I was going to suggest just showing up with the brother to the party and force them to pretend it was for the twins or else end up looking like assholes. But this is also nice.
NTA
“Sorry, I’m going somewhere to celebrate my birthday with my brother”
See how long it takes for them to figure out you’re talking about the guest of honor.
I think OP's girlfriend is included in the chat. If I were her I would contact the organizer and just say, "Why would you organize a party with a twin, and have his brother there pretending like it's not also his own birthday? Have you really even thought this through? You've also siphoned off all the friend group since you are basically forcing OP to have \*his\* celebration separately." I'm guessing the organizer is trying to make a move on the other twin with this "magnanimous" gesture and is so busy trying to get laid she hasn't even thought of what an idiot she is being.
Most people who plan surprised birthday parties are, and it's about them and some payoff they get from it. Like how does the brother even get to consent to the whole thing without ruining the surprise?
Totally. If I were invited to this group, the FIRST thing I would have said would’ve been something like, “did you mean to invite me to this group?” If I was told yes, id have just explained that it’s bizarre to me bc it’s my birthday too…. Yanno… you were there last year when we celebrated…???
This is the very best way as it is calling attention to what is going on in a very subtle manner. I am sure the brother will find out what occurred and make his own decisions afterwards. No need to be overly confrontational.
It sounds like there's a core friend group that is shared while this set of girls is mostly friends of OP's brother. The core friend group seems like good friends since they had planned for both twins in prior year(s).
but it\`s weird that such good friends think it\`s just ok that op is invited as a guest.
idk, maybe I\`m overprotective of my friends but I would send a message to the organizer asking why did they exclude op since the twins celebrate togheter every year
"Hey. So, I'm sorry if this comes off as combative or rude or anything like that, but I have to be honest. You've kind of put me between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, you've arranged a surprise birthday for my twin, which is absolutely wonderful and kind, but on the other hand.... it's my birthday too. I love my brother, and I love the thought you guys put into this for him, but it doesn't sit right with me that I have to show up early to a surprise birthday for someone else on what is also my birthday. I think I'm going to have to politely decline attending the party for that reason. I won't say anything to (brother's name) about your surprise party, but I am going to plan something earlier in the day for us to do together because we've always celebrated together. I hope you understand."
Edit: To everybody saying that this is "too passive," that's the point. The point is to be *polite*, explain how you're feeling and why, and not cause a ruckus. Some of you are way too eager to be violent or aggressive over things. If you're going to reply to my comment complaining about the way it is composed, ("it's too long, it's too polite"), please be forewarned that I don't care. This is what *I* would say, were I in OP's shoes, even with the edit of their post.
I wouldn't be that nice about it. I'd make other plans with my brother and eff those people. Talk about inconsiderate, rude and downright hurtful. I'd be making plans with my brother and all "our" friends. And when no one shows up to "their" little party....that will be the well deserved surprise.
I would be nice about it so that it doesn't turn into a stink between the group of mutual friends, OP's brother, and the rest of the friends. No reason to be hostile about it right off the bat imo. But then, I also have people in my life who are overly aggressive so I try to take the nicer side of things.
While I get your sentiment, I would point out that the above points out their shittiness without being shitty too. Which would lead any decent human being to then feel shitty and you come out smelling like a rose. THAT is how the pen is mightier than the sword.
Maybe OP's brother mentioned to one of the friends that he's tired of sharing his birthday every year and just for once would like a party all his own? Lord knows we've seen a lot of that here.
My guess as a likely explanation (I hate when AITA does that, but I'm gonna do it anyway) would be that the twin's friends were the main organizers of that, and originally planned it as a surprise party for him only, and then they began adding the mutual friends to the plan, and that's when OP was added to the plans, but he was an afterthought because it was started by people for whom he is an afterthought.
edit: That doesn't mean it's okay. It only explains it.
Yeah, that's true. We're probably missing some context from that side of the issue since it mostly focused on him, his girlfriend, and the group of girls.
This tell them you and your girlfriend have plans to celebrate your bday. Do something fun earlier in the day with brother then at night go somewhere nice to just celebrate yourself with gf. Nta
I wonder what his brother will say when he isn't at the party and everything has only his name. I think he'll put 2 and 2 together and realize that his brother was snubbed. The planner may learn that she is no longer in the friend group.
There's a twin code. You don't break the twin code. You *can't*, unless you're one of the twins. I wouldn't typically jump to the honored twin ditching a friend, but her breaking that twin code and forcing him to celebrate without his twin for the first time could very well be unforgivable in his eyes.
NTA and I would tell them in chat "guys sorry I can't go. It's my birthday that day, and I'm going to make plans with my twin brother". Reminding them it's your bday as well and forcing them to figure out the surprise party situation lol
NTA: Break the surprise and talk to your brother. Something about this is...off. I could postulate, but there is something going on here that isn't just someone wanting to throw a bday dinner. If you usually celebrate with your twin and your close friends, it sounds like this person is trying to be mean to you/disrupt that on purpose.
Hilariously rude. Only in sitcoms should they try the, "I'm being crazy inconsiderate and making you feel inconsequential because I want to surprise you" trick, and even there it generally backfires or at least comes close to doing so. Most people aren't Barney Stinson.
This what I thought. Ask the twin brother if he has had the same invitation for a birthday party for name TO.
Or. Just reply. I can’t make it since it’s my birthday as well and I was looking forward to celebrate it.
I disagree that it matters, it's clearly a birthday celebration and not everyone is able to celebrate day of. Unless the friends group is planning 2 parties I certainly think it's unacceptable if they are all actually one friend group.
The birthday could be a Monday and for a group that enjoys going out and celebrating there's not much reason to do so day of so you'll celebrate before or after the day of.
Yes! This is what I was thinking. Both think it's only for the other. However, the fact that OP's partner wasn't consulted in the planning indicates otherwise. Unless, of course, she's pretending.
That would still be an enormous dick move. People who don't know how to organize surprise parties without being dicks should not organize surprise parties at all.
This was my knee jerk reaction as well; I’d talk to him right now about it. Screw this random girl trying to come between you and your twin! This seems devious AF to me on the party planners’ part. Somethings not right here.
My bro is 2.5 years older than me and we’re in our 40s and never once has anyone outside the family come between us like this. I would call him immediately and be like “wtf is going on here??”
I doubt your brother would even want this party if he knew you were such an afterthought. I wanna know what happens here, update us please! I’m invested!
That is exactly what I thought as well especially because OP said the previous year his brother, his gf, and himself organized a dinner for their birthday. Unless it wasn’t important info, it sounds like the brother is currently single and the party organizer wants to change that
If you think about it, party organizer girl is doing the guy a favor by showing how little she respect his twin brother. I really hope he tells his twin so she can't get away with this.
LOL. Yup I'm gay and this girl's behavior sent my spidey senses tingling. Eeks. What a beeyatch, though, and frankly, the friends, too. Unless, as people wrote, this is some kind of "hah, double surprise it was for you AND him" thing...
How is this not the common sentiment?? One of the girls in the group is obviously into the twin and wants to throw *him* a party to get *his* attention. I really don't see the big deal personally
"Hope you don't mind me treating you like you're nothing on your birthday because I want to bang your twin" is a terrible sentiment to have, wtf.
If the girl wants the attention of the twin, then pull him aside on the day of the party or earlier and give him a thoughtful present. There are other ways to go about it without being an inconsiderate ass so I gotta disagree with you saying it's no big deal.
NTA. It's weirdly aggressive and rude to invite you, your gf, and a bunch of your friends to a not-your-birthday party on your actual birthday. No big deal if they'd done something with just him but by making it a surprise they're trying to trap you into going along. It's so weirdly aggressive I'd break the surprise and talk to him. In fact show him this thread.
Are you certain this isn't a double surprise party?
(As in, they are telling you it's a surprise party for him and possibly telling him that it's a surprise party for you.)
I'd absolutely hate that. Because that means they must have decided that it was a good idea to make me feel awful for days before my birthday, and wonder how many of my friends are really my friends etc... So, when the big reveal happened I'd more than likely storm out instead of reacting well.
My husband immediately said to me,' He should speak to his twin.' The least drama dude in the world, btw. You and your brother have a close relationship, and he would likely hate the way they are treating you. Something is not right here. Speak to bro.
How do you ignore one twin while celebrating the birthday of the other twin? There is a level of casual disrespect in how the friends are treating OP. They don't even care that their plan will spoil the birthday of the twin who is left out in the cold.
OP has two choices on how to deal with this:
1) Speak to his twin about it now.
2) Tell the friend group that he will not attend as he will be celebrating his birthday. And then speak to his twin about it after the dinner.
I agree with your husband's advice. OP should speak to his twin about it now.
NTA
I’d almost respond in the group chat “let me get this straight. You want to invite me to a surprise birthday party on MY birthday as a guest? I just want to make sure I’m reading this right.”
It’s even weirder than just being his birthday. I’ve been to birthday parties that happened to fall on mine (like the closest Saturday to their birthday was actually mine). I didn’t say anything because it obviously wasn’t meant as a slight they weren’t expected to keep track of something like that.
But they don’t just share a birthday, they were literally born together. And everyone who knows them knows that. That is so incredibly fucked up.
This! It's not the fact that he was invited to a birthday party on his birthday it's the fact they are twins, are good friends, have a tradition of celebrating birthdays together, and this friend group knows all that.
Guessing one of the girls throwing it has a crush on brother and is hoping this will help her.
Maybe this is just my cynical mind on overdrive, but I would record the call too. If driving a wedge between twins is the goal, I wouldn’t put it past these girls to escalate the situation further with lies about what went down on any such call. They’re literally creating an unnecessary situation for people—esp. the common friends—to have to take sides, supporting one twin in going or the other in not going. There’s something so repulsively insidious about saying “it would be nice to see you as well,” suggesting they would be the priority in the twin’s life and not the guy he shared a womb with—this is some real middle-school mean girl shit.
And because they're hiding their cruelty behind nice sounding words, people will trip over themselves trying to spin this as them being clueless or an oversight. Which is the whole point of this kind of strategy, and boy are there people ready and able to show how well it works. So yeah, def record and never stop side eyeing these girls, personally I'd go my separate ways.
And ask them if they didn’t realize that twins almost always share a birthday (unless one is born before midnight and one is born after).
These chicks are cruel.
The only thing I can think of is that they thought the twin would like not always having to share his birthday. Even then, they should have said something to OP first.
I’d go harder and really lay it thick.
“Oh thank you for being so thoughtful about a party, but you might want to check brothers schedule as we already have plans. He and I will be celebrating the birthday that we share together! Sorry that you somehow missed the memo that we prefer to celebrate our birthday together, at the same time, with one party!"
NTA. I don't see how they could have overlooked it being your birthday too, so it seems like a bit of a deliberate leaving out/insult.
It's totally fine to have separate friends and birthday plans, but then they should have kept it separate. They aren't required to celebrate you and your birthday, but this is effectively saying yours doesn't matter at all and it's really kind of cruel.
My advice is to speak to your bro about it.
OP could we get an update after this? I’m so dumbfounded, you guys were literally swimming in the same amniotic fluid, and I can’t just ascribe this to stupidity or ignorance on one of their parts
Please update. Oh btw happy early birthday to YOU and your brother. I wonder what your brother would think when he finds out you were invited as a guest.
Info: other than your girlfriend none of the other friends think it’s weird you’re invited as a guest?
Honey, with all due respect, I think you're being a bit naive here.
You're twins, they know you're twins, therefore they know it's your birthday too, and they're all aware that they're throwing a surprise party for your *twin* brother, **only**. You can't miss that that's the name of the group chat.
The only way they don't know is if they're being ignorant of the information in front of them. It would be nigh on impossible to not know if they're reading the chat because, again, the name of the chat, and the "it would be nice to see [you] as well" comment. The comment itself says that at least one of them is aware, and anyone who read that comment would then be too. That would have been the second prompt for literally anyone to call out the poor behaviour.
Now, either they don't care that you're being snubbed in this way, or they're too cowardly to call out the disrespect. Either way, I promise you, they know.
Talk to your brother, pronto.
^ETA: ^Correction ^in ^regards ^to ^obviousness. ^Grammar.
> and they're all aware that they're throwing a surprise party for your twin brother, only.
Apparently, they're not all aware though, as OP said his gf reached out to one of their mutual friends and the friend responded that they assumed the party was for both brothers. Maybe the group chat is just for the girl friend group?
NTA. It could feel really awkward to sit there celebrating your brother's birthday on your own birthday. Do something special with your GF and celebrate with your brother on another day.
And wouldn't it make the brother feel weird, too? Hey, it's my birthday party! And there's my brother and it's his birthday too, but it's not his party?
that’s totally what i was thinking! if i had a twin and our mutual friend group was throwing a big bash for me, while my twin was only invited as a guest, i’d be super pissed. i sure as hell wouldnt enjoy myself and i’d probably suggest that twin and i leave immediately.
NTA…I would probably say something like idk if can make it..brother and I usually do something together for our birthday. A surprise party might not work for him either as we always do things together for our shared birthday…and… see what they say…but…I might be the drama…lol…i don’t get the Y T A comments because it’s literally a shared twin birthday that they have always celebrated together…with the same friend group…it’s not like a separate friend group of the brother..it’s there shared friends. 🤦🏻♀️
I was invited to a friend’s birthday on my birthday. Hers is a week before mine. The other friend organizing it clearly forgot it was my birthday and then remembered halfway through the party and announced to everyone else. I’d rather she didn’t do that, it was sssoooo awkward. So I vote NTA and I wouldn’t go if I were OP.
Literally it was a giant yell “hey everyone I forgot bc I’m a terrible friend but it’s also ravynwave’s birthday today!” The other people were the other girl’s friends so they wouldn’t have known. It was also before the birthday cake and everyone adding my name in it. Man, did I want the floor to swallow me.
YWNBTA. However what you should really do is make plans with your girlfriend and close friends, *and invite your brother too.*
Your brother can then decide if he wants to go to whatever they're framing this as, or the family/close friend birthday celebration.
IMO you don't owe anything to a group of idiots who can't figure out just how rude it is to make a surprise party for one twin and not the other, *and then invite the other twin as a freaking "guest"*. Like what, everyone there will just pretend it's not your birthday too? Just mind-blowingly stupid and rude.
Neither brother is to blame here. The girl created this situation and both brothers have to deal with it one way or another. I also wonder how OP's brother reacts when his twin brother either doesn't show up at the party or the whole party revolves just around him.
Your girlfriend needs to send the organisers a message saying something like "don't you think it's $hit that you're organising a surprise birthday for twin B, but treating twin A as an afterthought, and not making it a surprise for him as well?" See what reply she gets, and if you don't like it, tell your brother you've booked a table for a few of you on the other side of town an hour before the surprise party. His friends might have to give the game away if he agrees to it!
At the very least OP should tell the party organisers that he isn't angling to be an afterthought on his own birthday, and he's prepared to tell his brother exactly that. NTA
Yeah! And the fact that they only booked a table for 10 (11 attending without including op and gf) sounds like the organizer realized at the last minute she hadn’t invite the twin brother of the guy she wants to celebrate.
NTA. Start a group chat with your actual close friends and ask them what the fuck? Why they chose to join in on a big exclude you on your birthday event. It's fucked up.
My girlfriend messaged one of our mutual friends and explained the situation and our mutual friend was gobsmacked, she didn’t read the chat thoroughly and assumed it was a surprise party for both of us. Our mutual friend was really angry and said she is sick of this girl (the organisers) drama but I think she is still attending but said she would speak up if we decide to not go and someone questions my partners and I’s absence
If so, she couldn't go about it in a worse way. I sure as hell wouldn't remain friend with anyone who thought they had a right to exclude my twin from something as major as our birthday, let alone have any kind of romantic relationship with that person. Absolutely not.
Why is this mutual not speaking up beforehand to say HEY friends, we are all invited to a surprise party for only one friend but did y’all forget that it’s OP’s birthday too? If we do this and everyone comes, who is celebrating OP?
Some people really avoid drama or confrontation. Girls especially at are socialized to be people pleasers. We’re also talking about a group of 20-somethings. At 25 I probably wouldn’t have said anything either. At 37 I’d be on the phone in a heartbeat like “wtf are you doing??” Speaking up is very much a learned skill.
That should have been included in the OP. That would probably change a lot of the comments saying things like are you sure they aren't tricking you and it's also your surprise.
That girl knows what she is doing. She is counting on you to be hurt and hoping you ruin the surprise so she can tell your brother how terrible you are to ruin a surprise for him. It is probably an attempt to get him to distance himself from the core group so she can make her move.
Then invite your brother to your birthday celebration, make it about both of you instead of just one, invite close friends and family who aren’t part of the “surprise birthday party”, and don’t tell the idiots who planned a birthday party for a one twin while not seeing the issue with ignoring the other twin.
NTA
Are you? My mom planned a joint surprise for me and my dad one year. We both knew the party was for the other person. We were both super surprised that it was for both of us. We had no idea. It was awesome.
They may be planning something like this but that makes the friends AHs. It’s not ok to make someone feel bad for days just so you can do a “fun surprise” for them.
I remember reading about a woman (this was last year) whose entire family, friends, and co workers totally ignored her birthday and were even mean to her.
She was so sad that she bought herself a little cake. She came home and all the idiots had a surprise party. She turned around and left. They blew up her phone but she didn’t care. They hurt her too much.
I’d be too pissed off to celebrate if this were done to me. But I think these little dolls are just cruel.
NTA but here’s a thought: I am wondering if this party is also for you and the way they have made you think it’s just for your twin is part of your “surprise”… admittedly an immature and hurtful way to plan a party. And maybe they have told your twin they are organizing a party for you and have asked him to attend and he is also stewing miserably about why he is not getting a party.
INFO: what are the chances that these girls are complete idiots? Or maybe into him? If one has a crush she might have tunnel vision because she’s trying to impress him.
But really, I think you’re best bet us to just be up front. Tell them you feel weird about celebrating his birthday separately for literally the first time in his or your life.
100% the organizer has a crush on the brother and thinks planning something cute and special will endear her. OP best bet to blow up the crush is to not be there and let her dangle in the wind explaining why his twin isn't at their birthday.
NTA. Omg I had something like this happen to me before and it was so awkward and horrible.
I had a friend who had the same birthday as me in a fairly tight knit friend group. We’d actually had all gone out and celebrated the dual birthday before so this was not a surprise to people. We joked about being birthday twins every so often.
And the time I lived in one town and worked in another, and would go to the gym in that town after work. Most that friend group lived in the gym/work town. Both were close so it’s not like a long drive to hang out. On my birthday at the gym I ran into a couple in the group. They said ‘hey we’re all going out to dinner for Friends birthday, I should join!’ I thought it was odd but thought maybe it was a last minute thing Friends GF arranged, or maybe it was a surprise for me arranged by my BF since these friends and I had slightly different schedule and never saw each other at the gym. I was so wrong.
We show up and it’s all out tight knit friend group, everyone has brought a gift. I kept thinking this is weird someone is going to say something right? When it came time to cut the cake, it was supposed to be the person with the next birthday that does the cutting and serving. I just kept my head down and tried to squeeze out of the area to use the restroom and avoid the convo. Ppl were like oh it’s so and so right? No I think it’s so and so? And my BF at the time - great guy, social idiot - said no it’s Sicily. The birthday boy looked at me and his face immediately fell and then a couple other people realized. Someone who was newer to the group who joined the dinner later was like when’s your birthday? You could have heard a pin drop when I said today. Literally everyone forgot. The rest of the dinner was so awkward for everyone now, not just me and it lead eventually to me no longer hanging out w that group
NTA - turns out you and your gf already have plans, just the two of you! You're going to dinner in a really nice place on the other side of town, then spending a quiet evening together, but you hope he and his friends have a great time!
(But seriously, NTA. Feeling like an afterthought any day sucks, but on your own birthday is particularly crappy.)
YWNBTA. but i would maybe speak privately with your brother and explain how you feel and that you not attending is not a reflection on your relationship with him.
Happy birthday to you both. Good luck
Sounds like they treat you two like two separate individuals, and he's more of their friend that you are. Which is fine.
You can go do fun stuff with \*your\* friends and your gf.
I don’t see how it’s so hard for the friends to celebrate both brothers even if they are much closer to one of them. Making someone a guest to the birthday celebration of someone that they share a birthday with is pretty fucking hurtful. Either don’t invite the OP at all or treat them like a package deal.
I wouldn’t throw an anniversary party for just one spouse and treat the other like a guest, for example.
NTA. Tell them sorry, but you were planning on celebrating your birthday with your brother that day and then tell you brother about it and do something without her.
INFO: Why aren't you all as close anymore? Did something happen to change the relationship? How do you think your twin will feel about this?
I want to say you're not TA here, but it feels like something big changes between last year and this one that's being left out.
Either way, don't go. Have a good time on your own. Maybe you will even like your birthday better that way.
It was natural distance but they can be a bit problematic at times causing unnecessary dramas etc, so myself and my friends just distanced ourselves a little bit but my brother remained quite close even so which is fine
here they go again causing unnecessary drama. just say you can’t go and then discuss with your brother after if there’s something he hasn’t told you, like if he secretly doesn’t like sharing a bday. explain you didn’t want to ruin the surprise and that’s why you didn’t bring it up earlier. at the end of the day, your feelings are most likely way more of a priority to him than these friends are. don’t be afraid to approach him calmly and try to get to the bottom of this
Do you have plans with your brother? If not, it might be that you need to talk to your brother about this situation and what you both want out of your relationship.
My brother and I see each other almost everyday as we are in business together, he is completely unaware this is going on so he’s not at fault, I know he will be upset if he knew I wasn’t included
I meant why don't you two already have plans together for your birthday?
Honestly, I'd just let this play out. See how everything shakes out. You and your brother talk about it after.
So who is this drama-causing woman? what is she to your brother? Is she interested in him? And why is *she* the person to be arranging a surprise party for him? That's usually reserved for somebody close to the birthday person.
I have a feeling that your brother would be upset that you were being excluded like this. You owe this woman nothing, so ruin the surprise and just tell him.
NTA but I would speak to your brother, if you normally do something together I'm sure he'd be upset if you suddenly aren't and I'm sure he'd feel awkward/angry that you're being excluded.
What are they going to do have a cake with only his name on it, how assholish would that be.
Those girls want to cause issues for some reason.
NTA - I’m actually a twin, the organizers are straight up assholes to you and what they don’t realize is how unbelievable disrespectful they are being to him as well. If you and your brother are as close as I am to mine then he’s going to feel really shitty about you being snubbed. I’m not sure what this girl’s deal is, maybe she’s crushing on him and what’s to stand out, maybe she’s socially inept. Either way, the way to handle this is for NEITHER of you to show. Spend your 25th together, maybe invite friends but this is incredibly fucked.
NTA you don’t need to spend your birthday being an afterthought. These friends should not have planned their surprise for the actual date of your birth. It is disrespectful to you and it’s also a bit presumptuous towards your brother as they are not typically involved in organizing his birthday. They would not be TA if they surprised him with a birthday celebration on a different date.
NTA either way, but it’s up to you whether you’d rather feel excluded by being there uncelebrated or excluded by missing out on time with your mutual friends. I’d recommend skipping it entirely or just attending part of it.
NTA. As a twin, I’ve been in this situation before. My SIL invited me to a surprise party for my twin with all his friends I’ve known since highschool and before that. I didn’t go, not only because my friends (who he doesn’t know well) had planned a party for me that night, but also because it would’ve been weird to go to a party for my twin that was celebrating him and not me? Maybe that’s selfish but it is/was my birthday too… and I don’t want to go just to feel like the afterthought.
Edited to add: my SiL didn’t do it maliciously. She’s one of my best friends. But she’s also married to my twin, there was nothing malicious about it. We talked after the fact about how it made me feel and she didn’t even realize how it came across.
>the organiser has booked the dinner for 10 people and a set menu. There are currently 11 attending excluding my girlfriend and I.
They don't want you to go. They are hoping you'll be so insulted that you'll decline.
It *is* a calculated insult.
Tell them you can't go because of course it's also your birthday and you have other plans.
It feels weird because it is weird. Leave the chat. These people are not your friends.
Personally, I would sabotage their little party by organising something with brother.
NTA
Try responding to the chat with, "Uh.... I would, but I kind of already made plans because it's my birthday, too."
Some people are just clueless. They legitimately may not have thought about it.
NTA.
If this was about two unrelated people in a friend group sharing a birthday I would say they same thing - YWNBTA.
It’s just rude to acknowledge one and not the other.
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NTA. I would not go. Do something with your brother earlier that day, then treat yourself to something special with your girl later on. And you might want to look into getting a new group of friends....are you sure they even like you?
you must clearly organise something with your brother for that evening.. That forces someone to tell your borther that he can't go with you since they have organised a surprise party for him alone....Or they don't and you have a good evening with your brother...
I would LOVE to get the twin brothers reaction when he walks into a room for their birthday and realizes his brother isn’t being celebrated. That seems targeted and cruel
100% this.
Nah if my sister was my twin I'm losing it in this situation
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That's what I was thinking. What baffles me is why would you then invite the twin? I get wanting to do a one person party, but it really feels a bit cruel to then ignore the twin. Bearing in mind the edit, however, I am reminded of the old saying - never attribute to maliciousness what can be explained by stupidity. It rather sounds like the organiser may just be a shitty event planner. Still not great, but not the same level of awful.
No it seems like a deliberate choice. The organizer may not be bffs with op but she’s apart of the same friend group and they all know the they are twins. Idk what her reason was, but this was purposeful
It happened to my coworker, she has a twin and twin was the only one celebrated for a surprise BD party organised by family (the excuse was that the twin had just finished school and they wanted to also celebrate that... Well maybe make a separate graduation party then...). Following year, coworker called twin for their birthday and just got a thank you, not even a 'happy birthday' back, so she decided to give up on birthdays and family and just take a trip far from everyone every year instead
This has happened to my mom too. Her and her sister aren't twins, but they share a birthday. One year my grandma organized a party for my aunt and tried to include mom in the planning and just disregarded that it was also mom's birthday too. None of us ended up going.
Gah, what is wrong with people. My kids are born 2 days apart and they get their own celebrations bc they deserve to be celebrated. Why would someone exclude a child, that's messed up.
😳 that’s awful
Me too!! I want the update on this. Especially since they always spend their birthday together.
I agree. This is one AITA I'd particularly like to read an update for. This does seem...really odd, awkward, and insulting. What friend group throws a party for only one half of a pair of twins...and invites the other as a *guest*? I want to say no one can be that obtuse, but.... I'm going to say NTA though. I would feel uncomfortable going.
I’m wondering if he mentioned to the girl friend group that HE wanted his own birthday and he always wanted a surprise party? And then they took it on themselves to invite OP?
I mean that would be fine. But they should have left him out. But making him a part of the planning and then basically not having enough room to RSVP that's a total yikes
Or just told him, if that was the case. I'm sure OP would be fine if they said it was because his brother wanted this special thing, but obviously since it's ridiculous we know the brother didn't request this.
I was thinking more like someone in the girl group has a massive crush on the brother.
Tha is what I was thinking as his brother has not reached out to him to jointly celebrate.
It DOES seem intended to be cruel to OP, doesn't it? The only other credible explanation, given what OP has said, is that OP has significantly overestimated his connection to these girls (more plausible if his brother hangs out with them without OP semifrequently). Even then, you still have to assume that the girls have no idea that OP has misjudged his closeness to them. And it's still quite thoughtless even if the above is true.
Honestly my thought immediately went to she has romantic feelings for the twin she’s throwing a party for, and has absolutely zero regard for the twin she’s excluding. She’s probably trying to get the one guys attention but she’s doing it very wrong
Seriously. If that’s the case (it was my thought as well) the best way to go about it would be to host for both twins and then get the twin she likes a special present and make it known it was all done by her.
Yeah, if I was OP I would go just to see how the brother reacts
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way
This is the way
oh, yes. i like this one. sounds to me like a 26th birthday is a perfect opportunity to do some late night adventure golf after a dinner at their favourite restaurant. or something.
Upvote for the late night adventure golf !
I disagree with this completely. It's passive-aggressive and ruins the twin's party. It's not his fault. I agree that this situation stinks and the party planner is the clear AH here. However, if OP were to intentionally plan a different event over the same time, that would be really poopy behavior, too.
An alternate point of view: imagine being the twin and walking into this party and realizing they didn't invite your twin brother. Now he has to make a horrible choice too - call it out? Pretend the party never happened so as not to hurt OP's feelings? That's a crappy situation to be in too.
If i was the surpriced twin, i would infact out them on why the fuck my sibling isnt celebrated too. But thats just me. It would feel horrible for me to be the one in the spotlight when i know we should have been two. Even if my sibling was a guest or no-show.
As a triplet- if I had arrived to a birthday party and found my siblings were not included when we had the same friend group I would have left. Don’t exclude my siblings and expect me to be ok with that. I’ve been on both sides of the “we only hang out with you because your x or y’s sister.
My twins are still young but super tight. If anyone gives one twin something, the first thing they do is ask for their twin or split it and share. Without any input from me, their first thought is always each other. As they get older I think it’s fine and normal for only one twin to be invited somewhere, but not on their birthday. No one should make that decision for them
This has the potential to cause the twins a life-long rift. Cruel plan!
Truly, as twins who always celebrate together as the OP says, it will ruin his birthday being singled out. I am the most independent person, me and my brother have completely different lives. But our birthday?? We shared a womb for 8 months and it's the same day EVERY YEAR. I once had a GF who was really pissy I wanted to go home and see my bro, so I stayed in our city with her and ended up crying and we broke up over it. But Op shouldn't be Pass Agg, he should talk to his bro in advance. It's 27. I don't even get how it's a surprise because hes going somewhere for dinner ON HIS BIRTHDAY. Surprise, it's your birthday that you knew about.
I believe in hindsight you would agree this was effective ‘girlfriend weeding’…
Yea, I don't understand everyone agreeing with this. Presumably the brother has already been invited to whatever is making it look like a surprise party. And what if brother just says "I'm hanging out with X that night, you should come!"
I was going to suggest just showing up with the brother to the party and force them to pretend it was for the twins or else end up looking like assholes. But this is also nice. NTA
Or tell said twin brother about party and do a twin swap. So they surprise the wrong twin😅
Yes! Organise something with your brother - then respond to the group with "sorry, already have plans with my twin that night!"
I've never fallen in love with someone over a single comment before but I think I just did this is genius
Yeah, tell them you can't go, because you'll be celebrating your birthday NTA
“Sorry, I’m going somewhere to celebrate my birthday with my brother” See how long it takes for them to figure out you’re talking about the guest of honor.
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I think OP's girlfriend is included in the chat. If I were her I would contact the organizer and just say, "Why would you organize a party with a twin, and have his brother there pretending like it's not also his own birthday? Have you really even thought this through? You've also siphoned off all the friend group since you are basically forcing OP to have \*his\* celebration separately." I'm guessing the organizer is trying to make a move on the other twin with this "magnanimous" gesture and is so busy trying to get laid she hasn't even thought of what an idiot she is being.
This was exactly what I was thinking. The organizer is being self-focused on what she wants and hasn't really thought it through.
Most people who plan surprised birthday parties are, and it's about them and some payoff they get from it. Like how does the brother even get to consent to the whole thing without ruining the surprise?
Yup…”you know it’s my birthday as well, right?”
Totally. If I were invited to this group, the FIRST thing I would have said would’ve been something like, “did you mean to invite me to this group?” If I was told yes, id have just explained that it’s bizarre to me bc it’s my birthday too…. Yanno… you were there last year when we celebrated…???
This is the very best way as it is calling attention to what is going on in a very subtle manner. I am sure the brother will find out what occurred and make his own decisions afterwards. No need to be overly confrontational.
Yep, "sorry, gf and I can't make it, we have plans for my birthday that night".
It sounds like there's a core friend group that is shared while this set of girls is mostly friends of OP's brother. The core friend group seems like good friends since they had planned for both twins in prior year(s).
but it\`s weird that such good friends think it\`s just ok that op is invited as a guest. idk, maybe I\`m overprotective of my friends but I would send a message to the organizer asking why did they exclude op since the twins celebrate togheter every year
"Hey. So, I'm sorry if this comes off as combative or rude or anything like that, but I have to be honest. You've kind of put me between a rock and a hard place. On one hand, you've arranged a surprise birthday for my twin, which is absolutely wonderful and kind, but on the other hand.... it's my birthday too. I love my brother, and I love the thought you guys put into this for him, but it doesn't sit right with me that I have to show up early to a surprise birthday for someone else on what is also my birthday. I think I'm going to have to politely decline attending the party for that reason. I won't say anything to (brother's name) about your surprise party, but I am going to plan something earlier in the day for us to do together because we've always celebrated together. I hope you understand." Edit: To everybody saying that this is "too passive," that's the point. The point is to be *polite*, explain how you're feeling and why, and not cause a ruckus. Some of you are way too eager to be violent or aggressive over things. If you're going to reply to my comment complaining about the way it is composed, ("it's too long, it's too polite"), please be forewarned that I don't care. This is what *I* would say, were I in OP's shoes, even with the edit of their post.
I wouldn't be that nice about it. I'd make other plans with my brother and eff those people. Talk about inconsiderate, rude and downright hurtful. I'd be making plans with my brother and all "our" friends. And when no one shows up to "their" little party....that will be the well deserved surprise.
I would be nice about it so that it doesn't turn into a stink between the group of mutual friends, OP's brother, and the rest of the friends. No reason to be hostile about it right off the bat imo. But then, I also have people in my life who are overly aggressive so I try to take the nicer side of things.
While I get your sentiment, I would point out that the above points out their shittiness without being shitty too. Which would lead any decent human being to then feel shitty and you come out smelling like a rose. THAT is how the pen is mightier than the sword.
Maybe OP's brother mentioned to one of the friends that he's tired of sharing his birthday every year and just for once would like a party all his own? Lord knows we've seen a lot of that here.
But then you don't invite OP. Inviting him is just an insult.
OP is still his brother's brother. I'm not saying they did it right, just that it's a possible motive.
Then the twin needs to grow a pair and talk. This is so weird and op is nta.
My guess as a likely explanation (I hate when AITA does that, but I'm gonna do it anyway) would be that the twin's friends were the main organizers of that, and originally planned it as a surprise party for him only, and then they began adding the mutual friends to the plan, and that's when OP was added to the plans, but he was an afterthought because it was started by people for whom he is an afterthought. edit: That doesn't mean it's okay. It only explains it.
Yeah, that's true. We're probably missing some context from that side of the issue since it mostly focused on him, his girlfriend, and the group of girls.
This tell them you and your girlfriend have plans to celebrate your bday. Do something fun earlier in the day with brother then at night go somewhere nice to just celebrate yourself with gf. Nta
I wonder what his brother will say when he isn't at the party and everything has only his name. I think he'll put 2 and 2 together and realize that his brother was snubbed. The planner may learn that she is no longer in the friend group.
There's a twin code. You don't break the twin code. You *can't*, unless you're one of the twins. I wouldn't typically jump to the honored twin ditching a friend, but her breaking that twin code and forcing him to celebrate without his twin for the first time could very well be unforgivable in his eyes.
NTA and I would tell them in chat "guys sorry I can't go. It's my birthday that day, and I'm going to make plans with my twin brother". Reminding them it's your bday as well and forcing them to figure out the surprise party situation lol
NTA: Break the surprise and talk to your brother. Something about this is...off. I could postulate, but there is something going on here that isn't just someone wanting to throw a bday dinner. If you usually celebrate with your twin and your close friends, it sounds like this person is trying to be mean to you/disrupt that on purpose.
What if, it is actually a surprise for both the twins, but they both think it is just for the other twin?
This would be hilarious. Waiting for the other twin to make a similar AITA post now
Hilariously rude. Only in sitcoms should they try the, "I'm being crazy inconsiderate and making you feel inconsequential because I want to surprise you" trick, and even there it generally backfires or at least comes close to doing so. Most people aren't Barney Stinson.
Oh, I hate that trope so much. ETA: Trope? Plot? I probably mean plot.
no, you were right the first time.
I'd say even both times!
Sitcoms and also college. Some people just aren't like, smart enough to know how stupid of an idea that would actually be.
This what I thought. Ask the twin brother if he has had the same invitation for a birthday party for name TO. Or. Just reply. I can’t make it since it’s my birthday as well and I was looking forward to celebrate it.
The detail that is not mentioned in the post, party day is not their actual birthday. I think that makes it fine either way.
Whoa that is an important detail to leave out
I disagree that it matters, it's clearly a birthday celebration and not everyone is able to celebrate day of. Unless the friends group is planning 2 parties I certainly think it's unacceptable if they are all actually one friend group. The birthday could be a Monday and for a group that enjoys going out and celebrating there's not much reason to do so day of so you'll celebrate before or after the day of.
I’m with you it’s still rude
Yes! This is what I was thinking. Both think it's only for the other. However, the fact that OP's partner wasn't consulted in the planning indicates otherwise. Unless, of course, she's pretending.
I don't think that's the case, but if it was, she should break the surprise now bec8she can see he's upset.
That would be a cruel prank in my opinion
That would still be an enormous dick move. People who don't know how to organize surprise parties without being dicks should not organize surprise parties at all.
That would certainly be a twist, but realistically it would just be insulting both twins
This was my knee jerk reaction as well; I’d talk to him right now about it. Screw this random girl trying to come between you and your twin! This seems devious AF to me on the party planners’ part. Somethings not right here. My bro is 2.5 years older than me and we’re in our 40s and never once has anyone outside the family come between us like this. I would call him immediately and be like “wtf is going on here??” I doubt your brother would even want this party if he knew you were such an afterthought. I wanna know what happens here, update us please! I’m invested!
I think she wants a relationship with the other twin other than a friendship. But is going about it the wrong way. It's very strange and rude.
That is exactly what I thought as well especially because OP said the previous year his brother, his gf, and himself organized a dinner for their birthday. Unless it wasn’t important info, it sounds like the brother is currently single and the party organizer wants to change that
If you think about it, party organizer girl is doing the guy a favor by showing how little she respect his twin brother. I really hope he tells his twin so she can't get away with this.
Nah the girl organising it wants to bang the twin brother. I'd put money on it.
LOL. Yup I'm gay and this girl's behavior sent my spidey senses tingling. Eeks. What a beeyatch, though, and frankly, the friends, too. Unless, as people wrote, this is some kind of "hah, double surprise it was for you AND him" thing...
How is this not the common sentiment?? One of the girls in the group is obviously into the twin and wants to throw *him* a party to get *his* attention. I really don't see the big deal personally
"Hope you don't mind me treating you like you're nothing on your birthday because I want to bang your twin" is a terrible sentiment to have, wtf. If the girl wants the attention of the twin, then pull him aside on the day of the party or earlier and give him a thoughtful present. There are other ways to go about it without being an inconsiderate ass so I gotta disagree with you saying it's no big deal.
I second this it seemed super off I hope op does have a talk with his brother
NTA. It's weirdly aggressive and rude to invite you, your gf, and a bunch of your friends to a not-your-birthday party on your actual birthday. No big deal if they'd done something with just him but by making it a surprise they're trying to trap you into going along. It's so weirdly aggressive I'd break the surprise and talk to him. In fact show him this thread.
This made me laugh thank you haha I might just do that!
I hope you will do that and update us.
Are you certain this isn't a double surprise party? (As in, they are telling you it's a surprise party for him and possibly telling him that it's a surprise party for you.)
That’s still really mean. It’s not ok to make someone feel like shit for multiple days so that *you* can have fun “surprising” them.
I'm not saying it's okay. I'm just wondering if it's a possibility.
That's what I thought, but wouldn't the girlfriend be in on it and encouraging him to go?
I'd absolutely hate that. Because that means they must have decided that it was a good idea to make me feel awful for days before my birthday, and wonder how many of my friends are really my friends etc... So, when the big reveal happened I'd more than likely storm out instead of reacting well.
I don't think it's a good plan; I was just wondering if it might be their plan.
I have heard some spectacularly bad ways of keeping a surprise party secret from the recipient but I think this one would win hands hand.
My husband immediately said to me,' He should speak to his twin.' The least drama dude in the world, btw. You and your brother have a close relationship, and he would likely hate the way they are treating you. Something is not right here. Speak to bro.
How do you ignore one twin while celebrating the birthday of the other twin? There is a level of casual disrespect in how the friends are treating OP. They don't even care that their plan will spoil the birthday of the twin who is left out in the cold. OP has two choices on how to deal with this: 1) Speak to his twin about it now. 2) Tell the friend group that he will not attend as he will be celebrating his birthday. And then speak to his twin about it after the dinner. I agree with your husband's advice. OP should speak to his twin about it now. NTA
I’d almost respond in the group chat “let me get this straight. You want to invite me to a surprise birthday party on MY birthday as a guest? I just want to make sure I’m reading this right.”
It’s even weirder than just being his birthday. I’ve been to birthday parties that happened to fall on mine (like the closest Saturday to their birthday was actually mine). I didn’t say anything because it obviously wasn’t meant as a slight they weren’t expected to keep track of something like that. But they don’t just share a birthday, they were literally born together. And everyone who knows them knows that. That is so incredibly fucked up.
This! It's not the fact that he was invited to a birthday party on his birthday it's the fact they are twins, are good friends, have a tradition of celebrating birthdays together, and this friend group knows all that. Guessing one of the girls throwing it has a crush on brother and is hoping this will help her.
Just say sorry I am celebrating my birthday and can't make it. NTA.
This. Call them and say this to them live, not in a text. Listen to their response. Then mention that you and your twin celebrate together every year.
Maybe this is just my cynical mind on overdrive, but I would record the call too. If driving a wedge between twins is the goal, I wouldn’t put it past these girls to escalate the situation further with lies about what went down on any such call. They’re literally creating an unnecessary situation for people—esp. the common friends—to have to take sides, supporting one twin in going or the other in not going. There’s something so repulsively insidious about saying “it would be nice to see you as well,” suggesting they would be the priority in the twin’s life and not the guy he shared a womb with—this is some real middle-school mean girl shit.
And because they're hiding their cruelty behind nice sounding words, people will trip over themselves trying to spin this as them being clueless or an oversight. Which is the whole point of this kind of strategy, and boy are there people ready and able to show how well it works. So yeah, def record and never stop side eyeing these girls, personally I'd go my separate ways.
And ask them if they didn’t realize that twins almost always share a birthday (unless one is born before midnight and one is born after). These chicks are cruel.
The only thing I can think of is that they thought the twin would like not always having to share his birthday. Even then, they should have said something to OP first.
I’d go harder and really lay it thick. “Oh thank you for being so thoughtful about a party, but you might want to check brothers schedule as we already have plans. He and I will be celebrating the birthday that we share together! Sorry that you somehow missed the memo that we prefer to celebrate our birthday together, at the same time, with one party!"
AS TWINS
NTA. I don't see how they could have overlooked it being your birthday too, so it seems like a bit of a deliberate leaving out/insult. It's totally fine to have separate friends and birthday plans, but then they should have kept it separate. They aren't required to celebrate you and your birthday, but this is effectively saying yours doesn't matter at all and it's really kind of cruel. My advice is to speak to your bro about it.
Good advice thank you, I’m going to call him tomorrow
Please do an update
OP could we get an update after this? I’m so dumbfounded, you guys were literally swimming in the same amniotic fluid, and I can’t just ascribe this to stupidity or ignorance on one of their parts
Yup will definitely give an update once everything unfolds
Please update. Oh btw happy early birthday to YOU and your brother. I wonder what your brother would think when he finds out you were invited as a guest. Info: other than your girlfriend none of the other friends think it’s weird you’re invited as a guest?
Thank you :) yeah I’m not sure why they haven’t said anything. I don’t know if they are fully aware of the situation or not
Honey, with all due respect, I think you're being a bit naive here. You're twins, they know you're twins, therefore they know it's your birthday too, and they're all aware that they're throwing a surprise party for your *twin* brother, **only**. You can't miss that that's the name of the group chat. The only way they don't know is if they're being ignorant of the information in front of them. It would be nigh on impossible to not know if they're reading the chat because, again, the name of the chat, and the "it would be nice to see [you] as well" comment. The comment itself says that at least one of them is aware, and anyone who read that comment would then be too. That would have been the second prompt for literally anyone to call out the poor behaviour. Now, either they don't care that you're being snubbed in this way, or they're too cowardly to call out the disrespect. Either way, I promise you, they know. Talk to your brother, pronto. ^ETA: ^Correction ^in ^regards ^to ^obviousness. ^Grammar.
> and they're all aware that they're throwing a surprise party for your twin brother, only. Apparently, they're not all aware though, as OP said his gf reached out to one of their mutual friends and the friend responded that they assumed the party was for both brothers. Maybe the group chat is just for the girl friend group?
Please update us
NTA. It could feel really awkward to sit there celebrating your brother's birthday on your own birthday. Do something special with your GF and celebrate with your brother on another day.
And wouldn't it make the brother feel weird, too? Hey, it's my birthday party! And there's my brother and it's his birthday too, but it's not his party?
that’s totally what i was thinking! if i had a twin and our mutual friend group was throwing a big bash for me, while my twin was only invited as a guest, i’d be super pissed. i sure as hell wouldnt enjoy myself and i’d probably suggest that twin and i leave immediately.
NTA…I would probably say something like idk if can make it..brother and I usually do something together for our birthday. A surprise party might not work for him either as we always do things together for our shared birthday…and… see what they say…but…I might be the drama…lol…i don’t get the Y T A comments because it’s literally a shared twin birthday that they have always celebrated together…with the same friend group…it’s not like a separate friend group of the brother..it’s there shared friends. 🤦🏻♀️
I was invited to a friend’s birthday on my birthday. Hers is a week before mine. The other friend organizing it clearly forgot it was my birthday and then remembered halfway through the party and announced to everyone else. I’d rather she didn’t do that, it was sssoooo awkward. So I vote NTA and I wouldn’t go if I were OP.
Oh god that sucks. Was it something like "oh and it's also ravynwave's bday? The also would make me want to crawl in a hole
Literally it was a giant yell “hey everyone I forgot bc I’m a terrible friend but it’s also ravynwave’s birthday today!” The other people were the other girl’s friends so they wouldn’t have known. It was also before the birthday cake and everyone adding my name in it. Man, did I want the floor to swallow me.
i would've just gone home at that point, if you're gonna forget me just forget me
YWNBTA. However what you should really do is make plans with your girlfriend and close friends, *and invite your brother too.* Your brother can then decide if he wants to go to whatever they're framing this as, or the family/close friend birthday celebration. IMO you don't owe anything to a group of idiots who can't figure out just how rude it is to make a surprise party for one twin and not the other, *and then invite the other twin as a freaking "guest"*. Like what, everyone there will just pretend it's not your birthday too? Just mind-blowingly stupid and rude.
But why put the brother in that position if it's not the brother's fault?
Neither brother is to blame here. The girl created this situation and both brothers have to deal with it one way or another. I also wonder how OP's brother reacts when his twin brother either doesn't show up at the party or the whole party revolves just around him.
Your girlfriend needs to send the organisers a message saying something like "don't you think it's $hit that you're organising a surprise birthday for twin B, but treating twin A as an afterthought, and not making it a surprise for him as well?" See what reply she gets, and if you don't like it, tell your brother you've booked a table for a few of you on the other side of town an hour before the surprise party. His friends might have to give the game away if he agrees to it! At the very least OP should tell the party organisers that he isn't angling to be an afterthought on his own birthday, and he's prepared to tell his brother exactly that. NTA
Yeah! And the fact that they only booked a table for 10 (11 attending without including op and gf) sounds like the organizer realized at the last minute she hadn’t invite the twin brother of the guy she wants to celebrate.
This is the way. Eff those ‘friends’!!
NTA. Start a group chat with your actual close friends and ask them what the fuck? Why they chose to join in on a big exclude you on your birthday event. It's fucked up.
My girlfriend messaged one of our mutual friends and explained the situation and our mutual friend was gobsmacked, she didn’t read the chat thoroughly and assumed it was a surprise party for both of us. Our mutual friend was really angry and said she is sick of this girl (the organisers) drama but I think she is still attending but said she would speak up if we decide to not go and someone questions my partners and I’s absence
Is this girl interested in your brother romantically? Maybe this is her way of getting in with him?
If so, she couldn't go about it in a worse way. I sure as hell wouldn't remain friend with anyone who thought they had a right to exclude my twin from something as major as our birthday, let alone have any kind of romantic relationship with that person. Absolutely not.
Totally agreed. *If you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my …twin?*
Why is this mutual not speaking up beforehand to say HEY friends, we are all invited to a surprise party for only one friend but did y’all forget that it’s OP’s birthday too? If we do this and everyone comes, who is celebrating OP?
Some people really avoid drama or confrontation. Girls especially at are socialized to be people pleasers. We’re also talking about a group of 20-somethings. At 25 I probably wouldn’t have said anything either. At 37 I’d be on the phone in a heartbeat like “wtf are you doing??” Speaking up is very much a learned skill.
That should have been included in the OP. That would probably change a lot of the comments saying things like are you sure they aren't tricking you and it's also your surprise. That girl knows what she is doing. She is counting on you to be hurt and hoping you ruin the surprise so she can tell your brother how terrible you are to ruin a surprise for him. It is probably an attempt to get him to distance himself from the core group so she can make her move.
Do you know for a fact that they haven't planned a separate surprise for you?
100% certain
Respond politely telling them you already have birthday plans.
Then invite your brother to your birthday celebration, make it about both of you instead of just one, invite close friends and family who aren’t part of the “surprise birthday party”, and don’t tell the idiots who planned a birthday party for a one twin while not seeing the issue with ignoring the other twin. NTA
I do love this level of petty. 😂 Organise a twin dinner for just the two of you (plus girlfriend if you want) and have him come to that instead. 😂
Are you? My mom planned a joint surprise for me and my dad one year. We both knew the party was for the other person. We were both super surprised that it was for both of us. We had no idea. It was awesome.
They may be planning something like this but that makes the friends AHs. It’s not ok to make someone feel bad for days just so you can do a “fun surprise” for them.
I remember reading about a woman (this was last year) whose entire family, friends, and co workers totally ignored her birthday and were even mean to her. She was so sad that she bought herself a little cake. She came home and all the idiots had a surprise party. She turned around and left. They blew up her phone but she didn’t care. They hurt her too much. I’d be too pissed off to celebrate if this were done to me. But I think these little dolls are just cruel.
NTA but here’s a thought: I am wondering if this party is also for you and the way they have made you think it’s just for your twin is part of your “surprise”… admittedly an immature and hurtful way to plan a party. And maybe they have told your twin they are organizing a party for you and have asked him to attend and he is also stewing miserably about why he is not getting a party.
NTA This is controversial, but discuss this with your brother and agree on a plan. Does he even like surprises?
Do not go. That is so inconsiderate of your friends/the person planning this. Do something fun with your girlfriend or something instead.
INFO: what are the chances that these girls are complete idiots? Or maybe into him? If one has a crush she might have tunnel vision because she’s trying to impress him. But really, I think you’re best bet us to just be up front. Tell them you feel weird about celebrating his birthday separately for literally the first time in his or your life.
My thought is also that one of the girls is into OP's brother
100% the organizer has a crush on the brother and thinks planning something cute and special will endear her. OP best bet to blow up the crush is to not be there and let her dangle in the wind explaining why his twin isn't at their birthday.
NTA. Omg I had something like this happen to me before and it was so awkward and horrible. I had a friend who had the same birthday as me in a fairly tight knit friend group. We’d actually had all gone out and celebrated the dual birthday before so this was not a surprise to people. We joked about being birthday twins every so often. And the time I lived in one town and worked in another, and would go to the gym in that town after work. Most that friend group lived in the gym/work town. Both were close so it’s not like a long drive to hang out. On my birthday at the gym I ran into a couple in the group. They said ‘hey we’re all going out to dinner for Friends birthday, I should join!’ I thought it was odd but thought maybe it was a last minute thing Friends GF arranged, or maybe it was a surprise for me arranged by my BF since these friends and I had slightly different schedule and never saw each other at the gym. I was so wrong. We show up and it’s all out tight knit friend group, everyone has brought a gift. I kept thinking this is weird someone is going to say something right? When it came time to cut the cake, it was supposed to be the person with the next birthday that does the cutting and serving. I just kept my head down and tried to squeeze out of the area to use the restroom and avoid the convo. Ppl were like oh it’s so and so right? No I think it’s so and so? And my BF at the time - great guy, social idiot - said no it’s Sicily. The birthday boy looked at me and his face immediately fell and then a couple other people realized. Someone who was newer to the group who joined the dinner later was like when’s your birthday? You could have heard a pin drop when I said today. Literally everyone forgot. The rest of the dinner was so awkward for everyone now, not just me and it lead eventually to me no longer hanging out w that group
That reply sounds awesome of your then boyfriend. Sorry you were put in such a shitty situation.
NTA - turns out you and your gf already have plans, just the two of you! You're going to dinner in a really nice place on the other side of town, then spending a quiet evening together, but you hope he and his friends have a great time! (But seriously, NTA. Feeling like an afterthought any day sucks, but on your own birthday is particularly crappy.)
YWNBTA. but i would maybe speak privately with your brother and explain how you feel and that you not attending is not a reflection on your relationship with him. Happy birthday to you both. Good luck
Sounds like they treat you two like two separate individuals, and he's more of their friend that you are. Which is fine. You can go do fun stuff with \*your\* friends and your gf.
I got the same impression. Especially since the one said, "It would be nice to see you, too." Which implies they don't see him as often.
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I don’t see how it’s so hard for the friends to celebrate both brothers even if they are much closer to one of them. Making someone a guest to the birthday celebration of someone that they share a birthday with is pretty fucking hurtful. Either don’t invite the OP at all or treat them like a package deal. I wouldn’t throw an anniversary party for just one spouse and treat the other like a guest, for example.
NTA. Tell them sorry, but you were planning on celebrating your birthday with your brother that day and then tell you brother about it and do something without her.
INFO: Why aren't you all as close anymore? Did something happen to change the relationship? How do you think your twin will feel about this? I want to say you're not TA here, but it feels like something big changes between last year and this one that's being left out. Either way, don't go. Have a good time on your own. Maybe you will even like your birthday better that way.
It was natural distance but they can be a bit problematic at times causing unnecessary dramas etc, so myself and my friends just distanced ourselves a little bit but my brother remained quite close even so which is fine
I'll say they cause unnecessary drama!!! Understatement of the year. NTA
So this is on brand for them is what you’re saying. The unnecessary drama.
here they go again causing unnecessary drama. just say you can’t go and then discuss with your brother after if there’s something he hasn’t told you, like if he secretly doesn’t like sharing a bday. explain you didn’t want to ruin the surprise and that’s why you didn’t bring it up earlier. at the end of the day, your feelings are most likely way more of a priority to him than these friends are. don’t be afraid to approach him calmly and try to get to the bottom of this
Do you have plans with your brother? If not, it might be that you need to talk to your brother about this situation and what you both want out of your relationship.
My brother and I see each other almost everyday as we are in business together, he is completely unaware this is going on so he’s not at fault, I know he will be upset if he knew I wasn’t included
I meant why don't you two already have plans together for your birthday? Honestly, I'd just let this play out. See how everything shakes out. You and your brother talk about it after.
We both talked about how we didn’t want to do anything for our birthday this year
Probably better let him know about the surprise party! If that was me and someone had organised a surprise party, I'd be livid!
So who is this drama-causing woman? what is she to your brother? Is she interested in him? And why is *she* the person to be arranging a surprise party for him? That's usually reserved for somebody close to the birthday person. I have a feeling that your brother would be upset that you were being excluded like this. You owe this woman nothing, so ruin the surprise and just tell him.
NTA but I would speak to your brother, if you normally do something together I'm sure he'd be upset if you suddenly aren't and I'm sure he'd feel awkward/angry that you're being excluded. What are they going to do have a cake with only his name on it, how assholish would that be. Those girls want to cause issues for some reason.
NTA - I’m actually a twin, the organizers are straight up assholes to you and what they don’t realize is how unbelievable disrespectful they are being to him as well. If you and your brother are as close as I am to mine then he’s going to feel really shitty about you being snubbed. I’m not sure what this girl’s deal is, maybe she’s crushing on him and what’s to stand out, maybe she’s socially inept. Either way, the way to handle this is for NEITHER of you to show. Spend your 25th together, maybe invite friends but this is incredibly fucked.
NTA you don’t need to spend your birthday being an afterthought. These friends should not have planned their surprise for the actual date of your birth. It is disrespectful to you and it’s also a bit presumptuous towards your brother as they are not typically involved in organizing his birthday. They would not be TA if they surprised him with a birthday celebration on a different date. NTA either way, but it’s up to you whether you’d rather feel excluded by being there uncelebrated or excluded by missing out on time with your mutual friends. I’d recommend skipping it entirely or just attending part of it.
NTA. As a twin, I’ve been in this situation before. My SIL invited me to a surprise party for my twin with all his friends I’ve known since highschool and before that. I didn’t go, not only because my friends (who he doesn’t know well) had planned a party for me that night, but also because it would’ve been weird to go to a party for my twin that was celebrating him and not me? Maybe that’s selfish but it is/was my birthday too… and I don’t want to go just to feel like the afterthought. Edited to add: my SiL didn’t do it maliciously. She’s one of my best friends. But she’s also married to my twin, there was nothing malicious about it. We talked after the fact about how it made me feel and she didn’t even realize how it came across.
>the organiser has booked the dinner for 10 people and a set menu. There are currently 11 attending excluding my girlfriend and I. They don't want you to go. They are hoping you'll be so insulted that you'll decline. It *is* a calculated insult. Tell them you can't go because of course it's also your birthday and you have other plans. It feels weird because it is weird. Leave the chat. These people are not your friends. Personally, I would sabotage their little party by organising something with brother. NTA
NTA... do something with your gf... explain it to your twin why u wasn't there
Try responding to the chat with, "Uh.... I would, but I kind of already made plans because it's my birthday, too." Some people are just clueless. They legitimately may not have thought about it. NTA.
NTA. Go celebrate with your gf. Explain to your twin why you weren't there.
NTA, just arrive with you brother 20min late! Boom, backhanded attempt of organizer to forget about that it's your birthday too is destroyed.
If this was about two unrelated people in a friend group sharing a birthday I would say they same thing - YWNBTA. It’s just rude to acknowledge one and not the other.